#i’m just. god i’m happy and proud of myself and i am so beyond satisfied rn

[bright-and-burning]

i think this is like. some of the happiest i’ve ever been. the most consistently (not manically) good ive ever felt. which is SO funny given that a week ago people i thought would be in my hypothetical WEDDING ripped our friendship to shreds and then set the shreds on fire. it’s really like i was set free completely and utterly… god bless wellbutrin god bless snake ass bitches showing their real faces god bless pom collinses and, most importantly. god bless french fries

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 166 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: cutting the Kolkwitzia amabilis in my garden.

MARTIN: "What happened back there? What you did to Sa–" [HE CUTS HIMSELF OFF.] [A PAUSE.] JON: "Go on. Say it." Oh no. Oh god, does Jon think that Martin thinks it was his fault that Sasha died?

HELEN: "Oh, goodness. You see what you’ve done to the poor boy, John? He’s coming to me for clear answers." Oh Helen really knows how to get under one's skin.

HELEN: (giggle) "It’s very satisfying though, isn’t it? Teasing out vague information? You see why Elias got a kick out of it." Oh fuuuck, and now she's comparing him to Elias? Jon really is straight up not having a good time..

TMA usually is super vague, but I'm actually happy we got an explanation how the smiting works. Does sound plausible, I’d say. But also, this explanation about there only being watcher and watched should have got Martin's gears to turn. They are not victims of a domain. So they have to be watchers.

MARTIN: "Sure. Okay, that’s – I mean, that’s really not that complicated, John; I don’t see why you were being so coy about it –" JON: (overlapping) "Because I’m ashamed, Martin." [SLIGHT PAUSE.] MARTIN: "Ashamed?!" JON: "Yes! Ashamed of the fact that I just – destroyed the world and have been rewarded for it, the fact that – I can walk safe through all this horror I’ve created like a… fucking tourist, destroying whoever I please. The fact that I… enjoyed it, and… the fact that there are so many others that I want to revenge myself on!" Why does everything in TMA feel so natural!! There is so much bad and boring writing out there, every time something very logical happens it makes me super excited xD  So yap. It's super understandable that he's ashamed of all of this. Especially since we know how he actually feels about this revenging stuff. His anger says “do it!”, but his logic says “It’s not gonna do anything”..

MARTIN: "…No; No, I actually think you’re good on that front." JON: "What?" MARTIN: "Yeah, I, I, I think we should go for it, get our murder on!" Martin, when he only remotely tastes power xD

MARTIN: "f you want to stop them and have the power to, then – then, then yeah, let’s do it, let’s go full Kill Bill!" JON: "I – I, I haven’t seen it." Laughed so hard at this xD Of course he is deflecting.

HELEN: "Oh, Martin, I am so proud of you. Can I come?" JON & MARTIN: (in unison) "No." HELEN: "So that’s a strong “maybe” then?" Asgdsdfjkdf, Helen can also be so funny! One of those characters I hate and love!

MARTIN: "Do you need anything?" [JON EXHALES.] JON: "No." Love that Martin checks in with him there. He has been a bit dismissive of Jon's feelings about this whole situation.

Yeah, that statement does nothing to me, neither terror nor excitement. As far as I understand it, it's more about the financial part of the Buried. About the pressure of the society we live in, ever trapped in bullshit jobs with only ever a glint of the prospect of escape and there is no use in fighting others like us (that second worm part) cause if we win against them, we’re stuck exactly where we were before.

"The rains fall here as they do so many places in this new world. Thick and oily drops that taste of bitter salt, torrential tears plummeting from the watching sky, thumping and squelching onto the thirsty soil in which the worms writhe painfully towards a surface that does not want them." That is a gross image!

"How do you fight, when you cannot move beyond the slowest inching crawl, without limbs or weapons or the kinetic force of violence? You do it slowly, pressing, biting, tearing gradually through each other until at the very end, one of you is still." There is a very horrifying animatic of this part of the statement, it's called "The Worms (Magnus Archives Fan Animation)”.

JON: "God, I hate the Buried." Mh, he was there once...

That phone's got to be a Nokia 3310, right? XD It is the Nokia ringtone after all!

ANNABELLE: "He’s more powerful here than he’s ever been, isn’t he? And you’re not sure what that means for you." [THE BRIEFEST OF PAUSES. MARTIN INHALES SHAKILY.] MARTIN: "I’m hanging up now." ANNABELLE: "Does he even need you at all?" That part about "you're not sure what that means for you" is actually something I could relate to. Especially in a relationship this young and under extremely high stress levels. Shared trauma and being in the same life-threatening situation can create incredibly strong bonds. Being in that same boat. But how life-threatening is it actually for them? Aside from his guilt and post trauma, Jon is very much fine in this new world. Still, not sure what Annabelle wanted to achieve with this, she does mention it to have been "clumsy", so yeah.

[THE PREVIOUSLY-HOWLING THINGS IN THE BURIED – LIKELY THE WORMS FAR BELOW – HOWL AGAIN, INSISTENTLY.] MARTIN: "I know, right?" Adflkdhfs, this episode has some great comedy!

@a-mag-a-day

[louisesloveletters]

Letter #8: Sit back, relax, and let God do the rest.

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”‭‭ -Jeremiah‬ ‭31‬:‭25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The world we live in today has led us to believe that tasting success requires relentless hard work and aggressive pursuit of our dreams. While this formula works for some, it doesn’t always bring fulfillment and joy.

Many people face burnout, anxiety, stress, and depression despite their achievements. Why? Because they struggle to rest and let go of things beyond their control. Humans are often obsessed with maintaining control over their lives.

For instance, when I worked as a freelance copywriter, I’d finish assignments early, driven by a desire to get things done. Despite loving writing, my dream became a source of burnout and stress. It no longer brought happiness and motivation; it became just a job. I lost touch with myself and the initial dream.

God extended His mercy, saying, “Take a rest, my child.” I had forgotten to be gentle with myself and grateful for what I had. Focused on completing tasks and earning, I lost sight of the original vision – to be a good writer and enjoy what I am doing.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John‬ ‭14‬:‭27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God is so good that He always reminds us to take care of ourselves and to live the life He has given us to the fullest. His definition of living life is far different from what our world teaches us. He doesn’t scold us, yell at us, pressure us or shame us for not doing everything. He just wants us to do what we can do and trust Him to cover the rest of what we can’t do. His love for us is so unconditional that it gives us peace we cannot fathom. The kind of peace this world can never provide us.

I hope you have this confidence that no matter how stressful your day gets or how hard your work life is, God’s got you. You don’t have to work your ass off every time, because He will provide everything you need. You just have to trust Him.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭28‬-‭31‬ ‭NIV‬‬

If you have a tough week, don’t worry, God will give you rest. Take this sweet time to appreciate your wins this week, no matter how big or small it is. God is proud of you for not giving up. Get a good nights sleep and give all your worries to God.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” -Isaiah‬ ‭26‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

P.S. God loves you.🤍

P.P.S. Have a nice weekend ahead. I’m proud of you. :)

[whumpzone]

Tomas and Rowe - Part 16

in which everyone has a bad time. except kasia. he's having fun

Masterpost

taglist: @sola-whumping @just-another-whumper @misspelledwitch @looptheloup @briars7 @black-polarf @zipadeedooda-drabbles @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @rosesareviolentlyread @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jazz-0307 @kestrelsparverius @whumpsy-daisies @whumpersworld @memoriesneverforget @sky-or-something-idfk @cupcakes-and-pain @frankieswhump @ihaventwritteninsolong @mybrokenlittletoy @kiretto-laorentze @morelikepainsley @lavmars @tears-and-lilies @whump-me-all-night-long @newbornwhumperfly @itaina-anta @whump-it @haro-whumps @simplygrimly @alex-ember @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @mnmlover2002 @jordanstrophe @princessofonward @xmonster-under-the-bed @as-a-matter-of-whump @5boys1house @crystalrainwing @starnight-whump @chifechi @unicornscotty @penny-for-your-whump @getyourwhumphere @likeit-or-whumpit @jasm0307 @lightdrinker @hurting-fictional-people @captainseconds @glamrockgregory @justbreakonme @downrivergirl914 @cdragontogacotar @whumps-up @vaguelyhumanvoid @kim-poce @kween-pinescales

CW: pet whump, dehumanisation, force feeding, stress positions, references to mouth whump and burns

-

Rowe took to repeating the affirmations every day, whispering them past the newly empty gaps in his gums. When he did them, he could forget for a little while that he was going to die in his cell. At least he could die as something. He wouldn’t let Kasia turn him into an empty husk.

I have worth.

I don’t deserve pain.

I’m a person.

He was careful, of course, to lock them away when Kasia visited. He tried not to associate them with pain; he said them every day when he woke up, not when he was freshly hurting. He didn’t want to ever, ever, say them in front of Kasia.

He knew if he did it would just get him another beating, but they were his. They were precious. They were a relic of Master that Kasia couldn’t corrupt.

He just had to keep his stupid mouth shut when it mattered.

For the first time since his arrival here, Rowe spent a whole day alone. The hours ticked by as he started to see shapes in the floor, and wondered if Kasia would ever return. Was this it? Had he got bored already? Would Rowe be left to die and rot after less than a week, his capture so recent he could still feel Master’s hands in his?

In reality it only meant that when Kasia did come back the next day, Rowe despised himself for the brief flash of relief. The man he was at the mercy of had returned to torture him another day.

Kasia had brought more chains, and restraints, always in his duffle bag, and Rowe had quickly learnt to shrink away at the mere sight of it. Rowe stayed curled up on the floor as he entered, eyeing him like a kicked dog.

“Did you miss me, pup?”

“Please,” he replied hoarsely. “Please give me f-food. Please.”

Rowe would never have dared beg with his first Master. But he had always known that he would be fed, eventually, once he had learnt his lesson. And of course, he’d never needed to beg Master Tomas. But here, there weren’t any rules. Nothing was guaranteed. So fuck it, he might as well try to prolong his life.

“Today’s your lucky day. I actually brought something. You’ll have to earn it, though. No getting on my fucking nerves, yeah?”

You’re the one who chooses to come here, Rowe thought despairingly.

“Okay, okay, just please-“

“Didn’t you just hear me?” Kasia kicked him in the stomach and Rowe moaned. He nodded, wincing as the burns on his neck pressed together.

“Arms up, come on.”

. . .

Tomas had made it from the shower to the downstairs sofa, and he was content with that. Not proud, no, proud would imply he was happy with himself in some way, but at least he wasn’t completely catatonic today. Luca had texted saying to answer the door if it rang, and a part of Tomas still wanted to impress him, despite it all. So he had showered and brushed the last of the blood from his hair. God, how many days had it been?

A small movement on the floor caught his eye. A spider, out of reach, too far to feasibly get him. He felt acutely aware of his own apathy then, as instead of shrieking or running away, he just stared.

The chance of the spider hurting him was practically zero. And yet he was still afraid. Afraid of it crawling over his skin, afraid that it might come near him in the night when he was asleep and vulnerable, and although he knew deep down that it wouldn’t, there was always the possibility of it deciding to run up his leg at any given moment. Even being near it made him afraid.

He thought of Rowe. He felt like he understood something. He sighed.

Luca arrived not half an hour later, banging on the door and shouting for Tomas as if nothing was wrong.

“Hey! It’s me- don’t leave me outside on this cold night. I’m only an orphan boy.”

Tomas pulled the door open. He couldn’t smile, but seeing Luca felt like the weight in his stomach was lifted slightly.

“It’s not cold. And you’re not an orphan.”

“I am happy to see you, though,” Luca said calmly. He was holding a basket, its contents hidden under a teatowel. “I brought you a pull-yourself-together hamper. Some ready meals, dry shampoo, fruit, and stuff. And the teatowel. ‘Cause why not.”

Already Tomas could feel Luca’s warmth seeping into him. He put a hand over his mouth and nodded. “Than- thanks, thank you, you know you don’t owe me anything-“

“I know, handsome lad. But the thought of Rowe being kidnapped is- god, it’s awful. Don’t worry, I’m here of my own free will. Sometimes you just need someone else in the house.”

Tomas let him inside, feeling guilty about the mess, then feeling guilty because he was the one who allowed it to accumulate.

“Let’s open a window,” Luca suggested, and Tomas sloped over. “Want me to get that spider?”

He shook his head, trying uselessly to hide his face. “It’s fine, it’s fine, you can let it stay, I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m-“

His own voice cracking cut him off but he pressed on.

“I’m fine, I really am.”

“You’re not. It’s okay.”

“Just- how- how the fuck did I let this happen. How did I not, I mean, I trusted him this whole- whole time and now it’s all gone wrong and-“

He sat heavily on the floor, leaning his face into the side of the sofa, not blinking, not seeing. He breathed out and time seemed to slow.

Luca’s hand rested on his shoulder, a gentle pressure to his fingers.

“What’s done is done. You can’t help Rowe by falling apart, and you definitely can’t help yourself like that either. It’s, ah, it’s hard. It’s really hard. But you can collapse and cry and disintegrate when Rowe is back, I promise. Do you know where Kasia lives?”

Tomas nodded. “I haven’t even thought about that. I can’t believe myself.”

“Hey, no falling apart okay?” Luca’s tone was firm, and it made Tomas pull his head up, to look at him. His hair, braided in two chunky plaits, hung asymmetrically, one past his collarbone and one down his back. His eyeliner was winged like the letter V, drawn out in a point that came sharply back over his eyelid. Pretty. “That’s good to know, though. You could catch him on his way in or out, try to strike up a deal, I don’t know. I’ve not exactly had any experience with kidnappings either.”

“Yeah, it’s fucking stupid isn’t it. This whole situation is stupid. Fuck.”

Luca just looked at him, a sad smile ghosting over his face.

“I just can’t stop thinking about all the things that might be happening,” Tomas confessed. “He’s unhinged, he really is. He’s sick. And he’s got Rowe and the police don’t care, no one cares.”

“I care. You care.”

Tomas didn’t reply and the words hung over them. Two people caring wasn’t much. But, he supposed, it was better than nothing.

. . .

Rowe’s arms would dislocate, they would they absolutely would, Kasia was setting him up to dislocate both his god damn shoulders or arms or whatever. Rowe could hardly tell where the pain was located, it felt like it was everywhere, burning through his like a fire burns a taut string.

The food- dog food, but still edible, still something- sat before him, emptied on the floor, and from where Rowe knelt he should’ve been able to lean and eat easily. But Kasia had his arms bound and tied to the bars of the cage door, pulling them back and turning any movement into agony. Not only was he bent out of shape, but the burns along his shoulders were irritated awfully. He was sure his skin would burst open any second.

It had been twenty minutes at most, and already he was exhausted. Sweat rolled down him, dripping off his nose. He could hardly breathe.

Kasia’s heavy boot pressed down on the crown of his head, and his moan quickly became a scream of pain.

“No, no please!”

“I thought you were hungry. I’m helping.”

The pressure doubled, forcing Rowe’s face closer to the dog food, until he was close enough to open his mouth and take a bite. Disgust flooded him, and it only increased when he chewed. He swallowed past the collar, his throat pressing uncomfortably against it, and oh god, it felt so good, it was food in his belly, he was thankful for it despite everything. Kasia seemed satisfied and released his boot, sending Rowe’s head springing back to relieve the pressure on his shoulders. The skin near his burns had ripped and were bleeding, but nothing was dislocated.

“You’re definitely still hungry. How about another bite?”

Before Rowe could speak, Kasia had grabbed a fistful of hair, shoving him down, the sudden pull on his arms a thousand times worse than before, worse than anything, the pain was clouding his mind and he couldn’t think of anything but the barest, most built-in responses.

He screamed.

Spit flew from his mouth. Kasia kept pressing, his fingers curling tighter together, and the burning on Rowe’s scalp joined the rest of his body. His fingers were surely purple with how hard Kasia had tied them. Rowe had lost all feeling beyond his wrists.

“Please!”

Kasia ignored him.

“Please, st-stop, please M-M-Master Tomas help me-“

“He’s not fucking coming you stupid dog,” Kasia growled and pulled Rowe’s face all the way down, cracking his chin against the concrete, a deep shooting pain through his face and remaining teeth. He moaned. More skin tore along his shoulders. “No one’s coming to save you.”

A kick sent him lurching to the side, twisting his body until he was sprawled with his back to the floor, staring up at his bound hands, which were a mixture of blue and purple and were not moving at all.

He turned his head to see Kasia grabbing a fistful of the dog food from the floor and stepping over him.

“Mouth open.” Rowe complied and Kasia smiled mockingly. “Good boy.”

The dog food was shoved in, packing against the walls of his mouth, Kasia’s fingers prodding his gums, and it took everything not to vomit. His stomach heaved but nothing came. All he could do was be a good boy, and eat.

“Tomas isn’t your Master. He’s not coming.”

Present tense, thought Rowe as his eyes watered from the taste. He’s not dead.

. . .

Tomas couldn’t stop his legs from shaking as he stood on Kasia’s street, his hands tucked under his armpits for warmth. Yeah, the shaking was definitely just from the cold. Sure.

By the time Kasia appeared, it was night. He stalked down the street, stumbling slightly, and Tomas realised he was drunk. If he hadn’t had a reason to be there, he would have walked away right now, and fast.

When Kasia got close enough, Tomas stepped out of the shadows, forcing Kasia to stop and fix him with a glare.

“Give him back.”

“Or what?” he asked flatly, as if this meeting was no surprise. “Hah, you look like shit Tomas.”

“Give him fucking back, what do you want for him, money? You’re torturing a human being you sick fuck.”

“I’m having some fun with a Pet,” Kasia smiled. “And if you start whining like this I will just kill him.”

Tomas stiffened. “You wouldn’t.”

“You so sure about that?”

“Let him go.”

“No,” Kasia pushed him once and Tomas stumbled back, hitting a wall. He blinked and Kasia’s face was pressed up in front of his. He stank of booze and cigarettes. “Fuck off or I’ll kill him. I’ll hurt him worse to make up for this, too.”

“No, fuck no just leave him fucking alone-“

Kasia swung once, but mercifully something made him miss. Carelessness, the alcohol, perhaps just the assumption that Tomas was too pathetic to move out of the way. His fist cracked against the wall and as he shouted in pain Tomas considered kicking him between the legs, spitting on him, whatever. But Rowe’s life was at stake so, like the coward he was, he ran into the night, Kasia shouting taunts behind him.

Luca looked up when he pushed through the door, panting. He’d run the entire way. Luca stayed silent; the look on Tomas’s face was telling enough.

“I’m a fucking failure,” he whispered, and started to cry.

[borisbubbles]

ESC 2021 Preshow: 08. France

Barbara Pravi - “Voilà”

Autoqualifier

France going from 3rd last on my ranking / likely last place in the finale to 8th place in the ranking / probably top 3 in the Grand Final. 😍 WHAT A GLOW-UP.

So, “Voilà” is epic, obviously. Yeah I will skip the theatrics, each and every one of you know this song and we all know it’s probably the best French entry in ages. 

Funnily enough, I didn’t care for “Voilà” when I first heard it lmfao. It felt similar to the song Patricia Kaas went to Eurovision with and while “Et s’il faillait le faire” has its fans, I was never one of them. Worse, the internet immediately resorted to refering to “Voilà” as a “masterpiece” which is probably the pretentious statement you can make about Eurovision songs. Guys, it’s an Edith Piaf-inspired tribute act. Calm the eff down. Still, even at this early a stage I was instantly charmed by Barbara’s introspection and pluck even if I didn’t care for the music at first. After all, Barbara was the mastermind behind jesc HITS “Bim bam toi” and “J’imagine” and if she wants to bring a song that puts HER SELF at the forefront, she’s perfectly entitled to do so. About fucking time. On top of that, I thought the ending was sublime, even in studio version. “Why can’t the entire song be like that”, I thought. And then, E:CVQD arrived and Barbara SERVED, OUTSOLD, SLAYED, etc every superlative under the sun. 

So remember when I aired my critique regarding Gjon? “Tout l’Univers” is an “Objectively Strong” composition in that it employs music theory to conjure up a song that sounds impressive on first listen. But behind that academic skill lies virtually nothing of interest. I cannot connect with it beyond a base level because what does it tell me about Gjon or his story? Technique without a heart or a soul is merely pretense. But I suppose it can sound sophisticated to someone who doesn’t know what “sophistication” is. 

Barbara, however. Her personality just SPRINGS FORWARD on an approachable level from the first note. “Voilà”s’s technical expertise and Barbara’s own perfomance talents carry this vibe, this SERVE of personality, through the full three minutes without ever getting boring or tedious and they leave me craving for another listen. ALL OF THESE ARE AMAZING TRAITS IN A EUROVISION SONG. And this is just from the studio version, the live stage show makes it even better. 

So yeah, homeboy’s got his work cut out for him because if this is his competition he’ll have to graft hard for his victory.

NF Corner -  C’est Vous Qui Décidez

In what would become a running theme amidst countries this year, France led the charge in a personal project called #OperationForget2020, in which every trace of last year would be subsequently memory-holed. To acheive this, they revived their NF, gave it a new name and pretended it was ~The First NF of Its Format~ (so basically doing what Lithuania did last year when they rebranded Atranka into PiN).

INCIDENTALLY, this would also wind up the best NF of the year, pretty much by default because France had the most to win. Even though Barbara was the obvious winner from the instant the songs were revealed, the French had some excellent back-up options in their arsenal. Let’s rummage through them shall we?

LMK - “Magique”

R&B Trap wench <3 “Magique” starts off pretty and cute for fifteen seconds, before whiplashing hard into kick-ass tropical house territory. Her Slovene spirit mothers Raiven and Lea Sirk are so proud of her <3 She definitely deserved much better than the result she got (being NQ with the audience O_O), but lol it’s France, they ain’t NEVER crowning a sexually confident sassy woman, let’s not kid ourselves. 

Céphaz - “On a mangé le soleil”

This Hat God had me at that title. “We have eaten the sun” 😍😍😍😍. More songs should adopt a fatalistic environmental angle by using consumption-related metaphors à la “we’ve devoured out planet :burp:, MOAR”, and then set this suuuuper cynical and depressing text to an upbeat and optimistic soundtrack <3 The “Hey ya” tease of it all. 😍

Amui - “Maeva”

So cheerful it turns a surly cretin such as myself into a blundering mass of uwu. It’s like a nillies Eurovision semi NQ’er suddenly wandered into the set, so derivative and repetitive and tacky but SO fun and happy-go-lucky <3 The entire premise of “Maeva” is basically like: “VISIT FRENCH POLYNESIA, WE ARE THE MOST HOSPITABLE PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH” <333 using this message in the middle of a worldwide viral pandemic <33333333 Normally fun-trash like this would be murdered at first sight by any jury, but whoops “Maeva” turned out a massive televote hit HEHEE 😛 and finished third in the televote despite being last or second last with the jury. Those Tahitian diasporia votes coming through <3

Adriamad - “Allélujah”

TACKY EUROTRASH <3 Lol when I think of it, did I like this NF because it was good or because it was so fun-trash. Anyway, this display of diversity would normally be on my shitlist but it’s honestly SO OTT in its ~People Of The World Of All Colours Are Equal~ message it circles back into funny. The eye gimmick, the hammy choreography, the obnoxious fusion of several cultures into a nondescript ethnotrash hodgepodge, the fucking LYRICS everything is so funny and so entertaining it’s giving me LIFE. 😍 I’d say it deserved better but “Allélujah” stranding in the demifinal (not a typo) is honestly a much, much more satisfying result <3

Predicted Journey - France

Barbara is going on that Mahmood trajectory, I see. Early fave who gets near unanimous critical acclaim, rules solely on top until the other contenders show up and is then put on the backburner because she’s an autoqualifier and therefore isn’t a part of the “who will qualify?” discussions. Then, the rehearsals will happen and everyone will remember “hey, that French chick we almost forgot about is actually REALLY good” allowing her to pick up momentum again, catapulting her into the top five. So it is written, such it shall be.

The question is... Can she win? 

The answer is: yeah, possibly? At this point we have three potential contenders: Gjon for Switzerland and Destiny for Malta are the main rivals and I’d say Barbara has one big advantage over Gjon and Destiny: She already has a great live performance to back up her potential winner status. In fact, Barbara is a fave to win because we know what she’s going to bring in Rotterdam.  Gjon and Destiny could theoretically still bomb if their staging is off (and both are getting theirs done by Sasha Jean-Baptiste, soooooo) and their contenderness is based on things such as hype and expectation. Barbara meanwhile already had her baptism by fire when she competed in E:CQVD, which she handily won.

The problem though is Gjon Muharremaj. For the average eurofan, France and Switzerland have similar entries and it will result in a tug-of-war between which of them has the better song. Either could win this televote bout, and whoever does could beat Malta.. .but that would require Malta to have a disappointing televote result and with each passing day this is starting to look less likely. (Jury results matter less because they’re probably the top 3).  Personally I don’t really have a preference between Barbara OR Destiny as a win for either would push Eurovision in a better direction (A Gjon win though... I am TERRIFIED that may result in a 2022 contest filled with Vincent Bueno’s and Vasils), but if these three are indeed the top three, Barbara’s position is the most secure although she’s probably also the least likely one to actually win. Pray that I’m wrong though and we can all meet at her flat in Montmartre for a covid-proof afterparty. 

Projected placements:

> Grandfinal: 1st-5th (predicted Runner-up)

THE RANKING: 

01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. FRANCE - Barbara Pravi - “Voilà” 09. BULGARIA - Victoria - “Growing up is getting old” 10. LATVIA - Samanta Tina - “The moon is rising” 11. GREECE - Stefania - “Last dance” 12. SWEDEN - Tusse - “Voices” 13. IRELAND - Leslie Roy - “Maps” 14. CROATIA - Albina - “Tick Tock” 15. MOLDOVA - Natalia Gordienko - “Sugar” 16. ITALY - Måneskin - “Zitti e buoni” 17. ALBANIA - Anxhela Peristeri - “Karma” 18. UNITED KINGDOM - James Newman - “Embers” 19. LITHUANIA - The Roop - “Discoteque” 20. ESTONIA - Uku Suviste - “The lucky one” 21. FINLAND - Blind Channel - “Dark side” 22. AZERBAIJAN - Efendi - “Mata Hari” 23. the NETHERLANDS - Jeangu Macrooy - “Birth of a new age” 24. CZECH REPUBLIC - Benny Christo - “Omaga” 25. DENMARK - Fyr og Flamme - “Øve os på hinanden” 26. SLOVENIA - Ana Soklič - “Amen” 27. SWITZERLAND - Gjon’s Tears - “Tout l’Univers” 28. ROMANIA - Roxen - “Amnesia” 29. SERBIA - Huricane - “Loco loco” 30. POLAND - Rafał - “The ride” 31. ISRAEL - Eden Alene - “Set me free” 32. GEORGIA - Tornike Kipiani - “You” 33. PORTUGAL - The Black Mamba - “Love is on my side” 34. SPAIN - Blas Cantó - “Voy a quedarme” 35. NORWAY - Tix - “Fallen Angel” 36. CYPRUS - Elena Tsagrinou - “El Diablo” 37. AUSTRIA - Vincent Bueno - “Amen” 38. NORTH MACEDONIA - Vasil - “Here I stand” 39. GERMANY - Jendrik - “I don’t feel hate”

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Sorry for bring my comments so late, I have been helping my Mother with her shop and also watching series my friend recommended me, But now I'm here Excited to Read More!

Chapter 18

you know, reading about MC distancing themself from Rowan Never Would not be a total pain for me, Like, The Friendship between MC and Rowan showed in screen was always so wholesome but Yet so sad, because You really don't have an option to keep your Friendship with Them, because The Writing Of The game makes You simply be distant from them. The only thing that makes have a little hope for Rowan It's The Fanfic says loosely follows plot till Year 6 and The Fictober was created I Think Before “that” chapter. God, It's just a paragraph and I'm really thinking in that.

DAMN. For Some reason I never really expected Bellatrix to being mentioned and just gonna Say Poor Tonks, Like in-game She has a Easy going Personality but It's really concerning when You remember What happens and What She dealts with. And can I just Say The Headcannon Of her hating her real face because resembles Bellatrix makes Perfect sense and It's so Beautiful in a really angsty and murky kind Of way? Because It's similar that happens to One Of my Oc's, She has a trauma related to her twin sister that's The reason She has eisotrophobia (Fear to The reflection on The mirror) because She always sees her Twins face and The worst Part Is her Mother stills confusing Them because Never expected The day She Will see The Twins Split up. It's a Story I Thought when I was with my psychologist.

I love The saltiness Of Luca to Dumbledore, It's... actually Pretty Understandable, Dumbledore in The Books was already Shady and The most funny part It's probably Rowling didn't even wanted him to come off as that, Why then make The main Character, One Of The principal victims of Albus, give His name to His son? and in Hphm Albus It's still a manipulator but Like a Dumb manipulator, In The game it's More apparent that He's a Shady person and It's not half as subtle as it Was in The whole series. Having that, I Think It's really satisfying seeing a HP Protagonist actually face him off and see who he actually Is.

Luca is a total softie for Merula, They're really adorable.

OHOH I LITERALLY SCREAMED

Luca Trying so Hard to have a Happy memory for The Patronus It's honestly really... personal to me, like I have Many Intrusive Thoughts when I try to revive a Happy memory because Of my own trauma related Things I Can't even Like things I used to. But I'm really proud Of Them for finally making it, Can't I Even Start to describe how Many soft feelings The memory and The whole “Mitten Is my patronus” give me, Your ideas are so awesome I Can't

Luca comforting Merula It's SO BEAUTIFUL and hits too close to home, I hace Many Friends with low self-esteem believing They're Bad persons and I'm The One who brings Them to earth.

It's Good to see The Racoon Again, I'm already putting On my Inner Sherlock Holmes for knowing Of Who Is The Patronus

This Message really It's too long, I'll keep reading In Other menssage in Other day, I Hope your Mother It's fine and takes care Of herself. Have a Good, Brandon!

— The Remembrance anon

Oh my good friend, I am the last person to complain about late comments right now, believe me. You won’t hear any objections from me because I’ve been responding at a snail’s pace myself (and my beloved anons have been so very patient) and because no matter how long it may take for whatever reason, I am always delighted to hear from you, so thank you for making my day! 

Trust me, the bit about Rowan bothers me as well. I wanted to incorporate the “Rowan is R” theory because it’s almost a little ridiculous that no one in-game brings up the possibility until the middle of Year 5, when MC has known about R since the start of Year 2. Like, I wanted to acknowledge it. Plus I think it can give a good in-universe explanation for the distance between MC and Rowan beyond the horribly cynical idea that MC outgrew them, which I flat out refuse to accept. Luca would never, could never, leave Rowan behind like that for something so shallow. As for what is to come...well, I suppose you’ll just have to see! You are right though, I think we were like, nine or ten chapters into Year 6 at the point I was writing this. 

I have so many headcanons about Tonks and as I went through Luca’s story, I realized that I could absolutely incorporate them. Because she’s canon, she’s one of those characters that it’s easy to forget about or take for granted in the background, but hey - she’s in Luca’s House, part of the best friend squad they formed in Chapter 6, and is one of their roommates on most nights. Plus Luca has a curious tendency to bond with the wildly chaotic types, so of course Tonks would be one of their closest friends. Can I further say that the whole concept you just described about the twins is fantastic and hella chilling? I would read about that. I would read a whole book about that. 

Oh, you like Luca’s displeasure with Dumbledore? Hmm, methinks you’re going to like some of the future chapters then...Truly, I didn’t originally intend for this to be an aspect of their character, but the whole incident with them being punished for dueling Merula in Year 1 really stuck with them somehow. It’s very much something that they inherit from me, the criticisms of Dumbledore, but I never realized that a character this soft would inherit them. Fun fact: I used to have a different MC who basically morphed into my iteration of Jacob that always hated Dumbledore because they were just like him and saw him for what he was, one manipulator to another. In general, I have to applaud what this game has done with him because he’s one hundred percent in character - hence why he enrages me so much. 

See, see now I’m curious what inspired you to scream. Part of me wants to guess, the other half of me doesn’t want to be presumptuous or pompous. Either way, I’m glad to have gotten such reactions! In any case, thank you so much for what you said about Luca and Merula and the Patronus scene. It means a lot to me because with Luca I basically tried my hand at writing a character with a debilitating mental illness, (a fictional one, obviously) and I wasn’t sure if it landed well or not. One thing I feel very strongly about is MC and Merula’s bond, especially this MC. Luca is the one who picked the “We can talk this out” option at the start and never wavered from that. I’m not even gonna lie, I’ve gone back and forth a lot on what Luca’s Patronus would be, but this is a good one for them because it reflects the people in their life that they love. Not just Mitten, but Merula as well. (She’s a cat for sure.) 

Thank you so much once again for sending me these messages and showing me this kindness! I hope that everything is going well for you and that you have a wonderful time! 

[pastelwitchling]

Mamma mia. Here I go again.

Okay. Throughout most of the episode, and for hours afterwards, all I did was feel numb and cry, so I won’t pretend this was a pleasing episode on all accounts. It’s morning now, and I feel more clear-headed, so let’s begin, shall we?

First of all, as I always do, I want to start with Alex. He’s my soul, my heart, my magic, my everything, and seeing him is always, always worth it. It’s been established that Alex is a Captain with his own team that obey his orders (a piece of my heart was branded by Alex Manes that day, and I am proud of that).

Now we get to the painful parts, the parts that had me muttering to the screen and myself the entire episode. I’ve gotten question after question of some of you guys asking me if Alex is acknowledged, if Alex is treated well, if Alex is spoken to, and this, unfortunately, was the source of my miserable mumblings because the cruel answer is no. The serious lack of anyone mentioning or even acknowledging Alex downright baffled me. After Alex lets them into the facility, that’s pretty much the end of anyone asking him any questions, or even trying to pretend they were worried about him.

No concerns about; What if you get caught? What if they find out you let us in here? What if you get in trouble? Maybe we shouldn’t be here, if it might get you found out.

The closest we came to it was Michael asking Alex what he tells his team, and Alex saying his team doesn’t ask questions, and I -- honest to the gods -- can’t tell if it’s concern for Alex or concern for himself or just sheer, pointless curiosity. I like to think it’s concern for Alex, I definitely feel like there’s a constant concern for Alex, a constant love for him, that Michael won’t confess to. Alex is always, always at the forefront of his mind.

That being said, and as much as I love subtlety, I need once -- just once -- for someone to defend Alex, to say a single kind word about him, but that has never, ever happened. In season one, we had Kyle say a few very nice things to Alex, we saw Kyle be there for him, but... for the love of the gods, what about Michael?

Michael never defended Alex to a single person, but he’ll start a fistfight over a flyer? Knows what it’s like to lose your mom? Everyone’s lost their mom on this show! Let me ask, did Michael ever seem to even slightly question where Alex’s mom was, what she was doing? Did he ever show he cared?

And this part -- this part especially -- was what seriously hurt me; Liz asks Michael why he just can’t admit he cares about Maria, and I honestly expected her to mention Alex just once, but no one did. I honestly started at the screen, completely bewildered and shocked, my heart filled with disbelief as I said out loud, “Liz, Alex is your friend, too!”

They’re carrying on with this storyline as if Alex doesn’t exist, and it makes even Liz seem like not a good friend because she knows that this is deeper than just Michael and Maria, that her other best friend is involved (her best friend who went to a fucking morgue to get access to a corpse just because he trusts her that much, by the way). She should have the common sense not to get involved!

No one is looking out for Alex, no one is concerned for him, no one mentions him. It’s honestly as if he’s only there when they need him for something, and beyond that he just doesn’t matter in their minds. It breaks me.

Now, as for the big “I like Maria, okay?” (ew, I skipped those revolting m*luca scenes, I tried powering through, I did, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, it’s so cringey and weird and gross), here’s where there may be a conflict of opinion; I was glad for it. It hurt like hell, and that look on Alex’s face will forever haunt me. When he said, “If I could choose to be with Maria DeLuca, I would, too,” it felt to me like Alex was not completely shocked by the confession, but resigned, because I think a part of him knew the truth, and was just now confronted with it, and he was handling it as a soldier and leader, as he handles everything. But it also felt to me like Alex was just miserable at the fact that he just doesn’t find women attractive, that it’s so much harder for him to feel an attraction, to have hope of being in love in this town. But he stays because everyone always needs him, everyone’s a priority, and you just know Mimi’s going to be another priority that he’ll want to fix.

But the I like blah blah blah scene was such a relief to me (the part of me that wasn’t dying for my Alex) for two reasons; one, they didn’t drag it out. Two, Alex is not led on. He’s not being given any fake reassurances that Michael only has eyes for him, he knows the truth (by the Angel), so hopefully he can just move forward from here. I try not to think about that scene -- I skipped the m*luca scenes because they just made me so ill, so there’s not much I can say on those either other than the fact that Alex is never acknowledged and Maria has come off worse and worse this season. Which is also crazy to me because all of those scenes with Maria and Isobel; they prove that the writers do know what romantic chemistry looks like (and those two had it), so why they’re putting two people with zero romantic chemistry together is mind-boggling to me.

I know it’s only the second episode, and I will never, ever consider not watching the show because I love it, it’s been my favorite since the Shadowhunters finale aired, and seeing Alex will always make it worth it all (did you see how cool and beautiful he was with his dad? How magical he was? The chemistry he has with Flint and his father are off the charts phenomenal, I can’t get enough of them). And I ship malex, and I believe they’re endgame, but honestly? The only thing that makes all of this slightly bearable is the idea of Alex’s love interest. I understand Michael is hurting, but it’s like Alex doesn’t exist outside of when they need him for something. Me just saying, “He’s so clearly thinking of Alex,” can only satisfy me for so long, and we’ve kind of reached that breaking point. In the entire first season, Michael never sought Alex out once, and yet he’s moved the airstream next to the Wild Pony? What’s Alex going to think when he sees that? How’s he going to feel? Oh wait, that might just get glossed over in a tweet or a two second scene or not even mentioned or shown at all.

I swear to the gods, if Carina explains away the spaceship piece in a tweet, I will lose all respect for her as a storyteller. I still respect her storytelling, I’m still having faith, but if that spaceship piece scene is fucked up, so help me, I will never respect her storytelling again, even when Malex get back together for good because she took a pivotal moment, a moment that means so much because of the intention behind it, and explained it away in a time jump or tweet as if it means nothing, and as a storyteller myself who values those kinds of moments, I can’t see myself ever forgetting that. Carina’s so fond of explaining away storylines we’ve been waiting for in tweets, why not explain away m*luca? Why not let that have happened in the two week span, off camera? Since all the good moments are off camera or barely glanced at, why not take away the one no one wants? I mean, by the Angel, it’s gotten to the point where, when Steph showed up (who is so obviously an alien, by the way, I hope they weren’t planning to shock us with that), I actually got upset and said, “Oh no, please don’t take away Kyle, he’s all Alex has!”

I love this show, I love Michael, Alex will always be worth it, but... I also really hope Forest (or whoever the love interest is) is everything I want him to be. I hope he’s so blatantly and bluntly and clearly in love with Alex, I hope he flirts with him in the open, and calls him attractive and hot and brilliant, and openly shows he loves him, and I hope Michael gets so jealous it nearly kills him. I want Alex to get everything he deserves, I want him to be happy and have his own love interest, because believe me, that love interest is one of the very few things keeping me as gracious about this storyline as I am being now.

[pinkykitten]

I’m here for you

13 Reasons Why

Clay Jensen x female! reader

Warning: did not re-read, sexual assault, mentions of suicide, takings of sexual assault, cursing 

Specifics: angst, romance, one-shot, race neutral reader

People: clay jensen, bryce walkers, jessica davis, parents 

Words: 1,398

Requested: By anon can you do an imagine where you go to clay after you’re sexually assaulted and he comforts you and everything? it happened to me somewhat recently and idk i just need like comfort. it’s okay if you don’t wanna write it.

Authors Note: now this has a lot of stuff in it so if you cannot read this i totally understand so i put all the writing under the cut so you would have to see anything if you didnt want to. i am so sorry anon that you again had to go through something like this. its not easy and is so terrible and heartbreaking, my heart is with you in these tough times. if you need to maybe read this with somebody near by you, maybe a friend or adult if these trigger you. If you need to as well talk to someone pls do, call the hotline and talk with a trusted person. if yall dont have that you guys can whenever talk to me about whatever i am here for you 24/7 no matter what.

He touched you. You didn’t want it. It wasn’t love and it wasn’t normal. He didn’t listen to your cries; your screams; your protests. He didn’t leave you alone or move. He knew you didn’t want it, him, but yet he chose to keep touching you. 

You crouched by Bryce’s closet; sobbing into your hands. Your mascara dripping down your face and landing on your carpet. Your lips quivered as you replayed what happened moments before. 

You had gone to Bryce’s house to finish a project you had with him. You didn’t really know him so you were not worried. As you entered into his house you then started to have an unsettling feeling. He was alone and it was just you and him. 

“It okay y/n. I’ll take good care of you,” he would say to you. Feeding your expectations of him and lying to you. “This is normal. I know you want this.” He whispered into your ear as you tried to push him off. He was greedy and selfish not caring about you. Now you understood why Hannah killed herself. 

After Bryce took advantage of you he pushed you off like a piece of trash. Like you were an object instead of a person; a woman. Thoughts raced into your mind as you thought of the way his hands pinched and hurt your skin; leaving bruises littered all over your body. 

It was hard to stand up. You were shaking. You looked beyond the doorway and noticed he had left somewhere else. With everything that you had you sprinted to his window. Unlocking the hinges made a noise and you heard Bryce yell. 

“Hey what the f*ck are you doing?” He screamed as you heard his footsteps near you. 

With everything that you had you unlocked the window and opened it; jumping out. You ran down the street away from the monster. 

Bryce saw you leave. His eyes squinting as he licked his lips. Proud and satisfied with what he did to you. Drinking the last bit of alcohol he had in his cup. He had to make sure you didn’t say a word; that you kept your mouth shut. 

You ran like he was still behind you; never looking back until you reached home. Your parents were out of town for the week so you truly did feel alone. You locked your doors and fell into your bed; crying. You sobbed into your pillow. You felt the innocence drain out of you. Your trust in people disappear. 

“Why me?” You groaned as you felt sick to your stomach. The moments, the feeling, the words, smell, taste, everything never leaving you. It was as if it was engraved in your mind. You wish you could forget it; leave it. Dig it up somewhere far away. You remembered every second of it. 

You wanted to call Clay; your best friend but you were afraid as to what he would say. Afraid he would want to start a fight with Bryce. Maybe even afraid he wouldn’t believe you. You stared longingly at his number on your phone; wishing he was here with you. 

“Clay you haven’t seen y/n, right?” Jessica asked, lifting a piece of paper to show him that they have a science project to do together. “I haven’t seen her in like forever.”

Clay licked his lips. Trying to remember the last time he did see you. Its been a while. You hadn’t gone to school in about 3 days already and Clay was worried about you. “Yeah, you’re right. I haven’t seen y/n at all actually. Maybe she went with her parents.”

“Well I just wonder because we we’re supposed to go over this yesterday.”

“Maybe she’s not feeling good. I’ll pass by her house today.”

After school Clay got on his bike and rode off quickly to your house. A part of him felt at ease and another felt worried. What if something happened to you? He would not be able to live with himself knowing two of the most important people in his life had something bad happened to them. Hannah and now you.

“Y/n!” Clay said as he motioned over to your door. He rang the doorbell and waited. His feet tapping gently against the cement floor. “Y/n open up please!” 

He looked at his phone and noticed you never texted back all those texts he sent you. Concerned, he started knocking then knocking turned into pounding. “Y/n I said open the God d*amn door please!” Clay walked back and was about to run into the door but you opened it just in time. 

“Clay! What the f*ck?” You asked, surprised. You were wrapped up in your pajamas. Your face all gloomy looking and not kept up with. You looked like you hadn’t seen the sun in ages as your eyes squinted at the light. You looked like a mess. “What do you want?”

Clay thought it was odd that she was acting fine when he knew something was up. “I just, you didn’t come to school today or the other days and I just wanted to check up on you.”

“Well you did and I’m fine.” You tried closing the door but Clay stopped you, putting his hand out. 

“Y/n, whats really going on?”

You bit your nails as you looked down; trying not to cry. “I’m fine really. Now just leave me alone.”

“No, I’m not going to. Y/n you’re pretending. You’re pretending to be okay when you’re not. I know somethings up. You usually text me and you didn’t this time. You usually tell me everything and now you’re keeping sh*t away from me. What the f*ck is going on?”

“Its him okay!” You cried out, rubbing your forehead from the pain increasing there. “It was...him.”

“Who’s him?”

You looked left and right outside and brought Clay in by the sleeve. “Clay...Bryce...Bryce did stuff to me.”

Clay knitted his eyebrows and placed his hands on your arms. “What do you mean y/n? What did Bryce do?”

“He,” tears started to poor from your eyes. “He sexually assaulted me Clay. He did things to me that I didn’t want. I said no Clay. I said no.” You sobbed harder as Clay brought you to his chest. Your face pressed against his chest so you could hear his heart beat quicken. 

Clay’s face reddened as he became so angry. All he wanted was to protect you and now you were hurt. “I am so sorry y/n.” He was so irate that he couldn’t search for the words at the moment to help soothe you. He just let you cry into his chest as he patted your back. 

“Clay, he took that piece away from me. That piece of myself. I wanted to tell you this for a while but I like you Clay, a lot. You are a good guy, you’re kind and sweet and you’re always making sure I’m alright but now I can’t be with you. I’m wasted. I’m disgusting. I’ve been touched and I’m vile now. I’ve been spoiled. I’m a wasteful mess.” You fell onto your knees as you cried into your hands. 

Clay was so shocked. He never knew you felt that way about him. He also got on his knees and brought you onto his lap, rocking you as he embraced you. “You’re none of those things. This is not your fault, this is Bryce’s. He will pay for what he has done I will make sure of that. As for you, you are more than enough. I don’t deserve you. You are strong to have gone through this. You are powerful. You will achieve and make it on top. I am here for you y/n. I will make sure no one ever touches you again. You mean so much to me y/n. You are perfect in every way. I love you for the woman you have become. You are incredible. Don’t let him take control of you. You did not deserve this but you do deserve happiness and love. If you want me I am here for you.” Clay kissed your knuckles as he soothed you on the floor, tears dripping from his eyes as well. “You mean so much to me and so much to others in your life. Just know that. I’m here for you y/n, I am here for you.” 

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @dirbel, @eastcoasthaven, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag),

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[livingwithmyimaginaryfriend]

I don’t want to Involve Crazy Fandom anymore

DISCLAIMER: This post contains might be triggered. If you're being sensitive, please do not attack my post, it would be a problem. This topic based on my experience and opinion.

First of all, I was confused to make a title correctly, is it about the reason why i don’t like fandom, i can’t stand of fandom/stan, or i am no longer to be part of toxic fandom. Last time, i wrote 6 Things I Currently Hate on the Internet about Toxic Fandom in Music Community. In this content, I’m going to write about the dark side of being crazy stans or toxic fandom.  

Now, I’m almost 25 and i want give some explanation that I have no longer become a fandom based on true story. just because I’m not a very huge fan of idol like artist/band doesn’t mean I’m a fake fan or hater. So I will recognize that last time i become a fandom was 5SOSFAM and K-pop fan including BTS Army. 

I was a huge fan of 5SOS since 2014 when i was in high school then later went to university. I started to like their music and the boys. Their music used to be a pop rock, pop punk and power pop but now they turn to pop which i surprisingly not my taste. Then, i like the boys because not only they’re attractive, but also their Australian accent which i adore. I followed their Twitter and Instagram account both of their own account and band account. Then also, I followed 5SOS fan account on social media platform to update what are the boys doing and true story when a fan meet the boys. I remember when 5SOS announced they will tour in Indonesia on March 2016, I was totally shocked but excited to see the boys as die hard fan. Before the tickets announced, hopefully are not expensive. But unfortunately, when the pricelist of the ticket came out,  it was beyond unexpected. I was really down and disappointed to see the pricelist. Then, I prayed to God to hope I’ve got a ticket to see my favorite band. Thank god, dreams come true. My dad bought me a ticket which was slightly expensive, but whatever. LOL. Actually, I went to the concert by myself, even though friends at the campus that knew 5SOS was not a huge fan of them which made me sad, but i didn’t care. 

Years later, I started to quit as 5sosfam in 2017 when the boys were on hiatus. They decided to go to LA, hang out with their friends or girlfriends of course, mostly they’re partying instead of making a new album. I remember that 5SOS3 which means that 5sos new third album coming soon and i thought it will be released in 2017 but won’t happen.

So let’s talk about 5SOSFAM. I am gonna be honest based on my experience, the fandom was really nice, loyal and friendly especially on twitter when I replied or mentioned about 5SOS on fan account, they replied so nicely and also I tweeted about being positive thinking as a fan although we’re not able to meet the boys, and then i got many likes probably. And then, i went to 5SOS concert Sounds Live Feels Live (SLFL) back in March 2016, the majority of what I have seen at the concert  were teenagers and young adults like me. Then. I talked briefly to the fans, they were extremely nice even though we were not getting know each other yet. We’re satisfied to talk about the boys, the dramas, anything like that, it gave me chill. During at the concert, I was screaming, screaming and screaming, singing over top of my lungs, dancing and also fangirling like a 13 years old. Best memories that I have been through. 

However, things got pretty toxic when there’s a plenty of drama especially I remember when 5SOS on rolling stone magazine back in 2015. They talked about rock n roll lifestyle and of course fucking with the girls. Everyone thought about the article was fake or not. Back when i was a fan, I completely defended with these dudes and I thought “I can’t believe it, is this true? or I’m pretty sure it was fake.” Then again, when 5SOS rumored they want to spend holiday in Bali, Indonesia end of the year, I was totally surprised. Me as Indonesian were overly proud and happy but unfortunately the drama has begun when the boys were on holiday with LA dudes and girlfriends. That made me want to left the fandom just for a while until the boys started the SLFL tour. 

Talking about the drama, the boys currently are dating with girls which is official or rumor, their fandom were started losing their fucking mind and freaked out until now I think and then made an account exposing 5SOS on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr to expose or rant about their girlfriends. Whereas, there’s  fandom who die hard fan of the boys and also defend their girlfriends, support them, made an account like defending 5SOS’ girlfriends. Mostly posted about girlfriends’ photos, making an overused statement like “spread love not hate” just like making a peace, You know what’s the most annoying is “if you don’t like/support/defend their girlfriends, you are a fake fan and you hate the boys”.  I hated it when defender 5SOS girlfriends were shipping so hard like Mystal (Michael and Crystal) or Brashton (Ashton and Bryana) or Larzaylea (Luke and Arzaylea) Nialum (Calum and Nia) being called “mom and dad.” If they broke up, they will be desperately sad and made meme like when Brashton broke up, insert Broken Home song with quote “hey mom and dad when did this end? when did you lose your happiness?”. Then I was like FML. Irritating, am I right?  

Things got petty when 5SOSFAM make a war between the anti-5SOS girlfriends vs defender 5SOS girlfriends which is extremely toxic and annoying. That’s why I want to left from the room with full of nasty toxic childish stans and want unfollow 5SOS account to never want to look update the boys again. And thank god, i left from that. I have to admit that Ii didn’t like their girlfriends especially their looks. but the only I have to know that their attitude or action what are gonna look like, are they phony, nice, problematic, hypocrite, sweet?  i don’t care. Actually I didn’t give a flying fuck when the boys are dating with their girlfriends until now or breakup. Don’t get me wrong,  i was delusional when they boys date with their girlfriends both are real of fake. Seriously, Most of 5SOS stans on drama account were jealous just like me, so i defended the drama account LOL because how i loathed their girlfriends so much. Despite i loathed 5sos girlfriends, I never sent them death threads or troll on their own social media account but I commented when the boys were on together with them on drama account with full of jealousy.   

I remember when i get attacked by Bryana stan when I wrote a comment something bad on Instagram. Do you still remember Bryana Holly when Ashton secretly was dating her in early 2015? And i thought, oh crap can’t believe they seemed are in relationship when they cuddled together.  After Ashton and Bryana broke up in 2016, she started dating with Nicholas Hoult. My reaction was shocked when i saw she kissed with Nick at the park in 2017. Everyone on the comment was shocked including 5SOS stans i believe, even though they’re happy about them and shipping them, i still disliked them. So i wrote a comment like “just like Brashton, i still don’t ship them”. Suddenly, i get attacked by Bryana stan , i didn’t remember that what were saying something harassed me, but i didn’t want to read that because i get easily offended. Then, i decided to delete my comment so their stupid stans would not attack me one by one. I mean seriously deleting a negative comment makes me clearing my mind it’s just like throwing out of negativity. 

Let’s move forward to K-pop fan, before I got into K-pop fan, My friend introduced me to Korean entertainment like drama and music. First of all, i wasn’t keen on to those stuff. I remember when i was at Secondary school, how my friend was so obsessed with K-pop boybands like Super junior, Shinee, 2PM, Big Bang, SS501 and many more. Then later, i watched K-pop music videos on YouTube and MTV. I watched over and over. Then, i realized I became a fan of K-pop mostly boybands but less girlbands like SNSD (Girls Generation), 2NE1, f(x), 4minute, etc. i liked their choreography, their dance move are so powerful and energic, their music is so upbeat, catchy, great produced, and so on. Their groups combined with singer, dancer and rapper which are brilliant. 

However, I don’t involve with toxic K-pop fandom. the most infuriating thing for me is on Twitter which full of K-pop spam. when i scrolled it down, it is full of K-pop spam, include video of fan camera (fancam) and photo. on the other hand, i despised that when crazy K-pop stans in Korea who called “sassaeng” like stalking their idol for 24 hours, invading their privacy which is totally disrespectful, they wrote a letter with using their own blood then send it to their idol, and of course they intentionally send their own period blood which is freaking disgusting. I know many K-pop stans who don’t want their idol dates with girlfriends that would be get jeopardized. Not only because of the idol will lose their career, but also get attacked by fans like a horde of zombies. The most insufferable is when idol got weight gain, the fans started fat-shaming idol harshly which is totally crossing the lines.   

If you want to watch this video, I will put a down on the link, https://youtu.be/ESPqsERuQLY

Apparently, she talked about how much she’s such a big fan of the bands, such as Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots and Panic! at the disco. However, she ranted about fandom how are they become toxic, infuriating and insufferable. In my thoughts, she’s got an opinion and I 100% agree with her. I suggest you have to watch this. 

Toxic fandom could be insane, nasty, immature, childish, intolerable, annoying, irritating, pesky, delusional, and bullying. They don’t want to accept their reality, they just want to being stuck in comfort zone and being brainwashed by their favorite idols. They don’t want to hear any negativity stuff, if someone called bands/idols ugly, loser, untalented, boring, they started a war and trolled each other. They obviously attacked the artists who wanted collaborate with famous artists/bands that have over the top of the charts on Billboard for clout. Remember Charlie Puth get attacked by crazy stans, BTS Army when he wanted to collaborated BTS for clout? (Read this:  https://variety.com/2020/music/news/charlie-puth-bts-fans-1234698628/)To be honest, I remember when American-Korean director slammed BTS on Twitter, I was angry, and frustrated because of him what he said and then I trolled him just for once. (Read: https://www.scmp.com/culture/music/article/2159604/music-video-and-film-directors-bts-plastic-surgery-slur-has-korean)

 As a result, being a fandom is fun, but it turns out to be toxic when you part of them both ups and downs. If you worship or are huge fan with your favorite band or artist, you don’t have to be act exaggerated, just keep calm down and be proud the be a fan wherever during at the concert or meet at somewhere, even at the airport, or the backstage, etc. Also, on social media platform, you should say something nice with your band or artist. Not only with your favorite person, but also your fandom who deadly support with them, be kind and friendly, don’t bully each other. Further, when you’re facing with haters or you suddenly become hater, I know we had a deal with a demon, but you can’t accept it, just be patience, if you want to hate or angry, go on, but don’t that  too much, it would be problematic. Maybe because haters dislike their music sucks or obnoxious behavior. Moreover, don’t attack with your favorite artist who has in relationship with his or her boyfriend of girlfriend both famous or not, then don’t attack his or her too, because we are human being, we have anxiety and depression just like famous artist or band. In addition, If you dislike a band or artist but you’re afraid you would get attacked by crazy stans, just don’t do it when you tweet something on Twitter. Actually, I love or hate artist or band who are really popular by fanbase in spite of overly obsessed or defensive after being brainwashed. Nonetheless, it’s okay we have an opinion whether you are fan or hater of famous band/artist, you have a voice, don’t be afraid if you have a different opinion about it, just be respectful.

That’s the end of my experience and opinion. Hopefully, you would appreciate it. Based on quote from Christopher Heyerdahl “Fandom can keep something alive, and Fandom can take it down” 

[violetsystems]

#personal

I keep reading a lot about how video chat is exhausting.  There’s a strange psychology to it.  The synthesia that comes from people being “in real time” and yet not.  My connection at home operates on a ten to eleven millisecond latency.  I spent the last month tightening the requirements I had for operating my office at home.  I’m IT person so I feel like I need to lead the charge on that front.  I’m also not typically someone who communicates through video.  I quit facebook over a year ago along with twitter.  I post things to instagram with no captions.  I write three paragraphs online every week here.  This is about as personal as it gets for me.  And yet I socialize with people just the same in this post Covid-19 world.  In fact, I keep hearing how we’re all in this together.  How the importance of neighbors and families become more apparent.  And nobody really interacts with me beyond that professional veil that separates in real life me from deep thought me.  If anyone really wanted to get into my head I leave it here for them to process.  There are people on here that have said more to me in a like than a series of sentences.  Years ago people would think that’s insane.  And yet here we are locked in our bedrooms speaking awkwardly through delay.  Desperately trying to connect through video glitches to brick walls on occasion.  People hiding their clutter through filters and masks.  People drowned out of group chat stuttering in and out.  False starts and runaway monologues.  My job has a lot to do with managing groups of people in this atmosphere and improving communication.  I ran a zoom happy hour recently for an employee’s departure.  I don���t drink anymore.  I’m not particularly bothered by it.  But it was an enlightening experience of voyeurism to watch.  I guess people who go to bars now just hang out on video drunk.  I’m the one who has to reel in the commentary if it gets too out of control.  But it’s always out of sequence in terms of the rhythm of conversation.  Worse so when it’s not work related.  In a world where people worry out loud about taking the train to work.  I’m still paying my Ventra benefit.  I’m proud of my city in that way.  I went to the bank over lunch to get quarters.  Shopped at a smaller grocery store in the neighborhood.  Everybody was so lively and conversational.  People thanked me for wearing a mask.  For bagging my groceries correctly.  In real time.  A mask was the only thing between us really.  Not an entire quantum grid of time distorted projections.  And then there’s the people who lean on that even more.  We’re all neighbors.  We all need each other.  Society is almost as exhausting as telepresence.  In some ways we’re seeing it’s just as good.  Kind of like quarantine ushered in a new kind of Videodrome.  Long live the new flesh.  Same as the old flesh really.  It’s the quality of the people that breathe life in the world.  Or suck the air out of the room.  You wish they’d suck out all the Covid droplets too.  

I’m not too engaged by people these days.  Not on an intimate level.  But I am a genuinely open person.  I live in the moment.  I’m easy to read.  Some people have faulted me for that.  Claiming I’m not a good poker player when it comes to the game of life.  You don’t know how badly people have eaten those words.  It’s why they always have their foot in their mouth when they try to talk to me.  It sounds worse over the cold empty space of internet packets traveling through the screen.  The frightening thing about America is that it’s so easy to connect to everyone but yourself.  And none of that is ever satisfying when nobody respects you and your search for connection.  I have travelled the world.  I travelled it alone.  The largest amount of time I’ve spent in a foreign country was Korea.  I made a lot of friends in Seoul over a short period of time.  The lifecycle of which varies just as wildly as back home.  But I connected with people being myself.  Did people value those connections?  I don’t know.  When I think about traveling now it’s mostly to New York.  But the same goes for New York.  I travelled there alone.  I knew nobody.  I went there on my birthday twice alone.  Followed around by god knows who or what.  I’ve been through all of this for five or six years now.  And people still question my connection to myself.  How I communicate.  How I feel about the world.  What desires I keep to myself.  Who I’m inspired by.  Nobody ever asks.  I sit on video everyday looking out with tired eyes listening.  Constantly listening to people’s words.  My own are processed but it’s not about me.  I’m sure I could explain how I felt on video to someone I was close to.  But the truth is nobody is that close to me at all.  It’s an empty space.  I’d rather fill that space beside me.  Have somebody in my life I share the deeper side with.  When I sit and pretend on camera I feel consulted but never connected.  I hear about people’s worries and concerns.  But nobody knows how I feel or how I am thinking.  I feel worthless.  I feel ignored.  I feel like a fucking joke.  Like a punchline people use to show when people aren’t paying attention.  Like I’m a ghost or a hologram.  I do connect but it passes right through me.  Like I’m there but not really there.  An avatar to process an in real life transaction.  To be put away in cold storage after interaction.  Where does a person like myself go from here?  I have felt trapped.  I’ve felt buried.  And now I just feel like I’m in a revolutionary cave.  Weathering a shit storm.  Like Khan on Ceti Alpha Five.  Buried alive.

Khan definitely didn’t have fed ex.  Neither did he have the Dover Street Market E-shop.  Khan did not have a level 103 warlock in World of Warcraft.  Khan did have a crew.  He eventually got off that planet by putting worms in people’s ears.  I’m not a big fan of fake folk remedies.  I do like Star Trek.  I watch a lot of tv these days.  A lot more than I did.  I’ve set up my deliveries to sync up with my needs.  My cat food and litter is always delivered on time.  My cat now sleeps on my bed.  She crawls onto my chest inexplicably at times.  Getting me prepped for a ventilator I guess.  I still have a job.  A job that I will soon go back to in some context.  A job that I’ve been working every day since lockdown.  How people judge me from there is a constant reality.  People still out there trying to breach the six foot barrier of me not giving a fuck.  People still have something to say with or without a zoom meeting password.  And I’m still the same old Tim.  A little wiser.  A little more fed up with basic shit in America.  And still with my ear pressed firmly to the ground.  Everything is a complete shit show.  It’s been that way for years.  I’ve just gotten less sensitive to it.  And the more I walk through life ignoring things that waste my time, the more I see it for what it really is.  There’s a luxury in pausing to map the terrain.  To keep your distance.  To not always get led away by your passion and your emotions.  My passion does feel dead inside.  That’s a little harsh.  It feels like it’s hibernating.  It’s been hibernating.  I have very little emotion to show in terms of real intimacy.  I save it inside and that’s my business.  I do desire.  I do care.  And I’m sure my friends on here know exactly in what context and how hard that is to bear at times.  I’m expected to read so deeply into everyone and no one bothers to skim what I’m trying to say.  It’s life.  It’s the same exact feeling staring out on your video cam and watching someone who isn’t really there.  Like you’ve tuned into someone’s play or tv show.  And you are the laugh track.  That’s all you are to people.  A fucking ambient laugh track.  Distorted so much by selfishness that whatever you say has no bearing on anyone at all.  Marooned on your own dead planet with a fat pipe to the internet.  Talking to max headroom with a thirty second delay.  How was your day?  Oh let me tell you about mine.  Time stretched howl into the matrix.  I’d rather hear the soft rhythm of your breath next to mine.  That would say more than anything I could ever say.  Until then I’ll stick to writing love letters into the void.  That and shopping at home online.  I love clothes.  You know I love you too.  I’d say it on video but you deserve zero latency.  <3 Tim

[ainaaaaah]

Existential Isolation

Existential-Humanistic Psychology is my favorite perspective about the theories of the mind. It’s one where I plan to specialize on. One thing that existentialists says is that, we are all alone. We can have family and friends, but the end of it, the reality is, we are alone. It’s sad but it’s true. And now, more than ever, do I feel its reality.

.

I am nobody’s best friend. I have a few group of really good friends, but I don’t think I am anyone’s best friend. Even when I asked my boyfriend who his best friend is, he told me it’s his mother. Considering that I am with him every single day, that spoke volume. I am vulnerable to people. I speak my mind, I don’t filter my words, I am loud and happy when I am, but I’m also dark and exhausting when I am. I think that scares people. It reveals how much they really want you.

.

I transferred from many different grade school, so I didn’t really have childhood friends. Most people say that high school is the best part of their lives, not so with me. It started out really good, but it ended very bitterly. I think that hurt me more than it completed me. It was not all bad though. I have friends from that time until now, two of them in particular. But I think that relationship is a group thing, more than a personal one.

.

I had a best friend in college. It was a really good relationship. Everyone knows we belonged with each other. We always partner up in every activity. I know her family, she knows mine. There is absolute trust and comfort between us. She is, I think, my first best friend. But after graduation, I never heard anything from her again. Not even a single message. When the projects are done, I was easily disposed. It would have been easier if we fought over something but we didn’t.

.

I had another really really close friend in church. He knows me so well. He knows my mood, my likes and dislikes. We are, as I call it, in the same wavelength. I really treasure that friendship. I fought for him against many people who judges him harshly or treats him unfairly. I once fought my mother’s lover and threatened him to freaking disappear from our life because he abused him. I am on his side, always. Then one day, he told me that he doesn’t want to be with my anymore. He doesn’t want to hang out. He didn’t talk to me anymore. I was deeply pained by that. I was angry at him, yes. But more than that, I felt betrayed. I cried over him in therapy. One day, our common friends set us up for a conversation, for closure and forgiveness. It’s weird. Because once you had that conversation, nobody talks about the aftermath. Yes I forgave him and I knew I wanted to continue being friends with him but... does anybody know how much trauma meant? How you’re just supposed to accept and forgive because you still love the person who gave you pain? Why do we accept the stabs just because we love the people holding the knife?

.

Let’s not even begin to talk about my family. I hear people say, you can’t use your experience and your family as an excuse of why you are the way you are. I believed that so much I started scolding myself for even thinking that that is a valid explanation of the why I am. Frankly, maybe the people telling those things just doesn’t have an idea how to deal with the trauma your own family gave you and instead of helping you heal from them, they just ask you to face it and numb it. Do you know what it feels to have something that hurts you alot but you cannot and shouldn’t remove from you?

I have a lot of anger for my family. It’s difficult to admit that because people expects you to love your own family. Now let me tell you this. My family are the first people who abandoned me. Let’s talk about how my father didn’t even fought for a chance to know me or for me to know his family. I don’t even know what my half-sibling’s names are. I feel disconnected with him to the point that I wouldn’t even consider him walk me down the aisle. Let’s talk about my stepfather. Whom I loved so much but sexually assaulted me. Oh let’s talk about how much I still wanted him in the family even after that. How much I begged for him to come back when he left us even after what he did to me. 

Let’s talk about my mother. Do you know how easily she can just trashily talk to me? Do you know how she just threatens me to get out of the house when things don’t go her way? Do you know how she can just threaten to punch me in the face in front of her employees because we fought over some paper? Let’s talk about how she just covers up her motherhood by throwing us money. Let’s talk about how much she disrespects us by parading her string of boyfriends in our own home. Let’s talk about how easy it is for her to just discard me when I did her wrong. 

.

Oh yeah, let’s remember the time someone stood up as a father to me, only to tell me later on, in my face, that he is so disappointed with me. Or that time where my boyfriend’s sister blocked me because of the effect she think I has with her brother. 

.

How can you experience all this and still be blamed for who you are as if you have a control over this? How can people be mad at me, instead of the things that happened to me?

.

Now let’s talk about one more thing that people throw at me when I talk about this. I’m a Chrisitan. People tell me, you can’t find what you’re looking for in people, you can only find that in God. Yes, I believe that to be 100% true. And If not with the reality of my relationship with God, I may have long been lost to suicide. Here’s the thing, though. I think God, while satisfying us, didn’t intend for us to be just after Him and not need relationships. Relationships are very important with God, and although we find our security as a person in Him, we all still long to be loved and valued. If it isn’t so, then churches and families shouldn’t have been in God’s vocabulary. 

.

Existential isolation. I’m beginning to think that aloneness is something good - peaceful, even. Maybe it’s true, that at the end of the day, it’s just you --- or I’m just surrounded by selfish people. Here’s the thing though. Very recently, someone told me that I’m the problem. That hurt me in many different levels, but mostly because of the realization that this person doesn’t understand my pain. He spoke louder, though. He made sure I heard him loud and clear - I’m the problem. He even went beyond and identified some of my most painful memories I wrote above as caused by who I am. He even blamed me for how cruel he was at that moment, telling me that I changed him into a worse person. The worst thing he said was, how could I expect someone to propose to me when... I’m me? I was so broken by the disgust on that question, and instead of seeing clearly how this person sees me, I asked him what’s the response he want from me. I spoke in a very soft manner, in the way he wanted. Sure enough, he responded kinder. I was right, I need to behave well if I am to be valued and respected.

.

One of the existential therapist I like wrote this: "No relationship can eliminate existential isolation, but aloneness can be shared in such a way that love compensates for its pain" --- (Yalom, 2011)

.

Unfortunately, I haven’t found that kind of love yet. Not in the past, not in the present. But I hope in the future, I will. I hope to become someone who won’t bleed over the pain of the past anymore. I hope someday to become somebody people will be proud of. I hope to be someone not dictated by my experiences, so I wouldn’t be hurting people anymore. I hope to heal. Someday, I will. But tonight, tonight is for grieving. Tonight, I cry for the Ainah who heard the footsteps of people she loved walk away from her. Tonight, I cry for the Ainah who hates herself for hurting for those pain. Tonight, I cry for the Ainah felt like she had to perform to be kept. Tonight, I cry for the Ainah who hasn’t seen eyes that sees her. Tonight, I cry for the Ainah who didn’t receive grace from people around her.

[eyasmith9218-blog]

"EVERY FIRST STEP"

Its a beautiful and brilliant moring the sun was like an a star its twinkle, Twinkle shining

sun in the Beutiful and fantastic day and another adventure but wait do you know that

we have a party tonight?

but wait I really miss making my parents proud of my 'every' first step.

My first step when I was a baby trying to learn how to walk.

My first step when I entered the school grounds for my very first day on school.

My first step when I stepped on the stage on Graduation day as the top of my class consistently.

"Francesca, you don't need to do this" I said to my ex-girlfriend doing my makeup. This is not necessary. 

"No! You should. You must be beautiful tonight. You said you want to be stunning for this day." she chided rolling her eyes. 

���I don’t have to fool myself, Francesca.” I closed my eyes.

“I’m a man.” My voice cracked.

I smiled weakly, just telling those simple words made my heart sunk.

Then I recalled the moment I told her my dream for a debut. I shared to her every detail.

As I walk down the staircase, being stunning with joys and the jitters that a true woman should be feeling. Comfortable and confident to show my true self.

Back by the time, I’m aware that something inside is the opposite of what I see myself outside. Finally, I realized, I’m not who they want me to be.

And I want it to be free.

I almost took the first step.

But then...I noticed the crowd before me.

People looked at me in disbelief. Made my parents embarrassed and nearly disown me.

I felt pain, same grief as a person dies. But I guess, I’m letting myself—die inside. 

And it’s choking me.

I choose to withdraw my step.

I snapped on my thoughts as Francesca clapped her hand cheerfully.

"God! Are you really Luke? I mean, you're breathtaking."

Her eyes gleamed with amusement.

I wasn’t fully convinced about her compliment until she drew me in front of the full-length mirror.

I gaped at the reflection of myself that I always imagine. It was real and confident...

Woman.

“Let’s not make them wait Luke! Let’s go!”

She pulled me. We walked out of the room, saw my parents, and even friends in the hall. They caught the sight of me upstairs.

My Father turned to look...and I felt my breathing stopped.

I felt embarrassed. They might reject me now as their child.

I heard a clap, making gaze at the man I’m afraid to be ashamed of me. The people also started to clap their hands but it faded. I focused my gaze on my father.

“I’m proud of you, Luke” He mouthed.

The heavy feeling I felt for years suddenly fade away. 

I felt my tears on my cheeks as I perceive I’m no longer in the fear of being unwanted—that made me satisfied.

I am now taking my first steps with confidence and pride.

but wait i heard something Luke! Luke! luke?

oh! its my ma'am! i didn't know Why she cried at me! and she says that "are you?"

i said " what? " then she stop crying and smile at me! then she go down stairs and cook my favorite Food.

"wow its that the Kalderita mommy? "

"come lets eat Dear" and (kissed my Forehead)

I've been enjoying eating the Kalderita and i didn't even noticed my father that he's not around my phone was Ringing and its ny friend I've eat faster until I've finish my meal.

"Mom i gotta go" (kissed her cheek)

then i didn't even noticed my mom's tears.

she's think that I'm crazy or i got amnesia because of the trauma that I've been got.

then when im back to home my mom give me ah

short Envelop she smile at me and I've been confused why did she do that expression to me and i got the envelop.

(Chuckling) "mom come on why did you look like that!?"

She pinched my Back off and start crying,

"mom?! "

then I've read the letter of my father

"I am better now. I don't look for your face in the crowd anymore. Your picture doesn't hurt me anymore. I don't miss your smiles that much anymore. Memories with you don't haunt me anymore. But it doesn't mean that it hurts less. I just learned how to stand firm and move on with my life.

I wrote this letter hoping that in some way, it could reach you. I wrote this so I could tell you all the things that I should've told you before but didn't have the chance to do so. There are a lot of things to say but as I look at my pen, all I could ever think about was how I loved you."

Our last night was a blast. You brought me to the amusement park. I had fun. We were happy. I was happy. But now, the amusement park doesn't entertain me anymore. And I blame you for that. I hate you for giving me such bittersweet memories that the mere mention of the place stings but I must admit it was where I had to experience one of the best moments in my life.

I woke up late like the usual the next day. The weather was good and we had no classes; it was a perfect day. I went to my friend's house to borrow her notes and I forgot the time because I was so happy hanging out with her. Then, an unknown number called telling me that you were rushed to the hospital. Everything was a blur after that. The only thing I remembered was I looked so lost standing in front of the hospital because I don't have any idea where to go. I just stood there, dumbfounded. Not until I saw you in the emergency room. And for some unknown reason, it rained. It rained just when tears started to fall. How I hate you for ruining such a beautiful day.

Darkness came. I was anxiously pacing back and forth in my room. That night was your operation and although you only had a little chance to survive, we believed you'd make it. But just when the doctors were about to start, you let go. You gave up. You left all of us. Funny how one phone call could turn my world upside down. I couldn't even believe my own ears. Like the wind must have caught it away because I didn't hear a thing. My mind refused to accept it. It was maddening. Destructing. And devastatingly painful. And I hate you for giving up when we were still fighting.

I called my friends, crying. One of them answered. I couldn't even utter a single word. I just cried and cried. When my body began to relax, I apologized for disturbing her sleep. I apologized for causing trouble. I didn't tell her what happened because I thought that saying it, acknowledging it, would actually make it real. I didn't want to think about it, let alone say it. But I want to share the burden at least. The pain was beyond me and I could only take too much. I hated you for it. I hate you for leaving when I don't have someone to lean on. And I hate you more for because you did it on Independence day. That day won't strike me as another holiday anymore because it's your death anniversary.

It is even worst to think that while I am having the time of my life, laughing to my heart's content, you were struggling to live. I felt awful. I felt bad. I was so caught up with my life and forgot that death is just around the corner. One minute, you were perfectly fine. The next minute, you weren't. In just a snap, in a blink of an eye, I lost you.

But wherever you are right now, I just want you to know that I'm loving you the way that I know.

Hating and loving you at the same time,

your son

Less is better I believe...but now is the change. I threw up the conventional me, I get to be real the aesthetic me. It doesn’t matter what they might say—because freedom is my theme and expression is my medium. Those music i face that are so pale before will be given life.

From now, all colors will raise to the sky—vividly and proudly.

to my Black and white life

I already found the beauty in me.

[wanderer706]

The Mannequin

(Cam. Airl- Written Draft 2)

You know what Clara? I like you I like you a lot. That is why I saved your lovely body with those beautiful plastic eyes. The image of a true beauty. I had to do it you see. I had to steal you from that smashed window I found you staring out of, and now you can stay with me forever, and ever.

So, without further ado I would like to introduce you to my humble little abode. I hope that you like it for it is your home now as much as it is mine. Don’t blush Clara. Well you can’t, but that’s beyond the point. The point is your safe here with me, and I know you feel lucky to be saved from that world.

You are currently sitting in the living room. That chair you are sitting in once belonged to somebody else. Then it belonged to me, but now it belongs to you. I know it’s a bit bedraggled from years upon years of age, but it is by far the most comfortable thing in this room.

What’s that? You want to know who it once belonged to. Well she isn’t here anymore so don’t worry. In fact, there’s no point in hiding it from you anyway. You are her replacement. Now don’t cry. I know you can’t hold back those tears of delight to be out of that cruel decaying world. So, I won’t even ask you for a thank you, but one thing that I do want to know is how you kept your body in such good shape. I mean true that your left arm is a little wonky, but that doesn’t matter.

How silly of me I got a little side-tracked didn’t I? Let me show you the rest of the room. Directly across from you is where I will be sitting for a majority until it is time for beddy byes.

Behind me is the door that leads outside, but you don’t want go back out there unless you really want to get back into that shop window. To the left from your point of view is the bedroom. Just to the left of that is the laundry room. Though I’m afraid that I have run out of laundry powder, and I have absolutely no clue where I am going to find anymore. At least anymore that isn’t contaminated.

On your right is kitchen, and dinning room. To the right of that is my toilet, and shower. Behind you is the tally room. Oh. I forgot about that. That’s incredibly silly of me, and I should rectify that in fact. Why don’t you come with me, and I will show you my daily routine in there.

 So, this is the tally room. I know it’s not much to look at for it was supposed to be a special room for this place, but things happen. I never got around to making it. So, when I moved in here I first decided to use this bland concrete room as storage, but looking at the world outside I don’t think I need it for that so I decided to start doing a tally. God knows I’m not getting anything out of radio that I want to hear.

What I do is I come in here at some point every day, and I add a single tally to the wall. I’m sure you understand why I am doing this. At one point I thought about sectioning them off for every time I reach 365, but that’s very difficult to keep track of especially when it gets this full I don’t know how many strokes are on it anymore. I think it must be over 3,800. I don’t know I’m just guessing.

You were probably standing in that window for much longer weren’t you. Ah I won’t judge, but tell me Clara what was it like when this happened? When this giant mushroom cloud appeared in the sky. This very cloud I painted from memory on the tally wall. Tell me what was it like to see? What was it like when the windows smashed? When the shock wave blew, but you did not fall like your companions? What about the skeleton that was at your feet? Was that person screaming as the heat burned their flesh off their bones, or was did they die after the clouds appeared? I promise I won’t judge if you liked watching him writhe around in pain.

What of the other clouds or were they too far away for you to see? It does make me wonder how much of the fall you did see. Did you see any of the alleged anarchists murdering for some beans? Did you see the infamous plastic woman who lost her fortune from the clouds, and as such wanted to kill to get her fortune back? I’m only speculating what matters is your safe here out of that harsh world that makes not sense, and are instead here where everything makes perfect sense. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want to live in a world that makes sense?

After all the world out there doesn’t have any beds, but I do. Let me show you it.

 Here it is Clara. A slightly messy double bed. I used to have a few children singles, but I burned them one winter when things got a little cold.

Did I have any children? Once upon a time your saviour here was indeed a father. A loving father, and husband. Then the world changed and certain sacrifices had to be made. Not sacrifices that I myself am proud of.

I mean what was I supposed to do? I loved them, but I just couldn’t bare them to watch them in that state anymore. So, I had to do it. Now I have to live with the consequences. Do you want to know the hardest part Clara? The hardest part was that it solved absolutely nothing. It changed dick diddly around here. That was when desperate times called for desperate measures.

Oh, you aren’t part of those desperate measures Clara, but I guess I do have to show you what I am talking about. Let me bring you into the kitchen.

 Well your body fits perfectly well on that chair, but you don’t have any leg joints so I’m afraid there is nothing I do about your outstretched legs. No matter I’ll just have to make sure that your chair is pushed back during meal times.

Now let’s talk about what I meant by desperate measures. As I said when the world changed everything stopped making sense, and when things became problematic there just isn’t someone there to hold your shoulder anymore. Everyone is in the exact same boat starving to death once the stocked cans run out. Water wasn’t a problem the recycler unit did its job perfectly well, but food that was the problem. We all began to starve.

Do you know what it’s like to watch your wife, and kids slowly starve to death? It’s horrible Clara. To watch as their bodies slowly turned to bone until one day you just couldn’t take it. So, you did the only thing you thought you could do with the axe you brought along.

I cried Clara I cried for many nights, but soon the hunger became unbearable. I couldn’t control it, and the smell. Oh, the smell that was wafting of them became pure ecstasy. I felt like I was in heaven when my lips just lost control, and began to bite. One chomp after the other.

The head was the hardest part as these were once people that I knew, and cared about, but I had to eat, and they ended up making a delectable broth.

Now that that little bridge had been crossed there was no holding back, and I thought I may as well satisfy myself by using the very world that forced me down this path. Which brings me to this lovely specimen.

There’s nothing to be afraid of he’s bound up so can’t run away, and the mouth is gagged so that I don’t have to hear his fucking vulgar screams. I’ve heard them all, but the one that I find just makes me angry is the one the last victim blurted out before I started gagging them. Sick minded freak. No. I am not a freak. It’s this world that is full of freaks. Here everything makes sense. Everything makes perfect sense. It’s a place where I feel happy and content. Out there is a fucking freak show! Here I know what to say, and how to act! Out there is different, and I don’t want that! Which is why I don’t feel a thing for these degenerates who don’t agree with that philosophy!

Now here is how you deal with these choice selections. I do still have an axe, but I find it to be too messy Clara. So, all I need is a knife. A nice simple kitchen knife. This is the reason I tie them up. You see when I bring out the knife they get all panicky. They squirm, and if they haven’t already they will try to kill me. So, to make sure they don’t get the chance I always make sure this is as quick as possible.

Take the blade, and jab it straight into the throat. Watch how their squirming increases. How the eyes stare directly at you, but it doesn’t matter anymore because it feels so good to have this blade go through the throat silencing them forever.

I now make a cutting motion with the blade to speed up the process. In for a special moment. Shhhh. It’s alright. It’s alright. Everything is going to be fine. Don’t try to fight it. Just let your pretty eyes roll backwards. There we go. There we go.

Now that this pretty specimen is dealt with we can… Oh for fucks sake. You’re not even listening to me are you? Even after I saved you from that shop window, and you still found a way to call for help! Clara. Clara! Why? Why? Why?

I’ll take care of your little friend at the door, and then I’ll come back to deal with you.

Now you answer me this. Who are…?

Bang!

Gah! That does it!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

You sick minded freak!

No everything in here is normal. You and the rest of that fucking world are the ones who are not normal.

Bang!

Fucking Freak.

[alitheamateur]

The Grind- Chapter 25

I figured parking the bike in the garage out of plain sight would be my best bet, just in case Tia spaced and happen to pass by Revel’s and let Livvy catch site of me there. As far as she knew, Cal and I were out at the pub for the first preseason Steelers game, grabbing a couple beers. I drafted Tia to persuade her into one measly night off from the unforgiving jump ropes and speedbags to go to some unrealistic, sickening, fucking chick-flick, and maybe allow her a drink. My real whereabouts had to remain unsuspected, at least for now. I planned on filling her in on all the secrets tomorrow night, and pray to God that it didn’t send her spiraling into a hissy fit just 5 days before her match with the Franklin Park gal.

I had never lied this much to anyone in my damn life, which didn’t make the fact that Liv was the victim, any easier. I had prodded through her phone, snuck out on the porch two or three times in the last week to ‘check the mailbox’ that I had already emptied earlier in the day, so I could return a missed call. I bought plane tickets with my Paypal so she wouldn’t see the transactions, and paid Mac $200 to play chauffeur to the airport, all behind the back of the woman in my life. It was for her own good, and for my own peace of mind.

I opted to reach out to Liz first, stealing her number from her daughter’s phone contacts, figuring if she and Tony were anything like my own parents, the lady of the house called the shots. I pleaded with her best I knew how, to promise we keep my little master plan hidden from Liv, and in typical female fashion, she whispered “oooh’s” and “awwww’s” about how I was just ‘too sweet and romantic for my own good.” Shit, you got a lot to learn about me, lady.

They flew in early this morning, and I gave Mac all their hotel info to pass along when he picked them up, so I could spend the day with Liv in peace, not having to duck out to answer a thousand phone calls. The Elliott’s weren’t happy about my fitting the bill for their visit to the ‘Burgh, but I insisted on treating them like royalty for the week they’d be in my city. Anyone with Livvy’s blood in their veins, deserved to be considered as such. No matter how strained the healing relationship between the three of them was, Tony and Liz were still her parents, and I’d give them that respect. Sure, the way they handled some situations with their daughter was lightyears beyond fucking foolish if you ask me, but that wasn’t my battle to fight.

I figured Revel was a happy medium for dinner on their first night. It was just hoity enough to impress them, but not stuffy enough to overwhelm them. I had to scoot Liv out the door first, knowing the dress pants and button up Ralph Lauren would’ve been a dead give away into my long list of fabrications this week. I had to work one-on-one with Tia to organize everything, directing her to keep my lady out late so I could get home first and change inconspicuously. But threaten her not to get Liv completely bombed so she wouldn’t be hung over for the surprise breakfast with her parents tomorrow morning. I only booked their hotel room for two nights, in hopes that this whole shebang wouldn’t pop off in my damn face, and Livvy would let the two of them finish out their visit at our place.

Once my helmet was strapped and locked to the bike, I turned the corner into the main lobby of the restaurant to make my way to the hostess chair. I made sure my guests were seated already, and followed the direction to our corner table, wiping two very sweaty hands on the inside lining of my slacks.

God, please don’t let them laugh me out of this place.

It was like looking straight into the face of Liv in 25 years when I locked eyes with Elizabeth, besides the blonde color of her hair, not matching her child’s now darker strands. I guess I hadn’t noticed the stark resemblance over the video chat. I smiled at the two of them, I could feel it was awkward and forced but I hoped they’d return the gesture regardless. The couple stood, and I greeted the lady first, doing my best to always mind the Ritter manners.

“So nice to meet you in person, Mrs. Eliiott. You and Livvy might as well be twins! I’m uh… I’m Colton.” Her smile wasn’t the warm, sunny one I’d grown so fond of with Liv, but she was kind enough.

Tony, patiently standing to my right, observed every little inch I moved. Typical of the father to a girl, I assumed.

“Oh, Colton, it is very nice to meet you finally. And you look so sharp!” Liz held my hand between both of hers, to appreciate the treasure of a man who could dress himself with some sense these days.

“Thank ya’, ma’am,” I blushed awkwardly. Compliments were never my strong suit.

“And Mr. Elliott, how are ya’ sir? Nice to see you.” I turned on the masculine shake when approaching her dad. My own father engrained the importance of a firm grip greeting as soon as I could talk.

“Enough with the formal stuff, Colton. Call me Tony. Although, I can admire the respect you have for your elders. To be honest, I didn’t expect such from a guy who beats people up for a living.”

Happy to shatter your stereotypical idea of me, man. But, I’d still break the nose of any fucker in this entire place who breathed the wrong way.

“Don’t let the scarred knuckles fool ya’, sir. I’m not a complete wild animal,” I tried to joke.

We sat, waiting to order, each scanning over the menu in tongue-tied silence before Liz finally broke the plain. “So, did Liv ever catch you in this big scheme, Colton? Does she know we’re here yet?”

“Actually, she’s completely clueless. Or, just letting on to be. But, she seems to be in the dark still. Ain’t real sure how I pulled it off, honestly. She usually reads me like a damn book.” I huffed with a scratchy laugh, quickly scolding myself internally for slipping a swear word.

“And this fight? Was it your idea? I mean, did you want her to get involved with it like you are?” Tony folded his menu, assumingly decided on his dinner choice, and focused he folded hands towards me. His tenor seemed almost snarky, but I was sure he hadn’t meant it that way, remembering Liv say he seemed somewhat excited over the idea.

“Actually, I hated the thought from the get-go. I lost my mind just when I thought it was all for fun. I begged her not to take it. But, you know 2-1 as well as I do. She shut me up real quick.”

“2-1?” Her mother cocked a confused smile of question.

“Oh, uhhh.. yeah. It’s just a little nickname I call her. She wears this old ratty hoodie around all the time with the number on the back. So, the name just kinda stuck.” I scratched my head before taking a generous gulp of water to lower the temperature of my smothering, sweating armpits.

“She talks about ball then? I mean, you’ve heard some about her days as a Warrior?” Tony interjected with round eyes.

“Definitely. I know it all, Mr. Elli… uh, Tony. We play sometimes on Sundays at this park down from our house. She kills me by 15+ every time.”

He smiled bittersweetly at the idea of his all-star with a ball in her hands again. And I, wanted to hit him for being so blind to the fact that she had so many other talents to be proud of, if he would just live in the now and see it.

Between our main course, and the dessert I ordered after listening to Liz read over the description in the menu more than three times, her dad brought up the inevitable. The “thing I wanted to talk to them about.”

“Okay, Colton. Now that you’ve treated us to that perfectly cooked slab of red meat, what did you want to talk with us about? Something to do with this fight, I’m sure.”

I swished another drink of water, although it was missing the bite of bourbon that I needed so fucking badly.

“Yeah, you could say that, I guess…” I answered him vaguely.

“Everything is okay though? You’re not worried for her anything, are you?” Elizabeth chimed in, sweeping a hair behind her ear, just the way Liv does.

“I’m worried for her, only because I love her. And when you walk up those steel steps, you’re takin’ a risk no matter who you are. But your daughter, she can hold her own. I see that now.” I reiterated to myself as much as her parents sitting across from me.

Tony and Liz looked away from me, now towards each other in both confusion and concern at my lack of response to the burning question of the entire damn night.

Being the coward I fucking am, and my very typical struggle for the right words, I did the only thing I knew to do that would clear the air, and satisfy their curiosity. I wriggled around in my seat, trying to loosen the opening of my pocket so I could reach in for the tiny, purple velvet box that had been burning a hole there since I left the house a couple of hours ago.

I neatly and gently placed it closer their side of the perfectly set table, and then looked down to fidget with my fingers. 

Her mom, the feminine instinct in her realizing immediately what was inside, reached for the box first, eagerly. A hand covered her opened jaw once she caught site of the custom cut, octagon shaped diamond, seated inside a silver band. The price was kept inside the secret space of a lock box I kept at the top of the closet, way beyond my housemates reach, to remind myself of the success that had allowed me to purchase something so extravagant, still not living up to what Liv really deserved. The jeweler laughed at the bizarre suggestion I had for an octagon shaped engagement diamond, but there was no convincing me into anything else. The cage was the very reason our relationship even began. Well, that along The Grind. And Drew and I had plans for that later. 

“Colton, speak up, son.” Tony leaned over to witness what had so thoughtfully touched his wife in the square shaped box. I couldn’t read his reaction, which sent my nerves straight to shit.

“Tony, I adore your daughter. That goes without sayin’….” I pasued, planning out every word in my head before I said it out loud. “I hurt her awhile back, something I still beat myself up over, and I never, ever want to see her cry like that again. I have issues of my own with anger, and I throw tantrums sometimes, but Livvy is my calm, ya’ know? She’s made me into this man who actually feels more than hate… and…. resentment. I would walk in front of a train for her, if it came to that.”

They sat very still in their seats, Liz wiping a tear here and there with the corner of her black cloth napkin, and Tony only furrowed his forehead, paying close attention to my professions.

“I didn’t know people were actually capable a’ lovin’ somebody else like this, but as soon as I think I love Livvy as much as anybody possibly could, she goes and proves my ass wrong.”

Strike two for sayin’ ass, Ritter. Liv’s gonna wash your mouth out with soap.

“I’m askin’ kindly, for a blessing from the two of you to ask Liv to marry me. It would mean a great deal to me, and I value the opinions of you both. But, if you can’t give it to me, I apologize, but I’m going to spend the rest of my life with your beautiful daughter no matter what. If she’ll have me.” I finished.

I had enough of my pop in me to know that asking for approval of the father was the right thing to do. But I had just enough thick-headed asshole in me, that I had decided on kneeling for Liv’s hand regardless of their approval. When your life once was a pathetic waste, and your mind is a dingy, manic hole like mine, you cling to any light like a fuckin’ firefly to flame. Liv was my chance, my reason. She was my light, and addiction.

“I think I can speak for Lizzie here too, when I say the respect you’ve shown us by asking, speaks a lot about your character. But Colton, this all seems a bit… rushed? I mean, it wasn’t long ago she was sitting in our dining room, explaining to us she had to flee the city for a week just to try and get some peace of mind after the way you hurt her. Now, the two of you are living together, and thinking about marriage?” Tony said.

“You’re exactly right. And, if Liv tells me she isn’t ready, then I’ll learn some patience and wait ‘til she is. But, as much as you love Mrs. Elliott here, I’m sure you’re familiar with the saying ‘when you know, you know’….”

I knew I was going to be pining for the girl the second I laid eyes on her static striken, matted hait that morning at the coffee shop. And I knew it again, the minute she walked out of Mac’s gym that night. As soon as the lingering of her sweet perfume had dissipated from that hallway, I felt my heart harden like cement.  

“Tony, you know was well as I do that Liv would want this. She loves him. Any time the sting from a breakup is as deep as she said it was, it’s meant to be.” I smiled to her mom for supporting the decision that her stern husband was still wrestling with.

There was silence while Liz devoured the chocolate desert the waiter had brought, offering me a taste, and once the check was delivered to me, an answer from the pair was still unknown.

“If ya’ want, you guys think it over. I know it’s a hefty decision,” I reasoned levelheaded.

“No need, Colton. My Livvy would never forgive me if she knew I didn’t give you my blessing.. If she loves you, and wants a life with you, well….then welcome to the family, boy.” Tony smiled, sliding the ring back, and I stood following his lead, to hug them both.

The most perfect, gorgeous, fuckin’ green eyed, smiley woman on this God forsaken earth, was going to share my last name. 

tags: @torialeysha @eap1935 @littleluna98 @mollybegger-blog

[micropenisunveiled-blog]

How Having a Small Penis Messes With Men’s Minds     

I noticed my penis was one of the smaller in the bunch as a kid, when I used the communal showers after swimming, track and basketball practices. So for a long time public washing was strictly off limits—I'd rather drive home from the gym in my sweaty clothes and shower in the privacy of my own apartment.

My insecurities about his 3.3-inch erection affect more than just my hygiene habits. Condoms didn't stay on well, and that made sex more of an anxiety trip than it already was. In a recent bout of obsession, I gathered a "database" of scientific papers on penises and measured myself multiple times a day for several weeks to see how I sized up. Growing up, it shaped me socially, even when my pants were on. Because of teasing from my brothers and some team mates at school I became quite insecure.  I had an ongoing fear that I would never grow up, never become a man.  I feel that my low self-esteem, due to my size, was a main driver for this.  I did an interview with Michelle Malia, freelance reporter on November 3 2017 that was published in Tonic. 

I am reprinting the article here.

I suspect that lots of guys can relate to my story. It is part of why I started this website.

THE TONIC ARTICLE

Almost one in five American men are unhappy with the length of their erection, according to a recent study of more than 4,000 men, and another 15 percent have a problem with their girth. You won't be surprised to learn that the guys who thought their penises fell short had less sex than the penis-proud group. "Being small can be the heaviest of burdens. I'm genuinely afraid of everything and everybody alike," says David, 30. "I feel I just can't be truly sexually desirable to women with my size."

There's a lot of dick-shaming that perpetuates this idea. When Marco Rubio exposed Donald Trump's small hands, Trump felt the need to tell the whole country that his penis was perfectly fine, thanks. (On national television. During a presidential debate.) In a Fat Shack ad, a seductive blonde—lips parted, a trail of mustard dripping out of her mouth á la cum—holds a sandwich. "Four inches has never been so satisfying," the caption reads.

It goes beyond mainstream news and marketing and weasels its way into casual conversation. "A lot of the jokes we make in everyday life are often sexually related in one way or another," says Abraham Morgentaler, a urologist and the director of Men's Health Boston, whose practice focuses on the health effects of testosterone deficiency. "It's sort of standard humor for guys to josh each other about masculinity type stuff, including penis size."

Movies and television frequent take jabs at villains and characters by assaulting their masculinity.  No one would consider making fun of a man with one arm, or a blind individual.  When asked in a recent Bloomberg poll what bothered them most about Donald Trump voters picked one action above all others: when he mocked a reporter with a disability in November 2015.   But no one winces when someone makes fun of a man’s small penis.  Interesting!

Morgentaler calls men with dick fixations "peno-centric." The idea that the size of your junk validates you as a man might start as early as boyhood. "When we're younger and coming of age sexually, when there's a lack of sophistication about what it means, number one, to be a man, and number two to be a good lover, the thing that men can see and point to and certainly think about is really the penis," he says.

Boyhood is synonymous with inexperience, and sadly, we don't magically figure everything out as adults. Some guys may think they're small even when they're not, but for the ones who do fall left of the bell curve, the best way to get over it is by being realistic about what your penis "should" look like and how important it really is in the long term”, Morgentaler says.

Lots of people never have the chance to see other people having healthy, real-life sex, so they might base their expectations on the sex they do see, usually in porn. But—shocker—porn is not real life. Those macho men are more than well endowed and that can give off the wrong idea, that you need to sport an eight- or nine-inch shaft (also, ow—but we'll get to that later) to satisfy your sex partners.

"If a guy watches 50 or 100 of these video clips, he's going to feel inadequate because he may be smaller than every one of those," Morgentaler says. "But those men are extremely unusual." When researchers sifted through data on more than 15,000 men, they found that the average penis is 3.6 inches soft and 5.2 inches erect. Nothing like many of the massive dicks we see on our laptops.

On a purely biological level, it's also irrational to think size has anything to do with your baby-making skills. "If it matters from an evolutionary standpoint, the best question would be, does it increase fertility?" says Robert Martin, an evolutionary biologist and adjunct professor at the University of Chicago. "The testes size indicates the potential of producing sperm, but I don't see any connection between penis size and anything that would be important in evolutionary terms." There's no evidence that primates have ever used their penises as a power display, he adds, and it may even have little to no effect on how physically desirable you are as a man.

Australian researchers generated 343 life-size male figures that ranged in body shape, body height, and penis size. They projected these "men" on a screen and asked 105 heterosexual women to rate how sexually attractive they were. The women cared most about body shape, which was responsible for 79.6 percent of attractiveness. (They preferred a triangular torso with wide shoulders and narrow hips.) Height came next with 6.1 percent, and penis size fell by the wayside, accounting for only 5.1 percent of attractiveness. "It seems to be a male preoccupation," Martin says.

It's a preoccupation that can be debilitating. Andy, 24, has never heard complaints from sex partners about his 4.7-inch erection, but he still can't shake the feeling that he's coming up a half-inch short. "It lingers in my mind throughout the day on a regular basis," he says. "It causes great anxiety and depression most of the time." Andy started to notice he was smaller than average when he was 19. Like Jase, he also measures a lot. "There [have] been days when I find myself spending a huge amount of time with a ruler next to my penis."

When he's naked in front of sex partners, he often tries to cut through the awkwardness of the initial reveal by being self-deprecating—"It's small, huh?"—but nobody has ever complained or agreed.

It's not crazy that Andy's partners aren't throwing him shade. When it's part of the equation, the penis is an important part of sex—whether it's the real thing or the dildo equivalent. But it's not everything. "How we talk and behave in bed, how we touch, these are all important parts of what makes for good sex," Morgentaler says. "The hands and the mouth and the lips are all part of that. The penis is just one part of the repertoire."

Bigger is not always better, and that goes for anal, too. Research in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 72 percent of women and 15 percent of men feel pain during anal sex. In another study, 76 percent of bottoms reported pain during anal, and for 23 percent of those guys, it was worse than mild.

Not to mention more than a third of women need clitoral stimulation, not penetration, to reach orgasm.

Jace told us that he wonders if he was born bisexual, or if his life experiences led him to exploring sexuality with men, specifically because of his fear of intimacy with women after bad experiences.  In his relationships with women he told us that he had used large strap-ons, penis extenders, and sex toys of all kinds before he finally figured out all women need is need is clitoral stimulation to reach her oh-my-god moments. Now I helps her plateau using the basics: his mouth and, sometimes, a vibrator.  In his relations with men Jace told us that he is exclusively a bottom, and has come to prefer orgasms through prostate stimulation. 

Jace has three decades of life in the books, he's been married and in a long term dom/sub relationship with another man—that's a lot of time to figure out what is and isn't important in your relationships and sex life. Younger guys might need to live a little more before they figure that out. "Every time I hear stories about guys my age hooking up and having one-night stands and even being in relationships, it gets to me because I know I can't ever do any of those [things] because of my size," Andy says.

The peno-centric approach can keep you from engaging with others in all sorts of ways, whether fully clothed or bare-ass naked. Morgentaler recently saw a patient who was worried that he wasn't "developed" down there—despite his junk being "completely normal," Morgentaler says—and because of that, he was still a virgin.

Jace doesn't get regular checkups anymore, because at his last visit the doctor brought in several interns including a young woman to check him for a hernia. "I really thought that I was going to die of embarrassment right in the doctor's office," he says.

David doesn't like swimming or going to the beach because he feels exposed. "I can say with all my heart, I'd be way more happy and have a better life if I had a normal penis," he says.

It might seem like a huge deal when it comes to first-time hookups or one-night stands, but in the longer term, your penis does not take top priority. Most aspects of a relationship have nothing to do with what's in your pants—compatibility, mutual respect, and sense of humor, to name a few. Good sex is also high up there in importance, but using your penis is just one way to satisfy your partner, and it's naive to prioritize size over everything else.

"I would emphasize that this problem often goes away when a guy ends up in a stable relationship, because the couple figures out what they do that works, and penis size is usually not an impediment," Morgentaler says. "The quality of the man is not dependent on the size of his penis."

[americaswritings]

A Beautiful Lie | Day 3

Prompt: Fake dating au

Summary: During a live interview Tom reveals that he has a girlfriend. When he pleads you for help, you jump in to be his fake girlfriend for a while. But no one of you realizes how grave of an impact his beautiful little lie will have.

Words: 4.1k

Warnings: swearing, horrible writing

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

A/N: Okay so first of all, yes I am not dead! I know I have been absent for more than a while and haven’t updated this story in what feels like forever. I am so sorry! Hoewever, I feel like I owe you an explanation. 

There were a lot of things happening in my life, which I can’t talk about yet. To make up for it this chapter is extra long!

I hope you forgive me and I hope you enjoy!

This is for @underoossss writing challenge.

Add yourself to my taglist!

Series Masterlist

You stared after Tom for a while before turning your attention elsewhere. The doors leading to the main area where the show would take place were still closed so you couldn’t get to your seat just yet. Sighing you took out your phone, hoping that the time would fly by so you wouldn’t have to be alone for long.

You leaned against the wall and scrolled through your messages. There were a few from Haz, Harry and Elysia asking how the Oscars were going so far. But then there was also one from Jacob, congratulating you and Tom. 

For a second you wondered how he already knew, but Zendaya had probably already texted him the news. You quickly answered all of them, leaving Jacobs message unreplied. You felt guilty.

You put your phone back into your purse and realized someone was making their way over to you. Glancing up you saw a young man with dark hair and sparkling eyes casually walking into your direction.

“Hey, gorgeus”, he smirked when he reached you and you huffed. “From all the things you could have said you chose that?”

You grimaced and he laughed. “Sorry, I just can’t help myself around such a beautiful lady.”

You blushed at his words and he gave you a satisfied grin. “Uh- I’m actually here with someone”, you explained, not daring to look at him. “He is one of the presenters this evening.”

You peeked into his direction to see the man still smiling at you. “I should have known that you are already taken”, he commented, but his smile had grown warmer and friendly.

“I’m Nate!” He held out his hand and you eyed it for a second before shaking it. “(Y/n).”

“I came over, because you look a little lost. Why are you here all alone?”

You fiddled with the hem of your dress before putting back on your dull smile. “As I said my boyfriend”, the words felt weird on your tongue, “is one of the presenters this evening. There are still some organizational matters for him to take care of.”

The man, Nate, nodded in understanding. “What about you? Aren’t you here with someone?”, you asked, hoping to not have to talk about yourself anymore.

Nate cringed at your question before laughing it off. “Well, my date jumped me yesterday so that kind of sucked.”

You couldn’t help but break into laughter. “Why would she do that?! It’s the Oscars”, you wondered then. “Turns out she was using me just for the fame and now found someone better to play with.”

You clenched your jaw and although Nate seemed to be completely loose talking about it, you still felt an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

For one, because you felt sorry for him, but then you also couldn’t help but project his words onto your and Toms situation.

Was he just using you for fame? Were you only something that brought him into the headlines for a while, before he decided that he had found something better and moved on? 

But no, that couldn’t be. It was Tom you were talking about. He wouldn’t use you nor anybody like this.

But somewhere deep inside of you doubts were nibbling on you. Harrison’s words had planted an idea into you; something he might not even realized he had done.

“Okay I know it sounds bad, but you don’t have to feel bad for me”, Nate’s voice woke you out of your thoughts and you quickly put on your smile again. 

“Sorry, I just-”, you didn’t finish. “Went somewhere else?”, he finished and you nodded in gratefulness that he seemed to understand.

“Sorry!” You felt a little embarrassed about it, but Nate quickly shook his head. “Don’t be.”

You talked to him until the doors opened a good few hours later. You found out that he was actually very funny, a little sarcastic, but what completely took you by surprise was that he seemed to have a deep side as well.

He knew that something was off, but didn’t ask any further and instead tried to distract you for a while.

You had even exchanged numbers.

“C’mere!” 

A familiar voice caught your attention and you spun around to find Zendaya petting an empty seat next to her.

Relieved that you had found her this easily you slid into the seat next to her and exhaled.

“Thank god! I already thought I would never find you and have to sit alone.”

Zendaya grinned in amusement before starting to poke your arm. “Hey, I wouldn’t have let that happen! I might would have even called out for you on stage to make sure we find each other!”

You laughed and watched the people passing by, hoping to make out Tom somewhere.

You hadn’t seen him since your conversation with Zendaya earlier and you feared that you wouldn’t see him again before his presentation started.

“Searching for your lover boy?���, Zendaya teased and you giggled. 

“I just wanted to wish him good luck, that’s all”, you muttered, a little disappointed that you wouldn’t be able to do it.

“I am sure Tom will forgive you”, Zendaya joked and you nodded, knowing that Tom wouldn’t be mad at you.

“But since you already started the topic.” You turned your head to meet Zendayas cheeky grin. “I wanna know everything!”

“Okay, so I think you have to be a little more specific!”, you commented and she laughed. 

“Is Tom a good kisser?”

You broke into a fit of coughing at her direct question and Zendaya broke into loud laughter. “I suppose that’s a yes?”, she giggled and you shook your head in playful annoyance.

“No comment”, you smirked and leaned back in your seat. It was nice talking to Zendaya. She could always make you laugh and didn’t seem tensed about the situation.

But that didn’t mean you weren’t terrified of her questions. How should you answer the question when you had never kissed Tom? 

“Have you done that yet?” 

“Done what?” You frowned, trying to figure out what she meant when suddenly you realized what she was talking about.

“Oh my god Zendaya! I’m not gonna talk about this to you!”

The girl didn’t seem to mind your rejection and laughed even more.

“I can’t believe you and Tom are a thing”, she suddenly said in a more serious tone.

“Really? W-why?”, you stuttered, now insecure when Z got serious.

“I don’t know to be honest. I guess it makes sense considering how close you always were, but I can’t believe Tom kept his mouth shut.”

“I guess he didn’t have a choice or else he wouldn’t be breathing right now”, you shrugged, but Zendaya didn’t react to your joke.

“So you were the one, who wanted to keep it a secret?

You gulped, hoping that the show would start any minute and release you from this situation.

“No, no, we both wanted that”, you protested and Z turned her head to you.

“I get that you didn’t want people to know. Trust me, I really do, I just wish you would have told me before all of this chaos started.”

Your guilt was heavy, but at the same time you hadn’t been able to tell her any sooner. A part of you wanted to tell her the truth, but you had made Tom a promise.

If you started to tell more people you wouldn’t be able to stop. “Where do we draw the line?”, Tom had asked and so you had agreed with him.

But right now, looking into Zendayas disappointed chocolate brown eyes made you fill with blame.

“I’m sorry”, you whispered and you hoped that she could see how true it was.

“We should have thought about you too.”

But the girl already wore a smile again, patting your shoulder. “Don’t worry. I know how love can be sometimes. It makes blind.”

You gave her a grateful smile when suddenly the light was dimed and the show started.

It all went by in a rush. Too many impressions were overwhelming you, but although your head had started to hurt, you felt happy. Sitting next to Zendaya made you forget about everything around you for a while.

All the press and fans that would be going wild about you and Tom were out of your mind and you just concentrated on having a good time.

Eventually it was Toms turn. You knew that he was beyond nervous about his presentation, but he covered it up perfectly- just like you had expected.

Seeing him on the big stage suddenly didn’t scare you anymore, but instead you felt unbelievably proud. 

You could still remember when Tom had first told you about his dream of becoming an actor. It wasn’t uncommon for kids to have such imaginations, but with him it had been different.

You had always known that it wasn’t just a phase. Tom wanted this and if he had set his mind on doing something, there wasn’t anything or anyone that could stop him from fulfilling his passion.

Tom had talent and finally people had witnessed how special he was. And somehow you were still here, by his side in all of this.

You knew that people were talking. How Tom would dump you and Haz sooner or later and choose more famous people to hang out with instead, but you couldn’t imagine it happening ever.

Tom was too smart and too kind-hearted to lose himself in fame. He didn’t care much about money nor fame. All he wanted was to act, the one thing that seemed to make him genuinely happy.

Applause erupted and you joined in, wearing the biggest smile while watching Tom leave the stage with a smile himself.

You glanced towards Zendaya to see her watching you with a smirk. “What?” “Nothing”, she shrugged it off. 

You were making your way out of the hall along with a crowd of other celebrities. The show had just ended and you were hoping to find Tom somewhere.

Searching the crowd you tried to make out his figure, but had no luck. So you searched for an empty corner to wait for him.

“Here you are!”

You glanced up from your phone to meet Tom’s relieved eyes. “I just wanted to call you”, you explained while putting your phone back into your purse.

“Sorry, I had to clarify some things backstage, but now I am ready.” You nodded before reaching out to hug him.

He was confused at first, but quickly pulled you closer into his chest. “I am so proud of you”, you whispered into his shoulder, but it was loud enough for Tom to hear it.

You felt his lips curving up into a smile before he stepped back to get a look on your face. “Thank you. That means a lot to me”, he whispered. “I hope you know that.”

You smiled, nodding while your eyes didn’t leave his. For a moment you had forgotten about your surroundings, only you and Tom being important right now. “I do.”

He smiled as well and you felt how vulnerable the moment was that you were sharing. You had missed this, just being with Tom without caring about anything else. And as much you loved teasing and joking around with him, you needed these moments as well.

Moments when you and Tom were honest with each other. It reminded you that you could tell him everything, even your deepest feelings, and he would make it his mission to help you. 

It was just who he was.

“About earlier”, Tom started and you knew the moment was over. You glanced to the ground, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t blame you for this Tom”, you interjected before he could say anything.

“Why? You should do it. This is all my fault!”

You sighed again, before reaching out to take his hand into yours. “C’mon, that doesn’t matter now. Zendaya isn’t mad at us and the reporters will eventually focus on a different topic.”

Tom nodded, but a frown was still covering his face. “I guess you’re right”, he stated and you grinned.

“Besides, it will allow us to spend more time together without being suspicious.”

Tom laughed at that and you were glad to relief some tension. “Now let’s go back to the hotel”, you suggested.

“You don’t want to go to the after party?”, Tom questioned and you shook your head.

“I am hella tired, aren’t you?” 

“Fair point”, Tom remarked and chuckling you made your way to the entrance.

The ride to the hotel hadn’t been easy, but eventually you had arrived. You had just put on some sweatpants and a loose t-shirt when Tom returned from signing a few more autographs.

“I can’t believe they waited all this time for a signature”, he chuckled while beginning to change. 

“Well I can”, you smirked, continuing to rub the make-up off your face.

“Yeah?”, Tom replied and you tried your best not to gaze into his direction. “If you didn’t know me, would you be standing out there too?”, he asked with a grin and you snorted.

“Totally!” You both laughed at the sarcasm in your voice. “I would be your biggest fan, Holland”, you added and he chuckled.

“How come I can imagine that so easily?”, he smirked and you huffed. “Oh shut up! Just because you delivered a not so terrible speech today doesn’t mean you’re irresistible.”

You turned to find Tom already in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt lying on the bed while scrolling through his phone.

“Trust me, I know you can’t resist me”, he grinned and you rolled your eyes, but not without being able to stop a smile from forming on your lips.

“You wish”, you chuckled while awkwardly walking over to the bed, stopping in front of it in uncertainty. 

Tom didn’t seem to notice at first, but then he looked up with a questioning look on his face.

“Is there anything you need?”, he asked while raising his brow. 

“Yeah the bed so make some space.”

“Oh.” Tom quickly moved to the side, putting his phone on the nightstand. 

“I could sleep in the armchair”, he suggested, but you shook your head. “There is enough space for the both of us”, you explained, still a little unsure about the situation.

It wasn’t like you and Tom hadn’t slept in the same bed before, but that had been years ago. While getting older you had become more aware and insecure of the situation and build walls around yourself.

But at night when you were sleeping, you were completely vulnerable. And you didn’t want to make this awkward for any of you.

Keep it simple.

“Are you sure?”, Tom wondered, visibly insecure himself. “Yeah, it’s no problem. Just don’t steal my blanket”, you tried to loosen up the tension a little.

“I will give my best”, he winked while getting comfortable. You did the same and soon Tom had switched out the light.

You woke up to the light flooding your room. Tom was still asleep next to you so you reached for your phone. 

8:30

Yawning you checked your messages and social media. But all tiredness vanished when you saw the hundreds and thousands of messages and followers you had reached. 

Zendaya had uploaded the photo of last night and you had to admit it looked pretty adorable. 

The comments were filled with hearts and cute messages and your mood brightened up immediately while reading all the positive messages.

The people really seemed to be happy for you. 

“What are you looking at?”

Tom’s voice woke you out of your thoughts. He had turned around, watching you with tired but attentive eyes.

“Social media. The people really seem to like us together”, you explained, grinning when you mustered Tom’s curls falling messy into his face.

He looked so much younger like this.

“See, I told you they would.” He had never said something like it, but you ignored that and just smiled.

“What’s the plan for today?”, you asked instead. 

Tom yawned, burying his face in his pillow. “Nothing to be honest. Just relaxing”, he murmured and it took all your attention to understand his muffled voice.

“That sounds lovely”, you smiled, really looking forward to a day off. 

“Tell me something I don’t know”, Tom smiled and you rolled your eyes.

Later you found yourself at the couch, scrolling through your phone again. All the comments begged for you to be seen and you couldn’t force yourself to stop reading. 

“Can’t get enough of all the love?”, Tom teased you from across the room. “Ha ha”, you commented, not looking up from the screen.

“Unlike you I don’t get compliments 24/7″, you defended yourself. 

It was silent for a second until you gazed up to see Tom sitting down facing you.

He hadn’t been able to unhear that you were bothered about it.

“Is that hard?”, he asked and you raised your brows. “What exactly?”

Tom cleared his throat. “I mean it somehow has become normal for me to look at my phone and see tons of compliments and lovely messages. Does it bother you that you don’t?”

You would have liked to smack him for that question, but his voice told you that he wasn’t intending to hurt you nor make you look small. He actually seemed to care about your thoughts and feelings towards the situation.

“Of course not!”, you called out, but Tom raised his brow. 

A look that urged you to tell him the truth. 

“Okay fine”, you sighed.

“Sometimes it might be a bit difficult to see one person get tons of love and attention while being invisible. I mean, I am happy for you and you deserve everything of that, but at times it makes one feel less of a person, like you are better than me. 

When I am depressed I can’t just scroll through my phone and see all the love of people that care about me. I will just sit at home and stare at a black screen.”

You didn’t know where your emotional outburst came from, but suddenly everything you had always kept to yourself came to the surface.

Talking to Tom just had that effect on you. He always gave you a reason to tell him your deepest feelings and you knew that you could trust him more than anything.

But now, when Tom was asking this question you just felt bad. You had never wanted to say those things out loud, especially not to him, but now it was too late.

But at the same time you felt like a small burden was falling from your shoulders. All this time you were feeling like you lived in Tom’s shadow and although you were fine with it most of the time, sometimes you struggled to accept it.

How should you learn to love yourself when you were always in the dark? When your two best friends gained all the attention and you were standing in the back as if you didn’t know them?

It was silent. You had put your phone away and were facing Tom, who seemed deep in thought. He was being completely serious and you could see on his face that he was surprised by your words.

“I’m so sorry. I should have asked this way sooner, but I never really paid attention to how you felt with me being famous.”

Tom’s voice was soft and like a warm embrace. “Don’t!”, you protested while rapidly shaking your head. “Don’t feel guilty. None of this is your fault!”

Tom smiled a little, but still seemed sad. “I just wish I would have known this sooner”, he sighed.

“I should have come to the conclusion that it isn’t easy for you, but I guess I just wanted it to be easy and ignored it.”

“Tom!”, you demanded for him to stop and he stilled. 

“Don’t do this to yourself! You deserve this more than anyone. I am unbelievably grateful that people see how amazing you are and show you how much love you deserve. It makes me so happy to see that people finally recognize you for all what you are.”

Tom’s eyes didn’t leave yours while you spoke and you could feel the nervousness kicking in.

Butterflies were erupting in your stomach and you did your best not to stumble over your own words.

“Thank you”, he smiled and you nodded with a smile yourself.

“You don’t have to thank me, Tom. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Tom shifted, but didn’t move away from you.

“Right.”

You smiled at him once more before trying to reach for your phone, when you suddenly heared his voice again.

“But I wanna say something too.”

You looked back at him with an amused smile on your face. 

“Go for it, Holland”, you encouraged him with a smirk, but Tom’s calmness told you that he was still being serious.

So you gave up your playfulness and waited for him to continue with a serious expression.

“I want you to know that, (Y/n), you’re not invisible. You are all I’m looking for when I enter a room and everything I could ever ask for. I don’t know why you’re still here or how I got you to be my friend, but please know that I am really grateful for that.”

You felt a lump in your throat and gulped to cover up how touched you were by his words. 

“I care about you! So whenever you’re depressed you text me, okay? I don’t want you to be alone and feel less worthy of love. You deserve so much more than that!”

Tom was watching you with sharp eyes, waiting for you to make him the promise. 

His words felt like a cure and poison at the same time.

They seemed to make up for every moment you had spend wondering why no one seemed to be interested in you and if you were less beautiful or smart or funny than Harrison and Tom.

But simultaneously they reminded you that Tom couldn’t keep his promise. As much as he might want to, it wasn’t possible.

You remembered when you had one of the worst days imaginable. Coming home you had broken down in tears and spend the rest of the evening crying until you eventually fell asleep. But through those tears you had called Tom multiple times and send him messages.

And you could still remember his only message. 

Sry, but I’m busy. Call you back later.

Not only had you found out that he had been out partying with Harrison, but also he had never called you back.

He had never asked you about the evening again, so you had just dropped it.

Or the other little moments when you had needed him and he had been unavailable; in an interview, filming, on press tour. It was always the same.

But right now that didn’t matter. Bringing it up would only make Tom feel bad about something he couldn’t control.

Well, except for the partying.

So you nodded.

He gave his best, so you should do too.

Besides, his words gave you weak knees. He cared about you. You are all I’m looking for when I enter a room and everything I could ever ask for.

Only a few words and your mind was going wild. Maybe he felt the same, maybe he was in love with you too. 

The hope that you so desperately tried to ignore grew and you began imagining what could happen next.

Maybe he would kiss you.

“Thank you”, you smiled, tears in your eyes.

“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what friends are for, right?”

His words felt like a punch in the stomach. Although he was only repeating you without any bad intentions, it felt like a slap.

You were brought back to reality. He wouldn’t kiss you. Why should he? You were just a friend to him.

Before he could sense the impact his words had on you, you forced a smile on your lips and reached for your phone.

Your mind was numb, while you scrolled through social media. 

You didn’t read any of the messages, was your mind too distracted to deal with the sudden rejection.

But you feared that if you stopped acting like you were distracted, Tom could talk to you again.

And right now his presence felt more like a burden than a gift.

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