#i'll give myself time to recover. focus on my interests again. and school.

[orcelito]

I was on call for nearly 7 hours between streaming my samurai game, watching anime, and then just chatting some. Which was really great for getting my mind off things!!! Hung out with a good assortment of friends, which was pretty great.

Though. Now I'm alone again. Which I usually enjoy. But it also has me remembering why I was on such a long call to start with...

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know whether I should mention this. She's primarily my grief therapist, so it'd maybe feel weird to spring something else on her... but I don't know...

[inusmasha]

Just rambling about InuKag dynamics I don't see ppl talk about.

this is 'long post' disclaimer .

Its a ghostly day today, and I have it all to myself. So while defrosting this english muffin I started musing about what sort of dynamics I like most in fiction. Like not just romantic wise. I wanted to figure out what was.. the tension? I enjoyed most... between what two archetypes?

And I what I noticed is that I love a good Mentor/Mentee dynamic. It's something that's been pretttyyyy consistent since childhood. (I can't name any atm to help my argument but you feel compelled to keep reading)

However, I didn't see how this would fit InuKag? My Titanic? My ship of dreams? My childhood? InuKag sometimes stands out like a sore thumb compared to my other interests. I was going to chalk it up to "Well it's baby's first anime so.." UNTIL..

I realized the fandom tends to focus on how Kagome helped Inuyasha (recover his lost heart, humanity, the unconditional selfless love, understanding ect.) but like.. we don't really talk about what he provides for her as much? And I'd love to indulge you with my take but we'd have to go over why I think Kagome decided to leave the modern world and opt for a life in wilderness of the Feudal Era.

Yes, yes. A big part is Inuyasha. That is a huge driving factor. But Im saying step back and see what's happening in the grand scheme of things.

I think..for Kagome..her romance with Inuyasha acted as a portal to a type of freedom she didn't know she craved. He acts as a guide of sort. He gives her access and safe passage to explore this dangerous world fully without fear. It reminds me of when I was with my first bf and I was over the moon happy when I realized I could walk around at night with him. It was THRILLING to my sheltered teen ass. It was like I was holding the key to the VIP room. I was allowed backstage. He was a door that opened me up to new experiences that would not of been available to me at that time otherwise!

And then the benefit of being immersed in nature. With your lover. Who is a figure that exists outside of the society that was keeping you locked up in the first place. Kagome's name is also referencing 'a bird in a cage'.

Like?

Kagome also serves as a guide for Inuyasha. She brings him back from the liminal space of the forest to the village/community/connection. Again opening him up to the possibility of trusting others and forming bonds and setting down roots in the village.

Kagome also represents us the Audience. She is our perspective. She is "The Ordinary Teenage Girl". She's pulled into the well like we are being pulled into the narrative. She grapples with her identity. Her purpose. Her abilities. She's lip singing to Kelly Clarkson with her hairbrush in front of the mirror. She's trying to get to school but...OOP...You know what? I'm 16. I'm suddenly in a fairy tale. The faries spirited me away and I can't take the test right now. The magical jewel was in my hip you see. I'll think about high school entrance exams later when I'm done shooting my sparkly arrows.

You can't sit there and tell me that you didn't long to escape the druggery that came after graduating lol? The what so I do now? The who am I ? And where do I belong? What major do I want? I have to buy a house now? No? I have to fix my credit score-

No babe. You're going to hitch a ride on your bf's back with ya hair down and eat fruit by a waterfall. He's going to ask you wtf a test is to the sound of a million birds chirping in the morning. Then you're going to go back to your loving village that welcomes you home and calls you a hero.

It makes sense that she stayed. It makes sense. You just gotta... see the vision.. you gotta FEEEEL the escapism.

Anyway yeah lol. Not really a mentor to each other per say but their meeting was a catalysis for a lot of growth and learning and trials and tribulations that changed them for the better. And it just feels similar.

[mental-health-advice]

i'm a teenager, and i have no actual irl friends. sure, i hang out with some people at my school, but i never feel like i fit in, be it bc im queer or bc they just seem to not care about me. i'm also like, not exactly the weird kid, but to give you an idea i stumble over my words a lot and am very Very socially awkward. i have 2 very good online friends and i love them a lot, but they just don't help with how lonely i feel all the time (and theres also two other people from my school that i'd love to befriend but they both have their own best friends and dont really interact with me). only feeling comfortable around my homophobic mom feels humiliating–i cant be myself or feel safe around my classmates, because im worried they'll somehow think i'm annoying. this shit was like, the root of a major depressive episode i had last year, and even though ive completely recovered now, im still scared i'll end up knee deep in shit again. girl help

Hey there,

It can be really difficult when we want to be friends with another but then for one reason or another it just doesn’t work out or we feel we are on the outside of the relationship with them due to them having other good friends. Have you mentioned that you wanted to be friends with them though even if it’s more someone to hang out with. Even though one person may have a best friend/s, it doesn’t mean they can’t have other friends too.

You mentioned that you don’t really feel safe with your classmates as you fear they will view you as being annoying or something like that. Whilst this is a completely valid concern to have, if you don’t try to interact with others then you will never know how it may go, you may even make a friend or two out of it! Start slow though, get to know them, likes/ dislikes, if you have anything in common. If you have to do a project with other class mates then try to take an interest in what they say, try to start a conversation with them – it can be a lot easier to focus on becoming friends with just one person as opposed to a handful of people all at once!

I know it can be so hard when you feel like you are socially awkward, and you stumbling over your own words wouldn’t help your self-esteem either, but it doesn’t mean that these things cannot be helped over time and worked through. For example, have you ever thought about looking at yourself through a mirror and practice having conversations and focusing on your words and speech in general. Sometimes when we stumble over words (I use to be the same and especially when I was feeling incredibly anxious) it can be due to anxiety like I just mentioned and a good way to work on that is to try to slow your talking down and especially if you are a fast talker. So when in a conversation don’t forget to breathe and focus on where full stops or commas should be put in just like as if you were writing something down on paper.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[livelovelaug-h]

Irreplaceable you pt 2

Sam x reader

Warnings- cancer: sad times. Angst. :(( Grab the tissues still.

"So I decided to cut out gluten. That was like the first thing that I did. I would just like wake up in the morning and feel like totally fatigued. Just like, "eh."

You laugh. This could be good. Next girl.

"You know, um his job he doesn't really like talking about it." She laughs. ?

Next girl. "You know what's funny I have a cat named Sam."

"oh okay."

"yeah." Nope. "Thank you."

You're writing down on some papers a few notes notes: too slutty. Too needy. Too freaky. Too neurotic.

Next girl.

"So it says on your online profile you were Phi Beta Kappa?" You ask.

"I had no life in college." You laugh.

"And now you're a researcher for the National Institute of Health?"

"Yes. Still have no life. I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone. I'm where I want to be career-wise, and I really would like to settle down and have a family."

She adds: "sorry, Natural caretaker. Also overbearing neurotic."

"I'm the same way." You say. "Um... Let's set up a date."

"Okay. Um, just... If I could just be honest with you, um, I just don't quite understand why a man would send his assistant to pre-interview women. I just... I don't get it. "

"Yeah, um... Here's the deal." She could tell by your face.

"Sally! Please don't hold it against him!" She starts walking away.

"This is the craziest thing like ever!"

You started picking up the papers to go catch the girl but you ran into in the waitress. "Oh, shit. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry! "

"No, I got it."

"It's kind of a long story."

"I... I think I heard it. I mean, I know I shouldn't, but spying on the customers is like the only thing that makes this job halfway bearable. You are way more interesting than most. "

"I know, it's unusual." You say.

"Yo, dude, I think it's awesome. Like, my mom died seven years ago. I was in high school. And after she passed, my dad spent every night alone. And I tried to tell him, "Go out. Live life. Find someone." But not just anyone. The right person. "

"Exactly. Which is hard."

She laughs "Right. imean, do you have any like friends or anything that could like take him off your hands?"

"Yeah his brother but not anyone that would get this girl stuff."

"Right. I mean, the thing is, finding the right one is actually about volume. You should host a mixer, like, invite some people."

"Yeah, right. Nothing says "fun" like a mixer hosted by your dying girlfriend."

"I mean, I'm having an art opening... at this gallery space on Friday. you could use it as a front.You, like, wouldn't even need to be there. And... And an art opening could bring together some really interesting women. Like the right types. Not that there wouldn't be some people there with like interested in the free snacks, but... "

"I wouldn't want to..."

"No, honestly, dude, you'd be doing me a real solid."

you laugh. I'm y/n.

"I'm Mira."

~~~~~~~~~

"A hundred and fifty dollars? This place is a rip-off. I could make this myself one week tops." Myron says.

"Focus, please. We just need to freshen up Sam's look a little."

"Why is that again?"

" Trust me. Any woman that meets him

is gonna want to shop for him. The wrong one will put him in these. He wears all plaid all the time"

"What are you doing?" You ask myron.

"What?"

"You're the only one who gets to make bad decisions because you're dying? Terminal cancer. Put it on my bill. "

"You're just so cool with everything. I'm not cool with any of this.

"I've been dying longer than you have. You get better at it. "

"How?"

"Well, it's like this vest. At first it's, "Why is that old man wearing that horrible vest? Pretty soon I become the vest guy. After that, you realize that you'd hardly recognize me without it. I look comfortable in it. It's a part of me, so... you accept it. "

"I don't think I can ever accept you in that vest."

"No?" He asks.

"Try this on. I want to see what it'll look like on Sam."

"Okay."

"But let me pair it with some skinny jeans."

Laughs.

"Okay. I look three days younger. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"These... Oh! They're cutting off my circulation. Seriously, my ankles are tingling, my feet are asleep."

"You look hot!"

"It's just... Can I ask what this is about?"

"Just some retail therapy. "

"Right. And where am I supposed to put my phone?"

"Now... Okay, this jacket is dry clean only. Which means, if I'm not around, do not put this in the laundry."

"I know what that means y/n."

"Oh. Shit. Laundry. All right, so... In here." You walk to the washer and he asks:

"Really?"

" Okay, so... "

" I know how to turn it on."

"Yeah, but colors, whites, delicates."

".. Right."

"The dryer sometimes gets stuck, so, uh, you just give it two kicks. you kick it twice Right here. Like that. And it will generally unstick itself."

Sam kicks it twice.

"Exactly."

"Uh, this dial is the minutes. It tells you how much time you have left.......... um, If the time runs out..... before the clothes are ready, you just... turn the dial."

"Hmm. Wait." You say feeling uneasy.

" What?"

[groaning] "are you okay?"

You start coughing and head towards the sink. You start throwing up.

"yeah I have that effect on women." You both laugh. "Too soon...?"

You say "yeah too soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her and her nightly what ifs. It was adorable though.

"What if I had run away and joined a cult?"

"I guess I would have to join too."

"What if relationships between cult members was frowned upon?"

"Like an asexual cult?"

"Yeah. And you couldn't do an intervention and get me out because I was totally brainwashed."

"Hmm. Well, I guess I would have to become a rival cult leader, re-brainwash you. according to my philosophy, and then steal you away into my cult, which would be a sex cult."

You start dying with laughter.

"What if I were exactly like me, except I had really terrible halitosis. I would get you a mint. Or I would destroy the olfactory receptors in my nose so that I didn't care."

....."What if I die?

"I would...

never recover." You guys cuddle and go to bed.

~~~~~ the next evening~~~~~~

You Sam and Dean are all In the same room.

"Should I be able to tell that you're circumcised in those jeans? 'Cause I can. And there's not a lot of, uh, room for imagination or your penis in those pants." You says.

"I don't want to go to this. I don't... I don't know anything about art."

You: "Yes you do. Would you relax? She just wants people there."

"Is she hot?" Dean asks.

"Trust me, Dean it will be a target rich environment." Sam answers.

"See? Come on, man. Free food, cute girls." Dean says.

~~~~~~~~~

"Come on, let's do this. " you say.

"How exactly do you know this artist again?"

"We met randomly at a cafe, and we really bonded and...

" When?"

' I... I don't know. I just... I don't want to disappoint her.

"Are you sure you can't come?" He asks you.

I- I don't feel up to it. Trust me.

"Okay. W... Well I'll go, just as long as you stop touching my hair.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey. "

'You're adorable." You say and he huffs a laugh. "Stop that!"

"Oh, he can move in them!"

"No, not really Dean."

Sam to Dean "you know i got a ring right before she told me she was 'pregnant and then now cancer."

"I didn't. You know you could still ask her."

"yeah she'll love that." he says sarcastically.

"it might give her some hope."

"yeah, maybe."

~~~~~~~In The car with myron outside the art meeting ~~~~~~~~~~

"Is he mingling?"

"He's admiring the art."

"Sam doesn't care much about art. Nah, he's just hoping if he keeps himself occupied with an activity, no one will actually talk to him."

[Myron] He's very good-looking.

Can I say that and not be awkward?

"Uh, yeah that's my whole point. What about you and your wife? How'd you two meet?"

"At a party."

"We were in college. We got hitched three years later. "

"That's it? No story?"

"The story came after. Getting married. Life. Building a home. Kids, grandkids."

"Sorry".

"It's okay. I won't know the difference, I guess."

"I just want those things for Sam."

"I have to hand it to you." Myron says.

"What?

"You are stubborn. This might be the worst plan in the world, but you're committed to it, and I like that."

"Yeah, well, don't be too impressed. Hasn't worked yet."

"I don't know about that." He says looking into the binoculars.

"What?" You look into the building.

"Let me see that." Sam is talking to Someone. "No, that's just the girl whose show it is."

[Myron] "So?"

"So she's just doing this as a favor to me. "

"So?"

"So, she's not his type."

"Yeah?"

You: "Oh, no. Don't do the snorty laugh.

"Ugh! He did the snorty laugh. Oh, he does that when he's... "

Myron : "When he's nervous."

"Happy."

"Here. Estelle's hot chocolate." Myron says ans hands you a coffee cup. "It cures whatever ails you. Except cancer."

He cheers "to the things we do for people we love."

~~~~~~~ bedtime ~~~~~

Sam walks in your shared bedroom. "I know you're not really sleeping. Because I know how your breathing sounds when you sleep. Which is something you don't even know about yourself."

laughs

"I know everything about you, y/n, But I have to say, you still know how to shock the hell out of me."

"What do you mean?"

"The clothes. The mixer. "

" Sam... "

"For the record, I am not a dummy. I know what's going on. And I went along with you trying to help me because I know it's helping you. But setting me up? Are you serious?"

"Please. You spend your life fighting monsters and researching all the time. Also always Looking after people."

"Sam, most people don't find what we had... have once, much less twice in a lifetime."

"What we have? You mean, a relationship where one person is... is lying, and sneaking around, and manipulating?*

" It's for your own good!"

"You just tried to manipulate my life! Or you mean a relationship where you have such a low opinion of me, that you truly believe that nobody else on the planet would ever fall for me."

"Obviously not. But that's the whole point!" You're gonna get swarmed, and it's gonna be impossible to find the right person!"

"I already found the right person! Or I thought I had." You

"Y/n/n's, I didn't... You know I didn't mean that. Hey, come here. are you okay?" He hugs you in the bed.

~~~~~~~~~ Sam and Dean sitting in the kitchen~~~~~~~

Sam: "What is she thinking? Does she think I'm completely clueless with women?"

"Dean?"

"No."

"Yeah? No.

" Wait, what?"

"you've just never seen me in action."

"Hm no, no and I never want to."

"What do I do?"

"Look, all you can do is be there for her, however you can. i mean, look, she's got to be scared out of her mind. And right now she needs to know that the worst thing happens.... That you are gonna be okay."

You and Myron go out bird watching. He speaks up : Are you ready to drop this mishigas with Sam?"

"You think I should?"

"Here's what I know: You don't have as much time as you think you do.*

" I don't?"

"No."

"What are you trying to say?" You ask heart racing.

"I'm not saying it, the Buddha did."

"I didn't realize you were Buddhist."

"I'm not, but it stuck with me. And it's true for you. It's true for every person on the planet."

[Myron] I need some snacks. Could you...

Oh. I can't believe you eat those things." You say handing him a bag of cheese curls.

"They're tasty."

"The chemo has clearly destroyed your taste buds."

"Try one".

"They're disgusting."

"Keep going. You get to tasty."

[crunches]. "The second bite is actually not as bad."

Myron: Good for you, too.

~~~~~ later at night~~~~

"Okay. Someone... who hikes." Sam says randomly.

"What?"

In the future, if I ever did this again, which I probably won't, but if I did, and if it makes you feel better to know, it would be with someone who hikes."

" We never hike."

'Because you hate it."

"That's not true."

"We took that one hike up Bear Mountain Six years ago, you complained the entire time."

"That's because hiking is boring. It's basically walking. And walking is something you do to get somewhere. Hiking from your car up a hill and then back to your car is totally pointless."

"Okay". he laughs.

"Duly noted." You say. "Hiking.

"Thank you."

"What else?"

" I like dancing." You scoff.

"I would like to try ballroom dancing classes. You know, like the fox-trot or the waltz, even though... "

"It's lame."

" I know you think it's lame."

''The fox-trot? Seriously?''

" Yeah!"

"How about something just moderately nerdy like swing."

"Is this person for you or for me?

"Okay.".

" Good. I get it. I'll update your profile.

"What profile?"

"This profile."

"God."

"You're welcome".

Next morning on a walk--

"So you've been pretending to be me?"

"you're sick you know that?"

"so?"

"okay so how do you like this profile picture?"

"you took a picture of me sleeping??"

"hey come on I've worked really hard on this. No? You don't okay fine. Want to take another one?"

"yeah let's take another one."

"Okay" he sits down on the bench and smiles. You press the button and bammm.

"what do you think of that?."

"oh it's good!"

"uh huh."

"do it in black and white."

Sam: "are you coming to bed?"

(glass shatters) "oh."

"y/n??" He walks in the room. "Y/n what is it?"

"It's broken."

" Oh, shit."

" It's broken."

"It's okay. We can just... We can get another one. It's fine."

'No, we can't! You gave it to me when we were kids.." you cry but he picks you up and takes you to bed. He holds you all night and lets you cry. He knows this can't be easy.

To be continued

[vael]

For the next X weeks, I'll be a meme. Behold Punished Vael, a play on the Punished Snake meme. In a conversation with my wife, I joked I was being punished for my past habits and decisions in many ways, and should take on the persona of Punished Vael. Well I'm all about shame and penance, so I've decided I will do that in the name of efficiency and personal growth.

y tho

What prompted this memery was mismanagement of my finances. I'm no high roller, but I put money where it matters most: food, the children, technology. I've been trying to "buy it once" and with another child planned, it's easy to justify big expenses for their betterment. The trouble was that my family could maintain this lifestyle on my income, but not after the recurring costs of a new SUV and my daughter's health insurance, in addition to all the big expenses since her birth. I simply ignored mint.com and went on living.

It was my job to relay our financial status to my wife, who handles the bulk of the shopping, and I failed to give an accurate representation of what we could afford. I'm ashamed to admit this was the first time in my life that I'd accrued interest on a credit card.

As punishment, I'm taking on some web dev work to make up for it. This hits me where it hurts the most: my free time, most of which I spend making games. A weaker man would say that slowing down my hobby work is forgivable when I have a baby, my 9-5 job, and now this upcoming contract, but that isn't going to be happening. At least not if I can help it. I'll talk about that at the end of this post.

But Wait, There's More

A few weeks ago I tried to make progress on my goal of 2021 to be "in the best shape I have ever been in." After a few days, I hurt my lower back from it, and my thoracic spine hasn't been in good shape since I injured it in 2018. This is from two decades of bad computer chair posture. I've always given my back problems some consideration, but never had a point in my life where I prioritized their recovery or at least improvement. The result is my body punishing me with less freedom of movement. I likely will be unable to achieve my fitness goals this year due to my lifestyle of being chained to a PC.

It isn't just my back: I've been lazy with my dry eye condition too. It hasn't been as inconvenient, but it's still something I should get ahead of. I've made (and have been following for two weeks now) a spreadsheet which I've taped to my wall to physically check off that I've done what I need to do to recover.

Then? Cognitive performance. I've tried and failed -- and will not fail again -- at being less distracted by websites and apps. My sleep habits are reprehensible: I need to get used to waking up at 6:15 for my son's school bus, but I'm consistently clocking out anywhere from 11:30 to midnight. I barely run Forest anymore.

So my short-term memory's shot. My long-term memory is suffering. I made a scary mistake driving (thankfully, solo). To think that games or social media usage could cause real harm to myself and those around me, all because I can't regulate myself, fills me with enough self-loathing to actually feel masochistic for Punished Vael.

Finally, I do want to briefly touch on my relationships. I've lost one friend this year and will likely lose another soon, and while the former was inevitable, the latter's had me really considering that I might have to dial back my natural candor. I am an "open book" (see: this post, my annual reviews) because I believe you should have nothing to fear about being yourself. I take ownership of my actions, even if I am not proud of them.

Something I had not considered was that my openness would encourage the other party to be open too, but then regret having done so. And, well, I'm intense. I want the best for people and my (sometimes unsolicited) advice can put them off, or make them feel pressured to perform or "keep up." I don't think that response is indicative of a weak relationship; I should probably learn to take it easier on others because not everyone operates how I do.

How Do?

I'm setting a very ambitious goal of simply not wasting any time in my day. Ultra efficiency for as long as I can meme. Every time I want to reach for my phone, or Facebook, or linger too long on some bullshit, I'll try to remember what's most important right now.

If I do a good job of it, it will be unsustainable, of course. I'm setting aside two hours of "solid" recreation for myself each night, and one hour of "fluid" recreation throughout the day: talking to friends, checking on my games, swinging by a pokéstop on the way home, etc. That's 3/16 hours of each day for myself, and I'll be doing this every day, including weekends. I'll be a little more forgiving with any "family time fun" like watching a movie, but the focus will still be on production and efficiency.

The other 13 hours will be spent on work, family, and repairing my body. I'll be trying to run Forest as often as I can. I expect to be blasting Meaningwave to help keep myself motivated with the likes of Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink. I don't know for how long I'll do this, but I can't imagine it ending before August. Certainly the contract I'm taking on will not.

So... time to get started. Thanks for reading.

Vael