#i'm just exhausted

[midorikawawas]

If I had a nickel for every time I've lived through a national blackout where there's no electric power in all the 24 states in Venezuela, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's not weird that it happened twice, since VENEZUELA IS AN AUTHORITARIAN REGIME AND THIS IS ONE OF THE WAYS THEY PUNISH PEOPLE.

[popcorn-plots]

editing some fics on Ao3 because it gives me something to do and takes way less energy than writing a new one.

edited:

pretend

in her gentle care

touch my soul and hold my hand

only the important things

salt and pepper

waiting for you, for time and all eternity

wishful winning

[princescar]

Writing while I'm in between moving and while I'm away from my son (read: tablet)

[yourfavouritetasha]

I'm a stereotype and the urge to quit the PhD nonsense and become apiarist is really strong

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Things I have learned over the past eight weeks:

90% of my anxiety is OCD based. I latch onto a thought and can't let it go and just keep getting more and more anxious.

Having adequate information helps with that a ton, but boy are people reluctant to give you any information about anything.

Not having adequate information leads to google deep dives which leads to more confusion and questions which leads to increased anxiety which leads to further rumination which leads to panic attacks.

The second any medical professional clocks onto the fact that OCD is a factor they just fully stop listening to you and decide you're crazy and stop giving you any information at all. Also they will lie to you outright to try to "manage" your anxiety for you. This does not help.

Nurses are 1,000 times better than 99% of doctors out there at doing their job patiently and with kindness while actually assisting.

When things are already sensitive, lidocaine hurts a lot until the numbing agent kicks in. Like a bad chemical burn. Not a fun time.

Hydroxyzine makes the crying stop (sometimes) but it doesn't make me tired. The stress relief gummies help with the more mild stuff.

Doctors really really want to push daily medication instead of addressing the actual issue. And a lot of the time in trying to convince you they will just wind up insulting you and hurting your feelings.

Ear seeds don't really do much, but they are pretty.

Baking soda baths are superior to Epsom salt baths in every way.

[betty-bourgeoisie]

For those who were following last nights conversation, the search term I was actually looking for was "Christian Zionism". I don't know why that had to be so hard.

[elegyofthemoon]

life stuff

hmmmm something in me the last two weeks has wanted nothing but to destroy things and if not that then to just go sleep for a while

tbh i think last week genuinely was my last straw. i think it's time for me to leave for something else. i'm tired of not really enjoying life and always waiting for that Jump in joy that reaching a milestone and watching each day go by so easily that i don't remember them, being too focused on a future uncertain

i want to live. thats really it. this - whatever this is - it isn't living. i love being a student and i do love learning, but i don't think this was ever cut out for me. i've prided myself so much in being so because it meant helping others, and i'll always be someone who wants to help others some way or another, but maybe this isn't my path to help others.

there's other things i can do that i might enjoy a bit more. but i think more than anything right now i just want to focus on myself - reconnect with the self that i had lost by draining myself for this dream. i want to find things that make me happy and pursue it. it might not be something my folks would be happy about, but what's life without disappointing others to make a place for yourself? if i spent so long trying to make a place for others, its about time i ought to show myself that same kindness and choose to live.

my mom's coming to visit this weekend because she's been hearing a lot about how pained i've been and just how stressed i am about the situation. it's going to be my break weekend where i don't really do a lot of work and we're gonna go enjoy sightseeing and going around the city and even go to a football match. i want to enjoy it to the fullest and reconnect with myself and live. but ... i kinda want to break the news to her that i think i need to stop before i break myself further. i'm tired of this dream. i miss living and being in the present. i miss the small joys in life like the sun or the flowers. even now all of that doesnt bring me joy anymore. its hard. and i'm scared because i've had this conversation before with her that i don't think i can go on, only to be met with "you just have to bite your tongue and do it." if i bite any harder, there'd be blood everywhere.

i have some hope though. the last call we had she said something like "if medicine wasnt meant for you FUCK medicine!" and that made me happy to hear but there's a difference between a voluntary choice of leaving vs being kicked out. i think if i said a voluntary choice, she would throw a fuss and say im giving up so easily. as though such a choice was easy for me to choose when i spent my entire life building up to this dream - sacrificing a lot of my own life, relationships, etc - in order to get here.

but it's the final day of the first month of the year, and i don't need another month of all the heartbreak that the entirety of last year had given me. i don't need to feed it further.

[fishparasite]

too tired to do anything but scroll through tumblr. just well rested enough to type out my bullshit

[pallas-cat]

thinking about how a fuckton of human rights watch organizations are confirming that women's rights are being set back accross the world right now and how ppl here are this close to saying that feminism is cringe and over

[magalhaessims]

hello, I was wondering If you have the gas station build on your gallery or If it's completely deleted?

Hey. I'm gonna start crying because the process of moving blogs didn't go smoothly AT ALL. I lost almost all of my builds posts - like... for good. And even my former main blog went completely vanished, all the posts I saved just disappeared from my dash, and now I have a bug on my linking page as well… I even contacted support to help me

But regarding your question, all of my builds are safe, either on the gallery or over here. This is the shortcut to my SFS Build Folder. It's linked on my B&B Resource page as well.

[buried-in-stardust]

goddamn i am so sick of seeing shit about how tiktok is getting banned like 1. how many times are we going to have this conversation 2. under every. single. post. mentioning the words "tiktok" and "ban" together, there's a hundred ""experts"" who start spouting misinformation about both tiktok and douyin based off their half-remembered recollection of an article they read a year ago

[naptownchris]

My mind is racing with all sorts of things I want to share with you (yes, you). At the same time, I'm so tired that I can't latch on to any of them, and that's leaving me annoyed with myself.

[aromanticmina]

why did half of the conversations I heard today were about romantic relationships and sex I'm literally so exhausted.

[mojoomojojo]

You did a great job tonight, sugar, we're all very proud of you. Go get some well deserved rest

oh good! oh good i'm glad iwas good! i'm all clean now, i cleaned up and everything! i'm kinda a little bit-- but m-- no, i'm so tired now-- m gonna go to bed, oh i'm so glad i was good i tried so hard, thank you so so so so much, oh i'm glad i was good thank you

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Oh my god I'm so tired

[schattenmagier]

// I liiiiiiiiive! Sorry that I’m kinda absent the past days ^^ 

My work has changed from bike delivery to delivering with car (I’m a mailcarrier) and so I had to change the workbase, and the one I am in now is further away, which means I couldn’t get home before 6pm. And I was tried, and couldn’t get myself to be here for replies and stuff. I’m not sure how things are going form here on, because work isn’t getting easier, but I guess I will be mostly online on sunday and my free day if I get the time. (I work on saturdays too that’s why weekend is sunday for me) So I’m sorry for everyone waiting for replies! I will try to get to drafts soon, but I can’t promise anything because I’m super tired from this week. Also it’s my brothers b-day and I need to be there.

Edit: Also my internet is down most of the time, or very very slow, so that’s also not making things easier