#i'm Not Fucking Around this morning
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I know that after Downfall the perspective of 'the gods are a FAMILY' has permeated fandom on both sides of the kill-all-gods argument, but frankly that isn't all they are and acting as if it's suddenly their only motivation flattens both them as characters and the narrative they (and bells hells) are in.
The Wildmother and The Raven Queen didn't 'let' Lolth get away with nabbing Opal and killing Cyrus because she’s their sister. Come on man, we've already seen that the primes are plenty capable of opposing and fighting their siblings on the side of mortals (is the calamity a joke to you??). I'm not saying the primes aren’t capable of picking the lives of their betrayer siblings over mortals (downfall showed as much) but that's not what the situation with Opal and Lolth was about in the slightest.
They let Lolth 'get away with it' not because she’s family, but because this is the very rare instance of them not only having the same goal, but of them actively fighting for their lives. As far as we know that has only happened once before on Exandria, and that time they also entered a truce to defend themselves. The vast majority of the time, the primes picking their siblings over mortals won’t happen because mortals can’t actually threaten the gods (normally), making the 'they're family argument' a moot point. The primes won’t necessarily agree with Lolth's methods, but they won’t go throwing away both hers and their own champions in a meaningless struggle when they need all their strength to stop the fucking apocalypse.
#critical role#cr3#cr3 spoilers#nella talks cr#there's also the point that opal willingly made a deal with lolth#is that an end all be all argument to let lolth have her? no. it was a deal made under duress and manipulation#similarly fjord made a deal with uk'otoa under duress to not drown and he got to wiggle out of it (with the support of melora i might add)#but in this one instance? not only was opal too far gone to tear back without killing her#but doing so would also deprive exandria of a divine champion fighting to stop predathos#I've been meaning to make a post talking about the merrits of the other side of this argument#(aka why i understand some characters dislike the gods and why matt noted after downfall that it partially proved Ludinus' point)#but i keep seeing such bonkers fucking takes that i haven’t gotten around to it#maybe next week after I've watched the latest episode (and the latest bells hells god discussion lol)#anyway. it's five in the morning and I'm quite sleep deprived. please forgive any odd wordings
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love how i, as a grown ass adult, am still fucking terrified of groups of teenagers 🙃
#i had to go past a lot of them while out for my run this morning#and i kept telling myself it's fine but it made me so so anxious i wanted to turn around and just go back home#like. apparently i really will always be that bullied little girl deep down huh#and part of me finds it comforting. the thought that we carry these people we used to be with us#but i hate feeling like this in my fucking 30s because it makes me feel so silly#and i KNOW it's not. i know this shit affects you sometimes for the rest of your life but. ugh#i remember my therapist at some point saying 'i think a lot of your anxiety developed due to you getting bullied'#like it was some massive revelation dldgjkd#and i was like yeah no shit#she was a great therapist but duh lmao#anyway idk why i'm even talking about this#eena.txt#tbd
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Desperately trying to be hysterical all night again in advance of my doctor's appt in the morning because honestly I'm barely holding onto sanity as it is lmao
The amount of pre-appt research I do never stops turning up horrifying new pieces of information like this one:
Like my guy I can barely manage to stomach the ½ teaspoon of electrolytes I put in my water every day and you want me to eat SIX GODDAMN TIMES THAT MUCH??????
I would rather fling myself into a dying star I'm so fucking serious
#i have been frantically tracking my BP over the past few days and it goes tachcardic around 5min into standing up every time#that's not even include the at-risk measurements taken before that threshhold that aren't good they just aren't TACHYCARDIC#and then on top of it I'm basically just yo-yoing back and forth between full blown hypotension and tachycardia with rare moments of#quote unquote normal BP here and there#homestly it explains why i always shitty like who wouldn't#anyway I've got a 12 item list for my new pcp in the morning and I'm honestly fucking terrified because I don't know how I'll cope if they#blow me off yet again after everything I've done to protect myself#i literally can't keep living like this there's a really good chance i just throw myself off a bridge to be done with it and I'd rather not#anyway i think i've made a really good case with clinical treatment guidelines for 3-5 major medical interventions#and I'm so fucking desperate to get at least those covered#i need a new tilt table test i need rx fludrocortisone and IV saline/nutrition or prescription electrolytes and multi-vitamin#i need compression garment scripts and i need long-term PT and if I'm very lucky I will also get to need assessment of my stenosis/csf#i don't dare hope for a disability referral
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the evening bus at my college keeps not showing up so i have to walk through the woods and also past the singlular vending machine that sells coca cola. ive decided every time my bus doesn't show up and i have to walk home im going to reblog this to show how incompetent my school is <3
#The bus schedule was FINE last year idk WHY it just is dogshit rn#the morning bus is CONSISTENTLY late. Every Time#I do not understand. What the fuck are you guys doing#they have a bus tracker app BUT I guess they must be short a bus or something??#because I keep getting alerts saying “oh bus 5 is this random blue bus that isn't on the app please refer to the bus schedule”#Oh you mean the bus schedule that they never follow consistently??#they will switch the blue bus around like. to bus 3 and 6 etc they change it up#anyways. God I'm so fucking annoyed#I don't mind walking but like dude c'mon sometimes I'm tired as hell and starving and I don't wanna walk through the pitch black woods#lilac post#bus post
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Had this idea for a fic where Ageha picks up on Coco's rancid vibes and tries to convince Nozomi to put some distance between them. Just, like, some gentle nudging and a little advice so as not to come off as condescending or overbearing or anything like that to Nozomi, especially since they don't really know each other that well. I doubt it would cause Nozomi to drop him all at once, but it would be the catalyst for Nozomi to start reexamining their relationship, at least a little.
#precure#pretty cure#yumehara nozomi#hijiri ageha#cure dream#cure butterfly#i like to think this would eventually have the domino effect of getting nuts the hell away from komachi#idk i was thinking about episode five of otona#which was the episode that made me drop the series in fact#idk i'll probably try and power through the rest of it at some point since i don't like leaving things unfinished#anyway it made me wish there was something where someone with an outsider's perspective saw nozomi and coco's whole... *thing*#and didn't end up pushing all that 'soulmate' stuff#and then i remembered the *other* pink butterfly themed cure who wants to be a teacher#and i figured butterflies would look out for their own#but like#i don't have faith in my writing skills to handle something like this in any meaningful way#this is just something i'm throwing out there at four in the morning while i'm half asleep#hmm#do you think ageha would anonymously report coco to the school board or something?#i feel like of all people she especially wouldn't fuck around with teachers being gross like that#fuck now i want to see ageha clock him#nuts too
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also now that i think about it. it's kinda funny how there was this whole thing about Sten, how he's hornless and they believe that those kinda Qunari are special, destined for great things or smth cause of the rarity of a hornless one being born etc.
...and we get Antaam rebelling & the Qun going to shambles during his tenure as Arishok.
Sten. my guy. i'm so fucking sorry. i hope you at least get a cookie pick me up every now and again...
#i'm sorry it dawned on me before my morning coffee and i find it awfully funny xd#i know that they made this whole lore thing up around him 'cause they couldn't make his horns in Origins or smth#it is still pretty damn funny to me#& in this house we love a good fuck up of a guy#sten out there hanging by a fucking thread probably#dragon age#dragon age babbling
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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo
#corned beef#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bsol#speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it#first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time#then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3#yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me#so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise#by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in#i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns#& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking#able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's#extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow#not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift#one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff#i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy#like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not#the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you#really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well#fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry#yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round#when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours#like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol#not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't#happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was
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the yearning is strong tonight... girls..
#ash rambles 💚#i love girls.. i love being a girl... who loves girls..#i. i've fallen so head over heels for my OC. i love her so much.#i wish she existed somewhere other than my head so i could share how beautiful she is#she's so perfect to me#she was just meant to be a haha goofy oc i wrote on the side but I'm so unbelievably in love with her now#she's so... perfect#I've never shipped with an oc before. but i love her dearly so i guess heres to first times and all#it's late at night and I'm getting emotional#i keep holding my pillow and cuddling it. she would be so soft.. muscular too she's been a warrior her whole life.. but her skin is warm#and her chest is so comfortable.. she's amazing.. shes a little ticklish around her stomach and she giggles if ash accidentally brushes it.#it's my favorite sound. fuck. the feelings are hitting like a truck this.. night? morning? it's almost 1am.#i dont know when it got so bad. my feelings for her. but i want her more than anything. my beautiful girl. so beautiful#i should really stop before i start sobbing ajdjajsj#goodnight gamers! i hope everyone is doing well#i am plagued by the gay this... morning#an oath of love 🌟🛡
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good morning i have rage flowing through my veins <3 how are my sweetie peas?
#rambles.#crazy how i have to sit here and suffer while my doctor piddles around lol#i confirmed 24 hrs ago that another pharmacy had my meds in stock#and i showed up in person to speak to someone at the doctors office to have the scrip sent over. and still nothing <3#i also called multiple times this morning and left a voicemail. i'm not above being fucking insane and annoying 😃#i'm trying to be so chill rn and refrain from committing acts of violence#there are like no other good options for doctors here but i'm about to find one 30+ minutes away because this is ridiculous#they haven't even called me back about my gallbladder test results or anything either. that was almost a month ago.
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it rubs me the wrong way how many times over the last few days i saw people in the notes of posts about the UK protests say how they wish they could do something but they are not a big white cis dude so they don't go to protests.
listen i'm a 155cm short white blondie with a baby face and this has not stopped me for getting right in several peoples faces to tell them off or to put myself between me and whoever they had beef with.
a nazi will hesitate for maybe 2 seconds before punching a big strong man and the bystanders will think ''that's a fair fight let's keep our distance''
but i noticed several times that in the time they process that a small woman telling them to fuck off, people around will suddenly show up for back up. it's like getting them out of their paralysis when they see someone physically smaller entering the stage.
i have never been seriously physically attacked but to be 100% honest with you if a nazifucker ever punches me i will win in any case because that shithead is getting sued for assault.
stop being scared of them. that's what they are betting on.
If you can't physically fight them, don't start a physical attack. but please, you have to DO something.
#i had a situation at the busstop this morning so i'm still processing that#but really you have to stop acting like the helpless victim and let fear rule you#inb4 OBVIOUSLY if someone has a gun or a knive and is already attacking people and you're tiny then don't get stabbed and instead help#the people around you#but most provocations are not violent to beginn with and too many people keep thinking 'just ignore it' and think that's a valid solution#you know what happens with nazis that you ignore? they can organize and feel save in your community because they can do whatever#don't ignore nazis#the least you can do is to tell them loudly to fuck off
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#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
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spent from 10:30 PM to about 3:40 AM at the emergency vet last night with my brother's puppy, Snoop. she's okay, but she ate something that made her sick and I was super scared in light of Stringer's bloat so i wasn't taking chances and took her
she came home with me early this morning and we went back for a recheck around noon and she's gotten the all clear, so here's hoping all dogs stay healthy from here on out!
and no more emergency vet visits, please
#she was eating the blanket at the bottom of her crate in the brief intervals i crated her to walk Stringer#but also was gnawing obsessively on nylabones yesterday she may have ingested parts of#so i can't say for sure what did it but her stomach was all out of whack and they said her x-rays might have shown foreign objects#but the recheck today shows they've all reached her colon and out of her stomach so they will be pooped out on their own#thank fucking god - i was almost hysterical last night before becoming numb sitting in that ER with all those other animals suffering#saw some absolutely horrific things - i hate hate hate going to the emergency vet it's always traumatizing#cause not only are you dealing with your pet and their scares but then total strangers who are also contending with life and death#we got home around 4:15 this morning and i didn't get to sleep until 5ish and then was away by 7 so i'm fucking exhausted#i napped for an hour earlier this evening but i feel tonight i will pass out early
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I don't think just thinking about my work should cause me a panic attack bad enough to nearly make me faint.
I don't think the work environment that produces that reaction should be considered a good one
#My manager overrided the scheduling system to give almost everyone who's off on Saturdays an early morning Saturday parade shift#Her reasoning is that “If you can't work Saturdays you shouldn't be working anywhere at all”#Which is bizarre for multiple reasons but also her boss is completely fine with us having Saturdays off#But he can't do anything about this because he's in Hawaii#Which also leads to other things that need to be unpacked such as how he can afford that while we're getting paid 10 an hour minus tips#But anyways I have a closing shift before Saturday which meaning I won't be home till around 12#And ive done some calculations based off of how long it takes me to get ready before and after a shift#And it seems like I'll only have about 5 hours of sleep max between the two shifts#Not to mention that the day after closing shifts I can barely walk due to the strain of the previous night#So that will heavily effect the morning shift#And on Saturday I also have another thing to go two 2 hours after I get off of work#I've asked twice if someone could cover my shift with no reply despite others being answered within seconds#I'm going to fucking die y'all
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saw a tiktok talking about how if you're in a creative rut, have you shown up for your creative passion? have you made time and space for it and it alone? have you treated it well? or have you talked about it as a pain in the ass that doesn't obey? have you resented and loathed it? have you made the first move to treasure the gift that it is and all the ideas it has fed you?
#food for thought#all this to say i cleaned up my desk and arranged my painting supplies#and lined up my paintings so i could see them#i charged my mechanical keyboards and put them center#and since i won't need it tomorrow morning#i put my phone in another room and a book by my bed instead#no more fucking around i'm showing up for it#bc if i don't no one will!
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is it ok to feel hopeless sometimes
or most of the time
#this morning I'm listening to every existing cover of Across the Universe#and feeling like I'm going crazy#looking at this world#feels like nothing matters anymore#feels like nothing has ever mattered either#everything was always going to go to shit#high BDI score is not a personal problem is it's a rational fucking response to seeing what's going on around you
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daily whistlepaw until ah becomes PoV day 1167
I think I finally understand how people feel when around a crush, can't say I enjoy it
#warrior cats#whistlepaw#windclan#medicine cat apprentice#this isn't my first crush lol but this one has had me feel the strongest of feelings (and might be my first genuine crush lol)#the fact I have been building up A Lot of stress for the entire week probably didn't help.#and the fact my stomach hurt is also probably at least partially to explain by the fact I barely ate last night#but MAN seeing my (latest) crush in such a pretty dress and then go on stage and play (a goddess!!!!!!! she's a goddess)#(I already bought tickets to go see the full thing; I will die but I will die happy (I hope))#but yeah I struggled for a good 2 hours to fall asleep and also had stomach weirdness happening the next morning#man it was not fun#(and then she came to sit next to me during class and I had to play it cool (I was too deranged on sleep deprivation to really care about#being my typical brand of weird but I do sometimes feel like an idiot around her and feel guilty because then I fear that she finds me#annoying and will hate me and I will fail this again (losing a friendship over a crush once was not that fun lol) and Traumas don't help#either at all so uh I'm just trying to spend time with her I just always feel a bit worried that I'm annoying her and it's consuming my bra#I do also still feel a little guilty about having this crush; internalized homophobia/issues around sexuality are hard to shake off#and while it's very normal and stuff I never dare to go the entire way when my brain conjures fantasies that are a little too risqué#I just feel guilty man I know I shouldn't but still it fucking sucks in my brain#and god talking about this in therapy would be a mess#I might have to eventually but I don't wanna#anyways; wild vent in the tags aside; yay a whis!
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