#i'm glad the site is back online anyway

[rachlactoseart]

Hello Welcome Home fandom!

Came here to offer humble art to all of my favorite characters.

It's the first fanart I've done in my entire life for some game/ARG/movie fandom and anything else. I'm very happy that I made something that I liked and I hope that you like it too. Enjoy :)

@clownsuu

A small fanart for one of the artists that motivated me to make these drawings. Your art is amazing, and I love your AU, I hope you like it.

[starlit1daydream]

On the subject of Equius Zahhak: hypersexuality and patriarchy.

It's been a hot minute since I promised to write something like this, and I've been meaning to test a new writing style for these big posts anyways - so I'm going to try my hand at explaining my personal interpretation of Equius Zahhak.

Equius is one of my favourite side characters in Homestuck, and though the individual components of his characterisation are intentionally facetious and humourous, all of these components then come together to form a fantastic and deeply layered commentary, however unintentional.

Let's begin with the basics: our introduction to Equius proper.

The narrative makes it clear from the start how you're meant to feel about this guy for starters - he's a creep and a weirdo. Nepeta says as much in their very first interaction on-screen:

This is backed up by the narrator themselves exhibiting a discomfort with him, painting him as a cryptic and eerily observant loner:

Once again, he's making people uncomfortable. Discomfort is going to be a very common theme going forward, particularly once we tap into Equius' personal interests and the justification behind them.

The next sign is when we first see him properly on-screen, and the narrator is immediately mortified by the state of his room and advises us to move on with the story.

So, immediately, any cognizant reader knows what's up. This guy is a joke character. A punchline, a fool, a weird asshole with no redeeming qualities. This is, of course, the intended reaction.

...Which then brings us to the subversions involved with Equius' character. Every single off-putting and strange thing about him is subsequently repainted in a more flattering light by the conclusion of his screen-time.

What begins as an overcontrolling, possessive demeanour towards Nepeta becomes a genuine, albeit perhaps overbearing desire to protect his moirail from harm. The context of him being Vriska's neighbour helps us infer that he's very, very aware of the dangers of FLARPing.

What starts as a bizarre and testosterone-poisoned obsession with strength becomes more of a fleshed-out character flaw. It's an inherent fault that Equius cannot control that brings him more distress than anything else. We'll delve into that later.

This is not, of course, to say that Equius is without genuine fault. You are still meant to find problems with his behaviour, of course you are; the Aradiabot fiasco is an intentional violation of personal agency based around an unhealthy obsession. He allows himself and his moirail to die because of his refusal to disobey the vapid and classist hemospectrum.

Okay, so why is he like this?

I'm glad you've asked. This is where this delves more into conjecture, based around a few different things.

The state of the internet and online culture at the time of Equius' inception; and the ramifications therein.

What we know to be true about the aspect of Void, and how Equius interacts with it.

The added retroactive context of Hussie's handling of queer topics (as a non-binary person themselves!), particularly on the subject of gender identity.

Let's start with point one.

Equius and hypersexuality.

At the time of Homestuck's inception, it was a veritable fact that the internet was overrun with overt sexuality, oft for the sake of shock value as opposed to arousal. Screamers and shock sites like 2girls1cup, goatse, Mr. Hands... (that last one is particularly relevant).

I cite Mr. Hands in particular because therein we get to the use of bestiality as a gross-out punchline. This is what Hussie's invoking with Equius; you're looking at this guy and seeing a gross freak who hangs horse porn on his walls. It's appealing to the fact that:

Homosexuality was considered a funny punchline.

The furry fandom was considered a funny puchline.

Bestiality was considered a funny punchline.

And so, this thirteen year old child hanging gay horse porn on his walls is meant to be played for laughs.

But with the retroactive lens we're looking at this through now? It's not only deeply disturbing for reasons I don't think I need to explain, but it's also a portrait of unhealthy teenage sexuality and the ramifications of exposure to explicit content at a young age.

Because it's a veritable fact that Equius does not understand boundaries and has a deeply flawed relationship with his sexuality. It's the kind of hypersexuality induced by childhood exposure to sexual material, and I would go as far as to call it a kind of CSE.

Need more proof of this? Dave Strider. Bro's weird sex puppets and usage of pornography as a punchline undeniably fucked Dave up, and explains the way he so regularly uses sex, particularly gay sex as a source of humour. Dave is the same problem that Equius rises, played seriously at a point in the story wherein these things are no longer treated so facetiously.

Furthermore, it becomes clear that Equius does not actually understand what he is consuming and emulating. Pornography isn't pornography to him, it's fine art. He's uncomfortable and unhappy with his sexuality because he lacks a label for it and doesn't know what it is he's feeling. This is tied to his Aspect of Void; but more on that in just a second.

This is uncomfortable. It is meant to be uncomfortable.

Equius' toying with casteplay and power dynamics is a clear representation of this frayed relationship - and it also segues into our point about his lack of self-worth.

Equius, the Heir of Void.

The Void Aspect. The Aspect of irrelevance, secrecy, ignorance, simplicity and absence, amongst other things.

The Heir Class. The Class that indicates an overabundance of the player's Aspect that overwhelms them and embodies them.

Equius is he who inherits, becomes and is consumed by emptiness. Because Equius Zahhak does not have a sense of selfhood or self-worth. The inference brought about by his title as the Heir of Void is that Equius is overwhelmed by nothingness.

Combine this with his Dersite status and the consensus on Lunar Sway (Prospit indicating externalisation, Derse indicating internalisation) and you get a very clear image of how Equius' title translates.

An overwhelming, consuming sense of internalised absence and nothingness. This is where Equius' hemospectrum adherence comes in! It's a cover up to compensate for his purposelessness and lack of meaningful identity. He sees himself as being deficient in anything real or of substance, and so adheres to the system placed before him because it is the only thing he feels he understands.

Once again, this is uncomfortable and a real phenomenon amongst teen boys. We see it with Eridan, too; young and confused teenagers with no sense of purpose falling into harmful and bigoted pipelines because they have no sense of direction otherwise.

(In a roundabout sense this explains Tavros' role as well; The Page indicates a deficit in their Aspect throughout the session and so the trolls lacking Breath in the form of directionlessness fits fairly well).

It's almost like watching a young boy fall into the alt-right, or start feed into Andrew Tate-style snake oil bullshit. It's the exact same kind of exploitation on a much larger scale; because it's the whole of Alternian society orchestrated by Doc Scratch.

You know... the Doc Scratch meant to represent online groomers?

So, we've been over about all I can cover about Equius' sexual trauma, lack of boundaries and emptiness/lack of self. So, how does this translate? Particularly thinking on the last point, I'd like to give my two cents about a very interesting headcanon for Equius that's been circulating a lot lately.

Equius, and gender identity.

A transfeminine reading greatly enhances the content of Equius' character, and provides a narratively satisfying character arc and means of development for them.

(From hereon out, I will be referring to Equius by the pronouns she/her).

I've seen Nekropsii sum this up beautifully, and I'll paraphrase this interpretation to the best of my ability; Equius' manifestation of masculinity is akin to a poison to her.

It makes her into a grotesque, testosterone-poisoned freak that physically cannot interact with anything around her without hurting it. It is the metaphorical confusion and fury of dysphoria made literal. It is the emptiness and lack of self that I myself can corrobate as a trans woman myself.

Masculinity is a curse for Equius. Much like quite a few other Homestuck characters (Dave & Jake come to mind), Equius really fucking hates being a guy.

So, this ties into my final point.

How I personally would have developed Equius had she been given the screentime to keep being relevant to the story.

The transfeminine character arc seems obvious. I believe that, if a person would be willing and able to tackle the more obscene and deliberately uncomfortable components of Equius' character, you could make an incredibly raw and interesting portrayal of transition and identity.

What's more; this is corroborated by Equius' closest relationship. Nepeta Leijon, the Rogue of Heart. The girl whose role indicates the ability to share identity and selfhood. Nepeta could very, very easily function as a catalyst for Equius gaining her own identity and being helped through the transition process. It makes an already STRONG and stable moirallegiance all the more interesting and heartwarming to witness.

This is not to say that Equius should not have agency herself, of course; an important part of this development would be the formulation of an independent self without debilitating outside influence. It would be allowing herself not to be consumed needlessly by Void.

Equius, and further relationship dynamics.

Equius' relationship with Gamzee (which I have always read as a one-sided kismesis) is also very important to me. This is not healthy. Equius is using Gamzee as a vessel for her fantasies and lack of boundaries, and through her black feelings she vents out her frustration with her sexuality and intrinsic need to obey and serve someone of a higher caste.

I don't think I need to tell any of you how well that works out once Gamzee goes sober. (I'd rather not dwell on the topic of the Makaras too long; that's something for a wholly separate post - and one that I'm sure would end up being rather scathing towards Hussie).

Finally, Equius' relationship with Aradia. This is also one I feel is unhealthy and once again one-sided. It is the same principle as Gamzee; merely in the red quadrant as opposed to the pitch one. Equius is using somebody as a vessel to vent out her feelings of purposelessness and frustration, and deliberately ignoring the lack of reciprocation.

Both of these connections are similar; and both of them end with Equius getting her shit kicked in.

How one would retool and treat these relationships post-character development is up to them, but I personally think it would be healthier for Equius to step away from both of them. I don't think Aradia would want or need Equius' continued presence in her life, and Gamzee is notoriously terrible at relationships. (We know damn well how a reciprocated blackrom with him turns out, just ask Terezi).

Equius, in conclusion.

That's all I really have to say on this matter; a long-winded and ultimately self-serving wall of text that I'm sure will come off as masturbatory and stupid when I read over it again. That being said, I wanted to lay all of this down in one place.

tl;dr - Equius Zahhak is a complex and interesting character with commentaries on teenage hypersexuality and unhealthy masculinity, and reading her as a trans woman provides an incredibly interesting character arc for her in the long term.

[softestqueeen]

prompt 23 "Can I sleep in your room tonight? Is that a weird thing to ask?" for Penelope Garcia x fem!reader?

congrats on 500!! <3

a/n: thank you sm for requesting something! i had a lot of fun writing this (even though i'm not happy with the aprupt end) and i'm so glad to finally have written someting with garcia, because she is honestly such an underated character! she also looks so insanely pretty in this gif. but anyways, enjoy <3 warnings: mentioning of fictional case, just fluff I 1167 words pairing: penelope garcia x fem!reader special prompts I special masterlist

There were only very few instances where Penelope Garcia had to leave her Badcave and travel with her fellow colleagues of the BAU.

This time, the unit chief Aaron Hotchner, thought her expectise could be very helpful on sire, so here she was in Detrot, Michigan.

No matter how much she loved her colleagues, who were more her family than anything, she really didn't like the gruesome details and crime scene pictures. But unfortunately, being on site meant being way too close to these crazy sickos than she'd like.

This case was especially gruesome, the lifeless bodies of young women turning up almost daily, intricate online puzzles forums demanding every waking moment of Penelope's mind. The murderer(s) left the clues to these sites on his crime scnes, which meant Garcia wasn't just in the precinct with them, but had to go to the actual crime scenes.

Until now it was easy for the technical analyst to distance herself from the crimes, shenanigans with Morgan and cute baby animal videos serving as the perfect distraction for the gruesome murders.

The last victim though, hit a little too close to home.

When Garcia arrived at the crime scene with you, her best friend whom she also has a very big crush on, she could already feel the weird energy. The flat in which the victim would have been quite nice, if it weren't for the blood covering almost every surface of the living room.

But what really shook Penelope to her very core, was how much the victim looked like you. Similar hair colour, length, features and even the dress she was wearing could have been easily taken out of your wardrobe.

The technical analyst couldn't bare to stay for long, taking the nessecary evidence and quickly excusing herself to get some fresh air. She waited outside until you were done surveying the rest of the scene.

The moment your best friend hastily excused herself from the scene, you knew something was wrong. You knew this was hard for her, but this scene seemed to be very personal for her. Trying to wrap things up as fast as possible, you quickly joined Garcia again and the two of you wenr back to the station.

Not too long after you went back, Hotch told you all to get back to the hotel and get some rest.

Penelope was glad that she could finally get some rest and didn't have to look at the pictures of a woman that looked so much like you. Since seeing a more normal picture of the last victim, she realised that all of the past victims had similar traits to you.

The first victim had the same haircut, later a victim had the same nose and one even had the same first name. Oh boy, she did not like that.

When she got to her room, she took a shower, put on her comfiest pyjamas and tried to go to sleep. But she just couldn't. Everytime she closed her eyes it wasn't just anyone being brutally stabbed to death, it was you.

So, she decided to calm her mind by going to your room m and check up on you. Just a little hello and a quick hey, are you still alive or have you been stabbed? no? great, then have a good night and then she would be on her way again. Right, that's what she would do.

Garcia got up, put on her fluffy slipper and went to your room. Before knocking, she hesitated. Were you already asleep? Were you curently showering? But she also knew that she had to see you or she wouldn't be able to sleep.

What she failed to think about was that she was wearing her pyjamas and so would you. So, when you opened the door in short shorts and a tight tank top with no bra, Penelope was momentarily speechless.

“Oh, hey Garcia. Is everything all right?” Your question was justified after she had been weird after seeing the last crime scene.

“Oh- um hey, so yes- uhm no? Actually, I’m not alright could I come in?” Garcia quickly snapped out of it, her voice getting more quiet though with her last sentence.

“Yes, of course. You know you can always talk to me about anything, you know that.” You opened the door for your best friend and sat down on your bed, gesturing for her to do the same.

“Can I sleep in your room tonight? Is that a weird thing to ask? Oh no, I think it is, forget I said anything.” Penelope hadn’t even panned to say this, but in this moment, she realised that this was the only thing that would ultimately bring her any comfort.

“Garcia, that is not weird at all. Of course you can sleep in my room, like a sleepover.” You were glad that she wasn’t looking at you in that moment, because just thinking about sharing a bed with your crush (who was unfortunately also your best friend) brought a blush to your cheeks.

“You know you don’t have to talk about what’s on your mind, but just know, you don’t have to be embarrassed about anything, okay?” you told her with a gentle voice before putting your hand on her shoulder and rubbing comforting circles on into her skin.

Not wanting to pressure her into talking, you suggest laying down pulling the comforter back for Garcia and slipping under the covers next to her. Before you laid down though, you put on the bedside lamps and turned off the big light, creating a cozy atmosphere.

Once you’ve both settled in, Garcia admitted with a small voice. “They look like you.”

“Who?”

“The victims. When we went into this apartment today, I didn’t just see a dead woman, but I saw you. And since then, I realised that a lot of them have similar traits to you. I can’t stop thinking about you laying there with stab wounds all over you. I cannot lose you.”

Her voice was oh so soft and by the end a few tears had escaped her eyes. You lean over to her and cup her cheeks, wiping away her tears.

“Oh, Garcia, but I’m here. Nothing has happened, I’m alive and well. I didn’t realise seeing that crime scene made you so upset, even though I realised that something was off. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s fine, I think. I already feel a bit better, even though I’m crying at the moment. I’m just sick of seeing all those sickos doing this disgusting stuff to women who look like you.”

You knew in that moment, that what your best friend needed the most at the moment, was reassurance, not just verbally. So, you scooted closer to her and pulled her in for a big hug, which Garcia immediately responded to, wrapping her arms around you.

“I’m here for you, always.”

That night, Penelope could comfortably fall asleep without worries.

the requests for this event are OPEN! here are the prompts!

a/n: i hope you liked this, if so please leave some notes, likes, reblogs and comments! feedback is very appreciated! i’d like to write more with criminal minds characters, so if you have any ideas/requests lmk!!

please also consider supporting my ao3: @ softestqueeen

requests open!

taglist: @silvermagnolias@milywatermelon@bigbananaa

[etz-ashashiyot]

You know, during the 6-8 weeks that I fully stepped away from tumblr, it was in large part made possible by the fact that my personal life has been an on fire dumpster wafting down a stream of sewage (no I will not be elaborating publicly) to the point where I have been utterly incapable of engaging with anything else.

But one very pale upside to this is that, for those 6 - 8 weeks, I was so caught up in my own personal bullshit that I lived in a world where violent antisemitism on the left, violent transphobia on the right, horrific war updates, and the upcoming terrors of the US election and its potential societal fallout didn't exist to me.

And in particular, I was blissfully unaware of any unhinged things the tumblr red-brown alliance goon squad were saying about Jews.

On the one hand, I'm glad my real life has stabilized (a bit. for now.)

On the other hand, coming back to this site for even just a couple days has felt like

So anyway uhh. Hmu on discord if you want to reliably reach me lol. Also don't argue with idiots online... you're never ever ever going to convince them not to be a cesspool, but if you build community offline you're more likely to make a real difference (something most of these idiots cannot even conceptualize let alone do) or at least have IRL friends to weather the storm with.

[lizzieislife94x]

Dating Site (w.m)

Requested <3

 WandaG!PxFem Reader

sorry i haven't posted in a few days guys family came up from England and I've had a full house hahaha anyway i will be posting an AN in a few hours or tomorrow so please check it out when posted love yall thank you for reading as always i hope yall enjoy!

Y/ns POV:

I bite my nails feeling a little nervous as my mind runs wild I have a date tonight well in the next few hours and the thing that's making me nervous is I met her online on a dating site we've spoke on the phone but tonight is our first date her voice is heavenly I could listen to her talk all day and night "y/n coffees getting cold" my roommate yells snapping me out of my thoughts I quickly get up and walk into the livingroom "dude what if tonight goes wrong what if she doesn't like me or something" I sigh taking a sip of my coffee "y/n I see the way you smile at your phone when she texts or calls think positively what if she does like you what if she's the one worst case scenario you get railed by a sexy chick and never speak again" she says with a wink as she gently pushes my shoulder making me laugh "you know what youre right thanks jill" I finish my coffee before heading back to my room to shower and get ready. 

4 hours later:

Me:Hey I just arrived see you soon x 

I set my phone down as I sit at the table waiting for my date just a causal coffee shop date but its a cute little coffee shop my leg starts to bounce as my nervous build up "y/n..." I look up to see the most stunning girl I've ever laid my eyes I feel like all the oxygen has left my body "hey wanda right?" I say with a smile as I stand up to hug her which she returns I quickly pull her chair out for her as she sits "I'm glad you came" I say nervously we fall into a comfortable conversation It feels so natural we spend 3 hours talking getting to know eachother

"I can't believe it's 9pm already can I walk you home" she says with a smile I nod as we walk to my house continuing our conversation "well this is me" I say as we stop infront of my apartment she pulls me into a hug making me smile as I pull away she kisses my cheek "I'd love to go out on another date with you if you'd allow me to take you out" she says looking into my eyes I feel my cheeks flush and nod "yes of course" I say before we bid our goodbyes.

3 weeks later:

"You've been smiling at your phone for 19 minutes " Jill says making me look up "shut up tonight's my 4th date with wanda she's just text details I was thinking of asking her to come up tonight so do you mind if I have the place to myself " I say biting my lip me and wanda have been flirting alot making out and we always stop before it gets heated but tonight I wanna invite her up "oh la la la I can't believe youre on your 4th date and you haven't fucked yet" she says making me blush "dude shut up"

 Wands: See you tonight beautiful *1 imagine attached* 

I spit out my water looking at my phone as I open the picture an image of wanda wrapped in a short towel appearing on my screen oh fuck I can't breathe "what was that for!!" I look over to Jill covered in my water "you got sent a nude Holy shit!" I shake my head "no no I didn't I gotta go get ready bye and sorry" I quickly run to my room closing the door I lean my body against it as I bite my lip I strip to my matching bra and panties as I take a picture in the full length mirror

Me:I spit water all over my roommate thank you very much *1 image attached* 

I put my phone down and remove my bra and panties as I get in the shower I quickly get washed and wash my hair it takes roughly 20 minutes before I climb out and wrap myself in a towel I bite my lip as I walk in excited to check my phone I pick it up and screw my face up as there's no reply I start to type a message

Me: the picturewasn't that bad was it I thought my ass looker rather good in those panties..

I towel dry my hair as my phone dings

Wands: Baby baby baby I'm so sorry I was to busy trying to remember how to breathe then I couldn't take my eyes off the photo and youre right.. fuck your ass looked AMAZING in those panties holy shit

Me: Thank god I thought it was to much and you didn't wanna speak I got scared, I can't wait to see you soon baby and I have the place to myself tonight so I was thinking we could come back here afterwards?..

Wands:I have an idea why don't we just have the date at your apartment we can watch movies make out have a glass of wine or 2 make out talk and make out oh and did I say make out? 😉 

Me: That sounds like a plan I'll see you soon and i uh i dunno maybe we should uh make out?😏 

I put my phone down and I run out in my towel "Jill wandas just coming here for our date if you don't mind heading out please and thank you" I head back into my room and start getting ready since we're staying here I decided to go for short shorts and a tight vest top that shows my cleavage perfectly I throw my hair up in a messy bun as I sit on my bed deciding to watch an episode of friends to kill time 

2 hours later

"OK im off y/n byeee" my roommate yells "ok bye see you tomorrow" I yell back 10 minutes later my phone dings

Wands: I'm here baby 

I quickly run out to let her in as she wraps her arms around me holding me tight "I see you went for the casual look, I love it" she whispers in my ear making me smile as I step back "you look beautiful" i say truthfully as I pull her into the apartment we ordered some pizza as I spent the full time admiring her, her laugh her smile everything "that was some great pizza" she says leaning back as I agree we spend the next 3 hours cuddling watching a friends I feel the urge to kiss her so I sit up and straddle her waist as I sit "mh hey" she whispers as her hands settle on my thighs I quickly press my lips against hers as I start to make out with her the kiss quickly heats up a moan leaving my lips as I feel something hard pushing against my core I look at her a little shocked as she looks down avoiding my gaze I hold her chin gently making her look up at me "hey don't ever be ashamed I'm still here I don't care that you have a dick I find it hot" before I know it her lips smash against mine as we make our way to my bedroom the feeling of her hard member pressed against me only turning me on more "I can't wait to feel you" I pant out against her lips as we fall onto the bed our clothes being thrown everywhere until we're both naked I bite my lip at the sight of her as she does the same "fuck y/n"

she looks at me lust in her eyes as she stops and sits on the bed "I have something I need to say" she says looking nervous I sit up and rub her back "hey you can tell me anything its ok" she turns to look at me taking my hands "I have a BDSM kink" she says low as a giggle leaves my lips "me too I love being tied up" she looks at me shocked as the lust takes over her eyes once again "do you wanna do it" she says turning to me I quickly lean over into my drawer and pull out ropes making her smirk "oh you kinky little slut" her words turn me on more as I lay with my legs and arms spread "tie me up daddy" as soon as I speak the words she flicks her wrists and my arms and legs are tied to the bed I look at her shocked "that's a story for another time babygirl for now just relax if you want me to stop at anytime say Red ok?" I moan and nod as eyes explore my naked exposed body "ok daddy" I whimper as her hands slide up my thighs to my core her fingers spreading my pussy lips as a moan leaves both our mouths "look how wet you are for me princess such a naughty girl" she says as her slender fingers slide into my tight cunt causing me to arch my back and moan "mmmh fuck wands right there feels so good" I moan as she kisses up my body thrusting her fingers perfectly hitting all the right spots her lips latch around my right nipple as she sucks taking no mercy I can't help but scream her name as she curls her fingers hitting my gspot with each thrust "I'm gonna..oh god I'm gonna..cum" I pant as I cum all over her talented fingers my breathing rapid as she slips her fingers out "such a good girl did that feel good baby" I nod as I try to control my breathing "are you ready to take my dick babygirl" she says as she positions herself between my spread legs the sight enough to make me cum again I let out a whimper as she runs her head through my cum soaked cunt "please daddy please" I beg still breathing rapidly I feel her line herself up to my entrance as her hand grabs my tit I feel her slam deep inside me "uh fuck y/n shit your so fucking tight" she moans into my eyes as she starts thrusting "so big so big" I pant desperately needing to touch her to pull her tighter into me "fa..faster daddy" I moan as she starts pounding my cunt faster and harder I've never been this turned on I've never been this wet but fuck me does she do something to me and I love it "yes yes yes!!! Don't stop please oh my fucking god yessssss" I scream as she slams her length into me at a bruising pace her moans in my ear making it harder not to cum "let go princess cum all over my dick" as soon as she whispers into my ear it's game over I cum all over her dick as she continues to pound me faster "fuck wanda cum inside me" she groans and I feel her thrusts become sloppy letting me know she's close "I need to feel you filling me baby p..please" I pant as another orgasm crashes over me after a few more thrusts I feel her deeper than before as she slams inside me shooting her load into my cunt her body collapses onto mine as we both pant trying toget our breaths back "I have never..felt that amazing" I whisper into herear as she sits up and slides out me moaning at the sight "me either baby" she says as she unties me before heading to the bathroom to clean herself and returning with a damp cloth to clean me "now time for lots of cuddles and kisses because you deserve it baby" I smile as she climbs into bed I instantly wrap my arms and legs around her "can we watch more friends please baby" I say with puppy eyes as she giggles "of course we can baby as long as I get to hold you" I smile as i put the TV on and load friends we spent the rest of the night in eachothers arms this is what I want forever with her.

AN: I hope this is ok I always feel these are crap when I write them haha but as long as you sexy people enjoy them that's the important thing requests as always are open babes word count , stay hydrated babes 2.1k

[secondbeatsongs]

Please elaborate on the Judy Blume fact

from the mid-00s to the early '10s, Random House had a website called "Random Buzzers", a place for kids and teens to talk about books

they had fun activities (short story contests, writing prompts, quizzes, etc), and for some of the activities, you got rewarded points, which you could then use to buy books in their online store.

it was a fun time! I really liked writing short stories and poems and stuff for the contests, and this wasn't like (afaik)...predatory? it wasn't something where the site was going to take these stories and use them later, it was just...for fun.

unfortunately, the site is down now, and with it all of the cool stories/art/poems/etc that people made. :/ but thankfully, I have most of my stuff backed up.

anyway! this site also had events where an author would join their discussion forum for a few days to answer a bunch of questions and talk with people. and one time they had Judy Blume join, and I got to chat with her a bit!

I talked about the books of hers I'd read, and showed a picture of my copy of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, and she told me that she was impressed I had a copy that was so old, and also that she'd always been annoyed with the cover art for that edition, because the cut of Margaret's dress made her look pregnant. xD

I also talked about how because I was homeschooled, I liked reading books about kids going to public school, because I would never know what that was like - and she said that made her wish she had written her books more descriptively, which I thought was sweet.

anyway, we had a nice talk, and she left the forum a couple days later, and that was that.

then, some time later, Judy Blume was at the national book festival, so I went, hoping that she would sign my book. and when I got up to the front of the autograph line, I said, "hi, I don't know if you remember me, but I talked with you once on random buzzers"

and...she did remember me! she knew my username, and that I was homeschooled, and she was excited that I had come to see her, and that she got to sign my book (even if it was a cover design she didn't like xD)

she just seemed really nice, and I'm glad to have had that experience.

[marshallpupfan]

Seeing just how much Marshall merch you got, I've been meaning to ask this for quite a while now but I'm too shy and didn't want to get hopes up (neither mine nor yours)... Anyway I just summoned up courage so let's go for it before I back down again:

Have you, by any chance, ever seen some kind of licensed "self-insert" book?

I know of an online Brazilian book seller who gets licenses to make these kinds of stories. The person goes over to the website, creates their character (like one of those dress up dolls, sort of, picking gender, name, skin color, height, hair, some small variety of clothes and accessories, etc) - they're like "create the child's character" because, well, the stories are aimed for children XD - and then this template-created character is automatically inserted in the chosen book from their gallery. Then, after confirming purchase and payment, the custom book is printed (hardcover, pretty big in size with around 30 pages, the one I checked had 32) and shipped. From what I've seen it's very good quality and the stories are simple but entertaining, inserting the kid into the adventure and having them help save the day in some big way.

They had 4 different Paw Patrol books for that, AND ONE OF THEM WAS A READY RACE RESCUE STORY, which is one of my favorite Marshall adventures (I grew up watching races with my dad) and I've seen somewhere you like this special too - But they're not in their website anymore. I swear it was there barely two months ago! I have some screenshots I took when I did a "let's see how it would look like if I'd buy it".

I could send an e-mail asking what happened and if there's any chance the books will be back available for purchase again. The thing about "not getting hopes up" is just because I'm too poor to buy one of those (it's not even expensive, I'm just actually poor) but I guess I could "bridge" one for you - if they show up again, I mean XD Granted the stories are in Brazilian Portuguese, but I could send along a complete translation too.

Anyway yeah, I just wanted to know if it would be something you'd like to have and if it's a thing somewhere else too or just here??? I've never seen anything like this anywhere else before.

I meant to send all this in the DMs so it would stay between the two of us, but yours are closed (I get it, you got that annoying copycat dude onto you, I saw the post) so I hope you don't mind me sending this as an ask anyway. You can answer me through another ask if you'd like instead of publishing this, no need to follow any of my blogs just to message if you're not comfortable! Hope you're having a good day and enjoying your new merch, those are so awesome!!!

I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've seen something like this sold over here in the United States before. However, I could swear ours did things differently, in that instead of a custom-made character, it used an actual photograph of the child so their likeness would be on the cover and on the pages, itself. At least, I could swear that's what they did, but it's been years since I last seen one, so I could be mistaken.

That's pretty cool to see they used Ready Race Rescue for one of these! I'm always glad to see that mini-movie get more attention. As for why it disappeared from the site, I suspect it's because this sort of thing is a lot more difficult to publish than your typical mass-printed book. Most pages will use that custom-made character, so editing, printing, and shipping it out might take all the longer. Perhaps they just got so many orders and had to remove it for a while to catch up? I'm not sure, but hopefully it returns someday.

In any case, I'm not sure if I'd be interested in something like this for myself, since I'm typically not one to insert my likeness into something or create an original character of sorts that represents me, but I certainly appreciate the offer! I do hope that, someday, you're able to get one for yourself!

[not-poignant]

Ooh, cool! Thank you so much for the long reply! A lot of this was genuinely completely new to me -- I'd never known there were ongoing discussions that early, but of course it makes complete sense there were, both on LJ and predating it. I think it also goes to show how well we could self-segregate on LJ, I think moreso than we can now.

I think, in retrospect, that a lot of my experiences with 2000s fandom can be summed up with, 'I was a teenager' and thus wanted to be 'cool'. There was a lot of 'not like other girls'-ism going on in those sporking and Mary Sue comms, and I always just assumed we were all teenagers -- it certainly felt that way. The few people I've kept in touch with from those days have largely grown out of it, though it doesn't surprise to hear there were (and probably still are) grown adults who shit on others' fanfics.

(As an addendum, I could add that slashfic and that sort of 'canon non-compliance' was completely okay in the fandom spaces I ran in back then, but people would get very upset about extremely arbitrary things-- 'transfer students' in HP, changing characters' ages, making up a minor oc side character for plot purposes because all ocs were apparently bad (and especially if female), etc. It was strange which hairs people decided to split.)

Anyway! Thank you VERY much for such a long and in-depth reply! It's cool to see how these things have changed and developed, and I'm glad to see my experience wasn't emblematic of fandom as a whole.

Thanks for such a thought-provoking question! It really got me thinking about how Livejournal was really excellent at creating different sort of pockets of experiences, and in a while is really reflective as proto-social media of like, the big echo chambers we have happening now all across social media! That's really interesting to think about.

For me, it's funny, most of the fandom folks I knew were all older than me, many were in their 40s and 50s while I was in my 20s. Very few teens comparatively were attracted to certain fandoms like The X-Files and NCIS some of the other spaces I was in, so while there were definitely teens, it was like... a different feeling. Like, even these days I find it fascinating how there are 'younger' fandoms (in terms of how many younger folk are in it) and 'older' fandoms.

And yeah you're so right about people getting upset about arbitrary things! And also that um, 'not like other girls' which now itself is kind of mocked by fandom, so things really did come full circle on that front where now it's not cool to be one of the people who says that x.x

Honestly it's hard to be a teenager on the internet! All the things that play out like... all the dynamics, a lot just play out online instead, and they still exist. A person still wants to be cool and accepted and liked (and that's not age specific, like, most of us want a degree of at least some of these lol), and cliques can form very quickly. I remember how bad it felt back then even in my 20s when I got unfriended by a mutual who I thought was a really good friend, that stuff was devastating!

"making up a minor oc side character for plot purposes because all ocs were apparently bad"

Ahaha this is one of the reasons I still sometimes have like apologetic tones in some of my comments about the amount of OCs I add, because yeah that was really disapproved of! I remember that and I still have like... shades of that at times. I'm mostly over it now, but oof I remember the first time I did it and I was like 'is this okay *chews on fingernails* I bet people will hate this because of it.' (And then that turned into Fae Tales so).

The Mary Sue stuff was really aggressively unpacked, like in very popular kind of fandom-friendly journalism spaces at the time, I mean that's how we ended up with the journalism site 'The Mary Sue' in the first place. People really took a stand on that one. In a way, we were all kind of looking at our own attitudes, like, *why* is it bad to do this, or *what* does it mean that a girl feels like they can't be like other girls - is that internalised misogyny (and sometimes it was), and I miss that kind of meta discussion because I do feel it happens a little less now.

There was a time when I didn't like Mary Sues, no one did, though I think that was before I found my first meta community where it was like 'oh people are talking about EVERYTHING I thought was like universally accepted in fandom.' Though we never got that far on how racist fandom could be, which is still an issue, but one that does get talked about (it would just be nice if AO3 talked about it too).

I sadly think a lot of people in their 40s and 50s can act a lot like teenagers in fandom spaces sometimes, some of the antis in like teenage spaces today are like 40s kind of 'guiding them along' this path of moral puritanical righteousness and almost role-modelling how to bully others. And some of the folks running public Sporking blogs were like... older folks who fostered connections to younger folk.

LJ was wild tbh :D

Anyway, it's so interesting to think of all the different pockets we ended up in. I'm sure there's like countless more that we both have no experience of, where someone else would be like 'oh I was in LJ fandom what's a Mary Sue?' and that would be entirely legitimate too. Sometimes it's easy (I fall into this trap) to think of historical fandom as being one thing instead of like a thousand things. So yeah, this was cool! Thank you :D

[macfrog]

hi. hello. you are amazing.

cowboy like me? yeah. had me biting my pillow squealing like a teenager. i had to get up multiple times to listen to music and day dream just to try and push some of the emotion that it made me feel out into the universe.

easily my favorite fan fic i have ever read.

you and a few other accounts on here got me back into fan fic writing after a very long dry spell. we’re talking like, 3 or 4 year dry spell. college is taking up all my time, life gets crazy, the whole shebang, and reading your fics (and a few other peoples as well) really made me realize that writing fan fics was one of the greatest forms of self care for myself that i had been missing out on for quite some time.

your writing was one of the ones i read (is that proper grammar? LMAO) that inspired me to get back at it, and i’ve already published 2 fics in the past 24 hours because of the influx of creativity and the spark i’ve felt from being back on this site. like it’s crazy what immersing yourself in such vibrant, beautiful, gripping fics can do for creative blocks!

i really also just love how you seem and the energy you exude, and you seem so sweet and approachable and i would love to be friends or mutuals or people who only talk occasionally but always keep the same energy sooooo !!!! aghhh. sorry if this comes across as awkward. i have been pretty introverted these past few years as far as the online scene goes bUT ANYWAYS!!! i just wanted to let you know that cowboy like me inspired me and lit this fire in me and holy fucking hell do i love joel miller.

🌸💞💗🐥,

- bell

hi hello bell you are amazing!!!!! wtf this is all so unbelievably kind. thank you so much 🥺 i'm so thrilled that it sits with you in this way. means the absolute world to me

i'm so happy to hear you kicked your writer's block! welcome back !! i and i know plenty other writers can relate so strongly to life getting crazy and time for writing just slipping like sand through our fingers. it is far too easy to forgo self care, but i'm so glad you've rediscovered your passion!

please please always feel free to stop by and talk whenever you feel like! we're allllll pals here. and i will absolutely be adding your fics to my tbr to check them out asap, thank u for letting me know !!! very exciting stuff.

swing by anytime! xx

[paramorearchived]

June 23, 2013

Transcript:

what's cooler than being cool?

..... being yourself. That's what.

I was just thinking the other day... Looking at random blogs, fashion sites, online zines... and I got sad. Mostly because I feel like a lot of the different subcultures that exist today, exist because at some point there was someone who felt like they didn't fit in. (Stay with me.)They had a movement of their own to live for. So they did and maybe at some later point, it caught on or somebody else felt like they could fight for those same things. Maybe it wasn't even a "fight", maybe it was just a way of living. Marching to the beat of their own drum. My Granny always told my sisters and I from a very young age... "You girls just march to a different beat". I didn't really get it back then and honestly, I'm glad I didn't because when I was that young I didn't see the point in pointing out people's differences. It was just a way of living. Still is, I suppose. Or at least, I hope.

I do get it though and I see it in other people now... mostly young people. My sisters, for sure. But in a lot of our fans, as well. Again, mostly in the younger ones. Cause when we're just young enough, we're not yet jaded or bothered by what's "cool". We're not quite as worried about fitting into some of society's little cliques or sub-genres of human beings. So, we just do whatever comes naturally to us. Funny how there's an entire part of our culture completely obsessed with youth and beauty - yet we forget the most essential ingredient to youthfulness is that clean slate, non-judgemental, wide-eyed curiosity. You can't be sold any of that.

Anyway, I got sad because within these subcultures and an entirely new breed of "too-cool kids"... there are likely some people who, at some point, didn't fit in, weren't "normal", and probably needed somewhere to go to feel like they could fully express themselves. I see it everywhere. These are the nerds from junior high that got bullied everyday but then ended up in a band and now they've turned their old loser status into a trophy of pretentiousness to beat everyone over the head with. The guys and girls who wouldn't be caught dead in a regular old mall where they once probably got made fun of for what they were wearing... but are now wearing unique and fun brands like UNIF or Lazy Oaf (which, to be extra clear, I love) and calling everyone else "basic". I'm just saying, why doesn't the cycle end with the people who should've learned their lesson? Why aren't the once regarded weirdos and freaks raising up a new generation of people who are more self-assured in their individuality? Why does it seem like some of the strange ones found their bit of success and now look down on anyone else who doesn't look, think, or have the way they do? It's like seniors who constantly give sophomores a hard time as if they weren't just sophomores themselves like 3 years ago. I was not the most popular person in school. And even when I did have friends I still felt a bit like a weirdo. I'm not threatened by that... It's something that I hope to encourage other people with. That's a huge part of the message behind Paramore. To lift up the people who feel ashamed that they're different. To tell them that that's probably the coolest part about them.

At this very moment, at 24 years old, sitting here in sweats and looking/feeling utterly disastrous (hey, i got my rights)... I have to say, I'm really proud that as a kid I never felt like I fit in with the popular crowd. And as an adult, I don't feel like I fit in with the self-righteously uncool crowd either. Honestly, it's nice to be on a real quest to just be me everyday. No matter what. It doesn't matter if I'm in Silverlake, CA - land of the upturned noses - or back home in Nashville. Doesn't matter if we're on a red carpet. I guess I just couldn't care less. I'm not saying it's always easy but it's always worth it to stay true to you.

If anything, this could be a Back To The Future type of warning, to anybody who cares enough about this post, that high school ends but it never actually ends. There will still be people around who try to point at you and laugh. Who think you're not on some tip like they are. Who feel like their job, their shoes, their money, their boyfriend or girlfriend, their lifestyle ... is on some level that you haven't even ever heard of. The truth is that no one else could live your life. Nobody else - man or woman - could wake up and put on your shoes in the morning. Nobody else could pull it off. So own that. Cool is a lie. Cool doesn't matter and it never did. Merely perception.

In conclusion, you are your own torch carrier. Don't let anybody steal your light. Wear what you want. Think how you want. Challenge normal. And yes, even challenge what's "cool".

In total conclusion... We're really excited to be posting the video for "Anklebiters" in a couple of days. This is not an official single release, this is just a video we wanted to have done because of what the song has come to mean for our band. Thanks to all the people who came up on stage with us over the last tour and a half and sang it with us. This song is our way of contributing to the art of self-love and self-acceptance, no matter the odds.

We love you guys and we love you most when you're being yourself.

xxxxx h

[madhatterplushies]

Disregard my previous ask, I saw a post of yours saying your shop will be re-opening in 2024

Figure I'll post an answer for folks generally anyways since I'm terrible at posting these things regularly xD

For anyone else confused by the current shop landing, it is currently password locked temporarily! This is because I'm working on re-doing a lot of the website and shop and might even move platforms??

A lot of my listing photos are really old and many items either need new photos due to updated designs/materials or they don't have polished photos to start with lol

I recently updated the look of my main site and dropped a little blog post there (which Im guessing is what you found and if so I'm glad its helped someone at least xD) but there's definitely some more changes to come and fingers crossed it will be a back-end change too that lets me keep everyone updated much more easily 💦

I've been focused a lot on patreon, conventions and my own health for the last couple years which did leave the shop kind on a back burner. Health stuff is starting to settle down and I'm getting much better at con prep 🎉 There's some catching up and some changes I'm planning for patreon but I very much want to shift the online shop back into the mix properly starting next year!

At this point my plan is to do regular themed restocks during convention breaks (themes like halloween, studio ghibli, new design drops, etc). November - March are months that should see regular restocks in the future based on my usual convention schedule but things are always subject to change of course xD

If folks have questions Im always happy to answer asks! :D

[theradicalscrivener]

Good gnus bad gnus time.

I pulled an all nighter earlier this week and knocked out the finale for CDE. All totalled it's like 13 or 14 chapters plus an epilogue. It was def a labor of love and I'm glad to be done with it. Now I can go back to writing other topics that people enjoy.

Life update: everything's fucked.

The parentals have been dragging me out of bed early all week with random demands. Drive my mom to the doctor. Deal with a repair guy they hired but weren't able to be there for the visit. Sometimes they just call me at ass early o clock to tell me to wake up because no one should sleep so late even tho I sleep so late because nighttime is the only time I feel safe to be active. It's when I do all my writing and gaming because a) work actually leaves me alone and b) I don't (normally) have family barging into my room without knocking at 3 am.

I'm currently kinda stressed about funds ATM. I blew all my savings and my last months paycheck repairing my car. Over the past few months I've been sinking more and more money into it to get it running. What started as a small warning light Digivolves into needing massive electrical work.as well as getting the entire ABS system replaced. All totaled I spent over 10k on it. I did some shopping for a new(?) Car but with interests rates as they are most dealers were offering 15% apr which is insane. So I decided to get my car running and see if I can keep it alive long enough for the market to turn around.

The good gnus is that I got it running and it seems to be working fine. Just in time for me to have to go on a road trip for work which will require me having to pay for mileage and room and board out of pocket with the hopes of maybe getting refunded some of it.

On top of that I've been paying for more and more stuff for work out of pocket with the promise that I will be reimbursed, but there's no telling when or if that will happen. So there's a few k there. Also my work hasn't paid me for May yet because the big boss is upset about the way the sites are being run and has not approved payroll until he finishes his inspection which will take a few weeks.

On top of this, I had a $3k tax bill due which I paid back in April. In may the gummint sent me almost all of it back as a tax refund. I used this money to pay for the aforementioned car. Earlier this month they sent me a notice saying that the refund was an error and now I owe all the money they refunded plus late fees and interest for not paying my taxes on time.

This is all on the tail end of surviving the semester from hell. I can't remember if I mentioned this here but I was in a class that the one entire course was structured around "group work". Well I got stuck with a group that didn't do anything and so I had to do it all by myself. I did the work of five people while holding down a full time job+.

Anyways on the writing front. I have a few chapters of CDE to post and a new Lumen chapter. But I realize those stories arent the kinda thing my core audience cares about. I've been struggling to find the time and energy to actually post anything because even after I finish writing and edits it's still at least an hour of work to format stuff for html and then share them online.

[pink-strawberry-kissess]

Hey, I was that anon that asked about the Nick Apostolides and his wiki. I just wanted to clarify, I wasn’t asking that to like disprove him being into Aeon or anything. I was genuinely interested in knowing if he was into it (and pretty happy to see he cosplayed Leon too). I don’t know what happened to his Wikipedia article, but it’s gone now everytime I try to Google it. There was this section that talked about something something he Leon and Ada’s relationship something something unhealthy after learning more about them? I mean I’m sure he could’ve changed his mind by now, but I was a little sad when I first read it, but when I saw you talking about how he’s might like it I was hopeful. Obviously I don’t have the Wikipedia article anymore to actually point to it, but if it comes back up again I’d like to look for it again. I totally agree that anyone can edit Wikipedias, but in my defense, I had seen that there for a few weeks now.

I’m 99% sure I did not hallucinate that….like, I saw it twice when I was reading the Resident Evil wikis. I really wish Nick’s page was up, but it’s just straight up gone. I dunno?

Anyway, I hope I didn’t cause any confusion there. I’m glad you brought up his instances of showing that he liked the ship. I’m also glad you mentioned when he said the “tell me you love me,” thing because I saw something about him saying that too and wasn’t sure if it was true.

helloo

apologies in advance if i was overly aggressive, it's hard to tell with anons and especially through text. and tbh most of the times i get overly accusatory asks on anon (and most of the time when i'm responding to anons, it's moreso, me explaining and answering to followers, so it could be seen as rude i suppose if i overly explain something like how i'm going to do now lol)

nick apostolides has never had an official wikipedia page.

if you go onto the resident evil 2 remake wikipedia page, resident evil 4 remake wikipedia page, and the leon s kennedy wikipedia page, you will NOT be able to find a link to a page for him. either he has not tried to have one made or another reason has made it so he does not have a page.

either way, yes it is EXTREMELY easy to edit pages and i highly recommend that people that go online look for actual sources for things before spouting misinformation.

if you're referring to the actual leon s kennedy page, there was a section where they talked about leon and ada's relationship and how it was "manipulative"

however this is the only line in the page that alludes to this.

there is a " resident evil fan wiki", however this is fan run and can be edited by literally anyone and currently does not have any of his opinions listed. so i'm not sure what site you're looking at.

if you ever find it again, i'd be willing to look at it though.

and yes, there are several videos where he actually explains the acting process for drawing out emotion for the leon and ada bridge scene, and how he was asked by the director to say "tell me you love me," in between lines to draw out different emotions for the following line

but yes

to everyone please please please know where you're reading things from. fan wikis are extremely easy to edit and lots of people write bad and horrible characterizations of characters, and sometimes those are taken as facts as they're from "reputable" sources and therefore those incorrect takes are regurgitated into a horrible game of telephone.

just try to be aware of it is all THANKS

[dynamitekansai]

Hi! Please feel free to ignore, but I love your blog and it's been making me want to take a more active interest in wrestling, after years of just enjoying the occassional gif/picture on my dash. If it's not too much trouble: do you have any tips on where to start? What to watch? What to avoid? Again, please feel free to ignore, you just seem very knowledgeable and I am a bit out of my depth.

Hello! I'm really glad you've been sparked with an interest to actually check out wrestling further!

I wouldn't say I'm knowledgeable on shit lmao. I am always, in all aspects of life, just fucking winging it. So let me start off by saying I don't even know how I'm expected to answer this. (But I'll make an attempt.)

I guess it depends. What has grabbed your interest most? Any specific promotion or particular wrestler? A style? The more soap opera storytelling type of wrestling or joshis just dropkicking the actual shit out of each other?

Idk, when I first got into wrestling it was old school joshi and the original g.l.o.w. so I just used to binge watch whatever I could find on YouTube and whenever I latch onto a wrestler I like finding whatever more matches of theirs are on online and going from there.

That's how I mostly go, I follow whatever wrestlers that grab my interest. I fell in love with Iyo when she was Stardom's Io and when she went to WWE I begrudgingly followed lmao. I was still half-assed about wanting to until I saw Naomi and I was like shit, well now I really gotta. I became a fan of Solo Sikoa in WWE but I like going back and finding his old pre-WWE Sefa Fatu matches and watching those.

Or if you just see a match that looks interesting and you know nothing about the build up to it or if you wanna watch follow up matches or whatever, that's fine, just check it out anyway. It may seem overwhelming, like jumping into a feud that's been ongoing long before you came in, but don't mind it much. There will be recaps and callbacks and so on. It's not that intimidating once you get into it.

There are YouTube channels where you can watch things uploaded by the promotions like GatohMove/ChocoPro, SETUP, Stardom, TJPW, GCW, DPW, MLW, Prestige, TNA (also their site), EVE, BAKA GAIJIN, DEFY, etc. Sukeban for some ungodly reason, the creative innovators they are, also have a TikTok account. They have streamed free live shows from TikTok. To which it varies but they upload anything from show highlights, free matches, preview clips of matches, or free livestreams. ChocoPro for example is a no-paywall promotion. They're all about free livestreaming shows so wrestling can be accessible for everyone. And no commitment, can just casually browse and see what you're into. Even AEW and WWE will post matches and such on their channels. RIP YouTube Dark and Elevation. (You can still go back and watch old Dark and Elevation shows on their channel.)

I'm a big fan of non-paywall wrestling because of how accessible it is and easy it makes for people new to wrestling to actually get into it.

And if you sniff around a bit there are streams of varying legality. If you already have access to streaming sites like Hulu where things like AEW or WWE are available on, just look up their regular air times and make it a routine. I only got into wrestling myself around 2016ish? ~ 2017 so I promise however I come across I'm no expert at all, it's just my one very overly invested interest. 💃✨

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary117

1/8-9/2024

monday - tuesday

i know why i was so tired yesterday, now.

i am sick once again, my whole body hurts and my nose is hard to breathe through and stuff, i feel like i'm always about to have a nosebleed, my throat hurts too. i love to live. i am so glad annoying cokeheads got me sick.

anyway today i was looking at old scans of fashion mags from south korea/china (probably hong kong i'd guess but no one specified) and japan (inescapable). i'll post some of my fav pics:

spur - japan - i like this last one because it gives me a fun idea for cover art, not the image itself, though it helps w/ pose ideas or whatever, but little watermark someone put up onto it. i think i need to do that w/ the photo i take of myself for the album art, have that there in pixelated text.

harper's bazaar - china

fhm - china - this one's super weird, the last image especially, hard to tell exactly what they were reaching for, the strangeness/relative uncanniness of these photos / defamiliarization of a magazine's approach to sex sells and whatever turning so genuinely weird and offputting feels artistically useful. it's so wholly gaudy and disorienting. weird stuff.

w - south korea

vogue girl - south korea - the scans of this mag are all super crazy, honestly, i didn't expect these all to be so interesting and good.

cosmopolitan - china - i can't tell if this one's text is part of the image or not but it's maybe my favorite part, how it's so ugly beside everything, the really strange gradient, too.

fruits - japan - i didn't realize this one continued through to 2007, really crazy, you only ever see the y2k stuff get passed around really. these outfits are super cute but like that one spur scan w/ the user's watermark, the watermarks here of this website are really interesting to me, i think i also want to stick some weird watermark onto the picture i take, i don't know what i'll call the fake site or whatever but i kind of want it to maybe be something ridiculous/violent in another language. i'd also probably do it in like 128x128 and upscale the text, and instead of having it be something white w/ lowered opacity, i'd try to index it so it's dithered white pixels, instead of smeary transparent text, and then upscale that.

the watermarking stuff is interesting, it's interesting that these scans of magazines that people used to create a sense of self/consume/receive what they ought to be / do are then turned into a kind of capital, at least when it's a website, to get people to refer back to the site/increase traffic, likely get people to pay money to not have to see the watermarks. it's a fun thing to play at, to me, the accumulation of basically trash information, the trading of images and their valuation. scans of magazines online are kind of like trading cards, it seems like, there's stuff uploaded on archive.org but not as much as anyone would hope, at least with this niche stuff. and there too, the safeguarding of images from being stolen, is sometimes present. i know they keep vogue locked up on there, same with a lot of books, you can't rip books out easily, i mean sometimes people do, but i don't try to do that really.

so en magazine - japan - another example of the watermarks on 2 of the 3 pics, this is what i'm imagining i'll try to approximate the above methods and stuff. also i really love how so en seems to really go in on a kind of fucked up revival of the 60s, the above range from like 07 to 2013.

re: music today, i did 2 tracks, i wanted to do more but i was getting hit like a truck by illness in the middle of the day. i think they've both turned out pretty good, maybe both need a little help w/ getting the kicks louder, but idk, my ears are maybe a bit messed up when trying to do that kinda thing. but i have to proceed. tomorrow i think i'll have to take care of this really tiny thing w/ a song, to get it right, and then maybe 2 other tracks. i am eventually gonna have to get back to my big problem track (really there are 2) but maybe by then i'll have a way better idea what i'm doing.

i am so sick, there's more i wanted to say, though. i read this pretty, frustrating, i guess, comic, tonight. someone posted it saying something like "this says a lot about being trans in north america" or whatever, and it mostly doesn't but it's interesting i guess to read something like that and think about why/how i feel alienated from ever being able to say anything stable about my own identity/gender. the frustration mostly though comes from this sense that everything's too perfect, the relations between characters are too neat and the things they know are too easy, almost, at one point a character looks at kiwifarms, and it's like, is this kind of person, because the comic is kind of working in types, the sort to so easily know about that. like, i dunno, it feels too easy, it seems like something find out about, when they're in the middle of the kind of thing that character was in the midst of, which would have been more interesting. but overall idk, there's a certain way of interfacing w/ oneself/other present in the comic, the sort of types it runs through, and stuff, it creates distance, even though i can sit there and be like, oh i know this type of person, i've met someone like that, or even just, i've seen this kind of thing from a distance. it's valuable to reflect on, because i try writing in similar directions sometimes maybe, i don't want to rely on types totally, i get why a comic would, in prose fiction it's better to get away from that but there's just stuff like that. really what i'm reflecting on, in my inability to say anything stable about myself, like, i can't say: i'm a girl, i'm a boy, i'm a man (speaking honestly, man is what i never want to be, i don't think i ever say i am one), i'm a woman (i don't really know what being one means, maybe, i'd need someone to tell me (and this throws up the whole issue of why girl/boy, that feels weird to me, i'm 25, i'm something else (but what, and like, i dunno))), without ever having to contradict it right after, i just want to be what i am without what feels like interference, but 'cis' is an interference too, i'm not cis, i know that, there's nothing else to know i think. anyway, because of that, when i write characters, the ones i'm writing as/using my personal life for, i can't really gender them, they can't gender themselves, they just are, no matter what, people stick things to them and they all let it linger, or they're troubling themselves over if they pass or not but that's something internal and particular. anyway, i guess there's a thought, where by never really saying anything outright, is that a cowardice, where i let the idea of normalcy/being normal creep in, i don't think so, i don't think i'm normal, or i don't think ultimately i help things be normal with my presence. i dunno though. i kind of hate the "some men are just feminine and are actually super normal" thing, not because it's untrue, but to say there's no complication there, and also that this isn't just a cope or whatever, is frustrating. it's frustrating because people are at once alienated from being 'trans' (a broad thing that can mean all sorts of things really) and wanting to still be seen as cis so people don't think you're weird. it's not something i hate the people that feel that way for, i hate the world that makes that desirable.

anyway, i dunno. it's basically all complex and fucked up. sometimes i think of myself in percentages but putting it to text feels like a commitment, i don't ever want to be committed to performing some percentage of gender. i really just want gender to disappear as a thing, but i also, obviously, really want to look a certain way, be seen a certain way, because of stuff that happened to me as a kid and stuff i saw and whatever, it's like necessary, i have to. no one has a gun to my head except i feel like one shows up when i'm ugly. i'm on a tightrope, i was put there, it's not my fault, a lot of people are on it too, like everybody is, it's terrible.

i think if tiqqun were writing currently on the young girl, they might be compelled to speak on trans stuff, but i think all they might say ultimately is that basically every human on earth is on hrt. they would be right. although that makes it sound like i think hrt is bad or something. or maybe not. i think hrt is good and i think about trying it sometimes, or not trying, i'd have to commit, that seems less scary than the percentages though because i could still really be whatever/nothing/everything. everyone's on hrt but they receive it via socially enforced norms/reality stamping down on you, you will conform to standards and so on and whatever. sometimes i think gender euphoria is really a negative thing, in ways, if you think about cis men and their gender euphoria, where they might get it from, being hard laborers or beating women, basically suffering and then throwing it around, things become more frightening. i experience euphoria when people stare at my ass and i want to kill them but i also want people to stare. when my gf is transfixed by me, it's really nice, but it's also scary, why do i want to be totally inert and just looked at. it makes me wretch but i can't help it, really. i need attention all the time. i'm writing about how fucked up my insides are, i'm so histrionic.

that's one thing on my mind. the other really is how much i hate being sick and how i am like a sick and withering whateverrrr. my head hurts distantly, in a threeway sort of thing, different points of penetration along my brain and stuff.

so, i should like, sleep, probably.

so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[xrdxbmx]

Need to get something off my mind.

*enters Wendy's*

I've recently been struck with a bit of nostalgia for Steven Universe, which led me to a bit of online diving into posts and blogs from the heyday of the show. Oh boy.

Back during 2014-2016, before I even had any interest in shipping, when I was busy drawing my Gemsona and playing the ''Steven Universe RP ''Roblox game, the community was busy indulging itself in unprecedented levels of toxicity. This was during a time when artists would be bullied and sent death threats for drawing a character wrong (we all know what I'm talking about) and a time when cross-site wars were happening (4chan-Tumblr wars). Bullying, trolling, drama, you name it, it all used to be so much worse.

And don't even get me started on the shipping community at that time. Which what this post will focus on;

Long ago in a distant time, before dinosaurs roamed the Earth, before the continents resembled what they are today and before opposable thumbs, there existed a ship called ''Pewey.''

Pewey was one of the earliest controversial and likely the most undeservingly hated ship in the show's history. People are allowed to hate ships, any ships, for any reason. That does not make it okay to stigmatize the very real people who like and post those ships. I'm appalled by the treatment people who shipped Pewey received and I'm glad that sort of behavior died down as the show matured.

This got me thinking about the simple yet genius approach the Crewniverse have towards shipping. As everyone knows, shipping is an integral part of any fandom and people put ungodly amounts of effort into producing material relating to their favorite fictional couples, canon or not. Due to this, the creators and creative teams of fictional media have a huge burden to carry. You do not wanna piss off and cause division within your own fanbase. The way the Crewniverse approach this is that they have a policy of ''ship everything and ship as much as possible!''

Some of you may know exactly what I'm talking about but I'll go further into it anyway because I'm in the mood to write today for some reason;

The scene above is the Crewniverse's animated response to shipping. It's the in-universe equivalent to what Rebecca Sugar and Ian JQ have been saying for years.

The best way to achieve peace and prevent shipping wars, is to give every ship fuel and regard every ship (except p3d0 ones of course) as valid and a net-positive for the community and its creative output.

Look deeper at the dialogue and the relationships between characters and you will notice how vague and complicated pretty much every relationship in the show is. This is by design. Every relationship is purposely suspended in this ''purgatory'' between friendship, platonicity and romantic potential. Barring couple dynamics necessary for the plot like Garnet, Connverse, Rose and Greg, Rose and Pearl etc, every relationship between characters that could be considered potentially ''shippable'' is just vague enough that it neither canonizes nor outright rejects shipping validity.

A recent example of this is in Bismuth Casual. Bismuth is shown having a crush on Pearl, much like Dewey did back in the day. Yet Bismuth herself states that, because Pearl is happy with whatever she has going on now, and because Bismuth wants Pearl to be happy, she won't (yet) approach Pearl with any romantic intent. This gives the ship between them (Bispearl) enough fuel to satisfy shippers, give a character (Bismuth) some sort of closure as a sendoff yet does not establish them as a canon couple, leaving other Pearl shippers satisfied and not feel left in the dust. Due to this, people can put their own spins on what happens next, if anything.

I really hope, that if by some miracle, or when the planets align and Steven Universe as an animated IP makes a comeback, in whatever capacity or form, that the Crewniverse continue on with this philosophy towards shipping. At least for the sake of our collective sanity.

If you've reached the end, thank you for reading through this and please, leave comments and opinions. We all miss this show so the least we can do is have discussions like these to keep the fans inside of us satisfied.

''Sir, this is a Wendy's.''