makingbabyk

[makingbabyk]

Cat is very happy to see his owner after being 3 days alone.

[makingbabyk]

[makingbabyk]

November 26 2019

Today has been a day. The way it was scheduled was supposed to be thus: Work until 1pm, get to the clinic by 1:30pm in order to sign in for my tube test, then my counselling session was scheduled for 4:30pm, which was supposed to be that late since I was told I might not get out of the tube test until 3:30 or 4pm.

The tube test’s start at 2pm and are first come, first served. When I got there I was number 3 on the list, so I settled in and prepared to wait an hour. I was surprised to be called back just 20 minutes later, where I learned the Doc doing the test that day had had a cancellation and was going to start early, plus the two people ahead of me on the list weren’t in the clinic for some reason, so I got to go first.

The test was AWFUL. They put a catheter up to my cervix, inject a dye and insert a trans-vaginal ultrasound and take a look to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked or not. Pressure against the cervix hurts like a mofo, so the catheter was awful, and they had to inject dye a few different times which I could feel every time. They could see my left tube fine, it was completely clear. But the right tube they couldn’t really see, apparently it was hiding behind some part of my large intestine or something. Though they did say I had a really nice follicle maturing on the right side. 

After the test I got dressed and went to reception to find out where I had to go for my counselling session, and since it wasn’t even 2:30 at that point, I asked if they could check and see if the counsellor could get me in earlier. Thankfully Jan, the counsellor, was free right then so I only had to go down a floor and wait a few minutes before getting in to see her.

I was very nervous about that session, but she was lovely. I told her why I was going through this process, and we talked about my support network, what’s been going on in my life the last few years, the donor selection process. Everything. She seemed really happy with my answers and said she felt I was very well prepared for this process. She also encouraged me to attend a support group she runs for single folks having kids on their own. It meets the 4th Thursday of each month, so I’m going to try and go this week. It’ll be a good networking opportunity, and, according to Jan, it’s a great resource of like minded people. Apparently, they're a pretty close group and they even have a holiday social in January and a big party in August. I’m looking forward to checking it out. 

So now I’ve just got to wait until my follow up on December 4, where Dr Dv and I will go over the next steps and decide when to start. 

More to come….

December 5, 2019

So I went to the support group last week and it was wonderful. Everyone had something to say and a story to share. Lots of questions were asked and we were all able to give our perspectives, it was really great.

I have my follow up with Dr Dv yesterday and it went great. I got there about 10 minutes early and ended up waiting a bit for her, but just before she came and got me the counsellor, Jan, was walking through the clinic and stopped to chat with me. 

Then Dr. Dv came and we went back to her office to go over everything.

All of my results came back good. My AMH, which measures ovarian reserve, came back about mid range, which is good because being too high can mean you have PCOS (poly-cycstic Ovarian syndrome). My CBC was a bit wonky, which she thought might mean I didn’t drink enough water so we redid that test. And everything else was normal or at least expected based on my past physicals.

Then we went over my options and decided on a game plan. Basically we’re going with a medicated IUI. I’ll be taking Letrozole for 5 days during my cycle to encourage two follicles to mature, instead of the usual one. That will double my chances of one fertilizing. It also increases your chances of multiples, but, as she said, that change goes up to 7-15%, however in her time she hasn’t seen it in 5% of cases, so she’s not overly concerned. The goal is to for me to get pregnant within 3 cycles.

The other options were no drugs with IUI, which would mean less chance of pregnancy each cycle, and we’d probably try 6 cycles before re-evaluating. Or we could go straight to IVF, which she thought was extreme given my age. If I was closer to or over 40 she might recommend it, but she didn’t think it would be necessary.

The plan is to skip my next cycle, since that would probably put insemination right over Christmas, and start in January. Based on my calculations, but January cycle with start January 3 or 4 and then the schedule will be:

Day 2 or 3: go in for cycle monitoring. This will be bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr Dv will review the results that day and call me to tell me when I have to come in next and when to start taking Letrozole. 

Days 5-10: I need to go in to get the tube test done again. She wants to be able to see the tube they couldn’t see last time (my left one I think), she can’t do the insemination if the tube is blocked and that’s the side the egg will be released from that month. During this time I’ll probably have to go in every few days for cycle monitoring to see how things are progressing.

Day11+: Insemination sometime after day 10. I’ll continue to go in for cycle monitoring and when Dr Dv see the eggs are getting ready to release in the next day or two, she’ll call me and tell me when to come in for insemination.

After insemination there’s the dreaded two week wait before pregnancy testing (I believe that’s blood and another ultrasound) and I get to see if it worked. If it didn’t then we start all over again the next cycle.

It’s kinda crazy that this is going to happen so soon, yet January also feels so far away lol. I definitely don’t want to get started any sooner, but I’m glad it’s happening at the beginning of the month.

More to come…. 

December 7, 2019

I’ve been trying to put into words how I’m feeling, but the words aren’t coming. So to put it plainly…

I’m feeling anxious and maudlin, maybe because I’m sleep deprived

A lot of my high school friends who have kids that are already in school are posting about christmas and it’s making me ache for a baby

I’m terrified that I’m making a mistake doing this alone

I’m worried because it feels like this is happening to easily for me, and I honestly think it should be harder. But I also don’t want to borrow trouble so I’m trying to ignore that feeling, but it wasn’t helping. 

I’m debating going back to Jan, the counsellor, for another session. But I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts to myself, so I’m not confident in my ability to make sense to her.

On top of this I’m moving February 1 and the movers are going to run me about $600+, which is about 50% more than I paid last time. So that’s going to cut into my cash flow for cycles, but I guess that’s what credit cards and overtime is for. I’m going to work as much overtime the next two weeks as I can get away with, so I can bank as much cash as possible. It’s a bit of a mess, but I’m done my christmas shopping, so I should be able to control my expenses over the next couple of months much better. I mean, how much do I really need to eat? I’m joking, well I’m serious in that if I cut out junk food (aka take out) I’ll save myself a boatload of money. I’ve also got a freezer full of stuff I should eat before moving, and it’s much healthier than what I usually eat for lunch.

I’m rambling, so I’m gonna log out now.

More to come….

January 7, 2020

Christmas and New Years have come and gone. It was a busy holiday season on top of a busy period at work. But I was able to crank out some decent overtime, which will pay for my movers at the end of the month, and also pay off some credit card bills to make some room for the fertility bills

My period is due to start today, which means day 2 or 3 is coming soon, and with that comes my first cycle monitoring appointment. I’m excited and terrified still, but it honestly doesn’t seem real some days. 

My move is happening at the end of this month, and my promotion, which I’ve been waiting for since October, should come through this month as well. But I’m not really holding my breath on that one. It’ll happen when it happens. 

I’m trying to be a realist and remember that the likelihood of insemination working on the first try is slim to non existent, but I’m hopeful it’ll work within three. 

Not much else to report I guess

More to come… 

January 8, 2020

My period finally started today. It was due yesterday, but it’s been at least a day or two early the last three months, so I was expecting it earlier. But of course that means it would come late. 

Regardless, it’s here now and that means cycle monitoring starts. First visit is Friday. 

More to come…

January 9, 2020

I go for my first cycle monitoring appointment tomorrow. I’m fucking terrified. 

What if I got the days wrong?

What if the cycle doesn’t start until my period is done?

What if I forget to sign up on one of the clip-boards?

What if they see something weird on the ultrasound and refuse to inseminate me?

What if. 

What if..

What if... 

I’m a fucking mess. 

More to come… 

January 10, 2020 (7:05 am)

Cycle monitoring today. Got here at 6:30am and the door was locked. Another woman showed up and we waited outside for a few minutes for one of the techs who was able to let us in. Then it was a wait until 7am when the office doors were opened. 

Had to sign up on ultrasound, Dr Dv and blood work clipboards (I didn’t screw it up!) and then take a seat. I was first in line so I’m number one for ultrasound, two for the Dr Dv (she’s going to call me anyway) and three for bloodwork. 

Now to wait. 

(7:45am)

I was done inside 30 minutes. Told work I was going to be an hour later. Instead I’m 15 minutes early. Needless to say I’m giggling at my desk over the absurdity of it all. 

Dr Dv will give me a call later this morning to let me know when to come in next and if I should start my meds yet.

I also booked my 2nd tube test for January 14, which will be a bucket of fun I’m sure.

I did meet a couple of nice ladies in the line outside the office, one was a first timer like me, and the other is on her 2nd cycle. It felt good to recognize a couple of faces as I moved through the office.

(9:10am)

Oh, and I turned my ankle on a pothole in the middle of an intersection on my way to the clinic this morning, so my right ankle is screaming, my left wrist (from catching myself as I went down) aches and my left knee was scraped. And the system at work is down. Hopefully It’ll come back before the end of the day, we’re supposed to do OT tomorrow (Saturday).

It’s been a day folks. 

(10:20am)

Of course the doc called while I was in my daily meeting. 

Blood work was good. I’m going to start the meds today, I need to take them for 5 days. And I go back for the next cycle monitoring on Day 11, which is Saturday Jan 18. I’ll see Dr Dv that day and IUI should be within a few days of that. Got to try and remember to ask if I can pay admin fees early and what the process looks like on the IUI day. 

(4:05pm)

They system never came back up and OT for tomorrow is cancelled. Monday is gonna be an adventure for sure.

More to come…

January 11, 2020

So I haven't really updated about the rest of my life here. 

I move at the end of the month, currently the movers are booked for January 31, but I’m hoping to get that changed to January 29, the mover cost will go down by $30 an hour if I can get it 2 days earlier. I’m going to the co-op this coming wednesday so I can take some measurements for windows, I also want to take some pictures and get an idea on where the best place to park the moving truck is. I’m hoping the building has a service elevator and I won’t just have to use the main elevators. But I’m not counting on it. 

I’ve also been working on getting a promotion at work. It was supposed to come through in October but it didn’t. My manager just told me he was working on it. 

Well on New Years Eve I had a short conversation with him about leaving early, everyone else on the team had been bugging him about leaving 30 minutes early, at 4pm, but since 4pm is my regular end time i didn’t say anything. Until we got to 3:45pm and all my work was done, plus there was only a few end of day transactions left, so I asked if I could leave then and he told me I should stay and help my teammates finish their work. Needless to say I felt like he was saying I wasn’t a team player, and that really angered me. I ended up leaving at exactly 4pm without saying anything to anyone and it took a few days for me to calm down and not be so upset by it. After spending a couple of days thinking about it, I realized most of my anger was about my frustration over this promotion. So I went in and talked to him about it. I made sure to be clear that I was upset by the conversation we’d had, and he was very understanding. He appreciated me coming to him and apologized for what was mainly him not being clear and not really thinking about what I was asking for as a person, he was mostly focussed on the team as a whole. 

Then I explained my frustration over the promotion, and how it was mostly rooted in the fact that I didn’t know WHY it wasn’t happening. He explained that it was his and our directors fault, they were not being as quick as they should be in getting the new job description for my role completed. It’s annoying and very frustrating, but at least I know why, and it should be completely this month. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll backdate it, though I’m not holding my breath. 

Over all it’s been an interesting start to the year and the rest of 2020 is probably going to be just as fun. 

More to come….

January 13, 2020

So this entry might not stay in, but I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.

Let me start by saying that I understand that I made the decision to take this journey on my own. I am fully aware that I don’t have anyone else going to appointments with me, or anyone holding my hand when I have procedures done. 

But nonetheless I’m disappointed. When I’ve spoken about this taking this journey with other people, I’ve gotten a lot of excited and happy responses. Everyone has been thrilled for me, and seemed really impressed that I’m going for this on my own. But once the journey actually started… things changed.

Either the people who said they wanted to be there aren’t, or they don’t seem at all interested in the process. I feel like I’m doing a lot of talking, providing a lot of information, that no one is asking for. I’ve made no secret of when my doctors appointments are, but I never get “hey, how’d it go?” from the people who, previously, were the most excited about it. 

So I’ve made the choice to stop talking about it, unless you ask. I’m starting to feel selfish and like I’m giving you too much information that you don’t want, and that’s not fair to you, or a good feeling for me. 

Instead I’ll focus on chronicling my journey here, and sharing with my support group. And if people want to know, or come to me with “why haven’t I gotten an update?” I’ll tell them. 

But I can’t be the one who starts every conversation. I can’t be the one always doing the reaching out. 

I’m going to start being selfish in a different way, I’m going to start taking care of myself. If you want to know, ask. And if you don’t, well, don’t worry, I won’t bother you with my issues from now on.

More to come… 

January 14, 2020

Today was my second tube test. To say I wasn’t looking forward to it is an understatement but I needed to get it done since one tube was blocked from view last time. The Dr Dv won’t do IUI if she sees the egg is about to release on the side that they couldn’t get a view of. And they won’t know which side it is until IUI day so I’d end up wasting over $1000 if they couldn’t get a clear view. 

So I got off work at 1pm and headed to the clinic. I was signed in (number 1 on the list) at 1:20pm and settled in for what I’d hoped would only be a 40 minute wait. 

Needless to say, when it hit 2:40 and I was still waiting, I was less than impressed. 

The nurse called me around 2:50 and told me I needed to pee in a cup so they could confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Then she took me to the room where I got undressed. And then proceeded to wait another 30 minutes. Twice someone came in and told me the Dr was delayed, the second time I was less than polite in my reply. 

Dr L came in about 3:20. He was nice enough, for someone who didn’t feel the need to even introduce himself. But he told me everything he was doing before he did it, told I was doing really well, and was done in under 5 minutes. So I’ve forgiven him for making me wait so fucking long. 

Anyway, both tubes are clear! 

On Saturday I’ll go in for another cycle monitoring appointment and see Dr Dv that day. She’ll have a better idea of when IUI day will be at that point. 

Holy crap I could be getting inseminated this time next week. That’s crazy. 

Now it’s home to do a bit of packing and go to bed early. 

More to come….

January 18, 2020 (7:50am)

Cycle monitoring again today. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday to get blood drawn and an ultrasound up my vagina is not a fun way to start the weekend. 

Doesn’t help that my stomach is unimpressed with me. Not sure if that’s nerves or what. I’m feeling a bit bloated and cramps, which is weird for this point in my cycle. It could be I’m hyper aware of my body because of this process, or maybe it’s the drugs. Or maybe it all in my head. Who knows. 

(10:45am)

Just got home from the appointment. Dr Dv says I have two nice looking follicles. One at 17mm one at 19mm. She wants to give the 17mm one another day to grow so I have to go back tomorrow. 

So it’s another trip downtown tomorrow to check on that, and if I haven’t surged they’re going to give me a trigger shot to ensure I ovulate in the following 36 hours. Then Monday I’ll go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork followed by the IUI. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

(10:20pm)

I’m getting ready for bed and all the sudden I’m feeling very melancholy. I assume it’s the medication making me emotional, but honestly…. I’m having some doubt. I’m all alone. And even though I know I have people I could call if I need help, I’m unreasonably upset that I need to ask for it. 

I fully admit that this is my problem, and not anyone else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing someone would call and ask how things are going. Offer to help. Or even just want to hang out.  

I guess I’ve always been a loner, and if there isn’t an event of some kind, I’m not really the person people call just to chill. I don't really know why. And maybe I’m too old to change. 

Going to head to bed and hope tomorrow morning has me feeling better about everything. 

Another 6am day for cycle monitoring. 

More to come…

January 19, 2020 (7:38am)

Another day. Another cycle monitoring. 

Not feeling much better this morning. But all I can do is power through. I know I’m making the right choices for me, so a little doubt isn’t going to stop the journey now. 

January 20, 2020 (7:25am)

I wasn’t really in the mood to update yesterday. It took most of the day for me to shake the funk I’d gotten into. 

My bloodwork and ultrasound were good. Then I waited for quite awhile to see a Dr. Dr Dv wasn’t in yesterday so I ended up seeing Dr B. He was very nice and took the time to explain what would happen next, which I appreciated considering how insane the clinic was yesterday morning. 

He confirmed IUI for today, and said I needed the trigger shot. 

So after talking to him I went and waited for a few more minutes for the nurse who took me back for the shot and then explained the IUI-day process even more. 

She then took me to reception to pay for the trigger shot ($108) and the IUI admin fee ($495) before I was free to go. 

I decided to take today as a personal day since I’m not sure what the day is going to be like and I’m not feeling 100%, mentally, still. 

I got here at 6:30 this morning and waited, as always, for the clinic to open. At 7am I signed in for ultrasound, blood and to see Dr Dv. Since I was so high on the lists I decided to wait until after they were done to head to andrology to sign and have my donor sperm thawed and prepped. 

Blood and ultrasound went fine and the signing was quick. So now I’m waiting for the Dr to call me back. I’m not sure if I’m meeting her before I go back to be inseminated or not. 

But I do know I’ve got an hour before anything happens. Thankfully they’ve got wifi and I brought a book. 

(8:38am)

It’s been just over an hour and now I’m getting nervous again. 

I really don’t want to do this alone. But I’ll power through. 

(9:49am)

I’m lying here for the ten minute wait. The insemination went well and after this I just have to get my suppositories from the nurse and go home. 

Facebook just told me it’s apparently blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Not gonna lie, I kinda like that this was my insemination date. 

(11:45am)

It honestly doesn’t feel real. I’ll be using progesterone suppositories until February 2, when I go in for a pregnancy test. 

The dreaded two week wait. 

Thankfully I’ll be busy with packing, moving and unpacking which should hopefully keep me distracted enough to not obsess over it all. 

We’ll see. 

More to come….

January 21, 2020

So the last couple of days have been a bit of a train wreck for me, emotionally. I’ve just been feeling very down, and having some doubts about pretty much everything. I also didn’t get nearly as much packing done as I wanted to this weekend. 

But yesterday a friend reached out and asked me how the day went. It helped me remember that there are some people who care about what I’m going through right now.

Okay, that’s not fair. I know all of my friends and family care, but I can tell they don’t know how to handle this process, so they’ve pretty much decided to stay hands off. Which is their choice. It’s just a bit isolating.

Anyway, I texted with K for a bit and went to bed feeling less alone that I had during the day. 

Got up this morning and it’s back into the work routine. Unfortunately I wasn’t the only person who took an unexpected day yesterday, so the workload is a bit of a mess. And I had to make it clear to the team that I wouldn’t be working any overtime until after my January 29 move day, because I have too much to do.

Now to power through the rest of the day and get some packing done when I get home.

The next 12 days are going to be interesting, that’s for sure.

More to come…

[makingbabyk]

i love this age of millennial parents tweeting the daily antics of their children

[makingbabyk]

May 30, 2019

So here’s the beginning… well, really I guess the beginning was when I made this decision 10 years ago. But for our purposes, this is really where the fun starts. Let’s start with a disclaimer though.

Hi everyone. If you’ve come to this blog, you probably know me to some degree. So let me be clear, I’m using this space to chronicle my journey into the world of fertility, and the life events that happen around that journey. That will probably mean I spend some time talking about bodily functions that you maybe don’t want to hear about. Whether you’re a friend, or family, I don’t want to hear you complain because I talked about my vagina and you don’t want to hear about it. This blog is about making a baby. And if you don’t know how babies are made, you need to go talk to the person who raised you.

So why am I doing this? Well, I want a kid. I’ve wanted a kid since I was a kid. I’ve always known I was supposed to be a mom. It just took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t going to happen in the traditional way. Let me tell you a story…

When I was a kid, I was sure that all women did things the way my mom did. You got married at 20, you had your first kid at 22 and your second by 26…. That was just the way it was done. As I got older I of course knew that those ages weren’t set in stone, but the general timeline was still stuck in my head. I was 25 before I woke up and realized that getting married and having a kid before I was 30 probably wasn’t going to happen. I needed to change my expectations. 

And so I did. It occured to me that what I wanted was to be a mom… being a wife was secondary, just a stop on the road to mom. And honestly? I wasn’t all that concerned with finding a life partner. If it was going to happen, it would happen, there’s no time limit on relationships. There IS however, a time limit on getting pregnant. And my clock was starting to wind down. So I made myself a promise. If I hit 35, with no partner in sight, I was going to have a baby on my own. 

When I hit 30 I became less concerned with the 35 age limit, and more concerned with making sure I was capable of having a kid by that age. I needed to lose weight, save money, and make sure my income was such that I could afford this kid. That’s a multi-year project, and it was hard work. 

But now? I’m 34. And it’s baby time.

More to come….

September 6, 2019

So I haven’t written anything in the last few months because there hasn’t been anything to tell.  

After a very stressful end to 2018 and a hectic beginning to 2019 I’ve spent the last 6 months trying to get my eating and exercise routine back on track. It’s been an uphill battle and it took me longer than I like to realize I can’t do it on my own. So I hit the nutritionist for a kickstart on the food thing, and I’ll be seeing my old trainer for a kickstart on the workout thing. 

In addition to that, I got into my doctor for my regular yearly check up yesterday, and told her I wanted a referral to the fertility clinic of my choice. So in addition to the regular yearly check up tests, I also had to do extra bloodwork and then book an ultrasound, since the clinic would make me do all that anyway.

My doctor, Dr W, was very supportive and we talked a bit about what the fertility clinic would probably have me do once I got in for my initial consult. She also confirmed that she can’t be my primary care once I get pregnant, which is a bit of a downer, but not too much of a surprise.

Today I had the ultrasound appointment, which was ooddles of fun I can tell you. (If there was a sarcasm font I’d be using it here.) First the tech did an abdominal ultrasound, which wasn’t anything special. Then she sent me to go pee and it was on to the fun times. The transvaginal ultrasound. 

For anyone who doesn’t know, that is exactly what it sounds like. They shove a probe up your vaginal and take pictures that way. 

It wasn’t enjoyable by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn’t painful or anything. The last part of if was a bit more uncomfortable because apparently my left ovary is a bit higher and she had to really press in order to get a clear picture for the measurements they need.

Overall it wasn’t the best way to spend my lunch hour, but I figure I’m about to have a lot of people all up in my business, so I better get used to it.

Next week will be my follow up with Dr W to go over all the results and then send them off to the clinic. Then it should be 6-8 weeks for me to get an appointment. Followed by a month or two of cycle monitoring, I’m sure. It’s going to be the new year before I even get to try and actually get pregnant, I think. But at least the process has been started!

More to come…

September 12, 2019

Today I had my follow up to last week’s physical. My Cholesterol is still a bit high, but only in the range of “cut back on the processed foods please” and not “you need to be on medication.” So that’s not too bad.

The ultrasound came back good, I have a couple of fibroids, 5mm and 9mm each, which aren’t a big deal, according to my doctor. 

And all the other bloodwork came back fine. 

So Dr W is sending the referral request to Create Fertility today. Hopefully they’ll give me a call in the next week, and I’ll be in their office inside 8 weeks.

Yesterday I got the news that a coworker and his wife are expecting their first baby. That’s starting to be a very annoying thing to hear. On the one hand I’m super excited for them, and for all the people in my life who are having babies (and there seems to be a lot of them). But on the other hand… I’m months away from even getting to start to TRY and get pregnant. And it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars to do it. It’s frustrating, and a bit depressing at times.

But I’m trying really hard to keep an upbeat attitude and not let other people’s successes make me feel like a failure. 

Easier said than done, but I’ll keep working on it.

Or maybe it’s just hitting me so hard today because it’s rainy and gloomy and I just want to curl up in bed because my stomach was messed up last night so I didn’t get a lot of sleep.

Yeah. I’ll go with that.

More to come…

September 21 (10:30pm)

Someone remind me why I can’t just go out and find a guy to have sex with on the right days who will then then fuck right off and I never have to see him again?

I may have woken up at 4am and had a full day of sun and alcohol. I need to go to sleep. 

More to come ….

September 30 (9:30pm)

I got the call from the clinic today. 

I was at work and when I looked at my phone to see who was calling me… I damn near cried. I was just so relieved to know it was going to happen. 

My appointment is October 29 at 11am. They say it’ll take 2-3 hours. That’s a Tuesday so I had to talk to my boss about what kind of time I should take off, since it’s right in the middle of the day. I also decided to tell him why I’ll be going to appointments. He was very understanding and said it wouldn’t be a problem for me to take the time when I needed it. 

So the appointment will include blood work and another set of ultrasounds. Apparently the previous tech didn’t do a follicle count, so that needs to be done. 

On the one hand I’m so excited and I want to talk about it with everyone. On the other I’m scared out of my mind. I’m doing this alone and some days I wonder how I can make it all work. I know I have support but when I start to think about going to birth classes alone. And going through labour and delivery alone. Midnight feedings alone.

 Some days it all feels like it’ll be too much. Then I see a mom with her baby and I ache for it. It scares me how much I want this some days. How much I ache to have a baby. 

I’m terrified it might not happen. And I don’t know what I’ll do if none of this works. I think I could be content without a child. But I’m not sure I’d feel happy or fulfilled. 

Truth be told, I probably need to start therapy. There’s so much going on in my head, it’s probably a good idea to talk it out with someone. 

Just another thing to add to the growing list. 

More to come ….

October 8, 2019

So on Friday last week I got a call from the Co-op housing building that I’ve been on the waitlist for the last 3 years. There’s a one bedroom available on December 1 and they were asking me if I wanted to come view it. I said yes and I’m going to look today. The problem is that I seem to be the only person in my life who absolutely doesn’t want me to have to move right now. I’ve already told my landlord I’ll be staying past the end of my lease, which is November 30. It’s also the holiday season, which is an insanely busy time for me. And I’ve got the start of my fertility treatments coming up. The thought of having to move right now makes me want to vomit and cry. 

Thankfully I’m pretty sure I won’t actually get the unit, there’s a couple of people in front of my on the wait-list who want it, apparently. So I probably won’t actually have to worry about it. But if they both change their minds, then I’m going to need to figure out if I can actually handle moving in December, AGAIN. But also if I can afford two apartments in December since I don’t have enough time to give my landlord the 60 days notice I’m required to. 

If I don’t get it/don’t take it if I do get it, AND if my promotion comes through this month. In the new year I’m going to ask to get moved to the two bedroom waitlist. If I wait until I’m in a one bedroom unit, I won’t be able to apply for the two bed until I’ve been there for a year. And I will need a two bedroom unit once the kid is here, or at least after they leave a crib.

Overall this week has sucked large and I’m so ready for it to be done. And it’s only Tuesday. 

But I’m going to Shady Queens, a charity drag ball, on Thursday night and I’m taking Friday as a personal day to reset my brain and go to Tweed early. Dad and I have the home opener of the Belleville Sens Friday night and Sunday is turkey day. So some family time, a four day weekend, and a chance to recharge my brain are on the way. I just need to get through these next three days.

More to come….

October 22, 2019

Remember when I said “Thankfully I’m pretty sure I won’t actually get the unit, there’s a couple of people in front of my on the wait-list who want it, apparently. So I probably won’t actually have to worry about it.”? Well… I got it. 

I went to the viewing and when I got there the property manager told me there were actually two units available and I could have my pick. Somehow 23 people in front of me on the waitlist decided they didn’t want either unit. So I went and looked and fell in love with the second unit, it’s on the 7th floor and is above the courtyard tree line so it gets lots of sun, faces south west and is generally awesome.

I left the place and called home to freak out with mom and dad about having to move in less than 2 months with everything else that is going on. They managed to talk me off the ceiling and I called the co-op the next day to tell them I wanted the unit. Since there was going to be reno’s happening in the month before my move in date, I also asked if it would be possible to move in a day or two early, December 1 would just be a really awful day for me to have to move. And that’s when the manager said the sweetest words I’ve ever heard, “Oh, the 7th floor unit isn’t available until February 1.” Folks, I damn near cried in relief.

I went back the next week to pay the deposit and get the hydro info I needed and now I’m officially moving February 1. Well, probably a day or two early, but yeah.

It was an emotional few days, but thankfully I now don’t have to worry about adding a move on top of all the other shit going on. I don’t even have to think about it until January, really. I just have to give my notice to my landlord and arrange the movers. 

And now I can focus on my consultation appointment in a week… holy shit, that’s in one week.

More to come….

October 28, 2019

Well I was doing fine, not really nervous, and not really thinking about tomorrow’s appointment. Then a coworker asked me if I was taking tomorrow off for my appointment and my stomach dropped and now I want to throw up. Of course that isn’t helped by the fact that I’m stress eating. So I’ve had too much sugar, am feeling nauseated. And I’ve got more than a half dozen other things going on this week that also need my mental attention. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty freaked out and just want to crawl back into bed and cry. 

I’m not anticipating a decent night's sleep tonight, which will make tomorrow’s appointment all the more fun, I’m sure. 

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to get to that appointment tomorrow and they’re going to tell me I’m too fat to have a baby. I don’t even know what I would do if that happens. 

I keep starting sentences and then deleting them because all I can think to type is the same circular freak out over and over again. So I guess I’ll close this until I have something to say tomorrow. 

Although if they tell me to worst, I’ll probably just delete this entire thing; no point in a baby blog if there will never be a baby. 

Fuck. I need to find something else to focus on.

More to come… hopefully...

October 30, 2019

Yesterday was the consult and it actually went well.

First I had a 30 minute wait then the pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasounds, followed by another wait before getting in to see the doctor, Dr Dv.

We went over my medical history and what it was I wanted to have happen. She immediately recommended a high dose of folic acid, so I started that last night too.

She then ordered half my blood be drawn for tests, they took 12 vials yesterday and I need to go back for more today.

She also wants me to have a tube test done, that’s where they put a foam up through my cervix and use an ultrasound to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked.

I also need to go to a counselling session, since I’m using a sperm donor, which is fine because I wanted to do that anyway.

And then I had to get another pelvic exam with some swabs taken.

So the total for the day was 12 vials of blood, three times I had to get undressed and redress, and 2 different people up my vagina.

She did answer a lot of my questions, like:

I need to pick my sperm donor before my next appointment so we’re ready to go when it’s time

I only need 1 vial at a time for the insemination

She wants to try 3 rounds natural, and if I’m not pregnant after that then we will reevaluate the treatment plan

My BMI is high, but she’s happy I’ve been losing weight and wants me to continue what I’ve been doing, every pound lost will only help me and it’ll make pregnancy easier

Overall it was an emotional day, but it’s actually happening!

Next up is the last of the bloodwork today, tube test and counselling on November 26 and then my follow up with Dr Dv on December 4.

It’s gonna be a crazy month, but holy shit this is happening.

More to come….