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[shedidntfitin]

3/27/21

Hey, how are? *you both continue walking in opposite directions*

It’s The South, and this is our culture. I always chirp in response, and today Chris asks me why; he says that the "Hi, how are you" was a matter of respect, but is it?

When I say "how are you," I'm telling you that at this very moment, you are the most important thing to me, that I want to know about and be involved in your life. When we say it in passing we still mean the same thing (sorta, we never really think about its meaning when we say it), but at the same time we walk away, taking not even a moment to hear how they are, much less the story that that accompanies it. Furthermore, we don't neither to give nor receive a genuine answer; simply to say good and carry on. The words are respect, but the act is a mask for a concern that we don't feel. We may even think we feel that concern, but in walking away, we very clearly express that at that particular moment, we aren't.

We want the person to feel that care about them, and in most cases we do, though we do express this to those about whom we are ambivalent and those we detest; partially to maintain the mask, partially because it's our training, and it's what we do unconsciously. However, if it's an unconscious act, an act we do regardless of whether or not we respect them, then is it an act of respect? How can it be? Like yea, you should respect everyone, but that doesn't mean treating them the same, but respecting a person isn't simply reading a script.

What would you do if the person said "terrible," and you could hear the pain in their voice? What's the probability that you'd stop and ask them about it? What's the probability you'd keep on going? What's the probability that you wouldn't even process that shit was wrong before you were a couple hundred feet away? What's the likelihood that if you're thinking the more compassionate answers they're accurate? And what's the likelihood that they would stop with the answer? All of these are highly unlikely, which is probably why we don't answer with anything other "good."

In reality I would say the passing "how are you" is more disrespectful than respectful because it's saying "I care about you" while acting the exact opposite; asking for the person's story but taking no time to listen, only doing what protocol dictates; outright feigning a desire to support the person while genuinely having no intention of following through. When the two of you are meeting, taking time to actually talk to each other and to communicate, helping/celebrating/sharing in their emotion, of course that's respect because it's full and sincere, giving them your full attention, but when you're walking by, you're not giving them your time, focus, nor concern; it's simply 4 words that carry a meaning lost in actions and the lack there of. I chirp because it's my way of expressing that I see them and they are someone I care enough to address in a positive manner while not pretending that I'm offering time that neither of us expect me to give. It's also why my other response is consistently "dande like a lion," A) I think it's a cute pun, and B) I let the tonality express how I am actually feeling, and if the person picks up on the conflict of tone and word (easier to detect in something you don't hear often or only hear from a specific place), they'll either inquire or they won't (of course not everybody can read tonality, but I haven't found them too often). Chris tells me I'm rude, but I'd say moreso that the societal expectation is rude. It is what it is.

Anyway, hi, how are you?

Smooches and snuggles

Mary

[shedidntfitin]

Gender is a performance, and I only just realized I misread the key signature.

gender is a performance and i’m an overenthusiastic extra who plays 11 different characters, and whose stupidly energetic line delivery makes me an audience fave and also widely despised by the rest of the cast

[shedidntfitin]

1/11/21

AAAHHHHH SEW CLOSE! (if only that 2 were a 1. February next year, though).

What is this world in which we live? 4 days ago they upgraded the metaphorical “storm the castle” to the literal. And they wonder why we want stricter gun regulations (personally I want no guns at all, but at this point we would need martial law to establish it, which isn’t exactly a crowd favorite). Why do people do it? Ya know? All the serious issues are being approached peacefully, the BLM protests for example, and they are seen as an offense and a terror... for standing there. The very same people who are getting mad at the peaceful protests choose to riot and attack. The worst irony is that they in the process of verifying the results of the election, exactly what the rioters wanted. The verification wasn’t going to change anything cause Biden won, and by a large enough amount that it really wasn’t questionable that the outcome was legitimate, and they knew that, or else they wouldn’t have attacked. To call it a temper tantrum is an understatement. 

They lost the election, and that sucks for them cause it’s not the outcome they want, I get that; after all I’ve spent the past 4 years under the reign of an inhuman monster who take away the rights of most of us. They lost to a guy who is actually looking to help the masses, so they can shut up and give us a 4 year relief before they try to put another tyrant in the office. I’d say he has a silver tongue that gets people to overlook his villainy, but he doesn’t, and doesn’t make any attempt at acting like he wants one. He shouts whatever pops into his head and doesn’t really give a shit who gets hurt cause he’s got the money to be sure it isn’t him. People don’t want to think for theirselves, so instead voting for a candidate they vote for a party or a single issue; they are given a candidate who is actually bad for them (ie a trans person I found that supports Trump), and they support that candidate whole heartedly. You get hit with an extreme like trump, and some people will move over, but still nearly half of the eligible voting population supports him. He wants to take away most peoples’ rights, and still he receives such support.

I miss being a little bitty, ignorant to all that was going on, only worrying about field day at the end of the year. Now I sit here not only seeing the terror that surrounds me but also seeing that I’m affected too, and even when we have our rights legally, we will still have to fight society to actually keep them. I feel like an old person; tired, jaded, and just done with it; but I’m still just a kid. I think Ima just curl up in bed here, watch Steven Universe, and cry myself to sleep as I fear the universe in which I live. yea... that sounds about right :(

[shedidntfitin]

11/2/20

Augh ya know; my least favorite phrase of election season, “If you chose not to vote, you don’t have a right to complain.” Like, yea; if you didn’t vote and the candidate you wanted didn’t win, yea it’s a bit hypocritical to complain that your candidate lost, but if you don’t like either candidate, then you have full grounds to complain

(to that you say, “what about third party candidates?” but the fact that the campaign is referred to as “either candidate” by most everyone, and the fact that most people can’t name a single third party, much less a candidate, shows the pointlessness of that vote, and sadly that pointlessness is self-feeding; it’s only futile because the majority believe it’s futile... but I digress).

It’s the equivalent of, “I’m going to stab you with one of these knives, but if you want, I’ll let you pick one; if you don’t, I’ll pick.” You’re getting stabbed whether you pick or I do, so yea, you’ve got full grounds to complain. Don’t get me wrong, I voted Biden cause of the two candidates, he’s not trying to strip me of my rights (along with a fuckton of other shit trump is doing, but I’m a tad selfish, so my first concern is the trans community, then the rest of the rainbow squad, then the rest of the minorities, and finally the rest of society), but beyond that, I’m not certain; nowadays (and probably always) campaigning is really just saying, “fuck the other guy,” instead of, “this is what’s good about me.” Fuck politics; I’d say it’s no longer for society, but it never really was, was it?

Anywho, how bout the rest of life that’s me specific and not society (don’t get me wrong, I could rant about COVID-19, but I’m really not in the mood). Hey, I got a job at the Depot; I’m like a real adult now (ew). Luckily I don’t start till 3pm and 6:45pm depending on the day, working till 9 and 12 respectively (Kassie, I’m partially putting this for you in case you’re ever wanting to call and it’s M-F <8). I still feel really awkward cause I’m never sure if I’m doing what I should be doing, or what I should do next, and I keep asking my manager what I should do and I fear I’m annoying him and possibly seeming hella inept. Also it’s my hometown, sew I’m living in the closet (sarcastic yaaaaay). Still I’m getting $10,000 which should help with living expenses next year. Black Friday is coming up soon, sew we should be getting some fun trucks soon enough; we’ll see.

I want cake... I’d go bake some but it’s 3:30 am. And it take a hot minuet. Or maybe cupcakes would be nice.

And I haven’t done shit for music since I’ve graduated. I keep wanting to, but I don’t :( and thus I frustrate myself. My next comp I wanna do is my tarot piece(s), but for that I need to study tarot and to make decisions. Do I want to do a T&V, with a theme that encompasses all of tarot and 22 variations to cover each major card. Or do I want to do 22 separate pieces and then either 1 or 4 for the minors? What type of ensemble? If I do multiple pieces, do I want them to have the same type of ensemble, or maybe shape the type of ensemble to the card? Do I dare compose an accompanied solo, attempting a piano part? Sew many questions. Sew few answers. Whatever shall I do?

Anywho, that’s the sitch. Sweet dreams

Smooches and Snuggles <8

Mar-bear

[shedidntfitin]

8/29/2020

He’s here today. And I’m done with my class so I am low on excuse to stay in my room all so fuck. His wife has been here and will continue to be here; she’s less frustrating but the real frustration is that she increases the likelihood of Dominic’s visits (it’s also frustrating how angry she gets with Judah, the kid is still in trust v mistrust, leaning heavy on baseless trust, so of course he’s going to endanger himself; chill and realize he doesn’t get it instead of going for the psychosocial attack). Hopefully I won’t have to deal with him much.

Why is he even here? Misses his kid and wife, yea, but mother fucker’s gotta find an apartment in Knoxville. He’s currently being housed by a family up with whom the bishop hooked him until he finds a living arrangement for him and Anna. He should not visit before he finds, and preferably starts moving in. Seriously dick move. He’s hella religious; I feel like there’s a beatitude which addresses this issue. Maybe being merciful by not draining these people who gift you with their home, I believe it is for free and I am certain they share their resources with you. Maybe being meek; the gentle kindness of again not draining them, allowing them a less taxing favor to you and the bishop. Being poor in spirit, humble, realizing you don’t deserve this kindness in that it is unearned due to a lack of relationship. And then you could just look through the book and realize that the character its teachings reinforce is one of finding a place and moving out. It’d be one thing if you could search during the weekdays, but you’re a teacher, and it’s your first year so you’re spending even more time outside of class figuring out how you’re gonna go about teaching, so you’ve gotta spend your time fixing your living arrangements. Augh I wanna slap you.

In the end I really don’t like you. I want to want to reject you, to kick you out of my life and simply not care for your existence. But no. I’m fucked. You rejected me, and I want so desperately your acceptance, your love. You give me pain, and I can’t return it. I tell the percussionists performing my letter not to even put  the letter into the program, much less say it because they represent Dominic; they aren’t even him, but I can’t even let them know, for that would break the letter. Why? How do you hold this power over me, whether you want it or not. I  want to hate you, but I can’t. I want to tell you, but I can’t. I want to let you go, but I can’t. Why is life this way? 

Fuck the universe; it’s dumb. Let’s just go make whoopee pies after he leaves.

[shedidntfitin]

8/16/2020

Not my usual choice of rantitude, but holy fuck, big brother (who knows later I might go into my sister in law coming to live with us for a couple weeks).

Anywho, if you’re unfamiliar with how the show works, it starts with 16 people in a single house competing for a large sum of money. Every week they compete for the position, head of household (HOH); the HOH decides which 2 go up for eviction, and at the end of the week the house votes which person is evicted. There are 2 protections, a veto you can win each week and a safety suite; you only get one safety suite and you compete with everyone who decided to use it that week and if you win you and a person you select are, as you may have guessed, safe for the week.

Of course, you play the game to win, so you have to put yourself first in your actions, but you don’t gotta be a dick about it. The HOH this week is Memphis. He decides to sorta threaten everyone into using their safety suite tonight. Its only week 2 and he got 8 people to use their one safety net by pretty much saying he was going to evict them. 2 of the people were from his alliance, that way people wouldn’t suspect they working together... like motherfucker what kinda logic is that shit. With the 2 suites last week, we’re down to 5 remaining safety suites; Memphis, 2 of his allies, and 2 who haven’t a relationship with him. Out of his 14 options who do you choose? The 2 enemies who still have a safety suite, right? He puts one up and the other person he chooses, he’s been kinda a dick to as it is. Usually you try to save bridges between the 2 you select with an “I’m sorry, I had no real choice,” total bullshit, but it’s a kindness at the least. But no, he decides to tell the first, “see, I told you you should have competed for the safety suite” and to the second, “it’s time for you to play with the big kids.” Like. Mother fucker, why did that seem like something you should say. I really want him to get evicted next week augh!

o yea, sew my sister in law is coming to live with us for a bit as she prepares for her OT licensing exams. This way we can watch over their kid while she studies. Goddam though, she and Dominic are pretty excessive in their control over Judah. He popped out a year and a half ago and they’re so opposed to even the idea of him being in front of a tv. They brought him to our house for Christmas. We weren’t raised by those two, so we actually watch tv. We were watching a movie and Anna was all, can you turn that off, we don’t want our SIX MONTH OLD watching tv. Like, child; your bullshit aside, the tv isn't going to stick, and ya know, it might actually improve cognitive development cause sounds tend to do that as the brain is developing by senses and sound is the most potent as it is constantly changing, not allowing you to make a minor adjustment snd sense a constant. The kid is developing speech patterns, If they are only accustomed to one pattern of speech, they lack variety in their thought process and perspective. They’re so strict with everything in which that kid is involved, tv was just an example.

Like, I get that with your first kid your concern and shit is excessive, but they’re beyond that cause they had the kid too early; neither had a solid job, a solid residence. Dominic just got an actual job a week ago; Anna still can’t get a job in her field for another month or so. Dominic decided 6 months in that he was going to propose, 9 months later they’re getting married, another 9 month and they’re in the hospital pulling a little bitty out of her uterus. It’s like they got married cause they wanted to fuck and they're so obsessed with catholicism, premarital sex is out of the question and so is protection. I’m pretty sure the real reason they got married so quick is cause they really wanted to fuck. (I believe I mentioned that before, but it still frustrates me)

I’d be fairly satisfied if just like when he was in college he just kinda disappeared and stopped communicating; I wouldn’t really be missing much. At the same time, I worry for Judah, and for my little nephew I shall maintain a relationship, not even telling Dominic that he’s a piece of shit, no matter how much I’d like to, so I just continue to write my frustrations on the snares of many performers.

sigh

[shedidntfitin]

7/3/20

Ahhhh nothing says joy quite like mortality. She passed a year or two ago, and we didn’t really get to know each other too well, but still we were friends and had some good times. We both really enjoyed Bo Burnham; we marathoned him when Make Happy came out, sew whenever I scroll through Netflix, and Bo comes up, I remember. The board game night we had, the thyme Scotty got her to stab me with a spoon when she didn't know I was in the hall (fuck you scotty), that thyme she did my hair, our thyme in band. And now she’s gone. Hell, I didn’t even know she had been comatose in the hospital till a couple weeks after she had passed. 

I don’t know, I’m just in a real fucked up mood at the moment. Maybe it’s the meds, hopefully when we finish the conversion. Fuck busses and TBIs. Or maybe I just need to get out of town, live up yonder with Hayley I hope. maybe it’s the ending of my attending Peabody. Maybe it’s dysphoria. Maybe it’s just that the world is dumb. I like just suspending time and existing forever in a single moment of thyme.

There are thymes I wish I was religious, specifically when it comes to mortality; I wish I could accept the notion that there is something beyond death, but I can’t without proof. If I haven’t seen what happens after life, or enough pieces of evidence from other aspects of life from which I can deduce an afterlife, then how could I believe. But the abyss of nonexistence is something I can’t comprehend either, and that terrifies the hell out of me. Terrible irony is it’s a fear of a point where there is literally nothing (to fear). At the same thyme I’m normally really freaking out as I contemplate this, but now I’m kinda feeling nothing... and that’s what we call depression; class is over, pick up your tests on the way out. 

Augh and then there’s my brother. I helped him move this weekend, and mostly it was cause there were 5 vehicles to be driven, and I’d be the 5th driver. Then it ended up that one car no longer had insurance cause they were returning it to sis in law’s dad, but they dropped the insurance first... sew we only needed 4 drivers. I wasn’t exactly necessary. That said, that being said, and having said that, it may have been good in the end; since Thursday I’ve been half asleep, so my driving may not have been the best idea. I probably would’ve been fine, but logic says that’d be a bad idea. Still I wasn’t totally necessary, but I suppose I did cut out 2-3 hours of work, or maybe not. But mom and dad mighta stayed an extra night as we got in at midnight with my assistance, seeeeew. I did very well having little to no interaction with him, and yet I don’t think he picked up on the notion that I had no care for his presence what so ever, and that there is the intention of the piece I composed, the drum is presenting my issue well, but the audience can never understand (well, unless they’re fluent in morse code). The only way to make it clearer for him would be to directly say go to hell (actually the ending of the piece). I’m terrified for Judah. If realizes he’s in the rainbow squad, I don’t think he could even tell Dominic, and worse if he did tell Dominic, I think he’d reject the kid, and I don't think he’d realize he’s rejecting him. He wouldn’t kick the kid out or anything, but he’d certainly be a piece of shit, no doubt. I wonder if they would’ve gotten married had they no intention of sex, and how long they would’ve stayed together in that scenario. sigh, those two.

I look to the future, hoping for some delight, maybe I’ll find a job or a composition opportunity that’ll be help for a bit. we’ll see

All my love turkey lips.

Valentine (seriously though, how fucking awesome is ender’s game!)

smooches and snuggles

sweet dreams <8

[shedidntfitin]

5/19/20

She says, “I know you don’t like to be told this but...” 

In my experience, the only reason to use that is to say something constructive, like, “I know you don’t like to hear this, but you really do have a problem and it’s affecting your loved ones.” Then it is acting to show the magnitude of the situation; this hurts, but we gotta do this.

She follows to say I’m just like my brother. I might have mentioned him and explained my distaste for the chap, sew there may be some redundancy here. As a kid I looked up to my brother, though he also frustrated the shit out of me. As I got older, I started to understand that he really was a dick. If he were a DND character, he’d have a charisma of 20, and we live in a small town; everybody knows and adores him, so he can be whoever he wants and they shall see no problem. In other words, he knows really well how to be an ass. He’s overly religious, so there’s issues created simply by my and my sister’s existence. He didn’t feel like God would be pop punk with the idea of attending a gay wedding, so he decided he couldn't go to my sister’s wedding. Ok, i comprehend; I think it’s bull shit, but I comprehend. Apparently God is Immanuel Kant (look at me, I know a moral philosopher), so he mustn’t lie to spare her, not even a lie of omission, or hell, he could’ve pointed to his infant’s upcoming surgery that was around the time as an excuse. Nope. What does he do? He HANDWRITES a letter that explains why God won't let him go, AND THEN he realizes his handwriting can be a tad difficult to read, so he types up a copy to accompany it. A handwritten note can be wonderful because it shows how much time and thought you put into the note, as there is a fuckton of brainwork that goes into writing, but with a letter like this, it shows how much time and thought he put into it and either didn’t realize how mean hurtful it was, or worse that he didn’t care. this is the guy to whom I am being compared. A guy who, when we finally have a moment to talk when everyone is out of the house and his son is asleep, decides to say to me, “what would you say if I told you that I loved you, and you’re part of my family, but I can’t accept Mary?” those may not have been his exact words; it was a few months back when the kid was getting baptized; but he decides to hide behind hypotheticals to tell me he rejects my identity. I was going to explain to him why that was an atrocious thing to say, the agony that it was, but then his damn kid woke up.

I never told Mom about that conversation, Dom causes enough issues for her (I’d say for the rest of us as well, but he doesn’t keep contact with us), I really didn't feel like adding that to the fire. He doesn’t understand, and I don’t know that he ever could understand that pain. It’s like that scene in Ender’s Game (the book, fuck the movie) where he’s on the raft with Val. The greatest pain he had was that he could never beat Peter, his brother. She tells him to go win the war, come home to see who cares about Peter. Ender explains that that wasn’t what he meant. He doesn't want to “beat” Peter; he wants Peter to love him. I do want that, I want my brother to love ME, not Donovan, but Mary. To say he doesn’t accept me without the mask is saying that he doesn’t love me, just the idea of me. That said, I don’t know how damaged that bridge has become. I don’t know that I could accept it, even he come see me and say, “Hey, Mary, my little sister, I love you.” Don’t get me wrong, that is something I so dearly want, but I don’t think that’ll be enough. I do believe, however, that for him to get to that point, he’d have to clean up the other negative aspects of his, so I might be able to accept his apology then. But still, the comparison hurts. He could save all the poor, destitute people in the world, and still the comparison would hurt because he has decided to put his religion, a religion that claims love as its pinnacle of truth, over loving his little sister, and he shows no struggle in that reasoning.

I did, however, explain how hurtful it was that she compared me to him, especially cause she knew it hurt. I don’t give a rat’s ass if we were identical in our personality, beliefs and everything else; I told you I didn’t like the comparison, so why do you insist on making it. She said she didn’t realize how much it hurt... I pointed to, “I know you don’t like to be told this...” If you wanna break down the reality of it, I’d say it’s an unconscious expression of power, showing that she had the power in the relationship as she could say such things. The times it’s said is to lash out; I cause some sort of frustration, she puts me in my place. He is the epitome of frustration, so he is the easiest comparison to find. I don’t hear it for the other kids though; I never hear anyone else be told they’re just like, especially not as frequently as me. It happened before I came out to Mom and Dad, but I feel like it escalated afterwards, as though they want me to be their son, so when they see me, the only comparison to which they can look is him. They’ve certainly made strides with my identity; my birthday cake said Mary Donovan (that is how I introduce myself), and now that I’m trapped here with COVID-19, they’re about 60-40 with calling me Mary, using my pronouns, and even calling me their daughter; but there are times with Mom that it seems like a struggle (Dad’s pretty quiet, so if he’s struggling, it’s hard to notice).

I sit there and doubt myself enough, making comparisons that I really don’t want, but it’s what happens on its own accord; I’m not looking for assistance. It may not be your “intention,” but that doesn’t change the hurt, doesn’t heal the pain. I love you, and that may play into the magnitude of pain, but, it hurts.

[shedidntfitin]

3/31/20

You ever have that moment of “WOAH THIS IS DOPE!” and then you see the school that costs $70,000 a year decided not to give you any scholarships... I just got accepted to a conservatory, and wow the ecstasy, but I had hoped I’d get a touch of money to ease the debt. I really want to go; I even got the teacher I wanted! Money, however is an insurmountable wall.

They made a point to say the full intention of the scholarships were to make the school affordable, that they were distributed by need more than some form of battle between applicants, so the only thing you send in for them to decide is your FAFSA. Mine didn’t include my parents, and I don’t have a job; how do I get no scholarship then??? Augh! I don’t understand the world.

I’ll see what loans I can get of course, and I believe I’ll probably try and ask around for donations, maybe start a go fund me, I don’t know! I have to give them my decision in two weeks. How does one do that? With donations, I would certainly want to find a way to give back to the donors; gifts, updates, something. Then there’s a whole other problem, if the town funds my education, I may need to keep my identity a little clandestine; they’d look at my work and say, “Who the fuck is this Mary chick???” If they put it together it might make our relationship a tad difficult, as well as their relationship with my parents. We live in the Bible Belt; I wouldn't be surprised if they tried to burn me at the stake. Not to mention my brother has already been hitting them up for money for years cause he works for a missionary people and thus has to raise his own funding; now I come and say I want some too. Ya know, it’s times like these I wish I were religious; I could hope that somehow affordability would find me. 

May we’ll figure it out... or maybe I’ll wallow in pain and agony. Who knows? Any thoughts? Ideas? 

love and flowers,

Mary

[shedidntfitin]

3/22/20

WOW! It’s been a hot minuet since we talked! Well we’ve sparked a battle with a new disease, I just rewatching Buffy and thus restarted House (12th viewing lol), and I’m finishing up what I believe/hope to be my final semester. With this whole, “We’re all gonna die,” shtick, my magnum opus has met its end :(        (ya know, I never know how to punctuate a sentence that ends with an emoticon; sorry, digression. Back to the original talk). I was going to have a concert performed of just my compositions, but with schools closing for the full semester, that’s not gonna happen. I was (still am) composing a piece that is the story of me, titled Dysphoria. I had a cellist playing alongside me, starting with trumpet and moving to French horn (representing the mask of masculinity, followed by the mask of femininity, then the cello drops out and it’s a solo French horn because the femininity is no longer a mask but my true self). The thing is, I’m stoked about this piece; I’ve put more thought into it than any of my others, but I’m struggling to write it; you could come up with a number of suspected reasons, but how could one decide which, if any, is true. I want to say my biggest struggle is the mechanics of it, I’ve never written less than 4 parts; now I’m writing a duet, sew I need to figure out how to make the instrument itself interesting. The trumpet’s gonna play jazz so one thought is using a mute, but how do I decide which is manly (or better, overtly ATTEMPTING to be manly). Then there’s the cello, an instrument with which I have only a vague familiarity. (I haven’t even gotten to the horn yet)

If you were to ask my mother, she would say the issue is that I’m too close to the issue, and that I need to wait till the end of my journey, but the journey of one’s identity is never over, is it? Even if I get the Estrogen and get my bits fixed, I’d still be growing in who I am as a woman cause that’s life. At this point it’s been 2 or 3 weeks since I last touched the score, and I’m terribly frustrated about that. Maybe I’m just scared of going back to the score; I do really wanna get this right, for it is my story. That’s then even more frustrating cause one could interpret it as supporting my mother’s argument. Augh! The human brain is frustrating. Maybe it’ll find its way to the page on its own. 

I suppose it also doesn’t help that I do lack a certain amount of confidence in my writing. You wanna tell a story right, and from the get go you think it’s gonna go bad before pen hits the page, every step will be hella difficult. I keep coming up with ideas for future compositions (most recent being having my tarot read and composing a piece with a movement per card), and I keep thinking to myself, “maybe I should set this piece aside and work on another,” but I don’t wanna push it out of the way and do other pieces, cause then I may never return. *sigh* The magic of art is the emotional connections it gives us, the ability to truly share ourselves with each other, but that is also what makes it difficult, for there are few things more difficult than opening one’s self, both to others and their self. We shall see how the future rolls and “Tumbl”s (lol)

It’s late; Mama’s gotta do that sleep thing, I suppose. 

sweet dreams, *smooches and snuggles* toodle-loo

[shedidntfitin]

7/12/19

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

I have finished polysci, hopefully to never take it again; oi how I hat politics and society.

Ya know, I was really looking forward to having the house to myself this weekend. I was gonna get nothing done an look pretty while not doing it, but alas, Nana got a UTI, sew mom’s sticking around to help Nana and Papa. But it’ll be ok, 22 days and I’ll be back at school. Huzzah.

Any who, hmmm what to talk about today... I’m not doing much at the moment, sew how about results of pensivity? Altruism is a strange concept, right? Like, the idea is for you to act in benevolence with no benefit to self, being disinterested and selfless, but is that possible? There may be no physical benefit, but there is a psychological benefit, for one feels good for doing good. One would have to be malevolent and actually despise the idea of doing good to receive no benefit from acting in benevolence, would they not? And if they were truly malevolent, why would they do a good deed except out of some sense of gain? The Christians would say Jesus is the epitome of altruism, I feel like he would be the worst example, for yes, he does a fuckton of good, but he benefits from it all. His identity is based in the idea of good, sew in doing good, he’s acting in a manner that bolsters his identity, not to mention that he would probably feel like shit if he didn’t. Furthermore, the Christian belief is that we are one with the lord, and he with us, sew every good deed he does is literally for his own benefit.

Altruism is nice in theory, but it would appear to play no role in society as we have a natural drive to do good, and to perform altruism, one would have to go completely against their natural drive. Though there are some who lack the natural drive to do good, it is highly unlikely that they would do good without some benefit, for the fact that they choose to do whatever means that doing it would be an accomplishment, and the person would have to be purely apathetic/antagonistic towards not only doing good, but also towards success. If they were to accidentally do good, it wouldn’t be altruism either, as altruism needs is a conscious effort. Altruism simply doesn’t exist, but that’s not a bad thing, for why should we not benefit from doing? Just because the do gooder gains doesn’t mean that the action is any less good. 

Sew do good, be delightful, and have a good night ^w^

sweet dreams

*smooches and snuggles*

[shedidntfitin]

7/11/19

Ohp, missed ya yesterday.

At the end of a summer class and oi is it stressful (polysci ewww)

Sew this piece I’m plotting out, something to reflect me pre and post outing. I’m thinking a solo piece with accompaniment in 2 parts in different voices. The first portion would be a trumpet, something with bravado ya know. It would walk in a minor key, reflecting the experience as I was forcing myself into the box of masculinity; sportsball, battle for power, showing strength everywhere I could, being quite a dick, etc.; all while consistently feeling off. When we enter the second portion, we switch to horn, similar to the first portion, though prettier cause the horn is prettier. After a couple phrases, it moves into a major key, for accepting Mary has made me a much happier person. I imagine it would be the same as Part A but major and added color and flourish.

Ya know, I felt like I had more to throw out there... maybe I’m just distracted by Sherlock in the other window. 

Love is weird, isn’t it? Like what really defines love. We establish a grand sea of relationships, each with different feelings, practices, and titles (other attributes that are not coming to mind, I’m certain), but how are they distinguished, truly. The two deepest relationships are family and romantic (before one makes an argument about the varying degrees of relationships within families, my designation of family is not based on genetics/parents/living arrangements/etc.). Family are the people upon whom one can always depend, upon whom one could open completely, but is that not also descriptive of a romantic love. Romantic love also comes with physical affections, but the physical isn't required; I’ve never really been one for the physical. I do like to cuddle and snuggle, but I can do that with anyone, romantic or platonic. Sew what is the difference between family and romantic for me, especially cause there are few to whom I would not extend the title family. How would I set my romantic partner aside from literally everyone else? I would definitely love them more (technically it’s a different type, sew it’s not exactly comparable in that manner), and I would give them more of my time, but how would I set them apart? I guess it would be the time I spend with them versus with everyone else, but beyond that, I would kinda treat everyone else like them as I am an unbound book with the world who will listen to all, help all, give gifts to all, do whatever favors, anything for anyone. Do I close myself off to lift up my Frodo? Or Sam, cause I imagine they'd be a lot more like Sam than Frodo cause Frodo was kinda eh... Maybe we’d be Pippin and Merry, I’d be Pippin with my being a bit irresponsible and hella bouncy and just the entirety of Pippin, sew they can be Merry. Side note, yes, I realize that I am using platonic relationships to describe my future romantic ones, but I do rather ship them, and I suppose I does kinda further my point about how would I define the two relationships from each other.

It’s certainly been a day. Hopefully the next will be another good one ^w^

Happy trails and sweet dreams

smooches and snuggles

[shedidntfitin]

7/9/19

Good morning Starshine, the earth says howdy!

Ya know, the world was pretty pop-punk today, sew I really don’t have much to share of the tip of my nose. Gimme a moment, I’ll think of something, I’m sure. Hmmmm.

You ever wonder where instinct comes from? Like yes, it’s for survival, but it’s something inherent to a person instead of learned, sew how do we have those specific instincts, for they’re not all the same, not even within ones own blood line. Such as the drive for power versus the drive for serving (and of course the spectrum which lies in between). People make an effort to take control, be it physical, intellectual, or whatever other quality in which they take pride or comfort. Of course it’s a survival technique; the predator uses fear to control the prey and the prey uses fear to ward off the predator. If one feels weaker, one feels frightened. But at the same time there is the servant. One who resigns to their weakness, making no effort to show strength, again as a survival technique; if one does not anger anger the predator, maybe the predator will ignore them or miss the prey all together. But why? Why is a person inherently proud or inherently humble, for they tend to show this trait from the start, not necessarily waiting for someone to teach them that they should be one or the other. Certainly parent’s and siblings do lay some sort of unconscious affect, being protective, talking big game about the child, reinforcing whether the child may be strong or weak. But would this not occur with all the children? Why would some be quite arrogant while others be timid?

I suppose there is a certain level of hormonal concentration to blame, each haploid cell is different, sew no two combinations would be the same (you can argue about identical twins, but I don’t know that I’d exactly call them two combinations, and in my experience, they’re not generally the same psychologically). Ya know, as I type on one subject, my brain runs off in another that’s about me as opposed to random speculation, just thought you’d like to know. Any who, so though there’s a genetic link, why is it not more consistent, within the family if not across the species. Though of course, the family binds two separate genetic lines, would it not still be consistent? though I suppose it is a mere sample size of 2 to 4 in most cases of siblings (number off the top of my head, not an actual statistic, but still I believe it’s a safe bet that the modern family doesn’t pop out 30 kids, a preferable minimum for a psych study). I guess yea as I establish my reasoning, it does make a lot more sense, but where’s the fun in admitting I’m wrong *queue the dropping of jaws from those who know me, as those are words I don’t generally say, though usually they don’t provide a potent argument to refute inspire doubt*

I feel like continuing talking though, sew where shall I go from here? I’m a composer, and I find that my work can perplex me from time to time. Often I think to myself about what I want to compose, generally something with high energy and a little bit aggressive, though when I get around to composing it tends to be something smoother and slower, some pick up pace, but it’s never quite the battle I would be contemplating. Speaking of unexpected battles, I was watching Sherlock the other day S1 E3, and I picked up a nice touch of irony as they spoke on Jupiter while playing the Mars movement of Holst’s Planet Suite; it made me giggle. Next on my list of compositions is gonna be a solo piece (accompanied) based on my gender identity, I think it has a fair amount of potential, though I think I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, for it may take up a fair amount of space. We’ll see where life takes us, hopefully somewhere pretty!

It’s 2 in the morn sew I should probably sign off. Good night, my sweet <8

*smooches and snuggles* Sweet dreams

[shedidntfitin]

7/8/19

Good Morning!

Oh how the thoughts have been roaming; heading back to school in 26 days, huzzah!

Sew another stressor that’s been dancing around in my head. (let’s start with backstory) I come from a family of Roman Catholics, and we were good Catholics; never read the bible (pay the priest to do it on Sundays), made sure we sinned enough to have a good confession, the works. And then one day my brother decided to go visit the Southern Baptists next door, sew he became obsessed with the idea of being a good christian, got one of my sisters into it for a bit too (though I believe her draw to it was much different). He decided to become a college missionary with FOCUS. The deal is, he’s become intensely religious; he was gonna be a priest until he fell in love. My eldest sister came out as a lesbian to Mom and Dad (maybe the siblings maybe not, not me at least, though I had assumed she had years prior sewwww....) roughly 2 years ago if I remember properly (times wobbly wobbly and hella slow) and 9 months later I told Mom and Dad I was transgender and let it spread from there. Somewhere around that time apparently Dominic had told Mom he wasn’t sure he could go to Kaitlyn’s eventual wedding cause it would be sacrilegious and all that bullshit; I understand your desire to hold up your religion and all, but there is an aspect of marriage that is areligious in the current day if that’s what you really need and we can have an argument on God’s supposed homophobia that the church claims at a later date.

Sew I feel like that establishes perspective on my brother. My siblings and I range between 20 and 30 years of age (roughly), sew we don’t generally wind up in the same space to frequently, 2 siblings are way up north, 2 siblings are a couple hours in opposite directions, I hope to move where it’s illegal to shoot me. I was never one to actually “come out” to most people, I would just be me and let people as if they desired, sew I knew my sisters knew cause we are emotionally connected; I wasn’t sure if Dom knew cause we’re not sew connected, and I didn’t bring it up because of his afore mentioned religiosity and my desire not to have a fruitless battle as he is often one to argue for the sake of arguing, often waiting for the other party to declare their position sew he can pick the opposite (he has stated that this is something he likes to do). A few visits back, he did take the time before leaving to say he loved me and would protect me regardless of my gender (I don’t quite remember his words, but that was the idea it sent while being worded in an eh kind of manner). Last week he came to visit cause he was getting his kid baptised. Eventually we got to a point to talk privately, we do enjoy our theory and philosophy based discussions, but this one rubbed me wrong.

He asked me if believed it was possible to love someone but also reject a part of them... He didn't add any sort of context to the question, but it was apparent as to what he meant. I don’t think well on my feet sew I wasn’t quite sure how to word and structure my response, but the point I had made was it depends on how much that quality defines the person’s identity; you don’t accept the person’s delight in chocolate milk? Whatever, who gives a shit? It’s just a delightful beverage in which you cannot find a passion. You can’t accept that they’re a girl regardless of the Y chromosome with which she was cursed, well fuck off, it’s who she is. Mary and Donovan are not the same person, just the same clump of cells (3 more years and they won’t be that either). Donovan was a rather shit person. He was rather prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, he canned his emotions, he tried to fit to society, tried to wear the face of a “man,” he was really shit. Mary, however, is much more delightful. Obviously I’m much more pro LGBTQ+, otherwise that’s be a tad masochistic or egotistical, depending on how I felt about myself within the community. I’ve gotten to the point of fuck society, I mean I like people, they’re wonderful (and terrible, I hate em too augh) but the collection. Mary knows how to think for herself while Donovan didn’t and society still doesn't. I’ve somewhat gotten better at the avoidance of gender expectations (though not quite, I do constantly think “would this be what a girl does” I’ve just gotten better at not letting that decide how I act. I am much more open with my emotions. Ya know, for the longest time I hadn't cried, but a couple years ago, when I had heard of my grandma’s death, the floodgates had opened (not an uncommon response, I know), but now i don’t just get sad and think, well this would be a good time to cry I suppose, I actually do. Used to, I wasn’t one to get mad, now I don’t just shove irritants aside. I actual conflict with them, allow myself to feel and move onward (which is what I’m doing now, I suppose). 

I’m not a man nor a boy. Though I allow people whatever name they desire to use for me, I’m not Donovan. He’s dead. I carry his memory (well much of it, we got hit by a bus, TBI, memory doesn't truly exist). We even have the science now to point out that; though gender is somewhat a human construct, at least in its representation; gender is a piece of psychology which we do not control, as if we control any of our own psychological processes. If you can’t accept that I’m a girl (you can go with woman if you prefer, I just like to see myself more a kid than adult), if you can’t accept Mary, then you can’t accept me, and thus, you don’t love me. You love an idea which you want to equate to me, but it’s not me. If you brush away the crumbs, you can still enjoy your buttered toast, but if you remove the bread all together, then you’re just eating butter. A somewhat shitty metaphor it may be, but it covers the idea to which I refer. Yes, you can love someone while rejecting pieces of them, crumbs of them, but when you reject the core of their identity, then yea, you don’t love them. 

Anywho, that’s what's been plaguing my mind as of late. I can’t wait to get back to school though! I can dance around in my lovely lavender dress while playing and writing music. One day

Toodles! (^w^)

[shedidntfitin]

7/7/19

Hello again! My intention was for this to be a diary, but as you may have noticed, it’s been a hot minuet since my first entry. Maybe I’ll do better.

I’m “home” for the summer. I’ve been living in university housing sew I couldn’t really stay over in Milly I suppose, BUT I’M GETTING AN APARTMENT IN AUGUST HUZZAH! It’s nice to be with family and all, well Mom and Dad for the other kids are adults who live far away, but the town can be somewhat agonizing. I live in The South, a land of protestant rule and oppression, so I do my best not to step out the door. The whole town knows us, and Dad’s a doctor, so my identity rather affects the family as a whole socially and economically, as well as affects members of the town whose prejudice outlays their concern for their own health. Though my being closed off for 3 months hiding in a bubble from the world because I’m terrified of the idea of fucking up my family’s lives as well as the health of the stupid (patients who decide their prejudice outweighs their need for medicine) could be seen as a tad narcissistic, to think that I have such control and it’s my job to protect etc. but would guilt for such outcomes be unwarranted, for I did predict them and placed my psychological status above if I chose to come out. The main reason I don’t come out to the town is cause I have no life here; I’ve never had a life here. In seventh grade I transferred to a school 30 minuets down the road cause the school in my hometown couldn’t care less about education; I have no relation to these people sew I really don’t care how they see me the few times I do go out.

Still. I reside in my room staring at my closet, seeing the ways I could express myself, seeing the masks I must wear. My brother just had a kid sew we do pop over and visit a fair amount, but I find reasons to stay home, not because of the reasons I do somewhat abhor my brother, but because I have the house to myself. I can dress as me. I can run around the house screaming good morning star shine the earth says hello while I do my make up (something for which I have little practice anyways but still). I can be open about me, only with myself, the cat, sometimes the when she is left, and Trixie (the camera girl who follows me, not an imaginary friend, but that’s a conversation about philosophy for another day). What does it say that the few chances I have to see my family, generally my grandparents who, though they are fairly healthy, could die at any point, I choose instead to stay home and be myself for once. I can't stand this, ya know. Like sure, it’s small things, wearing pants and a button-down instead of a dress and tights, masculine pronouns in stead of feminine, using the name Donovan instead of Mary, but the weight they carry on their own is massive, together it’s almost unbearable. But what do I do? I could tell mom, of course. She comprehends and agrees to let me express myself while feeling extreme guilt over the agony her child endures and the level which she adds, I’d feel like shit for what pain I awoke. She doesn’t comprehend, argues the point, says fine do whatever, I fold, she feels like shit because at that point it is obvious I’m going through my agony to appease her, I feel like shit because I see the opportunity to undo my chains but can’t bear to because I do know what it would do to her and Dad as well as realizing that she still doesn’t comprehend and/or accept who I am. Or i stay silent and endure what I can, leaving Mom and Dad none the wiser. I know my first job is to take care of myself, it’s what I tell sew many whom I nurture, but as Sir Isaac Newton said, every action has an equal and opposite reaction; everything we do has consequences, and whether or not you intended them you are at a certain level of fault for what happens. augh I miss being a child; the world was so much simpler then. 

I’m sure I’m forgetting something that I can throw in later. As a reminder, I think I’ll next write about a convo with my brother.

[shedidntfitin]

8/4/18

Ya know, it’s weird, figuring yourself out. I’m in a great position with a sister who’s also in the rainbow squad, parents who are doing their best to understand and to help me be myself, other sisters who are chill about it (my brother’s a jackass who told me there was no such thing as being transgender, sew fuck that guy), and I have a nice sized group of friends who support me. I have the trans girl’s dream, and yet I feel sew trapped, why?

I am a person rather resistant to change, in myself and in the world around me. Simple things like mom taking away my flip phone and giving me a smart phone instead, medium things like maybe this school actually fits you better (not just price, but like every aspect of the school was like it was molded specifically for me), and complex things like “this whole ‘being a man’ thing just don’t fit.” 

I remember growing up, wanting to be a girl. When I was in kindergarten, the girl scouts came to talk to us; all I could think about was, “GAH! I wanna join them, but I’m a boy and I can’t :(” Next year the boy scouts came and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about them, I really wanted to join the girl scouts! Somewhere around second or third grade I said “I’m a boy, thats the way I gotta be.” I tried to do the “fake it ‘till you make it” approach, pretended to like sports, tried to act big and tough, muscles, wrestling with other guys, etc. In seventh grade, I said terrible homophobic shit to my sister before she came out, I was raised in the south, it’s how society had taught me. After a deep conversation on how being an asshole wasn’t the only way, I began to reassess the world, and myself. At the end of eighth grade I decided to stop trying to be one of the guys (who I hung out with, jokes I would make, things I would do to fit in, etc.); in about tenth grade I dropped the notion that I needed to define myself as a guy; halfway through eleventh I opened myself to the idea that I might be trans; as i began college I said I was genderqueer and now I identify as a girl. The thing is, around tenth grade I said to myself, “I know in the end I will identify as a girl,” but I don’t do change well sew I took the change in my understanding of me slow. 

Used to (a couple year ago, im only in my 4th year of college for a relative placement in time), but used to I would think to myself that I didn’t know if I’d want estrogen, much less gender confirmation. My main reason was that I do want to have kids, and thanks to society, I have this romanticized idea of wanting kids from my nethers, I want to adopt to but I like the Idea of little Marys scampering about. More and more each day, it’s not simply an idea I’m considering, not simply an argument, but something that feels like I’m missing, something I need to do. Ya know, I’m researching to see what I would need to do for the surgery, what it would entail, and how I could pop out a little bitty of my own (so far their have been 8 successful kids born of a transplanted uterus, I figure maybe I could find the scientist and propose they try the transplant with MTFs, maybe I could get the surgery for free).

sigh, It’s late, I shall vent some more later. Have a good day, smooches and snuggles

[shedidntfitin]

Intro

Good Morning Starshine, the earth says hello

Sew, as the above bits say, I’m Mary. Im going into my hopefully penultimate year of my college education. I’m studying to be a composer, at the moment planning to compose in the entertainment industry, i.e. movies, tv, video games. If I get to the point that I don’t feel that that’s what I want to do anymore, I’m gonna go for being a college professor while composing orchestral works. I play a bunch of instruments too; generally whatever I can get my hands on, but my principle is french horn.

Another big part of my life at the moment is that I’m transgender. I came out to my parents about a year and a half ago, and it’s been a fun adventure since. I am in a comparatively good situation, I suppose; my relationship with my parents is good and they’re still covering my bills and things. Dad goes with the “ok” and go on with his day approach; I’m sure he may have concerns, but he generally keeps those to himself. Mom is trying to accept my gender, but oi. The problem with her is that she needs control, she establishes a plan and needs everyone to fit in it. She’s making a good effort on the external part, she got me a manicure a few months back, she offers to buy me clothes, she got my ears pierced; the struggle is the internal part, we’ve had a few conversations where she told me that she didn’t really believe I was a girl... not that she didn’t believe in transgender identity, just that I was a girl, ya know, messages that really make you feel good about yourself. You can expect more on this in the future.

ummmmmm is there anything else? I’m sure there might be; we’ll get there in the future

Have a magical day (^w^)