#i'll follow every impulse without question

[aquaticaberration]

I always feel weird bringing up new things to my therapist because

a) I feel like it just comes out of nowhere to her so I worry that she might think I'm making something up, and if I push that it'll become something that bites me in the ass in the future

b) those things have become such a regular part of my life that I just don't think of them as problems even though they sometimes cause such problems that I keep internalized very well

and c) my depression has overshadowed so much of what I deal with that everything else just pales in comparison, which is part of the problem and why I worry a bit about recovery because it might unlock a lot of other issues like how digging reveals fossils except it's trauma and various mental health issues I've pushed down to be able to function

[anulithots]

Ooh...So excited when I know that you are now a fan of Link Click, too.... Can I ask something from Link Click? What do you think are Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang’s greatest personality strengths and weaknesses? Why? What do you love about their dynamic? Sorry if you've answered these questions before.....

P.s

Also, can I ask your top fav characters and fav moments from the series (Link Click), if you don't mind me asking (again)....? Thanks so much....

KLDKJfdskj THANK YOU FOR THE ASK! I had answered it, wanted to save it for further thoughts... then tumblr wiped the post.

THENNN THIS SAT IN MY DRAFTS FOR WAY TOO LONG

I cry. Sorry this took so long!

BUT I Did handwrite some stuff down, so here we go!

(Just a note that while I proabably will analyze link click - how could I not - I won't try to do as much analysis as I did with Jujutsu Kaisen... because... well I did too much. Maybe burnt myself out? I hyper analyzed that to the point where it became another school subject... and LInk Click actually SHOWS backstory, so I don't' have to connect as many dots. )

CHeng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang's strengths and weaknesses.

Cheng Xiaoshi: he's empathetic, but so much so that it turns into impulsive decisions. Other than that, when he does have space and time to process his emotions, he's INCREDIBLY good at strategizing based on the factors of the environment + the emotions of those involved (Lu Guang will follow rules without being as adaptive)

Overall, I'd describe the Cheng Xiaoshi emotion pipeline to be this:

gets overwhelmed with strong emotions, especially when possessing someone or in a high stakes situation. In this state, he'll do reckless, impulsive decisions, oftentimes for the good of others... but he usually regrets it later

CXS has more time to sit with and process his emotions. He usually withdraws from the world at this time. (Post episode five, or after diving into the photo on his own, when he thought Lu Guang was dead)

He does his whole 'I have a plan thing' and it's ridiculously smart. He just needs time (and lots of it) to process his emotions.

Cheng Xiaoshi is also almost.. too trusting. He trusts others, empathizes with them, so easily feels and assimilates himself with others that he'll... probably get taken advantage of. (See season two)

He also clings to the people he has. This is neither a strength nor a weakness... it's both, it's a trait, and it will become either beneficial or a detriment depending on the situation, as is the case with a lot of character traits. The plot tests the flaws and benefits of a character. (Sorry small tangent)

CXS tries to prevent the same pain of loss from befalling anyone else/ people he possesses. He fears being alone (probably also feeds into his 'too trusting' + relies on Lu Guang thing. Neither are inherently flaws) and perhaps part of the reason he is so impulsive is because his parents left him so suddenly. He gets so stressed because he has to help them/save them, and he must do so immediately, before they leave him forever.

(See I'm analyzing but I'm having trouble with fitting CXS into the overall themes... hmmm.. I'll figure it out.)

EDIT: I HAVE THOUGHTS, I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT... MAYBE I SHALL LET THE THOUGHTS MARINATE MORE!!

Lu Guang:

I'm not sure if he restrains his emotions, has subdued ones, or if whenever he's around CXS he can act more 'low energy' because CXS is... a lot. /aff

(See Lu Guang sitting on the couch differences from when CXS is there versus when CXS is in a dive

Versus when he's alone:

*feet on the table*

*bouncing his foot*)

He acts like he's the level headed one, but he's far from it. Even in season one, especially in episode five (when he took a risk and it ended up backfiring on CXS) he can and will freak out the moment something doesn't go according to plan. And who often doesn't go according to plan?

Cheng Xiaoshi.

Lu Guang does his very best to... prevent against this. He means well. Pretty much every moment he's on screen is him trying to protect CXS.

He does keep secrets, but overall, I think he isss pretty open about what he thinks and feels (except for when it comes to CXS to his face... he'll gladly talk about it to Qiao Ling). In... I think it was episode six, he openly told Cheng Xiaoshi his reasoning for going back in time to deliver the messages in episode four... to alleviate the client (and prove to himself that it is possible) of regret.

As far as the 'strengths and weaknesses' go, for all the issues and benefits that happen because of him, it's really caused by his personality, his traits, that will be either useful or detrimental depending on the situation. LInk Click is wonderous at using the plot to fully explore the nuances of the characters, so none of their traits are 'black and white'. Very 'trolley problem esque' and up to the viewer to decide. *buzzes and explodes* /pos

In essence: Both CXS and Lu Guang are emotional idiots in their own ways (CXS's just louder about it /pos /aff) and QIao LIng is actually the only levelheaded one here.

... I need some more time and rewatches before I can fully analyze them well so that's that for now!

What I love about their dynamic

They both trust each other, and will break all of time and space (or not break all of time and space) for the sake of the other.

MOST OF ALL HOW'LL THEY'LL BREAK THEIR USUAL CHARACTER IF IT MEANS PROTECTING THE OTHER.

Like Lu Guang, for all the times he says that CXS cannot change the past, that he shouldn't interfere, caves if it means giving Cheng Xiaoshi solace. (Episode five when tried to help Cheng Xiaoshi save his mom, and in season two when he let Cheng Xiaoshi dive to allow police assistant guy - I forget his name - to give a flower ring to his wife)

For Cheng Xiaoshi, he'll resist his impulses and emotions, even if it causes him immense pain, to comply with what Lu Guang would've wanted. Epppiisooddee fivvee is a good example of this. (And of course... I think it was episode two of season two where Cheng Xiaoshi decided not to go back in time for the sake of Lu Guang's wishes). Cheng Xiaoshi 'gave up' on trying to save everyone in the town because of Lu Guang's urging, and even throughout all the dives he does, as early as episode one, he trusts Lu Guang.

Also, in a less dramatic sense, ... alll the little things they constantly do for eachhh other aklsjfkaslfklasjd fSCREAMSSS

Lu Guang checking on Cheng Xiaoshi during his nightmares, comforting CHeng Xiaoshi after the trauma that was episode five, the both of them constantly teasing each other, how comfortable they are in each other's presence. IT'S SO QUEER PLATONIC CODED I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Fav characters and moments.

(in the prev version of this ask I started listing out EVERY SINGE scene in season one and started going to season two... I love them all. I love them all so much I'm going to rewatch it again.)

But as of now I'll list them out and include some of my screenshot collection (it is growing heheheh)

In episode one where Lu Guang slurps his noodles to tease CXS after he couldn't eat his spring rolls

The moment in episode two where Lu Guang proclaims that the mission is hopeless and CHeng Xiaoshi says 'Just because you don't see hope doesn't mean there is none'

AND LU GUANG SMILESSSSS:

Also Lu Guang smiling when CHeng Xiaoshi says how he wishes Lu Guang could've tasted the noodles too. There's Lu Guang smiling at things Cheng Xiaoshi says, what more does one need in the world?

ANY MOMENT QIAO LING IS ON SCREEN IS IMMEDIATELY PEAK FICTION AND I SHALL PERISH ON THIS HILL

Like in season two where Cheng Xiaoshi is restrained and QIao LIng slaps the lawyer guy in the face (I'm slow with names and need to rewatch season two)

Honestly episode five is a masterclass in good writing. The moment where Cheng Xiaoshi's mom is singing to him, then it cuts to Cheng Xiao's mother dying is just... *sobs*

WHEN QIAO LING CANNONICALLY CALLS CXS HER BROTHER AND IT FLASHBACKS TO HER AND YOUNGER CXS AND lakjfalksfjasklfjaslkfjaslkdfj

Cheng Xiaoshi's backstory in general... it was either in episode ten or eleven... or nine??? I still have to rewatch up to there. Epsically because CXS's backstory was explored in really nuanced and explorative ways before the whole thing was revealed, which makes any rewatches 1000x sadder. It's such good writing holy herbs.

In episode... seven I think it was.... when CXS as Doudou punched the human trafficker and Lu Guang had a surprised pikachu face... peak fiction. How this donghua manages to make me smile and laugh then ugly cry and stare at a wall for the next few hours is beyond me /pos /sooo impreeessive the wriittttnggg.

Lesbian Noodle ladies were amazing. 100/10. Bring them back the trio needs happiness

Lu Guang wanting to go the funeral in season two with an IV and half formal clothes, half hospital gown. He's smart but in the 'I've memorized an entire Library but can't navigate a practical/social thing to save my life' sort of way. Love him for that.

Wang Juan. She has an Ivan (alien stage) haircut and she was great and yes I have another aesthetic crush shhhh

When the trio dressed up as the cartoon characters to reunite Doudou with his dad.

Cheng Xiaoshi arguing and bickering with Xu Shanshan. Then when he dives as her, he immediately makes her look bad and it's hilarious

In the 5.5 extra where Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang play video games against Qiao Ling and both of them lose.

Qiao Ling and CXS both beating up a bunch of people. Peak siblings

CXS and Lu Guang beating up Qian Jin (I looked up the wiki and it has character namess yessssss). Peak queer platonic partners.

Moments like these? IDK I just like the idea of them spending time together without necessarily needing to talk to each other, comfortable in the silence.

SCREENSHOT COLLECTION:

.... I reached my image limit *cries*

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!

(and sorry it took me so long to answer it)

... now I want dumplings

[fountainpenguin]

"I'm trying to keep up as best I can! I wanna be there if you need a hand... I'm looking, looking- Looking for you!" (x)

---

New Criminal Experience chapter today!

Chapter 5 - “Tracked”

❤️ Read on AO3

💙 Start from Chapter 1

💚 More Pixels Imperfect fics

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Mumbo and Skizz split up to find the lost allay eggs, llama respawn blankets, and Impulse. Mumbo takes a good look around Evernight: city of ever-changing blocks.

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

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One teleport later…

Operation Llama Blanket and Allay Egg Recovery requires stealth, precision, and snap-second judgments on how many of the enderspawn hybrids can be trusted not to turn them in. In a whirlwind of shadow blots, Skizz poofs them in behind a row of composters tucked down an alley of colorful, mismatched blocks. Skizz is in a crouch; Mumbo drops to mirror him. Endermen and endermites shuffle around not far away. Every breath betrays him as a wanted man.

And any one of these chaps could heel-turn out me.

The paths out of the city glow faintly on his mental map, as they always do. Leaving sounds lovely, but not when Double-U and Buzz are missing their spawn blankets. It's not just about his girls, either. The allay eggs are his responsibility.

The last two allay eggs in the world.

So where are they? It's not about the money. It's never been about that, regardless of what his species and experience in smuggling and trading may lead you to believe. He took this job because Doc asked him to. Said he was researching; he'd give the newbies a start on Education and send them to the building when his work was done. Not unusual, and Mumbo trusts Doc more than most.

Does he know? It's the question coursing like a river through his hands, up his shaking arms, and down his back in tiny flash floods. But he can't ask - not here, not now - because Doc still lives so far away. He'll crash when he gets to Tintopia. He is going to reach Tintopia, with his llamas' spawn blankets in hand.

Okay. We can do this. Just breathe.

Mumbo shifts his eyes to Skizz, then remembers why you don't look at endermen directly and drops his gaze. "I'll have a nip around. Thanks for the drop-off. It means the world to me, mate."

The blue eyes peering back at him (carefully, off-center) don't look at all like the eyes of a man who meant to do the Allay Dragon harm. Perhaps it's foolish and maybe he's being played, but Mumbo can't help but believe it. "Without me or Impulse, you've got no escort. I'll see if I can follow from a distance, maybe along the rooftops, but if someone sees me-"

"I know. Skizz, I know what I'm getting into- It's not my first brush with the anarchy lifestyle. If someone attacks me, you don't have to get involved. There's difficult people after you." Neutral. Non-specific. Skizz shifts, tugging his jumper sleeve. Mumbo can read that stinging, shameful silence and almost wishes that he can't. He says, "I won't rat you out, but I'd rather not see you fight." BigB's got his arrows and clones. Vee's an evoker; she's got her vex. They're both spellcasters armed with magic. And Skizz is layered with unknown mods. Both sides of this fight could easily get hurt.

"I… Yeah, sorry. Yeah."

Mumbo reaches a hand through his robes. He grips the handle of his modded scythe - still sitting there in his soul slot, as it always is - and withdraws it in a crackle of blue sparks. Skizz's wings flare out behind his torso, flapping once. They scrape the composters and the back alley wall. Not much of a wall with several blocks plucked out of it, leaving holes, but that's not the point. Mumbo keeps his eye contact locked on the scythe. He doesn't give any sort of demo swipe, though that's quite tempting, actually. Skizz is halfway to flying off as it is. Can he fly with those angel wings?

"I'm all right," he tells Skizz. "I'm Mumbo Killsalot Jumbo; I can handle myself a bit."

"Ah- That's… Uh, you've got a modded weapon?"

"I transported a bit of slime and some otter spawn eggs to a vulture once." That's non-specific enough, yes. Skizz keeps his eyes away, but for the briefest moment, they flicker over. Mumbo can feel them graze his forehead.

"Are you kidding me right now, homie? Otter spawn eggs are real? I thought those were just a myth!"

"Well, you and most of Between, yes."

"So you've found the Invisible Hub?"

At that, Mumbo chuckles and tucks the scythe away again. Bad move, wandering with that on full display. "I said I traded him slime, mate. I never said I've found wherever slimes spawn." Scythe gone, he lays a hand against a composter lid, ready to swing himself to the other side of the little wall. "You find Impulse. He and Coldsnap can't still be going at it." And if they're lucky, Impulse is still alive. There wasn't a death message on the comm. He must be all right, unless Mumbo made a total spoon move and forgot to toggle the settings on. They pause in sync, fingers curling, hearts beating. IS Impulse okay?

Surely he must be. Skizz asks the same question, then, but not about Impulse. "Will you be okay?"

"I haven't got a choice." But he does have a plan.

Step 1: Get the spawn blankets. It might sound harsh, but those rank above the allay eggs as far as he's concerned. Until a new account syncs to an egg, they're effectively unfertilized; they might even get broken in a scuffle tonight and he won't feel any shame. There will be other jobs with other spawn eggs. But there won't be another Buzz and Double-U, sitting sweetly in their shed as he cleans between their toes.

I can do this. Gah, if only I wasn't down to my last invisibility potion. Since he had Impulse watching his back, he didn't stock up. Gets expensive in modern times with modern shortages, y'know? Takes up space.

And at the moment, that's as far as the plan goes. He'll leave the safety of the composter wall. Find the blankets- someone must have picked them up. Take them back somehow. Barter. He's got a few things on hand that might draw the eye. He'll surrender the scythe if he absolutely must. It's quite simple, really. 'Simple' is key if you don't want analysis to morph into paralysis and chain you to the ground. Mumbo crouches to go for the leap and swing.

"Mumbles? Do you have another skin to change into?" When Mumbo turns his head, blinking and wondering how filthy he must be for a question like that, Skizz gestures at his travel robes. "You, uh… might blend in better if you're not wearing bright blue and yellow. If someone took your llama blankets, they'll probably be watching for you."

"I might want them to, if it makes it easier to find and return them to me."

Skizz hesitates, the noise skating across his teeth. That betrays the answer even before his words: "Evernight's anarchy, man. And you know how endermen are about taking stuff just because it's there."

Mumbo shrugs. "I don't have a choice. They're my llamas, dude. And if I can save the allays too, all the better."

[Full chapter on AO3 - Link at top]

[fourswords]

my silly au again, ranking the little dudes in order from from most to least impulsive in their decision-making(??? i don't think that's the right way to phrase that. it's a ranking of how likely they are to just Go After Shit instead of stopping to think about it first. i just wanted to write out some characterization notes lmao):

#1: light - i mean given the manga of course he'd be number one. of course he'd Win. he sees something? he goes After It. something needs doing? he goes After It. and so on and so forth. there isn't a single part of him that doesn't impulsively make decisions at the drop of a hat (green running into the sandstorm. blue following the lady into the snowstorm. vio getting cornered by shadow and being like "alright how can i manipulate this situation so i can fucking Win" and deciding to pretend to be evil with him. red seeing a kid running from angry townspeople and immediately stepping in even to his own detriment). if anything he's a bit irritated that the others aren't as much of a Driving Force as he is. he wants to DO THINGS!!!!!!! he's working on actually listening to others before he does shit nowadays though.

#2: smithy - smithy is not AS bad as light in the "jumping into holes without thinking about it" regard but he IS still bad about it. however. yes he'll just walk off and start doing shit if he thinks it's the best thing to do but he's much, MUCH more likely to hang back for a minute and think about something before he does it. when he DOES "just walk off and start doing shit" it's because he took more than half a second to think about it and THEN came to the conclusion that He's Totally Right About This and He Will Be Going That Way, Actually. he took five seconds, thank you very much. i mean we're talking about the kid who, according to ezlo's dialogue in the minish cap, just jumped into the Giant Whirlwind On Top Of Veil Falls with literally no warning whatsoever. hilarious of him tbh. his tendency to hang back a bit more compared to light is also shown in his game where ezlo does note that he expresses concern or hesitancy in a couple of instances (before he gets into the first minecart in the cave of flames, for example). unfortunately he has never worked on actually listening to others in his life and it shows.

#3: knight - knight is way too mild to just Go After things unless he's by himself and it's an absolute necessity. if he's with someone else and something comes up then his first course of action (if able to do so) is to ask what the other person wants to do first and then build up a plan that incorporates both their perspectives on the situation. on the bright side he isn't afraid of being firm at the very least, so he isn't the type to get stuck in a repeating loop of "idk...i'll do this if you don't wanna do that but SHOULD we do that...." or whatever. like he's more "okay, so you think [x] and i think [y], so we'll do [xy] unless you have something else you'd like to add." which is why he's generally really good to work with.

#4: four - four has never gone after a single thing in his life other than vaati. i'm being so serious here. four can be so annoying to some people because he just plain doesn't give a shit what happens. he just rolls with it. he's like "oh we're doing [x]? lol okay" and when questioned if he has anything to say about it he's just like "nah." and that's it. if he actually feels a slight need to do something then he'll plan Around the events of [x]. which, of course, means he does nothing to stop [x] from happening! like knight makes sure to always ask four if he has something to add to whatever they're all planning because that's just what he does but four LITERALLY just goes "nah." EVERY TIME. i'm sure light finds it infuriating at certain points. however (and this is important): IN an absolutely dire, no-holds-barred, genuine clusterfuck of a situation, four can and will turn on the part of his brain that beat vaati's ass so thoroughly that it got him written down as the official legendary "hero of the four sword" whose story was canonically remembered all the way down to light's era in the child timeline. he becomes a sort of mix of light's utter drive to do shit and knight's information-gathering, planning ways, with the addition of being exceptionally good at risk analysis. everything i just said can be all but disregarded though because like i said. he just plain will not become this unless he's facing another person like vaati. you could even stick this guy in front of a giant army trying to kill him and he'd STILL be like "ehhhh who cares i'll get 'em somehow" that's literally just How Much He Rolls With Shit

[luchadorbard]

Tag game: Find a word!

Thank you @fortunatetragedy for the tag game!

My words are: mouth, pace, pit, cell

I've got the Shadowrun obsession bug as of late, so I'll be using a fan fiction I've thrown together for this tag game. Here are some experts from my WIP. Give and Take.

Mouth

Vickers flicked the lighter with his thumb, trying to coax a flame to light, the Seattle rain denying him his Cuban. He checked the metal case he kept them in. Only two left. He sighed as he pocketed it, eventually a spark took hold; allowing him to finally take a deep inhale of his prize. He'd have to arrange to get more, which meant either paying smugglers a king's ransom in Nuyen or doing jobs out in Florida. He gritted his teeth, his Trollish tusks allowing him to hold the cigar in his mouth as he groaned. Flights to Miami are a pain in the ass this time of year. Such plans would have to wait for now. Right now he and his team needed a new decker after that last job. He took another long drag on his cigar and exhaled.

Cell

The team all looked to each other as the red and blue lights flashed in the dark outside of the complex. Helicopters flying low with a fully outfitted sniper team. The sound of megaphoned sergeant barking orders to the terrified chip-heads on the lower floors. A full red carpet from the Division of Special Tactics? We really kicked the hornets nest. Lone Star came in force, with some serious fire power. Vickers glanced at the rest of the team, Tat and Longstreet already taking up positions on the door they came into to. Iron Crow looked out the window and then back to Vickers. "Shouldn't we try to find a way to escape without a fire fight? They seem to have the advantage." It was one of those questions that seemed a logical thing to ask if one was new on the job. Unclear as to how this was going to play out. Guess the twins really are newbies in the Shadows, just my luck. He glanced back at her and readied his sidearm. "We ain't doing this quietly, and trust me when I say this. A blaze of glory is sure as drek better than winding up in a Lone Star cell, let me tell ya." Gun fire rang out below them, followed by the screams of the chipheads as they bolted in every direction. "TacDiv isn't here to take prisoners either." Tatiana drew her sword.

Pace

Tatiana paced around the underground floors of the Seamstress Union. The fast pace steps being her 'thinking' fidgeting and not her 'panicked' fidgeting. "So...we have the package, but can't deliver it. Lone Star is willing to frag entire blocks to get it and our contact is late." She turned to the rest of the crew. "I'm open to ideas on how the hell we navigate this drek-show." Vickers looked down at his metal case with the last of his cigars and fought the impulse to light it up. His fingers twitched as he ran a hand over his brown hair. "Finding out who just set us up couldn't hurt."

That's all for now. I hope to post the full part one of this fic soon. Consider this an open tag game for anyone else to keep going!

Words are: Crew, Quick, Draw, Home

[motheatenscarf]

There is a fun template making the rounds and I decided I also want to play. I think most of these are self explanatory at a glance, but I'll elaborate a bit more for anyone curious/interested.

Okay, I lied, it was not a bit more, it wound up being a LOT more. Brevity is the soul of wit and I am a blathering fool.

-> Krile. She's a work friend. They get along well enough but don't ever really hang out beyond maybe getting lunch together sometimes. She's capable and reliable, but there's not a whole lot they have in common and they haven't even gotten to trauma bond yet. Dawntrail will probably change that.

-> Minfilia. Oh boy, is this a complicated relationship. They got along so well at first. Talia was terrified of this Echo and Blessing and had no one to talk to about it for years, and Minfilia was kind and patient with all of her questions. They confided in each other and supported one another in having this bizarre path in life that they didn't choose. But Minfilia the friend and Minfilia the leader were two different people. The more time Talia spent with the Scions, the more she started to question Minfilia's decisions. Every call she made seemed wrong. It wasn't Minfilia's fault she hadn't been prepared for this role that was thrust on her when Luisoix died, but Talia pinned the blame on her for everything that followed. Watching the Scions militarize under bad leadership reminded her of Garlemald. It seemed inevitable that they would be misused and she would have her faith and devotion broken again and again. She had one foot out the door by the Bloody Banquet, and then Minfilia chose to stay behind. Talia was still angry at Hydaelyn for taking away the only gift that made her useful and giving her the silent treatment without ever telling her why, but her was the big blue rock herself telling Minfilia to die without explanation as to why, and Minfilia was blindly obeying. It spit on the sacrifices her people had just made. Talia blew up at her before storming out of the sewers. She said some cruel, unforgivable things, just to be hurtful because she was hurt. She regretted them the moment she was in the carriage escaping to safety, but never got the chance to apologize. They weren't friends anymore when Minfilia died. It's something that haunts her to this day.

-> Tataru. A very sweet and uncomplicated friendship! They grew closer as Tataru shared her fears of not being able to do enough to protect the Scions, and then became friendlier and more open around each in Heavensward when it was just the two of them and Alphinaud. They look out for each other in more social matters, and Tataru is one of the few people Talia feels safe enough to be stupid around and is among her top choices when looking for someone to spend downtime with.

-> Thancred. The brother she never had. Few other people look out for her the way Thancred does. He's probably the person who is most interested in not just her physical safety, but her emotional well-being. He's vigilant to people taking advantage of her, which I'd like to believe is because he sees how hard she beats herself up over past mistakes and how she believes atonement must be paid in her own blood. It's a self destructive impulse he's familiar with, and one he's reluctant to open up about, but when he finally does, they're closer for it. They're also able to give each other just enough well meaning shit without pushing past each other's boundaries, which is the ideal sibling dynamic tbh. The only point of contention they've ever had was over how he treated Ryne, but both of them were just projecting their issues about Minfilia onto her, albeit in opposite directions.

-> Estinien. The brother she never wanted. Alphinaud came home with a dirty stray cat that was hissing and spitting and asked "Can we keep him?" and Talia said, "How about this other, better cat who isn't allergic to sentiment and doesn't belittle you?" And Alphinaud said, "Ysayle's nice, but this one's good, I can tell." And then Talia was stuck with Estinien forever. She started to come around on him before he got turned into Nidhogg's scooter, appreciating how reflective and intuitive he was deep down. She's very glad that Alphinaud reminded her of her own values that had been eroded by cynicism and told her they had to save Estinien. Because yeah, he was right all along. Estinien did turn out to be good. Even if people suck today, you never know what they can be tomorrow. He's one of the few people she feels good about having saved because it was an instance where she didn't just stop a threat by being the champion of murder. Estinien was proof that change is possible and that sometimes, believing in that is worth the risk. So he means a lot to her not just as a person who's reliable, who's been through hell and back with her, who's grown so much and become one of the most introspective and insightful people she knows, but as a sort of proof of concept of the ethos she wants to live by.

-> Lyse. God, she loves Lyse so much. Having her around felt like having a sister again. I almost put the green mark up there, but I don't think Lyse reciprocates the feeling. Her surrogate sister was Moenbryda, a loss over which she opened up to and leaned on Talia in a way no one had trusted her with until that point. People asked her to run dangerous errands, sure, but Lyse trusted her with real, genuine, vulnerability and it was the fist time Talia felt like the Scions were more than just coworkers. Throughout Stormblood, Talia finally had someone who was on her level. The Scions are mostly Archons, all far more intelligent, well educated, and capable than she is. Lyse was just a girl who missed her sister and could hit things good and wanted to make a difference, just like Talia. More than that, she was fun. Her idealism and sincerity were infectious. And then Lyse left. She had ideas and dreams and aspirations and wanted to make them real. It was a worthy, understandable desire, but Talia was gutted by her choice even if she supported it. She loves getting to visit her and catch up, but she wishes she'd stayed.

-> Y'shtola. Mean goth girls with emotional walls who love to roast people, yes, they do bond over this. Beyond that, though, there's no one whose opinion Talia respects more than Y'shtola's. Full stop. She is the most capable, most reliable, and most honest person she knows. It's comforting to know that Y'shtola will hold everyone to the same standards she holds herself, even if it's a little intimidating how high those standards are and how easily she seems to meet them. And Y'shtola looks out for her just as much as Thancred does, albeit less tactfully. She was the only person who respected her enough to tell her the honest truth about the Light poisoning. Given her history, Talia always prefer a harsh truth over a comforting lie. But sometimes that harshness makes it hard for her to let herself open up around Y'shtola. Her competence is a double edged sword that hides her vulnerability, which is the measuring stick of intimacy. Y'shtola's so capable, Talia frequently doubts that there's anything she can offer her besides a good swordarm. Her affection is something Talia's had to learn to interpret, and something Y'shtola self-admittedly struggles to convey, but they're both important to each other and they're working on it.

-> Urianger. He was the Scion she took the longest to warm up to, due largely to his own self imposed isolation after Moenbryda's death and his continued deceptions in Heavensward and Shadowbringers. She thought he was pragmatic and useful, but cold. That opinion changed when she saw patient and gentle he was not just with the twins, but with kids in general. There was a warmth there she hadn't thought he was capable of and it helped make his lies easier to bear. When he broke down and confessed to his deceptions and expressed his remorse, his shame, she just... didn't have it in her anymore to hold that grudge. She'd been through enough of that with Minfilia and Emet-Selch. By Endwalker, she was a raw nerve on her last legs, and Urianger was as gentle and patient with her as he was with the kids they bonded over. When he finally, after years, opened up to her even a little bit about Moenbryda and his difficulties making connections, she felt safe enough to let him in and to be there for him. It took a while to get there, but they are, genuinely, very close, and she's asked him to help her with one of her biggest insecurities; learning magic, specifically healing.

-> G'raha Tia. There are few easy dynamics among the Scions, huh? G'raha is one of the people she admires most, but also someone who has left her a goddamn husk of a person composed only of tears and anxiety. First off, he is single handedly responsible for the second worst mental breakdown she's ever had, second only to the time her actual twin sister died. She was ready to kill him on the spot upon arriving in The First if he did not produce Alisaie and Alphinaud right then and there. It drove her insane how secretive he was while acting like some old friend. Finally seeing the scale of devastation he was fighting against with everything in his power, she started coming around. There was still anger but once she figured out who he was, all she could really do was pity him. He'd been so quick to throw his life away, appointing himself as the guardian of Allag's mistakes, protecting the world from the horrors of the tower, only to become a symbol that everyone pinned their hopes on. That felt familiar. And then when she realized that it was all for her, and that he intended to die to save her, all she could think about was losing Haurchefant. She maybe wrapped up a lot of that unresolved trauma and her issues of self worth in saving him. My favorite screenshot I ever took in this game is still this accidental moment of poetic cinema where she's holding his soul in her hands against her heart, enveloped by the memory of Haurchefant in the House Fortemps ring she never takes off.

That's it! That's their relationship! Got it in one! He is so compassionate and thoughtful and by his own merit, she cares for him deeply, but there is a LOT of baggage she's wrapped up around him. He's just as much a symbol to her as she is to him, someone she was finally, finally able to save who held this impossible idea of her in his mind's eye (Haurchefant, Emet-Selch). She cares for him very deeply and yeah, isn't oblivious to his... pretty obvious romantic idolization of her, but. Good lord. There are a lot of very difficult conversations they need to have in unpacking their baggage and the issues they keep projecting onto each other before they can even begin to discuss G'raha's crush and what to do about it. Until then, she just... kinda lets it be the elephant in the room and tries not to think about it.

-> Ryne. Talia was determined to be as kind to and supportive of Ryne as she wished she had been to Minfilia. When she saw how hard Thancred was on her, she stepped in to provide unwavering love and support, became her guide on living with the Blessing of Light that Minfilia had once been to her. She also maybe saw some of her younger self in this girl that she desperately wanted to nurture, as she wished someone had done for her. Talia's not quite a mother-figure to her,more of an aunt who knows what an asshole Thancred can be when he puts his mind to it and thus knows how to cheer Ryne up to console her through it. On her own merit, Talia thinks Ryne is one of the bravest, kindest, and most thoughtful young women she's ever known. She's so proud of the person she's becoming and is amazed by her resilience.

-> Alisaie. The only reason Alisaie is second to Y'shtola on Talia's list of people she respects is because Alisaie is still a child, and it would look really bad if her top advisor was 16. When it comes to knowing what's right though, Alisaie is always on mark. She cares so much about everyone all the time that the only way she can express it is rage at the universe for not being fair to those same people and then fixing it through the raw force of power that is Teenage Girl With A Chip On Her Shoulder. Alisaie is the most incredible person Talia knows and there is no one she is more proud to have earned the love and respect of, or whose development into her true self she is more proud to bear witness to. Alisaie's strength is also exactly why Talia has insisted on mothering her despite the girl's obvious desire for independence; because she'll never ask for that help when she needs it most.

-> Alphinaud. If Estinien is the proof of concept of the ethos she wants to live by, Alphinaud is the one who penned that ethos and embodies it on a daily basis. There is no one she loves more than this boy, she might try to mother Alisaie, but Alphinaud just is her son. He is the primary reason she held to hope in the gauntlet of despair that is Endwalker. Alphinaud has grown as much as she has, if not more, and they've gone through that growth together. Talia was a jaded malcontent when they first met, and Alphinaud, when he wasn't parading around like the Widdlest Dictator, was smug, condescending, and insufferable. And then the universe slapped him in the face with a humble pie and he lost faith in everything, himself most of all. Seeing him like that, she realized... oh fuck. Right. He's a child. And she'd been projecting her contempt at her own past naivete about Garlemald onto him. And maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe that was the same awful thing she'd done to Minfilia. So instead of taking him to task, she just hugged him and told him it was going to be okay. He'd messed up. He'd messed up real bad and people had died because he didn't realize how ugly the world was, but wanting to believe that better things were possible wasn't the mistake there. She knew exactly what that felt like and exactly what he needed from her that she never got from anyone, not even herself; forgiveness. She became very protective of him after that, desperate to preserve whatever innocence and hope he had left. And at the darkest point of the Dragonsong war, it paid off. Alphinaud realized that he'd internalized the wrong message about his grandfather's death; it isn't about what we're willing to sacrifice for some greater good, it's about what we want to save. It was something so obvious that she'd forgotten after she fell so hard from losing her faith in anything bigger than her own bloodied hands. He made her want to try to have hope again. By choosing to save Estinien, that boy saved her too, and the fucking world, and all creation. All by being his sweet, thoughtful, brave little self. She is stupid proud of him and loves him so much. She's his mom now. And I think given how much he relies on the WoL, how much more receptive he is than Alisaie to their concern for him and how he seeks them out for advice and comfort, the feeling's mutual.

[urnoflilliesandroses]

Light lies

[ Notice: this isn't conon to the Tcoaal game at all. I plan to write more of these cause why not. ]

Angel turned a page in her book. She was reading a book she managed to pawn off a man in robes. Her interest in Demonology had grown sense Mors came into her life making her feelings twist in a pleasant knot she didn't want to end. With Ashley and Andrew being codependent on each other gave her ample time to read.

Silence would make this all better. Unfortunately, her siblings won't give her this time to completely unwind. It was normal for arguments, fights, and dysfunction. Today Angel had it and went out to a place where she could be at peace for a minute. Only a minute.

She found Mors's form following her. He can sense her emotions. Her intentions; ever sense he chose her, they became more than Mors could had intended.

"Oleander? May I ask what's gotten to you so deep?"

"Ashley and Andrew are fighting over some shit. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted silence. I need silence to calm down or else I'll fucking loose it!"

"Now now," a hand rubbed Angel's back, "there's no need to have violent impulsive thoughts. Remember, we have to wait until your older. For now, we can runaway from them. All of them."

"I'm still questioning if I should. I got everything I need and then some. I just-"

"Want to bring them." Mors finished Angle's sentence. Killing her thoughts, "they wouldn't listen to you. Ashley would just use Andrew to get to you. Andrew would be picking at every decision you make. Why would you want to uproot them when they've only came to you to take? Would it be worth dealing with Ashley's fits? You wouldn't be able to reclaim what was yours."

"Percy...."

Her cat friend was killed. Ashley's dismissal echoed through her head. 'It was just a cat. Why are you so sensitive?' Ashley has always been cruel though Angel chalked it up from how she's been treated by their parents, specifically their mom.

"She didn't mean for it to hurt me. She didn't ever get love from mother or father. I just got ignored."

"Oleander. You've turned out different than her. What's her excuse?"

"mother and father don't love her. I at least have outside people. She has no one. Andrew is complicated in this. I'm not saying I don't love her but..," Angel curled into a ball, "I don't know how much I can take. I can't take care of them. I try so Andrew isn't doing everything."

"What do you choose?"

Angel thought in silence, "I choose me, Oleander."

"Very well then, let's go to our foundation. They'll be willing to help you. You're too young to be alone."

"Right!"

Angel didn't leave without a trace. A green for Andrew and pink rabbit for Ashley where left behind.

[hanchette]

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 : ( kabaneri of the iron fortress male characters )

a/n : hello anon! sorry it took long ehe, but here's the scenario you asked!!

consist of : fluff, crushing stage, comedy, gender neutral reader — being kurusu's sibling and the boys having a crush on you

𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐌𝐀, he's either obvious or not when he has taken a liking to someone and there's no in between so it can be a blessing or a curse. kurusu having the knowledge of ikoma taking a liking to his baby sibling will obviously make him question the person—he's the type of brother who doesn't outwardly go “woah woah woah back off!” but more of a “why? what do you have? what can you give them?” it's a different kind of threat and it's intimidating. so learning that ikoma has a crush on you, here's what brother kurusu has to say, “hah? you're reckless and impulsive, if you think I'll let you date my sibling well think again.” as he lean on the door of the train, looking down on ikoma by the stairs, a judgemental look plastered on him face.

+ i can imagine ikoma not backing off, holding his gaze up and explaining his points to kurusu until he get exasperated though.

+ there's this one time that he sneaked to meet you. ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐀𝐑𝐈, uhm, what made you think?? kurusu always has an eye directed to sukari when he caught wind of the information, constantly observing him. “listen to brother, he's not it, alright? you can do better, there's takumi, kuranosuke or kibito! oh no- not kibito-” kurusu shakes his head, hands on your shoulder as he lean in, “look the point is, not with them.” but sukari is a hardheaded one for sure and kurusu knows that, so every moves he does is supervised. he's coming to tease you and say hello? “you are needed at front.” sukari is looking for you? “y/n is busy, you can just tell me and I'll rely it to y/n.” he did not. kurusu sabotages everything that sukari will do, if he's not there, he'll drag you with him lmao.

+ kurusu once caught him with you, his hand creeping near to yours.

𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐔𝐌𝐈, he's an okay in kurusu's eyes. he's nice, can treat you right, prudent, humble, and- kurusu merely worries because he follows in his best friend's footsteps many times before “damn it ikoma” he used to curse with his eye twitching at the thought. don't get me wrong though, kurusu still watches like a hawk but he's merely watching what conspires and only interfere when he feels like something is wrong. more often than not though, it's takumi who get frightened by kurusu alone plus the fact that he knows that takumi is crushing on you.

he could never make a move or initiative without kurusu's blessing to court you first.

𝐔𝐑𝐘𝐔𝐔, no- JUST NO

he does arsons, follows biba all around, can endanger and worry you?? why??? he's not letting this man within sights. nuh uh he can never be seen. “you'd have to get through me first” and “over my dead body” are the main saying that big bro kurusu will utter.

[katwriteswitcherthings]

Title: Vi Moxt Miirik (Chapter Two - Also on AO3)

Prompt: Wuv: giving gifts

Pairing: Geralt & Jaskier

Rating: T

Warnings: None

Summary:

Our favorite lovable Bard is a little more than he let's Geralt know. Follow them through the years as he learns to let down his walls and show Geralt how beautiful he really is.

Chapter Two

Jaskier had never felt like this before. Following after a Witcher had been the best decision of his life. It had been five years and every day he felt he learned something new about Geralt. The compassion he showed to Filavandrel's elves was only the beginning. Since then, Jaskier had witnessed Geralt taking 'contracts' on a pair of godlings, a succubus, and a handful of trolls. Every time, without fail, he convinced the 'monster' to leave the area without harming them. The godlings had just been causing mischief, the succubus was very careful with her meals, and the trolls just needed to move further into the mountains away from people. Geralt had even helped them find a suitable cave to move into.

He was, without a doubt, the most compassionate person Jaskier had ever met.

Which is why Jaskier was here, agonizing over the small bracelet in his hands. A small silver scale sat in the middle, a little smaller than the size of his palm, with thin silver wire holding it in place in an elaborate design. It was open on the back, to be able to be cuff onto Geralt's wrist, and a small bright blue gem set directly in the middle of the scale.

It was beautiful. It was powerful; Jaskier could feel it even now, a small spot of his attention drawn directly onto the bracelet. And his Mother will absolutely murder him when she finds out he's done this. Doubly so when she finds out he's given this to a Witcher, of all creatures. But he couldn't help it, honestly, and she should know better by now how impulsive he is. For once, he's actually taking things slow!!! She should be proud of him!

...He might not even give it to Geralt. Not yet, at least. Maybe he should wait another year or two...

Maybe he could stand the uncertainty of not knowing if Geralt was okay for another year... Of having to hunt him down over the vastness that is the Continent. Yeah. Of course.

Which is why, the moment Jaskier spotted Geralt walking up the road into Ard Carraigh, he knew that it could not wait. He was in the middle of a set with a decent enough crowd that meant he could not stop playing and fling himself into his Witcher's arms. More's the shame because he actually looked clean at this moment. Finally, about half an hour later, he finished his set.

"I'll be at the Hen Evall tonight and tomorrow, if you wish to hear more of my amazing tales!" He called out to the crowd, getting a hearty cheer back from the small crowd. 

With a smile and a flourishing bow, he picked up his hat and lute case from the ground and approached the Witcher, who was hiding off to the side of a building, petting Roach gently as he kept his sharp golden gaze roaming on alert. 

"I do hope you haven't gotten a room yet." Jaskier said as he fell into step beside Geralt, leading him deeper into the city towards the inn.

"Hm..." Geralt just hummed and let Jaskier lead them to the inn. Jaskier, of course, nervous beyond measure, chattered away the entire time about nothing and everything that came to his mind.

Jaskier escorted his Witcher up to his rented room after he settled Roachie in at the stables, and immediately set about straightening up his belongings. It was his worst habit, tossing clothing anywhere and everywhere when he settled into a place for more than a day or two.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Jaskier exclaimed, schooling his voice into something casual instead of nervous. He dug into his satchel and pulled out the bracelet, sending a small prayer up to whatever goddesses that look out for bards and Witchers, turning around with a charming smile fixed into place as Geralt gave him a questioning look. "I found this at Oxenfurt for you."

"What is it?" Geralt asked, taking the cuff from him with no hesitation. A chill went up his spine as Geralt gently examined it. It looked delicate in his hands, even more so than it did in Jaskier's, and he suddenly worried that Geralt wouldn't like it.

"The woman who sold it to me said it was a good luck charm, to keep people from stealing from you." Jaskier explained with a wave, downplaying it. If there was anything Jaskier was great at, it was redirecting. "After that mess with the bandits last year, I thought you needed some better luck."

"It reeks of magic." He just grunted back. Jaskier raised his eyebrows in feigned shock. Of course it smelled like magic, he did not say; it smelled like Jaskier's magic. It had taken a lot of effort to imbue it with all the necessary properties.

"Really?" Jaskier asked instead, playing along.

"Probably a scale from a wyvern or a slyzard. Nothing worth claiming it would be good luck." Geralt grumbled out, his inspection of the cuff apparently complete. Jaskier bit his lip, hard, to keep from screeching at the man. How dare he compare that scale to something so commonplace as a wyvern? His eyes darted to the cuff where Geralt was now trying to hand it back, and that... hurt. He blinked a few times, trying to blink back the tears that were now threatening to fall. 

Of course Geralt couldn't be blamed for not wanting it. He didn't even understand what he was rejecting, which was solely Jaskier's fault, he fully realized. But it still hurt.

He heard Geralt sigh loudly before a bare wrist was shoved forward, breaking his staring contest with the floor. Jaskier glanced up hopefully, and saw a small smile tugging at the edges of Geralt's lip.

"Really?" He asked, just to be sure. Geralt nodded and Jaskier smiled, his genuine one, not the performative one. He stepped a little closer to Geralt, and with a smooth motion he slipped the cuff onto Geralt's left wrist.

He felt the magic take hold, wrapping itself around Geralt's being, tying him to Jaskier. It was warm and comforting, and Jaskier felt relief at last. He would always be able to find Geralt, now, and know with certainty that he was okay. The cuff transformed as the magic settled, and Geralt just inspected it again, eyes a little wide but no signs yet of rejecting it. The cuff was now a simple silver band, resting completely comfortably against his wrist.

"Is it supposed to do that?" Jaskier asked, curious if Geralt now recognized what it was.

"Hm..." Geralt just hummed, and played with the band a little before letting it settle. As long as the stubborn man kept it on, Jaskier would always be able to find him, eventually. It would lead him, like a homing beacon. It would also give him some protection against magic, boosting his already high resistance to mind control and the like, and ward against theft. It really was because they had nearly been robbed blind by bandits the year before, or at least that's what inspired Jaskier to create this unique gift.

"I guess it was worth the coin you spent on it, at least." Jaskier couldn't help but beam at his ridiculous Witcher.

[looseleaftales]

starting off with a personal tarot reading - i got stressed about impulsively starting this account, so the question was "did i completely mess up my social media usage with this?"

(it's late, so just a basic pass through the positions. i might do more operations on this set tomorrow).

situation - empress. creativity, wanting a place to express myself and share things i love. the whole point of this page is to eventually build up to regularly reading for people. i miss it, and it's not really working on my main social media site (mastodon). also potentially - me trying to nurture myself in new ways by allowing myself to be loud about the meaningful stuff.

motivation - 5 of cups. it's emotionally challenging, to not only be physically isolated, but have the virtual connections be somewhat limited. if i can't share the things that matter - yearning. i can get random interactions anywhere, i want to share meaningfully, contribute.

first steps - ace of cups. just start a new thing about my interests, this is correct, that is what i've done.

outlook - 8 of wands. intensity, overwhelm. i started thinking about all the various apps and websites i'm on for socializing, and while there's not much activity in each, there are already too many of them for me. so adding to that feels like a bad choice. and then thinking about all the projects i want to be doing next year, joining obod - there's also a mentorship and forum situation there. wanted to try play by post roleplay forums, too. just. so many things to pay attention to. i don't have that many words to go around.

asset - page of wands. i'm like... really good at starting stuff, i just love the first stages of figuring stuff out, excitement. so what if it doesn't proceed like i thought? if it doesn't work, or works too well - it will settle. or i'll just drop it. it's really not a big deal, it can just be fun for now. i can just post tarot things i found, i don't have to Produce and Give Of Myself all the time. chill out.

what needs to be in place - 9 of wands. withdrawal of energy. yes. i don't have to Be On Tumblr now. i can just pop in once a day, once every few days. follow people who don't spam so i can always manage my timeline even after an absence, interact without getting trapped in the scroll. or only come on when i have something of substance to post. maybe it's something to think about: how to guard my attention, my spoons etc to make the most of this place?

opportunity - 3 of coins. growth. probably just a little push to start this out right and Interact, follow up with folks who like/reply/reblog/follow, to get the ball rolling a little bit. but that's after i figure out the 9 of wands.

ok, feeling a little better. and i have an idea - i'll make a page with my favorite resources. or a pinned post, if you can have more than one, not sure. or a little series of posts under a unifying tag. so that's something nice and easy to work on that doesn't put any social Demands on me for my brain to Avoid by default.

[erabundus]

@marchingasone &&. said... katelyn grins to herself as she receives the message from ren. this is way too funny. so huh, turns out kami and ren aren't as close as she thought. she should've paid more attention, but it doesn't really matter. if she can work ren over that'd be twice as amusing, definitely something that would piss kami off. even more so, she can really twist things around in her favor. what harm is there in stretching the truth a bit? msg from katxgirlxoxo: oh, you know. we got drunk, we got high. we had sex. you probably don't want to hear all the details about your cousin, huh? gross lmao leaning back in her bed, katelyn decides to scroll through other profiles and pictures she has. pictures she's taken herself, or that were sent to her. there's one picture she's taken that she really needs to send out. that would also be funny. but before she does that, she's messaging ren again msg from katxgirlxoxo: why, are you interested? ;)

well,  she's  certainly  spot  on  about  ONE  THING  —  gross  is  right.  although  ren  would  argue  this  entire  conversation  has  been  nothing  less  than  utterly  repulsive.  the  impulse  to  block  itches  at  the  back  of  his  skull,  growing  STRONGER  with  every  passing  moment.  he  will  —  at  some  point.  for  the  time  being,  the  streamer  thinks  there's  a  chance  he  can  still  get  a  little  more  out  of  this.  even  if  the  thought  of  feigning  interest  makes  him  feel  sick to his stomach.

squeezing  both  eyes  shut,  ren  exhales  a  faint sigh  —  not  out  of  exasperation  (  though  he  surely  feels  it  )  but  rather,  in  an  effort  to  steady  himself.  it's  just  like  acting,  he  reasons.  no  different  from  the  sort  of  performance  he  puts  on  while  he's  streaming  —  sprinkling  in  honeyed  words  among  the  deluge  of  poison  to  keep  an  audience  CAPTIVATED.  the  real  him  is  far  too  ugly,  far  too  unappealing  to  be  unleashed  upon  his  followers  without  the  risk  of  rejection.  yet  if  he  simply  pretends  to  occasionally  reflect  the  scraps  of  interest  they  show  him  in  return,  it's  easy  enough  to  keep  them  HOOKED.  ren  thinks  it  should  be  no  different  here;  be  casual,  display  just  enough  interest  to  make  it  seem  genuine.  if  he  tries  too  hard,  she's  likely  to  figure  out  he  has  ulterior  motives  —  but  if  he  can  only  convince  her  he's  another  PAWN  to  be  taken  advantage  of,  there's a chance  he  might  actually  get  somewhere. ( or maybe he's wasting his time; that would be just his luck. )

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: yeah 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: lmao tmi, i'll just take your word for it

seriously; he's well aware he's making a disgusted face, even as he texts.

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: but to answer your question 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: maybe?? 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: that depends whether you are 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑: and where you're at ig

[jehuty00]

The basics - n°2 - Impulses (or drives)

What is an impulse ? My God, this question is important. An impulse is something that comes by itself, spontaneously. A movement that appears by itself. Example: The heart beats on its own, without the help of your will. Hunger grows by itself and imposes itself on the individual. The dream appears on its own, spontaneously, when the will is at its weakest level. The animals reproduce at the same time, depending on the heat season. The lion eats the gazelle, the gazelle grazes on the grass, and the man stands. In order for a newborn to appear, cells divide, multiply, then agglomerate in certain places, according to a very precise logic. And it all happens, again, on its own.

I have already guessed the answer to the following problem. But I have to say it explicitly. This is the problem: more often than not, drives are equated with subsistence alone, survival alone. This is how they are only brought back to the body, or to something gross. First, there is nothing gross about survival processes, or instinctive ones. Animals aren't perverse (I'll explain what perversion is one day). But above all, drives can exist in many states, many forms. Moreover, some impulses are more subtle than others, the problem being that in this case, it is difficult to notice their existence. But there is a perfect candidate to translate subtlety and omnipresence. I mean the dream of course. What is a dream if not something that comes by itself? When the one you think you are - the personality - has the least influence. The dream is like a secret, parallel life. Dreams are capable of producing situations, images, emotions, sensations of great beauty. Who has never been amazed by a dream? They are able to create things that you never thought you could imagine. Who has never learned, or had an idea based on a dream? Not to mention the mystery they arouse. So. We dream every day. And the dream drive cannot be explained by the survival of the body alone. And there are a plethora of other drives. Basically, everything that falls under the category of the unconscious belongs to it: missed acts, slips of the tongue, fantasies, desires, signs/synchronicities, trances... So many actions that go beyond our conscious self, which does not understand anything. Besides, let's use the category of the unconscious a little more to answer a question. Are impulses more subtle than thoughts? Of course yes. If some impulses are obvious, very visible, others are so subtle that we do not see them at all. This is also why we speak of unconsciousness when we consider the invisible drives of an individual. Example: You don't realize that every time a certain work colleague comes into your environment, you manage to walk away, you always have something to do. The truth is that you can't stand his presence, but you haven't admitted it to yourself because, in everyone's eyes, he's supposed to be nice. The thought, on the contrary, does not escape us. Be careful, the category of the unconscious is quite correct to designate individual drives, but the great drive reality easily goes beyond what concerns the individual. In fact, we find them all the time all around us. Men spawn on their own with two arms and two legs, trees spawn on their own, etc. These so-called natural phenomena create themselves, spontaneously. These are all impulses. Well, if you're smart, there's a big connection to be made with what's been said before. Note, you can also go in another direction. It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is: the inner flame! If it's bubbling, whatever's bubbling, it's good! That's where the truth is, there and not elsewhere! So unlock the secrets of the universe! But eat a little something first.

Warning : this is a translation with google, and few corrections. But still, the text is full of mistakes. Sorry, I don't want to spend too much time to translate. Of course I'm not a native speaker, and my original work is in french.

Warning 2 : Every article is related to the others, so it's difficult to understand without reading everything in order. Look at the numbers to be chronological. Good luck.

[skaldish]

I saw your post about male intimacy and whatnot, and it made me want to share.

I don't know if it is gendered, but I assume it is (it could just be me) but something that makes that experience so much more oppressive is how American men are raised to handle emotion. From the very beginning you are shown that the worst thing a man can be is weak, and that emotions are weakness. So, without even realizing it, you strangle your emotions relentlessly, throttling your 'weak' responses and thoughts, until one day it doesn't bother you anymore. And then, once you realize that doing that was unhealthy, you find that the reason it stopped bothering you is that the process is so subconscious now that you don't know what you are feeling anymore. Unless it is a societally approved emotion like rage or joy (how horrid that rage fits in here) you just can't tap into how you feel. You have reactions and then later you say, "Oh, I think I acted that way because I was sad."

I'm putting this in on anon because I don't have the courage to be seen, as a man, putting this forward in my own voice. It's weak. I feel ashamed even typing this, but something is pushing me forward. And worst, I consider myself well-adjusted compared to lots of my male peers. This is a tragedy that we have been conditioned to perpetrate against ourselves.

Thanks for your post. It kindled something in me that feels very important. I wish you the best on your journey.

You're welcome.

I've only just begun to experience what it's like to be perceived as male, because I hormonally transitioned during the pandemic.

But for what it's worth, maybe I can try to provide some context for what it is you guys are going through.

(Disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist.)

So, I'll start by pointing out this terrifying thing: Every last ask given to me by cis men (which are many!) describes male conditioning the same way my followers who grew up in religious cults describe their religious brainwashing.

Yes. Actually.

Take a moment to swap "being weak" with "sinning," the word "man" with the word "Christian," and "emotions" with the word "doubt," and you will have something extremely close to the same thing.

The same way cults enact undue influence on their followers, it seems like American culture enacts undue influence on men.

I'm also someone who has complex lifelong traumas and was successfully treated for them, so I can tell you that I intimately know the feeling of:

"I want to act on this authentic impulse, but I can't seem to make myself do that because I'm fucking terrified the rejection will be too much to handle."

This is what my EMDR therapist described as "programming and conditioning." This is something that's learned by a very deep part of the brain, one that controls our basic survival. This part always overrides our higher thinking because it's evolutionarily designed to do so, for our protection and survival. Even if we want to act differently, we can't because of how our brains work.

But I'm telling you this here and now, as a man who grew up as a woman—this fear of weakness you have looks more like a programmed thing than a masculinity thing. Because I actually feel WAY more comfortable expressing my softer and shyer side now that I'm on T and presenting masculine.

Also, the compulsion to shove down your emotions or do things that "fight against the weakness," is behavior that looks striking similar to the way cult-members use affirmations or certain activities to self-indoctrinate. Self-indoctrination soothes the brain and stops it from doubting or questioning the views of the cult.

(Come to think of it, shoving things down is also how the Boomer generation goes about ignoring their traumas, as if that somehow doesn't come out sideways in every interaction they have.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this:

It's not that this just "sucks." This is literally actually trauma.

I can't even begin to describe to people the awful, gaping, howling, wordless wound that's inflicted by lifelong, early-childhood trauma. It is a yawning and cavernous need that sits at the very bottom of your soul. It feels like you're always mourning the loss of someone you love, but you don't even know who. And nothing you do ever seems to remotely reach it, let alone give it what it's crying out for.

Good gods, it took me months and months of extremely difficult and specialized therapy to uncover that starving part of myself. Sure, I am never able to change the fact I had been so hurt—but I did finally get to feed that starving part of myself.

What I'm saying is, the healing is possible and the affects of the wound can be nullified.

I think the more people destigmatize treating mental health, the more awareness and availability there will be for these kinds of things.

I genuinely want everyone who's AMAB to know that struggling with this kind of thing is brutally hard, is NOT a sign of weakness, and IS something you can justify treating as trauma, rather than a moral failing.

People want to be intimate with people and that's simply just a human thing, not a gender thing.

[hyunsuks-beanie]

Running Away With You

*Image Credits to rightful owners*

Bang Chan x reader; non idol AU; established relationship; fluff; midly suggestive at places

Word Count: 4.25k

A/N: A huge thank you to @youn9racha, for this super cute request. I am as much a sucker for road trips as I am for Chan, so I really enjoyed writing this!! I hope you like it as much as I did.

"Do you ever just want to pack your bags and run away in the night, without telling anyone?," you ask your boyfriend, Chan, as you both lay in bed one night. "That's an interesting question," he says, playing with your hair, "Though first I'd like to know what made you think of that." "Pfft. It's nothing too complex, Christopher. It's just a random thought that popped into my head," you say, while rolling your eyes at his inquisitive nature.

"Y/N, I know you, and I can sense that you've got something bothering that pretty head of yours, and making you want to run away. So tell me, what is it?," Chan speaks in a soothing tone, making you snuggle into his chest even more, while letting out a sigh. "It's just, work has been so crazy these past few days, and the pressures of the real world are getting to me. You remember when we were back in college? Whenever things got too hard, we used to go on road trips to clear our heads. Even a couple days away from the harsh real life were enough to rejuvenate us. I guess I just miss those times, now that real life responsibilities are wearing us down."

Once you're done with your little rant, Chan pulls your head up a little, making you look at him. He softly says, "Aww baby, I'm so sorry I didn't realize you've been struggling these past few days. I guess I've been too busy with my own work tonoticee. I know we're no longer in college, but I promise to you, that whenever the going gets tough, I'll do everything in my ability to help your through." "I know Channie, I know. I have you, and it's more than enough."

You give in to sleep after a while, and so, you fail to notice that Chan takes a little longer to fall asleep that night. He keeps thinking back on what you said earlier, carrying out an internal debate with himself. "Y/N is right. Work and responsibilities have taken a toll on us, and a road trip may be just what we need. But can we really afford to just 'run away?' There are too many projects, too many commitments. And we owe it to our colleagues to tell them that we will be away for a few days," he thinks to himself, before slowly drifting off to dreamland.

The next morning brings with itself a fresh hustle, but your face doesn't betray any sign of the frustrations you let come to the surface last night. But Chan knows better, and, seeing his reflection while getting ready for work, he realizes that his own expression mirrors yours. A thin veil to hide the fact that it's getting too much. At his office that day, he can't seem to focus on his work, since his mind keeps drifting back to your words. By the time the evening rolls around, he has made up his mind. He's going to run away with you, for a week anyway.

But a road trip needs some planning, and Chan wants this vacation to be the perfect little surprise for you. So, on his way home, he stops by at the convenience store to buy some essentials. Instant noodles, a few bottles of beer, disposable utensils, rental DVDs, he collects quite a few things, being reminded of your college days with each item he adds to his cart. In a moment of impulse, he even purchases a tent fit for two, and once he's done shopping, he hides everything in the boot of his car. You don't need to know of his plan, yet.

The following day, he leaves his office early, calling in a week's leave of absence due to some made-up reason. Instead of going home, he first drops by at your office. Not to meet you, but to get a similar application for leave approved on your behalf.

He finally heads back home to pack and ready a couple of things for your trip. "Y/N wanted to run away in the middle of the night, and that is what we'll do," he smiles to himself. When you come home, he remains tight-lipped about his little surprise for you, even though his excitement is trying to get the best of him.

Once the clock strikes twelve, he brings you out to his car, without telling you the reason. "Just please, come on! Don't you trust me?," he says, pouting. On his way out of the house, he picks up your phone from the couch, along the house keys. You don't notice this, however, as you're busy pestering him with questions. "Chan, why are we going out so late at night? What's going on? Tell me!" "You wanted to run away, right? Well, how about running away...... to the convenience store?," he smiles cheekily, making you giggle. "Gosh you're such a cheesy idiot," you say, getting into the car, still blissfully unaware of his intentions.

"Yeah, but I'm your cheesy idiot," he laughs, pressing his foot on the accelerator.

It doesn't take you long to realize that instead of driving over to the 24/7 close to your house, Chan has pulled onto the highway. You turn to look at him, only to see him smiling brightly, his eyes trained ahead. "Chan, what are you doing?," you ask, though feel like you already know the answer. "Running away with you," he says, taking your hand in his his, and bringing it up to his lips.

"What? But that was just a random rant! And what about work? We can't just disappear like that," you exclaim, to which, he only replies by giving you a knowing look. "Let me guess, you already informed our offices?" "Yes, and no," he quips. When you look at him quizzically, he elaborates, "I submitted applications for leave, making up some random excuse. So we have a whole week to ourselves." "But, what about essentials and supplies? We don't have anything to eat," you try to reason. He counters, "Babe, I've been planning this for two days, and I already stocked up on all our favourite snacks, drinks, and movies. I even got us a tent for days we want to sleep out in the open. I've got it all set, so don't you worry. The only thing I need you to do is to promise me that for the next seven days, you won't check your phone. I've already downloaded tons of songs and created at least 20 different playlists. You won't be getting any work-related messages, since I've taken care of that as well, and for directions, we'll take the traditional way, and ask around."

"Directions? Where exactly are we going anyway?," is your next question. To your surprise, he simply shrugs, before telling you that he doesn't have any specific place in mind. "Let's just wander away, going wherever the road takes us," he says, rather poetically, to which, you can't help but laugh. You then let out a soft sigh, making him look at you. "Sounds like a plan to me. Chan and Y/N, running away together, with no destination in mind," you smile, before reaching over and kissing his cheek.

"Let's play some music, shall we?," you ask, before hitting shuffle on the first playlist that pops up on your phone. You both settle in a comfortable silence, and soon enough, you begin to get drowsy. Chan notices this, and tells you to rest your eyes for a bit. "Promise to wake me up in like, two hours, so that I can take over the wheel," you yawn. "Okay fine bub, now sleep." Chan continues driving, occasionally stealing glances at your sleeping form. "How did I get so lucky?," he wonders, just like he does every day.

Morning finds you to be the one behind the wheel, as Chan naps contently in the passenger seat. The brightness of the sun finally wakes him up, and he realizes that you've left the highway, and are now driving through what appears to be the countryside. "I wonder where we're headed," he says while yawning. "Well, a signboard I saw earlier told me that we are somewhere in Jeonju," you reply. Instead of words, Chan's reply comes as a grumbling from his stomach. "Hungry," you quip, making him nod his head vigorously. You hit the breaks, before preparing some instant ramen for breakfast.

You eventually continue on your trip, and after a few hours, you find yourself in the midst of traditional Korean buildings, which seem to be from the Joseon dynasty. "Is this perhaps a tourist location?," wonders Chan loudly, making you reply, "Only one way to find out." You both get out of the car and do some asking around. You find out that the place where you houses the residences of the noblemen of old, and has now been converted into a shooting-cum-tourist spot. "Tourists can get traditional hanboks from that store, to complete the experience," an old woman tells you.

You turn to look at Chan, your eyes shining. Twenty minutes later, you exit the store, dresses from head to toe in a light blue hanbok. Chan's eyes nearly pop out when he sees you, and when he tells you the same, you can't help but blush.

You continue to hang around the place little while longer, and have dinner at a small eatery nearby.

"I feel like I'm 20 again. Thank you Channie," you say, holding his hand across the table. "Anything for you love," he winks.

Evening eventually comes around, and you guys hit the road once again. Around dinner time, you notice that you are crossing by a wood and supplies shop, and an idea strikes your mind. "Let's buy some wood and grill our meat!," you say excitedly, making Chan coo at how adorable you are. "Great idea babe. Let me park."

You quickly exit the car and visit the shop to buy some wood, then get started on your mini bonfire. It proves to be more difficult than you had thought, given how inexperienced the both of you are. In the end, you manage to get the fire going enough for the meat to be grilled, and turn around to ask Chan to bring in the eatables, when you see his face. It's completely covered in soot from his failed attempts at lighting the flame, making you double over in laughter. "You look so funny," you say while gasping for air. "Wouldn't be so funny if I got this soot on your face now, will it?," he retorts, coming after you. You try to run, but it's obviously in vain, as Chan grabs hold of you in under a minute. You both laugh harder than you have in months, and when you finally calm down, you give your boyfriend a tight hug. He hugs you back, and whispers, "I love you." "I love you too, Channie," you say, "Now go and get the meat, I'm hungry." "Way to ruin the moment, Y/N," he grumbles as you push him away.

After dinner, you walk up to the shop owner to thank him, and ask his permission to camp nearby. "It rained a few days ago, so the ground is still wet, and will be uncomfortable. But you can rent a room here for the night if you'd like," he offers. "That'll be great sir, thank you for the help." Chan says, coming up behind you. The shop owner gives you the keys to a room, and before leaving, says something that leaves you both red at the ears. "No funny business here, please. I know you both are young, and controlling yourself is hard. But I'd rather you didn't 'play around' unnecessarily on my bed."

You get changed and climb into the bed, snuggling up to each other. "First day down, babe," you smile with your eyes closed. When Chan doesn't reply, you open them, only to find your man staring at you with love in his eyes. "This is pure healing for me, thank you for suggesting this trip, love," he says. You talk about anything and everything for a while, and then suddenly, you feel Chan's soft lips pressing against yours. He gives you a sweet kiss, and pulling away, says, "About what the old man said earlier.....," while smirking. You shove his chest, saying, "We shouldn't," making him pout. "Although, making out doesn't count as 'funny business,' does it?" And that's enough to make him press his lips back to yours, moving so as to hover over you.

You wrap your arms around his back, pulling you closer to him. He licks your lower lip, making you part your lips and allowing his tongue to enter. After a while, you break away, only to grab his T-shirt and take it off his body, before wrapping your hands around his bare back. Needless to say, the two of you didn't get much time to sleep that night.

You get started on your way again the next day, and around mid-day, you see a milestone telling you that you are entering Iksan. The small town seems a lifetime away from your hectic lives in Seoul, and you spend the day going from shop to shop, buying small trinkets and stuff that are reminiscent of the country life. The residents welcome you with open arms, and more than once, you find an old couple telling you how cute you look together.

"He's a keeper, that one. Don't let him go," a lady says to you, pointing at Chan, who can be seen playing with some kids. "I won't," you smile.

That night, you stay over at a family's house, who were nice enough to allow you to sleep on their futon. You have dinner with them, during which the kid's ask Chan, "Are you two married?," making him choke on his food. "I'm sorry for that, they are learning about families and marriage in school these days," says their mother. "It's all right," you smile, "But no, we aren't married." "But do you plan on getting married soon?," the kids persist.

You and Chan look at each other and smile, before saying in unison, "Yes. One day."

The next morning you take the wheel from Chan, and the both of you drive of in silence, as High School Musical plays on your dashboard screen. After a while, you say, "What is it, Channie? You've been staring at me," "It's just that, you seem way too quiet. You've been like that since last night, after dinner," he replies, "What's the matter? Are you okay?" "I'm fine, just been thinking." "About?" "About us," you begin, elaborating when you see him looking at you expectantly. "When those kids asked us if we were married, it got me thinking.....I love being with you, I love waking up next to you. We live together any way, and share all the burdens that come with it too. So I guess...getting married to you wouldn't be so bad after all," you say softly.

"Is this your way of proposing to me?," giggles your boyfriend. "What? No! I mean, I did say it would be nice to get married, but I don't have a ring right now. And I meant it when I said 'one day,' but it's not today," you hurriedly say. Chan bursts out laughing at this, "I know love, I'm not ready yet either. But yes, if I have to get married, I'd rather marry you than anyone else."

Around noon, you decide to set up camp in a forest clearing. It takes you a few hours to get the tent up and ready, as you keep getting delayed because you can't stop fooling around. Amid Chan getting himself wrapped with the tent instead of unwrapping it, and you assembling the rods the wrong way up, you spend some not-so-productive, but enjoyable quality time in each other's presence, something you didn't know you had been craving for.

Evening rolls by, and you have a light dinner with ramen, some roasted chicken, and beer, following which, you lay down on a picnic mat, with your head on Chan's arm. "The stars look so beautiful, don't they Channie?," you softly ask. "Not as beautiful as you," he says cheesily, making you hide your face into his side. "But yeah, you're right. I really wanted to go stargazing with you, but we never got the time," he sighs. "I'm so happy we came on this trip, love." You open your mouth to speak, but just then, you notice a star shooting across the sky. "Channie! Channie get up, it's a shooting star!," you squeal, before closing your eyes and praying. Once you open them, you notice Chan looking at you with a gaze full of love. "Didn't you wish for something?," you ask. "I did," he smiles. "But what about you? What did you wish for?"

"Come closer Mr. Bang, I'm not about to announce my wish to the whole world," you whisper slyly. He leans in closer to you, only to have you say, "You don't tell others what you wished for," before pressing a sweet kiss to his lips. He smiles into the kiss, before breaking away and hugging you tight.

The next day turns out to be the last before you have to turn back homeward, and so, Chan suggests you make the best of it. "From what I know about the country's geography, we should be close to a beach somewhere here," he says, making you look at him with your eyes shining. "Too bad we're not going to get help from the GPS, but I'm really enjoying the phone detox," you smirk. "Who needs GPS when we've got people? Look there, we're gonna enter a city soon, so let's ask our way around," he replies. An hour and a half later, you come across a milestone that tells you the beach is a mile away. Once there, you look for a deserted spread of sand, keen on not getting stuck in an unnecessary crowd. "We face enough of that in the city, I just want to be alone with you," you whisper, taking his hand in his.

When you finally succeed in finding such a place, Chan giggles, "Good thing I packed our swimming gear as well, right?" "You did well sweetie," you say, booping his nose softly. After getting changed, you spend the next few hours playing in the water. Suddenly, Chan pulls you flush into his chest, and whispers in your ear, "You look so hot wearing that, and with water dripping down your body, I'm really finding it hard to stay away." "Then don't," you say, biting your lip. One thing leads to another, and you're thankful for the changing shack nearby.

By the time the sun starts to set, Chan has pulled you out of the water, and is making you dance with him on the sand, after bringing your phones and portable speaker from the car. Waltzing to the music, you shyly say, "I love you Channie," making him blush and reply with an "I love you too, my cute baby."

After dinner you climb atop the roof of your car, talking about your younger days. "You remember when we got into a huge fight once, back in college? And I was about to break up with you, only to have you whisk me away on a road trip, just like you did this time," you say, laying your head on his shoulder. "It did get you to stick around with me though," he replies, laying his chin on your head. "And you remember how we first met? You spilled your latte all over my T-shirt, and then took me to the infirmary to check for any burns," he reminds you, making you throw your head back in laughter. "You kept whining for a year over how you missed out on being the 'campus heartthrob' because of that incident, when in reality, you still were the most popular freshman," you jab a finger at his chest, smiling.

"Okay, I've got a secret. I wasn't actually sad about the campus heartthrob thing, since I already knew everyone was head over heels for me," he grins, making you punch his arm. "Hey! Let me finish first. I knew everyone loved me, but I only had eyes for you. And whining was just a tactic to get you to feel sorry for me and go on a date with me." You fake gasp at this, exclaiming, "Treachery! And here I thought you were genuinely sulky about that. do you have any idea how guilty I felt that whole year?!" When he simply states at you, unamused, you add through a pout, "I'm planning on revoking your cuddle privileges."

All of a sudden, you realize that Chan is moving over to lay on top of you, trapping you between him and the roof. "You know you can't resist me, babe. So don't even try," he says. "You are right about that," you say, pulling him for a kiss.

You both end up remaining awake till dawn the next day, and decide to start on your journey home around mid-way, after having napped inside the car for a few hours. You get started on your way just after noon, with Chan behind the wheel, and you eating (and feeding him) from a packet of gummy bears in the passenger seat. You re-enter the city you had seen earlier the previous day, and decide to spend some time roaming around. It's a fairly big city, but still much quieter and more peaceful than Seoul. You pass on visiting the mall, reasoning that you do so too frequently back home.

Soon enough though, you come across a store that displays a signboard saying, "Free wine tasting session for couples." You both look at each other, and with a smirk, Chan says what is on your mind. "Can't pass up on sophisticated wine for free now, can we?" You giggle and say, "Nope, absolutely not." And so, in you go. The session proves to be equal parts fun and educational. From the Chardonnay to the Pinot Noir, you go through with the tasting of at least 20 different types of wines. While you actually stick to the literal meaning of the word "tasting," drinking no more than a sip per drink, Chan goes all out, and not too long after, he's totally drunk. "Hey there beautiful, mind telling me your name?," he tries to act smooth with you, making you facepalm as you say, "I still get surprised about how low your alcohol tolerance is for your size," you shake your head.

Once you leave the tasting, half dragging, half carrying a wasted Chan who continuously tries to flirt with you, you decide to take the wheel and hit the road to the outskirts of the city, and cover the remainder of the trip once you're fully sober. When you cross over the city's borders and re-enter the road in the wilderness, you hit the brakes. You let Chan sleep, knowing that waking him up will only give him a hangover. Getting out of the car, you get yourself something to eat from the boot, and once you're full, you snuggle up to him, throwing a blanket over the both of you.

You wake up around nine at night, and as you had predicted, you see Chan holding his head in agony. You nurse him for while, before putting him back to sleep, then continue down the road. You keep sneaking glances at his sleeping form, smiling to yourself when you notice how peaceful he seems, something he hasn't looked like in ages. "We really needed this. Thank you for always knowing what I need, and for always taking care of me. I love you," you thank him silently.

When he finally wakes the next morning, he sees you huddled up in the driver's seat, and he can feel his heart swell with love for you. He gets out of the car, then picks you up and softly places you on the backseat so that you can rest well. Looking at your expression, he can easily see how content and truly happy you are. You are his reason to keep going, and if this little getaway idea of his could help you find your reason to keep going (unbeknownst to him, he himself is your reason to endure too), his heart is at ease. Sure, your week off is going to end soon, but he's positive that you will have rejuvenated yourself and would have gathered enough beautiful memories to last you a while.

Sure, going back to Seoul would mean going back to the hustle and bustle of your lives, but hey, he knows that that you by his side, he'd be ready to run away from home again any day, because his home is with you. But even more than that, he knows that with you by his side, life will be just a tad bit easier. Because you will always be there to remind him of who he was back in college. You will keep the young, carefree boy who loved you to bits, alive in him. And he'll do the same for you. And with that thought, he drives off into the distance, back to where you started from, with a smile on his face.

Because at the end of the day, you both have each other, and that's all that matters.

[the-original-skipps]

Fluffy Alphabet A-Z

Sano Manjiro aka Mikey

Note: Thank you so much for 100+ followers. I wouldn't have been able to get his far without your support. I'm super overjoyed and glad that you guys take the time to read my writing. I love you all very much as promised I hope you enjoy the fluffy alphabet! 💗

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

> Mikey likes to go for rides on his CB205T and he likes to bring you along. He just loves the feeling of the wind passing and your presence behind him. Maybe sharing some snacks while you both watch the sunset or the starry night sky, talking about random things. He just generally likes being around you even if you're both just sitting in silence.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

> He admires your determination and strong will. Since Mikey is mentally weak, he admires those traits in other people. No matter what you'd always be there to scold him or comfort him. It reminds him of his older brother.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

> Mikey instantly knows if you're feeling down, he just senses it. He'll bring you somewhere where they could both be alone maybe a park or he'll drive somewhere and sit you down. Mikey won't force you to tell him what's wrong but if you do he'll be listening intently. He's not the best at comforting people but makes sure to let you know that he's here for you.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

> Now this is a hard topic to answer. Mikey has pictured a future with his s/o, living in peace after all the rush during his teenage years. However, he doesn't see it happening because he knows it's best if he keeps his s/o away from him in the future.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

> I'd say he's both but mostly on the passive side. He lets you take the lead since he doesn't know much about being in a relationship. He'll be given advice and teased by his close friends but he'll keep their words in mind.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

> Mikey is pretty stubborn and doesn't like losing. If it's a petty harmless arguement, if he's wrong then he'll muttering an apology to you and completely forget about it. It's difficult to get into a serious argument with him unless it's something concerning him or Toman. Say the things he needs to hear even if himself doesn't agree with you. Then he'll leave to give himself space and think about things. Be patient with him because eventually he'll come around.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

> Mikey is very grateful for you being by his side even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He appreciates every gesture you do for him from the big things and to the little things such as making him lunch or fixing his hair or just being by his side when he feels he's losing himself.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

> Mikey doesn't hide things, if you ask him something he will directly answer you. He has no trouble talking about a past event since it already happened. Even though he doesn't want you getting involved with Toman, he still tells you about how they're doing or what they're up to. The only things he wouldn't share are his true feelings and his dark impulsivities since he doesn't want to scare you.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

> Just by being by Mikey's side you are a positive influence on him. It will take a long time but little by little he tries to open up about his true feelings and tries to rely on you more. Everytime you sense he's distancing himself, you would have to drag him back and knock some sense into him.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

> Mikey is definitely the type to get jealous easily and his childish tendencies tend to come out. If he sees you getting too friendly with someone he'll keep staring until he's had enough and say "(Y/N) is mine, hmph!" With a cute pout on his face. Be sure to coddle him afterwards because he might give you the silent treatment.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

> Mikey has no experience whatsoever. He has no idea how kisses work. It'll be super rare to get a kiss from Mikey since he's not used to being affectionate. If you're lucky he'll peck you on your cheek or kiss your hands occasionally. Your first kiss with him wasn't planned. Both of you were alone and you were just admiring him as he talked and pressed a light kiss on his lips. He was instantly shocked by what you did as he traces over his lips with his fingers but inside he's feeling all warm. He never knew kisses from you would have this kind of affect on him.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

> It took long time for Mikey to realize that what he felt towards you was more than just friendship. He confessed this to Draken and he replied "huh, obviously you like them you idiot. Hurry up and go tell them." In which Mikey replies by telling Draken to do the same for Emma. It happened when he came to pick you up from school one day on his motorcycle and brought you to the riverside. "I finally understand what I feel, (Y/N). I like you... You don't have to give me an answer right away, I'll wait however long it takes..."

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

> Another hard topic to answer. When Mikey fell for you he fell hard. As much as he wants to spend the rest of his life in peace with you, it won't happen. That is until he goes through "certain changes" and let's say he did. You'll be riding with him on his motorcycle on Christmas until he stops at a certain place. He'll start talking about his past and the times you've spent together. Then talking about how much he appreciates you and thanks you then pops the question. The wedding will be small and privately held with only people close to him and you are invited.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

> It is known that Mikey gives nicknames to those who are close to him. It depends on what your first name is. He'll most likely you use the first syllable of your name plus -chin, -cchi or -chy. Only when he's serious will he use your real name.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

> Honestly, it can be really hard to tell unless you really observe Mikey. You would notice he stares at you longer, or everytime your name pops up in a conversation he's interested. Draken is definitely the first the notice this change in Mikey and teases him for it, while Mikey denys it. The others will slowly start to notice this too. Especially, when he bought an extra taiyaki and gave it to you. Takemichy's jaw dropped at the scene.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

> Mikey won't be announcing to everyone that he has an s/o. However, if someone asks he'll answer honestly. I wouldn't use the word "brag" but he will say nice about you to others. For Mikey, intimate gestures such as kissing are only between the two of you. If someone catches the both of you, Mikey wouldn't be pleased.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

> You wouldn't have to worry about anyone trying to flirt with you or trying to hurt you not when Mikey's around. Mikey cares deeply about you and would give his life to protect you. You wouldn't have to worry about other people trying to flirt with Mikey either since you already have his heart, he'll simple brush them off. He's loyal.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

> As I have mentioned earlier, Mikey has no experience with relationships. You would have to teach him things. Still there will be moments that might seem simple to others but to you, you know it's a way Mikey shows his love for you. For example, draping his jacket over your shoulders or buying an extra snack so you could have some too. If he's not busy with Toman matters, he would want to spend his time with you.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

> Mikey would genuinely support your dreams and passions, telling you to never give up on them. He believes in you with his whole heart, and he knows you would be able to make your goals come true.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

> He would like to try things he never experienced before with you, like taking pictures at the photo booth or going shopping for matching keychains. That being said, what Mikey likes the most is the constant reassurance that you're here for him. Routines like going riding on his motorcycle or just talking with you, it what he like most. He's scared that one day you'd leave him so these mundane routines assures him.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

> You would think Mikey is the forgetful type but he actually pays attention to things. He'll notice you eyeing a certain item in a store or if you're lying to him. He genuinely cares about you and would like to know everything about you, even the shameful parts. Mikey has a hard time with emotions, he may not fully understand your troubles but he'll assure you that he'll be there for you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

> For Mikey to actually want to establish a relationship with someone. It means he sees you as an important person in his life. However, certain things would have to come before you such as his family and Toman. It is something you would have to understand when dating Mikey.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

> Whenever he looks like he's spacing off during Toman meetings while he is paying attention to what's happening his mind can't help but wander towards you. About what you're currently doing or if you're at home safely. Before he starts the engine of his bike, or has nothing to do he fiddles with the keychain on his keys. It's the matching keychain you both have.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

> Mikey is not known to be the most showy when it comes to showing his affections. It's the little things he does for only you, that shows how much he cares about you. Mikey secretly likes the affection you give him even if he denies it. It surprises him everytime you hug him or kiss him but he never stops you or tells you to stop. Just don't do it in front of Toman. Even if he doesn't want to, cuddle him as the big spoon and it'll make him really happy. Since he's so used to keeping a strong facade, cuddling with you gives him the impression that with you maybe he doesn't have to do that.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

> Mikey will still act as the strong charismatic leader of Toman, where nothing fazes him. He won't outwardly show that he misses you but you can tell by the way he fiddles with his matching keychain or stares off into the distance that he misses you. He might even unconsciously blurt a quiet "I miss (Y/N)...."

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

> Mikey is willing to give his life away to protect you. Just you being with him is dangerous enough who knows who might be out to get him and easiest way they can do that is by getting you. If your safely is at risk even he likes you he would have to break up with you, keep you away from the danger. Because he utmostly cares about your well being and if anything happens to you, it will destroy him.

[ladydaemon]

SICK DAYS

kaz brekker x female! reader

A/N: Yes, I realize how cliché and very non-Kaz this is. I tried my best guys, but I am in the mood for fluff and only fluff so yeah.

Summary: After a night in the rain, Y/N has a cold and it's up to Kaz to take care of her, a difficult task indeed.

Warnings: swearing, really horrible writing, not proofread writing, just me spitting out Words™ at three in the morning

Dangerous assassins do not need sick days.

It was an extremely hypocritical thought, and Y/N knew it. She thought the thought anyway, because at this point, there seemed to be no aspect in her life that was not fueled entirely by spite.

"Please, for the love of the Saints, go to sleep, Y/N," Inej begged, forcing the woman back onto the bed. "You are sick. You need rest."

"I do not need rest, I need caffeine and waffles," the wheezing woman replied stubbornly, trying to get past Inej, who was blocking the doorway of her room. The Slat, usually thundering with noise and chatter, was silent as the grave - it was one of the rare days in Ketterdam where it was sunny, and everyone was either out enjoying the weather or enjoying pickpocketing someone who was enjoying the weather. "I am a grown-ass woman who also happens to be very good at using the bang-bang machines we call guns so please move aside, I need fresh air."

It was arguably entirely Y/N's fault that she was stuck inside in the first place - first, she had stayed out in the rain too long, despite Kaz's numerous protests. Second, she had, in a grave act of stupidity, gone down for breakfast the next morning. Normally, this would not have been a problem. However, on this particular day, her eyes were red and swollen and itchy and her lungs hurt and it was generally very obvious that she had a cold.

These were the deciding factors which led to her ultimate demise:

House arrest.

Though the fact that she was notorious for her spontaneous, impulsive, reckless, throw-caution-to-the-wind nature (along with the fact that Kaz, from multiple bad experiences he would rather not repeat, knew that she had nearly no self-preservation skills) probably had something to with it.

Also she apparently needed a chaperone. Which was probably a good idea, but Y/N wasn't about to admit that anytime soon.

"You are seventeen and you have a window, darling," the smooth voice of one Kaz Brekker, the devil himself, interrupted Y/N's feeble excuse of an escape.

"But Kaz," Y/N whined, pouting. Inej gave the man an exasperated look as if to say, See what I've been dealing with?

"Darling, you'll only have to stay here longer if you don't try and get better."

"Still."

Kaz, lips twitching in a very non-Kaz way, turned to Inej. "You can go. I suppose I'll play nursemaid."

The Wraith chucked darkly, already stepping out Y/N's window. "Good luck with that."

As soon as she had climbed out the room and was well out of earshot, Kaz turned on his heel and walked out. Y/N, thoroughly confused, took a second to contemplate whether this act was meant that she was officially free, or that she was supposed to follow him. Her question was answered a moment later when he called out, not sparing her a backwards glance, "Are you coming?"

She sighed dejectedly, following him up the stairs to hid room. With a flamboyant and smug bow, he opened the door for her. "Ladies first."

She rolled her eyes at him but entered the room nonetheless. Kaz closed the door behind him and strode heavily to his desk, taking the time to shuffle and order some papers. Y/N stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure as to what in the hell she was supposed to do. Kaz flicked his eyes up to her and jerked his head towards the black-sheeted bed that occupied almost a fourth of the room.

She stared at it for a moment. "You want me to sleep. On your bed. While you watch." It came out more an incredulous statement than a question.

"Sorry to break it to you, but I can't devote all my time to taking care of you, and I also can't leave you alone unsupervised while ill. This is our compromise," Kaz explained somewhat impatiently.

"I am not going to get in that crusty-ass bed, that, in case you have forgotten, belongs to my boss, AKA you. For all I know you sleep nude."

One of Kaz's eyebrows twitched. "The sheets were changed this morning. And for the record, I don't."

"Still not going to do it. That takes the creepy-o-meter to like, a thousand."

"You're a criminal who spies on brothels. This is nothing."

"Still not doing it. This feels fundamentally wrong."

"I'll buy you a nice dagger if you just shut up and get in the damn bed." Saints, he was already exasperated, and he had barely been here five minutes. A new respect for Inej found its way into his being.

Y/N went quiet for a minute, considering. "One of the serrated ones with the fancy gilded handles?"

"Whatever dagger your heart desires."

"Two daggers and a gun."

"One dagger and a gun."

"Deal," Y/N decided, plopping down on the bed. It still felt wrong, but she did need a new dagger - Wylan had blown hers up in a previous job.

She carefully peeled the pristine sheets and blankets away from the mattress, half expecting a dozen poisonous things to pop out. The only thing it released was the strangely comforting smell of wood oil and ink (and a bit of gunpowder, but this was Kaz Brekker we're talking about).

Y/N slipped beneath the covers, her head resting comfortably on the cloud-like pillows.

I bet this bitch sleeps like a baby every night.

"I can still beat your ass, Brekker," she mumbled. Yeah, she was sick, but she also had a reputation to uphold.

"On a regular day, I have no doubt about it. Currently, you are prohibited from doing anything that isn't sleeping, peeing, or contemplating life. Doctor's orders."

"Well, I'm going to go pee then. More freedom." She attempted to stand up from the surprisingly soft bed but the in the second it took for her to try and stand, Kaz, moving surprisingly quickly for a man with a cane, pinned her to the bed by her shoulders with an exasperated sigh.

"Just stay still. Please," he breathed.

"Get me a sweet bun and maybe," she breathed back, but didn't move. Despite her almost child-like demeanor, she was one of the original Dregs, here as a child even before Kaz. He had been the only one her age when he had joined, so naturally, she had befriended him (well, as much as you can befriend Kaz Brekker). She knew about his phobia of touch, and how much it meant that he was touching her, even with his gloves on.

Kaz released her with a sigh and stalked over to his desk where he rummaged around for a bit until he produced a small tin that looked abut as old as he was. He tossed it at her and she grabbed it, opening it to see some biscuits that looked as hard as rocks. "That's all I have, and all you're going get. Don't break a tooth."

Y/N sighed, staring at the biscuits mournfully before taking one out of the tin and gnawing on it. It would have been easier to bite on the barrel of one of Jesper's guns. "You're mean."

"You're acting like a petulant child."

Y/N made a disgruntled noise from the back of her throat, sinking back into the silk pillows and wrapping the blankets tighter around her. She had made no visible mark on the cookie, and had only succeeded in covering it with slobber. She put it back in the tin and noticed Kaz wrinkle his nose at her.

She doubted the biscuits would ever see the light of day again.

She watched Kaz do his paperwork, a surprisingly interesting thing to do. He had taken off his hat and jacket, and rolled up his sleeves. He even took his gloves off, preferring to use a pen without the ridiculous slipperiness of the leather. The papers shuffled in a soothing rhythm, and soon, Y/N began to feel less cooped up and a bit more relaxed.

Ever since she had been taken away from her family and thrown onto the tiny slaving ship, Y/N had always had a touch of claustrophobia (well, it was a bit more than a touch, but she wasn't willing to admit that just yet). The tiny room with a mattress on the flooor was really just a decoration at this point - she slept on the roof most nights and every waking hour was in Ketterdam, simply walking if there were no pockets to be picked.

Drowsily, she watched as Kaz scratched something out on paper, his face creasing ever so slightly. The pen made a nice sound, she found, and paired with the strangely calming scent of his room and the rustling of papers, it made her feel almost like it was rainy day, the kind where you curled up by the fire and read a book or cuddled with someone.

"I doubt staring at my face will help you fall asleep, love," Kaz noted without looking up from his work.

"Your face is the most interesting thing here."

For the barest fraction of a second, Kaz looked like he had short-circuited. The moment was gone as soon as it came, however, and he simply raised an eyebrow at her. "You're very immature sometimes."

"Thanks!" Y/N said cheerfully. "It was the trauma."

"Trauma hardens people, it doesn't make them softer," Kaz dismissed.

"I agree wholeheartedly. However, there's a difference between an excellent mask and incompetence," she replied. "Now come over here and show what's bothering you, I can see it on your face."

Kaz looked up at her, noting the fact that she probably wouldn't shut up unless he did as she asked. He rolled his eyes, hobbling over to the bed. As he sat, she could feel his weight pushing the mattress down.

Before he could say a word, she snatched the paper in his hands and began scanning it. "What's wrong with it?"

"The numbers don't add up."

She stared at the document for another second, then back up at Kaz. "Who are you and what have you done with Kaz Brekker?"

He blinked at her.

"You forgot to carry the one. The numbers don't add up because you... well, added them wrong," she explained softly. She looked up at him, concern crossing her features. "Do you need a nap?"

Kaz huffed out a breath. "I'm fine. You're just distracting me, that's all."

"We're going to ignore the fact that you think I'm distracting and instead focus on the fact that you have not slept in several days."

Kaz's nostrils flared slightly in indignation. Before he could speak, however, Y/N cut him off. "Kaz, I have known you since I was eleven. I'm also not fucking blind. Yes, I know you are essentially running a mafia at age seventeen. Yes, I know you are under pressure. Yes, I know there is at any given moment a bounty on your head. Yes, I know I am sick and it is technically your job to take care of me. But can we please just make a deal or a truce or something in which you get some fucking rest?"

Kaz was quiet for a moment before the corner of his mouth twitched. "Always the mother hen for everyone except yourself."

She was startled into a laugh. "What can I saw, I was a born hypocrite."

Kaz did end up getting a couple hours of sleep, even if it was at Y/N's insistence.

However, he almost regretted it when Jesper barged in and, with a gleeful cackle, found them both sleeping in the same bed with one of his legs pressed up against hers - Kaz's version of flat-out cuddling.

Almost.