#like it’s fair and valid that you’re experiencing the guilt and anxiety that you are | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rpbetter · 3 years ago

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Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #long post #drama cw #rp harassment #callout culture

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caligobeltrao · 4 years ago

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Norman Bates NSFW Alphabet

Little preface, this would be a while into being intimate, because frankly, I hc that Norman would have extreme anxiety on top of all of the other issues that he has with sex. To be fair, these issues would still crop up (ie having to stop in the middle due to a panic attack, something something “mother” something, etc.).

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Uh... literal king of aftercare. He is such a nuturing person that, even in the literal most vanilla circumstances, he would wanna make sure you’re okay, nothing hurts, if it does how he can help, do you want a bath? he’ll run you a bath. He does prefer you like actually tell him what you want though, and he thrives off routine, so if it seems like each time you say “bath, snacks, cuddles” that’s what he’ll do until told otherwise. Literally tell him to calm down and relax please.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

I don’t think he likes his body very much. If pushed, he’d probably say hands tho. It’s also hard to pin down for his partner because like... they’re perfect??? How could you pick??? Again, if pushed, he’d probably say their eyes. He’s a sap. :’-)

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

OH my god, he hates cum. It’s messy and sticky and gross. If you also have a dick, he would really prefer you both wear condoms to try and negate as much of the mess as possible lmao. Either way, whatever genitals you have, he’s changing the sheets asap.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has watched and really enjoyed watching you touch yourself without you knowing. Or, well, he thinks without you knowing. He was so ashamed and never wants to tell you, but somehow, he keeps happening to walk by your shared bedroom door slightly cracked with you touching yourself, moaning his name.... Weird how that works.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

None. Pretty sure he’s never even jacked off.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

Missionary. Basic, but he really loves to be as close as physically possible and look into your eyes.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

He’s more on the serious side, but you could probably get him to smile and loosen up from time to time.

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He would’ve kept everything tidy but not super groomed, but as soon as you guys get comfortable, he wants your direction on that. He has no true preference so he would rather you tell him what to do. He’s such a sub.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.)

Again, he prefers holding you super close, all the sweet nothings, definitely one to say I love you as he cums. He also likes setting up sweet surprises, like a nice bath for you to relax in or a meal to come home to.

J = Jack off (Masturbation Headcanon)

Before you, he probably just... didn’t. Again, it’s super messy and he has some issues, so it’s not super high on his list. Even with you he doesn’t unless you ask for him to so you can watch. Super enjoyable on both ends.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Praise kink praise kink praise kink please tell him he’s doing good he craves Validation. He also really likes giving validation, so it’s a two way street. Also definite voyeur kink.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Bedroom, preferably in the motel. I’m sure you could easily convince him to do it in other places, but the poor baby would be so nervous the entire time that it wouldn’t be very enjoyable.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

To be completely sappy for a moment: you. You protect him and love him and care for him that his heart overflows with love and words fail and the only way he can even try to show you how much he appreciates and cares for you is by making you feel good, if that’s what you wanted.

To be less sappy: well timed compliments, casual touching of his back or arm, being generally affectionate, doing something for him, etc.

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He doesn’t want anything to do with knife play or hurting you, if only out of the worry that Mother might show up. For the most part, though, you could really convince him to try anything because he wants to please you. Just make sure you get really good at reading him first so you know when he’s pushing himself instead of setting boundaries like he should.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Giving 110%. He gets really tense recieving because he would worry about you or think you’re getting hurt or bored, but he would gladly die giving you head. Not great at first (really timid, and again for people with dicks, his gag reflex is kinda strong), but once you give him a little instruction, and with all the practice he happily puts in, he would be really good.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

While he’s definitely increased in speed since the beginning, he still prefers slow and sweet. Fast and rough is just an accident waiting to happen and he doesn’t want you hurt. Now, if you happen to get on top and control the speed yourself, he gets really into it, he’s just a little too in his own head to initiate that himself.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Doesn’t care for them. Most of his ideas of sex and physical intimacy revolve around pleasing you and making you feel good, and he would prefer taking time with that.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

I feel like a broken record, but if you asked, he would do nearly anything you wanted. He would rarely if ever offer up something to

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

Probably could only go for one, maybe two rounds max himself, but again, he really loves giving head. Lasts for a decent amount of time and prefers having you tell him when he’s allowed to cum.

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He wouldn’t, but wouldn’t be opposed to using them. He would mostly think in context for you, but would be on board with trying them himself at your suggestion.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

He doesn’t tease at all really, just moves at a slower pace. He’d have a fairly good idea of when he needs to go faster or do something to make you feel good, so it would never be drawn out on his end. However... edge this man. Tease him.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

I hc him to be just so loud. He definitely doesn’t want to be and he tries to hold it in, but when you get really into it he gets loud without realizing it. Voice cracking, keens and whiny moans. Very good shit.

W = Wild Card (A random headcanon for the character)

You would have to have a talk about him setting his own boundaries and sticking to them. Like, he wants you to be happy, which is sweet, but he’ll take it too far and put himself in uncomfortable positions or work himself too hard. In the end, the phrasing that would get through to him would be something along the lines of “I know you want me to be happy, and you actively making yourself hurt or uncomfortable or anxious because I want to do something makes me very unhappy.” That lesson would still take a hot minute to sink in tho. :/

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Little longer than average but on the thinner side.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Pretty low. Also probably why he prefers giving head. Gets you off and he doesn’t have to try and get it up if he doesn’t feel in the mood.

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Not quickly at all. He probably still, even after being intimate with you for a while, has shocks of anxiety and guilt running through him after sex. He would tell you it’s because he wants to make sure you fall asleep first, but he’d probably be awake for a long while afterward, if he sleeps at all that night. Though, to him, it could be a plus because he could cuddle you or get more work done at night.

#norman bates x reader #norman bates #norman bates x you #psycho 1960 #slasher x reader #lemon

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quarantinebreakup412081121 · 4 years ago

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Day 273 - “Hey so I’m garbage”

“Hey so I’m garbage

I’m talking to someone didn’t know how to bring it up and/or wanted to wait until holidays were over but then I would ruin your damn year already if I wait so fuck it. I’m sorry, could have handled it way better but I guess that’s just classic ------”

That’s the message I received last night.

That’s the message I received after he apologized 5 weeks ago and said that he handled ending things with us poorly and that I deserved better and even during the years we were together that I deserved better. “You meant a lot to me, maybe I wasn’t the best at articulating that or showing it but you’re really all I had. A job and you, unfortunately I focused more on the job and im sorry for that” were his actual words.

He also hit me with the “you’re an amazing person... and you deserve someone that will smother you in the affection and attention you deserve. I’m the one that failed you.”

He said he had a lot of things to work on.

Well he has apparently miraculously fixed all of the issues he had within 5 weeks because he’s dating someone new. So all of the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t do for or with me-- and the basic boyfriend-in-a-relationship things that he fought against doing constantly- I guess those have magically sorted and he’s ready to move on.

That’s sarcasm and very unlikely- but what’s more realistic is that he intentionally treated me the way he did because he could. And he continued to do it because he wanted to and he knew I would pretend it was fine. And he didn’t show me respect throughout most of our relationship, and he’s continuing to treat me like that now as well. Maybe it made him feel powerful and in charge. I don’t know. I’ll never know. It sounds to me like he lied to me about everything he said in his apology and probably only brought that stuff up because he was talking to someone new and wanted to clear his conscience of whatever microscopic amount of "guilt” he was feeling.

He has done a stupendous job of finding unexpected and creative ways to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel worthless. But last night took the fucking cake. No, honestly, that even beat his “It’s not working out. We should move on.” text back in March on Day 1.

“It’s not working out. We should move on.” after 5 years and 2 months. In the months leading up to it, there was no Christmas present, no anniversary acknowledgement, no Valentine, and no idea as to why I was hurt by any of that... Then he blessed me with the breakup initiation via text.

Some people are trash and I get that. But how did I allow myself to date one of them for 5 years? Someone close to me told me that I shouldn’t let him control how I’m feeling- but that it made sense that I was feeling this way and that it’s the same way people in abusive relationships still have emotional connections to their abusers and have a hard time getting past things even though they’re in a better situation away from the abuser. That’s the closest thing I can compare this to. Don’t get it twisted-- there was never any physical abuse, but emotionally... it’s the worst I’ve ever been treated by anyone.

He’s an asshole, so of course he dropped that on me last night, when he knows I’m still celebrating and enjoying Christmas. And I was. In fact, I was enjoying it and not stressed about him at all because we’d been talking again recently and while it wasn’t with the intention of leading into another relationship- it was nice to have that gap in my heart temporarily filled during this time of year. But he couldn’t wait until January- when nothing of significance was happening, when I’d be able to take my time and process things and work my way through this heartache all over again. Nope, that fucker made sure that he hit me when and where it would hurt the absolute most. I suppose at least he didn’t do it right before actual Christmas, and he probably expects me to be grateful to him for that. Of course.

Last night when I read his messages, my entire body felt like it was on fire and my eyes started to swell up, and that sensation spread across my whole face. I was with my family so I fought to hold in the tears and sniffles. I stopped the Christmas movie that I was watching because I don’t want this to be the feeling I associate with it the next time I watch it. I put on Avengers Endgame because that’s my “make me feel better” movie. Not sure why- but it usually works, at least a little. I cried. I stared at the message and kept opening it to read it over and over again. I wondered why he wanted to do this to me now. Weren’t we trying to be civil and remain friends? Isn’t that what was happening for the last few weeks? I broke down and let it all out to a friend who was texting me to find out if I wanted to use his account to watch the new Wonder Woman movie. He was sweet and kind and tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t fix anything. I texted my best friend, even though I didn’t want to because she’s dealt with a lot lately and I didn’t want to throw a wet towel on her and her family’s happy Christmas break. But I didn’t know what else to do. I broke down and cried to my mom. I tend to avoid talking to her about things that have to do with my ex because she didn’t like him (didn’t like the way he treated me, he was condescending, and he could come off as just being downright rude a lot of the time) but I couldn’t keep it in, no matter how hard I tried. She brought up a lot of valid points and tried to make me feel better, but despite my ability to understand what she was saying and agree with her on all of it, it still didn’t do much in the way of helping how I was feeling.

I’ve never been so livid in my life. I’ve never felt so sad and angry and dejected and hurt and hopeless and betrayed all at once and I couldn’t process it; to be honest, I’m still having quite a bit of trouble with it. I went to sleep around 3am, still watching Endgame. It didn’t really help but it didn’t hurt.

I laid there for hours, not actively crying, but tears were streaming out of my eyes constantly. I had to take my hoodie off because the sleeve was soaked through. I woke up feeling like I’d fallen and hit every part of my body at once, just one huge ache. I couldn’t eat breakfast. I ran errands. We got things done, but for me it felt like 3 hours of anxiety attacks coming and going. I started to feel anxious and panicked being in stores and around people and it felt like some sort of strange sensory overload that I have never in my life experienced. I indirectly took it out on my mom a tiny bit without realizing it, and I beat myself up internally for doing that. I got home and asked my brother to make a post office run for me so I wouldn’t have to go out around people again today. I haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours. I have no desire to. I need to make myself drink some water because I don’t think I’ve had water all day either.

His message is still sitting there... showing as read but not replied to on Snapchat. I don’t know what to say or how to reply. I want to say all of the things I’ve posted on this blog over the last year... I want to yell at him and scream at him and make him understand what he’s done to me for the last year (plus 5) and make him feel some of what I’m feeling. But somehow I feel like that would just give him some strange feeling of satisfaction and he’d be content knowing that he obliterated me and he’s moving along without a second thought. It’s not fair how this is all unfolding. It hasn’t been fair for the last 6 years and it’s continuing down the same path again and I can’t take it. I just can’t.

And in reference to the first line of his message. Garbage doesn’t try to hurt you and ruin as much as it can for you then skip away like, “lol, but fuck it, that’s just classic me, rightttt??? lol haha lollllll”

Speaking of “haha” and “lol”-- I am just this second realizing that his increased usage of emojis and little fillers like “haha” and “lol” were probably things he started doing to change and improve his communication for this new girl he’s talking to, and I just got some of it because that was the default mode he was already in for her. I fucking hate him so much I don’t even have words... but maybe later tonight I will, and I’ll write another post.

#heartbreak #breakup #quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #exboyfriend #boyfriend #love #loss #grief #asshole boyfriend #anxiety #rant #quarantine #december 2020 #christmas

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snowmcid · 6 years ago

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1-38 or ur a coward

Meme || No longer accepting (CAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK) || @agirlofwinterfell

the be honest meme.

WoW Britney.

Questions under the cut.

What would prevent you from following someone?

Excess drama, reblog karma, vauge-posting, and general aggressiveness are big ones for me, but the main thing is if I like their writing style and if I can see our characters getting along.

Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

Aesthetics are kinda “meh”?? I mean, I like pretty things, but it’s a lot of effort and I’m very lazy.

What current rp trend do you hate?

Over edited icons and tiny dark themes?? That’s just a personal preference because I have poor vision and it’s hard for me see/read.

How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

hahaha I don’t. I just say I do collaborative writing as a hobby.

Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

Female muses. I love male muses, but I’ve been here so long and since I’ve only written female muses, I had to deal with that particular brand of discrimination and so every time I interact with male muses I’m still filled with this sense of anxiety.

Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

Female muses, and I guess it’s because that’s what I’m comfortable with??

What’s your opinion on call out posts?

I understand why it might be done, but at the same time I think it’s a bit unfair? No matter how good the intentions are, someone is being branded as this, that or the other thing according to a handful of people on the internet. If that information is wrong, or someone is misled - that causes a lot of heartache for the accused and I would just prefer not to be a part of it.

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

Discrimination

Mob mentality

BRITNEY SENDING ME ALL 38 QUESTIONS (no I’m kidding, ilu)

What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

I get it 100%. I get pretty attached to my partners and sometimes it gets to a point that I have a hard time writing with someone else that writes that particular muse since I already have so much history with my partner, but on the other hand, tumblr is constantly changing. People drop in and out all the time and that’s cool, so I feel like exclusivity is just a temporary thing.

Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them?

Nope.

What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

While we know that communication is integral to real life relationships, online friendships tend to require more upkeep and more effort at reaching out.

Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it?

Possibly? It was private stuff and my name was never brought up.

Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

Nah, not really.

Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person?

I think that it has a positive affect! I’ve met a lot of nice people and it’s a fun hobby.

How has rp changed you personally?

It’s made me more confident in my skills as a writer and more honest with how I feel about certain subjects. It’s taught me to focus on me and not what the world or internet might think about me.

If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

Any of the three things that bother me from above, for obvious reason.

Have you ever sent a message to yourself on anon? Why?

Nah

Have you ever sent hate to yourself on anon? Why?

Nah

Do you delete anon hate or post and address it? Why?

I delete it, I don’t see a point in reinforcing that sort of behavior? Someone that is sending anon hate is going to be continuously checking your blog to see how you respond. They want that attention, they want the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt you or got to you in some way and nothing is better than frustrating someone that hateful.

Have you ever felt pressured to write something you weren’t comfortable with?

Yes.

Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to?

Nope. Tumblr is a hobby and it’s meant to be enjoyed.

What would make you block someone?

Rudeness, blatant disregard for my rules, harassment, and drama.

Have you ever stolen something from someone else?

Not intentionally and not that I’m aware of. This is something that I’m constantly afraid of?? I love duplicates and I often follow/discuss my muses with them and I’m always scared that at some point, I’ll claim that something we’ve spoken about or that I saw around, was my own idea. I tend to avoid metas for this reason and if there is ever something that I do want to make canon for my muse, I always ask first and credit where possible.

Have you ever had something stolen from you? If so, how did you handle it?

Not that I’m aware of??

Are you open to duplicates? Why / why not?

See above.

How do you feel about vague posting?

I think it’s childish. Just talk to the person that you’re having issues with and I just am too tired and too anxious to put up with it.

Do you follow people even if they don’t follow you back?

Not so much anymore. I tend to do a lot of mobile browsing/blogging and I don��t ever want to push myself into place where I’m not welcome, so by only following mutuals, I save myself a lot of time.

Do you read people’s rules before following or interacting?

Yes, but I forget them pretty immediately, so I tend to do a refresher before I send memes or write a reply to a thread.

What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it?

No, I can understand how disheartening it can be to reblog memes and not get anything while other users are reblogging things from you, but it’s the internet and everyone is free to do whatever the hell they want so long as it is not exploting/hurting others and I don’t think it’s fair to coerce/force/guilt other users into interacting with someone.

How have you responded to popular slang used on tumblr? Do you use it in every day life? Do you use it at all?

Nah, not really. Vines are the ones that have fucked up my vocabulary.

Is there something you don’t know the meaning of but you haven’t asked anyone because you think it’s supposed to be general knowledge? Was there ever something you had to ask someone to explain?

I used to be confused about the differences between “private” and “mutuals-only”, but I’ve got it figured out now.

Have you ever experienced discrimination?

I’ve been writing female muses on tumblr for just over seven years.

How do you feel about personal blogs following your rp blog?

It’s fine, so long as they don’t reblog threads.

Have you ever cried while writing a reply?

Ohh yeah. @rcsethcrn is to blame for most of my tears.

Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

I read ones that come across my dash, but I don’t really follow them? I’ll read the ones that catch my eye.

What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you?

I’m not sure tbh?? There isn’t anything I can think of at the moment.

How do you feel about tagging triggers? Do you tag them? How do you determine what is triggering content and what isn’t?

I do my best to tag triggers. I think they are valid and given my work/education, I can’t bring myself to leave them off. I try to stick to general terms for things that may be upsetting to others?? I’m not very specific, but I try to go off of what I would find uncomfortable or refer to this mental list of things that are more generally upsetting.

What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

Be kind to yourself. Don’t let what people say get under you skin, don’t get hung up on who follows you and who doesn’t. Do what is best for you and your mental health.

#agirlofwinterfell #Answered ⤝❄⦙#jfc here you go #thank you for sending these in lol #OOC ⤝❄⦙

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raisingsupergirl · 7 years ago

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The Problem of Prayer

Have you ever been in the presence of someone who was praying, but you, yourself, didn't join in the prayer? If you're atheist or agnostic, the answer is likely, "yes." If you're Christian (I can't speak to other religions' social norms regarding group prayer), you may not have ever had this opportunity. And if you haven't, I suggest you try it, because it really is an opportunity. At first, you may feel strange, disrespectful even. But you should take a moment and consider what's happening. Either that person has opened up a direct link to the Almighty, conversing and channeling omniscient and omnipotent power right before your very eyes, or he has gone beyond a naïve belief in the possibility of a higher power to babbling earnestly to said power without embarrassment or fear. Either way, it's not something to be taken lightly, and I'm afraid modern culture has become numb to one of mankind's most pivotal topics.

I read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins a while back. It was a fascinating book that attempted to explain away the possibility of the Christian God. Dawkins didn't do a great job on most points, as his expertise in biology (further limited by his personal bias and anger) just wasn't enough to encompass the physics, hermeneutics, and philosophy he employed (I've written lengthy posts on the book's arguments if anyone's interested…), but it would be unfair to say he didn't hit on some great points. And one of the most compelling challenges he presented was on the topic of prayer. You see, he claimed that communication with a divine, compassionate God had been scientifically disproven, and based solely on his evidence, I can't for the life of me disagree with him.

The research that Dawkins shared included, most notably, a series of studies that compared areas known to rely heavily on Christian prayer and Godly intercession to those that don't. The results? Areas that prayed their hearts out for healing and protection had no measurable difference in sickness, poverty, and violence from areas that either prayed to different gods or didn't pray at all. Let that sink in a moment. Communities that pray daily to God in the name of Jesus Christ are just as likely to die of cancer, lose their jobs, and get bullied at school as communities that do not.

Of course, there are obviously cultural differences to consider. Communities that truly follow Christ's example will naturally have less violence and poverty. In heavily Islamic areas, women will always have less influence than elsewhere. Hyper-conservative Christian groups such as the Amish may actually have higher incidence of disease and sickness due to their resistance to western medicine. But when filtering out these extraneous variables and focusing purely on prayer's ability to change a community's welfare, there seemed to be no difference whatsoever.

Unfortunately, Dawkins didn't share the actual studies. Nor did he go into specifics on how the groups prayed, for whom they prayed, and how often they prayed. If he had shared the studies, these questions could have been answered, along with the reliability and validity of the studies. You see, as a physical therapist, I've spent my fair share of time learning how to evaluate research articles, experiments, and studies, and the first thing you learn is that if someone wants a result badly enough, he can make a study say whatever he wants. Ever wonder who funds pharmaceutical research? I can tell you it's not the patients.

But, even though Dawkins' arguments weren't bulletproof, they opened up an opportunity for further research on the topic that I've since found fascinating. And I'm not the only one. Take this article from the NY Times, for example. It outlines the current state of research into the effectiveness of intercessory prayer on surgical candidates in the United States. It's a multi-million-dollar field of study, and the results are worth every penny, if only to force us to re-evaluate our assumptions.

Why? Because these studies, too, show that prayer did not help patients undergoing surgery. In fact, it does just the opposite! Patients who knew they were being prayed for actually had worse outcomes! What kind of cruel, cosmic joke is that?

However, we must be discerning with topics as important as this. For example, the above study only measured prayers given by impartial strangers selected by the researchers. There was no way to consider prayers offered to the patients by family, friends, and other Christians throughout the world. Also, some critical evaluators suggested that those patients who knew they were being prayed for by the strangers experienced higher levels of expectation and resulting anxiety, which could negatively effect their outcomes.

But the question remains, why is it necessary in the first place to run to prayer's defense in the face of these seemingly conclusive results? Why don't the studies show clearly that prayer helps people? Is God truly that concerned with avoiding scientific validation? I think the answer lies not in God's motivation, but more on our own motivations and perceptions, and it's a topic that hits home with me.

If you live in this world long enough, you're going to have to deal with pain and tragedy. Chances are, you're dealing with it in some form right now. Either you personally—or someone you're close to—is battling cancer, abuse, poverty, or some other heartbreaking affliction. And if you've experienced these things first-hand, you know the affliction is only a part of the battle. Fear, depression, anger. These are the inner demons that come with it—that ultimately break a person's will and steal away any desire to keep fighting. So the subject of prayer is a serious one. It can't be flippantly dismissed by a set of rules and protocols determined by a room full of mildly curious researchers.

So what's going on here? Where did the prayer warriors in these studies go wrong? Were they crying out to the wrong god? Were they crying out at all? Were they praying for the right things? Were they praying at all? Were they worthy to be heard and answered? Was there a god there to even hear them? If we're to come to an honest conclusion, we have to honestly consider all of the above questions. And that's just the start. And like most things truly pertaining to the supernatural, I think science can only give us answers so far as our natural minds are capable of guiding it.

We all have to make a choice. We all have to take our beliefs seriously. The second we start blindly accepting someone else's opinions as our own without consideration, we've given up our right to free will. And we've crushed the beauty out of choosing to follow a loving God.

So how have these studies changed me? They've forced me to reconsider what prayer is, and how I go about it. I've always had a problem praying for "things." I've never prayed to win a game, to hit the lottery, or to have infinite cosmic power. Who am I to question God's plan when He knows literally everything? What if He answers my desires, and in so doing, He has to take something away from someone else? And taking it a step further, what if He saves my friend's life, and then my friend turns around and kills someone? (not much of a friend, I guess…) Such considerations are shortsighted and self-defeating since God is, as I said, all knowing (just because I ask the wrong thing doesn't mean God has to grant my "wish"), but I really do think we need to consider the motivation behind our prayer.

If I'm praying for a friend out of guilt because he asked for prayers on Facebook, I doubt my heart's really in it. If I'm asking for a raise at work so I can buy drugs, I doubt that's drawing me closer to God. We've been granted the opportunity to converse with the divine. It shouldn't be taken lightly. Jesus gave us a template on how to come to God when he shared the Lord's Prayer. It's humble, it's kind, it's loving, it's passionate. It's not a chain letter or a public declaration of our godliness.

In short, we can't really screw up a prayer. God invites us to speak truthfully from wherever our heart is at the time. But that doesn't mean we're going to get the answer we want. If a thousand people are praying earnestly to save someone who's time on this planet has finished (for whatever reason), it's possible that those prayers won't be answered in the way the supplicants desire. But that's not to say we shouldn't pray for it. Doing so draws us closer to God—to his heart and his mind. And miracles do happen. I've seen them in the medical field. I've seen them in my own life. Times when a particular path is inexplicably changed in direct response to a prayer request. And despite what skeptics say, the frequency and potency of those miracles on the whole can never be explained away by chance or coincidence. I heard a wonderful quote the other day from a very unlikely source (a character named Abraham Setrakian from the show The Strain) that reflects my feelings on the matter:

“I think we focus too much on the end result and not enough on the act itself. Prayer is an act of humility--of connection. Reaching out to another and to God. If we stop praying, we sever that connection. We give ourselves over to arrogance. We isolate ourselves.”

So like I said, keep an open mind. Don't assume I'm right. If you don't believe in God or that Jesus was His son who came to die and intercede on our behalf, give prayer a try. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe you'll spend some time in quiet contemplation and have lower blood pressure as a result. And if you're a Christian who's grown up taking the ritual of prayer for granted, step back and consider what you're really doing, and why. Don't be afraid to doubt what you've learned. God is bigger than your doubts, and your understanding and appreciation for the opportunity will be well worth the effort. Trust me. I know from experience.

#prayer #faith #efficacy of prayer #divine intervention #intercessory prayer #religion #momblr #mumblr #dadblr #science and religion #the strain

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sarahburness · 6 years ago

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Overcoming Intergenerational Trauma: We Can Break the Cycle of Abuse

“Our ancestors knew that healing comes in cycles and circles. One generation carries the pain so that the next can live and heal. One cannot live without the other, each is the other’s hope, meaning and strength.” ~Gemma B. Benton

I thought I had no value, my opinion meaningless. My sense of self was decimated. Finally, I got angry and attacked.

“You can’t imagine the pain you’ve put me through!” I yelled. “You don’t even know who I am. You can’t see it. You’re refusing to take responsibility for the way you raised me! Not thinking is not an excuse! You don’t even care to try to understand what you’ve done to me!”

This was me to my retirement-age parents about a year ago. Those yelling sessions happened several times. They called the police on me once.

None of it did an ounce of good. They can’t see it.

The more I have experienced with depression, anxiety, and recovery, the more I am convinced that the events and circumstances of my past—and my parents’ past—have shaped me much more than my brain chemistry.

I’m pretty confident that the problems I’ve suffered from are derived from generations of unhealthy behavior. I believe the effects of intergenerational trauma shape us much more than we might realize.

I’m not a researcher, so I only have my own experiences to base this on; it very well could be different for someone else. But from what I’ve seen from my grandparents through my kids, this succession of trauma is difficult to break. It takes different forms, but it always rears its ugly head. In my grandparents, it was alcoholism; in my parents, physical abuse; me, emotional abuse.

I don’t consider any of us to be bad people, but we have each passed horrible things on to our children.

My mom’s dad was an alcoholic and very strict. Her mom didn’t actively do anything wrong, but she turned a blind eye to what her husband was doing. Mom won’t talk directly about it, but reading between the lines, I believe her brother abused her as well.

My dad’s dad was killed in a car accident when my dad was five. That left my dad as the man of the house, with no father figure. His mom never remarried and worked full time to support the family, meaning my dad was mostly on his own.

So then, this is how it all added up for me: Because of the abuse she suffered, my mom became a narcissist with no empathy. My dad became an absentee father who always blindly agreed with my mom. I was raised so that every good thing I did reflected well on my mother, and every mistake I made was my own fault.

It took me forty-four years to unravel all this. I’m still trying to figure out who I really am. I know I crave attention and approval from women. I’m insecure and selfish. At times, sometimes for long stretches, I distance myself from my wife and kids. But I’m working on it.

I’m also working on forgiving my parents. It’s not easy, but I know it’s necessary for me to keep progressing. They’re just flawed people, like me, after all. I’m mainly having trouble with my mom, a selfish, self-centered, and ignorant woman.

If I forgive my parents, it will be for my own peace of mind. I will know then that I did everything in my power to make peace with them. That doesn’t mean, though, I want to keep them or my extended family in my life.

Some people aren’t going to change, and we each have the right to decide whether we want that kind of person around us. I feel that most of my family is dysfunctional. It’s a really tough decision.

My mom’s favorite excuses for her behavior, which she refuses to acknowledge, are “That’s the way I was raised” and “I never thought about it.” Must’ve been glorious to live a life and raise a child without responsibility.

I know I need to do better. I need to take responsibility for creating change and break free from the intergenerational beliefs and behaviors I see as unhealthy. My family sees this as a rebuke.

To find my hope, meaning, and strength, I may have to leave my entire family behind. That’s a heavy decision, but it’s one I will probably need to make.

It will mean that I’ve learned the lessons of my parents and used them to bring power and strength to myself and my children. I can only hope that happiness and peace come along for the ride. That would be the greatest gift I could give to my kids.

I can’t sit around waiting for the negativity and condescension to go away, or for them to make an effort to understand my problems. In order for me to get better and start living my own life, I need to be the one making the rules. I need to be positive and I need to take care of myself.

In being raised as children and in raising our own children, we receive many messages. Some are helpful, some are hurtful. We need to be aware of those messages as adults, discarding the harmful ones and emphasizing the healthy ones. We need to be honest with ourselves and others, and willing to admit when we’re wrong. We need to constantly question everything.

Some of the messages I received growing up were “You’re not as good as you should be,” “Conformity is good, being different is bad,” and “You don’t matter enough,” sprinkled in with healthy doses of guilt.

My wife and I have tried to instill the opposite in our kids. Everyone matters. Your opinions and feelings are valid and important. Be yourself and follow your dreams.

None of this is easy. It takes awareness, courage, and the determination to live a better life.

Some will have bigger hills to climb. Some will look around and find the support they need has been around them all along. Others will be alone and will have to dig deep inside themselves to find the strength to live better.

No matter our situation, we all deserve the happiness that comes with living our best lives. And the secret isn’t money or success; it’s filling our lives with love. This requires us to heal any childhood wounds that prevent us from giving and receiving love.

Your present may be built on your past, but it doesn’t have to be controlled by it. In order to break the chains of intergenerational trauma, you will most certainly face some serious challenges. Here are some recommendations from my experiences that may help you.

Have courage.

If you look at your past with clear eyes, you’re likely to see a fair bit of unpleasantness. Pain, abuse, manipulation, deceit could all be there. And they could be coming from people you love.

Facing all of that will take courage and energy. It’s difficult and emotionally exhausting to look at your life objectively. You have to keep reminding yourself to see what’s really there rather than what you’ve always thought or what you want to see.

Going against the tide of several generations of family is a daunting prospect. You might alienate or offend people you love, but you are worthy of living your life your way.

Things don’t have to be the way they’ve always been. You don’t need to suffer just because your family chose to suffer in the past. But, understand this is difficult work.

Have confidence that doing this healthy work for yourself is worthwhile. Stay focused on self-care and keep your eyes on the bigger picture.

Have a support group.

A support group can be built of any mixture of people. Friends, relatives, co-workers, or even strangers. It can be formal or informal. The best support groups possess various experiences, perspectives, and personalities.

What you are doing is huge, and it’s going to be a significant help to have at least one or two people you can lean on while you do this. If you have more, great. But don’t try to do this alone; find yourself a support system before you start.

My support group is patched together from people who have read my articles and responded to them, people I know from online interest groups, and a few people from real life, too.

My group has layers, an inner circle I hear from often, a group that checks in every couple of weeks, and a group that is just more encouraging when they hear what I’m up to.

I’ve had the gift of actually growing my support group while I’m going through this. I’ve opened up to some people and found that we’ve been through similar circumstances. This can give you new ideas and solutions to your problems.

And don’t forget, a doctor, clergy member, or a therapist can be part of this group for you. You can also consider trying organized local support groups if that appeals to you.

The more love and support you can gather around yourself, the more strength and conviction you will find you have. This love and support feeds off itself. The more you give, the more you get back.

Have motivation.

Remember why you’re doing this. You’re setting out to build a better life for you and your children. The thought of overcoming this pain can be a liberating and positive force.

Being aware of what put us where we are today will not only give us the motivation but also the direction we need to create positive change for ourselves and our children.

Not all the changes we make will be successful, but if we keep going and correct our mistakes, we can still help ourselves and our kids learn healthier behaviors. We can stop perpetuating a lineage of abuse, domination, neglect, hurt, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

There’s no finish line in overcoming intergenerational trauma. Keep being aware. Keep moving forward, and be the force that is constantly pushing toward healthy change in your family.

About Jason Large

Jason Large has been experiencing depression and anxiety for twenty-six years. He has recently made a link between his own troubles and his family's history. He writes with the hope of helping others in similar circumstances. If you’d like, you can reach Jason on Facebook.

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djsamaha-blog · 7 years ago

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How To Win With A Narcissist: 5 Secrets Backed By Research

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

Is that difficult someone driving you up the wall? What’s the best way to handle impossible people?

I’ve broken down the research on how to handle narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other “cluster B” troublemakers, and the primary answer is always the same:

Run. Get outta there. No contact.

Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat, cluster B’s are notoriously difficult to deal with, and you’re not a therapist. (Though at this point you probably feel like a very frazzled one.)

But I received a lot of responses from readers basically saying: What do I do if I can’t leave? Is there any way to make them change?

It’s their boss and they need this job. It’s their spouse and they have kids together. It’s their best friend and they can’t in good conscience abandon them.

So how do you deal with a narcissist when saying “MEEP-MEEP” and sprinting away Road-Runner-style isn’t an option?

Dr. Craig Malkin is a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and his new book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special offers some hope.

A lot of what you know about narcissists is wrong and there are proven ways to not only deal with them but to help them get better. (Not that narcissists need to get better — hey, they’re “perfect”, right?)

Okay, let’s get to work…

Sympathy For The Devil

Turns out we all have some narcissistic traits and they’re normal, natural and, frankly, essential. Without them you’d deal with crippling low self-esteem, Eeyore.

It’s when people go too far down the spectrum into “malignant” narcissism that we get the entitlement, exploitation, and other assorted nastiness narcissists are so well known for.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

We need our grandiosity at times to feel happy and healthy. And a growing body of recent research concludes that a little narcissism, in adolescence, helps the young survive the Sturm und Drang of youth; moderate teenage narcissists are less anxious and depressed and have far better relationships than their low and high narcissism peers. Likewise, corporate leaders with moderate narcissism are rated by their employees as far more effective than those with too little or too much…. The difference between narcissists and the rest of us is one of degree, not kind.

Extreme narcissism is a disorder, and to help those who have it we need to remember it’s a disorder. When people suffer from depression, anxiety or borderline personality disorder we tend to feel sympathy but with narcissism we often moralize and say they’re “bad.” That’s like feeling sorry for people with tuberculosis but saying those with meningitis are a bunch of jerks who had it coming.

Malkin explains that narcissists weren’t given secure love when growing up. They weren’t appreciated for just being themselves; they were only celebrated for what they achieved. When you can’t count on empathy from those around you, you stop trusting, and you feel ashamed of your normal human frailties.

You stop trying to get your emotional needs met from love and instead try to be special — better than others. Better looking, more talented, smarter or more accomplished. You stop trying to soothe your insecurities by relying on people and instead turn to a fantasy self where you are superior.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new book here.)

The childhood of a narcissist is sad and a little scary. But it also holds the secret to helping narcissists get better…

How Do You Fix Someone Who Is “Perfect”?

All psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. Psychopaths can’t feel empathy.

For narcissists, empathy is more like an underdeveloped muscle. Still there, but as you have probably experienced first hand, it sure doesn’t get used much. You need to help them build that empathy muscle.

Calling them a jerk or criticizing their behavior only makes them worse. But when they are compassionately reminded of the importance of their relationships — and how those relationships can help them achieve their goals — they can improve.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

More than a dozen studies exploring whether or not narcissists can change have now been conducted… and they all point to the same conclusion: encouraging narcissists to feel more caring and compassionate reduces their narcissism… If narcissists are approached in a gentler way, many seem to soften emotionally. When they feel secure love, they become more loving and more committed in return… The lesson from research is that people only slide down the spectrum when they’re reminded of the importance of their relationships. Change doesn’t come from telling them off for being too success-driven, ruthless, or manipulative; it comes by showing them the benefits of collaboration and understanding.

No, this isn’t a Disney film and giving the Grinch a big hug isn’t going to instantly turn him into a sweetheart. But psychologists have found success with using what are called “empathy prompts.”

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

Prompting involves two components: voicing the importance of your relationship and revealing your own feelings. Voicing the importance of your relationship generally involves making supportive statements, such as “You matter so much to me” or “You’re important to me” or “I care about you a great deal.” Declarations like these signal how special someone is to us. They’re the kind of reassurance many narcissists don’t even realize they miss. They nudge people toward thinking about the relationship, moving the focus from you and me to we. More importantly, they signal your willingness to offer secure love.

So you might say:

“I consider you an important friend. That’s why I feel so sad when you don’t return my calls for weeks.”

“Mom, you’re one of the most important people in my life. So when you question my every move, I feel devastated, like I’m a failure in your eyes.”

One caveat: for people who have narcissistic tendencies, empathy prompts can, over time, help to reduce their bad habits. But if someone has full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, well, the cancer has metastasized. They may be too far gone to improve without professional help.

That’s sad, but it gives empathy prompts a second use: they’re a good litmus test for whether there’s hope for the “narcy” in your life.

When empathy prompts are delivered properly and sincerely, without a raised voice or implied guilt trip, most people melt. If your narcy is impervious to them, they may be impervious to your help overall.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

Can your partner, friend, or relative place the relationship— in other words, place you— ahead of their coercive attempts to feel special? Can they allow your pain to touch them and say they’re sorry or comfort you or just show they understand? If they can’t, you need to view their narcissism exactly as you would any addiction. The “drug” has taken over their lives…

So how do you know if empathy prompts are working? Malkin explains that you’re succeeding when your narcy responds by:

Affirming: “You’re my best friend, too. I don’t want you to feel bad.”

Clarifying: “How long have you been feeling sad around me?”

Apologizing: “I’m sorry— I don’t want you to feel like a failure.”

Validating: “I know my sarcasm hurts you.”

(To learn how to deal with psychopaths and other toxic people, click here.)

This is a great system for dealing with that self-absorbed loved one in your personal life. But you probably can’t get this deep and emotionally gooey at the office.

So how do you help a narcissistic boss or co-worker?

The Narcissist In The Corner Office

The knee-jerk advice everyone gives when dealing with a workplace monster is to report them. But as experts like Stanford professor Bob Sutton have made clear over and over, that just doesn’t work.

A 2008 survey of 400 people asked what their employers did when they reported being bullied. Malkin lists the results:

1.7% conducted a fair investigation and protected the target with punitive measures against the bully.

6.2% conducted a fair investigation with punitive measures for the bully but no protection for the target.

8.7% conducted an unfair investigation with no punitive measure for the bully.

31% conducted an inadequate/unfair investigation with no punitive measures for the bully, but plenty for the target.

12.8% did nothing or ignored the problem with no consequences for anyone, bully or target.

15.7% did nothing, but retaliated against the target for reporting. Target remained employed.

24% of employers did nothing, except fire the target.

Long story short: 70+% of the time it’ll be you who takes it on the chin. So reporting doesn’t work and empathy prompts might be a little too personal — at least at first.

So what should you do to deal with your office narcy? Malkin has some tips:

1) Use The Word “We”

Use the first person plural whenever possible. Emphasize relationships in all communication. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous that this is going to get Mr. Center-Of-The-Universe to grow a heart…

But research shows it works.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

…researchers had narcissists read a passage filled with words like we, our, and us and count the number of pronouns. This simple activity not only made them more willing to help people in need (by giving them the spare change in their pockets, for example), it also made them less obsessed with becoming famous!

So “we” should start doing this, shouldn’t “we”?

2) Reward Good Behavior

Compliment them when they are warm. And compliment them for their warmth — not for achievement or performance.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

…look for moments when the person demonstrates better behavior and underscore them. Nudging narcissists to center means focusing on moments when they show some capacity for collaboration, interest in other people, or concern for the happiness of those around them— in short, whenever they behave more communally.

3) Contrast Good and Bad Behavior

Is the complimenting helping? Okay, then it’s safe to take it up a notch. Diplomatically contrast their bad behavior with their good behavior.

From Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special:

Contrasting is much the same as catching, except that you’re describing the past and the present at the same time. Noting bad behavior becomes far more effective when it’s paired with some recollection of more communal behavior (assuming you’ve caught any).

Malkin suggests something like:

I had such a great experience on our team last week when we left time for everyone to contribute. Today, we had less of a chance and I felt a lot less hopeful about the project. Can we try to do it the same way as last week?

Getting good results? Now you can finally move to something closer to empathy prompts.

4) Teach Them Their ABCs

Malkin says that first you should tell them how you’re feeling:

A is for affect, aka feeling. Feeling statements use the word I liberally, as in I’m feeling uncomfortable, uneasy, unhappy. You can also use stronger words like sad, afraid, scared, but since you’re usually not in a friendship or romantic relationship with the person you’re speaking to, vaguer, less intense emotional language might be better. Follow your gut on that one. The main goal is to describe your experience only. Never use “you” in this step.

Then tell them what behavior is causing it:

B is for behavior. This is the experience, interaction, or action that causes the feelings. For example: When you raise your voice; When I hear only criticism; When you sound sarcastic; When you cut me off midsentence.

And then let them know what correction you would like to see:

C is for correction. This refers to the change you’re seeking. Proper assertiveness always involves a request of some kind. It’s a form of coaching. You’re telling the listener what they need to do to improve interactions. Examples: Can you lower your voice?; Can you tell me what steps you want taken?; Can you use a kinder tone?

For example:

“I feel unhappy the rest of the day when you criticize me in front of the entire group. Can you save your feedback for one-on-one meetings?”

(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Alright, we’ve learned a lot. Let’s round it up and learn how we can always feel special… and not turn into a narcissist.

Sum Up

This is how to win with a narcissist:

In your personal life, use “empathy prompts”: Music doesn’t soothe the savage beast, but reminding them about relationships and your feelings can.

Use “We”: It’s just one word but it’s effective with narcissists. (If you can’t manage to do this you’re not paying attention to me. You should pay attention to me. I’m really important.)

Reward Good Behavior: When the puppy behaves, give it a treat.

Contrast good and bad behavior: “Normally when Jim turns in a report late you kick him down a flight of stairs. I thought it was wonderful today when you chose to throw a stapler at him instead.”

Teach them their ABC’s: Mention your affect, their bad behavior, and the correction you’d like to see. This is an advanced Jedi move. Build to this with your Sith Lord, young Padawan.

Narcissists come in many flavors (grandiose, covert, communal, etc.) but they all share one thing in common: they need to feel special.

And, frankly, feeling special is kinda nice. We all like to feel special. But what’s the path to the healthy way of feeling special vs the narcissistic kind?

Don’t put up a false front. You’re human and you screw up. That’s normal and natural. Trying to seem perfect often earns you only envy.

Instead, show others your true self. Warts and all. You’ll look stupid sometimes. But that is when the people who truly care about you will show empathy. And you’ll grow closer to them, showing empathy back.

Ruthlessly striving to seem special in the eyes of strangers alienates those who care about you and is the path to narcissism. If you open up and are vulnerable you can have the only kind of specialness that matters…

Being special to the ones you love.

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