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39oa · 2 years ago

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(nonsensical hrpf data exercise) degree centrality graphing & other archive insights

intro/prior work

hello 🙇‍♀️ i'm not sure this post will make any kind of sense at all, but i love analyzing ao3 data and i especially find it fascinating in the realm of sports/hrpf because of the amount of player- and team-related attributes that offer dimensionality to fandom analysis when examined in parallel with archive metrics. i've already kind of done hrpf overviews on two separate occasions over the past year or so, but my method of collection differed in each instance and also always gave me new things to chew on and potentially explore, such as expanding on the link between player talent and shippability and whether high-draft picks have more fic written for them on average.

i most recently examined player data based on aggregated relationship counts since 2022, but this was a limited snapshot meant to piece together recent ficdom trends (see top ships since 01/01/22) and not be representative of fandom overall. basically, things i want to visualize/talk about now are:

hockey is so widespread as a sports fandom because there are 32 teams in the league, which when compared to a community like f1 makes it difficult to succinctly summarize primary relationships for. there is no self-contained grid of 20 drivers that remains generally fixed within a season, where every move in/out of that "roster" is highly reported upon and instrumental to fandom makeup, but instead a more amorphous network of malleable rosters featuring high-variance cascading orders of character visibility; in short, the difference between the most and least popular driver in f1 fandom is not the same as the difference between sidney crosby and that one ahl lifer who was called up to your 4th line two months ago because your team is utterly decimated and gunning for bedard.

Still: because rosters are so malleable and trades happen with some amount of frequency, and because hockey is still an "insular" ecosystem in terms of geographic accessibility and junior-age development (for better or worse; mostly for worse, but that's neither here nor there), players intrinsically have a low degree of separation between one another, whether it be as teammates now or as friends growing up in the ohl, ntdp, etc. i therefore wanted to take that a step further and look at it through fic metrics especially: can we use a summary of ficdom's real, tangible output and visualize it through a similar network? (+ where and how does that network differ from player connections in practice?)

back to the impact of draft pick # and assessments of talent relative to popularity, i also wanted to look at the most "successful" ships in ficdom from this network and evaluate the different distributions and impacts of their respective attributes. are certain player positions more popular? which nationalities are the most commonly shipped?

etc. But let's just get into it.

process

getting any kind of information from a 60%-locked fandom on ao3 is a nightmare and introduces a myriad of data-collecting limitations, so i do feel it important to disclaim that what i present in this post functions more in the realm of Approximate Interpretation and Potential Correlation than any actual 100% objective representation of fandom metrics.

a perceived limitation i have with character tagging metrics on ao3 is that they don't exactly reflect shippability; that is, if q.hughes is tagged as a character in a n.hischier/j.hughes fic, it gets attributed to his character tag but doesn't actually say anything about how many Relationship Fics exist for him on a whole. my best solution for this was essentially uncovering most of a player's relationships and summing their individual fic counts to create an approximate # of "relationship fics" for each player. so any kind of shippability graph going forward will use that metric.

i used ao3's relationship tag search and filtered by canonical in the men's hockey rpf fandom and only pulled relationship* fics ("/" instead of "&") with a min. of 20 works. ao3's counts are... Not the most accurate, so my filtering may have fudged some things around or missed a few pairings on the cusp, which again is why all the visuals here are not meant to show Everything in the most exact manner but function more so as a "general overview" of ficdom. although i did doublecheck the ship counts so the numbers themselves are accurate as of time of collection.

(*i excluded wag ships, reader ships, threesomes to make my life easier although i know this affects numbers for certain players, hc/gm ships, and any otherwise non-NHL Player ship. for ex., this eliminated anna kasterova/evgeni malkin, tyler brown/tyler seguin, and kyle dubas/william nylander, just to name a few)

all ship data was collected march 16, 2023.

PART 1. SC87 ship networking

when i first began this exercise i tried graphing ships for all the first-overall picks from 2003-2022 because i wanted to get an overarching sense of their connections. however, doing so made me realize that sidney crosby was by and far the most-connected node in the graph (and basically all hrpf in general) with a degree of 11, and that he was centering one huge component to which only two ships failed to connect (op/kj and slaf/xhekaj). basically:

so then i was like, right! let me instead use sidney crosby as my sole starting node, map out all ships with 20+ works from him specifically, take the players he connects to and map out their corresponding ships (excluding sid) and just keep iterating until i basically reach a final child node. through this, i yielded 112 ships and 98 unique players, with my final connecting node coming 9 degrees of separation away through brady tkachuk ↔ tim stützle/quinn hughes. unfortunately i can't actually host this little code snippet anywhere lol but i also wrote an input to check the pathways between any two players which was kind of fun:

here is the actual network graph with colors from automatically generated clustering, which doesn't really mean much but i thought was one nice way of presenting it. the edge width refers to the sum of fics for each ship and the node size refers to the degree, or number of ships, for each player.

i then also joined my player set with a dataset that included draft year, drafted team, position, etc... and through that color-coded the graph with the team each player was originally drafted to (i always struggle between using current team and draft team because which one matters more is super contextual, but... using draft team made my life easier this time so i hope it's still interesting.) here i only included colors for 13 teams that had 3+ players each:

→ [full-size graph]

we can do a bit more analysis based on this specific sidcros network, like which players are the "most-shipped" or overviewing cross-team shipping tendencies:

but! of course, not ALL big hrpf ships lead back to sc87. using him as a central node essentially just helped me filter out excess "noise" when searching for relationship tags on ao3, because now i could exclude anyone connected to him at all (note: the relationship fics from my set equaled upward of 19,000 works, accounting for 60.4% of the entire men's hockey rpf archive) and hit other significant tags more efficiently.

through this method, i singled out a new set of 76 ships and 134 unique players (notice the significant decrease in overlap), which i then combined with my sid ships to create one massive set of Hockey Ships With Over 20+ Works On Ao3 that i could analyze holistically. no idea if this makes any sense but bear with me:

PART 2. general ship insights

i won't bore people with endlessly listing out ship rankings but here's the previous top chart with the new ships slotted in:

now for some overall player analysis!

first i wanted to look at how attributes like draft round, nationality, and position (F/D/G) are represented in the player set.

the nationality distribution is pretty close to all active nhl players this season, so there aren't major disparities there. however, the vast majority of players 1) were drafted in the first round and 2) are mostly forwards, with the forwards also seemingly reflecting the general philosophy of faster development/higher recent-round representation. we can take this overview a step further and actually examine the fic averages for each characteristic as a proxy for measuring shippability/ficdom popularity.

first, i scatterplotted all players by their draft pick and number of fic to (try and) show the heavy skew toward top picks (inspired by the gar draft pick value curve and other similar plots). this is... well, limited in many ways, and if i had an actually adequately large dataset i could specifically plot averages per distinct pick number and try to present something there, but the problem is that a lot of these later pick numbers only have like one player so there's way too much variance LOL.

but just for the sake of this exercise i excluded j.benn as an outlier and grouped fic averages by round (left below). again, noting the sample sizes, let's just say that first rounders on average seem to have the most fic written about them, even if it's not a particularly shocking insight. we can also try creating a histogram for "shippability" by draft year, binning here for every 2 years, to see which draft years appear to have had the most success (right below). note the peaks around 2005 and 2015, aka the sc87 and cm97 ~Generational Years~ 🤔

i've also been interested in figuring out which positions are commonly preferred—since centers are so often the faces of a franchise and are essentially the most sought-after position, and since goalies occupy a positionally static role/are less oriented toward contact (and the presumed homoeroticness thereof) in the way skaters are, is that reflected in the fic metrics as well? turns out: yes.

some ship analysis

learning more about player data in a vacuum is fun, but we also have all of this relationship data that lets us examine how different characteristics interact with each other, which is meaningful as well! for example, we know that forwards are heavily represented in the dataset, but is center4center the most common combination? or is there love for a franchise center and his beloved winger or the team's dependable 1d?

(fought for my life trying to figure out how to map this properly so please accept a horrible bar chart instead) as it turns out, the most common combination is centers/wingers, followed afterward by centers/centers. i don't know whether this really means much to me because i'd like to dissect the combos even further (is C/C more often 1C 2C or cross-team rivalry 1C shipping? are C/W usually linemates? etc.) but 🤷‍♀️ here's a graph.

i also distributed ships by their nationality combination, displaying to the surprise of no one a heavy preference (a whopping 66.4%!) for north american-exclusive shipping. i also thought stacking by "draft year" (= averaging the draft year between both players for each ship) offered some interesting insight into usa4usa shipping having slightly younger representation. also i do think usa/germany being singlehandedly driven up this chart by one family is remarkable and hilarious LOL.

also in the realm of draft year analysis, i wanted to look at draft year differences and whether fandom preferences seem to lie by way of same-age-ish pairings and In-Class Bicycling so to speak. graphing ships by these differences spanned a range of 20 years, with the oldest "age" (draft) difference being 20 years between zdeno chara and charlie mcavoy. overall, of 175 ships with a drafted player, 60.5% were drafted within 2 years of each other (18.2% in the same draft), and only 5% had a draft difference of 10 or more years.

then, of those 32 ships drafted within the same year, i distributed their counts by year to see which draft classes featured the biggest in-class clusters, leading us again to the Famed Class of 2015:

closing thoughts

i'll stop here :saluting_face: something else i had on the agenda that i don't really know how to adequately explore with this dataset is basically stanley cup champion stuff, e.g. looking at players and ships and fic counts from winning teams and how/whether a sort of "winning bias" has been trending down as of late (see the relative success of ships from teams like phi/ana compared to tbl/stl)—temporal data is so particular and difficult to wrangle with ao3 though so i'll have to let this one percolate a little bit.

finally, another thing (!) that i love examining is captaincy and how it often helps inform shippability; C/A/guyswithletters shipping obviously generously overlaps with being drafted early, high-impact players, some positional stuff like Young Star Center having the role foisted onto him, etc. and many of these aspects are immediately identifiable in top ships like 8771, 1634, 1386... just to name a few obvious ones. unfortch i don't really have the time or space to look at that here but it's something i'm still interested in maybe expanding on, and i also never ended up collecting actual skater *performance* data which would be super fun to eventually get to, e.g. mapping ficdom output to not just background identifiers like draft year/pick but also 1) actual tangible evaluations of player goals/points/(salary?!?)/etc. and 2) some dimension of draft outperformance/underperformance, which is pertinent for scenarios like late-round picks who have defied career expectations (see outlier jbenn having a shit ton of lifetime fic) AND early-round picks whose trajectories have not panned out as expected for whatever reason; often the ~tragic~ frustration of being a bust actually invites more narrative focus and scrutiny, but at the same time ficdom trends have pointed themselves to being attracted to many historic, talented, generational, and so on players, who more often than not are also winners, which potentially posits a need for some sustained line of access/visibility to high-expectation players significantly before they're regarded as "busts" in order to organically grow and generate initial interest that can survive the renewed reality of their situation. but who knows

again, i don't know whether any of this even makes sense or is interesting to literally anyone at all, but i personally enjoyed just dicking around graphing shit and getting to join a ton of tables together for absolutely no reason lol. that's all!

#(extremely long post warning)#*m #stats #>guy who needs to reflect

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ineed-to-sleep · 4 months ago

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Hi!! I Love your art sm. Do you have any tutorials on how you draw heads? I always struggle getting the proportions right, even after trying the lumos method and using reference photos?

Thank you and I love your ocs!

Thank you!! <3

I've been thinking about how I was gonna try to help you here tbh, because I myself don't really have like a, set static process for drawing heads jfkakdk so I didn't wanna get here and just sound like that owl meme yk

Even though that's kind of basically how it goes jvvjvkkv I draw a circle, draw one or two guidelines, then just follow my heart <3 but that's not very useful advice I don't think.......

So what I can recommend, which is just what worked for me, is this:

Practice drawing the head from various angles and making it look consistent. I've been practicing this recently and it's been massively helping me understand the head's proportions better. I think this works regardless of whether you're drawing it realistically or heavily stylized, all that matters is that you aim to keep the proportions and angles looking right

(personal example I'm still working on just to show you what I mean + a handy ref someone posted on pinterest of this asaro head)

Using stuff like the Loomis method is good, but there are other methods you can try out that could help you more! I've seen this one from Sinix with the mask method, and there's also a box method on Proko's channel. Try out some different methods and see if any of them work for you

Also, measuring!! It'll go a long way when studying or drawing from reference honestly. Try sketching it, then compare your sketch to the reference and take some measurements to see what went wrong. You can draw lines on top of the ref to compare or use anything like a pencil to measure if you're drawing traditionally

Drawing the skull is also really helpful! Just like drawing the muscles to understand the body, drawing the skull from various angles will really help you understand the structure that lies underneath the face, which will help you draw it better when you plaster some skin on top of it. I personally haven't done skull studies in a long time, but when I did them a few years ago they helped me a lot

(these are from 2 years ago I think? but yeah they really helped lay those foundations)

And finally, I think drawing from imagination(without any refs) after doing any of these studies will really help to cement what you've learned into your head. Kind of like a revision to help you memorize the steps yk

That's kind of all I have because my process is pretty much intuitive, but what I can say is that these studies are probably the reason why I draw intuitively at all + without much reference most of the time. I hope these are helpful <3 Good luck!!

#asks #art tips #art advice #sorry if you were looking for something like quick tips #I'm afraid I never found any quick advice that helped me in this department #for both face and body I've always struggled with like. being structured about it #especially bc if I get too structured it starts to feel super stiff and I rlly don't like that look #so for me the only thing that works is draw it a bunch until it clicks :')#hopefully these studies help you if you're like this too

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dozyisdead · 3 months ago

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Low downforce isn't necessarily a bad thing! Teams are constantly adjusting their levels based on tracks (ex. McLaren last year during Las Vegas), but Williams does seem car more suited for low downforce tracks. The thing I find kinda interesting, is that in theory a low downforce setup would actually be better for Alex who prefers oversteer--- which also means that Max could probably do very well in that Williams if they shave off the extra weights that's quite literally weighing them down. Carlos is almost notorious throughout the Ferrari fans for liking understeer better than oversteer (because Charles is wildly known as preferring a car on the nose, or more oversteer like Max and Alex). This kinda makes you wonder what that will entail for Carlos' run in William's! So to me, Carlos and Alex will be essentially like Carlos and Charles where they both prefer different things which could end up being a slight issue for Williams. I'm also pretty sure that the Williams past few cars have been oversteery, which brings me to Logan!

On Logan's end, I honesty don't know what he prefers? I've watched Prema videos of him explicitly answering it as he prefers oversteer in general ( he also said he'd rather have understeer during an actual race, but turns back on that statement later saying he prefers over). I get confused though, when some people are saying that he looks like he prefers understeering now though! So, Logan's situation is a bit funky to me. In the Prema video though, Oscar basically says that Logan likes to "send the car" which to me, sounds like he would perform well in a oversteery/low downforce car? Keep in mind, that this is from F3 and around 4 years ago, so Logan's preferences could definitely have changed by now.

I honestly don't really know which teams are more low/high downforce prone, but I do know the extremes of the two which are Williams (low) and Aston Martin (high). Just in Silverstone, Aston Martin had the highest downforce configuration out of all the teams! Which is wild compared to the other lead contender's (Ferrari, McLaren, Red bull, Mercedes) who chose to go more neutral to even low downforce set ups!

Oh great! Thank you again for more information!

So, you mentioned that Carlos prefers an understeer set up, which is kind of the opposite of what Williams has right now? I agree that it's going to be interesting to see what happens if the car is still on the oversteer heavy side, like it seems to be this year. I'm not sure if it's been like this in the past, but that is really interesting to know! I think with Logan's situation it is really tricky, but I believe someone mentioned that he goes over how the car feels and the data a lot, so maybe he's slowly been finding his balance? I can't imagine that it's been very easy to do so in the Williams, but if we look at his progress this year, I feel like he's been getting there. Like I said before, if they had a better car to figure out which why they prefeed, I think it would be a good view of their skills and abilities as drivers. Alex has his set up figured out it feels like, and the good thing is that the Williams car is really suited for him, being low downforce and somewhat oversteer. if we also take into account that Max like the car oversteer, I feel like that means Alex was doing a lot better at Red Bull than people think. Again, I despise the teams, love the drivers, yk?

Also, the fact that Willaims and Aston Martin are the polar extremes makes a lot of sense! I know people joke about cars being tractors or lawnmowers, but Williams really feels like an actual tractor sometimes. And I want to say that the reason Logan has been kind of switching about is maybe he is as close as we can get to a true neutral preference when it comes to over vs. under steer? I know that F1 cars are extremely customizable, for example Michael Schumacher's configuration was nearly painful for anyone else to drive because it was so tailored. I think Logan is a bit of an odd one out in that aspect, he prefers possibly a very neutral or as close to basic set up? I believe the only difference is that maybe his set up is more left handed leaning in the car? I heard something along those lines.

Thank you for all the information, it has been very fun to learn about and extremely interesting!

#f1 #formula 1 #max verstappen #carlos to williams #carlos sainz #alex albon #logan sargeant #williams racing

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frownyalfred · 4 months ago

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Do you have any tips on gaining more popularity/engagement/success? I'm sorry I have no idea how do phrase that question without sounding like a douchebag influencer lol, honestly I just want to connect with people. I started posting fic a couple years ago but I barely get comments or kudos or hits, so it's easy to feel as though I'm doing it all for nothing especially when I keep comparing myself to all the incredible and way more successful writers and artists in the fandom. It's becoming harder to stay motivated even as I tell myself it's just for fun and I should write for myself first and foremost. I want to make a mark, you know?

Thank you for your amazing writing and posts! Have an amazing day <3

I think that’s a tough one and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that right now. Fic popularity often depends on 1) the popularity of the fandom you’re writing in and 2) the tropes and pairings popular within that fandom at any given time. Then, in third place, we have writing quality. It’s there! It’s important. But for a large chunk of readers, it’s not always the first thing they look for.

That can be really crushing. Because authors might have brilliantly written fic that just doesn’t appeal to the current fandom as much as another pairing or trope. You’ll find yourself staring at nearby fics with thousands of kudos and ask yourself why it’s so much better than yours, when it has so many typos etc.

I have fics I’ve worked really hard on and loved that have gotten very little traction. There are fics I’ve written that got viewed at a lucky time and got tons of kudos virtually overnight. My writing quality, myself, the author — none of that really changed much between those two fics. Not enough to explain the difference.

My advice is to write what makes you happy, but to think critically about what’s popular in your fandom or circles right now. Is there something you could write that would cover both? Are there challenges or exchanges you could participate in that would get you access to popular fandom requests?

My typical advice for these kinds of asks is to keep writing, to read other fics by authors you admire, to comment and engage with content, to get your name out there during exchanges or in discord channels.

But maybe that advice is missing the bit above I’ve outlined — that sometimes, you might be writing just behind the wave of popularity, and it’s not your fault at all. It doesn’t have anything to do with your talent or writing ability. But it will impact the kudos and comments you receive.

Comparison is the thief of joy. But if popularity and success are what you want, see where your writing can overlap with marketing. And no matter what happens, don’t stop writing!

#asks #anon #good luck anon sorry if this was a rambly mess #writing #writing tips #writing advice

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penultimate-step · 9 months ago

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Oshi no Ko 143 Reaction

This was a fun chapter. Ruby getting aggressive finally forcing Aqua to stop ignoring the problems in their relationship that have been simmering for 20 chaps now and actually have a conversation that puts it all out in the open. They're mostly saying stuff I predicted in advance, but some of it took me by surprise.

One bit that made me stand up and !!! was this page:

I thought I was doing something interesting when I compared Ruby's feelings towards Gorou to Aqua's feelings about Ai in my last two analyses but she just came out and said it directly on page, haha. I feel pretty validated.

I still stand behind most of what I wrote last week after this chapter. Ruby is desperately trying to make this a romance, but her best pitch is "I care about you in the same way we cared about idols in our past lives. Parasocially and without regard for the actual person, because I need to put somebody on an idealized pedestal or else I'll kill myself. This is what romance is, right?" Girl with so so so many issues, I love her.

The one thing that did really take me by surprise was the bit where she listed off Aqua's flaws as a person. In the past I assumed that Ruby was intentionally ignoring these flaws and making up a version of Aqua that didn't exist in her head. The way in her mind he's drawn like a romance hero and how she makes excuses for all the things she took issue with before lead me to believe she was intentionally distancing "Gorou, her idol" from "Aqua, the person, her brother" in her head. I'm not sure how to square this knowledge with the way she is (textually, now!) putting him on a pedestal. If I had to guess, I would think she actually is aware of who Aqua is as a person - she was friends with him as Gorou before and siblings for 18 years, she should know him better than anybody - but is intentionally separating this knowledge from the figure she is idolizing, because she needs to keep ahold of something for her mental stability.

I'm reminded of an analysis post of OnK ep 1 I read on tumblr almost a year ago, I forget who posted it so I can't properly credit it but it's not my own thoughts. (if anybody else remembers it please let me know so I can link it!) They contrasted Gorou's parasocial fan relationship with Ai to Ryosuke, the stalker who killed him: both put were fans of Ai, the Idol, but when confronted with the reality that she was more than an idol, that she had relationships and would have children, Gorou decided that the health and happiness of Ai the person was more important than his image of Ai the Idol, and did his best as a doctor to help her, while Ryosuke's reaction to having his image of the Idol shattered was to try and destroy Ai the person. The analysis put forth the idea that this was contrasting healthy vs unhealthy methods of being a fan - that there's nothing wrong with being a fan of someone, necessarily, but you have to keep in mind that you aren't entitled to anything about them, and there's always a real person underneath the performance.

I didn't fully agree with it - in my post about how the series portrays different kinds of love I talked about how it came down very harshly on dishonest and idolizing love - but I did think it was very interesting (obviously as I still remember it almost a year later). Anyway Ruby's approach to Aqua this chapter made me think of that a lot. She makes a big deal out of how Aqua is her idol, their relationship is idol/fan, and she can ignore all his flaws - but at the same time she points out that she does actually know what those flaws are. It puts her in something of a strange position. What would she do if her image of The Doctor, Her Idol, no longer existed, and she was left with just Aqua? Would she care for the person, or be mad at losing the illusion? According to this chapter she fits into neither of those, she chooses to pretend that the illusion still exists even while staring directly at the reality. Ruby seems aware that she is essentially using the idea of the doctor as a coping mechanism, but doesn't want to admit that this desire is directly in tension with the idea about caring about Aqua as a person, romantically or otherwise.

As for Aqua, it's great that he's finally being a little honest with his emotions and feelings after so long, to the one person who is really able to understand the context.

However, I think he's still holding a lot back, especially in the latter half of the chapter, because there are things he doesn't feel that he can say to Ruby, specifically about their relationship. He seems hesitant to directly tell Ruby that he can't be her lover or her idol, he can only be himself - even when he tries to tell her that he can't be the person he was she just brushes it off - and I think with how Ruby's mental health is holding on by a thread he is unwilling to do anything to jeopardize it, even if it means accepting the spot on her pedestal.

My read of the relationship between Gorou and Sarina 22 years ago was that they were genuine friends at the time. Regardless of difference in age and position they were both socially isolated people who found one person they felt they could be honest and open with. This makes their current relationship even sadder - Ruby has twisted the memory of their old friendship into dreams of romance and idolatry to fuel the desire to live one more day. Aqua, who in his last life would have been willing to do almost anything to get her to keep living, is forced to cut away his own relationship to her, both last life friend and current life brother, because being dishonest - being an idol - is the only way he can see to keep her alive and healthy. Both have already cut away most of their other bonds for the sake of the revenge plan, and now they can't even be fully honest with each other. Very tragic stuff.

All in all I really really liked this chapter. The interactions between Ruby and Aqua has always been multiple layers of relationships and mindsets existing on top of one another, and that just makes it super interesting for me. I love it whenever that leads to character tension. They've been friends and siblings and idols and all of that has to coexist, its a very unique kind of character writing that Oshi no Ko does well and I don't see very often and makes me care for the series a lot. I think I have a much more positive view of this arc than most of the fandom because the trainwreck of their relationship is one of the series highlights to me, so chapters like this, where exactly how bad their mindsets have gotten are placed as the main focus, are some of my favorite story beats.

I know there's a lot of negativity about this chap but I'm having a good time over here in my corner. Not sure if it's because I've been letting my thoughts about the series out in posts a lot more recently or because I liked this specific chapter a lot but this is definitely most I've been invested in the series for a while now. I think I was letting the Discourse kind of sour things for me and now I have mentally exorcised it from my mind.

#oshi no ko #oshi no ko spoilers #step.animanga #step.live

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ambrosialdesire · 2 years ago

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cacoëthes

[ PART ONE ] [ PART TWO ] [ PART THREE ]

18+ DARK CONTENT BELOW, MINORS + BLANK BLOGS DNI

pairing: s4 reiner x fem!reader word count: 6.7k warnings + tags: general yandere and obsessive themes, unhealthy relationships, stalking, kidnapping mention, vomit mentions (nonsexual cause), gore/violence, slight misogyny, kinda aot spoilers if you haven't watched it before, all characters are 18+ synopsis: reiner has always kept his eyes on you ever since the two of you were still trainees. he's sorry for many things that he's done in his cursed life but he was never sorry for loving you. you loved him as only a friend and perhaps family, but your relationship with the bulky blond is not everything what it seems on the surface. not to him at least. a/n: tbh i just thought of this up as i reminisced on old middle school memories recently, i was a big s1 aot fan back in the day and just got back into it bc of one of my friends. i recently got a mad crush on reiner that i didn't have before and that same friend is dealing with the brunt of it lol this might be ooc since i haven't written any aot characters in years + they have slightly different personalities from back then. if this gets enough support (likes and reblogs), the second part will be posted as soon as possible! even if it doesn't, i'm still gonna be posting it anyways part one is just like a recap of reiner and the reader's relationship, there's nothing sexual in this part until the other parts. note: please keep in mind of the tags above and do not proceed if triggering or uncomfortable, especially if you are a minor!! do not read my or any other writers' dark content if you are underaged. this is a fictional work and does not reflect irl morals, do not believe this is how a real romance works or functions.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.───

Reiner shouldn't be looking at you.

He should've stopped years ago, this could've all been prevented if he had just pulled his eyes away. Hell, he should've just kept his attention on Krista — no that's not her name now, what was it, Historia? — but he respected Ymir's wishes of betrothing her despite... everything that had happened to the girl. But he didn't and now he was in this hellish predicament.

You were born and raised in Paradis. Titans have destroyed most of humanity and the remnants of them have been living in the walls ever since; that's all you knew compared to the Marley-born warrior. He wished he could be as naïve as the devils that resided in this small island, it would be better to only know that you were the only lifeforms that lived decent lives hiding away from the Titans outside of the walls.

No, he shouldn't be calling you a devil. Fuck, he shouldn't be calling any of what-once-was his friends devils but he couldn't just erase the years of history that has been embedded into his head ever since he could comprehend language. At the same time, they have never done any evils towards him before he revealed the true identities of his group.

He loved his Paradisian friends — he wished he could say that in front of their faces without feeling so much melancholy shame and guilt — he loved serving for his country, he loved his family. But most importantly, he loves you.

It was an accidental captivation from a single hand-to-hand combat training session, where the 104th trainees were once unaware of the kind of future ahead of them. You were unfairly set against Reiner, Instructor Shadis even knew that but still made you two spar. You were shorter than him — most Paradis people were — and weaker, not just because you were a girl. He didn't notice you back then, there was nothing that the man thought at a first glance was interesting about you.

Nothing at all.

You were barely any threat despite being a devil, a lowly sheep in the den of a vicious lion.

You put your arms up in a defensive position anyways, shifting the weight on your feet. Your small fists were balled up tightly, as if you were going to actually do some damage with them. You knew that you couldn't beat him in pure strength but you readied yourself regardless, eyes glinting in determination. He held up his fists, a small yet confident smirk growing on his face. This was going to be a simple win.

"Don't go easy on me Braun."

"I have no intentions to L/N."

He remembered how quickly you dashed towards him, not fast enough that it rivals Annie's or Mikasa's speed, but fast enough for him to be caught off guard for a good second. He watched you bend down low, trying to get a low sweep on him. He had enough training back home to know how to avoid this kind of attack. Reiner jumped back, believing to have narrowly missed your foot and prepared himself to counter-attack.

But he could have never expected being tackled by the leg down, his back colliding into the dirt. All the air escaped his lungs as he felt you scramble to pin him down, a large grin plastered on your face.

"Aw Braun, I appreciate you going easy on me but really? I expected a big guy like you to try harder."

He bit back his tongue from saying anything in reply, watching you stand and dust off your uniform, still wearing that proud smirk. As he finally managed to collect his bearings, he asked you a question.

"Where'd you learn that move?"

"Leonhart." As to be expected of the Female Titan inheritor but he didn't expect her giving out sparring tips to anyone, especially Paradisians. You outstretched your hand towards him, waiting for him to take it.

"Y'know anything else from her?" He questioned, grabbing your hand as you lifted him up.

You pondered a bit, exaggerating your expression as you pretended to think about it, and finally answered him.

"Maybe, but I'll only reveal them to you if you actually put more effort into our sparring. I'm not a frail little girl y'know."

Reiner heftily laughed as you slapped his arm, walking away to resume your defensive stance. The two of you continued to spar, both of you counting down individual wins; it came down to a score of fifteen-ten, he won the whole thing but that didn't seem to falter your smile. You were simply ecstatic that he didn't supposedly pull back his punches, though he did quietly fret over the bruises that bloomed overnight on your face and arms the next day.

Bertolt noticed his staring problem immediately a few weeks after. Rather than looking at Krista per usual and daydreaming about marrying her, he was looking at you chowing down your meal next to Connie and Sasha. He whispered to him that what he's doing should cease immediately but he insisted that it would not interfere with their original mission. You were an enigma that he wanted to solve, that's all.

He swore to him that he had good intentions — that he was truly observing the kinds of enemies they were facing — but now he's not quite sure that they even stayed good to begin with.

Through his many inconspicuous observations, Reiner had found out that nothing seemed to pull that grin down on your face. Whether it be the instructors yelling out insults and commands, the rain pelting down on them during group training, or when it seemed like a rough day for every trainee, the smile you bore never faltered. It was somewhat confusing to him. How could you be so cheerful in this kind of world?

You preferred to hum during chores, the song never being the same each time he honed in from listening in on you. He gave up trying to memorize anything you hummed after the fifth one or so. He then noticed that on occasion when no one was around, you'd pick up the dandelions that grew in the small patches of grass of the camp, braiding them into small rings and wearing them until they fell apart. Reiner managed to pocket one when you accidentally dropped it, not noticing that it was gone. His good luck charm, as he liked to call it.

You liked to help others before focusing on yourself, taking on other people’s chores or taking the blame for things that weren't originally your fault. Reiner thought you were being too nice for your own good. You didn’t fit the type of person that was being used to other people’s advantages but you never seemed to mind.

You weren’t quite the evil Eldian he believed you to be, rather he considered you a fallen angel amongst the devils, led astray from the path you were presumed to take. Perhaps he can make you repent like he was trying to do back home, there was proof that you were worthy to be considered a Marleyan.

And that was the start of it, he knew he should've stopped there once he started to believe you’d be a perfect fit for Marley.

All this constant watching and being everywhere that you were at. Watching your every move and reaction. Taking things of yours that he shouldn't be taking.

Reiner was starting to believe that you were more than what you were leading on, his heart already knowing where his stance was on the subject.

Marriage didn’t seem bad, tying you down to him with a pretty golden band and children… wait, no. The two of you were still young and you were most definitely his enemy… right? But further down in the future… yeah, there's a possibility. A slim one, but one nonetheless.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

You had begun to take notice of Reiner's staring. There was always such a strange feeling of being watched and you finally had the guts to look around, seeing your old sparring partner just... there. Watching. It was always awkward whenever the two of you accidentally locked eyes, you having to be the first one that breaks contact. Reiner wasn’t a bad guy — from what you knew — but the way he just gazes at you, it gave you the creeps.

You asked Krista once if he seemed off, overhearing whispers among the other trainees of him liking her. Not that you were big on eavesdropping, you simply couldn't help it. She said that there was nothing wrong, maybe he’s just daydreaming and it just happens to be that he’s looking directly at you.

Bullshit, you had once bitterly thought. You wanted to tell him off but Bertolt managed to always drag him away before you could really confront him, so you eventually had forgotten about it.

But there was one thing that you couldn't forget when his friend pulled him away. It was the quick yet intense glare he bore when he glanced back at you. You had nothing against the guy, he may always be skittish, but you never felt like he was a bad person either.

So why did he have to look at you like that?

"Why did you decide to join?"

You jumped, almost tipping the bucket of water you had in your hands. Turning around, you squinted your eyes in the torch-lit night, slowly meeting the gaze of Reiner. Ah, so he finally decided to talk to you.

"A hello first would've been nice. Besides, why do you want to know Braun?" You questioned, placing the water-filled pail down so you wouldn't accidentally spill it on yourself or him.

"Guess you could say it's plain ol' curiosity L/N."

Pulling your lips in a thin line, you zipped it shut with your fingers and shook your head. You weren’t close to the man, hell, the only time you actually spoke to him was the sparring session. Why was he suddenly so interested in you?

“So you won’t say anything about it?” He frowned, putting one of his hands in his pants pocket.

“You have a plethora of answers from the others of what it could be. I could’ve been one of the survivors of the Colossal Titan’s attack. Maybe I’m just looking to join the Military Police for that comfortable life. Perhaps I could be a vengeful orphan just because my family attempted and failed to take back the wall. Whatever the answer could be, it’s all the same for each recruit.” You picked your bucket back up, feeling the liquid slosh around against your arms.

“Is that all you wanted to ask me because I have to take this water back to the kitchen for breakfast tomorrow.”

“No there’s something else,” He moved closer to you, a certain aura emitting as he approached closer. Reiner didn’t seem the type to hurt others without any reason. Even though you didn’t know him, you were acutely aware of his big brother-like personality with the other trainees. “If you could run away from all this, would you?”

“…What?” Confusion muddled your mind and you began to bite the inside of your cheek nervously.

“I’ll repeat it for you. If you could run away from all this, would you?” He asked again and you began to think. All you ever knew was the walls, anything outside of it was just a dangerous hellscape.

“Not really, there’s nothing out there for me. I have my friends and life is good here despite Wall Maria being currently swarmed. What am I even running from anyways Braun, the Titans? There’s just gonna be more out there anyways.” You then started walking in the direction of the dining hall, carefully making sure it wasn’t gonna spill on you.

“What if there was? Imagine an island with no Titans and life is even better there than here. No walls hiding you away from the land, just complete freedom.” You stopped, directing your head towards him. Why did he keep insisting upon the idea of this question? This was the only place in the world where humanity still thrives.

“I would still have to decline, it’ll still be no home of mine. I’d like to someday see the world without Titans but I’d probably be long gone by the time they’re all exterminated. Now goodnight Braun.” You finally walked away, feeling suddenly exhausted. Where was Bertolt when you needed him? Reiner was starting to scare you.

You left the man behind with a mess of thoughts in his head. Reiner did not agree with your mentality nor your standpoint in the matter, but that could change once he and his group bring you to Marley. Once you get there, you’ll see how life is much better than in Paradis. He brushed a quick thumb against a dried petal in his uniform pocket, the material cracking under his touch.

You have no other choice but to like Marley.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

Never in your life have you thought your whole world could tip upside down again.

In a span of a few days after graduation, Wall Rose had become the same as Wall Maria, the Colossal Titan making its horrid and grand reappearance. The Trost District was a mass gravesite, there weren't enough words to describe your devastation of the lost lives of people you had considered as family. The heavy guilt that washed over you made you believe that if you were just a little more stronger and more decisive with your attacks, you could've — no — you would've saved them.

You threw up off the rooftop, the taste of bitter bile leaving a stain in your mouth. The stench of blood and ash wafted in all directions and it felt like you couldn't get any sicker. The images of your fellow companions getting wailing for help while getting ripped apart limb from limb and eaten alive was enough to keep you dizzy and nauseous.

Your tank was irrevocably damaged and you made the quick decision to isolate yourself to the nearest building as soon as possible before it sputtered out its last remnants, your body colliding into the red tiles.

You wanted to cry. It feels just like years ago but this time, you felt even more powerless than you were when you were a child. Even though you learned the ability to fight these oversized cannibals, you never felt so goddamn weak when dealing with the real thing. What good were you if you weren't able to use your gear?

This is where I die, you had bitterly decided. You let out a light pitiful laugh and knelt down, wiping away the tears that fell. Life was a cruel thing, wasn't it? No matter what, the moment you decided to join the regime was the same day that you would be contracting your life to an early demise. No matter what, you would die.

No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.

Not far from you, earth-shaking thuds grew near and a shadow began to cover over your shaking form. Closing your eyes with a nervous grin, you began to welcome in your godforsaken fate.

If you were unable to save your friends, what more humanity?

"L/N!" God? Was that you?

A splash of warm blood drenched the skin of your face, steam fanning off. The noticeable sound of hissing affirmed that someone sliced the nape of the Titan that was ready to consume you, their boots grinding against the tiles.

"You damn idiot! What do you think you're doing sitting there?!"

You peered through teary eyes, meeting a familiar hazel pair. Your shaky smile quivered downwards, a broken cry slipping out of your mouth as you finally realized that there was someone else alive.

Reiner was surprised, you were a considerably tough person and he believed that nothing could ever break your resilience. You tried to explain yourself to him like a kid that just got in trouble, blubbering out how weak you are and how you couldn't save your squad. It's not like you can look him in the eyes now, you know how disappointed he'd look at you. The girl that was known to be all happy-go-lucky in the 104th Training Corps.

The more you thought about it, the more you ended up breaking down into a complete sobbing mess, hiccupping the words sorry over and over again as you pulled your knees into your chest. Your tears darkened the white cloth of your uniform as you wept, the blood continuing to steam off of your face.

He rested his hand on your shoulder, seeing you cry almost made him regret putting his plan in motion. However, in order for them to retrieve the Founding Titan, they have to do this. There was no other choice in the matter.

"That's enough Y/N. You did your best with what you had. No one was expecting Colossal to come back like this, the least you could do now is honor your fellow fallen soldiers. Ensure that they didn't die for nothing. Don't die like a coward and stand up."

You sniffled as you picked your head up from your knees, wiping off the snot and tears with your jacket sleeve. As much as you didn't want to get up, he was right. How could you face your deceased comrades in the afterlife if you just let yourself die now? How selfish of you to let your life be taken away so easily when they fought so hard in order to fend off the Titans from coming any closer to the escaping civilians.

"My ODM gear broke, the gas cylinder got pierced by a rock I think." You mumbled quietly, voice sore.

"I'll carry you to the others then, we made a discovery in order to get into HQ to replace our supplies. A few of us with enough gas went out to find the unaccounted. I'm glad I found you before that Titan got to you."

The real truth was that Reiner had been panicking ever since he saw that you weren't with the other groups. He was terrified with the idea that he fucked up, the plan being the cause of your death. It was his proposal to locate the missing soldiers, making it seem like he genuinely cared about his fellow recruits. He didn't know what he would've done if he found your rotting corpse, knowing that it was completely his fault.

A miscalculation. A misstep. A mistake.

He put away his blades in its sheaths and lifted you up into his arms, making sure you were secured to him as much as possible. The positioning was awkward due to your gear still being strapped onto your body but it seemed that he didn't mind. You knew already that he was a strong man but for him to just lift you up like nothing even with your gear and his combined, you wondered if he still held back when the two of you sparred. Perhaps you were a little grateful that he did, not ending up with a broken bone at the end of it.

Unbeknownst to you, the man was screaming on the inside as he carefully maneuvered through buildings and rooftops. You closed your eyes each time he made abrupt turns and jumps, pulling yourself closer to his chest. He decided that he liked holding you, there will no longer be a day where he won't have his hands on you. He finally reached the others, seeing that the Abnormal Titan was still beating down the other Titans that were getting in its way and trying to consume it.

"What is that?"

He let you down slowly, the warmth escaping him as you were hypnotized from the scene in front of you. Unlike the other Titans you've seen so far, this Titan was strangely well built and its teeth lined the outside of its mouth. Of course you knew about Abnormals but this one was odd looking and it was unheard of for Titans fighting other Titans. Then again, the walls never broke down before and the only explorers of the outside were the Survey Corps.

"Our ticket into HQ. Look how it's drawing all the attention to itself." Reiner was right yet again. As this Abnormal was punching heads off and screaming, it seemed that the Titans were more interested in it rather than the humans inside. He picked you up once more, telling you to prepare yourself and crashed through the headquarters' window, making sure that none of the glass got on you. The others were relieved that he made it back with another teammate safely, and Armin began to explain the plan to rid of the seven remaining Titans on the inside.

You were put to be one of the gunslingers in the lift, the heavy weight of the rifle causing you to shift it around in your hands. Were you able to look one of these monsters in the eye and manage to incapacitate it?

“Stay back Y/N.”

“Excuse me?” Reiner put his hand on your shoulder once more, shaking his head. Looks like that was going to be a habit now.

“You don’t have to be in the lift, we have enough people already in there.” You scoffed quietly, pushing past him to line yourself up with the others. You broke down once in front of him and now he wants to be your protector. Sure, it was nice of him to be worried about your safety but you trusted him and the others that they'll do their part of the plan without any issues.

“I've made the decision that I'm not going to be a coward Reiner,” He watched you step in and face him, giving him a small smile with a thumbs-up. “And I’m sure as hell not going down as one.”

The lift started its slow descent down and you settled in position, your finger nervously tracing around the trigger. None of you could shoot too early or too late, these guns were difficult to reload and it would lead all of you into an early grave. The heavy tension in the air could be cut with one of the blades and the group in the lift was shuffling around lightly. It would be a lie to say that none of you weren't scared, no one wants to die knowing they're going to be eaten alive.

The lift stopped, the air deathly still. Everyone clicked into position, guns pointed and drawn. Quiet, shaky breathing was the only thing that you heard besides the ground shaking stomps of the giants, their attention landing towards the group.

Someone behind you gasped in surprise as a Titan looked in his vicinity, the voice of Marco telling him to calm down and continue to wait until they were closer. Another person was shaking besides you, her hands unsteady on her weapon and her face pale. Sweat was beginning to accumulate on your forehead and it felt difficult to breathe suddenly.

You looked up with your open eye quickly, seeing Reiner up in the posts with the others. Taking in a deep breath, a burst of confidence ran through your body.

"Ready..." Your finger hovered over the trigger, a giant blue eye staring at you. One more step, just a little closer.

"Fire!" At the sound of Marco's command, you pulled the trigger and shot. The timing of the other soldiers' shots were inconsistent, the sounds of gunfire were deafening, and the smell of gunpowder wafted in the air. Either way, the Titans' eyes were incapacitated and the seven above can finish the job.

Your heart sank as two of them did not falter like the rest, watching Connie fall into the ground and Sasha look up in horror. They didn't cut deep enough and the Titans' eyes had already regenerated from the shots. It wasn't easy trying to kill them without their gear, horror sinking in as the Titans lumbered towards them. Your stomach twisted in knots as one jumped towards her as she apologetically screamed at it and Connie was helplessly backed into a pillar from the other. No one in the lift could do anything to assist them.

You fumbled with your rifle, reaching in your pocket for any more rounds. Luckily, the two most proficient fighters managed to finish them off before anyone else could react and you felt sweet relief as the lift was safely lowered down. Hopefully this would be the last and only time that you'd face a Titan that close without ODM gear. You picked up a new tank and replaced the broken one with it, beginning to stock up on your supplies.

"You alright?" Speak of the devil, here he was once again. You turned your head towards Reiner as he sat down next to you, refilling his tanks.

" 'M fine. You did good out there."

"I could say the same with you, must've been nerve-wracking seeing those things look at you that close."

"Yeah, but you had to jump down without using any of your gear while trying to hit their napes. That's way more difficult than what we did in the lift." He lightly chuckled and dismissively shrugged, saying that it was nothing but he did get nervous with Connie and Sasha. You agreed to that statement, you liked those two and they've always humored you during dinnertime. The two of you sat quietly afterwards until he started to talk again, trying to break the silence.

"Y'know you said my name earlier, not Braun but Reiner." Your cheeks flushed warm, switching the refill to your other tank.

"You did that too, back when you saved me." You attempted to lead him away from what you said, nervously biting your cheek.

"Why did you say it?" Reiner completely ignored you, insisting upon his question more.

"I could say the same to you."

"I only said your last name because you said mine like that when we first met, thought it would be even that way. So Y/N, why did you say my name?" Fuck, he had a point.

Your shoulders slumped in defeat and you sighed, pulling your lips in a line.

"I don't really know. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment or I just wanted to say your name for the first time. Just in case anything happened or something..."

Your voice trailed off to a quiet mumble, your face reddening and hot. You didn't mean for it to sound that it was insinuating something, you genuinely appreciated him saving your ass back there and getting your morale back up. It was simply a newfound gain of respect for him. Taking a peek at his expression, you saw that his mouth was slightly agape and he turned his face away from you. Was your response that surprising?!

Embarrassed, you finished refilling your tank and started strapping your gear back on. You apologized quickly, fumbling with your words and speed-walking away to get fresh blade replacements.

'Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage.' Reiner's thoughts quickly ran through his head, his own cheeks crimson even though he had a firm expression as he watched you walk away. He hoped that you would continue to say his first name, you will have to once he weds you in Marley. But he wouldn't mind if they were replaced with dear or honey, oh he would not mind at all.

Events took a turn once you got out of HQ. It was found out that the Abnormal Titan that was killing off the Titans was Eren Jaeger. Ironic that the vengeful and overtly loud mouthed guy that swore to kill all Titans turned out to be a Titan himself. Though there were many complications — and many lives taken — in trying to complete this mission that Commander Pixis set, Eren managed to seal off the hole in Trost.

Two days later, the more experienced soldiers killed off the remainders and you were set for clean-up of bodies and body parts that littered the streets. It was a heart-wrenching task seeing limbs and partially eaten corpses of both citizen and soldier, most being completely unrecognizable. They were once part of a family. They were sons, daughters, siblings, maybe even parents themselves. Wherever they are now, you hope that they're at peace.

You tugged your cloth mask up more as you looked around for more corpses, walking around until you saw Jean stand still from afar. He was looking at a body, your own eyes widening as you slowly recognized whom it was. Marco Bodt. The guy that commanded the group to shoot a few days prior; if you remembered correctly, he was one of Jean's close friends during training.

You felt sorry for him, he had just found and lost his best friend simultaneously. Not even a minute ago, he was asking around if anyone had seen him, voice desperate for a reassuring answer. This world was so cruel to the ones that didn't deserve it, all of you were just trying to live comfortable lives but it'll never be that way. You turned away from the scene and went off to find another unaccounted for.

What a shame, a damn shame.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

You chose to go into the Survey Corps rather than the Garrison, mostly because you wanted to continue to fight those terrifying beasts in order to avenge the lost lives of your friends during the Battle of Trost. It would give you some kind of peace of mind knowing that you wouldn't hide away from the fight for them. After everything settled down, you befriended Reiner once you were able to catch him alone.

He was... different when you started talking to him more, you couldn't completely tell what it was but there was a feeling you had that he wasn't quite all there. He began to space out on some occasions, coming back down and acting quite odd, as if he was an entirely different person. The invasion was pretty traumatizing for everyone involved so you couldn't blame him for any mental change in his mind. You knew that you weren't definitely the same either, half of your friends had been decimated and nearly witnessing all of them die would never settle right in your mind.

Reiner had become pretty overbearing when it came to you, believing it was because of how you acted in Trost. He started hovering a lot, becoming a burden over your shoulders. He made sure that whatever you do didn't hurt you and if it did seem like a danger, he'd immediately take over. He'd say that he's just thinking about your safety, he'll handle it for you and to not worry, he prefers to do things for others. You could believe that part, you knew Reiner was the altruistic type but it was pretty aggravating when it was a constant all the time.

And just like Bertolt, he never left your side. Sometimes you'd be forced to hang out with the two of them and you didn't really mind, you got to know Bertolt more than the nervous guy he was known to be (plus he had finally stopped glaring at you weirdly). But you could only talk to Bertolt, any other male soldier you could only share short conversations with because Reiner would drag you away from them.

You weren't his lover, you mentioned to him once in a fit, you can freely talk to anyone you want and he has no say in who you could talk to.

You never were able to see the look in his eyes when you said that to him, stomping away angrily past confused scouts. This was one of the fights you had with him, ignoring him for a while until he apologized with how he acted but it would just repeat in a more inconspicuous way. Eventually, you just let him win because nothing you said about it stuck.

He'd handle you like you were fragile glassware and you despised it, you weren't a weak person, you were a damn Survey Corps soldier just like him. You were more than capable of defending and attacking, but for some reason, he still insists and insists that he can do it for you.

There is no reason someone like you should be doing things like this, that alone made you furious. He'd only leave you alone when you were put on cleaning duty or cooking. You wondered if he was like those kinds of people when it came to women but he wasn't like that to the other girls in the Corps, just you.

And yet, despite all these annoyances of his, you still considered Reiner a comforting friend. He'd listen to your rambles of mindless things and give you advice about them, trying to understand where you're coming from. He'd mostly call you a babbling idiot though but would say something stupid in return, which you always called him out for. You'd argue back and forth with smiles on your faces.

When you felt like you were in a slump, he'd pat your shoulder and then talk until you felt better. Or if that didn't work, then he'd tell you to put them up and the two of you would jokingly fight, letting you wrestle him down until your stomach hurt from laughing and the punching. He was most certainly like a big brother, dearly reminding you of your siblings.

You even started giving Reiner your special dandelion rings, seeing him wear them around his left ring finger. Did he know the meaning of that? He had to, he was old enough and his parents must've worn rings around him. You wanted to point it out to him but you'd chicken out, scared that you were gonna insinuate something that wasn't supposed to be interpreted that way.

The two of you were only friends, that was it. That was it, until the moments that led up to the day that you found out that Reiner and Bertolt were never who they really said they were.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

Annie was found to be the Female Titan that killed many of the Corps members during the 57th Expedition, you never had expected her of all people to be a Titan shifter like Eren and a traitor.

For the first time in your friendship, Reiner hugged you. You didn't expect it, thinking that he was simply afraid that you were one of the bodies left behind and was only relieved that you were alive. The height difference between the two of you was quite a bit, he had leaned down and nestled his face into your neck, arms wrapped around you tightly. He was a toasty kind of warm, similar to sitting next to a fire during the winter.

You told him that everything will be alright now that the threat has been neutralized. He mumbled that he was afraid of losing you too, your heart skipping a beat. In response, you tried to ease his mind by promising him that you would never leave his side anytime soon. There was no possibility that you were a shifter like Annie and Eren, absolutely no way.

He was quiet for a moment, finally lifted his head out of the crook of your neck, his eyes intensely staring into yours before softening up. There was a newfound determination that you could faintly see before he pulled away, thanking you for consoling him.

It was odd, like a switch went off in his head.

The final incident came after the capture of Annie, when a handful of soldiers were presumed to be one of her accomplices and put outside of Wall Rose in an abandoned mansion. You weren't a suspect but Reiner and Bertolt were, and the worry started setting in. There wasn't a doubt in mind that you had for them, you could never see them as traitors to humanity.

Reiner did his duties all the time and he was a diligent soldier, he was also a good friend to all other members. Bertolt, though cowardly and needed a push in the right direction sometimes, has always been devoted as a soldier; he did graduate behind Reiner in third place after all.

There was a sudden breach in Wall Rose despite it being completely known to be sealed on the inside. Everyone assumed that another hole had been formed in another place by the Colossal in secret, so squadrons were sent out to scour the area to locate the breach. You were concerned that the suspected group that was contained in the area at the time of the breach had been attacked, anxiety racking your mind.

You overheard some of the soldiers that came from the search mention that there was no hole, saying that whoever saw the Titans must be going crazy.

That wasn't right. The witness reports said that Titans were definitely seen in the interior, they couldn't be wrong. Titans were quite hard to miss, they were quite literally large human things. It was inexplicable but you didn't focus much on it, being told to assist the incoming citizens before searching for the contained group.

You couldn't rack your mind in how many twists and turns you've been through throughout the years, but the Survey Corps finally found the group in a torn apart abandoned castle surrounded by a few more Titans. Ymir was revealed to be another Titan shifter — was anyone else here a Titan shifter because it seemed to be never-ending — but she had seemingly no intent to hurt the others as she saved the group she was with from death.

You found out that Reiner got bit from a Titan, retrieving the injury from pushing one out of the castle through a window. You were half astounded and half terrified with the new knowledge that he was way stronger than you anticipated. You thanked Krista — now actually known as Historia — for taking care of Reiner's injury, scolding him after for putting himself in reckless danger like that.

Assisting the injured on top of Wall Rose, you sighed in exhaustion as you sat next to Ymir's sleeping form with Historia. The past few months have been hectic as ever, did the soldiers before you deal with things like this? Five years ago and beyond that, there were no such thing as shifters or breaches in the walls. It would simply be incomprehensible back then that such a thing would’ve existed.

You turned your head in the direction of Reiner and Bertolt who were occupied with speaking to Eren. You weren't able to hear what they were saying until Reiner started to raise his voice, scrunching your eyebrows together.

Something was off. He was rambling, looking like he had completely lost it. Bertolt looked horrified, Eren was nervously laughing. Reiner... what was he talking about?

Mikasa suddenly slashed at the two, cutting Reiner's hand off and slitting Bertolt's neck. You almost screamed in shock, shooting up onto your feet until steam came off of them, an all too familiar occurrence that only happened to… Titans.

Sudden bright flashes of lights blinded you and lit up the wall with a threatening intensity, hot steam nearly blew you off your feet before you quickly latched yourself onto the wall with your gear. To your horror, the Colossal and Armored Titan formed right in front of your eyes and everything you had once known about them shattered to bits.

Reiner had grabbed ahold of Eren as he fell off the wall and Bertolt's monstrous half remained on top, hand reaching towards Ymir. The shock of seeing the monster that destroyed your home years ago was really your friend in disguise caused you to freeze up the second he grabbed her.

You thought you could trust them, you had high hopes that they weren't bad people like how the higher-ups thought they were. They were liars, they lied to everyone and they broke your trust, more so yours with Reiner. He was terrible, truly terrible.

You snapped back to reality as his gigantic hand wrapped around you — the still-passed out girl in his other fist — a scream ripping out of your throat. You struggled and banged your fists against the burning hot flesh of his hand, beginning to beg for Bertolt to not consume you. It fell on deaf ears as he opened his mouth, your eyes wide with horror.

The last thought you had as you and Ymir were dropped in was that you'd never forgive them for this, you'll never forget what they have done.

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greenerteacups · 8 months ago

Note

Awe-inspiring is a word I feel is overused. "Awe" in general is overused, really. I mean, awesome inspired completely different feelings and images a hundred years ago compared to today. As someone who adores the original meanings of 'awe' and its related 'awe-inspiring', I sincerely attempt to limit my usage to reflect its gravitas.

With that in mind, your work is awe-inspiring. Thank you for sharing it 🤍

You mentioned in another response that this fic is millions of words, and I believe it. I cannot fathom how overwhelming that must seem now, let alone when you began at book one.

Are there times you've questioned this project because of its length? How do you keep going if you become overwhelmed? Along these lines, have you ever posted a plot point or a detail you regret on some level? How do you keep moving forward, working with those already posted points?

This compliment is sincerely touching, and I thank you for it. I don't take the word lightly, either, and I'll endeavor to deserve your respect.

Mostly, coping with the length is a "don't look down" scenario. Like, yeah, in theory you're writing hundreds of thousands of words, but also, you don't have to write them today. And the way I think about it is: I'm a writer, and I love to write. I would be writing millions of words cumulatively across different projects anyway, so why not this one? If I'm still interested in it — and I am — what's the harm in doing more in this universe? Sure, you worry about plateauing or getting writer's block, but ironically, once you've put in enough effort, that stops being a problem. You don't lose all sense of doubt, but you do start to get amused by the feelings, because they're so obviously baseless. It's like: yeah, whatever, Brain. You were able to write 500,000 words of fic about this one Specific Little Dude, but 600,000 is too much for you? What, was word #600,001 too much of an ask? You're going to waste two years of effort because you threw a temper tantrum and didn't want to write the Middle Part of Chapter Fucking Seventy-Three? Sure, honey.

Being kind to yourself helps a lot. Taking breaks when you need them, not forcing the scene if it doesn't want to come. Being willing to fuck with the project a little and shake up storylines if you're not digging them. The general rule of thumb is that if you're not having fun, the reader isn't either, so keeping yourself entertained is a big priority.

I don't recall anything I regretted, though I'm sure there are. I don't dwell on it much. You have to forgive the writer you used to be for not being as good as the writer you are now, and that means long projects are gonna get better with time. I choose to feel pride about that instead of regret. As for the fic, you do the best you can. Sometimes you just have to play it as it lays.

#greenteacup asks #write good art

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beautifulsnake2162020 · 3 months ago

Text

We have it all (Hualian adopted daughter fanfic) Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I only do this for fun.

Premise: Not long after comforting a bullied girl named Meng Ai, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian find themselves adopting her and together they form a family they didn't know they had needed for awhile.

Story/Genre tags: Slice of life-ish (mainly), Family focused, Hua Cheng's houses finally become homes, there may be an overarching story but that's not the focus, Hualian being parents, Fengqing being uncles, Lang Qianqiu falling in love with someone who was raised by the Xianle squad, technically post-canon (though I haven't read the books so if there are some ooc moments please forgive me).

AO3 Link

Chapter 1

Follower tags: @anonimgato1507

Chapter 2

"My name is Meng Ai, I'm 6 years old and just like my baba I could see and talk to ghosts." She says as she finishes her first cup of water. The rain has become stronger now and Hua Cheng decided to carry her while Xie Lian held the crimson umbrella so that all three of them would fit under it as they made their way back to Puqi Shrine. Now stable enough to withstand a storm but still quite modest and humble compared to other temples. The public area of worship was separated from the living quarters where the three of them were in now.

"And where do you live Meng Ai? My name is Xie Lian." He says as he gives her a bowl of broth prepared previously by one of Hua Cheng's servants. While Hua Cheng may not mind consuming Xie Lian's cooking no matter how awful it was, his worshippers and any visitors to the shrine were a different story.

"You honestly think that your worshippers will endure this kind of suffering?" Mu Qing asks him frankly one day as he and Feng Xin were visiting one time. They in their guises as Fu Yao and Nan Feng and Hua Cheng in his San Lang appearance. While their identities were no secret among the four of them, for the sake of mortals they kept their disguises whenever they dwelled in the mortal realm.

"It's still sustenance."

"For your husband maybe, but his tastes have always been questionable."

"Hmph, you're saying that as if your tastes are any better."

"Now now you two." Xie Lian says as he settles himself beside Hua Cheng and across from Nan Feng. If someone were to listen to their voices alone they would easily tell that it didn't have the same level of malice in their earlier days. Though they were still arguing. Hua Cheng had a smug expression and Fu Yao relaxed in his seat and leaned towards Nan Feng.

"You know he does have a point Dianxie." Nan Feng added as he joined the conversation.

"If your followers could get something more palatable then they would be encouraged to come here more often."

And ever since then broth previously prepared by someone else was made to be consumed for any hungry visitors to the shrine. Meng Ai had just finished her first bowl of it and politely asked for more.

"I actually don't know the name of our village. Mama and Baba just tell me to first look for Puqi village, pass the ghostly forest, walk straight the main road on the rice field area until you see the entrance of the village."

"By any chance." Hua Cheng starts as he relaxes in his seat across her.

"Is this village the one surrounded by a forest?"

"Yes."

"Oh that would be Hu village." Xie Lian says as he sits beside Hua Cheng and pours more water in Meng Ai's cup.

"It used to be a place where tigers were plentiful."

"What happened Xie Lian?"

"The ones who first built the village drove them out."

"Oh no."

"It was a long time ago Meng Ai."

"But it's still so awful, is that why our village is so isolated?"

"One among many Xiao-Ai, is it alright if I call you that?"

"Oh yes, but I'm confused what to call you. Xie Lian your husband calls you San Lang. But I overheard the other ghosts say that your name is Hua Cheng." Hua Cheng chuckles lightheartedly.

"I'm not close with those ghosts. But you may also call me San Lang." She raises one of her eyebrows at him.

"But I'm not married to you." Now Xie Lian couldn't help but laugh with Hua Cheng.

"San Lang is the name I give to those I want to be close with." He couldn't help but feel lighter as her smile grew.

BANG

"AH!" She runs to the space between them to hide from the thunder. She finds herself being lifted ontu Xie Lian's lap since he was seated further away from the window.

"Does the thunder frighten you?"

"No - but I hate sudden surprises."

BANG

She hides her face beneath Xie Lian's robes and he cradles her head to calm her down.

"It's why I ran to the forest with many ghosts. Some of them have followed me to the rice fields when I was delivering one of my mama's works to a farmer's wife. And then when I turn around to go home, they all scared me suddenly with scary masks."

"What does your mother do?" Xie Lian asks as he adjusts her so that they were more comfortable and he was facing Hua Cheng.

"She's a seamstress and puts the embroidery on clothes. She just began teaching me after I pricked myself with a needle when I was trying to copy her."

"Oh? Do you want to be like her?" Hua Cheng asks curiously.

"No, I'm not sure I would enjoy being a priestess. It's clothes that I enjoy more."

"A priestess you say."

"Yes San Lang, she recieves visions every now and again."

A brief flash of lightning appeared by the window. But now having become comfortable with them she now faces Hua Cheng while still sitting on Xie Lian's lap.

Bang

She doesn't wince or hide anymore now that she was given a warning that a thunder might follow.

"Is that so? Which God does she serve Xiao-Ai?"

"Xiwangmu."

"Ah, how interesting." Hua Cheng says in a relaxed tone while sharing a glance at Xie Lian who gives him a subtle nod.

"Does she tell you her visions?"

"No, she always says that it's a burden only she and the other priests or priestesses have to bear. I think this is also why sometimes some of her embroidery are more interesting than other seamstresses."

"Why is that Xiao-Ai?" Xie Lian asks as he gives her another cup of water with the hand that wasn't supporting her.

"Mama says that she cannot directly say her visions when she's not serving as the oracle. But mama couldn't help but warn those who would be affected by some of them. So she embroiders more interesting patterns hoping that someone in the family could decipher it."

"Does it work?"

"No Xie Lian, I think that's why mama cries a lot more nowadays. Because nobody could read her warnings no matter how much she tries to warn them." It's something else little one, Xie Lian thought as continues cradling Meng Ai who has leaned into his arms as another bout of thunder and lightning make their appearance outside. He doesn't need to look at Hua Cheng to know that they are both thinking of the same thing.

This was the test.

Xiwangmu says to not overthink it and to just be themselves and they would pass the test with ease.

I hope she's right. Xie Lian thinks as he feels the storm's wind easing up. It won't be long before the storm would be over, even though it is late at night.

"Xiao-Ai" Hua Cheng begins, tone still gentle but a little bit more persuasive than earlier. "You've mentioned earlier that your father could also see ghosts. What does he do for a living?"

"Oh baba is a magician."

"A magician?"

"Well, I like to call him that. I actually don't really know what his title is. But I always see him mixing and making potions and studying dirt. Sometimes it changes the color of the water and sometimes if I've been really good he'll make a potion that makes so many sparks and show it to me. People go to him and ask him to make fireworks, paint, ink, and other things. Mama says that it's because of baba teaching something to the farmers that the fields are now consistently fertile."

"And what does he do when it comes to ghosts?"

"He just talks to them, he explained that sometimes people are doing things that ghosts don't like but because ghosts can't talk to them so they need to be more disruptive to try to make people stop." She then gives Hua Cheng a smile.

"But I think he'll like you because you took care of me San Lang."

"Oh? And how did you know I was a ghost?" He says now teasing.

"You don't have a heart beat. And there's some sort of clinginess to keep yourself the way you are. Whereas with Xie Lian there's a lack of clinginess but there is a heartbeat. So Xie Lian must be another type of spirit." There was silence after her revelation.

"I'm sorry San Lang, my baba could explain it better than I could. But that's how it makes sense to me."

"Don't be Xiao-Ai." He says as he opens his arms and she goes into them. The storm is weaker now and is on it's way out. Now in his arms Xie Lian makes preparations to return her to her parents. He doesn't want to return her empty handed and since he is the God of this shrine, he takes some of the fresher and better food offerings he received and begins packing them for Meng Ai's family.

"If you don't practice explaining it, then how will you be better at it hmm?"

"Oh you have...a...point." She let's out a yawn. It was obviously well past her bedtime and she's struggling to stay awake.

"Shh sleep now, little one."

"But ... mama and ... baba." Hua Cheng gently shifts his position to make it more comfortable for Meng Ai to sleep in his arms.

"You'll be with them soon."

The next time Meng Ai woke up she was back in her bed with her parents hugging her. A part of her thought that they would scold her for not returning home before the storm but instead they were just grateful that she is back. Along with her return were gifts of fresh fruit which she recalled were some of the offerings in the Puqi shrine that San Lang and Xie Lian brought her to as shelter from the storm.

Later when she was alone she found a little tied parcel attached to her belt. Opening it she found a beautiful necklace with a silver butterfly pendant on it.

She couldn't help but shed tears of joy.

_____________________________________________________________

"See, I told you that you would like her." Hua Cheng couldn't help but raise his eyebrow at the sudden visitor waiting for them on the shrine's entrance when they returned.

"What are you up to Xiwangmu? Are you really going to remove that girl from her family just to give us a wedding gift? You need not bother - I already knew Gods could do despicable things."

"San Lang, let's listen to her. Maybe she has an explanation for all of this."

"I do, but I'm not the best person to explain it. Ask her parents why and you will find out why if you choose to accept her and raise her as your own, you will be doing all of us a favor." She vanishes before either of them could say a word.

"She's really insistent isn't she?"

"Insistent that she deprive one of her oracles from being with her daughter that is."

"Hmm...she says that the best people to ask are her parents. Let's invite them over to have a chat."

"We'll need to keep her distracted while we talk to her parents. Her mother cannot talk directly to anyone involved in her visions. She must have had a vision involving her early on which is why she doesn't want to share any of her visions with her."

"You have a point San Lang. But who would be able to keep her distracted? Oh." He has a pleased expression while Hua Cheng couldn't help but laugh at the hilarity that would ensue.

____________________________________________________________

"Couldn't you have called someone else to babysit her?" Mu Qing in his Fu Yao appearance complained as he and Feng Xin in his Nan Feng appearance arrived at Puqi shrine.

"Shi Qingxuan is ill and there is no way I'm letting Ming Guang anywhere near her."

"She's just a kid San Lang, I don't think Pei Ming would do anything to her."

"He has a point Dianxie, who knows what that womanizer would do." Feng Xin says as the four of them settle down in the living quarters of the shrine.

"Couldn't you have Yin yu do this instead?"

"Is your fear of women that debilitating?" Hua Cheng asks provokingly as Feng Xin's face becomes red.

"I'm not scared of little girls!"

"Good, then you two will have to do. Besides, Yin yu is currently on an assignment that he shouldn't be disturbed from. Unless of course it is an emergency."

"Fine. What do we do?"

"Stick with either Puqi village or a nearby area. And don't let her out of your sight and make sure she's always protected." Xie Lian says in a calm yet authoritative tone.

"What is important is that she shouldn't be anywhere within hearing shot of us. Her mother is an oracle and a priestess of Xiwangmu any information about a vision involving her might change certain things should she learn about them."

"Alright. Any other-"

"SAN LANG! XIE LIAN!" The little girl in question yells in urgent panic as she enters the shrine's grounds. All four rush out to meet her.

"Xiao-Ai what is it?" Xie Lian asks hoping to calm her down.

"Mama says baba is going to be killed today and she told me to run to you to help him!"

"Where is he?"

"He won't tell me where, he just says he's going on a trip to get moon cakes for my birthday gift. But I overheard him say something about getting the perfect vessel from porcelain."

Jingdezhen

Xie Lian telepathically says to all four present.

"You did well Xiao-Ai, San Lang and I will go there to help your father. Will you stay here with our friends Fu Yao and Nan Feng to watch over the temple?" She nods, the worry for her father's life is weighing on her.

"They will make sure you are safe."

"Okay, Xie Lian - if my baba dies, could you still bring him back to mama and I? He asked us to bring his remains to the capital of Fu Dao."

"Of course little one, we will bring your father back." Hua Cheng says reassuringly.

And with that they made their way to the porcelain capital.

AN: Thank you for reading.

Meng = Dream, Ai = Love (I don't know what the total meaning of that is in mandarin but I love the meanings of these names that I found in Chinese name websites)

Up next - Fengqing's first experience as uncles hahaha.

#We have it all #Chapter 2 #Hualian #Fengqing #Fanfiction #Fanfic #heaven official's blessing #tgcf #Hua Cheng #Xie Lian #Hua Cheng x Xie Lian #Mu Qing #Feng Xin #Family moments #Xie Lian x Hua Cheng

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ariaste · 1 year ago

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Hello hello! If it’s all right with you, I would like to vent for a moment: Back in the day, I used to be really into BBC Sherlock. I know it was bad, but it was “Be Gay (solve) Crimes” and I couldn’t resit. One of my favorite parts of the fandom was reading fan metas. I enjoyed reading your ridiculously long meta! I am not very clever and I enjoy reading people noticing things that I can’t. It’s fun watching people passionately pick up clues and put them together.

I don’t think I’m the only one getting superwholock flashbacks lately. Sherlock also tried an unreliable narrator in S4 and it was an absolute shit show. People thought thought the finale was fake, it was so bad. TBH, the entire show was a dumpster fire that thought it was more clever than it was. Moffat was a good writer for single episodes for DW, but a garbage show runner. And they called us crazy for picking up what they were putting down.

But Good Omens gives me a spark of hope. It is unashamedly queer, fun, drinks its respecting women juice, and, unlike moffatiss, I think Neil and the crew may actually be clever enough to pull something big off. I adore the Discworld series and Sir Terry, and I have faith Neil will to do right by him.

Good Omens is restoring my faith in nerdy queer fiction and reminding me why I love fandom so much. Please keep up the crackhead theories. I love them 💕

Thank you, that's very kind!

(Ended up writing a very long reply about the response to my essay and also about queerness in media. Idk why i am writing such long posts these days SORRY LOL. Anyway I'm putting it all beneath the cut so I can tag it without clogging people's dash or the tag pages)

It does make me sigh a little when I see people scornfully comparing my long essay to The Johnlock Conspiracy or saying that they're having Sherlock flashbacks, because the both the contexts of the shows and the methodology of the theorizing are VERY different. To my mind, a more direct comparison of methodology would be the Gravity Falls fandom's "Stan Has A Secret Twin" theory. Writers and showrunners DO like being sneaky and clever from time to time, and many of them are much better at it than Moffat is.

But whether or not my theory is right or not is... kind of irrelevant to me? I wasn't out to force anyone to agree with me, AND writing it was a really fun way to spend a weekend, AND I'm proud of the work I did and the story I told, AND it felt good to have a satisfying workout at the Brain Gym. So even if I'm proven utterly and completely wrong, I won't feel like I wasted my time. :)

Good Omens is a great show, and I am SO HAPPY to see it (and other shows!) embracing queerness, sharing the fans' enthusiasm for the story, and honoring and respecting the fans' love rather than punishing them for it. As more and more time goes on, I think we're going to see more and more shows like that, because some of the people who grew up reading tumblr discourse are going to be showrunners themselves one day, and they'll have learned serious lessons about what it feels like when the audience is met with love rather than disgust and disdain. In fact, we're ALREADY seeing more shows like that than we had 10 years ago! There is so much canonical queerness on-screen these days that the me of 10-15 years ago is ASTONISHED and feels wealthy beyond counting. Of course, there is so much further to go, but man... when i was a kid, we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to see two dudes making sustained emotional eye contact, and we were grateful for it. (Jokes but also.... kind of real tho)

We've seen the exact same thing happen in scifi/fantasy publishing in the last seven or eight years, too! (Went off on a long tangent about Queerness In Media from an insider perspective, continuing below a cut so I don't clutter everyone's dash)

Even as recently as 2013--ten years ago--you might not have even been able to get your book published if it was openly gay. Hell, you might not have been able to get an agent to represent it, even. It would have been labeled "unmarketable" and passed over; if it DID get published, the queerness would have been camouflaged and downplayed and hidden in the marketing as much as possible--you wouldn't have known by looking at the cover that it was queer, you wouldn't have been able to tell by reading the back cover that it was queer. In literally 2016, seven years ago, a few months before I got my first book deal, I remember having a conversation with a friend and being very very worried that if I wrote books as queer as I wanted them to be, I would be "pigeonholed" as "ONLY writing Gay Books", that I would be passed over for any of the publisher's marketing budget and publicity efforts, that I would be sidelined and ignored... In 2016, I thought I was facing a choice of writing stories with more "mainstream appeal" OR writing the books I wanted to write and potentially undermining the rest of my career.

That didn't happen, thankfully, because in the next couple years there was this incredible explosion of queer scifi/fantasy. You see, ten to fifteen years ago, a truly stunning percentage of my colleagues -- writers, editors, publicists -- were writing and reading fanfic, and they carried their tastes and story-hungers with them as they grew up and got Real Adult Jobs at publishing companies. And suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a lot of us came of age all at once and there was this absolutely enormous wave of queer SFF that in my opinion has brought us into a new golden age of the genre: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, The Chorus of Dragons series by Jenn Lyons, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie, The Tensorate series by Neon Yang, Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki, The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders, the Birdverse books by RB Lemberg, The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson, The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Reforged by Seth Haddon, The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson, Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell, The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin -- and these only the ones I could remember off the top of my head in 30 seconds, and I have a flavor of ADHD that makes my brain go blank when people ask me to think of specific examples of things! It is harder for me to think of a SFF book published in the last 7 years that ISN'T queer.

And then almost exactly a year ago, my book A Taste of Gold and Iron came out with THIS COVER:

Which. Is not so much a step forward in openly queer SFF as it is a fucking gauntlet thrown down in challenge. I cannot impress upon you strongly enough how much I would not have gotten this cover 10 years ago, and that's if the book was even accepted for publication in the first place. This cover SCREAMS gay fantasy romance. There is no attempt to hide it or camouflage it. It is advertising exactly what it is, right up front.

I got the absolute privilege and honor of having this cover--and I do consider it an incredible honor--because of the work that all my colleagues put in with their own work. Each queer book that got published wedged the door a little wider for the next one, and then a little wider still for the next one, until finally someone could get their foot in the door and squeeze across the threshold, which opened it a little wider again. So when I look at this image, I don't just see a beautiful cover that I am delighted to have on my books--I see an entire history of slow, steady progress by so many incredible writers who risked damaging their careers just to drag us to a point where a book as gay as this one could get a cover as gay as that one and STILL get the full and enthusiastic support of both the publisher and the audience. And the most incredible honor and the most humbling privilege out of all of this is the fact that the success of this book meant that the door was wedged open another little bit, that I got to contribute in this small way to the efforts of everyone who came before me, so that ones who come after us will find the door flung wide -- or that there's no door left at all to block the way, because we've collectively torn it down.

So yes, @eyona, I think that having your faith restored little by little is a very good thing, and I am delighted that Good Omens is doing that for all of us. And what's even better is that even if Good Omens doesn't play out exactly how we want it to, that's... kind of okay? Because there is always the next one, and at the very very least, Good Omens is wedging the door open further so that the next one can have an easier time of it. We don't have to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to get a moment of emotionally charged eye contact anymore. We don't have to starve anymore, not like we used to back in the bad old days. And that alone is a wonderful thing. :D

#good omens #a taste of gold and iron #publishing #queer media

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ariesmusingz · 9 months ago

Text

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა ╱ real talk sentence starters pt 1 ( created using lyrics from man overboard's real talk album. feel free to adjust to fit your muse. )

you could say one of two things

call me sometime or let's hang out

maybe i could help you out

stop acting like you'll ever see me again and like i don't have you figured out

i understand how it works

on paper, we're similar people

we're different people

you're tearing down the walls i built

tell your wrecking crew i welcome you

when the days slow down this summer don't forget

i did two years in your silhouette

your jaws of steel never forgave

it's haunting the way silence sounded

if i fucked up long ago, i'm sorry

i didn't realise it counted

it just wouldn't work out

that's what i'm telling myself

we're just two different people

it's eleven thirty at night

you're in your bed nice and tight

maybe you're dreaming of me

i am calling you

i am wishing you were here

i hope i didn't annoy you today

you answered anyway

i am hearing you

wishing i could feel you too

i miss her

i wanted to tell her

i spoke to myself in the mirror for a while tonight

i made a promise that i would never fuck up having you in my life

i think you're my favourite girl i've ever met

i bought a new notebook for the road

covered it with your area code

it's tattooed by the pen and i wish it was my home

i kinda hate everyone i know

lately i've been feeling so low

come get inside my bed

you make me feel dead by being out there in the unknown

just like a dream

she called me kinda late last night

said she knew everything

all those pretty little words came out

just like i planned she fell into my arms again

i could pretend that i would lie right here forever and wait for the end

you're right we should be together

tonight i could make it better if i just gave up on my stupid little fantasy world

you're right, that was a fake smile

you're right i am in denial

i should just go home to my perfect little fantasy girl

you're my fantasy girl

she crept back up inside my bed

said that she missed everything

all those words that made me fall came out

just like a trap, everything just fell right back

we were on tracck

i could lie with her all night now and wait to react

always turning out for the worst

you were always my most consistent curse

i hope this gets you kind of heated or stings a little if you even read it

bringing everyone down

you left this house feeling empty

it's better than feeling like it's burning to the ground

i can't live with you around anymore

you're blocking out the sound outside my door

i found more

i can't remember all the times that i almost had bruises for being on your side

now i hope that someone gets to you

see you around

you were alright back when we were young

you don't compare to anything that i've found

i wrote you down a letter before i went to sleep

it had all the secrets i could no longer keep

i held them in for so long i was going to break

maybe now i can rest and you will lay awake

i've been trying to escape but something keeps calling me

a feeling i can't shake

the darkness has swallowed me

i can't move fast enough to ditch what has followed me

lighting strikes everything that i touch

this is how it feels for me to be on my own

the sadness has cut me down to the bone

it's so bad

i don't think i'll make it home tonight

there's not enough light in your house that you could leave on for me tonight

there's not enough fights i could lose to justify how i feel tonight

if this would come true, i wonder what's really real tonight

if this makes any sense at all then push my back up against the wall

try calling your friends and asking what they have heard

you're looking for the gossip and hanging on every word

i'm not made

it's cute, it's actually absurd

i can't believe someone loves me so much

i've been failing every test and late for the makeup

left alone at your request as you do your make up

i know that i won't make this alright before it's over now tonight

i know that this won't be the last time i walk these streets

i hang my head

i wish i was dead

at my best, i'd suggest i've been weird since she left

it's normal autumn stuff

i guess i never thought enough

look at me

almost free from my crippling disease

shoot bullets through my foot

i think that'd work out real good

call me out

she's calling me out

i guess she didn't know better

she called me out

i guess that's why she's got her own man now

she's doing fine

she's got her own man now

what's she talking about>

at my best, put to test i'd score average or less

i can't apply myself

if i could just untie myself

she wants the yes's

gets the no's

before long there she goes

i guess she dug too deep

now she's just too bugged to sleep

you made yourself the guest of honor

the party got stopped and everybody just went home

#rp memes #rph #content: mine #rpt #rp sentence meme #memes: mine #roleplay memes #rp sentence prompts #rp promts #rp help #rpc

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quintiriss · 2 months ago

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What's up with the elders in the Alto series?

been playing alto's adventure and alto's odyssey recently (played it years ago but picked it back up after i got a new phone) and i'm just so intrigued with the world. specifically the elders.

what's up with them? what can they do? why are they there? how long have they been there? are they a friend or a foe??

the two games in the alto series kinda proves that every "region" has its own elders. the snow region has a bunch of them, but for the desert, the only elder we know of is Sumara, for some reason. but back to the snow region's elders.

Tupa. In-game he is described as "an elder who lives alone in the wilderness. some say he can harness the power of the mountain and all those who have travelled upon it." this is a VERY interesting description. because the other elders we see are all ordinary-like and feel more like sheriffs, if anything. but that's the thing. if they're elders, why are they chasing Tupa? And the rest of the alto gang? For the alto gang i guess it can be dumbed down to "young people the old people don't like"... but what about Tupa? It isn't that weird that he lives alone in the woods since all elders we've seen have their own camps. Do they chase Tupa because he's behaving the same way as the alto gang? Do they chase Tupa because they fear his abilities? Because like... the game just makes him sound like some kind of god.

In fact, the two elders who are with the alto gang are described to have a deep connection with their region. Sumara's description is "full of warmth and wisdom, Sumara shares a deep connection to the desert's wildlife, and all travellers she meets. Even the mischievous Lemurs are calmed by her presence."

The similarity between Tupa and Sumara are the fact that they have a special connection with travellers that trek their respective regions. However, the difference between them is while Tupa "harnesses the power of the mountain" (aka the environment itself), Sumara is connected to the wildlife. The way they're described in-game also really fits the regions they're in respectively which I like (Tupa being described as a sort of loner and is mysterious while Sumara is described as warm and inviting).

My headcanon is that the reason why we don't see any elders in the desert is because either Sumara is the one and only elder, or the other elders put their full trust on her for "overlooking" the desert. It fits in well with her inviting personality.

As for Tupa, I headcanon that he's the snow region's boogeyman. Due to his "harnessing the mountain" ability thing, the citizens of the snow region made him an object of fear. Perhaps the snow region wasn't even the snow region in the first place. Perhaps Tupa pulled an Elsa a long time ago. Now, many of the common folk probably donned the title of elder and even made a uniform for themselves, making them the region's police spread around the woods in hopes of capturing Tupa. Of course, they usually fail.

Also idk if it's just me but the elders in alto's adventure feel MUCH MORE TERRYFING compared to the lemurs. I play as Tupa in alto's adventure and it's always so nerve-wracking. Tupa doesn't have Sumara's mechanic where he can make peace with the elders like how Sumara is with the lemurs. That's kind of what inspired this post.

Alto's gang was probably a rebellious group of young people who went into the woods to seek out Tupa for funsies. Then the found family trope commences, and now you have a group of teenagers/young adults who can casually do things the elder of the mountains can do.

I also headcanon that probably, upon knowing that it is dangerous for alto's gang to associate with him in any way, Tupa sent them off to the desert to meet an elder and community that would treat them better as the common folk of the mountains were getting more hostile by the day. Alto's gang tried to convince Tupa to go too, but that would be the equivalent to breaking some divine law idk. So yeah.

#i rambeled a lot for this sorry #ITS JUST THE ELDER LORE IS SO INTERESTING OKAYYYY #I LOVE MY FOUND FAMILY EVEN THO THEY NEVER INTERACTED ONCE IN THEIR OWN DAMN GAME #EVEN THO THEYRE THE ONLY CHARACS IN THEIR OWN DAMN GAME #alto's adventure #alto's odyssey

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naoreco · 2 years ago

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And what of my adaptational bitterness?!

Not long ago, I decided to look at some of my favorite FE15 scenes with Japanese voice acting, given how fantastic the English dub is-- and something I picked up in the process is that the scene between Alm and Mycen in Rigel Castle has a couple of interesting changes that I wanted to lay out! Particularly with its most... iconic lines. Major spoilers ahead!

(Note: I'm not a native Japanese speaker, and I'm not entirely fluent, but I took two years of college classes and damn if I'm not putting that all to use here!!)

While I put together a document going through the whole conversation in Japanese and loosely translating it, most of it is generally the same, aside from two bits. You're also not going to get the whole picture just by reading the lines, as the voice acting does a great deal for both sides of this conversation, so I highly recommend you pull up the scene in video form as well.

Now, the first change is pretty brief! Specifically, when Mycen brings up Alm's birth during his whole spiel about how the gods are deteriorating.

Mycen: しかし、そこにアルム。お前が生まれた。(Shikashi, soko ni Arumu. Omae ga umareta.) But then there's you, Alm. You were born. But then you were born, Alm.

Alm: ！！ (*gasp*) ...! What does that have to do with any of this?

The second, more important one, is Alm's reaction to being Rudolf's mercy, and how Mycen responds to that. The exchange goes like this:

Mycen: それが愛するわが子であればこれ以上の喜びはない…… (Sore ga aisuru waga ko de areba koreijou no yorokobi wa nai…) So for it to be his beloved child, he could feel no greater joy… So for that death to come at the hand of his beloved son was… a mercy.

Mycen: ルドルフは、そう言っておった。(Rudorufu wa, sou itte otta.) Rudolf told me so himself. He told me himself that he could imagine no more peaceful end.

Alm: そんな…… 父さん、父さんっ……！！(Sonna… Tou-san, Tou-san…!!) That's... Father, father...!! And what of my peace?!

"Sonna..." on its own is a pain to translate, but the specific meaning isn't as relevant as how Natsuki Hanae says this line. Rather than reacting with even more bitterness because Rudolf's convoluted plan made no room for Alm's own say on the matter - him yelling at Mycen earlier for sending him to kill his own father is about the same already - JP Alm just... breaks down and cries for his father, essentially. And it's this difference in reaction that makes Mycen respond in turn!

Mycen: 泣くな、アルムよ。(Naku na, Arumu yo.) Don't cry, Alm. This is not the time for mourning or self-pity, boy.

Compared to something like "nakanaide" (please don't cry), "naku na" is more direct in just. You know. Telling someone not to cry instead of asking them. So perhaps there's a weight behind those words that I'm missing, but with his quieter and more even tone of voice, and the way he addresses Alm by name, it comes off as a lot gentler than how he scolds Alm in the localization.

Now, why were these changes made? Are they better or worse? I don't know! Sure, I'd like Mycen not to be kind of a dick to his grandson while he's feeling so vulnerable, but I can tolerate it because that's how I first experienced the scene, and their supports say a great deal more about how they feel about each other than a scene where they're both freshly grieving. More than that, though, I think Alm breaking down and sobbing and Alm sticking it to the man both get to something very important about his position here, something that Natsuki Hanae and Kyle McCarley also portray amazingly:

He's way too young for this shit.

#also going through this gave me even greater respect for the art of localization #it's one thing to translate but it's another to make it sound nice and my own translations were very barebones #but even then my own vision kind of stuck through whether it's accurate or not haha #fire emblem #fe15 #fe sov #fire emblem echoes #shadows of valentia #fire emblem echoes shadows of valentia #alm #fe alm #mycen #fe mycen

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beanghostprincess · 1 year ago

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Ohhhh dark princess beanghost deliverer of all that good good Sanuso, deliver upon us your forbidden and darkest knowledge of transfem!Usopp!Sanuso. Is she in lesbians with transfem Sanji? Are they T4T transfemxtransmasc? Did cis, Bi guy Sanji manage to find the only woman in the OP universe who finds him charming (and it just happens to be the first one that he truly and honestly actually falls in love so deeply with in a way none of his crushes ever even compared to because of course Usopp is beautiful and sexy but she’s also silly and KIND and smart and his best friend and he cannot shut up about her? ) Please please tell us what you think I want some more transfem Usopp in my life

You ask, I deliver and share my knowledge. Don't use this fantastic and dark, magical information for the evil.

Okay, so I absolutely love all of these ideas for Transfem!Usopp and Sanuso. My favorite probably is them being lesbians and dating because if you can make a ship sapphic, do it. Always. It's the best thing you can do to a ship. Turn them into women. Makes it 100% better. Probably saying this because I am a lesbian myself and I love sapphic couples. But yes.

So, I actually love the whole Cis guy Sanji falling for Transfem!Usopp, but I'm gonna mix both ideas because I am a genius and I just had a revelation.

Usopp comes out as a trans girl to the crew when they find each other at Sabaody after two years. Everyone accepts her, of course, and Nami couldn't be happier to have her in the girls' room now (they're so best friends I love them). Sanji, after his time at Momoiro Island, takes it well. As well as he can take it, of course, having in mind that he still doesn't understand the whole concept of being trans yet (he feels such fury and hatred towards it... Why would that be, I wonder). He still feels weird around it, but when it's Usopp the one to say she's a girl... It's different, now. Sanji starts to understand everything better.

It's not like Usopp changes that much, after that. Her hair is longer and she still keeps it messy or in a low ponytail. Her clothes are basically the same, but now with a bit more of femininity to them. Sanji doesn't know how to put it, but the way she moves and speaks and dresses now is a bit different, yet completely the same. Perhaps it's just him. Perhaps seeing her as a woman has changed him, even if Usopp hasn't changed much. Whatever- Sanji has everything under control (or so he says) because, even if Usopp is a girl, she's still his best friend. They're best friends. They established that two years ago and it still remains a true fact.

Usopp does get the gentleman treatment from Sanji, of course. She might be his best friend but she's still a girl (a very, very beautiful girl with a wonderful brain and looks and voice and-) and the cook can't hold back from literally throwing up hearts and bleeding everywhere whenever he sees her. The sniper (who may or may not have the hugest crush on Sanji) appreciates this gesture, thinking at first that it's just Sanji's way of telling her that she accepts her. She thinks that he's faking all of this. At first, of course. Because then it becomes genuine and constant and she kind of understands how Nami feels, because damn the guy is annoying most of the time. But also, well- Usopp loves being loved by him, even if it's in the same way for every other girl he meets.

The things is... Sanji doesn't feel like he's the same with other girls. He acts like that with them because that's how a man should treat a woman (worshipping her completely), but he does all of this for Usopp because, well, that's his best friend. His sniper. And the way she makes him feel is something he has never actually experienced before. Sanji realizes, then, while their relationship keeps growing (holding hands, stargazing together, hidden smiles, obvious blushes, nervous laughter, all their moments alone...) that it's not only the fact that he's probably in love with Usopp (wow, surprising, right?) but... He kind of wants to be like her?

Sanji puts the thought aside, though. Love is more important. Love. Whatever he feels for Usopp. He has never, ever experienced this before, unlike what most people might think. And it's driving him crazy. Because what is he supposed to do when the love he feels is too much to not show it and too scary to make Usopp know? So burying his feelings deep down with the hope they'll disappear soon is the answer to everything! (Don't do this, Sanji is just stupid).

But of course, the feelings don't go away. He just falls even more and more and more for her. From the way she laughs to the way she talks excitedly about her new creations. And she's the same Usopp he used to know, just a bit different and, well, happier. More confident. Way sexier now that she acts more freely. Sanji can't handle this. Especially when it comes hand in hand with the poisonous sensation that he tries hard to keep at bay. The envy. The longing. The wanting to be free, like that. Sanji dreams a lot about the dress he used to wear back at Momoiro. It felt good on his skin. Something felt good on his skin for once.

Whatever. It doesn't have to mean antyhing. He's just in love with Usopp, that can accept it. And wanting to be like the girls he constantly cherishes isn't that weird. He had his moment in Punk Hazard with Nami's body, right? It isn't- It isn't weird.

Then Whole Cake Island happens, and everything starts crumbling down around him. First of all because he's gonna end up getting married to a girl he doesn't even know, leaving the real love of his life behind. And second, because he's starting to realize some stuff he didn't want to admit before- But being so close to men. To the men who hurt him. Thinking so much about the way he loved his mom... How much Reiju says he looks like her and how little bothered he is by that, in fact wanting to look more and more like her. Long hair. Long eyelashes. Beautiful, beautiful woman.

He thinks about Usopp a lot, there, when he feels trapped. About her smile and her eyes and her voice and her outfits that are not feminine at all and yet still feel meant to be worn by a woman. He thinks about the way he loves her, so deeply and unconditionally and both physically and emotionally. He thinks about wanting to share that experience of freedom with her, and thinks that- Well. Sometimes- Sometimes he thinks about dresses. And make up. And how being called a princess would still hurt but would hurt only because of the meaning behind of the word and not because of the word itself. And Reiju tells him about it. About their mom and that the way he acts isn't because of being weak, but human. And then she mentions that well, of course she has empathy, she's a girl. And Sanji wonders if it's, maybe and just maybe, the same for him.

Her.

Yeah. That feels good enough.

She realizes suddenly, everything she had been bottling up, making her heart explode into a million pieces. Then the pieces are all put together by Luffy, who's the first to know. Sanji tells him about wanting- About maybe being a woman. Luffy only smiles and says that he likes the way Sanji smiles when she pronounces the word. That those are great news, even, because Sanji would never hurt a woman, and all of this (running away and forcing Luffy to leave her alone) is hurting her. So she has to come back to the crew for a woman to be happy. It doesn't make any sense, but Sanji cries anyway.

So, stuff happens. Sanji has a lot of time to think. And then they get to Wano. It's not the best time to come out, honestly, but she has to do it or else they will probably end up burnt to death by a big ass dragon before she can actually be herself fully. She doesn't have the guts to tell Usopp privately, even if she wants her to be at least the second one to know, so she tells the whole crew (and Torao, for some reason, because he's always there). She doesn't stop looking at Usopp's eyes, though. For something like... Acceptance? Support? Understanding? Love? Sanji isn't sure, but it makes talking about this easier.

Once again, everyone accepts it, of course. Zoro makes a joke about her just wanting to be in the girls room, and she doesn't even have to kick her because Robin is the one to smack him in the head without her extra arm being noticed right away. It's not a huge change because they can't do much now, but Kinemon gives her a proper kimono for her. She feels... So pretty.

Usopp tells her she looks pretty, so happy and joyful and proud of Sanji it makes the cook melt under her gaze. She notices a bit of blush, too, on her best friend's face, so she takes her to a private place to talk things out. To actually talk things out.

Sanji confesses that her new self is basically thanks to Usopp, and so she thanks her with a shy smile and a laugh. And Usopp hugs her. Tight. It almost makes them both cry. And Sanji doesn't really know why it happens or how it happens or- Or even when, but Usopp kisses her. And she moves away as quickly as she leaned in, starting to mutter anxious words under her breath and apologizing for using this moment to confess, but she just couldn't go into such dangerous adventure without making Sanji know first.

The weight on Sanji's shoulders disappears, and the urge to kiss Usopp back becomes stronger than anything else.

Long story short, because it's nighttime and I work tomorrow morning: Sanji and Usopp move to the girls' room, which means work for Franky to make it wider. Sanji is more femme fatale while Usopp goes more for a nerdy, messy vibe. And they start dating, of course, and become the most annoying sapphic couple in this ship. Also, Sanji grows her hair long for her mom and Usopp loves to help her taking care of it. If they call Ivankov or not for a lil bit of help with her bodies, that's up to you, but I like the thought of Sanji wanting to change her whole body (except her killer thighs grrr) and Usopp like, wanting boobs but not too big and also still keeping the lower parts bc, and I quote: "Why would you want something that's harder to pee with?" and even Nami would agree.

They're the cheesiest and clingiest most beautiful couple ever. Live laugh love transfem Sanuso.

#i'm eepy as you can notice by the fact that i didn't write any dialogue here #maybe tomorrow tho because i am OBSESSED with them #god i love them #sapphic lesbians transfem girlfriends sanuso my beloveds #one piece #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso #transfem sanji #transfem usopp #transfem sanuso #fem sanuso

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