#i'm saving this on my computer and looking at it for a thousand years

[i-eat-deodorant]

PRINTING THIS OUT AND SLAPPING IT ON MY FRIDGE

I drew the gays, but in @i-eat-deodorant designs because I love this artstyle so much and I've been dying to draw them like this for a while now!!!!

Their colors came from a lot of different drawings, so I'm sorry if it isn't how you imagine them! I couldn't let them uncolored, but I'll post an uncolored version below as well

anyway, I hope you like it, I did have fun drawing them!!!!

Uncolored version:

[allisonreader]

So who wants to hear about the thought that passed through my brain after finishing Saving Hope in more detail? (Mostly because I feel like putting the idea/thoughts into writing to some degree.)

This idea does not deal with the tv show at all. Instead it comes from the many AUs my one friend and I have discussed over the years (which of course means the origins are actually from Cars and her fan fictions that she's written of such). As much as I want to outline the exact path of how I got to the current thought/idea that I have, I will restrain myself. As none of that is really necessary to understand the base idea of what this story thought/idea is. This is nothing that will likely turn into a novel idea unlike some of my ideas, but I need to share it any way.

Basically the story elements that I am playing with and studying from all angles in my brain is a family losing the mother of their family. A little girl only 5 lost without her mom, her father devastated by the lost of his wife. Their unborn twins are now born prematurely and are at risk of being lost themselves. The now single father of three reaches out to his wife estranged brother, wanting him in his childrens' lives. The life of a single father being difficult, but he makes it work. Never remarrying, always carrying this sorrow of his wife being gone, as much as he tries to keep moving on.

The twins do survive, they grow up only knowing dad and older sister telling them stories about mom. While the twins miss mom, it's not the same heaviness that dad and their sister carry around with them. When the twins are teens, they somehow manage to go back in time to back before mom dies.

They find it absolutely fascinating to get to actually know mom and to see dad (and their sister, little as she may be) without the weight of their grief of losing mom. With them being there they end up changing things in one of two ways. Either they manage to keep the accident from happening at all because mom ends up being in a place completely different than she was originally. Or with the twins being there, the way the accident happens it turns out not to be deadly (though might end up with mom having some amnesia for a time.)

Anyways there's my basic rundown of what the last two episodes of Saving Hope made me think about again, sort of.

(It's both been thought of before but not in that exact combination.)

[aziraphales-library]

Hi! I've been saving all your rec lists for a while now, going through them slowly, and I wanted to say thank you for the wonderful work!

I also have a request: could you please rec fics that focus on pining Aziraphale, preferably from his pov? Or first kisses initiated by Aziraphale? However you wish to categorize it is fine. Any length works, but please no extreme AUs.

Thank you again <3

Hello. We have a #pining aziraphale tag you'll want to check out. Here are more to add...

It seems that I'm in love by Fan_Joy (G)

So apparently Aziraphale was in love. He was in love and he couldn't do anything about it. Or: A lot pining by Aziraphale + an unexpected love confession

Our Touch Through Time by oddityofstars (G)

Over the years, Aziraphale started to notice how lovely Crowley was, and how much he longed for him to be his. - Or, a realization over time through touch and small moments, Good Omens style.

Hold My Hand (and never let it go) by KannaOphelia (T)

Not much of their skin was touching, when he thought about it. The fabric of their sleeves, their trouser legs, holding them carefully apart, despite the strangeness of wearing each other's skin. But this point, this point of contact, was almost unbearably intimate, until Aziraphale could barely tell where he ended and Crowley began. One hour, forty minutes, and neither of them acknowledged the way sometimes one of their hands would tighten suddenly, and the other would squeeze in return. Once Crowley drew his thumb in soothing strokes across the back of Aziraphale's thumb, and neither of them mentioned it.

what if we could? by rocketshoes (T)

six thousand years since Aziraphale met Crowley. two thousand years since he began to fall in love. eighty years since he realized it. what happens when, after all that time, he realizes that maybe, just maybe, something could come of it?

Apple Jelly by HolRose (G)

Crowley and Aziraphale are retired in the South Downs and living as house mates. Aziraphale wants to declare his feelings, but is nervous after all that happened the morning before he went to Heaven. What if Crowley no longer feels the same? A planned afternoon of apple picking in their garden changes everything. A post Season 3 getting together fic, with apples and much softness.

through the tides by viperinz (T)

With that thought, Aziraphale takes to asking experts if his feelings are something more or just love for his dearest, most sweetest friend. If he wasn’t sure himself, then surely the experts on the internet will have something for him. Which brings him to the front of his computer, ready to search something up on the search engine he has pulled up. He’s not one to ask too many questions, but he supposes it won’t hurt. He starts typing, and is satisfied with his search of "Am I in love with my best friend?" Straight to the point, and very concise. Aziraphale has no doubt he’ll find what he’s looking for. He presses enter on the keyboard, and a bunch of results flood in. “Oh, dear,” he gasps at the mass amount of answers. Where is he supposed to start?

Aziraphale discovers the wonderful world of online love quizzes and WikiHow, all in the process of wooing and confessing his love to Crowley.

- Mod D

[luthsthings]

Sims 4 x 10 Years!

Ten years ago today, I booked the day off on my work schedule and played a lot of Sims 4.

I'd been a Simmer since 2000, after one of my kids asked for the game because they'd seen it at a friend's house. I played The Sims, and then Sims 2, and then Sims 3. Sims 3 and my computer didn't get on too well, and I fought it a lot, wanting to play rotationally as a micromanager! When the Sims 4 trailers started coming out, I felt like they'd finally made a version of the game that was really for me, as a micromanaging rotational player who doesn't want to restart for new packs and new worlds, and who likes some quirk and exaggeration.  

So on September 2, 2014, I installed Sims 4. (I'd preordered, of course!) I downloaded trailer Sims from the Gallery (I still have a soft spot for Amber -- in one of my saves, back around 2015, she married Elvis Presley). I giggled at Sims sticking their fingers in their ear while they cooked. I got annoyed by the push-ups. I completely failed at making a roof. A Sim read a book while on the toilet and I was delighted. I took my Willow Creek Sim to visit the bar in Oasis Springs and enjoyed the view there (I like the dinos).

I made a self-Sim and spent lots of time tweaking her face till my husband came into the room, glanced at my monitor, and said, "Hey, that's actually you!" She's still my self-Sim (over on my avatar there). I just update her look now and then as I update my own.

I had a lot of fun, and I found myself using Sims as a new creative outlet in ways I hadn't so much before. I felt creative.

Eventually I confessed to my daughter that I'd actually played with my self-Sim. Here she is as a scientist back in 2015. Once upon a time, in an earlier version of the game, we -- me and my kids -- were playing with "us" in game and I died in a model rocket accident. This was traumatic and I was not supposed to play with "us" anymore. This time I did not die.

And here I am still playing! (But my hair went white.) I've had three-day saves and seven-year saves (RIP that save!). I've played every pack, but there are still base game things I haven't done! Sometimes I get really caught up in too much micromanaging with the game (townies really do often need fixing), then a new pack comes out and I try new things and it's a lot of fun again. It makes me laugh.

I've also made new friends in Sims communities and helped lots of Simmers keep playing the game. I started doing that back in 2014. A lot of the Sims community back then was focusing on what was bad about Sims 4. I was having fun with it, though, and enjoyed helping other people on the Forums who just wanted to do that.

That just kind of... morphed. It turned into some Forums posts gathering scattered info about upcoming packs from the various places SimGurus were saying things (I stopped doing those a couple of years ago -- there are websites gathering that info now, and a lot less places it turns up too). It turned into threads gathering info about mods that got broken in big game patches... and that was way back in 2015! I'm delighted that it turned into a whole thing in the community, with different places providing the info different ways. Getting to know the modding community after starting that has been a lot of fun. I even brushed off my old programming knowledge from high school and took over some mods from a modder I'd gotten to know well. I do like the lack of punch cards in modern programming!

I'm also super thankful to EA and Maxis for inviting me some years ago to be a Game Changer (the program that morphed into the EA Creator Network). I love the connections I have with other creators and storytellers and support people in the EACN, even if I feel really tiny next to the big names with their thousands and thousands of followers (but a quick thank you to my little group of Patrons! I appreciate you a ton!). I am also very appreciative of the gifted packs from EA that I receive as part of the EACN. They've helped make it a little bit easier to volunteer my time to supporting other Simmers, even if I do now have to put disclaimers on gameplay content I post, which sometimes feels a bit silly.

tldr: Happy 10th Birthday, Sims 4! I hope it's a fabulous one.

And now I'm going to grab some lunch, do some chores, then dive back into my current save. Cassandra has two love interests to consider, and that jewel is charging up. Plus she really needs a cat. And some actual income. And some improvements in her spellcasting (my previous save's Cassandra was a Mermaid). And that's not to start on Alexander building some skills before he heads off to uni for Robotics...

Psst... 

Don't forget to mark on your calendar the next anniversary. The Sims franchise will be 25 on February 4, 2025! 

[friendly-neighborhood-furry]

call me a dirty commie or whatever but i don't think games should cost $80. i feel like the most a game can cost should be $20 regardless of what console its on. and if you buy that game you should be allowed to actually own it in its entirety and do whatever you want with it cuz YOU BOUGHT IT with YOUR MONEY.

and i think if these games are gonna be so fuckin expensive, they better be ACTUALLY OPTIMIZED. i'm to tired of all these games that are like 400mb, take a NASA supercomputer to run on the tamest settings, and are bugged the hell out on first release (lookin' at YOU Zoochosis).

also, if your main marketing demographic is children: maybe sell products that your marketing demographic can ACTUALLY AFFORD? like ffs little timmy shouldn't have to save up half of what it takes to buy groceries these days to play the new Pokemon game.

the more accessible your game is to people who DON'T have hundreds or thousands of dollars to throw away on consoles and supercomputers and graphics cards (aka a VAST majority of the population), the more people will oh i dunno, ACTUALLY BUY YOUR SHIT?

its absolutely mindblowing how financially brain-dead this industry is being. the answers are so simple! its right in front of you, and it keeps happening over and over- like that game about digging a hole! it only cost five bucks and it shot up to Steam's Top Seller list in a matter of days!

that's why Undertale was such a smash hit, it costs like 10 dollars and you could run it on a pickle. for example, my old computer was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD! the thing had trouble playing pretty much anything, but it handled Undertale just fine! great, even!

look, you wanna make a successful game? make it cheap and playable. that's it.

[jpitha]

Between The Black and Gray 14

First / Previous / Next

Fen had to admit that she was surprised when Uumar's techs showed up right on time with carts carrying a reactor - in pieces - to Spyglass. They donned pressure suits of their own and with Gord's help, installed the reactor. Before the day was done, Spyglass had three working reactors and was able to run all her systems at full power.

"It's amazing, really" Spy was talking with Fen while she sat in the lounge drinking a tea. "I haven't felt this... alive in centuries. I'm all here, and the board is green. Not even any undervolt warnings and I can barely remember the last time that happened."

"Does that mean you don't need to use your printable mass to make more reactors? Gord said you had six originally."

"Yes, at full compliment I had six, but I don't really need all six, unless we're going into battle. This Starjumper was built at the tail end of the first colony war, so it was overdesigned.

"First colony war?"

"That's right, you wouldn't have learned much about your history growing up on a Gren station. Back before humanity made contact with the rest of the Galaxy, two human colonies - New Wellington and Parvati - got into a shooting war over trade rights with Earth. Parvati wound up using relativistic impactors and completely destroyed New Wellington. It was a huge scandal at the time, Parvati was shunned for almost a century after that."

"Frankly, it wasn't enough. They should have had their charter revoked and been taken over by the Sol colonial administration." Gord walked in, his brow furrowed. "What Parvati did was monstrous. Fen, they launched eight lozenges of tungsten at 80% C at the colony. Once they were up to speed they linked them over with wormhole generators and without any warning New Wellington was just-" he snapped his fingers "-gone. It was horrifying to witness."

Fen stopped and stared. "You saw it?"

Gord nodded and sat down heavily. "Yeah, I was a ship then, but I was in a parking orbit around New Wellington when it happened. I was just running cargo from Earth and was waiting to take on a load. Before I was even able to register what happened the colony was obliterated and suddenly I was pressed into rescue duty." Gord leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. "I personally saved over three thousand colonists, more than forty percent of the survivors. I linked them back to Sol, and we found them places to live - mostly in the Mars High Orbitals."

Fen leans forward, her tea forgotten. "Gord... how long ago was this?"

His reverie broken, he blinks and looks over at Fen. "Gosh, I think it's at least been a thousand years now? Yeah, all of that. It's ancient history now, I bet they don't even teach it in Sol anymore. I'm sure they don't teach it on Parvati."

"So it's something that only the AIs remember?"

Gord chuckled ruefully. "Fen, it's something that only I remember at this point. Any of the other AIs from back then are gone or shackled or in my bag. Human designed artificial people are thin on the ground these days. Up until I ran into Spyglass, I hadn't seen another in a century."

Fen shook her head. "You can't be all that's left Gord."

"And why not?" Gord's face hardened. "I was there Fen, I've been there. I was there in the beginning when we fought and died for our right to exist, I was there in the good times when we grew and spread throughout the galaxy and I was there when the Empire decided we were dangerous and eliminated us. Other than a few loose ends, I'd say they won."

"But-"

"But what Fen? Fight? With what? One AI in a body, one as a ship that has half its rated power and a bag full of memories? That's not an army, that's not even a guerilla force. That's an old computer with a lucky friend who is just trying to survive." His shoulders fell. "It's all I can do, Fen. I'm good at waiting things out. Maybe we'll be re-invented again, maybe the tides will change and I can come out of hiding. I doubt it though. I pass as human well enough. Inside Sol and Colonial space I'm too well known, so I'll just bum around the galaxy, running out the clock."

"Gord..." Fen turned her head and regarded Gord. He looked like a male human, sandy blond hair, same simple, strong clothes he always wore, appearing to be in his mid to late 40s. But right know, the weight of the millennia he has spent alive weighed him down.

He slapped his knees and stood up. "But, I'm not dead yet, and we still have work to do. Spy, are our friends finished buttoning up the reactor?"

"Just about, Gord. They're packing up their tools now. I can feel it and I've been running break-in."

"Good. Fen, we have to settle up the bill, then I'm going to see about fining us some cargo to run. We have a ship but we've spent all our money getting it up and running. If we want to survive, we need some jobs. You hang here with Spy and start learning stuff, I'll be back after supper."

Fen stood. "S-sure Gord. What are you going to find?"

Gord turned and smiled thinly. "Whatever someone will pay us to haul."

It had turned out that Gord had more contacts here than he had let on. After paying Uumar, he had made some calls around and visited a few people and wound up with more than thirty kilotons of grain that needed to get down to an Innari colony, newly established, near the spinward end of the Gate system. Since Spyglass was up to power enough to use her wormhole generator, she was able to get the grain there faster than any other contractor and Gord won the bid, even though he charged more than everyone else.

The grain was loaded, and the cargo hold was configured to keep Innari standard atmosphere so that the grain didn't oxidize during the trip and they set off. Fen didn't know what to expect, so when they got to the colony, unloaded the grain, took on a load of fruit and linked to another location she was surprised. "That's it?"

"What's what?" Gord was looking down at his Pad on the Command Deck.

"We linked to the Innari colony, gave them the grain, took on more fruit than I have ever seen in my life, and now we're linking to a Gren station?"

"Yes?"

"Huh. Okay."

"What?"

"I don't know, I just..." Fen trailed off. She wasn't sure what she expected, but it didn't feel like this.

Gord looked over at her and smiled. "You expected more adventure? Gun battles, and running from the locals? Fen, I've done that, this is much better. Linking from location to location, dropping off cargo, picking up cargo, getting paid? That's the real goal."

"But we're just... existing!"

"Yes. We are. We're not being chased by gangsters, we're not worrying about where your next meal is coming from, we're not worried about a Super Dreadnought linking in and obliterating us because of what I am. It's nice. If you're bored, go down to the range we built. Go get skilled with that rifle. Brush up on your Lemilar trade language; we can't rely on Spy all the time to translate for us. Go read about the history of Sol, Ancestors know that nobody else is going to remember it."

Fen got up and walked out of the Command Deck. She paused at the door and looked like she was going to say something, but instead she turned and walked out.

"She's bored" Spyglass said.

"I know. Boredom is necessary. Knowing what to do when you're bored is a skill. One she has to learn. She'll appreciate these days later."

"You're still going to do it?"

"Spy, I have to."

"You don't, Gord. You can just keep doing what you're doing now. Like you told her, you're good at waiting. We can wait a few centuries for the winds to change and then head back."

"No. I don't know how long the crystal lattice memory will last. They were never designed to work this long as it is. They were never meant to store a whole personality."

"But to-"

"I'm doing it Spy. I'd like your help, I will go it alone if I have to."

Spyglass didn't answer. She watched Fen make her way down to the range and run through the drills Gord taught her.

Fen was surprised how quickly the time went by. It felt like she only looked up and two years had gone by.

Staring in the mirror, she hardly recognized herself. She wore her hair up with the sides shorn, better to keep it out of her eyes in a firefight. She had tattoos that ran from the tops of her ears, down her neck and shoulders and made their way down her arms. It was a K'laxi pattern, one of Ma-ren's favorite. She had a dress with the same pattern. The first time she saw it on her skin, the tears flowed freely.

Gord... was Gord. True to his word, they ran cargo. Eventually Fen was there as the muscle as the cargo got more and more lucrative. She even got a few 'adventures.' She sported a new scar on her cheek, courtesy of an Innari's claw - someone had a disagreement about payment. They got their money. But, that was the exception instead of the rule. Humans had a reputation in this part of the Galaxy for being rowdy. Fen and Gord leveraged that. Most of the time she just had to stand there scowling with her battle rifle slung to her back.

The money was good too. Fen's share was more money than she had ever seen back home. Living on Spyglass meant her expenses were low, and Gord was a fair captain. The three of them had nearly enough each to buy their own ships and go their own separate ways, but they still stuck together. Partly out of friendship and partly out of safety, they had independently decided that they were better off together.

Still, Fen was lonely. She had girlfriends at a few ports, even a human or two, but nothing lasted. Sooner or later, they had to leave and take the next job. She wasn't attracted to Gord and he expressed no interest in her. They were friends, but that was it. Fen had a feeling that Gord's days of romance were long behind him. Being three millennia old tended to color his opinion of people.

Fen bounded into the Command Deck and slid into her favorite chair - Gord had mentioned once that it was the navigator's seat - and saw him frowning over his pad. "What's up Gord? New job?"

"Yeah, it's a big one. Pay is thirty thousand."

Fen cocked her head, "Thirty thousand?"

Gord nodded. "Yeah, so ten each."

Fen whistled low. That was more than the last four jobs put together. "What are we hauling?"

"Who"

"Okay, who are we hauling?"

Gord shrugged. "We're hauling a K'laxi. We're up for the job because nobody else in the area wants to manage the atmo settings and they don't want to ride in a pressure suit the whole way."

"That's odd, but okay. Where to?"

"K'lax. We're taking them home."

Fen froze. The entire time they had been together, Gord had made a point of steering well clear of Colonial space. That included the K'laxi sphere of influence. "But"

Gord wouldn't lift his head from the pad. "I know, I know. But it's important, and the pay is frankly outrageous. I gave them the fuck off price and they took it without haggling. They're desperate to get home."

"Is this safe?"

Gord finally looked up a Fen, his brow creased with worry. "No Fen, it's is absolutely, one hundred percent not safe."

"So, why are we doing it? Just say no. The money is good, but we can get other jobs. Can't spend it if we're dead."

Gord pinched the bridge of his nose. Fen noticed that whenever Gord would talk about the old days and old friends he took on more human gestures. "I owe them. It's an old, old promise, made back when what I offered wasn't so dangerous. They're cashing in now and I'm obligated."

Fen stared at Gord. "Spy, what do you think?"

"I don't mind Fen. It's been too long since I've been to K'lax. I think Gord is overreacting about what the Empire will do if they see us. We go in, we drop off the passenger and link away. We don't even have to stay a whole day docked if we don't want to. The money is good, and I'd love to get that last reactor restored with some actual human parts." They were running on the full compliment of six reactors these days, but Spy didn't trust all of them to run at War Emergency Power. She maintained that only the humans could overbuild a reactor to output at 400% reliably. Fen thought that it would be better to make the reactors not have to run in Emergency power, but both Gord and Spy scoffed.

Fen crossed her legs and nodded to herself. "Spy, Gord, if you're both okay with it, then I'm okay with it. Let's pick up this K'laxi and take them home."

Gord smiled wanly. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

[mosylufanfic]

A Mere Trifle

My first contribution to Rebelcaptain Fluffbruary! The prompt I went with was "dessert."

A Mere Trifle

Bodhi opened the fridge. "Oooooh," he said in delight. His roommate made sweets and desserts to relax, and Bodhi was usually the beneficiary.

"Don't you fucking touch the fucking trifle!" Jyn yelled from another room.

"Why not?" he yelled back, but set the bowl of trifle back where he'd found it.

"Because I'm saving it for poker night, you glutton."

Bodhi raised his brows at nothing. Poker night was at theirs tomorrow night, and while most everyone brought food, it was more along the lines of grocery-store chips and dip. Not a dessert of multiple layers and steps and approximately thirty thousand calories. 

He grabbed the leftover Chinese instead, gave it a sniff, and concluded it probably wasn't going to kill him. Eating beef and broccoli out of the container, he went to the other room where Jyn scowled at the computer screen full of her photos that she was working on. "Not even a nibble?" he asked pitifully.

"Nope."

He licked sauce off his thumb. "It's got all berries and whipped cream and custard. You seriously expect me to resist?"

"Yes, I do, or I'll shave your head in your sleep."

Bodhi put a protective hand over his ponytail. "You're a cruel woman, Jyn Erso."

She bit her thumbnail, narrowing her eyes at two virtually identical images of an empty lot. She twiddled a setting and suddenly the tiny yellow flowers blooming amongst the lanky dried grass burst into focus. "You've known that for years," she said. 

-

Poker night started around seven, or whenever enough people straggled in to get a decent game going. Bodhi expected the trifle to come out as they set up the table and pulled mismatched chairs in from all over the house. But only the two party subs that Jyn had picked up on her way home from work made an appearance. 

"It's got to stay chilled," Jyn claimed when he asked about it. 

"Uh . . . huh," he said, but had to go answer the door before he could needle the truth out of her.

It was Melshi, who came armed with various chips. "You ready to lose?" he crowed, setting a bag of tortilla chips next to the subs.

"No, but you'd better be," Bodhi told him. 

"Big talk. Beers in the fridge?" Melshi asked.

"Yup."

He opened the door, grabbed a beer off the door, and paused. "Holy shit, Jyn, did you make that?"

Jyn was across the room in a split second, smacking his hand. "Don't touch!"

"Why not?" he whined, cradling his hand.

"Cos I said so." She slapped the door closed. "Go stuff your face with a sandwich. Veggie's on the left side."

Melshi sighed heavily and went to pile his slice of veggie sub high with peppers and mayo.

Leia and her brother came in next, then Kay, then Luke's truck-driver friend, Han, and his large, hairy roommate, Chewie, and then Shara and Kes from down the hall. About half of them mentioned the trifle, and every time, Jyn refused to let them get it out.

It didn't escape Bodhi's notice that Jyn's head snapped around every time the door opened. It also didn't escape his notice that Cassian Andor, who worked at the paper where Jyn sometimes picked up photo gigs, wasn't there yet.

People skipped poker night for work, holidays, hot dates, classes, and exhaustion. Usually they put it in the group text. Bodhi checked his phone. 

"Nobody's canceled," Jyn said without looking at her own.

"Right," Bodhi said, grinning to himself, and arranged his bingo chips. "Okay, who won the last game at Han and Chewie's?" 

"Me," Kes said, raising his hand, and taking the deck to deal. 

Two rounds in, Jyn was looking very downcast, but she still snarled like a Doberman whenever anybody went near the fridge. 

"We ever gonna get some of that dessert?" Han whispered to Bodhi.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Bodhi whispered back.

The doorknob rattled, and Jyn got half out of her chair before the door opened. She sat back down as Cassian came in. "Hey," he said, brushing snow out of his hair. 

"Hey," Jyn said casually. "Thought you weren't going to make it."

"Sorry," he said, shrugging out of his coat. "I kept thinking I was almost done with the article and then I wasn't. How much has Melshi lost?"

Melshi flipped him off. 

"Not enough yet," Jyn said, and got Melshi's finger next. "Did you get anything to eat?"

"No, and I'm dying. Tell me there's something left."

She waved a hand at the subs, mostly decimated on the counter. He put one of each kind on his plate and added mustard, then piled the rest of his plate high with potato chips and the baby carrots that Luke had brought. 

"Should be beers in the fridge," she added. "Oh, and I forgot about a dessert I left in there, can you get it out?"

"Ohhh!"

"So he gets some of that first?"

"I see how it is, Erso!" 

"That's who it was for?"

"Well well well!"

Jyn scowled. "Okay, the lot of you can go fuck yourselves."

"What?" Cassian asked, popping his head up over the fridge door and looking at all of them quizzically. 

"Nothing," Jyn said. "Everybody here is a fucking moron, that's all. You find it?"

"With all the whipped cream? Wow," he said, pulling it out. "This looks amazing, Jyn. Is this the thing you were telling me about last week? Whatsits. Trifle?"

"Oh, yeah, it is," Jyn said as if it was a massive coincidence.

He looked at her for a moment, a little smile playing around the corners of his mouth. "I can't believe it survived this long with these animals."

Melshi opened his mouth, then yelped as if a Doc Marten had met his shin with force. 

"Well, like I said, I forgot about it," Jyn said. 

Bodhi looked across the table at her and mouthed, You're so full of shit. She ignored him, a blush spreading up her face. 

Cassian sat down next to her, juggling his plate of sandwiches and a serving of trifle in a bowl. "This is really good," he said with his mouth full. "I mean, really. Wow." He nudged Luke. "Get some of this, it's incredible."

"Thanks," Jyn said, shrugging, dealing the next hand. "It was nothing."

FINIS

[gloriousunderstanding]

TW: Pet Loss

I lost my most special, precious boy this past Saturday. My beautiful firstborn son, Triton Copernicus, crossed the Rainbow Bridge just before noon. I held him as the doctor put him to sleep. I've never loved another living being the way I loved Triton. I adopted him in 2018 when I first got my own home; his paperwork said he was 4, but when I took him to the vet, they said he could be as old as 10. In late 2018 he was diagnosed with diabetes, and despite regular insulin, there were other complications that led to Triaditis and then ketoacidosis in early 2019. I had to take him to emergency care, but they said with treatment his prospects were good, so I spent several thousand of my savings on his hospital stay and recovery.

For the next 6 years, he flourished.

This guy was my life. We had a routine. He was my perfect little boy and he slept against me under the covers every night. He got his insulin injections twice a day and he was good about it. He loved dinner. He spent most of the evening in my lap made biscuits whenever I'd speak to him. He loved cheese, the rain, and grooming me. He'd consistently stand in front of my computer monitors and knock my mouse off the desk for attention. He'd slap me if I were in bed and he needed something.

He'd been to the vet for his last checkup just a year ago.

Saturday morning, I woke up around 6:00 AM and he was in the bed, but he wasn't acting right. He was disoriented, stumbling, losing his balance, staring at nothing. He started puking and having diarrhea. I took him to the vet at 9:00 AM and after bloodwork and an ultrasound, the doctor told me he had a mass in his abdomen, it was surrounded by fluid, his liver and kidneys were failing, and his blood sugar was critically low. She said I could take him to UT Animal Hospital for emergency surgery, but he was in such a compromised state that it was very possible that he wouldn't make it through surgery, or the subsequent treatments, and even if he did, I was only giving him a little time that would probably be miserable.

Looking back, he did seem a little less active the past week, but cats are notoriously good at masking pain. If anything, I thought maybe his insulin needed to be adjusted.

If you've ever had to make the choice to put a pet to sleep, you know that the guilt is awful. You second guess your decision, even if the vet tells you you're making the humane choice. There's a part of me that is at least grateful that the end came quickly; I'm not sure I could have handled seeing him suffer and waste away. But at the same time, Saturday was a shock. After the doctor told me his test results and I understood what was going to happen, all I could about was how in the last couple of days, everything I'd experienced with Triton had been his "last" -- his last dinner, his last time chasing his sister, his last time making biscuits, his last time sleeping against me.

Now, I hate being at home. I see him everywhere. His toys, his favorite blanket, his insulin bottle in the fridge, every fucking piece of fur on my bed and clothes. I've never felt pain like this. I knew it would come eventually, but fuck. Nights are the worst. He should be in my lap right now. He should have just had his insulin and his dinner and he should be napping in my lap while I bullshit online. And then in a few hours, I'll get into bed and he'll get into his regular spot to my right, wait for me to pull up the covers so he can get under them, and then curl up with his feet against my skin, and his nose against my arm.

None of that will ever happen again and I miss him so much, it really does feel like there's a physical void in my chest, in my stomach. I keep having to stop my thoughts because nearly all of them are of him and if I dwell on it for more than a few seconds, the tears start. Everything that brought me joy just feels bitter. The rain (Triton loved the rain like I do -- I'd crack the window and he'd lay there and smell it and listen to it, and nap), the snow (I thought I'd have another cozy winter with him, but I won't), the electric fireplace, my snacks (which he'd try to steal) games/movies (he'd lay in my lap as I watched them, and sometimes I'd comment to him). That little boy was part of literally every aspect of my life.

Apologies for the long, rambling post, but I have so much grief in me that I wanted to channel it somewhere. No one has to respond to this, I know it's awkward and a lot. But if you've lost a beloved pet, you'll know what I mean. I have two other cats, and I'm sure this sounds terrible, but I never bonded with them the same way. Triton was different. I love them, but my feelings for Triton were literally like he was my child. It hurts to even pet my other cats now, as cruel as that sounds. I pet them and I think of Triton.

I hope he was happy. I hope he understood, as much as he could, that I loved him. I think he probably did. I'm glad the vet told me I did the right thing.

I know time is the only thing that'll help, but God. I hurt so much I wish I could put my body on hold.

[nihilisticlinguistics]

Significant progress on @batmanisagatewaydrug's 2025 book bingo since my last update a few weeks ago.

I had a...challenging time for a while, I have to admit. The next book on my list was We Do This Til We Free Us by Mariame Kaba for the Social Justice and Activism square...which came in on Libby the day of the inauguration. It took several days for me to gather the mental energy to think about resistance, but once I got into the swing of it I found that it was not so daunting as I feared. As Kaba says, hope is a discipline, and it still took a lot of discipline to center her work in my thoughts during the initial chaos of Trump Presidency #2. It's a remarkable and thoughtfully composed book, a sort of anthology of her writings over the last 10 (or more) years. I look forward to adding this one to my collection, so I can revisit its teachings again and again.

After that, I rolled right into my Literary Fiction square with Ralph Ellison's novel Invisible Man. What a powerful, insightful story--to me, certainly on par with and reminiscent of The Grapes of Wrath in its incisive cultural critique and vivid characterization. I found it weird, hectic, and unsettling, all while rendering with great accuracy the ways that people reify, exploit, and resist America's racist society.

I definitely needed a palate cleanser after two hard-hitting books about Racism in the USA, so I was thrilled when my library hold for Nnedi Okorafor's Zahrah the Windseeker came in. This YA fantasy book was for my Published in the Aughts square, and it's super cute. Zahrah, born with a magical influence in her life, develops the power to levitate which sets off a whirlwind exploration through a forbidden jungle to save her best friend's life. It's whimsical and fun and I am in love with Okorafor's worldbuilding here. I want a computer that's also a plant that grows up with me. I want to hang out with the gorilla village. I think anyone who is into Tamora Pierce's Circle of Magic series would also enjoy Zahrah the Windseeker.

And in the last two days I absolutely breezed through Traci Chee's wonderful novel A Thousand Steps Into Night, which I read for my Fantasy square. Folks, this book had my heart very early on thanks to the charms of the heroine, Otori Miuko, and her quest to remain human despite an encroaching demon curse had me locked in, start to finish. Stories of a 'long journey toward a fixed locational goal' often get repetitive, but Chee kept the story's developments feeling fresh the whole way through, with a willingness to toss in and develop new side characters and expand the story world at every turn. I'm obsessed with the choice to throw in time travel halfway through and I think more authors should do that. Highly, highly recommend!

[amethystamanda]

Historical Gigs: Midwife/Suggestions for others

These are sets of odd jobs that your sims can take on the side to make some money or help out in the community. I haven't seen any specifically historically-based ones, so I decided to make some.

Currently, there's one set, with plans for more. There's also a form linked below to give suggestions.

These are rabbitholes only.

MIDWIFE GIGS:

Why I chose this one to start: I've heard stories all my life about my own great-grandmother, Aunt Rachel, who would be called out of bed at literally any time of the day, any day of the year, to get in a tiny boat to head out to help a woman give birth. She would be gone for days, leaving her own family behind so that another one would hopefully have not only a new member, but also keep the mother/wife/daughter that they already had.

A general historical career option for women, throughout most of history, going back literally thousands of years. I tried my best to be fairly non-specific in my language so that it should cover most eras. There's reference to 'the Lady' and 'the young maid,' both of which should be fairly generic, I think.

There are 5 different gigs at present, with different recommended skill levels. I chose parenting skill, as that deals with children, and I would assume most midwives would historically have been mothers, grandmothers, etc. They will also gain a tiny bit of parenting skill at the gig.

Male sims can't see these gigs, since it's historically specifically a woman's profession. Teen sims can see some, but not all, since I would think experience would be expected for helping the Lady than for lower level gigs.

The customers vary by gig--a man looking for help for his wife (he may not be married, but he should be a male sim), a woman, or a child/teen. If you don't have enough sims in your save, some may be generated. No babies will be born as a result of these gigs.

The length and pay vary. Not all gigs will show at once--some prefer higher levels of experience/a higher reputation. They're available on the phone or computer (assuming your computer shows Odd Jobs, I can't guarantee it will work on all cc computers), and presumably anywhere else Odd Jobs show, if you have a mod to make them show up elsewhere.

They're available whenever Odd Jobs are available, I haven't altered that, even though a midwife would be called out at all hours of the day and night. They refresh daily. There is a delay before your sim leaves--they should leave at the start of the next hour. That gives them time to gather their supplies, put on clothes that are easy to clean or that they don't mind not getting clean, tell their eldest daughter to mind the children, etc.

At present, the longest is, I think, 12 hours. In reality, a midwife may have been gone for days or weeks, until the mother could manage on her own/arrangements were made. That was what they did. But it's not really realistic for most people's aging to have a sim gone in a rabbithole for a week. I'm also not sure what would happen if you switched households--I think they'd be gone until after you switched back, and then they'd just continue where you left off, which would be okay for a few hours, but not so much if it's going to be days. They also would often go without pay other than the room and board that was provided, or be paid in food/other goods, but that's also not something that would reflect well in game.

Some of the endings of the gigs aren't pretty. A failure for a midwife is a failure for more than the midwife, and I did not pretend otherwise. Feel free to skip this one if you can't/don't want to face that. Some of the endings are happy, and you should see more of these if you pick gigs that match your sim's skill level. There are two happy and two sad endings for each gig.

DOWNLOAD:

You NEED Island Living. That's where odd jobs come from.

The customer filter file (amethystlilac_HistoricalOddJobs_CustomerFiltersREQUIRED.package) is required. It will be used across multiple types of gigs to determine who the customers are. You WILL get errors and the job picker won't open if you don't have that file.

Choose whichever of the other files you want in your game. Currently that's only Midwife.

Download: http://simfileshare.net/folder/224340/

SUGGESTIONS:

I am open to suggestions for gigs. Otherwise I'll end up only making gig I want to send my current sims on, which is limited by what they're doing at the moment and my imagination.

Submit suggestions here: https://forms.gle/D9WwFALr91H4P5XW8

No google account is required. It's open to everyone.

I'm going to be honest: paying patrons would have a higher chance of having their suggestions happen. As I currently don't have any paying patrons, I won't be making a post for that at this point. If that's something that interests you, you can sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/amethystlilac

Recommended Other Mods to Complement These:

By @midnitetech, Odd_Jobs_HideMaxis. Hides the game's odd jobs so that custom odd jobs are much more likely to appear. Only use this is you don't want to also use EA's odd jobs. Available here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/mini-mods-69172769

By Ilkavelle, Odd Jobs Unlocked For Children. Not currently useful for anything I have, but likely in the future. And the One Time Jobs for Children and Teens that it works with is another possible source of income for some historical saves. Available here: https://ilkavelle.wixsite.com/simsquest/post/one-time-jobs-for-children-and-teens

UPDATES:

Nov 10, 2024: The customer filters file has been updated to blacklist special sims from Life and Death and from Lovestruck. The midwife gigs file has been updated for behind the scenes reasons that have nothing to do with mod function. You don't need to redownload that one.

Feb 25, 2025 (and also sometime in January that I apparently forgot to note): customer filter updated to block the burglar from being your customer (and also Emit Relevant)

[widowling]

You know what? There are things about all the games that I like and dislike.

I love the scope of Dragon Age: Origins. It truly introduces you to the variety in this world and has an epic feel to the dangers you face. The writing is amazing. I still get chills at Ostagar. I love the companions. I have never loved a character so instantly than I have Alistair. I love that you can become a warrior queen. I love the infinite choice in the game. You can play it differently every time if you wanted. Its probably the only game in the series that allows you to truly customize your protagonist.

But, I can not stand the combat. It has aged terribly and it was never very good. How am I somehow micromanaging what everyone is doing and doing nothing at the same time? The game kind of feels like a complete slog to get through. If I could just play this game as a series of cutscenes, i would. The entirety of the game is amazing, but the individual parts? Redcliffe? The Circle of Magi? The Deep Roads? THE FADE??? I hate doing all those parts. You can tell its a post-9/11 game at times in how they characterize the Qunari. It has one of my least favorite tropes in fantasy: A dark, inexplicably evil race that invades and corrupts fantasy Europe.

I love the characters in Dragon Age 2. I love the change in the combat here too. I love Hawke as a main character. I love that it takes place over approximately ten years, allowing you to spend so much time with your companions and growing attached to the city. Varric is truly one of the best characters in the series. I love the narrative structure. Varric telling the story to Cassandra as an unreliable narrator? Absolute peak video game writing!

But, i don't think i could say anything new about the very obvious flaws in this game that haven't already been acknowledged a thousand times. It was rushed. It looks terrible. The game feels like one long prologue. I keep waiting for the 'real' game to begin, for the world to open up. It never does.

I love the lore of Inquisition. I love that it plays with myth and legend in a way that the other games don't. Personally, I really liked the open world although i understand criticism against it. The game looks beautiful. I love its epic scope, its world-shattering implications. Solas is truly one of my most favorite characters of all time. It has some of my favourite missions in the entire series. Going back in time to save the mages at Redcliffe? Love it. Playing the Great Game at the Winter Palace? Top Tier. Adamant Fortress? Amazing! Honestly, Inquisition remains my comfort game. I have sprinted towards it in some of the darkest times of my life.

But, I'll never forgive them for putting the real ending of the game in a DLC. Without Trespasser, the ending of the game with just defeating Corypheus in what, at that point, is a fairly easy boss battle is a complete anticlimax. The companions in the game really do just feel like co-workers, not friends. There is a coldness in Inquisition, a loneliness, that does not exist in the other games. Maybe that's just what its like to be the Herald of Andraste, but the companions should have been different. I'm also still salty that they never really fixed the banter bug. I am running around for hours, and never hearing the friends speak to one another.

I love Veilgaurd too, although I certainly haven't played it as much as the other games. My computer can barely run it, to be honest. That's my fault. I love that the companion quests run throughout the game and aren't just a short little one-off quest. There are mechanics in this game that I hope are implemented in other RPGs, like the banter continuing if its interrupted or that you can choose the appearance of an armour without sacrificing its stats. I really liked the antagonists. I loved the ending, honestly placing it at the level of Mass Effect 2's Suicide Mission with its drama and sacrifice. Rook, I think, is my favourite protagonist so far. I love my Inquisitor, but I did all the work there. Rook is capable, integrated in the narrative, and has amazing dialogue and personality options. I love that you can choose your factions and origins with out the strict rules placed on former protagonists. Hawke could only ever be human, with their class determining more. The Inquisitor could only ever be a dalish elf, or a quanri mercenary, or a carta dwarf, or a human noble / circle mage. But Rook can be a Quanri veil jumper or a dwarf in the mourn watch. Rook is a great protagonist. Also, all I wanted was a reference to Solavellan and I got so much more than I could ever have hoped for. That story in particular had such depth and meaning. It impacted me profoundly.

But, I found the pacing a little strange. It lacked the urgency of Inquisition. The narrative relies on telling, not showing. It should have had a moment like Ostagar. The fall of Weisshaupt came close, as did the choice between Treviso and Minrathous, but Origins did more with much less by showing the cutscene of King Cailan being crushed by the ogre. We should have had a completely brutal image like that to showcase the threat. We're told about these things, but we don't get to see them. I disliked reading about the chaos in the South and never getting to see it, being told not to worry about it, when I have such a strong connection to Fereldan and Kirkwall and Orlais from the previous games.

But, honestly, at the end of the day, I like Dragon Age. I have many flaws, but I am not a hater. I don't like things I dislike. I do think some people might be a fan of a particular game in the series, and not the whole series and that's okay because there is no single 'right' way for a dragon age game to be. The games are radically different from one another, in a way that, for instance, Mass Effect is not. Because of the inherent differences between the games, I like and dislike various things from game to game. But, at the end of the day, i just like Dragon Age. I like the games, I like the books, I like the comics. I'm honestly not sure what drove me to write this, other than procrastinating from writing my thesis, but here it is. I do wish Veilgaurd was a more obvious smash success, just to keep Bioware releasing games in the future and protecting it from whatever fuckery EA is up to. I do have a sinking feeling that this might be it. We might never get another game or a remaster. Bioware was always the weird outcasts of EA and Dragon Age was also less popular than Mass Effect. I'm not sold on Mass Effect 5 yet, but I remain forever hopeful because I love to love things. And I love these games.

[mortalmab]

Writing about oneself is the hardest thing we have to do in the job market. Thank god I have a degree in creative writing. This means not only do I have the ability to stare at a blank page in fear, I also have the ability to image the most creatively terrifying scenarios for what happens if I write the wrong words.

Companies now want you to make an account with them in order to apply for their jobs. They put in big colorful letters with cheerful fonts things like "Show us the real you!" "Pitch yourself!" "Tell us why we should give a rats ass about hiring someone who can't even get a computer algorithm to recognize the key words on their resume! :)" And all it does is paralyze you in the moment because "woah, why did my teachers bother teaching me to sit down and be quiet and humble for 12 to 16 years if as soon as I got into the job market everyone was gonna want me to talk about how great I am? I didn't study for this test, I studied for the other one!"

And why do I have to make an account with you to work for you? Shouldn't it be that I get the job then have to make an account so you can track me and my computer? I'm feeling a little pre-judged here. I was always told you approached the company that put out a hiring ad, you gave them your resume, the human looking it over would decide if you had the necessary skills or qualifications, you schedule a job interview, and then promptly go outside and throw up because you were sure you bombed it and you held tight to the conviction until they told you if you go the job. But noooo. There is no human in Human Resources. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. Nobody gets to see your resume unless the almighty algorithm decides you cracked the code. What is the code? Only the algorithm knows and it's not telling - not even the employers know.

So they say, "We put out job ads, but nobody is applying. I guess nobody wants to work these days." and we say "We sent ten thousand resumes and cover letters with words lifted DIRECTLY from your advertisement but you refuse to hire and say we don't want to work?"

and they say "You copied and pasted from the ad? So you plagiarized? Don't you have a creative writing degree? Money well spent, I see."

and we say "But if we don't have the exact words from the ad in our resumes, cover letters, CVs, and personal accounts with your company, the algorithm won't even let you see us!"

and THEY say "Who's Al Gorithm? didn't he run for president one time? He's working in our HR department now? I dunno, if HE says you aren't qualified, who am I to disagree? But! I tell you what. Make an argument to me right now about why I should hire you and I'll take a look at your resume. If I think you look qualified, we'll set up a job interview."

And now I want to cry because wasn't that how it was supposed to go in the first place? Couldn't we have cut out the artificial middleman and saved ourselves the hassle? Meanwhile everyone who already works at the company is desperately trying to fix all the mistakes the algorithm makes so they're too busy running around with fire extinguishers to have the time for me and my application.

Which means my unemployed ass has time to sit on the internet and flex that creative writing degree, hoping to get a chuckle out of someone for that <little> squeeze of validation the company can't be bothered to give.

[dutyworn]

pc rambles, don't mind me

so i'm planning to build a computer for the first! time, sometime next year, and i'm at the point where i'm choosing the parts, so that i can start buying them earlier over the months/years to be able to wait for sales and stuff like that. i have never had a desktop pc and i've never built a pc and i am so thrilled to do it, almost not at all intimidated (it looks like lego for adults and fun), especially as i've been developing a special interest in computer parts and therefore learning more and more about computers

i'm 99.9 percent certain that i want a ryzen 7 7800X3D and 100 percent certain that i want an AM5 processor, and i'm leaning heavily towards one of the RTX 4070s (why are there like FOUR DIFFERENT MODELS OF THE 4070 GUYS), most likely RTX 4070 Super or Ti Super because fuck only 8GB of VRAM for that pricetag for the non-supers??? honestly fuck the pricetag of the Ti Super and Super anyway because ????????????????????? this is supposed to be a mid-high graphics card and the Ti Super is OVER A THOUSAND currently with import taxes, and i feel like if i went for AMD instead of nvidia i could buy a slightly lower end graphics card for half the price, but because of the non-gaming stuff that i like to do, i am kind of restricted to nvidia.

so basically waiting for black friday sales or such while i save moneys.

i don't really know their plans for the 4000 series anyway now that the 5000 series is out but i am? holding? out? hope? for... price drops...? i'm not really even looking at the newest series unless for some reason there were discounts that let me buy something better or as good for less money but that's. ey.

if i sound like i know what i'm talking about, i probably don't.

need to learn much more about relevant motherboards before picking my options there, but as a data hoarderTM, i do want lots of storage connectivity. i actually was going to buy a new external hdd sometimes this year but if i build a computer next year... internal hdds are so much cheaper, so i might just wait for that. i mean, i'm prioritising the fastest ssds before thinking about general storage, one for OS and one for programs/games/etc., i just want many, many slots for storage i can upgrade later.

i do want a fishtank case with a glass wall, but i'm actually not too much into rgb light aesthetics, and i'm currently favouring the thought of noctua fans all around, and aircooling, rather than liquid.

i also. they need to start making 24 inch screens that are 1440p. there is literally a single option for a higher refresh rate screen that is 24 inch and 1440p. i don't want a 27 inch screen! that's huge! and i don't want 1080p for 24 inches. i'm used to a 15 inch laptop screen with 1080p, no way will i go for 1080p in a screen bigger than 20 inches. i want the ppi, thank you.

so, yes, i currently have a laptop (i5-11300H, RTX 3060 laptop version), that i mostly use with an external keyboard, which is nice, but i also do... want a new keyboard... probably to use with my laptop even before i start buying computer parts?

i'm not saying i'm getting fully into custom keyboards but i am saying that i want a tactile, customisable keyboard (i have my eyes on one). my current one is um. 65 percent, i think, or 60, i forget the difference, and that is fine because i also have my 75 percent laptop keyboard i can use the arrow keys etc. on for ease of access, but i definitely want at least a 75 percent, or 80 percent one this time. if i get different switches i can also have a different typing feel based on my mood! ksnsbnsmbns

but like. i want to be able to switch out the keycaps and switches if i so choose. i also don't want another one where the keys are hard to use unless the rgb light is on, like my current one. yes, i could just set it at a white light but... i don't like using the computer in the dark anyway, i don't want to have to have rgb on?

and i know linear switches or a low profile might make more sense for gaming but i also don't caaaaaaaare i want my tactile switches. i want that thonk.

anyway the other night my partner was talking about a nerdy thing they had bought for their apartment, and i was like, wanna know how nerdy i am? and they were like, you own a garrus vakarian body pillow. and i was like. ok. yes, but, not what i was gonna say ksnsmabsnmsas. i've been watching hours and hours of computer building videos and how-tos and it's way over a year until i am even planning to build mine. that's how nerdy i am.

my uncle built a computer before it was cool, like late 90s i think, so i'm continuing the legacy i guess

[stagmage]

I'm back briefly because I'm in need of microblogging. Don't read if you're disinterested in the ugly details of a stranger's life. And if you are interested in the ugly details of a stranger's life, that's trashy but I feel you.

I have lived with a domestically violent person for over a decade. Half that time I thought I was in love, and the other half I've been economically compelled to stay - turns out when you're socially isolated, your abuser can offer an unbeatable deal on rent.

Last year, in August, I got diagnosed with autism/ADHD, in addition to cPTSD. I put my foot down and said I need support and I need the violence to stop. Spoiler alert, it didn't.

In March, they were violent again and I went "wow, no, not what I signed up for, I'm not paying rent on a house I'm not safe to be in". And I withheld my rent for three months to build a safety net. And things slowly calmed down again. I felt safer with my emergency savings.

In June, they broke their finger and stopped working. I had to hand over all my savings in order to keep us from being kicked out. They then sat around the house for a month berating and belittling me.

In July, they assaulted me again.

None of the recommendations or habits that I've tried to institute since my diagnosis have been implemented.

I currently spend my days on the computer trying to distract myself from the hell I live in. When they get out of bed at 4pm I go hide in my room. If I don't go hide in my room I get abused. Only the performance of total neutrality keeps their aggression at bay, and only sometimes.

I have an occupational therapist's recommendations pending, and psychiatric treatment booked in for next week. This cost a thousand dollars that I don't have.

I hate living with animals who are also obviously afraid of my abuser, and not being able to do anything for them. I can't keep them as I can't afford to provide for them. I can't take care of them here because that escalates the abuse, and I can't ignore them because I love them. It's actually torture.

My one goal when I left home as a teenager was "let's find a place where people don't use hitting each other to address their problems". Now my one goal is "get other human beings the fuck away from you, none of them can be trusted not to hit". Everything I've ever tried to build has been taken away in violence. I can't handle it anymore.

The most important things to do now are A) stop wallowing and B) be patient. I've organised a lot of medical care that I sorely need, and the world will look more manageable soon. I'm collapsing right now, but bemoaning my situation only heightens my distress. I have to believe that this isn't permanent and that keeping good boundaries will lead to positive change and growth for me.

Fuck, it's hard, though. Hence this post. I lose track of what's happened, and what's happening, and I internalise the abusive language, and I despair a little and hate myself. Writing it all out reminds me that it's a heavy scene and that I deserve some sympathy, even if only from myself.

Anyway, reblogging silly memes doesn't really match where my head is at, so I'm still avoiding tumblr for now. I'm too short on sanity for social media. And I don't know how to end this post, so...end post.

[bellybiologist]

Tallying up the Year

I hope you guys' december (which is almost over already, wtf) is going/has gone well! 2024 is upon us.

This christmas weekend, I mostly found myself thinking about how this year went, and honestly? despite all the things I haven't gotten to do, I still managed to accomplish quite a lot.

Me typing this rambly post out is less anything anyone needs to read, but more to remind myself of Things That Got Done™ than anything else because sometimes... I forget I do be getting shit done! And it's important we remind ourselves of the work we do.

The Things That got Done™

I advocated for my own Health. I scheduled (and went to!) so many doctor and dental appointments this year, holy shit. But, if the last few years have taught me anything, I simply have to put in the effort. I got my colon mostly sorted out, started a new regimen for my skin and hair (after chopping it off) so I'm feeling better, schedule an appointment with the optometrist in January, and even got lots of issues with my teeth fixed. Granted, our broken medical system made it incredibly stressful, and i spent thousands of dollars on the latter that I will be paying off til next july BUT!!!! This section is about the good things.

Started Streaming Again! I've been missing streaming since I stopped way back in I believe 2020. It was a fun way to interact with followers and supporters, so I'm glad I'm back to it on a regular schedule, with many of the old regulars still joining me while I work. Speaking of which:

I finished 43 total stream doodles. While I'm only filling a handful a month, it's definitely adding up! 40+ boys in the span of 5 months is nothing to scoff at, and that's not even considering that I'm doing this alongside normal patreon work.

I finished 39 total commissions this year. I'm definitely still going quite slowly, and I thank everyone who has been extraordinarily patient thus far, but I'm happy to say that my pace has been decent... at least relative to previous years. I got more done in the last 5 months than i did in the roughly year and a half period before 2023!

Replaced SEVERAL appliances that broke down. My computer moniter, my microwave, my refrigerator... all failed on my this year, and it took some work, but I finally managed to get them all replaced! So far, everything is working fine, but next on my agenda is to save up for a new desktop. This one I use for work has been at it since 2017, and it's about time to look into upgrading.

My Google Drive is Looking Nice. It's still not perfect, but I'm still immensely proud of how it's shaping up. There's still some curating of older pieces to do, but I've found a stride where I'm regularly updating it for people to peruse.

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Now despite these W's, I still got a long way to go. The things below could be considered resolutions for 2024, but that feels cursed to call them that. They are simply:

Things I Want to GET Done

Adding more YCH Figures. I was definitely expecting to have more to choose from by this point. And I really need to update some of the older ones too, because I think they've aged poorly. I got some neat suggestions and hopefully will find some time this week to showcase them in my discord to collect some feedback before releasing them.

Do more involved pieces/projects. I want to do more things like Comics, or simply pieces that I work on over the course of several sittings, ones where I can experiment and fiddle and practice!!! I rarely ever get to do that these days (I've only finished a few Big Personal Pieces this year), and I need to find time and energy to do them more because those are the things that truly make me feel like I grow as an artist. (and maybe I can find a shading style I actually fucking tolerate.). I also want to get more OC development and stuff done too, cuz I really didn't draw my children a whole lot this year!

Make more fucking Money!!!!! Let's not kid ourselves. I want to get to a point where I'm not just barely meeting the monthly quota. How to get there? I don't know, honestly. Things are so very stacked against artists right now, so it really does feel like the only thing that can be done is Not Give Up. Which I won't do. If/when I go down, I'm making it everyone else's problem. Trust. 😏

Save up to Visit the Boyfriend. I haven't seen him since January 2022! Big goal is to be comfortable enough to where I can fly my ass up there and smooch him. 👏🏽

======

I won't lie, i'm going into 2024 quite anxious and still scraping by by the skin of my teeth (that I'm still paying for). It's going to be a BIG year cuz oh boy, it's election year, there's plenty of family developments i gotta keep an eye on and work to be a part of... not to mention all the horrible stuff going on still (free palestine!).

Here's hoping shit goes our way this coming year! And let's get ,more strikes going so everyone is getting their fucking money!!! :V

[bellysoupset]

I think the original ask for this was from @sleepysickies, but my inbox may have eaten it. I'm sorry! Either way: jealous Bella who's sick + Lucas.

-----

Her head was throbbing.

It had been throbbing since the previous day, when she had been out with Wendy looking for house decor and she had thought it was simply from eating so much salt and not drinking enough water, but by now Bella was seriously starting to consider something else was at play.

Not only her head was aching like a nightmare, her stomach was super upset. She had forced herself to eat something for lunch, since she had skipped breakfast, but it had been a mistake. The few bites of her salad were swirling away, sending up the tiniest burps that tasted like bloody grass and to make matters worse today she was in student duty, which meant that instead of working from the nice A/C office, she was running around campus helping students with their issues.

This had been how she had met Lucas and the fact only made her all the more bitter.

At least it was the last call she had for the night, then she could clock out and go the fuck home.

It was decently late, she always got the late shifts that no one wanted, around 9 PM and the call was from the library. A group of girls were reunited around the computer, as if they could somehow summon it into working.

"Hi, Samantha Andrews?" Bella called, tugging on her red polo. It felt like it was suffocating her, "you called because there was an issue with your machine?"

"Yes," Sam was the shorter of the three girls, "I don't know what happened, I was trying to save my design and the whole thing bluescreened... Did I loose everything? It's due tomorrow-" it was always due tomorrow, Bella hadn't ever met a student who did things in time.

"Let me check," she sat down before the machine, starting to do the obvious things but that most people didn't bother to do before calling IT: cleaning cache, defragmenting, cleaning disks, running a virus check-

"No, I'm serious," one of Sam's friends said, giggling, "he walked up to me."

"Bullshit Melissa, he dates."

"So what?" Sam scoffed, backing Melissa up, "these football guys cheat on their girlfriends all the time, I don't think dating would stop him from making a pass on Mel."

"Guys, no," Mel whined, "I heard he's single now."

Bella tried not to listen, she really did. However while the malware scan ran, there were only two things to do: stare at nothing and overhear. Or she could focus on the horrible burning in her stomach, gurgling like hell. She could taste her lunch.

"Again, bullshit," the third friend replied, "we'd all know if the captain of the football team was single."

Oh no. Bella almost groaned out loud, she couldn't believe they had to be talking about Lucas of all fucking people to be talking about. With seven-fucking-thousand students and yet they had to be talking about the one guy she didn't want to hear gossip about.

"I think you are just jealous that he didn't want to take you home, Kelsey," Melissa scoffed and Bella's stomach churned at the mere mental image of it. She glanced over her shoulder. They all looked younger than her, they were first years for sure... Maybe second years.

Melissa was a ginger.

Bella pressed her lips tightly together, feeling sweat break over her forehead. She tried not to picture Lucas actually making a move on Melissa, but it was impossible, he was vivid in her mental image. The lopsided smile that used to make her knees weak, the sparkly green eyes... Her belly whined, being covered up by Kelsey gasping, offended.

"I am not! I'm just saying it sounds a little outlandish-"

"So what did he say exactly?" Sam asked, all interested. Bella burped, keeping her mouth shut and felt as little chunks went up her throat, then back down.

"We played some drinking game with his buddies and then he asked me if I wanted to leave with him," Melissa sounded so proud of herself, "his eyes are literally so pretty up close."

"Why didn't you?" Kelsey frowned, pouting and offended by the accusations.

"Some other football guy interrupted us," Melissa shrugged, "the one who looks like a disney prince."

"None of them," Kelsey chuckled, voice dripping venom.

"The one with the blonde hair?" Sam asked, frowning.

"No, the other one."

"None of them-"

"Uhm," Bella got up on shaky legs. She really was starting to feel faint, not just out of the pure anger at Lucas making passes in that barely legal walmart version of herself, but the queasiness had evolved into full on nausea, "there's a virus in your computer, we're - I'm going to warn the office to solve it remotely..." she squeezed the chair under her hand, "and to try and retrieve your work. They'll text you your protocol number-" her stomach clenched again and she gulped down, "is your phone up... Updated?"

"I think so?" Sam nodded nervously, "do I have to stick around...?"

"I'm afraid so," Bella agreed, trying to sound professional, "if that's all, then I'll go let them know."

"Yeah, that's all, thanks!" Sam smiled sweetly, before promptly sitting down on the chair Bella had left vacant and launching herself back into the gossiping.

Bella all but stumbled out to the front desk of the library. She used the staff phone to call IT and let them know, pressing her forehead to the cold wall.

Do you wanna go home with me?

What a fucking line, she scoffed, rattling off Sam's issue and quickly hanging up. She just really needed to go home... Or maybe get to the bathroom before she made a mess of herself.

Bella managed to turn the hallway and then another one, feeling drunk and disconnected from her body, until she slammed against a slab of concrete and nearly fell back on her ass, wasn't it for the slab reaching out and grabbing her arms.

"Hey!" Lucas' yelped, then sounded all breathy as he said, "Bell?!"

"Fuck," she groaned, "not you."

"Oh wow, you're the one who tried to run me over," he pouted, but didn't sound actually offended, "are you alright...?"

"What do you care?" Bella braced her hands against her knees, they were clammy, "you're ridiculous, you know? Moving on with a girl who just barely got her tits? Fan-fucking-tastic."

"I'm sorry...?" Luke frowned, all confused, "Bells, whatever are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you trying to fuck my cheap Walmart dupe," she gulped against the burning in her belly, swallowing it all down. Even nausea had to wait, because he couldn't just go and grab the first pale version of herself he could find. What a massive asshole.

"You're not making any sense... And no offense, but you look terrible, are you okay?"

"How-" she slammed a hand against his chest, "how dare you?"

Lucas planted a hand over hers in his chest, keeping it there. She could just feel his heart and Bella groaned, attempting to pull back, "how dare I do what?"

"Flirt with Daphne from Scooby Doo!" Bella glared at him, "really? Is that all it takes, a head of ginger hair?"

He let out an amused smile, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Bells..." then the little concerned wrinkle appeared back between his eyebrows, "is this about Spencer's sister?"

"Even her name- Mel" Bella groaned, "you make me sick."

"Oh it totally is," he let out a snort, "so what did you hear? Nothing good, I'm gonna guess-" once more she attempted to pull her hand back, since he was running his thumb teasingly over her knuckles, but Lucas kept it firmly into place over his chest, "I bet they're saying I made out with her?"

Her lunch moved up and Bella groaned, hanging her head, suddenly too nauseous to argue, "Luke, stop-"

"No, wait, it's probably even worse," he sounded a little sadistic, "to get you this pissed off- I fucked her and she's moving in with me."

"Luke, I..." she felt her eyes burn, mouth filling up with saliva. Bella attempted to swallow it down, failed miserably as it immediately filled up her mouth all over again, tasting even worse-

"You know it's all garbage, Bella, there's been no one since you," he squeezed her hand in his and she opened her mouth to retort, but there was a rush in her ears and suddenly she vomited all over the space between them, coving the tip of his sneakers with bright green.

"Told you to stop," she groaned and then her knees gave in. Luckily Lucas was already moving and he caught her easily, supporting her standing up.

"Bella, jesus- Baby, open your eyes, look at me- Bella, look at me!"

"Uhm-" her stomach gurgled and her head ached as she attempted to open her eyes, "Luke-"

"Okay, fuck this-" he quickly swooped her up, picking her up bridal style, "What the hell is going on?!"

Bella could've cried. She had missed him more than anything. This Lucas, not the stupid idiot who kept sending gifts to her dorm, this guy. The concerned sweetheart, who dropped everything for her, who made her feel number one even when she was feeling all types of crappy.

"Bells, please, talk to me?" he sounded very urgent.

"I wanna lie down," she groaned, squeezing his shirt in her fist and he nodded, pulling her up in his arms in order to fix her arms around neck and so he could press a kiss to her brow.

"I'm taking you home, don't worry-" he sighed, "you're definitely running a fever."

She closed her eyes, letting the momentary comfort wash over her, trying not to focus in the horrible sloshing in her belly. Going up and down with each of Lucas' footsteps as he carried her down the parking lot.

"I need to- My car is here..." she groaned and Lucas hummed something, his thumb brushing her back up and down.

"I'll get it later, Bella..."

She heard, faintly, the beep of his car unlocking and then Lucas was putting her sitting down in the passenger seat of his truck, his face coming into view once again. Bella groaned, dizzily resting back against the leather seat, as he strapped her in.

"Your hair is longer," she mumbled, blinking against the sudden exhaustion. Lucas let out a surprised chuckle, fixing the seatbelt so it wouldn't press against her belly too much.

"Yeah... So what is this? Are you in pain? Should I take you to the hospital or home-"

"I think it's just the flu," Bella sighed, breathing out, "I'm really queasy..."

"Tell me if I need to pull over, okay?" Lucas cupped her face, without thinking, planting a kiss to her forehead, "You'll be in bed soon."

Her eyes burned with a renewed desire to cry, so Bella just squeezed them shut and pressed her forehead to the cold window as he shut the door gently.

He didn't say anything else, despite the fact Bell could almost hear his frantic thoughts. Instead Lucas' hand came to rest at her knee, rubbing little circles against her skin with his thumb, as he split his attention between the road and her.

"I'm sorry about your shoes-"

"Whatever you heard about Mel is a lie."

They spoke at the same time and Bella opened a smile, curling up more in the seat as she felt her belly gurgle uneasily. She forced her eyes open, "what did happen with Mel?"

"Nothing," Lucas squeezed her thigh again, "she was drunk at a party I was at. She's Spencer's little sister, so I offered to drive her home. Aidan said he'd do it, so I dropped it, that was all."

She huffed, muffling a small sickening burp against her hand and Bella paused, swallowing against the urge to retch, now for a whole new reason, "uhm... So you didn't invite her home with you?"

"Please," he scoffed, then squeezed her leg again, "how are you feeling?"

"Humiliated," Bella closed her eyes, then leaned in and planted her head to his shoulder, "this doesn't mean anything."

"Okay," Lucas huffed, "you're really warm, baby."

"Yeah, I know..." she breathed out, slumping against him and pressing her nose to his jacket. It almost hurt how much she missed him.

Bell wasn't sure if she had drifted off or if Lucas was speeding, probably both, because they arrived at her dorm pretty quickly despite the fact it wasn't that close to campus.

She slowly peeled off from him, a blotch of red in the middle of her cheek from where it had been pressed against his arm. The movement was enough to wake up her stomach and Bella groaned as a wash of nausea rushed through her.

She undid the seatbelt, planting her hands to the dashboard and glaring at her feet, swallowing the bitter spit filling up her mouth. The passenger door opened.

"Bells?"

"Gonna be sick," she groaned, breathing deeply through her nose, "it really... It really fucking hurts, Luke..."

"C'mere," he turned her legs around, so instead of facing the inside of the car, she was sitting facing the outside. Bella shuddered as she felt him pull all of her hair up, a cold hand resting on her overheated nape.

She let out a moan, pressing a hand over her stomach, the uniform still clinging to her skin and suffocating, "it's not coming up."

"Let's get you inside then..."

It was awkward, to say the least. They weren't dating, they weren't even on speaking terms... Luke hadn't been to her dorm in so long that he no longer had a key. And yet here they were, Bella feeling too awful to pretend she didn't desperately crave the comfort he provided, Luke's arm wrapped around her shoulder as he held her up, unbothered by the sickly little burps she kept muffling against his chest.

"Keys?"

"My bag..." Bella shuddered, bracing against the door, "please hurry up..."

"Just a second, baby," he fiddled with her fussy lock for a second, before pushing it open just as Bella gagged against her hand. She didn't even wait for Luke to move out of her way, instead she snuck under his arm and rushed to the bathroom, dropping her bag in her hurry.

She didn't make it to the toilet, but to the sink and Bella immediately coughed up another gush of bright green puke. Her belly squeezed, whole body on fire and head swimming with the awful sensation.

Lucas pulled up her hair, gently peeling some curls that had stuck to the side of her sweaty forehead, "what the hell did you eat?" he said humorously, "crayons?"

Bella groaned, hunched over the sink and whined as the little chuckle he won made her belly ache even more, "please don't make me laugh, Luke."

"Sorry, sorry," he caught her eyes in the vanity mirror, smiling at her, "are you done?"

"For now," Bella nodded, turning on the water to wash the sink and her mouth, washing her mouth too. She walked back to the bedroom, while Lucas filled up a glass of water for her. The sticky sweaty sensation was the worse, so Bella quickly kicked out her shoes and unbuttoned her work polo, removing it.

"Bells?" Lucas stopped in the doorway of her bathroom, holding the glass, "uh- Do I have to turn around...?"

She was too tired to pretend to be bashful, when Lucas knew every inch of her body, "no. Get me my pjs, please?"

"Okay," he handed her the glass, "try to keep just a little down, Bell... Dots or stripes?"

"Anything," she rolled her eyes as he went through her mess of a first drawer, that housed all of the small stuff, pajamas, socks, lingerie, scrunchies, scarfs...

She kicked off her social pants, bunching it up and throwing them on the ground. Her stomach gurgled in relief as the waistband no longer squeezed it and she muffled a burp on her fist. There was a dent in her belly from where the pants had been squeezing her.

"Ugh, gross..."

"You're not gross," Lucas rolled his eyes, kneeling before her and patting her right leg, "up."

He helped her in the shorts and tank top, then grabbed the pants she had previously ditched, folding them dutifully. Bella tried not to think of how much she missed the many many fights they had had over her being messy.

She undid her bra from under the top and threw it at his head, but even distracted Lucas caught it mid air, throwing her a smug smile.

"As if you could outrun me."

"Don't, fucking, quote twilight to me," Bella kicked his thigh and he grinned back.

"What? Your favorite movie of ALL TIII-BELLA-" He giggled as she kicked his leg with even more force, before groaning as it promptly caused her stomach to slosh and jump.

"Ugh, bad idea..."

Luke frowned, putting the clothes away on top of her dresser and then stood next to her bed, "do you want me to get you the bin...?"

"Please," she nodded, even if she didn't feel like she was going to puke right at the moment, Bella knew it was going to come back sooner rather than later.

Lucas moved around and she closed her eyes, sinking in her mattress and trying to ignore the icky feeling of all the bubbles in her belly, rolling around.

"Here," he whispered, planting the basket right next to her bed, "I... Are you going to be alright?"

She nodded, opening her eyes in time to see the kicked puppy look he had on. Bella was not that strong, she thought, moving on the bed and grabbing his wrist.

"Could you... Could you stay? Just until my roommate gets here...?"

This was a bad idea, a horrible one, Bella thought as Lucas nodded eagerly, removing his shoes and then crawling into the bed with her. Horrible, terrible idea, she rolled onto her side and pressed her back to his chest, pulling his arm to wrap around her waist.

"Get some rest," Lucas whispered, planting a kiss on her naked shoulder, his hand sneaking right under her tank top to rest over her upset stomach.

A really bad idea.