#i'm just exhausted
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If I had a nickel for every time I've lived through a national blackout where there's no electric power in all the 24 states in Venezuela, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's not weird that it happened twice, since VENEZUELA IS AN AUTHORITARIAN REGIME AND THIS IS ONE OF THE WAYS THEY PUNISH PEOPLE.
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editing some fics on Ao3 because it gives me something to do and takes way less energy than writing a new one.
edited:
pretend
in her gentle care
touch my soul and hold my hand
only the important things
salt and pepper
waiting for you, for time and all eternity
wishful winning
#editing fics#I'm doing better now#I'm just exhausted#and in breakdown mode#like. non verbal shit going on#but I'm doing better#fanfic#my writing
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Hi chat. How do I deal with a racist ableist queerphobic alt right dad that is also the person who pays for my healthcare. How tf do I do that.
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Writing while I'm in between moving and while I'm away from my son (read: tablet)
#Should probably state that I orginally had a backlog of chapters for july#But most of my writing got eaten#And that was very discouraging and gave me writer's block#And the drawings in the backlog cant go out bc they are spoilers for said chapters#I'm just exhausted#scarposts
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I'm a stereotype and the urge to quit the PhD nonsense and become apiarist is really strong
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Things I have learned over the past eight weeks:
90% of my anxiety is OCD based. I latch onto a thought and can't let it go and just keep getting more and more anxious.
Having adequate information helps with that a ton, but boy are people reluctant to give you any information about anything.
Not having adequate information leads to google deep dives which leads to more confusion and questions which leads to increased anxiety which leads to further rumination which leads to panic attacks.
The second any medical professional clocks onto the fact that OCD is a factor they just fully stop listening to you and decide you're crazy and stop giving you any information at all. Also they will lie to you outright to try to "manage" your anxiety for you. This does not help.
Nurses are 1,000 times better than 99% of doctors out there at doing their job patiently and with kindness while actually assisting.
When things are already sensitive, lidocaine hurts a lot until the numbing agent kicks in. Like a bad chemical burn. Not a fun time.
Hydroxyzine makes the crying stop (sometimes) but it doesn't make me tired. The stress relief gummies help with the more mild stuff.
Doctors really really want to push daily medication instead of addressing the actual issue. And a lot of the time in trying to convince you they will just wind up insulting you and hurting your feelings.
Ear seeds don't really do much, but they are pretty.
Baking soda baths are superior to Epsom salt baths in every way.
#stuff and things#personal#ranting#I'm genuinely just so tired#mentally#physically#emotionally#I'm just exhausted#like... I wanna just tap out#can someone else take over for a while?#please?#doctors#ocd#etc#medication
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I'm so tired.
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For those who were following last nights conversation, the search term I was actually looking for was "Christian Zionism". I don't know why that had to be so hard.
#several hours of research just to find the right search term#and then when I found it it cleared up so much right away!#why is this shit not just coverd in Isreali-Palestine conflict 101?#from what I can tell British Christian Zionism was actually quite influential in Israel becoming a state in the first place#and American Christian Zionism continues to be influential in how the U.S. involves itself in this conflict#so it seems to me! like that should be a pretty basic thing to include#in 101 introductions to this issue for British and American audiences#and yet I'm just like?? expected to know what this is and what it's dog whistles are implicitly??#girl I do not belong to any of these religions#how was I supposed to even begin to know#I'm just exhausted#the fact that two different people tried to help me by sending me asks that didn't use this term At All#just indicateds how difficult it is to even ask for this information
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life stuff
hmmmm something in me the last two weeks has wanted nothing but to destroy things and if not that then to just go sleep for a while
tbh i think last week genuinely was my last straw. i think it's time for me to leave for something else. i'm tired of not really enjoying life and always waiting for that Jump in joy that reaching a milestone and watching each day go by so easily that i don't remember them, being too focused on a future uncertain
i want to live. thats really it. this - whatever this is - it isn't living. i love being a student and i do love learning, but i don't think this was ever cut out for me. i've prided myself so much in being so because it meant helping others, and i'll always be someone who wants to help others some way or another, but maybe this isn't my path to help others.
there's other things i can do that i might enjoy a bit more. but i think more than anything right now i just want to focus on myself - reconnect with the self that i had lost by draining myself for this dream. i want to find things that make me happy and pursue it. it might not be something my folks would be happy about, but what's life without disappointing others to make a place for yourself? if i spent so long trying to make a place for others, its about time i ought to show myself that same kindness and choose to live.
my mom's coming to visit this weekend because she's been hearing a lot about how pained i've been and just how stressed i am about the situation. it's going to be my break weekend where i don't really do a lot of work and we're gonna go enjoy sightseeing and going around the city and even go to a football match. i want to enjoy it to the fullest and reconnect with myself and live. but ... i kinda want to break the news to her that i think i need to stop before i break myself further. i'm tired of this dream. i miss living and being in the present. i miss the small joys in life like the sun or the flowers. even now all of that doesnt bring me joy anymore. its hard. and i'm scared because i've had this conversation before with her that i don't think i can go on, only to be met with "you just have to bite your tongue and do it." if i bite any harder, there'd be blood everywhere.
i have some hope though. the last call we had she said something like "if medicine wasnt meant for you FUCK medicine!" and that made me happy to hear but there's a difference between a voluntary choice of leaving vs being kicked out. i think if i said a voluntary choice, she would throw a fuss and say im giving up so easily. as though such a choice was easy for me to choose when i spent my entire life building up to this dream - sacrificing a lot of my own life, relationships, etc - in order to get here.
but it's the final day of the first month of the year, and i don't need another month of all the heartbreak that the entirety of last year had given me. i don't need to feed it further.
#sorry this is really long#i'm just exhausted#tw vent#vent#ive had one nice thing happen to me last week but when i pull away and look over the past two weeks ive never been more depressed#thats what i mean by cons outweighing the pros#anyways#im going to try and do things for myself. connect with myself. etc.#i dont care anymore#but don't worry i'm safe!#it's more dying embers than anything#idk how else to explain it#ask to tag#bc idk what else to tag this as#i just needed this out of my system
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too tired to do anything but scroll through tumblr. just well rested enough to type out my bullshit
#oh god that reminds me some people wanna hear about my story#if that's you. i wanna talk about it so bad i prommy#i'm just exhausted#persimmon's rambles
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thinking about how a fuckton of human rights watch organizations are confirming that women's rights are being set back accross the world right now and how ppl here are this close to saying that feminism is cringe and over
#peddle NotAllMen and 'women aren't an oppressed group' shit to me one more time and it's the Block#I'm just exhausted
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computer science is genuinely so enjoyable except for, y'know, the horrors
#melon rambles#the horrors in this case being bad classes/teachers#I'll grant my teacher this: computer networks is not my cup of tea I find it a tedious and boring subject#but also. maybe not throwing your students to the wolves for the midterm would have been nice#literally all my other classes are kind of difficult but at least the teacher wants you to succeed#my networks professor doesn't necessarily want to fail us but he also does not do ANYTHING to ensure students will do well#or to ensure that we're actually learning for that matter#I'm just exhausted
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hello, I was wondering If you have the gas station build on your gallery or If it's completely deleted?
Hey. I'm gonna start crying because the process of moving blogs didn't go smoothly AT ALL. I lost almost all of my builds posts - like... for good. And even my former main blog went completely vanished, all the posts I saved just disappeared from my dash, and now I have a bug on my linking page as well… I even contacted support to help me
But regarding your question, all of my builds are safe, either on the gallery or over here. This is the shortcut to my SFS Build Folder. It's linked on my B&B Resource page as well.
#sorry for the venting#i'm just exhausted#i had that blog since 2012 and now it seems like part of me if gone#i was extra careful#but did one stupid thing and boom#all i wanted was a fresh restart#and now i have it#thanks becky
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I MISSED YOU HELLO HI OMG OMG
HI I MISS YOU TOO AND ILY BAHUT SARA
#I'm not back per say but for few mins#hru how's everything how are we surviving currently#prachi beloved#I'm just EXHAUSTED
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Oh my god I'm so tired
#between my body and my brain#I'm just exhausted#been in pain for 3 days straight#cried for hours yesterday for no real reason#I'm just wiped
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goddamn i am so sick of seeing shit about how tiktok is getting banned like 1. how many times are we going to have this conversation 2. under every. single. post. mentioning the words "tiktok" and "ban" together, there's a hundred ""experts"" who start spouting misinformation about both tiktok and douyin based off their half-remembered recollection of an article they read a year ago
#blu speaks#seriously every time i end up wanting to reply/comment to correct them but i don't up doing it#because too many people have the same misconceptions#it's not worth it to try and correct someone everytime i see it#i'm just exhausted#today i saw someone claim that no young people use douyin and it's the chinese equivalent of facebook#bruh
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