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fanofnightz · 5 years ago

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Booze (Part 4)

Nikki Sixx x Reader

Summary: You are the lead singer of the opening act of Mötley Crüe and your band has been touring with them for two months now. After a show, you have an argument with your mum and you find yourself drinking with Nikki on the roof of your hotel which leads to you telling him about your demons. As you wake up on the next day, you ask Nikki to keep quiet about what has happened, regretting that you have told him so much about yourself. After the next show, you start to flirt with Vince to forget about Nikki, but the bass player gets jealous and you end up making out with him and heading to his hotel room, where you experience a hot night. After it, Nikki asks you to stay, but you get scared and leave while he is still asleep.

Words: about 9900

Warnings: coursing, angst, drinking, drug use, fluff, mentions of smut

Note: Guys, I'm so sorry that this took so long! There was so much stuff I had to do and school was very stressful but summer holidays have started now so I'm able to write way more than usual! Also, I had to pick a name for Y/Ns band and I decided to call it "White Riot", after the song by The Clash. I hope this name doesn't suck that much because - as we all know - a band with a shitty name is ten out of ten a shitty band. And by the way: Y/F/N is for Your Full Name.

Taglist: @bandzrus @mrs-bucky-wintersoldier-barnes @swoopygorl @oh-well1 @anxious-diabetic @sharon6713 @pfft-halsey @freddiessmallnipples @crazysaladchopshop @motleycrueee @ikbenplant @waywardprincess666 @fandomshit6000 (Tumblr won't let me tag some people, it sucks... I'm so sorry)

You couldn't sleep the whole night. You didn't even try tho. There were too many things on your mind and you knew that they would've followed you in your dreams.

Instead of sleeping, you paced through your hotel room and tried to figure out what the hell just had happened. You had hooked up with Nikki again, even though you had told yourself to stay away from him. And that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that Nikki had asked you to stay and that he had wanted you to tell him that he would be the only guy you would have sex with.

Nikki knew that you never stayed and he knew that it was impossible for you not to move from one man to another. It was your only way to avoid any kind of feelings. Then why did he ask you to stay?

You remembered the way he had looked at you as you had sat down on the bed next to him. You remembered the warm sparkle in his eyes. And you remembered how tight he had wrapped his arms around you. It had felt way too good.

You couldn't help but feel the urge to go back to him. It would be so easy to go to his hotel room, open the door, crawl into his bed, rest my head on his chest and fall asleep, you thought and remembered that Nikki always forgot to lock the door.

You stopped in your movements as you realized what you just had thought. "Fuck", you mumbled, "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

Your hands clenged into your hair and you started to walk through your hotel room again while you tried to surpress the upcoming panic.

You weren't used to thinking something like this about a guy. You had always avoided thoughts like this, knowing that they only caused pain and disappointment. But now, you weren't able to stop them. Again, you felt Nikkis arms around you and you started to miss listening to his heartbeat while lying on his chest.

You pressed your eyelids together to stop the tears that had appeared in your eyes from falling down.

Since so many years, you had built up walls around your heart, so nobody was able to get in. You had never been in love, had never let anyone get too close to you. The way your mum had fallen apart after your dad had left her had always shown you how bad falling in love was.

But now it seemed like all of your walls were about to fall apart, no matter how hard you tried to keep them up. And the only reason was a specific black haired bass player.

In the night that the two of you had spent on the roof, Nikki had caught you in a moment in which your guard had been down. And instead of leaving and letting you cope with it on your own, he had stayed and he had not only listened to you, but talked about his own demons, too. He had been there for you without making fun of you or getting too close to you. He had been what you had needed.

And because of that night, you felt like there was a strong bond between Nikki and you. The bond had gotten even stronger as he hadn't told anyone what had happened, not even Tommy. Usually, they shared everything. They were closer than brothers, there was no doubt that they were actual soulmates. And still, Nikki hadn't said a word about it to his terror twin.

Nikki must had recognized it too, he must had recognized that there was something in between the two of you, something both of you weren't able to talk about. If not, he wouldn't had asked you to stay.

It felt like something was pressing your lungs together. You were breathing heavily now and you weren't able to hold back the panic for any longer.

For so long, you had kept everyone out. The only exceptions were your bandmates, but there were some huge differences between them and Nikki. Your bandmates were like your brothers and you had known them for a few years before telling them everything about your family and trust issues and about the fact that one of your biggest fears was falling in love. Nikki, on the other hand, was a guy you had met a few months ago and you didn't even know what he was to you. One thing was certain, he was neither a brother nor a friend to you. And you had to take a few deep breaths as you had to realize that you didn't want him as something like that.

It was weird: others biggests fears were spiders, snakes, heights or dying. Your biggest fear was something most people wanted more than anything else: love.

Your whole life, you had only seen the bad sides of love. You had seen the tears and the breakdowns and the way people had changed because love had broken them apart. So being in love was a weakness to you, something that caused nothing but harm. Your mum was your best example, but your bandmates had gone through a lot of bad breakups too and you had always been the one that had to watch them being totally fucked up for weeks. Of course, they had gotten over it, but then they had found another girl and it had started again. How often was a heart able to break before it fell apart completely?

"I'm not going to fall in love with Nikki Sixx.", you tried to tell yourself, "This is not going to happen."

But deep inside, you knew that falling in love was something that was unstoppable, that was the reason why you always kept your distance.

Now you really started to freak out. The tears streamed down your face and you fell to your knees while you desperately tried to catch your breath. A wave of burning hate towards your dad washed over you: if he wouldn't had been such an asshole, you wouldn't break down by the thought of falling for someone.

It took a long time until you were able to breathe properly again and it took even longer until the crying stopped. By the time you had finally pulled yourself together, the sun had already started to rise.

"Okay. I can't turn back time and I can't undo all this shit.", you started to talk to yourself, "The only thing I can do is staying away from Nikki as far as possible, so things don't get worse. How hard can that be?"

With your own words in your head, you started to get some fresh comfortable clothes out of your suitcase and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the 4 to 5 hour drive to Boston, hoping that things would be different after you would have left New York behind you.

You were the last one to join the others in the lobby of the hotel. Even Dan was already there. Your band gave you some concerned looks as you sat down next to Mick and Brian, mumbling a tired "Morning" and resting your head on the shoulder of your drummer because the lack of sleep made it hard for you to keep your eyes open. You hoped that you would be able to sleep a little while being on the tourbus.

Just like yesterday, you didn't look Nikki in the eye. You didn't even look in his direction. What bothered you was that you wanted to look at him, to see if he was looking at you. You had to try really hard to keep yourself from opening your eyes and turning your head, just to take a little glimpse at him.

"You look like you've had a hard night.", Brian uttered and you heard the amusement in his words. You grumbled a little, slipped a little closer to his warm body and tried to bury yourself even more in your warm Van Halen hoodie.

He laughed and you opened your eyes and leaned back to look at him. There was a tired smile on his lips and he covered his eyes with a pair of sunglasses. "Shut up, drummer.", you rolled your eyes and stole his sunglasses to put them on yourself. Then you rested your head on his shoulder again.

Brian started to complain a little while the others started to make fun of him, but you didn't listen. You were way too tired. But then Dan mentioned something that caught your attention.

"Speaking of hard nights", he said, "I've seen Y/N and Vince yesterday. They seemed to be really close." You opeded your eyes fast enough to see the wink Dan did in your direction. Now everyone was looking at you and Vince and you started to get really uncomfortable.

"Yeah, man, I thought I had her!", Vince then laughed, "But then she left me standing!" You heard a few laughters and let out a sigh of relief.

"I told you that she's way too smart to hook up with one of you guys!", Brian commented and you felt that his shoulder shook a little as he laughed.

You managed to smile a little and closed your eyes again, hoping that they would start to talk about something else now, but it got even worse and you tensed up.

"I saw you leaving with some black haired dude.", Chris said, "But I wasn't able to see his face because you were always in the way while you kissed the hell out of each other."

You sat up, looked at Chris and tried not to loose your pokerface. Then you smiled a little and shrugged your shoulders as if you wanted to say that it wasn't a big deal.

You felt Nikki's eyes on you and you started to ask yourself if he was trying to figure out if he should tell everyone. Instead of looking at him, you turned your head to look at Vince, who was sitting right next to Nikki.

"I'm sorry, Vinnie.", you tried to joke, "But I was serious when I told you that you're not my type."

He smirked and winked at you. "It's okay, Y/N. I found another chick, even though I think that you would've been better than her."

You forced yourself to laugh and blew a kiss in his direction and he acted like he was catching it. Then he turned to Nikki and your forced smile faded away.

"Also, I almost didn't hear my girl because there were some really nice noises coming from the room next to us", he uttered with a cheeky smile on his lips.

Now you couldn't stop youself from glaring at Nikki and your eyes met for a few seconds before he looked away to look at Vince. You could've sworn that there had been something like sadness in his eyes and you swallowed hard while you tried to hold back the panic that was coming up again.

C'mon, tell 'em everything, you thought, still staring at Nikki, Tell 'em it was me. Get your revenge for me leaving you in such a cruel way.

But just like yesterday, Nikki didn't say a word about what had happened. "Yeah, I'm glad that I took this girl with me.", he smirked instead and you looked at him in confusion. Why did he still keep his mouth shut after everything that had happened?

He turned away from Vince and looked at you again. You wanted to look away, but your own curiosity made you clenge your brows together while you had a questioning look on your face.

Nikki understood what you tried to tell him and he shrugged his shoulders a little while a helpless tiny smile flashed over his lips. Again, there were so many different emotions in his eyes, but anger or hate were none of them.

You forced yourself to look away. Luckily, nobody had seen your short non-verbal conversation. The others had started to talk about the new music Mötley Crüe was working on and Tommy had started to tell everyone about the fact that he wanted his drumkit to do a 360° turn during his drum solo. Usually, you loved talking about the new music other bands were working on, but not today. You wanted to rest your head on Brian's shoulder again, but then Doc walked over to you to inform you that the two tour buses - one for White Riot, one for Mötley Crüe - were waiting outside, so you had to get up.

As you headed to the big door at the front of the hotel, walking next to the rest of your band, your suitcase in your hand, Doc came up to you.

"Guys, may I talk to you for a minute?", he asked, looking a little more worried than usual. You stopped walking and Doc waited until Mötley Crüe had left the lobby, so he was able to talk to you without them listening.

A bad feeling started to build up inside your stomach as you saw that Doc held a rolled up magazine in his hands. As you took a closer look at it, you saw that it was one of the most popular ones - it was infamous for it's tearing articles about celebrities.

"It's about the thing with my mum, isn't it?", you asked and felt the concerned looks of your bandmates on you. You felt like in the last few days, they were only concerned about you.

"It is.", Doc sighed, handing you the magazine, "It's on page 34. It's not that much, but it's enough. We've got the roadie fired that told the press about the incident, but that doesn't do anything at all."

You didn't know what to say, you just stared at the cover of the magazine: Bruce Springsteen smiled up to you, guiding his hand through his black hair. Your hands were shaking a little, but your voice was clear and firm as you looked at Doc again. "The plan stays the same? Ignoring every question and acting like it never happened at all."

Doc nodded. "Yes, the plan stays the same. If everything goes well, everyone will have forgotten about it in a few weeks."

"A few weeks.", you repeated, "What are a few weeks, right?"

"Are you gonna handle this?", your manager asked now and he looked truly worried about you.

No, you wanted to answer, I can't handle this. This is too much. I just want to hide away and cut off the whole world for at least ten months.

But the truth wasn't an option, so you took a deep breath and nodded while you smiled a sad smile. "I can handle this."

Family issues at Mötley Crüe concert! Does the lead singer of their opening act have proplems with controling herself?

Mötley Crüe is - as we all know - a band that's infamous for their scandals and for their destructive lifestyle. A week can't go by without another unbelivable story about the metal band, formed by Tommy Lee (drums), Mick Mars (guitar), Nikki Sixx (bass) and Vince Neil (vocals) in 1981. But does their bad behaviour now rub off on other bands?

White Riot, formed in California in 1976 as a typical high school band has been their opening act for two months now and it seems like they've grown to Mötley Crüe's lifestyle really fast. The band, that's slowly getting very popular in the music industry, has been mentioned several times now after incidents that definitely go by the handwriting of Mötley Crüe (wrecked hotel rooms, riots, arrests and lots of fights, just to name a few things). Now it seems like their lead singer, Y/F/N, has gotten agressive towards her own mother. But what happened? A safe source told us everything.

It happened backstage in the evening of July 18th after White Riot opened up for Mötley Crüe's first night in New York. White Riot did a great show, lots of people told us. But a surprise was waiting for Y/N: her mum had decided to visit her, bringing another surprise with her - her fiance. "She (her mother) looked really happy as she arrived backstage.", our source told us, "They seemed to be really in love. You looked at them and you immediately wished them the very best." But apparently Y/N didn't approve to the luck of her mother. "She started to freak out, screamed at her mum, threw a bottle of Whisky against the wall - she was really drunk already - and she told her mother to stay away from her. She didn't even try to be happy for her. Then she walked away.", our source explained, "After that, her mother broke down crying in the arms of her fiance, asking everyone what she did wrong."

Until now, it's unclear why Y/N reacted like this, but we're certain that the life on the road with Mötley Crüe is one of the reasons -

You stopped reading and closed the magazine. The article was horrible. And it not only told bad stuff about you, but also about your band and about Mötley Crüe.

There were tears in your eyes and you had to blink really hard to make them go away. Your issues with your mother had always been such a private part of your life - now the entire world was able to know about it just by reading this article. And the worst part was that it seemed like everything was your fault.

This stupid roadie! You felt the sudden urge to punch him in the face for telling this stuff to the press.

To your own surprise, you didn't care much about the fact that your mother had broken down crying after you had left. She had always been a big drama queen, looking for attention wherever she was.

"Can we read it?", Chris, who was sitting on the red couch of the tour bus, asked carefully and you nodded and handed him the magazine.

"You'll get asked about it sooner or later anyway, so it's better if you all know what it says about us.", you shrugged your shoulders. Your voice was quiet and broken, you didn't have the strength to act like you were able to brush everything off as if it was nothing at all.

Chris skimmed over the article for a minute, the he gave the magazine to Brian while he shook his head in disbelieve. "This is disgusting.", he mumbled and Brian nodded in agreement.

Nobody said a word while Dan read the article, so it was weirdly quiet. The only things you heard were the engine of the bus and the radio, that played an old song by the Rolling Stones.

"I'm gonna kill every single one of these press-assholes. And I'm gonna kill this shitty roadie. And your mum too.", Dan's angry, growling voice broke the silence.

You had to laugh a little and it was your first real laugh that day. "Even though I like the thought of this, I really think that it would make things even worse.", you said.

"I don't care. They deserve nothing but the worst for writing this shit.", Dan replied, eyes filled with anger.

Your other bandmates started to talk about the article too, but you stopped listening. You just wanted to make everyone forget about it, including yourself. After a solid five minutes of them complaining about the press, you got up from the table you were sitting on and walked over to one of the bunk beds in the back of the bus.

"What are you doing, Y/N?", Brian, who had recognised that you had walked away, asked and you turned around to look at him with tired eyes.

"I'm going to sleep a little bit.", you answered, "At the moment, that's the best thing I can do."

Your bandmates all looked at you with some kind of sadness in their eyes, as if you were a lost puppy without a home, so you turned away again and lied down in the bunk bed at the very end of the bus, face to the wall, so you didn't have to see their pitying looks.

They were talking a little more quiet now, so you didn't understand what they were saying and you were glad about that, because you knew that they were talking about you.

You closed your eyes and the sounds of the road slowly made you fall asleep, but you couldn't stop yourself from feeling Nikki's arms around you again, so warm and strong and save, as if they were able to keep all the bad news away, just by holding you tight enough.

Another city, another hotel, another venue to play at. It was about two o'clock as you arrived at the hotel in Boston and the others went straight to the restaurant to get something to eat. Everyone was starving for some food after the long drive.

You didn't even think about going with them. You had slept through the whole drive to Boston, but you still were really tired and wanted to get as much sleep as you were able to because you knew that you wouldn't get that much sleep in the next night. You also didn't want to be around the others. You were certain that Mötley Crüe knew about the article by now and you didn't want to be asked about it for any longer.

You got the keys to your hotel room from Doc and ignored the pitying look on his face. Everything would've been so much easier if everyone just would've acted like nothing had happened.

In your hotel room, you put your suitcase down next to the bed and looked around the room for a minute. White walls, light brown furniture, white carpet - nothing special. The only thing that was different to other hotel rooms was the fact that you had a little balcony, but you were way too lazy to go outside. You had to be down in the lobby again in about 5 hours, so you had lots of time to relax a little, before you had to surround yourself with other people again.

The first thing you did was calling the roomservice and ordering a pizza. You didn't have any breakfast, so you were really hungry. Then you turned on the TV, hoping that something good was on. You ended up watching Looney Tunes.

As the roomservice knocked on the door, you stood up with a sigh and opened the door to get your pizza, but you froze in your movements as you saw Tommy, leaning in the doorframe and smiling at you sheepishly.

"Tommy? What are you doing here?", you asked in confusion, immediately thinking about Nikki and hoping that the bass player still hadn't told anyone about what had happened.

"You were the only one who didn't come with us and your bandmates were a little worried about you.", he shrugged his shoulders, "And they knew that you didn't want to see any of them at the moment but they didn't want you to be alone, so I offered to go and keep you company. Nikki wanted to go first, but he's a little moody today and we didn't want you to get even more grumpy."

You tensed up a little as the younger Terror Twin mentioned Nikki, but there was something about his boyish smile and his honest eyes that made you relax again, so you stepped back, let him in and closed the door behind him.

You were unsure what to say. You had talked to Tommy a lot in the past 2 months and you had done a couple of stupid things with him, like breaking into empty buildings or going on booze runs that had ended with him and you being lost in the city and having to call a really annoyed Doc to pick you up (Mostly, the conversations went like this:"Doc, you have to come and get us." "Where are you?" "Ok here's the thing..."). But this time, it was different. The two of you were alone, mostly sober and you really weren't in the mood for having fun.

"So", you started because you wanted to get it off the table, "you know about the article?"

You knew that he knew, so it wasn't really a question and he nodded, looking down on the ground with his hands in the pockets of his pants.

"Yeah, I've read a little bit of it.", he admitted, "But I couldn't stand the bullshit for long. All this talking about us being a bad influence and you being the bad guy of the story..." He shook his head and you bit your lips by the thought of everyone knowing about your problems with your mum.

"I mean", he went on talking because you still didn't say a word, "of course, we are a bad influence, but White Riot didn't need any influence, you were like this right from the beginning. And I don't believe that you were mad at your mother without a reason. I got to know you really well in the past months and you aren't like this at all."

He looked into your eyes now and you nodded. "I don't really want to talk about it.", you mumbled, "Let's just say my mum's a bitch and I got tired of her bullshit."

Tommy nodded in agreement and the two of you were quiet for a few seconds, then his eyes fell on the TV. "Hey, you're watching cartoons!", he called out and a smile was on his lips now. You immediately felt a little better, knowing that Tommy was completely okay with just knowing a little bit of the truth and that he had gone back to his normal outgoing self.

"Yes, I kinda got stuck on them.", you smiled and Tommy walked over to your bed to sit down on it, smiling like a little kid.

"I used to watch them every day when I was little.", he explained with shining eyes and again, you understood why so many people liked to be around the drummer. He was a walking sunray, he was the life of every party, he made the people come alive.

Just like so many times before, you thought of the fact that Tommy was the complete opposite of Nikki: where Nikki was dark, Tommy was light. They were like night and day, like yin and yang. They were so different and still, they belonged together.

"Me too.", you admitted and you felt yourself getting a little more happy. The presence of the drummer, who was just 2 years younger than you were, stopped the dark thoughts in your brain from taking you over. But it was nothing like it had been as Nikki had kept you company on the roof. You weren't drawn to Tommy like you were drawn to Nikki. With Tommy, it felt like you were with a really good friend, with Nikki, it felt like you were with... something else.

"So", Tommy's voice made you stop thinking about Nikki, "do you want to stand there by the door or do you want to come here and watch Bugs Bunny giving hell to Elmer Fudd?" He smiled and patted the mattress.

You took a step in his direction but then it knocked on the door again, so you turned around and opened it. This time, it really was the roomservice and you grabbed the plate with the pizza with a thankful smile on your lips and tipped the guy of the hotel staff a few dollars. Then you closed the door again and turned around to Tommy. "Pizza!", you smiled and held up the plate. Tommy's smile got even wider.

You walked over to him, sat down on the bed and put the plate in between the two of you. The pizza had already been cut into slices, so both of you grabbed one and started eating while your eyes were glued to the TV as if you were six years old again.

Your afternoon turned out to be not as bad as you had expected it to be. You joked around with Tommy, laughed at the cartoons that played for almost two hours and ordered another pizza because the first one hadn't been enough for two persons. Tommy turned out to be someone you really enjoyed talking to. Of course, you had done it a lot before, but you had been drunk most of the time. Now you discovered that you also liked talking to him when you were sober. You felt like your friendship with the drummer had gotten much stronger during the afternoon.

When it was time to get ready, Tommy gave you a tight hug and left, not saying a word about the article or about anything that had to do with it, but the way he had held you in his arms had told you everything he didn't say because he knew that you didn't want to hear it.

You got some fresh clothes out of your suitcase (black leather pants and a white Rolling Stones top) and got ready for the show, hoping that nobody would try to talk to you about the article you desperately tried to forget.

Just like you had done it in the morning, you arrived in the lobby as late as possible. Everyone was already waiting for you and Doc looked at you like he wanted to say something, but not a single word left his lips. You rolled your eyes at him.

Tommy walked over to you with a wide smile on his lips and put his arm around your shoulder. "Ready to rock Boston?", he asked and you immediately felt a little more comfortable because he seemed to be the only one that treated you like nothing had happened. And that was exactly what you needed.

"I was born ready, baby.", you put on a smile and put your arm around his waist.

"Can we leave now or do you two want to have a quickie in the bathroom first?", a voice you knew all too well disturbed your conversation with Tommy and your smile faded away. You looked at Nikki in confusion and saw that he was rolling his eyes. He seemed to be slightly annoyed.

"Look what you've done, Nikki!", Dan walked over to the bass player and gave him a warning look, "Your killing the good mood of our favourite girl!"

You forced yourself to smile at Dan, ignoring the way Nikki furrowed his brows. "Ok, dumbass, if you don't stop this shit right now I'm gonna punch you in your pretty face!"

Dan stuck his tongue out in your direction and this time, your smile was real. Doc, who had recognized that the autmosphere was a little better now, started to shoo you outside. "How old are you guys? Seven?", he asked Dan and you, "Get your asses in the vans now, you have to be at the venue in fifteen minutes and the traffic is a nightmare!"

He was right, the traffic was a nightmare, but you managed to be just five minutes too late and that was almost considered as early when you were on tour with Mötley Crüe.

You did a little bit of soundchecking and you tried to stay concentrated, but Mötley Crüe had decided to watch you rehearse because they had nothing better to do, so you were a little distracted. Of course, they had watched you perform and rehearse at least fifty times already, but it was different now. All the way through, you felt Nikki's eyes on you and whenever you got weak and looked in his direction, he was staring at you with furrowed brows, as if he was trying to figure something out.

You couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief as you finished rehearsing and were able to leave the stage to go to the dressing rooms.

You sat down in front of the big mirror and one of the assistants started to do your hair and make-up. She wore a short leather skirt, high stilettos and a tight off-shoulder top and she looked more like a groupie than she looled like an assistant. She was talking all the way through, telling you how her day had been and how exited she had been because Mötley Crüe was one of her favourite bands. After two minutes, you were already annoyed by her and it got even worse as she started to tell you that she's always had a big crush on Nikki. Then she didn't stop gossipping about him, as if she didn't knew that everyone was able to hear her.

As she began to tell you that she had a friend who had slept with Nikki once and who had told her how good he was in bed, you couldn't stand her talking for any longer, so you told her to shut up. She did, but until she had finished your hair and make up, she looked at you like you had just become her archenemy. As she was finished, she left immediately. Good.

You stood up from your chair and looked at the rest of White Riot. They had been ready a little earlier and had been waiting for you.

"What the hell was this chick.", Chris asked with an amused smile on his lips.

"Hot as fuck, but even more annoying.", Brian laughed and shook his head.

"Well, I still would fuck her.", Dan admitted and you rolled your eyes at their conversation.

"You fuck everything that has a pussy and that's willing to fuck you.", you then laughed while your bandmates stood up too.

"That's...", Dan wanted to defeat himself but then he nodded a little, "That's kind of true, actually."

You laughed even more and started to make your way to Nikki's dressing room, where Mötley Crüe had wanted to meet up to have a drink with you before you had to go on stage. Actually, you didn't want to go - Nikki's bad mood was something you didn't want to cope with today. But you also didn't want to be alone, so you had no choice but going with the others.

You opened the door to Nikki's dressing room without knocking and walked into the room with a wide smile on your lips. Of course, the smile wasn't real, but you didn't want the others to ask you if something was wrong.

Mötley Crüe sat on two big leather couches in the middle of the room, each of them had a bottle of Jack Daniels in their hands and a groupie next to them. Next to Nikki was, to your surprise, the annoying assistant. Didn't she have some assistant stuff to do? And wasn't there a phrase in the contract for new assistants where it said that they weren't allowed to start a thing with the bands or artists they had to work for?

Nikki had his arm around her and she played with his hair while he wispered something in her ear. You had seen stuff like this a hundred times and at first, you didn't know why it hurted a little, but then it came to your mind again. Nikki had asked you to be only his when it came to flirting and touching and sex, but he himself didn't seem like he wanted to do the same for you.

And then you recognized that you weren't allowed to be mad at him. You were the one that had left him and you had never said yes to his demand. Why shouldn't he flirt with another girl?

Still, you felt something burning in your chest. Something that you had never felt in this kind of way. Something that made you take a big sip of the beer you held in your hand. Something like... jealousy.

You hated yourself for this jealousy. You shouldn't be jealous. Nikki shouldn't be the reason why you felt like this. Still, you let the jealousy take over your body. With fast steps, you walked over to Tommy and sat down on his lap.

"You alright, T-Bone?", you asked and put your arm around him. In the corner of your eye, you saw that Nikki was looking at you now.

"Always alright, sweetheart.", Tommy replied, taking a sip of his Whisky.

Brian sat down next to Tommy, putting his arm around the groupie that had lost the other drummer's attention. "Did you have sex when Tommy was in your hotel room this afternoon or why are you so fucking close now.", he asked jokingly.

"We're best friends now, Bri.", Tommy replied laughing, "Get over it."

"Yeah, friends with some benefits.", Nikki grumbled quietly, but everyone had heard him and he rolled his eyes as everyone looked at him.

"Dude, are you jealous or something?", Tommy asked in confusion. "Because you don't have to worry, you'll always be my number one.", he then added and laughed. Nikki just rolled his eyes again and held up his middlefinger.

You smiled a little because you realized that Nikki was even more jealous than you had been, but then the smile faded a little as you remembered that you had wanted to keep some distance to him. Still, you sat on Tommy's lap, just to get his attention. You were pathetic.

During the show, you weren't really there. You sang your songs, danced around, messed with your band and did everything you usually did, but in your mind you were something else, even though nobody noticed.

You couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened in the last few days. Your mum, the night with Nikki, the flirting with Vince, the next night with Nikki, the article, the fact that you had found a new great friend in Tommy and that you had kind of used him, just to make Nikki jealous.

It was crazy, but while performing, you had some time to think it all over. Being on stage cleared your mind, made you come alive. It helped you to keep your thoughts straight.

You came to the conclusion that you were a bad person when it came to loving. You kept coming back to Nikki and you always put his hopes up by letting him get close to you, but you knew that you would never be able to be with him without destroying both of you. And the fact that you still kept on being close to him and making him want you, even though you told yourself to stay away from him, made you a bad person, you thought.

You ended your last song and told some Thank You's to the crowd, then you left the stage. Your band was pumped as always, a little high and drunk and happy because you had done a great concert. They patted your back and told you that you had sung really well, but you didn't really listen to them.

As they wanted to go to Nikki's dressing room again, you shook you head and turned to the right while the others turned to the left. They looked at you in confusion, not knowing why you suddenly didn't want to go back to the other band. "My throat hurts a little.", you lied, "I think I need to relax a bit."

"We can keep you some company.", Brian immediately said and wanted to go with you while the others nodded in agreement, but you shook your head again.

"No", you determinded, "I just need some silence and some time to relax my sore throat. And I don't want to keep you guys from having fun."

"Are you sure?", Dan asked, a concerned look on his face. Just stop being so fucking concerned, you thought because it really got on your nerves.

"Yeah", you rolled your eyes and smiled a little, "I will manage to survive without you guys by my side."

"But not for long.", Dan joked, "You'll definitely miss us."

"A lot.", you replied while turning around to make your way to your dressing room while the others went the other way to party with Mötley Crüe before they had to go on stage.

You let out a sigh and went to your dressing room. You didn't often lie to your band, but when you did, you immediately felt bad for it. But telling them that you didn't want to go with them because you wanted to keep some distance to Nikki was a no-go for you. So you sat down on the little couch in your dressing room and closed your eyes to relax.

You tried really hard, but you couldn't sit still. There was still some adrenaline in your body and you wanted nothing more than jump around the room.

The fact that you were angry at your mum and angry at the reporters and angry at the slutty assistant and angry at yourself made it even worse, so you did the only thing that came to your mind. The only thing that always made you calm down, no matter what. Songwriting. So you grabbed a pen and a crumbled piece of paper from the table and started to think about the lyrics you wanted to write down.

There was so much stuff in your head and there was so much you were able to write about, you didn't even know where to start. Most of all, you wanted to write a song where you called out everyone for their bullshit, including Nikki, even though he didn't really do anything. But you knew that you had to hide the message, because if it would be too obvious, people would start asking things and would start to make assumptions.

Thinking about the song made you forget about all the drama in your life. You got lost in your own words, wrote down lines, crossed them out, wrote down new ones, switched them and crossed them out again until you were satisfied with them. By the time you started to hear Mötley Crüe playing their music, you were already finished with the first verse and started to think about the second one. You wanted to do the chorus at the end, knowing that it was the hardest part for you to write because you had to find lyrics that you were able to repeat during the whole song.

Time went by and soon, you heard Mötley Crüe playing "Looks That Kill". It was the last song they had wanted to play that evening. You continued writing and by the time you heard the band causing trouble in the hallway, you were finished. Well, not really "finished", you still had to talk it over with the band and there a few things you wanted to think over again, but you had written a catchy chorus, a cool bridge and three verses and you were really pleased with yourself.

The door to your dressing room opened and Brian and Tommy stumbled inside. The two drummers were giggling, definitely on coke and way more drunk than a few hours ago.

"I don't care if your throat is sore. There is this huge party going on backstage and I won't let you hide away on your own.", Brian determinded as he saw you sitting on the couch, his voice husky from all the alcohol he had already drunk. "And we will take you with us now, if you want it or not!"

You laughed and put down the pen while you put the paper in the deep pocket of the leather jacket you were wearing. Loosing it would be the worst, so you decided to take it with you in your pocket instead of leaving it in the dressing room.

You stood up and looked at the two drummers with crossed arms, a playful smirk on your lips and a challenging twinkle in your eyes. "What do you want to do if I don't want to come with you, huh?"

"Oh, that's easy.", Tommy shrugged his shoulders. Then he suddenly walked towards you with big steps and with one fast movement, he had thrown you over his shoulder.

"Let me down, chicken legs!", you screamed laughing and moved a little so he lost his balance, but he just laughed and turned around to walk towards the door.

"It's just for your very best, Y/N.", Tommy giggled and patted your ass with his free hand.

"Keep your hands off my ass or I'll fucking kill you.", you grumbled, but you had to smile a little.

"Off to the party!", Tommy just shouted and started to carry you through the long hallways while Brian walked next to him.

All the way to the party, they didn't stop teasing you. One time, Tommy started to spin around in circles to get you dizzy, but the only effect he made was that he almost had to puke.

As you got closer to the big backstage area, you heard the loud music and the voices of at least 70 people. Where did all these people come from? Tommy carried you past some people that shot you weird looks, but as soon as they saw who Tommy was and who you were, they started to get really excited.

"Look who's here, guys!", Brian shouted happily and Tommy stopped walking, so you assumed that they were standing in front of the others now.

"We had to carry her here because she didn't want to go at first.", Tommy said proudly and patted your ass again.

"I'm going to kill you, asshole!", you screamed, remembering what you had said to him earlier, but you laughed while saying it. Tommy finally let you down and you turned around with a cheeky smile on your lips.

You shrugged back as you saw that Nikki was sitting right in front of you, the assistant that had done your make-up next to him, he was glaring death stares at you and Tommy.

You didn't let your smile fade away, determinded that from that point on, Nikki wouldn't be having any kind of affection on your actions.

"So", you smirked, "I was told we're going to party tonight."

This was not how you had imagined the party to be like. You had thought that you would have a great time, drinking and dancing and finding someone to flirt with. Instead, you were on your own, sitting on one of the many couches, taking one sip after another out of the bottle of Whisky in your hand and watching Nikki making out with this slutty assistant chick.

She was sitting on his lap, hands in his hair, moving her hips into his as if Mick wouldn't be sitting right next to them, looking really annoyed. Her tongue was so deep down his throat that you expected it to come out of his ass again.

All of your bandmembers had left with a groupie already, but you were still here. It wasn't like you didn't want to have sex with somebody. You just had a little problem: your band and Mötley Crüe were the only males at this party. Well, there were a few roadies and assistants, but you weren't really interested in anyone of them.

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't stop watching Nikki making out with this chick. And in your head, you had already killer her for at least fifty times by now.

You took another big sip of Whisky as Nikki's hands started to carass her back. Just yesterday, you had been the one he had touched like this.

You tried so hard not to be jealous, knowing that you didn't have the right to be. Knowing that you shouldn't be. Knowing that jealousy was a sign that you liked Nikki more than you wanted to admit.

Suddenly, somebody sat down next to you, making you turn your head to the right and finally giving you an excuse to stop looking at Nikki. It was Vince, his blond hair a little messier than usual and a stain of lipstick on his neck. You had seen him leave with a black haired girl an hour ago.

"How is my favourite female singer doing, huh?", he asked and threw his arm around your shoulder. Then he stole your Whisky and took a big sip.

"Shouldn't you be in your hotel room, fucking that chick you took with you, instead of being here and stealing my booze?", you just asked and let out a sigh.

"Well, I should be, yes.", he nodded, "But this girl was completely insane and I can tell you that I'm into a lot of kinky shit, but she's on a completely different level. So I finished her off in the bathroom and kind of escaped her before it was too late." He laughed and took another sip of your Whisky, so you grabbed the bottle and pulled it out of his hands.

You just started drinking again without saying anything. You weren't in the mood for talking. You eyes found their way back to Nikki and his groupie. Mick wasn't next to them anymore, he must've left because he hadn't been able to be close to them for any longer. Vince followed your look and he must've seen that you were looking at the bass player, but he didn't say anything about it. Instead, he pulled you a little closer.

"Could you please tell me why you're sitting here all by yourself instead of having some fun?", he asked, a cheeky smirk on his lips.

"Fun? Here's no man to have some fun with!", you pointed out and shook your head.

"Well, I would like to have some.", he winked, but you just rolled your eyes. "But", he added then, "I finally accepted the fact that I'm not your type, so don't worry, I won't keep on trying to get you in my bed."

You gave him a weird look. This was really unlikely for him. "What made you change your mind?", you asked, curious why he had given up.

"Well first", he explained, "is there the fact that you have shown me many times that you don't want me and I'm not dumb enough to keep on trying. And second: I've got this thing called dignity." He laughed again and this time, you had to laugh too.

"But I have to admit", he started to talk again, "that it was a lot of fun to make a certain black haired bass player jealous."

You had just taken a sip of Whisky and now you had to cough a little. Then you looked at Vince again, not knowing what to say. You decided to act as if you didn't knew what he was talking about.

"Nikki was jealous of you?", you asked and Vince nodded.

"Did you never see it?", he replied, "He always shoots killer looks in my direction when I talk to you. Same with Tommy. Haven't you recognized how fed up he has been after you had spent your afternoon with our drummer?"

"I had no clue.", you lied while one part of you was happy about the fact that Nikki's jealousy hadn't been a part of your imagination, and another part of you hated everything about it.

"I think he has a thing for you.", he winked and you couldn't help but look at the bass player again. He was giving all of his attention to the slutty assistant on his lap.

"Well, at the moment, it seems like he has a thing for her.", you muttered and it sounded way more bitter than you had wanted it to be.

Vince looked over to Nikki and the girl as well and shrugged his shoulders. "There's a difference between liking someone and wanting to fuck someone."

You looked at him in confusion. "Vince Neil", you laughed, "when did you get so wise?"

"I've got my moments, you know?", he answered and laughed too. He started to talk about something else and you tried to follow the conversation by nodding and mumbling some agreements, but in your head, you couldn't stop thinking about what he had said about Nikki.

As you had finished your Whisky, you stood up to get some more from the room next door. Vince wanted to come with you, but you told him to stay where he was. You needed a few minutes on your own now.

You made your way out of the backstage area, realizing that you had drunk a little more than you had wanted to. It was impossible to walk in a straight line and you felt really dizzy.

You reached the room where they kept the rest of the alcohol, in case the band had drank everything up. It was dark in there and you had to search for a minute until you found the lightswitch. Right in front of you, there were at least 10 boxes of alcohol and you stepped into the small room to get yourself another bottle of Whisky. After thinking it over for a second, you decided to take a second one with you, in case Vince hadn't already left with a groupie again. If he had, then there was more booze for you.

"Are you trying to punish me or something?", you suddenly heard a voice behind you and you flinched and turned around.

It was Nikki, leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed and looking like he was really drunk - just like you. "What do you mean, Sixx?", you asked in confusion. Why did he think that you wanted to punish him?

He let out a sarcastic laugh and stepped inside the room. "Well, first you spend the the entire afternoon with my best friend in your hotel room and after that, you two are so close.", he ranted, "And then you flirt with Vince again."

You rolled your eyes and felt yourself getting angry. "Tommy and I are friends, Nikki!", you tried to defeat yourself, "And I didn't flirt with Vince, we just talked!"

"Well, you looked really fucking close!", he rose his voice, eyes filled with anger.

"You saw that?", you snapped, "I thought this assistant slut had all of your attention. It looked like you would start to take her clothes of right on this couch."

"That's...", he stuttered, "That's a completely different thing!"

"No, Nikki, it's not!", you almost screamed, "You get jealous whenever I'm talking to a guy that's not you and you tell me that you want to be the only one who is allowed to touch me but then you make out with the next girl that's willing to have your tongue down her throat!"

His facial expression changed. "You've heard what I said last night?", he asked sheepishly. You nodded. "And still", he got angry again and now there was something in his voice that made clear that he was hurt, "you left without a word while I was asleep."

You wanted to explain yourself, but you had to realize that he was totally right. You weren't in the position to get angry. He was. "Nikki", you wanted to answer, "I'm so sorry. I..." You didn't know what to say. Saying that you had been scared wan't an option for you.

He looked at you, waiting for you to explain yourself. "I didn't want us to get even deeper into it.", you mumbled, hoping that he hadn't heard you. But he had.

"Get even deeper into it", he repeated your words and rolled his eyes, "Look at us, Y/N! We're neck-deep in already!"

You looked down on your feet, not able to look into his eyes. "We can still go back.", you said quietly. You didn't even know if you wanted to go back to where you had been before. You knew that you were supposed to want it, but that was a completely different thing.

"Do you really think we can do that?", Nikki asked and stepped a little closer to you, "Even if we wanted to. Do you really think we can act like the last few days didn't happen? After we let each other in?"

And that was the moment when you realized that not only you had let Nikki in, but he had let you in as well. And that he was as scared as you were.

"No", you whispered. Going back was impossible by now.

"And actually, it wouldn't change a thing.", Nikki added, "I've had a thing for you way before all of this shit happened."

You tensed up. Hearing Nikki say it was totally different from just assuming it. And it broke your heart.

Nikki hadn't recognized that you had started to tense, so he just kept talking. "Do you remember when we were backstage in Salt Lake City and this asshole came along and started to touch you without your permission? The security immediately ran over to you, but you just punched this guy in the face and kicked him in the nuts and then you walked away as if nothing had happened at all. That was the moment when I realized that I kind of liked you."

"Stop talking.", you mumbled, eyes closed so the tears couldn't make their way down your cheeks.

"What?", Nikki asked, confused by the way you reacted.

"I don't want to hear it.", you said, louder this time, "I can't listen to you talking about it, knowing that I'll never be able to return your feelings without destroying both of us."

You opened your eyes again and expected Nikki to be angry because you had put his hopes up. But instead, he looked at you with something like understanding in his eyes.

"I know that you're scared, Y/N.", he mumbled and his hand caressed your cheek, "But I promise that I won't hurt you."

You shook your head. "But I will hurt you, Nikki!", you said, "I'm way too fucked up to be with someone! Especially with someone who is as fucked up as I am! I'd push you away from me time after time and I'd drag you down with me! We wouldn't survive it!"

Nikki didn't know what to answer. He just stared at you with so much sadness in his eyes that you wanted nothing more than telling him everything he wanted to hear. But you had to tell him the truth.

"I can't be with you, Nikki.", you whispered, "I'm so sorry." You wanted to leave, but he grabbed your wrist, so you turned back to him.

"Then be with me tonight.", he said, looking you straight in the eye, "I'd rather have you like this than not having you at all."

You wanted to tell him no. You wanted to leave and keep your distance to him. But you needed him as much as he needed you, so you didn't have the strength to do it.

That night, you ended up in Nikki's bed again. He held you closer than ever, taking his time, making love to you as if it was his last day on earth. You enjoyed every second of it, pushing away the guilt you felt. As the two of you were finished, Nikki didn't ask you to stay. He watched you leave without saying a word and you left, still so many things on your mind you wanted to tell him.

_________________________________________

Find Part 5 here

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