#i'm so tired of being so emotionally fragile that stupid things make me cry

[ana-isnt-dead]

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[i-literally-cant-with-this]

Panty Dropper

@callm3senpaii was so kind tagging me in this and I know I should have been asleep but I couldn't stop thinking about stuff to write. Will I be tired today? I probably already am. Will it be worth dragging my ass around? Most definitely.

Things they do that have me throwing my panties on the floor and my ankles in the air:

TOJI :

~ The bulge in his pants and the scar on his lips.

~ When he stands, sits, when he's hard. Especially if he wants to hug me or pull me down onto his lap. And if he looks at me and licks the scar, I'm immediately flooding my pants. I don't know what it is about scars, whether they're on chests, arms, faces, backs (omfg backssss). They're just so fucking sexy to me. I want to lick them all.

~ He'll press that mass right into me. Knowing damn well what he's doing. Same with the scar, he knows wtf is up. If he wants my attention but doesn't want to have to say that he wants it, he'll just stare at me and lick the corner of his mouth until I'm dropping down on his face.

~ It gets worse the longer we're out of the house. Having to show self-restraint and not drop to my knees and rip his low-hanging pants from his godlike hips is not #1 on my to-do list.

~ HE IS, though.

REINER :

~ Jesus Christ. The way he would hold me all the time. How he can flip-flop between being gentle one minute to shoving my back up against any hard surface that was easily accessible, rolling and grinding his hips into me.

~ How needy he can be sometimes is so hot. Like, he can't fucking live another second without burying his face in my cunt or stuffing me full of his cock. Or tongue. Let's be real, the man loves to eat.

~ He's also emotional AND emotionally stupid. He tries to express himself and sometimes he just gets so pissed off that he doesn't have the words that he'll shut down. And I wouldn't be able to sit by and watch him beat himself up about some shit that happened 10 years ago. I'd have to climb up on his lap and start rubbing my ass all over him to get his focus to shift.

~ Watching him hold a baby would make every single good egg I had left drop down, ready to create life with him. He's so fucking big and seeing him hold something so small and fragile would make me insane with lust. (As if I'm not always DTF this guy). I'd whisper in his ear to give the baby back to her (yes, it would be a baby girl, all pinked out) parents because I need him upstairs shooting his hot load into me and telling me how much he wants to fuck a baby into me and watch my body change while nurturing life (WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM. LITERALLY WHAT. TF.)

~ His sweet gestures would kill me so softly. He would bring me a wild flower that he saw somewhere while he was out. Or he'd bring me a little succulent clipping that he snagged while he was at Home Depot getting stuff to make the rack to hold our sex swing that was going to be delivered in 2 days. 1 if the mail runs a little faster than anticipated.

~ I don't know how else to articulate this other than to tell you that we'd dance like they do in Dirty Dancing (the OG movie. Not the remake shit). You know how Baby and Johnny danced with each other when they'd basically straddle each others thighs and just grind while his hands were on her ass and she was clinging to him to keep herself from falling over backwards, even though there was no way in hell that he'd ever let go of her. And how he'd turn me around and have my back to his chest while we're just like, making our hips go in circles while we're in the living room listening to songs like "Cry To Me." Fucking shoot me now, please. I can't stand another minute without this guy.

Sanemi :

~ This motherfucker. His lack of personal space with me would be irritating at first. Like, he would always come to bed with me at the same time. Sleep smooshed up next to me, even during summer months when it's too hot to lay like that unless you have 3 box fans pointing at you (and I DO) just to take the edge off of the humidity swarming around you. But eventually, when he'd stay up to do something, video games or working out, whatever, and I go to bed alone, I definitely would just lay there and miss him. So I'd call for him and he'd come peek his head in the room and ask me what I need.

~ I'd admit that I need him because I'm so goddamn used to feeling his body next to me that I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not all tangled up in him. I just toss and turn not feeling grounded in my own bed.

~ So he'll turn off all the lights because he's a responsible electricity user and do his bedtime routine then finally come in and lay with me.

~ But he's not really tired. And he will turn over to face me and starts rubbing my thigh with his left hand, sloooowwwlllyy going higher until he's got his fingers dancing over the waistband of my --- wait, I won't be wearing panties. Scratch that. He'd play with the hem of my t-shirt and inch his way between my thighs until my knees are opening up for him.

~ "You still not tired?" is all he'd have to say to me in his deep, husky nighttime voice and I'd pull him over on top of me because I can't resist his voice, even in the daytime. But there's just something about his voice at night that does me in. It's heavy with the days weight and he wants to let go of everything. And I would help him with all that shiz.

LEVI

~ There are several things that he would do that'd lead to my clothes spontaneously disappearing.

~ If I walked in on him cleaning ANYTHING my pants would combust on the spot. There is something about a man who takes tidiness seriously. And no one takes it more seriously that Levi.

~I would try to get him to wear nothing but an apron to clean stuff up in, but he'd just call me a dumbass and continue his dusting.

~ When he is getting annoyed with me and his voice gets all disciplinary and starts yelling at me a little bit to "Knock my shit off", it's only going to egg me on more.

~ I would love to push his buttons until he was beating my ass over the kitchen table, counter, dishwasher, shower, closet, cat food dish. Idfc.

~ Also when he would drive us somewhere, he'd have his hand on my thigh and subconsciously rub and squeeze it whenever he'd get pissed off at the other idiots on the road.

~ It would be the way that he'd kiss me goodbye in the morning and then he would pull away only to lean in for a deeper kiss as his hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him.

~ The way the heat from his cock would warm me wherever it pressed into me as he was trying to leave for work that day. "I'm working from home today, yes. Yes, thank you. I'll be in tomorrow," he looks at me, "Possibly."

[heavenlymadness]

I'm not being honest

Have you ever meet a guy, physically not your type, personally not even the kind of person you search as a friend, emotionally just as damage as you are and might be even worse; the kind of person you take for granted, but somehow change everything, and gives a whole spin in your life?

He keeps staring, in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, in another I like it. He keeps staring at me, and soon he tell me he loves me (my heart jumps a beat out of my chest, what just happened?) I want to say it back, but I’m not sure if I feel it too, I’m not even sure how it suppose to feel. Teach me!

I feel like i want to kiss him, but it’s not right, is not correct; (What did I just did? Omg, but I want to do it again) please kiss me back more time.

He touched me, but I don’t want to get there yet. There’s this pressure in me, Will he likes me? I’m so insecure. My pelvis screams of course, who better than him. -“I love you too”

Just did it. Feel like the adrenaline is losing effect, a little part of me is scare. Just reacted, I am so happy. I think he is really into me.

We are together, but not together. He just told he loves me more than anything. But it’s so soon, and I already see us married. But we are not together, and in a certain way I don’t feel right. I want all of him, but something change.

I was so hurt. Why he didn’t want me? What was wrong with me. With me.

I cried, I cried laughter every night. I was so broke. Nothing can’t fix me. I fell on drugs (alcohol and cigarettes) i got a tattoo, to feel strong, but I’m still weak, something happened that pull the trigger of my fragile being. And like a bottle of champagne I blow, an explosion of anger came in. Don’t even know I have anger issues. I took so many pills to sleep I feel bad about it.

I have problems.

I’m so sad, so tired of everything, so messed up, so done with everybody. I’m around people but I feel so lonely. Father, I need you, God I need you, somebody i need you. I was breathing problems and rage.

He is there, what should I do? He most not see me shattered. So I have to pretend to be happy everyday right!? Like proof that i’m better off without him look. Fake smile, secure walk. It’s really not working at all.

Wait, what’s he doing? He’s walking right at me, Jesus Christ help me! Look naturally!, dude could i possibly be more robotic? Men I totally can’t act normal at all.

(I don’t know Rick, seems false) take some time. I trust him again. How couldn’t? He has that gift. He got that beautiful melting smile. Please, do not make me want to kiss you again. Why why whyyy??? Resist the charming. Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me it was not right again. Do you know who I listen to? Yes, my libido. Stupid but amazing desire.

Here we are again. Making love as if there’s no tomorrow. It so good sometimes. But in the nights, just before I go to bed, feels so sad. What a depression I earned!

So it goes, it continued that way, trying to do always what he wanted. But what about with what I wanted?

My dream came true fellas! All my prayers were listen. He’s in love with me and now he’s only mine. Might even think he wants to marry me, have my childrens and spend the rest of his life with me. All my dreams having a future together were just starting. And I couldn’t being happier.

I want to do so many things, travel and have so many adventures together. First of all, I have to do this and do that. What? Well there’s no longer me. I suppose I can do that… And so it goes again

Me crying. This relation was consuming me. I changed so much I lost myself, I don’t even know who am I anymore. But you have to hang in there. Anything for the future. Just a couple more months baby and soon you’ll get a new goal together. Everything to make him happy. I have the savings I have to help him, He work so hard to get his things, it will hurt me if I don’t do something for that.

We left. Day one and I’m already exhausting, my mom is noticing, how he treats me, she have seen how I throw myself into the floor for him to pass on. I was finished, shot down. But there was always something, a single detail, so small but so powerful. He knows how to makes me love him, was so easy. So I say myself, come on, -you have to make it to december! Ups and down, almost there. But then in the mid time I got sick. It all got so difficult. I was over. I can’t continue. -please God take my life away. I was in pain. Chronic. But in the middle of that agony, I wanted to save us. It makes me feel better seen his face.

January and he treats me as if he hated me, He doesn’t want to know about me, Does he even care about my dreams, my hopes? I can’t deal with so much suffering. How can he be so cruel in this moment that I need him the most?

I can’t show him my affliction face, my mom can see I’m tired, and sore, but I reunited forces don’t know from where, but I’m fighting this martyrdom. He is driving me crazy and not in the good way, but I can see he’s worry. I only want everything go back to normal. So i said myself -just to April this time, you have to help him pass school.

My ache was increasing, I can’t sleep at all. I’m unhappy, first time in a year I actually admit it. She appears and he reminds me every time I don’t even reach her heels. My heart split out in pieces. But I can’t make it a big deal, He will definitely get angry.

Exactly like that. Conffess that I’m safe but i can’t have and explanation cause immediately that’s a total excuse to change his mind. And I have to understand?

It cost me, I couldn’t let it go inside me. I was in between. He just needed me to set apart. I never make him happy. It wasn’t me his true love. -but come on, you have to reach to August at least, everything it’s going to be better; you can make he loves you too. You can make he is happy to be with you.

-I’m not sure anymore. He abhor me.

It’s hurting me a lot. And of course I’m mad, really MAD. But i don’t loathe him. I just can’t. I might think I even love him more. How’s that possible? It’s insane.

I just set apart, for he to be with the one he really want. And I wonder if he is telling her the same bullshit he used to told me, that he hasn’t surpassed her yet. I’m in pain, and I know he wants me to be in pain. He hates me. But I just want him to be happy. I’m guilty for that. But I also did it for me, and maybe right now I’m lonely than ever, probably saddest than before, but I needed peace and for that I’m not going to apologize. He thought I was a masochist, It took a lot of strength to tell him to leave.

I feel a lot better now. I’m finding myself, I found hope. And even if i don’t have any money at all, and don’t have anything else to give, I’ll do it again. Give everything of me. (I’m seriously without money) Right now I’m doing something I like. I’m trying to rise by my own. Hopefully in the future could be something I love. I’m not going to go back to that life of spite I used to go when we fight. And I don’t need to be with someone else to forget him, because i like to be with me and I love to remember him. Sometimes he put a smile on my face without knowing. And whatever choices he makes, I feel proud of him and thankful for have being a part of him. I promised to be always around, don’t know how yet, but I have to keep my vow.

Anyway… besides the sorrow and everything, I’m fine.