#i’m so lost ive been so lost
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Wish i knew what i wanted out of life!!!! Wish i knew what direction i should be moving in!!!!!
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high school au copium
#ive been doing poorly these past two weeks thanks for asking#SAVE ME ALNST HS AU…ALNST HS AU SAVE ME#i j KNOW ivan flirts like cady from mean girls#oh no till i’m so lost can you help me 🥺🥺 and then he gets the highest score in the class#what a loser (i would sell my kidney for him)#alien stage#till alien stage#ivan alien stage#alnst#ivantill
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it’s 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man there’s just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes it’s throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so there’s a lot i’m coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said ‘mmmmmm now i have u in my grip’#whatever it’s fine he’s stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesn’t miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence it’s wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this you’re one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says don’t date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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team seven ✌️🖐🙌
[ ID: a half body drawing of naruto, sakura, and sasuke standing on a balcony over looking the hidden leaf village. the stone faces can be seen in the background, as well as various buildings and trees. naruto on the left is drawn with brown skin, light freckles and dimples. he’s smiling widely with his eyes closed and he throws up a peace sign extended towards the viewer. he has a scar on the palm of his hand and his nails are painted orange. he wears a light orange beanie, blue long sleeve shirt, orange sweat pants and orange stud earrings. his body is turned away from the viewer, facing sakura. sakura in the middle is depicted as blasian with darker brown skin. she is smiling softly and has a few moles and scars around her body, and a purple diamond shaped mark on her forehead. she has short coily hair, dyed pink with her roots growing in. she’s drawn with heterochromia. she has one arm by her stomach and the other extends out towards the viewer with her fingers spread, her nails are painted pink. she wears a yellow frilly spaghetti strap top, a yellow skirt and pink earrings with 3 hearts. she has a gold eyebrow and septum piercing. sasuke on the right is pale and has a few scars around his body. he is standing with his arms spread out with a small smile. he’s wearing a black sweater cropped above the chest over a black low cut tank top with the hips cut out. he wears black jeans with a belt and belt buckle with skulls and bones. he has black stud earrings and a silver industrial piercing. END ID. ]
#i’m gonna say it right here rn…….. i love this drawing#soooo much#i find it absolutely adorable its one of my faves rn#if not my absolute fave#also sakura gets her big ass forehead bc the amount of art (anime included 🤨🤨) that draws her w a small forehead….. unacceptable#also just sayin i havent seen shippuden so if the others have diff marks by the time sakura has her purp diamond…… idk deal with it lol#ive been waiting to post this for WEEKS and it hasn’t lost it’s touch ugh i love themm#they’re so cute bein goofy lil friends n shiii#uzumaki naruto#haruno sakura#uchiha sasuke#team seven#team 7#naruto#naruto shippuden#fan art#jitters naruto art#jitters art
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while baekhyun is seriously brainstorming drink ideas, kyungsoo is about to lose focus and propose a consensual workplace relationship 🐧🐶
#baeksoo#baekdo#baekhyun#kyungsoo#exo fanart#exo#kpop fanart#digital art#illustration#art#artist on tumblr#i havent been posting much bc i havent finished any drawings#but trust ive completely lost all my marbles since the beginning of cream soda promos#baeksoo is alive and thriving#I’m not but we make do#i love them so bad
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Pros: for the first time in four incredibly long years, I have my interests back! I can hyper fixate on things again! I can’t believe I’m having my first hyper fixation in FOUR YEARS again!
Cons: why did it have to be monster hunter, a notoriously difficult series of video games, why am I making dinner at 2:30 am.
#moontalk#juno hours#personal#don’t get me wrong I’m so happy to finally have my ability to hyperfixate back#didn’t even realize that’s one of the things I lost bc of this person until I realized#I was hyper fixating on monhun#it’s crazy bc I’m still trying to piece through all the things I lost for four fucking years#getting all these pieces of myself back has been so cool actually#Ive become closer to my coworkers to the point that they’re also my friends now#which is super cool#and it’s been wild finally letting them into my life more and letting people get to know me bc#I’ve been getting to know myself in the process#the person I lost four years ago#I missed me#altho I do need to like not let my hyperfixation overtake my entire life LMFAO#sorry to everyone who’s been patiently listening to monster hunter yapping#I owe you my soul and I love you forever
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College is scary
#idk#just#yeah everything has me nervous#theres so few guidelines and i constantly feel lost#and also i feel like im getting strange looks#and i cant tell what i’m doing wrong#ive been trying to connect over common interests with people and its just not working#and i’d never in a million years want to go home#but i want to go home#vent tag#vent warning#college#college freshman
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i’m trying soooooooo hard to be calm and normal and casual but oh my god i want to scream about pacific rim about chuck hansen i love media i love characters I LOVE SYMBOLISM
#yeah i’m thinking about the dog tags again#the three pilots w dog tags chuck herc and raleigh the latter two always always wear theirs under their shirt. THEYRE ALWAYS VISIBLE BUT#THERES AN ATTEMPT TO CONCEAL THEM . dog tags representing scars omg …… but specifically they’ve both lost people (THEIR BROTHERSSSSSS) in#the rift. they are proud soldiers proud pilots but know part of the deal is having those memories relived every time#THE SHAMEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!#i love pacific rim i love how pathetic and desperate they are. soldiers at the end of the world. knowing its not enough but at least its#something. THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END MR BECKETT WHERE WOULD YOU RATHER DIE … HERE ??? OR IN A JAEGER . gasp. silence. nodding#i might post the salt in the wound chuck edit because i need to dissect it again and again and again#HE WEARS THE DOGTAGS SO PROUDLY . he’s nothing but a caricature of his father#i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE the shot during the hallway fight w the smoke and chucks dogtags its sooooo#i have much more coherent thoughts on this at other times but ive been distracted#pacific rim#pacrim#chuck hansen
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dreamer is everything i wanted and more bye guys i’m deactivating!
#ok so#initial thoughts on the album#growing pains is that delicious rock txt we’ve been waiting for#and we FINALLY got it#like a proper song that indulges in the genre ugh it’s so good mf#chasing that feeling? i rlly like it!! it’s so cool and the instrumental is alone giving me too many ideas#the mv is another discussion.#dreamer.#that’s all ur getting#deep down…? i don’t rlly like the genre much but i appreciate the vocals they sound good (obviously)#happily ever after!!!!!! it’s so good and silly!! fuck!!!!#the vocals are just. exquisite and yummy#SKIPPING STONES. UGH DAY6’S LONG LOST COUSIN WELCOME HOME#ITS SO FUCKING GOOD IVE BEEN ANTICIPATING IT FR#I ALMOST STARTED CRYING EVERYBODY CELEBRATE#BLUE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 SPRING 😭😭😭😭#there was no need to make blue spring even more gut wrenching than it already was.#i could write a whole essay on it and NO i’m not fucking joking!!!!#ok if u guys wanna ask me more abt my thoughts on the album and indulge w me i highly encourage it#this is just the tip of the iceberg#rambles
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#im super fucking stupidly upset#Ive been applying for any and all editing jobs for a year#A YEAR#and all I’ve gotten was nos#I got a couple of freelance gigs but for a whole year that’s so little#I’ve been really questioning my worth as an editor lately#all this to say that I applied for a job I really really want and I’m sure it’s another no coming#based on the experience of the past year#the first interview went to well but all my first interviews seem to go well#and then it’s radio silence#I lost all hope at this point#im considering switching to another career but the thought for starting again without a portfolio or experience is daunting#I’ve never complained about this here#but this is what’s been consuming me since last August#and I haven’t had space in my head for fandom besides when I absolutely don’t want to think about my life#anyway
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We had to put him down this morning. His health was getting too bad and I couldn’t stand the idea of him suffering.
it’s just crazy to think I don’t really have puppy pictures of him because we got him before we even had cell phones. I picked him because all the other puppies had cute little shirts on and when I asked why he didn’t, the guy giving him to us said he was too rowdy and was a wiggly little fighter and I was so charmed by that. He had so much personality and would wake me up at ungodly hours in the morning for our walks. But like, he gave me a reason to get outside and see the sunrise everyday. I hope I took even half as much care of him as he did for me. Love you forever, fuzzy ❤️
#I feel so sad but I’m so grateful to have had this long. 15 almost 16 years is crazy#the grief will be forever but so will the love#animal death#fuzzy#animals#dog#sanchoyorambles#ive known it was coming but I don’t think any amount of time or knowing could really make it hurt less. it’ll just take time#he was safe and I hope he wasn’t scared#I did what I could to make him feel comfortable but it never feels like enough I wish I could’ve done more I wish he could’ve lived forever#I know it’s selfish but I wanted more time with him. I wish I could’ve got him a house with a big fenced in yard.#and always have fed him home cooked meals and spoiled him even more#not just any crusty little white dog. MY beloved crusty little white dog#he got along with cats better than other dogs and used to bark at even the WORD squirrel before he lost his hearing#he was so silly and I’m going to miss him so so much#I wish we could’ve seen a million more sunrises together buddy#it’s so quiet without him I don’t know what to do with myself#making this as an online memorial. but I did make him a shadow box with his collar and leash and paw prints and pictures and his#adoption papers and everything and his grave is going to be marked with a cute engraved thing it’s just not here yet#I’ll never love a dog so much again man I can’t handle this#but I want something online to look back on#I want people to know he was great and I love him and I’ll always love my baby#I’ve been trying to distract myself but god. ow
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#apparently I’m not done being mad about this I’m sorry guys I gotta vent#my dad is like an ox and never sick and like not very understanding with health issues/general illness#which you’d think he would have been after having me the super sickly child with a ton of health issues but no#we have a positive Covid case in the house and I have the same fucking symptoms I just started later#I have taken two tests- one yesterday and one today#and he yelled at me saying I’m wasting tests and also that I’m apparently fine which like#even if I somehow don’t catch covid I’m still sick but okay dad 🫠#if it helps put things into a better perspective… did yall know that back in November after I had my 3rd fucking endometriosis surgery#he asked why I was off work for two weeks and why I didn’t go back the day after surgery?#like I had had this surgery twice before and at home recovery was also two weeks both those times#but moreover like sir I have 3 incisions in my abdomen and my job requires me to left 50lbs???#at which point he still insisted I was fine and was just being ‘dramatic’ 🙃#I wanna fucking scream#I’m lissed the fuck off#did yall know he nearly got me killed once because I had neurovirus and he refused to take me to the er?#I eventually lost consciousness from severe dehydration- he thought I was sleeping and continued to argue with my mom that I was fine 🫠#they eventually took me but I was unconscious for several hours and it took five bags of iv fluid for me to regain consciousness#and the doctor estimated I was about two hours away from death so like#yeah#if that gives yall a better idea of the shit I’m putting up with#I have like zero tolerance for dealing with his bullshit when I’m sick#it’s the trauma from not fucking being believed for years of my life about any of my illnesses#and like also the fucking almost dying part#fun times 🫠#I’m sorry I’m ranting so much today I’m just really fucking done and have no other outlet 🙃
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I PASSED ALL MY CLASSES!!!! with flying colors???? nope but i don’t have to retake any of them and i can live my life this summer with joy and being able to breathe oh my god
#also getting ur wisdom teeth out is a fucky experience#i keep feeling that i’m like okay now i can do things then i look up and ive lost SIX HOURS to dissociating#bc i remembered my teeth have been STOLEN (they gave them back to me)#anyway i want to eat a steak SO BAD.#i didn’t know i love steaks this much im literally dreaming about steak and githeri and peanuts and texas roadhouse rolls#which are very buttery and very good and light and not too sweet like most american things#personal
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i feel so ugly
#i acc hate the way i look n who i am as a person#n i can’t even do anything abt it bc it’s just how i look#ik i shouldn’t care but i feel so lonely and unattractive#i keep trying to stay positive and focus on the ppl around me and making plans w them#but as soon as i’m by myself i just feel so much#sometimes i regret transitioning it hasn’t been a thought i’ve ever rlly thought abt until recently#i feel like being trans makes life so much harder#n i wonder whether i would have had a less lonely life w dating if i just stayed a girl#i wouldn’t have lost all my hair#like the idea sounds awful bc i just don’t view myself tht way and can’t imagine living as a woman#but i do feel like i’m just so less loveable as a nonbinary trans guy#like ive grown to accept i have no hair and won’t even look twink again lol#but i miss being cute ….#n besides the hair like i struggle a lot w dating bc not a lot of guy r into me for being trans#ik there’s trans ppl out there w partners n hav hookups etc tho so maybe it’s just me#i just feel like there’s something abt me tht must repulse ppl or turn them off#i rlly thought i was doing a lot better within myself like i was liking the way i looked even w the badly and head tatt like i felt#like maybe i was attractive but i just feel like i’m back to square one feeling like this goblin#journal
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I can’t believe I picked up ANOTHER cold😭 I just had one not even two weeks ago!! I’m gonna revolt!!!
#and this one feels like a chest cold😭#I guess it’s to be expected… we didn’t have time to get sick during March because of… sad things#so here I am building it up again#UGH. I’m so over the cough and it’s only been two days.#AND IVE LOST MY VOICE😭 WHEN I HAVE WORK!!! IN A HEALTH FOOD STORE🥴#colds suck#personal
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forever wishing sam fender would unrelease dead boys
#it’s like the moment I get a glimmer of hope for my hometown it reminds me of how awful it is#I feel like I’m screaming underwater at people like there’s something actually insidious about that town#and I’ve BEEN saying it and it keeps getting written off as youthful angst#bc of COURSE you hate your hometown! everyone hates their hometown!#but now I’m going to another funeral for a boy in my year and it’s another suicide and I don’t even know him#i havent seen him since primary school I have no right to be so upset by this#but I’m just trawling his ig bc he looks the same#he looks the exact same and he hung himself. he was twenty#and ofc he’s connected to my family bc everyone is in that fucking town hes like a v distant cousin#so we know the news first like so many of his friends are out having a nice night rn#and I’m here with this knowledge despite not knowing him. like tomorrow someone is going to find out their best mate killed himself#the police are literally still at his house and my mum is telling me she loves me because it’s ALWAYS the boys in my year group#like off the top of my head alone bc i KNOW it’s more ive already lost six boys in my year and I’m 20#how many kids have to die before my hometown stops being such a shithole#sorry for the vent post i dont even know why this has gutted me so much#maybe bc the only memory i have of this boy is between the ages of 5-11 so I literally ONLY know him as a child#like he was so happy I can only remember him smiling and just. what went so wrong after that? he had spiky hair and gap teeth#and now I’ve been told that he hung himself and I just#god. i don’t even know anymore#I’ll never forgive that town#hella goes home
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