#i’m going to sob if i have to keep seeing these in my to-post album

[frnkiebby]

S I R pls. go take a fuckin nap~🎃

[starkwlkr]

i’m getting older too | hozier

is this random? yes but i don’t care 🥰 LISTEN I KNOW sweet dreams, tn is a song by the last shadow puppets but let’s just use our imagination with this one ok? 😍

faceclaim orion carloto

INSTAGRAM

liked by billieeilish, carolamtz and 2,366,780 others

yourusername married the love of my life!

billieeilish BEAUTIFUL BRIDE 🤍🤍🤍

bellahadid beauty ✨

lilizneimer congratulations!!

landonorris am i still grounded?

yourusername we’re all good now 🤍

honeymoon such a beautiful ceremony ❤️ in love with your love

ynstyle was every celebrity and f1 driver at this wedding?😭

cherrywin3 girl apparently stevie nicks even performed 😔😭

formulatears I NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHE SANG

cherrywin3 landslide because it’s y/n’s favorite song 😭 y/n’s mom just posted a video of y/n crying while stevie sang it’s too precious 🥹

view all 45,466 comments

liked by landonorris, honeymoon and 2,665,890 others

hozier y/n, my heart is, and will always be, yours. ‘sweet dreams, tn’ a gift from me to my beautiful wife.

hozierarchive HE DROPPED AN ALBUM DURING HIS WEDDING??

ynspodium not just any album but an album full of songs that y/n loves covered by him and some original songs too!!

leclercstype STEVIE NICKS, LANA, LORDE, THE LAST SHADOW PUPPETS, NOAH KAHAN, LORD HURON HE GATHERED THE DEPRESSION AVENGERS AND MADE AN ALBUM FOR HIS WIFE 😭

f1wagsstyle WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??

yourmomsusername y/n is currently sobbing listening to the album!

ynwdc not mama l/n exposing her daughter 😭 but same!

view all 76,366 comments

liked by hozier, gracieabrams and 2,366,390 others

yourusername 🇮🇪❤️☘️🎵🫶🏼✨💍👰‍♀️🤵‍♂️🤍

landonorris did you have a seizure or….?

yourusername you’re grounded again let me be in love with my hot irish husband on my honeymoon

landonorris you keep that to yourself

f1maeve my brother started watching f1 because of you!! (and he’s hoping to see hozier at a race)

yourusername thanks to your brother!! maybe andrew will finally make an appearance soon 🤍

crybabyprimadonna what’s your favorite song from sweet dreams, tn?

yourusername don’t make me choose!!😭 they all have my heart (but andrew’s cover of landslide with stevie is amazingly beautiful)

hozier wofe

hozier wufe

hozier ife

hozier wafie

hozier woife

yourusername handsome squidward 😍❤️

hozier wife ❤️

charles_leclerc i have no idea what’s going on

yourusername you wouldn’t understand ❤️

[lovecanyon]

MATILDA!Y/N X THE GRAMMYS PLSSSSS

INSTAGRAM BLURB

harry x matilda!y/n

MASTERLIST | PATREON

-

liked by harryfan3, harryfan6 and 380,726 others

pagesix Couple Harry Styles and Y/N L/N both attend the gym together today in Los Angeles, ahead of the Grammys!

view all comments

harryfan8 PARENTS

harryfan5 i hope y/n is going to the grammys with harry 😭

harryfan10 I WILL GO BATSHIT INSANE

harryfan7 they are each other’s gym buddies…crying

harryfan4 someone kill me

harryfan9 i literally love them together 😩

harryfan12 harry better get a grammy for the album he dedicated to y/n…that’s all i have to say

harryfan15 that man deserves it!

harryfan17 my babies

yourinstagram via stories

liked by harryfan20, harryfan24 and 290,421 others

harryupdate HARRY AND KID HARPOON AT THE GRAMMYS!

view all comments

harryfan27 omg

harryfan22 it’s the ass grab for me 🤚

harryfan29 I AM ON MY DEATHBED CURRENTLY

harryfan25 forever a styles stan

harryfan21 i can’t do this

harryfan23 don’t call me, don’t come by my house. we’re done.

harryfan26 our little clown 🥰

harryfan28 i’m not breathing

harryfan30 HELLO?? DID ANYONE SEE Y/N’S INSTAGRAM STORIES??

liked by harryfan35, harryfan37 and 408,935 others

stylesdaily Y/N ARRIVING AT THE GRAMMYS!

view all comments

harryfan32 i had a feeling she would go 🧎‍♀️

harryfan39 SHE CAME WHEN WE NEEDED HIM THE MOST

harryfan34 this is going to kill me

harryfan31 someone wake me up when this is all over

harryfan36 y/n came to slay!!!

harryfan38 she’s going to be sitting at the tables with harry…i bet you

harryfan40 honestly i’m manifesting that 🙏

harryfan33 YES YES YES

harryfan42 y/n is who i want to be

liked by harryfan41, harryfan44 and 388,105 others

hsnews Harry accepting his award for Best Pop Vocal Album at the 65th Grammys!

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harryfan49 I’M SOBBING

harryfan43 this is his second grammy!!!!!

harryfan45 WHEN HE GOT UP AND HUGGED Y/N FIRST…

harryfan48 harry loves her so much 😭

harryfan50 this is the most deserving thing ever

harryfan46 AND WE CHEER

harryfan52 HARRIES ARE CURRENTLY CHOKING ON THEIR TEARS

harryfan55 never recovering

liked by harryfan51, harryfan56 and 206,114 others

harryflorals HARRY VIA Y/N’S INSTAGRAM STORIES!

view all comments

harryfan59 so you’re telling me she got to see harry rehearse 💔

harryfan53 HE’S PERFORMING NEXT

harryfan57 she really is living the life huh

harryfan60 GOD HAS HIS FAVORITES AND Y/N IS ONE OF THEM

harryfan54 i want what she has

harryfan62 y/n…keep on posting grammy content…we need this 🧎‍♀️

harryfan65 crying and throwing up

liked by harryfan61, harryfan63 and 293,102 others

updatingharry HARRY PREFORMED AS IT WAS TONIGHT AT THE GRAMMYS!

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harryfan64 people died

harryfan66 CALL AN AMBULANCE. CALL AN AMBULANCE.

harryfan68 why does he look so good 🧎‍♀️

harryfan70 harry also did the as it was choreography too!!!

harryfan67 i’m on the floor

harryfan69 i should’ve been in that crowd 🤚

harryfan71 Y/N GOT TO WATCH THIS

harryfan78 harry = beautiful

liked by harrystyles, annetwist and 4,709,182 others

yourinstagram don’t leave your phone unattended at the grammys!!! - harry & lizzo 💋 #hacked

view all comments

harryfan73 I’M SCREAMING

harryfan75 i am officially jealous of y/n 😭

harrystyles #Hackedddd.

jefezoff just wait until she sees this

harryfan79 THIS MAKES ME WANT TO BE THEIR FRIENDS SO BAD

harry_lambert YES! I LOVE THIS

harryfan72 this is the best instagram post ever

yourinstagram WJAT

yourinstagram omg.

liked by harryfan80, harryfan83 and 526,207 others

dailyhs HARRY HAS WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR AT THE 2023 GRAMMYS!

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harryfan85 HE DID IT

harryfan89 this is how men feel when their superbowl team wins

harryfan82 PLEASEEE 🤭

harryfan84 i can officially die happy

harryfan87 HARRIES VOODOO

harryfan81 he looked so shocked omg

harryfan88 HARRY THANKED Y/N IN HIS SPEECH…I CANNOT DO THIS

harryfan86 that man is so on love with her 💔

liked by harryfan90, harryfan96 and 132,840 others

harryupdate HARRY AND Y/N LEAVING SONY’S GRAMMY AFTER PARTY TONIGHT!

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harryfan92 i love them so much 😭

harryfan94 I’M CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP

harryfan98 they are so special to me

harryfan91 y/n and harry are so happy together…i’m sobbing

harryfan95 SHITTING, CRYING, THROWING UP

harryfan93 closing the app for the night.

harryfan97 harry was celebrating his wins with his girlfriend 🧎‍♀️

harryfan99 this is so cute

liked by harrystyles, gemmastyles and 3,610,922 others

yourinstagram yesterday was truly a dream

view all comments

harryfan102 “we” as in her and harry 🥹

harryfan104 THE GRAMMY ON HARRY’S SHOE

harrystyles Without you I wouldn’t have these awards, thank you darling. I love you!

yourinstagram i love you so damn much ❤️❤️❤️

harryfan108 it’s so hard not to love y/n and harry

pillowpersonpp i adore youuuu!!!!

harryfan103 y/n constantly stays winning

lizzobeeating ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS EVER

harryfan105 harry’s comment…i love boyfriendrry

liked by yourinstagram, jefezoff and 5,790,261 others

harrystyles Grammys, February 2023.

view all comments

harryfan116 Y/N WINS. THAT’S IT.

harryfan112 pretending like i didn’t see this, good night folks

yourinstagram i love you my grammy winner!

harrystyles Couldn’t feel anymore special.

harryfan110 where can i find myself a harry 🤨

kidharpoon so happy for you

harryfan119 the two different moods these photos have are sending me 😭

harry_lambert the musician and the muse!

-

tag list: @harrysmatcha @harryspinkpillow @helen-with-an-a @florencepughily @peterparkerbae @toji-dabi-wife @fallonx @drphilssoulmate @cherriesrae @alienorknight @valluvsu @ayeshathestyles @hazgoldenstyles @eiffelmezarry @tsukishimawhore @renatavieira @michellekstyles @eleanordaisy @shawnsblue @japanchrry @agustdpeach @hannahnikohl @whoscamila @ch3rryrry @msolbesg @seguin-styles1996 @futuristicpalacegardenpsychic @youusunshineyoutemptress @kaitieskidmore1 @cherryfragrancx @ssuziess @milkiane @golden-hoax @flwrmuse @sunshinemendes8 @your--sweetest--downfall @melllinaa @tenaciousperfectionunknown @cashtons-wife @stellarossii @scenesofobx @manifestrry @lomlolivia @b-reads-things

[lionzyon]

I’m sorry for this post but i have to get this out somewhere.

I’m literally sobbing right now. I mean hyperventilating and can barely speak.

I am so SICK and TIRED of being betrayed by my aunt. She has fucked me over and ruined my happiness so many fucking times. She has promised me things over and over again and she never keeps her promise.

Now I completely understand people have their own personal shit that they go through but maybe they should keep that shit in mind before they make promises they know they can’t fucking keep.

If anyone reading this has ever made an important promise to someone and completely went back on it, knowing that you’re wrong then FUCK YOU. That shit hurts people, seriously.

My aunt promised me tickets 3 times and yet she has broken her promise everytime. And she just did it to me for the last fucking time istg, i will never allow her to hurt me like this ever again!

The nct concert is today. She made me a promise last night that she would get me the ticket in the morning, well morning comes and i have no ticket. So i tried to give her another chance to make it up to me by seeing if she could just get me this album i’ve been trying to buy and she fucking yells at me for asking and tries to guilt trip me. I genuinely can’t take ts anymore and I’m bipolar, so my mental health is really bad right now because of this.

And if you’re wondering, it’s not the fact that i cant see nct or that i can’t have the aespa album i wanted. Its the fact that she has gotten my hopes up SO MANY TIMES MY ENTIRE LIFE just to be let down and betrayed by her. And then she continues to try and manipulate me by acting like it’s not her fault and playing the victim. So i’m just done. I honestly might even take a break from the internet after this.

If you read this entire post then thank you. I needed to get all of this out. I’ll be fine i just need time to relax. I’m sorry for ranting about my personal life it’s just that she knew how important this was to me.. i can’t believe she would do this to me. I’m protecting my peacefrom now on.

[nicorobinsimp333]

Miya Atsumu - TRAITOR

Atsumu x GN reader

So I have this idea for a series in my head for each song off of Olivia Rodrigos album and I have had it for a while and I’m finally getting around to posting them. Let me know what you think I hope you enjoy 🥹

* you and atsumu were endgame or well so you thought

* You had been family friends since before you two could walk. You were closer to him than Osumu so when he asked you out in your first year it was a no brainer

* Being with tsumi was definitely a roller coaster. He was kind and compassionate but he was also a flirty airhead.

* You and him had gone through so much. Always being there for one another loving one another at your worst

* It’s now been three+ years and nothing really has changed. Well you had, you grew tired of the lies and the secrets. And the gaslighting.

* You’d notice he’s been distant and you confront him about it. Asking if he even wanted to be with you anymore and if he wanted to be with someone else he should have just said so.

* You specifically asked about him and his manager but he quickly shut you down. Telling you they were just colleagues nothing more you had nothing to worry about. That it was just his training that was wearing him down

* But when you walked in the gym to give him a surprise bento and see him flirting with his manager. You still just pushed it off making excuses (they’re just colleagues)

* When he would come home late you would excuse it as late practices. You didn’t want to come off as insecure, since you trusted him. (Right)

* But you finally had enough when he forgot about your date. It wasn’t that he forgot just any date, he forgot on what would have been your 4 year anniversary.

* As you walked back to your shared apartment, you were trying to rationalize. Trying anything to keep you from making the hardest decision that you know deep down was ultimately the best one for you

* As you opened the door there he was fast asleep on the couch. You didn’t even bother waking him for an argument. You just went into your shared bedroom and started packing.

* Once you were done you gathered all your things at the door, took the keys off your keychain and went to wake Atsumu

* You were going to write a note but you figured he deserved at least a face to face break up.

“Tsumi” you said as you shook him to wake up. “Miya Atsumu, wake up I’m leaving.”

He reached out to grab your hand, while rubbing his eyes. “Where are you going” he said as he looked at his watch “it’s almost midnight?”

“ No. Atsumu, I’m leaving as in I’m leaving you. It’s over, we’re over.“

“Yer not funny babe, I’m tired can we just talk about this in the morning.” At this point you were sobbing, because yet again your voice wasn’t being heard. “Okay.” You said as you let go of his hand grabbed a paper and pen and wrote down what you wish you could’ve said to his face.

By the time it was morning you were long gone. You headed back to your childhood home since you didn’t really have any other choice. When you got there with all you bags your mother greeted you. She’s could see the pain and tiredness in your eyes and the first thing she said “I’m gonna kill him.” You wrapped your arms around her and asked her not to but to help you apartment hunt.

The day you returned home, Atsumu called your phone non-stop after he woke up and found you and all you belongings gone. When he read your letter he realized what he had done and he wanted no needed to find you and tell you he was sorry about everything and that he would be better. No more slacking off but every call and message never delivered and he had no idea where you’d go. He called your mutual friends and none of them knew where you were, then he called your mom. She said you mentioned going on a mini vacation but in reality you were crying in your childhood home, wondering were did it all go wrong. You didn’t want to see anyone and asked your boss for the week off. They loved you there so they told you to come back when you could. Your job was there when you return. After, 3 full days of crying, you woke up and started hunting. For a new place, new furniture and a new wardrobe. You cut your hair (wolf haircut or whatever you want to have), got new clothes and new perspective. Of course everything hurt but you couldn’t keep feeling sorry for yourself, not when you’ve come so far with a lot of other aspects in your life.

It’s been a couple of weeks since the break up and you’re in your new apartment. It was near your old one but it was the only available one and closest to your job. You haven’t seen Atsumu and haven’t spoken to him either. You were feeling better and you hadn’t really thought about Atsumu and your break-up. As you make it our your new apartment you decide to hit up your favorite market. You thought you’d be safe from any Atsumu interactions since he said he hated the run-down mini mart. Plus he was usually at practice so you were sure you’d be okay. That was until you walked down the snack isle and saw them. They’re dangling from his arms as he looks both happy and sad. He looks tired and you wanna rush to him and make sure he’s okay, but that isn’t your job anymore. Plus he’s with them, what would he need you for. And that’s when you make eye contact. You can see him stiffen and shove them off, but by the time he gets them off you’re already out the store trying to get yourself to breath evenly.

“Y/n, where have you been. I’ve been trying to call and make sure you were okay but you never answered. Your mom said you were out of town. Are you coming back home?” His face was sad and you can clearly see the bags under his eyes. But your head was filling with so many thoughts.

Was he sad because he got caught, was his eye bags due to sleepless nights of sadness or because they were keeping him company. But that’s when you felt a stray tear fall.

You stare at him through tear filled eyes. “Are you seriously asking me that after I just saw you with them. It hasn’t even been a month Atsumu. And don’t try to make me feel crazy, I know all about your little flirtations and even how you would go to dinner with them. I turned a blind eye to all of that because I loved you and wanted you to love me too. You told me I was paranoid and yet here we are. ”

“I know but those weren’t anything, nothing happened only business. They said they needed my help, what was I supposed to do leave them hanging? It was for volleyball, you have to understand that.”

“And you don’t think I needed your help too Tsumi.” You turn to face the other way as these words flow from your mouth. “ you didn’t cheat congraufuckinglations Atsumu, but you’re still a traitor, you chose your volleyball career and manager over me. You constantly made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and I understand,” you take a breath holding your tears in as best you can “volleyball is something important to you. You know I’ve always supported you and encouraged you to be the best you can. But I matter too and I didn’t deserve the past year but I let it happen. I allowed you to apologize and try to make it up but I knew deep down you didn’t really care. Maybe if I would have called it quits at the end of our second year. Maybe then I would still have you in my life. Maybe then I would be able to look at you. And you’ll probably never be sorry about what happened since I was so easily replaceable. I just really wish you would have thought all of this through before you allowed me to fall madly in love with you. You may have things to say but I’m begging, please just leave me alone. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I can’t, so this is goodbye Atsumu.”

With that you wiped your tears and turned on your heels and headed home. You felt a weight lift off your shoulders. You know most of what you said was in your note but saying it in person felt so good. It was bittersweet because you still love him. You probably always will but you know that you deserve better. You understand that life isn’t a fairytale and love doesn’t always prosper. But that’s okay, because you’ll pick yourself up and be the strong person you have always been. You’ll learn to love again. You will take what you’ve learned with you because, although this chapter of your life has now been closed, that doesn’t mean your book has finished.

[jmdbjk]

More Legos...

(if you must, Jimin...)

After obsessing over whether the camera was straight enough, or were the lights too bright, whether the distance he was from the camera was good (obsessive perfectionist) he finally gave us the big news that his album is coming in MARCH!

Here are my preliminary notes and thoughts on the upcoming and very anticipated PJM1:

Track 1: shook and light-headed

Track 2: shook and drooling

Track 3: shook and finally taking a breath

Track 4: shook and uwu-ing

Track 5: shook and drooling again

Track 6: shook and picking myself up off the floor

Track 7: shook and sobbing because it’s the last song.

But of course, in my delulu mind there will be 13 tracks but let’s not get greedy...

Prediction: Jimin’s next live will have him building the LEGO BTS Dynamite set... 

Off-topic...look, Namjoon posted a recent pic of Jungkook on his Instagram stories:

Joon’s also deleted or archived all his Instagram posts except 13 that have to do with Indigo... WHAT’S UP WITH THAT???

Back to the main event: Jimin talked about straightening his teeth again. The best option for him is probably the Invisalign that you can remove when necessary. I wonder if the process is something he can be doing while he’s enlisted. 

He laughed and said “what do we have to fight about?” when someone asked him if he and Tae still fight a lot. As he continued reading the comments he said “Marriage!... one day. I’m too busy right now to get married.” I don’t know if the comment was “marriage one day” or if “one day” was part of his own response. He spoke a little about Jin. It’s clear that Jimin looks up to Jin. 

It was so cute when he was making fun of himself being so shy when he was recording Vibe with Taeyang.

My man with some plastic flowers he made with his own two hands:

Losing track of what day it is, having to figure out Valentine’s day is almost here... same babe, same...

I know some people sort of made a big deal over his comments about this. First of all, Jimin, no one said anything about White Day... second of all, he said “it’s fun” ...isn’t that enough to show that he acknowledges them? You guys with the hardcore ideas that certain things MUST be considered in a certain way ... GET OUT OF YOUR CLOSED BOX! He acknowledged they are special days that are fun. Why isn’t that enough? 

Then he talks about showing us his moon tattoos and letting us know there will be an opportunity to do so...he’ll have a chance to show us. Because whipping off his shirt on a live would probably get him scolded worse than JK drinking while doing a live.

He also commented about Namjoon being “truly like a gift” in his songwriting skills.

Then mentions Suchwita...and gives us a spoiler:

Yoongi and Jimin drinking and talking about Jimin’s solo album... YES! PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN UNIVERSE! DON’T TEASE ME AND THEN LEAVE ME SHATTERED IF IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!

You know... occasionally a comment that seems odd could very well hold a considerable amount of meaning:

Tears from working himself to the bone because of his passion to give his best to us... tears because of how moved he was from seeing all of us while performing... tears because when you are filled with fear and insecurity and see the outpouring of love... tears from the words he sees being said about him online... he says if he has to find a reason as to why (he’s not as emotional any more) he says it’s like as time has gone on, he’s not seen us in person, that his emotions have subsided. He is removed from personal appearances but still the fact they’ve achieved a certain level of success enables him to feel secure in his position and they can see we, Army, are not going to leave them. He’s also removed himself from social media.

He can be so unserious too... clocked out... hahahahaha... and that’s 12:30 a.m., 1:00 a.m. 

When Unholy comes on he laughs, smirks, and he skips the song BECAUSE HE KNOWS ITS UNHOLY...(keeping it PG for Armys). We know Jimin was at work but now we know he continued watching JK’s live because he knows that Jungkook sung this.... okayyyyy. 

We also had the pleasure of listening to Jimin hum/sing along to The Astronaut, Rush Hour, That That, Better Than This by Lauv, Safe Zone, Yet to Come, Closer, Empty Road by Taeyang, Wildflower, Telepathy, Euphoria (which he admitted he loves and he let it play twice and then continued to sing it), Filter to which he commented that he was really bummed out when he never got to perform this for us live and that HE MAY ONE DAY DO THAT ASDAFWTFOMFG!!! 

Someone in comments said they needed Jimin to motivate them and that they hated themselves... those were serious words and Jimin paused to consider his response... he said “you should still know how to cherish and like yourself. I think it actually isn’t easy to accept this usually. I think you should know why you are thinking in that manner (you should figure out what is causing you to think that way) and I think I need to hear you out in order to say something to you (I need to know more about the situation in order to offer constructive advice). Even so, you only have yourself. I hope you don’t hate yourself too much.” Words from a man who has perhaps had his own dealings with this sort of thing.

He wrapped it up by saying he’ll talk about the making of PJM1 after it’s release for us to stay safe and stay well. 

The thought occurred to me: is it just me or has the number of times that the idea of the members dating increased exponentially these last few months? 

Namjoon flippantly(?) saying "kind of like a girlfriend for me" during Big Brain/Useless Knowledge TV Show. (What is the title of that show? I keep forgetting...)

Both Jimin and Jungkook teasing Armys who comment "let's date for a few seconds" while doing their live broadcasts. 

And the big rumor of Tae’s that I won’t mention because people are irrational and I don’t have time for that.

Jimin even said there’s more comments about marriage these days than ever before. Beyond “Marry Me Yoongi,” the topic of marriage just seems to pop up more frequently. 

Are they attempting to normalize Tannies dating? Just like they've normalized (sorta) showing more skin? and normalized their inevitable enlistment. Are they are making us take baby steps for everything?

Is this part of Chapter 2/more mature Bangtan agenda? Please feel free to discuss below...

[dyinggoosenoises]

1-25 new years ask game

yesssss

1. Song of the year?

Good As It Gets by Little Hurt

2. Album of the year?

I don’t really listen to albums

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Noah Kahan

4. Movie of the year?

uhhh I don’t watch many movies but probably Nimona

5. TV show of the year?

Young Royals :]]

6. Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

hm I’m not really sure what this question is asking

7. Favorite actor of the year?

Ruby Cruz 😌😌

8. Game of the year?

Board game or video game? I don’t really play board games unless it’s with my family so my favourite video game was Tears of The Kingdom

9. Best month for you this year?

August for so many reasons

10. Something that made you cry this year?

I cried a lot but the worst was probably when I threw up a ton on our trip to Europe and sobbed for like an hour straight

11. Something you want to do again next year?

Uhh go to winter camp with pathfinders

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

I became friends with this girl from pathfinders and now we’re pretty close!

13. How was your birthday this year?

It was fun! I invited some friends over and we hung out

14. Favorite book you read this year?

My current read, Gwen & Art Are Not In Love

15. What's a bad habit you picked up this year?

I didn’t pick it up this year, but my nail biting has definitely gotten worse

16. Post a picture from the beginning of the year

I don’t actually have many pictures of myself so this one is from May lol (this is my favourite dress literally ever btw)

(also this photo is from right after I tripped and scraped my elbow really badly so you can see the bandage)

17. Post a picture from the end of the year

The most recent photo of myself that I have is the absolute worst quality but oh well

18. A memorable meal this year?

Umm idk my mum’s beef stew??

19. What're you excited about for next year?

Going on a trip with pathfinders to Toronto!

20. What's something you learned this year?

I learned that I am not in fact a girl

21. What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

I got a new window in my room, and we redid the upstairs floors to hardwood instead of carpet

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

Ireland and Scotland (and England) definitely, I’ve got some really pretty pictures from there

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

I’d tell myself that it’s okay to still be figuring myself out

24. Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

I didn’t have any in the first place

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

I already described Ozzy and Micha when I answered this the other time so instead I’m gonna tell you about Claire. She’s my pjo OC and she’s a daughter of Iris. She’s 23 and she basically adopted Ozzy. She works a part time job while getting her degree in New Rome, and is slowly falling in love with a non binary classmate that I haven’t named yet

[claireelle18]

Long Live - Ross Colton

A/N: I wrote this up after hearing the news about Colton going to the Avs and also blasting Taylor Swift. I felt like it just made sense in this situation.

“And the Tampa Bay Lightning are your 2021 Stanley Cup Champions! Back to back!” The announcement shook through the arena. Air thick with electricity as realization kicked in. The team had done it. A back to back Stanley Cup run. Kings of NHL - a powerhouse of a team. Photographs snapped in every direction, smiles bright, whole body shaking with the adrenaline, as everyone tried to capture the moment. As fans started to exit into the downtown area, the team welcomed their families onto the ice to soak in the moment of what just became reality. 

After coming off of last years run, the team had been determined to make another run for this years cup, holding the reins. Once a dream, Lord Stanley hoisted by team captain Steven Stamkos. “Remember this moment, here and now. Soak it all in babe,” she remarked to her boyfriend. He stood like a deer when caught in the headlights of a car, wide eye. By morning, if not earlier due to social media, the pictures would be on every major local tabloid. 

“We are going down in franchise history as the team who brought back to back cups,” one of the guys chirped. “We will be remembered.” 

Flash forward to the post season of the 2022-2023 season. Passing pictures around of that time as it came time to say goodbye to the town that created the player he was today tugged on his heart strings a bit more. All those years of work for him, his family cheering him on. She stood by his side, on the sidelines - whether that was physically or following along over social media, for every little victory, including a third Stanley Cup Final and then being kicked out in round one of the next year’s playoffs. 

He never dreamt that he’d trade in his minor jerseys years ago to earning his NHL branded one. 

Memories that were embedded into those walls, into the city, photographed and tucked away into an album to look back on years later. Waiting for those who asked the stories behind each photo. Looking at the boxes stacked containing those years in their city, ready to be unpacked in the coming week. Into a new place. In a new city, across the country.

She sat in a corner with the album. Small salty drops dripped onto the protective plastic. “Loves what is it?” he asked, concerned. 

“I’ve had the time of my life, watching as you built your career, cheering you on. It’s just wild to think of the start of it all to now.” Not long after he came to Tampa is when the two met. She was the one to ask him for his number, but he asked for the date. 

“Are you worried about the move?” 

“More worried about the change for us.” News came a few days prior to Draft Day. Tampa couldn’t keep him, and the Colorado Avs offered a trade deal to acquire him. Moving away from the city that brought them together, onto the next adventure. “I know it’s not ideal, but I’m scared that if fate steps in, forcing a goodbye between us,” a hushed voice followed by a small sob explained. That fear of the change to come would tear the couple apart. She’d help him move, then tie up her part in Tampa, before coming out to Colorado, joining him. 

His heart ached for her. “It’s not gonna happen. No goodbyes, a few see ya laters just like always. Just like this is an away game trip hunny. When our children point to the pictures - you’re going to explain the love story we created, and then explain it to our grandchildren.” 

She questioned, “Children?” He nodded his head, scooting to rest on one knee. 

“Ideally, this would have been more planned, but I think we need some magic and we need to create a happy memory in our new home.” The new home that she helped pick out, because even with this upside-down shock, he wanted…needed her there. In their home. A black velvet box appears from his pants pocket. “Marry me.” Not a question, a statement because he was so sure of his future with her, no matter where the two went or the universe threw in their direction.

Nodding, more tears cascading down her face, pulling him in for a kiss. She noticed the uniqueness of the glittering ring that adorned her ring finger. “What’s the story behind it?” 

“I know you prefer an older style for jewelry, so I had a stone that was in my family cut into that pear shape, the outside adorned with sapphires to represent where we met and fell in love. Long live us, our relationship - no matter what is thrown our way.” 

[livvyofthelake]

speak now taylor’s version as a grishaverse concept album: a post.

mine. at first i was like. this is a kanej song… and then i was like no it’s too sweet for kanej this is a wesper song. and i stand by that. you made a rebel if a careless man’s careful. son. i guess. whatever

sparks fly. now THIS is kanej!! and you stood there in front of me just close enough to touch!! close enough to hope you couldn’t see what i was thinking of!!!

back to december. genya about alina for real…. genya goes back to december all the time…. wishing she realized what she had when alina was hers….. whatEVER though.

speak now. mal!!!!! can be him about alina marrying blondie for political reasons or about alina being close to the darkling that time he came to the little palace to report on the stag. he is a jealous bitch!! we love it

dear john. do i even need to say it. literally alina about the darkling. he’s an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry never impressed by her aceing his tests. he’ll add her name to a long list of traitors who don’t understand and she’ll look back and regret she ignored when they said run as fast as you can. don’t you think she was too young to be messed with. she stole his matches before fire could catch her so don’t look now she’s shining like fireworks over his sad empty town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he needs to kill himself

mean. he would hate me saying this but. kaz about pekka rollins…. someday i’ll be living in a big old city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean!!!

the story of us. veryyyy kanej. tbh. um you held your pride like you should have held me. why are we pretending this is nothing. she’s standing alone in a crowded room and they’re not speaking. the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now….. I WOULD LAT MY ARMOR DOWN IF YOU SAY YOU’D RATHER LOVE THAN FIGHT. so many things that you wish i knew but the story of us might be ending soon!!!!!! i don’t even care that much whatever.

never grow up. ok well like fuck this song first of all. cried. idk why i thought i wouldn’t like girl you KNOW you’re in an emotionally vulnerable place rn jesus. this one defies blorboification because it’s so crazy but also it’s about alina in the sense that alina is also about me. ok sorry that when i saw alina finally get to the little palace and her new room completely alien to her with nothing familiar but the scars on her body and she’s finally alone for the first time since everything changed overnight and she just immediately breaks down sobbing crying keeling over i immediately was like ummmm she’s gonna be huge for me rn and then i cried so hard i almost threw up and now i’m here. ok. well whatever. you know how sometimes you go to a family reunion and you see your cousin who got married when you were in third grade and you wore a pink tie die sundress and matching pink flip flops and the reception was in a cool barn with little lights all around and there was a weird decorative edible flower on your plate at dinner that you didn’t eat because you were 8 and you thought that was weird and your cousin (the one who just got married) wanted to dance with you and you were 8 so you didn’t want to and you still kinda feel bad about the fact that you were in a bad mood at a wedding when you were 8 but you can’t really do anything about it now and anyway that’s hardly the point if anything because he’s got two daughters now and the youngest is only 5 and she has the same little haircut you had when you were a kid and the same blue eyes and the same shy demeanor and she’s wearing the cutest pink outfit and you just want to cry when you look at her and then your cousin asks you if you would paint her nails because she hasn’t been playing with the other kids there that much and she feels left out and she liked your nails and so you do it and her hands are so little because she’s only five and she’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life and she reminds you of yourself way too much and you just want to cry because you were also the kid at the family reunion that didn’t really get included in playing with the other kids but now you can look at her and do something nice for her and smile at her and be someone for her that no one was for you and like i’m so fucking normal guys i’m not even crying at all lol. lmao even. fuck you taylor

enchanted. ok well. genyalina. what if i said i thought genya helped stop alina from communicating with mal in part because she was jealous that alina loved him.

better than revenge. alina core. she hates women sometimes but don’t worry it’s just because she’s gay and doesn’t know. anyway her about zoya but like literally nothing happened she’s just insane <3

innocent. i’m going to be honest i have never heard this song in full and i’m not about to start now. who cares

haunted. kanej!!!! they walk a fragile line….

last kiss. well i’m not qualified to speak on this but i imagine when mal and alina had to separate in the show this is them. again. i don’t know what i’m saying. anyway it’s also nina and matthias i guess but who cares about them

long live. it was not within me to listen to this tonight but like i know the song and it’s about alina……….. also the crows….. (actually this song has always been about my friends the pevensies but we are making this a grishaverse concept album tonight and we aren’t talking about them rn. but just letting you know there is a deeper priority here. peace and love)

ours. malina!!!!!! don’t you worry your pretty little mind people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard the stakes are high the waters rough but this love is ours!!!! 🫶🫶🫶🫶

superman. mal…. go save the world i’ll be around…. etc.

electric touch. MAL AND ALINA. HER ELECTRIC TOUCH COULD FILL THIS GHOST TOWN UP WITH LIFE. also it’s kinda lucie and jesse core but we’re not talking about that rn. also i guess it could be a jesper and wylan song but like. alina literally has an electric touch. in a way.

when emma falls in love. nina is soooo emma…. inej is the narrator also

i can see you. this is so kanej i could throw up. i didn’t even finish the song it was too much but just trust me it’s kanej

castles crumbling. ALINAAAAAAAAA

foolish one. oh this one’s EASY. book wylan about jesper and also show inej about kaz. duh. except the bridge which is about blondie wanting to fuck mal so bad it makes him look stupid.

timeless. first of all this is so loved you before by peach prc core. secondly malina core. thirdly beronica core frankly. whatever.

also if if this was a movie was on the correct album i would be saying it was about malina i guess but taylor decided to be ultra lame.

[everythingodysseydd]

@aeide & @findusinaweek I finally put it all in one place!

A few notes first:

I have two types of music... Good music and fandom music. The first one bleeds into the second on occasion, but 90% of the time those two categories mutually exclusive. Be forewarned.

I’m gender-bending and mid-line pov swapping all over the place, so expect that. I’m also terrible about tossing lines that don’t work and keeping songs purely for choruses, concepts, and single lines. This is a living list, so this original post is the best place to look.

Okay, so starting general and then haphazardly chronological:

Walking with Giants (Rachel Sandy): Just general. All over Odyssey.

2. Start A War (Klergy, Valerie Broussard): Again, everywhere.

3. Blood // Water - Acoustic (grandson): Nikolaos-focused, especially toward the end of the game, but all throughout. Greed is the wrong word, but the rest.

4. Brasidas (ACO Soundtrack): Might’ve been in my Top 5 last year…. xD

5. You're the One (Tracy Chapman): I love her so much and putting this to Brasidas' perspective really makes me laugh. That is all 😂

6. Wild Child (The Black Keys): When fandom sneaks into my actual music it always makes me laugh. This barely applies, but I've laughed about it in Kassidas context, so it's here in the most lighthearted way possible. I take my ships seriously most of the time, I swear xD

7. A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton): Pure reminiscence for one of @findusinaweek’s old posts that really made me smile <3

8. Enemies (Shinedown): Look, it works for Deimos, okay? xD

9. Dive Deep (Andrew Belle): You know when something completely unrelated in the shuffle just makes the writing write, so it ends up on repeat? That’s what happened here. Completely unrelated, but the second and third chapters of Korinthia spent some time with this one. It helped that he enunciates so poorly that I didn’t catch the words until later. They do work, surprisingly. They’re a bit uh… They didn’t hurt the vibe, let's just say that... 👀

10. Whirlwind (JOSEPH): This is a general Kassandra theme for me, but especially through Korinthia. Once it builds up into its full chaos I really love the vibe. Most Kassidas scenes have some element of this on the writing side. Korinthia’s Ch.3 section was fleshed out almost entirely to this at very high volume.

11. Spark (Ed Sheeran): This came round the same way Dive Deep did. I was listening to Ed’s new album at my sister’s request (she’s a huge fan) and this one just worked while I was drafting choreography for Korinthia Ch.3. Most of the lyrics conveniently work as well. *shrugs*

12. Myrrine (ACO Soundtrack): I see this threaded through a lot, but especially in Sparta, Athens, and Euboea. Anytime Kassandra is really going through it or is struggling to see Alexios through the Deimos mask.

13. Twisted (MISSIO): Deimos perspective. Something about it is particularly jarring to me, but in an intentionally lazy, offhanded way?

14. I Don’t Even Care About You (MISSIO): Deimos again, and again, not my favorite, but here functionally.

15. Bad Blood (Bastille): Deimos again. This one I enjoy a lot more. The indifferent annoyance. Essentially, ‘We’re never getting away from each other. Let’s stop pretending this can be different and get on with it.’

16. Born For This (The Score): I actually have this song for another fandom (TCW / TBB, which it actually works for), but every time I think of it in a Spartan context I laugh so hard I had to put it here for kicks. Particularly that northern campaign when it needs some light-heartening. Sobbing over here, don't mind me.

17. Monster (STARSET): Deimos generally. I actually like the concepts here a LOT. There’s a line in Warmth on the Mountain about the EB being the center of Deimos’ world by the end and I really love that fixation idea. That’s in here. The idea of trusting your redemption to the people who destroyed you in the first place… the Can you change me? // Will you cage me? thought dichotomy… Lots of little things in here.

18. Devour (Shinedown): I’ve loved the sound of this one for ages, but hate the content 😂 It finds a decent home in Deimos though. And if it lands anywhere, it’s probably post-Kleon betrayal as everything unravels for them.

19. Hurricane (Tommee Profitt, Fleurie): Battle of Amphipolis. This is in here purely for a concept – that sudden sensory loss and stillness in the middle of chaotic shock. I want to pull that sensation, but haven’t captured it yet, so it's here as a reminder. ALSO, that line, ‘I am aching now to let you in’ – the missed opportunity gets a little extra love from me <3

20-22. Honor Him, Elysium, & Now We Are Free (in that order – Gladiator Soundtrack): For me, these overview all the immediate events after Amphipolis. Forget Gladiator, they were just easy instrumentals to write to, and then I learned the words of Now We Are Free and might have become very, very, very attached to them, particularly this part:

We regret our sins, but // We sow our own fate and // Under my face I remain feeble // Under my face I smile // Even alone/afraid // Under my face I will be waiting

I mean …😫 Can’t you just imagine if those were part of the procession and then repeated in the Underworld when when we learn Brasidas refused Elysium and is putting himself through this??? (Because if he’s there at all, HE chose it – canon can fuck off as far as I'm concerned). The lyrics of this song as a lament over the situation and a call to come to terms with the past????? I'm not going to do it, but I mean…

I also really love the emotional path of Now We Are Free for an actual funeral procession. Since Brasidas was esteemed as a liberator, beloved by the city he died successfully defending, I see the event as a celebratory lament for a city who's populace mostly knew him as the personification of an idea more than a person. When you add the warriors' death glorification layer that Sparta had going on, it just sorta fits? And with the ashes and hypotheses that follow, I imagine Kassandra staying up to the moment his body is gone. The beginning of that song is procession, then the cut back to drumsticks and immediate uptick afterward are the lighting of a pyre. The sound fall that follows is the return to self, where the misthios, not ready for joy, takes a last look at empty flames and slips away into the night alone.

I despise it... but it wormed its way in and it’s not coming out 😂

23. Overjoyed (Bastille): There’s a lot of Bastille in this list. I don’t usually listen to them, but I swear most of this album was written for this specifically. This one was part of my early mourning process and is my excuse for writing 6k-10k word conversations I can’t cut down…

24. I Ran (So Far Away) - Epic Trailer Version (Hidden Citizens): Post-Amphipolis. Kassandra’s not big on processing. This is a bit overkill for me, but it's here regardless. Concept pull.

25. Daniel In The Den (Bastille): Felled in the night by the ones you think you love. Pessimism post-Amphipolis. ^This referring to Brasidas’ death at Alexios hands, which is the tipping point on a scale that had been sliding for a while. By Amphipolis, Kassandra thinks she'd found common ground with Deimos in Athens (not realizing how personally he would take her escape and silence afterward), and was double blindsided. It’s the drudgery and the Cult of Kosmos and Sparta and Deimos, all in one. It’s the backbone of what pushes her to hunt the cult after what happens in the north.

26. These Streets (Bastille): Kassandra post-Amphipolis. Sparta becomes too much. It’s the place of too many memories, all around. She makes a (temporary) decision to be done with it.

27. War (Poets of the Fall): This was here for a handful of lines that I circled for a while and drew a couple concepts from. If I can let the memory heal // I will remember you with me on that field // When I thought that I fought this war on my own // You were there by my side because before Korinth she has people, but not anyone who’s brought all the way inside. With his background, he easily becomes that person. Also a bit of With no one wearing their real face // It’s a whiteout of emotion // And I’ve only got my brittle bones to break the fall // So will you please show me your real face? Because I was suspicious he was a Cult plant for a longggg time. Too good to be true 😂 Fic Kassandra shakes that sooner than I did, but it plays a part. It’s since come off this list, but it’s back for you all 😂

28. War of Hearts (Ruelle): This whole idea of trying not to love someone is just very Kassidas to me. I headcanon that she never makes a pass at him in the game because it’s clearly more serious and that’s a LOT, considering.

29. Deep End (Ruelle): Not resisting the post-Amphipolis spiral.

30. I Found (Amber Run): Found this one on Tumblr’s Kassidas tag… 😫

31. Burning House (Cam): Post-Amphipolis. Technically country, but I’ve loved this song since the very first time I heard it. The fire imagery sticks from Korinth and I headcanon Kassandra carrying a LOT of guilt for Brasidas’ death, alongside the grief she’s experiencing. With that and everything else that comes crashing down in Amphipolis, I headcanon that she hardly sleeps all the way to Pephka, which is a later segment.

32. Hospital (Lydia): Wallowing. Just wallowing 😂

33. Icarus (Bastille): For Kassandra it’s not substances, it’s a dissociative Cult-killing spree, but that’s neither here nor there. Completely a perversion of the myth. And yet it still worked its way into Myrinne’s letter in Euboea, because I’m awful. Lmao.

34. Fading (Decyfer Down): I’ve been obsessed with that lyric, ‘unshackled and unbound’ since I was a weird, angsty teen and finally finding a home for it in the Pephka Arena makes me SO HAPPY. Again, swapping substances for murderous tendencies though xD This connects to this headcanon.

35. Centuries (Fall Out Boy): Pephka Arena. This is what happens when you're an entire library shuffler. I have no excuses 😂

36. From Where You Are (Lifehouse): I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face. This has been a mainstay on my BSG Kara/Lee playlist for YEARS because of this awful video that vented a whole lot of teenage grief for me (that I'll never be over), but it’s an easy song to write wistful, nostalgic scenes to because it’s so even-toned. That lyric ^^ grabbed me in particular, because I did Port of Lawlessness at golden hour (doomed to fall, clearly) and couldn’t stop looking at his arms in that light 🤣🤣🤣 I use this post-Pephka arena when she’s first started to heal and is finally capable of remembering him, but it also comes back in the post-game when she’s finally come home to Sparta.

37. Waves (Dean Lewis): Just general pining, but of a *slightly* healthier variety.

38. Song for Zula (Phosphorescent): Another Nikolaos song. I ignore one lyric at the beginning, but gah. These lyrics KILL me. It’s about the grief and anger of being broken by a relationship and still feeling that enduring emotional attachment you can’t quite shake. I’m in love with it. Might be my favorite on the whole list. It’s Kassandra collecting the pieces after Boeotia and wrestling with the same in Euboea where he finds her again. They (mostly) work past this later, but it's SO perfect for most of the game.

I saw love // You see, it came to me… // It put its face up to my face so I could see // Then I saw Love disfigure me

You will not see me fall // Nor see me struggle to stand // To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hand

39. Carnival of Rust (Poets of the Fall): A high^ and a low. Lmao. I have an adversarial relationship with this one. I DO NOT LIKE IT, but just like Dive Deep and Spark, the MUSIC (NOT the lyrics - repeat, NOT the lyrics) accidentally ended up being what I needed to write Brasidas’ first scene in the Underworld and it’s forever, horrifically, attached to it. It makes me laugh in an ***extremely*** irritated way. Helps me remember not to take myself too seriously, because… *Facepalm*

WRITING FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IS HARD, OKAY?!

40. Foreigner’s God (Hozier): There are only about 5 seconds I actually apply to ACO, but something about “Her eyes looked sharp and steady into the empty parts of me” is just so strikingly Kassidas, especially for that early Underworld segment. Sometimes I think the whole song fits if you really force it, but mostly it's just that line ;)

41. Blood And Fire (Indigo Girls): I'm obsessed with their voices, but extra in this song. It’s not a perfect fit for me, but POV swapping all over the place, I feel like there are tons of snippets. And something about I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give // Give back as much as I need // And then still have the will to live just makes me laugh so. damn. hard. Brasidas being dead has nothing to do with this for me. Kassandra is just... it makes me snicker.

42. Let It All Go (RHODES, Birdy): Underworld angst. Sitting on that relational precipice before the fall, alongside the next song, trying to break past the rules they created for themselves in life so they can get to that next space they both need for healing. I headcanon their physical chemistry in the game being naturally very Port of Lawlessness, but they keep from the complicated explosion that would become by leaning into the rigidity of their professional roles and goals (canon). They share a common goal in Korinth... He uses his position to help her with citizenship in Sparta… She comes to him as a misthios to Pylos and Amphipolis... That structure keeps things easy. It’s an excuse to connect/disconnect without addressing the rest. During the game, she uses that crutch and he lets her have it. In the Underworld *he* needs it, but by that point, she's not as gracious. Breaking anything rigid is daunting though, especially in grief ❤️

If we’re strong enough to let it in // If we’re strong enough to let it go

43. For Me, It’s You (Lo Moon): Sitting in the same tension as above^.

44. Mountain and the Sea (Ingrid Michaelson): At one point (I think while she’s pushing back against his decision to stay in the underworld) I have Kassandra characterize Brasidas as the cliffs beside the wild tempest sea (Kassandra 😂), because up until that point he always has such a steady grasp on things. Everywhere he goes, he has things well in hand - that presence of mind. Even at Amphipolis, the (real) numbers and results tell that story. They're equally formidable, but by a different approach, built by different methods. And when she comes up against him for the first time there, she appreciates it less. When this came up in my shuffle sometime later, I couldn’t resist. And the gender-bent refrain ‘you can move me’ makes me laugh, because that's the story there, even though Kassandra doesn’t realize that deeper piece of the analogy at the time. He ends up HAPPILY in Elysium, dammit. Screw Ubi.

45. Take What I Can Get (Mathew Mayfield): The line that I couldn’t get away from was You’re still locked inside me, holding on. Something about that lyric just hits it for me.

46. Walk Through the Fire (Zayde Wolf, Ruelle): Kassandra-view in the Underworld. It’s hopeless, but we’re finally processing at least.

47. Demons at the Door (Sleeping Wolf): Hmm... Let’s just say this lightheartedly connects to a very specific scene in the Underworld and leave it at that. Breaking some rigidity. When it comes to workshopping ships, the cringiest part of my soul makes an appearance. It is what it is 😂

48. In My Veins - Feat. Erin Mccarley (Andrew Belle): This one was the sound support to some Underworld writing sessions… I rediscovered it (for completely unrelated, unromantic reasons) around the same time I was writing that and it happened to stick.

49. Follow You (Bring Me the Horizon): This one came from Tumblr’s Kassidas tag too. I’m not a huge fan, but the second half does make me laugh about the Underworld portion. And shipping in general... mostly shipping in general XD

50. Light (Sleeping at Last): EXCLUSIVELY SKIPPING TO 1:55. NOTHING BEFORE THAT. (I see Phoibe as Kassandra’s pseudo-child, but everything before that point in the song is irrelevant). For me, the second half of this song is loosely how I felt finding Phoibe in the Underworld. That scene is so gut-wrenching. The awe of the person. The unfulfillable promises. The ‘I’ll do better’ refrain… especially that, but tipped further toward grief. I see this all being part of Kassandra’s internal journey there. There’s nothing she can do, being alive. There’s no promise she can actually make.

51. Silhouette (Aquilo): Phoibe 😫 Sometimes I swing it towards Brasidas in the Underworld, but so much of it is Phoibe’s piece there. Blending the two probably works best.

52. Holding On and Letting Go (Ross Copperman): The stillness and peace that exists in the underworld portion after Kassidas sorts themselves out. There's an underlying calm, despite everything else.

53. Be On Your Way (Daughter): Preparing to part ways in the Underworld - Kassandra on with her tasks, and others on to Elysium. I'm really attached to this one.

54. My Darling (Ingrid Michaelson): I don’t love the first few lines, but all the rest. There are a lot of ways you could apply this one, a lot of relationships, but peak is probably at that second Taygetos moment.

55. Who Are You (SVRCINA): Deimos & Kassandra again, especially in the foundations of their post-game relationship. For that final Cult quest as he’s still very raw. I’m a little obsessed with this one.

56. I Won’t Let You Go (Switchfoot): I’m nothing if not a child of my era and here's proof, lmao. This is a song I took a lot of comfort in at one specific moment in my life (as the subject, not the singer), and I use it for the Kassandra & Alexios relationship at various points too, but especially post-game. The idea that you can’t fix a person’s circumstance, but you can fiercely love them and choose to stay beside them. That.

57. Tally Marks (JOSEPH): I've heard every Joseph song 85k times and can pick them apart in tiny segments, so this is probably just worth skipping for everyone else. It’s written romantically so I’m being VERY selective and filtering out a TON, but there are a couple lyric sets midway through that I LOVE for the tension between Kassandra & Alexios in their early post-game days:

What you’ve done cannot be undone… // But you’ll wake up to another sun.

There just aren’t enough words to describe the chasm between those two thoughts, you know? That gap is the vibe of all the early post-game days. But also,

I’ve got a sense about you // Under your hood, there’s a man that I knew // His eyes are fire and his hands are true // Where is he? // Where are you?

My hope is to be able to find some version of non-Deimos Alexios eventually, because Alexios is such an amazing character.

58. Control (Halsey): Deimos’ internal conflict after coming home to a Sparta who fundamentally hates him while fighting to find a new life. The push/pull of fighting not to become people’s expectations is just… 🙌 Concept pull.

59. Find My Way Back (Eric Arjes): Alexios & Kassandra again. I love this idea of her clinging to him for his benefit, but the same happening in inverse without her realizing. The two of them becoming each other’s counterbalance. I’ve also swapped it toward thinking about Brasidas in Elysium in moments, but I like it for the siblings better.

60. Hold on for Your Life (Acoustic) (Sam Tinnesz): This one is on thin ice, but when I let it lean in on Alexios & Kassandra in post-game quiet moments, I still like it barely enough to keep it.

61. Right Here (Ashes Remain): This song makes me cringe badly, but between the siblings, the line ‘I will always be the one who took your place’ has something that's been bugging me forever and I just haven’t drawn out exactly what that is yet, so until I unlock that tidbit its stuck here. The song means it sacrificially, but its something else entirely in my brain. First time Taygetos... Inconclusive thoughts.

62. Don’t Hold Me (Dean Lewis): More post-game moments on Deimos’ end mostly. (Also possibly washes toward Kassandra at the end of her stay in Athens, realizing there’s a reason Alexios keeps coming back to talk. She starts to feel his leaning in and is pretty listless at that point.) It's a stronger Thalexios song to me, but there's juuuuust enough to keep it here.

63. Honest (JOSEPH): The first half of this song especially has always been a favorite of mine. I love the idea that we’re never as alone as we think AND this is sung by siblings, so that callback portion is full of those rich family dynamics I LOVE. Applies to post-game everything.

64. Keeping Your Head Up (Birdy): Post-game all around. They’ve got a messy 4-way lift happening. Plus, when I first heard this song I misheard the chorus as ‘I’ve been giving you hell’ and honestly that fits everyone in this family so well 🤣

Honestly though, way bigger is that something about this song feels EXACTLY like co-regulation to me. That's a crisis tool where you use one person's calm nervous system to stabilize another, often through physical contact. Like hugs? That might be why. I've been the anchor for a number of people and it’s a really powerful tool, especially for pairs who have a strong bond. If you don't have that before, you absolutely do after. As much sparring and tight-quartering as these siblings do in my imagined post-game, I imagine that being a big (accidental, unnamed) part of their recovery.

65. Coming Home - Part II / Bonus Track (Skylar Grey): I’ll probably never write this portion, but these last two songs are the shift to airy Elysium at the end of Kassandra’s NATURAL life. The original song made its radio debut while I was a teenager struggling to process the death of a peer, so it’s always been laced with a sweet sort of grief-release for me. This cover is much softer. I particularly like the first couple lines, which are specific to this version.

66. Beautiful (Trading Yesterday): Not quite my speed, but this is in here because I love some of the imagery. Summer rain to wash away the winter stain and The morning sun inviting the dawn to break. There’s a freshness to the imagery that I want to try to extract if I ever do write that Elysium portion. I have a visual flow for it all, but am not sure I have the skill to make it as simultaneously light and grounded as I’d need. *shrugs*

And stolen from other's playlists:

67. White Flag (Dido): Just one that makes me laugh about shipping in general, but applies a little too closely to all things Brasidas for me. He's the real ship for me. Everyone else is bonus xD

68. Brasidas (Justin Bianco): Because why not?

69. Run Boy Run (Woodkid): How I feel about the approach to Amphipolis and the whole northern campaign (and just Brasidas in general 😭). He would never, but here we are.

70. Korivantes (Avlites): Such great chaos and order. I love it.

71. Leveler (Half Waif): ❤️

72. Recording 15 (Shannon Lay): Also ❤️

73. Shattering The Hourglass (Deep Sea Diver): Such a good insert for early Underworld to me.

74. Upward Over the Mountain (Iron & Wine): Myrrine / Kassandra. So many thoughts❤️

75. exile (Taylor Swift, Bon Iver): This one hit me months later and I had to come back and add it. Myrrine, with all her history and relationships. I love her so dearly.

76. Bloodstream (Stateless): I blame aeide!

77. She Just Likes to Fight (Four Tet): Just background :)

77. The Phone Book (Editors): Destroying me in the best way possible. I seriously can't even with this song. Strong Alexidas leaning ;)

[cornsobsessions]

2 + 14 +16?

2. Album of the year?

gonna have to go with Stick Season (We’ll All Be Here Forever) by Noah Kahan. it came out this year and also it just Hit. i’d listened to the original stick season release before and was like meh and then listened to the extended version when it was released and just couldn’t stop

14. Favorite book you read this year?

i know i have mentioned it like 10 million times but Daughers of the Deer by Danielle Daniel. read the whole thing in a day i just couldn’t put it down and absolutely Sobbed my eyes out at the end even though i knew what was coming. a beautiful, powerful, absolutely heartbreaking novel.

16. Post a picture from the beginning of the year

ok i like never post or talk about my photography on here but the end of 2022 into 2023 i was working on my first like real photography project and i’m super proud of how it turned out (now just to do something with it lol) anyways here is a small series from venice in early january

pls don’t steal them <3 (i am not tagging my photography account to keep some media separation in my life but if you are really interested in seeing more dm me)

End of the Year Asks!

[w4nnab3be4utyqu33n]

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

I always wanna sob seeing messages like this. Like, im so grateful that people out there care about me and want the best for me, but i just hate that i can never find such people irl. Im alone most of the time and no one has ever cared when i told them about my issues. I would kill to reach out to someone but there's no one who'll listen. I hate how hard this has to be :(

[dearly-somber]

Since Redamancy is here, I no longer have an excuse not to read this 🤡, so, here we go!

Shrouded in black, you nearly assumed he was your sleep paralysis demon…

I may have done the nose(?) thing at this line and I’m literally only on the first paragraph (sigh)

Maybe the thing that burned in your lungs was the fact that whatever it was wasn’t much of anything at all.

Okay. I see how it is. This is going to pain, pain, and more pain. Not ready. Let’s keep going.

Have I ever told you how much I love your use of similes and metaphors? No? Well I fucking adore your use of similes and metaphors, Miss Jade. Your writing constantly showcases how strong similes/ metaphors can really add to any piece of literature, and I just…

mwah.

he counted the days since he last saw her oH NO.

You were home, and now his house was haunted. A ghost.

crying. weeping. sobbing. fuck off (affectionate).

It took everything you had not to fall to your knees.

Why THE FUCK are my eyes burning, huh? I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS EMOTIONAL FFS.

“I had a dream about bulgogi last night that was borderline sexual, so keep that in mind.”

I love his characterization here, first off. Second off, THANK HUMOR; RESPITE.

If he was so dead-set on re-breaking his own heart, he’d do it with you in his arms.

i’m going to stare at the ceiling for hours after this, i’m sure. The amount of pure fucking heartache I’m feeling right now is borderline illegal.

… leaving clouds of indigo behind.

I have no idea if this was posted before or after the album dropped, but this is just yes. Just yes. Also the way you write their smut? Fucking. Yes. Goals.

Shivering, slack-jawed, and stupid…

HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LOVE ALLITERATION?

“I’ll trade you for it.”

(insert incoherent noises of both happiness and unbearable cry-baby tears here)

I’m always so amazed at your writing, jade, it’s astounding how good you are. If I could I’d scream it at you with my whole heart and chest, but alas, the best I can do is metaphorically cry into your shoulder because ouch? Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Breaks my heart, and knowing this is something so close to your heart makes it even more fucking heart-wrenchingly beautiful, I can’t fathom it.

I really love the way you wrote the smut scene. It’s kind of rough, but still somehow feels like they’re making love and not just fucking to fuck, you know? Like you can sense and see and feel the love underneath it all.

I’m kind of pissed at myself for leaving this for so long, but at the very least I won’t have to wait for the sequel 🥹🫶🏻

As usual, a 10/10, would recommend.

lacuna (knj)

lacuna (n): a blank space, a missing part

In his twenty-eight years, Kim Namjoon had made countless mistakes. Most of them were insignificant and could be shoved easily enough into the back corner of his mind. The worst of them were all tied for first place, keeping him up at night.

Loving you, losing you, and now – picking up the phone. 

Pairing: Ex!Kim Namjoon x Fem!Reader Type: One-Shot (Angst, Smut - 18+ or else.) Word Count: Like, 7K (?!) Content: ex-boyfriend au; exes to something?; literally so much angst; yearning; pov switches; oral sex (f receiving); unprotected sex; p in v penetration; cursing; texts from Yoongi. A/N: For reasons unknown, I decided to break my own heart today! The lyrics you'll see below are from "Sooner" by The Low Blow. There's also a reference to one of my favorite tv shows at the end - did you catch it? (1/9/23) The sequel, Redamancy, is finally here!

Sitting cross-legged on the rug, your weary, unfocused eyes stared somewhere in the vicinity of Min Yoongi. Shrouded all in black, you nearly assumed he was your sleep paralysis demon, hunched over his keyboard with his eyes narrowed in thought – but you hadn’t slept much at all lately. Not with your deadline looming overhead like the sword of Damocles. 

He relayed what was already looping through your brain. “It’s missing something.” 

You scrubbed your hands over your face, too burnt out to care if your foundation stayed where it was supposed to. “I know,” was all you said, though it wasn’t all you were thinking. Listening to this demo – this crushing song about love lost – you knew what was missing. Or rather, who. 

Once again reading your mind, Yoongi spoke with a wary sigh. This time, he said the quiet part out loud. “Listen, I know that on a personal level, this is a terrible idea. But if you really want this track to ache –” 

“I’ll call him.” 

Yoongi turned to look at you over his shoulder. He, like you, hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours; but his surprise still managed to crack through an otherwise impassive expression.

“You sure you want to be the one?” His frown was microscopic, but it was there and it bruised. “I have to hit him up, anyway, so I can handle this for you.” 

You’d never told him – or any of your friends, come to think of it – the details of your whatever it was with Namjoon. You couldn’t call it a breakup; that would necessitate a relationship. You couldn’t comfortably assign that word to this indescribable something.

But maybe that’s precisely why it hurt to breathe when you thought too hard about it. Maybe the thing that burned in your lungs was the fact that whatever it was wasn’t much of anything at all. 

The universally known narrative was that you met Kim Namjoon at a release party two years prior. After years of putting out extended plays, he was dropping his highly anticipated, full-length masterpiece.

That’s what your label called it; that’s what the press called it; but you couldn’t agree. That word wasn’t heavy enough – it didn’t give due credit to the pieces of himself he broke down and buried within those twelve tracks. You felt seen when you heard it. When you saw him, it was game over. 

As the story goes, you went home with him that night. While true, it was the tiniest fragment sitting sharp at the tip of an iceberg. The rest was an ill-equipped ship, sailing in slow-motion through the dark. 

He'd spent the entirety of his celebration focused on you. What you thought; what you wanted for yourself; what made that tipsy, uninhibited giggle come flying out of your chest. And then, holding his hand like it’d been tailor-made for yours, you followed his lead out of there while confused partygoers murmured in your wake. 

He fucked you like he knew you – on a cellular level – and he looked at you like you were all there was. You’d spent the entirety of the following day there, draped over him or nestled underneath him. You were never not touching in some way – in the little interludes of sleep; while cooking a breakfast too big for the two of you alone; on every surface of his apartment. 

He changed your life in those twenty-four hours, but not enough for it to stick. 

You’d spent as much time with him as you could in the year afterward, until your twin ambitions sent you both rocketing in other directions. Your various obligations never allowed you to be in the same place for long; and when they did, it was over too soon. No amount of time would ever feel like enough, but half a day, here and there, felt like a cosmic joke. Like the universe was punishing you for wanting everything, all at once. 

Eventually, you came to a fork in the road. 

His career, though international, was rooted in Korea – home. Yours took you to Los Angeles, to a vastly different time zone, and a schedule that refused to make space. And you tried, but when it came down to choosing – idling together or racing forward alone – your respective dreams were so heavy that they tipped the scales.  

Neither of you could blame the other. After all, you’d both made the same decision. There was some small comfort in knowing that he understood you. That consolation couldn’t keep you warm at night, when you’d instinctively reach out and find half of your bed still empty.

It would’ve been so much easier to live without him if there was some horrible betrayal to pin it all on, but he was as perfect when you lost him as he was when you found him. 

Shaky legs pushed you off the ground. Without meaning to, you groaned as your body returned to its regularly scheduled programming. Yoongi simply muttered, “Same,” as he made additional adjustments in his editing software.

You affectionally touched your knuckles to his shoulder as you passed by, though you quickly realized this gesture wasn’t made to comfort him. 

You shut the door softly behind you and headed up the hallway. Having kicked off and subsequently lost your shoes several hours ago, you padded in socked feet across the hardwood. The pattern – the various evolutions of Eevee – clashed so blatantly with the extravagance around you. Glancing down, you chuckled. At least some parts of you were still recognizable. 

The door to the stairwell creaked as you pushed it open and ducked inside. No longer camped out in the soundproof studio, you could hear the smattering of raindrops as they pummeled the exterior walls of the building. Somewhere between a drum roll and machine gun fire, you couldn’t figure out if the noise emphasized or relieved your anxiety. 

Gently, you lowered yourself down on a step halfway up the flight. As you stared down at your phone, your knee bounced of its own volition. For once, you were thankful for the seventeen-hour time difference. This was the kind of call you needed to make at midnight, but one you didn’t want him receiving at midnight. It felt so much safer in daylight.

At least one of you had eyes on the sun. 

You’d deleted his number from your phone months ago because you thought it might help you let go. It didn’t. And to make matters worse, you still knew it by heart. As you typed it out easily, you wished this realization surprised you. You also wished that you’d catch him at a bad time, so you could simply leave a message. 

You’d never been lucky, though, had you?

Namjoon was half-asleep at a café table when the vibration of his phone against the wrought metal snapped him out of it. In his under-caffeinated daze, he couldn’t determine what that unbearable grinding noise was.

He could, however, see the way the elderly woman nearby was scowling at him. He furrowed his brows and blinked back at her; silently asking what the fuck her problem was. Just as silently, she pointed an angry, wrinkled finger to his tabletop. 

By the time his brain kicked into gear, he was too late. He picked up his now-quiet phone and nearly dropped it in an instant when he saw your name tied to a missed call. He didn’t think twice before returning it – he should have – having figured there was only one way to know if he was truly hallucinating. You picked up immediately in a voice so you that he couldn’t have imagined it. He knew because he'd already tried.

“Hey.” 

People who didn’t know you often mistook the natural rasp of your voice for tiredness, but he did know you. You were beyond exhausted, more so than the last time he’d heard from you. Five months and twenty-one days ago.

This sounded like another all-nighter; like you got so consumed in creating that you couldn’t sleep until you finished. Remembering you like this opened a black hole in his chest – all this fondness with nowhere to go, collapsing in on itself, pulling.

What kind of masochist was he, voluntarily subjecting himself to this conversation? 

“Hey,” He croaked. Even his voice didn't know what to do. 

He heard shuffling on your end. You always pinned your phone between your right ear and shoulder to start; he immediately knew the sound of your hair against the receiver when you switched it to your left side. Vanilla and honey flooded his nose despite the thousands of miles that separated him from the scent of your shampoo. 

There were a thousand questions spinning dizzy in his mind, but he couldn’t untangle them to spit one out. The longer you both remained quiet, the worse it got – and the worse he felt for his silence. Even without seeing you, he knew that your brows were knitting together. He knew that quiet made you feel too exposed. 

Namjoon cleared his throat to speak at the same moment you asked, “How are you?” His words echoed, a half-second from being uttered in unison. 

He prayed to any god that he’d stop feeling so nervous. There was no reason to be, not with you. You were his comfort zone, his safe space and – oh. Past tense.

Presently, you were – what, exactly? Could he call you an “ex” if you’d never had a title? It all felt too juvenile, hearing people whisper about his girlfriend. You were –fuck – You were home, and now his house was haunted.

A ghost. 

“I’ve been good,” he said quickly, planting a hollow smile on his face that wouldn’t have convinced you if you were there. Liar, liar, liar. “Busy. You sound –” 

“Awful?”

“– like you’ve been working all night.” 

He heard a sheepish chuckle and his clumsy, thudding heart went flying off into the void.

“That’s actually why I’m calling,” you admitted in a voice so tiny he nearly missed it, “And I wouldn’t be – I promise – if I could’ve bothered anyone else with this. This one, though… when I hear it in my head, I can’t imagine anyone –” 

“Say less.” 

It slipped out of him automatically. He couldn’t stop it. Now it was dangling there in dead air where he couldn’t reach it and shove it back down his throat. He must have said that to you a thousand times, giving you whatever you needed before you could even finish asking.

This was the first time he’d ever said it without punctuating it with a kiss to your forehead, though. And now, his equilibrium was off, like the staircase had one less step than he was expecting. 

When you finally broke the silence, he could’ve sworn he heard you sniffle, but he quickly kicked that thought back into the cage it escaped from. Your voice didn’t sound sad at all, so you couldn’t have been crying. Why would you be?

“I can have Yoongi send you what we have so far, lyrics too. If you’re interested, just let me know – verse, bridge, whatever you want.” 

“You’re with Yoongi?” 

It came out exactly as he hadn't intended – accusatory. It was no business of his who you spent time with, professionally or otherwise. And it didn’t even surprise him that Yoongi would stick around after the – whatever it was. All your shared friends stayed shared. His confusion was solely that Yoongi never mentioned working with you, let alone flying stateside to do so. 

Why hadn’t Yoongi said something? Did he assume Namjoon wouldn’t be interested in hearing about your project? Because he would - he kept up with all of your releases, even if it hurt. Was he scared that the mere mention of you would exacerbate the tailspin Namjoon was barely surviving?

Or was it something else? 

“Yeah, he got here a few days ago. I offered to send the vocals to him, but he said he wanted In-N-Out,” Your laugh, even under the weight of your sleepiness, still packed a punch. “Might be the longest trip anyone’s ever made for animal-style fries.” 

Namjoon felt like he was going to pass out, but for your sake, he tried to echo your laugh. “Sounds like he’s got his priorities in order, as usual.” 

That uncomfortable silence crawled back in and settled in the space between you. It never used to be like this. His mouth remained open as if his broken brain could think of a single thing to say. There were hours in every second that passed, but he didn’t hang up – and neither did you. 

“So, if I figure something out, I can shoot it back over –” 

You interrupted this time.

“No need,” You chirped. You must’ve sensed that his train of thought now consisted only of question marks because you dove right back in, “I’ll be in Seoul at the end of the month, so we can put all the pieces together then.” 

Please tell me you’re speaking metaphorically. Please say – 

“I’ve gotta hop off now, but it was –” Your voice petered out at the end of your statement, and he didn’t know what to do within the pause.

What pleasantry would you settle on to end this conversation? Was it nice to hear from him, or did you also feel like you’d walked through the emotional equivalent of a car wash?  

It was heavy when you exhaled the amendment, hitting the ground with a thud that could’ve knocked him over.

It was torture, and it drop-kicked him into the abyss at full-speed. No light above, no hope below. A black hole that he kept selfishly refusing to close – all because he answered your call. 

“Thank you, Joonie.” 

Fuck. He was doomed.

You spent a shocking percentage of your life on international flights. It was a privilege – you knew it – to travel to the extent that you did, but it was so lonely.

If you were flying, there were two justifications. The first was the most common – touring. You’d touch down in cities all over the world, stay for a few hours, and then you’d leave again as soon as you could blink.

Your interactions were limited, either one-sided conversations from a stage; or facilitated entirely by a local translator. Never truly connecting, missed phone calls and texts sent too late to get a response. The same stale conversations with the crew that had been stuck with you for months. 

The second was less common, and somehow even lonelier – visiting a home that was no longer yours. 

It always went the same way. You’d touch down at the Incheon International Airport in your home country and feel just as foreign as the tourists bustling around you. You’d gather a suitcase’s worth of belongings and try not to think about the fact that they – and everything else you owned – once lived there, too. You’d hit customs and then, as a reward, snag yourself some boba from the café on your way out the door. 

In all those trips, you’d never once hailed a cab because Namjoon was always waiting. You’d hear him before you saw him with how loud he kept his car’s stereo, but when you did finally lay eyes on him, you’d light up like a sparkler. He’d shower you with affection – publicly, despite his usually private nature – and swap out the luggage in your hands for some thoughtful surprise. Flowers, usually, after painstaking deliberation over the meaning he wanted to convey. 

Now, you stood on the sidewalk with your empty hand in the air. 

Shortly after settling into your cab, you fell asleep. The person who would have gently scolded you for taking this risk wasn’t there to do so. Instead, you woke up stiff and disoriented to the sound of your driver honking his horn. You quickly learned that he wasn’t honking at traffic; he was honking at you with a scowl on his face. 

“Time to go! Wake up – your stop!” 

He was speaking in English, so it took you a few moments to determine whether you were dreaming. Impatient, he honked again.

Did he think you were a tourist? Was he right?

Your cheeks burned with embarrassment as you threw the door open and hurled yourself out. You ran to the trunk, snatched your suitcase, and tried not to remember that you didn't used to have to do this part yourself.

Yoongi had the foresight to give you a spare keycard before leaving California, so you were able to get into his building quickly – before you were honked at again. Spoken to in English again, like this place had never been home.

You, belonging nowhere and to no one, kept yourself together until the elevator doors gave you some semblance of shelter. 

Alone, alone, alone, you cried so hard that your shoulders shook. The mirrored walls around you showed infinite versions of you, all pitiful like a little girl who’d gotten separated from her parents at an amusement park. It was incredible how you felt smaller in that elevator than you did as a child. And fuck, did that embarrassment make you cry even harder. 

Eventually, those doors would have to re-open, and you’d have to let yourself into Yoongi’s unoccupied penthouse just to wait for his return. You were so sick of walking into empty apartments and hearing nothing but your own footsteps. No warmth, no laughter, just a black hole of your own creation. 

You chose this, you reminded yourself. This is what you wanted, wasn’t it? You were so busy chasing broader horizons, you didn't notice that the sun had disappeared. If you’d known – really, truly known – what the fall would be like, would you have taken that leap of faith? No, you think, but you did and there’s no jumping back into the airplane once you’ve dived out of it.

Ding. 

There was a post-it note waiting for you on the inside of Yoongi’s door that you would’ve missed if you hadn’t taken so much time to shut it behind you. His handwriting was shockingly neat for someone who was always in a rush. His note told you that he’d be home in two hours, that there was food for you in the refrigerator, and that you should help yourself to whatever you needed. 

The sinkhole in your stomach wasn’t created by hunger, so you pushed that down to the bottom of your to-do list and dragged your luggage to the guest bedroom down the hall.

Every inch of his place was undeniably Yoongi – monochromatic and edgy, but still so confusingly inviting. His guest room was similar in style, but with more personalized touches than most visitors tended to expect. Framed photos of friends, and the collaborators he was most proud to work with.

Your eyes eventually found one of you, beaming brightly. 

It hurt to look, but you couldn’t tear your gaze away. It was taken in a photobooth at Kim Seokjin’s wedding last spring. You were sandwiched on a small bench seat between Yoongi and Namjoon. The former, like you, was captured in the middle of a laugh - smiling at the camera with all teeth, eyes crinkled at the edges but still sparkling. The latter wasn’t looking at the camera at all – just you, like you were all there was. 

Forcing yourself to look away, you returned the frame to its place on the vanity and kept moving. Your primary instinct was to hurl yourself into the plush bed and never leave it. But you felt stale after spending so much time traveling, and you didn’t want to collapse into those beautiful sheets until you’d scrubbed the day off you. 

Shuffling off to the bathroom, you finally remembered to take your phone off ‘airplane mode.’ All at once, the floodgates opened. The onslaught of texts, emails, and voicemails was so overwhelming that your phone froze. When the flurry stopped, you scanned through your various inboxes for anything that might require an immediate response. Finding nothing urgent, you were about to set your phone down when you saw an email from Namjoon, addressing both you and Yoongi. His verse, you realized as you opened it. 

I think I lost you sooner than I wanted to  And I know you can't say the same  But I can't hate you for doing what you've gotta do  Cause I'm just in bed sleeping through the pain  Do you see wasted potential when you look at me?  Of what we could be if it wasn't like this  I know you asked me not to try and change myself  But when I was with you, I felt fixed 

It took everything you had not to drop to your knees.

Namjoon was an incredible liar.

He didn’t utilize the skill often – in fact, he was usually too honest – but when he did, he could get himself out of any unwanted scenario. In the distant past, he’d slip out of obligations made by his label to stay home in bed with you. It worked every single time. Instead of putting on some over-priced suit, wasting his breath swapping empty pleasantries with industry tools; he’d be hooking his arms around your quivering thighs, pinning you to his face as he fucked you with his tongue. 

In the present, he lied again. 

Yoongi asked, “How did it feel to hear from her again?” 

“To be honest,” Namjoon started, knowing full well that nothing he said next would be, “That shit’s behind me, man. I was surprised her number was still in my contacts, you know? She’s been a non-factor for a minute.” 

Yoongi rolled his eyes, “With the number of girls you’ve gone through in the meantime, I imagine it gets hard to keep track.” 

Hook, line, sinker. 

Namjoon offered a smirk and a shrug in response, which Yoongi accepted without further comment. The relief of being believed did nothing to cure the nausea swirling in Namjoon’s stomach, though - not just for the cruelty of his lie, but for the way he’d acted since you left and stayed gone.  

He learned early on that it would take more than fucking someone he didn't know to keep warm, but knowing better didn’t mean he did better. None of them – and there were many – could pull him from the limbo he found himself in without you. There was an emptiness gnawing at his insides that he couldn’t fill, and the more he tried, the more it tore at him.

The only thing he succeeded at was becoming someone he didn’t recognize –someone he didn’t even like. 

Yoongi pulled into his parking garage and turned to Namjoon, staking him through the heart with words alone. “Well, the non-factor is upstairs, so try to remember her name when you see her.” 

Namjoon chuckled, but it didn’t sound anywhere close to convincing. There was a flicker of doubt in Yoongi’s quickly flexed eyebrow, though he kept any questions he may have had to himself. Without a word, they clambered out of the car, and they stayed quiet until they stepped into the elevator. 

“How has she been?” Namjoon asked more quietly than he meant to. Like someone who’s scared of the answer - or worse, being asked why he’s asking. Quickly diverting further inquiry, he provided clarification Yoongi hadn’t sought. “Sounded tired as fuck on the phone.” 

Yoongi glanced at Namjoon before selecting the button marked with his floor number. “You know how she is,” He hummed. 

That one hurt. He knew how you were – past tense.

Except for that one phone call, he hadn’t heard your voice in months. He hadn’t seen you for even longer than that. Your number hadn’t changed, but for all he knew, everything else could have. All he had now was his memory’s pale imitation of you, always in sight but never within reach. A ghost that disappeared into the walls before he could get too close. 

When the elevator door opened, Namjoon was fighting between running forward and running away. Incapable of doing either, it was Yoongi’s light punch on his bicep that prompted his feet to move. Namjoon trudged along after him until Yoongi stopped short with a groan. 

“The fuck?” Namjoon coughed as he collided with Yoongi’s back. “Don’t tell me you’re already winded, dude. I’m not giving your old ass a piggy-back ride.” 

The scowl he received could’ve scorched the Earth.  

“I forgot my fucking phone in the car.” Yoongi tossed his apartment key at Namjoon. It thudded against his unsuspecting chest only to be caught on the rebound. Then, Yoongi pointed at the door. “Go play nice and figure out where we’re getting take-out from. I had a dream about bulgogi last night that was borderline sexual, so keep that in mind.” 

Namjoon’s face scrunched up. “I’ll be trying my best to keep it out, so thanks for that.”  

Yoongi had already turned around, waving a dismissive hand as he stalked off. 

As soon as Namjoon heard the elevator doors close, his phone chirped in his pocket and caught him off guard. He glanced down to find a text from Yoongi – who was, apparently, also a liar. 

Yoongi [18:19 PM]: fyi you always say “to be honest” when you’re about to say some bullshit Yoongi [18:19 PM]: "non-factor" my asssssss

Namjoon grimaced and shoved his phone back into his pocket before walking to Yoongi’s door with his heart in his throat.

Clearly, Yoongi wanted Najmoon to fix things with you. He’d crafted some false narrative to get himself out of there, to give Namjoon the time and space to do it. But there wasn’t a single fucking thing he could say to rebuild the bridge you’d both demolished together.

That is, if you even wanted him to try.

After unlocking the door, he froze. A full minute passed before his hand received his brain’s signal to turn the knob, and even then, his feet felt as if they were encased in concrete. If hearing your voice made him spiral, he was terrified of what the sight of you might do.

More than anything, he was scared to see how you looked at him – and he didn’t know what reaction he wanted. If you lit up the way you used to, it might kill him. If you had no reaction at all, it would definitely kill him. 

He would’ve stalled at that threshold all night if you didn’t appear in the hallway, straight ahead. You froze like a deer in headlights, one hand still on the door you’d exited from. Eyes wide, lips parted ever so slightly in surprise. He didn’t notice the red rims around your eyes right away, but once he did, every cell in his body screamed at him to run to you, to hold you. But he didn’t.

Touching you now only to lose you again tomorrow - well, that was a scab he couldn’t rip off again. There was only scar tissue where his heart used to be.

“Hey,” You smiled so sweetly when you saw him, but it didn’t reach your eyes. Those fucking eyes! He’d give up everything he had to erase the sadness swimming behind them, threatening to spill out. Why were you still so far away? You glanced around him, noting Yoongi’s absence, but didn’t ask where he was. “I was thinking we could get something from that –” 

The longer he stared at you, the more impossible it became to keep his distance. He couldn’t stand on that doorstep with you over there, trying so hard to look like you hadn’t been crying – like you weren’t about to start again. 

Fuck it.

If he was so dead-set on re-breaking his own heart, he’d do it with you in his arms.

“Joonie, is everything oka–” 

No, nothing was. Nothing had been, not for – fuck, are his eyes getting misty? - a long time. Not since you walked out of his apartment for the last time, and he let you. He couldn’t make any of it okay, but with you there now, he didn’t give a fuck about where you were before. 

Your eyes were as big as the moon when he finally reached you, blinking your surprise up at him. Did you really think he had any other option than to hold you? Did you have any idea how you looking at him like this - bare-faced, freshly-showered, vulnerable - demanded his immediate affection?

It felt like coming home, sliding his fingers through your still-damp hair. He could’ve fallen to pieces when the familiar scent of your shampoo – vanilla and honey – crashed over him, but he didn’t. His lips collided with yours, and for the first time in a fucking year, he felt whole.

You clung to him so desperately, you could’ve ripped a hole in his shirt. You couldn't care about that, though, because he kissed you and it was pure starlight. He kissed you hard, nicking your lip between his teeth until you opened your mouth against his. You whimpered into him, drunk on the wet heat of his mouth, melting and falling and spinning and flying. You felt it all fall to the wayside, every second wasted without him, every text you didn’t send, every wrong turn that led you so far away. 

You didn't realize until you finally broke apart that the tears on your cheek weren’t exclusively yours. His gaze locked with yours, and all either of you could do was gasp for air - chests heaving, lips kissed swollen. If not for the arm around your back, pinning you against his chest, you would’ve floated away. But he had you, completely.  

Finally, you felt tethered. 

Your trembling hand settled on the side of his face. Fuck! That face. The warmth of his skin, the heights of his cheek bones, the gentle slope of his nose. How many mornings did you wake up and miss it? How did you ever fall asleep without it nuzzled into the crook of your neck, without the whisper of warm breath on your skin?

You wanted to scream until the hurt left your chest, but you didn’t dare – not with that face so perfectly close to yours.  

He spoke first, “I’m so –” 

Your eyes followed your thumb as it swiped over his bottom lip, unearthing a quiver that burned you up inside. He was paralyzed by your touch. Enraptured. Leaving that clause hanging open in the air.

His eyes were wide with anticipation as he watched you, pupils dilating when you whispered. “Say less.” 

Faster than you could process, he lifted you off the ground as if you weighed nothing at all. Automatically, your legs locked behind his back; your lips re-captured his and his kiss never faltered as he carried you back into the guest room. Quickly and with a shocking display of control, he kicked the door closed without slamming it – or breaking it. 

Like so many times before, he laid you gently onto the mattress as if you were crafted from porcelain. And when he finally pulled away from you, you gazed up at him in awe. This was one of the million reasons you couldn’t seem to let him go – the way his eyes softened when you were breathless underneath him, like you were the only thing in the universe worth looking at.

There were too many things to be said that neither of you could verbalize. You felt them all falling down around you like confetti, loose ends to be tied up later. He didn’t need to say a thing, so long as he kept looking at you like that. 

When his fingers landed at the hem of your shirt, you knew what came next. A dance you’d done a thousand times before, you lifted your arms for him to pull it up and off. Still damp from your shower, the ends of your hair raised goosebumps as they chilled the bare skin of your back.  

He moved slowly and without breaking eye contact as he unbuttoned your jeans. Your zipper followed, then your jeans and underwear in tandem. The denim dragged so deliciously against your thighs as he slipped them down, down, down. As he tugged them off your ankles, you discarded your bra and tossed it aside. You were entirely bare and shivering with anticipation when his gaze found you again.

His shirt soon joined yours on the floor. Kneeling between your legs, his bare chest burned against your own as he kissed you for the third time. So many more were needed to make up for lost time, but you could feel how much of himself he poured into the kisses he’d credited you with so far. The taste of his mouth on yours was indescribably intoxicating after so much time apart. 

With you sufficiently distracted, the hands that cupped your face began to migrate. You felt so small under his touch, reduced to putty in the warm expanse of his palms. His face lowered too, freeing your mouth to moan as he placed open-mouthed kisses down the length of your neck. Involuntarily, you gasped when his fingers pinched at one of your nipples. The curve of his smile impressed upon your throat as he suckled at the sensitive skin he found there, leaving clouds of indigo behind. 

As he marked you, he rolled and tweaked your nipples in turn. Your eyes fluttered shut and you keened while your head crashed back against the pillows, “That mouth – feels s-so fucking good.” Your fingers carded through his hair, fingernails scratching lightly against his scalp; his silence broke with a shuddered moan. 

“S’all I want, baby,” He hummed as his lips trailed down from your neck and beyond your collarbone. “To make you feel good.”  

You were trembling when he claimed one of your nipples with his mouth. Then he had the audacity to look up at you from under his lashes when he released it with a lewd pop, causing your back to arch against his chest with a gasp. There was a rumble from deep within him when your grip on his hair tightened, and the sound alone made you gush. 

“To taste you,” His tongue left a wet stripe above your navel as he continued his descent, large hands dipping beneath you to squeeze the doughy flesh of your ass. Shit - you would simply never recover from this. “To devour you until you melt in my mouth.” 

Another sharp tug at his hair, another guttural moan breaking free from your chest. How often had you dreamed of this in your time apart? How many times did you try to remember how it felt when that timbre whispered sins against your naked body? Fuck. With those words alone, he had you on the brink. 

You whined when he pulled away from you; but it quickly turned into a gasp when he hooked his arms around your thighs and dragged you with him towards the end of the bed. Now kneeling on the floor, he ducked below your knees until they rested over the tops of his shoulders. 

Face so near to your aching core, he growled, and you felt it. “I missed this pussy –” He placed a wet kiss on your inner thigh, prompting you to clench them reflexively. “I missed the way your thighs squeeze around me while you fuck yourself against my tongue.” 

Shivering, slack-jawed, and stupid, you grabbed fistfuls of the comforter below you. He was so painfully close to your cunt and still so fucking far from you. You knew he could see how badly you craved him - you’d beg for his mouth if you had to. 

Of course, you didn’t have to - you never did. Seconds before your impatience could drive you fully insane, he was on you, tongue flat against your cunt, dragging up against your slit. When the tip of his tongue flicked over your clit, you cried out with a buck of your hips. His grip on you tightened, pinning you flush against him as he teased you. 

“That it’s, baby. Good girl.” 

It’s a miracle either one of you could form words with how relentlessly he licked, nipped, and suckled on your throbbing cunt. All you could do was babble in response to his praise – until the tip of his tongue penetrated your weeping hole, and you screamed. 

A flurry of curse words spilled from your lips; his name sprinkled in between the obscenities. Fuck, you needed more. More, more, more. You extended your arm and reclaimed your grasp on his locks. Once you did, you began to grind yourself against his tongue until your abdominal muscles burned - you hadn’t utilized them to this extent since the last time.

His hand squeezed your thigh, goading you, encouraging you to use him the way you needed to. The pressure of his tongue increased with your pace. You had no control over the sounds you made; the breathless moans escaped you before you could think of trapping them. The coil was tightening, burning red-hot in the pit of your belly. 

So good, so good, so g – 

“Fuck!” 

One by one, your muscles tensed in quick succession until your body shook violently in his grip. Toes curling, back arching, head crashing backwards into the pillows, mewling. When you finally gathered the strength to re-open your bleary eyes, there were spots dotting the edges of your vision – and then there was Namjoon, fuck-drunk between your weakened knees, with a mixture of his saliva and your orgasm shining on his chin. 

Lustful eyes locked squarely on your flushed face; his tongue slid from between his swollen lips to attend to the mess you’d made of him. His panting rivaled yours, but unlike you, he was still capable of speech. “I will never – ever – get tired of watching you come,” he sighed before wiping his mouth against the back of his hand, “You’re so fucking beautiful like this.” 

As he climbed back on top of you, he placed a chaste kiss on your sweaty forehead. “So vulnerable –” Then the tip of your nose. “So vocal –” Then, too briefly, your lips. “Perfect.” 

“Joon,” You murmured against his lips. His mouth curved into a smile at the nickname, which you used almost exclusively to win arguments, or to persuade him to do something. It worked every time. 

He nudged your nose with the tip of his as he tried to conceal his laugh. “Baby?” 

The fond look in his eyes was quickly covered by fluttering eyelids as your fingertips whispered down over his chest. They snapped open and bored into you as your fingers slid over the waistband of his joggers, tracing a feather-light trail over the bulge below. You felt his cock twitch autonomously against the warmth of your palm. 

“Shit,” He hissed through gritted teeth as you squeezed him. Eyes drifting shut once again; he rolled his hips to exacerbate the friction. His neck tensed, head thrown back, when you finally dipped under the elastic and took him into your hand. Skin to skin, burning up. The next moan from his fawning mouth was something you hadn’t heard in his voice for months – your name. “I need you. Now.” 

In the few moments he pulled away to remove his pants, a chill crept in and settled where the weight of his body had just been. There it is again, you thought, the feeling of having him and losing him. When this night was over and he was gone from you, would he stay that way? Should you have gone this far, knowing nothing would be different in the daylight? 

You were blinking fast when he reclaimed the space above you. Something flickered in his eye as he assessed the look on your face, but he didn’t ask. Instead, he leaned down and kissed you so gently that you could’ve imagined it – but so completely that your brain could never have fabricated it. Not successfully, anyway. You’d already tried. 

Breaking apart once more, he reached down and stroked himself slowly. His eyes never left yours. You both held your breath as he slid into you, millimeter by millimeter, reminding your body – after all this time – how to take him. All of him, to the hilt, until you could finally exhale. Stretched to accommodate his width, so fucking full, you saw a way out of the nothing that had you trapped like quicksand. It was him, always. Your safe haven.

Neither of you could speak once he began rolling his hips against you. The quiet was electrified by heavy breaths and whimpers. The wet heat of your cunt squelched as your walls enveloped him, just as unwilling to let him go as the rest of you. Over and over, he grinded into you, dragging his length across your most sensitive places; hips swiveling slightly to the side as he pushed and pulled himself through you, the way he knew you liked it. 

Open mouth beside his ear, you keened and sighed, wordlessly informing him that you wouldn’t last much longer. He was perfectly attuned to your subconscious movements, and he responded to each of them without hesitation. He’d never need to be reminded that the fingernails digging into his biceps meant faster, and the upward tilt of your jaw meant deeper. That when your eyebrows rose above your closed lids, you were seconds away from your release. 

He remembered exactly how to fuck you through your orgasm when it came – shallow, staccato thrusts that unraveled you further as you writhed against the sheets. The spot on your neck to nip at like some secret switch, praise dripping hot in your ear like honey. “Such a good girl, squeezing me like this,” He panted, “Taking me so well – so fucking perfect for me, angel.” 

As soon as you crashed down through the atmosphere, his movements threatened to ricochet you right back into space. You keened helplessly with your half-numbed fingers gripping any part of him where they could find purchase. ���I c-can't stop -” You mewled, “How am I s-still c-coming?” 

His response didn’t come in the form of words. His lips collided with yours hard enough to clink teeth as he drove himself deeper and deeper and deeper. Sloppy, kiss-bitten lips laying claim; relentless in their mutual need for closeness. Your walls were still fluttering around him – was this your second orgasm or your third? - when he moaned into your mouth. Every part of him tensed above, around, and inside you as the flood of his release filled every crevice of your cunt. 

Breathing ragged, his head fell into the crook of your shoulder. Considerate as ever, he tried so hard to keep his full weight off you, but his exhaustion undermined his efforts. You didn’t mind at all – you’d re-build your home there, staying forever between his body and that borrowed bed if you could. 

But you couldn’t, could you? If you felt empty before, how could you feel whole again after this? His name etched itself into your ribcage, and now your body would never re-acclimate to his absence. Why did you do this to yourself? 

You squeezed your eyes shut tight when you felt tears prickling in their corners.  

Everything you felt for him – over the course of two years – came crashing down over you. You buried your face into his shoulder and tried your best to keep your crying to yourself. You’d never get his scent off your body now. 

He could sense your shaking; it forced his heavy lids open. 

“I don’t know what to do with it,” you sniffled, silently begging yourself to stop. You felt yourself shrinking under his eye. It would only be a matter of time before you disappeared entirely.

His tone dripped with concern, serving only to deepen that infernal ache in the pit of your stomach. “With what?”  

“All the love I have for you. I don’t –” You sobbed, “I don’t know where to put it now.” 

His breath caught in his throat as if you’d punched him straight in the chest. If you listened hard enough, you might’ve heard his heart break. You could certainly feel it in the way he tensed in your arms. When he moved off you, you feared the worst – that your incessant crying overflowed the bathtub, and your admission was the toaster thrown recklessly inside.  

But unlike the last time, he didn’t leave - and neither did you.

The mattress shifted as he claimed the space at your side - where he should have been all this time. Strong arms enveloped you as he turned to face you, and even though he held you, he couldn’t stop you from shattering. For a while, he let you. Squeezed you hard, stroked your hair the way he used to, let you cry out all the poison that filled the spaces in the cavern of your chest.

And when you could finally breathe again, he kissed your forehead. “I’ll trade you for it.” 

(1/8/23): Check out the sequel, Redamancy, here.

[krystalevette]

(this ended up being a lot longer than i had anticipated, but here we are)

for a while now, i’ve wanted to talk about how ethel cain has impacted my life. considering i made this account to keep up with hayden, i feel like this is the best place to tell my story when it comes to discovering her music and how it resonates with me. i’m not really expecting anyone to read this, i just want it to exist outside of the walls of my mind.

i’m going to talk about some potentially triggering topics, but if you’re familiar with hayden’s music what i'm going to be talking about is the same subject matter. however, it’ll be my story and how i connect with the music. plus, i’m autistic and kind of want to go on and on about her music and i’m too shy to go down rabbit holes with people in my life. so, a tumblr post it is.

i guess i’ll start by talking about where i was in life when i first heard preacher’s daughter. i was deep in the healing process when it came to childhood trauma, but my main dragon to slay was a man who had came into my life like a hurricane. i’ll go into more depth once i go more in depth when i get to the music. but, as a short summary introduction, i met a man who had schizophrenia, homocidal thoughts as well as cannibalistic ideation. i’m sure you can see where this is going.

looking back, i followed hayden on instagram in (i’m guessing late) 2022, but i first listened to preacher’s daughter in march of this year. i was staying at my friends’ house and i had stumbled on a twitter thread talking in depth about the album and i was immediately intrigued. so, i decided on the hour long drive back from their house, i would listen to the album. granted, i wish i had sat down with the lyrics and was able to fully immerse myself in the story. i remember saying to my friends as a joke “i’m going to listen to an album by a trans woman talking about religious trauma. so if i crash my car from sobbing, it’s been real”.

once the album and the drive started, i knew that this was going to be something special. as i was behind the wheel, i couldn’t read lyrics and to a degree hear all of them. but, it was the feeling i got listening to the songs that made me realize as soon as i got home, i needed to listen again with lyrics. at this point, i still was unaware of the lore or the full lore of the album. but, as time went on and i kept listening, i started processing what she was saying. and once i did, i became fully engrossed in the story.

when it comes to the religious aspect, as a trans woman, being dragged to church as a child took its tole on me as i began paying attention to what was being said. i had just begun exploring the idea of being attracted to men. and once i was outed as gay, i felt free enough to start experimenting with feminine clothing. and it all just kind of fell into place after that. other than my dad and step mom, my family weren’t accepting and as a minor i was restricted in some aspects when it came to my gender expression. once my dad and step mom dipped out of my life when i turned 17, i was stuck with the restrictions. once i turned 18, i was more free to explore. my immediate family on my mom’s side was religious, my mom and her husband being the most religious. fast forwarding a bit, now that i've been on hormones for three and a half years, gotten a breast augmentation as well as bottom surgery, my relationship with my mom has been a little rocky, but she still loves me in her own way. and though she’s not able to be there for me on an acceptance level, she shows her love in other ways. and i’m grateful to still have her in my life. i know some trans people aren’t as lucky.

when it comes to the childhood sa, i had a lingering suspicion as well as every therapist i met telling me i was repressing a type of childhood trauma. and though i didn’t know what it was, i knew in my gut that they were right. last year, through trauma therapy, i uncovered that i was molested by my uncle before the age of four. i don’t know too much about it because once things with the guy i had mentioned previously had a horrible ending, the focus of the sessions shifted to healing from that.

now, as for that man, i found myself extremely drawn to him. we met in the psych ward (red flag number one) and we developed a close bond quite quickly. he had always been extremely open with me about his homocidal thoughts and cannibalistic urges. he would send me extremely graphic messages about his thoughts and fantasies. i was one of the only people who didn’t show fear when it came to them. and in a twisted way, us being close and him being somewhat protective over me made me feel safe. like if anyone were to hurt me, he would “take care of it”. it got to a point where i would basically be his crisis hotline and almost daily i had to talk him down from snapping and acting on his urges. i’ve talked him down from driving to people’s houses with guns in his front seat. as we got closer, he preyed on my vulnerabilities. i was a virgin at the time, he changed that and then never touched me again. my guess it was a level of control he wanted over me.

i unfortunately let him move into my one bedroom apartment and he had his bed and belongings in my living room. facing his constant neglect made me feel a level of lonely that caused me to spiral and develop a sex addiction. whenever he would hurt me emotionally, i would go meet up with a random guy. he eventually left my life, but stayed in my town. he still lives here. and somehow i’m supposed to watch out and he better not see me in public when he’s in my town. and if i didn’t have the amount of tattoos i have, i very well could have ended up his first victim and his first taste of flesh.

i’m sure you can put the pieces together of where i relate when it comes to certain songs. the heartache of religion feeling like somewhat of an enemy, songs like the two family trees and sun bleached flies spoke to me. when it came to my childhood sa, hard times was there. and when it came to this man, strangers was obviously very poignant. however, the idea that i could have easily ended up meeting the same fate as ethel met - ptolemaea, august underground and televangelism as well as strangers run deep. and when it comes to my sex addiction with men who didn’t give a fuck about me, i felt like gibson girl spoke to me on that level. i was constantly intoxicated and in sexual situations, feeling like i was pimping myself out (though i wasn’t getting paid).

when it comes to thoroughfare, i feel like it encapsulates meeting him and feeling like everything was going to be okay, that he was different. and being further in my healing process at the time, a house in nebraska and western nights was a testament to how though he took everything from me and drained me of my strength and will to survive, i still loved him. in particular, in a house in nebraska, the lyric about his mother calling and asking if i'm doing fine when i’d kill myself to hold him one more time. and in western nights, the lyric about saying i was never going to leave him even if he lost what was left of his mind. this album felt like an album that was a biography of my life without me writing it. it’s how i could have ended up.

as time went on, i started diving into the rest of her discography and found comfort in finally finding an artist who not only encapsulated how dark my mind can get, but i related to on such a deep level. as time went on, my fixation with the lore and with the music grew stronger and stronger. in late september, i had bottom surgery. a week and a half after was hayden’s pittsburgh show. i was determined to hear these songs live because with her concepts being so intricate, i didn’t know if she would perform them moving forward. i didn’t ask my doctors, i stopped the painkillers as soon as i was home and i risked my health to see this show. it being sold out, i was fully prepared to sit outside just to hear the music. but, the day of the show, i managed to get a ticket. i cried when that happened.

experiencing these songs live and feeling them radiate around me was one of the most special things i have ever experienced. not to mention, the event was beautiful with the trees lit up in different colors, it being in the middle of a park (literally on top of the bricks on the ground i'm the stage being like a small tent. it felt intimate in the sense that i wasn’t worthy of being there. when it comes to my health, i was doing a lot better than i had expected at that point and made sure to take the most safety precautions i was able to. i sat in the handicap section, had my donut pillow and tylenol and ibuprofen in hand. i had no medical complications and ended up being fine the entire show.

if anyone has read this, i appreciate you for listening to me go on and on about hayden. and if by some miracle hayden sees this, thank you for your art. i know it resonates with so many, but i don’t think i would have made it this year to experience the blessing of my surgeries without your music there during my healing. your music truly saved me and is still a lifeline to me whenever i’m struggling. i can’t wait for the b-sides / new ep as well as the novel.

but, until then, i hold the songs we have close to my chest. there’s a magic to the story and narrative of ethel cain that is extremely rare and i truly believe that it is the greatest album of all time and that thoroughfare is one of the best songs ever written. the story telling is insane.

[sungbeam]

HEYYYYYYY

To start off, phew, that pintrest post had me going DELULUUUUUUUU like jeez miss Molly Burford you def had some INSANE ideas/pos cause I read that whole thing like it was a small Changmin fic in and of itself and it just goes to show how strong literature can really be and how much emotion you can convey with just the smallest bit of writing like- *sobs*

AND YEAH RIP YOU WERE RIGHT QUANTUMANIA SUCKED LOWKEY 😭

Onto watch Hawkeye tho 😼🤭

AND YASSSSS I GOT INTO TBZ PRETTY RECENTLY (roar era 💀) BUT THE CONCEPT FOR MAVERICK WAS EVERYTHING TO ME I SWEAR LIKE I WAS GENUINELY LIKE, JAWDROP, WHEN I SAW THE TRAILER LIKE THE MUSIC, THE CUTS, CHANGMIN’S ENDING SCENE PHEW LIKE OUR MEN CAN A C T

I still go back to just watch the teaser cause it’s genuinely so cool to me and I just wished they did more with the concept cause it was such an interesting storyline BUT THE BE AWAKE/BE AWARE STORYLINE WAS ALSO PRETTY INTERESTING AND I CAN DO A FULL DISSERTATION ON IT I SWEAR LIKE, IN THIS ESSAY I WILL- 🤓☝️

But yeah I basically just started with tbz yet I somehow managed to get almost all the maverick album photocards so lowkey proud of myself, thanks mercari 🤭

And yeah with GOTG3 Floor was actually a bunny rabbit 😭 the way she moved like a spider freaked me TF out tho 💀 but yesss they were so cute and it just felt bad seeing them cause being experimented on was basically all that they knew and they were so happy to escape but then… yeah 😭

And LORDDDDD right when they were escaping and Floor started freaking tf out and kept repeating the same sentence was when I started sobbing RFYUTFJBJ FELT A LIL GOOFY DOING IT IN THE THEATRE BUT OH WELL

AND YES (omfg take a shot every time I say ‘and’ 💀) YOU’RE SO RIGHT ABT YOUR WRITING STYLE like I thought it was only me that thought your writing is almost cinematic?? Not bc of the scene or act titles or anything tho like I can’t really pinpoint how it feels cinematic but it does and I’m SO obsessed with it cause I usually imagine fics to play out as if I’m watching a movie [it’s smth I do with books too like I’ve always just had an insane imagination that I’m v v proud of (like thank you brain for giving me smth useful for once 🙄☝️/j)]

But yeah (take a shot every time I say ‘yeah’ 💀) your writing style just makes it way more easier for me to digest bc of my overactive imagination HEBUHDBRH

YAS I DO LOVE TXT AND BEOMGYU IS MY BIAS HEHEHE 🤭 Tae and Kai have been wrecking me fr tho PHEW but AHHH a lot of superhero aus typically don’t have the reader as a superhero so that’ll be super refreshing to see! :o

KEEP THE SUPERHERO AUS COMING THO CAUSE I *DO* LIVE FOR THEM unfortunately I haven’t seen moon knight, ms marvel, OR shangchi BUT THEY WILL BE ADDED TO THE LIST TRUST and phew superhero Kev with his white hair ARGH MAIN CHARACTER FR 😵‍💫

OH NAURRR THE CHANGMIN FIC TOO GOSH SOMEONE TAKE CHANGMIN AWAY FROM YOU CAUSE YOU *WILL* END UP DESTROYING MY HEART(/jk jk) but I can see it right now not even gonna lie like I’m kind of envisioning the almost nostalgic vibe of a late 90s-early 00’s anime (idk if the link will work cause I’m on mobile but kind of like this scene from Mysterious Girlfriend X https://images.app.goo.gl/Huz8NDfpAajF7iC37) like I always get that warm nostalgic vibe WHENIGND SORRY IF THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABT AT A L L 💀

Also, confession time, I was also a CHRONIC ghost reader that would just like (mostly cause I didn’t know that reblogs actually mattered as much as likes-) but I have seen so so many amazing blogs disappear or go inactive due to the lack of reblogs, likes, feedback, or basically ANY interaction :( I’ve changed my ways now even though I’m still not sure if I’m doing my reblogs properly but I guess I didn’t realize how much feedback or reblogs actually matter to people until I saw how my OWN motivation improved when I receive feedback or praise. Especially when I’m struggling with my mental health, someone telling me that I did something right makes me feel SOOOOO much happier than a singular like does. So now I prefer sending anon asks to authors just so I can communicate how much I appreciate their work cause honestly if I was a writer then I’d love to hear what people would have to say abt my fics, no matter if the feedback is negative (as long as it’s constructive and not mean-) or positive, it’s still better than nothing. So I completely get you bro and I genuinely hope that more people come to the same realization that I did 😭🫶 like I promise guys, a little feedback goes a long way and helps more than you think it can!

- Love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow, 🌷 anon

🌷 I LITERALLY SCREECHED AND GIGGLED ALOUD WHEN I SAW UR MESSAGE AKFNSJDJ HI BFFIE 🥰🥰🥰

plsss IKR kdnskdnkd ykw that's just what these men do to me 😔😌 make me so utterly irrevocably irredeemably delusional 🤩🤸‍♀️ i too JUST got into the boyz so ur not alone haha :')) i go into them just a couple months before roar era !! so like the standstill in btwn but yeah, the be awake concepts were SO FIRE 😩🤘🏻 i was so so so excited for it to come out and WE WERE NOT DISAPPOINTED IN THE SLIGHTEST !! (like we were w quantumania 😬) WAIT HELLO U HAVE ALL THE MAVERICK CARDS ALREADY???(@;@*@((@9@*#; WHAT SORCERY WKFJEKDM i didn't buy anything from maverick era but i did buy like a mystery pack of pcs someone was selling off instagram and got a couple pcs to start my section of them 😔😔 but i think after buying be awake im trying to not buy anymore of that stuff :'))))

NO CUZ THE WHOLE ROCKET BG STORYLINE WAS SO SAD SKXNSKDN I DIDNT EXPECT THAT I LITERALLY HATE THAT ITS SO SAD AND DARK LIKE??? im so glad my man rocket was SOLIDIFIED as an absolute genius now tho, that's so cool for him even tho it was bc of that wicked fkn high evolutionary trash 😭😭 floor's voice and actions and appearance combined were so scary PLS 💀 she's an absolute sweetheart but my goodness gracious, she will be someone's sleep paralysis demon—

OMG 🥺🥺🥺 BESTIE UR FEEDING INTO MY EGO SKCNKEMD i sometimes do write like im directing a scene instead of writing a fic/novel (´Д⊂ヽit's like a really bad habit cuz it doesn't allow me to flesh it out, but if u remember from the changmin fic otr, in the scene right after they confessed, changmin calls chanhee and it cuts right to yn's actions, and i was literally just imagining it as like a very abrupt scene break 2kfnskfjkdkd AND in that same fic and wavelength, in the cherry blossom quad scene at the end where changmin says "we never did get to finish that duet", i just imagine the scene ending with them looking at each other with the quad in the bg and the screen fades to black and he says the line OR it ends with like a close-up of how close their hands r to touching or smth— im telling u,,,, i literally think abt EVERYTHING as a movie sequence 😭😭😭 i could prob tell u what angle the proverbial camera is in for each scene 💀

STOP CUZ BEOMGYU IS MY BIAS TOO 😭😭😭😭 I LOVE THAT MAN W ALL MY HEART FRFR taehyun has been wrecking tho lately @_@ LIKE ,,, all of txt needs to chill w going to the gym, that's all im gonna say......... OMG I WILL WATCH THAT CLIP IN A MOMENT JSFNJDNDN BUT I STARTED WRITINF SOME OF THE SLOW DANCING FIC AND IDK WHAT THE VIBE IS COMPLETELY BUT I WILL LYK IF THE CLIP U SENT MATCHES IT ONCE I GET TO WRITING MORE TRUST o7

i too used to be a chronic ghost reader 😭😭😭 i had an old account where i tried writing, but i never really interacted with ANYONE and i thought that reblogs were just for people who went above and beyond 😭😔 but then when i started gaining more traction on this new acct, i realized how much reblogs really did matter and how tumblr apparently does run on them 🤧🤧 but yeah, i do appreciate u coming into my ask box all the time !!! this and/or reblogging,,, i appreciate both VERY DEEPLY :'))

TULIP, U HAVE A WAY W WORDS (´Д⊂ヽ if that's a quote from somewhere else, we can pretend u came up w it 🤩🤸‍♀️ love u lots 💖 more than 3000

[erodasfishtacos]

Can I request a prompt of dad!Harry where maybe it’s just him And Sasha and they get mobbed and her slightly hurt but he is furious

JUST A LESSON

word count: 5k+ (how'd i write this in one day)

warnings: language, smut, blood, minor injuries

- If you'd like more from dad!harry verse - check out my masterlist! (pinned post)

- PLEASE NOTE: DAD!HARRY & CEO!HARRY ARE TWO DIFFERENT TROPES.

*** <- click for visuals throughout the story!

---

Harry was quite stressed out. He wasn’t sure how his wife did it all the time. She was constantly packing up Sasha and toting her around the globe to meet up with him for concerts and events when he was away.

The little family had been staying in their Los Angeles home for nearly three months now as Harry had been writing for his third solo album. It involved a lot of late nights were Y/N were putting Sasha to bed by herself.

Harry was eternally grateful that she was so patient and understanding when he snuck into bed quarter past three after finding a rift that fit a new song perfectly or when Mitch had an idea that had Harry on Skype for hours with him.

The stress was overwhelming for her though. She was usually good at self-care and taking time for herself but Sasha had been so needy lately and crabby when her father wasn’t at her beck and call.

The toddler was going through a bout where she struggled to sleep through the night and had a tendency to scream bloody murder when she didn’t get her way.

It was nearly three weeks of this and she hadn’t mentioned it too much to Harry because she didn’t want him to be as stressed out as she was.

Tonight, Y/N had rocked, sang, hummed, and read to her daughter to stop the angry tears that were rolling down her cheeks but nothing was working. It was near eleven at night and she had took Sasha out in the car for a long ride where she finally fell asleep.

But as soon as Y/N unlocked the front door, she startled awake even angrier than before, squirming out her mother’s grip and bolting through the house. When she tried to round a corner, she slipped on her bum.

Y/N felt her anxiety level break.

Sasha began screaming once again, “Mummy! No! No!”

When Y/N picked her up after her slight tumble, she was absolutely not hurt but had become even more frustrated. Y/N was starting to feel overwhelmed - which didn’t happen often.

“Baby, what do you want? What can mummy do?” Y/N asks with desperation, searching her baby’s watery green eyes. She looked so much like her dad it was absurd.

“No! Down! Stop!” The two year old orders with a furrowed brow, lips in a tight line with her nose scrunched up in displeasure.

“Sasha, you just hurt yourself. You can’t run in the house, the floor is slippery,” Y/N tells her firmly despite it falling upon deaf ears.

“Bad mummy,” Sasha shrieks, “Daddy! Want Daddy! Now!”

Y/N is embarrassed to admit that she has tears welling up in her eyes. She was trying everything in her power to soothe her baby. It’s midnight at this point and she’d been at it since seven this morning.

Sasha had refused a nap all day - giving Y/N no respite at all. Harry had left at eight in the morning and hadn’t returned yet. Even though Sasha was only two and a half, Y/N felt a pang at the words ‘bad mummy.’

She didn’t feel any other option at this point than to call Harry for help. She wanted to be capable of being at stay home mum but sometimes it was really fucking hard but she felt guilty because she should be able to do this. Harry was out there working hard, providing, constantly.

When he doesn’t answer, the tears freely start streaming down her face in silence. She scrubs at them quickly so that her daughter doesn’t see them but it’s hard to catch them all - sobs threatening to bubble through her lips.

“Daddy’s working, we need to go to sleep,” Y/N replies to her daughter, jaw clenched to hold back the upset she feels. She needs a minute alone but she doubts her toddler will let her.

“Pool?” Sasha piques, “Swim?”

Y/N wants to laugh, it’s so fucking late and Sasha should have been in bed nearly four hours ago. The mother was so beyond her routine at this point, that she actually just gave in to her daughter.

Sasha’s mood turns around when Y/N wrangles them both into their swimsuits ***and trails out of the back patio, switching on all the lights around as well as in the pool. The California air was still extremely warm, enough to cause a sweat. ***

She tugs a little donut raft into the pool with them that Sasha can float around on while Y/N guides it to keep her safe. She was so tired by this point that her bones felt like they weighed a million pounds.

Sasha’s eyes droop until they finally flutter close within minutes of being in the warm water. Her eyelids splotchy pink from all of the fits and tears from the day. And when she is completely asleep, Y/N lets herself cry as she continues to float the baby around the pool to keep her asleep.

She hasn’t been doing it for more than ten minutes when the patio door opens and Harry is stepping into the back with a confused expression that she can’t see because her back is turned to him.

“Love, why are you in the pool? S’late,” Harry asks softly but he doesn’t get an answer, so he’s slipping out of his plain tee and striped pants, dirty vans kicked to the side ***.

Just in his briefs, he quietly enters the pool to not disrupt the ebb and flow of the water. When he makes his way over to her, he slides in front of his wife, alarmed at the exhausted, tearful expression on her face.

“Baby, what’s happened? Talk t’me,” Harry whispers, hands coming to cup his wife’s face in between his large hands. Rings cold against her hot, wet cheeks. He looks to his sleeping daughter, running his eyes over her a few times and decides she seems completely okay.

“M’fine,” Y/N chokes out but the lie causes a fresh wave of tears.

Harry frowns, “Don’t lie to me, pet. Please, don’t shut me out. M’always here for you.”

“I’m a bad mum,” She sobs silently, her eyes closing as she leans into his palms before moving to rest her head heavily on the crook of his tattooed shoulder, his chest damp from the salty tears.

“Wha-What’s brought this on? Y’the best mum in the world, best wife in the world. The best at everythin’, why are you doubtin’ that, my heart?” Harry murmurs, taking over the rocking motions of Sasha’s raft.

“She wouldn’t settle today, Harry. Like at all, refusing to nap, eat any healthy food, or bathe. She screamed at me the whole day no matter what I did and then she told me I was bad and she wanted you.”

“Love, she’s in the midst of her terrible twos. She loves you more than anythin’ on this earth. Y’her mummy and a damn good one at that. Why didn’t y’call me? I’d come home, work is never more important than our family.”

Y/N doesn’t bring up the fact she did try to call, “I need to be able to do this myself, Harry. M’a stay at home mum, taking care of Sash is literally my only job and I can’t even do that.”

Harry’s face hardens but he tries to not take it personally, knowing his wife is just upset with herself, “That’s not fair to me, dove. M’her daddy, she’s half mine too. She’s just as much of my responsibility as yours, no matter what my job is.”

“I don’t want to stress you out more than necessary,” Y/N mutters into his skin.

“Me coming home to my wife in tears and my baby in the pool at midnight is more stressful than you ringin’ me to come home,” Harry tells her, smearing a few kisses to the top of her hair.

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m just tired.”

Harry pulls her back so he can look her in the eyes, “Never apologize for somethin’ like that. Go get a bath and let me put the bub to sleep, okay? I love y’mumma.”

--

Harry calls his mum the next morning while Y/N is out getting a manicure with Glenne. He’d called her favorite salon earlier in the day, coercing them into opening a spot for her with a monetary bribe.

Y/N had hesitated at the door as Sasha threw a fit at her mother leaving the house. She clung onto her calf until Harry had to physically pull her off and hold her tightly in his arms.

Currently, Sasha was playing with a set of dolls on the floor of her bedroom as Harry sat next to her. She’d originally been happy with the presence of her father until he told her he needed to make a phone call.

Harry had to be stern with her when she went to grab at the phone pressed to his ear, gently gripping her wrist and frowning, “We don’t do that, s’not nice.”

Sasha had attempted to grab at it again and managed to tangle Harry’s long locks into his fist, tugging at them. Harry unraveled the small fingers before telling his daughter, “If you do that one more time, y’going on the step for two minutes.”

The threat had her pouting harshly but turning back to her toys to occupy herself, sighing when his mum finally answered the phone, “Hi darling.”

“Hi mum, you alright?” Harry asks, relaxing at the sound of his mother’s melodic voice.

“I’m perfect, you don’t sound okay, dear,” Anne replies with a concerned twinge.

Harry didn’t call much to complain, didn’t like worrying her and most of the time Y/N was able to provide the support he needed or Jeff.

“Y/N’s really overwhelmed,” Harry tells her before choking up a bit, “And I don’t know what to do mum, I feel like m’bein’ a bad husband. Came home to her crying last night and she feels like she’s a bad mum.”

When Sasha hears her father’s voice crack, she looks up at him curiously before recognizing that he’s upset. She crawls into his lap, fitting herself against his chest before playing with a doll there. Comforting him.

Harry wraps his free arm around her, pulling her as close as possible. His precious little baby. A little blessing as sweet as her mother.

“Oh honey, that happens. Mums, good mums especially are so critical when they don’t need to be. Baby’s are overwhelming, plus I know she’s been alone a lot with her. But you’re not a bad husband, dear.”

“It feels like it,” Harry sniffles, burying his face in his daughter’s lavender-scented curls from her bath earlier.

“If you were, you wouldn’t be calling,” Anne chuckles at her son, “Now how can we make this situation better?”

-

The phone call helped Harry not feel so hopeless in helping his wife. He’d come up with the plan to fly to England with Sasha so that Anne could see her but Y/N could have some alone time for a long weekend.

When Y/N enters the front door after her appointment, she’s met by a very excited little human who rushes to her mother and demands to be picked up. Of course, Y/N obliges, looking a bit more refreshed and awake as she tucks the baby against her hip.

Harry had ordered their favorite salads from a shop in the city and had it ready for her, “Oh, looks delicious. Thank you, H,” She smiles at him, leaning to give his stubbly cheek a kiss.

As they dig in, Y/N feeding bits of chicken and veggies to her daughter as they eat, Harry clears his throat, “I’m taking Sash to Holmes Chapel for the long weekend to see my mum.”

Y/N smiles, “That sounds great!”

Harry gives her a perplexed look, he’d thought she’d put up a fight. She despised being away from Sasha - couldn’t go a day without seeing her daughter.

“Really?” Her husband asks, putting down his fork.

“Mhm, I just have to pack a bag for Sash and I. When are we leaving?” Y/N replies eagerly, ready to go back home and get away from California for a bit.

Harry’s stomach clenches, “Erm, I meant just me and the baba? I thought you could stay here and relax for a weekend. Sleep, hang out, shop.”

Y/N’s face falls and is replaced with a devastated look, “You don’t think I’m being a good mum.”

Harry backpedals, realizing he shouldn’t have approached it in the lax way he did.

“No, no, of course not, baby. I think you’re such a good mum that you need a break. You never get breaks, m’the one who always does. S’not fair to you. I just need you to have some time to take care of yourself,” Harry explains, his heart shattering a bit at the tears brimming again.

“I don’t want a break, don’t leave me here,” Y/N begs, tucking a piece of tomato in her daughter’s expectant mouth before Sasha chews and smiles at her mother.

“Mummy, more please?” Sasha chirps, her mood a little bit brighter than it had been the last few days.

“Thank you for using your manners, here baby,” Her mother responds, popping another into her mouth after she sliced it in half.

“Did you book a commercial flight?” She asks her husband with an angry tone.

“No, private but we have to catch it at LAX,” Harry explains, the private airport they usually fly out of was filled to capacity at the moment.

“Either I’m coming or you’re going alone. You’re not taking Sasha without me,” Y/N replies firmly. She stands up and shuffles Sasha into his lap before leaving the room without another word.

Harry didn’t expect that. He should have thought it through more. If Y/N wanted to come, of course she could, but he’d never meant to offend her or act like he was taking Sasha away from her.

--

Harry had attempted to reason his way out of going to the studio with Jeff today. However, with the final cuts and adjustments were being made - he was quickly turned down and demanded in the studio.

When he’d trailed into the quiet house that night, relieved to find his baby in her crib instead of the pool, he went to his bedroom where the lights were still on.

The closet doors were open and Y/N was on the ground folding and sorting Sasha’s clothes before placing them in her suitcase. ***

Y/N’s suitcase already laying zipped and ready to go by the entrance of the closet. Her toiletry bag was placed neatly on top of it. Then his heart pings a bit when he sees that she’s already packed up his suitcase as well.

Harry pads over to his wife, plopping down behind her and tugging her back into him - long arms wrapping around her upper chest.

“Missed you, mumma.”

She hums, “I missed you too. Miss you always.”

“Y’the love of my life, y’know that?” Harry asks, kissing the back of her neck.

“I better be or you married the wrong person,” Y/N laughs softly, her tone still off but lighter than before.

“Married the right person, knocked up the right person.”

Y/N barks out a laugh, rolling her eyes, “How romantic.”

“Baby, y’know what I’m getting at. You’re the best mum and wife. I just wanted you to have a few days to yourself. To lower your stress level and let you do some self-care,” Harry murmurs, pushing the baby clothes out of her hands.

“But your mum can watch her for a bit while we’re there, right? I don’t want alone time, I need the exact opposite. I need company,” She tells him, twisting herself until she’s seated in his lap - straddling him.

“Mmm, can definitely have some alone time,” Harry agrees instantly, his mouth finding her throat - beginning to lay a path of wet, hot kisses down the column down to her collarbones.

“H, I have t’pack, we’re leaving tomorrow morning,” Y/N weakly argues but can’t help but bear down against her husband when she feels him harden in his loose pants quickly.

“S’just a quickie? Yeah, pet? Lemme fuck you,” Harry’s hands dragging the shirt she’s wearing up and over her head. Eyes lighting up boyishly when he realizes she didn’t have a bra on.

She can’t argue as he darts down to wrap his lips around her pert bud, sucking between long swipes of his tongue - just how she liked it. “Missed y’body so much,” Harry states against her heated skin.

“Just had me two days ago,” Y/N laughs but it cuts off into a moan when his hand slides into her pajama shorts and finds her clit over her thin underwear.

“Never enough,” Harry replies easily, “Remember the song I wrote f’you?”

Y/N snarkily asks, “Which one? Nearly all your songs are about me.”

And well...Harry can’t even argue how true her statement is. “The one titled ‘Never Enough’, pet? Remember?”

Before she can speak, he lowly croons out the chorus of the song he wrote for One Direction years ago, “Lips so good I forget my name. I swear I would give you everything. It’s never enough, never enough.”

Harry knows his sweet as syrup singing gets her immensely turned on and so he’s not surprised when she whimpers against his lips, “Fuck me, c’mon.”

He’s delighted at his wife’s pleas and quickly moves them, leaning forward with her until she’s on her back on the ground of their walk-in closet. He accidentally kicks over a pile of Sasha’s dresses but neither even notice.

There is no time wasted as Harry removed every single article from Y/N’s body quickly as well as his own. He’s leaning forward to suck a few more kisses to her chest as his fingers slip down to crook right up into her hot center.

“No teasing,” Y/N complains, wrapping hands around his biceps and bringing him on top of her more fully. She’s squeezing around his two fingers with need, it has him groaning when he brings them up and sucks them between his pouty lips.

Then she’s not waiting any longer, reaching down and grabbing a hold of his thick length. Harry lets out rumble from his chest at the contact before she’s guiding him into her without any further ado.

“Baby,” Harry chastises as soon as she starts goading him into thrusts with her feet against him bum, pushing him into her harder than he’d usually start, “Y’squeezin’ me s’tight, you missed me too?”

Y/N nods, whining every time he pushes against her spot and sends a zip of arousal through her body. His trimmed hair around his base brushing against her clit causing delicious friction for her.

“No, y’need to tell me,” Harry huffs, hand gripping her jaw harsher than he would if they were having slow, intimate sex. He knew she loved it by the way her eyes twinkle with stubbornness.

“No,” She replies coyly, heels of her feet pressing hard against him to the point it itches with a slight pain. Harry loved his wife so much it was looney.

“It’s fine, don’t need y’to come for me to get off, dove,” Harry replies simply, speeding up his thrusts with his hand holding her jaw for him to press bruising kisses against. His teeth are coming to pull her bottom lip in between.

Something switches in her demeanor though without warning, her voice softer and pliant, “Tell me you love me.”

It has Harry slowing down his hips until he’s rocking deeper into her, going down on his elbows so their noses are bumping. He releases the grip of her chin and instead moves to her bum to encourage her to meet him halfway.

“I love you, s’much it hurts most days,” Harry replies obediently, knowing what his wife needed at that moment. Reassurance. “Most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, then you made us a perfect little baby.”

She’s looking up at him with loving, grateful eyes, landing a gentle peck to his upper lip and letting her head fall back onto the floor. This is what she needed right now from her husband and he was so good at providing.

“Breaks my heart when y’don’t think your a good mum or wife. ‘Cause you’re everythin’ I ever wanted. Why’d you think I write every song about you, lovie? S’cause you’re my soulmate.”

“H,” She whimpers, emotion thick in her throat as she meets his eyes, “I love you so much. You’re the best husband and dad ever.”

“Baby,” Harry murmurs into her cheek, picking up speed as she starts to clench around him in a warning of her oncoming orgasm. He slips his hand down to press a few light rubs to her clit before she’s arching her back and moaning with pleasure.

“You look s’good, coming ‘round my cock,” Harry tells her, helping her ride through it before hitching her hips up even further and thrusting harshly until his hips stutter and he’s coming as well.

“Harry,” Y/N sighs, her breathing coming back to normal as she roams a hand down his shoulders and back - scratching lightly.

“Hmm, dove? Y’want my cock again? Need a few,” He replies into her neck, ever the teenage boy.

She giggles, “No, we have to catch a flight at eight in the morning and it’s currently four-thirty.”

Harry grunts before pulling out and sitting up, “Y’better have packed my favorite pajama pants or I’m goin’ to be cross with you.”

--

Y/N now regrets the second round of fun as soon as their alarm goes off. Her body sore from the position he’d twisted her into against the shower wall after they packed the rest of Sasha necessities.

They were nearly at the airport with Sasha nodding back off in the carseat. She was excited to see her Nana and Aunt Gemma once again.

Their daughter was in the cutest, comfiest jumpsuit with comic hearts all over it *** and adorable little sock sneakers*** that slide right on and off her feet.

Harry had chucked on black sunglasses, a black jumper with green lettering, black joggers, and blue checkered van with white socks. He was attempting to fly under the radar as much as possible because he knew paparazzi just sit outside the entrances to spot celebrities. ***

It was annoying but he could deal with it when he was mobbed at the airport when he was by himself. But when it was with his wife and baby - he couldn’t stomach it. It’s part of the reason they fly private from a private port.

When they pull up to the curb, a staff member is waiting for them and helps Harry as well as the driver put his luggage on a cart to be brought to the awaiting jet.

Y/N unbuckles the baby who is awake now but bleary-eyed as she’s sitting on the curve of her mother’s hip.

And well - that’s when the madness begins. A pap spots them within seconds of exiting the car and is pulling up his camera for the first shots, the other photographers sitting around follow suit.

As soon as one of them screams, “Harry Styles - look this way!” The jam packed area looks towards them, seeming fans of his start murmuring before following behind the paparazzi pulling their phones out.

Y/N is used to the crowds by now - but just like Harry, not with Sasha around. They tried to avoid situations like this as much as possible. The lights and loud noises were scary to the little girl.

“Mummy,” Sasha whines, picking her head up from her mother’s shoulder to stare wide-eyed at the gathering in front of them.

Harry started to feel anxiety because this was becoming a massive crowd - scratch that, it wasn’t a crowd it was a fucking mob of people. They were all too close, blinding the family with their flashes despite security attempting to push them back.

Fans were shoving and thrusting their phones in Harry’s face, shoving random things for him to sign in front of him. Paparazzi were screaming questions and taking thousands of pictures in a minute’s time.

Harry grabs onto Y/N’s hand tightly, their diaper bag on Harry’s shoulder, and begins to attempt to guide them through the swarm. It was like trying to move through cement, the crowd not budging despite security’s screams.

Sasha is full blown crying at this point into her mother’s neck. Y/N’s hand cupping the back of her head to keep her head down and out of the photographs - holding her as tightly as possible.

Y/N can hear Harry began to curse - signaling that he’s becoming stressed out because he would usually never be rude to the public despite their actions. But he couldn’t give a fuck when it came to his family.

“Move out of the way.”

“D’you not see I have a fuckin’ baby?”

“Get those fuckin’ cameras out of their faces.”

“Back the fuck away from my wife and baby.”

Then Y/N is being shoved by a teenage girl who trips when she thrusts her arm towards Harry. She tumbles into Y/N with her full weight and Y/N’s loses her footing, falling forward - letting go of Harry’s hand.

When she falls, she manages to catch herself with the arm that’s not holding her daughter. But she feels pain in her knees and Sasha emits a sharp wail that alerts Y/N her daughter is hurt.

“Sash, fuck,” Y/N gasps, her motherly instincts automatically kicking in and she’s cradling her daughter as tightly to her chest as she can, shielding her from the swarm who had quieted only a bit.

It must take Harry a second to realize that something had happened, he turns around - eyes frantic as he absolutely roars, “Back the fuck up! I’ll fuckin’ break each and everyone of your cameras! Fucking leeches.”

With that, he’s helping to pull you up and grasping at the two, “Are you okay? Wha’s hurt?”

Y/N just shakes her head, having a panic attack as she shuffles the crying baby into his arms. “Please, just...Sasha. I think she hurt her arm when I fell.”

“Daddy, ouch,” Sasha shrieks loudly into his sweatshirt as he hikes her up onto his chest, her little legs wrapped around his midsection.

“Ssh, y’okay,” Harry tries to reassure her, matching his wife’s panic.

The crowd seems to give way now, the parents rushing their daughter into the airport.

Employees guide them to the medical office on-site where it’s now silent and calm but the family feels anything but.

Sasha’s sobs have turned into moans and whimpers at this point - but come back with a vengeance when Harry has to set her on the exam table and wrestle her out of her clothes until she’s just sat in her diaper.

The nurse was so amazing and kind. She checked Sasha thoroughly for any signs of trauma or broken bones but luckily, it was just a nasty scrape on her forearm that was hurting her. It wasn’t anything serious.

The parents had such concern for their daughter that Y/N didn’t even realize she had bled through her white joggers at the knees ***. The nurse frowns, “Honey, you’re still bleeding.”

“I’m fine,” She insisted even though her knees were aching.

“I’d like to examine your legs, dear,” The nurse tells her sternly, signaling that Harry can dress Sasha again.

He’s digging into the diaper bag for a spare out that they were always ready with. She was calming even more when Harry dressed her in a comfy pink set of clothes with little deer on them. ***

“Love, please let her,” Harry asks softly, pulling Sasha back onto his chest. Her thumb tucked into her mouth and her father hands her a plushie that Y/N had shoved in the bag last minute.

Y/N obliges with the pressure, wiggling the loose fabric down her legs until she’s just in her underwear and shirt - sits up on the table with her knees off to the side for her to examine.

Harry grimaces when he sees the multiple cuts and scrapes tainting her skin. A few slow trickles of blood still oozing from the gashes. The skin is already slowly covering purple and blue with bruises.

The nurse cleans her up, Y/N wincing when the alcohol brushes the cuts but Sasha is smiling again like nothing ever happened and cooing at her mum. It makes them both feel a lot better.

--

When they’re finally on the private jet, up high into the clouds away from the crowds and paparazzi - it feels like relief. ***

They had tucked their daughter onto the couch with her favorite fuzzy blanket and she’s asleep nearly as soon as her head hits the pillow.

They trail back into the other part of the cabin so that they don’t disturb her, cuddling up on the couch together.

“M’so sorry, I’m such a bad fa-”

Y/N cuts him off before he begins, “If I’m not allowed to be a bad mum - you’re not allowed to be a bad father. It wasn’t y’fault that happened - it’s those careless, crazed people who have nothing better to do.”

Y/N was always the voice of reason in Harry’s head when he started to spiral.

Spiral because his fame was so overwhelming and got his family into difficult situations sometimes. She brought him back to reality.

“Hey, we’re both okay. Just a few scrapes. It was just a lesson, Harry. We just need to be safer and plan better, alright?” Y/N assures him softly, kissing under his chin before resting back - ready to sleep.

“Y’the best. Best mum, best wife,” Harry tells her, encompassing her in his loving hold.

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