#i’m so sorry for this terrible joke but it came to me and i couldnt not 😂

[weewoo911]

[cynettic]

Stay with Me pt.3

Summary - You manage to escape from Scaramouche, if only for a moment before you realize there’s no escape. It only takes until you’re sitting back in your regular spot that you know what you need to do.

Pairings - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warnings - Suggestive content, mentions of death, swearing, slight gore / blood 

A/N - Its really hard to make this depressing while I’m vibing to Rasputin. Like no joke- I have it on one of the 1 hour playlists :D

Here you’ll find -  pt.1 and pt.2

He’d left a key.

Scaramouche didnt make mistakes, not while he had you captive in the vicinity of his bedroom. He didnt have room for mistakes, not when you were watching his every movement while he was in your line of sight. 

Sure, he mightve killed a person or two in front of you, but those were necessary mistakes. There was a sign on the door, it specified not to enter. You’d understand that, right?

Thats what he thought at least, lulling himself into belief after belief that you’d be there waiting for him every time. That you’d welcome him with open arms, even if there were chains ensnaring your wrists. That you’d accept your fate at his hands and submit yourself to him.

The Balladeer was a fool.

He’d kept you there for too long, and while you searched for an easy way to escape, time sent your head spinning. Into a spiral that begged only for the wind against your face, back laying on dirt with the familiar chirping up birds waking you up in the morning.

You wanted to go outside.

And when push comes to shove, you had to risk a little more to make it happen. Lure him into bed with kisses while your hands unbuttoned his vest. But what he believed to be alluring contacts was just your way of finding the keys hidden in the back pocket of his shorts.

It wasnt hard to find the one to your cuffs while he was asleep, cuddled in your chest with both arms around your waist as if to get you to stay put. You took the key, hiding them back in his clothing and hoping he didnt notice.

He didnt say anything the next day.

You werent going to wait any longer.

“Oh for fucks sake, why won't the goddamn door open?”

The room was left in tatters behind you, a little gift for Scaramouche once he got back. Turns out a pair of chains can smash up a lot of things, and rage can be used as a great source of strength when contained for such a long time.

But you’d done more than throw the blankets around, cut up the drawers and smash open the windows. Because your fists had bled red when you punched through the glass, puncturing your skin. Your knuckles were an ugly red, bruising already.

Ah, Scaramouche deserved a much better gift.

Gruesome as it was, you rubbed your knuckles against the pale walls. Till the blood stopped coming, till there was a nice little message for the boy which you held so dearly to your heart.

‘Balladeer.’

The first time you’d found out about him being a harbinger he’d told you not to call him by that name. You weren’t someone he associated with by work, you were a treasure to him. That’s why you continued to call him as he pleased, although the temptation always arose.

You were no longer his.

Shoving the door with your hand again, palm fiddling with the handle and groaning when it hardly budged. “Stupid,” you grumbled when the knob began to loosen. Backing up, you charged with your shoulder to the door, full force as the momentum broke the hinges. The door fell down with you along with it.

It was expected, you’d been stuck in the room for a long time, and thats considering you’d sat on the ground for decades. Your body was slight numb, muscles sore and unused for so long. 

“You a-arent supposed to leave your room!”

A young man stood in the hallway along with a woman who looked relatively the same age. The two were wearing uniforms, flinching when you stood up from the debris and off the door. “Excuse me?” You asked, voice unnecessarily icy and stern. But you couldnt care less, you were going to get out of this house, damn anyone who stood in your way.

They both continued to shake when you walked towards them, staggering from side to side. The woman stepped up in front of the man, presenting a brave face. “If you leave the mansion, the harbinger will kill us all!”

“Well then I expect you should be on your way then. Actually…” you gestured to the maze of hallways. “You can lead the way.”

“What…?”

Your hand went limp to your side, an exasperated looking momentarily crossing your face before you sighed. “Im not staying trapped in that room, I’m sorry if that ruins your life, but frankly you're not the one stuck in there are you?” You took an extra step just to intimidate them, eyes wide to make the appearance of crazy. “It would be a great help if you showed me where he hid my vision too.”

“We can show you to the door…” The man began, “But the whereabouts of your vision are unknown, he wouldnt tell us something like that.”

A gift bestowed from the gods, a piece to help me thrive with my ambitions and pursue my goals.

Gone.

You really wished you’d taken to clawing out Scaramouche’s face instead, but you’d take what you got. Right now your main priority was getting out of this place, even if it meant leaving a piece of you behind.

“Door.” Your voice was raspy and there was a terrible feeling that crawled up to your throat, but you didnt have time to be emotional. “Show me where the door is… please.”

The conflict in their eyes dissipates by the time they lead you along, mumbling words between themselves. You didnt bother to try eavesdropping, you were so, so tired. You wanted to go home.

Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

It took a few minutes until you were standing in front of a grand door, almost twice the size of you and just as wide. You then began to notice the decorational plants and furniture that filled the empty space, there wasn't an inch of dust. Even though you could tell none of it was used.

“Hurry,” the man warned when you paused. “I dont know when our master is coming back, but if its soon, we’ll all be screwed.”

You couldnt feel your head as you numbly nodded, hand clenching the knob and flinging the set of doors open. “Thank you,” you merely mumbled, taking your first step out of the house in what felt like forever.

The days after that were a blur, the area around Scaramouche’s house were nothing but void. Empty and filled with forests and vast plains. You knew he didnt like people or socializing in general, but to this extent?

Your only option was to run.

Let your feet take you somewhere, anywhere. It was a constant pattern of running and taking breaks, leaning on a tree and gasping in a few breaths before you were again scurrying through the forest. 

And yet you felt better than you’d felt in past months that you’d been stuck with Scaramouche.

Food became any boar you came across, the claws you’d spent so long hiding with Scaramouche coming to unleash a wrath beyond your comprehension. Till the animal was cut to shreds and no meat was left even to eat. You’d slaughtered it, without intention to eat or benefit for it, you’d killed it just to kill.

“I’m sorry,” you’d sobbed into the ground where you’d buried the harmless animal. Forehead pressed into the dirt as you pleaded for forgiveness to whatever archons would accept it. You couldn't even remember what archons you were supposed to pray to. “Forgive me- forgive me…”

But eventually you found your way around to somewhere you knew. Territory of Inazuma where you could find your way back, back home.

Where was home?

You’d been on the run from the vision hunt decree, abandoning your post for the Kitsune Saiguu for such a thing. Even now that you could return without a vision and as no threat under the decree…

You’d sacrificed everything for your vision.

Where were you to go now…?

Rain patted down, the trees providing only a slight cover as stray drops fell into your matted dirty hair. You didnt mind, it hid the tears that slid down your lifeless face, feet taking you into the far meadows of your hometown. Till you plopped down underneath a tree, knees curled to your chest and arms hugging them close. You were crying.

You were home.

____________________

“Awh,” a ginger haired murmured, elbow resting on the cool wood of the tabletop. “Is little Mouchie sad? I heard your kitty cat escaped~”

A death wish, even fatui that idly minded themselves around the bar knew it. Sipping cold drinks and swirling their cups, the soft chatter was nothing but a distraction from the main course of events. That being the smaller Harbinger who sat sulking in his seat, hunched over with a drink in hand. He’d drank far more than what was on the counter, but everytime he finished a glass, he’d smash it on the ground, watching the fragile glass shatter into pieces.

“I dont have a cat,'' was his only response, tone daring Childe to pursue further. To give him a reason to start throwing the glass in his face instead.

And Childe was an idiot when it came to challenging someone.

“No cat?” The rest of the drink in the taller harbinger’s glass was gone when he threw his head back. “Hmmm, I cant think of what else could’ve had you so enraptured in returning home then~!”

Scaramouche didnt respond, uneven bangs shadowing the bags under his eyes. “Stronger,” he said instead, elbow on the counter and hand outstretched for something. When there was no movement from the man managing the wine, the harbinger looked up. “I need something stronger to drink,” he repeated, voice seething.

“Of c-course!”

The glass was nestled in Scaramouche’s palm in no time, fingers curling around the circular form to down it in seconds. The drink merely slid down his throat in one movement, alcohol burning his senses. It didn’t matter, he was numbed by the growing rage inside of him.

Finally, he turned to the ginger haired boy, eyes hazily dancing along the counter till it reached his fingertips. Up his hand and along his arm, till Scaramouche was staring right into Childe’s eyes. “They escaped,” he admitted softly. “But it’s alright, because I sent something that’ll bring them back.”

Childe paused, raising his drink up away from his lips to pose a question. Hesitation danced along his features before he brought the glass back, he’d rather not provoke the shorter male any further. Wasn’t like he could interfere anyway.

____________________

“That… that…” 

It was preposterous, having returned to that same spot for a day or two and heading back to the hometown you’d once lived in. The one Scaramouche had lived in. There shouldn’t have been an issue, you were solely gathering supplies for the sake of it, ambition driving you to travel far far away.

Out of Inazuma.

It was your new beginning, convincing yourself that you didn't need a vision. Finding some sort of purpose before Scaramouche shattered the vision and your life along with it. You’d seen how people had reacted when it had been ingrained in the statue, neutralized and broken. They lost hope, purpose and aspirations for anything new.

It’s not like the Raiden Shogun took my vision.

But you’d taken that fact for granted, expecting some sort of new start without Scaramouche. A victory, getting away from him just for a split second and getting out of Inazuma altogether, you’d never see him again.

Until you got his message.

“How the hell…” You crushed the note until it was just crumbled paper in your hand, slowly leaning on the stone wall. “Piece of shit… what kind of person even…” 

Not only did he manage to find you, but without making his presence known, he’d tugged at your one weakness with an ease that had you down on your knees.

You threw the paper to the ground, deliberate as you stared past the alleyway. Pensive as you considered your options. Damn, what options did you even have? You’d been an idiot to underestimate Scaramouche, he wasn’t a child, you knew that… but archons he seemed like one when he was with you. Shown you a vulnerability he wanted only you to see. But maybe that had been part of his plan all along, until all you believed was his soft demeanor.

He may act like a child, but he’s a harbinger.

You stared down at the crumbled piece of paper in disgust.

Not only that, but he has no regard for human life.

Either way, you’d lived decades more than him. You could face him, you would present yourself to him just as he expected you to. Even when everything in you rejected the idea, sobbed at the thought of returning to that house, those chains. Being locked up and confined only for the purpose of coddling a small boy, a selfish boy, a cruel boy. 

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’d figure out a way, and this time you wouldn’t rule out the option of his death.

———————

Oh darling Y/n, how have you been?

I hope this letter reaches you rather soon, we both have much to discuss, no? About me, about you, and much more. You see, I’ve taken up quite a distaste to your little friends. Stone statues in Inazuma as small as Kitsunes truly hold no purpose, what will they do, come back to life? Haha, I should think not. I’ve already arranged to have them demolished, who knows what kind of material they might possess. Ah, and of course I’d show you the finishing product, unless you’re willing to come and have a chat with me once more? Under the Sakura tree like we used to, you’ve waited years, I believe you can wait for me?

I hope this letter reaches you in best interests. I’m always looking out for you after all.

Sincerely, your Balladeer

——————

It was raining.

Beautiful weather as you lay sitting there, feet crossed and tucked in the same you’d often do. After all, there was no need to fear the vision hunt decree or the Raiden Shogun. Let them come, let them take care of you before Scaramouche did.

You werent cold, not when the cold drops dampened your clothing, slipping down the length of your spine and drenching your face. Despite having lived in a luxury residency for such a long time, this was where you were most comfortable, enduring whatever the weather had for you, taking it with a smile. Because you were waiting…

The Kitsune Saiguu was a distant memory.

You were waiting for Scaramouche, the young boy that often bound into the field in lengthy strides, childlike wonder in his eyes. The one who’d cried when the other kids pushed him away, the one that just wanted to be praised. You’d held him in your arms, and now, even knowing the results, you wouldnt have done differently.

He was just a boy.

Just a boy when he joined the fatui, looking for praise that he was given. He created chaos and bellowed orders with a cruelty that was highly looked upon. Told that he was doing well, so he continued to do so.

He’s just a boy.

You wished you’d held him in your arms, if not only for a tad longer. Shield him away from the wrongness of the world, if only for one last time.

Banishing away your hatred for him was hard.

But you found it under the tree, rain soon dimming down to a clouded cold breeze that swept through the meadow. You’d hated him while stuck in the mansion, but you could now see it from a larger point of view. What he did was wrong of course, but you could remember him so vividly now. His small form giggling, tiny arms around your neck. 

“Play with me!”

Was it your fault?

For not holding him tighter? For trying to rectify his bad doings and teach him what was wrong and right? Maybe if your grip was firmer, if you’d spoken to him about the warmth he’d given you that day when playing cards...

“Lazy ass.”

Burying down that pile of worry and insecurities, you took a deep breath in to relax. The edge of your lip perked up, only slightly. “Still terrible with your social skills arent you?”

Slowly securing a dry space under the three with you, Scaramouche sat down. His features were the same ones you’d grown accustomed to at his mansion. Rich clothes, sharp eyes, and the baby face that refused to go away. His movements were soft as he pulled out a deck of cards. The two of you didnt speak as he distributed them between you both. It was tense… no, it felt too much like the warmth form long ago to be tense. You only wished the situation to be different.

“I love you.”

But you could only offer a bitter smile to his words. “I love my vision,” you replied. “I love the Kitsune Saiguu, and I love my friends.”

His touch was gentle when his fingers came to gently cradle your cheek. Holding your face dearly as he peered into your eyes, his were soft. Different from the cruelty he held within, the hatred that burned and destruction that seeked to explode.

You saw a little boy.

Your hand came to press his hand further against your cheek, till you slid his palm to your lips. He appeared so calm when you pressed the first kiss, lips tracing the lines along his palm with all the care in the world.

But you needed to change your view, see him as the man he now was. As the man he had become.

“I love you,” he repeated, and you let go of his hand. It fell limp by his side, cards all but forgotten. There was a much more pressing matter at hand, because you truly needed to see him as he was.

It was necessary if you planned to kill him.

[randomsevans]

PAIN OF BEING LOVE part  4

"Cant we just leave " Scott whined as he leans down to your ear 

"What no " you whispered back

"But we have been here long enough "

"We have been here for less than an hour " you snapped

"And that's more then enough for people who don’t want to be here " he whispered in your ear

"Its your brothers engagement party you have to be here "

"Not if I don’t want to "

"And whys that?"

He was silent for a second, a second to long you began to get worried

"I just don’t okay " he whined

"Why ?"

"Because I don’t like seeing you hurt " he snapped back instantly

You paused for a moment thinking

You turned to faced him

"Scott I shouldn't matter. You should be happy like me that Chris is getting the life he wants " you sigh

"But what about you ?"

"Ha ! You never know I might find someone, who I will love and will love me more then this "you said with a fake smile , not meaning or believing any word you just said

"Don’t lie " Scott sigh

"Whose lying " Lisa voice perked up as she came towards the both of you .

"Oh just y/n love life "Scott said . You snapped your head in his direction sending him dagger , as he played the sweet innocent son role . You turned back to lisa with a fake smile .

"Ohhh love life ?" Sharron came and stood next to her mom

'Great how many Evan's are coming?'

"Its about time she got one " Carly joked , causing a ripple of laughter

"Ha I think you fine she has a very active love life " Scott giggled

"Scott !" You barked

"What !" He just shrugged

"So anyone new ..." Carly began

"Or old you never know "Sharron added

"Oooo is it serious " Lisa asked

"Is what serious?" Minka butted in

"Really is there anyone else in the garden that want to join in !

There was a pause for a moment

"Oh just y/n new man " Scott said confidently

You looked at him shocked

'What is he doing?'

"So there is someone about time !" Sharron shouted

"You going tell us anything " Carly asked

"Oh girls don’t pressure her , I'm sure when shes ready she’ll tell us , want ya y/n " Lisa began but then leaned in "but just let me but the first " she giggled

All you could do was nervous giggled and nodded your head , as there began to walk again until Sharron shout from across the pool

"Y/n I want to meet him "

You went scarlet red

"Meet who ?" You heard a booming voice from the barbecue, his face scrunched up in amusement of his clearly drunk sister

"Y/n new boyfriend " she basically scream

Chris face dropped into stone like and snapped to turn into your direction. A mixture of emotions flash across his face , too many , too fast your brain didnt register any only those glossy ocean eyes that met your from across the pool .

You only snapped out your trance when Scott pulled your elbow . You swatted him across the head with the back of your hand

"Oh come on y/n dont be mad because he let out your secret " you heard a very bitter snaped form chris . You stood there facing scott , your hand in mid hit , when his tone shock you . You have never heard him speak to you like that. But instead of wanting to scream, cry , run away , anger boils within you , it was just a shame that Scott was the closest Evan's

You didnt turned around to face Chris ,so you missed the glossy eyes once again that fought back a tear .

You resumes you beating, acting as if you didnt hear Chris

"What . ARE . You . Playing. At !" You said in between the smacks across Scott's head

"Ha ! Ha ! Stop " he put his hands in defence

“why did you do that . i dont have a ..” 

“ i know , i know “ Scott squilled 

“ so why say it then?” you were slowly calming down

“ i honestly dont know .... Chris was looking this way ...”

“wait Chris was watching us?” for some unknown reason your heart began to beat fast 

“yeah “ Scott simple said 

there was a moment of silence before Scott spoke again 

“it was probably only because mom and sis was near “ he shrugged walking to the bar ,to avoid just another nail in your fragile  heart . 

“probably “ you sighed following him

but unknowing to you , not all as it seems from either brothers.

                        **************************************************

Time had passed on ever so slowly for your point of view  , but you had to stay to show how happy you are for the future Mr and Mrs Evans . Staying around the whole day was hard , watching Chris with Minka broke your heart a little more . But surprisingly  it hasn't been as hard as you thought , you have actual found your self laughing a couple of times and forgetting why you are here . This might just be the beginning of a slow healing process that will never truly be healed but at least able for you to move on with your life , or maybe its because you have the best-est friend in Scott who for his own reason which you dont fully understand doesnt want to be here to as much as you .There for making it bearable for the both of you with his bad jokes , like really there terrible  but you love him all the same    .

you were currently in the kitchen getting a glass of water , as an attempt to sober your self up , before you leave .

you let the water run into the glass , once full your bring it to your  lips ,sipping it as you turned around , not quite leaving the sink yet  , contracting on the ice cold feeling run down your throat . That was of course until , you hit what was like a brick wall , making some of he water splash onto the ground ,

“oh sorr..” you stopped once you saw   who is was and end up doing a nervous laugh , trying to ignoring the raised heartbeat and that all so familiar feeling creeping its way into your stomach 

“i didn’t see where i was going “ 

“ i can see that “ a small laugh played on Chris lips in contrast to the soft, sadden eyes .

“well im sorry “ you whisper shyly , not making eye contact as you tried to get passed him , untill he placed his hand on your upper arm .

“for what the water , or avoiding me ?” he asked , you didnt need to look at him , you could hear the sadness 

“w..what ? i dont know what your talking about im here aint i “ you finally  looked up , it was then you relied how close the two of you were .

“thats not what i mean “

“then what ?” you asked confused , generally

he took a deep sigh and stepped even closer to you 

“you've been avoiding me , my calls , texts ..” he sounded like a sad child 

“iv been busy “ you tried to say over him

“i havnt seen you in 2 weeks or so “ he continued looking down , ignoring what you just said “ you havnt spoken to me all day , barley looked my way “ his eyes meet your “ and then i hear ... “ he pause bring his parm to your cheek “ and then i hear you have someone “

You couldn't breath the moment he touched your cheek , your breath was stolen , you could feel the heat raising  to your cheeks , burning under his touch . You almost missed what he said , and if your breath wasnt already gone it would be .

“why is he bothered ? , maybe this is why Scott did this , to see how chris would react ? but why would Chris react? his getting married , and why would Scott care ?”

you backed up till your back reached the sink , all to be followed as once again Chris comes back into the personal space .

“ i...it ..” you didnt know what to say , but your curiosity was wining as you couldnt think straight so you decide to go along with what you think could be Scotts , “you need to ask him later “ you  made a mental note “ why would you care anyway “

“because “  he sighed leaning in 

“because “your  breath hitched as his lips ghost your 

“because .... “ 

“CHRIS !”

Tag list

@patzammit

@little-smurf

[ablackfangirlwrites]

1 hour

A/n so this is my last one my little hour series I really hope you guys like it 😬Also here are the others! 

72 hours w/Hawks

48 hours w/Aizawa

24 hours w/Dabi 

Out of all the people in the world why did you have to be in love with a hero

And not just any hero

Yagi Toshinori aka All Might

The number one hero

You were head over heels in love with him

And even crazier he felt the same way about you

To the point he told you his biggest secret

You truly didnt deserve him

Because the truth was you were a villain

And not just some petty one either

You had done terrible things

You killed people with little to no remorse

And he had no idea

When the two of you first met it was right before you were about to rob a bank

You were checking the place out and he happened to be doing a patrol

"You look troubled ma'am."

Was his first words to you

And you'd be equally in awe and terrified that he of all the heros found you

At first you thought he was there to stop you

But after he asked if you knew directions to some place nearby you realized he was just minding his own business

But that definitely turned you off from robbing the place

And even crazier it happened again the next week at a different place you were going to hit

It was like he knew your next move before you did

And even worst he recognizes you and started to talk

And before you even realized it you found yourself on a date with the number 1 hero

It was odd at first considering how you really made a living

But you couldnt lie something about the heros' personality was magnetic and it made you see the world in a different light

And after a few dates you were had fallen for the man

He made you feel like you didnt have to live a life a crime and it made you experience a happiness you didnt think possible

And he was smitten with you

You didnt even know how you managed to live a double life with him

After the two of you got more serious you stopped being so violent in your crimes but you didny stop with your villainy completely

It was such a big part of your life how could you stop now?

But now it had all caught up with you

You were working with another villain on a job

But they double-crossed you and making a long story short you only had 72 hours to live

Scratch that

You only had about an hour or two left

Up until now you tried everything

You weren't ready to die

You bargained begged and pleaded with everyone you thought could help you

You didnt want things to end this way

But now you were sure you didnt have anymore time

The only thing left was to just die

But what about Toshinori?

What was he going to do? How were you going to tell him? Were you even gonna tell him?

Toshinori knew something was up

He wasnt stupid

Something had been bothering you one night and it kept you up

And the next night you didnt even come home

Toshi knew you had secrets

But he never held them against you after all he had his share too

But in time he knew he could trust you with his

So he was patient enough to wait for you to feel the same

But he felt like this was something entirely different

And it worried him he loved you and truly only wanted to see you happy

And even though he knew there were parts if your life you didnt want him to know about

He wanted you to know he was still there for you

So tonight when he saw you came home he decided to bring it up

You cursed at yourself

How could you have fallen for him

He was so innocent and good...the complete opposite of you

You didnt want to hurt him

So you decided to just write a note and leave it for him

But when you got home you were surprised to see he was already there

"Toshi? You're here...I thought you were still working."

He at you back, "I got done early and decided to make you dinner tonight."

"Toshi..."

"I know the last few days have been rough for you. I dont know what's going on exactly...but when you're ready you know I'll be here." He told you in a more serious tone

The hero all might was surprisingly romantic in your relationship

And it was often that he made dinner for the two of you

And you saw that's just what he did tonight

You'd be overwhelmed with emotions and start to cry

The guilty and regret of everything would wash over you

You really didnt deserve him at all

"I am so sorry....I wish things weren't this way."

Toshi was alarmed at first and went to hold you but you rejected his embrace

"I have to tell you the truth."

"Y/n.."

"I have to do at least one thing right in my life and I am so sorry...." You told him through tears

"I'm a villain Toshinori."

The silence that covered the room only broke your heart more

"Is this some type of joke?" He asked you

Which only made you cry more, "No its not."

You cried while telling him the truth

You told him the terrible things you had done in your life of crime

And when you were done you still cried "I've never wanted to hurt you Toshi...I never wanted things to get this far between us...but before I knew it I was in love you with."

All might hadn't said a word

Only sorrow covered his face

"Why are you telling me now?"

Silence filled the room again

"Because...I'm going to die."

You explained how the time villain had attacked you and for the last few days you were trying to find a way to live but now you were out of options

"I've never done a thing right in my life Toshinori..and I know you have to hate me now...and know that-I dont blame you...i lied but you have to know I love you." You cried harder

Toshinori didnt known what to say

He felt betrayed

He felt like he lost his best friend

He felt remorse

How could he have not seen it? He was living and in love with a villain?

A villain he had and other heros had been looking for

Was right under his nose this whole time?

Part of him was even disgusted with himself

But when he saw how scared you looked

He could only think of how he truly wanted to be there for you

"How long do you have left?" He asked in a quiet voice

"An hour? minutes?...im not sure...but it's not long." You told him Sobbing

So with a very heavy heart, All might moved to you and held you in his arms

Which only made you cry more

"I won't pretend that I'm okay with what you've told me...but I don't hate you...I'm just disappointed..."

He held you tighter, "But despite that I still love you..and more than ever you need a hero. So I am here."

His words only made you fall deeper in love with him and made you regret your life choices more

"I am so sorry, I wish things were different I wish I was good."

Toshinori took moment before speaking again, "in the end Y/n you told me the truth...you didnt have to do that...so I know you weren't all bad..."

"Do you mean that Toshinori?" You asked with a little hope in your heart

"Yes I do..."

"...thank you...Toshi....I know you may not be able to forgive me...but I really what you to know I love you so much and you made me want to be better." You repeat to him as you felt yourself blaming

The two of you sat in silence from then on

It wasnt even that long when Toshi realized you were no long breathing

He simply just kissed your forehead and whisper he loved you back

He didnt know how long he sat there with your lifeless body

But the grief over took him and he cried

He didnt even know who you really were

Eventually though he had to get up and take care of the situation

He give what information he could about you to the police

And he even did his own investigation about you

Toshi wanted to know your whole story

He'd fined out you grew up in a household full of petty criminal and deduce you went into that life because you felt you had no choice

If he had tried to open you up to him maybe he would have known and stopped you before you got yourself in that situation

Regret would fill his days

At the fact that he was the number one hero and couldnt even save the person closest to him

And that would be something he'd have to live with for the rest of his life

[lifesucksheres20bucks]

“I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me” with reddie 🥺

THIS TOOK SO LONG AND IM SORRY ITS BEEN SITTINNG IN MY INBOX FOR MONTHS

Gosh im sorry but HC are the only motivation I have right now :/

- the losers are now in college/uni

- They are all spread around the states

- Stan, Eddie, Bev and Ben are on the east coast and Richie, Bill and Mike are on the west coast

- They made a pact before moving that they would meet for their spring break every year and would rent out a house or cottage so they can all stay together for the week

- They decided that Nyc would be the best option for their first vacation together, bc 3 of them were already close to the city

- Except for Bev and eddie, who live together, most of the losers haven’t seen eachother since the summer

- They had all matured a bit and blossomed into young adult, but Eddie is the one who changed the most

- When he gained freedom from his mother, he slowly came to terms with his sexuality and himself.

- He dressed, ate and partied the way he wanted. It was so freeing to have proper control of his life, without having his mother analyzing his every breath (even though he has to give her daily updates of his life (he lies a lot about what he’s doing))

- Richie was the last one to arrive at the airport and all the losers were waiting for him

- They were all jumping on him the second he past the gates and were acting like a bunch of children

- Since they were first year/ broke af students they decided to squeeze in bev and eddie’s apartment.

- Bev and ben were staying together bc they started dating in their senior year

- Mike and stan took the pullout couch and bill, smirking at richie decided to sleep on the single blowup matress near the couch

- That meant richie and eddie would be sharing a bed

- That shouldn’t have bothred richie, because they had done it numerous times before but for some reason, he was extremely nervous

- (He knew why: he had ben hopelessly in love with eddie since the 8th grade and you know what they say: distance makes the heart grow fonder)

- (Also, he had never seen eddie so confident and himself??? Couldnt deny how much more in love he was because of that)

- On the first night, everyone got absolutely hammered

- Since everyone was extra loud, no one really noticed richie keeping mostly to himself

- Everyone except for beverly, she knew something was wrong with him

- So doing the most bev thing ever, she offered them a smoke and they went to the roof to smoke alone

- “Whats wrog trashmouth?”

- “Theres nothing wrong with me, red! What about yourself? How are you and old Ben doing?”

- “We’re fine, but don’t change the subject you dick. I know somethings bothering you.”

- “Ugh, why are you always so observant. Just ignore me like everyone else does, pretend I don’t have any emotions.”

- “It’s hard to do when you’re sulking like a baby. I thought you wanted to be a great actor, but you can’t even fake being happy!”

- “Low blow, Marsh. Way to kick a man when he’s down”

- “Aha! So there is something bothering you. Just tell me so we can stop being so in touch with our feelings.”

- “I forgot how comforting you are...”

- Bev hit richie in the arm and gave him a stern look saying she was done fucking around

- “Okay okay, god. I uhm, remember when I called you and said I was over Eddie? Well I’m not, not by a log shot”

- “Oh Richie...”

- “Don’t “oh Richie” me, it’s fine. Im just dying inside, no big deal.”

- “Rich, i told you hundreds of times, you have to tell him. You never know, he might feel the same way.”

- “Are you kidding me? Have you seen him? He’s beautiful and radiant, he could probably have any guy in New York, why the fuck would he want me.”

- “ because your his Richie..”

- With that bev put out her cigarette and left Richie alone on the roof with his thoughts

- He must have stayed longer than anticipated because next thing he knew, he heard footsteps behind him

- “ the city lights are beautiful aren’t they?”

- Richie’s heart started to beat faster, as his head wipped to smile at the boy behind him

- “Yeah they’re beautiful but not as beautiful as your mom”

- “Fuck you, Rich, you’re an idiot”

- “Yeah maybe I am...”

- “Why are you acting so weird?”

- “I’m not acting weird?”

- “Yeah you are! You’ve been here for 6 hours and that was your first “your mom” joke! Something is terribly wrong with you”

- “I promise you eds, I’m A-ok”

- “A-ok? Who the fuck says that! Rich, I won’t leave till you tell me whats wrong”

- “Nothing’s wrong Eddie! Leave me alone, already!”

- “ fuck off, i told you, I’m not leaving! i don’t care if you’re a stobborn shit, im way more stubborn than you and I’m not fucking leaving”

- “I-I can’t tell you, Eds. Just, please let it go”

- The tone of Richie’s plea made Eddie rush to his side.

- “Richie, please just talk to me. We can get through this right? Together, like always.”

- “Eds, this is different. This is my issue, don’t worry about me”

- “You know I’m going to worry, you’re my best friend Rich. We always deal with problems together, always”

- “IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE EDDIE! JUST STOP TRYING”

- “ ‘Chee, please, I’m just trying to help you. Don’t push me away. I think I’m going to go back down. I’m here if you wanna talk”

- “I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me” Richie blurted out

- Eddie stopped in his track and richie wanted to run off the building side

- It had been a solid 30 seconds of complete silence and Richie wanted to Die

- “Say it again” Eddie whispered

- “What?”

- “Say it again, Rich”

- ““I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me”

- Eddie slowly turned around and walked towards a frozen Richie

- “Say it again”

- ““I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the-“

- Eddie grabbed Richie’s face and pulled him down so their foreheads were touching

- “I think I love you too, Richie”

- This time Richie was the confident one and closed the gap between

- The kiss felt like it lasted an eternity but also not long enough

- They were interrupted with whistles and applause coming from behind them and the losers were all standing there cheering them on

- “Gosh it took you guys long enough!” Stan yelled

- “You guys are going to regret it because we’re going to be making out and having sexy times all week long” Richie yelled back

- “Fuck this, I’m flying back home” Bill sighed

- To the losers dismay, Richie kept his promise...

[mulderspice]

like god. sorry to keep talking about this but. there are so many episodes of the x files that are so so so objectively horribly racist so as a fan of color im gonna make jokes about scully (and mulder! wtf we literally make fun of him being a spoiled rich boy who hates poor ppl all the time) being a “terrible person” all i want lol.

like the white wlw girlies on this site need to examine how much racist shit they let slide bc its Their Fav ❤️ to thhe point where they are antagonizing REAL PEOPLE OF COLOR (u and us) defending some FICTIONAL white bitch like ..... going out of your way to stalk the poc section of the fandom to say mean things to poc who are FANS THEMSELVES (who have all experienced racism in their way. white ppl should know this) bc you couldnt handle joking about your favorite FICTIONAL white woman COP being a racist thats just ......

like whats the “im not a racist” explanation for that. what happened was that you care more about fictional dana scully than about actual real poc (who are just minding their fucking business having fun) and what they have to say abt racism. (ESPECIALLY WHEN THEYRE JUST JOKES LIKE NO ONE IS BEING SERIOUS AT ALL THE BLOG IS HALF FAST FOOD. WHY ARE U SO HEATED. NO ONE EVEN MEANS IT. THATS WHY WE STILL WATCH THE SHOW CUZ WERE OBVIOUSLY FANS TOO).

like whatevr that makes sense that shes attached to scully i dont fault her for having an emotional connection to scully (x files is my life im not one to judge) and for getting mad but. she really took that feeling and went “im gonna make it this poc’s problem”. and came into your inbox. like ..... thats gross u didnt deserve that.

they’ll actually probably reblog a post on their woke little blogs saying all that. but they wont do it. they wont change their behavior. i actually remember her calling us misogynists earnestly like she was woke for it like what a joke..... white ppl get more offended at being called a racist then actual racism. maybe im reading too much into it but i think im just mad because this is something you see everywhere and this is just one tiny example and like. u literally care about just hosting a fun rewatch during these lonely times like youre doing a kind and fun thing. just the idea of fun benign wholesome things exist and still somehow racism find its way in.....

ugh just wanted to say dont let these bitches get u down youre NOT being misogynist or whatever. claiming misogyny is white feminists favorite defense. thats literally these white girls cover for when they get caught being too heated over their fictional girlfriend.

ugh im so sorry for writing so much. this got away from me. thabks for reading it if u made it here lol. and thank you for hosting these rewatches theyve brought me a lot of joy in this sad joyless pandemic.

thanks for sharing babe. I know how u feel and it’s frustrating and annoying but it’s good to talk about it and I’m glad I’ve created a space here for you to literally do that. I know it’s easy to feel excluded from fandom especially as a poc unfortunately it feels kind of unavoidable 🙄 I hope it can change but I also hope we’re very much off tumblr by the time that ever happens LMAO. anyway we love u! Thanks for sharing

[horde-princess]

8, 31 or 35 please? :)

I wrote this in the middle of the night because i couldnt fall asleep and made myself cry.. hope you like it lmao 😭

8.) Things You Said When You Were Crying + 35.) Things You Said That Made Me Feel Real = 

Things You Said When You Were Crying That Made Me Feel Real

“Oh shit, fuck, no no no. Adora? Hey, hey Adora can you hear me?”

Someone’s voice was shouting over the chaos of the battle, muddled in the darkness of Adora’s half-conscious state. It was ragged and terrified.

Don’t worry, she wanted to tell it. I’m fine.

The person started shaking her, so Adora decided to humor them and opened her eyes. Catra’s face filled her vision and her relieved smile was the most breathtaking thing to wake up to. Adora lifted a hand and smeared the tears across her cheek with her fingertips.

“Hey… Why are you crying?”

The words came out slurred. Weird.

“Adora, you have to get up. Please, we need you, you have to fight.”

A flash of blinding pain jolted her all the way awake. She cried out in agony.

“Adora!”

“Catra,” she gasped. “It hurts, what–what happened?”

“Horde Prime has the Heart, and no one one knows what to do, you’re the only one who ever knew what to do,” Catra started to sob and pulled her halfway up to clutch her tightly. “Please.”

Adora gazed out at the battlefield and slowly everything started coming back to her.

The rebellion had broken through Prime’s clone defenses and was about to head inside the ruin to face him when Adora saw the laser gun aimed at Catra. She almost didn’t make it to her in time.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Catra begged her.

“I won’t,” she said. “I promised.”

She thought it was a simple enough answer, but Catra gave her a strange look. 

“Wh–what did you say?”

Adora grimaced but tried to ignore the pain and speak more clearly. “I promised… when we were kids. I said we’d always have each other.”

Fresh tears started to stream down Catra’s face.

“You remember that?” she whispered brokenly.

“I tried so hard to keep it, to protect you. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.”

“No,” Catra wept. She pulled back to look at her, cradling her face. “You’re good enough, you’re more than good enough.”

“I failed you… I failed Etheria… I was never meant to be a hero.”

“Adora, look at me!”

She hadn’t realized her eyes had fallen closed. She was so tired.

“I know you don’t believe it but you are a hero. Not She-Ra, okay? You. You saved my life more times than I can count. Every time you’d… tell me a dumb joke in class,” Catra smiled tearfully. “Or when you’d give me the last bite of your ration bar. When you didn’t give up on me after I did so many terrible things and hurt you over and over. You can’t take responsibility for everything! No one can fix everything on their own, you need help, you need friends. You taught me that. You taught me to never stop trying, and that goodness is worth fighting for. It’s your heart that makes you a hero, Adora, not some stupid sword! That’s why we love you, that’s—that’s why I’ve always loved you.”

Adora felt the rush of magic flowing through her veins, a thousand times more powerful than what the sword had ever given her. It burst inside her chest and flooded her body and poured out into the space around her, enveloping her and Catra in their own quiet, intimate world as Catra pressed her lips to Adora’s. Then it rapidly expanded to explode across the whole battlefield, wiping out every one of Horde Prime’s clones. She felt strong again and the pain was gone, somehow, and Catra had the most joyful smile on her face. Adora gazed at her with awe.

“I love you, too,” she whispered, tears blurring her vision.

Catra tried to kiss her again but she was smiling too much to really make it count.

“Hey, Adora,” she laughed softly. “Looks like you’re a princess again.”

Adora glanced down at herself, taking in the height, muscles, and frilly outfit. Ugh, she really hadn’t missed that part. 

“Holy cow,” Adora breathed. “Did you do that?”

“I mean, sure, I’ll take the credit.”

An explosion came from the ruin and Catra and Adora leapt to their feet.

“The Alliance is in there with Prime,” Catra said. “Are you ready?”

Adora met Catra’s determined eyes and nodded.

“Time to save the universe.”

[pixelburied]

excuse the cropped weirdly pictures; my family/pet's foster parents are great at snapping a sneaky picture of me curled into an unattractively slouched (relaxed) fetal state. which i'm self-conscious about because it's an unattractive position for pictures even tho i am quite pretty (but they are also cropped because im just also private as hell, sorry lmao). 

bonus tho: said pet is laying ontop of me, face buried in my shoulder, twitching in her sleep as we speak!

--- but anyway. onto the actual submission:

so yeah. i saw your post! i'm here to address your call for dogs. but i dont have anymore pictures of my dog, Cash. however, i do have stuff about my cat, Allegra. 

i dont have any of them together cuz Cash lives at my family's house and Allegra lives in my apartment. and we're p sure he'd try to eat her and she'd scratch the hell out of him, so we don't try to let them meet. but, just like how Cash continued the legacy of us adopting another big slobbery dog with possessive seperation-anxiety, Allegra does fit all the criteria of those same personality traits we are such a beacon for. so i hope youll accept it as comfort nonetheless

here's a story about my cat who acts just like a anxious, cuddly, and slobbery pupper. i even bought her a pet ID tag that's shaped like a bone to honor that joke lmao) Allegra: "the honorary and tiniest mastiff" and named after the allergy medication

i got Allegra just this last year. she was a stray. now, for context: there are lots of outdoor cats in my neighborhood and they all hate strangers (they aren't feral tho, they have collars). but they all avoided my old house though because of Cash. so Allegra, newly abandoned, took advantage of that safety(?) by constantly hiding out around my family's house whenever she felt endangered

before that point tho, where i vaguely realized she existed but had no idea of what her strategy had been: i knew the cats of the neighborhood would run 15 miles away at the sound of people. but i am a small bean of cliches, so i always say "Hi kitty" anyway. even if them running away breaks my heart. and on that day, i was on my way to work for the opening shift, not early per se but i had enough time for starbucks if i wanted (and i did want) and i saw the vague mass of a cat on the lawn. predictably, i went "Hey kitty". but i also kept walking to my car due to said expectation of cats running and not wanting my heart to have that little break

and allegra did run. she just ran at me, full speed. i almost kicked this sudden HURLING THING in my peripherals like a football out of fight/flight + anxiety, except i have the aim of Charlie Brown so i thankfully missed her terribly. she was purring up a storm and crying pathetically. tho she's a Siamese, so they talk (read: complain) a lot anyway so maybe she wasn't crying. i always call her talking "crying" anyway tho cuz of the whiny pitch of it so such is a moot point. the real point was: she was ridiculously friendly

then, one morning, she was especially incorrigible. she wouldn't let me go into the car without her jumping inside too and kept scenting me, my car door, and all my equipment for this art class i was going to use for my presentation. a presentation that was a huge chunk of my grade that i couldn't be late for and Allegra was going to make late for. i had to trick her into thinking i was going to run away from my car, to which she zoomed ahead to cut me off, except i had actually done a fake-out and had really ran into the driver's seat and was already starting to slowly reverse out of the driveway. she had the sense to not go after a moving vehicle, thank god. my family texted me she cried outside our front door for hours later though. my art class that semester met once a week, so it was a 4.5 hour class that started at 7AM. and even tho that day had been a presentation day and we had less than 15 students, we still went over 3 hours. she cried during all of it. i used the "free time" to make sure i bought a cat leash and a cardboard cat carrier. but when i came back, heard no crying

i tried to get one of my neighbors to hold onto her for the afternoon. i couldnt leave her in my old house; i had family members i lived with who were terribly allergic. but i swore, so long as someone held onto her for my shift, i could take her to a shelter after. she was just so friendly and obviously new here, i just needed someone to put her somewhere safe (we lived by the freeway, by a train, by the main alternative to the freeway, and by two dog parks). but nobody really could hold onto her, so i had to hope she'd show up again when i came back from work. she didn't. i left her food out anyway.

i took her to the Humane Society Shelter closest to us because they have a microchip scanner. and she did have a chip! that was completely empty! apparently, that's a thing!! the guy there asked if i was going to keep her then, and i hadn't really thought that far. i had made the mistake of naming her and thinking she was cute, and she had done the legwork of being a cuddly motherfucker who purred constantly whenever i was around

she'd only ever appear in the early morning, when i was on my way to my shift or a midterm. about a week or two passed like this with me having no idea where she was for the rest of the day. turns out, according to said allergic family members, Allegra actually never left the house. she would hide on our roof or on our back porch's clutter or in our droopy lawn plants (like our sweetgrass) to hide from the outdoor cats or other dangers (she's a smart cat who hates the sound of cars and would hide whenever any one was particularly loud)

i'm pretty sure she's plenty well-cared for tho. in fact, i'm almost positive she's a very spoiled cat. for example, i have backups of everything x2. i have one of everything in my living area and a copy in my bedroom, should i need to close her in there when allergic family members are over (i also carry all the big allergy medication brands as a back-up in case i get a visitor who forgot to take their medication, which includes me being stocked with allegra the medication lmao) and then i also have a back-up of all her stuff in my closet should anything break. i always make sure all my windows are open when i leave for class/shifts so she can have "Cat TV" since birds do fly around the area. she has a ton of toys (she has a toy box actually) and i bought her multiple hideaways (like her shark pictured here; she also has a cactus that's pretty cute). also, ontop of having a good breakway collar, her microchip now reads my information. but yeah, im still working on the money to get her one more of everything for the house we visit for the holidays so i don't have to carry everything. i do a lot of research still-- on both cats and Siamese-- to make sure i am doing everything to make her happy, since her world is just me and our apartment now

i called out for her-- i had long since started calling her Allegra as a joke, because its a name of a popular allergy medication and so much of my family was allergic-- and shrugged sadly when she didn't come out. i had just put my stuff down to get my key out when i heard a familar crybaby. turns out, she had been sleeping in our sweetgrass and i had woken her up. she ran over and i called my family to take my things inside while i used the rest of my day to get her to a shelter. i put on a cat harness+leash before trying to out her in the cardboard box. don't buy cardboard boxes from Pet Co. they're shit. she broke out of it Alien style before i had even fully reversed out of the driveway. i had to improvise her leash into a seatbelt instead

but yeah. i say my favorite gremlin is dog-like because:

she has an overbite, so she looks like she's got her lip jutted out in a pout all the time. what's dog-like about it is this makes her slobber whenever she's excited or content (and i've grown up with mastiffs, who slobber so much you need 2 rags per room dedicated to their slobber)

hesitatingly, i called my only family member that was semi-local to see if he would be okay with fostering her until i was going to move (which was less than 6 months away) because, otherwise, i wasn't going to be able to keep her. and she was definitely going to be adopted immediately. he and his wife said of course, without hesitation. they were both huge cat lovers and they were, emotionally, my closest family members; so i had kept them in the loop about my cat quest. and they had already discussed potentially fostering Allegra, knowing my request was a possibility (read: probability). he drove over from his workplace to pick her up, with his own carrier, and drove the roughly 2 hours from our house back to his

she meows when people are at the door and greets them by begging for pets

she loves shoes. she steals my tennis shoes because she loves the laces and she will try to swat at them when im tying them. her claw getting stuck and forcing me to not continue has worked to make me late multiple times. but she also will lay down around my friends' feet and rub her face against their shoes, flipflops, and toes. one of my friends likes to joke that allegra has a foot fetish. she also can and will put her face into my tennis shoes and try to sleep like that. that's my bastard baby

i visited their house about once a week. except during finals, where i didn't visit for two or three weeks since i didnt have any exams so much as i had projects. (allegra was PISSED at me when i came back, my cuddly kitty refused to come near me and would run away when forcibly placed on my lap. she even swiped at me. by the next visit, she was grumpy but happier. by the one after that, everything was back to normal) i really liked visiting those family members too; it made us even closer. though it still annoys the male how much research i do about cat-care (as opposed to just accepting everything everyone tells me as gospel). i researched even down to "how to best pet a cat". i did this since, due to said allergic family members, i had never owned a cat and therefore didnt osmosisly process how to best care for one. i've also never been fully fauthful of people's advice that's based on "This is how we've/the media always done it". my history with mastiffs showed that not all breeds are the same and that you do have experts to utilize within your phone, and they are experts over peers for a reason. so i looked up dumbass questions like "how to best pet a cat" since i'm not an expert and Jackson Galaxy and friends are right there in my phone

she wants to play constantly. she loves tug of war the most, but anything involving chase has her going at full-speed

ive spoken to fellow cat-owners and mastiff-owners about this, and i thought this was interesting: when she isn't playing, she's sleeping. which is what mastiffs and cats do. and when i get up, she follows me. which is what our mastiffs do. and while i do stuff, she sits and waits by the doorway or else walks around my feet until i tell her to sit out of the way. which is what our mastiffs do. and then i go to sit down again, and she lays down as close as she can and goes back to sleep, which is what our mastiffs do. apparently, none of my friends cats do this; their cats just, at best, wake up to watch them leave and then their cats go back to sleep in the same place regardless of if they come back

Allegra likes to sleep at the foot of my bed for bedtime, at least for a majority of it

but, regardless if my worries, allegra seems happy! she cuddles with her claws out all the time (not sticking into my skin, just out) which is a sign of contentment. she'll also use her claws to keep me in place, like a fucking seatbelt (example pictured in post); it's where her claws will dig into the furniture and i cannot get up because of her, the possessive piece of shit. but she also gives me tons of Slow Blinks of I Love You. and she always runs to greet me at the door. and it's really funny how, anytime there's guests over, she tries to make it obvious that she's my favorite over (usually through politely tapping my leg with her paw to ask and recieve pets, and then giving everyone a very Cat Surrounded By Knives grin cuz i havent petted any of THEEEMMM lmao) she's hilarious

she doesn't like to be carried unless it means she's going with me somewhere outside the house. then she's as well-behaved as a chihuahua in a purse

she licks my hands all the time. and she licks my face to wake me up (at 4AM, Allegra, go aWAY)

she loves smelly clothes. the shoe part should tell you that much tho. for our mastiffs, we would leave them a smelly piece of clothing between washes to comfort via smell. Allegra, in a similar vein, was not impressed when i bought a laundry basket with a lid (almost carrying her to the communal laundry room once was enough, thank you!)

in the same vein as the clothes: she also loves blankets too. the more Me Smelling the blanket, the better (aka she doesn't like brand new blankets until its been like. month two or three of use). this is largely because i love blankets. but she kneads them, purring, even if im not using them. and when i am, she takes my using them as an invitation for cuddles

she sits whenever i tell her "NO" like 'who me? i was not doing a bad. i am but small creature'

she asks for a daily walk. she doesn't like the idea of being an outdoor cat. she just wants walks. like, she has lived several months not going outside and has been super happy. she made it clear on her adoption day that she was done with outside. she was perfectly content with being an indoor cat! still is, in a way! i ruined it. for myself. me. i was worried she wasn't being stimulated enough, so i experimented taking her on a walk and now i have created a monster. now she sits by the door and cries until i get out her harness and leash. which she hates her harness in a "no ball, only throw" kinda way. but she has also proven hates going outside alone since she is now ALSO scared of everything (remember those outdoor cats Allegra The Stray would hide from? how they would run away from strangers?? yeah. now that she has a Person, Allegra's turned into one of Them now). yeah.. she runs the fuck away (or as far as she can with a leash) from people she sees on her walks now. and it is pretty obvious she hates cars and dogs too, because when i have walked her outside of our new complex she is too petrified to move. like, she freezes even when just being close to a street. she likes our complex's janky carpeted hallways between the apartments, and she likes the ability to hide behind my legs. being an outdoor cat is something Allegra has decided she is not a fan of. if i try to change things up scenery-wise, she always asks to go home as soon as possible and runs into the apartment if our walks turn too much into what her life was before being adopted (aka. streets/cars, lawns, people walking). she wants walks. she LOVES and BEGS for walks. but not be outside. walks. even though she still hates her harness lmao

and that's Allegra! she's aproximately 2 years old, i've had her for less than a year, and she's assumedly a purebred Siamese cat. and she's also my ESA, or Emotional Support Animal. if applicable, a cuddly and loving pet is helpful for keeping mental health more stable. in my experience of getting one, it was fairly easy to get it permitted; especially a cat because they're super easy to get registered as compared to a dog. i am lucky enough to have regular physician as my doctor that empathizes with mental health and knows it not to be her area of expertise so much as the patient+their therapist (but also i have a history of attempted treatment on my medical record since i was 16), so my getting registered was literally just me asking for a doctor's note and her giving it to me near immediately. i can't take Allegra with me to classes or resteraunts or anything, nor do i even want to, but it forces apartments/hotels to HAVE to let me board with my ESA and to do so without an additional fee. however, i don't know if that's how ESAs work internationally or even in all of the states of America, the country where i live. but it definitely helps to have someone who needs me to get up everyday, who can never trigger me, who makes me laugh with their hijinks, and who cuddles with me regardless of if i have had a good day or bad day. Allegra is especially good at her job by being especially attentive whenever i am anxious. even if it's just me getting a little bit anxious because i'm late in turning an assignment in but have logically decided it doesn't matter because the assignment is only 2 points anyway, just turn it in late and don't focus on it; and she starts patting my leg almost continuously asking for pets inbetween rubbing herself on my legs. it's why i let her get away with never paying rent. i'm really glad she chose me. we both got really lucky with that decision ♡

i don't want to assume your situation, so i won't recommend an ESA for you so much as just remind you that they exist. i hope this all helps you feel supported and encouraged to continue to find the small wonders ♡♡♡

[mmmbopwasntthatbad]

CAOS: Harvey Kinkle

In kindergarten, they were told to draw a picture of their family and label each person. When Harvey got home he grabbed a piece of construction paper, pulled out his crayons, sat on the ground, and got to work. The paper was light blue, so he didn’t have to color in the sky and he put the sun in the corner. He could hear his mom and dad yelling elsewhere in the house, but Tommy wasn’t home. He leaned down closer to his paper and poured his focus into drawing.

Mom, Dad, Tommy, and Me.

—

Harvey was seven when his mom left. One day there, the next gone. No note, no goodbye, no forwarding address. His dad refused to even mention her. Sometimes Harvey could almost believe she had never existed. If it wasn’t for the drawing he kept on his desk maybe he could forget. When that failed to convince him, he would wait until his father couldn’t hear and ask Tommy.

When he laid in bed at night, listening to the football announcers yelling from the tv in the other room he imagined her hitchhiking all over the country. The Grand Canyon, the Empire State Building, San Francisco Bay, the Statue of Liberty- Harvey may be stuck in Greendale, but his mother was not weighed down but anyone or anything. Not anymore.

Other times, after his father has yelled about the money needed for food, or about flag football being inappropriate at his and Tommy’s ages, that tackle is more appropriate, else they may become weak, about Harvey not needing any color pencils for school what are they teaching you th-

Harvey imagines his mother not making it past the front steps, his father burying her in the backyard with nothing to mark the spot. He imagines his mother bleeding into the soil, seeping into their water, and making the Kinkle family sick with anger and despair.

Either way, Harvey wishes she brought him with her.

—-

“Tell the story again, the one that mom always told”

“I can’t Harvey, I have homework to do. Besides, you know it, why do you need me to tell it?”

“....I don’t, I guess.”

Harvey closed his eyes and tried to remember his mom kneeling by his bed and her soft voice telling him about the traveler and the hosts he encountered. His mother’s face was fuzzy surrounded by a halo of blonde hair and which host was welcoming and which turned him away, which was punished with fury and flame and which rewarded with love?

He couldn’t quite remember the story, but he was starting to figure out how things in the real world worked out.

—-

Harvey got into his first fight in second grade. No blood was shed and no knees were scraped, but he was brought to sit in the pirncipal’s office to wait for his father anyways. After an hour and a half, his dad still hadn’t shown and the last bell rang. Outside the office, he could see all the other kids being escorted outside for dismissal and wondered who was going to come get him.

After a few more minutes, Tommy appeared at the doorway, having walked to pick him up. Harvey was allowed to leave and told to tell his dad to check his voicemail.

After sitting for so long, Harvey has begun to think that no one would ever come to get him and he would be left to rot in the office forever.

He doesn’t know if that would be so bad.

—-

“A fight?”

“Y-yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

His dad held up a hand to silence him. After taking a sip of his beer, he spoke again.

“Did you win?”

Harvey knew there was only one right answer.

“Yes.”

“Maybe you’re not so chickenshit after all,” his dad nodded appraisingly and Harvey took this as his notice to leave.

Harvey knew he was chickenshit because he couldn’t even bring himself to tell anyone that he didn’t even swing at the other kid once. He just put his hands up and shied away and took the pain.

He was good at that.

—-

The mines were a maze and he couldn’t get out and he had been in there so long and he couldnt find his way out and Tommy and his friends have to be looking for him, they’ll have to find him eventually, they’ll find him and it will just end up with him being crowned the champion of hiding, he won’t be lost down here, he won’t-

A goat that towered over him, an unnatural being that stared straight through him. The mines smelled like matches and Harvey could not move or breathe or think. He could never remember ever being so terrified as he was right then.

When Tommy found him five hours later, he was quivering and crying, pressed up against the rough wall.

—-

“Harvey! Harvey are you alright?! We’ve been looking for you for hours!” Tommy came bounding through the mines and Harvey wanted to scream at him to be quiet, that he’ll find them and they’ll never get out of these mines alive.

Harvey doesn’t say anything, just continues to cry as Tommy hugs him

“Harvey, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Tommy pulls back to inspect him and wait for Harvey to respond. When he receives no answer, Tommy quiets down.

“Hey Harv, look at me. Are you okay?”

Since he didn’t know how to answer, Harvey said the one thing he knew was true.

“We need to get out of here.”

—-

Tommy doesn’t mention losing his brother for hours to their dad and Harvey doesn’t say anything to anyone. Tommy waits a few days to ask Harvey what happened in the mines but only gets the shake of a head in return. Harvey sits at his desk for hours every day after school and draws through cramped fingers and stiff backs. Tommy waits until Harvey is asleep to go look through Harvey’s drawings. While some are concrete and the others more abstract, they are all of the same terrible monster.

Tommy stops asking and Harvey starts to talk more. If it weren’t for the drawings and the sporadic nightmares that woke Harvey up, sweaty and shaking, it would almost be like nothing had ever happened in the first place.

—-

Much later, Tommy will quietly mention to Harvey that no one has ever said anything about seeing anything like his drawings in the mines.

Harvey doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse

—-

Middle school introduces Harvey to Sabrina, a petite blonde who attended the other local grade school. They hit it off when they are sat next to each other in social studies on the first day and grow closer together each year. Harvey lets Sabrina’s passionate kindness influence him and lets her positivity mood his outlook.

High school sees them become a couple and together in a tight knit group of friends. Harvey forgets himself when he is with them.

—-

Tommy is complimenting his drawings, their “messed up”-ness adding to their quality and not detracting from it. Harvey has never been happier to be called a twisted little weirdo.

Excitedly, Harvey tells Tommy about the offer of making posters for the book store and maybe even working there on weekends.

“That your idea of a joke? You wanna hang out in the back of a comic book shop with some pervert who plays dress up?”

Tommy tried to stick up for him, but Harvey knows it it futile. His father is angry and nothing can stop him.

“You wanna job Harvey? I gotta job for ya, in the mines. You’ll start with a shift this week”

Harvey hears Tommy arguing with his dad but can’t comprehend the words anymore. It could be waiting for him in the mines and his father has condemned him to finding out.

—-

He doesn’t go into the mines this time. But later, when he does, he sees nothing. His life feels like an excercise in the unnecessary.

—-

Susie’s uncle chills Harvey to the bones and he is eight and in the mines again. There’s no Tommy to protect him now so he won’t be chickenshit this time, he decides, and attempts to keep himself from falling apart.

—-

Tommy’s back and Harvey has to shoot him.

He steels himself and attempts to give back some of the peace Tommy gave to him

—-

Sabrina is a witch and she has to stay away from him for his safety. That’s what she says to Harvey at least.

But at this point, Harvey knows how this goes. He kisses her, and watches another person leave his life, without bothering to ask if he wants to leave too.

[fear0fdeathkeepsusalive]

Stunned

Tags: Definitely @musikat18 (because she is Lumberjack Wife) @yallneedtrek @bkwrm523 @bookcaseninja @annathewitch  

Thank you @annathewitch and @yallneedtrek for this idea

Summary: A part of the ‘Sticky’ series, ideas are from the Urban Shitposting Discord Group and written out by me.

Rating: M+

Sorry for any mistakes. It’s late but I wanted to post this.

++++++++++++

“Face it man, you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole.” Abner chuckled a laugh.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, and neither do you.” Gavin replied grumpily as he tried to concentrate on his work.

“It’s obvious Gav. We see the way you look at her - like she’s the only damn person in the room. She’s comfortable with you, always joking and teasing you.” Bobby states, laughing as well.

‘Oh she teases me alright.’ Gavin thought to himself. “Alright, apparently this heat is getting to you all and you’re becoming delirious. How about a break?” He suggested removed his hard hat, wiping away the sweat that was dripping from his head.

The men didn’t argue for a break, happy to get out of the heat. They packed their tools up and started down to the trucks.

“Do you really not see what we see Gav?” Woodrow asked, slightly ahead of the rest. “She definitely likes you back. She’s always going out her way to do things for you.”

“Like what?” Gavin asked, rolling his eyes. He couldn’t believe they were even having this conversation.

“Baking your favorite cookies.” Woodrow stated.

“When your fridge died last month she brought an extra lunch for you everyday.” Abner added.

“That’s just how Y/N is. She’d do the same for you guys.” Gavin scratched the back of his neck and tried to ignore the fact his face was heating up.

“Oh, so you do notice! Are you blushing man?!” Abner pointed out and started laughing, the other guys jumping in on the teasing.

Gavin tried to ignore them, everything they were saying was true and he knew it. Looking up from the ground he saw you standing near the trucks, a little table by your side with red cups displayed on it. He paused a second, stunned to see you there. He couldn’t help the grin that appeared on his face and maybe a little more pep in his step as he made his way down to you.

“Make sure you all get hydrated, we don’t need any repeats of yesterday.” Gavin teased as he watched Woodrow down a cup of water. He moved to a spot near you and smiled. “This is a nice surprise Y/N.” God damn he loved saying your name. 'Stay on track.’ He thought to himself as he found it harder and harder to concentrate near you nowadays. He wasn’t even sure what he ended up asking you as he wiped another drop of sweat from his forehead.

“The air conditioner is still broken.” You stated to him as your shoulders shrugged and you shifted toward the table. “You know boss man, you need to hydrate too.” You grabbed a cup and took a step toward him, which he wasn’t expecting as he stepped toward you to take the cup.

His hand collided with yours, causing the liquid to spill ovet the slide and on your arm. The words that came from your mouth shouldn’t have had any effect on him but they did. 'Stay focused. Play it cool.’ He chanted in his head. “That’s nothing.” He couldnt help but tease you as he pretended to throw more water at you.

“You wouldn’t dare!"

He couldn’t help but find amusement in your acting as he took a sip from his cup. From the corner of his eyes he saw you grab a cup and hold it in a defensive position.

"You better be nice to me.” You threatened, sounding as tough as a kitten.

“I’m always nice to you.” Gavin stated. 'Okay, you’re a little flirty Gavin - back it up.’ He pushed the thought away. “In fact I should be so nice to you right now. You’re looking a little hot.” More like drop dead gorgeous, but he couldn’t say that. Instead he splashed you with the remainder of his cup.

Playfully you splashed back, successfully hitting a part of him. You paused as did he before you both scrambled to grab more cups, tossing the liquid inside at each other.

Squeals and joyful giggles passed your lips as you tried to dodge the cold liquid.

Gavin soaked in your laughter, feeling the happiness radiating off you and seeping into his pours causing him to laugh too. A sudden attack to his face stopped him momentarily. He looked at you in shock, your face mirroring his expression. “Oh you’re gonna pay for that one.” He lunged toward you, a loud squeal echoed in the air as you ran circles around the table.

This could have lasted forever but suddenly Bobby was in front of you, stopping you to a halt giving him time to grab you by the waist and lifting you off the ground. He smiled at your squeal of laughter and then almost dropped you at the sudden assault of ice cold liquid dumping over your heads. He released you quickly and you turned to face him. Amusement was still shining in your eyes and he knew it he was stunned again. Somewhere you definitely took his heart and carried it with you.

The sound of laughter on the side lines filled Gavin’s ears, and he focused on his surroundings again. He had completely forgotten that the crew was watching - oh they were definitely tease him about. this later.

“I’m soaked!"

The words barely left your lips before his brain went right to the gutters, his pants twitched in the front. He looked your body up and down. You were indeed soaked, hair dripping droplets of water down your face to your chest and down the breasts hidden under your very now noticeable bra. He knew you said something so he muttered a response of some sort. He couldn’t move his eyes from your chest fast enough as you slapped your arms to cover your breasts.

"I got to go! You guys clean up!” You rushed toward you car, nervous and obvious embarrassed. Peaking over the roof of your vehicle you have a final smile. “Gavin, don’t let anyone else pass out. I’ll see you all later.”

He was disappointed to see you peel away so quickly. A hand slapped his shoulder.

“Oh man boss, you have it baaaaaad!” Abner let out a hoot of a laugh.

“Yeah there is no denying it. You two were acting like little kids in eigth grade trying to not flirt with their crush, but failing terribly because you were both flirting up a storm.” Woodrow added, joining in on the laughter.

Bobby went to open his mouth but Gavin stopped him. “Don’t even say a thing. You boys clean up these cups and eat something - I’m going back to work. Meet me when you’re done.” He walked away calmly until he was out of eyes view.

Once clear and far enough Gavin leaned against a tree to collect his thoughts. Closing his eyes he picture the water trailing down your skin. He made quick of his belt and released himself from his jeans. He thought of the moans he heard when he massaged your shoulders. He wrapped a hand around his cock and began to pump it.

The image of you and that damn lollipop came to mind. He let out a groan. That’s where it all started from, that damn lollipop and how you took it so well in your mouth. How you licked the stickiness off your lips and your innocent questions. The cookies you made the little touches of you skin on his when your hands brushed. His name falling from you lips.

He came quickly, spilling his come on the forest floor. He had to stop doing this. He couldn’t stop doing this. You constantly stunned him whenever he saw you.

Fuck, he had it bad.

[campdnp-winter-blog]

Idk if the foxes submitted a fic yet but here’s one if they didn’t (sorry my tent is asleep and I couldnt talk to them last night)

Furry meetup

The Arctic Foxes excitedly entered the airport, suited up for their special meeting. There’d been a contest, of course, on the deepest, darkest part of Dan’s tumblr, asking for the “smollest group with the cutest mascot uwu” and boy, did the Foxes deliver. The stepped off their plane to London in full fursuits save for the masks; they wanted Dan and Phil to see the chaos in their eyes.

Each fox had a specialized pursuit of an arctic fox in the group’s colour scheme. After collecting their luggage (extra fursuits, of course), they spotted Their Dads waiting by a window.

“Thewe they awe uwu!” Erin exclaims, pointing at them. The Foxes started towards the closeted furries and were quickly noticed. Phil was shocked and honestly kind of scared but Dan looked ecstatic. As the group neared, they could hear the men’s conversation.

“See, Phil, I told you we should have worn our fursuits!”

“Not gonna happen, Danny boy. I refuse to do it.”

“But Philllllllllllllllllll-”

“Hey guys!” Phil cut off Dan’s whine. “We’re so glad you could make it!”

“And so jealous of your fursuits!”

“Well, he is.” While dan seemed happy and to be living his best life, Phil seemed… off. He was hiding something. Something the Foxes were sure they could get out of him.

After some Good Bants they went back to the boyes place to hang out. Though Phil suffered to hang up their suits many times, the Foxes stayed in their True Forms. Dan went to change into his fursuit while Phil stewed, looking more and more uncomfortable. Finally, he was the third wheel.

Soon Phil asked if anyone wanted anything to eat. Everyone replied, “yes uwu”.

“Do you guys have to do the uwu thing all the time?” He asked. The furries all shared a Look.

“No… they all replied at the same time. They all began to chime off one by one.

"uWu”

“UwU”

“UWU”

“OwO”

“owo”

“Owo”

“HOW DID YOU ALL JUST DO THAT OUT LOUD????? IM GOING TO GET FOOD PLEASE DONT TELL ME, GOODBYE”

And with that, phil left. With all this time, Dan and the Foxes came to the sad, yet inevitable conclusion. They were going to have to kill Phil.

“He isn’t one of us.”

“He knows too much.”

“He doesn’t it like it when we hang out together.”

The Foxes forced Dan to realize the truth.

“How are we going to do it, then?” He asked, finally.

“We have a plan,” said the Foxes simultaneously.

“I’m all ears,” dan said with a cheeky wink.

~~~~~~~~~~an hour later~~~~~~~~~

Everything was in place. The apartment quivered with anticipation. All that was left was-

“Dan? Foxes? I brought the food!” Phil announced as he walked through the door.

Finally. Two of the Foxes, Sef and Harley, grabbed Phil and silenced him as they brought him to The Place. They tied him to a chair with great difficulty because of his long, noodley limbs flailing about. Dan stood directly in front of Phil, with Sef, Erin, Hannah, and Harley right behind him. The rest of the Foxes stood in a half circle around them. Dan removed Phil’s gag but not his blindfold.

“ what’s going on? Dan? Foxes? Are you guys playing with me?” Phil’s voice cracked as he spoke, and you can see him restraining a comment about it. This was no time for jokes, Mr. ladydoor.

“Phil,” Sef spoke.

“ you’re not one of us.” continued Harley.

“Your jealousy is not hidden well,” said Erin.

“You have heard too much,” added Hannah.

“Heard what? I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“The uwus, Phil!” Dan said. “They’re a code. A secret fiery code.vwe thought you might know it, that you were just hiding it. But no.”

“And now,” said Harley.

“You must” continued Sef.

“Be killed” finished Erin.

Dan nodded solemnly. “I wish there were another way, Philly. However we risked to secret information. Information we cant let get out to the public.”

“What? Dan, you cant be serious! Surely this is a joke!” Phil yelled, desperate.

“Unfortuanately not, phil. Km sorry it has to end like this.” Dan said, and everyone but phil started a chant. It started out low, then it started to grow. It was the Official Farewell chant of the Furries. Dan got out his emergency recorder and played the first notes of My Heart Will Go On.

As the song came to a close, Phil was getting more and more anxious. He knew death would be upon him soon. He had to act fast, but could he break The Code? This was life or death, but still… The final notes played and he made his decision.

Dan reached for a knife behind Phil, but as he did so, phil screamed.

“IM A FURRY!”

Gasps rang out through the Foxes. Boos and murmuring followed. Sef called out, “Horseshit!”

Erin yelled “no way!”

Other yells soon came, until through it all, Phil’s voice thundered…

“ØwØ”

Again, gasps rang out. Dan stood in front of phil in shock. He took off the blindfold.

“The secret uwu…” dan whispered in bewilderment. “You broke the code…”

“Yes. I had to. I couldnt watch you become a killer.”

“But the rules-”

“To help with the rules! I’m not going to sit here and let you and a bunch of kids become wanted murderers because some rule says that I cant talk about my secret furry status!”

“But they’ll find us.”

“Let them come. Look at us! Were a kick ass group of furries! We’ll fight them. Move around. Well be dan and phil and the Arctic Foxes- furry vigilantes.”

“That sounds like a really terrible fanfic idea conceived at three in the morning.”

“Yeah. Too bad this is real and we have to fight our furry overlords now.”

With that, they untied phil and ate the food that was now cold on the counter but still tasty. Phil showed them his ultra-mega-super fursuit from a hidden hatch in his and Dan’s closet.

They talked for a while about what needed to be done, who’s memories needed to be altered (cause furries can do that, obviously). They made a plan to move back to Manchester and make that their HQ. they decided how they were going to recruit using none other than tungle.com. good thing none of their fursuits have female presenting nipples.

They hashed out their income and where they would shop, and of course decided on a method to see who had to go get the door when they ordered takeaway (rock, paper, scissors).

Soon they had devoted members and were successfully thwarting the Furry Overlords. We love our Furry Vigilante Daddies, I guess.

And that’s how the Arctic Foxes met dnp and became furry vigilantes.

idk how to feel about this so you get a 

95/100

-Jax

[shy-badger]

Prompt 42

Now for my second prompt. This one can be more wholesome. 42 “I need a hug”. I’m sorry this is so late. Life got in the way, but hey, better late than never?

He was at it again. After every meal, after every mission, nearly all of his waking hours were spent playing that stupid game. Raven didn’t think anything of it at first, Beast Boy always loved playing video games, but now it seemed to take over every part of his life. She didn’t even know why he played it so much considering he spent most of his time playing it with an angry scowl on his face.

Raven sat on the end of the couch, reading and nursing her bruised body after a particularly tough fight with Plasmus. They had barely survived at all, escaping at the last second thanks to Robin’s quick thinking. Beast Boy took the most damage out of all of the titans, his animal forms always struggled with the giant glob of goo.

“No, don’t you…” Beast Boy pleaded just before the words, “You died” popped up on the screen. Beast boy’s shoulders sagged in defeat. “I can’t even beat a stupid video game.” He whispered, sagging back into the couch. The quiet voice of her teammate startling Raven, her forgotten book in her lap. She instead stared at her teammate beside her. He was always so animated. No matter the emotion; happy, sad, angry, he was always over the top. It normally annoyed Raven.

This however, was much worse. He wasn’t flailing about making a lot of noise, he wasn’t going off on some exaggerated rant, or even trying to puff himself up and blame some part of the game for messing him up some how. Beast Boy, instead, sat quietly in defeat. He stared at the screen like his life was over, morose and downcast to such an extreme that worry began to gnaw at Raven. She suspected that maybe, this wasn’t about the game. Beast Boy always had a habit of hiding the things that bothered him. So concerned with “burdening” his friends, that he always tried to wade through his problems alone. So quick to offer a helping hand to others, and so quick to refuse one for himself.

Raven watched Beast Boy for a moment more, puzzled by his seemingly sudden melancholy. Then the realization that this wasn’t so sudden crept up on Raven. Bit by bit, she remembered little changes in his behavior over the last couple of weeks. How his jokes seemed to have less energy behind them, how his smile didn’t seem to meet his eyes, and how when he thought he was alone, his smile was gone altogether.

Raven’s thought’s were interrupted when Beast Boy reached forward and drank what the last of his soda. He stared at the empty can for a moment, as if it held all the answers he had ever searched for, before standing with a sigh. Raven watched him as he walked over to the trash can pondering what could be the cause of her normally jubilant teammate’s newfound demeanor. She suspected that it might have something to do with the last few fights the team had. Plasmus had been released, and whoever was responsible was putting him to work very frequently lately. Beast Boy was struggling the most given the bad match up of powers, and she could guess the hell it was playing on his psyche. He was probably blaming himself, thinking it was because he wasn’t strong, or fast, or smart enough.

Raven took a deep breath to steady the emotions her thoughts had stirred, as Beast Boy turned back to the couch and jumped upon seeing Raven staring back at him.

“Raven!”

Beast Boy started figiting while doing a terrible job of acting casual.

“Hey, Rea… Um when did you get here?… Not like you can’t be here… I mean it’s your tower too…. I meant how long have you been sitting there?… Not that you can’t sit there either… I… Um… Was just surprised to see you. You’re really quiet sometimes. Ha ha”

Raven was taken aback, partly because he hadn’t noticed she was there, but mostly because there he was trying to hide his gloom behind that signature smile of his. This time however the smile didn’t quite meet his eyes.

Raven looked at Beast Boy with suspicion. He hadn’t trusted her to see him that upset, he simply didn’t know she was there.

“Are you ok Beast Boy?”

Beast Boy looked worried for a split second before over exaggerating his smile even further.

“Me? I’m fine Rae, in more ways than one.” He punctuated his line with a suggestive eye brow wiggle for good measure.

You’re a terrible liar Beast Boy. What’s wrong?“ Raven said with an eye roll.

“I’m fine Rae, I swear.” Beast Boy was scratching the back of his neck while he answered her.

“Really?” Raven asked, skeptical.

“Oh I see. You wanna see how fine I really am?” This time Beast Boy put on more of an act by lifting up the corner of his uniform shirt to expose his abs.

Before Raven could stop herself, she sighed.

“You know Beast Boy? Sometimes you really tick me off.”

Raven hadn’t meant to say that, sure she wanted to talk to him, but she was hoping to calm herself before finding out what was wrong.

Beast Boy’s ears drooped a little before he attempted to defend himself.

“Ah come on Rae, It wasn’t that bad. I’ve said way worse stuff than that.”

Raven pinched the bridge of her nose in the hopes of displaying her annoyance.

“That’s not what this is about, you idiot.” She did manage to hold back the venom in her voice dispite her unreasonable desire to do otherwise. Raven knew she was getting upset, more so than she thought she should be. She closed her book and stood up from the couch, fully intending to end the conversation there and heading to her bedroom to meditate.

Beast Boy grabbed Raven’s arm as she passed him.

“Wait, Rae whatever I did, I’m sorry ok. Just come back to the couch, and I’ll even make you some tea or something to make up for whatever I did wrong. Ok?” Beast Boy flashed her a toothy grin to finish of his plea.

Raven couldn’t help but get even more irritated with him. She knew she shouldn’t be upset at all, he always dealt with his problems like this. She also thought that the way to help him was with gentle support, yet she couldn’t help herself. After everything he had done for the team, for her, she wanted better for him. She wanted him to trust her enough to ask for help. Raven hated the anger and hurt she felt, certain that these emotions were irrational and useless to her right now. Yet try as she might, she couldn’t stop her mouth form moving.

“You want to know what you did wrong Beast Boy? Nothing. You never do anything wrong.

Beast Boy recoiled at her sudden outburst, but Raven kept going.

“Yet anytime something bad happens, you’re so quick to blame yourself for stupid reasons like, you’re not strong enough, not good enough, or not smart enough. You never want us to see it though, so you hide it behind that stupid smile of yours. We know that’s your way of coping and there’s nothing wrong with that, but Beast Boy, we want you to come to us when something is wrong. When we have a problem, you won’t let up until you’ve helped us resolve it. Why can’t we do the same for you? Do you not trust us? Or do you not care if you hurt us? Because it does hurt Beast Boy. We love you and when you’re hurting, we want to help you. When you don’t let us, it hurts. I thought that you, of all people would know that.“

Raven took a deep breath to calm herself a little. Beast Boy stood staring at her looking a combination of shocked and guilty.

“Look Beast Boy, I’m not asking you to change everything about yourself. We love you, as our friend and our teammate. We wouldn’t have you any other way, but please. Every once and a while, ask us if you need something, ok? We want to help you too.” Raven was surprised to hear the emotions behind her plea. She looked at Beast Boy, afraid she may have hurt his feelings.

Beast Boy stared at Raven for what seemed like eternity before he finally burst into laughter. Raven was both confused and a little relieved. After a minute, Beast Boy settled down enough to speak.

“I’m sorry Rae, I’m not laughing at you I swear. I’m laughing because, of all the things to cheer me up, I never thought it would be you getting mad at me.” Beast Boy finally stopped laughing, stood up straight and looked Raven dead in the eyes.

“I’m sorry that I worried you ok? I’ll try to be more honest in the future.”

The way that Beast Boy delivered his apology was off putting to Raven. It was so confident and grounded that it seemed almost out of character, yet she couldn’t help that it made her core feel just a bit warmer than before.

“Ok good.” Raven suddenly felt smaller after her anger had calmed down and Beast Boy had changed posture.

Raven turned to head to her room before Beast Boy stopped her again, this time simply by calling to her.

“ Raven?” When she had turned back to hear him out, she found him figiting again. “If you really want to know when I need something, well… I kinda need a hug.” Beast Boy couldn’t seem to meet her eye after that, looking instead at his hands.

Raven response was to wrap her arms around Beast Boy’s shoulders, pulling him into an embrace he didn’t seem to expect.

“Oh. I didn’t think you’d actually…” Beast Boy said shocked before hugging her back and resting his chin on her shoulder. “Thanks Rae. I needed this.”

Raven was being squeezed tightly by Beast Boy and found her thoughts wandering to the peek he had given her of his abs earlier. Try as she might she couldnt get the picture out of her head, nor could she stop the blush she was sure she was wearing now.

When Beast Boy ended the hug, Raven quickly threw her hood up to cover her face.

“You should be careful Rae.” Beast Boy was saying over his shoulder as he returned to the couch. “If you keep giving me hugs that nice, I may ask for one every day.”

“Don’t push your luck.” Came Raven’s monotone threat, as she turned on her heel towards her room, though as she heard the common room door shut behind her, she couldn’t help thinking that hugging Beast Boy ever day wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

[danger-archive]

tentatively sticks head in. jeepers. 

hey y’all. this is a weird post to write because i’ve written it in my head like twenty times over (and also bc i feel like hillary clinton like writing a pr statement after a night of shenanigans) the past few days to try and come up with the chillest thing to say so i don’t sound as embarrassed as i actually feel but. i just wanna thank everyone who was there for me when i wasn’t there for myself and i’m sorry to have put you all through that. that’s so not like me. i prefer to make people suffer with bad jokes and mlp references, personally? but yeah, thanks and well im back now and im in therapy and ive been tryna get my citizenship here so i can get a job and help w moving next year, so things are... they’re good. 

and now for those who actually wanna know what the fuck happened to make me have a full on melt-down, that’s under the cut, but yeah tw and all that. 

in short, man i busted an emotional nut. like something just broke yk? my cup runneth over with hardship to say the least. to give some context, a day or two before (let’s call it the incident please) the incident, i had a pretty big post-traumatic episode, and i hadn’t been feeling right since. that was probably the catacylst. not to mention i was having really, really low self-esteem, i’d relapsed a week before, and was having so many mood-swings all the time, and really i cant explain what set me off, because one second i was watching some video and the second i was just full on sobbing. but the root of it was how hopeless i felt. i was seeing my dad soon and i was terrified he’d like, forbid me from moving. which arab parents can totally do. i was terrified id have to live here forever. and i guess that brought on a sort of panic attack or something like no other. but it was weird, because it came with a lot of agitation. it was like i couldn’t stand to be in my skin. i couldn’t look in a mirror without freaking out, would have probably tried to break it if i was close enough. it’s such a hard thing to explain how much anger and grief and just pure hopelessness was running through me. and i have to say this. i didn’t want to die. but i did want to make it stop. i would have done anything to make all of it just     stop.  i wanted so bad to be alive, but the problem is, living here i don’t feel alive without knowing there’s some hope in my future. i can hang on, so long as i know i have a future somewhere else. but at the time it was just so terrible. i tried to get myself admitted to a clinic obviously, like i did everything you’re supposed to do when you think you’re going to hurt yourself 

anyway, over the course of like nine hours i finally was able to sleep and calm down and yeah. 

after, i couldnt come back here. i was so ashamed of how hard i’d broken. like, i still am, because it was so obviously a cry for help but... i just needed downtime. plus for a few days after, i was emotionally hollowed out. and i’m such an emotional personal even normally, so it was just... really hard for me. like im not meant to be that empty. it’s like... have you ever seen a pool when it’s empty of water, and there’s just dried leaves and shit in it? that’s how i felt. just wrong and empty and people would keep saying they loved me and i was like ‘thats great but that doesnt fix me. i cant even find it in me to say it back im just void right now’ which sounds dramatic but it’s how i felt. so yeah, roleplaying was so far out of the question too. 

i ended up finding a therapist though, and hopefully that goes well for me. it’ll make the interim between here and ny so much better, especially because ik i have to get help for my bpd and the other stuff or it’s going to drive me crazy. and i’ve been trying to find some kind of kick-boxing class i could take to help with my anger issues too and... yeah. if nothing else, it opened the door for me and my dad to talk more. and by that i mean him talking because i was not about to start sobbing in the sushi place. but it’s nice to hear after 20 years that your dad knows he fucked up and he’s trying to make it better. doesn’t fix everything, but it helps i guess. 

anyway, i feel soothed and... content i guess now knowing for sure i’m gonna be in new york mf city next year. anyone who knows me knows that’s always been my dream since i was like 10. i’ve always talked about how the first time i set foot in it im just going to break down in tears because i have worked /so fucking hard/ to make it there. i’m so hopeful. it feels like my life is finally going to begin. 

[the-moonlovesthe-sun]

Tom holland imagine

Don't wanna let go

Tom holland x reader

Fluff, angst and a bit- just a bit of kissing

If any request, hmu!!

—-

After a long time away from tom, you decided that taking a break was the right thing to do. You had been home in london with tess for about a year, while tom was out there making a life for himself.

Sure he came by and visited often, but all he did was sleep and stay over at his parents. It was taking a toll on you. Not having tom by your side, supporting your actions. Not having his strong arms around you whenever you where feeling down. Tom was your home, your everything and you just couldnt let go. Not just yet anyway.

After five months apart and tom not calling you, you decided to leave. With just one note saying that you’ll always love him. It was one of your hardest decisions and you felt sick to your stomach. Leaving such a huge part of your heart behind. You loved tom, loved his family , loved his dog, loved how he always run his fingers down your back when you where cuddling. Tom was your everything.

So by leaving it would make you miserable, but it was the right thing to do. Tom didn’t notice you anymore, and you couldn’t just stand by there watching your heart get crushed by the man you loved.

So you left.

Leaving all your memories behind.

2 weeks later

“Y/N please answer, I lo–ve you… please don’t leave me” tom cried.

Straight to voicemail.

“ I’m sorry, Y/N… don’t leave me. Your everything I got. I just can’t lose you” tom cried again.

Voicemail. Your heart faltered hearing tom so upset and broken. All you wanted to do was take everything back. Everything. You cried that night, like every other night. Nothing could fill the gaping hole in your heart. Not even your friends and family.

“ y/n it’s paddy, ehmmm… well Tom is crying again, and well we miss you.. please don’t leave me here with those people” paddy whispered and you chuckled, hearing him joke. ‘Bip bip’ and he ended the voicemail. You just couldn’t bring yourself to answer even if it was paddy. Harry and sam had also called, however not left a message.

You wheee sitting in your living room, watching netflix and eating your favourite meal. You hadn’t left your house in 4 days and you looked like a terrible mess. 'Ding dong’

“I’m coming!” You yelled, grabbing the remote and setting the movie on pause. You looked yourself in the mirror.

Yuck.

After fixing your hair, you opened the door to see tom holland standing there. His eyes watering and his body hunched forward. His curls hanging down his face.

His a mess to.

Tom gave you a sad smile and involved you in a thight hug. Saying "I miss you" and " I love you" over and over again.

He hugged you closer, kissing your forehead and humming in satisfaction. Tom was home, tom had his everything.

You closed your eyes and laid your head on his chest holding on for dear life. Like he was going to vanish. You smiled to yourself and a tear fell down your face. Soon followed by many more. You could hear him crying to and you hugged him closer (if it's even possible). After a moment or two, tom lifted his hands to your face making you look at him.

"Don't leave me y/n" " I love you so much"

Tom could see the love lingering in you gaze as you gave him a sad smile.

" I would never"

And you kissed.

[former-cannibal-3]

Tell us about how you got into art.

WOW this got super long, I’m so sorry!

I was given a metric assload of coloring books, glitter crayons and stuff by my grandma when I was a kid. I don’t remember ever starting, it’s just always been like that. Also I really liked Pokemon, like REALLY liked it, like any other small child in the 90s. So I had some established characters to draw, like pikachu and eevee! Those were my fave to draw. Any I just never really stopped.

Luckily my elementary school still had an “art class” back then. For one whole year it had an actual room, but then it was just a little cart pushed around. Nothing really groundbreaking, but since it was fun and I liked it (and was proud of being “better” than everyone else there) it just kept going.  it was really just a bunch of kids scribbling stuff with very little direction.

My art tteacher gave me a book about drawing things realistically. I really read that book and took it all to heart. Except for the grid thing, I thought the grid thing was stupid because all it let you do was COPY a photo, and I didn’t WANT to COPY! I wanted to make my OWN stuff!

I dont remember, but I think it was in first grade, maybe before that? Maybe after idk but it was really early on. I wrote stories about a wolf who’s name was Fear, and she was a pup when the forest she lived in burned down, and she got separated from her pack. So she ended up having to traverse the desert and run into other packs who wanted to use her in different ways (usually as a disposable labor or to watch the pack’s pups while their mothers went to have fun and stuff like that) and she would have to fight them to keep going. And so on. It was pretty in depth but I never actually got them on paper except for some shitty doodles.

Here’s a quick rendition of her from memory I made just now, using some free lineart. It’s probably missing some aspects of her design, but the main thing was that she is orange, had the dark stripe, and a white tail-tip. I know, looks like a fox. Of course my actually drawings of her were crude and done in crayon.

I really liked wolves. A Lot. So Much. I guess that’s probs why I’m a furry?

Similar to that time, like at the same time as Fear, I was makign my own TCG based on my own pet-sim website (heavily inspired by neopets and one gem-creature that i think was on a yugioh card). I made a “functioning” website in front page, it really just made me happy to click through on the previews and do pointless stuff that didn’t actually DO anything because it wasn’t a live website. But it was cool and fun. I made a lot of websites on front page lol. A LOT.

I made custom buttons and graphics in Paint and just came up with all this shit to “do” and ran with it. I also made some sites that were like, just really bad personal homepages. But I was also like somewhere between the ages of 7-11, I don’t remember what age specifically? BUT anyway frontpage is really fun to work with and I basically know all of my HTML and CSS from that and neopets.

What’s really funny is… I never had a home computer! I didn’t have computer until like 2009, and we still didn’t have internet at home until like 2013-ish. I might be off on those dates a bit but you can’t expect me to remember specifics when I struggle to remember things that happened yesterday lol.

Oh yeah I found Jay Naylor art and a comic called Good Cheese and accidentally got into furries bc of it, and yeah some of it was porn and my POOR LITTLE CHILD BRAIN COULDNT HANDLE bahahahahaa im fucking kidding, it WAS porn but it’s cool and I don’t think it really damaged me. I thought it was ~wrong~ but I still printed that shit out in black and white after school to take home with me oops.

Like RIGHT after that I got into Redwall and Serenity Rose. Redwall has this huge roleplay community online, it was really cool. i never had the guts to RP tho, so I just looked at pretty art and tried to emulate it. I made my own OCs and stuff. With Sera Rose I entered my first foray into online forums, the Bubblegum Noir. Where I posted doodles I did. I was also a really fucking obnoxious teenager lol. This was middle school bee tee dubbs.

Sometime in middle school I think my focus shifted a bit from my self-driven and pokemon fuel’d vigor for creating things. I certainly still drew fanart, I got really into anime (kinda, i read loveless and then was smitten by cat eared boys forever after that lol) and started drawing Neopets related stuff by then. (Yes I still plaid neopets in middle school, hush.) I think I scanned some art in to enter into the beauty contest.

Uhm in middle school I was introduced to all sorts of New Cool Tools like BRUSH PENS and stuff! WOAH! But yeah I actually tried to do shit for realsies. I did stain glass cutting and silk screen printing after school. Neato!

In middle school I also had a “running” comic I called My Life Unlimited, and it was like the bizzare megatokyo-esque thing where I drew me and my friends having everyday normal lives. Except my cat was Literally Satan. No I mean like actually, Satan was on vacation in the Real World disguised as a cat, but OFC I found him and was like oh no a poor lost kitty, let me put a collar on him and take him home n feed him. Which, as we all know collars = ownership and eating the food of the land etc etc. Which lead to me owning Satan, literally, who could shift inbetween cat form and human-ish-looking form. Also he couldn’t open the peanut butter once and it became a running joke.

There was this whole plot with angels and demons or whatever and the demons were the good guys and angels were generally manipulative assholes and uhhhh yeah. It was dorky but I liked it. Still kinda do. I dated a “fox demon” in the comic, he had a scythe, it was cool. B3

And uh, I just drew a lot of fanart, fancharacters. My own comic stuff. 

And then I dropped all of it in high school, where I only drew furries and school assigned artwork. It was neato, the only thing I learned was about negitive space, lineart quality and VAGUELY hue and value (but not terribly in detail, and it was muddy and mucky). I made an FA account, found artists like CorrieZodori and ForcesWerwolf, and joined the Hungry Pokemon Forums (as a minor and completely ignoring ALL the rules about being 18 or over.) WHOOPS guess I was into vore. No wait, I joined HPF in… middle school I think? IDEK.

Anyway I started drawing MORE furries and more maws. And back then I was like “only oral vore, mawshots or pre-vore, no stomach internals and NO DIGESTION” but look at me now mom, if it aint Dying I ain’t Buying.

Lots of highschool is a blue of bad decisions and general fuckery. I had a cool AP art history class tho. I don’t remember jack fucking shit, sorry.

And uh… that’s where I am now???

Now I’m actually taking art seriously, and with internet access I can look for tutorials and references no problem. I’ve got a few good art books, but mainly I reccomend one by James Gurney called Light and Color for the Realist Painter. Or whatever, I cannot be assed to google it rn I’ve been typing for like an hour. Maybe two… idek. Also some good youtube chanels, sinix design, sycra, istabrak, bobby chiu and ahmed aldoori, really recommend those for learning!

Anyway I’m more aware of my shortcomings, and working hard to fix them, all while still ejoying doing what I do. Although lately I feel like I’ve gone backwards in quality and launched myself into more stress and difficulty. And I certainly do much less, and finish things less also. I wonder why… :T

UHM I’m not even sure if I answered your question i just kinda went on a tangent oops. Hopefully this is an entertaining read if nothing else?

[icharchivist]

my sister is always in bad mood the morning and it’s important for me to remember that when she comes over. Even if she doesn’t look hostile I… absolutly need to never bring painful subject up.

and I love my fucking family’s ability to always trying to make me doubt anything that ever, ever happened. All of them, all the time, and I’m seriously just???? Did i make up everything? Why do I remember everything soo clearly but they tell me it couldn’t happen I’m…

Okay so she was at a party yesterday, ie why she crashed home tonight. She flirted with a guy, and was disappointed because she felt like he was leading her on. The guy happens to be the big brother of a guy I knew in Primary school. With whom I have very bad memories of.

I was bullied in school and I have vivid memories of it okay. I had a couple of friends, but especially one (P. for short) who happened to be a guy I was really close to and had a very tight friendship with. But apparently it wasn’t heard of a lot that girls and boys would be only friends and we were often bullied about it until he moved out. (for the record, we are still friend to that day and we would both grimace if anyone would say we look cute as a couple). 

That one bully I was talking about took it to the next level and was often holding us down by our arms against our will while we were trying to escape to force us to kiss. It happened multiple times,  I have vivid memories of at least twice, usually we were mostly getting out of it fighting and with pain on our arms because the alarm of the classroom saved our asses.

And this is something both P. and I remembered. We had talked about it before, we both hold a lot of grudge against those people. 

Anyway, my sister was mentioning the guy she liked and I told her “no way” for those reasons, and she told me I was making it up and exagerating.(also she said it couldnt be that bad since P. "was my boyfriend" back then and fuck. off.)

Then she went on on saying that she was baffled because “there’s no way your childhood was that bad I went to the same school as you and it was never that bad” it??? is fucking beyond me. She’s four years older than me so we never were in school at the same time. She was in middle school when I was in primary school, high school when i was in middle school and so on. 

(and even there I have a memory of my very first year of primary school when she was still in it where I came out running to her and hiding behind her because people were mean to me and she was telling me to fuck off because she was with her friends.)

She keeps saying I made it all up while I still remember. I fucking still remember. One of the girl who was bullying me in primary school sent me a mail when I was 14 to apologize for being “such a bitch” (which honestly was welcomed since we ended up in the same clas for three years in high school and she was always awkward around me because of that), I was pushed down, I was mocked, I hated going to school. And it didn’t go better in middle school, while it was mostly emotional isolation at that point, primary was violent, and I was a fucking kid. I still remember the times I called my mom for help but was told already back then that I was making a fuzz. That at some point she had to come herself talk to a girl who was bullying me to tell her to stop, that we had to call her parents for her to actually stop. I. Still. Remember.

My sister keeps going on “People has it worse” retoric and I feel like fucking crying. 

Ye I know. I’ve avoided therapy for years because I always thought “people had it worse”.  And my sister is just all “you need to stop thinking about the past like that it keeps holding you back”??? Well sorry??? I was alone? I had no one? Where was she? It was right after our elder sister ran away from home how do she expect me to be okay with it?? And then in middle school there was the divorse, there were the countless of trials that /I/ had to work with because my sis was already too old to be involved in dad and mom’s little war. I had to move away at the other side of the world when she refused to give any news about her and then reproaching me for “leaving just like our sister” while??? She?? never replied mail on her hand?? 

And she was never here after that, she went on with her life. We came back in the same city as she was living, and we’ve been seeing each others still. Middle school meanwhile was fucking hell. In highschool everything started to get better to me because I met wonderful people, but hey I also ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship while my dad was still an ass. I lost all the few friends I had before high school aside from P., because of my ex isolating and manipulative behavior. (oh and also, since my ex was a girl, when I tried to reach out to my mom about it she told me “you know your sister told me she would be devasted if you were a lesbian” and I don’t even know if it was my mom’s batlant homophobia or really my sister’s and in either case the fact none of them listened to me, so that I almost??? fucked up even bigger than I did back then? Shit I was that close to run away from home and they never knew. They never cared. “You could have had it worse” I fucking always had to deal with my own fucking self to protect all of them and no one was here for me what the fuck.

And I had self destructing tendencies ever since I’m 13, and it went worse as time went by. Especially during and after that failed relationship, I was destroying myself slowly, I fucking showed the scars to my mom, my mom told my dad I was fucking suicidal which lead my dad to make jokes about it up to that day??? He fucking said in a trial that I was mentally unstable???? Because of those tendencies??? it’s on paper???? 

I didn’t make those up. I couldn’t make those up why I would make any of that up??

It’s not like I changed my version of fact after years, unlike some people. My current therapist had said I was showing symptoms of depression since I’m 7 because of the things that happened to me during that time that probably created a huge unballance. I see a therapist nowadays.

And I still have self destructive tendencies that are Hard to work against. A few days ago my suicide idealization almost got out of control and I almost fucked up. I almost gave up.

And??? She dares??? telling me??? “People have it worse” and I’m making everything up??

Like it’s making it any better??? 

Like it’s making me /feel any better/???? 

And I had to remind her that I was suicidal, that I am following therapy right now, and she told me to get over it, that I was making myself suffer like??? Okay??  

I’m still the fucking one in the family who smiles and take care of everyone. I’m still the one who is always cheerful, who burries all the bad emotions, who never let show that I’m not okay. I remember but I always survived. I pride myself into that. That I could have been a hundred time worse. I could have been mean, I could have been hateful, I could have wanted anyone who ever hurt me to suffer. and I did, but I never let it get the best of me. I remember that I suffered. I remember those. 

But I also remember that now I have good friends. Fuck that’s the only reason I’m holding on, because I love my friends and I would never want to hurt them. It’s not for this family that’s for sure. I try to remain cheerful, I focus on things that makes me happy. I honestly do. IT’s always what I have done, i burry what went wrong and I focus on happy things, that’s the only way I can be happy. 

But it won’t change what happened to me, it won’t change that I lost completely control over it all, it won’t change that because of all those things I never expected to live past 18 where my only goal was to finish High school and that now I’m lost, I can barely function. Because up to my 18 the only thing that I was thinking was to try to survive until I got my diploma, that was my only goal, and that now I don’t know what to do anymore. 

But I try. I fucking try. 

And I’m aware there’s worse than me all around. I’m so aware of that and It makes me feel terrible for feeling the way I do. I’m desperate and I know people had it worse than me. 

But going as far as telling me i’m making all that up?? That it couldn’t be that bad? Like I hadn’t lived all of that. And aside from P who can attest for middle school and for my ex since he was there when it all happened, I don’t have any one who was there pre-high school to attest that I’m sane, that I didn’t make all that up. 

I just have me and my meories don’t fucking do that to me I had no one else. 

and then my sister went on crying about how, you see, she herself suffered when her 7years boyfriend left her, and that she survived her heartbreak, like she’s also forgetting he used to hit her and verbally degrate her all while cheating on her? Because I remember. And she’s still cyring over him, not because he hurt her, but because he left her. And now she’s dating a guy who’s friend with him so you understand now she’s having a mental breakdown because she’s going to see her ex by staying with her current bf and it kills her well bouhou?

The worst is that if she hadn’t gone on about how everything I lived was nothing, I would have fell pity for her. I would have tried to cheer her up. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. And she told me to my face that I didn’t care for her anyway, and she started to be mad that I was angry at her, and I had to fake a smile and make it seems like it was all okay, because as usual I know they can’t fucking listen, so I fake being the perfect girl who take care of them because they don’t fucking understand. 

My sister knows I’m having therapy now. My sister knows I am suicidal. My sister had heard what I said about school. But to her I’m making that up or I’m making it all seem worse than it was because “I victimize myself”. And all of that because what? Because I told her I didn’t trust the guy she was flirting with. Fucking fuck.

And while all those memories are there, that they never left, that I never changed my version of fact, I am seriously doubting myself. And I’m scared. I’m scared that what if i made that up and I don’t even realized? Who could attest to me that I’m not going insane, that it all happened? 

She left a few minutes ago and I’ve broken down crying and I’ve never cried that hard in years. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think I don’t even know anymore. 

Once again I’m just left alone with my brain and I fucking want to die.

For a “”””fun””” fact my computer keeps freezing as I’m typing that and I have to keep just turn off the screen and to turn it on again it has to recognize my face and it still recognize me while I’m crying like a fucking moron, technology had gone far my guys.

I need to calm down but for now I think I’ll just try to let go of all this crying because I seriously feel miserable so o/