#i’ve got that autism rizz

[lukas-broken-bow]

someone: what are you doing?

me, looking up from annotating a copy of the strange case of doctor jekyll and mister hyde in my second language: hot girl shit.

[willicebattlecatsblog]

I’d just like to say that you and your comics about Lionblaze have made me care for him and his character more than canon ever could dream to, thank you. I never actually gave him much thought before and saw him as annoying, but now I’ve seen the possible potential he could have as a character because the booms just screwed up his personality, and I love seeing your Lionblaze content. I especially love seeing him as a med cat and him getting closer with Leafpool

Your comment means so much to me,,, I am so happy I helped you appreciate the Lionblaze,,,,

Canon did him so dirty by wasting his potential making him ''standard warrior main character''

The canon will give pieces of his personality, but all these pieces are so incredibly under-exploited and incomplete

As an example, him having moral OCD in PoT is genuinely a really good idea knowing the extent of his power, but they just throw this plotline under the rug in the next book (knowing that it's very hard to get rid of OCD lol) Like we see him losing it in the mountains, we see him going ballistic on Crowfeather and Heathertail. Lionblaze knows how dangerous he can be if he isn't always holding back in battle, and it scares him so bad he has vivid nightmares about killing his loved ones. I think it's the first real time in Warriors we had a main character who had the full potential of becoming a villain the moment he stops holding back. Like that's genuinely really good storytelling, and they just??? throw it away in the next book like it never happened????

This dude kills Russetfur, which should have been his worst nightmare becoming reality. That's it, he finally killed someone. Because for just a few seconds, he got so worried about his leader being attacked and probably killed that he stopped holding back. And yet this is less of a plot point than the obviously accidental death of Flametail. Like Jayfeather tries to save a cat who is drowning and is called a murderer during a Gathering, but Lionblaze who kills Russetfur in front of at least 20 cats, that's fine he was just being silly. Like the writers were writing Lionblaze like crap on purpose at this point they had completely given up on him lmfao

We also see his compassionate and empathetic side shine a few times, mostly when he is the one who forgives Squilf and Leafpool the easiest and the fastest. Lionblaze idolizes Brambleclaw and shows a genuine affection for his dad several times and it's genuinely wholesome. Lionblaze has a few really sweet moments with Leafpool and Squilf in OotS :) i cherish these scenes so much.......

He isn't perfect of course, far from it, he can be a douche (mainly to Heathertail, Breezepelt and Dovewing), he is hot-headed and doesn't think before he speaks or acts, he struggles to communicate properly, he often has a weird tunnel-vision in OotS and doesn't listen to Dovepaw's problems with the care it deserves. For most of PoT, despite going through some tough training as an apprentice and later as a newly made warrior, he is almost completely oblivious to the fact that his own mentor Ashfur as a personal beef with him. As someone with the autism rizz, Lionblaze's communication skills are just so autistic to me. This dude has almost no friends, even his ex-apprentice Dovewing isn't on very friendly terms with him (understandable because he was a bad mentor tbh), he feels safe only around his close family, and messes up almost every friendship and relationship he has because he is incapable of communicating properly. Him trying to date Cinderheart was just Lionblaze being absolutely incapable of understanding her point of view, and then proceeding to literally self harm by letting a ShadowClan massacre him to show Cinderpelt he could be harmed on his own will ?? Like what goes on in the Lionblaze's head ?? is he ok ???

Also they could have made him a medicine cat.... I yearn for the Lionblaze medicine cat plotline so much...... Lionblaze being so incredibly scared of hurting anyone again after his nightmares, or after killing Russetfur, that he just drops all the warrior duties and hides in Leafpool's den all day...... also Jayfeather could have been a warrior 100%, we clearly see him fight very well when he is in tandem with one of his siblings, he is capable of running on ThunderClan territory with no issues once he learned the layout, like there's so excuse anymore StarClan just wanted to ruin his life for entertainment

anyway

They could have done do much more with the Lionblaze.......

[the0retically]

Who would’ve thought: I’ve got that autism rizz

[xx-thiccbitch-xx]

I’ve GOT to learn how to flirt.

My autism rizz can’t lead in every situation

[kejacomo-blog]

sometimes a pony gets depressed

I’ve been depressed for a while.  I mean. I guess I’ve always carried some kind of baggage with me. I’ve probably needed therapy for a long time, but I’ve never had a therapist.  I’ve been on anti-depressants, but it was a minuscule dose and I never really felt a perceptible difference. 

Each time the prescription was about to run out, I had to go to my pharmacy, and they had to fax my GP, who faxed them back? I think? Then I had to go back and pay a chunk of money, even after my student insurance covered 70% of it (iirc). On top of not perceiving any difference, going through these stilly hoops, and still paying a decent amount of money, my poor ass eventually just stopped taking the meds (self-inflicted poorness btw). 

I guess I thought that since I was graduating soon, I’d get a job in my field, things would fall into place, and I’d be ok. That... has not happened so far. 

And there’s not much to look forward to

.  I don’t have close friends 

(my fault for pushing ppl close to me away, not replying to messages, being socially awkward/introverted/anxious/shy however you want to slice it)

I don’t have money 

(my fault for being too lazy to get a job while in school and spending all my savings on rent, and misc. purchases) 

The dating scene is even more sparse than it was when I lived in the city 

(moved back home with the ‘rents to stop my wallet from bleeding and // it was the only way to get my ex to also move out of the studio apartment that we shared for 9 months post-break up. yup. also no rizz/no $ isn’t good for dating)

I don’t feel completely supported at home 

Maybe this will sound like my blaming others for part of my depression. but whatever. idc, it’s what I feel. About a year ago I realized that I am likely on the autism spectrum. I brought it up one day to my mom and we had a discussion on why I thought this way and some of my behaviours as a child. Even talked about that time in 4th grade when me and some of my peers were separated from our regular class to do some learning assessments or sth. Some were diagnosed with learning disabilities while the assessors noticed some peculiarities in me but nothing ever came of it. good masking, I guess. Anyway, that conversation was great, but since then neither of us has ever mentioned it again. Similar story with my depression. A few years ago, it eventually got to a point where it had to be addressed, and I had some conversations with her about it. It was easy to see it was hard on her. Maybe I should give her more slack. I can tell she tries in her own way to cheer me up. But it’s hard when the last conversation that we had about my depression ended with her reassuring me that she would check in every few days with me. And that conversation was... 1.5 years ago? 2? I guess she did check in with me about it a few weeks ago. But I was already too closed off by then. My brother is open to conversation but our worldviews are a bit different and historically I haven’t felt supported by him in the ways I would like to be supported. Always very solution-based with solutions that I do not vibe with, for that matter. My dad is very kind, but not very ‘emotionally available’, as they say. My sister is great for the support I require, but even she has a lot that she’s dealing with and I don’t want to push all my baggage onto her. So after cycling through all of that, it comes back to me having to get myself out of this hole somehow.

I don’t even know what happened to this formatting.

Just trying to get through the day doing different things because I am not finding joy in my usual things which is a bit concerning. I am reading a little more, though, which is good. And trying to get away from doomscrolling. 

Well. Maybe I feel a little better. Idk.

What else...

idk just being a poor, undiagnosed neurodivergent adult with no close frens just isn’t it. bleh.

At least I have things that I want to do in life still, food, a home, a family, etc. Could always be worse...