#i’m going to end up friendless and it’s going to be MY fault

[ionlycareaboutyou]

i don’t know why i hate myself so much and i’ve made 100 posts talking about it so i won’t go into it. but it really is hard because i can’t like. talk about it irl too much. bc no one wants to be a self pitying person. that’s how you lose friends. and even when i’m doing well, etc i still feel disdain towards myself and want to claw my way out of my skin or even in more extreme moments hurt myself in very violent ways. but i don’t and i just keep it all bottled up and occasionally it bubbles up to the surface and i make posts like this that i’m not even sure what the point of them are

[aectpen]

cool in my book - loser sung hanbin x boxer reader

m.list

pairing: sung hanbin x fem!reader

synopsis: reader helps hanbin get revenge on his bully

words: 1.3k

you were doing your usual routine of roaming the halls during the lunch period at school. you told yourself it was calming, and you didn’t need to spend lunch with anyone. but it was because you kinda, no not kinda, you literally had no friends. 

you weren’t friendless in a “oh she’s so shy, i feel horrible for her” way. people thought you were mean and intimidating off of the first glance. sure, you did play into it with your not so nice attitude. getting yourself into plenty of fights, but hey it was always their fault.

you could hear whimpering coming from around the corner. you contemplated walking in the other direction, not wanting to go by them. but, your curiosity got the best of you. who was crying? you wanted to be nosey and guess what happened to them.

once you turned the corner and caught sight of who it was, you stopped in your tracks. the boy from your math class. why would someone have a problem with him? he only comes to school to do his work. he has a reputation of being the quiet, nice guy.

he glanced up at you, his nose and lips smeared with blood, clutching his stomach in pain. while you were known for being quite mean, you weren't immune to moments of vulnerability. seeing his quivering lips and his tear stained cheeks evoked an unavoidable sense of guilt.

after debating on walking away from him, you finally decided to help him, dragging him to the nurse’s office. you sat next to him while the nurse gave him an ice pack and returned to her desk.

 “you could come in with a gun shot wound and they’ll give you frozen vegetables.” you commented, earning a faint giggle from him. “who did that to you?”

“you can just go now.” he looked away.

“come on, i won’t judge.” you nudged him.

“yoon jihyun.”

you looked at him in disbelief. “you’re telling me you let that scrawny ass boy beat you up?” 

“hey! you said you wouldn’t judge!”

“okay, i’m sorry. but why would he do that?” you couldn't help but wonder how he managed to find himself in such a situation when he had his nose buried in a textbook 99.9% of the time.

he scratched the back of his head. “well, i said no to cheating on a test for him.”

“come on.” you pulled him up from the chair.

“where are we going?” he jerked his arm back.

raising an eyebrow, you replied. “we’re gonna jump him.”

“i don’t know who you think i am, but i don’t do that stuff.”

“okay, whatever. meet me right after school at the front gate.”

he wasted no time, practically sprinting to the school entrance the moment classes ended. he didn't have the slightest idea about your intentions, but he had no intention of either wasting your time or incurring your wrath.

"good, you're on time. i like that," you commented casually as you walked right past him.

he trailed closely behind. "where are you taking me?"

"you just love asking questions. what's your name?" you inquired.

"sung hanbin."

"my name is—" you began, but he interrupted.

"yn. everyone knows your name."

"now, can you tell me where we're going? this is the opposite direction of my house, and i have to get home to study," he said, glancing at you as you cranked up the music blaring in your headphones.

you finally disclosed the destination to him once you were down the street from it, nudging him to get his attention.

"a gym? i really don't have time for a workout," he said, considering walking away.

"next time you let him beat you like that, he'll do far worse than leave you with cat scratches and a belly ache," you reasoned. "i'm a boxer, i can teach you a thing or two about fighting back."

upon arriving at the gym, you guided him to the octagon. "take it all off," you instructed, gesturing to his school uniform.

"all of it?" he felt a slight blush tinting his cheeks.

“no, dipshit. leave some room for imagination.” you began putting on sweatpants and discarding your dress shirt and blazer.

he hesitantly took off his dress shirt, shoes, and blazer. “seriously, are you gonna beat me up next?”

he sounded extremely genuine. you couldn't help but laugh.

the rest of the afternoon was dedicated to teaching him various fighting techniques, but you noticed his gentleness. he wasn't a terrible fighter; he simply held back, unwilling to inflict harm on anyone.

“i don’t want to hurt you!” he held his bands behind his back.

“hanbin, i’m asking you to throw a punch. it doesn’t have to connect” you pulled his arms from behind him.

“but what if it does, then you start bleeding. then you’ll hate me.” he pouted.

hanbin’s mannerisms did warm your heart. at least there was still good people out in the world.

after the training session, you sprawled out on the floor, munching on a granola bar. rolling over, you glanced at hanbin, who sat there with his tank top clinging to his skin, his hair damp, and his gaze fixed on the wall. you had to admit, he looked hot. the school uniform certainly didn't do him justice.

you were oblivious to the fact that he had returned your steady gaze, your eyes moving over his biceps and tracing the veins that snaked up his hands.

"is there something on my face?" he asked in a soft tone.

you couldn't help but laugh at the striking contrast. "if our classmates saw you like this, they'd be all over you," you remarked boldly.

he scratched his head, asking, "is that a good or bad thing?"

you stared at him in disbelief. "i've never met someone simultaneously so smart and dumb, sung hanbin. i was saying that you look really attractive."

“oh! thank you,” a wide smile spreading on his face. “i mean, you’re really.. pretty.” he awkwardly looked away from you, twiddling his thumbs.

the next day, during the lunch period, you concocted a plan to get revenge on jihyun for hurting hanbin. after spending the day with him, you only felt more angry that he left hanbin crying in the hallway.

"wait right here," you instructed as you left hanbin in an empty room.

"sure thing," he replied, taking a seat at one of the desks.

you walked to the cafeteria and scanned it for jihyun, quickly hearing his loud voice. “jihyun! can i talk to you for a second?” 

surprisingly, jihyun followed you to the classroom where hanbin was waiting. he pointed at hanbin and asked, "what's this about?"

you rested your hands on your hips. "i'm giving you a chance to apologize to him."

“since when did you of all people become mother theresa.” he laughed. “and you. don’t you feel embarrassed? you can’t handle your stuff like a man? don’t make me bitch you again.”

“don’t talk to him like that,” you punched him square in the jaw.

he looked at you with pure anger before lunging straight at you. pushing you against a desk.

but before his fist could connect, hanbin held his arm back and forced him to the ground. jihyun tried getting up, but hanbin repeatedly punched him. 

you stood off to the side wanting to stop him from sending jihyun to the hospital, but you were highkey impressed. he definitely always had that in him. 

hanbin stopped once jihyun stopped fighting back.

“damn, hanbin. not bad.” you held out your fist.

“i’m telling the principal. i’m getting him expelled!” jihyun cried out.

you saw a flash of panic on hanbin’s face. the last thing he wanted was to get in trouble in school. did you corrupt him?

“you’re not gonna get in trouble,” you reassured him. “i’ll take the blame.”

“no, you can’t. it’s my fault you’re in this mess anyway.”

“my highest grade is a D+. i don't think they’ll lose sleep if i get into another scuffle."

“you people make me sick.” jihyun held his nose and ran out the room.

you two laughed at his dramatic reaction. 

“hanbin, you’re cool in my book.” 

“you were always cool in my book.” he responded.

[mochinek0]

Heartache

"I am Heartache!" the akuma roared, "Everyone will know the pain I feel. Everyone keeps pain bottled up inside and I'm tired of hurting!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir looked around their surroundings. When people were hit, they were forced to admit things that hurt them. They were shouting how much they hated their jobs, some of them how much they hated their families, some were saying how much they hated the person they were dating. It wasn't their best day.

They carefully avoided the attacks, but Ladybug accidentally got hit. She collapsed on the roof and curled up in a ball, trying to keep her thoughts inside. She didn't.

"I wish I was never made Ladybug! I wish I wasn't the Guardian! I wish I could be normal! I wish the boy I have a crush on liked me back!" she shouted.

No one spoke a word. Chat hovered over her and frowned. In a way, it humanized her for all of Paris. They had all seen a heroine and savior, but here was this girl, terrified of what she had been doing. She hadn't wanted to save them, but she was forced to. They watched as Ladybug began to sob. Chat Noir quickly picked her up and rushed away.

Chat settled them against a rooftop, hidden from view. Ladybug curled up in his lap and continued to cry. The Weilder of Destruction held her and purred, hoping to soothe her. Her sobs quickly turned into sniffles and then stopped, all together. The Weilder of Creation took a deep breath and pushed away from Chat's chest.

"Thank you, Chat." she whispered, "Let's go get the akuma."

"Ladybug, you just-" he began.

"It's part of the job, Chat." she answered, with a smile "Think....Elsa. Conceal; don't feel. Don't let it show."

As she jumped onto the next roof and rushed towards the akuma, Chat Noir couldn't help but wonder how many fake smiles she had worn.

Adrien was walking back onto campus when he heard something. It sounded like arguing.

'Maybe, I can stop an akumatization from happening. Bugaboo will be so proud on me! '

Adrien crouched and moved closer to the sounds of the yelling. He could easily transform from the spot up ahead and prevent anything from getting out of control. Adrien peered around the corner of the building and watched as Lila shoved Marinette down on the ground.

"You're just as pathetic as I thought!" Lila sneered, "Soon you'll be lonely and friendless. Everyone will think it was your own fault. Once I win, Adrien will cast you aside. He already hates you. Everyone thinks so and what everyone think, is seen as true. I have all of them wrapped around my finger. It's only a matter of time until I get you expelled again."

Lila laughed and walked away. Marinette laid still for a moment, on the ground.

'How long has this been going on? Why hasn't Marinette said anything about this?'

Adrien walked closer to confront Marinette about what he just witnessed.

"Conceal; don't feel." She sighed, "Don't let it show."

Adrien froze. He watched as Marinette dusted herself off and adjusted her hair. Marinette smiled and walked away, heading towards the classroom. She never even noticed he was there.

'Marinette is Ladybug. Lila has been hurting M'Lady. She's been suffering silently this whole time. That bitch is going down!'

Adrien sat across from Mrs. Rossi, in their home.

"I'm sorry for the sudden visit, but I really need to talk to you about your daughter." Adrien declared, "I thought I should tell you everything before she ends up sued with a mountain of lawsuits."

"Sued?" she shouted, "Lawsuits?"

"Well," he answered, "she's been sexually harassing me. Father takes those kinds of things seriously. He even bans people from events and photoshoots."

"Why would you sue your girlfriend?" Mrs. Rossi asked "I'm sure if you told her, she would stop. Maybe she misunderstood something."

"Mrs. Rossi, I am not dating your daughter. I have never dated your daughter." Adrien replied, blushing, "I'm actually in love with a girl with black hair and blue eyes. She....she's my best friend. She's amazing, confident, and smart."

'He really seems to like this girl. Why would Lila tell me they were together? He doesn't seem to be lying to me. I wonder what kind of lies my daughter has been telling. It's obvious she's already lied to me.'

Adrien continued with a smile, "She reminds me of Ladybug. I even call her my 'Everyday Ladybug'."

"That failure?" Lila's mother questioned, before she could stop herself.

"Failure?" Adrien shouted in surprise.

He quickly brought out his phone and brought up Alya's blog. He purposefully brought up Alya's first time interviewing Lila, saying they were best friends.

"This is from the first day your daughter came to school. She quickly became popular, saying she knew Ladybug's identity and they were best friends." the Agreste heir explained, "Ladybug actually stopped her in front of me and called her out on her lies. Ladybug said she had never been to Italy, nor had she ever saved your daughter. She went on to list that they weren't 'best friends'. Your daughter got akumatized and tried to force me on a date as an akuma."

"She got akumatized!" her mother exclaimed, "She never told me that!"

"She's been akumatized several times." he spoke, "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but she keeps lying at school She keeps promising classmates help with all these 'celebrity connections'. Almost everyone believes her. I've been trying to ask out my best friend and your daughter keeps bullying her! The girl I like, she keeps trying to tell people your daughter is lying to them. Your daughter starts to cry and says she's not lying, so she ends up plays the victim. She's been saying my best friend is bullying her. I saw your daughter bully her with my own eyes. She laughed at my best friend, telling her how she was almost all alone. Anytime I try to be alone with her, your daughter gets my arm and drags me away."

Adrien lifted his shirts to reveal nail marks.

"I just saw Layla shove her down the other day." he continued, "She even told the school she has a disease that makes her fabricate evidence when she's under so much stress. She blames you for pulling her out of school so much and forcing her to travel with you, all over the world."

Mrs. Rossi couldn't stand to listen to another minute of this.

'I need to get to the bottom of this. I don't think he's lying, but I need to hear this from the school.'

"Let's get you to the school." she smiled, "I'm sure you would rather talk to that future girlfriend of yours."

Adrien blushed and looked down at his lap.

'Yeah. That's definitely a boy in love.'

"Marinette!" Adrien shouted, "Will you go out on a date with me?"

Marinette blushed as the whole class focused their attention on her.

"You.....You like me?" Marinette questioned.

"Yeah." Adrien spoke, rubbing the back of his neck, "I've been trying to find you all week. I wanted to ask you, privately, but I just couldn't resist waiting anymore. So will you?"

"Huh?" Marinette blinked, still confused.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" Adrien asked again.

"Oh!" Mari answered, "Yes!"

Adrien quickly hugged her. Marinette kept still as her face was buried in his chest. She could hear people around them cheer.

The moment was quickly ruined by Lila's sobbing.

"How could you cheat on me?" she cried out.

"What are you talking about, Lila?" Adrien asked, pretending to be confused, "I have a thing for girls with dark hair; you're hair is brown. Even my ex has dark hair."

Lila couldn't help, but see red. She had worked so hard on her plans. She told everyone they were dating and keeping it a secret from Marinette. She had even told them that she had talked to Adrien about Marinette's habit of following him; that he said to ignore her. Now, here he was asking her out! He ruined everything! Lila stormed through their classmates. No one had ever seen her so pissed off.

"I don't even know what you see in her!" she shouted, pointing at Mari, "She's a useless nobody!"

Adrien glared back, "For one thing, Layla, I know she's not a liar!"

"It's-" she began.

"Layla Rossi!" her mother called out from the doorway.

"Mama!" Lila yelped, in shock.

She turned her glare away from her daughter and smiled at the model, "Thank you, Adrien, for letting me know how much my daughter has been misbehaving in school. Oh, and I see you finally asked out the young lady. Congradulations on making her your girlfriend."

Adrien smiled, brightly, "Thank you, Mrs. Rossi."

"We're leaving." her mother stated.

"But-" Lila tried to argue.

"You are going back to Italy and I already have a school in mind." Colette declared, "You will also be starting the school year over."

Lila looked at her mother in tears, "Why?"

"Your fake lying disease, for one!" her mother snapped, "How about missing half the school year, while you were at home. You lied to me, Layla! You told me everyone in your school was akumatized and you were terrified!"

"Mama." the Italian pleaded, "Please. I want-"

"I no longer care what you want; I'll be doing whatever is necessary to make sure you get what you need! Layla Rossi, we are leaving and you are grounded until we leave! No phone. No internet. No electronics." Her mother insisted, "I've already disconnected your phone and changed the wi-fi password."

Alya looked between Lila, Adrien, Marinette, and Lila's mother. She didn't understand what was going on. Why would Lila say she was secretly dating Adrien, but he was asking out Marinette? Lila accused him of cheating, but he said she wasn't his type. Why was her mother thanking Adrien and why would Lila tell her mother everyone was akumatized? What lying disease? Why would her mother say she missed half the year? She went on trips with her. Now, she was about to change schools!

"What's going on?" Alya asked, interrupting the serious conversation.

"I had been looking for Marinette so I could confess. Instead, I saw Lila shove Marinette down and heard Lila threaten her. Lila was telling Mari how I would be 'hers' and how she had 'all of you guys wrapped around her finger'. She told Marinette she was going to be all alone; friendless. " Adrien admitted with a smile, "Once I saw Lila was bullying Marinette, I decided to tell her mother. I had to learn from her mother that she was telling people that we were dating."

"I listened to Adrien, but I also came to the school to see what was going on for myself." her mother declared, "I found out that Layla has been skipping school, telling you that she's been traveling with me, and that she has a lying disease that makes her fabricate evidence when she is stressed. I've already reprimanded your prinicipal for his idiocy. It sounds like you got caught up in a lie and just didn't want to be punished."

"So, the celebrities?" Rose squeaked.

"Lies." her mother huffed, "Like all of the trips."

"Why?" asked Kim.

"We would have been friends with you." spoke Mylene.

"Yeah." replied Ivan.

"Not all of us are celebrities like Chloe, Adrien, or Marinette." stated Sabrina.

"How is Marinette a celebrity?" bit out Lila.

"Marinette is Jagged Stone's personal designer." Adrien answered, "Not to mention, both my father and Style Queen love her work. I've already worn something designed by her on Father's runway. Style Queen, herself, offered her an internship."

Marinette blushed under all of the praise. Lila looked at her in shock.

'That's how she knew.'

"Marinette doesn't brag; that's another thing that sets her apart from you. She could be at my father's level and she would still be this sweet, innocent, humble person." Adrien continued, before kissing the top of her head.

Marinette quickly turned and buried her face in his chest. Everyone could see the soft look he was giving her. They could tell the Agreste heir really did care for the girl in his arms. Mrs. Rossi could see the hurt in her daughter's eyes, but more than anything, she could see anger.

"Layla, let's go." she spoke up.

"But-" Lila tried to beg.

"Now, before I send you to boot camp." her mother declared, walking out of the room.

Lila quickly followed. No one knew what to say. They were all still in a state of disbelief. They had listened to a liar and turned their backs on someone they trusted.

"Is it alright if I sit with you?" Adrien spoke up.

Marinette nodded her head. He smiled as he followed her to the seat in the back row. Adrien took out a piece of paper and quickly wrote something down. With a smirk, he slid it over to Marinette. Confused, Mari took the note and took a peek.

Got to have my partner's back; don't I, Bugaboo?

Marinette froze and could feel her face heat up. She turned and looked at him, only to find him already looking at her. He just smiled and winked. Immediately, Marinette buried her face in her hands.

'It really is him! Adrien was Chat all this time! I rejected him constantly and confessed to him twice!'

Adrien smiled to himself as he watched her blush creep up to the tips of her ears.

'Cute. My little bug. I knew I would recognize her. I even called her my 'Everyday Ladybug'.'

He slid the note towards himself and quickly added another comment. With another smile, he passed it back. He tapped it and let her look at the note.

I knew I would fall in love with the girl behind the mask.

Marinette quickly turned to him in shock. Very quickly, she added to the note.

Seriously?

Of course.

Marinette looked at the paper in disbelief. She could recall confessing to Chat Noir and him rejecting her. He had been arrogant enough to claim he was so awesome he would have married himself, if possible. She even remembered Adrien saying he was in love with another girl to her face; ironically, it was her. Marinette smiled and wrote on the paper. She slid it back to him and waited to see his reaction.

Then, how come you were too blind to realize you were the guy I was rejecting you for? I'm pretty sure I'm 'just a friend'.

Adrien looked at the note and turned red. He looked up at her in shock. Marinette just winked at him.

'Game on, Kitty.'

Seriously?

Yep

All this time?

Way before the rooftop with the petals. (That was beautiful by the way) It was always you.

Adrien put his face on the desk, in shame. Marinette could barely make out what she was hearing, but it sounded like a kitten trying to sound intimidating. She couldn't help but giggle. Adrien turned to her with a pout and giant kitten eyes.

"What?" Marinette asked out loud.

Adrien grabbed the paper, wrote, and slid it back.

Do you really want to date the model version of me?

Marinette rolled her eyes.

I never liked you for being a model. I like the you that was honest with me and your laugh. We can talk more at patrol.

She slid the note over. Adrien smiled as he read it. She could tell her answer meant a lot to him.

"We'll have to discuss rules." Ladybug stated, during patrol.

Chat Noir just whined.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir can't be seen in a relationship." she declared.

"Why not?" He questioned.

"Hawkmoth will come after us more then ever." Ladybug stated.

Chat sighed, "Fair, but if my father forces us to break up, then can Ladybug and Chat Noir date? There's no way I'm losing you just cause of some stupid fashion appearance he wants for me."

"Fine. No nicknames dealing with our hero selves in public." she continued, "Keep the flirting to a minimum."

Chat Noir simply pouted.

Ladybug smirked, "You can still visit, but we can't be distracted."

The weilder of Destruction leaned towards her, "Are you saying you find me distracting?"

Ladybug blushed and quickly looked away. She was still getting use to the idea of Adrien and Chat Noir being the same. Adrien flirting with her was too much at the moment. Chat looked towards his lady and found her cheeks were still pink. He couldn't help the smile that crossed his face.

'She's so cute and all mine.'

Chat Noir grabbed her hand and kissed it. By impulse, she pushed him away by his nose. He simply winked and left the tower, leaving Ladybug flustered.

"See you in an hour, Bugaboo!" he called out.

"Stop calling me that!" she shouted and quickly fled in the opposite direction.

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[smilesrobotlover]

Ok Smiles I couldn’t find it anywhere but I’d love commentary on any part of that fic you wrote where Blue is touchstarved and the other colors comfort him abddhffh I love that one

-Sky Floor

Don’t worry bestie I got you. It’s right here

Ok, I honestly don’t know where I got the idea to write Blue the way I did. In the manga he’s a very angry and tough guy but he has a soft spot (he cries when they say goodbye :() so imagined it all goes a lot deeper than just anger. Originally I was gonna have Leon comfort Blue in the end but I decided it would’ve been better if the colors comforted him so that I have all of them in one fic you know? Now, I’m not a neat person, I don’t keep my room clean and while I do occasionally organize things, I’m not neat like Blue is. However I think I am very shy and reclusive and I really projected that onto him. I mean he doesn’t have that many connections in the manga. Green is the most like Link and is the leader and so I imagine that he and Zelda get along the best, Vio was close with Shadow, and while he’s rude too I don’t think he’d be shy. And Red is just a little Angel who I feel like would keep in touch with Erune and the kids! But Blue didn’t have that many connections to me. Except with the colors of course

Now the part where he looks for Green and Zelda and hears their laughter and decides not to join them is def something I’ve felt. The self consciousness and believing that people really don’t enjoy being around you is rough, they probably feel obligated to be around you and are just being polite. And it’s hard when you don’t know if they’re being genuine or polite. So you start to spiral into overthinking it all. Blue feels sad hearing Green and Zelda having fun and he doesn’t want to ruin anything, so he decides to stay alone. You know in movies or irl when you hear laughter and it just makes you feel hollow? Yeah that’s what I was trying to convey there.

The most frustrating part of being very shy and introverted is that you do eventually feel lonely. Whether you like it or not, humans are social creatures and we NEED connections. Even tho I can be alone for a while, I need to at least talk to someone. Blue has spent a lot of time alone and he begins to feel left out and hated and all that stuff. He can handle being alone, but not for a long time. And the most annoying thing is that there’s a simple solution to loneliness, go out, socialize, make friends, all that. But it’s really not that easy. I’ve been told so many times that I need to go out and be with people more, and I KNOW that, I know that I get lonely and I know that I need to at least hang out with some people sometimes, but It’s HARD. It’s so hard and people who don’t struggle socially DO NOT understand how hard it is. I feel like I get super anxious whenever I’m in small groups of people where I have to hold up some conversation, big groups is fine but going to a grocery store or trying to find a job or calling someone on the phone is scary and I hate it, and no one seems to understand it. I tried to convey this with Blue, and even the blame that I put on myself on him. He keeps saying that it’s his fault that he’s lonely and that he’s friendless. He won’t go out and talk to people, he won’t make the effort to reach out, therefore HE shouldn’t have the right to even complain about it because HE can solve the issue so easily. And he doesn’t feel like he can talk to people about it because they’ll say “you need to go out and socialize” or something like that so he doesn’t say anything cuz it’s his fault. I just kinda wish that some people understood that not everyone’s strong enough to reach out on their own. And that just talking to people can be terrifying.

And the part where Blue is watching everyone have fun, and the feeling of being left out. It HURTS. It’s hurts so bad, and it’s worse cuz you know that the problem will be solved if you just move to join them and to have fun but you’re so upset that you don’t know how to do anything else except to curl up alone in your room. You don’t know if you’ll even be in the write mood to have fun, you don’t know if you’ll ruin their fun with your presence, you don’t know if they even want you there. I’ve def felt that too many times and it’s so so hard. Now the part where the colors come in and comfort him hasn’t actually happened to me eheh…. But it was needed for him. The colors love Blue and they do want to be with him, Blue was just overthinking and they didn’t know that he was feeling that way because he didn’t say anything. Also the nickname blueberry I felt was very cute lol. And it’s def something Red would call him.

Idk I’m not a touchy person but sometimes a hug goes a long way, sometimes you may need a hug. And yeah, that’s all I have to say about that dhksbsksbsk hope it was a fun read and I’m glad you like it!

[i-had-to-make-an-account]

What if Midoriya was hit by a quirk erasing bullet?

I desperately need someone to write this. It’s been swimming around in my head, but I know my talents, and creative writing isn’t one of them, so I’m putting it up here:

Give me a fic where Midoriya gets hit by a quirk erasing bullet.

Because here’s the thing – Midoriya’s whole life and purpose is heroics. But until he miraculously received One-for-All, literally no-one believed he could ever be a hero, and there’s a good chance Midoriya didn’t really believe he could do it either. We all know that a quirk isn’t what makes Midoriya a hero. But in the mind of child whose life was hell until he got a quirk, you can’t convince me that the only reason Midoriya thinks he has value and purpose and friends now is because of said quirk (afterall, it’s the only variable that’s changed right? He’s still the same he’s been his whole life when he was bullied and was friendless, things only got better when he got a quirk, so obviously the quirk is the only thing that actually matters (not Midoriya, not really, but that's ok. He'll do anything to be a hero, and one day he'll pass the quirk on to someone who was actually born to be a hero and didn't luck into it like he did).

But the quirk, the magic cure that fixed everything wrong with his life is gone. Not only that, All Might himself intrusted him with this quirk and he lost it (there will be no tenth user. One-for-all is gone and it’s Midoriya’s fault. He can't look All Might in the face anymore. He should have chosen Mirio as his successor). And suddenly all that growth and confidence and happiness he’s gained since he got into UA is gone because the quirk is gone (that’s the only reason anything changed, why anyone cared and now it’s gone) and now things will go back to the way they were and he can’t live like that, not again not when he knows how good it can be. (But it’s all his fault anyway, he has never been anything but useless, even if it was nice to pretend for a while that he wasn't).

Give me an Aizawa Shouta who is doing everything he can to try and support his Problem Child, but unwittingly making it worse, because no-one told him that Midoriya grew up Quirkless. He tells him to take time, pulls him from hero training (because he knows Midoriya, knows a lack of a quirk won’t stop him throwing himself in danger, but Midoriya’s eyes have been so dead since he lost his quirk and Aizawa is worried, and his Problem Child needs to heal). Midoriya attends the mandated counselling sessions. He doesn’t tell the therapist that he knows she’s reading word-for-word from resources for supporting quirkless children. He knows it’s word-for-word because he’s memorised practically every resource on quirklessness since he was diagnosed (they’re all bullshit). The therapist tells him that being Quirkless isn’t the end. Midoriya smiles and nods and swallows the scream that she has no idea what it’s actually like (The words taste like poison. That’s ok, he’s not sure he’s really alive anymore anyway). Mirio tries to cheer him up by saying it's not that bad. Midoriya doesn't have the heart to tell him the truth (or maybe Mirio will be fine. Maybe quirklessness isn't the problem, maybe the problem has always been Midoriya).

Give me a Katsuki Bakugou who has grown and matured and realised that the way he treated Izuku, the way others let him treat Izuku wasn’t right. He hadn’t noticed just how much better and happier Midoriya had become at UA until suddenly Midoriya is acting like he used to at Aldera and it’s so wrong. (Kacchan calls him Deku and Midoriya goes still and small and don’t antagonise him, don’t draw his attention. He calls him Izuku after that and somehow that’s so much worse).

Give me a Midoriya whose dreams have been crushed because he’s not a naïve 14 year-old anymore. He’s seen how hard it is to be a hero and everyone was right. You can’t do that quirkless (and if they were right about that, well they were probably right about everything else weren’t they? Jump off the roof and see if you get a quirk in the next life). Give me a Bakugou that pulls Midoriya aside and tells him you’re wrong, you are a hero, you were always a hero and you’re going to let something as small as a bullet stop you? and You’re going to be at the top right along with me Deku. And Midoriya is furious at first because the last thing he ever wanted was Bakugou’s pity (Fuck you shitty Deku, you think I’m saying this to make you feel better?! I’m saying it because it’s fucking true, and you ain’t gonna hear me say it ever fucking again).

And really that’s all he’s ever needed isn’t it? Someone who really, truly believes he can do this (Kacchan believes in him. That’s more than enough for him to believe in himself too).

Midoriya pulls out every Hero Analysis for the Future book, every half-sketched thought or design on how he could be a Quirkless hero and he runs with it (Hatsume is over the moon with all the new ideas for her babies and what better way to secure her name in the history books than her gear seeing a quirkless hero to the top?). Midoriya shows up to hero training with an arsenal on his back and fire in his eyes, and Aizawa grins like a devil at the sight because there’s that spark he was so worried had disappeared along with the quirk (Midoriya is worried that Aizawa will tell him no. Aizawa proceeds to identify every potential issue and weakness with Midoriya’s new ensemble and recommends solutions and offers training for his new style going forward. He knows a thing or two about fighting quirkless). Midoriya hasn’t cried since he lost One-for-All. He cries when Aizawa makes it clear that he still thinks Midoriya has potential.

And here’s the thing. When he wasn’t dealing with the latest villain attack, Midoriya had poured every ounce of his time, energy and training into controlling One-for-All. (What was the point in developing anything else? Everyone made it abundantly clear that quirks were what made a hero). But he knows that being a quirkless hero will be hard and so he throws everything at it. No-one who knew Midoriya would think he was stupid. But ever since All Might had given him his chance, he had been prioritising brawn over brain. Everyone is about to learn how terrifyingly brilliant he can be when the brains come first (Nedzu is thrilled. He is also very, very, glad that Midoriya is so unfailingly good. Villains have been made from far less and Midoriya would make a very dangerous villain).

Maybe the quirk erasing bullet is permanent. Maybe it isn’t. In the end it doesn’t matter. Midoriya will be a hero.

[theringers]

friends with benefits - charles leclerc

summary: type A planner best friend lives with no thoughts head empty best friend and they decide to start sleeping together

request: 37 , 70, 78 w charles😃

prompts: 37) “Please? I'll be good, I promise!" 70) “we’re just…friends.” “friends don’t do this type of shit!” 78) “Not to make things weird, but I thought about you when I came last night.”

a/n: charles, head empty no thoughts just his hot roommate and his inability to keep things to himself

warnings: nsfw, 18+, angst kinda, friends to fuck buddies, oral sex

“Could you uhhhhh do me a favor?” You asked Charles. The fuzzy blanket was draped over both of you and he was about to press play on the movie.

His eyes rolled. “What do you need, my love?” He asked in a sarcastic tone.

“Can you maybe make some popcorn?” You tried to slow your words down a bit, for some reason thinking he would be more inclined to say yes if you asked like that.

He exhaled loudly. “Fine.” He tossed the blanket over to you so he could get up off the couch. “But only because now you’ve got that thought in my mind and I want it.”

“If doing things for yourself instead of me makes you feel better, that’s okay with me.” You smiled. This was a typical weeknight for the two of you.

You were a self proclaimed movie critic. Charles just got stuck with a self proclaimed movie critic as a roommate, but it made for some entertaining nights.

The two of you met in high school and immediately formed a bond. Everything between you two was easygoing and laid back, which he loved. He was never a huge people person or party type and neither were you.

You found peace in each other’s silent company and eventually realized you had more in common than you first thought. That following summer, you did practically everything together. Charles had a couple girlfriends here and there and you had a couple boyfriends as well, but it didn’t really matter. Nothing ever stuck.

College rolled around and you weren’t sure what to do. You wanted to stay in Monaco close to your family, but you just couldn’t live at home anymore. Lucky for you, Charles offered to let you move into his spare bedroom until you could make a decision. It had been years and you were still in that spare bedroom. The thought of moving out and doing something different hadn’t crossed your mind since the day you moved in.

“Do you want butter or no butter?” He asked from the kitchen, hands full of popcorn bags.

“Come on is that even a question?”

“Right. Butter. Lots of it.” He threw the bag into the microwave and it started to pop.

He came back with a bowl full of steaming popcorn and handed it to you.

“Be careful it’s,” he looked at you to see your mouth wide open and steam coming out, “hot.”

“Almost hotter than you,” you said once you caught your breath.

He rolled his eyes and fake laughed. “Hilarious, y/n.”

“I’m being serious.”

“C’mon, we’ve talked about this.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I think you’re hot,” you said. Every time this was brought up, he got so flustered. Which was why you continued to joke around with him and flirt with him. He would never act on it.

“Y/n…. I’m gonna go to bed if you keep this up.” He was annoyed.

“I’m sorry. Please stay? I’ll be good, I promise.” You batted your eyelashes at him.

“Fine, but you gotta stop,” he said, pulling your legs onto his lap so you could lounge more comfortably.

A rom-com was playing on the TV and the sound of munching on popcorn was filling the room.

A long distance relationship played out on the screen. Lots of phone calls, lots of phone sex, lots of jerking off to each other’s photos. You shifted in your seat, trying to seem casual and not uncomfortable.

“Not to make things weird, but I thought about you when I came last night.” You stopped shifting and looked at Charles.

“So much for ‘we’ve talked about this’.” You held up air quotes. “Care to elaborate?” He was known for saying out of pocket things. Sometimes you weren’t sure if he fully thought things through before he said them.

“I mean, not really. The movie just reminded me of it.”

You couldn’t think of a response quick enough so he continued to talk. “You always say whatever’s on your mind so I thought I might try it out.”

“You don’t do that enough already?”

“I’m trying to be more honest.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes at him. “I applaud you for that. But you can’t just leave me hanging like this.”

“Don’t hate me, that’s all I’m going to say.” His hand rubbed up and down your shins that were resting on his lap.

“I could never hate you, Charles.”

“Last night when you took a shower, you left the bathroom door wide open. I was just walking back to my room from the kitchen, I didn’t mean to-”

You laughed and interrupted him. “Charles, it’s okay. That’s my fault.”

“I just glanced, I promise. But I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind. And my cock was still really hard after a while.”

“You knew I was awake, you should have come to my room,” you said. It sounded good in theory but if you were being honest with yourself, you wouldn’t know what to do if he showed up at your bedroom door with a boner.

“We’re just friends though. Friends don’t do that type of shit.” He took a deep breath and looked off in the distance. Anything to avoid eye contact.

“Says who?” He looked at you and tilted his head in confusion. “A lot of friends do that type of shit. There’s even a word for it.”

“Have you thought about this before?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t… Charles, we’re two young twenty somethings that live together. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what it would be like if we were sleeping together.”

“I don’t mean this in a bad way but I honestly didn’t think about it until I saw you.”

“Maybe it’s just the hopeless romantic in me.” You had thought about what a perfect storyline it would make for you two to sleep together but never the reality of actually getting into bed with him. Now that made you nervous.

“More like the horny romantic”

“Very funny…” You tossed a piece of popcorn at him and he swatted it away.

“So, are we doing this thing?” He turned his attention from the TV to you.

“Tell me you didn’t just actually ask me that question.” He was blunt and never beat around the bush.

“I did, and I would like an answer, please.” You wanted to smack that stupid smile off of his face for how he was making you feel.

“What’s this thing?” He needed to spell it out.

“Are you,” he pointed to you, “going to let me,” his finger moved to himself, “inside of you?”

You burst out laughing. “It’s a good thing you’re pretty. We need to set some ground rules for this.”

“Rules?” He didn’t look like he was a fan of rules. And as his roommate, you knew he wasn’t a fan of them. Just ask the groceries you’ve gone shopping for two months in a row.

“Our friendship, our cohabitation, you know. I’m not just going to let you go willy nilly on me without making sure you aren’t going to leave me friendless or homeless after.” Nothing could be done with you unless it was carefully planned. All possible outcomes had to be thought through.

“I would never leave you friendless or homeless.”

“Even if I was the worst person at sex, in the world, ever?”

“I highly doubt you’re the worst, but even if you were.”

“You’d still fuck me, even if everyone in the entire world was better than me. Damn I’m lucky.”

“Here’s a rule for you. You need to tell me how it feels. I’ll fuck you however you want to be fucked so you better tell me when something feels good.” Charles said.

“I can do that. If you like something I do, tell me. If you don’t, tell me.” You talked a big game but telling Charles how he made you feel sexually made your spine tingle, and you weren’t sure if it was anxiety or desire.

“I doubt there’s anything you can do to my body that I won’t like.” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. He was a guy after all.

“You wanna bet?” You asked, lunging at him jokingly.

“Sure, I’d like to see you try.”

“I guess I will, then.” You just needed time to plan it first.

He stood up and held out his hand for you to take. “Now that we’ve talked about it, I can’t get it off my mind.”

“You want to do this, right now?” Panic set in. This was too sudden.

“Right now,” he said, confidently. “If, that’s what you want, of course.”

“Okay.” You followed him into the hallway, bypassing your bedroom and ending up in his.

You took a few shy steps around, like you’d never been in there before. “Do you want to get on top or do you want me to?”

“Y/n…” He needed you to just relax and let go.

“Right, right, let’s just do it.” You took a step forward and he grabbed your face in his hands. Your lips moved with his, feeling soft and warm. There was only so much in your life you could plan. This was never part of it.

He slowly guided you to his bed and gently pushed you backwards. His shirt slid over his head and you admired his body, looking at him in a different light. He never took his shirt off around you with sexual intentions but this was new. And fun.

You smiled at him, both of you acknowledging what you were about to do. It made you explode inside thinking about how much you were enjoying this, letting someone else take control and letting go. You shouldn’t be enjoying this, you thought. Snap out of it.

“Before we start, is there anything you really don’t like?” He asked, reaching for the button of your denim shorts. You nodded side to side, giving him permission to pull the shorts down your legs.

He immediately pulled your thong aside and slipped a finger between your folds. He smiled feeling the wetness. “Thinking about us fucking is turning you on, isn’t it?”

“Don’t embarrass me,” you shot him a look and he understood.

“I’m not embarrassing you. It’s sexy.” He kneeled between your legs on the floor.

“Well, keep it to yourself,” you said.

“Why would I keep it to myself when I have physical proof that thinking about us is turning you on?” One of his fingers easily slid inside of you and your hips shifted as you rolled your eyes at him. “Is this okay?” He asked, concerned by your movements.

“Yes,” you said, unsure of what else to say. You didn’t want to give him any more ammo to make fun of you. You told each other everything but this was one side of you he never saw, and you didn’t think he ever would. Vulnerability at its finest, but you agreed to this.

His finger moved in and out of you and the sounds of your wet pussy made you want to cover your face and hide. He added a second and slowly curled his fingers up to hit your g-spot. A soft moan escaped your lips despite the fact that you were trying hard to keep them to yourself.

“Tell me how it feels.” He said.

“It feels,” you took a moment to breathe in, “so good.” He used his other hand to play with your clit, causing you more pleasure. You were looking at the ceiling, finding it hard to acknowledge that Charles was the one making you feel like this. If you squeezed your eyes shut hard enough, maybe this wouldn’t be something you needed to worry about.

A euphoric feeling began to build in your stomach, your legs slowly going numb in the best way possible. You continued to try and hold in your moans but when you hit your climax, everything was uncontrollable. Your body jerked and moans fell as you rode out your high.

You opened your eyes to see Charles pulling his fingers out and smiling. He made you feel that way and while you lay half naked on his bed post-orgasm, it was starting to feel okay. How much more vulnerable could you get with him than this?

He stood up and pulled his sweatpants off, his hard cock springing out of his cotton boxers. Your jaw dropped and you couldn’t help but stare as he stroked himself, preparing for you. He noticed, but ignored it, granting your request of not embarrassing you. The look he shot you was enough to know that he was aware of your stares.

“I’m only gonna say it one more time,” he said, leaning on top of you with his hands on either side of your head. “You need to tell me how it feels, or I’m going to start talking really dirty with you.”

You laughed, feeling more relaxed than before. “I almost want to keep quiet on purpose just to see that.”

He dipped his head in disappointment. “Not funny.”

“I think I’m pretty funny.”

“You are, but I want to make you feel good. I’d rather know then instead of you telling me I sucked after.”

“Okay, okay,” you obliged. He nodded and positioned himself at your entrance, slowly pushing himself inside of you.

You had to adjust to his size - his dick was nothing like his fingers. He didn’t give you much time before he started moving and you didn’t even care. He felt so good inside of you and seeing his body on top of you was putting you at ease rather than stressing you out, like you had expected it to.

His head rested in the crook of your neck, giving you perfect access to his ear. Almost like he did it on purpose, to make you more comfortable. You didn’t have to look at him in the eyes and admit how good he was making you feel. “Your dick feels so good,” you whispered in his ear and he grunted in response.

“You’re so tight, fuck,” he said into your ear, slightly nibbling on the lobe.

His hips moved rhythmically while you lifted your feet onto his back to change the angle. You couldn’t help but let more moans slip out at the feeling. “I think I’m gonna cum,” you said, quietly.

“Let go,” he said followed by a few expletives. His pelvis ground into you, creating a sensation on your clit you’ve never experienced.

You felt your second orgasm of the night build up as he continued to fuck you, keeping the same pace. You held your hands on his back and let moans fall to his ear making sure he knew how good you felt.

He pulled out of you and your body felt like deadweight. You were glued to the bed and couldn’t find the energy to get up. “How was that?” He asked. Of course he couldn’t give you a second to recover before opening his mouth.

“Great,” you smiled, propping yourself up on your elbows. “Did you finish?” You sure hadn’t felt him cum inside of you and you don’t think he wore a condominium either.

“No, but I just wanted to make sure you felt good.” He picked his sweatpants up off the floor and went to put his boxers back on before you stopped him.

“Unacceptable. I’m not going to let you jerk off thinking about me two nights in a row. Especially not after I was just naked in your bed.” Your post-orgasm confidence was showing when you dropped to your knees in front of him and took his still hard cock in your hand.

Slick juices still covered it, making it easier for you once you took him in your mouth. He was bigger than you expected, so you started swirling your tongue around the tip while your hand worked at the rest of him. “Shit,” you could hear him say.

You slowly took more of him, hollowing out your cheeks in response to his moans. His hand found the back of your head but rested there, not wanting to pressure you for more but he couldn’t resist once you fit almost all of him in your mouth.

The sounds he made caused butterflies in your stomach knowing that you were the sole reason for those sounds. His grip got tighter on you and he started to thrust into you when you felt a warm liquid shoot down your throat.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he grunted while you took every last drop. You stood up and took a step back, swiping your finger over your bottom lip.

He looked at you with the same eyes you looked at him after he finished fucking you. “So, uh,” he said. “Where do we go from here?”

You nervously looked around the room. “Should we finish the movie?”

“Great idea.”

You both put your clothes back on and sat back on the couch. “Let’s talk about that.” He never knew when to shut up, but sometimes it was for the better.

“What about it?”

“Did you like it? Should we do it again? Do you want to move out?” You laughed at his last question.

“It was really good,” you said, your thoughts wandering to just a few moments ago. You wouldn’t mind having him on top of you again. “We might as well.”

“Just one more thing,” he said. “Don’t fall in love with me.” He smiled and let out a giggle. You weren’t sure if he was being serious or not, but you laughed along too.

[starconsumer444]

“When Things Fall In Place” (18+)

Creepy Roommate!Kenma

(A/N: This is...about 3.1k of pure degeneracy, which I actually had no intention on writing, finishing, or publishing and just thought out as I went... There was no planning, no actual ideas prior to this {actually its based off this guy I met recently because im always stuck with the creeps}...I just started it late at night [basically the early hours of the morning] and finished it this afternoon. I haveeee to stop writing for haikyuu... But I’m probably gonna fall off, comeback and write one or two request with a bunch of other random bs, and then disappear again after this, but thats just how it is. I get bored of writing every three days then come back to write my heart out. I really have to write my requests soon or they’ll hate me...) 

(Cw/Tw: Fem!Reader, Stalking, Somno, Rape/Noncon,  Virgin!Kenma, Theft, Crying, Poor Writing, Kenma is a sweaty, friendless, looser in this one guys, I’m bad at tagging these but you get the idea... this is bad and nasty. 3.1k!!!! THIS IS LONG AS HELL)

You don’t know much about him, Kenma— your roommate. You’ve been living together for almost a year at this point and that can’t be normal. He stays in his room playing video games, doesn’t seem to have friends, leaves for work in the morning, and keeps to himself for the most part. Honestly, if you didn’t greet each other in passing you would’ve forgotten the sound of his voice by now. It’s low, unaffected, and monotone for the most part. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be bothered?

But see, Kenma knows everything about you. You went to middle and high school together, but he was just as standoffish in those days too. He doesn’t expect you to remember him, you clearly don’t, but it still weighs on his heart. Was he that forgettable? It’s okay, because one day he’ll tell you. One day he’ll tell you everything.

He’s been obsessed with you since middle school, you were the pretty girl that sat in the front of the class and smelled so good. You would talk to give answers in class and he would be all ears, because to him your voice was his only source of happiness. To hear you speak and smell your perfume as you walked past him was a reason to live. Sure, it was weird, but so were a lot of things about him. He had no friends, could you blame him? Would you?  So maybe, then, in middle school it was an innocent harmless crush, not an obsession, but in high school he was definitely obsessed. 

He overheard you say it to your friends— where you were going to high school, and he told his parents thats where he wanted to enroll. The entire time he never spoke to you, much like middle school, he was off in a corner playing a game alone, inconspicuously keeping an eye on you. He used to trail you and your friends around the school and he always wondered how you were so perfect? How you were so good at making friends? How you stood out like that? Maybe that’s why you were so unapproachable... 

He remembers you were class president for three consecutive years up until graduation. You were so damn intimidating, but everyone loved you, especially Kenma and you were blind to it. You never ONCE noticed him or gave a damn about him and you were class president. He wanted to talk to you so bad, but he just couldn't. He would steal things from you with the intent to say he found them and maybe start a conversation, but he ended up hoarding them in his room at home. The biggest thing he’d stolen was a sweater because you hadn’t seemed to notice the erasers or pencils. 

He vividly remembers the sheer panic and urgency he stuffed that damned pink sweater into his backpack with, so scared he’d get caught and called a creep. He really did plan on returning it but he just— it smelled so good back then...he remembers. He took it home and hid it under his bed, only opting to take it out and hold it to his face and just smell it on special occasions when he felt up to it and guilt wasn't taking over his mind, body, and soul. He knew it was wrong but he felt the most alive in moments where he didn’t care. He’d tried to resist the urge, but at some point he started to pleasure himself with it too. It started happening so often that he’d get hard at the smell of you even when you walked by him in class. He still has that sweater.

At some point during that time, he’d picked up the strange hobby of following you home from school. You walked alone all the time so he’d lie to himself and say it was for your safety as he stalked around corners and made sure you never saw him. He’d always watch you enter your home from down the block, far enough so he wouldn't catch your attention. Those times he didn’t want you to notice him, he felt sick doing it, but it was something akin to an addiction and he just couldn't stop himself. This was a short lived addiction though...about a month or so. 

His mom started to pick up on his staying out later than usual and by then he’d actually started to go up in front of your house and just stare at it. He prayed to god that you didn’t see him being a creep like this, but sometimes he wished you did because at the very least you would recognize his existence. Still, you never saw him. He went back to being locked up in his room, playing video games until the early hours of the morning, rubbing himself raw against your sweater, and being consumed by you in private. All he wanted was for you to acknowledge him. Tell him that he exists to you, because he’s sure his existence is for you.

Those days were hell on earth, he struggled to shower and his only motivation for getting up and doing anything was to see you, who didn't know he existed. It was a depraved cycle. 

Now he’s here with you, and the first time he talked to you was to respond to a “roommate wanted” ad. Isn’t it wonderful how things come full circle? 

Still, he struggles to actually hold face to face conversations with you. How could he? He fantasizes about you so much...it feels wrong.

These days he finds himself rutting into your sheets when you're out praying that you don’t catch him, stealing your panties just to hold them to his nose and eventually soak them in his cum, and even worse having disgustingly sadistic fantasies about you belonging to him. He pushes those fantasies to the back of his mind, though. He doesn't want to be fucked up, but then again, it can't be that bad to want to own your source of happiness.

His infatuation reaches a peak one night when he finds himself groggily trudging his way to your room in the dead of night with his fleshlight in hand. He tried everything, he didn't want to jack off so he played his video games like usual, but even that didn’t take his mind off of you. Typically, he’d jack off with his fleshlight alone in his room to depraved and deluded fantasies of you, but tonight he needs to be near you; to see you, to smell you, and to know you’re there.

Upon entering your room he flips the light on, and it’s actually really dim— not that he hoped to wake you up or anything. He tip-toes over to the side of your bed and stands over your sleeping figure. You look so beautiful when you’re asleep, a shame he’s never thought about seeing you like this before or rather...a shame he’s violating you like this. He wants himself to stop because he knows it’s wrong, but he’s wanted something like this for so long and right now it’s in the palm of his hand. He’s sick and he knows it.

Still, he pulls his sweats and underwear down just enough to where they’re right under his balls. The cold air of your ceiling fan hits his painfully hard shaft and it feels so good it makes him sick. He slowly sheaths himself inside the faithfully used toy imagining it was you. That’s even easier to do now that you’re right here in front of him.

His heart is racing, and he feels sick to his stomach...

“Gotta make this quick,” That’s what he says under his breath, but he want’s you to wake up and see him, he want’s you to call him a pervert and make him leave you alone forever. He wants to see you horrified by the sight of him pleasuring himself to your sleeping body. Is that so wrong?

Yeah, he knows it is. He can’t bring himself to care, though. He pumps himself in and out with hurried movements. He feels so gross and so good like this. Even with the fan on above him he’s sweating bullets like a madman, but he just can’t stop himself, he swears this isn’t his fault. His rational mind would never permit this, but when has he ever gone with that side of himself?

He starts to lose himself in pleasure, moaning out your name in his typical low voice rather than a whisper. He doesn't catch himself, and his moans start to get louder and louder. You start to stir and he can’t bring himself to shut up. You can’t be that light a sleeper, right? 

Wrong.

Your eye’s flutter open and then meet his and he cums unreasonably hard and his moan is gross and loud. His bottom lip is caught between his teeth and he doubles over from the pleasure. His hand grabbing on to your mattress is the only thing keeping him from hitting the floor.

His heart pounds in his chest and his breathing is erratic, but that’s not why the look in your eye’s is nothing but terror. He's sweating so much, he wants to apologize, but he doesn't.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He says sliding the toy off of himself. He thinks you look even more beautiful when you’re awake and scared out of your mind. 

You lie there, staring up at him, still trying to process how your aloof roommate could—

He climbs on your bed, fleshlight in hand, and straddles your waist and all you can bring yourself to do is shake your head.

“Kenma-” He presses his index finger to your lips and you freeze again.

Suddenly, he’s bringing the fleshlights opening to your mouth and you still can’t bring yourself to fight him.

“Please go away,” You ask like this is just some nightmare. You know it’s not, you can feel his weight on top of you and it feels too real. He’s so warm and so heavy.

“Lick.” He commands. He swears to himself that he’ll go away forever after this, the final piece to his happiness puzzle.

Tears start to fall down your face but he’s still insistent on having you eat his cum out of his gross plaything. When you don’t move, he leans over and presses it to your face.

“Lick.” 

This time, out of fear, you do. His cum tastes rancid, like battery acid. Disgusting would be more than an understatement. That doesn’t stop you from cleaning the toy with your tongue like your like depends on it, because right now...it might.

His eyes are tired when he smiles, almost dead, he looks sick. His hairs greasy, skin is pale, and he’s fisting his half hard dick while he watches you take his seed into your pretty mouth. You’ve never been this close to him before.

He strokes himself back to hardness like a delinquent. He knows he wants to leave you alone, but now he just can’t. When he tosses the fleshlight aside you’re shaking and crying begging him to go away.

“Kenma, please-” As much as he likes when you say his name, he can’t help but stifle your desperate begging with a kiss. 

It’s gross, wet, and all over the place, but Kenma doesn’t notice that. He’s never kissed anyone before and he’s beyond ecstatic that it’s you. You don’t bother with kissing him back, you just lie there, eyes open and crying. 

He savors this kiss, his first kiss. His lips are softer than expected, but he’s not— violence plagues his movements. His heart races even faster now, and when you try to turn your lips away from his he just grabs your jaw and holds you still. He gets drool all over both of your faces, and you can barely breathe. You can still feel him jacking himself off between your bodies and you feel nauseous. This “kiss” is so unpracticed and unrefined, he’s basically licking the inside of your mouth and breathing in your face.

Why is he doing this?

You feel him finally moving from your lips and pulling your shirt up to let cold air hit your tits. For a second, he pauses to catch his breath, chest heaving and spit covered mouth hanging open. He stares down at your chest in awe. You turn away in embarrassment, he doesn’t mind it; you must be terrified.

With one hand holding your shirt up, he brings the other from his dick to squeeze at your chest. You wince and struggle against him because he’s so fucking rough and it hurts. Then he gives one of your breasts a hard slap, and you start to writhe up under him. 

It brings a smile to his face, but he doesn’t do it anymore. He wants to try something different.

He carefully slides down off of you and between your legs. He grossly presses his face against your clothed cunt and smells you even licking you through your pajama bottoms.

He sees the shock on your face when you sit up to look at him and he simply brushes it off, too far gone to be considerate at this point.

When his hands pull down your pajama bottoms-

“No no no no nononono Kenma please stop it.” You whine and kick at him uselessly. You sit up to try to push his hands away but its all useless, he’s so unreasonably strong for someone his size. When he finally slides your pajama bottoms and underwear off of you and on to the floor he buries his face between your folds.

It’s like when he was kissing you, gross, wet, and unpracticed. He’s just haphazardly lapping at your labia and vulva. You push at his shoulders trying to get him off of you while crying your eyes out. It doesn’t seem to effect him though, he just locks his arms around your thighs, sliding you down onto your back. 

At some point his tongue washes clean over your clit and he feels your body jolt from the pleasure. He finds it again and your body stiffens. He looks up at your crying face and squeezes the meat of your thighs between his fingers as he abuses your clit to no end.

You’re sobbing at this point because to you this all feels without reason. For the first time in your life you are scared of Kenma. From what you remember of him, he was always voiceless and sweet, even during school when he decided to show up. He was a kid who always greeted the teacher, even if it was wordless, he got his work done on time when he could, and he minded his business. You never talked to him, but you did hold his understated presence in the back of your mind— for the longest you pegged him as a boy who could be pleasant if you got to know him. So, why was he doing this? Why is he hurting you?

You made him your roommate because you thought that he of all people wouldn’t do this. You wanted to be friends. What did you do?

Now he’s violating you after a year of little to no interaction and him being barely there. He knows it’s wrong and you're not fighting him anymore, you’re just laying there, chest heaving and silent.

He lifts his head to plant a wet kiss on your inner thigh and drags his tongue against the soft skin momentarily. He looks at your scared face and gives a crooked smile. He’s sorry, he really is but this feels like a dream to him. You're too good not to take. 

He finds himself positioning his dick right between your folds and rutting against you. You really must’ve given up, your fight is long gone as he holds you down by your pelvic bones—uncut nails breach your soft skin.

Excitement fills his body as your wetness begins to coat his length as he rocks himself back and forth. He’s careful and his breathing is labored.

“I-” He tries and fails. “You never noticed me, but I’ve loved you forever.” He’s shy. Kenma looks down at your stomach, too embarrassed to meet your crying eyes. 

“We went to school together for years...” He trails off, still staring down. He doesn’t have the guts to look at the mess he’s made of you. “I wanted to talk to you, but you wouldn’t like- no. I was scared.” He shakes his head softly and finally meets your eyes. You're still crying. He feels his throat tighten and he doesn't want to talk anymore.

“Don’t look at me like that!” He stops his movements to reach over and pull the pillow from behind you. He puts it over your face and thinks to hold it there, maybe to suffocate you for a second, but he doesn't. He’s already done enough bad. He just lets it sit there, you’re the one to grab it and hold it there. 

You hold it against your face like your life depends on it. You can't breathe very well, but what does it matter? You want him to go away.You want this to end. So, you cling onto that pillow and pretend like you’re anywhere but here.

It’s an illusion that fails quickly. You feel him press his length into you. It’s rushed, it hurts, and he doesn't know what he’s doing. You squeeze the pillow, and his sweaty hands play with your tits. You can feel the tears well up in your eyes. You don’t want this, it’s a nightmare.

He’s not that big, rather small actually, but he has girth. He hopes you can feel it. He moves slowly dragging every inch of himself against your walls. He mouths at your nipples and it feels yucky. At some point you’re sure you feel him lay a wet kiss on your stomach.

You don’t know. It’s over quickly, but it feels like forever.

 His thrusts were sloppy and unseasoned just like everything else he’s done. He’d never had sex before, but he hoped he was good. When he came his body seized and his fingers dug into your sides. He was glad you weren't watching because the embarrassment from coming so fast a second time was much easier to handle. 

You two sit in silence for a while after that, the only audible sound is you sniveling. He watches silently as your body shakes and tucks himself back in, to at least feel decent. It’s like that for five whole minutes until he finally decides to go back to his room. 

In the silence of his own dark room the water works start in full force as he comes to terms with what he’s done. He’s a degenerate who will struggle to sleep tonight.

[bvidzsoo]

Downtown

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: sexual situations, swearing and angst 

 Pairing: Kwon Soonyoung x female reader x Hong Joshua

 Word count: 29, 624

 Summary:   You never thought you’d fall for the person you’ve known for almost ten years, but you did know he wasn’t the right person either for you. It was hard getting over him, especially when you were friends with benefits. But then, a mysterious gentleman came along, and changed your world. Suddenly, you knew what you deserved.

 A/N: Holy shit, this feels like it took a year to write, when it was a week and a half? It’s very long, the longest oneshot I’ve written in my whole life so far and I’m proud of it. It’s past 3 am here when I’m posting this, so good night everyone. Don’t forget to leave your feedback, to feed my curious heart. Enjoy now!

     Things weren’t always so complicated. As a child, you only have to worry about your grades and to not disappoint your parents. You go out with your friends, have fun, let loose and have no worries about the cruel world surrounding you. But then you grow up and all sorts of responsibilities are dumped on you; you suddenly don’t know this foreign world. It all feels scary and malicious, ready to take you out, but then you learn. You learn how to be an adult and things aren’t that hard anymore. Except if it comes to your feelings. People always say, ‘we are adults, we have to approach the issue straight on and address it; you have to talk about your feelings without holding anything back’. But that’s always easier said than done. Because I am an adult and yet I still don’t know how to tell the man lying down next to me that I’m in love with him. The room feels hot, skins glistening in the moonlight that comes in through the open window, both of our chests rise quickly, neither one of us having completely come down from our highs. I love it while it’s happening but hate it after it’s over. The sex is amazing with Soonyoung, he knows every inch of my body, he knows what turns me on and what I hate. He never chases his own release; he works for both of us. He’s rough but never to the extent to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. But then it’s over and there come the feelings I try repressing during the day. The want to turn into him and snuggle into his side, legs intertwined, eyes closed as we fall asleep is hard to ignore. Sometimes it happens, but then one of us leaves before the other could wake up. The bed feels empty without him and some mornings it makes me crazy. My sheets carry his scent, the scent I feel around me everywhere; it’s so deeply etched into my own being that it’s simply everywhere. Actions can be scary, but feelings are scarier. I closed my eyes to take another breath before turning my head. Soonyoung’s tongue poked out to lick his dry lips before he turned his head to face me, our dark brown eyes locking onto each other. My heart speed up, could he see it in my eyes? The desperate love I wanted him to see and feel? Or was he the oblivious boy he used to be back in high school? He changed in many aspects, but one thing remained the same: he was the same funny guy I used to hang out with, the same guy who always carried a smile on his lips and hid his real feelings.

Being on time was an issue I tried to fix my whole life. At first, it wasn’t my fault, my dad would never be on time, therefore, I was always late thanks to him. But slowly, after I was independent enough to be on my own, I started noticing that I took on his habit, being late almost everywhere. I overslept my first class today, which would be an issue later on as I have another class with the same teacher, and now I was hurrying down the hallway to try and not be late to my second class as well. And it was going well, until it wasn’t. A hard show sent my arms out and my notebook, book, and pencil case flying to the ground. It took me by surprise as there were few people in the hallway that someone would run into me, there was plenty of space. My eyes fell on the culprit as he carried on his way as if nothing had happened. 

My morning grumpiness got the best of me and I opened my mouth to call out before he could round the corner, “Next time apologize, asshole!”

I bent down to pick up my three things laying on the ground, groaning when the bell rang, now I have to make it inside class before the teacher does. As I stood up once again, a black curly-haired boy stood in front of me. His cheeks were puffy and his eyes sharp and small. He resembled a hamster; it was the boy who ran into me. His uniform wasn’t neat and his left shoe tie was unmade. I glanced over his figure again before making eye contact. His dark eyes had a certain allure to them and I definitely didn’t expect the sudden wide smile he offered me.

“Sorry! I’m kind of in a rush,” He spoke hurriedly, his voice a bit raspy.

“Well, me too, but do you see me running into others when there’s enough space for the both of us in a, now, empty hallway?” I raised my eyebrows expectantly, eyes falling on his name tag. Kwon Soonyoung. I haven’t heard of him before, however, his face is one I would have remembered for sure if I saw it around. Is he new? Or just invisible like me?

“Uh, sorry…” The boy scratched his neck embarrassed as he looked around us, “I overslept, so I’m in a hurry to get to my second class in time--”

“We are already late, so don’t bother” I sighed as I walked around the boy to start my walk, now casual, towards my class. I was for sure late now, the teacher probably inside, there was no need for me to rush anymore.

“You overslept too?” The boy was by my side and I nodded my head wordlessly.

“I’m Kwon Soonyoung!” He extended his hand while we were walking and I looked at him before shaking his hand firmly. He was smiling widely and I offered him a close-lipped smile.

“I’m Lim Y/N” I introduced myself and Soonyoung nodded his head violently.

“I know!” He was excited as he kept grinning, his eyes disappearing completely, cheeks even puffier. I could pinch those cheeks right now.

“Yeah, we have name tags…” I muttered with a chuckle as we rounded the corner.

“No, I know who you are!” My eyes fell on the overly excited boy walking next to me and my eyebrows furrowed. How did he know who I am but I didn’t know who he was?

“Did we meet before?” I asked confused as Soonyoung stopped walking.

“No” He chuckled and looked at a closed-door he was standing in front of, “But we always arrive at the same time to school...well, besides today…”

“Oh” I muttered as I tried to remember his face but couldn’t connect it to his words, “If you say so”

“I’m not well known, but that’s fine” He chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders. I glanced at my wristwatch and figured I should really get to class now.

“I’ll see you around then, I guess,” I said as Soonyoung nodded before knocking on the door he was standing in front of.

“See you” He winked before sliding the door open and stepping inside while bowing. What a weird boy, I thought to myself as I walked down the hallway, finally arriving to my class. I did the same thing Soonyoung did and thanked the heavens the teacher asked no questions.

Our eyes stayed locked as I wondered what Soonyoung was thinking. He looked troubled; eyebrows furrowed as his eyes fell to my lips. My heart rate picked up again and I was ready to refuse a second round, tonight I wasn’t feeling it anymore. But Soonyoung said nothing as he scooted closer and draped an arm around my naked torso, his naked body coming in contact with mine. His skin brushing against mine made me feel like I was on fire, as if a few minutes ago he wasn’t inside me making me feel things only he could. The way our bodies molded together made me almost forget the things I wanted to tell him. I could never truly muster up the courage to tell him that I love him more than a friend, after all, we are just friends. Friends who help each other out in desperate times. I’ve known Soonyoung for almost ten years. 

We met in high school for the first time and quickly became friends, connecting over our similar interests and the fact that we were pretty much invisible to the others, friendless. Soonyoung was always happy and smiling, he quickly became someone I relied on upon and confided in. When he needed someone serious to talk to or just listen to his rants, he knew he had me and that I wouldn’t judge him, as many others did. But then high school was over and we made empty promises to keep in touch throughout college, but I wasn’t too wealthy so I couldn’t attend the same college he chose. And in our second year, Soonyoung transferred to a bigger city to have part of better education, leaving me behind. And slowly like that, our friendship faded into distant happy memories. We both went on with our lives, sending each other birthday wishes when those days came around the year, but never truly did anything to reach out for a real conversation. I figured he was busy and if he really wanted to talk to me, he’d know where to find me. College came to an end after a few years and soon I found myself working in an office where my boss was loathsome, I didn’t last for long there, only a year. And that’s when I found my dream job presented to me. A wedding planner agency, they had a free spot for the interior designing of the places the soon-to-be-wed couple chose. So, I applied and I got the job. Everything went well there, the colleagues were nice and soon I found myself in a friendly relationship with everyone from the office. Our boss was a very nice older lady, hair always in a bun and lips always painted a nice shade of pink. She was always smiling and she always knew how to create a welcoming and pleasant environment for her working place. Maybe that’s what attracted her to Soonyoung so much. He emitted a certain warmness that drew people in, a small always on his face. He was rarely angry, he stayed calm in stressful situations, and he always had a joke for when times became unbearable. So, he got employed. To the same company I have been working for, for five years. And he changed, a lot. His innocent smiles from high school turned into flirty ones. His somewhat raspy voice turned into a full rasp and sultry comments. He got taller too, his body lean and worked. His dark hair didn’t grow much, but the curliness was gone and nowadays a few strands were always falling in his eyes. The puffiness from his cheeks subsided and he became manly looking, his sharp eyes keeping you fixated on a spot if he wanted to. His behavior didn’t change much, except he became more confident and less invisible. Unlike me, throughout the years I turned more into myself and realized I didn’t need people to be close to me, I felt more comfortable being on my own. Maybe it was the fear of getting to know someone more only to be left behind, like it happened with Soonyoung, but I was content. It’s not like I was actively looking for a friendship, even though sometimes I would complain about it to my sister, emphasis on sometimes. But of course, when Soonyoung and I reconciled, things were bound to happen. We weren’t oblivious teenagers anymore, we were adults with certain needs. And somewhere along those lines, we found ourselves in a friend with benefits kind of relationship. I didn’t even know I found Soonyoung attractive until he kissed me behind the club while we went out so that he could take a cigarette break, he’s an amazing dancer, by the way. But now I wish he didn’t kiss me that night, a year ago, because maybe then I wouldn’t feel so choked up by the feelings he makes me feel now. 

“Did you look for decoration for the reception?” Soonyoung’s sleepy voice broke me out of my thoughts. By how slowly he was breathing, I assumed he already fell asleep.

“Sort of,” I mumbled quietly, not fighting the urge to play with his hair anymore, “I can’t decide on the colors”

“What does the bride want?” Soonyoung’s question got muffled when he pressed a kiss between my breasts. 

I sighed and gulped as my heart continued beating violently, “She didn’t specify, but I’m leaning more towards beige” 

“Beige is always a good color choice” Soonyoung muttered as his long fingers ran down the side of my body.

“Yeah” I muttered as I looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm my erratic heart beating. I knew he could hear it, or feel it, and it made me anxious. Would he think it was from the sex or did he know how much these little interactions, touches, actually made me feel? But tonight, I didn’t want to find out, tonight I just wanted to take a hot shower, drown a whole bottle of wine and go to bed, in my own bed.

“I have to head home” I spoke up as I cleared my throat, glancing down at Soonyoung. He groaned as he muzzled his face more into my chest, his hair tickling my breast.

“Did your mom give you a new curfew?” He joked as he lifted his head and gazed at me. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, trying to hide the blush that came onto my cheeks at the view in front of me. I could never get used to the image of Soonyoung after sex. He looked so hot while disheveled. 

“No, but my boss won’t be impressed if I’m late to work--”

“Again” We chorused at the same time, both of us giggling, Soonyoung’s eyes disappearing as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. I quieted down and licked my lips, awaiting his next move. He really didn’t seem like he was about to move, so I nudged him with my leg. 

“Get off, leech, I can’t get up” Soonyoung’s laughter echoed in the quiet room and I shook my head at him, “I’m serious”

“Can’t you just sleep over?” He whined like a little kid and I shook my head, raising to my elbows, closing the distance between our faces. Soonyoung’s breath mixed with mine and I really wanted to lean in and capture his lips with mine, so when he did it first, I hummed contently. I let my eyes fall closed as our lips moved lazily against each other, knowing this was Soonyoung’s way of trying to trick me into staying with him, I didn’t let myself get lost in the feeling of him, even if I wanted to.

“I’m going” I muttered as I tilted my head back, away from Soonyoung’s lips. He just groaned and started kissing my neck instead.

“Stay” He muttered, lazily landing a wet kiss on my jaw, “Please?”

“No.” I said firmly as I lowered my head to look into his eyes. I leaned forwards and pecked his lips quickly before gently pushing him over, letting him fall on his back on the bed.

“Let me drive you home?” He asked as I quickly rose from the bed and found my underwear, putting it on.

“I’ll call for a cab” I answered him as I bent down to pick up my black jeans, feeling his eyes on me.

“With me, you are safer” He argued and I sighed as I threw on my grey sweater, zipping my jeans up.

“I’ll text you when I get home” I found my socks and smiled in victory as one was thrown underneath the bed.

“You better not forget it this time” Soonyoung’s glare was playful as he sat up on his bed, still fully naked. I gave him a pointed look before seeing his briefs at the foot of the bed and throwing it at him.

“You know I probably will and get dressed, you’ll get sick” I scolded him as I went around his bed to close the window and pull the curtains closed.

“You know the old ladies love a good show” He wiggled his ass as he pulled his briefs on and I giggled as I opened the locked door of his bedroom. I was surprised to find the lights on in the kitchen, a very sleepy Jihoon rubbing his eyes as he eyed a carton of milk in the fridge.

“You’re leaving?” He asked surprised, jumping when I accidentally bumped my bag into the table by the bathroom door.

“Yeah, I still have some work to do for tomorrow” I found my boots quickly and pulled them on, shooting Jihoon an apologetic smile, “I hope we didn’t wake you up…”

“Thank God you didn’t, Soonyoung is so loud” He grumbled with a glare and I heard a scoff coming from the living room.

“I know” I whispered with a chuckle and Jihoon shook his head before finally drinking out of the carton of milk.

“Hey! We share that together, can you stop leaving your saliva over everything?!” Soonyoung’s shriek made both Jihoon and I groan as the culprit came marching into the kitchen.

“I bought this with my own money!” Jihoon turned his back to Soonyoung when he tried taking the carton of milk from him. 

“It’s late, can’t you two be less noisy? I’m sure the family living underneath doesn’t appreciate you screaming at night…” I threw them a glance as I unlocked my phone and ordered a cab through the app, pulling my leather jacket on. 

“If you want to scold us, just leave already, mother” I flicked Soonyoung off as I unlocked the front door and opened it, poking my head back in.

“By the way, I love the new color, Jihoon” I whispered with a smile, the newly dyed blonde giving me an appreciative thumbs up. Soonyoung’s amused smile slowly slipped from his lips before he marched over, I didn’t miss the subtle glare thrown Jihoon’s way, and he went to playfully show the door in my face.

“Good night” He mumbled quietly, a softness rarely heard enveloping his voice.

“Night, Soo” I winked before turning around and heading for the stairs, ignoring the longing to turn around and crawl back into bed with him.

   Soonyoung was right, the color beige is always a good choice. I stared at the reception in front of me decorated in beige colors, a proud smile slipping on my lips. The fairy lights around the tables gave the room a dreamy feel and the flowers on each table brought a touch of freshness. The bride and groom were yet to arrive so my nerves were still over the roof. It was always hard and nerve-wracking when it came to decorating a place to other’s likes, even if all were discussed in detail. 

“Breathtaking, as always” The male voice whispered in my ear and I cringed away from Soonyoung. He was wearing his usual dark blue suit, rings decorating his fingers, and loose strands of black hair falling in his eyes.

“I told you to don’t do that here” I threw a glare at him as I took off between the aisles of tables and chairs. I heard Soonyoung chuckle behind me and I tried to ignore the sudden jump of my heart. I missed him even though I just saw him yesterday. 

“It’s just us here, Y/N, relax” Soonyoung took a different route as he bent down and started examining the silverware. 

“Half of the decoration team is here, Soonyoung, please” I rolled my eyes as I found a stray napkin on one table and picked it up.

“That’s Hana’s fault” Soonyoung’s voice turned stern as he came up beside me.

“Go easy on her, she’s been here for a month only” I pressed the napkin into his chest as clapping came from behind us. I turned around with a smile and headed towards our boss, her lips in a wide smile.

“This is spectacular, Y/N, you’ve been working for me for so long yet you surprise me each time!” She exclaimed as she looked around the room, patting Soonyoung’s arm when he came up beside me, napkin stuffed in his pocket now.

“Thank you, Mrs. Choi” I bowed my head and she walked past us, stopping by a table.

“Did you bring the cameras, Soonyoung?” She asked as she leaned down a bit to arrange the flowers in the vase.

“Everything is set, Mrs. Choi, we are waiting for the bride and groom” He answered her back smoothly, sending me a wink. I rolled my eyes as the clicking of heels caught my attention. Kim Yerim, dressed in all pink, came waltzing inside with her blonde hair in two pigtails. My eyes widened before I sighed, looking back at Mrs. Choi and Soonyoung.

“Morning!” She greeted in the loudest voice ever and came to a stop next to me, “Damn! This place is fucking awesome!”

I threw Yerim a look before I sighed again, pointing at her outfit, “Are you headed to Disneyland or something?” 

“I look like a princess, don’t I?” She giggled excited, twirling around in a slow pirouette. I pushed her shoulder playfully.

“More like a Barbie doll” Soonyoung walked up to us with a smirk on his lips, eyes traveling over Yerim’s body. I gulped as I looked at the wall ahead, trying to ignore the sudden fire that was ignited inside my body. Of course, Soonyoung flirts with every female from work, even Mrs. Choi sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not bothered by it every time he does it. In fact, I hate it. How he just so casually compliments other women with his flirty tone, looking them up and down; and I know they feel weak in the knees; how he just so casually winks at everyone or the playful touches, especially with Yerim. I like Yerim, a lot, she’s eccentric, much like Soonyoung, and she’s fun to hang out with. She swears a lot, but that’s something everyone already got used to, yet I can never brush aside the want to grab her by her silky blonde hair and smash her head against a wall. Sometimes she wears something overly sexy just because she likes the attention from Soonyoung, and I know because she confessed to it some time ago while we were on a coffee break in the recreation room. I wanted to throw my coffee at her when I heard her words. Very mature, I know.

“Guess you could be my Ken for tonight?” Yerim raised her eyebrows, a smirk crossing her lips and my jaw clenched when Soonyoung chuckled airily, leaning a bit closer to her.

“Just for tonight?” I wanted to kick him, drag him away by his hair, gag his mouth with toilet paper, and scream at him that I love him, that I want him, that he’s mine. But instead, I took a deep breath and exhaled quietly, trying to put on an amused smile and smooth out the venomous tone wanting to come through.

“You can sort out your business after we are done here,” I gripped Yerim’s arm a bit too harshly and turned her around, “Because the bride just arrived and you need to dress her up for the photoshoot”

“Fuck, she’s here?” Yerim exclaimed, “I gotta run to the car to bring in the clothes, catch you later!”

I shook my head as Soonyoung giggled while we watched Yerim run away in her pink stiletto heels. Mrs. Choi was still at the front, sorting out the name tags for the tables.

“Go do your job, Mr. Kwon” I turned to Soonyoung with raised eyebrows and he did a mocking salute before glancing back to see what Mrs. Choi was doing.

“Yes, ma’am, yes” Then he took a step closer and my eyes widened when he squeezed my ass, “I want to bend you over and fuck you against one of those tables, this dress fits your body in all the right places”

I bit my lower lip, staring into Soonyoung’s hooded eyes as his gaze dropped to my lips. Yes, I think I would like that proposition a lot, but then the words he said to Yerim rang through my head and the heat I felt was suddenly gone. Right, we are at work.

“Just...do your job, Soonyoung” I muttered breathless, pushing him away gently. He groaned as he took a glance at my lips again then walked out, leaving me with Mrs. Choi. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my foggy mind, organize my messy thoughts. Sometimes I wish I never agreed to this whole madness with Soonyoung. 

“Dear, I think you messed up a few names, come check it out!” Mrs. Choi called from the front of the room and I started walking towards her with a sigh.

“Coming now!”

       Pictures and pictures lay endlessly on my big counter in the kitchen, laptop pushed to the side and wine glass in my hands. Yesterday’s reception went amazingly, the bride and groom were in love with how I decorated the place and earlier today I was assigned another couple. They’ve been together for half a year only and they were pretentious. They had a sophisticated taste and every little detail mattered. They even instructed me to place five white pearls on each table, not more not less. It was challenging and my headache was turning stronger as I kept staring at various pictures of what I could do for the reception. I’ve been working in this field for a long time now, but some clients were indeed special. Special enough to give me a headache, that is. I groaned as I pushed the picture of the reception, that I did last year, beach themed, and placed my wine glass down, far away from my laptop and pictures. It wasn’t even that tiring, yet I felt like I haven’t slept in days. My brain was restless. It wanted me to tell Soonyoung everything, to confess finally. My chest felt heavy every time I had to look at him flirting with other women, draining a great deal of my energy. I want to confess, badly, but I’m scared. He’s so good at concealing his feelings, that I genuinely can’t even predict his reaction. Would he be surprised? Would he be angry? Would he laugh at me? Would he tell me he already knew? Would he tell me…he feels the same? Countless and countless scenarios ran through my mind as I quickly slapped my cheeks and looked back down at the pictures. Focus, Y/N, your job is more important than your feelings right now. The bride wanted purple colored decoration but the groom something orange. Now, these two colors would look hideous together but somehow, we have to make them work. How? That’s what I’m currently trying to work out. Maybe use purple decoration and put orange flowers here and there? Maybe use orange pearls? No, she pointed out she wanted white ones. What if I use white and orange ones? That wouldn’t look too bad. What if I decorate the bride and groom’s table orange and the rest purple? That shouldn’t look so bad. I should talk to Soonyoung first, see what his ideas are. After all, we are partners when it comes to our work, we do it together. We were supposed to be doing this together right now, actually, but something urgent came up and Soonyoung had to cancel. Something so urgent that he couldn’t even tell me about it, that hasn’t happened before. We are friends, first of all, we tell each other most things. As I reached for my glass of wine, my phone pinged, alerting me that I had a message. From Soonyoung, I knew because he has a different ringtone. I reached for my phone and opened it up as I took a small sip of my wine. I almost finished what I had poured out in my glass.

From Soonyoung: Be there in ten!

My eye widened as I nearly dropped my glass. Be here in ten? What does he mean? He can’t just come over like that! I’m not in the mood to get laid tonight, I actually have a lot of work to do! And he has too, what is he thinking?!

To Soonyoung: No, you can’t come over!

The response was almost immediate.

From Soonyoung: Too late, I’m two blocks away.

To Soonyoung: Don’t drive and text you idiot!

My heart started beating erratically as my eyes scanned my apartment. Shit! It’s a mess! I quickly hopped of from the stool and ran into my bedroom to put on a lacey bra. Maybe I can convince him to leave me alone tonight and actually get some work done together. I quickly pulled my hair in a low messy bun and ran back out to my living room. I quickly arranged the pillows on my sofa and turned off the TV, which was on for some background noise. I groaned as my eyes fell on the leftover pizza, that I left on the coffee table, the box too big for me to quickly throw away so I took it in my hands and walked to my counter and dropped it off behind it. No, you shouldn’t put food on the floor, am I desperate enough to do it? Yes. My kitchen was open so there was no wall separating my living room from it, just the counter. Before I could do anything else, I heard the turn of a key and the lock unlocking as Soonyoung came into view. I quickly put on a small smile, trying not to fidget much as my heart continued to beat quickly. I could never get enough of seeing him. It’s always as if it’s the first time. He takes my breath away. I gulped as I watched him take his shoes off at the entrance and he closed the front door, not locking it. Is this a quick visit then? Does he have an idea and he just quickly wants to give me the sketch? He wouldn’t have taken off his shoes then, or come over, he would have just done it tomorrow at work.

“So, what are you doing here?” I cleared my throat before speaking and Soonyoung looked at me with a wide grin. He looked so happy and enthusiastic that I couldn’t help it and returned the smile, with less energy though.

“Let’s sit down first!” He giggled as he skipped towards my grey sofa from the living room and I raised my eyebrows as I followed him, tugging on the sleeves of my oversized sweater. Soonyoung’s hands were crossed as he leaned his elbows forward on his knees and I sat next to him, a bit rigidly, as I waited for him to speak. I wanted to scoot a tiny little bit closer, to feel his body heat. He was like a magnet, always pulling me closer and closer until there was no space left between us. It was always so hard to not touch him when we were together. I always found somehow an excuse to lay my hands on him. Even if it was just the small action of smoothing down his shirt or collar of his coat.

“So…” He trailed off as he turned serious and I gulped. Did he figure it out? Does he know I love him? What’s with the sudden seriousness? He definitely isn’t here for sex. He would be undressing me by now if that was the case.

“So…” I trailed off, trying to get him to talk but patience laced my voice, to let him know it was okay if he needed time to word his thoughts.

“I’m going to be just plain forward, simple and honest.” He turned his head so that our brown eyes could look into each other’s, and I gulped loudly. Tonight, I fall, tonight he tells me he knew all along and that he can’t return the feelings. And that’s heart wrenching but perhaps even alright. I understand.

“I have a girlfriend” Silence, that’s what followed his words. Deafening silence. The sentence, ‘I have a girlfriend’, echoed through my mind as if he said it again. I gulped and smoothed out my face, no reaction.

“You have a girlfriend?” My voice was composed, sincere and curious. I even smiled, giggling inside. Soonyoung has a girlfriend? I silenced my thoughts, almost screaming at them to shut up, as Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak again.

“Yes” His voice was so quiet, he looked shocked. I was the one feeling shocked actually. My smile widened and for some reason, the way Soonyoung was watching me, made me feel like I was crazy.

“That’s amazing! I never thought I’d hear you saying those words!” I chuckled as I went to reach out and squeeze his hand, but stopped myself and instead scratched my thigh as if it started itching. He has a girlfriend, I can’t touch him, not anymore.

“Yeah-yeah…” Soonyoung breathed, gulping almost speechless as he continued watching me like a hawk, “It finally happened, I guess. It’s out of the blue, I know, but…yeah.”

“Damn, it is out of the blue!” I exclaimed and crossed one leg over the other, trying to hide my trembling hands as I slid them between my thighs, “But…you know, we are back to being friends. Just friends, Soonyoung”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched at my words and I almost frowned as I bit my lower lip nervously, scared it would start trembling as well. My whole body was on the verge of trembling, my heart was thumping so loudly I was afraid I wouldn’t hear Soonyoung’s response.

“Just friends?” He whispered but then caught himself and cleared his throat, “Yeah! We are great friends, aren’t we?”

“Bestest friends, Soonyoung” I laughed, tears almost pooling up in my eyes, almost, “Since high school, eh?”

“Yeah, who would’ve thought…” Soonyoung shrugged his shoulders before abruptly standing up, “I have to work on the interior design, I didn’t get to do any work yet”

My eyes fell on my packed counter and my eyes remained glued to it. I didn’t want to look at Soonyoung anymore, I felt sick. Nauseous. I wanted to grab my glass of wine and throw it at him, but I forced myself to turn my head back and stare him in the eyes.

“You better, I’m almost finished with my ideas. Just drop off your sketches in my office tomorrow morning” Soonyoung nodded as he sniffed and glanced around my apartment before his eyes fell on my body, running all over it. I hated it; I hate him. Because I knew what he was thinking by the way his eyes darkened.

“You’re wearing my favorite hoodie” His voice was quiet and lower as he licked his lips and I walked up to him and quickly hugged him, but there was no force in my arms, no passion whatsoever.

“It’s late, I’m tired since I worked all day. See you tomorrow, Soonyoung” I didn’t give him time to reciprocate the hug and pulled away as I walked to the front door and grabbed the handle. Soonyoung smiled, but it didn’t look genuine at all, as he walked next to me and took on his shoes. His body was so close to mine that I could feel his warmness, his intoxicating scent. His eyes narrowed when he rose back up, scrutinizing me as my smile widened.

“Good night, then” He stepped out as I opened the door for him.

“Good night!” I watched him walk towards the elevator and push the button to order it up. He turned his head a little and I waved cutely at him, watching him as he boarded the elevator once it arrived. The doors closed and Soonyoung was gone from my vision. Disgust flooded my body as I closed my door slowly, the clicking of one lock feeling like a scream in my quiet apartment. The second lock, however, set everything off. The second turn of the lock, made my heart explode into a million pieces. My heart was glass and that glass just exploded into so many tiny pieces, that it would never be mended back together. It needs to be thrown away and replaced. But you can’t throw away a heart just like that. My hands startled trembling violently as I finally let my body do whatever it wanted. I was alone, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. My thoughts, the ones I screamed at to stay silent, suddenly came back screaming at me. ‘I have a girlfriend’, it made me chuckle. Because, really, it’s very hilarious! How did I never notice?! Then it turned into a giggle, because, honestly, we are best friends! How did it slip through my fingers? How did I not see it sooner? Wait, why did he never tell me? And suddenly, I was sobbing. Tears were flowing down my cheeks so quickly that there was no reason for me to wipe them away, new ones would replace them. I leaned against the wall as my body curled into a ball as much as it could while standing. My thoughts screamed continuously: ‘This is your fault! Why did you not tell him earlier? Why are you sobbing right now? It’s disgusting what you are doing, please stop! You are such a fucking idiot, Y/N! He has a girlfriend.’

My head started throbbing worse and I straightened up and glanced around, eyes falling on the bottle of wine. My throat felt dry, my eyes were burning and there was definitely snot coming out of my nose, a bit salty, as I wiped it away with the sleeve of my sweater. Disgusting, I’ll have to wash it tomorrow. I grinned as I walked up to the counter and took the bottle in my hands, examining it. Rosé, my favorite. What a perfect timing to get fucking wasted. I sat on the stool and raised the bottle, pouring as much of the alcohol that I could in my mouth without choking myself. Suddenly then I realized that the throbbing of my head wasn’t the worst feeling I was feeling right now. Oh no. It was the hollowness in my chest that made me choke up and start another downpour of tears. It was so foreign yet so familiar. Turns out, I’ve always felt like this when it came to Soonyoung, just not this intensely. I wanted to rip my hair out, to kick someone, to scream at Soonyoung. How could he play with my heart so much without knowing what he was doing? Why did I allow him to do that? Why did I go so deep that I allowed him to make me feel like this? Like what? Like utter garbage, like the leftover you get disgusted by when you look at it, like that present you get from your aunt and you hate but you have to pretend you like? And disgust. It was so powerful, I wanted to scrub it all away. I glared at the last place where Soonyoung stood not so long ago and took off towards the window, forcefully opening it to get rid of his scent. I have to wash myself and every single clothing and bed sheet he’s ever touched. I have to clean everything. I have to clean myself.

        The next morning, I looked worse than what I felt like. My eyes were burning, still, puffy and even red. My nose was red and my upper lip swollen. I looked horrible and I panicked more and more the longer I looked in the mirror. Not even makeup can salvage the way I look, at least not the kind of makeup that I know how to apply. I groaned as I grabbed my phone and dialed the person I wanted to talk to least as first thing in the morning.

“It’s so fucking early! You are lucky I was already awake or else—”

“Good morning” I cut Yerim off with a grunt and the girl just sighed.

“Are you okay?” She asked calmly, realizing how weird this was. I rarely called the girl for anything other than work and I didn’t even tell her yet what I needed.

“Somewhat” I muttered as I tried to tame my wild hair, “Question.”

“Shoot, damn, you’re making me anxious, Y/N!” I rolled my eyes as Yerim shuffled on the other end of the phone.

“Can you do my makeup today?” I asked while chewing on my lower lip, afraid of her reaction.

“Fuck yes! Finally!” Yerim exclaimed and I scrunched my nose up at her loudness, “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life!”

“Okay, cool, I’ll see you in an hour at work!” Before she could say anything else, I quickly hung up and groaned. God damn it, I look horrible! I quickly pulled my wild hair in a high ponytail and got to washing my face, trying to get the swell to go away with cold water. After drinking all the wine, I had in that bottle, I went and took a hot shower, burning my skin because I was drunk and stupid, and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. I don’t think I have ever before cried so much. My chest felt empty and hollow still, my eyes filled with tears still when I thought of Soonyoung, but I felt lighter. The break down last night wasn’t something pretty but it was better than bottling it up for longer. I already bottled up too many things.

When Yerim saw me, she gasped and probably swore for at least ten minutes, I didn’t check the time. She didn’t ask questions so at least I didn’t have to come up with a stupid excuse, but she scolded me every five minutes and kept saying she’d have to come over to give my skin a treatment after I dared to destroy it last night. I was itching to ask her if she had a treatment for my broken heart as well, but I didn’t. I would sound bitter and I didn’t want to explain myself. Today, I wanted to be left alone. By everyone. I wanted to close my eyes every time Soonyoung passed by, I wanted to block out his voice, his flirty and annoying remarks. I just wanted to work on the design for the upcoming reception, but for that I needed to see Soonyoung. And I didn’t want to do that, so I postponed our meeting. We have a whole month until the reception, I don’t have to rush myself so much right now. I need at least a week to recover.

But that was a lie. A week turned into a week and five days. It was finally Friday and I’d be free for the next two days. I could do some touch up on the sketches Soonyoung left in my office last week and finally organize a meeting where we can talk about all the little important details. I still wasn’t ready to just face him, but I had to suck it up. We are adults, aren’t we? I might as well start acting like it, but only starting from next Monday. Today, I shall still wallow in my pain and ignore Soonyoung as best as I can. Which is starting to become harder and harder as his text are becoming more and more overwhelming. I could brush him off for one week, making it seem like I was actually busy with work and not dying a little bit more every night while I watched my favorite movie, ate mint chocolate ice cream and drank wine to wash away the hollowness in my chest. It didn’t even work, it just made it worse for the next day when I looked in the mirror and saw how messy and unkept I looked. I didn’t exactly care but I knew I had to stop being a baby when even Mrs. Choi voiced her concerns about my well-being. I didn’t even know others could see my suffering. Everyone but Soonyoung, who would happily waltz into my office from time to time and tell me random things, which used to entertain me before, but now they were just pissing me off. I wanted to smash his face in, but I couldn’t.

  I was quietly enjoying my coffee in the recreation room when another person entered, making me sigh to myself quietly. I’d have to make conversation again, lovely. But as I turned to face the incomer, my breath caught in my throat and my heart thudded in a dull way. Soonyoung was standing close to me, staring me in the eyes intently, with his eyes narrowed. I gulped and quickly raised the mug to my lips to take a big sip of my coffee, finding it as an excuse to break eye contact.

“Okay, what’s happening with you?” Soonyoung asked when I loudly slurped the coffee, voice angry. My eyes widened as I looked at him, taken aback by his sudden anger. He was rarely angry; it took a lot to piss of Kwon Soonyoung.

I gulped and shrugged as I side stepped him, putting distance between our bodies, “I don’t know. Nothing?”

He was only standing so close to me to intimidate me, to make me tell him what he wanted to know. But I wouldn’t do what he wanted anymore, we were over that. I wasn’t going to bend to his wishes so easily anymore.

“How’s your girlfriend doing?” I asked with a smile, trying not to cringe at the word ‘girlfriend’ and to keep an even tone.

“Pretty well, don’t change the subject” Soonyoung snapped and I dropped my fake happy smile.

“I didn’t” I muttered and continued to slurp my coffee loudly, realizing it was pissing Soonyoung off more. It was actually quite entertaining to watch him clench and unclench his jaw while he glared at my mug, who knew such little action could tick him off!

“Yes, you did and stop slurping that God damn coffee like a five-year-old!”

“Woah, woah, there, horsy! What’s got your knickers in a twist?” I asked with a snicker and Soonyoung opened his mouth lightning fast but he closed it a second later. He took a deep breath and his eyes softened. My heart skipped a beat, the broken pieces becoming a bit more broken if that’s possible, and I tried to look away from his face but our eyes were glued together.

“I don’t know what’s happening with you, but you barely speak to me nowadays” Soonyoung spoke quietly, leaning against the counter defeated. Shit, guilt enveloped me as I watched his tired face, “Your responses to my text messages are dry, you don’t hang out with me anymore and you always throw me out of your office when I have something to rant about! Why are you ignoring me?!”

I lowered my mug on the table that was between us and tried to push down the sudden urge to walk up to him and hug him tightly and apologize, “I know, I just…I’m so busy. These clients are really making me work hard. I mean, their color combination is horrible and we have to make it work somehow. I’m also trying to match the decoration to your sketches, while trying to find a fitting set for the photoshoot. I guess I just got really busy suddenly. But when we are done with these clients we can—uh, hang out…”

“Hang out, yeah” Soonyoung whispered as he looked down at the ground and I bit my lip nervously. It’s not like what I said was a total lie, “Jihoon misses you, you should come hang out with us sometime when you decide to rest even for a second”

Jihoon misses me. Only Jihoon? Jihoon and I aren’t even friends, we just know each other because he’s Soonyoung’s flat mate and because I would go over to have sex with Soonyoung almost daily. I wanted to hear Soonyoung saying he misses me, I wanted him to tell me he can’t live without me, that his heart breaks every day more as we spend less and less time together. This is just like the first time we grew apart, but a lot more painful. Back then I thought I only lost a friend, now I feel like I lost a piece of myself as well.

“I’ll see when I finally get to rest” I smiled at Soonyoung again before quickly leaving the room, leaving a solemn Soonyoung behind. Unlike me, he radiated more and more as days went by. His smile was wider than ever, his laughter louder than before. He even stopped flirting so obviously with the other women, especially Yerim, and it made me think how serious his relationship must be. He never spoke about it, but the little changes said enough. Or at least the little changes he wanted us to see, his real feelings buried deep inside away from everyone’s eyes.

        The day was finally over and I dragged myself home. My apartment quickly became my sanctuary over the past week. Here nobody could bother me if I didn’t let them in and most importantly! I didn’t have to see Soonyoung! If before I couldn’t wait to see Soonyoung, now I can’t wait to get away and ignore him. It’s not the best way to deal with things, I’m further ruining our friendship, but it’s the only way I can cope. For now, I’ll just ignore him for as long as I can, and once I get over him, I can tell him why I did what I did. He would understand me, for sure, and hopefully even forgive me. If I thought before, that I think too much about Soonyoung, ever since he told me he has a girlfriend I feel like I’m obsessed with him. I’m constantly thinking of him and all the if’s that could have been. It’s not healthy and I keep telling myself to stop, but it’s really hard. I want to be the one he hugs and whispers his lame jokes to when cuddling in bed. I want to be the one who gets to wake up to him next to me every morning and cook together breakfast that will be burnt in the end. I want to be the one who’d argue with him for having a messy room, and I want to be with him and plan a future, our future. But I’m not and that thought drives me into craziness and I just want to run into a wall and let my body fall crushed to the ground. But I can’t do all those, I have to live my life. This is just another cruel joke that life has to offer me and so far, I’m not taking it well at all. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

Surprisingly enough, ever since I became pretty much depressive, I found the little motivation hidden deep inside to clean up my apartment and cook daily! My apartment hasn’t been this clean ever since I stopped living with my parents, I made great effort to keep it crystal clear. I even started calling Yerim almost daily to ask her for new recipes, apparently, she’s an amazing cook! I never knew all the cookies she brough to work were cooked by her! It’s as if the suffering Soonyoung caused me has opened my eyes to a new world, in which he didn’t play that much part, and that world, as painful as it was, was actually much better and liberating. But my high spirits were crushed when I opened one cupboard and saw I had no pasta…or sauce for the pasta. I then thought of ditching home cooked dinner but then I opened my fridge and realized I drank all the wine last night. Damn it! I groaned loudly as I turned around and quickly hopped into my white sneakers and pulled on my brown coat. I must look horrible wearing sweatpants, and a turtle neck with a coat. But the little market is just five minutes away, it’s already 8pm, there’s not many people outside since it’s cold. I locked the front door and instead of taking the elevator and wasting my time by waiting for it, I quickly raced down the seven flight of stairs and left the building, shivering at the cold. I underestimated the weather tonight, I should have worn my thick jacket instead of this coat! But that only urged me to walk faster in order to reach the market and the lovely warmness. The bell chimed loudly, the sound drowned out by the music coming from the stereos, as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. There was no one behind the counter and I looked around, trying to remember where the pasta was last time. The boss of the market has a weird habit of reorganizing the aisles every few weeks, confusing, but I won’t question it. As I passed by the freezers my eyes fell on the wines and I hurried towards them, quickly zeroing out my favorite brand. I took a bottle off the shelf and looked around to find the pasta. It was at the second aisle to my left and I strutted towards it with a victorious smile. However, once I got there, I stopped with furrowed eyebrows. What kind of pasta should I buy? There are so many types, I never understood the logic behind it. Isn’t pasta, pasta? Why do you need so many types? Just make spaghetti and everyone will buy it! Why have penne, tagliatelle, tortilla and all the other types that I don’t even know the names of. I rubbed my chin as my eyes juggled between the tagliatelle and the penne. I want to eat Carbonara tonight, but won’t it be too greasy if I use tagliatelle? Maybe I should just go for penne. But penne are so small! I sighed as I took a step back and continued to think of which one to choose, playing with the bottle of wine in my hands. I was so lost in thought that I almost didn’t notice the guy slowly inching closer and closer, eyes focused on the products that were displayed on the shelf. If I wouldn’t have stepped back when I did, he definitely would’ve crushed my toes.

“Oh” He whispered at my sudden movement, eyes widening. My lips formed a thin line as I looked at him wordlessly, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there”

“Yeah, I figured” I mumbled as I watched from the corner of my eye as he bowed his head a little bit. He had light brown hair and it was falling all over his forehead in little waves. I ignored the stranger as I looked back at the different types of pasta and just sighed. But my sigh was louder than I expected, in fact, I realized, the stranger looked just as defeated as I felt. Hearing my sigh caught his attention as I saw him glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.

“You have trouble choosing one?” I found myself asking as I glanced at the stranger again from the corner of my eye. He was quick to look away, but his slightly pink cheeks indicated the fact that he knew I caught him staring.

“Yeah!” The guy chuckled, his voice light and melodic. It carried a warmness that unwillingly brought a smile to my lips.

“You’ve been standing here for longer than me, though” He spoke up again, an amused smile crossing his lips as he looked at me, “You must be more troubled”

“Yeah!” I nodded, finally facing him fully. His eyes were big and I felt like he was smiling at me just with his eyes, as his lips now were in a pout. He was dressed casually and I couldn’t help but laugh when his outfit registered in my mind. His eyes widened a bit as he looked at me and I quickly shook my head.

“Nothing’s funny—I mean, I’m not laughing at you!” I quickly said before he could misunderstand furthermore, “Your outfit, it’s just—before I left my apartment, I thought how hideous I look wearing sweatpants with a coat.”

The handsome stranger looked down at his outfit and then back at me, his eyes wide again, “I know, right?! My friend would be horrified if he saw me dressed like this!”

I giggled and nodded my head quickly, realizing Yerim would’ve skinned me alive, “Mine wouldn’t have appreciated it either”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow and I almost choked when I realized the sudden warmness on my cheeks was me blushing. Since when do I speak to strangers? Wait, no, since when does a stranger make me blush by such little action? Well, I can’t blame myself too much, this stranger is really eye catching. He’s handsome, I mean, really, handsome.

“So…did you decide yet on what pasta you want?” He cleared his throat as he looked away sheepishly, and I wanted to think it was because he saw my blush and became shy. This stranger wasn’t just handsome, he was actually really cute. And it’s weird how his voice solely made me feel safe, I don’t even know him. But something about his whole demeanor screams safety and lots of warmness. I can imagine what a day would feel like with him. Lots of giggles and laughter, and good time spent well together.

“I don’t understand why there’s so many types. Wasn’t one enough? Why do I have to choose one? What’s their purpose?” The stranger started laughing as I sulkily stared at the shelf, glaring at the pasta. Suddenly something warm spread through my chest hearing his laughter again, and I blushed, again.

“Well, if it helps, I don’t know either, but I choose penne” He stepped forward and grabbed a pack of penne before turning around to face me.

“I think I’m going with the same choice…” I muttered as I followed his previous actions and turned to face him once I had the pack in my right hand, left holding the wine. I made sure to leave a respectable amount of space between us, even though I wouldn’t have minded being a bit closer to him. He had an innocent sort of lure that was getting harder to ignore.

“I’m Joshua.” After a few seconds of silence, the stranger, Joshua, spoke up. His name rolled down effortlessly his tongue, articulating the name with a perfect American accent. I blushed and I almost slapped my own cheek in front of this handsome man—Joshua.

“I’m Y/N,” I squeaked out once I realized I stayed quiet for too long, “Uhm—your name it’s—uh…you’re a foreigner?”

I wanted to dig my own grave as I stuttered over my own words, my cheeks becoming warmer as a sweet smile appeared on Joshua’s lips. Many would have been amused by my reaction, but he looked understanding, like he wasn’t bothered by me asking.

“Sort of,” He started explaining and I raised my eyebrows at his answer, “I grew up in LA, but I moved back when I was around ten years old”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding and Joshua scratched the back of his neck, “Explains the subtle accent”

He chuckled and now it was his turn to blush and I had to bite my lip to not smile so widely, “Yeah, well—you could call me Jisoo too. But I might not react to that name…”

“I think Joshua fits you, it’s a pretty name” A pretty name for a pretty boy, I almost continued aloud, feeling just as flustered as Joshua looked.

“Thank you” He mumbled quietly and I cleared my throat and motioned for us to start walking.

“You live in the neighborhood?” I asked as we walked towards the cashier.

“No, but my friend does” Joshua answered with a shake of his head and I hummed, glancing at him again. He was attention capturing, my thoughts were suddenly silenced. I was only focused on him, a sudden calmness overtaking me, calmness I haven’t felt in long. Even the hollowness in my chest felt subsided. And he’s just a stranger, he made me feel like that in the ten minutes we interacted. Could he make me feel more if we were to spend more time together? With the sudden surge of confidence and curiosity, I opened my mouth to speak up again.

“Do you want to exchange phone numbers?” Joshua stopped walking and he turned to look at me shocked. I examined his face to see if I made him uncomfortable, but he only looked surprised, “It’s fine if you don’t want to, Joshua”

“No! I actually want to!” He quickly spoke up and fished his phone out of his pocket at lightning speed. I smiled and took it in my hands, his phone unlocked already, as I went to his contacts to type in my number.

“I left my phone at home so you’ll have to text me first” I said with a wink as I handed his phone back after I saved my number, “I really hope you’ll text me…”

Joshua giggled as he quickly worked something on his phone, his fingers working fast before he was showing the phone’s screen to me.

To Y/N: Hi, this is Joshua. I promise I’m not a creep, can you promise me the same thing?

I laughed quietly as I nodded my head when Joshua put his phone away, “I can promise you that I’m not a creep.”

“Good.” He grinned and placed his items on the counter, “As much as I’d like to spend some more time with you right now, Minghao isn’t a very patient person, and we are hungry too”

“Oh, yes, sure! Wouldn’t want to hold you back from having dinner” I placed my own items on the counter as Joshua paid for his purchase. The cashier scanned my wine and penne before she placed the items in a bag.

“I hope you’ll answer my text, I’m not very patient when it comes to texting…” Joshua said in a teasing manner as he held the door open for me, we walked out together after I paid.

“Give me five minutes” I chuckled as we stopped in front of the shop, shivering as the cold breeze passed underneath our coats.

“I’ll give you ten” Joshua smiled a bit and I chuckled before biding him goodbye and quickly hurrying home. I wasn’t even that hungry anymore, I just wanted to talk to Joshua. I was giddy and breathless by the time I made it up to my apartment, having ran up seven flight of stairs. It felt like all my worries were gone as I looked forward to texting Joshua, a good feeling spreading through my body.

        It only took us two days to agree on going on a date. It was the fastest someone has taken me out on a date after getting to know me. But during those two days, Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I’ve known Joshua for my whole life. He was really funny, in a very innocent way meanwhile Soonyoung’s energy always drained me. However, Joshua, he knew how to balance out being serious but funny at the same time. Sometimes he would make snarky comments and I didn’t fail to notice his mischievous nature. He liked to play pranks on his friends, I found out after he told me a story of him pranking his two friends at work. His boss wasn’t very impressed with Joshua but he likes him too much to fire him for such petty thing, and it was April 1st. Joshua worked as a banker in the city center, half an hour away from my own office. He likes to take long walks in his free time, he likes going on little trips in the country, rides his bicycle every Saturday in the forest on the outskirts of the city, he likes playing the guitar and watching movies when he’s feeling stressed. We agreed on doing a movie night the next time he gets stressed. I felt like a high school girl when talking to Joshua. My heart would start beating faster every time my phone alerted me that I had a new message and I would be really disappointed when it was just a simple notification and not Joshua texting me. However, he did keep his word about being an impatient texter. He really didn’t make me wait with his replies and if he was busy, he’d tell me, so that I knew why he wasn’t able to answer me right away. On Friday, the day we met in the shop, we stayed up until 3 am texting. I would burst out laughing every five minutes, maybe it was from the wine in my system, but everything Joshua said that night seemed to be overly funny. He told me he’s never seen someone looking so serious while shopping for pasta, neither did he think someone would get frustrated over such topic: ‘why are there so many types’. My cheeks flared up when he confessed telling his friend, Minghao, that he took so long to arrive back to his apartment because he was talking to a chick who was angry at pasta. He also said, Minghao’s words, “that he can’t believe Joshua was able to pick up a girl looking dressed like that”. I had to agree with Minghao and Joshua feigned hurt for a good ten minutes, ten minutes that I wouldn’t stop laughing because wasn’t Minghao right? Even I thought we looked ridiculous dressed like that. It was hard to put my phone aside and focus on my work, work that I tried pushing to the back of my mind, because it reminded me of Soonyoung. And Joshua made me feel so good and happy, that even the thought of thinking of Soonyoung infuriated me. I didn’t want to see him or think of him, I didn’t want the hollowness in my chest to return, the frustrating thoughts and wondering of what could have been, I wanted peace and happiness. Joshua offered me those and I tried to focus on them while working, even if it was hard. Soonyoung hasn’t texted me for three days now, and I would lie if I said I didn’t hope he’d do it. I missed him, again, and I missed him badly. I wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed and whine about the horrible color choices the bride and groom made. That I couldn’t handle this task without him, that I could barely handle myself without him. But I refused to do that, I realized it was unhealthy and I realized Soonyoung truly does see me as his best friend and I’m ruining the friendship we tried so badly to restore once we met again at work. I was selfish for ignoring him, but I couldn’t think of any other coping way. His words still hurt me, his words like poison to my heart. But Joshua…he made it all go away. He pulled me in and made me think of the present only and the feelings he was giving me. No Soonyoung, no pain. That’s why I decided Joshua deserved a chance, I deserved a chance. Soonyoung was happy, then why wouldn’t I be too? Why limit myself to a man who didn’t see me the way I see him? It was time to mature and move on.

My smile spread from ear to ear as I read the text from Joshua, ‘Good morning, cutie ^^’, while I brushed my teeth. I slept well last night but now my stomach wouldn’t stop grumbling. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have breakfast yet, it was because in an hour I’d be on a date with Joshua. Our very first date, and hopefully there is many more to come. I quickly sent back a good morning text and did my morning routine. Once I was dressed in a nice dark green, form fitting, dress that reached my ankles, I grabbed my purse and folder that I needed for later for the meeting. My red high heels clicked loudly as I descended the stairs, I might hate elevators because they kind of make me feel claustrophobic. I quickly got into my car once I got outside, shivering at the cold morning breeze. Joshua had a tight schedule this week and so did I, it was my own fault really for postponing the meeting with Soonyoung for so long, so we agreed on having a breakfast date at the coffee shop that’s closest to both of our workplaces. The car ride to the coffee shop didn’t take as long as I expected, today’s traffic wasn’t so bad, that was a first. So, I got there earlier and decided to wait in front of the coffee shop, but to my surprise, Joshua was already waiting at the front entrance. I quickly hurried up and hearing my high heels, Joshua turned towards me and smiled. A wide smile appeared on my own lips as I stopped in front of him, cheeks warming up when he pulled me in a short but warm hug. We greeted each other shyly and Joshua opened the door for me, both of us shivering once we were inside and enveloped in warmness.

“What would you like?” Joshua’s eyebrows rose as he turned towards me.

“One tall Caramel Macchiato and a croissant sandwich.” I answered and Joshua nodded before walking to the front counter. I looked around and chose a seat that was next to the wall, a pretty painting of flowers hung above the table. There weren’t many people in the shop right now as it was early and most people were already at work, thankfully, our schedules started later on the day. We had two hours before we had to head to work.

“Here” Joshua whispered more to himself as he placed down a tray in front of me, my order on it. I thanked him and helped him with his own tray, taking it from him and placing it on the table as he took his coat off and hung it on the hanger behind our table. I quickly followed his actions and took off my own coat, hanging it next to his.

“Do you plan on telling me how much my order was?” I asked with a smile as Joshua chuckled and shook his head, “Okay, I’ll just look at the menu on our way out and pay you back before we part ways”

“Oh, come on, Y/N!” Joshua giggled as he leaned back in his chair, his warm brown eyes connecting with mine, “It’s our first date. Next time I’ll let you pay for both of us”

“Only if on the third date we get to split evenly” I pointed a playful finger at him and a big smile spread on his lips, which he tried to hide by drinking from his drink. It was Caramel Macchiato, good choice.

“I really like the idea of a third date…” He trailed off and I bit my lower lip, looking down at my food.

“To be honest, I haven’t been on a date in ages, so I might be a bit rusty at it” I admitted and giggled a bit, feeling embarrassed. I was too wrapped up in Soonyoung to go on dates, or to even think about someone else. Apparently, he wasn’t.

“Don’t worry, so far so good” I gave Joshua a pointed look and he shrugged his shoulders, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“We’ve been together for like…fifteen minutes?” I glanced down at my wrist watch, “I don’t think I had the time to fuck up yet”

“Yeah, about that…” Joshua’s lips pulled up in a thin line and I raised my eyebrows.

“Now you made me curious, tell me all about it”

“Uh, maybe it’s not a first date kind of subject to talk about—”

“No, no, you really have to tell me Joshua, or I’ll nag you forever about it” I smacked my lips in a tight line and Joshua sighed before clearing his throat. He sat up tighter and his sudden serious demeanor took me by surprise, but when his lips quivered, I realized he was joking around and I gave him a small glare.

“Right, so…I went on a date with a girl, like…two years ago?” His eyes narrowed as he thought for a second, but then continued on with his story, “And like…I offered to pick her up and drive her to the cinema, we were having a movie date, and then while we are in the car, she turns pale and stops talking to me”

“Oh, your breath must have smelled really bad, dude…” I muttered, interrupting Joshua, and he threw me a warning glare. I started giggling and quickly bit into my croissant to muffle the sound as Joshua just shook his head.

“That really wasn’t the case, Y/N, I was literally chewing on the strongest gum out there—”

“If it’s Orbit, it really isn’t the strongest one, Shua” I interrupted once again and he wanted to glare at me, but his lips turned into a smile. My cheeks warmed up realizing that I just gave him a nickname, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

“It was Airwaves Extreme, hon, that thing throws your throat on fire” Just like my cheeks are on fire right now? I gulped down the rest of the croissant that was in my mouth carefully, trying to ignore the fact that he called me ‘hon’, shit, this is the first date only and I’m already dying? Was I out of the dating life for too long or does Joshua really have this effect on me?

“Anyways, back to the important things—the girl had food poisoning, so I had to drive her to the hospital. She felt bad for our ruined date, and so did I, until I found out she was set up by her younger sister and wasn’t really looking for a new relationship because she was pinning on a different guy already” I gulped a bit harder, eyes locking with Joshua’s. His lips were in a grimace and I hummed quietly, telling myself that I’m not pinning on Soonyoung. I’m getting over him, whatever I felt for him will soon be gone. Gone, because I have Joshua, because I want to try this out with him.

“What about the tickets…” I mumbled and Joshua nodded with a solemn look on his face.

“Didn’t go to waste, I went to the movie with Jeonghan, the co-worker I pranked” I giggled remembering the story he told me on Friday and wiped my mouth with a tissue before speaking.

“I still can’t believe you poured glitter all over his desk and his suit!” Joshua started laughing, his chest moving up and down by the force of it and I grinned, once again, from ear to ear.

“He looked good with the pink glitter though” He said with a grin once his laughter died down and I hummed, biting into my sandwich again.

“Are you not going to eat your breakfast?” I asked as I glanced down at his plate, two toasts sitting untouched.

“We’ve still got time, right?” He raised an eyebrow and I nodded as I glanced at my watch. Half an hour has already passed, but we still had time, indeed.

“I feel like I did all the talking…” He trailed off, playing with his tissue, “Like, I told you a lot about myself. Not that you didn’t tell me about your hobbies or something, but, you didn’t really talk about your childhood or friends…”

I hummed and took a sip of my drink, clearing my throat before speaking up, “Well, because I consider myself a boring person? I mean, compared to your filled childhood, mine sounds so boring. So, I didn’t want to like…bore you with mine, you know…”

“If I found you boring, Y/N, I wouldn’t have stayed up until 3 am or texted you daily or asked you on this date or would’ve thought about the other many dates that I’d like to go on with you” Joshua spoke with passion and a serious voice, making my heart beat quicken. He really wanted to hear my story, to get to know me. He was curious of who I used to be before I blossomed into the person I am today. I forgot, how it works when you meet someone new. When Soonyoung and I reconciled, I didn’t have to tell him everything about my life, I just had to fill in the gaps of the time he wasn’t part of my life, he already knew the rest about me. But Joshua is someone new, someone who doesn’t know, someone who doesn’t know my past self. He wants to know me more, to discover me and create a future with me.

“Where do I start…” I sighed as I glanced at the beautiful painting before looking back at Joshua, “I’m an only child, I was well off while growing up but we did struggle from time to time. My mother owns a restaurant and my father is a taxi driver. I’m usually late to everything, it’s a bad habit my father passed down on me. I went to college in my hometown because we couldn’t afford me going to a prestigious one, but that’s okay. I’m doing my dream job now, it all turned out well in the end. I don’t really have friends, if I’m being honest, I already told you I was never bothered being on my own. Being alone isn’t something that scares me, it gives me comfort rather.”

Joshua listened to me closely and nodded his head every once and then, a warm and understanding smile on his lips, “Come on, you must have had at least one friend…”

“Well,” I chuckled and tried to keep a neutral expression while thinking about Soonyoung, “I guess I accidentally did end up making a friend. We met back in high school, but during college we drifted apart because he transferred to a better college. And because the world is so small…we met at work again, became co-workers, so we reconciled. He’s known me for the longest. I guess I could call Yerim a friend too but…you know, I don’t feel her close to me like I do with…Soonyoung”

Joshua studied my expression and he nodded while blinking, lips jutted out a bit, “So…it’s a he, huh?”

I shrugged and took a sip of my Caramel Macchiato, “He ran into me in the hallway when we were both late to class…that definitely wasn’t the last time we were late to somewhere”

Joshua chuckled and nodded his head, a charming smile directed at me. I bit my lower lip, suddenly feeling shy under his intense gaze. It felt like he was looking straight into my soul and I took my time to shamelessly check him out. He was wearing a dark brown suit, a white shirt underneath and no tie on. He looked very official, all buttons done, unlike Soonyoung. He was always showing his collarbones off, a necklace on from time to time and, of course, his rings. Soonyoung never left the house without his rings. Joshua was his opposite. He wore no jewelry, and as attractive as I found men wearing rings and necklaces, I found Joshua even more attractive with his put together and elegant look. His hair was still messy, however, falling in his eyes in waves and I thought it looked even more attractive now with his current outfit.

“I think I could get used to mornings like this one…” Joshua spoke quietly, smile now turned fond and I let out a small sigh of air, “You look really beautiful”

“Thank you,” His words were so innocent and genuine, unlike the filthy words Soonyoung would whisper in my ear while we were at work, “I knew men in suits were attractive, but you took it to a whole another level”

Joshua burst out laughing and I followed him, feeling light and warm. My cheeks would hurt by the end of this date, that’s how much I smile because of Joshua. My skin tingled and my heart quickened every time I took a sneaky glance at him and I realized, it took him two days to make me like him. And I didn’t just like him, oh no, I liked him very much. But maybe it was attraction at first sight, something that I haven’t felt before. Not even with Soonyoung. This feeling was brand new and reserved for Joshua only. Finally, something that Soonyoung couldn’t rob me off.

“You should eat your toast, Shua, because I know if you won’t, I sure will” I said with a shrug and Joshua shook his head before finally taking one toast and biting into it. I smiled at him contently and sipped my drink, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in two weeks.

Our date came to an end sadly and we left the coffee shop half an hour before we’d have to start working. Joshua didn’t have a ride because Minghao offered him one, apparently, he slept over at his apartment, so I offered to drive Joshua to his workplace and save him from freezing to death. We walked to the parking lot and I unlocked my car when we were a few feet away and my eyes widened when Joshua sat in the driver’s seat. I stopped walking and gazed curiously at the passenger door as it was opened from the inside.

“Get in, hon, I’m driving today” I couldn’t help but laugh as I finally sat inside, turning towards Joshua amused.

“What are you doing, Shua?” I asked airily, unable to stop laughing.

“I would’ve opened the door for you before getting inside, but I have a feeling you would have refused, so…I took matters in my hands and I’ll be driving you to work!” He clapped his hands together once, excitedly, before he reached for his seatbelt. I was still laughing as I buckled in my own and opened my palm so that he could take the car keys. When his long fingers brushed against the skin of my palm, something that felt like slight electricity traveled up my arm all the way to my chest. This was new, I’ve never experienced this before. Not even the first time Soonyoung touched me in a sensual way. Joshua must have felt it too when his eyes lingered on my palm, and I bit my lip and turned away to look out the window as he started my car, engine roaring to life.

“You’ll be cold by the time you arrive to the Bank” I tried to convince Joshua while we were still in the parking lot, “It’s a twenty-minute-long walk. What if you get a flu? We’ll have to postpone our second date and maybe I’ll have to come over and nurse you—”

“If I get you to come over by getting sick, I will catch a flu on purpose” I tsked and lightly punched his thigh as we were in traffic and not in the parking lot anymore, aiming for his arm would be dangerous.

“I will come over some time, idiot, don’t catch a flu—”

“Oh, good.” He grinned as we stopped at a red light, turning his head towards me, “Calling me an idiot on the first date?”

I instantly blushed, my whole face going red probably, “Sorry, that was inappropriate”

Joshua just chuckled, driving past the traffic light as it turned green, a smirk on his handsome face, “I see you’re getting comfortable around me, we love to see it”

“Joshua…” I muttered quietly, throwing him a glare that I knew he could see from the corner of his eyes. His smirk turned into a wide smile and I sighed as I looked out the window, fighting my own smile to act like I was sulking.

“Don’t worry, I called Jeonghan to pick me up while you were in the restroom” Joshua spoke in a reassuring, warm, voice and I turned towards him again, gaping a bit.

“You, Hong Joshua Jisoo, are something” I huffed out, “First, your friend drives you to your date, then you steal your date’s car and drive her to work, but then your co-worker picks you up!”

“What can I say,” Joshua turned his head just a bit, enough for me to see the sneaky smirk, to glance at me, “I have good connections and I can be very persuasive”

“Mhm” I hummed with a grimace and he just laughed, slowing the car as he turned on the street that led behind the building I worked in. He turned into the parking lot and parked my car nicely, turning the engine off. We undid our seatbelts and Joshua gave me the keys. I was reaching for the door handle but Joshua’s hand on my left hand stopped me from doing so.

“Not to sound cocky, but I think you had a great time with me and I felt amazing for the past two hours, so…that second date is set then?” I grinned at Joshua and nodded my head.

“We go cycling on Wednesday, yes?” Joshua nodded his head, his hand still on mine. My heart started beating quickly again and I glanced down at our hands before squeezing his fingers lightly. When I looked back up at him, his smile was replaced with a contemplating look and I gulped, hoping he’d lean in and kiss me. Peck me on the cheek or give me an actual kiss, I didn’t care as long as his lips touched my face.

“Cycling on Wednesday because you are busy on Saturday, that’s right.” Joshua spoke quietly, eyes on my lips and I just wanted to lean in and kiss him, but decided to ground myself, “See? I’m even changing my habits for you”

“Which is good in case a serial killer was following you and figured out your habit, Joshua” Maybe that sentence was a mood killer, because Joshua laughed and stopped looking at my lips. I really shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t help myself. I knew he wouldn’t judge me, so everything that ran through my mind had to be voiced. With Soonyoung, that simple sentence definitely would’ve been a mood killer. He would’ve whined about me being weird and ruining the mood with stupid remarks, but Joshua didn’t do that. No, he actually leaned in and pressed his red lips against mine. His were soft and a bit cold as I pressed my lips back, closing my eyes and enjoying the way my heart was about to explode, the blush on my cheeks and the tingling of my skin. The kiss only lasted for a minute but it was enough, I didn’t want it to last longer. It felt loving and reassuring. It wasn’t desperate and demanding, like the kisses I was used to receiving from Soonyoung. This kiss felt like it said ‘we’ve got all the time in the world, let’s take it slow’, and I liked slow. I liked the process and the freedom I felt still.

“Go inside before you are late, again, Y/N” Joshua spoke sweetly, patting my hand before opening his door. I nodded to myself, he’s not wrong, and opened my door, getting out. Once the car was locked Joshua walked me to the front of the building and looked up at it, squinting.

“Have a good day, don’t forget to text me when you have time.” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m afraid I was too lazy and I really won’t have time to text you that much, maybe in the evening. You can still leave me messages, I’ll look at them when I have time!” Joshua hummed and nodded before patting down my hair.

“It was a bit ruffled…” He muttered and I smiled knowingly at him. Sure, it was, Joshua.

“Hey, yo!” Suddenly a shrill voice caught our attention and Joshua groaned, “Bro, you have exactly ten seconds to get in the car before I leave you here!”

Joshua closed his eyes in exasperation and I laughed as I pushed him forward, “Go, talk to you later!”

Joshua waved and winked as he jogged towards his friend’s parked car, Jeonghan I assume, his car was blocking the traffic and cars were already honking behind him.

“I’m going, I’m going!” Jeonghan shouted, his window still down, as he looked back at me, “Nice to meet you, pretty lady! Next time Joshua can introduce us formally, but we’ve got to go before these monsters cuss me out!”

“Bye!” I laughed and waved as Joshua rolled the window up, cheeks flushed as he shook his head at me, and Jeonghan took off, lips moving quickly as he spoke to Joshua. With a smile on my face, and carefree, I walked inside the building feeling proud that I wasn’t late today.

        My happiness didn’t last for long, as I was expecting it already. Everything went well until Soonyoung and I finally met up for the meeting in my office. I had all plans and sketches laid out on my table, all ready before Soonyoung came, so that we wouldn’t waste time on that as well. We were on a tight schedule and two weeks went by without us doing much, which was really my fault. But that meant that right now we had to move fast and decide what we wanted so that we could order everything for the reception and be ready on time. My stomach was making sounds the closer the time of the meeting came and I blamed it on the little breakfast I had, but I knew it was because of Soonyoung. I wasn’t ready to face him, not after the amazing morning I had with Joshua. I wanted to stay relaxed and cheerful, but I knew upon seeing Soonyoung I would turn moody and irritated. Seeing him would only make me miss him more, something I didn’t need right now. A knock on my door made me jump and I straightened up in my seat before calling out for the person that it was okay to enter. The door opened and in walked Soonyoung, looking just as flawless as always. He was still wearing his black suit, upper buttons of his white shirt undone and rings on his fingers. My eyes focused on the pendant hanging around his neck, realizing it was the one I bought him two years ago when we went on a vacation in Jeju. I gulped and focused my eyes on his face, trying to give him a genuine smile.

“Good morning,” He greeted quietly as he shuffled around, frowning down at the papers in his hands. I bit my lip and stopped myself before I could sigh, I really missed hearing his voice. I’ve been doing my best to ignore him and I was succeeding at it way too well.

“Good morning,” I greeted back once I found my voice, Soonyoung now was seated across from me, all papers placed down on the table.

“Fancy seeing you finally decided to meet up.” His voice was bitter and I rolled my eyes as I looked down at his sketches, refusing to make eye contact with him even though he was searching for my gaze intently.

“Yeah, I was really undecided about this project…” I muttered, reaching across my table and taking Soonyoung’s sketches into my hands. He mimicked my actions and did the same thing, my sketches in his hands. I hummed quietly as my eyes ran over the drawings Soonyoung made, reading the descriptions on the backs of them. He had good ideas and I liked them more than the ones I chose. However, his location choices didn’t fit well with the theme the bride and groom wanted. I was so lost in thought that I almost missed Soonyoung gazing intently at me, almost.

“What?” I snapped before I could control myself, eyes falling on him. He was chewing the inside of his mouth and just shrugged before he looked back down at the sketches.

“Nothing…” He muttered but looked back at me, sending the butterflies in a frenzy in my stomach, “Just missed you, I guess. And you look amazing today”

I gulped and ignored the way my body reacted to his words, the want to walk up to him and embrace him powerful, “Thanks. You look the same as always”

Soonyoung chuckled and sent me a smirk, one I decided to ignore, before he placed one sketch back on the table.

“I like this design, it looks good” He said, pointing at the paper and I nodded as I placed all of his sketches on the table.

“The locations you chose aren’t very fitting, Soonyoung, it doesn’t go well with the theme” I decided to be direct with him, the faster we get over this the better. I really want to text Joshua right now. And as if he’s a mind reader, my phone pinged, signaling I just got a message from him. Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me confused.

“Why are they not good? They want something water themed so I looked over all the locations they could afford and those are the only decent ones” He said, voice a bit aggressive, as he looked at me. It wasn’t like this was the first time we disagreed on something for work, but he never got hot headed about it.

“I get it, but they are either too small for all the people they invited to fit inside or not next to an actual water” I explained as my phone pinged again, and I bit my lip to hide my smile. Joshua must be having his lunch break right now. Which just reminds me of how hungry I am right now.

“You can’t have everything” Soonyoung shrugged nonchalantly, eyes falling on my phone when it made another sound, “They either give up on a few people or raise their budget where I can find them an actual place that has it all”

I threw him a glare before looking back down at the sketches, choosing one that could work out, “Yeah, well, it’s a bit too late to tell them we can’t find a suitable place. We have to make it work”

“Well, who’s fault is it, huh?” My eyes snapped back up, focusing on Soonyoung, who was glaring at me. I scoffed and shook my head before pushing the sketches towards him.

“I’m sorry I have a life that doesn’t revolve around you and work only! I had other things to take care of, besides, it’s not like you can’t do this without me!” My voice raised a few octaves and Soonyoung’s eyes narrowed at me as he leaned forward, challenging me with his gaze.

“We are partners for a reason, Y/N, I can’t choose a place without you matching the décor to it” He snapped back, voice leveled, but the way he was clenching his jaw gave away his anger.

“Stop making excuses and find a place! Or do I have to do that as well?!” I stood up from my chair, realizing this meeting really wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. Now I was just screaming at him and letting my frustrations out because he has a girlfriend and I’m in love with him. It’s not really his fault he couldn’t find a bigger and better place, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to scream at him, to make him feel like I felt the day he told me he was seeing someone. I knew it wasn’t a reasonable reason nor a nice thing to do, but I had to let it out.

“What the fuck!” Soonyoung was on his feet in an instant, eyes glaring at me as he slammed one hand down, “Don’t make this sound like I always fuck up or something! If you didn’t ignore me for two fucking weeks this wouldn’t be an issue right now—”

“I wasn’t ignoring you—”

“Oh, fuck off!” Soonyoung rolled his eyes as silence enveloped us. I fisted my palms and willed myself to take deep breaths and think logically before I said something that could ruin the last thin thread our friendship was hanging on. But then my phone pinged again, twice this time, and Soonyoung’s eyes snapped towards it.

“Can’t you turn the fucking phone off?” I glared at him and took the phone off the table and threw it in my purse, which was by the foot of my table.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” I argued and Soonyoung rolled his eyes before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Why are you ignoring me?” The way he was looking at me left no room for denial. I knew he knew what I was doing, and he also knew he was right. He caught me red handed and I didn’t have a good enough excuse this time. So, I didn’t think much before I answered him.

“Because I can.” Soonyoung laughed humorlessly before he stalked towards me, making me glare at him.

“You can’t just ignore me. We are friends. You stopped talking to me ever since I told you I have a girlfriend as if it’s the end of the fucking world—” He stopped talking abruptly, standing just a foot away from me. We looked into each other’s eyes and Soonyoung gulped. It was clear that he finally realized what was the reason and I didn’t care anymore. If this was the way he found out I had feelings for him, so be it. Now, I’m working on getting over him so I don’t care anymore. I have Joshua, someone who makes me feel like no one has done it before. And I want to make it work.

“Yeah, well, it was the end of the fucking world for me, Soonyoung. But don’t worry, it’s not like you should have at least warned the person you were fucking regularly that you might be seeing someone” I huffed and smiled at him bitterly, watching as his face became expressionless. Of course, classic Soonyoung, act like nothing is happening in the middle of something serious.

“I didn’t have time to—”

“I don’t give a fuck about your excuses!” I snapped and pointed a finger at him, “Get out of my office and find a fucking place by tonight for the reception. If you don’t, I’ll work with Chan on this reception and cut you from it. It’s not like we are actual partners, I can work with whomever I want.”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched more and he raised a hand, about to grab me, but quickly put it down by his side and went to gather his sketches.

“Two weeks of no dick turned you into a real fucking bitch” His sneer was malicious, he wanted to hurt me, to remind me I could no longer have him. And I was surprised when I started laughing, finding his words amusing. He was wrong, not getting dicked down for two weeks felt like a fresh breath of air. I didn’t realize how stressed it made me feel when he’d come over daily. Most of the time I wasn’t even in the mood but decided to go along with him because I knew afterward, I could be close to him, at least until one of us left.

“What makes you think you are the only one who could give me dick, Soonyoung?” I laughed and watched as his expression morphed into furry, his eyes traveling to my bag. Oh, this is amazing. He might think that’s my booty call and that just makes this situation even more hilarious.

“Yeah, so…maybe you should start working, unless you want Chan to be the one getting paid” I smiled sweetly at my friend and he threw me a glare that could kill before turning around and storming out of my office, slamming the door after him. But I wasn’t feeling better than he was looking, so I fished out my phone and distracted myself by answering Joshua.

       The chill music played lowly in the background as my finger hovered over the ‘send’ button. Soonyoung never contacted me with the new sketch, so I assumed he wouldn’t do it. I mean, it’s almost 12:00 pm, if he didn’t do it by now, he won’t do it. Chan is someone who I know I can trust, we’ve worked together before when Soonyoung was away, and he works fast and neat. But I didn’t know what to do, Joshua said I should wait until tomorrow and work it out at the office. I didn’t tell him the co-worker I fought with is my friend, Soonyoung, because I’m not ready to tell Joshua yet about the relationship I had with him and how I feel about Soonyoung. We haven’t even gone on our second date, which is in two days, I don’t want to ruin it. But even with Joshua’s reassuring words that I’ll work things out tomorrow, I couldn’t help but feel anxious. I have never neglected my work before and Mrs. Choi relied on me a lot, I was nervous I’d fail for the first time and I wasn’t ready to face the consequences for my childish acts. If the jiggling of keys wouldn’t have distracted me, I would have sent the message to Chan. But my eyebrows furrowed when a key was pushed into the lock of my door from the outside, after the person missed for the fourth time, and I stood up alerted from the counter. What is he doing here at this hour? I rushed to my front door, ready to lock it again before the person could enter, but I was a few seconds late because by the time I got there, it was already being pushed open.

“Y/N!” A raspy voice slurred and my eyebrows furrowed when my eyes fell on Soonyoung and saw the state he was in. His jacket was barely on him, white shirt even more undone than the last time I saw him today, his whole chest on display.

“What the hell are you doing!” I exclaimed when Soonyoung literally fell through my door, I quickly caught him before he could hit the floor.

“Y/N!” He slurred again and I was being pulled into Soonyoung, his face buried in my neck, arms sneaking around my waist. The air left my lungs at the sudden contact, heart beating at a mile. I was frozen as I gulped down the sudden feelings ignited inside my body and pushed closed the front door, locking it.

“What are you doing here?” I whispered, more to myself, as I bit my lips and gave in. My arms went around Soonyoung’s torso and I sighed as I closed my eyes. I missed him so much, his warmth and his scent. His body felt like heaven right now, to be hugging him, it was like something broke inside my stomach as I allowed myself to melt into Soonyoung for a few seconds longer. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I missed him so much.

“Y/N…” Soonyoung sighed into my neck, the hairs rising on arms, as he tried to stand up straight by me supporting his weight.

“You’re so drunk, Soonyoung…” I sighed as I ran a hand through his black hair, pushing it out of his eyes. The alcohol was so strong that it almost filled my nose as I put a little distance between our bodies, “Take your shoes off”

Soonyoung nodded wordlessly and while holding onto me, he pushed his shoes off clumsily, giggling when he lost his balance for a second, making me gasp as I had to catch him once again.

“Stop being silly, Soonyoung.” I scolded him as I rested one of his arms around my shoulders and walked him further inside my apartment, towards the sofa in the living room.

“I’m so shitfaced, Y/N!” He giggled again as he spoke, his words slurring even more and I shook my head with a sigh.

“You don’t say…” I helped him sit on the sofa, and he just fell on it, giggling again when he bounced a bit on the mattress.

“Stay here, I’ll bring you water” I pointed a finger at him, his small eyes narrowed as he looked up at me through hooded eyes, a lazy grin on his lips. I narrowed my eyes at him and Soonyoung shrugged before nodding once, signaling he understood. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass to fill it with water. What am I doing? Should I even nurse him? Why did he even come over? He should have gone home or to his girlfriend, why is he here, with me? I wanted to send him home after making him drink water, but I just couldn’t. He’s so drunk he can barely stand; I’m amazed he even got here.

After he drank his water, we stayed quiet. I placed the glass in the sink and went back to the living room, sitting on the little coffee table, to face him. Soonyoung’s lips were jutted out as he continued looking at his fingers, playing with them. Suddenly, a buzzing sound caught our attention and Soonyoung lazily reached inside his pocket and pulled out his phone. His eyebrows furrowed as he brought the phone closer to his face, mouthing the name of the caller. He looked more and more confused as seconds went by so I took the phone out of his hands. It said ‘babe’. My eyes went back to him as I held the ringing phone in my hands, not bothering to pick up.

“I should answer that…” Soonyoung trailed off, eyebrows furrowed as he reached forward, totally missing the direction I was sat in, “She’ll kill me tomorrow if I don’t…”

“I’ll let her know, okay? You don’t have to answer the phone right now.” I pushed him by his exposed chest to sit him down, he rose to take the phone from me, but his hand gripped mine against his chest, “I’ll—I’ll tell her, don’t worry.”

I gulped as Soonyoung ignored everything I was saying, his half-opened eyes focused on my hand against his exposed chest. His warm hand was pressing it against his heart and I didn’t have the power in me to pull away, not yet. So, I just gulped and unlocked Soonyoung’s phone before dialing a number. It rung five times before it was answered.

“You have three seconds before I hang up on you—”

“Jihoon!”

“Oh—oh, Y/N—” The man on the other end sounded surprised, “Hi!”

“Hey!” I greeted back, my fingers twitching as Soonyoung started playing with them.

“Is everything okay?” I could hear worry seep into Jihoon’s voice, “Why are you calling form Soonyoung’s phone?”

“He’s—very drunk…” I cleared my throat when Soonyoung intertwined his fingers with mine, “I would send him home but he can barely stand on his feet. And I know I just woke you up, which I’m sorry for by the way, so I’m not going to ask you to come and get him. I, however, want to ask you to do me a favor…”

“I mean, if I’m already awake…” Jihoon sighed and I smiled, eye connecting with Soonyoung’s as he looked up from our hands.

“Call his girlfriend and tell her he’s really drunk and had a blackout, please? She keeps calling him” There was silence on the other end before Jihoon groaned, I knew he just rolled his eyes.

“The fucking things I do for that idiot, I swear, and even you!” Jihoon was starting to get angry, and he had a good reason for it, “I get your situation, I really do! But if he’s going to act like that, I won’t cover for him every time—”

“Hey! It’s not like that!” I quickly cut Jihoon off, knowing where his thoughts were taking him, “He’s very drunk, I’m not lying!”

“Jihoon, I love you!” Soonyoung exclaimed loudly, as if to confirm my words, and I squeezed his hand, sending him a glare. My neighbors have kids who are sleeping at this hour!

“Fine, whatever, make sure he doesn’t drown or something—actually, no, let him die.” I chuckled as Jihoon grumbled a goodbye before hanging up on me.

“He loves me, deep down, I know it” Soonyoung sing-singed and gave a harsh tug to my arm, surprising me, as I fell over him. I went rigid as Soonyoung’s hands started roaming my back, tugging me closer into him, until I was straddling his hips, no space between our bodies. I clutched Soonyoung’s phone in my hand tightly, afraid to even breathe.

“I missed you,” He sighed into my neck, head falling on my shoulder, “So, so, so much, Y/N”

I gulped and bit my lip, unable to move yet as I tried to fight my own thoughts. I wanted to melt into him and just cradle him until the sun comes up and he sobers up, but the rational me, the logical me was screaming at me that this is very wrong, we both have someone we care about, Soonyoung more than I. And I won’t start contradicting myself, I refuse to sabotage myself, not this time. So, I gulped down the burning want to just stay like this with Soonyoung, and went to push myself off him. But even when he’s drunk, he has an impeccable force, especially when he’s clinging onto someone.

“You have to let go, Soo.” I spoke softly, knowing he doesn’t react well when he’s drunk and someone is demanding of him. He groaned and gripped onto me even tighter, making me gasp when he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my neck.

“Soonyoung, please.” I whispered, heart aching. I missed this so much, to be close to him. My time with Joshua was always amazing, he makes me forget about all the suffering I have to go through when I’m alone, and it’s amazing. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before, not even with Soonyoung, and I think my feelings for Joshua are slowly becoming more and more powerful. I don’t want to lose what I have with him, not when I know Soonyoung will never appreciate me or give me what I need. I braced myself this time and wiggled out of his grasp enough so that I could push his chest back against the sofa. His eyebrows furrowed and he gripped onto my waist as he tried to glare at me.

“You are not going away again.” He muttered, an angry expression crossing his face, and I shook my head. I tried to pry his hands off my waist but he suddenly sat up, our faces very close. So close, his lips were brushing against mine.

“Soonyoung, I can’t—”

“I love you.” The breath was knocked out of my lungs and I paused, eyes wide and heart racing. I searched Soonyoung’s gaze, one he returned feverishly, and I was taken aback by the passion he was showing. He never really shows his genuine feelings, it takes him long time and a lot of coercing for him to open up, even to me. He usually would do it after sex when we’d be laying in bed.

“I—”

“I love you, I really do, Y/N!” His lips started quivering and my own eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was saying those words to me. Not now, not when I already decided I was over him. Not when I realized I deserved better than him. He can’t offer me what I need, he never would, we just don’t match well. I don’t want to suffer while I’m with him, I’d rather do it alone, I’m already used to that. But I couldn’t help it, he finally said the thing I’ve been wishing to hear for the past year, he loves me.

“I love you too, Soonyoung.” I found myself whispering back and a tear escaped my eye without me realizing. Soonyoung wiped it away, eyes still hazy and mind intoxicated as he leaned his forehead against mine, exhaling deeply. His breath reeked of alcohol but I didn’t care as I closed my eyes and wallowed in the moment. A weight was lifted off my chest, I felt lighter. I wanted to laugh at the feeling, but the dull pain was still there, it didn’t let me actually do it. It was there because it didn’t matter if we loved each other. It was over for us, and Soonyoung won’t even remember this in the morning. He’s too intoxicated.

       After confessing to our feelings, I convinced Soonyoung to go to bed. I lay next to him and traced his face with my fingers delicately, knowing he liked to be caressed, especially when drunk, and that put him to sleep faster. Once I was sure he was asleep, I pulled the covers over him, he changed into a t-shirt he left over a while ago, and left my bedroom. I slept on the couch in the living room, TV on and some horror movie playing, to which I finally fell asleep to. The sun was up high by the time I was up and my heart picked up when I thought I was late to work, but realized I still had two hours. Mrs. Choi had to take care of something so we got to go in later today. As I stretched my hands over my head, back popping, a familiar scent entered my nostrils. I sat up quickly, head spinning a bit as I looked towards the kitchen, a sight I wasn’t expecting greeting me.

“Good morning!” Soonyoung called out cheerily when he saw that I was up, a content smile on his lips. My eyebrows furrowed as I threw the cover off my body and stood up, pulling a bit on my shorts, hoping it would cover up more of my thighs.

“What are you doing?” I asked confused, walking over and sitting at the counter. Soonyoung wore clean clothes, he didn’t reek of alcohol anymore, his hair was still wet from the shower he took. The ends of his black hair were already curling up and I smiled a little as I looked at them for longer, I really like his curly hair. He stopped styling it like this a long time ago, always straightening it, it reminded me of our high school days. He looked softer and warmer back then and even now.

“And good morning.” I added as Soonyoung turned around with a grin and glass in his hand, “What’s that?”

“A little morning treat.” He answered casually as he placed the glass in front of me, the scent of cocoa filling my nose. I laughed as I leaned down and inhaled the scent of the hot cocoa.

“Seriously?” Soonyoung nodded grinning and placed the breakfast in front of me, toast with butter and strawberry jam and omelet. I took the fork he handed me and dug into the food, groaning at the taste, “At least you didn’t burn it this time.”

“I’ve become a good cook over the past two weeks…while you were busy ignoring me…” I threw him a glare and he just shrugged as he picked up a toast with butter and strawberry jam and took a bite. I took a longer glance at him, admiring his beauty. Something in his demeanor changed. He looked relaxed and content, happier than usual.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I mumbled as I finished my breakfast and took a sip of my hot cocoa.

“Slept well on the couch?” A teasing grin was on his lips as he raised one eyebrow, knowing damn well how small the couch is and how one person can barely sleep on it.

“No, asshole.” I threw him a glare as I sipped on the hot cocoa.

“You could’ve just slept with me, there’s plenty of space in your bed…” I paused drinking and glanced at him; his eyes curious as he looked at me.

“Yeah, no, thanks,” I rolled my eyes and finished the hot cocoa, “You burp a lot in your sleep when you’re drunk, it’s disgusting.”

Soonyoung started laughing loudly and he gathered my glass and the plate and fork I used and placed it into my sink, putting away the food that we didn’t eat. I placed an arm on the counter and placed my chin in my palm as I watched him move around my kitchen while humming something to himself.

“Was sleeping on my bed so therapeutic or you’re just really that happy because I’m talking to you again?” I raised my eyebrows as Soonyoung shrugged teasingly, walking up to me but keeping a respectable distance. It made me happy to see him so content and happy, but I couldn’t fully brush away the lingering feelings he caused. The want and ache, they were still there. But I felt better about them, like telling him how I felt, lifted a curse. I was finally free, at least it felt like it. A new room was created for Joshua only in my heart and that made me happy.

“I just really missed you.” Soonyoung said seriously, placing an arm on the counter.

“I missed you too.” I confessed with a smile, which quickly fell when Soonyoung leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. My body instantly reacted to the familiar feeling, tilting my head up for him to have more access, but I caught myself just in time. I quickly pulled away and glared at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you doing!” I demanded angrily, placing a hand on his chest to push him back.

“What do you mean?” His happy demeanor quickly changed; his eyebrows were furrowed too now.

“You have a girlfriend, Soonyoung, if you want to cheat on her go find someone else to do it with!” I snapped and rose from the chair, pointing a finger at him angrily.

“But you love me.” I paused, finger hanging in the air as I bit my lower lip. So, what if he knows? I thought he really wouldn’t remember it, but I don’t care, he knows now and that’s it.

“So, what if I love you?” I scoffed and pushed the finger pointed at him against his chest, “You still have a girlfriend. If you would’ve told me earlier that you loved me, things could’ve turned out differently.”

“What do you mean?” He asked confused as I lowered my finger and ran a hand through my hair.

“I’m over you, or at least trying to be. It doesn’t matter if I love you or not, you are still just my best friend.” Soonyoung’s expression changed in an instant and I didn’t give him time to speak, “I like someone else, a lot. And I want things to work out between him and I, Soonyoung. He treats me right and he likes me as I am. I’m not going to throw away this new chance, like I did a few times before for you. For something you can’t offer me.”

“I can’t offer you what, Y/N?!” He snapped angrily, taking a hold of my jaw, “I know you better than anyone else. I know everything about you, Y/N! What else do you need? I always gave you what you wanted and I was always there for you. You meet this new guy and you’re head over heels for him after a day—”

“Shut up, okay!” I snapped and gripped his wrist, “You don’t know Joshua and you wouldn’t understand! Ever since we reconciled everything has been about you, God damn it! It’s always you, you and you, never me! I’m done feeling like shit because of you! I deserve more and not just someone who uses me for my body!”

“I don’t use you for your body!” Soonyoung screamed back, letting go of my jaw to clench his palm into a tight fist, “I fucking love you! What more do you need?!”

“I never felt loved by you, Soonyoung. Saying it to me isn’t enough, you need to make me feel it!”

“All the times I fucked you gentle, cuddled with you and stayed up to talk about bullshit wasn’t good enough?” I huffed and rolled my eyes as I walked away from him.

“Yeah, it wasn’t enough. If that’s your definition of love, please, go do that with your girlfriend.” I shrugged and Soonyoung’s jaw clenched.

“I don’t—” The doorbell rang and we both turned towards it. I gulped and my eyebrows furrowed. I wasn’t expecting anyone, is it Jihoon? He wouldn’t come by, he’s at work at this hour. Maybe Yerim? She comes over sometimes, but never unannounced. Maybe—Joshua? No…it can’t be…I did give him my address because he’s picking me up tomorrow for our date but he wouldn’t come today as a surprise, right?

“Go get your things,” I snapped at Soonyoung quietly as I walked towards the front door, “I don’t care who it is, you’re leaving!”

“I’m not fucking going anywhere!” He snapped back and I turned around abruptly, face turning red from the anger.

“Don’t try me, Soonyoung.” I hissed and he rolled his eyes, my palm itched to slap him across the face, but I took a deep breath instead and unlocked the front door. I swung it open and my jaw fell. A huge bucket of red roses covered the face and mostly the upper body of the person standing behind it, but I knew who it was.

“Surprise!” His melodic voice echoed a bit in the hallway and my heart started beating fast. Oh no, what will he think when he sees Soonyoung over? He probably won’t know he slept over, right? What if he gets the wrong idea? I can’t lose Joshua right now.

“Jo—Joshua!” I gasped and took the bucket of roses from him, beaconing him inside, “These are—gorgeous!”

Joshua was grinning, his cheeks a light red, as he leaned down at pecked my lips. My heart started beating faster, knowing well he still hasn’t noticed Soonyoung standing behind me.

“I’m glad you like it, I didn’t want to come over unannounced but—” He scratched the back of his neck as he looked down shyly, “I couldn’t help it.”

“What if I wasn’t home?” I chuckled and hugged the roses to my chest.

“I would’ve delivered the roses to your office!” He grinned and I chuckled, cheeks flushing, “But your car was in the driveway, so—”

A throat was cleared behind me and my happy demeanor quickly faded. Shit. Soonyoung will ruin everything.

“Hello there,” Joshua greeted politely once Soonyoung walked up beside me, “You must be…Soonyoung, was it?”

I gulped when Soonyoung slug an arm around my shoulders, a stoic expression on his face as he looked down at the roses. Then suddenly, as if having such a quick change of demeanor was a normal thing, he smiled from ear to ear.

“You are Joshua!” He exclaimed and extended a hand to shake, “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“Y/N told me a little bit about you too!” Joshua returned the smile and shook Soonyoung’s hand firmly, turning to smile at me. I returned a fake smile and went to the kitchen to get a vase.

“Y/N!” Soonyoung called out, making the hairs stand on my arms. I knew that tone, the teasing tone, when he was about to fuck up something, “I left the final sketch in your bedroom, you should make the order if we want the reception to happen.”

I turned around and gulped, waiting for Joshua to react badly, but he was just glancing around my apartment solemnly, “Yeah, uh—I’ll do that.”

I watched as a smirk crossed his lips and he turned his head and took in Joshua’s body before looking back at me, Joshua oblivious to us as he walked over to a photo frame placed on my bookshelf.

“So classy.” Soonyoung mouthed as I filled the vase with water, working quickly to make Soonyoung go away before he fucks up.

“Soonyoung, you told me your girlfriend asked you to do some grocery shopping on the way home,” I said with a smile as I placed the vase with the roses on the center of the counter and walked towards my friend, “You should go now or else you’ll be late to work, again.”

Soonyoung laughed and grabbed a small bag from the floor, his clothes from the other night inside, “Jihoon is cooking dinner tomorrow, we’ll be waiting for you to join us.”

Liar, Jihoon is working the night shift tomorrow. I sent him a glare but Joshua started walking towards up so I evened out my expression, Joshua coming to a stop next to me.

“Actually,” He spoke up, surprising me, as he placed an arm around my waist, “If you don’t mind, I’ll be stealing your bestie tomorrow night…”

The way Soonyoung’s jaw clenched left a weird satisfaction in me, knowing well ‘bestie’ ticked him off, especially after what went down yesterday and today. Joshua was smiling politely at Soonyoung, but there was a glint in his eyes I didn’t quite understand yet.

“We have a date.” Joshua finally finished his sentence and Soonyoung nodded aggressively.

“Yeah, sure, dude! No problem!” He shrugged and offered me a fake smile, “Have fun tomorrow, but not too much!”

And with a wink he was out of my door, leaving me with Joshua alone. I sighed quietly and leaned into his side, forgetting for a second he didn’t know about anything that went down.

“You good?” He whispered and I turned my head to look up at him with a tired smile.

“I just didn’t get much sleep.” I said with a shrug and he smiled, ruffling my hair a bit.

“I’ll drive you to work today, get ready.” He pulled away from the little embrace and stepped back, “Had breakfast already?”

“Yeah…Soonyoung brought some food…” I lied and Joshua nodded before pointing towards my bathroom.

“You smell like alcohol.” He said with an apologetic smile and I blushed, pulling my hair in a ponytail.

“Sorry, I had too much wine last night…” I lied, again, feeling guiltier and guiltier.

“Don’t worry,” Joshua smiled, winking at me, “We are taking your car to work.”

“Again?” I laughed and Joshua nodded with a sneaky smirk, “I’m starting to think you don’t have a car, Joshua…”

“Uh, about that…” His lips formed a thin line, making me laugh, “It’s in the car service, but it’ll be ready by tomorrow!”

“You’re serious?” I walked towards my bathroom.

“Dead serious!” Joshua called out, making me laugh again as I closed the door. At least he knows how to go around getting free rides.

        Before Joshua dropped me off at work, we went to the coffee shop we had our date at and I bought a cup of coffee for everyone from work, even for Soonyoung. I do this from time to time, I haven’t done it in two weeks so I considered the timing was good. And everyone came in late today, a little coffee wouldn’t hurt anyone right now. Joshua helped me carry up the trays of cups of coffee and with a kiss he was gone, leaving me smiling and blushing in front of the entrance. Taking a deep breath to gather myself a bit, I pushed the door open and greeted everyone with a wide smile.

“I bought coffee for everyone!” I called out loudly and my colleagues called out in appreciation, forming a line to get their coffee.

“Thank you!” Yerim exclaimed loudly as she helped me hold the two trays, “I really fucking needed it.”

“As if we didn’t come to work later than usual.” I threw her an amused smile as Wendy, another co-worker, took her coffee with a wide smile and a ‘thank you’.

“Exactly!” Yerim’s eye widened, a very ‘duh’ expression covering her face, “You think I went to bed early? No, fucking, way! I was out partying last night!”

“Explains why you look like a zombie…” I muttered quietly, thinking Yerim wouldn’t hear me as Baekhyun’s, a very annoying but sweet co-worker, laughter flooded our ears. But Yerim heard me and she threw me a glare.

“I’m always fabulous, even when I look like a zombie.”

“True.” Baekhyun said with a shrug before strolling back to his desk, making Yerim throw her long blonde hair back. I chuckled and shook my head, grabbing the next cup and handing it to Chan before he could reach for it.

“Thank you!” He beamed at me, eyes lighting up, “I didn’t get my doze of caffeine yet today.”

“Slept in?” I asked with a smile and Chan nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Cute.” Yerim muttered while biting her lip, making Chan and I look at her, “What?”

“Uh—nothing!” Chan exclaimed embarrassed, about to walk away, but I held onto his arm.

“Hey, uhm…can I ask you something?” I asked quietly, smiling apologetically at Chan as he nodded, “You know about the reception happening in two weeks…if I send you the details, can you find me a place?”

“Aren’t you working with Soonyoung though?” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed as Yerim gave me a look, handing Hana a cup of coffee.

“I mean…something came up and he’s busy with other things…uh—so, can you help me out?” I offered him a small smile, in hopes he would say yes, and Chan seemed to be thinking for a moment.

“I mean, I can help you, of course! But I have a lot of work to do and I might be able to do by the end of the week only…and I know you need it, like, today…” I sighed as Chan grimaced, avoiding my eyes. It’s not his fault though, I understand him.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I should have asked you sooner!” I tried to cheer him up and reassure him, and he nodded with his lips in a tight line.

“So…can you wait until the end of the week—”

“Last time I checked; I was the one working with you.” Soonyoung’s raspy voice interrupted Chan, coming from behind me. I tensed up as Yerim and Chan were now looking at us questioningly. I took mentally a deep breath and then turned around, three more cups of coffee remaining on my tray.

“Maybe your girlfriend forgot to brew you some coffee this morning, Soonyoung.” I joked with a sarcastic tone and Soonyoung just chuckled, eyes narrowing as he grabbed a cup of coffee from the tray.

“Yeah, she was busy doing other things.” He smirked before taking a large gulp of the coffee, keeping eye contact with me. In my peripheral vision, I saw Yerim’s eyebrows raising as she looked between us. Chan cleared his throat and I glanced back at him.

“So, then…I guess you’ll be working with Soonyoung again…”

“Actually, no—”

“Yes, Chan.” Soonyoung cut me off, a charming smile on his lips, “I got a tight schedule and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but it’s all solved now.”

“Oh, great!” Chan exclaimed with a big smile, “I’m really busy this week…”

“Sorry for the confusion, Chan.” I apologized, throwing Soonyoung a subtle glare, knowing well Yerim was watching us like hawks.

“Don’t worry,” He offered us one more smile, “I’ll be off to work then.”

Yerim smiled flirty at Chan before he could walk away, flustering the younger boy once again. She turned to look at me with an amused giggle and I shook my head, ignoring Soonyoung’s eyes boring into the side of my head.

“He’s so cute,” Yerim mused quietly, eyebrows raising, “Who was that handsome guy you came with today, Y/N?”

I looked at Yerim with a warning look, not wanting to discuss anything about Joshua with Soonyoung there, today’s morning being enough for me. But Yerim ignored my warning and silent plea, like she usually does, and raised her eyebrows even higher.

“Oh, Joshua drove you here?!” Soonyoung exclaimed next to me, face lighting up suddenly. I turned to look at him, eyebrows furrowed, but he ignored me as he looked at Yerim, “He’s a real gentleman, so classy…”

“Yeah, exactly.” I snapped, glaring at him again, “He’s kind and gentle, unlike you—someone.”

Yerim’s eyes narrowed at us as she took a sip of her coffee, looking at us with suspicion, “Okay, besties, I’ve got some work to do as well…”

“We are not besties—” Soonyoung growled as Yerim walked away, not caring to listen if we had anything else to say. I scoffed and chuckled quietly, enjoying how triggered Soonyoung looked. He always hated us being called besties, but ever since the whole friends with benefits thing happened, he really detested it. He even threatened Jihoon once when he dared to call us that.

“Why did you ask Chan to do my work, Y/N?” Soonyoung’s glare was directed at me, voice low as we were still in the front lobby, everyone could hear and see us.

“Because if I remember correctly, I gave you a deadline that you didn’t respect!” I snapped back, stepping closer to make sure the others couldn’t see our faces that well. We didn’t need them to know about how much our friendship was going to shit. I think it became obvious that there was something wrong the second I stopped interacting with Soonyoung so much, or when he slammed the door to my office so hard, I thought he’d break the whole wall.

“You are not the boss here, and I told you that wasn’t enough time for me to find something!” Soonyoung spoke quickly, nostrils flaring as his jaw clenched. His grip on the cup of coffee was tightening and he was probably close to snapping it in half, so I gripped his wrist, hating the butterflies that erupted in my stomach and how the back of my neck felt hot.

“Maybe if last night you didn’t get shitfaced and actually did some work, I wouldn’t have asked for Chan’s help.” I snapped, but my eyes softened, trying to calm him down. He was a calm man, but when you ticked him off, he left only destruction in his wake. And we didn’t need that happening at the office, especially in the front lobby.

“I will do it by tonight.” Soonyoung’s voice softened and suddenly the wrist I was holding twisted, gripping my palm into his. I gulped and looked down at our hands, shaking my head.

“Please, do it.” I muttered, hating the way my eyes fell on his lips when he licked them. Soonyoung saw it too and a grunt left his lips before he was stepping back, running a hand through his, now straight, black hair.

“You always make such a scene out of everything.” He said with a shake of his head, taking another sip of his coffee.

“I do not!” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, placing down the tray on the little table by the entrance, “And you are a dickhead, Soonyoung.”

“I know…” His voice was small and I looked back at him, a dark look crossing over his features. I sighed and turned around, mouth open to tell him to get to work, when a lady spoke up.

“You two should be working.” Mrs. Choi’s eyebrows were raised, lips in a playful pout, and Soonyoung smiled.

“Mrs. Choi! Fancy seeing you this beautiful morning, not more beautiful than you, of course.” Soonyoung made a spectacle as he took Mrs. Choi’s hand and placed a soft kiss on it, waltzing away with a wink directed at me. I sighed and handed Mrs. Choi the last cup of coffee.

“Good morning, I bought some coffee for everyone today.” I said quietly, avoiding eye contact with the older lady.

“Thank you, my dear,” She smiled as she took the cup, gripping it with both hands, “Is everything alright? I haven’t seen your plans about the upcoming reception and Soonyoung said you kept postponing the meeting for the past two weeks.”

I gulped and bit my lower lip, feeling embarrassed and guilty, “I did, yes, and I apologize for stalling. It’s just…I went through something and…I will solve this issue, I promise! I trust that Soonyoung will find the right location by tonight and then I can put everything into action.”

“I’m not worried about you making this work, you’ve worked in worse conditions before, my dear. I just don’t like seeing you sad and always grumpy, especially if it’s caused by a man.” I looked up at Mrs. Choi surprised, finding her smiling at me gently.

“Uh, right—I, uh, have a question!” I tried to divert the subject, knowing well the old lady had eyes and ears everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew about everyone’s private life from the office, “This Saturday…can I bring a plus one? To the barbeque?”

“Of course!” Mrs. Choi exclaimed with a laugh, “The more, the merrier! We can split the bill even better!”

“I thought you were paying…” I muttered with a cheeky smile and Mrs. Choi laughed, shaking her head.

“Don’t disappoint me this time with your choice in men,��� She said with a wink, sipping from her coffee, “Soonyoung wasn’t made for you, my dear.”

My jaw fell open as I gaped at Mrs. Choi, trying to come up quickly with something to deny her affirmation but by the time I thought of something, she walked away, leaving me alone and gaping. I cleared my throat and closed my mouth when Baekhyun looked up from his desk, eyebrows raised and mouth in an amused grin, looking at me questioningly. I shooed him off with a flick of my wrist and quickly fished my phone out of my purse as I took of towards my office. I dialed Joshua’s number and prayed he was available, on the fifth rang he picked up.

“Missed me already?” Came his teasing through the phone. I scoffed as I took a sip of my coffee quickly.

“You wish, do you have time to talk?” I asked, opening the door of my office.

“If you make it quick, yes.”

“You know, how I’m busy this Saturday…” Joshua hummed and I continued talking with a smile on my face, “Are you busy this Saturday?”

“Uhm…not really, no.” Came his confused answer, no doubt he was frowning now.

“Well, then I just made you busy!” I exclaimed, laughing alone as Joshua remained silent and even more confused on the other end.

“Uhm, care to explain, hon?” My cheeks became hot at the use of his nickname for me and I giggled quietly.

“I’m going to a barbeque with my colleagues, and you are invited too now!”

“Really?!” Joshua asked excitedly and I laughed.

“Really!”

“Okay, cool! We’ll talk later then, but if you need confirmation, I am coming!”

“Of course, you are! But it doesn’t count as our third date!” I spoke quickly, knowing he had to hang up.

“Of course not, hon, talk to you later!”

“See you, Shua!” I hang up with a big smile, taking a seat in my chair, melting away into it. Ah, the things Joshua makes me feel!

        Saturday rolled around quickly, our little cycling date on Wednesday went even better than we were expecting it. This time it was Joshua who drove us around, his car finally out of the service, and I even attempted to pull the same joke he usually did, and drive him home in his own car but, of course, he didn’t let me. He wanted to make sure I got home safely as night has fallen by the time, we finished eating at a local noodle restaurant. On Saturday, we agreed that I would come by his place first and then we’d drive together to the barbeque restaurant, as he lived closer to the place and we wanted to save some fuel. I chose to wear a black turtleneck and a denim dress over it, with black tights and knee-high boots, a thick denim jacket shielding me from the evening breeze. My black purse matched my turtleneck and I painted my lips red, applied some mascara and a little bit of blush to my cheeks. I brushed my hair and let the waves fall freely over my shoulders, clipping the front strands behind my ears. It was the first time Joshua would see me truly dressed up, not that I put much effort into my looks. Last date we went cycling, so I couldn’t wear anything fancy, and on our first date we both wore working attire. And well…the night we met, I was almost wearing my pajamas, so it doesn’t count. I was curious of Joshua’s everyday style, wondering if he dressed as fancy as he acted. He was a gentleman after all. I gave him a text when I reached his apartment complex and he was downstairs in three minutes. A big smile on his lips, eyes running over my body, as he jogged up to me. I giggled when he reached me and I threw my arms around, snuggling my chin into his shoulder, making sure I didn’t smudge my lipstick nor dirty his cream-colored coat. He wore dark grey dress pants that reached his ankles and I could make out a soft green turtleneck peeking out from underneath his coat. His light brown hair wasn’t as messy as usual and it had a nice middle part.

“Wow, Joshua!” I mused as I made him twirl around, “You look so fancy!”

“And you look breathtaking.” He said, his voice a bit deeper than usual, taking me by surprise. My cheeks heated up and I pouted as he leaned in.

“My lipstick—!” But Joshua didn’t care as he pressed his lips against mine softly, barely even touching them together.

“You can redo it later, let me give you a kiss!” He murmured against my lips and I grinned, pulling back.

“Maybe when we come back from the barbeque.” Joshua’s eyebrows furrowed and I giggled as I took the car key from his hand.

“Maybe?” He asked wondering, shaking his head a bit, “I don’t think that will work.”

“No?” I raised my eyebrows as I took off towards the parking lot.

“No,” He shook his head firmly, walking after me, “I will need my kiss, right now, and later too.”

I laughed and got into the driver’s seat before he could, claiming it as Joshua shook his head outside the car.

“I was supposed to drive tonight.”

“On the way back!” I grinned and he sighed before getting in, putting on his seatbelt.

“So…where is my kiss?” He asked, lips jutted out, as he turned towards me. I scoffed and leaned over the middle to give him a firm peck. He hummed contently, closing his eyes as I turned back around, turning the engine on.

The ride to the barbeque place was quick and filled with Joshua telling one of his stories about pranking Jeonghan, once again. These two were little devils and wrecked-havoc everywhere they went. On our cycling date Jeonghan actually turned up and tagged along for half an hour, even though Joshua made it clear that he should just leave us alone, but with a sneaky wink towards me, Jeonghan rode his bike along with ours. The man was nice and pleasant to hang out with, so I didn’t mind him tagging along. At least I got insight on Joshua through one of his friends. And I was pleased with the person he seemed to be. Truly, Joshua was a fresh breath of air to me. I don’t know what I did to find him, but I was sure that I’m not letting go of him.

“Are you sure about this?” Joshua spoke up as I parked the car, struggling a bit, his car being bigger than mine.

“Sure, about what?” I asked absentmindedly as I focused on not hitting the two cars I was parking in between.

“Me coming with you, I mean…we only went on two dates. You’ve known me for a week only, don’t you think…we are taking it too fast?” I paused, hitting the brake a bit harsher, sending us forward.

“Do you think we are taking it too fast?” I asked quietly, a bit afraid of his answer. Because I don’t think we are, the most we did was little pecks here and there. I felt alright presenting him to my co-workers and few friends, even if it’s been a week. I’ve never been so certain about someone before.

“I, personally, don’t think so. I just—want to make sure you don’t feel pressured or—”

“Joshua!” I turned toward him wide eyed, “If I didn’t want you to be here with me right now, you wouldn’t be, trust me. Two dates and a week of knowing each other, I—I don’t actually know, this feeling is really new to me. But I want it, I’m certain about it…about us?”

A smile spread on Joshua’s lips slowly and he placed a hand on mine, giving it a squeeze, “Okay, because I really fucking like you a lot.”

I started laughing, being the first time Joshua has sworn in front of me, and squeezed his hand back, “You should park the car now, I think we are making a line behind us…”

“Shit…” I muttered, quickly parking the car, making sure I didn’t hit the others, as Joshua just chuckled. Once we got out Joshua intertwined his fingers with mine and my cheeks turned a little red as I giggled, like a crazy girl, squeezing his hand playfully. He chuckled and glanced at me while leading the way inside. My heart was thumping in my chest as we neared the long table full of my co-workers, and few friends, unsure of their reactions. Only Mrs. Choi knew of my arrival with Joshua, and I truly feared how Soonyoung would react. For sure he would find some way to ruin it, I know him too well.

The chatter from their table was loud but when we arrived next to Mrs. Choi, everyone fell silent. I cleared my throat as Joshua gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Hi, everyone!” I greeted, voice a bit higher than usual, “Uh, this is—my boyfriend, Joshua.”

Cheers and greetings broke out from the table, Baekhyun already tipsy as he rose from his seat with a shot in his hand and cheered the loudest, meanwhile I felt two eyes boring into my face. One was coming from the man holding my hand and the other one from the man sitting at the head of the table, across from Mrs. Choi. I turned towards Joshua, a nervous smile on my lips, knowing well calling him my boyfriend took him off guard. I hope I didn’t screw up things, but as Joshua continued to remain silent my heart started hammering in fear. Did I say the wrong thing? But how was I supposed to introduce him? Especially when we arrived together and even holding hands. Before I could think about it even more, a huge grin appeared on Joshua’s face and he started quietly cooing as he pulled my head into his chest. I quickly sucked my lips in, making sure I didn’t dirty his cream-colored coat with my red lipstick, feeling embarrassed as Baekhyun whistled loudly.

“Come sit, love birds!” Yerim’s loud, shrill, voice called out for us. She was sitting close to Soonyoung, two seats empty on her right. The one who would sit at the end of the table would be basically next to Soonyoung. Before we could walk to Yerim, however, Mrs. Choi was on her feet, a warm smile on her lips.

“Good evening, welcome!” She greeted us and patted my cheek once Joshua freed me from his hold, “I see my dear Y/N decided to bring someone along. Who are you, young man?”

“Hong Joshua, Mrs. …”

“Choi Seunghee.” My boss introduced herself and Joshua bowed politely.

“Mrs. Choi, nice to meet you!”

“You too, Mr. Hong—” Mrs. Choi’s eyes landed on me and she winked, “Lovely choice, my dear.”

My cheeks flushed and I groaned quietly as Joshua chuckled and nodded once, before pulling me towards Yerim, who was waving us over aggressively.

“Thank, fucking, God!” She exclaimed once we were by her side, “My arm was about to fall off!”

“Well why were you continuously waving?” I asked laughing as Joshua helped me take my jacket off, “It’s not like we can sit anywhere else…”

“I’m just being a good friend, don’t lecture me about it.” Yerim said with a pout as I threw her a playful glare, holding my jacket so that Joshua could take his own coat off.

“Yeah, whatever,” Yerim rolled her eyes, eyeing Joshua as he went to take our jackets to the hanger, “Damn, classy but sexy as fuck.”

“Yerim!” I hissed, eyes widening as Joshua walked back, a warm smile on his face.

“I’m Kim Yerim!” She introduced herself, standing up and extending her hand. She was wearing a dark green dress, body fitting, for once reached bellowed her knees and had a turtleneck. I see everyone went for a turtleneck tonight.

“Hong Joshua, nice to meet you.” Joshua shook her hand delicately, smiling when Yerim grinned at me.

“A foreigner too!” She winked at me, eyes running over Joshua again, “Nice catch, bitch.”

My mouth fell open as Joshua started laughing loudly, covering it with his hand once he realized he was really loud. I threw him a glare before I pulled on Yerim’s straightened hair, earning a hiss from her.

“Watch your language, Kim Yerim!” I snapped, feeling embarrassed, as I took a quick seat beside her. I forgot about Soonyoung’s existence, but it didn’t last for long, when I heard Joshua greeting him.

“Good to see you made it.” He spoke monotonously, lips in a tight line. He wasn’t even trying to hide his displeasure and I threw him a warning glare.

“Good evening, Soonyoung.” I greeted him; expression neutral as he bowed before downing his shot in one go.

“Want to drink?” He raised his glass of Soju to Joshua.

“Not tonight, I’m the designated driver,” He said with an apologetic smile, “Next time.”

“Next time.” That made Soonyoung smirk as he sent me a wink, downing another shot. I sighed quietly, opening the can of soda in front of me, eyes accidentally catching Baekhyun’s.

“Eyo, I thought you ditched us!” He said loudly, smile lopsided.

“And miss seeing you drunk?” I laughed, taking a sip of the soda, “Never, Baekhyun, never.”

Baekhyun giggled and raised his glass of Soju in salute before taking a big gulp.

“So, Joshua!” Yerim exclaimed, making me go deaf for a few seconds, “What do you do? How do you earn money? How did you charm Y/N? What are your hobbies? Tell me everything!”

“Take it easy, Yerim,” I said with a snort, hand finding Joshua’s underneath the table, “I forgot to tell him how energetic and tiring you can be.”

“Ah, I know someone just like her…” Joshua mused, eyes glinting with mischief and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Jeonghan.” We chorused at the same time, making Yerim raise her eyebrows and Soonyoung frown at us.

“Hmm, his name doesn’t sound bad. Is he handsome?” Yerim asked, lips forming a pout.

“Yah, Kim Yerim!” Came Chan’s loud exclamation, he was sitting next to Wendy, two seats away from Baekhyun who was across from me, “You’re trying to find yourself a new man?!”

“Yes, do you have a problem with that?!” Yerim snapped back, eyebrows raising in a challenging way.

“Yes, I do!” Chan snapped back, lips jutting out as he stared back at Yerim.

“Then stop being a pussy and ask me out!” Yerim’s statement made the table go silent, and she blushed. Kim Yerim was actually blushing! I started laughing loudly and soon the others followed, well except for Yerim and Chan; and Soonyoung; who were staring at each other intently.

“Ah, to be young and in love…” Mrs. Choi mused from the head of the table, making Yerim glare at her.

“Who’s in love? I’m not!” She was quick to defend herself, throwing Chan a subtle glance. But Chan was focused on glaring at his bottle of Soju, ears red. I giggled to myself and Joshua squeezed my hand underneath the table, making me look at him. He grinned down at me and I blushed, scrunching my nose at him.

“Those two definitely are.” Wendy said with a sweet smile, nodded her towards us, making me blush further. I groaned as Joshua, once again, pulled my head against his chest, and rested his chin on top of my head.

“Yeah, we might be…” He sing-songed, making me pinch his hip just a bit, “Oh, come on, don’t be shy now.”

“Shut up.” I snapped and pulled away with a small glare, my eyes catching Soonyoung’s in the process. His jaw was clenched and he glared at me, downing another shot of his Soju. I couldn’t help but worry, watching as he did that three more times, finishing his first bottle of the night.

“Soonyoung…” I called out, Joshua was playing absentmindedly with my fingers as he conversed with Baekhyun, “Take it easy…”

Soonyoung’s head snapped up and he looked into my eyes, licking his lips, “What do you care?”

I rolled my eyes and glanced at Joshua to see if he was paying attention to us, but he wasn’t, so I lowered my voice knowing Soonyoung will hear me, “I do, okay? You are my best friend!”

“Yeah…” He chuckled bitterly as he opened up another bottle of Soju, “Best friend.”

“I mean it.” I snapped, eyes glaring at him as he just shrugged.

“Thanks for worrying about me, bestie,” He faked a grin and gulped half of the Soju down, “But I can handle myself.”

“I won’t be driving you home if you get shitfaced.” I warned him, becoming aware of Joshua glancing at me more often.

“Don’t worry, my girlfriend will make sure to pick me up this time.” I scoffed and gulped down the remark I had for him, instead looked up at Joshua to see him frowning at us. I have to tell him after tonight what’s been happening between Soonyoung and I. He deserves to know. Maybe he can help me out even with some advice, I don’t even know anymore.

“Are you okay, hon?” He asked quietly, eyebrows furrowed as he searched my face.

“Of course!” I offered him a small smile, then nudged Yerim, “Wanna hear the answers you were so eager for?”

“Fuck yeah!” Yerim slammed her Soju bottle down, spilling a bit on the table, as she leaned closer in, captivated once Joshua started talking. That’s how I felt every time I was with Joshua, utterly captivated. Like it was just us, no one and nothing else in the world. It was new and weird. It was something I enjoyed and craved, it felt amazing.

Somewhere halfway through, Yerim and I excused ourselves to the restroom, Yerim complaining about having to pee after she drank three bottles of Soju. The food was almost done by that time, everyone having eaten well and now we were just drinking the rest of the drinks and sharing stories. Mrs. Choi said she didn’t want to stay until very late, her son having to pick her up and he had classes tomorrow, so we decided to stay until midnight instead of late night, like usually we do. Yerim and I took quite a while, her having to make sure her whole makeup looked presentable, rambling about how she was going home with Chan tonight even if she had to force him. Something I’m sure she won’t have to do; Chan’s been eyeing her all night after she told him to ask her out. It was quite obvious Chan had a crush on Yerim, everyone knew, but no one expected Yerim to reciprocate the feelings. She was always after Soonyoung, barely batting an eyelash at Chan. And it’s not like the others know Soonyoung has a girlfriend, he hasn’t told anyone besides me and Jihoon. When we made it back to our table, Joshua had a neutral expression and Soonyoung was smirking as he leaned back in his chair, an accomplished look crossing his face. I gulped as I took my seat and tapped Joshua’s thigh, asking if he was feeling alright. Deep down, I knew Soonyoung told him something and that’s why his demeanor changed, but I hoped I was wrong and Joshua was just tired and Soonyoung just said one of his lame jokes to which Joshua had a good reaction. But when Soonyoung raised his fifth bottle of Soju, already drunk, and called loudly ‘cheers’ while never breaking eye contact with me, I knew he said something to Joshua. Something I didn’t want him to know, at least, not yet. Joshua, however, was quick to reassure me and say that he was tired and wanted to head home earlier if it wasn’t a problem for me. And it wasn’t, we quickly took on our coat and jacket, wished the others a good night and left the barbeque restaurant. My heart was hammering, cheeks a bit red from one bottle of Soju, and I was surprised when Joshua’s fingers intertwined with mine as we walked towards his car. No one said nothing, Joshua seemed deep in thought meanwhile I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what happened that ruined his mood so quickly. He opened the door for me once we reached his car, and I thanked him quietly as I sat inside. Joshua was quickly inside the car as well, starting the engine to generate warmth. We put our seatbelts on and Joshua turned the radio down for quiet background noise as he started driving. I gulped and bit my lower lip, trying to find a way to ask him if Soonyoung said anything to him, without spoiling much.

“Are you okay?” I decided on asking, placing one hand gently on his thigh. He tensed up and I felt a pang in my heart as I quickly retracted my arm, clearing my throat. However, he quickly gripped my wrist and held it for a second.

“I’m not mad at you, please relax.” He spoke up calmly, thumb rubbing over the skin of my wrist. I let out a shaky breath, now knowing certainly that Soonyoung told him something he wasn’t supposed to.

“What—” I took a shaky breath, “What did Soonyoung tell you?”

Joshua was quiet for a second as he took a left turn, not rushing as he drove below the speed limit, “Enough to piss me off, honestly, but not enough to push me away from you.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sighed out, looking down at my lap, “You deserve to know, but we’ve barely been on our second date and I—I didn’t want to tell you anything yet, I just didn’t think it was the right timing, you know? What was I even supposed to tell you? That I—”

“The reason why it pissed me off, is because it wasn’t his call to make. You were supposed to tell me once you felt ready and not Soonyoung to spite me,” Joshua took a deep breath and threw me a quick glance, “I don’t give a shit that you two were friends with benefits, Y/N, calm down, okay?”

I took a shaky breath and bit my lower lip, “Joshua, I’m—in love with Soonyoung.”

The silence was deadly and my heart was hammering in my chest, but Joshua’s thumb never stopped caressing the skin of my wrist, not even after I said those words.

“But I like you, very, very much. And I want to be with you, not Soonyoung. It took me so long to realize he’s not good for me, that he could never offer me what I need. Soonyoung is—not a good person. He was a good friend, and still is sometimes, but when it comes to relationships, he—doesn’t know what those mean. I don’t want to be with him, yes, I still love him but God! I’m doing everything I can to get over him and…it’s working. It’s hard and it takes time, but it’s working, Joshua. I’m slowly, but surely, falling for you. Even if it’s too early to say that, I feel it. You are so amazing, I never even dared to dream of someone like you! You respect me and bring out the best in me, make me laugh until my stomach hurts and make me feel things I never even knew I could feel. You are special, Joshua.”

I wasn’t even sure Joshua was paying attention to my rant, but by the time I finished, we arrived in front of my apartment complex. My heart was beating fast and I was scared to look at Joshua as he stopped the car, head turning towards me. If I were him, I knew I’d be furious and feeling like I got fucked over. That’s what scares me, what if he leaves me right now? How do I get over that? Losing two men I care about is too harsh.

“I know falling out of love can be a hard process, but I sure as hell haven’t seen someone before trying so hard to do it,” He chuckled and my eyebrows became relaxed a bit, “I understand you and I respect you. Thank you for telling me, even if I had to find out this way, I think you would’ve still told me. I have to be honest; I’m not pleased to know you love other man, but who would be? But I see how you act around me, and I don’t know how you used to act around Soonyoung, but I know that you simply radiate when you are with me. And you make me feel warm and full, always tugging at my heartstrings without even doing anything. I choose to trust you, Y/N. Prove me right, please.”

The sudden relieved laugh that left my lips was loud in the car and it brought a smile on Joshua’s lips, I felt like I could breathe again. My heart slowly returned to its natural rhythm as Joshua and I stared into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you, for trusting me.” I whispered and closed my eyes when he pressed his forehead against mine.

“Thank you, for making room for me in your heart.” A wide smile spread on my lips and I pressed my lips against Joshua’s softly, his cherry-colored lips pushing back just as gently. There was nothing hungry behind the kiss, only genuine feelings being poured into it, as our lips moved slowly. I wanted this moment to last forever, I wanted to ask Joshua to come up with me, but it was too soon. We decided in taking things slowly, if I called him up right now, that would change a lot. And we are not there yet, I’m not ready for that yet.

“So…” Joshua’s lips pulled up into a mischievous smirk once we pulled back from the kiss, “I’m your boyfriend, huh?”

I chuckled and shrugged, “Guess you are.”

“Good.” He breathed out and I leaned in to press another soft kiss against his lips before I went upstairs.

“Good night!” He called out as he rolled his window down, sending me a flying kiss. I caught it and pretended to press it where my heart was, putting it away and keeping it in a safe place.

“Good night!” I called back and quickly rushed inside the building, racing up the stairs to my apartment. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to be in the stairway late at night. Once inside my apartment, I closed and locked the front door, leaning over it. I was feeling ecstatic from that kiss and the word exchanges Joshua and I had, but then suddenly rage over took me. And I knew how I would spend my early morning tomorrow.

       It was early in the morning when I got up, the rage I felt towards Soonyoung didn’t let me rest much. Even as I cooked myself some breakfast, I found myself throwing everything around loudly and then feeling sorry for my neighbors, it was an early Sunday morning after all. After eating my breakfast, I took a shower in hopes that it would ease my tense muscles and angry thoughts, but it just fueled all the mean things I had to say to Soonyoung. After all, we all know in the shower come the mightiest ideas and arguments. After getting dressed, I took the car keys and off I was to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment. Due to it being early, and a Saturday, traffic was almost none and I made it to their apartment in 10 minutes, a ride that on a normal day would take twenty minutes. I glanced at the clock and decided to go upstairs, knowing well hungover Soonyoung always got up at 6 am to nurse his headache, cook himself breakfast, and then go on a run to clear up his head. Besides, I wasn’t just here to put him in his place, I was here to hand him back their apartment key and ask for mine back. So, without second thoughts, once I reached their front door, I unlocked the door and barged inside. The apartment was quiet, Jihoon was still asleep as he had the nightshift last night, probably made it back home two or three hours ago so I was already feeling bad for waking him probably once Soonyoung and I start arguing. I heard some muffled noises coming from Soonyoung’s room, so I knew he was up. Taking a deep breath and rolling my shoulders a few times, I marched towards it and barged inside. The sight that greeted me wasn’t something I was expecting. Not now, not in a million years. Eyes wide, I turned back around and slammed the door closed, praying that it didn’t wake Jihoon. I heard a few groans and some mumbled words as I walked away from Soonyoung’s room, taking deep breaths. A girl, his girlfriend no doubt, with her mouth deep down Soonyoung’s dick. Both of their eyes went wide when I barged in, Soonyoung’s darkened a lot more once he realized it was me and not Jihoon. I didn’t see the girl’s reaction as I slammed the door closed, and now I was pacing up and down in the kitchen, reaching for a glass to pour some water into it. How am I going to do this? With his girlfriend over? I don’t want to drag her into this mess, I know she doesn’t know, and I don’t want her to find out either. I’m not like Soonyoung. If it was just Jihoon here, I wouldn’t have cared, he already knew everything. Just as I downed the glass of water, Soonyoung’s bedroom door was opened and the black-haired girl tiptoed out, long hair in a high ponytail now.

“Uh—Hi.” I greeted quietly and she gulped as she looked away embarrassed, “Uh—sorry, for barging in like that, I—”

“Yeah, uh—just forget about it?” The girl asked as she played around with the towel in her hands, “I’m Soonyoung’s girlfriend, Yuna, nice to meet you.”

“Y/N, nice to meet you too.” We nodded our heads at each other a little as the girl tried to smile at me but failed.

“Yeah, you’re Soonyoung’s friend—anyways, I’ll be taking a shower. See you later?” She headed for the bathroom door and I muttered quietly after her a ‘See you later’. As the bathroom door closed, out came Soonyoung from his room wearing his black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His face was still swollen and his hair sticking out in every direction. He stood at the entrance of the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest as he watched me with a glare, a glare I returned fiercely.

“What?” He finally snapped like nothing happened yesterday, a glint of amusement filling his eyes.

“Don’t act like Saint Marry, Soonyoung!” I snapped, jaw clenching as the rage I’ve felt all night long flooded my body, “You have the fucking audacity to even ask ‘What?’ when you almost ruined my relationship with Joshua?!”

“Ah,” Soonyoung laughed quietly, “The one-week long relationship? Are you sure that’s a relationship? Maybe he just likes the way you suck his dick—”

“Don’t even talk about Joshua like that!” I snapped, making sure my voice remained low enough that it wouldn’t wake Jihoon, if he wasn’t awake already, nor would it reach Yuna’s ears.

“Oh, look at that! Defending him like you’re his little puppy—”

“Fuck you, Soonyoung! You’re a piece of shit!” I snapped, slamming the apartment keys down on the counter, “I want my fucking keys back, now.”

“No.”

“No? I don’t think so.” I snapped and glared at him as I went to walk past him, but Soonyoung grabbed me by my upper arm and pulled me back, hips pinning me between him and the counter.

“You can’t take the keys back.” He muttered lowly, his glare boring into my own.

“Those aren’t yours, to begin with, I am taking them back.” I went to push Soonyoung away but he grabbed my jaw tightly and forced my head to stay in place. I hissed at him and tried to swat at his hand, but he raised his eyebrows in warning.

“Just admit you’re here because you miss fucking me.” A shit eating grin spread over his lips and my palms turned into fists, ready to punch him any second now.

“I’m here, to tell you, that you are a scumbag, Soonyoung. I knew you played unfair your whole life, but telling Joshua we used to fuck? That was really low, Soonyoung. You proved that you’re a trash person deep down. You have a girlfriend but you go around being jealous? Trying to destroy your best friend’s relationship? When she’s finally happy?!”

“You just think you’re happy with Joshua, Y/N, but you aren’t really.” He growled, grip tightening on my jaw, making me hiss.

“Sure,” I scoffed, nodding my head, “Go ahead and tell me how I feel, right. Because you know! You! Not me!”

“You’ve only known him for a week, God damn it! You’ve known me for almost ten years! Can’t you see I’m right for you, Y/N? Who knows you like I do? No one else! I grew up with you, I was there to support you through everything! Through every heart break and every successful date! Y/N, I love you truly! Unlike Joshua who doesn’t even know you!” His voice started raising and he was breathing hard and I whined, gripping his wrist when his grip became unbearable on my jaw. If he was going to keep on squeezing, he would bruise it and I don’t want to go around lying to people.

“Well unlike Joshua, who doesn’t even know me! He’s the one who made me feel truly happy and heard and seen ever since we’ve reconciled, Soonyoung! I always felt so drained being with you. It was always about you! About making you satisfied, about making you happy, about supporting you no matter what, about bending myself to everything you wanted because I wasn’t important. Not as important as you, at least.” His grip softened but he didn’t let go, he was slowly shaking his head no, “You are afraid of letting go because I’m something safe, something you know. Something you can come back to. I know new things scare you, Soonyoung, but we are over. I don’t love you.”

“That’s a lie!” Soonyoung scoffed and rolled his eyes, giving me the moment to push his grip off my jaw, “You love me and I love you. Understand that already!”

“No, you don’t love me. Not like I did, anyways. My body is what you love, the way I made you feel and the way I would always bend to your likes. I broke myself down so that you could build yourself up, and you knew all along what you were doing, Soonyoung. And I knew, deep down I did, but I was blinded by my foolish love and selflessness. That’s not happening anymore, understand?”

But Soonyoung just kept shaking his head, “No, bullshit. I—love you!”

I bit my lower and realized pouring my heart out to him, about everything he made me feel made the dull ache disappear. It was like I felt nothing now when I looked at him.

“Stay away from Joshua and I, understand? Don’t make me take drastic measures, Soonyoung, because I will. You know I will!” I warned Soonyoung, wriggling out of his hold, “Whatever we ever had, takes an end, right now. After I leave this apartment, we are just co-workers. After we are done with this reception, we won’t work together unless Mrs. Choi or the project demands us to. We can’t be friends anymore, not after you broke my trust and respect like that. It was my job to tell Joshua we were friends with benefits, not yours!”

Soonyoung’s lips quivered as he stared at me hopelessly, a humorless laugh leaving his lips, “You really care that much about him? After a week?”

“You have no idea,” I whispered, looking away from him as seeing him so broken didn’t sit well with me, “He makes me feel like no one else.”

“And I couldn’t do that?” He whispered quietly; eyes trained on the kitchen floor.

“No.” I muttered, gulping and taking a deep breath, “Tell Jihoon I’m sorry if we woke him up and that I’m sorry I couldn’t properly say goodbye, but maybe we’ll see each other from time to time. Next time dinner will be on me, if I see him.”

Soonyoung sniffed once and then looked up and nodded, walking past me. I watched him as he reached inside his jacket’s pocket and pulled out multiple keys. He detached one set and turned around, walked up to me and placed the keys in my hands. The keychain, the little turtle that I gifted him in our first year of college, broke my heart. I looked up at Soonyoung with teary eyes and he was quick to hug me. His chest rocked as he buried his head in my shoulder and I returned the tight hug, feeling my own tears rolling down my cheeks. This hurt a lot more than when he told me had a girlfriend. My lungs were heaving for oxygen and no matter how deeply I tried to breathe it wasn’t working. It was more painful, because we were saying goodbye to each other. To a friend of a lifetime, to a secret lover, to someone who meant to world to us at one point. And that was more painful than realizing we were in love and thinking the other wouldn’t return it.

“Maybe—maybe when—we have sorted things out—we could be—friends again.” Soonyoung said between sniffles, rubbing my back up and down.

“Maybe.” I whispered, unsure if there was reconciling from this one. Maybe there was, maybe there wasn’t.

“Stay healthy for me, please?” I muttered into Soonyoung’s shoulder as I took in his scent for the last time. The scent that brought so much comfort and pain at some point in my life. A scent I associated once with home.

“Yeah…just, be happy.” Soonyoung was the first to pull away, eyes red as he looked me over. I offered him a sad smile, clearing my throat and cleaning my face of the tears.

“Bye.” I called out quietly and Soonyoung gulped before he gripped my wrist and pressed a painful kiss against my lips.

“Bye.” Yet he still managed to smile, that smile that was so contagious and lit up a whole room. I returned it, but only half heartedly as I left Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment, leaving my best friend and the feeling behind. It felt liberating in a way, like the final weight was lifted too, like I could fly up high in the sky again.

The door that opened for Joshua in my heart before, was wide open now. Ready to be filled with Joshua and Joshua only.

[makeste]

is it too late now to say sorry

anon I agree with almost all of this for the most part, but if you don’t mind I would like to come to Kacchan’s defense here a little bit. while he absolutely does need to apologize to Izuku, there are reasons why he hasn’t done so yet which boil down to a lot more than simply “he’s still a dick.”

anyway, so for my next trick, I will take the thesis statement of “Kacchan is afraid to apologize to Deku for both selfish and unselfish reasons, and Deku doesn’t realize how much he needs to hear the apology because he pays no attention to his own needs”, and somehow transform that into a 3500 word rant lol.

first of all, I’ve said this before, but on the topic of whether or not Katsuki actually needs to apologize to Deku at all, my answer is an emphatic “yes.” is it necessary in order for him to earn Deku’s forgiveness? no. in fact I’m pretty sure Deku has already forgiven him. because that kid doesn’t have a petty bone in his body (not that wanting an apology from your friend who basically turned on you and made your life miserable for ten years and told you to go kill yourself is in any way petty at all), and because he has staunchly held on to what he could of their relationship throughout that entire time, hoping that one day they could somehow be friends again. Kacchan never stopped being “Kacchan” to him. Deku never stopped caring about him. and that goes beyond him simply being a good person; there’s also just an attachment there, for lack of a better word, that he is simply unwilling to give up. their friendship is that important to him. Kacchan is that important to him.

but just because Katsuki is almost guaranteed forgiveness from Izuku doesn’t mean the apology isn’t still owed. putting aside that it’s really the least he could do, I think an apology is also necessary in order for their friendship to ever move past the level it’s currently stuck at, for one simple reason: Izuku doesn’t actually know that Katsuki cares.

more specifically, he doesn’t know that Katsuki actually cares about him. because Katsuki, for various reasons which I’ll get to momentarily, has done such a spectacular job of hiding this fact that he even fooled a lot of us for a very long time. before chapter 284 came along, there was hardly any evidence at all that Katsuki actually cared about Izuku as a person beyond just the requisite, bare minimum level of “well I don’t actually want you to die or anything, because I’m not a complete shithead.”

because he hides it. and he hides it on purpose, which is a mind-blowing revelation I’m still only just starting to wrap my head around. it’s an act. all of his continued hostility toward Izuku since the Endeavor internship arc -- and possibly going even further back than that; possibly going all the way back to their second Ground Beta fight -- has been an act. here he is, continuing to bitch at him at every turn and basically doing everything he can to remind Izuku that They Are Rivals And Nothing More, and he has played that role so perfectly that hardly anyone suspected what was actually going on.

he cares about Izuku. not just subconsciously on a level where he’s in denial about it, but to a fully conscious and aware degree. he’s dedicated himself to helping Izuku as his way of trying to make amends. that’s a decision he consciously made, something he’s given a lot of thought to. he worries about Izuku. he worries about his selflessness and his recklessness and that one day he’ll take it too far and it will go terribly wrong. he worries about One For All and All For One, and about the legacy his friend has inherited that’s so much bigger than him, and which he knows Izuku won’t hesitate to sacrifice himself for if it ever comes to that. he worries. he cares.

and Izuku does not know this. and he deserves to know this. and that’s why the apology is so important. not because it’s a magic sentence that will miraculously restore the ten years of friendship and trust that was lost between them, or heal the ten years of pain and misery that Izuku went through alone and friendless, because nothing can ever restore or heal that. as a gesture, an apology is nice, but it’s also fairly useless, at least on its own. it’s meaningless without action to support it, and rather pales in significance when held up against the LITERAL DECADE of misery that it’s trying to make up for.

but the reason it’s still so, so important in spite of all this is because Izuku doesn’t know that Katsuki cares about him. he doesn’t know that their friendship isn’t just one-sided. he does know that Katsuki is a good person, and that he has a good core beneath his prickly exterior. and he’s more adept than most people at seeing past Katsuki’s outer shell of bullshit and understanding what lies beneath. but he has a blind spot, and that blind spot is himself.

he hasn’t made the connection between “Kacchan is a good person who cares about other people and is trying to do the right thing” to “Kacchan cares about me.” because Kacchan has been diligent in making sure that every time Izuku does start to make that connection, that he shoots it back down and disproves it as vehemently as he can.

which, just to be clear, is actually a huge load of bull, as we now know. huh.

but anyway. the point is that Katsuki is still hiding this part of himself from Izuku. the fact that he actually cares. the fact that their friendship is reciprocated on a level that goes beyond just rivalry and shared secrets and a mutual admiration for All Might. Izuku doesn’t know yet how much Katsuki cares about him, and he deserves to know.

and that’s why the apology is important. not because the words themselves are important, but because he deserves to know that Katsuki is sorry. he deserves to know that Katsuki cares about him. he deserves to know that he’s valued, that Katsuki sees him as someone who has value. he deserves that. and that, more than anything else, is why the apology is needed, and why it’s important for him to actually hear those words. because Katsuki was spot on when he said that Izuku doesn’t see himself in the way that he should, and I think he needs this to help him understand a little better just how much value he actually has.

so that’s part one of my rant! and now we move on to part two, which can basically be summarized as “okay but then WHY has Katsuki not just FUCKING APOLOGIZED TO HIM ALREADY.” because yeah, though. at the end of the day, this is all on him. and he does care, and he is sorry. so then what is still holding him back??

and that... is complicated. and it basically boils down to four things.

1. it’s insufficient.

ten years. all the way back to when they were four years old and Izuku first learned that he didn’t have a quirk. ten years of Katsuki bullying him and distancing himself from him. ten years of pain and isolation and unhappiness that Izuku absolutely did not deserve.

and yes, it ultimately stemmed from a misunderstanding, but that doesn’t make it right in the least. there’s absolutely no justification for it. Katsuki knew that it was wrong and he acted like that nonetheless. and anyone who says that Izuku in any way brought it on himself, that it’s in any way his fault or that he invited it on himself by not leaving Katsuki alone -- you can miss me with that, tbh. he was a child and he was lonely and confused and didn’t understand why his best friend had suddenly turned his back on him. this was the most vulnerable period in his life, and the person who should have had his back ended up being the person who made it even worse for him instead. and even after Izuku grew out of the so-called stalking and actually did mind his own business, and just admired Katsuki from a distance -- that still wasn’t enough to appease Katsuki either. even just the mere mention of Izuku wanting to go to U.A. was enough to set him off worse than ever before. that was absolutely not Izuku’s fault in any way, and I’m positive that even Katsuki himself would agree. Katsuki was terrible. I can’t emphasize enough just how terrible he was.

so yeah. ten years of that. and now Katsuki finally realizes just how awful it was. and he’s sorry! and he regrets it, a lot, and he wants to atone for it.

but now here’s problem number one: when you put it up in comparison to ALL OF THAT, an apology just feels overwhelmingly inadequate. almost laughably so. and Katsuki may be a bit emotionally dense (although perhaps less so than we always thought), but he’s sharp enough to realize this much, at least. it’s almost pathetic to simply try saying “I’m sorry” after all of that, and expect it to mean anything at all. it’s not enough. it’s so much not enough that I imagine he must almost feel helpless just imagining it. the weight of everything he’s done is so much, and an apology isn’t enough to undo any of it. it’s not even close.

Katsuki isn’t someone who backs down from things easily, but the sheer scale of the mistakes he’s trying to grapple with now is enough to give just about anyone pause. how do you even begin to address something like that? how can you even begin to make up for it? and Katsuki isn’t stupid, and I have to imagine that everything he saw during that first week of interning with Endeavor only cemented this for him. an apology simply isn’t enough. not for something like this.

2. it’s unfamiliar.

reason number two! and this one is a bit selfish on his part, yeah. but Katsuki is still just a kid too. and his falling out with Izuku didn’t only have a negative impact on Izuku; it hurt Katsuki as well. he lost that friendship too. he thought Izuku was looking down on him, and I’m certain that hurt him a lot more than he ever let on. if you trust someone and care about them only to have them turn on you like that (even though he got it wrong and it was ultimately all just in his head) -- that hurts. it’s not a coincidence that he became closed off and mean afterwards, and that even now he’s resistant to letting other people get close to him. for all that it was more or less self-inflicted, it still had a huge impact.

but now he’s learned that Izuku was never looking down on him at all and that he had it wrong this whole time. and as a result, he’s gotten this chance now to try and rebuild the childhood friendship that he almost destroyed. and make no mistake, this is something he wants too. it’s not just Izuku who’s grateful to have this chance to have normal interactions with the other again. this is something both of them value, and Katsuki doesn’t want to ruin it this time.

so he’s picking up where he left off! only the thing is, this involves him reverting to a blueprint that hasn’t been updated since the two of them were four years old, lol. “normal” for them is him being a bossy little snot, and Izuku happily shrugging it off with all of his limitless nerdy enthusiasm as they go about their various misadventures together. it’s a script that hasn’t changed since they were children, and one they’re both still more than content to use, but it is an outdated script nonetheless. Katsuki is playing the role that Izuku expects him to play. and it’s not like he’s being dishonest or anything like that, because that’s still him; he’s still his same old short-tempered, argumentative self, and it’s not like his personality has done a complete 180 or anything like that.

but at the same time, there’s a calmer side to him now which he is deliberately keeping hidden from Izuku because it’s off-script for them. it’s unfamiliar ground. with Izuku, he’s always been this Kacchan:

and again, it’s not like he isn’t actually that person, especially when it comes to his old rival. but at the same time, there’s another side to him that he rarely if ever lets Izuku in particular see. Izuku never sees the quiet Kacchan who avoids other people’s eyes while he fiddles with his water bottle and calmly asks questions about the OFA successors. Izuku never sees the insightful Kacchan who opens up about his own regrets and weaknesses. there’s a level of emotional intimacy, for lack of a better term, that Katsuki has been unwilling to let them cross into. and if I had to guess why, my guess would be that it’s because Katsuki is afraid that changing up the formula now will lead to unfamiliar territory which may or may not end up completely upending their relationship just as it’s starting to grow into something actually solid again.

which brings me to reason #3!

3. he’s afraid.

Katsuki already experienced what it was like to fall out with Izuku. and again, for all that he was the cause of it, and that Izuku had it much, much worse, that doesn’t change the fact that it was a pretty terrible experience for him as well.

and look, we know Katsuki is afraid of losing Izuku. that’s confirmed canon now. he actually admitted that he was worried about Izuku, and that Izuku’s tendency to recklessly disregard his own wellbeing unsettled him and made him want to keep his distance. and he sacrificed himself to save Izuku’s life!! and did it automatically, unthinkingly, because the decision-making on his part was so fast it didn’t even register. that’s how much he cares. enough that his desire to protect Izuku now ranks higher than his own self-preservation.

and when something is that important to you, you will fight not to lose it. and Katsuki does not want to lose this. Izuku is important to him. by extension that means their friendship is important to him. and he wants to preserve that.

and the thing is, the apology is an obstacle to that. and he knows it. he knows he has to face it at some point, because he can’t atone without it. he has to take responsibility for what he did. he can’t keep running away from it forever.

but he also knows the potential consequences. he knows that apologies don’t always end in reconciliation. he knows falling-outs don’t always have a happy ending. he knows that forgiveness isn’t automatic, and that years of pain don’t just disappear just like that. and he recently got to see firsthand one possible way how it might all turn out.

he knows Izuku doesn’t have to forgive him. he knows Izuku might not forgive him. and he knows that he probably doesn’t deserve Izuku’s forgiveness, and that ultimately he does not have a say in the matter one way or the other. it’s Izuku’s choice, at the end of the day, and whatever he chooses Katsuki is going to have to accept it.

but you can know all of that, and accept the fact that you’re going to have to take responsibility, and yet still be afraid to face it. and yes, maybe it’s selfish of him to feel that way. but that selfishness is also human. it’s human to fear rejection, and it’s human to go through the various stages of trying to postpone having to face that. Katsuki is a brave kid, but he is just a kid, still. and this is going to be very hard for him to do. that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still have to be done. but I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy for the situation he’s currently in.

and there is also one last reason why I think he’s putting it off as well, and it just so happens that this reason actually isn’t selfish at all.

4. he doesn’t want false forgiveness.

and this one is ironically kind of at odds with reason #3! Katsuki fears the possibility of Izuku not forgiving him... but at the same time, I think that strangely enough, there’s also a part of him that fears being forgiven, just like that. easily and gladly and unconditionally, with the trademark selflessness that defines so many of Izuku’s other decisions.

“he just... deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?”

Izuku rarely if ever takes himself into consideration, and Katsuki knows this. he’s selfless to a fault, and Katsuki knows this. and so if Katsuki were to come up to him and apologize, there’s the possibility that yes, Izuku might decide not forgive him. he might in fact be all “nah, you know what, fuck you,” as would certainly be within his rights.

but this is a very remote possibility, and we all know it. and Katsuki knows it too, I think. because that’s not who Izuku is. he puts other people’s welfare above his own, every time. and so if Katsuki were to break down and tell Izuku that he was sorry, and if he were to ask him for forgiveness, nine times out of ten that is something that Izuku grants instantly. this is the same kid who put his own life at risk to try and save Katsuki less than an hour after Katsuki told him to dive off a roof. Izuku’s instinct is to protect and save. and so if he sees that Katsuki is hurting; if he sees that Katsuki feels guilty for what he’s done and that it’s eating away at him in much the same way as when he was blaming himself for Kamino -- he is going to do what he always does. he is going to try and save him.

and he would do that even if it meant shoving down his own pain. he absolutely would. he would prioritize Katsuki’s feelings over his own. and if he did still feel any lingering resentment at how cruelly he was treated, he would still put it aside if need be. and he would forgive him.

in other words, the risk exists that Izuku might grant Katsuki forgiveness that he doesn’t actually feel. if Katsuki is granted Izuku’s forgiveness, he doesn’t have any way to actually tell for sure if it’s real. there would be that element of doubt there, that question of whether or not it’s really sincere. and something like that could ultimately poison their relationship, if things were allowed to play out that way. it would prevent them from being fully able to trust each other. ultimately, it might lead to them drifting apart again, and something like that might ultimately be even more painful than Izuku rejecting Katsuki’s apology outright. and there’s also an argument to be made that Izuku doesn’t deserve to be put on the spot like that, and forced to make that decision one way or the other when he might not be ready to yet. so there’s that to consider as well.

so yeah. four reasons why Katsuki has not apologized to Izuku yet. and they are good reasons, in my book. complicated reasons, too. but none of that changes the fact that at the end of the day this is still something he has to do. his current way of trying to atone through action is great, don’t get me wrong! and it’s necessary too for sure, because like I said, the apology just on its own is never going to be enough. he needs to commit to doing the right thing, and trying his best to make it right between them from here on out. and saving his life is certainly a decent start! but you still gotta say the words too eventually bro.

but there is just a ton of stuff at play here and I find it all fascinating tbh. they are just so, so bad at communicating with each other. and the thing is, they both actually want the same thing! but they want it so badly that ironically it’s almost holding them back right now, because they don’t want to put it at risk. but ultimately this is a leap of faith that Katsuki in particular is going to have to take sooner rather than later in order to finally restore that last bit of trust between the two of them.

so yeah. just two stupid teenage boys who fail at emotions, and who are probably overdue for another of their famous Get It All Out In The Open stupid shounen therapy battles lmao. round 3, featuring Deku’s new robot arms vs Katsuki and his shiny new “like father like son” All Might torso scar. sob.

[cygnetofthesea]

Across the Screen: Élite Fanfic

Nadia looks at Guzman for a long moment, her chest aching at the softness in his eyes. Even through a blue-light screen she could see the absolute love and adoration he held just for her. It never ceased to flip her heart inside her chest and it made it all the harder when she had to stay away from him.

And it was all the harder now, miles away with an ocean between them. The thought leaves a heavy weight and a painful twist inside her. She smiles tightly and looks away, trying to shield the sudden sadness in her eyes.

But of course, he was as tuned in to her as always.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks softly.

She shakes her head and forces her smile to look more natural as she looks back up. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Nadia, I know you. I know your silences all too well. Something is on your mind." His soft eyes shift then, looking vulnerable. "You can always tell me. You know that, right?"

Her smile this time was a lot more genuine, widening. She looks at him and nods, shifting her laptop to angle the screen better.

"Yes, I know. You're going to think I'm being ridiculous."

He lets out a startled laugh. "How could I ever think that, Nadia? You and I both know very well I'm the ridiculous one."

That gets a giggle out of her, her face moving closer to the screen with her laughter. He beams in response, feeling his chest swell at the knowledge that he could still make her laugh like that. He vowed to make sure he did it often.

"Now that we've cleared up any confusion, will you tell me?" he asks.

He leans back against his headboard, resting the laptop closer so his face takes up more of her screen. She loved his face in that moment and took a screenshot, wanting to come back to it when she was feeling low.

"I just," she looks away, biting her lip. "I just worry about you and I hate that we're apart. Especially after what just happened."

The last thing she wanted was to bring up painful memories of what had happened just a month ago. Guzman had been doing surprisingly well, all things considered and Nadia was fearful that bringing it up now would be hard on him, worse now that she wasn't there to comfort him.

"I miss you," she utters softly, swallowing past the lump in her throat.

"Nadia." He says her name in a whisper but she hears the crack in his voice and feels that twinge in her chest once again. She put that crack in his voice. She shouldn't have said anything. "Nadia, please, look at me."

She quells the tears, blinking before meeting his gaze.

She can see his hand is extended on his side as though he was touching the screen in a vain attempt to reach her skin. It was a poor substitution but she knew she couldn't help return the gesture herself. Especially when she saw his glassy eyes looking back at her.

But there's a sweet, gentle smile that graces his lips, his thick brows furrowed upward in an affectionate and loving way.

He sighs her name again, his eyes roving across her face. Miles away and she can still feel the intensity of them burning through her, filling every molecule in her body.

"Nadia."

She lets out a shaky breath, her heart pattering against her chest. "Yes?"

"I was wrong: you are ridiculous."

His response catches her by surprise and she can't help the peel of laughter that escapes her, her head tossing back. Just like that, the heavy weight is gone and she's filled with his accompanying chuckle. Behind her closed eyes, shut in laughter, she can picture his beaming face perfectly.

Eyes crinkled as he smiles widely, his teeth in full display with hints of his gum. Allah, she loved that smile so much.

When she settles down and looks back at him, she saw that beautiful face as she pictured it. "Hmm, see and that is why I'm the smarter one between the two of us. How did I know you would say that?"

His broad grin relaxes, soft again. "Because I know you and because you are the smarter one. But you're not ridiculous for loving me, you're ridiculous for thinking I would believe your feelings to be. Never, Nadia. Your feelings are everything to me. You are everything to me."

She instinctively reaches out to caress his face, letting out a sigh when her fingers meet the screen once again. She pulls back and instead settles her fingers against her lips, wishing she could feel his skin there instead.

"Besides," he continues. "I'm too busy missing you to think of anything else."

She lets out a wet chuckle, her tears betraying her as they fill her eyes again. But she refuses to let them fall.

"I feel like that too." She looks around her new apartment that feels so foreign and sterile, devoid of warmth.

She had arrived at the New York City apartment she and Lu found together just a few days ago but it had already felt too long. Once Lu saw the state of the freshman dorms, she had immediately prowled for an affordable but luxurious apartment for the two of them that could be covered with their housing scholarship money. Lu may have been broke, but she was still very new to living a frugal life.

You could take the riches away from the girl but not the girl from the riches. But Lu had already proven herself to be quite resourceful if her Reverse Valentine's Party was any indication and had found them a nice apartment near campus, albeit a very, very small apartment. This didn't bother Nadia who was used to making do with what she had and loved their new place but Lu had huffed and whined about how this was the best she could find.

But as cozy as Nadia had found their apartment, it felt cold and empty. Or perhaps that was just what she felt.

Nadia shakes her head, annoyed with herself. "I really am excited for this new experience," she tells Guzman. "I mean, this is unlike anything I've ever had before. I've never been outside  of Madrid before, too busy with school and helping my family with the store so this is huge for me. To not only study at a top school but to experience life in one of the most metropolitan and famous cities. It's amazing and I'm forever grateful, I just…"

She trails off, feeling ridiculous again. Who was she? The Nadia from two years ago would have shaken this mopey one sitting in one of the most exciting cities in the world. All because of a boy?

"I miss you too," she hears Guzman say. "So much."

And that's when she thinks, no, not just for any boy, but the boy she was in love with. The boy who fought for her in a way no one ever had. A boy who took her by surprise with his love and selflessness.

Nadia was always a tough person. She had resigned herself to looking out for herself from a young age when May would run off somewhere, sometimes days on end if not hours. Or when Omar would hang out with Samuel without her, only taking pity on her years later when they both realized she was essentially friendless after May left. But through all that--being abandoned by her siblings, dealing with the pressure from her parents and their immigrant's dream--Nadia learned to take care of herself. She learned to put aside her feelings and use her to head to get things done. She learned how to compartmentalize and push back the tears so her parents wouldn't see after May's departure left them broken. She learned to focus on tangible goals like grades and awards and scholarships.

But along the way, she forgot how to live. She forgot what it meant to be a young girl. She forgot what it meant to be a teenager, exploring her identity.

Then a pretty rich boy she hadn't looked twice made her look and helped her live simply by being there and supporting her every step of the way. He held an unwavering faith in her that even she didn't have. Sure, she believed in herself, knew she was smart, but there were moments of doubt when she would wonder if she could really live up to her parents expectations. Hell, her own expectations.

But Guzman never doubted her, not once. And it wasn't because he thought she was some superhuman that was leagues better than him--well, perhaps it was partially that--but it was also because he saw her for all her faults and finesse. For what made her flawed and yet perfect to him.

It was his faith in her that spurred this fire in him to stand by her, to protect her opportunities and make sure nothing stood in her way of achieving everything she ever wanted and deserved. Who did that?

How could she not love this boy? How could she not miss that boy?

Because with him, Nadia felt like she could sit for a moment and take a breath. With him, Nadia felt like she could stop and smell the roses every so often instead of constantly barreling to achieve one goal after another. With him she felt like she could slow down just a little and live. Be the young teenager that she actually was but that it didn't mean she had to lose sight of her ambitions.

So yes, she missed this boy, but Guzman was a boy worthy of her affections.

"Me too," she replies.

"I feel relieved that you miss me, that you love me, because I'm selfish and insecure like that," he chuckles bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck. "But I love you more and I don't want you to worry about me. Ok? I'm a big boy."

Nadia quirks a thick brow and lets a sly grin slip. "Maybe let's not talk about what a big boy you are right now. Lu's due back at the apartment soon."

She knew that wasn't what he meant but couldn't help teasing him. She loved seeing the playful look in his eyes and the inexplicable blush that would rise up his freckled cheeks. She still marvels at the awed look he gives her whenever she says or does anything that indicates she wants him. Guzman was no prude when she met him and he wasn't one with her either. They had seen, felt, and tasted every patch of skin on each other, a handful of times too, especially before her departure, and yet he never ceased to blush around her, his lashes lowering gently. It was one of the many surprising and endearing things about him.

"I like that's where your head is, minx," he says with a wink. "And we will most definitely get to that when we don't have intruders, but I mean it. You don't need to worry about me. I mean, don't forget about me, but don’t fret, my love. Not for me."

She sighs, feeling the tightening in her chest lighten at his words. There was a resolve in his gaze, a strength in them that she knew she had for her. He was being brave for her even though she knew he missed her just as fiercely.

"Our story has only just begun," he says. "That makes me happy."

"Even if it's seven hours away?"

He nods, his smile widening. "Yes, even then. Because it's you, Nadia. I knew what I was getting into when I pursued you, I knew it wasn't going to be typical, but you make my life better so it's all worth it. I would climb Everest for you."

She stroked her screen where she could see the laugh lines on his cheek. "I would too, you know?"

"You would?" He seems so boyishly hopeful then.

"Yes. You're worth it."

They pause to look at one another before Guzman lets out a smirk. "Well, let's tackle your parents first and telling them about us."

"That is climbing Everest," she says with a giggle. She thought he would laugh with her but when she catches the seriousness in his expression, she realizes the implication of her words. She would fight for him when the time came, she would face her parents and their inevitable ire and disapproval for him.

And as she mulled over that thought, her mind flashing to different versions of her parents' reaction, she knew it to be true. It was daunting but she knew in her heart that he was the one for her.

She nods, looking him in the eye. "Yes, I would climb Everest for you."

He leans closer to the screen until it darkens and she hears a smooch on the other end before his face appears on the screen. He had kissed his camera in lieu of kissing her. She put a hand on her thumping heart and returned the gesture with a wobbly smile.

"And until then?" he asks, biting the inside of his lip.

She ponders this. She hates missing him, hates feeling like her heart is in Madrid while the rest of her is in New York, but she would learn to cope. She would learn to love him across the ocean, across the computer screen while she built a life for herself, for them.

"Until then, we live. We live for ourselves, for each other, for the life we can build together. We focus on our studies and call each other. We push each other to be better and be there for each other when the other is suffering from sleep-deprived madness." She looks at him softly. "We love each other."

He lets out a wet, gasping sound, a cross between a sob and laugh, while nodding repeatedly. "Yes, yes, yes. I like the sound of that. I can manage that."

"That's good to hear. Me too."

Her eyes catch the clock near his bed, the very same she had told him to get rid of when it woke them up one morning with a horrifying blare. It was late in Madrid, already the next day even if it was only evening in New York. She could see the exhaustion under his eyes.

"It's late," she says. "You should get some sleep."

He shakes his head before she can get the words out. "No, no, I'm not tired," he says even as a yawn interrupts him.

She giggles and fixes him with a stern look. "Who's always right?" she asks, tilting her ear toward the screen, putting a hand up to cup around it. "Let me hear you say it."

He rolls his eyes teasingly. "Ok, ok, you are. Seriously, I'm going to have dreams of you scolding me." He pauses and rubs his bottom lip thoughtfully. "That might not be a bad thing. Might actually enjoy that."

She feels heat creep up her neck and brushes the skin under her ear, the space he'd kiss waking her up from a nap or every time he wrapped his arms around her from behind, or every time they….

She had to stop that particular train of thought and shook her head at him. "You enjoy that. But the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you can dream of me."

He blinks slowly, the tell-tale sign that he was sleepy and would be nodding off soon. "Stay on until I fall asleep?" he asks, sliding his body down until he’s underneath his covers. He sets the laptop beside him, the space she would occupy when she visited him, and cups a hand underneath his cheek.

"You're so beautiful. I love you, Nadia."

She settles into her own bed even though she wasn't tired and set her laptop on the side Guzman would have occupied had he been there. When he would be there.

"I love you, Guzman," she whispers, just loud enough for him to hear. "Sweet dreams."

He keeps his eyes on her for as long as his heavy lids allow before drifting off to sleep with a gentle smile on his lips.

Nadia wasn't certain what the future would bring, but as she looked at the sleeping face of the love of her life, she felt a surety in her heart. They would be just fine.

[tatttletale]

The School for Good and Evil | Mystery Skulls Animated (AU/Crossover)

'Vivi had waited all her life to be kidnapped.'

Every four years two children are stolen away from Tempo, never to return. Most children fear being taken to the School for Good and Evil. But not Vivi...

She has dreamt all her life of attending the renowned school and believes this could be her chance.

Her best friend Arthur has other ideas.

When the two are taken, things don't quite go to Vivi's plan.

Because sometimes, the princess and the witch don't look like they do in fairy tales.

ONE WITCH. ONE PRINCESS. ONE HAPPILY NEVER AFTER.

[Book 1 of my crossover between The School for Good and Evil franchise by Soman Chainani and the Mystery Skulls Animated franchise by MysteryBen27 and Kressent Rhodes.]

╔═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╗ In the forest primeval A school for Good and Evil Two towers like twin heads One for the pure One for the wicked Try to escape you'll always fail The only way out is Through a fairy tale ╚═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝

Vivi had waited all her life to be kidnapped.

        But tonight, all the other children of Tempo writhed in their beds. If the School Master took them, they'd never return. Never lead a full life. Never see their family again. Tonight these children dreamt of a red-eyed thief with the body of a beast, come to rip them from their sheets and stifle their screams.

        Vivi dreamt of the very school they were all terrified of instead.

        She had arrived on her first day as an honorary student and stepped into the foyer to find it filled with every manner of fairytale creature, both Good and Evil. For the first time, she was finally in company of the very subject of her obsession, and she found herself rooted to the floor, eyes flicking around frantically, unable to settle on any one target. Werewolves, fairies, goblins, princesses, and any number of sentient animals bustled around the foyer, chattering amongst themselves and shooting coloured spells from pointed fingers. She stepped forward, excitement buzzing as she readied herself to dive headfirst into the clamour, when the crowd parted and she stopped. Standing at the far end of the foyer was a tall, beautiful woman, skin ghostly pale against her jet black hair. When she turned to face her, Vivi was struck by her dazzling green eyes, cold but lilted with mischief. She was almost angelic. Vivi took a step towards her, reaching out—

        A hammer broke through the walls of the room and smashed the occupants, and the dark-haired angel, into shards.

        Vivi's eyes opened to morning. The hammer was real. The woman was not.

        Rubbing her eyes, she pushed herself up in bed, squinting over at the window. ". . . Father? What are you doing?"

        "Everyone in town says that you're to be taken this year," her father said, nailing a misshapen bar over her bedroom window, now completely obscured by locks, spikes, and screws. "But no one's getting in here tonight. I'll make sure of that." He pounded a deafening crack as exclamation.

        Vivi flinched and gazed curiously at the once-lovely window, now something you'd see in a witch's den. "I'm sure we don't need all that. Why not hang a few charms around the windows and circle the house with salt?"

        Her father scoffed. "Vivi, I appreciate your love of our culture but not everything your grandmother did was effective. If this School Master has the power to drag kids out of their homes and into the woods, I doubt he's some simple yokai with an aversion to salt. This, on the other hand—" he tapped the window— "Will keep anything and everything out. And you'll be safe."

        Vivi hid a frown. The hopelessness of her grandmother's charms against the School Master was what she had been counting on. Of course, she loved her family, but she had been dreaming of attending the School all her life.

        A weight settled by her feet and she looked up to see her father sitting on her bed, resting a reassuring hand on her knee. "I'm sure you'll be safe this year. I know it's awful to wish kidnapping on another person's child, but the School Master will probably choose Mala or Tabitha. They're good girls."

        Vivi tensed. Mala was the village's golden girl; if anyone was Good, it was her. But she hadn't waited all her life like Vivi had. She hadn't hung her hopes on this opportunity like she had.

        He father looked at her, adjusting his glasses, and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about this in front of you." He leaned forward and planted a kiss on her forehead, standing up. "Don't worry. We won't let anything happen to you tonight." And then he slipped out the door.

        Vivi sat in bed for a moment, eyeing the grotesque window, and made up her mind. She threw the covers back and got dressed, pulling out her research and planning what to follow up today. Her last day.

        After dog-earing a recently-bought storybook and charting up its links, she took a break by sitting down and reading one of her older ones, The Goose Girl, skipping to her favourite part of the story, where the wicked hag is rolled down a hill in a nail-spiked barrel, until all that remains is her bracelet made of children's bones, the deceiving gold plating long since rubbed off. Gazing at the gruesome bracelet, Vivi felt a little flicker of righteousness. Served her right, she thought, the wicked thing.

        She didn't allow herself too much time to rest and was soon back on the floor, kneeling amongst her papers. Sitting up, she looked around at the carnage and frowned. She would undoubtedly be taking her research into the woods with her—but how would she fit it all in her luggage? She could borrow another bag, she supposed, but she'd never heard of the School Master sending a carriage or footmen or anything of the sort for his students' bags. Maybe it would be best to only take one, one she could hold onto.

        After selecting today's papers and packing the rest into her reserved leather bag, she downed a light breakfast and left the house in a breezy blue dress and a basket on her arm, long hair flowing in the wind. She had one last day before the School Master's arrival and planned to use each and every minute to remind him in a last-ditch effort why she, and not Mala or Tabitha or Sabrina or any other impostor, should be kidnapped. This was her lifelong dream, after all, and she was not about to give it up easily.

༻·𖥸·༺

Vivi's best friend lived in a workshop on the outskirts of town. To get there, she had to walk nearly a mile from the bright lakeside cottages, with green eaves and sun-drenched turrets, towards the gloomy edges of the forest. Sounds of hammering echoed through cottage lanes as she passed fathers boarding up doors, mothers stuffing scarecrows, boys and girls hunched on porches, noses buried in storybooks. The last sight wasn't unusual, for children in Tempo did little besides read their fairytales. But today Vivi noticed their eyes, wild, frenzied, scouring each page as if their lives depended on it. She almost laughed seeing the children's futile attempts at salvation—four years ago, that had been her, not yet past her twelfth year but still searching for a way to get out of the town. By now, she had scoured every storybook available to her and mapped out dozens of connections between them, establishing common links between the kidnapped children in an attempt to maximise her chances of being taken.

        And now, it was her turn. At sixteen, she could no longer disguise as a child in the School Master's eyes, but that didn't matter. She was ready.

        As she descended the slope on the edge of town, picnic basket in hand, Vivi mused at the way her thighs no longer burned at the strain. These treks had made her fit and capable—something she'd need in the Woods. She had taken other measures to prepare as well, alongside her research—though she knew she was Good and a likely candidate, she had been undertaking charitable deeds the past year in order to ensure her place at the School. Fundraising for the orphanage, donating to struggling businesses, volunteering work at short-staffed shops, and buying birdfeed off the homeless hag in the square, even if she didn't use it. At least she was giving her some income.

        "Are you going to see the witch boy?"

        Vivi turned. A small group of children frolicked nearby on the hill. The eldest boy was standing and looking at her.

        "He's not a witch," she said, frowning.

        "He has no friends and he's queer. That makes him a witch." The boy thought for a moment. "And he's a bastard."

        Vivi felt a pang of anger. That was hardly his fault. Seeing as his parents were no longer alive to receive the scorn, it had fallen on him and his uncle instead.

        "You shouldn't judge someone by things out of their control," she replied, voice cold. "And I can think of many queer, friendless people that aren't branded as witches."

        The boy shrugged. "He's just different."

        She rolled her eyes and turned her back on the ignorant child, restraining herself from lecturing him. As if he knew any better; rumours were perpetuated by adults and passed onto their children. If she were to take her own advice, she shouldn't hold that ignorance against the boy.

        But on the other hand, she certainly wasn't going to waste her time trying to make the children of Tempo see reason. It was a fruitless endeavour.

        "You'll need to find a new friend when he's taken."

        She wheeled around again, indignant. "The School Master takes two."

        "He'll take Mala for the other one. No one's as Good as Mala."

        Vivi's jaw clenched. All her research, all her hard work, and they thought Mala deserved to go?

        "We'll see," she muttered, and turned away.

        By now she had transitioned onto the faint, gravelly path leading up to the workshop. Despite its prime position at the bottom of the slope as a vehicle repair station, it hardly received any visitors, and it showed. The paint was flaky and the tiled roof in need of repair, with windows sitting crookedly on broken hinges. She guessed the lack of business was due to its close proximity to the village cemetery, marked by a rusted iron fence a few paces behind the dwelling, but it hardly bothered her.

        Approaching the front door, Vivi screwed her nose up as the usual smell greeted her—the strong tang of oil, grease and wood shavings. Casting a quick glance to the open workshop to find it empty, she knocked on the door and prepared for a confrontation.

        The door swung open to reveal a gangly figure in oil-stained clothes, eyes bulging and cheeks sunken, spiked blonde hair stained blue at the roots. "What," Arthur said, sounding annoyed.

        Vivi winced. "Still hasn't come out?"

        "Does it look like it?" he huffed. "I look ridiculous."

        "Well, no one's gonna see you, anyway," she joked, humour falling flat as he frowned. She cleared her throat. "Uh, look, I'm sorry about the. . . dye."

        He crossed his arms. "At least it looks good on you."

        She raised a hand to her own cyan hair, perfectly coloured through. "I thought we could match!"

        "Mhm," he grouched. Silence.

        A chittering squeak, and Vivi looked down to find a hamster by her feet, hips suspended with a miniature wheeled cart. She kneeled down, stroking the animal. "Hey, Galahad."

        Arthur flushed and scooped the pet up, setting him inside. Vivi smirked at him. "What, embarrassed?"

        "No," he grumbled, scuffing a shoe in the dirt. "I just don't like people touching him."

        "Right." Another pause. "You wanna. . . come for a walk with me today?"

        Arthur leaned against the door. "I'm still trying to figure out why you're friends with me."

        "Because you're sweet and funny," said Vivi.

        He looked away for a moment, tinged with red, before clearing his throat. "Alright, well. . . it's not like I have much else to do." That was a lie, and Vivi knew it.

        She flashed him a bright smile. "Good you have me to keep you occupied, then."

༻·𖥸·༺

The dreaded 13th day of June had arrived, falling as it often did every four years on a Friday. Beneath waning sun, the village square had become a hive of preparation for the School Master's arrival. Fathers barricaded doors and boarded windows while the village mothers lined children up and set to work. Handsome ones had their hair lopped off and their teeth blackened, homely ones were scrubbed and dressed in bright colours. The best children were begged to curse or kick their sisters, and the worst were bribed to pray in church, all in hopes of confusing the visitor into, perhaps, taking none at all.

        Fear swelled into a contagious fog. In the alleyway, the butcher and blacksmith traded books in hopes of finding clues to save their sons. Two sisters sat beneath the crooked clock tower, listing fairytale villains to search for a pattern. A group of boys chained themselves together, a handful of girls hid on the schoolhouse roof, and a masked child jumped from bushes to spook his mother, earning a scolding on the spot and a barely veiled threat that maybe the School Master would take him instead tonight. The boy sobered up after that. Even the homeless hag got into the act, hopping around a meagre fire and shouting, "Burn the books! Burn them all!" But no one listened and no books were burned. If anything, villagers hugged their books tighter to their chests and avoided the man woman.

        Arthur gawked at all this in disbelief. "How can a whole town believe in fairy tales?"

        "Because they're real."

        Arthur dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Oh yeah, I forgot about you."

        "You can't deny all the evidence! There are just too many patterns for it to all be a coincidence. And don't even start on your man-eating wolves story," she said quickly, before he could interject. "That is the weakest explanation I've ever heard."

        "Look Vivi, honestly, I've tried to humour you. I've read all the storybooks. But it's just . . ." he gestured vaguely. "It's not real."

        "Well I'll prove you wrong when we're taken tonight," she replied.

        He stopped walking. "We?"

        She stopped ahead of him and turned, realising her mistake. "I—didn't mean it that way."

        Arthur's gaze flicked pointedly beyond her and then back. "Sure you didn't."

        She followed his glance, settling on the villagers in the square. The crowd was staring at them like a solution to a mystery. Popular and outcast, Good and Evil, standing side by side. The School Master's perfect pair.

        "Can we go?" came Arthur's voice.

        Vivi turned. His eyes were once again locked on the mob.

        "Where?"

        He avoided her gaze. "Just . . . away from people."

༻·𖥸·༺

As the sun weakened to a red orb, bleeding into the sky, two friends sat side-by-side on the shore of a lake. Vivi scribbled notes on her papers, finalising her research, while Arthur scrubbed away at some gismo he'd pulled out of one of his many pockets. Vivi snatched a sideways glance at him. He was always pulling tools out of that thing like some eccentric magician. What looked to be a burnt-orange worker's shirt, hanging down to the waist and torn off at the sleeves, and sewn with a myriad of capped pockets. He defended the rag as an apron, but that never prevented copious amounts of oil and grease from staining the white shirt he wore underneath.

        "Is your house just . . . a tar pit?" she joked, counting up the black streaks over his clothing. "I never see you clean."

        Arthur glanced up at her, looking offended for a moment, then returned his focus to the thing in his hands. "I guess you wouldn't know what hard work looks like."

        Despite knowing it was only a playful jab, Vivi's ears burned. "Excuse me!" She promptly thwacked him with her papers.

        Arthur only chuckled, hands steady over the gadget in his lap, and she craned over to look. "What are you working on today?"

        He shied away immediately, almost dropping the thing into the water. "No— Nothing!"

        "Well, that's highly suspicious," she teased, easing back into her research. They were silent for a moment, listening to the chatter of geese on the far side of the lake, until she spoke up again. "You know, everyone thinks Mala is going to be taken this year."

        Arthur scoffed. "I hope."

        Vivi was offended. "Taken for Good!"

        He scrunched his nose up. "What? Mala? Mala Kostakis?"

        "That's the one," Vivi sighed. "Everyone loves her."

        "She's a master manipulator," Arthur shot back. "They can't help it. She's got the whole town wrapped around her finger."

        "Oh, c'mon, she's not that bad."

        "She puts up a front around everyone she sees as useful," he said, face etched in a deep frown. "Because I'm of no use to her, I see how she's really like. She's a scornful, snarky beast."

        Vivi heaved a sigh of relief. "So you think she'll be taken for Evil instead?"

        A beat of silence. When Arthur spoke again, he sounded hurt. "Why do you want to leave so badly?"

        Vivi paused, choosing her words carefully. "I'm . . . just not meant to be here. I can feel it. Obaachan was the same. Some people are just born . . . different."

        Another silence.

        "Do I . . . matter to you?"

        Vivi whirled, alarmed. "What kind of a question is that?"

        "I dunno, just . . ." he hunched in on himself. "You seem really happy about the idea of leaving me behind."

        Vivi gazed at him, softening, and then laid a reassuring hand on his arm. "I'm not . . . happy to leave you behind. I'll really miss you." She thought for a moment. "Maybe he'll even take you too, and we can still be together at our new school."

        He yanked his arm away. "And why are you so confident that he'll take you, if he's even real? What makes you so good and perfect and worthy of a fairytale life?"

        Vivi felt her face redden. "You think I'm . . . worth less?"

        "I don't know, probably!" He flung his arms out, raising his voice. "It's not like you're purer than everyone else! Every other ordinary person in this town! Every other loser like me!"

        "Oh-hoh, is that what you think?" she spat back. "Well, I am better than everyone else here."

        "Prove it," he hissed.

        "I became friends with you, didn't I?"

        Arthur stared at her, shocked. Words registering too late, she clapped her hands over her mouth in horror. Silence descended.

        After a long time, Vivi reached her hand out. Arthur smacked it away and stood up.

        "Arthur, please," she pried. "I'm sorry—"

        "I can't believe it," he muttered. "I can't believe I let you in. I knew it. No one here likes me at all. I'm just . . . a means to an end."

        He trudged off across the banks, leaving something behind in the grass. Vivi leaned over and took it carefully into her hands.

        It was the trinket he'd been working on—a silver music box, freshly polished. She opened the lid nonetheless to find a delicate blue orchid inside, composed of tiny, flake-thin metal plates, turning slowly along to a jingling lullaby. Something caught her eye and she squinted closer.

        Her name, engraved on the inside of the lid.

        Her head jerked up urgently, but he was gone.

        As the sun set, she sat alone on the grass, music box twinkling with the last rays. She stayed there as the last notes of the song petered out, leaving her in silence, and she stayed there as the light dimmed completely, leaving her in darkness. It was only when the first fathers emerged from their homes, locking doors behind them and wielding torches, that she dragged herself up and slogged back to her house, fingers stinging against the ice-cold keepsake.

All direct similarities between this AU and the original books, including excerpts and characters, have been included as artistic choice.

(Chapter 1/5)

Check out the rest of this story on: - Wattpad - FanFiction - Archive Of Our Own

[ineloqueent]

dialogue prompt? “don’t kiss me ‘cause if you do, i’ll kiss you back.”

this is long, and quite dramatic. oops.

gif by @imladrs , which i had to include because it’s absolutely beautiful.

⭒

1977

The room was full of strangers.

They called him a friend, when in reality they knew nothing about him.

They knew of his fame, sure, how he’d built his guitar from scratch and was in a band with three others, three others whom he had named equals in family to anyone who shared his blood.

But they knew nothing of him.

Not how his heart ached in its loneliness, not how he dreamt of belonging to another, because he could not imagine a purer form of love than that of sharing your entire world with another person, enthralled by them, indebted to their kindness though they never expected a repayment, someone to share one’s happiness with in its entirety, someone to promise him that he would make it through the darker hours of his life.

Somebody to love.

Oh, he loved, there was no doubt about that.

He loved so much that it hurt, and though he wasn’t always good at showing it, he would have died of grief had he lost any of his friends, or his mother or father. He had so much love to give, and no one to give it to. He longed to hold someone’s hand for the sake of holding their hand, to dedicate his touch to their skin and prove to them that they were loved, to show them how much brighter the world looked when they looked upon it with a fondness for life, a fondness for being alive, like gazing up at the moon and being in awe of its beauty, thinking of how lucky one was to see such a glow, even from so far away.

Brian had never in his life felt special. And he knew that it was a ridiculously self-deprecating thought, but he supposed he was simply never meant to feel special, because if everyone was special, then no one was special. He knew in his heart that no one would ever love him as much as he loved them. He knew he would never be special. But damn it all, he wanted to make someone feel special. If he could make someone happier, then he would be happier too; he would die happily in his accomplishment.

But there was no one to give his love. With each passing day he felt lonelier than ever before.

Until she walked into the room.

⭒

Much to your dismay, there was not a quiet corner to sneak off to at this party.

Every corner was occupied by lovers or friends, and though you had come here with a friend, you suddenly found yourself entirely friendless, surrounded by strangers and people you vaguely recognised but did not know well enough to strike up a conversation with.

You had never been a talent in the realm of small-talk, and you weren’t willing to start a career now.

The room was full of people, and yet you had never felt more alone in your life.

Deserted by the one person you knew, you sighed and fought the urge to sink to the floor in despair. She hadn’t meant to leave you, but she’d always been like that— self-assured and well-adapted— and was easily swept away by a tide of companions that might have repulsed you, if you had not known how kind she was, and how that kindness ebbed and flowed, and attracted every human in sight.

You had always been bluntly honest, and few people, very few people indeed, valued honesty to the degree where they did not mind a slight offense to their character if it was the truth. Even you understood, because you were honest, but struggled to deal with the honesty of others. Particularly when it involved romantic involvement.

In the past year alone, four people had confessed attraction to you, and you had broken down each time, crushed by the horror of having to hurt them and say that you did not feel the same way, as well as the sinking feeling of how perhaps you were incapable of loving anyone, for but the idealised versions of people that lived within your head.

But many years ago, there had been a person you had loved, though perhaps you had been too young at the time to understand what it was you were feeling.

Since you’d left the place where he existed, you’d turned bitter and cynical.

You chose your friends carefully, not out of haughtiness, but out of a fear of being hurt, of trusting the wrong people with the terrible fears of your heart— ones that would certainly make them love you less, if they loved you at all.

And yet. You idealised the memories of people to an extraordinary degree. Far too often.

The ones you trusted you hefted upon a shrine of goodwill, embracing them longer and more fiercely when they departed your company, never ceasing to speak of them to anyone who would listen, thinking of them every day. It wasn’t an obsessive habit, you told yourself. It was just like everything else.

It was a desperation to be loved.

To be loved despite your faults, despite your vices and your numerous, unyielding virtues, to be loved even in the face of everything that made you unlovable.

And so you idealised those who made you feel loved, even when they ignored your letters or shunned your sentimentalism, because you knew that deep down, they wanted to be loved as much as you, but simply deigned to have more shame than you.

But you’d been ashamed for too long.

Now, you would be ashamed no longer, and would live in the dreams of your head if that would make you happy, because you were tired of being unhappy. And you were as good as addicted to the version of life that you’d created inside of your mind.

More often than not, however, the idealism caused you no end to grief, when years later, you would reunite with someone and they would turn out to be so very unlike the person you had dreamed them to be.

But there was one person. One person who, every time you ran across him, unbidden but never unwelcome, renewed your faith in humanity, and in being loved. Because he always made you feel loved, important, special. It was like there was no end to the love he could give to you, through his smiles, and the way he held your hand, even though the two of you had never been anything more than friends, through his quiet laughter at the silliest of your musings.

You were never quiet around him, as you were with most people. In fact, when you were in his company you had absolutely no filter at all, because he was the least intimidating person you had ever met. He wasn’t intimidating, because he was honest. Like you.

But he was also endlessly kind and endlessly romantic— he lived his life by the light of the stars and the music that hummed beneath his words, as though he found everything beautiful in some way or another.

You were angry at the world. He was in love with it.

Better still, you had never idealised him to become that person. He just simply was.

And you would never see him again.

He’d always been in and out of your life, but this time, it was over. You were sure of it.

You’d known him since the two of you had been no more than five years old, and you’d been in the playground with your all-girl friend group.

Even from a young age, you’d spent much time occupied by your thoughts, and standing in the middle of the playground on that summer’s day, counting to a hundred in this game of hide and seek, you’d thought it odd that you’d ended up with only girls for friends, when your very first friend, at age one, had been a boy.

You had wondered then, opening your eyes to find that your giggling friends had all hidden away, whatever had happened to him. When you’d started a new school, you’d lost contact with him…. Jacob. Yes, that had been his name.

And at five, insecure in the onslaught of new culture that surrounded you, you’d been overwhelmed by the terrible thought of your name fading from someone’s memory.

You’d started to cry.

You hadn’t meant to close your eyes a second time, having finished counting and intending to go and find your friends, but it was an easier way to hide your tears from any teacher who might have wandered past and asked you what was wrong. But in closing your eyes, you had dimmed your senses, and were thus startled by a hand on your shoulder, turning you around.

“What’s the matter?”

You’d opened your eyes to find a boy staring at you.

“I— I can’t find my friends,” you lied.

His smile was quick. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll help you. If you want..?”

Feeling strangely at ease in his presence, you’d nodded, unsure of yourself, but sure of the kindness he embodied. He took your hand into his own, and without a thought, kissed your cheek.

Baffled, you blinked.

He seemed to sense your startled reaction.

“It’s what my mum does whenever I’m sad,” he said. “She says it means she loves me, and that she’ll be there for me, no matter how lost I feel.” He shrugged. “You looked lost.”

And with that, he’d pulled you along at a jog, smiling a gap-toothed grin and going around the playground with you until you’d found each one of your friends.

Everyone had teased you from that day on, about how he was your boyfriend. They’d said it in such a sing-song way, though, and you couldn’t help but giggle at their remarks, to smile when he smiled at you and witness the oohs that chorused from the kindergartners around you.

So you’d let them tease you, and begun to call him your boyfriend.

He became one of your closest friends, taking you to the cinema on ‘dates’, paying for the tickets and the concessions with his own pocket money, the money he’d earned from whatever little chores he could pick up from his neighbours— weeding out the garden, walking dogs, polishing shoes.

He taught you how to play chess, how to swim faster than anyone else, and how to stand up for yourself, even when the people you had to stand up to were adults, ones who had proclaimed themselves older and wiser than your young, knobbly-kneed self.

You’d grown older, and when six years had passed, the remarks about him being your boyfriend had turned earnest. Your friends asked constantly whether you would ever kiss him, whether he’d asked to kiss you, and your parents joked about the two of you marrying one another when your ages eventually passed into the twenties.

But at the time, you were only eleven, still naïve and innocent of mind, and when you’d moved away, you’d thought next to nothing of your last day of seeing him, thought nothing when he hadn’t hugged you goodbye, because you were eleven, and hugging people was an intimacy reserved for family.

Over the years— once in every five, to be precise— you’d returned to your old home town to visit, and you and he had gotten on as well as you always had, though now he would hug you properly and tell you how tall and beautiful you’d grown in the time you’d been away. If he hadn’t always been so honest, you would have scorned him for lying to you, because you knew you were not beautiful, and he had always been taller than you.

So perhaps it was a fantasy to think that you should see him at this party tonight, in the city where it had all begun.

But still you hoped, because despite how your other friends had told you about his various new girlfriends over the years— real girlfriends, because you had been too young to ever be that to him— a part of you still dared to think that he could love you, as no one had ever loved you before.

⭒

She was here.

He walked with her in memories, had savoured her touch even when they’d been only eighteen, shivering, terrified beneath her fingers when they skimmed his arm, because he was afraid of acting upon his feelings, lest she rebuke him for crossing an unforgivable boundary— the boundary between friends and lovers.

It was a cliche, he knew, but his terror was real.

And seeing her now made him think he was dreaming, because she was standing alone, in precisely the manner that had characterised her solitude when they had been five.

Only this time she was not weeping. She had learned to stem her tears, as all children eventually must, and in her resolve, she was more beautiful than ever.

Anyone else might have found her eyes cruel, surveying the room as though the world was hers, and hers to judge, but he knew what she was doing.

She was doing what she had always done, compartmentalising and rationalising her fears until they withered beneath her incessant will to be stronger than that which scared her, and looking for a place to escape to, beneath the dim lighting and close-crowded bodies of the party.

If he hadn’t known any better, he’d have said she was looking for him.

But Brian was nothing if not honest, and so he quelled that train of thought before it was even fully formed.

Still.

It couldn’t hurt to say hello, could it? By some quick head-maths, he reckoned they were due for a reunion. It had, after all, been a good deal more than five years since he’d seen her last.

He downed the last of his drink, flexed his shaking hands, and began to carve a path through the crowd toward her.

⭒

“Y/N?”

Your heart had already been in your throat, but by god, surely it had ceased to beat at the sound of your name breathed from his mouth.

You turned around and your stopped heart nearly broke at the sight of him, standing there short of breath, tall as ever, those hazel eyes liquifying you completely with the earnesty of their gaze.

“Brian, hi.” You were as breathless as he, and when you stepped closer to him, you found that you were dizzy too, because you nearly toppled in your low-heels when he smiled.

“H-ey, watch yourself, love,” he gripped your hands before you fell, and you flashed him a grateful smile.

“Sorry,” you said, and, to your dismay, blushed.

He shook his head, gentle laughter bubbling up over his lips. “It’s okay,” he assured you.

You stared at him for a moment before the words fluttered from him like a net-full of butterflies, newly freed, only to choose their new home to be your stomach. “It’s so good to see you,” he gushed, and wrapped his arms around you.

Caught by surprise, your arms found residence around his neck, and when he leaned his head against yours, you breathed in the fresh-linen smell of his curls, the slight musk of his skin that was between vanilla and sage, impossibly both rain and perpetual sunshine.

“Why do we wait five years every time?” you wondered softly against the shell of his ear, like the honest person you were.

This was the most honest you’d been in years.

Because your honesty seemed to hurt others, and so you forewent honesty for honeyed lies, to spare them of the pain your words might otherwise have caused.

It was draining to lie all the time.

But you never had to lie with Brian, because where your honesty seemed to hurt others, it enamoured him. He told you so, as often as he had the chance.

“I honestly don’t know,” he whispered back, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

He pulled back at the sound and smiled again.

You suddenly couldn’t bear to spend another minute in this room full of strangers.

“Outside?” you said, and he nodded, taking you by the hand just as he had done all those years ago.

Outside, it was quiet and cold, and without a second thought, Brian had his arm around your shoulders, his warmth a welcome replacement to the coat you hadn’t thought to bring.

“So what brings you back home?” he asked as you sat down with him, by what appeared to be a garden pond. The water babbled with the presence of a small, adjourning stream, and the surface of the pool brimmed with blush-pink water lilies. The moon’s friendly light showed you as much.

And it showed you the marble-carved contours of Brian’s face, the bow of his pretty lips.

You licked your own, willing yourself to glance away, but finding the action utterly inviable.

“Oh, you know,” you began half-heartedly, “old friends to meet, new memories to be made.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Old friends?” he said. “And here I thought you were here to see me.”

He was joking, but his closeness abruptly dampened your skin with a nervous sweat. You wrinkled your nose and pushed his arm off of your shoulder before he noticed.

“Shut up, Brian. You know I mean you.”

Brian chuckled, carding long, elegant fingers through his tousled hair. “No, don’t worry. You don’t have to lie to me.”

You looked at him.

“When have I ever lied to you?”

The air was pulled taut as a string when his eyes met yours.

“Never,” he responded quietly. He made no movement for but that of speaking. He did not blink, and you did not breathe.

“I always come back to you,” you said, and now that the words were flowing, you could not stop them. “Because no matter how many years pass, no matter how much other people change—” you had to take a breath before it physically killed you. But it was a sharp breath, and Brian hung on your every word, so when you inhaled, he gravitated toward you.

“You,” you whispered. “You never change.”

He let out a little sound, something like oh, like a realisation.

And you couldn’t keep yourself from your honesty any longer, because you leaned in to kiss him.

His thumb curved over your lower lip, depriving you of that final touch, the one which held you suspended before him, with no modesty left, no secrets, no shame, no nothing.

No end to the love which you carried in your heart for him, like a candle you had held shielded for years, cupping your hands around the flame, even if your fingers burned, because keeping that candle alight mattered more to you than the suffering of pain, more than anything in this world.

“Don’t kiss me.”

How easily three words could shatter a soul.

“Wh—”

“‘Cause if you do, I’ll kiss you back.”

You dared exhale, and his eyes fluttered shut when you kissed the pad of his thumb.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Brian’s eyes opened, as his thumb tugged softly on your lip again. It was difficult to keep quiet when he touched you like that.

“Then despite our proclaimed honesty,” he said, “you’ve lied to me every day of your life.”

You shook your head slowly. “No, Brian. You just haven’t let yourself hear what I’ve been telling you.”

His eyes widened, and you were staring into a hazel-ringed abyss, a black hole super-positioned over dying nebulae.

Brian’s thumb slipped from your lip, and he replaced its pressure with his mouth.

Exhilaration surged through you and wound itself around your heart, turned your brain to nothingness as his kiss turned you to treacle, thoughts abandoned in favour of returning the tenderness of his touch.

It felt like he’d waited forever to kiss you, from the way he cradled you in his arms. And you felt suddenly desperate that he should never let you go, that he should stay this way forever, with the curve of his hips melded against yours, the press of his chest and the fold of his hands keeping you closer to him than you could ever have hoped to be, a breathless whine escaping his perfect mouth as he kissed you deeper, more desperately, as desperate as you felt. You were his equal in your want, in your need, and the understanding between the two of you set you free, because never had you felt such an easy, mutual understanding as this. It was the simplicity of his kiss that killed you a little— how plain he was in his emotions, how willing he was to show them to you. He had the same honesty as you, even if it manifested in a different way— a better, more loving way— because he understood how truth grounded you, and in revealing to you his affections, without the intent to play games or string you along, he understood you as well.

He was quick to love and slow to judge, and though his movements were languid, his kiss was not, dissolving you like sugar beneath his lips, wet from your tongue or his— it was difficult to tell. His senses were yours, his desire a divinity when you needed his touch as hopelessly as he needed yours, and you craved for the world to always hold him this close to you.

When he brought your lower lip between his teeth, you allowed yourself to shudder, and he smiled, pressing another quick kiss to your mouth.

“Why did we wait so long with being honest?” he murmured.

You laughed in response, winding your arms around his slim waist and kissing his shoulder. You felt him kiss your hair, and you nestled further into his hold.

“Never again,” you said.

He repeated the words in his lilting voice, and combed his fingers through your hair— lingeringly, lovingly.

And in the cold and the dark, you knew he would continue to be honest with you forever, because Brian was unlike anyone you’d ever met before.

Brian was special.

[olivinesea]

Off Souls, pt. 2

Part 1

a/n: I won’t deny it, shit is dark. Would it make it better if I told you there was a little light at the end? Like a candles-worth. There’s violence and drinking but I don’t think it needs any major warnings. ~4.8k (idk why they keep getting longer)

Everybody feels bad.

Hotch tried but couldn’t get back to sleep. Frustrated, he rolled over again, punching his pillow as if that was what was keeping him up. His mind was stuck, spinning on the image of Emily standing outside his door. It wasn’t the first time she’d turned up worse for wear, excited to show off her battle wounds. He’d never turned her away before and the lost look on her face when he had earlier filled him with guilt. He worried he’d done the wrong thing. He’d been told that boundaries were healthy and asserting his needs wasn’t an act of vengeance. But maybe that didn’t apply to their relationship. Where did he set a boundary on someone who felt like an extension of himself?

As soon as he saw the sky fading from black to gray he got up, showered and went to find her. She didn’t answer and when he opened the unlocked door he saw her unmoving form on the bed. A spike of fear seared through him before he noticed her breathing through a slightly open mouth. She was just passed out. He grimaced and left her alone to sleep it off.

Later in the morning he brought her coffee and a bagel. She again didn’t answer when he knocked. He opened the door and found her still in bed. Curled on her side, she had the covers pulled up over her head, only her face exposed. At first he thought she was still asleep but saw her blink as she stared at a spot on the floor.

“Hey,” he said quietly as he entered the room. He sat down opposite her on her roommate’s bed and held out his peace offering. “I brought you some breakfast.”

She slowly looked up at him, her eyes dull. He wondered just how much she’d had to drink last night. He didn’t think he’d seen her this hungover before. He waved the coffee enticingly, hoping the smell would help.

“Hazelnut oat latte. Triple shot,” he coaxed.

She stared at him for a beat before closing her eyes and rolling to face the wall.

“No thanks,” she muttered.

He frowned. He had been sure she’d come around with a little food and caffeine. She always had in the past. Maybe he had made a bigger mistake than he realized. He dropped his hands to his lap and tried to think of what to say.

“I—I’m sorry about last night. It’s just—“ he fumbled for the words. He hadn’t been mad at her exactly. He understood falling back on a familiar crutch. He also had spent too much time trying to fix problems with alcohol. It wasn’t her fault she hadn’t yet figured out it wouldn’t work. He was just exhausted by it. He didn’t know how to explain that her late night appearances brought him back to other nights, less friendly, more damaging. Nights with a different pair of fists banging on his door, seeking him out for a different purpose. Those nights had left him feeling small and broken, his only coherent thought a wish that it would be over soon. Every time she startled him from sleep reminded him of his life before, when the only peace he could imagine was death. He couldn’t say any of that to her.

“I was just tired.” He knew it wasn’t enough. He knew in different circumstances she would be pushing him for more. Instead all he got was silence.

“Emily?”

“It’s fine, Aaron.” Her voice was muffled by the comforter and hard to make out.

“What?” He heard but he was not sure he understood.

“It’s fine. Just go away.”

That one he understood like a slap in the face. Still, he hesitated.

“Leave. me. alone.” Her voice was flat but the words were crisp. He’d really done it. He pushed her too far and now she was done with him. It was a bitter thought but he felt secretly relieved to discover there wasn’t a bottomless well of forgiveness after all. His worldview now resettled, he found the next steps were easy. He got up and placed the rejected breakfast on her desk, not stopping to push papers into piles for her like he might have the day before. It wasn’t his job to make order from her chaos anymore. He looked at her briefly before he closed the door. She was just an irregular figure under the dark blue covers, still and silent. He didn’t hear her start to cry as the latch caught behind him.  

Emily spent the day in bed. She spent the next day in bed as well. The entire weekend she subsisted on water and a few energy bars stolen from her roommate’s stash in the bottom of the closet. She wasn’t really hungry anyway. It took energy to be hungry and she barely had the energy to keep breathing. As she lay there staring at the wall, she couldn’t stop the images from the party filtering through her mind. What started as only flashes of memory crystallized into a damning portrait. Soon, she knew exactly what had happened and how she should feel about it. But she couldn’t bring herself to care. Instead she felt numb.

The few times she got up, she found dark bruises forming on her arms and thighs. They made her feel nauseous so she covered them with long sleeves and sweats. The scrapes on her hands and knees weren’t anything special so she ignored them after picking out some gravel. There was one injury she couldn’t cover or ignore. She had thought it was dirt and scrubbed at the purple spot along her jaw before hissing in pain. She looked at it again and saw it was a thumb shaped bruise. Turning her head slowly she found matching marks on the other side of her jaw. Her stomach dropped as the memory of it overwhelmed her.

She understood that she wasn’t going to get away, that none of her limbs were taking direction from her anymore. So she did the only thing she could think of—she spit in his face, her only remaining defense. He grabbed her roughly and squeezed until she cried out, promising to break her jaw if she did it again.

“Wouldn’t that be a waste?” he had whispered, mouth far too close to her ear.

Emily stopped looking in the mirror after that. It didn’t matter what she looked like anymore.

In a way, everything that had happened at the party was only a confirmation of the person people already believed she was. She had been intentionally reckless, willfully making all the wrong decisions every step of the way. She had been mad and she had done what she knew would piss Hotch off the most. She understood why he turned her away like he did. She had actually been a little surprised when he showed up the next morning. It was only as she was listening to him try to form a stunted apology that she remembered he didn’t know what she had done. He might have seen the broad strokes but she was sure if he knew the details he’d blame her as much as she blamed herself. She didn’t want to see the disappointment and disgust he was sure to feel upon learning. Better to push him away. She didn’t deserve a friend like him anyway.

By the time Monday came around, she was completely convinced of her irredeemability. It was okay though. If she was worthless, she didn’t need to bother trying. She rolled out of bed and pulled a dark hoodie on over her leggings. She shoved her feet into her sneakers, hooking a finger behind her foot to pull the heel tab up. On her way out the door, she swept whatever was on her desk into her bag without looking and headed to class. When she got there she sat in the back and didn’t even pretend to take notes. She picked at her fingers and half-listened to the lecture. When the professor started prompting discussion she slid down in her chair, hoping to disappear.

Normally on Mondays she met Hotch for lunch before their shared afternoon class. Out of habit she walked towards their favorite dining hall only to stop short when she caught sight of the back of him. He had missed a spot when brushing his hair that morning, a big chunk of it sticking up. She would have loved making fun of him for it but she hung back, letting the distance between them grow. She felt her heart beating quickly, a wave of fear constricting her chest. If he saw her, he would try to talk to her. If he talked to her, he would ask what was wrong. And if he asked that—well, she didn’t want to think about what would happen then. She had been meticulously building a wall around the details of the party. She might not be able to escape what happened but she could bury it. It was too soon though, everything was still too close to the surface. A concerned look, a gentle question from him could easily bring it all back up. She would rather be friendless forever than have him know how badly she had fucked up.

He looked for her. Against his better judgement he found himself hoping to bump into her in the hallways or on the way to class. He knew she was done with him but a small piece of him held out hope that she might change her mind. He didn’t deserve it. He had been selfish. He had always been selfish. Always asking for more understanding, more forgiveness than he himself was willing to give. All schoolchildren learn the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. He thought he’d like to be treated kindly but for some reason he could never make it work. He was always upsetting people, making his mother cry, making his father angry. His very existence seemed to be an insult to order. He broke everything around him—rules, dishes, his mother’s heart. She had whispered that to him one night, after the storm of his father’s attention had passed.

“Please, won’t you try harder? You’re breaking my heart.”

He had been eleven and knocked over a glass of milk at dinner. He had just started a growth spurt and his limbs were suddenly long and difficult to keep track of. He hadn’t responded, only bitten his lip to stop from crying while she splinted his broken fingers. He did try harder but it was never enough.

He was an adult now and could rationally view the things that had happened to him as just that—things that were done to him, that he had no control over. He knew now that he hadn’t caused the drunken rages and hostile silences. He knew it was wrong that the only affection he had gotten at home had been the twisted love of a soft hand wiping blood from his face. He knew in his mind that it wasn’t his fault. But he believed, in a deep, unreachable place in his heart, that it was. So he hadn’t been surprised when Emily turned her back on him, finally tired of his weakness.

He spotted her in class, seated in the back, hood pulled up and face pale. She stared vacantly at the board at the front of the room. Her fingers twisted in her lap, nails digging roughly into skin. He willed her to look his way but it didn’t happen. He desperately wanted to undo the past few days. He wanted to tell her about the blueberry scone he tried that morning. He wanted her to laugh at him when he mispronounced the German terms in their psychology textbook. He almost walked over to sit next to her but he was too afraid she would tell him to go away again. He sighed and headed to a seat on the opposite side of the room. Class began and he did his best to pay attention to the review for their upcoming test. The next time he risked a look in her direction, her seat was empty.

Days turned into weeks. She got better at avoiding him. She arrived later and later to class. Sometimes she didn’t make it to class at all. She started eating in a different dining hall. Not as good as Powell; the food here seemed like it sat under a heat lamp for too long. She wasn’t hungry anyway. Nothing tasted right and she’d started feeling sick most mornings. The vodka she drank every night probably wasn’t helping. She was vaguely aware this was a bad habit to indulge but she wasn’t able to sleep without it. Each time she laid down, the images she’d been working so hard to push away returned to taunt her. They played in her mind like a movie and she screamed at the foolish actress to be smarter this time but it never changed. However, if she could get enough liquor in her system, she fell asleep too quickly for the movie to get started.

One day she sat at one of the tables in her new dining hall ignoring a cold slice of pizza in favor of iced coffee. She considered whether she should start spiking her coffee. It would be a risky move. She didn’t interact with anyone closely enough to worry about getting caught but she also didn’t want to completely flunk out out of school. Doctoring her midday drinks seemed a short road to disaster. The only thing she could imagine that was worse than what she was doing now was going home to face her mother, a college dropout and certified failure.

Still, the idea was alluring. It would soften the edges of having to be around all these people. She’d become jumpy, shying away from any contact or attention. She was always on guard, searching the crowds of students for danger. Though she'd watched that night replay over and over she wasn’t sure what he looked like. Now any medium-tall, blondish-brunette, dark eyed man could be the one. She hated the feeling and was upset with herself every time she froze like a rabbit before a wolf.

Deep in thought she didn’t hear anyone approach. She only noticed their presence when a hand ran across her shoulder blades, lingering a moment before the owner sat in a chair opposite her. The recognition was immediate. She wondered how she couldn’t remember his face before now, the details were all so familiar. She stared at him, eyes wide with shock.

“I thought that was you.” He smiled as he said it, as if they were friends meeting each other casually.

She didn’t say anything, barely even breathing. She could hear her blood rushing around in her ears, unclear on where it should go to escape this nightmare.

His smile grew though his eyes were hard. She could see now that they were blue. A dark blue that looked black in the shadows.

“It’s the silent treatment, is it?”

She wondered what he expected. He must have been unaware of the rage burning inside her or he wouldn’t be so relaxed. If only she could make herself move.

“Well, pout if you want to. I don’t mind a little attitude.” He reached out his hand and tilted her chin up, rubbing his thumb across her bottom lip. She wanted to bite him. Her brain was yelling at her body to react, but just like with the girl in her memory, it was useless. Fear had taken over.

He smiled again as he let go. “I’m glad I found you. You left without saying goodbye. Didn’t anyone teach you manners?” It was a threat and he looked into her eyes to make sure she understood it. She glared back but it was too obvious who held all the power. Satisfied he stood up and started to walk away.

“Oh,” he stops, “you left your shoe. Come by whenever you want, Emily. I’ll make sure you get it.”

With that he was gone, passing through the doors and out of sight. She barely made it to a trashcan before throwing up. She hadn’t eaten much over the past day so it was mainly bile, painfully burning her throat. When she straightened up there were people staring at her, disgusted. One girl turned to her friend and made a rude comment that Emily could hear just enough of to know they thought she was drunk. She flipped everyone off and stalked away. She didn’t bother to clear her table, grabbing her bag and heading out a different exit.

Hotch tried his best to remain focused on school. He knew she was avoiding him and reluctantly did his best to make it easier on her. He spent more time in the library (a place she would never go without him) and was careful to sit towards the front of classes they shared so she could hide in the back. He didn’t venture to her side of the dorm building though he had been tempted to ask her roommate how she was doing. From what he could see, not well. It hurt his heart to ignore her but he wanted to respect her wishes. She told him, very clearly, to leave her alone so he would. Classes kept him busy enough and he fell back into old habits—forgetting to eat, staying up all night studying, not talking to anyone for days at a time. He was too young for them to be called frown lines but his face was developing permanent grooves around his mouth and between his eyebrows.

He was walking towards the library when he saw her. She moved quickly, head bent, hair flying wildly behind her. She was visibly angry and people moved out of her way on the path. As she got closer, he thought about stopping her, insisting on offering whatever comfort he could provide. She was past him before he even finished his thought. She didn’t see him standing on the side of the walkway.

She didn’t see anything through the all-consuming rage driving her forward. She wasn’t sure where she was going but she knew she needed to hurt something. She could see his smug face floating before her and she wanted to break it. If she could, she would kill him without hesitation. But she couldn’t. She was too weak. Too weak to even say anything to him when given the chance. This unpleasant thought slowed her down. She was reminded that all this had happened because of her. There was no point in hurting him when she would still be the same person who was naive enough to let this happen. The only worthwhile person to hurt was herself. She was the real problem. With that realization, she changed direction, heading back to her dorm and the bottles she’d hidden there.

It took talent to maintain a level of inebriation that kept her just beneath the surface of reality without destroying her physically. Here she couldn’t feel enough to care, every responsibility and unwelcome emotion just slid away. She could walk to class (when she bothered to go) without feeling people’s eyes on her, oblivious to their judgement. Sometimes she got tired on the way and laid down on a bench or under a tree instead. Occasionally she fell asleep and was out until the chill of sunset woke her. Part of her knew this would be the end of her but if she was being honest, that was probably for the best. The world didn’t benefit from her presence, it certainly wouldn’t notice her absence.

Even in the permanent fog she had been cultivating, Emily could tell something was off. She didn’t want to believe it. She had been desperately hoping it wasn’t true. She was late all the time. The word ‘stress’ didn’t even begin to cover how she had been feeling. There were a dozen explanations that didn’t involve this. Please, please, she begged, anything but this. On the sixth week she caved to her paranoia and bought a test. When she asked for a pack of cigarettes to go with it, the clerk gave her a disapproving look.

“Hoping for the best!” She tried to sound cheerful and gave the sour woman a wink. Inside, she felt all her organs turning to stone.

She found a gas station with a single stall bathroom. This kind of thing couldn’t be done in a dorm bathroom shared by half a dozen girls. Not unless you planned on letting everyone else know too. She paced as she waited, ignoring the knocks on the door. When enough time had passed she took a deep breath, briefly closing her eyes and sending one last plea into the universe. When she looked down at it everything went black for a moment. She steadied herself against the graffitied wall, breathing through her nose before looking again.

Positive.

She bit down on the back of her fist to keep from screaming. Whoever was at the door was knocking again.

“Fuck off!” she yelled back. She looked at herself in the mirror. Get a grip, Emily. She had to get out of there. That was the first step. She would figure out the rest of it after that. She realized she was still holding the plastic test, gripping it so tightly her knuckles turned white. If only she was strong enough to crush it, pulverize it until it was only a harmless powder. She wrapped it in several paper towels, shoving it deep into the trashcan so no one would accidentally see it. Not that it mattered. Did anything really matter at this point? She felt a wave of hysterical laughter threaten to consume her. She had to move faster.

She slammed the door open, making the impatient knocker jump. That gave her some small satisfaction as she sped through the convenience market and out the door. She had gotten the cigarettes open before she got to the end of the block. It took a couple tries to get one lit, eventually having to pause to be able to coordinate the necessary movements. She felt a thin chemical relief immediately begin to soothe her. She was never a big smoker but she’d always found them comforting in times of crisis. The smell reminded her of summer nights and the burning of the smoke in her lungs helped distract her from the thoughts that were trying to consume her.

She walked rapidly back to campus, chain smoking the whole way. She couldn’t focus enough to come up with a plan. She could barely wrap her mind around the reality she was now facing. She felt her skin crawl with the knowledge there was something growing inside her. Something unwelcome and alien. Horrible, undeniable evidence that all her memories were real.

She reached her dorm building but wasn’t ready to go inside. She felt trapped already, she couldn’t bear the idea of being surrounded by walls and people. She collapsed onto a ledge running around a planter beside the entryway. Switching off between worrying her fingers with her teeth and taking drags on her cigarette, she tried to reason her way to calm. She leaned her elbows on her knees and examined the concrete between her feet, trying to remember what people did with problems like this.

“Emily?”

As soon as she looked up into Hotch’s worried face she started crying. She dropped her head into her hands, nearly burning herself. He was the last person she wanted see. She had been working so hard to stay away, to keep her failure to herself. There had been many times over the past weeks she had wished she could find him and beg for his friendship. She’d fantasized about lying, creating elaborate stories to explain her behavior. But she had been too afraid he would see through her. Now he was going to find out anyway.

“Emily, what’s wrong?” He knelt down in front of her, placing his hands cautiously on her knees. “Hey, talk to me. Please?” He pulled the half smoked cigarette from her fingers and crushed it on the ground beside them. She was still sobbing even though she was pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes, trying to hold the tears back by barricade. He waited, staying very still and watching her closely. She slowly calmed down enough to take a few shaky breaths. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and avoided his eyes, looking instead at the hole forming in the toe of her sneaker.

“Emily.”

She shivered involuntarily.

“Look at me.” He gave her knee a little shake of encouragement. The look on her face drove a knife through his heart.

“I really messed up, Hotch.” There was no point in trying to hide it now.

He waited for her to say more.

“I—I—“she stuttered, starting to panic.

He got off the ground and sat next to her, pressing against her side the way she had done to him so many times before. He took her hands between his much larger ones, holding them gently and hoping he was doing the right thing.

“I’m not going anywhere. Take your time.” He tried to sound encouraging and not let the fear he was feeling show in his voice. He was truly alarmed seeing her like this. She was so strong, so fearless. Whatever was going on was not going to be easy to deal with.

His solid presence helped ground her and she relaxed against him a little. She closed her eyes, unsure where to start.

“There’s…a lot.”

He squeezed her fingers encouragingly.

“You remember the night I…when I woke you up?”

She felt him stiffen and she stumbled on quickly before he could change his mind and leave.

“Something…happened. At the party. I was being stupid and I—“ She starts crying again. His brow furrowed as he looked down at her, trying to read more between the phrases she was giving him.

“Oh Aaron. I’m pregnant.”

She folded in on herself again, too ashamed to look at him. The pieces finally fit together—the way she had looked like someone had dragged her down a street, how out of it she had been the next day. He felt a piercing self-hatred realizing it had taken him so long to understand. He had failed her and he would never forgive himself for it. But right now he needed to focus. He didn’t know what to say so he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her upright and gathering her to his chest. She wept into his collar while he smoothed his hand over her hair, again and again.

“It’s going to be ok,” he said, gritting his teeth and praying he could make that true. His mind raced ahead with possibilities—the top of his list was breaking the neck of the asshole that had done this.

She pulled back a little to look at him, finally calm enough to be wary. He looked at her evenly, ready to accept whatever justified anger she was going to direct at him. She only bit her lip and looked away.

“I’m really sorry, Em,” he said, his voice tight. “I should have been there.”

“Do you hate me?” She spoke so quietly he almost missed it.

“What? No, of course not. Why would I hate you?”

She sighed. “You’re mad.”

He put a hand on her arm. “Please, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”

She looked at him closely to see if he was lying.

“I’m not mad at you Emily.”

Mad for her maybe. Mad at himself, definitely. Furious with whoever did this to her. But not at her. The thought that she believed he would be angry with her for being attacked made him sick.

She didn’t look completely convinced but he’d never lied to her before. Accepting that he meant it, she leaned her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes. She’d take what she could get. She was too tired, too afraid to question him further.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you again,” he added fiercely.

It was so easy to make promises at nineteen. He didn’t mean to lie.

~Part 3~

[epochofbelief]

Breath Control Chapter Two

here’s chapter two... unfortunately had to repost these first three chapters bc Tumblr deleted them or something!! 

TWO

“Feyre. Have you done any work for the past hour we have been sitting here?” 

Elain’s voice barely managed to penetrate my thoughts. I looked down at my textbook and shook my head. I had very bad cases of a hangover and a sour stomach. And embarrassment. And a broken heart. 

Thriving.

“Will you please just talk to me?” 

I’d met Elain at the library an hour ago, both of us planning to get some serious homework done before the week got started. I’d managed to tell Elain a little of what had happened last night but she hadn’t pried until now. 

“I don’t think I can talk about it.”

She huffed out a breath. “Feyre. If anyone knows what it feels like to have a broken heart, it would be me. So maybe I could help if you’d just talk to me.”

That’s right. Elain’s ex-boyfriend, Grayson, had broken up with her unexpectedly over the summer. Elain, positive he would be the man she married, and subsequently being denied admissions to the nursing schools she was trying to get into for grad school, had been in bad shape for a couple of months. I wasn’t sure if she was really okay now, or if she was just better at hiding it. She’d attended Mortal University for her undergraduate degree and had wanted to stay there for her masters--and hadn’t gotten in. Luckily she’d applied to Prythian’s school and had been accepted, but it wasn’t where she had wanted to end up at all. Away from her friends and our father, she’d started nursing school at the same time I’d started my sophomore year and I was pretty sure I was her only friend. 

Looked like she was my only friend, too. 

I sighed. Then explained. Tamlin and Ianthe all over each other. My public humiliation. And Rhys, unexpectedly driving me home and taking care of me, which was probably the most unexplainable part of the entire night. I hated it, but Tamlin’s behavior had hurt me but not surprised me. I’d barely said two words to Rhys the entire time I’d been at Prythian. We had a big swim team, about sixty people strong. Rhys and his friends--Cassian, Amren, Azriel, and Mor--were all in the middle distance group. Tamlin and Ianthe were sprinters. I swam distance, for the most part. The different training groups and large numbers made it difficult to bond with every single team member, so I didn’t know Rhys or his group at all. 

“Are you talking about Rhysand Night? That boy is hot.”

I did a double-take. That was a very brazen statement coming from Elain. “When have you ever even seen him?”

She raised her eyebrows. “I’ve been to your swim meets, you know. It’s easy to tell who has the best body and face from the stands.”

I groaned. “He saw me puke, Elain! I drunkenly poured my heart out to him. He must think I’m some kind of idiot. And now I am friendless on the team. Friendless. Especially after Rhys tells all his friends how pathetic I am.” I leaned over and put my face on my textbook. “I should quit now and cut my losses.”

Elain whacked me on the arm. “You most certainly will not quit! That beautiful boy was just--”

“Feyre?” 

I stilled. If I hadn’t recognized that voice last night, I definitely did now. Positive my cheeks were a flaming red, I slowly sat up. 

“Hey, Rhys,” I said meekly, my hand coming up in a very awkward wave. I shoved it back down.

“You ladies talking about beautiful boys? Surely no one around here, right?” He asked smoothly, folding his arms and leaning against a bookshelf.

Thank God Elain blushed for me. “Nobody you’d know.” 

He raised his brows and I prayed he hadn’t heard anything else. “Hey, I was going to text you. . . Then I realized I didn’t have your number. You left your wallet in my car last night… I didn’t find it until this morning. It’s in my backpack. I can go grab it and bring it to you.” 

I couldn’t believe I hadn’t even realized it was gone. “No, no, I’ll come with you. You don’t have to make another trip.” And ignoring his protests I jumped up and took off through the shelves. For some reason, I didn’t want him anywhere near Elain when she was casually throwing about the word “beautiful.” I scoffed. He wasn’t that attractive.

I was halfway through the stacks when I realized I didn’t actually know where I was going. “Uh…” 

“All my friends are over there. Are you sure you don’t want me to just grab it for you and bring it to you here?” 

I stopped in my tracks. I had the feeling he knew I wasn’t in the mood to speak to anyone right now. A mood I had been in for the past few months, but. . . I blew out a breath.  “Um. Yeah. Thank you.”

He squeezed past me, and for a moment I found myself so close to him I could feel his body heat as he turned and sidestepped through the narrow space between me and the shelves. I could have sworn he was holding his breath as he passed, and I had to crane my neck to see his face. Our eyes met. I shivered.

Then he was gone. I blew out another breath and slumped against the shelf behind me. What was wrong with me? I’d been broken up with Tamlin for less than twenty-four hours and I was already noticing other guys. Disgusted with myself, I stared at the titles across from me. 

Rhys was back in less than a minute, my wallet in his outstretched hand. I took it from him, taking extra care not to brush his hand with mine. “Thanks.” 

I made to turn around and return to the safety of Elain’s aura when he reached out and brushed my shoulder. “Are you doing okay? You know, after everything?”

“You don’t have to worry about me, Rhys. You already made sure I got home okay.”

He crossed his arms. “Yeah but I’d kind of be an asshole if I didn’t at least check in. Now tell me. Are you okay?”

His gaze didn’t falter from mine as he looked at me. His gorgeous face was serious. He was really asking. He wanted a genuine answer. Good or bad, he wanted to know. 

“No.” 

And when I turned around, he let me go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Elain and I spent six hours in the library and I skipped out on the girls’ team dinner, claiming I had homework. I spent the evening locked in my room, dreading the inevitable moment when I ran into Ianthe, who was, after all, my roommate. Bitch, I muttered under my breath. 

It was eight o’clock and I had no plans for the rest of my evening, so I changed into my pajamas and flopped on the bed. Fully prepared to spend the night binging a TV show, I retrieved ice cream from my fridge and got under the covers. An hour into The Witcher, I got a text.

Rhysand Night: You’re going to practice in the morning, right?

I frowned. He was clearly texting the wrong person. And how did he have my number?

I opened the text and discovered that he had texted his phone from mine last night… 

Me: I was planning on it

Rhysand Night: Just checking. I know you may not feel like going right now, but I don’t want to see you getting in trouble

Being a part of a college level swim team meant twenty hours of training a week. Practice at 5:30 in the morning most weekdays and again in the afternoon. I didn’t know why Rhys felt the need to check on me--missing practice meant getting chewed out by the head coach. If you missed more than one practice, you got suspended. No way would I blatantly take that risk.

Me: I’ll be there

I shut off my phone and went to bed.

----------------

I barely dragged myself out of practice the next morning. And the morning after that. And the morning after that. For two weeks after Halloween, I ignored Ianthe as much as humanly possible. She made no attempt to apologize. Tamlin had even kept his distance. I showed up at practice, swam (albeit poorly), went to class, went to practice, and went home. I was reaching new levels of anti-social. Elain was busy with study groups and classes and Nesta wouldn’t be in town for another week. She worked as a flight attendant and split her time between our father's and her and Elain’s shared place.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything besides school and swim. The fact that I had wasted a year of my life on Tamlin Spring was tearing me apart from the inside out. And breaking up with him had made me realize all of the things I had wasted my life on for the past year. Why was I pursuing a degree in exercise science when I loved literature and art? Why had I put all my effort into one friendship with a bitch who had stabbed me in the back at her first opportunity? I had no other friends on the swim team I had chosen during my recruitment process, thinking it was the “place for me.” I was in the wrong place, had chosen the wrong people, and was aiming for the wrong future. The worst part was, it was all my fault. My blindness had seeped into every part of my life and I barely knew who I was without my overbearing boyfriend and the friend who had steered me around for my entire college experience.

On Thursday morning, over a week and a half after the Halloween party, Coach King texted me to meet him in his office after my classes for the day were over. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since. An impromptu meeting with Coach King usually implied a fate worse than death. At this point, I deserved anything he had to say to me. My grades had fallen in the past few weeks (I had failed a test on Monday and two quizzes since then) and my training had continued to worsen. 

My suspicions proved correct when I arrived for the meeting and Coach King started explaining the reason he had called me to his office. He mentioned my grades and my training and the fact that I had barely spoken or shown any signs of life at practice for days. He wanted to know what was wrong. He wanted to know what he could do to help. But mostly, he wanted me to fix it--fast. Then he told me he was moving me to the middle distance training group.

“Wh--what?!”

Moving training groups in the middle of the year was unheard of. Potentially season-ending. If he was moving me from distance to middle distance, he was most likely saying I wouldn’t travel or compete for the rest of the year. It took time to adjust to a new training regimen. 

I tried to protest, but he told me he had made his decision and felt I was more cut out for middle distance events anyway. The adjustment wouldn’t be too drastic. And he wanted me to take the rest of the week off and start fresh on Monday. 

That’s the thing about college athletics. Coaches can be great coaches. They can get a team from nothing to something quick if they know what they’re doing. Some can even do that and help their swimmers develop as people, too. But for most coaches, when it came down to it, weakness was weakness, no matter the reason. And I was currently the weakest link on the team. Coach King had to do something about it and this was apparently the best he could come up with.

I mumbled something to Coach King about seeing the sports psychologist and trying harder at the new practices. I felt certain he had vague ideas about the couples on the team, so he probably knew about my Tamlin situation. I didn’t feel the need to mention it to him. I left his office and made it all the way down the five flights of stairs and out the back entrance into the cloudy, chilly afternoon before I allowed myself to cry. 

I had messed up my life so royally that I had no idea how to fix it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Coach King kicked me off the team in a matter of weeks. We had a travel meet coming up, and I felt certain that I wouldn’t make the cut. I’d be stuck at Prythian U while all my teammates that I had developed no relationship with would travel. 

Head down, I was rushing to my car as my tears fell when I ran headfirst into a warm body. 

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry--”

“We have to stop meeting like--Feyre.”

“Rhys.” I kept my eyes on the crack in the parking lot pavement at my feet.

“Are you okay?”

“You’ve got to stop asking me that question! I know you don’t care! Let me deal with this by myself.” I made to push past him but he followed me to my car anyways. 

“Feyre. I do care. I’m your teammate. And it doesn’t seem like anybody else on the team is lining up to ask how you’re doing, so I’m here to do that. I want to help you.” Something in his voice made me pause, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Just fuck off. You don’t even know me.”

He threw up his hands as I struggled to unlock my extremely old Volkswagen with the key fob. My tears and anger were making it very hard to open the door.

“For God’s sake, Feyre! Would you stop being so damn difficult and let someone help you? You’ve been a ghost at practice these past few weeks and Coach King just told me you were moving to my training group.”

I unlocked my car and wrenched it open. “Leave me alone.”

Rhys grabbed my car door and refused to let me close it. I glared at his stupid, gorgeous, violet eyes. “I bet you like this. An excuse to just give up, get yourself kicked off the team. Much easier than having to face Tamlin at practice everyday, much easier than having to make new friends.”

I narrowed my eyes. And slapped him across the face. 

He touched his cheek. A spark of satisfaction lit up against the confusion and depression that lived within my gut. I had surprised him. And shut him up.

“Wow. I guess I deserved that. But you know I’m right.”

And the fact was, I did. He had said out loud what was going on deep inside me, what I was dangerously close to giving in to. I was shocked someone I barely knew could even begin to fathom what was going on so deep within my brain that I had yet to admit it to myself.  But most of all, I was angry. Angry that this boy thought he had some sort of right to me pouring out my heart to him or at the very least accepting his help. He wasn’t a captain. He had no jurisdiction over me. 

“Fine! You’re right! Are you happy now?” I wanted to wipe the smug look off his face. I cast around for something, anything to make him understand even a little bit what I was feeling. “Any other accusations you want to spit at me to make me hate myself more than I already do?” 

His smirk fell. Satisfied once more, I thought he’d let me leave, but he held fast to my car door. 

“Tell me what to do to help you. Tell me and I’ll do it.”

I blinked. I thought he would yell at me some more. I hadn’t expected such an open offer, more raw and entreating than anything Tamlin had ever said to me.

 I hated that my year with Tamlin had made me think that a guy treating me nicely was a rare commodity. I deserved to be treated with more kindness than Tamlin had ever bestowed on me. I knew that, and yet--I didn’t know how to accept that kindness anymore. I was now so deeply confused about myself, my team, and Rhys that I merely stood there, staring at Rhys without really seeing him, and contemplating the nature of my existence for the past year. 

Rhys, appearing to come to the conclusion that I had nothing to say in response to his entreaty, cleared his throat. “I know there’s a team party this weekend, as per usual. But my friends and I are going to hang out ourselves and stay sober since we have a meet the weekend after. I want you to come. In fact, I insist.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he kept talking. “If you don’t show, I’ll tell the captains you haven’t actually been sick or studying during the past two team meetings you’ve missed. I’ll text you the address. Come. Please. We won’t talk about Tamlin or anything difficult. Plus, you should probably meet your new training group.”

That was right. Rhys and all his friends were in the middle distance group. I’d be subject to all of them starting Monday. 

And because I couldn’t think of any excuse, because I couldn’t have the captains knowing the concrete truth about my absences, because maybe somewhere deep within me desired help, I agreed.

[icequeenoriginal]

The Prince of Mean

Summary: Takes place right after Putting Others First, when Roman goes to his room with the knowledge of what he is

Warning: Roman angst, spoilers for new episode, no happy ending, ducking out. self-hatred, putting yourself down, bad choices, heartbroken, self-deprecating thoughts, crying (let me know if I need to add anything else)

Author’s Note: Omg, what an episode, this is definitely one of my favorite ones. We got so much info and this just proved to me more than Roman is definitely not okay. I probably won’t make a reaction post to episode but I putting a pause on everything to write this because I need to get it out of my brain. DM if you want to talk about the episode though

Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9o1QS-itsU If someone makes an AMV with this song and Roman, please send it to me

~

I'm so tired of pretending

Where's my happy ending?

Roman fell to his knees when he reached his room. His palms hitting the floor in a dramatic fashion that would have impressed himself if he wasn’t so upset. Everything, everything was so so wrong. Why couldn’t anyone else see that? He was right! He was the prince! The good guy! He had to be right! ...Right?

I followed all the rules

I drew inside the lines

I never asked for anything that wasn't mine

Roman forced himself and over to his desk. He looks at what littered it: Unfinished ideas, sketches, project ideas. All the hard work he did. Because he was good. He did everything he needed to do. He was a good boy. And yet...

I waited patiently for my time

But when it finally came

He called his name

What was Thomas thinking?! Letting Deceit, or Janus as he claimed, be at the table, and working with them! Virgil warned them against that! He is just trying to protect Thomas. This was clearly a bad idea. He didn’t even come up with it, so it must be. He is the one who comes up with good ideas. That’s who he is. That is his job.

And now I feel this overwhelming pain

I mean it's in my veins

I mean it's in my brain

Roman whipped his eyes as the tears began to form. It hurt, everything hurt. He just wanted to scream, curse, or fight. Thomas and Patton could spin it any way they could. He knew that look in their faces. They were definitely disappointed with him. Or many they did not want him there. It was both. He knew it. Then he let himself cry more. 

My thoughts are running in a circle like a toy train

I'm kinda like a perfect picture with a broken frame

I know exactly who to blame

This was all Janus’ fault. He called that snake out on what he was doing to him and the snake did what he always does. He twisted the situation so that it would look like he, Roman, was the true bad guy. He wasn’t going to fall for it. It was a classic trick all villains use to try and make the protagonist lose all his allies. But Thomas was smart enough to figure it out, sooner or later. Patton says he will always need Roman so he won’t push him to the side. ...Right?

I never thought of myself as mean

I always thought that I'd be the queen

And there's no in-between

Why was everyone glaring at him when he said it? He was just laughing, it wasn’t like he hadn’t done it before? But...they told him to stop during the first time with Virgil? He really can’t stop being mean, can’t he? He just a big fat meanie who will always be this way. He is just like his brother, isn’t he?

'Cause if I can't have that

Then I would be the leader of the dark

And the bad

Roman sat on his bed and just...thought to himself. He through all of his memories of how he is with everyone. The name-calling, the dismissals, his behavior. Wow, maybe he was the evil twin after all, and Janus was right. Wow. Everything is truly falling apart in front of him. Perfect.

Now there's a devil on my shoulder

Where the angels used to be

And he's calling me the king

There are four spots. That was how it always was. They were the core four. But now there were five? It doesn’t work, it’s uneven. Thomas’ living room isn’t big enough. They all have to squish together. Unless someone left. It made the most sense. Someone would have to go. 

Being nice was my pastime

But I've been hurt for the last time

And I won't ever let another person take advantage of me

Why could he never do anything? Why was he always in the wrong? He could never pick a side without everyone tell him that it was the wrong side. He switches, he has now tainted that side and made it wrong. He was just wrong. When everyone hated Janus, he was the only one to agree with him? He was the one who played into Janus’’ hand. And now hating Janus was wrong?! Maybe they are just looking for reasons to hate him.

The anger burns my skin, third-degree

Now my blood's boiling hotter than a fiery sea

There's nobody getting close to me

They're gonna bow to the Evil King

How would he be like as a dark side? Could he even do it? Working with his brother, wearing black? Not seeing his family again? No, he couldn’t do it.

Your nightmare's my dream

Just wait until they fall to my wicked schemes

Roman knew it was selfish, that him getting the boot from the light sides was not something he could deny. But he didn’t want that. He liked being a good guy. He liked all the fun things he got to do with Thomas and the others. He did not want to give it up. He wanted to do what Thomas needed but he didn’t want to lose what he had. Roman groans and leans back, laying on his bed. There was nothing he could do.

I never thought of myself as mean

I always thought that I'd be the queen

Wait a minute...

And there's no in-between

'Cause if I can't have that

There is something he can do.

Then I would be the leader of the dark

And the bad

Now there's a devil on my shoulder

Where the angels used to be

And he's calling me the prince of mean (calling me, calling me)

He just hopes Virgil doesn’t get mad at him for stealing his idea.

The prince of mean (calling me, calling me)

The prince of mean (calling me, calling me)

Roman sighed, he accepted his decision. And this time no one was going to influence his choice, much less change it.

Something's pulling me

It's so magnetic

My body is moving

Unsure where I'm headed

Roman looks up at the knock of the door. “Kiddo? Can we talk?” He put a pillow in his face to muffle his batted breath. 

All of my senses have left me defenseless

This darkness around me

Is promising vengeance

“Kiddo?” Patton asks again, shaking his doorknob. Thank Zeus he always makes sure it’s locked. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Patton’s voice sounded a bit desperate, maybe he knew what he was about to do. 

The price that I'm willing to pay is expensive

There's nothing to lose

When you're lonely and friendless

“I’m fine Padre” Roman replied, make sure his voice sounded as normal as he could, even holding his breath when he felt it about to break. When Patton tried to continue, Roman was quick enough to cut him off “I just don’t want to talk right now? I just need to be alone.”

So my only interest is showing this prince

That I am the queen

And my reign will be endless (endless)

Patton sighed from behind the door, he knew he wasn’t going to get through to Roman. He understands about needing space to process his emotions. “Okay kiddo, just call me when you are ready to talk”. 

I want what I deserve

I want to rule the world

Sit back and watch them learn

It's finally my turn

“Will do!” Roman shouted and waited for Patton’s footsteps to descend down the hallway. He had a lot of work to do and needed to so before he got too tired from all this crying he was doing. He first sent all the work on his desk to the Mind Palace. That was a place anyone can go to. If anyone cared enough to look for him, they have those ideas. It should be enough so no one will come looking for him. Not like they would anyway.

If they want a villain for a king

I'm gonna be one like they've never seen

I'll show them what it means

He summoned plenty of food, water, and movies to keep himself occupied so he would have no reason to leave his room. It was proud of his ability to do so with so many tears falling. He then ripped off his prince outfit, he didn’t deserve it. Like he didn’t deserve his famILY, or Thomas’ praise or anything. 

Now that I am that

I will be the ruler of the dark and the bad

'Cause the devil's on my shoulder

Where the angels used to be

Lastly, wished them all well. He summoned a flower and picked off a petal “To Patton, I won’t get in your way anymore.” Pluck “To Logan, you never have to deal with me again.” Pluck “To Virgil, I won’t annoy you again.” Pluck “To Remus, have fun being the main creativity” Pluck goes the last petal “To Janus, enjoy my spot”

And he's calling me the prince of mean (calling me, calling me)

The prince of mean (calling me, calling me)

Roman climbed under his blanket with a broke smile on his face. This was it. They didn’t want him so he didn’t need them. He could sleep for a very, very long time. He hadn’t done that in a while and boy did he need it. He didn’t have to worry anyone kissing him awake. 

He knew this was the right choice. Now the stupid, egotistical, annoying baby was gone. He finally killed what was making Thomas’ life difficult.

I want what I deserve

[upamongthestarss]

When Love Walked In//Bill Denbrough

a/n: please be kind! this is my first time publishing on tumblr, and i’m not the best writer 💘 oh, and warnings! very mild nsfw, brief mention of self harm (blink and you’ll miss it)

Y/n takes a drag and squirms under Richie’s glance, just knowing that he’s going to pick on her, as per usual.

“Hmmm…. Y/n, truth or dare?”

Figures. “Um, truth.” Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to Richie.

“What was the farthest you and Bill have ever gone?”

Her cheeks turn pink as she passes the joint to Bill, her boyfriend since the age of thirteen. “Well-”

“Was this really necessary, Trashmouth?” Ben interrupts. “I’d much rather not know about my sister’s sexual life, thank you.”

“Close your ears if you want to, Benny,” Y/n giggles while he fumes over the nickname. “Probably just hickeys and groping.”

“Really? You’ve been dating for three years and that’s it?” Stanley raises his eyebrows.

“Okay, St-Stan, y-y-you talk to m-me when you’ve lost your vir-virginity.”

“Come on, Big Bill, we all know you’ve been ready to have sex with her since sophomore year.”

Richie knows he messed up right away, especially as everyone stares at him accusingly- everyone but Y/n, who awkwardly looks around the room and sings under her breath like she didn’t hear.

“N-nice, R-R-Richie,” Bill whispers.

“Bill, I am so sorry.”

Y/n still feigns oblivion and scans the room. “Bev, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” she shrugs, continuing the game. Y/n tries to forget about what happened until it’s time to leave the clubhouse. Her ride, conveniently enough, is Bill.

He didn’t want to leave his car on the outskirts of the barrens, so instead he pedals Silver to the clubhouse and back, with Y/n squeezing the living daylights out of him. It’s a quiet ride back, save the strange, existential comments Bill occasionally makes and her singing Can’t Fight This Feeling on repeat. It’s not until he’s almost back to Y/n’s house that she gathers enough courage to say what she wants to.

Because, in all honesty, she’s been ready to have sex too, just way too shy to say so.

“So… when do your parents come back from their cruise?”

She asks it casually, as if to wonder what day their English test is. In fact, it’s so casual that Bill doesn’t even take the hint (although it may not help that he’s utterly stoned at the moment).

“T-Tuesday.”

“And are you doing anything Saturday night?”

He skids Silver to a stop on the pavement. “No…”

“So what time do you want me to come over?”

*********

Singing happily, Y/n twists the last strand of hair around her curling iron and lets it tumble over her shoulder. She’s struggled with self esteem issues in the past, but she personally thinks she looks beautiful right now. While she puts on her pineapple lip gloss, her brother comes into the bathroom to grab some ibuprofen.

“You look awfully nice to sleep over at Bev’s,” he comments.

She freezes. “Yup….”

“Is there a reason that you’re so dressed up?” he gestures to her lavender party dress.

“We’re, uh, going to see Pippin at the fancy theater,” she fibs smoothly, but her twin sees right through her and smirks.

“Oh, funny, I thought opening night was next week?”

Y/n glares. “Okay, fine, I’m sleeping over at Bill’s, okay? But you can’t tell mom, please?”

“I don’t know, Y/n, this is a pretty big secret to hide.”

“Come on, Ben, I keep all of your secrets!”

He gives a cough that sounds a lot like the beer in my room.

“Hey, that was your own fault for breaking my favourite tape.”

“It was an accident!”

“It wasn’t an accident when you took it without asking,” Y/n puts her hands on her hips.

Ben sighs, not wanting to lose this argument. “How about this- if I get our car for the weekend, I won’t tell mom.”

“But Benny, I need that car to get to Bill’s!”

“You just made things ten times worse for yourself by calling me that. Besides, I’ll drive you there. It’s the car or no deal.”

She knows right then and there that she is out of luck. Her brother cannot bluff for his own life, so she has no choice but to agree.

But she can’t stay annoyed for long because she’s beyond excited for what’s coming. Her knee bounces in anticipation the whole drive, and she even sings along to the radio (which isn’t anything new, except for she’s louder than usual).

When Ben pulls up to Bill’s driveway, Y/n kisses his cheek and hops out instantly. He has to shout for her to come back and grab her duffel bag.

“Be safe!” he tells her. ”Love you!”

“Ben, I LOVE you!” she waves her hand off as he drives into the distance.

Bill’s waiting for her in the doorway, wearing jeans, a flannel, and a smile.

“Hey, Y-Y/n.”

She runs into his open arms and takes in the faint smell of his cologne. She already has butterflies.

“Y-you w-want to order a p-p-pizza, or-?”

“I’m honestly not that hungry,” she admits. “Are you?”

He shakes his head truthfully.

“D-d-do you w-want to go up-upstairs?”

“Sure.”

Bill leads the way to his bedroom, though she’s been there several times. He can’t get her out of his head. Her angelic curls, her dress the color of lilacs. She’s more lovely than a flower. He can hear her singing sweetly as they climb to his room.

“Love walked right in and drove the shadows away. Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day.”

He remembers when she sang that song at her recital last year. It was a true song for both of them.

When Y/n first moved to Derry, people made fun of her brother for his weight and herself for her nose and quirky personality. Her self esteem plunged and she refused to talk to anyone about it. Friendless and hopeless, she would cross-hatch her forearms and eventually stop singing altogether. But then her brother met the Losers, and encouraged Y/n to hang out with them some time. She instantly bonded with Bill, who had low self esteem because of his stutter and mainly because he blamed himself for the death of his brother. With the Losers, Y/n began to feel like she belonged again. She had friends that loved her for who she is- personality and nose included. Bill and her developed crushes on each other and in early August, following the Losers’ brief separation. One night during that time period, they spilled all of their issues on each other. The night ended with an innocent peck under the stars in his backyard. Love walked in and saved them both. After Pennywise was defeated, the two encouraged each other to see a therapist. Slowly but surely, they got healthy, and Y/n started singing again. In fact, she never stops singing now. It drives Ben quite mad sometimes.

She sings better than anyone he knows, and anytime she lets that sweet voice go, he melts.

“I m-made a tape. F-f-for… you know. But I’d m-m-much rather y-y-you sing for us.”

She giggles softly at the thought of her singing while he moans. “A tape sounds wonderful.”

He pops it in his stereo and listens to her gasp in excitement.

“I love Unchained Melody!!”

“Y-y-you don’t know h-how long it t-t-took for this s-song to c-come on the radio. I had to r-r-request it ev-eventually.”

“That’s so thoughtful, Bill.”

Y/n cups his face and gives him an open mouthed kiss. He’s instantly hard.

“I’m ready, Bill,” she whispers.

“Muh-muh-me t-t-too.”

His stutter is evidently worse; he’s nervous out of his mind, after all. But he takes control of the situation, scooping Y/n up and placing her on his bed like she’s the most fragile diamond.

She reaches and grabs Bill by his collar, pulling his lips to hers. Underneath their gasping and the music are their uncontrollable heartbeats. It’s almost as if they’re going to beat straight out of their chests!

Bill pulls away to unbutton his shirt, but Y/n is already on it. When it’s completely open, she pulls it off of his shoulders and squeezes his muscles. He’s so toned from all of the sports he does (mainly baseball), but Y/n always finds herself surprised at how muscular he really is.

He glides his hand gently along her chest, as if she’s his piano, before grabbing her spaghetti straps. He slips them down her arms and ever so slowly pulls the dress down her body. Her chest is braless, and by now he’s practically creamed his pants. His mind is hazy, though he’s completely sober.

Okay, Bill. Think, you idiot. You need to stimulate her now so she can finish later.

He places his warm hands on Y/n’s frigid stomach and feels her tense up.

“Is-is-is this o-o-o-okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just ticklish,” she laughs.

He takes his hand down to her panties and shoves it under them.

Y/n is already in heaven.

******

The pizza man gets quite a shock when Bill opens the door in nothing but his boxers, but he doesn’t give a flying shit. Besides, better him than Y/n, who’s wearing a just flannel with her ass hanging out.

They chuckle about his reaction, devouring the pizza and watching Beverly Hills 90210.

“I never thanked you, you know,” Y/n pipes up during a commercial break.

“For the p-pizza? It was o-only five b-b-bucks.”

“Not for the pizza. For the sex,” she responds bluntly. “That was… incredible. Thank you.”

Bill turns red. “Th-thank you. You w-w-were p-perfect. You a-a-are perfect.”

“I think you’re pretty perfect too,” she grins, giving him a kiss.

Bill smiles at her. He’s never loved someone like this before, spiritually or physically. Sure, he’s jacked off several times (like every other guy in the world), but the pleasure and adoration he received from Y/n just in the past hour was insurmountable. And he can’t wait for the rest of his life with her.

“R-round two?”

Y/n beams, and before she can stop herself, she says the quirkiest thing ever.

“Abso-freaking-lutely.”