#i'd buy an entire fucking set just to fill in the ones i'm missing

[turtlemagnum]

i beat secret of mana!!!! here are some thoughts on it:

the best thing about the game hands down was the music. my only real problem with the soundtrack comes down to a matter of technical limitations, what with one of the tracks cutting out every time a sound effect happens. but the compositions themselves??? godddamn bangers, every last one, absolutely exemplary stuff

the gameplay was like if you took a link to the past and mixed it with morrowind and i mean that in the worst way possible. automatic dodging and random hit chances aren't fun, honestly, the gameplay was at times satisfying but only in the monkey brain "big number pop up when hit!!!" kinda way y'know. also, i fucking *hate* stun mechanics in video games, and this game was filled to the fucking brim with them. and they usually spaced it out long enough that you forget how goddamn wretched it is, horrible. i feel like the magic could've been improved if like, your MP regenerated juuust a little bit. like not enough to spam, obviously the devs don't want you to spam magic with how limited they make both using and replenishing your magic, but the first time i got to the final boss i had used literally all of my magic points AND all of my magic restoring items, and the final boss hard required you to use a specific spell in order to damage it. and it's like!!! they made the spell only one point!!! they could've just had you regenerate like, one point every few seconds and it would've had the restraint aspect that the devs clearly wanted but not softlocked me like that!!! it also would've incentivised me using the magic a lot more, meaning i actually would've leveled it up without grinding near the end!!!

pretty much all of the flaws i find in secret of mana feel intentional. random missing and dodging, well that's just an RPG thing, even if you can clearly see the sword making contact with the enemy. limited item and magic use are probably meant to keep the game from getting too easy, though i will say that 4 is probably a bit too low? i'm also just a fan of being able to buy as many of a specific thing as i can afford, and the game throws plentiful amounts of money your way. it's overall well designed albeit clearly not to my tastes, and i reckon intentionally so.

the story was alright for the time! they definitely backloaded it and let all of your attachment to the main characters come in the form of playing as them!! which, to be fair, worked! i felt a little sad at the ending!! spoiler warning, but the story bits near the end were really awkward where like, it turns you the main guy's mom turned into a tree and the faerie guy is like "it's ok!!! none of us have moms!!!!" and i think it's supposed to be an emotional, touching moment, but it just came across as kinda goofy. like, the goofy JRPG bullshit type story beats were minimal (as far as i'm aware that'd moreso come from the PS1 generation onwards), and i liked all the characters well enough, but i'd be lying if i said that most of the characterization for them didn't come from the gameplay and the exceptionally good music. personally, as a writer, i wouldn't just randomly give one of the main characters tree mom, but i'm a coward so of course i wouldn't. also, every fantasy setting should have santa as canonically real, that's just good writing

i loved the spritework!!! the ending screen especially, but the entire thing had some of the most beautiful spritework of its generation!!! i will say that at times, the sprites were a bit hard to read in the sense of like, what i'm able to walk on & what is and isn't a door, but those were mostly mild problems that cropped up very occasionally. i won't lie and say that progression wasn't obtuse at times, but to be fair part of that probably had to do with the fact that i didn't use the manual

overall, i think i fuckin loved secret of mana!! it's by no means a perfect game, but it's definitely a masterpiece and one of the standout titles of its generation!!! good fuckin game, go play it !!!

[messofmoss]

thursday, june 20, 2024

4:52am

it's been weeks since julia has told me she loves me back. i told her again, and all she said was thanks. maybe she doesn't anymore. maybe it annoys her when i tell her. i should just leave her alone.

she probably wouldn't even notice you're gone. or if she does, she would feel relief to finally be free of you. if you care about her, you'll leave her alone. just leave her the fuck alone.

5:05am

she doesn't want your love. just cris. your love is only agitating for her because you're not cris. love and attention from the wrong person is irritating. she doesn't give a fuck how you feel about her. she only keeps you around as a distraction from her cris feelings. that's all you ever were and you're not even a good one anymore. there is no point to your existence in her life. tbh there's no point to you at all. what good comes from your existence? two cats get cuddles a lot? they'd get cuddled by someone that could afford to take care of them better. they could get cuddled by someone who would clean their litter box more regularly. they could get cuddled by someone that lived in a house they could roam freely in. even they would be better off without you if you weren't so fucking selfish.

5:14am

why the fuck do you even care what she thinks anyway? she's boring as hell 80% of the time. she doesn't have a drop of whimsy in her body. your relationship is like she's a member of the crowd watching your comedy special. laughing ever so often and maybe answering a few questions now and then. 90% of this entire friendship is just you. she doesn't deserve you.

5:20am

do you think loaves of bread at the store want to be picked? like they know they're going to be eaten? or do they try to wish themselves invisible and silently scream when someone picks them up and sets them in their cart? would each slice be like taking a limb from them?

many times have i only wanted 1 loaf of bread but i saw only 2 there so i couldn't just leave the one behind because what if it felt unwanted or not good enough? what if it missed its friend? so i buy both. but what if that is a worse fate because now it has to watch me tear his friend apart limb from limb? that fucking sucks

10:09am

maybe i'm asexual??

8:44pm

what a day. i went downstairs to check on grandma and turned outlander on for us to watch. it was around 3 when i realized that there was an odd smell. turns out one of the stove burners was on and filling the house with gas. so i took grandma out to 3 cemeteries and we drove around in our nightgowns.

i called my dad while we were out to check on him because of the heat and all. i told him we were going out to sand lake union cemetery and so he asked me if i could go up taborton mountain to my uncle's house to get a microwave for him. so i did.

once i got home, i basically just read for the next couple hours. i'll probably start another book now that i've finished this one. it's easier to not think when i'm reading. well if the book is interesting enough. i'd rather be in their world than my own.

11:13pm

my hairdye finally arrived but i think i should wait to do it. i don't want toooo but it's so hot lately that i'll just sweat it off at work and dye my clothes and skin lol embarrassing that'd be.

11:20pm

julia sent me a selfie today without me asking and a voice message without me asking. then she sent two kissy faces when she went to bed instead of hearts.

it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything

but i want it to. i want to kiss her. she's so unbelievably pretty. how does she just wake up everyday and look like that? that's crazy.

she would never be interested in me. i'm like a fucking whale. an ogre. a troll. i feel like i am just ballooning more and more everyday.

my legs don't even feel like mine half of the time. they're like huge and each jiggle is so uncomfortable. like it feels foreign.

in general when i look in the mirror it doesn't feel like me. like who is that?

there was a period of time when i had like two sides of me. i called the other one emma. emma is a lesbian and more repulsed by men and doesn't want kids. vs katy who wants a traditional life with a man and children. i feel like i go through periods where i feel more like emma or more like katy. i actually had started a diary once where i was going to write journal entries and like sign them as katy or emma so i could see the difference more. but i am typically bad at keeping up with diaries.

i found it lol i only had one entry after this so not very helpful. maybe i could start it up again. though right now i feel kind of like neither of them.

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

Moony

Remus x Reader

Part 2

Summary - After you left Remus after telling him about your pregnancy, you're now trying to juggle being pregnant by yourself in a foreign country, along with your three best friends searching for you.

Trigger Warning - Cursing, mentions of abortion, angst, it's longish? I think that's all. Let me know if there's more though.

Italics are letters, Bold is unknown to the readers.

America.

That's the only way you can really describe it. It is, well, America. Some places are incredibly beautiful, some terribly ugly. Some incredibly cold, some unbearably hot. Some busier than Diagon Alley on the day all the kids come to buy their things, some slower than a virgin's bedroom.

You hadn't seen much, especially seeing as how you had only been there for a week, but it was already more than you expected. You expected a stern talking to, you expected a bed rest, you expected a midwife in every thirty minutes, and you definitely expected to have someone at your side every second of the day. But, that wasn't what you got.

Especially seeing as how, your Great Grandpa kicked the rest of your family out of the house before you arrived, not wanting his favorite grandkid to be in an uncomfortable home, especially while she was growing his two great, great grandkids.

He was incredibly wealthy, a pure blood from England gone American. You had been the only one that actively spoke to him and visited him as often as you could while he lived in England. Now, your family was watching the sand fall in his hourglass to see who got the most money from his will. Honestly, though, you could see the man living another 200 years - just to spite them all.

He had taken you out, shown you incredible things, although you were stuck in a stupid state of unbearable heat - Texas. Although, the heat had taken you out of the sweaters that had you crying every time you got a whiff of his scent, and into some beautiful maternity sun dresses. You had already sent 20 pictures to Molly.

You had yet to write to Lily though, but her owls came twice a day, at least. You were starting to worry that she would get on James' broom and follow the owl herself to find you. Her letters really all stayed the same.

Y/n, just tell me where you are. I won't tell Remus, or Sirius. Heck, I won't even tell James. Harry and I will come visit and I'll tell you all about how I beat Remus' arse. Or how James did....Or how Sirius did. But, please, just write me back. I love you. I miss you incredibly.

Then you had

Y/n, come on, you really have me worried. The entire order has heard about what happened and I think they're all freaking out each second like we are. We miss you. You're the ray of Hufflepuff joy we all need, the always Ravenclaw intelligence the boys really need, the absolute Gryffindor bravery in the craziest of situations that the order needs, and the Slytherin strength I need. Please, just write back.

Then, she got help from the boys - or, the ones you would be open to hear from.

Y/n, while I have to be honest, Lily is standing over my shoulder watching me write this, I was going to do it either way. Remus was an absolute arse, I understand that, but we miss you. Lily, Harry and I want nothing more than for you to be home, with us even. You don't have to see him, you really don't. We just want to be here for you through this time, the good and the bad. Please write back.

When that didn't work, you had a howler from Sirius.

Y/n Y/l/n, I swear, if you don't write me back, I'm gonna jump into the paper and send myself! I'm going absolutely crazy watching Lily freak out every day! You're the only one that can calm her, not even James is doing it! You're taking away my precious James time! I fucking miss you - okay? Moony is an absolute dick. He deserved you walking out on him, he really did, but please don't walk out on all of us too. Y/n, we miss you, we really do. Moony isn't even here anymore, he left after we all went to Molly's - Sirius, don't tell her that! - Shit, fuck, how do I scratch that? Uhhh, I didn't say that. Erase! Erase! Lily, how do I erase on a howler? Fuck. Whatever. I'm sure it erased. But, come home. I'll make James make you that surprisingly good chicken he makes and I'm sure Lily would love to give you some old baby momma clothes or whatever the fuck they're called. I just - we just - no, I miss you, okay? Come home.

Your heart broke, not just because Remus was missing, but because your friends were hurt.

You sat down at the table in your guest house, sighing softly. A quill and some parchment sat before you, your hand shaking as you dipped it into the ink.

Lily, James, and Sirius.

While I know I could write a letter to each of you separately, I'm almost positive you're all together, or you're gonna call each other as soon as you get my letter.

I'm okay, I think. Not as okay as I wish I was, I cry a lot. While I wish I could blame it on the hormones, I know it's not. Everything reminds me of him, even here. No, I'm not in England, I'm in the states. I'm staying with some family and I think it's doing me well. At least, I've started to own my pregnancy.

After what Remus said to me, my body broke. I just about hated the fact that I was pregnant. Not my kids, just that I was pregnant. But, with each day, I realize that this pregnancy is the thing I needed most. While I wish I didn't have to say this - it showed me the man Remus is. Does that mean I cry any less? Of course not - you guys know me.

But, I really don't think I can come home, at least not yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm to do. I love Remus with every fiber of my being, but how do you love a man that told you to get rid of your own children, the minute he gets home from a mission he could have died from? How do you let him hold you as he feels the two children you both created grow in your belly knowing he hates them?

I'm going to come home eventually, of course I am. And I already promised Molly I'll be back for a visit soon, and you guys are more than welcome to come visit once I teach my family how to properly floo in America - did you know they don't do that here? It's super weird. But, I love you three incredibly. I'm so sorry this has happened. Be safe.

Your heart broke as you debated on writing more, about what your heart was still set on. Remus. Where was he? Where did he go? Had they heard from him? Was he looking for you? But you couldn't bring yourself to ask them.

The owl was sent with their letter, leaving you in the silence once more.

How could you feel so absolutely alone when you had people wanting nothing more than to be with you? Is it what you thought you deserved? They were his friends before they were yours. You felt horrible that they were taking your side. You felt your heart ripping slowly with each beat it made in it's spot in your being. It was like one half of your heart was tied to Remus' and with each beat away from him, it tore you apart - slowly, filling you with excruciating pain.

Five minutes after the letter was sent, you were standing, trying to find a way to busy your mind.

Ten minutes after the letter was sent, you were crouching in the corner, the weight of your predicament pressing down on you so hard, it's like it formed hands and was set on pushing you six feet under without any hole dug for your body.

Twenty minutes after the letter was sent, your body was shaking with it's sobs once more, the loss of not only your spouse, but also the friends you loved almost as much as him.

An hour later, you had fallen asleep on the floor, your mind groggy and your heart tearing with each beat, your conscious hoping to pull you away from the pain your felt in the body that was supposed to be yours - but belonged to the man who seemed to not want you anymore.

It was dark, so incredibly dark. The only thing that was seen was the moon, halfway full in it's wake. The only thing heard was the pads of feet stomping on the ground as they ran. Ran where? Ran why? You could feel the pain in your chest, but it was like it wasn't your own. As you came to a stop, you looked at a building that seemed a familiar kind of unfamiliar - although that didn't really make much sense to you.

Before you realized it, you were slumped over the toilet, letting out the contents of your stomach. One of your hands pulled your hair to one side of your shoulder, keeping it there. But all you could think was how badly you wish it was Remus holding your hair, rubbing your back as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

But all that mattered today was to get through it, like any other day.

One day following the motions.

Two days following the motions.

Three, four, five days.

Until your hands were pulled from your face, the skin around your fingers almost chewed to nothing, the warm face of Lily standing before you.

"If I see you bite your fingers one more time, I'm going to hex them to taste like Harry's dirty diapers." She spoke, pulling you up from your spot on the couch.

"Lily - I." You stopped, looking around her to see James, Sirius, and Harry. "How?" You asked, looking back into the eyes of your best friend.

"Your great grandpa is super cool. I think he was getting tired of all the letters we were sending him too and gave us the floo network here to knock you out of whatever it is you're in." Sirius spoke, Harry on his shoulders, pulling at his hair.

"You guys-" You were cut off with Lily pulling you into her hold, her larger belly pressed against yours as you both attempted to properly hug one another.

"I have missed you, so much" Her voice was soft, uncommon for Lily. Her hands held you tightly, almost like she was holding onto you to make sure you didn't disappear once more.

"Come on Lils, other people missed her too." Sirius spoke to cause her to pull away and glare at the man. "If you weren't holding onto my kid, I'd have hexed you so hard for that." She said, moving to grab Harry from his shoulders as James wrapped you up in a hug himself.

"If we hadn't seen you for another day, I think Lily was going to fly off on my broom." He said, causing you to laugh at your own prediction.

You finally got to Sirius, his arms holding you tighter than the two. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, his hold growing tighter. "What are you sorry for, Siri?" You asked him, pulling away to look into his face.

"What he said, what he did. That's not what you deserved." He mumbled, pushing your hair back a bit. "I swear, I about pounded his face in at Molly's. I think Arthur had to separate me magically." He trailed off, looking at the floor.

His words brought tears to your eyes once more, your heart feeling empty, yet full. "That's not your fault, Sirius. We all knew he didn't want kids, but we weren't careful. I don't know why his reaction surprised me." You were honest with them, having thought this entire thing was truly your fault.

The three of them surrounded you, their eyes narrow with intent. "Y/n, the last thing this is, is your fault. You're his fiancée, not a random person. Either way, those are his kids. He shouldn't have treated you like he did." James spoke with meaning, wanting you to understand each word he spoke.

Somehow, the four of you relaxed enough to find yourself growing to bed. You showed Sirius his room, a place where James and Lily can lay Harry, and then their own room, before finding your way to your own.

You laid in bed, wide awake. You knew what tonight was, the night before the full moon, and knew that Remus was probably out wherever he was, already in pain. Every turn was different, it truly was, but each night before the full moon, his body ached, his bones almost softened, knowing they would be breaking and turning in 24 hours, and his head psyched him out, especially when you weren't there. This was now the third full moon your financé was to handle without you.

You refused to cry, knowing Lily always had a third sense to that stuff, and willed yourself to sleep. But, you laid there.

And laid there.

And laid there some more, until you couldn't handle the quiet, and found yourself moving out of the room and towards Sirius'.

You had slept with Sirius before, each time when Remus was gone and your heart could hardly handle it. Now, the three hearts inside of you couldn't stand the guilt of not being with him.

The door didn't creak when you opened it, none of the floor boards made a sound, but that somehow made it worse. Your feet carried you to the dark haired man, seeing his sleeping frame move, sensing another person there.

His eyes jerked open, coming to look at you as he smiled sadly. "How did I know you'd come in here. Just can't resist the charm, can you?" His voice was deeper, rougher from sleep. It calmed you, but never like Remus' did. You waddled closer to the man, his arms opening for you as you crawled into him.

You both laid in silence, but awake now, as you took in the moment.

"I miss him, Siri. I know I shouldn't, I know I should hate him, but my entire being misses him." Your voice was softer than his was, much softer, but it wasn't because you were afraid of him, but because you were afraid of your own truth.

"I know you do. I know he misses you too. You guys are kinda like Lily and James, meant to be. He's just, an absolute git for this." His fingers worked in your hair, rubbing your scalp and causing your eyes to close in comfort.

"I thought we were meant to be too. But, he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want us." At that, Sirius rested a hand at your bump, this being the first touch they really had beside your own. "He does, he's just stupid and scared. Either way, you have us. Aunt Lily, Uncle James, and, the absolute best uncle in the world, Uncle Siri. We've got you." His sensere words lulled you to sleep, a sleep where you felt safe and happy falling into.

You were running again, but it didn't feel like you were in danger. It felt like you were running to run, really. Which, was something you did not do. You weren't in the woods, but you didn't know where you were. All you did know is that you were still scared. Absolutely, bone crushingly scared.

With each step you took, the fear grew. How could you possibly be this scared? You were looking for something, but you didn't know what. You were shaking, but from both the cold and the fear. You were shaking. Shaking. Shaking

Shaking. "Y/n, wake up!" Sirius was looking down at you, his eyes full of excitement. "Your great grandpa is showing us the American version of Diagon Alley today!" You smiled up at him, nodding.

"Okay, okay, let me get changed."

The four of you had left your Grandpa once he settled himself down to play some wizards chess, waving you off.

"You know where the house is when you're done, I've got a title to keep."

You wandered through stores, showing them the few things you had learned so far about the wizarding world here. The four of you had just walked into their version of Flourish and Blotts when you were stopped by an older couple. "Oh, you both look absolutely wonderful! I remember when I was that pregnant. How far are you both?" she was smiling at you and Lily, growing closer to you.

"I'm due in about a week and a half. We already have one, Harry, who's staying with her family." She had pointed to you, smiling at the older woman. "Oh, I'd expect you to be due any day now. Seconds always come early and you look family dropped. What about you dear?" She had looked to you, glancing at your own belly.

"Oh, I'm only a few months along. Twins." You laughed, your hand resting protectively on your belly. "Awe, that's lovely. You both look radiant. Two amazing father's, I hope?" She now looked at James and Sirius, smiling at them. "Oh, no, I'm not the father. Our best mate is." Sirius spoke, gesturing to you. "Well, I dunno, is he?" He asked, looking at the three of you. "It's complicated." Lily said, smiling.

The older woman nodded, smiling. "I completely understand. I wish you both the best of luck." She bid you all adu, leaving with her husband.

"I can't tell if that was awkward or sweet." James laughed, leading you all to the door to leave.

You all laughed as you walked through the Wizarding space until you and Lily began complaining about the swollen ankles and bloated stomach enough to convince James and Sirius to guide you both home.

As the day turned into night, you now showing your friends the muggle artifacts your grandpa has collected from his move to the states. That was, until Lily groaned in pain.

"Fuck, she was right." The young woman grumbled, clenching her bump. "What do you mean?" James asked, his hand on her back softly. "He's coming early, James. I'm in labor, fuck." She groaned again, tilting her head back at the pain she was feeling for the second time in her life.

"Shit, Sirius, go find some towels. I'll go tell grandpa to write the healer for labor." You spoke, pointing Sirius in the direction of the towels before moving to Lily. "It'll be okay, okay? Everything will be fine." She nodded, gripping your hand tightly as she looked in your eyes. She smiled before groaning once more, a contraction hitting her. "Okay, okay, healer. You guys lay her down." Sirius returned with multiple towels, James and him laying a few out before helping Lily lay down on them.

You turned to waddle out of your home, attempting to get to your grandpa's house as quickly as possible.

Three steps towards his house, you heard a twig snap.

Five steps towards his house, you heard a thud.

Nine steps towards his house, a figure stopped before you, it's frame furry and bent, a growl releasing from his lips.

A werewolf.

How the fuck is a werewolf standing in front of you, in the middle of fucking Texas, in a populated muggle area?

You took a few steps backwards, until it clicked.

The only Werewolf that would spend his full moon looking for you was the same werewolf that has plagued your mind for the past month.

Moony.

~

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[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Three [PT.2]

Words: 4.2k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, mentions of drug abuse

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It's incredibly quiet and filled with tension as Amber looks at Nikki and I, curiously. 

We haven't been to therapy in over a week. 

Nikki hasn't come back to fucking rehab until yesterday and it took me threatening divorce again. 

"Well," Amber starts, smiling at us. "How was your time together?" 

"Good." We both lie simultaneously and Amber raises her brows. 

"Really?" 

"Yep." Nikki says, flatly. 

"Like we're dating for the first time all over again." I add, unenthusiastically. "Exactly how it was when we first started dating. Just minus the sex." 

Nikki huffs out a breath. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Vivian--"

"--Don't bring Jesus into this. Jesus isn't anywhere to be found in this situation."

"It was one night, Viv, cut me a goddamn break." 

"I've been cutting you a break for the last six years, Nikki, I'm done cutting people breaks. You need to cut me some respect--"

"--Some respect? After the shit you pulled, are you fucking me right now?" 

"No, I'm not fucking you right now, no more than you've fucked me the entire time you've been home." 

"Oh, my God."

I slowly start being pulled from my sleep when I feel a tickle up the side of my foot, my ankle, up the back of my calf then my thigh, my hip, up my spine...I feel my body jolt awake only to be trapped under someone for a moment. 

"Shh, shh, it's just me." Nikki assures me in a whisper, looming over me. 

"Oh," I mumble, sighing when he kisses my shoulder blade. 

I try to go back to sleep but my eyes force themselves open, and I look over my shoulder. 

"Why the hell aren't you in rehab, Nikki?!" I ask him, sharply, confused. "How the fuck did you even get in here?! How did you even know where I live?!" 

"I checked out for a few days so I could see you." He explains. "And Sharise let me borrow her key and gave me directions. I wanted to surprise you."

"You what?!" 

"Wanted to surprise you?" 

I sit up and he falls beside me, stretching out over the bed. 

"You checked out of rehab?!" 

"I missed you and Tommy and Vince missed their girls so we just decided to check out for a few days and visit and then we're going back Monday...like a four month long weekend." He explains. 

"You can't do that!" 

"It was highly advised against it by our counselors but let us leave." He shrugs. "And you know what? I've been back in L.A. for an hour and I don't feel the itch to go party like I used to. I think rehab's working." He tells me. 

"...You checked out of rehab…to come home...and you're going back?" 

"Yep."

"Just like that?" 

"Just like that." 

"Like you won't be tempted to do anything you're not supposed to do?" 

"I won't be because I'm gonna be with you the whole time." He shrugs. 

"You do realize how arrogant you sound right now, right?" 

"I'm not interested in drugs or anything anymore, Viv. I've gotten past that." He states. 

"Nikki," I start. 

"Don't say it like that." 

"How else am I suppose to say it?" I ask, raising my brows, looking at him, pointedly. 

He just rubs his lips together and smirks. 

"I know a few ways you can say it." He runs his hand up and down the side of my leg and I raise a brow. 

"You left rehab to get your dick wet." I tell him, knocking his hand off of me, laying back down. 

"No, I didn't." He denies. 

"Okay, then go sleep on the couch." I suggest. 

"No." He argues. "I wanna hold you." 

"Oh, please, Nikki, we both know what that turns into." 

"What does it turn into?" He asks, knowingly. 

"You know what it's gonna turn into." I state. 

"Vivian, baby," he slides his hand over my hip bone, squeezing it for a second, making my skin prickle and heat up. 

"Don't, 'baby,' me." I can't bring myself to push his hand away this time, I just turn my back to him. 

It's quiet for a moment and I feel him shift beside me, before his lips press to my bare shoulder, then my jaw, then my temple, and I'm rolling to my back, my lips brushing against his, my fingers going to his soft hair, a smile coming to my lips as I say, "couch," and push him away from me, turning back over to face away from him and snuggling into my covers. 

He mumbles under his breath and grabs the pillow from that side of the bed, leaving me alone. 

After a moment of trying to go to sleep, I can't bring myself to. 

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 

I pull my blankets off and drag a throw with me as I go to the living room. 

He's taking up the entire couch, and his eyes are closed but I know he's not asleep. 

I crawl on him and he groans, looking at me with furrowed brows.

"Your knee is in my thigh." He grumbles as I try to pull my blanket around myself. 

I just blink down at him. 

"Fine." He winces, sitting up as best as he can, helping me pull the blanket up around my shoulders before he's sliding his hands to my waist and we both lay down. 

I lay my head on his chest and he rubs at my scalp with his fingers. 

"I've missed you, too." I say to him quietly. 

"I know." He replies. "The Sixxter tends to have that effect on chick--ow!" He hisses, tensing up. 

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize your junk was there." I lie, playing off me digging my nails into his crotch was an accident. 

I knew him leaving rehab, even for a few days, posed a threat to his road to recovery. My biggest fear was his dealers hearing he was back. They'd sniff him out and lure him in and I'd lose him again. I couldn't let that happen, and it terrified me to think that it could. But it also made me feel better to see him in a setting that didn't involve stail coffee, therapists, and other recovery patients near by. There wasn't any privacy in rehab--not that we really needed any.

The next morning I'm waking up to the smell of food, good food. Being that I burn most anything I try to cook now (I blame my pregnancy brain), it's nice to be able to smell breakfast without the heavy blanket of charr attached to it. 

I stretch where I've been left on the couch under the fluffy blanket I brought in last night, sitting up and pulling it off of me before going to the bathroom and making myself look somewhat presentable with a toothbrush and a hair brush, hoping and praying that whatever he's cooking up doesn't make me sick. 

I get in the kitchen and see him in front of the stove, and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my cheek to his shoulder blade, and I feel him rub at my arms that are tightly around him, chuckling. 

"Good morning," he says, looking at me over his shoulder. 

I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek. 

"Good morning." I reply, pulling away, grabbing a glass and getting some water. 

I take advantage of him not paying attention to examine any changes. 

I noticed the other day he'd been working out. I see now exactly how much alcohol bloat he's lost, and how much muscle he's built back up. 

His hair and skin even looks healthier, he's gotten his "glow" back to his once pale, sallow looking appearance. 

I reign in my hormones, chugging my water and getting another glass full. 

When he turns around to get the sausage out of the pan and onto a plate, I eye his crotch area, seeing that he's obviously not wearing underwear under his shorts and I'd be lying if I said I don't stare.

"I hope you still like sausage." He comments, oblivious to my eyes on his goods, not even looking in my direction, too busy with trying to get breakfast done. 

"Oh, I do." I comment, taking another few gulps of water, letting my eyes trail down his thighs for a moment. 

Sweet Jesus. 

He is certainly fearfully and wonderfully made. 

"Ahem," he clears his throat and I flick my gaze to his face. 

I've been caught. 

"Whatcha looking at?" He asks me and I shake my head a little. 

"I like those shorts." I lie, shrugging it off. 

"Mmhmm." He doesn't buy it for a second. 

"I do!" I defend myself. 

"I'm sure it's the shorts you like." He comments. 

"Well...I like what's inside the shorts." I blatantly correct myself and he squeezes his eyes closed and laughs. 

"Welcome home, Nikki." He says to himself and I finish my water as he turns the stove off. "It's ready if you wanna make a plate." He offers. 

"Maybe we should give it a few minutes to cool off." I suggest, slowly getting closer to him. 

"Um, I think it's okay." He brushes it off, shrugging, not paying attention. 

"I think we should let it cool off." I state again, my fingers teasing at the top of his shorts, and he looks at me. 

"Get away from me, you freak." He laughs out, shooing my hands off of him.

"Oh, I'm the freak?" 

"You were trying to blow me before therapy the other day and now you're trying to get it in while I'm trying to eat." He points out, still laughing. "I know I'm a lot to handle but just chill out." He smiles, raising his brows. 

"I don't know if you're being serious right now or not." 

"I'm being serious." He points at me. "Now get a plate and let's eat." He adds. 

"You don't want to mess around?" 

"I didn't say that." He states.

"Okay, then food can wait, c'mon," I grab his hand and try to tug him out of the kitchen.  

"Viv," he says as I plant my feet on the floor and use both hands to try to tug at him, my socks sliding against the tile but I try my hardest to get him to move. 

He waits patiently before I'm falling on my ass after slipping, still holding his hand, letting out a breath. 

I let his hand go and lay on the floor, groaning. 

"Are you done?" He asks me, raising a brow. 

"I'm horny." I say it flatly, staring at the ceiling. 

"I can see that." He says, looking between my legs where I feel a wet spot in my panties. 

Great. 

"Nikki, you're being difficult." 

"How?" 

"I wanna fool around, you wanna fool around, we should just fool around. But you don't want to, even though you just said you do." 

"Viv--"

"I haven't gotten thrown around and fucked into a coma in over six months." I blurt, crossing my arms, looking up at him from my place on the floor. 

"...He couldn't scratch that itch after all, huh?" He asks, amused, smirking, and I cut my eyes at him. 

"Because he has morals." I reply. 

"Interesting." He replies. 

We sit in silence for a second, and he nudges me with his foot. 

"Are you gonna survive without jumping my bones?" He asks and I sigh, sitting up. 

"I guess." 

He helps me up and we get our food and sit on the couch while we watch cartoons and eat. 

I notice him staring at me every once in awhile, but I don't pay any attention to him. 

My feelings are hurt, as childish as that sounds. 

It usually doesn't take much to get Nikki into bed, and he's always been up for it whenever I hinted at anything...or blatantly told him I was horny. 

But now things are different. 

A part of me thinks its because he sat down and really thought about the fact I cheated on him.

Maybe that makes me disgusting in his eyes. 

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant--even though I'm only starting to show. 

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant with the dude's baby that I cheated on him with. 

I can see that ruining his libido. 

I just try not to pay much attention to it, but it's nagging me slowly. 

After I finish eating I'm taking my empty plate to the kitchen and heading to my bedroom. 

"Where you going?" He asks me as he puts his plate in the sink, too. 

"Back to bed." I tell him. "I'm really sleepy." 

"Oh," He replies, not looking all that convinced.

"See you when I wake up." I add.

"Yeah, I'll see you then." He says back. 

I shut the door and crawl into bed, wiping the growing tears from my eyes before they even hit my cheeks. 

I wake up a little later and stretch out, hearing the shower running in my bathroom. 

I just lay in bed for a few minutes until I hear it turn off and in a couple minutes, he's coming in the room with a towel wrapped around him, his hair wet.  

He notices I'm awake and grins, coming over to the bed. 

"Hey," he leans over me, pecking me on the lips. 

"Hey." I reply, my voice still tired, his hand running over my side. "What time is it?" 

"Like, one o'clock, maybe," he replies, about to move away from me. 

"Wait, c'mere," I grab his hand and he furrows his brows. 

"What is it?" He asks me.

I don't say anything, just looking at him, and he chuckles. 

He reads my mind and leans down, lips catching mine before his tongue slips into my mouth. 

I softly hum, my hand going to his hair, his hand fumbling through the covers to find my hip and dig his fingers into it. 

My hands soon go to his towel, about to tug it off but he pulls away and catches his breath. 

"I'm gonna go get some clothes on and head to the store to get some things for dinner tonight...you want anything?"  

Yeah. Sex with my husband. 

"No, thanks." I reply, calmly. 

"Alright, I'll see you later." He kisses me one last time and leaves the room and I rub my hands over my face.

"There's nothing to get so pissed off about, Vivian, it's not a big deal." 

"For once in his life Nikki Sixx doesn't want to hump something, even when his own wife tries to start something, so yeah, to me it is a big deal." I argue. 

"No, it's not, it's not that serious." 

"Do you not understand what it's like to be pregnant and hormonal and just wanting to have a good time with the person you love and they don't want anything to do with it?"

"Oh, c'mon, Vivian. Me not wanting to have sex with you doesn't have anything to do with you in particular." 

"Pretty sure it does since you've had no problem screwing other women behind my back when I couldn't do a good enough job." I throw at him. 

"Woah, woah, woah, that was fucking months ago, Vivian, and I was fucked up and sick." He snaps. "And it wasn't because you couldn't do a good enough job, it was because you wouldn't even try to do a job at all. You'd just lay there and be uninterested, like you were just waiting for me to get the fuck off of you. Matter of fact, I distinctly remember you actually saying, 'are you finished yet? I'm getting sleepy.' And I get that you were depressed and in a funk but shit like that happened multiple times, sometimes for weeks, over the course of our marriage. You know how that made me feel, thinking I couldn't even please my own wife?" 

"Oh, God, Nikki, I can't even imagine that pain. Thinking, 'why am I not good enough? Why am I not attractive to my spouse? Why am I not still desired'," I start, sarcastically. "Oh, shit, actually, yeah. Yeah, I fucking can imagine it because I tortured myself with the same questions anytime you chose going out with your buddies over a night in with me, anytime you chose hiding in your closet with drugs over coming to bed, and not to mention the time, gee, I don't know--I found out you had a mistress, who I was friends with, that you would fuck in our house!" 

"Think you got pretty even with me on that being that I found a couple used condoms  that didn't belong to me, under our bed!"

"That can't possibly be my fault being that me and him never used condoms!" 

"You don't fucking say!" He motions to my stomach.

"Fuck this." I state, harshly, standing up and grabbing my purse. 

"Vivian," Amber starts. 

"No. No. No. Fuck you, fuck him, fuck this. I'm fucking done. We tried rehab, we tried therapy, obviously it's not working or he wouldn't have come home and fallen off the wagon!" 

"Ever considered maybe I fell off the wagon so early on because you kept nagging me for days on end?!" He stands up. 

"You didn't want anything to do with me fucking sober, but as soon as you were under the influence of something, I'm suddenly so fucking beautiful and you're wanting to 'fuck the shit outta me'?! Do you not realize how fucked it is that you only want me when you're fucking on something?!"

The next few days consists of me being unable to keep my...urges...barely at bay, all while Nikki has no problem ignoring my hints--more so blunt statements at times--that I'm in the mood. 

He just laughs it off or teases me about it or pretends he doesn't know altogether. 

I just do what I've been doing: being my own lover. 

But there's just some things he can do to me that I can't and it's hard to accept that reality. 

I raise my brows when I peek my head into my bathroom, seeing Nikki fixing his hair, only wearing boxers. 

"Where you getting dolled up to go?" I ask, crossing my arms. 

"Me and Tommy are going out." He tells me and I raise my brows. 

"Oh." I reply, rubbing my lips together. 

I don't know how to tell him I'm having my surgery tomorrow to have my uterine abnormality taken care of...I've been meaning to tell him but just can't. 

I was hoping he'd still be in rehab and wouldn't even really have to know I got it done until later. 

I don't want him to worry. 

"You wanna come with us?" He asks next, grinning at me in the mirror. 

I don't know if that's a good idea." I mumble, that article written about that open letter from those anonymous roadies flashing through my mind. 

"C'mon, baby, it'll be fun."

"I don't feel good enough to go out on the town right now." I admit. "What are you guys gonna do while you're out?" 

"Probably go to the Tropicana or something." He shrugs and I raise my brows. 

"...Oh." 

"Like I said, Viv, you can come with us." He turns and looks down at me and I just smile as best as I can and shake my head. 

"No, I'm okay." I assure him. 

He looks a little disappointed but brushes it off, leaning down and kissing me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his hands smoothing over my ass, and I giggle as he pulls me up to snake my legs around him, kissing my cheek and my neck before hugging me to him, making me squeeze him to me tightly. 

"I love you, Nikki." I tell him, closing my eyes. "I really do."

"I know, Viv." He says back. "I love you more."

"And like always, it's Vivian's fault Nikki's a fucking addict! It's Vivian's fault Nikki's drinking so much! It's Vivian's fault Nikki's so unbearable to be around! It's all that slut's fault because she's a fucking crazy snake-cunt, she-satan that steals, kills, and destroys, and he's left with no choice but to try to numb himself to get outta her grasp!  It's all her fucking fault, even when she's pregnant!" 

I storm out and slam the door behind me, stomping down the hall. 

"Vivian Sixx, don't you fucking walk away from me!" He shouts after me, following me. 

"Vivian Kinston! I don't wanna be a fucking Sixx anymore--I don't wanna be associated with you, you fucked up prick!" I scream back. "Matter of fact, I'm glad I didn't have any of those goddamn kids of your's or else I'd be fucking answering to you the rest of my fucking life!" 

I wake up when I hear the front door open, my eyes shifting to my clock. 

2:00a.m. 

"Fuck," I hear him whisper to himself, dragging his feet to the kitchen…

The sink turns on, a cabinet slams open, a glass shatters on the floor. 

"Fuck." He repeats, cutting the sink off. 

I furrow my brows and sit up in the bed, slowly slipping off the mattress, tip-toeing out to see what he's up to.

"Nikki?" 

"Do you--do you have a broom?" He asks in a slur, motioning to the broken glass on the floor. 

"Yeah, I do." I tell him. 

"Okay, I um, I…" he trails off, eyes on me, drifting down my bare legs, holding his gaze on my lace panties. "...I need it." He finishes, hand reaching down to readjust himself. 

"Have you been drinking?" I ask him, leaning against the doorway.

"A couple shots, nothing I couldn't handle." He replies, walking closer to me. "Something else I can handle, too." He says more so to himself and I take in a breath when his hands grasp at my hips. 

"You smell like tequila." I tell him. 

"It was just a couple drinks." He insists, leaning down, pressing his lips to mine. 

"Just a couple?" I ask when I pull away, and he nods, pulling me back to him, kissing me again, our tongues meeting. 

His hands are tugging at my tank top, pulling it over my head. 

"You're so beautiful." He tells me, licking up my neck and I let out a soft sigh, running my hands down his back, tears in my eyes…

I close my eyes and my mind flashes back. All those times he'd come in drunk or high or both...either telling me how wonderful I am, or wanting to fight…

"Nikki, wait," I force myself to pull away from him as he trails kisses over my breast. 

"What is it?" He asks me, trying to get me close again. 

"You're drunk, Nikki, alright? I don't want to do anything while you're like this." I admit and he just stares at me. 

"Excuse me?" 

"You're drunk. I don't want you to--"

"--You bitch at me all fucking week about your fucking sexual frustration but as soon as I wanna piece of ass you're suddenly too good for me?" 

"Nikki, you're drunk." I state. "I'm not too good for you, but I'm not just gonna be the cumrag you get off on and pass out in a drunken stupor." 

"You never complained about it before." He states. "All the other times you were on your knees with your mouth wide open begging me for it like a cock-starved whore." He adds. 

"That was before. You aren't even supposed to be drunk, Nikki." I sneer. 

"Well, I am,Vivian, you wanna fucking crucify me over it? Huh?!" 

"All of your hard work the past weeks...gone." I remind him. 

"Fuck off." He shoves past me. "If you're not gonna give me any pussy--"

"--Maybe I would if you were sober, asshole, ever consider that?" I snap. 

"I wanna fuck the shit out of you, I've considered that." He states and I feel my face heat up. 

"You're being a pig, right now." I ignore him, turning to go back to bed, pissed and tired. 

"C'mon, baby," he complains from outside my locked door and I roll my eyes. "Baby, seriously, can't we talk about this?" He asks next. "Baby!" He calls. 

I open the door and bitterly mock his voice, "'oh, baby, I'm so sorry, oh, baby, you're so beautiful, oh, baby, just gimme a blow job and it'll completely wipe away the fact that I'm a fucking drunk, ridiculous, asshole, oh, baby, baby, baby, baby'!" I slam the door back in his face. 

"...Well, I never said I was fucking sorry!" He says next. 

"Fuck off, Nikki!"

He snatches me by my wrist, and I see him raise his fist from the corner of my eye as I turn to face him, and I tense up and expect him to hit me but his fist collides with the wall by my head, my hand coming up to my mouth to keep from being too loud in my hysteria, tears rolling down my cheeks as he gives three solid punches to the painted cement bricks. 

He's crying, too, and his hand loosening around my wrist, his face red, his body shaking as he lets out a pained noise and heaves out breaths, his eyes closed.

[angelsswirl]

Petrichor

Five

"Life's too short to even care at all. I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing my mind. Losing control."

"Boy, do I wish I had your problems. You have two eligible, successful, and hot alphas fawning over you, and you think that's a dilemma?" Lisa laid down on the blanket carefully. A sliver of the bottom of her stomach poking out from her (actually it is clearly Jennie's) shirt.

You incessantly shook your head. Your hair waved ever so slightly in the draft it created. It's a much welcome reprieve from the heat of Central Park. 

The blanket is placed on a neat patch of grass under a large tree. The large tree that the two of you had sat under many a time during undergrad. This is where you would come when being an adult got to be a little too much and you needed to get away and decompress.

And now, that seemed to be just the case for you. How did Lisa not see the distress this had put you under? It was a curse, not a blessing. 

Though, you put yourself into this mess supposedly and you were going to get yourself out. Somehow. Someway.

"I'm going to have to decide. Preferably, before they find out about each other."

But that was proving to be much more of a herculean feat than you were expecting.

Last night, or well, this morning had been a close call. You weren't really thinking when you had left Rosé's. Just that Lia needed you, and maybe that was the omega in you operating more than anything. The overwhelming urge to nurture, and care for, and fix, and mend, clawing to get out.

"Yeah, maybe leaving one to go rush to the other just after fucking wasn't your best moment, but what's done is done." Lisa shrugged or did the best she could while laying on her side.

"But, I feel so bad. You didn't see the way she looked at me. Or didn't look at me. She looked so betrayed. She practically kicked me out. I felt like a whore." 

"Hey! I know some pretty cool whores. Don't talk about my friends in that negative tone of voice."

You rolled your eyes, "I cannot stand you, you know that?"

Lisa only shrugged again and brushed her bangs out of her eyes.

"How do you know Jisoo anyway?"

"She didn't tell you? Jennie's best friend is her kid's mom."

Your nose scrunched up, "Jihyo is Lia mom? I knew I didn't like that chick for a reason!"

"Yep! That's why Jennie dislikes her."

"She hates Jisoo for taking care of the kid her best friend dumped on her?"

"No, she hates that Jisoo got her pregnant in the first place."

"But Jihyo abandoned the kid?"

"I never said Jennie was logical, besides Jennie hasn't talked to Jihyo in years. Probably stopped around the time Lia was born."

You shook her head, "You married an idiot."

"Yeah, but she's hot and her dic-"

"If Jennie hates Jisoo so much, why did she invite her to the party?"

"Hate is a strong word, she doesn't hate her really. Just a very strong dislike. But she didn't invite her, I did. Because I like Jisoo. She's funny. And single. And you're single and you like to laugh. And I was trying to set you up okay! But you fucked it up by being a damn alpha magnet." Lisa began to pout dramatically.

"Yeah, well your facts are wrong anyway. Jisoo is not funny." You frowned petulantly.

Lisa rolled her eyes harshly, "You're petty. Anyway, how's your mom?"

You sighed heavily, thinking back to the last conversation you had with your mother a few days prior, "She's not worse. But she isn't better either. They think it's her kidneys. She goes in for a few more tests in two weeks."

Lisa leaned up to place a comforting hand on your thigh, "She'll be okay." 

You only nodded.

"Something's been bothering me, though," Lisa said after a bout of comfortable silence.

"What?" You continued to stare at the expanse of green grass in front of you.

"You smell different." Lisa looked a bit concerned, which didn't serve to make you feel any better, "Not like in a bad way. You remember back in college after Jennie's and I's first date?"

You nodded. You remembered it vividly, if only because you were was bored out of your mind and lonely, waiting for Lisa to come back. You had really needed to make new friends.

"When I got back you said I smelled different. Then we later found out it was because Jennie imprinted on me." Lisa paused, waiting for you to fill in her blanks.

"You know I'm slow, Lali. You're going to have to tell me."

Lisa rolled her eyes, "I think one of those knotheads imprinted on you!"

"Well, which one? And what does that even really mean?" This was beginning to feel all so new. You felt like an amateur surrounded by a bunch of professionals.

"It doesn't really work like that, Y/N/N. Whoever did it probably knows they did it by now. But, it's not a conscious thing. It just happens. They kind of realize they did it over time. It means she chose you. You're kind of it for her. You're probably going to start feeling a bit weird in the next few days. Imprinting forms little fledgling bonds, and whatever super intense emotion they feel, you're going to feel it too."

"That makes all of this a hundred times worse! I'm just going to have someone else's emotions in my head, and I won't even know whose they are. What if I pick the wrong one?"

"Yeah, maybe you were right. This doesn't sound that cool anymore, but if it makes you feel better, you, Y/N Y/L/N, have never made a bad decision in your entire life. You're smart, you're thoughtful, and I have the utmost confidence that you will do what's right for you." Lisa rubbed your back.

"Besides, I think the answer might be as simple as who you miss the most right now."

"I don't miss either of them. I just saw them."

"Your knees pulled into your chest and the rocking back and forth say something entirely different."

You looked down at your position. You scowled before slowly unfolding yourself.

"I was sitting like that because Jisoo made me sad."

The corner of Lisa's mouth hitched up, "I'm sure that's part of the reason."

"You're insufferable."

Lisa only laughed.

"Anyway, enough about my Twilight love triangle. How are you and my niece?" You finally turned so you were actually facing Lisa. 

"Your nephew and I are doing just fine."

You squealed loudly, "It's a boy?!"

"We found out yesterday." Lisa smiled softly.

"Oh my God! I'm going to buy him so many pink things! You can name him after me!"

"That's not-"

"I can see it now. Y/N Jesse Kim and his entirely pink wardrobe." You stood up quickly. The blanket crumpled under your feet, causing Lisa to frown. She had spent like twenty exhausting minutes trying to get it spread completely flat.

"How'd you know his middle name would be Jesse?"

"Because I've met your wife."

Lisa chuckled loudly, "Why do you hate her so much?"

"Hate is a strong word. I don't hate Jennie really. Just a very strong dislike." You deadpanned.

"If I wasn't 5 months pregnant I'd kick your ass."

You shook your head in disbelief, "5 months, wow. I'm surprised Jennie let you out of her sight."

"She didn't. She's sitting right there." Lisa pointed to a bench about 30 feet away from them. Sure enough, there she sat. Patiently waiting for the two to finish talking. She idly kicked an old soccer ball between her feet. She waved excitedly when she noticed them staring. Lisa rolled her eyes and waved back.

"Some days I think about hiring a hitman. But then she says something stupid and I remember I'm in love with her. I brought this on myself." 

Jennie began to attempt to juggle the ball at her feet to impress the two of you. She failed miserably.

Lisa and you try not to laugh. You also fail miserably. Jennie pouted on the bench.

"I missed this. I missed you." You nudged the other omega with your sandal. 

"Don't get all sappy on me now. We were just making fun of my wife!"

"I'm being serious!"

"I know. I missed you too. You know you can call if you want to talk. It doesn't even have to be important. Jennie has me on house arrest, so I'm bored out of my mind. Please call me. I'm begging." Your lip trembled, then you (softly) lunged at your best friend. Lisa hugged you back with a smile.

Jennie growled somewhere in the distance.

"I will literally kick that ball at your head, Jennie! And I won't miss like you just did!" You yelled at the alpha.

Jennie stopped growling.

"Oh! Forgot to ask. How big is Rosé?"

"I don't -very-know what you're talking about," You smirked slyly.

Lisa gave you a discreet fist bump.

[aimee-does-things]

The Big Easy Decision

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

The whole world can change in a week. We've seen it happen over and over again in 2020. We started the year with the devastating loss of our cat Soggy. He was a stray who showed up at my doorstep when I moved into my last apartment in mid-2019. He would greet me whenever I got home, rolling over to show his belly. He was always happy, and because of the constant rain in Florida, always wet, thus the name, Soggy. When Hurricane Dorian was on the way, I got worried about the little cat that seemed to live on my front porch. I took him in, bathed him, treated him for fleas, and let him ride out the storm in my apartment. Once the storm had passed, my boyfriend George and I took him to the vet to get his shots. He stayed with us for three months. One fateful day in January of this year, I walked into the hallway and noticed a trail of feces. "These damn cats!" My first thought was to grab the paper towels and bleach. But why would they have pooped all over the floor? 

I looked toward the bedroom and saw Soggy's tail twitching. "Soggy?" I said nervously as I peeked behind the door. There, curled on the floor, was Soggy. Mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes fogged over, twitching. We were immediately in the car driving down the street to the vet. We were too late. The vet said she thought it was a stroke. We buried him in the back yard and spent the next week in tears. We had lost our baby, and the year had just started. It was devastating, but we were optimistic; it was January, and we had plenty of time to make happy memories for 2020. February and early March were sprinkled with good and bad. George lost an old friend to depression, but we got to see one of his best friends get married, and we took a trip with his Nephews and my son to the NBA Experience in Orlando, Florida, and had a fantastic time.  

In mid-march, COVID-19 had become a worldwide pandemic, and we were in lockdown. George is an actor, so he was entirely out of work, and I was worried that I'd soon lose my job. The bad of 2020 certainly seemed to be taking over. In June, I tested positive for COVID-19; even though I hadn't gone out (I had even been having my groceries delivered), I was supposed to paint a sign for The Riverside Children's Arts Center, where I work. I had been delaying it because I didn't want to go to the hardware store to buy the supplies I needed. On June 24th, I decided to wear a mask and get the stuff. I walked in, stealthily dodging people, staying ten feet away from everyone I saw, went straight to the lumber section, grabbed my piece of wood, and did self-check-out. I got back to my car, doused myself in hand sanitizer, and went straight home. Later that day, I realized that I couldn't smell anything. I was hesitant to tell George because I didn't want to be locked up in a room by myself for 14 days. But I did the right thing. I quarantined myself and got tested. It took ten days for my results to get back to me, but I was sure I had it. I was coughing, had shortness of breath, going to the bathroom made me feel like I had run a marathon. I had so much resentment for that stupid sign. 2020 was totally sucking, but I am happy to say I have made a full recovery, including regaining my sense of smell.

It's been a prolonged year. It's August, and losing Soggy seems like something that happened ten years ago. Since March, George and I have started a nightly routine of drinking hot tea on the front porch in the evenings before bed. This past Friday, during our porch time, we came up with a crazy idea. What if we went on a road trip out to California and back? We talked for over an hour; I gushed about my love for California; it's my home. The next morning when I opened my eyes, George was already awake, he greeted me with his bright blue eyes and sparkling smile, "So, are we doing this?" I knew exactly what he was talking about, "Yes!"

At breakfast, we had a more serious discussion about it. Could we actually travel across the country with only a few day's notice? More importantly, could we travel across the country during a pandemic? I guess the even more important question was actually, should we travel across the country during a pandemic? I know that the most obvious answer is no, we shouldn't. But I had spent most of 2020 indoors, and our recent venture out to Americus, Georgia, had me aching to travel again. So I justified it like this: we want to go. That's it. Now, I'm not thinking that I'm immune to COVID just because I already had it, and I don't believe that a mask is going to protect me from everything, and I'm not one of those people that's like, "Fuck the coronavirus, I do what I want." But I am someone who wants to enjoy life, and see the world. So we decided that we would go, and we would be as careful as possible. As someone that's done a decent amount of traveling, I was very uncertain about how exactly we'd have a fulfilling vacation with so many things being different. So we packed our things, and plenty of hand sanitizer and face masks, and we headed out on the road.  

Our first stop was New Orleans, Louisiana. While I had been to Louisiana many times, I had never been to New Orleans, and George visited last when he was eight years old. So it would be a new experience for both of us. The first day of the trip included driving through Alabama and Mississippi. When I was younger, I looked really young. I mean, when I was in 7th grade, I could have passed for seven years old. I spent nearly all junior high feeling insecure, and like I was being judged for what I was wearing because my mom would dress me in matching short sets meant for 7-year-olds. I thought those feelings had long been forgotten until I wore a face mask in Alabama. At one of our restroom stops, there was even a man that looked at me, smirked, and stood so close he was touching my shoulder as he browsed the donut case. He let out a light chuckle as I immediately stepped away, not just because of COVID, but because, ew!

We arrived in New Orleans around 3 pm, and checked into our Hotel. We had a goal to try to spend no more than $50 per night on hotels and had managed to find a Motel 6 for $47 per night taxes included. I love staying at fancy 4-star hotels, which probably goes without saying, because who really is against luxury? That said, I'm not above staying somewhere cheap, especially if it means more money for my favorite part of travel; the food. It was everything you'd expect a $47 per night motel to be, no-frills, and pretty shabby. The room itself was okay; they provided us with two towels, a tiny soap, and sheets that looked clean, minus the cigarette burns. We wiped everything in the room down with disinfectant wipes (just to make sure.) After resting awhile and getting cleaned up, we headed out to check out the French Quarter about which we'd heard so much. I was delighted with the Creole townhouses and cottages that lined the streets, New Orleans Square was always my favorite area of Disneyland as a kid, and seeing the real-life version was very exciting. We decided to go for a walk down Canal Street and Bourbon street because as tourists, that was our job. It wasn't terribly crowded, but there were still plenty of street performers out filling the air with music and a sense that everything was fine, and life is entirely normal, which is everything I would expect from Louisiana in general. The city's downside was a massive homeless population and panhandlers that ask for money seemingly every few feet. We decided to risk going inside a restaurant for dinner; we ate at Olde Nola Cookery, which we found based on online reviews. We both had catfish, which was terrific, and the restaurant staff took extra care to keep germ free. They wore masks properly, gloves when serving food, and even had digital menus so that we didn't have to touch a menu used by anyone else. After dinner, we were exhausted from our trip and returned to our rented rat's nest to sleep.

We awoke the next morning at 7 am, and by eight we were out at breakfast. We chose Two Chicks Cafe because it was highly rated for breakfast, and it didn't disappoint. We had their special eggs Benedict, with a cajun hollandaise sauce, and a croissant instead of an English muffin. The croissant was decent, not the delicate thousand-layer dream you'd get from an authentic French Bakery, but far from a Pillsbury recent roll. It was a respectable croissant. The poached eggs were really poached eggs; they didn't use any kind of egg-poaching device, someone actually poached this egg with expert skill.

After breakfast we stopped by the Metairie Cemetery, these beautiful old cemeteries are something I've always wanted to see, and I was so happy that we got to stop. We're now on our way to Dallas Texas!

[shinigamihakenkyoukai]

I think I'd do nearly anything to finish my Kuromyu bromide collection at this point. I've been missing a single photo each of Matsumoto Shinya, Nagaoka Takuya, and Yosuke Crawford for literal years and it's driving me insane