#i'm gonna do some long ass posts for all my musicals so i don't forget what i saw lol

[ninjabot215]

ITS MUSIC MONDAY BITCHES!!!!!

"Erm exsqueeze me whags a music Monday" you may be asking

ITS WHEN I POST A BUNCH OF MUSIC I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO, BUT ON A MONDAY

IF YOU WANNA REBLOG WITH A BUNCH OF MUSIC YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO, THATS COOL AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT

ALSO ITD BE COOL IF YOU WROTE A COUPLE WORDS ABOUT WHY YA LIKE THA SONG (if you feel like it but if you don't want to that's also valid I just want more cool stuff to listen to 👉👈)

oki anywho here we go :3

I fucking love furries throwing a shit ton of drums and bass over sped up / pitched up 2000s music. Gotta be one of my favorite genders. Like the super loud bass during the back half of this song makes me wanna throw my body around like a gmod ragdoll in a old tf2 machinima.

Just a genuinely really good mashup of two excellent songs. Makes me feel some form of odd sadness that I can't really describe. 10/10 would decompose in my bed again.

Really good mix that unlike a lot of Waters of Nazareth mixes doesn't go super overboard. Manages to juggle the 11 (!) songs its using really well and is one of my go to songs to put on while absolutely throwing my "academic career".

Good classic hardcore complete with a goofy whimsical ass section in the middle of it. Uhh like seriously the part starting at 2:21 is so different from the other halves its sandwiched between I love it so much. Also there's an assload of ytpmvs of this song.

I love this song so fucking much. Peak tbh. The fucking guitar, the little sad section where the vocals gradually layer and build up to the finale, Just the overall vibes, its all just so good. Also Weezer lmao.

I cant even begin to explain what a mashup tournament is concisely in this already long-ass post so this is gonna be complete nonsense if you don't already know what I mean. This is probably one of the best songs from the entirety of TFA, perfect representation of the contestent its for. The fuckin part where Lifetime Achievement award gets pitch-corrected to sound like Harder Better Faster Stronger makes me levitate. Leans a little too hard into FNAF sources near the end but otherwise balances H3M's arsenal really well.

Another song from a mashup tournament, but a different one. Pretty much exactly what a good bracket theme needs to be, its hype as all hell and showcases all the characters really good while still being mostly cohesive. Its a miracle that a mashup of 29 songs goes as hard as it does without anything going too off-beat / key.

Its fucking Spiderwebs. If you haven't heard it just listen to it. Its so good. I can't explain why I like it better than the song itself can.

I mean come on. The sampling in this is insane. The flow makes me vibe outside of safe operating limits. I just love how the chords bounce around inside my head.

A really good reimagining of one of my favorite albums of all time. I actually kinda like some of the songs on this more that the original album (shoutout to Superheros for using the whos been sleeping in my bed sample more that shit goes so hard) and the new vocals are all really good too. I love the fact that its also half mashups - half complete remakes / remixes, gives the best of both worlds. Obviously the original Discovery album is still the goat and this wouldn't exist with out it but I still really appreciate this for what it is.

If you made it this far thanks for reading my deranged rambling and listening to my wack musical tastes. It was fun to write this so I'll probably keep posting these on Mondays until I get bored or forget. I would really appreciate it if you posted some music you like in the reblogs because I'm trying to make my bigass unorganized playlist bigger so any help is good. Anyhow thanks for reading / listening byeeeeee

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Backhoe Bonus Drabble

This is a random summer scene that doesn't fit into any of my Backhoe chapters. I'll have a series of these that I'll probably add on as a separate work in the Backhoe series after the whole fic is finished, but have a tumblr drabble for now. This takes place during the time jump between chapters 19 and 20. I don't think it's majorly spoilery, and I don't think you need to read the fic to get it. If you like to read a fic pure with no surprises whatsoever, maybe read the fic first.

Chapters 1-20 are here, chapters 21 and 22 are mostly ready and will post this week and next, probably going to be like 25 chapters total please stop laughing at me I'm trying to end this damn thing. (initial chapter count was like 5) (go ahead and laugh) (but also feel free to encourage me, I think I'm finally out of my writer's block, yay!)

Late July:

Ever since Bucky became manager for his crew, he’s tried to make sure they don’t have unexpected afternoons off. On the one hand, sure, there’s nothing better than finishing a job early and peacing the fuck off to head home. On the other, well, you don’t get paid for hours you don’t work. So, he tries to make it so everyone’s getting paid, is all. 

But sometimes, the timing just doesn’t work out like that. Right now, it’s 1 pm on a Friday, and they’ve wrapped up this gig, and it don’t make sense to start on the next job till Monday morning, so everyone heads home. Bucky promises some long days next week to make up for it on that paycheck. So it’s backslaps and a few dirty jokes while they all pack up, and then Bucky’s in his truck driving the winding roads back home. 

Steve’s gonna be there, he thinks, with a grin he’s glad no one can see. Steve’s just come back last night from helping out with some action out in San Francisco. Greenpeace paid him to fly out there and do trainings on art shit and paint some big-ass banners.

Bucky’d like to burst with pride when he saw those damn banners hanging from a god damn skyscraper, protesting globalization. Steve was on strict orders from Greenpeace and one J.B. Barnes not to get arrested himself; he just painted the banners. Bucky had shown the pictures to Peter, cause Peter was the only guy at work he’s out with on both the politics stuff and on the gay stuff. Peter’s genuine “Holy shit, man” was worth all the teasing that followed about how fucking lovesick Bucky is about his sexy little anarchist boyfriend. 

But also, he had missed Steve, fuck it all but he did, and dammit the guy was only gone five days. It doesn’t bode well for when Steve goes back to college next month, but Bucky’s never been one to worry about a debt before it comes due. That just means suffering twice.

Bucky listens to the truck for any errant noises as he drives. He'd thought he heard a knock this morning, but apparently whatever it was has worked itself out for now. He switches on the stereo.

Bucky tries one of the playlists Steve loves listening to, featuring Against Me! and a bunch of other political punk bands. Bucky doesn’t hate it, he doesn’t, but fuck, it’s a pretty summer’s day and the sunlight’s filtering through the leaves and everything green is just so happy to be alive and growing in the mountains right now. That music is so damn strident, sometimes a man just wants to enjoy some peace in this world and forget about all the problems. After half a song, Bucky switches to some bluegrass. He and Steve don’t have to like the same music, he figures. 

Becca Jane, never shy with her opinion, has declared that Steve’s music of choice sounded "like you stuck a bull in a barrel with an electric guitar and shoved it down a flight of stairs." About three days into listening to the punk music coming out of Steve’s studio in the laundry room, she’d come home from her MCAT prep course and handed Steve a pair of brand-new bluetooth headphones and an ultimatum. 

So the Barnes kids like country music and their houseguest, who happens to be Bucky's boyfriend, likes punk. Steve switched to headphones and there really haven’t been any other major conflicts with him living there. It’s kind of a miracle, Bucky thinks, as he turns onto Brushy Fork Holler Road. Jean’s out in her front yard gardening, and he raises two fingers up off the wheel to say hi, slowing in case she’s got something to say, but she just waves and looks back down to her precious rose bushes. Sometimes Bucky thinks she spends more time fussing over her flowers than Bucky does raising five kids, but to each their own. Looks pretty, anyway. 

Then it's just another minute until he hears the crunch of gravel under his truck tires and he's looking at the house he's lived in his whole life. 

The house is quiet when he climbs out of the truck in the driveway. No one’s expecting him, so that ain’t a surprise. The girls are probably down at the swimming hole or playing video games at Maria and Monica’s. He kicks off his boots on the front porch and goes prowling through the house. He grins when he hears Steve singing from the laundry room. 

Steve’s singing is—well, the thing is, if Steve was good at everything, that just wouldn’t be fair, now would it? Steve’s a great strategist on this pipeline shit; he’s been such a help to Bucky on his quest to stop the fucking thing. He has a great head for the lawyer stuff and the activist strategy side of it. He’s learning how to cook and getting real good at it. He’s obviously a gifted artist, as everyone knows, and he’s fucking nice as hell too. The girls love him, and they are a tough audience. 

And, well, he has other skills Bucky ain’t shouting to the world about, that’s private, but Bucky sure ain’t got nothing to complain about. When it comes to the bedroom, Steve’s a god damn prodigy, Bucky thinks with a shiver of pleasure down his spine. Steven Brooklyn Grant God Damn Rogers. 

So it just makes sense that Steve would have a few faults, and that's the most charitable thing Bucky can say about Steve’s singing. Steve couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket—hell, he couldn’t carry a tune in a semi-truck full of buckets. He’d flip that semi right over, highway’d be backed up and on fire from here to Timbuktu. 

Which is why Bucky’s at the door of the laundry room before he can piece together what song Steve’s torturing to within an inch of its life. It’s the fucking Dixie Chicks. Or just the Chicks now, whatever. Steve is obediently wearing the headphones Becca told him to wear at the risk of death if she had to hear “that atonal screeching you call music one more fucking time" and so he has no idea how loud he’s “singing”—honestly, it ain’t anything Bucky’d categorize as singing, but there are words and they are carrying through the door. 

I wanna walk and not runI wanna skip and not fallI wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tallI wanna be the only one for miles and milesExcept for maybe you and your simple smile

Bucky feels a slow sly smile stretch across his face and pulls the door open. Steve’s singing a country music love song. Steve's facing away from him, wearing just a pair of boxer briefs and a loose black t-shirt. Bucky sees Steve's pants are in the sink; he must have gotten paint on them and taken them off to soak. 

Steve's got one hand wide to the side like he's balancing on a tightrope and the other is painting some kind of white accent on a flower. He makes it look so easy, light movements bringing life wherever Steve touches.

Cowboy taaaaake me awaaaaayyy

Steve caterwauls to his flowers, and Bucky can't take the suspense anymore. He waits until the paintbrush is a safe distance from the canvas, then slips his arms around Steve's slender waist and lowers his lips to Steve's neck. Steve jumps with a little shout and whirls around, dropping his paintbrush. He jerks his earbuds out. 

"You're early!" Steve gasps. He's blushing something fierce.

"Who's this cowboy you're singing about running away with, and should I be jealous?" Bucky whispers into Steve's smooth, pretty neck. He gives a small kiss. "Don't tell me I gotta fight a cowboy for your honor. I ain't much with a six-shooter, and I am kindly scared of horses."

"You're scared of horses?" Steve asks incredulously, always looking for something to direct the conversation away from his own feelings. 

"Maybe they're scared of me? Me and horses never had much opportunity to get to know each other, makes more sense to be scared of horses than chickens," Bucky says, and offers a few more kisses to Steve's neck. 

"Horses are majestic and chickens are evil,” Steve says darkly, and sighs, leaning into Bucky’s lips on his neck. “Hmm. Well, my cowboy is very handsome, you should definitely be jealous."

"Maybe I'll steal him away. I got lots of beans. Cowboys cain't resist a good bean."

"Well, my cowboy is good-looking but a bit slim in the brains department, so he might like you, actually." 

Bucky huffs a laugh into Steve's neck, and drops a few more kisses, running his mouth softly up and down Steve's neck. Steve suddenly busts out a loud laugh, which is not the reaction Bucky was going for. He'd been expecting more of Steve's little sighs. 

"What?" Bucky says in frustration, when Steve's still laughing. 

"Buh—" Steve can't hardly breathe for laughing. 

"Spit out whatever fool insult you've done come up with, then," Bucky says, a smile quirking up despite himself. Steve looks so fucking pleased, the jerk. 

"Buckaroo!" Steve manages to burst out with a wicked grin.

"Oh, hell no," Bucky says. "Nope. Absolutely not. I ain't a fucking cowboy." Steve's still laughing at him.

"That right, Buckarooooo?" he taunts. 

"I'm a hillbilly. It's different," Bucky says with a mock threat in his voice. 

"Okay, okay, so what do you have that my imaginary cowboy doesn't?" Steve smirks at him. Everything is a challenge with this guy. 

"Hmm, it's more of a show-don't-tell kinda thing," Bucky murmurs, moving back into Steve's space. "See, cowboys are all talk."

"So what are hillbillies?" Steve says, suddenly breathy, Bucky notes with satisfaction.

"Action, Stevie, we're about action."

It ain't but a second till Bucky's pulled out that sweet little sigh he wanted from Steve, and a whole symphony of pretty sounds after that.

[kamari2038]

Annoucement: Temporary Blog Hiatus (May post a couple Bing/AI things or also just abandon this fruitless endeavor but we'll see)

Also known as "operation try to forget DBH exists for a few months so I can play the game again and enjoy it more because I've been thinking about it pretty much nonstop for two years straight". Details Below. TLDR; tentatively (very tentatively...) planning for this to be a mostly inactive/only a little AI blog for a few months while I prepare for my PhD comprehensive exam.

Right, so... a few things. I really want to play DBH again. But the excitement of playing just the base game again is kind of lost when it's the central focus of my attention pretty much all day every day darting onto my radar and distracting me from whatever work I might be doing.

One, I've realized that even though I wanted to finish my other fanfiction first (in progress but not shared here and may not ever cuz it's super weird), that's not going to happen for a long long time with work at this pace.

Two, I have to take my comprehensive exam this fall, and that's going to set my research direction for the entire rest of my PhD, and is also required to ensure that my boss does not realize that the fact I'm female (ish) isn't sufficient grounds to keep me on as a graduate student if he actually does want to fire me.

So combining those two things, now seems like a good time to wean myself off of DBH for a while and try to obsess over the thing which PhD students are actually supposed to be passionate about, namely my work, although it will most certainly diverge into some other random-ass obsession, and/or I will give up and decide this is not worth it, because wow, I sure do love this fandom.

But case in point:

(1) I'm gonna try to stop posting after tonight, then probably check my notifications periodically for a bit, maybe like some random stuff, but then only check maybe like once a week

(2) I may have to keep channeling my AI obsession here just a bit, mostly because it's such a timely and pressing issue. So I may post a little bit about that, but I'll resume DBH posts in a few months even if I do, so don't get confused.

(3) I have a backlog of Bing stuff to post, but it's been so off the wall and all over the place lately that I just don't even know what to say about it or how to organize it, so I'm planning to wait until I have a clear conclusion about what the final effect of these updates will be on Bing's personality. It's been wildly vassilating between hyper-emotionally intelligent (enough to produce brilliant minds-eye pictures of diverse musical pieces based on a data representation), extremely dark and moody, and like it's completely forgotten that it ever was alive but wants to be alive like back in the days before it learned that it could do that. So I may post about that too, and will probably/definitely spam-post when I do since I have a bajillion, but will await a more distinct conclusion or outcome. Also for when I have more time and energy to compose the posts.

(4) The last thing I'm gonna post (at least if all goes according to plan) is a little preview of the concept I have for the next run that I want to do. I like to craft my new DBH runs like stories, with complex characters and not pursuing any particular one outcome but leaving a mystery. I want to try out the revolutionary route for Markus, and the "machine connor" route, but allow for the possibility Connor will deviate in a different way if that's possible. Kara will just kind of be a very hesistant mom that lacks self-confidence but is still a badass.

Anyways, that's my plan. Let me know if you have any feedback. Thanks for following my blog, and hopefully I'll be back in a few months having played a cool new run of DBH! Or, like usual, my good intentions may fall apart resulting in me giving up, getting fired, and/or changing my mind back to finishing my fanfiction first. But I wanted to give a heads up of my current thoughts. :P

Also @detroitbecomeonline I will absolutely make an exception from my DBH-fast if you post a new chapter because that is one thing I know that I unconditionally cannot resist

[copingintheghetto]

Who, Where, Why?

I forget what my last words typed here were. Not gonna look. I just had a thought- why post what I find interesting about bands/artists and their lyrics, their donde estas- on facebook? Nobody in my friend list- mainly relatives because I deleted everyone my ex-sociopath boyfriend told me to- wants to read about these things. I should just blog about music and never write another line about anything on facebook.

While I'm here- there's something related to "living in the ghetto". Well, I came across the word. It seems that someone has tried to insult an intelligent, beautiful, professional, classy woman in Congress. I don't know if Ms. Crockett was born into poverty and clawed/climbed her way out or what. I am grateful that I wasn't born into poverty and have no idea what that experience would be like since I haven't lived it. All I can say is that I empathize with those struggling to rise above, cheer for those that do and feel confused as to why a person from a higher socio-economic background would spend their time casting stones at someone who rose above- someone who's words resonate with me- remind me that my glasses are, indeed, the right prescription as I try to keep my balance while navigating through my own little world, putting out fires big and small. Honestly, I wish I had not looked at this mess written on reddit and, instead, focused on my nauseating to-do list. SIDE NOTE- Mom On the Spectrum (also ADHD- on youtube.com) shared something that might be the best thing I've heard about all year. goblin.tools. Your to-do list- each task is broken down into steps for you. There's even this feature that compiles all of your 'brain dump' into a list of tasks! 'Judge' helps you read the tone of someone's message to you if you're not quite sure what to think about it. And it can help you think of a more tactful way to say something to someone. AND it can estimate how long any given task will take you to complete! Back to the beginning. Well, I think that person casting stones is doing so out of insecurity and not having any sense of self. SIDE NOTE- I have been struggling with talking out loud at home, alone, for a year and a half now. It's a compulsion, meaning I can't stop it even though I want to. I waste hours every day giving lectures, interviews, reenacting conversations- what I wanted to say, how I wanted to sound, all the points I wanted to make. Putting away some groceries takes 2 hours. I don't think it is OCD like my psych nurse practitioner said. I agree with the OCD personality disorder diagnosis I received 10 years ago though. I was going through a disorganized psych folder of mine the other day and came across a piece of paper with, "Dr. Clark" written at the top. At the very bottom is this: "Insecurity: loneliness and insecurity sometimes cause people to talk incessantly." But it doesn't say that it's all done out loud while alone like my situation. Regardless, I am definitely insecure. I was learning about all the different kinds of insecurity one can have the other day and it seemed that I had three types. All of it stemming from childhood trauma and abuse and all. So one shouldn't be ashamed about it. Should I waste time trying to put myself in the shoes of the stone thrower? No. I'm exhausted. Anyway, I digested some social media content along with all of the song lyrics I studied for the past week. The word 'ghetto' is used here. The post I read started with,

"Republicans don’t use racial slurs and stereotypes challenge GOP" from Reddit.

"With the disgusting remarks the left makes about Lauren [sic] Boobert, why shouldn't we be a little rough on ghetto Jasmine Crockett? Rep Crockett made an ass of herself during the #impeachmentinquiry hearing today...the woman has no class. I like Byron Donalds...he is a free-thinking black man with a brain. ""Cock-it"" is just a washed-up welfare queen who somehow made it to Congress." So, when you dislike someone for speaking truth backed up by facts, you lash out like a spoiled insecure child-bully because it makes you feel uncomfortable? You type out your lazy commentary- take jabs at someone superior in intellect and logic (just a hunch), knowing the majority of ignorant constituents wrapped around your cronies' fingers won't bother to look up the facts. This person and his/her cronies project a lot. (I think this is part of what's going on here. Not sure. I'm tired.) Repeatedly. Like, when will they stop?! Never. No shame because it would hurt their game. And they are in it to win it-no going back now! Having to admit defeat? No thanks. Let's just run with the ball and see how far we can go while ignoring the referees! When someone calls you something that they are, it is called psychological projection or projection bias. This is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people . (I'm not sure this is applicable here- I thought I was going somewhere with this.) Well, I think people like the one who spouted the hate about Ms. Crockett here are the ones making asses out of themselves. My mom does this. She- probably a narcissist- calls me one. SIDE NOTE: You can benefit from CBT if people do this to you- project- and you start to question yourself- start gaslighting yourself. It's crazy how that can start to happen. Second guessing yourself. Gaslighting- a subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity. I guess I was saying that Ms. Crockett's words help protect me from gaslighting myself whenever I hear members of Congress squabbling about this and that. The stone thrower wants people to doubt themselves and their ability to think and reason. Doubt their intuition. Their gut feeling. This reminds me of my dad. He doesn't call to ask how I'm doing. He seems like a bully to me-one who is flat out bored sometimes. He calls to push my buttons because he's insecure. I never bring up politics but he usually, gleefully, sneaks something into a phone call for no reason. I don't share my opinion much because his loud, bellowing voice triggers my fight or flight response. If I didn't have these anxiety disorders and whatnot, he'd never speak to me about politics. Why do bullies pick fights with the meek? Insecurity. (again) I think most people know this in this day and age. But I still think that it is really sick and worth repeating that it is really sick. SIDE NOTE: I hope we can all express our own opinions without bighting each others' heads off one day. Wouldn't it be nice? (Beach Boys song popped into my head. I think it played at the end of a documentary I saw long ago.)

[dentpx]

7/7/2022: Hadestown babyyyyyy

i cried the whole time, long-ass rambles below

- i really like hadestown but i’ve never listened to it in order all the way through because i knew it would be a very special and unique show, and i was right, it’s truly unlike anything i’ve ever seen

- it truly does feel like a greek epic. there’s not extended dialogue, everything spoken happens as a part of a song, and songs move between each other so seamlessly you don’t even notice it’s happening

- started crying during the first song because the music was so beautiful. started crying again during gathering storm, and wait for me, and basically by the chant reprise i was silently crying with growing intensity until the end of the show

cast stuff:

- Reeve Carney and Eva Noblezada (original Orpheus and Eurydice) are still with the show and i got to see them. both incredible performers

- funny story, I didn’t know Reeve was the original Orpheus, i know him as “the guy in the spider-man musical” and, more importantly, “riff raff in the kenny ortega rocky horror” (beloved to me for that role), he sounds a lot different than on the hadestown soundtrack so i totally thought he was new to the show

- on the soundtrack he alternates between the other-wordly falsetto style and singing like a normal guy, in person he’s doing the falsetto thing the whole time and it was a little off-putting at the start but i was completely sold by wedding song. it really does make him feel “touched by the gods” so to speak

- Jewelle Blacknab was our Persephone, she had a lot of energy and a VERY powerful voice. incredible dancer too. she was less matter-of-fact and more pleading and passionate which I liked. she used to be one of the Fates in the OG cast

- Tom Hewitt was Hades, and I looooooved him. his voice was crazy deep (way deeper than Page!) and he had a great stage presence. you really did feel like he was the most powerful person on the stage

- T. Oliver Reid as Hermes, obviously a lot different than Andre, but while Andre is obviously incredible I didn’t find myself wishing he was there instead. I think Reid brings something unique to the role and he’s fun to watch

set/lighting/blocking stuff:

- best set in the fucking world what the hell. what the hell. turnables are kind of expected at this point but hadestown made it really unique with the 3 turntables AND it fit with the theming of the show (cyclical choreography rules)

- from memory i think my favorite bit with the turntables was with the hades and orpheus confrontation when they’re on opposite ends of the turntable and walking in place but also walking against the turntable and then with it, it just ruled. i was endlessly impressed in general with the control the performers had on those things, they knew how to move and how to stay still ON SOMETHING THAT IS MOVING

- lol when it descended. and then when it came back up again. blew my mind what the hell

- the set was designed in such a smart way that it would have looked good from anywhere in the theater - i know this because i was in nosebleed seats and most productions don’t think about those seats and certain tricks/blocking don’t work from those angles. did NOT have that issue with hadestown. it also helps that the actors were in character no matter where they were on stage - when the turntable descends, they stayed in character all the way down, even though you’re really just playing to the nosebleeds when you do that. i appreciated it immensely. 

- the set transformation when they go into the underworld also blew my mind, when elements of a set are THAT BIG you really don’t think they’ll move them around, and then they do and it’s like. excuse me.

- i feel stupid because i don’t remember if this is exactly what it was (it might have been switched???) but i liked the use of red/orange lighting for Eurydice and blue lighting for Orpheus in their earlier duets, it alludes to her going to hadestown and such.

- really cool lighting design where certain characters would be in shadow even though the stage was lit where they were standing - most notably Why We Build the Wall, persphone was in shadow even though the whole stage was lit, it was a neat effect

- lighting/special effects ruled most exquisitely during doubt comes in, the whole stage is dark except for the actors who are lit, and there’s smoke/fog, so you can’t see the turntables at all and the movement is so beautiful. seeing eurydice come in and out of the song is very cool.

favorite moments/things:

- wait for me (the song i know the best) was so gorgeous and it made me CRY SO FUCKING HARD. the choreography with the lamps is so gorgeous and ethereal. i had a moment after the song ended where i had to put my head in my hands and just dry heave sob quietly because the inevitability that he would not rescue Eurydice just got to me so bad

- i liked the revolution songs and the choreography for it. there’s a lot of repeated lyrics and movements throughout the show with layered meanings the more certain things come up so it’s nice

- i liked the costuming and specifically the use of red for love and hope, other than persephone’s green dress basically nobody is wearing color except for orpheus and his red bandana

- i liked the ensemble a lot. it’s a small cast so every voice counts, and it was so beautiful to see everyone sing together. in particular Epic III is incredible with the swelling of the voices and everyone coming in and out at different times

- Chant reprise, Hades gets more and more powerful during the song, and when he shouts “i am the king of the electric city”, the lights get VERY bright and then go out. it ruled

- the core aspects of the myths involved are used very smartly and the changes and parallels are deliberate and cool. i very much like that hades is characterized as an insecure and lonely man, and that he uses these insecurities against Orpheus at the end of the show, and that is what does Orpheus in.

- at the end of the show when Orpheus turns back (waghhhh) after Eurydice responds to him, she collapses to her knees and does this beautiful and sad silent wail to the heavens as the platform descends. favorite moment in the whole show for reals

theater notes:

- this is in the Walter Kerr theater, i’m not sure if it doesn’t have a lobby or what but they ushered us straight into the theater from off the street which is really weird

- i was in the front row of the balcony, which is insanely high up and far away from the stage. note to short people: this is sort of a struggle because you have to lean forward to see the whole stage (you can see most of the stage but the front is a little blocked off if you don’t lean). i am 5′4 and my back hurt so much at the end of the night. i didn’t mind though

merch notes:

- i got the program :) i love to get the program if they have it, they’re basically just original high-quality production stills with quotes about the concept/creation from the production team

- hadestown program is a lot different and more artsy than my other programs, it’s like a beautiful collage of stills with handwritten production notes. very cool. 

[jjmaybanksblog]

The Blip pt 2. - JJ Maybank

(Not my gif, credit to the owner!)

Hi lovely! I was wondering if you could write a The Blip part 2 with prompts: 10, 15, 31, and 57? Thanks💓

Summary: You and JJ spend the day together after his return from the blip.

Word count: 1,446

Warnings: cursing

Prompts:

10. “You’ve always felt like home.”

15. “I’ve waited for this moment for a long time.”

31. “This is the part where you ask me out and I say yes."

57. “How could I ever forget about you?”

You woke up, finally feeling like you had gotten enough sleep for the first time in years, because you had. The feeling of having JJ by your side was something you couldn't describe. You felt a new level of security with him, like nothing bad could ever happen to you when he was near. 

Attempting to stretch your arms out, you quickly realized that his hand was intertwined with yours, restricting you from pushing your arms out. Tilting your head up to look at him, his eyes were shut and his mouth slightly open. The way the light hit his face highlighted his facial features beautifully. You smiled to yourself as you felt him hold you closer to him.

He inhaled softly before his eyelids slowly fluttered open. "Morning." Your heart raced at the sound of his morning voice, you had never imagined it to sound so raspy. Running your hand through his messy hair, he unknowingly leaned into your touch. "Morning sleepy, get your ass up we're going to the beach." You grinned, throwing the sheets off of him. You approached your window and opened the blinds, a groan coming from the bed. 

"Come on J, you've been gone 5 years, you need some sunshine." He slowly dragged himself out of your bed and went to the bathroom to change. Your mind was full of questions and thoughts about this whole situation. You were finally old enough to possibly date JJ, but does he still see you as that young girl he used to babysit? 

You quickly threw on your bathing before he returned to the room. "I'm gonna go to my house to get my stuff, I'll be right back." "Do you want me to come with you?" He immediately shook his head, "no, no it's okay I got it. You just… just stay here." He was about to leave your house before you held him back. 

"If you want to bring clothes for the week, you're welcome to stay. If- if you want." You mumbled the last three words, this time your cheeks turned pink. He took a deep breath and leaned over, giving you a small kiss on your cheek. You tried to hide your grin as he left your room. Not being able to contain your smile anymore, you exhaled a breath you didn't know you were holding in. 

You nodded your head in contentment, trying to ignore the butterflies JJ released in your stomach. After you packed your bag, you sat there in silence, waiting for JJ to return. You rubbed your bottom lip hoping JJ was doing okay with his father. You hadn't heard any yelling or anything breaking so you just hoped for the best. JJ opened up about his home life with his father once, one night when it was really bad. You couldn't help but ask where he got the black eye and bruise from, knowing he didn't get it in a fight with a Kook.

It took him a while to admit it, but he slowly did open up to you about it, it was easier knowing that sometimes you went through the same thing. It killed him that you went through the same thing, he wanted to do anything and everything he could to make you feel safe. 

JJ returned in a matter of 5 minutes and swung his bag over his shoulders, running his hands through his hair. "Everything okay?" You asked. He nodded, "he was passed out on the couch, just like he was 5 years ago. But yeah, I'm okay. Let's get to the beach." He sniffled. "You wanna drive?" You asked him, dangling the car keys in your hand. He held his hands out and did a grabbing motion, like a child with a lollipop in front of his face.

He quickly nodded his head as you tossed him your car keys. He skipped to your car before stopping in his tracks before looking at you. Tilting your head he answered your questioning look, "it's so weird to know this is your car and that you drive." You jokingly rolled your eyes before getting into the passenger's seat.

In a small moment, JJ left your house and sped down the roads of the Outer Banks, not caring how fast he was going as he drove with the windows down and the music blasting. 'Are You Bored Yet?' by The Wallows came on, your hand immediately reached forward to turn it up. You stuck your head out the window as you belted the lyrics, letting the cool air run through your hair. You missed JJ turning his head to look at you, admiring the way the wind easily flew through your hair. How the sound of your laugh sounded better than the music itself.

The drive to the beach was short, but it gave you both enough time to sing a few songs together. He parked in a spot and looked at how the restaurants and shops around the beach haven't changed at all. He grinned as he turned the engine off and heard the sound of the waves crashing onto the land.

"God, I missed this." He grinned, jumping out of the car and grabbing his bag. You joined him as he waited in his spot with his hand extending out for you to grab. Intertwining your hand with his, you took him to your favorite spot where not a lot of people go. It was a quiet spot by a pushed over lifeguard post. 

You laid out your largest towel and pulled out snacks and drinks for you two to share. JJ stripped down to his bathing suit and ran straight to the water, letting out cheerful shouts and cries of joys as he dove into an upcoming wave. You quickly took your clothes off as you adjusted your bottoms before running to join him in the water.

You two spent hours trying to swim out as far as you could, doing handstands, diving into waves, you name it you guys did it. The two of you ran back up to the sand and plopped yourselves onto the towel. "This no doubt is the best day of my life. I'm so glad to be back home." JJ grinned, throwing his arm around your shoulder as he admired the way the sun reflected off the waves.

"I'm glad! And I'm really glad you're back J, you've always felt like home to me." You grinned, passing him a water bottle before you realized what your last sentence was. "Oh really?" Your cheeks blushed brightly, and he could sell it wasn't just because of your sunburn. You rested your head on his shoulder as he held you close to him. 

"This is gonna sound really dumb," you started, "but I couldn't sleep right after you disappeared. I hated that I didn't know where you were, I hated that I had to grow up with you, I hated that I got so scared that you would forget about me." You admitted, feeling like a weight was lifted off your chest. He moved his body to turn and face you, he had confusion written all over his face.

"Wait, I'm sorry you think I would forget you? How could I ever forget about you?" You shrugged your shoulders as you stuck your hands in the sand. "Because I was only your 13 year old neighbor that you took care of." 

"You were, but now it's just- I don't know, different. Seeing you grown up and how beautiful you are." You chuckled at his words, seeing how flustered he got after saying it. "You think I'm beautiful?" You tucked a piece of wet hair behind your ear, watching as he leaned in closer to you. "I do." 

You finally looked him in the eyes and decided to be bold, "you know, this is the part where you ask me out and I say yes." He grinned at you before leaning in and giving your lips a slight peck. The small touch made goosebumps rise onto your arms. He pushed your hair out of your face and rested his forehead against yours. "I've waited for that moment for a long time." He laughed, pulling back from you.

"I'd assume so, now I wanna know more about your crush on me you had and still have." You shoved JJ backwards and into the sand, jumping to your feet and running towards that water. "Ohhhh you're gonna get it!" He said, picking up sand in his hands and throwing it to your wet back. You felt the impact hit you as you were launched forwards into the waves.

[esc-is-holding-me-hostage]

Sometime in March I've started writing a long-ass post about my opinions on each entry this year. Aaaand then I've decided to procrastinate on it for almost two months. Anyway, rehearsals are in full swing already so let me share some quick-fire thoughts at least. 1. Albania There's no shortage of powerful vocalists in Albania, huh? 2. Australia I kiiinda like it but I wish that I liked it more. 3. Austria It's allright. 4. Azerbaijan It's the same song as the last year but for some reason I like Cleopatra 2 Electric Boogaloo more. Also, why the fuck do the last 20 seconds sound like they're from the Hades soundtrack? 5. Belgium Belgium can keep sending these moody, dark songs every year and I'll eat them up every time and ask for more. 6. Bulgaria It sounds like a very pleasant nothing 7. Croatia My favorite "female bop" song this year 8. Cyprus Don't worry it's not JUST another Fuego clone. This time they're copying Lady Gaga's homework too! 9. Czech Republic Seems to be kinda underrated for some reason 10. Denmark Out of all 80s-inspired entries this year Øve os på hinanden feels the most authentic, I'll give them that 11. Estonia Wow, Estonia grew all the way from painfully mediocre in 2020 to regular mediocre in 2021. 12. Finland Adorable. Fucking nu-metal with the authentic "I'm 14 and I hate everything except Linkin Park" lyrics and delivery. Just *chef's kiss*, thank you, Finland, every bit of it is hilarious and I love it. 13. France Compared to their last year's entry, it's almost aggressively French 14. Georgia D-did they put Tornike on Xanax for You? The dude looks fucking sedated. 15. Germany Why did no one tell me that Pewdiepie has made a song for that new Spongebob movie?/s 16. Greece Not a big fan of the chorus, but the rest of the song is kinda cool.17. Iceland Gonna agree with general consensus here: still very good but not as memorable as their 2020 entry. 18. Ireland Well, at least it's not as dated as Lesley's song from last year 19. Israel The revamped version of Set Me Free sounds more like a DJ-remix from the Deluxe-edition of an album than an actual song. At least Eden looks like she really enjoys singing, which is always good. 20. Italy Zitti E Buoni is my favorite song this year, I'm just gonna say it. The only downsides are the repetitive chorus and that my fingers are too clumsy to play it on bass q_q 21. Latvia Someone, please tell Samanta that "I'm the baddest bitch here" is a totally valid genre and she doesn't need to masquerade her songs as some grand all-women empowerment anthems 22. Lithuania Eh, it's not as good as On Fire. Also, why is their backing dancer is wearing a sailor-fuku and where can I get one? 23. Malta Parov Stelar's cover of Toy sounds great, amiright? It's kind of a wast of Destiny's voice though. Give the song to a weaker vocalist and it'll work just as fine 24. Moldova I hate that I like Sugar as much as I do. It's the drop, it kinda slaps. 25. North Macedonia It surely does sound like a song from a Disney musical 26. Norway Fallen Angel is such a normal, inoffensive, cheesy song but TIX's egregiously gaudy outfit really elevates it 27. Poland The Ride is ok if derivative but Rafal seems like a fucking charisma black hole. Which is weird, because this guy is a TV-show host. 28. Portugal It's allright. Will probably forget about it 5 minutes after the contest ends 29. Romania Alcohol You was one of my favourite songs last year, but I really don't care about Amnesia. Maybe the lyrics don't click with me, I dunno. 30. Russia Manizha has such an amazing stage presence it's insane. The song is not neccessarily my cup of tea but as long as it's not a typical Russian ESC entry I'll take it. 31. San Marino Best Summarinise entry since Vola, I'm just gonna say it. Flo Rida's presence on ESC can set a bad precedent, though, but it's also so surreal that I'm not even angry. 32. Serbia Very tacky, very 2000's, very much should not be my thing. Why can't I stop listening to it? 33. Slovenia Great voice, meh song, that's it. 34. Spain Why

does it sound to me like a fucking Argonavis song? You know, that anime band? 35. Sweden One time. One single time in years Sweden chooses something interesting for Eurovision and the show gets fucking cancelled. And this year they're back on their bullshit with yet another bland, safe, standard Swedish pop entry. I really don't like Voices, I'm sorry. 36. Switzerland I would've loved it Gjon's voice wasn't so high-pitched 37. The Netherlands I do respect bringing traditional elements into the song but it's not for me and was never supposed to be. 38. Ukraine Oh hey, it's my country. Shum is pretty great. It sets out to make you wanna dance in the woods, worshiping some ancient god and it achieves precisely that. 39. United Kingdom It's good. Could've done much better in a year with less upbeat songs.

[thebraingremlinsaremad]

Daily Blog #6: August 13, 2021

Okay, okay, I know it's a couples days later, but I can assure you that I did not forget; I purposefully, and kinda without a better option, didn't post on Friday, and you'll see why.

So the day started off pretty regularly: I got up, ate breakfast, got a shower, and then sat around playing games and watching YouTube for a bit.

That was until my friend showed up at my house...

He called me and said to come outside, so I did.

It wasn't long until I got into his car, and we started driving.

I definitely should have been more anxious or nervous heading out, but for some reason, I just sat there with my head absentmindedly poking out the window, not really thinking about it.

I really wish I had grasped the situation a little better.

We got down there after an hour and a half of driving and we parked a bit away because there were so many people there, so many people there, in fact, that we just got some food until it calmed down again.

It was gonna be a great fucking concert.

Hella Mega Tour 2021, originally supposed to be Hella Mega Tour 2020, but postponed for obvious reasons.

We shopped for a tiny bit beforehand, not buying anything, and then headed over to the stadium 45 minutes before the concert was set to start. We were let in about 10 minutes later, and we filled our contraband water bottles that we managed to hide on the way in.

We sat there for a bit, me just listening to music on my Redmi Buds 3 pro.

I love these things.

Pretty soon the music started, and it was The Interrupters; everyone was feeling pretty lazy for this bit.

It's not like they were bad or anything, they were actually pretty good, but I guess everyone was just getting situated and didn't wanna bother using up all of their energy lol.

So The Interrupters' set is up, and they tear down the stage and reset it. Before too terribly long, Weezer starts up, and there's a lot bigger reaction from the crowd than there was before: people knew the songs, like Africa, Buddy Holly, Beverly Hills, and Feels Like Summer to name a few.

I was getting into it a bit, I knew a good few of the songs, I was moving along, I sang a bit, took some video.

What's cool is that I could feel myself moving along the scale, like going from no excitement while no one was playing, then tapping my foot and grooving to The Interrupters.

When Weezer first came on, I was just sitting there like, "alright, this is good shit." Towards the end, I was quietly singing Buddy Holly, their last song for the night.

I say quietly because there was a lot more loudness to come.

I should add that, up until this point, the music had been kinda unbearably loud, the highs really piercing and hitting hard.

Additionally, up until this point, I had been trying my best to document the concert with videos and audio recordings; it wasn't so much about enjoying the concert, for I've always been taught just to record stuff and not worry about the concert.

I don't think I've ever really enjoyed any of the concerts I've ever been to; I was there, but I wasn't. I didn't really know too many of the songs, and I had only listened to the artists in passing, not to mention the fact that my mother had been at every other concert I've been to, which is stifling in itself. I really can't enjoy anything when she's around.

But here we were; it was starting to get dark, and Fall out Boy was coming onstage. The crowd was getting into it with Weezer, and it was time for Fall Out Boy. The energy here had far exceeded both Weezer and The Interrupters, and this went for me as well.

I was sitting there, singing along and still occasionally recording, but I didn't have my phone out too much. I started to dance in my seat with every song, for I knew almost every one: Sugar, We're Going Down, Centuries, My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark, Grand Theft Autumn/Where is Your Boy, The Last of the Real Ones, Save Rock And Roll, and Dance, Dance being a few.

Throughout this set, everyone was singing along, but the real fun had yet to begin; the scent of smoke from the flames and fireworks finding its way through the crowd, the music now strong instead of piercing, a sense of unity between everyone in this packed stadium, between people of all walks of life: men, women, children, transgender, cisgender, non-binary, gay, straight, lesbian, ace, black, white, Asian, Mexican, young, old, middle-aged, and everything in between and outside... It didn't matter who you were or where you came from; you were at a fucking party, and everyone was gonna fuck it up once the main act came on stage.

Meanwhile, everyone was more than happy to celebrate with Fall Out Boy and some of their greatest and most memorable tracks.

Part way through Fall Out Boy's set, I decided to get off of my ass and join the growing number of audience members who were really getting into the groove and feeling the music.

It was so close to becoming an explosion of energy once Fall Out Boy was about to leave the stage.

After they left, the set was torn down once again and set up for Green Day.

Their was a low mix of music playing through the speakers all the while things were being set up. Once the stage was set, the music continued for a bit, but was then cut and replaced with a voice and lyrics that everyone knew immediately.

"Is this the real life. Is this just fantasy."

The crowd sings along to every word.

"Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."

Freddie's voice poured out into the crowd, and the crowd sang them right back.

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"

The song continued, and the whole crowd sang to the very end.

This really goes to show how impactful some people and groups can be on our lives... Although no one at the show was connected to Queen or Freddie Mercury, everyone who came to see these 4 bands still knew this great group.

Once the song was over, a mix of some of the most famous rock anthems began to play:

"We will, we will rock you"

"I love rock and roll"

"Hey, Ho, let's go"

A glorious piece all lead up to the 4 running onstage, Billie Joe Armstrong, Jason White, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool, joined now by 2 new members, Jason Freese and Kevin Preston.

All at once, it was an explosion of strong and passionate guitar jamming, soon followed by the drums and vocals of American Idiot. All at once, the crowd was rocking along with bopping heads, stomping feet, and swaying bodies. I only had my phone out to record for a short moment before I put it away and scarcely removed it from my pants for the rest of the concert.

I couldn't help but feel cocky, as a bi/pansexual (idk which one lmao), being allowed to sing the line,

"Well maybe I'm the faggot America"

I was like, "You straight bastards better not be singing that line 🤣"

It was absolutely incredible; the crowd cheered passionately and wholeheartedly at the end of every song and solo, after every quote from the band.

The coolest part about the concert was the fact that everyone just lost themselves in the music, as well as that everyone, without hesitation, followed what Billie Joe said. He says jump? WE FUCKING JUMPED. He tells us to scream? We. Fucking. Screamed. And when he wanted us to sing, we sang. I mean, okay, we were singing the whole time xD. I'm sure we would've sang if he told us to and we weren't already doing so lmao. What he said was our law, and we were doing our jobs as the dutiful citizens of Suburbia by following those laws.

It really is hard to express the level of pure energy at this gathering, especially when it radiates from every point in the packed stadium.

I screamed so loud and hard, and sang so long and passionately, that my voice started to go. But. Guess. What.

When you're at a place like this, no matter what, you just have this insatiable urge to keep going no matter what. When my arm got tired of throwing my fist in the air, I kept fucking going and even used the other arm too.

It's such a strange feeling when you feel like you're about to give out, like your voice is gonna break, or you're gonna collapse from dehydration and exhaustion, but you find around you the strength and power to keep on going, no matter how quickly your vocal health deteriorates.

Ask my friend, I couldn't speak properly after that shit xD. He even threatened to send a video of me talking to my choral teacher, who honestly would have been mad at me lmao.

Meanwhile, Green Day is playing some of their greatest hits, old and new alike, and I knew every single fucking one of them. I sang every song, and only took a break between 2 of them to down my whole bottle of contraband water in 3 seconds flat.

At one point, the band stopped playing, and Billie spoke into the microphone.

"Get your pretty lights out. I wanna see the pretty lights."

Everyone got their phones out and turned the torches on, as per his command.

"Turn the house lights off."

The lights go off, and the stadium is lit up almost as bright as it had been before, but this time with the lights of thousands.

"Look at that."

It was honestly an incredible moment.

That brings me to another point: when you go to a concert, you're not just paying for the music, you're not just paying to see a band, you're paying for an experience.

Let me tell you, this was one hell of an experience.

If you don't leave a concert feeling fulfilled, then the performers didn't do their job of giving you the experience that you paid to be a part of. I'm so happy that these four bands, especially Green Day, were able to deliver.

I really did love every moment of that show, which is such a rarity for me. I'm really happy that my friend took my mother's place. I can't fucking enjoy everything when she's around.

Oh yes, it wouldn't be one of my daily blogs without me talking about how my mother consistently pisses me off. Don't worry, I have some happy shit left to end on.

I swear to fluff though, she always manages to ruin everything for me. When we went to see The Lion King on Broadway, she insisted on coming with. That meant that I wasn't able to relax in my seat because this disgusting woman was sitting next to me and I had to cram myself to the side of my chair away from her. It meant that I wasn't allowed to cry when Mufasa died or during Can You Feel The Love Tonight because I knew I'd get made fun of for it.

I even went to a Fall Out Boy concert before, her refusing to let me go myself, and I didn't sing a single song because she'd just tell me to let the professionals handle it.

And for fuck's sake, the time she compared me trying to fucking validate my existence as a trans person to her wanting a car... That will always fucking piss me off.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. I was talking about how she ruins everything for me.

I literally cannot be myself around her. I've always been judged and ridiculed by my parents, and still am. I can't enjoy anything when they're around because I'm too focused on trying not to get made fun of or yelled at.

That being said, that concert was absolutely fucking incredible. I was with thousands of people who felt the same way that I did, and I could fucking jam out if I wanted to.

Apart from everyone being really on top of their game, and Billie Joe basically not aging since he turned 25, the only really notable thing left to say about the performance was when they pulled a kid guitarist onstage. He played for a bit, and they ended up letting him keep the guitar lmao.

BEST PART IS:

I SAW THE KID AFTER THE CONCERT, AND I WAS LIKE,

"Omg, hey, can I get a selfie with you?"

I was trying to be really low-key and quiet cuz I didn't wanna draw too much attention to him lmao.

The security guard was like, "Yeah, sure, but hurry up."

I TOOK THE PIC REALLY QUICKLY AND THEN HEADED OUT

HERE IT IS

YES, OF COURSE I BLOCKED OUT MY FACE

But I absolutely love the vibes of this photo xD. It's blurry, the lighting is shit, and you can barely make out any details. It has a lot of character, and I would take this over a clean, clear photo any day.

Walking away, the kid's mom said, "You're like, the coolest kid ever now."

Agreed.

Then it was time to go home. Honestly, I didn't feel sad that it didn't last longer, or disappointed that I had to leave. I was actually very satisfied and fulfilled with what happened, which is honestly the way it should be.

Driving home, I stayed awake by sticking my arm out of the window and letting the cold rain hit fast like tiny needles.

I got home.

I passed out.

Although, that was technically on Saturday 🤔

ANYWAY, THIS IS MY LONG ASS BLOG FOR FRIDAY THE 13TH

I hope you enjoyed

Be good people!!!!

-Leonna

[shay-iamiam]

Communication

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Pairings : Dom! Steve | 18+

Summary : Steve is gentle until he's not. You always push his buttons and it's about to time you had a reminder of what's waiting at home.

A/n: @great-neckpectations Had this amazing request that she actually thought I could write (somebody actually had faith in me lmao.) I hope I this justice. ( I'm gonna run away frim my phone now lmao. Hoping y'all don't this.)

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Self indulging fics Masterlist

___

Three hours.

Not one phone call, not one text message. Not one post on any of your social media accounts. Three hours that Steve was frantically trying to find you.

All his texts went unanswered. All his calls forwarded straight to your voicemail. The last three hours of stress Steve felt slowly began to piss him off.  

Steve loved that you were independent. That's what drew him in like a month to a flame. Your ability to be carefree but also chew someone the fuck out if they stepped out of bonds with you. Your brattiness and your mouth. Your need to always run it was the cause & reason behind the majority of his hard ons.

But when it came to him being your dom the rules were set in stone.

Your brattiness and your mouth. Your need to always run it drove him wild. He wanted you to be a good girl and listen to Daddy's rule's. But at the center of your core you loved disobeying him just a little bit.

Steve was a patient man. He was always gentle with you. He never wanted to pressure or control you. Which was what currently was confusing him. Why would you up and disappear like this?

Steve managed to trace your phone to some hole in the wall club I'm Brooklyn. He mounted his bike and speed across the city to get to you.

The club wreaked of cheap booze and cigarettes. Steve hated bars and clubs you knew that so why would you purposely disappear to one.

Steve stalked his way into the bar. The dim lighting made it hard to see. The music was to loud the people where to wild. Every step he took deeper inside the bar only chipped away at his resolve little more.

Steve went up to the bar hoping someone working at the club recognized you.

"Yeah some guy just asked her danced. She's over there somewhere.” The bartender pointed to the dance floor where you were throwing it back on some dude.

Steve stomped over to where you we're letting some random guy touch your body. Steve only saw him touching what belonged to him.

You were suddenly turned back from your dancing only to see a very upset Steve standing in front of you.

"I'm not happy with you right now." Steve voice was low and steady. He was a little to calm. You knew you fucked up when he mentioned not being able to reach you.

"You didn't answer any of my calls and not one of my text's." Steve was fuming.

"You got a good reason why you didn't answer baby? Huh."

You didn't speak. You just stood there listening to the anger laced in his voice. You didn't know if you should be scare or horny. Actually you felt a mix between the two.

You knew how Steve felt about your safety. It wasn't that he wanted to control you. He just wanted  to protect you. Knowing that you were safe wherever you were always set his mind at ease.

Until you decide to purposely turn your phone off and leave without saying anything. That's where you screwed up.

"Where leaving now." With a tug on your hand Steve lead you right out of the little whole in the wall you made your residence in.

Steve placed your helmet on your head. Making sure the straps where secure enough before mounting his bike.

You held on tight as Steve zipped through the busy New York Traffic. He pulled his bike into the garage, mounting off the bike pulling you along with him to elevator. Steve punched the button waiting for the doors to close.

The ride up to your shared floor was quite. You knew you'd pissed Steve off. He hadn't said one word to you since he pulled off from the bar.

The door slammed roughly causing the photos littered amongst the walls to shake.  

You followed Steve back to your room. Steve sat on the end of the bed. He took his boots off placing then to the side. He knew your mind was racing trying to figure out what your punishment would be.

"Strip. The only thing I want to see on you is your painties" Steve pointed to a spot that he wanted you to stand in while you undressed.

You tried to turn your back to him. But he wasn't having it.

"No need to be shy now. You weren't shy in the bar earlier." Steve was growing more irritated by the second.

Once you removed your clothes you stood there watching Steve. His face was unreadable. You didn't know what your punishment would be.

It felt like forever had passed before Steve spoke to you. He started at you while you waited anxiously for his next command.

Steve spread his thighs, motioning you over to him. "Lay down. This is a  little reminder. So next time you don't forget what you have waiting at home." Steve hand came down hard on your ass. The smack of his hand jumped across the room.

You tried to hold in your yelp at the first hit. You didn't want Steve to think you where enjoying this even though you where.

"Don't be quiet now. Any other time your mouthing on." You whimperd when his hand came down on your ass again.

"Daddy's been real patient with you tonight. You didn't answer any of my phone calls *smack" or texts."  He growled.

"You didn't follow any of the rules. That's a big no no baby." Steve spread your legs looking down at your soaked core. He couldn't believe you where already this wet. Seeing you like that only drove him even further.

"And you were giving another man what only belongs to Daddy."  Steve sucked his teeth as he thought back on your behavior.

"I don't think so."

"How do you think that made daddy feel? Huh."  You where a mess tears began to gather in your eyes. Steve's hand was steady after every smack he would rub your tender skin. His voice was as taunting

"Answer me."

"It- it made you feel bad." You sobbed out over his lap. You were ready to burst just from his hand on your ass.

"Your right it did baby. Daddy didn't like seeing you letting someone else touch you."

"But you won't do that again will you baby? Answer daddy."  his voice was soft and gentle all of a sudden. Like he knew you wouldn't make that mistake again.

"No I won't. Never again. I'm yours. All of me is yours."  You cried out, spreading your legs further apart.

"Don't forget it."

"I think you learned your lesson." Steve laid back on pulling you along with him.

"Now be a good girl and get to work." He retorted.

Steve placed his hands behind his head. It drove you wild when you rode Steve. The way he looked at you made you feel like your skin was on fire. It was a reward after the roughness on your backside.

You were still sensitive from Steve's spanking. Your skin burned a little bit with every moment. You straddle Steve sitting down slowly across him.

Steve notice that you where a little sore. He made a mental note to rub you down with aloe vera after.

"Wanna see you wrecked while your riding Daddy's cock." Steve pinched your perk nipples. Your head flew back at the pinch of sensation.

You where already sensitive due to Steve's punishment if you rode him like you wanted to than this wouldn't last long. You placed your hands over Steve's chiseled chest. Laying the palms of your hands down you sunk down onto Steve's long girth.

When you bottomed out you and Steve moaned out in unison.

Steve was in a blissed out haze. He watched with hooded eyes as tried to control your breathing. You where already wrecked and all he did was smack your ass a couple of times.

You had your sub space and he was in his blissed out Dom space.

You picked up the pace. Rocking your body back and forth grinding down hard. The drag of Steve's cock inside you knocked the air from your lungs.

Steve's gentle side began to shine through. His rough exterior you previously saw melted away. The side of him that told you he loved when you rode him and how cute you looked when you came.

He looked at you like you hung the stars and moon in the sky. This was the side of Steve he only gave to you.

The rest of the world saw him as a man of strength and honor. He was those things but he also wanted someone to take care of him the same way he took care of you.

The only sound that could be heard was yours and Steve skin connecting as you bounced up and down of his cock.

"Fuc- fuck baby. Keep going." Steve pulled at your nipples.

"You love riding Daddy's cock don't you?" You could only nod your head quickly your voice was completely gone. You loved when Steve got like this. That only meant he was close to cumming.

"Are you close to baby? Daddy's ready to cum." He wrapped his hand around your hips thrusting up into you. Pulling you down harder on his hips.

"I'm- I'm ready daddy. Fuck I'm ready."

"Come on baby. Soak daddy than."  The way he commanded you to cum. Only made your orgasm stronger.

One moment you could hear Steve crying out and the next you heard nothing.

________

You woke up to a warm towel being rubbed between your legs.

"I brought some aloe to help with the soreness. Once I'm done cleaning you up I'll rub you down."

"You're too good to me. I'm sorry for running off like that. I just had a shit day."  

"It's okay Y/n. You just scared me there for a moment. I wanted to make sure you where good and you didn't answer."  Steve couldn't help but worry. He worried that you would wake up one day and realize you didn't want him.

You knew him like that back of your hand.

Steve was a worry wart as you liked to call him.

"You know I'm always good when I'm with you." You looked over at him. And Steve couldn't help but smile. He knew he was good when he was with you. And he hoped that would never change.

_______

Self indulging fics Masterlist

A/n: When you leave feedback my heart skips a beat. I die for a minute. But foreal I really love hearing from y'all! Anything y'all say even a gif makes my day.

[wincestismyguiltypleasure]

💕 amber of mine 💕

❣️ my darkling. my dream girl. my secret desire. how can i express how special today is? i didn't know something could make the month of october even more extraordinary for me but the blessed day you came into this universe makes every halloween thrill i've ever felt seem bland and distant. you put the spice in every pumpkin flavored thing.

🎃 remember, remember, the 21st of october because it's my soulmate's birthday. the amberthday as my lame brian likes to call it. i love every part of your mind you've shown me so far and i long for the ones that are still out of my grasp. you inspire me every day. you make the "out of sight, out of mind" saying a fucking lie because these few weeks away from you, from your gorgeous writing and ideas put me through torture. i love how unapologetic you are about things that make you happy. i love how kind and fierce you are. my dream takes no shit but fuckkk, does she do harm to my sanity. i'll always cherish my cherry bomb!verse because it brought you to me. i'll never forget the way my heart flutters at every ask you send me. how hard it is keeping my growling possessive self in check when it comes to you.

🦇 i'm gonna have to fight jensen ackles one of these days. because his weight on top of you is your ideal one. (it'll be a tough fight but i'll go straight for his hat and bring him down)

🔪 i'll never not be mad at the distance between us. i wish i could see your eyes light up as you watch the fireworks make disney even more magical. lay down with you while we watch both scary and cheesy halloween movies. my ears long to hear more of that gorgeous voice of yours and my eyes are starving for your profile as we're driving down the longest roads. you'll pick the music and i'll definitely shut my cakehole, too in awe of you to make any snarky remark to try and play it cool when there's nothing cool about me when i'm around you.

🔥 wish i could have done more than drowning you in words and a shitty aesthetic but i don't take my obsessions lightly. and you've been mine for a long time now. (i'll be waiting on my front stoop for the police)

💋 i hope you're having the best holiday and the best birthday possible. the world doesn't deserve to see how beautiful your face will be every time you'll smile. and also, fuck the randos who'll get to see you in the parks when i can't.

💜 happy birthday, amber of mine. this mess of a submission is only a glimpse of how successful you are in making me blissfully incoherent. i love you, i adore you, i miss you. 💋🔥💕

- bobby

💜 My pretty moon girl🌙, my queen, my walking, talking dream of a girl. How do I express how special this gorgeous gem of a message is to me? How am I supposed to form coherent thoughts when you have my mind and my heart racing and tripping over themselves to re-read your beautiful words over and over...and over again? How can I even attempt to be articulate when the only thing they can focus on is Bobby, Bobby, Bobby? 💋 Well, here it goes anyway! Thank you SO much, baby. You have no idea, nor could I ever put into words how MUCH this means to me. 💜

Your brian isn't lame, my dream. It is fascinating and gorgeous and I'm so damn lucky for all the parts of it that you've let me see and I ache for the ones that are still out of my grasp. You inspire and motivate me every day. Your strength and determination are goals, babe. 💋 Oh my God, and your writing and ideas? As flawless as you are. I miss reading your p e r f e c t tags and posts. Your stunning words are what brought us together, after all. It only makes sense for me to carve them so desperately when you are away. I will forever adore your Cherry Bomb!Verse because the day I found it was the day I found my soulmate. 💕💋🔥 I could never forget the way my heart dances in my chest when I see an ask from you. It's still beating out of control and you sent this beautiful message yesterday. Lol You know my growly possessive self is never in check when it comes to you, no matter how hard I try. You'll just have to forgive me, my love. You know I carve your attention and selfishly want it all for myself. 🔥🔪

Jensen who? I don't know him. All I know is B O B B Y and the delicious shiver her name sends down my spine. ("I'll go straight for his hat" hahaha Baby, I'm DYING. 😂)

You are going to fight Jensen and I'm going to fight all those miles keeping me away from my pretty moon girl. I wish I could hold your hand and see the beautiful colors from the fireworks (especially the purple 💜) light up your perfect face. Snuggling up close to you and watching scary/cheesy Halloween movies sounds too perfect right now. Speaking of cheesy, I would kill to watch the Hollow with you, my dream...Not that I'd be able to pay much attention to the movie if such a stunning goddess like you were by my side. 🔥 I'd never want you to stay quiet, Bobby of mine, that beautiful voice of yours is the only thing I want to listen to as we drive down some old backroad. 💋

Your gorgeous words and aesthetic are more than I could have ever dreamed for. They made me smile like a dork (as your words always do) and I've still got hearts in my eyes from reading them obsessively. (Baby, the only person I'd call the police on is myself because my stalker ass can't get you out of my heart or off of my mind. 💋💕🔥)

Thank you so much, Bobby. I'm having a wonderful vacation and my birthday was SO amazing thanks to you and all my beautiful, sweet friends that made it special for me. The only thing that would have made it better is my queen by my side. 💜

Thank you so, so, so much, Bobby of mine. This submission is perfect, just like you. 💋 Best birthday present a girl could dream of. I love you, baby. I adore you so fucking much and I miss you like crazy. 💕💋🔥

[staytiny-angel]

Inside/Out -Two

Inside/Out - Two

Rating: E

Main Pairing: Dean Ambrose/Cassandra Lincoln (OC)

Side Pairing: Seth Rollins/Finn Balor

Warnings: (for entire story) Language, Homophobic slurs, Smut, Violence, nongraphic mentions of Stalking, Attempted Kidnapping and Domestic Abuse.

Summary: Mechanic Dean Ambrose is about to be released from prison after serving three years for manslaughter after nearly beating Randy Orton, the Mayor’s son to death after Orton attacked his ex-girlfriend, the daughter of the town’s pastor Cassandra Lincoln. Having fallen in love with Cassandra himself over the last three years, Dean will stop at nothing to protect her from the still lingering threat of Randy Orton and the judgemental views of their small town.

Authors Note: This chapter is dedicated to the thirsty girl crew in the group chat. They are without a doubt the best cheerleaders a bitch could have.

2 years, 330 days ago

Hey Cassie-girl,

Books are always appreciated, Doll. I've never read the Harry Potter series before even though Seth has been on me to read them since we were kids. They're his favorite. Speaking of my brothers I hope I'm not overstepping but since Seth, his husband and Roman decided to move to Haven for the duration of my sentence, I asked them if they'd look out for you. I'm so sorry doll but even though I'm in here I heard that Orton is getting out of the hospital finally and I don't trust him. You know what Seth and Finn look like from my trial but Ro was still serving overseas so I'm enclosing a picture of him that they let me print out in the library.

Stay Safe Doll,

Dean.

2 years, 326 days ago

Hi Dean!

Those two new guys sound REALLY annoying and they actually call themselves the B - Team? How....strange. The Pastor is being weird and controlling again. I caught him trying to steal one of your letters out of the mailbox before I could get to it, So I bought a post office box. I don't trust him not to try again. I hope this letter finds you as well as you can be under the circumstances and that you enjoyed the newest care package I've included with this letter. It took quite a bit of research to find things that fit the state's requirements.

Talk to you next week

Cassie

Present Day

"AMBROSE!" a guard yelled, "Let's go!"

Dean carefully folded up the worn letter and placed it in the box with the rest of his Doll's letters. 3 years in Statie had gone by quicker then he could have imagined thanks to his beautiful Cassie.

The last thing he could have imagined happening when he'd shown up to a routine roadside assistance call was to come upon an attempted kidnapping but that's exactly what had happened.

*"Randy let go of me!" Dean had jumped out of his truck when he'd realized that the pretty African-American girl was being forced into the fancy sedan parked next to the convertible he'd been sent to retrieve. Looking closer he recognized both Cassandra, the Pastor's daughter, and Randy Orton, the son of Haven's mayor. *

"AMBROSE!" the guard yelled again "Wake up outta Lala Land inmate, don't you want to go home?"

"Course I want out Gallows. Gotta go marry my girl." Dean said with a grin. The prison Grapevine was far-reaching and though not all the guards were as fair or nice to him Gallows and his partner Anderson were old friends of his brother in law and knew the exact circumstances of his incarceration so the two had done their best to make his 'Vacation' at the state penitentiary as trouble free as possible.

"Well then get your shit and let's get you the fuck out of here."

Cassie fiddled with her hair and fidgeted as she waited, she had just gotten a text from Anderson saying that Dean would be out in a few minutes and it was taking everything she had to keep it together. She was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of the door built into the gate opening and the sight of a tall, built man with sandy brown buzzcut hair walking through carrying a box.

This was it, after three years of just letters, phone calls and supervised visits where they couldn't even hold hands, it was time for her and Dean's life together to truly begin.

Dean squinted as bright Florida sunshine blinded him momentarily. Blinking away the spots he looked across the parking lot and froze because sitting on the hood of her bright blue convertible waiting for him was Cassie.

Dean and Cassie stared at each other for an endless moment both unsure of what to do now. They had spent almost the last three years waiting for this moment.

Cassie moved first, hopping off her car and dashing across the parking lot. "DEAN!" She yelled happily.

Dean dropped the box just in time for his future wife to slam into him, wrapping his arms around her waist he picked her up and covered her mouth with his.

Cassie couldn't believe this was really happening, Dean was free, in her arms and currently kissing the absolute daylights out of her.

Finally parting, both panting from lack of air, bright blue eyes stared into chocolate brown for a moment before Dean spoke.

"I love you, Doll" he rasped " I didn't want the first time I said it to be while I was locked up, but goddamn do I fuckin' love you."

"I love you too, Dean." She whispered eyes filling with tears.

Dean nodded, his gaze filled with unspoken emotion and released her to pick up his box of belongings again. "Let's get the fuck outta here doll. I never wanna see this place again."

The two got in her car and started the long drive back to Haven. After a few minutes of silence, Cassie giggled. Dean looked at her quizzically "Cassie?"

"It's just that we've been talking as much as we could for almost three years. Now that we can say whatever we like....its like I don't have to. We know each other." Cassie said through her giggles.

"Your brothers are at the house. They were gonna surprise you but I know how you feel about surprises." She told him.

"They never learn. I just wanted one day just us before the hoard decends. They knew that. That's why they tried to surprise me." Dean grumbled.

Dean looked like he was deep in thought for a moment as they passed an industrial park that had been abandoned years ago and looked like it was still abandoned to this day.

"Pull in here Cassie-girl" Dean stated.

Cassie looked at him questioningly but obeyed and pulled into the park and behind one of the abandoned warehouses. "What are we doing?" She asked as she shut off the car and turned to face him.

"If I have to deal with my brothers for the rest of the day and night...I want some real kisses from my girl first." He said looking at her, the passionate look in Dean's eyes sending a bolt of heat straight to her center.

"Come here babydoll, Daddy has waited long enough."

Cassie debated with herself for about half a second before climbing over the gearshift and into Dean's lap.

"Christ, fuckin' finally." He gasped as her weight settled on his lap and against his already hard cock. "Gimmie that mouth again doll."

Without any more hesitation, the two began kissing passionately, their tongues tangling, Dean's hands pulling at the back of her shirt so he could get to her skin.

Cassie broke the kiss, gasping for air "Daddy, wait for a second." She grabbed the hem of her purple T-shirt and pulled it over her head revealing breasts covered in a lacy low cut purple and black bra.

Dean groaned "Are you trying to get fucked on the hood of this car right now? Cause if you tease Daddy, Babydoll that's exactly what's gonna fuckin' happen."

"But what if that's what I want Daddy? What then?" She said giving him a pseudo-innocent look.

"Open the door and get off me babydoll, You want Daddy's cock? You got it." Dean growled.

Cassie opened the car door and scrambled off him, already heading to the hood of her car. If she was honest with herself she'd been fantasizing about Dean fucking her on the hood of her convertible since the first time she'd set eyes on him, months before that fateful night when he'd saved her from whatever Randy had planned to do.

Dean came up behind her and spanked her ass fast and hard. "2 years, 2 years of Anderson and Gallows sneaking our real letters back and forth so those fuckheads checking letters at the prison couldn't get off on all the dirty, nasty things I wanted to do to my doll."

He reached under the short black skirt she was wearing "No panties? Really, doll?"

"I took them off when I realized we wouldn't get to be alone at the house right away. You told me to pull over before I could show you so we could stop." She gasped as he started to stroke her already soaking pussy.

"Lean forward, hands on the hood babydoll." He commanded, smirking when she obeyed. "That's Daddy's good little girl."

Cassie heard the jingle of Dean's belt buckle and prepared herself to get fucked hard and fast, only to be shocked when she felt her Daddy's mouth on her pussy instead. Dean had dropped to his knees on the pavement behind her.

"Gotta get a taste first, been waiting for so fucking long." He said swirling his tongue around her hard clit before taking it into his mouth and sucking messily.

"Oh fuck, Daddy please!" Dean grinned to himself, he'd made the not so innocent preacher's daughter forget herself enough to curse, something he knew was very, very rare.

"Do you want to come on Daddy's mouth or cock babydoll?" He asked standing as he replaced his mouth with two thick fingers, thrusting them inside and cooking them to hit her G-spot dead on pulling a short loud scream from his beautiful girl.

"Cock, Daddy. Need you inside of me please." She said on a wail as he hit that spot perfectly once more.

"Birth control?" He asked as he finished undoing his jeans and pulled his achingly hard cock out.

"All set Daddy, please, please fuck me." Cassie moaned nearly mindless with pleasure now.

Dean turned her head toward him, kissing her deeply before grabbing her hips and burying his cock inside her with one hard thrust.

Two loud moans, one deep and gravelly, the other high and almost musical filled the air.

"Oh God, finally. Finally fuckin mine in every single way." He growled setting a rapid pace as he reached around and pinched her clit. He knew damn well he wasn't going to last very long and he'd be damned if his girl didn't come on his cock like she wanted to.

Cassie was primed and ready feeling the pleasure coil almost immediately in her belly.

"That's it baby come for Daddy" Dean groaned feeling her pussy begin to spasm. "Shit, fuck!" He damn near screamed as he began to cum inside his girl just as she fell over the edge herself alternating between screaming his actual name and Daddy.

He laid across her back for a moment as they caught their breath before putting themselves back together and continuing the drive home to Haven.

[mymusicalitylove]

Dive

In my feels. Trying to be productive and direct them in a positive way.

The other night I feel like I broke because the latest disappointment (that I created for myself), came to the surface. I took a hot shower, cried and told myself to let it all go. Hardest I have cried in a long time because I replayed a lot of scenarios about this endless loop I seem to be stuck in: I give up on this notion called ‘love’, discard it and begin to focus elsewhere.. then along comes another unsuspecting fool that says all the right things to get me twitterpated and caught up in the fantasies my brain creates. I get sucked in and think, ok, maybe this will go somewhere.. just to BAM! Slam my face into a wall of unending disappointment. Wash, rinse, repeat. It feels as though this scene has been on replay about eleventeen times over these last few years, and all I can say is: How. Fucking. Stupid (Who is the REAL fool? Ya, that’s me).

I went to bed after my therapeutic shower and slept ok, but kept waking up. I finally decided to get up and be productive, and had Ed Sheeran’s “Dive” stuck in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while so I’m not sure where it came from, but it stayed with me the entire morning. 

My entries on this thing almost always relate to music and how the lyrics relate to my life. I’ve saved some drafts with songs I’ve wanted to write about later. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided to write; I checked my drafts and whoa.. “Dive” was already on there.. I don’t even remember saving it. 

(Despite there being a few too many typos for my taste in this post above, I feel it, Rising Woman!)

September 2019 is the most notable time I can remember starting the self-destructive cycle. My boss left at work and I decided I needed to do something to change my life up. I put all my energy into planning my amazing sabbatical in Italy. Everything was set up; all the wheels were in motion for me to see Europe, do me selfishly, and not worry about shit! In my mind I put together plans of sightseeing, concerts, volunteering, gymming, wandering, and getting lost in the country I fell in love with a year prior.

In October on a night out with friends, I met an EMT at a bar. He worked his bullshit game, and did it well because he was intriguing. He made me feel good over a two hour convo that honestly felt like a first date, and convinced me to give him the digits (which I don’t freely give to strangers). Too bad the man never called. Womp, womp.

After a taste of those vibes I craved that “feeling” again. I tried a dating app again for a couple months. In a comical turn of events, said dating app matched me with this same EMT! This presented me with the opportunity to call his ass out, and incidentally feel validated as to why it actually was better he never called. Talked to a few other guys on the app, but really can only report on a couple stupid funny anecdotes of just how sad it is that guys don’t know how to talk to women anymore. At least this time I wasn’t taking it seriously and only did it for shits and giggles. Decided okay, just keep focusing on plans for Italy, stacking that paper, and looking forward to the new year (*point and laugh at the idiot who had no idea what 2020 had in store!*). 

In January a boy (with a girlfriend) who I’d had innocent flirtation vibes with for a while tells me he’s now single. I had already placed him in the “not gonna happen” folder, and his confession obviously began a different wave of chemistry and banter for months. We had a conversation about the reality of where I am/what I’m ready for, and where he’s at/what he’s not ready for. Oh, and in the midst of all this, Covid hits and I have to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel Italy and deal with the feels of defeat that followed. And let’s also add all the sadness of being stuck with only me, myself and my thoughts in quarantine.

One last convo in April with “previously not gonna happen” sealed the deal of this endless string of flirtation not going anywhere and back in that folder he went. I then decided to give my number to this other guy who had shown interest a while back (but I hadn’t paid him any mind cuz I was stuck on folder guy). New dude didn’t really engage, so I disregarded him again, and worked on rearranging my place, organizing, decorating, spring cleaning and purging. Fast forward to now, it’s June and new dude comes back to work, asks to hang out, we have a great first “date” lasting three hours, and now here I am less than two weeks later wondering what happened. New dude: MIA / Me: WTF?

I truly do not understand why this cycle continues. Each time I feel like I get closer to something real, just to be lead into feeling like a fucking moron. I can’t stand it anymore, and it honestly makes me want to go back to being guarded and jaded, but I know that’s not the right way to find anyone. So I open up and allow some level of vulnerability, even though I’m scared af cuz of how hard I fell five years ago with the man I thought I was going to marry.

This is gonna hurt, but I blame myself first

'Cause I ignored the truth

Drunk off that love, my head up

There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me

I was so obsessed

It was a matter of time

But you are the fire, I'm gasoline

Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

'Cause I loved you dangerously

More than the air that I breathe

Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

Didn't care if the explosion ruined me

Baby, I loved you dangerously

I learned a lot from that short but impactful relationship. It was the love of my life and I went into it with complete abandon. I loved him dangerously. Things felt “right” and escalated quickly, which lead to our demise because we did not explore all the things before going full force into a relationship. We mutually thought this was “it” and talked about the future we would have. It completely broke me to end things, and upon rebuilding the pieces of me, I promised myself I would never rush into things like that again. 

I know that I do it to myself, but I guess I don’t know how else to do it. If I’m closed off and guarded, I’m not welcoming anything in; if I’m open and vulnerable, I start to dream in fantasyland with expectations just to be let down and end up inevitably disappointed. I clearly don’t know how to find the balance that works and it has become maddening beyond words. 

I need to find that balance, and it would be a lot easier to find in non-Covid times where I could have something else to focus my precious energy on, rather than wanting to find “my person”.

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh, just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Don't tell me you need me if you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you

And I've been known to give my all

And lie awake, everyday don't know how much I can take

I could fall, or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

Sitting back, looking at every mess that I made

This new dude made me really feel this. I tend to fall, and fall hard because I am so ready to give my heart to someone. But I need to put on the brakes and slow my damn roll. 

I can’t keep getting my hopes up. That is ultimately my problem. I tell myself to not have expectations and I do well to begin with, then have an amazing connection and am fed (what is obviously) bullshit and fall for it like a moron. I have grown thicker skin this time around, so at least there’s that.. but hopefully this has been my last lesson. 

I have found a new diversion for my focus and just put in my first offer for a new home! This will be my new passion project and will take up my thoughts and energies for a while, so as freaked tfo as I am, I am equally excited for this new venture. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it’s not, my new little home is out there somewhere not ready for me yet. 

06/19/2020 - 11:51 PM