#i'm so goddamn tired. i'm tired of being sick and i'm just god. damned. tired.

[3d-wifey]

PLEASE PLEASE I NEED A READER WHO'S JUST AS MUCH OF A FERAL FREAK AS LOGAN JUST IDC WHAT HER MUTATION IS, JUST MAKE IT ANIMALISTIC SO THEY CAN HAVE FREAK NASTY SMUT

Back to the Kitty (Cus She's Kinda Pretty)

Pairing: Logan James "The Wolverine" Howlett x Lynx!reader

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: smut heehee, uh munch logan supremacy, hybrid au (?), NSFW, NSFT

A/N: This has been my man since 2000 and I was only born in 2004, I'm so happy he's fucking FINALLY GETTING LOVE GOD DAMN. Reader is implied to be black but you can still read it if you aren't, as always. Also, it's been shown in canon again and again that Logan is weak to the whims of a pretty woman, especially early Logan, so dont give me no goddamn lip about this being unrealistic.

Tags: @yvy1s @innercreationflower

Logan stares at the wooden door long after Summers leaves. He scoffs, irritated. Something about the Boy Scout rubs him the wrong way. He rolls his eyes. "Prick."

"I see you've met Scott." Logan spins around, and sees… No one. There couldn't be another telepath rummaging around in his head. Between one blink and the next, a woman appears on what's supposed to be his bed. "He's not so bad once you get to know him. Then again, he's not so good either. He's a real mixed bag."

Logan gapes at the relaxed figure lounging on his bed. His senses snap to attention—your scent is all over his room as if it's always been there.

Your heartbeat is fast but steady. He sniffs. Your scent, cool like snow, makes him nostalgic for the Canadian wilderness. It’s tinged with something familiar—an intrinsic note of his own scent. Something he caught on that Sabertooth freak earlier. Animalistic. 

Feral.

As he takes in your appearance, memories of the wilderness flash through his mind. He'd heard stories about people, people like them living off the grid, protecting wildlife and using their powers to evade detection. Maybe you were one of them. A guardian of the wild, hidden from civilization up till now. Maybe he was too.

"What the hell is going on here?" Logan grits his teeth, sick and tired of surprises. You tilt your head, pointed ears twitching, the black tufts catching his attention.

You're lying on your stomach, facing him. Your knees are bent, ankles crossed and swinging.

"You teleport in here or something?" He takes cautious steps towards you, spotting the sharply curved claws in place of toenails—easy weapons. One good kick could slit his throat.

A mix of gray and beige fur trails up from the front of your feet, all the way up your thighs to disappear past the leg of your shorts. It's the same shade as the hair on your head.

"Nope." You barely acknowledge him, grooming the fur along your forearm like one of those big cats. He lingers on the movement, intrigued. The slight tilt of your head, long pink tongue peaking out as it travels the length of your forearm to your knuckles and then back again, holds his attention. "I've been here the whole time.”

“I would’ve smelled you." 

“But ‘ya didn’t,” you chuckle and it feels like you’re rubbing it in his face.

“That's impossible.” He scoffs, shaking his head. 

Sharp, amber eyes lock onto him, reflective and cat-like. He freezes, instincts on edge, the hair on his nape standing as vertical pupils assess him coolly. 

Logan’s eyes flicker away to the exit—only for a split second. But when he looks back, the bed is empty. He whips around to the door, heart pounding in confusion because it's…it's still closed.

Where—? 

“How the hell—”

His jaw doesn't drop but it's a near damn thing. This is freaky, freakier than the regular freakiness he's come to expect after walking into this school.

"Still here." You purr from behind him, the sound of your voice sending a shiver down his spine. He turns back, and there you are again, lounging like you never moved. He takes a deep breath, trying, and failing, to steady himself. 

"You mind explaining how you're doing that?" He asks, hoping he sounds more annoyed than unsettled. He can tell by the playful glint in your eye that he doesn't. 

“And if I do mind?” You say, but he doesn’t rise to the bait, which is what this all is, he realizes. You smirk. "I told you, boy. I've been here the whole time. Long enough to see you strike out with Jeanie."

Logan scowls more at the mention of Jean than being called ‘boy’. Just what he needs—another reminder of the happy couple. 

But how had he missed you? Jean wasn't that distracting. It gnaws at him. He doesn’t like it, the idea of his senses betraying him.

"Yeah, well, it's not exactly easy getting a read on you when you’re playing hide and seek."

You tilt your head, studying him. "Maybe you’re just not looking hard enough."

"Or maybe…” He steps closer, his instincts screaming at him to stay on guard despite your eyes compelling him to do otherwise. “You're just really good at hiding."

Your eyes meet his, a challenge in your gaze that he's not sure he's the right guy to take on. "Then I guess you'll have to get better at seeking.”

Logan's mind races as he processes the confrontation. He isn't used to feeling off balance, the one on the back foot. Usually, he's the one doing the intimidating, the one making others question their next move. 

But with you, it's different. There's a raw, untamed energy about you that draws him in and sets him on edge at the same time. You're not just another mutant, he knows that much. Like none he's ever met before; you're something more, something savage that mirrors the part of himself he tries to keep under control. The part that craves the hunt, the chase.

He comes to stand near the bed, slowly reaching out to check if you're real or just some kind of projection. You stare up at him, amused, and allow his calloused hand to meet the warm skin of your shoulder.

"I don't understand," Logan mutters and it feels like admitting defeat.

"I didn't want you to see me. So you didn't." You shrug, and even that looks graceful. It takes him a second to get there, but it dawns on him in much the same way your sudden appearance did. Some kind of mental camouflage. Not like prey blending in to hide, but a predator lying in wait before striking.

"But I couldn't even smell you anymore." It's one thing to trick his mind, but it should be impossible to trick his nose. He bares his teeth. "I've had enough of people messing with my head."

You say nothing. Instead, you grin, baring your own teeth right back and revealing elongated canines that glint under the low light. His eyes are drawn to their sharp edges. They're sharper than his own. How easily could you sink them into something? He wagers it wouldn't take much effort at all.

"Down, boy." You cackle, not even doing his ego the service of pretending to be threatened. "Unless you wanna see whose bite is really worse than their bark." You raise a brow at him expectantly.

He scowls, crossing his arms. He's not backing down, but something about this whole encounter is throwing him off. Your self-assuredness is doing something to him, and he's not sure what to make of it.

He regards you warily, taking slow measured steps around the bed. "So… What’s your deal? You’re not a teleporter or a telepath? Great. Then what the hell are you?"

"Hm," You hum deep in your chest, resting your chin on your palm as you track his movements. He figures you aren't gonna maul him in his own room. "Don't worry, your nose isn't failing you," you snort, and his confidence in you not being a telepath drops significantly. "I cloaked myself. Completely. Not even the professor can find me if I don't want him to. I can even trick all that fancy tracking technology. So don't feel too bad."

It's a bunch of smoke and mirrors. Well, it's better than you messing with his head. Impressive too.

"Huh. How 'bout that." He licks his lips and holds out a hand. "Name's Logan."

"I heard." You take his hand in your surprisingly strong grip, turning it palm down instead of shaking it. "I was curious about the new guy. Wanted to see if you'd be worth holding my attention." You drag a feather-light finger along his knuckles, circling them, then rubbing the almost perpetually red divots where his claws are hidden. For whatever reason, he lets you. The barely there touch makes the hair on his arm stand up, fingers twitching in your hold. He only just fights back the desire to lean into it.

"S’that so?" He smirks. "And what do you think now that you've seen me?"

"Well, first impressions, I'm not disappointed." Those stunning eyes rove over him, lingering on the sweatpants he borrowed. He preens under your gaze, understanding Scott even less now. Don't get him wrong, Jean seems like a great girl. But how could he possibly see a woman like you and leave you to your lonesome? Hell, his loss is Logan's gain. Slim couldn't handle you anyway. "But the rest depends."

"On?"

"You. I've been so bored here. Keeping clean, prowling the straight and narrow. What do you say, Logan?" You purr, bringing your free hand up to ghost over his leg, and the muscles in his thigh flex under your touch. "You think you can keep me entertained?"

He arches a brow. "You got a name?" He husks, at some point coming close enough to stand over you.

"No," you reply, his brows furrowing in response. Though he guesses he's got no room to judge. He only knows his name because of his dog tags. "The kids just call me Lynx, for whatever that's worth. Guess it stuck.”

"I can see why." He looks you over, taking you and all your curves in as you rise up to your knees to sit on your haunches. You're wearing a tank. A very thin tank. He can see the shape and heft of your tits, and even though you feel far from cold, he can see the white fabric rubbing against your hard nipples. The name fits you, but Minx would've been his suggestion. "And... What exactly do you do around here? Other than skulking in other people's rooms." He asks, not masking his curiosity.

You pull him onto the bed beside you. He doesn't bounce but the springs squeak under his weight.

He can’t picture you teaching those little brats anything. Maybe you could teach them how to gut a man like a pig, but something tells Logan that might just offend the professor’s sensibilities.

Your top lip pulls up into a snarl, a predator's smile, it draws him in instead of warning him away.

"I'm not too good at the whole guiding the minds of our future thing. For now, I have to hone my powers and learn how to integrate back into proper society." If the wording wasn't enough to tell Logan you're copying Chuck word for word, then the accent you put on does the trick.

Your grip on his hand tightens, pressing a hidden pressure point. Logan’s breath catches as his claws unsheathe, the metallic sound slicing through the air. His eyes lock onto yours, trying to read the intention behind this sudden, intimate maneuver. He smells it instead—musky, semi-sweet—and heat pools low in his stomach, hardening him against his thigh.

You shift, straddling him with feline grace, knees on either side of his hips. His free hand instinctively grips your waist to steady you, though it's clear you don't need his help.

Your long tongue runs along his knuckles—warm, wet, and a little rough. He exhales heavily at the sensation.

His mouth drops open with a pant, watching closely. You trail the muscle up the blades—he shouldn't feel it so viscerally, but he does. He can practically feel the flicks of your tongue in his damn spine—and he smells the rich iron in the air before he sees crimson bleed along his claws.

He can smell you getting wetter too. Whether it's from the blood or the sharpness of his claws is anyone's guess. Logan's hold on you tightens, his hand sliding to your lower back as he pulls you closer, a low growl rumbling in his chest

He watches, fascinated, as your split tongue knits itself back together. It's bizarre, witnessing such rapid healing on someone else. The sight stirs something primal within him.

Blood drips down your chin, a stark contrast against your skin. 

He wants to follow it. So he does, pushing into your space to chase it up your chin and into your mouth.

You gasp, soft and sweet, at the contact, your hands threading through his hair, pulling him closer. Running, thankfully, dull nails along his scalp. The metallic taste mingles with the warmth of your mouth as he kisses you deeply, a groan sitting low in his throat.

The kiss, meanwhile, isn't soft or sweet. It's biting and bitter with the taste of your blood, mixing with his own when you bite his bottom lip, fangs piercing the meat as easily as he predicted they would. It makes his head hazy with some kind of bloodlust. Or maybe just regular lust. The two are more intertwined now than ever before. At least as far as Logan can remember, which admittedly isn't saying much. He's got no idea how to begin separating them and he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t remember the last time he's tasted blood other than his own. It makes him groan as he squeezes the fat around your hips in a bruising grip—hard enough to make you moan. He knows you can handle it, handle him.

You pull away, a string of pink saliva connecting your lips to his.

Something kicks Logan into gear, and, without really thinking about the movement, he leans back down, his lips brushing against your chin to lap up the rest of the blood.

"You showed me yours; only fair I show you mine." You unsheathe your own claws, as pretty and deadly as you are. They're about two inches long and even sharper than those teeth.

"Now, how the hell did they manage to domesticate a wild thing like you?" In this pristine and civilized place, you stand out even more than he does. For a creature like you, it must be akin to captivity.

You laugh, though it sounds closer to a chuff. "I was out in the wilderness, hiding the lynxes from poachers and loggers." You say, hooking a claw in the zipper of his hoodie and tugging it down, exposing his bare chest and stomach to your exploring hands. "Saved as many as I could. Spent years out there like that."

“And the professor found you?" Logan asks, intrigued despite himself and despite all the blood in his head rushing to his dick.

"Eventually," you nod, a hint of a smirk playing on your lips, what he's beginning to think is their natural state. "But not before a lot of poachers ended up dead, wondering why they couldn't find a single lynx."

"You hid them," Logan says, tilting his head back. You don't hesitate to take the bait, swooping down to stitch your lips to his neck. You bite more than you suck, breaking skin as you go and not letting how fast the wounds disappear deter you from making more. He grunts, bucking hips coaxed by your own.

"You're not the only one hiding out from the metal man." Your lips drag against his skin as you speak. Lips and teeth and tongue and—

"Fuck." He hisses. His hips buck again and you meet the movement head-on, swiveling your hips like you're riding a bull.

Magneto wants you too then, Logan thinks, dazed.

"So what?" He breathes, dragging the both of you further up the bed, "Now you're fighting the good fight for animals and mutants?"

"Something like that. Don't tell Xavier, but it really just came down to Jean and Oruro being more persuasive than that big brute Magneto sent for me."

He laughs. "I can believe it."

"Now," you grind your hips down, hitting the perfect angle, "do you wanna hear my life story, or do you wanna fuck me?" You say with a grunt. And when you put it like that, the choice is pretty fucking clear.

He twists around, switching your position with you on your back and him hovering over you.

You've got a mischievous look in your lidded eyes as you hump each other through your clothes, sinking your nails into his ass. He flinches, thrusting against you hard enough to push you up the bed, and snarls in your face.

You laugh as he flips you onto your stomach and yanks your hips up. Moans sprinkle through when he presses up against your ass, dick grinding into you. He can feel how hot you are through your thin shorts. You're soaked, enough to turn the fabric of his sweats a darker gray.

Just the smell of you is straining the cotton around his dick, he wants—no needs more. So he leans down, gripping your shorts and ripping a hole down the middle, finding you wetter than he imagined.

You gasp, peeking over your shoulder at him, but he's already on the move. 

He mumbles a gruff fuck as he watches your pussy clench around nothing. He goes to pull himself out but thinks of a better idea.

He wants your cunt in his mouth and he tells you as much. You smirk, more fang than gum, and sway your hips side to side, like you're daring him to take what he wants. He does.

He buries his nose in your snatch and takes a whiff, you moan, grinding back against his face, leaving slick on his nose and cheeks. He lets you, encourages it, even, by gripping your hips and growling deep in his chest. Fur soft where his facial hair is rough, sticking in wet peaks from how much your cunt is drooling.

He sticks his tongue out, not as long as yours, but long enough to get the job done as he buries it into you. Coaxing out more slick and cum as your fluttering warmth squeezes him. 

“Logan,” You moan into his pillow, likely leaving it wet with licking and biting, the same way he's planning on leaving the blanket under you wet with your cum. He grinds against the bed, letting his own need build steadily in his gut and up his spine, the animalistic urge to devour you stronger than anything else.

The taste of you, as heady as you smell, settles heavily on his tongue and down his throat as you rock back and forth, twisting and whining like the wild thing you are.

He leans back just enough to take one of your pussy lips into his mouth, sucking as you take in hitching breaths above him, moving to the other side to give it the same treatment, before circling back to your clit.

He spits on your fluttering hole, licking it back up, and spitting again and he almost thinks you came then and there from how loud you get.

Your thighs are shaking and you're wet enough for him to skip to two fingers right away. He pushes his spit, and his scent, deep into you, stretching you around his thick fingers as he bites at the back of your thighs. You arch your back like a, well, like a cat in heat.

He fucks you on his fingers hard enough that your body shakes with each thrust. He feels the rapid build-up inside of you, shaking and fluttering as he mumbles against your clit about how good you taste and smell, how wet you are for him. 

He feels you come as much as he sees it, your body locking up before abruptly loosening. He pets your flank, “Atta girl.” His voice is rougher than before as you twitch. Soaking his fingers as you lazily hump his hand, making little gasps and whines that he would have thought of as wounded if he didn’t feel how tightly your walls are gripping him.

You lift your head, something satisfied yet still challenging in your amber eyes that makes his hands go to pull his pants down, using your slick to stroke himself, and he knows his pillow will be littered with puncture marks from your teeth and claws, the thought is enough to make him twitch in his hand, a bead of pre that he swipes with his thumb.

He pauses before offering his finger to you, knowing he made the right choice of staying here when you wrap plump lips around his thumb, hollowing your cheeks and sucking like it's his dick.

You pull back, just enough to lick the mixture of the both of you off of his palm, mumbling a demand. “Fuck me, Logan.”

And who is he to deny you when you’re looking at him like that? Wet and wild, curves and claws wrapped up in golden fur like a gift, just for him.

He smirks, “Yes, ma’am.”

[7nessasaryevils]

Ahhh my favourite day of the week! I wanted to watch earlier but today's been so hectic so this is a very late screaming crying throwing up review of Wandee Goodday! Let us begin!

- oh lovely... pain right out the fucking gate why won't you assholes let me breathe???? Poor Cher having to watch the men he loves fight 😭😭

- ohhhh that Cher Yei hug... (gwenchana count 1)

- both yak and yei breaking down in the arms of the men they love most... fucking hell we haven't even gotten to the opening credits! (Also Cher and Dee just silently comforting their boys... gods I'm soft 🥹🥺)

- Dee taking care of yak by physically comforting him and then making sure he eats is just so goddamn sweet... fucking asshole

- Dee pouting because yak says he loves granmama is so boyfriend coded im smacking my head against a wall

- oh wow this is a yei-pain centric episode and we are really putting my son through the wringer

- Cher and Dee becoming the in-laws we needed ♥️♥️

- fuck the simple domesticity of you and your partner working in silence each doing your own thing ♥️♥️♥️

- Dee verbally reinforcing his belief in yak (gwenchana count 2)

- ZAZAKI NY BABIE HI!!!

- oh gods I love him immediately asking why yak isn't doing the fight

- real talk: I get why Yei is so mad at his father... to be that young and lose your mom and then be told by the only other adult in your life that you are now responsible for your little brother, a business, and a legacy is a lot. The resentment he has against his dad is understandable and so is Yak's forgiveness for him. While Yei decided he didn't need his father anymore, Yak decided to stay connected to the only other parent he does have because in that way he's still connected to his mom. My babies have been through it 🥺

- oh look the in-laws are all meeting!

- while I love that we're showing off Dr. Dee... AUTOMATIC DISCREDITING SIR!!! How in the fuck is that doctor telling you - a nonmember of the family- about papa phadetseuk's diagnosis??

- HOWLING 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 are you two cursed to be stuck with my sons is such a sad thing to say I love it!!!

- Cher really said "I'm sick and tired of you idiots fighting I'm telling your dad!" 🤣🤣🤣

- yei's heartbroken face... oh gods why do these brothers always look so good when they're devastated?!?

- I'm so fucking fine look how goddamn utterly fine I am so so wonderfully fine (sobs in the corner)

- I love that we address how grief can break people in the worst way and that both papa Phadetseuk and Yei are taking accountability for the past few years

- this episode really was out to hurt and yet heal my little boxer family and I love it!

- awww cute yei and Cher scenes!

- WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD FUCK ME (fuck Cher actually) HOLY SHIT

- FAMILY KARAOKE!!!

- ohhh... here we go dee backstory time!! (Tiny Dee is precious and I am going to steal him my goodness)

- granmama and yak being besties is exactly what I needed in my life ♥️

- SAY THE DAMN WORDS WANDEE!!! Although finally understanding that you love yak is fucking great!!

And for next week!

Out fashionable grim reaper is back, my son gets hurt, and we have actual clowns!! Perhaps a little less pain than this week ♥️

The exhaustion has set in so I bid you all adieu!!

[say-hi-intrepid-heroes]

okay big personal lore drop time, i usually don't get this detailed into my personal life but i'm fuckin mad and also tired rn

so i recently started college/university (higher education where i've moved away to be truly independent for the first time) and there's lots of great stuff like gender presentation, getting to be openly queer, having a good dnd group, etc

but i'm so fucking done with everyone else's romance. it's so fucking lonely.

i've made lots of new friends!! but all of them have/want partners, so they keep spending all their time chasing after people and im just left here doing nothing:

- watching Good Omens for the sixth time because i have nothing to do on a Friday night.

- getting a library card because my Saturday plans got cancelled because my friend is trying to hang out with their romantic interest so all i can do is read books alone on saturday.

- sitting alone at the end of the table because i'm the only one without a partner and they're all sitting across from one another and ive got no one

- listening to every goddamn conversation about "oh he said this and it was so romantic!" or "she wants to hang out soon!" and not being able to participate

listen, i don't want to date. i don't like being in romantic relationships. but god fucking damn it i wish i did so that i wouldn't feel so alone when this is supposed to be the least lonely time of my fucking life. i've finally gotten away from the toxic bullshit of high school but now everyone is pairing off. i'm so sick of this.

i know being aroace doesn't make me broken. i know that. but fuck, it sure feels like i am right now.

[circular-bircular]

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Alright, now that I’ve sat for a bit with my thoughts, got food, and destressed some…

Thoughts are going under a cut. This is all just ramblings and musings in regards to syscourse. Don’t take it too seriously.

I am sick and tired of the “sides of syscourse” bullshit. There aren’t sides. The sides are completely arbitrarily decided by those who tout themselves as leaders of the community, and if they don’t do so themselves, they are held up as paragons by those who regurgitate their disgusting displays in attempts at coherent thought.

I do mean that in regards to “all sides.” There are some of those who follow me who sicken me with how they attempt to interpret my words.

But then there are those who also engage with conversation, when possible. There are those who attempt to further conversations. And there’s those who are just trying their best, to understand or to learn more.

I’m… frustrated. Mostly that I can’t exist without this. It’s my entire disorder. I can either exist openly online as a DID system while participating in syscourse, or I can’t be online as a DID system. I can’t have a blog about my experiences without having to bring Endogenic systems into it, in some way.

I see my endogenic friends struggling right now due to fakeclaiming, and that’s hell. But I also see endogenic systems saying, “anti-endos have no idea what it’s like, having people tell you each day that they hate you or that you don’t exist!” And I know they mean me. Because they believe anti-endo means CDD.

I’m a CDD system. I’ve got DID. I struggle with it. And each and every day, I see more and more people who are trying to punch at the anti-endos doing things that directly impact me, as someone who isn’t a fucking anti-endo. As someone who isn't even pro-endo anymore. I'm not anti or pro anything! I'M JUST TRYING TO FUCKING EXIST.

The ToSD is real and valid, regardless of who participated in the writing and popularization of it. There’s plenty of research that supports it. Attacking the ToSD is not attacking anti-endos. It’s attacking CDD systems.

DID is a trauma only disorder. You cannot have DID without having repeated childhood trauma. You do not need to hate your system or be disordered by your plural aspects of self to have DID, and anyone saying otherwise is ignoring even the DSM. Attacking DID diagnostic criteria is not attacking anti-endos. It's attacking CDD systems.

Anyone, at all, who harasses anyone else, is either a troll, or hurting. They aren’t fucking evil. They aren’t irredeemable. They’re certainly a damn sight more than a fucking parasite — how in the goddamn insurmountable levels of hell do you think it’s appropriate to compare living, breathing human beings to parasites, and deem them worse and lesser? What gives you the right to treat others like this?

For fucks goddamn sake, I just want to live. I just want to survive with this disorder online. I want to talk about my experiences. But every single goddamn time I’ve tried, I get caught in this loop.

First, it was pro-endos, insisting I was valid while gaslighting me and harassing me into thinking I didn’t have goddamn trauma.

Then, it was anti-endos, insisting my hurt was valid while demonizing the pro-endos who hurt me first.

Then it was all of you fuckers, every single person in syscourse — yes, even you — who perpetuated these cycles. And the thing is, I’m not blaming you, I’m not upset with you; it’s just fucking impossible to avoid at this point!!

And the thing is, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave this place. I’ve spent a goddamn decade trying to carve out a hole for myself to hide in here. This became my home for so goddamn long because I didn’t have one of my own. And god, I have made a lot of connections here, people who I would miss. People who I DO miss.

But you all make it so damn difficult. Pro-endos hurting me more each day. Anti-endos hurting my friends and taking the battling gun approach to fighting ableism.

I’m so tired.

I’m just. So goddamn tired.

I think that’s all I’ve got in me right now. That’s all the energy I can muster for this. At least it’s words that count toward my daily total, right?

[starboodoesstuff]

Warning: rant incoming

Dude I am legitimately SO sick and tired of my parents basically telling me I'm lazy and pressuring me into getting a job, it's so damn exhausting.

Like, I get it. To even survive in this goddamn society you need a job. I GET that. But I legit only graduated just this year, and I'm only like, eighteen and a half.

And it's not like I'm scared. (I mean, I am, but that's not most of it.) It's just... I'm not exactly entirely neurotypical, and being incredibly anxious and depressed does not help matters either.

I legitimately think that the only way I'd be able to get and keep a job would be for me to be medicated in some way.

BUT. (There's always a goddamn but oh my god)

Due to not having an official diagnosis of ANYTHING, I can't exactly do that.

Me as I am right now, I'd flounder.

Call me a snowflake if you want, but I'm just being realistic here.

At some point I did get a therapy consultation, but even though I WANTED to stay in therapy, try and get help, my mom didn't want to go along with it, because 'if you need to talk to anyone, you can just talk to us' (meaning her and my dad)

So I never found out what was wrong with me, and I'm still in the same place I was then, if not worse.

And my mom doesn't believe that I need a diagnosis for my very likely ADHD and autism and who the fuck knows what else.

'As long as *we* know, we can use coping mechanisms to 'fix' it'

No. Just no.

She was told by some doctor or somebody that we didn't need a diagnosis unless we needed help, and my mom is incredibly stubborn and refuses help, so that's how that went. Yay.

Oh, and a diagnosis is SUPER complicated and expensive, apparently, so that's another reason.

It's just... I'm so tired. goddamn exhausted.

I'm not *lazy*, I just can't do any of this shit anymore.

Even if I did manage the miracle that is getting a job, it's unlikely that I'd keep it, because my brain is about as useful as if my skull were filled with goddamn scrambled eggs

I'm so fucking done

[clericofshadows]

7 snippets, 7 mutuals

got tagged by @rotschopf-thedrow :D ty!

tagging anyone who sees this and wants to participate!

I have a few misc WIPs I'm working on :)

icy nights, icy lights - Nyx/Kaidan, Noveria

Kaidan traced the lines of black ink on Nyx's arms, wondering what inspired the art. Wispy lines reminiscent of magic–or biotics even–were painted on the muscled arms, weaving together with the long since faded scars of war that also made their home on his skin.  Perhaps they were a sign of his biotics, a way of showing them off without being able to do it himself.  What would they feel like, alongside his, joining as one, combining mnemonics and dark energy to control the battlefield?  Or will he ever know them beyond secret moments of pleasure, flashes of blue held back by years of control and a custom amp and implant designed to keep him safe? Kaidan hated that he didn't know the answer.  A dark part of him, the jealous part that came about after learning about Nyx's history with Hackett couldn't help but fill his veins with cold ice. Hackett may not be a biotic, but he was probably more acquainted with Nyx's biotics than Kaidan will ever be. 

2. face your own enemy - Regis/Kaidan/Zaeed, continuation of my Citadel DLC write-up

Regis wasn’t impressed. “I don’t give a fuck who you claim to be. I’m Admiral goddamn Shepard, not you. You can be your own person!” He sneered, an ugly look that marred his face, twisting his features. “You’re the prize I want. It’s time I had my turn.” Kaidan stepped forward. “And you want to kill us so no one remembers Admiral Shepard.” “Ah, so you aren’t just a pretty-faced idiot,” he taunted. Zaeed stepped forward behind him, getting closer to Kaidan. The clone pointed at his husband. “And it looks like someone needs to put down your guard dog. I don’t like it when they bite. In any case, a personality change caused by the traumatic death of his little cult? Easily explained.” “It will never work,” Ashley said, raising her voice. “Too many people know Regis. You’re just setting yourself up for failure.” “Really? How unlikely it is that he’s surrounded by people he could have so easily killed. All three of you were so close to dying by fire and brimstone, and yet you continue to follow him.” His gaze landed on Ashley. “And you continue to fuck him.” He leered at his husbands. “He made such a terrible mistake in keeping all of you alive. Should’ve left you two to burn on Virmire. And let him burn in the flames of his own mistakes.”

3. LOTSB - Regis/Kaidan/Zaeed, my LOTSB write up.

“You… died in that armor,” Vasir stated, echoing his earlier words.  “How the hell did she get it?” “You tell me, Vasir,” Regis spat, dropping the remnants of his scarf on the ground.  “Take whatever you need, Wren, for your dossier.  I need some fucking air.” There wasn’t exactly a private place to go, so he walked over to the balcony next to the bullet holes.  Zaeed joined him, leaning against the barrier.   Regis moved closer, the shoulders of their armor touching.  “Zaeed, I am going to be the worst goddamn hypocrite right now.” He shrugged.  “Don’t feel like you have to apologize for goddamn Zorya again.  None of us expected to see that.  What a fucking–” he shook his head.  “Don’t even have the goddamn words to say how angry I am on your behalf.” “She has to have my dog tags.  My ring.  God, she tore that off of my corpse!  Cerberus didn’t have the full armor…” Regis swallowed down bile.  “I felt violated before, but this?” He let out a shuddering breath.  “This is unforgivable.”

4. wanna get caught? - Kaidan/Zaeed, PWP exhibitionism and sick!Regis who is tired of their mothering and wants them out of the house.

Zaeed pulled him into a familiar alleyway not far from their apartment, quiet, dark, free of foot traffic. “You goddamn tease,” he growled, pushing him up against the wall, dimly lit by the neon lights of the strip just outside the entryway. “Is this why you wanted me out of the damn house?” Kaidan only laughed, tangling a hand in his hair as he started kissing at his neck, leaving biting, stinging little marks. He got Zaeed exactly where he wanted him. Riled up, horny, and desperate. His favorite Zaeed. A little teasing sitting side by side in a booth was just enough. A hand on a thigh. Leaning on his shoulder and teasing him with a kiss that turns into a nibble. A trip to the bathroom to prep himself with a plug, knowing Zaeed recognized the slight change in his gait. Another reason why Kaidan enjoyed going on dates with only Zaeed. He indulged him and his kinks oh so well, both loving the thrill of being in public. Almost out of sight. Almost out of mind. One stray look is all it takes for them to be caught.

5. nothing will shine as bright - Kaidan/Zaeed, post ME2 prologue, Zaeed meets the Alenkos (i've been working on this for ages rip)

He found himself halfway over to the barn where he and Regis kept their motorcycles. He thought back to the damn helmets Zaeed had made for them, not even knowing about their hobby but wanting them to share in his. Yet another thing that had in common. Yet another thing that would’ve made their relationship great. Footsteps crunched the leaves behind him, and he whirled around to see Zaeed, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. “Wasn’t about to leave you alone.” “Leaving me alone probably would’ve made them judge you even more,” he sighed, leaning against the wall of the barn. “I’m sorry.” “I wouldn’t make them the damn bad guys yet,” he said softly. “Just worried about their son who lost the love of his life and is shacking up with a guy damn near twice his age.” “Well, I’ll give them more to talk about.” Kaidan unlatched the door of the barn and headed inside. “Let’s go for a fucking ride.”

6. the SR-1 - Part of my Subject Zero!Kaidan series, primarily Regis/Zaeed.

It had been two fucking months.  Two months without hearing anything.  Sure, they’ve gone long stretches of time without talking to each other.  Normal in their line of work.  Not always able to send a quick message, especially with Regis’s N missions that typically required radio silence. But Kaidan’s mission was recon.  Typical UNC bullshit.  And a bit of a training venture for some new biotic recruits, as Kaidan had cemented himself into being an instructor like Regis if a need arose for it. It shouldn’t have been anything to worry about.   It never should have ended like it did. A whole squad, gone.  No sign of struggle.  No sign of battle.  As if they were never there. Nothing to give any sort of hope.   Two months since their last communication, well-wishes and ribbing about trainees and so much love.  And nothing after.   No investigation turned up anything useful.  Everyone lost hope day by day.  But Regis never did.  Zaeed never did, vowing to use what he could to look into it himself.   The Normandy was his only chance.

7. a beginning - Nyx/Kaidan, the aftermath of their one-night stand that turned into more.

Kaidan wasn’t quite sure what to think about the man lying in the bed a couple of feet away from the bathroom, watching him with those deep purple eyes that said a lot about him.  Gene modded, clearly, with a deep hue that contrasted his rough exterior.  He had to have been at least in his fifties, if not more, the skin marked by both war and natural aging. But one thing’s for sure, Nyx knew how to charm a man, even one that wasn’t normally for one night stands. “Doing okay in there?” he asked, making no move to cover himself up, turning towards him with a grin. “Just thinking,” Kaidan replied, dampening a washcloth with warm water, testing it with his hand before wringing it out.  “Dangerous,” he teased, running his hand down his chest, toying with those pierced nipples–and what a fucking surprise that was.  “Penny for your thoughts?” He was thinking about a lot, actually.  About how he thought he saw a flash of light blue rimmed around his eyes while he fucked deep into Nyx, pressing his weight into him, keeping a steady gaze on him, watching for any reaction that wasn't complete pleasure.  Biotics from a man far too old to be part of the first gen, much less any other stable gen.  Far too pure to be a trick of the light.  But maybe it was.

[herecomemac]

FINALLY headed to Fishman Island in One Piece!!!!

Random thoughts and the likes since before and right after Return to Sabaody under the cut.

Poor Usopp lost his melanin but still made me go GODDAMN when I saw him post timeskip 🤣 Made my fiancé burst out laughing bc he was my least favorite of the Straw Hats for quite a while, but THAT SLOT is now taken up by Sanji. 😤😤😤

I s2g when I get you, Sanji

Being a simp was fine, but OOF. Broke my heart, you motherfucker. (Hi, hello, nonbinary afab here, been mistaken as a man and followed into bathrooms since I hit puberty)

I would post this on my tiktok or bluesky but this is TOO MANY THOUGHTS to keep organized in a single post/video, so I think I'll start posting thoughts here instead (besides, with the tt ban coming for the US I'd still love to share thoughts on OP, even if I'm just screaming into the void again lmfao) and because I've been sick, I haven't been able to focus on drawing or posting videos so much

Franky is still my beloved boi (and is/has been age-appropriate for me, but that's beside the point) and he's only gotten goofier for his dumbass nephews lmao he's just more proud of the work he's done to himself with real materials over the last two years (and pretending to be a robot for the boys was very cute)

Robin losing her melanin also hurts, I see now why the fandom tends to overcorrect with skin tones in fanart not just for her and Usopp, but also for Luffy bc he's Brazilian!!!

On that note, VERY happy about Vivi's casting in the live action!!!! Her and Cobra are gonna be dark and it makes me so fucking happy!!!

Uhhh what else...

Ponytail Buggy, I get it now, Buggy Girlies. Still a MASSIVE piece of shit, but I recognize the reasoning now 🤣

Wild to have the top 4 guys of Baroque Works all helping out, didn't anticipate that shit when they all disappeared after Alabasta.

Iva is a DELIGHT and I love him (told my husband Sanji could have had sex with him ONCE and gotten over himself 🙄 fiancé (bisexual) laughed and said that it would take some level of self-awareness and getting over himself anyway there, to which i agree)

The fake Straw Hats? I was able to clock EVERYONE pretty quickly, but Franky's VA, Zoro's VA, and Brook's VA all slipped me up a little (I kept being like "why does that sound like Oolong from DB????" on one of them, but i laughed hysterically with every one of them. I'm an animation nerd and aspired to be a VA from the time I was 12 lmfao a lot of these people are my heroes)

Speaking of VAs, Matthew Mercer jumpscare in Sabaody as Law 🤣🤣🤣

(Yes, I'm watching it dubbed, I've been learning Japanese but I'm nowhere good enough to not watch subbed yet lmfao)

In love with Jinbe as a character, Kid can suck my dick, poor Kuma, Franky with the "pirate button" nearly ended my life, I was laughing so hard, Rayleigh is insane, Fan Letter made me SOB, and so did We Go! and hearing Luffy say he's gonna be king of the pirates for the first time in like 100 episodes.

Sanji needs to get it the fuck together

Perona having a plushie of her bear she "hated" upset me 😭

Mihawk is, in fact, just a goth dad hottie, shocker

SOUL KING BROOK IS SUCH A VIBE!!!!

I hope Gecko Moria is dead

Duval turned out to be a great character lmfao

The Strong World drip is IMMACULATE

God I'm tired and still burning through episodes lmfao

Thanks for reading, I'm so damn tired 🤣

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Tumblr Is Dead, But, I'm still going to fucking Wright This !

. . .

you see the thing I said about the whole male thing is a 100% fucking true.

you see in this universe, All thing's masculine it revolved around by fucking everything.

This is going to get reported because women are hypersensitive and anything that hurts their feelings Thay Go on the attack but they Rather just feel and get hurt Rather Think and Understand.

🤨 - I'm Not Calling You Stupid, I've Just Had a Fuck Ton of A Experience With Humanity, a Extremely Alien Race)Clade in a Purely Alien Universe. That I & my People Don't Belong in.

This is a Paradox !

( Back, to the Point )

. . . . . .

The Women In This Universe Are Extremely Weak compared to the man they're much smaller than the men weaker than the men depending on the fucking men and that's what start the whole goddamn I Don't Need No Man movement.

but what are these goddamn women know that in the end they all a lot of them ended up crying on the internet saying they need a man and they were they regret the feminist movement and they regret being part of the marches and they screamed on the internet and I seen fucking at this point hundreds of thousands of sorries from like hundreds of thousands of fucking women my eyes are sick and tired of seeing that I sorry I made those fucking videos apologies on the internet I'm sick of seeing those goddamn things of feminists regretting being a feminist !

( Check, Tik Tok )

my eyes are fucking bleeding I'm so sick of seeing so many of them. in this universe life revolves around the man but in our universe life revolved around the woman.

in this universe all the species seem to be male trying to get the female to fuck them and it's always man no matter what animal cat dog bug even in this universe doesn't fucking matter and this God damn alien broken universe ! ( broken to me cuz I don't belong here )

the man revolve around the women and yet the men support the women.

the female is a second class citizen everywhere in nature but in our universe it was the opposite men were kind of like a second class citizen and the women took the stage.

in this universe men are put on a pedestal and glorified as male domination is sacred and sexy for a woman but in our universe it was the opposite female domination is sexy and sacred !

in our universe there was only a female hierarchy males didn't have a hierarchy we just each other based off our quality but that's about as far as it goes.

in the universe I'm in right now speaking to you this universe has a male hierarchy but women don't have a hierarchy they just kind of judge each other based on Quality kinda ?

. . .

Hierarchy it is also tied to the spirituality of the universe and all meaning and purpose in our universe it was that way female hierarchy was tied the spirituality the universe and the Creator exactly the fucking thing exactly the motherfucking Same. and it wasn't that the women invented religion we all discovered and learned the truth we all learned and that's why things became the way they were because of spiritual science and truth of the universe, Aka Deep Enlightenment !

. . .

but our women were big and extremely fucking strong they were fucking massive mighty they were unbelievably powerful.

( And, Yes There EYE's, Were as Big as a "Anime" Character - or - 👽 <- Big Ol 🐛 Bug 🪲 Eye's ! )

( our women were much taller than us, just as man in this universe are much taller than the women. the blue bug is female the purple bug is Zim & it's a Male )

. . .

Just As Men In This World are That God Damn Way & they're utterly big and strong and mighty and tough.

In this Universe man protect the women in my universe women protected the men. if they weren't eating them, or dominating them, or Spraying Pheromones in there fucking face, that forcing to get an erection and forcing sex on them. Law & Order DIDN'T Exist in Our Universe ! it Was TRULY a Dark And Wile Universe, More Wild then a Wild, Wild West !

I'm not Going To Go Too Deep, I don't think Tumblr, Want Me To Say Anymore.

you see in my universe things were very different even the Divinity of this Universe, I'm speaking to you right now is it it is based around Male because I even heard a lot of stories of aliens and the aliens talk about God's Never Goddesses.

! But, in my universe I used to explore with my spirit and just wander around and all I saw was females and goddesses and pure feminine or an energy everywhere in my goddamn Universe they were barely any Gods at all my universe was really a matriarch as a universe I speak to you right now is truly a deeply deeply patriarch.

The Universe I come from with female but the universe I'm in right now is male.

[nyctx]

#19

I think I'm just miserable at this point. Today sucked and all I want to do is change myself again or roll into the fucking grave. Wait, that's pathetic, very pathetic.

This a diary basically, I could give a fuck if it is pathetic, not like I plan on sharing this shit with anyone anyways. And besides, who wants to hear someone ramble about their woes all fucking day? Exactly.

I went to see Ghostbusters with my family today and all it was today was jokes and jokes galore on how I resemble and look like Pheobe so much. Comments, jokes, remarks, all of it was fucking irritating. I haven't looked like her in over a YEAR and have stopped trying to act like the nerdy curly haired girl that always has something to say. Because god forbid I get sick and tired of hearing the same things OVER and OVER again. All for what? Because it's a compliment? Because I should be grateful I get compared to a fucking Mary Sue? Is that how people see me? That part of me died, a long time ago. I changed for a reason, a purpose. Because that side of me got me ridiculed and ostracized by my peers for YEARS. All because I acted different, because I lacked social cues no one guided me or helped me to learn. Because I was non conforming at the bright age of fucking FIVE. You think I WANT to be compared to something that just gives me a slap to my fucking face and reminds me I can't change? That I'll forever be the little kid that WANTED friends because no one else batted an eye after a while? That the only friends I had pitied me and made me feel unimportant?

That part of me wanted to kill themselves, wanted nothing but the absolute worst to happen to themselves because they felt so shitty that the only thing they thought they deserved was death. That part of me lived thinking no one cared about them because their mom was always busy working and their dad could give less of a shit because he was working and absent. They lived thinking everyone would eventually hate them for the smallest thing, they let those eggshells sink deeper and deeper into their fucking feet until it replaced the flesh and embedded into their agonized body. Until they sat years later trying to pluck out each shard and letting their feet heal.

So God forbid. God fucking forbid I hate being compared to something that brings me back to feeling like a pathetic piece of shit. God forbid I start hiding my tears because I haven't healed and can't cope with those memories. God forbid I hate compliments because they remind me of the lies kids told me when I was younger to get a rise out of me and crush me. God forbid I hate feeling vulnerable because of how much it feels like a leech.

All for me to feel bad? Feel bad because I'm afraid of making my mom so upset that she tries to end her life again. One wrong move, one wrong thing said on a bad day, it could all go to shit and then who would be to blame? Me, because I don't know when to keep my fucking mouth shut, but then regret it because it makes my mom feel shitty. But why would I feel bad? Why would I ever open up to her knowing that all that will be thrown at me is a half assed dismissal to invalidate how I feel. I dont know, I just distract myself until it hits me. I'll be having the time of life before my brain goes "your mom tried killing herself on her birthday, keep your tongue bitten and make sure you do what is said or she might try again because you didnt listen." Because at the end of the day, her and my step dads feelings matter more, not us. At the end of the day, what I say doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'm just a puppet on a string the second I get home. I'm just a pawn, a doll, a goddamn blinded dog being led to my death. That's all I'll be, a slave and a floor mat. IT affects just me feeling in control of myself. It feels like a temporary mutism. I'm so afraid of the thought of getting that call saying that shes gone, that she didn't keep their promise. Death is unexpected, and depression is a damn monster.

I should've been ran over by both of those cars, I should've successfully hung myself in that garage, I should've been able to swallow down those pills, I should've been aborted like the unwanted child my biological dad saw in the first place. I. Shouldn't. Be. Here.

Before I laid down, my mom tried getting me to talk to her about how I felt. Wow, after every time I've heard her and my step dad say their feelings are to be prioritized more, I should open up? I couldn't even get through that minute without tearing up and turning my body to the side so that my mom couldn't see the pathetic child she raised.

"No.." I walked back to my room and then stopped "..er, no ma'am." And then went back to my room because all my mom wants to hear is that she implemented manners and raised "Good kids". Now I sit here wanting to sob my eyes out.

Because I feel guilty for not feeling guilty for shutting my mom out after years of being invalidated and talked down because I'm "just a kid." Because at the end of the day, that's all I'll ever be to her. But she's had it worse. Do you really think she needs her kid telling her that they're stressed because of something that seems so miniscule compared to her ever growing problems? She needs something else to worry about as if she doesn't have enough to worry about enough? I can't do that to her.

I feel....like a monster. My mom and her boyfriend had just given me this lecture, and I just feel horrible about the whole thing. Lets start off with the fact this all originated from my birthday dinner, my sister told me that her mom and her siblings were leaving my father figure at the end of the month and that it would the last times we'd see each other and she said I cant tell anyone. I feel like the biggest hypocrite as to why i was so upset about this. I told my mom at least two days or so after, which led her to tell my father figure even though i feared what would happen if i told someone else. She said it was inappropriate for her to tell me on that day even though i saw no problem with it. After that, my sister stopped reaching out, and I felt like I had lost the ability to trust my mom. Things were just quiet and i blamed myself for the entire thing because I felt like it was my fault, even though everyone says it wasnt, but i still blame myself because if i didnt tell my mom, it wouldnt have happened. Then my sister reached out to me and i told my mom and she tried asking for screenshots of the conversation, but I feel so so so uncomfortable with the thought of it, so i told her no. She asked again and I said "didn't you say that the last time?" and she got upset and called me selfish. How I can trust my sister after she hurt me on multiple accounts but not her. She thinks she right and I honestly think im the wrong one in this situation, that its my fault because i cant keep my damn mouth shut. But fails to realize that it's easier to trust her because I don't see her everyday, she can forget it. I live with my mom everyday and live with each mistake and each time my step dad tells me the things I do or lack make her feel shitty about herself. She said shes not going to apologize for it, she thinks shes right. Im just a kid, and she's the parent. She wants control - no, needs it over the situation, or else she starts self-deprecating, and god knows what happens if it gets bad. Im afraid of what would happen if it did get bad.

-Dxllface

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

"MOUTH SICK" FREE VERSION I'm pretty sure I got all of it changed out. But if I missed anything, please let me know.

ORIGINAL VERSION

@k-shire Here you go ;)

Potential TW ::: Difficulty conceiving.

A/N ::: I am so tired tonight that this was not super proofed. This was an ask that came via my messages. They wanted a story with the spicy and the sweet parts of Kats & F.reader tryin' for a baby. I hope it has all the elements you wanted and that you like it!

C/W ::: Aged up Kats x f.reader, facial fluids being discharged (snot, tears). Oral M->F Quite a bit of P->V. Lovey dovey stuff, sweet moments between 2 people who just want a freakin' baby. Ok? 😭

WC ::: 4,923 +/- (Jesus christ, I'm so sorry. This totally got away from me and I don't even know how.)

"Hey babe, it's me." Katsuki said in his typical growly voice. "I guess you're still at work or somethin'. Anyway, I'll be home tomorrow night. Also, I'been holdin' back. So, be ready for me. I love you, call me if ya want."

Katsuki was out of town on a job. He's been gone for almost a week now, the longest you two have been apart since you got married, almost 2 years ago. You missed him, sure. But when he came home, stomping through the entryway, yelling for you, it was the best feeling to be wrapped up in his arms and smooshed into his chest.

The two of you have been leaving yourselves open to having a baby for about 4 months now. It hasn't been constant trying, but the longer it goes that you're not getting pregnant, the more you feel like you're needing to take this more seriously. You started reading up on the most productive positions to get the result you're looking for, studying what you can do before and after you do the deed. How to check your basal temperature. When doctor intervention becomes more than a discussion and an absolute necessity.

The phone beeps, alerting you to your missed call and voicemail. "What ... oh, damn it." You listen to the message Katsuki left you and couldn't help the soft pink blush that spread over your face and chest. No man had ever made you feel the way he has. You had been pretty reserved until he helped you tap into your inner slutty girl. It sounds bad, but you've not looked back once since he brought you out of your little sexual shell. And why should you? Every time you're with him you swear it's the best sex you've ever had. Point being, you got really lucky to have him love you and be able to love him.

Pushing #1 on speed dial, you hear the other line ringing and start praying to whatever gods would listen to you that he'd answer his phone.

"Hey brat. Y'ignorin' me now or some shit like that? The fuck ya think ya are?" You could hear him choke out a laugh. The background noise was almost louder than he was.

"You know it, you caught me. Trying to ignore you. What're you gonna do about it?" You giggled when you heard his breath hitch in his throat. Your voice got low and breathy, "You gonna punish me, hm? Good luck catching me, Kats."

The phone crackled a few times before you heard him, "Hey! Y'there? Babe!? Goddamn it, this shit ass fuc---" and then you heard nothing.

"K-Kats? Hello? Are you ... are you there? Oh." You tossed the phone on the couch and pouted. "Things were just about to get good, too." You whined to the cat. But you knew they didn't care. They were Kats' anyway. They merely tolerated you until they were hungry and then they were your biggest fan.

A chime rang out into the quiet room and you pounced on it. A text from Katsuki, "Sorry, shit reception here. I'll try to call you from the hotel later. XXX"

It was about 6pm. Too early for bed, too late to go anywhere. So you curled up on the couch and watched your wedding video. You laughed and cried about how stupid you felt for missing him so much. He's only been gone a week and he'll be home tomorrow. Less than 24 hours and you would be together again.

You woke up to the sun forcing its way through the edges of the window coverings. "He's coming home today! He ... is finally coming home today!" A contented sigh heaved its way from your chest as you stood and stretched the uncomfortable position you slept in from your body. And then immediately a wave of dizziness washed over you. "The f-," you covered your eyes and stumbled as best you could with limited vision to the bathroom. Turning on the faucet, you splashed cool water on your face . "Mmm ..." Your eyes roamed to the bathroom cupboard. The dizziness faded and soon your body followed your eyes' lead and you bent down to open the door and pull out a pregnancy test.

You peed on the plastic receptacle and set the timer you'd bought specially for the bathroom, only to hurry up and wait for the next 3 minutes.

"Oh." You tried so hard not to let yourself get wrapped up in the hope that all of your fun and hard work had finally paid off. But it still hurt. It always hurt. It was a relief though, that Katsuki wasn't here to have to go through this again. He always somehow got more excited than you at the prospect of you becoming parents. 'There's plenty uh’time, ma,' he always says to you whenever the result is another negative.

It would be several hours before he'd be home, so you put yourself together and set out to grocery shop. You decided to stop by your favorite little boutique and look around at the lingerie. Maybe that would help cheer you up and raise moral to romp around with your husband. You laughed at the stupid thought. It was always fun to be with Katsuki.

You managed to knock all of your tasks out in a couple of hours and drove home to get stuff put away. You still wanted to shower, put on the new lingerie you bought and figure out what to do for dinner. Take-out was calling your name tonight.

In the shower, you started to think about how much you loved Katsuki. And a familiar, warm, tingly feeling started to bloom in the pit of your stomach. Unconsciously, you began rubbing your thighs together trying to alleviate the pressure - however pleasant it might be - building there. It was a dangerous game you were playing here. If you rubbed them too much, you know you'd get beyond frustrated and have to take care of this on your own. And there was nothing you wanted more than for him to be the one to alleviate this pent up tension in your body. Seeing as he was the one causing it, it only seemed fair.

Hurrying to finish washing up, you managed to get out of there with only a little bit of lingering agitation. Perhaps agitation was too strong a word. But you missed him so much there was no other word you could think of to replace it.

All wrapped up in a towel, you went to your room and looked over the clothes you had laid out for tonight. The dress you chose was newer, you picked it up a month or so ago, but haven't had the chance to wear it. It’s so new that he hasn't even seen it on you. The lingerie was a strappy black 1 piece and it looked so confusing to you. But you wanted to look nice for him. You knew he would love it for the whole 30 seconds it was on you before he tore it off. Yet you couldn't help but feel a little bit nervous about his homecoming.

It all felt so new to you for some strange reason.

His Jeep pulled into the driveway and your heart all but stopped beating. Your face got hot and you felt like you were going to faint again. "Jesus, calm yourself, y/n. You're married for Christ's sake. Have been for over 2 years. He is your husband. He already loves you." But you didn't believe a word you said to yourself.

You ran to the bedroom to take one last quick glance at your appearance. Smoothing down the dress at your stomach, you noticed it didn't sit quite like it did when you first bought it. You just chalked it up to a little bit of stress eating with Katsuki being gone, and you trying to stay cool about (not) getting pregnant. It just caught up to you. No matter. He's home.

The front door opened and you heard his heavy footsteps. Music to your ears. "Babe? 'M home. Get yer ass ov-", You peeked your head out of the bedroom and gave him a sassy smile. "There you are, fuck, missed you so much. Don't move." He tossed his keys onto the kitchen table and walked toward you like he was hunting you. Like if he moved to quickly you'd get startled and run away from him. Little did he know that it would take a lot more than him running at you to make you even flinch.

"I missed you too, Kats. So much." You whispered as he got closer. He reached out for you and pulled you flush against him, his mouth immediately finding yours. His lips were so soft and warm and he smelled so good. You couldn't resist the urge to kiss him deeper, and you let your tongue brush his bottom lip. He growled and held you tighter.

"Fuck, y’taste so good. Yer gonna kill me. I can't wait for you any longer. All of you. Every part of you." He kissed your cheek and then your ear, sucking the lobe into his mouth and tugging on it with his teeth. You moaned and ground your hips into his. The sensation of his hardness rubbing against you made you ache with need.

"Oh God. Please. I need you so much." Every brush of his fingers against your body left a trail of raised, peach fuzz hairs in their wake. You were panting now, trying to catch your breath from his lips on your skin. He pulled back and looked at you, his eyes shining with love and lust. "I love you so much, babe."

"I love you too, Katsuki." Your voice was breathy and quiet, almost like you were afraid to say it.

He leaned in and kissed you again, this time with more heat and intensity. His hands found their way to your ass and he squeezed, eliciting a whimper from your lips. "Let's go to bed." He grabbed your hand and led you to the bedroom.

You walked in and he pushed you onto the bed. You squealed and giggled as you bounced. He stood over you and started to unbutton his shirt. His abs and pecs were on display for you. You couldn't help but lick your lips at the sight of his muscles moving as he shrugged his shirt off his shoulders. He moved to unbuckle his belt and you got a little nervous. He was so hot and you felt like you couldn't keep up with him. But he always managed to make you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.

As he took his pants off, you got up and stood in front of him so he could unzip the dress. "You make this dress look so fuckin' beautiful, babe. Goddamn. So sexy. But y'know, 's much as I love this, 'm dying to see what's underne- Hoh fuck. Th- you- fuck that's hot. This new?" He asked as he covered his mouth with his right hand and shook his head slowly.

"You like it?" You blushed hard.

"Do I fuckin' like it. C'mere. Fuckin' c'mere and I'll show you just how much I like it." He pulled you close and kissed your lips, your neck, your chest. You could feel him hard and throbbing against your lower stomach. It was driving you wild.

He turned you around and began to kiss your shoulders. He moved the straps of the lingerie down and bit your skin gently. "Ah! Katsuki, please. Please touch me. I need you."

"Patience. G’na take my time with you. Got about 6 days to make up for, darlin'. Lemme have this. Lemme have you."

He turned you back around and kissed you deeply. He held you close and you could feel the heat radiating from his body. "I am so glad you're home, Kats." You whispered while you pulled him to the bed.

You laid there and let him take over, let him do what he wanted. And what he wanted was to drive you crazy. He kissed every inch of your body, making sure to pay extra attention to your most sensitive parts.

"You work out this week or somethin'?" He asked between kissing your hot skin. He moved down to your belly. "Fuck, you're just so ..." he growled against your skin as he breathed you in. "Your tits look fantastic. You're so ... gah ... I dunno. You're just so soft." He ran his hands over your curves and squeezed your hips.

You pulled his hair and guided him to your core. "Katsuki, need ... need your mouth." He obliged and licked a stripe up your slit, his tongue pressing firmly against your clit and you jumped back. "Hohmygod, Kats! Fuck!!"

"S'sensitive for me," he dove back in and started to suck on your clit, swirling his tongue around it and then flattening it and moving it side to side, "Fumkin' lub et." You felt like you were going to burst. The feeling was overwhelming and you felt yourself get close to the edge faster than you could ever remember.

"Katsu- kugh, ohmygod, I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ..." You grabbed his head and pushed him further into you. He moaned and his hands dug into your thighs as he kept working your swollen cunt.

"Cum for me, baby. Show me how fuckin’ hard y’can cum for me. Lemme see that pretty pussy cum for me." He moved back down and started sucking and licking your clit again, his fingers sliding inside you and hitting that spot you love so much.

Your whole body tensed up and you felt yourself explode all over his fingers and tongue. "Katsuki!!!" You screamed and bucked your hips against his face, chasing your orgasm. You could feel him smiling against your skin as you rode out your pleasure against his face and hands. You didn't know what you were rubbing yourself against but there was no part of you that could stop it from happening.

"G'girl. Fuck, you taste s'good, babe. Kinda diff’rent. More tart. Lemony." He kissed your thigh and then crawled up to kiss you. "Gonna fuck a baby into you now." He smiled down at you, much more sweetly than his intentions actually were and held your legs open so he could slide himself inside you.

"Mmmm, yes ... please, want you … in me." You whined as he started to push himself in. He was big, you were used to it. But tonight you needed a minute or two to adjust to his size. It felt like you were clenching down on him, almost purposely. Making it more difficult for him to push himself entirely inside of you. 

"Jesus fuck, you sure you weren't doing some pussy push-ups r'somethin'? You're so tight, babe. Feels so fuckin' good. But … Jesus."

You couldn't control your laughter at him calling kegel exercises 'pussy push-ups'. It was so stupid, but it made you feel warm and loved that he cared enough to notice things like that. "I've been practicing, yeah." You smirked and he leaned in and kissed you again.

"Good. So fuckin' good. Now, g'na fuck you 'til you can't stand it. I'm gonna cum in that hot pussy and make you the sexiest ma on the face of the planet." He growled against your lips as he started to move inside you.

You lost track of time and your body just reacted to him. He was rough and tender. Everything you needed and more. The two of you singing this song of moans in unison sounded better than any of your favorite songs ever had. His grunts and growls filled the room, as he fucked you harder and harder, so too, did your moaning and muttering of how good he felt get louder.

"Kats ... gonna cum again. Pleasepleaseplease ... you gotta cum first! It w- oh god - it works better if you cum first ... I think! Hurry up!" You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him deeper into you. You could feel your walls tightening and pulsating around his cock and it was the most exquisite feeling.

"Bah, fuck, I'm close babe. Gonna fill you up so good. Fuck, gonna fill you up with my cum." He grabbed your legs and pushed them back so your knees were against your chest and your ankles were at his ears. He held onto the back of your legs and pounded into you with all the strength he had left in him.

"Yesyesyes! Katsuki! Cum in me!" You were on the edge of your orgasm and you couldn't hold it at bay any longer. You felt the hot wetness of his seed filling you up and you let yourself go, your pussy clenched around his cock.

He stayed inside you for a minute or two, panting and kissing your forehead. Droplets of sweat fell from his face to yours. It was disgustingly intimate. You had never felt closer to him. Physically or emotionally.

"I love you." He whispered, his breath warm against your skin.

"I love you." You whispered back.

And with that, he rolled off of you and snuggled up against your back, his hand resting on your stomach. The two of you fell asleep a short time later. Still happily tangled up in one another.

The next morning you awoke to Katsuki gently rolling his cock against your ass. You turned your head as best you could to see him, but when you managed to, you saw that he was still fast asleep. It didn't diminish the arousal that began to creep its way through your body, though.

You rolled over and kissed his face, whispering sweet nothings to him as you tried to wake him. "Kaaats, you wanna go again?" Running your hand down his chest and stomach, stopping about halfway down his happy trail, he opened his eyes slowly and gave you a half smile that looked so sexy on him.

"Mornin' babe. Wha' was I doin'?" He asked, looking down at his erection. "Ah. Was havin' a really ... really good dream 'bout you. Wan' me to show ya what we were doin'?" He flopped onto his back and pulled you on top of him so you were straddling his waist. "Y'so fuckin' wet already. Damn woman. You could put out a fire with that pussy. Hm-hm. Let's start one first though, yeah?" His hands dug into the plush of your hips and pushed/pulled you over him.

Your cunt wrapped so perfectly around him made him let out the most guttural of moans that caused you to clench around nothing. But he felt it and moaned again. It was becoming a vicious little cycle: He'd moan, your body would react, so on and so forth.

He pulled you up, grabbing underneath your ass and lifted you so you were hovering just over his cock. You rolled your head forward to look at him as you slid down, putting just the head inside of you.

"Don't be a fuckin' tease." He growled at you and tried to pull you down, his cock twitching at the denial of the possibility of complete envelopment. "Fucking hell, you're so bratty. Gonna make you pay for this," he laughed.

"Sorry, can't hear you over how good just the head of your cock feels while I'm bouncin' on it." You smirked at him as you wiggled your hips side to side.

He reached up and grabbed your neck, pulling you down to him as he thrust up into you. "I said, don't be a fucking tease," he hissed out through a clenched jaw.

You felt your eyes roll back and your body tense up as he filled you completely. It was almost too much to handle. "Katsu ... ki ... ah, fu-ughh, fuck! Don't stop!" You couldn't hold on anymore. You ground your hips against him as you came, your pussy fluttering and gripping his cock so tightly he couldn't help but follow you over the edge.

All of a sudden, you stopped riding out the last waves of your orgasm. Sitting on top of him still, you put your hand over your forehead and you looked down at him with a vacant look in your eyes. "Umm ..." you shook your head when he asked if you were ok. "Hm-mm." He helped you off of him and all but dragged your post-o, jellied, naked body to the bathroom and sat you on the edge of the bathtub.

"Y'fuckin' sick'er somethin', babe? Got the flu? What the hell's goin' on?" His brows furrowed and he scowled at you. You knew it was out of concern, not frustration.

You shook your head, trying to compose yourself after something so poorly timed. Hating yourself for doing this right now. Right after such an intimate moment. While he was standing there, staring at you, riding out your dizziness. Naked. "Don't know … fuck, So dizzy though.” 

He squatted down next to you and held your hair up off the back of your neck with his right hand and fanned your back with his left. "'M not fuckin' leavin' you. Not for fuckin' nothin'. Y'fuckin' hear me? Better or worse. Sickness and health and all that other shit. Just shut up and feel better. 'L be right here for ya."

The amount of tears and snot that left your face was disgusting. You'd never had such floodgates open like this before. Crying like that and the snot running from your nose. You were an actual mess. But he stood by you through all of it.

"Hey, babe ... d'ya ... ah shit. D'ya think yer pregnant?" Katsuki asked as you stood from the floor, moving slowly toward the sink to wash your face off. The sparkle in his eyes was undeniable. And it killed you that you had to tell him you weren't.

You leaned over the sink, your face in your hands, and started crying. "I ... oh, Kats. I'm ... I'm not. I took a test a couple of days ago. I didn't w-", his hands on your back silenced you. They were, to date, the most important hands in the world to you. They were strong. They were soft and warm and they are all encompassing. If there were any kind of god, you would live out the rest of your days under his hands.

"Why didn't you tell me? I don't want you carryin’ this all by yourself, y/n. What we don't succeed in doing together, we share the hardships and overcome that ... together. I'm so sorry, babe. I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I shouldn'ta left ya for so long." He spoke to you so quietly. Like his words would be the thing that finally throws you over the edge. The thing that finally breaks you.

"Maybe I ate something." You ran your forearm across your dry lips and hobbled back to the bed to bury yourself in the blankets. "I'm sorry, Kats. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I won't do that again, promise." He walked over to you and sat down on the edge and brushed the hair from your face.

"G'na get you some 7-up 'n a cold washcloth. Be right back, babe." You watched him walk out of the bedroom and turn down the hallway. His butt jiggling ever so slightly. It made you smile. And it made you feel something else.

"The hell ...?" You sat up in bed and realized that you were horny. Again. Katsuki came back a minute later with what he promised you. Something to drink and a cold, wet cloth for you to put on your face. Smiling as he handed you this stuff, you pulled him in close to you and kissed him on the cheek all the way down to his neck.

"Oh, babe. Yer jus' so ... hah. No matter what. Even with your hair matted to your face and your eyes puffy and red. I love you." He leaned over and kissed your forehead.

"Don't say it." You smiled at him. It was almost like you knew what he was going to say. And you couldn't bear to hear it. Not right now. You had no idea where you two stood in that department. You weren't ready to admit that to each other. Not yet. Not right now.

He smiled back and laid down next to you, spooning you from behind. He ran his hand along your waist and stomach, over and over. It was relaxing. And it was a little bit arousing, but you managed to keep yourself at bay. You had just been seriously dizzy, after all.

"I'm sorry, Kats. I'm sorry I can't give us the baby we want. I'm sorry I'm so fucking broken." You choked on your words as tears started to well in your eyes. "I'm so sorry."

He shifted behind you and held you tighter. "Babe, you're not broken. 'Sides, who says it ain't me? Maybe we should make a doctors appointment, yeah? Get my count tested and all that shit. Whatcha say?"

You sniffed and wiped your face with the washcloth. It felt good against your hot face. "You - Kats, you'd do that? You'd have your sperm count checked?" Rolling over to face him, you took his face in your hands and held it there while the two of you just stared at each other.

"Fuckin' never said I wouldn't! Course I will. 'F we ever wanna get to the bottom of this, we hafta explore every possibility, right?" He ran a rough finger along your cheek to collect the freshly fallen tears and wipe them on the sheets. You made an ick face at him and he told you to pipe down, they need to be changed anyway after the night you two just had on them.

A couple of weeks past and he had his appointment with the fertility specialist where they ran a count on Kats. They called and said his sperm was 'abnormally high and active'. Their exact words were, "We have never seen anything like it in our careers." He didn't shut up about it for 3 days.

This left you in a fog. Surely, you were the reason you two couldn't conceive. It made you feel like absolute shit. No matter what he said to you, it didn't lift the guilt you were trying to carry all on your own. You thought he shouldn't have to hurt when he wasn't the problem. This complex was exhausting you and you could feel yourself slipping deeper into sadness.

You went to the clinic at the end of the day that Friday, the last appointment they had for the week. They drew your blood and told you they would be in touch on Monday or Tuesday about the next step after they had a chance to evaluate the sample for any obvious discrepancies.

It was Saturday morning and you were both sitting on the back porch eating breakfast when your phone rang. "It's the clinic, Kats. You answer. I don't want to talk to them. They probably found a plastic bag where my uterus is supposed to be." You pushed your phone across the little glass tabletop and got up, carrying the dishes into the kitchen to wash them off.

"Yeah babe, on it. Hello? N-no. You're trying to reach Bakugou? Well, shit. Yeah. That's me, I mean ... I'm her husband, Katsuki. Yes! The man with incredible sperm!" He laughed, you cringed. "Wait, what? No, that's not ... I mean ...," his voice got quiet and he got up, walking across the yard to mess with a fence piece.

You watched him out there fiddle with the broken wooden slat and felt your heart breaking into even smaller pieces. "Fuck." You whispered, looking down at the tiny bubbles popping on the soaking dishes. A tear dripped from your chin and landed on your chest, darkening a spot on your gray Dynamight shirt.

Katsuki came walking into the kitchen and came over to you, putting his hands on your shoulders, he turned you to face him. "Hey, ma?" Getting down on his knees, he put his hands on your waist and smooshed his face into your tummy. "Ma?"

"Are you having a fucking stroke or something? What are you doing, dumbass?" You wiped your chin and huffed out a short, insincere laugh. "Kats, what did - what'd they say. Is it me? Am I ..."

"Yes, babe. It's you. It's you … and the little grenade you're carrying. You're ... we're ... having a baby, y/n. You're fuckin' pregnant." He beamed up at you, tears in his wide eyes. 

"It's you, babe. You and me. And … and … and a little us in you. We did it, y/n. We're gonna have a family!"

You covered your mouth with your hands and cried. Not just a few tears, but a full-on ugly cry. You were going to be a mom. Katsuki was going to be a dad. And this was just the beginning of your lives as a family.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe in us. I'm sorry I let myself think for a second that it wouldn't be us. Us. Just us. I'm so happy it's us." You bent over and kissed his forehead. He stood and wrapped you in his arms and you both just stood there letting this new beautiful reality sink in.

The future was yours and yours alone … well, and Kats’ and the babies, of course.

[chonnyjashh]

WARNING: VAGUEPOSTING, RANTING, SICK OF A PARTNER'S BULLSHIT.

Don't read if you're the person this is about— You know who you are. We met on Amino a few years back.

Idk where else to put this shit so people can see it, but here goes. The reason I don't talk to of yall much anymore is bc I am WELL over getting treated like your fucking therapist, or your sex toy, or a vessel for all your god damn mental illness you refuse to get help for. I made a God damm EFFORT for MONTHS to reconnect with some of yall, who will not be named- And you simply cannot be bothered to maintain a God damn conversation with me, the motherfucker who let you talk about literal ILLEGAL ASS SHIPS between content creators who said many times they're uncomfortable being shipped, let you get me involved with actual motherfucking creeps and sexual predators, let you convince me to block SEVERAL close friends bc you didn't like that they were playfully flirting wit me-

EVEN WORSE, I put up with the mcfucking deadnaming and MISGENDERING during a certain thing I was forced into after, once again, I was proven to not be enough- The same thing that led to both me AND you being sexually abused over the internet for a short period, all bc you HAD to have more than just me, bc I wasn't enough-

And yet somehow I fucking know, every god damn time I read your shitty, vague ass statuses, and ur bio, bc I care enough to check ur account and make sure you aren't threatening to jump off a god damn bridge at 4 in the motherfucking morning again- That you have the god damn NERVE to be pissed off at me for not reaching out either. OF FUCKING COURSE I DONT? Your ass doesn't bother to reply when I try to! And the one time I brought this up to the other person who's supposed to be a part of our relationship, he went and blabbed off to you, leading to you CALLING ME SELFISH?

God, how I wish I had let your ass dump me. Or better yet, called you out for being a raging, narcissistic asshole, and left you myself.

ABSOLUTELY FUCK YOU, BRO.

I can't dump your ass. Though I desperately want to. You've paid for a lot of goddamn food and shit for me. Honestly at this point I'm only staying with you bc I feel bad for letting you pay for my meals. Plus 3 years is a lot of time to up and waste on a relationship.

But oh, how I fantasize about blocking you. About ghosting your pathetic self like you ghosted me.

This relationship used to make me happy, bro. Now I am- Beyond fucking bitter. The thing that set me off is stupid. Seeing your fucking vent status, as usual.

What are you even on about. Guessing something bad happened- I don't want to ask. I don't wanna feel sorry for the man who ships fucking Tommyinnit and Techno, even after Techno literally died irl. I don't wanna feel sorry for the man who forced me to act out sexual assault scenes and got bitter and icy with me if I said I didn't want to. KNOWING I have rape trauma.

I don't like you, dude. You know who you are, you know why I'm angry, and I'm tired of you spinning it back on me.

So- All in all, yeah. I'm not making an effort. But ain't that what you fucking wanted? For me to stop trying? The way you ignore me sure makes it seem that way.

Also, the reason I don't DM you is bc we are supposed to be in a poly thing. I'm trying to include him, unlike you. Unless yall shit talk me behind my back. Fuck you if you do.

Signed,

[MY NAME ISNT FUCKING MAWCE YOU IGNORANT CUNT, IT HASNT BEEN FOR LIKE ALMOST TWO YEARS NOW. READ MY PRONOUNS PAGE ONCE IN A WHILE MAYBE.]

Chonny.

[n30n-le0n]

Okay. Writing in this stupid journal for my stupid mental health or whatever.

….that’s not really fair, I guess. I’m just still angry at. Most of everyone. Three especially. Fuck him.

….that’s mean too. Well. Maybe if I get it down in writing it’ll feel better.

I’m tired of having to deal with bullshit all the goddamn time lately. Especially with Three and Theatre. God. Especially them. Especially Three’s habit of picking a fight over the stupidest goddamn things.

You’d think after the Krang and almost getting eaten by a demon and everything else I’d finally get a chance to relax, but noooooo, we just have to pile bullshit after bullshit on top of me. If it isn’t this, it’s people just throwing magic spells at me all the damn time—

Ugh. I just.....

I can't handle this stuff all the time. I can't have people around me constantly picking at each other all the time. I don't know what to do about it! The stuff that usually works, which is walking away from the problem, isn't helping. Because suddenly everyone expects me to help with stuff. It feels unfair!

Is that whiny? I don't know. But I'm just a kid. I shouldn't have to deal with any of this. My brother being sick, Three's whole thing, Bee being in trouble....but if I don't do it, who else is going to.

Which I guess is putting a lot of weight on my shoulders. Maybe. Sorta. I don't know. I've always been the one making my brothers happy, kind of. With bad jokes and. I don’t really know where it started. Then I get overwhelmed and get snippy and—

Maybe I need to get better about boundaries. But I don’t wanna make anyone unhappy. Ugh. Discuss this with Doc, maybe.

Especially with Three. I do not forgive him this time. Not unless he starts making an effort.

I’m just tired of feeling so tired.

I’m gonna go put some jams on. With heavy guitar. See if it works to get my emotions out.

[hyenadon]

woke up at 2:30 yday sent an email to my managers wish I could fall back asleep but i'm thinking abt a few things

1) my mom (not my biomom, my real mom) realized she might be autistic and i'm like. yeah. yes. we've been telling you. Babe. No shit. I've known you since I was like 13 or 14 and you've been so deeply autistic that whole time. Babes. Hon. Being super good at masking doesn't make you not autistic. You're just good at masking. MOM YOU ARE SO AUTISTIC. MOM. YOU CRY AT NOISES. MOM. MOM. MUMMA. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY AUTISTIC. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MUMMA GIRAFFE. YOU ARE AUTISTIC. YA DUMMY. I LOVE YOU.

2) people tend to not believe me when I say I might be autistic or have adhd but I really have been doing the research. I've done my raads-r, ive done my cat-q. I've also talked to multiple liscened therapists and theyve said like "hmnnnn sounds like adhd or autism" And along with that it seems that I have a *lot* of the comorbidities that show up with autism. I have tummy issues, I have recently discovered that I have FUCKING GOD DAMN SEIZURES, maybe epilepsy, And my mom, who is a literal goddamn autism researcher, said "yeah that happens a lot with autism". And my biological parents have heard me describe how I feel about like, eye contact, and communication, and always feeling like i'm not communicating Good Enough, and my BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. the worst people on the earth. The folks that don't *listen* at all. Even they have said "are you sure you aren't autistic?" like. if even THEY can notice that I might be autistic, I feel like that's enough.

i'm tired of talking about how autistic I am but just like a reminder about how I genuinely might have epilepsy- in the past month both times i've felt this weird have been right when theres been a thunderstorm or a tornado and everyone I know who has migraines or seizures tells me that thunderstorms are a huge affector.

also I think i'm having super quick hallucinations. They are very easy to dismiss and toss away as not-real, but like. god I need to get to a doctor as soon as possible. i am seizing. i'm puking so hard my nose starts bleeding. i'm motherfucking hallucinating. thats not okay. (at least the hallucinations aren't super scary. Last one, a few minutes ago, was a gianr tarantula crawling across my windowsill, and I stared at it and thought to myself "that is not real".) but heres the thing. It's still scary even though I know its not real. it's scary *because* its not real.

and my dog can smell it too, i'm pretty sure. No, i'm very sure. Koda has done this a few times before, she starts chewing on my hands, nosing at my face, nipping at me, whining, yelping. And it's only been in the summer, during a storm, during a time of stress. All of the symptoms are there and Koda knows them.

it just uhm. fucking blows. bc Im p sure i fit every diagnostic criteria for epilepsy and then most criteria for autism or adhd. i can deal w the autism or adhd but the epilepsy....i feel so sick lately and I keep snapping in and out of concuousness wnd falling asleep in the middle of sentences its not ok i need to se doctor so soon anywau goodnnitut

[crucifixes-and-chrysanthemums]

I really need a new job.

Oh, my God, I need a new job. I get to work, Missy tells me it's "disrespectful" to be on my phone. I get a scam call, just text the group chat instead of bothering her. She sends a fucking pissy message to the group chat. I am so fucking sick of this shit.

I've got an interview Wednesday at Goodyear Tire. I'm taking it if they offer. Otherwise I'm going to talk to Spectrum. I'm just so goddamn sick and tired of this. I dread going to work every day.

Em was taken advantage of by a guy the night before last. I'd like to kill him, frankly. She's not mad. Just exhausted and sick of being taken advantage of and I feel so bad for her because she doesn't deserve it. Not one bit. Nobody does, but especially not someone with such a heart.

I dunno, man. I'm just tired.

I'm content being single but I'm not happy. I know what I want, and I just don't enjoy the waiting. The searching. I want a woman to sit on the beach and share a cigarette with me and then she sings the stanzas of California to me, and we both stand up and dance to Young and Beautiful - DH Orchestra Version, of course - I'd melt. I have so much love to give and I give it to those around me but I want to give it to someone specific. And I want some given back.

I want to be loved. That's pretty much it. I try to put love out there and I'd just like some back. That's it. My raison d'être. My motivating force. My way and being. I want to be loved for who I am. I am glad to have someone like Em.

DnD was really fun last night. Long combat encounter followed by telling stories of the glory days of /k/, and then The OperatorChan Trauma Hour. I'm glad to feel comfortable enough to share that sort of stuff with them. I drank like, six beers during it, and woke up with a bit of a hangover, but it was fun. Fun and freeing.

I've totally forgotten to do the three good things about my day the past few days. Oh well. Gotta practice.

Three good things about today: leftover tater tot casserole was delicious; I got to have a good conversation with Em this morning; my friends sympathized with my frustration, and reminded me I'm not alone.

Three goals for the week: ace my interview; clean out my truck; go see Pap.

Totally forgot to mention Em and I decided against Vegas. Now we're likely going to the Great Smokey Mountains. It's about equidistant between us which is nice. Gorgeous area too. Vegas is too busy anyway. Too busy and too damn hot.

12:34am, Tuesday, January 17th, 2023.

[umflowers]

not pictured: 30+ doctor/specialist appointments, 6 rounds of bloodwork, urinalysis, a trip to the er, a ct scan, needles in the pads of muscle in my hands, and steroid injections in both wrists so far in 2022 april, when i had 16 appointments in one month and four in one week, two on one day losing an hour+ of my life every single day to full body manual lymph drainage massage, applying ointment to my hidradenitis suppurativa and hemorrhoid, taking a rolling pin to my thighs for the bursitis in my hips, and piston breathing exercises for pelvic floor dysfunction the fact that those compression stockings are $112 a pair, medically vital, have to be replaced every 3 months for life, and are not covered by insurance despite being prescription my humira pens cuz they’re in the fridge $8k+ and growing in medical debt that’s in collections the constant twitching from an as-yet-unspecified tic disorder that i’ve been begging for help with since i was 12 and just finally got someone to listen at 34 the passing out at random and constant debilitating fatigue that no one can figure out yet the fact that i was in unbearable pain and couldn’t use my hands for a year bc doctors wouldn’t listen to me, and i turned out to be right and got help as soon as they sent me to the specialist i‘d been begging for the dirty looks when i take a motorized cart to get groceries because i’m in pain, but i’m 34 and fat the fact that i’ve put 100 pounds back on because i’m scared, tired, bitter, and can’t make myself care anymore at this moment in my life the fact that i can’t get disability payments because i committed the sin of getting married to the man i love the fact that i don’t envision my future with my husband anymore because i don’t know what it looks like or how far into life i’ll have one, and nothing is scarier than that we are not your inspirational stories. we don’t exist to motivate you. we’re people and we matter. our lives have worth.

[nemilemy]

Can i request hc kaoru, yuzuru, midori reaction when they know their s/o has a severe and incurable disease ?

I had so many ideas for this one and honestly i didn't read that clearly and i almost wrote a goddamn angst for Kaoru(I'm so sorry my guy😭). But here you go dear reader~

“Kaoru Hakaze”

🦇. The amount of years Kaoru had spent with you made him realise that you were the only girl who stayed for him.(also because you were his type) Not for his fame. Not for his looks. But just for who he was and that he was grateful! Like score!! I mean he's so lucky to have you all for him(why tf does that sound so Yandere what.). But after knowing that you have got a incurable disease. He was scared he held you so tight and actually cried for you. But that didn't stop him from helping you no way and in no universe would he just leave him like this he WILL help you get cursed no matter what. And that's a promise!

🦇. You called his name? He's already by your side ready with your pills , with water , with anything you need or want. You're his baby his #1 fan you're as special as he is to you. When you start coughing out of nowhere when he's around be careful with every question he asks you. But ofc he knows you'd be tired by so many questions so he goes straight to point.

🦇. “My love are you alright?” he would ask everytime you give a "sick"(idk how to describe it-). You should be careful on whatever you say to Kaoru or else he's gonna carry you back to the dorms and let you sleep with a kiss on the head and the pat on the head.

🦇. If the doctor says you're getting better then Kaoru will celebrate with the Undead members (Koga got forced but he still cares about u). If the doctor says otherwise then he'll work 2x harder! He's such a hardworking boyfriend so lucky no?

“Yuzuru Fushimi”

🕊️. After Yuzuru finding out you. His beautiful dove that shined through the dark times had a incurable disease he felt horrible. How could he have not have enough time to take care of you! He was blaming himself for this incident but he then knew it wasn't time to do this. You're his #1 priority right now , you're also Tori's favourite person too so he always helped Yuzuru too since he's worried for you! He promised you when you guys started being together, that he would always take care of you no matter what and swore to protect you , so he can't break his promise now nor ever! Don't worry Producer Yuzuru's got this (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

🕊️. Oh you're not feeling okay? Don't worry Yuzuru asked Eichi for a break to take care of you which he didn't seem to mind so yay for him! He's got everything ready at a box. He would check your temperature and such and see if you're still doing fine , if you're not thennn back to bed you go! He's always gotten restless when he's away from you , like what if you're not feeling good!? What if you fainted during classes!? So many what ifs in his head ahhh it's gotten in his head!!!

🕊️. “My little dove I'm glad you're getting a bit better.” he would say while hugging you or patting you with a genuine smile. (Help idk what to write next)

🕊️. If doctor says you're getting better bro... Get the tissues ready Yuzuru is happy crying come on now don't be slow!!! If the doctor says your condition is getting worse well damn Yuzuru will fist fight god for you (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+

“Midori Takamine”

🧸. After Midori heard the news he cried because he didn't want to lose you. But then he pulled himself up and bought you a plush to remind you of him when he's not there and it even says "i love you" or "you look nice today" when you hug it! He just wanted to show you his love when he's not there to take care of you. But when he is there to take care of you he'll be a lost puppy wondering what to do to help!

🧸. If you're not feeling okay he'll ask if you want to cuddle or not with the face of a tomato! It's very adorable ofc he's not alone with you his plushies are also there to keep company (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧. He'll give you his plush for sometime to you but end up hugging you due to you hugging it more than him!

🧸. “Are you okay do you need anything?” he would ask with a worried look which is quite adorable but do say you're okay if not then the next day your face will be infront a plush's butt since your whole bed got filled with them while Midori took care of you.

🧸. If the doctor says you're getting better Midori will either leap for joy or either happy cry , you decide. But if not thennn Midori will still cry and hug you tightly also work 10x harder to take care of you then he already is. That's how much Midori loves you (*´ω｀*)

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Aight I'm finally done with this my finals are giving me so little time wth 😭

Dw you guys I'll do your request AFTER i finish till white day reaches because I'll be writing for the other units on what they'll do in white day. Well if i can do it is the question-