#i'd probably still like it if i didn't associate it with that social pressure

[dreamyintersexouppy]

honestly i think the "catgirl shortage" thing seems to be a bunch of transfems got boxed in to only being able to engage in kink via the kitty femboy identity that cis people online deemed at least acceptable and as we found spaces we could actually explore our sexualities we diversified, why puppies are so popular idk it's probably cuz barking rules and definitely not a secret puppyhypnoplot you should just bark and not think about it! try it! bark bark! good girl!

[graysquirrel7]

I mean, fuck. Even in Seattle in 2024, masc-presenting and painting your nails is enough to raise eyebrows in certain neighborhoods. Fortunately people I've run into on the street will compliment the effort, but it still draws attention.

Forget the 90s. If you were masc-presenting but hated sports and didn't care about cars and other things commonly associated with male-identity in the 90s, people would come after you with physical violence (where they could get away with it, which was most places) and social shame (everywhere). Liked theatre and band and could cook and sew on top of that? Either you got light on your feet or you got beat, and not a single authority figure would help you.

Fuck. Your own parents would pressure you into heteronormative romantic relationships to keep up appearances. Heaven forbid you be auti-gender and grey[ace/aro]. The language for that didn't even exist!

The career I had in the 00s? I'd probably have ended up in a shallow grave if I had not had so much practice at masking.

just saw a “period typical homophobia” tag on a fic set in the early 2000s and like…you arent wrong but jesus things changed fast huh

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[transaurus]

any advice about getting over fears about doing anything/owning anything typically associated with my birth gender in fear of everyone calling me a trender? I want to do what I like, but also don't want to feel like sh*t lol

just gonna start by saying transmeds/truscum/TERFs/transmisogynists/generally shitty people DNI

also I got a little distracted by the fact that you censored shit because I forget that people consider shit a swear word, like I think it's just a very desi thing, I was allowed to say shit before I was allowed to say damn so it's just very amusing to me but anyway

okay I know I'm like relatively young but thinking back on it feels like a long time ago because I realised I'm trans about four years ago and it took me a few months at least to be able to even just wear pink without feeling extremely dysphoric (which doesn't make any sense because I've never been particularly masculine in my gender expression or hobbies) so I think part of it was just coming to terms with my transness and just telling myself that wearing makeup or liking sewing doesn't make me a girl and it doesn't invalidate my gender identity

a lot of the time, I did (and occasionally still do) treat my own dysphoric/invalidating thoughts like I treat my intrusive thoughts, like my brain will be like "iF yOuRe A bOy WhY dO yOu WeAr MaKeUp" and I'll just imagine it's a Karen™️ saying that to me so it's a lot easier to ignore and shrug off.

also surround yourself with people who support you!! like for the longest time I'd only wear makeup around my then-partner because I was scared of what my friends would say even though I knew they wouldn't mind, I just didn't feel ready? but just having someone who would compliment my makeup without invalidating me helped so much because then I started thinking that like if they can still see me as a boy, why can't I? and if one of my trans friends did/wore something that was stereotyped as something for their agab I wouldn't think that makes them their agab so why do I do that to myself? it's a lot of challenging personal biases and double standards (which also applies to things like body positivity) which tbh also just makes you a better person

also I think don't throw yourself into the deep end. like three-ish years ago I started painting my nails again and then wearing eyeliner again and then I added lipstick and then eyeshadow, etc. and it is something that is going to take time. like I wore a skirt last week for the first time in almost five years and I looked great and I felt great but I still couldn't shake the whole "if I go out in this, people are gonna think I'm a girl" and it's hard because I have a really "feminine" voice anyway so even when I do pass people just think I'm 12 and I don't think the social dysphoria is gonna go away anytime soon, probably not until I start t at least so it's something I've gotta work on in a not-caring-how-people-see-me way which is so much easier to do for who I am as a person than it is to do for dysphoria. I also started doing more feminine things in a social environment at school because it's an "all girls" school but I'm openly out and a pain in every transphobic teacher's ass so I can do whatever I want and they have to use the right name and pronouns which is affirming in its own way I guess. it is definitely something that's gonna take time so don't rush yourself or pressure yourself, start by doing things just when you're on your own, take pictures for yourself, and only when you feel ready, show those pictures to close friends or family or go to a friend's house in makeup/with a bit of facial hair/anything else that is typically associated with your agab

also like I'm growing my hair out a little, I've wanted to for so long but I was putting it off till I start t but then lockdown happened so I was like I'm gonna grow it out but I'll cut it short before school starts but I've spent a lot of quarantine thinking about my relationship with gender, what I'm comfortable with, what makes me happy and I definitely don't have all the answers but I know that I look cute with long hair and that makeup makes me happy and that I feel confident in crop tops and skirts so I think just thinking about it as "this makes me happy and it's not hurting anyone so there's no reason not to do it." also even with longer hair and makeup and skirts, I'll look in the mirror and see a boy because I am a boy so no matter what I look like, I always look like a boy and I think I can do that now because I spent years telling myself that and reassuring myself so I'm finally at a place where, even when I have bad dysphoria days, I still don't see myself as anything except a boy

I definitely waffled sorry, but tl;dr at the end of the day, take your time and just understand that these things don't make your gender identity less valid, they just make you happier. also (this bit applies to everyone) if you're not out or your friends/family aren't supportive or you're just not ready to show them things you do that are associated with your agab or anything else, I am always here. send submissions or asks or shoot me a message, I am always here to talk, to listen, to shower you with compliments, whatever you need 💛

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

[bravewolfvesperia]

Mostly calm as he was handling himself on the outside, Yuri was amazed Flynn was able to do this just on a regular walk. A couple? My love? It wasn't unlike Flynn to say words like that to him so much as... the reality of it was sinking in and pressing down on him every time he uttered words like that. They had been together for so long already as it was, that the idea of confessing anything almost didn't feel necessary.

Having Flynn be open about those feelings was actually nice though. Yuri had accepted so many negative remarks about himself for so long that he taken them for granted. Started to believe them. It went on long enough and was said enough that they were the norm now, and it was Flynn's words having to fight off and take the place of what he started to believe about himself. At least at this rate if Flynn kept up like this, he might actually one day be able to default to thinking better of himself.

And it all felt like a lot. Flynn was smiling and laughing and being wholly cheerful. No stress, no duties, no emergencies... He may have been a commandant, but he was still just a 22 year old man. Hardly a man. Not that long ago they were squabbling in the knights and barely adults. They wanted change and they wanted it now, but now that they were getting it... Yuri couldn't help just wanting to see more of Flynn being himself instead.

"It's okay with me." He would have to think about the other parts of it some other time. Some way he could improve his image, at least; if not for his own sake, then for Flynn's. Hopefully at worst he would just be some nobody at first - just the commandant's family - and not have all those awful things attached to his identity. He didn't want Flynn being questioned on who he associated with, or him having to deal with people saying his feelings were less important than who he ended up with based on social status.

Thankfully Ioder would almost definitely work on any negative perceptions, but he couldn't just rely on the emperor for that. If it were up to Yuri himself, he wouldn't care what people thought, but... he couldn't risk Flynn being under pressure from having to answer to people. Then again, it was probably going to be the same sort of issue on the guilds' side. They probably would wonder what someone even Don Whitehorse himself respected was doing with the commandant of the knights.

Did that make it better though? Maybe it did. Maybe someone at the very top of the knights being with someone who was at least friends with someone at the very top of the guilds, who was the right hand of the former Dahngrest leader, would be good for them. Stop the fighting. Make things better. Fix old relations between them. If Brave Vesperia could work their way up, that would help too.

"Sometimes I just get into my own head, that's all. I don't want to hide anything though, or stop you from just being natural around me because I know eyes will be on us. I guess that's kind of weird since it was never like that and we were just two regular people, but I'd rather not let it get in the way of just doing whatever we want." Funny, really. He'd wanted Flynn to be natural with him throughout that journey, but now Flynn was and Yuri was the one fighting to stay that way. Of course he wanted Flynn to make it to the top, but he hadn't expected it to be so soon.

For the Commandant himself to be Yuri's? A very wild thing to consider. For that person to just happen to be the person he'd had his eyes on since basically forever? He struggled with vocalizing his feelings, but that didn't mean they didn't happen, and it certainly didn't mean his stomach wasn't doing all sorts of flips at those words.

He allowed himself a small smile again though. "And if that's what's gonna keep you smiling like this, I'm okay with that. I want whatever keeps that look on your face. You deserve that much." And kept him laughing of course, but for now Yuri kept that to himself. He wasn't quite ready to admit Flynn had the sweetest laugh he'd ever heard...

Flynn’s smile faded, not in disappointment but more because he was more focused on the meaning of Yuri’s words. Things being different… yes, he supposed that things would likely change a little bit. They were both rather touchy as teenagers, of course, and the two of them had done a lot of things together in front of the people in the Lower Quarter and Yuri had never really batted an eye to that before. 

What exactly was he worried about? Flynn would want to kiss Yuri at times but never in public if Yuri expressed discomfort in that. Hugging as well. Flynn wanted to shower Yuri in love if he was allowed but he could easily do that in private if Yuri wasn’t a huge fan of PDA. Truthfully, Flynn was also a bit shy when it came to others watching him. So if Yuri was concerned about that, he really didn’t have to be…

“I… suppose so?” Flynn raised an eyebrow, squeezing his hand in an effort to comfort him. “Things don’t have to change if you don’t want them to. If you’re uncomfortable, I can work around that. So long as you’re comfortable. But what do you mean how people see us?”

Whatever this was about, it was clearly plaguing Yuri’s mind and the man was struggling to put it into words. Flynn frowned, ready to step in and attempt to shoo away any doubts that Yuri might be having. If he was worried about what people might think, Flynn wasn’t going to let anyone try and become a problem. If the guilds had a problem with Flynn dating Yuri, he would honestly like to see them try and stop him. 

…Of course, as Flynn was mentally getting fired up, ready to argue that no one had a right to judge them for anything, Yuri finally admits what he was so caught up in his own head about, what he had suddenly gotten so shy and embarrassed about and… Flynn could really only laugh as his defensiveness washed away with it. 

“Y-Yes, Yuri… We are a couple, my love. Holding hands in public is a possibility, yes…” He has to actually cover his mouth with his free hand, stifling the small but fond laughter from slipping from his lips. 

Holding hands. That’s what Yuri was worried about. Holding hands in public. Somehow, it was so like him but also not. Yuri was maybe the most truthful man out there and yet, despite how truthful he was, he still had a hard time putting his thoughts out for all to see. But it was clear that he was working on it and Flynn couldn’t be more proud of him. 

Which is why he feels a little bad for laughing but it was less laughing at Yuri’s embarrassment and more just feeling overjoyed and fond of the man in front of him. The man who traveled the world and did the impossible, who could smooth-talk almost anyone if he wanted to, the man with such a massive attitude and the skills necessary for backing it up … was growing extremely shy over the idea of simply holding hands again in the future. 

How could Yuri possibly get even more endearing than he already was?

“I do plan on holding your hand more in the future, if you’ll allow it.” Flynn’s grin is wide with amusement and love as he pulls Yuri’s hands up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his palm. “In private, in public, wherever you feel comfortable with it. But how else will I be able to tell the world that you’re mine and I’m yours?”

It was a slightly possessive line that left Flynn rather embarrassed once the words left his mouth but that was one of Flynn’s… lesser concerns, as he usually had more important things to worry about,  but it was a concern nonetheless. Yuri was extremely attractive and the idea of someone, somehow, coming along and stealing Yuri’s attention from him was a thought he didn’t like to entertain. Yuri, to his credit, never seemed interested in anyone else so the chances of that happening were close to none… but never zero. 

“Is that alright with you?”