#i'm in my junior year of high school and it's kinda kicking my ass a little bit

[monsata]

2- 1001

Today's album: Alanis Morrisette - Jagged Little Pill (1996)

Another album where i know all the singles by heart, but had never heard the whole album all the way through, and I'm actually kinda mad at myself for that fact, to be honest.

This album brought me right back to junior high/high school, for good and ill. A weirdly large amount off memories seen to have one of the songs on this album as a part of the background, but then again it was pretty ubiquitous (33 MILLION copies sold worldwide, the singles were fucking EVERYWHERE).

Also, i don't think I've heard Head Over Feet since the late 90s and damn if that isn't one of the prettiest "i didn't think i wanted to be in love" songs out there.

I'm pretty sure I could have gotten a solid jump start on healing from some personal trauma had i heard "Perfect" ~28 years ago (which almost had me ugly-crying at work with how close to home it hit). Also holy shit, this album is almost 30 years old. Time ever marches onward, huh.

But yeah, every song on this album kicks ass to some degree, from the anxiously triumphant Right Through You to the beaten-down and traumatized yet still hopeful Forgiven, every track shines in its own way. There's no "polished singles mixed in with dull refuse" here, everything is solid and tight.

Favorite Track: There are a serious number of contenders here, but i think it's gonna be a tie between You Learn (the lyrics are every bit as true now as they were in '95, and goddamn that bass line is so smooth yet still funky as all hell) and Hand In My Pocket (the contradictory lyrics mixed with the overall sense of "things CAN still get better, god damn it, even if we have to drag them kicking and screaming" is basically "every day existence in the 2020's").

Least Favorite Track: ...i don't really have one?

Nothing on this album stands out as noticeably worse than anything else, which is honestly amazing. Every song could have been a single just as much as any other. This is a perfect album.

But, if i have to have a least favorite, I'll just say Ironic, and that's not a fault of the song as much as it is a condemnation of the radio industry in the 90s for playing it incessantly for like 5 years straight.

[strang3lov3]

My native language is turkish!! I give so much info about myself that I’m extremely worried about my friends stumbling upon your acc and finding out who I am 😭😭😭 they’re as much of a freak as I am so it’s possible lol

your best friend sounds dangerous but so fun lol why did he shit on someone’s dick to avenge you tho WHAT DID YOU DO?????

I ALWAYS PLAY AS YOSHI!!!!!! he’s my fav character😭 sometimes when i feel especially fem i play as peachie i love her so much!!!

my birthday is in january and i would actually die if you wrote something for me🥺🥺🥺🥺 every single fic of yours feels like a gift😭😭😭 (i cant help it i love being cheesy)

-feral anon<3

hiiiii babeyyyyy ♡

haha!! i feel that anxiety sooo hard. i'm so worried about people i know irl trying to find my fics, and i beg them not to go looking because they'll only be disgusted. or turned on. idk which is worse tbh. like actually, yesterday i confessed to my sister about writing fic and the what exactly i write and she was like jesus christ...my little sister??!! i was like i beg you, please don't go looking and she was like i don't think we'll ever stumble upon each other on tumblr or ao3. same deal with my actual best friend, she's a big fic reader but told me the other day if we were in the same fandoms, she'd absolutely block my ass LMAOOO

but like it is kinda difficult to keep it a secret? gosh it idk if it's silly but tumblr/writing is a very big significant of my life. it really is! i've made such special connections on here and there's been a lot of very big ups and downs. very big. i wish i could be honest with all the closest people in my life and tell them how much i've grown as a writer and all the beautiful things that've come out of this blog but i can't :(

the other best friend you're talking about is absolutely very dangerous and also fun. he is a fuckingggg trip but he has a generous heart and i stayed with him for a week when i was kicked out at 16 and hhhh i'm emotional about it

AND LET ME TELL YOU OKAY IT'S NOT WHAT I DID but okay here's the story anyway: junior year of high school, i'm with my now-fiance for 6 months ish at this point? and there was this awful guy who had a thing for me and would flirt with me and would not take no for an answer and started to get nasty with my partner?? would like shoot him dirty looks and even tripped him in a hallway. he was just...ugh. incel vibes. but also bisexual. i'm pretty sure if you went on the instagram page @/beam_me_up_softboi he'd be there in screenshots.

so i told my best friend this and just like how upsetting it all was. i think nothing of it. i go to another friend's birthday party one night, and my best friend is also supposed to be there but he was late. like super late. and he showed up with his cheeks all blushy and he pulled me aside and he was like "i fucked him, and i shit on his dick. i did it for you." and like???? HELLOOO??? YOU DID NOT???? I DID NOT ASK YOU TO DO THIS FOR ME????? and he was like mhm yes i did. i was aghast. to say the least.

ANYWAY HAHAH!! you're another yoshi babe!! I think all the best people play as yoshi ♡ i always play as peach!

youuuuuuuu cheeseball 🧀 i love you. and i love cheesiness too hehe but get your request to me asap, sweetheart! i'd love to write you something special and feral, just like you

many many kisses and hugs to you!!

[moonsmittenvioletta]

A few things from a little thing I was working on for fun yesterday!! Her name is Kytal <3 <3

11/17/19

[seancamerons]

Ships to get your opinion on - Degrassi :) Jay and Manny Joey and Caitlin Ashley and Jimmy Marco and Dylan Paige and Alex

jay and manny so we start with jay and manny and i'm saying this honestly i actually was in an rp on a message board in like 05 06 and i crackshipped the hell out of them. i had this whole story where circa season 5 manny and jay kind of used each other to get their love interests of the time's jealous. it didn't work since they fell for each other but then fast forward season 7 comes along and what's a new couple? jay and manny. i felt like maybe idk kinda pissed. sure it started out as a sham relationship like i remember but then it ended up working out. so my first impression of them wasn't really great. i was hoping it go in a different direction. at the time i was gunning for emma/jay also, i liked cranny too much at the time. i ended up writing a fanfiction called backtrack where my full plan was for a cranny endgame but i ended up backing out of it when i really started to ship them after writing their (almost) breakup. shortly after, i legit re-watched and fell in love with janny and found them super adorable and i love how he believed in her and her gift of acting when her asshat of a drama teacher and boyfriend mick was verbally absuing her.

jay was the first boyfriend who really appreciated the hell out of manny and was good to her and did a lot of things to help her advance her career and do what she loves and he loves doing it because he makes her legit happy. i find them awesome and i can't believe my salty ass didn't love them all the while! things change and so do opinions and i imagine they're still together today. possibly engaged and happy. he has his own garage and manny has a semi- successful career possibly. joey and caitlin growing up as a teen i didn't know who they were but that they had to be together when i watched for the first time.

i got curious and i looked into their history and started watching their early days but i can't really remember what i liked about them then, i'm actually doing a degrassi junior high/high rewatch with my boyfriend (who is a first time watcher) and we haven't reached that chapter yet.

i personally like jaitlin and used to think they were gonna get married. the older i get the less i think that's the case. yes, they were robbed. yes kevin smith got in the way. but we also have to remember a lot changes when your high school sweetheart is also a journalist/reporter and joey who owns a used car lot has his life pretty much rooted and caitlin never really grew her own it wouldn't be fair to caitlin to always be gone and joey to be at home. they were doing two totally different things in their life. she bought his house but that didn't mean that would put a bandaid on all their problems. let's face it, caitlin loves joey and she wanted to give their relationship a chance because she loved him and joey was still kicking himself for their big breakup in 1992? because it was his fault. then he moved on but 'never really left'. of course he missed her and felt guilty. that doesn't mean they should be together, he hurt her and burned her trust. maybe that's another struggle caitlin has in relationships because of her true heartbreak with joey? maybe that's a stretch but she finally found the JERKIEST OF JERKS to be her fiance. caitlin as a adult is a mess but she really loved joey and she figured years later the best they could do for each other is to be friends. i guess spike and caitlin got close after high school and joey and snake remained close but it didn't seem like they crossed paths until the big reunion so seeing her for the first time in almost 10 years scared him. did he really think she'd be still burning angry at him but he was definitely uncomfortable with the notion of caitlin getting engaged to somebody who wasn't him. his words didn't match his body language of someone who was 'over' it. they even joked about their failed engagement at spike and snake's wedding and dare i say they were totally flirting. it seemed like maybe they could've been more. in their case no matter how many arrangements, flights, videos and visits their relationship is never gonna work the way it did when they were just two kids attending degrassi. when you grow up, you tend to grow apart for better or for worse and these two were headed for the altar but we all know how this ended up. for a long time joey longed (and most guys his age) feel like high school was some of the best times of their lives and also the worst.

i know they badly wanted it to work, and were having a good run at being a long distance relationship and while their fight was kind of lazy writing but ultimately i think they dropped the ball with jaitlin because why bring them back if they were gonna break them up again? i always used to use that as my i love jaitlin argument that they were each others first loves that doesn't always equate to true love i have a special place for them even though i'm not so keen on thinking they'd ever reunite. if i were in joey's shoes i'd move on. i can't help but wonder has caitlin given up on finding a lasting relationship after that jesse/ellie debacle. i think caitlin is lost but she still deserves to find someone even though i believe that joey will likely move on, marry, date whatever that girl who he moved with but i don't know if he'd ever forgive himself for what happened with caitlin but it's kind of realistic unfortunately they didn't last forever. i recall being super super angry when i was 14 'cause it kind of gave me hope that all those years could go by and you can cross paths with an ex boyfriend or former flame and it still won't work out. some people who are exes should just stay apart. too long didn't read? i used to believe that joey and caitlin could be together and endgame, i mean why bring em back if they were just gonna break 'em up? then adulthood happened. ashley and jimmy alrighty so as a young teen i thought they and spaige were like the epitome of high school romance and they'd be together forever. back when eight months seemed like an eternity lol but their second whirl at a relationship after their brutal break up ended and that should've been their end or after the first split at ashley's party. remember when she wrote their breakup in a sad gothic twist in his YEARBOOK. what about how he was creeped out instead of intrigued by her 'love song'. either way, despite everything she comes back to town and instead they go out for a third time i found it underwhelming. back then i wanted them to work out but they bored me to death quite frankly in seasons 6 and 7 . in rewatches they were constantly bickering and didn't seem to have much in common aside from the same friend group. i used to like them and i'm not sure why they were that readymade ship that we introduced to early on but back then everything was so serious now we know different. plus ashley was devoid of personality and was simply jimmy's transportation when he was wheelchair bound. then the final straw you know the whole cd thing the show dragged out their break up for too long. marco and dylan so i like marco and marco and dylan isn't fair to marco.

we all kind of knew it wasn't gonna last right? i mean dylan is significantly older than marco and graduated when marco was a sophomore or something but then he cheated on marco and pretty much broke his heart. i didn't think dylan was into or invested in the relationship as much as marco was. marco was in love.

lets face it tho it's not like marco had any other choices. dylan was the only gay guy in the show so for all intens if he was gonna fall for someone it'd be him.

it's hard to watch marco and dylan because dylan reminds me of my first love who was always jerking with my feelings. long story short we were never like officially official but he'd come around right when i thought i had moved on, play with my emotions and leave me again. it went on a few years before i finally gave up on him and ceased communication. i guess that's a bias but it just gives me this impression that i cared way more about that person than he did of me and it rings true for marco and dylan who ran away to be on a hockey team and leave poor marco with the fall out. not a good guy. paige and alex i really don't ship paige and alex.

i guess if were talking teams i'm team alex she worked hard at the relationship and paige was cruel and hurtful to alex. alex was highkey invested and paige didn't care about alex period. if she did care about alex, she had a shoddy way of showing it.

she was always dogging her. making her feel like nothing or dirt or she didn't have a future all those sort of comments and alex looked after paige and she does one thing paige doesn't like? newsftlash paige can't get what she wants all the time she goes bitchin and always saying mean things to alex. paige was cruel and would really say some awful shit. alex isn't a punching bag and didn't deserve that. near the end sure alex could've helped paige more with that job and didn't have to wear the dress or didn't even do what she told paige she'd handle but i don't like that paige priortizes her shit over alex's shit. i really disliked how paige treated alex who she really liked and dated for a time. i truly hope alex found love in ajax that wasn't like whatever the relationship she had with paige that was pretty much shit. she didn't deserve that idc what people say that was such a horrible relationship and a bad example of how couples should treat one another

Send me a ship and I'll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it

[shih-coulda-had-it]

Sorahiko is a jealous dad with his sunflower son's friends and Nana is trying to calm him down, I'm completely sure that happened 👀👀

/rubs hands slowly/ This might necessitate Sorahiko wanting to bond with Toshinori, anon. For all we know, he might have approved Toshinori lone-wolfing it at the beginning. He certainly doesn’t think that way by the time we reach the Shie Hassaikai Arc — he was, I think, a factor in Izuku’s internship?? Don’t quote me on that — but I wouldn’t put it past Sorahiko to think that teenager Toshinori shouldn’t drag people into his ‘delusions of grandeur.’

Anyway! This is yet another entry into the NanaLives!AU. For the last bit, just know that Nana survives All for One, fled to the States with Toshinori, and Sorahiko found and adopted Kotarou before joining them.

//

This is the third week in a row that Sorahiko’s found the dumb dandelion-haired brat underfoot at his and Nana’s agency. Yagi is still dressed in his black uniform, the one that clearly marks him as a junior high student, and he looks like any bright, diligent kid. Kenta, the agency’s hapless receptionist, sends Sorahiko a pleading look.

Sorahiko knows it’s not a ‘please get him out of here’ look, because it didn’t even take Yagi a goddamn day to charm the civilian staffers. No, what Kenta is mentally begging Sorahiko for is to not make a snarky comment. 

So what if there aren’t any official rules against civilians in agencies? What if Yagi has wormed his way into Nana’s good graces, to the point where she’s already considering making him her successor?

Doesn’t explain why a student has so much time to spend at a small pro-hero agency. 

“Torino-san!” says the brat cheerfully. He’s carrying a stack of files in his twiggy arms, looking ready to drop it all and assist Sorahiko. “Hi! Oshishou said you were coming in late today!”

Sorahiko squints, bleary. It’s just too many exclamation points for someone who’s just woken up from an afternoon nap. The front door swings shut behind him. Sorahiko hasn’t changed into his gear yet, he’s kinda hungry, and he’s being overwhelmed by a kid who’s taken Nana’s philosophy to heart.

“It’s not a training day for you,” he grunts, and moves forward, brushing unceremoniously past Yagi.

“Every day is training!” Undeterred by Sorahiko’s grouchiness, the brat trails behind and lectures Sorahiko about dedication of all things, and new things oshishou tells me about, I’m learning all the time, I’m so grateful to be here—Sorahiko lets the chatter wash over him, unwilling to cross the line of bullying a child just yet.

“Sky Drop,” Sorahiko says, opening the door into his and Nana’s private office. They used to keep their workspaces separate, and then a month into that, caught each other sneaking out the window (Nana) and snoozing over the paperwork (Sorahiko).

“Oshishou, I have the files!”

Nana looks up from her desk, looking frazzled. “Oh, thank you, Yagi-shonen. Gran Torino, hey, how was the nap?”

“Too short.” Sorahiko watches Yagi bounce to Nana’s desk, hand her the files, and vibrate expectantly in place. Youthful eagerness. It tires Sorahiko just witnessing it, and he makes eye contact with Nana, trying to communicate, ‘I can’t believe this kid.’ She glares at him for a brief second, then turns to Yagi.

“Do you have anything you need to study?” she asks.

“Tests are easy,” the brat says. He scuffs the heel of one sneaker. “I can test, oshishou, but I just don’t like, um…”

“Paperwork?”

Yagi brightens. Ugh, they’re kindred spirits, these two. Sorahiko can’t believe Nana’s letting him get away with the idea that a Pillar of Society isn’t going to have to deal with all the generated paperwork. “Yeah! It’s all in my head, so I’m free to do whatever, oshishou.”

“All in your head,” Sorahiko mimics. Look at that, he is willing to bully a child. Nana can kick his ass later, when the ball of sunshine isn’t setting fire to his dignity. “I can guarantee you, you aren’t ready for the written exam for U.A. Go. Shoo. Come back in five minutes.”

He only adds that last part because Yagi had wilted, drooping at the order to leave like Sorahiko had been responsible for sucking up all the nutrients and will to live, and Sorahiko doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by a thirteen-year-old child.

In any case, Yagi perks up. “Okay! What can I do?”

Fortunately, Nana intervenes. Maybe she could predict that Sorahiko was going to send Yagi out to fetch taiyaki. “There’s a table tennis set in the backroom. It’s at the top of the metal shelves, you can’t miss it. Bring it back here, and I’ll show you a trick for improving hand-eye coordination, okay?”

“Okay!” And off he goes, shooting past where Sorahiko is still lounging against the doorframe. There’s a draft of cold air, and then Sorahiko is finally stepping inside and closing the door. The room isn’t sound-proofed, but they’ve got a solid minute before Toshinori scrounges up the paddles and the elusive white ball. 

Their desks are technically on opposite sides of the room. Sorahiko likes to sit by the door, and terrorize visitors (mostly Commission agents) by standing up when they enter, startling them backwards and unnerving them into honesty. Nana sits in plain-view of the door.

He approaches her desk and leans his hip against the edge. “Why is here,” he asks plaintively. “Doesn’t he have friends?”

“Don’t be a dick,” Nana chides. “You can connect the dots yourself.”

“He had the confidence to pester you.”

“Sorahiko,” she says, stern.

“Nana,” he whines. Sorahiko might be losing heart in this argument, because he can connect the dots. The dots are telling him that he’s being an asshole to a previously Quirkless teenager. “I can only deal with one extrovert at a time.”

“You’ll get attached to him,” Nana says with great confidence. She’s been saying this for the past three weeks; the novelty of Nana having an apprentice has worn off, and now Sorahiko is even more confused as to why Recovery Girl took the position as U.A.’s school nurse. Nana leans forward and pokes his elbow. “You got attached to me, after all.”

“Hm.”

“I think he’ll make lots of friends at U.A.,” she adds, with less confidence.

“Hm,” Sorahiko hums again. It’s likely. U.A. usually feels like the chance to start over a social life; the influx of students outside of Musutafu meant new faces. But Sorahiko knew better than most that old habits died hard; years after graduation, his closest friend is still Shimura Nana, and everyone else (save for Chiyo, who was more willing to ally with Nana and force him into socializing) remains at arms’ length.

“Found you!” Yagi’s exultant cry travels through the whole agency. Sorahiko resigns himself to Yagi’s effusively loud existence, and Nana pats his wrist.

“If you needle him about overstaying his welcome, I’ll kick your ass,” she reminds him pleasantly.

“When you go on full maternity leave, I’m the one stuck with him,” Sorahiko shoots back.

“I will make Yagi-shonen run so many errands…” She sounds wistful, as if the prescribed rest from work hasn’t been haunting her for days. “When I can’t bend over and get the tea from the bottom shelf, I’ll just tell Yagi-shonen to help this poor pregnant lady, oh, her gigantic stomach…”

The joke works; Sorahiko doubles over in laughter.

//

Yagi Toshinori does not make any close friends through high school. Instead, he spends more and more time at the agency, helping with the reports and patrols, desperate to ease the burdens weighing Nana and Sorahiko down.

“He’s supposed to have a childhood,” Nana mutters. They’ve made a stop at the rooftop, and she is staring blackly at the blue and pink neon glow of the city. “He’s—supposed to be irresponsible, and goofing off with friends, and getting terrible grades as a consequence for not studying.”

Sorahiko studies the passing cars, and he keeps his mouth shut.

Toshinori’s constant presence at the office helps. He’s a quick study at paperwork, for all that he professes to hate it, and just having him there lightens the mood. They’ve tried kicking him out for his own good, pointedly reminding him about the necessity of networking and downtime. And like clockwork, he shows up the next day.

It soothes something in Nana to see her successor, hale and hearty. Sorahiko can appreciate Toshinori for that.

“He does talk to his classmates, right? You’d know if he was being bullied?”

Sorahiko rolls his eyes. “You think I would keep that from you? His classmates worship the ground he walks on. He’s just standoffish, I guess.”

“Oh no,” Nana grieves. “Of all the things he learned from you, Sorahiko.”

“From me?” he says, outraged.

“I know I told him to make friends!” she continues. “God, maybe if we weren’t operating outside the Hero Association’s purview, he’d bring them to the agency, and he could finally brag about his experiences working with us…”

“He’s fine, Nana. I think—” his throat seizes for a second. I think he knows he has to be All Might alone. It’s true, but Sorahiko doesn’t need to rub the fact in Nana’s face. If entering U.A. is like wiping your social slate clean, then entering the pro-hero workforce is like exchanging your life for an entirely new tablet. Sorahiko’s luckier than most that Nana was willing to cling right back, and that Chiyo demanded to be their GP.

“You think,” Nana prompts.

“Toshinori’s as emotionally-balanced as any teenager can be,” Sorahiko says. “Don’t mess with his social life until we’re out of the clear.”

//

This isn’t a conversation Nana thought she’d be having with Sorahiko, of all people. But he’d been biting poor David Shield’s head off during dinner, and even Kotarou has caught onto the inexplicable animosity. Fortunately, Kotarou takes his cues towards strangers more from his adopted big brother than Sorahiko.

Toshinori is looking at her in askance, when Nana decides David’s suffered enough and politely excuses herself and Sorahiko from the table.

“We’ll be back with dessert,” she reassures the kids. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No kissing,” says Kotarou petulantly. “You always forget the time when you’re kissing tou-chan.”

Nana fake-gasps, smiling even as she scolds. “Kota! Not in front of guests. You wouldn’t want me telling Dave what happened the first time I took you flying, would you?” Kotarou reddens like a tomato, and mimes zipping his mouth. Ah, a Sorahiko-tic. Her heart warms.

“It’s okay,” Dave says.

“Yes, it would be nice to gain information, wouldn’t it, Dave?”

She grabs Sorahiko’s wrist and marches him to the kitchen. He goes willingly, but Nana knows he’s just shot one more suspicious glare over his shoulder. And when they’re standing in the kitchen, ostensibly retrieving the ice cream bucket and assorted bowls and spoons, Sorahiko crosses his arms and scrunches his face into a scowl.

“What is with you?” she whispers.

“Look at him!” Sorahiko whispers back, gesturing at his face. “He’s a smarmy little prick trying to figure out what’s behind All Might!”

“He’s asking very normal things, as expected from very normal engineering students,” says Nana. “You remember the Support students. David isn’t being any more invasive than they are.”

“He’s Californian.” The disdain drips from Sorahiko’s voice. “He’s obsessed with bodybuilders in the spotlight, like that, that one governor they had—”

“What, was he eyeing you too?”

Sorahiko dismisses her attempted derailing. “The boy’s ogling Toshinori like a piece of meat, he’s not going to look at some old-timer.”

“It’s a mutual attraction,” says Nana, certain of this, at least. “I think Toshinori likes nerds.”

He makes a face.

“He gets that from me,” adds Nana mischievously, and she leans in to kiss the affectionate outrage off Sorahiko’s face.

[lifviakaza]

The Bullies

I was bullied the first 3-4 years in Primary School. Not sure why tho. I guess it's because my sister went to the same school and she's a very talkative, opinionated gorgeous little girl and many ppl hated and were afraid of her? Not sure, really. But I remember one day I came to school with a flooded chair and desk (yeah, God knows what kinda water they used to do it). Anyways, I didn't cry, just stood in front of the door waiting for a teacher to save the day.

Fortunately, my sister saw me first and asked what happened so I had no choice but to tell her the truth. And yeah, obviously, she went mad and did the same thing to all of the girl trouble makers and they cried :)

I don't remember much about my childhood, well basically any past activities even from a year ago yet I can clearly create some most beautiful and worst events from the past if they're very much significant in my brain.

Long story short, for some reason, these little girl bullies moved to another area pretty far away from my hometown leaving me and 5 other male students and 1 other female pupil that made us a group of 7. It was our 4th year at school and that was the beginning of my "Ketua Geng" moment leading all these boys. Like seriously, I was bullied so badly, I became the bully when they left. Me and the boys ended up bullying the one and only other female student in our class and also some juniors that didn't follow what I asked them to do like climbing a tree, being teased by us, etc.

Leveling up to junior high school, I didn't have all the boys with me anymore. No one taught me how to make friends, I guess everyone was busy with their own things or maybe I just don't remember those family moments so much. I made some friends anyway, don't know how. I also realized that I loved learning! I joined some organizations, courses, extracurriculars and so on. It just came naturally. I think it's because my cousin who's much older than me and are very well educated and she always brought me some books to read every day, from Bobo, novels, or just other kinds of books and most of the times I spent my days alone taking care of our small family shop. I wasn't bullied in junior high. I would say I became friends with everyone even to the 'minorities', one-two people who barely have their own 'gank'. They even reported to me if they're being bullied by someone, and I'd kick these bullies' asses and you know, their 'thing', cincayo:) These guys were afraid of me, "What kind of girl are you?! So mean!!" said one boy bully.

"WHAT? You ask that question to yourself, ass****! You punched a girl. Let's go to a shop and buy some bras for you. Tomorrow, wdys??"

LOL I was that brave, yeah. I was only afraid of my mum cz she liked to shout when scolding her children every time we made mistakes, and I, I don't like being yelled at, I don't like loud ppl and places, it drains my energy~

Talking about loud ppl, places, crowds, and others, I could freeze in the moment and just feel sick plus so so deeply saddened. Now that I've grown, when I see some kids being treated not the way 'real parents'/friends/family r supposed to treat them, I feel so hurt myself sometimes I end up crying in the bathroom or just inside my heart. I know, it might sound strange but it is what it is (:

So, why am I writing about this? Today there's a special teen in my class. He acts and talks differently (compared to the others ofc), he loses focus so fast, etc Then, there were 2 female teen bullies who laughed every time he spoke / acted 'funny'. It was a verbal insult in Russian, I could see the special kid's face and gestures were off every time he was being laughed at. The worse part is that his 'normal' twin sister was also in the same group witnessing her brother being insulted, bullied, whatnot.

I don't speak Russian, anyway, I'm paid very well because of this as I'm teaching English using full English. So I didn't know what to say, or do. I have some experiences teaching special kids before but it was in Indonesia, and it's just several different cases. I just decided to scold those girls again and again, kept on reminding them that there's nothing funny or weird about him.

At one point they were just over the line and I got so so mad, "What's so funny guys? Stop saying those words. That's SO not nice and SO uncool. I don't teach bullies. Stay here and be respectful or get out!"

Not sure they completely got me tho, but the bullies went silent and lazily did the rest of the activities.

After the class, the twins' mum unexpectedly visited me in my room asking how her children were doing so I told her the truth except for the bullying things as I still want to see the next meeting if the girls will change or not. "He's very smart. He's pronunciation is on point. However, he barely could focus so I needed to look him in the eyes and clearly instructed him every time we had an activity/exercise etc. The twin is also a fast learner, very cheerful, everything was under control."

Idk what the mum has gone through having a couple of beautiful twins with a gifted gorgeous boy. But she seems so caring and kind and she wants the best for her children. She wants the boy to have all the same experiences that the girl has; go to the same school, get the best English lessons, have some nice friends--and of course, not being excluded or worse, bullied.

I'm not a mum or a parent. But if you are, and you're reading this, please bear in mind that it's your responsibility to educate your children about different values, cultures, types and characters of people. Children swiftly copy repeated actions they see, witness, experience over and over again. SO, if your kids are bullies, there's a huge chance that they picked it up from you or it could be because they don't get enough attention and affection at home so they spend most of their times in some wrong environment and being shaped by it. I don't know, not a psychologist.

"If you're loved, have enough amount of love from your closest circles. It won't be that difficult to share it and respect others even though they're different."

Shall we be kinder today?

_ K A I

[over-grown-emo-kid]

So I've been away for a while

I don't have a big following but I figured I would update anyone who cares. Also sorry for spelling mistakes.

I've been really depressed lately. Worse than freshman year than high school at times, but not as bad at the time I had to talk my way out of being instutionalized. Yeah lets not go into that, I really don't remember mot of that time but I kind of talked about it during a rant about people being shitty towards Rei Todoroki (yeah I know that's kinda odd but here's the link to the post.) The mix of school stress (changing majors at the end of junior year and still maybe being able to graduate at most a semester late), having a terrible job, relationship issues, and a mix of financial issues has really kicked my ass for a couple of months. Like to the point I didn't charge my switch for three months (my villagers were really upset adn I felt bad for missing some bdays) and have been too depressed to smoke weed. Which literally makes no sense, no one believes me when I saw that but like smoking to sleep or for anxiety is a form of self-care I just couldn't preform for myself. If that makes sense?

I upped my mood stabilizers which has kinda helped. I finally found a new therapist after not having one for a little over a year, and Jordan is great I really appreciate how much she cares. Especially the time I had an emergency meeting with her. I've kind of been forcing myself to do things I like again. Writing more, reading more, playing video games again, ect. I've started forcing myself to eat better again, I've was borderline vegetarian before this really long episode and it made me feel really good physically and mentally. It's only been maybe a week since I got back into that habit but it does feel good.

I've also started to try to eat at least two meals a day. That's also been really hard. I think a lot of the hygiene stuff will come later. But Jordan thinks I'm doing a good job with how I'm managing right now and the small acts of self care I'm trying to do. Which feels really good to know. Pro tip: if you can't get yourself to shower but feel gross, baby wipes really help. It's not perfect but baby wipes and a warm/soapy wash clothe really goes a long way.

So I'm going tp try and post more since I really like being active online but I just haven't had the energy too. I hope y'all understand! Thank you!

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.