#i’m no longer that person. i’m someone entirely different. so now i’ve changed it to satis as a happy medium

[astraystayyh]

All for you

skz and the vows they'd write for you.

fluff. gn reader. word count-3.9k. listen to video games by lana del rey if you can!!!

a.n: thank you to @a-cute-french-fry and @dorisnumber1fan for brainstorming some of these with me <3 i made myself very delulu with this so ENJOY. happy 3k!!! i love you all muahhh <3

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 chan ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

Chan's warm hands are in yours, fingers tangled with one another tightly- like the sturdy roots of an ancient tree.

“Baby,” he calls out softly, and you can already feel tears well up in your eyes at the tenderness in his voice. His thumb reaches out instinctively to wipe the lone tear that managed to escape. His right hand remains on your cheek, cradling it gently.

“Seungmin always liked to joke that I was nearly half-fifty-two. Then half fifty-three on my next birthday,” he starts, as a faint giggle escapes your lips. “That's how I counted time too, with the different days I lived… That is until I met you.” He pauses, a shaky breath leaving him and crashing onto you. “Suddenly I was no longer twenty-six. I was one week old since I met you. Three months since I’ve loved you. And then five years since you changed my life. Years no longer marked the passage of my time. It was you who marked the passage of me.”

“I always had this idea in my head, that I was only worth loving easily. If I diluted all my problems, concealed all my flaws and insecurities to please the ones around me, only then was I deserving of love. But you...” His eyes soften, even more so than they were before. “But you loved me, you loved me on my happy days, and on my darkest ones. You loved me, even when I couldn't understand it, even when I couldn't see what was there to care for in me. So, thank you, for showing me that I am worthy of love, simply because I am me. Thank you for choosing to be patient with me. You don't always know what to do to help, nor do I, but you try, and I try, and isn't that what love is, in the end? To take time out of your day to try, for the person you love?” His voice cracks, as sudden tears wash over his rosy cheeks.

“And I love you. I love to love you. And I cannot not love you, not when my heart beats to the melody of your existence. I promise that even when I’m eighty, I’ll always try to love you better, softer, gentler. I'll never stop trying to be worthy of your love, to be worthy of being yours. Only ever yours.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 minho ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

“Angel,” Minho smiles softly, the back of his hand brushing tenderly against your cheek. “I love you, so so much. You know that, right? I probably don't say it as much as I feel it, because I always do. Every second of my existence is spent loving you. Even when I’m not fully awake, and still floating in that hazy space between dreams and consciousness, I can still feel it deep within me that I love you. It is the one thing that ties me back to life itself.”

“And I never... I never imagined that I could adore someone this much. So much that I always think of you, always miss you, even when you're near. Because I feel as if I missed out on years of loving you, back when we didn't know each other. And I- I want to love you, hard enough so it'd feel as if I’ve done it for your entire life.” He's blinking repeatedly, you're surprised he can still read the words scribbled on his paper. You can sense that the tears glistening in his eyes are on the verge of spilling, so you grab his hand and squeeze it gently. 'I'm here', you silently say- he understands.  

“Thank you for holding my hand. Now, and every time I’ve needed you. Thank you for being here for me, with me. I... I always thought that people like me were destined to be alone. But- but being with you feels like I’m with myself. There's no need for me to pretend. Thank you for not making me pretend anymore. You are my mirror, you and I are one, and I- I hope...” He brings your hand to his chest, where his heart beats wildly- 'stay with me' it sings to you.

“I hope you can always feel my love for you. Now and when we're too old sitting on the patio of our home, and my hand is still in yours. Because my heart belongs to you, it beats for you and I breathe for you.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 changbin ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

“You're breathtaking,” Changbin whispers in awe, his eyes tracing the contours of your body with each lingering look, like the brush of a skilled artist.

“So are you,” you giggle, but he shakes his head vehemently, drawing nearer to you. “You are the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I can't believe I’m marrying you,” he chuckles in disbelief, before grabbing your hand and twirling you around, showing you off for all to see. 

“Look at who I’m marrying!” he shouts with bursting excitement, as he dips you down, his nose grazing yours gently, a soft touch amidst the loud exclamations around you. 

“Still sure you want to marry him?!” Seungmin shouts from his seat and you giggle, wrapping your arm around Changbin’s waist. “I do!” 

Your laughter gradually fades, as Changbin clears his throat. His head is tilted to the side, a small, incredulous smile drawn on his lips as he contemplates the loveliness of this moment- of marrying you. 

“My baby. My beautiful baby. I think this is the happiest day of my life. But again, every day is a happy one with you. I... I've never known that love could be unconditional, that loving someone would feel as simple as breathing. Until you. Loving you doesn't feel like I’m taking something out of my being, and giving it to you. But rather, I’m nurturing something within me, a blossoming tender emotion that grows within my soul. Loving you...” he steps forward, cradling your cheeks in his warm hands. “Loving you makes me happy, immensely happy. Because you are the sunset that makes people stop in their tracks to admire it. You are the beautiful scenery that gives hope to everyone who witnesses it. And you make me feel alive. More than I’ve ever been before you.”

“And I promise...” he pauses, wide eyes trying their best to embrace each feature drawn on your face. “I promise to love you more today than I did yesterday. I promise to shoulder the pain that slips through the cracks in your heart, the one that you try so hard to conceal from me. I promise to hear your silent cries and to hug you until your soul stops bleeding. I promise to see you, even when you try to hide from me. I promise to hurt if it means you'll feel less pain. And I-” his voice trembles as it washes over your old scars, delicately erasing them from your memory. 

“I will love you. When the pain seems too big, I will love you. And when your happiness shines the brightest, I will love you. I am madly, irrevocably, desperately in love with you. My heart is tangled in yours.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 hyunjin ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

“My love,” Hyunjin begins before abruptly stepping forward, pressing his lips onto yours. The kiss is dizzying and sweet, it reminds you of the figs he hand-fed you yesterday- honey dripping down his tongue onto yours. “I’m sorry,” he whispers once he steps back. “I couldn't help myself. You're so pretty,” he admits sheepishly, and you giggle, too in love to ever mind.

“Where was I? Right, hi, my love. Writing these vows was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Not because I didn't know what to say, but there is so much I wish to express, to talk about when it comes to you. How my soul seems to burn for you. How you’re my last love, but also my first, because I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved before you. Not when you are love itself. But I… I found this journal entry, from four years ago. And I want to read it to you.” He clears his throat, a useless attempt to erase the quiver in his voice.

“I used to believe that love was meant to be grandiose. Extravagant gestures and confessions that will seem too magical for any ordinary human. That’s what I craved; a love so big it would overtake my being completely. But... But tonight, you played with my hair as I laid my head on your lap. And we held hands while drinking warm tea on your couch. And it felt enough, more than enough for me to lead a beautiful life. One worth remembering, one worth commemorating. All because it’s with you.

I realize now that I no longer have to search for love all around me, because you hand it to me, so freely, so selflessly. You love me on our extraordinary days and our mundane ones. I never have to second guess it with you. We may be angry, sad, or frustrated, but the love always remains. It's the one emotion that ties us together, that anchors us to one another. My compass. You.

I don't think I ever 'fell' in love with you. Because a fall can never be gentle, it always hurts, even if for a little. And you must always get up afterward, in a minute, in an hour, in a few years. You can't stay down forever. But this, what I feel for you, the emotion that makes my heart beat is tender and soft. It feels like walking inside a home where the light is golden, the windows are wide open, and every past version of me finally finds what it was looking for all along. I want to stay in you for a while. For a long time. For the rest of my life. And I’ll do whatever it takes so you’d let me.

P.S: I am sleeping with a light heart tonight. I hope that, for as long as I’m breathing, you will always too. You deserve it, more than anyone who has ever walked this earth.”

There is a long pause, as Hyunjin’s words hang over the air; they knock the breath out of you but simultaneously fill you with life. You step forward, swiping away his tears gently. He brings your hand to his mouth, soft rosy lips brushing against your knuckles. 

 “I guess I've been writing my vows since the day I met you,” he smiles softly, delicate love overflowing from him. “Every painting, every journal entry, was to you, by you, for you. Thank you for being my home. Thank you for choosing to love me, every day. Thank you for allowing me to witness the magic that is you. I will forever and always orbit around you.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 han ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

“Have I ever told you that you're my favorite artist, sweetheart?” Han’s voice is gentle, as he begins speaking. It reminds you of the waves lapping at your feet when he proposed to you. “I feel as if, as soon as you stepped into my life, you began to paint it with the most vibrant colors. The ones I’ve been desperately longing for. Because it is hard… to see the world as a rainbow when you've felt in blacks and whites for so long.” Han’s gaze softens as he spots the tears now trailing down your cheeks. “Shh, don't cry, honey. Or I’ll start crying too, and I don't think I can stop then,” he whispers and you nod, a breathy giggle escaping your lips.  

“My mind used to be a scary place. But it no longer is, because it's now filled with thoughts of you. I like to imagine that you planted yourself a little garden there, vibrant tulips and roses. And these flowers may wither down. But they will always bloom again, watered by my love for you, and your love for me. And I hope you know that I... I'll always be there for you too. When the thoughts in your head won't quiet down, I’ll talk for as long as it takes to distract you. And when you want to sit in silence, I’ll be near you, holding your hand. And when you want to be alone, I’ll be there, lingering around the door, within your reach. In whichever shape you want me, you'll get me. I am here, I won't ever leave you.”

“And now I’m crying too” Han chuckles softly, and through the shimmering veil of your tears, you cling to his hand to see.

“I really, really don't know what I ever did to deserve you. But I know I’ll try my entire life to be worthy of you. For as long as I’m here then there will always be someone who loves you. Someone who is proud of you; for breathing, for trying, for never giving up. Please never forget that. You are my strength, my peace, my home. You are everything I have ever dreamed of in human form.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 felix ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

The golden rays reflect on Felix’s eyes as he looks down at his paper. A summer wedding- he insisted, his only condition to you. It is ridiculous, you wanted to tell him, to expect it to be any season but summer when he is the sun.

“Hi baby,” he grins, twinkling brown eyes captivating yours. “God, I’m so nervous. I rehearsed this ten times in front of chan. I think he learned it by heart now.” You giggle, as Chan’s laughter travels across the venue. “I’m not usually afraid of speaking in front of people. But you aren't anyone. I guess that's why I’m nervous. You look really beautiful today. This isn't in my papers, I just wanted to tell you. Because you are. You're always beautiful but today you're absolutely breathtaking and I can't believe I’m marrying you. Thank you for saying yes,” he pauses, a breathy chuckle escaping him. “I’m rambling, aren't I?” you nod, a wide grin on your face. You love him.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I... I'm known as the massage fairy, right? I think I might've massaged almost everyone present in this room.” The loud cheers of your friends signal that they agree.

“I used to, I mean, I do it because you get knots in places your hands can't reach, and it feels nice, for someone to ease the ache of your muscles for you. And I always thought that massages were strictly physical. That it just undoes tension in your body, nothing more, nothing less. And I never told you, because it sounded silly in my head. But I knew... I knew I loved you when you massaged my shoulders for the first time. Do you remember, baby?” he asks, a gentle smile gracing his lips. “That was two months into our relationship. Which is fairly early, but time means nothing when it comes to you.”

“My shoulders were sore, and when I told you, you stood behind me instantly. You started to massage my shoulders and I almost cried right there and then. Because your fingers worked delicately, and it felt as if you were kneading your love into my body. You lifted an invisible weight off of me that day, an emotional one. I didn't even know it was there until you touched me. That's how I knew you were different, to me. That your touch wasn't strictly physical, that it reached into depths of my soul, that it soothed aches I’m not even fully aware of,” he pauses, drawing in a deep breath.

“You already know this, but I... I never really learned how to deal with sadness, because it all happens so suddenly with me. One bad thought always brings with it ten others and suddenly I am pulled into a pool of horrible feelings. But your hands keep me afloat until I’m ready to swim by myself again. I think... I think you understand my sadness more than I do. Maybe because you're a part of me, two halves of the same heart.” His voice softens at the last word, as unshed tears glimmer in his eyes.

“I hope, I pray, that my hands massaging your sore shoulders would also reach into your soul and heal its ache. And I know I might not make you feel better, instantly, or in a day, or the following one. But I promise that I won't ever leave, even if the bad times stretch forward. I'll be with you, patiently, just as you do to me. I may not understand myself fully, but I know that my soul was crafted to love you. Every atom in me is yours, and that is enough knowledge for me.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 seungmin ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

You take a step forward, brows knitted in concentration as you carefully readjust Seungmin’s black tie. Your hands then glide to his shoulders, smoothing the fabric of his suit. “Nervous?” You ask, and he responds with a subtle nod, planting a chaste kiss upon your forehead.

“Don’t be. It’s just me.”

“It’s never ‘just you’ to me.” He gently holds your chin, dainty fingers commanding a cascade of butterflies inside you. “Just look at me, okay?” You smile tenderly and he nods, taking a step backward.

Seungmin draws in a deep breath, eyes traveling over the entire room before finally settling on you.

“I’ve always liked math. I liked the security that numbers gave me, the exactitude of this science. Because one plus one equals two, and no change in our world, however grand it may be, could ever alter it. I liked things that I could grasp, that I could wrap my head around fully. Tangible rules and formulas. They were my safety net. Until you came into my life. You were the wildest variable I’ve ever encountered, and being near you made me crave things I’ve never known. You pushed me out of my comfort zone, but I wasn't afraid to fall into the unknown, because I knew you'd be there to catch me. So, you became my risks and paradoxically, my safety net, all in one.” He doesn’t look down at his paper- his kind eyes never leave yours, and you’re suddenly the only two humans existing in this world.

 “I remember a Tuesday night, two years ago. You slept over at my house, and we didn't do anything special. We just talked a lot, about everything and nothing, just saying whatever crossed our minds. And then you dozed off on my chest. You looked so... Peaceful in my arms, and I was surprised you weren't woken up by my wild heartbeat. Because I suddenly realized that I wanted a forever with you, right there and then.” You both step forward at the same time, hands reaching out blindly to hold one another.

“I’ve always found it a bit weird to crave something to last for a duration that we humans cannot grasp. Everything we know is ephemeral. Everything has a beginning and an end. So, I never really believed in forever, until you. Forever exists because I can't see myself ever not loving you,” a faint hiccup courses through him, as he looks up at the sky- an earnest attempt to stop his tears from falling. It is useless, because once he looks at you again, emotion overtakes him, rippling from him in waves.

“Even- even when we're both no longer here, and my body can no longer contain my soul. Even if I only roam in space eternally, as a small speck of light, my destination would always be you, because my love for you would be the only thing my soul would remember. The core foundation of my being, the essence of who I am is my love for you, and even if everything around me fades, the love for you will stay.” His forehead presses onto yours, a last whisper, only meant for you- “My eternity is you.”

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 jeongin ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

Jeongin's lips graze the inside of your wrist, right where your pulse dances in fervor- for him alone. He looks self-assured, as he lets go of your hand to take out a paper from his pocket. But there is a faint blush tainting his cheeks; it travels down his neck when he clears his throat.

“Baby,” he starts, voice hoarse from barely hidden emotion- the notes of it settle inside your heart. “I don't know where we will be many years down the road, or what we will be doing. But I know that there are things that won't change between us. I know that I’ll listen to all your rants about your favorite show, and I’ll buy you ice cream when you're craving it at 3 a.m. I will still buy two bottles of my shampoo because you love to use mine more than yours. And I like it when you carry a part of me with you, even in such a subtle way. I will still give you my jacket, even when you insist you aren't cold, but I can tell, because I know you. I will...” He sucks in a deep breath, as his vision grows blurry from the tears in his waterline.

“I will make you coffee in the morning, exactly how you like it, down to how many ice cubes you use. I will warm up your towel as you shower and I will fold your laundry because I know you hate doing it. And I- I will hold your hand when we cross the road, and in crowded places, and in the lines of every coffeeshop we’ll go to. I will run my fingers down your spine when you're about to sleep, and I will-” Jeongin's tears splatter across the paper, smudging its black ink. His lips are quivering, as the paper shakes in his hands.

“I will kiss your tiny bruises and remind you to breathe on- on days where...” Jeongin crumples the paper in his hand as he finally looks at you. He’s crying, a stream of tears trailing down his cheeks like a floodgate that isn't planning on stopping. “On days where it seems impossible to.” He finishes, the words he's written long forgotten by him. He didn't need to read them when he had you in front of him- the sole holder of his love.

“And I will hug you tight on nights when your sadness feels bigger than what your body can contain. And when words don't seem to make sense in your head, I’ll- I’ll listen to you, I’ll understand you, I’ll learn you. And I will love you. I will love you and I’ve loved you and I love you. And I- I wish there was a word bigger than love to describe how I feel for you. Because four letters never seem enough when it comes to you. But I am yours, body, heart, and soul. Wherever you go I follow. Till the ends of the earth, I'll be there.”

[the-dalseum-duet]

@svwhssftr

oh god satis is making bad plot AND life decisions again

she’s referring to herself in third person too!! in her pen name to dodge all responsibility! scary scary shit

look. @svwhssftr I’m going to need you to read this entire post like i am a sinking my nails into your shoulders and staring deep into your eyes. this is my evil scientist monologue. i have been method acting for The Sharpest Lives of Shiver and Murder for too long. Wearing my vans and baggy pants and dark eyeliner when I can. Listening to nothing but music pre-2009 with the exception of a random song here and there. I am in every sense becoming a true #emo. how else am i supposed to explain that I’m unironically listening to cobra starship.

idk if other writers do this but i do method act. for my projects. like i will dress slightly different and change my behavior depending on which character/scene I’m focused on for usually around week at a time. this might be autism this might be commitment we may never know

but i am holding myself back. i haven’t been writing because… forced to lock in… but also I need a silly distraction right now so bad. I’m losing my shit as you have seen. I need a savior and my savior is in the form of a trashy 2000s au.

I need your permission to fuck these bitches up. I did this before and it ended in sheer utter fucking disaster. We already have one plot line inspired by Pretty Little Liars but I need to fully commit to the WHAT THE FUCKery that is about to ensue. You’ve already seen some fucked shit (shoutout to Kai stating that he would watch Noeul rape Charlie’s dead body just for the fun of it. really loved writing that) but that’s like… so outlandish that it’s stupid. He’s a government official of course he’s going to be immoral. But I know you’re fine with me fucking around w Kai because he’s kinda written to be that way. He’s a bitchass fucker (affectionate). But Mako is our sweet angel baby. I see a darkness in him though. I see things I never wanted to see. And I have to unleash it diva I need to free him. I have no evil plans at the moment (outside of the next chapter which is really predictable despite one ridiculous thing he says that is quickly turned around) but I can’t guarantee that it won’t spiral after that.

I need you to know that I do not condone any of what is about to happen. But damn it. Trashy 2000s teen drama plots are so fun to write and consume because they’re so absurd. I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about rn but I just felt the need to let you know. And get your blessing to put these little guys in some Situations. If you want a sneak peek at some of the things I have in mind. Don’t worry. I have a time period accurate playlist completed for Shiver n Murder. Interpret the songs and their placements however you wish

this is the link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1TRXqUGa4xaa5d0EQqfyYP?si=rEfYrUY6R8mGL3pBjDHtpw&pi=DayKmpzrQiy2Q

[theywantedplayer]

Master list

PromptList

AN-this is longer than what I usually do I hope yall fuck with it since I haven't been writing lots bc I got exams in 2 weeks fm

You started noticing Nico acting differently—not just on the ice but also when it was just the two of you at home. He always had a nurturing attitude, which his teammates liked to tease him about by calling him "Mother Nico." He was always a caring and intuitive guy, picking up around the apartment even though you knew he had a stressful schedule during the NHL season.

He handled it all well, balancing everything quite skillfully. You’d often hear stories from your friends who were dating other players on the team about how their boyfriends always prioritized hockey, but Nico wasn’t like that.

Then, around the winter months, things started to change. He seemed slower, quieter, and less talkative like a dark cloud constantly hung over him. The Devils weren’t performing as well in the standings as usual, and Nico took it personally as the captain. He acted like the team’s struggles were entirely his fault, carrying the weight of it on his shoulders.

Nico had always been your rock. He let you talk to him about anything that was bothering you, offering a listening ear and unwavering support. But as the winter months set in, you started to realize that the dynamic only seemed to go one way. You could sense something was troubling him, but he never opened up about it.

Little things began to slip. He forgot whose turn it was to make dinner, skipped doing the laundry, or left the dishes undone—things he’d always been on top of. At first, you didn’t mind picking up the extra load, understanding how stressful the season must have been for him. But as October came, you decided it was time to bring it up. You never expected his reaction.

"I’ve noticed you’ve been off, and I’m worried about you," you finally said, folding laundry on the dining room table. Your voice was calm but firm, wanting to make your concern seen.

"What makes you say that?" he replied, his gaze fixed on the TV.

Your eyes flickered between him and the screen. He was watching SportsCenter, listening to reporters make critical and unsupportive remarks about the Devils' performance. It was clear their words had struck a nerve

“Well, you haven’t been picking up around the house lately, and you’ve just been quieter. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay,” you said as you folded his t-shirts.

Truthfully, you didn’t mind picking up more around the house. You’d always told Nico he didn’t need to do as much as he did, but he always insisted. Still, as you tried to talk to him, it felt like walking on landmines. He was so quiet, and you were afraid he might explode at any moment.

“Seriously?” he said coldly, finally turning his head toward you.

“You know I don’t have a problem with you not doing housework. You just haven’t been yourself lately,” you said, trying to keep your tone gentle. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“If you don’t have a fucking problem with it, then why are you bringing it up?” he snapped, his tone ice-cold.

A heavy sigh escaped your lips. You could feel where this conversation was headed. Setting down the hoodie you’d been folding, you rested your hands on the table and turned to look at him. His expression was unreadable, and that familiar resting bitch face of his—the one that intimidated people who didn’t know him—made you hesitate for just a moment. You knew it wasn’t truly who Nico was, but even now, it unsettled you just a little. Seeing someone who was always the sweetest and more caring one in the room suddenly has the face of one who at first glance didn't seem like it was a shock, but you always knew your boyfriend and knew that wasn't true.

“Nico, I’m not trying to start anything,” you said softly. “I just know something’s wrong, and you won’t even fucking talk to me about it.” you regretted the swear as soon as it left your mouth knowing it seemed like a push to him.

“Because I don’t need to,” he stated flatly.

You sighed again, frustration and worry bubbling inside you. Nico was the guy who always told everyone else they could talk to him, but he never talked to anyone about his stuff even rarely at times with you.

“Well, I think you do,” you said, your voice firmer this time as you locked eyes with him. You weren’t trying to start a fight, but you couldn’t let this slide. “I think talking about it would really help. You’ve been so quick to anger lately, so quiet, and I’m worried about you. You can talk to me. Why do you feel like you can’t?”

You noticed the slight clench of his jaw before he responded. “I have a lot of shit going on. I’m sorry if I’m not picking up around the house anymore. Just leave it alone,” he said, his tone laced with annoyance. “Just leave me alone.”

With that, he turned his body and full attention back to the TV. You opened your mouth to speak again, but he turned up the volume at the same time. Whether it was intentional or not, it sent a clear message: he wasn’t continuing this conversation. And as much as you knew it needed to happen, you didn’t have the energy to force it either.

About a month later, near the end of November, you could tell things had only gotten worse. The Devils were in the middle of a six-game losing streak, and it was eating at Nico. The frustration came to a head after a particularly brutal loss—shut out by Vegas, 5–0.

The walk back to the car was painfully silent. The only words Nico said as he handed you the keys were, “You drive.”

You nodded wordlessly, slipping into the driver’s seat and starting the car. The drive home, which should’ve been 20 minutes, stretched to nearly 45 because of post-game traffic. Normally, after a tough game like this, Nico would vent to you—sharing ideas for new plays or strategies to motivate the team. But tonight, he sat in the passenger seat, staring blankly at the sea of brake lights in front of you.

At every red light, you glanced over at him, silently checking in. He didn’t say a word, but you could see the storm brewing in his mind. This wasn’t just a bad game or a bad week; it was months of mounting pressure. He wasn’t himself anymore, and you knew he was close to breaking.

When you finally pulled into the parking garage of your apartment building, you turned off the car and opened your door. “Come on, Nic, let’s just go to bed,” you said gently, stepping out.

You expected to hear the passenger door open, but instead, there was silence. Turning back, you saw him still sitting there, unmoving. His hand hadn’t even reached for the door handle. It was like he hadn’t even heard you.

You walked around to the passenger side and opened the door, crouching down slightly to meet his eye line. “Nico,” you said softly, your voice laced with concern. “Let’s go inside.”

You could see it—the weight of everything he’d been bottling up for months. The pressure, the expectations, the emotions he refused to show. He was on the verge of breaking, and you just wanted to help him before he shattered completely.

He was too prideful.

But still, you were met with silence. You reached out and softly grabbed one of his hands resting in his lap, giving it a gentle squeeze. You tried to pull him out of the car, but he pulled his hand back, holding yours tightly in both of his. He stared down at your hands, his thumbs brushing softly over your skin. You sat there, unsure of what to say, just trying to comfort him in the smallest way possible. In two years of dating, you’d only ever seen Nico shut down like this once before—after the Devils' playoff run in 2023.

Finally, he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. “What the fuck is going on?”

You couldn’t tell if he was talking to you, to himself, or to no one at all. His voice wavered, trying to hide the emotion threatening to break through. It pained you—he’d seen you cry countless times, about everything from stress to happiness, but he still couldn’t bring himself to let you see him like this.

“I know it’s tough,” you said softly, squeezing his hand again.

“It’s more than just fucking tough,” he said, his voice rising with frustration. “We’ve been playing like shit, and there’s nothing I can do. The reporters are tearing us apart, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix them. I don’t know what the fuck to do!”

His voice cracked, but he kept going, the dam finally breaking.

“In the locker room, on the ice—everyone looks at me like I have all the answers. Like I’m supposed to solve all our fucking problems. But I don’t. What kind of captain can’t even fix his team?”

“It’s not your job to fix your team,” you said plainly, your voice steady.

For the first time since the game, he looked up at you, and your heart broke at the sight. His big brown eyes glistened, tears pooling just at the edge, threatening to spill over.

“I’m the captain, Y/N,” he said, his voice shaking. “It is my job. It’s my responsibility to keep the team together, to make sure we don’t fall into shit like this.” His eyebrows knitted together in frustration, and he shook his head, as if rejecting your words outright.

“You’re putting too much pressure on yourself,” you said gently. “You’ve been doing that for years.”

“Pressure?” he scoffed bitterly. “If it’s not me putting it on, it’s everyone else.”

Your expression softened, and you brought your other hand up to run your fingers through his damp hair. “If you’re the one putting it on yourself, then you can also take it off,” you said quietly. “I’m right here, Nico. I’ve been telling you that since the day we met. If you’re feeling anything—everything—you can talk to me.”

He shook his head again, looking up at you with so much guilt it made your chest ache. “I can’t do that to you. You’ve got enough going on with school and exams. I can’t be one more thing.”

“That’s bullshit,” you said, sighing. “I love you. Nothing is more important to me than you. Keeping all this bottled up is only making it worse, Nico. You need to let it out. Talk to me.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, but his eyes softened as you wiped away a single tear that slipped down his cheek.

“But I’m the captain. People are supposed to look up to me and lean on me. It’s my job to take care of everyone else,” he said weakly.

“Yeah, and it’s my job to take care of you,” you said firmly. “I knew what I was signing up for when we got together. Dating a pro athlete comes with challenges that most people don’t face, and I knew it’d be hard sometimes. But Nico, you make it so easy to love you. The only thing that makes this hard is that you don’t talk to me when you’re struggling. I want to be your rock, too. I want you to come to me, vent for hours if you need to, cry if you need to. I just want to help you.”

A shaky sigh escaped his lips, and his voice cracked as he said, “I feel like I have to hold it together all the time. Half the time, I’m not. If we’re losing, I feel like it’s my fault. If I can’t lead us to a win, what kind of captain does that make me?”

“You’re playing fucking hockey, Nico,” you said bluntly. “You’ve been doing this your whole life. You know what you’re doing, and you know what your team needs. But it’s not your job to fix everything. They’re grown men with their own shit going on. The best thing you can do is be there for them, support them. But you can’t carry the whole team on your back.”

A bitter laugh left his lips. “Everyone thinks we’re a shit team right now. We’re getting blown out almost every game.”

You smiled softly, glad to see the tension beginning to leave his shoulders as he let everything out. “Don’t you think Quinn felt like that, too?” you asked.

His brows furrowed in surprise at the mention of his friend's brother.

“He’s captain of the Canucks. They were a mess for years but look at them now. They’ve turned it around. People respect them because they fought through it. You will, too. You’re not the only one who’s ever felt like this. Why don't you try and talk to him about this, Quinn's a really helpful guy he's helping me so much, growing up he was the first person I'd go to"

Nico knew your history with the Hughes you guys grew up together and spent nights at the lake house together, even though Nico didn't know Quinn as well as he knew his energetic little brother, Jack,  he could tell from the few times that they've met that he was a great guy to go to for advice.  He honestly really liked Quinn,  one time during the summer during the off-season the Hughes family invited you and Nico to spend a couple weeks at the lake house with the original group. Being Cole, Trevor the Hughes brothers, and some other buddies from Michigan, Nico was a little nervous about going since he only really knew Jack, Luke and You but Quinn and Nico honestly gravitated towards each other and got along quite well, he introduced Nico to the rest of the group and everyone hit it off from there on.

and during one of those nights at the lake house he and the eldest brother were sitting out by the fire when everyone was inside they ended up having generally deep talk and confided in each other about being captains of a team at a very young age. At the time Nico barely knew Quinn this was really the first time he was actually able to sit down and fully get to know the young defenseman but still he talked to him knowing they shared the same worries and since then they've always kept in contact.

Everyone always loved it when New Jersey played Vancouver because they called it the "Hughe's Bowl" since the three brothers were playing on the same ice against each other for the first time in a long time. Nico always looked forward to that since usually after those games if Vancouver wasn't heading back that night Nico and the three brothers would go out and always get a beer together. 

 Nico could slightly feel his face heat up with embarrassment. not about opening up but about not doing it sooner.  he loved you and he knew you always wanted the best for him so he just felt stupid for not realizing that sooner and trusting someone with his problems but it wasn't just somebody it was you 

He was quiet for a moment, processing your words. Then, unexpectedly, he let out a deep laugh. You blinked in surprise at the sudden shift, squeezing his shoulder gently.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m an idiot,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “I’ve been sitting on this for months, and after less than ten minutes of talking to you, I already feel better. No wonder you were pushing me to open up.”

You laughed with him, relief washing over you as he climbed out of the car and pulled you into a tight hug. He buried his face in your neck, his arms wrapping securely around you.

“Thank you,” he murmured into your skin, holding you close.

You hugged him just as tightly, feeling the warmth radiating from his body after the game. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Nico. And I need you to know you can always talk to me about anything.”

He pulled back slightly to look into your eyes, his own still glistening but now softer. He just saw you prove that too. him but he really needed to hear you say it. He kissed you gently, then rested his chin on your head, pressing a kiss to your hairline.

“Let’s go to bed,” he said with a soft laugh. “I’m fucking tired.”

[fuckyeahisawthat]

“I don’t think that is what God wants. And I don’t think you want it either.”

This line of Aziraphale’s in the Job minisode keeps sticking out to me. Because this is the heart of the problem, right? This is how Aziraphale can see Crowley so completely and also not at all.

Because yes they suck at open communication and yes it’s because they had to hide their relationship for thousands of years and have so so so much trauma and fear to work through. But ALSO they actually do have a profound difference in how they see the world that keeps coming between them, and it’s not just theoretical but deeply personal to both of them.

Because Aziraphale still wants to believe that God is good. He can’t let go of that because his whole identity is wrapped up in being an angel of the Lord, and if God’s not good then what has he been doing for his entire existence?

And so when bad things are happening he falls back on This cannot be what God wants. The whole of season one, he refuses to believe that God could really want the world to end—even though we now know he knew this was a possibility before the world even started. He keeps going up the chain of command, trying to find someone to intervene. “That’s why I’m going to have a word with the Almighty and then the Almighty will fix it.” As if God doesn’t have all the information or hasn’t been paying attention.

And really, the events of season one reinforce this worldview for him. Because if the Archangel Fucking Gabriel isn’t sure what God wants, then maybe God did want them to stop Armageddon. Maybe it was Aziraphale and Crowley who were doing God’s work after all.

He’s gotten as far as realizing that Heaven’s orders are not the same thing as God’s will, but he still hasn’t detached the concepts of Good and Right from God in his worldview.

Crowley is a good person who does the right thing so he must still be an angel deep down. “I know the angel you were.” The only way Aziraphale can conceptualize Crowley saving Job’s children is, “Come on, you’re a little bit on our [God’s] side.” So Crowley’s fall was a mistake; Crowley belongs in Heaven, where he was so happy before the Fall. Why wouldn’t he want to be an angel again? And yeah maybe Heaven sucks now but God is still good, so there’s hope that the system can be reformed with a change of leadership, and Heaven can be made to actually do good, the way God always intended.

But that’s not how Crowley sees the world at all. He is operating with an entirely different understanding of reality. Because he figured out a long time ago (at least by the time of the Job job, but probably long before that) that you can’t base your sense of morality on what you think God wants. Not just because you don’t know for sure, but because sometimes God’s plans are fucking awful. God in Good Omens is not kind to Her creations. She doesn’t tolerate questions or doubts or disobedience. She’s capricious, turning on the creatures She made and killing a bunch of them when She’s in a bad mood. She punishes indiscriminately and disproportionately. She wagers human lives like gambling chips. The kids were supposed to be dead no matter who won the bet.

I think it’s interesting that Crowley is the one who introduces the idea in season one of “What if the Almighty planned it like this all along? From the very beginning.” That’s probably a comforting thought to Aziraphale, soothing his anxieties about going against Heaven right when he is feeling acute distress at the idea of no longer having a side. (And, in that particular moment, no longer even having a bookshop.)

But it’s not a comforting thought to Crowley. Have you seen what happens when God has a plan for you? It fucking sucks. Woe betide you if you’re the Barbie God decides to play with today. (At bare minimum, you’re coming back with some burn marks and a weird haircut.)

I’ve brought up the line “There are no right people. There’s just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us” before, and I tend to focus on the “there are no right people” part. But also, there’s just God.

Aziraphale tends to draw a distinction between God’s will and Heaven’s orders when it suits him, and collapse that distinction when it doesn’t. Crowley almost never differentiates between God and Heaven. There’s just God, and She’s not going to explain why this is happening or listen to pleas for mercy (although Crowley still tries). You can’t trust Heaven or Hell, and you can’t count on God to show up and make everything all right. Sometimes God is in fact the reason that things are not all right. You’re on your own.

(And. Look. Crowley is right on this one. There are certainly aspects of their relationship where they’re both equally responsible for things being a shitshow, but the text is pretty unambiguous about Crowley, a demon, having the most accurate read on the nature of God in the world of Good Omens out of any of the metaphysical characters.)

Crowley rebuilt his entire sense of self, alone, after the Fall. He created himself anew and developed his own moral compass and sense of identity independent of both Heaven and Hell. “The angel you knew is not me.” When Crowley does the right thing, that’s not his angel-ness shining through; that’s just Crowley.

And from a like, trauma recovery point of view, it’s actually very healthy for him to have the realization that sometimes God’s just kind of a dick. He didn’t do anything to deserve getting kicked out of Heaven. None of them did. Just God messing them about because She didn’t like being questioned, or She wanted to see what would happen, or She needed two sides for Reasons and didn’t much care who was on one or the other, or She’s playing some fucked up little game for Her own amusement. (And if there was some Great Plan that required Crowley to fall…well, that is also fucked up. Because it doesn’t matter if there was a reason. It still hurt.)

And while Crowley in general is extremely patient with Aziraphale and his slow, halting journey away from Heaven…it’s gotta sting, every time Aziraphale doesn’t want to believe that God could be cruel, when Crowley is standing right fucking there. It’s gotta hurt when Aziraphale refuses to see something that Crowley knows to be true through his own lived experience. Because it should be enough. What happened to him should be enough to make someone who loves him walk away from Heaven and never look back. And it isn’t.

But of course Crowley is one hundred percent not going to talk about this, if he is even fully self-aware about having these thoughts, because it’s far too painful and vulnerable. (He talks to plants, goats, God, and no one in a bar at the end of the world, but never to Aziraphale.) And so he says “Tell me you said no” and “I think I understand a lot better than you do” because he can’t say Choose me. Just this once, choose me and he can’t say Believe me.

And Aziraphale is not going to think about all this and work it out for himself, because he has a massive lump of denial centered around exactly this thing, that sometimes God hurts people who didn’t do anything to deserve it. I’m sure he’s thought about the Fall in abstract terms, enough to be afraid of it, but not in terms of this is a thing that happened to a person I love. And he has certainly not allowed himself to draw any conclusions about the nature of God from it, because that is far too scary a prospect.

And so they’re stuck. Until they can figure out how to remove this massive landmine from the center of their relationship, they are going to keep having the same fight over and over again, and they’re going to keep hurting each other without fully understanding why.

[alphajocklover]

You have to help me! I've been trying to get free of this... place for a long LONG time. After some time I've been able to gain back some free will, but it's really hard. Right now, as my "physicall" me picked his phone at the gym between reps, I've been able to log on here and I saw what you published about the Retsam Mirror. You have to help me. I've been stuck in it for years. I was a nerd when i first fell by accident on the mirror and i got sucked in. I can't do this anymore. The new me is a honry bastard and he spends his time getting fucked in front of mirrors, a lot and a lot of them. My reflections are exponentials and i feel every single one of them. Oh fuck he just got a notification from HungDomTop11in. Help m................

A Retsam mirror. You found a Retsam mirror. Another Retsam mirror. For those of you who didn’t see my earlier post, a Retsam mirror is an incredibly rare magical artifact that lets a person switch places with their reflection, which essentially traps the person in their reflection and leaves a very suggestable copy in their place. It was weird enough to hear that one guy had encountered one of those that hadn’t already been shattered, but if what you’re telling me is true… then whoever trapped that poor guy has been trapping people in mirrors for much longer than we thought. I can only guess, and hope, that you were one of his earliest victims. I know you said you fell in but… if that was true then your other self wouldn’t have acted any differently than you. Someone had to have pushed you in, and then used your reflections malleable state to change them. I have to say, as horrified as I am by all of this… I’m also kind of impressed. Not with the jerk who's been trapping people, but with you. It takes a lot of willpower to keep your mind intact while in a reflection. Most people lose themselves in it, not having the ability to choose their movements but still feeling everything. Yet what’s even more impressive is the fact you were actually able to take back control for a bit. From what I’ve heard, that's supposed to be impossible. For you to do that… It's truly incredible. I’m just sorry that it might not be able to help save you.  As far as I know, there isn’t a way to get out of a Retsam mirror, at least not on your own. Either your reflection would have to willingly swap back, which seems unlikely, or the guy who pushed you in would have to switch you again, which seems even less likely. I’ve been looking into ways to help get people out of Retsam mirrors since I first heard they were back, but I haven’t found much yet. So I’m afraid that, for the time being, you’re stuck there.

Don’t give up hope though! You’ve managed to do more than anyone else in your position has. Not to mention, the information you’ve given me may be invaluable to figuring out how to save and protect people from Retsam mirrors. I’ve been messing with a spell that might allow me to use my own Retsam mirror to help people stuck in reflections, or at least communicate with them, so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this entire situation is horrible, but the reporter in me has to admit it’s kind of fascinating. It’s incredibly rare you get to talk to someone who's been inside a reflection, so I had no idea you could feel what was happening inside each and every reflection, even if you were reflected in multiple mirrors at once. That must be very overwhelming, especially if your other self is hooking up in front of mirrors. Feeling yourself get fucked by a a potentionally infinite amount of cocks all at once… As hot as that sounds it must be really intense.

Here's just hoping your other self doesn’t take advantage of it too much. 

[chukys-mouthguard]

sharpest tool

we were going right, then you took a left

featuring -> trevor zegras x female reader

genre -> angst

word count -> 1.1k

note -> i truly struggled writing this one, and I’m not entirely happy with how it turned out so i apologize if it is not my best. But i hope you enjoy? I am trying to get my writing back on track since I’ve been MIA 🤞🏼

-> short n’ sweet masterlist

Things had started in such an atypical way, yet somehow Trevor was still hanging around. You thought for sure that a chance encounter which led to a hook up would’ve ended there, but you were pleasantly surprised.

When Trevor invited you to a teammate's birthday party, you weren’t sure if you should accept at first. Nervous for what they might say or ask, you and Trevor not having put a label on things. Though he always said that with you, things felt different.

That birthday party turned into multiple parties, weekly date nights, spending the night at his place or him at yours. And while you still hadn’t put a label on things, you were confident in saying that Trevor was yours and you were his.

With Trevor being a professional athlete he’d often found himself navigating the pool of those who were interested in him for his status, and only ever finding a handful of girls who liked him for who he was away from hockey. But he’d thought he’d finally found his person in you.

You were everything Trevor could ever ask for. Supportive, selfless, so caring; it was easy for him to see that you weren’t just hanging around for his money or fame. He’d not experienced someone like you that could put him in his place while also putting up with his shit. He wondered how he’d gotten so lucky. A random night out led to you coming back to his place, and he couldn’t let you go from that night on.

As he’d begun navigating the new found feelings, he was now in a position of questioning from his friends and teammates. Were you his girlfriend? What was his status? And it made him unsure as this wasn’t a situation he’d yet been in during his young career. While he enjoyed what things were, he was afraid of labels. Thinking that by taking the step, it would change everything. But he never shared these fears, simply ignoring them.

However, ignoring those fears only made him begin to distance himself. No longer inviting you to parties, weekly date nights were kept to nights in. And while you assumed it was due to his schedule, you never thought to ask. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers or cause an argument over whether or not you were his girlfriend, despite it seeming obvious to you that you were.

Though now that Trevor was acting differently, you weren’t entirely sure.

And soon enough, the date nights ceased. And it had been over a week since you’d even gotten a simple text from Trevor. No explanation, nothing. And you wished you would’ve spoken up, raised the question when you had the chance to possibly prevent being left to pick up the pieces of the jumbled puzzle that you two were.

The idea of reaching out crossed your mind, but you didn’t want to seem attached or come across any type of way. Especially if he’d never seen your relationship as anything more than casual. But to sit around and question what the explanation was, also wasn’t fair to you.

You opted for texting his teammate, hoping that maybe he’d at least spoken to them about his decision making. Thankful that he’d introduced you to them multiple times that you knew any of them well enough to send such a random text.

But the response was nothing more than confusing. They’d said they had no clue what was going on either. Simply that Trevor had stopped mentioning you, as well as stopped inviting you to things. All of his teammates assumed you’d broken up or he was keeping things more private. Despite them all encouraging him not to lose you as they’d all thought you were perfect for him. However, the conversation only left you with more questions than answers, questioning why Trevor had taken such a harsh turn when things seemed to be going so right.

Figuring it was a stress for another day, you opted to scroll Instagram, let your brain wander and think about anything else for a bit. Watching reels of cooking, dogs doing funny things, liking the occasional post of a friend that caught your eye on your feed. Then opting to aimlessly click through stories, until you’d landed on one that you swore made your whole body seize up in shock. The range of emotions you’d felt in the ten seconds the photo was on your screen seemed almost impossible for one person to feel so quickly, yet you’d done it.

The image of Trevor, though his face not shown, you could spot his hair and tattoos anywhere. Arms wrapped around a girl you’d recognized as an ex of his, as they were waist deep in a pool at what you guessed was her house because it didn’t look familiar. You felt tears welling in your eyes but you fought it, not wanting to waste any on him after he’d strung you along rather than being man enough to end things if he wasn’t interested.

Though you knew it was best to leave it be, not respond or try to get the last word, you couldn’t help yourself. Feeling it was only right you got to say something since he’d shut you out for the last several weeks with no explanation.

Typing out a quick response to the post, you hit send. Immediately exiting the app and heading to take a shower.

Trevor finished off his beer before exiting the pool to search for his phone, finding it on a chair as he checked his notifications. Smiling at a group chat with the boys before heading over to his Instagram. The arms of his ex snaked around his waist as she kissed his back, urging him to get off his phone and head inside with her. Trevor’s focus on the message you’d sent him.

Guess I’m an idiot for thinking we were anything more than casual.

Trevor’s smile had faded as he saw the message, his heart immediately aching as he felt awful for that photo. He felt awful that he’d simply chosen to never talk to you about how he was feeling, simply distancing himself and ignoring it all. As if that was a solution. Now he’d been seen at his ex's house, clearly cozied up with her and he knew that broke your heart to see. It was dumb, and to say he didn’t regret it now instantly would be a lie.

His guilt was creeping in as he questioned whether or not he should respond. Should he call you? You’d probably blocked him by now. He was mentally cursing himself for not being man enough to talk about his feelings, letting the best thing to have ever come into his life go because of his stupidity and fears.

Grabbing his things he knew he had to fix this, or at least try. Hurrying to his car as he checked the time, knowing it was late but hoping somehow you’d be awake. Shooting a quick text, a simple hey, impatiently waiting as he started his car. His heart racing as he watched the word delivered soon change to read.

[londonfog-chan]

I Will Not Keep My Mouth Shut About this High School Romance Between Eddie Munson x Reader (Headcanons)

Why lord? Why are we not talking about this?

I’ve dated metalhead guys in the past, and believe in me when I say these fuckers move fast.

Eddie is no exception to this rule. He loves hard and quickly, especially if you’re into the same things he’s into as well.

I’m talking balls to the wall insanity like: the day won’t even be over and he’ll have already asked you out, kissed you, offered you weed, and secretly be planning the names of the four kids he wants with you.

Mans is delulu as fuck for you.

As much as he has his passions there’s just something about the fact that you actually gave the town freak unconditional love that makes him desperate. Corroded Coffin, Hellfire Club, he’d pick you over them any day if it meant he got to keep you.

Guarantee, you’ll already have gone all the way before the weekend is up of that first week of the relationship.

Cherry boy cherry boy cherry boy.

But he knows what he’s doing. It will have been awkward but the best part is now “Rainbow in the Dark” makes you feel all hot under the collar and “Shame on the Night” makes you laugh and reminds you of the awkward panic cleaning up after.

The epitome of live fast die young. He will throw his life away if you ask him to, so make sure you use your powers wisely.

At some point Eddie will ask you to run away with him. He doesn’t give a shit where, so long as it’s with you.

Shared interests are probably how the two of you met in the first place, especially if you’re like me and unable to beat the weird kid allegations. You drifted towards his club because you for whatever reason were an outcast too.

Eddie would probably crush on those who are conventionally pretty, popular, the epitome of the 80’s beauty standards. That’s just human nature. But with you… it’s so much more different.

You’re like his nerdy fantasies come to life, like the princesses he writes about in his campaigns that are a mix of dark, dangerous, able to hold their own and fight for him and with him. Think of if you will a sexy bombshell rotoscoped into those old metal music videos. Facing the world wearing only red lipstick and a cocksure expression.

He would get along so well with someone who wasn’t afraid to let their wild side show, or to express it. But at the same time if you’re more shy and reserved, he is determined to help you come out of that shell and be the best possible version of yourself.

It’s impossible not to match his excitable energy, it’s just so goddamn contagious. It might scare you how far you’re willing to go for Eddie and how quickly you might find yourself changing. Because believe me, you will change, and it will be for the better.

Eddie will always be your number one hype man.

He will literally be so excited about everything you do because it’s you! The person he loves more than anyone in this whole entire world.

Eddie will literally put up with so much for you. Even if you guys fight he will struggle to maintain his composure because he does not want to fuck this beautiful thing up.

Drives himself up the wall with anxiety about it too. But that’s the thing about Eddie’s dynamic with you: is that he will do what it takes to keep his fucking cool around you.

Your fights are infrequent but can get explosive if there are unsaid insecurities. So to avoid this: keep honest with him. About everything. Don’t lie to him, because as fast as he fell for you, lying is the quickest way to break his trust and send him packing.

One of his flaws in the relationship is that his insecurity that this will all go away will make him all that more prepared to leave if you have a massive blow up fight.

Like he’s already preplanned his exit strategy and everything.

But the longer you’re together, the more comfortable he gets and eventually he settles down from jumping the gun into taking things one day at a time.

He’s a fucking keeper. And all I’m gonna say is you better start training with swinging a blunt weapon because once you have him, you’re going to be right there in the Upside Down fucking up some monsters keeping them away from your man.

[thrill-seeker-vn]

Hello everyone. I have no idea how to start this post, but I want to start it as upfront as possible.

TLDR: My uncles shipped my sick grandmother to my home, and they called me to tell me only after she had already landed... when her visa was expiring very soon. And so obviously 1. My job was to keep her alive, and 2. I had to scrounge up money to send her to her home. It has been a very few stressful months. 

In between this, I hit a slump with writing, and felt very burnt out, as I had no time for it between work, trying to keep my grandmother alive, my own health, and my own business. I wish I could say I worked on Thrill Seeker in this time, but I simply couldn’t. I think a huge part of what was so daunting for me was only having myself to rely on and set the schedules, and in a way it came to be that there were lengths of time nothing could get done because there was simply no time in my life to do it. 

This is not meant to be an excuse as to why I was away from the blog for so long. It is simply what made me realize that I cannot continue alone on this project, as I would then be taunted by how much I would have to do that I would end up not being able to do anything at all. 

I was discussing this project with a friend of mine who has been beside me since I started this project, who I know shares my passion in making games, and who has rooted for me from the beginning. While I’m more interested in the storytelling, she’s incredibly fascinated with coding. During this time, we discussed perhaps making a game together-- but recently we got the opportunity to make that into a reality. 

Thrill Seeker is not ending, but rather, it will be changing format. I am so happy to say my incredible friend, Kismet (@kismet-dev), is going to be joining me to reform Thrill Seeker into a Visual Novel! She is one of my best friends and is the most organized person I know, so no more falling off the face of the Earth for me, because I’ve put a lot more planning into the game and now have someone to hold me to my schedules, too!

I understand that it could be disappointing to hear that I’m switching from an entirely text based format to a VN style. I apologize to anyone who is disappointed by this change. It’s been amazing the support I’ve gotten for this game and how many people have stuck to the project, even when I’ve been so flaky, and I want to thank you for sticking to the project when I haven’t been the most reliable developer. I am so grateful for your kindness to me, for all the people who have sent asks and been interested in my characters and story.

When I first created this project, it was just not a viable option for me to make a visual novel, as there would’ve been no chance I had the opportunity to create art, write, and code it. But creating the art for the game inspired me more than when I only had words to go off of, and many different concepts for the game that I had in mind were simply harder for me to make into reality on twine. Thanks to the absolute angel that is my friend Kismet, I will actually be able to create the vision for the game that I’ve seen in my head for the longest time. She’s an excellent programmer and such a wonderfully organized and hard worker, and I know that I wouldn’t have anyone else by my side as we begin to make games together. 

I will be making some changes to this blog as I make it more cohesive for the VN, but I will also use it as an opportunity to organize this blog for those who are interested in knowing more about the characters, settings, etc. It’s a little unorganized and hard to find certain questions, and I’ll do my best to fix that! Note that this will mean that changes are coming to the characters, and pretty major ones. I know that many of the asks I answered in the past will no longer apply to the story as I’ve changed it, so I will be reforming it quite a lot. However, what will not change is the characters themselves; they will still be gender selectable, and their personalities will still remain similar; but I feel like some of my characterization of them has been shallow, and I’m going to be fixing that. 

The launch of the game as a visual novel, with the first chapter, will be coming in August. Thank you so much for reading all this and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

[arikashimorika]

Oooo. the Color Gang being so young means they've probably latched onto Alan as some sort of parental figure, not definitive, but it'd be there. Esp TSC, though bc Alan and TSC spend more time together esp when animating, TSC might encounter Noogai. Though it'd be unlikely to happen too often. But regardless, due to these varuous factors and how they dont have other bigger influences other than the internet and Purple and Mango, Alan's behavior is basically normal for em.

DJ living with Alan... Now im just imagining there just being a bunch of sticky notes around the house for Alan to see just in case Noogai kicks in and causes him to forget. Sometimes(atleast in my experience, may be diff for others with DID), My alters can like manifest as voices in my head, undefined. I do know its them bc only bc theyre distinct voices. However this applied to Alan...

Alan definitely thinks Noogai providing commentary is simpky his intrusive thoughts, especially with how violent those thoughts would be if theres conflict that violence can be used in.

Also, the thing about Purple and Mango, Purple would notice but likely takes abit longer, Mango on the other hand would kinda clock in that Alan's behavior is weird, not exactly that Alan has DID, but that Alwn's behavior is just. Off.

Theres also Chosen and Dark! If ever Dark survives in this AU or not, i think he'd be insulted Alan remembers Chosen but not him /silly. Althought their reactions would be kinda on diff ends, in the end they're both likely experiencing some whiplash with how DIFFERENT Alan is now compared to then(in their own eyes.), unaware of Noogai(for now...)

The one im fascinated by the most is Victim's reaction however. Like how would he feel if the man that tortured him for months on end was somehow also not the same man yet is? And that man doesnt remember him at times but other times he can. That the person he sees behind the screen either looks so kind or so cruel you'd wish you escaped sooner. Idk im rambling again! hehehe

Stupid Alan and Noogai doodles bc theyre so funny to me. Noogai abt to juggle the sticks like in that one short here /j

He has done nothing wrong ever (LIAR.)

Oh! I’ve seen that. Those poor little kids, Lol

Continuing with questions about DID!AlanAU

I see.. the relationship between Alan and the Color Gang as being similar to someone taking care of "a friend’s kid" (yes, I mean you. DadyDJ). Perhaps DJ just wants Alan to take a break from work and do something lighter for a change.

Even though, sometimes, the result turns out to be the complete opposite... lol

As for Sec, I think he’s like a character Alan hasn’t fully created yet (because he hasn’t been named). But somehow, Sec "came to life" on his own. It’s fun to imagine Alan opening Sec’s file only to discover that his name has already been set as "The Second Coming.exe – The Chosen One's Return." That would definitely leave Alan confused, wouldn’t it?

With Alan’s tendency to be forgetful... yes, DJ sticks reminder notes everywhere Alan might see them—on the whiteboard in his office, the fridge, even on his computer screen. But Alan always takes them down, finding the sheer amount of notes overwhelming and annoying.

---

As for TCO and TDL, I’m not entirely sure about TDL’s fate in the canon, but in this AU, I want him to be alive. It doesn’t seem fair for him to bear the consequences of everything, especially when part of the chaos stemmed from Noogai’s command codes.

After The Showdown

After clearing things up, TCO occasionally visits TSC (sometimes dragging TDL along to apologize for the chaos they caused).

Of course, Noogai tries to stop TDL from harming the Color Gang, but it usually fails (it's kind of like Noogai thinking, Only I get to mess with those kids!).

The Moment Alan Encounters TCO and TDL Again

*Alan introduces TCO to the Color Gang*

TSC: "So, did you create TDL too?"

*Alan looks at them with a confused expression* Alan: "Who’s TDL?"

*The room falls into silence*

TDL unable to hold it in, shouted : "What the HELL kind of joke is this? Are you Kidding me?!"

*DJ, who had been listening from a distance, knew the reason but wasn’t sure how to explain.*

As for TCO, he is indeed a quiet person. Even though he caused quite a bit of trouble when he was first created, perhaps that’s partly due to the influence of the name Alan gave him—who knows? And I think it would be amusing to see TDL sulking at Alan for not remembering him, even though, deep down, TDL is the kind of person who’s too stubborn to openly express his feelings.

Extra scene..

Before the AVM Introduction Scene

DJ was sitting at his desk, playing Minecraft while uploading a video to the AVG (Animators vs. Games) channel.

Alan walked over, glancing at the screen with curiosity.

Alan: "Hey, buddy. What game are you playing?"

DJ turned to Alan, looking utterly shocked before blurting out:

DJ: "What?! You know every drawing program out there, but you don’t know Minecraft? Where was your childhood, man?!"

Not letting Alan off the hook, DJ immediately made him download Minecraft and try it out.

Thoughts on Alan:

To me, Alan wouldn’t have much of an enthusiastic reaction to Minecraft. In his childhood, he probably couldn’t afford the equipment needed to play games. Or, perhaps he just didn’t care about games, choosing instead to spend his time learning and finding ways to create a career for himself.

Alan’s Situation with Purple and Mango

Alan accidentally encounters them about a week after The Showdown...

*Purple and Mango appear after being invited by the Color Gang and Orange.*

As Alan finishes his work and prepares to head to bed, following DJ's advice...

Alan: "Uh… Dude, did you make two more kids?"

DJ (walking behind Alan to check on things): "Excuse me, What?!"

Thoughts on Alan: From my perspective, Alan sees all stick figures as mischievous kids (Color Gang) or troublemakers (The Chosen One and The Dark Lord). He never bothers asking about the age or details of Mango and Purple at all. lol

Victim's reaction however..

In AVA 9 'Wanted'

After the events of The Showdown, TCO was issued a warrant by Rocket Corp, while TDL was recovering from the battle with TSC.

As both were being hunted by mercenaries, TDL was caught first, while TCO managed to escape and seek refuge with the Orange and Color Gang.

After TSC was dragged into the portal by TCO, the Color Gang quickly followed suit.

Alan, concerned about the kids, decided to implement the backup plan he had prepared with DJ since the events of The Showdown.

...And BOOM!!

The backup plan involved using VR to connect with an avatar that was created (of course, all the equipment and avatar design were done entirely by DJ himself—don’t even ask where he got all the materials from; it’s DJ™ business).

This could allow Alan to meet Victim directly, but their first encounter will likely confuse both the kids and Victim when they meet Alan in avatar form, as they have only known each other from the perspective of the cursor (to Victim). Furthermore, Alan has kept this a secret between himself and DJ (to Color Gang).

Of course, DJ has started to worry about Color Gang, who are always looking for trouble. He’s already lectured them, but did the kids learn their lesson? Nope!

[maximoffcarter]

Your type.

Pairings: Casey Novak x Alex Cabot.

Summary: Alexandra Cabot was known as the top of her class and the good girl of Law School. Casey Novak was known as the famous softball player and the tomboy of Law School. Both meeting each other at a coffee shop, both in different stages of their lives. Would it work?

A/n: I needed to do some kind of college au for our babies. I thought it was cute, so here is my creation of it hahaha. I dunnp if it's any good or not, but I enjoyed writing this, it's been a while since I've done a college au, they used to be my favorites before haha. Hope you guys enjoy this, leave comments, hearts, whatever you like and reblog so this gets some love🫶🏻

*not my gif*

Alexandra Cabot was top of her class. Many selfish and jealous people thought that she was the best just because she was a known person because of her last name. But the truth was that Alex was dedicated to school, she had always been, since she can remember; she spent her free days with books, she loved them. It wasn’t entirely a lie that her family had influenced her in getting into law school, but she was happy with her decision, and she was going to do anything to get to her goals, meaning, she wouldn’t let anything distract her from getting what she wanted. She was probably the only person in her class that didn’t go to parties or gatherings with her classmates, she didn’t go to the games the school held, she just focused on her studies. Did she regret it? Maybe. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have a social life, she had her friend, but she knew that university was not about parties.

For two whole years it stayed that way, nothing had changed her mind, and she was still very much focused on her studies; that was until her eyes landed on a redhead. One of her classes had gotten canceled, meaning she had 2 hrs free to do whatever she wanted; so she decided to finish homework she had. She had thought about going to the library, but she decided she’d go for a coffee near her building, and she’d spend the two hours there. This was a coffee shop that she normally visited every now and then when she wanted to be at the library, the coffee, and the food in there was really good, and the environment was actually calm, and it helped her concentrate on the things she had to do. But as she sat down in her usual spot and looked around, she noticed a redhead taking an order. She had never seen her here, clearly, because she’d remember that beautiful smile. For a moment she was too stunned by how beautiful she was, she had stared way too longer that she didn’t notice her friend sitting right in front of her.

“Alex?”

Alex snapped out of her thoughts and stared at her friend. “H-Hi! Sorry. I uh…when did you get here?”

Erin chuckled. “I’ve been here for like 3 minutes. How long have you been staring at the redhead?” She grinned as she got her notebook and book out of her bag.

“I- what do you mean?” Alex chuckled nervously. “I was not staring at anyone, just…a bit lost. Thinking what I’m ordering.”

“Uhuh…as if you never order the same, Cabot.” Erin chuckled. “But okay, I’ll believe you. What are you ordering?” She raised her brow.

Alex sighed as she grinned. “Black coffee and a chocolate croissant.”

Erin laughed. “See? Why is it wrong that I caught you staring at the redhead? She’s really pretty.”

Alex shrugged. “I have never seen her here before.”

“She hasn’t been here for long. I saw her the day I came to buy us coffee. I think I heard she’s a law student too.”

Alex raised her brow. “Law student?” She nodded. “I can actually see that.” She said almost in a whisper as she got her things out.

“Alexandra Cabot is getting interested in someone after two years.” Erin smirked.

Alex looked up and shook her head rapidly. “I- Erin no! I just- I was-“

“Hi ladies! My name is Casey, can I offer you anything to drink or eat?” Casey smiled at both of them and then her eyes landed on Alex’s.

Alex cleared her throat as she looked up at Casey, trying to talk but all of a sudden, she forgot how to do that. Erin wanted to laugh but cleared her throat too, getting Casey’s attention. “I’ll get an iced latte with sugar please. And to eat, I’ll just get a muffin.” She then looked at Alex. “Alex? What are you ordering?”

“I- uh…black coffee and a croissant, please.” Alex offered a shy smile.

Casey grinned as she nodded. “Comin’ right up.” She then walked away, but not before she turned to look at Alex again, offering a smile.

Erin laughed and threw her head back. “Oh my, I never thought I’d live to see the day of seeing Alexandra Cabot getting nervous for someone! So.” She looked back at Alex. “Is your type redheads?”

“Jesus, Erin, drop it.” Alex sighed as she covered her face, blushing. “Let’s just-“ she sighed as she looked back at Erin. “Let’s get this done, we have class, and we need to hurry.”

“Avoiding. It is true that you always learn something new from people.” Erin chuckled teasingly as she opened her book.

Alex bit her lip as she looked at Erin for a moment, and then she turned her head to look at Casey. She had come out to Erin just a year ago, admitting that she had always been attracted to girls, but she never said a thing because she didn’t think it was relevant, but when Erin asked if she wanted to go on a double date with some guys, Alex thought it would be good to let Erin know that she was not into guys. She was relieved when Erin accepted her and never judged her, it was the other way around, actually, she was pretty much trying to get a date for Alex in every possible chance, but Alex refused reminding her that she only cared about school and not some dumb romance in university. But now…she had to admit that maybe a little crush on someone wouldn’t hurt. She didn’t actually have a type, she didn’t know if she did. But until now, all she knew, is that Casey could be her type.

********************

Alex sighed as she tried to keep her mind concentrated in the book she had in front of her, she was studying for finals and Erin was supposed to meet her at the coffee shop so they could study together, but at the end plans had changed and now Alex sat at her same spot, trying to focus on her book and hoping to not get distracted with the redhead. She didn’t even know if she worked that day, but the last time she had been going to the coffee shop, Casey was right there, and even if there was someone else taking orders, Casey was always the one that took their order. What Alex had been trying to avoid had happened; she had accepted to herself that she had a crush on Casey. She had been trying to avoid it, she had been trying to not think about her, but it was impossible after learning that she was also a law student, she was in her first year, so it’s not like they’d ever have same classes, but she had caught her in the hallways every now and then.

How did she know about this? Because of course Erin was encouraging her crush. She teased her every possible chance she had. She had also found out that Casey was in the softball team of the university, and it honestly made sense with how beautiful her body was. Alex tried hard to not think about Casey and about the new information that Erin had provided her, but in the last 4 months, it was kind of impossible not to think about Casey. That smile, those eyes, that voice. Alex was now lost, and she knew it. There was no turning back from this, unless of course, she tried to get over it or she found out that Casey had a boyfriend or something, which could break her heart…break her heart was probably too much. But she would feel sad? She was confused to say the least. It was just a stupid crush. That was it. A crush.

“Alex!”

Alex looked up from her book and her heart stopped for a moment as she stared at Casey, who was smiling at her. “Casey…hi.”

“You remember my name!” Casey chuckled softly.

How could I not remember it? “Yes, I do.” Alex chuckled. “You’re not working today?”

“Oh, I worked earlier. But I have finals, so they let me leave early. I actually just finished my shift and was going to stay around to study.” Casey smiled as she looked at Alex’s book. “I take it that you’re also studying.”  

Alex looked down at her book and smiled. “Yes…I uh…I am.” She looked back at Casey. “I’m just reading again, I already studied.” She chuckled nervously.

“Well, I’ve heard that you’re top of your class, so I believe you’re more than ready for any exam.” Casey grinned.

“You’ve…heard about me.” Alex frowned as she smiled.

“A little, yes.” Casey smiled. “I’m sorry I don’t wanna take your time. I- oh! I brought you this.” Casey placed a coffee and a small bag beside it. “Some encouragement to study.” She grinned.

Alex looked at the coffee and the small bag and smiled. “Is that…”

“Black coffee and a chocolate croissant. You always order the same.” Casey smiled. “I’ll see you around?”

Alex nodded. “Hey…do you…maybe want some help with studying? You can sit with me if you want to.”

Casey smiled. “Really?”

Alex nodded again. “Sure.”

“I’d actually appreciate that.” Casey smiled as she placed her backpack on the floor and sat down in front of Alex.

Alex knew that this wouldn’t really help her crush, but at this point, who really cared about it? She was going down, bad, and she knew it. Casey had heard about her, she knew her name, she had even learned her order. And the funny thing was that the very first time she met Casey, she had brought her a plain croissant because Alex had not mentioned she wanted a chocolate one, but suddenly Casey started bringing her the right order, and now she learned it, and even if it seemed nothing, it was everything to Alex. But then her mind started playing tricks on her. Why would someone like Casey want to be with Alex? Even hang out with her? It was surprising enough that Erin was her friend, they were totally different but similar at the same time, but they were able to build a close friendship. But Casey, she was younger by two years, but why would she find any interest in Alex? She was probably just being friendly, maybe she just wanted to know people who were older to have some sort of help in school, but the reality was that Alex didn’t care. The thought of helping Casey and being able to spend time with her made her feel good. This was so wrong, but she didn’t care.

********************

“Where are we going?” Alex asked as she sighed, crossing her arms as she waited for Erin.

Erin smiled as she walked to Alex, closing her closet. “We’re going to a softball game.”

Alex frowned. “We never go to those, Erin.”

“Now we are.” Erin grinned as she handed Alex a shirt with the softball team logo.

Alex stared at it and then realized what Erin was doing. “Erin.” She looked up at her. “No.

“Alex. Yes.” Erin smirked as she threw Alex the shirt. “C’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

“You made me come all the way here so you can embarrass me and take me to a game. Casey’s game.” Alex grabbed the shirt from her shoulder, looking down at it.

“It’s just a game! You get to see Casey play. You’re gonna tell me you don’t wanna see her.” Erin smirked as she turned to grab the rest of her stuff.

Alex sighed as she took off her hoodie and put the shirt on. “You’re gonna pay for this.”

Erin laughed. “You’re gonna tell me you haven’t been spending more time at the coffee shop.” She turned to look at Alex. “Oh, wait. With Casey, actually.”

Alex frowned. “I…haven’t.”

“Oh, yes you have. I saw you two days in a row, sitting with her.”

“I was helping her study!”

“So you introduced yourself?” Erin raised her brows.

Alex cleared her throat as she looked down at her hoodie. “She heard about me and knew my name…” she whispered softly as she looked up at Erin.

Erin smirked. “Oh, someone’s got a crush on you.”

Alex rolled her eyes. “Can’t we just go? Please.”

Erin chuckled. “Fine, let’s go.”

As they got to the field, Erin tried to get them to good stands so they could get a perfect look of the game. Erin went crazy buying food and snacks, but Alex was truly nervous that she’d be seeing Casey playing. In one of their meetings, Casey had talked about her playing softball and the training she had, which meant that she barely had any time to do anything at all, between school, work and practice, her days were pretty busy. So the fact that she had stayed hours with Alex meant everything to her, even if they had been mostly studying the whole time. Alex looked around as she sat down, her eyes suddenly landing on the redhead who was stretching. Her breath hitched as she noticed the tight uniform and how it hugged her body perfectly; she wanted to give herself a slap as she was focusing on her body, which was definitely not right. Her eyes went back to Casey’s face, and to her luck, Casey was already staring at her, a smile on her face as she waved. Alex blushed slightly as she waved back, smiling back at her.

Eventually, the game finally started, everyone around them screaming and clapping for the team. She didn’t even know what was supposed to happen in the game, but she was willing to stay focused for Casey. Erin tried to instruct her what was happening, but even if she tried to listen to Erin, she really didn’t understand a thing. Finally, Casey put on her helmet and grabbed her bat, earning loud screams as she walked to her base. Alex’s eyes lit up as she looked at Casey, smiling as she positioned herself; she had seen some baseball games with her father before, and so far, she knew that Casey’s team was winning, and if she hit a…homerun? Something. They’d win the whole game. Or that’s what her mind made up. She couldn’t help but scream and stand up when Casey started running fast around all the bases, the whole crowd going insane screaming Casey’s name. Erin and Alex jumped and screamed together as Casey’s team surrounded to celebrate the win, everyone cheering for them and throwing food and water. Alex’s eyes focused on Casey for a moment, and her smile slowly faded as she noticed a girl hugging Casey and placing her hand on Casey’s cheek, leaning in to kiss her cheek. Alex cleared her throat and looked at Erin, offering a small smile as her heart sank.

Alex had asked Erin if they could already leave, not wanting to stay there anymore, even if it meant that they’d lose the celebration and the team. Erin had drunk a lot of soda and water, so Alex was waiting for her outside the restrooms, wrapping her hoodie around her waist and crossing her arms as she looked around. A bunch of people kept celebrating and screaming, running around, and jumping. Alex never understood sports, and she couldn’t believe that Erin had convinced her to come just to have her heart hurt at the sight of another girl kissing Casey. She sighed softly, rubbing her face, and groaning softly.

“Alex!”

Alex uncovered her face and her heart stopped for a second as she saw Casey running to her. “Hey.”

Casey smiled widely as she stood in front of Alex. “Hi. I’m so glad I caught you. I wanted to say hi since I saw you at the start of the game.”

Alex cleared her throat. “Oh. Uh. Well hi.” She smiled. “Congratulations, by the way. Good game.”

Casey chuckled as she looked at the ground for a moment. “Thanks.” She looked back at Alex. “I didn’t think Alex Cabot was a sports girl.”

Alex huffed a laugh. “I am not.” She shook her head. “But uh, my friend Erin, she dragged me here. I’m waiting for her so we can go.”

Casey nodded. “Oh, got it.” She smiled. “Hey, uh. So…later we’re throwing a small celebration party, since this was the last game of the season. I was wondering…if you wanted to come.”

Alex stared at Casey for a moment, thinking that maybe she had heard wrong. “Uh…a party?”

“Yes.” Casey smiled. “I mean I don’t normally go to these parties, but you know, we won, thought it could be fun for once. I don’t really have to work tomorrow so. And I was actually going to call you, you saved me a phone call.”

Alex smiled softly. “So…even if I didn’t come…you were going to invite me?”

Casey shrugged. “Why not?” She grinned.

Alex nodded. “I uh…well, I don’t normally go to any parties. I don’t…really get invited but uh-“

“We’re definitely going!” Erin said as she walked out of the restrooms, smiling at Alex and then at Casey. “That’s if I’m invited too? If not, I’ll drop of Alex.” She grinned.

“Of course! I mean, the team is inviting a lot of people so.” Casey chuckled. “So, yes?”

Alex looked back at Erin and then at Casey, smiling as she nodded. “Sure. Where?”

Casey’s smile widened. “Uh…Tina’s house. Back Bay area, there’s going to be a big sign outside the building, so you won’t miss it. I can call you later and tell you the right address.”

“Sounds good.” Alex smiled.

Casey nodded. “Alright, I’ll see you then. Bye Erin.” She smiled before she walked away.

Erin’s mouth opened in surprise as she turned to look at Alex. “Alexandra Cabot going to her very first university party! Oh my! We gotta find you a perfect dress!”

Alex rolled her eyes as she sighed, turning to look at Erin. “Don’t get too excited, Er. I think I saw a girl kissing Casey’s cheek.” She started to walk, trying to hide the excitement she felt.

Erin frowned. “Oh, c’mon, Alex.” She followed her. “That doesn’t mean anything! I kiss you on the cheek too, doesn’t mean we’re dating.”

“I know but…” Alex scoffed. “Why would Casey Novak be interested in someone like me? Like seriously. I’m older than her, I’m…literally a nerd.”

Erin raised her brow. “You do realize that it’s obvious that younger people are fascinated by people of our ages. Plus, it’s two years. And!” She jumped in front of Alex to stop her. “You’re not the only nerd. Casey is top of her class.” She grinned.

Alex frowned. “What?”

“Uhuh. Laura was telling me the other day. We go to the same hair salon, and she was talking about how Casey was the smartass in their class. So her asking you to help her study? Yeah, that was definitely just to spend time with you, Cabot.” Erin smirked.

Alex shook her head as she tried to hide her smile. “Okay…even if she wanted that. I still don’t think she’d be interested in me.” She shrugged. “So…this. The party? It’s just a party and that’s it.”

Erin rolled her eyes. “If you say so. But. We’re still gonna dress you nicely. Comfortable. But nicely. If Novak doesn’t lay eyes on you tonight, we’re getting you someone else. Maybe we can get another redhead.” She smirked.

“Fine.” Alex grinned as she rolled her eyes.

********************

“You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you?” Alex asked as they walked to the house, looking at Erin.

Erin looked back at Alex and smiled. “I believe you’ll leave me at some point. But no, and if you want to go, we can go. Promise I won’t drink much.” She chuckled.

Alex sighed as she nodded. They walked inside the house and Alex was pretty surprised to find a big crowd, the music was a bit loud and there was barely any lights. Erin took her hand so they wouldn’t get lost in the crowd, trying to get to the middle of the house or somewhere where they could actually move and hear each other. They finally got to what seemed to be the living room, people were dancing and drinking, some were playing with the cups, some were making out. So this is what a university party was like, Alex was really not missing anything, this was just a mess and they seemed horny teenagers. In every single part, there were about 2 or 3 couples just making out. She thought that she only saw this in movies but no, it was pretty much real, and she was sure more people were upstairs, and she did not want to figure out what they were doing up there.

As she looked around the room, she saw Casey’s team gathered around in a corner, laughing and with drinks in their hands, and then there was Casey right in the middle. She smiled softly but then her smile fainted again as she saw the girl from earlier right beside Casey, her arm wrapped around her shoulder. Alex knew she had no point in getting jealous, but she was. But then Casey’s eyes landed on her, and Alex swore her smile widened as she saw Alex; she didn’t know if she had imagined it or not, but Casey’s eyes traveled down her body, and she nibbled on her lip as she started walking to Alex; she was thankful that she had let Erin dress her, Alex normally liked wearing nice clothes, but the skirt and the blouse along with the long boots that Erin had picked for her, were showing a little too much, but if that was getting Casey’s attention, then she didn’t mind one bit.

Her breath hitched as Casey got closer to her, her eyes also traveling down Casey’s body; Erin had joked before about Alex being into girls that didn’t exactly dressed girly, she had now seen Casey wearing her softball uniform, she had seen her wearing a skirt with a blazer for a presentation, her work uniform, and casual Casey. Party Casey looked like those girls from movies who were the ones that ruled over people, with a leather jacket, jeans and boots, and Alex couldn’t skip the shirt she was wearing, that showed Casey’s cleavage.

“I thought I’d have to call you to make sure you were coming.” Casey grinned as she stood in front of Alex. “You look nice.” She whispered softly but enough for Alex to hear her.

Alex chuckled nervously as she blushed. “You look nice too.”

Erin cleared her throat as she smiled at both women. “I’ll see myself out for a bit.” She grinned as she walked away, going to Casey’s friends.

Casey chuckled. “Can I offer you a drink?”

“I uh…I actually don’t drink that much.” Alex bit her lip as she looked at Casey.

“Oh, such a good girl, Cabot.” She grinned. “They have nonalcoholic drinks too. We can go to the kitchen to check.” Before Alex could answer, she grabbed her hand and pulled her to the kitchen, walking through the crowd.

Alex tried to stay as calm as possible, and then thought that a drink wouldn’t hurt, it could actually help her calm her nerves. Once they got to the kitchen, she stood close to Casey and smiled. “Actually, a drink wouldn’t hurt.”

Casey turned to look at Alex and smiled. “I can mix some vodka with soda or juice so it’s not too strong.”

“Whatever you drinking.” Alex grinned.

Casey couldn’t help but stare into her eyes, grinning softly. “You look beautiful with or without glasses, you know?”

Alex’s breath hitched again as she stared into green eyes. “Your eyes are beautiful.” She smiled.

Casey bit her lip as she smiled. “Thanks.” She then cleared her throat as she grabbed the drinks she was going to mix and two cups.

Alex looked around trying not to stare too much at Casey, and noticed Erin staring at her, a smirk on her face. She shook her head, a quiet laugh leaving her lips. She returned her stare to Casey once she saw her raising the cup and handing it to her. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Casey smiled as she grabbed her own drink and took a sip of it. “So, is this really your first party?” She leaned over the counter.

“You said it, I’m a good girl.” Alex smirked as she huffed a chuckle. “I uh…I focus a lot on school. I rather keep myself busy with studying or with books.” She shrugged. “I don’t know…I was just never an extrovert.”

Casey nodded. “I get that. I mean…these parties can get pretty crazy.” She chuckled. “I normally don’t come to these, and if I do, I literally leave early.”

Alex tilted her head. “I thought you were one of those athletic girls that liked to party and be a heartbreaker.” She grinned. “But I heard you’re also sort of a nerd.”

Casey blushed slightly as she looked at Alex. “I uh…I mean…yes, I just.” She huffed a chuckle. “Who told you?”

“Oh, a little bird.” Alex smirked. “So, you asking me for help…?” She raised her brow.

Casey shrugged. “Maybe I just…wanted to have an excuse to talk to you.” She grinned as she tilted her head, green eyes never leaving blue ones.

Alex knew she was probably blushing, but she couldn’t look away from Casey, she could stare at her for as long as she possibly could. “Nice excuse.” She simply said.

They stayed in the kitchen for a little longer than they expected, finding that it was the most quiet place in the whole house, and they just wanted to talk. They were talking about everything but nothing specific at the same time, just making each other smile and laugh. Even if Alex hated the fact that there were a lot of people surrounding them, she loved that she was with Casey, and that she was actually willing to stay with her. But then there was a moment where they literally dragged Casey away from Alex, and Casey made sure to tell her that she’d be back with her as soon as possible. Alex just watched her being dragged away and back into the living room, leaving her a bit sad but also understood that this was a party for them after all. Her eyes finally landed on Erin who was already walking to her, a smirk plastered on her face.

“I see you’re having a good conversation with Novak. Guess we won’t have to find you anyone else.” Erin smirked.

Alex rolled her eyes playfully. “We’re just talking, Er. Nothing more.”

“You’re seriously still in denial that she’s interested in you.” Erin chuckled. “You’re literally perfect, Alex. You’re top of your class, you’re beautiful, you’re nice. Damn, you’re a good girl, anyone would want to have you.”

Alex chuckled as she took a sip of her drink, trying to hide her smile behind her cup. “She did mention that.”

Erin raised her brow. “That you’re a good girl?” Alex nodded. “She does not lose time.” She chuckled softly.

“Well, I think I lost her for tonight. So, whatever was happening between us, is over.”

“Don’t lose hope, Cabot. She could come back any time soon. They’re just doing the typical winning ritual.”

Alex frowned as she looked back at Erin. “Ritual?”

“They take shots, depending on the score they made.”

Alex raised her brows. “Is that even safe?”

Erin shrugged. “Not sure, but don’t be too surprised if your little redhead comes back all drunk.” She chuckled as she took a sip of her drink.

Alex sighed. “I guess.”

“Everybody!” Tina got up on the table in the living room, getting everyone’s attention as they turned the music down. “Those who want to play the bottle, gather around! We got drinks and dares!”

Erin turned to look at Alex. “Let’s go play.”

Alex frowned. “No way. I don’t want to have the bad luck of having to kiss some drunk person.”

“And what if that drunk person turns out to be Casey?” Erin smirked as she grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled her to the living room. “Count us in!”

Alex sat beside Erin and sighed as she looked at the people that gathered around. She was sure that these people were either the ones that were way too drunk, or were somewhere in the middle, and the rest just decided to ignore it or were too into their own things. Her eyes landed on Casey for a moment who was in front of her and laughing with Tina as the people started to play. The first few rounds were stupid things like ‘take off your shirt’ ‘drink two shots’ ‘kiss this person on the cheek’, making Alex realize that these people were a bunch of teenagers and couldn’t believe that most of them -if not all- were law students. She couldn’t help but laugh the moment the bottle landed in Erin, and it so happened that the other side landed on one of Casey’s friends, who dared her to go to a room with her. Alex’s eyes widened as Erin agreed, telling her that they had to loosen up, and then followed the girl. She was too distracted as she saw in surprised how they disappeared, but her attention was brough back when she heard yelling and clapping, her eyes landing in the bottle who was pointing at her, and the other end happened to be on Casey.

“Cabot and Novak!” Alex’s lips parted as she tried to say something, but right away Tina spoke up again. “Since Alex doesn’t know what to say, I dare you two to seven minutes in heaven!” Everyone started cheering on.

“What?” Alex simply said, her eyes landing on Casey who was already standing up, chuckling, and telling Tina something. She shook her head and walked to Alex, extending her hand to help her get up.

“C’mon.” Casey offered a sweet smile.

Alex gulped but grabbed Casey’s hand, standing up and following her upstairs. She could hear everyone yelling and clapping, some of them screaming both Alex and Casey’s names as they went up the stairs. Before she knew it, she was being pulled into a room, and as she looked around, she was sure that this was Tina’s room. She cleared her throat as she turned to look at Casey who was closing and locking the door, leaning her back on it as she looked at Alex, smiling softly.

“Casey…”

“We don’t have to do anything.” Casey smiled.

“Are you- seriously?”

Casey chuckled. “Seriously. I sat down there for Tina, it’s just a stupid game.” She shook her head. “And…I hate having to force people into doing something they don’t want to.”

Alex cleared her throat. “What can you get done in seven min, anyway?” She chuckled.

Casey shrugged as she laughed. “I’ve never been in this situation. But I do know you can do something. Make out maybe.”

Alex stared at her for a moment, biting her lip softly. “And would you?”

Casey frowned. “Would I what?”

“Want to make out with me.” Alex snapped.

Casey wetted her lips, her lip lingering between her teeth as she stared at Alex. “I might be a little drunk but…definitely.” She walked to Alex slowly, stopping just in front of her. “Would you?” She whispered softly.

Alex’s breath hitched as she stared up at Casey. She knew she was tall, and probably the boots that Casey was wearing made her a little taller, and she herself was tall, but she loved the fact that she had to look up at Casey. She bit her lip for a moment as she thought about her answer; she knew she had to think fast, the seven minutes could end any time soon. She nodded softly as grinned, and suddenly Casey’s hands were on her waist, and she leaned down to close the gap between them. Alex’s hand went to Casey’s neck to pull her impossibly closer to her, their lips moving against each other’s just perfectly.

Before her mind could register what was happening, Casey was pulling her to her and turned her around to press Alex against the door, Alex moaning against Casey’s mouth which gave Casey’s tongue access to dive in. Alex’s hand got lost in Casey’s short her, pulling her impossibly closer. Casey’s hands rubbed Alex’s sides, accidentally making Alex’s blouse rise up and she took the chance to make contact with Alex’s skin. They finally broke from the kiss, both panted heavily, but as Alex opened her eyes to look at Casey, Casey’s lips landed on her jawline, throwing her head back against the door as a quiet moan left her lips. Casey trailed kisses down Alex’s jawline to her neck, kissing and nibbling softly, she then looked up again to kiss Alex again, and just as her hand traveled down Alex’s hip, a loud knock on the door made them part away from each other.

“Seven minutes are over guys! Get your clothes on!”

Alex panted heavily as she looked at the door for a moment and then her eyes returned to Casey. She couldn’t help but chuckle at herself as she figured she was now part of those horny teenagers she was judging when she got to the party. Casey ran her hand through her hair as she grinned, looking down at the floor as she tried to hide the redness on her cheeks.

“We should uh-“ Alex cleared her throat as she fixed her blouse. “We should probably…”

Casey nodded. “Yes.” She chuckled as she looked up at Alex. “We should go back.”

Alex nodded, offering a shy smile. As she turned to open the door, she felt Casey’s hand on her wrist, bringing her attention back to Casey. Casey’s hand went to Alex’s neck and pulled her close to her, kissing her lips slowly and tenderly, as if they had all the time in the world. Their lips once again met in a perfect rhythm, making Alex’s stomach turn in a good way. Casey then smiled against her lips, pecking them once more before she pulled away.

“Now we can leave.” Casey grinned.

Alex nodded. “Sure.” She breathed out as she smiled, accepting Casey’s hand in hers.

Alex felt everyone’s eyes on her as they walked down the stairs, but her eyes were only focused on Casey. Casey never let go of her hand, walking back to the kitchen, both quietly deciding that they didn’t want to be involved in the game anymore. Alex tried to find Erin for a moment before she brought her attention back to Casey, smiling softly.

“I’ll get you something to drink.” Casey smiled.

“Can I just get some water, please?” Alex smiled.

Casey nodded. “Sure. I need to sober up a little.” She chuckled as she kissed Alex’s hand before she went to find more cups.

Alex sighed happily as she watched Casey moving around the kitchen. The smile never leaving her smile as she leaned against the countertop, but her moment was interrupted as she felt a hand on her shoulder, making her turn thinking that it was maybe Erin. And then she frowned as she found the girl she had been previously jealous of right in front of her.

“Hi?” Alex offered a small smile.

“You really think you got Casey just because you got seven minutes in a room with her? You’re not Casey’s type. We know who you are, Cabot.”

Alex frowned as she shook her head. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re daddy’s girl. I’m sure you’re in school just because of your last name, and if you think you’re gonna get Casey, you’re very wrong. I might’ve let Casey have her fun tonight, but she’s normally always with me. Casey belongs to me.”

“I can definitely tell. Because she’s been with you the whole party, huh?” Alex raised her brow, giving her a defying stare as she crossed her arms.

The girl laughed as she shook her head. “Just because your friend dressed you up for tonight and you got read of your glasses, doesn’t mean you can take Casey. Didn’t you hear? She was supposed to get your attention, a bet was made.”

Alex frowned. “What?”

“Oh, you really think Casey was interested in you? Please. Look at you and look at her. Gotta say that you left it pretty easy for her to win the bet. So congrats to you too. Maybe if Casey chooses, she’ll give you half of the money, but you don’t need it, do you?” The girl smirked as she walked away.

Alex suddenly felt lightheaded as the words played in her mind over and over; she had to be lying. Casey wouldn’t do that. All this time, all those meetings they had, Casey inviting her here, being so sweet and kind even if she’s not fully sober. Did she really do this for a bet? Was she just being nice to win some money? She had to be joking, this was definitely a lie. But…it also made sense at the same time. The sudden interest in Alex, wanting her help to study even if she didn’t need it, her inviting her to the party, and coincidentally the bottle landing in them while she was distracted. They had planned this. She had fallen in Casey’s game. The thought made her feel sick to her stomach.

“Alex?” Casey placed her hand on Alex’s shoulder to get her attention. “You okay?”

Alex took a deep breath as she looked back at Casey, her eyes getting teary. “How much?”

Casey frowned. “What?”

“How much…was the bet?” Alex snapped, trying to hold back her tears as she stared at Casey.

Casey shook her head as she looked at Alex, confused. “I don’t…what bet?”

Alex scoffed. “I knew it was too good to be truth.” She grinned. “You, suddenly taking interest in someone like me. You also believe I’m nothing more than my name, right? Was it fun, Casey? To drag me into your stupid high school game so you could get some money?”

Casey placed the cups on the counter and looked back at Alex. “Alex, what are you talking about? I don’t think that. I-“

“Save it, Casey. I knew this was way too good to be truth. But don’t worry, the bet ended the moment you took me to the room, right? So whatever this was, ends here. I don’t wanna see you again.” Alex gave her a cold look before she walked away from Casey.

Casey frowned as she tried to follow Alex. “Alex! Wait!”

Just as Alex was walking to the door, she ran into Erin who was just coming down from the stairs, her laugh died the moment she saw the look on Alex’s face. “Alex?”

“Let’s go. P-Please.” Alex cried out.

Erin’s heart sank as she turned and saw Casey trying to get to them. “Let’s go.” She placed her hand on Alex’s back and they both walked out of the house as fast as they could. Leaving behind a confused Casey.

The whole ride back to Alex’s apartment was quiet, Alex staring at the window as she quietly cried, her arms wrapped around herself. Erin kept checking on her but decided to save her words, she knew Alex needed a moment to process whatever had happened back there. There had only been one time that she had seen Alex this way, and she thought she would never see her like this again, so it broke her heart. As they made their way to Alex’s apartment, Alex let out a heavy sigh and opened the door, letting Erin walk in first, followed by Alex. She closed the door behind her and leaned her head against it, her whole body shaking as she cried once again. Erin dropped her bag and walked to Alex, wrapping her in a tight hug as Alex sobbed, turning to vanish in her arms.

“Lex, what happened?” Erin whispered softly.

“I-“ Alex sobbed as she shook her head. “I was an idiot.”

Erin pulled away enough to look at Alex. “Did Casey did something to you?”

Alex looked at Erin at the mention of Casey, feeling her heart breaking even more. “I was a bet.”

Erin frowned. “What?”

“That bitch…the one I saw Casey with…she told me that there was a bet, and that’s why the sudden interest in me. I knew it was too good to be truth, Erin. I just knew it.” Alex cried out, covering her face.

Erin sighed loudly. “Lex, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I let myself fall.” Alex sobbed as she shook her head. “Why did this happen?” She whispered softly.

“I don’t know.” Erin kissed her head softly as she wrapped her in another hug.

********************

Alex walked through the hallway to get to her classroom, feeling like everyone was staring at her and were laughing at her. She was sure that half of the school already knew what had happened back there, and it now made sense why all of them were cheering for them to go upstairs. They were cheering for Casey to win the fucking bet and she was so proud of it. She played it so well that she was so ashamed of herself for not seeing it, focusing on how sweet, kind, and beautiful she was, it never crossed her mind that she could do this to Alex. After all, her assumption of Casey wasn’t entirely wrong. She was indeed a heartbreaker. Her trance was interrupted as she ran into someone, almost losing her balance and making her books fall to the floor.

“I’m sorry!”

Alex knelt to pick them up but the person in front of her got them before her, making her look up to find Casey in front of her. “It’s fine.” She snapped as she stood up, followed by Casey.

Casey handed her the books and nibbled on her lip for a moment. “Alex…”

“Save it.” Alex snapped as she looked at Casey for a moment before she walked away.

Casey sighed loudly as she kept walking. This was truly a nightmare for her. The fact that Alex really had believed everything that Rachel had dared to say hurt her and made her a bit upset, but she understood where Alex was coming from. The moment she laid eyes on Alex, she knew she was completely fucked, not being able to take her eyes away until she realized she was being a creep. For months she just stared at Alex and tried her best to always be the one taking their order. She cursed herself once she realized that she had gotten Alex’s order wrong the first time, so she learned it for her, and was happy whenever Alex showed up at the coffee shop. Taking a chance to talk to her had been a real challenge, thinking that Alex would completely push her away and ignore her, but was happy once she realized Alex might be interested in her too. But now, that was all gone.

Erin walked into the coffee shop and looked around, trying to find Casey who was behind the counter. She walked to her and leaned over the counter. “Can I talk to you?”

Casey looked up from her notebook and nodded. “I’m taking five!” She walked to the back door and walked to Erin, sitting with her at a table in the corner. “Erin-“

“What the fuck were you thinking? Are you seriously in middle school to make a fucking bet with my best friend?” Erin snapped, not giving Casey a chance to speak.

“Let me explain.” Casey sighed. “There was no bet. There never was.”

Erin frowned. “What?”

Casey bit her lip as she tried to hold back tears. “I never had the intention of hurting Alex. Everything I did, I did it because I wanted to. Because I had been looking at Alex for so long and I took my chance.” She shook her head as she looked at Erin. “I was never involved in any bet. Rachel was jealous when she found out I was into Alex. She’s-“ She scoffed. “She was fucking childish. I’m too old to do those fucking bets. I like Alex. I never meant to hurt her, or even take advantage of her.”

Erin sighed as she leaned back in the chair. “Well, shit.” She shook her head. “I knew Rachel was no good.”

Casey scoffed. “She thinks she can get whatever she wants.” She shook her head as she looked down at her hands. “And now Alex hates me.”

“She’s hurt, Casey.” Erin shrugged. “She really believed every word Rachel told her. Alex…she overthinks. She has anxiety. She couldn’t get in her head why you would be interested in her.”

Casey sighed. “But you believe me, right?” She looked back at Erin.

Erin offered a small smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone being so consistent with Alex. The way you two look at each other…nothing I had ever seen.” She shrugged. “I love Alex. But I believe you. And you gotta make this right, Casey.”

Casey nodded. “I know. But…she hasn’t been here in two weeks.”

“I can give you her address.” Erin shrugged. “She’ll probably kill me but…I hate seeing Alex so sad.”

Casey smiled. “I’d be forever thankful.”

Erin grinned. “And I thought this shit only happened in movies.” She got a piece of paper out of her bag along with a pen. “Our classes end at 4 pm. She should be home by 5 pm.” She handed it to Casey. “And you know better than to fuck this up, Casey.”

Casey nodded. “I know.”

********************

Alex groaned as she walked to the door. “Erin, I told you I wanted stay in today. I’m tired of you coming at this hour and trying-“ her voice died down as she opened the door and saw that it was not Erin.

“I’m…sorry. I just ended my shift, and I…couldn’t come earlier.” Casey offered a shy smile.

Alex shook her head. “What are you doing here?”

Casey sighed. “You’ve been avoiding me. And I want to talk to you.”

Alex scoffed. “Casey…seriously. We’re old enough to do this and-“

“And then you know I’m old enough to be doing some stupid things as getting involved in a high school bet.” Casey snapped.

Alex stared at her for a moment and sighed softly, stepping aside as she let Casey walk in. “Come on in.” She whispered softly.

“Thanks.” Casey said softly as she walked into the apartment. She turned to look at Alex and smiled a bit as she noticed she had never seen Alex dressing so comfortably.

Alex closed the door and turned to look at Casey, frowning. “What?”

Casey looked down at her hands as she smiled. “You uh…you look really cute.”

Alex tried to hide her smile as she crossed her arms. “Can I offer you a drink?”

“Are we switching roles now?” Casey grinned.

Alex couldn’t help but grin slightly. “Case…”

“I never meant to hurt you, Alex.” Casey said almost in a whisper. “There was never a bet.”

Alex sighed as she looked down at the floor. “Why should I believe you?” She then looked back up at Casey.

“Because I don’t lie.” Casey shook her head. “I know better than to lie. And I never once lied to you. I…” she scoffed. “Everything that Rachel said, it was all a lie. She was jealous. She hated the fact that I was falling for you, and that I was trying to get your attention, and I-“

“You’re falling for me?” Alex frowned.

Casey stared at Alex with wide eyes. “I- Alex. I uh-“ she cleared her throat. “I just-“

“Who’s nervous now?” Alex grinned.

Casey huffed a laugh. She looked at her hands for a moment and nibbled on her lip. “I really didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t take you to the room because they were going to pay me.” She smiled shyly as she looked back at Alex. “Tina noticed you were distracted, everyone was drunk. I moved the bottle.”

Alex raised her brows, a smirk appeared on her face. “Makes sense.”

Casey laughed softly. “I was scared that you’d reject me. I didn’t want to take advantage of you. I just…really wanted to kiss you.” She smiled.

Alex tilted her head. “So no bet?”

Casey shook her head. “No bet. And yes…I am falling for you, since the first time I saw you, I knew I wanted to do anything in my power to get your attention.”

Alex smiled sadly, looking down again at the floor. “I really believed her.”

Casey walked slowly to Alex, her fingers going under her chin to make Alex look up at her, smiling softly as she fixed Alex’s glasses. “You look beautiful without glasses but…I really like to see you with them.”

Alex blushed slightly as she smiled. “You should be upset that I snapped at you, and that I didn’t believe you.”

“That’s childish. We’re both old enough for those games.” Casey grinned. “I’m sorry, Alex. I really am. But if you give me the chance…I want to make things right. I want to take you on a date.”

“You’re cheesy.” Alex smirked.

“And you like that, don’t you? It’s the type of thing you only see in movies.” Casey chuckled softly as she placed her hands on Alex’s neck.

“Yes. I want you to go on a date with you.” Alex smiled, placing her hands on Casey’s waist, and leaning in to kiss her lips softly.

Casey smiled for a moment against her lips, but brought their lips back together, the same butterflies as the first time showing up in her stomach.

…

“Cabot being the good girl and Novak being the tomboy.” Munch laughed along with Fin.

Alex rolled her eyes. “We stuck with our roles.” She smirked as she looked at Casey.

Casey shrugged. “And we made it work perfectly, even now after all these years.” She smiled as she leaned in and kissed Alex’s cheek, fixing her glasses. “Only took a date to have her wrapped around my finger.”

“Oh, says the one that was the cheesiest of the both of us. Bringing me chocolate croissants with my coffee, flowers almost every week, prepared unexpected dates.” Alex smirked.

“And you loved those. And still do.” Casey leaned in to peck her lips.

“Just get married already.” Elliot teased as he took a sip of his drink.

“This is really out of a movie, you two are too cliché.” Olivia chuckled as she looked at them.

“We wouldn’t want it any other way.” Alex grinned as she chuckled, rolling her eyes at the teasing.

[sexyandhedonistic]

Faith (and feeling) is the secret: A small success story and what you can learn from it.

Hello, my loves. It’s been a while since I’ve made any sort of post on this blog. Today I’m going to be bringing you one of my many success stories. As someone who’s very private, I’m always skeptical about talking about any of them as they tend to be quite personal and oftentimes require me to disclose details to provide context. Even in this one, I’ll be keeping it occasionally vague and change a few insignificant details to preserve that privacy. Nevertheless, I feel good about sharing this one because I remember drawing so many comparisons and turning to a lot of what Neville himself said in his lectures and I applied what I’ve learned from beginning to end. Anyway, let’s get to the story:

This happened some time ago, it doesn’t really matter when but I had found out that a favorite artist of mine was having a concert after tickets had started going on sale. The concert was in one of my favorite cities which was a bit of distance from me so I was open to going, but not particularly compelled to. When I first heard about it, I looked up how much of the seating was occupied just to have an idea of how popular this concert was. 

I couldn’t even see the seating chart because it would halt me with a “there are no seats available at this time”. Knowing the law, if I really did want to go, what I had just read meant nothing in the slightest, so I wasn’t discouraged. I continued to check from time to time to see if anything had changed and I would bump into the same exact notice. But again, I was still open to going and what I had read held no value and my reaction was no different than if I had seen a stadium full of blue sections. It didn’t matter one bit. This went on for two months.

During that time, I found out that some of my friends were going, so now I was more interested in going as well. I hadn’t particularly assumed I would go throughout, I was always thinking of the idea rather than from it. So, although for the most part I had no solid desire to actually be there up until now, I still knew that if I wanted to, I could be. Not once through this entire time did I feel stressed nor desperate. I always had faith.

It was the month of the event and I still didn’t have seats, and then they announced a giveaway which I entered. The span to apply was approximately two weeks and they would announce a winner a week before the event. That very morning, I was still hopeful about winning. I felt good, I kept thinking about what it would be like to be in one of my favorite cities hanging out with my friends and seeing one of our favorite artists. And then I decided to induce the state akin to sleep to really place myself into that state of consciousness.

I would like to mention something very briefly here that I’m not sure whether or not I have previously brought up, but whenever I imagine during the state akin to sleep, I see it as death. What I mean by that is that I am conscious of being something I don’t want to be before I induce the SATS, and the goal should be to come out of that imaginal act conscious of being something else. That’s how you should always approach the state akin to sleep. Die to the old state and identify yourself with the new one. 

 Having already been in Los Angeles on numerous occasions, I drew the feeling from that. I recalled what the weather was like at that time of year, I remembered all of the landmarks I would pass by, I thought about how happy I would be to see my friends, how excited I would feel to see one of my favorite artists perform, and I mentally placed myself in that city. I was no longer sitting in bed within four walls miles and miles away. I was in Los Angeles. I was surrounded by the hot weather telling my friends how happy I was to see them and I heard them say it back to me. I saw the lights and the streets, I felt the butterflies of making my way to the venue and finding my seat. I took all of those feelings and really let myself sit and become fully drenched in them until I felt happy to be there. (And I remembered to think from the end and not of the end. Remember that this is key. If I simply thought about being there, it would create no shift in consciousness.) I kept focusing on that feeling, I didn’t have a particular scene in mind, I was simply focusing on the senses and the emotions of being there. I felt happy that I was able to make it, I was thinking about how glad I felt for not taking no for an answer and the memory of the present moment of me inducing the SATS was something I had done last week.

I wasn’t keeping track of the time I was in that state, but it was roughly an hour. I hadn’t slept and the sun was starting to rise when I pulled myself out. I felt satisfied with my prayer and I reminded myself that if for whatever reason I felt uncertain I could simply do the same, so I felt good. I wasn’t anxious about whether or not I had done enough because I knew praying and accepting that it was happening was all I had to do and soon enough I’d be making my way to LA. 

Then I went to sleep. The winners were to be announced in a few hours and shut my eyes assuming I would wake up to the good news. However, I didn’t win the giveaway, but I was a runner up and I was given access to purchase tickets at a heavily discounted price, which in itself was a good start to my trip to LA. I didn’t have a particular seat in mind when I saw myself there, but I did want to be close and I was (4th row from the stage). A seat that would’ve cost me about $230 went down to $60, so I snagged it. If you’re familiar with the You Are In Barbados story, this was my “Good news, Mr. Goddard” moment. It was happening.

I had my trip, I booked my flights, I prepared everything and within a week I was on my way to see so many of my favorite people in one city. I was ecstatic the entire time leading up to it and I enjoyed myself to death. The concert was on a weekend and I was back home by the time the week started. It was Tuesday and I was checking my inbox and for some reason I felt like going through my spam folder. And I came across an email that stood out to me.

It was an email from the event telling me that one of the winners hadn’t responded so I was next in line and I had won two tickets plus the opportunity to meet them. Now, I admit that I did think the giveaway was going to be the how in my story. When I induced the state akin to sleep, I didn’t visualize myself winning, I visualized myself being in LA because that was the actual end. What I most wanted was to attend the concert so that was the end I was living in. Yet, that email served as a reminder that if I really did want to meet them, I very much could have. That would’ve been the part where Abdullah would’ve told me, “Who said you are only attending? You are in Los Angeles and you met them.” If I had that desire in my heart, I would’ve remembered to remain faithful to that even after the giveaway had ended. Remember that it always comes down to persistence and brazen impudence when it comes to whatever it is that you really want. Know what you want and reject anything that isn’t it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I hope you guys enjoyed this little success story of mine and you can learn a thing or two from it. I know I’m always here providing advice to the best of my ability and this particular success story attests to the fact that I practice what I preach to you all. I’ve also told you guys before that when you all start having successes of your own, your faith in the law will only grow more and more. I speak from experience! 

So my advice to you from this story, as I always have advised:

Know what you want. Have a clear idea of your desire.

Facts aren’t important. The 3D isn’t important. 

Go straight to the end. You don’t need to become conscious of things in steps. (This is why I focused on being in LA and not on winning the giveaway.)

Have faith. Always walk by faith and not by sight.

The takeaway is to not worry about the how in the slightest, only concern yourself with what the end of your wish fulfilled looks like. It is yours if you truly want it. Focus on the end only, not anything in between. If you know circumstances don’t matter and you are limitless, that you don't need to worry about the how, the when, the why or the if, the only relevant question you should be asking yourself is the following:

Do you want it?

[mysteryanimator]

Myst rambles about animation longer then they should + their love for Nocturne whoops

I keep thinking about the animation industry as of late again, all the layoffs, all the animators looking for jobs. So I might just be speaking to a void right now. I have not experienced any of the drought so I just may look doe-eyed trying to break into a disaster zone but I’m just here to offer that newbie perspective, as naive as it may seem. I’m gonna try and keep this short (whoops a lie) but if you can see where this is going, this is just going to be me talking about the impact Nocturne has on me, aka rewriting the abhorrent Twitter thread/Instagram post where I free-formed without checking my grammar. 

As someone who is pursuing animation, I have watched A LOT of animated shows growing up, I swear it was the only medium I did watch growing up. I made scuffed animatics and animations of the current show I was watching, not realizing they counted as love letters to the media. Yet, the animation industry scared me. It was so elusive and mysterious. The bar seemed too high, even when I decided to choose to study it at university. It seemed so out of reach.

Until Nocturne. 

Castlevania Nocturne practically humanized the industry to me. These people were fans of their own creations. They breathe life into them. All the character sheets that popped into my timeline, the rough cuts, all the silly memes. Something that seemed impossible became possible within an instant. My skills at the time were not what they are now by any means, hell even now I could be better, but, I looked at that show and went “I can do that. If they can do it, maybe there’s a chance I could do something like that.” I think it helps I am at a stage of my life where I can consciously consume content and have the ability to break it down.

Also, let's be so honest, it's combined with the fact that I fell in love with Mizrak and Olrox's plot... you get a very insane person. Passionate but insane. Who spends their entire day going frame by frame reanalysing 10 minutes of an episode? ME. Despite this, I have learned so much more than all my years at university have given me. I have become a genuinely better animator and a better artist. My understanding of animation finally clicked. I knew I was built for animation but didn’t know how I fit into it. I’m constantly on YouTube, absorbing information from YouTube channels like Dong Chang, wandering around Discord Sakuga servers/twitter, and taking notes. I'm still worried about bothering other people in the industry/more technically skilled than me but I think I'm getting slowly better and going "Hey I love your work! How did you achieve x/y/z? OH!? Can you explain what this means?" because again, these are just people like you and me.

So every single Mizrak and Olrox animation I’ve made has not only been a love letter to the show, and crew of people who put their heart and soul into making this, but these animations have been a testament to my skills. Take it like a capsule of how I’m improving every month. I will admit I sometimes get weirded out of the fan content I make, albeit a combination of low confidence, and imposter syndrome, and now my animation style has just become very synonymous with the nocturne style. These ‘cons’ however do get outweighed by the pros of it all. Finally finding a style that I find goes hand in hand with my illustration style (and I can't wait to see how I can evolve it into my own) and the bouts of self-doubt are vast and temporary. I am super grateful that I can look at my work in times of doubt and go “Literally anything is possible, let me put on a show that explores this certain animation principle/story beat in a particular way, and let me study it!"

It's super embarrassing to admit but Nocturne has genuinely changed the trajectory of my life. I am genuinely a whole new person with such a different outlook on animation because of this show. Yes, I am creative through and through, you cannot separate that from my blood, but Nocturne solidified that “You are exactly where you need to be”. The industry is in shambles, with people now reaching a year+ jobless, and contracts are ending, yet, if Nocturne genuinely wasn’t released at the end of September, I do not think any of this would've clicked.

(Backed up by the very fact I am/was directing a short and running a genuine studio when Nocturne came out. I was very unconfident at the time and doubted myself a lot in private since it was my first time doing any of this. This show helped me solidify a new perspective on how to run things! How to be a stronger animator!)

Now again, this is such a crazy thing to say now. I'm watching people from the show I love have their contracts ending/being laid off since last year. I swear every second tweet on my tl is of an animator desperately looking for a job or on the verge of giving up. Me, Mystery, is an animator with no skin in the game, so I don't truly know what the Western animation industry looks like from the inside besides what I get from social media. Let’s be honest, for all you know, I just animate two characters kissing constantly. That is merely the surface of its impact. HEY, I MAY DELETE THIS B4 ANYONE SEES BECAUSE THIS IS KINDA EMBARASSING, the industry sucks right now. People are losing their jobs, so what I’m saying may not matter, but also I think it does maybe? I think this is just a unique perspective to where people are losing faith and hope in the animation, I re-sparked my thanks to Nocturne. Who knows, I may lose this spark as I go further into trying to break into the industry once I'm out of uni, but I’ll take what I have now and ride this new bout of inspiration and creativity. I want to tell stories. I want to bring life to still images. I know it's possible because Nocturne exists. These are real people who exist, who put their love and care into this show. Passion like that is inspiring.

I also somehow can't escape these people reading this, so if you have made it this far- thank you for making this show the way you have! Thank you to all the people both still in it and to others who have had to part with Nocturne. I will admit I have gone through the credits and made sure I could try and learn from everyone's work despite how unique/different each role is.

I hope my grammar is better than last time HAHAH, the technicality of English isn't a strong suit of mine but fingers crossed that the ideas/content are still passable.

[beecreeper]

Durges asks - #23 & #12 (and if you don’t have many thoughts on what actually happened to the physical prayer for forgiveness, any thoughts on at what point in their story they actually sat down and wrote it? (Like, did anything big happen that caused them to write it, or was this just their typical daily diary entry to dad?))

Jesus christ I skipped lunch and wrote 1200 words (positive)

Under the cut!

How exactly does losing Bhaal’s essence impact a being created by him? We holding up well or barely scraping by?

Briar feels so so empty without Bhaal. I’ve said this before but she becomes that stereotype of someone on bad mood stabilizers. Her urge gave her huge spikes of adrenaline whenever she felt angry or excited. Without that extreme heightening, all her normal emotions feel like nothing. Being angry doesn’t feel FUN anymore. There isn’t any BITE to it. No RUSH to it. It just feels uncomfortable. She also spent a long time avoiding any emotions more complex than “fuck you I’m gonna kill you” or “fuck yeah I’m gonna kill you” and she straight up. Does not know how to feel them.

On a completely different hand, though, her spore magic immediately gets stronger! This is represented visually by her tattoos, originally a pale green and imbued with spore magic and turned red by Bhaal as he kinda “overrides” her druid connection. Briar’s druid magic was powered by the cycle of life *and* death, but Bhaal stepped in and was like “actually only the death part” as much as possible, so Briar’s magic was working at practically half capacity this whole time. When she loses Bhaal’s essence, it’s like a blockage being cleared. Not that hollowed-out-no-purpose-no-emotions Briar *cares* about reconnecting with her druid powers, but it is something that she can access in the final Netherbrain fight. I also think the longer she’s without Bhaal, she starts to slooooooowly slooowly come around to it. Like oh shit maybe there actually is a point to all this life stuff.

Without Bhaal, Ferox feels clear headed for the first time in his entire life. However it also feels empty. Like. Too wide. Too open. It’s a highly unfamiliar sensation and there’s a kinda kneejerk aversion to it. He’s used to spending so much mental and even physical energy into fighting the urges that there’s definitely some growing pains as he relearns how to navigate his brain now that he’s his own person. He gets a little more spacy and more randomly anxious for a while. From a physical standpoint, he loses his ability to barbarian rage. When he had Bhaal in his brain, the blind furious bloodlust combined with his natural inclination as observant combined with some divine murder mojo enhancing senses and reaction times would make him both efficient and ruthless in battle. Without Bhaal, he also has to relearn how to fight a little bit, his mind not as fast or as sharp without the urge directing it. Though I think once he does get back into the swing of things, he becomes even more tactical than before.

What happened to the prayer of forgiveness? Is it stored in a lil chest somewhere in their new home? Did it get burned? Did it get buried? What’s going on here?

AH YAY PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS DRAMA. Gonna give you ALL the lore. Sorry this is gonna get LONG.

Briar wrote the prayer of forgiveness, like, less than a week before she got got by Orin. Despite actively being obsessed with Gortash for like. Their entire alliance. She was *not* admitting that to herself even in the privacy of her own head. Up until then, she was always ALWAYS perceiving him as a game. Or a tool. She was always 100% planning on murdering him, with the plan changing from “when I feel like it” to “when he’s no longer useful” to “after we have control”, but it was always in the plan.

So when one day she suddenly has the thought that she *doesn’t* want to kill him, it completely fucks her up. She hasn’t let herself “not want to kill someone” since arguably her druid circle when she was forced delighted to kill literally everyone she knew. And none of those even hit as hard as this because with her circle she wasn’t really *friends* with any of them. Like she didn’t want to kill them because she didn’t want to be alone but she didn’t really care about any of them personally? Like, she cared about the *concept* of her circle, about being in a group, but not about the individual people. But with Gortash?? One day she imagines killing him, like she’s done literally thousands of times before, but this time she feels fucking sad??? She feels like she would be sad if he was dead. This straight up makes Briar SPIRAL. She avoids him and fucks off to Moonrise towers without a word, writing the prayer and doing a bunch of manic shit to try and make herself stop thinking about the one (1) human emotion she felt for another human being.

ANYWAY when post-tadpole Briar comes across the Prayer under moonrise, she is hit with an immediate, overpowering, visceral gut reaction. It’s been common, ESPECIALLY in and around Moonrise, for Briar to experience like. body memories that have no context attached them. She just feels stuff but can’t place an actual reason onto why because her brain is full of holes (something that she hates hates hates because it makes her feel broken and vulnerable). She immediately understands that this is something that *she* wrote and that it means something but also that every fiber of her being is telling her to destroy this letter immediately and never think about it ever again ever. She doesn't even read it. I think she gets about to “cannot help” before she lights it on fire. Like, both because the buried memory part of her wants it gone, but also because she hates the sensation of being so intensely confronted with the holes in her memory like that.

Ferox wrote the Prayer for Forgiveness much sooner in his timeline. His feelings for Gortash built gradually but steadily in spite of him constantly trying to pull away, with what happened the *last* time he cared about someone always on his mind (rip Myrala). The Prayer was part of this process, with Ferox trying to convince both his father and himself that “no for real I don’t really care about him *please* don’t make me kill him I promise I’ll kill him at the end I promise I promise”. I definitely think there was more than one letter written in this vein, though I’m sure those were lost entirely.

When Ferox finds the Prayer under Moonrise, he kinda glosses over the parts about Gortash. Like yeah name gives him that same sorta body memory missing piece sensation as Briar, but it’s not as intense and it’s the rest of the letter that he ends up fixating on. Ferox gets REAL fucked up reading, in his own hand, that he was promising to slaughter the entire world AND that he's involved in the whole Absolute plot. To post-tadpole Ferox the Prayer is less important for the implications about his relationships with the other chosen than it is as a flashing neon sign that says YOU WERE EXACTLY THE MONSTER YOU FEARED YOU WERE. IN FACT IT’S EVEN WORSE.

Ferox keeps it because if there’s one thing this guy loves it’s fixating on things to feel guilty about. Then when he meets Gortash and the nearest and dearest revelations come out, he revisits the letter with new eyes. It confirms to him at least that Gortash must be being honest about them. Tho I will admit that my ideas for Ferox’s act 3 are still kinda vague and conceptual since I haven’t played through it yet. Like, I mostly know the broad strokes I want but sometimes you just gotta FEEL it in the moment, ya know?

I think, ultimately, he probably gets rid of it after he forsakes Bhaal. As part of forgiving himself for the things he did as a Bhaalist, he has to physically let go of his need for forgiveness from Bhaal, that part of him that was so deep in it that defiance wasn't even an option, only supplication.

[shadelorde]

Hello this is me asking you about Unalaq and Vaatu from that one Korra post!

OMG I’ve broken out my Bluetooth keyboard for this

So, first of all: TW for sexual assault adjacent topics and parallels (I’ll mark where it starts)

And second, for the people who wanted to see this! @wilcze-kudly @katkastrofa

Also DISCLAIMER: I do not think that this is what the authors intended to be read, this is just my reading of it using evidence from the text.

I made a similar post a while ago but it’s not as detailed as this one, so! Let’s get into it.

First of all, let’s look at the existing dynamic we do know about Vaatu and Unalaq - the show doesn’t give us much time with both of them, but there is some things we do know from the show and what other characters say. The basics that the show tells us is that Unalaq is part of an organization, the Order of the Red Lotus, which, at some point, became dedicated to freeing Vaatu in order to restore the element of chaos to the world.

Another thing that the show says is that Vaatu manipulated Unalaq - twisted him to become something that no longer has humanity or compassion for others.

However, what’s actually shown…seems to contradict that. In a flashback, far before Unalaq ever seemed to come into contact with Vaatu, he already hired bandits to help destroy an entire spirit wild in an effort to kick Tonraq out of the Northern Water Tribe so that he would be in power. Even if he had already met Vaatu, it’s pretty weak storytelling to claim that a character has “become” evil, but never actually show any instances of when they weren’t. He’s also consistently shown to be manipulative and calculating - a trait that never changed as we saw him develop.

But you know who did change? Vaatu. Now, of course, I’m going off of what limited scenes we see of him- but in the Beginnings episodes, he’s shown to be talkative, arrogant, almost playful, clearly taunting and mischievous - “How are you feeling since our split, Raava? I’ve never been better.” And has an air of amusement the entire arc - “No human can stand against me.” But in the current time, he’s far quieter, angrier, tired, and most notably, desperate. He does not talk during his fight with Korra, doesn’t taunt her, only threatens revenge and fights desperately - his movements are quicker, jerkier, more pulled back.

But what does this mean? Well, he will do anything to be freed. And the only person (that he knows) who can manipulate Korra into opening the portals, who is actually in contact with him, and who can give him the tools to free himself is…Unalaq. Despite the fact that independently and sheer strength-wise, Vaatu is the more powerful of the two, the fact he’s imprisoned and Wan ensured that he cannot free himself - the fact that anyone who would want to free Vaatu would have to seek him out of their own will, because he closed spirit portals essentially prevents anyone from finding him by accident, means that in this case, it’s Unalaq who has the upper hand in their power difference. If Vaatu were to piss him off, he could simply…walk away, and it would extremely unlikely anyone would be able to free him for another ten thousand years. Vaatu is willing to do anything to prevent that from happening, and as we can see, he has a one-track mind, focused fully on his goal (and blinding him to the possibility that someone might catch him off track, which was his fatal mistake with Wan, and could easily be his downfall with Unalaq.)

(TW STARTS HERE) Now, about the dark avatar, or “Unavaatu.” There’s several strange things about this that seemed to contradict itself - Vaatu has clearly shown a disdain towards humans (such as his entire monologue to Wan while he was fighting him - “I lived ten thousand years before the first of your kind crawled out of the mud.”) and never had the chance to become warm towards the as Raava did - he was isolated for ten thousand years, and even in the present, still shows a dislike of them. Also, with Unavaatu, for some reason, looking like a…really ugly and poorly designed, frankly, amalgamation of the two, who’s also giant. But…why would Vaatu suddenly want to fuse with Unalaq? Unalaq claims to love spirits, but yet, in the flashback, he sacrificed an entire spirit wild to get rid of his brother, an offense that Vaatu has killed over. (Beginnings Part 2: Vaatu kills the humans burning down a forest and only the humans, the spirits are seen as alive and well in the epilogue of the episode) There’s also a throwaway comment that Zaheer makes in Season 3 that completely recontextualizes Vaatu and Unalaq’s relationship - that Unalaq betrayed Zaheer the night that the Red Lotus attempted to abduct Korra, and “pursued his own selfish goals. Unalaq becoming a Dark Avatar was never part of our mission.” (S3E9, the Stakeout) This implies that Unalaq’s plan to become a Dark Avatar existed right from the beginning, not a plan that Vaatu had instilled in him over time. It had always been his goal - he had always sought that power.

So, combine those things - that it’s extremely out of character for Vaatu to want a dark avatar, that Unalaq has always had that plan, and that Unalaq additionally wields power over whether Vaatu will be free or not, and this starts to form a picture of coercive abuse. And not only that, I would argue that it draws parallels to sexual assault - many people have already (often jokingly, but accurately) noted the obsession that Unalaq seems to have with Vaatu, and how it’s not returned in the slightest. There’s also the fact that a fusion between a spirit and a human is an inherently intimate thing, with the spirit sacrificing their form, their own body, to become fused with the human, lending their power in times of need - this intimacy is a large chunk of the basis of the Waava ship! One could argue that Vaatu could have simply rejected Unalaq and flown off as soon as he was freed, but Unalaq himself noted the dependency Vaatu had to him - “It’s true that when Wan fused with Raava he tipped the scales in her favor, but this time, I’ll be there to level he playing field.” (S2E12, Harmonic Convergence) There’s also the imagery of the design of the Dark Avatar - I would argue that it looks grotesque, almost as if Vaatu had been tortured into fitting into Unalaq’s form. (I do not think this was intended by the designers, but…I do think that is what it looks like.)

So, overall, I think that while the show tries to tell us that Vaatu had the power over Unalaq and that he ‘twisted’ him, in the practice of the plot, Unalaq has the up-power position, and applying that framework to the rest of their interactions makes the dynamic seem very abusive.

[dearestkong]

reflections // starting the summer term 🌷💌

(feel free to skip … just a lot of rambling about changes of mindset, i’ll sum it up later in my new pinned.)

it’s been more than a month since I’ve started this blog, and I’m really really glad that I did. not because my productivity has spiked or my anxiety has diminished or whatever (though there have been positive effects), but because just attempting to start something like this meant that I was no longer willing to suffer and rot in private. i talked about the “hole of dysfunction and self-hatred” in my old introduction: for so long, that hole was my best-kept secret and my greatest shame. being competent and ambitious was an aspect of my personality, and I couldn’t handle the idea that it wasn’t true.

but then…. dearestkong emerged!! and I started being completely transparent. telling strangers about every day of self-destructiveness. it was a good form of accountability, sure, but it was also a means of telling the truth. this blog has been a way for me to say: i’ve been struggling, and it’s not a fluke or a “flop era” or something entirely disconnected from the high achiever i used to be. the girl fighting off inertia and the girl seemingly doing everything with ease are the same person.

🌷☆彡

my posts have been getting more optimistic recently, and that isn’t a fluke, either. lots of things have happened: i’ve realised how many people support and believe in me, i started taking medication for a problem i’ve had for a while (it’s crazy how the world seems so much brighter now?!!?!), i started writing in my diary again. i’m now 27 days clean from a self-destructive behaviour (this blog isn’t about my relationship with that, but in the early days i used to make a note of relapses and just the fact of acknowledging it felt so freeing to me. it wasn’t something to hide anymore, but a fight i was making progress with.)

this seems like a rapid evolution for such a new blog, right?! but in the next six months, i’m going to be applying to university. i’m about to undergo some of the most rapid evolutions of my life.

🌷☆彡

for so long, i’ve had this vague and unspecified dream: “doing the best” “working my hardest” “impressing my teachers”. now my dream has a name and a face and admissions results attached to it and it’s making me so scared that i want to throw up. when i was in the depths of the hole i couldn’t stop seeing my life as a binary. either i get in, or i don’t. and if i don’t, what the hell is the point of living?

38 days later and i feel a little differently. i am someone who has climbed out the hole of inertia and lived. i have done many things and they’ve all turned out fine— great, actually. i have reason to believe that things will go well.

i still have a pretty nasty relationship with myself, lol. it makes me really happy when people on this blog interact and talk, but they’re all so nice and it makes me feel a little fake. in reality i’m standoffish, awkward, and often mean. i coast by on intellectual abilities while slacking off. i’m a judgemental egoist who is sometimes self-destructive. all of that is true—>

but at the same time, i still have this crazy belief that i deserve the best. it’s literally an overflow of egoism ;;;; there’s nobody i’m more in love with than myself. i think of the girl i’ll be in the future with such affection, and i don’t want her to feel ashamed or resentful of me. she deserves to have her hopes fulfilled!! she deserves the brightest, the best that i can give her.

in conclusion: even if i don’t like the person i am at the present, i have to do it anyway. 1 because there’s no other option and 2 because i love the person i’ll be in the future too much to stop.

🌷☆彡

so from now on, the purpose of this blog is changing slightly. it’s no longer “get out of the hole and survive” like it used to be. we’re past that, we’re already surviving.

now, the aim is to “do my best so my future self can live with no regrets”. that’s not very concise but I’ll work on it.

let’s do this! 加油！

[youremyheaven]

Do you think those influencers who dramatically switch from very left wing Marxist alternative etc to very trad Christians (specifically in homophobic/transphobic way) have ketu influence?

You were talking about ketuvians and their struggle to find a sense of self and it made me think of these types of people. I know someone with ketu 1H and magha moon who did this to an extent. She used to identify as non binary and was constantly shifting through different names and pronouns but then one day she just kind of stopped and started saying how she thinks pride is pointless and a waste of time or whatever😭 it wasn’t *that* extreme but I still thought it was a significant shift in belief in such a short time.

I think a lot of people have this dramatic shifts not only out of a need to identify with something due to a lack of sense of self, but also because they like going back to what their parents believe for comfort. I guess those two are interlinked but it’s interesting how my friend is a magha moon and magha is associated with ancestors and whatnot.

I guess mula is somewhat similar as “the root”? Idk about ashwini though

Sorry I haven’t actually had the chance to look into examples since it’s hard to find birth data for influencers and I don’t know that many examples irl 😶‍🌫️ so this is me just going on a tangent and hoping you get what I’m trying to say LMAO

I’m also not sure if anyone else is familiar with this phenomena or if I’m just too engrossed in niche internet drama.

In terms of influencers I guess a somewhat prominent example is Freckle Zelda on tiktok? I never followed her but she went from making cutesy safe space liberal type content in like 2021 and now she’s a Christian and is using it be to super controversial. But like I said I’ve never followed her so idk if this is dramatic enough of a switch to count as what I’m saying.

I also feel like this a rahu trait to switch between extremes🤔 idk lmk what you think

I feel like the capitalist commodification of identity has most adversely affected Nodal people.

If you think about it, spirituality's aim is to transcend the "self" entirely, you stop identifying with labels and attaching yourself to this or that thing. I'm not saying you cease to be a person but you stop trying to "accumulate" identities to hold on to.

9/10 times the reason we identify with something is to feel a sense of belonging but searching outwards for it will only lead to disappointment, when we search within and feel at home within ourselves, we lose the need to externally confined ourselves to rigid "identities"

Yk how people dye their hair, get piercings/tattoos etc to mark a new chapter or the end of an old one or whatever??? It is an attempt to claim something as "yourself" and "solidify yourself". Everything changes all the time, everybody changes yet there are many people who will never dye their hair or change their name or join a cult or whatever (not that all these things are the same) its just that if you're at peace with yourself and truly grounded, you will no longer be shopping for different identities or things to associate with.

Yk those people who have IG bios that read like "Mother, Pluviophile, ESFJ, Petrolhead, UJC'22, Missourian, Ancient Spirit, 1/4th Cherokee, Bitcoin Enthusiast, EDM Lover"

like what do any of those terms say about them?? how on earth is any of this central to your identity? all of these are external ??? is loving rain and being a petrolhead central to your sense of self?? im not trying to demean anybody's interests, im only trying to point out that what we choose to make the focal point of ourselves is up to us and its possible to not be defined by anything?? i think a truly ugly consequence of capitalism is how people try to define themselves by things outside them (their interests, hobbies, job, income level, marital status etc etc) because there is more to a person than all that.

when we retreat within, we base our sense of self on our qualities like kindness, compassion, creativity (this becomes the essence of who we are) so we don't feel the need to claim 87373 other things to describe ourselves

some people overly identify with others like their partners, friends or even strangers and kind of become them. this is also the root of stan culture, by being obsessed with someone to that extent and giving them all your time and energy, you are losing your own qi and harming your Sun (the same way criticizing the appearance of others ruins your Venus)

Rahu is prone to taking things to extremes and Ketu is prone to trying on different identities and losing interest in all of them one after the other. so your observations are right.

i dont really use social media so i dont know any influencers that i can quote as examples ;-; but im thinking of certain celebrities who have had drastic style changes in the past and all of them have nodal influence lol

in the 2000s, the Olsen twins were known for their boho chic hippie style and over the last decade or so they have become known for their "quiet luxury" style. They are Magha Moon

Julia Fox is Ardra Rising and she went from basic to avant garde

Jared Leto, Mula Sun, Ashwini Moon & Rising , he's also the leader of a cult allegedly so👀i guess it all adds up

Adele, Mula Moon & Ardra Rising

im not just talking about her weight loss, just her overall change in style. she got married young and had a baby and in a couple of years she got a divorce and revamped her look to that of an ig baddie

Kylie Jenner, Swati Moon she's changed her style/demeanour every other year since the early 2010s lol

Taylor Swift, Ardra Moon has also had many diff lewkzz throughout the years

before anybody says dont celebs change their styles often?? no they dont, not everybody for sure. look at Jennifer Lopez or Sarah Jessica Parker, theyve been dressing the same since the 90s. constantly evolving style/looks/personality is a Nodal thing. its also a big part of the reason why Nodal people succeed in the entertainment industry and in the material realm (a lot of rich people including Bezos have Nodal placements) because entertainment = illusion, pretending to be someone you're not and for Nodal people, this is pretty much second nature.

im sorry that my response is kind of all over the place. your question provoked some thoughts within me lol and i just had to shareee

i cant think of celebs who have drastically changed their life paths like the example u cited ;-; EXCEPT Bridget Mendler who is an actor, singer, and entrepreneur, has a PhD and went to Harvard Law and now runs a satellite company?? she also adopted a kid during all this? She has Mula Sun

anywayyys thats it for now

tysm for sending this ask!!! its a very thought provoking and interesting question<33hope u have a good day<33