#i'm doing better compared to two years ago but this is just a different kind of hell

[thebittercorvus]

if i could torn myself into one million pieces, i would.

i'm stretching myself thin, slowly, disappearing. there aren't enough hours in the day. not enough days in the week.

i wake up

exhausted

and no amount of sleep can fix it

wondering. pondering. will it ever be enough.

the alarm sounds once again.

if i could put my soul for rent just to get by, i would've done so a million years ago.

[illusioncanthurtme--art]

im curious, why do you like fiddlestan?

i like them in theory (all the pain potential, jeez!) but i feel like i'm missing something very obvious

Oh boy, you’re about to open pandoras box with this one -

I’ve liked fiddlestan for a LONG time, almost a decade now, (EXHIBIT A!!!), and honestly, I’ll admit that the ship is mostly based on speculation. So maybe you’re not missing something obvious, maybe I’m just delusional. I can’t speak for everyone, all I can do is explain why I like it: because it’s deeply rooted in several layers of irony. 

It’s ironic because fiddleford spent the better part of a YEAR dealing with fords nonsense. (And I KNOW, it’s not all bad, but really, especially if you read journal 3, that poor man was put through a LOT. He was definitely taken advantage of, at LEAST a little.) And after grappling with the acceptance that your longtime friend and unrequited love will never return your feelings, having lost the man to some crazy otherworldly nightmare machine, who shows up?? But his TWIN BROTHER who’s HUMBLE and KIND and TEN TIMES MORE DOWN TO EARTH?? It’s ironic, because they don’t know each other, yet they both have years of history with the same person who’s wronged them, and, they can make out about it!! THEY CAN FUCK TO SPITE HIM!! Stan stole his brothers name (and committed multiple crimes under said name), stole his house, and stole his research partner!! And… it's ironic because it’s Grunkle Stan and old man Mcgucket. That needs no elaboration.

(these are all my personal takes/headcanons! Like I said, this ship is based solely on interpretation, so I’m sure a lot of fiddlestanners like fiddauthor too. There’s like a billion different ways to interpret this ship.)

Also -

Their personalities are surprisingly similar when you stop and think about it!! You put those two in the same room, and they’d come up with some highly devilish scams together. They both have moral codes that are a little… ambiguous. And… I can’t believe I’m gonna pull this out as *canon fiddlestan documentation* but these are the kind of crumbs we’re working with here: MABELS DREAM IN THE SOCK OPERA CREDITS!!!! Although it’s not something that actually happened, and it’s just a reference to statler and waldorf, they are IN CHARACTER!! I think this is how they would actually act together if they were friends!! Just two old dudes, hanging out together watching tv, making fun of whatever they’re watching. If you’re in the room, you might get roasted too. Just a couple of old farts. It makes me so happy to think about. 

No fiddlestan rundown post would be complete without the fandoms EXTREME STRAW GRASP at Old Goldie and the Flame Retardant Raccoon. Soos calls mcgucket a “prospector guy,” amongst the other obvious comparisons you can make between fiddleford and goldie. Goldie is something stan used to like a long time ago, but he’s all old and fucked up now, best to throw him away and forget about it. BUT, as it turns out, there’s still good in that old thing after all. SO LETS GET MARRIED IN VEGAS!!!! It’s an extreme stretch, but… It’s a fiddlestan trope that they, at some point, have a crazy night of fun+romance in vegas together.  And I personally like to think that they return when they’re older+happy and tie the knot for reals. The raccoon speaks for itself - it’s one of the ways you can compare stan to a raccoon. And of course, mcgucket's raccoon wife. 

This is where it starts to get a little angsty, and if you “get all the pain potential” then you may have already given this some thought - but why does stan treat fiddleford the way he does if they used to love each other? The whole “UGH, this guy” comment in land before swine, looking all uncomfortable around him in fight fighters, choosing the spot furthest from where mcgucket lotions himself at the pool, and the “possum breath” comment in the last episode (and fiddleford actually has the mental clarity to look perturbed after he says it). Stan is hurt!!! He’s upset!! If they used to be a Thing after the portal incident, something must have happened between them for fiddlefords mental illness to get the better of him, and for him to choose to erase both stan and ford from his memories. I, personally, think that it was deep rooted internal homophobia (being raised in the south, that runs deep), and being scared for getting too close to stan. They were getting too comfortable, and that scared him. What about his family? And tate? His son can never meet stan. He can never let his wife know. And all the paranormal fuckery incidents leading up to this that already weakened his mental state, the portal incident, already having zapped his brain a few times, would have sent him over the edge. So I’m thinking they would have gotten into a fight of some kind, and fiddleford would have stormed off. Thus leaving stan having to live in a town with the person he USED to love, who doesn’t remember him at all!!! What!!!!! That sucks!!!! Only upside to fiddlefords memory erasure is that it makes it easier for stan to pretend nothing ever happened. But it’s still not easy. Also, if word ever got out that old man mcgucket used to be his boyfriend, he would never be able to live it down. So he compensates by being an ass towards him. Fuck. 

But then!! If fiddleford has the chance to heal!!! (say… maybe… when the twins are on the stan o war II) then stan would come back to gravity falls and see fiddleford looking like the person he knew thirty years ago!!!! WHAT!?!?! CAN’T RUN FROM YOUR PAST FOREVER, CAN YOU!?!?! And you KNOW fiddleford would remember what happened with stan. How long can stan keep himself in denial?? And now we’re opening up the can of worms: how the FUCK does this information reach ford?? That your brother used to canoodle with your research partner and might STILL BE?? That has so much potential too. 

Ok I wasn’t expecting to write those last two paragraphs but it’s A BIG PART OF WHY I LOVE FIDDLESTAN!!! It’s a crazy fucking rollercoaster ride!!! This thing has so many angles!!! And that’s just MY fiddlestan interpretation - I’ve seen a lot of different takes on the sort of story that would transpire between these two. But no matter what you’re cooking, It’s always a LOT. 

There’s probably so so much I didn’t touch on here. If anyone else wants to throw in their two cents as to why they like fiddlestan, please, add something!!!

[hansoeii]

Several things: -LOVE your art, it’s amazing! Especially the one with Crowley and Aziraphale under the umbrella - which software do you use? Your art always look SO gorgeous (cheeky quote from GO right there lol) - how did you get so good at drawing?And thank you for encouraging other people to keep drawing and being so kind as I sometimes can’t help but compare my sketches to others and feel silly, but I guess it’s just a learning curve… Thank you so much for bringing your art to the world!😊

Thank you so much!!

I use Clip Studio Paint for drawing and Photoshop for small adjustments!

2. Haha thanks! Honestly...it's the hyperfixations. I managed to improve a lot in just a year because I've been drawing SO much cos there's so many shows and movies I became obsessed with that I wanted to create art for. So by drawing a lot I just naturally improved. For example these two Illustrations are just a year apart:

I actually didn't actively try to improve, it's been a while since I did proper studies (I just don't really have the time for it between freelancing and art school), it just happened.

But I can absoluetly recommend going on YouTube and look for some art tutorials if you actively want to start improving! There's some channels that helped me so much back then:

moderndayjames

Incredible shape language and super insightful tutorials on all kinds of topics! I learned so much from him.

Ahmed Aldoori

So many awesome tutorials on so many different areas of art. Love it.

Marco Bucci

Incredible tutorials on color theory and understanding how color works in general! Learned SO much from him!

Sinix Design

The OG tutorials I began learning from. I watched his videos religiously as a teen. I adore his painterly style and adopted it in some way, haha.

Ethan Becker

This dude sometimes drops these tiny art tips that just completely blow my mind and that I adopt immedietly. He's super entertaining but also such a great teacher.

And I can also recommend checking out this book by James Gurney if you want to get better at colors!

And for anatomy I highly recommend the Morpho books!

But improvement doesn't only come from drawing a lot. A lot of the time I don't draw for a while and just study the world and artists around me and suddenly I improved when I get back to drawing. Don't ever overwork yourself to the point that you don't enjoy what you do anymore. Take breaks and listen to your body!

I learned to try and not compare myself to other artists, which helped a lot. Through conventions and social media I made so many lovely artist friends and realized how we're all struggling in a very similar way. A lot of us don't even really know what we're doing most of the time, haha. But we help each other out, it's such a wonderful community. I think when you're not actively part of the community it tends to feel like other, more successful artists are some kind of art gods that have perfected the craft and never struggle. But believe me, all the artists you admire go through rough times all. the. time. Sometimes what they do feels easy and natural, other times (more often than not) it feels like you have to try and learn how to walk all over again and you start to doubt your abilities. I personally go through that so many times.

So what I'm trying to say is that instead of comparing yourself to the artists you admire, learn from them instead. Ask questions, befriend fellow artists, study the artists you enjoy and just have fun with it!

And finally I thought it would be fun to share some of my horrendous Johnlock fanart from a decade ago for some motivation:

I hope my answer didn't overwhelm you, but I thoight it would be nice to give a more detailed answer!

Have a wonderful day and keep drawing! :)

[39oa]

(nonsensical hrpf data exercise) degree centrality graphing & other archive insights

intro/prior work

hello 🙇‍♀️ i'm not sure this post will make any kind of sense at all, but i love analyzing ao3 data and i especially find it fascinating in the realm of sports/hrpf because of the amount of player- and team-related attributes that offer dimensionality to fandom analysis when examined in parallel with archive metrics. i've already kind of done hrpf overviews on two separate occasions over the past year or so, but my method of collection differed in each instance and also always gave me new things to chew on and potentially explore, such as expanding on the link between player talent and shippability and whether high-draft picks have more fic written for them on average.

i most recently examined player data based on aggregated relationship counts since 2022, but this was a limited snapshot meant to piece together recent ficdom trends (see top ships since 01/01/22) and not be representative of fandom overall. basically, things i want to visualize/talk about now are:

hockey is so widespread as a sports fandom because there are 32 teams in the league, which when compared to a community like f1 makes it difficult to succinctly summarize primary relationships for. there is no self-contained grid of 20 drivers that remains generally fixed within a season, where every move in/out of that "roster" is highly reported upon and instrumental to fandom makeup, but instead a more amorphous network of malleable rosters featuring high-variance cascading orders of character visibility; in short, the difference between the most and least popular driver in f1 fandom is not the same as the difference between sidney crosby and that one ahl lifer who was called up to your 4th line two months ago because your team is utterly decimated and gunning for bedard.

Still: because rosters are so malleable and trades happen with some amount of frequency, and because hockey is still an "insular" ecosystem in terms of geographic accessibility and junior-age development (for better or worse; mostly for worse, but that's neither here nor there), players intrinsically have a low degree of separation between one another, whether it be as teammates now or as friends growing up in the ohl, ntdp, etc. i therefore wanted to take that a step further and look at it through fic metrics especially: can we use a summary of ficdom's real, tangible output and visualize it through a similar network? (+ where and how does that network differ from player connections in practice?)

back to the impact of draft pick # and assessments of talent relative to popularity, i also wanted to look at the most "successful" ships in ficdom from this network and evaluate the different distributions and impacts of their respective attributes. are certain player positions more popular? which nationalities are the most commonly shipped?

etc. But let's just get into it.

process

getting any kind of information from a 60%-locked fandom on ao3 is a nightmare and introduces a myriad of data-collecting limitations, so i do feel it important to disclaim that what i present in this post functions more in the realm of Approximate Interpretation and Potential Correlation than any actual 100% objective representation of fandom metrics.

a perceived limitation i have with character tagging metrics on ao3 is that they don't exactly reflect shippability; that is, if q.hughes is tagged as a character in a n.hischier/j.hughes fic, it gets attributed to his character tag but doesn't actually say anything about how many Relationship Fics exist for him on a whole. my best solution for this was essentially uncovering most of a player's relationships and summing their individual fic counts to create an approximate # of "relationship fics" for each player. so any kind of shippability graph going forward will use that metric.

i used ao3's relationship tag search and filtered by canonical in the men's hockey rpf fandom and only pulled relationship* fics ("/" instead of "&") with a min. of 20 works. ao3's counts are... Not the most accurate, so my filtering may have fudged some things around or missed a few pairings on the cusp, which again is why all the visuals here are not meant to show Everything in the most exact manner but function more so as a "general overview" of ficdom. although i did doublecheck the ship counts so the numbers themselves are accurate as of time of collection.

(*i excluded wag ships, reader ships, threesomes to make my life easier although i know this affects numbers for certain players, hc/gm ships, and any otherwise non-NHL Player ship. for ex., this eliminated anna kasterova/evgeni malkin, tyler brown/tyler seguin, and kyle dubas/william nylander, just to name a few)

all ship data was collected march 16, 2023.

PART 1. SC87 ship networking

when i first began this exercise i tried graphing ships for all the first-overall picks from 2003-2022 because i wanted to get an overarching sense of their connections. however, doing so made me realize that sidney crosby was by and far the most-connected node in the graph (and basically all hrpf in general) with a degree of 11, and that he was centering one huge component to which only two ships failed to connect (op/kj and slaf/xhekaj). basically:

so then i was like, right! let me instead use sidney crosby as my sole starting node, map out all ships with 20+ works from him specifically, take the players he connects to and map out their corresponding ships (excluding sid) and just keep iterating until i basically reach a final child node. through this, i yielded 112 ships and 98 unique players, with my final connecting node coming 9 degrees of separation away through brady tkachuk ↔ tim stützle/quinn hughes. unfortunately i can't actually host this little code snippet anywhere lol but i also wrote an input to check the pathways between any two players which was kind of fun:

here is the actual network graph with colors from automatically generated clustering, which doesn't really mean much but i thought was one nice way of presenting it. the edge width refers to the sum of fics for each ship and the node size refers to the degree, or number of ships, for each player.

i then also joined my player set with a dataset that included draft year, drafted team, position, etc... and through that color-coded the graph with the team each player was originally drafted to (i always struggle between using current team and draft team because which one matters more is super contextual, but... using draft team made my life easier this time so i hope it's still interesting.) here i only included colors for 13 teams that had 3+ players each:

→ [full-size graph]

we can do a bit more analysis based on this specific sidcros network, like which players are the "most-shipped" or overviewing cross-team shipping tendencies:

but! of course, not ALL big hrpf ships lead back to sc87. using him as a central node essentially just helped me filter out excess "noise" when searching for relationship tags on ao3, because now i could exclude anyone connected to him at all (note: the relationship fics from my set equaled upward of 19,000 works, accounting for 60.4% of the entire men's hockey rpf archive) and hit other significant tags more efficiently.

through this method, i singled out a new set of 76 ships and 134 unique players (notice the significant decrease in overlap), which i then combined with my sid ships to create one massive set of Hockey Ships With Over 20+ Works On Ao3 that i could analyze holistically. no idea if this makes any sense but bear with me:

PART 2. general ship insights

i won't bore people with endlessly listing out ship rankings but here's the previous top chart with the new ships slotted in:

now for some overall player analysis!

first i wanted to look at how attributes like draft round, nationality, and position (F/D/G) are represented in the player set.

the nationality distribution is pretty close to all active nhl players this season, so there aren't major disparities there. however, the vast majority of players 1) were drafted in the first round and 2) are mostly forwards, with the forwards also seemingly reflecting the general philosophy of faster development/higher recent-round representation. we can take this overview a step further and actually examine the fic averages for each characteristic as a proxy for measuring shippability/ficdom popularity.

first, i scatterplotted all players by their draft pick and number of fic to (try and) show the heavy skew toward top picks (inspired by the gar draft pick value curve and other similar plots). this is... well, limited in many ways, and if i had an actually adequately large dataset i could specifically plot averages per distinct pick number and try to present something there, but the problem is that a lot of these later pick numbers only have like one player so there's way too much variance LOL.

but just for the sake of this exercise i excluded j.benn as an outlier and grouped fic averages by round (left below). again, noting the sample sizes, let's just say that first rounders on average seem to have the most fic written about them, even if it's not a particularly shocking insight. we can also try creating a histogram for "shippability" by draft year, binning here for every 2 years, to see which draft years appear to have had the most success (right below). note the peaks around 2005 and 2015, aka the sc87 and cm97 ~Generational Years~ 🤔

i've also been interested in figuring out which positions are commonly preferred—since centers are so often the faces of a franchise and are essentially the most sought-after position, and since goalies occupy a positionally static role/are less oriented toward contact (and the presumed homoeroticness thereof) in the way skaters are, is that reflected in the fic metrics as well? turns out: yes.

some ship analysis

learning more about player data in a vacuum is fun, but we also have all of this relationship data that lets us examine how different characteristics interact with each other, which is meaningful as well! for example, we know that forwards are heavily represented in the dataset, but is center4center the most common combination? or is there love for a franchise center and his beloved winger or the team's dependable 1d?

(fought for my life trying to figure out how to map this properly so please accept a horrible bar chart instead) as it turns out, the most common combination is centers/wingers, followed afterward by centers/centers. i don't know whether this really means much to me because i'd like to dissect the combos even further (is C/C more often 1C 2C or cross-team rivalry 1C shipping? are C/W usually linemates? etc.) but 🤷‍♀️ here's a graph.

i also distributed ships by their nationality combination, displaying to the surprise of no one a heavy preference (a whopping 66.4%!) for north american-exclusive shipping. i also thought stacking by "draft year" (= averaging the draft year between both players for each ship) offered some interesting insight into usa4usa shipping having slightly younger representation. also i do think usa/germany being singlehandedly driven up this chart by one family is remarkable and hilarious LOL.

also in the realm of draft year analysis, i wanted to look at draft year differences and whether fandom preferences seem to lie by way of same-age-ish pairings and In-Class Bicycling so to speak. graphing ships by these differences spanned a range of 20 years, with the oldest "age" (draft) difference being 20 years between zdeno chara and charlie mcavoy. overall, of 175 ships with a drafted player, 60.5% were drafted within 2 years of each other (18.2% in the same draft), and only 5% had a draft difference of 10 or more years.

then, of those 32 ships drafted within the same year, i distributed their counts by year to see which draft classes featured the biggest in-class clusters, leading us again to the Famed Class of 2015:

closing thoughts

i'll stop here :saluting_face: something else i had on the agenda that i don't really know how to adequately explore with this dataset is basically stanley cup champion stuff, e.g. looking at players and ships and fic counts from winning teams and how/whether a sort of "winning bias" has been trending down as of late (see the relative success of ships from teams like phi/ana compared to tbl/stl)—temporal data is so particular and difficult to wrangle with ao3 though so i'll have to let this one percolate a little bit.

finally, another thing (!) that i love examining is captaincy and how it often helps inform shippability; C/A/guyswithletters shipping obviously generously overlaps with being drafted early, high-impact players, some positional stuff like Young Star Center having the role foisted onto him, etc. and many of these aspects are immediately identifiable in top ships like 8771, 1634, 1386... just to name a few obvious ones. unfortch i don't really have the time or space to look at that here but it's something i'm still interested in maybe expanding on, and i also never ended up collecting actual skater *performance* data which would be super fun to eventually get to, e.g. mapping ficdom output to not just background identifiers like draft year/pick but also 1) actual tangible evaluations of player goals/points/(salary?!?)/etc. and 2) some dimension of draft outperformance/underperformance, which is pertinent for scenarios like late-round picks who have defied career expectations (see outlier jbenn having a shit ton of lifetime fic) AND early-round picks whose trajectories have not panned out as expected for whatever reason; often the ~tragic~ frustration of being a bust actually invites more narrative focus and scrutiny, but at the same time ficdom trends have pointed themselves to being attracted to many historic, talented, generational, and so on players, who more often than not are also winners, which potentially posits a need for some sustained line of access/visibility to high-expectation players significantly before they're regarded as "busts" in order to organically grow and generate initial interest that can survive the renewed reality of their situation. but who knows

again, i don't know whether any of this even makes sense or is interesting to literally anyone at all, but i personally enjoyed just dicking around graphing shit and getting to join a ton of tables together for absolutely no reason lol. that's all!

[ineed-to-sleep]

Hi!! I Love your art sm. Do you have any tutorials on how you draw heads? I always struggle getting the proportions right, even after trying the lumos method and using reference photos?

Thank you and I love your ocs!

Thank you!! <3

I've been thinking about how I was gonna try to help you here tbh, because I myself don't really have like a, set static process for drawing heads jfkakdk so I didn't wanna get here and just sound like that owl meme yk

Even though that's kind of basically how it goes jvvjvkkv I draw a circle, draw one or two guidelines, then just follow my heart <3 but that's not very useful advice I don't think.......

So what I can recommend, which is just what worked for me, is this:

Practice drawing the head from various angles and making it look consistent. I've been practicing this recently and it's been massively helping me understand the head's proportions better. I think this works regardless of whether you're drawing it realistically or heavily stylized, all that matters is that you aim to keep the proportions and angles looking right

(personal example I'm still working on just to show you what I mean + a handy ref someone posted on pinterest of this asaro head)

Using stuff like the Loomis method is good, but there are other methods you can try out that could help you more! I've seen this one from Sinix with the mask method, and there's also a box method on Proko's channel. Try out some different methods and see if any of them work for you

Also, measuring!! It'll go a long way when studying or drawing from reference honestly. Try sketching it, then compare your sketch to the reference and take some measurements to see what went wrong. You can draw lines on top of the ref to compare or use anything like a pencil to measure if you're drawing traditionally

Drawing the skull is also really helpful! Just like drawing the muscles to understand the body, drawing the skull from various angles will really help you understand the structure that lies underneath the face, which will help you draw it better when you plaster some skin on top of it. I personally haven't done skull studies in a long time, but when I did them a few years ago they helped me a lot

(these are from 2 years ago I think? but yeah they really helped lay those foundations)

And finally, I think drawing from imagination(without any refs) after doing any of these studies will really help to cement what you've learned into your head. Kind of like a revision to help you memorize the steps yk

That's kind of all I have because my process is pretty much intuitive, but what I can say is that these studies are probably the reason why I draw intuitively at all + without much reference most of the time. I hope these are helpful <3 Good luck!!

[dozyisdead]

Low downforce isn't necessarily a bad thing! Teams are constantly adjusting their levels based on tracks (ex. McLaren last year during Las Vegas), but Williams does seem car more suited for low downforce tracks. The thing I find kinda interesting, is that in theory a low downforce setup would actually be better for Alex who prefers oversteer--- which also means that Max could probably do very well in that Williams if they shave off the extra weights that's quite literally weighing them down. Carlos is almost notorious throughout the Ferrari fans for liking understeer better than oversteer (because Charles is wildly known as preferring a car on the nose, or more oversteer like Max and Alex). This kinda makes you wonder what that will entail for Carlos' run in William's! So to me, Carlos and Alex will be essentially like Carlos and Charles where they both prefer different things which could end up being a slight issue for Williams. I'm also pretty sure that the Williams past few cars have been oversteery, which brings me to Logan!

On Logan's end, I honesty don't know what he prefers? I've watched Prema videos of him explicitly answering it as he prefers oversteer in general ( he also said he'd rather have understeer during an actual race, but turns back on that statement later saying he prefers over). I get confused though, when some people are saying that he looks like he prefers understeering now though! So, Logan's situation is a bit funky to me. In the Prema video though, Oscar basically says that Logan likes to "send the car" which to me, sounds like he would perform well in a oversteery/low downforce car? Keep in mind, that this is from F3 and around 4 years ago, so Logan's preferences could definitely have changed by now.

I honestly don't really know which teams are more low/high downforce prone, but I do know the extremes of the two which are Williams (low) and Aston Martin (high). Just in Silverstone, Aston Martin had the highest downforce configuration out of all the teams! Which is wild compared to the other lead contender's (Ferrari, McLaren, Red bull, Mercedes) who chose to go more neutral to even low downforce set ups!

Oh great! Thank you again for more information!

So, you mentioned that Carlos prefers an understeer set up, which is kind of the opposite of what Williams has right now? I agree that it's going to be interesting to see what happens if the car is still on the oversteer heavy side, like it seems to be this year. I'm not sure if it's been like this in the past, but that is really interesting to know! I think with Logan's situation it is really tricky, but I believe someone mentioned that he goes over how the car feels and the data a lot, so maybe he's slowly been finding his balance? I can't imagine that it's been very easy to do so in the Williams, but if we look at his progress this year, I feel like he's been getting there. Like I said before, if they had a better car to figure out which why they prefeed, I think it would be a good view of their skills and abilities as drivers. Alex has his set up figured out it feels like, and the good thing is that the Williams car is really suited for him, being low downforce and somewhat oversteer. if we also take into account that Max like the car oversteer, I feel like that means Alex was doing a lot better at Red Bull than people think. Again, I despise the teams, love the drivers, yk?

Also, the fact that Willaims and Aston Martin are the polar extremes makes a lot of sense! I know people joke about cars being tractors or lawnmowers, but Williams really feels like an actual tractor sometimes. And I want to say that the reason Logan has been kind of switching about is maybe he is as close as we can get to a true neutral preference when it comes to over vs. under steer? I know that F1 cars are extremely customizable, for example Michael Schumacher's configuration was nearly painful for anyone else to drive because it was so tailored. I think Logan is a bit of an odd one out in that aspect, he prefers possibly a very neutral or as close to basic set up? I believe the only difference is that maybe his set up is more left handed leaning in the car? I heard something along those lines.

Thank you for all the information, it has been very fun to learn about and extremely interesting!

[frownyalfred]

Do you have any tips on gaining more popularity/engagement/success? I'm sorry I have no idea how do phrase that question without sounding like a douchebag influencer lol, honestly I just want to connect with people. I started posting fic a couple years ago but I barely get comments or kudos or hits, so it's easy to feel as though I'm doing it all for nothing especially when I keep comparing myself to all the incredible and way more successful writers and artists in the fandom. It's becoming harder to stay motivated even as I tell myself it's just for fun and I should write for myself first and foremost. I want to make a mark, you know?

Thank you for your amazing writing and posts! Have an amazing day <3

I think that’s a tough one and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that right now. Fic popularity often depends on 1) the popularity of the fandom you’re writing in and 2) the tropes and pairings popular within that fandom at any given time. Then, in third place, we have writing quality. It’s there! It’s important. But for a large chunk of readers, it’s not always the first thing they look for.

That can be really crushing. Because authors might have brilliantly written fic that just doesn’t appeal to the current fandom as much as another pairing or trope. You’ll find yourself staring at nearby fics with thousands of kudos and ask yourself why it’s so much better than yours, when it has so many typos etc.

I have fics I’ve worked really hard on and loved that have gotten very little traction. There are fics I’ve written that got viewed at a lucky time and got tons of kudos virtually overnight. My writing quality, myself, the author — none of that really changed much between those two fics. Not enough to explain the difference.

My advice is to write what makes you happy, but to think critically about what’s popular in your fandom or circles right now. Is there something you could write that would cover both? Are there challenges or exchanges you could participate in that would get you access to popular fandom requests?

My typical advice for these kinds of asks is to keep writing, to read other fics by authors you admire, to comment and engage with content, to get your name out there during exchanges or in discord channels.

But maybe that advice is missing the bit above I’ve outlined — that sometimes, you might be writing just behind the wave of popularity, and it’s not your fault at all. It doesn’t have anything to do with your talent or writing ability. But it will impact the kudos and comments you receive.

Comparison is the thief of joy. But if popularity and success are what you want, see where your writing can overlap with marketing. And no matter what happens, don’t stop writing!

[penultimate-step]

Oshi no Ko 143 Reaction

This was a fun chapter. Ruby getting aggressive finally forcing Aqua to stop ignoring the problems in their relationship that have been simmering for 20 chaps now and actually have a conversation that puts it all out in the open. They're mostly saying stuff I predicted in advance, but some of it took me by surprise.

One bit that made me stand up and !!! was this page:

I thought I was doing something interesting when I compared Ruby's feelings towards Gorou to Aqua's feelings about Ai in my last two analyses but she just came out and said it directly on page, haha. I feel pretty validated.

I still stand behind most of what I wrote last week after this chapter. Ruby is desperately trying to make this a romance, but her best pitch is "I care about you in the same way we cared about idols in our past lives. Parasocially and without regard for the actual person, because I need to put somebody on an idealized pedestal or else I'll kill myself. This is what romance is, right?" Girl with so so so many issues, I love her.

The one thing that did really take me by surprise was the bit where she listed off Aqua's flaws as a person. In the past I assumed that Ruby was intentionally ignoring these flaws and making up a version of Aqua that didn't exist in her head. The way in her mind he's drawn like a romance hero and how she makes excuses for all the things she took issue with before lead me to believe she was intentionally distancing "Gorou, her idol" from "Aqua, the person, her brother" in her head. I'm not sure how to square this knowledge with the way she is (textually, now!) putting him on a pedestal. If I had to guess, I would think she actually is aware of who Aqua is as a person - she was friends with him as Gorou before and siblings for 18 years, she should know him better than anybody - but is intentionally separating this knowledge from the figure she is idolizing, because she needs to keep ahold of something for her mental stability.

I'm reminded of an analysis post of OnK ep 1 I read on tumblr almost a year ago, I forget who posted it so I can't properly credit it but it's not my own thoughts. (if anybody else remembers it please let me know so I can link it!) They contrasted Gorou's parasocial fan relationship with Ai to Ryosuke, the stalker who killed him: both put were fans of Ai, the Idol, but when confronted with the reality that she was more than an idol, that she had relationships and would have children, Gorou decided that the health and happiness of Ai the person was more important than his image of Ai the Idol, and did his best as a doctor to help her, while Ryosuke's reaction to having his image of the Idol shattered was to try and destroy Ai the person. The analysis put forth the idea that this was contrasting healthy vs unhealthy methods of being a fan - that there's nothing wrong with being a fan of someone, necessarily, but you have to keep in mind that you aren't entitled to anything about them, and there's always a real person underneath the performance.

I didn't fully agree with it - in my post about how the series portrays different kinds of love I talked about how it came down very harshly on dishonest and idolizing love - but I did think it was very interesting (obviously as I still remember it almost a year later). Anyway Ruby's approach to Aqua this chapter made me think of that a lot. She makes a big deal out of how Aqua is her idol, their relationship is idol/fan, and she can ignore all his flaws - but at the same time she points out that she does actually know what those flaws are. It puts her in something of a strange position. What would she do if her image of The Doctor, Her Idol, no longer existed, and she was left with just Aqua? Would she care for the person, or be mad at losing the illusion? According to this chapter she fits into neither of those, she chooses to pretend that the illusion still exists even while staring directly at the reality. Ruby seems aware that she is essentially using the idea of the doctor as a coping mechanism, but doesn't want to admit that this desire is directly in tension with the idea about caring about Aqua as a person, romantically or otherwise.

As for Aqua, it's great that he's finally being a little honest with his emotions and feelings after so long, to the one person who is really able to understand the context.

However, I think he's still holding a lot back, especially in the latter half of the chapter, because there are things he doesn't feel that he can say to Ruby, specifically about their relationship. He seems hesitant to directly tell Ruby that he can't be her lover or her idol, he can only be himself - even when he tries to tell her that he can't be the person he was she just brushes it off - and I think with how Ruby's mental health is holding on by a thread he is unwilling to do anything to jeopardize it, even if it means accepting the spot on her pedestal.

My read of the relationship between Gorou and Sarina 22 years ago was that they were genuine friends at the time. Regardless of difference in age and position they were both socially isolated people who found one person they felt they could be honest and open with. This makes their current relationship even sadder - Ruby has twisted the memory of their old friendship into dreams of romance and idolatry to fuel the desire to live one more day. Aqua, who in his last life would have been willing to do almost anything to get her to keep living, is forced to cut away his own relationship to her, both last life friend and current life brother, because being dishonest - being an idol - is the only way he can see to keep her alive and healthy. Both have already cut away most of their other bonds for the sake of the revenge plan, and now they can't even be fully honest with each other. Very tragic stuff.

All in all I really really liked this chapter. The interactions between Ruby and Aqua has always been multiple layers of relationships and mindsets existing on top of one another, and that just makes it super interesting for me. I love it whenever that leads to character tension. They've been friends and siblings and idols and all of that has to coexist, its a very unique kind of character writing that Oshi no Ko does well and I don't see very often and makes me care for the series a lot. I think I have a much more positive view of this arc than most of the fandom because the trainwreck of their relationship is one of the series highlights to me, so chapters like this, where exactly how bad their mindsets have gotten are placed as the main focus, are some of my favorite story beats.

I know there's a lot of negativity about this chap but I'm having a good time over here in my corner. Not sure if it's because I've been letting my thoughts about the series out in posts a lot more recently or because I liked this specific chapter a lot but this is definitely most I've been invested in the series for a while now. I think I was letting the Discourse kind of sour things for me and now I have mentally exorcised it from my mind.

[ambrosialdesire]

cacoëthes

[ PART ONE ] [ PART TWO ] [ PART THREE ]

18+ DARK CONTENT BELOW, MINORS + BLANK BLOGS DNI

pairing: s4 reiner x fem!reader word count: 6.7k warnings + tags: general yandere and obsessive themes, unhealthy relationships, stalking, kidnapping mention, vomit mentions (nonsexual cause), gore/violence, slight misogyny, kinda aot spoilers if you haven't watched it before, all characters are 18+ synopsis: reiner has always kept his eyes on you ever since the two of you were still trainees. he's sorry for many things that he's done in his cursed life but he was never sorry for loving you. you loved him as only a friend and perhaps family, but your relationship with the bulky blond is not everything what it seems on the surface. not to him at least. a/n: tbh i just thought of this up as i reminisced on old middle school memories recently, i was a big s1 aot fan back in the day and just got back into it bc of one of my friends. i recently got a mad crush on reiner that i didn't have before and that same friend is dealing with the brunt of it lol this might be ooc since i haven't written any aot characters in years + they have slightly different personalities from back then. if this gets enough support (likes and reblogs), the second part will be posted as soon as possible! even if it doesn't, i'm still gonna be posting it anyways part one is just like a recap of reiner and the reader's relationship, there's nothing sexual in this part until the other parts. note: please keep in mind of the tags above and do not proceed if triggering or uncomfortable, especially if you are a minor!! do not read my or any other writers' dark content if you are underaged. this is a fictional work and does not reflect irl morals, do not believe this is how a real romance works or functions.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.───

Reiner shouldn't be looking at you.

He should've stopped years ago, this could've all been prevented if he had just pulled his eyes away. Hell, he should've just kept his attention on Krista — no that's not her name now, what was it, Historia? — but he respected Ymir's wishes of betrothing her despite... everything that had happened to the girl. But he didn't and now he was in this hellish predicament.

You were born and raised in Paradis. Titans have destroyed most of humanity and the remnants of them have been living in the walls ever since; that's all you knew compared to the Marley-born warrior. He wished he could be as naïve as the devils that resided in this small island, it would be better to only know that you were the only lifeforms that lived decent lives hiding away from the Titans outside of the walls.

No, he shouldn't be calling you a devil. Fuck, he shouldn't be calling any of what-once-was his friends devils but he couldn't just erase the years of history that has been embedded into his head ever since he could comprehend language. At the same time, they have never done any evils towards him before he revealed the true identities of his group.

He loved his Paradisian friends — he wished he could say that in front of their faces without feeling so much melancholy shame and guilt — he loved serving for his country, he loved his family. But most importantly, he loves you.

It was an accidental captivation from a single hand-to-hand combat training session, where the 104th trainees were once unaware of the kind of future ahead of them. You were unfairly set against Reiner, Instructor Shadis even knew that but still made you two spar. You were shorter than him — most Paradis people were — and weaker, not just because you were a girl. He didn't notice you back then, there was nothing that the man thought at a first glance was interesting about you.

Nothing at all.

You were barely any threat despite being a devil, a lowly sheep in the den of a vicious lion.

You put your arms up in a defensive position anyways, shifting the weight on your feet. Your small fists were balled up tightly, as if you were going to actually do some damage with them. You knew that you couldn't beat him in pure strength but you readied yourself regardless, eyes glinting in determination. He held up his fists, a small yet confident smirk growing on his face. This was going to be a simple win.

"Don't go easy on me Braun."

"I have no intentions to L/N."

He remembered how quickly you dashed towards him, not fast enough that it rivals Annie's or Mikasa's speed, but fast enough for him to be caught off guard for a good second. He watched you bend down low, trying to get a low sweep on him. He had enough training back home to know how to avoid this kind of attack. Reiner jumped back, believing to have narrowly missed your foot and prepared himself to counter-attack.

But he could have never expected being tackled by the leg down, his back colliding into the dirt. All the air escaped his lungs as he felt you scramble to pin him down, a large grin plastered on your face.

"Aw Braun, I appreciate you going easy on me but really? I expected a big guy like you to try harder."

He bit back his tongue from saying anything in reply, watching you stand and dust off your uniform, still wearing that proud smirk. As he finally managed to collect his bearings, he asked you a question.

"Where'd you learn that move?"

"Leonhart." As to be expected of the Female Titan inheritor but he didn't expect her giving out sparring tips to anyone, especially Paradisians. You outstretched your hand towards him, waiting for him to take it.

"Y'know anything else from her?" He questioned, grabbing your hand as you lifted him up.

You pondered a bit, exaggerating your expression as you pretended to think about it, and finally answered him.

"Maybe, but I'll only reveal them to you if you actually put more effort into our sparring. I'm not a frail little girl y'know."

Reiner heftily laughed as you slapped his arm, walking away to resume your defensive stance. The two of you continued to spar, both of you counting down individual wins; it came down to a score of fifteen-ten, he won the whole thing but that didn't seem to falter your smile. You were simply ecstatic that he didn't supposedly pull back his punches, though he did quietly fret over the bruises that bloomed overnight on your face and arms the next day.

Bertolt noticed his staring problem immediately a few weeks after. Rather than looking at Krista per usual and daydreaming about marrying her, he was looking at you chowing down your meal next to Connie and Sasha. He whispered to him that what he's doing should cease immediately but he insisted that it would not interfere with their original mission. You were an enigma that he wanted to solve, that's all.

He swore to him that he had good intentions — that he was truly observing the kinds of enemies they were facing — but now he's not quite sure that they even stayed good to begin with.

Through his many inconspicuous observations, Reiner had found out that nothing seemed to pull that grin down on your face. Whether it be the instructors yelling out insults and commands, the rain pelting down on them during group training, or when it seemed like a rough day for every trainee, the smile you bore never faltered. It was somewhat confusing to him. How could you be so cheerful in this kind of world?

You preferred to hum during chores, the song never being the same each time he honed in from listening in on you. He gave up trying to memorize anything you hummed after the fifth one or so. He then noticed that on occasion when no one was around, you'd pick up the dandelions that grew in the small patches of grass of the camp, braiding them into small rings and wearing them until they fell apart. Reiner managed to pocket one when you accidentally dropped it, not noticing that it was gone. His good luck charm, as he liked to call it.

You liked to help others before focusing on yourself, taking on other people’s chores or taking the blame for things that weren't originally your fault. Reiner thought you were being too nice for your own good. You didn’t fit the type of person that was being used to other people’s advantages but you never seemed to mind.

You weren’t quite the evil Eldian he believed you to be, rather he considered you a fallen angel amongst the devils, led astray from the path you were presumed to take. Perhaps he can make you repent like he was trying to do back home, there was proof that you were worthy to be considered a Marleyan.

And that was the start of it, he knew he should've stopped there once he started to believe you’d be a perfect fit for Marley.

All this constant watching and being everywhere that you were at. Watching your every move and reaction. Taking things of yours that he shouldn't be taking.

Reiner was starting to believe that you were more than what you were leading on, his heart already knowing where his stance was on the subject.

Marriage didn’t seem bad, tying you down to him with a pretty golden band and children… wait, no. The two of you were still young and you were most definitely his enemy… right? But further down in the future… yeah, there's a possibility. A slim one, but one nonetheless.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

You had begun to take notice of Reiner's staring. There was always such a strange feeling of being watched and you finally had the guts to look around, seeing your old sparring partner just... there. Watching. It was always awkward whenever the two of you accidentally locked eyes, you having to be the first one that breaks contact. Reiner wasn’t a bad guy — from what you knew — but the way he just gazes at you, it gave you the creeps.

You asked Krista once if he seemed off, overhearing whispers among the other trainees of him liking her. Not that you were big on eavesdropping, you simply couldn't help it. She said that there was nothing wrong, maybe he’s just daydreaming and it just happens to be that he’s looking directly at you.

Bullshit, you had once bitterly thought. You wanted to tell him off but Bertolt managed to always drag him away before you could really confront him, so you eventually had forgotten about it.

But there was one thing that you couldn't forget when his friend pulled him away. It was the quick yet intense glare he bore when he glanced back at you. You had nothing against the guy, he may always be skittish, but you never felt like he was a bad person either.

So why did he have to look at you like that?

"Why did you decide to join?"

You jumped, almost tipping the bucket of water you had in your hands. Turning around, you squinted your eyes in the torch-lit night, slowly meeting the gaze of Reiner. Ah, so he finally decided to talk to you.

"A hello first would've been nice. Besides, why do you want to know Braun?" You questioned, placing the water-filled pail down so you wouldn't accidentally spill it on yourself or him.

"Guess you could say it's plain ol' curiosity L/N."

Pulling your lips in a thin line, you zipped it shut with your fingers and shook your head. You weren’t close to the man, hell, the only time you actually spoke to him was the sparring session. Why was he suddenly so interested in you?

“So you won’t say anything about it?” He frowned, putting one of his hands in his pants pocket.

“You have a plethora of answers from the others of what it could be. I could’ve been one of the survivors of the Colossal Titan’s attack. Maybe I’m just looking to join the Military Police for that comfortable life. Perhaps I could be a vengeful orphan just because my family attempted and failed to take back the wall. Whatever the answer could be, it’s all the same for each recruit.” You picked your bucket back up, feeling the liquid slosh around against your arms.

“Is that all you wanted to ask me because I have to take this water back to the kitchen for breakfast tomorrow.”

“No there’s something else,” He moved closer to you, a certain aura emitting as he approached closer. Reiner didn’t seem the type to hurt others without any reason. Even though you didn’t know him, you were acutely aware of his big brother-like personality with the other trainees. “If you could run away from all this, would you?”

“…What?” Confusion muddled your mind and you began to bite the inside of your cheek nervously.

“I’ll repeat it for you. If you could run away from all this, would you?” He asked again and you began to think. All you ever knew was the walls, anything outside of it was just a dangerous hellscape.

“Not really, there’s nothing out there for me. I have my friends and life is good here despite Wall Maria being currently swarmed. What am I even running from anyways Braun, the Titans? There’s just gonna be more out there anyways.” You then started walking in the direction of the dining hall, carefully making sure it wasn’t gonna spill on you.

“What if there was? Imagine an island with no Titans and life is even better there than here. No walls hiding you away from the land, just complete freedom.” You stopped, directing your head towards him. Why did he keep insisting upon the idea of this question? This was the only place in the world where humanity still thrives.

“I would still have to decline, it’ll still be no home of mine. I’d like to someday see the world without Titans but I’d probably be long gone by the time they’re all exterminated. Now goodnight Braun.” You finally walked away, feeling suddenly exhausted. Where was Bertolt when you needed him? Reiner was starting to scare you.

You left the man behind with a mess of thoughts in his head. Reiner did not agree with your mentality nor your standpoint in the matter, but that could change once he and his group bring you to Marley. Once you get there, you’ll see how life is much better than in Paradis. He brushed a quick thumb against a dried petal in his uniform pocket, the material cracking under his touch.

You have no other choice but to like Marley.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

Never in your life have you thought your whole world could tip upside down again.

In a span of a few days after graduation, Wall Rose had become the same as Wall Maria, the Colossal Titan making its horrid and grand reappearance. The Trost District was a mass gravesite, there weren't enough words to describe your devastation of the lost lives of people you had considered as family. The heavy guilt that washed over you made you believe that if you were just a little more stronger and more decisive with your attacks, you could've — no — you would've saved them.

You threw up off the rooftop, the taste of bitter bile leaving a stain in your mouth. The stench of blood and ash wafted in all directions and it felt like you couldn't get any sicker. The images of your fellow companions getting wailing for help while getting ripped apart limb from limb and eaten alive was enough to keep you dizzy and nauseous.

Your tank was irrevocably damaged and you made the quick decision to isolate yourself to the nearest building as soon as possible before it sputtered out its last remnants, your body colliding into the red tiles.

You wanted to cry. It feels just like years ago but this time, you felt even more powerless than you were when you were a child. Even though you learned the ability to fight these oversized cannibals, you never felt so goddamn weak when dealing with the real thing. What good were you if you weren't able to use your gear?

This is where I die, you had bitterly decided. You let out a light pitiful laugh and knelt down, wiping away the tears that fell. Life was a cruel thing, wasn't it? No matter what, the moment you decided to join the regime was the same day that you would be contracting your life to an early demise. No matter what, you would die.

No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.

Not far from you, earth-shaking thuds grew near and a shadow began to cover over your shaking form. Closing your eyes with a nervous grin, you began to welcome in your godforsaken fate.

If you were unable to save your friends, what more humanity?

"L/N!" God? Was that you?

A splash of warm blood drenched the skin of your face, steam fanning off. The noticeable sound of hissing affirmed that someone sliced the nape of the Titan that was ready to consume you, their boots grinding against the tiles.

"You damn idiot! What do you think you're doing sitting there?!"

You peered through teary eyes, meeting a familiar hazel pair. Your shaky smile quivered downwards, a broken cry slipping out of your mouth as you finally realized that there was someone else alive.

Reiner was surprised, you were a considerably tough person and he believed that nothing could ever break your resilience. You tried to explain yourself to him like a kid that just got in trouble, blubbering out how weak you are and how you couldn't save your squad. It's not like you can look him in the eyes now, you know how disappointed he'd look at you. The girl that was known to be all happy-go-lucky in the 104th Training Corps.

The more you thought about it, the more you ended up breaking down into a complete sobbing mess, hiccupping the words sorry over and over again as you pulled your knees into your chest. Your tears darkened the white cloth of your uniform as you wept, the blood continuing to steam off of your face.

He rested his hand on your shoulder, seeing you cry almost made him regret putting his plan in motion. However, in order for them to retrieve the Founding Titan, they have to do this. There was no other choice in the matter.

"That's enough Y/N. You did your best with what you had. No one was expecting Colossal to come back like this, the least you could do now is honor your fellow fallen soldiers. Ensure that they didn't die for nothing. Don't die like a coward and stand up."

You sniffled as you picked your head up from your knees, wiping off the snot and tears with your jacket sleeve. As much as you didn't want to get up, he was right. How could you face your deceased comrades in the afterlife if you just let yourself die now? How selfish of you to let your life be taken away so easily when they fought so hard in order to fend off the Titans from coming any closer to the escaping civilians.

"My ODM gear broke, the gas cylinder got pierced by a rock I think." You mumbled quietly, voice sore.

"I'll carry you to the others then, we made a discovery in order to get into HQ to replace our supplies. A few of us with enough gas went out to find the unaccounted. I'm glad I found you before that Titan got to you."

The real truth was that Reiner had been panicking ever since he saw that you weren't with the other groups. He was terrified with the idea that he fucked up, the plan being the cause of your death. It was his proposal to locate the missing soldiers, making it seem like he genuinely cared about his fellow recruits. He didn't know what he would've done if he found your rotting corpse, knowing that it was completely his fault.

A miscalculation. A misstep. A mistake.

He put away his blades in its sheaths and lifted you up into his arms, making sure you were secured to him as much as possible. The positioning was awkward due to your gear still being strapped onto your body but it seemed that he didn't mind. You knew already that he was a strong man but for him to just lift you up like nothing even with your gear and his combined, you wondered if he still held back when the two of you sparred. Perhaps you were a little grateful that he did, not ending up with a broken bone at the end of it.

Unbeknownst to you, the man was screaming on the inside as he carefully maneuvered through buildings and rooftops. You closed your eyes each time he made abrupt turns and jumps, pulling yourself closer to his chest. He decided that he liked holding you, there will no longer be a day where he won't have his hands on you. He finally reached the others, seeing that the Abnormal Titan was still beating down the other Titans that were getting in its way and trying to consume it.

"What is that?"

He let you down slowly, the warmth escaping him as you were hypnotized from the scene in front of you. Unlike the other Titans you've seen so far, this Titan was strangely well built and its teeth lined the outside of its mouth. Of course you knew about Abnormals but this one was odd looking and it was unheard of for Titans fighting other Titans. Then again, the walls never broke down before and the only explorers of the outside were the Survey Corps.

"Our ticket into HQ. Look how it's drawing all the attention to itself." Reiner was right yet again. As this Abnormal was punching heads off and screaming, it seemed that the Titans were more interested in it rather than the humans inside. He picked you up once more, telling you to prepare yourself and crashed through the headquarters' window, making sure that none of the glass got on you. The others were relieved that he made it back with another teammate safely, and Armin began to explain the plan to rid of the seven remaining Titans on the inside.

You were put to be one of the gunslingers in the lift, the heavy weight of the rifle causing you to shift it around in your hands. Were you able to look one of these monsters in the eye and manage to incapacitate it?

“Stay back Y/N.”

“Excuse me?” Reiner put his hand on your shoulder once more, shaking his head. Looks like that was going to be a habit now.

“You don’t have to be in the lift, we have enough people already in there.” You scoffed quietly, pushing past him to line yourself up with the others. You broke down once in front of him and now he wants to be your protector. Sure, it was nice of him to be worried about your safety but you trusted him and the others that they'll do their part of the plan without any issues.

“I've made the decision that I'm not going to be a coward Reiner,” He watched you step in and face him, giving him a small smile with a thumbs-up. “And I’m sure as hell not going down as one.”

The lift started its slow descent down and you settled in position, your finger nervously tracing around the trigger. None of you could shoot too early or too late, these guns were difficult to reload and it would lead all of you into an early grave. The heavy tension in the air could be cut with one of the blades and the group in the lift was shuffling around lightly. It would be a lie to say that none of you weren't scared, no one wants to die knowing they're going to be eaten alive.

The lift stopped, the air deathly still. Everyone clicked into position, guns pointed and drawn. Quiet, shaky breathing was the only thing that you heard besides the ground shaking stomps of the giants, their attention landing towards the group.

Someone behind you gasped in surprise as a Titan looked in his vicinity, the voice of Marco telling him to calm down and continue to wait until they were closer. Another person was shaking besides you, her hands unsteady on her weapon and her face pale. Sweat was beginning to accumulate on your forehead and it felt difficult to breathe suddenly.

You looked up with your open eye quickly, seeing Reiner up in the posts with the others. Taking in a deep breath, a burst of confidence ran through your body.

"Ready..." Your finger hovered over the trigger, a giant blue eye staring at you. One more step, just a little closer.

"Fire!" At the sound of Marco's command, you pulled the trigger and shot. The timing of the other soldiers' shots were inconsistent, the sounds of gunfire were deafening, and the smell of gunpowder wafted in the air. Either way, the Titans' eyes were incapacitated and the seven above can finish the job.

Your heart sank as two of them did not falter like the rest, watching Connie fall into the ground and Sasha look up in horror. They didn't cut deep enough and the Titans' eyes had already regenerated from the shots. It wasn't easy trying to kill them without their gear, horror sinking in as the Titans lumbered towards them. Your stomach twisted in knots as one jumped towards her as she apologetically screamed at it and Connie was helplessly backed into a pillar from the other. No one in the lift could do anything to assist them.

You fumbled with your rifle, reaching in your pocket for any more rounds. Luckily, the two most proficient fighters managed to finish them off before anyone else could react and you felt sweet relief as the lift was safely lowered down. Hopefully this would be the last and only time that you'd face a Titan that close without ODM gear. You picked up a new tank and replaced the broken one with it, beginning to stock up on your supplies.

"You alright?" Speak of the devil, here he was once again. You turned your head towards Reiner as he sat down next to you, refilling his tanks.

" 'M fine. You did good out there."

"I could say the same with you, must've been nerve-wracking seeing those things look at you that close."

"Yeah, but you had to jump down without using any of your gear while trying to hit their napes. That's way more difficult than what we did in the lift." He lightly chuckled and dismissively shrugged, saying that it was nothing but he did get nervous with Connie and Sasha. You agreed to that statement, you liked those two and they've always humored you during dinnertime. The two of you sat quietly afterwards until he started to talk again, trying to break the silence.

"Y'know you said my name earlier, not Braun but Reiner." Your cheeks flushed warm, switching the refill to your other tank.

"You did that too, back when you saved me." You attempted to lead him away from what you said, nervously biting your cheek.

"Why did you say it?" Reiner completely ignored you, insisting upon his question more.

"I could say the same to you."

"I only said your last name because you said mine like that when we first met, thought it would be even that way. So Y/N, why did you say my name?" Fuck, he had a point.

Your shoulders slumped in defeat and you sighed, pulling your lips in a line.

"I don't really know. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment or I just wanted to say your name for the first time. Just in case anything happened or something..."

Your voice trailed off to a quiet mumble, your face reddening and hot. You didn't mean for it to sound that it was insinuating something, you genuinely appreciated him saving your ass back there and getting your morale back up. It was simply a newfound gain of respect for him. Taking a peek at his expression, you saw that his mouth was slightly agape and he turned his face away from you. Was your response that surprising?!

Embarrassed, you finished refilling your tank and started strapping your gear back on. You apologized quickly, fumbling with your words and speed-walking away to get fresh blade replacements.

'Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage.' Reiner's thoughts quickly ran through his head, his own cheeks crimson even though he had a firm expression as he watched you walk away. He hoped that you would continue to say his first name, you will have to once he weds you in Marley. But he wouldn't mind if they were replaced with dear or honey, oh he would not mind at all.

Events took a turn once you got out of HQ. It was found out that the Abnormal Titan that was killing off the Titans was Eren Jaeger. Ironic that the vengeful and overtly loud mouthed guy that swore to kill all Titans turned out to be a Titan himself. Though there were many complications — and many lives taken — in trying to complete this mission that Commander Pixis set, Eren managed to seal off the hole in Trost.

Two days later, the more experienced soldiers killed off the remainders and you were set for clean-up of bodies and body parts that littered the streets. It was a heart-wrenching task seeing limbs and partially eaten corpses of both citizen and soldier, most being completely unrecognizable. They were once part of a family. They were sons, daughters, siblings, maybe even parents themselves. Wherever they are now, you hope that they're at peace.

You tugged your cloth mask up more as you looked around for more corpses, walking around until you saw Jean stand still from afar. He was looking at a body, your own eyes widening as you slowly recognized whom it was. Marco Bodt. The guy that commanded the group to shoot a few days prior; if you remembered correctly, he was one of Jean's close friends during training.

You felt sorry for him, he had just found and lost his best friend simultaneously. Not even a minute ago, he was asking around if anyone had seen him, voice desperate for a reassuring answer. This world was so cruel to the ones that didn't deserve it, all of you were just trying to live comfortable lives but it'll never be that way. You turned away from the scene and went off to find another unaccounted for.

What a shame, a damn shame.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

You chose to go into the Survey Corps rather than the Garrison, mostly because you wanted to continue to fight those terrifying beasts in order to avenge the lost lives of your friends during the Battle of Trost. It would give you some kind of peace of mind knowing that you wouldn't hide away from the fight for them. After everything settled down, you befriended Reiner once you were able to catch him alone.

He was... different when you started talking to him more, you couldn't completely tell what it was but there was a feeling you had that he wasn't quite all there. He began to space out on some occasions, coming back down and acting quite odd, as if he was an entirely different person. The invasion was pretty traumatizing for everyone involved so you couldn't blame him for any mental change in his mind. You knew that you weren't definitely the same either, half of your friends had been decimated and nearly witnessing all of them die would never settle right in your mind.

Reiner had become pretty overbearing when it came to you, believing it was because of how you acted in Trost. He started hovering a lot, becoming a burden over your shoulders. He made sure that whatever you do didn't hurt you and if it did seem like a danger, he'd immediately take over. He'd say that he's just thinking about your safety, he'll handle it for you and to not worry, he prefers to do things for others. You could believe that part, you knew Reiner was the altruistic type but it was pretty aggravating when it was a constant all the time.

And just like Bertolt, he never left your side. Sometimes you'd be forced to hang out with the two of them and you didn't really mind, you got to know Bertolt more than the nervous guy he was known to be (plus he had finally stopped glaring at you weirdly). But you could only talk to Bertolt, any other male soldier you could only share short conversations with because Reiner would drag you away from them.

You weren't his lover, you mentioned to him once in a fit, you can freely talk to anyone you want and he has no say in who you could talk to.

You never were able to see the look in his eyes when you said that to him, stomping away angrily past confused scouts. This was one of the fights you had with him, ignoring him for a while until he apologized with how he acted but it would just repeat in a more inconspicuous way. Eventually, you just let him win because nothing you said about it stuck.

He'd handle you like you were fragile glassware and you despised it, you weren't a weak person, you were a damn Survey Corps soldier just like him. You were more than capable of defending and attacking, but for some reason, he still insists and insists that he can do it for you.

There is no reason someone like you should be doing things like this, that alone made you furious. He'd only leave you alone when you were put on cleaning duty or cooking. You wondered if he was like those kinds of people when it came to women but he wasn't like that to the other girls in the Corps, just you.

And yet, despite all these annoyances of his, you still considered Reiner a comforting friend. He'd listen to your rambles of mindless things and give you advice about them, trying to understand where you're coming from. He'd mostly call you a babbling idiot though but would say something stupid in return, which you always called him out for. You'd argue back and forth with smiles on your faces.

When you felt like you were in a slump, he'd pat your shoulder and then talk until you felt better. Or if that didn't work, then he'd tell you to put them up and the two of you would jokingly fight, letting you wrestle him down until your stomach hurt from laughing and the punching. He was most certainly like a big brother, dearly reminding you of your siblings.

You even started giving Reiner your special dandelion rings, seeing him wear them around his left ring finger. Did he know the meaning of that? He had to, he was old enough and his parents must've worn rings around him. You wanted to point it out to him but you'd chicken out, scared that you were gonna insinuate something that wasn't supposed to be interpreted that way.

The two of you were only friends, that was it. That was it, until the moments that led up to the day that you found out that Reiner and Bertolt were never who they really said they were.

'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•''•.¸♡ ♡¸.•'

Annie was found to be the Female Titan that killed many of the Corps members during the 57th Expedition, you never had expected her of all people to be a Titan shifter like Eren and a traitor.

For the first time in your friendship, Reiner hugged you. You didn't expect it, thinking that he was simply afraid that you were one of the bodies left behind and was only relieved that you were alive. The height difference between the two of you was quite a bit, he had leaned down and nestled his face into your neck, arms wrapped around you tightly. He was a toasty kind of warm, similar to sitting next to a fire during the winter.

You told him that everything will be alright now that the threat has been neutralized. He mumbled that he was afraid of losing you too, your heart skipping a beat. In response, you tried to ease his mind by promising him that you would never leave his side anytime soon. There was no possibility that you were a shifter like Annie and Eren, absolutely no way.

He was quiet for a moment, finally lifted his head out of the crook of your neck, his eyes intensely staring into yours before softening up. There was a newfound determination that you could faintly see before he pulled away, thanking you for consoling him.

It was odd, like a switch went off in his head.

The final incident came after the capture of Annie, when a handful of soldiers were presumed to be one of her accomplices and put outside of Wall Rose in an abandoned mansion. You weren't a suspect but Reiner and Bertolt were, and the worry started setting in. There wasn't a doubt in mind that you had for them, you could never see them as traitors to humanity.

Reiner did his duties all the time and he was a diligent soldier, he was also a good friend to all other members. Bertolt, though cowardly and needed a push in the right direction sometimes, has always been devoted as a soldier; he did graduate behind Reiner in third place after all.

There was a sudden breach in Wall Rose despite it being completely known to be sealed on the inside. Everyone assumed that another hole had been formed in another place by the Colossal in secret, so squadrons were sent out to scour the area to locate the breach. You were concerned that the suspected group that was contained in the area at the time of the breach had been attacked, anxiety racking your mind.

You overheard some of the soldiers that came from the search mention that there was no hole, saying that whoever saw the Titans must be going crazy.

That wasn't right. The witness reports said that Titans were definitely seen in the interior, they couldn't be wrong. Titans were quite hard to miss, they were quite literally large human things. It was inexplicable but you didn't focus much on it, being told to assist the incoming citizens before searching for the contained group.

You couldn't rack your mind in how many twists and turns you've been through throughout the years, but the Survey Corps finally found the group in a torn apart abandoned castle surrounded by a few more Titans. Ymir was revealed to be another Titan shifter — was anyone else here a Titan shifter because it seemed to be never-ending — but she had seemingly no intent to hurt the others as she saved the group she was with from death.

You found out that Reiner got bit from a Titan, retrieving the injury from pushing one out of the castle through a window. You were half astounded and half terrified with the new knowledge that he was way stronger than you anticipated. You thanked Krista — now actually known as Historia — for taking care of Reiner's injury, scolding him after for putting himself in reckless danger like that.

Assisting the injured on top of Wall Rose, you sighed in exhaustion as you sat next to Ymir's sleeping form with Historia. The past few months have been hectic as ever, did the soldiers before you deal with things like this? Five years ago and beyond that, there were no such thing as shifters or breaches in the walls. It would simply be incomprehensible back then that such a thing would’ve existed.

You turned your head in the direction of Reiner and Bertolt who were occupied with speaking to Eren. You weren't able to hear what they were saying until Reiner started to raise his voice, scrunching your eyebrows together.

Something was off. He was rambling, looking like he had completely lost it. Bertolt looked horrified, Eren was nervously laughing. Reiner... what was he talking about?

Mikasa suddenly slashed at the two, cutting Reiner's hand off and slitting Bertolt's neck. You almost screamed in shock, shooting up onto your feet until steam came off of them, an all too familiar occurrence that only happened to… Titans.

Sudden bright flashes of lights blinded you and lit up the wall with a threatening intensity, hot steam nearly blew you off your feet before you quickly latched yourself onto the wall with your gear. To your horror, the Colossal and Armored Titan formed right in front of your eyes and everything you had once known about them shattered to bits.

Reiner had grabbed ahold of Eren as he fell off the wall and Bertolt's monstrous half remained on top, hand reaching towards Ymir. The shock of seeing the monster that destroyed your home years ago was really your friend in disguise caused you to freeze up the second he grabbed her.

You thought you could trust them, you had high hopes that they weren't bad people like how the higher-ups thought they were. They were liars, they lied to everyone and they broke your trust, more so yours with Reiner. He was terrible, truly terrible.

You snapped back to reality as his gigantic hand wrapped around you — the still-passed out girl in his other fist — a scream ripping out of your throat. You struggled and banged your fists against the burning hot flesh of his hand, beginning to beg for Bertolt to not consume you. It fell on deaf ears as he opened his mouth, your eyes wide with horror.

The last thought you had as you and Ymir were dropped in was that you'd never forgive them for this, you'll never forget what they have done.

[bajis-wife]

Retro wave

Synopsis: Every individual has something that they are missing or lacking in their lives, whether it be a person, a purpose, or something else entirely.

Will they be able to fill those gaps and find satisfaction or a purpose, or will they be left perpetually incomplete?

And what better way to describe this journey and character development than in a fan fiction? Where they embrace life to its fullest, make mistakes and grow while hiding their true flawed tint, that lost it's meaning long ago.

Will she finally achieve her childhood dream of becoming an artist? Using their smudged and sketchy colors to paint on the canvas of her life, or will she settle for more sophisticated one's?

Will the painting in the end be enough to engrave the memories passed together?

Warnings: Swearing, explicit profanities, illegal doings, VERY LONG.

Notes: This is the full version of my story on wattpad ‘Retro wave’ until now there are only five chapters if we count the prologue too, I only want to get some feedback and attention for all the work i put in it and for the readers to enjoy it as this isn’t your usual insert self story.

The background of the character is already decided and specific although the appearance is not, so you can perfectly put yourself in it without reading Y/N or anything annoying like that.

New topic, tattoos.

Often seen by those stiff elders with a closed mindset as something bad, permanent and idiotic.

How about I give you my perspective of it?

Tattoos aren't just stupid impulsive mistakes that last forever, they are one of the best ways someone can ever express themselves with; Words are useless to describe someone compared to the feeling of your fresh virgin skin being inked, making whatever part of your body a masterpiece. Flamboyantly taking away the virginity of your flesh.

Am I romanticizing it too much? Probably, but honestly who cares when you're being paid to do what you love?

After my last customer headed out, I took a deep breath and walked into the foyer of the shop which I personally customized, from the soft lighting to the comfortable furniture.

As I sat on the couch, spreading my limbs to then relax them, breathing in and out slowly, closing my eyes, focusing on the deep dark of my mind as existential thoughts started to flow into my brain.

Out of all I focused on one only.

Am I even making a difference?

This day surely has worn me out as it brought me to thinking about something so distant when I'm still young and beautiful.

Why bother thinking about legacy? I'm here now making most of the present moment, my future isn't written yet so screw legacy. I'll deal with that later after I've had my fill of fun and adventure, so don't talk to me about it.

I'm too busy living the dream, your dream.

It's reassuring to know that in my chaotic existence I'm not living under a bridge and have a place to call home.

But even chaos is born from something or someone; And I was born from my immigrant parents in Italy, just to be sent to my home country.

What a way to start life huh?

Only a couple months old and my parents already had enough of me, sending me to my grandparents with the excuse of learning their and now apparently my mother tongue.

Jokes aside, they loved me from the bottom of their hearts.

Four years later I came back to finish the remaining two of kindergarten and finally start primary school.

But oh boy, from there my life has been a downhill roller coaster of emotions. As childhood optimism had brain washed my mind into thinking it was going to be a wonderful experience.

Not realizing that from the very first day of school I was thrown into the cage of lions.

For the first, second and third year they weren't nothing but buzzing noises in the background, as I felt drained from being in that class.

As now I was in fourth grade, and already tired of everyone there but him.

Now you might wonder who this kind soul is?

Simple, my first love.

Brown wavy locks that gently swayed every time he tilted his head, capturing my gaze with those dark brown eyes.

With that little beauty mark under his right eye, that everytime he offered me one of his sweet smiles would make my heart melt.

But the thought of seeing him every day made me push through all of that.

I could relate to thinking it was simply him and I against the world. But there's more to the story. Love is blind, as they say, and we sometimes need time to accept it, one way or another.

Certainly being served the fact that he likes another girl in our class, wasn't the best.

I felt as if the world crashed onto me.

But maybe the other girl didn't feel the same? Maybe all of this was one sided love like most of the time between kids, I could just go and ask her if she feels the same.

Simple as that.

I was relieved to find out she didn't feel the same, my burdens lightened; Not realizing that by doing this little thing to relieve myself I broke his trust.

Making him the new target of mockery in our class, as that girl couldn't keep her mouth shut.

The classroom isolated me too, labeling me as the snitch, well deserved I guess?

But what hurt me the most was him slowly distancing himself from me, it was a gradual process. Yet the most painful for me, and heartbreaking for my parents to watch their daughter suffer from it.

After finishing my fourth year, I was transferred to a different school, one where I was welcomed with open arms. Spending my last year of elementary school there, forming good friendships as I grew more confident with each day.

I learnt the fine art of blending in while also standing out in society. Once I completed my fifth year in elementary school, I started my middle school journey, confidently prepared for whatever came my way.

However, fate had other plans.

I ended up being way too overconfident, and it bit me in the butt.

The universe had a way of humbling me and remembering me nothing lasts forever, each and every time you start from zero with the help of your past experiences.

So now you ask me how would I describe those three years of middle school?

Hell.

This time I was fortunate enough to have a loyal friend who was alongside me, Anastassia.

Together we helped each other and formed a lasting bond that would only become stronger as time went on.

She was one of those friends that even you meet again after a long time, I'm talking about months and years. It felt like time stood still with her.

Anastassia made the time fly by before you knew it, and with her by my side, I felt a timeless sense of comfort and peace. Whether we spoke of distant memories or made new ones together, it was as if we had never been apart.

After we finished middle school we had to part ways, she chose to focus on studying languages while I wanted to study art.

High school offered a much-needed fresh breath of air. There people seemed too occupied with their own personal struggles to bother with my actions, which brought back my laid back confidence that mixed with the release of dopamine.

I no longer felt restricted by the confines of social expectations or the constant judgment of others, instead focused on exploring who I was, and what I wanted from life in a less constrained and more meaningful way.

In less words I stopped caring about what others thought.

This newfound sense of freedom allowed me to truly come into my own, and shaped me into who I am today.

From studying there I also got to meet two wonderful girls that today moved and live with me in San Francisco.

First I came across Lara whose light brown shoulder length locks were highlighted with buttery blond highlights. Her eyes were surrounded by thin metal square frames, which perfectly empathized their beautiful vivid hue of maroon.

Lara's aura was like a magnet for those around her, drawing people like moths to a flame. Drawing the attention of boys who lusted for her and girls who envied her, leading to gossip and telling vicious rumors about her. Yet these attempts of destruction failed, as she continued to radiate joy and positivity.

Truly looking up to her for it, wondering what her secret was.

And so, the truth was unveiled.

One day, I found her smoking cigarettes in the school bathrooms, and the habit gradually became something I expected to find her doing from then on.

I had no intention of dictating her choices.

However, I still held hope that she would make a conscious effort to stop the unhealthy coping mechanism of smoking.

But despite her habit remaining the same until this day, many things about Lara have changed over the years.

Her hair for example, her once buttery blonde locks now styled in a choppy cut, with a side-fringe and even a bold red dye job to top it off.

These changes have altered her previously bubbly image, giving her a more mature and confident flair, though it's hard to say if that is simply the result of growing up.

Her charming and bubbly personality remains as captivating as ever, and she has not lost any of the charms and magnetic personality that constantly goes in contrast with Lia's one.

The living room everyday was an area of contention, Lara's smoking habit often irritated Lia through the smell that easily flowed through the apartment, as the confined space made it difficult to avoid breathing the smoke.

Arguments between them would always end in Lara sulking in the corner, while Lia walked away fuming from anger.

I don’t blame for her intolerance towards smoking.

She was an open-minded person, but when it came to smoking, she had zero tolerance. So, it's only natural that she would be upset whenever she caught Lara smoking inside.

Anger issues weren't the only trait that characterized her.

No, not at all.

As those curls of hers kept her craziness in check, but it somewhat from time to time it managed to escape from those lips of hers, making her say the most mean and absurd statements sound true and convincing.

If her lips were mean, then her eyes shall be the sweet ones. Green and hazel hues coloured those irises, as they held such beautiful mystery and charm.

And yet they also held a glimpse of her fiery anger and held up frustration, which sometimes exploded out, turning her captivating eyes into fireflies that burned through my soul.

A mix of raw emotion and magnetic influence made her memorable and endearing, as her presence was one that was hard to forget.

Lia truly was a girl of many colors and contradictions.

Although the two women have brought their fair share of excitement and adventure into my life, there's always room for more.

If the gods offer more and more delicious fruits on the branches of life, it would be a shame not to indulge in a little more of what makes it sweet and delicious, wouldn't it?

After all, life is made interesting by new experiences and challenges we encounter, and who are we to deny more enjoyment?

Not knowing I've jinxed for good my future, for thinking like that.

As the sound of the phone alerted me about a new message.

Unfortunately not notifying me about the consequences it will bring to my unsure future.

The number was unknown, but as I read the message and realized it was from Lara, I let out a sigh as I shook my head.

I was used to her borrowing other people's phones to send me messages or call me when her iPhone died, but I still felt a slight sense of annoyance.

Constantly reminding her to change it into maybe one of some other brand, whose battery didn't die immediately after being charged.

Fuck the aesthetic. Even an eighty year old could last longer in bed than those phone batteries.

With a groan, I rose to my feet, taking the keys of the shop out of my pocket as I slid one sleeve than the other of my cardigan.

I held onto my phone in one hand while the shop keys were in the other, as I exited the door.

After the store was properly locked up, I set my sights on the parking lot where I had left my 2006 BMW M3. Talking about it, it was probably the best deal I had scored in my entire life.

Quickening my pace while searching for my keys as I neared the parking lot, making my way over to the red sports car that stood out among the other vehicles, looking like a beast ready to devour the roads with its raw power and beauty.

After finding them, I unlocked the car and sat in the driver's seat, ready to drive away.

Starting the engine as now the powerful roars could be heard, feeling the humid air come in through the slightly open window, breathing the fresh yet familiar scent of the night.

With everything set, I put the car in drive and started making my way to the exit of the parking lot.

Speeding through the freeway, with wind coming through the window making the end strands of my hair fly back as adrenaline pumped into my veins.

But it soon came to an abrupt halt as I found myself stopped at a red light.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, traffic rules were sure pesky; Still I had to follow them, while I waited for the annoying red light to become green.

As the smooth, soothing tunes of "House of balloons" by the Weekend filled my car, my mind was at ease and my soul at peace.

Enjoying myself before the storm, commonly known as Lara, could enter my car.

Talking about the devil, there she was on the other side of the road talking with someone.

A man to be precise.

They still continued conversating, as I focused on the new individual.

His shaggy butter blonde strands swept to the side and his imposing lion tattoo were hard to miss, as they commanded attention.

Shifting my gaze at the now green light, I stepped on the gas pedal and proceeded toward the roundabout, making a sharp turn as I went back to them.

Parking my car just a few feet away from them as I yawned, hitting the horn two times to let her know I was there.

With a jolt, Lara turned to my direction to then say something to her companion earning a chuckle from him, while she motioned for me to come over.

Weird, she usually doesn't involve me with her flyings—What was she trying to pull here?

Frustrated from the long day of work I just compiled with her request, exiting my car and shutting the door behind me as I approached her and the man.

I looked at them to notice the blonde's stare was on me, probably he wanted me to burn holes into my skull for interrupting his moment with Lara.

At least that's what I believed until I was in front of them as he offered me a supposed charming smile.

"Nice to finally bump into the talk of the town." He made a little dramatic pause to then add.

"The name's Madarame Shion, but you can call me sir, if you're into that kind of thing." A devilish grin spread across his face as he introduced himself, his voice dripping with sarcasm and bravado.

You only needed to hear that, to know that he was the type of man who looks better with his mouth shut.

Eyeing Lara as she looked confused about Shion's introduction, considering her words before putting on one of her best smiles and finally breaking the awkward silence, "He is just a little full of himself today, don't mind him."

Wrapping her arm around his as she tried to justify him.

"I wouldn't call it being full of myself, more like pointing out the different possibilities my little minx." He remarked with a toothy grin, only a few inches separating his face from hers.

There was clearly something between them, but no way I was letting that guy try to woo her in some way.

"Right, a little minx huh?" I interjected with a sneer as it was now time to put this guy into his place.

And I surely didn't mind doing that.

"Well, if you're going to be throwing around names, then I suppose I can call you a douche." Locking eyes with him while my lips rose into a mocking smile.

Shion seemed more amused than annoyed by my response, as if he enjoyed this back-and-forth insult exchange.

Licking his teeth to then speak "If she is my little minx... Then you shall be my little vixen." This time leaning closer to me as he was trying to control the situation, perfectly knowing how to get under someone's skin.

It was futile trying to beat him this way, as it seemingly was his best field.

This would have taken time to bring him down from that supposed throne he believes he is on, and embarrass him when he is with Lara so she would leave him, but right now i didn't have the time nor the patience to do so.

So I did what I should have done from the start.

"It's late we should get home Lara," Motioning for her to come as I gave one last glance at Shion before saying "It was shit meeting you, hopefully I won't see that ugly face anymore."

Opening the door of my car as I waited for Lara that was still hesitant to leave.

"Why can't we stay out a bit longer? I mean, it's Friday night and we don't have anything to do tomorrow..." She said trying to convince me as her voice was dripping with disappointment at the idea of returning home so early.

Still I gave her one last look as an ultimatum, and she didn't do anything but walk in my direction complying to my order, sighing like a little kid since she was in no place to argue when I was the one driving.

The only one still calm was Shion watching us intently with a smug smile on his face as he added "Oh yeah? You're pretty annoying yourself,"

Both of us were already in the car as it didn't take much before we exited the momentary spot where I parked it.

"But that's what makes you endearing. Sweetheart" He concluded talking to himself.

Leaving him there, as the speedometer raised and lowered its pointer.

The car ride was silent until I stopped at a red light taking the opportunity to look at her, so maybe she will fill in the blanks and explain what the hell I needed to interact with him.

To which she just responded with, "Do I have something on my face?" Saying this as she moved the rearview mirror towards herself to check.

I was now looking at her like she just killed my family.

"How many times have I told you that the rearview mirror isn't to check yourself out!" Examining exasperated as I tried to fix the mess she just caused, only for her to start fiddling with the car radio as she browsed through the different channels.

Finally settling down for one to then look at me as she leaned into her seat, "So what do you think about Shion?"

To which I answered.

"I'm thinking about how much weed you've smoked to even see something in him," sighing to then add.

"Lara I'm seriously thinking you have a talent to find self centered assholes."

This story continues with a man whose ambitions drove him to obsession.

Kisaki Tetta, a man who both instills fear in others and arouses hatred. Not just any ordinary criminal, but rather, one of the men who rules the darker depths of the criminal underworld of Japan, pulling the strings behind the scenes and manipulating those below him to his will.

All in order to find peace and escape his weak past self, who failed to stand-up to the cruelties of this unjust world. By any means necessary, he sought to reach the position that he currently holds.

No one could oppose him, not even her.

Tachibana Hinata, his sweetheart. The girl in which words and praises he found shelter, words that even his own mother didn't say to him if there wasn't any perfect test score that accompanied his request of appreciation.

Her kind and straight forward personality truly caught him in its embrace. Making his past self desire more kind from the young girl. She was truly his first love, or at least in his eyes she will forever be.

She had saved him mentally, and yet he was unable to save her physically that fateful afternoon when they first met their hero.

Hanagaki Takemichi, a walking wannabe defender of justice. Mock him how much you want for being beat up after making his entrance, still he was able to offer her comfort and protection when she needed it.

He truly admired his bravery and was thankful to him for saving his muse, if taking the hit instead of her was considered saving.

Then so be it!

Next time he will be the one protecting Hina.

But there wasn't a next time and there never will be. Hina didn't get into trouble, and after that day her parents enrolled her in some self defense classes.

Yet their life's took different paths after they graduated elementary school, forced to part ways by the wishes of their parents.

Still managing from time to time to cross paths when going to buy groceries, it was fascinating to think about their friendship, going from being close friends at school to distant acquaintances outside of it.

He adored those moments he got to spend with her, her voice was so smooth to get him to space out sometimes

—Life was still good for him.

Or so he thought, till the start of the second year of middle school. Hina started to space out multiple times while they talked, which was very unusual for her.

This left the young man feeling confused as he tried to make sense of her behaviour. It was like she was physically there but her head was elsewhere.

In conclusion there was something else going on beneath the surface that Kisaki was unaware of; Still it wasn't that big of a mystery as she later confessed that she and Takemichi go to the same middle school.

Until here it was all fun and games.

Fool, he shouted victory too early and as a result he was taken back to discover she had been harboring feelings for the boy since their first encounter.

Otherwise from Kisaki, Hinata was and never will be a bystander especially when she was in love, more than ready to battle for Takemichi's one.

And weeks later in a spring evening, he was welcomed not only by allergies but also with the news of her being in a romantic relationship.

With none other than the crybaby hero himself.

He should have understood it by now, nothing good in this world comes for free and lasts forever.

He could cherish them from afar and trust them to not do anything stupid, but if he didn't take matters into his own hands; He would be just a passing phase for the lives of the two lovers.

His mind was a mess as many of his beliefs became doubts, but about one thing he was certain. He wanted her, the thing he lacked for that made him fall in love with her.

What his beloved considered pure platonic friendship for him became a full time obsession, not essentially on her but also on her so-called boyfriend.

Takemichi, the admiration he had in his regards

didn't take much time to turn into resentment and disgust.

Beginning to despise everything about him; Starting from that new bleach job that he got done, making him look even more of a bigger prick than he already was.

Ruining Hina's image with his choice of joining the delinquent world like many of their peers.

Sure he remained the same brave idiot he knew, still he became nothing more than a trouble maker to the public eye.

Always wondering why girls often romanticized being in love with delinquents, fantasizing any possible love story with them.

Couldn't they be happy with a regular guy?

How could troublesome and dumb clowns like them be attractive to girls?

Maybe it was their appearance? The charisma that some of them had?

No, it became crystal clear now. It was the seek of thrill in their life.

To have someone who will protect them, go on late motorcycle rides, boys who aren't afraid of judgements.

He was just a gifted boy with an average and easy life. Waiting for his happiness.

He had nothing to offer to no-one, destiny couldn't do anything with his useless life.

This was a big mistake he had made; Waiting for people to walk right into his life, and then expect them to stay. Only one person did, Hina.

But even she could walk away like she walked in. He couldn't afford losing her.

And there he is thirteen years later. Still hasn't lost hope on having a relationship with her.

Looking through the car window, gazing upon some carefree birds flying in the afternoon sky;

The sun gave its last rays for the day, as the chilly air hit his face hinting the approaching of fall season.

How he wished to spend a peaceful evening like this with a cup of tea in his hand, enjoying the warmth of the sun while he still had the chance.

Instead he was in a car driving him to attend a meeting regarding the incompetence of his subordinate.

His appearance was absolutely flawless, with silken vanilla blond hair pulled back by a touch of old and practical gel as light danced across his blue scrutiny eyes which gazed at the horizon through the glasses he wore.

His outfit was a sharp beige suit, perfectly complemented by a tie that matched the hue of his eyes like no other combination could.

Finally entering the gates of the unique complex of coloured buildings. Tinted glass hiding the different illegal doings inside of them, prostitution being the main of course.

After all these were the Haitani headquarters.

Waiting for him in front of the main building was Hanma Shuji, his infamous right-hand man, a crazy bastard ready to do anything for some thrill and action.

His tall, lanky figure made it easy to distinguish him from the sea of people entering and exiting the structure.

Those golden irises bore sharp and fiery glares which were contoured by the lens of the glasses covering the man's eyes.

His gaze was lazy and casual as he searched for something to pique his interest, constantly moving from place to place and person to person.

Just when he spotted a familiar car pulling up, the bland expression was quickly replaced by his trademark mocking grin.

In just a split second he was standing at the curb, ready to open the door for Kisaki.

Without a moment to spare ready to greet him and show his efficiency and promptness.

Jokes on you, he just wanted to taunt him even this early in the morning by making various snarky comments.

After opening the car door, their usual dynamic began to play out.

"Kisaki! I see that you're perfectly on time and busy as ever…Wonder if you ever take a break?" Breaking the ice with a bit of light-hearted teasing, to then afterwards ask.

"What would the occasion be, if I may ask?" His boss didn't even give him a glance as he started to walk towards the entrance.

Hanma couldn't do anything but follow right behind him, this was a classic behavior Kisaki had in his regards, how could he blame him though?

He knew he was annoying and used that to his advantage, but these games weren't so effective on his superior.

Walking straight ahead to the elevator, it seemed like Kisaki was cutting in half the lobby. Which was teeming with low-ranking scantily dressed prostitutes.

To which his subordinate being the gentleman he was let his eyes wander around, like he hasn't seen this already multiple times.

Shamelessly observing his surroundings, and all of them had a good package, just saying.

And when he got to the elevator there was his boss waiting for him, spitting the most vile and hurtful words to him and his dick.

But honestly he couldn't care less of what the shorter male said, if he was alright with anything that brought him to feel the thrill.

And to top that off, what would be more satisfying than seeing the one that offered him that fall apart? As his childhood dreams shatter.

Silence filled the elevator ride, until unexpectedly the shorter one broke it.

"Has Shion updated you on his progress? Because from what I've been told, he's been wasting time smoking weed and drinking,"

'Annoyed' wasn't quite the right word to describe his attitude. Instead, he was getting fed up quickly with Shion's bullshit, I mean who wouldn't?

Despite the length of time that they'd worked together, Hanma didn't grow weary of his boss' behavior, enjoying the show whenever he could; Like it was just an ordinary day in the office for him.

Prior to dismissing the subject as unimportant, "It's not my problem that you chose someone so incompetent for such an important task."

Earning a sharp glare from his superior to then backfire.

"Oh really? Wonder who advised me to send him for it, you know what? You're right; It's my fault for listening to some worthless bastard like you."

Hanma raised his hands and casually replied, "What can I say? Guilty as charged." Accepting his guilt as a sign of amusement and carelessness, dismissing his boss concerns completely.

"Wow we got a comedian over here?" His companion said with a sarcastic tone. "You certainly seem to be enjoying this, don't you?"

He surely was.

"If you're enjoying this so much, how about you go fix his mess?" Kisaki snapped back with a sarcastic tone followed by a challenging statement, saying, "Surely you won't mind, since you find this so amusing."

By sarcastically stating that Hanma wouldn't mind, he implied that fixing the situation was his responsibility in the first place.

"Oh please, who got your panties in a twist? Why the hell should I be included in this? It's his fault man."

He very well knows how much of a selfish and reluctant individual Hanma Shuji is; loves to laugh about someone else's mistakes, but dream on to actually seeing him helping them.

"It's not for you to choose to do so, Reaper. It's an order." With these words, his superior made it clear that this was not a request but a demand that as his subordinate had to follow.

And of course his tongue-in-cheek nature had to butt in along with his nonchalant attitude, nodding his head in a gesture of mock obedience saying, "Then I shall comply with your request, my sir."

But he very well knew his and Shion's life's were at risk, which honestly added more thrill to the thing.

Then a ding concluded his last thought, indicating that they reached the top floor, letting his boss exit first to then follow right behind.

Two male figures were walking into the halls of the police station, one proceeding with his fast peace while the other tailing right behind him, trying to lose the distance between them attempting to reason with his companion on a matter this last one didn't understand.

Or let's rather say he didn't want to understand...

"Kazutora, can you be reasonable for one time? You can't decide to do things on your own, especially now that you're in an organization!" There he goes being ignored by his friend, again.

Chifuyu was concerned about Kazutora's behavior, as the latter was consumed by guilt and self-blame due to Mikey's disappearance.

It turned into casual sex in a futile attempt to escape his own guilt and the memory that haunted him.

"Let me put it in a language you can comprehend. I'm exhausted at having to deal with so much paranoia every day," With a slight turn and a sharp exhalation, he faced Chifuyu, his eyes tired as he continued.

"If we continue like this, someday that picture on that board may turn out to be our single and final memory of Mikey!" For once, he truly did understand him, lacking the desire to blame him instead he wanted to free him, just like he did when he saved him from the grip of an abusive father.

It was explicit that his friend blamed himself for Mikey's crimes, and Chifuyu couldn't reason with his stubborn ass.

"Have a nice day Matsuno." With this last statement he made his way to the stairs.

He only hoped he wouldn't do anything too reckless like he did in the past...

But he clearly underestimated his companion.

In a certain way, he was able to relate to Kazutora, as the latter was similar to his younger self of thirteen years ago.

However if he in his teenage years failed to accomplish a much simpler rescue plan, statistically talking it's not like his friend had a much bigger chance of succeeding, if not lower.

Arriving at a point where he wondered if he should drag Baji's corpse out of the grave, revive him with some kind of ritual, so he could knock some sense into Kazutora's head, first with punches and then words as he usually did back in the day.

Seriously speaking though.

The concept of a gang originated from the ambitions of Mikey but especially Baji during their childhood; As the last one idolized Shinichiro, the older brother of the first one.

Also best known as the commander of the first generation of the Black Dragon, the most powerful biker gang in Tokyo back in the 90's.

The duo harbored the desire to follow the footsteps of their idol, wishing to create a gang of their own and live out their youthful fantasies.

So when the right time came, with the help of those who would eventually be known as the core members of its creation, namely Sano Maniiro, Riyuguji Ken, Baji Keisuke, Mitsuya Takashi, Hayashida Haruki and Hanemiya Kazutora, they officially gave life to Toman.

Even if the latter ended up in juvenile detention, it didn't stop the enlargement of it.

As the gang was more than just a part time thing, as it had a cherished place in the hearts of the captains and their vices.

And three years later it was living fully its era of gold, being recognized as one of the most powerful biker gangs of Tokyo.

But with the fall and loss of Baji, one of its linchpins, it became more and more fragile as time passed, somewhat still managing to have their influence over the city.

Thanks to some scum of members doing dirty work to archive it.

One thing was known for sure by the members, if Mikey was in command with Draken alongside him everything would have gone just fine.

Not knowing that the commander lost both of his parents at the age of three, being raised by his older brother Shinichiro and grandfather Mansaku who taught him the ways of karate, from which he made a name for himself in the streets.

The Sano siblings were just like a group of bowling pins, put in line one after the other connected by bad luck.

Another individual who had a lack of luck was Kurokawa Izana, their non-blood-related relative, fruit of the love of a Filipino woman and man.

Unfortunately, after her companion died, she found herself looking after the young boy on her own. Until she crossed paths with Masaru Sano, father of Shinichiro and Manjiro.

They became lovers and were together for a brief period until she passed away as well.

But he wasn't so heartless to not take the young boy with him, taking him under his wing as he went to live with his new flame, Karen.

And at that moment, they also had an infant daughter, Emma. Who he left behind as he also made his departure to the underworld.

Not even after she just turned three, her father's last paramour abandoned her in front of the Sano household, as she took her leave, and never returned back.

While she was introduced to her half brothers, her previous one wasn't doing very well.

Unlike her he was dropped at an orphanage, left to himself.

But despite the hardships, there was still hope for Izana as Shinichiro sought after him tirelessly.

After his grandfather had a talk with him, and nominated the young boy that lived together with Emma and Karen before they all parted ways. He was determined to locate him, to hopefully make him become a new member of the family.

And he does find him, instaurating an amazing sibling bond between him and the soon to be Sano.

Making him believe in that fairy tail, where everyone gets their happy endings but the villain.

Over time Shinichiro begins to talk about Emma and Manjiro too, giving him updates and telling him their adventures hoping to fuel the curiosity and excitement of the younger boy, but no success.

One thing he did fuel though, the young albino haired boy's jealousy in the regards of Mikey.

Believing the boy was trying to separate him from Shinichiro, he refused to let another loved one get snatched away from him, as he viewed the older sano sibling as a father-like figure in his life.

Taking a firm stance against the notion of letting the boy take the only thing remaining that could fill the void that the loss of his parents had created in his life.

But either way he had to be taken away from this world to early repent for his sins.

And just like this the bowling ball had hit one of the side pins that would later take two more down with it.

Starting the countdown for the lives of the other two Sano and our one and only Kurokawa.

Second to fall was Emma, Izana following right behind her leaving Mikey now all alone.

Waiting for the ball to eventually hit him.

So yeah he became a somewhat untraceable suicidal crime boss, in flip flops.

Ok he sounds too silly if we describe him that way, but he is Mikey so being silly is —Correction was his nature.

And what better way was there for the search to continue other than staging a reunion with the past division captains of Toman?

Reviving the organization, as now it slides sides and cooperates with the law to extend the reach of effectiveness in the search.

Working together while risking our lives for a better cause, which was stopping Manjiro and making him exit from that corrupted mentality so his name won't be stained by different numerous crimes.

That was our main goal, while the police wanted Bonten to fall apart, trying to capture most of its executives and associates, slamming them into jail and leaving them to rot there.

Lunch break; And those four motherfuckers were still in the office discussing business, well actually, only two of them were seriously discussing business while the other pair had discarded their jackets, loosened up their ties and opened the first buttons of their white shirts as they were busy hugging and laughing, just being the regular obnoxious drunk duo.

Remembering embarrassing past experiences, until the alcohol would no longer make them feel it's stung on their throat.

"Do you remember that intoxicated exotic dancer who wanted to provide you with a lap dance, but accidentally slapped you with her tits in your face?" The older Haitani inquired and then added, "I have never laughed so much in my entire life, I tell you!"

This was one of the many amusing escapades that they lived through together whilst being part of the Tenjiku and later the Kantou Manji Gang.

Chuckling his pal added.

"She was worse than a bitch in heat, the impact that came with it, and the weed effect nearly sent me to the depths of Hades, no cap!" This statement earning a snort from Kisaki,

while Rindou had become accustomed to dealing with drunk imbeciles.

So this was very common for him to not say usual in his daily life.

"If you ever require a prostitute's services for your trip into the so-called land of freedom, you know who to contact. I have a few fresh faces this week, and who knows maybe they can help you enjoy it to the fullest!" Ran's face broke into a smug and happy grin, as he offered his ex comrade the opportunity to indulge in some pleasure even out of the state.

However, the younger Haitani was clearly unamused by this show of generosity. He may not have shown it explicitly, but his mind was filled to the brim with irritation.

"Hold your horses, until we don't receive the order or further instructions we can't start any new negotiations with third parties, so refrain your fantasies together for another time." Collecting his papers and putting them into a folder.

Kisaki got up after he finished his paperwork, as his presence wasn't needed anymore.

"If you excuse me gentleman. I have some other important matters to attend to, so now I'll take my leave."

Matters my ass, he just wanted to leave as soon as the meeting was over, since the next few days will be brimming with work-related responsibilities and meetings; So he needed as much rest as he could get.

He might have the brain of a genius, but a brain doesn't work if it's not taken care of.

Rindou was about to tell him to get his dog with him, but it was already too late as the other business man was already out of the door.

Leaving him with not one, but two annoying drunken pricks.

He hated his job, at first it was fun until there wasn't any thrill in his life as everything was now routine.

He very well knew that once you get in Bonten, you can't leave.

Not alive at least.

Exactly, in exchange of what they always wanted as teens, they had to give their freedom and loyalty in return. But they didn't have any other choice.

Or let's say he didn't have any voice in chapter...

Two best friends, on the balcony; Violating the now deep black color of the sky with white and gray free spirited hazes.

The smoke danced along that void which gave the buildings a defined shape, floating lazily into the darkness of it, disappearing into the night sky just as soon, almost seeming like it was absorbed by it.

While I absorbed Lara's blabbering about Shion, as nicotine gave me the patience I needed for it.

"And when our eyes locked into a curious dance, I wondered; Who could he be? What has he seen in his life to make him pick my eye?" She concluded by taking another hit from the cigarette.

"It's a waste of effort, Lara. Just by viewing him one can tell he is more of a rake than a real-life criminal or thug, whatever he claimed himself to be,"

"You should really raise your standards, for your own good." I sighed out, flicking the back of my cigarette as the ash dropped down the railing into the street.

"Is that so? Funny coming from a woman who sent nudes to her lover before they even hit their third month, I doubt you're in a position to speak about such matters of morality." She retorted, rolling her eyes dismissively.

"Really? You're picking something that happened almost a decade ago so you could counter what I have just stated?" I replied, as the tone of my voice was disappointed while my face displayed an irritated grimace.

"Il lupo cambia il pelo ma non il vizio." She shrugged, looking to the side.

"Can you please listen to me, and stop behaving as if you own the world while I'm trying to advise you?" I was now furious, dropping my cigarette on the balcony tiles, firmly stomping on it and kicking the butt out of the railing.

"This individual is not good for you, I am trying to help you not get another heartbreak, like the one you had in junior year; With a guy who by the way was seven years older than you!" Rubbing my temples while I spoke in an attempt to soothe the headache that I was starting to feel, as I added.

"You want me to remember my mistakes from the past? Fine by me, have it your way, but don't think I won't reciprocate since you're no saint either." I concluded as now I was fully annoyed, while my eyes betrayed the fury I felt towards her shitty remarks.

"You always get your way! It's honestly so annoying how you establish your argument as definitive truth, and nothing can prove them wrong in any circumstance," Lara stated, unable to suppress emotions as her voice rose to match mine, expressing the pent up frustration and the feeling inferior to me even if she was older.

"I know I'm stupid and keep making the same mistake over and over again," She declared, as if she had nothing to lose by making me see her vulnerable side.

"But it's too late as now I'm addicted to that type of person, despite the fact that they will fuck me up." As she continued to vent her feelings to me, her voice became lower and lower.

There always was a sense of beauty she saw in her circumstances, no matter how bad they were. Despite the challenges, she would always point out a hint of good and cling onto it.

Nonchalant of the consequences.

"Let's join Lia on the sofa, and enjoy the match of football. We shall discuss this another time." I exhaled deeply, trying to turn her attention to some light entertainment.

"But I haven't finished my cigarette!" Protesting, as she held the carcinogen stick between the middle and index finger of her right hand.

In no time, the cigarette was swiftly thrown over the railing, by me as it flew down to the street where it crashed on the ground; Putting an arm across Lara's shoulders, guiding her inside.

Welcomed by the triumph screams of Lia, spinning around in the air her team's scarf, as apparently gli Azzurri had scored against the Brave Blossoms.

Her joy was palpable even to the neighbor next door, as he banged his fist against the wall while cursing at us to keep it down. Reminding us that it was late, and there were other people residing on the second floor.

We did nothing but laugh to our heart content at it.

"We'll surely try, cariño~!" I shouted back in a playful tone, with a hint of flirtatiousness in my voice.

I had a soft spot for our neighbor, Mr. Garcia; The handsome Spanish teacher, who recently moved into the condo weeks prior. With his suave personality and dazzling charisma, how could one not?

His anger issues were on another level though, maybe those were the reason his wife divorced him.

But one thing I know for sure, I would have chosen Spanish instead of French in middle school if he was the teacher.

As only the idea made me caliente between my legs.

Only to be dragged back to reality by Lia as she sat us down on the couch, to then accommodate herself between me and Lara, keeping us at a short leash, so to speak.

"It would be appreciated if you kept your lustful scenarios to yourself, at least until this match finishes." Lia expressed with a tired sigh.

"Oh come on what's wrong with letting your fantasy run a little wild? Plus who wouldn't fall for a dilf like him-" I answered as Lara playfully hit my shoulder chuckling, before Lia cut us off putting both of her index finger on our lips.

"Shh shut it for now..." She whispered strictly, eyes glued onto the screen of the TV.

The camera now shifted its focus to Tommaso Allan, who had the ball passed onto him by one of his teammates. In a swift and decisive move, he rushed forward, and successfully managed to overcome an opponent who had initially blocked his path. He was in the process of searching for an ally to pass the ball to, when Kanji Shimokawa suddenly tackled him to the ground, catching him by surprise and seemingly causing him to lose the ball.

"Now that's a hunk!" Lia remarked as she viewed the slow-motion replay of the action on the screen.

Only for me and Lara to shut down her affirmation.

As the game progressed, the Italian team was in advantage, netting two more touchdowns, prompting Kanji to utter a series of curses in the meantime, his anger being quite apparent.

Takeomi glanced sideways at his companion, cigarette between his lips, taking a long drag before saying. "You worry too much buddy,"

"They are playing on their home ground, with that huge advantage I'm sure they are just being a little playful with the opposing team just to put on a show and then get serious reversing the situation."

To which the fake blonde answered with a serious demeanor, "One thing I know for sure, and that is their victory over the Azzurri. I'm not taking another loss from our national team." He stated.

To which the other male answered.

"Then try not to get any white hair from the stress, it would ruin that dye job." Taking a long drag from his cigarette as he talked to his colleague.

While their two younger superiors played pool in the background, the pink-haired freak wasn't having any bullshit from his smoke addict of an older brother.

"Can you shut that trap of yours and stop smoking like you're mourning someone!? It's so fucking annoying to smell the smoke of your cheap cigarettes!" Talking, more like spitting words as if he was speaking with the lowest scum on earth.

"Suck it up Haruchiyo, your weed is no better." He firmly stated puffing out the smoke.

"It's Sanzu to you Akashi, stop acting like we're close and playing family, we both know you suck at it." Snarling while he glared at the older male.

"Fair enough, I just thought you missed my figure as an older brother." He laughed to himself.

While his little brother scoffed at his antics, dispising him from the very bottom of his heart.

Applying some chalk on the cue stick, as he got ready to make his strike.

"You talk as if you've died, which unfortunately you didn't. Anyhow, who would miss such a parasite as you?" With a swift and precise motion hitting the little white ball, as it went rolling full speed colliding with the brown one, "The world would just lighten from such burden if you did." He concluded as the ball fell into the hole.

"Oh- come on now, you talk as if I've ruined your life, or in this case as if I was the only one that did-" Being cut off by Mochi esulting as the Brave Blossoms finally scored a point after a back and forth between the two teams.

"Take that, you pasta eating bitches!" He was aware that the Azzurri were still ahead of a point but had so much faith in his team to win, as his nationalism kicked in.

When the two charismatic figures of Bonten entered the room.

Or more like one entered while having the arm of the other on his shoulders, as he helped him walk inside.

"Ahoy there, mates! Terribly sorry to keep you all waiting, I was busy chugging down copious amounts of liquor." Stumbling forward for a couple of steps as he gripped tightly the fabric of his brother's suit, the older Haitani made his entrance.

"However, I've recovered somewhat and I'm ready to enjoy some time together with you beautiful, beautiful people!" The man drunkenly declared, while his sibling dumped him on one of the minibar stools.

"Stay put, alright? Don't do anything dumb." Putting his brother in a position where he wouldn't fall off the stool from squirming around.

"I'm not a kid anymore, Rindou. I can take care of myself, even when I'm tipsy. Seriously, don't you trust me?" He proudly stated.

"There's nothing to be so proud of, Ran." Only to be cut off by the other, "I mean, I know how to handle my booze!" As the two got into a back and forth over the situation, which only got more chaotic and interrupted Kokonoi's efforts to concentrate and get some work done.

The ladder was immediately caught by their words, as he grew annoyed by all the interruptions to his work.

"Can you stop being so loud!? I'm trying to focus and you're making it almost impossible!" He snapped, his patience quickly running out with the ruckus.

The younger Haitani was already fed up after all the bullshit he had to deal with today.

As the situation wasn't helping, and his patience was quickly running out. He was ready to explode, and this slight form of provocation pushed him over the edge.

"Screw off, dick cheese! This isn't a place for work. Stop thinking about more ways to make money when we don't need it right now, you capitalist prick!" He exclaimed not able to control his temper anymore, as now he just wanted to exit the room not wanting to completely lose it.

And he did just that leaving his drunk sibling over there with the other lad, quickly making his way to the elevator.

Ran, being the drunken flirt he is, decided to break the silence between them with a bold claim, "Don't listen to him, gorgeous. You can consider this room your workplace, and if anyone else says otherwise, let me take care of it. I'm quite the big deal around here." Clearly still drunk from the alcohol, he mistakenly thought the white haired man was a woman.

Who seemingly caught his attention so he wanted to shoot his shot and earn some chuckles from, but he only received a disgusted glare from his comrade.

"For the love of all that is holy, please just trip over a knife and leave me alone." He face palmed in utter exasperation, as just the idea of having to deal with Ran's drunken antics was just too much for him to bear. He returned to typing on his laptop, trying his best to avoid Ran and hoping he wouldn't interrupt him again.

He was wrong, Ran was right behind him, his arms draped over his shoulders as he leaned over to whisper in the other man's ear, "Oh come on, don't you like attention? Especially from such a charming man like myself." Continuing to hit on the supposed woman he believed his comrade was.

"I like respect and boundaries, don't you know personal space is a thing? Stop being a creep and keep your goddamn hands to yourself, geez." Wanting the other to get the point and leave him alone, he wasn't going to sugarcoat his words to not sound offensive.

Still the rather tipsy individual took it personally.

"Me a creep? Please, I'm a gentleman." He started, quickly retracting his hands from his companion's back.

"Is there any difference? A gentleman is just a more patient and pleasing wolf in sheep's clothing" He retorted with a roll of his eyes, not impressed by the behavior of his companion.

“Don't be a killjoy, sweet cheeks! Why waste those lovely locks if you aren't gonna put them to good use? Maybe they'll look even better with my fingers through them and you on your knees." He said with a cocky demeanor, leaning on the counter holding his head and looking dreamily at his colleague back, as if imagining the various things he wanted to do with 'her'.

Ran was high on his own fantasies of romance and sex, while Rindou was high on their own professional success.

Making his way to their boss' office to report the process of their successful deal with Kisaki, hoping that their superior, Mikey, would be pleased with that accomplishment and tell him and Kokonoi to begin making the necessary investments into their new deals.

Rindou, after stepping out of the elevator to the top floor, was met with the warm glow of the sunset as the sun was slowly setting in the horizon. Within thirty minutes, night would fully sweep over Tokyo, giving the window one last glimpse before heading to the boss' office.

Firmly stepping through the double doors, closing them behind him. He glanced up at his boss, making eye contact with the man piercing black irises.

Despite his lanky and short stature. He was the epitome of 'don't judge the book by its cover.'

As his presence was intimidating, making the executive quick mental note to keep the report short; The faster, the better.

"How did it go Haitani? Hopefully you gave a good image of Bonten." He asked even though it seemed more a threat, making the thirty year old man stand straight.

Breathing out, relaxing as he recollected his thoughts, he started to give his report about today's meeting he and his brother had with the heads of the Tenjiku criminal organization, Kisaki and his left hand man Hanma.

It was hard for Mikey to remain calm and focused while listening to Rindou talk about them, considering the men were the ones who caused the death of two of his siblings. Still, managing to stay silent and not show the frustration he felt.

With a quick hand gesture shutting the other man up, before he inquired, "Was Hanma much of a hassle during it?"

Rindou quickly shook his head, "He was knocked out shortly after Ran got him to try some of the new booze we ordered from China," he explained before adding "Just as you had told to operate."

Another hand gesture telling him to continue, as he complied with his boss' order.

“He wanted to have some other drinks so we gave him a vip pass to one fo our most known nightclubs, for later we prepared a royal suite at one of our five star hotels.”

Instead of going through all this trouble he could have shot that adrenaline freak, leaving him to die alone like a bastard in the corner of a cold and lost alley, people wouldn't even notice about his disappearance. Nobody would care honestly, not even the police.

But his boss' orders weren't optional, and Rindou would much rather follow them and tolerate the other annoying asshole for that short period of time, than suffer the wrath of Mikey's so-called 'loyal mad dog.'

As being skinned alive by him doesn't sound so appealing to no one. Whatever he has to do he will do it, and get the job done.

"He will depart to San Francisco tomorrow at 7 am sharp. At least this is what I know from the information Kisaki gave me." He concluded, fixing his tie as he awaited further instruction or questions from his superior.

After a long period of them just staring at each other as silence surrounded them, the boss moved his arm over the landline, his fingers pressing a button before speaking.

"Kokonoi, come to my office and bring Ran along with you." The boss says to the other person on the line, in a firm and clear tone.

And not even five minutes after three people enter the office out of the two requested.

"I was told there was going to be some top-notch food here," The still intoxicated individual exclaimed, ready to engage in whatever entertainment that was happening currently. However, despite this, the pink haired individual accompanying this person mentally scoffed and was annoyed by his drunken behavior.

Nevertheless, the person's sotic expression remained in front of the king that he followed, regardless of the irritation caused by the inebriated idiot.

With Kokonoi right behind them, closing the doors after entering with his laptop in one hand a dossier on top of it.

"You told me you were taking me to your hot female friends, but I see no beautiful babes, no sexy girls, just a bunch of ugly dudes in an office." Rather disappointed by the lie Kokonoi told him to get his ass moving as soon Mikey required their presence there, Sanzu wasted no time in dropping Ran on the leather couch like he was a sack of potatoes.

"My hot bitches-" was as far as the drunk individual's complaining got, because he was abruptly interrupted by Sanzu placing his hand over his mouth, trying to shut him up, only to have it licked away in the process. The other man was disgusted by the behavior of the drunk individual, and his annoyance was starting to show.

"What the hell you freak!" he exclaimed, clearly surprised and not expecting this to happen. He quickly pulled his arm back, Kokonoi offering him a handkerchief as he proceeded to walk towards Mikey.

Placing his laptop and the folder on the desk of this last one, as he began to state the analysis he made about how much would their earnings rise out of assimilating Tenjiku into Bonten, with the ultimate goal of absorbing them completely after removing the top two heads.

"What about Madarame Shion?" Sanzu questioned about the third head, Kokonoi confidently responded by saying.

"He is no threat. He's easy to bribe with some money and power, maybe be generous and add a couple of women for him too..." He paused looking at Rindou before continuing.

"But if his appetite isn't satisfied by that, two bullets can shut his mouth for good, and make him grateful that we ended his life quickly." Showing no hesitation or remorse as he made his statement, clearly not bothered by the slightest to have a guilty conscience.

As long as it serves the greater interests and goals of the criminal organization he loyally serves, fill his pockets and mouth, he will do that and much worse.

"What do you think, boss?" Sanzu looked to Mikey for an answer, waiting to make sure they were all on the same page.

Ready to follow whatever came out of his mouth.

As his boss was still contemplating the situation, thinking about the best move to make. Finally deciding to go along with the plan suggested by Koko, believing that there shouldn't be any trouble with the third head of Tenjiku as long as they had a fool-proof plan to bring the man over to their side, and if not get rid of him.

Pulling out of the folder the documents before giving it one last adjustment, as he and Rindou put their signature on them, handing them to Sanzu and Mikey so they could do the same, as they both read what the contract was about before signing too.

Officially declaring their agreement, now they just had to wait for the outcome, and ensure that everything proceeded according to plan.

"Now we have time to give this to Kisaki, while I need you to give this to Hanma as he will go overseas tomorrow morning." Kokonoi directed Rindou, sticking out with his hand a piece of paper from the folder for him to take.

In the middle of the nightclub, surrounded by the loud music and boisterous atmosphere, is a man. Average height and a lean type of build, with a face that is so charming even now when it displays nothing more than indifference.

He was familiar if not used to having ladies of the night by his side as they swayed along the music, one in particular, his favorite.

The young woman was basically a walking feast for the eyes, her figure a perfect example of what the male gaze perceives as the ultimate beauty.

As she back faced him, his hands under hers as she guided him to feel every curve he already knew of her body, as they moved along the rithm of the music.

Still failing miserably when it came to Kazutora, as his mind was elsewhere, and she was nothing more than another Saturday night for him.

And while she tried to win his attention for hours, only to see her efforts fail, something much simpler had managed to get the job done. And that was a buzz from his phone, tucked away in his jeans pockets.

Quickly making his way across the nightclub towards the bar, presumably intent on finding a way to end his night on a more positive note. However, the woman was not about to give up that easily. She followed closely behind him, trying not to loose him in the sea of people.

When he reached the bar, the man paid for his drink, before giving the woman some gas money to call an Uber. This sent the signal loud and clear that he had enough partying for the evening, and the lady was forced to accept defeat.

He needed to fully focus on the task at hand he gave himself, still he wasn't no ungrateful bastard as he bid her a swift goodbye, planting a quick kiss on her cheek as a sort of consolation.

Walking out of the club leaving her behind. Reviewing the intel his most trusted subordinate had sent him.

"Roppongi huh?"

Haitani's well known turf. Still half of their subordinates liked to say they were loyal, in reality they are just a bunch of dumb assholes that with a little money and lies you could buy.

Cracking the engine to life as soon as he got on his motorcycle, a loud roar filled the mostly empty parking lot due to the late hour.

Taking a hold of the handle bar, rubbing it to gain more speed. He then performed a half circle turn to then speed off down the wet streets of Shibuya.

The streets were empty, except for the occasional low-life thugs or wannabe gangsters. He enjoyed nights like this, as it was just him, his motorcycle, and the cool wind that brushed across his now rosy cheeks. The blonde streaks in his hair blew freely, adding even more beauty to this moment.

Taking the exit onto the highway, it started to get boring.

Until he noticed a luxurious car in the distance, it seemed to be a black Mercedes-Benz.

Surely expensive to maintain, from the looks it seemed it was brand new. Although he couldn't see the owner, unfortunately as this rich bastard had black tinted car windows. But surely he seemed to be in deep thought as he moved with a slow monotone peace.

Then an idea came to his mind.

Letting the car gain a good distance, before going at maximum speed just right beside it. The roars of the motorcycle surprised the driver that much he swerved off into another lane. Luckily, the driver hit the brakes with all his might saving the car from making an accident.

Kazutora burst into laughter, not caring about the person in the car he almost killed. According to him, it was the driver's mistake to be distracted and wandering off with their thoughts while on the highway.

And since he considered himself to be a good cop, he saw it as his duty to remind him of this simple rule.

In his style and way of doing it.

The two figures that exited the car didn't catch his attention for long, as the situation had given him enough fun for today. Turning back to focus his attention on the road and on his true goal that night —visiting one of the night clubs owned by the two charismatic brothers.

Unbeknownst to him, the ones that he almost made go astray were none other than the two brothers, and the psychopath with a pink mullet of their superior.

The younger Haitani was outraged after the incident, and furiously started shouting calling the driver of the bike all sorts of names.

"That bastard!" The man yelled, his tone raging with fury.

In spite of his subordinate's outrage, Sanzu saw comedy in the situation and couldn't help but crack up.

"Calm down, bro. This is hilarious. it almost felt like we were going to die there," His coworker said with a wicked grin, as he closed and leaned into the car door.

Rindou was now fuming with outrage as the Joker wanna be continued to go at it.

"What? It's not my fault nor his that you drive like an old lady," The individual shrugged, unconcerned.

"You sick fuck! That damned bike almost caused us to crash! I might drive like a grandma, but who does he think he is acting like a maniac on the road?!" Storming back to the car, upon reaching it he opened the car door and forcefully closed it behind him.

Sanzu stayed out of it, sighing in annoyance as he left the younger Haitani some time to cool off, before they could carry on with the task given by his king.

While all this chaos happened, Ran was in the back seat, knocked out.

And not even five minutes after they were back on the road.

The speedometer showed numbers escalating rapidly, reaching higher digits after mere seconds had passed.

Street lights pass their bright ray on the car bodywork, somewhat trying to clean it from all the shady businesses that they have used it for.

Chase Atlantic blasting from the radio, as the man with the pink mullet sang along the lyrics. Only to be interrupted by the news.

"It seems that the trend of illegal car races came back, California has been full of reports. Especially in the cities of San Diego, Los Angeles and lastly but not least San Francisco."

As the news reporter continued their broadcast, Sanzu lowered the volume as he looked at Rindou before saying.

"Seems like Shion is already at work." He snickered still looking at whom he was speaking to.

While the other guy thought nothing but how idiotic people were to follow a trend, just to be known as some sort of crappy underground superstar. Not knowing how much of a hypocrite he sounded.

He and his older brother did follow the trend of being delinquents too, but they had more style and charm than those scraps.

"San Francisco huh?" He mumbled to himself.

Rindou only knew the city thanks to the books at juvie.

Remembering it's characteristic monuments such as Alcatraz, the ruthless prison known world wide, the Golden Gate Bridge; A red and white vortex that makes you enter a colorful mix of colors and cultures, where cheap and expensive coexist.

These were the words that the author of the book chose to describe the city.

Hanma tomorrow would go there to help Shion, his old gang pal, as the mission given to him by Kisaki wasn't such an easy task.

They should be there just for a few days, just to find a good location out of the public eye, and then be back in Japan without getting noticed.

The police have been on their tails in this period of time, with the help of that damned Toman.

As they reunited the gang, this time to find and bring back Mikey and his fucked up mind. With Takemichi being none other than the leader, yes that's right a weak bitch like him is the top dog.

He was good with words, Rindou admits, but words can't bring you anywhere. Violence must accompany them, at least that's his ideal.

Still he found it hilarious how they believed that with the power of friendship they could bring back his boss, who honestly just needed to be sent to a psychiatric hospital along with his loyal mad dog that was now sitting beside him looking at his phone.

But at least they had the balls to do something he would never do, and that was going against Mikey.

As if it wasn't Sanzu hunting him down for betrayal his subconscio would take his place. Guilt tripping him of leaving Ran alone, breaking the promise they had made at each other from the very start.

He couldn't handle the type of life without anyone beside him, like he had Ran for his entire life.

So running away was, and forever will be just a fantasy.

Since we were into the topic of old friendships, two other old friends were seeing each other right now after many years.

Junpeke, a once lively individual, had become much more tame over the years. His once stylish and edgy haircut was still the same, but his spark seemed to have been lost.

And now he happened to work at one of the many clubs the Haitani owned, he was just a low ranking subordinate of theirs nothing really special.

Still Kazutora found a way to use the position of his old friend in something useful to him, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered meeting him again after all these years.

Both of them not wasting much time, walking though the dark corridors headed straight for a door that was labeled 'Staff Only'.

Once through the now closed door, they entered an area that was most likely a dressing room, as Junpeke immediately got to business, pulling a waiter suit, from the nearby closet handing them to Kazutora.

As the latter changed into them pretty quickly, taking out keys and wallet from the orher pocket of his jacket along with his phone.

"Now that i have completed everything you've asked me for, it's time for you to hold up your end of the deal," Junpeke stated, a smug smile made it's way on his face as he added.

"Give me the money, and you can go and do whatever your heart pleases with Hanma." As if he wasn't in a dangerous situation at all.

"Of course, a deal is a deal after all." Kazutora seemed used to his arrogant behavior as he searched though his jacket pockets, pulling out two rolled stash of twenty five bills worth ten thoused each.

For you folks that don't want to do math, it's basically around four thousand dollars.

Not wasting anymore time the other took it and began to count them.

"What? Don't you trust me Junpeke?" The man with long hair pulled back and tied into a low ponytail asked his former friend, however the ladder didn't respond to him.

He looked around to make sure everything was left as they found it, then both took their leave walking to the door.

Not all bad things come to harm you, and Kazutora had learned one important rule during juvenile detention, and that was; Never let anyone walk behind you, especially when doing shady business.

Of course the ex-juvenile delinquent took this opportunity, knocking his childhood friend unconscious, sending his live location to one of the police officers he had under his command, and carrying the man outside the back exit and dropping him inside a dumpster.

After successfully taking Junpeke out of the picture he went back inside the building, now walking through the corridors that brimmed with sex workers that offered him lustful gazes and sweet chuckles.

He payed them no mind, as they were only doing their job.

Entering the large underground club lounge of the hotel, he was met with a scene of chaos. Music blasted in the background, ladies dressed in vibrant colours and styles moved back and forth, forming a veritable bouquet.

Just as he was taking in the sight, his eyes scanned the various tables as they came across the man he was looking for, he was surrounded by a circle of ladies, as they stuck to him like glue or looked to get closer.

Hanma Shuji, a man with many words for him, but clown was the most fitting, as his lazy smile was exactly the same of a fool.

And Kazutora couldn't wait to wipe it off his face, as it would look better when he will shove him behind the bars.

As if by fate, a tray carrying two alcoholic drinks was suddenly placed in his hands by a waitress, confusing him for a waiter, shouting at him to bring it to the table where the infamous reaper was.

And of course after knowing that how could he not spit into the drink to top it off?

Not a smart idea to do it in the middle of the dance floor, as he was grabbed by the collar from a bulkier man with an angry expression on his face.

If you were at a club and brought a drink, only to see a waiter spitting into one of the same type that you ordered, it would certainly put some doubts in your mind about your own drink.

And since alcohol can often make one's inhibition lower and impulse control harder to manage, it's now wonder that the man got so aggressive in a quick time span with Kazutora.

"Who do you think you are, spitting into drinks like that?!" In the midst of the loud music and partying, the sound of that sudden shout got the attention of those nearby.

As the partygoers turned their gaze towards the source, witnessing the man violently shaking the 'waiter'.

This situation surely ruined the cheerful mood there was in the club, as people didn't know if the accusation was true or simply a misunderstanding.

"If you don't want to give us our money's worth, then don't bother working here at all?!" Kazutora didn't even bother defending himself, he was too busy getting his face sprayed with spit from the angry shouts of the other man.

This whole situation ruined their night, as his voice surely would give the others a headache if this continued.

But one in particular.

And that was Hanma Shuji of course.

Making his way through the crowd of people as he left all the ladies behind, and when he got there he was met with the familiar face of Kazutora.

Seeing his ex comrade getting into a heated confrontation, how could he not intervene to help him? Jokes aside he quickly made his way to the two, putting his hand on the angry customer's shoulder, before saying.

"Now now, what's with all the hoopla?" he asked with a somewhat dismissive tone, taking the situation lightly.

But this seemingly innocuous gesture seemed to spark a fire in the customer, who was now fuming with anger.

"Who do you think you are, you bastard?!" he growled at Hanma, his voice practically dripping with fury. "I'm a powerful criminal, you think you can just go and mess with me like this?" he continued, his rage growing with every word.

Hanma, however, remained unfazed and replied to the customer's threats with a lazy smile, "Or what? What are you going to do? Enlighten me," he retorted, his lazy smile remaining on his face despite the customer's rage.

"Are you challenging me?! I can take you and break you like a breadstick, you lanky beanpole!" The customer shouted, angry at Hanma's continued lack of fear and respect for him.

"You don't seem to be in the right mood, mister." He said before adding "How about you go on a little timeout and drink some water, hm-?" And that was it, the final straw.

Suddenly Kazutora was free, as the man who was gripping on his collar turned to the taller male.

"I'll kill you four eyes!" He shouted, finally snapping.

"Four eyes? Make it six, because from how drunk you are." The other one had enough, and decided to resort to physical violence. As he ran at Hanma, fist ready to punch him hard on the jaw, determined to wipe that lazy smirk off his face.

Still as we all know this was a piece of cake for the reaper, as he dodged the strike with ease. Getting under people's skin was his profession rather than being a criminal, this was routine for him.

Kicking his opponent's feet, making him trip and fall on the dirty dance floor, that from the various partying of the night was all sticky, either from drink spills or obsolete substances.

As the bouncers came and took the man on the floor, as he continued to sprout profanities at the two.

Once the chaos of the situation subsided, Kazutora understood it was his cue to leave and get out of there. His plan being ruined by some drunk bastard.

Hoping to slip away unnoticed, but he was way too positive and confident in his skills not to notice Hanma's hand on his shoulder.

"Not even a 'thanks, old friend?" The familiar voice cut through the air. Even if he was facing the other way, the ex Valhalla number three could feel his ex superior lazy smile.

"Hanma, long time no see," he said, "You've changed quite a bit, and it seems like you've acquired the habit of grabbing people by their shoulders?" He said with one of his best fake smiles he could manage to hide his irritation.

"I could say the same for you," he responded humorously, "you still look as fresh as new! Mind telling me your secret?" With a light-headed tone, he joked about his friend's transformation.

"Oh, y'know. Just grew my hair out a bit," lightly tugging some rebel strands of hair framing his face, "and eleven years of prison did their work." He playfully scoffed.

"You're as sassy as ever, huh?" Hanma replied teasingly, "How about we get some drinks and catch up on the lost time?" Wrapping his slender arm around his old comrade's shoulders, who seemed to not be interested in having to chit-chat.

Ultimately, he accepted the offer, ending it with "Why not?"

Both perfectly knew who the other was, but just for tonight they'll forget it over a few glasses of Mojito.

[greenerteacups]

Awe-inspiring is a word I feel is overused. "Awe" in general is overused, really. I mean, awesome inspired completely different feelings and images a hundred years ago compared to today. As someone who adores the original meanings of 'awe' and its related 'awe-inspiring', I sincerely attempt to limit my usage to reflect its gravitas.

With that in mind, your work is awe-inspiring. Thank you for sharing it 🤍

You mentioned in another response that this fic is millions of words, and I believe it. I cannot fathom how overwhelming that must seem now, let alone when you began at book one.

Are there times you've questioned this project because of its length? How do you keep going if you become overwhelmed? Along these lines, have you ever posted a plot point or a detail you regret on some level? How do you keep moving forward, working with those already posted points?

This compliment is sincerely touching, and I thank you for it. I don't take the word lightly, either, and I'll endeavor to deserve your respect.

Mostly, coping with the length is a "don't look down" scenario. Like, yeah, in theory you're writing hundreds of thousands of words, but also, you don't have to write them today. And the way I think about it is: I'm a writer, and I love to write. I would be writing millions of words cumulatively across different projects anyway, so why not this one? If I'm still interested in it — and I am — what's the harm in doing more in this universe? Sure, you worry about plateauing or getting writer's block, but ironically, once you've put in enough effort, that stops being a problem. You don't lose all sense of doubt, but you do start to get amused by the feelings, because they're so obviously baseless. It's like: yeah, whatever, Brain. You were able to write 500,000 words of fic about this one Specific Little Dude, but 600,000 is too much for you? What, was word #600,001 too much of an ask? You're going to waste two years of effort because you threw a temper tantrum and didn't want to write the Middle Part of Chapter Fucking Seventy-Three? Sure, honey.

Being kind to yourself helps a lot. Taking breaks when you need them, not forcing the scene if it doesn't want to come. Being willing to fuck with the project a little and shake up storylines if you're not digging them. The general rule of thumb is that if you're not having fun, the reader isn't either, so keeping yourself entertained is a big priority.

I don't recall anything I regretted, though I'm sure there are. I don't dwell on it much. You have to forgive the writer you used to be for not being as good as the writer you are now, and that means long projects are gonna get better with time. I choose to feel pride about that instead of regret. As for the fic, you do the best you can. Sometimes you just have to play it as it lays.

[beautifulsnake2162020]

We have it all (Hualian adopted daughter fanfic) Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I only do this for fun.

Premise: Not long after comforting a bullied girl named Meng Ai, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian find themselves adopting her and together they form a family they didn't know they had needed for awhile.

Story/Genre tags: Slice of life-ish (mainly), Family focused, Hua Cheng's houses finally become homes, there may be an overarching story but that's not the focus, Hualian being parents, Fengqing being uncles, Lang Qianqiu falling in love with someone who was raised by the Xianle squad, technically post-canon (though I haven't read the books so if there are some ooc moments please forgive me).

AO3 Link

Chapter 1

Follower tags: @anonimgato1507

Chapter 2

"My name is Meng Ai, I'm 6 years old and just like my baba I could see and talk to ghosts." She says as she finishes her first cup of water. The rain has become stronger now and Hua Cheng decided to carry her while Xie Lian held the crimson umbrella so that all three of them would fit under it as they made their way back to Puqi Shrine. Now stable enough to withstand a storm but still quite modest and humble compared to other temples. The public area of worship was separated from the living quarters where the three of them were in now.

"And where do you live Meng Ai? My name is Xie Lian." He says as he gives her a bowl of broth prepared previously by one of Hua Cheng's servants. While Hua Cheng may not mind consuming Xie Lian's cooking no matter how awful it was, his worshippers and any visitors to the shrine were a different story.

"You honestly think that your worshippers will endure this kind of suffering?" Mu Qing asks him frankly one day as he and Feng Xin were visiting one time. They in their guises as Fu Yao and Nan Feng and Hua Cheng in his San Lang appearance. While their identities were no secret among the four of them, for the sake of mortals they kept their disguises whenever they dwelled in the mortal realm.

"It's still sustenance."

"For your husband maybe, but his tastes have always been questionable."

"Hmph, you're saying that as if your tastes are any better."

"Now now you two." Xie Lian says as he settles himself beside Hua Cheng and across from Nan Feng. If someone were to listen to their voices alone they would easily tell that it didn't have the same level of malice in their earlier days. Though they were still arguing. Hua Cheng had a smug expression and Fu Yao relaxed in his seat and leaned towards Nan Feng.

"You know he does have a point Dianxie." Nan Feng added as he joined the conversation.

"If your followers could get something more palatable then they would be encouraged to come here more often."

And ever since then broth previously prepared by someone else was made to be consumed for any hungry visitors to the shrine. Meng Ai had just finished her first bowl of it and politely asked for more.

"I actually don't know the name of our village. Mama and Baba just tell me to first look for Puqi village, pass the ghostly forest, walk straight the main road on the rice field area until you see the entrance of the village."

"By any chance." Hua Cheng starts as he relaxes in his seat across her.

"Is this village the one surrounded by a forest?"

"Yes."

"Oh that would be Hu village." Xie Lian says as he sits beside Hua Cheng and pours more water in Meng Ai's cup.

"It used to be a place where tigers were plentiful."

"What happened Xie Lian?"

"The ones who first built the village drove them out."

"Oh no."

"It was a long time ago Meng Ai."

"But it's still so awful, is that why our village is so isolated?"

"One among many Xiao-Ai, is it alright if I call you that?"

"Oh yes, but I'm confused what to call you. Xie Lian your husband calls you San Lang. But I overheard the other ghosts say that your name is Hua Cheng." Hua Cheng chuckles lightheartedly.

"I'm not close with those ghosts. But you may also call me San Lang." She raises one of her eyebrows at him.

"But I'm not married to you." Now Xie Lian couldn't help but laugh with Hua Cheng.

"San Lang is the name I give to those I want to be close with." He couldn't help but feel lighter as her smile grew.

BANG

"AH!" She runs to the space between them to hide from the thunder. She finds herself being lifted ontu Xie Lian's lap since he was seated further away from the window.

"Does the thunder frighten you?"

"No - but I hate sudden surprises."

BANG

She hides her face beneath Xie Lian's robes and he cradles her head to calm her down.

"It's why I ran to the forest with many ghosts. Some of them have followed me to the rice fields when I was delivering one of my mama's works to a farmer's wife. And then when I turn around to go home, they all scared me suddenly with scary masks."

"What does your mother do?" Xie Lian asks as he adjusts her so that they were more comfortable and he was facing Hua Cheng.

"She's a seamstress and puts the embroidery on clothes. She just began teaching me after I pricked myself with a needle when I was trying to copy her."

"Oh? Do you want to be like her?" Hua Cheng asks curiously.

"No, I'm not sure I would enjoy being a priestess. It's clothes that I enjoy more."

"A priestess you say."

"Yes San Lang, she recieves visions every now and again."

A brief flash of lightning appeared by the window. But now having become comfortable with them she now faces Hua Cheng while still sitting on Xie Lian's lap.

Bang

She doesn't wince or hide anymore now that she was given a warning that a thunder might follow.

"Is that so? Which God does she serve Xiao-Ai?"

"Xiwangmu."

"Ah, how interesting." Hua Cheng says in a relaxed tone while sharing a glance at Xie Lian who gives him a subtle nod.

"Does she tell you her visions?"

"No, she always says that it's a burden only she and the other priests or priestesses have to bear. I think this is also why sometimes some of her embroidery are more interesting than other seamstresses."

"Why is that Xiao-Ai?" Xie Lian asks as he gives her another cup of water with the hand that wasn't supporting her.

"Mama says that she cannot directly say her visions when she's not serving as the oracle. But mama couldn't help but warn those who would be affected by some of them. So she embroiders more interesting patterns hoping that someone in the family could decipher it."

"Does it work?"

"No Xie Lian, I think that's why mama cries a lot more nowadays. Because nobody could read her warnings no matter how much she tries to warn them." It's something else little one, Xie Lian thought as continues cradling Meng Ai who has leaned into his arms as another bout of thunder and lightning make their appearance outside. He doesn't need to look at Hua Cheng to know that they are both thinking of the same thing.

This was the test.

Xiwangmu says to not overthink it and to just be themselves and they would pass the test with ease.

I hope she's right. Xie Lian thinks as he feels the storm's wind easing up. It won't be long before the storm would be over, even though it is late at night.

"Xiao-Ai" Hua Cheng begins, tone still gentle but a little bit more persuasive than earlier. "You've mentioned earlier that your father could also see ghosts. What does he do for a living?"

"Oh baba is a magician."

"A magician?"

"Well, I like to call him that. I actually don't really know what his title is. But I always see him mixing and making potions and studying dirt. Sometimes it changes the color of the water and sometimes if I've been really good he'll make a potion that makes so many sparks and show it to me. People go to him and ask him to make fireworks, paint, ink, and other things. Mama says that it's because of baba teaching something to the farmers that the fields are now consistently fertile."

"And what does he do when it comes to ghosts?"

"He just talks to them, he explained that sometimes people are doing things that ghosts don't like but because ghosts can't talk to them so they need to be more disruptive to try to make people stop." She then gives Hua Cheng a smile.

"But I think he'll like you because you took care of me San Lang."

"Oh? And how did you know I was a ghost?" He says now teasing.

"You don't have a heart beat. And there's some sort of clinginess to keep yourself the way you are. Whereas with Xie Lian there's a lack of clinginess but there is a heartbeat. So Xie Lian must be another type of spirit." There was silence after her revelation.

"I'm sorry San Lang, my baba could explain it better than I could. But that's how it makes sense to me."

"Don't be Xiao-Ai." He says as he opens his arms and she goes into them. The storm is weaker now and is on it's way out. Now in his arms Xie Lian makes preparations to return her to her parents. He doesn't want to return her empty handed and since he is the God of this shrine, he takes some of the fresher and better food offerings he received and begins packing them for Meng Ai's family.

"If you don't practice explaining it, then how will you be better at it hmm?"

"Oh you have...a...point." She let's out a yawn. It was obviously well past her bedtime and she's struggling to stay awake.

"Shh sleep now, little one."

"But ... mama and ... baba." Hua Cheng gently shifts his position to make it more comfortable for Meng Ai to sleep in his arms.

"You'll be with them soon."

The next time Meng Ai woke up she was back in her bed with her parents hugging her. A part of her thought that they would scold her for not returning home before the storm but instead they were just grateful that she is back. Along with her return were gifts of fresh fruit which she recalled were some of the offerings in the Puqi shrine that San Lang and Xie Lian brought her to as shelter from the storm.

Later when she was alone she found a little tied parcel attached to her belt. Opening it she found a beautiful necklace with a silver butterfly pendant on it.

She couldn't help but shed tears of joy.

_____________________________________________________________

"See, I told you that you would like her." Hua Cheng couldn't help but raise his eyebrow at the sudden visitor waiting for them on the shrine's entrance when they returned.

"What are you up to Xiwangmu? Are you really going to remove that girl from her family just to give us a wedding gift? You need not bother - I already knew Gods could do despicable things."

"San Lang, let's listen to her. Maybe she has an explanation for all of this."

"I do, but I'm not the best person to explain it. Ask her parents why and you will find out why if you choose to accept her and raise her as your own, you will be doing all of us a favor." She vanishes before either of them could say a word.

"She's really insistent isn't she?"

"Insistent that she deprive one of her oracles from being with her daughter that is."

"Hmm...she says that the best people to ask are her parents. Let's invite them over to have a chat."

"We'll need to keep her distracted while we talk to her parents. Her mother cannot talk directly to anyone involved in her visions. She must have had a vision involving her early on which is why she doesn't want to share any of her visions with her."

"You have a point San Lang. But who would be able to keep her distracted? Oh." He has a pleased expression while Hua Cheng couldn't help but laugh at the hilarity that would ensue.

____________________________________________________________

"Couldn't you have called someone else to babysit her?" Mu Qing in his Fu Yao appearance complained as he and Feng Xin in his Nan Feng appearance arrived at Puqi shrine.

"Shi Qingxuan is ill and there is no way I'm letting Ming Guang anywhere near her."

"She's just a kid San Lang, I don't think Pei Ming would do anything to her."

"He has a point Dianxie, who knows what that womanizer would do." Feng Xin says as the four of them settle down in the living quarters of the shrine.

"Couldn't you have Yin yu do this instead?"

"Is your fear of women that debilitating?" Hua Cheng asks provokingly as Feng Xin's face becomes red.

"I'm not scared of little girls!"

"Good, then you two will have to do. Besides, Yin yu is currently on an assignment that he shouldn't be disturbed from. Unless of course it is an emergency."

"Fine. What do we do?"

"Stick with either Puqi village or a nearby area. And don't let her out of your sight and make sure she's always protected." Xie Lian says in a calm yet authoritative tone.

"What is important is that she shouldn't be anywhere within hearing shot of us. Her mother is an oracle and a priestess of Xiwangmu any information about a vision involving her might change certain things should she learn about them."

"Alright. Any other-"

"SAN LANG! XIE LIAN!" The little girl in question yells in urgent panic as she enters the shrine's grounds. All four rush out to meet her.

"Xiao-Ai what is it?" Xie Lian asks hoping to calm her down.

"Mama says baba is going to be killed today and she told me to run to you to help him!"

"Where is he?"

"He won't tell me where, he just says he's going on a trip to get moon cakes for my birthday gift. But I overheard him say something about getting the perfect vessel from porcelain."

Jingdezhen

Xie Lian telepathically says to all four present.

"You did well Xiao-Ai, San Lang and I will go there to help your father. Will you stay here with our friends Fu Yao and Nan Feng to watch over the temple?" She nods, the worry for her father's life is weighing on her.

"They will make sure you are safe."

"Okay, Xie Lian - if my baba dies, could you still bring him back to mama and I? He asked us to bring his remains to the capital of Fu Dao."

"Of course little one, we will bring your father back." Hua Cheng says reassuringly.

And with that they made their way to the porcelain capital.

AN: Thank you for reading.

Meng = Dream, Ai = Love (I don't know what the total meaning of that is in mandarin but I love the meanings of these names that I found in Chinese name websites)

Up next - Fengqing's first experience as uncles hahaha.

[ariaste]

Hello hello! If it’s all right with you, I would like to vent for a moment: Back in the day, I used to be really into BBC Sherlock. I know it was bad, but it was “Be Gay (solve) Crimes” and I couldn’t resit. One of my favorite parts of the fandom was reading fan metas. I enjoyed reading your ridiculously long meta! I am not very clever and I enjoy reading people noticing things that I can’t. It’s fun watching people passionately pick up clues and put them together.

I don’t think I’m the only one getting superwholock flashbacks lately. Sherlock also tried an unreliable narrator in S4 and it was an absolute shit show. People thought thought the finale was fake, it was so bad. TBH, the entire show was a dumpster fire that thought it was more clever than it was. Moffat was a good writer for single episodes for DW, but a garbage show runner. And they called us crazy for picking up what they were putting down.

But Good Omens gives me a spark of hope. It is unashamedly queer, fun, drinks its respecting women juice, and, unlike moffatiss, I think Neil and the crew may actually be clever enough to pull something big off. I adore the Discworld series and Sir Terry, and I have faith Neil will to do right by him.

Good Omens is restoring my faith in nerdy queer fiction and reminding me why I love fandom so much. Please keep up the crackhead theories. I love them 💕

Thank you, that's very kind!

(Ended up writing a very long reply about the response to my essay and also about queerness in media. Idk why i am writing such long posts these days SORRY LOL. Anyway I'm putting it all beneath the cut so I can tag it without clogging people's dash or the tag pages)

It does make me sigh a little when I see people scornfully comparing my long essay to The Johnlock Conspiracy or saying that they're having Sherlock flashbacks, because the both the contexts of the shows and the methodology of the theorizing are VERY different. To my mind, a more direct comparison of methodology would be the Gravity Falls fandom's "Stan Has A Secret Twin" theory. Writers and showrunners DO like being sneaky and clever from time to time, and many of them are much better at it than Moffat is.

But whether or not my theory is right or not is... kind of irrelevant to me? I wasn't out to force anyone to agree with me, AND writing it was a really fun way to spend a weekend, AND I'm proud of the work I did and the story I told, AND it felt good to have a satisfying workout at the Brain Gym. So even if I'm proven utterly and completely wrong, I won't feel like I wasted my time. :)

Good Omens is a great show, and I am SO HAPPY to see it (and other shows!) embracing queerness, sharing the fans' enthusiasm for the story, and honoring and respecting the fans' love rather than punishing them for it. As more and more time goes on, I think we're going to see more and more shows like that, because some of the people who grew up reading tumblr discourse are going to be showrunners themselves one day, and they'll have learned serious lessons about what it feels like when the audience is met with love rather than disgust and disdain. In fact, we're ALREADY seeing more shows like that than we had 10 years ago! There is so much canonical queerness on-screen these days that the me of 10-15 years ago is ASTONISHED and feels wealthy beyond counting. Of course, there is so much further to go, but man... when i was a kid, we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to see two dudes making sustained emotional eye contact, and we were grateful for it. (Jokes but also.... kind of real tho)

We've seen the exact same thing happen in scifi/fantasy publishing in the last seven or eight years, too! (Went off on a long tangent about Queerness In Media from an insider perspective, continuing below a cut so I don't clutter everyone's dash)

Even as recently as 2013--ten years ago--you might not have even been able to get your book published if it was openly gay. Hell, you might not have been able to get an agent to represent it, even. It would have been labeled "unmarketable" and passed over; if it DID get published, the queerness would have been camouflaged and downplayed and hidden in the marketing as much as possible--you wouldn't have known by looking at the cover that it was queer, you wouldn't have been able to tell by reading the back cover that it was queer. In literally 2016, seven years ago, a few months before I got my first book deal, I remember having a conversation with a friend and being very very worried that if I wrote books as queer as I wanted them to be, I would be "pigeonholed" as "ONLY writing Gay Books", that I would be passed over for any of the publisher's marketing budget and publicity efforts, that I would be sidelined and ignored... In 2016, I thought I was facing a choice of writing stories with more "mainstream appeal" OR writing the books I wanted to write and potentially undermining the rest of my career.

That didn't happen, thankfully, because in the next couple years there was this incredible explosion of queer scifi/fantasy. You see, ten to fifteen years ago, a truly stunning percentage of my colleagues -- writers, editors, publicists -- were writing and reading fanfic, and they carried their tastes and story-hungers with them as they grew up and got Real Adult Jobs at publishing companies. And suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a lot of us came of age all at once and there was this absolutely enormous wave of queer SFF that in my opinion has brought us into a new golden age of the genre: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, The Chorus of Dragons series by Jenn Lyons, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie, The Tensorate series by Neon Yang, Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki, The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders, the Birdverse books by RB Lemberg, The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson, The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Reforged by Seth Haddon, The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson, Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell, The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin -- and these only the ones I could remember off the top of my head in 30 seconds, and I have a flavor of ADHD that makes my brain go blank when people ask me to think of specific examples of things! It is harder for me to think of a SFF book published in the last 7 years that ISN'T queer.

And then almost exactly a year ago, my book A Taste of Gold and Iron came out with THIS COVER:

Which. Is not so much a step forward in openly queer SFF as it is a fucking gauntlet thrown down in challenge. I cannot impress upon you strongly enough how much I would not have gotten this cover 10 years ago, and that's if the book was even accepted for publication in the first place. This cover SCREAMS gay fantasy romance. There is no attempt to hide it or camouflage it. It is advertising exactly what it is, right up front.

I got the absolute privilege and honor of having this cover--and I do consider it an incredible honor--because of the work that all my colleagues put in with their own work. Each queer book that got published wedged the door a little wider for the next one, and then a little wider still for the next one, until finally someone could get their foot in the door and squeeze across the threshold, which opened it a little wider again. So when I look at this image, I don't just see a beautiful cover that I am delighted to have on my books--I see an entire history of slow, steady progress by so many incredible writers who risked damaging their careers just to drag us to a point where a book as gay as this one could get a cover as gay as that one and STILL get the full and enthusiastic support of both the publisher and the audience. And the most incredible honor and the most humbling privilege out of all of this is the fact that the success of this book meant that the door was wedged open another little bit, that I got to contribute in this small way to the efforts of everyone who came before me, so that ones who come after us will find the door flung wide -- or that there's no door left at all to block the way, because we've collectively torn it down.

So yes, @eyona, I think that having your faith restored little by little is a very good thing, and I am delighted that Good Omens is doing that for all of us. And what's even better is that even if Good Omens doesn't play out exactly how we want it to, that's... kind of okay? Because there is always the next one, and at the very very least, Good Omens is wedging the door open further so that the next one can have an easier time of it. We don't have to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to get a moment of emotionally charged eye contact anymore. We don't have to starve anymore, not like we used to back in the bad old days. And that alone is a wonderful thing. :D

[ariesmusingz]

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა ╱ real talk sentence starters pt 1 ( created using lyrics from man overboard's real talk album. feel free to adjust to fit your muse. )

you could say one of two things

call me sometime or let's hang out

maybe i could help you out

stop acting like you'll ever see me again and like i don't have you figured out

i understand how it works

on paper, we're similar people

we're different people

you're tearing down the walls i built

tell your wrecking crew i welcome you

when the days slow down this summer don't forget

i did two years in your silhouette

your jaws of steel never forgave

it's haunting the way silence sounded

if i fucked up long ago, i'm sorry

i didn't realise it counted

it just wouldn't work out

that's what i'm telling myself

we're just two different people

it's eleven thirty at night

you're in your bed nice and tight

maybe you're dreaming of me

i am calling you

i am wishing you were here

i hope i didn't annoy you today

you answered anyway

i am hearing you

wishing i could feel you too

i miss her

i wanted to tell her

i spoke to myself in the mirror for a while tonight

i made a promise that i would never fuck up having you in my life

i think you're my favourite girl i've ever met

i bought a new notebook for the road

covered it with your area code

it's tattooed by the pen and i wish it was my home

i kinda hate everyone i know

lately i've been feeling so low

come get inside my bed

you make me feel dead by being out there in the unknown

just like a dream

she called me kinda late last night

said she knew everything

all those pretty little words came out

just like i planned she fell into my arms again

i could pretend that i would lie right here forever and wait for the end

you're right we should be together

tonight i could make it better if i just gave up on my stupid little fantasy world

you're right, that was a fake smile

you're right i am in denial

i should just go home to my perfect little fantasy girl

you're my fantasy girl

she crept back up inside my bed

said that she missed everything

all those words that made me fall came out

just like a trap, everything just fell right back

we were on tracck

i could lie with her all night now and wait to react

always turning out for the worst

you were always my most consistent curse

i hope this gets you kind of heated or stings a little if you even read it

bringing everyone down

you left this house feeling empty

it's better than feeling like it's burning to the ground

i can't live with you around anymore

you're blocking out the sound outside my door

i found more

i can't remember all the times that i almost had bruises for being on your side

now i hope that someone gets to you

see you around

you were alright back when we were young

you don't compare to anything that i've found

i wrote you down a letter before i went to sleep

it had all the secrets i could no longer keep

i held them in for so long i was going to break

maybe now i can rest and you will lay awake

i've been trying to escape but something keeps calling me

a feeling i can't shake

the darkness has swallowed me

i can't move fast enough to ditch what has followed me

lighting strikes everything that i touch

this is how it feels for me to be on my own

the sadness has cut me down to the bone

it's so bad

i don't think i'll make it home tonight

there's not enough light in your house that you could leave on for me tonight

there's not enough fights i could lose to justify how i feel tonight

if this would come true, i wonder what's really real tonight

if this makes any sense at all then push my back up against the wall

try calling your friends and asking what they have heard

you're looking for the gossip and hanging on every word

i'm not made

it's cute, it's actually absurd

i can't believe someone loves me so much

i've been failing every test and late for the makeup

left alone at your request as you do your make up

i know that i won't make this alright before it's over now tonight

i know that this won't be the last time i walk these streets

i hang my head

i wish i was dead

at my best, i'd suggest i've been weird since she left

it's normal autumn stuff

i guess i never thought enough

look at me

almost free from my crippling disease

shoot bullets through my foot

i think that'd work out real good

call me out

she's calling me out

i guess she didn't know better

she called me out

i guess that's why she's got her own man now

she's doing fine

she's got her own man now

what's she talking about>

at my best, put to test i'd score average or less

i can't apply myself

if i could just untie myself

she wants the yes's

gets the no's

before long there she goes

i guess she dug too deep

now she's just too bugged to sleep

you made yourself the guest of honor

the party got stopped and everybody just went home

[quintiriss]

What's up with the elders in the Alto series?

been playing alto's adventure and alto's odyssey recently (played it years ago but picked it back up after i got a new phone) and i'm just so intrigued with the world. specifically the elders.

what's up with them? what can they do? why are they there? how long have they been there? are they a friend or a foe??

the two games in the alto series kinda proves that every "region" has its own elders. the snow region has a bunch of them, but for the desert, the only elder we know of is Sumara, for some reason. but back to the snow region's elders.

Tupa. In-game he is described as "an elder who lives alone in the wilderness. some say he can harness the power of the mountain and all those who have travelled upon it." this is a VERY interesting description. because the other elders we see are all ordinary-like and feel more like sheriffs, if anything. but that's the thing. if they're elders, why are they chasing Tupa? And the rest of the alto gang? For the alto gang i guess it can be dumbed down to "young people the old people don't like"... but what about Tupa? It isn't that weird that he lives alone in the woods since all elders we've seen have their own camps. Do they chase Tupa because he's behaving the same way as the alto gang? Do they chase Tupa because they fear his abilities? Because like... the game just makes him sound like some kind of god.

In fact, the two elders who are with the alto gang are described to have a deep connection with their region. Sumara's description is "full of warmth and wisdom, Sumara shares a deep connection to the desert's wildlife, and all travellers she meets. Even the mischievous Lemurs are calmed by her presence."

The similarity between Tupa and Sumara are the fact that they have a special connection with travellers that trek their respective regions. However, the difference between them is while Tupa "harnesses the power of the mountain" (aka the environment itself), Sumara is connected to the wildlife. The way they're described in-game also really fits the regions they're in respectively which I like (Tupa being described as a sort of loner and is mysterious while Sumara is described as warm and inviting).

My headcanon is that the reason why we don't see any elders in the desert is because either Sumara is the one and only elder, or the other elders put their full trust on her for "overlooking" the desert. It fits in well with her inviting personality.

As for Tupa, I headcanon that he's the snow region's boogeyman. Due to his "harnessing the mountain" ability thing, the citizens of the snow region made him an object of fear. Perhaps the snow region wasn't even the snow region in the first place. Perhaps Tupa pulled an Elsa a long time ago. Now, many of the common folk probably donned the title of elder and even made a uniform for themselves, making them the region's police spread around the woods in hopes of capturing Tupa. Of course, they usually fail.

Also idk if it's just me but the elders in alto's adventure feel MUCH MORE TERRYFING compared to the lemurs. I play as Tupa in alto's adventure and it's always so nerve-wracking. Tupa doesn't have Sumara's mechanic where he can make peace with the elders like how Sumara is with the lemurs. That's kind of what inspired this post.

Alto's gang was probably a rebellious group of young people who went into the woods to seek out Tupa for funsies. Then the found family trope commences, and now you have a group of teenagers/young adults who can casually do things the elder of the mountains can do.

I also headcanon that probably, upon knowing that it is dangerous for alto's gang to associate with him in any way, Tupa sent them off to the desert to meet an elder and community that would treat them better as the common folk of the mountains were getting more hostile by the day. Alto's gang tried to convince Tupa to go too, but that would be the equivalent to breaking some divine law idk. So yeah.

[naoreco]

And what of my adaptational bitterness?!

Not long ago, I decided to look at some of my favorite FE15 scenes with Japanese voice acting, given how fantastic the English dub is-- and something I picked up in the process is that the scene between Alm and Mycen in Rigel Castle has a couple of interesting changes that I wanted to lay out! Particularly with its most... iconic lines. Major spoilers ahead!

(Note: I'm not a native Japanese speaker, and I'm not entirely fluent, but I took two years of college classes and damn if I'm not putting that all to use here!!)

While I put together a document going through the whole conversation in Japanese and loosely translating it, most of it is generally the same, aside from two bits. You're also not going to get the whole picture just by reading the lines, as the voice acting does a great deal for both sides of this conversation, so I highly recommend you pull up the scene in video form as well.

Now, the first change is pretty brief! Specifically, when Mycen brings up Alm's birth during his whole spiel about how the gods are deteriorating.

Mycen: しかし、そこにアルム。お前が生まれた。(Shikashi, soko ni Arumu. Omae ga umareta.) But then there's you, Alm. You were born. But then you were born, Alm.

Alm: ！！ (*gasp*) ...! What does that have to do with any of this?

The second, more important one, is Alm's reaction to being Rudolf's mercy, and how Mycen responds to that. The exchange goes like this:

Mycen: それが愛するわが子であればこれ以上の喜びはない…… (Sore ga aisuru waga ko de areba koreijou no yorokobi wa nai…) So for it to be his beloved child, he could feel no greater joy… So for that death to come at the hand of his beloved son was… a mercy.

Mycen: ルドルフは、そう言っておった。(Rudorufu wa, sou itte otta.) Rudolf told me so himself. He told me himself that he could imagine no more peaceful end.

Alm: そんな…… 父さん、父さんっ……！！(Sonna… Tou-san, Tou-san…!!) That's... Father, father...!! And what of my peace?!

"Sonna..." on its own is a pain to translate, but the specific meaning isn't as relevant as how Natsuki Hanae says this line. Rather than reacting with even more bitterness because Rudolf's convoluted plan made no room for Alm's own say on the matter - him yelling at Mycen earlier for sending him to kill his own father is about the same already - JP Alm just... breaks down and cries for his father, essentially. And it's this difference in reaction that makes Mycen respond in turn!

Mycen: 泣くな、アルムよ。(Naku na, Arumu yo.) Don't cry, Alm. This is not the time for mourning or self-pity, boy.

Compared to something like "nakanaide" (please don't cry), "naku na" is more direct in just. You know. Telling someone not to cry instead of asking them. So perhaps there's a weight behind those words that I'm missing, but with his quieter and more even tone of voice, and the way he addresses Alm by name, it comes off as a lot gentler than how he scolds Alm in the localization.

Now, why were these changes made? Are they better or worse? I don't know! Sure, I'd like Mycen not to be kind of a dick to his grandson while he's feeling so vulnerable, but I can tolerate it because that's how I first experienced the scene, and their supports say a great deal more about how they feel about each other than a scene where they're both freshly grieving. More than that, though, I think Alm breaking down and sobbing and Alm sticking it to the man both get to something very important about his position here, something that Natsuki Hanae and Kyle McCarley also portray amazingly:

He's way too young for this shit.