#i’m poc and i have adhd and seeing the way people have talked about recent events has made me want to die just slightly

[nosesinroses]

Ableism regarding recent events

Just a reminder that if you're gonna post your 50 paragraphs of dream crit to not conclude everything with "god dream please go see a therapist”, especially in that demeaning way i have seen most recently :) ) aswell as making other comments regarding his mental state and questioning his mental stability.

It doesn't matter if your intentions aren't that, but it comes off as degrading as hell, as if any of you are in position to be making comments on this

Also in addition to that, maybe some don't realize this, but relating his adhd to manipulative and scheming behavior is NOT the big brain idea some of you think it is. I've genuinely seen people try to make the connection between his adhd and a likelyhood of being insincere and manipulative.

No you didn't crack the case wide open.

You're being ableist.

It’s good many people want to discuss recent events but you can do so without being invasive as hell and calling his mental stability into question. Please stop, and check if you aren’t just subconsciously equating nd to evil cartoon villain behavior.

[twiceblackvelvet]

hi! this may seem out of place with what you would usually see me posting here but i wanted to discuss adhd today!

recently, a content creator from tiktok has been “exposed” let’s say for a second time after they previously used racist slurs and promised their 11.7 million followers to begin collaborating with poc. however, they have not done so (no one is shocked).

after having been exposed, that creator tried desperately to defend their behaviour including using micro-aggressions and by blaming it on their adhd. so i would just like to talk about adhd briefly and how it made me feel as someone who is diagnosed with adhd.

tw // mentions of substance abuse

so first of all, what is adhd?

adhd stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, though more recently add (attention deficit disorder) has been placed under the same banner as adhd. however, the two things are different and not everyone is comfortable with it being called adhd as some don’t relate to the hyperactivity part. it is completely up to the person what they wish to use. i personally use adhd! it is a neurodevelopmental disorder placing it on the neurodiversity spectrum.

adhd is difficult to receive a diagnosis for, is often misunderstood and is oversimplified a lot of the time. there are many cases of people only receiving their diagnosis once they reach adulthood.

what are the signs of adhd? (i’m not personally comfortable with the word s*mptoms).

inattentiveness, hyperactivity & impulsiveness is probably the easiest way to sum it up. however, some people may only struggle with one of those things as opposed to all of them combined.

i personally deal with the combined version of adhd. i will have random bursts of hyperactivity that aren’t common but when they hit... they hit. i was ruled disruptive as a kid and many other such things that people just didn’t understand for whatever reason.

i struggle most with inattentiveness, people often times have to repeat conversations with me because i tend to forget. or i will struggle to recall what others would deem basic information like people’s names, especially if i haven’t spoke to them in a long time. i sometimes refer to this as “out of sight out of mind”.

lastly, impulsive thoughts happen quite regularly and are made worse if i fixate on them or if i’m around people who encourage said thoughts, i will sometimes not realise i’m being harmful toward myself or in a dangerous situation.

fidgeting, excessive talking, impatience, interrupting conversations without realising, having little to no sense of danger, constantly changing activity, inability to listen to or understand directions, being unable to stick to tedious or time consuming tasks, acting without thinking first, being generally worn out or bored from doing very little, fixating on something for long periods of time, general forgetfulness and many other things are a part of adhd.

how can adhd affect you in the long run?

adhd when undiagnosed can lead to people failing in their education, stress within their family home if they refuse to understand, difficulty in relationships, and could lead to other more dangerous problems such as substance abuse or accidental injuring yourself due to the lack of recognising danger.

some of these i have had personal experience in, however, if any of you plan on asking me questions in relation to this, please trigger warn anything relating to substance abuse for me. thank you.

so why is this being used as an excuse?

the context given with this ongoing drama is that the person claimed to have “forgot” about emails and such from potential collaborators. while that is relatable to me, i oftentimes will just forget to carry on a conversation with people. however, if i’m reminded just once somehow i will do so. so, someone with a platform that huge with people constantly asking them about it doesn’t feel right to me. plus the people wanting to collaborate with them reached out multiple times not just once.

the use of micro-aggressions was also blamed on adhd/being generally frustrated and while yes some situations are incredibly overwhelming and may be frustrating beyond how someone who isn’t neurodivergent may find it, that is never an excuse for someone to target poc with said micro-aggressions in response to criticism.

so finally. while yes, you can let people know “hey, i have adhd, i might not respond to you how you’re used to or how others might” or what have you or have open conversations about adhd to help those around you better understand you, that will never be a reason or excuse for you to be a racist, or bigoted in any way. because there is never an excuse for that.

if any of you have any questions, i’d be more than willing to answer them for you. or you can check out these resources right here:

adhdedu • meetadhd • neurodiverse

[avenger-hawk]

Hey hawk, did you observe a pattern among people who participate in Woke-ism culture, they seem to have similar "traits" and "personality"? Dislike the "straight" orientation (usually identify themselves as gay/lesbian/bi and brags they are LGBT every second), they seem to think gender identity is a personality trait etc therefore "I'm holier than thou because I list myself as she/he/they/it". I bet they are gonna scream at me for being whatever "phobic" just because of this post lol

*clears throat* yeah they gonna scream at you but they can’t scream at me because it’s been a year that I am in an lgbt relationship soooo xD

Ofc I noticed this kind of behavior, these woke ppl really like be ‘different’ and tbh the thing I find more irritating is when they define themselves ‘autistic’ or ‘asperger’ or ‘adhd’ whathever other mental illness/condition, because these are serious things that should be diagnosed by a specialist and not an online tests, and usually ppl who have a real problem are not so incredibly vocal about it. Sure they don’t brag with it....”but I don’t have money to take a test and my parents don’t let me!” they say? yeah. could be. but it also could be that you just wanna look special and since you’re socially anxious or shy or just a b*tch, you like to play rude and then justify yourself with those labels, and if someone dares tell you you’re a piece of shit you can call them ableist lol

Same for race or country. Not taking anything away from populations/countries/cultures/religions that have been oppressed, but sometimes I cringe cause some ppl try so hard to fit in this. Like, at some point 99% of populations were invaded by others and oppressed, and I’m sorry for welsh ppl, to just name one (no offense it’s the first that came to my mind cause I read a post recently lol) but if this continues we’re gonna have to seek justice for the victims of the vikings’ raids lolol

Anyway, back to what you were saying. I partly get that lgbt ppl are vocal about what they are bc maybe they can’t tell their families or friends, and they use social media as outlets. but like you said, your personality is not defined by who you f*ck and/or love (It’s not even defined by the fiction you like, actually, but they think so). So while I understand ppl describe themselves in their profile and specify their gender identity and sexuality, for me it’s cringey when they take it too far. Like when they start with all the labels ever, or they make combinations...demisexual panromantic/asexual demiromantic/trans nonbinary aroace spectrum...sounds like a competition of who’s less ordinary. Bonus points if they also add race and illness. Bonus points if they pretend they’re experts and activist and they shit on ppl who ship something or speak of top/bottom bc they’re fetishizing gay mlm/wlw and how dare they, dirty cishets (cause Anon, straight is a too banal word lol).

(also...not to offend ‘aroace’ ppl out there but...when someone is like 12...couldn’t it be that they’re just...too young for caring about sex/love? asking for a friend lolol)

I mean, tumblr has a lot of lgbt ppl and it’s cool, and I know it’s hard to live as an lgbt person cause you can’t do what het ppl do normally, like kissing in public or holding hands or writing cute posts on fb bc someone might bitch or be even worse, so this creates a bitterness and aggressiveness on social media I guess, especially here where minorities are the majority lol. And I too, on my personal blog, occasionally ranted about things like internalized homophobia and queerbaiting, but only very rarely lol and no one paid attention to me, guess I am not lgbt enough hahahah

But, it’s stupid to use sexuality labels as a shield to shit on ppl and then call them --phobic when they react. It actually happened to me a couple of years ago, I wrote something about bottom Sasuke and this self defined aromantic+asexual+autistic+gay american dude attacked me for fetishizing gays. Back then I was in a relationship with a guy so for him I was only a boring straight person I guess, a gross fujoshi who dared like mlm haha. fuck him. If I were the same type of person as him I would have pulled the oppressed card, I could have attacked him reminding him that his country treated italian immigrants like animals, and that they had this veeeery big problem of being unsure about our ‘race’ so in their papers they often wrote ? cause they couldn’t understand if we were poc or not...but it would have been kinda off topic and I cartainly don’t waste time talking about me to ppl I don’t even trust to be what they say.

Also because I was raised by parents who were very politically involved, so I remember them doing activism, like, getting out of the house, going to protests, doing volunteering, even taking me along when I was little. So even tho now everything happens online first, and even tho posts can spread awareness and change ppl’s minds, I still don’t trust when I see those blogs full of angry woke activism, because they seem fake and even those ppl seem fake. It’s easy to scream for justice from a keyboard, in a comfortable house. It’s less easy to protest in the cold, risking to have problems with the police, the government, the pandemic, whatever else.

It’s irritating that wokies want to take the right to like smth in the right way or whatever, telling everyone else who don’t fit in the minority group that they can’t like the thing. Idk, I just wish ppl were like in Eastern Asian fandoms, not making everything about themselves, being open minded enough for whatever ‘different’ thing whether they are into it or not, and if they’re not ignoring it only.

And I do get wanting to fit the minority, as a teenager I was veery punk/gothic, depending on the moment, and I never fit in the majority opinions or habits anyway. And I was kind of fluid with my identity and sexuality, but silly me, I kept it for myself, even tho I discussed with those who insulted lgbt ppl and I wrote stuff where everyone is bisexual by default, thinking that it was how people were born before society conditioned them...I could have bragged but I had no idea about ‘fluid’ or ‘pan’, silly me.

I am so irritated at everything, like the words they use, even the english language that is not mine, is getting on my nerves because it’s the vehicle for their crap, but these periodically trending words are disgusting like these ppl to me.

I migth have gone out of topic again lol.

[imagination-xx]

Rules: Answer ten questions and then tag some friends and fellow writeblrs and ask ten questions

Thank you so much to @abbie-writes for tagging me (my first writeblr tag game yay!)

1. What is your favorite WIP that you have written so far?

My favorite is hands-down Rise Without Fear. It was the first WIP that I could truly see as a published novel. The more I do research and write it, the more in love I fall with it and I can’t wait to share it with all of you!

2. Who is your favorite OC? Why?

My favorite OC is either Brooklynn (RWF) or Everett (The Zodiac Experiment), Brooklynn because she is such a kickass female. She’s also a POC (because so am I) so I feel that readers who are POC will also really love her, with all of her strengths and weaknesses. And Everett, he’s almost indescribable (and not just because I haven’t talked about TZE yet) but he’s genuinely such a unique and funny character and I love writing him.

3. What’s your least favorite thing to write? Why?

If we’re talking genre, FANTASY! There’s a lot of world-building that goes into a fantasy story and I admire anyone who can bear it. As someone who doesn’t do a lot of planning before I start writing, I feel like if I ever tried to start a fantasy novel, I would never end up following through. (I say all of this now but if you ever see a fantasy WIP on my blog, just let me go lol).

4. Copy and paste a line from your most recent WIP out of context.

“Well, I’ll be the first to say it,” Walker started when Alec and I emerged from the bedroom, “you look pretty awful, my friend.”

- Rise Without Fear :)

5. What was your biggest inspiration to start writing?

I had a lot of huge inspirations to start writing. I’ve always been a reader, starting way back with I was taking Curious George books with me to recess in elementary school (gosh, what a loser), so books were always apart of me. Then in second grade, our teacher taught us about writing and I was hooked. From then on, I was always writing (I was an advanced child and I would get so bored in my classes because I would be done earlier so I would pull out a pencil and get to writing). Then I read stories on Wattpad (one direction fanfictions to be exact) and I wrote my own and it just felt right. 

6. Are there any activities that you do that help writer’s block? i.e. showering, exercising, sleeping?

Listening to certain genres of music can help inspire me (love songs for romantic scenes, my workout playlist for action scenes, etc.). Showering is also something that I’ve tried that actually works (because I get my best ideas when I’m not around anything that I can use to write them down).

7. What would be your message to someone who wants to start writing, but is scared to?

Write for yourself, first and foremost. Write something that you would be interested in reading. Screw what anyone else thinks, this is all for you, by you. Secondly, go follow some writing meme accounts on Instagram. As crazy as that sounds, looking at other people who are making jokes about how they feel about writing makes you feel so much more comfortable (and also it makes you want to be able to relate). Third, start small. Write a shitty fanfiction about your favorite musicians or YouTubers or a book you read. Write a short story from a prompt. Do something to make you comfortable with writing. 

8. Have you ever taken any writing courses/lessons? Did they help?

Besides that one class that I mentioned from second grade that I don’t even remember, I have not. However, I would like to someday.

9. Before you write, do you outline? Or do you just go for it?

The day you catch me outlining before I write a story, I’ve officially lost my mind. Not saying those who outline are crazy, I just have really bad ADHD and thinking things through rather than just getting it over with just goes against everything that my three brain cells believe in. Maybe one day, just not today.

10. What part of a story do you find most difficult to write? i.e. climax, conclusion, etc.?

Introductions are so HARD! I always wonder how much information to give about everything without overbearing the reader but while still making them interested enough to keep reading. It’s a work in progress, which is why my first 5 chapters are still under extreme construction.

My questions!

1. Do you have a go-to writing playlist?

2. Are you a planner, panster, or a planster?

3. What’s your favorite writing trope? Why?

4. Have you ever beta read for another writer? How was it?

5. What stage are you in with your current wip? (i.e. outlining, drafting, revising)

6. What’s your favorite genre to write? Why?

7. What are your thoughts on poetry?

8. What’s your favorite part about your current wip?

9. What’s the word count of your current wip?

10. Where’s your favorite place to write?

THE TAGGED :)

@emdrabbles @vviciously @tsaikovs

[cavesalamander]

Do you have any queer book recs? Preferably not the kind where it's like a coming out book or a Queer Struggle™?

Thanks for the ask!

Honestly I don’t go seeking out a lot of queer books for just that reason - also because being ace and mostly aro, I tend to go for heavy world building and action/adventure, with romance being mostly incidental, if there at all. Also series that last a while and let me know the characters really well.

I also don’t tend to read books that aren’t already at least somewhat popular, so if you want more indie queer book recs, please go check out https://twitter.com/tatehallaway this badass lady on the twitters. I haven’t read any of her books (yet, entirely because I haven’t read anything longer than a couple thousand words in way too long) but I met her at World Con where she hosted a panel on diversity in fiction. She’s a queer writer and is super approachable and friendly. I’m sure she’d be able to point you in the right direction, if not rec some of her own books!

I also would totally recommend checking out Mark Oshiro who recently wrote and got his own book published!! I’m super excited for him, and I’m gonna buy it at some point. His reviews of books are really entertaining too, and he gets pretty autobiographical during them. His fans often recommend queer books and TV shows to him too - so then you get to watch him cry when he realizes that this character that he fell in love with is SURPRISE GAY and he’s so happy he can’t with the emotions. (He’s also a total sweetheart in person holy crap. I got to talk to him at World Con too.)

There’s also TritonYA, which is a publishing house that is working on publishing queer YA genre fiction. I haven’t read any of the 3 books they posted so far because I don’t have the f o c u s these days, and none of them really caught my interest from the summary.

As for books I’VE read... (Apologies that these are like all from cis straight authors afaik, they’re just the ones who I read/ started reading 10+ years ago when I used to read all the time... and back then there just wasn’t the visibility of queer authors, and I didn’t go searching for particular books. I just don’t read very much anymore aaahhh!)

The Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce is FANTASTIC. It’s very much romance light - very heavy on the friendship and bonds between the four main characters. But one of the four MCs is lesbian, and there are other queer secondary characters. One of the other girls reads to me as ace/aro too, but that hasn’t been confirmed. (And like 99% of the time my hopes are dashed, but I can see Pierce actually writing an ace character who stays ace.)

Keep in mind that when the series starts they’re like 10, so romance doesn’t come into play until the later books when they’re 16, which is when one of the characters realizes she’s into girls and not boys.

The series is so good too. Pierce’s world building is so good always. She’s like my fuckin idol when it comes to how she does it. The lesbian chara’s character arc about realizing she’s into girls is handled pretty well IMO - the world as a whole isn’t homophobic, so the struggle is mild and mostly self discovery. And the romance is centered around the political struggles happening at the time - is the girl she likes flirting back bc REAL FEELINGS or bc SNEAKY POLITICS!? And SHOULD SHE STAY OR SHOULD SHE GO. Which, given the story as a whole, (and her other writings) this is pretty much in line with how a het romance would be treated.

Trials of Apollo and the Magnus Chase series by Rick Riordan are pretty good too. I don’t like Riordan’s worldbuilding like I love Pierce’s, and he’s writing as a cis straight man but his books are still a lot of fun. There’s a gay kid who gets a couple of POV chapters in an earlier series, (Percy Jackson) but he’s got a lot more of The Struggle going on in his story. (Kinda understandable considering he was born in the 30s, but still.)

Trials follows, well, Apollo who is unapollogetically bi because that’s canon greek myth. (Incidentally, one of his kids is dating the Struggle boy from before and they are very cute together, if a fairly background relationship). Apollo is also totally full of himself and hilarious, and his trials are of course gonna be about how he has to eat a big fuckin slice of humble pie because that’s how grecian trials work. Only like one or two books are out so far, but it looks like it’s gonna be a lot of fun!

Magnus Chase is about a guy who dies and gets sent to Valhalla and becomes a demigod basically. In the second book, a third MC is introduced who is genderfluid/bigender, and by the end of it, Magnus is kinda crushing on her so, that’s cool! I’m not sure yet how it’s gonna be played, since Magnus so far seems to be striaght, and sometimes his love interest is a boy... but I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to be addressed.

Riordan’s a cis straight white dude but he’s definitely done his research. Some of the bits come off kinda “here’s my research laid out” but he started his first series with the goal of, “I want my son to see heroes who are like him. Heroes with ADHD and dyslexia.” And now he’s like “I have fans who are poc, and fans who are queer, and I want them to see themselves too.” And his stories are fun. Which is the important part, in my opinion!

Gunnerkrigg Court by Tom Siddell is actually a webcomic, not a novel, but the MC is most likely aro/ace, and her best friend is bi, who currently is in a relationship with another girl - and there’s at least two other queer couples in the story... and strong hints that one of the characters is a trans girl, and another that used to be a female rabbit but is now a male human, gender unknown as of yet. They didn’t seem particularly bothered by the change though.

It’s also a book about robots and magic and birds and ROBOTS and family legacy and friendship and love and R O B O T S!!! Listen it’s just REALLY GOOD OKAY? Please read it. Please please please!!

The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Johnathan Stroud is one of my all time favorite book series, though it’s the least explicitly queer. There’s no romance in it whatsoever, and the human MC reads to me as aro/ace. (The one time he feels something resembling sexual attraction, he realizes almost instantly that something is Wrong and that he was put under a spell. Lmao...) Human MC is also a ginormous fucking shitlord but I love him a lot, and compared to all the other shitlords in the series, he’s actually pretty moral.

Demon MC is also a shitlord, and somehow works as human MC’s moral compass. Also he’s hilarious. And okay, so... when I was younger, I never really read into anything. But demon MC has this boy from his past who he absolutely loves a lot. You can choose to read it whichever way you want, but it’s a very deep and strong love. QP is likely though unintentional hahaa! Very important... I really need to read the prequel book to see more into how the relationship developed...

A girl is introduced as an MC in the second? and third book. She’s Very Good and also not a love interest. Like it’s way easier to read into a romance between the demon and the boy from his past than it is to read into girl MC and boy MC.

Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner This one I actually got on rec from the librarian I asked for queer books. It’s an older book, like from the 80s and this one I’m pretty sure the author IDs as bi, so hey that’s at least one rec from a queer author. The book is just set in a fantasy world where sexuality is like WHATEVER! and everyone fights with swords and honor and the MC and everyone else are all total fucking pricks but also bisexual.

It’s the most adult and romancy book out of all of them, but the love scenes aren’t explicit or anything. Definitely a recommended read if you wanna see some earlier rep. The copy of the book I got from the library had a recommendation by GRRM on the cover - one that I think predated his rise to fame. You can definitely see why he’d like it. There’s lots of political drama, affairs, murder, swords, etc.

People die, and I don’t necessarily want to spoil you on if the MC or the MC’s love interest dies unless you want me to (You’re welcome to ask!), but it IS a romance, and it’s not centered around The Struggle at all, and I don’t think it counts as Bury Your Gays if EVERYONE is queer!

So that’s what I have off the top of my head. I only counted MAIN characters in this, none of that “someone was gay once in the background see? representation!!!” crap. And like I said, it’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and read anything in earnest. The Swordspoint book was the only one I found while I was actively looking for queer books, the rest is just happy happenstance!

Let me know if you have any questions, and feel free to reblog!

[fionawesome]

A world that wants me dead

I live in a world that wants me dead.

I didn't realise it until recently.

Until about a month ago I was naive enough to think that, because I'm not properly disabled, the world had spared me the ordeal of a life marred with death, just because I'm not useful to society. For some reason I thought that because I was managing well enough or because I'm not physically disabled that I was spared the horror of living as a disabled person in a world built for non-disabled people.

My earliest memories are of feeling different and at the age of 7 or 8 I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia, a form of developmental coordination disorder that affects motor control, coordination, memory, perception and processing.

When I was 20, The Tories (along with the Lib Dems) got into power in the UK and quite soon after they started doing their best to make life for the rich, easier, and life for the poor harder. It started with small things that could be reasoned away but after a few years their disregard for anyone who wasn't born with a silver spoon up their asses was more blatant than ever before and it wasn't long before a large proportion of the population were vocally riling against the government in a way unprecedented since they tyrannical rule of Thatcher in the 80's.

One of the first things that they started with was the dismantling of the glorious institution of the NHS. It started by underfunding services and then bringing in outside contractors as a way to deal with the difficulties faced by a health system that's crumbling and falling. It then continued with an attempt to stretch doctors so thin that medical care failed at the point of service so that, once again the services could be sold off to the highest bidder, and so that the suffering of the poorest in society could be justified in the eyes of those either, easily misled by the media, or those used to closing their eyes and sticking heads in the sands.

A while later, this assault on the poorest and most vulnerable in our society continued by making the conditions of that society so unbearable as to either force many people to commit suicide or to cause people to die after being declared "fit for work". The longer that this continued (and indeed, as it  still continues), the more blatant it became that this was an outright attack on those most in need of help and the larger the divide seemed to get between those who are classified as "disabled" (and therefore of no use to society) and those who are considered able to "function" within society (and thus, not disabled; no matter how many difficulties they).

It was around this time that I started to become increasingly frustrated with the way that society was drastically devaluing disabled people and my compassion for those who I saw as having it worse off than myself, was increased tenfold. Of course, all of this took place from inside my ivory tower of university life, reasonable accommodations and disability supremacy.

A returning theme in my life is one of self-hatred, caused by the self-doubt instilled in me by an educational system that would not deign to change itself, lest it make my life easier, or my education more worthwhile but I still held inside of me some supremacy when it came to the dichotomy between disabled and not disabled. I didn't engage in the wider disabled community because because I didn't see myself as being disabled enough to face difficulties on the same size/scale as those faced by people with physical disabilities. This was pure ignorance on my part, and I will never attempt to explain away or excuse my views at this point in my life because it shows a complete lack of understanding about disability and throws a fair few people (myself included) under the bus. I'm including it here to highlight how people outside of the disabled community can think about disability, and also to highlight the way in which, at one point, I disregarded the onslaught towards disabled people, purely because it didn't affect me personally.

After I graduated from university I sought out help for the all pervasive feelings of inattentiveness, and attention based difficulties and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 23.

I eventually began to see how my Dyspraxia and ADHD were causing me issues within my life and how the world outside of student life was vastly effected by my inability to adhere to neurotypical standards of "functioning". This was so much so, that after a few failed attempts at employment  the DWP suggested that I seek help from the charity Scope. It was through this that I saw my disorganisation, inattentiveness, and general lack of knowledge about the world, catch up with me at full speed, and it was through this that I finally realised that I needed more help with my life than I was willing to admit.

Flash forward a few years and at 27 I am currently experiencing autistic burnout.

After my partner broached the topic of me fitting the diagnostic criteria for autism, and after a few years of self-examination and self-discovery, 6 months ago I started self-diagnosing as autistic.

It was around this time that I started to feel my whole world fall apart.

I've asked myself so many times whether this is all related to my realising that I'm autistic, or whether it's all just some cosmic coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence that's for sure, so mostly my answer has landed on "shit I'm autistic, I should probably be autistic". Of course this is an over-simplification and implies that I had any choice in the matter which is simply untrue, but I can't help but feel like on some level, once I realised I was autistic I became more autistic on purpose. This probably isn't the case and there's plenty of anecdata to suggest that it's a natural progression in the life-cycle of diagnosis for an autistic person (self or professional).

The point is, that I started to feel as if my whole life was falling apart. I could no longer organise myself as easily as I was once able, I was finding social interactions increasingly difficult and I was finding the world of employment to be filled with sensory, emotional, and cognitive challenges on a daily basis. There was a period of about a month where this got so bad that every time I woke up I was (with barely any sensory input), overwhelmed by everything and was forced to either sit in bed on the verge of tears, or fall back asleep in the hope that facing the world might be easier after a nap. It was during this time that I eventually created a set of "communication cards" to allow me to help myself communicate effectively during moments of distress or overload, in the hope that I could regain some kind of "control" over my life and my descent into "burnout".

Whilst this form of alternative communication has proven very useful for me and has helped me on countless occasions, it did nothing to slow my descent into burnout. That, it seems, was inevitable.

It is in the depth of this burnout that I realised a few key things.

The first is that I need to figure out better ways of taking care of myself. My current strategy of burying my head in the sand and hoping that things will get better on their own is damaging not only my mental health but also (at times) my physical health. This is something that I can do something about and it is something with measurable outcomes that allows me to attempt to improve my life, or at the very least navigate the difficulties that I face on a daily basis.

The second is that I live in a world that wants me dead.

It's taken me a long time to come to this realisation but it is undoubtedly true.

I see this now.

I live in a world that constantly devalues my existence, that insists that I adhere to neurotypical standards of "functioning" and of "productivity". I live in a world that will NOT under any circumstance change the rules because my brain cannot follow the rules already set in place. I live in a world that will throw me to one side and close their eyes to my daily struggle, just because it's not their problem. I live in a world that drives compassionate people into media-driven malevolence, towards those who need some help. I live in a world where I do not ask for help on a daily basis because I know that there's not much chance it will make any difference.

I recently wrote a long post about how I struggle with incontinence and after seeing various doctors, multiple times I have given up on ever finding out why it's an issue, and just resorted to "navigating" the issue myself.

I did have a referral for an ultrasound on my bladder but I missed it because I had a last minute, emergency, appointment with the out of hours GP at 5am that same day, because I had misplaced a whole box of my anti-depressant medication a few days earlier and was feeling an significant decrease in my mood.

I can almost hear the replies already.

"It's not up to the NHS or the government or anyone to help organise yourself."

"You could quite easily just get re-referred for the ultrasound."

I could write more but I'm too tired of this kind of shit to be bothered.

There's been plenty of proof that survival of the fittest is a lazy concept invented by dominant (white, cis, straight, middle class) people to justify their treatment of the subservient (working class, disabled, queer, POC), and I'm not going to justify that kind of attitude with a counter argument other than to say; get your fucking act together and pull your heads out of your arses before I forcibly do so myself.

I have "severe" problems with;

Attention

Organisation

Social interactions

Talking to people

Memory

Planning things in advance

Losing things

Following instructions

Sitting still

Changes in routine

Understanding social rules

The list could go on.

Why don't you try re-arranging a referral to a specialist, whilst facing these difficulties? You probably wouldn't fucking do it, let alone manage to get the second referral.

I have these problems not because I'm lazy and not because I don't try to overcome them, but because my brain works in such a way that I find these things difficult.

I did not choose this. I do not enjoy having these difficulties. I do not have these difficulties because I don't try  to overcome them.

I face these difficulties on a daily basis because this is the way my brain works.

I have no control over the fact that I find these things difficult, just like I have no control over my eye colour, or my height.

To ostracise a whole section of society and to force a great number of them to commit suicide, or be forcibly killed by unfair and unsafe assessments to their health, JUST BECAUSE of something they cannot control, (be it neurological or physical differences), is vile, heinous, and makes it very blatantly clear that although society believes the genocide of people (based on their differences) is consigned to our history, it is very much a part of our present.

I live in a world that wants me dead.

I live in a world that wants me dead and most people wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I LIVE IN A WORLD THAT WANTS ME DEAD BUT FUCK THAT SHIT I AIN'T DONE RAISING HELL JUST YET.

If you're not angry, then follow these steps;

Take your left hand.

Hold onto your right wrist.

Punch yourself in the face a few times.

See how it feels to beaten by someone who's supposed to be helping you.

Cry

With Anger

The Finnarchist/FionAwesome

Cross posted from my other blog: https://unremarkablethings.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/a-world-that-wants-me-dead/

[briinstardust]

Research: Mental health issues and POC

Hi everyone, my name is Brianna I am in my twenties, and I am a university student. My concentration is design, I'm an art major, and right now I'm studying posters and social justice/ social movements.

The topic I chose for this project is mental health, specifically how mental health is different for people of color. There's been a lot of recent attention around mental health issues in the media, and a lot of self-care movements going around, which I think is great, but I also notice that people of color seem to feel excluded by these campaigns.

As a person of color, with a mental illness, I'd like to ask why this is. Why do these campaigns seem to only get their messages across to white people? I'm asking why white people seem to see these campaigns and understand and seek help. It seems to me that mental health issues have come to light more prevalently today, but it also seems to me that people of color are not talking about our mental health issues the same way white people are. Therapy and medication for mental health issues used to have a big stigma around them, but with campaigns like "Break the stigma" people are more willing to talk about mental health issues that they are having. While all of this is happening, and it's great that people are talking, I feel like people of color are still under a stigma, of not being able to talk about their mental health issues, and I want to know why this is. The purpose of my project is to choose a social issue and bring light to it. I've chosen to propose the question why people of color still feel shame about their mental illnesses, and why is it so hard for us to ask for help. My outcome of this project will be to design a poster using 2 ink colors plus paper color, and bring my issue, the stigma of mental illness and people of color, to light and hopefully get us, people of color to talk about our mental health issues and know and understand that there is no shame. If white people can talk about their mental health issues and not be shamed then we, people of color should be able to as well.

This is my second round of research for this project, and after what I learned during my first round of research we need to talk about this guys! I want to thank you for reading this far, and if you do choose to help me with this research, I want to thank you again even further. Underneath the cut is the research that prompted me to start looking into this topic and information on how you can help me if you are willing to share a little bit. Thank you so much!

here is a link to my survey if you would like to participate, there will also be a second link down below for those of you who choose to read the rest of this really long post. https://goo.gl/forms/Rh0yzLU3QbWzzGQ33

This is some of the research that I found in my first round of research, and these numbers were unsettling, to say the least. I have provided links to the research as well. If you're interested, please take a look for yourselves.

Mental Illness affects 8.9 Million Latinx people.

Only 10% of mentally ill Latinx people seek help.

African American people are 20% more likely to develop a mental illness than their white counterparts.

2.2 Million Asian Americans, and Pacific Islanders live with mental illness every day.

Over 21% of American indigenous people have been diagnosed with a mental illness.

LGBTQIA+ people are 3 times more likely to be diagnosed with a mental illness.

40% of Transgender people have attempted suicide at least once in their lifetime.

https://www.bustle.com/p/people-of-color-mental-illness-photo-project-tells-the-mental-health-stories-that-arent-being-told-enough-7968876

The word depression doesn’t exist in some cultures around the world. These places see suicides skyrocket against those cultures who acknowledge the illness.

https://www-tc.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/depression/pdf/dep_color.pdf

https://www.minorityhealth.hhs.gov/

African American make up 13 % of the US population.

40% of America’s homeless population is African American.

Black people make up about 1 million of the 2.3 million incarcerated.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/its-time-to-address-mental-health-in-the-black-community_us_591a0f64e4b086d2d0d8d1dd

African American mental health physicians make up less than 2 % of the APA

85% of African American’s consider themselves fairly religious and choose this as a method to cope with their illness.

1/3 of African American’s seeking treatment for mental health issues were labeled “Crazy” by peers.

A quarter of those surveyed felt they could not talk to their family members about it.

https://mic.com/articles/113030/6-actual-facts-show-why-mental-health-is-an-issue-in-the-black-community#.ad7RgnfLt

https://www.self.com/story/racism-mental-health-in-the-black-community

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2017/11/07/the-number-of-african-americans-kids-who-die-by-suicide-has-doubled-this-emmy-winning-producer-has-an-idea-to-help-fix-the-problem/?utm_term=.595fdd64558d

 Now I'm asking for your help, if you would like to help me in my research I would be eternally grateful. You can send me a private message, reply to this post, send me an ask, anonymous or not. With the following information. NONE of this information is going to be shared guys, this is just research, it will NOT be published in any way shape or form. And I, of course, will request your permission if I find what you have to say especially compelling. Nothing will be published without anyone's permission, I promise you that.

Your name: (you can also request not to state your name)

How you Identify racially: (mixed race- if so please specify. Black/ African American, Latinx, so on and so forth)

Your mental health issues: (your diagnosis, depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD)

How your illness affects your daily life: (if your illness is physically keeping you from doing things, if you are, or have been suicidal.)

Are you religious: (do you practice religion, go to church, or identify with a religion, and does this affect the way you look at your illness.)

Your reason(s) for getting help, or for not getting help: (do you see a therapist or psychiatrist)

Are you medicated: (have you been prescribed medication for your mental health illness. Or do you self-medicate, if so please explain a little bit. And guys I'm not asking for names of drugs, just a simple yes or no, you can disclose as many details as you are comfortable with. But if you do self-medicate I’m asking how you do so. Again, NONE of this will be shared with anyone. You're simply helping me gather research and information for my school project.)

What's your favorite color: (let me know if your favorite color changes based on your moods as well or phases in your life.)

What kind of artwork are you drawn to: (modern, classical, etc.)

What kind of imagery do you like: (photographs, illustrations, etc.)

Do you feel a stigma around you, your mental health issues and your race? Why do you think that is?: (what are some reasons for your stigma, where do they come from?)

And finally, what do you want to say about the issue of mental health and the stigma of mental health in people of color: (word vomit, throw your opinions my way, throw your discourse out there, say how you feel about this topic.)

So I will tell you about me to help start off this conversation and to help you guys see how and why I started this project.

My name is Brianna, I am an African-American, who suffers from Persistent, reoccurring, high functioning, Major Depressive Disorder I also have ADHD. I have suffered from this since I was a teenager. My illness affects my daily life in more ways than I can begin to explain. I have been suicidal before, my depression does make it difficult for me to get out of bed sometimes. Do I always get out of bed? yes, but sometimes I’m back in the bed an hour later. Sometimes I need to be in the dark and be alone. I love my friends and family but sometimes cannot stand to be around other people, sometimes just being around another human draws so much energy from me, I can literally feel drained from literally just getting out of bed and being around another human.

Am I religious? No, but I was raised religiously, I was raised in the church, and my parents are religious and I will say that I do think it affects my illness and that it has been an issue for me. 

I am currently seeking help for my illness, I am in therapy, but every day is still a struggle. I am learning coping skills, but every day is a struggle. 

I am currently not medicated in any form. I am looking into medications for my ADHD, but that is all at this current moment. No amount of medication is going to fix you overnight, and I realize that and want to take things slowly, perhaps. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be medicated myself yet, and that’s part of my stigma from my family, I’m struggling and trying to process and get through all of this. I have self-medicated before with “recreational” substances. 

My favorite color: Green. has been since I was 13.

What kind of artwork do I like? I’m a digital artist, so I love anything modern, and anything digital really lol. I have also done projects where I’ve taken a modern look at classical art, and that’s really fun as well. 

Imagery, I like photos, and illustrations, I like being able to “Paint” a photo, I love colors, I like to use lots of colors in my art.

And well you guys I have a lot to say about this topic, which is why it is the subject of my project, and if you’ve read this post then you have a little bit of an idea. 

Once again thank you guys so much for your time, I’m going to leave a link to my survey down here as well, so you don’t have to scroll back up the page.

https://goo.gl/forms/Rh0yzLU3QbWzzGQ33

People of color who suffer from mental illness are not invisible, we exist, and it is time that we are seen, as people, as human begins, we are not invisible!

Help is out there you guys, we do not have to be part of these statistic numbers, and we can end this stigma.