#i'm still lacking on a lot of energy oh man i haven't really talked like Properly or wtvr w any of my friends

[galene-gothic]

𝖶𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗀𝗈𝖾𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾'𝗌 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒'𝗋𝖾 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎?

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Some people look at you while thinking that you're not using your full potential. People might also think that you're kind of lazy. There are two groups of people here, one group of you is really confident and people think it's overconfidence and the other group seems kinda under confident. I'm getting that for the majority of you, you might come off so confident that others feel insecure around you. Some people think that you're kind of cunning and witty too, people tend to be like "are they lying?" You might be one of those people who are so nice that you give off 'mean girls' energy. People think that you're mature and compassionate. You come off calm, caring and friendly, that's what your energy is like atleast. Especially if people haven't spoken to you yet. Sometimes you say things that make people pause and stare at you while wondering how and when you got so wise. People find it easy to be themselves around you. You might have men around you who seem to be devoted to you or atleast good emotional support. Jealous people especially might look at you while trying to figure out what's so special about you that you always manage to have such men be there for you. You guys are likely the people who don't tell anyone when a man is treating you bad. People try to humble you quite a lot too and I think it's because if you're still in school, people are likely jealous of you. Why? you may ask but you know the answer already.

It's because of the male attention you receive and even if you still aren't in school, people still don't grow up. If you're a man, people think that you're very loving and kind. It's funny how this pile is going to have different impressions for the two different sexes, men/boys who picked this pile have a good reputation while the women/girls who picked this pile are villainized. You're very observant, the type to compliment people on little things. You tend to say things like "your eyeshadow looks really good on you", "your voice is really sweet", "where did you get your bag? it's so cute", etc. People think that you must've atleast a few strong relationships in your life because of how you are. You are well-liked even if some insecure people will hate on you. You're responsible with your actions, some people take things really personally but you've learnt how to not do that anymore, "I'm sorry for saying that yesterday, it must've been hurtful." People think that you have strong morals. You are likely the kind of people who don't like talking about bad things that people have undergone behind their back or talk shit about someone who has not done anything to you. People look at you while thinking that you're really playful, you might be so childlike at times that people cannot even deny your requests. People feel safe and happy around you. People think that you accept their differences and find it easy to accept your differences too because of the same reason.

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

People look at you while thinking that you lack direction and goals in life. They think that you lack self esteem but oddly you seem to be a thrill chaser. People look at you while thinking that you're kind of really ungrounded but since most people in our generation especially are the same, it doesn't bother them much. People also think that you enjoy relationships only at the beginning or you only like the crust part when everything is fun. For some of you, you might be trying your best to grow but it might not be working which leaves you frustrated so you might end up expressing it at times by being really hard on yourself and people look at you while thinking "oh, so they're aware of what's going on." Much like the last pile, you might also come off overconfident. You seem untameable and people look at you while wondering how you can lack self-control and discipline so bad but still manage to get things done. Some of you might be cheaters or atleast people think so. You tend to waste your energy and resources on the wrong things and people. You might be going through a rough patch but well, honestly, if you're actually acting like this, you should accept it and try to understand that true happiness will come when your actions and words match your desires and needs.

You're also seen as arrogant at times. Many people understand why you're this way though, you might've gone through a break-up or heartbreak of some sort. They still hope that you'd stop acting so selfish though. Most of you are guilty of leading people on. You're also hot-headed and when you lose your mind, you could say or do really mean things. You might behave really rash, you should really try to control your actions, words and thoughts so that you'd not regret things later. You somehow have good time management skills though. People are actually quite confused when it comes to what to think of you. You're not sure about who you are either or just in a transformational phase. Sometimes, you act really mature and try to be grounded. You're also a hardworker in certain ways. You might juggle between different things, images and also people. You're somehow still being able to stay organised and balanced despite your reckless actions and thrill chasing behaviours, people do not understand you. People do think that you're unstable and unpredictable though. This reading is not supposed to be an attack, please keep that in mind, it's supposed to help you move forward. I do think that you're trying to be and do the best that you can though, I hope you only continue to be and do better.

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Obviously, different people will look at you differently, certain people likely people you don't trust/people from the past look at you while wondering how you can be so uncaring. They think that you're very withdrawn from them and they're not welcome to come into your life. 'What do I call you?' by Taeyeon started playing. These are people who used to be really close to you but aren't anymore for whatever reason. The falling out must've been really bad. There are people from the past, likely lovers who think that you're overly emotional. You can be really moody though even if you're not overly emotional and some people from the past have seen that side of you and memorised it. People from the past are coming through very strongly here. They think that you're power hungry and individualistic, there's a chance that this person/group had people who were very similar and intolerant to people who were different from them. You might have been the type who refused to say or do certain things, hate on certain people for no reason, talk shit for no reason, etc. and they found it annoying, they thought that you were looking down on them and being hypocritical. Maybe, you had outgrown them, like maybe you had formed a bond based on talking shit about others, etc. and you were very similar at that time but once you had outgrown that and started having integrity, they thought that you were just acting like you were better than them. Not just them but everyone thinks that you have hidden secrets. Someone in your surroundings might be able to see that you have trauma and painful memories from the past.

They seem to have faith in you getting better though, they really do want the best for you. There's a chance that you don't talk much or aren't talking right now. Maybe, they were around you before but aren't anymore. Whenever they looked at you they thought that you manage to find the light even if it's just in a glimmer or they hoped that you would, likely because you taught them how to be more open to people and not use logic at all times. This person has likely seen your feelings rise, you might've cried or seemed overwhelmed and their own feelings also tend to resurface around you. I wonder if it's something romantic, they wonder if they're deluded at times. This person sees you in their dreams, you also show up in other people's dreams, not just theirs 💀. You make this person want to follow their heart though. People look at you while thinking that you're very attractive and charming. They might even be thinking "how are they even real?" You might be the kind of person, people don't believe you when you say "I'm not dating anyone" or something. People think that you always have someone who likes you or someone you like. People look at you while wondering how everything you do is so graceful, you might even walk slowly. You might have people come into your life as a 'knight in shining armour' or atleast that's what people think. People think that you must receive a lot of romantic proposals, etc. Thank you for reading, I think you're starting a new chapter in life and I hope you're able to have heartwarming experiences everywhere.

[happypotato48]

GMMTV 2024 PART 2 Unhinged Tangent Thoughts (Only The Queers Though)

Ossan’s Love Thailand รักนี้ให้ "นาย": oh here we go again for the third times. i'm still skeptical about it and Chakrit Yamnam definitely is not an ossan yet but... damnnnnn my inner slut for older men sense is tingling, i know gmmtv just gonna keep doing this boring BL idol pairs nonsense, but like can we get more older gays/age gap BLs? i haven't seen Chakrit in ages and that man still so damn fine! he and our honorary uncle earth could've been something that thai BL is currently lacking, a sloppy hotmess Daddies. but alas that will remain a dream for now.

The ​Heart Killers เขาจ้างให้ผมจีบนักฆ่า: i haven't watch the Eclipse yet and really didn't liked both Star In My Mind and Hidden Agenda and definitely never gonna watch Only Friend (seen all the sex scenes though.) i loved the chaotic energy the trailer giving and i'm always a sucker for black comedy (don't know if this show gonna be that but fingercrossed) when it done correctly. also this show better serve us so many leather bad boy looks. i may have not be completely sold on this show yet, but i'm horny for it.

สายรหัสเทวดา Perfect10 Liners: "Too Many Cooks repeated for several minutes" i'm going to be there for forcebook and juniormark but like wtf in frash glee hell is this, most of these mofos are pushing 30. let them be adults god danm it, i know that the target demographic for gmmtv is young adults and teenagers and that they really love/good at??? school settings. but come on let's our peter pans and wendies fly free. they're probably bored out of their fucking minds by now.

Us รักของเรา | GMMTV 2024 PART 2: i'm gonna be a good little homo and let's all the great wlws do all the talking for this show. i'm not keen on the sibling's lover stealing trope but hey as the great Lucille Bluth one said, good for her.

Thame - Po (เธม-โป้): HEART THAT SKIPS A BEAT: hehehe, Est is so pretty, ok i'm sold i'm easy like that. i was never into any boy bands as a teen, but there like a lot of former thai boy bands members that came out as gay in recent years so maybe i shouda had. anywhoo i probably not gonna mind the singing and dancing in this show since most of them going to be done by singers/dancers and not actors turned idols.

REVAMP THE UNDEAD STORY: i'm really not into serious vempires so this show is kinda meh for me. the goofy ones though those i'd have eat up. this one probably a pass for me.

แฟนที่ทันตแพทย์ส่วนใหญ่แนะนำ Sweet Tooth, Good Dentist: all my blorbos are here we get mark, baby ohm, poon, and หมอjim. ahhhhhhh!! i need it now. i also don't mind dentists like most people especially when they're good looking guys, those handsome doctors can put anything in my mouth😉

เพราะแฟนเก่าเปลี่ยนแปลงบ่อย The Ex-Morning: is this going to be our second coming BL? idk i never there for first one 😝this show either going to be a good meta commentary about the whole business that gone down or its head going be so up it own ass that will take several bottles of lube to get the head out to see the sunlight. we'll see.

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

Tarot readings with the lads!

Leo

You've somehow convinced him to let you do a tarot reading for him

you're still not sure how, maybe the mixture of puppy dog eyes and veiled threats combined?

anyways, you ask him what question he has

"I want to know how to be a better leader"

but that isn't *fun* so you pick a different one for him

you shuffle the cards with your intention of "What is Leo lacking that he should focus on more right now?"

you pull out the 6 of cups

Leo looks at you like "Is that good?"

you explain the card

"You see the way they're handing the cup to a child? This card is all about revisiting the past, childhood memories and innocence. It's about simple joys and pleasures also cups represents the element of water, to be free flowing and not so confined"

"And this helps me be a better leader how...?"

you smile and tell him that's not what you asked

"Leo, the cards are telling you to relax a little, spend some time with yourself and not so much worrying about the fate of the world. Be present, find that child in you who wants to do dumb, fun shit!"

he doesn't say anything but he thinks on it

"Anyway the next card was temperance so that's basically saying if you don't listen to me you're never gonna find balance...."

Raph

Yeah there was no way he was going to let you do a reading

you had to trick him into sitting down but once he saw the cards he tried to leave

you swayed him and his only request was "Just don't ask when I'm gonna die or some shit, ok?"

instead you do a reality check for him and you pull out 3 cards

The star, 4 of swords and 5 of wands reversed

"oh, baby.." you start

he's so worried

frantically asking what any of that means, so you break it down for him

"the star's message is: have faith. Hope, faith and purpose basically. You need to understand that you're doing alright, no matter how much you beat yourself up. 4 of swords is about rest and relaxation, taking a break. You work yourself too hard out on patrol, then come back here and hit the gym, then you barely sleep and do it all over again. You;re burning yourself out. Finally, 5 of wands. Reversed it talks about inner conflict, self doubt and tension. Whatever you're battling with, you need to face it and let it out"

"well shit, I didn't expect your cards to fucking call me out like that..."

you're just like "It's what they do..."

he opens up to you a little more after that and takes a bit more time for himself.

Who would have though Raph's healing journey woulod begin with a witch telling him to get his shit together?

Mikey

He's been begging you for weeks to pull some cards for him

and he wants to know everything!

like everything, even the scary stuff

you finally give in and he can barely sit still he's so pumped when you pull the cards out

you ask what energy he brings into other's lives

the lovers, page of wands and 6 of swords

"what does it mean?!"

"well, the lovers is obvious. You bring a lot of love to the people in your life. You're the heart of your brother's. That's self explanatory"

"Awh, your cards like me" he's getting cocky now

"the page of wands is about being a free spirit, inspiration, ideas and limitless potential. Basically you keep everyone entertained with your never stopping pin balls machine of a brain"

"I am the ideas man of my brothers"

you let that one slide, no need to remind him of the time his "idea" to defeat the foot clan involved gummy worms....he was thinking with his stomach.

"And the 6 of swords is about transition and change, a right of passage, release like releasing baggage. I think this one's saying you haven't met your full potential of how you can help people yet, but you are destined to help people"

"wow. Really? Damn you're good"

you take the compliment, you are good at this.

Donnie

it's not that Donnie doesn't want a reading or find it interesting

it's that he just doesn't believe you can tell him anything new...

so you pull out a few cards on his behalf anyways

just to tell him a little more about himself that he doesn't realise

10 of wands reversed, strength and 3 of swords reversed

you follow him around for like 10 minutes after explaining the cards

while he's doing the dishes you're all "so the 10 of wands reversed is about doing it all and carrying a burden that you need to release it can also be defined as stubbornness!Come on, Donnie, that's so you. When you aren't working on whatever Leo gave you in the lab you;re spotting Raph in the gym or you're indulging Mikey is one of his fantasies, you need to stop carrying your brothers wants with you and live for you!"

He's trying to get his bunsen burner to work and you talk about "strength is basically the message believe in yourself.but it's also about compassion. You have so much of that that you never give to yourself!"

finally he turns to face you "And the last card?"

"3 of swords reversed is the most important. It's about negative self talk and releasing pain and forgiving yourself. I know you think you hide it well, but I can tell you beat yourself up over every little thing. You need to stop that"

He takes a minute to think

"Ok, maybe there is something to these cards, or maybe you're just interpreting them that way because you know me. Either way...Thank you. This was helpful"

[okamiwind]

hm here's an update on how i've been doing

i went on a band trip last week that took a lot out of me emotionally, but it was fun also? sometimes life is weird like that. like maybe you had something annoying happen to you but then that annoyance leads to a bitch session that leaves you closer to someone else, maybe in a way that you wouldn't have known before. so idk. good and bad. you're just supposed to have both, i guess.

as i've been away, i haven't been writing much besides paradisium. paradisium, despite only requiring 500 words a day, sometimes feels like a real slog. i dont think i had a super clear idea of the middle of this story, so trying to figure it out is a challenge.

now that i'm thinking about it, a lot of my stories start that way? i have a very clear beginning point, a very clear end point, and the middle is like jeremy bearimy. like how do you unravel a knot that was tied in the fabric of time? you cant, of course. you just try and hack away at it with a butter knife

summer pretty much started for me last week as i don't follow the calendar dates for seasons. seasons should be entirely Vibes based. so anyway summer started last week and i can't wait for it to be over. counting down the days pretty much.

i'm not really looking forward to my birthday, but it will be pretty cool to hopefully be finished paradisium by then. lets all put our hands together in prayer.

oh yeah. i was gonna say... today i started writing iatbye again after an extended absence and tiana happened to catch me with a call in the middle of it (usually i write in blocks of 1k, so i think of .5 as my halfway point). as i was talking to her i was like man, this is a terrible time to talk to me because all my thoughts are completely absurd and strange and weird, like i told her that the horse is a metaphor and she's like yeah of course it is and then i explained the metaphor at her for 5 minutes and then the next 5 minutes i told her about my anxieties about the next two chapters for iatbye and why that's probably contributed to my lack of energy to write it

yeah chapter 12 is like, the climax of this part. the way that chapter 17 and 25 were those big emotional moments for part one, chapter 12 will be the emotional centerpiece of part two. so it's like. you know, i'm sure it will be fine, and truthfully it doesn't matter if it sucks bc im not being graded and its just for fun, whatever whatever, but at the same time, i have these Standards TM for myself that i almost certainly can't live up to. so its worrisome. you can write things a thousand different ways, and i have to try to write it the Right way. so i worry over it.

sidlink is still on the backburner. i know in some way or another what i wanna do with that fic but its just too wide open right now for me. i need to finish an iatbye chapter to like. get back into my groove. get some confidence back or something.

so idk. that's how i am now mostly. i mostly exist in a state of depressed (and i mean that in the squashed sort of depressed way, not big sad kind of depressed way) anxiety. like most of the time i can deal with it but then ill get hit with this wave that just like waterboards me lmao

[icharchivist]

I’ve been reading Pride & Prejudice, amazing book I can’t get it out of my brain, and was thinking of Tsuzuru writing a play similar to it. Who do you think would be Elizabeth and Darcy in the Winter Troupe? Cause the play would definitely go to them

I like to think either Homare or Hisoka would be Lizzy and Tasuku or Guy would be Darcy

I just realized I should probably ask if you read the book first, but oh well I’ll take a leap of faith (^^;;

oh my GODDD

I haven't read the book but i'm really familiar with the story (watched the movie ages ago and had a friend who was talking about it aaaaall the time), so from then...

Man this is tough, on one hand i would love to see Guy as Darcy because i think the lack of emotions would really work out, but Tasuku's ability to just put his foot in his mouth and make the situation a hundred time worse by accidentally insulting someone is SOOO Darcy that i really think it has to go to him. Tasuku would be a perfect Darcy.

Meanwhile for Lizzy, that's a tough one. Homare would do her justice and i feel like he'd properly put the passion into her, but i kinda really like the idea of Hisoka playing Lizzy? mostly because i still think about some scenes where Lizzy can be really rude to Darcy and i feel like Hisoka "Little Shit" Mikage would nail those scenes so perfectly.

As the extended cast in general, I could see Homare play Bingley? Between the absolute adoration for Jane and the absolute delight at seeing Darcy being roasted, i feel like Homare would put the exact needed energy into the role.

On Jane though... so i was thinking about it a lot and would have done a rather predetermined answer but. hear me out. hear me out. What about Guy.

Because Guy could play maybe a version of Jane that can be very shy at showing her feelings, which could really land home Darcy breaking Jane and Bingsley up because he feels Jane doesn't like Bingley because of how shy and reserved she is. You can have Guy giving a more stoic act in general while only getting flustered when HisoLizzy is pushing for the gossips and everything.

Then i think a few plotlines might need to be trimmed, like not specifically forcing Wickham to marry a Bennet so we can trim out those roles there, but we do need a Wickham.

And i would argue Lady Catherine de Bourgh could perhaps be an interesting character in the story. tbh i'd be inclined to say Azuma would play her fantastically...

Which lives Tsumugi to play A Bastard again (Wickham).

Ideally we'll need to keep the Bennet parents mostly like, mentioned in the back without seeing them, bc taking them into account while casting would be a core.

And my last argument is to have the other Bennet sisters to mostly appear quickly on stage as very, very minor roles just to show how big the family is, and having them especially played by the youngest kids in Mankai. Like Yuki as Lydia, Muku as Kitty, and for Mary mmmmmmmmmh. I say just to make me (and him!) happy, Juza. No come back i'm a genius i'm right come b-

So yeah this is how i would cast a Pride and Prejudice Winter play.

Lead: Hisoka as Lizzy, Tasuku as Darcy Support: Guy as Jane, Homare as Bingley Antagonists: Tsumugi as Wickham, Azuma as Lady Catherine of Bourgh Cameo: Juza as Mary, Muku as Kitty, Yuki as Lydia. And with note: keeping the Bennet parents mentioned as acting on the play offstage.

here you go ;D

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly Update #142: A Formidable Album (5/21/21)

So... how 'bout that album release week?

There's so much to cover; the release of nine new songs, the hype that's building for the World's Best Band to return to the stage, and (if we're able to come up for air) the massive speculation of what the future brings for our band.

I'm gonna get right into it, laying out my thoughts regarding this bold new album and covering all the most notable news from the week. I'll be sharing my (mostly) positive opinions about Scaled and Icy under the Read More line; I hope they're the start of a fun conversation with all of y'all who have stuck around through this last year.

Scaled and Icy Review

First, my general thoughts on the album: It's good! Really good. Do I think it's a no-skip like Vessel or a cohesive piece of art like Trench? Absolutely not! But it's also not the potential misfire that I worried that we might be getting when I first heard "Saturday" (more on that later); I think all of the songs are at least good, and some of them are downright great tracks that hold up with anything else that our band has ever released. It is also indisputably very different, but I think that generally works pretty well. Many of the songs evoke '60s rock or Britpop sounds and structures that you can tell Tyler is still trying to navigate, but I think he does a very solid job at adapting them to suit his strengths- namely his lyricism and knack for melody- rather than change to suit them. Unfortunately, this does result in a bit of square-peg-in-round-hole syndrome at times; most of the rap verses on the album feel like they're here just to fulfill an obligation to fans who would be mad if they weren't here, and most of the songs that use them are the weakest ones in the project.

"Good Day" plays a major role in getting the rest of the album to work as well as it does. Its gradual ramp-up, introducing the sound that will be used throughout the rest of the album. Its playfulness belies its message about how one can project a somewhat false optimism for oneself in the midst of tragedy: the type of dark stuff in a bright package that Tyler is so so good at. It's perhaps not an instant classic, but I am excited to see how it comes across when it's eventually used as a show-opener. 9/10

I've of course already discussed "Shy Away"; an anthemic, inimitably catchy track that I just wish had a bit more going on under the hood. Still going to be so good to hear thousands of voices scream "An 'I LOVE YOU' that isn't words!" someday. 9.5/10

"Choker" definitely took a little bit to grow on me. I think part of that was a bit of disappointment from over-inflated expectations and the environment I was in when I first heard it. With further listens, I fall more and more in love with the melody of the song... well, most of it. Like the rest of this album, the biggest weakness in the song is when Tyler tries to tick the box of having a rap verse; it just feels really out of place, unfinished, and almost amateurish, and it doesn't end the song on the note that it really should. Without it, it'd be one of my favorites on the album; with it, "Choker" is a solid 8.5/10.

Speaking of unfinished-sounding songs really hurt by their rap verse: "The Outside". There's a definite something to the vibe of the song, but that seemingly nonsensical verse is one of the two weakest parts of the entire project for me. The way the song meanders only adds to the feeling that there wasn't as much energy and attention paid to it compared to other parts of the project. It's pretty easily my least favorite track on Scaled and Icy, and the only one I might regularly skip. I've also seen plenty of people saying it's the best song on the album, so please tell me why I'm wrong! 6.5/10

"Saturday", as mentioned above, had me really nervous about this album. Like "Choker", it's grown on me a bit since I first heard it, in part because it fits better with the context of the rest of the album. However, this one really does feel undercooked lyrically and overreliant on the novelty of using a disco-inspired sound that seems to chase trends more than almost any other TØP track. The inclusion of that very sweet audio clip from Jenna boosts the song in some ways, but also adds to the disappointment in others; there are many other songs on this project that would be more worth surrendering time watching Friends. Thankfully, those come next. 7/10

"Never Take It" is fascinating. I never thought I'd hear a Rolling Stones-style song from Tyler Joseph featuring a gd guitar solo of all things, and it actually sounds pretty great. However, I also predict that this song will see some of the greatest critical scrutiny out of all the songs on the album. The lyrics seem to be Tyler's criticism of the media for playing up division in our society, but he's extremely vague when discussing which entities are spreading said division and ultimately recommends that people "educate yourself, but never too much". I'll be honest: maybe it's the fact that it sounds like something my dad would listen to, but it feels like this would get tons of play on Fox News. Since it makes specific reference to the events of last summer, it's hard not to feel like song is at least partially inspired by Tyler's brush with cancellation last year. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it, but those reservations come from the song's lack of specificity, which is an issue of songwriting more than politics. They hold me back from truly loving a song that still manages to be one of the most exciting the band has ever put out. 8.5/10

"Mulberry Street" seems like the perfect realization of the entire album's intended tone. It is so pleasant, so lush while also simply produced, full of great lyrics, metaphors, and imagery. It really brings the whole project together, even if it's missing That One Line to really move this up to the top tier of the canon. 9.5/10

"Formidable" is the best song on the album and one of two songs I would truly rank in the top tier of the band's canon. Extremely pleasant and brimming with well-crafted lines to make your heart swoon. Jenna (and Rosie) is (are) a lucky gal(s). Or is it about Josh? Who's to say? 10/10

"Bounce Man" is just plain wild. I think Tyler's smuggling someone to Mexico to escape the feds? The playfulness of it all really covers up any frustration I might have with the clarity; it makes it clear that there's not really stakes here, just vibes. 8.5/10

"No Chances" sees the album take a turn that I'm sure the Reddit Clique is going to have an absolute field day with; it and "Redecorate" both sound quite different from the rest of the album and evoke enough elements of Trench to make me think that's it's actually possible that all this 'SAI is Propaganda' stuff might actually have something to it... until I actually pick apart the lyrics, then I'm even more confused. The song has some of the best rapping on the album, though that's not saying much (the feng shui line is a groaner right out the gate) and the gentle pre-chorus is really pleasant. I still haven't made up my mind on whether the chorus is effective or just plain goofy. This one might get worse or better on repeat listens, impossible to say for now. 7.5/10

"Redecorate" rounds out the album by opening with a Clancy quote (Tyler, you bastard), firmly setting this as a coda to Trench more than the album we just listened to. The rest of the song is really storytelling, with Tyler describing a bunch of people who are struggling deeply. The idea of "redecorating" here stands for how they are faced with the option to clean and resort their own spaces and lives or leave that to their loved ones to do after they're gone. By the time it gets to the album's name drop, you begin to wonder how much of this is potential autobiographical of the last year. It's moving stuff, a callback to some of the great strengths of the band's discography. 10/10

If I average those scores all up, this project ranks below almost every album among the Pilots discography on my rating scale, very narrowly edging out Self-Titled. That's still a very solid 8.6. Scaled and Icy is a very good album on first listen. We'll see how I feel about it after having a little more time to sit with it, but I've rambled enough: let's move through the rest of the week's news.

Other News

Of course, there was a lot else going on this week! To accompany the release of "Saturday", Zane Lowe over at Apple Music dropped an interview with Tyler. As usual, Zane did a pretty solid job of getting to the heart of the craft and the creation process. However, Tyler also wound up skirting a lot of the questions to just talk more about how much he loves being a dad, which makes me happy; if the cost of getting a little less attention and mental energy devoted to the music is that little girl getting all of his attention, that's honestly preferable for me.

The album rollout is not even close to over. Later today, the concert will be streamed live. It's our first real performance that we've gotten from the band since 2019, but the previews that we've seen have completely exceeded any of my expectations, and really anything that we've seen from the band. It appears that they've transformed the entire arena (which I think is the ol' Schott at Ohio State) into a whole TØP world, with different sets laden with Easter eggs and a cast of backup dancers. If the website can hold up to the traffic (and I acknowledge that might be a big ask), this could really live up to Tyler's promise of this being the best livestreamed concert ever.

Oh, and this guy dyed his hair pink.

What a time to be a fan. Catch you all tomorrow.

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[llycaons]

cql of course but if someone's already asked this... mp100 :)

whew sorry I got to this one last floor. thank you for sending cql :) but I haven't talked about mob in a minute so let's do that one!

Favorite character: MOB MY BOY. phenomental writing. one of the characters of all time honestly

Second favorite character: ritsu :) I have grown very fond of teru as well

Least favorite character: can you believe reigen's hovering over here I just think the fanbase has ruined him with being super obnoxious about him and making the story about him rather than mob. I think he's a good character but I can't even tell if people are joking when they call him hot. but this must go to touchirou for being a piece of shit in every way

The character I’m most like: hmm mob or serizawa. more like serizawa actually I'm closer in age to him...wild how I watched/read this when I was about halfway between them in age (21?) and now im like oh thank god serizawa's also lost a lot of his life to his fear of the outside world and being different and he's still able to put himself out there and live his life even though he's not going to get back those years because it takes courage but he also has people around him supporting him

Favorite pairing: not really into any romances for mp100, especially not with mob. I do think he's bi and that ritsu and shou and teru and tome are all gay though. I would like ritsu and shou together more if they were't literally 13

Least favorite pairing: almost any of them lol. besides the obvious I just do not see mob and tome? they're friends. they're good platonic friends. also she's got crazy lesbian energies imo

Favorite moment: the first time we see his 100% that shit is breathtaking...mogami arc was really good too but despite what most of tha fanbase latched onto, it was good not for the darkness and tragedy, but for the hope and faith in people and the growth that's possible. also the entire time mob was asleep in wd arc that was amazing

Rating out of 10: 9.5/10. a nearly perfect story, but trips up on a relative lack of female characters, ONE being kind of weird and moralistic about college students, a somewhat unsatisfying conclusion to shou's arc (imo), and transmisogyny in an early arc. also I think some of the battle scenes are too drawn-out and the early claw villains in world domination arc were a bit unpleasant to read about. but overall it's this beautiful story of this young man accepting and embracing his differences and growing up and finding hope and strength and making connections to others and anyone who decides to read this and then make gore art of the kids or angsty AUs or paint reigen as some kind of savior just fucking miss the point pathetically badly can you tell I still harbor some rage from the boom of its popularity on tumblr. it's about kindness! it's a series about kindness between people!!!

anyway mp100 good, thank you!!!

[engagedtobefree]

I talked to Scott on the phone again last night, and now I'm worried. We talked for about 50 minutes and it was normal like our other phone conversations, except for a few things.

Scott told me I seemed kind of shy on Saturday, that I wasn't as talkative as I used to be. I can see what he meant; I had trouble making eye contact and I was really nervous. So I tell Scott I was just nervous and he said, "Oh, aight." I also wasn't flirty like I used to be, but only because I don't want to feed into any possible bad intentions. It's not how it was before when I felt more confidence about Scott's feelings toward me (though that certainly waxed and waned) and I was protected by being at work. Flirting now at my place could potentially lead somewhere.

Then I yawned, and I guess it sounded a little different cuz Scott asked me why I moaned. I tell him it was a yawn and then he said what sounded like, "idk, Dana." "What?" Then, to my surprise he responds with an, "Oh, Dana", making the "oh" sound moany. I instantly feel turned on. I almost respond with "are you the one moaning now?" but I stop myself and don't say anything back to him. I want to hear Scott's moans and sex noises, but I don't want to feed into this if all he is looking for is sex.

A few minutes later he mentions me in my "tight ass jeans and boots." I respond best I can, saying I do miss dressing up, and he says if he can make it over tomorrow (today, now) that maybe I could dress up for him. I tell him I can. Truthfully, most of my old jeans are too tight now since I gained weight and I haven't been able to lose anything yet. I have a pair I can probably wear though.

All of this makes me worried though. What if Scott really is just looking to have sex with me? What if that's all he wants? I can't tell because I notice things that could point to that or could point to him wanting something more. What if he doesn't only want sex and he just...can't help himself saying these things?

I'm terrified, not of Scott but of getting hurt. And if Scott were to hurt me in such a big way while I am pretty emotionally vulnerable and raw, idk how I'd handle it. I am still working on healing from past trauma with men and if another man were to hurt me right now, especially one I have my heart so invested in and am choosing to trust, idk what it would do to me.

I'm worried that I've waited all this time and hoped for a miracle just for Scott to come back only looking for one thing. This isn't what I waited for. I don't want to be called hot. Yeah, it's nice, but only sometimes; it just feels hollow hearing it over and over. I want Scott to also think I'm pretty. I want to date Scott. I've always wanted to date Scott. And while I want him in my bed, that's not how I want to start out. I know we already have an established relationship with each other, but I'd still like something more first.

Idk if I should bring it up to Scott if I see him tonight. Do I just come out and ask him what he wants and what his intentions are? I want to know, but at the same time I'm terrified of what the truth might be. What if he makes a move? That's going to be so hard for me because on one hand I'm going to really want it, and on the other hand it's not going to be how I want it. And if he makes a move, do I stop him and tell him I can't and tell him I don't want to get hurt, that I know we both are looking for different things? I can't just assume Scott only wants sex, but I need to protect myself. I'm also just at the tail end of my period, so I could always use that as an excuse, though he most likely won't care and I'd rather be honest than find an excuse.

I want to see Scott and I want him to come over, but now I'm also fearful of it. I will be away next weekend, so if I can't see him tonight I'm going to keep worrying about this for several more weeks. And that's just assuming I do get some sort of answer tonight. But how can I hide my nervousness? Normally, I can fake things fairly well when I want to, so unless someone really knows me and my energy, I could get away with faking being okay. I don't think that's gonna work with Scott though. He knows me and he can tell when something is off. It doesn't hurt to try, but I'm not confident at all that he won't be able to see right through it.

But then there's the other side of things.

I keep thinking about Scott saying, "Yeah, me too." when I said I want to consciously choose someone who I truly want to be with. Does Scott really want a relationship? How long has it been since he consciously made a decision to be with someone he wants? How long has it been since he followed his heart and went after what he wanted instead of what he thought was the right thing to do? Am I what he wants? When he stops to listen to his heart, does it tell him to make his way back to me? I have many questions about his response to me.

I also have doubts about my doubts. If Scott only wanted one thing then why would he talk on the phone with me every weekend and for long periods of time? Why compliment me in other ways and show his interest in what I have to say? Why open up to me about things when naturally he's very guarded? Why say that he missed me? Granted, that could all be a ploy to reel me in, but I don't think Scott is that deceptive, especially because he knows I'm into him so he wouldn't have to make all of these efforts. Also, why apologize for being a dick and hurting me, only to turn around and act that way and do it again? I mean, I have had men do that same thing to me on two different occasions, but I can't judge Scott by what other men have done. That wouldn't be fair. And Scott also asked me if I'm currently seeing someone or have a boyfriend. Why ask that if he just wants sex? Why should he care whether I cheat or not if I was with someone if he just wanted sex from me?

I also wonder why Scott was so surprised when he found out I haven't dated because of my feelings for him. Does he not think someone could have such strong feelings for him or that he's not worth waiting for? Does he really think I dated during the time we've known each other? Or maybe thought I did after he left?

I feel so lonely with all of these thoughts. I had my therapy session on Tuesday and I went over a few things, but since my conversation with Scott last night, more has come up. Who else can I go to? I wouldn't go to any close or casual friends with this, and if I told my best friends, I know they wouldn't be very happy that I even let Scott through my door. Even if I did ask for someone's advice, they can't tell me what the right thing to do would be. I am completely alone with this.

I hope this isn't a losing game. I want to be treated right, as it's been such a very, very long time since I have been, and even then, it didn't last forever. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Also, the sun right now is inconjunt/quincunx my natal Saturn -__- like why did this have to happen right now, on the weekend?

Also, I follow YouTube and Instagram tarot accounts and they're always super accurate for me, but I figured I'll post one just this time on here since it's so related to this. I watched this video after I wrote all of the above stuff. I usually only choose one deck with the YouTube readings, but occasionally two decks will have equal energy, which occurred this time.

Group #2 - go with the flow and blend in to catch people in off-guard moments to see who they truly are. Observe them and listen more (as a Libra, I can very much get quiet and simply observe, which I have been doing with Scott). You are too tired to be in the spotlight and need time for privacy with your love life, not telling friends or family about it. You don't want to put yourself out there and invest in someone to realize this person was with you for the wrong reasons. You are not over-sharing at this time. You value yourself and don't want to get hurt, so you're guarding your heart. You're still open, but just getting to know someone. You know how far to go and when to protect yourself. You don't want to make the same mistakes like you did in the past. You want clarity and guidance. Someone may behave in a stupid manner and may try to play you, thinking they're smarter. However there is an opportunity with a dark male, whatever that means for you. This is more about energy than physical appearance, and could just be someone with a lot of masculine energy. You are highly desirable so this man wants to be closer to you. This person wants longevity with you, not a whirlwind affair. You need to let your wall down a little bit to let them know you're into them as they may question it and get insecure. Only do this when you're sure of who they are and their intentions. They are adventurous and spontaneous, and they may try to show off how cool they are. They may get clumsy and nervous though. You might have commitment-phobia and might want to run or self-sabotage. Avoid this. Someone will be offering genuine love and interest, so do not worry. Surround yourself with love and spend quality time with others in your life where you can let your guard down.

Group #3 - an earth sign (Scott is a Capricorn) is here as a romantic connection. It's only a matter of time before you connect and sparks fly and you know you're for one another (I'd like to stay sober now to really feel out his energy and the energy of our connection). They are very promising. Do not pre-judge this person and give them a fair chance. Don't jump to conclusions. Allow them the chance to prove they're trustworthy and worthy of being a part of your life in a romantic sense. Stick to making progress with other areas of your life. Someone you know is not dependable and sincere, so don't trust in confiding with someone else about this situation. They might be jealous (I can see this being my mom, as she gets very jealous whenever I am with other people). You may feel like something is lacking in your life, maybe caused by someone else. Someone may leave your life as this new person enters. You will be happy this person leaves. Be aware of any future problems, there will be signs from the universe. Zesty energy, emotion, and passion is coming. Your guides are trying to protect you from yourself. Don't let your anger take over or you'll be sorry. Try not to be triggered by others. You're being called to take yourself on a date and spend money on yourself. Remember to practice self-love. You can only feel fulfilled in your love life if you feel fulfilled in yourself first. Others may set their own expectations for your love life. Don't seek others approval. Remind yourself we are not separate from each other. We are all energy. Don't be judgmental just as you don't want to be judged. Your love life will be full of generosity and spending time together. Your dreams can become your reality, but you need to make the effort. (I feel like maybe I need to focus on my healing more often than I am). Put yourself out there. (ugh. Scary). Someone is feeling like it's time to let go of holding on too deeply and may not think you'll ever end up together. Could be someone you friend-zoned and they will finally give up on you and see you moving on. (I've friend-zoned quite a few people, so it's possible).

So yeah, I guess July has a lot of potential, and both readings were scary-accurate for how I'm currently feeling and perceiving things. So either Scott is out to deceive me or he has really good intentions. Guess I'll find out soon.

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤��️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[fossadeileonixv]

Milan 2 Bologna 0

First extended look at Milan's shiny new toy...

And we'll get there! First, ratings...

MAIGNAN 7 I think Magic Mike should just always get a 7 and then we change that when he actually gets challenged because that's not really happening so far. Anyways, always commanding and cool as a cucumber

CALABRIA 6.5 Lately I haven't really known what to say about him. He's been fine at RB, no issues there. I mean, the fans aren't chomping at the bit to get Florenzi in there. Overall, he's been solid if unspectacular

KALULU 7.5 Nice bounce-back from the kid after what was for him a lack-luster performance vs Atalanta. Damn near had one of the plays of the year for a defender when he jumped a pass that wasn't even on his side of the pitch, stole it, started a break the other way, and then damn near scored after a lovely lofted pitch to him inside the box. Kid is a star

TOMORI 6.5 Little bit of a letdown from Tomori but nothing really bad. Seemed to be just off a hair. Ended up getting subbed off late so the only thing I'm really curious about is if he just wasn’t feeling well or was a little banged up

THEO 7 Much more active this game going forward and that's what we want to see from him. Was key in multiple buildups during possession and just seemed to be in the thick of things for most of the game

BENNACER 7 Not the MOTM performance we saw from him last match but was absolutely solid throughout. Haven't missed Kessie one bit

TONALI 6.5 After getting his first game action of the season during MD2, and while this is the same score I gave him last week, Tonali showed improvement across the board. At this rate I'm just going to write in 7 starting next week and leave it there all season

MESSIAS 6 The man of the preseason was again a nothingburger out at RW. I mean, I didn't really scream any obscenities at him during the game but the guy is just providing nada

DE KETELAERE 7.5 Wonderful debut for the kid. Poised on the ball and the pressure of his first start at the San Siro didn't appear to phase him. I'll dive into what I saw a little bit more below

LEÃO 8.5 MOTM Felt like it took awhile but Leão finally got the first of what should be many MOTM awards this season (it's only MD3, he'll be fine). I'll talk about this below as well

GIROUD 7.5 Milan's true #9 got the start and it was evident early he was going to own Bologna's 18yd area and the poor tiny goon-looking Medel all game. Oh and what a goal. I would say a striker's goal but that would sound like he poached it and that couldn't be further from the truth. Sublime blind-over-the-shoulder-first-timer into the bottom right corner/side netting

subs

ADLI 6 First action for the lengthy Frenchman this season (minus preseason) and I found him to be a little bit behind the game. The game just seemed a little too fast for him. That being said, damn near had a Zlatan-esque karate kick goal, so the talent appears to be there

POBEGA 6.5 Ok, not going to lie. I'm liking what I'm seeing from him so far. Clearly he's not a mountain of finesse but man the dude is a horse. Gotta find a way to give him a little mean-streak. Maybe get him and Tonali bunking together on road games because Tonali came into his 2nd season last year a changed man and had found a mean-streak that wasn't there during his first season at Milan. Guy has a chance to completely muscle out the opponents playmakers

SAELEMAEKERS 6.5 Better than Messias this game and showed is his ever-present energy. Even damn near snuck in a nice little dipping shot into the bottom right corner AND it was probably still the wrong play on that break. This guy, LOL

BALO-TOURE 6.5 The 6.5 might be a little bit high but it was the first time I've seen him come in and I didn't completely right-off Milan's LB impacting the game unless it was in a negative way. Let's see...AND hope he keeps it up because there are lots of games to be played

coaching

PIOLI 7 A 2-0 win and a clean sheet so gotta give him a solid score. But...but I think the approach could've been better. Again, I don't think he did poorly at figuring out the gameplan, I'm just saying the 2-0 win could've been a 4 or 5-0 win. Long season, I know. Just saying

THOUGHTS

Charles De Ketelaere

First start for the kid and he looks like he has it all. Definitely a different type of CAM than Brahim and his presence can be used in ways most other teams won't be able to mimic.

The thing that impressed me the most was his physicality. I thought at one point Bologna's Schouten was about to start crying with how muscled off the ball he was all game. It was his very dispossession that led to the first goal. But, this physicality doesn't take away from his on-the-ball skills and those were on display too...albeit with a slight caveat.

I thought he was behind the game just a little bit when he had the ball, which isn't entirely unexpected with a young kid in a new league playing against better competition. For instance, the ball to Leão was a tad bit late but perhaps more consequential to the play, was a little behind him and could've given the opponent the chance to recover if Leão spent more time trying to collect the ball. So while it didn't cost them the goal it'll be something I'll be watching moving forward just to see if it's a trend, which I hope isn't because the guy was excellent leading the break/counter: fast, centrally inclined when pushing forward, good vision. Just need to see that shot and we'll know for sure what Milan has in him. Kid definitely looking like a star-in-the-making.

Rafael Leão

Leão completely dominated but did so in a slightly different way. We've been used to seeming him just scorch whoever was thrown at him out on the left but this game he dominated very differently. This is good. This is VERY good. So far through 3 matchdays teams have been dead-set on taking him away, unsurprisingly, so like once opposing teams in baseball get enough insight on a young hitter who's been dominating and begin to exploit his weaknesses, say his inability to hit a curveball, the player needs to learn how to adapt or he gets sent back to the minors.

In the baseball analogy, the hitter must learn how to hit the curve ball or get better at making his opponent play to his strengths by working the count or changing his position in the box. Really the goal is to find a new way to succeed. Leão is learning how to beat his opponent and impact the game in ways we didn't see last season. He's been playing more centrally, and while I think we'd all like to see him much closer to the touchline, what this is probably doing...and I hope is intentional by Pioli, by which I will gladly revise my coaching ratings for him so far, is he's pulling the opponents away from where they've been tactically positioned to be to shut him down. When you do that, get the opponent out of position, mistakes happen and it's what I think happened when the opponent tried to switch play and instead found Leão - probably where the opponent wasn't expecting him to be - and that led to the beautiful lofted pass to Giroud for the second goal and killed off the match.

All of this is beautiful and fun to see. Ideally, Leão gets so good that teams will effectively have to pick-their-poison when deciding how to defend against him and it's difficult to pick right everytime throughout an entire game.

Other Things

Game Tuesday, in fact lots of games coming up. I think it's something like 7 games in the next 21 days so like this game, expect to see lots of rotation and substitution and don't jump the gun thinking every move, or non-move, has some deeper squad meaning. Pioli's job is to win and having a rotated and fresh squad is how you do that.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. What did you guys like about the game? What about the kits? I hated them far less than I thought I would and they seem very good for those more stylistically inclined. Probably a solid move, marketing wise at least.

Forza Milan

[punkscowardschampions]

Caleb & Janis

Caleb: quantos dos meus telefonemas você não vai responder? Janis: 🤔 Caleb: me diga que você está segura e eu vou parar de ligar para você, é fácil Janis: you think if I was in mild peril, I'd find the time to send you an emoji Caleb: knowing you, yeah Janis: proving once again how little you know me, father Caleb: none of this is funny or clever, do you know that? Janis: 💔 Janis: as long as it is, that was the deal was it Janis: try harder from here on out, I assure you Caleb: you are breaking your mother's heart so I wish you would Janis: 🙄 Caleb: this is what I mean Caleb: how is that a response to what I just said Janis: how's, 'even if that were true, I don't care', work for you then Caleb: it doesn't work Caleb: none of this works Janis: that's unfortunate for you Janis: probably should've listened before hitting 10 though Caleb: we aren't talking about my failings we're talking about you running away again Janis: same diff, eh padre Caleb: no Caleb: you chose to do this Caleb: & every response you've given me since then Janis: what we all choose, in the end Janis: better than what you're offering Caleb: what would you like me to do differently? Caleb: I could listen to your grandmother & send you to Brazil or you could give me an answer to a question Janis: ha, go on then Janis: why not form a panel of failed parents Janis: maybe you'll get it down for your grandkids, eh Caleb: I've made mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them Caleb: that's all I'm trying to get you to do Janis: fat lot of good that does her Janis: or any of us Janis: so no, you're alright Caleb: I did everything I could for her Caleb: & all of you Janis: well it's not good enough Janis: is it Caleb: I know that Janis: then fuck off Janis: I don't need or want your failed attempts Janis: or hers Caleb: I'm still your dad Caleb: so I can't Caleb: & I didn't when she wanted me to either Janis: yeah that pat on the back is well deserved Caleb: this anger isn't going to fuel you forever Caleb: it also can't Janis: watch me Janis: you reckon either of you is owed any forgiveness Janis: nah Janis: not from me Caleb: I'm not asking for your forgiveness Caleb: I'm asking you to stop putting yourself into unsafe situations Janis: send me Brazil then Janis: how long 'fore I'm dead in some favela Janis: 👍 class parenting, send 'em off, let them be fucked up out of sight Caleb: I'm doing my best Caleb: that's all I've ever done Janis: and what Janis: I don't owe you shit in return Janis: that's bare minimum and you fucked that up Caleb: I'm sorry Caleb: but you being right about what a bad dad I am doesn't mean you know everything or you can do as you please Caleb: the bare minimum you're meant to do is tell us where you are Janis: why, so you can do fuck all about it Janis: in a crack house be home when I need funds Caleb: because you're a child Caleb: maybe when you aren't you'll be bothered that your words have consequences Janis: never concerned you before Janis: 🤞 for you Caleb: it concerns me constantly Janis: what a drag Janis: probably shouldn't have had the kids Caleb: it's what I signed up for when I did have you all Janis: stop complaining to me then? Janis: love that new approach though Janis: guilt your kids for being born Caleb: you believe this is me complaining? Caleb: if you feel guilty because I care about you, you shouldn't Janis: I believe it annoys me all the same Janis: whatever this Janis: new failed attempt is Caleb: everything I do annoys you Caleb: you want me to hold onto that? Janis: whatever works for you Janis: I couldn't care less Caleb: the more you say it, the less power it has Janis: 💔 Janis: backatcha, man Caleb: just tell me or your ma where you are Janis: why Caleb: I've told you why Janis: no you haven't Janis: as per Janis: lots of chatting, saying fuck all Caleb: you're a child & it's the least we ask of you Janis: ha Janis: no then Caleb: so be it Caleb: I'll come looking for you then Janis: your idea of a hobby, not mine Janis: not like you're any good at it so excuse me for not trembling in my boots Caleb: that isn't the reaction I want Caleb: so it's all good with me when you don't Janis: well isn't that lovely Janis: so chill and so cool, phased by nothing Janis: amazed you could muster the energy to cry at her funeral Caleb: she was my daughter & I miss her every day Caleb: I hope being deliberately hurtful makes you feel better about things Janis: 👍 Janis: convincing Janis: so easy to miss, isn't it Janis: much easier than parenting Caleb: I did everything I could for her Caleb: I've already told you that Caleb: I'm sorry that isn't convincing you but it's the truth Janis: I'm sure you did Janis: like I said, fat lot of good it was Janis: doesn't matter how hard you tried, you failed Janis: get over it Caleb: yeah, I did fail Caleb: I'll never get over that Janis: yeah, again Janis: easy this bit Caleb: no, it isn't Janis: that's fucking tragic Janis: 😂 Caleb: You know where I am when you're ready to come home Caleb: Unless I find you before then Caleb: Please let your boyfriend know his dad has been to ours looking for him Janis: Whatever Janis: I don't plan on talking to you when I have to come back Caleb: you never plan on talking to me Caleb: talk to your mother Janis: ha, fuck off Janis: I'd sooner die Caleb: She'd love to hear you say that Janis: pass the message on if you're so inclined Caleb: I won't Janis: she'll have to stay 💔 then won't she Caleb: it appears so, yeah Caleb: that much is true of all of us Janis: awh, sad times Janis: sure there's someone 'round who don't know enough about you all yet Janis: get that last dose of sympathy Caleb: how little you think of me Caleb: I obviously should send you to spend some time with your grandmother, you'd be in good company Janis: glad you're catching on Janis: 'cept you lack the ability to send me anywhere Caleb: it isn't an illusive thread, Janis Caleb: you speak up loud & clear Caleb: I lack the ability to keep you here either, so what do I have to lose Janis: someone has to Janis: and only another kid Janis: not like that seems to bother you Janis: plenty more, oh wait, not really these days Caleb: if only you were educated on what you were speaking so loudly about Caleb: it doesn't seem to bother me because you don't wish to see that Janis: you're not the failed child prodigy, that shit ain't gonna fly Janis: but go off if you wanna bring up this families inability to communicate as if that ain't on you too 😂 Caleb: I'm here now trying to communicate with you Janis: where? Caleb: all you want to do is discuss how much of a failure I am as if it's never possible to do better Janis: and all you're doing is trying to tell me what to do Janis: too late, on both counts Janis: you're only doing that because school and Jimmys's dad are onto you Caleb: I'm doing it because I care about you & I'm worried Caleb: It hasn't been that long since the last time you left Caleb: I'm telling you to come home because it's not too late for you Caleb: nothing bad has happened Caleb: but you can't keep doing this & expecting that it won't Janis: oh so 'cos I'm not on hard drugs, I've got nothing to complain about Janis: ha Janis: A+ as usual Caleb: You can complain about anything you want, running away isn't the way to lodge it Caleb: It won't solve anything Janis: neither will you Janis: I have no interest telling you anything Janis: you've said it yourself and I knew it before you did Janis: you're useless Caleb: you don't have to tell me Caleb: there's plenty of people you can talk to Janis: no, there isn't Janis: the only person I can talk to is here Janis: so you see, I don't need you Janis: any of you Caleb: we still need you Caleb: you're still a part of this family Caleb: you always will be Caleb: you can't run from that Janis: life's unfair, ain't it Janis: give her more to cry about Caleb: life is what you make it Caleb: & we'll all be with you wherever you go Janis: sure, hippie Janis: then why'd you choose to make such a mess of yours? Caleb: I made mistakes Caleb: your dad is human, sorry you ever had to learn that, but that's the way it is Janis: I've never thought of you as anything more, don't flatter yourself Janis: 9 of 'em, right Janis: 10 if you count ma, 11 if you count getting back with her Janis: how much bad karma is that 🤔 Caleb: none of those things are what I'm counting as my mistakes Caleb: & I know what you think of me Caleb: like I said, you make yourself very clear Janis: you should try it Janis: people might respect you more Caleb: I've got enough bad karma coming my way without being hurtful for the sake of it Janis: 💔 Caleb: my heart's already broken so I won't worry about who may or may not respect me Janis: if you were worried, about anything, but respect specifically, then we wouldn't be here Caleb: if we're going to talk about possible what ifs that could have avoided us being here, I'll need to sit down & get more comfortable Janis: hardly Janis: it's simple Janis: if Edie had respected you as any kind of a father figure, she wouldn't have had to do what she did Janis: or, even easier, if Drew had of respected you as a person, he wouldn't have knocked up your missus Janis: crisis truly adverted Janis: but no Caleb: and now you don't & you're going to keep doing this Janis: this has nothing to do with you Janis: again, don't flatter yourself Caleb: if you say so Caleb: I love you Caleb: be safe Janis: are you serious Janis: you think you're remotely on my radar Caleb: apparently not Janis: you're so Janis: passive Janis: you may as well not be there Caleb: we can't both be aggressive Janis: you're incapable Caleb: no, I not Caleb: I choose not Janis: it's pathetic Janis: do you know what it's like to have a dad who you know couldn't stand up for you Caleb: I didn't have a dad so yeah Janis: better than a useless one Caleb: that's what you think Caleb: I would have preferred one who tried & was there Janis: well, this isn't about you Janis: shocking, I know Janis: if you weren't here, then she wouldn't have anything to complain about Janis: and you wouldn't get to harp on about how hard you tried as if you're fooling any of us Janis: we were there Janis: you did fuck all Caleb: you were there so you know that's not true Caleb: it's what you want to believe so you can blame me for what happened Janis: it is your fault Janis: and hers Janis: you don't get to exempt yourself 'cos he looks worse on paper Janis: you did nothing, nothing of use, you never have Caleb: it was an accident, it wasn't anyone's fault that she died Caleb: & everything can came before, what does blame even matter, it's not going to change anything or fix it Caleb: you can put it on me or your mother or Drew or Edie herself Caleb: it's not that simple & it's not going to make you feel any better Janis: oh that's nice for you Janis: who cares who's to blame Janis: she's only dead Janis: we'll all live and let live, can't change the past Janis: bullshit Janis: you're the one without a fucking clue Janis: it's not about me feeling better, it's about all of you feeling as bad as you should Janis: but you never fucking will so fuck the lot of you Caleb: nothing you've said or done can make me feel any worse Caleb: there's no worse pain than this, her death Caleb: you don't have a clue if you think otherwise Caleb: but we do all still have to live, somehow Caleb: so holding onto all of this is what's bullshit Caleb: you have to let it go, one day, you'll need to Janis: wow, great inspirational speech Janis: what parenting book did you rip that from Janis: you let go before she was gone Janis: that's facts Janis: I don't have to do jackshit you say Caleb: I never let go for a second Caleb: & I won't of you Caleb: so like I said, I love you, be safe Caleb: there's nothing more to say Janis: drop dead Caleb: one day Janis: helpful as always Caleb: I can only help you if you let me Janis: no, you can help me by dropping dead Caleb: that wouldn't help Janis: it would Caleb: how? Janis: wouldn't have to deal with you Janis: and what use are you alive Janis: we've already established you ain't Janis: mean of income, at best Caleb: there'd be someone to take my place though Caleb: you're not free simply because you're free of me Caleb: people still care Janis: know she's got history but bit low Janis: give yourself some credit Janis: she lasted this long without cheating on you Janis: again Caleb: don't talk about your ma like that Caleb: you weren't there for any of that & since you only believe what you want to for the things you witnessed Caleb: there's no room for you to speak on this Janis: say what I want Janis: especially as it's true Janis: know what they say, how you get 'em is how you'll lose 'em Caleb: I don't have to be here to listen to you Janis: ha Janis: then fuck off Janis: go on Janis: you can pretend you've been a parent Caleb: tchau 💚 Caleb: come home soon for your own sake Caleb: you should be in school Janis: tell me, how many of your children finished school? Janis: 😂 Janis: you're a fucking joke Caleb: have a good laugh & I'll see you soon Janis: no, you won't Caleb: how many times have I heard that from you? Caleb: as many as you've done this Caleb: if this is the exception, I'll believe it when it happens Janis: wow, so mature Janis: mock me for not ending up dead Janis: A++ Janis: this is why we all come to you Caleb: I'm acknowledging that you're a child with no means of supporting yourself & nowhere to go Caleb: that's what I mean when I say I know you'll be back home Caleb: everything is life or death with you Janis: love that Janis: hold that over us with the guilt of being born Janis: real old school Janis: because it is, and don't fucking challenge me, you'll be the only one to regret it Caleb: I'm holding nothing over you, you're weighing yourself down because you want to believe that's what I'm doing or saying Caleb: there's no challenge being issued either, I have no desire to see you prove anything of the sort Janis: no, what I want, is for you to fuck off Janis: you're a cunt, regardless of what I want or need Caleb: so let me go Caleb: I've said goodbye twice Janis: who's stopping you Janis: not me Janis: you're the one out here trying to best a 'child' by your own admission Janis: you self-righteous loser Caleb: you keep talking Caleb: so it is you Janis: to tell you to die Janis: it's not an invitation for conversation Janis: you are that desperate but come on Caleb: yeah it is Caleb: if you didn't want to keep this going, you'd stop Janis: no, I want you to know how much I hate you Janis: you're under the illusion you deserve sympathy Janis: and you need to know you deserve this, and everything else you've got Caleb: I knew all of that before this conversation began Janis: bye then Janis: ✌ Caleb: 💚