#i'd rather keep you in my heart than in my debt too much love to just forget......ohhhb god

[sophaeros]

if you want to give yourself the emotional equivalent of a knife to the gut tonight listen to fab's band machinegum's 2019 album conduit while thinking about the strokes

[thearcadeattendant]

✧ Sugar Daddy William Afton ✧

Do you ever get a little thought in the back of your head that wont go away until you write it down? Yeah, that's sugar daddy William. He's just living rent free in the back of my mind. If I have to suffer, so do you. Thought I'd do a little blurb this time to go with it cause why not. A few headcanons below the cut.

When you started working for him you were just a broke college grad struggling to make ends meat. "Go to college," they said. "Get a degree," they said. They left out the tiny little tidbit about being left in debt by said degree that by the end of your little journey you had no intention on ever going near again. Sure, college had killed your love of your initial chosen path (if you could call it chosen. I'd say more peer pressured.) but it had ignited in you a deep seated love that would last years to come.

A love for cheap pizza.

And Freddy's? Well, it was cheap as hell and seemed to always be hiring. Both being things that you very much needed in your time of need.

William noticed your struggles pretty early on. Or rather, he noticed you. The way you seemed almost desperate to keep the job, correcting even the smallest errors you made with a vigor and eagerness he hadn't seen for a long time. It was almost cute in a way. The way your hands would nervously fumble about and the way you looked at him almost like you were desperate for his professional approval.

At least, in his eyes.

You were more afraid he would fire you on the spot for a simple mistake. His reputation was less than ideal. So it was quite the surprise to you when his gaze began to almost soften and his interest in you became apparent. At first, you assumed it was out of pity but even your tired sleep deprived mind could connect the dots after the third or fourth time you caught his eyes drifting to your body.

The initial confrontation made your heart race in the worst of ways. He was your employer. If someone found out or if he ever grew tired of you your days of cheap pizza and reliable paychecks would be snuffed out in a flash. He assured you no one would and even if you went your separate ways he was professional enough to not let it come between you and your job.

While you had doubts in the beginning, he eased you in to the dynamic. It wasn't anything too demanding at first and it was anything but sexual though you could tell it was what he wanted. Despite his reputation he was rather kind. Patient. Maybe he genuinely cared and wanted this or maybe he was just desperate and tired of being alone. You couldn't tell.

It started small at first. He'd overhear you talking with a coworker about how little money you had for things you enjoyed or for food other than cheap pizza and ramen and the next day you'd find money tucked in your things. It then grew to so much more.

Though you're William's little secret he can't help but shower you in his hidden affection. Particularly in the form of some form of jewelry always on display. It's small, something too huge would blow your cover, but it's enough to make a statement to both of you as to who you belong with.

At first, you feared that your late nights at work would be noticed by your coworkers. Your stomach churning each time when you'd say goodnight to them. But each and every night they would flash you a sympathetic look. After all, who would willingly spend more time there than need be? And with William Afton? Word around the pizzeria wasn't of some sordid affair but of your mistakes and William's increasingly relentless behavior. To them, you spent your nights cleaning the eternally sticky film off individual plastic balls from the pit. Little did they know just how much of the night you spent comfortably sitting in your boss' lap.

While not all of it was sexual, when it became a touch more heated William enjoyed shameless displays of affection in his office. To him, the moment that door was closed you two were in your own world. It made your nerves eternally on edge at the thought of someone walking in while it did nothing but fuel William's own arousal. Hell, a part of him hoped that one day someone would see his pretty little pet coming undone on his desk.

But nothing drove him quite as wild as the thought of you comfortably warming his cock as he struggled to focus on the paperwork before him. It was both a torture and a reward and, at times, a constant battle for dominance. A well timed clench or squirm could make his fingers tighten around his fountain pen or, if you were particularly ruthless, make his fingers slide across wet ink dying them a deep purple blue. But, a grind of hips and a grip on your waist could send you mewling just as quick. There were days where he would give up the fight and let you ride your way to victory but often you found yourself pinned to his lap with no hope of release until he himself deemed it time. If he even did. You could remember at least a handful of times where he simply made you stand with a quick pat of your side only to see him readjusting himself with that damn grin. He'd pat your ass and shoo you away leaving you wanting.

[necros-writing-stuff]

What would it take do you think for Bailey to get possessive of a super submissive PC? I'm such a simp for this bastard but I doubt my poor simping heart will ever be satisfied. Their only love is money. I'm fine with any gender for PC although I personally prefer male!Bailey. I'd make an Eden request but everyone already knows how he will react to a submissive PC lmao.

I think Bailey would appreciate a submissive PC much more than a defiant one - and that's mostly to do with how the game goes. All NPCs enjoy submissive, the game feels tailored towards it. It's much easier to keep your virginities if you grind hand/oral rather than fight back.

With Bailey, I think it comes from a need to be in control, similarly to Eden, but Bailey wants a more independent s/o. Apart from when it comes to finances. He'd want a joint bank account so he can handle the money. That's his only big "traditional" thing. Otherwise, he likes his space and for you to be your own person.

Despite the independence, he expects you to submit when he asks. He doesn't like your job? You have to get a new one. He thinks you're staying out too late? You'll be home when he tells you to.

As for what would get him to that point? To get his attention, and be special, it would start with paying him more money than the others. I mean more than just yours and Robin's debt. Then you have to show loyalty. By that, I mean you getting dirt on him and never talking.

For example, if he has to go up in the loft, and you can see how uneasy he gets. How his breath speeds up and his hands clasp in nervousness. And you don't make fun of him. Don't mention it, just keep going as if nothings wrong, but sit in his office for a bit after to make sure he's okay. Just don't say that's what you're doing, because he'll kick you out and avoid you after, while denying that he was afraid.

Keep being a rock for him to lean on, and eventually he'll crack. He's the kinda guy to realise he's fallen after you do something completely mundane, like handing him his clothes after picking them up from the dry cleaners. Bailey will be terrified of it. You're a weakness now. He won't treat you any differently, not at first.

But eventually he'll change. Little things at a time, until he can't stand you being just another brat under his care. No, you have to be something more. Have to be his partner in crime. You won't know everything, not ever. He may favour you, but Bailey will never truly trust.

[ratherbefangirling]

🎭the truth untold🎭

Pairing : Namjoon x Reader

Genre : Mafia AU, Spy AU, Soft Yandere, Angst, Drama, Romance

Synopsis : You discover your old best friend is now the head of the most dangerous mafia in the country. You go in to avenge your brother's death but things are more complicated than they seem.

Masterlist

Part 6

Previous/ Next

Maybe it was because you had been outside for the first time in a long while or maybe the food infront of you was the best you'd ever had.

You could tell Namjoon had not spared any expenses to make it up to you.

"Eat some more." Namjoon says.

"It's been a while." You tell him, and its true your portion size has reduced. The food is rich and since you've been surviving on rations it's a bit too much.

It's nice to sit next to Namjoon and eat and while can almost pretend it's before, the before where you didn't doubt every word he's spoken.

"Do you want to go shopping?" He asks

"I'd like that, but Joon can I call my mom and sister once? I'd told them I'd keep in touch I won't say anything let me tell them I'm ok." You request placing your hand on top of his.

He nods and makes a guard give you their phone.

You call up your mother and tell her you're enjoying your day off that today is a good day how you had the nicest breakfast.

"When.. Will you be back?" Your mother asks.

"When it's really ok." You reply.

Next you call your sister. As you anticipated your sister tells you to talk to Taehyung after she's done asking your whereabouts. You tell her to tell him you're ok.

As Taehyung gets to know he will inform the agency and second part of the operation 'microcosmos' will commence. The base strengthening.

Infiltration phase now complete

Namjoon let's you roam in the underwhelming shops. He knows he can't spend his money on you to his hearts content now. You wouldn't accept it and his excuse wasn't ready right now.

Patience. He told himself as he watched you buy cheap clothes from the mart rather than from branded shops or boutiques.

His beautiful doll should not be dressed I'm rags. Alas if he turned on the temperature to quick she'd run and he didn't want that. He couldn't bear it if she disliked him.

She had to love him.

Joon even got you a phone. The latest model. In your favourite color.

"Thank you." You say.

For now it isn't of much use though because neither do you have Internet nor a sim card.

You leave the store together your eyes landing on the McD ice cream.

Namjoon notices your gaze.

"Want some ice cream?"

You're hesitant, you don't want to be in his debt more than you already are.. but ice-cream makes you give in.

"Um yes please."

And you're both eating the cheapest soft swirl but it makes you feel better.

He notices your relaxed aura and it helps Namjoon feel better. Of course, he's the only one who can make you forget all your problems.

But like all nice things, the calm atmosphere was short lived.

You were putting the shopping bags into the back of the car when Namjoon suddenly moved you.

You were about to tell him off when you saw the the blood dripping of his sleeve. His face was barely concealing his tremors.

"Inside the car. Now." You helped him in. One of the body guard took the wheels to drive you.

You took the scarf and tied it around his scar. A bullet had grazed his shoulder.

Every drop that trickled put you into more frenzy.

The sickening you felt in your stomach realising he'd taken the bullet for you made you want to vomit.

"Are you okay? Just be okay. I can't... you can't leave me alone.. I'll really hate you this time... please." And your tears were escaping without permission.

"It's okay it's not the first time... rather me than you." He tells you but his voice has lowered so that you have strain to hear it.

"How long?" You ask the driver.

"In five minutes. Madam." He answers.

--its okay you can do five minutes--

You never knew five minutes can be so long.

The car stops by a stretcher. The men put Namjoon on the stretcher and take him inside you accompany him, hand still in his.

Until you see Seokjin ready to perform surgery you finally disengage.

A nurse comes up to you. She gives you a warm wet towel. It is then you note how you're stained with blood.

Other than that nobody pays any attention to you.

Jin comes out after a while. You straighten up.

"He's fine, he was lucky the bullet didn't touch any nerve or he'd loose functioning of his hand. He will stay off work till he recovers. Are you hurt in any way?"

"I'm.. it was meant for me." You confess.

Understanding dawns on Jin.

"He will be up in an hour or so. He will want to see you.. so you should go and change. If you got any injuries tell me.okay?" He tells you.

You wash the scarf first. They had it removed first thing. Not that it was able to cover Namjoon's thick biceps properly.

You watch the blood drain down but still some spots remain.

Next you strip down and take a bath in the hottest water available.

You had taken the clothes from the car though it unsettled you to wear them. It could not be helped unless you wanted to parade around naked.

You take your time getting ready knowing waiting for him to wake up would drive you crazy.

You wait for him to wake up.

You loose count of time and almost nod off to sleep.

"Y/n.. wake up he's asking for you." You are alert in an instant.

"Yes I'm up." You say.

Jin takes you to Namjoon's ward. It's a very pretty place for a hospital ward.

You can see the sling which helps keep weight if his injured hand.

You're reluctant to go close to him.

"Come here baby." He says.

You go and stand next to him.

"Sit." He says. You place yourself on the bed.

He feels pleased.

"Does it hurt too much?" You ask.

"Not when you're here." He replies.

And despite the seriousness of the situation you find yourself blushing.

"I will leave." Seokjin says reminding the two of his existence.

"Thanks hyung." Namjoon says.

"Just stay safe." Jin says.

You look down on your lap feeling guilty.

And if that wasn't enough you're stomach growls. You want to dig a hole and disappear.

Joon presses the nurse button.

"Food." He says.

The nurse nods.

She comes back with food in record time.

"Leave." Namjoon tells her.

It's quiet for a while.

"Feed me." Namjoon tells you.

"Me?" You ask.

"I mean can't you do that after I've taken a bullet for you."

"I .. I didn't mean that." You say.

You help him eat also taking some bites for yourself. Until the food is over.

Again the nurse comes to remove the food.

"I'm cold." Namjoon says.

"Let me get the AC remote." You tell and proceed to move.

"No."

"No?"

"Hug me."

"But your hand." You say.

"Only one side is injured." He says matter of factly.

When you lie by his side you are aware of every movement but soon his warmth and your tiredness take over and you snuggle Into the warm body of your ex best friend the man that has taken a bullet to save you.

You had a school picnic to an amusement park. You were so excited for it. It had been a while since you went to one. Today was an extra special day. You had decided to confess to your best friend.

As usual Joon had saved place for you on the bus. You smiled as you caught his eyes.

"Y/n do you know how hard it is... you shouldn't be so late?"

You wouldn't be if you didn't have to check yourself in the mirror one last time to see if everything was perfect.

The bus started. Namjoon plugged in his headphones and was lost to the world. You enjoyed the games the rest of your classmates were playing.

After a while you plucked one of the earphone and put it on your ear. Resting your head on Joons shoulder.

Before you realised you had fallen asleep.

"You've got drool." Joon says passing you tissues and you want to hide yourself.

"Sorry!!" You say.

"It's no big deal. Let's go." He says.

The whole day is spent alternating between rides and eating. By the end you've screamed enough to hurt your vocal cords. The necklace Namjoon had won for you has hurt your neck but you can't bring yourself to remove it. Love was pain after all.

Namjoon brings you warm tea to soothe your throat. He comes to you. Teas in hand and sits next to you before passing one.

"You ok." He asks.

You nod. The sun is setting to be honest you wanted to sit on the ferris wheel and confess. But in reality you were tired and just wanted to go back home and the line was too long for it to be actually enjoyable. You realise now is a good time as any. You turn to Joon and you're struck by how good your best friend looks.

"I love you Joon." You say without preamble.

"Me too baby." And your heart flutters with his deep hoarse voice.

"No seriously I'm in love with you joonie." You say.

He stills for a moment. You wonder if you made a mistake. Then suddenly he pecks your lips. Then realising what he's done he shyly looks away mistakenly dropping his tea.

You laugh feeling over the moon. He looks at you and laughs along. And what if this wasn't a scene out of a movie and that the sun had already gone down by the time you got on the ferris wheel and so what that the sky was devoid of the moon. Nothing mattered when your universe was right in front of you.

The following weeks you spent playing nurse. While a more sane part of you was aware that this, whatever relationship existed between you and Namjoon was not right. A bigger part of you welcomed the opportunity to be with your best friend. It was strangely relieving to be taking care of someone. You didn't realise how used to taking care of people you'd become.

You might not want to admit it even moving in to Yoongi's place was because you wanted to feel needed in your sisters life while it did cause you to burnout, the control had become an addiction.

Even now you felt better having Namjoon at your mercy. Having his fingers reach out to you. The harsh grip he held towards you. You basked in it. It was difficult to deny. So much that you started to worry when his hand started healing.

Luckily Namjoon had permitted you to use your phone on occasion. You had even got to update the fanfiction you were writing.

"What's the story?" Namjoon had asked his chin resting on the crook of your neck.

"It's about two best friends, one goes missing so the other is on the way of finding them and learning the different sides of their best friend."

Namjoon has hummed thoughtfully.

You waited in the room as Namjoon got an all clear from Jin. His bandages were removed while his skin wasn't perfectly smooth yet and a bit sickly at the site of injury he had healed.

"It's physiotherapy for a month atleast." Jin informs Namjoon. "And don't think you're normal because you got your bandages off. Don't overwork yourself."

"Ok Hyung. Its fine because I have y/n with me." Namjoon says happily.

There is a knock on the door.

"Come in." Namjoon says.

The door opens to reveal Jhope.

"How's the hand RM." Hoseok asks.

"In a month I will be back to being the best fighter of Bangtan. Have fun while you're it."

"Your battles are the mental ones boss. Anyhow we need to discuss something."

"What is it?" RM asks.

Hoseok looks at you. Namjoon almost rolls his eyes.

"Say it." He commands.

"The Choi's are having a coming of the age party for their son. You might want to drop a gift."

"Choi's is it. Don't worry this time I'm personally going to drop a gift." He says. "Y/n you want to go to a party."

You nod. Its not like you could deny.

"But RM."

"I thought I was your boss not the other way around."

JHope quietens. Knowing it was best not to question RM.

"Is it worth attending?" You ask.

"Baby I promise you it's going to be fun."

"Okay but get better first." You nag.

Namjoon just laughs in response surprising Jhope. Jin on the other hand is unfazed being used to the side of RM you bring forth.

And for the first time the mansion feels like home to Namjoon because finally he has someone rooting for him.

Taglist: @sweetwolfcupcake @scuzmunkie

Previous / Next

The flashback was kinda cute ngl 🤧😳 ... it was a good spur of the moment thinking. Anyhow how did you think this chapter was.. let me know!

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from Oliver & Company

Now, it's always once upon a time in New York City.

It's a big old bad old tough old town.

Let me have one, please.

Right away, you're making time and making friends

If they pick you out, you're on your way.

Get out there and go and try.

Why does nightfall find you feelin' so alone?

Dreaming is still how the strong survive

Keep your dream alive.

Got to look out and open your eyes,

You're in the fast lane

What's the matter with you? I said get outta here.

I don't eat cats. It's too much fur.

I've been watching you, and I think you're in serious need of some professional guidance.

I'm an expert at these things.

All you gotta do is learn some moves.

This city's got a beat.

When are we gonna get those hot dogs?

I hate to break it to ya, but the dynamic duo is now the dynamic uno.

Our partnership is herewith dissolved.

You're not being fair!

Fairs are for tourists, kid.

Consider it a free lesson in street savoir faire

Hey, wait! I helped you get those! Half of those are mine!

Why should I worry? Why should I care?

I got street savoir faire

You can wear the crown!

Everything goes.

Everything fits.

They love me at the Chelsea, they adore me at the Ritz!

Stop that racket! I'm trying to watch this show.

Shut up, you little rodent.

Come on, let's watch some boxing. I wanna see some action

You think this place is big enough?

What we need is some good quality stuff

Oh, shredded leather.

You insulted my pride! That means death!

It was your turn to get the food today!

You remain our preeminent benefactor.

It was tough. Only I could have done it.

I love a story with food in it.

Enter the opposition.

Gang war! Gang war! Watch out! Here comes a gang war!

Take cover!

It's just a cat.

I followed this dog.

He's lying! He's lying! He's lying! He's lying!

Oh, boy! Dog pile!

Don't let me down!

What do you got?

Let's see what you got.

I was just on my way out.

Actually, I've got something much better than money.

Some luxury items that should make a considerable dent in my debt to you.

Oh, my! You waxed your car, didn't you? Did they use the buffer on it, because I can see myself.

I don't think you grasp the severity of the situation.

Now, I lent you money and I don't see it.

People like you get hurt.

I can't figure out why you'd rather hang around a dump like this when you could be living uptown with a class act like myself.

Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?

You bad, man.

Hey, you got something to say to me, fat boy?

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Oh, I'm having a bad day!

I like cats. I like to eat 'em.

Your master's calling.

Come on and say it to my face!

How am I ever gonna come up with all that money?

It's hopeless.

That took a lot of guts.

All right. Time for bed. We've got a big day tomorrow.

We've got two days to do or die.

You got a lot to learn. And if you don't learn, you don't eat!

But if you're tough, and always use your head, you'll be right at home, on the street.

When you got talent, everything is free.

You're gonna see how the best survive.

These are streets of gold.

You'll take the town, and you'll take it with style.

You're in charge of electronics.

Hey, but what about me? What do I do?

Ready? Go!

What have I done? Poor thing.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Run along, little fellow. Go on, now. Shoo.

Be a lookout.

I only got one more wire, okay?

Oh, you poor kitty. Here. Let me help you.

Where's the kid?

We can't just take in a stray off the street.

Don't worry, kitty. I'll take care of you.

Your public awaits.

Girl, we've got work to do

Pass me the paint and glue.

Perfect isn't easy

When one knows the world is watching, one does what one must.

See how the breeding shows

Sometimes it's too much for even me!

But when all the world says "Yes", then, who am I to say "no"?

Don't ask a mutt to strut like a showgirl

Perfection becomes me, ne c'est pas?

I'm beauty unleashed!

So classic and classy

They're barking up the wrong tree!

I have your hearts, and you have my pity

Pretty is nice, but still it's just pretty!

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

What is the meaning of this?

I guess I'll have to handle this myself.

And do you have any idea whose home this is?

Isn't he cute?

What in Heaven's name are we waiting for?

Alas, our beleaguered benefactor bearing the brunt of our futile endeavours.

Cool it!

Our mission begins at daybreak.

I don't hear any practicing.

Oh, you wanna practice too!

We two can be good company.

You and me, just wait and see.

I'll handle that ruffian.

Body slam! Body slam! Oh, come on, you fool! Hit him! Hit him!

Come back here!

Huh, this place looks pretty nice. I mean, how bad off could it be here?

Chagall. Matisse. These are all masterpieces.

Hey, man, if this is torture, chain me to the wall.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Don't come any closer! I knew this would happen one day.

It's not you I'm after.

Not good enough for you?

I mean, do you even know who I am?

GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU LITTLE BUG-EYED CREEP!

Something's not quite right here.

Shh. Quick. Before he comes back. Follow me.

I mean, let's just forget the whole thing.

No, no, you can't do that! You don't understand. The poor dear's so traumatized.

What is going on here?

Hurry. Use the fire escape.

Ooh, I could've danced all night! I could've danced all night!

You were very good.

I was rather good, wasn't I?

You okay, kid?

I have another home now. And someone who loves me.

You're in the gang.

I just wanna go back.

You wanna leave? Fine! There's the door.

You lighten up!

Oh, it's hopeless.

Looks like you're doing all right for yourself

So that's where you've been!

Feel it. That's it. Very good.

This is an airtight plan

I'll even toss in a little extra for your patience.

It's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

I said, push!

No, you don't kill 'im yet.

Did we bring something green and wrinkly to make me happy?

I'm getting your money tonight! It's coming tonight!

Hey, I think there's hope for you yet.

Yeah, you're starting to think big.

It's creepy down here.

I drew a perfectly good map.

A child could read that map.

I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was framed!

This is a tough neighborhood. You'd better go home.

I came to find my kitty.

You brought a piggy bank.

What kind of a person would steal a poor little kitty?

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

I found a little lost kitten.

No! No, wait! You can't do this!

Keep your mouth shut.

Stop! Stop! Time out!

There's gotta be some way in.

Peasants.

Well, it's nice to see that one of you has some manners.

After you, my little croissant

And remember, quiet.

Oh! I broke a nail.

Oh, balderdash.

Freeze!

I don't think you really appreciate the situation. Somebody could get hurt.

You smell that?

It's party time!

Where are those dogs?

I thought I'd never see you again.

What's the occasion? Come to rescue your little friend?

All right! What a woman!

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go

This has all been very entertaining. But the party is over.

Hey, man, you're ugly!

Aah! Save me!

Hey, get off my back, woman! I'm driving!

All right, anybody want some cake?

Murder him! Twist his arm!

The gifts were great.

We'll start with a bath.

You know, you're not so bad for a bug-eyed little creep.

You come back here this minute!

Tell me why should I care

What a delightful scoundrel.

[your-ace-cousin-clover]

okay soooo... sorry for the delayed reply, i've been kinda busy!

i gotta start this off by saying how much i loved the way you wrote "[...] that feeling of wanting to reach divinity and holiness with your writing. The raw, exposed nerve of that writing." - it's hard for me to refer to writing as a hobby because it's such a substantial part of me, if that makes sense? or maybe that's just my codependent relationship to writing... whenever i don't write for a while i start feeling like a non-person! (ok, in hindsight this doesn't sound 100% related to the holiness bit, but that's what sparked the train of thought)

on for colored girls who have considered suicide - when the rainbow is enuf: i actually listened to a monologue from this a while ago on youtube, but I'll be sure to check out the full text!

also, on the topic of spoken-word & slam poetry: i'm going to a poetry reading at a friend's place later this month and it's nerve-racking. i mean, hey, of course i bleed into my poetry, and in theory i'm cool with that. but reading it aloud to a room half full of strangers? that's like lying on an operating table, flesh sliced open with surgeons over you. (i'm sure it'll be fun, though)

i've read primer for small weird loves and wishbone (because they're both included in richard siken's book crush - which is definitely worth the money (& btw, he has a new book coming out this year in fall/winter; thought i'd tell you in case you didn't know))! out of the two i like wishbone a lot more - although that's probably just because i relate to it a little bit more. i like making lists so i've compiled some of my favorite parts from the poem:

• "I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons [...]"

• "Let's not talk about it, let's just not talk."

• "[...] we keep doing it Henry, we keep saying until we get it right... [...]"

• "If you love me, Henry, you don't love me in a way I understand."

• "This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard, and make a wish."

it's crazy (well, not really, but you know) that you mentioned jericho brown, because we read something by him in english class a few years back and he's completely slipped my mind since then! so, thanks for reminding me :)

first of all, i love how duplex starts and ends with the same line - and this may be a reach, but it feels sort of like coming home? he introduces us to the line, we go away for a while, then we're back at the beginning. and maybe i just feel this way because for me going home is synonymous with going back home. (not always, but a lot of the time.) also, the contrast of "none of the beaten end up how we began" & the poem ending exactly how it began? i don't have the right words to explain what, but there's something that grabs me in that.

now, let's take a short detour because i feel like dropping some recs. here's two poets whose work i really enjoy: chen chen and jasmine ledesma (who i think is on tumblr, too? @/candiedspit if i'm not wrong). i'd specifically like to recommend (and hopefully hear you opinion on) chen chen's i'm not a religious person but & jasmine ledesma's short stories no candy, sorry and FIEND.

links (just in case the previous ones don't work):

i'm not a religious person but: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/58152/im-not-a-religious-person-but

no candy, sorry: https://tinyletter.com/jasmineledesma/letters/no-candy-sorry

FIEND: https://marchharemag.com/fiend

lastly, thanks for the prompt! i'll be sending you the poem in a separate ask (although i'm convinced it only makes sense if you're me) as to not make this one too long haha

-cat

Cat!

Sorry on the delayed reply on my side too. I've been sorta busy with a lot of stuff, but I had to drop in a message.

First of all, the poem? Iconic. It is so well written!!! Ahh! The way you use the numbers to count down all the things in a list sort of a format . And the splendid use of a clock ticking to signify the time coming closer and closer. It reminds of the Doomsday Clock which always reminds us that we are two minutes to complete destruction and in a way it is an inevitable destruction. "I'm one drink away from holiness and I'm not stopping" is such a vivid Ginsberg line that ahhh, it hits with the concept of the Beat Generation being these drunk, high poets who ultimately want to experience divinity through their intoxication and writing. And the ending with, "it's almost Valentine's- please tell your wretched heart I'm sorry." AGHH, the way the narrator tries to stop the inevitability of the sadness of romance?? Or being stuck in a relationship and trying to do better? The interpretations are left wide open and I love that.

[Let me know if you'd be okay with me sharing your poem? And oh, if you like to send me another prompt, I would love that.]

And I wanted to give you some advice on slam poetry performances, I have a bit of an experience with them. The surgical metaphor is indeed apt, there is some vulnerable to stand in front of a group of people to carve out yourself into words and see it take on a meaning for everyone differently. But, revel in that vulnerable state and see how that conveys meaning. Focus on a spot in the room and speak to it and let meaning take its own hold. And remember, even if you don't get the reception you are hoping for, hold onto the meaning that you initially wrote it with. How your poetry affects you in the end is what matters. And good luck! Let me know how it goes.

[I didn't know about the new Siken book. Do you know if it has a name? I'll have to look it up whenever it releases.]

Ahh, and I love the idea of listening favourite lines of poems, I might start doing that with my favourite poems too.

[Also, I know it's in the name, but there's something about the way Wishbone is written that it makes you keep as if you are splintering into bits and dissolving. Especially in the bit where he goes I wish you'd stop reminding about the debt because you can do nothing about it and even if you love me, it is not the way I want.; Please let me go, I cannot let you be in my debt anymore.]

Jericho Brown? Iconic. The cyclical nature of the form as well as it is sort of the same line all the while not being the same line is such a beautiful way to express the repetition, but all how each cycle in a way is different than the last one.

I loved Chen Chen's poem. The way God chooses to escape from his own reality through someone who does not believe enough in him to question him at first it beautiful. And what hits me is how God stops and creates a barrier again by sending the angel as soon as he is questioned in adjacent to his role in the universe. What interests me is how the atheist (I know it does not mention atheism directly, but close enough) is sent an angel and later meet with God, and therefore, the relation that they form is a meaningful bond between two individuals rather than being a power dynamic with the worshipped and the devotee.

There's something about Ledesma's stories about hopelessness in her both protagonists. In the same way, both are extremely tired of their circumstances and want to be somewhere else in perhaps a better versions of their selves. The scattered prose certainly draws it very strongly together.

And finally, to drop a rec of my own, let me know what you think of Ada Limon's "The Problem With Travel" and "Accident Report in the Tall, Tall Weeds." They both are very beautiful poems.

Hope to hear from you soon! :)

[yandere-daydreams]

Is bastard boy Angelo still valid to request for? I'd love to hear what you think about him meeting Darling by finding them just after one of his... 'messier' jobs

Ah, this character? It’s been a while since I worked with him, but I do have a special spot in my heart for the worst man I’ve had the honor of creating. Especially with a Darling who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

TW: Gun Violence, Non-Consensual Touching, and Blood. 

~

You didn’t think there would be so much blood.

You weren’t naive, nor were you the walking embodiment of purity. You knew enough about the human body to know that, when an injury is grisly enough, there would be gore. There would be torn muscle and pink-splattered debris and bones sticking out of places where bones shouldn’t be, and even if you’d never had the displeasure of seeing anything worse than a broken bone or bloody nose with your own eyes, you knew it couldn’t be pleasant. You’d imagined it, before, tried to prepare yourself for something that unfortunate, but your experience was limited. You knew the real thing would be worse, and you thought you’d be ready for it.

You just hadn’t known there would be so much you had to be ready for.

You went still as you took in the sight in front of you, the person in front of you. His clothes were ripped, torn at every wrinkle and off-angle, but attire wasn’t your concern. Bruises, black and swelling, were littered across his pale skin, littering his jaw, his brow, and his shaking, heaving chest, struggling to inhale a little more with each passing second. Thick, warm blood created a puddle underneath him, creeping across the uneven asphalt, wrapping around your shoes and proceeding onward, stretching but never stopping in its pursuit to escape the narrow alleyway. That was the worst of it, the blood. So, so much blood.

Even from a distance, you could see the small, circular wound in his chest, jagged around the edges and deep. A bullet embedded just above his heart.

You didn’t think, not once your shock had worn off. Pulling off your jacket, you grit your teeth and you dropped to your knees, shoving the gathered fabric against his wound, attempting to stifle the bleeding. Still, there was only so much you could do before that was soaked through, too, beginning to drip as you cursed under your breath. “Are you conscious?” You asked, your voice trembling, hoarse. Louder than what felt right, but much too quiet, at the same time. His answer came in the form of a stifled groan, but that was enough. You continued, if only to hear your own voice, reaching for the phone in your back pocket as you spoke. “I’m going to get help, alright? I’ll call an ambulance, and we’ll get you fixed up in no time. You’ll be--”

Before you could finish, someone grabbed your collar, your phone falling out of your hand as he dragged you to your feet. A gloved hand wrapped around your neck once you were standing, keeping you pinned against a broad chest, your shuddering breaths contrasting distinctly with the steady, measured heartbeat now reverberating into your smaller form. If he was bothered, you couldn’t tell, but you anxiety only grew more unignorable as something metallic and sleek probed the bottom of you chin, the muzzle still hot against your skin. You heard your captor catch your phone under the sole of his shoe, his heel soon driven into the device, the screen soon cracked beyond repair. Sealing your fate in the arms of a murderer.

Or, attempted murderer, at least. You had a feeling he’d make up for that, soon.

He broke the silence, his tone grating, low. As if not being discovered was a formality he was only obligated to indulge. “If you haven’t noticed, I do not want that man to be alive.” He nodded vaguely towards his victim, barely acknowledging the poor soul. “Trying to help him would be counter-intuitive, no?”

“I… I can’t just watch him die,” You grunted, his hold on you tightening, a warning to lower your volume. You obliged, your self-preservation mixing with your pride, forming something between fear and resistance. You knew you were in danger, but someone was dying less than an arm’s length away. You couldn’t afford to think about yourself, right now. “It’s cruel. He doesn’t deserve to bleed out in some back-alley. No one does, you fucking psycho.”

He laughed, at that, the sound stark and unabashed. His hand left your neck, running through your hair, instead, brushing it out of your face and raking it back, holding it in place as he scanned over you. You took the chance to steal a glance towards the gun in his hand. It was a pistol, but you couldn’t tell whether or not it was cocked, or how many bullets he had left. That didn’t matter, though. As long as he had one, he could end you life with the pull of a trigger. “You’re new to this, aren’t you? Call me Angelo, little one,” He chuckled, tugging your hair at the roots, forcing you to straighten your back and cringe. “He’s not a good man. He’s scum, a liar who makes promises he can’t keep and tried to run when someone comes along to hold him accountable. He was given a choice, and he made the wrong one.” Angelo leaned against you, clicking his tongue playfully. “And now, I’m collecting his debt. It’s only fair.”

“A debt and a life aren’t equal,” You countered, your eyes never leaving the stranger. His breathing was heavy now, labored. Your nails dug into your palms, your hands soon balled at your sides. “If this is about money, it doesn’t matter. He needs a hospital-”

Instantly, his grip on your hair tightened, jerking you up by the scalp and forcing you to grab at his wrist, the action as reflexive as it was shortsighted. He didn’t take kindly to the small show of disobedience, nearly pulling you off the ground as he threw you against the nearest wall, keeping you in place with little more than a sharp glare and a scowl. His aim wasn’t anything special, but it didn’t have to be. Angelo’s target was close and unmoving, and within two deafening shots, he was dead, too, leaving your ears ringing and a freshly-slaughtered corpse lying lifelessly at your feet. A scream hitched in your throat, but he didn’t give you the time to spit it out. Apparently, he had more important things to worry about than your reactions. “Money doesn’t matter when you have money. He didn’t, and he cost me because of that.” He paused, and as if on cue, sirens could be heard in the distance, undoubtedly alerted by the gunshots. “And now, you’re costing me time.”

You didn’t argue when he took you by the wrist, dragging you towards the main road, leaving you to follow after him in short, stumbling steps. Tears were gathering in the corners of your eyes, blurring your vision as the weight of your situation finally came crashing down. “I don’t…” You tried to speak, but trailed off quickly, the words half-hearted at best. You couldn’t think of anything to say. “Where are you taking me?”

“I could’ve taken your life, but I didn’t. I was kind, and I’m owed something for it.” You couldn’t ignore him, but your attention was quickly stolen away. He’d been obscured before, the darkness covering most of his more distinct features, but away from the alley’s shadows, you could see the details of his suit, or rather, its colors. 

A deep, rich velvet, only slightly distorted by the tinted streetlights. The color of blood.

And he was covered in the stuff.

“You’re in my debt.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: How do you like your  🥚🍳 in the morning? Carly: no 🐣 Carly: ha Ali: 🐔 didn't show up in your roost later, did he? Carly: he must be scared of you Carly: 🔮 Ali: or my 🐺 Carly: maybe Ali: eggs aside, how you feeling, chick? Carly: 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: 👎👎👎👎👎 Ali: unacceptable! Ali: what do you need, kill or cure? Carly: cure forever Carly: im too young to die Ali: I'll swing by with my witches brew Ali: actually doesn't taste like ☠ either Ali: pure 😇 Carly: aw Carly: really? Ali: 'course, not gonna half-arse the job Ali: and it makes a full pot, no sense in not sharing the 💚 Carly: 💙 Carly: wat does it taste like? Ali: like Christmas 🎄🎅🤶🎁❄️🌨️☃️✨🌟 Carly: 😋😊🥰 Ali: it's got ginger and peppermint in Ali: the only other person hanging out their arse is my brother and he would rather die 'cos he's grumpy 👴 man energy so Carly: no 🦃 tho yea?! ha Carly: oh no he sounds like my da Carly: which cute bro is it? Ali: definitely not 😂 Ali: some greens but not sprouts Ali: the freckly one Carly: did u heal my heart to 💔😢? Carly: course itd be the most beautiful one Ali: oh no, you're delirious Ali: I'll come quick 😜 Carly: dont b jealous 👼 hes only the most beautiful boy Ali: 😏 My ma'll be gutted Carly: do u have a tea for that? Ali: 🍋 'cos she's so bitter? Ali: I'll see if she goes for it Carly: noooo 🍯 so she wont be Ali: you're too sweet yourself, Walsh Carly: aw Carly: but ur the 1 who saved me Carly: ur the sweetest Ali: anyone would Carly: nah ur the 1st Carly: not just saying it to u get ur fairy wings Ali: had to fly away from that particular 🐔 plenty myself Ali: harmless and flightless though he is, most the time Carly: yea Carly: he talks about u wen hes been on it Carly: the 1 that flew away Ali: uh oh Ali: can't let a boy ✂ your wings Ali: ever Ali: ever Ali: 👼🏽 🐔 🐧 🐦 🐤 🐣 🐥 🦆 🦢 🦅 🦉 🦚 🦜 🦇 🐝 🦋 🐞 🦗 🦟 🐓 🦃 🕊 Carly: im 😕💫🙃 but idk if those were the guests i danced with Carly: did get a cute lil 🎶🎤 to fall asleep to tho 💙🕊 Carly: 🌚🌝🌛🌜🌞 Ali: very 👸 of you though Ali: I can 👀 it Carly: my ma is trying to make me clean Carly: 🐇🐁����🐿🦔🐾 pls Ali: also unacceptable Ali: not 'til you're better Ali: use my wings to fly through and 🤞 he don't get the wrong idea about who I'm there to see Carly: [sends her a pic of whatever caravan mess she caused last night that her mum is raging about] Carly: so u can play a game of spot whats got her 😠 Carly: cuz idk Ali: Fun 🧐🤔🤨 Ali: angry mothers are my forte Ali: [does the circling the hazzards moment on the pic] Carly: making her angry is mine but nah to knowing y ever ever Carly: k ur cute & smart Carly: 🌟 Ali: it's rarely logical, but 🤫 on that or it's hulk levels in 0-60 Ali: how are you this nice when you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: that's a skill, rare one at that 💎✨ Carly: my da is looking green must of had his own 🎶🍻💃 ha Carly: idk i can b nicer? but k now i know ronan aint been talking bout me when hes 🍺 or 💊 Ali: can be a tea party for three Ali: have to bring his own 🎩 though Ali: not to me anyway Ali: but as you can tell Ali: 🐺 keeps all the 🐓🐓🐓 away Carly: 🐇🐇🐇♠️♣️♥️♦️🐇🐇🐇 Carly: she is fierce Ali: she likes to think so Ali: 🐶 really Carly: course ur not scared of her silly Carly: u love her Carly: im a 🐈 person ha Ali: [sends her a load of pictures of Bluebeard she didn't ask for rather than being like do I love her hmm] Carly: AW!!!! Carly: 🥰🤗 Ali: he's captain ☠🏴 but there's always room aboard Carly: thats the best offer ive had from a gentleman ever ever ever Carly: whats his name? Ali: Bluebeard Ali: and he is MOSTLY a gentleman if you can handle some toe nibbling Carly: 😍😍😍😍 Carly: into it Carly: ive done more for lads i just met who aint as beautiful so Ali: 😂 I feel that Ali: honestly, it's quite comforting, when he doesn't sneak attack you with it Carly: [sends her a selfie that shouldn't be as adorable as it is] Carly: now u can introduce us Carly: 👋 baby blue Ali: the 😍😍😍😍 are mutual Ali: I can tell Carly: yay Carly: 🧡 Ali: is there anything else you need/we want for the tea party? Ali: en-route at last Carly: ur really coming? Ali: yeah, sorry I was ages, it's a whole process brewing it Ali: also a dead giveaway you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 which obvs my ma takes as her cue to be all Spanish inquisition about it Ali: 📚 of my mostly-fictional-but-which-are-and-which-aren't-mother exploits later Carly: sorry iou so much magic Ali: nah, don't worry about it 👸 Ali: who doesn't love a little scandal with their morning brew? she deffo does Carly: its too late im looking for 🍀 Carly: among the 🌼🌼🌼 Ali: awh Ali: I'm never turning down extra luck Ali: we can make daisy-chains Carly: its the dresscode Carly: soz da Ali: does he have a 🧔? Ali: that's a #look Carly: not rn Carly: my ma wasnt on @ me only to clean up Carly: he had his turn Ali: damn it Ali: maybe a nice belt Ali: I'll be 🤔 Carly: dont b 💔😢 he has bushy eyebrows Ali: same Ali: he's earnt his invite back Ali: your ma gonna have to chill though Ali: and it ain't that kinda tea 💔 Carly: you wont b able to tell if shes angry or surprised Ali: 😚 ⬅ I know the vibe Ali: you do you babe Carly: she used to let me sort em out but there was an accident Carly: which im sworn to secrecy about Ali: I'm so good with secrets 🙏🙏🙏 Carly: k Carly: my head zoned out but my hands kept going like Ali: you were meditating you can't help having  🌌🧠 Ali: I'll 🤭 now and never tell, don't worry Mrs W Carly: @ school yea im meditating on your q sir relax Carly: ha love that Ali: they just ask questions to answer it themselves, what is the point Carly: u coming for my ma again? Ali: 🤫 bad first impression, that Carly: shes heard it from ronan too sorry Carly: lad has loose lips Ali: honestly Ali: 🙄 can't keep up with my bad reputation Carly: ud think hed be better at kissing Carly: its talk talk talk Carly: more good things about u than ive made it seem like tho Ali: he was a big talker Ali: probably 'cos he ain't allowed with the lads Carly: if he talked about what a 👼 u are & how 💔😢 he is theyd uninvite him from the bonfire Carly: its sweet really how hung up hes got Ali: he only thinks I'm an 👼 'cos he took my virginity probs Ali: that's more suitable 🔥side chat Carly: he goes on about that alot but I thought he was lying Carly: oh no that sounds bad Carly: not calling u a slag ur obvs not its y he likes u more Ali: 😂 I'm fine with slag Ali: all definition dependent anyway Carly: yea same Carly: can be hot if ur in the mood Ali: right, and if I'm a slag 'cos I didn't marry him then I'll take it Carly: & hes not allowed to marry gorgers theyd wanna throw him in the 🔥 Ali: exactly Ali: we can't both be 💔😢 forever can we boy Carly: just me @ the party til u came to my rescue Ali: 🥺 Ali: What was he even on about then, like? Ali: dickhead Carly: idk i zone out wen he shouts @ me too Ali: I can always poison a cup and send it his way Ali: just say the word Carly: hes not that bad Ali: okay okay, just some laxatives Ali: 'cos he's a bit 💩 Carly: ha Ali: no 🌼🌼🌼 unless he says soz then Carly: but his beautiful curls 🥺 Ali: hmm, a good point Ali: be strong, baby Carly: ill throw one @ him & run away Carly: back to u Ali: you're so adorable Carly: says u Carly: 👼👸🏼 Ali: 💚 we're gonna have an adventure when the tea hits okay Ali: I've decided Carly: k thats the kinda 🎄🎅🤶🎁 it is Carly: i do want the energy of a kid on xmas morning Ali: that's the best Ali: how I'm tryna be every day Carly: 💫⭐️🌟✨⚡️☄️ 🚀🛸 Ali: if only 🚀 Ali: this bike can only go as fast as my lil legs can carry, like Carly: aw baby Carly: i shouldve asked u where u live before this 2nd rescue was launched Carly: im sorry Ali: No distance is too far for a fair maiden Carly: ill have to see what other 🔮 i can find before u get here Carly: dont love ious Ali: there's no ious Carly: [sending her loads of pics of her with or just pics of the cat lady's cats that she's rounding up for this tea party and they're adorable] Ali: 😍💞😻 Ali: okay, non-debt fully paid though Carly: [just rambling about the names she's given each cat cos her and cat lady don't know each other properly til Ali comes along and like facts about each cat/her fave things cos she's a big nerd] Ali: I love them Ali: I'm gonna get them some 🐟🐟🐟 when I get tea party tings Ali: some cream, awh, okay, this is happening Carly: im picking enough 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼 for everyone Ali: should've put Bluebs in my basket Ali: next time Carly: aw Carly: Humbug might try & fight him Carly: youd b there to protect him tho Ali: I can ref Ali: my little brother is always trying to play-fight everyone so I'm well-versed Carly: is he ticklish? that works for me Carly: broken up lots of fights Ali: big time Ali: his kryptonite Ali: reckon it's against the rules in professional fights but preparing him for anything like any good big sister Carly: ha Carly: aw i bet ur an amazing sister Carly: if i had 1 maybe id wanna be on site sometimes Carly: my ma's eyebrows r hardly a call to home Ali: he might disagree but he's 5 so what does he know 😉 Ali: feel that though Ali: home is just a base, whole 🌍 out there Carly: wen ur 5 you argue to argue Carly: yea if u dont use ur wings theyll think u dont want em 💔😢 Ali: flying is like riding a 🚲 though Carly: r we goin on a 🚲 adventure? Ali: definitely Ali: ugh, need one of those wagons for the 😻😻😻s Carly: ☺️its gonna b so fun! Carly: we might meet more 🐈🐈🐈🐈 Ali: way better than 🐔 Carly: ha Carly: do u have 🔮 left to help me find shoes? Ali: have you checked the fridge? Carly: [a pause while she do] Carly: theyre not there 😕🧐 Ali: damn, that'd be the last place I'd look though Ali: were they in the mess your Ma was sounding off about fr Carly: o mayb Carly: if i was wearing any when you dropped me off Ali: 🤔 I don't know if I recall any glass slippers Ali: I'll ask Lene hold up Carly: 👸 energy Carly: but idk if i wanna scary 🐺 at my door Ali: turns out she's actually your 👵 Carly: ha my grandma is 💍 to god Carly: its not close to the energy shes putting out Ali: she'd probably tell your actual that God is a gay girl Ali: nah she's well 😇 around fam, just hide behind your Ma and me, baby, you'll be fine Carly: ha that wasn't in any of the kids bible stories she sent me every 🎄🎅🤶🎁 Carly: her god is 😠 than Humbug Carly: he likes to shout so i gotta zone out Carly: aw that's sweet ur ma loves her too? Ali: Hooray for Catholicism, yeah? 😏 Ali: she loves my Ma, more like Carly: we spend our sundays on our knees nana but its 🚽🤮 or u kno a bigger sin Carly: u do look like her i remember Ali: that's not QUITE 🚽🤮 levels but close 😂 Carly: nah its nice u have the same 👀💙✨ Carly: idk who i look like Carly: postman maybe Ali: now I don't know whether to 😳 or be 🤨 you like my Ma too Ali: you look like you and that's Ali: 💛 😍 😘 🥰 😚 👸 👼🏽 🐰 🌼 🌻 🌞 🍓 🍑 🍨 🍰 🍭 🍬 🎆 💜 Carly: yea 🤞🙏🌠 the postman isnt my da cuz hes a ride Carly: aw now youve got me 😳 Ali: rude, my postman is not Carly: 🚫💌 then baby Carly: ill text u instead Ali: so grumpy, don't stick your hand right into our house if you don't wanna get bitten, sir Ali: not by me, whatever Ronan has said Ali: though I'm well flattered I'm getting a text back Carly: ha its k its not that u use too much teeth Carly: & course ur my hero Carly: tho 🤞🙏🌠 wont b an sos every time Ali: good, can't have him putting you off with blatant lies Ali: it won't be if I do a better job at the heroics and get there before any bad shit can happen Carly: its k i like it Carly: helps me remember what i did Carly: 💔😢 no lads r spelling their names out in bruises for the who Carly: 🐇🐾🐇🐾🐇 Carly: nooo theres no better u could do Carly: ur flying to me faster than anyone has ever ever Ali: amateurs, like Ali: so rude, ain't they heard you're 👸 Ali: I'm basically there now, prepare for the best tea party you've ever been to Carly: aint wat theyve heard but idc Carly: yay 💙 i havent had 1 since me & my 🧸🧸🧸 Ali: I'll be 🎶🔊 it so get in the know lads Ali: awh, can I meet them too? Carly: not too 🔊 or ur gf will bite me which could b fun but im not trying to do u like 💔😢 Carly: some r shyer than others but if u work ur 🔮 how u did for me ull make friends Ali: fill your boots, babe, I don't reckon she's your type, like Ali: I'll be on my best behaviour 🤞 Ali: the loveliest guest you've ever had 🤞🤞 Carly: be fun though Carly: not boring Ali: 😲😲 Ali: Is that the impression I give off? Ali: or another Ronan tale, either way Ali: gonna have to prove otherwise now in the most extra ways imaginable Carly: nahhh Carly: he don't lie to me its his 1 saving grace Carly: its just like a pls Carly: to u & the universe Ali: I won't be boring Ali: trust me Carly: k Carly: i do ur a lifesaver Ali: nah Ali: just happy to help Carly: im happy we r mates Ali: me too Ali: idk why we weren't before, like Ali: too many people at school Carly: & i dont go much ha Ali: this is true Ali: lesser spotted walsh 🐦 Carly: oooh wat colours am i Ali: 💗💜💛🧡💗 Carly: cute Ali: very Carly: wats ur fave colour? Ali: It's a harder question than people reckon, that Ali: like, there's so many beautiful things of every colour Ali: if I can decide for the day, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to all the others Carly: sorry Carly: i havent decided on mine either Carly: when i was a lil kid it was 💛 for the 🌞 then wen i started goin out it was silver for wat i thought the 🌚 looked like Carly: but ive seen so many new colours since Ali: kids always know Ali: they're much smarter than adults about everything Carly: i bet ur lil bro is the smartest Carly: like u Ali: he likes red for 🚨❌🛑⛔️🚫💯‼️🥊🥤 Ali: and I see the appeal Carly: does he like 🍎? i kno somewhere that sells the reddest shiniest 1s Carly: or we cud just throw 🍅s Ali: he's at the anti-fruit stage Ali: but I reckon he could be convinced if we let him smother 'em in caramel and sprinkles Carly: its a date Ali: Me first

[areiton]

(1)Cause you're (rightfully) grumpy about people's purity wank I've got a question that might distract you and which I desperately hope you have an answer to: I mostly read steter fic so far. Now i wanted to get into sterek but ... I seem to be too picky?? I'd like to read sth not totally au (Erica and Boyd being alive is fine for example), with not too much ooc-ness, with Peter NOT being the villain and with Derek's abusive past 'relationships' and Stiles self-destructiveness actually adressed

(2) and I can’t seem to find sth that really … catches me. There are so many amazing steter fics out there (yes, I very definetely talking about your fics too) and I’m sure there are equally amazing sterek fics, but …. yeah. I’m obviously not able to find them. So - help??? Please??

~*~

Oh, friend. You are my favorite. This is the kind of ask Iadooooore. Ok, you ready? Cuz this list is LOOOOONG. (big thanks to@bloody-bee-tee for helping me find fics for this list.) Not everything fitsall your criteria, but all of them fit some.

**Are especially good for dealing with Derek and/or Stiles healing.

~~

Patterns of Intention by drunktuesdays:

Derek looked likethe stuff of his deepest fantasies. His shirt was rumpled where Stiles had hishands in it, and he was breathing hard as well, chest heaving. His eyes—hiseyes were glazed over and he looked stunned, like he’d been—like Stiles had—

“No,” Stiles said,blood draining from his face. The word was croaky and felt like it had to bewrenched out of his chest. “God, no.”

~~

Paper Skin and Glass Bones byhushlittlewolf:

Derek can’t takethis. He can’t take this joking, concerned boy that has the evidence of Derek’sshortcomings carved into his skin.

Or

The one where Dereknever paid attention to how much Stiles got hurt…until he sees Stilesshirtless and notices all the scars.

~~

**Carry You Home byCastielific:

“Derek letshimself fall on his back, breath short, heart beating fast. He can feel theWolf in him, purring in satisfaction and contentment. Asking for more. It wantshim to turn and touch, to never stop touching. Instead, Derek squeezes hishands into fists and closes his eyes, trying to push it back, this need, thisinstinct screaming for his mate. For Stiles.”

Title inspired bythis Firefly quote: “When you can’t run anymore, you crawl, and when you can’tcrawl, when you can’t do that, you find someone to carry you”

~~

Trust Fall byStoney:

Stiles is fairlycertain that a case could be made for every bad thing in his life coming backto Peter Hale. This time it’s pissing off a powerful witch, who retaliated byswapping Stiles and Derek a la Freaky Friday, because sure. Thatmakes sense. Um, there are GPAs on the line, not to mention the whole thingwhere his dad wants to shoot Derek on sight. Except who he sees as Derek isactually Stiles, and Stiles did not sign up for filicide.

Great. Wait…does this mean he’s the Alpha until they figurethis out? Holy. Shit.****

Derek had stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a fewminutes trying to control the panic as he saw himself as Stiles. As the loudmouthed human friend of the pack. He was going to kill Peter. He was going tokill the witch, then he was going to kill Peter. Maybe even resurrect him againjust to kill him all over.

They were going to have to play this cool. They would have tostay calm and focused. Which is of course why the universe threw him into thissituation with someone who physically couldn’t be calm and focused.

Of course.

~~

Stilinski’s Home for WaywardWolves by owlpostagain:

“At least yourpuppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them tobe well-mannered.” 



“There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly. 



Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges,abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up andall but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, andsure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock ducttaped to the vinyl siding: 



DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him

—

Or, in which StilesStilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school andaccidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

~~

How  Derek Met His Smallest Fan by purleduvet:

Derek is standing inthe fruits and vegetables aisle, trying to decide between two very nice lookingwatermelons, when someone small crashes into his legs.

or

Derek comes back toBeacon Hills after years of being gone and meets Stiles and his kid at thesupermarket.

~~

Make it Feel Like Home by redeyedwrath:

Maybe it would’vebeen different if things had never happened. Maybe it would’ve been different ifhe hadn’t persuaded Scott to go search in the woods. Maybe it would’ve beendifferent if he hadn’t been so stubborn. Maybe it would’ve been different if heand Scott had never met.

Maybe it would’ve been different, would’ve beenbetter, if he hadn’t been born in the first place.

He tightens his fingers on the steering wheel untilthey turn an ugly, bloodless color. The only good thing, in his opinion, that’dcome out of all of this, had been meeting Derek. Derek, who’d been an assholebut turned out to be the most loyal, kindest person Stiles knows.

He resists the urge to drive off the road and screaminto his palms. Beause Derek had left, and now he’s alone.

Or, an AU where Stiles runs away to find himself but finds Derekinstead.

~~

Misfire bymothlights, unpossible: (this one has less than fantastic Peter, buthe isn’t actively bad, and it’s amazing)

“The debt must berepaid,” she says, and it has the weight of a vow. Thewords resonate through him, ringing through his ribcage and the bones of hisjaw, and Stiles loses his breath and maybe his grip on reality because shedraws herself upright and where there had once stood a supermodel-level MILFnow there is Galadriel’s much hotter older sister, a Presence of unmistakablepower in their ordinary, smells-vaguely-of-Thai-takeout hallway.

“Oh shit,” Stilessays.

~~

And You Say You’re Alone by taelynhawker:

Between the kanima, the Argents, and Peter’suntimely return from the dead, everything has fallen apart. Stiles and Derektry to put their lives back together once the crisis has passed. Stiles dealswith the aftermath of being tortured, and the distance growing between he andScott. Derek attempts to become a stronger alpha and keep his pack safe, andthat includes Stiles.

~~

The Art of Dying Well by kinneas:

Yousaid we’re friends.“

"Whoa, way to holdwhat a guy says in the heat of the moment against him,” Stiles repliesautomatically, but… that’s not what he wants to say, not at all, not to thequiet contemplation that is Derek Hale on his living room sofa. So he adds,“I guess, yeah.”

Derek doesn’t speak fora long moment. “Then it’s inevitable.”

“Wow,”Stiles whistles, “you are the biggest downer.”

~~

Gracious in Defeatby yodasyoyo:

Stiles needs to getaway from Beacon Hills after the end of his senior year. Derek offers to lethim stay with him in São Paulo, and they finally act on the tension that hasalways simmered between them.

The thing is, whenit’s time to go home- Stiles doesn’t want to leave.

~~

Crash Landers by gyzym:

In which Stiles learns to Stalk That Stalk.(Or, how to accidentally woo your unfriendly neighborhood alpha in roughly fivehundred handwritten steps.)

~~

**Not Quite Lost (Not QuiteFound) by alocalband:

A year after thenogitsune is defeated, Derek is living a quiet life in the mountains above asmall town in Colorado.

Then Stiles showsup.

~~

The Darkness Inside by isthatbloodonhisshirt:

The sheriff watchedhim for a moment, then he sighed and turned slightly. He reached out to open acabinet door beside him, and pulled out a shelf. It was on a track, so itrolled out of the cabinet fairly easily, and held a small CCTV. Derek frownedand inched his chair to the side a little bit so he could get a better angle.

He was looking at a teenager, or someone at least young enoughto be the same age as Scott. He was sitting on a bed in what looked to be alarger room, the area he was in surrounded by four glass walls, with his legscrossed and head tilted.

He was also staring directly into the camera, as if he knewsomeone was watching. A creepy smile slowly slid onto the teen’s face, and heheld up one hand, wiggling his fingers in a slow, eery wave.

Derek felt his mouth run dry. He didn’t know who this kid was,but he didn’t like him.

“Who is that?” he asked quietly.

“That,” said thesheriff, “is my son.”

~~

***Bravery is a Loaded Gun byLiviKate:

“No, I’m notasexual, Stiles,” Derek said shortly.

The teen’s heart sank in his chest, his palms going clammy andhis neck prickling with the familiar feeling of rejection.

“So then it’s,” Stiles swallowed, throat clogging, unable togive voice to the facts he would much rather ignore. The silence grew betweenthem, growing tense the longer it was left. For the first time in years, Stilescouldn’t speak. The weight of inadequacy held down his typical stream ofuseless banter. What does one say in this sort of situation? ‘I’m sorry youdon’t find me attractive?’

In which the boys speak in half sentences and have two totallydifferent conversations. What they can agree on, eventually, is that they loveeach other. And that Derek should jerk off more.

~~

Warm shadows bystilinskisparkles:

“Fine,” Stiles spitsback, “We’ll die together, it’ll be dandy.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Derek snaps, “I’ll get some peaceand quiet for once.”

Stiles grinssuddenly, blindingly. There’s blood on his teeth, and his eyes are dark anddesperate as he looks up at Derek, but he’s never looked more stupidly,infuriatingly beautiful.

~~

Give Me Back My Bones (maybe thenwe’ll talk) by kariye:

Derek meets Stiles on a Wednesday. He comes infor his usual cup of coffee and somehow walks out with hot chocolate, cinnamonon the top, and no idea what just happened there.

~~

Romancing the Sourwolf. (OrStiles Stilinski’s Foolproof Guide to Getting Your Man) by lucyinthesoupwithcrutons:

The 15 year plan for Lydia was clearly thewrong way to go; Stiles won’t be making the same mistake with Derek. He decidesto do his homework this time.

~~

Throw Me to the Wolves by skoosiepants:

He feels thephysical embodiment of devastated, his already too strung-out mindstruggling to wall up all the hurt, the rejection—he takes a deep shudderingbreath and looks down at the shredded skin on his arms, at the sluggish waythey’re weakly healing.

There is nothing, nothing he wants more than tohave Derek sweep in and make everything all better. He should have known,though, that something like that would never happen to him.

OR -

Stiles accidentallygets bitten, and everything goes to hell.

~~

***SharingFood by aussiebee:

“Sharing foodwith another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged inlightly.” ― M.F.K. Fisher

Or

Derek is pretty muchabsorbed into the Stilinski family, one meal at a time.

~~

Derek Hale’s No-Good, Very BadDay by Mackem:

Derek hides from his day.

~~

***Start Small, Like Oak Treesby SmallBirds:

The months following Allison’s death havepassed Stiles by in a haze of monotony. He sleepwalks through days that seem tolose their color, an unwilling passenger in a body he no longer trusts.Eventually, he thinks, he’ll just fade away. He isn’t sure anyone would notice.Then, during a spur of the moment grocery run, he stumbles upon Derek Haleattempting to console a lost child, and for the first time in recent memory theworld doesn’t seem so awful.He’s not sure what he’d been expecting when he eventuallyconvinces Derek to move into the Stilinski’s spare bedroom, but a newfoundpassion for weeding and topsoil certainly isn’t it.

~~

A Quiet Night (Not in theCards) by Delightful_I_Am:

“Derek fucking Hale!”

The shout rang through the bar and for a long moment nobodymoved. It was like something out of a movie. Everything just stopped; the musiccut off; one of the servers had frozen mid-pour. Grady would have laughed if heweren’t holding his breath. The kid straightened his shirt, a glimpse ofstomach showing the curling edges of a tattoo on his hip, and strode towardwhere Hale was sitting in the dark corner. As one, every supe in the placeturned to see Hale’s reaction; the last person to try to confront Hale in herehad left with a broken hand and a whispered threat that the next time Halewould rip their throat out. With his teeth.Unsurprisingly, Hale’s face was set in its usual glower, although it seemed abit softer around the eyes. It took Grady a second to realise Hale knew the kid.

~~

The blood blooms clean in you,ruby by m_leigh:

“You don’tremember, anymore, where exactly you were when you found out that she was dead.You remember almost everything else about her dying, though.”

Stiles Stilinski hasalways been the person who will do what other people don’t want to. It’s hard,though, when your friends keep trying to protect you. Post-S2.

~~

***Tide pullsfrom the moon by paintedrecs:

When Derek leftBeacon Hills, finally ripping the tether free and remembering how to breathe,how to live again, it was Stiles who came after him. Stiles, who showed up athis door with blazing eyes, looking like he wanted to punch him in the face,but wrapping his arms around him instead, making him grunt in surprise at theraw strength of his embrace.

“You asshole,”Stiles said, slapping him heartily on the back as he extricated himself, hisvoice rough under his bright smile. “You couldn’t have made yourself harder tofind, could you?”

~~

Homing Mechanisms by SmallBirds:

Magnetoreception:The sense which allows an organism to detect a magnetic field to perceivedirection, altitude or location. How birds find their way home.

–

Stiles returns toBeacon Hills after four years at Stanford, only to find out that Derek hasmoved back into town. He brings him a housewarming gift. Derek makes food.Things escalate from there.

~~

Parallax by uraneia:

Parallax: noun. Theeffect whereby the position or direction of an object appears to differ whenviewed from different positions, e.g., through the viewfinder and the lens of acamera.

With the pack (and Stiles) starting college, Derek is bored. Heneeds a hobby–or a job. Which is how he comes to model for Alpha Studios.

He just neverthought Stiles would end up working there too.

~~

Occam’s Razorby MissAnnThropic:

When Stiles goes to sleep, he’s ajunior in high school. He wakes up in a world where he’s twenty-four andmarried to Derek Hale. Stiles just can’t seem to catch a break.

Readalso: Stepping Off the Razor’sEdge which is a lot of healing for both our boys and beautiful.

~~

The Truth Is by BulletBlaze:

“Well, you should get going then-”“You could come around some time-”A pause.“Wait, what?”A blush bloomed across Derek’s cheeks, barely visible overthe top of his beard. He shrugged again.“If you wanted to. You could stop by while I’m fixing it up.Help me with some things. If you wanted to.”“You already said that,” Stiles, the idiot, mumbled indisbelief.Derek’s blush grew a shade darker.

~~

There’s a martyr in my bedtonight but it’s alright by crossroadwrite:

It’s a beautiful afternoon, and Derek is standing at a dusty gasstation, staring helplessly at the destroyed remains of the last thing hissister left him.

(OR: In which Derekexpects nothing from life, but with a little help from the Stilinskis getseverything.)

[mtnkat3]

Yeah.. gotta work on that yo-yo thing. Especially being affected by people like wh & my mom. Hard to keep my warrior crusty self wrapped around my marshmallow heart, to keep from being hurt. And of course the stress it induces.. I've had a really rough week with ibs. Trying to think about how to deal with it in the short term. Like psyllium capsules, salads, beans, & some grains.

But maybe now that got cobra fixed ... yahoo!😎 so I could get the right meds might help. And takes away one of the things majorly stressing me out.

So now onto things like my housing search. I'm thinking to do it properly, & that I've never rented, I probably need to invest into using a realtor to find a place. Sigh. But I need realistic goals & not the blingy stuff. What is important vs costs. Realistically, 700sq ft for <$1,000/mth would be great! But when I'm seeing such for $2k+.. & needing to find something in a good area.. a bit overwhelmed. Just so many things & tasks.

For a woman who's never moved but from parents, dorm & here.. then to rent. I'm looking at apartments because I can do short term, more places are accepting of elderly cat, & more places to look at. As much as I'd rather rent a small house or townhome just not many around. And $$$$. So also avoid debt as much as possible so as to save for my goals & dreams to come true!

Then.. I also wonder.. how my loves feel about it all. I know safety is something that you will be thinking about. So to not upset my loves I am making sure that's good too. Gates, locks, doors, security, etc.

Here.. I am always aware. Because wh will leave doors unlocked, when I think they are. Asked, do you have a safe place? No. Not even my bathroom. Heck, nor closet. Has been so well.. all along.

So yeah, I wanna think about the positive things, the good things, the changes I'm making & undergoing. To think about my future, goals, dreams, aspirations. To focus on those. And those things are what gets me thru my days.

I'd rather not seem like I'm venting, nor ripping into anyone. I just.. wanna make sure my soul's mates know what's happening. In the only way available to me.

Until the moment I get to dance into my loves arms.. get to feel him come up behind me in the kitchen.. shivery sigh.. closing my eyes.. my paradise. Seeing his eyes happy & full of love.. for me. To share my life with him. Those moments are the bliss my soul hangs on to. To soothe those world weary eyes.. it is my deepest longing.

I wanna love you with all of me.

To show you my love with the best of myself.

Why I pray to get my life right. To pray for God to help me to wake, to help me keep moving & not let the lethargy/exhaustion/depression take control so that I can accomplish all of my tasks. To work around the obstacles that wh is & get things done!

So now that I'm the warm seat for my cat.. I still work on tasks, like finding places to put on lists to call about. Trailers, housing, etc. Until everything is done!

And I can write you... I. AM. FREE.!!!

That moment...

It is a HUGE motivator for me.

Know what else...?

I wonder what you're doing.. how you are.. feel.. thinking.. do you think about how we will fit into each other's lives? I do. I think about the mundane to the extraordinary.

And.. I am & always will be.. your huckleberry.

I wanna cook, laugh, throw flour, have tickle wars,.. watch you brush your teeth.. think about how your beards grows.. how do you tend to it.. how long.. soft or bristly.. even watch you dress. Not spooky. More like.. how you move. Watch how the muscles of your body move.. yeah everybody puts on their pants & such the same. But. A person's body movements are like a fingerprint. Are actually even more individual than fingerprints.Heck, was used in MI:3,I think. Science & technology. The human brain. Fascinating to me. Blushing grin.

Ok. Sigh. Listen to csi:cyber whilst get some of my tasks further along.

I miss you terribly.

OMG how I miss you..

I love you beyond my own understanding. Much less anyone else.

I will never give up.

I believe wholeheartedly.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

I work whilst I await.. on my cliffside.

Your humbled, impatient, complex, warrior queen daughter.

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

👩⚓🙏🙇‍♀️☔💡🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽🦅 🥧🍁🧣🥾🥤🥮🍯🍼☕🍫🍎🍑🍒

🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵⌚⚡🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🎯🧭🕯🎶💋

Sa.10.22.2022 9.09pm est.

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful