#i'll keep my thoughts to myself for now but yeah ...
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elsa-fogen · 2 days ago
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Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)
Story time!
Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.
I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"
So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.
But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.
So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.
And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.
That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO
I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.
But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.
Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.
I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)
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bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺
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petew21-blog · 11 hours ago
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Leather up!
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David sat on the concrete wall, waiitng for the buyer to arrive. He put up a post recently to sell his Kawasaki Ninja and get a brand new one. The price was high, but he loved his motorcycle and wanted to get the most of it.
The time of arrival of this secret buyer has already passed, but he was nowhere to be seen. David checked the message with coordinates and was sure that he was at the right place.
David was already sweating in his racing leathers.
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He got up and checked the other side just to make sure, that he wasn't crazy.
"All right, you had enough time. I am leaving." he sent back, but the other person didn't open the message.
As soon as David looked away from his phone, he noticed a wet mark on the concrete as if something made it's way towards him. As if a giant snail crawled there. But there was nothing in sight.
David jumped of the ledge and headed to his motorcycle. But his leg was itching. He stopped and wanted to scratch it, but it was way too low. He took off his boot and was immediately shocked. A tiny green goo tail disappeared under the leather, crawling up his leg. "What the..."
David quickly unzipped himself and tried to take the leather suit off, but the goo already made his wait into his ass. He tried pushing at it to make it go away, but it didn't help.
He felt the last parts of the goo disappear in him. The goo stretched and massaged his prostate. He collapsed on the grown and screamed. It wass a mixture of pain and pleasure.
"No! Please! Somebody!!! Help!!!"
David felt weaker by the second. There was no stopping this, no one nearby to help him. David took his last weak breath and closed his eyes.
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"Finally!!! I thought you would never let go." David's voice said while getting up from the ground. His indefference was now replaced with an awe and admiration for himself. He checked out his new leather suit and flexed, just to see how tight everything was.
His hand grabbed his bulge over the leather. "I just hope you're a grower, David. I hoped for a full package." his hand let go and made its way under the leather. "Oh fuck yeah. I was hoping you'd be really sweaty. Jackpot."
He walked over to the motorcycle and looked back at himself in the mirror. "I am you. I am DAVID. I hope you can see me David. I am about to destroy your life. So sit tight and enjoy the ride."He started the engine and headed out.
James:"It really worked? Are you really this guy right now? Or did my friend just pay you money to prank me?"
David's body:"Would a random guy just come up to you and showed off himself to you? Let you touch his dick?"
James:"Ok, yeah you're right. How did you even get his body? Can I do that too?"
"No. I'll keep that to myself. Now. How about you get on your knees. You seem parched. Let me fill your mouth."
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David screamed, but the fucker that stole his body probably didn't hear him. All David could do was just watch as his previously straight body now participated in gay sex. His dick being burried in this guy's mouth. The fucker even kept him in the leather still.
Before the guy could cum all over the other guy's face, he took David's dick and came over the leather. After a moment of hyperventilating from the exhaustion, the other guy asked. "You're not gonna go clean that? It might make a stain."
David's body:"No,I'll keep it there."
Little did the know that the cum, slowly drying out on the surface, contained the remnants of David's soul.
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herewegobebe · 4 months ago
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KEY キー 'Tongue Tied' MV
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0xeyedaisy · 5 days ago
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Hehehe.... Just cut my hair on my own again... Oopsie <3
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saikenakoego · 18 hours ago
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Last one before I try doing it with another character (and before i force myself to get back to work on art and stuff lol)
With the usual lady herself. The scourge of the undead and the paranormal alike. Hunter of monsters. Breaker of bones (and hearts). EATER OF RARE HAMBURGERS.
The unwilling vampire, Sammy!
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv This gal! vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
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This one is really long, so I'll be dividing them by sections like the original!
Appearance
1. What is your favorite physical trait that you possess?
SM: If I could, I'd be feeling flustered right now. But since I can, I'll just say something at random.
SM: ...
SM: Hair.
2. What would you wear if they told you you had to gussy up?
SM: ...
SM: I AM gussied up.
3. Is there anything about your appearance that you would change if possible?
SM:
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SM: Hope that answers your question.
4. Do you have a favorite material that you like to wear?
SM: Denim or leather. Easy to wash, hardy enough. Hides bloodstains.
5. What's your opinion on scars?
SM: I miss them.
6. How much do you take interest in trends?
SM: More than I'd like to. Apex predators have to stay at the top of the game.
SM: Oh, you mean fashion trends? About the same. Even if I don't feel anything, I want to look my best when I put the bloodsuckers back in their graves.
7. Is there someone you try to look similar to?
SM: Myself. From about 2 years ago.
8. Do you have a physical trait that you're known for?
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SM: Take a guess.
9. What do you smell like?
SM: Wouldn't you like to know. Good enough, is what I'll say.
10. If you could splurge on a particular garment, what would it be?
SM: Sunglasses. Or a new jacket. Anything that can help keep me cool.
11. Is your favorite color a color you wear often?
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SM: Yeah.
12. Have you gone through major stylistic or physical changes?
SM: I guess you could say somethin' like that.
13. What is something you would refuse to wear?
SM: Anything degrading.
14. Is there a style you're afraid you can't pull off?
SM: Average.
15. Would you wear something someone else picked for you?
SM: Silver picked this outfit for me. It's easy to move in and looks good, so I don't mind.
16. Is your appearance more telling or deceiving?
SM: What a way to ask about it. Hopefully the first one.
17. What are your thoughts on wearing costumes?
SM: It's been tainted for me, the whole "human pretending to be a monster" thing. But if it's for innocent fun, I try not to mind.
18. Do you have a favorite outfit?
SM: I feel like I already answered this.
19. If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be?
SM: Crucifix. Practical reasons.
Objects
1. Is there an item you don't like to live without?
SM: Crucifixes. Have to keep them upside down, though.
2. What gift would you give to someone you didn't like, but felt obligated to?
SM: Something as cheap as generic as possible. A card or something.
3. What object is likely to catch your attention?
SM: The answer is inside you. Literally.
4. Is there an item you liked that you can't get back?
SM: Don't think so. None that I recall.
5. Would you ever try to haggle?
SM: Depends. For what?
6. Is there something you're proud to own?
SM: I can't feel pride anymore. But I used to brag a lot about my cd collection.
7. Do you ever spend more time than you have?
SM: I have all the time in the world. But I do spend more time than I should...
8. What would it take for you to give up an item you like?
SM: A stake, or cash. Depends.
9. Do you prefer to give or receive gifts?
SM: As long as they're useful, receive.
10. Is there a type of object you don't like?
SM: Anything that can cause bodily harm. And I don't mean to myself.
11. What might an acquaintance think is a good gift for you?
SM: Burger.
12. Do you personify objects?
SM: No, but I know someone who does.
13. What do you most enjoy shopping for?
SM: Nothing in particular.
14. Is there an item you're embarrassed to own or want?
SM: Again, I can't feel embarrassment anymore.
15. Would you prefer something bought or made personally?
SM: Something that functions.
16. Are you willing to ask for things?
SM: Who isn't?
17. What is most important to you when shopping?
SM: Keeping an eye on the budget. Unlike some people I know.
Food and Drink
1. What flavor would you say your personality is?
SM: Bitter.
2. Would you prefer baking, cooking or mixing drinks?
SM: Cooking. No one seems to get it right for me.
3. Is there a food or drink you're unwilling to try?
SM: Their... "specialty".
4. How big is your appetite?
SM: One appetite too big.
5. Do you consider eating fun?
SM: These questions make me angry.
6. Would you consider eating something you didn't like just to appease someone?
SM: No.
7. Is there food that has made you sick?
SM: Not anymore.
8. What is your favorite food group?
SM: Food has groups?
SM: ...Why?
9. Do you like to try new foods?
SM: I sure hope I did.
10. What is a childhood meal you cherish?
SM: ...Burger.
11. Are you food-motivated?
SM: ...
SM: Really?
12. Which meal time is your favorite?
SM: The final kind.
13. How much do you care about wasting food?
SM: Very. My mother raised me well.
14. Do you prefer restaurant or home-cooked food?
SM: Restaurant. For the time being.
15. What food or drink do you consider a treat?
SM: Burger...
16. Is there a food texture you don't like?
SM: Liquid, viscous and slightly oily.
17. What kind of drinks do you prefer?
SM: Water.
Weather and Nature
1. What would you do if you were suddenly caught in the rain?
SM: Find a place with a roof.
2. Have you ever had a meaningful encounter with an animal?
SM: If I have, I can't recall.
3. What season would you say you're most similar to?
SM: ...What?
4. Is there a natural phenomenon that scares you?
SM: I don't feel fear. But for sake of the question, I'd rather not be involved with any right now.
5. Have you ever had an animal phase?
SM: Don't think so.
6. Do you enjoy sky-gazing?
SM: I don't mind it when Johnny asks me to join him. That's about it.
7. Do you have a good sense of direction?
SM: Yeah. Par for the course.
8. What type of environment do you like best?
SM: Not too hot, not too cold.
9. Are you good with animals?
SM: Animals tend to run away from me. Don't blame 'em.
10. How would you react to snow?
SM: Just 'cuz Vegas is in a desert doesn't mean it doesn't snow. The place is literally called Nevada, por dios.
11. What part of nature do you most resonate with?
SM: The supernatural has no place within the natural world.
12. Could you survive on your own in the wilderness for a week or more?
SM: Depends on the place. Probably.
13. What element best represents you?
SM: Darkness.
14. Do you prefer hot or cold weather?
SM: Cold. Reasonably cold.
15. Is there a creature that scares you?
SM: No.
16. What celestial body interests you the most?
SM: The sun.
17. Are you good with plants?
SM: About as good as anyone.
18. How willing would you be to nap outside?
SM: Unwilling.
19. What animal would you say best represents you?
SM: A mosquito.
Community and Relationships
1. Do you prefer company or solitude when sick?
SM: I don't get sick.
SM: ...
SM: But Silver being a pest during... that, wasn't so bad.
2. What is your favorite kind of social event?
SM: None.
3. How comfortable would you be with singing and dancing in front of everyone?
SM: I would not care. Though it would be better if I got something out of it.
4. Are you upfront about your feelings?
SM: If I had any.
5. Who would you seek first if you needed medical help?
SM: Nobody. For their sake.
6. How willing would you be to go to a party with people you don't know?
SM: If it leads to something useful, willing. Otherwise, rather not.
7. Who are you most honest with?
SM: Silver.
8. How likely is it for you to initiate a friendship?
SM: Unlikely.
9. Where is your comfort place?
SM: ...Home.
10. Is there a habit you've learned from someone else?
SM: Less learned and more forcefully conditioned into me.
11. Do you think you have people who would worry about you if you got injured?
SM: Yeah. Somehow.
12. How would you react to being put in a position of leadership?
SM: I don't like it.
13. Would you be good at providing medical assistance?
SM: Would a starving bear be good at it? Carajo.
14. Who would you say knows you best?
SM: Silver. Maybe a little too much.
15. Is there a person you would turn to for backup in a fight?
SM: The boys. Either of them, for different reasons.
16. Who would you most like to sign your cast if you got one?
SM: If I were able to get a cast? Everyone, probably.
17. How well do you work with others?
SM: Well enough.
18. What is your favorite form of affection?
SM: Minding your business.
19. Do you enjoy celebrating holidays?
SM: I really don't care.
20. What would it take for you to get into a fight?
SM: Not much.
Mind, Body and Soul
1. What is a habit you have that others might find cute?
SM: I don't think anyone would ever find me cute.
2. Are there any particular sounds you're fond of?
SM: Heartbeats.
3. Are you more prone to fight or flight?
SM: Fight.
4. Do you believe in myths and fairytales?
SM: Do you?
5. What words could tear you down?
SM: None.
6. How well do you act under pressure?
SM: Pressure isn't something I'm familiar with.
7. Are you good at practicing self-care?
SM: That's not a luxury I can afford.
8. What do you find most comforting?
SM: Not comforting, but I'd rather be left alone.
9. Do you have any allergies?
SM: No.
10. Are you a light, medium or heavy sleeper?
SM: I don't need sleep.
11. Do you have a strong willpower?
SM: Given how everyone around me remains safe and ignorant, I'd say yes.
12. Are you more likely to give advice or take it?
SM: Johnny seems to ask me for advice often, and I can't understand why.
13. How do you relax?
SM: I don't.
14. Is there a secret you long to hear?
SM: The method to end this madness.
15. Do you have a sleep routine?
SM: I used to.
16. Would you feel confident in a fight?
SM: Why would you be in a fight otherwise?
17. Are you more energized in the morning, afternoon or at night?
SM: Night. Self explanatory.
18. How often do you have nightmares?
SM: ...Often.
19. Are there scents you dislike?
SM: Blood.
20. Is there a fear you'd like to learn to overcome?
SM: I fear nothing.
21. If you had to act in a play, what role do you think you'd perform best?
SM: Background character. A tree or something.
22. Do you have a high pain tolerance?
SM: Pain is a quality of the living.
Hobbies and Activities
1. What kind of games do you most enjoy playing?
SM: Silver introduced me to Castlevania. Good game.
2. Do you have a secret hobby?
SM: Its a secret.
3. What talent do you wish you had?
SM: The talent to end this quickly.
4. Is there an activity you used to enjoy that you now dislike?
SM: ...Hard to decide.
5. Which do you prioritize more, work or hobbies?
SM: Work.
6. Do you work better with creative or technical endeavors?
SM: Direct endeavors.
7. What is a talent you're proud of?
SM: The talent to brutalize all these parasites.
8. Are you more outdoorsy or indoorsy?
SM: ...
SM: "Indoorsy".
9. What is a topic you'd be exited to talk about?
SM: Again. Can't feel excitement.
10. Is there a skill that you don't know you're bad at?
SM: I-- What?
11. Do you have any injury story?
SM: Fine. Since you're so insistent. Let's see, I've been stabbed and maimed multiple times. I've had my limbs torn one by one. I've been cut in half. Decapitated. Had my bones broken. One time I had to gouge my own eyes out. Had my tongue pulled off. My neck broken. I've been ripped apart, and one other time I was eviscerated. Then I got flayed. Had my skull caved in, my mandible displaced. And lately I had my brains blown out with my own friend's gun.
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SM: Oh, and this one time a creep bit me and drank my blood. But really, it didn't hurt. Happy now?
12. What kind of music do you enjoy?
SM: I used to like pop. But lately, I've been subjected to hours of rock music by Silver.
SM: It's not so bad. The guttural screams keep my... mind off things.
13. Have you ever made something for yourself or someone else?
SM: I used to cook often.
14. What is your opinion on cheating in games?
SM: A necessary evil sometimes.
15. How good are you at following through on projects?
SM: VERY good.
16. What's an activity that reminds you of someone else?
SM: That's... I don't wanna answer that.
17. Do you prefer music or silence?
SM: Its complicated.
18. What is something you wouldn't wanna talk about?
SM: I don't want to talk about it.
🌸My Super Long Hopefully Fun Character Ask Game:
👕Appearance
What is your character's favorite physical trait they possess?
What would your character wear if they were told they had to gussy up?
Is there something about your character's appearance that they would change if possible?
Does your character have a favorite material they like to wear?
What are your character's opinion on scars?
How much interest does your character take in trends?
Is there someone your character tries to look similar to?
Does your character have a physical trait that they're known for?
What does your character smell like?
If your character could splurge on a particular garment, what would it be?
Is your character's favorite color a color they wear often?
Has your character gone through major stylistic or physical changes?
What is something your character would refuse to wear?
Is there a style your character is afraid they can’t pull off?
Would your character wear something someone else picked out for them?
Is your character's appearance more telling or deceiving?
What are your character's thoughts on wearing costumes?
Does your character have a favorite outfit?
If your character had to get a tattoo what would it be?
📦Objects
Is there an item your character doesn't like to leave without?
What gift would your character give to someone they didn't like but felt obligated to?
What type of object is likely to catch your character's attention?
Is there an item your character liked that they can’t get back? 
Would your character ever try to haggle?
What is something your character is proud to own?
Does your character ever spend more than they have?
What would it take for your character to give up an item they really like?
Does your character prefer to give or receive gifts?
Is there a type of object your character doesn’t like?
What might an acquaintance think is a good gift for your character?
Does your character personify objects?
What does your character most enjoy shopping for?
Is there an item your character is embarrassed they own or want?
Would your character prefer something bought or made personally?
Is your character willing to ask for things?
What is most important to your character when shopping?
🍽️Food and Drink
What flavor would your character say their personality is?
Would your character prefer baking, cooking or mixing drinks?
Is there a food or drink your character is unwilling to try?
How big is your character's appetite?
Does your character consider eating fun?
Would your character eat or drink something they didn't like to appease someone?
Is there food that has made your character sick?
What is your character's favorite food group?
Does your character like to try new foods?
What is a childhood meal your character cherishes?
Is your character food motivated?
Which mealtime is your character's favorite?
How much does your character care about wasting food?
Does your character prefer restaurant food or home cooked food?
What food or drink does your character consider a treat?
Is there a food texture your character doesn't like?
What kind of drinks does your character prefer?
🌤️Weather and Nature
What would your character do if they were suddenly caught in the rain?
Has your character had a meaningful encounter with an animal?
What season would your character say they're most similar to?
Is there a natural phenomenon that scares your character?
Has your character ever had an animal phase?
Would your character enjoy sky gazing?
Does your character have a good sense of direction?
What type of environment does your character like best?
Is your character good with animals?
How would your character react to snow?
What part of nature would your character most resonate with?
Could your character survive in the wilderness on their own for a week or more?
What element best represents your character?
Does your character prefer hot or cold weather?
Is there a creature that scares your character?
What celestial body would interest your character the most?
Is your character good with plants?
How willing would your character be to nap outside?
What animal would your character say best represents them?
🤝Community and Relationships
Does your character prefer company or solitude when sick?
What is your character's favorite kind of social event?
How comfortable would your character be singing and dancing in front of others?
Is your character upfront about their feelings?
Who would your character first seek if they needed medical help?
How willing would your character be to go to a party with people they don't know?
Who is your character most honest with?
How likely is it for your character to initiate a friendship?
Where is your character's comfort place?
Is there a habit your character has that they learned from someone else?
Does your character have people they think would worry about them if they got injured?
How would your character react to being put in a position of leadership?
Would your character be good at providing medical assistance?
Who would your character say knows them best?
Is there a person your character would turn to for backup in a fight?
Who would your character most want to sign their cast if they got one?
How well does your character work with others?
What is your character's favorite form of affection?
Does your character enjoy celebrating holidays?
What would it take for your character to get into a fight?
💓Mind, Body and Soul
What is a habit your character has that others might find cute?
Are there particular sounds your character is fond of?
Is your character more prone to fight or flight?
Does your character believe in myths and fairy tales?
What words could tear your character down?
How well does your character act under pressure?
Is your character good at practicing self-care?
What scents does your character find comforting?
Does your character have any allergies?
Is your character a light, medium or heavy sleeper?
Does your character have strong willpower?
Is your character more likely to give advice or seek it?
How does your character relax?
Is there a secret thing your character longs to hear?
Does your character have a sleep routine?
Would your character feel confident in a fight?
Is your character more energized in the morning, afternoon or at night?
How often does your character have nightmares?
Are there scents your character dislikes?
Is there a fear your character wants to learn to overcome?
If your character had to act in a play what role would they think they’d best perform?
Does your character have a high pain tolerance?
🎲 Hobbies and Activities
What kind of games does your character most enjoy playing?
Does your character have a secret hobby?
What is a talent your character wishes they had?
Is there an activity your character used to enjoy that they now dislike?
Which does your character try to prioritize more, work or hobbies?
Does your character work better with creative or technical endeavors?
What is a talent that your character is proud of?
Is your character more outdoorsy or indoorsy?
What is a topic your character would be excited to talk about? 
Is there a skill your character doesn’t know they’re bad at?
Does your character have any injury stories?
What kind of music does your character enjoy?
Has your character ever made something for themselves or someone else?
What is your character’s opinion on cheating in games?
How good is your character at following through on projects?
What’s an activity that reminds your character of someone else?
Does your character prefer music or silence?
What is a topic your character wouldn't want to talk about?
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blujayonthewing · 7 months ago
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pitched battle inside my brain between the part of me that's desperately shaking myself by the shoulders going "YOU HAVE GOT TO ACTUALLY LIVE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU IMAGINE INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUND IMAGINING IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!" and the part of me that's clutching my face going "is this allowed? is this allowed?? is this allowed???"
#trying to plan a solo cicada pilgrimage and getting brainworms about it yeehaw#'making a lot of plans and never actually doing things in real life' has been a problem for literally as long as I can remember#but I also feel like I've developed a learned helplessness over the last several years that's gotten worse as I've gotten older??#me age twenty: I think I'm gonna take myself to chicago next week because I feel like going to the zoo#me age thirty: am I allowed to go camping alone. am I allowed to do a solo road trip. I need a grownup#to be extremely clear I am very much allowed and this is not justin's fault and I don't know where it comes from#like I'll run things by him lowkey seeking 'permission' that I don't even need and he'll be like 'yeah that sounds good to me'#and then I STILL won't do the thing because like. my brain keeps insisting there needs to be a grownup in charge?? HELLO I'M GROWNUP#anyway I'm doing cicada trip solo BECAUSE-- the drive is so long I want to do five days because two of them will just be driving#and he can't get that much time off work right now#AND because I literally only want to Be Camping and Looking At Bugs but he'd get bored of a week of that he likes Activities#me this morning getting insecure and weird: what are your thoughts... on cicada voyage....#him after at first not even understanding the question: I'm SO excited for you?? you deserve to get to go absolutely feral???#I do.... ;n; 💕 why am I so scared to be a person.......#about me#cicada quest
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bunnihearted · 1 month ago
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did ​meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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alexseanchai · 15 hours ago
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the closest I can think of to people being able to hold accountable anonymous voters around the country is people collectively holding accountable those individual Trump voters who, though anonymous to all the other Harris voters, might, by reason of existing family or social ties, actually listen to the specific individuals approaching them.
let me use myself to illustrate the problem: I keep re-re-re-scripting in my head a phone call to my mother, who I'm 99% sure has voted Trump three times now, though I only know for certain about 2016. the current iteration involves asking her to compare the Trump and Biden administrations to the sheep and goats parable, like, assume Jesus named his six most important political issues in Matthew 25—provide food to the hungry, drink to the thirsty, welcome to the stranger, clothes to the insufficiently clothed, care and contact with the outside world to the sick and the prisoner—and which four of the last eight years accomplished more of those, which more thoroughly, which more effectively? cite your sources.
and if she were the honest, compassionate Christian I thought she was when she was raising me to be one, that would work!
but if she were, it would have worked summer of 2016.
so anything I could say in that phone call would just boil down to saying either "I told you so" or "do you believe me now?", in a way that makes sure her disability access needs trump mine—which would be an important contributor to almost guaranteeing I'll have a meltdown—and incidentally hands her my phone number. there are very good reasons why she does not know it.
sooo yeah I'm not convinced that's even going to vaguely resemble me holding her accountable! which means it's also shit as a tiny fraction of a percent of the project of Harris voters collectively holding Trump voters accountable; back to the drawing board
I could try talking to any of the other Trump voters in my life, I suppose? but other than being pretty sure my parents are far from the only ones, I don't know who any of them are
.
.
(leftist LARPing to the detriment of actual me. reminding myself of that might actually help, thank you)
Every time you think to yourself, "I want the people who voted That Way to learn their lesson," I want you to come back to this post and ask yourself, "Is that really more important than marginalized people's safety? Am I engaging in Leftist LARPing to the detriment of actual people?"
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orcelito · 2 months ago
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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running-in-the-dark · 7 months ago
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I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I'm getting my conch piercing swapped out for a shorter one. that's gonna be stressful 🙃
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ava-fortnite · 4 hours ago
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Well, this better have taught him a couple things about that. If it hasn't? I dunno if there's any hope for the guy...
*She got a rather solemn look on her face as Evie spoke, keeping silent the whole time. She felt..guilty almost, for knowing nothing of this. She wasn't a wastelander herself of course, so how could she? Should she have asked about it before though? It's not as if she wasn't curious, she just never knew if it was the right time to pry into his past. The wasteland had seemed like sort of a sensitive topic anyway, with how he spoke of his original home being gone...*
*She paused on pondering that, as a set of phrases echoed in her mind.*
*No cracks, no chinks, no breaks...*
*No failure.*
*She knew the feeling, a little too well for her liking. Suddenly, it felt like she could understand Don perfectly.*
Yeah...I guess it is, huh? Never thought about it like that, or thought about..any of that stuff.
*Evie thankfully managed to keep her from thinking on that for too long. Leave her to ponder any longer, and she'd get depressed all over again. She smiled and nodded at Evie's encouraging words, hoping she could sense how thankful she was. This girl was offering up her home as a meeting spot, and cooking for them too? Not to mention that offer to join whatever organization she was a part of. This girl was way more generous than she thought...*
Aw c'mon, well now I just feel bad! Never meant to have you working overtime, had no idea things were so competitive back then! Was I really working myself that hard? Must've forgotten all about that, damn...
*She caught the phone with ease, putting Evie's number into her contacts before tossing the phone back to her.*
Oh absolutely! She's a very sweet and social bunny, loves any affection she can get! Though I think you might be spoiling her a bit, hehe...
*She knelt down next to Evie, petting the bunny along it's back as she let out a relieved sigh.*
I...think I'm gonna prepare myself to talk with Don now. Maybe I'll take a walk around the ship, gather my thoughts out there instead of being cooped up in here all day.
*Evie knocks softly on the door of Ava's room on the Leviathan.*
Hello, Ava? It's Evie, from the Syndicate, do you remember? I'm sorry to intrude, but do you have a minute?
@long-live-evie
*Ava was laying back on the couch, head propped against a pillow as she lazily scrolled through social media. This would've been utterly boring for her, had she not experienced one of the most stressful weeks in recent memory. She'd accept a slow, uneventful day with pleasure, especially since it gave her an excuse to stay home and dote on Pepper.*
*She would've stayed like this for another half hour or so, had someone not knocked on her door. Before she could even ask who it was, the stranger had gladly answered for her, prompting her to shoot up in somewhat of a panic.*
*Oh shit. That's Evie. Her boss. Her boss who hasn't contacted her for almost a year now.*
*She immediately hopped off the couch and went to open the door, forcing herself to smile. It wasn't that she was unhappy to see Evie, but she certainly didn't want to accidently give her a resting bitch face.*
Evie..! Hey, wow it's been a very long time! Don't think I could ever forget you! I mean I've kinda been wondering where you've been for the past year, especially since the Peace Syndicate went quiet on me and haven't given me any jobs which means I've been living off bounties for a whole year...
...But yeah it's good to see you're fine! I've absolutely got a minute, come in!
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nervocat · 5 months ago
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man.
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#gonna say I'm venting a bit (kinda of a lot)#but I may seem selfish from this and let me say now ik everyone was putting themselves first (which is a very good thing)#but having three mutuals deactivate their accounts within I think two months or so??#I rlly don't like to be negative and I might also take a break from Tumblr (as much as I love posting here#so I'm still unsure if I'll even stick to that) bc of how negative I've been lately#I just don't want to keep venting and putting that on everyone so#but yeah I just. It makes me sad to see old/new mutuals go#I never thought I'd have to like#witness it#Idk#I've cried over losing them all and it feels rlly silly but I mean idk#I (try to — my feelings with crying are iffy and I hate admitting I do cry) not cry over everything but I just can't word stuff rn#might be posting less/not posting at all for the next few days or so#I'm gonna be busy in July anyways so it's probably better to just say that now#sorry guys I'm just dealing with some stuff mentally lately (an example being gender dysphoria but I can't even word the stuff going on#not to sound like I'm overexaggerating bc I rlly don't wanna seem like I am. It's nothing too serious so don't#be worried at all pls I'm ok enough I won't just disappear)#I just wish I could have alone time in my room with my cats without my family bugging me for a few days#It's tiring atp#I wanna lock myself up just to recooperate and figure out how to deal with certain things the best I can#anyways yap fest over I'm gonna go play wuwa and build Jinshi more#sorry for venting again 🫡🫡
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blondeaxolotl · 1 year ago
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Idk if you have done so already and I hope it's not rude of me to ask, but have you thought about making a list of all the characters you have swapped in your swap AU so far? I think it would be a very comprehensive guide for all that are interested.
Have a nice week! Cheers!
I haven't actually made a list of all the swapped characters or even thought about making one, but good idea! I keep track of the swaps mostly in my head only but since I've gotten so far with this au more than I expected myself to, I think a character guide would be quite handy. Of course it won't have all the characters, only the ones that have been swapped already/I've confirmed who they're swapped with
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moafleco · 2 months ago
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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izzy-b-hands · 9 months ago
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Reason number idk to keep my shot day more consistent (tho tbf i had been doing really well on timing up until last week lmao):
Shot day being off means i get extra weepy over just. anything. everything. My brain looks at anything and goes 'oh yeah, that's like (horrible traumatic memory), you 'member that? Yeah, sure ya do! here's a recap of that particular time for ya too.'
and like??? I am not a fan of it today. i mean i never really am but, I have shit to do rn lmao (dishes and i keep having smutty ed/izzy and nathan/pickles ideas that refuse to actually flow on the page once i open a word doc.)
#text post#typing this up more as warning that i might be extra messy the next few days#there's an in person work thing this Friday im terrified of bc my transphobic supervisor is gonna b there and like#it's abt four hours counting travel time so i know I'll need the bathroom at least once while im there and he made a Big Deal of it b4#and i just. am not looking forward to figuring out how to handle this in addition to it being So Many Ppl in One Small Room w/me#my brain deciding that anytime i have even a minor hormonal shift means weeping and constant memory reliving time is not helping that either#all the more reason to keep next week's shot on fucking time!!!!!#but. yeah. might be some sad lil text posts like this and reblogging a lot of my usual fixations to distract myself#but for now: dishes while i consider my ed cockwarming Izzy's strap idea &#my nathan panic proposes to pickles post apocalypse w/the ring he made for Abigail idea#that one is actually mostly written but. doesn't feel quite right yet#i do like the detail that nathan got it in pickles size & planned to resize it for Abigail#bc he didn't know her ring size but he has pickles' memorised along with all his other measurements tbh#so it just. fits right away and is revealed that they designed the ring as their shared dream engagement ring during a frienderbender#and 'whoever finds the right person first can use it with them' but oh. it was made for the right person all along. right there#a stitched up charles officiates while they're just. sitting in a pile of burning rubble aksndjfngn#anyway enough of this i must dishes and address the anxiety stomachache starting now that i thought abt the work thing 💀
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martsonmars · 2 years ago
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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