#i'm probably guilty of this sometimes but i try hard to avoid it

[lani-heart]

|| series masterlist || next // previously

parings -> ( eventually ) enhypen x reader genre -> soulmate au, fantasy au, angst warnings -> angst word count -> 2.6k

abstract -> sometimes you need to be selfish to feel satisfied...

y/n's perspective

I feel guilty… Heeseung approached me saying Jay planned on rejecting me but didn't want me to get hurt. It was strange to know that he was there on Jay's behalf to reject him.

I knew he was telling the truth but I swear there was more to what he was saying. 

He wasn’t telling me a few things and I knew he was withdrawing details I should’ve known. He’s done it before…

“Stop thinking too much” I heard Sunghoon whine. I smiled as I simply muttered ‘I can’t’ he nodded understanding but grinned.

“Then think of how handsome I am!” he said, making me laugh but we heard a scoff coming from Sunoo. “Hey! I’m older than you, show me respect” Sunoo only shrugged.

“How delusional are you to feed our soulmate lies?” he taunted and the two started bickering. It was funny to see but also nice that they were still friends…

“y/n!” I heard as I saw Taki. “EJ and K need to look over some documents with you about homecoming!” he said and I nodded as I packed up my stuff to start going.

“Ah, you’re leaving us already!” Jungwon complained. “Well if you didn’t quit stuco I would still be working with you,” I said and groaned. 

“I barely see you anyway” Sunghoon added and I sighed.

“Well, a lot of work has been coming on. You guys also need to start practicing again for the next match” I said and they scoffed… except Sunghoon.

“Try to get along… before me, you guys were actually friends”

jay's perspective

Practices weren’t like they were. It's now awkward and uncomfortable. I wouldn’t be surprised if they quit our football team too. 

I was pulled from my thoughts when I was knocked down by Niki. “Come on Jay! Before Niki never could’ve knocked you down!” Sunghoon said and he was right. 

“It’s probably the rejection,” Sunoo said and I sighed. It felt horrible, my body was constantly drained. “Sooha!” Jake yelled and she grinned as she came over to us. 

Was he still blind?

“It's been a while since I’ve been at your practice!” she said. “It's been a while since I’ve seen you three!” Sooha said to Jungwon, Sunoo, and Niki. 

“They’ve been busy with the little witch–” Jake got cut off by Jungwon throwing the football at his head. “She has a name!” Sunoo said and Jake didn’t say anything for once.

“She’s been avoiding me,” she confessed. I noticed Heeseung looked at her with a sad expression. I wonder why he was so eager to hurt himself… torturing himself when he could just have y/n.

She talks to him… works with him… listens to him and yet he rejects her? I don’t understand how that could make sense.

“Is she doing well?” she asked Sunghoon and he nodded. “She’s doing well. I’m just worried about how much she’s working” he confessed. 

“She’s been working too much… I'm worried she’ll get sick” Niki said while Jungwon and Sunoo stayed quiet. 

“Well is she eating well?” Sooha asked and he sighed. “She’s been skipping lunch often because of homecoming,” Sunghoon said and I felt guilty. 

Was she skipping meals?

'She rejected you, she’s not your responsibility'

Heeseung… sometimes you should just shut up.

We were still practicing when we saw EJ and y/n.

“Looks like you guys are training hard~” EJ taunted and she smiled at her accepted soulmates. She ignored me, Heeseung, and Jake. Heeseung looked at her for a second before snapping out of it and going towards Sooha… was she a distraction for him?

He then glared at me and I looked away… I then looked at Jake, who looked sad? 

“Are you okay?” I asked and he nodded. “I don’t like that she sees me like a monster… or that Heeseung thinks it's deserved, '' he said and I nodded. “But you did hurt her,” I said and he nodded.

“I can clearly see the turtle neck she’s wearing. So shut up about it, okay?” he said as he left. I needed a break.

“EJ! I need–""Sorry Sooha, but I need to go,” he said as EJ just left… even y/n looked shocked. I guess all of Riverfield was ignoring her.

“y/n… please talk–” “Sooha it isn’t any of her business,” Sunoo said as he hugged her from behind. It almost seemed like a challenge for Sooha. “ It is tough! K rejected me for her… I just wanted a chance. y/n you have to understand” she begged and the witch sighed. 

“I’ll talk to him about it but Sooha give him some time. He can change his mind you know” she said and I wondered if she’d change her mind about– “What the fuck!” I yelled as I got hit by the football.

Of course, it was Heeseung… “Are you okay, Jay?” Sooha said running towards me. I looked at y/n though who also looked worried… did she still care– “Maybe we should finish practice here” Heeseung said and I scoffed. 

“What is your problem?” I asked and he scoffed. “Don’t fight please” Sooha said and I looked at Heeseung who stared at me, almost challenging me…  

“Immature the both of you” I heard Jungwon say. 

“Just stay out of it” Sunghoon advised 

“Let’s get dinner!” Niki said as he pulled y/n away from Sunoo and left… “What the hell, dude?!” I said and he scoffed. “Get over it already!” Heeseung yelled at me. “Heeseung don’t–” “Sooha this doesn’t involve you” he cut her off as he walked away. 

The more he was rejecting his feelings the more resentful he was. 

y/n perspective

“Has Heeseung been more… snappy recently?” I asked Sunghoon and he nodded. “Jay thinks it’s because of you…” he confessed and I thought that too. 

“He thinks he likes you but is ignoring his feelings,” he said. That couldn’t be true though… he was the first to reject me. 

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. You’re stressed enough” he said and I nodded, but It was difficult not to worry  

“Jungwon, I think you need to go back to the council” I suggested and he groaned. “I know but… we're so divided it doesn’t even feel like we’re friends anymore,” he confessed and I sighed. “Don’t let me be the reason you guys aren’t friends. You guys have been by each other's side for such a long time” I said and they sighed. 

“Besides… I don’t think Heeseung can handle being president any longer” I said… I was worried even though I shouldn't be. Even when me and Jay only chatted… he confessed how much Heeseung was drowning himself in work. 

He hasn’t made any move to replace them… in fact, they were still in council but just refused to go back. 

“I think we all need a conversation with each other”

jungwon’s perspective

We walked into the student council room. 

“Yah! Quit acting like you control me!” Jay yelled at Heesueung who only stared blankly at Jay. Jake was also clearly annoyed. “And stop trying to make me feel worse about myself!” he said in retaliation, making the oldest hyung almost laugh mockingly. 

“What do you want?” he said, looking at us now. 

“Did your little love send you here?” he said, clearly trying to annoy me by using my nickname for her. “Yah… get to work will you. You’re behind on paperwork for y/n and she’ll be on me if you don’t finish it.” I ordered him and it must've thrown him off for a minute. 

“You’re not president any–” “Yes I am. You didn’t find a replacement, you never even told the principal of the change so I am. Honestly, are you all trying to ruin my reputation?” I wanted to get them to start doing work. How far has our group fallen?

“The room is a mess!!” Sunoo screeched in horror.  Papers were all out of order… in organizing files too… it's only Riverfield stuff that's been kept up to date and ordered correctly. 

“Heeseung,” I said and he only looked at me… was it jealousy? 

“I’m president, so listen to what I have to say. You’re my vice president unless you need to be replaced” 

Everyone worked quietly. 

Jay, Jake, and Heeseung were too quiet… but they didn’t protest

I was able to look over a bunch of the files that Heeseung was doing and fixed them only having to send them to y/n who would turn them in. 

I was the only one doing the final touches while they organized and cleaned. 

“I think we’re finished for once?” Jake said to Jay who nodded. They both looked relieved. 

Heeseung however could only stare at the desk he sat by blankly…

“Is this a one-time thing?” Jay asked, almost worried that we’d answer. 

“No… teachers have been angry at me for not doing my work. I have no other choice do I?” I asked and they nodded. They still had a wry smile though… I kind of missed it.

Did I miss them? 

“I’m sorry” I heard as I saw Jake bow… “I lost control but I didn’t mean to hurt her,” he said, apologizing for burning her. “You should be telling her that,” Niki said and Sunoo rolled his eyes. 

“She’s still scared of him,” he said and I nodded. 

“Give her time…” I muttered and he nodded. He was sorry… I could see it in his eyes but I didn’t miss Heeseung scoffing. 

He was almost annoyed… 

“I’m not annoyed,” he said and I scoffed. 

“Whatever, make sure to finish the assignment–” I was cut off by the door opening… “Oh… all of you in one room!!” Sooha said with a big grin on her face. 

I kinda missed her– “What the heck, Heeseung?!” I yelled as I felt him smack my head. “You have your soulmate, she should be enough,” he said and I was confused.

“What are you implying ?” I was a bit irritated at what he said.

“No more fighting, you guys are finally getting along again!” she said and I don’t think that's what I would call it. 

“How are you doing?” She asked Jay who looked at her with a fake smile. “Better” he lied.

“She’ll come around just like with Sunghoon and Jake can too—“ “No way is he allowed near her” I cut her off and they all looked at me.

“I didn’t mean—“ “You didn’t feel an ounce of guilt… you didn’t care as long as you had Sooha’s attention,” Heeseung said, shocking everyone.

“That’s not true! I do—“ “The day you burned her. You didn’t care… now that she treats you like the monster you are is when you felt guilt,” he said and I could see the pain flash in his eyes.

He hated being called a monster… he left the room and I could tell he was hurt.

“Heeseung! Why would you do that to him?! He deserved a second—“ “Sooha does he? If K burned your neck raw rejecting you?! Leaving you in fear of every vampire around you while barely even leaving your, studying, or even eating?! None of you saw how she was when it happened… it’s stupid is everyone losing their mind?!” he yelled.

“I think you’re the one losing your mind,” I said and he scoffed “You shouldn’t be thinking things like—“ “Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t like Sooha romantically. I never did… I love y/n and you’re just projecting to everyone” I said and he scoffed.

“Get a grip Heeseung” 

y/n’s perspective

Jungwon came to me with filled-out reports. For once since the beginning of the semester, Declis Academy Council was finished with the reports for the rest of the week. 

“How’d it go?” I asked and he sighed frustrated. “They're all at odds and Heeseung is acting crazy…” he muttered as he buried himself into the crook of my neck. He wrapped himself around me… vampires weren't warm, they were cold so it was nice on days that were a little warmer. 

I heard a knock on the door pulling me away from my thoughts and Jungwon stood up straight. “Jay?” he said as I saw him with… a lunch bag.

“Can we talk?” he asked and I looked at Jungwon who only stared indifferently at him. “You can stay if you want Jungwon, but I'm not gonna hurt her,” he said and the boy sighed. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me. 

“I’ll be around. If you need me, text me okay?” he said and I nodded as he left me alone with Jay. I wasn’t scared of him… just weary around vampires ever since Jake. “I brought you food. The boys said how you haven't been eating because of how busy you were… so I assumed you haven't had dinner yet?” he asked and I smiled softly. “Thank you… I actually had to skip lunch today so I'm really hungry” I confessed. 

“You shouldn’t be skipping meals” he scolded and I chuckled. “I know… but I have a lot of people relying on me, '' I said and he nodded. “Which means you can’t jeopardize your health that way” he scolded and I sighed. 

“Why do you care? Heeseung told me about you rejecting–" "He wasn’t supposed to get involved…” he cut me off looking confused. “Heeseung… he pulled me aside saying you wanted to reject me and that you wanted me to do it. Was that not what you wanted? You like Sooha don’t you?” I asked, confused, about what he wanted. 

“I was thinking about what I would do… since Jungwon found out you're our soulmate I contemplated. I wanted to be friends… to get close and I don't know okay? I just knew I had to be involved with you... I didn't want you to shut me out. But Heeseung got involved when it didn't involve him, '' he explained. 

“The thing is Jay… I can’t be your second option–” “I know… which is why none of this is fair to you. I clearly have feelings for Sooha… but I can’t help but worry about you even before the bond formed” he confessed and I nod.

“So what now?” I asked and he sighed. “I can never be with Sooha. She’s not mine… and I messed up horribly with you. I’m not asking for forgiveness or to be your lover. I just… want you to be happy” he said and tried walking away. I didn’t know what came over me but I grabbed his wrist. 

“Jay… tell me what you want” I demanded and he smiled a soft sad smile. “Nothing–” I don’t normally use magic… and I was sorry for using it on a soulmate but I needed to know. 

“I want to be one of the people by your side,” he said and he looked at me confused. “What just happened?” he asked as I let go of his wrist which he took the opportunity to suspect. 

“You’re overthinking things… but your inner desires sometimes are buried so deep you don’t know what you want” I explained and he nodded. “So I'm sorry… I used magic on you” I said and he shook his head. “It didn’t hurt me… Jake didn’t do as much for you in that department” he said and I sighed. 

“I do want to be by your side… I don’t know if I want to be a lover, a friend. Anything, maybe?” he said and I chuckled. 

“Then be selfish” I said and he laughed. 

“Can I be by your side?”

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[active-mind-15]

Let's talk about Murasakibara as the youngest sibling

As we all know, Murasakibara canonically has four older siblings in the series, making him the fifth and youngest child in his family. So, as a fellow youngest child of my own family, I wanted to explore some headcanons/general observations I have in the context of him being the youngest child. I'll try not to project too hard but I make no promises. 🫶🏿

He is HEAVILY doted on. I think we can all agree on this because it's pretty obvious in the series that he is spoiled (I mean this both endearingly and derogatorily). That mindset probably came from all of his siblings taking care of things for him. But the downside to too much doting is that, outside of basketball, Murasakibara is not intrinsically motivated to do anything unless he gets a reward for it such as pocket money or sweets. I'm guessing the reason why he has such a sweet tooth in the first place is because his siblings would constantly bribe him with sweets to get him to do something. Fast-forward to Teiko, and he became a person who essentially wouldn't do anything they're asked unless they had sweets for him. Akashi is kinda guilty of fueling Murasakibara's sweet tooth with how often he shares sweets and snacks with him, but that was also their way of bonding. Himuro is worse, though. He will just straight-up be like "Atsushi, if you do this thing for me I will give you sweets." He's not even remotely ashamed about it.

He has a very set-in-stone hierarchy in his house. This would explain why he's so used to falling in line within the context of the basketball club. As the youngest, he has to obey his siblings and parents. This is why when he believes someone has authority over him, he follows them without question. But I'm sure that made him build up resentment, especially as a teenager. As a former teen myself, I hated being told what to do. So I'm sure Murasakibara lashing out at Akashi in 3rd year could be a result of pent-up frustration. When his skills drastically blossomed and he saw the power he held over Akashi in that regard, he decided to use it as a gambling chip to win his independence from the team, but it backfired.

He is not used to taking accountability because he has never been expected to be the "mature" one in his house. This frequently comes with the territory of being the youngest child. If you act out, it's often your older siblings that take the heat for your behavior because the older children are supposed to "know better". If two children are playing rough inside the house and break something, the older child is punished more because they were supposed to be the one to tell the younger child that playing rough inside wasn't a good idea. (It's a fucked up way of thinking but I've seen parents use this excuse to avoid holding themselves responsible for not raising their children correctly.) That being said, with four older siblings, I would expect that whatever trouble Murasakibara would get in would be pretty minimized in comparison to his siblings. Their parents would probably be so busy interrogating Murasakibara's siblings about why they weren't watching him or why nobody told Murasakibara not to do XYZ that by the time the attention trickles down to Murasakibara, his siblings have already gotten most of the flack for shit they didn't even do. Judging from the Replace Plus chapters, it seems like to make up for that, his siblings have taken up parental roles of their own to ensure that Murasakibara gets disciplined. In one of the chapters, Murasakibara mentioned that he had a fight with one of his older brothers. So, as punishment, his older sister took away his allowance. Clearly, his siblings do hold enough authority to make decisions like that regarding punishments. But I'm sure Murasakibara would then turn around and try to get his parents to overturn it (and maybe it works sometimes). This is why even after having that fallout with Akashi, they go back to their normal dynamic, but Murasakibara never truly apologized. Not as far as the viewers/readers are aware. So there always was that unsettling air hanging around the two of them even in high school. Things were never properly resolved for them. Not until much later.

I feel like he's a total snitch in his house. Younger siblings tend to be. Either to relish in their older siblings getting in trouble with their parents or because they have it so ingrained into them to be truthful that they just naturally don't lie. I remember in the OVA 41.5, Murasakibara instantly tattled on Aomine and Haizaki to Midorima when they were stuffing their dirty t-shirts into a locker and Midorima was wondering why the locker room smelled terrible. It didn't even seem malicious, Murasakibara was just objectively giving Midorima the answer he wanted. So I'm sure there have been times when Murasakibara has snitched on his older siblings when his parents interrogated him.

I feel like him being the youngest also plays into Murasakibara's fashion sense and how it's more 'juvenile' compared to the rest of the Teiko gang (I know Kise is also the youngest in his family but he's a model so his fashion sense is a direct result of being in that line of work). If you've ever seen official art of Murasakibara, a lot of his outfits are very cutesy. Overalls, baggy hoodies with cute characters on them, fuzzy boots, hats, and sweaters...he clearly embodies the lifestyle of the youngest child. He prioritizes comfort over everything, and it shows in what he wears.

Even the nicknames he gives to others and his way of speaking are very reflective of the youngest child. Shortening everyone's names and adding -chin to the end of it is probably something he does with his siblings at home (and maybe vice versa). And his way of speaking is very languid and carefree. He tends to drawl out his words very slowly, like he's in no rush to finish his sentence. And people could probably use this as evidence that he may be dull intellect-wise, but he's actually pretty intelligent and has gotten good grades when he applies himself, emphasis on applies himself. The problem is that he just doesn't give a fuck, so he doesn't try as hard in a lot of things even though he has potential. Someone usually has to push him to try, which circles back to my first point about him practically having to be bribed to do anything that's not related to basketball.

Overall, I think most of the negative traits that Murasakibara has in regard to youngest child syndrome will be things he grows out of as he gets older. I don't think my youngest child syndrome was ever as severe as Murasakibara's but I do relate to being doted on, having people constantly looking out for me, and not being used to taking care of others. I could be stubborn in my own right sometimes, on occasion even rude where I shouldn't have been, and my teen years were pretty rocky all the way through as I was figuring myself out. It took a lot of self-reflection for me to see that I had to change and in my latter teen years, I actively worked on my personality and my behavior. I also learned how to be more considerate of others and to step into the role of taking care of my friends and other family members. I still enjoy the perks of being the youngest in my family such as never having to worry about bringing my wallet out if I'm with my older siblings, but I still did take the time to mature and become an adult I'd be proud of. Eventually, I believe Murasakibara will lay that groundwork himself and become much more mature as time goes on post-canon. He'll learn to become a better friend and a better person, and he'll learn how to put the utmost effort into his passions. But at the same time, I still think he'll be the adorable slow-acting giant we've all come to know and love.

Anyway, this was my take on Murasakibara as the youngest child. Hope you enjoyed it!

[obae-me]

Omg Hi!!! It has been so long since I have seen you on my dash! How are you doing love? I hope you are doing super well ^.^ I recently saw your Mc with trauma post. I loved it so much, and it has also given me a lot to mull over the past few days lol.

Honestly I love the idea of a traumatized Mc and the brothers feeling like absolute shit for the way they treated them in the beginning... but yk another part of me wonders when I imagine my own traumas in that scenario... that for people (the bros- literal demons) who have faced so many things and traumas in their own lives, whether my feelings or pain is even comparable to that. Ik you can't compare things like that and the brothers would probably even be mad if I think of my feelings this way since it's the "Ohhhh someone always has it worse. It's not even that bad so just suck it up" self-deprecating part of me. Despite knowing ALL THAT I can't help but think that I am not traumatized enough to deserve empathy lmao (I realize how stupid it sounds saying it out loud).

So that is what REALLY got me thinking. What about an Mc that is genuinely terrified of scrutiny, being a nuisance and just basically inconveniencing anyone for things that are just basic needs. Idk if I am explaining it well enough oof and a mc like that (like me lmao) certainly won't bode well with Lucifer. Atleast not in the beginning. I could hate him (I could never but if I did) but still be terrified of disappointing him. This is what I mean when I say I love him but he reminds me too much of my father habits wise 🤢.

I am thinking a Mc who is afraid of asking even their basic needs at the beginning once Lucifer mumbled about them being too much trouble. Mc who feels so extremely guilty when the brothers get anything for them, cuz they feel like they have to work for it or they don't deserve it. Mc whose blood freezes over when they break something and try to replace it as quick as possible so no one blames them. Mc who never expresses their concerns so as to not add to the brothers' already full plates or worry them. It hurts to bottle it all up but seeing the brothers' concerned faces with so much PITY is a thousand times worse. Mc who never complains and adjusts to even unfair situations so as to not be a bother. Mc who just takes, takes and takes everything bad and doesn't say a word cuz they feel like they deserve it. Mc who tells little white lies to hide their flaws and be the perfect exchange student and avoid scoldings and criticisms ; only to stew in shame, disgust, self-loathing when someone eventually catches up on one of the lies (the person probably didn't even make a big deal of it/ was only mildly disappointed but Mc feels their heart breaking in two as they think they have broken their trust forever and would never be trusted again)

Gosh this got way longer than I was expecting >.< and a lot of signs like these aren't really obvious until you are close to that person. I think so many of us are so hard and rutheless to ourselves when sometimes the thing we need the most is a little compassion and understanding ;-;

Hi! I love seeing you in my inbox and thank you! I've been in recovery mode for the last few months but am finally coming back out of that cave and working on my hobbies again (seriously going too long without writing almost feels like going without food for me)! I hope you've been doing well too!

And oof, yes, I understand what you're saying completely. I'm like that too in a lot of ways, keeping certain details or complaints to myself because "Oh surely what I've been to is really nothing". And sometimes I let something slip and people get very concerned. Which is validating in a way, not that I need to be validated for it, everyone goes through their own pain and awful things SUCK no matter to what extent it is and I've had to learn that through my life.

(Wow that MC really is just me, huh? Calling me out are you? /j)

Honestly this type of MC is just canon to me. (I mean, the more pithy responses the MC has in original OM might just be due to writing but to me it just seems like the calm and general response of someone throwing out NPC answers as a survival tactic.)

They suck things up and soak up everything that's been said to them and work hard to remain a normal functioning being.

And of course Lucifer is an interesting character to think about with this MC because on one hand the human could absolutely despise him for the way he treats them. Or on the other hand (if you're like me I guess, which I realize is hella unhealthy, oops) the MC could look up to him and work extra hard to try to gain his validation, because getting praise from someone like that means you must not be a failure, right?

And just...the dynamic of that is so appealing to me, because Lucifer loves when people work hard and do what they're told, but then if he finally comes to the realization that they're burning out and actually almost putting themselves in more danger and harm because of HIM? And at the end of the day he's doing more damage than any of his chaotic brothers? (I like to have him spiral and be humbled just a bit)

Just all of the brothers doing some deep introspection once they come to care for MC and needing to sit down and realize that probably made their human feel so much worse and then spending the rest of eternity trying to fix that. And then the "I can fix him" mentality from MC turns into the "I can fix them" from every other character. A special Uno Reverse, if you will.

Oops, this turned into a fairly long ramble of my own...

Thanks for popping into my inbox with your thoughts! Traumatized MC deserves some extreme love

[thisismypurrfectvictory]

I think about the consequences of the fake execution scene a little too much. I'm not sure if a blank that close could cause damage that isn't noticeable besides maybe hearing loss or tinnitus. And I'm sure if it was mild enough, Light would be too stubborn to tell anyone about it. The Task Force would probably assume he's in the clouds or ignoring them. I can't decide if L would catch on immediately to hearing loss or if it would take him a bit because he too is annoyed that Light isn't even arguing back half of the time.

But also the psychological trauma from it is something that would have been so interesting for O&O to dive into but ofc they didn't. It could manifest in many different ways too:

An NPA officer Light that can't even bring himself to unholster his firearm.

An NPA officer Light that struggles to make it through basic training.

The stress of Kira bringing back how he felt during the incident

Being so on edge around his father

Preferring public transport to cars and doing whatever he can to avoid cars

Hearing his father yelling/raising his voice at a fellow officer causing him to break down in the bathroom

Finding it hard to look his father in the eye

Avoiding riding in a car with Soichiro at all

And I wonder if Soichiro would notice Light struggling at all. Especially during Yotsuba because I imagine the first few months after would be the hardest:

Soichiro feeling too guilty or noticing his son acting distant so he backs off. But he doesn't know how to communicate how sorry he is so he says nothing

Maybe L doesn't really care at first when Light has nightmares or wakes up sobbing, but slowly realizes what this has done to someone he's starting to consider his friend. Maybe L pretends not to care so he doesn't feel the guilt that's welling inside him. He's not used to feeling guilt.

Light being jumpy and trying his best to not flinch when someone tries to get his attention

Just staring off into space or dissociating until someone asks if he's done on the spreadsheet yet

Trying to not let it show that he's freaking out in the ambulance on the way to Matsuda

L eventually trying to comfort Light after his nightmares but he's shit at it. But Light feels appreciative anyway

After L dies, Light doesn't have anyone to comfort him. He thinks sometimes, when he wakes up from a nightmare and turns to see Misa sleeping beside him, that she would understand because she went through the same thing, but he is too prideful and doesn't value her enough to wake her up or go to her.

Soichiro tries to not think about how Light doesn't want to be alone with him or ride in a car with him

I dunno, I just think it's something so interesting that isn't explored a lot.

[tsibeyantiger]

I had the inconvenience to read a post where it said that percabeth was a bad ship because they don't seem to LIKE each other and I'm like??????????? How can anybody not get THAT? Like seriously, think about it for just a minute.

Imagine you are Annabeth. Your family pretty much abandoned you. Your newfound sister died so you could make it out alive. When you were just seven years old. It is hard for you to trust anyone because you keep on losing who matters to you. And you know about the prophecy and that you won't leave camp until the kid from the prophecy shows up (if Chiron hasn't said that, I'm sure Annabeth was able to connect the dots). The kid who's gonna die when he turns 16 to save Olympus OR destroy it. So you're NOT supposed to like him, even though you know your pathes will cross. You expect him to be a son of Zeus, which would be fine. You can be his deputy in battle, just as your mom is Zeus', and when he dies, it's gonna be "Farewell, my lord, it was an honour to fight under your command". Not very delightful, but you are used to worse.

Then Percy shows up. And he is a son of POSEIDON. Not at all what you expected, yet it's your destiny to interact somehow with him. What if he turns out evil? What if you're the one who HELPS him destroy Olympus? Okay, no, no, no, stop. You are NOT SUPPOSED to like him AT ALL. But- he is kinda charming. Not the arrogant, wrath filled rowdy you'd expect. A troublemaker, yes, but he's trying to be nice to everyone, always roots for the underdogs, doesn't care about your parents' rivalry and is incredibly skilled yet totally unaware of it. You go on the quest. You safe the world. And you realise he is kind and brave and just and will never turn evil. This is the hero who will die while defending Olympus. And you're the fool who couldn't avoid falling in love with him.

Fast forward. Percy keeps on doing annoyingly cute and noble stuff you wish you never saw because it makes you like him even more. The photo. Tyson (you don't like him, but it IS wholesome that Percy chose to be his friend when no one else was). The moment he gave Clarisse the fleece. Then you get kidnapped and he travels across the whole country to save you, even lifts the sky for you. And then he says he chooses the prophecy and you give up all hope (you've spend hours and hours thinking whether you'd want Thalia to die or Percy, and you feel so guilty for it). He doesn't even know the full meaning, but you are just sure he'd make the same choice if he knew it means death, all to protect a little boy he hardly knows.

And you're like: Fuck this. Too late to run from your feelings. You're already in love. Your heart's gonna be broken anyways. So, you decide to try your luck. If you're gonna miss him for a lifetime, it shall be worth it. And THEN, suddenly, Rachel shows up. Like, this is no average teenage love triangle drama bullshit. OF COURSE, Annabeth explodes like a volcano. Any of us would.

Meanwhile, Percy doesn't know shit and is just hella confused. He doesn't know the content of the prophecy, doesn't know much about Greek mythology and whenever he does, he doesn't care. He just gets the impression that Annabeth hates him, yet somehow seeks his company. Percy has close to zero confidence, due to him also being often abandoned and ending up as a failure and an outsider, so it's probably the second part that's harder to understand, but he tries to make the best of it. He is kind and patient, offers Annabeth his friendship and ultimately, she accepts. Not for a second he'd imagine she might be in love with him, Because This Is Not How People Behave. From his perspective, Annabeth tends to act like a bitch out of nowhere, sometimes she pushes him away, sometimes she wants him to come closer. He accepts this somehow, but of course he gets frustrated sometimes. Who wouldn't?

But still he never even thinks about going low contact. He never questions their friendship, he always wants Annabeth as close as possible. And people say they don't LIKE each other? Please!

[linkspooky]

WIP WEDNESDAY

I wanted to try something new to interact with my followers more, so here's a big chunk of the next chapter of the Azulaang fic I'm working on.

Aang was suddenly forced to bear witness to a naked truth. Azula was a girl. A fleeting thought passed his mind, she was beautiful, and that was all it took there was no going back from that. Not only was she a girl, she was a beautiful girl. Until now, Azula was only an enemy soldier he gazed at across a battle field, hard and made of steel like a machine of war with a fire burning inside her. One small glance was all it took for him to notice she was flesh and bone. He should have realized it sooner, but he was stupid. 

More underneath the cut. Look forward to the finished chapter soon!

The full fic is located here, by the way. If you haven't read it you probably won't understand what's going on so go read it if you're curious.

Aang followed Li’s advice and went right to the Karazakov residence. Though he’d be lying if he said his rushed exit by jumping right out of the window was because he wanted to finish this avatar business as quickly as possible. No, he’d been unable to stand the tension in the room between Zuko, and Katara and Li. 

Aang knew the airbenders preached detachment, and he knew the avatar was supposed to remain neutral, but he sometimes hated those teachings. Then he felt guilty for disagreeing with the elders. The long dead elders of his long dead culture who’d done their best to raise him in the airbender ways. Then he felt more guilt because he was failing his duty as the avatar by wanting to pick sides. That he, a child not fit to be called the avatar, was letting his personal emotions get in the way. That he was being selfish and not thinking of everyone. Then, he hated himself for watching someone suffer and doing nothing about it. Why was he given all this power, if not to help? He didn’t want to deal with any of those feelings so he ran away. That’s what airbenders did, they ducked, they dodged, they avoided. He ran from place to place, and like Toph said he never stood his ground. 

(Aang’s friends were very smart, and Aang was quite dumb, which was why he trusted their judgement over his. He was nothing without them, he’d be just a boy floating in an iceberg). 

He ran all the way to the Karazakov manner, then tried to justify himself by saying his duty as the avatar came first. He was the only bridge between the world of spirits and humans. Of course, Aang didn’t believe the lies he was trying to tell himself at all. Whenever he made excuses like this, he didn’t feel any better, and he didn’t believe them, he just felt more ashamed of himself. Yet, when Aang arrived at the doorstep he smiled. There might be a storm brewing inside the airbender but he wasn’t going to let it show. The world’s problems were Aang’s problems, but his problems weren’t the world’s problems. 

He arrived at the mansion trying and failing to clear his head of doubts (they never went away, they never would no matter how many people he helped, no matter how powerful he became it wouldn’t be enough). Aang stopped looking within and looked right in front of him, seeing the main gate was shut tight. He knew Li’s family was nobility, but he was surprised to see just how massive this place was. The mansion sat on a high hill overlooking the city, giving the Karazakov a view of everything they controlled. The grounds alone rivaled the size of the Bei Fong estate. Including the forest behind it was nearly triple in size. Surrounding the perimeter was a wall of trees and a long fence preventing outsiders from peering inside.  

The entrance at the main gate was closed turning away those who would seek entry. So, Aang rode the wind and jumped right over it. Sometimes it was good to be an airbender. 

He made his way along a gently sloped path deeper into the grounds. The walkway was surrounded by tall trees. He recognized them, they were cherry peach blossom trees, but they were out of season. With winter fast approaching the trees were barren. He reached the Karazakov mansion, with great white walls standing at attention. They had rejected traditional fire nation architecture in favor of modernity. A sigh escaped his lips, a combination of wonder and resignation. In the end, it was just a big fancy house. As an airbender he found it hard to appreciate such an ostentatious display of wealth. He wondered briefly what it was like for Li and Lio growing up all alone in a house this big. Perhaps that was why their bond was so strong, they still clung to each other after years of separation. (He wished Azula and Zuko could get along like that. He wished they could both be happy, but in the end the love between siblings wasn’t something he could understand).

He knocked on the door. He was met with heavy silence for a few seconds, and then hurried footsteps from the other side of the doors. On the other side of the door was one of the strangest people Aang had ever seen. 

He had all white hair without a single strand of black. His skin was nearly colorless, but his eyes and clothing were pitch black, making his skin glow even more by contrast. That pale skin radiated an air of purity, but was stained in several places by burns. On his face. On his chest. On his upper arms. 

There was probably a story there, but Aang didn’t feel like he was allowed to ask. “Sorry,” the stranger spoke first, “My big sister said I’m not allowed to let anyone in. We’re hiding big brother Lio until big sister can convince Zuko to repeal his banishment.” 

“...Lio is here?” “Yes. Big sister said it would be fine. “Zuko’s just being stupid. I’m going to tell him how stupid he’s being. He’ll see that I’m right. Why do people think they can argue with me? I’m always right in the end’. That’s what she said.” 

That didn’t sound like the same girl who bowed her head in front of the man who broke her legs to beg for her brother’s forgiveness, but Aang guessed people were complex, and he was pretty stupid when it came to people. 

Aang explained that Li had sent him here to look at her family’s records of dealing with spirits in the past. The stumbling, fumbling boy in front of him suddenly gained a lot of self confidence. He explained that before his family could help Aang in dealing with spirits, he would need to purify himself at their hot springs. (This place was so massive it had a hot spring - ?)

Luckily as a monk, Aang was familiar with bathing to purify the body. The fact that the fire nation had a similar cultural idea of communal bathing, made him somewhat happy that their two cultures had something in common. The white haired boy pointed him in the direction of the hot springs, and then mumbled a few more things that Aang didn’t quite catch. (Brother…Lio… girl…) Lio was bathing right now, well communal bathing was fine, and Aang wanted to apologize to Lio if he had the chance. At the time he didn’t try to understand Lio’s perspective and he regretted that. Aang followed the little footpath of smooth, colorful pebbles under the luxuriant canopy of flowering wisteria blossoms until he found the entrance to the bath. A low shelf carved from the bluestone had been placed to hold the bather’s clothes. Aang took off his clothing, glad that monks chose to dress simply. He left his clothes in a wooden washtumb, and after lifting the thin hemp curtain with one hand strode inside. 

Stream drifted through the air, it gently unfurled out from the pool, drifting slowly, filling every corner and crevice  blurring her vision. With that and the dim moonlight a person needed to get very close to one another to see their face. Flowers bloomed along the borders of the pool, flower petals floated on the surface, and there was a small waterfall at the end of the pond for rinsing. 

It was pleasantly warm. Aang ouldn’t help the soft sigh of content that escaped him. Heloose for a moment), extending his slender limbs and swimming all the way to the waterfall with a splash. 

He had only just risen from the water and wiped his face, when she suddenly noticed someone very close to her, showering in the surging waterfall with their back turned.

Lio seemed to be speaking, but the waterfall was so loud it drowned out the noise. Aang knew he should announce his presence, but something had arrested his gaze and he could not look away. 

They stopped to watch Lio’s back as if possessed by some kind of spell. Their back was held tall and straight, the contours sharp and defined. But, under the illumination of the stars, Aang saw their back was covered in whip marks, scars, and patches of discolored burns, it was almost impossible to find a piece of untouched flesh. There was no need to mention how much those wounds should hurt. 

The water cascaded over their body, rivulets gathering into the stream down the wide expansive of their powerful muscular back. Some of the spring water splashed off, but more seemed infatuated with their body, clinging to them in a light stream loathe to part. 

Lio turned halfway, their eyes meeting Aang’s. Aang’s face had turned red, but he’d like to think it was from the rising steam, not from seeing another man/woman naked. His culture taught him that nudity wasn’t inherently sexual after all. “Hey, Aangie, have you come to do some naked male bonding?” 

Lio greeted Aang like they were old friends. The smoothness of their voice was unbelievable. They didn’t seem to notice the tension in the atmosphere. Why would they notice the tension, communal bathing was completely normal in the fire nation. 

“Your back…” 

“Ah, it’s nice and shapely isn’t it? I think my back and my buttocks are tied with my breasts for my most handsome feature. My body’s pretty good, as long as you don’t look at my face.” 

Lio was avoiding talking about the scars. To think, they’d always been this scarred, but they didn’t complain about the pain. They were broken almost as badly as Li. 

“I mean yes, you are very traditionally attractive. I am looking at you respectfully though, because I don’t want to make this weird. Communal bathing is normal in your culture, and I respect other people’s cultures, and I respect you so I’m definitely not ogling you like a sex object.” Aang noticed he was rambling, “But uh… what happened toy our back?” 

“Oh, I was naughty boy, so I was whipped as soon as I came home.” “What?” “Why are you so worried? It’s not like we’re friends. Oh, let me guess you saw my naked body and fell in love with me at first sight.” Lio smiled, but their smile didn’t reach their eyes. Their eyes told a different story, those black eyes were like a pair of open wounds on their face, from which darkness was seeping out. “It’s nothing… compared to the pain Li and my family went through it’s absolutely nothing.” 

“Your pain isn’t nothing.” “Haha, what pretty words. Did the airbenders teach you to talk that way, or are you just that cheesy naturally?” 

Aang was taken aback, Lio was like Katara in a way, soft and soothing in one moment, and in the next they surged like a river. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m a bad, rude man, I just don’t like the way you’re looking at me like some poor ugly pathetic thing.” Lio’ s shoulder’s rose and fell, as they heaved a sigh. Aang suddenly found that he couldn’t breathe. He could see the perfect curve of Lio’s shoulders, the lean strength in those lines, of a bow pulled taut, tension ready to be unleashed. He could see Lio’s shoulder blades, strong and massive, moving beneath the scarred skin. “I might be ugly on the inside, but I’d like to think my good looks make up for my bad personality.” They didn’t have a bad personality at all, Aang thought. He didn’t like how easily Lio insulted themselves, but if he said anything, Lio would suffer pity from him like acid flung on his skin. 

Lio suddenly stumbled and nearly lost their balance. Did they slip on the smooth stones underneath their feet. “I’m sorry, Aangie can we continue this conversation later? I thought we could bond in our nakedness but human relationships are really complicated and…” 

The entire time Lio had been standing with their back turned to Aang both hands pressed against the wall. At first Aang thought they were too shy to talk face to face, but nothing about Lio was shy. Now that he thought about it, Lio was unnaturally tall, over six shuka despite only being younger than Zuko, and with a broad back. It would be easy to hide someone behind that shapely back - Lio was suddenly pushed back into the water. Aang caught sight of a feminine figure through the steam, who hastily turned to leave. OH.

Li mentioned that Lio wanted to return home and introduce their new bride to their family. Had Aang walked in on Lio bathing together with his betrothed? 

Aang considered just sticking his head underneath the water and drowning himself, because he’d never recover from his embarrassment. 

That feminine figure only made it a few steps though. Because under normal circumstances, that girl would never do something as ungraceful as stumbling and falling face first into the pool, sending a spray of water into the air. 

When she didn’t surface right away Aang became worried she was actually going to drown. However, Lio moved faster than Aang as usual. That person never hesitated to help, and they weren’t even the avatar. They weren’t cosmically chosen to help save the world. 

“Cough, cough.” Azula inadvertently swallowed a mouthful of water in her panic. When she remembered that it was technically bathwater, she became so indignant and disgusted that she discarded all appearance of calm composure, scrambling and flailing as she tried to find her footing. 

Caught in her panic, and with no dignity left to speak of, suddenly a strong, shapely hand pulled her from the streaming water.  WAIT A SECOND.

Aang had recognized her right away, but his brain refused to process the image until he was exposed to a full frontal view of her, coughing and leaning against Lio for support. 

Aang was suddenly forced to bear witness to a naked truth. Azula was a girl.

A fleeting thought passed his mind, she was beautiful, and that was all it took there was no going back from that.

Not only was she a girl, she was a beautiful girl.

Until now, Azula was only an enemy soldier he gazed at across a battle field, hard and made of steel like a machine of war with a fire burning inside her. One small glance was all it took for him to notice she was flesh and bone. He should have realized it sooner, but he was stupid.  She wasn’t physically attractive like Lio. In fact, if he wasn’t so caught off guard by the realization of her beauty he would be concerned. Her skin was discolored and bruised in several places (training scars), where it wasn’t bruised it was pale. There was almost no fat on her body, the princess looked like a pauper begging for food in the streets. That all combined to make her look easily breakable, the same girl who had once terrified him more than her father. People used ‘beautiful’ to describe so many things it was practically meaningless, which was why Aang used it sparingly. The monks had taught him the impernanece of life when he was young. When he was a little older, he saw the rotted corpses the fire nation had left behind. After that, it was hard to easily call things beautiful, when he saw how easily beauty faded. In fact he hadn’t even meant to say it, it just slipped out of his mouth, “You’re beautiful.”  It was an incredibly stupid thing to say.  He should not have said it. He should not have acknowledged that feeling. A simple skipped heartbeat, and now there were feelings he couldn’t take back. Feelings he shouldn’t feel, because Azula was… well, Azula. 

He expected to hear her laugh, to be embarrassed, to call him out for not averting her eyes and giving her the dignity she was owed, as a woman, as a princess, for ogling her like an object, but Azula just crossed her arms in front of her chest. 

“What is it…? Speak clearly, don’t mumble, and look into the eyes of the person you’re talking to.” “You… you… beautiful…” “Is your mouth broken? Oh no, I believe I broke the avatar. Again.” He confessed again. To his clumsy confession, You’re beautiful she responded. “You’re right, I am beautiful. I guess your eyes aren’t broken.” She was… She was definitely still Azula. Whatever had happened in the three months since he last saw her hadn’t changed her fundamental “Azula-Ness.” “Lazuli, watch your step.” One hand around Azula’s arm, Lio supported her from behind. The difference in their heights was such that their breath puffed against Azula’s ear as they lowered their head to speak, “If you’re not careful you might just fall for me.” They smoothly positioned themselves once again so their back was obstructing most of Aang’s view of Azula. Unlike Aang, they didn’t seem to notice or even be bothered by the closeness of their bodies. The easy intimacy both of them shared bothered him for some reason. 

Aang had been completely caught off guard of the sight of Azula, it didn’t click until just now that Azula shouldn’t be here. Yes, Azula and Lio had disappeared together that day in the forest, but she was supposed to be lost and all alone somewhere cold and dark and lonely not bathing in a hot spring in the middle of the fire nation. Of course, it was Azula, so if she wanted to return home she’d think of some way. 

“Why are you here with Lio? Not that it’s any of my business. I’m definitely not having dirty thoughts right now. My heart is pure, I promise, I was just curious really…” “It’s fine. Mixed bathing is normal in our culture, and besides I’m also a woman so Lazuli is totally safe bathing with me.” 

That’s right, mixed bathing was normal in fire nation culture Aang reminded himself for the thousandth time. 

Bathing under the stars. Girls and boys together. No tension there whatsoever. Nope, not at all. 

“Stop staring, Avatar. I’m flattered, really, but it just wouldn’t work between us.” Aang really hoped she was joking, because she was entering dangerous territory. “Really, there’s nothing untoward about bathing with my betrothed.” “...Your betrothed.” “Yes.” “You’re getting married?” “Yes.” “To who?” “To Lio.” “You’re getting married to Lio.” “You don’t seem to be hearing me right, is there something wrong with those big ears of yours?”

“Are my ears too big? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Were they just trying to be nice?” He was suddenly, very self conscious about the size of his ears but that was besides the point. “Why are you getting married to Lio?” “I fail to see how it’s any business of yours.” That’s right it wasn’t any business of his. 

So, why did he care? 

[yaksha-lover]

OH MY GOD I FINALLY FLIND YOU AGAIN! I remember finding your blog a long time ago when it was new I believe and sent a request later on

https://www.tumblr.com/yaksha-lover/691627436629213184/hi-idk-if-your-writing-rn-but-if-you-are-how-about?source=share

(this one)

I remember reading this response and was so excited and happy! I I just want to say thank you again for it ☺️🙏 (if I didn't say thank you then I'm sorry I was really nervous to send asks back then)

Request part! Can you make it the same as my last ask, but instead of the first years it being Lillia and anyone else you think will fit!

I think it'll hit harder with him since he's the one in actual power to let us go 🌝

Have a lovely day!! Make sure to drink water 💓

Haha happy you found me again! Thanks for the request, I hope you like it! Part 1

MC who believes they’re going back home (Vampire AU) - Lilia, Idia, Leona, Vil

Lilia:

You would probably try your best to avoid saying things like this around Lilia because of both the awkwardness and the fear that he’ll misinterpret things.

He’d end up overhearing you say this to others sometime and his reaction is definitely ambivalence. While Lilia does feel guilty for keeping you at the mansion, he knows the guilt is worth protecting everyone.

He wouldn’t be angry or anything at your words, he understands your reaction is completely natural. If this is at a point where the two of you have gotten closer, he may feel a bit upset that you’re so desperate to leave everyone behind, but he’s aware enough to realize it’s pretty much his fault.

Lilia would approach you to talk and explain that, while he doesn’t feel comfortable just letting you go right now, he’s willing to compromise and give you some more freedom than before, like chaperoned trips.

He’d ask what else he could do to make your life comfortable and make you happy, other than letting you go. Lilia would do anything in his power, spoiling you with gifts and luxuries. He would also try and send Silver to comfort you, because he knows you would rather be around his son than him.

He’d also be willing to promise you that one day you would be allowed to leave, even if it isn’t soon, but he hopes that you will at least come back and visit them occasionally, even though he knows you rightfully resent him.

Idia:

Idia would be pretty down whenever you bring it up, going from being normal around you (since he’s gotten used to you) to suddenly closing up sullenly when you start talking about going home.

Not many of the residents can tolerate him for too long, so he pretty much relies on you and Ortho to keep him company and not become a complete recluse.

Idia is far from delusional and, given his own experiences of feeling trapped, understands your desire to leave and live a normal life again where you have freedom.

That said, it’s hard when one of the only people who actually likes him and who he doesn’t get anxiety hanging around wants to leave.

This kind of talk, while rationally he knows has nothing to do with him, is pretty upsetting for him to hear because he feels like he’s not enough for you to stick around.

He can also be pretty blunt about it, telling you to be realistic and that it’ll be a long time (if ever) before you leave. Also isn’t afraid of weaponizing his little brother against you by telling Ortho to ask if you’ll keep playing games with them forever to guilt you.

It’ll probably be a big source of conflict between you, until you’re able to actually sit down and have a conversation about why he’s saying these things and why he feels this way.

Leona:

Leona is similar to Idia in that, while he’s smart enough to understand that your feelings are valid, he also can’t help but feel annoyed at your desperation to leave.

He thought the two of you had gotten pretty close and it feels like a bit of a slap in the face when you’re willing to talk about how happy you’d be to leave while simultaneously cuddling beside him.

When Leona is feeling rejected or hurt by your words, he’s quick to become more cold and dismissive, pushing you away when you try and touch him affectionately.

You don’t seem like you’ll miss him when you leave, so why should he allow you to touch him now?

If you keep pushing the issue, he’ll probably start mocking you, saying what a naive little herbivore you are for thinking you’ll ever escape. Unfortunately, Leona is hardly forward about his true feelings so you’ll pretty much have to be the bigger person here.

He’ll stay grumpy for a while unless you’re able to catch on to his feelings being hurt and properly comfort him by saying you’d want him to come with you or that you would be willing to stay with him.

Vil:

At this point, Vil is just getting to know you, so he doesn’t respond with the same vitriol as some of the other residents.

He’s pretty neutral about it, he understands your reasoning and thinks it’s understandable, although it does annoy him a little when you constantly bring it up, completely oblivious to the change in mood from your friends.

Vil sees how upset you make Epel when you talk about leaving, so he’s willing to have a private conversation with you about it later. He explains that while he understands, it would be nice for you to spare the feelings of others.

If you argue back, I think Vil would begin to point out that, while it definitively sucks that you can’t leave, other than that you have a good life. You don’t have to work, Lilia gets you everything you want, you get to spend endless time with people that care about you. That’s much more than other people can say.

He would just emphasize to you that while the situation isn’t ideal, all you can do is make the best of the situation and not spend all your time dwelling on leaving.

Although his words may seem harsh, they come from a place of maturity and care for both you and the others. Vil would offer to try and get you more freedom with Lilia, taking you to his filming sets when they’re nearby enough, bringing you back souvenirs, etc.

[drdemonprince]

autistic anon here again, thanks for fielding my question, you're a real one for not all toxic positivity on it. i guess i should've formulated things better, because i didn't mean to imply being completely wrapped up in decision paralysis to the point of doing nothing. that's a mental hurdle i've cleared a long time ago, so shit gets done. i have a few emails sitting in my inbox of fundraisers i helped with that closed out, and it;s making me emotional just thinking about it.

there's a weird disconnect between knowing that you're just one person (and that's something i actually like, i'm no-one special, that's a very freeing thought), and fully feeling it. because somewhere there's always a nagging worry i could do more. as true as it is, reminding yourself you're doing what you can feels like a convenient self-soothing lie when you're in the pit of a bad night. probably the calvinist whispering poisons in your ear. (being afraid of falling in the trap of slacktivism or just reposting everything as a signal boost and patting myself on the back for a job well done, amongst them. which is BS, but knowing isn't believing.)

i mentioned the autistic part for a reason, because community is something i've never quite experienced and only understand in the abstract. like those fundraisers i helped with many, many other people, that's a community effort and i'm proud i could contribute my little bit. translating that to in-person efforts has been a big ??? though. it's not very parseable or approachable to me.

i hadn't quite grokked this as all being part of shame, i have your book sitting here and have read it a while, probably should reread it.

Hey, thanks for writing back! I hear from people of all levels of engagement, from having never done anything to like dedicated black bloc hard core mother fuckers so it's hard to gauge from a single message what someone's particular situation is.

It sounds like you are already doing a ton, choosing actions to take, following through on them, reflecting on the impact of your tactics, and then regrouping to do more and to try things differently where you can. Yet you still feel like shit sometimes and as if you're not doing enough. What to do about those feelings?

Well. Consider those feelings aren't a problem you have to fix. They're just a thing that will happen. Because of cultural conditioning and endless exposure to alarming messages and imagery online they're just gonna come up. Those feelings can just exist while you keep doing the damn thing.

You've already got your behavior on lock. You're doing what you can and not succumbing to choice paralysis. You're hopefully not burning yourself out. It doesn't sound like anything needs to change, maybe other than you not consuming too much online bullshit that's making you feel even more guilty needlessly.

You say: "there's a weird disconnect between knowing that you're just one person (and that's something i actually like, i'm no-one special, that's a very freeing thought), and fully feeling it."

Yeah, you might not ever fully feel it. As long as you keep acting like it's true, you're good imo.

i feel like the most evil selfish unlovable human being alive most days. it doesn't really matter that i do. it sucks, but that's just a fact of how my life has been. i can keep picking myself up and doing what i have decided is right for me to do anyway. i do what i can to avoid triggers that make that feeling worse, so that it doesn't become a barrier to action, but otherwise i just... keep on living, with terrible emotions and terrible thoughts. and i focus on my actions.

As for the community piece, I hear you, it's really fucking hard. I think it's very humbling work that is so worth doing though. Often it involves showing up to the work that a group is doing and living with the fact that you won't know what the fuck is going on and looking inept for a while. it's a necessary distress tolerance building exercise, getting more comfortable with just being there and rearranging the chairs and setting up the food and feeling like a dumbass who has nothing to contribute.

being able to sit with those feelings and keep showing up and not having an ego about it is enough to earn a lot of trust and foster deeper connections, I find. so many people fail to be able to even do that in most organizing/activist/volunteering spaces. I understand it feels mortifying but it is another one of those situations of getting over oneself in a way that's ultimately so freeing and beautiful. when you can accept that people want you around even if you never have anything to say and do nothing but bring paper cups and take out the trash. it's a real object lesson in how not being all that important can be a wonderful thing and make it possible for us to find love and acceptance.

[canon-vi]

What if? What if Tasya was a character in Sora? Oh yeah, thanks to TikTok for inspiring songs

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Also blames Dream for her mother's death, but doesn't show it, and no matter how much she blames him, she still stays close to him and loves him

•

Reaches out to Pallete, feels a resemblance to herself in him and sincerely believes him

•

Doesn't believe Lux, pretends to believe, but does the opposite

•

Says everything straight to your face with a stupid look (she understands everything)

•

While the original Taisiya is "I see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil, guys", this Taisiya is "I saw everything, I heard everything and I will tell you all"

•

She calls Nightmare not her father, but her uncle

•

This Taisiya is happy to wear all sorts of witch outfits, she always dresses as a witch for all sorts of events that involve costumes

•

She is trying hard to become a witch, she reads every book where witches are mentioned by at least some third generation of the author's great-grandfather's grandmother

--------------------------💠----------------------------

Dream:

Yes, he is guilty, yes, he is bad both as a husband and as a father, but I will still love him, he... He is trying, okay? Enough, just enough of all this...

Nadezhda:

Hope... Uncle told me that Mom is in heaven and what he did for her to go there... I think Mom really deserves to rest up there, and those who think otherwise - let them burn in hell

Ink:

Brother Pallete and sister Drop's mom... Well.. I don't know what I can say about her... But I see how she tries, really, it's just... I like Miss Killer's company more...

Nightmare:

Uncle often scolds dad and just as often talks about mom, and only good things, after his story about what he did to send mom to heaven, I started thinking about who loves mom more, dad or uncle...

Alphonse:

Brother Callisto, Brother Pallete, Mr. Merciless, Sister Drop, Miss Artemis, Dad, Uncle, Miss Killer... agh... well, EVERYONE says he's bad, but for some reason he treats me well... I'd rather trust everyone and not go near him

Killer:

I really like listening to her, she's very beautiful and her voice is very pleasant!! Well, sometimes the stories that Miss Killer tells me I already know, but it doesn't matter! I will listen to her forever

Cross:

He gives me free treats and who am I not to take them? And Miss Killer speaks highly of him, so I think he's a good guy

Reaper:

What Uncle did was horrible, but I hope Mr. Death knows it was worth it...

Geno:

I probably won't be able to look her in the eye with a clear conscience, after all, because of me Uncle tortured her daughter...

Angst (Dead):

I heard from Uncle that he's very annoying and... Dead child...

Callisto:

Brother Callisto is the best older brother, and anyone who disagrees can go to hell, because you can't go against facts, and the fact that Callisto is the best older brother.

Crescent:

I... I really try to go to church, it's just... I can't help my sensitivity, the smell makes me sick there...

Merciless:

Sister Lux's fiancé... I don't know him that well, we avoid each other, I don't know what to say about him

Lux:

"Did you know that if you cut your hair, it will grow faster??" If it weren't for Brother Callisto, I would have cut her hair, but I don't want Callisto to scold me for it... so I just nod, agree and don't do it...

Pallete:

I try to support my brother as best I can, maybe I'm not doing it well, but at least I try, the company of him and little sister Drop is much better than the company of sister Lux and loneliness, I hope my imposition will not make our relationship worse...

Goth:

I feel awkward looking her in the eye just like I did in front of Miss Geno, but what can I do? Brother Pallete is her friend, so we have to see each other

Drop:

Sister Drop is very cute! But I can't understand her love for Mr. Merciless, he's already taken, he's in love with sister Lux, but I'll still teach my sister some manners!

Bonus:

Albedo:

He dares to think that he can go against the king and my with Callisto will , I'd rather move to Miss Killer than to him!

PaperJam:

I have an uncle with Miss Killer and Ink instead of a mom, I get enough love and care, but she and her brother still continue their tirade about depriving dad of parental rights.

Gradient:

Only Brother Callisto and Brother Pallete can hit dad! He dared to hit a member of the royal family! In Uncle's time, he would have been executed for this on the spot! He should be glad that dad is mercifull!

Angst (alive):

He once brought me a book about witchcraft and such... I don't want to know where and how he found them, but I am very grateful to him!

Artemis:

I try to distract her from my appearance, I put on glasses, change my hairstyle, dress differently, I like to walk with her and cook

--------------------------💠----------------------------

--------------------------💠----------------------------

E. L. A. by pretty Rose 🌹 @anotherrosesthatfell

Sunflower in full bloom au by pretty Cherry 🍒 @cherriesandbonbons / @purplesunflowerz

[virtuousweakling]

Hantengu finds out you have an ED.

⚠️ mentions of ED but not ed sheeran, b-ing/p-ing, restricting, etc. ⚠️

Includes: steaminess

Enjoy! ❤️

(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)

(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)❇(❇)

Hantengu was watching you silently as you sat across from him at the dinner table in the well-hidden rickety little cabin you shared together in the woods. The sun was beginning to set and it wasn't time for him to go out just yet, so he had nothing to do but observe you eating your own dinner. You cleared your throat, breaking the awkward silence. "Um...could you not stare at me while I eat? It makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry." You spoke in an almost defensive tone, trying to suppress the negative feelings that were arising in you. Feeding yourself was hard enough to do already and feeling someone's eyes on you while you did so was a hard no. "I-I wasn't staring!" Hantengu quickly looked down at the table, avoiding eye contact with you. "Hantengu, really, it's alright just... Try not to do it again." "But I swear, I wasn't doing anything!" You noticed he was beginning to tremble. "It's fine. Let's just drop it, ok?" You were not in the mood to argue so you decided to let it go. Hantengu sniffed as he nodded and you sighed, putting your fork down and excusing yourself to toss the remaining food in the trash. You were washing off your plate when you realized the sky behind the shabby cloth you put over the window (to protect Hantengu) was dark enough for him to head out. "You're probably starving, it looks safe enough to go out if that's what you need to do." Hantengu stood up and as he was about to walk towards the door, you asked him to come to you. He cautiously approached you and you leaned in to give him a quick peck on the cheek which made him flinch and as he turned away from you, you grabbed his bony wrist which caused him to shriek. "Wait a sec," you requested, as he shot back around to look at you. "Be safe, ok? I love you." Hantengu gave you a dying marriage side-face kiss and somberly exited the house.

The moment you saw the door shut, you charged towards the bathroom to evacuate the food you ate. A few minutes in you heard shuffling in the next room. "Y/N, I forgot to tell you that I-..." You quickly straightened your back and wiped your mouth, specks of blood vessels had burst beneath your eyes. Hantengu just blinked, noticing the vomit in the toilet and wondering if you became sick off of the food he'd been bringing you. Hantengu didn't let you leave the house in fear that you would abandon him (you know, the way he abandons you so frequently) so he had a tendency to steal human food from his victims and bring it back to you, claiming he "didn't know how he got it." He wasn't prepared to be accountable for any food poisoning you may have contracted. You began to talk with a rasp, "I can explain, I just..." Hantengu glared at you with a worried stare, listening. You flushed the toilet and rinsed your mouth with some tap water before asking him to sit down in your makeshift living area. He agreed, still nervous you were going to tell him he was at fault for something, but once you both sat down you reassured him it had nothing to do with him and that it was a 'you' thing. "Look, I'm going to explain this in a way I think is easiest to understand and if you're totally disgusted by me after this I get it." Hantengu's shoulders relaxed a bit as he realized it wasn't going to be a confrontation, but he looked so confused and he tilted his head slightly as you spoke. "Sometimes... I make myself throw up after I eat. I dunno I guess I've just done it for so long I..." He furrowed is bare, swollen brow bone, processing. "I restrict a lot, too, which is when I don't eat anything at all for a period of time and then I'll usually eat a ton of food and feel guilty about it. I feel like it's the only thing I can control, you know? I've never liked my body, and I never really felt like I...was in charge of anything. So when I do this, I feel like I'm the one in control." Hantengu took some time to consider everything you were saying, and he knew deep down exactly what you meant but in his own way. He thought to himself about how as a demon, he wouldn't be able to survive without human flesh and he honestly couldn't handle the idea of deliberately depriving himself of that, but he didn't enter that discussion solely because he'd have to open up about actively killing and consuming people. Hantengu paused before speaking and finally perfected the script in his deranged mind; "I...can't imagine why anyone would do such a terrible thing to themselves! Especially in a world where people hurt one another for no good reason at all! How pitiful it is to make yourself hurt when this evil world is capable as it is!" You honestly weren't too interested in reacting to what he'd just said you were so overcome with different emotions. You hugged your knees close to your chest as you looked up at the ceiling, attempting to dry your tearful eyes. "I guess... I guess I'm just going through a hard time, that's all. It's always been this way, I just don't talk about it. Not because I don't want you to know, it's just... Who really wants to hear about me, anyway?" Hantengu just sat quietly, looking down at the floor, taking in as much as his frantic mind would allow him. "Anyways," you tried to divert the subject, "you need to eat. Don't worry about me, I'll be fi-"

Suddenly your sentence was broken off by a kiss. Hantengu's dry lips pressed deeply into yours for what felt like five minutes. He pulled away and placed a frail, cool hand on your cheek. "I'm going to make a deal with you," he said calmly. "I won't eat if you won't eat." "Hantengu... It's not so easy..." Hantengu made another offer, this time more reasonable towards your own feelings. "I'll bring something back for myself and we will sit and eat together, how does that sound? And we'll sit together until you feel better. And if you feel bad, we'll figure it out." Who was this man? Is this the same Hantengu you knew? His consideration surprised you. You gazed into his glowing red eyes and pulled him in for another kiss, savoring the moment. "Ok. You have a deal." It's not as though your relationship was entirely distant and cold, you knew he was possessive over you and did indeed engage in sex with him quite often despite his frequent disposition of absolute terror and fear. In all actuality, Hantengu and you had sex on multiple occasions, a few of those times should have gotten you pregnant but your lack of period prevented that and you just never told him.

You leaned your head back in pleasure as he kissed your jawline, moving down your neck. He inhaled a spot on your throat deeply, particularly close to your main artery and you could tell he was beginning to drool at the scent like a hungry vampire. You caught your breath after a few light moans, "baby... Baby, you're starving. You need to eat." Your fingers were gently entwined in the remainder of his wavy black hair and he was slowly losing control of himself, nipping at you between kisses. You gave him a light, playful push and ordered him to go find someone -or "something"- to eat immediately. He already looked unhinged and emaciated as it was and him being in this state made him look even worse. Hantengu easily could have killed you right then and there and why he didn't was beyond you, perhaps your emotional vulnerability was a useful pawn in his narcissistic plans and hearing you vent was an extra bonus. Finally he agreed to leave and stood up, asking if you were absolutely sure you'd be ok if he left and he even offered to stay in for the night. "No, it's ok, really, do what you have to do. I'll see you when you get back." As Hantengu headed for the door, you stopped him one last time. "Hantengu?" "Hm?" He looked back. "What is it you'd forgotten earlier? You know, when you came back in?" His narrow, sunken red eyes looked so intense in the dim house only partially lit up by a couple of lamps. "I was just going to say that...well, I...I forgot to tell you that..." you looked up at him with big doe eyes, anticipating his next words. "That I love you."

Your heart almost skipped a beat at his kind words and you approached him for one last hug and kiss before sending him off. "Please be safe out there, I love you soooo much." He flashed a smile at you which he rarely ever did and nodded. You saw him out the door and once you knew he was officially gone, you squealed and threw yourself onto the pile of pillows you were sitting on. You kicked your feet in excitement at what he said, your heart still slowing down after your little session. You didn't care if he meant a single word he said, what mattered was the fact that he said it. Could he walk off and never return? Sure, but you knew how gullible you were to stay behind and wait for him. He could have turned up dead after a fatal encounter with a demon slayer and you still would have waited for him, devoted, never engaging with another man after him. You laid on your back, stretching your arms out and staring at the ceiling, daydreaming about you and Hantengu. Silly thoughts, such as picnics, freely and safely frolicking in the sun, kissing beneath a Sakura tree, etc. when...

"Oh, shit."

Suddenly your little fantasy was interrupted.

"How am I going to explain this to all of the clones?"

[pineappleciders]

Hello there ciders! Is nice to see that your requests are open again ^^

Me wants angst (hurt/comfort) so 👀

Clyde, Gregory (if ya write for him), Damien, Kenny and Stan when someone literally points them out that they've been ignoring reader for like a week because they were speding all their attention on other friend and that they now are a crying and confused mess in their room (the room of the character that pointed that out).

Ofc you don't have to do it If you don't feel like it! <3 Stay hydrated and don't forget to eat, take breaks est and sleep a good amount of hours ^^

clyde, damien, kenny, and stan unintentionally ignoring reader; platonic hurt/comfort

A/N: HIII!! i havent had a lot of experience writing hurt/comfort but i hope this will suffice. im also not great at writing for clyde but i tried!! the friend character has been hanging out with is not specificed and is referred to as F/N. and thank you!!!

i wanted to write a gregory segment but honestly i think its hard to fully depict his personality as he was only in the movie, so i apologize!! :(

reader is referred to with they/them pronouns

clyde donovan

clyde can be. very..... unaware sometimes. so it probably doesn't click that he hasn't been talking to you until someone hammers it into his brain. when he realizes he feels really stupid and guilty

"clyde! dude, i need to talk to you." tolkien rushes into the living room, where clyde and his friends were playing games on the couch.

clyde gets up and looks at him, as tolkien takes him into the next room. "what's wrong?"

tolkien looks kinda uncomfortable. "it's Y/N. they had a total breakdown in my room. they said something about you, i don't know what to do."

clyde,, doesn't like to hear this. he's actually kinda scared to go in there and see you crying, but the fact that you mentioned him has him kinda curious.

he lightly knocks on the door before creaking it open. "...Y/N?"

he sees you, awkwardly curled up in tolkien's racecar bed, sniffles and hiccups sounding throughout.

he hesitates for a bit, stumped on what to do, before stepping in and shutting the door behind him. he plays with his fingers.

he's incredibly nervous, but he steps closer to you, trying to get a better look at your face. "Y/N?"

you look up, and upon recognizing clyde's face, you sit up and wipe your tears. "o-oh. hey, man. what's- what's up?"

he's really stumped now. what does he say?????

"uh, i was checking if you're alright. did- did something happen?" clyde seems to kick his foot a little, seemingly trying to look at everything in the room but you.

you continue to wipe your face with your sleeve. "um- no, not really. it isn't-" you stop yourself, and an inner conflict is visible on your face. you sigh.

"y'know what, whatever. clyde, why- are- i feel like- like you've been avoiding me." you look away.

it doesn't process at first. "huh? avoiding you?"

you sniffle. "i mean, yeah. you've been, like- not talking to me and stuff and it seems like you're always busy. did i do something?"

"... but we're hanging out right now, right?"

"...... well yeah but it's different.. i mean like, alone. like you keep walking past me in school, and, when i wanted to be your lab partner, you-" you pause and hiccup. "agh, this is stupid, i'm sorry dude."

you can see the gears turning in clyde's head. "so, you think i've been ignoring you on purpose? i haven't... oh." he kinda has a durr moment and realizes the events of the past week.

he grimaces. "oughh, i just realized i've been hanging out with F/N way more lately.. i'm sorry, man. i didn't mean to make you feel left out."

you look at him again, with a little hope in your eyes. "wait.. so, you're not mad at me?"

he shakes his head. "no. i just kinda got busy, sorry for ignoring you. we can be partners for mr. garrisons next project, OK?"

you wipe your cheeks once more and nod. "yeah, OK."

he does a stupid lil grin, one that's strangely encouraging. "c'mon, we gotta get a slice of pizza before the guys eat it all!"

damien thorn

he's erm. very confused as to why it bothers you that much

he tries to be sympathetic though. keyword tries

"oh, dear. damien, i'm so glad you've come! ...what happened between you and Y/N?"

"... ?"

"well, it's just that.. i was talking to them and it seems you've been ignoring them for about a week or so."

"..." he thinks for a moment. "..not on purpose."

pip plays with his hands a bit. "well, i think you should go have a chat with them. they're up in my room."

damien looks at him with an unreadable expression, before making his way up the steps. he stands in front of pip's door, unsure what to do with his hands.

damien opens the door, and you look up from your spot on the bed. "damien, uh, hey, dude.." you quickly wipe your face and look at him.

he stands there for a moment, the both of you feeling the awkwardness kick in fast

"..pip wanted me to talk to you."

"'bout what?"

"about me ignoring you. i didn't do it on purpose." you can tell it strains him to explain himself.

you wipe your cheeks a bit more. "i- i know you didn't, but.. i dunno. i saw you and F/N hanging out and- you seemed really happy."

you have to admit, it's a little strange sharing your feelings of friendship with the son of satan.

".. i'm here now."

"...?"

"i'm here, hanging out with you. would you prefer i left?"

"i- no!" you find yourself speaking louder than intended. "i-i mean, no, i don't."

his head tilts a little. "then what is it that you want?"

you rub your arm, once again feeling like a shrimp in the presence of a shark. "well- maybe we could just, hang out. i dunno. you and me."

damien thinks for a moment, before nodding his head. "very well. we shall go play xbox at your house."

"really?"

"yes. now come, we must leave quickly so pip doesn't ask any questions."

"hah, okay."

in the hallway, right before you walk down the stairs, you hear damien mutter, "i didn't ignore you on purpose."

you chuckle and pat his shoulder. "yeah, buddy. i know."

kenny mccormick

god. he feels so bad about it.

i can see him being kinda confused on why it upset you so much,, but he does get it to an extent and he's just like. damn.

"dude, kenny, have you been ignoring Y/N?"

"mmph? mph!" (what? no!)

"they started crying because they thought you were, you should probably go talk to them in my room."

he opens the door and he's incredibly confused why you were crying next to stan's bed with your knees to your chest.

"mmph, mmph mph?" (dude, what's wrong?) he slowly sits next to you, putting his hand on your shoulder

you sniffle and look away. "can.. can you tell me why you're upset with me?"

".... mmph? mph mmph mmmf mmph mph!" (.... what? i'm not upset with you!) he's really confused now. what ever gave you that idea?

you look at him a bit oddly, wiping a few of your tears. "then.. why were you ignoring me?"

he ponders for a moment, trying to scan through the week that's passed since you two last hung out. to him, it just seems like you two haven't really had time to talk...

and then it hits him that he's been hanging around F/N a lot recently. as a result, you two haven't talked at all. to him, it really wasn't that big of a deal, but he feels bad when he realizes that you thought he didn't want to be around you anymore.

"mm, mmph... mph mmphph, mmph. mmf mmf mmmphph mmph mmf mph mph mmmph mmph... mmf mmph mmmph." (aw, man... i'm sorry, Y/N. i've been hanging around F/N a lot recently and.. i didn't realize.) he seems sheepish, and rubs his arm.

kenny gets up and extends his hand to you to take. "mmf mmph mmph mph mph, mmph? mmph mmmph." (i'm not mad at you, okay? i promise.)

you look at him, still a little weary, but relieved that it was just in your imagination. "yeah.. yeah, okay. thank you, kenny." you take his hand and he pulls you up.

you can't see his smile because of his parka, but you see his cheeks lift and his eyes crinkle, almost as if he's giving you a pep talk through his eyes.

"mmf mmph mmph! mmphh mmph mmf mm mmpph mmmph! "now, come on! stan's mom is making tuna helper!)

stan marsh

"oooof, jeez..." he's like scratching the back of his head and grimacing. like he doesn't know what to say but he feels very guilty

"stan, what's up with you and Y/N?"

"huh? what do you mean?"

"they said you've been avoiding them for like a week, what happened?" kyle crosses his arms.

"avoiding them? i haven't been avoiding them! we hung out like..... last friday..."

"well, whatever happened, it had them pretty upset at my house yesterday. they started crying about it right before we went to bed."

stan is incredibly confused. he knows it's been a bit since you two hung out, but he didn't think it was that serious!

he tries to look for you around school, hoping to maybe find you in the cafeteria or in the hallways, but nothing.

he sighs, entering the bathroom, but perks up once he sees you, washing your hands.

"Y/N! dude, i've been looking for you everywhere!" stan runs up to you, his face showing an emotion somewhere between awkwardness and relief.

you look a little down as you greet him. "hey, stan. what's up?" you dry your hands and face him.

he averts his eyes a little. "um... kyle was talking to me earlier, about how you slept over at his place yesterday? and, about..." he trails off, looking to find the right words.

you realize what he's talking about, and get a little embarrassed. "oh, yeah. i... i wanted to talk to you about it, but i didn't really know how to.."

his voices gets a little softer. "listen, um, i didn't mean to ignore you. F/N and i have been hanging out a lot recently, and, i dunno, i guess i kinda got caught up in it. i'm not mad at you or anything." he fidgets with his hands a little.

you look up a little. "oh, well, that's a relief." you say, with a little chuckle in your voice. "i.. i was kinda worried you didn't wanna be friends anymore.. but i guess i was overreacting."

stan looks at you. "it's fine, dude. you didn't overreact. i'm sorry." he puts his hand on your shoulder and squeezes it a little, giving a small reassuring smile.

you smile back. stan's always had a sort of hard time finding words to comfort people, so it means a lot that he's trying.

he pats your back, before looking nervous. "now, if you'll excuse me, i really have to shit." he runs into the stall, slamming it shut.

you chuckle and leave before the smell hits you.

[mcschnuggles]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thank you @agerefandom for the tag!

1.) How many stories do you have on A03? 247 and counting!

2.) What's your total A03 word count? 961k! If all goes well I should break 1 mil by next Regressuary

3.) What fandoms do you write for? It's probably easier to list what I DON'T write for lol. I'll try everything at least once. I don't know at what point that became my brand but now I try to lean into it

4.) Top 5 fics by kudos? The Android Left Behind, Down Came the Building, Gods to the Rescue, Please Don't Take Off My Mask, and A Blessing or a Curse! The sad part is I don't think I like any of them anymore

5.) Do you respond to comments? I try to respond to every one but some definitely slip through the cracks and I feel guilty about it every time

6.) What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? That would have to be Queensguard. And yeah I did get rude comments because people didn't read the author's notes

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? If I had to pick one, I guess Taakito? Something about that tentative forgiveness, of moving forward together, has a special place in my heart. Also silly crack pairing. Good for Merle.

8.) Do you get hate on fics? Sometimes but not often. I've been called cringe before, I've been harassed, but most of that is all years ago at this point.

9.) Do you write smut? Absolutely not

10.) Craziest crossover? I don't really write crossovers, so it would have to be the P5/TUA crossover I did a couple years ago

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen? Oh dear what a week that was

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! A couple of my MCU fics were translated into Russian. The translator was very kind :)

13.) Have you co-written a fic before? Stuffkin and I collab on series but that's the closest I've gotten haha. I don't work well with others

14.) All-time favorite ship? Maxie/Archie. It's been 10 years at this point I think I've earned my gold card

15.) What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? I try to finish everything I post so I have a lot of P5 WIPs that I never posted and I can't see myself returning to. A fic about Joker's Palace, the New Mask Strikers fic, 2 vamp au fics, and the Akira and Ren as twin fics will probably never see the light of day :(

16.) What are your writing strengths? Dialogue, I think? And imagery, maybe. I don't really know anymore.

17.) What are your writing weaknesses? I feel like my writing is very rote and repetitive. It's missing something and I still don't know what.

18.) Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I try to avoid it if possible. I just know I can't do it well.

19.) First fandom you wrote in? We don't say its name.

20.) Favorite fic you've written? Oh jeez this is a hard one. I'm kind of in that limbo where I don't like anything I've written, but I guess I like heart of a pokemon, heart of a child best. At least, other people have told me it's good

[colemorrison]

Here I wrote you a lil something

He knows you've been struggling. He hates knowing that you're suffering and that there's not much he can do for you. He can't fight the demons in your head for you. So instead he tries to give you support. He may not be a doctor or a field medic... But he's still your dad.

He can still get the kettle going, root around in the cupboards of the safe house until he finds one last package of the cocoa you liked as a kid. He can still go and get you out of bed. Even if picking you up takes a bit more out of his super soldier body than it did a decade ago.

Jack lays you down on the couch before going to get your drink. He listens to your confused complaining as he goes to mix together your hot chocolate.

"You've been laying in your bed for days kiddo, humour me and lay there for a few minutes? Change of scenery can do wonders sometimes."

He can't help but crack a smile as you fight back with how the few feet from the cot to the couch can't make that much of a difference. Yet you still stay put. You still trust him enough for that and it warms his heart.  As he walks back around the couch he tugs the throw blanket down on top of your legs and puts your mug down on the side table. He tugs down the zipper of his jacket and pulls it off.

"Sit up for me, just for a minute?"

He waits as you change your position and he places his signature coat around your shoulders, fussing with it for a moment before he plops down on the seat next to you. He goes to tease and ask if you're too old to cuddle with your old man but the way you quickly cosy up into his side steals the question and humour out of his sails. His arm falls around you and he squeezes you tight. He reaches to the side table and passes you the mug.

"Your old favourite.... Thought you could use the comfort."

He leans his head against yours. Frowning as he feels his visor clink against you. He sighs and reaches up to take the damn thing off. Pain in the ass to do with one hand... But he doesn't want to let you go. Not now. Not ever if he's being honest. The agony of what happened to Overwatch would pale in comparison to even the thought of losing his son.

"Cole... I... I'm not mad at you for feeling like this. It's not good... But you're allowed to feel like this. No one is mad at you. Worried? More than you could ever know. But, try not to feel guilty for that. Guilt is hard to avoid, I know. And sometimes you feel guilty for feeling bad when you feel like you don't have the right to feel stressed... But there's not a universal minimum amount of struggling you need to reach to be allowed to feel bad. You're stressed. Point blank. You don't gotta justify that to anyone. I know you probably don't want to hear the ramblings of your old man. But I need you to know that I care. Ya-zz cares. A lot of people care about you. They're willing to weather the storm with you and want to see you smile again. Even if it takes a while.” He pulls you in tighter against himself. Tucking his chin over the top of your head.

“Don’t forget that you’re cared for, okay?”

IM ACTUALLY SOBBING

HELLO??

THANK YOU SO MUCH I NEEDED THIS SO BAD

SO SO BAD

THANK YOI THANK YOU

[ashilrak]

ahhhh i've been trying to subscribe to that idea of posting despite it not being "perfect" and for the most part i'm happy with it and totally recommend. but sometimes i get such intrusive thoughts when i read other fics and they're so good and i think about mine and i know i shouldn't compare, it takes time and work and it doesn't mean people don't enjoy my fics etc etc but there's a shame that creeps in that makes me want to hide and delete them sometimes. 😅

oh and i also have adhd so i get so many ideas but i keep bouncing between them. sometimes they're for multi-chapter fics but i disappear in-between bc my brain decided to jump into a different fandom for x amount of time before bouncing back. i know i write for myself and all but i still feel guilty and ashamed when i leave people who clearly enjoy the story for months before updating. have you ever experienced this? how do you deal with it?

Hi! I've experienced all of this. At some points, it's been the sort of thing that has torn me up and at others it's been negligible.

For me, it comes back to writing for myself. It's very easy to get caught up with wanting to do something for the readers, especially when I know how haunted I personally am by fics that I've adored reading that remain unfinished. There are some unfinished fics I have that I've tried to come back to when I've returned to fandoms and it'd take re-outlining to get back into it, and at that point I'd rather start over.

The key to accepting this is accepting the nature of fanfiction. Every creative has started an idea and just not had it take flight — maybe it's not the right time, maybe it's not quite a full idea, or maybe they realize it's not one they care to do anything with. If you try an idea for a novel and it doesn't go anywhere, no one will ever know. If you try an idea for a fanfiction, you probably posted those first couple chapters online.

I have friends of mine who have gotten 80% into writing a novel and couldn't decide on an ending so abandoned it for another project. This is the sort of thing that happens all the time, it's just that with fanfic you're usually sharing the rough draft as you go.

Discipline does play a factor in finishing fic, of course, but I think there's a line between having the discipline to keep writing a story you're passionate about when motivation is lacking and continuing to force an idea that just isn't taking shape (for whatever reason).

The only way you're going to ever avoid this entirely is if you write a fic beginning to end before you ever start posting. That's not the most fanfic writers' experience, and that's okay! But it means writers and readers risk fics that will never be finished (for any number of reasons). This is why there are a good number of readers out there who only read completed fics.

Fanfic is a hobby, and I don't think it's healthy to tear yourself to shreds or force yourself through something you hate for something that's supposed to be relaxing and fun. Parts of it can be stressful — I've run several gift exchanges and loved doing it, but that doesn't mean there weren't points I was tearing my hair out over defaults and unresponsive participants — but ultimately, it's supposed to be something that brings you joy.

Long fics are an undertaking, and sometimes writing is the last thing you want to do, but the project as a whole is satisfying. I do think there's a lot of value in long-term projects, when the day-to-day can sometimes suck but you know you're working toward a goal. Achieving that goal is huge, but it's also hard, and it isn't the only goal someone could have with writing fic.

If that is a goal you have, there are ways to work toward achieving it. But, how to do that (especially in the face of ADHD) is an entirely different conversation.

And to address the point of comparisons, I don't think it's something that will ever go away. It's to be human, I think. But I have two favorite ways of dealing with that. The first is to separate myself as a reader and a writer. I write because I enjoy it and I read because I enjoy it. If I am reading something that is absolutely amazing, sure I'd love to one day be able to produce that, but more importantly in that moment, I'm really enjoying reading it. The second way is to try to learn from the writing I love. I'll take a step back and ask myself what about it do I love and how are they achieving that? How can I learn from that and bring it into my own work? For me, these are two separate actions. I could read the same work twice through these different lenses and have entirely different experiences.

Ultimately, fandom is for fun and that's the most important thing 🩷

[ama-factkin]

not really a question, I just want to talk about my experience and know if it's normal.

I'm a factkin of a singer who's still alive, and i genuinely identify with him and as him, but I feel really guilty because of that. I don't know why, it's probably because of what people think about factkins? Maybe.

I usually just say I kin the cartoon version of him instead of HIM because, well, the cartoon version isn't really him. The cartoon version is really "me" and I do kin it as that version, but I do kin him as THE person too and I feel guilty about that, is that normal?

I'm also considering / kinsidering another singer because I do "kin" slash identify a lot with him but I feel even more guilty because he's dead and he doesn't have a cartoon version I can use to excuse myself EUGHHHHH I have even thought about saying that I'm a system (even though I'm not) to just say it's a factive eugejdjksbdnsb I hate being a factkin it's genuinely so weird and hard and

Hey anon!

I can't tell you if your experience is 'normal' or not but what I can tell you is that you're not hurting anyone by being who you are. Lots of factkin do feel some kind of negative feeling associated with their identity, whether it's shame, guilt, sometimes trauma, annoyance, or even anger. I can say that you have nothing to feel guilty for but I know that likely doesn't do much to help you.

If I could make a suggestion, if there is somewhere in your life where you see a lot of negativity towards factkin you should take a step back from it. Maybe that means muting or leaving a discord server/other online space, maybe it means not scrolling through the factkin tag, maybe it means avoiding certain topics with your friends. If you can take a couple steps back it may be helpful to you.

If there is no space in your life like that and you just feel guilty for internal reasons, I suggest you start practising more self-care. Let yourself be who you are without punishing yourself for it. Every day, try saying something nice about yourself. You can think it in your head if saying it out loud is too hard. Just be nice to yourself. <3

You are not alone. You are valid. There is nothing wrong with your identity. <3

Have a nice weekend anon!

PS: If you like this blog consider doing a daily click for Palestine.

[theseance444]

MUN MEME

Do you make your bed? I try to make sure the under sheet is covered, to avoid animal hair, but I'm also forgetful and have a bad back lol

Favourite number? Multiples of 2 or 5. But also 42069 bc I'm a child apparently

Job? Hairstylist

If you could go back to school, would you? I should say yes, but I found out after college that I'm audhd, hard of hearing, and dyslexic. No wonder I hated school LMAO

Can you parallel park? Only on a blue moon

Do you think aliens are real? Yeah but probably not in the way we think they are.

Can you drive a manual car? Nah

What's your guilty pleasure? Ok I'm gonna say first, as an artist and a writer, I despise AI. It is destroying industries. But sometimes I'll make chatGPT write me stories to read based on prompts I write. Not to post, just dumb shit for me to read. But I'm gonna be real, chatGPT is an extremely predictable and unreliable narrator. Custom, but shitty, fics for me to pass the work day with.

Tattoos? 18ish I think? Planning on infinitely more. I've also been learning to tattoo! Pls give me a reason to do a tattoo tour tbh

Favourite colour? Green, pink

Do you like puzzles? In theory.

Any phobias? Heights, large crowds, loud sudden noises.

Favourite childhood sport? I did horseback riding competitively for around ten years! I wish I could afford to get back into it.

Do you talk to yourself? I'm either vocal stimming/singing to myself, or completely silent for long stretches of time, no in between.

I was tagged by: @untilthcyrot

I'm tagging: @commissioncd , @magicalmystery-muses , and @accordedxneutralxterritory