#i'll get there eventually it's just frustrating

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Sink to Swim

Fandom: The Pitt - Undeserving Universe

Pairing: Dr. Jack Abbot x F!Reader

As requested by @ahopelessromanticwritersworld : For Jack realizing his feelings, how conflicted would he be? Maybe we could see some of his therapy sessions where he reconciles these new emotions and the therapist reassures him that it’s ok.

Undeserving | Star A New (Final) | The Pitt Masterlist

Jack tried to deny it for a long time—his feelings for you. It had been building up. After the accident that killed your husband and his wife, you two depended on each other. You were each other's life lines. Then you had Evie and things started changing for Jack. He started seeing you differently. You were a wonderful mom, despite you always saying you didn't know what you were doing. You were funny, kind, sassy, witty. Jack always had inklings of thoughts: what if he did have feelings for you? What if he could really be a dad to Evie? What if?

But then he’d remember his wife. He’d remember your husband, Andrew. And the feelings and thoughts he’d have would be pushed down deep inside until he couldn't take it any longer.

_____________________________

It'd been almost three years since the accident and Evie was now two. The past few years had been a whirlwind. Jack had you move in with him so he could help you with Evie. It felt so...domestic. Every day, he'd wake up to you and Evie. He'd greet you with a smile and greet Evie with a kiss to her head. You both would smile at him and there was always a fluttering in his chest.

You'd make him his lunch, even though you knew he probably wouldn't have time to eat it and then wish him good luck on his shift.

He started really loving the domesticity...then came the guilt.

It started eating away at him so he eventually brought it up to his therapist.

“So last week you mentioned you felt guilty about your growing feelings for Y/N. Let’s unpack that more.”

Jack squirmed in his seat across his therapist, Diane. She was ten years older than Jack, but had experience working with people who had served in the military. She took no shit and could see right through Jack.

He clears his throat, “Well, I mean, she was my wife’s best friend, someone close to her. And she had a husband, has her daughter now from that husband. I just-it feels wrong to have feelings for her. To be living this life that her husband should be living.”

“Don’t you think your wife would want you to be happy?”

“Yeah, but…it’s too soon.”

Diane sighs, “And how long are you gonna keep using that excuse, Jack?”

He swallows hard, “There’s a lot going on. I-I can’t add more to her plate. She lost her husband, has a kid. She’s having a hard time. It took me a while to get her to move in with me so I can help her take care of Evie.”

“That so?”

He clenches his jaw, “I promised I’d be there for her no matter what. If she’s struggling and I can do something about it, then I will.”

“And you know you can’t just bury these feelings.”

“I’ll tell her, when it’s a good time. But right now, she’s still figuring out how to be a mother. I just wanna make sure her and her daughter are taken care of.”

Diane leans in, "Jack, grief isn't a linear process. It has it's ups and downs. So it's okay for you to be feeling this way, however, you can't let it get in the way of you moving on. You have a tendency to self-sabotage when things start looking good. You relish too much in that dark cloud of yours."

He clenches jaw in frustration. He knows what Diane is saying is true, but still. He's always been a stubborn bastard.

"When things aren't as hectic, I'll tell her."

Diane hums, seemingly unconvinced of Jack's reasoning.

_________________________

Jack hears you scream in the living room and he rushes out of his room, "What happened?! Are you okay?!"

You look up at him from your spot on the floor. Your eyes are red and watery, "She walked to me."

His fight mode diminished immediately, "She-She walked?"

You sniffle at him and smile, "Yeah. Here. Sit over there," you point to the opposite side of the carpet.

Jack does as you say and he smiles at Evie, "Hi, honey! Come here! Come to Uncle Jack Jack!"

Evie breaks out into a smile and you have your hands hovering around her waist as she takes steps towards him.

"That's it! Come on! Almost there, sweetheart!"

Evie giggles as she topples over into Jack's lap and Jack pulls her into his arms, "Oh my God! You're walking!"

You crouch beside him and he pulls you into his arms as well, "She's walking!"

"My sweet girl," you kiss your daughter's head, "You're growing up too fast!" You press kisses all over her face and Evie's laughter fills Jack's ears.

He watches you two with a soft smile on his face, that fluttering and sense of yearning filling his chest.

He almost tells you right then and there. He almost confesses that he loves you, but he stops himself.

Flashes of Andrew and his wife, Anna, fill his head and he buries down the feelings again.

______________________________

"I almost told her a few weeks ago," it's the first thing he says as soon as Diane shuts the door.

"Who? Y/N?"

His leg is bouncing after he settles into the sofa chair across from Diane's, "Evie learned how to walk. She walked to me and Y/N and I were cheering. She was in my arms and I was just watching her shower praise and kisses to Evie. I felt that...that feeling in my chest again and I almost told her that I love her. But I didn't."

"What stopped you?"

"Images of her husband and wife flashing in my head." he leans in the chair and sighs, "I'm trying not to feel guilty. I don't want my love for Y/N be associated with guilt. I want it to be associated with sunshine and light. She's brought light back into my life. Her and Evie. But...But I'm scared that if I say those words, I'll lose them. And I can't lose them. I fucking can't. I don't know what I'll do if I lose them."

Diane shakes her head, "You won't, Jack. It's clear that you and Y/N are very important to each other. If anything, you two just want the best for one another. So whatever happens, it's because it's what best for you."

Jack just sits there and nods, taking in Diane's words. He hopes she's right. He lost his wife and broke him. If he lost you and Evie...he doesn't know what he'll do...

[quickdeaths]

"That was nice," Rui said in a quiet, breathy voice after she'd pulled away, a few minutes later. "Mm," Shinobu agreed, pushing both hands through her hair and giving her head a little shake until things fell back into place as she liked. That was an understatement, really. The archer couldn't remember the last time they'd kissed someone like that, hungry and desperate to the point of breathlessness. It was stirring, such that her whole body felt on edge.

Shinobu was more grateful than ever that she'd elected to wear shorts instead of the school swimsuit, not that it did enough to hide completely the effects of Rui's handiwork. The other girl was, thankfully, content only to smirk and look self-satisfied, rather than make any kind of unnecessary comment. "Just so you're aware, Miss Aoyama, my feelings haven't changed," Shinobu murmured. "I'll go out with you only if you cut ties with the rest of your girlfriends. This doesn't change that."

There was quiet between them for longer than Shinobu expected, though she couldn't quite meet Rui's gaze to try and intuit what she might be thinking. Eventually, the silence was broken not with words, but rather a quiet laugh. "Well, easy come, easy go, right?" Rui shrugged, the smile on her face something that Shinobu wasn't interesting in studying for any artifice. "You have your way of doing things, and I have mine, so I guess we're not compatible."

"Mm." There was another period of uncomfortable silence, until Miss Aoyama gave another nod and took slow steps down the stairs and out of her sight. Once Shinobu was sure she was gone, they pushed their hair back again with a soft sigh, then started up the stairs in the opposite direction. It had been pleasant, but any hope of deterring thoughts of Sonia was dashed. Even now, with her heart still racing, the only thing the on her mind was Sonia Nevermind - her smile, the sparkle in her eyes, the sound of her laugh, the curves of her body. "So much for that," she murmured. Truthfully, she better than anyone that the rush of attraction and physical chemistry couldn't equal the suffocating insanity brought on by love.

After getting a canned coffee, Shinobu sat against the side of the vending machine, frowning. Her body was being uncooperative, and there was no way she could return downstairs until it returned to normalcy. If Miss Koizumi had been unpleasant before, Shinobu could only imagine what her reaction might be like at that sight, and while other people might be interested in pushing those buttons, Shinobu herself simply wanted to be left alone. Perhaps she'd stay just long enough to give Sonia her gratitude, and say goodbye.

"Ugh," she grumbled, standing and throwing the emptied can like a dart into a recycling bin. More of the time, the archer felt she'd made her peace with her body, but this truly was frustrating - as if some kind of muscle memory remembered what so often followed such fervent kissing. Well, fine. It wasn't as though she was unaccustomed to taking care of such matters herself. Clearly that would be easier than simply waiting around.

The sink in the single-occupancy bathroom was running scalding hot, but Shinobu held her hands under the water anyway. Her short nails found skin, scraping back and forth and back and forth in the soap, even as it started to hurt, trying to wash off the filth she felt. How many minutes had she been scrubbing? Three? Four? It was only when the water started to overflow the basin of the sink that she jerked back like a startled cat. With shaking fingers, she turned the handle off, before looking at her hands. They were raw and reddened around her knuckles, and the backs of her hands where her nails had scrubbed again and again and again.

Exposing them to cool air made the stinging sensation worse, but she didn't flinch. Rather, her head drooped, her hair falling in front of her eyes as she was unable to meet the gaze of her own reflection. How disgusting. Can't you control yourself? Thinking of Miss Nevermind while doing that... aren't you ashamed of yourself? Ashamed of such wretched, loathsome behavior, and targeted towards a girl who considers herself your friend, who stood up for you against accusations of exactly this sort of perversion. You really are sick.

She unlocked the door and staggered outside. It would be better just to slip out a side door and go home without another word. It would be better not to see her face - see anyone's faces. Awful, stupid, disgusting, wretched- "Shinobu-chan?" She straightened up, heart lodged in her throat, practically frozen. It was only Anzu... Well, that was fine. She could deal with Anzu, if she had to, she thought, as she slipped her hands int the pockets of her shorts.

"Hey!" Anzu slid herself into Shinobu's arms, pressing them into a light hug. "You've been up here for a while. I got a little worried about you," she admitted. It wasn't like Shinobu to take what anyone said about her too seriously, but it was obviously a pretty messy situation, especially with Sonia getting involved. "You're not sulking because of what Koizumi-san said, are you? You're way tougher than that. Although..." With a step back, she looked up to Shinobu with a small frown. Didn't she look kind of... bothered by something? "You look... bad. Are you upset, for real?"

Shinobu shook her head. "Ah... no. It's just that I feel a little lightheaded," she replied. It wasn't a lie, exactly, so nothing she had to feel guilty about. "I don't know if it was the scent of the pool chemicals, or maybe just the claustrophobia of an enclosed space, but I preferred to take a walk around the hallway until it subsided. Ah, which, it hasn't," she added. "So, I'll likely leave. Please inform Miss Nevermind and express my regrets."

"Huh?" Anzu quirked her head to the side. "Uh, didn't you talk to her?" "Hm? Not since I spoke to her downstairs." "Oh." Anzu frowned, wrinkling her nose. "She asked me where you were, so I told her you went upstairs, but she came down a minute later and said she had to go. Family emergency, or something." She gave a weak shrug, even if the frown didn't leave her face. "She seemed kinda... not her usual self. I dunno."

Shinobu swallowed. She and Rui must have just missed her, which was for the best. Surely Sonia would have been so kind about it later, speaking up in private to encourage her to pursue someone. That was simply the sort of person she was. She hadn't ever been pushy or judgmental about Shinobu's dating habits, no, but they imagined she might be their strongest supporter if she thought they loved someone. Ugh... it make their stomach turn just to think about it, the girl they were so disgustingly, hopelessly, painfully in love with smiling as she pushed them to be with someone else.

"I see." Shinobu didn't seem like her usual self either, now that Anzu thought about it. As much as she wanted to pry, she got the sense that, right now, it would just make Shinobu snap shut even tighter. She'd have to try and gently coax it out of her later. "Maybe you should text her later. If something's up, she'd probably like to hear from you. Especially if she didn't even get to say goodbye. You know she's polite like that." Shinobu nodded. "R-right. Yes, I'll do that."

It had been about six or seven passes through her drafts to be reminded of how Anzu had mocked here texts as being ridiculously old-fashioned in their length and style. In her own defense, Shinobu would say that she seldom texted anyone, so she hadn't developed proper text etiquette. Then again, she wasn't sure what to say, regardless. At least one pass at the message she wanted to say had included the truth of her feelings, before she'd deleted it and nearly thrown her phone from the balcony. There was no use saying such a thing, and to put it in a text was tactless. The timing, as well, couldn't be poorer. But then, what could she text?

What about a voice message, then? It was better than calling - at the moment, she couldn't bear the thought of hearing Sonia's voice in return, but perhaps it was still an improvement for Sonia to actually hear her words, and the sincerity behind them, even if she wouldn't say what was begging to be said. Mm, that could work. It was raining outside again, hard, to the point that Shinobu thought twice about climbing up to the rooftop. Instead, she shut the door behind her so that her words wouldn't be overhead by her father, and simply stood out on the balcony overlooking the estate, watching as heavy drops of rain plinked off the surface of the koi pond.

"Miss Nevermind," she started. "I regret not getting to offer my appreciation for the invitation, nor my regret at not saying goodbye. I wasn't feeling well, but Anzu told me that you were coming to speak with me." She shook her head. "That's... not really what I wanted to say. I heard that you left after receiving some sot of family news. I hope it isn't anything serious. But, in the event that it is... Rather, I know there's much you can't speak upon, as it relates to your family, so I understand if there's nothing you can say, but if circumstances allow and you need someone to talk to, I'm always available for you."

She swallowed. Sometimes it felt as though there was so much she wanted to say, and so little she could afford to. "Also, I should offer my gratitude for speaking to Miss Koizumi. I'm sure the conversation wasn't what one might describe as pleasant. I do appreciate you trying to speak to her. For Anzu's sake, at the very least. Mm... Ah, as well, I hope that I'll see you at school on Monday. Though, if that isn't possible, please let me know. I'll... move around dates, or rearrange my training schedule, if so required."

She paused, feeling a few drops of rain slip down the edge of the roof and drop upon her head. Her feelings were unhealthy and disgusting, and Sonia would be repulsed if she knew about them. What she'd done in that bathroom was proof enough of that. The right thing to do would be delete this message and distance herself from Sonia. And yet, it was so hard to do so, when she wanted so desperately to do anything but. "I... I really don't know how to end a message like this. Please don't inform Anzu - she needs no additional ammunition to make fun at my expense. But, if something is... amiss, or something, please do let me know if there's anything I can do. Goodnight." She clicked 'save,' and then 'send.'

After a quick thank you to Anzu, Sonia was on her way. It was her fault, really, for not thinking when helping plan the event that surely Shinobu would have preferred a coffee to the sugary sodas and juices the rest of the girls enjoyed. Mahiru and Hiyoko would push for Shinobu to be made to feel different in all of the worst ways: at least in this one, something as innocuous as drink preferences, she could have helped her feel included. It wouldn't even have been that hard: in the refrigerator the Hope's Peak staff allowed her to have in her apartments, she kept a healthy stock of the canned coffees Shinobu enjoyed. When popped into a plastic bag from the convenience store or an eco tote from her own collection, she could pretend that she'd simply picked up a can on her last venture to the store as a kind gesture, and not something she had the foresight to keep on hand in her room. In case Shinobu ever stopped by on the way to visit Anzu. In case she ever needed a drink. Or anything else, for that matter.

She thought about telling Shinobu the truth, sometime before the Ji-yeon incident. But then everything happened and she thought better of it. Sonia's own preferences in coffee, as evident from their visit to the cafe Shinobu favored, likely made her friend uncomfortable enough: in the presence of real aficionados, she'd doused her own drinks in sugar and ice cream. There was much Sonia, by necessity, needed refined tastes in: but fried food and sugary coffee did not count, and she struggled with pretending that they did.

Still, she could at least apologize for the oversight and offer to treat her for her next can, if she felt so inclined to indulge. It had been awfully rude for her to leave her on her own anyway, but something needed to be done about her transphobic classmates who threatened to ruin the day. Not on Sonia's watch, at least, she thought with a decisive nod as she climbed the stairs.

And abruptly froze.

Just like she'd had every intention to mention Anzu in her defense to Mahiru, Sonia had every intention to call out to Shinobu in a combination of a greeting and apology. But unlike her confrontation with Mahiru, where her defense was filled with mentions of one friend and not the other, Sonia found herself without a voice at all. The corner she now cowered behind like a child offered just enough of a hiding place to not be immediately seen, but if she made even a hint of a sound, she'd be found out. And for once, she didn't know how to explain herself and didn't know what to ask.

What she did know was the way Shinobu's hand wove through Rui Aoyama's curls. The way she tilted her head just so, just enough for Rui Aoyama to caress her neck with every ounce of skill the Ultimate Host had surely built up from years of experience. The way Shinobu's cheeks flushed from the heat of their embrace and the way her lips had reddened from kisses that had started it all and, under Sonia's watch, soon continued with tender touches to Shinobu's face and the likely circumstances of the rest of the world fading away from the two girls. It didn't matter that it was a school stairwell with forgotten drinks: all that mattered, seemingly, as them.

Sonia clapped a hand over her mouth, halfway sliding down the wall she had to brace herself against to keep herself from collapsing to the ground. Behind her palm, her mouth struggled and strained to find what to say, what she felt. It wasn't Mahiru or Hiyoko's disgust at the affectionate display but something else: something that made her chest heave, her stomach twist and turn, with the immense need to vomit not out of repugnance but of something else.

Pain. From how much pleasure Shinobu took in it all, that Rui Aoyama seemingly had from being the one to give it, and how, despite the fact she was never supposed to be a factor of the equation, how much it hurt that she wasn't. Sonia never wanted to be the object of the Ultimate Host's affection or, perhaps more accurately, pursuit. But Shinobu...why did it have to be Shinobu? When upon seeing Rui Aoyama's lips upon hers, that Sonia wished she could be in the Ultimate Host's position instead? Kissing Shinobu with even more fervor, and having her friend relish in it?

That made her legs move, at least. Quietly yet swiftly, down the stairs and back into the main hallway of the lower floor where the pool resided. Her hand moved from her mouth to her chest, pressing firmly against where her heart beat rapidly, where she struggled to breathe. But the pressure she applied paled in comparison to the pressure upon her mind, her conscience: She wanted to kiss Shinobu Yaguchi, and the other girl did not, and would not ever, feel the same.

The bile rose up in her throat and, perhaps in the most selfish move she'd made in quite some time, Sonia had to get out. With a shaky breath to steady herself, she fixed her features into the most pleasant, unassuming expression she could before pushing open the double doors and striding to the chair she'd left the linen wrap dress she'd worn over her swimsuit. Putting her arms through the sleeves and tying the belt at the waist, she reached for both her bag and sandals before turning to a bewildered Chiaki and an apparently nonplussed Peko. "I apologize, but I must leave. Family emergency. At home," She explained, her words clipped as she swallowed the tears she wanted to shed. Not in front of everyone, she knew: how could she explain it otherwise, when she could barely understand it herself?

And while no one pressed her for more, Peko waited to speak after Sonia had disappeared through the double doors again. "That's unlike Nevermind-san. To be rude and leave without some sort of explanation."

"Mm," Chiaki agreed. She hadn't even noticed that she'd lost the level she'd been playing in the dungeon crawler game she'd been showing Peko only moments before. "Something's wrong. I'll check on her later."

Chiaki had correctly understood that Sonia had wanted to be alone. It had taken several tries with shaky hands to get her key into her dorm apartment's lock, before shoving the door open and, just as quickly, slamming it behind her. Sandals kicked off and bag hastily tossed aside, Sonia didn't make it to the bed. She didn't even make it to the sofa. Instead, she curled up on the floor between the low table and her TV cabinet and finally allowed herself to sob.

It didn't make sense, she thought as the mascara and eyeliner she'd worn rubbed away onto her hands. She wasn't gay.

She liked boys. She'd had boyfriends: two of them, in fact, in her lifetime. Both of whom had made indelible marks upon her very soul. She liked boys. She wasn't gay.

And yet, instead of embarrassment at catching Shinobu in her lover's embrace or revulsion at two women kissing, the only thought in her mind was how she wished it were her, Not Rui Aoyama. Her.

And that was terrifying. No horror movie turned her stomach the way that realization had. In principle, there was nothing wrong with being queer: she knew that. The various pride displays in Novoselic each June with the legalization of same-sex marriage in her country in the early 20th Century was proof.

But there was everything wrong with a member of the Novoselic Royal Family, and the heir to the throne at that, being queer.

Sonia half-ran, half-stumbled, to the bathroom where the melon soda and party snacks she'd been enjoying earlier that day resurfaced, right into the porcelain toilet bowl until all that was left was dry heaving. She could rid herself of the meal she'd had but not of her feelings. Coughing, Sonia pushed herself off the tile floor to steady herself in front of the sink. She looked like a mess: red eyes from crying and burst blood vessels, chapped lips, smudged makeup and that was only on the outside. Shaking her head, she washed her face and spent several minutes brushing her teeth and tongue to rid herself of the bacteria, but a clean mouth and skin couldn't fix the problem at hand.

"I am not gay," She stated to her reflection in the mirror. If she said it as easily as stating her birthdate or the closest branches of her family tree, certainly it was believable. "No one in the Novoselic Royal Family is, or is allowed to be, gay. I like boys. I have had relationships with boys." A pause, as she breathed in and out, squaring her shoulders for the next admission. "And I am not in love with Shinobu Yaguchi."

From the way her voice cracked as she stammered, it was the least convincing part of it all. Enough for Sonia to take the nearby washcloth she'd just used and throw it at the mirror, storming out of the bathroom before collapsing, face first, onto her mattress.

That was how, nearly four hours later, Chiaki had found her. One of the few people at Hope's Peak with a key to Sonia's rooms besides Sonia herself, she'd knocked twice before letting herself in, a takeaway tray with two bubble teas and a plastic bag balanced on her opposite hand and arm. "Sonia?" She asked gently, honorifics be damned: the last time she'd found her best friend like this was the day Gundham Tanaka had, inevitably, broken her heart. And even then Sonia had raised her head with gentle sobs: now, she simply lay there, curled in the center of her king-size mattress, unmoving. Exhausted. "I thought you might be hungry, or at least like something tasty to drink. I brought you brown sugar bubble tea, your favorite."

That got Sonia's attention as she shakily pushed herself up to a sitting position. And even Chiaki, who was so often impassive unless discussing video games, couldn't hide her widened eyes and aghast expression. Sonia Nevermind, so often the most cheerful and optimistic member of Class 77-B and her closest friend, looked completely and utterly defeated. "Thanks," She choked out, throat dry, but made no move to reach for the drink. Instead, Chiaki jammed the straw through the cup's seal and pushed it into Sonia's hand.

"Is everything ok at home, Sonia?" Chiaki asked, setting the plastic bag and her backpack on the throw rug beside Sonia's bed before taking a seat on the edge. "You looked really shaken up earlier." Admittedly, she'd checked the international news briefly while in line when buying the bubble tea: no breaking headlines had surfaced about Novoselic, which meant what upset her wasn't a royal issue.

Sonia didn't answer, her mouth opening to speak before closing it again.

"Did something happen with Yaguchi-san, from 77-A?"

Sonia's fist tightened around the plastic cup, causing milky tea to splatter all over her duvet. And to her surprise, Chiaki barely reacted at all, giving Sonia a sad, sympathetic look before putting a little distance between the two of them, in order to avoid the stain. "Chiaki..." She uttered, her voice hoarse as she looked at her, eyes welling up with tears.

"You left to look for her. Did you tell her how you feel? That you like her-"

"I am not gay, Chiaki," Sonia cut her off before she could finish that sentence. For fuck's sake, was she the last person on Earth to realize she was harboring romantic feelings for a woman? "I can't be gay. Not as the Princess of Novoselic, not in my family. It goes against the rules and line of succession."

"I can't say I understand that," Chiaki admitted, her voice wavering. This was uncharted territory for them: Chiaki had opened up about how she'd met a nice boy in the Reserve Course who played video games with her and Sonia had divulged, perhaps with too much detail, about her crush and subsequent relationship with Gundham. But romance with women...that was a topic neither of them had breached. At least not where it involved either of them, at least. "But being gay, or queer, I don't think you can choose whether you are or not. You just...are. Is she the first girl you have felt this way about?"

Sonia gave a nod. "I...did not know what it was I was feeling," She murmured. "Until I saw her kissing someone else. And then all I wanted was to be the person she was kissing instead."

"I'm not an expert in dating sims," Chiaki sighed. "But I know you can't progress in the game without communicating with the chosen love interest. You should talk to her-"

"No."

"But you can't clear the current level if you don't-"

"I said NO, Chiaki!" Sonia shouted, the most she'd raised her voice since the incident with Mahiru. But instead of being mad at her best friend, her anger was internalized, exploding only when provoked. "Nothing has to change. Nothing has to change if I don't say anything. For three reasons."

"Why then, Sonia?"

"For one," Sonia began, running a hand through her already-unruly hair. Alongside so many other things she needed: something to eat, a heart transplant, the ability to turn off her feelings, she needed a hairbrush. "No one in my family can be gay, or be involved in a homosexual relationship. Marriage, as defined in my family, is between a man and a woman. Beyond the societal uproar, I'd be forced to abdicate. And I cannot do that."

Chiaki debated mentioning that they were only high school students and that the idea of marriage was something a long way off for all of them. But she remembered how the Japanese and European media alike had hounded Gundham for months, to the point where it had been difficult just to go to school, take care of his mother, and look after his animals, and he had split from Sonia despite the fact his feelings for her were still as strong as the day they'd decided to date. And promptly thought better of it.

"Two, she clearly does not see me like that, considering she was kissing Aoyama Rui-san, who is probably my polar opposite in every way," Sonia continued, "And it is not necessary to rejected verbally when I already have seen indisputable evidence that she holds no romantic feelings for me."

Chiaki swallowed her words once again. She didn't follow Sonia's logic, but it seemed counterproductive to mention it.

"And three, if somehow she did agree to date me, you know what happens to her girlfriends. Everyone knows what happens!" Sonia cried, leaning back against the headboard. "She dates them once and then cuts them out of her life completely. Is it worth destroying a friendship, much less our lives if anyone finds out, to go on a single date? If things stay as they are, it'll pass. It has to pass, and no one needs to ever know."

That part, for what Chiaki knew of Shinobu Yaguchi, she couldn't refute. Dating gossip generally didn't interest her unless it was in the context of a video game, but the Ultimate Archer had a reputation no one could ignore. That, and her propensity to beat up men on campus, from male students to her own brother. But that wasn't the point. The point was, Sonia had begun to understand what Chiaki had concluded for weeks. That some of their classmates had either riddled out for themselves or couldn't ignore: Sonia was, at the very least, not strictly heterosexual and was in no shape to handle that realization about herself.

"I'm so sorry, Sonia,"

"I want her in my life, Chiaki. I need her in my life," Sonia replied, resolute. "It has to be like this: it's better than the alternative, and at least I'm the only one who has to get over it."

Chiaki nodded. She couldn't solve this for her, and not in a night. But at least she could do what she came to do, as she reached for the plastic bag by her backpack. "I brought some of the leftover chicken and onigiri, and some of the cookies. You didn't get to eat too much earlier, you really should eat a bit." It was a strange sensation, the tables turning on both girls: so often it was Sonia nagging Chiaki to eat after gaming for hours on end. "And if you want, I have the latest Mario Kart game. I know I promised to teach you some maneuvers for you to beat Liam-kun: he was really impressed when I visited last summer, right?"

Sonia sniffled, before slowly moving to sit in the tea-soaked spot on the duvet in order to hug her. "You're the best, you know that?" She mumbled into Chiaki's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm your best friend," Chiaki agreed, returning the hug before grabbing her backpack, retrieving both the game cartridge and her custom controller. "You eat and I'll set it up on your Switch, ok? Eat at least two of the onigiri before we do a Grand Prix: we'll try the one with Boo's Cinema."

[lunaryhues]

Me: "Can I please use all this energy to draw on an actual project"

My brain: "You will draw the same character over and over and you will like it."

Me: "Okay."

[alienrat-art]

..

[crabsnpersimmons]

Hello there!

I'd like to know your advice on drawing tablets?

As in, what do you use for your digital art? Is there any you suggest?

I'm planning on getting one, but there are so many options, and I'd like to know your opinion and preference.

Thank you ^^

hi anon! thanks for the question!

i draw with a samsung galaxy tab s7!

BUT if this is your first time drawing digitally, then it's a good idea to test out if you like it with cheaper options first (so you don't drop a whole lot of money on a hobby/medium of art you don't enjoy)

some suggestions:

if you have a smart phone, try drawing with your finger using free to use drawing apps like ibispaint X or HiPaint (i recommend HiPaint cuz the UI is a lot simpler and less overwhelming, but both have a good selection of tools. i wanna say ibispaint has better text tools tho and there's A LOT more tutorials and resources online) drawing digitally with your finger is different from drawing digitally with a pen AND drawing traditionally, but this is a good way to familiarize yourself with digital art tools. a very simple entry point if you already have a smart phone.

if you don't want to draw with your finger (understandable, i personally couldn't stand it) you can try simple drawing tablets, which are the tablets that you plug into your computer/laptop, come with a pen, but they don't have a screen you draw directly on. they're actually a lot more affordable nowadays (i saw some for under $50 CAD, which is WILD), so that’s a good starting option if you want to draw with a pen. with a pen, you have more control with line weights than you do with your finger, but it takes practice to get used to. it also takes some getting use to drawing on a tablet and looking at your monitor, but this is where i started haha. i still have my old bamboo wacom create drawing tablet. but nowadays, other brands like xp-pen and huion are very comparable to wacom, so definitely consider getting a cheaper one to try out first. of course, if you go with a drawing tablet, you'll need an art program on your computer. i've used photoshop and clip studio paint and they're very good, but probably overwhelming for people who are new to digital art (they are loaded with tools and you have to really familiarize yourself with the menus and everything). there are probably simpler options available... but i'm not as familiar with them. oh wait, i think there are some drawing tablets that can also connect with your smart phone too nowadays. man, that's so cool. that's probably a better option instead of purchasing photoshop or clip studio paint right off the bat.

if you REALLY want a screen display experience, try a cheaper general tablet. iPads are a popular option if you're comfortable with the Apple ecosystem (i'm not 😅) but they can be pricey PLUS you have to buy the Apple pen separately. for Android, I'm pretty sure even the Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 is a solid choice and it comes with a pen unlike an iPad. the SPen is built with Wacom tech, so you know it's quality. and while iPad has Procreate, HiPaint is available for Android and it's basically a Procreate clone (i explain more about HiPaint here) otherwise, ibisPaint X is also good and infinite painter is probably the most sophisticated free to use drawing app i've encountered (sophisticated as in it does a pretty good job at imitating traditional media in their brushes. it's cool, but the free version is very limited).

also if you like watching videos, Brad Colbow and Teoh on Tech on YouTube are great resources. they specifically review tech from an artist's perspective.

why i suggest testing it out is because if you're used to drawing traditionally, then switching to digital is a different experience. some artists can't get used to drawing digitally, and that's fine. that's why it's a good idea to test it out with a cheaper option first to see if you like it and to give yourself time to familiarize yourself with drawing apps/programs. i actually kinda hated drawing digitally at first. i didn't have the same level of control that i was used to with drawing traditionally. and overtime i made a lot of bad habits with my digital art that i had to unlearn by switching back to traditional art for a couple years (some bad habits like: relying on the Undo button to make "perfect" lines; trying to draw really fast because the pen glides over the screen unlike a pencil has friction against paper) so... give it a try and just let yourself have fun. don't worry about making anything perfect, just have fun!

[mjrdm]

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[buttercup-art]

hey

[mikhailoism]

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[hidden-among-stars]

The constant anymic therian urge to find a species that at least vaguely lines up with your experiences/mental image of yourself even though you know you probably never will 🙃

[izzy-b-hands]

Checked my old med records re: transition dates bc today's Pl/Pa appt is probably going to be a fucking doozy where I anticipate being quizzed on my transition thus far and future goals for it

And double checked the year to find out A. my memory is shit and I was off a year but also B:

Next year will be my 5 year anniversary on T!!

[saranblue]

"Old Friends; Moon & Rain"

"Old friends… We meet, yet again." …

38+ hours, 39,000 actions, and 915 layers later…. "Old Friends; Rain & Moon" are complete!

If I could give one theme to this drawing, it would be "too much". I got so obsessed with making it realistic, with improving, to the point there was too much of everything. Too much detail, too much shading, too many hairstrands, too many leaves, too much rain.

Admittedly, for a long time I lost the simplicity in my art - I got stuck again in losing my direction I was heading in.

It took a lot of very long, tear-filled and frustrating conversations and observing my art to realize my mistake (being "too much"). And those conversations happened every. single. time. with each of those things I listed.

Hence the 38 hours and 2 months this took.

I plan on posting the speedpaint of this, it's recorded and I'm working on editing it, it's just.. a lot, too lol. I'll update once it's done tho!

Time taken: 38+ hours

Layers: 915

Actions: 39,000 -tysm <3

[dentist-brainsurgeon]

Did another 10 minute practice session today with the Silent Bridge on my Shamisen today and it's kinda interesting how spot-on you have to be with finger positions, since if my Index Finger is just above the third position on the neck, and I strike with the Bachi, it's going to make a pretty dull "Thwunk" but if I have just on, or below the third position and strike with the Bachi, it's going to make(as close to) the proper sound as its supposed to

[icewindandboringhorror]

... why he sit like this

[stromulites]

*shakes my brain* what the fuck do you want. what do you want to focus on please. you're leaving me out to dry here!!!

[novelhater]

i edited some of what was irritating me out of that post but i still feel like i walked away from that book with mostly things to say that were only tangentially related to kyouka rather than genuine feelings and reactions to the stories. which is a shame, especially given the large quantity of margin notes i made. his stories are really rich with subtext. there was a lot going on in regards to the tension between the public and private that i thought was really interesting. peril always seems to come paired with the state of being witnessed. death is a confession, a revealing, but also an escape from the stage, a refusal to be seen and examined any longer.

[meowzers-mayhem]

it feels like i'm getting kicked in the face every other second by the dunning kruger effect while re learning korean

like. yeah i could barely form a sentence and 우유‘s the only thing i could read but i didn't know i was THAT bad