#i’m not jewish i barely know that much about Jewish culture or judaism and this is basic fucking common sense

[political-confetti]

if yall go into the inboxes of random jewish folks and ask for their opinions on the palestine/israel conflict just because they’re jewish, fuck you. genuinely, fuck you. stop doing that. you aren’t supporting palestinians by harassing random jewish folks on the internet, you’re just being an antisemitic asshole. y’all are doing the exact same thing as assholes who would go up to random muslim folks after 9/11 and ask them their thoughts on the taliban. it’s fucking gross. if you actually care about victims of the war, donate to charities or funds. share posts and information about the situation. don’t fucking harass jewish people.

[droughtofapathy]

Hi there! I read your review of Cabaret and saw that one of your main complaints was that a lot of Jewish culture was staged/written out. I’m not Jewish and don’t have that baseline understanding of the religion/culture and was wondering if you could elaborate further?

Hi Anon, I'd be glad to elaborate a little more, with the caveat that I'm not Jewish either, but I do know a thing or two about the history of this show. I'm also long-winded, so... buckle in.

I don't believe the production team intentionally went into it and took an eraser to Judaism as they went, but I do believe that being an English team with far less Jewish influence in their culture and society has made them blind to the inherent Judaism of the story beyond the glaringly obvious. As I've said before, this is a revival made by gentiles for gentiles right from the very conceit. In centering the show on this nightmare puppet spectacle of a cabaret, it does a disservice to the real heart and moral of the story's true epicenter: the boardinghouse and Schneider and Schultz and the grounded people around them. The very fact that it's officially been retitled "Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club" (frankly redundant) shows that this production is no longer about the actual book, but about the frivolous hedonism. Schultz's Jewish storyline is an afterthought hastily plopped down into the cabaret setting. Because of this staging, the focus is never away from the now-very goyish cabaret. Cliff, Schneider, Schultz, and even Ernst were very much given the "I don't care much" treatment by this director who wants everyone to ooh and ahh over the exorbitant pre-show gimmicks and whatever the fuck the Emcee and Sally are doing, and to hell with the actual plot.

Everything from the direction to the marketing to the creative tone seems to scream out that no one on this creative team actually understands the message. The nightclub might be the titular setting, but it's a looming figure in the shadows. A seedy little joint in a back alley where everyone's just trying to survive. Vaudeville could be bawdy, certainly, but the staging and choreography here is vulgar and tiresome, and says to me that the creatives also have little to no knowledge of that artform either.

Cabaret is an inherently Jewish musical. The three original creatives (Joe Masteroff, John Kander, and Fred Ebb) were Jewish men who were all alive during WWII and old enough to understand the horrors happening around them and overseas. Director and producer Hal Prince was Jewish. Revival director Sam Mendes is Jewish. Both Joel Grey and Alan Cumming are Jewish and/or gay. Eddie Redmayne is the first major Emcee on Broadway (baring a few late-run replacements, in the other runs, I'm sure) who is neither. Rebecca Fracknell is not Jewish and beyond the fact that I just don't think she's a good director of musical theatre (which is an incredibly hard artform that differs from directing straight plays), she has no inherent understanding or trust of the rich material already in place. She chose instead to create spectacle without actual spectacle, and focus all the time and energy into the Emcee--a character who was never meant to be the protagonist. The charisma and iconic performances of past Emcees have elevated this role in all subsequent productions, yes, but always as a centrally Jewish (and subtextually queer) figure. By having that representation and interpretation, Cabaret remains a centrally Jewish musicals. By stripping this particular Emcee of that, we get a goyish nightmare puppet, not a man. Not a Jewish man hiding or highlighting his Jewishness. We get a re-centered gentile production dead behind the eyes.

Antisemitism in Weimar Germany takes on a featured role in what should be a starring turn. Fracknell clearly sees herself as Sally, and she's made it all about the Sally in a painfully white goyish feminist way (don't get me started on a rant about the "girlbossification" they're trying to make happen), but the VERY CLEAR intent of the material is that we should not want to be Sally. We should not be proud of being this willfully ignorant girl who doesn't care about the rise of fascism all around her, and actively states that it has nothing to do with her. We should be horrified at her complacency and shamed that we might have gone in feeling the same way. And Schneider says it, she says it right there in what's meant to be the scene, that Cliff and Sally can just run away when the going gets tough without a care in the world, but she can't. When a show takes a Jewish story, written by Jewish men, and turns it into a gentile funhouse carnival and refuses to acknowledge its Jewish-centered book characters and actors (notice how Bebe Neuwirth and Steven Skybell were almost entirely excluded from promo materials until late into the Award Season publicity) to instead prop up a white gentile man and a white gentile woman...well, that's just blatant Jewish erasure.

[matan4il]

Hey, feel free to ignore - I found your blog after going through jumblr for a bit and I just want to get some stuff off my chest to someone who understands… My dad and his family are Jewish, so even though I’m technically not, I consider my Jewish heritage to be a big part of my identity. I have a *very* Jewish name to the point where I usually go by my middle name for safety reasons. (You never know who someone is when you introduce yourself, eh.) My dad has often said to me that I’m being overly cautious, that antisemitism is uncommon where we live. I had a conversation with him the other week where he expressed his shock and horror at the quick and monumental rise in visible global antisemitism… it broke my heart. In real life, I feel like the only people who care about this are my jewish friends and family. I feel very alienated and… I’m caught between apologising for not speaking Hebrew, for not being religious, and then on the other side I always gotta be on the defensive, always lead with “I’m not a Zionist”, always measure every word of support that I’m extending to Jews or Israel. I’m so tired…

Hi Nonnie! I am just gonna start by hugging you SO BIG!

I feel like antisemitism (or maybe its overt expression) has been on the rise for a long time, but it's been happening so gradually, and a lot of it has either been focused on the ultra orthodox community (those who are visibly Jewish, and who are very mistrusting of their non-Jewish surroundings, so they're less likely to report it to the authorities), or it's been disguised as anti-Zionism, and neither form got too much attention from non-Jewish news outlets. So I totally get your dad's surprise, at the same time that I am not surprised at all, even though I'm still shocked by the audacity of so openly justifying an actual massacre.

I am so sorry that you feel so alienated! Please remember you don't actually have to speak Hebrew to be a good Jew. My grandma was a Holocaust survivor, she tried to learn Hebrew, but never managed to absorb more than a few words. And she was a fantastic Jew, not just a good one, who really reflected some core Jewish values, like how she never stopped being so incredibly fair and kind to others, despite the unjust brutality she had suffered when a part of her family was murdered by the Nazis in Auschwitz, and another was murdered by their own neighbors. Same goes for being religious. There are LOADS of Jews who aren't, because being Jewish is so much more than just the religious aspects of our identity.

Also, I hope it's okay to share with you my POV on patrilineal Jews, but feel free to ignore this if it's not helpful. So why does the halacha (Jewish law) only recognize matrilineal Jews? Well, two thousand years ago, maternity was much easier to determine than paternity. Also, back then fathers barely dealt with their kids' education. It was basically on mothers, and that means they were the ones who passed on a sense of their culture, values, beliefs and world view to their kids. At the time, Jews also didn't have surnames, so that form of passing on this identity through the father didn't exist yet.

What I find interesting is, that this means Judaism says ONE parent who is DEF Jewish, and who passes on to you a meaningful Jewish identity, is enough. Today, when paternity can be determined for sure, I think that if we had rabbis with a great enough rabbinical stature across the Jewish world, the halacha would have been changed to include patrilineal Jews. In any case, I personally count patrilineal Jews no less than matrilineal ones. IMO, it's most of all a question of whether your Jewish identity is meaningful to you. And since it is, to me you're Jewish, period. *hearts*

And even if we look at it from the narrower POV from the halacha, just remember that it does recognize you, even if not religiously. Patrilineal Jews are called "Mi'Zera Yisrael," of the seed of Israel. So yeah, IDK... but I hope this helps!

As for not being a Zionist, of course you don't have to be. But I hope whatever your position is on the right of Jews to have a state in our ancestral homeland, it's not dictated by the hope that this will help people accept you. People who can't do that, unless you throw the majority of Jews (between Israeli ones, and the ones who support the Jewish state) under the bus, they will forever be capable of turning on you in a heartbeat. If they think it's wrong to murder you, but only so long as you live outside of Israel, or denounce it, they will never be people you can truly rely you.

I hope you're feeling better, having shared! And again, IDK if my words helped in any way, but I hope they did. Please don't hesitate to write me, and let me know either way, if you feel like it. Take good care of yourself! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[neverwritewhatyouknow]

hello hello~ i saw your post about rw&b from another blog and decided to give your blog a look through. i just wanted to say really thank you for bringing these representation issues to the conversation, even if it's tiring and hard :')

i thought about it and i really could only name a few characters on tv that i've seen recently who were jewish (jake/gina from b99 and dr. taub from house md). as a jew, even nonreligious like many of us are, the culture is still such an important part of the community, and yet none of us really get to see this representation on screen - especially minorities within the jewish minority (i have a friend who's half chinese half jewish for ex).

i didn't grow up with religion (we only celebrated passover sometimes and we usually forgot to light the hanukkah candles after day 3), but we ate latkes and matzah and hamantashen and my mom and grandparents (also nonreligious jews) regularly used yiddish words like schlep and schmutz which I didn't know wasn't normal until i had college friends ask me what they meant.

anyway this ask doesn't really have a point but i'm really glad to see that this kind of issue is being talked about at some level, especially as you've seen, it keeps getting denied and pushed down (like saying having a jewish producer on a movie means we shouldn't have jewish actors??? wtf). even though i haven't experienced much discrimination myself (i don't have an easily identifiable/stereotypical jewish name or appearance) many many people have (for literally thousands of years) and there's so much antisemitism in our society. it's exhausting seeing it, hearing about it, reading it in books, etc. sorry for the very long message but sending much love and gratitude <3<3 you're amazing

Thank you so much for this!!!

I was just talking to someone else about Jake from Brooklyn 99, I’m gonna watch the show because everyone keeps telling me great things! And Taub… yikes… his character isn’t bad, but man do they really use his Jewishness as a punchline sometimes, granted House does it with everyone, but it feels more offensive with Taub. Dr Cuddy in House is Jewish too, played by Lisa Edelstein. But that was more of the case that she was Jewish and they let her character be too. But yeah, Jewish rep is such a small fraction of characters, and meaningful Jewish rep even more so.

There will be “Jewish” TV shows like The Goldbergs or Maisel, and people consider that rep… but 1. There are almost no Jewish actors in either of those shows, 2. Heavily stereotyped, 3. If the only time you can see more than one of two Jews on screen is in a show that is about Jews… It’s still othering Jews by literally putting them into a different show. I can easily name more than a dozen shows with no Jewish characters, which is just so terrible. Especially because there are so many different Jews in the world. Not every Jew is from New York and speaking Yiddish. There’s an entire other type of Judaism called Sephardic Judaism and there’s almost no rep there. Plus, there is barely any rep for Jews of color (especially played by Jews of color). I also have a friend who’s Jewish and Chinese, apparently that’s a super huge sector… yet, I can’t remember the last time I ever saw that represented by an actor who is. Sorry, little rant.

I love hearing about people’s Jewish upbringing, because there’s such a diverse range in the way people live their Jewish lives, and it doesn’t make any Jew more or less Jewish than another. I’m really glad you’ve never been discriminated against, like honest to god that makes me so happy. I’m the total opposite. Nearly been killed and attacked a handful of times, so any time another Jew tells me they’re able to live without worrying for their life, it makes me so happy and hopeful that maybe one day we all can. Probably a big hope lol, but maybe.

And yeah, Jewish representation is something that people don’t wanna hear about, because it would require people to understand more about Judaism and Jewishness, and due to history/society/culture, many think they already know everything and learning more would make them reevaluate things. And many don’t want to.

Thanks again for your message, Anon! Great to hear from you!!

[supercantaloupe]

i am going to attempt to put some of my feelings into words now, actually. if you don’t already know me: hi, i’m supercantaloupe, and i’m that jew who wrote a really long post about tuc’s cultural representation (especially focusing on its relative lack of jewish rep) a few days ago! if you didn’t read it (and i don’t blame you bc that sucker was Long) i stated my frustrations/disappointments with tuc in regard to its jewish representation, expressed my ambivalence/mixed feelings towards its representation of other cultures, and stressed my continuing (if slightly cautious) interest in and love for the show despite its flaws. 

i know these episodes are prerecorded, but i can’t help but feel like tonight’s episode was almost tailor-made to respond to my thoughts. the biggest issue i took in tuc’s representation of jewish people is simply the lack of it -- an issue which is not 100% immediately retconned and remedied by the introduction of rabbi mike saulters, but it damn well does a lot to improve things. 

now we have more willy content! now we have more willy content that is authentic to jewish lore regarding golems! the whole thing about being animated with the hebrew word אמת (”truth”) and disanimated by erasing the first word so it reads מת (”dead”) is a real aspect of golem mythology in judaism! from the moment willy was mentioned as not doing so well in the beginning of the season i had a suspicion he was being disanimated, and when brennan mentioned the letters in his mouth tonight i could barely contain my joy. 

and then who does kingston get to help? not just a jew, but a black, visually orthodox/conservative rabbi. this is the first fully original human character in tuc who is jewish, and jewish in very visible obvious ways. he’s a rabbi, he’s visibly jewish (he wears a kippah and tallit katan, the prayer shawl worn under his shirt with the tzitzit (fringes) danging below), he’s a kabbalist (kabbalah is jewish mysticism, a closed practice to nonjews and often considered off-limits even to those who are not already learned torah scholars -- i personally think this is a very neat way to tie judaism into the magic of the unsleeping city!), and he’s black. if jews in media are underrepresented in general, black jews are way more so; especially in nyc, with a large jewish population that is also perceived as largely or entirely lightskinned/white-passing, the deliberate choice to make rabbi mike saulter black is huge.

the fact that rabbi saulter has been kingston’s friend for so long he helped with the met mummy quest almost thirty years ago. the fact that rabbi saulter talks like a jewish person (referring to gd as hashem and having a blessing in hebrew ready to go for literally any occasion reminds me so much of, like, every rabbi i know). the fact that the theme of null erasing history and cultural memory directly thematically ties in with real issues facing american jewry today; when brennan talked about kids from the neighborhood not being able to read hebrew anymore, i felt that. null erasing the letter א to disanimate willy explicitly parallels the way pete named null in the first place, by seeing them erase the words in latin from the building in nod. that this threat of erasing history ties directly and mechanically into the lore of golems is very cool and well implemented! but also...my mother grew up going to hebrew school, learned to read and speak hebrew, went to summer camp, went to israel, actually learned the language. i grew up going to hebrew school and i only learned enough hebrew to get me through my bat mitzvah -- i’m barely literate, nowhere even close to conversational, and deeply disappointed that i never got this part of my culture growing up. this problem brought up by rabbi saulter and willy in the show is real, and i feel it. 

i cannot fully express my excitement and joy at finally seeing more jews in tuc, and seeing jewish culture tying into the story in an important way. and i’m for sure not the only one who feels this way about seeing themselves represented in the show: i watched tonight’s episode with a chinese-american friend of mine, and the excitement and joy she expressed to me hearing about and meeting the shen family was infectious. does tuc still have its problems? yeah, for sure, and one episoded of good rep does not absolve any past mistakes or retcon anything bad into suddenly being good. but as a step forward, tonight’s episode was a really big one for me. and i’m really, really happy about it.

[girlwithsword]

Discworld Dwarves, Queerness and Judaism

@eruvadhril @omicheese @queergoblin @alynnl @nireidi @aceofblueheart @kittykatthetacodemon

Okay okay so look, there's always an inherent flaw when making a 1:1 analogy about oppression in fantasy. Even if you're saying that bigotry towards said group is immoral and incoherent, if fantasy species=specific minority and fantasy species has magical and/or biological rules that actually makes them inherently inhuman or dangerous than.... Well, you've sort've lost the moral argument.

And I know that dwarves=Jews carries that baggage as well. It's a criticism I've heard about LOTR for sure and yeah, even if dwarves are good and we empathize with them, if dwarves are, by the rules of the fantasy world, overly-traditional greedy buggers who live underground and refuse to interact with the world and dwarves=Jews than.... Yeah. That's yucky.

And, though Pratchett is clearly using dwarves in Ankh-Morpork to talk about the experience of immigrant communities in general, I actually don't think, unless I'm really missing something, he was trying to make them represent any community in particular.

All that being said, my Queer-Jewish ass had a lot of fun positively reading Jewishness into the dwarves in The Fifth Elephant. The way they're kind've a minority everywhere, but where there's a big enough community they have quite a big influence on things. The way different sects have emerged based on different practices. That a lot of the differences in sect are also about how much they're willing to let tradition change. Some condescension from the more traditional folks that the more progressive folks, no matter how proud they are of their culture and how much it does matter to them, aren't 'really' dwarves. An awe and sense of need for those who are more observant of the traditional ways even when most folks aren't so 'observant' or knowledgeable in the Law. An insistence that being a dwarf isn't about religion but how being a dwarf is so steeped in story and ritual and Law in the day to day. The hard question of how one even defines a dwarf, cause yes most dwarves are short and bearded but Carrot is a dwarf because he was raised a dwarf and Nobby growing a beard wouldn't make him a dwarf. But those born on Ankh-Morpork dwarves who wear their helmets backwards and barely speak mamma-loshen, are they really true dwarves like the ones from the old country? Plus all the internal arguing...

You see what I mean.

And then along comes Cheery. Cheery who really doesn't fit with a lot of traditional dwarf expectations but is absolutely and fiercely a dwarf. Who doesn’t like beer or gold or fighting but always carries her axe. Who wears her skirts and lipstick but would never shave her beard or stop wearing her helmet, because just because she doesn't want to be a dwarf like that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a dwarf!

And because of this, a lot of other dwarves want to say that she's an abomination or not even a dwarf at all. That she's making a mockery and a bad name for dwarfishness.

But, as it turns out, she wasn't the only one feeling the need to change. There are so many other dwarves who have been itching to be a dwarf in different ways, in new ways. There was a need, a desperate desire, to expand and experiment with what being a dwarf meant. To play with presentation, to mix and match tradition. And that she was just the crest of that wave. A wave that's coming whether the 'stick to the old ways no matter what' folks want it to or think it can or not.

And then Cheery meets the Low King, and they call her 'she' and shake her hand. The King, the Highest Authority,  looked her in the eye and said 'I see you as you are, you absolutely belong and I think you have some good ideas'.

And just, as a Queer Jew, and I really mean that both in the sense that I am a Jewish woman who is attracted to all genders and in the sense that my Judaism is Queer, well, I have a lot of feelings about the whole thing. Cheery is going to keep on being a lady-dwarf and being both at the same time actually makes both identities better and stronger and I'm going to keep being a Queer-Jew and yeah, same.

[lapis-yam]

With that established, let's move on to the most open-ended question: why? Don't feel like you have to be concise or anything-the longer the better.

I'm certainly anything but concise.

I can't remember the exact moment I became interested in Judaism. It was more of a gradual buildup until I genuinely felt like I could not continue pursuing any of my other goals in life until I contacted a rabbi.

I believe I first became acutely interested in Judaism because I had been making an effort to be a better advocate for Jews. I was very active and vocal in my support of Jews and my contempt for antisemitism and vowing to fight it to the best of my ability and by any means necessary. My interest in being a better ally to Jewish people led me to learning more about Judaism as a culture and as a religion. I started studying Jewish beliefs, analysis of important Jewish texts (Torah, Talmud, etc.). The first value I found that I deeply resonated with was the importance of questioning. Questioning what your told, and even crazier, questioning G-d, was something I didn't think any religion allowed, let alone encouraged. But Judaism was different in that respect, and I deeply admired that. I thought that all/most religions (especially Abrahamic religions) were very rigid and encouraging of blind faith, something I've never been good at.

Then there was the emphasis Judaism/Jewish culture puts on learning. The idea that there's always something new to learn and your education is never truly finished was deeply appealing to me. I love learning, reading, analyzing, studying, annotating. I love it all, and knowing that no matter how much a learn, there's always a deeper understanding you can gain of the Torah, there's always an infamous rabbi you've never heard of before that you should learn about, there's so many holidays with their own traditions and stories and rituals, theres mountains and mountains and mountains of books to read to give you a deeper understanding of any topic you could think of. Every question I had, I was encouraged to seek out the answer on my own, no matter how small. Why do Jews sway back and forth while praying, why can't you turn lights on and off on Shabbat, why is Israel so important to Jews, what's [insert holiday] about, why is circumcision required for Jewish boys, why can't Jews eat pork, why was the Talmud written, when will Mashiach arrive, why, why, why, why? There was always a new question to be asked, something I didn't know the answer to, something I had never thought to ask had I not been encouraged to do so. I have never run out of questions, and I doubt I ever will.

Then there's the encouragement of disagreement. How common it is for Jews to argue honestly caught me off guard in the very beginning. But it soon became one of my favorite things about Judaism. There's always an argument going on. This ties back to the first two. Whenever I would ask a question, I would either be told to search for the answer on my own, or my rabbi would give me his answer. I learned very quickly that I was expected to disagree with him, to argue with him. Otherwise, had I truly understood his answer? This became apparent during Torah study as well. The first Torah study class I went to, the entire class we spent more arguing than actually reading Torah. I was very nervous to participate, bc at the time I could barely follow along, but being encouraged to ask questions, and then have to defend whatever my interpretation of the verse we were reading was, definitely strengthened by ability to comprehend Jewish texts, as well as strengthen my bonds with other Jews. Nothing was passive. I have to be active constantly. I have to argue, celebrate, learn to cook Jewish recipes, learn Hebrew, write, study, etc.

Judaism turned everything I knew about religion on its head. Everything I loved about religion, Judaism had. A monotheistic belief in one creator, a large well of material to learn from, a sense of community, thousands of years of tradition, a beautiful culture, a welcoming and nurturing environment. It was everything my "ideal religion" would have.

As my interest grew, I could not stop researching Jewish holidays, traditions, food, beliefs, ethics, etc. I literally could not stop thinking about my now burning desire to join this "peoplehood", for lack of a better word.

My reasons for wanting to convert were clear to me now. I felt a deep connection to the Jewish people, to Hashem, and to the teachings of the Torah. I wanted to do anything I could to be 100% part of this community.

When I started converting, I reached out to a Reform Temple. The reform movement is seen to be the most "progressive" Jewish movement, and also has a reputation for being the least strict and most "assimilated". I chose to start my conversion with the reform movement because I thought it was my only option. I'm a trans man and I genuinely didn't think I could find an Orthodox community that would be accepting of that fact. I found very quickly that the reform movement was not for me. I personally didn't feel it was as true to the Torah as I wanted. I wanted a community that accepted the word of the Torah and sought to follow it as much as possibly in the 21st century. I didn't feel that the reform movement did that. It seemed like they wanted to "modernize" Judaism, which I didn't like. Judaism is ancient and I wanted to be part of a movement that treated it as such, that respected its roots and tried to follow as closely as possible to the origins. Eventually, I found an organization that helped LGBT Jews and LGBT ppl looking to convert Orthodox find orthodox communities.

I find my views align far more with Orthodoxy and I feel much more "at home" in this movement than I did in reform.

That's pretty much it I think :) Obviously, feel free to ask any other questions you have. I didn't proofread this, so I might be a little unclear.

[apenitentialprayer]

I often hear people who either grew up Christian and/or converted to another religion as an adult, lament on how oblivious they were to other religions. Do you think theology and religion classes should be offered in public schools so kids grow up with an understanding of other religions? Lord knows how many kids grow up with (Christian or Atheist) parents that have a closed minded view on other religions. I think it might help in some regard.

So, I’ve been sitting on this for a while. First, because I don’t know how normative my own experiences in public school are. Second, because I am leery of the teaching of any specific ideologies in public schools, and teaching religion can be an issue with that. If it’s presented as “Christianity teaches x, Islam teaches y,” etc., that’s not a problem. But you can get bogged down in a lot there, too. I think you’d have to be basic, stick only to the essential elements of each faith, and talk about major schisms within the religions too. I think I learned more about Islam than Christianity in my public school; I knew the five pillars, that icons were broadly banned but there were exceptions in some groups, about the Sunni-Shi‘i split, and stuff like that. I was given a general understanding of TULIP Christianity and the Protestant work ethic as background information for my junior year English class. And that’s about as far as it went for religious education in my high school. I learned nothing about Catholicism except that Protestants disagreed with it. I learned very little about non-TULIP Protestants. Hinduism was presented as a single religion based around the Mahabharat and Ramayana rather than a series of diverse and occasionally competing sects with many different kinds of worldviews. Judaism was easily the biggest failure, though; my understanding was that Judaism was a long line of suffering and a struggle to barely survive between the destruction of the Second Temple and the establishment of Israel - and that’s simply not true! There is so much going on during that time, a flowering and development of Jewish culture and thought! None of which was touched upon in any class. I’m not sure how such a curriculum would be designed, but I think introducing a class that gives a basic introduction to each of the world religions would be nice. But I don’t know to what extent such education actually does exist already

[doomedandstoned]

Lowen Return with Stunning EP, ‘Unceasing Lamentations’

~By Reek of STOOM~

Art by Hervé Scott Flament

London-based Doomters LOWEN return with an incredible, stripped back-to-bare-bones release next month. "Unceasing Lamentations" consists of 3 evocative, alluring tracks based on ancient Middle Eastern texts and highlighting Nina Saeidi's incredible vocal talent.

First track, "The Exalted One Who Walketh" shimmers with the arid heat of the desert, vocals soaring, plaintive and mesmerising, like a melding of Ofra Haza and Diamanda Galas, backed throughout by Shem Lucas' soulful Oud-style playing. Indeed, the lone vocal combo stretches across all three tracks, bringing a sultry and beguiling presence as powerful and majestic as the heaviest Doom out there.

Lowen have encountered many issues over the last 12 months, and this EP has been cathartic, heartfelt and deeply reconnecting with their roots. A Triumph!

I spoke with both Nina and Shem and posed some questions about the last year and their new release, out June 4th.

The new EP is obviously an accumulation of recent trials and tribulations for the band. How have you coped with such an acrimonious split?

Shem: It was a difficult situation but the core of the band has always been Nina and myself. The music is about her background and Lowen is a vehicle to explore that and always has been. Anyone that is unable or unwilling to accept that simply does not have a place within the band. There are many wonderful musicians that have approached us eager to work with us and that has been very touching.

Nina: As Shem said, it was a very difficult and sad situation that shocked us to our cores when it happened. The extreme nature of having a racially motivated hate crime directed at me by our ex-drummer has in a way allowed us to view it as a clean break from which we can move on without looking back. Shem and I have felt so much more positive and driven now that we can plan and write completely new material together and look to a much brighter future.

The support from our friends and fans in the immediate aftermath was really touching and we are so excited to work with some insanely talented new musicians this summer!

LISTEN: Unceasing Lamentations by Lowen

I'm also assuming that lockdown has played a part in the stripped-back sound? To what extent has this process changed the way you look at and create Music now?

Shem: Unceasing Lamentations is a result of Nina being invited to perform on a Solo basis by the Brighton Doomsday collective as part of their efforts to raise funds to keep the Green Door Store venue in Brighton open in the face of the pandemic. We were so happy with the results that we decided to have Magnus Lindberg of Cult of Luna master the audio so that we could release it.

The songs don’t represent a new direction so much as a pivotal moment in time for the band, we’re still writing our next album to feature big distorted guitars, drums and bass, though I would say that it was wonderful to finally release something that was a lot more eastern in terms of musical composition. It’s a nice bridge between the first album and the resulting musical studies we have undertaken to bring our sound closer to what we both hear in our minds.

Nina: It was so freeing to be able to improvise and really embrace the more Iranian and Eastern aspects of our sound and influence. It’s something I’ve been pushing to do more since we released our first album and I am so excited that we will now be fully putting that into the second one. This EP is more of a captured moment where I expressed the anguish and longing that I was experiencing at the time.

Due to the improvisational aspect of the performance we went in with no plan at all. Apart from the lullaby what you hear are musical choices that were made in that very moment. It can magical to simply give up all control of a creative situation and see what the body spontaneously produces musically.

LISTEN: A Crypt in the Stars by Lowen

The lyrics were based on folk tales or Eastern myths. How did you come to choose them?

Nina: The lyrics for the first two songs are directly taken from cuneiform tablets. The Exalted One Who Walketh is an arrangement of transliterated lines taken from a Sumerian city destruction lamentation referred to as “e-lum didara”. Against Evil Done by the Serpent is a transliteration of Akkadian from a clay tablet that directed the tuning of an instrument through metaphoric comparisons between gods and each string.

I met with renown museo-archeologist Richard Dumbrill and talked with him for several hours on how the words may have been pronounced and sung in the context of ancient music and modern interpretation. Though we will never know how ancient music and language sounded, it is thought that some of it has been preserved in folk music of the areas in which it originated when it comes to the music of the Middle East.

The third song is an Iranian lullaby that embodies the sorrow of war and abandonment felt by many children during the Iran-Iraq war and is still sadly apt for many children in the Middle East today. The lullaby centres on a child who has experienced the trauma of war being comforted by a mother who promises that she will not abandon them as they tread dangerous ground even in their dreams.

I chose all these because I am deeply interested in the history of language and culture in the Middle East. It moves me that music and lyrics that are thousands of years old can be resurrected and performed once more in a context where the sorrows and joys of multiple cultures that were geographically close can be viewed millennia apart.

How is the new line-up going? Any major differences or effects on the dynamic?

Shem: Lowen has always revolved around Nina and myself, but Richard Stevenson (our live bass player) is still very much a part of the band. We have been approached by other musicians who would like to work with us and we are excited to move forward with an array of incredibly talented musicians.

Nina: Our dynamic is stronger than ever as Shem and I are able to write and move forward with much greater speed and productivity than before. We always wrote the music in the past, but now we feel that we are able to be a lot more free creatively.

We are so grateful that we have Richard Stevenson, our live bassist, with us for what will be a very exciting summer in terms of shows. He always brings amazing energy to the stage and has been a dedicated member and friend for years now.

Soon we will be able to reveal who we will have drumming for us live and we can’t wait.

You have always been vocal about political and social issues in the East. What are your hopes for the future?

Nina: My greatest hope will always be for peace. War and political savagery has felt never-ending in the Middle East, and much of it is because of interference and backing from non-Eastern countries that profit from terminal instability and conflict. For example, we’re currently seeing horrendous atrocities in the news with the state of Israel attacking and tearing apart even more innocent lives and I hope that those who are actively campaigning for ceasefire and recognition of what is truly happening in Gaza and Sheikh Jarrah succeed. I’d like to clarify that my criticism of the state of Israel is not tied in with Jewishness or the nature of Judaism, I think it’s important not to veer into anti-semitism and anti-muslim sentiment when noting political matters in Israel.

My personal hope is to be able to go and see my family, who live in other parts of the Middle East, without fear of arrest and execution. I would be overjoyed if women were able to sing in public again and for the LGBTQ+ community in Iran to live without fear of death and persecution.

Will you be planning a tour or appearances at any festivals in the coming year?

Shem: we’re very excited to begin performing live again, the performances prior to pandemic had begun to feature increasing intensity, so we can only imagine what a renewed and focussed line up will add to that, as well as the prospect of playing new material.

Nina: We have a few more shows to announce in what is already feeling like a packed few months of shows around the UK but I can’t say anything yet.

What was the last thing you had to kick to get working again?

Shem: there was nothing to kick per se, but the many many hours of study into eastern music, rhythm and maqam are certainly paying off and the music we are composing now is focussed and features many techniques and devices not widely seen within western music, there’s also a lot of double bass drum!

Nina: A few cobwebs and a couple of boxes in order to find my stage mic after so long.

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[gideonthefirst]

The Crick is Jewish (The Theorem)

1. The diaspora of it all! Diaspora as a concept was literally invented to refer to Jewish people, and in Bahumia the Cricks seem to be the only diasporic people - everyone else has a homeland that seems to have always been their homeland. The Cricks instead came from somewhere, from where they were evicted (sound familiar?) and were then the first ones to have to leave their homeland when everything went to hell. “The Crick is where the people are” is….it’s a lot. It’s very Jewish. It’s just, like, what being Jewish is, “Israel” refers to both the place but also mostly to “the Jewish people”; it’s a very specific combination of culture and religion and place. It’s an ethnoreligion!

2. The relationship with Melora! The Cricks very clearly have a deeply personal relationship with Melora, but it seems like only they and the field elves worship her (except Shae, but Moonstone is barely canon), which has a very strong “””chosen people””” aspect. However, it’s also deeply confrontational - the first time we see Melora it’s in response to Moonshine telling her to “step it the fuck up”, but Melora’s not mad about it, it’s what she EXPECTS. Deadeye has a similar relationship. “Israel” means “to wrestle with g-d”, and Judaism specifically expects us to question and argue and hold g-d to higher standards

2b. Moonshine spends a lot of time fluctuating on her feelings toward Melora; she’s angry at her a lot, she’s willing to question her morality IMMEDIATELY upon learning how she became a god, she’s always Doing Good instead of relying on her god to Help Her Do Good (in contrast to, like, the green knights); this is all very Jewish, but what’s MORE Jewish is her commitment to ritual (trancing etc) even when this is happening. Most of the Jews I know are literally atheists, but many of us still go to synagogue, celebrate holidays, a lot of people still keep kosher, etc, and that’s very much a part of the religion/culture.

3. Kabbalah! Also known as Jewish mysticism! While Judaism is often academic and strongly connected to learning, it also has a strong oral tradition like the Crick (especially because Hebrew as a language died and had to be completely reconstructed), and also a mystical connection to nature and superstition that isn’t really directly connected to g-d. All I’m saying is the vast majority of druids we’ve met have been Cricks

[oviids]

I really love when you share posts about Judaism, because as someone who has been in Christian education her whole life I really like learning about it. One thing on the bingo board that caught my eye was the using the phrase "Old Testament." I had one teacher who told us that a better term to use was Hebrew Text. Given that my teachers barely taught us about Judaism, is this something that you would also say is accurate? I just want to make sure I'm not offending anyone. Thanks!

Aw thanks, this is so nice to hear! I know American/western culture and society tends to be extremely xtian-normative even for people who aren’t actively religeous (It’s definitely affected me, and I didn’t even know who Jesus was until I was 10) and I’m always happy to talk about jewish stuff😊

To answer your question, while I personally I don’t mind ‘Old Testament’ that much compared to other common alternatives like ‘Hebrew Bible’ or ‘Hebrew Text’ (which imo is the closest to ‘Hebrew Text,’ never heard that one before) the proper name for it is the ‘Tanakh.’ It’s an acronym of the three main sections that each contain multiple books, Torah, Neviim, and Ketuvim + some vowels thrown in at a later date since our alphabet didn’t have them originally. It also used to be called the mikra/miqra but that’s definitely not as common as Tanakh.

[mystiika]

re; asher

h i s t o r y

   meet asher eichel. growing the only child, he had a bit of a helicopter mom. he went from a jewish preschool into a jewish private school, his entire life with religion at its core & he absolutely loved it. he was always a very earnest guy, just wanting to live his life the best he can. following the teachings of the torah, doing mitzvahs & tzedakah, the whole bit.

   he majored in jewish studies in university before eventually making the decision to start rabbinical school. it wasn't something he ever saw himself doing until a teacher of his sat him down & asked him why he thought he couldn't be a rabbi & frankly, asher didn't have an answer. he loved judaism & the culture & community he grew up in.

   i’m still working out the exact details of the timeline but i picture him being 4-6 years into a 7-8 year program when he's attacked one night on his way home from the library. the whole attack was so jarring & traumatic, he had a lot of trouble recognising what was real or if his mind was making things up. he then had to slowly come to terms with the idea that he was attacked by a vampire & was becoming one himself.

   he was beside himself, praying to god wondering why He let this happen, what he could do to reverse it, etc. he starved himself, not wanting to feed but eventually was forced to give into this new side of him he could barely control. the reality of what he'd done almost turned him into a hermit. he didn't want to be around people for fear of hurting them, & dropped out of school without a word to anyone about why.

   he packed himself up & went somewhere no one knew him in the hopes he'd be able to leave it behind him, but of course he couldn't because being a vampire was now as much a part of his identity as his religion had been.

   judaism & god are the things that's keeping him sane through all this, but he no longer feels he's able to become a rabbi & preach the words of the torah when he'd come to break so many of its laws. it's an ongoing battle between knowing that drinking blood isn't kosher by any stretch of the imagination & knowing he'll die without it. but the world of the supernatural is still very much so new to him & he doesn't have anyone in his life to show him how to navigate it. he’s just doing his best & taking things one day at a time.

i n f l u e n c e s

   i have no exact vampiric lore to follow, i’ll be focusing more heavily on how he relates this new stage of life to religion & following the torah rather than talk about the exact details of how vampires work. but ! it’ll be a similar vibe to my other vampire oc kaede. blood is a must, they won’t die without it but will come close to. they can learn to stomach regular human food but have to train their bodies to accept anything that isn’t a blood diet. they also have enhanced senses as well as increased physical abilities like speed & strength.

[docholligay]

Im Kino

nonfiction Patreon release for you! 

Want to support my releases? Thank you! Patreon –  Ko-fi

I go to Holocaust movies alone.

Mostly I tell people that I don’t watch Holocaust movies, that I don’t go to Holocaust exhibits, because I am not the target market. I don’t need to be reminded that the Holocaust happened, I don’t need to remember that human beings were murdered because they had the misfortune of being born the scapegoat, masterminding the world from their tailors’ benches and lawyers’ offices, as if we found the cunning to run the world but had not yet figured out to convince people we were human.

But I do go, sometimes. And I go alone.

It isn’t even a matter of not wanting to go with goyim--it’s true that I don’t watch Jewish movies with them, that I never trust them to understand and I am unwilling to be their Virgil in the Inferno that is the layers of Jewish thought and ethics and culture, some circles so intangible to me that I am not certain I have the words to explain what they misunderstand. It’s true that I hate they way they look over at me every five minutes as if to gauge my reaction, as if to see if they are experiencing it enough. It’s true that I won’t let them mine my pain for their clarity, and It’s true that I get tired of how lapsed Christians never really lapse in their hearts, the same as a Jew can only wish to stop being one. We are always a part of the things that built us, even if we hate them.

Maybe this is why Jews are comfortable hating God as they walk into temple.

Bold of him to assume it’s even about him.

But no, I don’t watch Holocaust movies with other Jews either. In this, I am as solitary as an oyster, to steal the wisdom of Charles Dickens, and that feels right. I have long taken my pain and my irritation and tried to turn it into something beautiful, even as I tell myself it’s alright to let it sit. Its alright to let sand be sand.

But here I am again, writing about why I don’t let anyone come with me, thinking I can make it poetic. Sometimes hermit crabs make their shells from trash, you know. They’re adaptable.

The movie was about Jews who hid in Berlin, after it was declared free of Jews. People who hid who they were and who passed through the streets brushing shoulders with goyim who maybe didn’t want them to die but maybe didn’t care if they lived.

My throat caught three times. I am a Montanan as much as I am a Jew, and so I choked it back, and I looked away from the screen, and I ate the genocide of a family I should have known but that the Germans shot into a ditch, and that salt tore into my throat.

I just took a drink.

I was the only Jew in the room, and I know this because there are only fifty or sixty of us in the city, and there were maybe forty people in the theater, and the quick math I did in my head made me silently thankful that I wouldn’t have to deal with the spectre of talking to someone about my feelings. Out of our fifty or sixty, only fifteen or less of us are Fievel goes West Jews. Only fifteen of us know to pray in Hebrew and shut up in English, and have no trouble with these two truths.

I’ve known the guy who sells tickets behind the counter since I was twelve years old. He looks at me with a sense of pity and tells me he hears this movie is wonderful, and I hate him instantly. I don’t watch Jewish movies with goyim. Except when I’m outnumbered in a tiny one room art theater where the tickets and the popcorn and the screen are all run by the same guy, who knows I’m a Jew and for one miserable second I think he’s going to ask me to say something. He gets a line forming. I’m lucky.

What should I say? What could i say that would not be laying out the loss of fifty percent of the Jewish population like a goddamn breakfast buffet, so people can take what they want and feel satisfied, so they can leave the rest and never think about it?

Judaism teaches us that anger is useless and worse, that you must turn it into love and into action. That you should learn that so well that you should have to feign anger when someone trespasses. Y’Israel doesn’t mean “struggles with God’ for nothing. I’ve never gotten there. All I do is burn with a white-hot heat as the woman on screen dyes her hair blonde. All I do, as Cioma fakes a passport, is look around at the goyim in the crowd, and wonder how many of them would turn me in for a free year of Amazon Prime. The stakes in my head become losing their jobs, and I wonder instead how many wouldn’t.

I hate them all. But I say nothing, because anger is useless, and because you pray in hebrew but shut up in English, and because I couldn’t even answer the cries of whoever it was that was machine gunned into the dirt, a language I don’t speak and world I don’t know, but one that grabs at my ankles, like a hound from hell, since I was six years old.

The men are outside, smoking, after Berlin falls. A Russian soldier comes to shoot them, and they yell, over and over, that they aren’t Germans, they’re Jews, that Germany would never let them be both and so they are Jews.

The soldier doesn’t believe them. Hitler killed all the Jews, he says, his gun cocked and pointed and full of fury. But he has a moment. Where God pins him and he believes.

“Say the Shema.” He says.

The movie explains it for the forty nine other people in the room, but I know instantly, it wouldn't matter if they had never set foot in temple since their bris, they would know the shema, our prayer, our central call and the thing that should be on your lips as you die, and they do. They recite it beautifully and perfectly.

The Russian soldier nearly sobs. I bite my tongue and take a drink.

He was a Jew, too, serving in the Russian Army. He believed Hitler had done it, killed every German Jew, but here were two men reciting the Shema and living. Two Jews, if nothing else, had fought through all the years of war to live, and so we were not done yet.

They cast him well. His blue eyes are like mine, and I recognize the rage in them as he pointed his gun.

I go to Holocaust movies alone, because you never point a gun at anything you don’t want to kill.

I slip out as soon as the movie ends, when the lights are barely up. There’s a voice echoing in my head, one that says I have a responsibility to everyone who didn’t make it. I’ve never hidden. Maybe that’s the benefit of living in a place with almost no Jews. I fought for every point of that star my entire life, and I refuse to give an inch.

There’s a Nazi resurgence in the west. From Portland to Pierre, there’s flyers and threats and decisions to be made. My great grandmother said that if you are where people want to kill you, don’t be there. But she wasn’t a Montanan. She moved here from the present day Ukraine, and she was that until the day she died, whatever else she tried to be. We are always a part of the things that built us, however much we hate them.

I press against the door, and go out into the street and the grey and the coming night, the thoughts of a family with no papers and no chance to run on my mind.

The cold wind hits me in a staccato beat the way I imagine the bullets hit their bodies. But I’m a Montanan as much as I’m a Jew. I’m a grizzly bear with a tallit draped across my shoulders. I feel the bullets.

All it does is piss me off

[daisugababy]

sorry imma rant in ur inbox a bit bc i love this blog and u seem smart: can we PLEASE get some more explicit Judaism?? i am so sick of having token Jewish characters w throwaway lines about hannukah and barely any mention of our culture or religion. have these show writers ever met a Jewish person?? Bc we talk about being Jewish a lot! it’s not that hard, have Levi put up a mezuzah when he moves, or say he can’t do something on Saturday bc of services

Y E S. 

I’m not Jewish so idk much about Judaism besides from what i’ve done my research on for my fics, but if you write a Jewish character for a TV show that prides itself with amazing representation, maybe do your job and do some research and don’t just half-ass characters just so you can claim your representation status.

Sometimes I’m not sure if the writers know that good written characters entice viewers. Meaning that if this character behaves like an actual human and not just a one-dimensional puppet, people will get attached to the character’s destiny and want to follow them aka watch the show regularily.

You don’t get that if you don’t give a shit about how you’re portraying the different facades of your characters. Which is getting harder when you have 8678576 people in the cast, i can admit that.

But as you said, it’s not hard having him casually mention sth around him being Jewish. It could also be Nico mentioning them being invited to Levi’s mom for a special occasion or sth. Idk I’m not the show’s writer. They could come up with sth.

But hey, the promo pics for next episode show him and his (assumed) grandpa (or uncle???)  wearing kippahs (i think that’s what they are, right??). So there is hope to see sth this week!

I feel like The Nanny did an amazing job with the Fine family?? Seth Cohen from The O.C. also jumps to my mind.

[berlinbabylon]

1) Hello again! It's your fellow Greta-defender here :) It's just as well I didn't message you this past week--couldn't figure out how to word what I wanna tell you, particularly how deeply I relate to Benda, in a concise manner--b/c you were busy too. Anyway, should I assume that you won't be able to tag my suggestion for giffing a scene as perioddramaedit this time b/c you tagged the last scene as such? At least that's how I understood your explination re: labels. Please correct me if I'm

wrong; I want to understand & not be annoying. You're the only person I can talk to re: the show. I relate to Benda b/c I'm Jewish as well, on my mother's side. Her mother, my maternal grandma, barely survived Auschwitz in addition to several labor camps. Some of my great-aunts, a great-uncle, and my great-grandma, among others in the family, didn't make it. I feel terrible admitting that I'm a bit nervous telling you all this, simply b/c you're German. My discomfort is solely on me; it's your problem to grapple with or your responsibility to put me at ease. I know it's awful & stupid of me; I'm just trying to explain my POV & how I interact w/ the show. I was born & raised in a super small, super rural town in the Southeastern USA, where my family was one of 2 non-Christian families in the entire town. My only exposure to the German language was thru WW2 movies, so for many years--until BB came along, actually--hearing German made me nervous. (The food's pretty good though). My grandma's family is Hungarian, but she was born in what was then Czechoslovakia (now Southern Ukraine) near the mtns. So the cultures might overlap a little, at least in terms of food. This is SO long & I'm SO SORRY; I'll shut up soon; I got sidetracked. Anyway, my grandma became an atheist after the war, had little to say about much she'd experienced. I'd originally intended to tell you a lot of other things re: the show & Judaism, but I'll shut up now. Again, I'm really sorry.

First of all, sorry that I just saw these messages and thanks so much for sharing all of this! Please don’t apologize; it’s not awful or stupid of you to be nervous to talk about something this sensitive to a stranger on the internet, especially on Tumblr, where some people are just straight up... Nazis. Not that I think you thought I was one but even on a ‘normal level’ of discourse there are many awful takes floating around and it’s completely right to be cautious.

I’ve tried to type a response to this a few times now and deleted it again because it wasn’t adequate. I’m so sorry that your family went through that - I don’t say that as a German only but I do say it as a German as well, people who go all “Germans don’t need to feel guilty anymore” “#notallGermans” rarara etc can miss me. I don’t feel personally guilty as I wasn’t alive but I do believe the German people as a people have a responsibility to keep memory alive and make sure something like the Holocaust doesn’t happen again and I do believe that many more Germans who were alive during WWII were guilty of a personal involvement with and furtherment of mass murder and genocide than some popular narratives at the moment would like to make you believe. These sometimes come from Americans who are tired of Nazi villains from Hollywood movies who are more like comicbook caricatures than real people but running in the opposite direction isn’t a good approximation of reality either.

I believe that Babylon Berlin - similar to other German literature and films on the topic - is doing a good job of showing the different sentiments and mechanisms that led to the rise of Nazism in Germany and I think it’s important that people realize how deeply rooted in society many of the ideas and ideologies already were that would later come to their most terrible fruition in the Holocaust. And that many people who did not approve privately still didn’t speak out and became guilty of being a Mitläufer, someone who just... went along with what was happening although they realized it was wrong (and many saw a lot and sensed a lot of what was wrong, even if they didn’t actively participate, though many did that as well; if there’s interest, I would be happy to put together a post with some literature excerpts on this topic).

One aspect that is often missing from German views on the time, and also German history lessons which are thorough otherwise, is a detailed look at Jewish life as it was back then in Germany and other European countries. I believe there is some trepidation to talk about it because there is a kind of audacity to it, to first attempt to completely extinguish Jewish life and then a few generations lecture others on how it used to be. Certainly, many Ashkenazi Jews like Benda were often assimilated to the point that they were barely distinct from other Germans, patriotic or otherwise, especially those who had fought in WWI. But there was already discrimination during the Weimarer Republic and anti-Semitism was widespread (as we see with characters like Seegers and Wendt) and I hope we will see more of regular Jewish life and experiences on the show just as we will probably see more and more of that discrimination and the beginning of pogroms in coming seasons.

It’s a heavy topic, there’s a lot more that I would like to say but I think I’ll stop here. To end on lighter note: Any favorite food? :) There are definitely some food overlaps in central/eastern Europe!

(Oh and about the perioddramaedit tag, I think I figured out something else that made some of the posts disappear from the tags, so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Hopefully.)

[jewishconvertthings]

Are there any other converts out there who kind of regret it? I never see anyone talking about that and it makes me feel awful that I feel the way I do. Having to go to mikvah to complete my conversion made my mental health issues flare up really bad, to the point that I barely remember any of it, and it feels like none of it ever really happened. I know I'm Jewish now because I completed all the steps of my conversion, and I talked to my sponsoring rabbi about it and she told me that [1/?]

[2/?] my conversion still counts, but I don't *feel* Jewish. I don't really feel anything. Honestly I feel miserable when I think about it and I wish I hadn't done it. But I also know that I'm Jewish now anyway and there isn't anything I can do to go back and change anything. I don't mean to be a downer, but I've never seen experiences like mine expressed anywhere and I feel really alone.

Hi anon, 

I’m sorry that this was not the most positive experience for you and that you feel alone. However, you’ve raised some really important things that do come up for folks and therefore deserve discussion. 

One thread you have going here is related to not feeling Jewish after the mikveh. That is actually a really common thing, regardless of whether the individual in question wants to feel more authentically Jewish. (Of course, given the context, the desire is going to be there for the large majority of people, but you are certainly not the only person to experience the opposite.) 

Feeling Jewish, or “Jewish enough” is definitely a lot longer of a process than people often anticipate or talk about, but it continues long after the mikveh for a great many converts. There are still going to be lots of things you’re learning and experiences you missed. The thing to keep in mind and that you’ll eventually settle into is that there are plenty of people who were born halachically Jewish who also do not have these experiences. Over time, you will fully assimilate into Jewish culture and community, and you will begin to feel at a gut-check level that your Jewish experiences are as valid as anyone else’s. But this does take time and that period can last years beyond the mikveh. 

Another thread you’ve got going here is related to regret: What if I regret my conversion? 

So this is definitely not something I’ve personally been up against (yet) but I think that it does exist on a spectrum for most converts at some point. The reality is that any time you make a major life choice, there is going to be some regret, even if you are overwhelmingly happy about the choice in general. Every parent I’ve ever talked to in an honest way about this has admitted to at least one major freak-out moment of what did I do?? shortly after becoming a parent. Plenty of happily married friends have opened up to me about occasionally regretting getting married as well, no matter how much they love their spouse. 

The point is: You can regret major life choices that you would still make again. You can regret the way they came about even if you’re ultimately happy about it. And there is plenty of room for complex feelings about these kinds of major decisions and you should give yourself plenty of room for those feelings. 

In your situation, it seems like it may be a bit more than just temporary regret. If that’s the case, I would encourage you take a few steps back from engaging in Jewish life and just focus on healing yourself on a mental health level. Do you what you need to do to improve your stability, contentment, and managing of any mental illness(es) you may have. 

After you’ve taken the time you need to work through your mental health concerns and get to a good place with those, focus on doing things that make you happy and center those things until you’ve built up some happiness as well. 

Then, and only then, do I recommend circling back to reflecting on your conversion and your place in Jewish community. 

When you do get to that stage, I would try to remember what things initially drew you to Judaism and what led to you making the choice to complete your conversion. It sounds like perhaps the decision was moved along too quickly and/or that there were surrounding circumstances that made it difficult. I would try to drill down on exactly what caused the problem, as well as refocus on the good things that led you to make this choice. 

Hopefully, in doing so, you will be able to begin to separate the triggering or otherwise bad things from the positive things that drew you to Judaism and led you to choose it. Hopefully, in separating them, you will be able to find new or renewed interest and desire to engage, and can focus on engaging in those ways then. 

Ultimately, if that does not work, you may need to try approaching your Jewish identity in a similar way to someone who was born Jewish and who has a more complex relationship to it. While those narratives will differ from your own in some ways, in other ways, they may provide helpful ways of (re)defining yourself Jewishly that feel good and authentic to you. 

While you are dealing with some difficult feelings anon, please know that you are definitely not alone. This community will still be here, ready to welcome you back, as soon as you are able to rejoin us. In the meantime, I wish you health, renewal and happiness.