#i'm gonna go do that right now actually lol
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my list of hunger distractions:
watch a movie. I've been watching a looot of movies recently to avoid going to the kitchen
watch anything actually. I love to watch ed wieiad. but also I like watching Mukbangs or literally anything. (anyone else love the broski report...)
Cleaning. It's easy to forget about hunger when cleaning. Organizing my bedroom can take hours so its very time consuming. Things like doing dishes or scooping the litter box are so gross that they make me lose my appetite.
Going for a walk. Getting AWAY from the food is nice. And walking burns cals so its a win-win.
Taking a shower. If I have to look at my n4ked figure.... I'm not gonna want to eat anymore
Cooking/baking. this seems so counterintuitive. But if I make something for my family, I get the fun of preparing food and I can use it as an excuse to not eat.
Homework. I always have homework to do. If I can get into the rhythm of studying then Ill forget about my hunger.
sleep. can’t eat if you're unconscious.
Scroll on Tumblr/Pinterest. Th1nsp0 and M34lsp0 is all over my feeds which makes me want to not eat
Games. I've been playing Dress to Impress because I'm basic asf, but its so fun and the characters are kinda th1nsp0.... I also really like animal crossing. And it animal crossing I can make my character eat fruit which kinda subsides my hunger in some weird way.
Making playlists. Making new playlists. Changing playlist names or photo covers. I love organizing my Spotify account, its so fun.
Shopping. Online and irl. Going out and shopping can be a fun day activity even if you don't buy anything, I also like to use it as an excuse to lie to my parents "Oh I ate while I was out so Im not hungry". And walking around burns cals. I like seeing clothes I'm gonna wear when I get thinner, its good motivation.
Working out. I really want to start going for more runs again. My family is renevating our basement right now, but when it’s done I can do body weight workouts again & we have a rowing machine which is my fav thing ever. Also I figure skate, which is a great way to burn cals and Ana is so so normalized within the community lol
Plan. I've discovered that you are allowed to plan fake events. It’s so fun to plan random outings.
Read. I love a good book.
bedrotting. I looooove a good bedrot reach. Just lay down (I like to have my stuffed animals 🎀) and doomscroll until you forget
scroll on tumblr,twitter,Pinterest. So much good m3alsp0 and th1nsp0. Literally crushes my appetite.
playing instruments. I play guitar and piano.
#ed but not ed sheeran#tw ana bløg#tw restriction#light as a feather#tw 3d vent#tw skipping meals#anadiet#ed dieta#tw ana rant#tw ed ana
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Introducing The Kings to Your Plushies
me and my bestie have a joke about my faves showing up to my place for sex and i would not realize and just start talking about my plushies based on this dumb post we saw once, thought it'd be funny to turn into an actual scenario lol might do this for the other devils, angels, minhyeok if the ppl are interested lol notes: mildly sexual - not really anything deeply insane, gender neutral reader !!!
Satan
On one hand, he thinks you're really cute. On the other hand, he's here to fuck so.
He's going back and forth so much in his head for a moment he's not even paying attention to you talking oops.
Gets so frustrated and angered from trying to decide what to do it ultimately ends with him just jumping on you.
Cut you off mid word with an incredibly heat filled kiss from rage.
Honestly you might not even 100% be certain what happened but you're not complaining!! You can always talk about the rest of your plushies later!!!
Well. If Satan doesn't fuck you until the point you're resting for the next couple days.
Once he actually pays attention to you talking about them he'll remember some names here and there, but he will get them wrong on purpose to try and see you angry lol.
Mammon
The reality is he probably got you most of these plushies.
He adores seeing how you cherish them and the lore you've decided for them!!
Will remember every single detail you tell him about them!!
He thinks it's super cute and will humor you for the moment.
However, Mammon will get what he wants eventually. But for right now you're so adorable how could he tell you no?
He is DEFINITELY teasing you later once he does get to sleep with you about how cute you are.
This man lives to see you embarrassed and shy from his compliments.
Is probably buying you even MORE plushies now, hope you're prepared for that!
Leviathan
I think it depends at the point in your relationship, if it's early on he might just toss the plushies aside and get to the point of what he wants.
Later on I do think he genuinely listens, even if he's impatient and pretends like he doesn't care. If it's important to you he does care, just doesn't always show it.
Especially if you use the plushies as a form of comfort due to trauma or any other issues.
You won't even realize how much he paid attention until he refers to your plushies by their names if you accidentally leave them laying around.
However he does still get jealous so so easily so maybe try not to spend too much time at once focusing on them rather than him.
He tries so hard but eventually the jealousy will overtake him and he will just get straight to the sex.
For what it's worth, he still found you cute! He just can't help himself.
Beelzebub
I'm not gonna lie, you might be able to successfully distract him for a good bit.
Dude's invested in the names and lore and anything you have created for them!!! He likes hearing about it !!!!
He isn't gonna be able to remember every single bit of these details but he might remember some of it here and there. Either way he likes listening to how you talk about them!
That being said he can only sit still for so long so maybe introduce him a little at a time lmao.
Especially because once he DOES start to get distracted he's gonna remember the original reason he was here.
And well. Yeah just like that it's time to fuck!
Because you successfully distracted him for a bit you might be in store for an extra long session this time so! Good luck!
Lucifer
He listens fully. Wants to hear everything you have to say about them.
He finds the plushies super cute, so he enjoys listening to your ramblings, even if he had certain intentions when he arrived.
But most importantly, he's so endeared, you're so absolutely adorable to him. The way your face lights up when you talk about them, he can't get enough!!!!
So he lets you have your moment.
And when you're finally done is when he's actually gonna fuck you lol. Yeah, that was still happening he had a goal.
And if he's teasing you extra specially tonight, don't even worry about it (whether it be from compliments or degradation who's to say!! just know you're gonna be crying extra hard this time he's so worked up from how cute you are!).
Of course, he remembers every single detail you tell him, he has that shit committed to memory. Asks you questions sometimes to see that adorable look on your face again!
Belphegor
Goodnight.
He tries to pay attention but he's ready to fall asleep apologies.
He showed up for sex and when it wasn't happening his brain turned off.
That being said the second you realize he's asleep and start trying to wake him up he's on you!!
Like okay conversation done we're fucking now right?
It's just easier to give what he wants and lecture him in the process.
It's fine he tries to listen later. That being said if he invites Beleth to listen too don't worry about it. He totally didn't tell him to memorize details for him because he's probably gonna fall asleep again.
Asmodeus
Sorry there's just no way to distract this man from sex.
If he's showing up for sex he's here to for sex !!!!
And he WILL get it!!!
If anything he just starts fucking you while holding up the plushies to you and asking you details about them.
Unfortunately you're kinda too fucked out by that point to truly answer them.
He's a fucking menace apologies.
And he cannot be stopped I fear.
That being said any information he does manage to get out of you he does fully remember!!
It's his own weird way of showing affection, ya know?
#what in hell is bad#whb#whb x reader#whb leviathan#whb satan#whb mammon#whb asmodeus#whb belphegor#whb beelzebub#whb lucifer#what in hell is bad x reader#whb smut
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chapter 165 thoughts
Aqua Hoshigan Status: It's Officially Hoshinover
Chapters Until The Story Ends Without The 143 Kiss Being Addressed Or Acknowledged: 1
damn i guess they really did just kill his ass
I'm gonna be so real with you gamers, I kind of don't have a lot to say about this one either lol. Which I acknowledge sounds completely wild given the Everything that happens in it, but most of my meat and potatoes analysis in these reviews comes from breaking down characterization and we're flying through everything at such breakneck pace that we're barely getting any characterization.
It continues to drive me bugfuck insane that Ai is completely absent from this finale despite the importance of 15 Year Lie. Its imagery is plastered all over but whenever we return to it, we just see Aqua. Not only that, but Gotanda is the one who insists on pushing the movie through for Aqua. 15YL as a story about Ai's true self and her tragedy is now officially taking a backseat to being about Aqua's tragic death and legacy. It was already bad enough that we spent so much time in the Movie Arc not actually focusing on Ai to the extent that, as everyone pointed out, based on what we saw on-page it was basically a Sad Kamiki Movie, but this really is just pissing right in the wound at this point lmao.
The funeral scene also serves as the final nail in the coffin for any Secretly Alive Aqua copes, which is kind of a relief. I still don't like how Aqua's death played out, but I think dragging it out for four chapters then going "sorry you thought i was /srs when i was just /jk" would have been infinitely more insulting. I don't like this ending, but I can respect that Akasaka seems to be sticking to his guns on it, even if we still do have like a whole chapter left for him to whip around and go "I WAS /JK ALL ALONG!!!!" but I don't see it happening.
Anyway, yeah! The funeral! Uh. Is it gonna sound weird if I say I felt kind of like… grossed out reading this the first time? Like, I really don't know how else to explain the visceral "why the fuck is the author making me read this" reaction I had to it. I think it's just because Kana is so fucking distraught here and the drama is just so hammy and so over the top that it feels kind of… ech. I dunno. I just really didn't vibe.
It doesn't help that this is part of a much broader pattern in the back half of OnK of Aka getting us right up close into the gory details of a character's complete mental breakdown and suffering and then spend zero time or focus on their recovery. This happened with Ruby all over the Movie Arc and this many times and with this little runway to the end of the series, it just starts to feel exploitative, like a way to cheaply pull at our heartstrings without doing the work to build everyone back up after tearing them down.
also pre-emptively dreading all the fuel this is going to add to the fires of People Who Are Weird And Misogynistic About Kana but she could die saving innocent children from a burning building and people would find reasons to be shitty about her lmao
we really are not seeing ruby's reaction to finding out her brother was dead huh lol
I will say the one thing I didn't Actively Dislike about this chapter was Ruby, though. I was honestly starting to get pretty skeeved out with how many people were gleefully predicting or actively wishing for her immediate suicide purely for ship motivated reasons and I was also worrying that the story was going to pretend that Ruby doesn't like. Have a life and support system outside of Aqua. Yes, she should absolutely be affected by his death but this period of her shutting down only to drag herself back onto her feet that we seem to be getting feels way more in line with pre-Movie Arc flanderization Ruby and I'll take that W where I can get it.
god. I haven't even talked about Kamiki's supposed serial killer cult. I just don't have the strength. Like… that's self-evidently stupid, right? I don't need to explain to you why that's ridiculous and unbelievable? You don't need me to tell you why it's fucking crazy that we're getting this information about the alleged overarching antagonist of the series not only in the second-to-last chapter of the entire series but after he was already dead, right? We can just move on? Ok good. jesus christ.
FINAL CHAPTER NEXT WEEK…
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BurningCheese/GoldenSpice Playlist
Ok, time to stop being a bitch and post the ship playlist I keep harping on about already.
Gonna mark each song with an emoji to signify if it's meant to either be Burning Spice's POV (🔺) or Golden Cheese's (🧀). It's also going to be band/singer name first, song name second, for ease of understanding
Thank you to everyone who's reached out to me, both on here and on AO3, with song suggestions! A good chunk of these came from me myself, but a lot of people introduced me to plenty more songs that I loved and agreed suited these two perfectly. It's been fun putting a playlist together with this help, it feels like a fun group project now lol. (Hell, you guys are actually helping me think of new writing material. Music is a huge source of inspiration and creativity for me, as I'm sure you've noticed. In a way, you're all indirectly making fic requests lol)
You're all still more than welcome to keep shooting me song ideas to add, the playlist is ever-expanding! I'll just come back to this post and edit any new additions in. (This playlist is 3x longer than my PitayaFire one. I need you all to understand how big of a deal that is for me personally. I never thought I'd be this down bad for a ship besides that one. It's fucking surreal)
Some of it is meant to sound one-sided, others like it's a mutual love/relationship. I'll let you guess which is which lol. Now rock out to Evil Spice Man x Pretty Cheese Lady with me 🤘🤘🤘
Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up🔺
Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care🔺(with the Wild Spice crew as the backup singers!!!)
Mariah Carey - Obsessed 🧀
Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You🔺🧀
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance🔺🧀
Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)🔺
Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?🔺
Britney Spears - Toxic 🧀
Fish in a Birdcage - Rule #34🔺(this is also a great PureShadow song ngl. It's how it was first introduced to me, even lol)
Shayfer James - Filthy Habit🔺
King Gnu - SPECIALZ🔺🧀 (look up the English version of the lyrics. Very BurningCheese-core imo)
Mindless Self Indulgence - This Hurts🔺
Jack Black - Peaches🔺(shout out to the anon in my inbox who suggested this. Joke's on them, I had this on the playlist right from the start lolololololol)
Arctic Monkeys - R U Mine?🔺
Lady Gaga - Poker Face 🧀
Olly Murs (feat. Flo Rida) - Troublemaker 🧀
Rihanna - Where Have You Been🔺(fun fact: I had this playing on a loop as I wrote "Our Little Dance" to get into the Yandere Spice mindset lol)
Lady Gaga - Judas 🧀
Miike Snow - Genghis Khan🔺
The Orion Experience - Obsessed With You🔺(this song is just really funny. You can probably apply it to all Beast x Ancient ships tbh)
Nine Inch Nails - Closer🔺
Mindless Self Indulgence - 5TR82HE11🔺
Air Traffic Controller - This Is Love🔺
Bad Omens - THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND🔺🧀
Isabel LaRosa - favorite 🧀
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch🔺(listen I imagined Spice singing this to Golden and just started howling with laughter, it's fucking hysterical ok)
ENHYPEN - Bite Me🔺
Scissor Sisters - I Can't Decide🔺(GC would sing a few parts tho)
5 Seconds of Summer - Teeth🔺🧀 (mostly Spice though)
Buerak - Культ Тела 🔺(look up English lyrics, very Yandere Spice coded. Thank you to the anon who suggested it)
Tom Lehrer - The Masochism Tango🔺
Lady Gaga - Disease 🧀
G-Eazy (with Halsey) - Him & I🔺🧀
Britney Spears - ...Baby One More Time🔺(imagine Spice singing this while stuck in prison. Please. He's singing and the other Beasts want to off themselves because it's so annoying and he won't stop. Please it is so funny. I have so much fun imagining this freak acting stupid-)
#I just noticed that Spice sings almost all of these LMAOOOOO#BURNING SINGER COOKIEEEEE#also. There is ONE song missing. It's a surprise. I'm using it to make a big fic. Planning on dropping it around Christmas ;)#cookie run kingdom#burning spice cookie#golden cheese cookie#burningcheese#goldenspice#burning spice crk#golden cheese crk
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I'm redoing an entire chapter of my "Grab My Hand and Don't Ever Drop It" fic so here's the original draft lol. It's basically it's own ficlet, where Peter rescues Neal after Neal goes missing. About 800 words.
It was just out of practicality that Peter kept being in situations where he needed to hold Neal Caffrey’s hands. The third time hardly even counted as holding.
It started when his heart fell through his stomach when Mozzie called him one night. “Neal is with you, right?”
“No? He left work around six, I haven’t seen or heard from him since.” It was now going on eleven, Peter had just been finishing up going over the paperwork for the undercover mission they’d done that day. A lawyer had come in accusing the bosses at her attorney’s office of money laundering, and Neal had been sent undercover as her new assistant to do some poking around, track down the trail.
“I just came over, a long day of- nothing actually, but he’s not here. June says he hasn’t come home yet. She also thought he was with you.”
“Damnit. Damnit.” Peter hung up the phone without another word and dialed Diana as he pulled up Neal’s tracking anklet. “Listen Diana, something’s gone wrong for Neal. I’m pulling his tracking data up now, since we didn’t get a call from the marshal’s he must still be inside his radius. I want you to call for backup and send them to this address.” Thank god he put Neal’s tracker back on him when they’d debriefed after the work day. Peter had almost let him go home without it, just in case, but he’d thought there would be less risk in Neal wearing it than not. He thought the lawyers weren’t going to ask him to meet up in the middle of the night, but other people might jump on the opportunity to talk while Neal was off his radius, so keeping tabs on Neal off the clock was supposed to be an overly cautious risk.
Peter was right in one aspect. Neal wasn’t asked.
Peter and his back up found Neal in an abandoned warehouse in Hell’s Kitchen, because of course that’s where it was. The two managing partners for the law office had him gagged and held at gunpoint, watching as Neal made the dye for their printing press and fed it through the machine. The bastards stood there in coats, gloves, and hats while Neal worked in only his suit in the late January cold.
“I knew y-you’d check my t-tracker eventually.” Neal’s teeth chattered as he spoke once Peter pulled the gag from his mouth. “Was j-just killing t-time unt-til then.”
“Mozzie called, told me you weren’t home, that’s when I checked.” Peter said, untying the knotted cloth. “Would’ve been another hour or two before I checked on my way to bed.”
“Always burning the m-midnight oil. Speaking of, I’m r-r-really cold.”
Peter unzipped his coat and wrapped it around Neal’s shoulders before ushering him to his car outside. He cranked the heat on high, pointing the vents at Neal, then taking one of Neal’s shaking hands in his own to hold it up to the heater while also examining it.
Neal hissed at first, instinctively trying to pull his hand away, but Peter held firm to it, rubbing his palm over the back. “Need to warm them up before you get fucking frostbite.”
“Not gonna get frostbi-bite.” Neal argued, shifting in his seat. “Wool suit at least k-kept me from getting hy-hypothermia. Just f-fucking cold.”
“Being fucking cold is the first step to both frostbite and hypothermia.” Peter kept rubbing Neal’s hand between his own, then grabbed the other and repeated the process. “Maybe I should take you to the ER, get you checked out.”
“No. Peter I’m f-fine. Just-just give me ten m-minutes to warm up.”
So, Peter did just that, watching the car clock closely as he switched from rubbing Neal’s left hand to his right and back again. Slowly but surely, Neal’s teeth stopped, he stopped shivering, and his hands went from painfully white to slowly regaining their pink. By the time the ten minutes were up, Peter was satisfied that Neal wasn’t in immediate danger, but like hell he was going to let him out of his sight.
“Call Mozzie, tell him you’re staying at El and mine’s place tonight. You need somewhere warm.”
“June’s is warm Peter,” Neal said, but soft and laced with exhaustion. “I have a bed with blankets and everything.”
“You have fucking grandiose antique windows that I know keep that room ten degrees colder than whatever the thermostat is set to.” Peter gave one last squeeze to Neal’s left hand before letting it go. “I’ll call Elizabeth while you call Mozzie to let him know you're okay. She’ll have soup ready for you. She even has some fresh sourdough from the bakery.”
Neal watched him hesitantly, eyeing Peter over, before softly, “Can you ask her to toast the bread?”
#white collar#neal caffrey#peter burke#it just didn't fit the vibes of the fic well lol it was too inspired by whumptober#i had another idea for a scene that i think will fit the slow burn vibes of the story more#my writing
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'you're too technical' no i'm not!! you're using the wrong phrase and the wrong words and equivalating two things that are nearly complete opposites and/or irrelevant to each other !!
#just me hi#do not tell me a thing and then use forms of speech that don't align i will mentally explode and sit silently for 15 minutes hvfbhs#/'you're talking back' YOU are using IRRELEVANT information as LEVERAGEEEEEE#sure you know a lot. but you are making my brain funkin ITCHY with this kind of nonsense#she said it jokingly but it really does make my brain bad-itchy hsfbs#'think before you speak' your sentence structure will be sitting on my vertebrae for days. do you understand this#actively lowering my blood count every time they say a thing that just wouldn't make any sense on paper#am I the crazy one here? probably!! but ouhghhghhghhh#//Anyway aside from the brain-itching vertebrae-vibrating blood-count annihilating things lol#i have finished chapter one at last!! only took me two days‚ which is pretty good actually!! :D#did i mention i was rewriting p.space again ? cuz i forgor loll :>#i am pretty happy with it i think ? give it a month or so hfsh#i gotta work on the last couple paragraphs and maybe just the three last pages entirely and then boom! fineshed (finished with finesse)#i'm gonna go do that right now actually lol#or might end up watching youtube‚ who knows ! the world is full of wonder and happenstances :>
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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all of the larry merch I have from the paldean memories line so far...
#that's right. i keep all those mf thangs on me.#i wanna get the rest but i am in no place to do that right now lol#these were all very belated bday gifts from friends who were in japan a while back#i also want some of the iono arven and nemona stuff#anyways when they make more jacq stuff and actual miriam stuff. nobody will be safe.#this was gonna be a post about my entire larry collection (adding fan merch) but i'm going to a con and might find more so i'll wait LOL#of all the SV characters why do and he and jacq have to be my kinnies (for secret venty reasons)#pokemon larry#larry pokemon#gym leader larry#pokemon sv#mine
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fyi i swear something's going on w/ legend, neither he nor wars are emotionless i promise, they're both just mentally ill but in different ways. leg sees problem. ignores feelings. fixes problem. (can't fix the problem.) wars sees problem. saw problem wrong. realizes what he did. wants to take it back. (can't take it back.) Also if y'all are disappointed about their arcs, sorry? i guess? point isn't them though, the point is that it's an aftermath story. If i can stuff in more bonus themes within the theme then that's a huge plus (emotionally repressed explorer leg, wwI vet wars yeet)
anyhoo bear with me, Things are Happening. Setup is occurring. and Hylia fans I swear I won't insult her forever, she's actually pretty chill.
writing hard. halp
#chicken scratch#smoke & ashes#rant over lol#it's so hard to writeeeeeee rn#and i know what i need to do but it's the actual doing that's getting me#i think i'm gonna rewrite the prewritten bit to make it more cohesive#cuz right now it's an isolated scene and we don't need that shit#looking for unity here - no isolation allowed#ever think about how writing style/syntax/sequence of events impacts storytelling?#yea me too.#i think i very much failed to characterize the links early on so now i'm trying to make up for it#and like. idk. in this fandom at least i feel like characterizations can come and go in trends#i remember gay lil twink wars and now he's a valued member of society (which i like)#point is i should've nailed down concrete characterizations and then i didn't *dabs*#tbf i was a little baby man so there is that#i started this so long ago holy shit
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i changed my mind, moving sucks (<- is in the cleaning up and getting rid of things step in the moving process)
#🔪.text#right now i'm working on going through my art binder to consolidate shit#bc right now i have two#the one i had in high school. and another one i got where i put a LOT of my old art#(this one is also a nicer and sturdier binder)#so i am moving everything from the high school art binder to the other one#but since i'm going through it i also have to take pictures of some of it for uploading to toyhouse#i've been at it for almost two hours#right now i'm taking a lunch break#but fuuuuck man.#then i'm gonna have to edit all these photos bc even tho they don't show up dark on my camera#for some fucking reason they do on my laptop#at least last time i did this they did#it feels like such a waste to use all the tools to get good lighting#when i ultimately still end up needing to edit the photo to be lighter/brighter anyway#ugh#also we aren't like Actually moving yet. we haven't found/secured a house#this is just the preparation part lol#and it suuuuucks#i have so much shit i need to go through aghhh
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it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.
#I refuse to be upset at anyone. I have so much love in my heart#but I'm going to pack formal clothes for my sister in my own bag just in case. she doesn't need to know that.#you couldn't pay me to care or to stop caring. it's cognitive dissonance#because I know this won't always affect me but it's my whole world right now#I say I don't care and I mean it but at the same time I care more than anything else#it's actually almost scary how much I relate to dark alley#not in a ''I'm in a mentally dark or dangerous place'' way but in a ''yeah I compare myself to others too much'' way#and then I try to make excuses so it can make sense to other people so they won't think the worst of me#like literally I'm trying not to think about fall but it's right around the corner and I'm. falling into it I guess#pun intended of course. I don't want to lose all my friends#I want to be one of the kids who gets invited to people's houses for lunch after church and I know I never will be#because that's the kind of thing that's only for the kids who are going someplace. not the ones who stay#I'm feeling very selfish and it's probably bc I'm tired lol this happens sometimes#I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk#Lu rambles#sometimes I think I could write poetry#I feel like once my vacation is actually imminent I'll feel better I just haaate the point we're at right now#which is like. it's SOON but not THAT SOON so I feel like I can't do anything bc I'm just waiting for things to get going :/
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Heya! Hope you’re doing okay ❤️
well, i didn't cry today (and more importantly didn't cry at work in front of everybody) so I'm taking that as a sign that things are getting better...I hope 😅
#suuuuuuuuuuper awkward moment when i just started crying yesterday as one of my employees came up to me#(not one of the ones who went to HR)#and she was like 'uhm are you okay' and then i just told her to ask me what she needed to ask me lmao#god i'm just so embarassed that i cried so much this week#esp cause like. i hope it's not some sort of idk defense mechanism?#like did i just start busting out crying cause oh no my boss found out i'm not doing my job so i'm just gonna cry so she doesn't yell at me#or something like that and then keep crying to garner pity#cause that's certainly not my intention at all#i know i fucked up. badly. i'm not donig the job i SHOULD be doing#and was focusing on things i shouldn't focus on...especially like having my techs do their actual jobs#but that's my fault for not laying down the law#for not training them right in the first place for not giving them the proper expectations of what their job entails#but then they're crying that they're overwhelmed which hurts to hear when i see them disappearing just to come back with a cup of coffee#or talking to people across the building when there's no reason for them to be up there#or sitting on their phones while things pile up to be done#and then like my boss is now jumping in and is going to meet with them next week#and inserting herself and two of my other co-workers into the picture to help#which like yeah i need help. a lot of help. but they all have their own jobs#hell there's things my boss does really i should probably be doing#so knowing all of that and again just feeling like a failure at my job makes me feel even worse#like i'm not carrying my weight for the team--i've honestly never felt i have since i became supervisor#i don't think i'm meeting the expectations as a supervisor#as a tech? yeah i was a BEAST and maybe should have never applied for the supervisor job#and i even already told my boss long term career? def not in management for me lol and if i can get out of the supervisor job i will#but i would still want to stay with my boss and co-workers cause we're all trauam bondeded at this point from this workplace#but hey if the worst thing that comes out of this crisis is me getting fired for not doing my job maybe it'll be for the best#..........that's not making me feel any better though
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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I actually realized i hate work. Won't be putting any effort into this anymore ♡
#sure whatever#it's funny because when i applied there i really really wanted this job#and it had nothing to do with that one person i got a little overly attached to#and when i started working there it was fine but i think really the only reason i liked it was because of that colleague#and now he's gone there's only annoying things left#also maybe i got too cuddled by him because he's always had my back until now#but i have to try to get things from the design team now and they just straight up ignore me lmao#like. my colleague asked me last week if i could ask them to edit some images which i did and they ignored me for 2 days#then HE sent them a follow up message and surprise surprise the images were there within 30 minutes#now again. he asked me to request some images and then built them into the journal#i request them. i hear nothing back. i send a follow up saying it's kinda important. i get nothing#oh well sorry man. guess you'll have to do that yourself after all (:#(i think it's really nice he's trying to give me so much more responsibility and all but if he's not there to back me up#it's literally not working because Everyone Is Ignoring Me :)))#also two weeks from now I'll be alone in our office because my other colleague who's in the same office as us#has announced she's gonna go share the office with someone else because she's gonna be alone otherwise#lol thanks#also some other shit someone posted in the group chat today which really pissed me off#AND the fact i got ignored AGAIN when i asked for work :) like bitches. i literally just watched netflix on my private laptop#while wiggling the mouse on my work laptop until i got off lmao#i won't go to the office tomorrow either#i was gonna go but i can't do shit there if i get ignored again#at least at home i can do whatever i want when they decide i should just get money for wasting my time ♡#i might actually just not work tomorrow#I'll probably log in just to see if there's any updates on the images situation but if not I'll fuck right off#fun times#(also maybe just maybe I'm generally a little negative these days. that may play into it. I'm sensing that sweet summertime blues ♡#((who cares if it's because of my father's death or because of my colleague's going away or because of general existential despair due to#university.... i'm just annoyed) )#void screams
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local man completely obliterated by strength of narrative and character writing in 2023 game of the year
#mine#last night after putting it off for essentially as long as i possibly could because i knew it would decimate me#i finally attacked c4z4dor and (of course) kept ast4r10n as a spawn and basically finished up his quest#FUUUUCK ME DUDE....i knew what was coming in advance but that did not make it any less impactful#i mean holy shit the writing on this guy......the fucking graveyard scene (DO NOT GET ME STARTED)...#and of course neil's performance ohhh my god he deserves every award he can possibly have#god i love asta so much i'm literally never going to be the same this game is soooo insane#the only things i have left are the house of hope and then disabling the foundry and killing gort and doing the final fight stuff#i am ... nervous lol#ive heard the raphael fight is HAAAAAAAAARD#i'll find a way...#i think in the future i may reorder my act 3 quests i think it would be interesting to tackle some (ex companion quests or raphael)#sooner in the story#shadowhearts quest was like...3rd or 4th last thing i did cause i think i did that and then ansur and then astarion#i'm actually SO excited to replay the game i think im gonna have the time of my life doing roleplay and making diff choices#plus i know i missed a TON of stuff in this run so its gonna be fun to see what else is out there#after this im planning to do my first durge run which is REALLY exciting !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i may do another regular tav run simultaneously but not totally sure....#anyway yeah... awesome game everyone should buy it and play it its on sale right now go buy it and play it
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in all seriousness. im exhausted lol
#txt#its very hard 2 keep myself alive actually its kinda exhausting and on top it all off i dont have my medication bc i have to take a FUCKING#assessment every fucking 2 years or whatever to PROVE THAT THE FUCKING DISORDERS I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ARE STILL IN MY BRAIN WHICH IS SO#FUCKING STUPID THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE TO AUTISM OR ADHD WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING PEOPLE THINK IT EXPIRES GO TO HELL??????#and its so HARD bc im not medicated i need money to live but i CANT live like everyone does because I Am Not Strong Enough#like genuinely people have no idea how easy it would be To Me to just end it and that i Only don't do it because there are people who would>#miss me. like i swear to god i'm not good right now and idk if this feeling is ever gonna go away bc it's been here since i was like. 5#lol. yay ❤️
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