#i'm mourning fr

[wrenfen]

me: *sobs bc my absolute fav nail polish brand got discontinued*

also me: birthday soon means i can go crazy trying to find a dupe ヽ(•̀ω•́ )ゝ✧

[dreamyintersexouppy]

i feel a little sad that i transitioned publicly and with zeal partially through no fault of my own (a friend i talked to outed me to my family behind my back) but also just through ignorance. i had very little knowledge of trans people let alone trans women. the only trans person i knew was my transmasc friend who came out to me and opened the doors of possibility for me. i had obviously internalized my societies transmisogyny but i wasn't conscious of it enough to act on it intentionally, like by fearing leaving the closet.

this was all back in 2015 too, the last decade has been a massive uptick in the visibility of trans women, mostly negatively, but back then i had less idols less visible sisters and no community. i was the only public trans person in my high school, i had babytrans underclassmen looking up to me even though i was still just as much a kid as they were. it felt so rough and messy and like i was being treated like a test run by the people around me, but very few times did i question what i was or harbor hatred for my transfemininity and i think that's mostly because of my lack of knowledge.

i've learned so much since then and i think if i knew all this when i was a scared little kid, still coping with my disabilities and sexual abuse, the idea of leaving the closet would have been the most cosmically terrifying thing in the world. even just experiencing it in ignorance i hated my visibility, i hated being treated like i should be a leader by cis and trans people, like i was emblematic of a monolith that i ostensibly felt not a part of since i didn't meet a single other transfem in real life until i cracked one of my friends egg. basically i really see the fear and loneliness that can be in the closet because my experience really was terrible and messed up a lot of my developing years, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. i would rather live as a woman and pick up the pieces of my life to build it all over again day after day than still be lying in bed planning the day i die ripping holes in my skin in hopes that all the pain might stop the yearning i felt for what i had no understanding of.

basically i have a lot of love and sympathy for transfems in the closet, but i also never intend to let them stay there. that miserable limbo is a construct of our society, an unspoken punishment inflicted unfairly on my sisters that they should never have had to endure. for however long any transfem stays in the closet, for any valid reason that they need to, i support them and love them, but i weep for them anyway and hope the day they feel safe and loved and like themselves will come. not because i want to push them out of the closet but because they never should've been placed there to begin with. it feels like a voluntary act, but if you Know the closet and what waits right outside its door, you know it's a prison and you don't ever truly get to choose when or how you leave

[sugaflare]

whenever I see current sunjae acting like a total stranger to im sol and not treating her like she hung the stars and moon herself I imagine all the past dead sunjaes watching him from heaven and getting frustrated and screaming "AISHHH THIS BRAT" and grumbling

[unproduciblesmackdown]

revisited some parts of deh i hadn't in a while via obc boots, mostly kicked off by audio of an aus tour show, & it's like now hang on lol reevaluating the whole of heidi's material / that arc like i have been too generous what in the....kind of worked backwards from good for you b/c for that song i've Been like sympathetic re: alana & jared's sections while like Shrug at heidi like i'm on evan's side there really. but the whole thing is like, sympathy for heidi's feelings aside, i'm on evan's side b/c like yeah heidi has feelings & insecurities too but it's not the same peer to peer like fellow unpopular couple of students as parent to child & i'm looking at it all like The Whole Thread is heidi's insecurities as A Mother & the demand is on evan all the time to not just Not cause her insecurity but also assuage ones that have nothing to do with him, e.g. what's he supposed to say about digs at his dad's wife

& like really going over that First Scene i.e. opening scene post evan's soliloquy i.e. anybody have a map it's like. sure only increasingly like Oh Boy when evan not being able to order pizza despite the online option is met with the "you Need to be able to order dinner for yourself" ft. that he should be "too old for this" (disability....grow up) (not a direct quote but rather yknow the "you're a senior in high school, evan" intro) & nothing about like, support or alternatives, certainly nothing about it being Okay that he couldn't. just that he Has to do this thing this way (why. or else what.) & also just the simple fact that evan has been honest about "something wrong with him" / something he did that he figures she wouldn't like & gotten this wholly negative response about that just being Unacceptable to hear, regardless of the "positive" pivot like you can do it re: school, just must not be Trying enough, just must be evan's own attitude or something else about him, the letters had better help....& all this revisiting inspired by beau woodbridge evan's delivery after heidi says the line about Her Not Wanting To Hear (framed about Her Feelings if evan were to Tell her about this) about evan having no friends, & like the delivery of "neither do i??" like a sort of nonplussed indignation that is a kind of "how do you think *i* feel about it??" like no yeah what about evan's feelings about him dealing with his problems here, the one not having dinner, not having friends, not Not having anxiety, etc. like obviously heidi like every person ever has feelings & problems too but it's that the parent's problems are supposed to be Made Up For by the child somehow, while evan's problems are framed as Being A Problem for his mom, how she feels about Knowing about it, try harder please okay evan....but cue, yknow, how she resents evan feeling any responsibility for Her Problems in gfy yknow not insofar as she's been embarrassed to tell him like "yeah money is a problem" when it's been about pushing him to get scholarships but rather when the murphys know (maybe just via evan implying they're Not Rich to zoe after zoe is like ah, to be poor....) that heidi will need Financial Support for college for evan & then heidi like i'm not That poor & to take money would be wrong (always the reminder heidi does not know everything re: evan & connor isn't true either)

which, that last part of her dinner at the murphys pre gfy was really this time hitting like ://// whew okay. all of it always grating lmao but like, "i don't want evan to get the idea etc" like ma'am he's sitting right here? he's seventeen? can't just Declare the ideas evan will or won't absorb even though like yeah also clearly it's about her pride as A Good Mom being wounded & just putting it on evan by expressing it that way like no i have to be A Good Mom via my example, is why i must decline....& like i'm sure it can all be softened depending on how heidi is played but still like, this is about her Full Story / Material, & just what is written lol like even if she was more [pensive emoji single tear] in delivery or something, vs watching the obc like full anger & contempt by this point & i'm like yeah this Shouldn't be familiar if the excuse of like "well heidi is messing up in this Special Occasion, an outlier" really went that far. or was actually out of line w/how she acts other times. or how this all resolves. but heidi storming out While lashing out at evan / blaming him like my god lmfaooo & like. speaking of "do you think the murphy parents did read between the lines & think evan & connor are secret gay high school lovers" like gee evan having no problem moving in to the murphy household, keeping secrets from his mom like his ostensible epic friendship w/connor, not talking aobut her or really trying on his own to involve her, being fairly alarmed when Surprise Dinner With Your Mom, heidi acting like That??? like "do you think the murphy parents read between the lines to think evan is abused by his parent" i mean like lol lmfaooo on both points like heternormativity? the normativity of abuse & parents Owning their child as well? in the murphy household? but you know. of course no deh is not supposed to be about that but i'm like, uh oh, whole time i was like "well my own perspective based on what i learned from personal experience & then learned About such experiences isn't that relevant at least to heidi b/c it's supposed to be that she's Not Like That at the end of the day" but i'm like is it in effect though lol, is it really that different In Essence if not also like "yep the way heidi acts is just directly familiar sometimes. maybe often. or always" difference in degree like. plus just that how often is whatever particular lens/perspective like Useless to apply

anyway & that fight in the leadup to gfy is wild & just like further illuminating re: how the whole time, from the first scene, it's like okay to heidi what's most important in her motivations is Her Insecurity about how anything about evan supposedly reflects on her being a mom, like. again that heidi has no idea everything about evan & connor isn't true & she's just going sicko mode at evan b/c the murphys Aren't His Family, yknow, She is, & that entitlement that's supposed to come with it, evan can't have these other adults acting Parently towards him re: money & housing & dinners & feeling fond of him or anything, all circumventing her status as His Mother....the whole "sorry i can't give you more than that, shit" "well it's not my fault other people can" like yeah sorry about your feelings heidi, yeah it's not "nice" of evan to say that but i'm not like yes evan must never even think things that aren't nice(tm) much less say them, that again like even if we sympathize w/heidi there b/c obviously yeah she'd be hurt & feel insecure. even if we suppose that was mean of evan. i'm like well yeah he's right. just setting aside the apparent universal desire for a life as closely approximating the brady bunch as possible, it's like hey yeah look evan's been getting dinners this way, re: him not ordering a pizza at the start of a show. turning out to be less important like "well at least you've been eating, good" than evan not doing so through the Proper efforts to Become Normal(tm) & of course that like. coming from another mom staying home making him food is unacceptable b/c she imagines this is supplanting her / making her the Bad Mom vs this Good Mom & then taking it out on evan to make her feel Good Enough(tm) like truly just the usual fallback refrain of "ohh sorry i'm not perfect / have feelings / have problems" which is true for everyone ever but yknow evan is the one having to Defend his feelings & problems & imperfections against the fallout of "failing" to be "responsible" for mitigating or fulfilling heidi's & she's the one who can break out "i'm your mother" whereas evan's less overtly declared "i'm your son" about her potentially failing Him is what gets met with more contempt & "ohh sorry i'm not perfect & have feelings & problems" & her starting off Good For You. great

& like the way All That illustrates, like the way evan getting dinner now through a different now available avenue is, to heidi, more about her own feelings than about [evan gets dinner now], like just that expanded to how it's not Okay that evan's problems seem to be getting better / he's getting more support / he's doing better or anything as soon as heidi becomes insecure about her not having the role she wants in it. the entire thread about her being bothered about evan not telling her things, lying about things, hiding things, like yeah evident that she Is worried about him but same as she's evidently worried about him in the first scene, when, again, we Did see him share something honestly with her & she was like "UGH evan jeez i Hate that you told me this" & then her input is to tell him to Get Good, yknow, must be his own failures, get on that. gosh why would he keep anything from her. & then yknow we have that line later on, evan like you don't know me & heidi like "i thought i did" (contempt again) & like the main issue of this not being like "oh no if i Don't know him or about his problems then i'm not supporting him like i thought i was / he's not getting the support Overall i thought he was" but rather like i can't believe evan is doing this to me / her insecurities & evan's "responsibility" for them, again, rather than yknow. evan's wellbeing regardless of her personal feelings? & we're ready for resolution after heidi inadvertently reads his diary to realize he was that sad & it's like. even if he wasn't That Sad like none of that response was okay. at any point lol like it's still the issue of her dynamic with him where evan is In Charge Of how heidi feels & that obviously she can act on this in the ways she can & what can evan do about anything but avoid her / not share things / idk indeed move in with this other family lol, sorry about the pretenses (also obviously like. murphy parents not doing that much better. certainly larry like, are you kidding? never changes his mind that all connor's problems were connor's fault & Failings & now his reaction to it is about facing any insecurity & Rejecting It as no i'm always right & just have to hold out forever. vs that zoe is also bearing the brunt of being Trapped In The Family(tm) but cynthia dares to be like "no, i feel like i failed my dead son" & "no, i don't feel someone 'has to be the bad guy' who tramples boundaries")

like speaking of boundaries. ppl having always pointed out "uh oh, heidi's not good with those" or the point like "in gfy heidi's also mad about the rejection by her ex-husband & just putting that over her fight w/evan" like not beating the [parent making their child the one in charge of them & their feelings & actions] allegations.......

& you know, the resolution like "ohh you were sadder than i knew" like okay Now that matters instead of heidi Just being insecure that he wasn't sharing this with her already, thus the important part being how that makes her feel like a bad mom vs like, how evan is actually doing & her actual role in this beyond what makes her feel best, personally? or that like oh i'm Not going to not be here, physically, in this house....like okay. but what about the actual dynamic you have while around him & you will always be around him, b/c like, has that changed from the start. how is heidi going to offer support re: evan Feeling Like This that's different from "you Need to order pizza and Need to get your cast signed, Just Do It" or that b/c she doesn't want to hear otherwise like well then of course evan won't tell her, or maybe a therapist if that's not confidential, or other people if it'll get back to his mom, or the internet if that'll get back to his mom which i guess it will. is evan gonna be not in charge of her feelings anymore. i'm just like yeah evan find yourself in college sure get outta there idk if you're even rude along the way. & obv shoot larry into the sun

[ferberus-skull]

Look hard at my stripes. There'll be no more after me.

[reijndeers]

omd get back??? hands off my assistant manager/individual development coach/arteta's restraint etc etc

[sainz100]

idk how to explain it, but I feel this small bubble of hope. as if some good news is right around the corner 🫧🌅 not yet, but maybe soon, I'll always feel that hope that the next chapter will be better than the last

[clowndensation]

oh! the formless one is level 40. okay <3

[welivefast-dieyoung]

DUA AND CALLUM ENGAGED?!??????

[queen-mabs-revenge]

wild to think that my 5mo old kittens are the same weight now as my little old lady was when we said goodbye. like it's kind of putting the first half of the year in the perspective I didn't fully have at the time bc I was so deep in the trenches

[ashes-onthewind]

I say they're just the ones who gave me life, but i truly am my parents' child. I'm so good at telling lies—that came from my mother's side, told a million to survive

god, i have my father's eyes.. i can run but I can't hide

it's hard to put it into words, how the holidays will always hurt. i watch the fathers with their little girls and wonder what i did to deserve this.. how could you hurt a little kid? I can't forget, i cant forgive you, 'cause now im scared that everyone i love will leave me

all that i did to try to undo it, all of my pain and all your excuses, yeah i was a kid but i wasn't clueless. someone who loves you wouldnt do this.

all of my past, i tried to erase it, but now i see, could i even change it??

we might share a face and share a last name, but we are not the same

[cilly-murphy]

I'M ON A HIATUS THEY CAN'T LEAK IT NOW NO

[firetheturtletits]

Today has been rough. It's about to be 7pm where I am, and I just finally pulled it to get out of my bed for anything other than using the restroom, and made myself a shitty quesadilla in my disaster of a kitchen. I know what things I need to do that will help me recover from this loss with less difficulty, but I'm truly struggling to make myself go through the motions. I think it's been 4 days since my last shower, but, I have to give myself the small wins. More so, give myself the right to be proud of them. Have I had water today yet? No, but I grabbed a gatorade so I'm getting there. Is my sink covered in dirty molding dishes? Unfortunately, yeah. But, last night I washed a mug to make a cup of tea and that's more than I've done in a while. I left my bed last night long enough to read an entire book! Shouldn't I be so proud of myself for that? I have a 3 day duolingo streak, and fuck I'm proud of that too. So, if you're going through depression like this, maybe you struggle with mental health, are grieving a loss, or both, be proud of yourself for even the tiniest wins. Because if nothing else, you are here and I am so proud of you. If you know someone else struggling, tell them how proud you are of them, and ask if they know what could be helpful support. And just know, a lot of the times even if we can't respond to your texts, we see them. And that love is helping carry us through this.

[youmakethelight]

I might still be grieving for the original caryl spinoff tbh. The pace at which I discovered what happened over the last 5 years was intense.

Within maybe a month, I went from having given up on twd flagship years ago, deciding to catch up from season 9 anyway, getting invested bc of how cool the whisperers story was, noticing caryl vibes were happening, getting invested and hyped for what was coming, picking up the spinoff hints in the 10x01 new mexico scene, being v v v excited, loving the focus on both Carol and Daryl and feeling like I could finally lean into them really having always been my fav characters, accidentally seeing a trailer for daryl dixon (??), reading that there was meant to be a spinoff called daryl & carol with angela kang, thinking that means carol must die (?!) in the flagship, watching till the end and she never died and caryl never resolved their fight either, and then reading the showrunner changed to this rando white man.

I guess I had been hoping season 2 would fix that and become the show it was always meant to be, but well, no. So, now I'm back in my mourning phase for what could have been. And I get that most of the fandom already went through this and it seems like I'm just dwelling in the past, but it's sort of not the past for me I think. Like I only just learned all of this within the last few months.

[glowingreverie]

.

[survivorsfm]

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