#i'm living with the agony now
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#ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso#ted x rebecca#rebecca welton#teddy boy#otp: you liven up the place#m*ne#mine: lasso#i'm living with the agony now#and my brain keeps echoing with the love was there the love was there the love was#and it still matters#and it did save them so i left that part out
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his mama was a friend of mine / and this boy was a muse's son / on the railroad line on the road to hell / you might say the boy was touched / 'cause he was touched by the gods themselves!
give it up for Orpheus!
[Image Descriptions:
Image 1: A digital drawing of Morpheus, Dream of the Endless, cradling a very young baby, swaddled in a piece of black, starry fabric. Around them swirls the cosmos, colorful stars in the deep black void. Dream is a very pale white man (/anthropomorphic personification) with jet black, short-ish hair. He is slightly hunched over and looking down at the baby with a vulnerable, almost star-struck expression. He is shirtless, the painting cutting off above his hip. Dream has both arms securely around the baby, one hand supporting their head, the other their legs. The baby is light-skinned with short, brown hair, and is looking back up at him, one arm slightly outstretched toward him.
A golden-yellow glow hits Dream's hair, face, chest, and arms, making it seem like it is radiating from the baby he is holding. The baby themself is not glowing.
Dream (but not the baby) is stylized heavily and messily with very colorful brushstrokes, shadows in dark blue, purple, magenta and the occasional turquoise; highlights in cyan, pink, white, and the occasional yellow.
A quote from Chapter 8 of Brief Lives is arranged around the two. Above Dream's head, it reads: "I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. They're always / flaring up and / caving in and / going out." Next to his head, it reads "But from here," and then wrapping around the baby's head: "I can pretend." The words continue running down Dream's back: "That things last." The following sentence, placed below Dream's arms reads: "I can pretend / that lives last longer than / moments."
The full text reads: "I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. They're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here I can pretend. That things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments."
Images 2 and 3 are two close-ups of Dream's expression, and the baby in his arms.
Image 4 is a version of the artwork without the text.
End IDs]
#dream of the endless#morpheus#lord morpheus#the sandman netflix#the sandman#with a side of:#the sandman comics#brief lives#orpheus#orpheus the sandman#orpheus sandman#digital art#fan art#the sandman fanart#i'm gonna be real with you all. i am literally so unwell. i am so deeply unwell#still in my post-brief-lives-agony phase and not expecting to ever get out of it#this belongs to the dreamholdingthingshecouldntkeepalive.png collection#it's not really spoilers now is it. like if you don't know how orpheus' tale ends that's on you
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Every once in a while i get completely consumed by sailor moon like its a fucking nen demon lurking behind me and I try not to make it everyone else's problem but i am failing at that spectacularly this week.
#the agonies of being the one person in all of your friend groups who has Too Many opinions on sailor moon#the new movie flipped a switch and now i'm screaming in the streets again its fine#sorry to my friends who I keep messaging at 3am but its not my fault if you live on the west coast-
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folks, I think I might have Lyme disease
#had a tick bite a while ago and I thought I yoinked that sucker off before it was on me long enough to transmit anything#but now I'm achy and headachy with a 102 degree fever and joint pain#didn't see a rash but sometimes you don't get one#anyway it's doxycycline for me in the morning ig#I managed to avoid it for 21 years so I guess this is just nature collecting its dues at this point#the agonies of living in the Lyme Disease Capitol of America (TM)
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look mr bear it's a mr bird
#it's a great-tailed grackle :) he's strutting by the pool#they sing and scream and strut their stuff and it's been that way my whole life. total divas#mum isn't doing so great but still refuses the er so we're staying another day#my super happy high wore off and now i'm in agony again LMAO but it's cool#pics from earlier today cuz my sleep schedule is whack and i slept all day it's actually 2am here rn.#chu shut up#chu live action adventures#<‐-- that's my irl pic tag btw in case i forgot to mention
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I just... I can't
#found out last night that my brother is dating the person who emotionally abused and gaslit me from childhood to early teenhood again#and i can't do it again i just I'm terrified of my family especially my mother allowing her back in to the family again you know#like it destroyed me and now I'm feeling paranoid and panicky like are my family going to ignore it all over again?#are they gonna let her hurt me again? Are they gonna hurt me with their decisions again?#I can't fall into that kind of depression again I won't survive it a second time#am i gonna be on my own again? Am I gonna have to live in agony again#i deserve better than this#that little girl deserved better than that. I was just a kid! God fucking damn it! I deserved protection#you said she was like a daughter to you... i AM your daughter#why didn't anyone protect me...#my life
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Perhaps it's good to acknowledge how much at a breaking point I am at. That I cannot be this trapped. That something has to change. In theory, I would have already changed it, since the problem is the helplessness. Like I need to stop living with this amount of financial deprivation and unsustainability. I need help and support. I need rest and distance from crisis. I need to feel safe.
#i need to blow past barriers and the problem is nearly all those barriers are lack of support money or having a disability#but i am not trapped how i was before#i don't know WHAT to do and i KNOW i cant do it alone — thats part of the problem#but i know something has to happen. i know this with the certainty and clarity i had that i had to escape before#and hey! i did that!#but the problem is. crucially. i cannot. do. it. alone. which! well what else do i do?#the lights are on. its all so clear#like even. all my PATTERNS for fucks sake man the times ive seemed to be doing better. .....#summer 2021.? summer 2022? even that brief interim now. i see everything its all so clear.#i cannot do this alone. its not even about having needs met for a month knowing next month i wont#bc then i wont this month either bc i wont buy food or medicine or anything#like man this is insane ive been bleeding and in agony for two weeks bc i couldnt get a doctor to prescribe A MEDICINE YOU CAN GET OVE#THE COUNTER#i need support i need to stop being trapped in this constant like. i dont think anyone gets. the degree.#or how im living#holy fuck how I'm living is fucked up#NO WONDER I CANT GET ANYTHING DONE#but i was doing better for a bit#bc the emergency housing#that support.#but its like.#this isnt normal. okay.#like people arent supposed to exist how i am in a society#this is fucked up#got told today i seem to have more barriers than anyone. but thats bc how i am living is impossible and the fact i am still engaging like#that is a fucking testimony#i cant do this. it has to stop. this isnt right. the fact this has been my life for so long is fucked up#my standard is fr '#'not being actively abused'#what about basic needs.
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Took a walk out in the -10F (around -30F with windchill) and got so many whumpy ideas... frostbite and hypothermia my beloved.
#i can't recommend doing the same in good conscience#especially since lots of folks aren't used to this kind of cold#I have a lot of very expensive cold weather gear and live up north where this is normal#but I took my hand out of my glove for about 45 seconds to take some photos#and couldn't feel my fingers for about 30 minutes afterwards#the cold air burns your lungs and stings your skin#warming back up is like your body has been lit on fire#snow starts to squeak in this distinct way that's almost like styrofoam#everything is brighter and clearer#it's beautiful and terrifying and can be so painful#even pulling my face out of my scarf the first time just hurt! that first gasp of unfiltered air... phew#now imagine whumpee out there for a few minutes... or longer... permanent damage almost guaranteed#warming back up is an agony all of its own... but that's what whumpee wanted isn't it?#wah I'm so rambly rn
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....
#andddddd now my grandmother is actively dying#my coworker may be dead as well#like first of all I'm still stuck on the first death can we slow down?#fuck the only person i need or want in this moment is dead and i have to pretend that I'm not dead inside too#and i can't be i have to live for her honor her make her proud but god i am in agony#i think i always will be#and i still have to live anyway
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man if my childhood self knew someday i'd get mad over NOT being able to do chores.... she would not recognize me lmao
#chores were kinda torture for baby me cuz she didn't know how to do anything right#and cuz i was even more horrifically clumsy back then and even back then it took me way longer to do anything physical than other ppl#and i lived in a very chaotic home with lots of other kids and a very sick mom and there was just piles of stuff everywhere#it was v overwhelming and i had no idea how to start and like the idea of not having stuff on the floor was just unattainable then#now i have enough tricks and habits that i don't mind doing chores EXCEPT IT'S AGONY PHYSICALLY >.<#and clean spaces FEEL attainable now in a way they never did in my childhood but they're NOT and that's infuriating#bc if i was just a little less impaired physically they WOULD be like i'm begging just two hours a week of able bodiedness please#negative cw#updates on my boring life#god it would be so satisfying to end every day or even every week or month with a completely clean home#and a clean self
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just checked the word doc which has my draft of the shrewsbury wound-john bradmore sequence, thinking it was around 10k long. it's actually 19,242 words long. double what i thought it was. holy crap.
#text posts#the henry v novels#literally just goes from hal waking up immediately post-shrewsbury to hal waking up immediately post-operation#and the start of a timeskip to his 17th birthday#(i kinda want to revise it to put in stuff from what i learnt about facial injuries in wwi caused by shrapnel and add in two more joans)#(joan of navarre and joan waryn hal's nurse - joan fitzalan is already there)#reread it recently and thought about how the alternate povs of it would be SO UPSETTING#hal's pov is somewhat kind to the reader because he's pretty out of it#he's either out of it with rudimentary medieval painkillers and anaesthesia or off his face with pain.#there's still emotional shit there but it's filtered through the physical pain and the 'drugs'#everyone else is dealing with the emotional shitshow of seeing someone you love in absolute fucking agony begging to die#while fearing he's going to die and having their own traumas#(i.e. joan fitzalan watching the grandchild that most resembles her dead daughter almost die)#(i.e. edward/aumerle has a brief appearance and you know he's Fucked Up because of losing richard ii and now he's losing hal)#(i.e. richard courtenay is basically 'i will stay here and love him as he dies if he dies' and witnesses every. fucking. thing.)#(i.e. joanne waryn is there and remembering him as a little baby she helped raise.)#(i.e. humphrey is Just A Kid trying to be strong for his big brother and making everything worse for bradmore)#(i.e. scrope can't cope and has to live with the guilt of that and oldcastle is overwrought and causing problems)#(i.e. bradmore is like 'i can see you're in desperate need of a dad. hello desperate need i'm dad.#also. i think your grandma might kill me if you die. so. don't ok?)#(i.e. joan of navarre is meeting her new husband's son for the first time and hoping he doesn't die.)#and hal's just. largely oblivious to all this.
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"why are you repressed and constantly distracting yourself?" well, as i am continuing to learn, everything hurts! hope this helps <3
#just like. trying to pay more attention to the sensations i feel on a day to day basis. bc ermmm my dr was like hm seems like u might have#fibromyalgia! yeah lemme do a little test. does this hurt? yes? well it's definitely not supposed to...and now i'm like. recontextualizing#everything and being like. oh my godddd this is all ouchie! all the time! y'all don't live like this!? ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH#personal log#and ofc this goes for like. mental agonies as well y'know how it is
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i did so much work on setting up my bedroom yesterday and it’s FINALLY feeling Mine. it feels so good
#my room is small the closet is small and it didn't come with any rod or shelving or anything#so i had to buy one and set it up myself but the studs were misaligned by like five inches#but i got it and i put away all my shoes and set up my dresser and organized my jewelry and perfume and plants and set up my power strip#and dug out my favorite quilt and got rid of a bunch of clothes and makeup i didn't use and i ordered a bedframe#i'm gonna have an 8.5x11-foot palace. OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#next up i need to hang one of my wall-mounted dark wood shelves but i already marked out the studs so it's gonna be super easy <3#but the hanging hardware is at the bottom of a crate that's full of books... so i guess actually the next thing is get a bookshelf :/#it won't fit in here we're gonna get a big one for all of us and keep it in the living room#i gotta fertilize my plants too#my little vanity zone looks so fucking good i can't get over it.#i gotta hang up my art next#at my old place there were no wall light switches there were only pull-cords but i have this adorable little lightswitch plate from my#aunt's childhood room it's got a semi-abstract sun in red and ochre and tan and red it's sooo pretty and i got that mounted as well <3#fucking insane that two months ago i was crying hourly in agony about my former relationship and now spring is around the corner and i'm#making this cute-ass space my own and i have a new love ugh life is so good sometimes
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IT’S DONE. IT’S DONE DAMN IT. [DISTRESSED KAZOO] Shaking, crying, swearing about my feelings, etc, etc.
you are my ddaaadd, you’re my dad!! boogie woogie woogie woogie!!! don’t look at me i’m trying to cope
I’m sorry it’s 2am I’m SO emotionally compromised I love him I love this man why agent hurt so good (beloved, don’t change), anyway, appreciation post for the two (2) whole authority figures in his entire life Tyr ever marginally respected and extra props to them for pulling off ‘major respect’ status (okay, the bar was LOW maybe but. still. its not just bc of that that they cleared by such a margin) and also I’m taking massive persistent damage don’t TALK to me about IA/Watcher Two I’m FINE i’m tOTALLY FIne and. there’s something in my eyes. It’s fine it’s fine everything is fine.
also i didn’t catch it because i was too busy LAUGHING but i brought kaliyo this time and heR COMMENT AFTER HE TALKS TO ARDUN Klnfla;dsnflkasdnflk;sadnfl “if you two are done making out” kALIYO PLEASE I love these dumb bitches so much your honor, the IA crew is just a collective train wreck they’re all doing the action slide gun pose together that’s the collective team brain cell somewhere between james bond theme and pink panther
[inhales] anyway if you haven’t played imperial agent and you’re following me i am propaganda’ing you into experiencing my absolutely unbiasedly favorite swtor class [i’m biased. but it’s also really good.]
send tweet and all that jazz
#dot's live agent replay#imperial agent#ch: tyr#dot plays the star war#swtor#if you're wondering if this will finally make me normal again the answer is probably no bc it is always tyr imperialagent hours in my brain#also the sarcasm dripping off of 'safe hands right' aksfnlsadfnd#tyr loses impintel and all capacity to give a FUCK about appearances in front of the minister given everything#he's smart he'd figure his feelings out anyway#out of the teen conspiracy era into the 'that was fucked' 20s i say even though tyr's closer to 30 as of this#wow okay now we're putting lore in the tags it's that kinda 2 am#uhh... anyway#i'm sorry not sorry for putting you all through this with me this man is in my brain like nothing else#not elaborated on: the mild regret yet resolve that he lies blatantly to the minister bc srry he doesn't trust the empire for shit anymore#'rogue agent' pulls the rug out from under him even though he tells the team it won't change anything#also literally wHY do i not get to say goodbye to my bestie my gf where is my keeper#where is my snuck in personal goodbye maybe i'll just have to make that real too#but also the slight flavor of agony of never saying goodbye y'know#like properly the holos don't do everything he feels and thinks about her justice#missed her he did he just wants the old guard back nostalgia's a bitch etc etc#god he's just. pets him. i'm sorry buddy#also if you read all of this hi wow uhh... thanks#this is where i stop before it becomes too weird though
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guys i'm gonna be honest. about two things. 1. playing super mario bros on the switch pisses me off 2. i have literally no idea how i'll write 10 pages on moral development by jan 2
#i played mario SOOO much on the ds and the 3ds and i CAN'T DO THIS ONE? killing myself#and‚ i have time‚ i'm not doing anything until january except for meeting up with friends a few times#but it's like. tomorrow is the family get-together‚ the day after in the other family get-together#i won't feel like writing when i know i'm gonna hand out with friends and i'll definitely do jack shit around new year's eve.#so that leaves a few days! lol#i am very scared. very scared#*HANG out. whatever . . correct it with your minds#as i was saying i'm super scared. am i even capable of staying coherent for 10 pages??#i'll fail this course :(( and then the others where you have to do research and write papers :( and then they'll kick me out#and everyone will know i was a fucking moron all along......... i could've avoided this by not applying to uni in the first place#but i didn't think that far ahead. and now i live in agony and i'm fucked#so yeah! if anyone knows how to write decent research essays hit me up. i'm not doing so well.#kata.txt
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Bad. I hate it
#please feel free to ignore this#I'm watching Hotel Del Luna#She dies in agony and doesn't even get to get her revenge on the last guy#I see now why Jang Man-wol was willing to try and rehabilitate her (or at least house her at the hotel for so long)#Everything makes sense in retrospect in such an excruciating way:#Why she lived in the closet and never let humans see her and gouged out the eyes of all the men she went after#I wish the other Mago had gotten there first ):
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