#i'm just. struggling to understand
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i. struggle to believe that hot blonde blue-eyed men exist in real life. at least personally i have never caught sight of one outside of a screen
#WOMEN on the other hand#that's a different story#inspired by#laurent#laurent of vere#love you bby#but there is no one doing it like you in real life#ok but also i've see one (1) fanart where i thought he was canonically beautiful which MEANS that it's just. hard. to formulate a hot#blond blue-eyed man. like - what does that look like.#especially a ghost white one like laurent#like i love him#i'm just. struggling to understand#non intellego#mihi non facile est intellegere
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Look what we've become.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#Initially I wanted to do a 'Mutiny' quote to follow the 'Luck runs out' quote.#But the musical earworms demanded a different blood to be drawn. And I think it works just as well.#Alright. It's time to confess something. I really struggled with this comic. I didn't want to draw it. Then I didn't want to upload it.#Because I knew I would be here in the tags writing and backspacing for hours trying to articulate my thoughts.#I'm going to talk about death and grief in the tags today so this is your WARNING to look away if you aren't in a headspace for it.#Sometimes in media there are scenes and characters which land on topics so specific to your wounds that it reopens them all over again.#Because here's the truth. When you've known someone like this for nearly your whole life...it doesn't matter how bad the fight is.#You always think 'We'll always have time. One day this dust will settle and we'll rebuild the bridge.'#And then the fucker dies!!! He dies and suddenly there will never ever be time to repair the rift.#Someone you loved died thinking you hated them. And part of you did just a bit. But love and hate aren't mutually exclusive.#He's fucking dead and you are left with so many broken and unfinished pieces between the two of you.#Jiang Cheng loses Wei Wuxian thinking that WWX thought they hated each other.#He's a younger brother who will one day be older than the person he lost.#Who has no one else in the world who understands those feelings of love and hate and grief.#I can't be normal about this character. I don't think he even heals me. Zero catharsis to be gained here.#I just look at his sour grape ass and think 'shit that's a little too close to home.' JC is my discomfort character.#I'm probably going to regret being this vulnerable in the tags in like. An hour. So. sorry if you see this once and never again.#EDIT: Yeah sorry this took 4 hours to muster the courage to post. Surprise update!#EDIT 2: You guys were being too nice to me on my sad comic to point out the spelling error. I have fixed it now B'*)
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Listen to me Suzanne Collins did not have to give Katniss and Peeta a history before the games. She did NOT have to do that. She could have just had their story begin when Peeta's name was called. She could have had them be total strangers until the moment of the reaping.
Like: "And the boy tribute is... Peeta Mellark!" Katniss: Who's that? Or she could have made them vaguely familiar with each other! Peeta's name is called and Katniss just thinks, Oh, I know that name! He's in my class, actually. Poor boy... Anyway!
Either way, SC could have written the rest of the story exactly the same! I think many authors would have done that! Because if Peeta's purpose in the book was to be Gale's competition, to be one of the 3 corners of a love triangle, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY TO DO IT!! But that's NOT how she did it because that's NOT what Peeta is.
And what is he? To Katniss, Peeta's someone who saved her and her family and received nothing in return except a beating. Peeta's someone she has had her eye on but has never worked up the courage to talk to. Peeta's someone she associates with kindness and hope. And all this before the start of the events of the book! Just because WE, the READERS, met Gale before Peeta and immediately felt a connection with him does NOT mean that was Katniss's experience! And that's what SC is trying to tell us!
To dismiss Katniss and Peeta's past as unimportant or inconsequential compared to whatever Katniss and Gale have in the present is to fundamentally misunderstand Katniss as a character and, as a result, condemn oneself to never fully understand the choices she makes in the future.
Suzanne Collins wrote it that way on purpose because she had something to say. And no one will ever be able to convince me that something wasn't "It was always going to be Peeta".
#thg#everlark#peeta mellark#katniss everdeen#the hunger games#sorry i hope this one's not too harsh#i just has to let it out lol#I'm not saying people only like gale because they misunderstand SC's writing#obviously everyone has preferences and that's great snd normal#but SC wrote Katniss to have preferences too?#and those preferences are pretty subtle at times I'll admit#but sometimes they're so glaringly obvious#i struggle to empathize with people who don't understand these books and honestly that's a me problem#but it really is difficult when people seem to hate Katniss because she didn't make THEIR choices#okay rant over
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on the one hand I think inner demons could stand to have a bit more romanced rook specific content, but on the other hand the underlying in-built implication that 'yours is the one true voice of comfort and safety in my inner world' is a sentiment and intimacy so way beyond the romantic or the platonic or any secret third thing you could care to name that it makes me lose my entire poor little mind a bit. it's so big and fundamental — near-existential — that in that exact moment at least the distinctions kind of seem irrelevant.
all the people lucanis' mind conjures up along the way are relationships he has that are unavoidably mixed and fraught in some ways even when they're also full of love (they are fraught BECAUSE they're full of love) — the good in them inseparable from things that hurt him at the same time. (it's about: the basic disorganized attachment patterns this poor guy is dragging around with him. careful with those, they're dellamorte heirlooms. what you love also inevitably hurts you and you won't be allowed to have one without the other, you have to surrender parts of your soul to hold on to what little you have left: this is the story up until now.) and the idea that rook isn't that to him — that beneath the fear of wanting them when romanced (which is more its own separate thing because within this psychology, actively wanting something and not just clinging on for dear life to even a meager status quo lest you lose it is in itself dangerous bordering on catastrophic), this is a relationship where there isn't resentment, or guilt, or shame, or dread, or rage, or self-hate, or any of the other emotions that keep him paralyzed, unable to move this way or that. no debts, nothing owed of yourself and your soul's substance except what you can freely and safely and happily give. love and freedom don't coexist — but, I mean, you're almost starting to make me think........... unless...👀👀👀. the unconditional and undramatic 'you are here and I am here with you, you can be exactly how you are right now with me and it's safe for us both even though you're afraid it won't be, I'm not going anywhere' acceptance rook shows him here that he returns to them in the big romance scene, when it's rook who needs it. the way he's just. standing there in the center of it all, like a child desperately helplessly waiting to be found, hiding in the place he hopes you'll know to look first. (rook does know. it's one of the first things they say in there.)
in short the most important room in his little mind palace for the romance is the very first room — the one where rook isn't. where, in fact, rook cannot be, because they disprove the entire structure of the place with their existence and presence in his life. with everyone else he's putting words in their mouths about what they think of him, and rook is the one who actually gets to come in to speak their own words to him — and have him listen. ('he'll listen to you, he always listens to you', 'your voice is a comfort'.) of course rook isn't present anywhere else in there — at the risk of stating the obvious to a tedious degree, they aren't one of the locks, they're bringing the key. in the very finest 'the messenger and the message' sort of way.
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#dragon age meta#rook is his first brush with actual safe attachment. and to me and because of who I am as a person#nothing could be more romantically devastating or impactful fhdsjkfhs that's literally the unreachable wistful dream the pie in the sky#the garrus romance echoes too. some of the same stuff going on under the hood here#you know who else he's sneakily like too actually? iron bull. the 'no matter where I turn I'll hurt someone I love' and dissociation stuff#there's that whole line about 'walking close to the edge or whatever'#which is masterful as a diversion b/c what this romance is really about is feeling truly safe with someone#in a sort of weirdly realistic way that makes it struggle with the conventions of video game romance but sure is Doing something!#and I unwittingly made a rook who also is on that specific arc so it's working out just devastating for me thanks for asking#the part in andrea gibson's 'prism' that's like. there is no shelter in the womb it's where you learn the cord that feeds you#could at any moment wrap around your neck. I think that's the initial understanding of love here. which is not good. if you think about it.#I don't think I really write these kinds of posts btw I just black out for a while and when I wake up from the trance I too#get to read what the fuck I've been thinking about finally. corralling that raging electric storm#that keeps overtaking my neurons at regular intervals and translating it into if not sense then certainly words. lots of words#no one is ever more surprised than me to find out what i'm thinking and feeling
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yknow what. I wanna say: CSA and COCSA survivors are all incredible, but I also wanna give a shout out to ppl who were exposed to sexual stuff or had any kind of sexual experience as a kid that they either aren't comfortable labelling as or don't consider abuse, but they know it still fucking sucked and shouldnt have happened. Even if that changes later in life and you identify as a victim/surivor, it can be messy to have to imagine those labels applying to the ppl in ur life and that can take time.
The most important thing is to prioritize your recovery + health, and to support other victims + survivors.
#COCSA ment#CSA ment#This is like. V personal and venting (maybe over sharing)#It's. I'm going to be honest recent discussion really brought this back into my brain aaughhh. Not in a bad way necessarily#Just. I know I've had experiences that I think others might label this way and I struggle to really understand that#Beyond the gut feeling of ''it doesnt count'' there's the understand that I might be denying it bc of shame or even just. The fact I have#An internal definition of it that excludes myself. And that I don't want to imagine the other ppl as 'abusive' and I don't think they had#The intent to hurt me. And the fact in one situation I know none of us understood boundaries or consent bc we didn't#Actually talk with adults about what like. Sex and sexuality meant so all out fucking context was porn. And just idk#I have specific experiences but those Memorable Incidents were just part of a larger pattern of me learning Abt sex young#And then failing to get proper sex ed for years. And the internet. And the Fucking Internet#(fanfic is like. Anti sex ed. 70% just the fucking worst shit to internalize 30% ''hey this is actually Okay'')#Sex Ed... Like in school... Needs a fucking HEAVY overhaul but it's still better than nothing usually
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If My Body Could Speak, Blythe Baird | The Godfather, Mario Puzo | My Father's House, Sylvia Fraser | To The Daughter Who Secretly Longs For Her Mother’s Affection, Lynne Shako | Storms from Jupiter, Wanda Deglane | DO NOT REPLY, @filmnoirsbian
#connie corleone#carmela corleone#the godfather#web weaving#this is...quite negative towards carmela i guess#so i just want to make it clear that i actually really love her as a character and i actually can understand how she became who she was#she was a woman born in the late 19th century raised not just in a patriarchal society but a CATHOLIC patriarchal society#who therefore grew up learning that she was primarly defined by her relationship to her husband and her capacity to be a 'good wife'#so i totally understand why she would take some type of sick pride in knowing that her husband never 'had' to hit her#but like...that entire part of the book was legit hard to read and Carmela was really not that much better than Vito there#so it's kinda hard for me not side eyed the shit out of her when she blame Connie for being a neglectful mom#like geez Carmela I wonder why your daugther might be struggling I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything you did or refused to do...#i'll say that she did end up being concerned for Connie and trying to help so she definitely deserves some points here#unlike Vito's dumbass who was just like 'it really hurts me to know that my daughter is being hit all the time but i can't do anything :('#'I'll tell her it's all her fault and that she deserves to be hit that will surely help somehow'#Vito really spent the entirety of this book being like 'nothing and I mean NOTHING matters more than blood (conditions very much applies)'#domestic violence mention
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I've been with [Joe] for a long time now and I ain't never seen him fall off, feel sluggish about himself you know? I don't know if he does but I always pick him up too, doesn't matter if he's seeing it or not, I'm picking him up, he's picking me up...
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#FASCINATED by the 'doesn't matter if he's seeing it or not' statement here#does he mean it doesn't matter if joe is actually feeling down on himself or not?#ja'marr will always be around to pick him up just in case he does?#(which goes back to a lovely conversation i had with annie about how much ja'marr may or may not really understand joe!)#like ja'marr is always observing joe and trying to take care of him. and there are moments where he's like#'yeah he probably needs picking up now! but who knows! i'll do it anyway!'#(and he's probably right!)#OR does he mean 'doesn't matter if he is noticing my efforts of trying to take care of him'#'i'm taking care of him for his sake and i don't care if he notices'#which also makes me feel MANY things#and then of course stating that joe is always picking him up too <3 <3#joe may not be the easiest to read but he's reading everyone else#especially ja'marr#and he knows ja'marr's been struggling and he's been there for him too!#(which is why he was the FIRST to get to ja'marr last sunday during the Incident. no one else even tried!)#anyway! boy oh boy lot's of feelings about this#also the automatic agreement of 'he's an interestingly intense cat' lmao#ja'marr chase#joe burrow#joe'marr
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Is my autistic awkward girl swag appealing to you
#I promise I'm really silly and deeply caring I just struggle with understanding some social signals and such#which makes me nervous because I want to make a good impression and not hurt people#but I prommy when I am fully comfortable around you I am just the happiest and most caring girl of all time
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WE'RE IN THE SINGLE DIGITS RANGE NOW, Y'ALL. NINE DAYS. HOW ARE WE FEELING 😀😀😀
#OFMD#OFMD Season 2#Our Flag Means Death#ofmdsource#ofmdedit#ofmd gifs#ofmdblog#ofmddaily#Lucius Spriggs#Izzy Hands#Edit#I AM JUST#Like I'm beside myself quite honestly lmao#I can't comprehend it at all#I've been struggling to do so ever since things started EXPONENTIALLY ZOOMING OFF#and shh listen shhhshshshsshshshh#i understand that i'm a clown okay#i understand that i was being horsey about it like two months ago#and now i'm over here panicking over it coming out in just nine days#but listen#l i s t e n#the first step is self-awareness okay HSDJKSL
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heyyy shoutout to the selfshippers who struggle with feeling lovey-dovey about their f/o(s).
maybe you don't think about them very often. maybe you can't imagine being affectionate with them. maybe you don't gush about them, or you find it hard to articulate how you feel about them. maybe you're not very active on your selfship blog, or maybe you don't have one in the first place. maybe you're neurodivergent or somewhere on the ace spectrum. maybe you're just independent.
for any reason at all, your f/o(s) would understand.
they know that affection is only one aspect of the feeling of love, and they would never assume that you "don't actually love" them just because you're less dependent on them. they would try to understand how you express your love in your own unique way, and they would give you all the space you need without crossing your boundaries or forcing anything on you. they would be patient and work with you to make sure both of your needs are met.
(pro/comship please do not interact.)
#self ship#self shipping#self ship positivity#selfship community#selfship#f/o#f/o imagines#i wonder if this even makes sense#idk. ever since i started taking new meds i've been struggling with feeling any attachment towards my f/o#which sounds BAD but it hasn't impacted any of my irl relationships and i think coming back to this community has helped#i think my whole romance drive has tanked. which is unfortunate :(#but i think she'd understand question mark? i dunno i'm just tryin to feel something i guess#oh and also#safeshipping#safeship community#i may be ace
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I hate that this is genuinely something I'm writing rn, but nothing has more RATTLED my faith in the writing team's ability to write a Zane story then him calliNG ARIN CRINGE-
#I'm still not over it#And I never will be 😭#It's just-#I'm sorry#But it reeks of a complete lack of understanding regarding a character on the most fundamental level#You are FUCKING WITH ME if you say Zane would genuinely say that to a teenager struggling with so much stuff at the moment#Especially because he was in Arin's position once when he first joined the ninja#Arguably an even worse position because he had no past to remember#It's just#*so* frustrating hearing HIM of all characters mutter that word#And ESPECIALLY in relation to ARIN of all people#If he'd said that about someone like Jay or Cole or anyone on the team frankly#I would've found it fucking incredible and possibly the funniest thing he'd done/said at that point#But NOT the young teenager struggling with his best friend (or family as he says) lying to him and hiding it from him#Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest otherwise I would've exploded#Weekly Zane Julien writing Hate Session number 73 lmao#ninjago#zane julien#zane ninjago#Image is from Quest for the Lost Powers#Aka ACTUAL good charachterisation of Zane and an amazing story for him 💀
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There's something about reading really great writing that's so relaxing. You can just sit back and let the words wash over you, knowing that you can trust the writer.
#random thought of the day#books#part of the reason i'm not getting writing done today was because i spent most of my free time reading from books i've let sit for too long#i haven't been able to sink into good fiction for a while#so elizabeth goudge felt like a spiritual experience#cleansing and uplifting#it always takes me a while to get into her books#there's a learning curve of a couple of chapters to adjust to the style#but once i break through it's bliss#it becomes easy as breathing#there's nothing quite like what she does#i love books that understand that goodness isn't boring or trite#you don't need to have 'darkness' and 'grit' to be complex#like one bit that took my breath away was the talk about sallie and david's marriage struggles#they're both good people who love each other#but they also have their differences because they're human and that causes struggles#not marriage-breaking struggles just nuanced life struggles#and i'm not sure i've seen something like that in a book before#it's a good marriage they married the right people but that doesn't mean life is perfect#goudge uderstands that marriage isn't happily ever after--heaven is#and a good marriage is two people partnering up to help each other reach that goal#it's so much more adult than any 'complex adult' work i've seen
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Hi! Your Hollow Knight AU has really cheered me up so I wanted to do a little drawing for it! This got me to get my art tablet out after months of not feeling like it so thank you for the inspiration! I hope the colors look good on any monitor that's not mine sdfsdf
Bugs In the Jingshi wyd?
I am so genuinely awestruck at how well you translated this AU to the hollow knight style! Also obsessed with the height difference.
#mdzs au#hollow knight#lan wangji#wei wuxian#fanart#Thank you so much for this B'*)#This is *so* incredible!! I feel incredibly honoured to have inspired something so beautiful!#I showed this asap to my friend who's been letting me observe their hollow knight playthrough and oh man oh man. The hype was real.#The colours have the Hollow Knight gloomy swag and the way that this looks like it could be an area in the game is soooooo good.#Thinking about the bug sounds they would make.....Peace and love on earth could be achieved with lwj hollowspeak....#I hope you keep finding fun things to draw!! Your art has continuously brought a lot of joy!#I very much understand the pain and struggle of having a craft you just...cant seem to get your heart back into.#Sending you so much love and energy and artistic inspiration!!!!#(lwj has the wrong eye shape b/c I was too focused on getting the silly angle for dramatic perspective. whoops)#I have honestly loved doing this AU and I'm fiercely happy that its been resonating with people (as it makes me want to do more hehe)
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lately, i've seen more people in the online autistic community acknowledging the struggles of people with higher support needs, which is of course an important development. but for some, that seems to come with the implicit assumption that low needs autistics "have it easy" or experience no stigma at all, which is just wrong??? people with low support needs are still disabled by their autism and still face discrimination because of it. sure, they are impaired to a lesser degree than those with higher support needs, but that doesn't mean you can just erase their struggles, y'know?
#sometimes i see posts that are like 'its unfair to say that autistic people have it easy and arent really disabled...' and go yes! exactly!#but then they'll continue like '...because not all autistic people have low support needs'#and i'm like. okay nevermind you dont understand this at all#i have comparatively mild autism (was diagnosed with aspergers back when that was still a thing)#and my autism has still significantly impacted and impaired my life#i think its important to acknowledge the huge range of experiences in the autistic community#and that many others have struggled much more than me#but that doesnt mean its all easy breezy for me and other lsn autistics yknow?#(i guess i would technically be considered medium support needs or something but that's because of my chronic illness not my autism)#i wish people would just. like. listen to other peoples experiences before just assuming that they know everything about their lives#ofc a huge part of this is also some lsn autistics distancing themselves from hsn people and pretending that they're not actually disabled#but not every lsn autistic is like that. and even the ones that are are usually (consciously or unconsciously) downplaying their symptoms#autism#actually autistic#actuallyautistic#this isn't really about the post i just reblogged btw it just reminded me of it#because some of the notes on it went in that direction
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"I want art to be my job but I can't make art if I feel like I have to"
My brother in christ you are either gonna have to work on that big time or you won't be able to make a living through art, that's just how it is.
(sometimes i talk to people who dream of making a living as artists and they are like grown adults and they still think it's going to be some ideal job where they just do whatever they feel like and get paid to have fun forever and I'm like, this couldn't be further from the truth. You have to love the making of art enough to be able to do it a LOT. And that's something you can work on if it doesn't happen by itself. If you absolutely can't force yourself, or if it's making you miserable to force yourself to draw, an art job isn't for you.)
#a conversation i had with someone recently#been thinking about it for the past 2 days#i wish i had been more straightforward with them#i tried kinda giving them tips to work around that but this is the reality#or they told me how they struggled with a piece for a whole day and then that was a huge deal#so they gave up on it because they had to chill#and they were like 'how do you draw that many hours per day'#i have the itch and also it's my job and also I want to make stuff and improve#i don't understand the whole 'i can't do it if i feel like I'm forcing myself'#you have to force yourself to do so many things in this life#idk i just needed to get this off my chest i feel bad for not being a little harsher for once i think it might've helped
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btw i really really hope that janus's current characterization, with the wine and sass, is just there for the more light-hearted episodes, and that thomas hasn't forgotten the nuance behind his character.
#i do not want to pressure thomas or tell him how to play his own character#but i think with joan's absence they're clearly struggling to accurately portray some of the sides#joan was a huge part of their characterization and writing#i think that's the main reason for a lot of the changes in the recent tss videos#i can understand that their absence can be a bit daunting#i'm okay with it in the more jokish episodes like„ whatever#i'm not super happy about it but also the other sides also tend to be a bit stereotyped when the episodes aren't that deep#but i REALLY hope they go back to svs era janus because that was peak#and it's not like the current characterization is character development or anything#it's just.. fanservice honestly#i feel like part of the reason could be the overwhelming amount of pressure that thomas has been recieving from the fandom#*side eye to THAT part of the fandom*#but i really hope they actually do some good writing for janus in the future episodes#and not rely too much on the writers room and headcanons#anyway this has been my rant#sanders sides#thomas sanders#tss#sasi#thomas sanders sides#janus sanders#sanders sides critical
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