#i'm accepting that fact i might be insane forever after this

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being kind and civil with people who drive me insane?

So this is something that happens all the time and it's a pattern so to save your time, I'll only mention the one incident which that I got called out for several times, it's starting to make me think I might be TA.

I (34F) work in a grocery store. Maddy (???F) works in the security department and is in charge for looking through our grocery to ensure we didn't steal anything (our workplace is uncomfortably strict about this since many employees have stole in the past) She is very rude, I never liked her. She makes me so uncomfortable a lot because she yells all the time. At everyone. She never realized how offensive she is.

Anyway, sometimes I'd walk past her after my shift forgetting that I'm carrying grocery bags etc and she'd yell at me to get back there. It's always embarrassing because anyone who witnesses that would most likely assume I'm a shoplifter because of the way she's yelling. She yells about other stuff too mind you, don't think I always forget the fact I'm carrying grocery. They don't allow us to bring our bags inside and we have to keep them in our locker (according to her, I never heard this elsewhere). She yells at me if I try to take my purse with me if I'm in a hurry. She says it's ~the rules~ and we need to follow them but like, she the only security staff who's this strict about it. The others don't even bother to check our groceries because they trust we don't shoplift and it's actually stupid because we could still shoplift anyway and hide the items in our pockets and they don't perform a body check anyway (they used to in the past but were legally required to stop because of Covid).

How do I deal with her though? Every time she'd yell, I reply to her very calmly and attempt small talk to absorb her anger. For example, if she's angry about my grocery, I'd show them to her and ask stuff like "what is you favorite brand of milk/bread/egg etc etc"

She does engage but it never made her actually stop and think about her behaviors for a single second. I have always stopped to chat with her whenever I can and she always speaks calmly when I do, but returns to yelling when I "break the rules" as she says.

But here's the thing. My patience is limited. I'm like a battery, if you keep charging me, I'll eventually explode. I planned remaining civil with Maddy forever, but enough is enough and I accidentally lashed out. I lashed out on her ONCE only, I yelled much louder than she did, for 30 minutes, lecturing her about work etiquette. She was so surprised and taken aback. She told me "where did this all come from?" Like she didn't see it coming? She seriously mistook my patience and tolerance of her behaviors for friendliness. And that was the last time we talked, I reported her to HR the next day because I don't think she'll ever get the memo, and that's when I learned thst so many employees have complained about her already but they can't fire her because she an outsource and has strong connections in her company, management has already talked to her numerous times but she just doesn't listen, so don't call me TA for not communicating, it doesn't work with her.

My friend Gloria (28F) and many others including our manager (F30s) told me I should've not been chatting with her, I should just ignore her and disengage. They think the fact I'm talking kindly to her will just make her assume she isn't doing anything wrong and encourage her to keep behaving like that, and that she'd think I want to be friends??? None of that is my intention. I just want to be civil to her to indirectly get her to realize her behaviors weren't acceptable. I'm setting a good example for her, to learn from me how she should treat people and soften her heart.

I was called TA because they said I didn't have to be civil with her if I knew I might eventually lash out (but lashing out isn't something I planned??), and I should've just avoided her and set boundaries. Gloria told me it's an AH move to go out of my way to interact to someone I despise when ignoring them is an option and that makes me two faced and makes the people around me wonder if I truly like them or I'm basically tolerating them, but this wouldn't happen if I they weren't rude in the first place?

BTW a similar thing eventually happened with Gloria because her attitude sucked with me and I lashed out eventually because enough is enough, she said she should've known not to trust me because of how I treated Maddy and I shouldn't have befriended her if I "hated" her so much. AITA?

[squoxle]

✏ TNAIT 003: Do. Not. Get. Attached l.at fanfic

✰ pairing: nerdy!bandboy!anton x cheerleader!fem!reader| ✰ wc: 2.9k | ✰ cw: profanity, angst, sexual themes, kissing | ✰ plot: your friends catch on to the fact that you might actually be falling for this nerd, but their reaction to it sends you on a wild mission to try and convince them otherwise... [Series Masterlist]

"So...how'd everything go with Ponytail?" Dongmin asked Chanyoung at the cafe, after his shift.

"It actually went alright. That cheerleader isn't too bad," he shrugged as he sat in the chair across from him.

"Did you make any progress?"

"With her assignments? Not really. We had a little incident and just ended up hanging out for a bit after that."

"Well, don't get too cozy, alright."

"What do you mean? You're the one who got me hooked up with her in the first place."

"I know man, but just be careful. Remember that we're a part of different worlds."

"So what? Are you trying to say she's out of my league?"

"I-I just don't want you to get your heart broken again..."

"What are you talking about. We literally just met."

"I know but--"

"You're acting like I proposed to her. We're just friends. Relax," he said before taking a bite of pizza. He picked some up for the two of them to eat here.

For the next few weeks, you continued to see him. First, it was only 3 days out of the week, but by now it had escalated to 5 days. Your feelings for him grew, but you had to keep your little crush a secret, at least for now.

"I'm telling you right now. Do. Not. Get. Attached," Xoey said. She decided to join you at the cafe today. "I can see it in your eyes that you like him more than you're letting on."

"Let's just say I do like him. Is it really that big of a deal?"

"Are you insane? You're literally just using him to get your grades up. Any type of romance is out of the question," Xoey snapped.

"Can you believe she hasn't given him anything to help her?" Abigail chimed in.

"Nothing?" her eyes widened. "Hmm...interesting. Do you think he likes her back?"

"Eww. He better fucking not," Abigail rolled her eyes. "I swear if these two ever start dating, I'd actually vomit..."

"He's really not that bad," you shrugged.

"They have so many hot guys on the football team that you could easily pull. Don't settle for that dork," Abigail spat. You knew very well that she meant every word she said.

"Relax! I don't even like him like that. I already told you, I'm just being his friend so he can pull my grades up," you spat.

"Wait, wait, wait! So let me get one thing straight," Xoey interjected. "You two have just been buddy-buddy this whole time? You've never slept with him? Not even once?"

"Nope."

"Anything sexual at all? Maybe even a kiss?"

"She hasn't opened anything but her laptop for that geek," Abigail sighed as you shook your head.

"Okay, well if you really don't like him and it's all about the grades how about you prove it to us by kissing Nicholas," Xoey smirked.

"Omg, he is so fine," Abigail nearly moaned at the meer thought of him.

"Yeah, I know. And a little birdie told me that he's been looking at our girl. So this is gonna be a piece of cake," she grinned folding her hands together.

"Oh and to make it even better, you have to tell him that you've liked him forever," Abigail added.

"In front of sweet little Channie," Xoey spat.

"Girls, this is ridiculous," you wailed. "I already said I don't like him. I'm just using him for my grades. I seriously only see him as a friend," you lied.

"Do it and we won't hunt down your fanboy and tell him that you couldn't care less about him," Xoey raised an eyebrow as she leaned over the table, lowering her voice.

"And that you're just using him for the semester," Abigail added. "You've already told us how you're just gonna drop him anyway. So why not rip off the band-aid now?"

"Fine, fine! I'll do it," you exclaimed. "But not in front of him...that'll be too awkward."

Maybe it was the peer pressure of wanting to be accepted that influenced your decision. But whatever it was, there was some damage control you had to do first.

"So, what are we working on today," Chanyoung smiled as you sat down next to him.

"Hmm... well I finished writing one of my English assignments last night. Maybe you could just look over it for me first and then we can work on something else."

"Alright," he nodded as you slid your computer over to him and began scrolling through the contents of your essay.

“Umm…Chanyoung?”

“You can just call me Chan. It sounds less…formal,” he smiled.

“Okay. Well, do you have anything planned this weekend?”

“No, not really. Why?” He asked, turning away from the screen to look at you.

“I was wondering if maybe…you wanted to go out with me. N-not like a date or anything,” you chuckled. “Just as friends.”

“Yeah sure. It’s not like I’m doing anything anyway.”

“Great!” You smiled. “How do you feel about a movie at…I don’t know…6?”

“Yeah, 6 sounds good,” he laughed, admiring how sweet you were with him. Even though you said this would be a friendly date, you wanted to be more than that with him.

So what if your friends don’t like him. They’ll just have to get over it. After all, you just had to kiss Nicholas one time. It's not like you were signing yourself over in marriage, right?

"Well, umm...let's get back to studying and maybe we can hang out before you go to practice," he said, returning to the screen.

After cheer practice, Abigail dropped you off at home as usual. You waved to your parents and went straight to your room to clean yourself up for the night.

"Honey," your mom's voice called when you were in the bathroom. "When you're finished, your father and I would like to have a talk with you."

"Okay, I'm almost finished," you replied, before you heard her footsteps trail down the hall.

You had a very good feeling about what this conversation would be about. Lucky for you, you had the right answer.

"How are your grades looking?" your father asked as you sat on the couch.

"I'm actually doing a lot better," you nodded.

"Can you go get your laptop so I can see how they've improved?" he asked.

"Sure," you said before leaving the room. This conversation was just about as stale as you expected it to be. "Here it is," you turned the laptop to him, revealing your grades.

Politics — 85.97%

English — 94.81%

Math — 78.12%

Geography — 89.54%

"I have a few more assignments due this week that should bring my grades up even more," you smiled.

"This is great!" you mother chimed.

"I know we put a lot of pressure on you, but it's because we want you to succeed. I'm just glad to see that you're taking action on your own," your father began. "Without a tutor," he added.

You knew that wasn't completely true, but it's the lie you had to tell to keep everyone happy.

"Thanks," you said, closing the computer.

"Oh, before you go I wanted to address an issue," your father said as you were about to walk away. "I'm sure you've noticed by now that I froze your cards. Well, since you're obviously doing better I think you've earned that privilege back."

"Wow...I've never seen my dad so proud of me," you thought to yourself. "Then again, I've never let my grades drop like this."

"Goodnight, honey and keep up the good work," your parents smiled before you walked back to your room.

You wished that Chan was in your room right now so you could hug him. He's taken so much pressure off that you've even completed some of the assignments on your own. Meeting up with him has forced you to delegate time to your studies and giving him your login information was one of the best choices you made.

The next day at practice, you walked in to see one of your cheer mates in tears.

"What's going on?" you whispered to Janice. Abigail and the other girls were busy trying to console her.

"Word got out that Reina had been sleeping with another student to help her pass classes. Which is obviously a breach of the student code of conduct," she sighed leaning against one of the red lockers.

"So what's gonna happen to her?"

"Well, she's being suspended for the rest of the semester and will have a zero in all her courses, effective immediately. On top of that, she'll be on academic probation. Meaning, she'll be kicked from the cheer squad until she can complete a semester on her own with a GPA of 2.5 or higher."

You thought about the situation you were in right now. "That could've easily been me," you thought to yourself as you looked down at your feet. "If my parents ever found out about my little rendevous with Chanyoung they'd never trust me again..."

"Chanyoung," you gasped as you bumped into him in the halls.

"Heh, I didn't expect to see you here," he smiled.

"Well, it was nice seeing you Ponytail. But we kinda got somewhere to be," Dongmin spat as he grabbed onto Chanyoung's arm.

"Oh sorry, I wasn't trying to hold you up," you replied.

"No, it's alright. We were just going to grab something to eat before heading over to my place," Chanyoung said, turning back to you. "You can join us if you want."

"No, she can't," Dongmin interjected. "I'm sure she has something else to do."

"Dude--"

"No, he's right," you smiled, cutting him off. "I was just on my way to meet up with the girls. But maybe next time?"

"Yeah, definitely," he smiled, which just made Dongmin roll his eyes. "Oh, we're still on for this weekend right?"

"Yeah, totally," you chimed before jogging off to catch up with your friends.

"Eh hm? This weekend? What are you doing with her this weekend?"

"None of your business," Chan teased.

"What do you mean none of my business? You wouldn't even be talking to her if it weren't for me."

"Okay? I don't even see how that matters right now," Chan scoffed.

"Because you're falling for Ponytail and I can tell. I thought you didn't like cheerleaders. I guess everything's different now that you're holding hands with one?"

"Pft, what!?"

"Don't start playing dumb. It's written all over your stupid ass face. Every time she comes around and every time you talk about her you have that dumbass grin."

"Okay? So, what?"

"So you admit it? You do like her?"

"Yeah, I do. What's wrong with that?"

"She's so out of your league it isn't even funny."

"We're not in high school anymore. We can date whoever we want. Cliques don't exist here."

"Yes, they fucking do, but ever since you've been working for that high-strung cheering ditz you haven't been able to think straight."

"This is so fucking stupid. I'm not doing this with you, okay."

"The old you would've never been so blind."

"What are you talking about?"

"That bitch is two-faced as fuck," Dongmin spat.

"Whatever, man. You're just saying that because you're jealous."

"Jealous? God, you sound so much like those cock sucking sluts," Dongmin shook his head. "Wait, I just remembered that you're not even getting that from her, huh?" he chuckled. "She's just using you. She can't even bring herself to have romantic feelings for you. She's just pretending to be your friend so you can keep being her lovestruck slave."

"If you're gonna keep acting like that, I'd rather you just shut the fuck up."

"What? You don't believe me?"

"Fuck no and I'm honestly tired of hearing you bitch."

"Fine, you can go back to living out your little fantasy, but don't come crying to me when you find out I'm right."

"I think I'm gonna go home on my own tonight," Chan shook his head before walking off, leaving Dongmin behind. "See ya tomorrow, man."

"Yeah...later..."

Remembering the dare from yesterday you decided to go find Nicholas and "confess" to him. This really just meant setting up a situation where a kiss wouldn't seem so awkward. You just weren't really the type to randomly put your lips on someone.

"Hey, Nick," you smiled as you approached him in the hallway.

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Well...I heard from someone that you've been looking at me," he smirked as he anticipated the next thing you were gonna say. "So..."

"So?"

"So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out this weekend?"

"Umm lemme just check my schedule real quick," he chuckled, pulling out his phone to swipe his thumb across the screen. "Yep, this weekend sounds perfect. I'll pick you up at 5, okay."

"5?"

"Yeah, I have football practice until 3:45 and I still gotta shower and stuff."

"Oh...okay. Well, 5 sounds good," you smiled feinly.

"Alright, well I'll have to catch up with you later. I think you already have my number so if you wanna talk tonight we can," he smirked before pulling you in for a hug.

"Okay, I'll try to call you tonight if I'm not too busy," you said as he hugged you one more time before jogging to high-five the group of boys that waited at the other end of the hall.

As much as you wanted to see Chanyoung today, he was busy taking care of something with his brother. This gave you a little more time to bond with Nicholas...or Nick as you liked to call him.

"Hey, ____," Nicholas waved as he walked into the courtyard. "I got out of practice early today. If you're not busy did you wanna catch up a bit now?"

"Yeah, sure," you smiled.

One thing your friends didn't know was that you had a past with Nicholas. The two of you went to school together from Pre-K to 5th grade--middle school is when you both went your separate ways.

Though you never moved, Nicholas' father was stationed outside of the country. Fate had it that the two of you reconnected.

You thought back to the time he gave you a candy ring for your "wedding" in 1st grade. Even though you were just kids, it still felt so special.

It really sucked when he moved away that summer, but he made sure to send you a card on your birthday every year.

"Okay, so I have one question," he began as he walked beside you.

"What's that?"

"Did you really wanna go out with me? Or is this part of some master plan?"

"Uhh, why would you think that?" you scoffed.

"Come on, ____. I'm not stupid. I know when someone's trying to jerk me around."

"He always was quick," you thought to yourself. "Okay, fine."

"Yup, I knew it," he chuckled. "So what was it? A dare? A competition?"

"It was a dare...some of the girls from my squad think I like this guy--"

"Well are they right?"

"Yeah, but they don't really approve of him."

"So what? If you like him and he's a great guy who cares what your friends think?"

"Hmm...yeah I guess you're right."

"Ooooof course I am."

"Well, I still gotta do the dare...I already agreed to it."

"Okay," he laughed. "But what exactly do you have to do?"

"You're not gonna like this...."

"Just tell me."

"I have to kiss you..."

"That's it?"

"And tell you that I've liked you forever," though you were dared to say this, at one point (before you got to know Chanyoung) that was true.

"Easy-peasy," he smiled before pulling your in by your waist for a kiss.

"Nick!" you exclaimed as he burst out into laughter.

"Relax, I just wanted to get a reaction out of you," he smiled. "Here, I'll do it properly this time," he leaned in before gently placing a kiss on your lips. "How's that," he asked.

"Much better, but you can do it on my cheek next time," you tapped the plush of your cheek.

"Like this?" he playfully pecked your cheek.

"Yes!" you laughed. "You're enjoying the hell out of this and I know it," you smiled as he wrapped his arm around you.

"I'll drop you off at home tonight."

"Hmm? Why?"

"Well I kinda wanna go raid the gas station and I think I'd like you to be my partner in crime. I mean it's only fair. After all you're just using me to complete a dare."

"Hmm, okay. Well, let's get started now," you smiled as he walked you to his car.

"Hey," Chanyoung said dryly.

"Look, I know you don't wanna hear this, but there's something you gotta know about Ponytail."

"What is it now," he sighed.

"Earlier today, I saw her getting all gushy over this jock. And I don't mean some silly conversation. I saw them kissing. She's duping you, man."

Chanyoung sat in silence for a short while before finally speaking again. "You're not gonna stop, are you?"

"What are you talking about, Chan? I just gave you proof."

"No, what you gave me was some more bullshit stories you sat around concocting all day."

"Dude, I--"

"I don't wanna argue about this again, okay. Just drop it already."

"Chan..."

"Forget it...I'm going to sleep."

Later that night, after Nicholas dropped you off, you laid across your bed, staring up at the ceiling as you though to yourself...

"How the hell am I gonna be in two places at once?"

Thanks for reading the second episode of my series. [Series Masterlist]

Click this link to go to my main masterlist and stay tuned for the next episodes.

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[insertsomthinawesome]

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense but how do you… art? Like from looking at your art, there’s just so many different fandoms and it’s all fantastic!! How do you not stick to one or feel like you *have* to stick to one? Sorry

Aw Friend! No need to apologize! :D You asked your question plenty politely! That's a really interesting question actually, and I'm fascinated to be asked it! Because I actually do know the kinda thing you're talking about! or at least I have experiences that feel like they line up with what you're asking. A lot of its... growing up? I guess? And not in the sense of like. becoming an adult. but the non-stop process of growing and learning more about life. When I was younger, an actual child, I just Did it. I drew whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn't question hoping to a new interest or drawing different fandoms. I just did it. But the older you get the more complicated a lot of things get right? 😔 That was true for me.

I actually spent several years terrified, of moving on. Of leaving old fandoms behind. There was one fandom I actually forced myself not to leave for like... 2 years? Because I was afraid of all the projects I wouldn't complete, all the stories I wouldn't tell, all the art i wouldn't make. But honestly that was a horrible decision? It burnt me out of the specific fandom SO BADLY. Its only been around this last year that I've been able to enjoy things around it again without an overhanging shadow of stress.

I was still scared to fandom hop after that incident tho. Despite having gotten burned by caving to my own fears. It wasn't until I got into Trigun that I actually started to get less scared. A friend I met in that fandom, someone who was older than me, told me that... things have a way of coming back around. If you know the song "Everything Stays" From Adventure time? She said it was like that song. You will inevitably get older. But these things won't be gone. And you can always come back to them :) That clicked in my brain... and it took a bit longer, a bit more time of accepting that fact for me to find peace... but honestly? I kinda have now. At least for this moment in time. I wouldn't be surprised if the fear comes back around again, fear is funny and insidious like that. But I have the tools to beat it now :) The other two things I would mention are these: For starters: this might be obvious? But I'm a hobbyist artist. I don't make money off of my art, I don't sell it, I don't need numbers or clout in order to pay my bills. I'm completely free to do my own thing! Ain't nothing wrong with making a living off of your artwork and if that's the path that you want to walk GO FOR IT. But that path does have its own challenges. Because I don't walk that path, I am free to make whatever I want, without worrying about how it might reflect on my finances. The other thing is...

PERFECTIONISM...

THIS, NASTY LITTLE VILE COCKROACH, WILL RUIN YOUR ART LIFE SO BADLY ITS INSANE. It will ruin your NORMAL life super fast too 😔 it is an insidious little shoulder devil telling you, that you will be happier if you just do it the "perfect" way. IT IS SO SO SO SO SO SO WRONG. That is the key to the door of endless procrastination and broken dreams. SFLJSLF to get less metaphorical about it though: If you're always waiting for the perfect moment to make art for a fandom, to leave a fandom, to join a fandom (in this case i just mean "Get into the thing that interests you" when I say "Fandom") or create literally anything, you will be waiting forever. I know because i have been :') And its made it very hard to draw both in my past, and right now this very day.

Truthfully i'm still working on that one??? I've had some epiphanies recently that have helped a lot with my perfectionism... but I haven't tried drawing since having them? (drowning in the new Honkai Star Rail Patch WHEEZE) So uh. Not sure If I'm over that hill yet xD But yeah, if that's one piece of advice i could give you to take seriously, its don't chase perfection, in ANYTHING. Especially art. It will never be enough for you. And if you're doing it for other people, it will never be enough for them. Art is wonderful and messy, and human. And that is okay.

Its taken me a lot of soul diving and thinking and a lot of help from outside influence and kind people for me to figure this stuff out too. So don't feel bad to ask for help kay? We all need help. A lot xD I'm still not like, the king this stuff either. There are a lot of smaller, more niche, fandoms, I want to draw for, but still haven't, because of my own anxiety and embarrassment. There are fandoms I haven't drawn for because I don't feel like i have the adequate amount of information to be, ""allowed"" too (which is totally a fake standard btw, there is no barrier to entry for when you're "allowed" to draw something). I'm working on these problems every day.

Oh actually one last note: People can influence how hard it is for you to draw for a bunch of fandoms too. If you know you'll get made fun of for drawing something, its hard to draw. If you know you'll get praised for drawing something, sometimes that makes it easier to draw. Both of those things can mess you up BAD. Constantly drawing for other people (when its not a deliberate gift) can make you feel really upset and angry, and dissonant with your artwork.

But it can be equally as hard to realize nobody will share your enthusiasm if you don't draw what they like. That's not a judgement against anybody's friendships, we all got our own interests, and nobody can be 100% Invested in everything their friends enjoy. But It can make it a bit more emotionally challenging sometimes. And it can be hard to like?? Emotionally deal with that? in a way it makes art that you know will perform well, either with your friend group or online, like... "Candy". Its tastes good, but it doesn't give you long term energy (ie there's nothing wrong with it, but its not sustainable as your only form of sustenance) Meanwhile making art that is purely self indulgent is like eating a full and healthy meal. It gives you that long term energy of personal satisfaction, and your enjoyment and happiness also doesn't inherently hinge on whether or not other people appreciate it like you do. Obviously there's no issue if what you genuinely want to draw would also do well online/with your friends!

ANYWAYS, yeah, I'm still maturing and learning and growing with a lot of my opinions and perspectives and emotions on this stuff? Its definitely easier said than done, and while from the outside it looks effortless... I understand why you'd be struggling anon. I hope you can figure it out for yourself too! Best of luck :D also i could go on and on and on about this topic for years because alsjdfaksjdflJSDJGSD ooohhhhhhh boy I have learned and witnessed and thought many a thunk.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Okay, just got back from Wakanda Forever. Spoilers after the cut. Just one thing everyone needs to know: there's a post-credit scene after the first credits but nothing after the long ones. Don't wait.

Today I was reminded of why I became a fan of Marvel years ago. I have a few nitpicks but overall the movie is pretty great, Shuri is absolutely AMAZING throughout the entire film and this was a worthy sequel to the first one.

First things first, the funeral of T'Challa was handled beautifully: as a celebration. Of him, of life, of what he represented. It was beautiful and heartbreaking but so, so lovely. The entire film is a love letter for him.

Shuri is astounding and I really like how they handled her character throughout the entire story. First, after the loss of her brother she's mostly suppressing everything, probably still in shock and hiding behind her work. Then, after her mother's death she wants vengeance and towards the end... she finds acceptance. Love it.

Oh that's another thing, we see so many women in this movie. Each of them with their own story, it truly was a joy to watch. This is what feminism is truly about, Marvel. Women with their own arcs, personalities, agency, strength shown in a million different ways and partnerships with other men. GIVE US MORE OF THIS.

One nitpick is they spent too much time underwater. I would have preferred that time spent in Wakanda instead.

Namor's character is okay (I'm a Spaniard so I'll keep certain... thoughts... to myself). The hypocrisy in his actions and thoughts was clear and I gotta highlight the scene he has with one of his people after Shuri has spared his life.

I get hero movies do this thing where the good guy takes the high road and thinks not killing the villain makes them a better person or something. Ok fine, not a huge fan of that trope but whatever, it doesn't bother me all that much. What I LOVED about the movie is that they kept that scene of Namor where he's telling one of his kind that he's going to use this to their advantage, that his plans are still in play and he still wants to wage a war against the surface.

Films don't usually do that, they go the route of "villain sees the hero display goodness and he becomes good automatically". That's bullshit. I'm glad this one didn't do that.

I also loved the callbacks to CW with the line of "vengeance consuming" them.

I'm not a fan of how they handled Erik, though. I felt they somewhat... retconned his purpose in the first movie? Maybe it's just me but he wasn't doing it for the black people who live outside of Wakanda, he wanted a war and that was the excuse. The one who wanted to help others was Nakia. She did, in fact, and T'Challa followed suit.

Also, not a fan of how Namor assumes Wakanda doesn't have allies. I find it so, so hard to believe that a country as tech-advanced as them wouldn't have the entire southern hemisphere by their side. I get the feeling they might mean no one in the Western world would be on their side which is hard to believe but sure, I get it. The rest of Africa, though? I don't like the idea that Wakanda doesn't have allies. Hopefully in future installments they'll show that's not true.

And that post-credit scene... is Marvel collecting kids these days?

One more nitpick. When Ramonda demotes Okoye and effectively kicks her out of the Doras, I would have wanted to hear from her. She's a warrior who has devoted her entire life to Wakanda, and her demotion was completely unfair, I would have wanted her to defend herself.

I loved M'Baku in this one.

PS. I gotta say I was surrounded by the greatest audience you can possibly have. The Marvel intro only showed footage of Chadwick and the silence in the room was insane. You couldn't hear a damn thing. And in the end absolute silence during Rihanna's song as well. You always hear nightmare stories about people's behaviour in theatres but damn, today's audience was spectacular.

I almost forgot. i won't complain about this because I didn't see anyone marketing this movie as queer rep but there's one line where Ayo says "my love" to another woman. That's it. Marvel are so progressive, aren't they... 🙄

Overall, I'll give this one a 8/10. It's a good contained story that works wonders as a standalone (as far as sequels go that is, you need the first one), it takes the time to develop the main character and provides scenes for the audience to breathe. It certainly feeds into the longer narrative of the MCU universe but it doesn't waste time trying to keep the audience looking forward, you can pause and focus on the story on the screen, that's super refreshing to see in Phase Four.

Please Marvel, give us more of this.

[blog-of-hubris]

Choujin X Chapter 35 ~ To The Future..

Tokio flying to his training destination, Iwato. (It’s 10 days away by train.)

The newest chapter of Choujin X has become my favorite one in the series so far. Tokio’s coming of age story has been one of the best I have read in recent years, and I’m not surprised due to Sui Ishida being the mangaka. I’m just utterly impressed with how this chapter was handled, so bare with me as I express how GREAT this chapter was.

“Since I might try to lean on them again…”

The first thing I want to talk about is Tokio’s personal journey through this chapter, leading up to him leaving Yamato. All of it is somewhat bittersweet, as we see Tokio try to explain to his sister his idea to quit school – to no avail. She outright doesn't accept it, even talking to him in a condescending tone, throwing the fact she and his father pay his tuition. This type of attitude is a crucial enabler to Tokio's sense of self depreciation, and it was what kept him from being his true self.

This isn't to say that his sister doesn't want the best for him, nor doesn't want to support him; it shows that she never understood Tokio's true potential (neither did Tokio). Since his sister has not seen nor understand what Tokio has experienced in the past few months, it makes since she would be adamant against him quitting school.

I think what also makes this moment difficult for Tokio is that he doesn't want to scare his family. When his sister asks what he wants to do, he thinks of Zora, but doesn't say anything out loud. It's a heavy burden to tell your family you are leaving, but not be able to really explain why. It makes him look indecisive, and clueless to where his life is going, but it's quite the opposite. Everything Tokio has experienced since Ch 1 of Choujin X, has built him up for this moment.

Due to this difficulty, Tokio seeks some type of confirmation for his goals through Shiozaki, which represents Tokio's decision to stop relying on Azuma and Ely. He doesn't go to them to decide if he is really going to quit school; while he contemplates, the latter discuss if he's really going to leave between each other. I think it's incredible how Ishida is writing this trio and their dynamic. I won't say too much in this section, but Tokio's talk with Shiozaki showed that he no longer wants to lean on his friends. He wants to fly high on his own. I admire this in Tokio, because it shows how full circle he has come. I have so much more to talk about with Tokio's Growth, but I'll save that for a post of its own soon!

(The fact he wanted to go to where the choujin crime rate is at its highest is insane. Drastically different from what the tokio we were introduced to would do.)

Tokio's biggest weakness was his reliance on others. He has fully recognized that now and in a very sad moment, literally excludes his friends from his decision proves how serious he took this moment of training. He was not only prepared to train his powers, but his own personality as well. It was great seeing Tokio fly high in the sky towards his future, and also towards the person he always wanted to be.

(The conversation with his dad was amazing, and I want to talk about that as well, but I'd be rambling on forever, so I'm saving that for tokio's growth meta)

Azuma & Ely's Growth

Azuma & Ely (Timeskip)

The thing that surprised me the most about this chapter was the montage that showed Ely and Azuma's new dynamic. It is incredible that Ishida decided to take away dialogue for the second half of the chapter and just show a montage of their reaction to Tokio leaving and their decisions after. It adds heavy dramatization to every thing drawn, making you pay attention to every detail. Ishida's symbolism shines through with the bird's nest being drawn to represent the trio, but I feel like this montage showed us exactly what we needed to see to understand their growth.

Azuma takes Tokio's leave the hardest, seemly (makes sense) due to the bond that the two shared through their childhood. I think what really stings for Azuma is the deepening of Tokio's “difference”. I think Azuma has accepted that him and Tokio were made differently, however Azuma still longs to be a Hero with him. Azuma went from seeing Tokio as a secret rival (and his protector), to realizing that Tokio didn't need a hero. Now he wants to be by Tokio's side as he gets stronger, but Tokio cannot do that because of how strong his self depreciation is.

That's what makes Tokio's leave so bittersweet. You are proud his is growing, but you understand why it hurts Azuma and Ely. Azuma saying, “Is that something you can only do by quitting school?” shows that Azuma wanted Tokio to stay by his side. The truth is, Tokio does need to quit school to achieve this, because he isn't talented in the way that Azuma is.

Based on the way the montage was drawn, it seems to me that Ely and Azuma spent some time separate from each other initially after Tokio left. That was until Ely seemingly required help to study. I love seeing them become closer, developing a relationship with each other. It would suck for them to experience all of these crazy events, to treat each other like strangers.

(Not to mention the political campaign that was shown in the montage as well. It seemed like a huge thing in the aftermath of Omega Tower.)

Ely goes back to her hometown to speak to her grandfather then seemingly flies back to Yamato, a beautiful subtle parallel for Ely and Tokio's characters. We see Ely interested in buying a phone, so she gets a job at McDonald's (lol), and that's where she runs into Azuma again and the two hit it off like old friends. We even get a bit of the two doing martial arts training together, on top of seeing Azuma's ability to create a gun with his ability. I loved all of this, especially seeing Ely getting into some martial arts because her theft ability would be insane if she had strong martial arts skill behind it. (Not to mention what she can do with the smoke). Seeing her and Azuma looking like they have hit their young adult stage is giving me chills. It's hard for me to tell how much time has passed because they look like they've put years on, lol.

To The Future..

It is unclear to me how our trio will reunite after this separation period, but I'm extremely excited for it. So much has happened, and even more has happened off-screen. How will Azuma and Ely react to seeing Tokio again? But also, will the next chapter take us straight to a reunion, or will there be some time apart, so we can see Tokio's growth alone? I'm Ishida will have the perfect way to bring everything together.

Tell me what you thought about this chapter in the comments!!

[romanceforransom]

OK HEARTSTOPPER S2 THOUGHTS INCOMING

(spoiler warning ofc)

I love the fact we got to see so much more of the characters than we did in the comics. Like the Elle and Tao storyline was so much more fleshed out and there were more Tara and Darcy scenes too which was amazing

And the fact we got to see more about Darcy and her home life - however heart-breaking those scenes were I LOVED the way they were shot. Like the constant purple shadows compared to the bright yellows and pinks at Tara's (the lesbian flag compared to the straight flag/the implications of repression) will forever go insane over the colouring

The teachers storyline OMG, I adore Mr Ajayi and Mr Farouk they really just added so much to this season (and the friendship between Mr Ajayi and Miss Singh was adorable!!! Never knew I needed it but definitely did). I'm pretty sure that was the only story they got in the comics??? As far as I can remember... But I'm really hoping there is something more for them in the next season, since the side stories are getting more scenes.

SAHAR AND IMOGEN??????? Look I adore Imogen and I have been hoping for her to be sapphic (lost hope a bit when they did the ben plot) and the fact they might actually be doing it??? I'm not just being delusional right that was clearly setting them up? Like the whole 'token straight' thing SCREAMS being in the closet because I swear that happens to almost every person that constantly reiterates they are the token straight lmaoo. Then the cuddling after the party, and the HEARTSTOPPER MOMENT AT PROM!! Imogen literally getting heart eyes when she saw Sahar playing the guitar likeee

Also the way they all have different doodles for their heartstopper moments. The leaves for nick and charlie, butterflies for tao and elle, and musical notes for imogen and sahar <333

The aroace rep in this season was also everything. When the trailer came out and everyone was clinging onto that one clip of James and Isaac and hoping they would get together I was so worried about what was gonna happen (like I thought they would just make Isaac ace and not aro - which would have been fine ofc like that's valid!! but I don't think I've ever seen an (established) aro character in media before and having a character not in a relationship would be so good) so it was really nice that they actually did it. Tbh I was almost tearing up during Isaac's scenes because everything he was saying was something I've felt before still struggling with that tbh because the hopeless romantic in me doesn't want to be aroace?? if that makes sense?? idk i'm tryna deal with it but that's not the pointtt I'm just really happy Isaac got his moment, and really excited to see him fully embrace himself and be happy with who he truly is :')

And Nick and Charlie's storyline this season was so.. I just love them. They are so supportive of one another - and just one small thing I adore is how much they hug each other. Like not a lot of shows present a lot of physical affection besides the hand touching and pining before hand, and then just kissing. But they hug so much and just show their affection and love for one another and I really love that.

Also the way Charlie stood up for himself this season was just *chefs kiss*. For a character who has to be banned from saying the word 'sorry' it's so nice to see him be confident in himself and not just accept the first half hearted apologies that people give him. Like slamming the door on Harry, and actually telling Ben all the things he did that affected him. Like I wanted some violence tbh LMAOOO like the whole time Ben was practically begging for a slap, but those scenes were a good substitute. Also Ben's last scene where he steps away from all of the pride posters and rainbows... Heart breaking, but I can't feel too much sympathy bc being closeted still doesn't accuse assault and all of his general asshole behaviour, yknow??

AND TORI MY LOVEEE!!! never have i related to a character more omgg, like I kid you not every single one of her lines is something I would say/have said before. She is me I am her fr. And the phone kicking scene, WHAT A QUEEN I actually love her. She wasn't in this season enough honestly.

One last thing (I have way more thoughts but I can't remember what they were rn) Sarah deserves the best parent award, there is no competition here, the other parents in this show need to step up their game because she is unmatched in her supportiveness. She's the best.

[sapphic-space-syren]

okay below the cut is a summary of sorts of the ridiculous quasi-relationship I've been in since the end of last year because I need to put this somewhere (links are to my own Tumblr posts, no nsfw images)

no trigger warnings (except maybe infidelity? not sure on that one) but this is a story about sex

at the end of 2022, I moved back with my parents and got a barista job while I waited to see if I'd got into grad school. at said job, there was another barista who was friendly and always told me I was doing a good job (lonely, insecure me appreciated this very much). nice.

after a few weeks, we exchanged numbers and he started sending me... poetry. which became kinda kinky poetry. which became sexting.

which became 'do you wanna get a room'

which became meeting up to spend a night at a hotel on the edge of town. and then when the deed was done and we were waiting for food delivery, he decided to tell me that he's actually a felon who did jail time for [redacted].

might have appreciated knowing that before I drove to the middle of nowhere to fuck you in secret, but alright.

anyway I found out the next day that I was accepted into grad school and would be moving across the ocean within weeks. before I left, he snuck me into his parents' house in the middle of the night for one more ~night of passion~ (this is insane I genuinely can't believe I went along with this) and met me at a tea shop to give me an admittedly lovely set of farewell gifts.

and he told me he loved me. (we're in February now, 2 months after the texting began)

so then I fly away forever and I think good, we'll gradually drift apart and I won't have to deal with the drama of long distance or being with someone who can't even legally travel to my home country because of a criminal record. also he smokes. in general there are a lot of red flags and this is easiest way for it to just... fall apart on its own.

except it doesn't.

the thing is, I've got used to texting him every day and I'm not very good at making new friends within my grad school cohort. I'm still struggling with bipolar symptoms I can't really talk about with anyone but him because there's no-one else in my life who gets it. (he's bipolar too) The fact is everything kinda sucks, school and moving aren't what I thought they would be, and talking to him is the best part of my day. and he calls himself my boyfriend. fuck.

around May-ish, he asks if I'm still planning on visiting my parents soon because he has.... a friend...... a woman.... who he's mentioned in passing but I've certainly never met or spoken to..... but she's seen photos of me and thinks I'm cute.... and she wants to have a threesome.

well, alright then. I'm like... tentatively into it.

except my symptoms are getting worse, a family member died, I'm not handling school very well, so my visit to my parents is postponed a few months. until it's august and I come in bottom of the class, I can barely function, and we decide it's for the best if I take a medical leave of absence.

and fly back to my parents.

so, I'm back! he's so excited! except it takes 3 fucking weeks for him to see me because he keeps ghosting me. or cancelling. or standing me up. so that feels great. and when we do finally meet up he has to go shopping for shampoo for this woman he mentioned earlier. so that's a bit weird.

we spent another night together (his parents were out of town this time, but I still had to dodge their security cameras) and then I don't see him for another month because he keeps. standing. me. up. every other day I drive somewhere only for him to call and cancel while I'm still in the car, or just not appear at all. no explanation.

he does tell me he takes time off work for a hotel night with our alleged threesome partner, though, because (wait for it) she's his GIRLFRIEND and it's their 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

which he NEVER told me. not when he was flirting with me. not when he was sexting me. not when he was fucking me and not when he told me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me.

now I'm not opposed to polyamory, but it would be nice to be aware I'm practicing it.

anyway.

I've seen him... once in the last month. He gave me jewellery and kissed me and promised he would see me soon and apologised because he had to leave early because his (other?) girlfriend (who I still have not met) needed him.

I have not seen him since. He never calls when he promises, sometimes barely texts, and it drove me absolutely nuts for a bit but I've been trying to just... disengage. I've stopped asking when I can see him, stopped texting first. I'm alone in this town with no friends or social support but I'm starting to think his company is just not worth it.

He promised weeks ago that he would see me this weekend. I haven't asked if he remembers. Stay tuned. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ben-talks-art]

Top 10 favorite animated Female Characters

Since it's International Woman's day, I thought it would be fun to talk a little bit again about some of my favorite animated female characters in media.

I go into details and cover more characters on this list so I'll try not to just repeat myself too much and just offer some overall thoughts on why I like these people.

Also, be careful with possible spoilers.

Catra, from She-Ra

I like the overall sense of tragedy that surrounds this character, how all she wants is to feel loved and accepted but because she just happened to be on the bad guys' side she keeps facing defeat after defeat, both from the heroes' side and from her own allies that keep abandoning her.

She's just so used to getting trashed by life that she can't even see the people that do try to be on her side anymore but instead of trying to change she just keeps digging deeper and deeper into her own downfall because that's all she knows.

She's someone who's lost and needs help but she's also so angry at those that ended up finding happiness without her that she won't even admit that she needs help, and I find it so interesting to watch her path of self-destruction while still hoping that she can realize her mistakes one day.

Lake, from Infinity Train

Very similar to Catra, another character who just keeps getting the short end of the stick, but this time she doesn't let her misery mold who she is, in fact, what's so cool about Lake is that she keeps rejecting the idea of letting anyone mold who she is.

She refuses to accept the cards that she was given and instead keeps trying to find new cards, or a new table, or a new player, just anything to change her situation because she refuses to accept she was born to not be happy and continues to seek for that happiness, no matter how far it might be.

Reagan, from Inside Job

My little ball of antisocial-ness. Reagan is that person that's just so used to living in her own little world that she's just totally unprepared to deal with the actual world around her.

She's an absolute mess when it comes to dealing with other people and getting out of her comfort zone, but when she does get into her comfort zone she just turns into a total badass who's always in control of the situation.

I love seeing the constant shift between Reagan the little dork and Reagan the boss lady. It just works so well to create such a likable and charming character that I never get tired of watching.

Kumoko, from I'm a Spider, so what?

Speaking of charming dorks...

If Reagan is an antisocial mess, Kumoko is an antisocial natural disaster. She spent years locked in a dark cave away from any form of civilization with her only other options of frequent communication being her own inner voices, which ended up driving her insane and in return making an absurdly funny and crazy Deadpool-like character.

This is one of those characters I could just hear going on rambles for forever. One moment she might be talking about food, and the next she might be talking about blowing up the world. Every second her thought process keeps shifting from one thing to another, and observing how she comes to these conclusions is always so engaging.

She's just so freaking funny and charming.

Asa, from Chainsawman part 2

Another antisocial mess!

Asa is kinda of a mix from the characters from before, in the sense that, she's terrible at dealing with people, AND she also keeps getting sh*t on by life.

But what I really, really respect about her is that she never uses that as an excuse to be a bad person. Even though she has all the reasons in the world to be the worst human being alive, she never ever makes her problems be someone's problems, she never uses her pain as an excuse to hurt others, even though people keep tempting her to.

Asa is what I describe as the basic essence of being a true hero, someone who doesn't let their misery change who they are and what they believe in.

Makima, from Chainsawman

One of my all-time favorite antagonists.

Talking about Makima involves a lot of spoilers so if you wanna know more just click on these past posts:

-Why I like Makima

-Bad Person vs Bad Character

-The importance of "Fun to Watch"

Nanahoshi, from Jobless Reincarnation

This is the character that taught me the importance of struggles in storytelling, why characters need walls to overcome, conflicts to defeat, challenges to face, and how facing these challenges show their true character.

She's another person who, just like Catra, Lake, Asa, and others, had a lot of bad luck in life, but again, how she chooses to face these challenges is what makes her awesome.

She kept fighting and moving forward even when things seemed hopeless and as a result, she ended up becoming one of the great genius of the world she lives in. She's the kind of person you wanna root for and want to celebrate whenever she does get a win.

She basically said "no, I'm not gonna let the fact that the entire world is working against me keep me down!"

Aggie, from Paranorman

This one is just fascinating.

A young girl who ended up receiving punishment for something completely out of her control and decided to take revenge by dishing out 100 times more punishment to her offenders.

Aggie is amazing because she represents the pain and suffering of prejudice as well as its futility. She shows that in its basic form, mindless hate is just a force of destruction that does nothing but break and corrupt, taking over you and molding you into becoming something you never wanted to be, and even worse, spreading it to others.

She's the embodiment of so many powerful themes and messages while still at the end of the day being just a simple little girl, one that got hurt by the world and now is doing all she can to show how that pain can affect you and those around you.

Momiji, from Good Luck Girl

My all-time favorite mentor character. I like how she represents one of the most important parts about the process of teaching and guiding someone, that being the frustration of teaching someone who doesn't want to be taught.

Even though the girl she's trying to help doesn't give a damn about her, Momiji still continues to stay by her side and helped her realize what she's missing by living life the way she's living, and what she could gain in return.

She's the best mentor because she's the mentor that doesn't give up on her student or gives up on the lesson she's trying to teach while also not caring too much about being appreciated, and just caring about doing her job.

Michi, from Even if you don't do it

Michi is the character that teaches the importance of loving yourself just as much as you love others.

For the longest time, she assumed that being happy was about trying to accept others and their needs while keeping inside her own needs and her own wishes of happiness.

She assumed that all the things that kept bothering her weren't worth thinking about it because she never felt her problems were important or big enough to be actually dealt with, and only after a long time of piling these things up was that she realized... She wasn't happy, and more than that, she had the right to be happy, even if that meant saying "no" to what other people asked of her.

I feel like this is such an important theme to talk about, the idea of remembering you matter just as everyone else and your needs matter just as everyone's needs, and watching her journey as she realizes that and finally manages to find peace in her life felt extremely satisfying.

___________

___________

And that's about it, I think. Hope you have a great International Women's day!

[saltysandycandy]

Happy Valentines Day to my dearest Zen !

He means so much to me, I've said this before but he's always there for me, playing his route always makes my week and his calls seem to solve all my problems. Heck, sometimes I'll listen to his calls just for good luck because they always seem to work! It might totally just be crazy coincidences but I choose to believe that it's his presence in my life that makes it so much better.

It's been a little bit over a year since I found him and my love for him is stronger than ever. There's a few things about Zen that makes me like him so much, I think the first is just that he's relatable. His passion towards his career is something that deeply comforts me and his dedication and hardwork for something he loves is something that I think we both share. I absolutely love the fact that he had a dream since he was a child and worked his butt off to achieve it and prove himself. He deserves to be so proud of himself. He has absolutely earned his "narcissisism", if you can even call it that.

Secondly, I love how energetic and extroverted he is. As an introvert, most people might think that hanging out around extroverts is really tiring because they tend to drain your social battery. I think it actually has more to do with compatibility, some of my bestest friends are extroverts and I love being around them, I also find it easy because they're the ones who find things to talk about and I don't have to stress out about not being social enough. I think the same goes with Zen, I adore his enthusiasm, I love his extroverted tendencies because I know that its something that'll make the relationship easier.

I also know for a fact that Zen is someone who takes boundaries very seriously.

"...But I don't like people touching me or taking pictures of me"

"Why do they keep trying to touch me if I'm pretty? Why do they bother me?"

Since he was a child and even now as a public figure, he knows how important it is to respect boundaries, his and also of other people. He knows how uncomfortable it is when boundaries are not respected and if you're someone he loves, he's the type of person to do anything in his power to make you feel safe and comfortable.

Even if you need space, I know he'll understand that.

Third, this is kind of common sense but I just wanted to mention it still, He is THE sweetest. He's such a caring and kind person. Not just in his route, but in most of them, he is super protective, mostly towards MC but also towards the other RFA members. I think his friendship with Jaehee, Seven, his "younger brother" relationship with Yoosung, and his "older sister" behaviour towards MC is more than enough evidence for his empathy. His relationship with Jumin is a whole another thing though lol but still, in his route, after he understands where Jumin is coming from and learns to accept help and support from his Family, the RFA, he makes efforts to fix their relationship. And even otherwise, there are times when you can find him worrying for the others, including Jumin. What a darling.

Lastly, this guy is like INSANELY TALENTED (and super pretty like look at him omg)??? He can sing, dance, act, play the piano and take over my heart... Ahhh I love him so much.

Honestly I could go on forever, this is the shortest I could do... If you actually read this far, wow... uhh thank you? This was mostly sort of a valentine's day rant about how much I love Zen lol. I do really appreciate you reaching this far down my post, so I wanna give you a thank you gift.

This is a thing I made for myself, I wasn't really planning to put it anywhere but here I am lol.

(A picture of my beloved Zenny being a dork)

[nolanhattrick]

i told my friend i was going to keep track of how i felt when starting auvelity since she's been on ketamine for a year and is thinking about switching so i think i'm just gonna make a tag

i just took my first dose. literally two minutes ago. i told myself i wasn't gonna google anything or read the insert, because i always do that and i always psych myself out or invent side effects that aren't there. i did both anyway. i found a positive study and sent it to my med student friend, and i read the insert to make sure i could take it with/out food.

apparently, it causes birth defects. severe birth defects. there is a registry of people that are on auvelity to ensure that you don't have children while on it so that the company that produces it can't get sued.

i know that, like, being mentally ill comes with life side effects or whatever. it's expensive to be mentally ill. it takes time out of your day and it fucks with your social life and it gives you a window into a different side of life that a lot of people might not understand. most of my ""normal"" friends don't respond in ways that i deem "acceptable" when i talk about mental illness. i'll talk about trauma or my symptoms or discrimination and they always approach it through a lens of injustice or solutionism when sometimes i really just want validation or empathy.

there is no empathy when it comes to chemicals. i can't have children while on auvelity. that's just a fact. i cannot get pregnant on this drug. this drug that my psychiatrist basically touted as a miracle cure. and listen, i love her, she's a little insane, i consider her a friend that also gives me drugs. but i feel like... i feel like i shouldn't have to choose.

for a long time i didn't want kids. vehemently hated the idea. rejected the notion that i'd ever change my mind. but now i can't see my life without them. maybe it's the mid twenties baby fever, maybe it's the stage the rest of the locals in my age range are at, but holy shit man. jay brain says i needed to be pregnant, like, yesterday. and to know that that's not an option? maybe anymore, maybe forever, maybe not until my reproductive organs are shot to hell?

because no one's 100% sure what testosterone does to the uterus and ovaries. especially not to the "not 100% perisex uterus and ovaries". like, i have fucked up anatomy as it is. my mom wasn't able to get pregnant for seven years after she had me. i've miscarried once already. the amount of unprotected sex i've had in my life shows that i am not an easy target to hit. but it's like... the delusion was nice to live inside of, you know? there are so many seahorse dads out there. SO many dads have given birth. i at least wanted the option ykwim?

anyway. my stomach hurts and i'm tired. gonna edit a little bit more of sincerity is scary and finish the leafs game before i go to bed. we won 7-3 against the rangers at MSG tonight but i'm replaying it anyway since i was at work

[hesitantvampirealien]

kind of a major headcanon and a smaller one as well

this one has a LOT of personal backgrounds and i'll explain it further, so this might be a bit of a long read because of that. Obviously that also means I'll bring up extremely personal matters up in order to explain my point of view, but i ask you to bear with me and try to keep an open mind

-

first, i like to imagine the V's and the fab 4 coexisting despite knowing that in the canon, they're not there all at the same time, but it's just cooler to imagine both groups coexisting, both groups' members all having around the same age except the girl (that i'm still trying to think of a name because "girl" is just- not a name x.x)

so with this said, the things i imagine - NN is also included here btw

(silly hc time) Vinyl also being a werewolf like NN, one recognizes some random werewolf shit that i didn't think about yet on the other and they're like, oddly compatible as friends despite their partners having a.. complicated relation to say the least - considering that nn and poison are no label partners and vinyl dates val (yes i joined the val and vinyl wagon lol)

so, i decided to put the main one in the bottom bcause i know that there is some potential to controversy since many people hate val and some other shit like some people possibly ignoring that i said everyone is around the same age and pointing out a non existent age gap. Anyway, the idea is:

poison and val are exes (put the gun down. I'll explain.)

As someone who - please don't hate me, i promise i'm not like this anymore - once was a toxic ex boyfriend (i got better, i grew up and i'm not like that anymore, i promise) val just radiates bitter ex energy, and to have like a redemption arc and go from bitter ex to friendly chill ex whos finally going to therapy is a fitting plot for him - wholesome if you ask me. And i know it seems random to suddenly talk about my past relationship, but i promise it'll make sense why i'm bringing it up like this. I was a lot like val when my first girlfriend broke up with me and it sucked, i still feel shitty for everything that i ended up doing, so that's why i feel this way towards val and poison, because it's something i can see myself in and not feel completely awful. To be fair to myself, i was an early teen with no autism support whatsoever, no decent depression treatment and forced to take an insanely high dosage of a medication that actually amplified tenfold pre existing psychosis symptoms and a lot of other shit going on, so no wonder why i was an awful boyfriend, i had no idea of what the concept of "decent person" even was, and in my head it often felt like i NEEDED her or i would DIE because i had nothing else, she was everything i had. It felt like her breaking up with me made her a "traitor" because in my head, i thought she knew i had nothing else, and i was angry about that, very angry, resentful, i held a grudge for a situation where i was the real wrong one. I wasn't right in the brain. We grew and got things right between each other after a while, but it doesn't matter how long it takes or how much i try to fix things, it doesn't change the fact that even if she forgave me, she might, maybe even forever, see me the same way poison would see val under this context. I never deserved her forgiveness and i have to accept that.

In short, the reason why i imagine val and poison as exes is because it helps me come to terms with my own past as a former terrible ex boyfriend, and helps me see val as more than just him being the way he is with no further explanation. It makes me see him as someone that is suffering with something unresolved and doesn't even know how to start solving it, or doesn't even have any idea of how wrong something he might do really is, and all those factors end up making him not only a bitter ex, but a bitter person. Like my past self was.

And maybe that way i can also come to terms with the fact that i didn't deserve forgiveness, even if i had "reasons" to why i was the way i was. So i guess it feels comforting to feel like i'm not the only former toxic ex boyfriend that didn't deserve forgiveness. A redemption arc for him in that matter goes beyong just becoming a bad ex to a good ex, it'd be much more about a person who was severely hurt - and maybe even traumatized - finally healing from everything

[jackrussle]

Beach boys ranking, for myself

Can't talk about. Might be the best album ever made, I** believe it is but I'm trying not to be blinded by bias. But I mean...

Transcendental, unapproached, listening to it is peeking into something that couldn't have been else the world would have ended idk, sometimes it feels like that.

So ahead of its time that ppl still don't fuck with it. Imo its singular, no imitations bc people wouldn't know what the hell they're imitating. I think after pet sounds, not including smile session (released in 2011), its their best. 2 of the best pop songs ever made among tracks like "wind chimes" and "little pad" and "fall breaks and back to winter". So much psychedelic music of the 60s has a grandiosity, the supposed ego death is very huge and important, but smiley smile is as relevant to the present as it was to the past bc it has none of that twining, muzzy, philosophizing psychedelia of cream or jimi hendrix (luv all that, not devaluing it). smiley smile is hanging out, getting high, giggling, getting scared, and then experiencing a huge but sparing moment of revelation and creativity. It's not "getting at" something real about acid and getting stoned, it's already there. The beach boys stripped themselves, intentionally or not, of fame, what sounds good, what sounds acceptable, whats cool, whats not, whats success, whats failure, saying something or saying nothing. whispering, repetitious, thoughtfulness turning into silliness turning into fear turning into marvel, articulate and then making no sense at all.

The sweetest possible follow up to smiley smiles acidic cackling, so easy to listen to. Hugely irrelevant to anything happening in mainstream 1968 music. Another example imo of the 60s failing itself, leaving something as nice and understanding as this dead in the water. Another lofi grand dad like smiley smile, something that in retrospect makes it sound rly hip 🏄‍♂️❤️

Tied with friends right now...the "it's so over" album of all time. Already posted about it. 2 of my fav songs ever on it, "til I die" and "surfs up", easy argument that surfs Up is top 10 songs everrrrr

It's controversial of me to like this as much as I do, I just love the "mental hospital band at the talent show" vibe. Carl's vocals are insane, it's approach to r&b is off putting, it's a crazy feeling album while not being crazy at all, in fact its a bit dull and weird. But it's not distasteful or bad, which the boys are very capable of being. It's a fun oddball album that I love, subjectively 😭 the boys are fussing around and having an easy time with it, it reminds me of Daniel Johnson or r Stevie Moore. If it was recorded on a cassette bedroom pop heads would go crazy for it

It can do no wrong 🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏝🏖🏝🏖🏝🏖🌞🌞🥥🥥🥥🥥��‍🟩🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🍋‍🟩

I haven't lived with this album like I have the ones I've ranked above it, there's some tracks I'm bored by. Im thinking 'what this is doing? I know it's being done better elsewhere, " but the Fandom swears by sunflower so I'm going to be patient with it. Some all timers tho, "forever" "all I wanna do" and "dierdra" all eerily contemporary

Haven't listened to this all the way through more than once but what I've heard is complete madness and I know ill love it

Definitely the worst beach boys album I've listened to several times and tried to love. It has a sinister, anxious energy, the effort they made to recreate their old sound is vacuous and lethargic, not respectable. I like the track "I went to sleep" and "time to get alone" and ofc I love "our prayer" and "cabin essence" but the Manson song is on this 1 and it's immediately followed by "our prayer". Depressing.

[beecass]

mizumono kicked my grandma in the ass exploded my kitchen ate my dog's food set my house on fire and then proceeded to eat my brain from the inside. honestly, how will looks at hannibal after seeing abigail is alive, that hannibal kept her alive, is... devastating. that man just found out that his plan to send the guy he's been bonding with in the most (((erotic and profound way for months to prison went sideways and is now close to going to jail as well, the feelings for hannibal take over and will hopes that he will leave and run... but hannibal is there waiting for him with their daughter alive as a surprise. when will looks at hannibal theres guilt and regret and hope and sadness and just pure heartbroken. i believe at that moment he was so confused, because why didn't he just accepted to run away with hannibal the other night? why didn't he just say yes? he wanted to. so why didn't he? when he looks at hannibal he has all these feelings in the reflex of his eyes but hannibal is too heartbroken to see it. they could've been a family...

[babygirlwolverine]

Ok iv been waiting to use that pic forever, so thanks for giving me the opportunity!

Ugh, it’s the worst when you get so much good news but then one really bad thing at the end messes it all up. I’m sorry 😣. How about the good news though? Would you like to share? (Or the bad news if you need to vent)

Our brains tend to focus on what ever happened last (day is over all good, but bad for the last half hour = day was bad, and vise versa) so sometimes getting hyped up all over again about the good can trick us into being happy again! If that makes sense

Sending love!!!

omg hiiii! that’s the cutest lil picture ever oh my God it’s so precious omg i love it!

also OH MY GOD THE FERRET GIF I AM SOBBING INTO MY PILLOW RIGHT NOW THAT IS THE CUTEST LIL BABYYYYYYY OH MY HEART IS LITERALLY RACING RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM!!!!

You’re right, it really is the worst when the day is mostly good and then suddenly something bad happens and then it sorta taints the rest of the day, especially when you had had good news and suddenly it all fades away and all that’s left is the sting of the bad. i will happily share the good news because it’s something i’m really excited about!

i don't really wanna talk about the bad news. it's personal family things and it's sad news and i'm probably gonna be flying back home to england either this upcoming week or the next week after that :(

just trying to focus on the good things right now and trying to be as positive as i can be while also dealing with some sad things too.

onto the good news!

the first piece of good news was that i recently hit my next follower milestone (which you might have seen me post about already) and it includes a lucky number of mine so i was so so happy about that! i honestly never thought i would reach this next milestone, so the fact it happened kinda just blew my mind!

the second piece of good news was, the recruiter who i have been in close contact with for the job i accepted got in contact with me to share some amazing news! when i signed the contract last week, my base salary was included in the contract and it was a really great pay. i was super happy with it and honestly couldn’t have asked for anything better. but then the recruiter called me a few days ago to let me know that their management team for the company had just come together to solidify the pay for the incoming class of 2023 grads that they’ll be hiring overall, and they decided to increase the pay. so essentially, the recruiter let me know i was getting a pay rise before i even started the job! and it wasn’t just a small pay raise either, it was $8,000 more per year that i’ll be earning! MIND BLOWING! like literally i couldn’t even fathom the news when he told me! i honest to god went weak in the knees! i had even researched average veterinarians salaries before accepting the job and the pay i was going to be getting beforehand was already way over the average pay that vets make, and so now with this pay rise, i’ll be making a really good chunk higher than the median vet makes! INSANE! literally it’s completely and utterly just more than i could ever even hope for! it feels unreal! I’m literally getting my dream job! i’m gonna get to work with small animals and exotic pets, get to work a great schedule with good hours, get paid really really well, and work with a team of doctors who have been absolutely amazing and they’ve all welcomed me to the team and they’ve all told me how excited they are to have me joining the team and how much of a good fit i am for their family! my dreams are coming true and it feels so freaking surreal!

[earliebirb]

prompt: stevetony + accidental love confession during a fight? I'm loving your stevetony fics, thank you for sharing

Oh my God!!! The first prompt in my inbox and it’s from the lovely @ishipallthings !! What an honor. I have followed you for such a long time on Tumblr (at least on my other, messier blog, because this one hasn’t been around for a very long time) and to have you request a fic in my inbox is so surreal. Thank you so much for the prompt, I hope I didn’t disappoint you!

turning tides

steve/tony, hurt/comfort, getting together, 1783 words

When he wakes up, the first thing he sees is a mop of blond hair, the owner of which is seated in the visitor’s chair beside Tony’s bed, deep asleep with an arm pillowing his head.

Steve is back from his two-week-long, highly classified, solo mission. Tony missed him terribly. Steve is also still wearing his uniform, sans gloves and cowl, which is really weird. Surely he had time to change out of his uniform after the mission. What was the rush?

One of his hands is slipped into Tony’s. He obviously fell asleep with his hand holding Tony’s but his hold had loosened some time during his slumber. Tony resolutely ignores the way his heart flutters at the contact. 

Tony looks around the room. SHIELD medical, really? It isn’t like he is dying. At least, he doesn’t think he is. The last thing he remembers before this is the spinning sight of the workshop ceiling and the feeling of his forehead resting against the cool floor of the workshop. Then… nothing. 

Tony gazes at Steve, who has fallen asleep with his face tilted towards Tony, allowing Tony the rare privilege to indulge in his guilty pleasure of openly staring at Steve for as long as he wants to, getting his fill, at least until the guy wakes up. It’s probably a bit creepy, but sue him. He is in—

Tony pauses.

Fuck it. He has spent such a long time denying it to himself, it’s about time he admits it, at least in the safe and private confines of his mind.

He is in love.

There, he said it. Thought of it. Whatever. It doesn’t terrify him whatsoever. Not even a little bit.

Tony studies Steve’s eyelashes closely, gentle adoration blooming in his chest. He has the longest eyelashes Tony has ever seen, like beautiful blond waterfalls, casting dark shadows on his cheeks. Those coupled with Steve’s baby blues are absolutely a sight to behold, which probably explains why Tony has trouble breathing every time he has Steve’s full attention on himself. The thrill that runs through him every time Steve looks at him is addictive, has him turning greedy. He wants Steve’s attention on him and only him at all times. Tony tilts his head to admire the curve of Steve’s lips better, slightly ajar in his sleep. He can’t help but smile at the sight. Steve looks so peaceful and innocent when he sleeps. Tony feels like he could look at him forever and never get bored, always finding new details to marvel at without fail.

Tony reaches out to trace the straight line of Steve’s nose with his finger when Steve stirs. Tony withdraws his hand quickly, like a child just about to touch a boiling hot kettle before being reprimanded. 

Steve’s eyes blink open slowly, squinting as they attempt to adjust to the light shining just above the bed. Tony watches silently, waits for Steve to find his bearings.

When Steve’s eyes finally meet Tony’s, they widen with surprise when he realizes that Tony is awake.

“Tony,” Steve says with an exhale, standing up from his seat, “you’re awake.”

“I am,” Tony confirms. Steve has extricated his hand from Tony’s in the process and Tony pretends that he doesn’t feel suddenly bereft at the loss of warmth.

Steve stands there for a few moments, taking the sight of Tony in. Then, his back straightens. His eyebrows start to furrow, the corners of his mouth tugged down, the features of his face rearranging themselves into a scowl. 

Tony braces himself mentally. He knows what’s coming. 

Here we go again.

“I have told you, countless of times, that you need to take better care of yourself, Tony.” Steve’s jaw clenches, his voice heavy with disappointment.

“Steve,” Tony sighs, leaning back into his pillow as he closes his eyes, “can we not? I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now.”

Steve’s chin juts out stubbornly, inhaling deeply through his nose. Tony recognizes all the signs: Steve is not backing down.

Steve raises his eyebrows, leveling him with a glare. “Then muster some.”

Oh. Steve is angry angry.

First things first. “What happened?”

Tony has some inkling as to what might have happened, but it’s still good to know the details. 

“You passed out in the workshop out of exhaustion. Jarvis tripped the emergency alarm and the others brought you here. They told me just as my plane was landing,” Steve explains, his voice cold and clipped.

God, passing out due to exhaustion warrants a stay at SHIELD’s medical bay? What an overkill. Tony would like to stress again, that he is not dying. He just passed out from exhaustion and that can happen to anyone. Not everyone’s a supersoldier, Steve. Of course, since Tony values his life, he tries his best not to voice out his thoughts to Steve, who is still staring at Tony like he had insulted his mother.

“Alright. I’m fine now. I’m awake, see?” Tony gestures to himself with a smile. Steve’s expression remains stormy as ever.  

“You can’t keep doing this, Tony. When was the last time you ate anything? When was the last time you slept before you collapsed?”

The fact that Tony can’t seem to provide an answer for either of those questions is probably a bad sign.

“Why are you so dismissive of your own health? When are you going to learn to take proper care of yourself? God, it’s like you want to get sick,” Steve spits out, like the words had left a bad taste in his mouth, and that?

That has Tony’s hackles rising.

“Listen. I’m so fucking tired of you picking fights with me, telling me how to live my life? I don’t get why you’re so pissed off about everything I do all the fucking time. I can’t do anything right, can I? So I fainted, big deal. If Jarvis hadn’t tripped the alarm, I’m sure I would have come to eventually. I can just get some rest and then I’ll be fine. Why do you care so much? This had nothing to do with you. You weren’t the one who had to drag me to medical, anyway. Why are you so fucking worked up about it? I never asked for your concern, okay? I’m sorry if this event has inconvenienced you in some way.”

Steve drags in a sharp breath. His hands are curling into fists. His mouth is open and twisted in a way that suggests something like disbelief, his eyes turning red with tears. He lets out one long, shaky breath.

“And you think I asked for this?” Steve’s voice is breaking. Tony feels his heart plummet down to his stomach, panic rising in him. God, is Steve crying?  Whatever the fuck did he say that made him cry? Tony didn’t even say anything that was wrong.

Steve grits his teeth. God, that is definitely a tear rolling down his cheek. His eyes stay wide open, glaring daggers at him like he is trying to end Tony’s life with the force of his stare alone.

“I never asked to go insane with worry every time you get sick, or miss a couple meals in a row, or go without sleep for days on end, or get hurt doing something unbelievable reckless on the field.” Steve’s voice is trembling with barely restrained rage, rising in volume. Tony has never seen him so furious before.

“I’m sorry, okay, Tony? I’m sorry for caring about you. I’m so goddamn sorry for being in love with you but I don’t have a choice about that!” Steve roars, but near the end his voice breaks down into a sob, and, and—

What? 

Tony feels lightheaded. “...What?”

Steve is still standing there, tear tracks glistening on his cheeks, shoulders heaving up and down as he pants with exertion. He is still looking at Tony like Tony had personally ripped his heart into shreds, which—

Tony wasn’t even aware that he had Steve’s heart in his hands to begin with.

Tony swallows as he tries to wrap his head around this new, unbelievably absurd concept. Tony has always been in love with Steve. This is a fact. Not the other way around. Of course not.

Steve is not in love with Tony.

Tony looks at Steve, who is now frozen, eyes still locked on Tony.

Is he?

“…Steve?” Tony asks, whisper-soft, and he loathes the sliver of hope that slips into that one syllable.

Steve staggers back reflexively, like Tony’s utterance of his name has a force so powerful it knocks him backwards.  Then, he shakes his head, looking down at the floor.

Ah, okay. See? There is no way Steve is in love with him. Tony must have mishear—

“I’m sorry, Tony. This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I mean— I knew that you must have… known, and you were just being nice about it, but… I never intended to bring it up. Please forget what I said,” Steve says to the floor, his voice sounding distant and polite and Tony absolutely hates it.

“I didn’t know,” Tony blurts out.

That makes Steve look up, tentative and unsure. “You… didn’t?”

“Not a clue.”

Steve pauses. He lets out a sigh as he closes his eyes, bowing his head once again. His long eyelashes are wet with tears, Tony notes.

“Well, now you know. I’m sorry.”

There is a pregnant pause in the room, neither of them knowing what to do with this revelation.

And then, after what feels like eternity:

“Steve?” Tony calls.

Steve looks up.

“Come here for a second?”

Steve shuffles on his feet hesitantly, his fight or flight instinct coming into play. He looks like he is weighing paradoxical options in a battle fought within: that getting physically close to Tony right now is simultaneously a viscerally compelling and undeniable need and also the last thing he wants to do. Eventually, however, because he is Steve and Steve will always, always be more lionhearted than Tony could ever hope to be, he approaches Tony with the air of a man accepting certain death. Once again, he finally finds himself back at Tony’s side.

Where he belongs, Tony thinks, and something unfurls deep in his chest.

Tony looks up at him, his hand reaching up to gently wipe away the tear stains on Steve’s cheek. Steve is still looking at him like he’s a ticking time bomb.

Tony gathers all of his courage and takes a deep breath, looking straight into Steve’s impossibly blue eyes.

He bites the bullet.

“Kiss me.”

When Steve’s lips meet his, it feels a lot like coming home.  

[misterbitches]

i wish more than anything he could have had this. i love you man

i really fucking do

my love for nirvana and immense respect for kurt isn't something i ever expected. after being a huge fan of jonghyun too as a musician, a person who had things to say, a human being. the people around him. i fucking hate that kurt is gone and i was like...2. i got into hole when i was like 25 really heavily and refused to listen to nirvana. didnt' care about these white boys. but there's a reason why people love this band and why they loved kurt. i get mad sometimes at his death—selfishness—and then i make jokes to deal and cope. we all do with everything. it's just that and this is from a cis person...but i know so many trans people or people on the gender spectrum who have read his journals see him as someone struggling with gender. and after years of thinking and becoming such a huge fan i think that was honestly the truth. i think at this point we're all pretty sure he was gender queer or struggling with identity.

his aversion for oppression, his stand with the marginalized, not accepting racism, homophobia, transphobia BECAUSE THAT IS THE HEART OF DIY (spurred by my black people cos ofc it is and we do everything) and i wish that he could have beeen better.

to me it seems like his pain with his crohns (or wahtever he had) lead to his intense struggle with drugs because that's pretty common when needing pain management. on top of that, his family's history of MI. on top of that, his life being hounded and not being prepared for it (this i think is the idea of white privilege at work and wasn't naive of him necessarily, but...it's just something he thought wouldnt happen to him. that's whiteness at work as who they were as a diy fucking anti pop anti capital punk band. sonic youth said 'we didnt sell out, we made them buy in') and his rship with courtney. he said without court he might be gay or bi.

i won't read his journals, it's too fucking much for me and i dont feel allowed or maybe i will when i can handle it, but i know reading about them and him and hearing the way he changed his songs and his abhorrence for bravado, for men that talk about women as disposable and sex objects, for not being able to enjoy a punk band, for the whiteness and maleness. krist novoselic was a 6'7 fucking bassist and dave grohl is a sizeable dude with hideous tattoos. back then, no one said a fucking bad thing about them. come as you are.

we know that suicide is a state we get into. when you go to a psych ward you see that it's actually calm and an ebb/flow. it is extremely fucking boring. the thing is we don't know if these feelings last forever. we can't go back and time and history cannot change. it was his decision, like jonghyun's, to end his life. but i know there could have been longer. if they got help. i try not to resent courtney especially not now with people being irresponsible and unearthing the FBI report on him. he killed himself but it was definitely emotionally sparred by her and she should have told people what happened weeks before his death.

but no one failed him per se. his suicide note is full of hope and it kills me to see. he should have been able to be whoever he wanted. been a son, been a daughter, been anything.

whenever i hear the changed lyrics or see him in a dress or hear distress i dont know. i wish we didnt lose him but i also know that no one wants to go back to that time. it wasn't necessarily great but it wasn't all bad. and i wish commodity didn't destroy legacy. i wish we werent's so obsessed with the death and gore instead of the liveliness and hilarity of this band and of kurt. and i wish we could talk about him more and the idea that maybe there's so much going on with it; i have many critiques for things they have done, things kurt has done as well.

i'm talking in circles but i genuinely just get bummed. every day he is still dead. but this dude man......i love him a lot. i'm so glad nirvana gave what they did to the world. getting to know kurt so long after the fact is fucking hard sometimes. it is frustrating. but focusing on the positives too or trying to understand another perspective has given me a lot of insight. and i always try and remember that it wasn't just one thing, that nirvana were a band, it wasn't just him, and he could have been better but it just didn't work out that way. it's not solely about his internal pain and the narrative of a tortured artist is suffocating.

he wanted to be a star, make this insane pop song, and when he got it he didnt realize it became everything he hated. he was already struggling and all this shit hit a point. i have mad respect for them still. dave grohl said billie eilish is the kurt of her gen (about 2 yrs ago) and that drives me up a wall for various reasons. antiblackness and class. fuck that. these dudes were poor as fuck trucking it through washington with other bands and the basis is blacness and black art they were trying to fight and make it and give a shit man. it didnt turn out the way they could handle but they were not PRIMIING themselvs for musical stardom. no artist who cares would do that. but if you get the recognition you want because who doesn't, it comes at a price too.

this is why i critique commodity and capital so intensely. i participate, and i will have to as an artist. i don't have a desire to be poor because i've lived a life that gave me space to see what i want to do. i have class privilege (and a lot of debt) and i am grateful. but it isnt like i dont want peopl eto know. it's just that i know that i can't give in and accept and demand nothing and then decide to hoard it to myself. taht money that goes in funnels out and is not for me to keep. there is no trickling down. dont paly yrself.

artists like kurt and in a sense like MF Doom (rapper who only came out to be seen when he wanted to) or DMX even it's like....man u came out fucking fighting to be heard you know. do your thing. make your shit. be amazing. esp black people. DMX had a fucking face for a camera. hopefully i'm gonna watch belly at my best friend's house on the 28th.

i wish everyone who deserves to stay can stay until their body releases them in the most pleasant way as possible. jessica walter's death made me sad, but she was older and i'm so happy she got to live. same with cicely tyson. at the same time, the young deaths over drugs, suicide, accidents....id on't really get it. why is kissinger alive but these people can't stay? how did this come a somber tale of death instead of just i fucking love kurt cobain lmao

he's def one of those ppl that im like u rock. him, robeson, seberg to an extent. hm who else. wong kar wai, jenkins, joe (thai filmmaker whose name i cant spell.) all those people who are running forward on their own and beating their chest. yea i like that. an award is just another award. what matters is possibility and action.

RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL