#i'm screaming i LOVE mormons!!!

[inbabylontheywept]

Weird Grandpa Story #2

I remember asking my mom once, if her dad had gotten ornerier as he'd gotten old. I'd heard about that happening, and it would've made sense for him. He was already the orneriest old cuss I'd ever met. Couldn't even imagine him being grumpier than he was.

Instead of answering the question directly, she told me about what it was like going to church with him as a kid. Their church was a small Mormon ward out in the sticks of Colorado, and he served as their Bishop - mostly by virtue of being the only one willing to do that much unpaid work. He was also the ward pianist. He actually liked playing piano, and he liked having an audience, so it was more or less understood that he was willing to be the bishop in exchange for being the pianist. 

Which could've been a good trade, but there were a few problems.

The first problem was that Grandpa Dale played every song at about triple speed. He was a deeply impatient person, and that extended to how he played music. The second problem was that he had a bad habit of cursing under his breath. That would've been a scandalous  enough habit for a Mormon bishop, but was made much worse (and also much funnier)  by him being pretty damn deaf. So what he thought of as "quiet" cursing under his breath was more of just a verse hoarse way of yelling. I only visited him for a week or two every summer, and I still learned most of my bad words from him. 

So every Sunday would start with a quiet prayer, and then Bishop Grandpa Dale would go to the piano, sit down, and play the nightcore version of Praise to the Man. He would occasionally play other hymns, but he really, really liked that one. This would continue until he hit a wrong note, which was basically inevitable because his music philosophy was that if he could play a song flawlessly, it was time to play it faster. So he'd play until he hit that wrong note, at which point he would scream-whisper SHIIIIIT and, because he did not actually read music so much as memorize it, the only way he'd be able to get his rhythm back was by going back to the start. 

If it was a good Sunday, he could get it in two tries. Some Sundays took as many as five. 

I learned two things about Grandpa Dale from this story. The first was that he could play piano. I'd never actually seen him do that before. Still haven't, come to think of it. Second was that the man that I visited once a year, who always seemed on the verge of exploding, who scared the absolute dickens out of me, was actually the chilled out version of the man my mom grew up with.

And it helped knowing that, actually. I'm actually a pretty anxious person, and my mom is, also, a pretty anxious person, and as a teenager we'd sometimes get in these doom loops where we'd wind each other up until our springs cracked. She'd be worried about me growing up to be happy, and I'd be worried about letting her down, and my worrying would make me unhappy, and my unhappiness would make her unhappy, and we'd just kind of dissolve into these anxieties like cotton candy in the sea and become totally unbearable to be around for a bit. Then my dad would sit us both down and very politely tell us that we were being crazy. He had this quote how being sad that someone else is sad that you're sad is the emotional equivalent of being a Klein flask and that at some point you have to just say I am allowed one (1) single layer of emotional recursion, at most, and ideally zero. 

And it was always kind of embarrassing and silly, but when I was tempted to be more upset with my mom about it, I could remember the piano story and go: Sheesh. She has more of a right to be anxious that I do. For me it's really just genetics, but she grew up with the Cactus-Killing Gopher-Smasher. A whole 18 years of that. I spent two weeks every summer with that guy, and I love him, but I always came home feeling like I'd survived something. She's a trooper.

[jennelikejennay]

One thing that bugs me about the way Vulcans are usually depicted (with some lovely exceptions) is that their philosophy—logic, or the teachings of Surak, for short I'm just going to call it Surakianism—is very often shown as a bad thing. Either that, or Vulcans aren't following it at all.

Writing about religion (and I do think Surakianism is best approached as a religion*) is always fraught. Because generally as a writer, you don't actually practice the faith in question, so naturally you'll have an outside view. That's doubly true of Surakianism, a way of life humans basically can't follow and it would probably be bad for us to try.

[*I know they don't call it a religion. But the way it deeply affects the interior life of Vulcans, their ethics, and so on feels very religious to me. It doesn't seem to have a position on theism; Vulcans get their beliefs about god(s) from elsewhere, such as traditional Vulcan polytheism and their own perceptions of the universe. But the way it exists as a social structure AND a guide to the inner self is absolutely religious to me.]

We are told that Vulcans developed this philosophy specifically because they needed it—they were destroying themselves without it! Their emotions were overpowering and violent, and they were clannish to the extreme. So despite what most of the human characters say, especially Bones, I think the path of logic is a good thing for Vulcans, even if humans don't get it at all.

Surak's teachings can be summed up into three basic points (a Vulcan somewhere just raised an eyebrow clear into their bangs at this oversimplification, but I'm doing my best here):

1. Logic, or the use of reason as a guide and the control of emotions

2. Nonviolence

3. IDIC—infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Of course we only ever hear about the first one, because that's part humans notice. I'd say it was like reducing Catholics to fish Fridays and Mormons to underwear, but that's exactly what people do, so I guess it's understandable.

But I think the ordering goes the other way for Vulcans. First, acknowledge that others are of value, including and especially when they're different from you. Then, do them no harm. And finally, to achieve that goal, control your wild, violent emotions.

People imagine pre-reform Vulcans a lot of ways (and I never get tired of reading about them), but I think the best guide as to what they're like is by looking at Romulans. Romulans aren't wildly expressive with their emotions, we're certainly not talking about people who would otherwise be laughing and crying constantly. Instead, they're secretive and carry long, hateful grudges. They're loyal only to those closest to them, and they seem entirely without empathy otherwise.

Imagine the Vulcan emotions are like that. They have strong bonds to their clan, probably in part because of their telepathy. They're suspicious of outsiders, angry, prone to violence. Preferring the familiar is an instinct in humans too, but a mild one. Certainly humans have been and still are racist, but it's something we can generally overcome. I'm not sure the Vulcans could, not by relying on their emotions.

So they came up with the solution to control their emotions completely. Use reason instead as a guide to behavior, because logic will tell you that your own clan is not more important than another, and that reaching out in peace is beneficial to yourself and others. Don't give your emotions any credence and don't let them run wild.

Humans do some of this ourselves, and should arguably be doing more. We spend a huge chunk of our childhood learning to control antisocial impulses like screaming, hitting, and biting. We demonstrate self control in many tiny, unnecessary ways, in order to show to others that we are in control of ourselves: stuff like etiquette, social rules, even just leaving the last cookie on the tray for someone else. These are signals that say I am not governed by my appetites; I can be trusted to consider the needs of others.

And we could obviously be doing more. Too many political questions are being answered by people's emotional, knee-jerk responses like "I feel threatened by people who are different" or "I am angry about my enemies and want them punished" instead of "what produces the most benefit for everyone?" If we leaned more heavily on logic and reason to get us our answers, we'd make way better decisions than we do. Star Trek doesn't often acknowledge that in real life, making a snap gut decision doesn't actually have a very high success rate. Logic gives you better odds of saving the day.

But, you might say, Vulcans aren't doing very well at any of this. A heck of a lot of them that we've seen are racist. And while they repress their emotions just great, they don't actually make the most logical decisions most of the time.

But I don't think this actually discredits a religion at all. We all know Christians who are great at the easy parts of their religion—learning Bible verses or saying rosaries—but don't seem to be even trying to love their neighbor. That's in fact the way religions are usually practiced! External elements that people can easily see (like never smiling) are adhered to by social pressure, but more heart-level things are aspirational at best. That doesn't mean the message of a religion is bad; it doesn't really tell us anything.

This is especially true for a religion whose practice isn't optional. You have to follow Surak to stay on the planet. I can see this rule was necessary during the time when the Romulans were kicked out—pacifism doesn't work as a global solution unless everybody's doing it. Now, it seems a bit harsh. I think they get around it by not exiling anybody who's at least giving lip service to logic. That racist baseball guy in DS9 isn't a good Vulcan, but as long as he doesn't do anything violent or openly reject Surak, they're willing to say he counts.

Why are Vulcans so often the opposite of what their religion teaches? I think it's the other way around: their religion focuses specifically on their chief faults: clannishness, racism, ego. It just hasn't successfully transformed everyone. Makes perfect sense, really. We might as well ask why Christianity goes on and on about sex when humans are well known to be super obsessed with sex. Well that's WHY! It's one of our strongest impulses which in the past we felt the most desperate need to control.

The best argument against Surakianism is that total repression isn't the best way to handle emotion, that we need self-awareness of our emotions before we can account for them.

To which all I can say is, don't you think Vulcans know that?

I imagine there are lots and lots of viewpoints on this among Vulcans. Some favor repression and some favor understanding and acceptance; some think it's okay to have a little dry humor and some think we should be serious. We have the kolinahri who believe in the excision of all emotion (which I imagine is universally seen as extreme, like we might see cloistered nuns or monks who reject the world to achieve enlightenment). And surely there are ancient, wise Vulcans who deeply understand all their emotional impulses and are completely in control of them. Spock certainly seems this way by the movie era if not before: he knows that he has emotions, what they are, and how to respond to them. He has overcome the emotion of shame. So he seems not impassive on the outside, but a person at complete peace inside and out.

I just feel like we could stand to see more good Surakians, who are good not in spite of their belief in logic, but because of it. Kind of like how we see both good and bad followers of the Prophets on Bajor. I'm kind of anti religion myself, but I still want to see it given its due—especially a religion founded on such good principles. Sure, it's not a religion humans can really practice, nor need—a good half of our emotions are positive and pro-social, so it's no wonder a person like Bones would be convinced Vulcans are just punishing themselves unnecessarily. But it successfully turned Vulcan from a planet so violent it almost destroyed itself to a home of peace and learning. Of course Vulcans aren't going to mess with what works!

That has been my rant about logic for today. I highly recommend @dduane 's book Spock's World for a much deeper dive into logic and the path Vulcan took to get there.

[isalisewrites]

Yet again, Mormons are told not to fully trust and rely on their own intuition. It could lead us astray. But it's okay to use both your intuition AND the leaders' guidance. So long as your intuition doesn't go against the leaders, you'll be fine.

Right, so I should ignore the weeping of my soul when I read the latest dehumanizing policy for transpeople who attend church.

I should ignore the injury to my soul when I hear the dangerous rhetoric surrounding those who are LGBTQ+, how we're unwelcomed, how we're not to be allowed to stay too long in members homes. (Don't start with me--Oaks said this in a talk a few years ago)

I should ignore my righteous rage surrounding the 150 billion dollar wealth of the church who chooses to build temples rather than homeless shelters in a state with immense homelessness.

I should ignore the lies these leaders blatantly speak. I should ignore the unjust excommunication of those who call them out for their duplicity. I should ignore a century of hiding the truth. I should ignore the coercion. I should ignore how much my intuition SCREAMS that this church is founded in wickedness in all its grandeur.

Absolutely not.

I cannot trust leaders who lie.

During my deconstruction, I learned to trust my intuition. In December of 2023, I felt an overpowering urge to pursue my highest excitement and joy. It was to write my Harry Potter Tomarry fanfiction, Terrible, But Great. I couldn't bear the idea that it would take me 3 to 4 years to finish Arc Two. The thought I had was: "If you had limited time to live, what would you do?"

I would write.

Two months later, I'm told that I need a hysterectomy because my uterus is in major precancerous conditions. If I do not get treatment, I could die of cancer in the next 5 years of my life. My future depends on this hysterectomy. My intuition impressed upon me months beforehand to focus on what I love.

It was not the Mormon Holy Spirit who told me this, not when I was two years out of my beliefs in Mormonism. Mormonism would tell you that I don't have the spirit anymore.

So, my intuition knew and told me.

I didn't need Mormonism. Leaving didn't take away my ability to be inspired, to be guided.

Mormonism says the world offers a mess of porridge, while it has your birthright. It begs you not to trade your birthright, like Esau did with Jacob. It lifts Jacob up for obtaining the birthright because of "righteousness," while demeaning Esau for trading it for a bowl of porridge.

Mormonism completely ignores how Jacob basically stole the birthright from Esau and tricked his aging, blind, almost deaf father to obtain the blessing.

But how interesting because the Mormon leaders are no different.

They are the liars.

They are the cheats.

They will do anything to "obtain the blessing," through any means.

I'm afraid their analogy is the opposite. Mormonism is the lowly mess of porridge, while outside of it contains a birthright so glorious and freeing, you can't imagine it while trapped.

If saying this makes me "an enemy," then so be it.

Mormonism claims to be focused on highest aspects of life, but the reality is it focuses on the minutia. It forces you to worry about the little things, until you're overwhelmed by it all. Until you're drowning under all these rules and cultural pressures. It teaches you not to trust yourself. It fills you with shame and guilt if you're doing anything outside of what it requires.

Mormonism claims that an all powerful, all knowing, all loving god has conditions on that love. (DO NOT START WITH ME. NELSON SAID THIS) It claims that god's love is unconditional, while telling you all the conditions that you must meet to obtain that love.

That is not love.

And if you think it is, then you do not understand what love is.

Love is unconditional. Love is everlasting. Love asks nothing in return for it to be given and received. Love is unconditional sacrifice. Love is selfish. Love is all encompassing.

You might love the Mormon God, but he does not act like he loves us.

If I, a mere mortal, loves others better than a god, then is that being truly a god?

No.

[taocc-updates]

And now, the six merry murderesses (and murderer) of TAOCC, in their rendition of:

The Cellblock Tango

“You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like, Daniel. Daniel liked to chew gum. No, not chew... pop. So I came home this one day, and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy, and there's Daniel, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewing. No, not chewing... POPPING. So, I said to him, I said "You pop that gum one more time,"... And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall, and I fired two warning shots....

Into his head."

“I met Drunk Anon from at the bar about two years ago, and he told me he was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together; he'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out.... "Single," he told me. Single, my ass! Not only was he married, oh no. He had six wives... one of those Mormons, you know? So that night when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink, as usual.

You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic“

“I was in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business. In storms my wife in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' the milkman?!" she says, she was crazy! And she kept on screaming, "You been screwin' the milkman!!!"

And then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife ten times”

“Mit kersek, én itt? Azt mondják, hogy a hires lakóm lefogta a férjemet, én meg lecsaptam a fejét. De nem igaz... èn artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom, miért mondja Uncle Sam hogy en voltam. Próbáltam... A rendõrségen megmayarázni, de nem ertettek meg.”

Yeah, but did you do it?

“Uh-uh.... not guilty!”

“My sister Veronica and I had this double act. And my husband, Charlie, traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row: One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the hotel Cicero. The three of us, boozing, having a few laughs.... and we ran out of ice, so, I go out to get some. I come back, open the door.... And there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number seventeen: THE SPREAD EAGLE.

Well, I was in such a state of shock... I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead."

“I loved Drunkie more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy; sensitive, a painter... but he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way, he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive....

And I saw him DEAD.”

WOOHOO ART COLLAB

Sorry these are not accurate at ALL, some of them have names and some of them don't. Sorry Drunkie, you're getting killed twice. LOVE YOUUUUU

CREDITS OF ART:

Autumn (Squish, Uh-Uh, Lipshitz)

Star (Pop, Six, Cicero)

Pop: Yelena @of-sea-and-light

Six: Mix @mixology-expert

Squish: Pam @circus-diner

Uh-uh: Nymn @nymn-taoc

Cicero: Callista @callistawaves

Lipshitz: Kopi @kopi-taocc

[ruby-static]

Sooooooo- Follower Riley?

Perhaps. 👀

Wait hold the fuck up- You can actually join the Followers in NV??

[captain-crowfish]

And here's a rant about how the Mormon church perceives people with autism (this can include other forms of neurodivergency)

In heaven, regardless of which level of heaven you end up in, your body is now perfect. Any "imperfections" (I.E. maybe your ears are slightly asymmetrical, or you have a floating rib, or a permanent scar from an injury) are now erased. This also includes people who are physically disabled or transgender.

Now, that in of itself is kind of gross, even if the Mormons think their intentions are good; you're perfect before you go to Earth and after physical death you return to heaven all the same. Never mind if somebody altered their body enough to feel more comfortable in it or learned to love themselves in spite of their disability, that's all gone now.

And regarding the main reason why I'm typing this in the first place: what about people who are born disabled or neurodivergent?

My younger brother is on the autism spectrum, and it's easy to tell even from a glance. At the moment of typing this he's in high school now, even though cognitively he is on par with a toddler. He absolutely cannot and should not be left alone unsupervised and has put his own life in danger multiple times within the past two years without being able to comprehend why.

I've been told that when we see each other in heaven after we die, he won't be Autistic at all. He'll act like any neurotypical individual.

And he'll say to our family "Thank you for treating me with kindness."

Now, before I go on any further I feel as though it is necessary for me to express that I do not reject the concept of an after-life or even a "before-life" entirely, merely I (perhaps naively) cling on to the core religous beliefs of heaven and being kind to everyone and always having some omnipotent genderless deity because I find them comforting. I have slipped into several pits of existential fear throughout my life and at the moment I don't see myself becoming a full-on atheist.

Back to the subject at hand, "Thank you for treating me with kindness." Rubs me VERY much the wrong way.

For starters, my brother (still) does not fully understand the concepts of right and wrong. That's the simplest way of putting it. I don't think he understands most forms of discipline (the only way that's seemed to work aside from yelling at him and making him sob and scream is making him write out "I will not put water in the soap dispenser" multiple times. He knows that if he does that action again, he will have to write more sentences. And he doesn't like it.

To further elaborate, he never acts maliciously (even though it's hard to tell sometimes.). He never has done anything "bad" with the intention of making anyone pissed off. And when my parents do discipline him to the point of meltdown, nearly every time it's in regards to his own safety or something that will greatly inconvenience them, literally or emotionally.

People should not be shamed for their first, gut-instinct, emotional response. If my parents do yell at him, usually they try to explain to him in a more comforting way later. Which he still gets upset by.

Do you start to see where I'm going with this? We try to be as nice to him as we possibly, humanly can even while being under constant stress from his tendency to be unpredictable, and he reacts as though, and I'm only saying this for the sake of making a comparison, like somebody smashed his electronics out of pure spite.

Secondly, Mormons believe we experience earthly life so we have the ability to make choices. The implications of that sentence alone are kind of terrifying but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. My point is, why would you choose to be born like this? When somebody's mental or physical capabilities are limited to any extent, so much that you often can't make the choices you want to make because of those setbacks, why would you voluntarily sign up just to be a morality check for other people?

Thirdly, and this co-insides with my second point, how do you think it feels when somebody who is, for lack of a better term, cognitive enough to comprehend all this is told that their existence is, according to the plan of salvation, nothing than a morality check? Another one of God's tests?

You sit in your darkened bedroom on a bleak Sunday night and realize what the church truly thinks about you for the first time. Your autism diagnosis denies you any agency of your own, and yet you're "normal enough" to still understand and experience choice, consequence and autonomy on nearly the same level that Neurotypical people have. And now you catch yourself wishing you weren't cognitive enough to realize the full extent of this horribly flawed design. You wish you were more like your brother.

I am you. You want to know what I feel when I fully realize the extent of living as nothing more than a morality check? I feel angry. I feel betrayed. I feel WORTHLESS. I feel horrified that this could be a big factor as to why my parents refuse to ever take me seriously until I've collapsed on the floor. Literally, this has happened more than once.

Fourth (yes, Oh God, there's more.) The plan of salvation also illustrates that, before we are born, we choose our families, our parents specifically. And that's another very icky implication/rhetoric that can be (and most likely has been) used to keep family members in abusive situations.

In case I haven't made it clear already, I am also on the autism spectrum. I can't list off everything that means for me all at once, but I have trouble detecting sarcasm and I am extremely bothered by loud, unexpected noises.

Now, something I think more people should understand, (especially my parents) is that disability accommodations are not a one-size-fits-all plan, nor will they ever be. I saw a great post on this website once that said something along the lines of "the same flashing lights on a fire alarm that are used to alert deaf people might give someone else an epileptic seizure." And that helped me come to learn more about the severity of a situation that has been plaguing me almost my entire life.

My brother, being Autistic, often Stims. Either as a way to express/filter excitement or as a form of self-regulation.

Very SUDDENLY and LOUDLY.

and those two adjectives together used to describe any sound are noises that I cannot fucking stand.

And as much as my parents think otherwise, I'm not TRYING to PURPOSEFULLY stop him from expressing/filtering excitement or self regulating. My first GUT REACTION is to tell him to be quiet, right after feeling an enormous amount of discomfort. I never hurt him in any way because I WANT to, but because my overstimulation is firing on all cylinders and 'telling me' that I HAVE to. It is never entirely a conscious decision for me to react in the ways that my parents disapprove of because they are "not nice."

My dad swears up and down that this is a behavior that I can unlearn. It's been 6 or so years of him telling me that and it's only made me afraid of him, too. Because he refuses to see the situation from my actual perspective.

And of course, every summer my brother is home from school, and every summer I realize more and more how on edge I really feel, and how my parents have been the real root cause of my CPTSD the whole fucking time.

So back to the subject of heaven, if my before-earthly-life heavenly self, in all my divine-ish wisdom, looked at my parents and saw in the future how much they would disregard me, why the FUCK did I choose them?

And if my brother, being his before-earthly-life heavenly self, in all his divine-ish wisdom, looked at my parents and me and saw in the future how much I would suffer and how much we would all be torn apart because of his existence, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did he choose to live with us, when my suffering is not voluntary?

So, to conclude, In terms of how much my parents are doing in terms of the walking, talking morality tests, they're flunking HARD when it comes to me. I'm not surprised that they don't even fucking realize it.

When it comes to my brother, I can only guess that he thinks he's suffering, but my parents are doing their best to accommodate his needs (and absolutely none of mine). Who determines the final score? My brother or God?

Of course, given the same logic, apparently I'm being scored on my involuntary reactions to my brother's behavior. And I'd be going to hell. We're here on Earth to make choices and I choose to suffer as little as I possibly can (which isn't fucking saying much.) And because I APPARENTLY have the choice to feel discomfort or not, therefore I'm making poor decisions and deserve damnation for the same fucking reason I was put on this Earth.

Mormons, do you want to elaborate on all this? Is there anything you could possibly say to my face besides "God and heaven work in mysterious ways." FUCK this. FUCK you and your views on autism. FUCK my parents and FUCK your Mormon Jesus with the European complexion.

My life is hell.

[rottenbrainstuff]

Haha ok I am convinced. It takes a LOT to motivate me to watch a new show, but I am so convinced by what I've seen of IWTV that I am going to give it a try tonight. I even have one single glass of red wine left for it!

The thing is: I am extremely ambivalent about this whole... what.. franchise? Series? Little coven of crying gay babies?

I was a big giant fan of the vampire chronicles in the 90s and 2000s. I really do legit love the characters that were created: I love their damage, I love how articulate Anne Rice was about describing their issues, how vampirism has fucked up each and every one of them. I loved how sensual the books were, the beautiful descriptions of everything. I found it so interesting how everything could be so sexy when it very specifically contained no sex. I loved her vampire lore, I loved her take on traditional vampires. I know sensual romantic vampires are a bit of an eye-roll these days but I feel like back in the 90s it actually was something a bit more fresh.

Interview especially had some really amazing ideas in it. I remember really loving that book.

Lestat was an interesting book but tbh she lost me a bit with some of the lore. It really put a lot of Interview into perspective though. (is Lestat's mom in this show??? She seems like a bad bitch I'd like to see pop in)

I read about half of Armand and oddly couldn't make myself finish it, or read any more of the chronicles. I actually don't even remember what happened in that book anymore.

(I had a copy of Queen of the Damned but I can’t remember if I read it or not. If I did, I don’t remember anything from the plot)

As much as I remember enjoying reading Interview, I found it increasingly hard to reconcile my enjoyment of the books with my knowledge of what a nasty person Anne Rice was, and the extremely shitty things she did in (or I guess TO) the fandom. As the books went on I found the writing style less interesting and more irritating and pretentious. I gave an attempt to start that witch coven series and was surprised by how I couldn't get into it. I tried reading her Sleeping Beauty series and got viscerally disgusted. (disgust aside, it was a shock how poorly written I thought it was) Again, her reactions to the fandom for that were bemusing as well. Her weird and personal obsession with her own characters is extremely reminiscent to me of Stephanie Meyer if she was goth instead of mormon, and it makes it difficult for me to take it all seriously sometimes.

So........ I'm in this position where I think I do genuinely like the characters and the ideas, but I intensely dislike Anne Rice and view her as generally overrated as an author, and that soured the whole series for me. But I've been seeing all these clips online and I dunno. I like what I see. It feels the characters I like were pulled out of her weird mean hands and dusted off. I like that absolutely no clips I've seen really match anything that I remember reading in the books. I like that it looks actually, unambiguously gay. I like that in almost every single clip I've seen, all the characters ever seem to be doing is screaming at each other for stupid shit. I like that it looks ridiculous and deranged. I dunno. I kinda have high hopes that with this show, I'll be able to learn how to like these characters again.

(I'm being smacked in the face btw with my age once again - so many of you mention that you never watched the old (not very good) Tom Cruise movie. If you were a teenager in the 90s I think it was impossible to have avoided it. Or is it just that my friend group was particularly strange?)

I'll pop my thoughts in here but I'll tag appropriately, so if you don't want that nonsense, you don't have to see it.

[raspberriesarchive]

— pinned post !!

hello!! my name is raspberry, and my main blog is @ticklishraspberries - i made this sideblog because my account is getting super cluttered. i have over 200 fics and making a masterpost with tumblr's horrific, glitchy html editing is an actual nightmare. half of my links don't work and people can't find my stuff, and neither can i, so i'm hoping that this page will make things easier for us all!!

last updated: march 2, 2024

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marvel

ouran highschool host club

real-person fiction

red, white, and royal blue

rent

riverdale

schitt’s creek

scooby doo

scream

shameless

simon vs. / leah on the offbeat

spring awakening

stardew valley

stranger things

succession

supernatural

teen wolf

the breakfast club

the end of the f**king world

the goldfinch

the good place

the mitchells vs. the machines

the prom

the raven cycle

the song of achilles

the sound of music

the umbrella academy

to all the boys i’ve loved before

tuck everlasting

voltron: legendary defender

west side story

wicked

young royals

yuri!!! on ice

[horsefreek151]

My husband's First time Watching Twilight

My dear husband has not seen many of the movies that were very informative of my tween and teen years; Twilight is one of the top ones. He not only agreed to watch it but agreed to let me write down his reactions. Here are the 3 PAGES of comments I recorded during the two hour movie.

Opening line: "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." - Well, Lucky you

I'm glad this deer is going to be totally unharmed

What ?! Hang on... He catches the dear mid jump like a trick dog.

Him: Why is (Stephany Myers) so obsessed with baseball? Me: Shes Mormon Him: I think it's the homoerotic subtext

ACAB even (Charly)

Alright... one bathroom? There's only two of you!

Billy (who is in a wheelchair) responds with how hes doing by saying "Still Dancing!" - I love him Meets Eric - GAY BEST FRIEND *He was disappointed by him being straight* *Pauses Movie* I had no idea her name was Isabella

Mike Existing - That's the most awkward person Ive ever seen

Jerk kisses her on the cheek without consent - That's assault

*Edward walks in* - OMG thats BATMAN *JKJKJK*

How ... Why ... Why is she laughing.

So he can see the future... Nobody in this movie knows how to eat food. Fuck you, Binder! She is the awkward one Charly Guy in Mill getting hunted - Hes agile I would have fallen over by then. Bella slips and falls over - Relatable *he is unaware of the trope* "Not in Phoenix Bells" Line referring to large animals hunting people in Forks - "YoU DoNt HaVe AnImAls iN ArIzOnA" What do you mean Charly!? They have Mountain Lions and SNAKES Charly! *I mention scorpions too* No writer in this movie ever talked to a high schooler. "Your name is Bella?" - Its actually Isabella as I have learned I only care about this golden onion... and why it isn't a golden garlic. "Cold wet thing" - Unlike sand which is hot and course She also looks like shes in white face paint. (Edward) just walks away like a fucking freak... I love it. None of these people have ever talked to a human before. *Car Crash* - So much is happening... why are there so many cuts... The vampires all look like fucking mimes Your asking him about the speed he got there and not the CRUMPLED DOOR?!

Dont worry (Bella) Im also confused about what happened *Edward in the corner of her room* Hes like a fucking PTSD flashback. Hes a fucking sleep paralysis demon Its dumb to send (the vampires) to highschool. I didn't know one of (Bellas) personality traits was Clumsy There Bio teacher belongs in a sitcom They act like they are fifty or twelve... not like teenagers... twelve is more accurate. The most unrealistic part (of there field trip) is that the bus driver is not screaming at him for banging on the door... or maybe I grew up in Boston. *Edward dose the apple thing* - Ok now he's just making fun of her Robert Patterson and the guy playing Charly are the best actors. Edward mentions wearing a mask, and Bella quips about it - OOOOO, She called Edward out for being autistic! *He can say that as I am autistic and I give him permission* *Edward cant go to LaPush* - Is it cause he cant cross moving water? *He made so many jokes about vampire lore I didn't write them all down* I was trying to tell what time this flashback took place and I just couldn't. I'm glad they gave us a 30-second tutorial on how to get a book online. Some of this look like a horror movie TOKYO DRIFTING, Dam that was a fuckin j-turn! "Little do (her friends know) he was going to eat her, for her blood" Oh Bella, I understand he's a pretty boy, but back up from the "How do you know what he was thinking?" and back to the "WHY WERE YOU STALKING ME!?" I can't wait for the almost SA scene to never come up again... *sarcasm* * They touch hands by oops * - Touch Barrier Broken Charly and Billy watch the game - DAD DATE! ... Oh no not Butcrack SANTA! Looks at Jasper - Is he another vampire who fought for the Confederacy? She sees buttcrack Santa's body - Do they not have body bags? With how much he's stalking her he should be called Edward the Relentless *he loves what we do in the shadows* Why are we spinning... why is there so much spinning? Bella claims Edward talks old-fashioned - He talks like a badly written character... like everyone here. "you won't hurt me" - cause stalkers never escalate violence when things don't work out. Because she's a white woman, and he's her pit bull. LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS HES DANGEROUS BELLA. "personal brand of heroine" - Him: because everyone knows heroine comes in brands Me: Im on name brand Meth (me referring to my ADHD MEDS) Him: You're on generic Meth, and you know it. (as I take the generic brand) YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK "Irevicoably in love with him" - GIRL... WHY? Sees Emmit - He kinda looks like Peet Davidson I like (Edwards) sitting like a little weirdo He turned to madly in love on a dime. Wait hang on.... (skips back to Billy giving Bella the stinkeye) Eyyyy They do what we do! (Billy holding all the stuff while Jacob pushes, like we do with my wheelchair) Just Sees Jasper - "Ive never seen more fear in a character than in his face right now

Is he scared she will know he fought for the Confederacy? (I have yet to confirm or deny the truth of this statement) Alice being Alice - OOoO Edward, she's gonna steal your girl! No wonder he's fallen in love in 3 seconds... he's been seventh wheel for who knows how long. *there dancing in edwards room* - *husband starts singing my fair lady* "Hang on Spider Monkey" - IT's THE LINE!!! *I mention how it's creepy that he watches her sleep* Well, you watch me while I sleep, but you have insomnia... and were married. *they kiss*- This is the most Mormon shit I've ever seen. At least they show how realistically boaring being a vampire would be. Drinking while cleaning your shotgun... that's totally safe Charly... "Why do you play baseball?" - Since they are American Bella! - "Well it is the American past time" Esme says - SEE! The Thrupple of trouble is walking in like there ready for a photoshoot. Blond Thrupple guy (James) looks so High... "...STuck here like MOM" - OOF! KNIFE TO THE HEART! Did her friends just steal mugs from the diner? Edward won't stop drinking her blood - Bop him on the nose with a newspaper like a dog. Edward sad he "didn't" stop - But you did stop when Carlile bopped you on the head with a newspaper. We kissed once now were in love forever.... They are all weirdos and this feels like a cult Director of Photography, I hate you. Costume? I can't forgive you for that flashback. High school science teacher, you were my favorite. His final review: This was a bad movie. There are better vampire movies, there's better romance movies and better young adult movies. All the genera are valed, this is just a bad example of all of those generas. I understand why its popular tho, and why young woman loved it. Especially when you take in at the time, it came out. Its the American mix of all about sex but completely clean and demonising sex and not having any sex in it. To me its the same way that 50 shades of gray wants to be about sexy bdsm while still saying bdsm is morally wrong. Nothing wrong with wanting a sexy vampire with wanting a romance, I like romance. Theres nothing wrong with media for young women. This is just bad.

[miss-galaxy-turtle]

What I think the Clone High clones' favorite musicals would be

Long post ahead!

Joan: Great Comet

It's weird as hell in a super artistic way. The whole show screams her, especially The Opera scene.

Abe: Assassins

Not gonna lie, I chose this one mostly because it's funny to me (like the one scene in the school election ep in s1), but I can also totally see him singing Unworthy of Your Love about Cleo or Joan, depending on what part of the show you're talking about.

Gandhi: Avenue Q

It's outrageous, brash, but full of heart, just like him. Also there was an Easter Bonnet skit that crossed Avenue Q with Fiddler on the Roof (Avenue Jew, no I'm not kidding), which as a Jewish theatre nerd myself just SCREAMS Clone High Gandhi to me

JFK: Book of Mormon

I almost put Assassins for him too but I just think he'd enjoy the humor of the show more, idk why

Cleo: Aida

The Egyptian aesthetics, lavish nature, and romantic themes remind me of her

Frida: Rent

I think she'd like the characters, music style, general aesthetic, and message behind the show. She'd totally drag Cleo to see it and get her into it too

Confucius: Be More Chill

Come on. Come ON

Harriet: Heathers

It's canon she's a theatre kid, and I feel like Veronica would be her dream role. Maybe the brightly colored costumes of the Heathers and Veronica inspired Twister a little /hj

No idea what to put for Topher lmao

[transxfiles]

hii bailor how are you. have you read or watched anything cool recently. i just started fellow travelers (the book) and it's making me feel so crazy i had to put it down and like go walk around to feel normal again

HIIIIIIII i have been doing so mcuh with work and art and everything so i haven't done much reading since june (i read like 7 books in a row i was doing so well) BUT i have been watching movies bc i found out that the local arthouse theater gives a really good student discount. also i have been hanging out at the video store and befriending the ppl who work the front desk there so i've watched a bunch of fun movies recently. SO!! some movie recs from things i've watched recently

humanist vampire seeking consensual suicidal person (2023)

dark comedy film about a young vampire who cannot hunt for food bc she cant morally justify killing people. after her parents stop hunting for her (finally forcing her to confront her fear of taking human life) she realizes that she might be able to work around her issues when she meets a suicidal teenager who wants her to kill him. genuinely such a sweet coming of age movie. and VERY silly. and beautifully filmed.

latter days (2003)

found the dvd at the local tax evading secondhand bookstore and bought it as a joke but genuinely this movie was very good. how do i even begin to describe latter days. blowjob scene in the first 5 minutes. the "sweet home alabama" screenwriter's passion project that he described as him trying to figure out what his repressed mormon past-self and his young newly out queer self would've done if they'd met. the answer is gay sex. apparently. this is an insane movie. i really enjoyed it but tbh i had the unique viewing experience of watching the movie with my old homoerotic best friend from high school so idk if my opinions on it are valid. they may indeed be tainted by that viewing experience. some insane fucking one liners though.

scream, queen! my nightmare on elm street (2019)

really great documentary for queer horror fans. follows the life of mark patton, the man who is most well-known for being the "first male scream queen" after he starred in nightmare on elm street 2: freddy's revenge. this was a video store rental and did not disappoint! experienced a positive jumpscare when i heard the first voiceover and was like "WAIT!!! cecil gershwin-palmer??????" it is indeed voiced by mr cecil welcometonightvale himself, cecil baldwin 👍

this ask also gives me an excuse to share some of my journal pages about movies i've seen recently so !

(+ bonus photo of my latter days dvd. insane fucking movie. btw fun fact the sticker on this dvd says 3 dollar but i did in fact get it for free bc the bookstore ladies love me. so)

i should add fellow travelers to my TBR probably,,, i need to read again. im always saying that when i haven't read for a while but it's true. i've been reading so many theater related nonfiction books recently for work and school and independent study and stuff but i gotta read A Narrative again soon.

i also need to go insane over A Narrative again and i think that'd do the trick........

rn i'm reading "standby" which is this book about theatrical design theory and it's so SO good but a little dense. i will say the last book that i devoured was andrew rannells' book of essays "too much is not enoguh" i read that in like 3 days and that was me pacing myself. it also got the stamp of approval from my mom who i lent the book to pretty much as soon as i saw her after i finished it.

also read this weird script a while ago called "the last thing i'll ever write" by adam lauver but i really don't know how i feel about that one. it was fun to read in the moment bc reading it was like putting together a puzzle of trying to figure out how i would actually put the show on a stage but idk if i;d recommend it. it IS weird art though and i do love weird art.

ive also been watching falsettos pretty frequently. idk why. its been scratching a theatre itch in my brain.

[a-pocket-full-of-rodents]

Happy day of creation! Happy day of divinity!

Happy day of disgrace and happy day of loathing!

God made me in his image, with his blood, with his bones

Which is to say he did not make me. Which is to say he set me up for tragedy. Which is to say he saw the crucifix coming before the apple hit the ground

Which is to say he knew just how divine I would become, and just how hopelessly doomed that made me

Happy day of hubris and happy day of repentance, I am all the soil that feeds the crows and all the scythes that reap it

It's trans day of invisibility today and I have never felt more opaque

I find a beautiful book at the bookstore bearing a rainbow sticker on their glass displays

My book is sealed in gold and details the story of a god born girl

The woman in front of me is asking where they keep the Harry Potter books.

It's a beautiful day to be sacrilegious and I think I will go outside

And I think I will choose love. And I think I will choose to smile at strangers. And I think I will choose to bear my ugly teeth of humanity to the world

And I think I will try to avert my eyes to the news station, just for today. Just while I'm bleeding. And I think I will choose to exist, as if I ever had a choice at all

It's a beautiful day to be hooked to the tv and I hope no one notices my downturned head and sharp shaky breaths.

My period arrived today and a Mormon threw a Bible into my hands. I told him in not religious. Not to his god, anyway. I left that part out

I had been sitting in bed dressed in a helpless, screaming, confused and young body not my own, pondering God and cursing his hands

And after dinner, once I was done the interrogation, I had sat alone on my toilet and pondered the divine act of handmade creation. And then I had cursed the all too human act of becoming

It's trans day of guidance today and I have never felt so lost.

Happy day of Fiesta! Happy day of purgatory!

Happy day of reinventing and happy day of fuck-i-wish-i-wasn't-you!

God made me in his image, with his mirror, with his brush

Which is to say he did not make me. Which is to say he sculpted me an unidentical, distant child modelled from a bird's eye angle. Which is to say he made me a tortured archetype of a hero, immortalized in blood and "why couldn't the bad people see?" from the lips of children thousands of future years alive

Which is to say the snake was right in tasting sin, and the fruit was right to fall.

Happy day of ecstacy and happy day of being tr@n$, I am all the gold left to wilt under the tombs of unnamed deities.

[naruthandir]

So anyway, the Mormons just built a massive church in Mexico City and like.

This place SCREAMS Sauron/Annatar to me you know what I'm saying?

This is beautiful and disturbing. This is too perfect. This is like brutalism, but make it shiny. This is like a corporation but make it religious. It is a horrendous crossbreed between minimalism and shameless excess. I hate this so much and I love it so much because of how wrong and unsettling it feels. Ar-Pharazon and his high-ranking officials hang out here. This is what the temple Sauron built in Númenor looked like and I take no criticisms.

[the-lonelybarricade]

LB, now I'm learning you love theatre I need you to rank your top musicals for me. And mention any you've seen live. I have an unhealthy obsession with Phantom and Les Mis, personally (though there are many many more that are brilliantly written). I'm so excited to finally get to see Wicked live for my bday!

Ohhh this is always so tough for me, I feel like this could change on any given day 😂 Les Mis is one of my all time favorites (hence the username hehe) It definitely has a special place in my heart since it was my entry into musicals back when I was a lil 10 year old watching Nick Jonas play Marius in the 25th anniversary 😂 And Phantom is another classic that I love, that overture is so iconic!

My top five are probably:

Newsies (When all the boroughs come out during Once And For All I always get chills. I got to see the London tour in December as a late birthday gift and it was so so so phenomenal)

Hadestown

Les Miserables (it was a close fight for second, but I just can't play Les Mis on a loop the same way I can with Hadestown)

Amelie (Times Are Hard For Dreamers was my spotify wrapped most played song 😂)

Anastasia (I re-listed to the entire album last weekend and was reminded just how much I adore it)

I have seen a fair number of shows live! I do want to note that most of them were bought for me as birthday gifts or won as lottery tickets (your girl loyally signed up for the Hamilton lottery every single day for a year bahahah):

Newsies (London - the highlight was that the Brooklyn Borough was played entirely by woman 😍)

Frozen (London - Samantha Barks was playing Elsa and it was incredible)

Wicked (London - I got to see it's West End 15th anniversary show! It was so good!!)

Hamilton (London - I got Rachelle Ann Go to sign a $10 bill for me, she was incredible as Eliza)

Guys and Dolls (London)

School of Rock (London)

Book of Mormon (Broadway - that tap dance scene during 'Turn it Off' still lives rent free in my head)

Spongebob Squarepants (Broadway - When I was in NYC, I won the spongebob lottery 3 days in a row, which tells me not many people were signing up for it. My hot take is that this show is AMAZING and was so underrated)

Please tell me yours!! And if you've seen any live!! Screaming over musical theater with people is something that I will never get tired of 🥰

[eruscreaminginthedistance]

Book recs based on stuff I read in 2023

Nonfiction

Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakauer (2003) - it's outdated by about 20 years which leads to one hell of a jumpscare at the end, but I'd recommend it to anyone who's interested at all in Mormonism, high control groups, FLDS, and the history of abuse against women and girls in the LDS; it covers everything you need to know about the ways the LDS church has cultivated a paedophile/domestic abuse culture and it's fucking haunting and it's the most upset a book has ever made me

Black Tudors: The Untold Story by Miranda Kaufman (2017) - a really fun read; it's a collection of case studies of the real life Africans living or working in England during the Renaissance, with each chapter focusing on a different individual and what we know about them from parish records, legal documents etc. It's also a great primer on England's relationship with the slave trade and African nations from the 16th to 17th centuries. Also I listened to this on audiobook and the lady's voice is super soothing

Problematic gay rep

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin (1956) - yeah okay turns out Baldwin is the GOAT of queer lit for a reason. I don't even like 20th century stuff but Baldwin can WRITE man I was sucked in! And David is the BLUEPRINT of problematic gay rep! I loved watching his awful decisions I hope he suffers eternally! It's a short and easy read and a classic for a reason do give it a chance

Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z Brite/William Martin (1996) - I'm not sure if I'm deadnaming Martin here because I bought the book earlier this year and it was still being attributed to Poppy Z Brite so I guess it's being treated like an author pseudonym now? I think? Anyway, don't read this book unless you're a disgusting freak like me who enjoys torture porn. This book comes with every content warning under the sun and I had an AMAZING couple of afternoons reading this book. American Psycho, Jeffrey Dahmer and NBC Hannibal had a baby and Martin delivered it; it's a raw, twisted and angry scream into the void about AIDS, homeless queer youth, homophobia and cultural stigma, wrapped up in a bow made of intestines. I went into this book hoping to see people get tortured and came out of it quite melancholic with a lot to think about, and I accidentally got attached to the victim oops!

The Charioteer by Mary Renault (1953) - I was gonna make a non-problematic section just for this book but then I remembered all the rampant femmephobia xD and Ralph and Laurie would 100% be bootlicking gays against pride. This book personally isn't for me - it's a lot of love triangle nonsense - but I think the tumblr demographic is particularly primed for gay World War II love triangle stories, and it's a softer, happier love story than my other recs. Would recommend if you can get past the main characters being pick mes.

Manga

No Longer Human by Junji Ito (2019) - this is a story about being a bad person and ruining everyone's lives especially your own lol; I loved the original prose version, but Ito's spin of the story makes everything so much worse and if I hadn't literally read a book about irl paedophilia the month before I think this book would have put me in the angriest and most violent place I've been all year. Love gorgeous art? Love mental illness? Love despicable spineless main characters? Get on this

Other fiction

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco (1980) - it took me a month to read this entire book. It's so self-indulgent and long winded and contrived and the big twist is laughable and I wouldn't have it any other way! It's just some old guy playing in his sand box with his little monk action figures and it's charming af. Plus the concept of a monastic murder mystery involving several orders of monks will never not be fun, and I'm biased towards the book cos my guess at the very start as to whodunnit was right >:) would recommend if you like Sherlock Holmes and long long diatribes about medieval Catholic geopolitics

Garth Marenghi's Terrortome by Garth Marenghi (2022) - this one's just a bit of a laff. The horror comedy ramblings of a man going stir crazy during COVID lockdowns. You don't need to have seen Garth Marenghi's Darkplace to understand the book but it is recommended if you can access it. Content warning for explicit man x typewriter

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson (1962) - it's a modern day (relatively) witch story! Jackson was writing about and for all the weird autistic little girls out there with this one. It's a gothic murder mystery about two co-dependent sisters who are outcasts in their village. It was a great introduction to Jackson's work

[horce-divorce]

finding myself in a relationship where we have managed, in just 2 weeks, to have more healthy and productive and reassuring conversations about our trauma, goals, hopes & fears, than me and any of my exes ever did!! Ever!!! Combined!!! And it is. insane actually lol. it's so new to me to say to my loved one exactly what I'm thinking, without mincing words, and to not only have him not take it personally and freak out / end the conversation, but he answers eagerly and candidly and in a way that actually puts me at ease and makes my anxiety stop??? He specifically talks with me to make ME feel better??? 🥺

I am finding myself with a guy who hears me state my needs and doesn't immediately make it about him, even if our needs don't exactly match or he can't help me with that right now! It's amazing! It feels sooo much better than when my exes and I would lie to each other about our needs totally being met and it being "fine" and then fight about it when one of us inevitably told the truth. he doesn't try to make me feel bad about it when we don't want the same thing! which is fine bc honestly most of the time we genuinely do! and when we don't it's simply not a big deal! like!!!

and not only that but he notices and cares when I'm in a bad mood and asks about it, and remembers the shit I said about my feelings months ago? I was having some Fears the other day, and he asked, and I told him, and he said, "I remember you saying once that you felt replaceable and that's NOT true!!!!" and then hugged me and told me he loved me and that I deserve all his love and care, until I actually felt better??? Like. that cut immediately right to the center of how I was feeling and I didn't get to saying that part out loud, I started to and he immediately knew exactly what I was getting at, because he cares how I feel and was already paying attention before?? Like, I didn't have to ask him to notice how I feel, because he was already paying attention.

For once my boyfriend is more emotionally intelligent than I am and is actually teaching me so much about communicating and stating my needs and asking for/finding the things I need. He is so resourceful and he's done so much therapy already and he knows so much about like trauma and DBT and coping skills. He's so smart!! He's so good at setting boundaries!!! He is always teaching me new things!! I'm literally so inspired by him every single day!!!!

part of me does feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and we will face plenty of challenges I can already foresee.. but that's life. my friend told me something so wise the other day. she said "anxiety is loud, intuition is a whisper." anxiety screams constantly that I'm not good enough and that everyone is just biding their time until my true flaws rear their ugly heads. Anxiety shouts and yells and stamps it's feet and demands to be heard above all reason and all other emotions.

But lately there's a quieter voice, much deeper down, that's telling me, "I really believe it's gonna be alright." That he really cares. That these are genuine green flags and not 'red flags through rose colored glasses.' That we want the same things and that following him is not only the romantic, idealisric thing to do, but actually the right thing for me, too. So that I can have someone who loves and cares for me, too. So that I have someone helping me achieve my goals, too!! So that we can build queer community and a family and a life together, cause it's a lot easier with the buddy system, and with someone who wants good things for you.

Yesterday we were hunting rocks on the beach and talking about how people subconsciously look for their parents in a partner, and how he's looked for emotionally unavailable partners in the past bc his parents were so abusive (about his mental health, about his queerness, about the fact that they didn't even want a child; he was never anything more than a chesspiece to his Mormon mother).

And he told me, "you're nothing like my parents." I don't have a word for how it made me feel. Something akin to "hopeful," I think, and grateful, and so much love.

Because I've done that, too. we've talked about this before, how when you've been traumatized, you often seek out what's familiar instead of what's healthy. His mom is awful. she met me once (1) and I was so visibly transgender she went on a month-long rampage that ended with her kicking her own son out (bc it's my fault he's on T, despite him being out & transitioning for YEARS longer than me rofl). I know how hard he's trying to break the cycle and he is actually probably the first person in his whole family to ever do it. He's doing SO good and I am so proud of him bc it's so hard.

To be told I'm nothing like his parents is something to wear like a badge of honor. Thank fucking goodness I am nothing like his parents, for his sake. Thank fucking goodness he finally found someone who can try to love him right. And thank goodness it gets to be me!!! Hot damn!!!!

like not to brag or anything but this absolutely rules. I'm so glad I made it through everything I've been through just so I could meet him, it was worth everything. gay t4t love is healing me from the inside out 🥰