#i’ve started to shy away from using it bc its meaning seems to get lost

[cowardlybean]

ok so

beyond being gross and weird I think there’s something to be said about the lack of literary analysis in proshipping (this post is about mp100 in particular but this can apply elsewhere)

there’s two points I’m getting at here: lack of understanding of the characters being interpreted, and intent of author

first of all, the common rebuttal to “he would not fucking say that” is “it’s just fiction and for fun” (which is just a really common rebuttal for everything but that’s beside my point). But that point lacks acknowledgement that their interpretation isn’t based on the source material. For example: Reigen, the guy who notoriously stood up against a terrorist organization to keep kids from being in danger, being interpreted as a pedophile (there’s no soft way to put it). It’s going directly against what is set up in a (in my opinion) disrespectful way. Also there’s a point to be made about trampling over platonic relationships for the sake of shipping and how that applies to proship but i digress!

There are methods to have characters act in ways they would not normally. In fact, most of my favorite fics across all of my fandoms do this!! What they all have in common is an understanding of that character that explains what pushed them to the point of deconstructing their own morals and values. “Wouldn’t it be fucked up if this happened?” works so much better when you can see how it led to that point. And even then I’d venture to say there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed, knowing these characters do in fact belong to the author, but me drawing lines in the sand isn’t going to be accurate to everyone’s view. It’s always going to be a nuanced topic!

Second of all is the importance of authors intent when reading. Rather than applying this to the base media, however, I’m pivoting focus onto those creating proship content. What is their intent while writing? Through unfortunate exposure in Multiple fandoms I see these common reasons: fluffy content with or without acknowledging the ship being (for lack of a better word. i wish i knew a better one) problematic, dark content such as gore or rape, or (there’s no way to put this lightly) jackoff material. Keep in mind these are generalizations, but im also not giving some of these people the time of day to add defenses.

The “fluffy” content I can sometimes see as the author of the content not understanding the consequence of the ship itself (incest and pedophilia bad) due to a multitude of factors, and I genuinely do think there are learning experiences for them in non negative or aggressive ways. Dark content I can make a case that this is a form of self harm whether intentional or unintentional, however for some this gets looped into the last category. Finally, it’s pretty obvious some people just yank their shit to incest and pedophilia and I REALLY don’t think I need to explain why that’s bad. Point is, it’s important to consider proshippers intent, and how it’s more complex than just gross people who are intentionally malicious. I think there’s learning experiences here for every proshipper, however those who refuse to acknowledge that their actions have consequences (entirely different post to make there about how proshipping can in fact have real life repercussions) I hold a special vendetta against.

To conclude I’ll say I’m not someone who calls myself an “Anti”. Do I hate proshipping? Yes, absolutely I do. But I also enjoy fiction with darker topics that are handled in a critical manner!! Think Oyasumi Punpun. Good manga btw, absolutely horrifying though. I don’t think dark subjects should be kept out of fiction but I do think they should be handled with care.

[luffles424]

In Between

☼ Pairing: Jungkook x reader (x Jungkook ?)

☼ Genre: college au, twin au, smut, mostly pwp but there’s like, some plot at the end

☼ Count: 7.1K

☼ Warnings: unprotected sex (stay safe!), creampie, spit-roasting, double penetration, oral (m & f recieving), ass eating, hair pulling, some spanking (+ 1 (one) thigh slap), dom/sub undertones, threesome, tattooed JK (cause that’s a whole warning itself), thigh riding, marking, piercings 🤪, slight nipple play, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, squirting, fingering, praise kink, dirty talk, manhandling, both shy jungkook and bad boy jungkook bc i’m clearly a glutton for punishment 🤪🤪, the boys don’t fuck each other, they’re solely there for READER

☼ Summary: When you agreed to go to Jeongguk’s frat party, you certainly hadn’t expected it to end with you end his bed. And definitely not the involvement of his twin.

The bass thumps through the house. You press your back to one of the walls in the living room, cup clutched in front of you like it’ll protect you. You’re really not sure why you agreed to come to a frat party, a BTS frat party no less. Well, you kind of do, the sweet pleading look Jeongguk had given when he’d asked if you’d come had any resolve of yours very quickly and effectively crumbling. You definitely hadn’t expected him to be any part of a frat, let alone invite you to one of their parties. And you’re slightly unsure why he asked you here at all, but you have a few ideas. One you favor the most, backed by the way he stammered through asking you to come when you talked after class. You hoped he’d asked you here as a date, or at least to ask you on a proper date. 

The problem though, is now you are here at the party, abandoned by your friends as they slipped away to dance, and a certain boy missing. You’d looked for him when you’d arrived and made your way to get a drink, but you saw not a single glimpse of him. You figured you’d have better luck finding him if you remained in one spot, allowing the party to pass you, and hopefully Jeongguk as well.

You’re not alone for long when you feel a presence beside you. Turning, you see the man you’ve been looking for and you smile at him, before fully taking him in. He looks different than he did the day before in class. His glasses are gone and his hair seems longer and much more like he just rolled out of bed rather than being carefully styled. Or it could just be the way the hair is styled that makes it seem so much longer than before. His jeans are dark and ripped, and you’re not sure if there’s more skin or fabric. A dark T-shirt stretching tight over muscles draws your attention to his arm and the dark ink that covers the skin on display. 

Had he always had those? You rack your brain, trying to think if you’ve ever seen Jeongguk in short sleeves or if maybe you just weren’t very observant, though you think even if he had only worn long sleeves, you still would’ve noticed the letters inked across his knuckles. But did he really get all those tattoos in the day it’s been since you saw him last? He smirks at you as you look him over, obviously pleased to have already caught your interest. 

You reach out and poke a tattoo on his forearm. “How long have you had these?”

He shifts closer to you, leaning in as he speaks. “These? Had em for ages. Do you want to see the rest? They’re much more interesting, but we’ll have to go upstairs.” He winks. 

You frown, taking a small step back. He’s acting so different from how he acts in class and you don’t know how to handle him now. A call of your name has you turning, brows knitting together as you watch… Jeongguk(?) approach, clad in an oversized yellow shirt that seems much more typical of him. You turn back to the tattooed man for a moment as the other finally reaches you. 

He smiles, something that quickly drops once he sees who is with you and how close he is. “JK, leave her alone.” He huffs.

JK, apparently, chuckles, pressing closer to you and slinging an arm around you. “Chill, lil bro. She was pretty interested in my tattoos. I was just sharing.”

Jeongguk’s face twists as he turns to you. “I’m sorry about him. I think he was dropped on his head as a child.”

“You have a twin? How did I not know that?”

Jeongguk’s head tilts in confusion. “You didn’t? I was sure I’ve mentioned him. Well, probably complained about him.”

“You did, you complained about your brother. But you didn’t say he was your twin.” You stress. One Jeongguk was enough. But two? That was lethal.

“Y/n, huh?” JK pauses for a moment and you can hear the grin curling his lips when he starts speaking again. “Isn’t that the name of the girl you have your massive crush on? The one you asked me for advice on?” JK presses himself to your back, startling you slightly. “Oh, I can see why little Gukkie is interested.”

Jeongguk flushes red all the way up to the tips of his ears. He quickly shakes his head, holding his hands up. “That’s not true. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” He quickly babbles out. 

A flash of hurt goes through you, but it’s gone quickly when you really look at how Jeongguk is behaving. He looks nervous, eyes darting around, landing on anything but you and he was incredibly quick to deny it. You’re fairly positive that he’s lying. You want to go easy on him, but you can’t help maybe teasing him just a little bit. 

“Oh, no? That’s kinda disappointing. I was hoping you had asked me here to tell me that you felt the same way.” You pout.

You hear JK smothering a laugh behind you before his arm is snaking its way around your waist. He hooks his chin on your shoulder. “That’s a shame, little bro. But it’s alright. I can keep Y/n here plenty entertained tonight.” Something dark crosses Jeongguk’s face and JK steps forward, forcing you against Jeongguk and effectively trapping you between the twins. “Unless… You’d like to join us, hm? Because maybe you’re lying about having feelings for our cute little princess right here?”

Your entire body heats at the idea of having them both. While you like Jeongguk a lot, you can’t deny it would be incredibly hot to be fucked by them both. You look up at his face, his eyes are slightly glazed over and you think he might be thinking that same thing. Or maybe he’s just thinking about having you. He swallows and JK is reaching up to grab your chin, holding it as he pulls Jeongguk down and forces your lips together. 

There’s a gasp against your lips but JK doesn’t release either of you until Jeongguk finally gives in to the kiss, hands coming up to cup your cheeks. The kiss is far sweeter than how it started, JK’s fingers rough with each of you. But Jeongguk kisses you like you’ll shatter if he moves wrong and warmth floods you at the gentleness of him. You feel a rumble in JK’s chest where it presses to your back and then his lips are brushing against your ear.

“What do you say, princess? Wanna come upstairs with us? I’d say we don’t normally let a girl come between us, but I think we can make a special exception for you, given the circumstances. You look so pretty trapped in between us.”

You whimper, a sound that’s swallowed by Jeongguk as his tongue slips into your mouth, kiss growing heated with JK’s words. Your mind reels as two hands slip beneath your shirt, resting on the bare skin of your waist. Could you handle both of them? Would it fuck up whatever possibility there was between you and Jeongguk? Did you want to risk it?

JK chuckles in your ear. “Well, Gukkie? Think you can share for the night?”

Jeongguk finally pulls away from your mouth, eyes clouded with lust when he finally blinks them open to look at you. He searches your face for a moment before swallowing. “This isn’t how I wanted tonight to go.” He murmurs, dipping in for another kiss. 

You smile against his lips, hands sliding up his chest to rest on his shoulders. “You mean you didn’t have some grand plan to have a threesome with your crush and your twin?”

He makes a face, cheeks flushing. “No!” He pouts.

“If you really don’t want to, we don’t have to. I’m sure JK can go find something else to occupy himself with.” You hear a hum of confirmation from behind you. 

Jeongguk searches your face again and then glances behind you to look at JK. They share an unspoken conversation before JK is releasing you to take your hand, Jeongguk grabbing the other, and leads you up the stairs. 

The trek down the upstairs hallway is brief, JK pulling you both into a bedroom. There’s two beds on opposite walls and the way the room divides shows just how different the two occupants are from each other, although there are certainly some surprises, like the extensive camera equipment spread out on JK’s desk or the set of boxing gloves hanging on the back of Jeongguk’s desk chair. It makes you want to get to know them both more.

Your observation of their room is short lived as JK is quick to tug you over Jeongguk’s bed, at least you’re assuming it’s his bed since this side of the room uses more of the lighter colors that Jeongguk wears often and not jet black like the other bed. He pulls you close, hands cupping your jaw as he pulls you into a kiss. 

For all that the hands and lips on you are shaped the same, the kiss is wholly different from the one you shared with Jeongguk downstairs. JK kisses you hungrily, like he’s trying to absolutely devour you. There’s nothing tentative in his movements as his tongue swipes across your bottom lip to get you to open up to him. You whimper, hands coming up to fist in his shirt, desperate for something to help keep you a little more grounded. You get lost in the kiss, the rough press of his lips and the way his fingers dig into skin that you forget that Jeongguk is in the room too until he’s pressing himself to your back, lips trailing across your neck to your ear.

“You didn’t forget about me now, did you, princess?” 

You shudder between them, helpless to give any response as JK doesn’t relent in his pursuit to kiss you completely senseless. Teeth nip at your neck as Jeongguk chuckles and then hands are sliding beneath your shirt, skimming up along your ribs to rest just beneath your breasts. You squirm, or at least attempt to, because the second you try to shift to find any sort of relief, the hands under your shirt slide down to hold tightly to your hips as a foot nudges your stance wider and JK is settling his thigh between your legs. You moan as your clothed core is pressed to firm muscle and thoughts of cumming against the thick corded muscles fill your mind.

Jeongguk gives your hips a squeeze and then he’s guiding you in grinding against JK’s legs, damp panties adding to the drag and friction against your clit. Needy moans stick in your throat as JK finally pulls away from your lips, continuing your mindless, guided rutting against his thigh. His eyes are hazy and you watch with fascination as his tongue darts out to swipe across his kiss swollen lips. He winks when he catches your lingering stare. 

Jeongguk gives a firm grind of your hips and, now unmuffled by a kiss, you let out a loud moan that has JK’s gaze dropping to watch your jean clad center rubbing against his thigh. Your hips twitch, fighting to grind yourself against JK to completion, but Jeongguk is surprisingly strong and keeps your hips going at the pace he deems fit for you. 

Jeongguk chuckles in your ear. “I think someone is enjoying watching the show more than he is in participating. Maybe we should make him go sit on his bed and watch.”

JK’s eyes darken as he glares over your shoulder at his brother. He removes his thigh from between yours, leaving you whimpering at the loss. But he’s quick to move on, stripping your shirt from you and displacing Jeongguk from your back. His lips press to your cheek before trailing down your neck, leaving stinging nips as he reaches behind you to deftly undo your bra and slide it off of you. His hands are quick to replace the material, groping at the flesh. 

He looks over your shoulder with hooded eyes. “Give a guy a hand, Gukkie, and get her pants off?”

Jeongguk must make some sort of face at the request, or more likely the way it was phrased because JK smothers a laugh against your collarbone. Jeongguk complies though, hands brushing the bare skin of your waist before slowly sliding down until they are met with denim. He makes quick work of the button and zipper, fingers slipping beneath the fabric as he pushes it down your thighs as far as he can reach. You’re about to attempt to kick them off when Jeongguk’s finger skim lower as he drops to his knees behind you, breath ghosting across the back of your thighs, causing goosebumps to break out across your skin. He helps you out of your pants before his hands slide slowly back up your legs. They stop just below your ass, his fingers digging into the flesh and you gasp. 

JK laughs, nipping once at your neck before lifting his head to grin at you. He gives your breasts a squeeze as his eyes drop to stare at the flesh as it moves beneath his fingers. “You know, for all that we’re twins, we do certainly differ in some ways.” His following grin is lecherous as his eyes drift back up to yours. “Because while I’m more of a tits guy,” he punctuates this with a quick pinch to your nipples before continuing, “Gukkie is a huge ass guy.”

As if in response, Jeongguk’s hands slide just a little further up, groping your ass over the lace of your panties. One hand leaves before it’s quickly coming down in a slap, barely cushioned by the flimsy fabric still covering you. You hear a pleased rumble behind you, the hand back to rub over the stinging area before repeating the process just to watch the flesh of your ass jiggle. 

JK captures your lips in a kiss as one of Jeongguk’s hands slips between your thighs, fingers pressing against the soaking fabric coating your slit. You jump slightly when you feel his lips brushing your skin as he goes to speak, not realizing just how close he was.

“I don’t think she minds that we like different things, JK. In fact,” he presses his fingers to your clit and you gasp against JK’s mouth. “I think she rather enjoys it.”

JK pulls away to smirk at you before he’s dropping slightly to take a nipple into his mouth. His teeth tease at the bud before letting his tongue lav over it and sooth the slight sting and then he’s moving to give the other nipple the same treatment. He kneads your other breast, switching every few seconds from one nipple to the other. Never giving you time to get used to or fully enjoy his mouth on you. 

Jeongguk pulls his fingers away and you’d whine at the loss if not for the fact that he removes his hands to pull your panties down and off of you, leaving you completely bare between the two still fully dressed twins. There’s a groan, though you can’t tell exactly which twin it came from, as JK finally drops fully to his knees before you. His hands squeeze at your thighs before his thumbs pull your pussy lips apart to fully expose your glistening cunt to him.

He lets out a pleased hum. “My, Gukkie. You’re right, she seems to be enjoying it quite a lot.”

Jeongguk’s hands knead at your ass again. “Let’s see what else she enjoys.” He quips before his hands are pulling your cheeks apart and cool air is being blown across your asshole. 

You shudder and teeth nip at the flesh of your cheek. You’re fairly certain that if it wasn’t for the hands holding you up then you would’ve collapsed from the combined stimulation. JK presses a gentle kiss to your belly, drawing your attention down to him just as Jeongguk’s tongue presses hotly to your rim. A moan bubbles out and JK grins as he watches you struggle for words or coherent thought.

He holds eye contact as he adjusts his grip on your thigh and then your leg is being lifted and set on one strong shoulder. Jeongguk’s tongue circles your rim, face pressed closer thanks to the way the new position opens you up for them both. JK keeps one hand firmly pressed to the thigh on his shoulder to keep you stable as he leans forward to press his tongue to your clit and you’re helpless to do little more than moan. 

You slide your fingers into his hair, though you’re not sure if it’s to keep him close or to keep your balance and grounded as the two work in tandem to eat you out. The two work with a scary amount of synchronicity and you’re not sure if it’s because they do this often or if it’s just some twin thing. You can feel your orgasm steadily building the longer their mouths work and then someone’s fingers are circling your entrance before one slips inside. 

Your hands tighten in JK’s hair and before you can wonder for too long as to whose finger is in you, the other joins and slips a finger in as well. Your toes curl in the carpet as their fingers move in counterpoint, each adding another finger as they go and the stretch adds to the pleasure coming from their mouths, the coil in your belly tightening. 

You whine, muscles tensing as you feel the telltale signs of your impending orgasm. JK smiles against you as his lips wrap around your clit and sucks. You cry out, knees nearly buckling as pleasure crashes through you. Jeongguk is first to pull away, giving your ass a quick nip, as his and JK’s fingers continue to pump inside you as you ride out your orgasm. They eventually slip from you and he stands, pressing himself to your back as JK continues to stretch your pleasure out for as long as he can until you push him away when it begins to be too much. 

He pulls away panting, looking up at you with dark eyes and a slick chin. His tongue darts out to lick his lips. “You cum so prettily for us, princess.” He coos as Jeongguk guides you to lay out on the bed, much to the relief of your shaking legs. 

He crawls between your legs, pressing kisses to your belly and up to your breasts where for every nip of the skin is followed by a soothing kiss. 

You tug at his shirt. “Guk…. You too. Wanna see you.”

He gives you a shy smile as he sits back on his heels and tugs his shirt off, dropping it to the floor. You blink at him, he’s far more bulky than his baggy clothes let on. Firm muscles making you want to sink your teeth into them. You push yourself up to your knees, eyes still fixed on his chest and your plan to mark up the pretty unmarked flesh is interrupted by a laugh from beside you. 

You look over, a rush of embarrassment filling you when you realize that you’d forgotten about JK, who seems to have realized that. When he sees that he has your attention back on him, he slowly strips his own shirt off. He’s as toned as Jeongguk, although from JK you had expected it more than the other, but where Jeongguk’s skin is smooth and unmarked, JK’s is covered in ink in a myriad of colors and shapes. The tattoos that you’d seen covering his arm stretch up and across a shoulder and back down his chest and ribs. There’s clearly multiple pieces, made up of different hues and styles, but on him they all mesh together to form one cohesive piece of nothing short of art. 

He smirks at your wide eyed staring and he makes a show of undoing the button and zipper on his jeans and slowly pushing them down thick thighs. Your eyes widen at the immediate unobstructed view of his hard cock that greets you the second the denim is pushed down far enough, thanks to his apparent dislike of underwear. He’s thick, more average in length, but you know that it’ll feel amazing once it’s inside of you. And as your gaze drags to the tip you gasp at the glittering silver piercing at the head of his cock that shines with precum. 

He smirks, kicking his pants off completely and then reaching for himself to give his cock a slow almost lazy stroke, thumb brushing over the metal and you’re fully enraptured by the glinting piece of steel. He comes closer and the only way you can describe it is that he’s stalking towards you. Cupping your jaw, he tilts your head up and brushes his lips against yours. 

“Did you like what you saw, princess?” You give a dazed nod and JK chuckles, tongue darting out to swipe across his bottom lip, just barely grazing yours in the process. “Then I have quite the pleasant surprise for you.”

He climbs back up onto the bed, ignoring the questioning look you shoot him, and positions himself behind you. Hands gripping your hips, he pulls you flush against him, cock pressed firmly to the line of your ass and you can feel the warm ball of his piercing searing into your flesh. You’d rather it be your tongue that was touching it. He groans, indulging in a momentary pause to simply rut against you, relishing the friction against his aching cock. But as quick as he started, he stops, a monumental feat of self control and hooks his chin on your shoulder and directs your gaze forward towards Jeongguk, who’s staring at the both of you with a look that seems to be a mix of envy and lust. 

“Gukkie, why don’t you strip for her now.” It’s spoken like a request but it comes across as more of a command. 

Jeongguk looks shy for a moment, hands fidgeting before he’s standing from the bed and slowly shucking his jeans. But where JK pulled them down to tease and entice, Jeongguk is timid. He hesitates for a moment with his underwear before he takes a deep breath, squeezes his eyes shut and shoves them off. 

His thighs are just as thick as JK’s and they’d be so distracting if it weren’t for the glint of metal on the tip of his cock that catches your attention more. 

“Holy fuck…” You mutter, attention entirely taken by the sight. 

JK chuckles. “See, princess. Pleasant surprise, huh?”

You swallow and nod, words completely robbed from you as you watch Jeongguk start to fidget again as he stands there being devoured by your gaze. You finally gather enough brain cells to mutter a soft, ‘both?’ which leaves JK chuckling and Jeongguk looks mortified.

“I lost a bet! He thought it’d be hilarious if we got matching piercings. I didn’t know he meant this kind.” You can see his hands twitch like he wants to cover himself up as he explains and the flush resting high on his cheeks slowly stretches down his neck as he speaks. 

“Can I touch?” Your voice surprises both you and Jeongguk and he blinks at you for a moment before hesitantly stepping to the edge of the bed. 

You reach out, fingers trailing across his stomach before lightly brushing along his length until you reach the warm metal. You swallow, suddenly wanting nothing more than to lean forward and taste it, feel the tang of metal mixed with the saltiness of his precum. Instead, you wrap a hand around the base, giving him a full pump, thumb brushing against the piercing and you delight in the way that it leaves him shuddering. JK presses his lips to your neck as you slowly jerk Jeongguk off, making sure every upstroke has you brushing against the metal, an area that has clearly become more sensitive thanks to its new addition. 

JK’s hands trail down your stomach until he reaches your pussy, fingers lightly brushing against your still sensitive clit, causing your grip to tighten around Jeongguk. His smirk presses against your shoulder and his fingers travel further down to your entrance, slipping two inside. You moan, free hand reaching back to hold onto his thigh. 

He starts a slow pace with his fingers, lips trailing up to your ear. “What do you want, princess? You’ve got both of us to do whatever your little heart could desire.” He coos.

You whine, looking up at Jeongguk, whose eyes are squeezed shut as you work his cock. “Wanna suck Jeongguk’s cock,” you murmur. 

Jeongguk’s eyes pop open and he groans as he is met with the sinfully innocent way you blink up at him. JK’s hand tangles in your hair and he pushes you forward, stopping only when Jeongguk’s dick sits less that an inch in front of your parted mouth. Your breath ghosts over the tip and he shivers. 

“Go on, princess. Taste him.” JK instructs and your tongue darts out, swiping over the tip and you clench when your tongue bumps the piercing. 

Jeongguk gasps, hand joining JK’s in your hair and that’s all the encouragement you need to finally wrap your lips around the head of his cock. Your tongue circles the head once before finding its way to the ball of the piercing that sits at the tip and playing with it. Jeongguk hisses above you, hips stuttering like he wants to thrust deeper and pull away at the same time. Humming in delight, you sink further onto his cock, relishing the way the metal drags across your tongue. 

JK’s hand slides from your hair, trailing along your spine to rest on your hip as he drags your ass more firmly against his cock. His fingers continue to pump, eventually slipping a third into you. 

“What else does our princess want, hm?” He coos from behind. “Wanna get fucked while sucking Gukkie off? Be stuffed full by two cocks?” You whine, fingers digging into his thigh and he chuckles. “We need an answer sweetheart. Gotta tell us if you want it.”

You pull off Jeongguk with a gasp, taking a moment to breath as JK’s fingers refuse their relentless pace in your cunt. But it’s slowly becoming not enough for you. You need more. You push your hips back against him. “Fuck… Fuck me… Please, want it…”

“Good girl,” he murmurs, pulling his fingers free.

He lifts your hips, positioning himself at your entrance, just close enough that you can feel his piercing brushing against you with each slight movement. You can hear the smirk in his voice when you don’t move. “Don’t forget about Gukkie, princess. He needs your attention too.”

In response, Jeongguk’s hand tightens in your hair and he pulls your face close again, one hand wrapped around the base of his dick so he can press it to your lips. Your mouth opens and Jeongguk smiles at your obedience without evening being told first. Your tongue darts out to lap at the head.

He groans. “What a good girl you are. Didn’t even have to be told to open up for me.”

You preen under the praise, missing the smirk he shoots behind you. Hands manhandle your hips for a moment and then JK is thrusting fully into you, jolting you forward onto Jeongguk’s waiting cock, effectively stifling your moan as your walls stretch around his girth.

JK’s cock twitches where it’s buried balls deep in you, holding still while he lets you adjust to him. “Oh, dude. Fuck, she’s so wet. You like being between us, princess? Taking both of our cocks, hm?”

You gurgle an affirmative around Jeongguk’s cock, feeling helpless as two sets of hands start to direct your body, pushing and pulling, one cock always filling you. You squirm, trying your best to contribute something, but your movements only earn you a swift swat on the ass. 

JK’s hand soothes over the skin. “Just let us take care of you, princess. Just let yourself feel good.”

You whine, but comply, letting the pleasure from feeling so filled wash over you. One of JK’s hands leaves your hip and when it brushes over your stomach, you assume he’s going to play with your clit. A startled noise leaves you as his fingers completely bypass your clit, instead pressing at where your pussy stretches around his cock. You squirm at the sensation of his probing fingers and Jeongguk pulls you off of his cock, tilting your head up so he can watch the way your eyes squeeze shut and you moan as JK’s finger wiggles in alongside his cock. 

His mouth presses to your neck and you feel the hot air as he hisses when you clench. “You like being stuffed full, huh, princess?” At your frantic nod, he chuckles and continues as a second finger slowly gets worked in. “Do you wanna be stuffed completely? Think you could take us at the same time? Two thick cocks stretching your pretty pussy? Filling you to the brim?”

When you don’t respond, Jeongguk’s hand tightens in your hair and you blink blearily up at him. “You have to answer him, princess.” When all you do is nod, he tuts. “Use your words, princess.”

You swallow, words momentarily robbed form you as a third finger slips in. The stretch is so much, you mind blanks entirely. Until a hand comes down on your thigh and snaps you out of it.

“Answer, princess.” JK murmurs and it sounds like a threat.

“Yes, please… want it, want both of you… Please fuck me…” Once the words are past your lips, pleas flow quickly from you as you babble, overcome with the need of being stretched to a point you never imagined. 

Twin chuckles greet you and then JK’s fingers are slipping out of you, quickly followed by his dick. You whine at the sudden emptiness, wanting him back and filling you. Jeongguk cups your cheek, pressing a kiss to sooth you as JK moves away from you.

“It won’t be long, princess. Don’t worry, we just need to get you in a better position.”

JK moves towards the end of the bed, tugging you along with him and allowing room for Jeongguk to climb up and lay down. JK helps you straddle Jeongguk’s thighs, hovering over his cock. He shuffles close to your back so he can speak in your ear as you look down at Jeongguk spread out beneath you. He looks beautiful like this. Jeongguk’s hand comes to rest on your thigh as the other slips beneath you to grab hold of his dick, holding it steady as JK lowers you until you’re fully sat on it.

“He’s wanted this for so long. Waxed poetic about how pretty you are. I bet he thinks you’re stunning right now, sitting on his cock like this.”

Your hands come to rest on Jeongguk’s stomach, squirming with the urge to just fuck yourself on his cock. To ride him until you’re both boneless and sated. JK seems to read your mind, hands tightening where they rest and holding you firmly in place. 

You whine as the seconds continue to stretch and they both do little more than sit there. You dig your fingers into Jeongguk’s stomach. “You’re suppose to be fucking me.” You don’t mean for it to come out so whiny and petulant, but it’s hard not to when you're in your current position.

JK hums behind you. “I’m just letting Gukkie enjoy your tight little cunt before we make it even tighter.”

He lifts your hips until only the head of Jeongguk’s cock remains inside before forcing you back down, making both you and Jeongguk moan at the feeling. He keeps you going, keeping you at the pace he sets no matter how you try to make him speed up. His pace allows you to feel the drag of the piercing against your walls with every thrust, so similar but different from when JK was just inside you minutes ago.

When you begin to grow restless, he presses a kiss to your shoulder before pushing you forward until your chest is pressed to Jeongguk’s, who takes the opportunity to press his own kiss to your lips. Jeongguk’s eyes sparkle as he stares up at you, hand coming up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. JK shifts you around, pulling you most of the way off Jeongguk’s dick. 

His hand runs soothingly over your ass. “Princess, tell us if it’s too much, okay? We’ll go slow, we don’t want to hurt you.”

You nod and wiggle your hips. “I’m ready.”

There’s a snort and then you feel the blunt head of his cock pressing where you’re already stretched around Jeongguk. After a moment of prodding, the head pops in and you gasp at the extra stretch, burying your face in Jeongguk’s shoulder. A shudder wracks your frame and you take a deep breath to relax. JK doesn’t move an inch once he’s inside, giving you plenty of time to adjust and Jeongguk slips a hand between you to rub at your clit as a distraction. 

You pant, forcing your focus on the way Jeongguk’s fingers circle your clit and the pleasure that he’s slowly building up with the action. The stretch hurts just slightly, neither of them far enough in yet to truly be stretching you but it’s still more than you’ve ever had before. But beneath the slight ache, you feel so delightfully full and you know that once they’re both fully buried in you that you’ll feel even fuller. You almost wish that they would just push all the way in now, let you feel the full stretch already. You squirm, trying to get more of them inside of you and you’re met with twin groans. 

JK’s hands make a weak attempt at stopping you from sinking onto their cocks further. “Princess, go slow… Don’t hurt yourself…”

You shake your head quickly, lifting just slightly before sinking further onto their cocks. “Doesn’t hurt… feels so good…” You moan. And it’s true, Jeongguk’s fingers on your clit have effectively brought your pleasure to the forefront and all you want is for them to fuck you stupid. Neither seem inclined to do that just yet though, too focused on ensuring that you’re not hurt so you take it upon yourself to continue to fuck them deeper.

You glance over your shoulder at JK, drinking in the way he’s visibly tense to keep himself from moving. He alternates between squeezing his eyes shut and staring in wonder at the way your cunt stretches to take them. You wiggle your hips, sinking just a little further until they're both buried as far as they can get. You relish the clench of his jaw once he’s fully inside of you. It takes JK a moment, but when he notices your eyes on him, you smirk at him. 

“That all you got, tough guy?”

His tongue pokes at his cheek and his fingers dig into your skin. “Watch yourself, princess. Are you ready?”

“Fuck me already.” 

You turn back to Jeongguk, face contorted in pleasure much like JK’s. You’re about to speak when JK pulls almost completely out before slamming back in, robbing you of words as a moan is forced out of you. Jeongguk’s eyes trace over your face as JK starts a fast pace, drawing more moans and whines from you. One of his hands tangles in your hair and he pulls you down for a kiss, but you’re both far too lost in pleasure for the kiss to be good. It’s messy and uncoordinated, more of lips and tongues pressed together as you moan into each other's mouths. His other hand slips away from your clit to rest on the small of your back and you feel him shift slightly so he can thrust up into you, his pace much more subdued than JK’s, but the drag is wonderful all the same. 

Even with their different paces, they work well together, leaving you feeling full and pleasure making your toes curl. 

JK’s hand slips around your front, fingers quickly finding your clit and taking over where Jeongguk stopped. “Fuck, princess… you feel amazing… Can you cum for us again? Cum around our cocks and get us all nice and messy?”

You whimper as his fingers twist and if you weren’t pinned between their bodies, you would be writhing with how good they’re making you feel. A new orgasm quickly rising in you. Jeongguk tugs on your hair, pulling you away from his mouth once you can do little more than pant against his lips and tilts your head to the side so he can suck marks onto the skin of your neck. 

“Come on, cum for us, princess.” Jeongguk murmurs, tongue hot where it traces the marks his teeth left.

You whine at the overload of sensations, both cocks stretching you out and JK’s relentless thrusts, his fingers toying with your clit, Jeongguk’s teeth on your neck. You cum with a gasp, body shuddering at the sudden, overwhelming pleasure. Your mind goes delightfully hazy as your pussy gushes around them, clenching rhythmically as JK’s pace slows only marginally. You faintly hear someone swearing as you drop your forehead to rest on Jeongguk’s shoulder, strength nearly completely gone. You feel boneless and if it weren’t for the hands on you then you would just completely collapse atop Jeongguk. 

Jeongguk presses a kiss to the side of your head, seemingly amused. “Fuck, you did so well, princess. Think you can take just a little more for us?”

There’s a groan behind you and JK’s hips stutter, rhythm faltering for just a moment. “Fuck… You’re unbelievably hot. I’m actually a little jealous that Gukkie gets you all to himself after this.”

His pace picks back up and Jeongguk manhandles you so he can speed up his own thrusts, each man chasing his own high now. You whimper as overstimulation takes over, every drag of their cocks against your walls sending jolts of nearly painful pleasure shooting through you. 

You almost want to protest, but it still feels good, even with the slight too-much feeling that clings to every rock into your clenching core. The room is filled with your whines and the slick sounds of them fucking into you. JK’s thrusts pick up speed and you can feel another orgasm quickly rising within you again, nearly blindsiding you with the suddenness of it’s appearance. You didn’t know you could cum again so quickly.

You reach out blindly for Jeongguk’s hand, grasping it tightly once you find it. “Gonna…” you slur out, words abandoning you as they don’t slow their motions.

“Fuck, again? You already soaked us once. You gonna cum again for us, princess? Like our cocks that much?” 

You whine at JK’s words and Jeongguk gives your hand a squeeze. Jeongguk’s lips brush your ear. “Come on, baby. Let go for us and we’ll fill you up just like you want. All messy and dripping with our cum.” Your pussy clenches at his words and he groans beneath you. “You like that idea, baby? Be so full and dripping? Do you want that? To be our messy baby? You have to cum for us first.”

Your orgasm crashes over you, more intense than the previous two and you shudder almost violently as you squirt again, making a mess of the three of you. Jeongguk groans beneath you, hips slamming into you one last time as he cums, your name whispered into your hair. JK’s pace picks up, now unhindered by Jeongguk’s movements and a handful of thrusts later, just as Jeongguk begins to whine with sensitivity at the continued friction against his softening cock, cums. 

You all remain frozen like that for a while, breathing slowly evening back out. JK is the first to move, slipping out of you and climbing off the bed. You whine at the loss and the way the Jeongguk slips from you as well, leaving you feeling empty. You feel Jeongguk lift his head but you’re too tired to do anything else or see what he’s looking at, even as sweat is beginning to dry uncomfortably between the two of you and you can feel cum beginning to slowly drip from your abused cunt. Jeongguk’s hands rub comfortingly on your back as his head lays back down, seemingly content with whatever he was looking at. 

You startle when a moment later a damp cloth brushes gently against your folds, taking care to clean as much of the cum from your pussy and thighs with minimal touching to sensitive areas. You whimper slightly and both boys immediately shush you with comforting words.  

“JK’s just getting you cleaned up.” He chuckles slightly as he presses a kiss to your hair. “Did you know you could squirt?”

You shake your head shyly, letting the both of them shift you so you’re stretched out on the bed, JK’s hands rubbing along your legs to soothe any aches there may be, before his hands leave you. Jeongguk keeps you pulled close to him, hands seemingly reluctant to give up contact with you. JK drapes a blanket over you and Jeongguk, who fusses with it until he deems it to be covering you suitably. “I’ve never done it before.”

JK pipes up from somewhere behind Jeongguk. “Well you did it twice,” he groans at the memories. “It was hot as fuck.”

Silence settles then, broken only by the sound of fabric rustling and then a few moments later, JK is leaning over Jeongguk to press his own kiss to your head and then he’s playfully ruffling his brother's hair. “I approve very much of your prospective girlfriend.” You hear him move towards the door of the bedroom. “Don’t fuck it up, cause I will swoop in to steal her.” He pauses for a moment as he opens the door, the sounds of the frat party downstairs filtering back into the room. “Get some rest, princess. Good night.” He murmurs before slipping out and back to the party. 

[bibliocratic]

Been thinking about Martin being sad about/hating the way he looks bc he looks like his dad, and he tries to talk to Jon abt it, but he's Too Vague so Jon thinks he's worried that Jon doesn't like that he's fat and consequently comforts him about the wrong thing

This took so long, anon, sorry!

Because of the subject matter, there are content warnings in the tags

The first time Martin sees his own face, limp-eyed, flat and drained in the feeble straining light of the bathroom, he starts shaking. A stretching in his chest, like he's swallowed a swelling balloon that is pushing all the air out of him, bunging up his lungs and throat and mouth. That's how Jon finds him, tears sprung to his eyes as he sucks in scant and skittish breathes, his fingers clenching the lip of the sink and wondering why he can't be stronger than all this.  

After that, Martin takes to avoiding mirrors while he's in the safehouse.

It's not hard. He's had lots of practise recently. The Lonely had displayed many double-edged poisons in its folds disguised as furtive blessings. His reflection had been one of them. Martin had counted it as a grateful novelty, to walk past glass shop fronts and the over-stark bathroom mirrors in the staff toilets and see the refusal of light to grant his image returned to him. Even his exile to the seafront, the rock-pools vacant of crawling life or stubborn salt-encrusted fronds of lichen, had shown him only the eddy of tide, the ripples that his steps barely disturbed in the landscape.

It had been a kindness of sorts, to take his image from him. The mirror had never shown Martin anything but things he hadn't cared to see, his own neurosis writ large and backwards.

The morning is not unusual. The birds had woken him, piping shrill even through the double glazing, and Jon, still dozy and drooling his words into his pillow, had cursed and moaned indignant at the vocal wildlife. Martin had dropped back off for another twenty or so minutes, a smirk raising the sleep-dry corners of his lips, waking up when the bed creaked and Jon had stood and stretched and made all sorts of horrendous cracking noises like some sort of human castanet.

This morning though, Jon is in the bathroom, shaving, and making a worrying racket doing so, and Martin is still in that sort of headachy realm of not quite awake yet, where he still gathering the components than make him functional as he shuffles around in his boxers and waits for the shower to be free. Martin's not sure why today, but he finds himself opening the wardrobe. Inside, on the back of the left-hand side door, there's a full length mirror, pocked a little with age and smeared with dust.

Martin's not sure why he feels strong enough today to look.

The thing he expects to see first: his hair shorn down, just shy of a buzz cut. Martin's been doing it himself for years, every month or so hunching over the sink and bathroom mirror in his old flat in Stockwell and uniformly mowing his hair down to a prickly ginger fuzz.

His mum never liked his hair when he grew it out. Snapped and sniped about how long it was getting whenever it started to bend in a curl,  encroaching over his ears, and he'd not always had the money or time to go into town and go to the barber's. When he got his first job, scrimping aside the little he'd left over at the end of the month, he'd bought clippers from the nearest Boots, attached the first guard he'd picked up and ran it over his scalp until the up-scrub was spiky and even. The first time was a bit of a hack-job, lopsided and uneven, but he's improved his technique with time. The method and cut was cheap and basic and he wasn't fond of the way it made his ears look stuck out, but it was one less thing he had to worry about, one less thing his mum could disapprove of.

His hair now hangs, uninspired, slightly greasy and knotted over his ears. Shaggy-dog over his forehead until he swipes it back, a small curl down to the nape of his neck.

He looks like his dad. Sees the man he barely knew staring back, the image lost that Elias had so viciously returned. Studies his snubnose struck centre, a wide jaw that rounds out his face, ruddy cheeks with sparse and spotting freckles. Some of the hairs of his eyebrows are starting to grey. His eyes seem suspicious, washed out, unhappy. He wonders if this is what Jon sees, a man whose closed-off expression does not appear to trust the world nor its motives.

The sort of man who might just up and leave if the going gets tough.

Jon pads into the room, though Martin doesn't turn round.  He puts all his weight on the front of his feet, always has; even in the Archives, Martin could place Jon's footsteps next to Sasha's sturdier stride, Tim's faster tread.

Jon plants his face against Martin's back, grumbles through a good morning. He's smooth jawed again, his skin baking from the shower, his hair not quite towelled off properly, still dripping.

“Lookin' handsome,” Jon mumbles, throwing out a hand to gesture at the mirror, at the twin men standing awkward and self-conscious opposite each other.

Martin observes at his own hands cast back at him through the mirror. His thick arms, the round and pasty pale of them. He has big hands, he thinks to himself. Broad, weathered palms, the skin cracking dry, short and stubby fingers. Hair starts to grow sparse on the back of his hand close to his wrist and only gets thicker and denser up his arms. Jon slumped standing immediately behind him isn't visible in the reflection; Martin's body takes up too much room, wide and solid, even when he wants to secrete himself smaller. He's tall, like Dad was, he guesses, though he stoops and hunches in his shoulders to try and negate it. Martin thinks he looks like the sort of man that plays rugby and drinks too much. When he's walking home, trudging through the residential streets between the tube station and his flat, people passing him sometimes scrunch their body in away from him, and every time that hurts. In the dark, without his stumbling words and over-eager expression and his clumsiness, something about him looks like it could turn nasty, and Martin doesn't know how to take that.

He went drinking with Tim and Sasha once in Lambeth.  They'd had four or five and Sasha had bought them obnoxiously coloured and overpriced cocktails before dragging Tim over to the pool table, Martin sitting out to the side amiably, sipping his sugar-heavy drink and tapping his feet to the music someone put on the jukebox. Two men came over ten minutes later, drunker than them, arguing that they'd been there first, and Sasha had been fired up enough to snap back. It had looked like a scrap brewing, so Martin had put his drink down and stood up, anxiously ready and willing to urge Tim and Sasha away just to keep the peace. The two had looked at him, eyes roving up before they held up their hands, backing off, saying they'd come back when they'd finish.

“No bother, ey, big lad?” they'd slurred at Martin. “Didn't mean anything by it.”

Sasha had beamed as they left, and called Martin a lucky charm. He hadn't felt very lucky. He'd felt sick at the reminder.  

The problem as he sees it, is that everything about him is big.

Inside: too big heart and too raw-open soul. A great vast reservoir where he keeps every bubbling expression of fear and grief and rage that he's never expressed with his body.

Outside: big stocky arms, an over-hanging stomach matched with a tall spine and the sort of footsteps that announce his arrival well before he enters a room.

Martin's dad never hit his mum. He assumes that's something Elias would have glibly enjoyed sharing.  But sometimes he'd stood too close when they'd been fighting, looming, deliberately crowding in her space, and she'd noticed how much taller he was, how much stronger. She'd thought she saw something mean and nasty in his eyes, the way he clenched his fists that meant he wanted to.

She'd imagined she saw that look in her son sometimes too.

Martin worries about that. Worries what other poisoned legacies his dad left him with.

“Mart'n?” Jon says. He's encircled his arms as far as he can around him, though they don't link up, scratching his nails through the hair on his chest. His hands long-boned but smaller, slighter.

Jon is not a small man nor a tall one, average in appearance in most ways if not for the scars, if not for the way the composite of his image makes Martin's heart something stronger in his chest. But Martin is bigger than him when they lie together, Jon's side of the bed made less by default, shunting him further over to the corners. Martin is stronger than him, because Martin has lifted him bodily to hear Jon's laughing protestations as Martin manhandled him onto the sofa and kissed the veins down his throat, the blush risen in his cheeks.

And Martin's angrier than he used to be. Or angrier than he used to admit to being. His mood pinballing from flat to frustrated as everything the Lonely dulled ploughs back into him, all of Martin's mechanisms, the checks-and-balances he built within himself gone ruinous. Martin can be so angry these days, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Martin doesn't like the way that worry fizzes under his tongue.

“My dad had big hands,” he says out of nowhere. “He wore some rings, I think, and he had to get them resized to fit his fingers.”

“You making plans to get us rings already?”

Jon's joke is shy and nudging, but Martin doesn't feel like raising the corners of his mouth in a smile.

Martin moves a hand to squeeze the flesh that bunches around his upper arms, pats his stomach.

“I've definitely got his belly,” he says. “His arms. Prob'ly end up with his hair to boot, he was receding a bit.”

Jon's hands stroke palm down over what stomach he can reach.

“I like your stomach,” he says, and it's not that Martin doesn't believe him, because he's getting better at not doubting people, at allowing himself to trust they might like something about him. It's that that wasn't the point.

“Hmm,” Martin says noncommittally, and glances at his own hands again. Square chewed nails and the small bumps of veins.

“You don't look happy,” Jon says.

“What? No, I mean, it – it's fine, it's...”

“Do you... not like looking in the mirror?”

Martin sighs.

“Not particularly.”

“Because you have a problem with how you look?”

“You don't have to spell it out like that, Jon.”

“Like what?”

“Like you're a – my therapist or something. I don't want to – to be questioned o-or psychoanalysed about it. I just, no – I don't like looking at myself. That's all.”

Jon's arms don't unhook from around him. Martin exhales and feels the frustration like sediment build up.

“I look exactly like my dad,” Martin says finally, bitterly.

“You don't,” Jon replies quietly, into the meat of Martin's shoulder.

“You can't know that,” Martin says, although the words are empty of meaning and they both know it. Jon both can and does, whether he means to or not.

Feeling his Adam's apple bob, he continues: “Elias, he showed me. When I was – er, when we needed him distracted.”

Jon's arms clench around him.

“Elias showed you what he wanted you to see,” he says after a careful moment.

Martin shakes his head, because he saw what he'd known already, what his mum had seen, the trickle of memory gushing torrential. That he has his dad's big fingers, big hands and big anger, and he is frightened of what sort of a man that makes him.

“I could....” Jon's fingers flex and skate over the skin where Martin's stretch marks root down to his hips. “I could look? If you wanted? Tell you if Elias was... if what he showed you was true.”

Martin thinks about it, but Jon feels the silence of his refusal and presses his nose against the freckled handful of skin where Martin's shoulder blades are.

“I'll tell you what I see then?”

“See see, you mean?”

“No. Normal seeing. With my own two eyeballs.”

“I am being blessed with the originals today, what a gift.”

Jon headbutts him with his forehead, and the small laugh and a 'Jon!' is pushed out of him as a scarred palm is held up near his face, an eyelid opening in the skin to leer at Martin.

“Put your bloody Pan's Labyrinth eyeball away,” Martin grouches, and he can feel Jon grinning mischievous as the disconcerting eyeball winks before being sunk closed back into the skin.

“Better?”

“I am never going to get used to that.”

Jon makes a noise of agreement. He unplasters himself from Martin's back, and takes a tugging hold of his wrist.

“Look at me?”

Martin lets himself be turned round. Weak-willed, soft-spined to the last wherever Jon is concerned.

Jon looking up at him now, fringed with damp locks seaweeding down his face. Martin brushes them back out of the way, and Jon captures his hand, meshes their fingers together slowly and precisely.

“Tell me?” he asks quietly. “What you've been thinking about? And I'll tell you what I see.”

“My hands,” Martin says after a moment and Jon nods and hums and holds Martin's captured palm in front of him.

“Bigger than mine,” Jon says, demonstrating, holding the two of them as imperfect reflections of each other.  “You've got short nails because you bite them. The cold's making the skin dry, but they're soft, usually. Sturdy. Even when – even when we were leaving the Lonely, I knew once you took my hand we wouldn't get separated.”

“My – er, my arms,” Martin says after a while, prodding with his free hand at the loose flesh at the undersides of his arms. “Well, my bingo wings.”

Jon frowns, reaches up to encircle his grip around them.

“You've got muscle under there,” he says. “You can lift me, no trouble. The first time you did, I, um, couldn't help but hope you'd do it again.”

Martin finds it in himself to meet Jon's gaze.

“Yeah?” he says, pleased.

Jon is starting to blotch with blush, but he carries on, fingers stroking Martin's upper arms.

“Even if you weren't strong,” he says. “You've got – your, um. Freckles. There's no pattern to them, of course, but I like seeing if I can find one anyway.”

“You're a big softie,” Martin chides roughly, dry-mouthed and watery eyed.

Jon doesn't deny it.

“What else?” he asks delicately.

“I'm – I'm heavy,” Martin says, the words shrivelling quiet on his tongue. “I-I don't mind – I'm not ashamed of being, you know, not the smallest guy, I've never had a-a problem with it, not exactly, but I-I'm bigger than you. I'm stronger than you and I take up more room and, my dad, I look so much like him s-s-so what if – ”

He trails off. Swallowing. Unable to finish.

Jon's arms embrace him and he allows himself to be bent down, the angle uncomfortable and Jon on tip-toe, his face mushed into the side of Jon's throat.

Jon rubs at the broad expanse of his back.

“You'd never hurt me,” Jon says, fiercely. “Whether you look like your father or not. You're not him, Martin. I can't, I know I can't convince you, but it doesn't matter if you've got his arms or his eyes or his hair. He's never been where you've been, or done what you've managed. I bet he doesn't – doesn't write poetry, or whistle the Archer's theme tune, or I dunno, is completely useless at catching things.” Martin gives a wet attempt at a laugh. Jon's hands move comfortingly up and down.

“You're not your dad,” Jon continues after a moment. “You aren't responsible for the man he was, or the man your mother thought she saw in you. That's not – it's not your burden to carry. Fuck whatever shadows Elias showed you. You're not him. It's – I can't make you like what you see in the mirror, but when I look at you, I don't see any of the things you're scared of.”

“You can really just, know all that, huh,” Martin says after a minute, lifting up his head, rubbing his eyes with his hand.

“I don't need to,” Jon replies.

Martin's hugs are crushing and enveloping but Jon clings back as tightly.

Martin pulls back after a minute, wiping his eyes again though he knows they've gone red and puffy, already feeling the crimping heat of self-consciousness in his chest. Jon leans back in to kiss him, first his lips, and then his cheek, quick and affirming, as he trails his fingers through his hair.

“You'll be wanting this cut soon,” Jon says, although he seems disappointed at the thought, combing his fingers through the tangle self-indulgently.

“I might try growing it out.” Martin tests the water of the idea, and Jon looks approving at this, nods and hums and runs his fingers through again.

It's been a long time since his hair was longer. Martin thinks he might suit it.

“What would you say to a beard?” Martin follows up,  just to see Jon try to valiantly quash his dissatisfaction and keep a neutral expression. He almost succeeds.

“If you... If you think it best,” Jon manages stiffly. 

Martin's laugh is a free and booming thing in his chest.

[butlerbarb]

Comfort (Leviathan x Reader)

i should start by saying sorry for just disappearing out of nowhere. i think i just had too much on my plate and burnt myself out. which then caused me to spiral into a depressive episode and lose all motivation to work on something. 

with that being said, i wanted to write something about how i've been feeling as a way to vent it. i also wanted it to be comfy and nice and i really just wanted leviathan to hug me and tell me everything is okay :) i hope you enjoy this very soft and self indulgent fic bc i love leviathan more than anything

also! i am working on requests, so expect those out within the next few days or so!

ily <3

It had been one of those days. Well, really it had been one of those weeks. Those days where you just didn’t want to leave your bed, more comfortable to hide away by yourself as to not bother anyone with how out of it you were feeling. Of course, Lucifer would probably have your head if he found out you were skipping classes, so you went about your days pretending you were fine.

Leviathan had invited you to his room after school, you hadn’t been able to focus on what he was telling you at breakfast – your mind too fuzzy from having just woken up combined with the fuzziness your off mood had brought on. But knowing the otaku demon, it was either anime or a new video game he bought. His enthusiasm and passion for his interests was something that never failed to bring a smile to your face, even when you were feeling down.

Your day at school, thankfully, passed by in a blur. Mammon made a point of bragging about his latest modeling job he scored as he walked you home, trying to convince you to go with him. Naturally, he pouted like a child when you turned him down, whining that you were missing the opportunity of a lifetime! Thankfully he gave up when you told him you just weren’t feeling it, but you would be happy to take him up on the offer another time. He dropped you off at home after that, telling you he’d bring you something on his way back.

You were barely in the door when Leviathan was charging at you from the common room, rushing you into kicking off your schools before he dragged you up to his room. You tried to argue that you still had your RAD uniform on and that he should at least give you a minute to change, but he was hearing none of it. He waited all day for you to get home, he wasn’t going to wait another minute! However, that excuse fell apart quickly when you gave him a set of puppy dog eyes, letting you hurry off to your room on a time limit.

You changed into more comfortable clothes quickly, using up only 3 minutes of the 5-minute limit he gave you. You were back in his room just as he had finished setting everything up. You took note of the snacks that he had set up in different bowls around his room. Wow, you thought, this must be really important. Leviathan usually never went all out like this unless it was mega important.

“What’s all this for, Levi? Seems like a lot for just a few episodes.” You commented, grabbing a handful of chips out of a bowl as you sat down on the edge of the bed. You cringed at how spicy it was, some of the flavors were intense in the Devildom. Leviathan’s eyes widened as he gave you an incredulous look.

“A few episodes!? No, no, no. We’re watching the entire series tonight.” The demon explained as he removed a disk from its packaging and slipped it inside his PC. “This series, 10 Things I’ve Always Wondered About the Demon King: Facts versus Fiction! has been teased for years! YEARS! And they finally released it all at once on DVD. People have been speculating about it for so long and AH! I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT!”

You laughed at his energy, simply nodding as you reclined on his bed. He dove into bed next to you once the opening began playing, delight blooming on his face immediately. You let your head rest on Leviathan’s lower legs, expecting him to jump and practically kick you away, but to your surprise he didn’t even seem to notice. The show had barely started, and he was already lost in it.

It had been a few hours and you were only a few episodes deep. Levi had told you it had multiple seasons with at least 12 episodes each, so you really were going to be there for the night. It had been enjoyable at first, but after a while of mindlessly staring at the screen and reading subtitles, you slowly lost a majority of your interest. Leviathan still seemed fully absorbed, however. You breathed a sigh, stretching your arms above your head. You pulled your legs up onto the bed, crossing them underneath you, resting elbow on your knee, and your chin on the palm of your hand.

You let your eyes wander around the room, head filled with the same fuzziness as this morning. While you enjoyed the anime, and spending time with Leviathan, you knew it would have only been a matter of time before you were back to feeling the same way. You tried to act as normal as possible, not wanting to worry Levi or worse, distract him from the series he had been looking forward to.

You were surprised when the sound suddenly stopped, and you tore your gaze away from on of the anime figures your eyes had been locked on for longer than necessary. Glancing at the screen and then behind you to Leviathan, you raised and eyebrow at the worried look on his face.

“Are you okay?” The blue-haired demon asked, sitting up from his reclined positions to mimic your crossed legs.

“What do you mean? I’m fine.” You replied, giving him a smile, resting your hand on his knee. Leviathan’s eyes narrowed as he shook his head at you.

“You’re not fine! You seemed distracted this morning and it’s the same now. You know you can tell me if something is wrong.”

“Leviathan, I- “

“No excuses! I don’t… I don’t like seeing you upset like this…” He cut you off before you could say anything, mumbling the last part of his sentence as his cheeks flushed a dark red colour. You felt your eyes blow wide as the normally shy demon reached forward, grabbing your free hand as well as the one you had previously rested on his knee.

“Leviathan…” You frowned, watching tears prick the corners of his eyes. Wow, he was really upset about this, huh? You let out a sigh, deciding that if you were going to tell anyone, it might as well be the one who was about to cry out of worry.

“I don’t know, Levi. I’ve just been feeling… off. For the past week. I can’t really describe it. Just sad.” You admitted quietly, your eyes locking onto your joined hands. The silence was unnerving as Leviathan processed your words and suddenly you were extremely uncomfortable.

“Like… depressed?” You nodded in response to his question, eyes briefly flicking up to gauge his expression. He seemed indifferent yet stared at you intently. Your eyes widened as he let go of your hands and threw his arms around you, pulling you into a hug.

“Levi, what…”

“I just! I just want you to know that… You’re not alone and that I… I care about you…” He whispered, burying his face into your hair as he held you tightly. His sudden confession shocked you into silence, all you could do was wrap your own arms around his torso, trying your hardest not to cry. Although even your hardest attempt couldn’t change how overwhelmed you felt, and eventually you were bawling into his shirt, more than likely staining it with tears.

You sat there together for who knows how long, Leviathan happy to let you cry it all out until you felt better. You could have sworn you felt a tear or two hit the skin of your neck, and you fought back a laugh. Leviathan was such a sensitive demon, being brought to tears by the smallest things.

Eventually, your seemingly endless flow of tears came to a stop. You pulled away from him slightly, his arms still wrapped around you as you briefly used the sleeve of your shirt to dry any remaining tears. Levi slowly pulled away, hands resting on your shoulders as he shot you a concerned look. You laughed quietly, wiping at your nose as you sniffled. You smiled at him, nodding a little to let him know you were okay.

He went to pull back, hands slipping off of your shoulder when you stopped him. Placing both of your hands on his cheeks, watching in amusement as his cheeks gained a flushed colour once again. Pulling him closer by his cheeks, you pressed a small kiss to his forehead. You pulled back not a second later, beaming at him happily.

“Thank you, Leviathan.”

BONUS:

The door to Leviathan’s room burst open, scaring the life out of the both of you. Leviathan jumped back, pushing you away from him in surprise. You fell back onto the bed with a laugh, eye drifting over to the intruder.

“Oi! What’re you two doing? Why’re your eyes all red, human?” Mammon, being the ever loud and obnoxious demon that he was, yelled as he stepped into the room. His arms crossed over his chest as he gave Levi a displeased look.

“Are ya makin’ my human cry, Levi?” The older demon accused, pointing a finger at his younger brother. Leviathan rolled his eyes, completely ignoring the Avatar of Greed as he briefly adjusted his fringe.

“Aren’t you the one always making them cry, Mammon?” The Avatar of Envy answered, glaring at Mammon from underneath his now fixed fringe. Mammon gasped, throwing a hand over his chest in mock offence.

“How dare you! I only even make the human happy, ya know!”

“I don’t know about that, Mammon..” You teased lightly, snickering as his face contorted into genuine sadness as he frowned deeply. “I’m joking! Come here, we’re watching anime! We’ve still got tons of snacks!”

Mammon happily dove into the bed next to you, immediately trapping you next to him with one hand, while the other greedily dove into a snack bowl. Leviathan grumbled lowly, rolling his eyes again before shifting into a comfortable position on your opposite side.

You were glad you had such caring demons to help you out when you were at your lowest. You would never replace them for the world.

[vanchlo]

The Firsts / #5, “The First Time Without”

*not my gifs*

---> NEXT BLURB: Um, not sure with finals coming up . . Check the series masterlist for updates!

READ THE ASSISTANT, AKA WHAT CAME FIRST

SERIES MASTERLIST    

READ ON WATTPAD

LEGEND:

+ : a break in the story; a time jump.

and i’m too lazy for italics bc tumblr ignores formatting like that i do in Docs so sorry

WARNINGS: Swearing, distressing topics, hella lotta angst and sadness

WORD COUNT: 16.5k words (WOWZAS!!!)

SONG: Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie (click to listen)

                                          * Sneak PeeEEEK! *

“‘ve rehearsed it so many bloody times in me head, but now, I actually get t’ talk t’ you and I can’t rememba,” he admits softly with shame painting his voice, and an out of place smile.

“All I know . .  ‘s that I miss you and it scares me how much I can miss you sittin’ at a meetin’ with you across tha table. I miss you like you’ve gone . . but inna way, you have. I miss you in so many ways, walkin’ in tha door at home t’ you, findin’ you’d claimed me sofa again fer anotha day workin’ t’getha, or even that you’d be usin’ one o’ me favourite coffee mugs or jumpers. I miss those small things, and then, I even miss wakin’ up next t’ you, talkin’ t’ you ‘bout songs, ‘bout art, or gettin’ yer advice on a recipe or an argument inna case. ‘d missed you like mad befo’, but nuthin’ compares t’ this. Didn’t know I could miss somebody so much that ‘m always sore from it, that I ache when I see you and can’t touch you or talk t’ you.”

“Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end. If not always in the ways we expect.”

- Luna Lovegood

*

“You can only actually help someone who wants to be helped.”

- Jojo Moyes, Me Before You

+

It smelled of metal and disinfectant around me, but I tried to drown it out with the images I scroll through. The electronic beeping wormed its way into my thoughts, but I welcomed the respite from the chaos toiling around in there. Images of friends and casual strangers litter my Instagram feed and instead of looking away when the dinging stops, I continue, distracting myself. That in itself seems to be my job for the last few weeks, owned by the number one job of not thinking about it. It’s followed by another important task of not crying in public, and saving it for at home despite the place owning that name changing recently. I’ve failed at all of those jobs the second I think about the person who I called my home for so long now, and can’t any longer. 

The new smell is what gets me at first, and immediately, the pictures are forgotten. I know before I look up that the facade is broken. Then, everything is shattered within a few moments, no matter how good I’ve gotten at ignoring him, or pushing down the feelings when I see him across the table at a team meeting. I’ve gotten good at the pretending part, but the only person I’ve never been able to do that around is the very one who accompanies me on the elevator now. My bad luck echoes when I finally chance a glance and I leave it for too long, because then he looks up and meets my eyes. 

Harry. My home . . but he’s not that any longer. 

“Hi,” he risks with a gentle curve of his lips, and a softness in his eyes that he holds in his hands for me too. A softness that never left him once I worked my way into his heart all of those years ago, it’s one that I still can’t allow myself to get rid of. 

“Hi,” I return curtly, tearing my eyes away from him, and his new suit. A mauve ensemble with a raven black button up underneath. Spiffy, indeed. It feels like a mini marathon to look away from him in that suit, and how it hugs him in all of the right places. The biceps, the chest, how it opens at his wildly attractive throat, reminds me of the base that we never hit when my eyes venture too low, and his bum. No, I can’t see it from my view right now, but I’d made sure to have seen it earlier today. 

“‘s good timin’, I was wonderin’ if we could talk,” he ventures out on a limb to say, and my eyes are rolling before he gets to finish. 

“I don’t want to talk, Harry.” 

“Becks, please, jus’ lemme finish, bug,” he says, and I wonder how he can be so gutsy to use those two coveted names within one sentence. Despite his bravery, the gesture does its job, and I gulp against the longing that climbs up my throat. 

“No, you don’t get to.” 

                                     Several Weeks Earlier . . . 

“And just what are you mmming about?” I giggle under the spray of kisses he scatters across my face. 

“‘ve been waitin’ all day t’ smother you in kisses, that’s why,” he hums against my skin, bringing goosebumps to the surface with his warm breath so near. A laugh sings from me when his fingers linger to a ticklish spot on my side. 

“Harry, don’t you dare!” 

“Sorry, swear I didn’t mean t’,” he giggles in between kisses that he sponges down my chest. “Mmmm, I love these so much.” 

“And why is that?”

“Why all tha questions, lovey?” he says, asking one of his own. He lifts an eyebrow at me from under the hood of his dark, thick eyelashes. A dimple collapses into his cheek while one corner of his mouth raises. “Can’t I love yer tits without havin’ t’ say why? Rather sure y’know why, anyways.” 

“Yeah, you’re obsessed with them,” I say, a laugh sputtering from my lips. A groan interrupts them when he teases me with those lips. “It’d be nice if you could not make jokes about them while our coworkers are around.” 

“Hey, I didn’t know My was in tha copier room, ‘s not me fault. Y’know he doesn’t give a shit about our PDA at work, and c’mon, Becks, they really did look incredible in that blouse t’day,” Harry winks from below me, lips venturing to the space above my belly button. “I love ‘em, they’re pink and perfect.” 

A redness sits in my cheeks as I titter, pressing the back of my hand against my shy lips, embarrassment coating them thickly. “We should be taking down the Halloween decorations instead of this.” 

“Hush you,” he murmurs. 

His hair is tangled and yet handsome when I catch my fingers in it, scratching my fingernails against his scalp. My eyes stay glued to it and his figure hunched over me, lips stopping at the hem of my underwear. I already know about the smirk lining his lips when he lifts his head to pose a question to me with his eyes. 

“Hmmm?” he murmurs, but I shake my head, again. “C’mon, Becks, it’d feel good, love. I wanna taste you.” 

Shaking my head once more, a refusal hums from me as my cheeks turn to the color of apples that I hope he can’t see. He sighs with a shake of his head, clucking his tongue at me while pressing kisses to the inside of my leg, soon reaching the pillowy flesh of my inner thigh. Closing my eyes, I press my lips together and sigh, my arm falling over my chest. I try to remember when I had lost my shirt and when he had lost his, but these days, it’s hard to remember if it was after the first kiss or the fiftieth. 

His lips reach further down my thigh and close to my blush colored underwear, a lacy part I’d bought recently. Once his lips had ventured down there, a knot inside of my stomach appeared, and it only grows tighter as his lips drop lower. It threatens to unravel when his nose brushes against the hemline, pushing it back to kiss the recently hidden flesh of my hip. 

“Harry!” I exclaim, tugging softly at the hair on the nape of his neck. 

“What? I was jus’ gettin’ t’ tha good part.” 

“You know I’m not-.” 

“I know,” he groans, situating himself high over top of me again like we had started, and with a kiss to the lips too. Despite the gesture, I can see the tension in his jaw and the annoyance in his eyes. “I can’t eat you out and I can’t fook you, so what ‘s there left fer me t’ do, huh?”

“Kiss me,” I say, and for some reason, it comes out sounding like a question. He huffs and bends down to place his lips on mine, but from the start, it doesn’t feel right. Now, I can feel the tension in his shoulders and the rigidness of his lips on mine. “What, are you not into this anymore?” I inquire after ending the kiss, twirling a curl of his around my finger on his neck. 

“No, ‘s not that,” Harry answers, eyes straying from me. A hand lifts from the bed and he draws invisible shapes on my skin with the lightest of touch until it runs loose on me. 

“Stop playing with my boobs and look at me,” I laugh, laying an arm across my bare chest and lifting his chin. The playful glint he so often holds in his eyes is there, but once my laugh falls away, it does too. “You’re being impatient again, aren’t you?”

“I jus’ dunno why we can’t do mo’, Becks, we’ve been t’getha ten months. Loads o’ couples have sex befo’ then and tha girlfriend lets their boyfriend eat ‘em out too.” 

“We’re not other couples, Harry, and I’m just not ready,” I say, combing the stray curls off of his forehead. My hand wanders to his smooth cheeks that already feel sandpapery despite him shaving this morning, right next to me as I washed my face. 

“I know, ‘m sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Does Mr. Impatient want some head?” 

“Nah, ‘m good. Let’s jus’ go eat dinna, ‘m hungry,” he says sadly, climbing off of me and the bed. 

“That’s not what your dick is saying,” I respond, sitting up and pulling my shirt over my head, watching as he pulls a pair of joggers over his briefs to hide the bulge in his underwear. 

“‘m fine. Now, what d’ya want fer dinna?” he continues, stepping in the hallway, forgetting his shirt on the bedroom floor. 

“Dick.” 

“Fine, you can make yer own dinna, sassy pants!” he calls to me, joined by the sound of his bare feet slapping on the wooden stairs. 

With a sigh, I close my eyes and fall back onto the bed with a little bounce, thinking about him. I think about the look on his face when it was between my thighs, then between my breasts, and nosing at my underwear. What is wrong with me to deny that man? I don’t know, I want to do the deed with him- I want to make love to him and for him to make love to me, but for some reason, I’m just not ready. I have a weird feeling about the whole thing, like I should wait. I just wish that I knew the why.

+

I hear it before I see it, like I so often do. It runs a trail down the hallway and to my ears, pulling my lips into a smile long before I see the one sitting on his. 

“What on your phone is so funny?” I inquire, stopping in front of his desk and dropping his mail next to his keyboard. Another giggle tickles his lips as he pinches his bottom lip between his fingers, staring at something on his phone. 

“Yer dad ‘s what.” 

“I should’ve known,” I sigh, falling onto one of the chairs in front of his desk, watching as his thumbs flit across the screen. “I swear, you talk to my dad more than I talk to him, and he’s my dad!” 

“Uh oh, ‘s somebody gettin’ jealous now?” he teases, lifting his eyes to look at me as he sets his phone down.  

“No, why would I be jealous of you texting my dad? It makes me happy.” 

“Hmm, not sure I believe you, bug,” he remarks, popping a mint into his mouth, immediately chewing it. Sometimes, I really don’t get him. “Then why d’ya get so bent outta shape sometimes, hmm?”

Clucking my tongue, I huff with a smile that hugs the corner of my lips, “Maybe because he doesn’t answer when I call because he’s talking to somebody else.” 

“Hey now,” Harry titters, gesturing a hand at me to come to him once I’ve stood up. “Don’t be that way.” 

“I’m not being any way,” I say, turning around after considering the books he’s added to a new shelf of his. These ones are music biographies, big surprise. 

“Sure ya aren’t. C’mere, me stubborn girl,” he beckons, and I obey, taking slow steps over to him until I walk between his legs. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” I return, just as softly as he had uttered it. His rose lips spread into a sweet smile, reminding me why it’s always so damn hard to stay mad at him. 

“Are you grumpy?” Harry asks with the most adorable of pouts poised on his lips, winking at me. 

“No, I’m not grumpy. Are you ready to get started on this case? We really can’t be dawdling, you know.” 

“I know,” he answers, sadness stuck to his words. It guides his actions that lead him to look away from me, pulling me closer until he rests his forehead below my collarbone. 

“Then why are you these last few days? I thought you were so excited that we got this case, everybody else fought us for it.” 

“I am, but ‘s intimidatin’. I dunno if ‘m cut out fer it,” he says, slowly extending his fingers along the small of my back, and then pulling them back into a fist. In and out. In and out. “What if we can’t win it, Becks?” he asks, lifting his head to meet my eyes, and I wish I couldn’t see the blatant fear held in them. 

“Then we can’t. We can only do our best, Harry, that’s what you’ve always told me.” 

“And what if my best isn’t good enough? Ev’rybody ‘cross tha whole bloody world ‘s watchin’ this case, waitin’ t’ see what happens,” he continues, avoiding my eyes entirely, now tracing the pattern on the front of my blouse. 

“It will be, and it is, Harry. I promise you.” 

His head slowly moves up and down, but no words leave him. His questions bounce off the walls in my mind, replaying themselves, and I only wish that I could express my worry too. I’d certainly grown more confident in my abilities since I started working with him, and I owed it not just to his teachings, but also the confidence that he’s instilled in me. I hadn’t given him the go ahead for us to split a case equal between us, and I never knew when I’d be ready for that, so I’d always leaned on him and his skills, but now I was worried to do that. I’m afraid to, and I’d never been before. 

“Everything will be okay, Harry.” 

“I hope so, Becks,” he croaks, laying his forehead on my chest and his closing eyes flutter against my skin softly. I hold in the sigh that I want to let fall, but instead, I run my fingers through his hair and down his back, unsure of what more I can do. If there was anything I couldn’t be sure of, it was the future and what it held, and how little I knew what was coming.

+

It started that night, daunting and unwilling to let go, and if only I’d known what it was the beginning of. 

I kept checking my phone, staring at the clock that moved like molasses, and waiting for the text that wouldn’t come. Exhaling loudly, I swipe across the screen until his name is waiting for me, and I do it before I can stop myself. 

Are you on your way home yet? It’s supposed to snow tonight, maybe it is already. I don’t want you to get caught in it with bad roads

The word ‘delivered’ appears and then stares back at me, almost taunting me. Before my eyes, it changes to ‘read’ and I wait for the gray bubble to pop up on his side, but it doesn’t. I watch and I wait, and nothing happens. No thumbs up, no text reaction, no ‘b home soon,’ like he so often sends. Not a thing. I forget how long I sit there watching my phone screen, tapping at it when it grows dark, and wishing he’d send something. It got even later when I finally press the lock button and set my phone down on the nightstand, glancing at the alarm clock beside it. 

11:38. 

I tried not to worry and I tried not to overthink it, but I was already past that when I turned off the light. My heart continued to ram against my ribs as I slid under the cold blankets in an empty bed, watching the steady glow of the streetlamp outside the window. I lied there and I tried and I wanted to, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I had a hard time remembering the last time I had slept in a bed without him, even before I moved in we had sleepovers at his. I wasn’t sure how I’d get any sleep for another day of work tomorrow, knowing that I’d be up in seven hours, and so would he. That’s if I could shut off all of this worrying and fall asleep, if only. 

I listen to the whir of cars passing along on the street, and I find myself wishing one of them is his, but it’s too long until it actually is. The space around me had grown warm, but if I move a leg too far, I’m greeted by icy sheets. It had never been that way, I could always move a little and find him and his warmth. Sometimes, I’d wake in the morning and he was all around me, clinging to me and my heat. 

It was in the middle of a long, sleepy blink that I heard a door open downstairs, and shut. It was loud, a clumsy kind of one, and so are the footsteps that soon come up the stairs. A sigh tickles my ears before the door opens slowly with a squeak, and his feet pad through our bedroom. I only see a flash of him before he ducks into the ensuite bathroom with what looks like a handful of clothes. I watch the shadows that interrupt the bar of light under the door, and listen to his whistling and humming amidst the sloshing of running water. 

His eyes are tired when he opens the door again, and they only look all the more exhausted when they find mine in the lit darkness. 

“Why aren’t you sleepin’, bug?” he rasps, stepping forward in his outfit of nothing but joggers donning his legs. He claims that he can’t wear a shirt without getting too warm, because I heat the entire bed, or so he says. Right now, I don’t believe it. 

“I couldn’t . . without you.” 

“Oh, Becks,” he frowns, padding across the hardwood floor and pulling back the sheets to slip under them. “Brr, ‘m cold, warm me up, would ya?”

“Ugh, you’re freezing!” I exclaim, my nervousness melting away into giggles that tickle his neck as he wraps me in his arms. 

“Mmmm, now that’s better.” 

I hum a reply into his chest, dragging my fingers along his spine, touching the wispy baby hairs that cover his body like down. The questions from before still rummage around in my mind, looking for purchase. 

“Why were you out so late?” I decide to ask, smelling the toothpaste we use on my own breath, and then his. 

“Didn’t mean t’, jus’ lost track o’ time with Rore. We had some drinks and I didn’t wanna drive home buzzed, so I waited it out and had some waters.” 

“Good boy,” I reply, nuzzling into his cozy chest, feeling the feathery hair there tickle my face. Yawning, I let my body relax now that mine is finally back with his, one specific question hiding in the back of my mind. “But why didn’t you answer?” I mumble without caution, feeling myself begin to melt into a puddle of sleep against him. 

“Answer what?”

“Your phone,” I drawl, losing the feeling of my fingers and then my feet. 

“Jus’ go t’ sleep, bug. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Okay,” I hum in reply, not even sure of what he’d just said. “Goodnight, Harry. Love you.” 

“Night, my Becks,” he responds with a peck to my head, sounding far away.

+

The tapping of my shoes against the tiling fills my ears as I flip through his mail, noting which ones should go on top for him to see first, and what can remain at the bottom to be forgotten about until later. Something I’d accidentally fall back into the habit of when I returned to the firm, despite being a lawyer now, and not his assistant. Humming a tune I had heard earlier today, I look up and stop in his doorway, finding myself in an odd moment. With his eyes bent down, I can tell that he doesn’t know I’m there yet, and that he does it because he doesn’t see me. 

“What are you doing? It’s nine o’clock,” I titter, covering my mouth when my voice scares him, causing the brown liquid to spill over the side of his mug. 

“God, can ya maybe not scare tha shit outta me next time?” Harry almost retorts, mopping it up with a napkin before screwing the cap back onto the bottle. 

“Harry, I said, what are you doing?” I repeat, click clacking my way into his office and dropping his mail on his desk, yet again. 

“What? ‘s jus’ whiskey. Can I not make my coffee a li’l irish ev’ry now and then?” he questions, lifting the tall mug to his lips to sip from, steaming wafting against his face. 

“I guess so,” I trail off, waltzing back to the sofa and picking up my laptop. Sitting down, I place it on my lap and open it back up, watching the long pull he takes from the mug. Bringing up the internet browser I was using before, I scroll through the document as I try to forget watching him fill the mug nearly half of the way with whiskey.

+

“Harry?” I call out, toeing off my chestnut colored winter boots, hoping he won’t notice the puddle of water next to the shoe mat. He’s such a dad with the things he gets cross about, I swear. “Hello, are you home yet? I brought you some leftovers from Skye’s, you know, for dinner.” 

Padding into the house, I’m met with darkness and a soft silence. I don’t find my boyfriend sprawled out on the sofa in the living room, a show on the telly. I walk past the large flat screen and knock on the door of his study before pushing it open, finding that that room is also dark. 

“Harry, hello?” I almost shout again, taking the steps two at a time until I reach our bedroom, wondering if he was taking a nap after his early morning, or if he happened to not be feeling well. Once again, I come up empty handed, and my head begins to spin as the cogs turn inside of it. 

“Hullo?” the voice on the other side says whilst I pad down the stairs quickly. 

“Hi, where are you?”

“‘m at tha pub with My, why?” he says, and I can tell by the sound of clinking glasses and loud voices coming from his side. 

“Oh, just wondering. I thought you said you were coming straight home to work more on the case,” I begin, intending to continue but I don’t get the chance to. 

“No, I spent all bloody day workin’ on it, why should I spend me night off pourin’ over it too?” he nearly retorts, and I stop in my tracks before the island, taken aback by his tone. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t say you had to or anything, Harry. Is something wrong?”

“No, ‘d jus’ appreciate not havin’ you nag me like yer me mother or sumthin’. ‘m an adult, can’t I go out fer a drink at tha pub afta work? Reckon ‘ve deserved it, dontch’u think?” he continues with a carry to his voice that I don’t like, and it only begins to make sense once I’ve picked out the slur in his words. 

“Yeah, of course, just don’t drink too much, okay? And drive safe. Maybe don’t stay out as late as last night, you have an early meeting.” 

“I jus’ said don’t bloody nag me, and look what ya start doin’,” he bites back and I shudder, taking a seat at the island to steady my feet. 

“I didn’t mean to, Harry, I just care-.” 

“If ya fookin’ care so much, Becky, then stop treatin’ me like a damn baby,” he spits at me, and I hear the dial tone. 

“What the fuck?” I mutter under my breath, pulling my phone away from my ear. I grimace at the image on my lockscreen that only makes the wound sting worse. 

Dinner went down harshly and so did the glass of wine that I had with it although regrettably. Watching FRIENDS without him was a bore and it didn’t last long, afraid I’ll only piss him off further if he came home to see me skipping ahead in our show without him there. I whittled away at the next things to be done in the case - research this, research that, take notes on this, get these statements, bladdy blah. All just to busy my mind and to make the clock speed along until he came home, and hopefully, when things would go back to normal. 

Before I knew it, it was getting late and I was still home all alone. A warm bath didn’t calm my nerves and it only made me wish that he was sitting across from me under the suds, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t lying in the bed waiting for me when I got out, skin all shriveled like prunes, no matter how badly I wished he’d be home after my long bath. He hadn’t walked in the door after I read a chapter from my book, spoke on the phone with my dad, or wrote in my journal. I at last flicked off the bedside lamp and tried to fall asleep in a cold bed, once again.

I woke with a start to a loud slam! downstairs on the main level of the house, presumably a door. Failing to ignore it, I turn over and tug the covers higher, unable to tune out the sound of his loud footsteps climbing the stairs. Sinking lower into the messy covers, I keep my eyes shut and listen to his sloppy movements before they arrive him in the bed next to me with a huff. Words sit in my throat, itching to be said, but I only let one of them out. 

“Harry?”

+

It had become old, very swiftly and very quickly. For the next few nights, I sat alone at home, wondering and waiting for texts that never came, only to fall into a fitful sleep in a cold bed, all alone. I’d awake the next morning to the sound of him emptying his stomach into the toilet, and either leaving for work without me, or being a monumental crab-ass on the drive there. As the days carried on, I couldn’t remember for the life of me the last time his coffees weren’t Irish. I ignored it, and after a few days of doing that, I knew that that’s where my mistakes had begun. 

The door slowly creaked open and dragged in was him, glossy eyed and surprise etched on his features. 

“What d’ya want, mum? Gonna chew me out fer stayin’ out past me bedtime?” he jokes at me, closing the bedroom door behind him as he waltzes in wearing a disheveled version of today’s suit. 

“What’s going on with you?” I ask, twisting the rings around on my fingers, lingering on a new one that had appeared on my hand last week. Sometimes, it hurt to remember that it was there, but I could never get myself to take it off.  

“Oh, here we go,” he sighs, slamming closed a drawer to his wardrobe. Avoiding my eyes, he unclasps his belt and lets his trousers fall to the floor. “Nuthin’s goin’ on with me, I dunno why ya think sumthin’ ‘s.” 

“Yes, there is, Harry. You’ve been out late drinking every night this week, and I’m sick of it!” I confess quietly, unsure of where to find the fervor in my voice, or well, the volume. An ironic laugh curves at his lips as he undoes the buttons of his crimson red shirt. 

“I don’t rememba askin’ how ya felt ‘bout it, or needin’ yer permission eitha,” he retorts, achieving malice and cruel intent in a matter of seconds. It’s all too much when he meets my eyes with his unforgiving stare, and I have to look away. 

“Why are you acting like this?” I say, the incoming tears already decorating my words. His heavy sigh only makes my throat burn worse with its impending dryness. 

“What, are ya gonna fookin’ cry now? Bloody hell, ya can be a brat when ya wanna be,” he slurs, slinking off his button down that hits the floor silently. Sniffling, I look up and watch him slide on pajama bottoms to cover his dark black briefs. 

His tattoos grab at my attention from across the room, but I don’t want to fall asleep tracing them like I would any other night, because that’s not him standing across from me. It may have taken me a few days too long to realize this, but it’s not. That’s not my Harry. No, it’s the Harry that I first met that September day when he barked his Starbucks order at me. 

“It’s the case, isn’t it? It’s taking too much of a toll on you, Harry. You should give it up, or hand it off to somebody else. I don’t like this you, you’re drinking too much and-.” 

“Did I ask fer yer opinion? Y’know what? No, I don’t rememba that. Now, my bloody god, would ya leave it be so I can get some sleep?” he interrupts in a retort, heavy feet padding around to the other side of the bed with a wobbliness to them. He rips back the covers and sits down, grabbing his charger to plug his phone in. Swiping at my cheeks, I grab my pillow and anxiously begin my trek to the door. “Goin’ t’ sleep on tha sofa, are ya now? Good, maybe you’ll stop naggin’ on me then.” 

His voice that usually would lull me to sleep and drive the demons away instead keeps me away, guiding me down the steps until I stop on the last one. My butt burns when it falls onto the wooden step and I bury my face in my knees, my chest shaking with a new sob. 

I eventually scrounge up the might and energy to pull myself off of the staircase and across the room until I collapse onto the sofa, and cry myself into an uneasy sleep. 

The smell of eggs and toast wakes me the next morning, but the illusion is broken when I hear the slam of the door to the garage, and the hum of his car pulling away.

+

The sounds of Mozart and Beethoven meander around my office, but they fail to drive away the incessant thoughts that have buried their way into my mind. They mask the signalling sound of his footsteps that I could pick out from a crowd. 

“Hey, ‘m done with me meetin’ now. Ya wanna come t’ mine and we can finish up the openin’ statement?” he says, but as much as my heart reaches out for him, I can’t do it after the other night. Sure, casual conversation had happened since then, but he had also been missing in action for almost the entire weekend recently. A nice dinner together last night wasn’t enough to wash away the hurt from that night, and all of the others. “Becks?” Harry repeats, taking a step into my office. The door closes with a squeak that I’ve been meaning to ask him to get fixed, but something as simple as that hadn’t seemed possible in the last week, and neither had a kiss or a hug. Not even on our official ten month anniversary that came and went uncelebrated yesterday, despite his urging last week that we should do something to celebrate it. 

“No thanks, I’m fine in here,” I say softly, feeling the eggshells underneath my feet as the words make their way out. 

“Uh, okay,” he answers. “‘ll grab you fer lunch with me mum in an hour then. She picked Henry’s down tha street fer pizza. We haven’t been there in a while,” he finishes, and I wonder how he can manage such small talk after the things he had said to me. I ask and come up empty when I question how I could even let him. 

+

“And again, why are you hiding out in my office?” 

“I’m not hiding out in your office,” I insist, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear before resuming my typing. 

“Uh, yeah you are. You have your own office, don’t you remember?”

“What, I can’t hang out with my friend and work together?” I say, lifting my eyes to meet Asher’s sky blue pair that squint at me in question. He shakes his head with his lips parted, ready to say something, but he just sighs without an answer. 

“What tha hell?” somebody shouts, the blinds on Asher’s door swinging and swaying after the initial shock of its opening. I see Ash’s look before the intruder’s, but I’m afraid that I already know what it will be. 

“Harry-,” I begin, standing to my feet and pushing my laptop to the side, unsure of how I didn’t see this coming. 

“I was waitin’ fer you fer half an hour at tha restaurant, and so was me mum. You stood us up and wouldn’t answer yer fookin’ phone!” he explodes, taking another step inside Asher’s office. Asher begins to say something to him, but I get lucky and push Harry out of the room before he can get a chance to respond. “And you’d been sittin’ in there tha whole fookin’ time?” he continues, his words soon sounding different when I push him into the lift. 

“Now, you know how it feels.” 

“Know how what feels?” he bites back, prying my hand from his arm and taking a step back. I press a button at random and try to push down the hurt I felt when he picked my hand off of him. 

“To be waiting around for you, and to be stood up by you. You’ve been doing it to me for the last week, so it’s only right that you feel a little bit of my pain,” I say curtly, swinging around to face him, watching the smug grin plaster itself to his face as he wipes at his mouth. 

“So, this ‘s ‘bout you, ‘s it? God, what’s fookin’ new?” he sighs with an ironic laugh that feels gross in my ears. 

“No, it’s not about me, Harry, I-.” 

“D’ya know how that looked t’ me mum? I couldn’t get you on tha phone and ya never showed up. Ya made it look like we’re havin’ problems, Becks,” he says, stepping into my sentence, and this only gets me going further. 

“Who’s to say we aren’t, Harry?!” 

“‘Scuse me? We aren’t havin’ problems,” he begins, denying my claim as he uses his hands to talk. “We’re fine!” 

“Yes, we are, Harry! You get drunk every night after work- wait, let me start over. You pregame with Irish coffees all day at work, and then disappear every night to the pub only to come home around midnight out of your mind drunk!” I exclaim, feeling my blood boil as he shakes his head in disagreement, but I wish I could say that I’m surprised. 

“Yer not turnin’ this ‘round on me,” he tuts, pointing a finger at me as ice coats his words. “I have a drink or two at tha pub, there’s nothin’ wrong with that.” 

“It’s not a few drinks, Harry, it’s more than that and it’s becoming a problem! You have a drinking problem!” I insist, wishing I knew the magic key for how to get my words across to him, but they falter and run off on me. 

“I don’t have a drinkin’ problem, Becks, and ‘m gettin’ real fookin’ sick o’ you always monitorin’ me like ‘m a bloody baby! ‘m not, ‘m a grown ass adult, and if ya forgot, ‘m yer bleedin’ boss ‘round here. ‘m not likin’ tha attitude yer havin’ with me and if ya continue it, ‘ll take ya off the Gellar case.” 

“Fine, take me off it. I don’t give one fuck, Harry, because it’s hell working with you on that case. You’re almost drunk all day at work, you give me the shitty jobs to do, and now, here’s a perfect example of you taking your shit out on me!” I argue back, but the fire soon disappears in my words, and with my next ones, I watch it extinguish on his face. “Why are you treating me like this? I-I’m concerned for you and I’m trying to help, and you’re being so mean to me. It’s inexcusable . . I want my Harry back . . I wish you’d never taken this high profile case, because it’s destroying you, and I’m scared that it’ll do the same to us.” 

A flash of my Harry appears on his face, but I don’t wait to watch it disappear, walking off the lift and back onto Seventeen and away from him.

+

My feet seem to have a mind of their own the next day, inching one way and then itching to go in another. I ignore them and remain in my office for another day of sulking, trying to apply myself to this new case with Rose, but it’s a swing and a miss. The buzzing of my phone is something I’ve learned to ignore, but when I see that it’s my dad or Skye, both of whom I’ve neglected to tell about Harry and I, it becomes all the harder. 

That thought is dislodged by the knock at my door, a simple gesture that as of late can send my stomach into somersaults, wondering who it is. I’m reminded too quickly of the times when I sat at that shitty desk in the corner, and how I feel far too much like that person right now. The girl who was unappreciated and who was treated like shit by her boss. 

“Hey. I thought today’s meeting was cancelled, something about Myles being out and the drunk that I regrettably call my boyfriend is well, drunk again,” I say, hoping the man of the hour isn’t passing behind Rose right this second to hear my speech. 

“No, um, it’s still off. I uh . . “

“Spit it out already. What’s wrong?” I ask, screwing open my water bottle and slowly pouring a small stream of water into the succulent on the corner of my desk. Harry’s plant, the very one he’d named Frankie all that time ago. For what reason, I don’t remember. “I don’t know what that look is for, it’s not like my life could get any worse right now . . or can it?”

“It can,” she says, breaking the ice, but I’m not sure if she’s doing it slowly or ripping off the bandaid in one pull. “Harry’s telling people that you quit the case because you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle it.” 

“God, I really am going to kick the shit out of him one of these times,” I groan, setting down the steel water bottle loudly and haphazardly screwing the cap on. 

“Becky, don’t,” she warns me, stepping forward and trying to block my path to the door, but she hasn’t even made a dent. “Starting another row with him isn’t going to help anything. I just saw him and he’s practically asleep at his desk, he’s drunk so much.” 

“I don’t bloody care, I’m not going to let him spread rumors about me, his own fucking girlfriend,” I retort, taking the last step until she’s practically shoving at my shoulders. Huffing, I meet her eyes and for an instant, I feel bad for her and what she’s had to watch. “Rose, don’t. Please. I need to speak to him. I’m sick of his immature teenager act, he’s being a right asshole, and he deserves to be told it.” 

“Fine,” she sighs softly, hands dropping before she steps to the side. 

My feet pound around the corner and down the hall, taking only a few moments until I arrive at his door. I savor the way he jumps in his chair when I slam his door shut, only to sink back into the expanse of pricey leather. 

“What d’ya want? ‘m tryin’ t’ sleep here, haven’t ya noticed?” Harry drawls, sleepily. His eyes flutter closed again and he swallows before trying to get comfortable in his chair again. 

“Well, maybe if you came home at a half decent time each night you wouldn’t be falling asleep at work, but I guess you just can’t put down the bottle, Harry. By the looks of it, you can’t at work, either,” I say, curling my lip when I see the empty bottle of vanilla whiskey sat open on his desk. God, he really is going to get his ass fired or demoted one of these times, not to mention start a smear campaign for the firm. 

“This shit again? I don’t wanna fookin’ hear it, Becks. Give it a rest, ‘m a grown adult, I can do what I please.” 

“So talking shit about me to your coworkers is doing as you please, is it now?” I say, coming out and dealing it, right then and there. Something in him stills and his eyes slowly open and try to focus on me. I think I see apology and regret in them, but I whip off any rose colored glasses I still had on and chuck them to the side. “I’m your girlfriend, Harry . . What the fuck is wrong with you?” I exhale, feeling the first tear when I blink and turn away from him. I try to ignore the pang I feel in my chest when I don’t hear my favorite voice calling my nickname from behind me, but I guess it’s time that he stopped chasing after me. It seems to be coming to an end . . I just wish I’d known when the beginning was. 

After a quiet cry and a few YouTube videos, I meander my way to the break room for my lunch, bumping shoulders with somebody when I walk in the door. Automatic ‘sorrys’ leave our lips as I continue my mission to the fridge where my leftovers sit. Leftovers from another lonely dinner without Harry last night. 

“You alright, Becky?”

“What?” I ask in surprise, at last looking up to find the culprit of the question. “Oh, Myles, hi. I’m fine.” 

“You don’t look it. Harry doesn’t either lately, there isn’t a theme, is there?” he almost jokes, but I don’t laugh as I press random numbers on the microwave. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m alright, thanks. No offense, but you’re kind of the biased best friend. Trust me, I know. I have one of them too.” 

“Well, trust me, ‘cause I’m not,” he insists, and when I look around, pretending to take a gander, my eyes drift to the door habitually. “Here, maybe this’ll help.” 

I watch him cross the room to stick a key into the door and the lock flicks with a metallic sound. 

“What will people do without their tea and lunch? You may as well be starting a mutiny,” I say, trying to lighten the atmosphere around us, but I find it’s no use when he stops at my side with a grim expression. 

“I haven’t seen him drink this much, since well . . you left.” 

“Huh,” I hum, less of a question and more of a realization, one I hadn’t wanted to make. “He’s sure doing a good job of working towards that again . . I hear he’s been saying things about me.” 

“Swear I haven’t heard a thing, and if I did, I wouldn’t believe a word that comes from his drunk ass lately.” 

“It seems you’re the only one,” I laugh almost ironically, but it comes out sounding sad as can be. Hoping and praying, I try to hide the sniffle as the microwave door opens with a pop! 

“Sure I’m not.” 

“Rose told me he’s telling people I left the Gellar case because I was scared, when in truth, he kicked me off it because I’ve been on his ass about staying out late every night drinking,” I risk, staring down at the steaming container of food, forgetting the spoon set to the side to stir it at the halfway mark. “He’s my boyfriend, and my best friend. He’s supposed to protect me from the people who want to hurt me, not become one of them,” I reveal, each word becoming heavier with tears that try to swallow my voice. “Why is he doing this, Myles? This isn’t the Harry I know . . it’s that one I first met.” 

“Oh, Becky,” he sighs, stepping forward and pulling me into a hug. “I don’t know. I wish I could tell you why, I’ve wondered meself . . He’s got issues, even he knows it, but . . he has a hard time of dealing with ‘em. He ignores ‘em instead, with whiskey. You shouldn’t take it like this, it’s not fair to you.” 

“I try. I’ve tried talking to him and being nice about it, but he doesn’t listen to me. He won’t stop drinking and it scares me, how he acts and the things he says,” I confess in a blubbery voice against his suit jacket. “I never thought I’d have to do this and I hate that I have to . . but I don’t want him to be my mentor anymore, Myles, please. Maybe Rose, instead. Can you do it without him finding out and getting even more mad at me?”

“Yeah, I can sneak it past him, don’t worry.” 

“I wish I could,” I nearly whisper, pulling away and grabbing the hot container whilst I swipe at my wet cheeks, ignoring the burning heat against my skin, knowing that that’s the mildest pain I’ve felt in days.

+

A few days later, I’m greeted by darkness and silence after the key clicks in the lock, and my footstep is the first sound in the house. 

“You’re sure you want to do this?” the words echo inside of my skull, but I can’t find the confidence I had when I had first heard them, when I need it so badly right now. “I’ll support whatever decision you make, Ree, and you know you always have a place to stay here.” 

“Thanks, Skye,” I had said then, and I mutter now too as I stop in front of our bedroom door. The quiet embeds itself into every nook and cranny, but I welcome it and only wish that it could replicate itself in my mind. 

The pounding of my heart grows louder when I push the door open, and the beginning tears don’t mask it when I drop the suitcase onto the bed. The sounds only worsen as I open drawers and take items out to fill the zippers, leaving an emptiness behind that couldn’t compare to that I hold inside of me. 

My head moves every which way, trying to memorize the sights around me, but all I see and all I hear are the rows we’d had the last few nights here. In the kitchen after he tried to sneak inside reeking of whiskey, or the night before in the living room when he came home shouting at me about why I didn’t finish the opening statement, despite being dropped from his case. Then another over him growing mad with me for not answering my phone, deciding if he wasn’t going to answer my texts and calls, then why should I bother to answer his. 

I feel the grooves and the raised edges, sure I’d at least memorized those as I pull it from my pocket, watching the color blur before my eyes. My thumb slides across the medal wet from my uncontrollable tears, and at last, I place it on the island counter with a small clack!, finally letting go. 

“What’re ya doin’?” a voice says softly out of nowhere. Spinning around, I blink back the tears until Harry focuses in front of me. His thick eyebrows furrow above his murky greens, and only then do I see his boots kicked off by the doorway that had gone unnoticed by me, and his coat draped over the staircase newel. 

“H-Harry,” I stutter, swallowing against a dry throat that deprives me of any explanations I could muster. 

“Becks, what’re ya doin’? It looks like . . . ,” he trails off to look at the item, his words escaping him until they shine brightly in his eyes, and wrench at my heart. “Looks like yer movin’ out, and without even tellin’ me. What, was I supposed t’ come home t’night t’ find yer key on tha counter, and piece it all t’getha meself? And tha night befo’ I leave fer me case? How in tha hell ‘s that any fair, Becks?” 

“Harry, I- please-.” 

“No, why should I let ya explain? It doesn’t seem ya were gonna bother t’ leave me a note or even break it t’ me,” he continues quietly with astonishment wild on his face, and in his voice that smells rough and hard with alcohol. 

“Harry, I was just going to stay at Skye’s tonight and while you were away. I-.” 

“Then why leave tha key, huh?” he asks, voice growing firm and so does the green in his eyes. “God, ‘m so sick o’ arguin’ with you, seems that’s all we do lately. ‘m jus’, ‘m done, Becks. I really am.” 

“Harry, no. Please, don’t say that. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying,” I say hurriedly, stepping forward and dropping the bag. It hits the floor with a bang! just as he turns away while dragging a hand down his face. 

“I know what ‘m sayin’, Becks, and I know ‘m done dealin’ with all o’ this shit. Fer havin’ such an ungrateful girlfriend who nit picks ev’ry li’l thing I do, ‘cuz ‘s jus’ never good enough fer her.” 

“Harry, that’s not true,” I sob, following him with my steps that feel more heavier as I continue, but he seems to be moving further and further away from me. 

“It ‘s tho’, y’know it ‘s. ‘m . . . ‘m doin’ it fer you, ‘kay? ‘m doin’ what ya can’t do, ‘m callin’ it. We’re done, we’re breakin’ up. We both knew it was comin’,” he mutters, and I no longer can make out the sounds in his voice or what it holds, because I can barely see him through the waterfall of tears. 

“Please, Harry, I don’t want to break up. I’m sorry.” 

“Sometimes sorry doesn’t cut it, isn’t that whatch’u say t’ me?” he retorts, at last stopping to face me fully. The splashes of black and brown covering his body turn ashier and darker the longer I look, but it doesn’t compare to the look on his face. 

“But I love you . . and I know that you love me too.” His eyes run away from me and finally, so do his words. “Harry, say it back, please. We can just pretend this didn’t happen, and go to bed together. We can sleep it off and talk about it in the morning before your flight,” I cry, watching his face devoid of emotion show me nothing when I can’t stop showing him. When I could never learn how to close myself off to him, he finally learned how to close his book to me so I could stop reading him. 

He stares at the floor, his only movements are his eyes blinking and his hand scratching at the back of his head. The seemingly permanent glossiness to his eyes wavers and tears appear in them, but something pulls me backwards and away from him. I take the steps and wish that they could rewind time too, but they only bring me to the case that I place in my hand without deciding to. I look up and walk over to him, unsure of when my legs had begun to move, or if my body was doing all of this for me, because it figured out that I can’t. I just, I can’t. 

“Go, Becks, ‘kay? ‘ve made me mind up, we’re over. Leave befo’ tha snowstorm gets too bad,” Harry announces in an absent, choked voice, his hand falling from his head as my chest shakes with sob after sob. His eyes budge up a little but they avoid mine entirely, and so does he as he walks around me and up the stairs. 

I don’t remember deciding to walk out the front door, or getting into my car, but I’m there when I curl inward on myself as tears cascade down my face. I’m fully there as the stitches that he put in my heart are ripped open and all of the memories that he filled my heart with spill out, stinging one by one. I’m there as I watch the lights in the house turn off and the one for our bedroom turns on, and I immediately correct myself, knowing that it’s not ours anymore. I sit there until I can muster the energy to drive, telling myself that he’s not mine anymore, and I was a right idiot for ever telling myself that he was.

+

The sheets are cold when the blaring of the alarm awakens me, and I turn over, inching a foot across the mattress in search. It’s met with only coldness and I slowly peel my eyes open, searching with them now, for her. Sitting up, I rub a knuckle into my bleary eyes, trying to focus my sight on the emptiness on the other side of the bed. 

Questions fill me and answers fleet me as I pad down the stairs and past the front door, arriving in the kitchen. Turning a light on, I squint at the sudden brightness that sends throbs through my head. It’s accompanied by another throb when I spot the lone purple key sitting on the marbled countertop, away from the half burned candle and the cribbage board with a deck of cards atop it. 

I’m not sure how I got there, but I feel the cold of the wood floor all around me next, accompanied by the hot tears flowing down my cheeks. The answers come fast and painful in my insides, and opening my eyes, I watch last night replay before me, and what I did. What I did to her, and to us. Myles’ words over the last few weeks resound in my head, and they won’t stop. 

“The fuck are you doing? You’re going to screw everything up if you don’t stop before it’s too late!” 

“It is too late,” I mutter under my breath, feeling the cool wooden floor beneath my forehead as I curl inside myself, wishing she could come and save me. But that’s the last thing that’s going to walk in that door, because I made it so she has to save herself, and so do I.

+

Violins and harps dance around my empty office, and I try not to look up and lose myself in the images of memories that seem to stick to every corner of the room. Him opening birthday presents on the sofa, the makeout sessions on the same piece of furniture, the almost first kiss by my window, the first time I saw my office with him in tow, and all of the times he’d work over my shoulder planting kisses along my neck. So many more of them float around the space vying for my attention, but it’s stolen away when there’s a rap on my door. 

“Come in,” I say automatically, looking back at my computer screen, putting back on the mask that I’ve donned for however long it’s been now since it all started, and the three days since he left. The ‘I’m okay’ mask, something I can’t even believe. 

“Look at my pretty girl,” they say, and despite the way I could never mistake that very voice, for a split second I want to and wish that I could be right in my mistaking. It takes more than I have to look away and up at him, and the tears are already close and on their way when he smiles the saddest kind of one at me. 

“Dad, what are you doing here?” I ask in near alarm, standing to my feet, afraid of what his answer might be. His lips fall flat and my confirmation is right there, although I’m unsure if I ever needed it, because he speaks for it himself. 

“Skye told me what happened with Harry. I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he almost coos, and holds out his arms before I could ask. They’re open for mere seconds before they close around me and my shaking figure. “It’s okay, Boops, I’m here. It’s all going to be okay.” 

“No, it’s not. I don’t know if there will ever be a time again that I feel okay,” I sob into his shoulder, gradually finding my words and feeling the sting of having to repeat it for the second or third time. The sting grows worse remembering the morning after crying on Skye’s lap and not knowing if I’d ever be able to stop. No matter what time it is, it never gets easier. I don’t think if I’d had any warning, it would’ve been any less harder.

+

The raucous of laughter, shouts, and praises sound outside the door and I wish I knew why. Shaking my head at the obscene volume, I flip to the next page of the magazine, finding DIY Christmas decorations that according to this magazine, everybody and anybody can make. 

“No, thank you,” I mutter to myself, completely vetoing Christmas this year, despite knowing that I’ll have to make it to Madley for the traditional weekend spent at my dad’s in only a few weeks. I just don’t know how I’m going to manage it knowing the person I can’t take with me anymore whose name will be on presents sitting under the tree. The same name claims gifts that I’d hidden in the attic at ho- at his home, long forgotten by now, or I wish. 

“Hell, you really do get prettier ev’ry day,” somebody mumbles from behind me, and I pause mid page flip. I’m glad that I wasn’t holding my tea, or else I know it’d be painted all over the front of my heather gray dress. Now, that would be a disaster, but I know it doesn’t compare to the one that intends to unfold within the next few moments. Swallowing hard, I silently turn to the next page and ignore the greeting. 

“Ya weren’t at me welcome home party that the firm threw fer me.” 

“There wasn’t enough room,” is all I say, neglecting to mention that I had no idea until now, despite should’ve knowing how the pieces went together. His appearance. The loud voices and cheering just outside the door that’s only a few steps from the lift. It’s my saving grace for how I was rarely ever late back in the day. “You won it,” I remark, sure it’s less of a question and more of a statement. 

“I did.” 

“Congrats, you put on a good defense from what I hear,” I announce in a voice devoid of the emotion that usually accompanies that word. 

“Thanks . . but I don’t deserve it,” he begins shyly, and I hold back my response that only eggs his self-deprecation on. “I dunno how I did it tho,’ ‘cuz all I could think ‘bout tha whole I was there was you. Ev’ry second fer that entire week it was, ‘what ‘s Becks doin’?,’ ‘what’ll I say t’ her when I get home,’ ‘what can I say t’ her,’ ‘I dunno what t’ do at this part, what would she do?’” he pours out, and I gulp past the impending desert that’s signalled its return. No, I’d made it a few days now without them, I can’t break that streak now. No, not now. Please. 

“It seems you didn’t need it, you did just fine without me,” I answer bleakly, aware of the knives that my voice holds and how they stab with the voice devoid of anything happy and bright. 

“That’s not true,” he argues, and I hear the first step, and feel it in the hairs rising on the back of my neck. I feel it in the squeeze of my heart and the goosebumps on my arms that long for his touch and also fear it. I hear the crack in his voice and the wet sniffle that plays in the empty room. “I couldn’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout you and how I fooked ev’rythin’ up, even befo’ I left. I woke up that mornin’ and knew ‘d done it . . ‘d jus’ been home befo’ here and all o’ yer things were gone, and I never thought comin’ home could be so fookin’ hard . . I-I tried so many times t’ get ahold o’ you but ya wouldn’t answer, and I can’t blame ya. I can’t believe how I treated you, Becks, and ‘m so fookin’ sorry . . . I haven’t touched a bleedin’ drop since that last night, and I never want t’ ‘gain. I never want t’ go that long without talkin’ t’ you ‘gain, it felt like I was losin’ me mind ev’ry fookin’ day missin’ you so badly. Meant it when I said ‘m not sure how I won tha case when I couldn’t get you off me mind.”

“Get used to it,” I retort, closing the magazine swiftly and spinning around. Flashes of color greet me, but I turn away from his figure and make for the door. 

“Becks, please, don’t,” he begs in a voice spilling with emotion. “‘m sorry, ‘m so sorry,” he whimpers, the warmth of his fingers pressed to mine feeling like the first rays of sun in the spring. Ripping my hand from his, I don’t let him try to melt the ice that he planted inside of me. 

“No, Harry, you don’t get to just waltz in here and sorry your way out of this. It’s not that easy this time,” I say, hoping he feels the bite of my words, but I see it when I take the leap and look into those endless greens. “You really fucking hurt me, Harry . . You were my best friend and you hurt me more than anybody I know . . You were supposed to protect me from others doing that to me, but you did it too. How can I ever trust you again?” I begin to cry, knowing that it’s about to be Niagra in here if I don’t skedaddle. Whimpering, I dash out of the door with the image of his flooded sage eyes stinging in my own, and how my heart lurches at the regret of not wiping them away.

+

His eyes drift repeatedly from the floor to ceiling window and back to his wrist, tapping at it only to walk away with disappointment. He may have closed his book to me, but I still remember so many of the pages, and I can’t figure out how I could ever stop knowing what they say. After Myles finishes speaking about the upcoming elder’s meetings, his bottom lip becomes caught between his teeth like a vice, and then I know it’s bad. I look away when a few too many seconds have followed, risking that he’ll catch my stare. If he’s found it in the recent few days since we last spoke in between tears and in between pages of a magazine, he hasn’t made it known. 

I feared this team meeting, the first one with him back and sitting at the helm with Myles. He looks fresher and no longer sporting the alcohol sweats and beard, but something is still missing. He’d gotten his hair cut and it’s hardly any different, but it’s not that. His suits are perhaps a little more wrinkled, but that’s not the last puzzle piece, either. I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to say it. No, not after I saw the way he smiled at his new intern, Frankie, she called herself. Francine something or other, it is. Beats me. I’m sure she probably had a name for each of her boobs as well, seeing as how they could probably be seen from space. I watched her admire him too, but I doubted she saw the circles under his eyes, or the way his lips looked like they’d never smile again. I was almost positive she couldn’t see the way his suits hung a little looser on him, or how he rubbed the naked skin of his left hand’s middle finger, missing something. 

I wondered whether or not to linger once everybody was dismissed, but even if I had wanted to, how could I? She followed him like a puppy. I hope I had never done that, or that somebody would have put me out of my impending doom- I mean misery, if I had been. He walked out of sight, and somehow, all I could think about is how the back of his head is still just as cute, and so is his bum. 

Several coffee refills and trips to the loo commenced until I found myself pulled to his doorway, pretending to be walking to Gwen or Rory’s office. God forbid, I ever give that asshole the time of day, I’d never hear the end of it. For the first time, Ms. Boobs is missing in action, and I never thought I could be more grateful for somebody’s absence. Last week only seemed to argue with that, now that I think of it, and how something inside of me warmed every time I saw him in the hallways. It sparks until a fire ignites when I catch sight of his backside facing me until it turns around, and at last, I’m caught. 

Defeat covers his features and the surprise inches away, leading him to look down at his messy desk. “Hi,” I say, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my slacks, still wishing they made fleece lined ones. 

“Hey,” he returns in a squeak that shrinks in comparison to his beautiful voice. 

“It’s today, isn’t it? Your gran’s surgery . . the hip?” I ask, taking one step forward, and then it’s two. 

“Ya,” he hums in reply, sorting through what appears to be an overflowing stack of mail that’s been forgotten since his trip. 

“How’d it go?”

“She’s still in. I keep waitin’ t’ hear sumthin’ but there’s nuthin’,” he answers plainly, tearing certain envelopes in half and others automatically go into the bin for shredding. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sure everything will be okay, she’s really healthy and strong, Harry.” 

“I dunno, Becks, ‘m so worried. It shouldn’t take this long,” he sighs, bringing a hand to his face while his head goes back and forth. It’s only a moment until I hear the hiccuping of his breath and the sound of tears shed against skin. 

Against better judgement, or any for that matter, he’s in my arms in seconds. My hands are running courses up and down his back, even daring a go at his hair now and then, whilst he sheds sadness into my neck. 

“Everything will be okay, Harry,” I insist, and which he only shakes his head at. “It will be, you just have to believe it. I have a feeling.” 

“How can ya say that? How ‘m I s’posed t’ believe that, Becks?” he whimpers, pulling away and staring at me bleary eyed with tears coating his cheeks. “I dunno that there’ll ever be a time ‘gain where things are okay,” he finishes, spinning on his heel and escaping down the hallway, leaving me high and dry. I only wish that my eyes could claim that truth, as well, but that’d be a lie.

+

It smelled of metal and disinfectant around me, but I tried to drown it out with the images I scroll through. The electronic beeping wormed its way into my thoughts, but I welcomed the respite from the chaos toiling around in there. Images of friends and casual strangers litter my Instagram feed and instead of looking away when the dinging stops, I continue to look, distracting myself. That in itself seems to be my job for the last few weeks, owned by the number one job of not thinking about it. It’s followed by another important task of not crying in public, and saving it for at home despite the place owning that name changing recently. I’ve failed at all of those jobs the second I think about the person who I called my home for so long now, and can’t any longer. 

The smell is what gets me at first, and immediately, the pictures are forgotten. I know before I look up that the facade is broken. Then, everything is shattered within a few moments, no matter how good I’ve gotten at ignoring him, or pushing down the feelings when I see him across the table at a team meeting. I’ve gotten good at the pretending part, but the only person I’ve never been able to do that around is the very one who accompanies me on the elevator now. My bad luck echoes when I finally chance a glance and I leave it for too long, because then he looks up and meets my eyes. 

Harry. My home . . but he’s not that any longer. 

“Hi,” he risks with a gentle curve of his lips, and a gentleness in his eyes that he once held in his hands for me too. A softness that never left him once I worked my way into his heart all of those years ago, it’s one that I still can’t allow myself to get rid of. 

“Hi,” I return curtly, tearing my eyes away from him, and his new suit. An ensemble a shade of mauve with a raven black button up underneath. Spiffy, indeed. It feels like a mini marathon to look away from that suit, and how it hugs him in all of the right places. The biceps, the chest, opens at his widely attractive throat, reminds me of the base that we never hit when my eyes venture too low, and his bum. No, I can’t see it from my view right now, but I’d made sure to have seen it earlier today. 

“‘s good timin’, I was wonderin’ if we could talk,” he ventures out on a limb to say, and my eyes are rolling before he gets to finish. 

“I don’t want to talk, Harry.” 

“Becks, please, jus’ lemme finish, bug,” he says, and I wonder how he can be so gutsy to use those two coveted names in one sentence. Despite his bravery, the gesture does its job, and I gulp against the longing that climbs up my throat. 

“No, you don’t get to. You haven’t earned that just yet.”

“What d’I have t’ do, Becks?” Harry questions in a sigh, a hand dragging through his hair. It falls with an impatient slap to his thigh. 

“I dunno, Harry, maybe you shouldn’t have become a neglectful drunk in the first place,” I retort, stepping forward to stab the button of the closest floor, so I don’t have to do this. 

“How many times d’I hafta say ‘m sorry? I could say it a hundred times and ‘s not gonna be enough, ‘s it?”

“No, it won’t,” I answer, continually hitting the button. 

“Stop pushin’ it, yer gonna break it or sumthin,’” he warns, and just like he said, the contraption lurches to a stop. “Now, look what ya did.” 

“I didn’t break the bloody elevator, Harry.” 

“Sure, ya didn’t,” he sighs and even in the near dark, I know that he’s biting at his lip beside me. 

Huffing, I step back until my back hits the wall, watching him in the soft glow of the emergency lights. Slowly, that night from Halloween comes back to me. I watch how he pulls his phone out and dials a number and talks to some invisible person, just like the time before. His fingers card through his hair similarly, and his lips utter sighs and curses like then too. 

“‘s tha snowstorm, ‘s shut off tha power in tha entire firm,” he announces after saying goodbye and pulling his phone away from his ear. “They’ll get t’ us but it might be a while.” 

“Doesn’t the firm or at least the elevator have a backup or something?”

“I dunno, ‘m tha lawyer, Becks, not a bloody mechanic. I don’t deal with that shit,” he mutters with a shake of his head, typing away on his phone. 

Groaning loudly, I slide down the sleek metal wall of the elevator until my bum meets the cold and dirty floor, just like before. 

“I guess we’re stuck with each other for a while then, it’s your dream come true,” I mumble while folding my arms across my chest. He flits his eyes over to me only to roll them before looking away. “Oh, so you don’t want to talk to me now?”

“No, ‘d rather not, if yer not gonna try and listen t’ me,” he admits sadly, stepping back and leaning against the wall. A similar sound leaves my lips and I look down at my lap until my eyes habitually return to him. I finally let myself look at him for the first time in, what, a month? It seems like a lifetime ago that I could at last look at him for however long I wanted without it being weird or him saying something. Without my hidden feelings being betrayed. “There’s mo’ t’ do than jus’ stare at me, y’know.” 

“Sorry,” I whisper, looking to my lap and turning a ring around my finger absentmindedly. 

“Ya still wear it?” 

My eyes dance to him without a decision to do so, like they so often did, and my nod is immediate as well. His smile seems rather instantaneous too, appearing before my eyes as I watch him. His ring on my hand had caught my eye, one of his I’d stolen at the before everything went to shit and slid it on my thumb. It’s the only finger it’d fit on, and I’d almost forgotten it was there, but it’d become a nervous habit of mine as of recent, although hypocritical in the slightest. 

“I thought you’d taken it off, hadn’t seen ya wear it.” 

“It felt too weird not wearing it,” I reveal softly, embarrassment fighting for a spot in my voice, but I’m not sure if that’s how it could be described. 

“I guess that says sumtin’, or ‘least I hope it does,” Harry says, looking to his feet with a sad laugh that’s short, like a staccato. This all feels like one, a standalone chapter. Perhaps an episode from The Twilight Zone, almost. 

“You were my best friend, Harry, that’s not something you just forget,” I say quietly, unsure of if he hears me, but his nod tells me so. If that hadn’t, the emotion that swells in his face does it for me. 

“Then why did you?” he asks, meeting my eyes and I find the pain in my heart matched in the greens. A shade I’ve missed so immensely, and that grows hazy in moments. “Why’d you forget about me?”

“You really hurt me, Harry. I never thought you could hurt me so much.” 

His sniffling encourages the tears that flow from my eyes to join his just as the sound of his footsteps initiates him sitting down beside me. At first, it feels too close and too dangerous, but then I look at the gap that separates us. It’s been larger and unbreakable before, but somehow, this feels exponential too. It somehow had returned after its departure when I had pressed my lips to his, because after that, neither of us let it live again, and we always took the step that wasn’t there. 

“So, what do I say if I can’t say sorry?” he says in a voice choked with pain, propping his arms on his bent knees out of the corner of my eye, holding his wrist with a circle of fingers. 

“I dunno,” I answer tearfully, wiping below my waterline, wishing I had the answers so that all of this could stop. “I wish I knew, but I don’t. If I knew I’d tell you, because then this all could be over, and I could stop missing you so fucking much every literal second. Then I could stop getting jealous of that booby intern who won’t stop throwing herself at you. I tried not to be jealous by not caring, but I couldn’t lie to myself, because I do care and I always will, Harry. I’ll always miss you . . in bed next to me with your arms always waiting for me, your face at our table at Pedro’s on Tuesdays waiting there for me, every day after work waiting on my sofa until I’m ready to go home with you . . ,” I trail off in a sob, thoughts bubbling inside of my lips but they become too hard to speak. 

“‘m still waitin’, Becks, ‘ve never stopped since that day I first met you,” he says in a voice softer than marshmallows and sweeter than honey. “‘ll always be waitin’ fer you.” Since that first day I had met him, you never could’ve made me believe that looking into his face I’d see a mirror, but I believe it more today than I ever thought I could. Because I am, in the way the tears silently fall down his cheeks, the openness of his eyes that beg for me, and the way that mine beg for him too. 

“‘s it true ya put in yer two weeks?” Quickly, I shrink and I avoid, ignoring everything altogether, but if I’ve learned one thing through this all is that I can’t do that as badly as I wish I could. “‘m still yer boss, Becks, sumthin’ like that can’t get away from me. I saw tha letter on My’s desk one day and when he saw me readin’ it, he told me . . Becks, please don’t leave. Yer learnin’ so much and we all love you here. Yer doin’ so well, and there’s so much I want t’ teach you. Turner and Jones ‘s . . . ‘s not yer home, love, this ‘s yer home.” 

“I thought you were my home once and I was wrong,” I don’t know why I say it, but I do, and immediately I regret it. Without seeing him, I know that he wishes I hadn’t said it too, by the intake of air and the way he turns away from me. 

“Y’know, I think ‘ll get sick o’ fightin’ fer you, but I don’t. I get tired, but I don’t get sick o’ it. I never wanna stop. I wanna tell our kids one day that I never stopped fightin’ fer you, and sometimes I think it’ll happen. But, I dunno- When I saw you kiss that bloke, I stopped believin’ in it.” 

Gulping, my eyes find him immediately and the tears ricochet throughout my body from his words. The sounds of his crying prick at my ears, but I don’t see them fall down his face, just the way he plays with his lips. 

“Harry-.” 

“I love you and ‘m sorry. ‘ll never stop showin’ you that fer tha rest o’ me life, what more do I hafta do?” he begs, turning to face me. My heart squeezes inside of my chest at the mere sight, and my lips press themselves together. “But if ya- if ya tell me that . . yer happy with him, then ‘ll stop. I want yer happiness mo’ than mine,” he croaks, words stolen from him at times as mine are drowned in salt water. 

Whimpering, the sight of my hands wringing each other appears in front of me, and then his pained sigh meets my ears. Hiccups rack my chest and I stop hiding the crying, listening to it echo off of the walls that remain still around us. 

“His name’s Ben-.” 

“I know who he ‘s,” he says gingerly, but with disdain that tries to push me back, and make me stop. “‘ve argued cases against him . . both lost and won.” 

“I met him during my clinicals there, he-.” 

“I don’t wanna hear ‘bout him, Becks, I-I can’t,” Harry announces firmly, standing to his feet and beginning to walk in circles. 

“I ended things with him last week, not that there was much to end . . that same day you must have seen us kiss outside the courts . . after he shoved me to the floor that night. And he wasn’t you, nobody else could ever be you.”

“What?!” he nearly explodes, the words ringing loudly in my ears again and again as they resound off of the walls. “Oh, that bloke’s not gonna know what hit him when I get my fookin’ hands on him.” 

“Harry-.” 

“Tell me that you don’t want me t’ beat tha shit outta him, Becks,” Harry insists, but with my eyes not looking at him, I remain silent. “That’s what I thought . . Bloody minute this lift starts workin’ ‘gain, ‘m gonna make him regret ever touchin’ you.” 

Nodding, I brush the back of my hand against my nose and feel a sob overcome me. My shoulders fall and I pull my knees into my chest, soon feeling the tears soak through my slacks. 

“Aw, honeybug,” he sighs pitifully, and at last, one of my dreams comes true when I feel him surround me with his warmth. Him. “I had no idea you’ve been dealin’ with that, ‘m so fookin’ sorry, Becks. ‘m so sorry you’ve had so much shit t’ deal with, ya don’t deserve any o’ this. He’s a fookin’ sorry excuse fer a man fer doin’ that t’ you and trust me ‘m gonna make him sorry. He’s a right wanker, and he only ever won one case against me, anyways. Damn idiot, he ‘s.” 

Swallowing dryly, I meet his eyes and receive anything but that. The green is drowned in tears nearly, and I know that my blue is, too. 

“Reckon ‘m not much betta than him, afta all,” Harry confesses with a fight played in his eyes. 

“No, you’re nothing like him, Harry,” I coo, reaching out a hand to cradle his cheek, thumb swiping at tears. 

“Yer right, ‘m much worse than him fer how I treated you.” 

“What? Harry, no, you’re not. I know you’d never lay a hand on me,” I confess in a voice that cracks, breaths laden with unsaid words, and so many that I don’t know how to say. Nodding, his eyes leave mine and his arms prematurely do too, and I only feel worse. “Talk.” 

“What?” he whispers, quirking a brow at the floor. 

“Talk, Harry . . like you had wanted to . . to me,” I explain, my hand lingering on my knee, so close to his. Bravely, it finds the courage and reaches out towards him, finding the warmth soon after between his fingers. 

“‘ve rehearsed it so many bloody times in me head, but now, I actually get t’ talk t’ you and I can’t rememba,” he admits softly with shame painting his voice, and an out of place smile. “All I know . .  ‘s that I miss you and it scares me how much I can miss you sittin’ at a meetin’ with you across tha table. I miss you like you’ve gone . . but inna way, you have. I miss you in so many ways, walkin’ in tha door at home t’ you, findin’ you’d claimed me sofa again fer anotha day workin’ t’getha, or even that you’d be usin’ one o’ me favourite coffee mugs or jumpers. I miss those small things, and then, I even miss wakin’ up next t’ you, talkin’ t’ you ‘bout songs, ‘bout art, or gettin’ yer advice on a recipe or an argument inna case. ‘d missed you like mad befo’, but nuthin’ compares t’ this. Didn’t know I could miss somebody so much that ‘m always sore from it, that I ache when I see you and can’t touch you or talk t’ you. I lost it when I saw him kiss you, I went and vomited in tha car park befo’ goin’ home t’ cry in bed. Our bed. I wanted a drink and thought ‘bout it . . I even had one and I felt worse, knowin’ that it only made it mo’ likely ‘d never get ya back then. Thought seein’ that I.T. intern flirt with you in tha copier room hurt, but god, that was nuthin.’” 

“You try seeing that intern who dresses like a hooker be all over you,” I tut, refamiliarizing myself with the grooves and peaks on his rings. 

“Are ya quite finished?” he almost giggles and I nod with a fleeting smile. 

“It hurt not seein’ you reject him and then ‘course My’ had t’ guilt me ‘bout it, and -.” 

“Okay, that’s enough talking,” I announce inside of my head with a shake of it, my lips parting to utter the same declaration. But I’m interrupted almost immediately, and so is Harry by the whirring and movement of the lift starting up again. 

“Looks like tha power came back on or sumthin’,” he mumbles, standing to his feet as the lights flick back on. 

“Yeah, looks like,” I say under my breath, so many more ready to be spoken but they’re whisked away when the doors part on Seventeen and soon, we’re ambushed with concerned colleagues who mistake our tears for fear. Quickly, so much was forgotten, but what hurt was how easily we both did it too.

+

The notes of cinnamon and nutmeg cling to my tongue, accompanied by the sweetness of the last traces of whipped cream. With a sigh, I set down the mug and hear its emptiness fill my ears. I continue to dance my eyes across the page, soaking up the words that I try to drown myself in. The dinging of the bell atop the door interrupts the words echoing in my mind, as do the clap of footsteps entering the cafe amongst the soft Christmas music. Without fail, they attempt to weed their way into my heart, making me think that they’re his, but everything sounds like him and feels like him as of late. 

Pushing it away, I shake my head free of the nagging thoughts and start the sentence over. At the sound of a voice that steps into my mind, the words are forgotten, and no rereading them could ever bring them back to me. 

“Since when d’ya read ol’ granny romance books?” 

Tearing my eyes away from the imaginative words, I find the pair of green eyes that I’ve been avoiding and longing within all of the same breaths. 

“I see yer mug ‘s empty. Can I buy you anotha?” he murmurs with his charming smile that finds its old way back to me, and into my heart. Just like all of those times before. 

“I uh, was actually just leaving,” I mutter, the book already having closed when my hands left it in shock. Picking it up, I drape my purse over my shoulder and walk away from him. No matter if it doesn’t take the cake for how much it hurts to do so, the pain still stings in my mind and every inch of my limbs. 

“Becks, wait!” he calls after me, the clanging of the bell loud and obnoxious in my ears. The winter cold shocks my warmed skin when I step back into it. “I wanna talk t’ you ‘bout sumthin’, yer two week-.” 

“I don’t want to,” I retort, rounding a corner and searching for the familiar sight of my car parked on the street. I’m feeling cold rather than hot in finding it before his always gentle hands settle on my shoulders. He turns me around to face him, once again finding those piercing greens that root me to the spot. 

“I thought we could still be friends, Becks. Y-Yer me best friend, I can’t lose you as a friend too, bug. Please,” he pleas, but I’m spinning around before the last of his syllables grace my ears. 

My head shakes from side to side, willing my eyes to dry up and forget their recent best friend that drowns my sights in a haze. My lips sing with pain from my teeth sinking into them as my face collapses from the debilitating weight of misery. 

“I-I can’t. We can’t, you know that, Harry.” 

“Why not, Becks?” he begs, the cool feeling of his rings welcomed by my flushed skin. 

“I shouldn’t have to tell you when you know why,” I spit back, sure that three seconds ago he had already heard the tears in my voice. The multitudes of words shared between our lips over the last ten months has only led me to open myself to him further, and I still can’t figure out how to close my book from him reading. 

“I dunno what yer talkin’ ‘bout, Becks.” 

“It only took you a month, Harry?!” I exclaim, unsure of whether I’m making a statement or posing a question. 

“Care t’ clue me in what yer talkin’ ‘bout, ‘cuz I still dunno?” he replies with an exasperated sigh. I rip my wrist from his gentle grasp, the sooner the better because I knew another second longer and I’d let it live there. If I stand here another second longer, I may let myself float back to him. 

“You’re already over me and with somebody new after only a month, huh?” I respond curtly, turning around slowly to face him as the first hot tear cascades down my cheek. 

“Becks,” he sighs, the emotion carried in his voice spreading across his unshaven face. A whimper escapes my lips as the sob trembles throughout my chest, my lips returning to their permanent frown. My heart shudders at his expression and the confirmation I hear in it, making my head shake quickly from side to side. “I still dunno what yer talkin’ ‘bout, love. ‘m not datin’ anyone, y’know tha only person I wanna be with ‘s you. N’body else in tha entire world I wanna date and love fer tha rest o’ me life . . Where ‘s this comin’ from, bug?” 

“Wait, what?” I exhale, blinking away the tears that I’m afraid to believe hold lies and forgotten fears. 

“‘m not with anybody new, Becks. I dunno what people are sayin’, but ‘m not. You know tha only person I wanna be with ‘s you,” he repeats with emphasis, stepping forward and pulling my hands into his. “What’s goin’ on, bug?” 

“I don’t know,” I exhale shakily, leaning into his hand that cups my cheek, wiping away the wetness coating my skin. “People at the firm were saying they overheard you talking about some girl you were gonna ask out and were trying to win over.” 

“Oh that,” he snickers, the dimples hinting at his cheeks when I dare a look. No matter how hard I’d ever try, the high pitched song that flows from his lips could never stop being my favorite, and my ears welcome it with a familiar warmth. “That was ‘bout you, bug. I was bouncin’ ideas off o’ sumbody ‘bout takin’ you onn’a date. Well, it was actually havin’ you ova t’ mine fer dinna and watchin’ FRIENDS, jus’ like tha old times. Reckon Rore misheard and his big mouth spewed it t’ ev’rybody. That fookin’ git, I swear t’ God, he’s a bloody bastard sumtimes.” 

“Yeah, it was him, now that I think of it,” I admit quietly, peering down at our joined hands and our mingling rings, just like all of the times before. 

“‘m gonna fookin’ knock him out one o’ these times, I swear t’ it. He’s been such an arse lately, and he thinks I didn’t see it, but I did see him flirtin’ with you tha otha day.” 

“It’s fine, Harry.” 

“No, ‘s not, Becks. You put yer bloody two weeks in, and yer last day ‘s t’morro’,” Harry sighs heavily, bringing my eyes back to his at last, and ever so briefly. The purple gemstone ring that I bought him as a late Valentine’s present grows blurry before my eyes, and only worsens when I see that he never took it off. My wrist feels all the more bare without the multicolored purple gemstone bracelet he gifted me after my accident, and that’s sat on my nightstand at Skye’s for weeks now. 

I’m issing that coffee right about now with the state of my throat. Perhaps it would push down all of the words that I have been aching to say for days and weeks now. 

“Please stay, bug. Not even jus’ fo’ me, but I don’t wantcha t’ lose a good job. Yer doin’ so well and e’rybody at tha firm loves you, babe . . ���specially me. I know I fooked up real bad, but I promise it won’t happen again if ya gimme another chance-,” Harry begins in a plea, the same emotions that bubble inside of me echo within his voice. When I steal a glance at his olive green eyes, I find them swimming in tears, and that’s what pushes me to surround his lips with mine. 

His buttery soft curls feel like home between my fingers, and my rickety heart begins to slow at the smell of his sweet-peppery scent. Neither of those compare to the feeling of his lips upon mine for the first time in weeks, and the passion carried behind both of ours. Unspoken words, profuse apologies, and hundreds of ‘I miss you’s are left on the other’s lips. His nose leaves slippery marks against my cheek slick with tears, and I can taste them on his skin as well. 

Air trickles back into my burning lungs when I gasp for air below him, stealing whispery kisses from his sweet lips now and then. 

“Was that a random kiss or a ‘get back togetha’ kiss?” he rasps against my lips, finalizing his words with one last peck to my mouth. 

“A ‘get back together’ k-kiss,” I stutter with a soft titter, feeling it fill me with warmth at the sight of his dimples returning to his cheeks from their few week absence. “I missed you . . even r-right now,” I sob, the breath leaving my lungs when my chest collides with his after I dive into his arms. A surprised noise sputters from his mouth but his arms coming around me is instantaneous, and so is the comfort I feel in them. 

“Missed you mo’, bug,” he whispers into my hair, laying kisses on every inch of my head that he can find while I laugh at our inside joke. “Fook, ‘m so sorry fer how I treated ya and fer gettin’ drunk all o’ tha time ‘cuz o’ that stupid case. I meant what I said when I came back from me trip - I haven’t had a drop since that night we broke up, and I won’t fer as long as you want me t’. ‘ll do anythin’ ya want, we’ll do therapy or counselin’- jus’ want us t’ be okay, and fer you t’ let me love you ‘gain. There’s n’body else in this entire world that I wanna be spend me life with, or have babies with one day.” 

“Harry,” I chuckle against his neck, my forever favourite hiding place, whether happy or sad. “We’ve been back together for two seconds, chill on the baby talk.” 

“No, I mean it. I want ya t’ have me babies one day, nuthin’ eva changed ‘bout that, and nuthin’ eva will. Think I love ya mo’ now, Becks, so much mo’,” Harry sighs, and with his confession I can feel his body relax against mine. It’s quite contagious, really. 

“I reckon I still want you to be the father of mine . . teach them how to play footie, how to play guitar, and how to play a shit game of Scrabble.” 

“Hey now!” Harry exclaims, the words rumbling through his chest with his deep chuckle. When I pull away from him to peer into his glassy, green eyes, his lips quiet. The laugh disappears from them, but shouts of happiness and relief fill my eyes, and I think mine feel rather similar to his. “Bloody hell, if they’re as stubborn as you, we’re in fer some trouble.” 

“Like you’re any better,” I giggle, but it’s stolen away by his lips, and I couldn’t be more thankful. 

“This mean you’ll be me mentee ‘gain, and forget ‘bout that crazy talk o’ quittin’ tha firm?” he poses to me, dragging a few fingers through my hair, sending jolts of comfort through my limbs. “Please, Becks?” 

“Of course, Harry. There’s no other lawyer I’d want to learn from- don’t tell Rose that, because she’s been amazing, but she’s just not you. She’s not my favourite teacher or my best friend . . and I’ve really missed them,” I reveal softly, and sadly, the tears adorning my words. The both of them fall onto the pad of his thumb that nudges at my bottom lip affectionately. 

“‘ve missed me favourite lawyer as well, Becks. God, so fookin’ much. I can’t lose me best friend, not again,” he whimpers, the last word breaking under the weight of his tears that match mine. 

“And please, for the love of God, get rid of that intern before I do,” I groan, and a snicker springs from his angelic lips. “Because if I see her flirt with you one more fucking time, I will puke . . on her.” 

“Don’t worry, ‘ve been lookin’ fer a good reason t’ get rid o’ her, so this ‘s perfect, bug,” he coos happily, pulling me back into his arms where I’ve been craving to return for oh, so very long. “Hope y’know I still want ‘bout five kids.” 

“Shut up, Harry,” I titter, my arms tightening around his middle as I find the sweet spot in the crook of his neck. 

“Five babies, Becks, and all with you, honeybug. Li’l girls that look like you and li’l boys that look like me, all with yer gorgeous blue eyes. They’ll have tha best mum eva, they will,” my happy hum accompanies his, almost accentuates it as I toy with the cross sat at the junction of his throat and his shoulders. “Can’t say sorry enough, ‘m afraid, so ‘ll spend tha rest o’ me life sayin’ it t’ you. Promise you that.” 

“I’ll hold you to it,” I almost joke, and when I hear his songlike laugh, I at last let out the breath that I had been holding for far too long. 

[evolsinner]

⊱┊24

days go by, another one comes across. however, today is that day, and by ‘that day’ i mean, can we all please have a drumroll, it’s fucking parent~teacher interviews! aka an interrogation under the guise of pleasantries. i thought if i didn’t think about it, it’d just fucking disappear, but hey no, it’s still here.

but that’s okay, you see my parents don’t know a thing about it. i shredded all the notices they’ve sent us and made sure to cut the line every time my sneaky ass school called home. so when it came to my last class for the day, which is english lit obviously, i was quite happy that i didn’t have to stay behind like some students.

the class is empty, it’s almost 4 sharp.

“it’s only interviews,” i try to ease mr killian’s nerves. “just tell them what they wanna hear ~ easy peasy.”

“i wish, but it doesn’t work like that, luv. you know,” he looks up from his paper and removes his reading glasses to rub his weary eyes, “believe it or not, but we hate this day just as much as you kids do.”

“really?” i’m shooked. “thought you teachers just loved taking your sweet as revenge on students on this devilish day. it’s practically reverse halloween where the educators aren’t in costume for the first time, huh.”

mr killian places his pen behind his ear, entertained. “‘reverse halloween’, aye?” he leans back on his chair, arms folded and an ankle~on~knee. “you’re too funny.”

“‘funny’?” i walk over to him, admiring the tantalising dark circles underneath his scintillating eyes. “yeah? and what else?”

he possessively pulls me in between his legs, squeezing my booty in fistfuls. “and sexy and fierce and delicious.”

“do you want a bj?”

“oh, and very fucking naughty too!”

“what you gonna do about it?”

“gee, you’re tempting me.”

“mhm,” i bite my lip.

“you are in serious need of punishment, little girl,” he flicks an eyebrow up. “slide down your panties and lean over my desk.”

my eyes open wide, “no.”

“pardon?”

“i mean, there’s no space on y~y~your desk,” i glance at it. “there’s those booklets, essays, midterms, finals, your laptop...”

“i’ll make space.”

“uh, umm,” i step back.

“nuh~uh,” he pulls me in again so that i’m standing with my thighs directly opposite his thingy. “slide ‘em down right in front of me.”

“that’s too close,” i squeak, going red.

“what difference does it make? you a step back or not, i’ll still see it. c’mon,” he feathers a finger down my bare thigh, “you can’t still be shy? i’ve seen every part of you, every inch of you. the hills, the slopes, the blemishes... want me to go on?”

ok, imma prove him wrong. i undo the button and zipper on my shorts, exposing the bright red lacy panties i got just for him.

“you were hiding those from me?” he points to them, sounding offended.

slowly, i rub my hand over the skimpy fabric, sticking a finger behind the elastic.

“such a tease,” sir leans back. “congratulations, darling, you’ve earned yourself 5 more spanks.”

the thought of him spanking me…

“want me to go easy on you?” he asks, and i see rare mercy dancing around in his eyes.

i nod, prolly a goner if i were dumb enough to take my chances with this guy.

“then touch yourself, sweetheart,” the mercy evaporates from his eyes completely. he just went from a saint to a sinner in a millisecond. “mhm,” he nods to my hesitant expression, “slide your hand through your panties and touch yourself for me. if you don’t moan my name whilst finger~fucking your cunt, i’ll give you the belt.”

heck no, i don’t want to get spanked with a belt! that’ll hurt so much more!! i’ve seen it on 50sog!

“y~you w~want me to m~masturbate for you?”

“did i stutter?”

no, but i did.

shocked at how strangely turned on i’m feeling, i slide my fingertips under the double thin lines of the red covered elastic bands. tell me, why did i wear this again? i inch my fingers down further, my breath hitching up and pelvic muscles contracting.

sir slides his hand into his pants and gently strokes his cock, scarring me with imaginary ciggy burns from the way he’s staring at me doing me. “hurry it up, little one, time is of the essence.”

3 knocks on the door and it swings open with a, “hello?”

mr killian speedily sits up.

and i step back right away, pulling my hand out and tugging my shirt over the open zipper. “mum?”

“roséah,” she squints, “what on earth... dear lord, you have a lot of explaining to do!”

i refuse to blink. i think i’m having something like a heart attack. “w~what do you mean?”

“well, for starters,” she struts up to me, “you didn’t tell me that today was parent~teacher interview night.”

i exhale deeply, relief has never felt this good.

“mr killian, i presume?” mum says, holding her hand out.

i quickly fix myself up behind her.

“please,” he smiles, shaking her hand, “call me isaac.”

why the fuck would mum come here without informing me about it?!?

“apologies for not booking in a time slot and barging in like this. had i known,” mum gives me an irritated look, “i would have been more prepared.”

“it’s no worries, mrs blackburn,” sir tries to downplay it. “i reckon i can squeeze you in before my first interview. so please,” he motions to the two seats preplaced in front of the desk, “have a seat.”

“christella will do just fine,” and she takes no time in making herself comfortable.

i roll my eyes, so fucking annoyed and anxious at the same time.

“if you don’t mind my saying so,” sir gracefully says, “but now i know where your beautiful daughter gets her beautiful looks from.”

mum titters, tucking invisible strands of hair behind her ear and straightening out her pencil skirt.

tf.

sir glances at me and it’s so provocative in nature that i can’t look away, hence he does it for me. “do we have a common friend that can get both of us acquainted with one another?” he causally asks my mother with a chuckle.

aren’t they supposed to be talking about me?

“i don’t suppose so, isn’t that a shame?” mum smiles.

“‘shame’ would be an understatement, stella…can i call you stella?”

“you can call me whatever you want, isaac.”

“ahem!!” eww. ew. “mum,” i shake my head at her like ‘did you forget you have a husband?’, “you might wanna..”

“oh, yes, of course! silly me. so do tell, isaac? how has my daughter been doing?”

“well, to be candour, i’m rather impressed at how dedicated rosé is on learning.”

“hm, is that so?” she gives me a suspicious glance.

“indeed,” mr killian sends me a secret wink.

“does she slack off? because you’d tell me if she did, right?” mum asks.

“mum,” i grumble, she’s so embarrassing sometimes.

mr killian chuckles, “you’d be the first to know, stella. fortunately, that isn’t the case. rosé has quite the eye for accomplishing her goals.”

i’m getting lost in him again...

“gets all her work done on time, doesn’t send inappropriate text messages in class,” he proceeds professionally, kinda cocky, “nor does she ever has to stay back late.”

all of which i do the opposite of, i give him a guilty grin.

mum looks rather very taken aback, considering how i am at home. “seems like she’s quite the student?”

“you’d be surprised by what goes on in these walls.”

that not so hidden half~smile sir gives me pauses my mum in her tracks with her next question. i look at her sudden stiffness and notice how she’s surveying mr killian intently, her eyes narrowed into slits. oh crap.

“ahem!” i shift in my seat quickly.

sir coughs and swiftly brings in another topic.

mum gradually returns to her usual manner.

that was close.

when they finally say their farewells, i feel relieved as a fucking kite flying high up in a blue cloudless sky. mum did a few more interviews before she finally decided to go home. mr killian had given her false hope and high expectations, so it was funny when my other teachers informed her that my grades were declining from b’s and c’s to d’s and e’s.

oops, my bad.

-ˋˏ ༻🍷༺ ˎˊ-

it’s late, a major thunderstorm has hit and maxi being the scaredy~cat he is has crept into my room for the night. incoming call from isaac. i decline it. so he calls me again. and i decline it again. busy tryna shoot him a text which he keeps interrupting with phone calls.

daddy🔐 is my furry baby avoiding my calls?

tf he just called me??????

me im not avoiding ur calls jus ctrn cuz baby bro is sleeping in my bed thunder isnt his strong suit :/

daddy🔐 why am i jealous?

lol, seriously? i smile, rolling over to the edge of my bed.

daddy🔐 can’t stop thinking about you...

me jus stop its not dat hard

god, i suck at this.

daddy🔐 i really need to be fucking inside you right now!

uh, what the fuck do i text back?!

daddy🔐 would it be inappropriate of me to ask you what you are wearing since you’re with your kid brother?

haha.

me wow, ur quite the gentleman, arent ya ?

daddy🔐 i try my best.

feeling kinky, i silently remove my oversized graphic tee and take two pictures of myself. then i quickly pop my tee back on before curling up on the bed and hitting ‘send’.

daddy🔐 mmmm leopard panties and no bra, sexy. though i do wish you could move your arm out of the way so i could see my two girls?

no, my boobies are too small and i’m shy!

daddy🔐 such unspeakable things i could to your body right about now. would you like to know, baby?

i’m so tempted to text back ‘yes’, but that’d just get me too hot and bothered which is not a good idea when your lil brother is lying right next to you.

me behave (;

daddy🔐 how about we finish off what we started back in the classroom?

me we hv company rmbr ?

daddy🔐 right.

there’s a while with those 3 flashing dots before he texts back.

daddy🔐 considering we have an audience tonight, i’m willing to keep it pg. on the contrary, was nice talking to your mother today.

me were u flirting w her ?

daddy🔐 i don’t know. was i?

me u so were ! nd evry subtextual sentence u uttered !! she cud hv caught on yanno ?!

daddy🔐 that, i couldn’t help. the look on your face was hilarious. hers too.

i almost lol by just picturing my mum’s face, but i suppress it.

me jus bc u made me laugh dnt mean im not still mad !

daddy🔐 allow me to make it up to you?

me go on...

daddy🔐 there’s this soirée i’m holding with my crew for the long weekend. lakehouse, few beers, great view - thank kinda thing. i want you there.

me y do u want me der ? (;

daddy🔐 ‘cause i wanna fuck you hard on my mate’s couch whilst everyone else is out by the lake.

oh?

daddy🔐 and also because i want you to get to know my people more. (:

he used a smiley face! he never uses smiley faces!

me hmm, guess ill hv 2 think bout it

because i have to ask my mum first!!

daddy🔐 hope this helps?

he sends me a photo or two back, like it was a trade or something. but jesus christ, isaac killian! he was definitely not kidding about having me on his mind!

daddy🔐 don’t ponder too much. goodnight, love.

“rosé..?” maxi murmurs behind me, rolling around.

shit. i drop my phone in an instant and cringe for my luck. “yeah?”

“you’re taking all the blanket and i’m cold..”

“oh, right...” i exhale with relief, placing my phone on the bedside table. i turn around, shifting the blanket over him and putting my arms around him. phew.

i rest my eyes for a second when maxi is like, “what was that?”

“hm?” i smile as he snuggles between my arms.

“that big cucumber looking thing on your phone.”

i almost choke on my saliva. “t~t~that was...you’re dreaming, maxi. this is all nothing but a dream...” i add some whooo noise effect to make it more believable.

“no i am not!” he asserts.

“yes you are! now shut up or go back to your own room.”

thunder cracks intensely and he doesn’t say anything further. thank you, sweet jesus.

[masterofmunson]

scars

Billy Hargrove x Reader

Summary: Some scars heal, others don’t.

Warnings: nudity, death, PURE ANGST

Word Count: 2.1k+

AUTHOR’S NOTE: woohoo I’m finally post the fic I’ve been raving about. You’re going to hate me but I’m okay with that! Enjoy, tell me what you think! reposting bc the format was wonky 

Its been exactly six months since the Starcourt Mall incident. Its been six months since Heather’s death. Its been six months since Billy almost died. As a result, its been five months since you’ve last spoken to Billy.

You know that what happened to Heather wasn’t Billy’s fault. You know it deep inside your bones. He wasn’t in control. The Mindflayer was. He didn’t want to harm Heather. He cried and sobbed as he told you what he could remember. Harming Heather meant harming you and he had done enough of that already.

Billy broke up with you in order to keep you away from him. He knew that he couldn’t protect you from what the Mindflayer wanted if the two of you were together, so he did what everyone expected him to early on in your relationship. He broke your heart.

He called you names. He made you feel worthless. He threw all your insecurities and secrets you shared with him in your face. He took back the love he gave you and lied. He lied about not loving you. He spat that you were just a good fuck.

You didn’t understand why he was being so mean. It was completely out of left field. It was unexpected. Just a week earlier you had made plans to go to Chicago for a baseball game. Instead, you laid in bed crying over him.

Then the Mindflayer came back and it all made since. He did it to protect you even though he caused you pain. He wasn’t in control. He wasn’t responsible, but the pain he caused you, from the breakup and from Heather’s death was too much to bear.

You tried to look past it, to move on so you could be there for him through his recovery, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t look at him without picturing your best friend begging for her life. You couldn’t shake the feelings that lingered when he broke your heart. The night at the mall wouldn’t go away. Watching Billy almost die nearly killed you, despite all the pain he put you through, all in the name of love.

Watching him lay peacefully in his hospital gown as he rested and recouped from surgery made you feel happy, but bitter at the same time. You were grateful that he pulled through, but Heather was gone. Her life ripped away from her.

Your closest confidant, sins your Aunt Claudia and pesky cousin Dustin, was gone. She was there for you when your mom left and when your dad died. Now, no one was there for you to mourn for your best friend. The person you relied on. Your soul sister. It gave you all the more reason to leave Hawkins earlier than you intended for college. A place without Heather wasn’t somewhere you wanted to be.

Clearing out her house with her family was what pushed you to leave. Going through Heathers things with her cousins while her aunts and uncles went through the rest of the house and her parents things was too much. You left two weeks later.

Billy had a feeling you wanted to leave. You were distant and cold. It didn’t matter if you were there for him as he laid in bed resting and sleeping off the unimaginable pain. You and Max were the only ones that went out of your way to care for him. You helped walk him to the bathroom and bathe him. Your fingers combed through his hair as he sat quietly, watching you. You were always so laser focused when it came to helping him. Helping him get his clothes on, reapplying the bandages after a bath, driving him to appointments, you did everything possible to make him feel comfortable while he healed.

While you remained strong for him, you were broken on the inside. You cried every night, only sleeping when exhaustion took over. Heather plagued your nightmares. Her dead, contorted body startling you awake. Dustin and Aunt Claudia hadn’t seen you in such a state since your father’s death just three years prior.

You couldn’t tell Billy how you were feeling, although you had a feeling he already knew. You always looked so tired, so worn down. You were defeated.

You were walking on egg shells around Billy. The two of you never addressed if you were together again. You just started taking care of him because you always had. You knew his ticks and tricks and you were the only one he was gentle with.  

Yes, Billy apologized, a hundred times over with a number of explanations. You even kissed him before he lost consciousness after his battle with the Mindflayer. You kissed him again when he woke up from surgery, and that was that. You haven’t kissed since.

Billy would occasionally kiss along your body as you bathed or laid in bed with him. You would let him. It was a reminder of what you used to be. You missed it.

Things weren’t the same anymore. You were different. He was different. You needed to move forward in order to heal and Billy needed to let go. It didn’t matter if he needed your help. He was being selfish and he knew that. He had to let you go, even if it killed him.

He loved you. He told you every day. You had only returned it once since the battle at the mall, and you thought he was dying. Now, it seems harder and harder to nod your head and act like everything’s fine when it isn’t. Your best friend is gone. Dead. Six feet under.

Billy doesn’t say anything when you don’t say it back. You hum and he squeezes your hand, but now it’s not enough. Now Billy needs to help you. He needs to help you heal. He needs to let you go.

It happened the night you help clear out Heather’s house. You were emotionally and physically drained. Billy could tell you had been crying, and the last thing he wanted was for you to take care of him when he needed to take care of you.

He coaxed you into the bath tub with him. You were shy as you pulled off your clothes. You were in a ratty tank top and shorts, but the look Billy gave you was enough to get in the tub. He wanted to take care of you. He wanted to hold you one last time before letting you go.

Your body immediately relaxed in the warm water inside the tub. You’re hesitant to lay your back against his chest. His scars are still healing. You don’t want to hurt him. Instead, his arms wrap around your torso and your back finds his chest. You feel immediate relaxation.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” you whispered as Billy’s hands find yours and squeeze. “Your scars are still healing.”

“I’m fine,” Billy murmured in your ear. It sent a jolt through your spine. “You’re not hurting me.”

You sigh and relax against him. Silence falls between the two of you and his hands run up the lengths of your arms. You close your eyes, feeling the warm water envelope your skin. Billy’s hands caress and touch places you haven’t let him in so long. He’s gentle and soft and you sigh blissfully, briefly letting go of the pain and sorrow you feel when you’re with him.

His mouth finds your skin, kissing along your throat. You squeeze his hand tightly, letting out a soft gasp. He kisses your skin sweetly and softly and it makes you shiver. He rests his lips against the shell of your ear.

“It’s okay to let me go,” he whispered, hugging you tightly. Your skin goes cold and you tense in his embrace. You momentarily forget how to breathe.

“What?” you ask. Your voice is timid. You don’t trust yourself to speak. You swallow hard, carefully turning around in his lap to face him. Water spills over the tub on the bathroom floor.

Billy smiles at you. Tears find their way at the corners of his eyes. He gently caresses your face, brushing a strand of wet hair behind your ear. “It’s okay to let me go,” he repeats.

Your eyebrows pinch together in confusion. You don’t understand. “Billy, what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

He sighs. “I’ve been selfish. I never once thought how you might’ve been feeling taking care of me while mourning Heather. I know that even though I had no control, I still hurt you. I broke your heart. You’ve been helping me heal while I haven’t done the same for you. I’m just a reminder of what happened, of all the pain I’ve caused you. I need to help you heal.”

“Billy,” your voice broke, reaching to hold his face. Your fingers brush away hair from his face and your foreheads touch. Tears slide down your cheeks. “It’s not your fault. It’s not. You weren’t in control.”

“It doesn’t matter. I still blame myself. I swore to you I would never hurt you, and I did. I did three times. You have to move forward. I’m just dragging you down with me. You need to heal, and staying with me doesn’t help. As much as I want to be selfish and love you and tell you to stay, I can’t. It’s not fair to you.”

You wipe your nose with the back of your hand and throw your arms around his shoulders. Water splashes out of the tub. He grunts, resting his hands on your lower back.

“I love you,” you tell him firmly. Tears spill over your cheeks. “You have to know that. I love you. Things are just too hard right now.”

He nods, wiping away your tears. Your foreheads touch. “I know,” he replies quietly. Silence falls between the two of you and you climb out of the tub. Turning towards Billy, you help him out of the tub and you wrap towels around each other before Billy moves to the bedroom. He sits down on the mattress with the towel hung loosely around his waist. You grab the medical supplies from the counter and walk over to Billy’s side. He gently grabs your wrist. “I can do it,” he tells you.

“I know. I want to do it.”

Billy nods and watches you work. You gently dab at his chest, drying the area before placing a bandage over the stitches. You do the same for the others. It’s silent between the two of you as you take care of him. You throw the wrappers in the trash before your eyes meet his again. Your heart starts to race and you turn away to get dressed. Blood rushes through your ears as he calls your name. You turn and face him. He takes a step towards you and reaches to caress your face. You let him. You hold your breath.

His eyes meet yours and your can barely breathe. You lean against him and your mouth finds his. His lips move slowly against yours. He’s hesitant. He hasn’t kissed you in so long. His lips are soft against you as he tastes you one last time. You pull away, breathing heavy.

“Billy,” you whispered. “Kiss me. Please.”

He shivers and presses his mouth against yours. This time it’s firmer. His mouth devours yours. It sends shivers down your back and you gasp softly. Your hands find his wet curls and you tug gently. He groans against your lips.

Billy’s hands find your waist. His fingers tug at the bottom of your shirt. You pull away and gently rest a hand over his chest. You shake your head. “I can’t,” you pant. You blink away tears.

“Okay,” he nods, stepping away. He throws on a t-shirt and sweatpants. “At least let me walk you out.”

You nod and grab your keys and purse from his bedroom floor. You step out of his bedroom and head to the front door. Billy opens the door for you and walks you to your car. You turn to face him. You bite the inside of your cheek, fighting back tears. You throw your arms around him and hug him tightly. You kiss his cheek.

“Take care, alright?” you whimpered, meeting his teary eyed gaze. You wipe your nose and a tear falls.

“You too, Y/n.”

You nod, biting your cheek before opening the driver’s side door. Billy watches from the yard as you climb into your car. You shut the door as more tears fall down your face. Your hand trembles as you insert the key into the ignition. The engine roars to life and you back out of the drive way onto the street. Billy’s frame grows smaller and smaller as you drive further and further down the street.

You let out a sob as you turn right off Cherry for the last time.

You immediately feel relief. Guilt floods your insides, but you keep driving. You don’t look back.

[glassworkspiderlilies]

other side of paradise

Kyokou Suiri (In/Spectre) | Sakuragawa Kuro, Iwanaga Kotoko | AO3 Summary: In the span of a month, Sakuragawa Kuro has been dumped by his girlfriend, lost his job, and lost his home. Things can't get much worse from here, right? (In which Kuro joins the mafia, for better or worse.) Notes: Inspired by atutsie’s tweet! A rapidly written & loose mafia AU i wrote a few weeks back; loose bc i don’t have real knowledge about how organized crime truly works haha. 

.

.

.

Sakuragawa Kuro does not consider himself a particularly unlucky man. He has a place of his own, a steady job (if not a high paying one), and attends a fairly prestigious law school. He has a little savings, hardly ever gets sick, has a girlfriend of two years, and overall leads a very, very normal and uneventful life. He likes it that way. 

It changes, one day, when Saki breaks up with him. She wants to focus on her career, she says, and thinks that they would have probably been better off as friends, anyway. He looks bored, she tells him, when they go out, and even after two years she doesn't think she really knows or understands him. 

(Kuro startles a bit at those last words, so like his own during one of his last conversations with Rikka. Unfortunately, that means he knows exactly how Saki feels.)

He's not bored, Kuro insists, but Saki smiles a little sadly at him, and says that he's probably being genuine, but she can't bring herself to actually believe him. Kuro is quiet, after that, unable to fault her. He's not sure if he's telling the truth, himself. 

Saki shakes her head when he pulls out his wallet to pay for the two of them one last time and splits the bill with him when they leave the restaurant. They shake hands outside the door, and stare at each other for a moment longer. 

"I'd like to stay friends," she says, her voice almost wistful, "But I have a feeling that I might not see you again."

"That's ominous," Kuro says. She laughs, though it's a little strained. 

"Well, say hi if you see me, and I'll do the same," she responds. "Don't be a stranger, if you can help it."

He raises an eyebrow at the wording, but nods. Saki smiles faintly, leaves first, and Kuro watches her go, until her back is out of sight. 

.

Things go downhill, after that, like the universe has decided to cash in whatever misfortune it's been withholding. 

Kuro is suddenly out of a job, when the store he's been working at is irreparably damaged; the store owner promises him a job if he can rebuild, but with the investigation under way, the possibility of the money he can collect via insurance and using it to rebuild is extremely questionable. 

About two weeks later, as Kuro is still job hunting, the apartment complex he lives in sends a notice out to its residents that the building has been sold and everyone must move out within one month. The building manager is unreachable for the first week, and when he finally does pick up the phone, his voice is high and distressed and can only repeat it’s out of my hands, my apologies, there’s nothing I can do over and over. The whole thing sits oddly in Kuro's stomach. He doesn't think that he's specifically being targeted, despite this chain of consecutive severe downfalls, but he feels like there's something else at work here.

In any case. Kuro sits on a park bench, a flyer for another apartment complex in his hands, and stares at the yellowing grass. It’s late summer, and in the span of a month, he's been dumped by his girlfriend, lost his job, and lost his home. His savings will tide him over for a short while, but the lack of place to have and to move his things to weighs heavily on him. 

Kuro puts his head in his hands and breathes deep. He could probably sleep in the school library for a while if it comes down to it, but he still needs a long term solution. He's still young. He can figure this out. 

A breeze picks up and lifts the loose flyer out of Kuro's hands. He watches it fly away, hitting the ground before being carried a few more feet and hitting the ground again with loud, papery smacks.

Sakuragawa Kuro has a short term solution: to sleep in the school library once he's officially kicked out of his apartment. He has a second short term solution as well, the favorite of any college student his age when times are tough: get drunk.

Very drunk.

How much worse can things get, anyway?

.

Gunshots make everything exponentially worse, he decides, as he rests his head against a lamp post. He’s not entirely sure where he is—he’d wanted fresh air and wandered, but a brief glance around reveals that he’s on an empty street that he thinks leads up to a park. Wow, maybe he'll die here tonight, after everything that's happened. He's had too much to drink, but at least everything is numb, so he takes in the increasing noise around him with an incredible sense of calm. 

"Sir? Sir, I think you should evacuate the scene," a feminine voice says, and he peels himself away from the lamp post to see a young girl standing next to him, her left hand resting on a cane. 

She's wearing a frilly black dress with intricate white embroidery that stands out underneath the light. Kuro stares, and she shifts after his gaze has lingered a little too long, shooting him a suspicious look.

"Your dress," he manages thickly, as he meets her eyes. They are startlingly clear and a bright indigo, and his head pounds a harder. He winces as the increase in pressure, holding a hand up to his head.

"Oh my, you have a good eye for quality," the girl says, flouncing her skirt with pride. She blinks when he winces, then looks a little closer at him, and her eyes widen just a little. He's not sure what is happening, but the glare of the street light is also starting to hurt his head, so he walks a little ways away from it. The girl follows, her shoes and cane tapping on the concrete.

"Are you drunk?" she asks, her voice innocent and curious.

"A bit, yeah," he says, leaning against the stone wall this time. Dimly, he registers more gunshots, and he looks at the girl next to him, delayed panic setting in. There's a young girl here. "Wait—you—run, those are gunshots—"

"Yes, I've been trying to tell you to evacuate, but you seem to be incapable of doing so," she says, businesslike, perfectly at ease as she pulls out a cell phone and taps a message out. "It's your lucky night that I'm here, then." 

His lucky night, is it? It doesn't feel lucky at all. 

"Have a seat," the girl suggests, and he obeys, sinking onto the ground, even though he really should be running. He leans his head back against the wall, and the girl leans in a little and scrutinizes him a bit more. "You have very nice collarbones," she says suddenly, and he blinks at her.

"What?"

"Your collarbones. I like them," she repeats, slower this time. He looks down to the top couple buttons of his shirt undone. 

"Oh," he says, for lack of anything else to say. 

"A man should have nice collarbones," the girl says, decisively. 

"Okay," he says. 

"Anyway, what your name?" she asks.

"Sakuragawa Kuro," he says, and she hums. 

"Iwanaga Kotoko," she says, watching his face. He bobs his head in acknowledgement, and she smiles a little at this. 

"Iwanaga-san," Kuro begins, squinting at her. "Gunshots notwithstanding, isn't it dangerous for middle school girls to be out this late at night to begin with?"

"How rude!" Iwanaga says, her cheeks puffing up childishly. "I am twenty years old, thank you. I'm ashamed to say my face hasn't changed very much since middle school, but—! It has changed some, thank you very much! You could have at least said high school student!"

Kuro laughs, and she looks startled at the sound, and were he a little more sober he would notice the dusting of red across her face. 

"My bad," he says, still chuckling, "Then, a young lady like you shouldn't be out so late at night anyway."

"It matters not," she shrugs, taking a seat next to him and looking very dignified as she does so. "I'm not afraid."

It's not a matter of being afraid, he thinks, or says, he's not sure. At that moment, someone rounds the corner, spots them, and raises a gun—and drunk as he is, Kuro's body moves before his mind can catch up. He throws himself in front of the Iwanaga girl, her eyes widen, and he hears the crack of a gunshot before he blacks out.

.

"I rather like him in my lap," he hears a voice say, as a hand runs through his hair. "Up close, I really do like his face. Is this what they call love at first sight?"

"My lady, please...he's a civilian."

"Foolish and unnecessary as it was, he jumped in to save me. I think that merits something, don't you think? Bring him back with us. I'll have Sanshiro treat that bullet wound."

"...Yes, my lady."

He hears a laugh. 

"A lucky night for both of us, then," she says, and the darkness drags him back under.

.

When he wakes, his shoulder hurts, and there are two strange creatures in the room. They're probably dogs, one black and one white, but they're very long and leggy and certainly not a breed he's used to seeing. They look a little nervous, and they walk over and circle the bed he's lying on before sniffing him hesitantly. He tries to reach a hand out to pet one of them, but they shy away, blinking at him with their large, wary eyes. 

"Oh, you're awake," a voice says, and he looks over at the door to see the young girl from last night. He wracks his brain for her name, as the dogs trot over to her and circle around her. She pets both them before walking closer to his bed, and the dogs lie down by her feet. 

"Iwanaga-san," he says, voice hoarse.

"You remember my name," she says, pleased, then considers. "I suppose you would, if you got shot on my account."

It comes back to him then, the full events of their previous encounter, though the details of the conversation they shared are lost. 

"On your account?" he asks, putting one hand over his eyes. "Whoever they were...were they after you?"

"Yes and no," Iwanaga says, sitting on the side of his bed. "It would be more accurate to say that I was after them, and unfortunately things got messy. But they caused a mess on my turf in the first place, so I could say they were after me, as well."

"That's...confusing." 

"Well, you are a civilian."

A civilian, she says. He vaguely remembers a man’s voice pleading—my lady, please, he's a civilian—and suddenly he's not sure if he wants to ask what he was going to ask.  

He might have looked suddenly wary, because Iwanaga smiles at him, and leans a little closer.

"Kuro-san, do you need a job?" she says cheerfully, and he freezes. "I'd say it's a good deal, and it comes with a place to live, free of charge, with a full range of amenities, of course."

"That sounds too good to be true," he counters, after a brief pause, and she laughs.

"It's not an easy job," she says. "And there's some risk involved. But I think the benefits will outweigh it."

She leans over to whisper his anticipated pay in his ear, and he raises an eyebrow. It's a very calculated amount—high pay, but not outrageously so. He wouldn't have to worry about expenses, and could put a hefty amount into his savings, and could afford semi-frequent luxuries if he so chose. 

"What's the job?" he asks, narrowing his eyes, and Iwanaga continues to smile. 

"My right hand," she says. "It's safe enough, by my side. But again, there is some risk involved. And I'll need help when I need it."

This is the first risk, Kuro realizes, that his job doesn't have a specific description, nor specific hours.  

A minute passes, two. Kuro considers the recent events of the past month, and this sudden golden offer. 

"There is an alternative, too," Iwanaga says, her eyes gleaming. "But it's least two steps."

"And what," Kuro says, wearily, "Is that?"

"We could date," she says, batting her eyelashes, "As a preamble to getting married."

He chokes on his own saliva. 

"It was love at first sight," she continues hotly, unperturbed by his reaction, "Of course, we could do both—that is, you could take the job and date me, and I come with quite a lot of assets if we get married."

"I wouldn't agree to it just for...whatever fortune it is you have," Kuro manages to get out, between coughs. "And there has to be more than two steps involved in that."

"Well, that's silly," Iwanaga sniffs, ignoring the last part. "But I suppose that's sweet of you, too. In any case, it's not a bad deal, is it? You've recently broken up with your girlfriend, you're out of a job, and you'll be evicted in less than three weeks. You don't have any better options, here, Kuro-san."

He frowns at her.

"How, exactly, do you know all that?"

"I have my ways, which you can learn a bit of if you accept my offer," she says, continuing to smile. 

He comes to the realization, then, that the choice is—more illusory than it seems. He doesn't feel in danger, and he could probably walk out of here if he wanted to. But. But. She's used to getting what she wants, and so if he left, it wouldn’t be the last he would see of her. And he...well, she's right, he doesn't have any better options. There's not a real choice, here.

"I'll take the job," he says, exhausted. 

"Wonderful! And about my other proposition...?"

Oh, she was serious, Kuro thinks, with mild surprise. 

"For that I'll...have to think about it," he demurs, as best he can.

She pouts, but seems satisfied enough with the fact that he's taking the job offer. Iwanaga reaches out a hand, and it takes what little energy he has left to shake it. 

"That's well enough, then," Iwanaga smiles, and grips his hand firmly. "Welcome to the mafia, Sakuragawa Kuro-san."

He doesn't startle, merely lets out a deep sigh. It's odd, to hear it confirmed out loud, though he had an inkling that this was where he was headed towards. You look bored, he remembers Saki saying, and closes his eyes briefly. Now, he's just tired. 

"Waka, Momo, be nice to him, now," Iwanaga says, and the dogs lift their heads. They sniff at him again, and this time when he reaches out to pet them, they allow it, though they still look at him a bit warily. 

"Is it too late to ask," Kuro begins, as Iwanaga begins to walk away, the black dog, Waka, following her. Momo lingers behind, still curious, apparently, about Kuro. "Who you are, specifically?"

Her eyes widen, and then she laughs. 

"Well, no, I suppose," she says. "They call me the Heiress. My parents run the Iwanaga Group as the heads, but—I do, as well."

The Heiress, indeed. How literal.

"Wow," he says, flatly. 

"You could stand to be a little more impressed," she sniffs.

"Wow, amazing," Kuro says, with only marginally more feeling.

She pouts at him.  

"In any case, take this time to recover; I'll take care of your other affairs. I'll also have someone come to take measurements for your suits in a day or so, if you’re well enough to stand."

"Suits," Kuro echoes. "Right."

He's still kind of winded from what she said first, that she’d take care of his other affairs. Kuro doesn't have to do a thing, and all his problems are being solved in a heartbeat. 

"You needn't sound so excited," Iwanaga pouts, "Your daily life will be unimpeded for a while, and you'll be able to attend school fairly normally. It's more likely than not that I—and therefore you—will be warned in advance if we need to sortie. Just think of it like any other on-call job. In any case, I hope you aren't squeamish, Kuro-san."

He makes a noncommittal noise, and she smiles one more time before leaving the room, the two dogs trailing after her. 

It's only after that he realizes that even though he now knows who Iwanaga Kotoko is, he doesn't actually know what it is that she, specifically, does. 

He sighs again. Well. He had more or less already hit rock bottom—now, the only way from here is up, right?

.

(Some weeks later, he is formally introduced to the rest of the Family, walking into the dining hall in one of his new perfectly tailored black suits. He presumes this isn’t all of the Family, but an impressive number of them line the sides of the room, perfectly straight, their own suits just as crisp. Some are old, some are young, and there are men and women alike. The intensity of the stares unnerves him, but he keeps his eyes on Iwanaga, who is sitting at the head of the long table eating her breakfast with elegance. Waka and Momo pad over to circle him, and Waka returns immediately to Iwanaga's side while Momo escorts Kuro the rest of the way. He stops when Momo stops, a few feet away from Iwanaga, though the white dog leaves him after a moment to stand next to Waka. Kuro feels a rush of gratitude for the dog, who has instructed him more than anyone else so far. 

"Good morning," Iwanaga greets, wiping her mouth with a pristine white napkin. "You look very good in that suit."

"Thank you," Kuro says, and he supposes he's meant to say something more, because a few of the others shift, or give him a measuring look. 

Iwanaga doesn't seem to mind, either way.

"Everyone, this is Sakuragawa Kuro. He took a bullet for me a few weeks ago. Today, he starts his position as my right hand."

Silence, though Kuro isn't sure if it's shock or simply decorum. The looks he gets are—honestly, less hostile than he'd expected. He thinks he sees pity on several faces. He's not sure what that means. 

Iwanaga waves him over, and he crosses the remaining distance. He thinks he knows what he's meant to do, now, though he hasn't been given any particular instruction.

He kneels. Iwanaga blinks, surprised, but looks pleased. 

"Boss," he says, then pauses. "My lady." 

"Either will do," Iwanaga says, amused, holding out her hand. 

He takes it in his own and kisses the back of her hand. Iwanaga smiles, he stands, and moves just behind her, to her right. 

"You learn quick," she says, resuming her breakfast. "In any case, this whole…ceremony is only for this morning's formalities. It would be absurd to do this every day."

Kuro has to admit that he's relieved to hear that. 

Iwanaga finishes her meal relatively quickly, and she rises, using her cane to help her up. He supposes he'll learn the story behind that, soon enough. 

"So, what's today's agenda?" he asks, as he follows her out. 

"Nothing special for now, just familiarizing you. You're still basically a civilian at this point, after all."

Kuro has nothing to say to that. Iwanaga glances at him.

"To be honest, you're remarkably calm for someone who's just joined the mafia," she says. "Or is it simply because you don't know much about us?"

"If I'm just a regular civilian, what cause do I have to know about the details of the mafia?" he says, raising an eyebrow.

"Touché. In any case, if you're concerned, no one here will mess with you, unless you provoke them first. But I doubt you will, and I don't think me telling you this will go to your head, either."

So, he's under her protection, and it seems like it's worth quite a lot even if she is the heiress to the group, if she can say this so surely.

"That's quite the confident assumption for a random drunk college student you picked up off the street a few weeks ago," he points out. 

She giggles, a suspicious sort of hee hee that has him narrowing his eyes. But she says nothing else, and Kuro lets it go. He follows after her in silence as they tour the place and meet other employees; they all greet him politely enough, but their gazes linger, and again he’s not sure if he sees pity amidst the curiosity.  

"Are you bored?" Iwanaga asks when they take a break for lunch, not looking at him as their food is served. They eat together, this time.

"No," he says, watching Iwanaga cut into her food with beautifully precise moments. 

She looks up at him, tilts her head a little, and the corner of her lips quirk up.

"Oh?" she says, turning her attention back to her meal, evidently not expecting a response.

Oh, Kuro thinks to himself, as he turns to his own plate. This time, he might actually be telling the truth.)

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Do you have any advice for greek people in diaspora who want to de-assimilate? My family immigrated to america when my great grandparents came over, and im kinda struggling to reconnect with my heritage when everyone in my family likes to pretend it doesnt exist. I grew up speaking some greek but even my parents admitted they want to forget all their greek and its really heartbreaking to see

I am sorry your parents treat Greek culture like a secret in the family. :/ It breaks my heart as well. But I am actually amazed that some Greek has stayed in the family from the time of your great grandparents!

To begin, assimilating isn’t exactly bad. Many people through the centuries have moved to other countries and became citizens of the new place in every way. Sure, you leave your old customs behind but you get new ones and you become part of a new community. It’s a natural process, happening since the beginning of humanity. Of course, it comes down to personal choice. Your parents want to not stand out. You want to keep the best of the new culture and the old culture. 

I don’t want to assume things about you. Ι am saying this just in case you feel this way: please do not scorn the culture of the place where you live. Every culture is different and interesting, even if it seems mundane to you. The new culture is most likely the bigger part of you and it needs some care, too.

For example, I have spoken to many immigrants in the US and most of them dislike the US. At the same time, through our dicussions, they show me - and tell me - they couldn’t be less American. They had a very different upbringing than the people from their parents’ motherland. 

I think it would be best if you got comfortable with both sides of you, the Greek one and the assimilated one. If your children and your children’s children live away from Greece, they will get more and more assimilated. It’s impossible to de-assimilate completely and forever. As many other Greeks, I am planning to leave Greece in a very short time. It’s sad to think my traditions won’t continue to the next generations. But it’s a reality we must face - and we should probably try to be positive about it. 

That being said, it’s perfectly fine to have the desire to know more about your roots for whatever reason. So here is my advice to you:

1) You may want to read the history of Greece. All of it, not just from 300 BC to 100 AC as most foreigners do. Preferably, find works that have someone Greek as a writer or supervisor (because Greeks usually try to depict accurately what happened), or writers who truly feel Greece, like Richard Clogg. Our history and pain has shaped the way we look at the world and it’s a perspective you should be familiar with, since you are driving in! (Yes, more depression for everyone!)

2) Learn where your family comes from. Maybe by asking your grandparents or your parents you can learn the exact place/town or the geographical compartment of your family. Look for the specific dances and traditional costume of that area from YouTube videos or a Greek community in your area! See if the people there were great warriors, great merchants, great wine producers. See if there are any Greek heroes of the 1821 revolution coming from your place! 

That may need lots of Google searching but I think you will get somewhere. I am also availiable if you want me to give you more information about a specific place.

For every Greek tribe there is a tag on my blog, like #macedonia, #epirus, #thrace and more. I have tags for most of the towns, too! You can also search for the different Greek “tribes” (Pontiacs, Kappadokians, Thracians and so on) which are often named after the place they lived. Everyone falls into some of them and you probably come from one (or two) as well! 

3) Learn some more Greek. I suggest that because learning Greek means learning how Greeks think. I suppose you know the basics but how about the 20+ weird phrases we have to playfully say someone is gay, like “he flogs the dolphin”, “he shakes the pear tree” etc. What about the Greek phrases which stem from war and pirate raids and… hating the Turks?? How about the Mediterranean expressions like calling a mole “olive” or saying “I am in an open sea” when we feel lost, or saying “he pressed my oil out” when someone tires us?

Greekpod101 on YouTube will help you learn the basics and a little more! They also have a site. But basically going on Youtube and typing “learn Greek” will do the trick. For more weird or advanced stuff you can look at my tag #learn greek and #greek language.

4) Greek memes - Greek diaspora social media. They are surprisingly educational! @hooplagreeks on instagram is one of my fave meme profiles! Watch youtubers of Greek diaspora as “Greek in the City” or the Greek comedian Basile! On instagram you may want to follow @greekfestvictoria (videos of Greek dances and people, and photos of the community) and @newdiaspora (“a digital storytelling platform, focusing on the new generation of Greeks living abroad during the crisis in their homeland”) and @ greek_diaspora (some things for Greek culture).

On my tag #greek diaspora you may find more people like you! Some have asked me similar stuff so I may be repeating stuff in those posts as well.

5) Cook/eat Greek food. If your grandparents and mum know recipes, take them as if they are gold. It’s a great way to get familiar with the local Greek ingredients and the Greek palette. Heck, look for Greek recipes on the internet and cook them! If you don’t know where to start, my tag #greek cuisine may be helpful.

6) Read Greek classic literature (in Greek if you can, but you can also find works translated in English). Elitis, Sahtouris, Seferis, Venezis, Papadiamantis, Mirivilis, Delta, Empirikos, Zei, Kazantzakis are only a few of the literary gems Greeks have to offer. Enjoy good writing, the Greek perspective, and get to know the newer Greek society in a unique and authentic way. Here is a list with more of them (link).

7) Meet more Greeks! Through groups on insta or fb, through Tumblr blogs etc. Watch youtubers of Greek diaspora as “Greek in Town” or the comedian Basile! Maybe there is one Greek community near you area and you can pay a visit for festivals! (No day, Independence Day, 1st of March, Easter meal, Dance festivals etc). Don’t be shy to go there. From what I have seen, people from all backgrounds are welcome there. Plus, Greeks LOVE showing their culture so you are going to learn a lot of things from them. 

8) Be proud. I know it may sound kind of weird but I feel being proud is one key element of being Greek. In every anniversary wars we won, in our schools we sing prideful songs and hang posters with our war heroes, always standing proud. The students and the army parade in the streets the small children wearing traditional costumes (parade is kinda of a facist remnant - ew - but it shows that we want to instill pride even in our children. It has a few positive elements I guess :P). To sum up, be proud of a people who endured natural catastrophes, wars, genocide, famine, occupation, slaughters and slavery and can still stand!

9) Travel to Greece? I don’t know how affortable it is for you and how easy it is but I recommend it. Your tickets don’t need to be for summer. (Honestly, you may want to avoid summer. It’s too hot and too crowdy in tourist areas. Spring is our best season ;). You can come off season and just see the place and meet the people. See the species Grecus Hellenicus in its narutal habitat! Maybe you’ll make some new friends to discuss about Greek culture!

10) Search the tags on this blog. In #greek people you will see Greeks of every era, in  #vintage you will find old towns and traditional settings. In #paradosiaki foresia await some of the Greek traditional clothes. #greek language, #greek culture and #greek tradition, #greek festival, #greek music are self explanatory. 

I think that’s all I’ve got! Good luck in your journey and I am here if you need anything else :D You can dm me and ask stuff, anything you want! I would be happy to help you get in touch with your roots!

[peachesforjae]

Neocity in Vancouver

Hey so I wanted to write a little “the vibe I got and what actually went down” for each of the boys from the vancity show! No one asked for this but my extra ass wants to do it anyways so enjoy!! Also it’s a given but all of this could be false so please don’t come for me.

TAEIL

this mans vocals oooooof i mean we been knew but hearing it live ?????? 10/10 confirmed that this man really has been blessed by an angelic voice. probably the most stable voice i’ve ever heard live

his singing voice and talking voice are the same irl, same with visuals (there was this one part were he was trying to be sexy and lemme tell u that my heart started beating faster and i started s w e a t i n g)

he didn’t talk much during the ments (i really wished he did, even if it was in korean) and i personally felt like he didn’t get as much cheers as the other boys (NCTZENS YOU COWARDS HOW DARE YOU 😤)

would sell my soul to have a mini taeil in my pocket. i can tell that he has the sweetest heart and is the most humble guy, he would be the greatest husband ever u can’t fight me on it

JOHNNY

looking for the embodiment of the word flirt?? well look no further. he is really out here thinking our lives are a joke acting like your typical boy next door crush saying all the things that make your heart MELT

he is a tol boi (even tho i was sitting far away I could still tell that he is a giant) he probably was a sequoia tree in his past life or something idk but he is mr.tall and big

i haven’t seen anyone talk about this but his voice was a higher pitch irl,,,,,, like the videos will never catch it but it’s not as deep and omg his little lisp is QT. singing/rapping voice (sm give him more lines u hoes) was the same and his visuals were ever better

he did a body roll at one point and everyone LOST IT (i for real started crying) he is so handsome and ugh every time he came on screen/talked he got the loudest cheers (next to mark) he is such a genuine and heartwarming person i wish he could just be my friend that’s all i want in life

TAEYONG

no surprises with this amazing person he really is THAT beautiful HIS EYES AND SMILE AND FACE I DIED and is a rap god. it was a little surreal seeing him standing there talking cuz like is he even real ???? was he actually a hologram ????? WHO KNOWS MAN WHO KNOWS

he is one of the best performers ive ever laid my eyes on. the charisma and aura that he has stunned everybody and all i had to say was woooooow, he left me shooketh. sm really hit the jackpot with him. he is one of the pillars that nct stands on and im thankful for it

voice and rap voice were the same irl nothing surprising of course we already know that he’s talented but the crowd did love and cheer for him lots. he started the show strong and ended it strong (also let us see his shoulders thank you sir)

when he wasn’t performing he stood back more to let the other members shine and do their thing (ooooof what a leader) but I did wish that he talked a little more during the ments that’s all i could’ve asked for. he gave me a chill but nervous(?) vibe idk how to explain it

DOYOUNG

this man is GORGEOUS irl his eyes were so mesmerizing and sparkly,,,,,,,he had the cutest smile ever and the vibe he gave off to me was a little intimidating but definitely confident. he knows that he’s talented and isn’t afraid to show it

like taeil his voice was the same irl and he is a vocal powerhouse too. stable and clean. really blessed my ears and soul whenever his mouth opened. his falsetto is NOT to be messed with👀 im not saying that he is a male version of ariana but that’s exactly what I’m saying

he really interacted with the fans during the ments and he was so funny (at one point he said something and we missed it and he started laughing and then said it again so we could scream for him,,,,,,,,,,,his ego im- skskskskskshd)

most iconic thing he said was that he wanted to keep going and going and going and that he didn’t want to leave like BOI JUST STAY THEN i can buy you a house and you can just stay in Canada sksksksj i wouldnt mind if he was my neighbor

YUTA

my fellow scorpi(h)o(e) birthday buddy loml person *insert gif of me crying* he really has a resting bitch face (same here) BUT HAS THE SWEETEST HEART AND SMILE i was falling so hard and fast for him. he would probably be my best friend if i ever met him

he was honestly like a little kid,,,,had so much energy and was laughing and jumping and acting all crazy, he joked around with us so much. but then when he performed it was all ✖️🔪☠️✖️💀 and I was feeling like 527273 emotions at once i didn’t know what to do

his voice sounded a little different irl but singing voice was beautiful *cough* sm give him more lines or i will come for you *cough* and his dancing is off the charts you can really tell he puts so much effort in to be an amazing performer. i’d say hes the next best dancer next to taeyong/haechan/mark

yall this boy deadass wore a toque and said that he looked like a canadian university student and kept saying “didn’t you guys know???” with the cutest little expression ever im DEAD INSIDE and ugh he is so caring for the other members and went to mark so many times during the show

JAEHYUN

ok yall know he’s my bias and can I just say that i died, went to highway to heaven, and came back every time he did ANYTHING ????? like anything. im a whipped bitch phew. my deadly crush on him got even bigger after this - bc he really is just a 21 y/o hot dude that i would fall for irl if i met him on the streets skdhcgljsdfg 

singing voice ???? perfect. visuals ???? astonishing. hotel???? trivago. skskskks stop me. anyways lemme just say that this man goes HARD when he performs i was so concerned for him like pls chill a little. he kept milly rockin and pointing to the cameras and doing shoulder/body rolls and being a lil hoe (aka this was the best day of my life)

his smile is something to die for, there is a charm to it. also he is flirt no.2 after johnny. he knew EXACTLY what to say to get the attention and everyone gave him what he asked for. he kept on saying how he loved vancouver and had a crush on it. also called us HOT a few times😪

anytime he talked and came on screen he got loud cheers and he would soak it all in (meanwhile I was having a mental breakdown,,,,,the girl behind me kept looking at me every time like sis just let me die sheesh). he gives off chill but confident vibe - i would be terrified to approach him irl. really is a people pleaser and does things to earn him attention and love

JUNGWOO

babyboy.com ......... he really is the CUTEST member all I wanted to do was hold him and pat his lil head and tel him that everything was gonna be ok. he seemed really nervous but did an amazing job performing nonetheless but i do hope that he becomes more confident in himself when he’s on stage cuz he’d get more attention than he already does

they way he talks and acts is actually baby boy culture but i can tell that that’s just a mask to hide his true side, whatever that maybe, all i know is that we aint prepared for it. his eyes sparkled every time he talked and i know this is annoying but he really is snoopy. i won’t take it back.

like taeil, he didn’t talk much during the ments but still received lots of love and cheers when he did. i personally feel like he could be ncts secret weapon in some way but that is tbd. his vocals, voice, and visuals were the same irl he really couldn’t be anymore perfect.

he tried his best to talk in english and i want to thank him for it, IT WAS SO CUTEEEE. he started crying a little at one point when he was talking about touring and performing and my HEART BROKE like no bb come here I’ll just hug you and everything will be ok.

MARK

canadas boy. canadas treasure. canadas pride. canadas ass👀 and nctzens everything. he got the loudest cheers (obvi) and i swear every time he started to talk/rap/exist everyone would loose it and it made him flustered. he felt really touched by this show and im glad that we were able to make him feel like that 

he gives off that typical high school boy crush vibe. he’s really THAT awkward young adult that has it all and doesn’t know what to do with it (you’ve definitely met someone just like him) he seemed a little nervous for the show which was a given and was so clueless when we started chanting his name😂 jaehyun had to take his in-ear thingy out and his face when he realized what we were saying KILLED me

his voice is the same irl but i personally felt like his looks stood out more. he looks more mature (?) in person. his eyes also SPARKLED like he really holds galaxies in his eyes. his smile and laugh really brought joy to my heart. i just wanna thank his parents for creating such a beautiful human being. also cheek bones

he talked about his day in vancouver and started to go down memory lane and was taking about how his school was closed on the day sm was holding auditions and how it’s been a decade since he’s come back (SM LET HIM VISIT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) he also told us that he’s proud to be a canadian and that we’re lucky to live in such a beautiful place😭❤️ i- someone come hold me

HAECHAN

babyboy numero 2. he has the babiest face out of all of them but the SOFTEST voice legit sounds like an angel i assume. his hair and skin were flawless and people better stop wh*tewashing him LET HIS BEAUTY SHINE THROUGH PEOPLE

vocals sounded the same but the pitch of his talking voice is a little different. his smile got my heart racing and he has the cutest cheeks i wanna squishem so bad. he seemed a little shy and didn’t talk a lot during the ments. his stage presence really surprised me i legit started screaming “heee heee its haechan jackson” ksksksksks i hate myself

after they performed jet lag he straight up -no warning given- went “doesn’t it feel like we just went on a date?” LIKE BOI DO I LOOK- if you think I cried you’re absolutely right. he’s definitely johnnys son he’s LEARNING from the master of flirting. but he flirts in the most adorable way possible like how ????????

i would 12/10 die for him and also wouldn’t mind having a mini version of him around for emotional support and love. sm also hit the jackpot with haechan and i also feel like he’s another secret weapon in the group watch out yall i keep forgetting that he’s so young and that the best years are still ahead of him i can’t wait to see what the future has in store for such a talented person

Other Comments

i could really sense the exhaustion from the boys. they’ve been go go go from the beginning and i truly hope that they get a well deserved rest. nonetheless they put on a great show, hyped up the crowd, and made us fall in love with them even more. also they performed jet lag for us and lemme tell you that it was a B O P.  i wanna say that i died when jaehyun called out the fake fans bc they didn’t know the album release date i LOVE his savage and petty ass😘, this was my first ever kpop concert and im so blessed to have seen nct127, as Johnny said, i can’t wait to see what our journey together has in store for us. im so glad they enjoyed their time in Canada (they kept saying how beautiful it was and how they want to come back to more cities hekwishehsos catch ur girl dying over here). 

[ask-engie-n-spy]

I edit Smoke Gets in Your Eyes (and right the spicy bits) and I have a seeecret

Fool-Errant/NoCapes stalks this blog now but is too shy to say ‘hi’.

how dare the two of you make me seem like a cool person because you will not believe how long i have idolized their writing ever since i discovered it about a year ago, one crisp spring night in the depths of AO3, and ever since, i was hooked. I have gone many a sleepless night thinking about engie and spy. I have drawn scenes but scrapped them bc i didnt think the art was good enough to post (I don’t have them anymore, they’re traditional and lost to the depths of my sketchbook hoard). And honestly?

have i also mentioned how they are one of the two people directly responsible for getting me into this ship and starting this blog (the other person is my good pal who i rp with, they’re the one who convinced me of the platonic chemistry, fool-errant is the one who convinced me fully of the romantic chemistry)

have i also mentioned that i??? also really like the way you write too?? One day I wish to write spicy scenes as good as you but right now??? this boy is too cowardly to even write the word. you know. The Word. Well a lot of words but you get what I mean

have i also mentioned that one day I wish to be half as good at characterizing different character voices through effective use of localized vocabulary and diction to establish different tones and perspectives and how Spy and Engie could describe the exact same person using completely different language but still somehow capture that exact person in our eyes and how the person is, in reality, a combination of the different traits that Spy and Engie see them as (i’m talking about Evie) and that neither of them see her for who she truly is anD IM STILL WAITING TO MEET HER OFFICIALLY

have i also mentioned how i wish my engie interpretation was as on point as theirs

i have mentioned how many times i’ve reread the football scene but have i mentioned how many times i’ve reread the part where RED team got put in jail? And how the disguises spy takes on are so fully contained that I think?? one of the one shots genuinely fooled a user (yes I sometimes stalk the comments, don’t @ me, i sometimes get too in-character and start doing spy things irl), like full on fucking kudos, it’s genuinely hard to fool a reader in a fic from a third person limited perspective of a character, but what gave it away was the very very subtle use of specific words and grammatical choices that differentiated the character from the character that the character is disguised as and look. I am. Emotional. About. Smoke Eyes. I took AP English lit, I got a fucking five on that test, I can give you an entire five paragraph essay completely analyzing the extremely effective use of word choice and grammar to establish perspective, voice, and character and how the changes in word choice and grammar clearly and smoothly illustrate the development of these characters.

look basically i have so many good things to say about smoke eyes and fool-errant and i can talk for a really long time about how many times its made me laugh or put my phone down and put my face into my blankets to stop from yelling too loudly bc my inner fanboy started dying

I’m known to ramble so to summarize: 

[4jimin]

hello there!! its me guys… so !! here i am, doing what ive wanted to do for a long time. it’s new year, the first day of 2018, and i wanted to take the chance to say some things.

i’ve always struggled when it came to expressing myself and letting my inner self out in the open, bc i didn’t like feeling that exposed, but if there is a thing i’ve learnt with the passage of the years is that one of the most important things in the world – if not the most – is sharing love and showing people they’re appreciated and cared for. so i may strech myself a little bit too much, but please keep up with me, i have never been good at expressing myself shortly :(

2017 has been a tough year. for all of us, in different scales. some of us lost many important things, from people to motivation, or a reason. we lost jonghyun this year and no words can express how big of a loss this was. i almost lost my grandma, and only i know how much this triggered a fear in me. it doesn’t matter how much we say life is precious and worth living, sometimes we just can’t see an end to it. a path, a destination. from what i know, anyone i know could be gone tomorrow, or even today, and the heavy realization of this sank on me like never last year. that’s why i think it’s so important letting others sincerely know their impact in our lives, it doesn’t matter if you don’t impact their lives just as much. that’s not the point of it. i’m sure you impact other people in a way maybe they don’t impact you. and that’s okay. we’re humans. it doesn’t have to be mutual to be real and significant. because in the end of the day that’s what makes all of us important. the things we feel and how all of it connect us with other people. happiness, sadness, fear, love and all kinds of emotions – they should be shared. don’t be scared about it. i swear you’re important, and you matter, you just have to believe it. please, keep going, you’re such an unique, precious thing to this world, and it would be such a loss to not have you. i love you, i hope you all have a happy new year, and – most of all –, so many love in your hearts that it feels like swelling and like it doesn’t fit your body ♥

to the people that i feel like having the biggest connection with in here: you’re so important to me. really. i love you so much

@jihope hello there you. it’s me again lmao im here to say for a billion times over how much i love and adore you, and everything that you are. i love when you talk so excitedly about the things that you’re into, and how you’re so passionate that i can actually feel all the love through a goddamn screen lmao i love how thoughtful and caring you are of your family, i love your relationship with your mother. i love how it feels to me that you can fit anywhere, talk to anyone. i love how it doesn’t seem like you’re scared to live your life, doing whatever you want whenever you want. i love how you always reassure how much you love me it doesn’t matter how i can lack sometimes. honestly, i love you so much it’s insane. thank you for being my best friend, i love you.

@c-cygnus tbh i feel like i love so many things about you i could go on for hours. meariie you’re such a precious little thing. i know you’re like a month younger than me, but i feel like you’re my baby and that i need to protect you from everything. i love how you’re always so bright and cheerful, melting everyone’s heart in a beat of a second. i love how humble you are, no matter how much fucking talent there is inside of you, you act like it’s no big deal when it fascinates me and so many other people to the core. i love how you’re pure, it makes me feel like the world is good and that i could just hug it all in my arms. i love how you make me feel when we talk and literally explode declarations all over for each other. i’m so happy to have met you, thank you so much for being a part of my life, i love you.

@tanktoptiger keila, i feel like i’ve learned so many things from you. i know you’re always proud to hear that – and you should, because it’s amazing –, but you were one of the reasons why i started to feel more comfortable with my sexuality to actually start wondering and questioning some things that i felt. i can never thank you enough for that. i love how it doesn’t matter the situation or the environment, you’re not scared to let others people what you think and how you see the world. i felt jealous about it, because i’ve always lacked on this part of myself. consciously or not, i’ve always caught myself wondering if i should speak up, if it was worth the time and strength and if it’d make others hate me. now, i can see that these things are not really important and that i shouldn’t let it stop me from speaking for myself. i love this about you. i also love how funny you are sometimes without meaning to, and how sweet you can be no matter how tough you may try to look. i love you, please keep being who you are.

@blt-prf hello, i miss you :( and i couldn’t let you out of this, because truly sfjnd you’re an inspiration for me. i still remember when i sent you that first ask, absolutely dying out of embarrassment and rambling my way out, because you were one of my favorite authors and i had to let you know, but then you answered so sweetly and followed me and i was???? wow life is good. anyway, after actually getting to know a little bif of you, i only grew more fond of who you are, and now everytime you pop up in my notes or in my dash i feel like mush (im serious sdjkdjf) i love you so much, i hope you know that

@sheloveskook baby :-( tbh you’re like a ray of sunshine shining sososo bright everytime we talk, and i usually get ??? h o w can you be so sweet and so caring all the time, you actually overwhelm me in the best of ways and every time we talk i feel like i could curl on a bed like a baby with you singing me to sleep and?? idk if this is weird but this is sincerely how i feel. i wish i could give you all the good things in the world like, a day in jungkook’s arms?? id give you if i could. i hope this year is like immensely good for you, and that even if it brings you bad experiences it is only useful to help you grow and become an even more incredible person. i love you so much i wish i could lock you up in my heart, :(

@m0chimchim bree, angel. you were one of the first people i met here and honestly what a great way to start my experience with this blog. you went away a little after i joined here, but even though i had already grown so fond of you?? and i don’t know how you did it, but everytime i thought about you i was worried wondering if you were alright, happy and smiling. i still worry but seeing you in here rambling about your day at times and all, makes me feel so good i could just hug you the tightest. i hope life is treating you well, always. i love you

@strongjeon give it up for the most gorgeous woman w the best make up skills, a queen. listen. i dont know if im too easily entranced by people (which i dont think so), but im actually so??? mindblown bc we have actually just started properly talking it has two days but i already feel so attached and comfortable around you, like we could talk for hours straight (like we already been doing? wow amazing) you’re so funny and cute and pretty and talented and i just get!! why and how you and isis got to find me interesting enough to join you sfjfkdkd but!! i also wanted to let you know that you can reach me anytime you want if you ever need to talk and just vent okay? i don’t know if things are still hard, but if they are i’ll give my best on trying to make you laugh and happy. thank you for being so supportive, you have no idea how much this means to me :( i love you

@pkjjm hello you the duo part of my squad goals sdfjkf i know you’re probably not going to see this until you come back but im writing it to you nonetheless bc?? i have to let you know some things. i always watched you from afar and thought “wow isis is so cool she’s so funny i wish we would be friends” but i was too shy to properly approach you so i kept on w this inside of me for a long time sfjkdn and now that we’re actually talking i feel so regretful that i didn’t try to talk to you before bc you’re honestly amazing?? you make me laugh so hard and i love how spontaneous you are, your facial expressions are seriously the best, and i love how even though we had never actually talked before, just interacted here and there, you still made me feel so comfortable, like i was already part of that group just like cami did. thank you so much for hyping me up 100% of the time, know that if you ever need me for anything im here okay?? i love you

@1taesgf if it’s not the bae of my heart, the princess of my dreams ! my little angel, i hope this next year comes full of good memories to mark on you, full of smiles to gift you and most importantly full of immense love to fill your heart just like you deserve. i love you so much, i always get extra hyped when i see you in my dash, i seriously do sdfjkdsh i wish i could give you everything you wanted, like i bet if tae ever saw you he’d be so lovestruck it wouldn’t take him a minute to be head over heels for you!! you’re so sweet and such a beautiful person, i’m always here wishing you the best and hoping you have the biggest smile on your face!!

@parkjiminer my long term other half!! i know it may be weird to listen (read?) this but cathy i feel such a sense of fondness towards you, like that one you feel when your friend achieves something amazing and you’re just sosososo proud even though it didn’t happen directly to you yknow?? i think id be your mom friend if we saw each other daily and regularly lmao i still remember when i found out you got into uni and i was???? so happy seriously so happy even though me myself haven’t made it?? i truly love you a lot and i hope 2018 comes to help you create and make amazing things, just like yourself

@blossomins my sweetest pure angel :( honestly my heart actually hurts from how much i miss you. from the way you’d suddenly drop by my inbox with random ‘i love you’s and ‘i miss you’s or how you’d cutely ramble about something on your txt posts or how you’d suddenly post an amazing fic leaving everyone?? amazed. i absolutely love the way you express yourself, it’s so cute and genuine and i wish you’d see this. jo, you’re such an unique beautiful being and im honestly so happy i was blessed enough to get to meet you. thank you for being you? i love you

@ggukbun airaaaaa!! god you’re seriously so beautiful in and out. i absolutely love when you go off about jungkook, its like the sweetest and funniest thing in the world at the same time sdgjsmdhfk also i think you’re probably one of the most aesthetic people i’ve ever met and i think this is absolutely?? wow goals. i wish you to know that i think you’re absolutely incredible and also so sweet it actually makes my heart go all :((( i love you aira, i hope you have the best of the years and also is able to fulfill all of your wishes

@bangtanroyalty oh well :( my loveeee, i know i randomly drop by your inbox to send you messages like this all the time but?? you’re such an inspiration, i see such a kind and powerful woman in you, it’s amazing how you look like you could kick my ass while also kissing my forehead sdhjdnf i know you’ve already heard everything i’m going to tell you, but i just wanted to reassure how much i love you and how amazing i think you are. i love how you’re always so adorable with everyone around you and feels so down to earth to talk with. i love you and this year better bring you some damn great moments or else im going after him to !! beat his ugly ass

@chuulove shoutout to the ever so good-looking bee……..a goddess………listen i’ve always admired you from afar bc i always thought you were so cool and funny and when you actually followed me i was so sfhfkfj how did this happen lmao but seriously bee i absolutely love the way you talk and how you make text posts and them go “adjdkfdhd” in the tags laughing at yourself, i think it’s seriously the cutest thing :( i lov your sense of humour bc it’s actually a lot like mine, so every time you post smth im always prepared to go just like your tags and “sdjdknshdk” but anyway i hope you know i sincerely appreciate and love you a lot and i wish you nothing but happiness

@raplinesgf gio!!!!! if for some in here i feel like im their mom friend for you i feel like you could be my mom friend sdhkjdb seriously you’re so kind and caring, and i feel like you’re always worrying about the ones around you but at the same time you seem so centered and responsible i cant help but feel a sense of proud towards you sdhkfnd i love these little things about you, and how you just do whatever you want don’t matter what others will think, like that time when you changed your whole blog instead of creating a sideblog to dedicate to that group you worked with just bc you felt so much love for them sjsb that day i started admiring you so much more bc you made me feel free to do whatever i wanted to, even though it wasn’t oh such a big thing. anyway i feel like you’ve taught many things without ever meaning to and i’m so grateful for that, i love you

@jjeonguk kyra :( as one of the first people i met in here i feel like you introduced my experience here so well bc seriously you’re such a sweet and funny person to be around, it’s so amusing to see you interact with your followers and friends, i always end up laughing by myself with the messages they send you shdjdj and i also love to see you ramble on the dashboard about things in your life or that time when u were tipsy sjdjkf amazing lmao but !! i just wanted to let you know that even though i suck at conversations and all this you’re seriously so special to me i want you to be so happy like you never felt before!! thank you so much for existing, i love you

@muchbetterbts the one who always comes to freak out about jikook with me in the chat, could i be more grateful??? ju you’re so funny and cute, i love when you’re going off about the things you love, sometimes you remind of jin when he’s in a heated discourse about things with the maknae line in that way he does and it’s seriously the cutest thing in the world sdjdkjd thank you for always hitting me up to freak out with me, i love you a lot

@lesbianblossomjimin the ever so loving ash!! god you’re such a source of inspiration – from rocking looks to fighting your way through life, i?? admire you so much?? i know i already went off and started rambling on that video you posted but seriously, you’re such an amazing person. i feel so encouraged by you sometimes and i wish the world could be a better place for all of us, it seriously saddens me so much whenever i see you’re feeling down or frustrated at things for being the way they are it makes me feeling like kicking everyone responsible for this shitty world in the face. but i feel so much better when i see that sea of people loving you and sending you incredible messages like “yes!! send this much love but also much more” bc honestly you deserve all the love in the world :( i love you, i hope in the end of this year you can look happy and feel at ease at all the amazing things i know you’ll accomplish

@clairelions my baby chichi :( i cant believe i didn’t get to meet you before, you are so incredibly talented, with all your beautiful edits with bright colors and cute flowers, i always feel so good looking at them!! thank you for always sending me cheerful messages and supporting me with your sweet compliments, you always melt my heart and make turn into a blushing mess. i wish you all the good to go your way in this year and that you can always see beauty even in the ugly places. i love you, thank you for being this source of warmth always

for those whom i don’t have the courage to approach, to speak regularly or even interact, or that i interact just a little from time to time: know that i admire you from afar like an idiot and that i love you a lot

@dulcetjimin ♡ @jiminkirk ♡ @taehob ♡ @jungkookio ♡ @jeonjeongguke ♡ @jungkookjimins ♡ @vanillalattaes ♡ @cowjimin ♡ @prettymochi ♡ @bwisan ♡ @taesflower ♡ @jwimins ♡ @nochuu ♡ @busanbfs ♡ @safejimin ♡ @orayanno ♡ @jeonbia ♡ @velvethoseok ♡ @harunyany ♡ @je0n ♡ @cutiepiebts ♡ @bts420 ♡ @caughtinjimin ♡ @jikookdetails ♡ @jikook-love ♡ @parkejimins ♡ @astro-child ♡ @berry-happy-tokki ♡ @dyegu ♡ @heyhosam ♡ @kainks ♡ @mochismile ♡ @yxxn-g1 ♡ @chimhyung ♡ @ddochi-jimin ♡ @yourpinkpill ♡ @jiminshugs ♡ @jiminslattae ♡ @hobiini ♡ @jjksamor

and for the two of you, who are always so supportive of me and the absolute sweetest: thank you, i love you so much, and i hope there’s only happiness when you think about yourselves

@haileyjikai @jikookaddicted

i know that in the end of the day this is just a blog, and most of us will follow different paths along our lives and are very likely never going to meet in real life – but nonetheless, i feel like none of this matter, bc i feel like it’s such a gift to be able to share so many things and feelings with people from all around the world in a way they become part of your daily routine. even though we may go different ways one day, i feel like i can never forget you guys, bc you all leave always such a great impact on me. bts got to make me experience a lot of incredible things – and one of them was to know that there are such beautiful people like you all in the world. i love you 💘

[dontcallmecarrie]

Natasha's judgment is so off for a spy. Could we get insight as to how they're thinking? I know you wrote a chapter but maybe some backstory or such to explain why she dislikes Tony on principle? Why she's so quick to insult Maria and choose Steve? Is she caught up in the goodness and honestly Steve seems to project? Does her judgment on his decisions become biased bc she's used to reading ppl who mean harm not ppl who unintentionally/subconsciously harm? Does Steve make her feel like she's good

I’ll see what I can do to clarify this in-story, because odds are you’re not the only one who’s seeing it. Hopefully, though, at least some of my reasoning showed through.

Under the cut, because cue meta and you guys know how much I ramble when I get going:

There’s several factors to it all:

First and foremost, there’s the unreliable narrator thing to consider. 

JARVIS, for instance, hasn’t trusted her since before she stabbed Tony in the neck, back in IM2. 

Add to that how he died trying to protect Tony [and at least managed to give a bit of a warning, when the Penthouse Incident happened], coming back online [with all the trauma that entails, even if he doesn’t quite show it], to see Natasha doing absolutely nothing while Tony was a flick of the wrist from a snapped neck, and you get a budding Skynet who harbors absolutely no goodwill towards Natasha Romanov [and it shows through in his POV, even if it’s hopefully subtle].

Tony’s slightly more chill, but he’s known that Natasha doesn’t like him, and after the disaster that was his sole attempt to reach out towards Bruce, well…once bitten, twice shy. 

Then, during the Penthouse Incident, he’s 50% on the defensive while the other 50% is in shock because JARVIS died and only Maria Hill even cared. [That he was being attacked was secondary, at that point.] So when someone’s attacking the only one who gives a damn about JARVIS, Tony’s not exactly feeling very charitable towards the woman who introduced herself as Natalie Rushman. 

…also, anyone notice the codependence going on between Tony and JARVIS? There’s a reason I’ve been warning for it.

As for my take on Natasha’s perspective: I did my best, and hopefully my dislike didn’t show [much]. 

Thing is, TWiFFON is a spitefic at heart.

I started it in reaction to the turn the fandom took when it comes to Tony Stark especially after Civil War, so I’m not going to be exactly very friendly towards Natasha [or anyone on Team Cap for that matter, if you guys haven’t already noticed]. 

And that leads me to the next point.

Fun fact: I actually like Natasha, for the most part. Her characterization throughout the entirety of the MCU’s been through the wringer, fluctuating from movie to movie, though, and I took advantage of that when I outlined this fic.

See, Phase1-and-pre-AoU!Natasha’s got a good head on her shoulders. Her, I like: she’s badass and loyal to people rather than institutions and ruthless enough to do what’s necessary to keep her people safe [gee doesn’t that sound familiar]. She’s outwitted Loki [even if he was under the influence of the Scepter at the time], and survived the Red Room, for crying out loud! [If you’ve read my fic idea Welcome to the Family, you know that’s the one I had in mind at the time of writing.]

…however, that’s not the Natasha we’ve seen recently.

Phase2-especially-post-AoU!Natasha didn’t think to call the genius who’s company she infiltrated during a time they could’ve really used his expertise, didn’t see the problem in letting the fugitives she’d been helping chase go, and didn’t think twice about attacking the Crown Prince of a monarchy that just lost its King. I know it’s probably just bad writing in general [where the hell did the Bruce/Natasha thing even come from? Or the wanting a kid thing?! Canon or not, that’s just…nope], but still.

She unironically tried to go “I’m not the one who should watch my back”, in Civil War, despite having painted a target on anyone she ever worked with [yes I’m still salty about it], so it really should be no surprise that this is the Natasha I have in mind when writing TWiFFON. [Not very nice, but like I said, spitefic.]

So, that’s a good chunk on my approach to Natasha, right there. The rest involves her backstory.

I’ve yet to read a comic, but via tumblr and Phase 1, I got the feeling that the Red Room isn’t exactly very kind. [No comment on Phase 2′s interpretation bc I hate AoU with a passion rivaled only by Civil War.] As such, I can extrapolate from there that Natasha’s had some hardcore training, and to be fair, she’s very good at what she does, and her confidence in her skills is mostly justified.

However, she’s been born and raised as a living weapon, a child soldier and spy: that skillset is not exactly conductive towards being an analyst, or tactician.

Infiltrate consulates and take out hit squads singlehandedly? Sure. Reading people for the short term so she can use that to her advantage? Absolutely. But what she gets up to later on in the MCU is nowhere in her job description [coughcough*analysisinIM2*cough]. She can make a decent facsimile of it, sure, but she just isn’t qualified to diagnose people [though I have a headcanon for that scenario that explains why, but that’s something for another post].

But she can read people very well, and since it’s worked thus far, Natasha doesn’t think twice about it. Due to the life she’s had, she doesn’t look back, which I completely understand because if she had she might’ve drowned in regret because I get the feeling the Red Room’s upbringing was nothing less than cutthroat. Those two things get a special mention because of how she’s introduced to Tony.

Now, let me backtrack a little: I’ve done some meta before on how good Tony is at masks, enough so that he’s fooling everyone even as he’s dying. He grew up in front of the cameras, and learned how to work them from a master of the art [his mom, in my AUs].

So, when a spy rocks up expecting a show, Tony puts it on, and Natasha buys it. I don’t doubt she twisted some things to suit the analysis at the end, of course, but between his public image and his masks, Natasha ends up falling in the same trap everyone else does.

Anyone who gets close to him knows it’s bull, but since Tony in TWiFFON is more guarded than ever before, and he’s not about to let Natasha in now.

As for Steve Rogers…Tony’s image is a general “everyone knows” thing; it’s subtle and low-key “oh what’s he done now? Another Fashion Week Fiasco?” Kardashian-style sort of thing, which is part of why Natasha fell for it. Steve’s image, on the other hand, was blatant propaganda since the start and only became more so over time […I wonder what the Second Red Scare would’ve looked like, in the MCU now, ngl], so for Natasha, with her Red Room upbringing, it’s pretty damn easy for her to tell. 

From when she first meets Steve, and later on down the road, it’s a no-brainer to look past the propaganda and notice the lonely man who’s adrift in a world that’s moved on without him. And from there, it’s very [almost scarily, for someone who’s very guarded when it comes to personal stuff] easy to make friends. 

Steve sees Natasha where others see the Black Widow, which isn’t something many people do [Phil and Clint’re the exception, not the norm], though, so it makes sense that she warms up to him so quickly. Plus he’s a good man, and given the life she’s had, Natasha can fully appreciate just how few of them there are in the world.

And since we’ve already established that Natasha’s fiercely protective of the few people she likes, it makes sense she’s just as fierce to attack if the situation ever arises.

During the Penthouse Incident, Natasha’s immediate take-away of the situation was: Tony’d fucked up somehow and needed to own up to it, meanwhile Maria Hill was on his payroll, defending him when he was in the wrong, and had a gun pointed in the general direction of the people she liked more than the people she didn’t. Of course Natasha was going to yell at her for it! 

And it wasn’t like Thor was going to hurt Tony or anything, his hand was obviously positioned in a way that was meant to be nonlethal and if he’d really wanted to kill Tony his grip would’ve been different.

After the fact, once Ultron’s made clear just what he is, she’s mildly apologetic about it. But since she didn’t really like Tony anyway and Maria Hill seemed to have forgotten about it, well, it wasn’t like it was anything major anyway, right?

...meanwhile, Maria’s very good at hiding her grudge and venting whenever she’s at one of the SWORD meet-ups while the others are patting her on the back while continuing to plan Phase 3 and checking out rich protocols, but that’s a story for another day.

Also: bear in mind that Natasha, in my AUs, has the Red Room’s version of the serum, so she forgets that not everyone’s as durable as she is. [that’s the only explanation for why I see her being so chill during That One Scene because the alternative’s incoherent internal screaming]

[survivesalem]

Episode 3 - “This music video is kinda hot to be quite honest.” - Raffy

I think this may be the end of me. The worst possible thing has happened. We are tribe swapping....I'm the only member of my tribe over here.....its a 5-1-1......oof Can I get an F in chat? Here's to good luck and hope that there is fracture within the 5.

I am kind of glad to be swapped because it means that I am no longer stuck with a losing tribe. But, it seems no one knows how to edit which just sucks because that will surely mean we will lose the challenge. On the plus side, I have Mac and Jay with me. Our alliance will be stronger than ever! However, Mac let slip earlier that he knows a lot more people than he lets on which means I will allow him to choose the target if we go to tribal council as I don't need to accidentally target someone he's friends with. I feel that I can make stronger connections on my current tribe way more easily than with my old tribe.

Ben and Evelyn went. Inacts. Bye. Now it’s swap. I’m down the street when I see the “Announcement” pop up and I’m like AHH SHIT. I look at the tribes.....I wouldn’t say I’m in danger but the division is literally 3-3-1. Jessie as the swing vote. I need to work my ass off or flip to get myself safe. Oof I’m worried. Butttttt MUSIC VIDEO CHALLENGE TIMEEEEE. I was away when people discussed the songs, and it’s literally some random song I’ve never heard of. I’d love to bitch and complain but also not, so I’ll just sell this fucking performance xoxo

So we get tribe swapped and I’m the only og tituba still on the tribe . Gonna list my thoughts on my new tribe members Raft - seems okay we played a game in the past we’re he got out early . Picked the music video song seems to be a take charge personality . Jay : haven’t spoken much don’t vibe yet . Seems very silent Jessie: wow Jessie, it’s finally your challenge please snap or you’ll probably be yeeted off the tribe Lukas: haven’t spoken . Don’t think he’s gonna reach out first so it’s gonna have to be me . Keegan/Harley: played atomic didn’t work together we said we are gonna work together this time so hopefully it happens Mac/ Oak tree man: THIS IS THE MAN I SENT PICTURES OF TREES TO IN ATOMIC. He passes my vibe check . Brien: I’ve actually met him and he seems genuinely hyped that we get to play together . Don’t think he’s voting me off soon Rn my biggest concerns on the tribe are Jay and Lukas due to lack of communication. I’m sure they already have connections most people tend to . Anyways yeah I’m just hoping we win this music video challenge because honestly I love our tribes ideas. Spooky spooky witchy witchy

Despite being hesitant about editing, I think I am actually doing a pretty good job at this! This is probably going to be the best music video I've ever put together. Brien was talking to me earlier about how he thinks this tribe isn't going to be based on tribal lines. That the game would be more dynamic if we play without it. But, here's the thing, I don't believe that. I think we need to get rid of an original Good member since one of those people will come back if we go to tribal. Plus he wanted to get info out of me already on my old tribe like.... we're not that close bro. At least not yet.

My dumbass not submitting any confessionals before episode 3. Gotta love that INV1 rating! So, lots has happened. Gizmo and Cameron are sneaky sneaks who have been playing all sides and just being chaotic little shits. Our tribe had multiple alliances by like day 2, even before the first challenge results. Slow down there! We ended up coming in second in a challenge but since 2/3 tribes we’re going To tribal we still had to go. Eve was voted out 4-1-1 against Cameron and ME! How dare they?? I think it was Eve who voted me but whatever. And then we swapped into two tribes! And this is basically Nova Scotia 2.0. We’ve got me and Mac and Jessie! We’ll see if that goes anywhere if we lose a challenge. (This rounds is music videos 🤮) So anyways Brien, Lukas and I are sticking together for a bit based on OG tribes, and I’ll see if I can’t get Jessie or Jay (who I just voted out of Atomic oop) to work with us. But that leaves Mac and Raffy in the outs? Who I both enjoy a lot. So, we’ll see what happens. I don’t see myself being a target right away but you never know.

Well, I did not like this challenge at all. I'm a pretty shy person so this was really out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately I wasn't able to film a whole lot due to having to travel this weekend, but! I still at least got something in to show I tried. I may have figured a way to get myself into majority which I really need. I just hope we can get it all sorted out today.

This music video is kinda hot to be quite honest. I think we're going to win, unless they have some editing god on the other side. I would be so disappointed in myself if we lost cause I'm just an amateur. However, I believe that people have appreciated my efforts as editor, so I will most likely survive this round. I just need to protect Jay and Mac. I hope they have started being social with everyone. On this tribe, I want to work with Jessie because she's in the middle of the tribe line split. I have not told Jay or Mac this because I want to keep my cards as close to my chest as possible in the pre-merge. I do not even know if I even want to work with anyone in the long term. In any case, I am hoping to target either Lukas or Brien. I have talked to Lukas the least which is problematic, and Brien is always on game mode seemingly. He's been talking strategy despite not even going to tribal. That's a potential threat. However, I am going to let other people take the lead for this vote. I just want to focus on socially and strategically positioning myself with people that like me.

so uhhh....we’re doing my least favorite challenge. Music videos are the bane of my existence. I always end up editing and I refuse to do it now. Paolo is supposed to be our editor, but he has gone AWOL. I mean...I could offer to edit, but like.....why not let Paolo lose the challenge for us and then vote him out? Seems like an easy option to me. 🤷🏼‍♂️

The swap Tituba tribe are safe. HOT. Now. I’m super happy since this is the first time this season I’m immune. I can’t talk game with Liam and I hate this. But omg I need Alex safe. I also need Liam safe. Hopefully someone flops and they can leave. If my tribe lost, I’m pretty sure I would’ve had the numbers to send Keegan home. I make Brien seem like he’s in control of the vote while working with Jay and Raffy for a 4-3 vote or a 5-2 vote. That difference would be if Jessie was on my side or not.

we lost. i’m excited to start the game and go to tribal. idk what i plan to do yet, but I have ideas about who I want to work with.

Sad days. It's my first tribal of the season in the post tribe swap, and I'm not really sure where I've ended up on the tribe. I haven't spoken a word to Alex, and I voted Zach out in a prior game, so I don't know if he'll hold that against me. I like Austin, Gizmo, and Dylan, but we've never had a chance to talk game or work together yet. I'm also nervous that people will target me since I did such a bad job at editing compared to the other team, but who knows. It's gonna be a free for all on my end.

The other tribe, Osbourne, is going to tribal. In our tribe, it’s a 3-3-1 split. On the other tribe, it’s a 5-1-1 split. The 1 person also has the 5 from the other tribe, making all six. That’s worrying. If one of those 5 don’t go home then we may have to throw a challenge or two and make sure the 1 leaves. The only issue, that 1 is Jessie, and I really like them as a person. My new tribe has 3 OG Good; Keegan, Lukas, Brien, as well as 3 Osbourne; myself, Jay and Raffy. Brien is the outlier with Lukas and Keegan being close. Brien fed me useful info of Gizmo being new and close to Lukas and Keegan. On my personal hitlist; is Lukas, Keegan and Austin. I don’t trust those 3 out of the people left in the cast, even despite me and Austin never interacting yet. Austin is sweet but their style gameplay is a lil cutthroat. Pretty much what I’m saying is whoever goes from the opposing tribe is who I target in this tribe when we go to tribal. Either Jessie, or the Keegan/Lukas duo. Anyways, stream Sour Candy by Lady Gaga ft BLACKPINK.

Keegan definitely voted for Cameron bc he was scared of an idol I’m fairly certain of it but I understand why he did so I’m not mad at him and I think I trust him on this new tribe more then Lukas. But I fear they are a duo and I wanna talk to Jessie and tell her my fears so she knows she can trust me and maybe me her and Keegan can be a group. I wanna work with Jessie bc I know her pregame and met her irl but the only problem is her original tribe has not lost a member and if we don’t vote her out here then the other tribe might stick together and get Alex and Gizmo out before turning on eachother then we could have all of them at a merge which would not be ideal. So I gotta weigh if keeping Jessie as an ally is worth that happening. I had a good convo with Mac Idk where will stand on this new tribe but I wanna work with him bc I think he will always be perceived as more threatening then me. He even bought up the idea of a tengagers alliance with everyone in the game that has a tengaged which is me him Liam Alex and Cameron we will see if all of us are still around come merge time but I’m excited to maybe make that reality once we merge. We both kinda agreed Austin is shady. Keegan Mac and Jessie all just played atomic together which worries me that they will want to stick together on this tribe but I definitely want to work with Mac and I need to make sure he knows it. Atm the person I’m least closest to on my tribe is Jay so if we lose I’d want to try to make a move on him possibly. I wanna work with raffy but he sketches me out in our pms and isn’t willing to give me any info. I fear Keegan and Lukas are too close and I’m a 3rd wheel for them I wanna see if I can enlist macs help to take one of them out maybe Lukas because he talks to me less then Keegan does

I can't believe that I won a music video challenge with my editing skills. I am so proud of that video! I am going to take the time that we are immune to bond more with my tribe. I think I have gotten the best vibes from Keegan and Jessie. Brien is middling. Lukas and I don't really connect that well. I think I am still good with Jay and Mac, so there's no worry on that front. Now that I edited my tribe to victory, they will all probably like me and want to work with me a lot more. There's the benefit of volunteering as editor hehe.

So right now I would definitely consider Mac my number one ally and I wanna keep that lowkey so no one sees us as a duo he suggested throwing the next 2 challenges to get a mix of Jessie, Keegan and Lukas out which is interesting and throwing challenges rarely works but I love going to tribal so Im not gonna say no to it. Plus if it helps gizmo stay in the game on the other tribe longer that’s good. I really like him and want to see him make the merge and then maybe we can work together at the merge Mac really seems to think merge will be at 12 and I’m not too sold on that we could have a swap or not merge at 12 So the way this tribe is it’s me and mad together and he is playing Raffy and jay and I’m playing Lukas and Keegan and idk where Jessie figures into all this but I feel bad that she may have to go simply for numbers sake if one of her original tribe doesn’t go at this tribal. I’m trying my best to be social with everyone and I think I’m a good spot to not go if we go to 2 or even 3 tribals in this tribe that’s another reason I’m not opposed to throwing the challenges. I don’t see a reason jay would trust Keegan after he voted him out in atomic so we may be able to get a 5 person majority against Keegan and Lukas who I made sure Mac knew they were right. Or if we have to we can maybe get a unanimous vote against Jessie. Mac and I made all these grand plans to make the end game and have specific numbers come merge but things never work out the way you plan them so I need to have a plans b through z at the ready and I don’t wanna put all my eggs in the Mac train atm even though I think I convinced him to trust me and he can until I feel I can’t beat him or he is more loyal to someone else *cough cough* Liam they are both hosts together on tengaged I played their game so they are close but mac is certainly trying to downplay it I need Keegan and Lukas to trust me until it’s too late for them. Will I have some remorse going for my original tribe ehh not really in games if I see I better route or a better opportunity I’m gonna take it. I think I’m the real swing vote when we have to go to tribal especially if Keegan really thinks he can get Jessie on our side. So that puts me in an interesting spot a spot where I could be loyal to my OG tribe or I could make a move a change the direction of my game for the better. It’s weird bc I’ll have enemies after I make my choice but I need to make sure the allies I make won’t turn on me after I side with them. Idk the choice I’m gonna make yet I need to weigh out the pros and cons and decide accordingly but one thing is for sure I’ll be in charge at the next vote

Well, we lost the music video challenge. Can't say I'm surprised, we took forever to get it together. There isn't as much activity on this tribe as far as I can see at least. I really want to survive this tribal. I think I've gotten myself into a good position. I'm in a 4 person alliance which is majority, but who knows if they're being honest. I'm currently trying to get in with the three other tribe members. If i can position myself as the swing vote I think that would be good for me at least for this vote.

Flirting with Brien is fun. Maybe that'll bring us closer and he'll be my goat hehe. But who can never be sure

Jay brought up in the alliance chat what we are going to do if we have to go to tribal in the future. He's just trying to get out there who would be receptive of working with us (me, Mac, and him). Jay says that he's talked the most with Brien and Lukas. That is strange because I barely talk to Lukas. I probably should get on that. I said I talked the most with Brien and Jessie. I really want to sell them on Jessie so that we can make her work with us which will help us gain a majority on this tribe without stepping on tribal lines. Mac has yet to wake up, so I'm waiting to see what he thinks. It sounds like our alliance might want to work with Brien eventually, but we shall see. I am very hesitant to even mention working with anyone because I do not want to step on toes so early on. Maybe I should try to keep my mouth shut on game talk and work on being social for the time being.

Mac is spilling the hot tea today. He wants to throw the next immunity challenge to take out either Keegan or Lukas. I am in love with this idea as it puts the target on Mac instead of myself since he was the one who said it. I will just let people fight my battles for me until merge to avoid the big target. Apparently, Keegan is a past winner and Lukas is popular in the community. So, if we take them out now, then we can set ourselves up in a power position late down the line. I can see why Mac made POTS. He is definitely a strategic threat and has a very analytical mind. When I backstab him, I need to do it swiftly and effectively. I hoping that Jay follows through with the plan. I believe that we will target Keegan as he has not been the most active in the chats at all. This could make him the easy vote out. I want to include Jessie in on the plan in order to establish a strong connection with her. This is so when we do merge that she won't fall back to her old tribe and will fall back to us.

So uh........,,.,,.,.,..,shit hit the fan. Apparently Austin is targeting Dylan and I do yeehaw. I think Dylan and I are going to try and pull votes for austin.

When that chat was created between Alex, Austin, Gizmo & Myself I knew I had to expose it! AND THAT'S WHAT YA BOI DID! Austin is a rat and I've had shady vibes from him since the beginning and this just confirmed it. I told Dylan, Paolo & Zach what Austin said and some certain people were not that happy. I think it's either Austin or Paolo going but I'm still not 100% but if I managed to get numbers for Austin I'm so SHOOK

[knightedwriter]

All of them, for alderon and garrick pls pls pls

Putting this one under the cut cause uh. This gon be long. :D Alderon’s first, then Garrick. I know I’ve answered a couple of these for them already, so I’m just gonna copy pasta those.

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded?

There really isn’t a name meaning for Alderon, but in the world of my WIP it means “self-reliant”. He chose it deliberately. I chose it for the way it sounds.

Garrick means “spear king” which doesn’t fit him at all. I liked the way it sounded though so I went with it.

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness?

Alderon is insecure about his sexuality and sexual ability. No one would guess; he’s pretty confident in all other matters.

…except of course, in how the people he loves see him :)

Garrick feels insecure about his ability to do things on his own–ie he never thinks he’s living up to expectations and that he’s always failing in some way. It’s really easy to exploit this if you know him well. Strangers wouldn’t be able to pick up on it but he’s more open with the people he loves.

03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves?

Alderon likes his face–the sharp features make him seem immaculate and undefeatable, which is what he strives to be.

Garrick loves his scars. They prove to him that he has done something with his life and been successful.

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)

Alderon loves Garrick’s rugged good looks–his wild hair and scruffy face, combined with his mischievous golden eyes. He also loves Garrick’s teasing nature–seeing him lighthearted and comfortable enough to let down his guard is always a pleasure.

Garrick loves Alderon’s eyes–both when they’re brown, and when they’re red. He also loves Alderon’s gentleness; he loves softly, which is such a contrast to his rough personality.

05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type?

Alderon is so shy and inexperienced. When it comes to sex, he’s practically a nervous wreck.

Garrick, on the other hand, is super confident–definitely the type to have some strange kinks.

06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying?

He practically devours knowledge and will read all the time, to the point of not paying attention to his surroundings, which can be an annoyance.

Garrick’s would be taking care of/collecting animals because he just. Does that. Adopts random animals. And Alderon doesn’t like animals very much so this can be annoying.

07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)?

Alderon says “foolish” a lot. Like a lot, a lot.

Garrick, though this is not really a catchphrase so much as just plain sad, says “sorry” a lot.

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

Alderon’s stubborn. He picks something and sticks with it, despite doubts or fears that it may be wrong. He’s at least subconsciously aware of it. It’s why he thinks Keenan would probably hate him now–he chose a path a long time ago that Keenan tried to keep him from.

Garrick lacks confidence in himself. He always fears he’s failure, or that he can’t do anything right. He’s hyper aware of it, but that doesn’t mean he can make it stop.

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday?

Alderon likes the summer. Warm weather and growing things makes for good travel conditions. He doesn’t celebrate holidays, though his anniversary with Garrick comes about as close to a favorite as you can get.

Garrick likes fall for its pretty colors and cooler temperatures. He also likes winter for the snow. He celebrates holidays, though he doesn’t really get zealous about it or anything.

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine?

Masculine for Alderon. 

Probably more feminine for Garrick.

(though of course I don’t really like the implications of this question bc most of my characters are somewhere in between traditional masculine and feminine “roles” but w/e).

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage?

For Alderon, it would be if he lost control of a situation or if someone hurt the people he loves.

For Garrick, it would be someone insulting his family’s honor, or if someone hurt innocents purposefully.

12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up?

For Alderon that would be his ability to sign.

Garrick would never give up his mortality–it’s what makes him feel alive and free. After he meets Alderon, he’s made all the more aware that he wants to live the life he’s been given.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker?

Alderon doesn’t have to sleep as much as humans, so he tends to sleep every other day rather than every day. He’s a light sleeper and he’ll sleep talk. He doesn’t move very much in his sleep so he won’t push people onto the floor or take blankets. But he does have nightmares so.

Garrick is a light sleeper too, and definitely a blanket stealer. He’s likely to push Alderon onto the floor, though thankfully they’re often out sleeping on the ground. Very rarely, Garrick will sleep walk. With Alderon around, though, he doesn’t often get that far.

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates?

Alderon lives alone (until Garrick and the kids of course). When he does start living with his family, he loves it more than he expected to. There comes a time when he couldn’t live without them.

Garrick lived with his friend Serah before he decided to take a trip for himself. Not long after, he meets Alderon, and they then live together. Garrick loves his family, both the kids he adopts with Alderon, and his mom.

15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear.

Oh yes. Hunters are one group of people that will set Alderon’s teeth on edge and make him murderous. And then there’s one other person…

Garrick’s is his ex. And hunters become a big thing as well, though he doesn’t feel as strongly as Alderon.

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like?

Athletic for both. Alderon doesn’t really play games/sports (has too much of an advantage), but he’ll chase around Garrick if he’s feeling playful. Garrick used to play a lot of games/sports for training and with his knight buddies.

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children?

Not until Keenan for Alderon. And then…not until Garrick. He doesn’t really think about children until suddenly he’s ended up adopting a few, but marriage weighs on him after he realizes he would never want to leave Garrick’s side.

Garrick’s never really thought about marriage. He hasn’t had a steady enough relationship, for one, and for another, he lives in the moment more than in the future. Once Alderon comes into his life, he does eventually think about it seriously. He’s always secretly wanted to raise a kid, but like Alderon he never really seriously considers it until he suddenly ends up adopting a few.

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

For Alderon, it would be a place out in the forest, away from huge groups of people. Alderon’s pretty restless and likes to travel, but after a while he would love to settle with Garrick in a tiny cottage and spend the rest of Garrick’s life with him.

Garrick likes the city, but he also loves forests, so he’d love to settle with Alderon’s idea. He’d want a bigger place than what Alderon’s thinking, and maybe a bit closer to civilization, but they wouldn’t differ too much otherwise.

19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily?

Have you met Alderon? Good lord he’ll get into any fight, physical, verbal, or otherwise. He’s good at it too.

Garrick doesn’t go looking for fights, but if he gets into one you bet he’s good at it (physically). Verbally, he’d be pretty easy to sway, at least early on. His lack of confidence in himself keeps him from speaking well or strongly.

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures?

Not Alderon. Animals don’t usually like him so Alderon doesn’t like them. But he does have to budge on this when Garrick comes into his life since Garrick is such an animal lover. He tolerates cats, but keep mythical creatures far away from him (they out of anything have the power to hurt him).

Garrick loves animals. All of them (but he has a fondness for horses). You wouldn’t catch him without pets–whatever wanders into his life is immediately adopted. That would include mythological creatures, if they (and Alderon) would let him. He would love to adopt a unicorn.

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear?

Alderon fears Keenan’s rejection (and, later, Garrick’s) for the things he’s done. He also fears Garrick growing old without him.

Garrick fears that he never does anything right, or that he’ll never be able to do things for himself.

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have?

Alderon has a scar across his shoulder blades and down to his side. He would get ear piercings too, if he got the chance.

Garrick has scars all over his body, and a birthmark just under his ear. No piercings, but he does have a small tattoo on his shoulder blade.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved?

Well Alderon doesn’t go to school so xD But he’s a very astute learner so he’d do very well, especially with reading and learning languages.

Garrick is hyper focused in school, though also a little anxious in some situations. His “school” was knight training, and he was particular good with his long sword work, as well as his dagger work. He wasn’t necessarily well behaved, but he didn’t get himself in trouble a lot either.

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like?

Alderon would describe Garrick as courageous, determined, noble, true, intelligent, and caring almost to a fault.

Garrick would describe Alderon as gentle, but closed off to all but a few. He’d say Alderon’s intelligent, loving, and strong, but afraid to trust others.

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day?

Yep. Alderon’s turning was super traumatic, and so was Keenan’s death.

Garrick was raised by a single mother (not that she raised him badly, only that there’s pain surrounding his father) and he had an abusive ex. Both have shaped him greatly.

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc?

Garrick is very confident and playful, which scares Alderon at first. But he comes to love Garrick’s teasing and feels fully confident in giving himself over to Garrick’s whims.

Alderon is super awkward and nervous with sex. Garrick is way more sexual in nature, but he doesn’t push Alderon, and when they do have sex, he loves how sweet Alderon is about it. He’s very supportive of Alderon’s exploration of his own sexuality.

27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it?

Alderon would be arrested for murder. I mean. That’s a given.

Garrick would be arrested for defending/being with Alderon. Letting a vampire feed on you is a grave crime.

28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for?

Alderon would be famous for his knowledge of languages–he’s fluent in many of them.

Garrick would be famous for his sword work. He’s really skilled (way more than he gives himself credit for). Really, the only reason he’s not famous for it is because everyone compares him to his mother.

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one?

Alderon has trusted himself completely with Garrick.

Garrick has defended Alderon despite the ridicule and death threats he receives for it.

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like?

Alderon loves music and literature, as does Garrick.

31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what?

Yes, Alderon has and will kill. He doesn’t find any real joy in it; he does it out of “necessity” and is neutral about the act.

Garrick is capable of killing, and has killed as well. He dislikes it, but will do it if necessary.

32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do?

Alderon: A warm night cuddling together under the stars, after a day of wandering through the forest and/or exploring pretty, out-of-the-way places. Garrick would fall asleep on Alderon after singing together and Alderon would be happy enough just to hold him all night.

Garrick: A day exploring some ruins or a city, and then cuddling by a fire, warm drinks in hand and kisses to spare. If it started to snow that would be a plus: they’d bundle up together under some blankets and share some warmth.

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go?

Alderon takes walks, usually out in the woods.

Garrick would probably be the same, though he needs alone time only very rarely.

34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc)

Not Alderon, unless you count Garrick but Alderon doesn’t like to refer to him that way.

Garrick loves food and cooking and all that. Stew is his favorite food, but he’ll basically inhale anything.

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go?

Nope. He’s a super strong immortal, so death has never really been an issue (…for him…). He would choose to grow old and die with Garrick.

Garrick is afraid of death, at least at first. He wants to live his life thoroughly before he goes, though if he died saving people (ie in his line of work) he wouldn’t be too unhappy with that. Still, he’d like to grow old and die peacefully instead.

36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life?

Alderon is in perfect health, besides the scar on his back.

Garrick is also pretty healthy. He has a lot of scars all over his body, but none of them have seriously affected him.

37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them?

Alderon hates when people are cowardly, sycophantic, or otherwise foolish. It frustrates him when people are underhanded or think they can get the better of him.

Garrick gets really annoyed when people attack the people he loves, are close-minded, or intentionally hurt others.

38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc?

Alderon likes sunshine, though sometimes it pains him to see it.

Give Garrick snow any day. He loves the stuff.

39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct?

They might assume that Alderon’s not a person to cross. They would most definitely be right.

They would assume Garrick isn’t much of a fighter, despite his muscle (they would be dead wrong).

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others?

Hmmm, well Alderon enjoys physical touch (cuddling, hand holding, etc.), which is not something he would’ve admitted to before Garrick since it would definitely sully his image.

Garrick doesn’t really get guilty about anything he does, except for stuff that he thinks makes him weak or fall short in some way. Nothing specifically comes to mind, though.

41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way?

Blood family, no. Alderon hardly remembers them. But adopted family? Oh hell yes. He would die for them.

Garrick has his mom, who put high expectations on him from the very start. He loves her, but he’s constantly feeling like he fails her. His dad is someone he tries to avoid being like. And then of course he loves his adopted family very much.

42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change?

Ahahahahaha. Yes. Both of them.

43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self?

Alderon’s keeps up a pretty good facade around everyone, including Garrick when they first meet. He keeps up this dangerous, killer vibe that makes everyone fear him. Eventually, he completely opens up to Garrick, and he’s softer around the edges with his family (though I don’t think he ever fully lets his kids see the dark parts that he lets Garrick see).

Garrick keeps up a facade too, though he opens up…well, not easier, but he’s more willing (and desperate) to show his true self and get the support he needs. Alderon knows his true self (after a while) and so does his adopted family. Eventually, he opens up to his mom and friend Serah too.

44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character?

Alderon: Garrick aging while Alderon stays the same.

Garrick: Getting the people around him hurt because he failed.

45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve?

Hide for Alderon.

Garrick is kinda a mix. He’s not afraid to cry in front of others, but he has layers of emotions, and sometimes he doesn’t show the deepest layer, his true thoughts.

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover?

Alderon will kiss Garrick’s knuckles; it’s a bit of an unconscious habit. It usually happens when Garrick is talking animatedly or Alderon is overwhelmed by his beauty.

Garrick will come up behind Alderon if he’s doing something like cooking and wrap his arms around him + kiss the back of his neck before resting his head on Alderon’s shoulder.

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along?

Alderon is a leader, but a quiet one. By himself, he kept things in his control pretty well. Now, he often lets Garrick take the lead.

Garrick is v outgoing. It depends on the situation, but he’s often leading the charge. He’s much louder than Alderon.

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious?

Alderon’s jealousy is…odd. He wouldn’t really care if someone flirted with Garrick bc he knows that Garrick is true. But he doesn’t like when Garrick (and Keenan) insists on believing in other people and want to focus on saving people/teaching people that “monsters” are not so bad. It takes their focus away and puts it on things that Alderon doesn’t think can change.

Garrick doesn’t really get envious, except maybe if he perceives that others do well at everything they try. But even then, he doesn’t really succumb to those emotions.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?

For Alderon, it’s either Keenan’s death (less frequent) or Keenan showing hatred for him (frequent). In some of those dreams, Keenan is replaced with Garrick. He often gets more depressed on the days these nightmares occur–he’ll stay in bed later and find it hard to get up.

Garrick has nightmares about his ex (specifically about the stuff his ex said about him all being true). These are frequent. For a little while, he also had nightmares about what Alderon did to him, but those went away pretty quick. Garrick is so used to nightmares that they rarely affect his mood, though of course the fact that he dreams about it still means that there’s definitely something unresolved there.

50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say?

Ahahaha Alderon is….not so great with anything relationship-y. He’d probably either end up saying “I love you” in the middle of a fight or he would agonize about saying it for literal weeks until Garrick asked him what the hell was wrong. And mind you, as an immortal, he takes things REALLY slow. So he wouldn’t be saying this for a very long time.

Garrick would be the one to say it in a physically heated moment, probably with a compliment leading up to it (like “you’re amazing”). Though, with Alderon it’s a little different. He holds off because he senses Alderon’s nervousness. So he waits for Alderon to initiate in that case.

Thanks love! Sorry it took so long to do. If anyone wants to send me more prompts, you can do it for some of my other characters!

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0con 2019 thursday diary

Cosplayed: tsuka-sa suou, summer uniform, w my burger king crown n my leo sign. Breakfast: ramen. Snack: none, but i did bring a package of poptarts.

This is for future me, so i’d prefer if ya didnt read but i mean. w/e.

Okay so.. I had a crappy morning and I only slept for 2 hours BUT! Con tiiiime! I got there and arrived at the hetalia panel a few minutes late but that's okay, it wasn't by many. I remembered I asked sealand during truth or dare n he said dare n I asked him to reenact his favorite fortunate dance n he was like "oh I've been waiting for this" or smth and later, I asked him how his gamer youtube channel was doing n america was like “oh dude i was ur 5th subscriber!!” n sealand was like “subscribe to me plss” n america was like “dont forget to like n subscribe. n receive notifications.” n someone dared canada to b as loud as america n she yelled when they said “be as loud as you were when u lost to russia in hockey”. at another part, someone asked america if she would rather never eat fast food again or save sealand from falling into a volcano n she hugged sealand n said “my lil bro!”. someone dared america to speak in proper english and she was all “oh pip pip cheerio” and mocking england haha

at the end of the panel, a girl came up to me n she said she liked my costume n i was like “!! r u into ES??” and they said “almost” or like. kinda or smth but they took my picture n i felt so happy gjhns

OKAY then i tried to go to the adventure t!me sing-along n q+a panel but they only did truth or dare for a few minutes n im not big into AT anyway so i wasnt rly having fun then they decided to start the singalong when they got the wifi working via someone turning on their hotspot but i had a bad throat so i just left the panel and then had abt 4 hrs to walk around! aw jeez, right?

while on my walk i saw a riku n got their pic n i was like “male idols unite hell yea” n we talked for a bit n they were talkin abt a boy idol series they had heard abt called dank!ra n i mentioned i had also heard abt that! i also came across someone who said they liked my costume or knew who i was (someone in a red beret) n we were talking abt ES n i was like “best boys go” n they said shu and i think keito n i was like “chiaki n mika.. theyre baby” n they were like “ryuse!ta! n rabitz r the most baby in ES” n i was like “oh dude those r my fav units.....” at some point, i saw kuro again!! i saw them but was too shy then later they spotted me as i walked past them n went “tsukasa!!” n i turned around n i was like “erin!!!” n i hugged them n the beret person was there too bc they were their friend apparently and kuro said they were just gonna b kuro for thursday (they were cosplaying summer uniform!kuro like they did in a previous yr) n they just wore it cuz they were hot n went “summer uniform solidarity” (bc i was summer uniform!tsukasa) n we fist bumped and i was digging around my shirt pocket to show them my souma keychain n they were like “oh dude u reaching into ur pocket reminded me i need to get smth from my pocket. i hav Fangs” n they put on costume fangs! eventually they started looking at jojo figures at the stall we were next to n we eventually parted.

at some point, the person running the itabag booth (theyre an ES fan, i kno. their site has ens-tars itabags in the examples gallery n they cosplayed ES last yr) saw me n went “ousama!” bc of my sign n i went over n they were like “guess what ia ctually got to meet arashis va last week” n i was like “RLY??” n they were showing me their arashi itabag n they were like “yea i got to shake his hand n everything aaa. n during his talk/panel (?) i kept showing off my arashi stuff as if to say “I LOVE ARASHI” n i was like “arashi is best knights member.. ara-nee............”

at some point my crown fell off while i was on the escalator? i tried to go back for it but it was gone in the Minute it took me to ride te up escalator? i assumed someone took it to wear but kenyan said someone mightve thrown it away..

i went to metro night live n it wasnt all that funny?? idk what to talk abt from it. they did a “luigi being a gamer” video series n one of them was him playing hotl!ne miami (not knowing it was violent) n he was like “ive never been to florida but i guess this is a game to simulate it!” n it said “proloogue: the metro” n he was like “oh like the convention!” n when the mask selection came up he was like “oh look we can even cosplay!” n he went thru the door n saw one of the mafia members n went “look! a congoer! hello- oh” n accidentaly shoved one of the guys down n he was like “can i help you up-” but then the character (jacket) smashed the guys head in w the button press n luigi went “....o-oh. uh-” and some of the other games were fortnite n he played a violent game n he was like “THERE IS NO GOD HERE NOW” or w/e. they also had an “Edgelords anonymous” skit in which reaper was a new member of the group but it ended w ruby r0se describing brutal ways to kill people (while listing em cheerily) n the others being disturbed n alucard ending the session.

at 7 i had nothing so i walked around. then when 8 hit, i was gonna go to Whose Line Is It Anime but apparently its time had been changed to 7 pm?? the 8 in “8:00-9:00 pm” was scribbled out in sharpie on the schedule board in front of the room n it said 7 pm but now that i think abt it.. i think they meant 7-9 pm. ....shit. oh god damn it. anyway i got sad n left then since it was kinda empty/slow bc it was nighttime, i sat down on a wall thing to open up my sougo plush keychain n some guy next to me started talking to me abt my nails and we got ot talking n apparently he had wanted to go to the dealers room but didnt kno they closed @ 8 n he was here w friend n only had a single day pass bc he had work the other days (his name was spencer) so he was just lounging and i suggested he tell his friends what he wanted n they get it for him if they hav weekend passes n asked if he knew abt the game room n he said no so i invited him to go play smash w me so we went but couldnt figure out how things worked bc there were many consoles n screens w games, but mosst had no controllers but it turns out u borrow the contollers w ur con pass! kenyan was there running the controller borrower table. he said “psst” bc he saw me n i ws like “kenyan!!!” n hugged him n he was like “hows ur weekend going dear” n i said not that great but only bc it was thursday! also my throat hurt” n he was like “did u drink?” n i was like “well.. i have water but..” n he was like “drink juice. it’ll help. that’s what ur dad wwould say” (he woukdnt) anyway we got our controllrs and started playg smash n i went, in order: joker, robin, chrom, bayonetta, greninja n he was teaching me how to play w the gamecube controller (im used to a wiimote) n he beat me every time but i had fun!

after that i was GONNA go to the v-ld panel but i looked inside while walking by n there werent many ppl so i said “okay lets go to the BB panel then. take a look” so i went in there n there were a TON of ppl anyway it was kind of boring bc im not big on murder mysteries n stuff but apparently someone solved it by saying ciel slipped n fell, no one murdered him. then they did the raffle n i didnt win but thats okay! most ppl left after the raffle ended n q+a started n i couldnt hear many ppls’ questions anyway so i was bored n thought of goint to the vl-d panel but ended up not but w/e! oh! also everyone received candy at the beginning of the panel n i ahd a mystery lollipop n it turned out to b birthday cake flavor! id never had that before. it was Good.

after that i was just wandering around n i called dad to startdriving there but the ciel i asked for a picture of, them n their friends were gawking at my nails ns tuff n one of the teens’ dads was like “how do ya pick ur nose w it??” but after that, as i was wandering around, the gundam id sen earlier that day saw me n waved n i said oh hi n went over n they (it was them n an izuru) were like “wanna hang out w us for a while?” so i was like “oh. shoot. id luv too but im waiting for my dad to pick me up” n theyw ere like “it’s okay we can just hang out til then, then, if ya’d like” so i hung out w them n the gundam was talking abt how earlier, a mukuro complimented them on their outfit n they returned the compliment n went to leave n the mukuro was like “uumm arent u gonna hang out w me? we’re from the same series n all” n they were like “not w that f***in attitude” n i was like “did ya rly say that?” n they were like “yea. ppl dont expect me ta hav attitude” n we also talked abt piercings n how i said they seemed cool n goth (the gundam had a nose ring n the izuru had a piercing near their mouth) but how it must hurt n they said it just feels like a pinch. at some point i roled over my bag so my sougo wouldnt get dirty n the izuru saw my rei button n mentioned smth abt only findin one rei button at the idol table n i was like “UR INTO ES???” n they were like “i just kno undead n a few other characters. like [points @ my leo sign] i kno him” n i went “he’s dumbass supreme” n the gundam was talking abt getting the rythm game n i was like “jut read the stories on the wiki the game is boring imo” n the izuru backed me up by saying it wasnt a rhythm game n a lil while later, i showed them the 2 cool rei cgs n i was like “big sexe” n they agreed but the izuru had said theyd seen the croassroads one i showed em (the first of the 2) n the gundam said they wnted to cosplay bloody banquet rei (the other cg i showed em) n the izuru said they wanted to cosplay them All gjhnsm i showed them ryu-seitai too n showed them undead n gundam showed an interest in adonis! we also talked abt k!n stuff n all that! im not gonna go into detail on that (esp bc it’s so late rn as im typing!) but gundam was like “i dont trust junko k!n. like, evreyone else, yea, but junko? no. or like, any other character that’s just so irredeemably shitty”. oh they also talked abt this one messy, ugly, tangly junko wig they found for $300 which shouldnt have been that much n it was just a mess of tangles. anyway t’s getting late oh gosh. anyway they said they’d b on the lookout for me tomorrow so we can say hi again! 

random fun fact: SO many ppl complimented my nails today gjhnsm