#i’m gonna need people to stop expecting me to censor myself because they struggle to handle their own anxieties and mental health

[stonesandswords]

.

[wtf-todoroki-shouto]

Shouto memories

Misc. tidbits:

-After the Sports Festival Mineta was expelled

-Aizawa was my favorite teacher

-I was super thankful when we moved to the dorms

-I began showing my quirk pretty early in comparison to most

-I was super duper gay

Memories about my classmates and friends:

Shinsou:

-Shinsou and I became friends after the Sports Festival

-I personally talked to Aizawa about trying to get him into the hero course (I think)

-Shinsou had a cat named Soup (in English)

-Shinsou had been adopted by Aizawa and Hizashi

-Shinsou and I were known to accidentally fall asleep in the middle of doing things like studying around campus

-After moving to the dorms Shinsou and I got permission to leave campus one weekend and he took me to a cat cafe he knew for my first time and I was so happy

-He and I related to struggling with people's’ expectations and our relationships with our quirks

-Shinsou actually could use his mind control quirk to help people calm down from panic attacks (I know from personal experience)

-Shinsou got migraines from overusing his quirk sometimes so he kept his room pretty dark a lot of the time

Izuku:

-I never really became friends with Izuku because of what happened at the Sports Festival and how much it sorta hurt me as good as his intentions may have been.

Denki:

-Denki had hair that was irrationally soft and shiny and nice

-I thought Denki was really cool because of how his quirk would work with my ice consider water is a conductor and he was like an irl version of Thor, my favorite avenger

-Denki and I started hanging out after the sports festival I helped him come up with ways to keep from overusing his quirk so often and helped him study

-He was actually really friendly and nice to be around

-it was after the cavalry match at the sports festival that Denki like gave me a big ass fucking hug that was really tight. It was a nice hug but I was like what the fuck is happen what the fuck is happening what is wrong with you, there were a good few seconds that I just froze up not knowing what to do. When I got ahold of myself I awkwardly pushed him off. When he let go and saw me he looked instantly guilty and apologized and he actually sorta realized I didn’t like being touched (I informed him it was usually only when I didn’t see it coming ahead of time and couldn’t prevent it if necessary that I didn’t like it) and he actually made a big effort to be better and it was really nice!

Iida:

-Iida and I started hanging out more after the Sports Festival

-Mainly we were training when we first started spending time together

-I think during our first training session he noticed how harder than necessary or maybe healthy I was pushing myself (to me it was normal after all the training with Endeavor) but I noticed from him giving me an odd glance or something so I made sure to change my behavior before he became too suspicious

-At one point or another during one of the first few training sessions he inquired about my not using my left side I gave him a mostly censored answer leaving out the abuse and replacing it with extra loathing of my father and what happened with my mom.

-At first when I met Kirishima I was really off put by his red hair despite how nice he seemed aside from that. But that started changing after I began noticing that his hair was definitely dyed and eventually found out about his favorite hero when they had been picking their names for the internships. Honestly after that it was a little endearing. He and I weren’t close friends I don’t think but I stopped being uncomfortable around him.

Bakugou:

-Bakugou Katsuki. I knew I shouldn’t feel the way I did about him pretty quickly. It wasn’t immediate but after the first week or so I definitely began realizing I liked him more than I should’ve. Something about him, I didn’t know what really, drew me too him I guess. I chalked it up to the fact that he was really handsome at first and as the weeks progressed I also added the skill and creativity with which he used his quirk, his surprising intelligence, his drive, and his work ethic to the reasons but well I did at that point realize that maybe it wasn’t as simple as I wanted it to be. But I didn’t know what to do with that so I ignored it. The truth of the matter was that I had a crush on him. But I’d never had one before so I didn’t know.

-Bakugou and I were both insomniacs and we both ended up starting to be friends at ass o’clock am because of that

-One night, I was fucking exhausted, hadn’t slept well in days actually and it was late as hell. I was sleep deprived enough to actually like talk properly, because i was generally really quiet and reserved. Bakugou ran into me some time after the sports festival. I’m not sure why but it just came out. I told him about how I hated using my flames in any circumstance. I hated that I used them in my match with Izuku but my only reason for doing so was that as he kept talking at some point I stopped seeing Izuku and saw my dad. And I only ever used them against him and that was because he forced me. That side of me was him, especially since the incident with my mother. And I hated it. Honestly, I would’ve gotten rid of it if I could. I half considered bleaching my hair a few times but i knew my father wouldn’t allow it. Even after the match I felt disgusted for having used it, not to mention that I’d made my father proud. That was almost the worst part of it. His fucking pride. The idea that was I was being what he fucking wanted. But A part of me wanted to use my left side in our match I don’t know. Something in that match made me think maybe I could or that I should anyways. So I tried but I. I couldn’t do it.

He didn’t know how the fuck to respond to that, so he was quiet for a bit before saying something about me needing to get some fucking sleep or something.

-Then it was a decent bit of time later, I’d say at least a week, when it was the middle of the night and I was hangin around the same area I had been before. I usually would hang out somewhere around there when I was able unless I didn’t feel like being outside. (I think it was outside but like only just outside the dorms) Anyways it was around then and when he ran into me again. I’m honestly not sure if it was an accident or not but I think he made some snarky comment about finding me in the exact same spot as before. I’m pretty sure he sat down next to me and didn’t say anything for while. But when he did speak well I’m not gonna pretend I remember word for word but it was a little something like this:

“Not using your flames your because of your father is fucking stupid. (I think I half choked hearing that or at least was caught off guard) You say you don’t want to because you don’t want to be controlled by him anymore, but how the fuck is that any different than using it to appease him? Sure, you might not be following his orders anymore but you’re still letting him control your god damned actions. If you use it it’s because of him, if you don’t it’s because of him. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions already. You’re not some mindless extension of your dad. Fucking hell. You act like you’re being rebellious or noble by refusing to use your left side but what you really are is scared. You’re still letting him dictate how you fucking act. And what in order for you to fucking “atone” for shit you didn’t even fucking do have to fucking do everything short of literally denying half of your existence and hating that part of yourself because it’s “his”. (I think you stood up then) last time I checked you aren’t some dumbass Frankenstein of your mom or your dad. You’re your own damn person. So why don’t you start fucking acting like it.”

Then he left.

And that was a large part of what pushed us to start becoming friends and me to start using my left side.

-I think I might’ve asked Bakugou to train with me or some shit or whatever i just know he helped me work through the shit with my flames and it was probably in the middle of the night

-by a certain time after internships? I don’t know exactly when but we’d been living in the dorms for a good while I was in deep with my feelings in regards to a certain explosive hero, and specifically though they began developing more after the sports festival. they are as follows:

I really thought he had pretty eyes, beyond their color they were very expressive.

Then there was his drive. He was the kind of guy who would keep at a thing for as long as it took for you to actually fucking do it you were persistent.

He was honest and while he may have seemed arrogant (and sometimes he was) he did take moments to recognize others strengths as he did with Uraraka

He wanted to succeed, yes, but he felt that success was only worthwhile if his piers were also at their best therefore he was driven to give people a nudge in the right direction

He was really well rounded

He was smart, creative in his use of his quirk, snarky, strategic, passionate, he also took no shit

He could cook and play the drums

And he didn’t like to admit it always but he was a really nice and a loving individual who looks out for the people he cares about also who is funny and genuinely nice to talk to no matter what the subject is

He really was an equal to me back then though if I’m honest in a lot of ways when we were younger at least I saw him as ahead of me in a lot of ways

-I don’t have any context for when this happened but I had my face all snuggled up to Bakugou’s stomach and I think my arms were around him.

-I’m like 62-75% sure bakugou kissed me once when we were older... like still in school but like older then we are in the show... maybe more than 62-75% sure

-Once Bakugou and I were like doing whatever the fuck it was we did at night in front of the dorms (training? Sparring? Fucking talking? Me fuckingh getting used to my fire idk some of everything I’m sure) he got suspicious of the severity of shit with Endeavor and let’s just say I accidentally ended up freezing his hand to my arm.

Mei Hatsume:

-I think Mei hatsume and I were in her like workstation somewhere and I was talking to her about how I analyzed and thought about everyone’s quirk like a long range speaker and mic would be helpful for Shinsou along with voice modulation to help him disguise his voice to help him as a pro hero when his quirk became more well known if it did and even if not it could help and some other stuff about other people and stuff and she ended up making some off handed comment about that I would’ve been good in the support course and she was probably right but it was odd to hear someone tell me I would’ve been good at something other than being a pro hero and in a way it was nice

Misc. friends:

-I remember I think one of my classmates was like shocked when I had never tried hot coco before, so they made it for me and insisted I try it. I was hesitant when I could feel the warmth through the cup but they pressed me too anyhow. And I did. Then I immediately spat it back out because That Was Warm Ah I Do Not Like That.

Basically after the Kettle Incident I didn’t like most warm liquids much at all.

Arc specific memories:

Sports festival:

-My match with Midoriya Izuku during the Sports Festival Was tactically similar but the emotions and impact it made on me were wildly different from that of the show. The way Izuku badgered me to use my left side reminded me of how Endeavor would get during our training sessions when I had the nerve to refuse to use it

When I used my flames against Izuku, it was like any other time Endeavor had forced me to use them during training, or it almost was anyways. There was less fear and more irritation and hurt. So in a way I sorta did it out of spite.

Like, if Izuku really wanted me to go full throttle, if he was going to look down on me for refusing to use his left side, even after I’d opened up to him about my reasons, then fine, I’d give him what he fucking wanted if he really wanted it that damn much. Yeah Izuku thought I was being disrespectful to the other participants and arrogant, and maybe he was right, but that didn’t really matter to me at the time.

I had some anger issues back then and I’m not afraid to admit it. And he made me really angry, hence my excessive force. He just sounded so much like my father and he was an outsider. And I think it sorta reinforced the idea to me that telling anyone about what he did was entirely pointless.

Afterwards it was genuinely surprising to learn that Endeavor hadn’t paid Izuku to say those things, because I’d sorta hoped that was the case partially. I wouldn’t have put it past him.

Internship arc:

-I did not go to intern with my father by choice, the reason I gave in the show was an excuse and something I told myself to make the whole thing easier. Endeavor had been furious about my performance in my match with Bakugou and he made that very very clear through both words and some harsh “training” and also made it crystal clear that I was to intern at his agency and that I would be under him directly

-The reason I responded to Izukus message about the situation with Stain in that ally was to get away from Endeavor, and I ran away before Endeavor could stop me thank god. But that fight in the alley where Stain nearly took off my arm marked the first time Iida saved my fucking ass and probably life. (of course I also went out of concern and curiosity)

Homelife/family related memories:

General:

-I was able to push my father more when we were in public which is why I was more freely bratty at UA, because I knew he couldn’t do anything serious without revealing he was abusive and ruining his reputation.

-When I angered him at home, it was terrifying. Most of the times I did it was an accident, or because I couldn’t bare the idea of using my flames at the time. Or I lost my own temper, but that was rare. On those occasions Endeavor was more terrifying than ever. The blows and the fire seemed to never stop coming. There was only so much I could do to shield myself from it without making anything worse than it already was. Most times when this happened I ended up passing out at some point.... and there were honestly a few times under five, I’d say probably three or four, when I was genuinely surprised that I woke up again afterwards.

Pre-UA specific:

-my father hired tutors for my education instead of sending me to school so I was very isolated growing up hence my less than good social skills

-I think I started training when I was around four or five. He wanted to start young to train me condition me not to flinch when someone made a move to hit me not cry when I was hurt not to let exhaustion not slow me down to not scream not run not puke not panic in combat. Making me get up when I was hurt giving me no choice but to keep going because it wasn’t going to stop. The training with my quirk (when he started using his in training as well) didn’t start for a year or so after my mom gave me the scar. That.. made things much worse. That training left me with scars, some pretty big, all that I could cover with my shirt. I began getting less as I got older.

[jadelyn]

No one is entitled to anyone else's success story

A lot of the "tumblr is anti-recovery" panic and moralizing is based around the idea that it's "dangerous" to younger people with MIs/chronic illness to see all us Bitter Old Crazies making jokes about NT Advice(tm) and acting like we're never gonna get better. And tbh it strikes me as similar to the recent moral panic about adult or triggering content in fandom spaces. Think of The Children! they cry. You're Being a Bad Influence!

But here's the thing. Nobody is entitled to someone else's success story. Kids with MIs do not have some kind of right to see adults with MIs successfully coping, and in the inverse, it's not our responsibility to hide our unsuccessful coping away from where impressionable kiddos might see it and be discouraged by it.

First of all, not everyone has a success story. Not everyone gets better. People might be able to improve, or they might not. And by classifying people who acknowledge their circumstances as being the best they're likely to get as "anti-recovery", you're literally trying to silence mentally ill people from talking about their own lives and experiences, just because you don't like to hear about it.

But even for those of us who do have success stories - like, I'm one of those. I dropped out of college and spent the first 10 years of my adult life living with partners and family, relying on others, driving a 20-year-old clunker of a car which I literally had to duct-tape pieces back onto sometimes, trying to work retail and temp jobs to get by when I could, but I never could hold anything down very long. About 5 years ago, I finally got treatment - meds, specifically, bc I'd had on and off therapy that only helped a little bit - for my depression. As of this year, I have graduated college with a 4-year degree, bought a newish car (10 yrs old sports car in good condition), held down a single job in my desired career field for almost 4 years, and I bought a house with my partner earlier this year. You couldn't ask for a more solid recovery story than that.

But, and this is key: I don't owe anyone the inspiration of my story. Existing in public as an adult who's turned my life around despite severe chronic mental illness doesn't obligate me to serve as a good example or role model to others with MIs. I often choose to take on that role, but it's a choice, and if I chose instead to keep it to myself, or to publicly vent my bitterness over the decade of life I've lost because of my illness, or vent my frustration with the useless NT advice I tried to follow and use to "fix" myself (to no avail) before finally getting proper treatment, then that's my right. This is my blog, my space, I'll tag things appropriately but I refuse to censor myself from talking about the reality of my mental illness, and if you don't wanna hear my negativity you know where to find the unfollow button.

And in fact, the responsibility in this situation lies not with the people talking, but with the people listening.

When I was in college and for a bit thereafter, I was part of a depression and mental illness forum. I don't remember the name of it anymore, but I spent time on it then like I spend time on Tumblr now. Talking with people, posting and replying. And a lot of it, as one might expect for a gathering of people with depression of varying degrees of severity and treatment resistance, was really negative.

And that was a space that helped and supported me for a good number of years. I could open up about my suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm. I could receive caring and understanding from people who were like me, who never made me roll my eyes with Pollyanna-ish platitudes or offered empty sentiment to inspire "hope". If I felt hopeless, I could just fucking say that, could act like it. I didn't have to perform positivity for anyone or hide my struggles.

But there came a time, eventually, when I began to find the level of negativity to be harmful for me rather than helpful. I had changed, and I needed something different.

So you know what I did?

I didn't go around the forum and start telling people they were being too negative.

I didn't try to force people to perform hopefulness and positivity because it would be more beneficial for me personally.

I didn't scold people or accuse them of hindering my recovery.

I

Fucking

Left.

I left that forum. I said goodbye to my friends, gave people my offsite contact information, and I stopped visiting that forum altogether. Because I had reached a point in my recovery where that environment had gone from helpful to harmful, for me personally. So I took responsibility for my own recovery and my own progress, and I made the decision to move on and find the kind of environment that would be good for me at that point.

It's not quite so neat and discrete here on Tumblr, since so many people have personal blogs and reblog a variety of types of content, sometimes adding their contribution, sometimes not. Unless you strictly and only follow topic-specific blogs, you'll be exposed sometimes to things you didn't quite sign up for.

But even here, you're still responsible for you user experience. You have tools you can use. Blacklist certain tags or phrases or topics. Unfollow or block specific individuals. Do what you need to do, in order to create an environment on your dash that is healthy for you and meets your needs.

And that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yours. Not mine, not anyone else's. We are not responsible for creating an environment that meets your mental health needs. We are individuals who are allowed to talk shit and piss and moan about our lives on our own goddamn blogs if we want to. Which includes making morbid jokes, mocking shitty advice that we've received from NT people that was anywhere from useless to actively harmful, talking openly about our limitations, being honest about our hopes for recovery or lack thereof, and complaining about the relentless positivity that demands we continue to aspire to a NT model of Recovery(tm) even when we know damn well that's not a possibility for us.

You're not entitled to anyone else's success story for inspiration. If you want to hear success stories and positivity, find people who post that stuff and leave us Bitter Old Crazies the fuck alone.