#i’m still in school augh gonna be thinking about tbis augh

[thechibilitwick]

the yaoi hype stayed !!

ouh my god oh.Ohmygodn….whwhswhhw WHATTTT!!!!! killed by domestic yaoi beam

[shedidntfitin]

7/8/19

Good Morning!

Oh how the thoughts have been roaming; heading back to school in 26 days, huzzah!

Sew another stressor that’s been dancing around in my head. (let’s start with backstory) I come from a family of Roman Catholics, and we were good Catholics; never read the bible (pay the priest to do it on Sundays), made sure we sinned enough to have a good confession, the works. And then one day my brother decided to go visit the Southern Baptists next door, sew he became obsessed with the idea of being a good christian, got one of my sisters into it for a bit too (though I believe her draw to it was much different). He decided to become a college missionary with FOCUS. The deal is, he’s become intensely religious; he was gonna be a priest until he fell in love. My eldest sister came out as a lesbian to Mom and Dad (maybe the siblings maybe not, not me at least, though I had assumed she had years prior sewwww....) roughly 2 years ago if I remember properly (times wobbly wobbly and hella slow) and 9 months later I told Mom and Dad I was transgender and let it spread from there. Somewhere around that time apparently Dominic had told Mom he wasn’t sure he could go to Kaitlyn’s eventual wedding cause it would be sacrilegious and all that bullshit; I understand your desire to hold up your religion and all, but there is an aspect of marriage that is areligious in the current day if that’s what you really need and we can have an argument on God’s supposed homophobia that the church claims at a later date.

Sew I feel like that establishes perspective on my brother. My siblings and I range between 20 and 30 years of age (roughly), sew we don’t generally wind up in the same space to frequently, 2 siblings are way up north, 2 siblings are a couple hours in opposite directions, I hope to move where it’s illegal to shoot me. I was never one to actually “come out” to most people, I would just be me and let people as if they desired, sew I knew my sisters knew cause we are emotionally connected; I wasn’t sure if Dom knew cause we’re not sew connected, and I didn’t bring it up because of his afore mentioned religiosity and my desire not to have a fruitless battle as he is often one to argue for the sake of arguing, often waiting for the other party to declare their position sew he can pick the opposite (he has stated that this is something he likes to do). A few visits back, he did take the time before leaving to say he loved me and would protect me regardless of my gender (I don’t quite remember his words, but that was the idea it sent while being worded in an eh kind of manner). Last week he came to visit cause he was getting his kid baptised. Eventually we got to a point to talk privately, we do enjoy our theory and philosophy based discussions, but this one rubbed me wrong.

He asked me if believed it was possible to love someone but also reject a part of them... He didn't add any sort of context to the question, but it was apparent as to what he meant. I don’t think well on my feet sew I wasn’t quite sure how to word and structure my response, but the point I had made was it depends on how much that quality defines the person’s identity; you don’t accept the person’s delight in chocolate milk? Whatever, who gives a shit? It’s just a delightful beverage in which you cannot find a passion. You can’t accept that they’re a girl regardless of the Y chromosome with which she was cursed, well fuck off, it’s who she is. Mary and Donovan are not the same person, just the same clump of cells (3 more years and they won’t be that either). Donovan was a rather shit person. He was rather prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, he canned his emotions, he tried to fit to society, tried to wear the face of a “man,” he was really shit. Mary, however, is much more delightful. Obviously I’m much more pro LGBTQ+, otherwise that’s be a tad masochistic or egotistical, depending on how I felt about myself within the community. I’ve gotten to the point of fuck society, I mean I like people, they’re wonderful (and terrible, I hate em too augh) but the collection. Mary knows how to think for herself while Donovan didn’t and society still doesn't. I’ve somewhat gotten better at the avoidance of gender expectations (though not quite, I do constantly think “would this be what a girl does” I’ve just gotten better at not letting that decide how I act. I am much more open with my emotions. Ya know, for the longest time I hadn't cried, but a couple years ago, when I had heard of my grandma’s death, the floodgates had opened (not an uncommon response, I know), but now i don’t just get sad and think, well this would be a good time to cry I suppose, I actually do. Used to, I wasn’t one to get mad, now I don’t just shove irritants aside. I actual conflict with them, allow myself to feel and move onward (which is what I’m doing now, I suppose). 

I’m not a man nor a boy. Though I allow people whatever name they desire to use for me, I’m not Donovan. He’s dead. I carry his memory (well much of it, we got hit by a bus, TBI, memory doesn't truly exist). We even have the science now to point out that; though gender is somewhat a human construct, at least in its representation; gender is a piece of psychology which we do not control, as if we control any of our own psychological processes. If you can’t accept that I’m a girl (you can go with woman if you prefer, I just like to see myself more a kid than adult), if you can’t accept Mary, then you can’t accept me, and thus, you don’t love me. You love an idea which you want to equate to me, but it’s not me. If you brush away the crumbs, you can still enjoy your buttered toast, but if you remove the bread all together, then you’re just eating butter. A somewhat shitty metaphor it may be, but it covers the idea to which I refer. Yes, you can love someone while rejecting pieces of them, crumbs of them, but when you reject the core of their identity, then yea, you don’t love them. 

Anywho, that’s what's been plaguing my mind as of late. I can’t wait to get back to school though! I can dance around in my lovely lavender dress while playing and writing music. One day

Toodles! (^w^)