#i'm thinking character study but. idk
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imagine being kevin day, son of exy, born and bred to be a cog in the well-oiled machine that is the edgar allan ravens. all you know being the routine of practice and practice and practice and performance and victory alongside those you call brothers.
-and then one day you wake up in your estranged father's apartment between a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of vodka and there is a knot of bandages where your future used to be. you don't wake up at 4am anymore. you sleep until noon and vomit the remainders of life as you knew it into unfamiliar toilets. you watch orange and white clash against each other from sidelines you haven't touched since you started growing facial hair.
your brother doesn't ask you to come home. you would come if he asked. the days are longer here and the food is too rich. the colors are too harsh, the language barrier is too much. you speak and no one understands.
they feel sorry for you, but not for what you have lost, instead for what you have suffered. you try to show them what belonging means, to sever parts of yourself to fit inside a uniform, but they don't understand the necessity of the blade the way your brothers did. they don't understand that suffering feels religious if you do it right.
the therapist tells you it's survivor's guilt but the only survivors you can see are on the court in black and red and they read your eulogy after the game at a press conference. you are not a survivor in any way that matters anymore. how treacherous your heart is for continuing to beat when you can't even hold your lifeline in your hand without dropping it.
you want to go home but your key doesn't open the same door anymore. you want to sit beside your brother but there is no space on his side of the table. you want to be a raven but you are a fox.
you grieve for connection until there is a knife where your neck guard used to sit. you grieve for your life until a boy offers to show you how it feels to survive. you offer to show him how it feels to live. he tells you he won't sever parts of himself to fit the uniform, but there are telltale bloodstains in the fabric from long before you asked.
you wake up at 4am again. you take turns vomiting in the toilet, you when the alcohol level dips too low and him when his smile runs out. he doesn't speak your language but he understands it. he keeps the car running when you visit the therapist. he keeps an eye on your back to watch the 02 on your jersey turn orange. the colors don't seem as harsh anymore.
he offers you safety. he offers you belonging. he offers you the only thing he knows how to give, the only thing you know how to take.
he offers you a lifeline. you pick it up with your right hand.
#aftg#the foxhole court#tfc#kevin day#there is no-one in this world i love more than him#suffering feels religious quote by chelsea hodson#idk if this is a character study?#or what#i just think so often about how kevin is so unfairly represented in fic most of the time#like i'm SORRY that he wants things to function as intended#and i'm SORRY that he wants people to achieve their exy potential when that's all he's known to be valuable his entire life#kevin day is my boyfriend#and i love him#so WHAT#emetophobia#TW#emetophobia tw#i saw someone repost with this and i didnt ecven THINK i am so sorry i have added the tw
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This half-foot. Dandan.




Looks preety similar to this lady here (I'll put them together so you see):


Half-lidded eyes, black hair&eyes, small eyebrows, curly hair... Dandan's skin is lighter probably because of low sun exposure (dungeon), and he has tons of freckles because he preety.
This two are clearly relatives if not siblings.
Flertom is a mirror image of the lady up there. She got Chil's eyes. She even has almost the same haircut (a bit longer). She's clearly the mother. We've solved Chilchuck's wife mystery.
But this wasn't what I was going to say.
This implies that Wife and Dandan both knew Chilchuck since their childhood. Because there's no way that Chil was just friend of the sister. They're both close to the same age, and I'll say Dandan is a Younger sibiling (she gives big sis vibes, and he gives young bro vibes). So either she introduced him to her brother or he introduced him to his sister and they became best friends as kids.
Could you imagine how their relationship was after Chil's Wife left him?
He knows he has to say something, but he doesn't want to end his relationships. At the end he takes his sister's side. He distances a bit from Chilchuck, calling him an "aquitance" rather than a friend. It isn't that he hates him, is just that it's complicated. And they both know it. They're in good terms tho, they just aren't best friends anymore and they don't talk about it. Their worry is the guild, not their personal stuff.
That's why Dandan introduces Chilchuck to Laios. If they were in bad terms, he would've suggested any other half-foot. They both priorize the guild and general safety of their own race. That's why Dandan suggests Chil instead of a less experienced hafling. He cares about the union and respects Chil's time and experience in dungeons. They're on good terms, at least good enough. Summing up, I get the feeling Dandan doesn't particularly likes Chil after what happened with his sister, but he respects him at least.
#hi fandom its me again overanalyzing side characters from 5 panels alone and some background context! <3#i will do this again.. eventually... not on dandan. this is all i could see in him ;(#also i think their relationship gets better as time passes#it's been 4 years since wife left him#and 5 years since half-foot union was formed#i'm a wife×chilchuck lover. i'll believe they talked about it and eventually (give them a year) got back together#and Dandan allows himself to be friends with Chil again so he doesnt feel he's bettaying his sis by doing so or sth.#human interactions are so complicated.. i love them.. fascinating... eeling like Kabru. ill put them in a jar and study them like bugs.#Dandan#Dandan dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#delicious in dungeon#i need an oficial name for Wife. i need.#i have the feeling Wife's older because they got married quite young. and Dandan seems the same age as Chil.#if anything hes younger. idk. tgeres no way shes marrying at 12 (chil married at 13 and dandan is same age)#this is my theory#idk how they are i insist. im working with crumbs here.#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#chilchuck dungeon meshi#i need to get some sleep lol#my shit#dungeon meshi spoilers
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a brief summary of Mystic Messenger (OG edition) x
#mystic messenger#saeyoung choi#jumin han#jaehee kang#hyun ryu#yoosung kim#look what i found in my drafts from yesteryear#i don't have photoshop on this computer atm so unfortunately i couldn't add my take on our AS boys#but feel free to add your own#what would their overly-simplified summaries even be?#cheritz really stepped up their game in creating characters with poor coping mechanisms there#i included the template above for inquiring minds#and yes it is from zoey 101#i guess you could say this post itself.. is mysme 101#707#jumin#jaehee#zen#yoosung#mine#**#idk why i'm even posting this in the year 2024 lol#i guess why not since past me made it?#for some reason#what was going on in her head at the time when she was doing this instead of studying is beyond me#oh well#my blog became a dumping ground long ago#the last pic with us as the mc makes me think some things never change tbh
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I don’t know how I never played any of the Nancy Drew games as a kid, I love point and click and I love Nancy drew and I would have been all over them!! My sister and I are playing through them together now and it is just an absolute joy. (She is however much better at puzzles than me so idk maybe they would have frustrated me as a kid)
Also it’s giving me some inspo to ~actually~ practice drawing and backgrounds etc. so anyway here’s treasure in the royal tower WIPS. I really want to do some actual illustrations from these games.
Also Evelyn/gabsmolders streams are just prime content for background comfort noise when pain flares or fatigue keep me in bed.
#I really don’t know why I picked that spot in the castle as a background study#there’s way too much detail so idk if I’ll actually colour it#also it’s blizzarding right now and the vibes of tower fit so love that for me#I am also strugggling with dexter and I think it’s cause of bias cause he’s my favourite#TRT#treasure in the royal tower#nancy drew#nancy drew pc games#also designing covers/posters or something for these games would be such a fun thing to do#I wanna do fun typography again I don’t get as much of a chance to do that at work#and like#nancy drew games#her interactive#I don't think this counts as character design really cause i'm just going off of reference.#character art#character design#but like#loose#my art <3#gab smolders#Hotchkiss#sketchbook
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sometimes i hate my tendency to try to puzzle out how exactly a fictional mechanic would function irl because i just wanted to make a post about how i think the terrifyingly good gramarye eyesight (that works in tandem with the tension sensing and the focus to let them Perceive—"Their 'power' relies on eyesight combined with exceptional focus.") would affect apollo being abruptly moved from a quiet mountainous area to a metropolitan city with a bajillion people in it as a child (it would suck at first. Badly) but then i started trying to explain WHY it would suck so badly and now i'm knee-deep in articles about neuroscience and psychology and shit like "Variability in human cone topography assessed by adaptive optics scanning laser ophthalmoscopy" in an attempt to somewhat explain a possible way the gramarye power could work. and you know what. fuck it. rough potential explanation of my original point with no elaboration behind it. exceptional visual acuity is where the ability to subconsciously "sense" tension comes from (they See it but they don't consciously register it because of selective filtering—"She wouldn't realize that she was subconsciously detecting this tension...") -> the other known gramaryes in the games were raised in and/or very accustomed to loud chaotic environments (we know jack shit about magnifi's childhood) so they were desensitized to all the visual noise (habituation) in a way that apollo wouldn't have been since he was raised in relative isolation in the mountains -> apollo might not have known how to employ the "focus" part of the power at that point but he had to have been absolutely miserable at first (until he also grew desensitized to it) when you consider his eyesight combined with being thrust into a giant city. his bracelet was probably clamped onto his wrist until he got used to it and was able to tune all the visual noise (People, especially. Everywhere) out. Or something. WHATEVERRRRR
#i think the gramaryes just pass down the genes for extraordinary visual acuity. hyperacuity. idk man i study computers#not biology. i'm just thinking out loud for the sake of fun character ideas#anyway moving from rural to urban areas is stressful enough can you imagine doing it with#freakishly good vision on top of it. i'd claw my eyes out
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the options are: - very stupid fembastian AU but it's mostly just humour - sonboy is NOT doing well and the hungry demon isn't helping... until he is for some reason???? (dadbastian but in the fucked-up way i enjoy writing dadbastian) - grelle character study that's kind of cute but depressing - weird sebagni "fix-it" except agni still dies - finny-centric early days of phantomfam fic because i need to learn how to write finny at some point
now the real question is which writing wip do I want to work on
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I think some folks MAY have gotten the wrong idea about how I feel about Circe with some of my posts. So, to clear the air...
Homies, I love that fucked up sorceress.
I love how we're never given a reason why she turns people into animals. That's so funny and so awful. And another potion-making magic gal?!?! I love that she's just basically vibing on an island doing whatever she wants. I even love the fact that she scares Odysseus shitless! She's morally gray and that's why she's FUN.
I just sincerely hate when people try to girlboss her or have her be a victim of SA when she never was Looking at you, Miller. Especially when she was actually the one who coerced Odysseus in exchange for his men being transformed back into humans. And even then, while he was clearly afraid of her, (it's in the language of the Odyssey) she likely meant him no harm after a certain point. He just didn't know that.
Why does she need a reason to do awful things? Why can't she just be a goddess who does whatever she wants? That's the reason why I love her!!! She's fucked up!!! :D
I hate what the Telegony did to her as well! >:( You're telling me, this sorceress goddess, who makes potions (!!!) wouldn't have magic contraceptives??? Would WANT CHILDREN?!?! WITH THE PATHETIC WIFEMAN?! No. Fuck no. Eugammon of Cyrene, I have beef with you 🤬
Anyways!!! Understand all the "#anti circe" I have is simply Anti "Girlboss Circe" or the book. I genuinely think she's neat af as her morally gray, fucked up sorceress self and just get frustrated with...everything :'D
#I have these same feelings with Medea and Medusa and so many others. Penelope too. Let them do something fucked up just to be fucked up#I'm a “god forbid women do anything” in the sense of 'she did a fucked up thing. That's why she's fascinating. Don't take her awfulness#away from her!!! please! I wanna study her under a microscope!'😭#PLEASE#...I actually kind of don't like the idea of her actually caring about her nymphs :P maybe she “protects them” but like...#I see her as a “Why are all of you dancing? Oh. it's a birthday? hm okay. Just make sure your duties are done.” while not caring#whose birthday it is. She's not really shown to be close to them during the Odyssey and idk just seems in character for her to not give af#save me morally gray circe#<-making that a tag now because...yeah. She absolutely wouldn't save me though.#Mad rambles#shot by odysseus#anti madeline miller#anti circe#<-THE BOOK! I HATE THE BOOK! LET HER BE AWFUL YOU COWARDS#Why do women need to be SA'ed to be strong Miller?! >:(#...Ima say it. The pathetic wifeman is more relatable to me than Hot Snake Monster Lady when it comes to this stuff.😤#I just sincerely hate the fact that people erase what happened to him you know? It's silly but it means a lot to me.#Also I think she got bored of him immediately and simply let him chill at her place.#She's a goddess. She's got better things to do and she absolutely doesn't love him and he absolutely doesn't want her.#I don't have with Eugammon btw. He's dead and I'm exaggerating but I STILL hate the Telegony >:(#tw sa#kind of??? idk#barely mentioned but yeah#Calypso though?? Yeah. I hate her in practically everything except Pirates of the Caribbean because that's not Odyssey Calypso
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"Uh- I'm Arnold. Bennett. It's profoundly difficult to get your lifes works and studies accepted if your name isn't... yes, oh! Are you a fan of moths, sir?"
NEW RDR2 OC!! a reclusive, clumsy entomologist and bug collector; cooped up in his study of uniformed clutter
#i drew him on such a tiny file 😭😭DIDNT THINK ABT IT im so used to drawing less detailed big headed trolls BWHAHA#I'm still figuring out where he's from and his lore!#he's definitely from south asia... I'm leaning towards him originally being from Sri Lanka#which I BELIEVE was called Ceylon at the time under british rule#im looking forward to spending some time on researching this further before coming to any conclusions. for now his backstory isss vague#and practically nonexistant#he now lives in Saint Denis! if he was in game his study would be accessible#likely through a greenhouse similar to Algernon's encounters yknow!!#some stained glass windowss lots of lamps and dark academia inspo... also agitha twilight princess inspired#he's very socially awkward and clumsy#used to being a recluse and submitting his findings and works semi-anonymously through his name but without a face#so when he encounters arthur or john OR the player if in online he's VERY surprised and even clumsier#but extremely enthusiastic to share his passions#LISTEN I'm playing rdr2 for hours almost every day but I can't tell if insects are studyable#IF it was a feature THIS MAN!!! would be the one to send you on missions related to it ESPECIALLY online#ANYWAY!!!! these r things that have instantly come to mind for him!! I hope I can develop him a little more with time and research#red dead redemption 2#red dead redemption#rdr2#rdr#OC#original character#protagonist ocs#I NEVER POST MY OCS ON HERE i need 2 start posting them again#OH AND OBVIOUSLY he changed his name at least professionally... idk if it was legally or he just went around signing off as a different nam#unless someone asks for his original name he probably won't give it#i need 2 adjust his sideburns because theyr meant to be all white with some line definition but i forgot abt it 💀
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my brain can't make sense of it rn but please take my hand and ponder the differences between the family structure of the Shiraishi household compared to the rest of vbs.
#all 4 of them do majorly revolve around the dad when it comes to parental matters#an/toya get this more prominently as ken and harumichi are major side characters. but shinei has had an impact on both his children#(just moreso ena) and when the azusawa household gets mentioned it is usually in regards to papasawa#(shares photography hobby with kohane/main worrier when she starts out)#however very notable is that yuka is perhaps the most significant non-live2d side character in the game#as she has a significant role in an's card stories for lutf and (to my knowledge) has an impact in let's study hard#(which i think makes sense. she's a school teacher)#and on top of that is absolutely the main source of income for the shiraishis (especially now that ken isn't running weekend garage)#idk. i feel like it being an's family to seperate from the gender norms surrounding incomes and who does what#especially with regards to vivid street's running themes of community and being a different space (a queer space). definitely intentional#i got to this because i imagined drawing ken and yuka btw (old and young) idk where this came from.#shinei and harumichi are the “heads” of the households. and we get little on the azusawas but i'd assume it's the same there#idk. i think it's interesting. and important to consider when pondering how/why they act in certain ways#and because i'm normal. kohane's household being what would be considered “normal” is very much a cause for her beginning point#no resolve or dream because she is not from a family already in the arts. photography is only a hobby. it's very likely her parents are of a#very typical straight dynamic. which is why vivid street speaks to her in such a way#because she's never been in a place like it before#bagel's rambles
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there's something to be said about nickels and having two of them


#i am alienating half of my audience by posting this LMAOO#they're the same if you think about it#a guy named chip who in the fourth season kidnapped (at least) one of the main characters#put them in a craft version of their house with the intent of leaving them there forever#while they have a version they show to the world vs only in private#and they're twinks#OH THEYRE ALSO RICH ADSHOLES OMGHH HOW COULD I FORGET#ohhhh chip searchparty you're such a good villain#and whistler is here too i guess idk#study btw i've had a 'realism' bug#also was inspired by a thesubstance piece i saw on the other photo app#i really like searchparty it's good#i have NAWT seen the new bcg yet no spoilers#art#big city greens#search party#no character tags today i'm nervous#what if x met y
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miscellany (again),, tags in the last image by @pyrotechnicarus
#adamandi#vincent aurelius lin#quincy cynthius martin#ambrose wellington bassford#portia elizabeth harper#beatrix valeria campbell#bit of nonsense bit of sillies (ohhh she thinks she's so funny huh.. anyways the brainrot. out out out)#please don't ask me about them take them at face value laugh and move on or smth i keep worrying i've read them Wrong#these have been living in my head rent free for a week and i'm now evicting them politely#anyway i drew all these as scribbles in my sketchbook in-between exam week and today i wanted them out of my head. so digital it is#i've spent two hours on this haha as a. would you even guess. a break from the beatrix thingy i've been planning because that one's rendery#quiet little notes on this... um.. i have started drawing quincy (idk how!!!)#yknow after the last ambrose literal study. i'm kind of mad about the fact that doing an unintentional study Worked???#like. he's the ONE character i have a grasp of how to draw. everyone else is 'randomly whack until you get the vibes and vague structural#integrity'. can we talk about shape language real quick though because ambrose is oval beatrix is circle quincy is rectangle#vincent is square and portia is triangle. that's how it is in my head.#texture wise. vincent is charcoal and graphite. ambrose is traditional painting blended. beatrix is crosshatching and ink.#quincy is like... marker? and watercolour. portia is digital and cell shading. i can't explain any of the correlations they just Are#for the. oddly detailed quincent i Wasn't intending to draw i had to pull up the musical and re-reference them. could draw one then not the#other?? so i struggled with quincy until i Got them and then i couldn't for the life of me get vincent right.... is it something about like#drawing one character at a time? like there's only room in my mind to understand one set of proportions at any given moment???#a fun little fact was just that i began photo refs as always from hahnji jang's page (which has been? saved in my search autofill now??) an#i didn't even have to get a specific image of quincy being in angst. but for smiling vincent i had to purposefully find oh ms reporter#well! consider this yet another part in the trying to figure out how everyone looks like/vibes as/gets drawn as Characters#a secret little code i keep for the stuff i make now is that i need to have something about the drawn medium that makes it unique to itself#as like opposed to a gif or screenshot or photoedit. it has to have extra meaning. and this appears two ways: one is through Implications i#the more Finished stuff. (aka poster series?) and the other one is by engaging in Ideas (generally posts. or memes/incorrect quotes/etc.)#had a really really interesting convo with a friend irl about fanart and fandoms. they were really active for genshin and stuff and so the#experiences between large and small fandoms were fascinating to compare.. i think i prefer the .. intimacy(?) of just doing what i obsess#over instead of looking for the statistics and clout and notes now. the art i make feels more meaningful and intentional that way.
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did I finally manage to write a brand new fic? I sure did!! with many, many thanks to the lovely @eeblouissant for inspiring me with these beautiful drawings of Blanche dipping Dorothy (and the incredibly sweet follow-up with Rose playing the piano, after our chat about this scene!!) I hope I managed to do it justice ;)
Summary
When Dorothy mentions she’s never been dipped before, Blanche and Rose decide to take matters in their own hands.
#i've been a liiiittle too tired lately to be able to really edit something#so this is honestly a bit of a gamble lol but i think it's finally fine enough to post!!#trust me to turn an action-heavy scene into an introspective character study lmao i know how to write One Type of thing only#anyway rose is very observant in here & i have my reasons for that!! first off she's the narrator and obviously narrators have to observe#but!! i've got more reasons. she seems pretty aloof a LOT of the time in the show. but then she's also a grief counsellor#+ she's occasionally very insightful!#so i figured i'd combine those facts with my autistic rose headcanon:#she's able to be observant in these scenes because she's not directly involved in the social interaction there?#like she's witnessing from the sidelines#& idk about other autistic people but I feel like I tend to see a LOT more when i'm not directly involved in the social situation#there's less pressure when you're an outsider & that leaves more room to actually think & observe??#because you're not also occupied with being social + making eye contact + thinking of what to say/how to react etc etc#anyway i really hope that sort of made sense oof. I really went off in these tags sjdfk#the golden girls#rose nylund#blanche devereaux#dorothy zbornak#golden wives
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#Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Mmmmmhhh#I had to step away and do something very quick after watching the episode so now I'm afraid I forgot all of it lol#Okay thoughts:#I'm afraid I'll keep saying this every time. Do not. Give me. An amv opening. Don't do that. Postpone your airing date. I don't care#I feel like I wasn't as pissed with it when they did that for s3 but it's probably a case of the s3 opening at least looked somewhat–#better (??) + you can make a mistake once but don't think I will let it slip a second time#Other than that... To be fair this episode was animated fairly well. I think you can really notice a big quality drop after the–#Ranpo-realizing-who-Kamui-is sequence but overall it's more than okay.#The colours of the ship irk me a little but to be fair I never thought colours were b/sd anime strong point...#This episode was sooooooo political in so many ways I could literally talk about it for hours#(don't test me I'm not kidding. Talking about politics in anime for hours is something I've done in the past and will do in the future.)#(Then again I study/think/breathe politics pretty much 24/7 so is that really surprising... )#I need to write an essay on Fukuchi's speech alone. The public speech communication techniques [redacted Italian politics comment].#The way he's welcomed [redacted eu parliament comment]. Unfortunately I don't have time for it but breaking it down very quickly#1. Suggesting to unify defences worldwide is INSANE. No one would ever take it. Probably going to be cynical here but there's one (1) thing#states care about and it's the independence of their own sovereignty (that is: no one has the right to come and tell what must be done–#within one's borders). Eu has been trying to do exactly that (unify defences) for decades to no avail. Nato is on the brink of crumbling–#down. It's just... Such a distant perspective from how the world works right now? Idk.#Which brings me to 2. Even if it's deeply inconsistent with how world politics work the bsd un perspective is still very coherent with–#a latter thesis brought up in the manga that is “countriest tend to merge and come together” which is. Very anti-historical if you ask me–#but idk. Beautiful to imagine I suppose.#What else uhm... I liked the drawings this episode... Even Atsushi was back being pretty at some points... (Generally not really a fan of–#what the style in the later seasons came to be). Also 55 Minutes reference ‼‼‼#I like Fukuchi's character so much......... I love idealist characters... And the inherent loneliness... The longing... The yearning!!!!!!#I love him so. Oh and I LOVED Akutagawa. I thought his entrance wouldn't have impacted me after all this time (and after knowing–#what episode 3 will be lol). And yet it was such an emotional moment!!!! What do you mean Atsushi is scared to be alone and Akutagawa is–#coming for him!!!!!! I'm crying all my tears. And Akutagawa was so cool in the end!!! By heart was beating so fast!!!!!#It's the etheral blurred light...#The way he still manages to come off so cool despite being inherently pathetic is nothing short to miraculous
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hello, hello, you all — so... i hope you all are having a great thursday thus far, and i thought i'd bring this up now since i hadn't before; but with ana's zombification comes some noticeable differences to his behavior as well as appearance. because, and don't get me wrong, he was already pale before... but now anastasiy's skin now has this pallor that takes on a sickly look. and it has become necessary for ana to have to apply some concealer to his skin daily to hide the fact that his lips are, indeed, sort of tinged blue + some veins (particularly around his eyes and mouth) can clearly be seen and it definitely isn't the most uhh. natural look, to say the least JSJSJ
now, i'll probably cover more about his behavioral differences later, but one thing is that this man does have these SICK and TWISTED urges to consume human flesh as a zombie would in typical fiction would... so that's lovely / j LMAO nahhh, i'm totally being sarcastic with y'all right now as that is actually horrifying. but anastasiy does try his darndest to resist giving into this temptation because cannibalism is a BIG no-no in society for a reason (because its absolutely terrible and extremely gross) + with... slightly mixed results 😬
#NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT BRAVERY FEELS LIKE FEAR: musings.#SEE HOW OUR WANTS HORRIFY US: headcanons.#TO SUFFER. IT MEANS GOD IS NEAR. GRACE — LIKE A SCALPEL WITHOUT ANESTHESIA: character study.#ooc post.#yeah so... i'll have you know that i was THIS close to calling ana 'mister man' but then i was like JSJSJ nah i've got to be a littleee more#serious here even though i am pretty much the queen of being sillay by now BC idk how i would make that work while talking about-#CANNIBALISM so... yeah ☠️ but anyways how are we feeling about ana's character so far y'all? but OFC there's no pressure for anyone-#to answer that i'm just genuinely curious NGL haha. because i think that anastasiy is pretty different from peeps like barton-#and blamore in the way that he is still morally bankrupt for killing people as it's NEVER alright and/or justified to do that#in ana's mind however he was torn between two impossible choices and he didn't know that manja's deal would be as bad as it turned out-#to be. but he still has to take responsibility for the fact that he made it and that his moral compass is definitely entirely skewed now#because saving person in exchange for dooming a bunch of others is... 😬 yeahhh i think we all can agree that it's a selfish choice#at the very least#tw: body horror.#tw: cannibalism.#tw: mentions of murder.
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Local loser yapping about ratiomei again
Related to this reading material and Ruan Mei's annotations towards it
#honkai star rail#ratiomei#dr ratio x ruan mei#night thoughts#character study#I think??? idk#rain_shitpost#please please I know I'm not the only one who likes them rightttttt#but shipping these two indeed feel lonely most of the time why you all so quiet dawggg I want feedbacks if you have any (positive ones pls)
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priest: i don't, ah, quite know what to say to you. if you are in such terrible danger, why are you taking it all so calmly? constantine: hmh! i dunno, father. i had a bloke beaten to a pulp earlier this evening. that sound calm to you? priest: you did what...? constantine: i must've been off me bleedin' rocker. i've never done anything like it before in me life, y'know?
constantine: but there's header gets his guts blown out, and george is stickin' his head in the noose, and helen gets ... jesus, then friggin' sarah bites me head off — ! everything's coming to bits in me hands and it's so easy to just see red and now, shit, they could've killed the tosser for all i know! and now i'm just like the bastards i've hated all me life! kill him! fire him! close them down! piss all over him! screw you, i can do whatever i want! i so much as blink and you're dead, pal! i'm in charge!! ...
constantine: 'scuse me, father. i'm always like this when i don't get me own way. — hellblazer #81, "rake at the gates of hell pt. 4"
babygirl you are just....so, sooooo offputting. (and grieving, and guilty, and terrified, but yeah: offputting.)
anyway, it's issues like this one that remind me why i kind of hesitate over some of the retcons in the recent spurrier runs, like the one with him now having opened dream's pouch of sand and stolen some before they even met. because like, it's easy enough to look at john constantine now — with 70 years of worst possible choices and unresolved trauma crystallizing underneath his skin to cover up all the soft, hopeful bits where he's used to getting hit — and assign him arbiter of ill intentions, magus of wasted potential, saint of shit choices, but man . . . he was new to this, once. he was still new to this 80 issues in.
80 issues in, and he's not used to losing friends yet; he even has time enough between catastrophes to grieve each individual one. still has enough left to live for at this stage to necessitate running and hiding, instead of bodily throwing himself at the problem like he learns to later, or sitting apathetically by to do nothing except smoke and watch the world fall apart when he finally gives up. fuck, he still apologizes.
and you're telling me this guy, this soppy wet cat motherfucker hiding from the devil in a church basement, so guilty over not knowing what happened to the guy that he paid people (paid chas, so chas could pay people) to attack that the bottle he's holding in this scene isn't even his second or third........this guy's past, more innocent self lied right to the face of DREAM OF THE ENDLESS and got away with it?
hm. i just don't know about all that.
#also this is where my headcanons tag is from <3#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD.#( character study. ) A WALKING PLAGUE OF A MAN.#sometimes i just think that. people really like to reduce constantine down to one or two things#and somehow. after 250 issues of putting his life on the line bc he could never really make himself look away from people suffering#the soft sullen guilty person who wants so fucking desperately to be a better man? is never one of those two things#idk man. i think about this issue all the time#if i put these pages side-by-side with his grief in hellblazer 2? with his grief in hellblazer 213? 215? during the empathy virus arc?#it becomes CRYSTAL clear that the guy we know at the end of hellblazer isn't someone the guy who sat vigil for gary lester would recognize#in fact i think he's someone that hellblazer 81 constantine would fucking Hate#ANYway yeah. i don't think he lied to dream about the pouch. i don't think he ever got it open. i don't think that's canon for me#i want him to fucking Earn his asshole nature. the hard way. by making All The Wrong Choices that it took to get him there#he paved that road with good intentions himself but. he also used to remember the ones he started with#idk if i'm making sense but i have had this panel open on my laptop for Two Months now#bc i can never stop thinking about how fucking crushed he is here to realize that he might be exactly as bad a man as sarah said he was#and how little it will surprise him later on to learn that he is Easily capable of So Much Fuckin Worse#and with that your honor the defense rests. our evidence? just. just Look at this fuckin guy#scopophobia /#scopophobia#eye contact /#eye contact tw
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