#i’ve actually done more since i took this picture at 1:30pm but i didn’t feel like getting up to take an updated one rn (it is 5:15pm)

[bettermcn]

frog hat update 🐸

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

Walking on a Dream

The 2 days at home before surgery flew past. I said goodbye to my kids the night before we left knowing that the next time I would see them, I would be two weeks post-op and would look very, very different. They were no different to usual. My son grasped it a bit better, but their attention span and emotions weren’t in line with what was a pretty big deal!

The morning before surgery ended up being my first, and last CrossFit class since before Christmas. We had booked to go to CrossFit Green near the hospital and it was always my plan that I would do a final class in Dublin before surgery. I had just hoped that I’d also make it to some in my own gym before. It turned out to be the first (and last I hope) workout that I seriously considered quitting. I was so deconditioned from being out of the gym for a month and still not 100%. My heart rate skyrocketed pretty quickly. I knew I would never reach the numbers on the board. At the end, I didn’t actually do as badly as I thought given all the factors, but if I hadn’t been getting surgery, I would have been seriously pissed off at myself for even of thinking of quitting.

Later that day, was my marking appointment. That appointment had been in my head since my surgery was booked - maybe then it would all seem real, because that appointment would mean it was really happening. What I didn’t anticipate, were the nerves. It was like Éilís read my mind when I went in - “a lot of patients feel nervous for this appointment but leave feeling much better,” which was exactly what happened.

I signed the consent form to confirm I wanted to go ahead with the surgery. There was a section to say I understood there were alternatives to surgery. We both had a good laugh at that: “I think I’ve exhausted all of those 😂”

I took the final pictures of my diastasis that night. I didn’t sleep terribly, but I wouldn’t say I slept well. I was fasting from 4am (I set an alarm and took a protein bar just before) and no liquid after 8am.

I walked the 15 minutes to the hospital with Alex. He already knew - I wanted to carry my hospital bag as it would be the last time I was carrying anything for a while. I’m stubborn, but I had my reasons - I don’t like asking for help and if I can do it myself I will do. I was admitted at 10am. We went to a small waiting room until I was called. We waited only 15 minutes before they told me that this was it and we had to say our goodbyes then. That felt so strange, but I wasn’t at all nervous. Poor Alex looked a bit lost, but I felt pretty calm and definitely felt ready.

I was taken to a bay to get changed into a robe, compression socks and to give a urine sample. I was there just minutes, before a doctor started taking my medical history. I didn’t even have a chance to get changed once he left, as the next thing two nurses came to get my urine sample, take a blood sample and insert a cannula for my IV. Everything felt like it was happening at breakneck speed. I literally had questions about practically everything in my medical history being fired at me, as someone else took blood at the same time.

By the time that was done, I noticed everyone in the waiting area were being taken at different points and leaving the area we were in. What I didn’t realise was they were being taken along more or less for surgery. I don’t know what I expected, but I somehow thought I was going to be taken to another room to wait. I didn’t think the next part would be the holding area right next to the operating theatre!

I had absolutely no concept of time, but the last time I checked my phone it was 11:29 and at that point I was called. I knew my surgery had been scheduled for 1:30pm and I knew that meant nothing as such, but I had in my head I had ages to wait. When I was told this was the point I would be leaving all my stuff and this was it, I was pretty shocked. I was led to the holding area where they drew the curtain around me in a room full of patients waiting for surgery, just like I was. The only difference was, surely I had a while yet to wait?

The nurse came in to go through a final few things. She asked me had I been waiting long for surgery. In terms of that morning: no 😂 in terms of everything else: it felt like it. She patted my leg and told me it wouldn’t be much longer. I don’t know how I managed to stop myself asking, ‘how is this possible because everything seems to be happening so fast’ 🙈 I have absolutely no idea how long I was sitting there before Éilís came over. I was aware I could see lots of pairs feet under the curtain that were moving about and no doubt leaving for surgery. I could hear surgeons and anaesthesiologists alike speaking to patients and leading them away. Probably the thing that set me off was hearing someone at the desk in the room say something about, ‘Éilís Fitzgerald’s patient.’ It wasn’t me they were speaking about, but my heart rate hit the roof and I realised I had to chill the hell out if I was going to be sitting there, especially if it was going to be for some time yet. I tried to just close my eyes and take deep breaths to calm down. I think I actually even drifted off for a few minutes I was so successful 🤣

When Éilís came in, I honestly felt like it was a dream. Apart from the fact when I had dreamt about that moment in the months previously, it usually ended with me being told it wasn’t happening and I had to go away and put more work in 🙈 Thankfully, this was real this time and there was no going back. We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me if I had any last minute questions, but the answer was no. I don’t know why I felt so calm at that point. It’s hard to describe - yes the day felt like someone had pushed the fast forward button, and very surreal. However other than small moments in the lead up, I didn’t ever feel anxious or nervous. All I felt was calm and ready. This was absolutely what I wanted, with the person I wanted to do it, and I knew I was in the best hands. I had long made peace with decision that this was how my journey was going to end up. We were finally there.

I had a few more minutes to sit before they were ready for me, so I stayed where I was. I say a few more minutes, but I genuinely have zero idea of how long it was. The next thing I know, the nurse and the anaesthesiologist himself came over. I instantly liked him. He introduced himself as, “I’m the person who’s going to put you to sleep with some lullabies. Shall we go do that now?” He then apologised for the wait. I said to him, this is all happening a lot quicker than I expected. I really don’t feel like I’ve been waiting at all. “Oh we all feel bad you’ve been waiting so long.” It was crazy 😅 I genuinely felt like I was in the weirdest time warp. Everyone else thought I’d been waiting ages, but I felt like I hadn’t been waiting at all.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that I would walk out the holding room only to be one or two doors down into the operating theatre. Or that I would just casually walk in and then be told to hop up on the table 😅 At that point they placed the wee sticky pads on my chest for all the leads for the monitors and applied the compression pumps to my legs there and then.

I was trying to take everything in. I couldn’t quite believe even at that point that it was actually happening. I didn’t even feel nervous at all, but there was a real sense of relief and excitement. There were loads of people in the room getting ready behind me. I was aware of Éilís coming through the door to my right. The last thing I remember was the anaesthesiologist asking me the colour of the cannula, ‘pink to make the boys wink’ 😂 and then a pink mask being placed over my nose and mouth. I just remember that sweet smell of the mask that was the same as when I used gas and air in my first labour. I could feel the gas I was inhaling, and the nurse told me it was just oxygen, but I guess it probably wasn’t because I don’t remember anything else after that 😂 Either that or the timing of that was exactly at the same minute as I was given the knockout. Last time I trust someone that tells me that 🤣

My first memory was kind of coming to in recovery and thinking, ‘whoa I think I’m going to be sick’ and promptly retching. I wasn’t actually sick, but a doctor came over sharpish with a sick bag and then I was gone again. I just remember thinking, ‘bloody hell why do I have to go and test the abs straight away doing something like that 😂🙈’ I vaguely remember being told when I was going to be taken upstairs, but I felt like I was being pulled back under and couldn’t fight off the sleep. I remember being left in the room, but it was a colossal effort to keep my eyes open. The last thing I recall at that point was being aware of whoever was next me - the woman and her husband were speaking Spanish. I felt reassured that I must be okay, because I heard and understood everything they said (although if you ask me now I couldn’t tell you what they said!) I always thought I’d be the one waking up speaking Spanish under the influence of the painkillers, but it turns out I was just meant to be in the bed next door 😅

The next thing I realised my visitors were in the room. It took absolutely everything to force my eyes to stay open, but the fact that they were there I knew I wanted to be conscious. I still had absolutely no concept of time. They were only there a few minutes before Éilís came in. She could have told me absolutely anything and I would struggle to remember. What I do remember is her taking off the binder to let me look. I have no idea how I reacted or what I said. I’m guessing I shook my head in disbelief (because that’s still how I react now). Despite the fact my tissues were very stretched, somehow the quality of those tissues was actually very good for the sutures to take hold. There are no guarantees, but it’s likely the load I had put through them and the work I had put in which made the difference. I was told my diet was going to be changed due to the fact that she thought I might get really sick from anaesthetic because of the volume of it going through someone smaller framed like me. Somehow though, I managed to eat every meal I had and I didn’t retch again. I wasn’t at all sick and have no idea why. Maybe my body was just able to cope somehow.

I’ve spoken to a few people who said they had slept great the night of surgery, but I didn’t at all. Despite the painkillers and feeling like I was in a fog, my brain just wouldn’t switch off (no change there then) and of course the nurse came in regularly to see if I needed more pain relief so it felt like the night after I had each of my kids, where they just keep checking on you. That’s obviously so reassuring, and if I was asleep I wouldn’t have noticed, but I just didn’t sleep well for whatever reason.

In the morning, my catheter was taken out at 7am and I knew I’d be up and going to the toilet for my first walk. The nurse helped me the first time and I was immediately shocked at how straight I was able to stand without forcing it. I had expected the worse, so was pleasantly surprised when it just felt comfortable to stand almost straight. The nurses changed my bed when I came back because they said I was a query for staying another night, which was reinforced by the fact I was told to make another dinner choice. I knew most patients left the next day, so that was a bit confusing, but I put it down to my low blood pressure. If my blood pressure is anything, it’s always low. When I had my son, it was dangerously low the morning after given birth and I couldn’t stand. I knew it wasn’t as low the morning after surgery, but everyone remarked on it. ‘Is your blood pressure usually low?’ was a question I was asked by a couple of nurses and the physio.

When Éilís came in to check on her patients, she confirmed there would be no reason why I couldn’t leave that afternoon after showering etc. It sounded like I had been marked as a query to ensure if needed, the bed was there. That visit I remembered a bit better 😅 she took the binder off again to show me and said she was happy with how everything looked.

My nurse came back in and said she would change my belly button dressing after my shower. I managed to shower myself which I was surprised at, but so relieved. It just felt amazing to feel clean. My dressings were changed and I was then able to get dressed and put my binder back on myself. Of course, I was knackered by that time, so all I wanted to do was sleep. I was waiting on my prescription when Alex came in. The nurse read it out and I just remembered looking over at Alex thinking, that can’t be right. It sounded like the only painkillers I was being prescribed were paracetamol! Alex said, “Claire, when I had surgery on my hand I ended up with more than that, that can’t be right.” I asked Alex to get the nurse who had been with Éilís in the morning to ask her. Her face when I explained was an absolute picture! It turned out the doctor who had signed it hadn’t realised I had an abdominoplasty! 🙈 It was promptly corrected 😂 I can handle a lot, but wouldn’t have liked to be climbing the walls with the pain later thinking, why didn’t I say something?

The hospital physio visited me before I was discharged. It felt completely ironic if I’m honest. At the very beginning, we now know I should have been seen by a physio on the ward after having my son, and ever since then I’ve lucked out when it comes to physios. I couldn’t help but smile wryly at the fact I wasn’t being discharged post-op until I had been seen. She said my surgeon had told her I was pretty clear on everything I could and couldn’t do, but she just wanted to check coughing, breathing and log rolling. She readjusted the bed and when I log rolled, she told me I was really strong in doing it so she had no concerns. The coughing was no doubt the worst thing about being post-op. It is absolute agony, but a necessary evil to ensure I didn’t end up with a chest infection or worse post anaesthetic.

Before leaving, she took my blood pressure thinking she would get me to walk the corridors and then downstairs. I was game, but she decided because of my low blood pressure we wouldn’t do it. I felt able to, but this was day 1: there would be plenty time to test the waters when the time was right. She handed me a leaflet for post abdominal surgery and apologised: “you can’t do the majority on here anyway which I’m sure you know, but I mistakenly crossed out walking as well. You can walk and that’s it.” 😂

We were lucky to be staying across the road from the hospital. However, I was more than a bit mortified when Alex said he’d be taking me in a wheelchair to the apartment then would return it to the hospital. That led to a hell of an argument 🤣 but in the end I had no energy to fight him on it long enough to get my way and walk myself. I’ll probably never forgive him for making me do that. Talk about overprotective! I love him, but honestly I swear he insists on some things knowing how much it’ll wind me up!

I thought I’d struggle sleeping at night, but thankfully not. Although positioning myself took time, we got there eventually. Alex drove me crazy at times, but I can’t fault him as a nurse. He was on top of my painkillers and what I could take and when, did everything for me like dressing me, drying my hair and helping me clean my belly button. He cooked, brought everything to me and opened every door before I could even think of doing it. The odd time I slipped up, he gave me the hard stare that I’m pretty sure he reserves for me when I piss him off because, I’m ‘too stubborn.’ 🤣🙈

The second day I probably wanted to go out for a walk, but I was exhausted, and ended up napping on the couch. I hadn’t felt great that day so I listened to my body. While I was keenly aware of how everything felt like it was going better than I had expected, I knew I would now play a part in that in terms of what I was doing. The Monday after surgery, I went for a small walk and although I was walking a bit gingerly, I was pretty much straight when I was walking. I’m naturally a really fast walker, so to see Alex slow down for me was a reality check, but I knew I would get stronger at some point and wasn’t bothered how long it took, I was just grateful to be doing well.

That evening, I spotted my ankles were pretty swollen. I knew going to bed I would be immobile for the whole night and while I could have taken the compression socks off between days 3 and 5 post-op, I made the decision to keep them on at night. I also decided that on top of walking outside during the day, I would walk lengths of the long corridor in the evenings outside our apartment. Alex said it wasn’t quite 100m so I would do ‘there and back’ a few times. The first time I did 4 times, only for Alex to tell me it was quite quick so I decided to do more. Every night thereafter from then on, (with the exception of two nights when I was just too tired) I did 10 full lengths of the corridor which would take about 20 minutes (at the start) on top of any walk during the day. I wasn’t actively trying to do them quicker (Alex doesn’t believe that, but it’s true), but each time got quicker and easier. It gave me a bit of movement before bed, and equally some alone time and headspace to try and figure things out.

The next day was the only blip in my initial recovery. I noticed there seemed to be an infection at my belly button. I had been told that was really common given what belly buttons are, but I just knew it wasn’t quite right. When I explained how it looked over the phone, Éilís agreed it sounded infected and prescribed me antibiotics. I probably caught it a day earlier than maybe normal, as the next day it was red around it and looked more infected, but by that time I was already getting antibiotics into my system so thankfully, had no issues with a fever or anything else. I’ve always been hyper aware of everything going on at my tummy and that wasn’t about to change post-op. I think that’s probably why I caught it so early.

At 7 days post-op, I had my first physio consult. We discussed surgery and how I was doing and they had a look at my tummy. They both remarked how upright I was and how good it looked. I think Antony even commented I was looking ‘jacked.’ I have no idea what he was seeing, but I’ll take it 😅 The whole thing was surreal. I couldn’t believe a week had passed since that absolute blur of a day that would change my life forever. I still can’t get over it now.

The next day, Alex was leaving to swap with my Mum, who had been looking after Cailean and Emily since the Wednesday before. We had agreed it wasn’t fair on the kids to be away from both of us for so long, so Mum would come out as Alex went home. I would be on my own for about 5 hours, with Alex threatening to lock me in if he thought I was going to do anything that wasn’t allowed 🙄 I had suggested I would do my outdoor walk before my Mum arrived, but I had to compromise to my lengths of the corridor. Even then, he wasn’t happy I would be opening the apartment door myself. When he was leaving was the first time I got emotional. He had driven me crazy as I said, but I couldn’t have done it without him. Not just surgery - everything I had gone through in the last almost 4 years. He has been my rock throughout and I’m so lucky to have him.

I was probably a bit more emotional on my own between Alex leaving and my Mum arriving, so I was glad when she arrived a bit sooner than expected. During that week, I continued being able to walk more and for longer, but still listening to my body when I needed a rest.

The Monday after Mum arrived, was probably the most eventful. I thought my infection was getting worse - although that was based on how my belly button looked. It was decided that the way I cleaned it would change - no more antiseptic or ointment, just water and instead of a dressing, a panty liner inside my vest under the binder to ensure it was wicking any moisture away from the belly button. I was relieved - it previously felt like a never ending cycle where I would clean it, try to dry it as much as possible, but it would look worse again the following day when I took the dressing off.

My Mum had arrived in Dublin with conjunctivitis in both eyes, but it was steadily getting worse. I had no idea how to access doctors while we were there, but we ended up in an out of hours clinic at a nearby hospital. She had heard how awesome the doctors were and didn’t want to miss out 😂 That was probably the first time I was in close proximity to others outside of the shops in the waiting room without my jacket on. I watched two families with toddlers waiting to be seen. I’ve been that soldier many a time with my two. I suddenly thought they’re probably looking at me thinking I’m due a baby myself…only to look down and realise, “Nope. Nobody will think that ever again.” 🥹 It was the first time it hit me, but even then it felt like the feeling was barely scratching the surface.

My final appointment before going home was to get my dressings off at 12 days post-op. It was the weirdest feeling walking into the hospital and up to Éilís’ office, when the last time I had been there was my marking appointment the afternoon before surgery. I had taken paracetamol before just because I thought it would probably hurt. By that day, I had come off all painkillers and was only occasionally taking paracetamol - usually for a headache rather than anything to do with surgery. The dressings coming off wasn’t the most pleasant experience, but it was over quickly thankfully. It was the first time I got to see my scar and I know it seems strange, but I was delighted. It was the next big part of the puzzle post-op. When the nurse got me to look in the mirror once she had trimmed the sutures and cleaned it, I think I once again shook my head. I just couldn’t believe that that was what I looked like now. I still can’t. I was told the swelling below my belly button would go down and there were some cracking bruises, but I couldn’t care less if this is how it looked from now on. I’m over the moon and blown away the results. Compared to how I came into that office 13 days previously, it was night and day.

It was even harder to comprehend when the nurse took the photos and compared them to the very first consult last March 🤯 she put them side by side and said: “you can tell you’re fit and strong, but look at the difference.” I swear I feel like one of those Churchill dogs in those adverts that used to shake it’s head. I just cannot get my head round it.

Leaving the appointment though, I felt strange and I can’t really put into words how I was feeling. There was an air of finality creeping in again and I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know the words to thank my surgeon and her team for everything they had done. How can you thank someone who has had such a profound impact on your life? Who has changed your life for the better? I still can’t comprehend that this is it. I still don’t feel any of this is really real. I don’t know how, or when that will change.

My team - my physios, my surgeon and of course my husband - want to protect me at the minute. I love them for it, but there’s no denying: no matter what we all do, there is a weight of expectation and I can’t ignore it forever. Even in the lovely comments on my first update post-op, I had incredible comments like: “the whole community are wondering how you’re getting on,” “the update we’ve been waiting on,” “lots of us interested having followed your journey,” and “can’t wait to see your next update”. Even that’s hard to believe. People have been following from the beginning and they want to see it through with me to the end. It blows my mind as much now, as it did in the beginning.

I came home to my kids and my husband two days after that appointment. My son has grown up with this as much as I have lived with it. There have been times he’s been fixated on my tummy, and he completely understood everything about it getting fixed by the time surgery came. It came as no surprise then, that every single day I FaceTimed him when I was away, he asked to see my tummy. When I eventually showed him, he was speechless, which is pretty impressive for an almost 4 year old, who never stops speaking! The poor wee guy couldn’t comprehend it either.

I know it might be hard to understand why I have shared everything over the years and now I have the biggest update of all, but I’m not ready to share yet. I’m really struggling with it myself. I don’t know how I feel about everything. That’s partly why I made the decision to release these blog posts first. I hoped that if I tried to process it by writing (which has always been my go to throughout this journey), maybe I could figure it out. I’m reluctant to see anyone I know yet. I was happy in my bubble in Dublin because no one knew me there. I could go out for a walk and be completely anonymous. I go out for a walk now feeling I might bump into someone. I don’t want to hide away forever, but I’m dealing with some huge emotions and thoughts right now, after what has been years of my life.

There is one thing for certain I do know in all of this - how even more incredibly lucky I am now. Not only do I have my amazing physios, I now have the most amazing surgeon. I knew that before she even laid eyes on me in person, but throughout all of this, that has just become clearer each time and of course, no more so than when I woke up post-op. Her skills as a surgeon were never in doubt; but they were the cherry on top of an incredibly kind, caring and supportive person who got me as a person, how I felt, and what I wanted to achieve from day 1. That is everything I could have asked for and more. As with everything I have experienced throughout, there will never be enough words to express my gratitude for what my team have done and continue to do for me.

I have videos and pictures from those early days post-op. I will post these when I’m ready. I know many women following are considering or are getting an abdominoplasty, and I know maybe something I share might help. Maybe even just as reassurance that if that’s the decision they’ve made, they won’t regret it.

I have never been ashamed of getting surgery. It was very clear to me, even as early as 2020, that it would be my only option. That was reaffirmed when I was opened up. There was just no way I could do it myself: no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, or how long I put in the work, and I know I did absolutely everything humanly possible to try.

When the time comes, I will be putting the same efforts into my final chapter of rehab. Whilst I know they wouldn’t agree, it’s the very least I owe my surgeon and my physios. Once again, so much time and effort has been put into me and I couldn’t not repay that the only way I truly can. Even then, that probably won’t ever be enough for everything they have done for me. 🍀🌟❤️

[krazykpopscenarios]

One Pt.2

Group: EXO Member: Sehun x OC Genre: Fluff, Semi-smut Word count:  7421 A/N: The second to last part. This is super long because its wrapping up this mini series. It has a few time skips so again if you don’t like that I’m sorry but that’s how I am fitting everything in. I changed Y/B/N to Mina so if you’re like who the heck is Mina that’s why. It starts out being 2016 then to 2017. Y/F/N means your full name. 

One Night Stand | One Night | One Pt. 1 | One Pt. 2

It’s been three weeks since the boys left. I started growing a small baby bump, not too noticeable. My brother texted me a few days ago saying he wants to come visit me. Which is the perfect time to tell him the news. He is coming tomorrow so I’ve spent the entire day cleaning up the house. Sehun and I text when he can which isn’t a lot but he’s still in the same country at the moment, so that helps a little.

-

Today I am waiting at the airport for B/N. He texted me before he took off that he would be here in an hour or so. I fidget with my phone while I wait, then my phone starts vibrating in my hand. “Hello?” I answer. “Hi beautiful” Sehun’s voice comes through the phone. “Hi” I melt inside, because yes he still has that effect on me. “How are you and my little peach” I can hear his smile through the phone. “Good, the peach and I are waiting for my brother, B/N, at the airport” I look around me. The thing about having a public relationship with Sehun is that everyone knows me, luckily I haven’t been spotted yet. “Ah, he’s coming out to visit you?” Sehun says into the phone. “Yeah, he said and I quote ‘I haven’t seen my baby sister in so long but then she just pops up in a magazine and I just knew I had to come visit her’ so yeah now I get to see him” I explain.

“Well, then it looks like I’ll finally get to meet him” Sehun says quickly then coughs. “Wait, what?” I exclaim. “I get a week break before going to Japan so I’ll be coming home” Sehun says excitedly. “And you know what that means” I say waiting for him to finish the sentence. “I’ll be there to find out the gender of my baby” He finishes. “Wow, that makes me feel a lot better” I sigh. My brother comes into view when I look up from the floor. “Sehun, B/N is here so text me what day you’re coming back, I’ll talk to you later I love you” I say as I stand up and try to get B/N’s attention. “I will, beautiful, I love you too bye” Sehun hangs up and I put my phone in my back pocket.

“Hey! Big brother!” I smile ear to ear as B/N hugs me. “How have you been, how’s the wife?” I ask him. “Oh my gosh married life is great, we have had our downs here and there, but overall I love it and I love her” He radiates happiness. “Good, I’m so glad you’ve found your happiness” I say as we walk out to the airport parking lot. “Anyway, enough about me, how are you?” He asks as he puts his bag in the back seat. “Well, I’m sure you saw I’m dating Sehun, from Exo, and he’s great he makes me happy” I smile as I start the car and pull out of the parking lot. “Are you hungry?” I ask. B/N shakes his head, “Tell me more about him like how you two met?”

I laugh, “Well funny story actually, we met at a club and we had sex then we realized we really liked each other” We stop at a red light and I lean my head against the window. “I met the rest of the boys, exposed our relationship and then found out there will be a little us and now he’s on tour” I try to put the pregnancy announcement in the middle of the story so he hears it but doesn’t freak out. “Wait, what was that?” He asks. I chuckle awkwardly, “He’s on tour?” He shakes his head, “You’re pregnant?” He asks. I nod my head and put the car in park as we sit in my car outside of my house. “Wow, that’s great, Y/N” He smiles at me. “You’re not mad?” I ask. He chuckles, “Y/N, you’re 22 years old it’s time to make your life what you want it and if this is what you want then I’m happy for you” B/N gets out of the car and grabs his bag.

We walk into the house and I throw my keys on the side table. I show B/N to the spare bedroom, “You can meet him soon, he has a week break between tour dates and we have an appointment Friday to see what the gender is” I sit on the bed and B/N sits next to me. “I would love to meet the guy that makes my baby sister so happy,” He puts an arm around me, “Because god knows we didn’t have much happiness in our life before this.” I sigh and nod in agreement. My phone vibrates in my back pocket signalling Sehun texted me.

From: Sehun 12:47pm I come back tomorrow around 5:30pm

To: Sehun 12:47pm We’ll be there to pick you up :)

From: Sehun 12:48pm Can’t wait <3

“Well he comes back tomorrow so you’ll meet him very soon” I chuckle as I set my phone in my lap. “Okay, well what do you wanna do?” I ask. “Still have the Xbox?” B/N asks with playful smirk. “Hell yeah I do” I laugh and run to my living room. “GTA races or Minecraft” I ask as I throw him my second controller. “GTA so I can kick your ass like always” B/N elbows me playfully. “I doubt it, Sehun and I sometimes do nothing but race and I have won 17 times and only lost 4 times” I say as a matter of factly. We play GTA until our stomachs are growling louder than our frustrated screams. “Maybe we should get food” B/N suggests as he loses for the 15th time tonight. “It's 4:29 so yeah we might wanna get food” I chuckle.

B/N and I order pizza delivery and stay in and catch up on things in our life. “So what do you want the kid to be?” B/N asks as he eats the last bit of his pizza. “I feel like it will be a boy but I could be wrong” I shrug. “Do you see you and your wife having kids anytime soon?” I ask as I grab one more slice of pizza. “Right now, no but eventually yes” He nods. “Do you see yourself getting married to Sehun?” It's clear he scans my face for any negative reaction. “I do, to be honest, I especially see us together for a long while with our kid” I admit. “And yeah, it will be hard with Sehun being famous but we make it work now so I'm sure we will still be making it work later” I take a bite of pizza. “Well that's good” He pats my shoulder.

B/N’s phone starts ringing, “Hey it's the wife you wanna facetime her?” I grab his phone out of his hand, “Hey W/N!” She giggles, “Y/N!” We facetime W/N for an hour. We laugh, she tells how work is, and how her mother is coming to visit soon and stuff. “Oh W/N, Y/N has something to tell you” He says. “Tell me tell me!” She gets excited like a thirteen year old girl. “I am dating someone” I start. “Yeah, you were trending” She deadpans. “Well, you’re going to be an aunt” I smile. W/N squeals, “I’m so happy for you girl.” B/N and I say our goodbyes and then he ends the call and we say goodnight and head to bed.

-

I wake up to the smell of pancakes. I follow the smell all the way to the kitchen where B/N is making pancakes and eggs. “Wow, who are you and what have you done with my brother” I laugh as I lean against the counter. “No, but you’re pregnant so you have to eat good and healthy” He chuckles as he makes my plate. “So pour yourself some orange juice or water” He adds. “Yes, mom” I giggle as I grab a cup from the cupboard. “What time is Sehun getting here?” B/N asks as he sets my plate down at the table and makes another plate for himself. “I’m going to get him  around 5:30 tonight” I stuff eggs into my mouth. “I’ll stay and hang out here while you go get him, and I’ll intimidate him when he’s in my territory” B/N smiles as he eats. “Your territory huh?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Technically, yes” He laughs. I shake my head as I continue to eat.

After our morning routine we get into my car and drive to the mall for some shopping. B/N buys souvenirs for his wife and some hats. I buy Sehun and I matching beanies, a few t-shirts and a pair of jeans. “So do you have anyone to be with you while you're pregnant and Sehun is on tour?” He asks as we sit in the food court. “Not really, Mina is back to school so she wouldn't be able to check on me very much, you live in Busan, mom and dad don't talk to me, and S/N is too successful in life to acknowledge me,” I shrug, “I can do it by myself and it will only be four months, not like he's left me for good.” A few feet away there is some squeals. Then two girls come up to us and ask for a picture with me, and I say yes. “Thank you so much, take care of you and Sehun oppa” One girl says. The other looks like she's about to pass out, “You're so pretty.” They wave goodbye to us and leave us in peace.

“Is that normal now?” He asks with a laugh. “Yeah a little bit” We pick up our stuff and head home. The ride home is filled with loud singing, though I wouldn't call it singing it was more like screaming, to the radio. “Y/N, I have a question for you and I don't want you to get mad when I ask this” B/N says calmly. “Okay, ask away” I nod. “Have you thought about telling mom and dad that you're pregnant?” He questions. “I mean though we weren't on good terms I told them I was getting married and they even came to congratulate us” He adds as he looks at me with concerned eyes. “Honestly I probably should, I just don't think I want to right now, I'd like do tell them when I'm ready” I nod in content. “Just tell them soon okay?” He gives me a sad smile.

“Okay what should we do until 5:30” I sign as I plop down on the couch. “Racing?” B/N grabs his controller. “What, do you think you can beat me?” I challenge. “Hell yeah” He smirks at me competitively. We end up playing video games for hours. I have won 10 times and lost 9 times. “One more and then I gotta go to the airport” I say glancing at the clock. “Good, maybe I can tie us up” He clicks the start button. By the end of the race I lose and B/N does a victory dance around the living room. “Okay, you goon I'm going to go get Sehun, would you start dinner?” I pick up my keys and phone. “Yeah, good luck finding Mr. Idol” He disappears into the kitchen. I head out to the car and drive to the airport.

To: Sehun 5:23pm I'm here by Starbucks

From: Sehun 5:23pm I'll meet you there then

To: Sehun 5:24pm Can't wait Sehunnie ;)

I lock my phone, slip it into my back pocket and follow the signs to Starbucks. Sehun sticks out like a sore thumb because he's standing while everyone else is sitting. “Boo” I jab the sides of his stomach. “Jesus, Y/N” He jumps. “What I don't get a ‘hi Y/N, my almighty queen, I've missed you and our beautiful fetus these last three weeks’ or something like that” He chuckles and grabs my hand. “Hi, Y/N, amazingly beautiful girlfriend how have you and my beautiful baby boy or girl been?” He walks slowly to me then he strokes my cheek. “Three weeks was too long” I sigh looking from his eyes to his lips. He leans down to meet me in a kiss that was long overdue. “Let’s go home” I say as his lips lightly linger on mine.

“So where are the rest of the boys?” I ask as unlock the car. “They all went home to their families for the week” He throws his bag in the back seat. “That's great” I smile at him. “Yixing finally gets to go back to China to see his family and the boys are scattered around South Korea visiting their family” He buckles up and we drive away from the airport. “Where is B/N?” He asks. “He's at the house” I reply. “He's going to try to be intimidating, though he's really just a teddy bear” I laugh. “I'll pretend to be scared then” Sehun smirks. “B/N we're home!” I shout over the loud music. The music gets turned down and B/N pops his head out of the kitchen. “So you're the infamous Oh Sehun that is dating my baby sister” Sehun nods and holds his hand out for him to shake. B/N sternly shakes Sehun’s hand not breaking eye contact. “What do you think you were doing when you got my sister pregnant?” B/N crosses his arms. “Well, I clearly wasn't thinking because I was under the influence” Sehun and I both crack up which makes B/N cock his head at us. “Oh brother, you're not even a little bit scary” I pat his shoulder. “Come on Sehun let's get you unpacked before dinner” I walk towards my room. “Don't get too comfortable” B/N calls to us. “Oh we will” Sehun yells back.

“I think he likes me” He smiles. “I think he does too” I lay back on my bed. Sehun slides in next to me, “I missed you,” he whispers. “I missed you too” I wrap my arms around him. We doze off before we know it, but it's not too long till B/N is calling us for dinner. “So how's the tour?” I shove a spoonful of mac and cheese into my mouth. “It's okay, the boys and I get to see new places and talk to the fans and I love talking to the fans” Sehun takes a bite of Mac and cheese. “How's life at Y/N’s humble abode?” He asks. “Good, so far we are tied in wins on GTA races and we have gone shopping” B/N smiles at me. I return the smile, “We are 10 to 10 right now and the next to lose has to buy ice cream” I smile proudly knowing I won't be losing. “Have you shown him the last race?” Sehun raises an eyebrow. “What race?” B/N says curiously with his eyebrows furrowed. “Nope, that's my winning map” I smirk at B/N. “Well you sure beat me on that one” Sehun snorts. “What are we talking about” B/N looks between me and Sehun. For the first time in the last five minutes we both look at him. “I have a race that I know I can't lose at” I inform him. “Great, so I better get my wallet ready then right?” B/N chuckles. Sehun and I both nod furiously.

“We won't race tonight though,” B/N frowns at me, “Sehun is probably jet lagged so we'll be going to bed early tonight.” Sehun nods while B/N rolls his eyes. “Yeah because you two in one room with one bed means sleep, I totally believe that” He picks up his plate and walks into the kitchen. Sehun and I glance at each other and start laughing. We eventually clean up dinner and head to our rooms for the night. “Hey Baekhyun’s calling” Sehun plops down on the bed and I crawl over to see his phone screen. “Y/N buddy ol pal I miss you like crazy” Baekhyun yells. “Hey buddy” I scoot closer to Sehun so he can see me. “How's my niece or nephew?” He asks. “Good, growing and somewhat annoying” I say with a laugh. “You love it” Baekhyun chuckles. “How's Baekbeom?” Sehun asks. “Good, he and his wife are visiting my parents as am I” Baekhyun smiles. “Enough about me though, how's it feel being in the same house, no scratch that, same bed together again” Baekhyun teases. “It feels good” Sehun looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes. “I miss you, though” I say breaking my gaze with Sehun. “I miss you too Y/N, as do the rest of the boys” Baekhyun has a sad smile on his face. “Oh I'm telling my family I'm going to be an uncle later” He adds. “How it's like 8pm?” Sehun’s eyebrows are knitted together. “We are going to get ice cream in like 15 minutes” Baekhyun says.

Just then someone walks into Baekhyun’s room, “Hey Baek, we are leaving soon.” Baekhyun nods, “Oh! Baekbeom come back” He says quickly. “You remember Sehun right?” Baekbeom mumbles a yes. “He finally got a girlfriend” He tells him excitedly. “Is she cute? Does she know he-” Baekbeom says. “Hyung he's on Skype with her right now” Baekhyun interrupts. “Oh, hi Sehun, hi Sehun's girlfriend” Baekbeom says before leaving. Sehun looks terrified making me and Baekhyun burst into laughter. “That was close” Sehun manages to say. “Okay well I think we will leave this here, bye guys it was nice seeing you Y/N” Baekhyun waves crazily. “Bye Baekhyun” I smile and Sehun hangs up.

Sehun sighs plugging in his phone to the charger. I get up and change into one of Sehun's shirt and shorts. “How long have you had that?” Sehun laughs as I get into bed. “For awhile I guess” I look down at the shirt. “Well it looks better on you anyway” Sehun crawls towards me on the bed. “So I shouldn't take it off?” I suggest as I bite my lip. “Mm no you should because as good as it looks on you, it definitely looks better on your floor” He says in a low voice. “Then take it off” I say with a sultry look on my face. He does just that and more.

_

Friday

Not sure if it was because I was sleeping next Sehun or the fact that he tired me out again last night but I slept very good. I turn towards Sehun not opening my eyes yet. “Oh you’re awake” He whispers. I put a finger on his mouth. “Come on let’s get out of bed” He tries to get out of bed but I pull him back and cuddle closer. “Five more minutes” I say sweetly. “Y/N you’ve had me all week and yet you continue to cuddle me like I’m about to leave” He chuckles as he stops resisting. “Shh you love it” I say quickly. Sehun gives in and we both fall back asleep. We wake up for real an hour later and make breakfast for the three of us.

“Oh is this all for me” B/N says sarcastically. “No it’s for my growing child” I reply back. “Well damn” B/N puts his hand on his heart in a dramatic way. “We have the appointment today and she’s nervous” Sehun pats B/N’s back as to nonverbally apologize for my attitude. “Oh yeah you find out the gender today” B/N remembers. I sit down and eat while the two boys converse over video games and their stats. “I’m going to shower” I kiss Sehun’s cheek, put my empty plate in the sink and head for the bathroom. One of the reasons I’m nervous is what if our baby isn’t healthy, it’s a thought that goes through every pregnant woman's mind. It’s nerve wracking, but the shower helps me calm down. Everything is going to be okay I repeat in my head.

The drive to the clinic seems long and quiet, “What’s going through your head?” Sehun asks as he puts the car in park. I open my mouth but all that comes out is a weak whine. “I’m scared” I manage to say. “Why, baby” Sehun caresses my cheek. “What if the baby isn’t healthy y’know, like it’s a valid fear” I make eye contact with Sehun and he’s smiling big and toothy. “Yes, it is but how could something be wrong with our baby when you don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, you take you take your vitamins everyday, and you eat healthier” Sehun chuckles. “Let’s go find out what our baby is because I’m ready to know” Sehun says excitedly. “Wait Sehun what if we do a gender reveal, like we don’t find out today?” I grab his arm keeping him from getting out of the car. “Okay who would we give the envelope to?” He inquires. “Joonmyun, he’s been with us since the beginning” I suggest. “I like that I will text him after the appointment” Sehun and I exit the car.

The visit is almost exactly the same as last time the gel is cold, find the heartbeat, locate every body part possible, and of course despite my fear she tells me that my baby is healthy. “So are do we want to know the gender?” Doctor Jung asks. “Can we have you put it in an envelope? We wanna do a gender reveal party” Sehun speaks up. “Yes, I can do that” She smiles and wipes off the gel. She brings the envelope to us on our way out.

“Sehun, what should we do for a gender reveal?” I rub my tummy. This is real, this isn’t a dream, I am pregnant with Oh Sehun’s child. “Let’s see” He thinks. “You get back when?” I ask subconsciously rubbing my stomach. “December 22nd” He answers, “I have an idea!” I laugh at his sudden outburst. “Lightsaber will be a year old a month before that, so we will use lightsabers for the reveal!” He is now bouncing in his seat with excitement. “That’s perfect Sehun” I look at him for a long time with the biggest smile on my face thinking. I would not be this happy with anyone else. I didn’t have to know Oh Sehun, the singer, rapper but most importantly the father of your child, very long to know he was the one. And I hope he feels the same, little did you know he did.

Arriving home we were met with an anxious big brother at the door. “So boy or girl?” He asked furiously. “We chose to give it to someone for a gender reveal” I say. “Okay then give it to me so I can be that person, y’know I am your big brother” B/N laughs. “Sorry B/N, we picked Joonmyun” Sehun cuts in. “Oh well I guess I’ll go cry in my room now” B/N says sarcastically. “Listen, you will find out the gender when everyone else does, including us, but for now get gender neutral things for the baby” Patting his back to comfort. Sehun and I walk to my bedroom for a nap.

Sehun goes back on tour and I start counting down the days till he comes home in December. By then I will be seven months pregnant and showing enough for me not to be able to out in public. So I take advantages of freedom now while I can. Exo’s manager and I have been in contact since the boys left so we can start setting up the nursery and Sehun and I’s bed room in the new house. He is the only one that knows the gender of the baby besides Joonmyun. On the plus side the boys made a group chat for all of us to chat in, or at least some of us. Usually someone sends daily updates on how they are all doing, sometimes they will send pictures, or stupid memes. With the group chat it was a lot easier to tell them there that they are to get gender neutral things for the baby until the gender is revealed. I have also been in the works of making ‘Uncle Squad’ t-shirts for all the boys because they are going to be the best uncles, my brother included.

Speaking of my brother he is still living with me which is fun, but I can sense he misses W/N so I surprised him with her being here for three weeks. It’s been nice having them around so I’m not completely alone through out the pregnancy. B/N keeps bringing up meeting with my parents, which I considered since both him and his wife would go with me as support. After I long time of thinking it over and over and over today is the day I see my parents for the first time in 6 years.

“I’m nervous” I state sitting in the backseat of my own car, B/N and W/N in the front. “I don’t blame you, it has been 6 years” W/N understands what me and my brother went through considering she’s heard every detail from my brother. My brother gives me a sympathetic look through the rear view mirror. “I have to do this, I don’t want my child asking me about my parents and having to explain to them why they aren’t in my life” It sounded like I was explaining my reasoning to the two others in the car but I think I was just trying to convince myself this is the right thing to do. “I mean the most I am trying to get out of this is to at least be on talking terms, I would like to better our relationship but that will take more than an apology.”

The nervousness isn’t quite there anymore when we pull up to the fancy restaurant, that my parents picked to meet at. What I was not expecting was to walk in and see not only my parents but my older sister too. B/N wasn’t expecting either I assume from the complete shock on his face. We walked to the table and my parents stood to greet the three of us. “Y/N, B/N, it’s so nice to see you” Mother said in a pretty nice convincing tone. People around us watching the encounter would be fooled. Father waved to us but didn’t officially greet us. B/N introduced his wife to our sister because she had already met our parents at the wedding.

“So fill us in on your lives” My dad leans in as if I’m about to spill the biggest cup of tea to them. “Why don’t we start off with why I am here” I say sternly. “There is a lot of things going on in my life that I want my parents and older sister to be apart of but not until you realize what you, my parents, did to your youngest daughter and son” I start. Mother squirmed in her seat, I know I struck a nerve. Father remained unphased by my words. “Okay let’s talk” Mother says quietly. “You pushed us away, like we were nothing. And the icing on the cake was you paraded our older sister around to make us feel even worse than we already did. You turned her against her own family. Do you understand that?” I look between my parents sitting in front of me. “And you,” I turn to my sister. “You allowed it, you didn’t stop them because you loved the spot light” My voice cracks a little at the end almost as a warning of tears on their way.

“I just want to understand why you two did it. Who in their right mind does that to their kids?” The hurt is heavy in my tone of voice and I hope it helps get my point across. “An apology won’t fix everything that happened, but it’s a start and your mother and I are truly sorry,” Father finally speaks up. “We just wanted to set an example of how to achieve your goals and make it in life and I think we took it too far” Mother adds. “You think?” I scoff. “Y/N...we want to make it up to you now, if it’s not too late” Mother lays her hand on top of mine, though I am irritated with her I don’t pull away. “I want to fix things between us too because there is so much stuff happening in my life that I want you two and even you, S/N, to be apart of, but it doesn’t all just go away like that. It will take time and I’m willing to go through that if you guys are too” I grab my sisters hand too.

“That’s all we want” S/N says. “Okay?” Father says. “Okay.” The air is a lot lighter now that everything's out in the open, well not everything. “So Y/N, you wanna explain why you were on the cover of every tabloid for like two weeks?” My sister asks. “Yeah...about that” I laugh awkwardly. “Tell them, Y/N” B/N nudges me.

“I’m dating Oh Sehun from Exo but to me he’s not just Oh Sehun from Exo, he’s Oh Sehun my boyfriend, best friend and partner. We’ve known each other for three months which was more than enough time to get to know each other and get me pregnant” I laugh at the thought of our back story. It sounds like a raunchy story line for a movie. “You’re pregnant?” Mother’s jaw drops. I nod, “Three months and counting” I chuckle. “Which is one of the reasons why I agreed to finally talk with you guys after so long. I want you guys to be apart of the baby’s life.”

“Oh honey, that’s amazing!” Mother tears up. “Do you think he is the one, Y/N” Father asks calmly. “Yeah, yeah I do” The ear to ear smile is back on my face. “I’ve been staying with Y/N because she is alone at the moment while Sehun is on tour, but he did come home and visit her while on break and they are truly each other’s match” B/N pats my shoulder and gives me an approving look. “Well then I would like to meet this boy as soon as possible” Father nods. “When he gets done with tour we are having a gender reveal party and you guys are invited to come, if you would like” I explain suddenly feeling shy. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world” S/N says.

December 18th

I can’t help but walk through the big house, practically a mansion, in awe knowing it’s mine and I get to share it with nine amazingly nice boys, and my unborn baby. I finish some last minute things in the nursery before leaving the house and going back to my bland little home. I now have security guards for protection now that I am big enough not to be able to hide anymore. They go everywhere with me which is basically to my house or the new house. They stand outside watching for suspicious behavior around my house. Today they were acting a little weird but I brushed it off. Sehun comes home in four days, I think to myself. Nowadays he is the only thing on my mind, well other than getting this baby out of me and into this world.

I walk into the house and set my keys on the hook. I can hear B/N in the living room on the phone with W/N. Only a few more days until he can go home back to his lover and start a family of his own. I can’t lie though it’s been nice having him around, even when I’m moody and he is no help making it better. The walk to my bedroom seemed longer than usual, the framed pictures of me and B/N, me and Sehun, and  the sonogram picture are at the new house making the hallway a lot more bland. When I opened my bedroom door I did not expect to see a sleeping Sehun on my bed. But oh did he look so precious when he was sleeping.

“Baby” I sing trying to wake the boy up. “Sehunnie” I poke his sides which makes him stir awake. It takes a minute for him to realize his surroundings. “Dang it I wanted to be awake when you got home to properly surprise you” Is the first thing that comes out my boyfriends mouth. “Trust me I am surprised, you aren’t supposed to be here for another four days!” I exclaim shaking him. “No actually I am here on schedule, I lied to you so I could surprise you” He laughs. “I’ve had this planned with your brother for quite sometime” He adds. “Wow thanks B/N!” I yell to the guy in the living room. “You’re welcome” He shouts back.

“We have a party to plan and only three days to do it” Sehun says pulling me down to lie with him. “But first, a well needed nap” He holds me close as if to silently tell me he’s not leaving me for awhile.

December 22nd

Today is the day, the day where everyone is going to get together and find out the gender of my baby. It’s also the first time I am going to meet Sehun’s parents, and his to meet mine. We are officially moved in and living in the new house but everyone stays away from the nursery so they don’t get any ideas on what the gender of the baby is.

The boys have been getting us clothes and little things that SM hasn’t already provided us. They are almost as excited as me and Sehun. Life is becoming one big dream that I hope I never have to wake up from. “Y/N, and my little cantaloupe of course, ready for the day?” Sehun stands in the doorway of our master bathroom. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is the happiest person. “Yes, yes I am” I giggle running a hand over my protruding stomach. Everyone was standing at the bottom of the rather large, and expensive can’t forget expensive, staircase. Joonmyun, Minseok, Yixing, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin all there staring up at me. “Now now, let's not treat me like I’m the queen making her big entrance” I joke as I descend the stairs.

“But you are, and you rock it” Minseok kisses my hand. “Kiss up” I wink. “Is there going to be a fight to the death on who’s the best uncle?” I ask looking at the eight boys staring at me. Just then the front door opens, “Good luck with that boys, I think the true brother beats all of you” B/N says. “Big brother” I call out giving him a hug. “Let’s get this party started?”

Despite the cold weather outside, we had a warm time inside with hot chocolate, cookies and of course you can’t forget cupcakes. Everyone is here now, Sehun’s parents, my parents, both my siblings and their significant others, and the boys. “Y/N someone wants to meet you” Sehun guides me over to his parents. They both light up at the sight of me. “Y/N, it’s so move to finally meet you” Mrs. Oh says excitedly. “Yes, finally put a face to a name” Mr. Oh adds. “She’s very important to me. I love her” Sehun looks down at me with the most loving look. “Well I would assume so considering you spent your break with her and not your parents” His father pokes fun at his son. We talk for a few more moments when my parents come over and introduce themselves as well.

“We should probably began the reveal”Joonmyun comes up behind me and Sehun. “Okay, let's do it” Sehun says excitedly rubbing his hands together. This is it I think.

“Can I get everyone’s attention, we are going to reveal the gender of the Oh-Y/L/N baby” Joonmyun announces.He pulls out two lightsabers from behind his back. “This year was the one year anniversary of Lightsaber so as the reveal, Sehun and Y/N will press the on button on the lightsabers, blue for boy or red for girl since they sadly don’t make pink lightsabers”Joonmyun hands the white lightsabers to us. Everyone has their phones out to catch this moment.

“Now wait were you going to reveal the gender without me?” Mina says on the entryway of the living room. I drop the lightsaber and waddle over to my best friend. “I’m so glad you are here!” I hug her so tight. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” She says, “Now let’s see what kind of baby you are having” She nudges me back to Sehun.

“3 2 1” We shout. Just then Sehun and I press the on button on the lightsabers light up to reveal the blue color. The room erupts into loud cheering, the boys jump on Sehun, and the moms and Mina come up to me and hug me. A boy...wow I can definitely say I wasn’t expecting that. “Okay before we start partying I have a gift for all the soon to be uncles” I announce. I go and get the nine boxes and hand them out to the boys and my brother. “Okay open them” The boys all open the boxes at the same time and unfold the shirt. They get all rowdy for the second time around.  The party goes on and we all calm down. The rest of the party all of us talk about names and so on.

March 29th

Waking up in pain is never fun, but this isn’t normal pain, it’s contractions, and its also 3:23am. “Sehun wake up” I shake him awake. “What, what’s wrong?” He sits up. “It’s time, he’s coming” I can’t help but laugh at how quick Sehun’s expression changes. Suddenly he’s running around the room like a headless chicken. He’s speaking incoherently as he grabs the hospital bag and decent clothes to change into. He then tosses an outfit to me to put on with a ‘Hurry I wanna meet my son.’ This is the first time I’ve ever seen hims so alert in the morning.

As I walk downstairs and to the car Sehun is banging on everyone of the members bedrooms to wake them up too. Sehun comes outside and hops in the car, a few of the boys follow him out and get into our car or their own car. The ride to the hospital is short and we get checked in quickly. “Y/N you’re surprisingly already dilated to a five” Dr. Jung says as she enters the very spacious birthing room. “It says you only want Sehun, His mother, and your brother in here when you begin to push is that correct?’ She asks me. I nod in response currently going through a contraction.  Sehun helps me breathe through a few more contractions before Dr. Jung comes back into the room to give me the epidural.

“Your baby boy seems to be ready to come out” She says thirty minutes later. Now it’s just Sehun, His mom, and B/N in the room. All the boys and my parents are sitting in the waiting room. I start pushing and everyone encourages me telling me the progress I am making. After six long pushes, Oh Jaemin is born weighing seven pounds five ounces and 19 inches. Sehun cried, I cried, hell everyone was crying. After everything calmed down the boys came in pairs three’s to see Jaemin. A lot of them cried too, especially Joonmyun, Chanyeol, and Jongin.  

One Year Later

Sehun’s POV

It got out quickly that Y/N and I had a kid once they saw us leaving the hospital a few days after Jaemin’s birth. Today is his birthday, he is one now and still the best thing to ever happen to me and Y/N. We all get dressed and head to the ice cream shop downtown to enjoy some ice cream as a family in celebration of Jaemin’s life. Jongin, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol tag along too. I held Jaemin as Y/N fed him vanilla ice cream, his favorite flavor, I think he got that from me. Baekhyun and Chanyeol snap pictures and post them to Instagram. Y/B and I make birthday posts about Jaemin.

Instagram

We head home to start setting up the birthday party in the huge back yard of our house. All the families are going to be there to celebrate and hang out. We are on the last couple months of the Exo’rdium tour and we have this little bit of time to be at home with our families. I may also have something planned for the last concert.

We barbecue up some hot dogs and hamburgers, pour some lemonade and bask in the nice weather. Y/N brings out the cake singing happy birthday. I hold Jaemin as he blows out the candles, really I do it. “Let’s eat cake!” I call. Everyone gets cake and sits around to talk and play with Jaemin.

“Sehun Y/N, when do you two plan on marrying?” Y/N’s mother asks. In the corner of my eye I can see her father perk up. “Soon,” I speak up. “With me being on tour and Y/N taking care of Jaemin I think we sort of forgot but I am working on it” I place my hand on Y/N’s knee. My parents and hers give us approving looks. “I’ll hold you to that” Y/N and her father say at the same time. Shaking my head I laugh.

May 28th

Today is the last concert for Exo’rdium, it’s sad to be honest. But everyone is here for us and we are so ready to give them a show. We start with a high energy MAMA remix to get the crowd hyped up. After a little we all sit down to do our acoustic moment. My Lady is first, I run back stage to fetch Y/N and Jaemin. Did you think they wouldn’t be here? Watching their boyfriend and dad on stage? I carry Jaemin out on stage while holding Y/N’s hand leading her to where the rest of the boys sit.

Jongdae takes Jaemin as Y/N and I sit in front facing the crowd. The boys start singing My Lady as I hold onto her. After a minute they sing quieter as I pull her to stand up with me. “Y/F/N, you’re my lady, the mother of my child and the love of my life. But most of all, my best friend. We’ve had so much fun raising Jaemin but we’ve also had some pretty hard times and the fact that we’ve overcome each and every one of them proves that we are meant to be together. Will you make me the happiest man and marry me?” I’m now down on one knee ring in hand and Y/N is tearing up.

“If you say no you’ll have some pretty unhappy exo-ls on your hands, isn’t that right exo-ls” Baekhyun calls out. Exo-ls yell yes back to him. “Of course I will, Sehun” She says and I pick her up and spin around. The arena erupts in happy yelling. “They’re getting hitched!” Jongdae yells. I kiss Y/N ever so passionately. We carry on with the rest of the acoustic part of the show with Y/N and Jaemin on stage. In fact she got to see me sing some of Baekhyun’s part in ‘Sing For You’. And I guess you could say the rest was a happily ever after.

[my-emotional-self]

Truth or Dare Gone Right Part 4/4

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 3,025

Warnings: Fluff, swearing and Smut…so much smut!  

Ratings: Mature

Summary: Being the personal assistant to the Avengers wasn’t all that bad, except your huge crush on Steve made you turn into mush. On your annual game night, Tony insists you play Truth or Dare.  It seems as if a few people already know your secret and they are trying to hook you up with Steve.

A/N: Here is what you have been waiting for lovelies!!  I hope you enjoy :)

 You didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, your mind constantly racing with thoughts of going on a date with Steve.  At the beginning of the night, you were pretty mad at your friends because it seemed as if they were all plotting against you.  But in the end, you realized how amazing they truly were, as they finally got you to open yourself up to Steve, and now you were going on a date this afternoon with him.  

You stretched your muscles, a moan escaping your mouth from your bones cracking.  Looking at the clock you realized you had slept in until 11am. You jumped out of bed and headed to the shower knowing you wanted to take your time shaving.  You knew Steve was pretty old-fashioned when it came to his beliefs, so you weren’t 100% sure how the night was going to end; but you knew how you wanted it to end; Steve ravishing you in bed.  

Once done with your shower, you had a couple of hours to do your hair, makeup, and find something to wear. You dried your hair with the blow dryer and decided to leave it down and natural; your hair flowed down to the middle of your back in slight waves.  You didn’t want to be too extreme with your makeup so you kept it simple with a dusting of light grey eyeshadow, mascara, and Chap Stick.  Since it was autumn and you were keeping your fingers crossed that Steve paid attention when you explained your perfect date, you planned around that.  You put on a long black sweater that went down to your thighs and paired it with dark grey leggings and black knee high boots.  

Now that you were ready, all you had to do was wait.  You tried to keep yourself busy by finding something to watch, but your thoughts were too distracted with excitement for your date.  At 1:30pm there was a knock on your door.  You trudged over and opened it to see Steve standing there with a bouquet of beautiful lilies, your favorite flower.  Your face lit up in a Cheshire cat grin as you asked him to come inside.  

“These are for you” Steve said as he handed you the flowers.  You instantly brought them to your face and inhaled their truly magnificent scent.  “Thank you Steve, lilies are my favorite” you beamed at him.  “I’m sorry for being early, I was actually uhh…really excited for today and I didn’t want to wait any longer” he said with a small laugh. You turned to face him and gave him a soft smile, “don’t worry about it; I was eagerly waiting for you to get here.” The two of you stood there, staring into each-others’ eyes for a few more minutes before Steve pipped up, “Are you ready to head out?”  You nodded with enthusiasm at his question and he raised his hand for you to take.  

You walked hand in hand with Steve as you made your way to the lower level and headed towards the garage.  Steve let go of your hand as he reached his motorcycle and you couldn’t help but let out a small giggle; he was paying attention.  He handed you a helmet as he got in his motorcycle.  As you clasped it the helmet on tight, he reached for your hand to steady you as you climbed on behind him.  “Umm….where…where should I put my hands?” you asked a bit nervous, never having rid a motorcycle before.  He gave you a hearty laugh as his arms leaned behind him to grab onto your hands, and he placed them around his torso.  “Right here”, he said as he leaned his head around to see you, “hold on as tight as you want to.”  His words made you blush as you bit down on your lower lip.  

Steve started the bike and before you knew it, you were on the streets of New York City, the cool breeze bracing your face.  After driving around for about an hour, Steve parked the motorcycle in front of a diner and you two headed inside.  You ordered your food to go, and made your way down the road a bit before crossing the street into Central Park.  Steve stopped in front of a Sycamore Maple Tree, his eyes asking for your approval with a grin.  “It’s perfect” you stated eagerly.  The leaves were a beautiful mixture of oranges and reds and it painted a perfect picture.  

You enjoyed a wonderful lunch in the park with Steve, enjoying each other’s company and getting to know one another.  With every passing minute, it was as if the nervousness and shyness eased out of both of you; each becoming more comfortable with each other.  It felt remarkable after all the years of pining for him but being too shy to do or say anything.  Now here you were, on your absolute perfect first date with the man you had fantasized about for years.  He was even more eye-opening the more you learned about him, and he felt the same way about you.  Apparently he had been secretly longing to make a move on you for quite some time also. Steve stole kisses on your cheek and forehead throughout the entire date and while you never thought you would like simple gestures like that, it actually turned you on a little bit.  

The sun was starting to set as the two of you rode back to the tower on his motorcycle.  You really didn’t want the night to end, having spent such a flawless day with Steve.  Like the true gentlemen the Steve Rogers was, he walked you all the way to your door. You placed your key in the lock to unlock your door and started to open it.  You turned around to face him, a sexy smile appearing on your face. “Would you like to come in for a little bit?”  Steve smiled at your question, “I would love to.”

You entered your room as Steve was close behind you.  Barely having the door shut, Steve turned you around pushed you against the door, his lips on yours immediately.  A moan left your lips at once from the abruptness of it all.  You had never seen this side of Steve unless he was gearing up for a mission; you had always loved how dominant he was in his Captain America suit.  You reached your arms up and around his neck to pull him closer as his hands found their way to your hips.  He used his strength to pull you towards him, your panties getting wet by the second.  Steve deepened the kiss and you opened to let his tongue find yours.  Your tongues battled for dominance but you soon gave up and conceded to Steve.  The kiss slowed and you took the opportunity to take his plump bottom lip and nibble on it.  You were rewarded with a fierce growl from him and it sent shivers through your body.  Pulling away you both were panting, trying to catch your breath.  “I have to say Steve, I’m loving this dominant side of you” you said playfully.  

“Get used to it doll” he rasped out as he gripped your hips with force and lifted you up.  You instinctively wrapped your legs around his torso and he dove back in, attacking your neck with greedy kisses.  Your hands reached for his head and scratched his scalp in earnest as a deep sigh left your mouth.  His lips left a trail of fire in their wake.  You rocked your hips against him to build up pressure; a pooling of heat at your core.  Steve let out another growl in between him biting your neck.  “Eager are we?” he asked, his voice the husky tone you loved. You gripped onto his hair to pull him from your neck, “Steve, I’ve waited years for you…..so yeah I may be a bite eager.”  An alluring smile appeared on his lips, eyes filled with passion.  “I’m in the same boat here Y/N.”

With ease, he walked you over to your bed where he placed you on the ground in front of it.  He clutched the end of your sweater as his eyes asked for your permission.  One nod was all it took as he lifted it over your head; you raised your arms so it was easier for him to get the garment off.  You didn’t waste any time to do the same for him, and soon you were both standing there shirtless, admiring each other.  You had never seen him shirtless before and you couldn’t help but gawk at his perfectly toned chest and stomach.  

Steve took a small step toward you as he grabbed your hair and pulled it to one side of your shoulder. His mouth laid gentle kisses on your bare shoulder as his hands unclasped your bra.  His fingers trailed lightly down your spine and you had to grip onto his sides for support, his touch making you shudder.  You inhaled his scent, being so close to his bare chest and started peppering him with kisses.  You made your way to his neck and started to suckle at his pulse point. You felt his breathing quicken at your gesture so you kept on.  His arms now encircling you, holding you to him and you could feel his rock hard erection against your stomach.  “I need to feel you” he mewled and you pulled away from him.  

He held onto your shoulders as he gently pushed you down onto the bed.  You lay back onto the bed as your feet were still on the floor and tried to control your breathing as much as you could.  Steve knelt down to his knees and you felt him grab your right foot and unzip your boot.  He did the same to your left and then made his way up to you.  He gave you a ravenous kiss that you didn’t want to end and too soon he pulled away.  His hands seized the waist band of your leggings and he tugged them off.  Giving him a sultry smile, you moved back on the bed until your head met the pillows.  

Steve took off his pants before crawling onto your bed and settling in beside you.  You quickly turned to straddle him as your mouth devoured his.  You ground your hips down onto him and Steve moaned into your mouth as his hands gripped your thighs.  You increased your speed, rocking back and forth as you pulled away from Steve’s mouth; his erection hitting your aching clit perfectly.  You were a moaning mess and just about to cum when Steve pulled you off of him; you whimpered at the loss of touch at your core.  “No Y/N” Steve declared with authority, “you don’t get to cum unless my cock is in you, my fingers are in you, or my mouth is attached to you.  Do you understand?”  Holy fucking hell, your body felt like it burst into flames under his gaze and the tone of his voice.  You didn’t think it possible to get any more turned on but Steve proved that wrong.  “Yes Steve” you whimpered out.  “That’s my good girl” he cooed.  You felt yourself drip even more from his praise to you.

His hand grasped your hair to pull your head to the side as his mouth found your neck again.  As his hand let go of your hair, it trailed down to play with one of your nipples and your back arched off the bed.  “Fuck Steve that feels good” you gasped as he continued his teasing.  The only noise in the room was your breathy moans and Steve’s wet kisses and suckles on your neck.  You knew you would have many marks in the morning but you didn’t even care.  

His hand left your nipple and trailed to where you wanted him most.  You bucked your hips in the direction of his hand to get him there faster; his low rumble of laughter flooding your ears.  He finally reached the band of your panties and you let out a sigh as he teased you there, running his fingers back and forth. “Need…you….now” you mumbled out. That was all Steve needed to hear as his fingers dipped into your panties.  A groan escaped his lips, “Fuck doll, did I make you this wet?”  His finger pressed down on your clit and you let out a strangled cry.  His hand pulled out of your panties and you whined at the loss.  “Are you going to answer me Y/N?” the authority back in his tone. “Yes…yes only you make me this wet Steve” you stated in a sultry tone.  His hand moved back into your panties and dipped lower to your opening. “Do you like being my good girl?” he questioned as he dipped a lengthy finger into your pussy.  “FFuuuckkk…yes…yes I love being your good girl.” He bent his finger at the right angle, hitting your sweet spot, and you became incoherent. A few thrusts and you were coming harder than you ever had in the past; toes curled and back arched as you screamed Steve’s name.  

As you came down from your peak, you noticed Steve had already ripped your underwear off and was nestled in between your thighs.  You lifted your head up just in time to see him give you a sexy grin before his mouth claimed your clit.  You collapsed back onto the bed as your hands fisted the sheets.  “You taste so sweet doll” Steve stated as he inserted two fingers into you, his mouth quickly back on your nub.  Your right hand unwrapped from around the sheets to grasp his hair and he moaned at your gesture, spurring him on.  Your knees started to quiver as you felt your second orgasm start. “Ohgodohgod yesSteveyesyesyes” you wailed as your orgasm rippled through your body forcefully.  Steve kept his fingers in you, coaxing you down from your high before gently removing them; you felt empty afterwards.  

You lay there, completely spent as Steve made his way back up to you.  Turning your head to him, you gave him a small chuckle.  “Where the hell did you learn that!” you exclaimed. He shrugged as he let out a laugh, “the internet has taught me a lot.  Well, and Bucky too.”  A giggle escaped your mouth as he explained himself.

You got up and crept down to his erection tented in his briefs.  Gripping his briefs, you slowly pulled them off him as you kissed his legs back up; Steve humming in approval.  You cupped his balls gently as your other hand gripped the base of his cock. Keeping eye contact with Steve, you wet your lips before your tongue circled his tip; tasting his salty pre-cum. He jerked his hips at your ministrations as you gave soft open mouth kisses down the underside of his dick.  Feeling satisfied with your teasing, you opened your mouth wide and took as much of him as you could.  Not only was he long, he was thick and it made it challenging for you. Taking your right hand, you spit into it and gripped it at his base again, using your hand to tug and twist what your mouth couldn’t reach.  “Damn doll that feels wonderful” Steve panted out.  A few more motions of your hand and mouth were all it took before Steve made you stop.  “I want to cum inside that tight pussy of yours.”  

He gripped your hips and you let out a squeal of delight as he moved you under him.  Steve used his legs to part your own and your heart beat quickened.  He gripped his cock and rubbed the head up and down your wet slit earning a moan from both of you.  Steve slowly started to push through your tight walls.  Once finally sheathed fully inside you, you let out the breath you were holding.  Steve leaned his head down onto yours as his breath fanned your face.  “You’re so tight Y/N, you feel so good.”  You desperately wanted him to start moving, so you rocked your hips for him to get the hint.  His head still resting on yours, he started thrusting slowly to open you up some more.  “Faster Steve” you whined out to him.  He picked up the pace; all that was heard were your labored breathing and skin slapping skin.  You gripped onto his back, nails digging in and he growled into your ear.  He got up onto his knees as he hitched your leg behind him, keeping his hold onto it.  From this angle, he got even deeper and made you feel fuller if at all possible. “Are you close” he raggedly said and you nodded your response.  Using his other hand, his thumb found your clit as he rubbed in circles. “YESYESYES” you screamed out; right on the edge of another orgasm.  Steve’s thrusts became sloppy and soon you two were coming together.  Your walls clenching his dick and milking him of his seed.

Steve collapsed onto you, using his arms to hold him up and not crush you as your arms wrapped around his back again.  You were both glistening with sweat as you lay in each other’s’ embrace.  He gave you a tender kiss as he pulled out of you and you winced at the loss.  “I can’t believe we haven’t done that sooner” Steve said with a laugh.  You turned to face him, giving him a playful smile. “Oh I know” you agreed, “but I was waiting for you to ask me out on a date.”  Steve raised his hands to cup his eyes as he shook with laughter.  “Well, I think we have some friends we need to thank for helping us along” you stated with a grin.  “They can wait” he said before cupping your face and giving you a longing kiss, “I want more time with you first.”  You squealed as he lifted you on top of him as you felt his dick ready for round two.

Tag List: @evansfanficweekly @iamwarrenspeace @castellandiangelo @white-chocolate-mocha-fan @ginger-wayward-assbutt @crystallimythium @patzammit @potterhead1265 @wowiebro @marvelimagines-for-all @heyjess-marie @icespark1298 @winenighthoe @nadtandy @valentinesbird @miss-cap21 

[workforitandjustdoit]

It still feels surreal to think that I’ve just competed at Ironman 70.3 World Championship. While the result and the race were not what I wanted or expected. It’s hard to feel bummed about it given that it was an amazing experience. I will go in the negative and the lessons later on, but let’s focus on the positive and the experience first! I haven’t thought about what I’m going to write exactly, but I can guarantee you it will be a long read! So feel free to scroll for the pictures or just the race day recap further down, if not, grab a snack and carry on!

Pre-race

We left for Chattanooga Thursday afternoon, the plan was to land early night in Atlanta, sleep there and build my bike at the hotel before driving to Chattanooga on Friday morning. The plane was 1h30 late, so safe to say that I crashed as soon as we got to the hotel, while my boyfriend was watching the Patriots game (because we ain’t going to miss that no matter what!) Both of us forgot to put our alarm the next morning, but thanks to me not being able to sleep past 8am we were only 45min late. I got in a massive carb-loaded breakfast and we hit the road. Traffic was heavy with all the Floridian evacuating but we made it to the expo with plenty of time to check in, meet up with some friends … oh and buy a new helmet, because yes I forgot mine… I then went back to the hotel room to build my bike. (in 15minutes!! Am I a pro yet) I went for a quick spin to test everything out. Looked like it worked well, only had a little problem shifting to my easiest gear, which was 100% needed given the cat2 climb I would have to bike up the next day. I fixed it (or thought I did) and brought my bike and gear bags to the transition before went back to the room relax for the rest of the day.

  Dropping the bag and bike

The squad

Boston Airport

We walked a lot on Friday, going to and from the transition, getting everything ready … and my foot was definitely not liking it, so after we were all done I iced it and we went to dinner. Lights out at 9pm, it’s definitely an advantage to be a grandma/going to bed at 9:30pm in my daily life, because going to bed at 9pm and falling asleep was not a problem!

Race day

The race had a later start and as per usual, I was one of the last wave, with an 8:49am start. That mean waking up at 5:50 to get in my breakfast (instead of 4:30am in Maine two weeks prior!) Ate the usual banana, oatmeal, peanut butter breakfast, some water and then we walked to the transition zone.

  Tire pressure checked, power meter checked, nutrition and hydration on the bike, all good to go. I watched the women pro start before finding a place to sit down while waiting for my start and try and enjoy the moment while my nerve were getting the best of me. The emotion kicked in as I was walking towards my start, but I held everything in and found my way to the swim corral where I got to meet Rachael and Steve who managed to get my mind off the race for a second and calm my nerves! Thank you!

Swim

Looking at the swim course and pretending to be calm…

The swim course was in the Tennessee River and obviously made harder because it’s worlds. (pretty much the theme of the day for this course) We had to swim, perpendicular to the current then up current for half the length of the swim and then back to the finish. The start was a dive start, it was pretty cool. I felt like a pro until I looked at the pictures and saw that I looked ridiculous diving… oups! (order of events below, I’m in first plan diving)

  The first part was fine I kept a hard pace to warm up and catch some feet (which didn’t happen) as soon as we hit the current part I started zigzagging like never before and even though I kept a pace which was an harder effort than usual I wasn’t moving fast. I just knew by then that it was going to be a long swim and a long day in general. The sun was blinding and I could barely see the yellow buoy, thus the not so straight swim, but I kept pushing until we hit the next turn. Then it became fun and I felt like I was flying. I guess the good thing about struggling up current for 20min is going with it afterwards! I finished the swim, almost tripped on the stairs on the way out, thank god for the volunteer and ran to transition.

Somewhere out there swimming against the current

Nutrition: Pre swim, 1 gel

Bike

Again why would we go around the mountain when we can just climb it right… I jumped on my bike only to realize that my power meter was not working. I’ve never been one to actually base my race on exact number, nor am I good at it, but for the climb I wanted to have it to make sure I wasn’t burning too many matches. Well that wasn’t going to happen, second resort was heart rate, and well my watch didn’t want to give me that either… I was at around 80 beats per minute in the middle of the climb, that didn’t make any sense. Having realized that, I figure I would just go by feel, which is what I usually do. (even though I will have to learn to use those numbers in the future because they do make you race better)

After about 10-15 minutes of flat terrain we hit the first steep portion. As I was about to shift on my easiest gear my bike made a weird noise and refused to go on it. Well that’s fun I immediately told myself… Can’t go on my easiest gear and I’m about to climb for almost an hour… Let’s just say that I had to stand to pedal in certain portion because it was so steep, and I couldn’t push hard enough. The last km of the Lookout Mountain climb was really fun because the view was breathtaking and there was so many spectators cheering, playing music, and encouraging you.

Google image, but one of the view point from the climb

However, since Thursday, a week and a half ago I’ve been having pain on the bottom, exterior of my right foot when I walk, run or climb on the bike. I iced it all week, limited my walking and running and felt ok starting the race, but as soon as I started climbing I felt the pain coming back. The good thing is the pain appeared immediately but stayed consistent and did not get worse throughout the bike portion. In the first half,  I mostly drank my bottle with concentrated sport nutrition in it because it was hard to get a long enough time to chew something with all that climbing. I also got in a gel and ate half of my energy bar.

Then the descent came and it was the best part of the ride, for obvious reasons. I love going fast downhill on my bike and it was a long descent with no sharp turns, as oppose to the Austria Worlds course in 2015 where they had to put gigantic gymnastic mat to prevent people from going over the guard rail and fall hundreds of feet… The rest of the bike portion was eventless apart from a car or two that where stuck in the middle of us. Some girls took advantage of it and drafted behind them for a minute or two… I mean why not! That’s not against the rules. At around mile 45 my legs started to hurt and were lacking power and energy, I was starting to feel the Ironman 70.3 I had done 13 days ago. I knew by then it was going to be a struggle to push. I got another gel down with some Gatorade, water and base salt, as it was also getting hot. I tried my best to keep it consistent until I hit the dismount line at the transition zone. And, as I put my right foot down the pain radiated through my entire leg and from then until the end of the run it got progressively worse with pain from the foot all the way to the ankle and calf.

Nutrition: 2.5 bottles of water, 1 bottle of concentrated Gatorade, 3 gels, 1 Fastbar and a few base salt licks.

T2: I had such scary expectations about the bike and swim portion. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it or do very poorly, so when I reach the transition zone, it was such a relief. Plus running (even when it’s not going well) is my favorite part!

Run

Right out of Transition

The run portion was a two loop course with plenty of aid station, hills, shade, spectators and change in terrain to make it interesting. It started with long uphill past the transition zone, the finish line and under the 2 bridges we would later run on. Then we ran in an isolated and shady wooden bike path, which was nice and quiet, something I need and crave when I’m racing and suffering. We then had to run up onto a bridge to cross the river and finally come back to start the second loop. I loved the loop and even though it was challenging it was great. I wish my right foot and ankle hadn’t been in so much pain and that my body had been fully recovered from Ironman 70.3 Maine so that I could have ran the run up to my standards and fitness level, but nevertheless it was fun (Type II fun obviously).

The first loop started well I was going at the prescribed heart rate. (Yes my watch decided to work once I started running…who knows) I was drinking one cup of water and 1 cup of Gatorade at each aid station, throwing a few on my head, and eating one cliff block every 2 miles or so. After the first long uphill out of transition, I got into a good rhythm and slowly caught up on girls in my age group one by one. I always get passed on the bike and do the passing on the run, which is what happened again. (Just another reminder that I need to work on my bike this off season) My boyfriend managed to be on each of the bridges for both loops which was a nice little relief every time. As I started the second loop my foot got progressively worst and I started feeling pain in my ankle and the nerve in my calf, I slowed down a little more but tried to keep my running form as relaxed and good as possible. The hills on the second loop felt steeper and longer but I couldn’t stop smiling (ok I was probably grimacing, but smiling inside) because I was about to finish my third Ironman 70.3 World Championship, and no matter the results, the pain, I had worked hard to be there and was doing something I love.

Some well needed distraction from the speedo sandwich throughout the run!

The pain, as it always does subsided for those few moments where I could hear the spectators at the finish line. I accelerated the pace on the last bridge and turn to the finish line. The crowd lining the chute helped me “sprint” on the red carpet and I finished the race happy, tired and ready to improve and work hard for next season.

Nutrition: As much water as I could get, 1 bottle of Gatorade (approx.), 4 clif blocks

A few numbers:

Swim:    Time: 36:39       Elevation: 0                            Rank: 45th

Bike:      Time: 3:02:54    Elevation: 3442ft (1049m)  Rank: 41st

Run:      Time: 1:48:32     Elevation: 975ft (297m)       Rank: 25th

Total race time:  5:33:45        Rank: 33th/80 in AG and 1st F18-24 Canadian

The volunteer at the finish line were amazing, they were immediately in your face trying to judge if I was OK, while wasn’t even sure myself. After gathering my thoughts I managed to moan an “I’m OK”. Then a reporter with a camera twice as large as my head asked me a few questions, and to be perfectly honest I don’t even remember what they were and what I said. Apparently I was in the closing video at the banquet so let’s hope I didn’t sound or look stupid and I can get my hands on this video to be the judge of that…!

Now that I’ve had a few days to think about the race and recover, (haven’t done anything in 3 days and I’m going crazy, I don’t like off season much, but my body and head need it) a few things came to my mind. This year, Worlds was my season “A” goal and race, and I wanted to be competitive in my age group in a stack field. Even though that didn’t happen it was worth every single training day, early morning, nonalcoholic beverages at the bar and missed party.

Looking back maybe I should not have raced Maine 13 days before, I know I wasn’t fully recovered when I stepped on the dock waiting for the horn. But racing with my parents and my brother meant more to me than anything and I don’t regret it.  I also didn’t run to my potential due to my foot. Finally, the last months as been really hard mentally, with every workout grueling and requiring my entire motivation to get it done. It was a long season. With my move to Boston, grad school and the start of a new job, my triathlon training and races tested me in every possible way, but I will come back to that in my end of season blog post. In the meantime I’m going to rest and make a plan for fall and the off-season, because I really want to run another marathon.

It’s a wrap

A huge thanks to:

My parents. Although they were not able to be at this race, because they were racing (valid reason) they are always behind me 100% in anything I do. I cannot begin to tell you how lucky I am to have them and share my passion with them. And I probably will never tell them enough how thankful I am.

All of my friends who support me and encourage me in triathlon and life! The one that train with me and the one that force me to do other thing than just train.

Spencer for encouraging me each day to be my best, coming with me at my races and being the best photographer. Keeping me grounded and bringing me back to reality once in a while.

E3coaching/team and Jorge for the great year of coaching, the advice, listening to me complain about my poor workouts and helping me get better.

Thank you to everyone who makes my journey possible and for taking a minute (OK maybe 10..) to read about my journey.

Ironman 70.3 Worlds Championships – September 9th, 2017 It still feels surreal to think that I’ve just competed at Ironman 70.3 World Championship. While the result and the race were not what I wanted or expected.

[meetmeonthecourse]

In Order to Succeed, We Must First Believe That We Can

What a weekend. 

Matt and I headed down to AC Saturday around 9:45am after picking up some breakfast along the way. We arrived at Bader Field around 12:15pm and went straight to athlete check-in. I love athlete expos, there’s so many products, gadgets, and fun gear to look at (every marketer’s dream)…Matt on the other hand not so much. I dropped my bike in the transition area after we checked in and I received my transition bracelet (the kind that doesn’t come off). Fun fact for those who don’t know what a transition area is. It’s the area that all the triathletes go into twice during a race (between the swim and bike & between the bike and run,). You get one teeny tiny area to yourself where you get to lay out all your gear. I got lucky because the girl next to me didn’t show so I had a LOT of room (for my gels :) )! 

After my bike was in, Rick showed up to the race. Rick is a friend from home who I’ve done several triathlons and ocean mile swims with. He did Ironman Lake Placid last year and has taught me A LOT. Mainly, about the bike and little tricks and trades during the races. When I told him that I signed up for this race, he signed up right away to join me. 

Matt went to check-in to the hotel while Rick and I stayed for the athlete briefing. During the briefing, the race Director goes over the course, rules and regulations, do’s and don’t etc. This race is regulated by the USA Triathlon Association so there are several big rules athletes need to abide by (no littering-trash only goes in certain areas, stay 6 bikes lengths behind the bike in front of you, pass on the right, if you are going to pass it must be done in 25 seconds, etc.). 

After the briefing, we headed to the Tropicana hotel and had a really nice dinner with my parents at the Palms. Post-dinner we headed out to gamble (aka my dad and Matt while my mom and I watched). AC is a fun place to hold a race. There were so many interesting people there, I could have people watched all night and in the morning, all those zombies were still out. By 8:30pm I was ready to go to bed. Matt and my dad stayed up to watch football– to which I was a bit relieved so I could head upstairs and organize my race bag for the next day. I put my race tattoos on (one on each arm and my age on my left calf). I went to bed around 10pm but couldn’t fall asleep for about an hour because I was attempting to not think about racing…..which made me just think about things more. 

I woke up at 4:30am and was downstairs by 5am just in time for Rick to pick me up. We arrived to the lot a couple minutes later and parked with ease. The transition area was PACKED. There were 2474 total participants in the race and it’s also noted as the #1 largest Triathlon in the US. I got to my area and set out all my things. I also placed my tracker on my ankle. It’s basically the same thing that you wear on house-arrest, except this one has velcro and sponge padding. 

The transition area closed 20 minutes prior to the race start, so we grabbed our wetsuits, swim caps, and goggles and headed to the area outside the transition area. The race decided this year to have the swim be a rolling start. Instead of people being seeded by their age, athletes get to decide when they start based on how fast they think they will complete the swim. I chose 26-35 minutes and went in the middle of the pack on the outside left-hand side since the course planned to have us all keep the buoys on our left-hand side at all times. When it was my turn, I walked to the edge of the dock and jumped in at the beep with 4 other swimmers. The swim was amazing (I now love a rolling start). The buoys were clearly marked and because we were in the bay there wasn’t a huge current at all, just a little one on the turnaround. A few people swam into me but for the most part I was cruisin along. Towards the end of the swim, I didn’t swim in a straight line because my goggles fogged up a bit, but all-in-all I could still see everything to some degree. 

I exited the water and ran up through the inflated swim finish marker. Matt, my dad and mom were cheering as I came out and into the transition area. As I ran, I stripped down to my racing suit, threw on my helmet, gloves, sock, bike shoes, threw the gels in my pocket, grabbed my bike and off I went. 

The bike course was 56 miles. A tip Rick gave me early on was to keep a high cadence so that I didn’t tire out my legs too quickly. Since this course was flat and fast, it proved to be a great tool. I enjoyed 2.5 loops around the Atlantic City Expressway into Pleasantville. It was a really enjoyable ride and actually went by a lot quicker than I thought. To pass the time, I played a few games: guess riders age before looking at their calf, sing-along, thank the volunteers, eat my gels, drink water and electrolytes, try to do athlete math in my head to calculate my race time (it’s hard!), and not freak out when I saw someone with a flat. While on the ride, I received a lot of compliments on my new bike! That was very nice :) My nutrition worked wonders and kept me going the entire time (ill talk about that breakdown later in the post). 

Once the ride was over, I went back into the transition area and dropped my bike, changed my socks, threw on my sneakers, hat, and glasses, and ran out. As soon as I ran out I saw Matt, my mom and dad and Matt’s parents Frank and Fedela who I saw on my way in from the ride. They were cheering me on with signs they had made. It made the race that much better to see all of them and really kept me going–especially because I knew I’d get to see them another time on the loop back out that led to the beach. 

Once we were out of Bader Field, we ran down to the AC boardwalk for the last 11 miles. I started out feeling so strong at an 8:30-8:45 mile pace. That pace jumped to 9:30, 10:50 and even 11:06 I’m sad to say. If there was anything during that race that I would’ve done differently, it would have been to start slower. I knew it going in that this was the part a lot of people messed up (or it was going too hard on the bike) but I felt so good for the first few miles that I thought I was fine (completely forgot that I had already been working out for 4 hours). 

The miles did not fly by and man it was HOTT. Luckily we had amazing weather the entire race and it was overcast for most of it with some pockets of sun during the run. Had it been sunny the entire time, we would have been in trouble. The run aid stations were the most important for me since I only carried 2 gels with me. I took water, gatorade, and ice at each one because it was that hott. At one of the aid stations the most amazing volunteer ran behind me–opened my tri-suit and dumped ice down my back. I actually threw ice into my bra and ran with it in there just so happy to be cold for a few seconds. On about mile 6-8 I saw Matt, my parents, and Fedela and Frank. No words were really exchanged this time other than that I was dying a bit more. Matt ran with me for a little down the boardwalk to help lighten my spirits. It helped a lot. It’s hard not to get in your own head when your boiling and your legs are on fire. I tried my best to smile at each person I passed and hold on to that the race would be over soon and I would regret it if I stopped… I didn’t stop once my entire race and I’m so thankful that I didn’t. Had I, it would have broken my zone and definitely changed my race. Throughout the race I repeated several different mantras “I’m strong. Thankful I can race this amazing race. Thankful for my health. I can do this. Don’t stop. All this training. Keep going. This is temporary…etc.”

The last few miles were not fun but I got through them. At mile 11, I met up with a guy named Paul who I ran with from Bader Field down to the beach. He was in his 50s and did an Ironman along with several halves. It was nice to see a familiar face and have someone to run along–anything to distract me. The end of the race was the best feeling. Usually at all my races, I find some extra juice in me to really push it at the finish. I found some and sprinted the last several hundred meters or so. It feels so good to give the last bit of everything you have to finish strong. My time was 6:26… just 4 minutes faster than my goal window of 6:30. As I finished I passed my crew, which gave me an even bigger reason to smile. A volunteer threw two cold towels off me, put my medal on and took of my tracker. It was hard to walk after stopping but I met up with my parents and Matt to take some pictures of my newly earned medal. It felt so good to be done and I was so happy it was over but that I had completed this goal that I set back in February with several injury setbacks along the way. 

After taking pictures, grabbing some ice, and food from the food tent, we were able to watch Rick finish and then head over to grab some real food. I didn’t have very much of an appetite (except a soft pretzel, WAY out of the norm) but it was great to sit down and recount the race for everyone and also get it from their perspective. As an athlete, I can tell you this race was a great one and run extremely efficiently with great volunteers and a race Director. 

All in all, the road to Ironman 70.3 Atlantic City was a rough one with many tears, injuries, and setbacks. 

I’m really grateful that I’ve had Matt by my side the entire time supporting me, driving home early for my training, listening to my crazy training thoughts and gameplan, planning our weekend around training, coming to get me when I had a flat tire in the Bronx, lugging my bike in his car, reminding me to stretch, passing the time while I was training, taking me to the bike shop, reserving our room for the race, purchasing a fancy new bike rack, sourcing the perfect bike pump, and making signs to put a smile on my face. 

I’m so thankful for my parents for their continuous support for this sport that I love, pushing me to be my best, talking me through the times when I’m having seconds thoughts, reminding me to put my health first, waking up early to cheer me on, and supporting me always. And thank you to Frank and Fedela Kessler who drove 6 hours on Sunday just to run around and cheer me on. It helped immensely! .

I’m also thankful for many more people who have helped me get to where I did in this race: My girls Lisa, Lexie, Chiara, Erica, Maria, Nicole, Jackie, Britney, John Mark, Rick, Sam Robin, Michele, Erika Osberg, Dr. Jordan Metzl, Eric Schwartz, Sierra Cycles in Scarsdale, and I’m sure I’m missing a few.  

Now to my Race Day Nutrition!

Pre-Race: 1.5 slices eziekel bread with 1 packet of Justin’s Almond butter, 1 small coffee, 1 vega protein bar, 1 banana, 1 bottle of water with 1 nuun electrolyte tablet. 

Swim: None

Bike: I increased my food intake because I was getting hungry on my training rides (did not want to bonk so had to increase). Every 15 minutes 1 STINGER gel and ¼ of 1 32 oz bottle of water (total of about 10-11 gels). Halfway through the race I ate 1 Stinger waffle (it was amazing!). 

Run: The bike is supposed to prepare you for the run so you don’t really have to eat that much. I took a huge swig of water with nuun at transition. On the run, I took water and gatorade at each station with ice cubes. I also ate 1 gel on mile 6 to keep my energy up. At the last aid station, I took coke because I had to see what all the fuss is about (really I don’t think it did anything). 

Post-race: Pretzel and water, 2 crab cakes, a couple sips of beer, french fries, and ice cream and a banana for dinner (talk about healthy!). 

Can’t wait to see what’s up next, thank you all for the continued support and keeping up with this crazy journey!! <3 <3

[5hfanfiction]

FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 24

Camila (3:13pm): you up?

Camila (3:13pm): can i get my pillow?

Lauren (3:16pm): yeah

Here we go again with the awkwardness and shit. Lauren’s attitude just confirmed what I’d felt in Orlando, the distancing and all that bullshit she made me go through without even realizing it. I didn’t know why she was doing that and with what I knew from her she probably wouldn’t say anything about the topic. She would just carry on as if nothing had happened. She would play out the good friend card at lunch and dinners with the other girls and avoid looking at my face when it wasn’t necessary.

I still had hope though, hope she’d be mature enough and pull her head out of her ass for once. It took me five days of struggling with myself, for the most part, to just not say something to her, because she had to take the first step and I fought every atom of my body to not talk to her about it, to not text her, she owed me at least that explanation, even if it was the last time she owed me something, but five days was all my mind could take.

I even tried to touch the subject on the first days like the understanding person I am, but Lauren was always evasive and shallow and I knew if I didn’t give her a direct ultimatum she would say nothing. But I still had hope. I made two attempts on the day we got back. The first one being when I took my shower (after she’d dropped by with my stuff from her room). I noticed there was a pillow missing from my bed and well, I needed something to hold in my sleep because who can sleep with just one pillow, right? So I texted her, and when I showed up at her door she simply passed me the damn pillow and I turned around without a second glance.

My second attempt happened after we came back from the dining hall, because nothing new, Lauren was still acting pretty weird. Most of the time I felt like bangging her head against a wall, but being the softie that I was (honestly just another word for stupid), I was just really trying to understand her and give the benefit of the doubt while I still had a part of me that wasn’t mad at her yet.

Camila (7:32pm): Laur, is everything okay?

Lauren (9:24pm): more or less, i was talking to paul

Lauren (9:24pm): buuut i don’t wanna talk about that now haha when i feel better i’ll tell you okay?

Lauren (9:24pm): come here so we can watch a movie

Lauren (9:24pm): let’s pick a bloody one

Camila (9:25pm): gimme a few minute

Camila (9:25pm): i’m eating

Camila (9:26pm): yeah, i’ve been feeling you’re weird since we were in orlando and i noticed that you were texting him

Camila (9:26pm): i thought i’d done something or whatever

Camila (9:26pm): but it’s okay

Lauren (9:27pm): no you didn’t do anything

Lauren (9:27pm): not at all

Lauren (9:27pm): sorry

Lauren (9:27pm): it’s been a rough couple of days but i try to hide it so bad

Lauren (9:27pm): hurry up there

Camila (9:30pm): chill

Lauren (9:31pm): that’s not the word of the day

Lauren (9:31pm): hahahaha

Camila (9:31pm): and you know i’m here for anything

Camila (9:31pm): if you don’t want to stay by yourself

Camila (9:31pm): those kinda things

Camila (9:31pm): well you’re gonna have to wait because i’m yet to start eating

Lauren (9:31pm): i knooow <3 <3 thank you so much, really

Lauren (9:31pm): come eat over her please

Lauren (9:31pm): no kidding

Lauren (9:32pm): ally’s already here

Lauren (9:32pm): there’s no problem if you eat here

Camila (9:33pm): i’ll go when i’m done over here

Camila (9:33pm): relax

Lauren (9:33pm): then hurry up kiddo

Lauren (9:33pm): listen

Lauren (9:33pm): did you talk to your mentor?

Camila (9:35pm): no

Camila (9:35pm): she didn’t show up here

Camila (9:35pm): i’ll go there tomorrow

Lauren (9:37pm): right

It was less awkward but it still was. Also, I did notice the fact that she invited Ally too which I’m not saying is a bad thing, but she clearly didn’t want to be alone in the same room with me. In fact, Ally’s presence probably saved us from a bunch of unnecessary stuff, either I would make bitchy comments to provoke her or I’d make a fool of myself for trying to be nice and understanding and a good friend to her while she just pushed me away, probably the latest.

On the second day she didn’t text me and our only encounters were at lunch and diner again. I did have to ask her about some money from the trip that I had on her credit card but it was a brief conversation and it was also the only subject we touched.

On the third day it was all the same, but Lauren wanted to watch some basketball game that was happening on campus and apparently nobody wanted to go with her. Of course I offered to go. Not because I actually wanted to go, because I didn’t and she knew that, or because I wanted to please her so she could come back to my arms like nothing ever happened. But because I knew how sad it was to have no one to accompany you to places, especially when your friends don’t like the same stuff you do. And that’s why I just said that I would think about it after I took a nap because I’d make the sacrifice (it was just a game but one that I didn’t feel like watching, and I had to get up, change, and cross those two parking lots to the other side of the street just to watch those damn guys ballin’, so it really was a sacrifice) for her.

Camila (1:18pm): love, do you want me to go with you?

Lauren (1:19pm): i’m already here camz

Lauren (1:19pm): if you feel like coming then come

Lauren (1:19pm): we’re losing 24 to 7

Lauren (1:19pm):hahaha

Camila (1:21pm): shit

Camila (1:21pm): to go and see them lose is fucked up

Camila (1:22pm): are you feeling better?

Lauren (1:24pm): hahahha you can stay there

Lauren (1:24pm): i think so

Camila (1:26pm): hmm

I didn’t wanna go, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel hurt when Lauren just went without checking with me first. Well, it was something I would do too, but you know, with the whole staying away from me as much as possible thing going on, it hurt. Also, the Lauren from before would never go alone, especially when she had me just waiting to be called and I’d be there for her, when she actually enjoyed my company.

You know when you feel like you’re bothering someone, which is one of the worst feelings ever, and you just have to stop what you’re doing because you feel like they don’t want anything to do with you? That’s what it felt like when that brief conversation happened. First she went alone, and then the topic literally died when I asked if she was feeling better, with the whole Paul thing and probably the reason she was acting like that. She didn’t open up to me, but not satisfied she also didn’t say anything else about anything at all.

Later that day the girls decided to hang out in Ally’s room. I was still shaken by the whole thing and how Lauren was making me feel even with just a stupid basketball game. She sat on Ally’s roommate bed with Dinah and while they were watching some stupid videos and I was in Ally’s bed scrolling through my phone when I came across a picture of my grandmother on facebook.

Well, that was all it took, just one picture for all my resolve to act like I didn’t care about anything to crumble down. The heartbreaking cry that came out of my throat was one that I myself had never seen before. It felt like there was no hope for the world anymore, no love left, everything was dead inside and out and that cry was the only thing I could do and feel at the moment. I felt lonelier than ever, even with my friends right there beside me, I didn’t have any family near and I didn’t have my grandma anymore, I also didn’t have Lauren’s attention and care, the only presence she had in my life was when I ate together with the other girls. I felt small and embarrassed, like any of them could crush me like a was a miserable insect if they wanted to.

I felt so ashamed to cry like that in front of them, not because I don’t cry in front of anybody, but it was like they could see my weakness when nobody was supposed to see, and I felt even worse when the look in their eyes was one of confusion and pity with a hint of annoyance.

Because apparently for them I didn’t have a reason to cry like that. The picture was the trigger I needed to put everything out. I wanted to get out of there, I felt suffocated both literally and figuratively. Ally tried to make me feel better but I wasn’t having it, I needed to be alone and that was both a relief and a curse at the same time, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep and my mind would run like a fucking marathonist, thinking about all the wrong in my life and all the bad feelings I was feeling at the moment, and how there was no hope left and how nobody liked me.

I asked for a medicine, one that would help me to sleep as a collateral effect and of course, the only person who had it was the one that probably the one that made me bottle up all those bad thoughts inside of me, just for them to make their way out in front of other people and in front of the only one that couldn’t see that.

On the fourth day I actually snapped at her. Because Lauren thought she could act like that the whole time and think she had the right to pull jokes on me. My patience was running thin, I was still waiting for her to have an attitude about anything but she still hadn’t, and I was dying to put her against the wall and demand something from her. Time was passing and I was losing my strength to hold myself back.

We were all gathered in her room to decide the final arrangements for our upcoming trip to Iowa, where a few friends from that group chat from the beginning, the one with all the people from the same program we were participating, were housing us for a few days on Christmas and New Year’s. People in the dorm would go home and only international students were allowed to stay, but it was depressing as fuck to spend the holidays there, the dining hall was closing too and we didn’t have a kitchen. So those friends agreed to welcome us in their apartment, which we didn’t have one because we had those lovely dorms and didn’t need anything else.

Lauren had said on the group chat something about me being rude, and although the other people didn’t know me personally so it could come out as a joke, I knew that Lauren meant it when she said that. And I didn’t like it one bit. So I snapped in front of Dinah and Ally and I told her that she had no right in saying that to people who didn’t even know us, or anyone else for that matter, let people make their own judgments on what they think of me. Also, who was she really to say anything about me when she acted like a heartless piece of shit everyday when I didn’t even deserve that treatment in the first place. If she thought I was rude, well, I was definitely being rude at that moment and she understood that and shut up.

I’m sure that Ally and Dinah were uncomfortable the whole time, they had to witness an outburst and although it was between Lauren and I, it affected the whole group in some way. We bought our plane tickets and I was counting the seconds to get out of that room as soon as possible. Every time Ally said something about looking for other options I just wanted to scream and tell her to get it over with because I was literally feeling claustrophobic in there.

When we finally did what we were supposed to, we quickly prepared to leave the room. As we were standing to leave Lauren asked something like “Is everyone leaving?”, and one more time I wanted to bang her head against that wall she covered with her family photos. I was so mad that I saw that as a punishment for her, because she didn’t like to be alone sometimes and I was always there for her when she wanted me to, but she pushed me away and now she didn’t have anyone. Dinah and Ally didn’t want to stay with her either, and I was the first one to step outside as if there wasn’t enough air inside for me to keep breathing in there.

I talked to my other friends and they encouraged me, one more time, to say something to her and get this thing over with. So I decided that was what I’d do, I fell asleep with this decision in my mind and woke up ready to put an ending to whatever that was. I spent the whole day writing on the notes of my phone what I wanted to say to her, you know, to make sure nothing was left unsaid. I wrote and rewrote that so many times that I almost memorized it.

It was night time when I texted her saying I needed to talk, but fate was so fucked up to me that seconds after I hit the send button, Lauren knocked at my door to ask for some medicine for her headache. I didn’t want to have the conversation in person because that could escalate fast and I would probably forget to say everything I wanted to say (that’s why putting them on your notes is always the best move), so I just told her that I’d just sent a text and I could almost see in her eyes that she knew what that was about. She left me feeling like an idiot for having such a bad timing even when I was trying to do the right thing.

Camila (8:26pm): when you’re out of the shower let me know, i need to say a few things

Camila (8:30pm): don’t come here, i’d rather say it through here

Camila (8:30pm): if you don’t mind

Lauren (8:37pm): you can speak

Camila (8:38pm): i wanted to say this before but i still had hope you’d say something or do something, so i held myself until the last minute…and maybe you’d just leave it like that and don’t say anything, but i couldn’t

Camila (8:39pm): just wait until i’m finished with everything

Lauren (8:39pm): i know, but i didn’t know and don’t know what to do, but hit me

Lauren (8:39pm): yes ma’am

Camila (8:42pm): since Orlando you’ve been acting weird, different with me and i don’t even know why, i don’t think i’ve done anything wrong. Since we got back and even during the trip everything changed, you don’t talk to me privately anymore, we don’t hang out, we don’t watch movies, we don’t hang out in each others room even if it’s just to study, you don’t ask how i’ve been, clearly you’re trying to get some distance and stay in the ‘friendship’ lane and i’m trying to respect that, that’s why i don’t try to talk on private or insist for us to hang out, even if it makes me sad/angry. I was kinda used to all of that, even taking out the part where we make out, and this sudden change is fucking me up. It’s like the friendship changed from night to day with no explanation, no warning, and i really miss everything. I don’t wanna be annoying and demand anything and i could even be overreacting, but i’m pretty bad, it added to my grandma thing that’s worse than it was in the beginning (i cry just from thinking about it), and the stress of the end of the semester. I was weak that day in the room and i cried in front of you guys, but i feel bad at any time of the day, even if i’m smiling around.

Camila (8:43pm): i know you’ve been talking to Paul a lot, and that’s none of my business really, even if you’re getting back with him i don’t care anymore and you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I just think that i deserved a conversation after everything we’ve been through together. I also know that this is one of the things you feared the most, of someone getting hurt, but we decided to take that risk together. I didn’t want for this to happen this way and you acting like that is only making it worse, that’s why i had to say something now.

Camila (8:44pm): i need you to tell me that nothing is gonna happen between us anymore, so i can free myself you know, so i don’t get confused or anxious about what could or couldn’t happen, or why something is happening or not, so i can carry on with my normal life. Our friendship will always stay true and i love you so much, it’s already a bit weird so it can’t get any worse than that, it’ll just get better like i promised and did it the other time around…..or you tell me to wait until you get your shit together, idk, i just want an answer, i think it’s the least i deserve. We need to fix this so we can move on with our normal friendship, even if we don’t keep glued on each other like before because i don’t know if i could do that

Camila (8:45pm): I know you’re feeling bad for this and other reasons and i can’t even help you, or maybe you don’t want my help at this point, that’s why we need to decide this once and for all.

Camila (8:47pm): and i’m sorry for putting you in this position for starters, i just messed up your life even more but i didn’t plan any of this, but i loved everything that happened and i really like you more than i should, everything is experience for the both of us regardless of what happens from now on. Sorry to make you think about it this time at night too e interrupt your study session maybe, but i needed to say this sooner or later

Lauren (8:54pm): So, i know that since Orlando everything’s different and i’m gonna be pretty honest i didn’t do anything on purpose or planned, everything is really hard for me and actually it seems that instead of getting better each day, is getting worse! I didn’t get back with him, i don’t have a problem talking to you about it, i’m talking to him more now because he said he bought his plane tickets to come here and the hotel too, that we have to talk and those other million of things, i’m pretty bad, confused, upset, i think a little bit of everything. I swear that the last thing i wanted was to hurt you but i think this is the most difficult time i’ve had in my life, i cry almost everyday alone at night because it feels like i’m stuck in time and nothing gets better, nothing works out you know? you know and i’ll never stop saying that i love you a lot really, and i don’t regret anything and i miss you so much, so much! everything, hanging out watching some movie, talking, everything! and I’ll be really honest that i don’t know what to do!

Lauren (8:55pm): and because i’m like that i know you noticed it and stepped back, but it was the way i found to try not to hurt you (more) but i can’t be good at it, i know we’d have to talk about it soon but i swear there are so many things in my mind that i don’t know what to do

Lauren (8:56pm): when we decided to risk it my fear was this one and i knew deep down that that day you were crying was related to it

Lauren (8:57pm): and you’re one of the best people i’ve met in my life, i don’t wanna do that to you, my life is all messed up

Lauren (8:57pm): i don’t wanna be one more reason for you to feel bad

Lauren (8:59pm): i want us to have our friendship stronger than ever i don’t wanna change any of that, it’s fucked up having to keep some distance for the both of us, but camz, i don’t want to and i can’t do that to you, put you in the middle of this bunch of problems i have you know? i think it’s best for us to keep our friendship so i don’t mess any more of this

Camila (9:02pm): i understand, if it’s better that way then be it. I wanted to know how to help you somehow but i don’t, it sucks to see you hurting too and don’t be able to be there to support you

Camila (9:03pm): you will get your life together when he comes and you guys talk, try to fix everything once and for all, for your own good, seriously

Camila (9:03pm): be it for you to stay together or end everything

Camila (9:04pm): this changed friendship won’t be easy for me, i’m not gonna lie. But everything will fall into place eventually and we’ll both feel better

Camila (9:05pm): it isn’t already and i don’t know how it’s gonna be from now on :(

Camila (9:08pm): and just for the record, being part of your messed up life was never a problem for me

Lauren (9:21pm): i don’t know if anybody could help me you know, you’ve already helped me a lot, the girls, lucy, my brother, i think i need to finish digesting everything and be able to follow some direction

Lauren (9:22pm): anyway that doesn’t stop you from being by my side, we could just not talk about it idk, i’ve said this a thousand times that i feel good when i’m with you, but i don’t know how much you’ll want to be close so i’ll leave it up to you

Lauren (9:22pm): that was my biggest fear

Lauren (9:22pm): this changed friendship you talk about, because i don’t want your resting bitch face

Lauren (9:23pm): i want to be able to joke with you and hug you and it looks like i won’t be able to do that

Camila (9:23pm): don’t talk about my resting bitch face

Camila (9:23pm): i told you i was born with it

Lauren (9:23pm): i’ll talk about whatever i want lol

Lauren (9:23pm): but no camz

Lauren (9:23pm): seriously

Lauren (9:23pm): that makes me really upset

Lauren (9:23pm): if you want to keep going like this for a while idk, it’s okay i guess

Lauren (9:24pm): but it can be like this forever

Lauren (9:24pm): i spend a lot of time with the girls but i’m closer to you

Lauren (9:25pm): so i don’t know what to do

Lauren (9:25pm): if i can come to your room or not, if you want me to or not

Camila (9:25pm): then the only person who can help you is yourself, i know it’s not easy, but at this point only you can say you’ve had enough, and it’ll get better with time

Lauren (9:25pm): you were so rude to me yesterday haha i almost told you to go fuck yourself, but i cried

Camila (9:26pm): i’m just gonna tell you the truth that i didn’t wanna stop any of this, it doesn’t matter if i’m dragged into this mess or not

Camila (9:26pm): i’m sorry

Camila (9:26pm): but if that’s what you wanna do then it’s okay

Camila (9:26pm): i won’t stop hugging you and joke, relax

Camila (9:26pm): i’m sorry about yesterday, i kept gravitating between sadness and angriness, because you were treating me that way without even letting me know or explaining

Camila (9:26pm): so i was cold every time

Lauren (9:27pm): i was the wrong one

Camila (9:27pm): i’m really sorry

Lauren (9:28pm): but i don’t know, it was the only way out that i found, i shouldn’t have done that

Lauren (9:28pm): i should’ve talked to you

Camila (9:28pm): even when i didn’t want to, i had to treat you like that :(

Camila (9:28pm): i get it

Camila (9:28pm): it’s over now

Camila (9:28pm): relax

Lauren (9:29pm): but i was stupid, i should’ve talked, it’s me that owes you an apology and not you

Lauren (9:29pm): it was your reaction, obviously

Lauren (9:29pm): i’m sorry

Lauren (9:29pm): again what i didn’t wanna do in life was to hurt you

Lauren (9:29pm): and here i am, again

Camila (9:30pm): stooop

Camila (9:30pm): i already told you that it was normal for this to happen

Camila (9:30pm): and i said that i was gonna take the risk

Camila (9:30pm): but it’s over now and i feel better

Camila (9:30pm): i just wish i could get you out of this situation

Lauren (9:31pm): don’t worry about me

Lauren (9:31pm): please

Camila (9:31pm): i just miss everything so much :( i’m feeling lonelier than ever

Camila (9:31pm): of course i’ll worry

Camila (9:31pm): always

Camila (9:32pm): even when i was angry i knew you were hurting somehow

Lauren (9:34pm): i miss you so much, really! i can’t stand being alone that’s why i want us to hang out! i feel so sad when i’m here like that!

Camila (9:36pm): i can only imagine

Camila (9:36pm): but like, you didn’t talk to me during these days

Camila (9:36pm): i didn’t say anything either

Camila (9:37pm): if you want to hang around here for a while you can

Camila (9:38pm): i still have a lot to study but i’m not in the mood now

Camila (9:38pm): at least you’ll feel a little better

Lauren (9:38pm): okay, i’ll be right over, i just need to fix my hair

.

.

.

Camila (9:57pm): changed your mind?

Lauren (9:58pm): i’m halfway through hahahaha

-

A/N: it’s been 84 years i know and it’ll probably take another 84 for the next chapter but i’m trying my best. when i have time i don’t have the motivation, and when the motivation comes (which is rarely) i don’t have time lol

i think i mentioned that i have to go over my old text messages to write this story (since the texts are real and all) and honestly i cringe sooo hard reading them and i know there’s a lot of cringe worthy content yet to come lol i was so stupid for god’s sake, well i’m still stupid af but i’ve learned my lesson and now i write less cringe worthy texts so yeah. Also i don’t know why this chapter came out a little too bitter, it wasn’t my intention but it did and i’m gonna leave it like that. the emotional parts really make me feel some kind of way because i practically have to re-live it, of course i don’t feel the same of when it actually happened because it’s been a long time, but i definitely feel a fraction of it.

On the side note: i’ll give you smut at some point yyyaaass. it’ll be near the end of the story but it’ll happen, but it’s just one time, and i’ll make sure it’s a good one so it makes up for all the angst and the lack of smut on this trash fic. go check Crosswords (here) and my other one shots (there’s smut in them lol) if you haven’t yet.

[makingbabyk]

May 30, 2019

So here’s the beginning… well, really I guess the beginning was when I made this decision 10 years ago. But for our purposes, this is really where the fun starts. Let’s start with a disclaimer though.

Hi everyone. If you’ve come to this blog, you probably know me to some degree. So let me be clear, I’m using this space to chronicle my journey into the world of fertility, and the life events that happen around that journey. That will probably mean I spend some time talking about bodily functions that you maybe don’t want to hear about. Whether you’re a friend, or family, I don’t want to hear you complain because I talked about my vagina and you don’t want to hear about it. This blog is about making a baby. And if you don’t know how babies are made, you need to go talk to the person who raised you.

So why am I doing this? Well, I want a kid. I’ve wanted a kid since I was a kid. I’ve always known I was supposed to be a mom. It just took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t going to happen in the traditional way. Let me tell you a story…

When I was a kid, I was sure that all women did things the way my mom did. You got married at 20, you had your first kid at 22 and your second by 26…. That was just the way it was done. As I got older I of course knew that those ages weren’t set in stone, but the general timeline was still stuck in my head. I was 25 before I woke up and realized that getting married and having a kid before I was 30 probably wasn’t going to happen. I needed to change my expectations. 

And so I did. It occured to me that what I wanted was to be a mom… being a wife was secondary, just a stop on the road to mom. And honestly? I wasn’t all that concerned with finding a life partner. If it was going to happen, it would happen, there’s no time limit on relationships. There IS however, a time limit on getting pregnant. And my clock was starting to wind down. So I made myself a promise. If I hit 35, with no partner in sight, I was going to have a baby on my own. 

When I hit 30 I became less concerned with the 35 age limit, and more concerned with making sure I was capable of having a kid by that age. I needed to lose weight, save money, and make sure my income was such that I could afford this kid. That’s a multi-year project, and it was hard work. 

But now? I’m 34. And it’s baby time.

More to come….

September 6, 2019

So I haven’t written anything in the last few months because there hasn’t been anything to tell.  

After a very stressful end to 2018 and a hectic beginning to 2019 I’ve spent the last 6 months trying to get my eating and exercise routine back on track. It’s been an uphill battle and it took me longer than I like to realize I can’t do it on my own. So I hit the nutritionist for a kickstart on the food thing, and I’ll be seeing my old trainer for a kickstart on the workout thing. 

In addition to that, I got into my doctor for my regular yearly check up yesterday, and told her I wanted a referral to the fertility clinic of my choice. So in addition to the regular yearly check up tests, I also had to do extra bloodwork and then book an ultrasound, since the clinic would make me do all that anyway.

My doctor, Dr W, was very supportive and we talked a bit about what the fertility clinic would probably have me do once I got in for my initial consult. She also confirmed that she can’t be my primary care once I get pregnant, which is a bit of a downer, but not too much of a surprise.

Today I had the ultrasound appointment, which was ooddles of fun I can tell you. (If there was a sarcasm font I’d be using it here.) First the tech did an abdominal ultrasound, which wasn’t anything special. Then she sent me to go pee and it was on to the fun times. The transvaginal ultrasound. 

For anyone who doesn’t know, that is exactly what it sounds like. They shove a probe up your vaginal and take pictures that way. 

It wasn’t enjoyable by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn’t painful or anything. The last part of if was a bit more uncomfortable because apparently my left ovary is a bit higher and she had to really press in order to get a clear picture for the measurements they need.

Overall it wasn’t the best way to spend my lunch hour, but I figure I’m about to have a lot of people all up in my business, so I better get used to it.

Next week will be my follow up with Dr W to go over all the results and then send them off to the clinic. Then it should be 6-8 weeks for me to get an appointment. Followed by a month or two of cycle monitoring, I’m sure. It’s going to be the new year before I even get to try and actually get pregnant, I think. But at least the process has been started!

More to come…

September 12, 2019

Today I had my follow up to last week’s physical. My Cholesterol is still a bit high, but only in the range of “cut back on the processed foods please” and not “you need to be on medication.” So that’s not too bad.

The ultrasound came back good, I have a couple of fibroids, 5mm and 9mm each, which aren’t a big deal, according to my doctor. 

And all the other bloodwork came back fine. 

So Dr W is sending the referral request to Create Fertility today. Hopefully they’ll give me a call in the next week, and I’ll be in their office inside 8 weeks.

Yesterday I got the news that a coworker and his wife are expecting their first baby. That’s starting to be a very annoying thing to hear. On the one hand I’m super excited for them, and for all the people in my life who are having babies (and there seems to be a lot of them). But on the other hand… I’m months away from even getting to start to TRY and get pregnant. And it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars to do it. It’s frustrating, and a bit depressing at times.

But I’m trying really hard to keep an upbeat attitude and not let other people’s successes make me feel like a failure. 

Easier said than done, but I’ll keep working on it.

Or maybe it’s just hitting me so hard today because it’s rainy and gloomy and I just want to curl up in bed because my stomach was messed up last night so I didn’t get a lot of sleep.

Yeah. I’ll go with that.

More to come…

September 21 (10:30pm)

Someone remind me why I can’t just go out and find a guy to have sex with on the right days who will then then fuck right off and I never have to see him again?

I may have woken up at 4am and had a full day of sun and alcohol. I need to go to sleep. 

More to come ….

September 30 (9:30pm)

I got the call from the clinic today. 

I was at work and when I looked at my phone to see who was calling me… I damn near cried. I was just so relieved to know it was going to happen. 

My appointment is October 29 at 11am. They say it’ll take 2-3 hours. That’s a Tuesday so I had to talk to my boss about what kind of time I should take off, since it’s right in the middle of the day. I also decided to tell him why I’ll be going to appointments. He was very understanding and said it wouldn’t be a problem for me to take the time when I needed it. 

So the appointment will include blood work and another set of ultrasounds. Apparently the previous tech didn’t do a follicle count, so that needs to be done. 

On the one hand I’m so excited and I want to talk about it with everyone. On the other I’m scared out of my mind. I’m doing this alone and some days I wonder how I can make it all work. I know I have support but when I start to think about going to birth classes alone. And going through labour and delivery alone. Midnight feedings alone.

 Some days it all feels like it’ll be too much. Then I see a mom with her baby and I ache for it. It scares me how much I want this some days. How much I ache to have a baby. 

I’m terrified it might not happen. And I don’t know what I’ll do if none of this works. I think I could be content without a child. But I’m not sure I’d feel happy or fulfilled. 

Truth be told, I probably need to start therapy. There’s so much going on in my head, it’s probably a good idea to talk it out with someone. 

Just another thing to add to the growing list. 

More to come ….

October 8, 2019

So on Friday last week I got a call from the Co-op housing building that I’ve been on the waitlist for the last 3 years. There’s a one bedroom available on December 1 and they were asking me if I wanted to come view it. I said yes and I’m going to look today. The problem is that I seem to be the only person in my life who absolutely doesn’t want me to have to move right now. I’ve already told my landlord I’ll be staying past the end of my lease, which is November 30. It’s also the holiday season, which is an insanely busy time for me. And I’ve got the start of my fertility treatments coming up. The thought of having to move right now makes me want to vomit and cry. 

Thankfully I’m pretty sure I won’t actually get the unit, there’s a couple of people in front of my on the wait-list who want it, apparently. So I probably won’t actually have to worry about it. But if they both change their minds, then I’m going to need to figure out if I can actually handle moving in December, AGAIN. But also if I can afford two apartments in December since I don’t have enough time to give my landlord the 60 days notice I’m required to. 

If I don’t get it/don’t take it if I do get it, AND if my promotion comes through this month. In the new year I’m going to ask to get moved to the two bedroom waitlist. If I wait until I’m in a one bedroom unit, I won’t be able to apply for the two bed until I’ve been there for a year. And I will need a two bedroom unit once the kid is here, or at least after they leave a crib.

Overall this week has sucked large and I’m so ready for it to be done. And it’s only Tuesday. 

But I’m going to Shady Queens, a charity drag ball, on Thursday night and I’m taking Friday as a personal day to reset my brain and go to Tweed early. Dad and I have the home opener of the Belleville Sens Friday night and Sunday is turkey day. So some family time, a four day weekend, and a chance to recharge my brain are on the way. I just need to get through these next three days.

More to come….

October 22, 2019

Remember when I said “Thankfully I’m pretty sure I won’t actually get the unit, there’s a couple of people in front of my on the wait-list who want it, apparently. So I probably won’t actually have to worry about it.”? Well… I got it. 

I went to the viewing and when I got there the property manager told me there were actually two units available and I could have my pick. Somehow 23 people in front of me on the waitlist decided they didn’t want either unit. So I went and looked and fell in love with the second unit, it’s on the 7th floor and is above the courtyard tree line so it gets lots of sun, faces south west and is generally awesome.

I left the place and called home to freak out with mom and dad about having to move in less than 2 months with everything else that is going on. They managed to talk me off the ceiling and I called the co-op the next day to tell them I wanted the unit. Since there was going to be reno’s happening in the month before my move in date, I also asked if it would be possible to move in a day or two early, December 1 would just be a really awful day for me to have to move. And that’s when the manager said the sweetest words I’ve ever heard, “Oh, the 7th floor unit isn’t available until February 1.” Folks, I damn near cried in relief.

I went back the next week to pay the deposit and get the hydro info I needed and now I’m officially moving February 1. Well, probably a day or two early, but yeah.

It was an emotional few days, but thankfully I now don’t have to worry about adding a move on top of all the other shit going on. I don’t even have to think about it until January, really. I just have to give my notice to my landlord and arrange the movers. 

And now I can focus on my consultation appointment in a week… holy shit, that’s in one week.

More to come….

October 28, 2019

Well I was doing fine, not really nervous, and not really thinking about tomorrow’s appointment. Then a coworker asked me if I was taking tomorrow off for my appointment and my stomach dropped and now I want to throw up. Of course that isn’t helped by the fact that I’m stress eating. So I’ve had too much sugar, am feeling nauseated. And I’ve got more than a half dozen other things going on this week that also need my mental attention. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty freaked out and just want to crawl back into bed and cry. 

I’m not anticipating a decent night's sleep tonight, which will make tomorrow’s appointment all the more fun, I’m sure. 

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to get to that appointment tomorrow and they’re going to tell me I’m too fat to have a baby. I don’t even know what I would do if that happens. 

I keep starting sentences and then deleting them because all I can think to type is the same circular freak out over and over again. So I guess I’ll close this until I have something to say tomorrow. 

Although if they tell me to worst, I’ll probably just delete this entire thing; no point in a baby blog if there will never be a baby. 

Fuck. I need to find something else to focus on.

More to come… hopefully...

October 30, 2019

Yesterday was the consult and it actually went well.

First I had a 30 minute wait then the pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasounds, followed by another wait before getting in to see the doctor, Dr Dv.

We went over my medical history and what it was I wanted to have happen. She immediately recommended a high dose of folic acid, so I started that last night too.

She then ordered half my blood be drawn for tests, they took 12 vials yesterday and I need to go back for more today.

She also wants me to have a tube test done, that’s where they put a foam up through my cervix and use an ultrasound to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked.

I also need to go to a counselling session, since I’m using a sperm donor, which is fine because I wanted to do that anyway.

And then I had to get another pelvic exam with some swabs taken.

So the total for the day was 12 vials of blood, three times I had to get undressed and redress, and 2 different people up my vagina.

She did answer a lot of my questions, like:

I need to pick my sperm donor before my next appointment so we’re ready to go when it’s time

I only need 1 vial at a time for the insemination

She wants to try 3 rounds natural, and if I’m not pregnant after that then we will reevaluate the treatment plan

My BMI is high, but she’s happy I’ve been losing weight and wants me to continue what I’ve been doing, every pound lost will only help me and it’ll make pregnancy easier

Overall it was an emotional day, but it’s actually happening!

Next up is the last of the bloodwork today, tube test and counselling on November 26 and then my follow up with Dr Dv on December 4.

It’s gonna be a crazy month, but holy shit this is happening.

More to come….

[poormansfrenchpress]

september 1, 2018 10:30pm

i might not be over my ex.

i also hate calling him my ex because we have started talking again recently and it feels completely normal. ex seems harsh and i still consider him to be a friend. i feel like once you’ve known someone for that long, it’s hard to just be done with them. 

as of recent - i moved back to tc and work at my old job with his ex. it’s fucking peachy. she’s killing me with kindness and i just want to talk to him. so stressor one; her. stressor two; i develop all my film photos from colorado and the school year, and wow, there’s some really cute photos of us and it absolutely breaks my heart. i tear up thinking about him it’s embarrassing. stressor three; homeboy moved to arizona a few days ago and i’ve been talking to him -- now that he’s fucking gone. 

i have been on an absolute rollercoaster of emotions lately. i don’t know what to do. i broke up with him. i was so happy to be free. i didn’t want to be in a relationship and i didn’t want him. i’m afraid i convince myself that things should be a certain way and if its not, then i’ll get rid of it ? maybe? i don’t follow my heart very well when it comes to boys. 

i don’t know why i’m so indecisive when it comes to hayden either! he’s hot, he’s a great kisser, oh look, he’s fucking doing something and you’re not. i’m also afraid that this is me just poorly adapting to change. i moved home and am low-key depressed about it. meanwhile, my ex lover/friend moved across the country. one of my reasons was because i thought i was going to move and he was going to stay in grand rapids. wtf!! homeboy takes off across the country. that could’ve been us i guess if i didn’t suck. 

i’ve been doing this back and forth thing with him literally ever since i’ve known him. i’m probably actually in love with him but the feelings are too much so i just dismiss them. he was hesitant to actually date me because he didn’t want me to do exactly what i did. i fucking suck. how am i supposed to get him to take me back now? it honestly doesn’t seem possible. i don’t know what the outcome would be anyway and i don’t want to keep hurting his heart. if it feels anything like what i’m feeling, then it’s fucking horrible. heartbreak might be one of the worst pains. especially when you’ve never experienced it in this context. 

when i wasn’t happy in the relationship, all i focused on was what i wasn’t happy about. when i think back on the relationship overall, i think of the good times. when i look back at photos, i think back on how much fun i had with him. he was my person. i’ve never cried over a boy like him before. i did the exact same thing two (?) years ago when he started dating her. losing his friendship hit me like a brick wall. it hurt my heart and took forever to get over. then he’s back after a year, once i think i’m okay without him. finally moved on, boom ok i could see him in my life. the kicker is, whenever i think of hayden, i always see him as my husband. like that’s the dude i’m gonna marry. i think my fear is that i want to have my own life before i ever settle down, but i don’t know why i couldn’t find that life with him in it. i’ve never considered doing life with somebody by my side at this point in my life. 

he’s my person. he always will be. i literally cannot picture him not in my life. i’m so proud of him for doing something toward his future and for himself. i wouldn’t want to limit that in any way, but i feel like i can’t give him up. i can’t just push these feelings aside. if i wait, he falls in love with someone on the west coast and my chance is gone. my chance honestly may be gone now, but i feel like i have to try. i’ll wait because i know he’s going through a huge change right now, and i need to be as sure as i can be, but wow. he’s not just coming back next week. he’s gone.

i don’t know if i’ll stop crying. i fucking hope so this is pathetic. i just want to marry him on a mountain top in southern colorado.

i’m gonna smoke another bowl and suppress my feelings some more.

stay sane, make money mother fucker.

han

[santiagostyle]

I didnt even notice u reblogged it too 1-116 payback tiiiiiiime

oh boy here we go

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

tbh bc i just remembered i have to read a play for uni by tomorrow and i’m confused about why i never do my homework

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

lol no

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

like,,,, only if it was having adverse effects on either of us but if it was a once in a while thing i don’t think i’d have an issue with it 

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

??? yes and no like it depends on the person

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

probably reading fanfic tbh

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

my best friends from uni lets be real they’re the only people with whom i would be drunk and lost in the same night

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

that would require an s/o but i would dump them

8: Are you close with your dad?

eehhhhhh depends on the day

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

lol good joke

10: What are you listening to?

Mowgli’s Road by Marina and the Diamonds

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

i mean look logically? water

12: Do you like hickeys?

..... sometimes

13: What time do you go to bed?

usually between 11 and 11:30pm

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

there are several people who continuously let me down

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

nope

16: Do you always answer your texts?

i try my best to

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

nah

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

in person like 6 hours ago, online like 20 mins ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

yeeees

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

“oh shit i haven’t done the reading... oh well”

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

my mum is in the room like adjacent to me i guess that kinda counts bc they’re sorta connected

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

mmmmm i like to think i believe it but i’ve found that it’s not always true

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

definitely not

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

mm yeah

25: In the past week, have you cried?

yes

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

grey

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

only my best friend from uni on some rare occasions 

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

i mean,,,, i wouldn’t really know would i 

29: Do you have a best friend?

i have several

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

nah i’m over him now

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

lmao my dad i sent him a list of groceries

32: Are you mad at anyone?

i mean,,, yes kinda like not for something specific it’s just a general annoyance directed at a few people

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yes

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

21

35: How many more days until your birthday?

266

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

boi i barely have plans for friday night

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

i sure do

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

mmmm i’m low key salty with one of my best friends but not gonna tell her

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

nah at least 1 person knows all my secrets

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

lmao yes

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

only if it’s ?? illegal or an abuse of power

42: Are you available?

i mean??? i think so yes????

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

i had ‘feelings’ for someone but idk if u would call them real or strong,,, and i guess i kinda like someone rn if that counts

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

probs my belly button

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

mmm depends on the situation

46: Do you regret anything?

nah i try not to

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

the fact that i haven’t done the reading for uni tomorrow

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

yep

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

nah

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i mean,,,, i’m going on a date on friday does that ?? count ??

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

not cry but i was close one time like way way waaaaay before we kissed

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

not unless i see him in person

53: What was the last thing you ate?

pasta!!!!!

54: Did you get any compliments today?

well my modernism lecturer told me i had some great ideas about virginia woolf 

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

this is an excellent question and i do not have an answer

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

yessss, all the stuff i bought in the US, and my best friend just got back from Serbia so i have stuff from there too but I also have presents from China, Spain, Mexico etc etc idk my extended family travels a lot

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

Sydney, Australia

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

Like,, yesterday I was in the car for almost 5 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

lmao yes at year 10 camp with half of my grade

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

nope

62: Who do you text the most?

i generally use like Facebook messenger more often than text but either way the answer is my best friend from uni

63: What was the last movie you saw?

Metropolis 

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I do not have an s/o

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

LMAO ACTUALLY THAT’S THE ONLY YEAR I’VE EVER “DATED” ANYONE SO ONE (1)

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

nah

67: Do you curse around your parents?

never ever around my dad, sometimes around my mum depending on the situation

68: Are you happy with where you live?

mmm yeah pretty much

69: Picture of yourself?

that’s so,,, much effort and nobody is gonna read these so

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

yay monogamy 

71: Have you ever been dumped?

yes

72: What do you most like about making out?

this feels inappropriate to answer on a public forum but god idk ???? it’s just all around nice

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

hahahah yes oops

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

always the other person boi i’m nervous af

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

??? their face i guess

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

one of my best pals from uni

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

.... not applicable 

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

also not applicable 

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

god okay um cute boys cute girls and cute dogs

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

I mean,,, given that I’m pretty young probably not but I wouldn’t hold it against them if that makes sense. Like I wouldn’t NOT get involved with someone just bc they had a kid

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

haha god yes it was,,,, unpleasant

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

??? i haven’t had a crush in a long time but I used to always tell my two best friends from high school

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

nope

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

???? never

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

hahah no

86: How can I win your heart?

be a) jake peralta or b) amy santiago

87: What is your astrological sign?

gemini

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

fam i was sleeping

89: Do you cook?

I can make tacos that’s about it

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

well like i kinda had to bc we went to school together but we defs had a period of Not Speaking and then became friends again later kinda

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

mmmm kinda sorta

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i prefer monogamy but i don’t really have experience with either

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk i don’t really have A Type in terms of physical features i just like boys who make me laugh ugh

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

1. a guaranteed job in the arts industry 2. the capacity to ensure world peace 3. less anxiety 4. like,,,, money bro i’m broke rn

95: Are you a player?

no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

like if kissing my friends counts then yes

97: Are you a tease?

i don’t think so????

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

not yet but i have met someone i met on twitter

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

no

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

i mean??? idk ????

101: Hugs or Kisses?

both idc this question sucks

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

god YES but i think,,, i kind of accidentally may have done it anyway

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

their face??

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

YES just depends on the context bc i’ve had a lot of people use it passive aggressively 

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

nope

106: Do you flirt a lot?

i think unintentionally yes

107: Your last kiss?

???? what about it ???? it was like almost 2 years ago so like does it even count 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

boi i haven’t kissed more than 5 people period

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

no

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

tbh? amy santiago

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

i mean i have a pretty,,, good idea 

112: Does someone like you currently?

god i hope so or else this date is gonna be awkward

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

see above

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

look i don’t have experience with either but i think probably relationships 

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

umm ??? i mean maybe like we were friends at the time but i was kinda Into Him idk i don’t have an answer for u

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

look tbh i’m,, kinda happy either way as long as i have my friends