#i'm living with the agony now

[waywardted]

(x)

[suedeuxnim]

Every once in a while i get completely consumed by sailor moon like its a fucking nen demon lurking behind me and I try not to make it everyone else's problem but i am failing at that spectacularly this week.

[my-current-obsession]

I VERY rarely do this kind of thing but I have to rant a little about this hp drarry fic. Mostly because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it, but said thoughts and feelings are very mixed so I couldn't bring myself to leave a comment since I don't want to come off as hating/critiquing, but I have to vent about it SOMEWHERE.

I really enjoyed it in the beginning, and I want to say I ultimately still like it. But I WANT to love it and just can't, because it frustrates me. Literally every person in this fic, including all of Draco's friends and even his mother, is on Harry's side of the situation. And that just isn't right.

I understand that "everyone" can see that Harry is in love with Draco and wants to be with him, which is why they keep trying to steer Draco towards him, but personally I think the conflict and onus to fix things is very much on the wrong person.

I don't care how obvious Harry supposedly is. There is a difference between being obvious and being explicitly clear. It should not be up to Draco to magically REALIZE Harry has feelings for him, it should be on Harry to clearly, explicitly tell him. If Harry wants to be with him so badly he needs to put his feelings into words instead of just implying things.

Because OF COURSE Draco wouldn't realize how Harry felt when he was so explicitly rejected before. Why the hell is it on the person who was hurt - possibly even heartbroken - to figure out that the guy RESPONSIBLE for that hurt actually DOES like him now so they can be together?

The entire conflict of this story comes down to Harry's inability to clearly confess his feelings and Draco's inability to understand them WITHOUT said clear confession. And that sucks because the rest of the plot and the character writing is SO fun and engaging, but I feel personally wronged by this conflict and the fact that literally everyone keeps trying to push Draco at Harry instead of seeing his viewpoint and going either "well, Potter screwed up and has missed his chance now" or just freaking confronting Harry and making it clear that he NEEDS to confess or Draco will never understand because he was so badly burned by him before that he's completely blind and/or willfully ignorant to the idea of Harry ever loving him, and no amount of just flirting will break through to him.

To be clear, I'm not inherently against fics where the conflict is just that the pining idiots won't admit their feelings. My frustration here is that Harry is BLATANTLY pining and making moves so clearly he wants to make something happen with Draco yet STILL doesn't do the obvious thing of just confessing. It's one thing to withhold your feelings if you DON'T want the other person to know or your relationship to change. But Harry DOES, which makes him sitting on his confession and getting hurt every time Draco doesn't notice his dangled hints upsetting.

Basically, one or both parties having a chronic case of Cannot Spit it Out is fine, but here, where one party is clearly pursuing the other but the other is oblivious? In general that's fine too but this fic has a REASON Draco is oblivious. I feel like it makes perfect sense NOT to expect/want anything romantic from someone who rejected you before, so since Harry made that bed now he has to lie in it.

Maybe it's a stretch, but this to me feels lowkey like victim blaming. It's clear that Draco liked Harry in the past and was incredibly hurt by the fallout of their one-night-stand, yet rather than sympathizing with him or trying to make the relationship happen on Harry's end, everyone in his life is just telling him to trust Harry now and that he won't be rejected. Which then led to him opening up just a little bit before a misunderstanding happened that led to him getting hurt and feeling rejected AGAIN.

I really do want to love this fic, but as someone who has BEEN hurt and rejected, I just don't understand how everyone in Draco's life can side with Harry. I don't understand why it's up to Draco to realize Harry loves him without being told, instead of up to Harry to verbally convey that.

[smol-blue-bird]

folks, I think I might have Lyme disease

[chuuciae]

look mr bear it's a mr bird

[writereleaserepeat]

Took a walk out in the -10F (around -30F with windchill) and got so many whumpy ideas... frostbite and hypothermia my beloved.

[trainwreckweather]

....

[sapphicautistic]

man if my childhood self knew someday i'd get mad over NOT being able to do chores.... she would not recognize me lmao

[heartofstanding]

just checked the word doc which has my draft of the shrewsbury wound-john bradmore sequence, thinking it was around 10k long. it's actually 19,242 words long. double what i thought it was. holy crap.

[meatmensch]

"why are you repressed and constantly distracting yourself?" well, as i am continuing to learn, everything hurts! hope this helps <3

[oceanlovingcommunist]

i did so much work on setting up my bedroom yesterday and it’s FINALLY feeling Mine. it feels so good

[tiredassmage]

IT’S DONE. IT’S DONE DAMN IT. [DISTRESSED KAZOO] Shaking, crying, swearing about my feelings, etc, etc.

you are my ddaaadd, you’re my dad!! boogie woogie woogie woogie!!! don’t look at me i’m trying to cope

I’m sorry it’s 2am I’m SO emotionally compromised I love him I love this man why agent hurt so good (beloved, don’t change), anyway, appreciation post for the two (2) whole authority figures in his entire life Tyr ever marginally respected and extra props to them for pulling off ‘major respect’ status (okay, the bar was LOW maybe but. still. its not just bc of that that they cleared by such a margin) and also I’m taking massive persistent damage don’t TALK to me about IA/Watcher Two I’m FINE i’m tOTALLY FIne and. there’s something in my eyes. It’s fine it’s fine everything is fine.

also i didn’t catch it because i was too busy LAUGHING but i brought kaliyo this time and heR COMMENT AFTER HE TALKS TO ARDUN Klnfla;dsnflkasdnflk;sadnfl “if you two are done making out” kALIYO PLEASE I love these dumb bitches so much your honor, the IA crew is just a collective train wreck they’re all doing the action slide gun pose together that’s the collective team brain cell somewhere between james bond theme and pink panther

[inhales] anyway if you haven’t played imperial agent and you’re following me i am propaganda’ing you into experiencing my absolutely unbiasedly favorite swtor class [i’m biased. but it’s also really good.]

send tweet and all that jazz

[bredforloyalty]

guys i'm gonna be honest. about two things. 1. playing super mario bros on the switch pisses me off 2. i have literally no idea how i'll write 10 pages on moral development by jan 2

[chronomally]

Bad. I hate it

[planetarytransformation]

so many of the transfems i know spent their time pre-transition performing a kind of lifelong exercise in self-deprivation, the goal of which was to find out exactly how little a person needed to live. they starved themselves, dressed carelessly, shunned friends, and hollowed themselves out so as not to be burdens on anyone but themselves.

i see it now, too, in the girls around me. i'll ask if they want care – a home-cooked meal, relaxed company, sex without the expectation of reciprocation – and they say no, no, thank you, i don't need it; what would you like, what do you want, because in their head they're still doing that awful calculus, still training themselves to disappear in the eyes of the people around them.

i don't think i'd have died without transition – not in the conventional sense, at least – but to take that leap, i had to stop thinking of myself as a human experiment in fuel-efficient living and start nurturing the anemic, atrophied flame of desire in my heart. i had to learn to eat well, to exercise, to style myself beautiful, but harder than that, i had to learn to ask the people around me to work on my behalf in order to enrich my life and give me the things i wanted.

and i did it; i learned. and it was agony, but courage is a muscle you can train, and every day i get better at accepting gifts with the hungry gratitude i never learned in my years and years as a sad, scared, lonely boy.

so be patient with the trans girls in your life. better than that: be proactive, attentive, generous; be forceful, if you have to, and learn to distinguish real discomfort from the terrified reflex of self-denial that so many of us once learned to rely on.

and if you are so lucky as to love a trans girl, you must insist upon her. you must insist upon her happiness, her comfort, her pleasure, and her rest, because she may still not yet know how to make those demands for herself. if you can devote any amount of energy to becoming an engine that nurtures the flame of even a single tgirl then there is a place for you in trans heaven, which as far as i'm concerned is the only one worth going to

[ender-lune]

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. FUCK!!! [emits a psychic blast blows up everything in a 500 mile radius]