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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 1 year ago

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Don't Speak 27

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, allusions to abuse, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: stuff is going on at work (I'm not in trouble) but it's kinda dramatic rn so...

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

Dr. Kemp walks in with a cup of tea and puts it in front of you. He insisted on making it for you and you were too hazy to deny him. You're still reeling from your session with Andy and now you're struggling to reset before your one-on-one.

He smiles and backs away, slipping your journal from the table where you left it and bringing it to you. You take it as he claims the vacated armchair across from you.

"So," he leans an arm on the chair casually, "I know it's been a long morning. We'll try not to overwhelm ourselves, yes?"

You nod and look down at the journal. You're already there. You feel like folding over and shutting down.

"How are you feeling? Is it a lot?"

You swallow and mouth a 'yes', too weak to get much out. You can feel him watching you. You can't even look back at him.

"Right, I guess... there are some things we need to delve into. For your own good."

"Okay," you croak, resting your journal in your lap.

"Have some tea, get settled," he suggests.

You reach forward, keeping a hand on the notebook as you take the mug. You blow over the steam and inhale the scent. It smells different.

"I brought it with me, I hope you like apple cinnamon," he says.

Finally, your eyes flick up and meet his. He watches you expectantly so you take a dainty sip. You hum, it's tasty.

"Thank you," you say and put the cup back on the table.

"Not at all," he runs his fingers along the armrest, "I have a very sensitive question for you."

Your brows draw together. You stare at his neck. He takes a breath, chest rising and falling.

"How much experience do you have in intimate relationships?" He asks.

The room goes stolid as you blink. He waits as you clutch the book tight, nearly bending the hard cover. Your lip twitches and your lashes flutter.

"I..."

"I know it can be hard, but we need to talk about these things. It's obvious you have some shame associated with that part of your life and self. That's not healthy but we can't treat you if you don't talk about it," he explains, "so, you don't need to tell me everything. That's something else you can put in your journal, okay?"

"Okay," you agree, "I can do that."

"But I still want an answer. There are some things I do need to know," he prompts.

You hang your head. You bite your lip deep as you weigh how to say it. Really, it's simple.

"None," you murmur, staring at your toes, "no one wants me."

He hums thoughtfully, "maybe not before, but you must see now that that's changed. I think it's obvious how Andy feels... isn't it?"

You nod again, a lump in your throat.

"But let's not focus on him, let's talk about you. Just you. Is there anything that you've done... alone?" He leans forward, just a little.

You blanch, breathless as the room tilts. You know what he means. You can't believe it. He's only trying to help, right? He is a doctor after all.

You grab the mug, comforting yourself with the hot porcelain. You part your lips and close your eyes. Just be honest, he's not there to judge you. He might even be able to help you.

"Yes," you utter tightly, "not... much. I... I was scared... so... just a little... touch."

You hear him inhale, "right, good. Thank you for your honesty."

Your eyes snap open, "your welcome."

"Let's go over your homework," he stands and you shrink down just slightly.

You watch him as he slowly crosses the room. He has very nice eyes, you think, and his hair looks soft. There's something about him that is welcoming in that moment.

"Just a second, okay, sweetheart?" He holds up a finger.

You force a half-smile and wait as he leaves the room. He comes back with a small plastic bag. It's black and unmarked. You've never seen a bag like that.

"May I sit?" He approaches the couch. You wave to the cushion quietly, "so, this is what you're going to work on. If you're going to get more comfortable in your relationship, you have to get more comfortable with yourself." He puts the bag on top of your journal, "you can use that to... explore yourself."

You look down and stare. He laughs again, softly. "Go on and look, it's yours."

You hesitantly touch the seam of the bag. You trace your fingers to the top and lift up the edge. Your eyes widen as you see the small silver shape in plastic packaging. You think you know exactly what it is.

"I can't..." you begin.

"You don't have to use it but you do need to... experiment with yourself. It's healthy." He says, "but if you need it... you have it now."

You move the bag under your journal as if to hide it. You give a noncommittal nod.

"And you can write down how you feel after," he offers, "oh, and... I can give you my email? If you have questions outside our typical sessions. How about that?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a burgundy pen, "can I put it in your journal?"

You bite down and reluctantly put down your mug. You open your notebook to a blank page and hand it to him. He puts down his email and shuts the book, putting it back in your lap.

"You did a really good job," he gently brushes his knuckles down your sleeve, "what happened to that purple sweater? I haven't seen you in it."

You shrug, "Andy liked this better..."

"Well, you shouldn't wear what Andy likes, you should wear what makes you feel nice," he gives a tug on the sleeve and draws away, standing with a groan, "well, I think you've had enough of me. Go enjoy your tea, doctor's order."

You look up at him. You slide forward and take your mug, standing with trepidation as you watch him. He smells like a forest. You like it.

"See you next week, right?"

"Sure, next week," you agree before turning away. You're just happy to get some time alone. You feel like you haven't had much of that lately.

🕊️

"Dove," Andy's timbre undercuts the chirpy tones of your music. You look at the door and lower the pen from your tablet, tapping pause as your dread returns, "Steve's heading out. Why don't you come say goodbye?"

You put your tablet aside and push yourself heavily across the bed. You stand and drag your feet, the handle rattle before you can reach it. Andy opens the door from the other side.

"Sorry, I was drawing," you murmur.

"That's fine," he says, "he asked me to come get you."

"Alright," you shrug.

Andy's eyes fall to your new outfit; the one you'd chosen yourself that morning. You see the small twitch at the corner of his lips. You move past him as if to outrun his ire.

You go downstairs and find Dr. Kemp by the door, buttoning up his black wool jacket. He has a scarf around his neck and you recall the redness in his cheeks upon his arrival. You peer out the narrow pane beside the door.

"Is it very cold out?" You ask.

"Probably even colder now," he smiles with good humour, "I never mind it. Favourite time of year."

"Oh," you bounce on your feet, "Amber always says it's hot chocolate season."

He chuckles, "that's a good way of looking at it. Hot chocolate; I'll have to remember that next time I come."

"Oh, uh, no, you don't have to–"

"I didn't say I have to, but I want to," he assures, "you a marshmallow girl? Or you like whipped cream?"

You can't help a smile of your own, "either."

"Alright, I'll bring both," he promises, "I'm sure Andrew will stick with his dark roast."

Andy growls but doesn't argue.

"Well I see I've overstayed my welcome," Kemp says, "I'll leave you two alone. Oh, Andy," he continues as he checks his watch, "what did you need me to bring for Thanksgiving? You said no to the peach cobbler so I have to learn how to make something else."

"Bring whatever," Andy replies dismissively.

"Oh, now he changes his tune," he scoffs, "what's your favourite?" Kemp looks at you. "For thanksgiving?"

You think and suddenly feel very sad. You remember the little dinners you would have with Amber, just the two of you. She always made you your favourite dish even if it wasn't very traditional.

"Banana pudding," you eke out grimly, "but… it's not very seasonal, I guess."

"But delicious," he says, "you okay?"

"Yeah, I… I'm fine," you fold your hands in front of you, trying not to let your homesickness seep through. "I… I'll see you next time."

"Sure thing," he winks, "Andrew," he nods and shakes the other man's hand, "you take care of her. She's had a long day."

You stand, spaced out, his silhouette blurring as you hear the door open and close. You just want to lay down and not think. You don't even have the energy left to draw.

"Dove," Andy touches your sleeve, "what's going on?"

"Nothing, tired," you lie.

"Alright," he accepts dully, "maybe you should relax like he said. How about I run you a bath?"

You don't answer. You pass him and head up the stairs. You can't tell him the truth, you know it'll make him mad. You don't want banana pudding, you want Amber's banana pudding.

"Hey, talk to me," he follows you, "a nice bubble bath sounds nice, doesn't it? It'll help take the tension out."

"Fine," you mutter as you get to the top of the stairs and turn down the hall.

"Is that it? No thanks?" He says tersely.

"I'm sorry," you face him just as you get to your door, "thank you, Andy, I really appreciate it."

"Do you? I thought we were making progress."

"We…are," you frown.

"Uh huh, is that why you brought her up?" He challenges. You shake your head. "Amber… you mentioned her and now you're all upset about it."

You push your lip out, "I miss her."

"You're better off here, where you can get better."

"I know but… she's still my sister."

"Right, and how much do you think she cares? She's got a whole house to herself now. And you've got one too," he gestures to the walls, "you have to stop thinking of that place as home, this is your home," he insists, "so go grab some PJs and I'll get the tub going."

You dip your head. You’re just sad, you wish he would realise it’s not his fault. That you’re lost and you always have been. You don’t know who you are or where you belong.

“Thanks,” you whisper and turn to open the bedroom door.

“Grab some of your new pajamas,” he says.

You go inside and open the dresser. You didn’t fail to notice that it found its way back flush to the wall. That must’ve been when Andy took your journal. That thought bites at your sadness, instead sparking your anger. You still can’t understand why he would do that.

You stop as you open the drawer and stare inside. You sift through the neatly folded clothes. A frilly pink nightie, another pair of pajamas with shorts printed with tiny purple hearts, items you would never pick for yourself. You remember what Dr. Kemp said.

You push aside the new sets and pick out the pair of plaid jammie pants and the grey sweatshirt with Snoopy on it. That’s your favourite pair of pajamas. Amber had the shirt with Woodstock. You hug the fabric and use your hip to close the drawer.

You grab the same novel you’ve been trying to finish since you got here and go back into the hallway. You near the bathroom door and peek inside as Andy bends over the tub. You clear your throat and set your things on the counter.

He stands and shakes the water of his hand. You can smell lavender. He faces you and dries his hand on a towel. His eyes drift from you to the clothes on the counter.

“Oh, those are… cute.”

“I like em,” you wring your hands.

“Yeah, but… they’re old. You have all your new stuff.”

“There’s no holes,” you argue, “and it’s getting colder.”

“Sure, sure,” he crosses his arms, his sleeves snug to his biceps.

You keep your eyes to the floor and move to stand against the counter. You glance over at the door, waiting for him to leave. He hesitates, stopping just in front of you.

“Dove, is everything okay?” He asks.

You tilt your head and examine the tiles. Your pulse is erratic. You shouldn’t say it. It’s not a big deal. But Dr. Kemp says you should speak up.

“No,” you clasp your hands tight, “I’m… I’m… annoyed that you took my journal.”

“Oh,” he lets the single syllable hang, “is that it? I apologised.”

“Yeah, but… but you went into my room and you went through my stuff,” you say, your tone wobbly, “and that’s… that’s wrong.”

“Well, dove, your room? This is my house,” he corrects you, “it’s not like I was snooping. I just forgot to ask you to grab it so I did it myself.” He sighs, “you know, I love you but you make such a big deal out of things.”

“It’s a big deal to me,” you sniff, “and… and you didn’t mention Thanksgiving. I didn’t know– I didn’t know we would do that. I… what if I don’t want to?”

“Don’t want to. Sweetie, why wouldn’t you want to? It’s a holiday. Our first,” he puts his hands on his hips.

You’re quiet. You swallow tightly. You take a breath and release it slowly. Your heart flips and you feel the room shift.

“Can I invite Amber?” You ask so abruptly that you have to slap your hand over your mouth. The thought escapes so fast you can’t stop it.

“Amber?” He repeats bitterly. “Why would you wanna do that?”

“Well, Thanksgiving is for family and… and you said, I want to… I want…” you can’t catch your breath, “to— say… s-s-sorry.”

“Calm down, alright? Don’t be so dramatic. Why? Sorry for what?”

“For hurting her. Like I hurt you, right? That’s what you said.”

He looks away and your eyes flick up briefly. His jaw is set and his eyes are fiery. You shy away as he faces you again.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he backs up and grabs the door, “take your bath. Get your head straight.”

He storms out and slams the door. You whimper and stare at the painted wood. You’re so stupid. One step forward, a hundred backwards. You just can’t let things be good.

#andy barber #dark andy barber #dark!andy barber #andy barber x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #au #library au #don't speak #defending jacob #series #fresh #steve kemp

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greensagephase · 2 months ago

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Imagine Miguel's reaction to Dulzura having such a bad nightmare that she's calling out and crying in her sleep. When she wakes up she ends up pulling him into a hug, because the nightmare was about Miguel when his heart stopped in the hospital...

Hiii, nonnie!! Thank you so much for the ask!! 🥰

Omg, the way I’ve thought about including this in the future 😭😭 I’m not sure that I will though, but I can imagine it rn.

Miguel would immediately pick up on your crying and calling his name. As soon as he reaches your bedroom, he’d kneel by your side, eyebrows furrowed with so much concern and pain just from hearing you in such distress. His heart would ache, seeing your damp eyes and the way you almost seem to struggle to breathe.

“Aquí estoy, aquí estoy, Dulzura [I’m here, I’m here],” Miguel would say, his hands itching to reach for you, but something still pulling him back from taking your hands [or maybe he’d already be open to physical contact at this point, idk🤭]. “Everything is okay, it’s just a bad dream. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here…” he’d repeat, wishing he could take your nightmare away and make it his own just so your pretty eyes stop shedding tears because the sight of them breaks his heart.

He’d finally wake you up with his voice and when your eyes land on him, you instantly sit up and reach for him, pulling him into your arms to feel him — to make sure he’s there in the flesh and not gone. You’d run your fingers over his back, feeling his warm and soft skin, to reassure yourself after the horrible nightmare about him dying in that cold infirmary room in the early hours of the morning, raindrops splattering against the windows. You hold him tighter, recalling that in your dream, the infirmary team notified you that there was nothing else to be done. The Spider Society's founder and leader had passed away. His heart had given out and no matter how much you called for him, no matter if his family told him to turn back because someone special wanted him back, Miguel stayed in that place where he was reunited with two of the most important people in his life: his little Gabby and Gabrielito, his brother with the cheeky smile.

Miguel [again maybe he’d already be open to contact] is caught off guard by how quickly you pull him towards you, but he realizes how much you need him at this moment and forgets about everything else. “Shhh,” he’d gently hush you. “It was just a bad dream. We’re okay, we’re okay. We both are,” he’d whisper, trying to calm your racing heart, even when his own eyes become damp because he can hear your sniffling and soft gasps of air, and feel the way you cling to him like life itself, as if he’ll turn into dust if you let go.

And if he’s open to contact, he’d probably rub his large hand over your back, gently and reassuringly, until your crying ceases. “Solo fue una pesadilla, Dulzura [it was just a nightmare],” he’d whisper, easing you away from your dream and bringing you to the present with him, to the comfort of the penthouse and away from that empty sector at HQ.

And of course, once you’re calm, I think he’d make you some canelita — something warm for extra comfort — just like you’ve done before for him ❤️

That’s how I picture it rn! 🥹 Sorry for the long response 😭 but I figured I might just go ahead and share since I don’t think I’ll include this in the story!

Thank you so much for the ask, nonnie!! I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend so far!!

Alondra❤️

#miguel o'hara #atsv miguel #spiderman 2099 #across the spiderverse #nonviolent communication #miguel spiderverse #miguel spiderman #alondra's answers 🍁

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brucebocchi · 9 months ago

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Winter 2024 anime roundup, Pt. 1: Ongoing/returning shows and the trash heap

hey y'all, this is also up on my ko-fi! it's free to read both here and there, but i'm struggling financially rn so i could appreciate if you'd throw a few bucks my way if you liked it!

I wasn't expecting to watch nearly this much anime in just the past three months, but life completely failed at getting in the way. So here's everything I either watched or tried to watch for the Winter 2024 season, and a short review for each.

I'm not going to bother with trying to rank them, so instead they're sorted by category, as follows:

Continuing series from Fall 2023

Returning series

What I dropped

Mixed reactions

On hold

New series that are actually good

With this first entry, I'll be covering the first three, with the back half arriving in another couple of days. As with the 2023 rankings, the OP for each show is linked in the corresponding title.

Here we go.

Ongoing shows:

The Apothecary Diaries

Looking back at my 2023 rankings, I think my placement of The Apothecary Diaries’ first cour at #11 may have belied how much I love this show and believe it to truly be one of last year’s greats. If anything, it was hampered by its status as an ongoing show making it incomplete by nature, and I worried myself over the possibility of recency bias taking over my top ten (Frieren is in the same boat, so its top overall ranking should really highlight how damn good it is). Make no mistake, though: The Apothecary Diaries fucking rocks, and it continues to fucking rock.

It’s largely more of the same, and that’s what you would want from another cour of this show. At the same time, though, more and more is uncovered about Maomao’s background and Jinshi’s status as the proverbial camera continues to pull back and the mysteries adorning the edges of the frame become clearer. I got a sense at the end of the Fall 2023 cour that the show was moving on from its episodic nature into something more serial and plot-driven, and I was mostly right: While several episodes of the Winter cour still revolve around various mysteries of the week, they all start to converge before you even realize it. It’s the same flywheel-effect approach to plot development that Kaguya-sama did so well: While so many of the events seem like one-off curiosities in the moment, these almost-imperceptible movements eventually barrel forward into an unexpected but perfectly logical momentum. The show teases out several plot threads that may not seem relevant at first, and it trusts you to be patient enough to see them play out.

I’m not at all exaggerating when I say that, along with the next entry on this list, The Apothecary Diaries is one of the best anime of the past five years. I had a feeling that this could end up being the case as 2023 came to a close, but I’m sure of it now. Watch this show.

Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End

Last year’s best anime continues apace into 2024 as we get an honest-to-goodness story arc: Frieren, who has been around too long to bother taking any magical governing bodies seriously, needs a certified mage in her party order to continue on the journey north. She decides to take the necessary exam to be certified as a First-Class Mage, a rarefied status in this world, and has Fern tag along to do the same in order to double their chances.

And it’s still incredible! Great action, brilliant animation, wonderful character moments, and a beautiful score. It is still the top-rated anime ever on MyAnimeList, and by a significant margin. I’m not sure I agree, necessarily, but I can say with all sincerity that this has been a perfect season of television and my Fridays now feel empty without it.

That’s all I’ve got on this one. What else do you want from me? I’ve already written nearly 2000 words about this show alone since it premiered. You’re asking me for more? I’ll kill you.

Shangri-La Frontier

If the low placement on my 2023 list was any indication, I was pretty fed up with Shangri-La Frontier by the end of its first cour, and the first couple episodes of 2024 being little more than plot set-up had me teetering on the edge of dropping it entirely. But I’ll be damned if it didn’t reel me back in once shit actually started happening and the plot really began to move forward.

Well, for a bit, at least. The height of the series so far has been the Wethermon arc, in which Sunraku teams up with his fellow shit-gamers, Pencilgon and Katzo, as they vie to be the first to take down a notoriously difficult unique boss. As the fight plays out, we get to see the feeling-out process of a tough action-RPG boss, rife with attack pattern memorization, skill timing, and buff stacking as the margin for error grows ever thinner. As always, the animation is on point, the soundtrack rules, and the action sequences are exhilarating.

But my major gripe with the series remains: There’s hardly any actual story here, even after 25 episodes. There are broad gestures towards a larger plot (“the truth of this world,” as the NPCs call it), but they are too vague to even resemble anything enticing. Everything in between the major fights is just set dressing, and there’s a lot of in between. There’s decent stuff in there, to be fair; the adorable rabbit NPCs are always a delight, and I love the commitment to depicting our top-level gamers as smug, preening shitheels. These are long walks for short drinks of water, though, and much of the main cast isn’t likable enough to make the downtime tolerable, to the point where watching the many set-up episodes feels like more of a grind than the actual grinding in the show. Even in the best fight sequences I still had moments where I found myself yelling “STOP TALKING ALREADY” at the screen. Internal monologues are a constant in battle shonen, I know, but if there’s any demographic whose internal monologues I want to hear the least, it’s gamers.

I kept watching this show despite myself, and six months later I’m still not sure how much I actually enjoy it. I haven’t seen any of the lousy VRMMO anime that people favorably compare it to, so at least it isn’t Sword Art Online. Yay, I guess? Yet here I am, still plugging away at a show I can’t strongly recommend to a lot of people. Shangri-La Frontier has turned me into a Steam reviewer.

Undead Unluck

The stakes continue to rise exponentially in one of last year’s more underrated shonen hits (or it would’ve been a hit if Disney gave a fuck about marketing the anime on its own platforms). The Union neutralizes a threat, gains a new Roundtable member, and then shit hits the fan.

The scope of this series goes into absolutely buckwild directions, and all I will say is that “Kimi no Todoke predicting the future” was not a piece of worldbuilding I would have ever expected. But at the same time, it never loses focus on the human element, which only gets more poignant as it goes on. There’s a really beautiful message in the last arc about how people can live on through the memories of others, well past their bodies dying, which hits nice and hard considering this season aired at the same time as Frieren.

This is a show that I tended to watch sporadically (because I just plain forget to open Hulu just to watch one show every week), and I would say that it was the ideal way to watch it, except the pacing issues from the first cour only got worse during a monumentally consequential sequence in the middle of the second. There was an episode that had, I shit you not, 90 seconds of new content in the first seven minutes of runtime, and at the exact point in the series where you’re salivating for something, anything new. In a season where so much goes on in just 24 episodes, I’m baffled that they felt the need to pad the runtime so much.

That’s the worst of it, though, and the momentum fortunately builds up from there and barrels downhill until the end. The story becomes incredibly meta, which was a very ballsy move for a Shonen Jump series that was still relatively early into its run. The gamble pays off, though, and the debut season ends on several incredibly strong episodes, and now I want more. I’ll be hopping on the manga soon.

It also struck me towards the end of the season just how goddamn cute everyone looks. For all of the spraying blood and grim marching towards Armageddon, it says a lot that I still wanna pinch everyone’s fat little cheeks.

Returning shows:

The Dangers in My Heart, season 2

The first season was absent in my 2023 rankings but I decided to pick it up while the second was still airing, and I’m so glad I did: The Dangers in My Heart is an almost-too-precious middle school romance that is endlessly endearing and bluntly honest (if a little exploitative) about what middle schoolers are actually like, warts and all. Insecurities are amplified, they struggle to figure out their identities, and mental and physical development run on different schedules from one kid to the next. And amidst all this raging hormonal nonsense, we have ourselves a lovely little romance story.

Kyotaro has (mostly) kicked his chuuni tendencies and realized that he’s madly in love with the beautiful, cheery Anna. He’s as aware as anyone of what a mismatched couple they’d be, though, and continues to self-sabotage any progress in the name of maintaining her good social standing. To pile onto his loner’s perspective of middle school politics, Kyotaro also gets a front-row seat to Anna’s part-time work as a model-slash-actress and he wonders if an underdeveloped shrimp like him should be seen anywhere near someone so obviously more mature. At the same time, though, he’s a growing boy, and we see lovely moments of progress as Kyotaro takes initiative both for her sake and to achieve what he wants. To both ameliorate and complicate these situations, Anna reciprocates his feelings towards her, and we creep ever closer towards what we want to see, in increasingly awkward and precious fashion.

So much of this anime is just gorgeous. Even setting aside the visuals and music (which are on point at all times), there are really lovely themes in here about insecurity, teenage perceptions of maturity, and self acceptance. On top of all of that, though, this is just a delightful slice-of-life romance story. You can probably guess where we’ve ended up by the end of the second season, but it’s the getting there that makes it all worth it. The manga is still running (and I plan to pick it up), so there’s clearly plenty more of the story to tell, but if this is where the anime ends, it ended perfectly.

Holy shit, though, did the first season really air at the same time as Skip and Loafer and Insomniacs After School? Dentists must have made a mint that season because every single one of these shows is so unrelentingly sweet that my teeth start to itch. Not that I’m complaining.

Mashle: Magic and Muscles, season 2

I honestly think I might’ve been too hard on Mashle in my 2023 rankings. I gave up on it a few episodes in when it’d initially aired, but I eventually came back to finish out the season and ended up having a pretty good time. I’ll cop to having forgotten that latter part when I mapped out those rankings, but that enjoyment quickly came back to me when I picked up season 2... even if the season begins with a ton of table setting.

Plenty of battle shonen take time to find their voice, both in manga and anime, and Mashle really seemed to hit its stride fairly quickly into the second season. Mash Burnedead’s lack of magical quality is no longer a secret, and now magical society has to find a way to deal with it, so the series’ initial stakes are raised and Mash HAS to become a top-level sorcerer lest he lose his life. Also, the bad guys are back. Unfortunately, just as I started to genuinely appreciate the ensemble cast, most of Mash’s friends took a backseat to the larger plot (Lemon is nowhere to be seen almost all season) as the villains raise the stakes with increasingly JoJo-esque magic abilities. There’s still plenty to like, though, and some of the new characters help. Props for having an openly nonbinary character play a major role.

The music is a real highlight here; a surprising amount of hip-hop paints the backdrops during dialogue, and any show with an OP by Creepy Nuts will immediately grab my attention. "Bling-Bang-Bang-Born" actually turned into a bona fide hit single, much like Oshi no Ko's "Idol" and Jujutsu Kaisen's "SPECIALZ," and I'd say it's well earned (seriously, it fucks, please click the link above). The animation has also started to really pick up where it felt like it kept falling short in the first season as well, and I found myself looking forward to action sequences more as the season went on.

And hey, it might’ve taken 21 episodes to get there, but I finally laughed at a cream puff gag!

Urusei Yatsura (2022), season 2

I really don’t have much to say other than it’s more Urusei Yatsura, and that’s just swell. We continue the modern adaptation of the classic gag manga as the OG anime babe and her piece-of-shit “darling” get caught up in yet more bizarre hijinks. Despite the 48-episode run being touted as an “Urusei Yatsura all-stars” cherry-pick from Rumiko Takahashi’s 34-volume opus, not all of the segments hit on the same level, but the stories that last entire or even multiple episodes have been killer. Lum and Ataru, despite their myriad flaws, genuinely do care for one another, and this series is at its best when those feelings get to shine through. Takahashi remains a legend for her expert balancing of comedy and heart, and while this particular adaptation doesn’t have the built-in benefit of 300+ chapters of familiarity, those moments still feel earned.

It’s Urusei Yatsura. It’s a classic for a reason. Watch it.

Dropped:

Gushing Over Magical Girls (dropped after one episode)

For the TL;DR version, consult the image above.

All I’d heard about this show going in was that the manga it’s based on was good and that there would be boobs. I wish I’d known more than that before watching, though, because if I’d known that said boobs would belong to middle schoolers, I wouldn’t have bothered with even the one episode I did end up watching.

I was drawn in by the initial premise, too: The protagonist, the conspicuously-named Utena (who looks enough like Bernadetta from Fire Emblem that I was immediately endeared to her), is an enormous fan of the magical girls who keep her city safe, so when an adorable maho shoujo mascot approaches her with an offer, she immediately takes him up on it. As her sinister-looking (and unnecessarily revealing) costume suggests, though, Utena doesn’t get to live out her magical girl dreams; she actually got roped into—and blackmailed into keeping—a role as a villainess. The magical girl team she idolizes quickly finds her, and to stave off their assault, Utena is forced to summon a monster to bind them. As they continue to struggle and squeal, Utena goes further with it by ripping their clothes and spanking their bare bottoms red, because it turns out that she’s actually into this stuff, sexually. The title, it turns out, is a double entendre.

Credit where it’s due for a clever concept: On paper, this is really goddamn funny! My issue is with the execution: I don’t really care to see someone’s sexual awakening if it involves repeated violations of consent, and much less so if I have to see nudity of ostensible middle schoolers (Japanese middle schools are the equivalent of seventh through ninth grade, meaning these girls are 15 at most). After 100 Girlfriends, I thought I could handle whatever trashy bullshit any anime could throw my way, but the longer I chewed on Gushing’s premiere, the worse it sat with me. I have no intentions of playing morality police here, but I can’t bring myself to watch any more of this than I already have.

Early teenage sexuality is a very difficult subject matter to handle delicately, especially in a comedy milieu, and I can levy plenty of criticisms on that matter towards series I otherwise enjoyed, like Call of the Night and the aforementioned Dangers in My Heart. And although there appear to be some coming-of-age elements here, Gushing doesn’t seem interested in handling it without being exploitative. Maybe it gets better, but I don’t plan to find out for myself.

I just feel like it’s a shame that in a season with some actual halfway decent LGBT representation, the breakout yuri hit is about middle schoolers performing dubiously-consensual BDSM on each other. And maybe that speaks to something for some sapphic viewers, and I have no intention of speaking over them, but I do know that this isn’t for me. I would’ve gone fucking feral over this show when I was like 13, but I haven’t been a 13-year-old boy for a long, long time.

I may not have a leg to stand on here as someone who watches Mushoku Tensei (and frankly, that one’s on strike two with me), but I have to put my foot down somewhere. For me, that “somewhere” is borderline pornography involving 13-15 year olds. I try to meet media where it is, even the squicky stuff, but I cannot put myself at the level Gushing Over Magical Girls sets for itself.

Sasaki and Peeps (dropped after eight episodes)

This show is frustrating to even process postmortem. After a mildly intriguing hour-long premiere that introduced a whole lot of concurrent concepts, Sasaki and Peeps somehow managed to not only continue heaping new ideas onto the pile, but also fumble every single one of them in a way that wasn’t even entertaining to watch.

Sasaki, a lonely 40-something salaryman of modest means, decides that instead of living vicariously through adorable animal photos on social media, he should pull the trigger and get a pet of his own. He settles on a reasonably-priced and suitably adorable fat little Java sparrow, who as it turns out speaks human language and is actually named Piercarlo the Starsage (Sasaki settles on calling him Pii-chan, or Peeps in English). The bird was reincarnated from another world, where he is able to take Sasaki at will, and the man realizes he can use the other world’s relative dearth of technology to his advantage and sets up an interdimensional trade full time so he can make coin on his own watch and help Peeps try the delicious beef he heard is the best food in Sasaki’s world. To the latter end, he also invests in a restaurant. Peeps also helps teach him magic, which Sasaki is forced to use in a pinch in the real world. He is quickly found out and gets roped into a secret government bureau of psychics, because the agent who caught him using ice magic decides he’d be a perfect complement to her water powers (think Kanne and Lawine from Frieren, but stupider). Sasaki now has to balance these multiple lives, which hardly ever interact with one another, as the stakes rise in Peeps’ world in the form of palace intrigue and in Sasaki’s world in the form of a growing threat of evil psychics or something. Also, there’s magical girls, because why the fuck not at this point.

If you actually managed to process all that and went “wow, that’s a lot, I wonder how they can tie all that together,” it brings me no pleasure to report that Sasaki and Peeps completely fails at that task. This is a work of fiction with entirely too many ideas, to the point where it feels like it has no ideas. There’s a saying in football that a team with two quarterbacks is a team with no quarterback, and Sasaki and Peeps has, like, six on its depth chart. You ever hear a band that managed to cram multiple genres in the same song and you get whiplash every time it switches up? Those are bands with a lot of influences, but no identity or vision to call their own, and that is Sasaki and Peeps to me: It is the Twenty One Pilots of anime. A lot of shit got thrown at the wall, and none of it stuck: This show, conceptually, is shit-stained drywall with a pile of turds adorning the moulding.

For a show about a 40-year-old man, it gave me serious pause that there was not a single named adult woman in any of the episodes I watched, and I grew even more frustrated waiting for one to show up. Sasaki’s partner, Hoshizaki, seems to be a driven, professional young woman, but it turns out she’s a 16 year old high school student, for some reason. The daughter of the viscount doing business with Sasaki is a young girl who likes to tag along with him, and Sasaki’s neighbor is a latchkey high school girl who may or may not have a yandere-ish fixation on him. The magical girl we meet is also definitely a kid. The female psychics they face off against don’t appear to be older than teenagers, though the one who appears to grow fond of him turns out to be several hundred years old, which especially gave me pause because we all know that unfortunate trope and the type of person who hides behind it. Before progressing any further, I found out that the light novel series upon which this show is based was written by someone with the pen name “Buncololi,” which told me the rest of what I needed to know.

That part made me increasingly uncomfortable, and I became less and less convinced that this show was capable of sticking the landing as it continued to pile on new, contrived ideas. This was a waste of an excellent voice cast, but more than that, a waste of time.

Tales of Wedding Rings (dropped after nine episodes)

I can’t believe how much goddamn isekai I ended up watching this season. That Tales of Wedding Rings wasn’t the worst one (see above) was a minor miracle, because boy howdy was this one a dud.

Satou is just a normal high school boy, blah blah blah, his childhood friend he’s in love with is actually a princess from another world and she has to go back to fulfill a political marriage, he follows her into the portal to pull a Benjamin Braddock. But then, gasp, the palace is under attack, so the princess (her native name is Krystal, but growing up in Japan she was known as Hime, which means… princess) instead decides to marry Satou, bestowing upon him her kingdom’s ring, which gives him powers that he uses to fight back the demons. It turns out that her ring enables him to use one elemental affinity out of five, so of course now Satou has to collect the rings held by the other four kingdoms in order to become the Ring King and save the world, and to do so he has to also marry each corresponding princess.

This is basically Tolkien’s Rings of Power but as a harem isekai with bonus nudity. What I saw of the season was basically a MacGuffin hunt that had waifus of various fantasy races attached. Fine character designs for each, to be fair, but it wasn’t enough to keep me interested. It’s funny on paper that (to paraphrase Geoff Thew) our protagonist’s power level scales with the size of his harem, but Tales didn’t do enough to make me actually care what was happening. And I wanted to! There were elf titties and I didn’t care. That’s criminal.

What makes Tales especially difficult to watch is that this show is fuck ugly. The color palette is muddy and unappealing, everyone looks uncannily shiny, and there’s a smudgy Vaseline filter over everything. The action sequences are uninspiring, the animation is lousy, and every character looks terribly off-model unless they’re naked. Watch the OP I linked if you don't believe me; that's the best of it. The aural element isn’t much better; ecchi scenes are punctuated by a Cinemax-caliber smooth jazz score that I pray was chosen ironically, and most of the show’s humor consists of “an old guy is screeching.” And if you’re wasting Shigeru Chiba’s talents on that one lousy joke, you’ve fucked up catastrophically.

What completely pushed me out of wanting to see any more of this show, though, was how hard it doubled down on the worst elements of harem anime by having Protag-kun be a wishy-washy little ninny even though he’s openly declared his love for and is literally married to Hime/Krystal. And I wanted to care about her; the narrative made me want to care about her, and her jealousy of the other princesses is warranted, but alas, the harem demands bodies. To his credit, Satou recognizes her mixed emotions and makes extra time for her to make it clear that she’s forever number one in his heart, but every single time their shared romance and emotions actually push them towards consummating their (all caps for emphasis) MARRIAGE, the show goes Rent-a-Girlfriend on us and finds a cheap excuse to ruin the moment. No thanks, I’m out. Nothing else about this show is good enough to make me wade through that shit.

Honestly, the only thing that had me coming back after my Persona 3-induced hiatus was that I wanted to see the dragon girl, and that alone was almost worth it, but there really isn’t much of a draw otherwise. There were better isekai, better romances, better fantasy settings, and even better uncensored harem shenanigans this season. I might pick this back up as the second season approaches, but I’m not in any hurry.

#anime reviews

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sheenashifts1217 · 3 months ago

Text

Pick A Pile #3

9/19/24

Message From Your DR Self

Take a breath and pick the image you’re drawn to first. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. This is a collective reading so some may resonate with this more than others. For a personal reading, check my pined post <3

Pile 1: Beach heart, Pile 2: Lightning Heart, Pile 3: Cloud Heart

Pile 1

Lyrics standing out:

“They say that we’re no good together and it’s never gonna work out

Everything you do is magic

Let em take pictures

Spread it all across the world now

I don’t know what to believe

Everything you do is magic”

Hi beautiful angels of Pile 1. Your DR self wants you to trust yourself more. You are your DR self. Your DR self is your CR self. Are you stressed about shifting? Don’t be because you’ve already shifted. Your DR self is telling you to take shifting and your DR off of such a high pedestal. There is nothing holding you back from your desires except for yourself. Get out of your own way. This I your sign to embrace all that you are and to on your power. You don’t need some outside cosmic force to make you shift. YOU ARE A COSMIC FORCE. Allow your reality to flow, it doesn’t have to be follow any rules. Magic is normal, normalize it to yourself because “everything you do is magic”. Every choice you make is shifting your reality, it’s that simple.

Your DR may include a lot of magic ad your DR self wants you to know that your s/o loves you like breathing.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: 444, blue bird, green leaf, dew drop, glass of water, blue, Billie Eillish, older women, dance

Pile 2

Lyrics standing out:

“Haven’t seen my mother in a long, long time

Do you really think I give a damn

I say I live in Rosemead, really, I’m at the Ramada

So many other things you can’t believe

Puts the shower on while he calls me

Your mom called, I told her you’re fucking up big time”

Hi beauties, Pile 2! Your DR self is telling you that you are having the time of your life. You may be a person who shifts pretty frequently, but to different DRs, or you may have a lot of DRs, but struggle to focus on one. Your ability to go with the flow is rewarding you greatly. If you’re shifting for an s/o, your relationship couldn’t be better. Marriage is in the near future for a few of you. Basically, your DR self is saying to sit back and enjoy the ride. Everything is going your way because you’re allowing it. Keep doing whatever you’re doing because it’s working. You’re on a path of healing and your inner child is shining. You are finally learning to give up on the thought of needing external validation and people pleasing. Keep it up because your hard work is paying off!

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: “J”, red, crayon, curve, back road, country, serve, slay, boots, 24, 2, Taylor Swift, Willow, 90’s

Pile 3

Lyrics standing out:

“Now he’s just a shadow

My boy loves his friends like I love my split ends

My boy don’t love me like he promised

He ain’t a man, he sure as hell ain’t honest

Who are you?

He said he’d change

You want me to be yours, then you’ve got to be mine”

Hello lovely Pile 3! Why are you still doing things and allowing things in your life that don’t serve you? I know that was harsh right off the bat, but seriously, why? You know what you need and you know what hurts you. You’ve become comfortable in your cycle instead of actually speaking growth. Your DR self is telling you to stand the fuck up because you could be doing literally anything else, yet you’re self destructing. A lot of you began shifting to heal your inner child, but you began to use it to sulk and self destruct. Your DR self is you RN. You are in your CR because it is where you are desiring to be. Change your mindset to be in your “DR”, because right now, you’re making your CR be you DR by choosing to remain in the loop and keeping the same mentality. You always say you’re gonna change but don’t follow through. Actually do it, you won’t regret it. Your DR self says that things are great in your DR right now and they’re tired of you complaining about not being there when you’re not even actually intending to be there. A lot of things will lighten up once you face your shadow self and actually take that leap of faith.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: purple, cream, sparkles, glitter, candy, green, jeans, eagles, pen, fun, 888, 9, 23, trees, flowers

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chvoswxtch · 2 years ago

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Life is being a b rn and i am overwhelmed X 100 so i was listening to sweet nothings by T.Swift yesterday and sobbed imaging matt. So the request: reader is hella stressed due to work and life she comes home one day and just breaks down and matt goes "hey come here" and then he kisses her nose and her eyelids (idk y i find this cute) and its all soft and fluffy. feel to ignore this ig lmao. love you xx

again, I wasn't planning on posting this today, but it spilled out of me so easily I felt like it was a sign that you really needed this today nonnie, and maybe someone else does too. I hope your day is going so well, & you're feeling much better. sending you all the love, my darling. ❤️

blurb below the cut.

sweet nothing.

to you i can admit, that i’m just too soft for all of it

Matt could tell from two blocks away that it had been a rough day. He felt the tension weighing down your shoulders like gravity, and the heat of irritation burned across the tops of your cheeks. He heard your labored breathing when you entered the building as you attempted to steady your emotions in case you had to face him.

You always tried to compose yourself when you came home, no matter how much Matt reminded you that you couldn’t fool him. He knew you like the back of his hand, even without his heightened senses. You were always so worried about caring for him that you often tried to erase his opportunities to show you the same gentle affection.

Like you were right now, furiously wiping away frustrated tears in the elevator, probably hoping that he couldn’t already taste them. His heart ached at the way you took deep breaths to calm yourself before stepping off the elevator, and the way your fingers struggled to locate the correct key on your set.

He wasn’t always home when you had a rough day, and he often felt guilty about that. His biggest regret in your relationship was that he wasn’t always there for you as much as you were for him. But he was here now.

Matt opened the door the second you stepped in front of it, noting the sharp gasp of surprise at his presence, and he plastered an empathetic smile on his lips as he extended his hand to reach for you.

“C’mere.”

“Matty…I…d-didn’t think you’d be home. Don’t you have that-”

“Angel, come here.”

Matt didn’t give you a chance to hesitate this time, lightly grasping onto your waist to pull you inside, gently tugging your purse away from your shoulder to toss onto the entry table as he shut the door with his foot. The moment he enveloped you tightly into his chest with his strong arms, you broke.

It never failed to break Matt’s heart hearing you cry. You were sensitive, and sometimes crying was how you let it all out. He understood that about you, but it still pained him nonetheless. He wanted to protect you from everything; the monsters that hid in the shadows, and the ones that lurked in your mind.

Matt delicately cradled the back of your head against his chest while he held you, rubbing soothing circles along your lower back with his palm as he shushed you, pressing his lips firmly to the crown of your head while you cried into his dress shirt. He lightly swayed with you from side to side, which conjured the memory of the two of you dancing around the living room a few months ago with the aided technicolor lights of the billboard across the street. You had been so happy that night. Matt made a mental note to dance with you more often.

He allowed you a few moments of comfortable silence before speaking, keeping his voice quiet and gentle.

“Do you wanna talk about it, sweetheart?”

“Today was just…hard, Matty. I…don’t know how to-”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. Did something happen? Or is it a little bit of everything?”

“Little bit of everything.”

Matt hummed in acknowledgement, slipping his fingers into your hair to lightly massage at the back of your scalp. He rested his chin on top of your head and closed his eyes, listening for your heartbeat to decrescendo into a calmer rhythm. He tightened his arm around your waist when you let out a heavy exhale, your entire body releasing the pent up stress along with it. It always made his chest swell with pride that you found a safe haven in his body as much as he did yours.

“I love my job…but it’s so…stressful sometimes. And I’m…I feel like I’m doing everything I can.”

“I know what you mean, honey.”

“Maybe I’m not g-”

“Don’t start that.”

Matt’s voice was firmer as he wrapped his hand around the back of your neck to give it a light squeeze, dipping his head down so that he could press his forehead against yours.

“You are good enough. You’re just having a rough day, sweetheart. It’ll pass. It always does, right? That’s what you tell me, isn’t it?”

“It’s different with you, Matty.”

“How do you mean, honey?”

“You’re…strong. You can handle it. Sometimes I think…I’m just too soft for all of it.”

A faint smile tugged at the corner of Matt’s mouth as he pulled back slightly to cup your face in his hands, brushing your tears away with his thumbs carefully. His blank eyes stared just above your head, and the smile on his lips split into a wider grin as he shook his head slowly.

“What?”

“It’s okay to be soft. That’s where I come in, honey. To be strong when you can’t. Whatever you feel like you can’t handle, just give to me. Let me have it. I’ll do whatever I can to make it better.”

A soft sigh escaped your mouth as you wrapped your hands around Matt’s wrists, leaning your face into his right palm. He could feel your eyes on him, and the way the corner of your mouth quirked up slightly.

“You know, you may be the Devil to everyone else, but you’re an angel to me. I’d tell you to change your name, but I don’t think ‘The Angel of Hell’s Kitchen’ would strike fear the same way.”

A deep laugh rumbled in Matt’s chest at your words, and his eyes crinkled as he grinned down at you.

“Probably not.”

“Besides, you look really good in red, Saint Matthew.”

“Duly noted, sweetheart.”

Matt flashed you a cheeky grin as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to your forehead. His warm breath fanned over your skin as he placed another kiss to the tip of your nose, one to both of your eyelids which caused you to giggle, and lingering ones to your cheeks before he finally met your lips in a soft kiss.

“What do you say we order in and take a bath, hm?”

“With bubbles?”

“All the bubbles you want.”

“All the bubbles I want? You spoil me, Matty.”

tags: @yarrystyleeza @little-miss-dilf-lover @neverlandcity @charmedkim @queenofthenoobs @stilldreaming666 @mattymurdock1021 @bubuslutty @messymissy @dark-academia-slut @strawberry1042

#matt murdock #matt murdock request #matt murdock blurb #matt murdock x you #matt murdock x y/n #matt murdock x reader #daredevil #daredevil request #daredevil blurb

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illyrianbitch · 6 months ago

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Queen we are starving for EIM!! (No rush tho!!) Hows it going?

eeek i’m so sorry lovey i’m working on it!! i was ready to have it out last week bc i wrote so much but i’m going throughhh it rn :( i’ll try to get it out asap but it’s not going well at all ☹️

while im on the subject here’s a lil long update & personal rambling:

some trigger warnings for death, suicide mention & breakup stuff <3

grief is such a strange little creature and it’s currently biting at me rn, im just rly feeling the loss of my friend. since he passed towards the end of my semester, i was so stressed with finals and preparing for summer that i never properly processed it. i’ve been struggling a lot with this guilt that comes from knowing someone who took their own life and chastising myself that i didn’t keep in closer contact with him

plus i’m properly going through the breakup feelings now and that’s also such a strange type of mourning. i made a post about this already but it’s weird writing rn because my experiences of love came from my partner. i don’t know if it’s healing or harming me to write about these sweet feelings that i fully base on moments i had in my relationship. its veryyy bittersweet

this is hard to explain but we were together for a long time (at least ~4.5 years is a lot to me) and he knew me, like knew me, knew me. and now he’s not in my life and i don’t feel known anymore. these versions of myself i’ve been, that he loved, aren’t known to anyone else now and it’s a bit lonely and i’ve been heartbroken over it. i’m mourning all those versions that’ll never be known by someone else and the future versions of myself that he could’ve loved too.

also, i recently had someone pass away in front of me. i work at a senior living community and i absolutely love love my job. but the circle of life does mean that i deal with death a lot. usually i’m good at managing but this time….she was one of my favorite residents and she had a heart attack when i was on call. i sat there with her as the ems came, watched as they did everything they could, and then sat there talking to police as they covered her. and i’ve been thinking about that experience nonstop since

all of this blabbering just to say i’m going through a rough time right now. i’m hoping i can write soon bc writing is truly my way of getting my thoughts out but we shall see. i’ve been very very critical and insecure about my work recently so all of these negative emotions haven’t helped (womp womp)

remember to take care of yourself and hug the people you love! tell them how much you love them! (also esp your fav writers! we’re all going through our own lives & you never know how far a compliment goes) <3

#asks #rae rambles #very personal #whoopsies #im gettin around to answering my asks and msgs #slowly #<3

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kel-lance · 7 months ago

Text

JJK Mafia Au (JJK x Reader) PART 5

Warnings:

- TW: Dead dove dont read (DDDR) Minors do not interact (MDNI): SA, Physical Assault, DubCon, NonCon, Mindbreak, Public Humiliation, Breeding, Ownership, Gaslighting, Multiple manipulation, RWORD, PTSD, a lot more toxic sh.

___________________________________________________________

AN: It’s my birthday! And I think this is my favorite chapter so far.

I hate to ask though I’m still struggling with the unemployment (got fired from a big bank bc of protesting months ago), the gov rn is holding my weekly needs so I’m about to get evicted next month. If you could donate anything I’d really really appreciate it 😥😥 I had to give away two of my cats already and I’m heartbroken abt it but they’ll have better homes at least. Thanks for reading.

PayPal: appleg0d Cashapp-$taa10t Venmo- taakt17

_______________________________________________

“Hey aren’t you supposed to be watching me or something?” You tailed behind this silver haired twink and wondered if he was taking his mission seriously. Was he not afraid of Gojo? Did you get raped by /another/ lowley member of society?

He ignores you and keeps walking down the hall. You stop and wonder if he’ll notice if you were gone. Maybe he was hoping on it, but then you would be out in the open. It may not be such a big deal if it were just a few days ago, but this huge mess was someone's fault, and it couldn’t be yours, could it?

He turns the corner and you swear you saw him glare at you before disappearing. You were now left alone in this large walkway. What the fuck do you do? Before you were fine, you lived for years on your own, but right now you needed someone to tell you what to do.

What the hell was going on? This was “just mafia life”? Or generally being reduced down to just a woman? You backed into the wall and let yourself think for once, while everything was happening, you turned your brain off to survive. Would the days worth of torture and change be too much for you?

You didn’t have to think about that before. Maybe once or twice, but that was when you knew the Gojo and Zenin gangs’ turf. You don’t remember if you’ve seen any of them before, while living normally. Of course most of them looked like anyone else. Without their faces of death, they just looked like regular people.

“What are you doing all alone?” Your eyes shot toward the direction of the new voice. It was pretty, almost melodic as it bounced around the empty hall.

A young man walks towards you, his presence almost indescribable. His smile and looming height were welcoming, but his eyes and dark features, you could read them well. You almost wished Inumaki hadn’t ditched, though you couldn't tell if he could save you from this new character.

“?” He stops in front of you, crossing his arms, still smiling. “I asked you a question.” Fixing his stance, he trapped you by leaning in, as you hadn’t left your spot against the cold wall.

“What? Have you been hanging around Inumaki or something?” He grabs hold of your face, pulling it up, forcing your attention to him. “Speak.” He smiled.

You were tired of this, grabbing back at his arm, you really tried to pull it off of you. Strength would be an issue, but you knew how to use the rest of your body. Jumping up, your wrap your legs around his waist, taking this as a chance to catch him by surprise, hopefully with your weight you were hoping to throw him off his feet. Sadly, you wouldn’t get further than this, as the risky move really costed you.

The dude held you at the waist, locking you in with his grip. His face annoyed, or was it more bored? What was with these guys/ How do they just do this for fun?? You freeze again, you could feel it. “No,” You say. “Please I’m so tired.”

He only looks at you, fear set in deep in your chest though you still didn’t know who this weirdo was. He was as scary as if you knew who Sukuna was in that alley. Exactly who he was and knew what he and did to you. The bulge in his pants getting bigger as you trashed trying to get away, but he just pushed you further into his core.

“My cousin? He didn’t even mean it.” He closes the gap between you two, pressing your chests together, one hand holding you up just by your ass, the other on your back keeping you close, your heartbeat uncontrollable now. “Ill show you what yearning’s really like.” And with that he starts to walk, bringing you back to the living quarters, finding your new/designated room.

“I’ve probably known you longer than any of these idiots, and you let my cousin get to you...” His sweet voice gave the same tone as a knife being sharpened. “When I knew you first.” Your eyebrows furrowed.

“You can think long and hard, but I remember what happened to you 2 years ago. And what about what happened 5 years ago, and I have to mention how cute you looked in glasses.” You sank into yourself, your entire being wanted to disappear. He knew? How did he know? You haven’t worn glasses since high school. And those events, no one would ever have been able to know about.

He brings you to the bed and keeps a hand on you, holding you down with just his hips to yours. God you couldn't do it again. Everything hurt, seriously youd wish they'd be able to knock you out and just let you deal with their mess after, but you knew he wasn’t gonna be merciful with you.

His grip hurt. It’s like he was a spoiled child told to wait, and now that he has his present and he just couldn’t wait to tear it apart. The more you squirmed, the more strength he applied. Pinning you further into the bed, and everytime youd move away from his sloppy desperate kisses, he’d actually create a fist and hit you in the face, making it easier for him to continue. You noticed he was getting angry around the 5th hit, “How could you let Gojo so easily when I wanted you first?!”

The door opens and Inumaki walks in. “Toge help!” You tried. At this point your lip and nose were bleeding. Your head was pounding with the way he was just playing with you, strangling you for a few seconds and then kissing you everywhere, praising you for the noises you made. The next few could’ve knocked you out so he had resorted to punching at your arms and legs, adding pain to every movement you could manage after the breath play.

“Don’t be such a whore.” He kept you pinned to the bed. “You don’t have to worry about him, he’s been keeping watch.” Your tears flowed into the bed, you couldn’t take this anymore. How many people were just going to use you or watch? It could /always/ be worse you thought. They could be doing a lot worse, but the inconsideration to your liveliness was killing you. The freedom you made for yourself was taken just because a man said so. You were more than frustrated, it was enough to let go of the mans arms finally, though your vision blurred through your tears, you could tell he was smiling at you.

“What’s wrong dove, have you finally figured out what you are?”

You look away, your eyes finding Toge’s. His purple irises shifted to the floor, not trying to look at you. He looked more upset than annoyed. Almost like he knew he couldn’t do anything to help anyway, he had no control over his friend. You just wished someone could stop all this already.

“Good thing he’s here, huh, or else something bad could happen to you.” He laughs and tells the other man to bring the rope, you’re a scratcher. If anything, he’s also seen what you’ve done to others who’ve underestimated you.

You give little resistance, knowing they’re not afraid to rough you up more to continue. ‘Skinny’ bound your hands together, and sits you at the head of the bed, holding your arms above your head. He was sitting up while having your head and upper body laying on his lap.

Not even a second later your clothes were around your ankles, and pulled above your chest. You were fully exposed, you try to pull your knees together. What actually made you give up was how silent they got. They weren’t taunting you right now and that terrified you, that they had a plan and seemed like they were sticking to it. At that point you just let them do whatever they wanted as the other stared with anticipation.

Yuta couldn’t wait anymore, the sight of you already had him eager. He’s waited years for you, staying low, continuing his mind games as his world didn’t agree with taking in outsiders, he could only work around you to learn about you, and who knows when this obsession started. His hands were all over you, grabbing, pulling, pinning, hitting you all over to let you feel the yearning he had for you.

"Ugh, seriously..." You were better than he thought. He growls under his breath, biting onto his finger, trying to hold himself back. Toge held your arms and torso down, more so held you in place as Yuta’s big hands laid another assault on your bare ass. He gives you no warning and aligns his pulled out tip to your hole and slowly shoves the head in.

Staying like that for a moment you were terrified if he was going to start going crazy on you. This position especially was going to hurt if he can’t put you in correct bindings already, your wrists hurt, your face hurt, you were about to hurt was all they were telling you.

“Hey, why haven’t you ever noticed me?”

“Answer him.”

“I just met you today, I don’t know you.” The words just flew out your mouth. That gave you no time as he shoved himself a tiny bit more inside, heightening the fear and pit in your stomach he was starting to reach.

“Why did it take this long for you to be under me?” “What took you so long?” It felt like he was growing bigger inside you.

“Answer him.”

“I don’t know you!” You could feel yourself squeezing around him.

His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to keep his composure. He almost busted from just the look you had but the extra pressure just made him want to start trusting and never stop. Instead he had to hold it together, just a little longer… “You know my girlfriend hates you. She’s someone who gets jealous over anything. “

He leans closer, picking up your chin to face him as he devours you with his eyes. “She waits for me everyday while I think about you. It was at first sight.”

“Hey, what do you think of me?” His eyes almost lit up as he asked that. “Hey, look at me.” You really just wanted them to get it over with already. This is dragging out so much longer it feels even worse than being at Sukuna’s weird mansion quarters or whatever it was.

“I told her you were just some bitch. I couldn’t care less about some stupid slut who lived on the streets.” His breathing and heart beat were quickening, hopefully this would be over. “I had to lie every time just to keep you close. It was to shut her up, bc your existence drives us both crazy.”

His drawn out sigh and uncontrollable convulsions came quick. He hadn’t even put the whole thing in. Wait that wasn’t the whole thing?? You look down and Jesus Christ it was half.

From this angle you must’ve been your tightest. At least you knew it made everything feel bigger, or was it just so close to your sweet spot that your body spawned back a bit, bucking into his release. “Hm?” He gave you a smile, “What was that just now? Did you just try to fuck me back?” He comes faces to face with you as he’s still releasing, giving you an awful smirk before kissing you again.

He was large alright, but not like the men in their 30’s. You swear after a certain age their dicks start to gain weight. The quiet one gently shoves Yuta’s upper body off yours so he could flip you, having you face his hard on directly. His dark haired friend loves the sight and says, “Suck him off, whore.” He pushes his hips fully into yours, connecting you three. He’d pushed your head down, having you throat his friend so far,your entire face was smothered by his hot skin.

He pulls you up and hisses, his whole body lightly twitching. Yuta groans, pushing your head back down on him as he rammed into you from behind. He was the only one moving all of you, creating a rough motion to pleasure everyone at the same time. If it were under different circumstances this would be so fun and hot, but you’ve read about the last few chapters, thank god it’s a fantasy. “This is just a fantasy.”

Your loud moans vibrate around his cock, driving him wild. His grip on your hair tightening as each fit drove you back into him. The other one grabs at your legs, pulling out and flipping you over, fully letting his partner come into you. God it was a sight, but the dark haired man didn’t flip you over just for that.

——————————————————————————

- then toge leaves to stand watch outside and god you were actually scared of yuta.

- he was as cruel as toji but disconnected as choso, there wasn’t even a reason for this he just knew he could so he did. He was merciless, you felt like you were about to pass out multiple times until he hit you back to life.

- he started to get mad that this was the best he’s ever had and now doesn’t want to share. He doesn’t want you off on your own because stuff like this happens.

- He gets mad at you for being so much better than he thought/better than his girlfriend. His gf doesn’t help him forget about you either. You were drilled into his head before he even met her, which definitely drove her crazy.

- And where were you this whole time (it’s rhetorical he’s been with you the whole time.)

- He blames you for this happening and now that he’s gotta breed you to make you his. He doesn’t care about the plan, he doesn’t care about anything else, you were in his grasp and he was never going to let it be so close again. He wanted you and was going to ruin everything for all 3 clans if it meant you two could finally run away together.

- he cuts in you and bites you and hits you a few times and you cry and he looks disgusted and leaves. Again he’s only known the idea of you. He’s used to seeing glimpses, staring from a far, hoping to hear lips of your voice, your laugh, even to start setting up cameras in places he knew you’d frequent. But as of right now, you’re his and he has work to do. He’s gotta make sure this stays his.

- leaving you with Nanami who starts cleaning you. (Next chapter?)

- Gojo’s hospitality is sure shit, he tells Shoko and others that if he didn’t order it then they’re not to help you. You didn’t think anyone here could have a heart, well with this line of business it was going to end up awful anyway, but you really couldn’t have told that this blond stoic, even scary looking man was the gentlest person who’ve known this entire few months of hell.

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ficyorick · 14 days ago

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I haven’t done this in a while but I don’t have any good juicy updates to share rn so I’m sharing a deleted scene :^) !!!!!

this is from chapter 7, it was part of the butcher and homelanders late night chat during which they sort of finally verbally acknowledge how much they need each other . this bit of dialogue has been haunting me … I’ve been trying to get this scene working in various chapters .. as back as chapter 2 honestly … but I always end up removing it bc it feels too self aware for homelander and that’s why it’s ultimately Kessler who says the same sentiment in ch8 . Someone else calls him broken but it’s homelander who notes that it’s the reason he keeps going, neither Billy nor Kessler can break him in a way that matter… it’s sad it’s Jesus-like it’s narcissistic it’s sooo homelander to me

I still might try to rework some of this dialogue in some other way … . Forgive me if u see it again in some shape or form !!!!!

___________________

"Okay. So if I say don't—" Homelander paused, clearly struggling to let the next words pass through his throat: "—hurt me, are you going to listen?"

Billy thought about it. Then didn't answer. Homelander just let out a little triumphant hum.

"God, you think you're soooooo special." The couch behind him shuffled as Homelander sat up, pulling his jacket back on, zipping it up. Must've gotten cold again. "Blah, blah, blah… almost like you're the one getting tortured, not me. Jesus. Newsflash, buddy. Maybe you're the first person to really cut me up, but everything else you've been doing… well, it's a little bit pedestrian."

He was right. At least about Billy thinking only about himself. The rest sounded insane.

"What the fuck are you talking about." Butcher sighed out into his palms. He didn't even realize when he put them over his face, covering it up completely.

"You're getting stale. You have been for a while now." Homelander continued, settling onto his back again. His voice was hoarse but completely in control now. Factual even: "All that shit you've been doing to me, Vought already thought of. When I was a fucking child."

He knew this. Billy let his hands drop from his face. "Vogelbaum said—"

An instant interruption: "I don't want to know what he told you. I don't care."

"All I need you to know is that in the grand scheme of things, you're not even a blip on my radar. No matter what you do to me. Sure, I had my powers back then, now I don't, so it's been a bit of a transitional period to me—but I'm getting used to the pain, William. I'm getting used to it." The blue eyes dropped to his feet and traveled up his sick, cancer-ridden body only to stop at his face. A scowl twisted Homelander's face, a beautiful display of utter disdain: "What could you possibly do to beat sixteen years in a cage? Do you even have a year left?"

Billy had no answer.

"Hm. Thought so." Homelander tilted his head a little, gave him one last unimpressed look and withdrew.

"So what now?" Butcher asked hoarsley.

#posting from mobile sorry if looks yucky !!!#be deleted scenes

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stevenssticks · 1 year ago

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AGHBBSB I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCHH 😭😭😭 Do you think you could write something longer with submissive Izzy???? Or something with blindfolds like you were talking about!! I’m so obsessed ilysm 😭😭

this is calling my name rn… here you go bae

izzy would come home to you after a long day, all worked up and upset about a multitude of things. the band, axl being axl, literally everyone being everyone at this point because we know the boys all had their issues. he would be so worked up that he’s vibrating with tension. holding it in his shoulders and back and they’re aching from being so tense already. you feel it when he walks through the door.

“what happened, honey?” you ask tentatively, calmly. not wanting to overwhelm him.

“i don’t know.. i just- so much. everything is just so much today and i cant…” he trails off, head hanging low. you walk over to him from where you were situated on the couch, taking his hands in yours and bringing them to your lips to pepper kisses over his knuckles; something he usually does for you. the reversal of roles touches him, and he comes closer to you to lean down and put his head on your shoulder. breathing you in.

slowly you walk him to the bedroom, guiding his clothes off him without saying a word. you push him so he’s lying on his stomach, ready to get all that tension out of his shoulders. you knead at the knots between his shoulder blades and by his neck. him letting out little gasps and moans as you help him relieve all that tension, but he still needs something else, and you know exactly how to give it to him.

“can you roll over, baby?” he does so instantly. looking up at you with those pretty brown eyes you love so much. you get off the bed for just a moment to grab something from your closet. you hold the little black something in your hand, waving it at him. the blindfold. yeah, it’s one of those nights for sure.

you crawl back up onto the bed, instructing izzy to lift his head so you can wrap the blindfold nice and tight. izzy’s world goes black and you can already see the rest of the energy of today draining from his body.

“keep your hands up by your head. you’re staying still until i say so, okay?”

“mhmm” is izzy’s only response. you smile, kissing down his chest, making sure to pay attention to those pretty tits of his. he lets out a whine, fingers flexing like he wants to move them, but he keeps still for you. he wants to be good for you.

you get down to where his cock is hard and leaking against the little trail of hair he has on his abdomen. you take izzy in your hand, straddling his lower thighs and watching as his muscles strain and flex as he struggles to stay still for you.

“how you feeling, honey? okay?”

“good.. feel so good..” you smile, watching as his cheeks heat up to a pretty shade of red that creeps under the blindfold. precum leaks into your hand as you pump him faster, izzy’s mouth dropping open in a drawn out groan when you bring your hand up to rub your palm along the head. he’s not lasting long tonight, and you’re gonna let him have this. he needs this. where all he can feel is you. nothing around him except the feeling of white hot pleasure.

“gonna cum for me? look so pretty like this.. all laid out for me. wanna see you cum into my hand. can you do that for me?”

“yes..! yes. gonna cum…oh fuck… oh oh oh!” izzy’s knees draw up, fingers clenched in a fist as he spills into your hand. you watch as his abs tense, and then relax as he comes back down to earth, feeling nothing except you around him. you give him slow strokes as his breathing evens and he starts to squirm with overstimulation. it’s not that type of night. you remove your hand from him to bring it down and rub circles on his thigh, soothing him.

“gonna take the blindfold off now, okay?” izzy nods as you lift it off of him, blinking and taking in the sight of you. you look at him and smile before giving him a deep kiss, and then get up to go fetch a towel to get him cleaned up.

when you come back, izzy is already asleep. his breathing is soft and slow, mouth slightly ajar and you could cry at how beautiful he looks. wiping him down, you throw the cloth into the laundry basket in the corner and snuggle up to izzy’s chest. kissing him on the cheek before you fall asleep yourself.

—

WHEEWWW. okay i’m not sure about this one😭but i hope you enjoyed it.

#guns n roses #gnr #izzy stradlin #asks and replies #steven adler #axl rose #slash #duff mckagan

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cmkren · 2 years ago

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“You say I want to be Your Girlfriend! It wasn’t really in my plans…”

— girlfriend; Hemlocke Springs

;Usagi Yuzuha x Fem! Reader hcs

Usagi relationship headcanons where you two are both silly and goofy— that’s it, that’s the post. Basically how you two get together! Romance blossoming in the Borderlands, what a strange turn of events…

a/n; i am coping rn cause i have a maths chapter test in like 9 hours and i am not prepared im so bad at math. Anyways this is just gonna be some fluff. ♥️♥️♥️ very messy post because im super tired tho,,,

So… who’d be the first one to confess? 🤔

Read to find out !! 😋

Jk its kinda both of you but mainly Usagi

You two would probably meet early on, maybe in the tag game where the two of you catch each other’s eye and agree to travel together <3

You’d be there by Usagi’s side as you both live day by day, and when you find the sweaty lookin’ guy from the Tag game lying on the ground all depressed you two kind of take him in

You two mama birds just kinda adopt the guy

Usagi ends up taking care of most of the hunting while you do mostly everything else

You’re the one who tries to force feed Arisu even when he refused it

Usagi kept you from choking the poor guy.

Y’all are basically tied at the hip tho

Which also soon includes Arisu

(But you n Usagi are closer shh dont tell him that)

Things pretty much stay the same between you two until y’all arrive at The Beach (cue thunder strike)

With this whole sort of place that seems like it was capable of running actual electricity and shit you wanted to do smth special!!

“Do you think we can use their kitchen?!”

“Y/N we’re literally duct taped to chairs right now.”

“She’s got a point though Usagi— I’m kinda craving like… cookies.”

That was the small talk the three of you had before the whole dramatic intro of the Beach and its top goobers

After that whole shenanigan, you and Usagi insist on sharing the same room

It was just a lot more comfortable for the two of you

This place gave you the creeps ngl

That meant a lot of late night talks

Well, as many as y’all got before shit hit the fan again

You two always talked about what you’d do when you finally get to leave. Visit each other every day, maybe even get a place together? Usagi couldn’t bare to live in her old place ever since her father disappeared

You knew everything about that as well

Just from the few months you two shared together, you guys knew a lot about each other

You even promised her that you’d help her get back into climbing

Maybe indoor climbing first for you though

The more you two spent time with one another though, the more the two of you caught yourself… lingering

Whether it be longing looks or touches, it’d always be done subconsciously and end up with someone a little flustered

Arisu caught on though and asked wtf was going on

You, of course, blew him off

After the hearts game though, you two immediately ran for each other

Both battered and bruised, you clung to her as she scanned you over for anything that might have been fatal

Usagi cries out in relief to see that you’re okay

“Where were you? Where were you? What would I do with myself if I lost you too? What would I do? I can’t lose a person I love—”

That made you sit up.

“You— you love me?”

Usagi couldn’t help but let out a choked smile to see that incredulous expression on your face

Well she can’t really deny it, can she?

You could only hug her tighter with tears welling in your eyes, the pain of everyone that’d been slaughtered would only remain in all of you forever but maybe the seeds of healing had already been planted for you two as you pressed a kiss against her cheek

You two were peas in a pod.

You protected those you loved, worked together to achieve your goals

And when Usagi struggled to understand why going back to the real world would be any better than the world they were forced to fight to live in, you couldn’t understand

But you tried to

The strong woman you’d grown so used to seeing so level headed hid in your arms as she held back tears

Listening to every pained doubt, choked out words

You were there for her

And no doubt, she’d hold you taut against her whenever you needed it too.

You helped Usagi get over her doubts and fears of returning to the living world, ensuring her that she wouldn’t be alone in dealing with her troubles

And that— not if— but when you two return, you’ll celebrate like you’ve never before

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whereserpentswalk · 1 year ago

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Thanks so much for your comments on that post about mental health and everything going on politically in the world rn. I’m a Jewish trans man and ive been active in my community and reaching out to my representatives and stuff but I’ve been nearly suicidal because of all the posts and such about “looking away” being a “privilege.” I can’t protest because I’m disabled and it’s hard to not feel immensely guilty. It’s nice to see sympathy. Thank you.

Your welcome. Whatever you're doing right now is enough. You're not a bad person for doing things to care for yourself. You don't owe the world anything that will harm you. You're already doing more for the world then most people just from what you're doing now.

When people morally condemn you for something they refer to as a privilege it shows that they don't understand what privilege means in a leftist context. Food and shelter are privileges under our current system, but you aren't a bad person for having those. Taking care of your mental health is the same, you aren't a bad person for doing it.

You deserve to be happy, to not feel suicidal, and to feel like a good person. If you're struggling to save yourself, you aren't held responsible for saving everyone else.

I hope you're doing ok now.

#activism #praxis #leftism #mental health #burnout #tw scuicidal thoughts

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nonbinarydeity · 2 years ago

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Your posts have been really helping me to stay sane and not overthink shit. Lol. Just to tell you my recent experience, I realized I wasn’t getting what I deserved. I felt like I was putting in my effort 100 percent into things like jobs and people while others were giving me just partial. I realized when you lock in your heart and soul and energy into something like law of assumption, magical stuff happens.

Just to give a example: I work at a call center sales job. For three years, it did decent. It pay the bills even in a Covid economy. But things changed. In the job, there’s a layered system that just kept breaking down and they only put in patch jobs to fix it. Soon enough, it broke and now we fending for ourselves. All of that, unrealistic expectations, and other things put my mental health at its worst. No wonder I wasn’t manifesting sales. I can’t be who i am not. I’m not a seller. Too damn introverted for that.

Once i put the motion in that I have a new job that pays higher and is more mentally healthy and is remote and all the good stuff I was looking for, holy shit. Things from the 4d are going into the 3d way faster than I thought. I have faith everything is working out and I’m already at my new job.

I found out too along with the fact I deserve better and making that assumption, old stories have been breaking. It brought new revelations and some new truths I wasn’t so happy about but I understood. I’m living the chapter in my life with the full assumption that I’m a wonderful person who deserves the best no matter what. I’m putting my heart and soul and energy into that mindset more from now on.

(On another note. Quinne, I’m sorry if I sent you any sad and triggering messages before. I was going through a hard time and my mental health took a hit. I went to my doctor for it and getting treated. I just felt like I needed comfort and I didn’t know what to do at the time. Thanks for not judging me.)

Hey, don't worry about it! I know how bad mental health can get, and ofc I'd never judge you for needing some reassurance. I'm sorry if I didn't answer any of them, sometimes I struggle too and I don't want anyone else to be triggered yk 😭💕

I'm really glad that you're moving forward in your journey and in life!!

These are the sorts of asks I live for tbh. As someone who has an understanding of how this works, but hasn't quite gotten to the point of it being easy (I'm working on that assumption rn 😭), knowing that things can change for the better is always so motivating!

I'm also really glad that you're doing better now, even if it's still a little shaky! Healing takes time, especially if you were in a really bad place before. Just take it easy and let yourself rest if needed, no shame in that 🪻💟

Also I just want to say, YES, you are a wonderful person who deserves the world 100% Never think any different, and that goes for EVERYBODY. Just being alive means you deserve the best ☺️💕

#answered asks #master manifestor #law of assumption #manifestation

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devilsskettle · 5 months ago

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okay i do think i need to start getting serious about getting tested for adhd soon <- been an active conversation since i was 8 years old + my mom only got diagnosed with adhd after i told her i thought i might have adhd in high school so she started looking into it more in an adult context but she was talking to my teachers and doctors about it since elementary school and nobody ever fucking helped me and based on her experience with the diagnosis process i don’t fucking trust any of these fucking doctors it seems like they actively want you to struggle as much as possible to even humor the tiny tiny tiny possibility that your suspicions of adhd symptoms could maybe have some basis and i honestly can’t think about having a doctors appointment without imagining chewing out some poor random doctor for everything about this process that i’m mad about that i will definitely project onto them which may or may not be fair but will not be helpful for me to do lol but it took me almost 10 years to finally go to a doctor and be like hey i think i am severely depressed and have been for a long time and i literally never went back to my pcp because of how dismissive she was of my experience when i asked her about adjusting my medication and that’s one of the “easy” mental illnesses to have hahaha and now i’m scared they’re going to use my depression as leverage that since poor concentration is a depressive symptom that might rule out adhd and like there is some possible overlap with symptoms but for a while i’ve been like well i think there is more at play here actually, i feel like i’m having some other problems that aren’t really depressive symptoms and i’ve even had suspicions that i could be bipolar because i have some stretches of time when i have more energy and can be a lot more. well. hyperactive. hmmmm. and i’m always like could this be mania? i don’t think it’s severe enough to be mania tbh but could it be hypomania? or is this normal? tbh it doesn’t seem normal either but have i been depressed so long that i don’t know what normal is? but if that IS part of my baseline and i am hyperactive sometimes because i have a disorder with “hyperactivity” in the name then that would actually make a lot more sense not to mention problems with executive function, bad grades, obsessive focus on whatever thing i’m into at any given moment, time management problems, racing thoughts, chronic boredom and understimulation. and look i know it’s trendy rn and i know that they could easily see me as a drug seeker especially because if i were to be diagnosed i would want to be medicated (i wish i was still medicated for my depression tbh but again i dropped my pcp 2 years ago and never looked back so i ran out of antidepressants ages ago. rip) but i think its unfair to use that against people who just want to be able to be on the same level of adult functioning as everybody else because i cannot keep up with basic household tasks and work full time and be in school part time (i’m not even in classes rn because it’s the summer and there’s no way i could be in this program if it weren’t offered online and even then i absolutely did fail a class last semester and i’m still waiting to see what the consequences of that are gonna be. hehehe.) but like the state of my room is appalling, mainly exacerbated by my laundry situation in that i never fully put it away AND i think there’s something wrong with our dryer, i always just get random “groceries” like quick meals and snacks from fucking cvs because it’s too expensive to get real groceries delivered especially since when am i going to actually cook???? our kitchen isn’t huge anyway but i definitely don’t have the kind of energy i need to cook AND do the dishes which i am so bad at doing that i have stopped using dishes, i will use a paper towel or i will buy stuff that is already in a container so i don’t have to dirty any more dishes. which is why i have no dishes in our sink rn or for the past couple of months JUST FOR THE RECORD but its not because i’m a paragon of cleanliness and maturity lol

obligatory paragraph change because of the character limit!! i have had to be given multiple “verbal warnings” at work for frequent enough tardiness that it was noticeable and on one hand it’s like lol a verbal warning. okay i am shaking in my boots but it’s also just another mark against me in the opinions of the people making decisions about who might get promoted or not and i don’t have a great “escape plan” from this current job especially since i don’t know where my future will lie academically with my current grades and that was like. my whole plan to have a better career trajectory lmao so another option could be 1) apply to be a supervisor in my current department if a position ever opens up? <- won’t happen because they think i’m “timid and shy” and consistently late and don’t like me or think of me in any position of authority even though i know everything there is to know about my current department other than like. ordering stuff for the store and how to close the cash drawer at the end of the day which supervisors and managers do. 2) apply for a job in a different department <- also won’t happen because a lot of positions require a drivers license for no apparent reason and they’re super weird sometimes about hiring internally and as we established they don’t like me or see me in any other role despite consistently, i believe, demonstrating my competence. we have performance reviews coming up this month and i am basically ready to jump off a bridge anticipating bad feedback for stupid reasons. but my manager said good things last time so maybe i can start saving some evidence of good feedback to whip out if i ever do apply for anything internally. even making the switch from part time to full time in the same role same department same everything was like a truly painful and humiliating experience i am not prepared to do all that again hahaha. anyway. ummmm all that is to say that i do think there are some behavioral problems i have that could be symptoms of adhd that are negatively impacting my life in a significant way. but w/e idk what doctor will ever listen to me because i’m so “timid and shy” <- said this twice in quotes because that’s a real thing the guy from hr said to me when i first applied to switch to full time and i did give him pushback on that in the interview but like that’s how people see me because i have a naturally soft speaking voice and i don’t say everything that i think all the time and don’t need to be the center of attention constantly or beg for other people’s approval and i mind my own business!! i’m in guest services i’m literally not too timid to talk to people lmao and the coworkers i like i can be very chatty with. he said this after meeting me twice for 5 minutes in a role i wasn’t usually scheduled in at the time and all of my performance feedback was based off of that. sigh. one of my coworkers who is this sweet older lady calls him “the rat” and literally hates everyone in hr so much hahaha it’s honestly so validating to me. anyway they don’t diagnose quiet girls with adhd but luckily i’m not successful like my mom was so i have a lot more “evidence” that this could be a real problem than she did and she was still definitively and emphatically diagnosed with adhd by a specialist who did NOT want to diagnose her with adhd and told her as much. so maybe they’ll see it as something real that they should really consider and give me a real solution for but i don’t trust that they will at all tbqh the process that my mom went through seems like my personal hell of paperwork and doctors appointments and talking about your feelings and your failures and having a series of people dismiss you and actively work against you to get anything productive done. AAAAAA but i do feel like i need to do it if i want to stop wasting my life and try to get on the right track again and if they really really really tell me i’m wrong and that i don’t have adhd then i will listen as long as they give me some next steps to help me figure out what the actual problem is then. tbh though like i said

another obligatory paragraph break!! i’ve considered other possibilities and part of the diagnosis process is ruling out any other possible underlying causes but before typing the word “hyperactive” about how i sometimes get a burst of energy for a couple days like that, i did not even make a connection between when i wondered if i could be manic/hypomanic vs whether that could be adhd hyperactivity unhampered by depressive gloom. like i kind of want to pull my hair out in frustration feeling kind of dumb that i considered mania before i considered the hyperactivity disorder hahahaha but anyway. i will send some emails tomorrow morning, my mom (unprompted by me) sent me an email with a bunch of resources to get tested lmao and since she has already gone through it i feel like i can at least see what happens and my process will probably be a lot easier than hers for a LOT of reasons (childhood history + testimony from people who have known me from my childhood to now, family history obviously, demonstrable evidence of adverse effects on my life and general adult functioning) so i should at least try before i really fucking lose my mind or fuck up my life any more than i already have lol

#long stream of consciousness vent post because i’m still so Awake rn #and also i thought about a hypothetical future scenario too hard and pissed myself off thinking about it so. rip.

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