#i'm cis but the gender envy is real

[oceanwithinsblog]

just done watching bright young things and i enjoyed it but you know who really did it for me? this pretty lil fairy 💞✨🧚💫

like .... look at them

i'm so enchanted. istg. gonna send michael a huge ass virtual hug for giving life to such a fun, colorful, fragile and emotional character <33

[creation-help]

Okay, jesus. I gotta say this

Hey. Other queer people reading this. Non transfems especially.

You do realize transfems are people too, right? Right?

Transfems also feel nervous presenting as their real gender in public, they also have gender envy and see a pretty stranger on the bus and wish they'd look like them. They also feel so so incredible when they finally get that one nice thing that makes them feel more Gender, and when that one stranger (cashier, batista, whatever) genders them correctly. They also pose in front of the mirror daydreaming about how they'd dress, and also have breakdowns over their clothing bc they feel like they don't fit in them the right way. They also feel horrible having family dinners with conservative relatives who talk about anything non cis looking with disgust.

They also feel unsafe going out as a queer person.

Even in queer spaces.

Do you think about this? Do you think about their internal life and feelings as people? Do you forgive them if they're being a little awkward or a little horny in embarrassing and quote on quote cringe ways? Do you feel "Off vibes" from a person in public who you perceive as a man, dressing in ways that you don't think is normal for men? Do you feel discomfort at someone with facial hair and makeup? Do you stare and quietly avoid talking to them? Do you notice when transfems are absent in queer spaces? Do you notice "women and nonbinaries" situations never including trans women, somehow? Do you mention it? Point it out?

Do you feel "more comfortable" around femboys than transfeminine people? Why is that? Why do you allow transmasc twinks to be gnc but not any transfem people? Why do you think it's any more okay to "Feel uncomfortable" around a visibly trans person if you perceive them as being amab? You realise what that sounds like, right?

Like it feels absolutely mad that I feel the need to make this post but I see so many fellow queer people spout absolutely horrendous bullshit about transfems and I won't fucking stand it. Like hey, sorry this is worded condescendingly but maybe you could think for a second that this is about them, not about you? Wakey?

Fucking think and reflect, please. I'm not even a transfem, there's millions of trans women and others saying all this shit all over tumblr. And people don't take them seriously enough. Please help advocate for them too. Pay attention. At least do some internal work with yourself if nothing else. Okay?

[nobody-nexus]

🎪Welcome To The Sinful Circus!🎪

Kasper Klovni is a coder for hire who accepted a job with someone who claimed to be making a VR game known as ‘The Amazing Digital Circus’, which will be a kid’s game full of colorful characters and wondrous environments. Kasper asked for a beta of the game and was given one with no hesitation, which although a little concerning, he didn’t think too much on it. When he started up the game however, he passed out. When he woke up, he was within a clown-like body and at the entrance to the amusement park. He looked around as he noticed a shock collar on him. What… happened?

Player/NPC Name: Kaufmo Real Name: Kasper Klovni Career: Coder For Hire Age: 25 Height: 5’9’’ Gender: Cis Male (He/Him) Game Role: Protagonist/Player

Player/NPC Name: Pomni, or ‘Jester’ Real Name: Polina Shutnik Career: Accountant Age: 25 Normal Height: 5’3’’ Sin Form Height: 7’3’’ Gender: Trans Female (She/Her) Sin: Wrath Game Role: Tutorial/Secret Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐

Player/NPC Name: Ragatha, or ‘Ragdoll’ Real Name: Amanda Dollie Career: Seamstress Age: 30 Normal Height: 5’11’’ Sin Form Height: 7’11’’ Gender: Cis Female (She/Her) Sin: Lust Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Player/NPC Name: Jax, or ‘Jackrabbit’ Real Name: Jackson Conejito Career: Corner Store Clerk Age: 22 Normal Height: 6’3’’ Sin Form Height: 8’3’’ Gender: Trans Male (He/Him) Sin: Sloth Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty:⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty:⭐

Player/NPC Name: Gangle, or ‘Tragedy’ Real Name: Grace Mezzanine Career: Broadway Actress Age: 26 Normal Height: 5’8’’ Sin Form Height: 7’8’’ Gender: Cis Female (She/Her) Sin: Envy Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐ Sinful Difficulty Level: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Player/NPC Name: Zooble or ‘Mix’n’Match’ Real Name: Zoe Jiggsaww Career: Tattoo Artist Age: 22 Normal Height: 6’3’’ Sin Form Height: 8’3’’ Gender: Agender (They/Them) Sin: Greed Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Player/NPC Name: Kinger or ‘King’ Real Name: Cesar Kingston Career: College Professor Age: 48 Normal Height: 6’8’’ Sin Form Height: 8’8’’ Gender: Cis Male (He/Him) Sin: Gluttony Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Player/NPC Name: Caine or ‘Boaster’ Real Name: Caine Ringler Career: TV Show Host Age: 28 Normal Height: 5’5’’ Sin Form Height: 7’5’’ Gender: Cis Male (He/Him) Sin: Pride Game Role: Main Level Boss Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Sinful Level Difficulty: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sinful Circus AU is an AU where Kasper, or Kaufmo, ends up within a prison made by a deranged tech genius, forcing people who have wronged them or wronged society into a horror filled hellscape where they slowly forget who they are and slowly think that they’ve always been nothing more then NPCs and AI within the theme park/circus. Every character, once succumbing to their fate, is given their own section of the circus- however any who end up dying end up becoming reused code for the rest of the theme park. Kasper ends up befriending the most sane “NPC”, who is Pomni. Although she’s not exactly your ally, she’s still willing to help- even if at times she tends to dive into her NPC brain here and there, but never on purpose

I've been reworking for like over a week now, and I'm SO HAPPY with this new version of it. It's exactly how I wanted it to be ^^. Here's some things to clarify:

YES there will be more characters. No, you can't ask for your ocs to be in this AU. I will ask YOU for it if I want them in. But there won't be many -

YES I will allow this to be a SHIP AWAY kind of AU. Notice how there's no sexualities. I want as many people to enjoy this AU as possible, so I will allow you to ship to your hearts content, even ask me questions about certain dynamics. The only thing I ask is that if you make any fan content of the ship Bunnydoll (Jax x Ragatha), I ask to NOT show it to me. I don't wanna yuck anyone's yum, that ship just personally makes me uncomfortable, but if you like it- ship away- there's no judgement here -

NO you do NOT have my permission to make ask-blogs or chat AIs around this AU. You can have ask blogs inspired by (EX: Swap AUs) but nothing more. I don't want any misinterpretation about Sinful Circus, especially since I've worked very hard on this. I hope you understand -

ASK AWAY! My inbox is nice and OPEN to any and all questions you may have! I'm not trying to hide anything about this AU, but the masterlist doc is still in the works, so if you have anything you'd like to know, just inbox it to me! I suggest keeping any suggestive questions to a minimum- minors follow me after all -

YES for fan content! Inspired by this and wanna make something with it? You don't have to tell me twice! GO FOR IT! And please @ me if you do so! I always love supporting my fellow creators, so go right ahead!

I think that's everything for now! I hope to see you all soon with more for this reworked AU! I'm cooking up some more designs (just in the future). Have a wonderful day anyone who was willing to read through ALL of this ^^

[cypionate60mg]

Hi! I love your work. It's really thrilling to find art at the intersection of philosophy, gender, and the erotic. You seem to be really thoughtful and intentional about your presentation of these pieces, so I'm curious about why you tag everything with "autoandrophilia" which IME is a pretty loaded word with a complex etymology. Would love to understand more!

Thanks, and good question. My answer is very long.

Before we go any futher, Blanchard's typology is transmisogynist bullshit. It's oversimplified, misinformed, and unimaginative. He actually abandoned the term 'autoandrophile' and has since switched to 'autohomoerotic'. More controversial online circles of trans people half-ironically identify with Blanchardian typology. For some, it's like MBTI, and for others, it's their self-diagnosis. Depends on the person.

When contemporary Western psychology began to take shape in the Wednesday Psychological Society's weekly meetings, one of the 'defects' they discussed was homosexuality. According to E. James Lieberman's biography of Otto Rank, he said in an informal setting that homosexuality is "love for one's self as seen in the persona of another like oneself whom one admires...strongly built up on narcissism. It is an ego symptom and not a sex symptom." Sound familiar? I don't think Blanchard's typology is all that different from that of early European psychoanalysis.

We see this same critique levied against trans people. That we're confusing attraction for identity, our self-love is fetishistic, and we're narcissistic neurotic perverts. But we can't just dismiss and ignore it, because we do indeed see trans people say things like "I can't tell if I want to be him or fuck him" or "become the person you'd want to date." 'Autoandrophile' starts to sound a lot like 'gender envy'. So what is actually happening here?

To even approach answering that, let's ask more questions. What does it mean to love people who look like you? If you are estranged from your own body, or if your body changes over time, is it morally objectionable to love a specific version of youself? Even a future one? It it also morally objectionable for that self-love to have a sexual dimension?

Trans people are expected to have the clarity of mind to separate who they are from who they're attracted to. (It's one of the demands society makes to ensure you are 'of sound mind' while still being suitably pathological to deserve hormonal/surgical treatment.) But if you don't necessarily identify with your body, then you already exist outside of that distinction. Like an open window, the barrier between inside (self) and outside (everything else) becomes troublesome.

Do you see now why I like the mirror metaphor so much? When you look in a reflection, that's not technically you. But it only exists because you are there to cast an image. The room's mirror image, too, is not necessarily real, but you gain insight into the room, maybe even see it in a new way, precisely because it's reflected back inaccurately. Your conception of yourself is filled out with detail when you cross-reference it with another version of yourself, one that doesn't exist in the same way you currently do.

It's some ontological quantum gender shit. And it's not unique to trans people. Cis people can experience it too, but they rely on the assumption that it's natural to have an oppositional 'counterpart', a 'complementary' partner. Somebody who completes them. Why, then, can't I complete myself?

We find ourselves back at your question. If Blanchard isn't going to use 'autoandrophile', then I will. One man's trash is another man's treasure. I'll use it to:

disrupt its definition.

challenge trans assimilationists.

discomfort cis men with my desire to be like them, or worse—to encourage them to define their masculinity.

provoke people into thoughtful discussions.

make people feel less alone.

But mostly, I use it so that when people look for the term, this blog will come up, and they'll see my porn. Or art. Or whatever they'll want to call it. And they'll start asking themselves the distinctions between any of these things.

There's so much more I could say about all this. Autoandrophilia's relationship to beauty standards, its usefulness (or lack thereof) as a coping mechanism for the limitation of transition, etcetera. But I'll stop here for now.

Much love, CYP60MG

[wof-reworked]

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

[punkeropercyjackson]

this person is literally a fucking maniac I’m so sorry they did that shit to you??? It’s headcanons and you didn’t even mention anything remotely offensive or required whatever shit they were spitting. Fucking SUICIDE BAITING OVER WHAT?? Dios mío. (to get your mind off it if you would like, share with me your favourite punk percy headcanons)

RIGHT LIKE THAT NIGGA REALLY SHOWED ME NOOSE PICS OVER FUCKING PERCY JACKSON💀And said i was 'fetishizing' trans people as if i'm not trans myself and as if she's not a cis woman and probably straight too.Stop projecting come mierda♡

But tysm,i will and you choose a good time to ask because i've been finally continouing my punk history research!!

Always had the punk mindset as seen in canon since she's anti-authority,rebels against all corruption she sees and protects and is extremely loving towards younger minorities

But was too poor to afford the clothes and piercings and such.Didn't bother him though since he cared more about acting punk than looking it

Thalia was his first real experience with the subculture headon and that's why he admired and was lowkey jealous of her along with a bit of gender envy

Goes to protests and does charity work with Rachel

And she bought him a bunch of punk stuff(from punk bussiness ofc,otherwise what's the point)

Learned to diy so many things it's gonna be a running in my fics of her

Rrrrt girl and Mcr fan-Also not punk but loves Ice Spice and Megan Thee Stallion too ofc.Really likes Green Day too!!

The specific types of punk Percy is are afropunk(because i hc them as half afro-dominican and half black-greek),seapunk(NOT because of Poseidon but because of Sally)and either crustpunk or pastel punk depending on wether we're talking her as transfem bigender and a mix of masc and fem or her as a super femme trans woman.Not for gender roles reasons because that would be ridiculous but i think just that their lives would be significantly different so that leads to a few differences in their tastes

Persephone Amelia has comics!Starfire hair,Perseo Isadore has dreads

Straight edge

His autism definitely contributes to how he approches punkness

Their patches jacket has spikes and frills around the collar and the patches are the dominican and trans flags and a black mermaid to represent Sally,a skull and a yellow diamond to represent Nico and Hazel and he has a god handful of pins but his favorites are the Riptide one Lex made him and the cat one(Yes i'm including my Pjo self-insert in this because i couldn't help myself)

Goes on estrogen but only a light dosage and for a short time compared to full transitions and gets no surgeries.Wears makeup too and gets a tongue ring,an eyebrow piercing and forward helix on both ears

Radicalized Nico and Hazel,who are now goth punk and pastel goth punk

Exclusively buys video games and consoles secondhand because of being anti-capitalism

Killed Luke in TLO not only because of being the hero of the prophecy but also because no actual punk wouldn't unalive a fascist who's also a serial ped0phile the second they got the chance.He made sure it was extra painful too and even had Nico use his soul erasing power we saw in BOO on him

And eventually manages to kill Poseidon too-Idk about Perseo but Persephone exists in my Pjo x DC x Spiderverse crossover where she's got kryptonian heritage and i headcanon krytonians are on the same levels of gods in regards to power so that's how.Zeus is too scared of Percy afterwards to stop her from fixing the greek myths world system LMFAOOOOOO

And for a lil more Perlex because i am down horrendous,him and Lex punk4punk but Lex is pastel punk and solarpunk!!They go on punk themed dates like going to concerts in matching outfits and defacing public property together <3 Also Percy has the cocky flirt punk guy thing you usually see in male characters who are but it's a Lex exclusive

[jev-sweethearts-best-sprout-mole]

I just need to rant about how much I love sweetheart (and it'll be very messy because I'm not even gonna bother to make this post have a sense of order, I'm just gonna type how my thoughts come out). Be warned that this includes heavy self-ship thoughts, so there will be quite a bit of that insanity here.

Like holy shit. I love this fictional woman so much she is so pretty and so cute and so silly and so funny and so cool and oh my god I love her so so so much /r. I am in love with this fictional woman that were she to be real, she'd kill me on the spot. But that's okay! Anything for Sweetheart! I don't know if cis people can use the term gender envy but if not, I feel something similar to it towards Sweetheart specifically. I really want to dress like her so bad. I want to have a huge pink bow. I want to have long pink hair. I want a big puffy pink blouse and pink high heels. I want pink fingernails. I might not be opposed to dressing like some of her other outfits. Sweetheart is singlehandedly making me more feminine. And yes I am 100% certain I'm a cis male, she's lowering my masculinity anyways. I love her so much I want to be like her in some ways. If she were to be real and not kill me somehow I would want to be her greatest friend and do everything for her and if she'd let me, I would want to date and marry her too. Waaaaaaa I love her so fucking much how did a fictional woman who is an objectively bad person manage to do this to my brain who is aromantic. She singlehandedly turned me fictoromantic. I have so many thoughts about her being real and the things she would likely do to me and let's just say that despite what those Things would be I would Enjoy it. I am very very normal I promise I am so normal. And if both she and Molly were to be real. Well first and foremost I would love if they dated so my ship could be real because ahhhh they're so cute together but second of all if Sweetheart were to fit in my headcanon of her potentially being polyamorous, I would like to also date her. And since my fictoromantic crush only extends to Sweetheart, not Molly, and I also believe Molly to be a lesbian anyways, not bi, I would like to maybe just have our relationship (Molly and I) be best friends or qpr at best (I still really love Molly too but that's all platonic love. Not romantic like with Sweetheart) and we both date and marry Sweetheart maybe. And again I still do love Molly platonically, I would love to be her friend she's still my 3rd favorite fictional character of all time after all. Okay that's my crazy self-shipping rant over feel free to make fun of me because I am very aware that I am a bit insane about Sweetheart.

[fandomjumper247]

folks, I think I am a lesbian.

I have been hesitant to say this, because I am genderfluid and sometimes my gender is male, so "what if I'm screwing over the Real Lesbians by being male sometimes?"

But honestly, I really don't think I'm attracted to men, and the thought of being a lesbian feels good. I have literally had to remind myself that I'm "attracted to men"

And I don't hate men ofc. I have plenty of friends who are men. I just don't want to date any of them.

I've had strong feelings for men before, but I think that was gender envy bc I know for sure that I'm not cis.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm dumping this here, but I'm doing it anyway.

[adhbabey]

Trans stories are cute and sweet but I feel like someone plucked me from a gay little indie horror game and put me in the real world. Because I feel like someone headcannoned me with 15 different genders and put it in a me sandwich.

Like. Trans people experienc tumultuous and hard stories, often with nice endings. It's simple. It's real. A lot of trans people don't think twice about it.

But me? It still doesn't feel real. I don't want to transition, so I don't see myself as trans. But oh, god. My gender sometimes feels like a survival horror game.

Im not cis, I'm not trans, I'm something else. And sometimes it's really easy to be a girl, but sometimes I look in the mirror and just hate what I'm wearing and hate that I have to go out to be someone else.

Im perpetually not here. If it was simple, I'd get to call myself trans and be done with an ordeal of my identity. But I can't view myself that way. It doesn't work like that. It's not a choice to be so complicated.

Im not saying being trans is easy. I'm just in envy of a life where you can face the world knowing who you are, regardless of your struggles and situation.

I just can't be pink, blue and white. I'm the whole goddamn rainbow, and when all those colours become one, it turns black. I wish it was white. The stripe to represent me.

[none-of-your-biscuits]

*transes your blorbos for my personal benefit*

Cat duo au

Nonbinary (They/them) Adrien and genderfluid (he/she) Juleka

Juleka has been pretty androgynous most her life, so once he realize he preferred to be perceived certain ways it wasn't that big of a deal at home. That being said, she had experience in in presenting himself as a genderless entity.

Adrien lowkey gets gender envy from Juleka.

When Juleka learns about Adrien's identity she's really laid back about it and Adrien is like "????" because they are having a crisis.

Juleka does his make-up differently depending on how he's feeling, but its usually never picked up by anyone other than Luka and Rose and later Adrien.

When Juleka can't tell if its a boy or girl day she'll ask Luka (or Adrien if they had a sleep over) to flip a coin and decide for him.

Juleka doesn't teach Adrien how to do their makeup, instead watches youtube tutorials with them. I feel like Adrien has some prior knowledge of makeup because of modeling but they don't fully grasp the process or how to make it look a certain way.

Adrien tells Juleka the crabby patty secret formula to altering the super hero suit so she can look more masculine if she feels like it.

Juleka gets a slight undercut that is very visible when he transforms because her hair is in a ponytail. When Adrien knows Juleka is feeling more masculine they will call him tiger instead of tigress. Some fans catch on, some don't.

Rose likes to pet Juleka's undercut.

When Juleka realized she was genderfluid he was also praising the universe that Rose was panromantic.

Anarka: "Oh, daughter o' mine-" Juleka: "son" Anarka: "Oh, son o' mine-"

Natalie, walking in on Adrien cutting Juleka's hair while in a skirt: "... you're going to clean that up..., right?"

Also, once Chloe joins their sleep overs, deep late night talks lead her to realize she might not be entirely cis. They also lead Juleka to believing he has the power to steal people's gender.

Adrien never really comes out. Once Marinette and Rose pick up on Juleka only ever using they/them for Adrien they both start doing it somewhat subconsciously. After that the class catches on.

Chat has done patrol with the nonbinary flag around their shoulders. Same with tigress, but the genderfluid flag. (I almost typed Panthera instead of tigress)

Anyways, I think I'm done with asks for the night.

G'mornin/G'night.

.

JOKES ON YOU!!! I ALSO TRANS MY BLORBOS FOR MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT

Ur so correct for this actually

Juleka gender fluid is so real and true. Also I planned nb adrien so long ago and just never said it get out of my head

(Ps. I also always say Panthera and then just redo it into tigress. Panthera has a grip on a specific group of people that will never leave)

Also. Chloe has demigirl swag I will not accept any contradictions I am correct

ALSO JULEKA UNDERCUT canon. Like I'm pretty sure I can dig up a convo with cap I had abt that when crocoduel came out Bc we are deranged

I also

physically wheezed from krabby patty secret formula to changing the suit

Pov. I accidentally ignored all my asks yesterday because I was listening to the Magnus archives season 1 for the first time and playing Minecraft

[grimacingheron]

At this very moment, I just finished reading "Hell Followed With Us" by Andrew Joseph White and I am vibrating. Dawg, the beautiful and viseral feeling of becoming a monster, being a queer person, and trying to fight against an evil church and your own want to maul everyone.

(I also finished it just under two days. This is me humble bragging.)

While I suggest this book, it's important to know that is does have some content warnings you should be aware of(none of which is really talk about for the rest of this post). "Hell Followed With Us" does contain a lot of talk about Christianity, churches, and the immoral use of religious beliefs. The book graphically describes gore, violence and diseases. Just be sure you know what you're gettin' into. :)

Potentially mild(very mild) spoilers about the book below. I'm not specific about events, it's mostly just my opinion and vague references to what I'm talking about.

I love Benji, the main character, because, so far in my Real Book™️(physical book) reading experience, Benjamin is the first character I've read to get close to understanding how I feel about my body and my identity. I am not a man. I am consider myself trans because of how I understand the word. I have transitioned from who I was to who I am now. I am very masculine in my presentation and like to be perceived that way, but it's not what I am. I think it's just easier. Anyway, Andrew(author) describes Benji as not really caring about the size of his meager chest or other feminine-seeming features until he thinks of someone else seeing his body that way. The author does such a good job of describing that, which would make sense considering the fact that White is a trans man himself. I love how he describes Benji's transness. Putting to words feelings I know I've had.

Cormac was probably my second favourite next to Nick, of course. I know Cormac was kinda dickish, but he showed he genuinely cared in other ways. Unlike Calvin, who I totally didn't occasional confuse with Cormac. I like Cormac. And Salvador. Sal's attitude toward Cormac was funny and xe were just a really good, really genuine character. The neo-pronouns are also a pog. >:)

The monsters. I fucking love birds and wings on people and the idea of angels being these fucked up creatures. The gender envy I get from a fictional(that's important) person-turned-monster. It's fucked up in a way cis-people'll stare at me for, but also in a way that other people who want to "sharpen their teeth and bite(quote from note at the beginning of the book)" will sagely nod at. This book is, ironically, the gospel of how I feel some days. Angry at the world, at people, uncomfortable in myself because what people see, what they think. It's nice to be seen in such a way. I know that somewhere, other people feel like monsters, too. Either by choice or forced that way.

Beaded lizards. :) I have one that I made with a friend before I ever read the book. They had which is why they had the idea. Mine's smallish, only the length of my palm, with a green body and yellow eyes and toes. It's a nice weight to hold and it's floppy- slinky. I can't remember if I named the lizard or not. I don't think it needs one. If I had more beads, I'd probably make more lizards, but that's an art supply I don't need filling my drawers.

If you want to talk about this book or give me recommendations on what to read next, send me an ask or something. :) I'd love to hear from literally anyone else who's read this book. Thank you.

[marmorafarms]

I don't know where to talk about this or who to talk to about this so it's going here. I told some people in a server I'm in that I feel very firm in being a cis woman...except I don't want my junk. i don't want a vagina a uterus ovaries, none of that. I want a dick. That's what I want.

I got told I have penis envy and that I'm most definitely cis, just a cis woman with penis envy.

But that's a Freudian idea. Penis envy has long been said to have no place in modern society. I didn't say that though, I didn't really want to get into a potential argument. I don't know what to think about my gender ID. They said, essentially, that genitals have nothing to do with gender, so wanting different genitals doesn't have anything to do with my gender.

They happen to be trans, but I'd like to hear from other people in the trans community as well. Is penis envy real? Is this something that's super common? Or is this something not so cis?

[sentientgopro]

Hey y'all, not exactly active on here, especially when talking about myself, but I really need to get some shit off my chest right now. I had a couple realisations yesterday that culminated in some shit I never thought I would be saying or thinking.

I never thought I could be anything but straight. I liked women, so I mustve been straight. Im definately an advocate for everyone giving their gender true consideration, even when most will come out the other side cis, and confidently so, as did I.

Then I realised I didn't like women in the way most straight guys do. Afer clearing up some prior misconceptions about Aromanticism and asexuality, I realised those two labels fit me perfectly. But sometimes I wonder why I still feel a certain way about girls. There's just something about the way they look that's appealing to me, even if I dont find girls attractive...

Oh shit. That wasn't attraction. That was envy.

So that train of thought kind of went from 0 to 10 real fucking fast. This realisation brought to my attention feelings that Ive had for a good while, but have passed off as r/196 induced brainrot. Besides, and this is the biggest thing that stopped me realising this earlier, I dont feel that who I am now is wrong. I look in the mirror, and I see myself. But I've only recently kinda grasped the concept that being trans isn't all about dysphoria, having dysphoria is not always the way to tell. Although I dont think being a man is wrong, fucking hell, being a girl would be much better. And it feels so fucking weird actually typing that.

But what I'm saying is, atleast for the time being, I could manage to just not do anything. Which is for the better seeing as my parents would start screaming at me for saying anything remotely in the direction of being an ally. And I live on TERF Island. Transitioning would be an absolute pain in the ass, especially right now, so it kinda feels like why bother when the way I am doesnt really feel wrong. Transitioning could be quite dangerous and have big risks, it kinda just feels like I dont need that shit in my life, Im already running on fumes and a list of people I need to outlive. I usually hold a mindset of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but this usually applies to binary things, like if my team wins using the same strat a few times in a row in CS, "Do it again, ain't broke, don't fix", but this is not nearly as binary as that, this isn't a win/loss.

Something that is both comforting and a little concerning is that no matter what, there is atleast a 2 year hold on this. I should be able to go to uni after that and start living my own life, but as of right now, doing something like transitioning is NOT an option. Ive got a 2 year long planning phase and Ive kinda just been taking stock tbh. I don't think "that" period of my life hit too hard, Im still skinny (Yeah, ik skinny =/= feminine but its better than being buff imo) kinda fuckin tall, if my growth follows the same as my brother did which it is so far Im gonna be like 6'3 by the end of that 2 years (6'1 now) so thats probably gonna be more of a mild annoyance than a genuine problem. My voice varies ALOT, I can have a pretty damn low voice, and a bit of a higher pitch, it naturally varies, I normally find I talk in a higher pitch when I'm happier and lower when Im trying to appear more... normal? idk, theres probably somrthing to think about in that.

Honestly idk, theres no real end point to this, I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. As much as I never saw myself being in this position, I use r/196, play ULTRAKILL, and Study Computer Science and want to continue it as a career path, cmon, it was only ever a matter of time, this was inevitable.

[self-loving-vampire]

This is unrelated to the last topic, but one of the earlier asks reminded me of something I wanted to talk to you about.

Part of the reason I've ended up in somewhat of a relationship with several fractal-like versions of myself (I called them sub-personas earlier; I'm not sure there's an official term because they're not fully autonomous, so I don't consider them tulpas or myself a plural system, but barring my unwillingness to fully commit and create something with more agency than a character, they/I very well could be) is certainly a coping mechanism to safeguard against losing someone I become invested in again,

but it also has some interesting effects, chief of which is that the barrier between what characteristics (both physical and personality, but mostly the latter) I find attractive in a hypothetical partner and those I either like about myself or wish that I had has almost entirely broken down.

This in turn results in interesting feelings; For the sake of easy comparison, I simultaneously envy your role as a reanimated doll, and your master's role of taking care of someone forever.

Also, and I'll tell literally no one else this, I'm fairly certain at least part of me is a girl. I'm amab, and I love who I am as a person, including 90-ish% of my physical characteristics. No dysphoria. But all of the personas I've fallen in love with, which in turn are derived from myself and compose my idealized self-image, are girls.

I doubt I'll ever transition for a number of reasons, but I read an article once that made me realize that just because I don't intend to, it doesn't make that part of me any less real. Long before I developed my current mindset I chalked my feelings up to being a guy with an interest in so-labeled "girly" things like dolls/long hair/wedding veils/etc, and saw nothing wrong with that, and I still don't, but I can't deny the possibility that on some level I've always been a girl.

Literally anyone else, including my best friend, who understands me better than anyone other than myself, would write these feelings off as me just being a cis straight guy rather than a lesbian trans girl, but I honestly don't feel like either. I don't even feel nonbinary or genderfluid per se really...

I just feel like me, like I always have, only now my "male" body and frame of reference is a vessel for a mind full of several lesbians who love me and each other, and are somewhat also me. I think your idea of not being tethered to a given physical body and being able to design/change my body(/-ies) as I see fit would probably work best for me.

On the other hand I could just as easily be perfectly content if gender and gendered roles and associations didn't exist in the first place. At the very least it would be less complicated to explain lol.

At any rate you're the only one I can trust with this information, because your combination of values, personality traits, and relatability render you uniquely qualified, and as ever, being pseudo-anonymous online helps.

Sounds like you have a really interesting mind, anon!

Reading through what you were describing, I was thinking something like "It sounds like being an infomorph with an easily customizable avatar or something might be ideal for you". It seems we were both thinking something similar.

Once my secret organizations succeed in taking over the world, we will abolish gender and pursue fast, easy, and reversible body modification as well.

[vgilantee]

gender envy is so real right now why can't i look like that :/

https://pin.it/5wL5ZlF

no but so real!! why was i born afab?! i could have been such a prety guy!! i have three brothers! three!! (one is an older half brother, another died in infancy. one is 18 and started uni and doesn't know how to use deodorant...) and here i am!! afab!! what the fuuck is that!?

i'm going to spare you all from my gender rambling bullshit but basically if i were born a guy? would be cis and not non-binary. i know this for a fact

[butchpeace]

Heyyy I hope it's okay that I message you. I just can't talk to anybody about this topic...

I felt a little down and wanted to lift up my mood by searching for anime art references and draw a little. Problem is that I didn't found the aesthetic I wanted or more like I found it but it's "femboy" and that was the aesthetic that triggered my gender dysphoria and it still kinda does. I searched for similar aesthetic but for girls like "femgirl" but it's just not the same and that actually made my mood worse...

I really do like the aesthetic but I just can't look at it anymore because it gives me "gender envy"? But it's not the gender. It's just the aesthetic!

I also saw a reddit post about the same problem and the first comment was "You may be trans*! :)" And that's so frustrating! I was there and know how it felt like or still kinda do and that people just assume that stuff because "a CiS gIrL cAn'T bE a FeMbOy" frustrates me even more...

(It was the same as "I don't like being a woman" "You may be trans*! :)" and that's just not true. I hate being a woman but that's normal like gender dysphoria is normal. I'm Cis and still have to deal with gender dysphoria and that's okay. It's not nice but it's normal!)

That was also why my gender dysphoria got worse. But "Femboy" is also an aesthetic (Like Punk can be a clothing style, a music style but also a political orientation) and it's also normal for girls to like this kind of aesthetic even tho there isn't a "female" version.

I don't know what to do with this struggle and of course there are bigger problems in the world but my best coping skill became my worst trigger point. It kinda feels like that this aesthetic was my drug and now I need to recover but I just don't know how...

Maby any tips?

I think everyone sometimes wishes they could be someone else, or that they could be something that’s impossible for them to be. It’s completely normal, especially as a young person! And it’s especially normal now that we have social media and the internet showing us all these different aesthetics and things to be jealous of.

I don’t want to diminish this at all - your feelings are important - but my advice is honestly to spend less time online and less time in spaces that have content that triggers you. Keep making art, but maybe focus on drawing the kind of women you want to see more of!

Anime has always done a pretty shitty job with its female characters. A lot of anime (maybe most of it) is downright sexist. Misogyny in media of any kind is what leads to young women not being able to connect with female characters. Your interest in femboy characters could stem from the fact that they’re feminine but not sexualized. They’re respected as men while being able to express themselves femininely. But what we see in the media isn’t real life. By definition, it’s someone’s fantasy. Just some food for thought 💛