#i'm just realising it was almost exactly a YEAR ago that i started writing here comes the sun

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

helloo!! i just wanted to say, i finished the here comes the sun fic and wow. i’m absolutely blown away it was so beautiful. i’m sure you get this a lot but i just adore the way you write, especially with alex. i feel like you portray him in a way that feels a lot like him, which i feel can be hard to do. the bunk scene at the end left me gasping for air i swear. oh my god. thank you for your services and have the most loveliest day.

oh wow, this is so so lovely i don't even know what to say 🥺 writing that fic brought me so much joy, so to hear that reading it brought you joy too is just... the best feeling a writer could ask for ✨

it means particularly much to hear that you enjoyed my portrayal of alex - i find him such a fascinating person to write, but i'm also very aware that his complexity makes capturing him in a realistically quite a challenge! so it makes me happier than i can say to hear that the way i wrote him felt authentic to you 💗

ahhhhhhh. i really can't tell you how much it means when lovely people like you take time out of their day to come and talk to me about my fics 🥺 thank you so so much, this was such a wonderful little gift in my ask box 💜 wishing you all the best vibes for a wonderful day today ✨💫✨💫

[cantwritethetword]

(2024) TickleTober Day 1: Harvest - Going against the Grain

Fic Descript - Bruce agrees to help out on the Kent farm and, after an off-handed comment from Clark, he decides to see how ticklish superman actually is.

~A/N  - Welcome to ticklecrowber2024!!!! (forgive the corny title hehehehehe)

We're starting off this month with a super cute superbat fic requested by an anon. While writing it I'm realising this is gonna be a pre-relationship romantic fic, so hopefully that floats your boat.

Like I mentioned on a post ages ago, I'm not aiming to write full fics for all the prompts this year to hopefully avoid burnout so I'm going into this aiming for a few hundred words - we'll see how that goes.

Hope you like it!

- Enoy! ~

Tag List: @fullsongphilosopher

Masterpost Link 

TickleTober Masterpost

One of the (few) things Bruce hated about being in love with someone was the way it made him do things.

And not in a suggestive or psychological way, literally he felt compelled to gain some sort of relationship 'brownie points' to subtly prove his worth as a potential partner.

Which was how he had ended up here, about to knock on the door of Clark's farm home.

When superman mentioned needing to do some hard labour around the fields up in Kansas, Bruce found himself offering to help before he could even blink. It wasn't until Clark enthusiastically accepted that the batman fully realised what he had gotten himself into.

Mixing their work and personal lives? At Clark's house no less? Doing something that probably was effortless for Clark, but would be a significant physical strain for Bruce? What was he thinking?! He'll look like a fool...

But, as much as his brain loved to insist on how much of a bad idea this was, Bruce had resisted the temptation to cancel.

And so, he now found himself raising his fist and tapping the wooden door-frame.

"Bruce!" Clark grinned, opening the door fully.

The man was dressed so stereotypically farm-y, Bruce thought to himself. Brown leather boots half-covered by a pair of old denim jeans, topped with a plain white tee and - god he looked good in that red flannel...

"-are you... did you want to come in?" Clark chuckled.

Shit, had Clark invited him in already? Was he that distracted by the superhero in front of him that he fully disregarded any input other than the sight- wait it's happening again-

"Yes!" Bruce blurted out, interrupting his own thoughts. "Sorry, yes. Thanks."

Ugh love made him a mess.

As Clark narrated and explained his way through his humble abode, Bruce couldn't help but get stuck in his own head - again. He barely registered that they had left the house and were now walking through the wheat fields. He knew Clark was giving some really important information as to what exactly they needed to do and where they would need to do it, but it was almost as if his brain was more focused on the sound of Clark's voice than what it was actually saying.

Until Clark giggled.

Like a gunshot, Bruce locked onto the sound with unbridled curiosity. What had caused it? Would it happen again? Whatever it was clearly didn't phase Clark, as he was back to talking about whatever farmyard jargon that was interrupted earlier.

A few more moments passed, and Bruce had never been more focused on Clark's surroundings. What could possibly have made superman laugh like that? And how common of an occurrence was it if Clark didn't even acknowledged it?

Thankfully, it happened again - with Bruce watching the whole thing.

As Clark walked, a few stray spikes of wheat brushed against his bare lower forearms (where he had rolled up the aforementioned flannel). His hand twitched reflexively, and he once again let out a soft giggle at the sensation.

And, once again. Bruce's mouth moved before his brain could catch up.

"What was that?"

Clark half-turned his torso to face Bruce. "Oh, it just tickles."

Bruce flushed at the casualness of Clark's response.

"It's actually one of my favourite parts of walking through here..." Clark continued with a genuine smile. "Something so small being so intense, makes me feel soft.... alive... human..."

Only Clark could make getting tickled by a plant sound so endearing, it was almost enough to make Bruce forget the huge tidbit of Clark lore that had just been revealed to him.

Superman's ticklish??

He didn't have much time to feel the full shock of that information, as Clark was already several paces ahead of him. Bruce half-skipped to catch up, and as he did, something in his mind convinced him to snap off a piece of wheat from beside him.

As they continued their walk towards the edge of the field where they were about to begin work, and Clark continued yapping, Bruce ran his fingers over the wheat piece in his hand. Was he seriously about to try to tickle superman? Would Clark be alright with it? Would he find it weird and repulsive and never speak to Bruce again cause how could he possibly think that was a normal thing to-

stop - Bruce interrupted himself.

no overthinking

Bruce took a breath, slightly sped up his footsteps to bring himself right behind Clark, and ran the wheat stalk along the side of Clark's neck.

Clark folded with a shriek and a giggle, his smile never fading as he gave Bruce a quizzical look.

That smile was all the invitation Batman needed.

With a smirk, Bruce tackled Clark into the wheat next to them and climbed on top of his chest before frantically twiddling the wheat stem against any potentially ticklish bare skin he could find. Clark's neck, ears, collarbones - even the small patch on his tummy that was exposed from his shirt riding up as they fell - nothing was safe.

And Clark's laughter was like birdsong - it was the most free, happy, genuine giggling Bruce had ever heard. So much so, the billionaire opted to snatch another piece of wheat to use in his free hand against Clark's forearms - which were currently doing fuck-all to fight against the tickly attacks (aside from clinging to and breaking some nearby wheat stems, but Bruce theorised that was mostly for Clark to resist fighting back... cute).

After a sufficient tickling, Bruce paused - mentally checking for any signs of annoyance on Clark's face and letting the man calm down for a few moments.

"Why'd you stop?" Clark asked breathily without missing a beat, and now looking slightly disappointed.

Once again caught aback by Clark's openness, Bruce stuttered and floundered for an answer. "I... I was just... I wanted to... make sure... you..."

Clark laughed. "No need to panic, it was just a question."

Bruce chuckled, still a little embarrassed.

"You always worry so much." Superman smiled, poking Bruce's neck with one of the wheat stalks he had snatched during the tickle-attack to emphasise his point.

Bruce squeaked (though he would later insist this wasn't true), his face flushing a deep red.

"Oh?" Clark grinned menacingly, rolling himself and Bruce over to flip their positions with clearly little-to-no effort. "The dark, scary batman is ticklish too?"

oh god

And, after being thoroughly tickled, Bruce spent the entire time they worked on the farm trying to convince himself the look on his own face before Clark tickled him definitely wasn't nervous excitement, and that he definitely wouldn't give anything do it all again.

Definitely not.

[male-fictioner]

I Want You Back

Pairing: Yandere ex-bf Zac Efron x male reader

Category: Yandere

Warnings: stalking, possessive behavior, spying, manipulation, that's it ig

Word Count: 1.1k +

A/n: I had this sitting in my drafts for the longest of times, I finally had to write it. I'm not very good at writing yandere content, as I never have written in before. But I hope you like it.

You had met Zac a long time ago through some mutual friend. At that time you didn't know how things would end up. You and Zac quickly became friends and very close and soon you realised that you might have found someone you love. 

When Zac asked you out you couldn't have been happier. You were over the moon and had a perfect date. This was 4 years ago and within a while, you had made it official with each other. 

The relationship had been great for all the while you two dated. You did not have any complaints and he treated you like a prince and showered you with all the love and gifts. This is why he was so surprised when you broke up with him almost six months ago. 

That decision came when you felt very restricted and tired in the relationship. Don't get me wrong Zac is amazing but you needed to just be alone for a while and he didn't understand that.

Over the last few months, you felt guilty about breaking up with Zac after how well he treated you and loved you. And also because it seemed like the universe wanted you to get back together too. 

Everywhere you would go, you would be forced to remember Zac. Like when you saw this cute teddy bear near the stairs of your apartment complex. It was exactly like the one Zac had won for you at the Arcade for one of your dates. The resemblance was uncanny and made you wonder if it was that very same one. At first you thought maybe it's the effect of breaking up a relationship that lasted 4 years but after a while rather than missing him less, you started missing him more.

Every now and then, you were made to revisit a sweet memory you shared with Zac. This made you reconsider your decision. Made you doubt yourself. Made you think whether breaking up with Zac was the right thing to do. Did you make a huge mistake? Will Zac take you back?

You still weren't sure if you wanted to get back with him. So you ended up deciding to find a quick and easy rebound. Maybe this would help you move on.

Finding a rebound was not difficult at all. Guys nowadays want a quick and NSA fuck mostly. So you hooked up with a good looking guy you found on Grindr. 

This guy was so nice and sex with him was also amazing. After Zac you really hadn't been much physically or emotionally available for anyone and this was a welcome change in your life.

After you guys hooked up, this man asked you if you wanted to go out sometime. You really liked him so you agreed for the date. 

You and him texted back and forth for a couple of days. After careful consideration for both your schedules, you decided on a date, which was a week later. 

Imagine your shock when you showed up to the venue that was discussed, after dressing up nice and sexy, the man did not show up. Not only that, he did not respond to any of your texts, or pick up your call. After waiting almost an hour, you concluded that you had been ghosted. 

Feeling sad due to you getting stood up, you started going back home dejected. And you were standing face to face with the last person you had expected to see. 

“Y/n, what are you doing here?” Zac asked, feigning surprise.

“I could ask you the same thing,” you quipped not wanting to admit you were almost on a date.

“Well I was just passing by. But you look really nice. Very handsome. So naturally I'm curious.” He raised his arms to show that he did not mean to grill me or something. 

“I had a date, but he stood me up.” You admitted rather sheepishly remembering how Zac never made you wait. 

“He must be a fool to miss out on a date with you. I would give anything for that opportunity.” He replied earnestly. 

Seeing him and listening to his words made you feel more guilty. “I missed you,” you whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. All your thoughts and strength went away after realising how much you had missed your ex boyfriend after the break up.

“I miss you all the time,” he confessed. This made your heart melt a little. “Did you have dinner?” 

You just shook your head to indicate ‘no’. 

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” Zac asked, hopeful that you would say yes.

You just replied, “It's a date,” and dragged him along to the closest restaurant.

Over dinner, you discussed everything, including your reason for leaving him. Zac promised to make an effort to better understand your feelings and wants. You promised to let him know if it got too much so he can dial down a little. And with the help of clear and truthful communication, you both got back together.

Well truthful communication on your side at least. Because Zac had been keeping a secret from you that he was sure he would take it to his grave.

The secret was regarding how he got you. All those coincidences that led to this serendipitous moment, were no work of fate at all. They were all in the plot of the mastermind Zac Efron. 

You finding the teddy bear that looked exactly like the one you had from the arcade was because Zac kept it there. He had to go all around the town to find that exact teddy. He had memorised your schedule and positioned the teddy bear exactly in a place where you would spot him right away at the perfect time when you would be coming home from work. He also knew that you wouldn't be able to abandon such a cute teddy bear, you just would take it home with you. And what you could never know is that this seemingly harmless teddy bear was fitted with a camera and microphone by which Zac had been able to keep an eye on his darling and make sure he is safe. And if he needed to beat anyone up if you brought them home with you (which you didn't, making Zac believe that you still love him). 

The fact that he could jerk off to your naked body was just an added benefit. He could see all your actions and he did not believe it to be wrong because he was just taking care of you. 

Every time you would see something related to Zac, it was because he had planned it that way. And he was glad he did because he finally got to have you back.

Now that he had you, he planned to never let you go away from him. No matter how far he had to go.

Your feedback and comments are highly appreciated. Also my requests are open!!

[mimi-is-so-horny]

okay, so... you know how sometimes a day starts lovely, and then it goes to shit? and sometimes, you feel like you've done this to yourself? actually, you have done it to yourself. anyway.

i made a point to wake up early today to make Sir and Anna breakfast and to write them a note thanking them for fucking me so well yesterday, and for being pretty much the best thing in my life right now. i felt very grateful and i know i'm very lucky. i think they appreciated that, too.

i blew the candles on my birthday cake naked on Sir's lap - i've been 25 for a couple of days, and i usually hate my birthdays, but Anna insisted we should do the whole birthday thing properly. Sir wrote me a birthday card that almost moved me to tears. He groped my tits as i blew my candles.

for context, i used to want to enter academia in combination to committing to a totally different career path. what i'm doing right now isn't even my Plan C, so of course, i feel a bit like a failure. i'd written a chapter in a book that discussed some recent developments in my field and placed them in a behavioural/institutional context - the book was published this year, and the complimentary copy they sent to authors arrived on my birthday. i should be happy, right? but i feel so defeated, and so dumb, and like this is the first and last good thing i got to do before giving up on my aspirations completely. sure, i'll still apply to enter a more commercial side of my field next year, but that's still just more "sustainable", financially, and more difficult than i thought it would be. all this effort for something i won't really value or enjoy, yuck. and what if i fail, again? anyway. Mimi's whiny ass.

so Sir asked me to read my chapter, and i said yes, sure. He wanted to "see how i think". why not, right?

He fucked me yesterday, and this morning, and at noon, and it felt so good. and now He came to my room, to tell me He read my chapter, and while i felt vulnerable i tried to look cool asking Him what He thought of it.

and He showered me in compliments, and asked me why am i here, and not at a Big Prestigious University™ doing research? i told Him that's why i tried, and the Big Prestigious University™ didn't do shit for Mimi in a post-covid job market where she had to care for her family and couldn't work Prestigious Unpaid Internships™. and still, with no network or real mentors that cared more about guiding me than fucking me, or plagiarising me (lol), my options narrowed. and He knew that, so why was He asking me? and then He asked more questions, and i got increasingly angry and i cried and told Him to leave my room, please. well, at least He did.

so now i have to go downstairs and apologise for lashing out at Him for essentially caring. that was just me projecting - how mad i am at myself for failing, and for giving up, and and for being too lazy to try again - on Him. but i also don't want to do that, because i can only taste how i'm not working in the city i want, and how the people i work for are surprised when i can introduce better corrections than them, and how i am a grown woman that is already bitter about not being where she wanted to be. how i pretend to have given up, when in reality i'm still kind of grieving the people i thought i could be, and realising it can always get worse. am i making myself into a victim: poor-me, poor-me? or am i entitled to my anger and sadness? i don't know, and Sir knows something sad happened to me without my consent, a long while ago - so what if He sees me as a victim, too? am i really that stupid and that passive? what if i'm wasting His time, too?

i don't think i use kink as a coping mechanism or as a distraction; i'm just happy it's an area of my life i'm currently getting exactly what i want, exactly in my own terms and limits - i've rarely gotten that much respect and reciprocity in "vanilla world" - be it work, or education, or friendships. but that fact also makes me sad. why can't i have some of the things i want, sometimes? why was it "Rejection Letter"+"Your Flatmate Lost Your Cat And Now Won't Help Or Speak To You"+"Your Supervisor Wants To Fuck You And He's Angry Now!"+"Your Family Is Asking For Money, Again!!!", and not, like, slightly better? it's hard to feel empowered now. that sad six-year-old is here again, and she wants good stuff i don't know how to give, because i'm out of fucking candy (or, y'know, drugs. because i don't do that shit anymore).

anyway, that will be a difficult conversation. and i feel sorry for Him, for having to deal with me.

well, that was a very self-centred ramble by a fairly self-centred person, so i'm sorry if you read this? but also it was your choice to do so, meh. drink water, wear sunscreen.

[danthediamondminecart]

RBBTOBER DAY 13 - 14: ANGELS & DEMONS

Or: What if Tanqr made a different choice of ally in Season 3?

So like, I'm cheating in more than one way here. Firstly, the prompt says angels and demons, not angels and devils. Therefore, Pink and Tanqr still apply despite Tanqr not being a devil in my headcanons.

Secondly, the drabble for this prompt is an edited draft of a fic from...almost exactly a year ago, actually! I'd intended to write it into a full fic for Halloween, but then Nerdy Prudes Must Die came out and suddenly all I could think about what what eventually became Antithesis. I only got to the first 2 scenes. I'm super busy at the moment, so I decided to repurpose that draft to make the drabble, with some changes to give it an actual ending.

Said drabble under the cut!

Somewhere in the RB Battles universe, PinkLeaf is practising his parkour.

It’s tranquil here in the lobby, with no one else around. The hosts made a private server for the finalists to practise on, and he’s been getting as much use out of it as possible. Apparently he’s the only one of the finalists with a somewhat healthy sleep schedule, because it’s early morning, and no one’s here. He was under the impression that Kreek and Bella and Denis were also training a lot, so clearly they prefer to train late in the day.

He doesn’t mind that at all. It’s so much easier to focus when no one’s around, when no one’s yelling at him, when no one can disturb his thought process. Plus, he’d rather not have to talk to people in general. Instead all he can hear is the whistle of the wind flowing past him as he leaps through the air from building to building, getting ready to head into some minigames.

He heads back to the centre, not paying attention to anything around him, when a voice cuts through the silence.

“Morning, PinkLeaf. You’re up early.”

Pink turns to the direction of the sound to see Tanqr leaning up against a pillar near the centre of the map. They make eye contact and Tanqr waves, waiting for a response. PinkLeaf waves back and tries to ignore him, but it doesn’t work. 

“Where are you going? C’mere, let’s chat.”

Pink sighs and jumps down to a tree that’s a little bit taller than where Tanqr is standing, trying to keep the high ground, ensuring Tanqr has to look up to talk to him. Tanqr accepts that’s the best he’s going to get. 

“What do you want?” he asks.

“Listen, uh…” Tanqr walks up to the tree and hushes his voice. “Denis and Kreek are making an alliance in the run up to the finals. Don’t blame ‘em, they’re going to need some help to do any good.” he explains, laughing at his own taunts. Pink just finds it annoying. 

“I suppose so.” He’s not really surprised. Kreek’s probably going to try to get all the help he can get to try to beat Tanqr. 

“Those two - and, Bella, I guess - are very much a threat. To both of us.”

“Don’t…imply Bella’s not that good. She is.” Pink interrupts, much to his own surprise. When since did I care about Bella that much? 

“Oh? Didn’t know you two were friendly.” Tanqr raises an eyebrow.

“...We’re not. I’m just saying, don’t…don’t put the others down.”

“Not trying to, just that she’s not who I’m worried might beat us. Kreek’s been gunning for my title, and I’ve seen Denis honing his parkour skills and he’s good at it - he knows that’s your strong point.”

“I think most people know that’s my strong point.” Pink responds. He didn’t mean it as an insult, but Tanqr takes it like one, and he purses his lips.

“Well- anyway-” Tanqr grits his teeth before he puts himself back on track. “Seeing that, I had a thought. Why don’t we get ahead of the game?”

“What do you mean?”

“Here’s my offer. An alliance, of sorts. We work together in the finals to crush the others. You’ll be the speed, I’ll be the manpower. Together we can make up the brains.”

PinkLeaf pauses in shock at the offer, waiting for Tanqr to start laughing and teasing him. It takes a second to realise Tanqr’s being totally serious.

“Are you…asking me to team up?”

“Yeah, obviously.” Tanqr snarks. “I’m going to admit something here, so don’t mock me over it, but you scare me, y’know? Not that much, of course, but…enough. You’re powerful. Where I fail in speed, you make up for it. If I’m not careful, you could beat me. And vice versa. So instead of that…” Tanqr holds his hand out. “Let’s work together. Just you and me against the world, what’dya say?”

Pink doesn’t know what to do. On the one hand, he doesn’t trust anyone easily, let alone Tanqr. He would not be surprised if Tanqr was just using him. But on the other hand, allying with Tanqr would give him a much needed edge, a little confidence boost if someone has his back during the finals. And then again, if Tanqr’s using him to win, surely he can do the same? 

Pink weighs his options. He either risks having Tanqr as a direct enemy, have Tanqr’s sheer strength and brutality poised against him, or he gets to use it to his advantage even if Tanqr turns on him. And if he does, at least he’ll expect it. 

Ah, what the hell. 

“Okay. Sure. I’ll do it.” Pink replies, finally settling on a decision.

“Sweet.” Tanqr smiles widely, in a way that Pink can’t tell if it’s sinister or not. “Uh, take the handshake, make it official.” 

Pink does as he’s told, shaking Tanqr’s hand as quickly as possible. Tanqr chuckles a bit at his reluctance before outlining his plan. 

“You’re free for the next few hours, right?”

“...Yeah.”

“Okay, cool. We can train together then. Stay here, I’ll join you in about fifteen minutes - I need to grab a bite to eat. Haven’t had breakfast yet.” Tanqr turns away from Pink, giving him a wave. “See ya.”

“Oh, uh, bye.” 

Tanqr pulls out his phone, types something in, and he’s gone.

Pink’s alone once again. The call of the wind blows in his ears and he shivers. He hops down from the tree and sits on a railing, contemplating. 

Did he make the right decision? 

[gremlintooth]

AHHHGH DUDE, IVE FINALLY FOUND YOU ON HERE, YESSSS BRO, YOUR WRITING IS PHENOMENAL, (I'd say I'm the biggest lagwafis enthusiast on the internet, as soon as i read lagwafis, I bought the CD, the collectors edition pill pack white shirt, I have so so so many quotes on my Craig Tucker Shrine from the fic, and if you wanted to know, I've currently managed to read lagwafis 388 times, people believe I know it by heart, get it? "I know you by heart, Tweek" and the agonizing fact I quote lagwafis every day whenever I see a brink of reference infront of me, like let's say yesterday, I was in a store- and I saw a tub of chai latte and I was so close to screaming lagwafis reference inside of the store, I'm also cooking up some fan art (specifically from coming home) so I'll totally tag you when it's out) AHHH I'M GONNA WRITE SO MUCH ON HERE IT MIGHT GO TO THE LIMIT, okay so first, let's talk about the fanfic itself, there are SO many tiny details in this fic that have either made me laugh or cry in agony, which is a good thing, also, the characterization is TOP TIER, a lot of fanfictions tend to fall slightly short on the background characters outside of the pairing that tends to be the main focus. This was a great change, especially in Craig's group and Stan especially, everyone felt so real and totally had obvious quirks from the fandom itself that I LOVED SO MUCH, your writing evokes so much emotion that I somehow managed to feel exactly how everyone felt in a chapter relevant to them.

Let's talk about the character description choices, the way you described Tweek in almost every chapter made my heart ache in the best way possible, you made him sound like a fallen angel, the definition of ethereal, also the fact you decided on giving him that mouth scar with backstory to it is TOP TIER, I have a similar scar on my lip and whenever I see it in the mirror I think of Tweek from this fanfic, let's move on to Craig, the way you wrote his internal monologue and the way his emotions played out made me absolutely soul crushed, this entire fic left a deep pit in my heart, especially how Craig was described, Craig was written so realistically that it actually felt like he was real. He purposely blocked off his emotions to prevent himself from being seen as vulnerable, he struggled with keeping his “I don’t give a shit” personality until it all just exploded and the part that he was so vulnerable with was exposed to the entire school.

Also I see that the lagwafis anniversary is coming up soon!! I usually celebrate it every year when I get the chance to, by doing lagwafis related things and shit, this fanfic deserves way more than just kudos and comments and hits, this fic deserves the damn world and beyond, I even had literal dreams of this fic being one day announced to be an animated movie, and if it ever did I would cry and vomit in the best way ever possible, my life would be so complete if we became moots on here, also, I'm not sure if you have TikTok, but that's where I'm most known to being the lagwafis enthusiast on there, i make a lot of lagwafis related videos, my username is spacecadetcraigz, if you ever see this at some point, just know im so grateful you took your time to read through this.

I literally wish you the best life for now on

Yours truly,

Spacecadetcraig

388 times????? That’s true dedication my friend, you must read it like twice a week? Incredible, I’m so glad you enjoy something I wrote this much. I’m also so glad you love the album by Spiritualised too, it’s such a special album and there’s something so perfect about the title track that I’ve never been able to shake.

I didn’t even realise the anniversary was coming up, thanks for reminding me! It’s so weird to think I started writing that story six years ago. At that time I’d been catching up with South Park and when I first saw the Tweek X Craig episode it was my new favourite thing from the first minute in.

An animated movie would be amazing, Matt and Trey give us the rights pls, free of charge if possible (they’d so try for another billion dollar deal ahahahah)

I’m going to check you out on tiktok and if you do make fanart please tag me! I’d love to see!

[dearest-and-nearest]

I just realised yesterday was my channel's birthday. I made edits before that, but they were in different style, made mostly for my friend and I don't like them much, they're not exactly mine.

And since it would be strange to post an edit made 6 years ago while i barely understood how to use Premiere and almost skipped the school trying to upload it, here's a few edits I'm really proud of and you should watch them instead

This two were made for my most favourite visual novel for a long time, Demonheart. This novel literally saved me as a writer, because I had a hard time: I wrote a fic which was ignored by fandom for almost 2 years already, I was burning out very quickly and tired of trying to promote it and failing. So my friend convinced me to finally play and oh my god, this was exactly what I needed.

I played it completely very fast and then went for nwn1 mod (a first version of plot), played it, read dialogues in toolset, wrote a fic (here it is) and finally decided to make an edit. I never used visual novels as a base before, so this was hard and exciting at the same time

First one is more messy, but more fitting with lyrics of song. Second is more accurate and professional, but anyway, I'm proud of both of them

This one is not in style I usually doing now, but in style i used to make edits. It's about my Hawke, Aretha, her rivalmance with Anders and their tragedy.

Da2 is my favourite part of serie (like it's hard to not consider dao as classic, but da2 is more alive for me, more low and dark sometimes) and especially because of rivalry. I'm in love how different characters act depending on your relationship, how they change depending on that and how actually many variations there are in game. I really recommend everyone to try rivalry at least once. Maybe without romance or even with non-romancable companion like Varric or Aveline, but try. It really get understanding how and why characters are where they are. And because of rivalry I feel how much lighter Varric was written in the next games

Before Glassred became my main char, I had another pair. Their names were Rilliane and Zilveig. Tiefling and Half-Drow, Chaotic Evil and Neutral Good. They hadn't started with that alignments, but coming to them during the whole game

Honestly, I created them long before release and they changed during ea just like game was. Rilliane was a Bhaalspawn (not Dark Urge! Just a descendant of some random Bhaalspawn, she had so little of god's blood in her that it was almost nonexistent. But the main word is almost), Zilveig just a shy nervous girl, who was haunted by her past and self-hate. I tried to write a fic about them, but couldn't handle no feedback and dropped it before all guns shot.

So, here's a video about Rilliane's love triangle. Shadowheart loves her, Rilliane loves Astarion and in my plans Astarion was going to use her to have more power. They both see her pretty close: as a saviour, someone valuable, but while Shadowheart admires her beauty, Astarion wants to destroy this girl. So yeah, had many plans, but couldn't handle them properly

This is some kind of tribute when I finally gave up with their stories completely. Song is russian, but I added English subs, so you can understand it anyway!

This one was made based on one of my most favourite films, Flesh+Blood. Heavily recommend it to everyone, the chemistry between main couple is something. I found out that same actors also were in another movie, The Hitcher. Even through they had only one common scene there and were heavily antagonistic, I didn't care and made an au with reincarnation.

There's not much to say since this films are old, but I really, really love them and heavily recommend to everyone. Really, watch, you won't be disappointed

One of my latest one. This song is one of the most fitting for the whole ME trilogy and I think true and heavy renegade is really underrated. Most of fandom play as paragade, but what can be more fun than commit a genocide before breakfast?

You can see how my skill upgraded and evoluted and I'm proud of it. Maybe I'm not perfect and probably I am, but I'm learning. I'm making better videos and I'm happy I can do that. So thank you for reading this post! Hope you liked all these edits!

[andoqin]

List of dramas that I am watching or want to watch, just for personal record reasons:

Cdramas:

The ingenious one (36/36): this drama has blown me away so far with its incredibly nuanced and sharp writing, its love stories between all the major couples and the absolutely magnificent cinematography. FINISHED verdict: HIGHLIGHT drama of the year for me so far. Smart, engaging, complicated, peak romance of all sorts, just what the doctor ordered tbh (overly long review can be found in my tags). 9.5

Chang Feng Du (40/40): I did not realise how close to the end I was. This drama is very pleasant and I adore our mains, but sadly except for a few highlights (the early beating gjs put on himself, the destruction of the gu family and the aftermath, the battle for wangdu) the writing hasn’t been able to keep the narrative tension up which is sad. FINSHED verdict: Very pretty and engaging in the beginning kinda loses me in the second half and then fizzles out emotionally, doesn't crash and burn but doesn't exactly stick the landing either 6.5

Gone with the rain (10/30): adore the gremlin4gremlin couple and from the spoilers I’ve seen not gonna adore much else

An ancient love song (1/16): incredible first episode and with only 30 min per ep and 16 eps in total this is gonna be a short fun ride I hope ( with lots of angst and tears naturally).

Here we meet again (18/32): started this for Wu Qian playing to type and Zhang BinBin being pretty but oh boy I’m struggling I just don’t care about the conflicts and in s surprising twist, I like the flashbacks to high school much much more, which is very funny if you think about the fact that the reason I started liking wu qian in the first place was because of her show stealing performance in the flashbacks of My Sunshine. I’ve been promised kisses in the near future so I’m gonna hold out till then but this might end up another drop.

Hidden Love (5/25): this one promises to be v sweet and kinda short but oh my god I have so many dramas on my plate rn so this might end up the first drop.

Till the end of the moon (22/40): I think I watched ep 1 when it started but then I got busy and now I am just staring at gifsets and crying, it’s definitely on the list to watch tho.

Heroes (6?/38): I started this a while ago, was really into it and then got busy… dammit. I might just rewatch the beginning so I can remember most of the set up for sure but man the visuals on this were so good, aaaa liu yuning.

Blood of youth (0/40): the last 12 months really have spoiled us with interesting looking wuxia dramas and this one is definitely on the list, I have been gifbaited once again.

Ray of light (0/30): usually hs dramas are something I avoid, but because I will not be watching the longest promise, for reasons, and bc @storge is a gifmaking temptress, this has made it on the list.

The legend of anle (0/39): Lmao trust YOUKU to screw up the release with bad subs only 1 ep even for vips and no released schedule… but at least I can put this on the backburner for now. Lmao should have known not to trust a youku dilreba drama, the tl has soundingly spoken and I'm gonna avoid this.

Ancient Detective (0/24): I was recced this by a friend when I mentioned my love for wuxia dramas, and since it’s almost shockingly short for a cdrama it’s on the list. EDIT: this got @purplehanfus seal of approval so it is def going up the list and since it's complete I'll probably at least watch it before the ongoing ones.

Butterflied love (0/22): see I barely made this post and already forgot about the screencap that got me started on writing it, the screencapa look great, but the drama is on mango, so who knows when I’ll truly be able to watch this

When I fly towards you (0/24): Well, I wasn't interested bc modern youth drama, but then I heard it described as "updated It Started with a Kiss" and... I'm weak? ISWAK was pretty much my crack gateway into asian dramas and while IDK if i could rewatch it today, something in me will always love this kind of story. Maybe it's like a quick palate cleanser in between since apparently eps are only about 30 mins.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook(0/40): CHENG YIIIII, in a possibly bromantic role? Or maybe het romance, I'll take it all. Plus I've already seen he's bleeding copious amounts as per his contract, so that's most of the checklist done.

Lost You Forever (0/??): because nature abhors a vacuum I apparently must have?? A minimum to watch pile and this actually and genuinely looks good??? A Yang Zi drama in 2023??? The mind boggles. Anyway I've been reading the recaps with delight, and am def going to watch this when part two airs in a couple of months but until then I have a thankful reprieve...

Kdramas:

See you in my 19th life (4/12): since kdramas release so slowly this is on the backburner but it does have some great gifsets that keep enticing meee

King the land (2/16): I am watching this for junho but it is kinda hard bc I have so much else on my plate and while I don’t mind a classic romcom type story I feel I need a bit more of an emotional hook

Story of the nine-tailed 1938 (0/16): so so many gorgeous and hilarious gifsets so little time. I loved season one so so much and the fact that this focuses on the brotherly relationship?? Extremely smart writing decisions were made!

The red sleeve (0/16): I blame @dangermousie for this she keeps reblogging angsts junho on my dash and I am but god’s weakest warrior.

Love tractor (0/8): gay himbo farmboy falls in love?? You bet this is on the list

Lady durian (0/?): ok this is only on the list for crack reasons but, daughter in law is in love with mother in law and both women are like 40+ truly kdramas have entered a new era and I kinda wanna be here for that

EDIT: Revenant (0/12): Kim Tae Ri in a spooky drama? POSSIBLY POSSESSED KIM TAE RI??? how could i forget to put her on this list, plus it was written by the Kingdom writer and I adore that drama plus it's only 12 eps which is smart in this case so... let's hope i get to it at some point D:

My dearest (2/20): I checked this out because it's got pretty much everything going for it from a production standpoint and boy did the first two eps deliver. This has got 2 seasons though so I'll probably wait until the second season is airing, since it won't be too long till season 2 or so the internet tells me.

My lovely liar (0/16): minhyun learned to act and I wanna see it happen!!

Jdramas:

Our dining table (2/10): ok this category is gonna be a bit shorter bc I haven’t watched too much drama recently but omg the gifs for this I am just crying thinking about it they look so cute??

Jack o‘frost (0/6): people have recced it and it’s short so here it is.

Utsukushii kare s2 (0/4): Season 1 was an unexpected delight so I hope s2 works just as well.

She loves to cook and she loves to eat (0/10): the manga for this is amazing (and hungry making) so I hope this adaptation holds up.

Ok this list is in no way exhaustive (well except for me being exhausted just trying toward this down) and probably subject to change ( I haven’t even looked at thaidramas or twdramas I gotta stop for now) but hopefully this will keep me on the ball and maybe I can add to it whenever a new tempting gifset crosses my dash…

[umbracirrus]

An incredible half of a year, and looking forward to what is to come! 💛

So! Today, it is November 3rd 2023 - this marks exactly six months since I posted the first chapter of The Perfect Storm, as I mentioned in my post a few minutes ago as I posted chapter 14.

It's not a major anniversary, but is a big enough one for me. The reason why? I honestly didn't expect to still be writing at this point! It was my first foray into writing fanfiction once more after a few years of simply not being in the right place mentally to bring myself around to writing, in a fandom which I was new to (though had already been enjoying the Elder Scrolls for a few years by that point), posting a fanfiction based around a very uncommon relationship that was rated E on AO3 and set to be a slow burn... I honestly felt set up to fail from the start, half expected to lose heart within days/weeks of posting that first chapter...

Yet here I am, six months later, still writing - over 40,000 words in at the 14 chapter mark - feeling hopeful for the future and that I will still be writing at this time in six more months and my mind is filled to the brim with ideas of what is to come!

Now, I am first and foremost writing for myself, but I cannot deny that the effect that others - yes, all of you! - has been a massive driving factor. On AO3, my fic - much to my surprise - has somehow got almost 90 kudos, nearly 2,000 hits, 46 subscriptions(?!), and that honestly completely blows my mind whenever I look on my stats page on there. Knowing that people have actually interacted with what I have posted (and in some cases, actually want to read more?!) honestly spurs me on so much because... well, wow!!

And then there is on here! I had my account on here for a few months before I actually started to become active on here about 3-ish months ago, and honestly, I want to just hug every single person I have ever interacted with on here, or who has interacted with me. Followers, mutuals, and the like, I honestly love you all! 💛 I hadn't been involved in a fandom community in years, but the experience here has been incredible - I especially love WIP Wednesdays (even though I sometimes don't post them on a Wednesday) because, again, people actually want to see what I create? But it's such an inspiration driver - the realisation that it is Wednesday/getting tagged on Wednesdays makes me so excited and has me digging through my word documents (or my cross stitching) to show what I have progressed with.

So I really do want to say thank you to everyone for these past six months, and I am absolutely looking forward to another six more - because unlike six months ago, I'm finally feeling happy in myself and my writing, and am honestly the happiest I have felt in years in spite of all the highs and lows I have been through during this period.

Hugs to you all! 💛💛💛

[max1u3]

A Breakdown of all the Overwatch Anniversary events so far.

I'm in the mood to write lengthy paragraphs examining OW2 today, so let's go for it.

Just to clarify, my first Anniversary event was 2018, so I have just a wee bit of experience playing these events. Unfortunately, I didn't have the pleasant experience of playing the first anniversary event in 2017.

But, it's as good as any place to start, so what exactly did we get in the 2017 anniversary event.

Three new area maps were added, which I'm sure most of you are familiar with. They were Castillo, Black Forest, and Necropolis.

Not only that, but NINE FREE legendary skins were added during the limited time event, that anybody could pick up through loot boxes.

Not just that though, there were over a hundred unlockable items also released during that limited time. Ranging from skins that were lower than legendary, to player icons, to sprays, to voice lines, to emotes, highlight intros, and victory poses.

The 2017 Anniversary event was also the event that introduced dance emotes, which I'm fairly sure you just have to plainly buy no, but don't quote me on that.

WELL

Moving onto 2018

A new death map was released on the 2018 Anniversary event called Petra. Honestly, it blows my mind that Petra came out five years ago now. I remember logging on, and loading up deathmatch and getting lost out of my mind on this new map.

They released 8 legendary skins

and 3 epic skins

Including Lightning Tracer. Man, I remember just how much people hated this skin, claimed it was the ugliest skin ever made.

Personally, I think there are more than a handful that can rival it nowadays.

The 2018 event also introduced being able to buy past event items for all the events, not just anniversary.

Now that I've summarised all the wonderful gifts 2018 gave us, let's hurry on over to 2019.

This year, unfortunately, they did not release any new maps, (that doesn't mean they didn't realise new maps during the year, they just didn't release maps during the anniversary event).

But, they introduced another reel of awesome legendary skins. Except, there was only 6 this year.

Don't get me wrong. I love almost (egg head Pharah is the exception) and I physically screamed when I pulled Academy D. Va.

But, the delice shows when you compare things side by side.

No new map, and 3 fewer legendary skins.

Here are the epic skins as well, nothing special really though what can you say really.

Although, let me put it out there. I am not complaining. I got to play and earn all these skins for free and it was an absolute privilege that I did. I'm just pointing out the differences as the events progress.

2019 was also the first year to introduce legendary loot boxes for logging in. It was free and guaranteed one or more legendary. I'll just put it out there now, I absolutely adored these loot boxes. They were always the highlight of my game time when one came sliding quietly into my loot box tab.

Next up, 2020.

Now, looking at all of these event trailers together, I've released Blizzard made a very particular choice when displaying the legendary skins this year. Notice in the previous years they're usually grouped together and displayed like that? Well, not this year, because there's only 5 new legendary skins.

By displaying each skin induvial and using a highlight intro, it gives the impression there are just as many skins as usual. Very clever Blizzard, I'll give you that.

So far, we've gone from 11 legendary skins in 2017, to 5 in 2020. That number fell dramatically quickly.

2020 was also the first year to introduce the weekly challenges that became ever present in OW1 events.

None of them are really anything special. I remember being fond of the Widow one because of the gold highlights, but I also disliked the Sigma and the McCree ones because their eyes were covered.

Not much else to say really about 2019, the legendries are classics and it was the first anniversary event to use the weekly challenges, but that's it really.

2021 is where I really start to get pissed of at Blizzard.

Remember how I said before that showing of each skin specifically in their highlight intro was a cheap way of making it look like there's more content than there actually is? Well, it get's worse. At least in 2019 they specified that these were new skins.

In 2021, they just roll out the dance cutscene and introduce the new skins without saying they're introducing them, and combining skins from old events into the background. Maybe because it's late when I'm writing this, or maybe because I'm so used to seeing these skins in game, but I had to actually google a list of what skins came out in 2021 because I couldn't figure out the new ones from the old ones.

Anyways, I figured out which are the new ones, and here are your... five skins.

I won't lie. I'm not really a big a fan off... any of these. I suppose Funky Baptiste would be the best, but personally, the quality of the skins declined so dramatically. You can sort of already see it happening in 2019, but I don't think the delice is too noticeable until 2021.

But maybe that's just my personal preference.

These were the weekly challenges, and honestly, I love Tux Hammy. It's just so classically cute. The vibrant Echo is definitly a look too, just maybe not mine.

This is the bit where it gets a bit... trickier.

I'm going to have to make a second post because you can't post more than 30 pictures per post.

[lovefromskyee]

28/12/2023

It is almost midnight as I write this, so I suppose that saying it's the twenty-eighth wouldn't exactly be accurate, but this is my first post on a new blog, and I am more excited than I probably should be. It is also my first post where I'm not writing about fictional characters, and where I'm trying to unravel the knots of my brain just for strangers to read on the internet. That seems weird to me now.

Well, it's not like I could ever be consistent enough to maintain an actual diary, so this will have to do anyway. The internet algorithm has never favoured me, so I really hope it doesn't start now. Maybe I'll consider actually starting a diary consistently after rereading this post in the morning, but who knows.

My mother left to visit her hometown today, and it is also (surprise! surprise!) the day that I realise how dependant I have actually become on the people around me without realising. It was only when I couldn't immediately run to her room whenever I was bored did I realise that I was doing it in the first place. It was only when I couldn't immediately show her the playlist I had made did I realise how excited she pretended to be for me anyway. Her plane lands in another hour, and I have already made a list of all the things I have to tell her about.

Are these words too deep to write about on a Tumblr blog, of all things? Probably. But the chance of anyone reading these midnight ramblings is rare, and I was never exactly known for keeping things to myself.

Aside from a big epiphany about my subconcious behaviours, the day has been so far uninteresting. I say 'so far' as if it isn't going to be the twenty-ninth in another minute and a half.

I watched mean girls for the first time today, but my feelings for it were complicated, to say the least. The sudden happy ending that everybody got was suspicious, and Karen's job as a news reporter bothered me, to say the least. I did like the movie as a whole, though, I think. I just wish I had watched it a couple years ago when I wouldn't be overthinking every detail.

It is midnight now. Happy twenty-ninth of December to everybody who celebrates.

There is only 3 more days left until 2024 begins, and even thinking about it makes spiders crawl up my spine. I wish I could go tell my younger self that we made it to here, that we made it to all the ages that she could never have envisioned us as, but I can't. I'll just have to settle for making my future self proud. I hope she's proud as she reads back on this entry.

I think that's all for my first tumblr post on this account. I think it's also probably too much for that aforementioned first tumblr post on this account. But I don't think I really care.

Love from Skye <3

[futurequibblerjournalist]

right fuck you here's a bunch of questions from fanfiction writing asks game: 4, 20, 23, 29, 35, 41, 46, 51, 57, 68 & 75. Enjoy answering these you bastard < 3

Damn okay, sounds like a fucking threat fknbjgnbjg I will happily answer this threat for you, you little shit < 3

4. How do you choose which fics to write?

Pretty much just vibes, honestly. I come up with most of my ideas very sporadically, so it's all about what I'm feeling at the moment. I wish I had a more interesting answer, but I usually just look through this little notebook I've got that I write all my ideas in and randomly pick something for whatever ship I'm feeling at the moment. Tho I will also say that if a fic I'm planning is getting hyped by others there's a good chance it'll get prioritised lol, I'm a simple man

20. Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics?

That's,, a hard question?? I think with the Marauders fandom there's still so much to discover and interpret when it comes to canon fics, but also there's not exactly a whole lot of,, canon??? It's fun to explore different takes and I do have stuff planned for canon fics but I think my own ideas appear easier when it comes to aus. If you look at my currently published fics this is pretty clear too. I'm personally really into incorporating "canon events" into aus or at least partially in some sort of au translation if that makes any sense lol. Sometimes it's fun when aus mirror canon (partially or fully) but I also find it very fun to just,, go ham with whatever really lol. That was a lot of words for me to realise that's it's probably aus lmao

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

I don't know if there's any part of the story I find the easiest to write? It depends a lot on how solid my outline is lol. If I have too little it'll all become a struggle because then my brain suddenly has to spend time coming up with ideas instead of focusing on writing and those two seem to come from two different places in my brain. Hardest, however, will probably always be the ending. I think especially if it's something longer with multiple chapters or a high word count. The more time and energy I spend on a project, the more I struggle. I love so many of my projects, especially the longer ones, and the fact that they're gonna be done and over and I'm not going to work on them anymore is something I struggle with and my brain just sort of blocks me from finishing things sometimes. I've got a 25k story that I started writing almost two years ago that's literally only missing the ending, but I can't bring myself to finish it quite yet vjnfjbngj

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

I had to think long and hard about this vjnfjbngjb I'm not sure if the people would agree lol, but I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on how to portray emotions. Whether it's through subtle body language, interrupted speech or general involvement with the environment and setting a mood for the scene that way, it's probably one of the things I think I do best? I used to struggle with it, but I put a lot of work into trying to improve and since it (at least to me) has been successful, I'm quite proud. There's also just nothing better than when I get told I've captured a character accurately, especially when it's someone you thought you were doing a shit job at (Yes, James, I'm looking at you lol)

35. What’s your favourite fic you’ve posted?

I think it's going to have to be A Very Merry Christmas Cliché. Which honestly doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I'm insanely proud of it, both for it being my first time writing Jegulus, it being my first fic posted on a schedule but also the fact that I wrote an outline, just short of 71k words and published all of it in under a month. It was such a passion project and all the lovely comments I've gotten on it has only made me fonder of the whole thing.

41. Who’s your favourite character you’ve written?

It changes constantly honestly. I love writing Barty, Regulus, Remus and increasingly James?? He's so unlike any other character I enjoy writing, but hearing continued praise for how I write him has only made me more fond and proud of my portrayal of him somehow? I mean, it makes sense, praise breeds that sort of thing usually, but James isn't exactly a character I find myself relating to a whole lot, or so I thought? I don't know if I'm realising something about myself or something like that haha, but my desire to write him has skyrocketed recently.

46. If you could only write one type of AU for the rest of your life, what would it be?

It feels like cheating to say a muggle au lol, but it's an answer that allows for a lot of different aus to be added as like,, secondary aus?? I don't think I lean towards any more specific aus than that? Also!! When I say a muggle au I don't mean a modern one!!! Not necessarily at least lol

I'm trying to think of any more specific aus and all my brain can come up with is tropes?? So yeah, bonus answer to the question I guess, if it was one trope for the rest of my life it would probably be hurt/comfort or MCD

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

Not a whole lot, honestly. I'm a sucker for romance and queer stories and that's pretty much all I both read and write? I write significantly more smut than I read tho, I will say that lol

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

SO CONSCIOUS!!!! Like???? I can happily spend hours thinking about that shit, I am an English teacher's dream. Yes, I made the curtains blue on purpose, yes he's looking out the window for a reason, oh there are flowers in the fic? You can bet your ass those have some symbolism behind them. I fucking love symbolism, I'm such a sucker for them and I will happily spend hours googling and double checking and all that shit to make sure they're accurate and fit well. I spent so much time researching symbolism for that previously mentioned 25k word story I need to finish, but there's definitely also some of it in other stuff I write.

I plan out fics quite far in advance, I usually don't start writing until I have the whole thing outlined, both to be able to add a bunch of foreshadowing (but also to avoid plotholes lol)

I can't say it's as much of a conscious decision in some of my smutty works, but there's some stuff in there too. I can't wait to share more of the work that features more symbolism vjfnjbgnjb,, I really need to finish that fic, even if it's not a Marauders fic

68. Are there any fics that influenced you to write the way you do?

I can't say there is, not consciously at least? I admire a lot of other writers and I'd say their works certainly inspire me, but I don't actively feel influenced by them. If I do it's little things like terms and phrases and perhaps actions (thank you Katie for inspiring the little dick pat on Barty's tongue, it's getting a feature in the sharpshooter fic lmao)

I do find myself influenced by the writing styles of traditionally published books. I don't know if it's because I sit with them physically in my hands, but some books that I've really liked the writing styles of have been Carrie Soto Is Back and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo both by Taylor Jenkins Reid, as well as A Good Girl's Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson (though I'm still currently reading that one). It's perhaps not as noticeable, but I like the sentence structures both authors use and their use of inserts (news clippings, interviews, etc). I don't know if this is how the question is supposed to be answered but oh well, this is what you're getting haha

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

110% a losing game. It's only my second "jegulus" fic and even then this was "just" a solo fic with Regulus. It was the first fic I wrote after A Very Merry Christmas Cliché and I was surprised to see how fast it got hits in comparison, not that I'm complaining. But damn, people are horny for Jeggy lol

Thank you for the question, this took me literal hours to answer lmao < 3

[free--therapy]

hii it's anon! i wanna start by saying thank you as always for hearing me out and supporting.

there's something i would like to share with you and i don't know if you remember but I've actually already shared this with you once but back then, i was not completely clear about it. So here i am again, i hope you don't mind me sharing this.

I wanna start by apologising, I'm really sorry and i hope what I'm sharing doesn't affect you negatively. Umm so a while back, i sent an ask apologising about sending too many asks to you. It's about that same thing again.

Quite a while back (more than a year ago- around the end of 2021), i was sending asks to you to get advice on or vent about certain things. And I've said this before but back then, since i was sending asks about two completely different things/worries, i was sending some of them from another account. In truth it didn't matter since both were sent as anonymous but still idk dude to different reasons i used two different accounts to send them.

So the thing is- while when I started sending asks about two different worries, i didn't realise in the beginning that to you, it may seem like they were sent by different people. But with time, it occurred to me that it may seem like two different people to you but still I kept doing that.

The reason is that i was scared that you may find it annoying if one single anon sends so many asks about all different worries. I didn't wanna make you feel annoyed and since you were the only help/support i had, i was also scared that you may stop answering me completely if you get annoyed by me. And since the worries were so different, it was not possible for me to mention them in the same asks.

So i ended up sort of pretending to be different people like that on anon. So i acted like two different people asking for advice on different worries and talked/wrote asks as if i was different people for a while before i stopped shortly after.

I never intended to do that in the beginning but it somehow ended up happening and i feel that i should have stopped or told you about it the moment I realised it myself. But i didn't and instead ended up sort of lying to you or taking advantage of your kindness in a way.

I'm really sorry for doing that, I really am. I never meant to do it and I definitely never meant anything bad towards you nor did I ever think about using your kindness but it still happened and I'm really sorry for it.

Oh and one more thing- since sometimes, certain things/worries were difficult for me to directly talk about, i did send a few other separate asks by making up scenarios or roles instead of directly mentioning it was me. (Something like saying I'm trying to be writer to explain a problem of getting attached to characters or story too much) I don't know how to explain this exactly though, just that I pretended to be someone I'm not just because I wanted to explain my thoughts or worries more clearly to you or for it to make sense to you. I'm sorry for that too.

All of this came out of my desperation for help in a way, i believe. But regardless of any reason, I think I could have made better decisions so I really honestly want to apologise for that behaviour, I never meant anything bad to you in any way i promise.

Also I want to ask, do you want me to tell you which asks they were? I don't remember exactly since it was a long time ago (almost two years) but if you want to know, I can remember as many as possible?

I'm writing this now because for quite a while now, I'm been thinking if I should send this ask to begin with. Because I remember sending an ask apologising for that once before as well but in that ask i didn't really get into the detail so i thought i wanna apologize again. I didn't know if you even wanted this ask or if i should send it or if it's needed, that's why I didn't send this earlier. I'm sorry if I'm too late as well.

It's just that I wanted to apologise to you and confess about this and also, put that guilt or weird feeling behind for once and all.

Umm if I didn't remember anything or forgot to mention any other mistake of mine i did related to you it this ask, I'm sorry for that too.

If you don't want me to ever send any ask to you ever again after reading this, then i completely understand and will respect that. Thank you so much for hearing me out again, it means a lot 💌

Hey Anon,

I honestly don't really care what you've done in the past. The reason why I set up this page in the first place was to be a place for people who are seeking help with whatever they may be going through. You don't need to apologize for wanting to get help, no matter how many different times you were asking about it or how you were pretending to be someone else. I treat every ask the same and want to make sure I do my best to show kindness and compassion for whatever is asked, even if it ended up being the same person a couple of times.

I understand that you may feel guilty or that you were annoying to me, but you weren't. If I didn't want to answer people's asks, I either wouldn't have started this page or I would have closed the Ask box and made an announcement about it. It really isn't a bother to me and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like having questions or worries validated makes you feel like you're being annoying. I know exactly how that feels though, so I completely understand when it's hard not too feel some sort of guilt because someone actually wants to listen and help, especially when most of the people you went to help for in your own life made you feel like you were annoying or bothersome. You're not!

I hope this clears up any of the guilt or shame you may have had. I never ever think anyone would be annoying for seeking help, advice, or guidance. I didn't have that kind of person for me in my life, so I have no problem being that person for other people ❤

[everydayofmystruggle]

5th March 2023

Thought i'd actually start documenting everything related to my food habits. I have some stuff I have written since it started. Maybe one day i'll add them here. Maybe not.

My relationship with eating and food is currently at the worst it has ever been. Writing it all out is a kind of therapy for me. Maybe it will actually help me, or even someone else someday. I do hope so.

I'm such a private person, maybe too much so sometimes. The thought of anyone finding out that I am struggling so much is my worse fear. I don't really know why I'm so emotionally inept, and so fear letting anyone see my feelings. That's a whole other therapy topic for another day. Now onto my eating.

I don't like the phrase 'Eating Disorder'; I can't imagine anybody does. But if I'm being totally honest with myself, in the past month, my poor relationship with food has definitely developed into one. It seems to be a mixture of many; either that or I just haven't settled into one or another yet.

For as long as I can remember, i've wanted to lose weight. Honestly, years. At least a decade, maybe longer. I've always been average- never truly overweight, but big enough to never be considered thin, or to be comfortable in my own skin. I've always had flab and fat, body parts i've wanted to change. I've gone through many diets through the years- the classic cutting foods, restricting, exercising lots etc. They've never really worked. And by this I mean I have never stuck to any of them long enough to notice a difference.

This is where my relationship with food comes in- I love it. Or, well, I did. I feel that because I have always enjoyed food, my periods of dieting/ restricting just crash and burn with a binge when I realise I can't resist for long. I don't think I ever had BED per se, but it definitely seemed like an abnormal, not so good way of eating.

This cycle has gone on for years- with myself never really being able to resist a binge, never strong enough to not give in to urges or cravings.

In the past, I had thought about all this, but not really enough. I have always been aware of EDs- I'm aware that the type of person I am means I research anything and everything. Bulimia for example, I had considered, if that's the best way to phrase it. I'm pretty sure there were a couple of times in the past I had given a half-hearted attempt to purge, but never bothered to actually do it.

Until last year, I had almost a phobia of throwing up.I hated it. Even the thought of it gave me such anxiety. Hah. To think where I am at now compared to even a year ago is insane.

So, past attempts at puring after a binge were always half-assed as I could never actually bring myself to throw up, and just felt gross. This all changed this year while I was away abroad. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how it happened, but something in me changed.

I spent a chunk of time travelling abroad, and I absolutely loved it and want to go back. I spent Christmas and the New Year with new friends, and was eating without thinking about any of it. We were eating big full meals, I was going out my way to eat ice cream, or extra slices of pizza for lunch. Just generally having a good time and enjoying my food. Sometime after that it must have clicked that I needed to lose a bit of weight, and should probably start watching what I was eating a bit more. I think a big part of it was knowing a friend from home was meeting me out there in a few weeks, and I didn't want to be fat with her.

I remember consciously chosing to not get ice cream a couple times, and trying to not each big lunches. As soon as I was back to travelling alone again, I started to eat less. I'd eat cup-a-soups, Granny Smith Apples, Ritz Crackers and cheese slices. These became my staple travelling foods. After eating like this for just a couple of weeks, I noticed that I was actually losing a bit of weight. This gave me a massive confidence boost, as well as motivation to keep going.

I stayed eating this way up until I met up with my friend, and we spent three days on an island with all our meals prepared for us. Already here after just a few weeks, I was worrying about eating. I remember thinking about the food situation the whole time.

Afterwards, I was planning to get straight back to my cup-a-soup diet. The turning point came when I spent one night at a hotel airport before travelling to another area. I had no time to shop for food and so ordered a Pizza Hut. I think even when ordering I was already starting to consider trying to purge afterwards, but wasn't 100% convinced i'd be able to. But after eating it all- a pizza and bolognese pasta bake, and feeling the post-binge cringe, I said to myself I would sit by that toilet for as long as it took to get it back up. And that was exactly what I did. It was gruelling; it took absolutely ages, it made me sweat, cry and cough a ridiculous amount. But it was the first time i had ever been able to make myself throw up, and it felt like an acheivement.

It was like a switch had been flicked. A new possibilty had been unlocked. I now knew I had the ability to get rid of a load of food after eating. Now, I'm not foolish, not completely anyway. I knew this was a dangerous game to play, and knew I should set some ground rules to myself there and then. I told myself this was to be a last resort option, for when eating a lot was unavoidable. But even while thinking this, I was also mentally planning how I could practice and get faster and quieter. I was treating purging like a new skill to be improved upon.

It's silly. I know how dangerous making yourself throw up is, both short and long-term. But instead of trying to stop, I found myself googling mitigation methods. How to lessen tooth damage from stomach acid, and what foods are the easiest to get back up. Yikes.

Anyway. After that first night, I went back to my Ritz and cup-a-soup diet again for the next few weeks. The next time I purged again was completely intentional. I was craving a McDonald's burger, and so rationalised in my head that I could eat it then throw it back up. It would satisfy my craving, and serve as practice for my technique. So i did just that, munching on some extra chocolate for good measure.

I think the first time I really reflected on my new view of food was on my flight home again. I was given two full on meals, and felt like I had to eat them, so I did. Then tried a few times to purge it up in the plane toilets. I think I got some up, but the small space and the anxiety of someone hearing got the bette of me and I gave up. Looking back, that was a low point. Squatting in the toilet of a plane, trying desperately to vomit up cauliflower soup while hoping no one was outsidee the door and could hear me.

Since properly being back home, it's gone from bad to worse. The first few times I purged again was after unavoidable eating- meeting friends for dinner a couple of times etc.

I have still been restricting, but in my own home with access to food it's easy to get tempted. I think while I was away and busy all the time, I was more distracted from eating. I want to get back in that frame of mind, where food and eating doesn't take up so many of my thoughts.

This past week has been particularly bad. From Saturday to Friday, I purged every single day. It started when a friend stayed at mine Saturday night, and we ate out lots. Being re-introduced to food like that again has messed me up. I'm now having cravings again and I hate it. I hate wanting food.

I threw up in a Nando's toilet one evening, and then later in Krispy Kreme. I'm not even ashamed. The whole time while eating the meal, I was planning my trip to go purge. I was intentionally drinking lots of water while eating. The same goes for the following day when we ordered food to the house.

As for the rest of the week, I can't even remember why I purged most of the days. I think first when I snacked a little too much of an evening. One of the days I was craving pizza, so ordered Pizza Hut with the intention of purging after. This sort of stuff is what makes me wonder if i'm more bulimic or anorexic. I guess it doesn't really matter.

When the pizza arrived, I decided to try chewing and spitting the food, and then purging the little amount I did eat. I can't lie, C/S did satisfy my craving nicely. It's just hard to say how much food I actually took in from it. I have managed to overcome a few cravings since then, to which I am quite proud, as I was hungover and could have easily given in and ordered food.

Oh, after a night out on Friday, the first thing I did when I got in to my hotel room was try to throw up as much as I could. It's mad that even when I was that drunk, it was still at the front of my mind.

Today I threw up again. For stupid reasons. All I had eaten was soup and some side bits, but I wanted a Belvita, and somewhere in my head I could only justify it by purging first. I'm going to try and stop doing it this frequently, beacasue it really will be a one-way ticket to every nasty side effect. I just need to work on my cravings and binges. Maybe I need to rid my house of any foods like that. I dunno.

My number one fear is definitely anyone finding out about any of this. I am forever lying about eating or what I have eaten. I laugh at jokes about eating disorders as if there's no way I have one. I am a good liar, am good at hiding things, so I don't doubt that I will successfully hide this from people.

I guess i'll keep writing this all down for as long as necessary. Currently, I have no intention of gaining a normal eating habit. Maybe it's bad, but I don't really care. I'm losing weight and I love it. I weigh around 63kg at the moment. I can see and feel where I am starting to look slimmer and I love it. This is why I don't really try to stop, and why everything revolves around eating less. I do want to not purge as much as I know how bad it is. I'd rather focus on restricting than bingeing or purging.

I like to think I have some control, but it's been a month and I already feel it slipping. Maybe writing this down is the first step to reclaiming some.

I like to think that one day, I will be happy both happy with my body and not focused on food/ eating so much. I hope the time comes, beacause as much as I am focusing on this to lose weight and lool the way I want, it is exhausting. It's all- consuming, and a constant battle. It's a battle I am happy to be in right now, but I hope to not always be in it.

<3

[astralmona]

cliche romantic things with genshin characters !

AKA snippets from AU ideas that i am not ready to write out yet

w/ ei (slight angst), beidou and lisa (suggestive)

ei + slow dancing

"i don't know how to dance," you say. ei answers back with a smile, hand still outstretched. sighing, you reach out slowly, willing your feet to not trip you over.

she pulls you into her easily. "you don't have to know how to dance. just follow me." you feel her place a kiss against your cheek before she's whisking you around her chambers — a hand placed on your waist, and the other intertwined with your fingers.

it's quiet. it is in the dead of night in the shogun's chambers after all. a place where ei has shown you over and over again that she chooses you, above all else. the sound of hushed footfalls on wooden floors keeps a steady rhythm. she drops her other hand to your waist, silencing the movements. it takes you a moment to realise she's pulled you into a tight hug — face turned into your neck.

"ei?" you ask. "is something wrong?"

ei shakes her head. it's you that doesn't remember. you're not exactly who you were all those years ago, but when ei looks into your eyes and sees the mirth in your eyes whenever she speaks, she remembers. she can picture a time, a place, maybe even before the archon war where she's danced with you like this before. what a pleasant twist of fate to meet you again right after she's left her plane of euthymia.

although, ei grimaces as she remembers miko's smirk, hidden behind a well-placed hand. it's most likely not as much of a coincidence as she thinks. regardless, she's grateful.

"i'm glad you're here," is all ei says. one hand strokes your hair and the other running down your spine. she's always held you in this way, touching every part of you as though she's making sure you're real.

"i am too," you reply.

you'll stay this time, won't you? ei wants to ask, but she already knows the answer you'll give her. a tilt to your head, a frown as you try to piece together if you've ever made her doubt otherwise, before a small giggle as you stroke her cheek, promising her.

that's what these dances are — a reminder of promises made to each other on unforgettable nights just like these.

beidou + soft moments under moonlight

you see beidou's silhouette before she even sees you. she's perched on top of the cliff at guyun stone forest, gazing out to the sea. even from here, you can tell there's a wistfulness in her expression, similar to how she would look on the crux during long journeys.

"the moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

against all better odds, you flush. "don't say cheesy stuff like that when i'm sneaking up behind you."

beidou barks out a laugh, turning to face you and beckoning you over to her side. "how is he?" she asks, voice low. there's concern swimming over her face, and you know who she's talking about even without his name.

"kaedehara kazuha is doing... fine." you shrug. you can still picture the small boy with his anemo vision hanging from his hip, a hastily wrapped bandage around his wrist, looking all over the ship but really seeing anything. it's only when the crux's crew first sees the signs of liyue's shores that he opens up, hiding behind a mask of poetry and elegant lines. "he always seems to be looking for something thought." you finish.

"isn't that almost everyone who ends up joining the crux?" beidou peers at you knowingly, a smirk on her face.

you raise an eyebrow at her as she breaks out into laughter once again. there's something admirable about it. the way she takes, and gives, and cares, and her unfraid, unabashed laughter. it's been a long time since you've laughed like that. without knowing it, your fingers reach down to intertwine with hers, hearing beidou's chuckle cut short with a small "oh?"

"i haven't found what i'm looking for." you start, eyes focusing on your interlocked fingers and tracing your way up her arm to her face. your words catch in your throat as you take in her form — eye slightly hooded in fondness and her focus entirely on you. "but i think i'm pretty satisfied all the same."

beidou smiles in return. it's gentle and it's soft. "well, look at you go." there's a teasing glint as she glances between your lips and your eyes. "i think you've been hanging out too much with the new kid."

you roll your eyes with a giggle, knowing she means well. and when she catches your lips under the moonlight, putting everything she has in it, just like she does with anything important, you realise you don't really need to hear her say what she truly feels when it's always been so glaringly obvious in her actions.

lisa + taking care of you when you're sick

"i mean, really." lisa walks over to you with the scent of tea wafting through the air. "if you wanted me to take care of you, all you had to do was ask." there's a teasing lilt to her voice that you should have grown accustomed to by now, and yet, here you were, curling further into the sheets to hide the warmth spreading on your cheeks.

"don't you have to be at the library?" you murmur through the pain in your throat. your hand lifts up to massage it as though it'll ease the strain.

lisa responds with a tsk. "the library can certainly handle it's own for a few hours. besides," she continues. "if anything were to happen to the books while i was busy with more important things..."

you feel your skin tingle with her words. she doesn't need to finish her sentence for you to know the types of punishments she's referring to. there's a soft clink as the cup is settled down on your bedside table. the bed dips as lisa settles herself down with a quiet hmph. her cool hand tugs down your bedsheets just enough to reach your forehead.

"oh, you're really burning up." there's a quiet undertone of concern underneath her silky voice. it reminds you of other more intimate times when she's been worried about you.

not to be outdone, you swallow thickly through the pain in your throat. "it's because you're here."

silence falls between the two of you. you peek your head out from under the covers to see lisa’s reaction, and have just enough time to catch what seems to be purple lightning dancing across her eyes before she turns away, feigning a yawn.

“get well soon, darling.” her voice drops low dangerously. “you’re going to need all the rest you can get once i start toying with you again.”

“i miss having all your attention.” you send a half smirk her way, that you’re sure ends up looking more pained than flirtatious.

surprisingly, lisa doesn’t respond to you with any dangerously enticing lines, merely a sigh. “don’t you have all my attention now?” her hand strokes your cheek, tracing up to your hair and running down your arm in calming, repetitive strokes. lisa’s gaze settles upon you, and there’s a strange feeling in your chest at the fondness lurking in her eyes. “you disappeared for four days,” lisa says, closing her eyes in thought. “no one knew where you were, and all that time, you were just trying to recover from this horrible sickness by yourself. you can ask, you know?” she opens her eyes, staring at you unflinchingly. “no one in mondstadt is ever going to be too busy for you.”

there’s an unspoken suggestion underlying her words. ‘i’m never going to be too busy for you.’ you lean into her touch. “sorry.” you mutter softly into her hand. “i thought i could handle it.”

there’s no response from lisa, and slowly, but surely, you drift off to quiet humming and warm touches against your skin. lisa stays, placing a kiss on the top of your forehead once she’s sure you’re asleep, constantly reassuring herself that you’re here with her.

likes and reblogs are appreciated !

[rendevousz]

freak

avengers x teen!fem!reader

summary: you get captured during a mission and the team saves you.

warnings: language, violence, brief misogyny, torture, **NO sexual assault (because as i was proofreading, i only implied most of the torture scenes because i didn't want to write it in graphic detail and i realised the vague wordings might be misinterpreted as sexual assault which IT IS NOT, just clearing it up), and also again, my inability to write good endings

word count: 4589

notes: i just rewatched iron man 2 so that explains justin hammer LMAO also ooc justin hammer because even tho mans evil, he gets extremely um.. cruel here but anyways i hope you enjoy this!!

you were 13 when you first met the avengers and 16 when you officially joined. you grew up as one of HYDRA's experimented children and the team had found you when they raided the base that you were in.

a small, sickly-looking kid you were, sat against your cell wall, hugging your knees. 13 but you could probably pass off as a 10 year old due to how malnourished and miserable you were. burying your head in between your knees, you covered your ears as the loud gunshot noises filled the whole place. the metal door of your cell slamming open against the wall had you whimpering, hands above your head in fear.

every time the door slammed open, guards would come drag you out for more experiments so it was an instinct for you to cower in fear at the sound.

"last room in the west hall, i found a little girl."

you heard nothing because you were covering your ears, preparing yourself to be forcefully dragged by the guards to the experiment room. but it never came.

"hey," a soft voice called. you were violently shaking at this point, breathing heavily as you tried to calm down. "hey, it's okay." the voice called out again and you felt them touch your shoulders.

your head immediately jolted up, flinching away from the stranger's touch. your eyes met a blue pair as you backed away into the corner in fear. "i'm sorry! i'm sorry, i didn't mean to." the man apologised. you slowly looked up at him, observing him. he had on a full black outfit, a quiver of arrows slinging on his shoulder and he was holding onto a bow.

"don't be scared. i'm here to help," he states with his hands out, as if to calm you down. "that's what they all say." you hissed through gritted teeth and a tear-stained face, glaring at him even though that could've been a very wrong move had it been with an actual HYDRA guard.

despite the strange feeling of being safe around this man, you didn't let your guard down. that's exactly what those scientists said seven years ago. trusting kind-looking men got you into this hell you never thought you would ever escape from and you weren't going to make the same mistake again.

"clint," a red-headed female, also in all black, entered through the open door of your cell with her pistol up. at the sight of the weapon, you broke your glare towards the man. your breathing quickened and you went back to your original position before the archer came; body pressed up against your knees and covering your ears with your palms.

"i'm sorry! i'm sorry! i'll come! please don't use that on me again," you whimpered, voice muffled as your face was hidden against your knees. the woman freezes mid-walk, looking at her friend with a bewildered expression.

"nat! put that away!" clint whispered harshly, eyes glaring at the pistol in nat's hands. nat's jaw dropped in realisation, a small gasp leaving her lips as she immediately put away her weapon.

she slowly makes her way to you and clint puts his arm out before she could get closer. he looks at her with a worried expression as he shook his head, as if telling her that she can't get too close to you. nat nods understandingly, crouching down a distance from you.

"hey," she spoke softly. "i promise you that we're not here to hurt you." you kept your face hidden from her, still hugging your legs tightly. nat sighs before sitting down.

"here, let's introduce ourselves. i'm nat and this right here is clint." you hear her speak and when you slowly lifted up your head, you saw the both of them sitting down in front of you, seeming to have made themselves at home in your pathetic cell. "what's your name?"

name? you had never been able to use your name before. you always kept your own name deep in your heart despite no one ever using it, afraid you would forget it if you stopped thinking of it. the only name they ever called you here was 'number five'.

"y/n," you whispered, still doubtful about these people's intentions. you almost burst out crying when you said your name out loud. that was the first time you introduced yourself with your actual name and not the number you were given ever since you were captured.

nat must have noticed this because she immediately spoke up, trying to distract you from your consuming thoughts. "y/n...that's a pretty name for a pretty girl like you. how old are you, y/n?" she asks again.

you contemplated once more but decided it was fine. you knew you were probably going to regret trusting these two strangers but what could be worse than what HYDRA has been doing to you for years?

"13," you muttered, looking down at your lap. you were now timidly seated cross-legged, playing with the tattered hem of your shorts. you heard a small gasp from one of them and looked up to see clint with his jaw dropped.

the two adults were both thinking of the same thing. how could you be 13? you were so small and sickly-looking, they didn't even think you were older than ten, let alone an early teen.

"i know you're scared and you have all the reasons in the world to be, but i promise you, we're here to help. we'll get you out of here, only if you trust us. will you trust us?" nat says. your mind was conflicted. you were either going to finally get out of this hellhole or you were going to be taken somewhere even worse than here. but could anywhere really be worse than here?

you decided to take a leap of faith and trust these two strangers. that decision had to have been the best decision you've ever made in your life.

you were now 18, an official avenger and you had the most amazing family you could've ever asked for. they were a bit on the crazier side but could you really have a normal family when said family consisted of superheroes? but you weren't complaining. you loved these people.

they were the ones who took care of you when you thought you had no one. having been a HYDRA experiment, you had abilities the normal human didn't. said ability being shapeshifting and healing. that's why you became an avenger. your shapeshifting ability was essential during missions where you had to sneak in and you being able to heal others was crucial when medic wasn't able to be there on time.

you pretty much came along to every mission despite the adults saying you don't have to. you knew they were only doing that to protect you from dangers of all those missions but how could you not when you had such abilities? they'd be much better with you helping.

that was why you were here, in bulgaria, fighting alongside the team. well, just steve, nat, clint, bucky and tony.

justin hammer had managed to get his hands on a type of out-of-this-planet weapon that tony was also trying to retrieve, and he had big plans with it. hence why the avengers had to come where hammer had wrecked havoc in; sofia, bulgaria. he had upgraded his robots with the tech used for the stolen weapon.

with evil robots attacking the whole city, it felt like you were living the story that wanda told you of what happened in sokovia before you met the avengers.

an hour passed before all of the robots had finally been taken down and you all knew you had to get to hammer before he activates more robots to distract you guys and uses the weapon for bad things.

"tony, have you located hammer?" steve's voice sounded in your ear through the comms. you had just finished healing the nasty gash on clint's side, nat's cut on her forehead and the bruises all over bucky. you were feeling significantly weaker now, from the amount of healing you did. you stumbled slightly when you walked and bucky immediately held onto your arm. "doll, are you okay?"

"i'm fine, buck. nothing i haven't dealt with before," you told him, gently removing his grip on your arm, walking back to the quinjet.

-

"no, absolutely not. we are not sending y/n right into a death trap. she's not even strong enough right now, she just finished healing us."

you were all back at the compound now and planning a second attack on justin hammer.

"it's not a death trap, buck. and i know you're worried but she's the only choice we got. y/n, all you gotta do is sneak in as one of his henchmen and provide entrance for us. once we get in, we'll take all his guards down and get that weapon from hammer and we won't have to worry about his world domination plans anymore. it'll be over as soon as it starts and she'll be back safe with us. sound good, y/n/n?"

"yeah, sure." you agreed, already having a person in mind that you were going to change yourself to.

-

the plan had gone just as steve wanted and they managed to raid justin hammer's building, tony stealing the very item that could've aided in the massacre of millions. justin and his henchmen managed to escape the building before the avengers could catch them.

"well, that was anticlimactic," tony scoffs, already making his way to the quinjet. "but good job, y/n. you saved the day once again."

he expected to hear a laugh from you, like you usually did, being the only one who ever responds to him after missions. but instead he was met with silence. "kid?" still no answer.

"y/n, where are you?" steve panicked, finally realising that you were the only one who hasn't responded in a hot minute. "y/n/n, this isn't funny." he breathed out.

"she's...she's gone."

-

"well, well, well," a voice spoke right as you woke up from your slumber. you squinted, noticing that you were in some sort of dark room with only one light bulb right above you. "what do we have here?"

a figure walks right in the light and you could barely make out justin hammer's ugly face with how dizzy you felt. "if it isn't the little freak." he states condescendingly, smirking down at your helpless position, both wrists and ankles cuffed onto the metal chair you were sat on. you struggled against the restraints, trying to get free but to no avail.

your breathing quickened, your current vulnerable state reminding you of your later years in HYDRA. they had started off experimenting on you on a metal gurney but as you grew older, you realised that what they were doing to you was bad so you started fighting back. that ended you up on a metal restraint chair instead of the gurney, strapped to the chair with cuffs on your wrists and ankles.

this felt like deja vu. the same panic you felt, the same breathing difficulties, the same amount of effort put into trying to get out of the restraints. "you should know, princess, that that doesn't work." hammer chuckled, a fake pout on his lips as he crouched in front of you, a rough hand on your cheek. you instinctively jerked away from his touch, to which he paid no mind to because he had expected that. he then grabbed your chin harshly, turning your head up towards him. you glared at him.

"you think i didn't know what you did? snuck in as one of my men using your freaky powers? not to mention useless. imagine having powers but not being able to use them to even escape from mere humans," he laughs in your face, harshly letting go of your chin, throwing your head backwards. "you tell me where stark planned to bring the weapon and i'll let you pretty little thing go."

"no."

before you could even comprehend, his fist came flying at your face and your head dropped to the side at the impact. your left cheekbone was throbbing and you could already tell you were gonna have a black eye. despite the pain, it wasn't something you weren't used to. you were an avenger, after all. getting decked in the face was practically in the contract.

he grabbed your chin once again, pulling your head upwards to face him. "you're gonna tell me where it is or i'm gonna make you regret it."

you looked up at him with a bored look. he punched you again. and again. and again. until you could taste the blood on your tongue. "think you wanna tell me now, sweetheart?"

"never. not to someone like you."

the man seemed to get a kick out of beating you up because he punched you again in the face. your whole face was pretty much numb now and the metallic taste in your mouth intensified. you smirked at the man before you, chuckling darkly.

"sure, beat up the helpless girl. that's the only way you can beat me, right? when i'm all tied up? what a man,"

his hand was around your throat within a second and he forced you to look him in the eyes again. "sweetheart, you're a girl. tied or not, you're still weak. not even with that useless power of yours."

taking advantage of how close his face was to yours, you gathered as much bloody saliva in your mouth before spitting it in his face.

it was very much the wrong thing to do because after he wiped off his face, he left the room and two men came in, various tools in hand for their fun with you.

-

"stark! my buddy! how's it going?" justin hammer's face appeared on the screen in the conference room, where the avengers were having a meeting about your possible whereabouts.

"where is she?!" wanda growled, standing up abruptly.

"what ever do you mean?" hammer smirked, feigning innocence. "you know what we mean. where is she?" steve spoke authoritatively, trying to control his anger at the sight of the man's face.

"i'll tell you where your thing is if you tell me where my thing is." he smiled wickedly. this caused wanda to get angrier. "y/n is not a thing! and the weapon was never yours in the first place!" vision held onto her to calm her down and it worked because she sat back down, though still glaring at the screen.

"oh she's not a thing? seems like it to me, though." he smirked and the team frowned, not understanding what he meant until they heard screams and justin's smirk widening at the sound. what a sick bastard. "what are you doing to her?!" bucky screamed, knocking his chair back as he stood up.

"i don't know, you tell me." he chuckles, and the screen changes to the live footage of you in the restraint chair with the two men in the room.

you were no longer fighting back now, just sat limply with your head dropped to the side. the first hour with them, you had been fighting back like you did with justin, despite the restraints, but now entering the second hour, you were too exhausted for anything.

your left eye had been swollen shut, you could barely breathe through your nose, your cheeks were throbbing like hell and your bottom lip was busted. your head was the only thing that moved freely when hit so the men seemed to find satisfaction the most when they punched you in the face. though that didn't stop them from inflicting pain on other parts of you.

"let her go, she's just a kid!" sam exclaimed, his grip on the edge of the table tightening to control his anger. peter and wanda were crying looking at the awful state you were in, clint, tony and bruce were silent in shock, steve and bucky were getting increasingly angry as the abuse continued.

"are you going to tell us where stark is keeping the weapon or have you not gotten enough?" one of the two men was heard asking, pulling your hair back to make you look up at him. you look at with your half-opened right eye, breathing heavily. "my answer's never gonna change no matter how many times you ask."

he scoffs, stepping back before the other man swings a bat right at your stomach. the air was immediately knocked out of your lung. the men laughed as you coughed up blood profusely. this caused wanda to get more hysterical.

"well, looks like she wants more. i'll call back when she's had enough. toodles," he waves his fingers at the camera with a sinister smirk before abruptly ending the call.

the room went silent after the call, save for bucky and sam breathing heavily from the anger they felt. bucky then turned to steve, pain could be seen on his face. "you said she would be safe."

"i–i'm sorry, buck. i didn't know he was gonna take her with him." steve was still frozen in shock, the image of you on the chair now permanently ingrained in his brain. in everyone's brains actually.

"guys, gear up, he's in colorado."

all heads turned towards natasha and she looked back at them with a 'what?' expression. "you were tracking him down the whole time?"

"um, duh? now come on, gotta save our girl."

-

you awoke to a stinging sensation on your inner forearm. after your bloody coughing fit, they proceeded to beat you up again and you were knocked out then. now you were slowly regaining consciousness but you were starting to prefer being passed out. your whole body was in pain and the fact that you couldn't even move made it even worse.

"oh, lookie here. sleeping beauty is up." you were met once again with justin hammer's ugly face. he was sitting on a chair perpendicular to your left side. you couldn't wait to get out of here so you didn't have to keep seeing his face every time you woke up. your inner forearm was stinging even more now so you looked down at it. you gasped at the sight.

"how'd you like my artwork?" he chuckled at your reaction. there on your arm, obviously carved out with the bloody knife that the asshole was so proudly holding on to, was 'FREAK'. carved out big and bold. on your skin. "pretty fitting, eh? freak? because, you know, that's what you are."

the blood was seeping out through the cuts and it stung even more now that it had been exposed to the air. the asshole moved his chair to your other side. "what should i write on this arm?" he feigns a thinking expression, looking up thoughtfully with his thumb and pointer finger on his chin.

"please, i–i don't know where tony put it. i really don't." you cried, tears now flowing freely down your face without a shame.

he looks at you with amusement. "what is this? are you...are you giving up already? can't take anymore?" he smirks and you sigh, closing your eyes. you just awoke but you were exhausted. so, so exhausted.

he takes out his phone, the smirk now permanent on his ugly face. "stark! kid's finally had enough. wanna tell me where the weapon is now or do you want to find her body at the bottom of the ocean?"

you couldn't even be bothered to react to his statement. the pain all finally registered and you were tired. tired and in excruciating pain.

"kinda busy right now, can you call back later?" you could hear tony's voice sound from justin's phone and the man beside you laughed. "i see you don't care for the girl. what could possibly be more important than saving her?"

"i don't know, you tell me." a voice said from behind you two and before you knew it, hammer was knocked off the chair he was on. you weakly turned your head just in time to see a metal arm force hammer up onto his feet before wrapping around his neck. "don't you fucking touch her again."

"y/n!" you heard wanda's voice as she entered the room with peter. more tears flowed down your face at the sight of them, stinging when they rolled past the cuts on your face but that didn't matter. your family was finally here to save you.

you saw the red mist of wanda's powers surround your cuffs before they clicked open. "oh, bubs, i'm so sorry." she cried, both hands hovering around your face, hesitating to touch you in fear of hurting you. her eyes fell onto the words carved out onto your skin and her mouth fell open before covering it with her hand. "i'm so sorry we couldn't get to you sooner." peter's voice cracked and you could tell he was emotional.

"it's okay," you told them, giving them a small smile, the biggest one you could give in your current state.

tony, sam and steve entered the room to see bucky relentlessly beating up your captor and wanda and peter standing by you as you cried.

"cupcake, we're here now. don't cry, you're safe now." tony came closer and despite knowing that you were because your family was finally here, you couldn't help but let out all the pent up emotions you've kept throughout your time of captivity.

sam had a go at justin once bucky was done and steve had to physically pry them both off of the sick bastard so that nat could cuff him and bring him back to the jet.

"y/n/n, i'm so sorry. if i hadn't–"

"it's okay, stevie." you cut him off. truthfully, you only did so because you knew he was going to giving a long-winded explanation justifying his actions and your headache couldn't bear to hear lengthy sentences. but you also didn't think it was in any way his fault so he didn't deserve to be beating himself up for this. shit happens, anyway.

"let's get you out of here, doll." bucky says, cringing when he sees the blood on the floor of your chair, as well as on your clothes. he quickly reaches to lift you off the chair but stops when you let out an ear-piercing scream of pain. "doll, i'm so sorry! did i hurt you?!" bucky questions in panic.

"y–you didn't, they did. it...it hurts everywhere," you cried, feeling hopeless that you couldn't even bear being carried by someone, let alone get up by yourself. their hearts broke when you said that. you never really cried much in front of them and you were known to withstand pain well because of how much shit HYDRA put you in as well as your powers being healing, meaning you had a higher pain tolerance than most people.

"it's okay, bubs. i got you. let's get you home, alright?" wanda's calming voice broke you out of your breakdown and red mist surrounded your whole body, wanda moving you with her powers. you were thankful of that because it didn't cause any more pain to your body.

maybe hammer was right. maybe you are just a freak with useless powers. wanda floated you into the jet and she set you down on the bed. "y/n, oh my god!" clint cried out once he sees you. you looked much worse than you did on hammer's camera footage during the call an hour ago. "kid, i'm so sorry."

"clint, take the wheel. bruce doesn't have all the resources needed. she needs to be treated ASAP." nat tells her best friend and he nods, taking the wheel and immediately taking off once everyone had boarded.

you were laid on the bed, right eye slightly open as bruce examined you. exhaustion hit you like a truck and before you knew it, you blacked out.

-

"how is she, doc?"

"pretty banged up but y/n, as i already knew, is a strong girl. lots of internal bleeding, broken bones, bruises and scars but she'll be fine. you can check her file later if you want," doctor cho tells tony outside of your room. "it's fine, can we see her?" he asks on behalf of the whole team standing behind him.

"yeah, of course! she woke up five minutes ago. i'll be off now, call me or my team if you need anything." she bids goodbye and left the group of superheroes.

steve slowly opens the door and there you were in bed, staring up at the ceiling. "hey, y/n/n," he greets sheepishly, feeling as though he had interrupted your alone time of blankly staring at the ceiling. the team trailed in behind him and soon your bed was surrounded by the avengers.

"hi, cupcake."

you looked away from the ceiling and turned your head towards tony. "oh, hey tones." you smile as sam helps you sit up while the rest sat on chairs all around you. "how you feeling, bub?" nat asks, eyes flickering down to the bold scarring of letters on your forearm.

"as okay as i can be." you answered truthfully, pressing your inner forearm closer to your body so the team doesn't see the letters carved onto your skin. you already know what you are, you didn't need the rest thinking so too.

"you're not a freak, bubs."

you look up at wanda. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to read your mind. but they were awfully loud. you're not a freak, y/n. and you're not useless too. that bastard may have carved out that word onto your skin but the scar will fade. it's not permanent. you know why? because that's not what you are." she tells you, taking off her jacket to wrap it around you because you felt self conscious of the scars all over your arms where the team could see.

"yeah, doll. you're an amazing person and your powers help us so much. i mean, you saved millions just helping us get the weapon back from justin hammer. if you hadn't, well, who knows what could've been happening right now?" he places a gentle hand at the side of your head, stroking your hair.

"yeah and who heals us when we get really hurt during missions, huh? i mean, if you hadn't healed that stab wound i got during that mission in new mexico, i probably wouldn't even be here at this moment." clint tells you and you roll your eyes at him. "you're exaggerating."

"i am not!" he laughed and you playfully rolled your eyes once again.

"y/n/n, i'm really sorry for—"

"i don't wanna hear it, stevie."

"but–"

"no. it's not your fault. shit happens." you brush him off. "lang–"

"you say language to me, i'll blame this shit on you even when it's not your fault. try me, rogers." you glare at the blond super soldier. he raises his arms in surrender, leaning back on his chair as the team laughs.

the team continue to entertain you and you couldn't help but smile at the sight in front of you. these were the people who would drop anything for you and were willing to dropkick any asshole in the face for hurting you. justin hammer never had a chance against your family to begin with.

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