#i'm the worst Explainer in the world actually idk why you guys ask me anything ahgdghsaghdgsh

[teddybeartoji]

hi!!! can you explain self-shipping to me like i’m 5 😭😭 i’ve never heard of it until tumblr and it seems fun!

IT'S LIKE X READER BUT IT'S X YOU . you know how x reader fanfics are mostly made so everybody can relate to them and everybody can imagine themselves in a story right? but when it's a selfship it's literally just YOU and your character. like i selfship with toji and i have very specific scenarios of us together, like how we met and how our relationship will grow etcetc and it's all very personal to me and i'm not trying to make it so others can necessarily relate to that story. selfshipping is for your own fun and your comfort it's like a little relationship inside your head!!!!!!!!!

some ppl only selfship with one or two characters while others may do it with a bunch of them (me for an example) aaand they're all different. there really are no rules when it comes to selfshipping IN MY OPINION bc they're literally there for fun and comfort and lovey dovey thoughts<3333333333333

[clangenrising]

I’m gonna be honest; maybe it’s just me but it’s always been pretty easy 4 me 2 sympathize w/ Razor and Sardine- XP Part of it is cuz yknow… They’re just fictional characters and it takes a lot 4 me 2 h8 some1 dat dosent exist, but also idk how 2 explain it but I can so see why both of them turned out the way they did, idk how 2 describe it but when I look @ their environments and thought processes it just makes sense; I always saw them less so as irredeemable demons and more so as cats that probably have a cluster b personality they refuse 2 get treated resulting in them becoming horrible ppl :P

I'm actually going to push back on that pretty hard. Razor and Sardine do NOT have Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder/sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder).

As far as I'm aware, people with Cluster B Personality Disorders are actually more likely to be the victims of violence than perpetrators of it. While it is true that they are also more likely to be violent than people with other disorders, these disorders are highly stigmatized and it would be irresponsible of me to say that my two worst villains have them and that's why they are murderers and abusers and sadists. That does actual harm to people who have these disorders.

As well, these disorders are often linked to childhood trauma which neither Razor or Sardine have, but you guys wouldn't know about that because I haven't told you guys anything about their backstories which means that there are a lot of assumptions being made here. Razor and Sardine are hugely privileged and their malice comes from that privilege, and more importantly their entitlement.

They believe the world belongs to them because they're men and they're house cats. They face no consequences for their violence and so they get more violent. These are very mundane and banal reasons for evil and I explicitly wanted to create villains who were cruel for those kinds of banal reasons. They are irredeemable specifically because they refuse to be redeemed.

I feel like you want to have a woobified version of my characters in your head so you interpret them as being victims of their disorder when in the text they are first and foremost fascists. I don't mean to be harsh but this is such a harmful misreading of my text that I can't help but be a little upset by it. But also, please don't feel the need to apologize or grovel for upsetting me. I'd ask that instead you stop and think and do research on these disorders and consider what harmful assumptions you may be unknowingly holding onto.

[bugcatcherkit]

do you have shou mom hc or anything like that? I was looking at the bingo cards and wondered about your thoughts

kind of YES! I'm making another list. I don't know if you mean the entire Broad Range of what a HC is, or something specific. So these will be random thoughts I think about her.

This isn't really a HC and more explaining and/or expanding her canon personality traits. But alongside her headstrongness, I think she can be impulsive. Like, rushes into things she shouldn't but she becomes wholeheartedly committed anyway. Which isn't to say she's naive -- she knows exactly what she's getting into, she just thinks she can handle more than she actually can. Like someone else I know..

Also anybody else notice her strong need to make a huge impact on somebody else's life. She chose the Worst Guy ever with full intent that she alone could Fix Him (didn't even wait to see if she could). I think she wants the validation that her words, efforts, and convictions alone can make the world (and other people) a little better overall. It's just interesting that she could possibly seek a Big Goal through relationships themselves instead of at the expense of them.

Does anybody else think about how she was the only person outside of Claw who knew about it. Her ex literally got someone murdered and she couldn't do anything about it or go to anyone (because who's going to believe that? Especially when she doesn't have any evidence). And she had to live with it for years. Probably isolating as hell !!!! Especially because we don't know what her support system outside of her family was, if she even had an extensive one.

I imagine she tends to feel bad about things very easily, specifically her own actions/inaction, and how that effects other people. Like a responsibility thing, even though most things are out of her control. Her knowing when she needs to quit doesn't quite stop her feeling bad for doing so (and also I don't think she learned her own limits until That Argument, so she's like "what if I did More". It's part of I think she's always asking about Toichiro and planned to visit him with Shou -- she wanted to try again. This is Alongside her concern for him).

OKAY I am going to rant about the abandonment thing again because I keep seeing it still. Grabs everyone by the shoulders. There are so many reasons that she did not take Shou with her. Since (in the context of the argument) her leaving seems like a split-second decision, she probably did not have the proper resources to support him immediately after she left. By the time she got something figured she literally couldn’t get custody. AND I hope nobody forgot that Toichiro used Shou as leverage against her and that was why he cut contact between them entirely (or he thought he did). But they stayed in contact anyway!!!!!!!! They called and visited!!!! People get so distracted with the "abandonment" part that they overlook any potential complicated feelings that probably exist on both sides. Because those are very normal to have with a situation like that!!! For example, her leaving did not have the effect she thought it would (make Toichiro see his mistakes), and she has to consider that! But, at the time, she had run out of things to do or say, and it wouldn't have mattered anyway because the whole point was that Toichiro refused to listen to her or consider her feelings or Accept Change at all. Can anybody hear me??? So sorry to put this rant here when all you wanted was some headcanons

FUCK THAT GOT LONG. That's not even HC that's just character analysis I think? I don’t know anything. I'm actually bad at HCs guys. IDK what characters do in their spare time I just hyper-analyze their thoughts and motivations and ideals. Here's some actual HC maybe?

post-divorce she doesn't get her own place for a while (she is Unsure of what her next steps are and has a LOT to consider) but when she does it's quite small and cozy. Though, it only develops a Homely feel when Shou starts visiting. It becomes more personalized after that, I guess? Does that make sense.

She seems like the type to have a collection of trinkets that are One specific animal. She's got like 50 little porcelain bears sitting on a shelf somewhere or something.

she has one of those ugly little dogs with the crusty eyes. And she saw him at the shelter and he was so old and sad that she almost cried, so she had to take him home.

She is big on manners. Constantly scolding Shou for his lack of them when he moves in with her finally

also she's got the same bluntness and genuineness that Tsubomi has, I think. Actually she has a lot in common with Tsubomi. They are shaking hands. Committed to the people they care about but don't sacrifice their true selves for anything. Etc.

LET HER HAVE A LITTLE GARDEN!!!!!!! She'd love it. She'd talk to her plants to help them grow.

I want to give her a name but I haven't been able to settle on one. Very sad. Hopefully soon?

this feels like me saying a whole lot of nothing. I guess I couldn't get too deep into things because at that point it would feel like I'm inventing a totally different character (because she does not exist in the narrative outside of Narrative Device). Maybe she needs it though. but I fear i cannot do Mob Psycho like ONE can....

[vohtaro]

to the anon who sent me an ask recommending i read the da vinci code: sorry tumblr ate your ask. i do hope you see this.

so here it is. my da vinci code book review.

well, that was... a book.

context: while i have seen the movie 'angels & demons' like seventeen billion times bc it was on tv all the time, i have only seen the da vinci code once, probably around when it came out. i feel it safe to say that i was fairly fresh on the material. i listened to it on audiobook over the course of 3 weeks bc that's what was available soonest from my library.

i can start by saying... i get why this book was popular. you have conspiracy, "the church is hiding a truth!" drama, little puzzles that chock themselves up far beyond their merit... selling the idea that every symbol, every story, is somehow this secret tapestry that all cultures across the world are metaphorically shaking hands on... yeah. it's the kind of book that someone reads and gets the chat about at dinner parties and end on, "well, you never know, it could be true!". the chapters are short, too, which is amazing given the amount of entirely unnecessary detail stuffed into them.

brown's writing style is at times deeply insufferable. most times it's mundane, but his descriptors are damn painful at times. the detail he provides are either entirely unnecessary and add nothing, or are so far beyond what anyone cares about. but i think the worst offense of his writing is the air of smugness that it carries. the obnoxious quips about hollywood, the students he was lecturing at whatever school, his general internal monologue; there were these little remarks that i could just feel that when dan brown wrote them, he paused from his typing to give himself a cheeky little pat on the back. "I showed them," he chortled to himself, wiggling in his chair. "gave them a good smarting, I did!". it feels like brown has a Big Thought about some utterly minuscule thing that absolutely does not matter, but if he doesn't say it, he'll fckin explode.

as someone who has no serious religious background/education, i found the entire "secret"... rather underwhelming. i struggle to imagine that the entire world would be torn asunder because jesus fucked that one time. and not to mention, the idea of a direct bloodline from jesus being so vital for ??? some reason that i don't even recall was explained, felt so... bizarre?? just entirely strange. like, i don't know why the existence of a direct descendant of jesus christ would be so fundamental in the destruction of a multi-thousand year long faith, but sure. pop off, dan brown. and no, i really don't want anyone to explain it to me.

robert as a character is very. idk. he's inoffensive, ig. his character suffers by being a product of brown's desire to mic drop once in a while. i'm sure robert said some dumb shit that i forgot about, but he's really just some guy talking out of his ass with a bit too much confidence. he's not intentionally rude or anything. it's hard to describe him bc he's just A Guy who knows shit about pictures. he's a picture guy. Professor Picture. idk if he's a professor.

sophie meanwhile is a character whose purpose is being by-association rather than being a person with her own agency. she is important because she knew jacques and solved his riddles and puzzles as a child; not because of her own professional merits. she solves like three things at the beginning, all of them being word puzzles and then the fibonacci sequence password at the bank. otherwise, she is someone who gets upset about her late grandfather for a plethora of different reasons. not unreasonable of her, given just how much she uncovers in the span of 36 hours, but that's really where her character ends. at times, she is forward, perhaps even brazen with her determination, which i did appreciate. at the start of the story, she's actually moving the plot along quite a bit: she gives robert the clue via the phone message; she breaks the window in the bathroom and throws the tracker too iirc; she's driving during the car chase, helping robert escape (in her hashtag not sponsored Smart Car). but after that..... it feels like she's just along for the ride. i feel like she could have been more instrumental as time went on.

and speaking of sophie.... i could entirely feel the way that stupid romantic subplot was being shoved in between robert and sophie because some editor demanded it. it was so fucking brutal. their little """moment""" outside the house before robert left for paris the next morning had my fingers leaving impressions in the steering wheel.

the worst puzzle had to be the isaac newton one bc as soon as newton was mentioned i was like "apple. it's apple." and it took an UNGODLY amount of pages for anyone to piece it together. literally how did it take THAT FUCKING LONG. i was yelling in my vehicle and incurring road rage over it. APPLE!!! JUST GUESS IT!!! IT'S NOT LIKE THE CRYPTEX WILL LOCK IF YOU GUESS TOO MANY TIMES!!!! COME AWNNNN!!!

so anyways, thanks for recommending it. it sure was a trip. though given that you suggested this on anon, perhaps i should say 'how could you' since you knew what this book could do to a man. /lh

if you have any specific questions for me about impressions or thoughts regarding something i did not mention, feel free to ask; it's very possible that i just forgot to mention it.

[joysmercer]

☕️ + rank the villains and why (you choose if victor is really included in this gfnkf i'm thinking rufus, rufus/vera, denby/rfs, sofia etc.)

ooh in terms of Evilness (ie morality) from worst to best:

rufus. this guy tried to directly kill the kids more times than i can count, and also will not stay dead.

senkhara. same as above but she’s also pathetically reliant on the kids, even more so than rufus. actually i think i compared those two in an ask game ages ago and switched their rankings so maybe they’re tied for first rn

denby. ok listen out of all the villains, she’s really the one that was the most scary. like we all know someone like her, someone who appears nice until she’s not, someone who will twist and lie and manipulate everyone to get what they want, someone who will gaslight you so deeply you’ll fall for it despite knowing better. but in terms of motivation, i think she can use a traumatic past as an excuse (it’s clear her dad neglected her etc) and that bumps her down—maybe if she went to therapy or something she wouldn’t have tried to bring a vengeful goddess out from god-knows-where to destroy the earth idk

sophia. i know she’s not really a kid but the fact that she had to pose as one for decades and was literally never successful until tor just has me 💀

rfs. man just stole a bunch of shit and didn’t even feel sorry for himself or anything. s3 au where kt gives him a kick in the head at the end

vera. she’s Not Good but v much giving wannabe-mean girl and it’s funny to me. also tbh the fact that she lived just shows how unimportant she is to the world

victor. he’s not evil by any means but besides tor, there is one (1) time he shows the kids any sort of affection or even just plain-and-simple concern, and it isn’t when they’re crossing the crocodile bridge or trying not to get stung in the spiderweb task or getting branded for death by an dead queen out to get them or begging any adult to not go through with a ridiculous plan to wake up a dead man. no, it’s when the kids may actually be dead and thus put his job is on the line. victor is so selfish and focused on being immortal that it ruins any good traits he could potentially have idc idc BUT like denby, he’s very much a product of his environment and i do like to think pre-s1 was more just a gruff old man than anything else.

jasper. not a bad guy but really has a talent for making some horrendous choices. at least he didn’t directly try to hurt the kids??

in terms of how compelling of characters they are, from best to worst:

rufus/victor (backstory)

denby (like i said, she’s so humanly scary, you can’t tear your eyes away)

rfs/vera (why were/are they Like That)

sophia (she’s just meh to me)

senkhara (same, except she’s also annoying as fuck)

jasper (i kinda hate this man and how he knew everything and did nothing. pitiful. wonder how he explained fabian’s decision to never visit anymore to uncle ade later)

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll give you my opinion!

[jack-kellys]

ok OK ok .

he asked if i'm a paychopath (i said how the hell should i know that?)

AND/OR

there's gotta be a way to fix who i am

ok these were tough idk why but i cracked em

send me a title and i’ll give you a plan!

first up:

albert isn’t one to criticize someone and actually mean it. but he seriously cannot be the only one who thinks jack kelly’s younger brother is a little strange.

race is wonderful, though, even so. he’s funny, he’s really quick, smart about lots of stuff, and he’s thoughtful. earnest. the guy means really well.

albert’s a bit captivated by him, fine, but mostly he’s curious. because the boy can be too smart sometimes- knowing some tidbit of information that is exactly useful in whatever scenario they’re in, or understanding perfectly how albert’s car needs to be fixed when albert’s been studying cars for years and can barely catch on to what race is saying. or sometimes saying what albert says… before he says it.

they’re not even out of high school yet- they’re 17, going into their senior year. jack and charlie—race’s brothers—don’t think anything of it, and al seems to be race’s closest friend at the moment…no one’s commented on anything. and that makes sense, technically, since it’s simply out of the ordinary.

and sometimes, so are jack and charlie, but al sees them less so maybe it isn’t fair of him to judge them.

but after school, al’s walking to meet race at jack’s truck in the parking lot, and al watches from forty feet away as race lifts his hand- and the hood of the car lifts with it.

“racer, what are you doing,” is sighed behind him, al whirls around to see jack, who honestly just looks fucking annoyed as he hears race’s ‘oh, shit! sorry!’ from beyond them, and then al is hiked over jack’s shoulder like he’s a bunch of fucking grapes and not six feet tall and their high school’s star hockey player.

he’s tossed in the car, and they drive, and it’s explained why race could figure out how to do such a thing.

it’s just. the explanation is that they’re aliens, and are currently stranded on earth.

yeah my thought process was literally “haha the title could be funny bc what if they literally didn’t know what a psychopath was because of them literally being from another world. lmao”

anyway onto the second one! this one i am. i’m looking at rn.

yk what we’re going fantasy idc.

in a world where power is defined by love,

nah jk kind of so i’m putting this au in a fantastical city where everyone has some sort of magic. lineage is everything to everyone, ancestors from centuries in the past can still define a person’s future, and especially future talents or gifts.

jack is, luckily, born into a higher position. he comes from a line of elementalists on his father’s side and healers on his mother’s. david is born lucky as well, from a long line of dedicated spellcasters, an extremely difficult magic to master.

they grow up together, taking classes and honing their skills along with their friends. this is starting to sound like the owl house but i promise they just have lots of magic types and that’s all

and jack makes a mistake. mistakes. he makes one final mistake that cannot be forgiven, because it’s not just a mistake, it’s damage. to his community, to his home, and worst of all, his family.

his parents cast him away. they don’t allow him home. they don’t forgive, not this time.

and jack finds that ever since, his magic has… dulled, when he tries to use it. and when he doesn’t try, doesn’t think, it’s- it’s out of control. the two people who had loved him the most, supported him all his life, had turned their backs, his lineage had sawed his branch off the tree, and he was paying for it.

it’s a road of hurt, acceptance, reformation, and especially learning to let others love him- because when he does, that’s when his powers start to bloom properly once again.

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[magmacannon]

OC ask meme lets go 16-20 and 31 & 32

YEEHAW let's do it... these are fun ones thank u

Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? Best biologist would be Yarrow if he actually focused on it because organic sciences come more easily to him, but also he might not be the best because his focus would be everywhere. Roman is the secondmost likely to do well at it because he's a giant nerd who lives for school and knowledge and just always does that with all his classes.

Any OC OTPs? oOO with my own guys not as much but me and my wife have a few... huge shoutout to the OGs Roman and Vince, still going strong quite literally 14 years now! (Of my own characters besides this I think I'm... forming an otp for two skyship captains... late-middle aged milf rivals is very tempting to me)

Any OC crackships? fjfhd GOOD question. I think Yarrow smash or passing every character I have is very funny as an idea, and maybe the funniest possibility is like. the absolutely world-ending relationships between the primal gods of my setting (the giant 200 mile centipede has the hots for the unknowably huge primal god of earth, go girls!!!)

Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) Okay choosing one is hard but I've been thinking abt him a lot so it's time to talk abt Yarrow!! Yarrow was the first developed OC that I made that wasn't either Just Me but slightly different (i.e. Roman) or tied/inspired by some sort of media (FR, other games I'd played) and like... idk!!! He's very important to me because of that but because he was the first character that I sat down and purposefully made a detailed background for, and is still one of the few characters I have that is intensely bold and has hard edges to him. He represents overcoming obstacles to me and becoming genuinely good person because you want it even if you're not perfect or 100% successful all the time, and then applying that same grace to others. Also he's fun to get clothes designed for and can be a goofy guy on the side which means I have fun with him in serious and silly situations.

Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)? Of my developed OCs that I can think of off the top of my head, Roman and Yarrow and Sgositova can for SURE sing and do so enough that others would know about it. Roman's a tenor with the best overall vocal skill of the bunch (he can get very loud if he wants to and still sounds pretty good!), Yarrow's a high baritone who has evolved to be a little more smooth jazz than his original voice claims (somewhere in the slider between Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra), and Tova's the worst singer technically with the most gusto and she's a husky-voiced alto (sea shanties will do that). OCs that can sing decently but don't do it often are Rho (higher alto than Tova, could sing lounge jazz if she wasn't shy) and Leynth (tenor as well, beautiful voice but has trouble with breath support and holding a note without accompaniment).

Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really) Gonna pick someone I haven't mentioned as much it's time for Grey because I think his blog would be objectively funny. Grey's blog is aesthetic black and white photos of modern architecture, grandiose party aesthetics, jewelry and suits (with links to buy them that were either there or he added on his own), and advertisements for his own business products (assuming they existed). He'd tag things with a three digit code depending on type and would have everything queued and genuinely it'd be hard to determine whether his account was a personal or company account until one day he posts something notably horny or extremely emotional and then quickly covers it up with about 80 reblogs.

Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? Roman.............................................................. just because he'd be a miserable little bastard who's nearly crying and says "who's there????" at every noise. Special mention to Dehiscence for being the monster in a horror game tho they'd do well.

[yarrowleef]

Violet and Laurel for the flower ask game? (I know you're already rewriting tallstar's revenge but I'm curious what other changes you'd make!)

Violet: What do you think is the worst trope in the series?

Does the way they write mothers in general count as a trope? also female love interests? Trying to read DotC recently made it that much more grating to me. It's the fact that in warriors 'mom' becomes a character personality in itself, sometimes permanently, rather then a role that a character temporarily takes.

Also the tendency for romances to only be developed from the males POV, while the female characters seem to just fall for someone they didn't like at all before just....randomly? Because it's more convenient for the guy in the relationship to get the girl by then? the guy does one (1) nice thing for them and that one grand act is the crux of their relationship, and not how their actual personalities mesh?? Pebbleshine/Hawking was an especially truly awful example of that. And bristleroot, and firesand (sorry but its true), I could probably come up with a lot more if given the time. idk if that is a trope exactly either but boy is it insufferable. The Erin's are bad at writing romance. Their best romances and subsequent parental/family dynamics that result from it are still only tolerable at their best because they never explore the characters, they just dull them down to fit them into the same 3 stock personalities for doting mates/parental figures and I dread every time a character gets into a relationship because it usually heralds the death of their individuality and notable characteristics

Laurel: If you could write the books, what changes would you make?

There is too many different answers to this to get into them all lmao, a very big one that I think most people agree with is the function of StarClan. Making them too physical and present just presents so many problems with absolutely no rules in the world building for how they work and what they can/can't do. If contacting the dead is this easy, and the answer for what happens after you die is so unquestionably obvious, it takes a LOT of the weight and meaning away from a character dying imo. It also takes all the mystery away from StarClan. If StarClan has no rules or restrictions or over-reigning deities or anything, they are just cats no different then when they were alive but now more sparkly, what stops them from coming down and ruining every mystery in the plot? Why would a recently dead cat not be desperately trying to contact their loved ones all the time? What reason do they have for being vague about prophecies? Why didn't Redtail come tell Bluestar the truth about what happened to him when she came to the moonstone? StarClan does so much meddling, there's nothing clear in place explaining why he couldn't do that, we're just supposed to buy that every cat that dies are all silently going by the honor system to be cryptic and distant for no reason. And in-world, it truly is for no reason b/c there are no stated greater powers or laws actually preventing them from doing these things. That's ridiculous and I don't buy it. It results in every StarClan cat feeling frustratingly ooc. It's a terrible way to build an afterlife.

I also just typed up a long incomprehensible rambling essay about how much I hate the concept of DotC, but it was too messy so I don't think I'll talk about it here. Long story short, I preferred the founding of the clans draped in mystery, I preferred the founders as mysterious near-mythological figures, and I preferred feeling like the clans were a rich ancient culture rather then less then a century old. I would not write a prequel series about the founding of the clans at all, I think that was a bad idea. That's the sort of thing I would only talk about in nursery stories and passed down legends.

[childotkw]

This has been bothering for a while and idk who to ask but you, since you've been open about your real identity/original works - I've been toying with the idea of writing fanfiction, and it's been nagging at me horribly that the tomarry/harrymort fandom is a super controversial pairing, I guess I'm paranoid but I wanted advice on how you deal with the alignment of your fanfic/published works? I want to try publishing too and, the idea it could be connected to my fanfic interests scares me T_T

Hmm, I completely relate to this, darling.

Firstly, thanks for asking. This is a very intricate topic, but I will try to explain my views on it as best I can.

So. Writing controversial pairings is always going to be a minefield. In fandoms it is relatively safe to say what you ship and not face any backlash – depending on which circles you frequent and how determined you are to keep your fandom experience away from those select few that start shit. Finding likeminded people in the bubble of fanfiction is pretty easy too.

But in the big wild world, surrounded by people who haven’t spent years of their lives entrenched in fanfiction and fandom-culture – it’s scary. There isn’t that undercurrent of tolerance, as many people do find out when they admit to ships they enjoy or a character they like, and are ridiculed by the masses for it.

This disconnection is terrifying. And let me tell you, I struggle with it daily.

The knowledge that once I publish a book, any separation between my original work and the fanfictions I write will be gone is difficult to combat against. The notion that absolute strangers that don’t have the fandom and fanfiction context might look at some of the things I have written, and start judging me, is crippling some days. It makes me not want to write at all.

And I feel like this is a pervasive notion in my generation, and the generation before me. This fear of being seen. For all the surge of Instagram and Youtuber fame – people are inherently afraid of being known. That’s why we use filters, that’s why we fall into new crazes, that’s why platforms that allow us to present certain facets of our personalities are so dominating. We love the anonymity of being known only in certain degrees.

I’m certainly not as nice as I show myself to be online when I talk to you guys. Sometimes people send me asks that absolutely infuriate or irritate me, but I always try and respond at least politely because what if people realise that I can be mean? The fear never goes away, and it influences a great deal of how I present myself. I’m not lying, I’m just not telling the truth either.

Getting back on topic – this idea of people finding out what I’ve written, and the type of pairings I enjoy, makes me uncomfortable. For so long, I refused to even tell some of the people closest to me what I was writing or who the pairings were. There is this sense of shame that clings to fanfiction, almost.

Publishing a novel would put us out there in front of the world in a way we aren’t necessarily with fanfiction. It’s putting ourselves into the spotlight, and essentially opening ourselves up to take more hits than we could potentially handle. After all, there’s no way to know what people are thinking or feeling or saying about you – and that loss of control is incredibly daunting.

Now, I realise I have just made this sound super bleak, and I apologise for that. But I’ll swing this, I promise.

For me, personally, taking the step and actually putting myself out there on my tumblr – with my full name, with my photo, sharing the snippets of my original work – was so incredibly difficult. The fear I spoke about earlier was overwhelming, and even though I knew that my followers were all wonderful and supportive people, I was still terrified of backlash.

I only took that step because of my sister.

She was the one who told me, point-blank, that if I wasn’t prepared to be known and seen as Jordan Christison, then the chances of me achieving my dream of publishing a novel might not happen. She told me that I was my own worst enemy in this scenario, and that while yes the world is a scary place, and the chances of being torn down would always be there, if my passion and love and dreams were worth anything to me, then I would need to overcome this.

So, my biggest piece of advice really boils down to what my sister told me. You need to decide if pursuing your dreams and goals are worth opening yourself up to the potential of ridicule from strangers.

One of the best quotes I have for dealing with this fear is:

“If you’re not in the arena getting your arse kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

And that’s the approach I take to my writing. While I appreciate all the comments I receive, and the overwhelming support from my readers, there are very few people that, in my eyes, can make me question my own skills and abilities. Do I accept constructive criticism? Yes. Do I accept baseless hate from people who don’t seem to understand how difficult writing is? Not really.

If, by publishing a novel, I get hate for enjoying the pairings I do and writing the fanfiction I have, I will persevere. I am not ashamed of what I have done, because every single word I write has helped me build my skills and improve on my techniques and made me a better writer. If, in the future, a reader or fan of my original work stumbles across my fanfictions and tries to make me feel embarrassed or guilty for it, I will laugh because those stories they might think are disgusting and wrong are the entire reason they got to read my original novel in the first place.

I’m not sure if this really answered your question, or gave you the advice you needed, but this is how I deal with the knowledge that people are inevitably going to connect me with my fanfictions. I hope this helps in some way, darling 💜💜

[janiedean]

After joining tumblr, my dream of becoming a published writer is forever broken and ruined. It may be drastic but I cannot imagine a future in which I'm a happy writer, knowing that what a large amount of people think is that you can't write about a gay character if you're not gay yourself, you cannot have a poc character if you're not poc yourself etc. It's frustrating and sad. That's what tumblr taught, along with simultaneously complaining all the day about the lack of rep

anon, let me tell you something first and foremost: tumblr is not a good audience when it comes to original fiction and if that’s what you want to do, delete tumblr from your perspectives.

now, I’ll go and say a lot of unpopular things before addressing your concerns, but here we go:

people on tumblr don’t read. or better: either they read fanfic which then they decide to consider the same thing as published writing, and like... while there’s a lot of fic that’s better than some published writing technically, the fact that they say it about classics or stuff they’re supposed to study in school shows that they have no idea of the basic difference in between the two media... or they read YA that gets hailed as the Next Best Thing In Literature when at most it’s a good YA and at worst it’s mediocre stuff that looks revolutionary because they haven’t read the fifteen other things that YA has taken inspiration from. at most they read harry potter when they were kids and never moved on from it, as showed by the fact that it’s 2019 and I still have to see people arguing about sn/ape being BAD OR GOOD when he’s the standard gray archetype, and if you can only think of sn/ape when you think about a gray character and you still haven’t made sense of his moralities or lack thereof, then you haven’t read anything else; (never mind that once I read writing advice like SORT YOUR CHARACTERS INTO HOGWARTS HOUSES LIKE FFS SOME OF US HAVEN’T READ HP THAT’S NOT A UNIVERSAL ADVICE FOR CREATING A CHARACTER’S BACKGROUND)

as people on tumblr don’t read, their understanding of how you write or anything else related to the craft is pretty much useless - like, the only thing each single writing manual agrees on is that if you want to be a writer you have to read a lot, because how are you going to deconstruct tropes (to say one) if you don’t know how those tropes work? or how are you going to play into them if you don’t know how they work regardless? I can’t write a tolkien deconstruction if I haven’t read all of tolkien’s writings back to back ten times at least, I can’t write a good novel about vietnam veterans in the early eighties if I don’t read all the history books on the topic I can find and at least ten tomes about how war-related ptsd in veterans works and possibly a lot of books written by vets themselves. I can’t write a stephen king deconstruction if I haven’t read stephen king back to back ten times either. which shows they think original novels are like fanfic - like, I personally have researched the shit out of things for fanfic, but I wouldn’t ask anyone to do it for a thing they do for free. like, if I see badly researched italian reinassance AU fic I won’t gaf if the author just wrote it based on the anglosaxon tv shows about the borgias around because I can’t expect them to read ten books about the topic to write a thing they don’t get paid for and that just people in fandom most likely will touch, but if it’s a published author that gets paid for it I’ll expect that at least they’ll do some research if they want to write stuff somewhat realistically. people on tumblr think that writing a novel requires the same effort as fanfic, as in, not much when it comes to background work, which is ridiculous, because that’s the difference - with fanfic, unless I write a detailed AU or smth, the author already did that work for me. I just have to expand on it and trying to understand the characters. like, it’s nowhere near the same thing;

which means that people have gone with this concept that ‘you can’t write X if you’re not X’, which is honestly ridiculous and counter-productive because it shoots down any chance that you, as an author, might actually understand what people who aren’t from your background feel like. also, I personally think that if you want to do that and you want to be good at it you need to a) find a way to relate to your characters that goes beyond your differences, b) talk to people from the category you don’t belong to. now, if I had to write a 50k short romance novel about two guys falling for each other at a record shop without too much drama happening, I’d probably just write it myself, some people who are actually guys into guys, ask them to read it, tell me if I fucked it up, get them to explain me how I fucked it up and run it by them until I’m done, but admittedly I don’t need research to find out how people run a record shop. if I had to write a story set in europe but idk there’s a zombie plague and one of the protagonists is a black american tourist I’d go ask someone who is black and american and possibly from the area I decided that person is from to give me background info on how I could write this person etc. and then run it by them after I’m done. if another of the protagonists is idk polish (because there’s not many polish people in mainstream european fiction outside of polish authors), I’d find a polish person to do the same thing and run it by them etc., because I’m not a black american nor a polish person but I still want to write those characters etc. but I mean, let’s say it’s the zombie apocalypse - can I make sure people connect with both of them because they’re surrounded by zombies and as all human beings in existence they don’t want to die? most likely I can. meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot of things about both categories because I talked to people belonging to them;

or, let’s say I want to write some story with a large cast where I decide that for the purposes of it straight character falls for a trans character and it ends well because fuck that I want people to be happy. I’m not trans, but I do know people who are. I’ll definitely talk to them running stuff and ask if thing X is offensive or not etc. because of course I’m not so I can’t know for sure, maybe I’ll stick with the straight POV or maybe not but I’ll definitely run it by them to make sure the thing is actually well-planned/not in poor taste, and meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot about the topic that I might not have known before, which is good because it means I know more about experiences I don’t have which is, guess what, how the entire point of writing stories is. you want people to empathize and feel for characters that might be not the same as them, that’s exactly your damned job, but if you don’t do it yourself first how do you assume others will?

all these people who think you can’t write a gay character if you’re not gay are the same people who think that if you’re a straight woman you can’t write about two men being in love/fucking but you should be able to do it about f/f pairings because since you’re a woman then you have to guess how that works out of that, which shows that they have no idea of how anything works - like I argued with half of tumblr on this topic so whatever, but as a straight woman I think I have more aesthetic tastes in common with a gay man since we both want to fuck men and we both are familiar with handling that equipment, so I’d find it easier to write about that rather than about the contrary as I don’t generally find women attractive in that sense except for like two very specific people who are not a very common aesthetic in general. but like, assuming that in virtue of being a woman then you have to know how it feels to be attracted to women while you can’t possibly do 2+2 about how gay men are into each other when technically you’re into men yourself shows exactly how these people have No Idea Whatsoever of how attraction works, never mind how empathizing with someone else works, never mind of how writing things with research behind it goes;

also, assuming that if you’re X then you can’t understand Y is extremely damaging because it means you can never understand other people’s struggles and that’s......... worrying? I mean, it’s an incredibly dangerous (and calvinist) position to say that if someone is X and so doesn’t know how it feels to have a specific kind of issue then they can’t get it not even intellectually. idk, I’m straight so I can’t possibly understand or relate to why would lgbt+ people want to marry and adopt kids/have their children recognized/have the same rights as I do? are we serious? so if idk I wanted to try and change some bigot’s mind about it when I see that they’re just parroting bullshit and they haven’t thought about it I shouldn’t even try because they’re a bigot and they’ll never understand or change their mind? so people who used to be bigots, then found out their kids or their kids’s friends were lgbt+, listened to them, realized they were bigots and are now allies/supporters couldn’t have done that because at some point they used to be bigots? how the hell do you want people to change or to be an activist or change the world if you don’t believe that people can change themselves or worse that you don’t believe that people coming from any background can’t understand people coming from another background? that’s not how it works. I mean guys ffs I read a bunch of nonfiction lately about endemic poverty in the center of the US out of personal interest and I’m as far from the US and any of those situations as it goes (I’m not a veteran, I never was not taught to read and write even if I finished high school, I never lost 90% of what I had after getting sick, I never needed to hop on a train illegally to go places, I never had to sell my own plasma to buy lunch, I never needed to live in a tent when I was going to middle school after my parents had to move to a totally different state and I never had to go live in a trailer after my house was sold by a bank before I couldn’t pay off my loan, I don’t have a five year old child that won’t be insured because she was born with a pre-existing medical condition), and like... I cried while reading some of them? because I could envision it and I felt like the system failed them and I hate reading about people being failed by a system that should support them, and I swear I’m not a US person who comes from that background whatsoever. I could probably write you a full novel about how immigrants in Italy have it like shit whether they’re legal or not because I worked in the field for two years and one of my oldest friends has immigrant parents and she was born here and she can’t use her ID to travel in europe only because she still doesn’t have a citizenship and she’s been waiting for years to get it. I’m not an immigrant in italy but I’ve known enough, seen enough and heard enough from them that I could most likely do it and it wouldn’t be badly researched. like, you can’t tell people to not tell stories if they want to do it with respect and not wanting to make it about themselves only. that’s bad writing. but if you care about the people you’re giving rep to then you should try imvho;

now: I suppose that you’re belonging to categories that are Not Minorities given how the ask is worded. (same as me more or less unless you consider atheists a minority but nvm that.) there’s a lot of writers around that are Not Minorities and most get published more than people who are actually minorities. people saying that you can’t write X if you’re not X and X = minority are pretty much telling you that you shouldn’t use your spotlight to give people rep when you could and you could do it reasonably well if you do your research and talk to those minorities. so they’re basically going against everyone’s interests because you could learn things and become a better person and make sure your readers empathize with your characters and more rep is always good esp. if well-done. I personally think that people should write about what they want - there’s topics I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching because idk if I could do that well and things I really wouldn’t want to write about so I most likely never will -, but that they should also go for what they want if it’s what they believe they can do. so if you feel like you want to write gay characters or whatever go for it and then find yourself a sensitivity reader or ten before you send your book around instead of worrying about what kids on tumblr who are still arguing about snape’s morality and think that writing the divine comedy is the same as self-insert fanfic think, because they will never create shit for anyone, you might. and you’ll have automatically done more than people who complain about everything but wouldn’t produce one single piece of fiction themselves and wouldn’t most likely waste ten minutes of their life researching the fiction they want to write.

tldr: if you want to write professionally, influence people and give the world good stories, don’t give a fuck about what tumblr says because it’s people who most likely will never read your books anyway unless you want to write the next YA saga that has the same six archetypes of characters in which then the only slightly problematic white cishet dude will be without further ado compared to sn/ape and everyone is going to get sorted into hogwarts houses and people will fight about that rather than giving a damn about whatever message you wanted to pass. don’t give a damn about tumblr and do your thing anon, no one deserves to have any perspective ruined because of this hellsite’s opinions on anything. ;) 

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

WARNING DRAMA AHEAD

(Which is crazy because I try to actively have a drama free lifestyle)

So, awhile back I wrote about some issues in a friend group containing A & Em. Summary: I chatted with Em about A unintentionally making me feel shitty for FINALLY accepting my limitations & making lifestyle & wardrobe changes to reflect that. Em said she'd talk to A because if I did it, A might feel attacked & get defensive.

Day before yesterday, Em dropped by to hang, help me put together a shoerack, and go to a local costume shop that does rentals and serves all the theater departments & dance companies in a 70 mile radius. This shop is amazing, been around since I was little, almost everything is hand made with amazing care and detail, and the decor in their shop is ever changing, detailed, and super fucking cool. ANYWAY, we got on the subject of A, whom I've only seen once or twice since talking to Em about it & seemed ok both times aside from getting legit pissed that I'm better at macrame plant holders than she is. Apparently A currently thinks I dislike her or like her less or something. So I asked Em if I should gently talk to her about it and see if we can reach an understanding. She said she thought it was a good idea h really, I don't like one of my friends thinking I dislike them. So yesterday I pulled together some courage and messaged her. The following is the conversation that occured:

Me: So, I've heard that you are upset and under the impression that I don't like you anymore or like you less or something. So I'm gonna clear the air, but I'm gonna be blunt and honest with you because I'm not down for lying. K? (And let me go ahead and flat out say, I don't dislike you or like you any less)

A:I've just been feeling some reservations toward me lately. Go ahead I can take blunt.

(Spoiler: she cannot take even sugarcoated gentle level blunt)

ME: So here is the deal. My illness is eternal and is only ever going to get worse. In fact, it is constantly getting worse in small, large, and sometimes interesting & unexpected ways. Sometimes it creeps on slowly, sometimes it hits like an anvil was dropped on me. Therefore I am constantly having to adjust my lifestyle, activities, wardrobe... EVERYTHING. Very recently, I realized that I have spent the last 3 years trying to live my old life and just cope so my quality of life has been SHIT. I've finally truly accepted the shithole that is my health for what it is and have started to truly make real adjustments to my lifestyle, hobbies, wardrobe, ect. Because I will never get better and live in about 400 sq ft (at best) that means when I realize something doesn't fit my abilities or needs anymore, I get rid of it. However, I always offer those things to the kids & my friends first before donating them. But here's the thing, when I offer these things to you, I get a load of questions & comments that end up making me feel like I have failed as a person for realizing what has taken me 3 years to realize. For example: when I told you that Julia's candles were my last batch ever, there were loads of 'have you tried...' and 'I'm sure you can find a way.' I know you mean well, but if I'm giving something up, I've truly tried ever avenue to make it work within my limits and it just doesn't. Even after I quit candles in May, I kept the stuff (which took up massive space) until August because I doubted myself and was reluctant to lose another hobby. But I need to face facts and be realistic. Same with the sweater. I am drastically altering my wardrobe for whatever the upcoming season is to fit the fact that I need my cane at all times now (POCKETS) and the fact that my clothes need to be comfy enough for me to get dressed every day not just days I'm leaving the house. I've lived in PJs for the last year and a half and it's not good for my mental health. So all things that don't fit that criteria or my new altered lifestyle must go. And it's going to be a constant process because I'm constantly getting worse. The jewelry making stuff, I genuinely forgot you wanted it because honestly i don't even remember what happened yesterday, so I'm sorry. (I had jewelry making supplies that I can't use anymore due to -15 hand strength, which I gave to Em.)

A: I'm sorry that I've been putting you down and making you feel shity. That's never been my intention. If I ask a ton of questions it's not because I don't understand the severity and challenges in your daily life. I ask so many questions because I often find unconventional wacky solutions to peoples problems all the time and if I can be in the slightest bit helpful in finding a loophole or a way you might not have seen, I thought that would be better than just saying "I'm so sorry to hear that" I figured you hear that enough but idk how often you hear people actually trying to find a way. Like the sweater example, I would have been happy to take you shopping for a fun print material the made you some pockets. Outside like a cool patchwork with awesome prints, or inside like a bond detective. But you were so quick to snap at me and explain your whole situation like I am not taking you seriously. I ask because I want to hear your needs and maybe just maybe be able to help out. But if all I do is make you feel like your grandma did then I'll do you a favor and stop inviting myself over to make you feel shitty. I'm glad Emma always knows just what to say.

Now at this point, I stopped replying. I was kind of shocked at her response. Like, I expected her to explain her intentions, despite me making it clear I knew her intentions were good, because that's what people do. I expected us to discuss how things should be moving forward so I don't continue to feel like a failure. I considered maybe mentioning somewhere in there that if I want help or advice or solutions, I'll fucking ask. But I did NOT expect those last couple sentences where she basically stomped her feet and said well since this isn't going how I want, I'm not playing with you guys anymore.

After careful thought, writing & editing over a 5 hr period, I sent this (which are screenshots from my notes because typing is rough, I wanted to convey what I wanted just right, and now you have to click on them to see the full thing. I'm sorry I've failed you, the reader of this normal convo turned melodrama, in such a fashion.):

She responded at like 2 am (when I was asleep) so I saw there was a response when I woke up, but given the history of her behavior in situations like this (conveyed via Em, who has known her MUCH longer) I decided not to open it just yet, as I'd like to relax and enjoy my day. This shit stresses me out. I don't do drama and tantrums. I don't tolerate it from my teenage Spawn, much less fucking adults. I get the feeling that the response is going to be just as melodramatic & tantrum filled. If this is how she handles her intentions not aligning with the result of her actions that were driven by said intentions, then she's in for a real shock when she leaves the cuddlebox of college and enters the real world. Your boss isn't going to care about how good your intentions were when you accidentally burned down the kitchen of the bakery you work in. They will just care that you burned down their fucking business.

Welp, may as well rip off the bandaid. For you, my dear reader, to have closure I will read the response. Back in a sec.

OMG IT WAS SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC THAN I EXPECTED.

A:I understand. And I told you where I stand. I am the type of friend that instinctually tries to help those she cares deeply about. I'm not the friend to just sit and feel bad when there's something I can do. But I have been feeling for a while now unwanted and you have confirmed it by not saying anything then, just talking about it to my former close friend, and then throwing it in my face that you have been holding on to a box cuz of me. And like the adult i am, I don't see why I should change the type of friend I am just because some one is ungrateful for it. I'll go help someone else leave their abusive boyfriend's in the middle of the night. for the people I care about I'd do anything, anything except sit and do nothing while I'm told how much worse I make things when I try and help. I will just take my good intentions elsewhere. I have had the worst year of my life but I don't remember you asking me once anyway. I wish you the best buy obviously your life is better without me and my negativity in it. I truly am sorry I hurt your feelings and I never ever wanted to. I cherished your friendship more than you'll ever know and you can ask anyone. But because I can't see myself sitting by biting my tongue around you and waking on eggshells because I clearly can't see the bounty between helpful conversion and being a cunt. Since I respect you so much I'll go ahead and remove that stupid cunt from your life so you won't be put down again.

HOOOLY SHIT. I'm not responding to that giant fucking dramatic pity party. She legit needs to grow the fuck up. Good god.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

If i had to pick an American Cookie that can be bought in the store today, hands down it would be this one.

Living in New Mexico for 20 years, i rarely see a black person. I can go 785 days without seeing an African American. Because i have.

So, it's shocking to go to Arkansas or even Oklahoma and see large groups of Black People and i stare. I don't forget they exist due to the internet.. But I never see them so it's like visiting Mount Rushmore or the Grand Canyon. Its this natural amazing marvel. And I just stare usually with my jaw dropped like some social retard. Which I'm not typically. And Hey -- I'm not the only New Mexican that does that shit. We simply have a serious minority of African Americans here. I understand places like Mississippi don't think they're a minority. But if i can leave my house every day and not see a African American, then you're a minority. Just as in higher areas of African American Domination, i like to call it, there isn't many Latina or Hispanic or Mexicans as there are here. In Mississippi, they're a minority and here they're all "bitch we rule this shit! We own New Mexico!"

So due to actual minority being true of African Americans (in the 90s i picked it because it was always claimed officially so I just accepted as NYC is a huge vast mix of all kinds of culture. I figured they actually went out and counted them. But i wanted to explain to those whom don't travel and don't experience life in other places in the United States.

So in the 90s the Harringtons and I and as he preferred to be called, Captain Negro, his super hero name. Captain Negro del ela Ponte if you wanted to get legal about it. Decided to pick an "American Cookie" we could easily purchase for Sunday nights. And of course it had to be absolutely perfect.

"Taste Great but Look the Part as Touched by a negros heart and soul" said Captain Negroponte as I called him or Captain Negro Party or Captain Negro Parte especially when i didn't know how to explain something.

I tell you. I've always been smart. Miss Leena always hides and plays dumb and just tells history. But to compare and contrast and make analogies i truly learned from this man whom was my English Compilation Teacher, a True Super Hero.

For the cookie experiment. I talked to Miss Leena but she wouldn't explain. She just gave me the type of cookie and told me I would know what to do.

William Harrington said, "I dont know to me a cookie is just a cookie and my wife makes them great!"

And Willingima. we called her, Harrington, at the (jokingly) threat of our own lives said she did not know either she just had to bake she had said as when quietly embroidered under the table a gift for the Captain Hero's family.

So he came over and we told him and his eyes lit up and he was bouncing around with excitement at the table. "So the cookies are.... But I sure don't know how to explain anything but the chocolate"

"Okay explain me"

I did

"And these are just regular old fashioned chocolate chip, not chocolate on chocolate dough or white chocolate chip?"

"I could ask miss leena but im sure it's the old fashioned."

"Lets call her"

She said that the Chocolate dough (black/dark brown dough) with white chocolate chips would be An African cookie -- for their culture here in America and in actually Africa.

So we were all at the phone all listening in, the phone turned all the way up. Now this is the 90s wall phone no speaker phone ability.

So Captain Negroponte told me back at the table, "so you know the old fashioned. Idk why she wouldn't explain the chocolate on chocolate because of the two different browns. But you know I'll stay out of it. I think i do know the sugar but let me just check. What did she say on the phone to you when she called?"

"Well she called just out of the blue. Asked for Sabrina and i thought she was asleep and so i said she was as she hadn't came down (stairs -- our bedrooms were up and i was just living there For the summer or however long until i had to go back to work into the city i moved out October 9, 1991 due to riots in Brooklyn because i had to go help as i spoke about this last week. Officially moved in July 4th of the same year) and she said and i quote "well just tell sabrina this, that i called and she needs to do a cookie experiment. A white old fashioned cookie of chocolate chip flavor and a sugar cookie. She should know what to do with all of your help" she sounded old and she said her husband wasn't home and she was just resting. So i said "well ill let you go" and she said no and wanted to know all about our enterprise feeding the Street neighborhood kids and asked about money and she said "well Sabrina can help" do you -- do you have money? I sure am tired of eating hot dogs myself. This is getting expensive! I mean for us"

I replied "i do have some... Ill talk to Steve to see what we should do and how much and the best way to go about this"

"No now you seem nervous and she said you have a lot"

"Billions" she said the same time I said "millions"

"And you said some.. You said what? What you got now hon?"

"You said I'm a billionaire and i wouldn't ever lie to anyone but Steve explained to me, hes my lawyer, he said that i needed not to explain how rich i am but if someone needed money I'm to say i only have one million dollars and that is it. And i said "but that is a lie!" And he said "but no it is not not when I'm not allowing you to give out more than thousands without my approval" and i was mad!!! But in the end i saw what Steve said i should see. Its dangerous to advertise how rich i am"

"Bull shit! We probably have the richest girl in the world here sitting at our table and im telling her to penny pinch! Babe! We're having steaks next week! Put that on the list!"

"I'll pay you guys all back!"

"No!" "No!" "No!"

"No. Yes i mean i know you all did it from the goodness of your hearts but you shouldn't suffer. And i didn't realize that you were. I mean i thought you just wanted to eat hot dogs. I didn't know there was any difference"

"Blah!"

"So what I'll do. Because Steve said I'm allowed up to thousands and you're still in hundreds last i checked. $991 for the last three weeks for the entire house budget. So I'll at least double that and give Captain Nero the same. For the time y'all have spent working and then what i meant i would have to talk to Steve is that I would have to design a plan for the future. What he's talked about is supplying a credit card with a limit capable of exceeding the design purchases. So like if you need $900,000 a month then the credit card would allow $1 million. That's what hes explained to me. Then he would supply 12 blank checks for the year then all you would do is call the number on the back of the card once monthly to find out the balance and get the address, write the check and then mail it to the credit card company. Easy as that. He would get the bills to look over to see you're not scamming me. Then he can stop payment on the rest of the checks if you are and cancel the card. That goes for everyone. So for this i think that is what he would pick. It sounds simple. Of course, I don't pay bills or anything like that. Steve always handles it for me. But I'll still have to talk to Steve to get that program under way. And I'll make sure he pays you and you and of course you for past supplies and your time"

So they agreed to the extra payment but wanted to do work free. Mrs Harrington got $15 per day for taking care of me. And still does although she doesn't take care of me anymore, her influence still lives within me and is what made me who I truly am today.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't ever asked criminals how they wanted their ending to be. I would have ripped them off the streets and tortured them one by one ripping off pieces of their body while injected with a chemical that made them highly alert and aware of what was happening. For 6 years and 600 days. Them never knowing when it would be the day to lose something they deemed important.

Instead of dungeons and torture chambers, they have a chance at luxury and happiness.

Those asking for death instead have a right to live in peace and make their amends and do as they need. The miserable are killed first to stop their pain and suffering. 72 wanted vacation before. They got that.

If it wasn't for the Harringtons and Captain Negro, never would that occurred.

They saved a wretch like me and in turn, I saved those worst than me. As Jesus would. She taught me all about the belief of Jesus and who they believed he was

Over Captain Harrington's right shoulder was a cross with me looking down or asleep. They eyes were closed. I felt it was the most accurate representation of me. It even had lumps on it's chest. And I always felt so much responsibility. She believed the Unorthodox Jewish ways with a Catholic overcoat. She was non-religious before marriage so she had a mix of views and dabble in all spirits of religion. Also, the occult.

So when her cheeks were pink and her bright blue eyes lit up, and she told me about Jesus. I always prayed to the Lord in Hevaen that I would live up to her expectations.

And often I would look at that cross and feel the thorns cutting into my forehead. "I hope we can do it. Change the world as expected" I would say.

There were times i would take it off the wall "i feel Jesus should watch some T.V., too" i didn't want to say who i was. Mrs Harrington thought i felt that crown of thorns because Jesus was telling me that i knew things and i should act. Of course I didn't really know who I was, either, at first. Mommy thought it was too much but Daddy told me and said I should keep it secret. But I could tell who or what I want. So I decided to honor mommy and not say. But incorporate Jesus since he was such a big part of Catholicism and decor in the house, daddy said that would make Jesus alive in the house and keep my secret. But allow my full powers to bloom.

And it worked.

So Captain Negroponte said that day that he kept getting questions from one particular kid as tall as me about White Supremacy and how his family taught him that all white people were bad and "only play with nigger kids" so he was certain he knew how to explain the white sugar cookie as long as i could do "the chocolate chip without fail then it would all be good and life would be perfect for this particular child"

"I can. I know just what to do. It will be perfect"

"Okay don't tell me. I dont want to hear until that day"

So he left with a bounce and his eyes glittery. His soul full of tears for this young man, looking back where he left all his hope and faith, walked down the short dark hall and into the sunlight of a cool brisk Saturday afternoon.

"Hey now i might need some help. I know i need to show the white dough and then how it tans when baked. I got that talking to her on the phone"

"Well she didn't say --"

"She said Bake. And i was transformed back into her kitchen and had a white plastic bowl which i put into the oven -- it was empty and out it came a clay not crystal like ours but ceramic Brown bowl with the white inside. So i know what to say about White people tanning to make 2 races so we all have to support the black"

"You you get!! So not all white people are the same!!! Good good!!"

"Shew! Thank you! So I was at the kitchen in the sink.. I mean -- i said that backwards -- so anyway I'm in the kitchen and i see the silver sink and the bowl appears before my eyes and suddenly im holding it in my hands and i went to hand the phone to you as i tried to hand the bowl to her in my standing hands and she didn't sound old like she did in the phone, she sounded very young and sing song. And she said "no the children" so what we have to do is give the bowl to each of the children and let them mix it themselves. That will help white supremacy in however that means. So then the black kids all add the chocolate chips. And then when we bake. That will represent the Muslims that i used to help when in was younger and who framed me to be as i am today. But the kids don't all know that so it will represent all the darker but lighter skin than black you know like Puerto Riccans and Vietnamese and Chinese and all those sorts of people and how the African Americans have inserted their "language" into us to make the world such an amazing place. Without them we wouldn't be the cookie we are today here in 1991. Isn't that right, Jesus?"

"Oh don't look at him so harsh. What do you need me to do?"

"Bake the cookies. At the start we will mix then he will tell a story then we will do the baking. We can do two days in a row or we can help you here in the kitchen. Megan and i can take turns like we always do and so if we wanted to spread the word for two weeks since its getting so cold, we can start in the afternoon instead of dusk. And do the two different cookies the same time -- No i mean in the ssme day"

"Okay that could work. We will just let Captain Nero know and I'm sure he could come up with two great stories to pass the time. And you will pay?"

"Oh yes. Yes of course. And when I talk to Steve I'll ensure Miss Harriet Tubman is getting her cut although she always paid on her own and said she was on solid woman and could make it doing all she pleased, her husband is still working. But he's a police sergeant so I know its not for money. But she could buy her something nice with his pension."

"Pension?"

"Oh he has two. He works a lot. One thinks she's like 80 and the other 102 or 103 i think it is. So one will be cut surely i assume. She said she doesn't think she can make it to 120 without them getting onto her"

"And his paycheck?"

"Oh he donates it to science. They own their own trailer and car and BBQ"

"BBQ?"

"BBQ Grill. Of course though if i gave her money she would probably just clothes the whole entire neighborhood. I'll ask Steve if thats what she wants or that i could do. She said that was the only thing she had left in life to apply for. I guess she always knew i had money thats why she gave me the evil eye. She always provides them gloves in the winter -- except she buys them in the summer when they're cheaper and puts them in a box to save them till it gets cold again. I tell you. She is smart. So about these sugar cookies. I sure hope it works. It seems the opposite of what we set out to do. All white with beautiful crystals on top. She said to make them look so worthwhile and be as perfect as possible..."

So while the White Supremacist cookie is after all just a cookie that we used to explain to a child that was deeply courageous to learn more and actually educated his parents and they hugged me with forgiveness, myself being white.

I have explained the example. And to further educate, the Sugar Cookie in all other reality when not used for a demonstrations, is just a cookie we bake when we have no other additives.

But as Captain Negro (you may call him Captain Nero as Mrs Harrington would as she refused to "see" any color other than the colors of the rainbow") explained we should always try to find something good to add to something that is empty of extras. Be it fruit from like the Garden of Eden or be it nuts or seeds like Big Bird from Sesame Street, prefers, we should always fill our life and our cookies with as much goodness as possible. But some days, he said, some days its okay to have just a plain ole bit of sugar. As long as it's full of love and not hate.

So please do enjoy your plain white sugar cookies that are made with love. Black Panthers nor "all" white people do not encourage prejudice -- even if it's just against a cookie.

God bless us.

So we picked for our "American Cookie" the cookie below: because of the way it looks and the way it tastes. I encourage you to buy some today. As you can see the chocolate chips are hidden just as African American Heritage is hidden. And when we take a bite a beautiful explosion of chocolate erupts and elivenes our spirits.

And to top the cookie off, all of this occurs inside. Hidden away. Just like our souls are.

Thank you for listening. If these people could touch you just one percent how much they changed my life and gave me love and education and pride and so much faith in other people. Then you will be so better off

I hope you allow them to touch your souls.

Now here is the cookie you all have been waiting for:

We would laugh. And call it the "Soft Bitch" we may be going hard and fighting loud but we always have time for a tear, a hand to hold, a face to hug.

Because this is The United States of America. And she ain't all that bad. Not her citizens. Her government. Yes. But her citizens are blessed by her rich history of which she had no control over.

The American Cookie. A brown cookie, like a white person tans with perfect pieces of Black African American heart and soul baked in. Cookies of the United States of America. I always called them "American Cookies" We even had kids sit and mix up chocolate chip dough from scratch, each child getting to mix and have an ingredient added while they mixed. They all got to see the raw dough was White. Then They were baked with love by Momma Harrington and they came out tan. Like white people do in the sun. So they could see for certain how the African American were and are in the souls and minds of white people. And how without the African American pieces of love they were not complete. To prove this we made cookies without the chips and they were bland. "But What about White Supremacy? Because that was just America without us. But What about how they think?" I was asked. "I guess we could try Sugar Cookies then and see what happens. So we made beautiful sugar cookies with sugar crystals on top. Thank God our Black Panther Leader knew the words because i was at a loss.

"We all mixed and made those cookies. We saw what was in them! Sugar! We made them appeasing to the eye and different looking and more special looking than an old Chocolate Chip with those crystals. But those crystals?!? They ain't nothing. We got them in chocolate chip and that is all they put in the White Mass cookies. Then we sprinkled a little on top to make them look clean and beautiful like a real treasure. But the Treasure is Truth!!! They're missing the real thing! Sure they look beautiful especially in the sun, the crystals reflecting the lights all over but those crystals are Blinding us to the Truth!!! They are all a fraud!! But go ahead, eat them. I would too. White supremacist and all. Now let's growl!!"

Reminder Established in 1991:

Miss Leena has a different fund called ""Harriet Tubman's Self Worth Working Still Today" and she has 778 users of my funds whom also feed the people of their neighborhood and streets. They do collard greens, steak and potatoes soup daily. Saturday and Sunday add hot dogs and Sunday Morning they do their African American Heritage Stories. Of course 68% are certified Black Panthers as well but no one has to pledge to an organization to feed children with love m they just follow their hearts.

The account labeled "Black Panther Food Allocation - For the Street Kids" 962 people across the globe do this on their personal streets nightly. Feed kids collard greens, hot dogs and/or hamburgers (with cheese and iceberg lettuce, tomato, onions, relish and so on). And on Sundays tell the stories of Black American Leaders that intended to destroy prejudice and mistreatment and succeeded and the listeners all get cookies.

Of course I bought the secret Cookie to represent our Nation. The United States of America.

The United States was founded officially on July 4, 1776.

Due to this i requested our policy be to employ no more than 77% of African American and no less than 76% the remaining percent be of at least 4 different shades of white.

We start at $18 per hour as that is the adult age in the USA to represent freedom. We employ 2020 in each factory setting arena.

Then we changed the recipe, to take out the lumps. To promise a better and smoother future for all.

The Original cookie to represent the past is gone is pictured on the box as well as an elf. It is not misrepresentation of what is inside, unless you expected to find an elf as well. In no way is there any identifying words that says that is the what the cookie looks like inside. But it is the Original cookie artwork packaging as i bought it in 1991.

We have been sued over the artwork not representing the contents. Once i sued myself and won. I got good game. Y'all. Persuaded everyone to see it my way! It was a mock trial. And so it was to prepare for a real trial which did occur and we did win. We simply told the truth of our packaging and said we were not ready to reveal it. It was 2007 and we hadn't done a full reveal since 1991 and so why not leave us alone as we couldn't promise the change?!?!

We did word of mouth and some soft T.V. programming to indicate it. But never The full storey as I have today in pulic.

So again here is the Original cookie it did actually look like but did crumble more -- we kept that chocolate chip explosion. But bake them twice to have an outer coating of smoothness.

[taulun]

A guy I've been talking to said that he might have bpd just as a "heads up". He's really sweet and everything seems fine and I would like to make it work (if we do end up liking each other more than friends). Do you have any advice on how to be there for him or just things I should know to expect in the future? I'm familiar with bpd, but not from first hand experience and I'd like to be a gf who supports her significant other the best that I can. Thanks ahead of time for any words of wisdom :]

I wish you luck, guys.. First of all, bpd is an awful, awful disorder and it takes a lot of sacrifices from one person to make a relationship work. I mean, it takes effort from bpd person too, but it's more about the other side sacrificing here. Okay, so:1. Never make him feel unwanted, like, try to response to all his affections and if you don't feel like it bcs idk it's not your day, let him know that it's not his fault and show him that it's true. 2. Be affectionate, emotional, loving and understanding above all, e.g. when he keeps talking to you about bpd or he starts acting exactly how he was describing his syndromes, never be judgmental, never say sth like "I didn't sign up for this", and even if you don't say it, don't act like that, bcs that's exactly what you signed up for. 3. Tell him you love him everyday. I'm serious. People with bpd, or at least me, we're like white blank pages everyday. Another day, another page, different viewing of people surrounding us. If you tell him you love him on Sunday, he believes that it's true only during that Sunday. On Monday he doesn't know it anymore and his paranoia makes an appearance until you tell him that you love him again, and not when he asks you that and you say "yes I do" (tho ofc most of the times it's enough to make him at ease), but anyway it's always better when he doesn't have to ask for your feelings. 4. Don't lie to him, don't break promises (I mean ofc it happens bcs people are not perfect, but please try not to break them all the time/often, bcs he'll get paranoid). 5. Reassurance and conversations are the key - if his doubts make an appearance, ALWAYS try to get rid of them by telling and showing him you love him. Talk with each other about problems, don't let him think that something is wrong without explaining that it's not (or if it is wrong actually, try to explain and convince him that it's not his fault - when it is his fault, explain it in the softest way possible, e.g. once I was with a girl and one time she told me that she doesn't want to do something for now and it looked like it's because of me and she couldn't handle the situation and we were in bed then and I ended up crying all night and everytime she tried to touch me or comfort me, I was doing everything in order not to be touched by her, I was paranoid and I thought she was rejecting me). Okay so now for the things you need to be prepared for:1. People with bpd see the world in black and white. Period. You can interpret it however you want, but they just don't see the grey. And it's not something they can change. 2. They have a lot of trust issues and traumas, and get triggered very easily. They could easily be described as "a very fragile glass". 3. The littlest things can make them depressed, paranoid, scared etc, but it takes something bigger for them to be happier, e.g. you can joke about sth inconvenient and it can trigger them, but you have to spend the whole day being affectionate and loving to fix it. And next days too. 4. Fears are most of the times irrational but they come from previous experiences in relationships or traumas those relationships left on them. That doesn't mean these fears are irrelevant. 5. Mood swings happen all the time. People with bpd are like a rollercoaster ride, at 5pm they're happy, at 5:15 depressed as fuck. It's very exhausting for them to experience emotions in general, and to experience emotions that change all the time is even worse. 6. About emotions - it's like, take your emotion, for example happiness and multiply it ten times. It's like they feel every emotion ten times stronger. So when he says he loves you, he means it ten times stronger than you can imagine, when he looks happy, he's actually at the top of the world. And bcs of the intensity of emotions it's very hard to exist because mood swings happen often and emotions are fucking intense. So yeah. 7. People with bpd are convinced that everything is impossible, unreachable for them, they feel they don't deserve anything. That happens during bad days. During good days they may even feel like gods. When I said about black and white, it has an impact on them as well - they're like walking and talking paradoxes. They want to kill themselves, but they don't, they want to heal themselves by therapy, but they don't, they hate their disorder, but they love it, they hate who they are, but there are some aspects about them that they love a lot (tho it's mostly hatred, they really can't stand themselves as human beings), they can think of themselves as the worst fucking shits on the planet, but at the same time they believe they're better than other people etc. It's because bpd is a disorder of two faces, two faces at the same time. People with bpd deny themselves and it's not normal for them either, but they can't change it. 8. Borderlines in relationships are like: "I know you will leave me in the end and at some point I'll just start counting the days until it happens", but they also try to believe you will stay with them forever and never leave them and that love is the answer to everything. So, that's a warning. If you don't mean to spend the rest of your life with that guy, think about it again, because once something happens and you leave, it will be like the end of the world for him. Literally. 9. People with bpd tend to be obsessed with their significant others. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't, because he will most probably love you SO MUCH that you will become his world, life, sense of existence, everything, but he can also get jealous, possessive, scared of losing you to the point where he basically takes your freedom away and he would do it without even knowing that it's wrong. At some point you will become a goddess for him. 10. They're impulsive. In a fight they say things they would never say out loud and days after the fight they don't even remember what they said. I often compare it to being possessed, because my mouth is talking, my fingers are typing, but I can't control it. I know what I'm doing but I can't do anything to stop it. Emotions are blinding bpds ALL THE TIME. And once the fight is over, they realize what they said or did and they start to apologize, sometimes literally on their knees. 11. They say sorry a lot. Like, A LOT. They are sorry for everything. They feel like everything they do is wrong, especially when their partner looks like sth is wrong and bcs of them (I already said that). 12. They will do ANYTHING to keep you by their side, anything so you won't leave. Most of the times they do the opposite but they believe it will keep you by their side. They have very complicated minds and fragile hearts, so like I said it's a rollercoaster or it's like walking on glass - one bad move and it breaks, most of the times forever. 13. Once they feel hurt by you, it will last for a long time or even forever. When something goes wrong in a relationship with bpd, they remember it and keep reminding themselves of it all the time. They are paranoid since then and most of the times that's the first phase of a process of leaving them by their partner. Why? Because they get hard to handle and people are never that strong to live with that. It's hard, it's really hard to be with someone who has bpd, but for them it's even harder, I believe. But anyway, like I said in the beginning, I wish you guys a lot of luck and especially to you, anon - I wish you patience and strength.

[ashley-virginia]

Alright I'm gonna be "that guy" and be totally annoying, but for the unusual asks thing, answer all of them (or whatever ones you want to/have time for) bc I'm honestly genuinely curious :)

Ahhhh thank you so much! I actually love you a whole bunch, because this was so fun and I never really get to do things like this!!

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? spotify

is your room messy or clean? my room at home is messy as hell, but my dorm is pretty neat and pretty.

what color are your eyes? brown, but like a nice chocolate brown!

do you like your name? why? i guess i like it, i think it’s kinda adorable when people mess up the pronunciation and add an extra syllable in the middle. so they say ash-uh-lee instead of just Ashley.

what is your relationship status? s i n g l e 

describe your personality in 3 words or less calm, friendly, shy

what color hair do you have? brunette

what kind of car do you drive? color? white ‘99 solara. i named him caspar :)

where do you shop? target, forever21, kohls (if i’m feeling like dropping big bucks), lush

how would you describe your style? terrible. i have zero style whatsoever. but i guess it’s classic? trendy? what words do you even use to describe style??

favorite social media account tumblr or twitter

what size bed do you have? queen i think

any siblings? only child!

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? somewhere warm so i don’t freeze my butt off, and my skin gets super dry when it’s cold out. so like maybe florida or cali. the outer banks is pretty nice in the summer, they have great beaches

favorite snapchat filter? the butterfly crown thingy

favorite makeup brand(s) COLOURPOP, maybelline, ulta brand?, nyx, too faced…(i have a ton of favs)

how many times a week do you shower? usually 7 because i work out quite often so i don’t want to go to work or class smelling gross like some people do 

favorite tv show? gotham, the flash, supergirl, ouat

shoe size? 6 or 7

how tall are you? 5′3

sandals or sneakers? sneakers because i have ugly, wide feet

do you go to the gym? not really, i usually go on runs or use the treadmill/elliptical that i have in my house. but since there’s a gym on campus i might start going, but it’s also out of the way so idk

describe your dream date cute lunch or dinner at a cute cafe. i’m sipping some hot chocolate and munching on a soft pretzel or muffin. and my date, whoever he or she is, is munching on their snack, telling me about a book their reading or something that makes them happy. maybe afterwards we’ll go on a walk and find a quite place to read

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? maybe like $30? about to be like 10 after i get my lab notebook

what color socks are you wearing? maroon and white

how many pillows do you sleep with? at home: two regular pillows, a body pillow, two pillow pets. at school, one pillow, three decorative pillows.

do you have a job? what do you do? i work part time at an agriculture company, currently at school though, so i work during breaks. but i help with harvest and such, i don’t really know how to explain it without going into major details

how many friends do you have? not a lot. it’s kinda embarrassing to put a number to it 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? give my phone to two of my friends while they prank called some guy that had called one of them while he was very drunk (the dude not my friend). it turns out he was in a very high position in our state, and we all got in a shit ton of trouble :/

whats your favorite candle scent? classic vanilla i suppose. or anything fall themed

3 favorite boy names noah, adam, jonathan (and any variation of it)

3 favorite girl names carrie, zoe, dorothy 

favorite actor? river phoenix or cameron monaghan. i could go on and on about why i picked them

favorite actress? i don’t really have one, but i like emma watson and elizabeth taylor

who is your celebrity crush? probably cam or river

favorite movie? stand by be, the mummy, and et are all collectively number 1 on my list

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i’ve read 7 books in january so i guess i read a lot. and right now my favorite would probably be The Raven Boys (i’m patiently waiting on the rest of the series to arrive so i can binge read it)

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? sadly i have a very plain nickname. It’s Ash, just the first three letters of my name. but i do like it, usually on my family and few friends call me it, so it’s kinda special to me

how many times have you been to the hospital? oh yikes, proably like 15-20

top 10 favorite songs 

sexual by NEIKED

shout out to my ex by little mix 

anything that dodie calrk sings lol

all i ask by adele

make you feel by love (the glee version)

the dear evan hansen sounddtrack (it hasn’t been released yet but you know i’m gonna love it)

human by darren criss

driftwood by cody simpson (basically the whole album, free, is a bop)

last night on earth by green day

girls like girls by hayley kiyoko

do you take any medications daily? yep, nothing serious just stuff to keep me healthy

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) usually oily, but during very cold days, it can get very very dry

what is your biggest fear? probably being alone in life.

how many kids do you want? maybe 2 or 3

whats your go to hair style? well considering i have short hair, i just shower and let it dry

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) i guess it’s small, but before i left for uni, i was in the process of moving into a slightly bigger house, so now i guess it’s a medium sized house

who is your role model? lea michele

what was the last compliment you received? some girl in my psych class complimented my blue jacket

what was the last text you sent? “i love you” to my dad

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? 7, i saw one of my presents that had yet to be wrapped in the back of my dads truck, and then on christmas day, i opened the exact gift and it had said it was from “Santa”. i didn’t let my parents know for a couple more years.

what is your dream car? idk, i kinda like the one i have now.

opinion on smoking? it’s bad for you and your health, you shouldn’t do it

do you go to college? yep, just started my first semester on monday

what is your dream job? either a writer or an actress, i’m going to school for neither of those things

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs was always the dream, but i am starting to like more rural areas.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no, but my mom does

do you have freckles? yep, on my shoulders and face, though the latter are more prominent in the summer

do you smile for pictures? usually

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 37

have you ever peed in the woods? yep!

do you still watch cartoons? not really, but sometimes i’ll watch old pokemon episodes on netflix

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? i don’t think i’ve ever had wendy’s nuggets, but i’m sure they’re much better than McDonald’s

Favorite dipping sauce? BBQ or ketchup

what do you wear to bed? usually sweatpants and a tank top, but i’ll switch to shorts if it gets too hot

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never been in a spelling bee

what are your hobbies? singing, acting, writing, reading

can you draw? nope

do you play an instrument? ukulele and a bit of guitar

what was the last concert you saw? hunter hayes in 2014

tea or coffee? tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? starbucks

do you want to get married? yeah, i’d like to

what is your crush’s first and last initial? JC

are you going to change your last name when you get married? maybe

what color looks best on you? i’ve been told dark green and blue?

do you miss anyone right now? yeah, my dog and family

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed, i like to think that it keeps the bugs out

do you believe in ghosts? hell yeah

what is your biggest pet peeve? body odor

last person you called my dad

favorite ice cream flavor? vanilla or pistachio 

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow sprinkles

what shirt are you wearing? not wearing a shirt ;) lol i’m actually just wearing a sweatshirt

what is your phone background? my date for prom and i

are you outgoing or shy? depends, if i’m with good friends, i’m outgoing, if not, i’m usually very very shy

do you like it when people play with your hair? not really

do you like your neighbors? not really

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? morning and night

have you ever been high? nope

have you ever been drunk? nope

last thing you ate? a granola bar for lunch

favorite lyrics right now literally the entirety of Waving Through a Window. like i relate to that so much it makes me cry half the time i listen to it

summer or winter? i guess summer, but i prefer fall to all seasons

day or night? day

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign cancer

who was the last person you cried in front of? probably my dad

[xayneyierz]

I just feel so. so. so. sad but pls don't read and get triggered I'm emotional and hormones are raging

I realise we all hate bullies when we become self-aware (mercy, or not, to those who don’t) but when you realise you’ve been that way yourself one way or another when you were young or even now either consciously or unconsciously, it makes you wonder if you could have done it differently and could you have.

So I’ll start with what sparked this crazy self-reflection. Came home late had nothing to do while waiting for my hair to dry and I went to flipboard. The first thing I saw was a headline that went something like this: “Vulnerable dad tortured and made to eat his own testicle before he died”.

I mean. WTF right. This sounds like something from a fked up video game or some war crime shit.

So I read it. Not sure if it’s fake cuz after I did I couldn’t bear to read more about it and somehow I just believe that there are people who are perfectly capable of this and have the gall to plead not guilty. And it wasn’t even like that guy did anything. At least from what I read.

And then I stumbled across this article about a youtube account that posts videos of the parents pranking their kids. Just that the pranks go way beyond what those “just for laughs, gags” do. Again I only watched a sort of reaction video where the guy spliced some of the worst moments. Basically the parents would pretend one of the kids did something bad by deliberately setting them up, and then angrily confront them in like typical angry hollering and cursing parent way.

For one, any parent that curses at their child deserves hell. I don’t need to explain it.

And then the child is seen to repeatedly deny it and then burst out crying. Or in other videos they would see the older kids physically rough housing with the younger one. And according to the reaction video guy it’s mostly the same boy being targeted. Anyway i couldn’t bear to watch any more of the videos to confirm wtv. Just those scenes were enough. Apparently they’re all taken down the channel cuz they lost custody of that child and he’s now with his biological mom or sth but yknow thank heavens. But I’m sure if I search hard enough there will be reuploads and reaction videos and whatnot.

But ok and today plus yesterday I was reading koe no katachi and I watched the movie today. Basically about a boy who bullied a deaf girl and then got bullied himself when everyone else then saw him as a bully even though everyone else were just passive or even minor active bullies.

Ok so this just made me so mad and made me think so hard. To be honest with myself, and I have been for a while now, I have bullied people before. My brothers mainly. And not the kind of sibling bullying and occasional physical fights. I mean they never got out of hand especially with my parents there even though I remember this particularly bad one between my bros but my parents were always there to mediate.

The one I remember and feel guilt and regret about is when I made my brother play with my friends and I when we were in after school care and I would have him chase us and we would pretend he had mad cow disease cuz he was known to have a bad temper then.

It was fun then. I felt like we were playing together. I didn’t think anything was wrong. Then he didn’t want to do it anymore. I can’t remember what happened but when I thought about this incident a decade later I realised what it was and how he might have felt. But then I simply did not feel that way. Waa it ignorance? Was it plain neglect? Or was it that I was not taught to feel for others? Or think about other people’s feelings? Or maybe not taught, but I simply did not have the empathy in me. I don’t know.

But one thing my parents did that I hope I won’t if I ever do procreate was cane me for supposed lack of responsibility over my brothers. Things they thought I should do, roles they thought I should assume because I was the oldest. Things my brothers did I was accountable for because I should have stopped them. I should have known better.

Well I didn’t. And I didn’t want that responsibility. I didn’t ask to be born first.

I actually think this is a reason I shy from responsibilities and leadership roles.

Even if my teachers think I’m responsible ha.ha.

Then in primary school I said stuff that were rather mean to two guys. I didn’t think before I talked and they sounded fine in my head but when it came out it was just all wrong. For one guy I just didn’t read the situation well and blabbed something insensitive. The other guy I was trying to say something encouraging and seem like I looked up to him but when it came out it just became mean and demeaning. My friends who were with me immediately told me that it was bad when we were out the classroom and when I looked back I realised how bad it sounded and how far off it was from what I meant. But who cares what I meant if I don’t bring it across. I thought about apologising and explaining myself but I never got the guts to so I still feel the guilt now and if the guy remembers he’ll think I’m a stuck up bitch for the rest of his life.

What I’m trying to say is, every time I read news or watch videos of bullying I always wish hell upon the bully. Especially when they’re just so exceptionally mean. But when I take a step back, like koe no katachi, what if the kid really has no idea? Taking a look at myself, I don’t consider myself a bully but I did actually bully people. My parents aren’t bad parents. I didn’t intend it. But I did bully people. And sometimes all we see is the terrible terrible consequence of bullying. And for some reason kids can be really really mean and unforgiving. We blame society, we blame their parents, we wish hell on them but what if they truly had no idea? No one told them? No one taught them?

Of course for kids who deliberately bully and know it’s wrong and shit really should go to hell especially if they never learn.

But koe no katachi is really special in the sense that we see that this boy really had no idea? In his childish mind he just saw things in black and white. It didn’t dawn on him till he became bullied. Until empathy was forced on him.

I’m not trying to sugarcoat the problem of bullying though, I’m just trying to see this from every possible side. Especially since I personally relate to this. All the episodes I recalled are my cringe moments. Moments I regret, I wish I could change. But if I were honest, I don’t think I could. Because when I was young we all knew bullying was bad. But the actual definition was iffy and you may think it’s ok but others may not. You may be able to take it but some other person may not.

I had a friend who would call me by my surname and I started calling her by hers after a while as payback but for some reason I added a “stupid” in front of it.

I thought it was ok cuz I didn’t mean it in its literal sense and I thought I was being affectionate. Until mutual friends told me it wasn’t very nice and I stopped.

I don’t think I was a very nice person. I probably am not one now. But I’ll only have my verdict once I gain more insight in the future and future me can analyse my current self like current self does with my past self.

We always have moments we want to change. If I had known - but I didn’t. If I could have phrased myself better - but my brain just chose to fart that day.

I’m just so angry cuz of this ignorance. The pain it causes people. And the pain it causes me now, knowing I caused pain in others.

Maybe the parents of those kids really thought they were just harmless pranks. Maybe they believe that it’s part of childhood to be deliberately induced to tears on a regular basis for laughs. Or be wrestled to tears and tell your parents you hate them for making you feel like this for a joke.

Ok sorry I really can’t sympathise with the parents I’m just so angry. The worst thing is that they probably get their positive reinforcement from the comments of people worldwide whom I hope never have children.

People just suck don’t they?

Contemplation about mankind just makes me so angry and sad I should have never started.

Any sane person who saw those clips of the boy crying would think it’s wrong. They tell him to take a joke. That he’s the only one in the household who can’t take a joke. Well if my parents screamed at me daily for something I never did until I cried or made my siblings beat me up for cheap laughs on youtube and then tell me while looking into my tearful eyes that it’s just a prank, I would never trust them again. And then some.

Call me sensitive or a prude or someone who can’t take a joke but even the Halloween prank where parents pretend or even actually finish their child’s candy and wait to see their child cry is just terrible imo.

Why would you want to see your kid cry?

Why would you want your kid to doubt your words?

Especially at that age when they think you’re absolute. That you’re the perfect being. Well of course you aren’t but why are you deliberately trying to show them that lying for the sake of laughs is ok. Especially at the age where they think that their candy, something that they can call their own, is probably their entire world. Even if you think they’re replaceable and cheap. I mean I know how it feels because I’ve been through that. When I look back I realise how insignificant it is. How replaceable candy is or anything else is. That it’s nothing to cry over. But then it meant the world. The kids might not remember it. But what if they do. What if they take away a lesson that you didn’t mean to teach. Maybe they’ll do it in school next time. Take away their classmates’ lunch because their parents did so and said it was a prank.

Ok slippery slope maybe but is it really?

Idk where this post is going anymore but I was just so overwhelmed. So sad. So angry.

I hate that I actually did those things. I wish I was more self-aware at an earlier age. But unlike koe no katachi I don’t have the guts to make it right. They probably don’t even remember but even if they do should i purposely bring it up and cause them more pain?

Thinking about this just brought me to justice. Is an eye for an eye really the best way to go? Every time I get overwhelmed and angry about a crime or a terrible incident a human being did to another human being, or even living thing, I would wish the same thing happened to them. Or worse.

But then a terrible thought came to me. And it just made me cry because those people have a family too. Those people have people that love them too. And if those people have truly felt remorse, punishing them will probably not ease their guilt (can you truly pay for your crimes? As if you’re buying something, can you really be free after?). The victim and their family may feel better (but will they really? Of course there’s the whole other purpose of preventing further incidents if punishment makes them learn or just makes it impossible for them to do it again) But what about the ‘criminal’s’ family…what about them? What about the hurt to them? Who’s going to take responsibility? The criminal? Who’s going to make them feel better? Do they deserve it?

I just…why can’t everyone be aware. Be more aware. Why can’t I be more aware. When will I stop hurting people unintentionally. Will I do it in the future because I fail to think ahead? To think about other people in that moment in time.

This is why I need to avoid such topics.

Why am I so emotional I think my period is coming.

Nothing good is gonna come from me being sad. And there’s nothing to cure ignorance in the world even with the Internet.

Sometimes I wish I can unread things.

Undo things.

But no matter how many times I do it. I know it’ll be the same. Because the decisions I made is just how my brain works. It’s just how I am. And I can’t change who I was in the past without losing who I am. Not that anyone can change the past. What I mean is that harping on the past won’t help. Learning from it is good but just harping is useless. And all I can do is live with the guilt and make myself better. Maybe when I get the guts I can set things straight but why dredge up old and painful memories? It’s not like it will lessen your guilt. Live with it it’s your punishment.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t apologize for what they did wrong though I mean I shouldn’t need to keep putting disclaimers if you actually understand what I’m trying to say.

Sigh.

Why did I do this. Idk I don’t think there’s enough beauty in this world to counter the ugliness.

Like the strange concept of if there’s good there has to be evil or vice versa.

What if there are no poles? Is it really that bad?

Why should people suffer so others can enjoy happiness.

If happiness cannot exist without suffering cuz there always has to be a counterbalance then…

I’m going into communism and total dictatorship haha and we all know how that turns out.

Sigh ok time to stop rant over.