#i'm so grateful for her existence
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Happy Birthday, Billie Eilish! (December 18th, 2001)
#billie eilish#beilishedit#billieeilishedit#musicedit#gif#*#birthday#started making this on 9 december finished on 15dec#billie literally saved this year for me🥹🥹🥹#i'm so grateful for her existence
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"If I could change one thing within the mental health system, I'd change the attitude out there. If the community were more accepting of people with mental illness, that would make the biggest difference."
THE NEWSREADER | 3.05 On the Brink
#Anna Torv#Helen Norville#The Newsreader#tvedit#dailyflicks#tvarchive#mental health#mental health awareness#mental health representation#this is so important to me#maybe i cried ugly tears#i'm so grateful helen exists#and that they gave her (and us) this beautiful storyline throughout the season#so proud of her#newsreader spoilers#newsreader season 3#gifs*#newsreader gifs*
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05/23 Ida's bday!
So I'm sharing in-game screenshots of her with you 🍃
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Ida's very timid and anxious girl, the middle child, the quiet one, the least troublemaker at her big loving family. Therefore, it's mistakenly believed that she has no problems at all
Her wand is made from cherry tree, phoenix feather, the handle is crafted gift
Ah, them...
... the persons who think all the time
Actually this one gave me idea for another little comic
Bonus screenshot bc I giggle at it
Poor Ida and Ominis thinking how to prevent another mess Sebastian does
#a very light post bc I really need to rest haha...#BUT#there're no words in the world which could express how she's important for me#she helped me so much and she doesn't even need to exist 😭#thank you everyone who's involved with her story as much as I am#thank you for all the cozy events challenges servers and arts you make#moots I'm so grateful for meeting you all#you are the best#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts legacy oc#ida ullson#hufflepuff#slytherin#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt
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!
#future felony's future existence has been confirmed!#first pick on a waitlist and she comes home april!#i love the parents' expressions#...the amount of puppy proofing i need to get started on is intense#we are like. awkwardly mid house project#and reorganizing including stuff drom the attic. rediscovered among holiday decorations#bins. everywhere. stuff sorted all over. too much chaos for a puppy to ever resist destroying#we've got pleeenty of time to prep#and ill likely be grateful for all of it!#i'm so excited!!#kimda far away for we'll probably drive straight there#get her. then stay overnight with family before going home
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#saint.txt#polls#dmc#based on that wc poll i've seen since i know some of the devil may cry fanon here can be a bit grating as well#obligatory disclaimer that i know that fandom will flanderize for jokes and it's fine for ppl to not 100% take the characters seriously#all the time.#anyway i think girlboss lady who has to wrangle dante around is annoying and so is alpha sigma male vergil#edit: [head in hands] v. how did i forget abt v#is it just bc i don't seek him out a lot unless i'm directly thinking of vergil too#sorry v. um. this is embarrassing#anyway also my issue with fanon trish is that a lot of the time she simply Does Not Exist and when she does it's just 'girlboss step on me'#shares the same issue w/ kyrie in that she has an interesting base as a character but a lot of what i like abt her exists in my head#and in the heads of like the 5 other ppl who enjoy the character as well
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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How I get to see the darkest parts of me on page in Chapter 50 of A Court of Silver Flames, and then see on page those same parts start to notice, finally, the light...it will never not take my breath away.
#this chapter this book this character are a precious gift#my gratitude that nesta archeron exists and i get to read her story can't really be quantified#it saves people to see themselves on page in stories#and to see how a character like you can work and move through the same challenges you experience#I'm just so damned grateful#and I'm a sobbing mess over it#nesta archeron#acosf#anxiety talk#getting personal#acosf reread post hofas#a court of silver flames#nessian#cassian#sarah j maas
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not to keep banging on about it but that friend was like "well I hope you at least texted her congratulations" i'll fucking destroy you tbh
#i'm very tired of the sense of entitlement to my time when they literally give 0 fucks about me#none of them ever ask how i'm doing or what i'm up to#it's like i only exist when i can be of service to them#i told them my uncle who i really loved dropped dead in his kitchen a few months ago and it was like i told them i lost my phone#they dont give af about me so why should i give af about them#whatever rant over i'm eternally grateful for my bestie who reciprocates and cares about me just as much as i care about her
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truly do find 'perfect' sweet little kids who exist to be cute and protected extremely boring to the point of aggravation but alluka DOESN'T fit that description because she's been neglected and isolated her whole life, she is soul-bonded with a horrifying (to many) and nearly omniscient being, she is endlessly sweet and loving to really only one person, and she STANDS UP TO that person when he hurts someone else she cares about!! she may not have a lot going on but her character and personality contrasts her situation so much to make it really striking. and I'm a sucker for close brother/sister relationships!! so sue me!!!
#not to harp on this again but I would argue despite having similar roles as children supporting the protags and acting as#characters whose very existence means important plot or character things regardless of their personalities#alluka IS better-written than a-yuan. there is genuine conflict there. she has her own loyalties and motivations#on a plot level she may exist to 1. solve a problem 2. separate killua from gon and 3. introduce DC magic#but it doesn't feel like she exists to simply fill a shallow shipping-adjacent role quite so blatantly#or maybe I'm biased against using kids as shipping fodder.#or reducing an entire murdered family to one kid who's only referred to as the son of two unrelated characters. and whose survival#is only of value bc it helps gets them together idk!#I also really dislike how 'good' kids are treated by the narrative.#etc. etc. anyway authority figures and her own parents and siblings hate and fear and disrespect and misunderstand alluka.#and they are wrong! fuck them! it's always felt like togashi's had the backs of the kids he writes#it's um. anti-authoritarian not rly in its themes but in its general approach I think?#hm. can't rly elaborate rn as im sleepy#but alluka's sweetness isn't grating or irritating it's a breath of fresh air in the nightmare that is her home life#and it's a precious and wonderful thing to see her so affectionate with a character we the audience love so much but who has struggled#for so long to leave his past behind and do be a normal kid#her love and her kindness isn't empty or meaningless it's the lifeblood that killua needs to#have a healthy relationship w his best friend#bc it lets him step back and have more than one important person in his life#and he sends that love right back to her!!!! killua isn't just someone starved for love he's starved TO love!#the unconditional love the rest of his familiy has long denied him....he and alluka and nanika all find it with each other#and it's the most beautiful and special thing in the entire series I think. or one of them#cor.txt
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happy new years to the person who stalked and bullied me with their 1,000 plus twitter followers while I had like 30 lol
Stillll was the best thing that ever happened to meeee NOT JOKING
THANKS FOR HELPING ME BECOME MY TRUE SELF ALMOST THREE YEARS BABY OF BEING TRUE ME
AND HAPPY NEW YEARS FOR EVERYONE ELSE LOOK AT THE PRECIOUS BABEY PRINCESS 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I AHHHHHHHH
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#personal#AND THIS WAS MY OG ACCOUNTS#Where I had more followers in the span of a few months vs now where it’s been years#it really proves the numbers aren’t everything#I’m so much happier here as I am now#And it’s so funny it’s thanks to some hater lol who’s account that I know of doesn’t exist anymore#though for all I know they’re dedicated to their cause and was one of the guest anon haters on ao3 till I turned them off#At this point I've spent more time as Qutie than Q by a long shot#I'll always be grateful for her getting me started but I love who I am now#I wouldn't be confident happy me without that asshole it's so funny how they tried to get rid of me but oopsie poopsie#They just made me stronger#It genuinely brings me so much joy to do what I love so much#CUTE KI IN DRESSES GONKI#AHHHHHH#And not have that anxiety loooming over me of wanting to fit in but not fitting in cuz I don't like kg I don't like main fandom#and praying my tag blocker saves me and I will keep silent on some things I like and believe in and#yeah I should apologize in my authors tag for writing too much of my niche of G carrying Ki and yeah#I'm so scared of antis and oh no ect ect I look back at her like whooo#Like whooo are uuu all that anxiety? Now my only anxiety is hate comments and that’s cuz of RSD BUT I WILL NEVER STOP WHAT I LOVE#I'll always be grateful for her but it's funny how in three years I went from no confidence me to someone who I AM MY NUMBER ONE FAN#DAMM I LOVE MYSELF not that that happened overnight but! Was a slow crawl but at the least! FULLY Since 2022 esp end of year! I LOVE ME DAM#And this no confidence thing it goes much further back then my blog too so anon changed my life#It's funny how just one person made me course correct and now I'm the person I am today and I love me I don't know how much time I have lef#But I'll spend it doing the things I love I still get depressed and sad from time to time and think everyone hates me but it's like RSD and#Depression it can't always be perfect but I'm so happy and confident most the time I just love what I do#Anon hate is never right I hate shit with my whole being and I've never once thought hmm let me send hate it doesn't make sense to me#And I still get harrasssed by these antis and some bad apple kg people and they don't offer me shit but a headache so I don’t want moreeee#But it's kinda funny how grateful I am towards this hater literally changed my life thank u if your out there man my lady non binary pal#So yeah I unironically sit back and thank them sometimes#IM SO HAPPY I GET TO DO WHAT I LOVE AND LOVE MY KI AND MY GONKI AND AHHHHHHHH
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i want to write many things. many many things. in all of them, i would like a minimum of two bi characters, and in one of them i want all characters to be bi.
neither is common in media, so i guess it means i have to make it myself, even if it's just for me.
#also bc i want original media blah blah blah#and by 'bi' i mean 'bisexuality/biromanticism in its many forms incl. ace/aro bi folks and split attraction bi folks'#bi#bisexual#i want content thank you#i think the first bi character i saw was rosa diaz in brooklyn 99 when i was 14. i first thought 'oh i might be a little bi' when i was 15.#i also saw brittany on glee. again when i was 14. and crazy ex-girlfriend i think i was 15.#and those are really the three main shows that actually said 'bisexual' or 'bi'.#if i had these more frequently or from an earlier age i might have Figured Some Things Out earlier#(also i didn't watch lok so that's why i'm not mentioning it)#and then toh and hsmtmts and heartstopper have existed as more recent properties#and clearly i haven't been including books eg. well. heartstopper. and an absolutely remarkable thing by hank green.#but still. the fact is that there is not a lot of bisexuality in mainstream media. (it's especially lacking for bi folks who aren't women)#i'm really grateful that rosa was the first bi character i saw#bc they explained 'she goes both ways. this isn't a phase or point of confusion for her.'#and the way her parents reacted is exactly how i imagine mine would#i got sidetracked#and even still. only one of those shows has multiple canonically bi characters.#and maybe if i had these from a younger age or more frequently i would've been able to notice 'that's not platonic/a rolemodel'#i'm really grateful that we have shows with younger target audiences showing bi characters but that said it's so few#and i'm still really thankful that hsmtmts depicts a girl who's multisexual who has a boyfriend but figures out 'oh this is attraction.#to a girl.'#and she processes that. and while it's not perfect (i made a post on it mid-september' gosh i felt seen.#also also while i'm here i don't want to write exclusively secular queer characters. i mean 1. that's not an experience i've lived#but 2. even if it were. apparently a lot of queer adults in the us identify as religious.#and it's selfish but. if i had a queer christian character that would've helped me a lot. like there are queer ways of approaching faith.#how does a christian character approach the realisation that they aren't straight?#it's a journey#and it would've helped me understand. before i knew anything about myself. that it was okay.#that sometimes the nuance is most clearly seen when you exist in it. when you are the grey area.
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because i will only have this job i'm currently training for for only a year at most (possibly a couple months longer) and because, unfortunately, it's an oddly highly gendered job (like, weirdly so; as in, traditional gender roles are very much imposed on staff and on the guests, for, like, "chivalrous" polite reasons b/c it's supposed to be a fancy restaurant) and everyone immediately assumes and calls me she/her and i don't feel comfortable correcting anyone, i'm thinking about leaning into this alter ego and flat out saying to coworkers "from here on out, any personal question you ever ask me, or any attempt at getting to know me will be met with exuberant lies with some truth to them and you may try to discern what is which and how much, good luck" for my own fun and sanity.
#it's so gendered. why. it makes me uncomfortable if i'm being honest. you must pour the wine for the ladies first and then the men. okay.#that feels very judgy of me and appearance isn't an indicator of gender but most of the guests are boomers so i don't have to worry too#much about misgendering someone. but even still. older trans ppl exist. etc etc#and we're not allowed to say 'folks' we have to say 'ladies and gentlemen'. the less higher-up trainer said we can say 'you all'#but that option wouldn't've have been given were it not for her putting a small foot down and stepping in to say that#anyway. i'm grateful for this job b/c i need money. but it sucks having to let ppl call me she/her. maybe i'll grow comfortable and end up#asking that of others. but it honestly doesn't seem like the kind of environment or ppl who understand or support that#J: text#J: life
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Spent all the new chapters missing Mephisto.
#also poor Zayne seeing him was like a safe oasis for me and he's not even my fave I was so grateful aha#personal posting#lads spoilers#I knew we wouldn't really SEE anyone because they don't really let characters coexist in this#but tbh MC should be able to vent her feelings to someone about Caleb being alive thats A LOT for her#I was waiting for MC to be like Zayne Caleb is keeping me here hes alive Im trying to save these kids#hey Zayne did you know Caleb is alive??? like??? ok#did they plan all that and MC is hiding Caleb's existence to others to protect him? then there should be a line about that lol#and also I'm so broken about those children I needed a hug so bad after those chapters#I went straight to playing kitty cards 😭
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There is horror in learning that sometimes you can't unlearn certain things. or that the process is so. so. so. damn slow. That sometimes it doesn't feel like you're forgetting it and you beat yourself up everyday for not having moved on faster
But on another note it means I can whip out stuff like this in a day after being in serious art block for months B) (character is Kit by artoada on artfight)
Yes I am very proud of this one it's a fullbody piece with composition and thin line art and somewhat of a background!!! and I'm using techniques I learned like. once. while doing a master study before.
#my art#not tagging for artfight bc im highkey lowkey losing it a little over the horrors of the human existence#some things. you forget you even know how to do. you just do it and sit with horror afterwards.#like. i don't remember knowing this. i don't remember doing this. my body is doing it perfectly. why.#like im grateful really i think it's a good evolutionary skill i'm glad i can do things after learning just once years ago#but i wish i had more control over what things to forget and delete. just lift it and put it in the recycle bin. poof.#knowing how to draw in a certain way! good! nice! helpful!#automatically offering to go help someone despite being in a shaky state? bad. not good. don't do that reflexively please.#every human ixn i have where i overextend myself reflexively. like. i was fine. it didn't cost that much. but i still. shouldn't be doing i#the way i told her i needed to go by 9. but then when we kept going. i couldn't make myself uphold that.#the way despite me almost falling. and they could have just switched their shoes to ask themselves. and i still went over to ask for them.#the altruism or people pleasing or whatever you want to call it. is baked into me. and i don't think my willingness to help is a bad thing.#but i. have a very. bad sense of self. where i am at. how am i doing. am i in a place where i am safe and secure enough to take on that.#and idk. most times. im willing to put myself in a bad spot or let ppl take advantage of me. for the sake of others.#and that's been so hard to unlearn. it's been so hard to unlearn. beating myself up nightly. because sometimes offering to help is bad.#sometimes it's just the urge to not have the other party be hurt or upset reacts faster than my brain can think the situation through.#am i still beating myself up for what happened at work? yes. Even though it's not my fault? yes.#but we move on. we move on.
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rough hands, soft chains [1] r.cameron
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[warnings] dark!grey!rancher!rafe x bimbo!cowgirl!reader, arranged marriage, rancher au, manipulation, size difference, future smut, little editing, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK 18+
A/N: This is an au I'm trying out where Kildare County is actually in Montana and all the pogues and kooks exist within a ranching community. Hope you enjoy!! I would really appreciate feedback, reblogs are most appreciated!
In which your dying father struck a deal with Ward Cameron, he promised the family land in exchange for your safety. But protection comes with a price, and that price is Rafe Cameron.
word count: 5k
rough hands, soft chains masterlist
After the funeral, you flopped down on the old leather couch in your living room, absently twirling a lock of your hair as you stared up at the cracked ceiling. Your black dress, meant for the sweltering summers, fell just below your knees. You’d paired it with a shawl you found tucked away in your mother’s dresser, a pretty, soft thing with little patterns you didn’t understand, but it smelled like her, so it felt right.
People at the funeral said you looked “so grown up” now, which filled you with a sense of pride. They said nothing about the dirt under your nails from wandering around the yard barefoot earlier that morning or the way your mascara smeared from crying too much. No one ever took you seriously anyway.
The quiet of the house was deafening, pressing in at you at all sides. The lack of his presence weighed on you. He’d built every corner of this house, your mother painted every wall, and you were grateful for the life they’d built you. Three bedrooms, a wrap-around porch where you’d once dreamed of watching your children play in the yard as you rocked in your chair, and the old, red barn that had weathered time alongside them. You knew you couldn’t lose it, but you weren’t sure how to keep it either.
A loud knock at the front door made the house shake and snapped you from your daze. It was not the knock of a kind neigbor delivering a sympathy caserole, the knock was firm and authoritative. You half expected the sheriff to be behind the door but instead found yourself staring back at Ward Cameron.
You pushed back the curls that had fallen into your face. He stood before you, tipping his finest black cattleman hat with deliberate grace, lifting it from his head and placing it over his chest in a quiet gesture of respect. His square jawline was sharp, his striking blue eyes unflinching, and though the gray streaks in his hair hinted at age, they only added to his rugged handomenss.
“Miss,” he greeted you smoothly, his voice as sharp as the crease in his shirt. He looked out of place here, too clean, too polished for the worn edges of your family’s ranch.
Your anxiety peaked, “Uh, hi. Can I help you?” You gripped the handle of the door tighter than you expected.
“I think you know why I’m here.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s time we talked about your father’s arrangements.”
Arrangements? You shifted nervously, trying to make sense of his words. You knew your dad had debts, but it wasn’t like he told you all the details. You knew that a significant amount of your father’s debt was to Ward. It humiliated your father to lease the Cameron’s grazing rights but he only did it to keep the ranch afloat. Money and paperwork were never your thing, and your dad always said not to worry about it. “I—I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. I’ll figure out how to pay you back, okay?”
Although Ward wasn’t the tallest man, most people towered over you, and as he leaned in the doorway, you knew he had your stature in mind.
Still, his smile was empty, “Why don’t we discuss this in your father’s office, hmm?”
“Um, no thanks,” you said quickly, shaking your head. But before you could shut the door, his hand pushed it open with way too much ease. You stumbled back, your cheeks heating with embarrassment as he walked in like he owned the place.
“Excuse me! You can’t just barge in here!” you squeaked, hurrying after him, his expensive boots, tapping against the creaking floor of your home.
He made his way down the downstairs hallway, barging into the room that not even your father wanted you to step in. Immediately as you stepping inside, a coldness touched you. he heavy oak desk sat like a monument to your father’s stubbornness, papers scattered across its surface in disarray. Just looking at it made your brain feel fuzzy. Ward moved behind it as if it were his own, his hands brushing against the chair’s worn leather.
“I offered to come speak to you, before all of this drama, but your father insisted I wait until he was gone,” Ward gestured to rickety chair that sat in front of the desk, “Sit.”
You ignored him, crossing your arms in stubborness, “What are you talking about?”
“Do you know how much exactly your father owes me? How much you’d be taking on?”
His words, like they had certainly intended to, made you feel stupid. Your father made sure you were uninvolved in the ranch’s finances and he had just passed this week, you hadn’t thought about entering his office and disturbing his things.
You blinked, your mouth opening and closing. “Well… um… I know he owed some money, but he didn’t really tell me how much.”
“It’s more than the farm is worth, Y/N.”
The weight of his words settled heavily between you, thickening the already suffocating air in the room. You clenched your jaw, refusing to show any sign of the panic tightening in your chest. The farm, your father’s legacy, your mother’s dreams, was supposed to be yours to save.
“That can’t be right,” you said, though your voice wavered slightly. “My father would’ve told me if it was that bad.”
“Would he? It’s nothing you should’ve worried your pretty head about,” Ward continued, his eyes sharp and assessing, “We parents try to protect our children. But he was too prideful. Pride doesn’t pay the bills and banks don’t wait forever.”
“The bank–”
“The bank would’ve taken the entire property if your father hadn’t already signed the land over to me.”
Your heart sunk into your stomach at Ward Cameron’s words. Your breath hitched as you stared at him, trying to process what he’d just said. You shook your head in disbelief, “He wouldn’t do that.”
The land was the only piece of your father that you had left. A hundred acres that your family and only a few ranch hands tended to.There were dwindling amounts of livestock, mounting debts, but it was your home. Humble in comparison to the Cameron’s thousands of acres but it belonged to your family. Even if you were the only one left.
“This all would’ve been easier for you if your father had explained all of this to you before. I think he was scared of you hating him.”
“I don’t understand.”
Ward’s expression didn’t falter. If anything, he looked almost bored with your responses, “We came to an agreement a year after his initial diagnosis. Instead of losing it to the bank, he would sign it over to me.”
“I promised to take care of you.” Ward’s words were slow, deliberate, as if he were explaining something to a child. “You’re unmarried, no prospects, and this place is a sinking ship. Someone was bound to take advantage of you eventually. You don’t have the resources to rebuild.”
“T-take care of me?” you stammered, your face scrunching in confusion.
“You’ll come live with my family for the time being. And eventually you will marry my son, Rafe.”
Your eyes went wild, “Are you crazy?”
Ward’s expression didn’t change. If anything, he looked even more smug. “This arrangement keeps the land in the family, ensures your safety, and gives you a future. You’re not equipped to handle this ranch on your own, Y/N. Your father knew that. I’m offering you a way out.”
You gaped at him, your thoughts spinning too fast to make sense of anything. “I… I want to talk to a lawyer or—or see his will or something!”
“You’re out of options. It’s either this arrangement or being out on the streets. I’m tossing you a lifeline.”
“I didn’t agree to this,” you said, your voice shaking with a mixture of anger and disbelief.
“No,” Ward admitted, standing and adjusting his cuffs. “But your father did. And a Cameron always honors their agreements.”
You wanted to scream, to tell him to leave and take his deal with him, but the weight of your father’s decisions pressed down on you. The debts, the ranch, your future—it was all tangled up in a web you couldn’t escape.
“I’ll give you until tomorrow to pack your things,” Ward said, placing his hat back on his head. “Rafe will come by to collect you.”
He turned and walked to the door without another word, leaving you standing alone in the office. The walls seemed to close in around you, and although you’d be crying for a week, you cried again.
You thought that if you weren’t at the house when Ward’s oldest son came to collect you, they might just give up and leave you be. Maybe you’d slip through the cracks of their plans, vanish into the quiet of the countryside. You could disappear for a little while and return in a few days. It would be rough surviving outside but you could make it on your own. You’d packed a small bag of essentials and took Juliet, the chestnut-colored mare that had belonged to you since your fourteenth birthday.
“Okay, Jules, we’re gonna go on a little adventure,” you whispered as you fumbled with her saddle.
Her large, liquid-brown eyes blinked at you with trust as you led her down the south path, the one behind your family’s ranch, overgrown from years of neglect. You left before the sun had a chance to rise. You didn’t want Ward Cameron or his scary son to find you, after all.
You tried to dress for comfort. Your long jeans would keep you warm, and you layered a jean jacket over a soft white cotton shirt. Perched atop your head was your trusty white cowboy hat, its wide brim offering protection from the sun, taming your unruly curls, while keeping your face shielded.
Juliet made a snorting sound, and you patted her neck. “Don’t worry, girl, we’ve totally got this. Like, what’s the worst that could happen?” You glanced back at the ranch, its dark outline fading behind the trees.
You mounted Juliet after deciding the direction you were going to travel in. You wanted to be much farther away by the time the sun came up. The air was cool and crisp, a reminder of the coming morning. You looked behind you although you were sure no one was following you yet.
The path twisted and turned. “Okay, so if we head toward the old fishing shack by the river, we can stay there for, like, a day. Nobody’s used it in forever.” You spoke out loud, pretending that Juliet could respond. “I think it’s... that way.”
You continued down the path in the direction you remembered the fishing shack to be located. The sun rose slowly, bringing light to the dark path. The shack was tucked away on the outskirts of the ranch, sitting in the bend of the river, most of it shielded by tall grass. The water flowed gently, the sound caressing your ears, it’s hues reflecting the red in the sky.
A clearing sat nearby covered in wildflowers, the bright colors splashed against the muted landscape. You hadn’t ventured this far out since the previous spring and were surprised to see how the flowers had held their vibrancy, defying the chill of the cooler months.
You hopped down from your saddle, taking Juliet’s rein before you tied her to a nearby tree, allowing her room to graze. The shack was small and weathered, and you rested on a rickety cot that you had to clear of cobwebs. It felt safe. At least for now.
If only staying still was your strong suit. A few hours later, boredom quickly got the best of you. You could only talk to Juliet for so long and you’d failed several times to nap inside the dirty shack. The silence pressed in on you. You decided to wander out into the wild flower fields, tugging your cowboy hat low over your curls. The vibrant colors were calling to you.
An hour later, you held a thick bundle flowers in your arm and a crown of daisies wrapped around your hat. Before you knew it, the shack was almost out of your sight and you faced a long trek back to Juliet.
You didn’t hear him at first.
“Hell of a hiding spot.”
The deep drawl froze you in place. Slowly, you turned, heart pounding, your eyes landing on Rafe Cameron sitting tall on his horse a few yards away. His blue eyes sparkled with amusement, though the tight line of his jaw hinted at something darker.
Rafe’s quarter horse was even more intimidating. It’s coat was midnight black, sleek and imposing. There was a wild, untamed quality to him, a fire in his eyes that mirrored Rafe’s own.
“I… I was just…” You stepped back without thinking, the urge to drop your bouquet and bolt creeping up. You’d seen Ward’s son from across a room before, but no one had ever bothered to introduce you. Still, you knew enough from the whispers and rumors. He was wild, always getting into trouble with the Kildare County police, and everyone said he was gonna take over his dad’s power and influence one day.
He was older than you remembered, more rugged, and definitely more muscular. His black button-up shirt clung to broad shoulder and his sleeves rolled up to reveal sculpted arms. A baseball cap sat atop his head, the bill slightly bent, with the Cameron Ranch sigil stitched on the front—an emblem of a stallion rearing. His light brown hair peeked from beneath it, slightly tousled.
“You’ve been wandering around all morning. Half the town’s already seen you,” Rafe leaned forward slightly, eyeing you curiously, “If you were gonna run, thought you’d go a little bit farther.” You gained the courage to finish your sentence, “I wasn’t running …or hiding. And you can’t tell Mr. Cameron that.”
“Why do you think he sent me?” He smiled devishly, “I’m the one you gotta worry about, darlin’.”
Your lips parted in shock and Rafe watched you take another step back. His jaw clicked before he swiftly hopped down from his horse. His heavy boots hit the dirt with a thud that seemed to echo, and you couldn’t help but notice the sheer size of him. Though he wasn’t much older than you, it was clear he towered over you, his presence demanding attention in a way that made your knees feel weak.
“I’m not coming with you,” You stated with all the strength you could muster, “It’s not right. You can’t make me.”
He stared back at you. Where Ward was bored by conversation with you, something about your Ward’s made Rafe’s eyes fiery, “And I guess you’ll make your living by what … selling flower crowns?”
Your eyebrows furrowed. You hadn’t considered that an option. In fact, you hadn’t dwelled long enough on what you would do once Ward gave up on this arranged marriage nor did you have any idea of how to make the ranch profitable again. The idea seemed wrong. Flowers weren’t the key, were they?
“I’m kidding,” Rafe spoke again after a moment of watching you reflect, “That’s a bad fucking idea. You know…I think your father might’ve been right about one thing in his life. You do need someone to look after you.”
“You don’t know me,” You looked away, your face heating up with embarrassment, “And I don’t want to go with you.”
A yelp escaped your lips as he started to close the distance between you, his long strides closing the gap in a matter of seconds. His smirk widened at your reaction, and quickly, you dropped your bouquet and made a run for the fishing shack. Rough hands easily snatched you up by your waist, lifting your feet off the ground, and making your head spin, “You’re real cute, darlin’,” Rafe drawled, hardly breakin a sweat as he dragged you back towards his horse. His grip on your waist was firm, unrelenting, and no matter how much you kicked or squirmed, it didn’t matter. He only hoisted you higher.
Heavy boots crunched against the dirt. You could hear your breathing and the sharp pounding of your heart in your ears. You lost your hat and subsequently your flower crown in the struggle. Scared that you might spook Rafe’s horse, you found yourself succumbing to his force, letting him lift you onto the saddle.
“Please, let me down,” You whispered, tears beginning to fall. Rafe was next, hoisting himself onto the black stallion, squeezing himself behind you. You were pressed against him so much that you could feel the flexing of the muscles of his stomach. An arm wrapped tightly around your waist.
Rafe shushed you, and surprisingly, you felt him settle your hat back on your head. You hadn’t even seen him pick it up. You were never supposed to ride without a hat, that’s what your father had taught you. You barely had time to process it before he urged the horse forward, the powerful animal's hooves pounding the earth beneath you as Rafe held you tightly, “M-My horse, Juliet!” You remembered, panicked, “I won’t go without her, Rafe!”
“I didn’t forget your horse,” He spoke calmer than you expected, though his tone still had an edge to it, “She’ll follow. Unlike you, she seems to have a decent amount of common sense.”
He kicked the horse into a gallop, the powerful animal responding instantly, the sound of its hooves hitting the ground like thunder in the otherwise still air. The wind whipped through your hair, stinging your face. You gripped the saddle tightly, to anchor yourself, despite knowing that Rafe’s grip was strong enough to keep you from flying.
This wasn’t the escape you wanted. Not even close.
Sure, he’d heard the rumors that you were a little …daft. And maybe that was true in some ways, but you were more than he had anticipated. He followed you, watched as you handled the horse with ease, and found himself intrigued. Your confusion, innocence, even your stubbornness drew him in like a moth to a flame.
The last thing Rafe wanted was a wife. He resisted the way his father felt like he could stll make decisions for him. Rafe was losing with this arrangement. Your father’s hundred acres was nothing in comparison to what he family already had and would acquire. But perhaps his father had seen exactly what Rafe was seeing now. You were raw, so unpolished, and that meant you could be shaped.
Once you were under the Cameron’s roof, Rafe had the power to do whatever he wanted.
Proving himself to Ward was a constant battle, every choice scrutinized, every misstep noted. To run the ranch one day, Rafe needed to show he could manage it all, the land, business, and now a wife. Building a home and keeping you in line was just another test.
That morning, Rafe had never expected to chase after you on horseback. He had arrived in his truck, scouring the house for any sign of you, only to realize you were already gone. In frustration, he called John B., one of the Cameron ranch hands, and sent him to bring Trigger, his horse, to the Y/L/N ranch.
When you both returned, John B. was already there, waiting. Thunder cracked above, a sunny morning turning into a dreary afternoon. Rafe barked orders to ensure Juliet and Trigger were both stabled at the Cameron’s ranch.
He lifted you down from the saddle, his grip firm on your wrists before you could bolt. It only took a second for him to realize the urgency in your voice as you spoke, trying to talk to John B., who was already taking Juliet and Trigger’s reins. “She gets nervous when she’s in new places. She doesn’t like to be rushed,” Rafe overheard, catching the panic in your tone.
“Yes, ma’am. Don’t worry, I’ll take it slow with her,” John B. assured her although Rafe only glared at the worker, jaw tight.
“Come on,” Rafe pulled your arm, “We’re leaving.”
Your small hands grabbed where he’d wrapped his hands around your arm. You dug your boots into the gravel in front of the house, “Wait, I don’t have everything. I-I need to grab some things,” Rafe’s gripped only tightened as his irritation grew.
“You should’ve thought about that before you made me chase after you,” He took one more look at your teary-face before he snapped. Taking you home should’ve taken thirty minutes, not four hours. Without warning, he scooped you up over his shoulder, ignoring the surprised gasp you let out.
Your legs kicked in the air, “Hey! Please put me down!” Rafe didn’t spare your house on John B. a second glance as he trudged over to his dark, blue truck. Please, that made Rafe brow furrow. Rafe took the opportunity to cop a feel, of course, he had to know exactly what he was working with. You were his future wife, after all, “Rafe! I don’t like being upside down!”
“Scream all the way there for all I fucking care,” He muttered under his breath, his voice cold as he finally reached the truck and tossed you into the passenger seat.
Rafe sped off moments after he pressed start engine on the vehicle. You went quiet and he hoped to be alone with his thoughts, soothed by the soft pitter patter of rain on his windshield. Fifteen minutes down the road, he heard your breath hitch. He looked over to see you were staring straight head, eyes wide and wet with tears. Smudged mascara beneath your eyes. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and you clutched your hands tightly in your lap. Your lips were shaking, moving as if you were whispering something to yourself.
Your legs began to jitter, restless, and Rafe looked away. He managed to tune out your obvious panic for nearly an entire minute. He had a rare feeling. One he didn’t fully understanding. The angel on his shoulder was telling him to reach out, to try and comfort you. He thought about what Wheezie might think if this was the disheveled state he brought his future wife to meet her in. He let out a quiet sigh, knowing it was only going to get worse as the reality of your situation set in.
“Hey,” He spoke without that sharp edge, channeling a voice he might use with his youngest sister, “I didn’t mean you’d never get your things. We can come back, when you’re more settled …And I’ll send someone to get all your keepsakes. Okay?”
“Okay, okay, okay,” You repeated though your voice sounded empty, “Okay.”
He thought those would be the magic words but you hadn’t even turned to look at him. You were doing the same thing, shaking like a leaf, barely taking in enough breath, “Fuck,” Rafe cursed. He pulled over to the side of the road with a sharp jerk, the gravel crunching under the tires as the truck slowed to a stop. Without thinking, he shifted into park and turned to you.
Rafe needed to be more deliberate in his actions. He had eyes on him, his entire immediate family, and he wouldn’t have them thinking he couldn’t handle you.
He tried to calm you, squeezed your hand, told you to breathe over and over again. Nothing. You were spiraling, letting your thoughts consume you. Rafe had been too rough. It was all too much too fast for you. He wanted to mold you, not break you.
He leaned in, taking your face in his hands, and pressing his lips to yours. You went frantic but he only deepened the kiss. He held your hand and slowly felt your tension lesson. He entwined his fingers in yours and slowly felt you move your own lips against his. You tasted like cherries, dark red, and perfectly ripe. His hands moved to the back of your neck, his fingers pressing lightly, urging you to focus, to let go of the panic.
He pulled away only when you stopped your heaving.
“You’re okay,” he murmured, his voice low and steady. “You’re okay now. Breathe with me.”
He waited for you to come back to him, cradling you there. You had no one left, Rafe realized in that moment, the truth settling heavily in his chest. And maybe that was why he couldn’t bring himself to be cruel.
No, taking care of you wasn’t just an obligation, it was an important responsibility. One he’d shoulder completely. Whether you liked it or not, Rafe would make sure of it.
Rafe Cameron tasted like whiskey, with a faint hint of mint that lingered now even as you stood in the foyer of your new home, Tannyhill Ranch. The white house was sprawling and pristine, situated amidst of sea of green fields. Windows sparkled even in the storm that was coming down, and although the roof’s shingles were weathered, it was hard to believe the property had been there for more than a century.
Workers, chefs and maids, bustled by but no one spared you or Rafe a glance despite the dry tears on your face and disheveled appearance.
The interior was grand, the hardwoods polished until they shined, and the ceilings were higher than the ones at church. Everything screamed old money. You felt a hand on the small of your back, guiding you through the grand entrance hall and then up one side of a grand staircase. Portraits line the walls, serious faces, Camerons and previous owners of the estate.
Their eyes watched you, “Rafe, where are we going?” You asked him quietly.
“To your room,” He spoke low and firm. There hadn’t been any rough grabbing of your limbs or unwanted rides on Rafe’s shoulder since your kiss in the car. You hadn’t fully let you guard down but you preferred when Rafe was calm, and so you remained calm too, “You can settle in.”
Rafe led you down the upstairs hallway, stopping at one of at least six bedroom doors, and pushing it open. The room was breathtaking, a four-poster bed draaped in white linens, oak furniture, blue-white toile patterns, and large windows that overlooked the property. It was beautiful, yes, but none of this belonged to you.
Your fingers absentmidnely traced the fabric of the bed’s comforter before you got a grip, turning around to say something in protest, “Don’t look at me like that,” Rafe interrupted, hands tucking into the front of jeans as if to give off a non-chalant appearance. The position emphasized the silvery belt buckle that sat on the middle of his waist.
“I don’t want to live here,” You spoke softly, your voice still weak from all the crying.
“I know,” Rafe continued, sounding exactly like his father, “Your father did though. You still love your Daddy, don’t you?”
Rafe’s words made you think. Really think. Of course you loved your father. He was a smart man and he always did right by you and your Mother. However, deep down, this all still felt wrong. You stood there, caught between the beauty of the room and the unease of what you felt.
You nodded, “But–”
“But this is what he wanted, darlin’,” Rafe spoke in a way that carried a sense of finality. Rafe stepped closer and suddenly his body was a brick wall keeping you from leaving the room. His lips pulled into a smirk and he leaned down to speak in your ear, his breath fanning over your cheeks. Whiskey and mint, “You always did what your Daddy said, right?”
“Yes,” You answered too honestly for your own good.
“Now you’ll do what I say. That’s how it works. A young lady belongs to her father, and one day, after she grows up, she belongs to her husband,” He straightened up and you blinked your big eyes up at him. Slowly, your eyes traveled down to his lips, “You’ll thank me, one day.”
Gently, he tucked a finger beneath your chin, lifting it even higher. You held your head exactly in the place he placed it, making something flicker in Rafe’s eyes. A heat bloomed in your core. You could only think about that kiss, your first one, despite the fact that he was one of the men completely ruining your life.
“You ever seen someone break a wild horse?”
His question caught you off guard, and your brows furrowed slightly as you searched his face for meaning. The smirk on his lips deepened, and his hand dropped from your chin.
“Takes patience. Takes strength. Takes knowing exactly when to push and when to pull back. But eventually, the horse figures out who’s in charge.” His blue eyes darkened, the intensity of his gaze pinning you in place, ”Out on the ranch, when we get a wild one. It’s my favorite thing to do. Watch em’ go from fighting you to starting to trust you. Really, there’s no point in fighting. The one’s who don’t submit, we don’t keep em’ around. They’re dangerous.”
“Oh,” You managed to say, shifting uncomfortably, “That sounds … hard.”
Rafe chuckled in response, “Hard? Yeah, especially if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
You opened your mouth to respond, but before you could, Rafe’s smirk returned, sharper now, his eyes narrowing slightly.
“You want me to kiss you again. I can tell.”
His words sent you stammering immediately, “No!”
“Tell you what,” Rafe interrupted smoothly, ignoring your denial as if it hadn’t even registered. “If you settle in, get all dolled up for dinner…” His voice dripped with false generosity. “I’ll give you another one.”
You stared, dumbfounded and frozen until the young rancher casually turned and walked out of the room. Your fists clenched at your sides as a storm of emotions swirled inside you, anger and fear. One emotion simmered quietly beneath the surface, unwelcome and disorienting. Anticipation.
part two
#dark fic#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron fanfiction#black!reader#ward cameron#outer banks smut#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron smut#outer banks
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Not having the "Speak to animals" spell at the beginning is KILLING MEEEEEEEE
Things are very weird this run and I barely started
1: Shadowheart, for SOME reason, is a BIG bitch this time around. Which is funny because when my friend played her first run before me she said she hated Shart and I couldn't figure out why?? Because Shadowheart was actually REALLY nice to me? She was secretive and suspicious of everyone but was genuinely nice and pleasant. Welp... this run she is a BITCH and I'm like "ah... I see how this as a first impression would not go over well."
2: Astarion is nicer to me than he was in my first run. I haven't had much opportunities to raise his affinity yet (and hopefully won't fuck it up this time) but he's weirdly less hostile to me.
3: Shadowheart hasn't even told me about the artifact yet and I have 0 idea about it but the Emperor wants me to eat an evil space slug so badly he yelled "A SPECIMEN. GRAB IT. IT MIGHT BE USEFUL" when Shart wasn't even in my party. I guess my Tav (Moonstone) is like "huh... I guess we hearing voices now..."
#BG3#text post#spoilers#spoiler#I'M SO SORRY “TALK TO ANIMALS” I TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED#I USED YOU EVERY DAY AND WAS NEVER AS GRATEFUL AS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YOUR EXISTENCE#I MISS YOU SO MUCH#FEEL LIKE SHIT. JUST WANT HER BACK [talk to animals spell]#bg3 spoilers
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