#i'll get to stuff later today or try to
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😞 mfw no one wants to actually see the zombie bleed-
#010 //: out of character.#i'll find a way#he deserves to be punished for what he's done in the past tbh#but like i need someone's muse to make it /personal/ y'know? plant a knife between the ribs and t w i s t. break some bones#or even dismember him. force him to feel some fear to tuck tail and run. salamander-regen his hand back or smthign#i'll get to stuff later today or try to#just hoarding asks me'thinks till I get into thhe writing mood#might take an ibuprofen for my headache and see if that does anytrhing. withdrawal symptoms aren't fun y'all
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one thing about ik is that she will always reach out
#obey me#art#i had the idea for this and managed to bulldoze through drawing it all without losing motivation halfway through#but Do Not expect me to post art this frequently in future#idk how to do panels so if the middle bit with the text might be laid out weird#i added the stars and feathers and stuff because there was a bunch of empty space around the boxes#obey me satan#jtta ik#(btw the crumbling symbol next to the exploding feather is the wrath symbol from in-game)#(with the pride symbol attached upside down at the bottom)#(not so much symbolism as it is just me whacking you over the head with the point but it looks cool)#i had a lot of fun doing satan's more monstrous design so i might try my hand at some of the other demons later?#i do have some ideas for levi (deep sea creatures are just really fun)#also happy nightbringer release day!! it showed up on my homescreen like half an hour ago and i was like “wait what”#for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week??#the new genshin patch is today as well so looks like i'll have plenty to do with the rest of my free time for the easter hols#(i promise i'm also working on the next chapter of jtta but i am so stuck on how to get lucifer actually Talking)#anyway. here's a gold star for making it through all my rambling in the tags for anyone who did so: ⭐
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read a manga and went a little bonkers
#and by bonkers I mean kind of lost my shit a little bitmfghg#ugly wheezing sounds hELP#manga is Super no Ura de Yani Suu Futari#crawls out of the abyss to post a suggestive drawing once every 5 years aKFHJFJH#sketchbook stuff#still trying to get the hang of tones/trying to pay attention a little more when reading manga#I swear I'll get to the asks later today >:'D#my break time went from reading manga to furiously drawing lmao#-squints- jhmmmg actually I think if I showed the girl's right shoulder more/arm stretched out#would work better#also the guy's left arm is a wee wonky but eh#anywaYS
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i always forget how short marky is compared to everyone else.....
#what makes it funnier is dhes is not even that tall. literally only 5'7#5'8 on a good day#today i'm working on zip tie's death scene (hence...... marky)#then i have a roadkill scene to do & a red scene#& that might be it#i may........ do one more after that but i've already made 6 scenes so the edit is getting pretty long#i wanted to do more stuff with the side characters but i realized that most of their arcs are only loosely planned#& i don't want to make anything & then change my mind about it later#so i decided to only make scenes that are totally 100% set in stone in the story#i also wanted to try to include some lore about the actual apocalypse & how it started but i just don't know if i can make it fit#i'll probably need to do more than one of these types of edits tbh#which is fine actually bc these are kind of fun#this post is probably just gonna be about the main 7 plus cricket#cricket is like... the honorary 8th main character to me#my lil sad guy#rainyrambles
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This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.
#still unsure what i can do when adhd brain doesnt let me do my hobbies in the little free time i have#but in the other hand if i can be sure that if i got a health insurance plan thru the ACA on the state market#that it would still cover me even if the ACA gets slashed - including thru the following enrollment period (that they wont be able to drop#me due to 'preexisting condition'. then i can leave my job and have a lot more time to be active and involved with this stuff.)#like I'm gonna do what i can anywY and I'm not gonna assume i cant do anything bc i have a strong motivation w this so adhd brain might be#chill w letting me do something#it feels like theres no time left tho but I'm trying to ignore that#but i just got my work schedule for Thanksgiving week and between the wk before and wk of I'm working 7 days straight. bc I'm dumb and#volunteered to be the one to work on Thanksgiving Day (why. bc i didnt want to make the 60+ yr old do 7+ days in a row or the 20-yr old.)#(shouldve asked if the kid was willing tho tbh. I'm gonna be burned tf out so badly.)#and i shouldve asked for the rest of the week off tbh but only got the 29th and 30th off. boo.#anyway abd then its december and we're gonna be busy busy with stupid Xmas stuff plants decor etc...#I'm just. worried I'll blink and itll be january.#but lets try lets do..something somehow#id like to find a way to squeeze the eye dr. vaccines. and dental extractions and healing time in before January#as well as getting involved in this stuff#and trying to overcome my intense social anxiety to do so#and looking into health insurance stuff#and RESTING too. need to do that. somehow.#but my whole November is booked now bc of work.#id love a 4 day workweek instead of 5 at least tbh but cant be floral specialist if I'm not full time amd cant stay on the insurance thru#work if I'm not fulltime either#and somehwere in the midst is...thanksgiving hah. and hanukkah which is Very important especially noe#now*#one story of hanukkah is of a small group fighting back against oppressors and succeeding#so.#idk where I'm going with this. but this day off is half over and.. i did this list thing yesterday actually but added to it today.#today ive also...devoured all current pages of a miraculous ladybug fancomic. put up one load of laundry. and opened the door#dor some fresh air and commection grounding etc..#i should call the eye dr guy so i can get a basic eye exam sooner than later and get new lenses ordered bc my glasses are at least 2 yrs ood
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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Looks like I just lost another close friend to guy who isn't worth a pile of dog shit. 😊
#my best friend no less#i cried about this shit practically all afternoon but i'm all out of tears and now i'm just pissed off.#this shit has been going on for a long ass time but i've finally reached my breaking point with it#i love her#but she is delusional#and it kills me to say that#but that whole “relationship” (if you even want to call it that) is fake. all he cares about is money not her#the worst part is that she knows it too#oh but she “loves him” and “wants to give him one last chance” girl what the fuck?#oh but better yet he dumped her once 2 years ago already and i've hated his punk ass since#never should've gotten back tother after that and i told her as much even back then#all he does is make her cry#not do anything arount their town house#and sit on his ass and watch tv or sleep when he's not working#that's the tame stuff too i could say sooo much worse but i'm actually not trying to air her dirty laundry out her#i'm just pissed off#but suddenly IM the bad guy when tell her i won't support her or this “relationship” when she told me they were getting back together today#this is after i helped her and her parents ans brother move all her stuff out of the town house last Monday and back to her parents place#after she told me they were done for good#but IM the bad guy for bringing up all of fhe reasons listed above and all of the REALLY bad things about the relationship#when i tell her i won't be supporting her any longer and that i'll be walking away if she goes back to him#best part is her family agrees with me and they tell her all the things i say about him and then some#but when i go out on the line and put my heart down on the table for her and all i get back is a text saying:#“i don't really like how you're texting right now so we'll talk about this later.”#girl#i don't know whether or not i want to cry harder or strangle her#i think it's both#so yeah i think i just lost my best friend to a guy who doesn't remotly deserve her and everything kicks rocks rn#it's just like my other friend all over again#why do my friend have such dog shit taste in men
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Song of the Day: May 3
"Life Less Frightening" by Rise Against
#song of the day#'I don't ask for much / truth be told I'd settle / for a life less frightening'#another song that when I sing it alone it doesn't sound much like the original but I do so like to sing it#check me stirring my roux humming 'these lives we live test negative for happiness' sweetly to myself#today was Friday and I'm still trying to decide if I'm satisfied with the amount of work I got done this week#I suppose I'll have to be#I had my weekly report meeting and again the updates my boss asked for in the meeting were not the ones she asked me to prepare#so I split-screened her and delivered the prepared updates as I frantically opened and updated the new request#and then when she finished making politely falsely interested sounds (I'm not bitter I'm not I'm not) she asked again for the new update#and by then I had it ready! saved it as I brought up the share-screen and showed it to her#too frustrated in the moment to be properly proud of myself but now it's hours later and I'm feeling a little smug about it#little back-pats for me#I have something like a project timeline worked out for the idiot project#and I did some good work in the garden (nasturtium growing up the post under the bird feeder. very pleased it took the transplant so well)#and I sooooort of sorted the freezer stuff. kind of. mostly we ate the things I wanted to rearrange but I've got a plan for moving forward#the last non-work thing I'd really wanted to accomplish this week was getting my queue set up again here#I've gone through my drafts and done some prep but as you can see the queue isn't actually running again yet#hopefully I'll do that tomorrow. we'll see how it goes#the queue may have to wait until Sunday because I must confess if I can accomplish only one single solitary thing tomorrow#I would like it to be six hours of uninterrupted sleep. may it please the gods I shall rest tomorrow. blessed weekend#edit: wait wait I'm a fool I'm a fool I just typed 'May 3' and still I am a fool#it's May the Fourth!!#happy star wars day my loves if I don't get the queue up today after all#it's because I'm reshuffling everything because I've got a new influx of SW posts to distribute!!
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Wanted to start working on projects for my part-time school this weekend but instead all I have the energy to do is lay in bed and play mario kart or lay in bed and listen to music
#i started taking meds two days ago and over those two days i've felt even more dead energy-wise than before. if that's even possible#i hope this passes sooner than later because the semester's almost over#and i want to prepare something better to pass this course with than those projects that everyone did in class#and then it will finally (or rather already. time feels fake) be summer and no more obligations of such type. for now#altough i'll admit these last few months were rather easygoing#in terms of stuff i had to do for a set deadline and such#it would have been a much harder time for me otherwise#at least i'm getting this stuff sorted at last. slowly but surely#and enjoying my time gaming and listening to 4-5 albums a day on average as of the last two days#maybe 2024 is the year when my mental health problems finally caught up with me#but then with some dedication and direction i can also start getting out of it for once and for all#like i actually want to be proud of what i've done this year. because it's a lot#and it's things i wouldn't have found myself capable of just a few months ago#like. making this blog and actually sharing my feelings and thoughts somewhere#years of being your own only confidant really messes with your brain and ability to function as an adult it turns out#but yeah i hope i can get this sorted now and the meds help and make it easier to go about my previous plans for making myself feel better#i'll try not to post about this too much but i really needed to get this out today#i know many people vent on tumblr anyway but my brain will always make me feel bad about anything and everything i do lol#vent tag
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monster food is already different to human food (does not pass through a monster's whole body, does not spoil, etc.)
but then there's also ghost food (like the ghost sandwich blooky offers you). so like I guess there's sub-categories of monster food for different monster types sometimes?
humans are capable of eating some monster foods (Frisk can use consumable items and Chara lived underground for a while so they had to be eating something). but no one other than incorporeal ghosts can eat ghost food (even if they were a ghost but they now have a body)
ghosts might be able to eat other types of monster food (didn't Napstablook have a flier for the spider bake sale? so maybe they can eat that)
just wondering if there are other types of monster food and what sort of properties they might have…
#also. monsters might be able to eat human food?#the mouth monster at grillby's wants to try human food at least#and we know they can eat physical matter because asgore accidentally ate buttercups. made him sick ofc but he was able to swallow and stuff-#-I guess so#might depend on the monster type though because I don't know how a ghost or a skeleton would digest human food#grrr grr grr I feel like shit today and felt like rambling sorry#don't feel like elaborating on any more thoughts or headcanons here because I'm foggy#but feel free to reblog and add stuff if you want I guess#or send an ask and maybe I'll get to it later#idk. also wonder if human food can be converted into monster food#and just how monster food works in general#hhhh I'm a mess okay BYE
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Somehow, after months of not moving a muscle, I managed to get off my ass and do some light stretching + a whole damn abs routine too, that I still have no idea how I got through it, I remember it being hard on Normal day, and now my whole body is feeling this little workout and I'm like?? WHo are you?
Now to keep it going, tho...
#personal#Raksh posts#the anxiety and stress started creeping in#tho I have A FULL WEEK OFF with no classes nothing#so I was like - I might as well Try to get rid of that nibbling stress#and like damn this feels nice#also made me realize how out of shape I am :''') not that it's a surprise but still#gonna try and keep it up with at least like One thing a day#a couple of stretches or an exercise here and there so it's not just a one time thing (I Am prone to doing that)#tomorrow I have some logistics to maneuver around since Im going to the theater with a couple friends in the evening#and we're meeting earlier in the day for some drinks too bcs my last train is not late enough to go After the spectacle#but anyway I guess I'll try to do some stretches before noon and then figure out food before I go to the train station#damn maybe I can start getting myself back together#like I even started rereading my Voiles stuff - esp the BatB AU#and if I go back to writing it? goodness help me#I Know there are still people reading the ship but oh my god really??#anyway I had to throw this out of myself I guess xD#Im still debating on making some pizza dough today and maybe making one to eat later hmmm#it's like - me making homemade pizza seems to always be a sign of getting out from some kind of slump/depressive episode#because I never have the energy or motivation when it's Bad but I Love pizza and actually enjoy making it so#yeah we'll see I guess#still half a day ahead hah
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good morning~ <3
#yay it's weekly boss day#i say 'yay' but i guarantee i won't wanna when it's time to play genshin lol#i also need to switch up the bosses I'm doing and start trying to potentially farm for arle but oh well#...i also really need to finish inazuma so i can get the other weekly bosses there#but later#main task for today is i have some asks to answer I've been putting off#then maybe i'll write or smth :3#i mean i also need to do penacony stuff#like i skipped out on it yesterday for lazy reasons so yeah#my motivation's been all over the place recently which is annoying#but anyways#i hope today/tonight is kind to you~#morning rambles
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.
#no but what is it with people that feel entitled to have you do your job for them for free#like this dude that mind you is not even my friend has called me ten times since yesterday#there was this unknown number texting me on wsp saying hello and then wouldn't stop calling me throughout the day so i just ignored it#and then at night my cousin texted me saying that x person was trying to contact me and said i wouldn't answer#and i was like what do they want#and she was like 'legal advice' LIKE ??????#i'm IN THE PROCESS of becoming a lawyer i'm not even one yet meaning i can't act like one and get paid for it#and sure i do help my friends and family with legal stuff for free bc i love them but like. people who aren't close to me i don't really#have to???#it takes actual time out of my day to help them out#and to have this guy who just called me AGAIN today and now texted me like 20 minutes ago telling me to pick up my phone i mean???????#idk what you need but either be willing to pay me or get an actual lawyer my dude i'm not obliged to do shit for you#i mean if he just texted me it'd be /fine/ ig but it's the fact that he's demanding to talk on the phone with me when i have anxiety and#hate talking on the phone#like just tell me what you want and go. i'll see whether i can help you out or not but just stop spamming meeeeeeee#i'm deleting this later i just needed to let it out JDÑSJDÑS i don't even wanna check my phone anymore lmao
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dying again guys
(tag rant)
#bloodwork got back#i've got anemia#fucking hooray#anemia vitamin d deficiency and the weird cholesterol thing (not the bad one)#meanwhile im sick to my stomach in class and my body wants to throw up so badly#which is bad for me because im terrified of vomiting#and also I would get sent home and wouldnt be allowed to come back#which is NOT good#i need my schoolwork#i fucking hate being so sick all the damn time too#like my body geniunely just cannot handle anything#im so sick of being too sick to go to school and too sick to rehearse for theater and too sick to see my friends who are the people#that i love most dearly#im so sick of not being able to do regular stuff that other people can do because im so sick#im just sitting in class shaking right now after downing four pepto bismols that arent working either way#at least my eyes arent hurting now that i have glasses#small mercies i guess#it's just hard to stay positive rn but i'm trying! there will always be some good in the bad#no matter how fucking MASSIVE the bad is or gets#and maybe later today i'll be feeling well enough to smile#hug a friend#and remember that its okay that im sick; its not my fault that my body isn't wired properly#but its my responsibility to try as hard as i can and live <3#(sorry for the tag rant)
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can it be called lazy breakfast if its 1pm and i have been awake for 12 hours orrrrr
#maybe its more of a lunch? brunch?? since its lunch time but im eating breakfast items#anyways its agdq time and little bit of food to keep me content and then we try to write today#got a lot of personal stuff i wanna get done hmm#one thing i have done this year so far tbh is that ive been writing a lot more for just myself. stuff that i wanna do and never post#theres at least two fics ive only shared with one person and that probably wont see the light of day any time soon if ever#and im probably gonna write another one of those today#im kinda proud of that. i mean i try not to take pressure in making anything and posting shit and so far its working#lets just hope it carries further too#tho i should probably try to get something publishable worked on too. i have few longer wips waiting to be continued#maybe i'll poll this later. idk. we'll see#anyways i didnt mean to ramble about this i have food to eat lmao#night is an absolute mess on main#OH i do actually have something i can post after i rewrite and edit it a bit!#so gonna try to do that today yay :)
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Brain says wamt write, but I open writing program and words go away
what fuck
#text post#full disclosure i struggled so hard to fall asleep last night i wound up sleeping on my floor post T shot#bc i couldn't convince myself I'd earned a shower (i took it just recently after waking up instead tho) or to lay in my bed#and all i want is to get any of the ideas I've been having down on the page concretely#or to finish one of my drafts and post it#or to get the stuff I've only posted here up on my ao3 too#however i work later today and rn my body hurts and my brain is once again on the kick of 'lets think abt all ur traumas at once'#so i fear i am not going to be as productive as i want#if i get thru my shifts and can help Housemate get some dinner squared away I'll call it a win for today#i feel like I'm keeping the bar too low for myself but whenever i put it higher i wind up not meeting it one hundred percent#and then i just feel terrible so. idk. im trying. once again. day in day out#really just wanna go hide in the midwifery charge au but alas i cannot merge myself into a fictional universe#but maybe tomorrow i can get some writing done for it
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