#i'd be a lot more upset but like it's only messages and he used generally the right words n stuff y'know

[deeisace]

.

maybe i should make another blog

i have my nsft blog, but then now i don't have anywhere to complain about the people on my nsft blog cs i don't wanna upset no one, so i come back here and complain in the tags, but that's also not a super great thing to do

...

:/

anyway

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

pt IX good omens on livestream, i'm not ok: S1E4

You did it, Good Omens fandom, my dear maggots. You broke me in every way. Now I'm here, and where I once spent my day peacefully being sad about normal things, I'm now sad about a random fact about nightingales I learned on a British ornithology site and this is just... the brainrot. It's real. Raise brainrot awareness. Prevention is better than the nonexistent cure.

Well, I've procrastinated this post by like 48 hours by drawing fanart and being mopey over Crowley and generally being asleep because I'm still on antibiotics and ill. So let us not procrastinate further. First, episode 4. Tally, hoes!

In preparation for the stream, I gathered two emotional support oranges, only one of which was gaseous, and an apple. This was so that rather than waste an orange on being gay for Crowley I'd use the apple for that, symbolic of his temptation in the Garden of Eden etc. I didn't know how badly this plan would go.

On Discord, our collective loins girded, I noticed with no small suspicion that everyone was muttering about the bookshop and whether I'd be okay. When I demanded frantically what happened to the bookshop (I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS IN S2) everyone shut up and told me the bookshop was in tiptop shape and it was all tickety-boo and nothing would happen at all in episode 5.

Spoiler alert it is not all tickety-boo.

We start with Aziraphale going for a jog to keep uh fit for exercising with Crowley, and he is interrupted by Gabriel, who is not Jimbriel, and is not naked, that is, we cannot see his arse yet, but we can see that he is an arse.

We then see not-Newt the deliveryman with his wife Maude and they are the only straight couple that the people on the chat care about. Calling him not-Newt is going to pose problems for me.

Crowley is being a smart baby, and researching astronomy. Poor Crowley. I love Crowley. Do you understand? I LOVE CROWLEY.

There is a lot of talk of spoons and forks and such innuendos. I make a joke about scissors being missing. The chat does not notice. I am disappointed in the gays.

I am so engrossed in the way Death says "deeAaaAAthHHhh" that I fail to notice Not-Newt get killed delivering a message to Death. This is going to pose problems for me.

I forgot about the apocalypse plotline till the horsepeople arrive. This is understandable. I care not for this 'world' ending, my new world is Crowley. I love Crowley.

Duck aliens fucking descend. This is not a joke. There are duck aliens, and they are supportive of trans people. Newt does not count their nipples.

The Shad guy doesn't care Newt found aliens. He is upset that Newt didn't find witches. If Shad was mowing his lawn and found gold, he would toss it aside because he is focused on mowing. I can respect that. People make jokes about Newt eventually finding a witch.

It is suddenly a Christopher Nolan movie. Someone corrects me and says it's more like Jerry Bruckheimer. I do not know what that is.

Someone says Crowley destroys the Bentley but for whatever reason, like a lot of people before, makes it a black box that you have to click to read. I don't mind that, I like clicking.

Aziraphale bought out a theatre for Crowley, like a Kdrama where the rich CEO buys out an entire theatre for his working class girl.

Adam goes through what I went through with OCD. It is not fun.

It is now a horror movie. Adam floats in the air. That was not a symptom I had with OCD.

Crowley asks Aziraphale to run away with him to the stars. Aziraphale says no. Crowley is upset and my baby Azi looks so sad and confused about everything he believes in. Great. I'm totally fine, I think as I start stuffing my emotional support orange into my mouth.

It is now a Home Alone movie. Crowley in gloves is sexy. Mmmmmmm yes. Crowley does great advertising for plant spray bottles as he murders and threatens demons.

I point out that the GO book says Crowley can do "weird things with his tongue" as I learned from the GO scent guide company page. It was after all the most relevant take-away from that page.

Disco Tony arrives. This is not a safe space.

AZIRAPHALE KEEPS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND IS FAILED BY HEAVEN LEAVE MY BABY AZI ALONE WTF GO AWAY. THE ANGELS WALL SLAM HIM TOO. THAT'S CROWLEY'S THING YOU BASTARDS.

Newt and Anathema are cute. I DON'T NOTICE BECAUSE IM SO UPSET HE'S CHEATING ON MAUDE AND WONDERING WHY THE CHAT IS OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE I AM A FOOL WHO CONTINUES TO MIX UP NEWT WITH NOT-NEWT AND THEN THE CHAT TELLS ME NOT-NEWT DIED AND I'M CONFUSED.

Newt and Anathema are having sex. As an aspec person, I am very alarmed at the visuals.

Azi is failed by heaven and the metatron. Shocker. Fucking get away from Azi. Azi is miserable and looks like he wants to cry.

AZI IS EXORCISED AND THE FUCKING FLAME CATCHES IN THE BOOKSHOP AND THE EPISODE ENDS.

TAKE MY PAIN MOTHERFUCKERS. I WILL POST THIS AND THEN WRITE THE EP5 PART.

[internet-cheesecake]

oooooo so since the 'pre-cult leader lamb' is in the lead for the next comic poll as of rn, figured I'd do some quick doodles and notes on it & them

here's their general design & some info

(wawawawawawaaaaaaaaa why are side profiles so hard to draw ????? .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠.)

then some notes and rambling on the comic's plot & other info about their background below, so spoiler alert if you wanna wait !

(edit) have changed a good chunk of this info by now !!!! most of it is no longer accurate, so please just consider it concept art for future comics !!!!

this was probably the longest out of all the ideas, so I'm gonna split it up a bunch. This is the general plot idea though so far (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

•only child of a merchant family from anchordeep, thus learned general merchant trades & bribery

•fled the anchordeep culling with parents, and ended up settling in a hidden sheep village in darkwood

('hidden village refers to 'the herd' found in one of the lost messages. Generally, i think lambs in the areas wouldve been hunted in this order: silk cradle, anchordeep, anura, then darkwood.)

(silk cradle first, since Shamura is the god of wisdom, so it could have been their idea, plus, the prophecy

anchordeep next because Kallamar probably would've followed suit, whether it be for his own safety against the prophecy, or out of not wanting to upset anyone.

then anura, not much thought for this one, but we know darkwood was last since the Lamb was found there, so we can assume anura was before it.)

•would do odd jobs around the village for money and supplies, including guard duty, babysitting, supply runs, ect (basically, where they got the experience later used to run a cult)

•lambs who would leave the village on supply runs sometimes started disappearing while gone, including their parents. Lambert took this as a sign of a potential attack upcoming, and started stockpiling jewelery for bribery and selling, hence why they're wearing so much of it.

•was about to return from a supply run when the village was found, and they went into hiding

(reference to 'lost message II,' which states 'one fled my blade. I will find it')

•was caught a few times, but managed to escape by either using bribes or fighting

•after a few years in hiding, they eventually exhausted all their savings, (bribe jewelry) and when put into a difficult spot, they were forced to sell their sword, leading to them being unable to fight or bribe, causing them to be caught and sacrificed.

•when finally caught, did not say a word. was probably holding back tears and didn't want to seem like a coward in their last moments

(feels fitting that they'd have a lot of pride and not want to seem like a coward, since they're a sore loser in the game. also yet another reference to the lost message, stating 'I found the last, hidden deep in the Lands. It followed me, silent, to the ritual grounds.')

•Their sword, 'beat-up blade' had been a bit of a family heirloom. No one had actually used it in generations though, as it was not really fit for fighting anymore. After their parents disappeared, Lamb tried to DIY restore it by replacing the blade with a darkwood style one, as they were more used to it (due to guard duty) and the anchordeep hilt would sell for a pretty penny. Apparently, it was one of Kallamar's many weapons a very, very long time ago.

(I need some kind of actual reason for the Kallamar favortism that isnt just 'oh yeah internet-cheesecake thinks he's cool lmao' so made Lamb from anchordeep & gave them one of Kallamar's super old and unwanted swords. that way, i can do some kind of 'well, you kinda protected me, in a way. for that, I've grown to appreciate you. So thank you.' oh and plus i live in a tropical area and wanted to include that somehow)

[mmriesoftvat]

How did kami feel about having anemo abilities at first?,or a vision even ?,was it strange or upsetting?,was he conflicted?

The short answer: yes, he was conflicted.

Since Kami was 'born' with electro being an innate/dormant power within him. That's always been an untapped (and sometimes tapped) power at his fingertips, and he really only used electro during his time in the fatui.

It's not a power Kami liked relying on, especially since it was such a heavy reminder of his creation and being discarded for simply existing. True, there was the gnosis, and I'd like to think part of the reason Kami clung so tightly to that WAS because of Ei. Because it was the only physical thing he had of her, and not just because it was his source of power. Yes, it was power, but it was added power that definitely came from Ei, and he wanted to ascend to godhood and change things for himself. Electro was a huge part of that identity and it was quite literally ripped from him.

Regardless of going through Irminsul or not, Wanderer in general was still created with electro being a dormant ability. Kami never went through Irminsul, so he's still got those traces at his fingertips, and he recalls vividly the sense of power he had with electro. He remembers the sickening joy he felt when using it against others. So to him Anemo feels a lot more gentle, definitely a soft breeze compared to the sparking anger.

He's conflicted because while anemo is still a very powerful element, it's a completely different vibe than what he was used to. He's still learning HOW to use anemo and what the limitations are. And because of his strength from of the Shouki no Kami, Kaminari is learning he can push the limits of what his vision grants him and probably even beyond. It still doesn't feel like electro, because with the electro being a gift from an archon, Kami was already powerful to begin with, and becoming the Shouki no Kami only added to that.

He's warming up to the vision powers, though the vision itself is a source of pride, it's the one material object he'd defend with everything he is. He would rather give up his life/immortality if it meant he could keep what he sees as a heart at this point.

But he was very confused when he first received the vision. It was a different set of powers and abilities, and it didn't readily allow for him to immediately vaporize anyone. Though that was probably the whole reason the gods gave it to him. Kami took it as a "don't kill people anymore" type of message and struggled with it for a few days. Because he really wants to improve and be a better person, and since he refuses to use his electro anymore, he's thrown himself wholeheartedly into figuring out what he CAN do.

And the answer is a fuck ton. Because I don't want him to be strictly bound by the game mechanics, so Kami can manipulate the very air around him and weaponize it, he can also summon a gentle breeze if the climate is too much, and of course, he can fly indefinately without draining energy.

Because unlike mortals and humans, he doesn't need human type breaks. Whereas other humans might need to stop and rest after using their elemental abilities, Kami does not need the same such rest.

But TL;DR, conflicted at first, but a welcome change. Still has electro as a dormant power, misses the feeling of being able to murderize and vaporize people, but likes that he can use anemo and still be powerful.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e19 the future (w. robert berens, meredith glynn)

feel like i'm finally getting into the home stretch of this show. i know, three full seasons that i have not heard great or even mediocre things about to go but still. i've got a lot behind me

and we're finally dealing with wtf cas is doing up in ye olde heaven. why didn't he at least like. send a text. "going to heaven, be back at some point, i'm fine"

you know i have feelings about suicide in media and it's a common trope on this show but the music is especially mismatched with this (kelly getting in the tub with a shard from the mirror), but maybe it's for the best because it is less affecting. the voiceover also a weird choice. surely she's not actually dead...?

legit laughed out loud when cas just casually opens the door. like, hey guys... 🤷‍♂️

CASTIEL I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels. When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, I-I thought they could help. SAM And? CASTIEL Nothing. SAM Well, at least you're back. We're glad you're back. DEAN Really? No, I'm sorry. Okay, 'cause while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost. CASTIEL I know. I received your messages. DEAN Oh, you did – you did receive the messages? Okay, that's good. CASTIEL Dean. DEAN So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That's great. 'Cause we really could've used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um (Clicks tongue) What was it? Nothing? CASTIEL Dean, I – DEAN What the hell is wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That's--yeah. Welcome back. (walks away)

SO. dean's being pretty harsh and i'm sure it won't last because it never does, but it reminds me of someone who like.. you're at the end of your rope with in general, and then small fuckups ending sending you into a fit. because it's like COME THE FUCK ON, MAN. even though in the grand scheme of things it isn't a huge transgression. i am unfortunately guilty of that too, so maybe it's just projecting, but that's the vibe i'm feeling. but he always forgives him pretty quickly even when he's pissed like this.

but also, i think it's pretty reasonable that he's upset vs sam's acceptance and happiness he's back (which seems a little extreme the other end, like disappointment but glad he's safe seems more reasonable-ish to me). it's one thing if he's tied up in heaven, but being tied up in heaven getting nothing done, and knowing that they actually had a bead on dagon and doing nothing seems super absurd because that was the whole reason he was in heaven??? unless he's not telling us something relevant to why he couldn't act, which would also be pretty typical of how this show operates. getting me riled up. good grief this is pointless

CASTIEL Sorry, Dean. Um I just wanted to return this. DEAN It's a gift. You keep those.

what. "traxx"? really?

DEAN Cass, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay. CASTIEL Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself. DEAN You think you're the only one rolling snake eyes here? Me and Sam, we had her. We had Kelly and we lost her. CASTIEL And if you find her again? DEAN Sam's working on it. Of course, he's hell-bent on finding something that doesn't mean killing her or her kid. CASTIEL Right. And if he doesn't find something? If you run out of time, could either of you kill an innocent? DEAN We will find a better way. CASTIEL You mean, we? DEAN Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done. CASTIEL I'd like that. DEAN Great. And I'd like a beer.

well i'm sure this can be read very shippy, what i pick up is just upset and freaked out that he disappeared without any notice (trying to imagine like, bobby just goes dark when they need him and how dean would react). and wanting him back because he needs the resources in this fight. and cas being kind of desperate for dean's approval. which is kind of a shitty space to be in. dean's "let's go Team Free Will" is pretty sarcastic sounding and the "great. and i'd like a beer" is really dismissive. the scripts linked on the wiki both say he smiles (which he doesn't), this has totally different tone.

(surprise surprise baby nephilim wouldn't let kelly die)

for the love of god get a couch already

SAM Well Okay, the baby's half-angel, right? So remember Gadreel? DEAN The psycho angel who took your body for a test drive? Yeah, what about him?

kinda hard to forget, sammy

trying to remember how that whole grace extraction ritual thing went down and was cas on the up and up with him? buh can't remember. looks like it, skimming 9x11

SAM So what if Cass used it on Kelly's kid? I mean, a-a Nephilim's just a human soul with angelic grace, right? So you remove the grace –

if the kid is half grace wouldn't you end up with a half a kid :p

all right well reading the script gave me a heads up that cas was lying -_- but stealing the colt to give to the angels, great. good call, castiel

KELVIN You're doing the right thing, you know. Committing to Joshua's plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean, your reputation in Heaven is – CASTIEL This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters. I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and to keep them safe from Dagon, and I – I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don't have to.

mmmk. well, good on you cas, not being able to kill the pregnant lady either. maybe give sam and dean a call, if we're going down this road

CASTIEL No, it isn't. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly.

(writers included, ahem)

KELLY I know my baby can be good for this world. CASTIEL Kelly, if he's born that is not something you can survive. So even if you are right, and even if the worst isn't inevitable, then who will care for him when you're gone? (Sighs) Who? Who is strong enough to protect him and to keep him from evil influences and to keep him on the righteous path?

bunker baby? lol

she got the demon growl sound treatment too

ok. weirdly noncommittal slam into the wall

DEAN Well, while you were scamming me for the Colt, Sam put a tracking app on your phone. SAM Cass, when you came back, you didn't even look us in the eye. You wanna explain what's going on here?

LOL ok, sam was secretly on the up and up

CASTIEL I know. I wanted to keep you out of this. I-I was trying to keep you safe. DEAN You're not our babysitter, Cass, okay? That is not your job. And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?

neverending theme of choice being taken away by everyone everywhere all at once

definitely a good idea to give them the keys and leave them alone in the impala while they both want to go to the holy sandbox and she's got some nephilim mojo

dumbasses :p

KELLY You asked me who would protect him, guide him when I'm gone. I know now. It's you. CASTIEL Me? That's I am not someone that you should put your faith in, Kelly. I couldn't kill Dagon back there. I lost two of my men. I betrayed my friends, my family.

LOL papa castiel

DEAN Well, he hasn't exactly had a banner year. I mean, think about it. Between Lucifer, killing Billie, Ramiel, everything's been blowing up in his face. And he's so desperate for a win right now, he can't even see straight.

were there consequences to killing billie? i can't even remember lolsob useless

i didn't see dagon melting (ish?) the colt coming. good call though, girl

all right well i'm including this because cas got the demon (and nephilim apparently) growl too along with this oboe (maybe? i don't know i can actually tell the difference between oboe clarinet and i dunno, french horn? lol) music that i dislike but they do use semi-regularly :p

anyway, cas got his win. why does dean seem so surprised by cas healing his arm? don't they hit cas up for healing on the regular these days?

DEAN Are you okay? CASTIEL I am. I've been so lost. I'm not lost anymore. And I know now that this child must be born with all of his power. SAM You can't actually mean that. CASTIEL Yes. I do. I have faith. We have to go. SAM Hey, Cass, wait a second. Wait, hold on. Just - CASTIEL You have to just trust me. DEAN No, no, no, wait. Okay, whatever that thing did to you, we're not just gonna let you walk away. SAM Yeah, that's not gonna happen. CASTIEL Yes, it is.

who needs to explain things and try to win arguments when you can just boop them on the forehead and make them go sleepytime in the park, at night. exposed.

(script linked on wiki)

made me laugh. cas and kelly all juiced up on faith, together

so i finally made the mental leap figuring out who the baby will be (i had all the info but was embarrassingly slow to connect the dots) so like. i'm very unclear how this is going to play out. cas constantly lying and going off-piste generally is not something to be rewarded with being doing the right thing, but feels like that's the path that will need to be taken? even if they're painting it as him doing a bad thing now? i dunno. maybe not. the problem with half knowing small or general big picture details without context via fic :p

grateful for no bmol bullshit i guess, this ep

[ahalal-uralma]

I saw this video

https://youtu.be/3rJwrwlWyLI

Thought I'd share it with you...perhaps it will be a message you need to see or ignore it ;). She has great info.

Sharing in case anyone else needs it.

I know how she feels and has felt growing up an abused child.

I am going to dive deeper into a very sensitive topic, so please do not read what I have to say if it's going to be upsetting or triggering.

I do not want to be responsible for bringing up anyone's trauma to the surface, but if it helps anyone out there to know they're not alone--then, people deserve to know they're not alone and be reminded of that. Abuse is a very isolating experience and does leave you feeling lonely and misunderstood as a result. I hate having to say that I understand, but I really do understand.

It's honestly going to be a bit uncomfortable to open up on some experiences, however vaguely I'll put them. I really do not wish to be asked further about them, so please respect that. It really gives me a lot of anxiety to think on the subject.

I'm only sharing within reason it'll remind someone they're not a monster for going through abuse and they don't deserve it. There is possibility to survive and recover and I won't coddle anyone's feelings and give them purely ideological expectations on the matter--it's not easy for all of us, but it is possible for all of us.

I don't consider myself an ideology of escape and recovery, personally. So I hope reading any of this that no one builds those fantasies and high expectations of me. I'm still recovering. It's been over 15 years and I'm still healing. Everyone has their own pace. Just do not give up your pace is the main thing here I want to relay.

Abuse really does make you more afraid to speak up and seek aid from strangers and friends alike. It can make you afraid of other family members or medical professionals. It can make you mistrust anyone in anyplace. Anyone. Anywhere where your perceptions feel potentially challenged or threatened. Domestic violence enforces fear and trust issues of people. I remember being afraid of teachers and classmates often as a child. Most people scared me. I did not keep a lot of friends growing up. I wasn't even allowed to have them.

I remember having to lie about and hide the few friends who cared about me. I had literally one friend from the age of 4 till 13 only ever visit my home and she had to do so as a form of strategy. Most kids I would tell never to bother hanging out with me. They thought I was this anti-social monster. But, I just wanted to keep them safe. Most of them would not go the lengths she did to spend time with me.

Creating social barriers often resulted in abandonment. There was one time my abuser came home too early and screamed at my best friend to get out of our home--he almost lashed out and hit someone else's little girl in front of me--I want to say she was only around 5 years old at the time--my mom got beaten in front of me as a result instead. She shouldered the blame so I wouldn't get hurt, too. My friend's mom was there and shielded her as they fled crying. Even after that scary incident, they would risk visitations in secret. They were that loyal. I didn't try to find my confidence till my teen years in general when it came to finding friends or establishing my identity as a person.

It took me a long time to want to rebel and even by then it didn't come without obstacles or major risks. I have a dislocated rib-cage that never properly healed and I do not like talking about it a lot even into adulthood. I sustained that injury on my sixteenth birthday. It is very hard to this day not to replay the events of that night alone, because it felt like hell on earth. It should have been a milestone in my youth, but instead it's a day I want to forget and need to overcome. It is not good for me to replay it. However, it is no less important. I could have died if I didn't kick my abuser off and let that part of myself that was afraid to defend itself break first. It's a day I became brave for the first time in my life and that will always be beneficial to my existence. I'm my own hero and it's important to remind myself I'm capable of being so.

They really teach you to fear self-defense. You are taught that you are the bad guy and problem if you want to feel safe and protected. It really should not be the case, but it is for many of the abused.

Your abuser will gaslight you to hell and back. You know, when I had the authorities called--my abuser tried to spin the situation and lied to them that I was the abuser and hit him? He tried to gaslight me right in front of them and tried to tell me my perceptions were false and that he didn't even touch me?

But, I was the only one with sustained injuries, since I was the one being punched for fifteen minutes into the ground. They were the one trying to break my bones and blame me, because I was the villain for trying to kick them off and they really tested making me doubt what happened to me. That's how abusers are--they want you to doubt yourself and your own mind. It's unhealthy. It's behaviors like this you have to anticipate and you do have to learn to prioritize yourself--I had to learn to prioritize myself over a family member.

You might think that having him arrested was a quick fix to my problems growing up, but you would be mistaken about that.

I was still living with a person who has a varied history of abusive relationships. I do not blame them, but it is hard being a child who has to live with the decisions of someone that is a repeat victim (because, that was their normal). It is no negativity towards or against them--because, I will always love them as they love with all of their heart and they have nothing but good intentions and of their own merit are the best parent a child could ever wish for--but it doesn't make my own experiences any easier in dealing with the people they welcomed into our life, because those people were not the best.

It meant I got to live with a man who would be starving me for years to come while he was gaslighting and abusing them. It meant meeting another man who would be rotting in prison to this day for being a statutory rapist and pedophile. It's not easy overcoming evil. It is a constant effort of will power and self-accountability.

I don't mean self-accountability in the sense that we should hold ourselves responsible for the abuse or in placement of the abuser themself--but, we are responsible for our own healing. That is a major task for everyone who endures and survives. We owe it to ourselves to heal and succeed, because our healing and success won't be delivered on a silver platter. Society can flower us with pretty words of pity all it wants, but society isn't responsible for our skin and how we live in it. Pity won't help us recover from trauma. Pity is about as beneficial in feeling as throwing a tiny bandage meant for a blister on a severed limb. I have so many thoughts about the subject of pity and how often it is used to be conflated with empathy--they are not the same. We always need empathy, but we do not always need pity. Fine line.

Manipulation can make being in the presence of your own abuser (even though you know everything they are doing to you is painful, scary and even potentially dangerous to your core survival) seem safer and more familiar. This is especially true if you're a child growing up in an abusive household; because, you don't have a time-frame for comparison to a "before" the abuse existed. You are being born and raised into abuse.

People outside of your home life can tell you, "what is happening to you isn't normal," all they want to, but you wouldn't know if you can believe them.

We are all told not to trust strangers easily; because, you're taught that normal and safe is your family. You are taught the people who raise you are tasked with forming your ideologies and you rely on them to develop you and the environment around you, since you are too young to do so yourself. You're taught by default of society that family is what is most important in life and that's who you have to always differ to. When someone reaches out and states, "this is not normal and you need help"--it leaves you with more questions than answers, like what makes you less deserving of a family that you can differ to? Why are you here then? And your abusers will likely have anticipated this and have already manipulated you into rejecting help, either by convincing you that you did something to deserve the abuse or otherwise by threatening your well-being even further. They are not right, but in your mind as an abused child you don't have a higher power teaching you that they're wrong. Your family is your highest power in your mind.

There are a lot of people who can not empathize with abuse victims and can not put themselves in our shoes to understand why we endure it all--if it's all your familiar with, and you're manipulated into believing that change and positivity are the enemy, it can be extremely hard to get away. Never mind if you face obstacles like age limitations or financial hardships. Something to learn and remember.

Abuse isn't that black and white. It is not that easy for everyone to just leave or even speak up. As she said from her own experiences in the video, sometimes speaking up can lead to danger. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but there needs to be a balance of nuance and patience in finding help. We can't give into pressure and be chaotic about it. Guilt tripping victims into finding help is so dangerous.

I remember my first solid effort of escape from abuse to a friend's home at 17 years old backfired. Unfortunately, I lived in an area with bad cops. I was thrown under house-arrest by the authorities, forcing me to even be more trapped with my abuser (not the same one as the one who broke my rib cage) and I was told I deserved abuse as a form of discipline, that I would never amount in life to being anything but a raped and impregnated homeless whore and if I tried to resist my circumstances than I would be thrown into a juvenile prison. Nice.

This was what happened to me for trying to run away and ask a family for help. That is what happened when I looked for help in a chaotic manner, because strangers with no incite told me it should be as easy as just asking anyone, but it isn't always. That's how it was handled for me. HOWEVER--there was intervention. It didn't come immediately, but it did come and I accepted it.

If it wasn't for specific family members intervening...lord in heaven, life would have been even more unbearable than it was. At least for longer if not indefinitely. Being a legal adult in another year would have given me a chance at freedom potentially if I obeyed the house arrest till then, but it also meant I was stuck with someone who was denying me food and wanted to stab me until that time.

Oh, and my grades in school were tanking naturally and I was dodging being failed and expelled (over how I was dressing and potentially appeared in the year book, ahem) before I moved.

If you're wondering how I managed in my new home and school...I was sailing with honor roll and got accepted into the first college I applied for. I felt very fortunate to be in a loving home with improved conditions. So take that mean cops! And we're not on the streets or a parent. Thank you very much. It really is the little things sometimes that can feel bigger. Being in a safer and loving home really does make a vast difference on a person's continued development.

Experiencing domestic violence is not as simple as "this person keeps calling me names or hitting me," it is a lot more nuanced and damaging than either of those situations combined.

Domestic Violence ruins your capability to perceive everything: people, places, time, history... your very perceptions on reality and boundaries are being compromised, and even if you're among the lucky one's to escape your abuser and seek professional treatment, people need to realize that that process is intimidating for the survivor and the challenges brought on by the abuse do not abruptly halt just because the abuse that initially created them did. It takes time to heal and to accept the healing process.

Abuse creates a lot of very deep physical and psychological damages that can take months to years of a person's life to recover from--and just being realistic, even when we reach our best goal of recovery, there will always be a small piece of us haunted by the experiences of that abuse. After a long period, it stands the risk of becoming a very integral part of how you shape your mentality, priorities, beliefs, ethics, etc. on what you like or dislike about life and all of the people surrounding you in existence. Your abuser consumed your time and energy. They dominated your identity and personal space. That time-gap where your abuser was surrounding your choices and dictating your personal experiences--that is very significant and impactful on your psyche and it doesn't entirely disappear.

We have to unlearn their lessons and create our own reality the best we can. That takes a lot of will power and effort to do. It means risking communication that is unfamiliar. It means we have to learn to cope.

[vizthedatum]

So now that I'm attempting to feel my emotions more and not spiral down into inner (and sometimes outer) reactivity:

I need to figure out what my triggers are telling me - what pain am I still holding on to that's affecting me?

--

A lot of the pain I experience results in a very valid outward emotional reaction: the world is cruel as much as it is beautiful.

--

Yesterday, I was really upset by yet another random guy on the Internet cold-asking me if I wanted to sext - these are unsolicited sexual offers that are typically completely one-sided (often it's like, "You're pretty - wanna fuck?;" "What? You aren't grateful that I called you beautiful!;" and other weird, manipulative things... often they don't have respect for boundaries, and they don't have really anything to offer),

Unfortunately, a lot of femme-presenting people get this type of harassment. Sometimes, it's multiple people every day - with better messaging platform filters, it's multiple people every month. It's relentless. (And since I'm South Asian, a lot of creepy South Asian guys hit on me - and to be quite frank, social etiquette and cultural norms mean that many South Asian men are often not socialized to treat other people well. I'm not trying to generalize, but that has been my experience with most South Asian men both in and out of my life.)

I tried to talk to him (after telling him no - after which he kept pushing until I told him I'd block him) why his behavior was harmful. His ego got triggered, and he called me a jackass. Then he blocked me. (And it's like: good, I'm in my villain era.)

I wish I could say this was the only time, but this has been happening for as long as I've been on the Internet (so since the 90s? meh.).

--

In any case - I shouldn't have explained or gone off on him. I don't think I was rude, but I was definitely worked up. It was a complete waste of my energy, though - he should have been automatically blocked.

My pain came through, and while my pain is valid - my silence can be as equally empowering as my words.

My words and voice are for me to use at my discretion for my benefit. Not all situations call for it. He didn't deserve my explanation or my attempts to emotionally connect on a widespread online sexual harassment issue.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #130

Is there a person you talk to everyday? Mom and Girt without fail. I'd say most days some messages go between me, Mazzy, and Tez.

Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent? My mother will take any opportunity to talk shit about my dad, yes, meanwhile Dad NEVER has while I've been with him. As a matter of fact, all my dad ever has to say about her around us kids is that she did a damn good job raising us/is a wonderful mother. I honestly would not be surprised if Mom, meanwhile, would prefer him dead with how she handles the topic of him. I know I don't know everything about why they split, but how she is about Dad nearly a whole decade after they split is kinda ridiculous. It's uncomfortable showing in any way that we care about him in her presence because she VERY obviously hates it.

If you have a webcam, do you take more pictures or make more videos with it? I've never used this webcam and historically have also avoided using them at all costs. I only ever really have for virtual appointments.

Who was the last person you wished a “Happy Birthday” to? Actually Kelsee today; she's the daughter of my favorite teacher. Basically an impossibly sweet human being.

Last person you kissed, are they into any type of sports? Which ones? No.

Does your best friend have a job? Yeah, he's worked at the same place for very nearly a decade.

Do you ever visit people at work? Thus far I've brought lunch to Girt at work once, and I plan to keep doing that occasionally forever. I just don't do it a lot now because his work is rather far and Mom has a super shitty car that doesn't need to drive that far, but also I don't have my own income and am not having Mom pay for it. The one time I did do it was with gifted money.

When you move out your house (or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents' house? I fully intend to invite Mom over for dinner like once a week, and I'd absolutely come back here if she wanted me to for something. It breaks my mom's fucking heart how Ashley and Nicole are, generally acting like she's no longer important, and I'll fucking die before I let her feel like I've left her behind, too. I'd still visit Dad too, probably occasionally invite him over. It's a hard situation to imagine just because I already very rarely see him.

What is one thing you hope never changes about you? How much I care about people.

Who was the last person you were mad at? Me.

Why did you break your last promise? Honestly, I feel like the only real promise I HAVE broken (that I remember, I'm sure it's happened more than just once, realistically) is the one I made with Sara, to keep her straight-up diabolical political stance a secret. I broke it because I don't protect the feelings of Nazis/very literal Hitler fangirls. I never should have kept it secret in the first place.

Has anyone ever told you that you were really pretty? Yeah, somehow.

Do you listen to a wide variety of music? Not really, but I've been more open to pop music in recent times... granted, they're primarily songs I grew up with lmao, but still.

What holiday are you looking forward to next? So I'm not very big on the 4th of July just because I'm not this country's biggest fan, but it's more appealing knowing I'll probably spend it with Girt's family, like last year.

Did you ever go through a phase when you didn’t want to take medicine? My problems have always been just being upset over how many medications I've been prescribed during certain periods. There have been many occasions in the past where I've gotten verbally pissed off and even cried over just how many medications I was waking up to and having to take before bed. 100% convinced my memory and focus problems hold DEEP roots in just being so grossly overmedicated by the time I was just a young teenager, and it remained that way for a very, very long time. Thankfully, I'm more at peace with the number I take now; I'm not happy about it, but it's absolutely nothing like it used to be.

Do you love popsicles? They're fine.

Do you like your smile? No, entirely convinced I look high as shit and I know I have a lazy eye when I do smile.

Was the last book you read good? Yup, it was. Jesus, I need to start reading more again... I've been on the same book for SO fucking long.

Does sunlight make you feel happier? Yes, it absolutely does. This was something I learned around the time I started recovering from the breakup and my worst level of depression: I used to be the person who kept the shades closed, lights off always, and just live in the dark. Then I started keeping my shades open and just in general stay in decently-lit rooms, and it made a pretty profound impact on my happiness, eventually. It's why I'm not even big on rainy days anymore; they used to be my favorite, but nowadays I will absolutely feel a difference if it's gloomy outside.

What helps you fall asleep? Fucking nothing. I finally almost cried last night over just how atrocious my ability to fall asleep has been lately; I'm regularly not falling asleep until early morning hours. I just lay in bed for hours on end tossing and turning and being completely fucking miserable. Thankfully I'm starting a new medication tonight that is meant to help me fall asleep... I just hope it works, because historically, meds meant to assist in good sleep have had zero effect on me. I'm one of those people that isn't even knocked out by Benadryl, and you always hear about how that'll knock you flat on your ass.

Do you have stomach problems? Yes.

Do you enjoy editing photos? Yeah, that's basically mandatory to be a notably successful photographer lol, as much as many people don't like to admit.

What was the last photo filter you used? I think it was this one called "Honey" that's on my phone for a picture I took of Girt's sister's dog Onyx.

Do you live a simple life? I'm sure it looks like it on the very surface to people who don't know me well whatsoever, but you realize pretty fucking quickly it's astronomically far from "simple."

What was the last song you listened to on repeat? "Rein raus" by Rammstein.

What are three of your favorite toppings for a pizza? Pepperoni, sausage, and jalapeno are all good.

What are three of your favorite ingredients for a salad? Besides the lettuce, I'm assuming? Cucumbers, bacon bits, and uh... that's it lmao I am MEGA basic with salad. WELL I will say I do absolutely love the jalapenos that are in Olive Garden's salads, like that's my favorite part of the whole thing haha, but idk if I'd enjoy them in every salad.

Do you express yourself better out loud or in writing? Oh there is ZERO competition here, my ability to express myself in writing is indisputably WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than my capability to do so verbally. I can barely make a normal sentence when speaking.

Do you sing in the shower? No.

What are three random things you are good at? Writing, taking pictures I'd hope, and understanding animal body language, generally.

What is one thing you’ve been waiting patiently for for quite some time? Finding a job, I guess. Though I've been less patient about it lately. I've been doing daily (and I do mean daily) checks online for around three months now for various job titles I feel I could realistically do, and I'm just not getting lucky at all.

What are three of the most painful things you have ever stepped on? Uh idk, honestly.

If you could choose three US states to visit, which three states would you pick? Alaska, Arizona, and one of the states Yellowstone is part of; I'd have to research more about each state.

What color is your camera case (if you have one)? It's black.

What are three things you like that start with the same letter as your middle name? MEERKATS (are you even remotely surprised), music, and mountains.

Which do you use more: Facebook or Instagram? Facebook.

When was the last time you swam in a pool? Today actually; I did hydrotherapy today at PT because there were no land slots for this week when we were scheduling. Well, I guess I didn't really swim because I couldn't get my tattoo wet (it's a saltwater pool), like both my feet never completely left the bottom, but still.

Who or what do you worship? Nothing; I'm not even really a "hail thyself" person just because I think it puts too much divine worth on just us insignificant humans. We're nothing special in the grand scheme of the universe and I think that mentality feeds the ego too much.

Do you know a Ted? Yeah, that's the name of one of my childhood friend's dad.

Have you ever swam in one of the Great Lakes? No.

What is one thing you wish were more easily accessible? ADEQUATE FUCKING HEALTHCARE.

Have you ever chopped something with an axe? No.

What is one mistake you’ve made that you hope to never repeat? Hand my entire identity and worth over to another person.

What was the last thing that kept you awake? My brain doesn't know how to shut the fuck up whenever I try to sleep; that's the primary problem, and it's been that way since I was a literal child. My brain is just always, ALWAYS going, even when I try to tell myself to just concentrate on sleeping. Then there's also the fact my tattoo is starting to scab, and just because of the location, I can really feel the scabbing pull when I roll around in bed, and that obviously hurts.

If you have pets, do they sleep in your bedroom at night? Roman generally does, and sometimes Cookie decides to sleep in my bed instead of Mom's. Venus' terrarium is also in my bedroom.

Can you sleep with background noise or does it keep you up? Only if it's something on the quieter side and monotonous, like a fan. I definitely struggle with like, a TV being on.

Who was the last person to cook you a meal? What did they make? Mom made popcorn shrimp and white rice tonight.

Who was the last person you cooked a meal for? What did you make? I made eggs once when Sara was here.

Who is your female celeb crush? (If applicable) Y'ALL I fucking hate wrestling and find the acting cringy as shit, including whom's I'm about to mention (I know because my niece and nephew like watching????), but Rhea Ripley could RUIN ME and I would thank her

Who is your male celeb crush? (If applicable) I don't think I'll ever be able to explain my level of attraction towards Richard Kruspe even though he could literally be my dad h e l p

Do you have a favorite Marvel character? Probably Deadpool.

Favorite DC character? Harley Quinn.

Who has been your favorite actor to play Batman (live-action)? No opinion, I haven't even seen them all.

Who has been your favorite live-action Joker? Heath Ledger was MADE for the role imo, even if it did cause him a lot of harm. I probably also just have a bias because Heath Ledger's Joker was Jason's favorite thing on the face of the planet.

Has a horror film ever actually scared you? Which one(s)? [TW: RAPE MENTION] There's only been one that has, and that's only because it fed off my pregnancy phobia: The Rite. Doubt it's spoiler material with just being a big part of the plot and it's an old movie now, but a woman is raped by either a demon or just straight-up the devil and it's EXTREMELY fucking gross, like I could not handle it. I still wouldn't watch it to this day, I'm pretty sure I didn't even finish watching it when Nicole had it on. Like obviously I don't believe in supernatural impregnation but I still couldn't handle it.

What was the last horror movie you saw? Well Girt and I startedThe Black Phone but didn't finish it, I've told this story enough.

What was the first horror movie you remember seeing? What did you think of it? Hmmmm... it might have been the OG Paranormal Activity movie. At least, that's the first I remember. I liked it; I tend to like "paranormal evidence" horror films, the ones that seem like they actually happened and can't be explained. I find those much easier to put yourself into/imagine them happening to you.

Name a few historical figures you find interesting. Why? I don't care enough about history for this lmao.

What is your favorite historical film and why? The Boy in the Striped Pajamas because it tears my fucking heart ENTIRELY open every time I see it. I'm crying without fail.

Do you usually enjoy historical films? Not usually, or at least they're not the sort of movies that I seek out.

Name a sequel film (any franchise) you like better than the first film. Why is that? Shrek 2 lmao, the first movie is absolutely legendary and I love it but the second is just more fun to me.

Which do you find most interesting: Greek, Roman, or Norse mythology? Why? Greek. I think it's just because that's what I know most about, though. I will say what I know of Norse is awesome too; it has total potential to be my favorite if I actually knew more about it. All I do know comes from the two most recent God of War games, and while I'm quite sure it is a rather accurate representation of key roles and events, I'm definitely not sure.

Which tale from whichever mythology you listed above do you find most interesting? ... You're making me realize I actually don't remember a lot of Greek mythos lmao, it's been too long since I was in mythology class. With Norse though, I think Jörmungandr as well as Sköll and Hati's lore are very cool.

Do you collect anything? What was the last item you added to that collection? Meerkat stuff is my primary collection; I think the last thing I got relating to meerkats was a shirt. I also collect Silent Hill merch, but I can't recall what the last thing I added on was.

What is your favorite vampire movie? I don't really have one.

Your favorite fictional couple? This is BASICALLY impossible, but I thiiiink I can pick one: Woo Young-Woo and Lee Jung-Ho from Extraordinary Attorney Woo, like that is just a STRAIGHT-UP wholesome, genuine relationship that warms my fucking heart to mush.

Do you have a favorite historical couple? Nope. Again, just don't know enough about history or care enough to dig into their personal lives, especially.

[jazzybot4]

Massive Call of Duty fandom wank post breakdown here: Please take care of yourselves folks this one is going to be rough. Putting it under a readmore so you don't have to be subjected to the truly inspiring vitriol that is coming from the Anti camp this time 'round.

OKAY. So. The core of this callout/rant/screed is the fact that one of my friends, someone I have SHARED a HOUSE with for a trip before, has left Discord entirely after handing off the very large fandom server he inherited from a, quite frankly, incompetent moron. Leech (fandom name) is a goddamn delight, a truly sweet guy, and has never in my entire time knowing him been anything but reasonable about moderation things. He has not deserved the shit that these people have done to him and frankly the moderator team has been handling this whole thing with the kind of grace and patience and care for the community that I've been genuinely glad to see. If you've never run a Discord server of over 1000 people, you don't know how that shit can get out of hand really fucking fast. One or two truly wanky voices can start dragging out some genuinely evil sides of people. SO, the anti-camp callout post is here: https://www.tumblr.com/zyomih/756612456311341056/i-used-to-own-this-server-before-i-gave-it-away-to so that I can address it point by point, line by line, and dig into the real meat of what this is actually about. Names to be aware of as I rant: Leech, formerly Maggotdweller - now-former owner of one of the biggest Call of Duty ship fandom servers on Discord. Population north of 1k people, most inactive.

Zyo, currently @zyomih here on Tumblr and twitter for your block list - former owner of the Ghoap server, generally an unpleasant person, raging howling screaming tantrum throwing Anti. Currently doing a lot to boost the drama and trying to get yet another witch-hunt started. @Aquasuperbat on Twitter, @asgardswinter here on Tumblr- General fandom wanker, massive Anti, unpleasant to interact with in general which isn't a crime but it is annoying. Source of the current big callout post that's not doing a lot of numbers on Twitter, but did tangentially result in Leech leaving the Discord to another mod. Potentially a source of private harassment towards people, known sock/alt account user. @mozz1egoose on Twitter - One of the people that are harassing people from the Discord, potentially one of the sources of death threats and allegations sent to Leech. (This has not been confirmed-confirmed, but it is highly probable. If it's not true I'd love to see the receipts, I'll edit this post about it.) Is actively pretending to have DiD/Dissociative Identity Disorder, generally only interacts with fandom to be a massive source of wank. The Incident: On 07/20/2024 at 4:19 PM Eastern standard time, user Jellycakes in the big Ghoap server comes out of a months-long silent spell to say this:

And Nox, a top-level mod and general voice of reason stepped in to moderate the comment. I think that reasonable people here can agree that this is not a comment meant to be informative. That's the bitching that the Anti camp have been doing, that Jellycakes here (who was last active in the server in march!) was trying to educate people about Elliot Knight being a Zionist. (More on that allegation later.) The last thing Jellycakes said in the server before that message:

The general takeaway that I have is that Jellycakes was not in fact being genuine in trying to educate, and was instead being purposefully inflammatory. Nothing about how that single line was written was meant to be informative. IF the actor in question WAS a Zionist, supported Israel in the current war, or had even taken a strong stance one way or another, I'd have come with receipts in hand so that I could genuinely educate. I would have backed up my allegations and I wouldn't have made a comment like that with the tone of someone trying to make other people angry or upset. This post was either designed to start a fight, which got shut down hard, or it was designed to break the server rules, which include a pretty standard 'please don't talk about politics or current critical events in this particular server'. The exact rule is here:

Which, in a fandom server is standard practice. Most servers tend to be pretty good about this rule. (Holla to all my Discord mods and the discord members in general for being truly chill with the separation of reality and fiction, I appreciate your work so goddamn much.) But this means that while the mods can't see EVERYTHING, they do their best to be gentle when they're asking people to not talk about political topics from real life. In a game like CoD, politics and world events are important and sometimes mirrored, so some overlap is going to happen, but for the most part 99.99% of the server is chill with people keeping fandom and politics separate. After this moderation, which to me is business as usual, the Usual Suspects took to the Town-hall chat where people can directly talk with server moderation out in the open, instead of in a private ticket. The general tone of this conversation was in good faith, but some people there stood out to me as trying to create emotional reactions instead of hear the moderators out.

The now-server owner ANT-chan posted this genuinely thoughtful response to the town-hall anxiety whipping:

The question:

The Response:

And that should have been the fucking end of it. No, no these people are STILL going. To date: Leech has received death threats. Been called a pedo and a zionist. This is absolutely not the time to be getting random hate on Twitter from a maximum of six people since these anti fucks can't stop being awful for ten goddamn seconds. I'm pretty sure that at least two of them are using socks to bypass block listings.

The server has been put on blast, with several prominent fandom members being 'called out' for participating in events that the former mods find distasteful. The Dead Dove exchange, as well as making art that they find objectionable. These users are not in fact doing anything beyond existing in the fandom in a place that these Antis do not like. I've been personally inconvenienced by these people because they decided that people I care about are acceptable splash damage in their quest to be the bigest three-ring tantrum in town, and I'm absolutely about to make that a Problem. So yeah, yeah these users are being blocked by the mod team for harassment, they're acting like every Anti I've ever had the displeasure of knowing, and they absolutely don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They're throwing around allegations without proof or even the balls to make it a direct accusation, they're sending the kinds of threats that get you visited by the FBI, they're actively trying to harm a community that I've grown to enjoy in a way that is so utterly 2002 ff.net drama-mongering fandom wank that I want to personally sit them down and ask them genuinely if they know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm certain I wouldn't be impressed. This probably isn't the last I'll write about this. I'm still livid about all of this and I just wanted to make sure that people knew what kind of behavior these people were engaging with behind the veneer of their histrionics. For the ones that will see this and try to call me a Zionist:

Free Palestine. Free Ukraine. Stop the killing of innocents in Palestine, in Darfur, in Iraq, in China, in Myanmar, in Afghanistan, in Ukraine. My heart weeps for the children who will never get the chance to be grown, for the mothers who have to bury their daughters, for the fathers who must grieve their sons. For the children left behind when everything they have known is obliterated by foreign weapons and familiar hate.

Colonialism is an insidious poison and we have to recognize it and weed it out. We must recognize the role of dictatorship and totalitarianism to the continued efforts of colonialism, and in Israel it is called Zionism. I've spent so many years trying to learn the shape of this poison in my own mind and words, and I am endlessly grateful for the friends who have shown me the shapes of cruelty and thoughtlessness that I have since been unlearning. I'm not perfect, I slip up, I'm American and that comes with all the baggage that being an American does. I try my damndest not to be cruel, ever. My activism is not centered on Tumblr or on Twitter or on Discord. I don't want my fandom space and identity to interact with my activist space and identity. I don't want my activism to be celebrated, I want my activism to be effective. I will continue to do what I can to educate, to inspire, to aid. I don't do it here. To insist that my fandom self must be my activist self reeks of the same performance as doing nothing for Rafah or Sudan or Ukraine beyond circulating images of their stolen children. But you had better be damn sure that if you're going to level allegations at my friends, you had best be prepared to back those allegations up with facts and evidence. Otherwise you're just a coward trying to get other people to do the harm for you that you won't stand up and do yourself.

Your stolen valor will not shroud your grave, your self-righteousness will not crown you in this life or any other, and your puritanical authoritarianism will not endear you to those who might have once upon a time been a friend and ally. Your activism is nothing more than a smokescreen, a demand for attention, and your voice is not directed with us towards the ears that must hear it, but instead towards those that would walk beside you in cause, and you are determined to drown them out since they don't believe or behave or look like you. Keep my friends names out of your mouths, you monsters.

Writing a massive CoD tea post, if you don't want to see it please block the tag CallofDrama. Love you guys take care of yourselves watch this space.

[the-void-and-the-mirror]

Fears and anxiety

I'm afraid of a lot, y'know?

I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of saying the wrong things, I'm afraid of others, afraid of others' anger, afraid of so many things. And a lot of these fears are developed by traumas.

I imagine there are many like me, especially from my generation. I know a lot of us had the kinds of parents who stepped all over us when we tried to be ourselves growing up. It makes it hard to speak up when something's wrong.

Mine definitely centres around the fear of others' anger, though. I'm always afraid of what others are thinking of me, walking on eggshells so I don't cause someone to raise their voice at me, and flinching when I think they will. Even when they won't.

When someone raises their voice, even if it's not at me, I immediately want to hide, or I just dissociate. But more often than not, it triggers my flight response. I go someplace to hide. I've had to explain to my partner, that even though I believe he expresses his anger in a very healthy way (he never takes it out on me, he calmly talks to me when I'm at fault. Still, there are times when he'll raise his voice; yelling at the computer, getting frustrated at dropping things when trying to cook. I do it too), and he understands that I just cannot deal with anger well.

That's not to say I'll dismiss others when their anger is justified. I've left a flame burner on too many times after cooking, so it was reasonable when he was upset about it and told me it absolutely had to stop. It's dangerous. And I've fully agreed and accepted fault. But I still shake, worrying about raised voices and yelling, even though he never even raised his voice. It's because my parents would yell, no matter what I did, no matter what I tried to do right. I had abusive partners that would hold things over my head. And though I would like to be supportive when someone is angry, especially in a healthy way, I can't help but dissociate at best, and give trained empathy responses in a best-case scenario.

I never know how to deal with anger. It's something that eludes me to this day. And as I work my way around it, I realise more recently that it's probably become a genuine phobia, and to bring it up in therapy for sure.

A phobia, because I always try to avoid conflict. Because I immediately default to trying to please the person I've offended, and apologising way too many times, and bending over backwards to make up for it as much as I can. I'm afraid of being in the way in the grocery store, I make an effort to almost always move out of peoples' ways. I don't like talking to my mum, because I'm afraid it's always going to be an argument. We never see eye-to-eye, and I'd rather cut her out of my life. But I'm afraid of the fight that would follow the second I cut her out. Even strangers, when I just do the slightest thing awkward for a single second, I end up terrified with a thousand thoughts in my head of how they must have thought of me.

Once in a while though, I remind myself to breathe. I remind myself I'm allowed to exist, I'm allowed to take up space, I'm allowed to do the little baby steps it takes to face something. I don't have to be perfect right away. And having someone to grow with that doesn't judge me helps immensely, too, if I dare myself to just reach out to him, to share with him my fears and pains.

And even with myself reminding me of these, it's only a little bit of kindness. Standing up for myself still takes every last ounce of energy I have, and sometimes even then, I can't will myself to. No amount of preparing or pep-talking can push my fears aside enough to do it, sometimes; a lot of the time. No amount of therapy I've had has fixed that. I've had to learn other ways to share what I'm feeling. I've learnt that writing messages for the other to read works very effectively, and I can write everything I mean. But I'll shake and cry while they read the message, terrified that it might be the relationship's end.

But when it doesn't happen, when there's understanding and mutual respect, I get just the littlest bit stronger. It tells me I can trust someone, even if it's only a little bit more. And next time, I can be a little more brave when I need to reach out. It's both the most terrifying thing I can do, and the most comforting relief when it passes. And if I can be a little more brave with one person, and have their support, I can be brave with another. And all I hope is to one day view myself as others view me, as a person worth loving and defending, and making a difference for.

The babysteps matter, every last one. I take a little bit of courage, posting my feelings here. And I hope you can find a little bit of courage in opening up to someone you trust. And if you have no one to share with yet, or aren't ready to take that step, I hope you give yourself a little bit of understanding. You don't have to make that jump today. It's okay to wait until you're ready. And when you do, I hope you find a world of support.

[frodokas]

WHY I DISLIKE AOT'S ENDING

Well, the journey has ended - and I've never imagined that it would happen in a disappointing way like this. Before I'd jump into anything THIS ISN'T A HATE POST - I respect Isayama and am really grateful his more than a decade-long hardwork, preciseness. I completely understand that in the end he got tired of it and he absolutely has the right to finish his own story as he pleases - but as auidence we have the right to criticize it in a cultured way. The post is based off the untranslated, korean chapter. Not proof-read.

SPOILERS FOR ATTACK ON TITAN'S 139TH (FINAL) CHAPTER BELOW!!!

The conclusion of Mikasa. Okay, we've had our rounds(bee - boo) why I'm personally not a big fan of her and why she's objectively a badly-written character - but I'd be upset even as a Mikasa fan. I was glad that she seemingly was ready to let Eren go, BUT NO. Mikasa killed Eren, but didn't actually let him go. Seemingly she's gonna grieve over him forever, and this isn't a good message, it isn't a big development from her - I think this is a very bad (main!!!) character writing - many people refer to Mikasa a badass, independent, but she sticks to her deceased loved one in a self-destructive way, even withdrawing from society. I understand that she isn't able to process Eren's death, but I they could've shown it to us in a better way. Mikasa isn't a good role model in general, especially with this conclusion of her story.

I've always been reassuring myself, that Historia will surely have a reason being almost written-out. Well, her pregnancy didn't have importance, the identy of the father neither. Just an easy, plot-saving movement, which is really disappointing, it completely ruins her character.

No titans anymore. A thing I enjoyed about Attack on Titan is that actions, decisions actually had weight - if something happened that couldn't be turned back. I was almost certain that everyone will turned back into human - suprise, suprise I was right. It was just a cheap movement to keep the fans thrilled for a month. My heart cried for Connie and Jean, but this upsets me even more.

Jean really didn't have a vision about Marco? REALLY? When the spirits of all the deceased SC members are there, and Jean, one of the most important characters doesn't have a last-last goodbye with the person WHO WAS THE MAIN MOTIVE FOR HIM? It's okay if you ruin this man's whole character arc, but now totally forgetting about a thing that has determined his personality, development and actions during the WHOLE series? Keep me hung.

Connie, where's your mom? You were fighting for her and would even feed a child if that meant you can bring her back to life. HAHAHA.

I think I won't list all the characters whose development and/or arc were thrown into trash.

Everything is just rushed. I haven't been satisifed with the last eight-ten chapters - they weren't logical, some characters started to act OOC and the story just fell into pieces, being the shadow of itself. The Attack on Titan was a morally grey story about soldier life and centuries of hatred, but it got sugarcoated in the end - former enemies are acting like nothing happened, like none of the killed each other's loved ones or committed mass war-crimes. Yes, I know they've been trough a lot - but suddenly the whole world just forgets all of it? Meh. Completely goes against what AoT was originally about.

Of course, it's not a catastrophe, there were some stuff I enjoyed:

Levi's fate. He's an average character, but at least everything is okay about him - there are no holes. He's fufilled his promise to Erwin and now (as predicted) he is the only remaining veteran SC member of his generation. The last one. Also, his salute was beautiful despite the fact I didn't like the whole "SC ghosts" element in the series.

Gabi-Falco reunion. Anatomy 0%, meme material at max.

Overall the first ~130 chapters. They were truly excellent.

I'm grateful, that this story ever existed, its messages, characters and story is still something outstanding. I feel bad for it, I'm disappointed but that's it. It be like that sometimes.

Hitch is a mood as always. Gotta love this bitch.♡

[phoenixyfriend]

ok wait. OBI-WAN vs anakin's genome being 50% the Force. go

Okay I'm assuming this is in the context of GG Stewjon AU

In which case! We're in luck! Obi-Wan is a Spark, and Sparks have a very tenuous grasp on the whole 'respect for procedure' thing and are going to be much less upset, on average, than a lab manager type like Karin.

So we'll assume they've been doing the whole "Obi-Wan teaches Anakin how to do A Science without going completely bonkers, how to time your cackling so that you feel like you're releasing a valve on your emotions instead of just throwing it around for no reason, how to avoid electrical arcing with dramatic effect," thing for a year or two. Anakin's got a good grasp on it, and he's primarily a mechanics spark, so even though his projects are often significantly more dangerous than many people's, because things go boom, he's generally considered less worrying than Obi-Wan, because Obi-Wan is an adult, one who often comes out of the lab covered in blood and spinal fluid and--

Anyway. They're used to each other.

Qui-Gon always sits in the corner with a book, some tea, and a wealth of experience in managing a baby Spark. The corner has a square of tape on the floor that's labeled to make it clear this is his corner, and also the only section of the lab where people can eat and drink. Maybe there's a low-level forcefield that people can walk through but keeps out unfortunate gasses that could land on the food. If he's not available, someone of a similar level of "can control these madboys" will be. Yoda likes taking this duty. Nobody wants him to, but he does anyway.

(He has an unfortunate habit of encouraging them.)

There's a rotating cast of healer/starfighter padawans who get assigned to play lab assistant for practice with high-stress situations where it won't get a patient/pilot killed if they fuck up, and also so they get used to being able to tell someone with COMMAND to fuck off and stop doing something stupid before they get everyone killed. Anakin might be eleven, but he has the harmonics, okay. Most people listen instinctively to the first few seconds of orders and then go "wait, he's a baby" and stop. Obi-Wan is harder to ignore, so it's great practice for learning to tell Authorities With Bad Ideas to shove off.

So, now that we've got that set up, we can say that two years in, Obi-Wan asks Anakin if he can pretty please take a look at his genome, because he's circled back around to midichlorian counts in his studies and he recalls the actually quite fascinating--

Padawan.

Er. Yes. Right. Well, Anakin, your blood had some anomalies that I'd like to take a closer look at, do you mind?

And they do that! Obi-Wan gets a blood sample, Anakin goes back to doing questionable upgrades to a zeppelin--he was inspired by some of the stories Obi-Wan told about his and Qui-Gon's last "I need to talk to experienced Sparks who can give me advice on how to manage this incredibly rare neurotype that is pretty much nonexistent outside of this one planet" trip to Albia's Empire, he wants to make zeppelins for a few months, it's fine--and Qui-Gon keeps reading his book. Obi-Wan Does A Science to the blood. What kind of science? Unclear, but he's doing it.

I'm not sure what he finds, but I am sure that it makes him happy, and he spends a significant amount of time trying to tease out answers from the cells. Why is the DNA wrapping in this specific way?! What's with the error message he's getting from Chromosome 12?! Why is the mitochondrial RNA the wrong color?! What are these organelles?! Why are they glowing in ultraviolet?!

He's having a lot of fun and Anakin's eager to help him make Neat New Scanners to figure out more weird blood things.

Qui-Gon got in a new brand of tea, would any of the padawans on rotation like a taste while the madboys have their Maniacal Laughter break?

[fakeloveaskblog]

Hi Logan, how do I even start? Save this number, if you want to. I have been supporting Remy through texts for a bit. They have revealed to me some very troubling things in the past. Things like, their boyfriend kicking their cane from under them as a ‘joke’? Those kinds of things.

Virgil, that's his name by the way, also kind of yells at them a lot at times, and tells them they're worthless except for the use he can give to their body and that nobody else will ever love them. They believe they are horrible. They believe they deserve it. They appear to think their disability makes them only a burden to him and nothing else and while I have tried to convince them to the contrary I honestly don't believe I can when they're still trapped by choice in such a toxic environment.

I have tried to help and give them the tools to better their self-esteem and combat that, and send them nice text messages in general, but that hasn't helped in anything more than a superficial level. If you can do something, anything, or could take their case to someone who can something, I'd really appreciate that.

(Words: 2088)

(Talk of U!Virgil)

Logan: "That is...That is" He took a moment to gather himself "That is even worse than I had estimated"

"This must have been happening the other times we met them too right? And we didn't notice anything. We should have- we-" Patty mumbled out. Her voice was shaky.

She had just gotten home half an hour ago or so, she wasn't even fully out of her cosplay makeup. Logan had immediately pulled her into a hug which wasn't uncommon but he'd held onto her so hard it hurt and he’d been close to collapsing into the hug.

All it took was her asking if he was alright for him to tell her everything. He couldn't keep a secret from her even if he tried.

Now they sat in the couch. Logan had his head leaned on her chest and she had moved her arms around his waist. All they'd eaten was some of the leftover pie from Lo's date a few days ago because both of them were far too worked up to even think about cooking.

Patty pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to think "Okay well if they're being emotionally abused as what we know suggest then...I..is there even anyone we can contact that could help. I mean there's no- there's no evidence right? Or well- it's just- it's their word against Virgil's and if they won't even say Virgil is abusing them then there's nothing!"

"We can kidnap them" Logan pointed out.

"That we can"

Logan sighed “Do you think talking to them would even make a difference? They seem to already hate me so now it’s even less likely that they’ll listen”

“Well honey you can always try. They go to the same therapist as Janus right? So you can just casually ‘run into them’ right?” She gave him a loving kiss “I know my lil smarty-sweetheart can help them”

He sent her a tired smile “I’ll try”

--

Remy wasn’t as upset from the therapy session as they usually were. It had mostly been discussing how they felt about maybe being poly. They still thought they deserved a smoke break afterwards though so now they sat on bench right outside the entrance, they were on their third cigarette.

They had their head leaned against the back of the bench and was looking up at the greying sky and falling leaves so they didn’t notice when Logan sat down. He kept his distance to not startle them but cleared his throat to get their attention.

“Are you also waiting for someone?” He asked.

They glanced over to him “Girl go fuck yourself with a rake”

“Noted. I will put it in my calender. I for one am here to pick up Janus after his therapy is over for the day. Mayhaps I will show him some more star trek”

“Okay great gal. Then I’m just like waiting for Remus I guess” They pressed the cigarette into their leather jacket to put it out so they could leave as soon as they saw their cru- friend.

Logan inched closer “Is your bruise healing well?”

“Just ‘cause we’re in the same place doesn’t mean we have to talk to each other!” They snapped back.

“Exscuse me, I was simply worried about your physical health”

They rolled their eyes and crossed their arms before mumbling out “It’s fine. It’s whatever. I haven’t done it again so like forget it” 

“I am relieved to hear that”

Silence fell over them. Remy refused to look at him. Logan tried to figure out what was the best way to ask them about Virgil.

“....Your boyfriend did not insult you once you came home right?” He asked them in such a soft tone as if any slight wrong saying would make them implode on themself.

“Girl there you go again with your stupid fucking bullshit. I don’t wanna like talk about it!....Not ‘cause anything happened but ‘cause I hate you! You don’t- we don’t- we’re not friends! Why are you just like forcing yourself in on my private life! It’s like- it’s like fucking stalking!”

Logan reached out his hand to comfort them but quickly stopped himself “I am sorry. I don’t know how to best formulate this but I sincerely don’t mean to upset you like, neither do I know how to not upset you. All I know is that I want you to be okay and that if my partner treated me like yours seem to do I wouldn’t be able to stay”

Remy’s hair fell in front of their face as they leant their head in their plams “You don’t get it” They muttered.

“I am sure I don-”

“IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY! It’s not like I have any savings an-and I’m not able to keep a job and without Virgil I have no way to buy medicine and- Like do you just want me to walk out and become homeless and like starve to death? Is that it? Like even if I wanted to leave, which I don’t, It’s not like I have a choice!”

A quiet sniffle came from them. Logan gave them a moment to gather their breathe.

“I...I didn’t mean to make it sound like leaving was easy” Logan murmured “I understand that you have probably been forced to think like you have no choice but to stay. I am aware of how crippling manipulation like that can be” 

He leaned closer and even though they didn’t look at him he still sent them his most caring look as he continued.

“But I promise you that there are other options. You aren’t stuck. I am willing to let you stay at my apartment for however long you need and if you aren’t comfortable with that I am sure Janus or Remus would let you stay as well. I can even pay for a motel if that would be better. Depending on what part of your disability is making you unable to work I am sure that could be fixed. For example a wheelchair could help! My point is that you do have a choice, even if it’s very understandably hard to think that”

Remy’s shoulders were shaking. Logan gently placed his hand on top of their bony shoulder. Every vein was visible through their light skin.

At just the hint of his touch they flinched away. They stumbled up from the bench and took a few steps away. They looked at him with reddened eyes.

“No. No. Girl you- you just don’t get it! That’s all!” They spat out, their voice was shaky as well “You haven’t like lived with me. Once you or Remus o-or anyone spends enough time with me you’ll realize what an annoying overemotional burden I am! An-and then I’ll get thrown out! Okay!? So-so it’s not really- I don’t actually have a choice ‘cause I’ll just get thrown out. Virgil is the only who will ever bother to deal with me for this long! ‘cause he loves me! And no one else will love me like he does. S-so just shut up!”

Logan stood up as well and took an unsure step towards them. They looked so weak, as if a single push from the wind would make them crumble. 

“It’s okay. I hear what you are saying” Logan assured.

“An-and it’s like- Virgil needs me! And I need him! That’s like how it works! I can’t just leave him! What if- who will calm him down from his panic attacks?! And if I leave what if he gets s-so upset and like anxious he hurts himself! He’s said there was a chance he would!! I can’t risk it! I have to stay! He needs me! I-I need- I can’t- I can’t leave”

Logan nodded along “It’s okay. I understand. I understand”

“You don’t! You’re a idiotic bitch! I hope all your stupid fucking ties get destroyed in the washer!” Remy was close to yelling.

“Harsh but I see your point. To be honest everything you have said has made me even more worried. From my experience a relationship shouldn’t make you feel this way! It shouldn’t make you come up with reasons to stay! It shouldn’t hurt you!” Logan reached out to comfort them once more. “I promise it shouldn’t hurt”

“It’s not hurting me! YOU are hurting me!”

Logan was taken aback. He didn’t know what to say. His arms moved to hang helplessly along his sides. Remy opened their mouth to say something more but then

“Hey uh what’s going on? Are you roleplaying a death match?” Remus stood in the entrance to the building. He glanced between the two of them.

“This idiot is trying to destroy my relationship!” Remy exclaimed.

“While it is not my place to explain the full situation without their permission I can assure you that I am merely worrying for their mental and physical health and I am unsure if their relationship is good for them from what I’ve heard” Logan explained.

Remus barely even hesitated before moving in front of Remy. He moved his arms out and let them lean against him to catch their breathe, like he was a human shield protecting them from Logan. 

Logan hadn’t seen Remus angry before and he didn’t look fully enraged, but there was a hint of anger in eyes as he sneered at him.

“Well I’m sorry Loganson but not every relationship is totally perfect and works without any arguments like you and your wife relationship apparently does!” He spat out.

“I can assure you that me and my wife’s relationship hasn’t been argument free but that doesn’t mean I have ever even thought about insulting her like Remy’s boyfriend seemingly ha-”

“You’re not Remy!” Remus snapped “You’re a guy who dresses like a 40 year old math teacher who is losing the children in the divorce! Leave them alone!” 

Remy was bordering on cowering behind Remus. Their whole body seemed to shake as a few tears spilled down their cheeks. They met Logan’s eyes.

“If the bullshit you’re saying is true, which it like isn’t but if it was that- that means I’ve spent my whole life being abused” They forced out through tears “How can you Ever you expect me to live with that?”

Logan didn’t have an answer to that. He watched on as Remus placed his hands on Remy’s shoulders and gently guided them to turn away. He bonked their foreheads together and wiped their tears away.

“C’mon beanie-boo I can take you to the amusement park to cheer you up! Or we can find some lsd and get high so you can hallucinate beating the shit out of the stinky Log guy!” Remus exclaimed as they walked away.

A headache began to form in Logan’s head as he slumped back down on the bench. He stared out at the nearly empty parking lot. He didn’t understand what he did wrong. 

He wished he could talk to Virgil. He wished he could see him eye to eye and chew him out for ever making Remy feel like a burden, for ever making them feel trapped. A part of him wanted to punch him.

He was so zoned out into the overthinking he didn’t realize how much time was passing until Janus got out from his therapy session. As soon as Jan saw his boyfriend he let up into a shining smile and hurried over to him.

“Hi dear! Aww did you miss me so much you had to come pick me up! How charming!” Janus hesitated before kissing Logan on the lips. It still made him all giggly.

Normally seeing him so giddy would have made Logan overabundant with happiness....but now all he could think about was if he should tell Janus about Remy’s situation or not. They were friends right? Could it help? Would they listen to their friend?

Logan’s head hurt so bad. None of it made sense. There was no logical answer. How Janus reacted could make everything worse. He didn’t want to ruin everything more than he already had.

“Darling? Are you feeling alright? Has something happened?” Janus asked while taking his hand.

“I....I....” Logan looked over to you.

Logan: “I am so sorry to do this but do you have any idea what to do? The human emotion and it’s reactions are so illogical I don’t- I don’t understand- I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry- Should I tell Janus about the suspected abuse or should I lie?”

[trashahime]

Anon, sorry for taking so long and the length. There was a lot to address and I tend to ramble. Due to the length I am going to divide your ask in chunks and respond to each paragraph individually for clarity's sake.

I'm curious as to why you have addressed this to Sesskagu shippers both here and later. TBH, this alone will make many doubt that you are truly neutral because you seem to have fallen for the common but false claim that the anti sentiment has it's roots in bitterness over a lost ship war.

Those supporting the end are made up of a variety of people who are simply united in their dislike/disappointment. Among them are shippers and non-shippers, antis, neutrals and even some SR fans who are bothered by how their ship is portrayed.

Personally, I don't think it takes any kind of mental gymnastics to have a problem with how Sessrin is depicted in Yashahime. There are some antis who probably do purposely make the worst possible interpretations to fuel their disgust/anger. But most are being completely sincere in their belief that Rin was married and pregnant by the time she was 15. You have probably already seen and dismissed all the anti arguments to support this view so it would be pointless to rehash them. You can believe it's just about disliking Sessrin but there were many antis like myself who were willing to accept the relationship even if we found it distasteful had Sunrise gone about things differently.

Each "hater" has their own reason for continuing to watch the show and I can't speak for them. Or as a "hater" either as I enjoyed the show. But I also think it's a trainwreck with many issues and problematic portrayals.

If people are targeting individuals and maliciously interacting with their posts then that is definitely harassment. However, I suspect you also mean the general posts made by antis criticizing those who watch the show.

The belief that watching/supporting Yashahime equals supporting a p*dophilic portrayal of Sessrin and other unsavory stuff is an opinion I disagree with. But I also disagree that expressing that opinion is harassment.

I get why you find it to be extremely harsh and hurtful but I also think you are taking it very personally when you needn't.

Consider my position. I'm an anti that still enjoys Yashahime. Most of those posts are made by my moots, some of which I have very friendly interactions with. I have even more reason to feel personally attacked by them but I don't. Just because I respect someone's right to an opinion that doesn't mean I am obligated to agree with it and make it apply it to myself. Unless you agree that liking Yashahime means condoning p*dophilia, then I'd advise you to take the view that those posts don't pertain to you at all.

As for petitions, bad reviews, being glad Yashahime is almost over... Well that's some of the least offensive actions an anti can take. Two of the three are against corporations, not fellow fandom members and the other is just a celebration amongst themselves.

They don't affect anyone else unless the petitions and bad reviews are substantial enough to put the shows future in jeopardy. IMO, the correct counter action is good reviews and supportive petitions, not telling antis to stop. They have the right to express their opinions.

I have seen many grooming and csa survivors say they also don't view Sessrin as having those aspects. However, there are many survivors on the anti side that strongly disagree. While I think that the opinions of those who have endured similar circumstances have more weight, it also creates kind of a never ending tug of war situation where neither side can really "win" the argument because they are equally balanced. For every survivor saying it is, there is one saying it's not.

Generally, I choose not to use the words p*dophilia or grooming when describing the Sessrin relationship or say that everyone who likes the pairing is a P&G apologist.

Many antis don't agree on this, but I think it's possible to have headcanons and scenarios that result in a version of Sessrin in which those things are not present. Fanonwise anyway. To me, the canon situation can definitely be interpreted to believe that they are present.

Mostly, I tend not to use the terms because they have specific psychological and legal definitions. That makes it very easy for SR fans to completely dismiss the idea that they could apply to Sessrin because it's not a perfect fit. I think if it turns out to be part of actual canon or if it's just part of one's own headcanon that Sesshomaru was "waiting" for Rin to grow up and courting her with gifts like the kimonos then that means he had a romantic interest in her when she was too young for it to be acceptable.

He might not be a technical p*do in that he is attracted to children, but his thoughts and actions are of one with regards to Rin. I agree with those that say Sesshomaru would never intentionally manipulate or pressure Rin to be with him, thus not "technically" grooming.

However, informing her via courting that he wants to be with her when she is older does put a type of manipulative pressure on her. For years, she will have to live with the knowledge that her literal savior, the most important person to her in the world, someone she loves and doesn't want to disappoint, is waiting for her. It will absolutely influence her life choices and who she becomes.

No need to apologise, I don't mind being vented at and am clearly prone to long-ass messages myself.

I think you do have some valid frustrations but I don't think they all are.

It's often forgotten that antis are major fans too. Many wanted to love Yashahime but in their eyes Yashahime "bashes" the OG and it's characters. It's ruined something they held near and dear. And they are highly upset about it.

Think about it, that's probably why you and others are so angry at the criticism. It's bashing something you all enjoy or maybe even love and it's making you highly upset. You all are more alike then you realize.

You can let it all impact your fandom experience or realise there is very little you can do about it because that criticism, even if you find it unfounded, harsh or extreme has the right to exist provided it doesn't break the rules of the website. You won't be able to block it all away.

it's a tired old cliche but it's true that you can't control what others do, only your own reaction to it. And frankly I think some of your reactions are as extreme as to what you ascribe to antis. I mean, you want them to stop celebrating the end of Yashahime. How does that really personally affect you?

A change in perspective as I described earlier goes a long way in not taking anti criticism personally. It even works when you are being personally attacked. I have seen posts about me specifically saying I am a deluded and deranged individual with real life mental health issues just because I think Kagura is the mom. Those people don't know me and I know the truth about myself. So why let someone's unfounded false world view affect me or my fandom experience?

Anyway, you probably just wanted to rant and weren't expecting or wanting this massive response. I hope you find a way to deal with the negativity because it's not completely avoidable but it will die down eventually.

[buckybeardreams]

Actually also, 14 from any fic whatsoever, did any of them have some kind of moral message you hopes would get stuck with the readers? The stuff about consent?

Consent is always important which I definitely end up bringing up in a lot of my fics

In the three pieces series we see Bucky feeling very strongly about consent and Tony pointing out things like how it's okay that Steve likes being hurt and Bucky likes hurting him because they both like it, and Bucky insisting that safewords are important even tho Steve says he won't ever use them.

In tempting we see a lot about consent too, also there was that one thing that we talked about with the first heat and how Steve didn't think it was a big deal that Bucky knew he couldn't consent and didn't tell Tony. We had that talk about how even if something turns out to be fine in a specific situation and even if the person that it happened to isn't upset about it that doesn't really mean that it was okay.

So yeah I'd say consent is a big one and in a lot of my fics I generally try to get that message across. Especially since I write a lot of bdsm and so I feel like safewords and aftercarecare are really important if you're trying to depict a healthy relationship, which is not always my intention, but when that is what I'm going for there's almost always some sort of negotiation or implied negotiations to try and highlight the importance of consent.

So that's not really any one fic but if I had to choose, well I guess I do remember during the writing of 3 pieces that I felt real strongly about Bucky insisting that Steve has a safeword even tho Steve himself didn't think it was important.

Steve's only experiences before that were with Bucky pre-war, back before they really understood consent, and then with Tony and neither of them really thought much about safewords or negotiations and for Tony I think he saw it as less of doing scenes and more of just fooling around.

So having Bucky say that he wasn't going to budge on safewords while they were negotiating, was important to me and I would hope that if only one thing was going to be taken away from that fic it would be that safewords are always a very good thing to have.

[mental-health-advice]

hey, i need some advice. a few months ago, i made a friend online. we sped through the stages of friendship in a few days, but i had an underlying anxious feeling the whole time. looking back, it was probably because he was very clingy (i felt like i had to be there for him 24/7) and rude to me. he would call me dumb or stupid as a joke, but they still hurt my feelings, and he made sexual comments about me that made me really uncomfortable. i wanted to ask him to stop, but i didn't have any other friends in my life and i was scared of losing him, even though i was somewhat aware that he wasn't good for me.

r eally soon after we started talking, he told me he liked me romantically. i did not feel the same way, but i was so scared of making him upset i had that i lied to him and convinced myself i did. i felt constantly sick after that, and soon i told him that i was wrong and i didn't feel the same way. he was understandably upset, it made talking to him even more uncomfortable for me.

i was still feeling really anxious all the time as a result of talking to him, and i told him that i was going to stop being so active online to focus on other things, as i had been neglecting nearly everything in my life to be there for him. he was upset about that too and would send messages like "i miss you" and "i wish we could talk more" that made me feel guilty when i was doing anything other than talking to him. i told him that, but he didn't stop.

i wished i had never become his friend and wanted to cut him off completely. i wasn't sleeping much and was feeling horrible this whole time, and really wanted to just disappear and be forgotten. eventually, i decided to just do it, and i blocked him and deleted any accounts that he could contact me on and haven't heard from him since.

i had hoped that i could just forget about it and move on, i feel like i'm overreacting when i have panic attacks over this. i feel like i was the problem, and like i was making a big deal out of nothing because he was well-intentioned. i hate the idea that he knows i exist and might mention me to other people. i overshared a lot while we were still talking and he knows way more about me than i'm comfortable with, and i'm paranoid he might share that information with people, even if i'd never find out about it and he couldn't effectively link it to me as he only knows my first name. we also video called a few times, and the idea that he could have pictures of my face really upsets me.

i feel like i shouldn't care, but i worry that i made him sad, and that by disappearing i impacted his mental health. i'm not sure if i made the right decision. talking to him wasn't good for me, i know that, but he wasn't mean all the time. we had fun together at some points, but i think overall it was a negative experience for me, but a positive one for him, as i was so desperate for approval that i would basically do anything he wanted and completely formed my schedule around him.

i'm really caught up in what i feel like i should have done. i think the right thing to do would have been to tell him some of these things before disappearing, but i wasn't really thinking sensibly at the time and instead panicked and disappeared. i've seen a lot of posts about how ghosting someone is terrible and never the right thing to do, which just makes me feel even worse.

i don't have anyone to talk to about this, my parents have specifically told me to never make friends online and i don't have any close friends in real life. even if i did have someone to talk to, i'd be embarrassed about it because i got myself into this situation in the first place and handled it horribly, and it's a dumb thing to be so worked up about.

in general, i don't know how to handle my feelings about the situation and feel better again. i know i can't live life constantly upset about something that happened several months ago, with someone who lives thousands of miles away who i'll hopefully never hear from again, but i don't know how to stop.

i feel so anxious that i am in a lot of physical pain and feel really nauseous. i can't sleep, and am exhausted to the point that i can't do anything. i've tried everything i know, regulated breathing, grounding exercises, distracting myself with things i like, etc but nothing has worked. i made a lot of bad decisions and i don't know how to move on from them.

Hey lovely,

Making friends online can be wonderful, but I’ve also had the experience that it can become quite dependent and therefore not healthy anymore. As with any other friendship, online friendships can go both ways!

It sounds like your friendship turned unhealthy. Having to be there for someone 24/7 isn’t healthy and isn’t good for the friendship, or for you! And jokes like that are only hurtful and not funny whatsoever. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could stand up for yourself at that time. You definitely deserved to have stood up, but I really do understand why you didn’t feel like you could.

I think it’s really good that you eventually told him you weren’t romantically interested in him. It might have upset him, but it had to come out eventually and the sooner the better. It wasn’t fair on either of you to have kept things going. So well done!

I also think it’s really good that you tried to set a boundary by telling him that you wouldn’t be online as much anymore. That’s honestly a great step. He should have respected that boundary and shouldn’t have made you feel bad about it.

And I think you made a good call in blocking him and deleting those accounts. Like I said, your friendship sounds like it wasn’t healthy and setting boundaries hadn’t helped before, so this was a good next step to take.

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! This was a difficult time for you and it’s bound to have its effects on you. But please take it from me: you weren’t the problem! From what you’ve outlined, he was very clingy and dependent and that can take its toll on a friendship.

Unfortunately you can’t change him knowing you and knowing information about you. I think that’s something that will take some time getting used to, but I believe you can get there! Since it is affecting you a lot, I do think it would be helpful to speak to a counsellor or other mental health professional about.

You are not responsible for his mental health. Maybe it upset him, you don’t know that. But in the end, you are your first priority. Staying in this friendship would have hurt you, and that is not okay and should be prevented! You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Did you find it helpful to type this out and write to us? I can imagine that it might have felt like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Maybe you could try something like this more often? It doesn’t have to be an ask to us, but can also be a journal entry, or something you write down and then tear up or burn. Whatever feels best for you!

I hope this helped. Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline