#i’ll go sleep and wake up normal and very healthy

[2snuffseb]

thinking the usual waterboarding, guns and being beaten up thoughts… sigh!

[solxamber]

Trash Novel Chronicles: Love Triangles and Royal Rumbles - Leona Kingscholar x Reader

When you get isekai'd as the male lead in the novel where your favorite character, Leona Kingscholar is the second male lead, all that's left to do is rewrite the romance!

Series Masterlist

You're just an average person, doing normal human things like eating, sleeping, and, of course, staring at your poster of Leona Kingscholar for three hours straight. Totally healthy behavior. People have hobbies, right? Some knit, some jog, and you…? You defend your fictional lion husband from slander on the internet. You’re practically a digital knight in shining armor.

The story that has consumed your very soul? Oh, just your typical Cliché Villainess Academy Novel: Revenge Edition™. The plot is so by-the-book, it’s basically a war crime against creativity. Female lead? She’s been in love with the male lead since he gave some boring welcome speech that apparently hit her so hard, her brain rewired itself into a romantic mess.

The villainess? Obviously in love with the male lead too, but her one and only goal in life is making the heroine’s existence a never-ending trainwreck of public embarrassment. And the male lead? Sweet summer child. He just wants to get his degree and avoid eye contact with all of these lunatics.

Enter: Leona Kingscholar, the second male lead. The man, the myth, the walking sarcasm machine. He’s there purely to fuel jealousy in everyone else’s love story, but for you? He’s everything. The brooding, lazy, hot second male lead who rolls his eyes at every plot point like he’s just as done with this novel as you are. He has better things to do, like nap, but here he is, dragged into this mess by proximity.

If it were up to you, he and the male lead would run off together, leave the heroine and villainess to start their own hobby club about emotional devastation, and the two guys would live happily ever after in matching beach chairs somewhere.

But no. Instead, you’re stuck reading about her fawning over him while Leona is just… there. Existing. The only thing keeping your interest alive.

And now? Now, your loyalty to Leona Kingscholar is about to pay off. The fan event of the century is just days away. It’s going to be glorious. A whole day dedicated to Leona—merch, fan contests, life-sized cardboard cutouts (which, let’s be honest, you’re ready to risk it all for). You've cleared your schedule, mentally prepared yourself for the inevitable squealing, and created a battle plan for acquiring the best merch before everyone else.

But fate? Fate’s cruel.

You’re casually defending Leona’s honor online as usual, battling some no-name troll who dares to claim that the male lead is "better written." (HA! You laugh in their wrong face.) But then—what’s this? A an likes your tweet about Leona! And not just any author. THE ONE YOU LOVE. The serotonin shoots through you like an adrenaline shot straight to the brain.

Your heart’s racing. You’re vibrating at a frequency only dogs can hear. You leap out of your chair like some majestic gazelle—or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you promptly trip over the plushie army that guards your floor.

Before you know it, you’re tumbling, body flailing like a noodle, bouncing down the stairs in what feels like slow motion. The world spins. Your merch shelves mock you from the distance. You land at the bottom in a heap, your soul floating just above your body.

"Is this… how it ends?" you wheeze, gasping for breath, more in shock than pain. As your vision starts to fade, all you can think is: I never made it to the Leona event….

And with that, you die. Crushed under the weight of fandom.

You wake up, and your first thought isn’t the usual, “Oh, I’ve been isekai’d into a new world, how fascinating, I’ll have time to adjust in a moment of peace and reflection.” No. You wake up and it hits you like a brick: Oh no. Female lead.

But then, a beam of hope breaks through the clouds of despair and shines down on you like a heavenly spotlight: Wait. Leona Kingscholar is here.

Before you can even revel in the thought of being in the same universe as your broody lion crush, reality smacks you upside the head. Loud voices are pulling you back to the scene unfolding right in front of your very eyes.

You blink. Hold on. This is not a bedroom, and this is definitely not a private moment to gather your thoughts like in every other isekai novel. Oh no, you’ve been thrown directly into the group project scene.

You know, the one where the villainess is sharpening her claws on the heroine while Leona watches from the sidelines like he’s two seconds away from a permanent nap? Yeah, you’re smack in the middle of it.

The villainess, looking as pissed off as usual, is glaring daggers at the trembling heroine, who is staring at you with those wide, teary eyes like you’re supposed to swoop in and save her from this verbal smackdown.

And that’s when it hits you: you’re the male lead. The original goody-two-shoes, justice-loving male lead who always stepped in to defend the heroine. The one who got suckered into every cliché moment, complete with sparkles and heroic speeches about morality and blah blah blah.

Not you, though.

You take one look at the heroine. She’s giving you this look like you’re her knight in shining armor, expecting you to throw yourself in front of her and deliver some dramatic monologue about kindness and decency. And you? You're mentally checking out of this scene faster than the speed of light.

Nah. You’re not about that life.

Your gaze drifts to Leona, sitting on the far side of the room, slouched over like he’s wondering why he’s being subjected to this emotional soap opera when he could be napping. His face screams "done," and honestly? Same. He meets your gaze, eyes half-lidded and bored, probably hoping you’ll do the usual male lead routine and put an end to this nonsense.

But oh no, today’s different.

You casually stroll over to where Leona is sitting, ignoring the drama unfolding behind you. With the swagger of someone who knows exactly what they’re about to do is going to blow some minds, you hold out your hand to him. "So, uh… you want to ditch this disaster and go take a nap? Or maybe raid the kitchens? I’m thinking we play hooky and pretend this never happened."

Leona’s eyes flicker with surprise for half a second. The male lead? The goody-two-shoes-moral-compass of the entire plot? The guy who literally lived to stop drama in its tracks? Is offering to blow off this whole mess? He raises an eyebrow, smirking like the cat who caught the canary.

"Didn’t think you had it in you," Leona drawls, but you can tell he’s already down for this. "Alright. Let’s go. If anyone asks, I’m gonna say you dragged me out."

"Deal," you say, trying not to look too smug. And with that, you turn on your heel, and with Leona at your side, you head for the door, leaving behind a shell-shocked villainess and a teary-eyed heroine who’s probably still processing the fact that her supposed knight in shining armor just dipped.

As you and Leona stroll out, you hear the villainess mutter, “What… just happened?” and you can’t help but grin. You may have just turned the plot upside down, but at least you’re doing it in style.

"Hey, Leona," you say, nudging him, "think we can find some of those fancy desserts in the kitchen? I’m starving."

Leona snorts, shoving his hands into his pockets. "If you’re buying, sure."

And just like that, the male lead and the second male lead walk off into the sunset—or rather, the campus courtyard—hand in hand with a new mission: Avoiding all future plot nonsense at all costs.

You’re not sure how you got here, staring at the over-the-top ball decorations like you’ve stepped into a bargain bin fairytale, but hey, life has taken a weird turn lately. You, of all people, are living out the plot of a novel so cliché it makes your head hurt.

But you guess that’s what happens when you get isekai’d into a second-rate villainess story. The only thing missing is a glass slipper and some woodland creatures to sing with.

And of course, surprise! The ball isn’t just some casual evening of sipping punch and avoiding the villainess’s death stares. No, if you don’t nail the ball, you don’t graduate. Because nothing says "academic achievement" like knowing how to waltz while dressed like a background character from Bridgerton.

So here you are, in ball lessons, where everyone is nervously pairing off while you’re trying not to roll your eyes into another dimension. The heroine, with her usual doe-eyed sparkle, gets paired with you first. And let’s be real: she’s either terrible at dancing, or she’s using this as an excuse to get you to hold her close.

But you? Oh no. You’ve read enough of this garbage to know where that’s going, and you have zero interest in playing out the “close embrace, sparks flying, almost-kiss” trope. Absolutely not.

As soon as the music starts, you decide it’s time to act. You let your feet stumble—deliberately, of course—and flail around like you’ve never seen a ballroom floor in your life. The heroine, bless her clueless heart, giggles like she thinks you’re just being cute, but you’re not about to humor this. When the instructor’s eyes lock onto you, you seize the opportunity.

"Oh no!" you say dramatically, throwing a hand over your forehead like you’re in some kind of soap opera. "I’m so bad at this. Could someone please teach me how to dance?"

You pause, glance around the room, and then lock eyes with Leona Kingscholar.

"Leona!" you shout, loud enough that the whole room freezes. "You’re the second prince! You must’ve had etiquette lessons, right? Teach me how to dance!"

The room collectively loses its mind. The heroine looks like you’ve just slapped her with a glove and challenged her to a duel. The villainess is staring at you like you’ve lost your marbles. And Leona? Leona’s expression is somewhere between utter confusion and why me.

Leona leans back, crossing his arms, visibly annoyed. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he mutters, but there’s no denying the faint twitch of a smirk at the corner of his mouth when he sees the heroine and villainess get shoved into an awkward dancing pair together.

Despite his clear irritation, Leona steps forward, because let’s face it, he’s the kind of guy who’ll humor you if it means avoiding worse drama. You slide into position with him, and honestly? You’re in heaven. You can barely focus on your feet, too busy trying to hide your grin while you imagine all the drama this is causing behind you.

Meanwhile, the heroine and the villainess are floundering around, tripping over each other like they’ve got two left feet each. The villainess is grinding her teeth, and the heroine keeps stepping on her toes. It’s a glorious disaster.

Leona, despite his annoyance, is surprisingly good at this. He’s leading with the kind of effortless grace that makes you wonder how someone so lazy can still be so competent at everything. You’re definitely not staring at his sharp features while he dances, not at all.

"You do realize this is a waste of time, right?" Leona grumbles under his breath, his eyes flicking to the chaos unfolding behind you. "Why me, herbivore? You could’ve asked anyone else."

You just shrug, trying not to sound too smug. "What can I say? I have excellent taste in dance partners."

Leona’s brow twitches like he’s torn between smirking and rolling his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night." But the smirk wins out, especially when the villainess and heroine fumble yet again, nearly toppling over each other.

You glance up at him, beaming. Leona Kingscholar might be annoyed, but he’s not stopping anytime soon. And you? You’re just here for the ride, watching the heroine and villainess self-destruct from the safety of Leona’s arms.

Ball lessons? Piece of cake.

You’ve been doing everything humanly possible to avoid the female lead like she’s a carrier of the medieval plague. You thought you’d be safe here, hiding behind your “I’m too busy and mysterious for romance” persona, but no—somehow—the more you avoid her, the more she’s convinced that you’re the dark, brooding, irresistible male lead she’s always dreamed of.

You know, the type who avoids emotional connections but secretly harbors a heart of gold. But the truth is, you’re just a guy trying to get through the day so you can swoon over Leona Kingscholar in peace.

It’s not like you’ve been subtle about it either. You’ve been dropping hints left and right, hoping the universe would give you a break and let the female lead fall in love with literally anyone else. But no. Somehow, everyone is ignoring your very obvious affection for Leona.

It’s like you’re stuck in a tragic comedy where the female lead falls harder for you the more you try to disappear, and Leona just… well, he’s just living his best life, completely unaware of your internal screaming.

Take the latest tea party, for example. You were just trying to enjoy some pastries, maybe steal a glance at Leona from across the table, when the heroine decides to make her move. She picks up a delicate slice of cake and holds it out to you, eyes sparkling with that innocent-yet-hopeful look that says, “This is our moment.”

You? You’re not having any of that. Nope. No way. You’re not about to be part of this rom-com narrative. So, without missing a beat, you casually take the cake from her and, in one smooth motion, turn and offer it to Leona, who’s lounging lazily next to you, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Leona raises an eyebrow at you, clearly baffled by why you’re holding out cake like he’s some sort of royal who expects to be hand-fed. “What are you doing?” he mutters, looking suspiciously between you and the cake.

“Just thought you’d like some,” you say with a straight face, ignoring the heroine’s stunned expression. She’s sitting there, fork still poised in the air, blinking rapidly like you’ve just committed the greatest betrayal of the century.

Leona huffs, looking mildly irritated but mostly confused. After a pause, he shrugs and leans forward, taking a bite of the cake without even bothering to lift his own hand. “Whatever,” he mutters between chews. “Tastes fine.”

You nod, satisfied. Meanwhile, the heroine looks like she’s on the verge of tears, and the villainess is smirking in the background like she’s about to take out popcorn and enjoy the drama.

Later that day, you find a nice, quiet spot under a tree to relax. You’ve managed to avoid any major incidents so far, and for once, you’re not being dragged into some dramatic showdown. You lie back, close your eyes, and just let yourself chill. But, of course, the universe doesn’t want you to have peace.

Enter Leona.

Without a word, he flops down next to you, takes one look at your position, and decides—out of all the places he could sit—that your lap is the best pillow option available. You feel his head plop down on your lap like this is the most normal thing in the world. You stare down at him, completely dumbfounded, while he just closes his eyes and lets out a long, satisfied sigh.

“Leona?” you start, voice half bewildered, half amused. “You good?”

“Shut up,” he mutters without opening his eyes. “You’re more comfortable than the grass.”

You blink at him, not sure whether to laugh or cry. Meanwhile, the villainess strolls by, spots the two of you under the tree, and comes to an immediate halt. Her face contorts into a mix of disbelief and confusion, like she’s just witnessed something unholy. You can almost hear her mental scream of, what the hell is going on here?!

She doesn’t say anything, though. Just stands there, hands clenched, before turning on her heel and storming off. You don’t even care. You’re too busy reveling in the fact that Leona chose your lap as his personal resting place. If that isn’t a win, you don’t know what is.

And then, of course, there’s the infamous hallway incident. The heroine—who, by this point, you’re pretty sure has developed some kind of radar for finding you—comes running toward you. She trips over something (the air? her own foot? you don’t know) and launches herself straight into your arms in what is clearly an attempt to trigger some rom-com, slow-motion embrace.

But you? You’re not here for this.

With the reflexes of a seasoned avoider, you sidestep her dramatic fall, and she goes face-first into the floor. There’s a stunned silence as she lies there, unmoving, probably processing how she ended up eating dirt.

You glance over at Leona, who’s watching the whole thing with a lazy smirk, clearly enjoying the trainwreck. You give him a slight nod of approval, and he just rolls his eyes, a small grin still tugging at his lips.

The villainess, standing a few feet away, is laughing her head off. She’s doubled over, clutching her stomach, while the heroine’s dignity is scattered all over the floor. But you? You’re just staring at Leona, completely ignoring the chaos around you.

Somehow, despite all the madness, you can’t help but think: this is fine.

The day of the big spelldrive match arrives, and the heroine has never looked more confident in her life. She’s decked out in her team’s colors, standing tall at the edge of the field, waiting for you to join her in your usual spot. You know, like a loyal dog. A loyal, obedient dog who always does what she expects.

But not today.

Today, you roll up to the game decked out head to toe in full Savanaclaw merch. We're talking a custom jersey with Leona’s name on the back, a headband, face paint, and—just to really emphasize the point—a Savanaclaw banner tied around your neck like you’ve decided to cosplay as Captain Lion Fang.

You take your seat in the Savanaclaw section and immediately start hyping up the crowd like you’re getting paid for it. The heroine spots you from across the field and stares like she’s watching a crime scene unfold in real-time. Meanwhile, Leona’s already spotted you, and the smug smirk on his face tells you he’s LOVING the attention.

The game kicks off, and with each goal Leona scores, you’re going feral.

You’re screaming your lungs out, waving your banner around like you’re auditioning for some weird mascot gig. People are looking at you like you’ve lost your mind, but you don’t care. This is YOUR moment.

Leona, on the field, is living for it. Every time he glances your way, he adds a little extra flair to his plays, just to make you scream louder. He scores, and you’re on your feet, jumping up and down like you’ve won the lottery.

At this point, the heroine is practically catatonic. Her world is crumbling before her eyes. You can practically see her brain struggling to process what she’s witnessing: you, her loyal supporter, decked out in Savanaclaw gear and cheering for her rival.

“I... I don’t understand…” she whispers, her voice trembling like she’s been betrayed by the universe itself. “Why aren’t you cheering for us?”

You turn to her with all the nonchalance of someone who’s just ordered fries at a drive-thru. “Uh… Leona’s hot?”

It’s like you slapped her across the face with a wet fish. She stands there, frozen, her eyes wide, like she’s witnessing the fall of an empire. "B-But... you're supposed to support me!"

Before you can reply with another devastating truth bomb, Leona casually strolls over after winning the game, looking like he just walked out of a perfume ad. His hair’s tousled, a thin sheen of sweat making him look even more annoyingly handsome. He stops in front of you, smirking like he’s been planning this moment his entire life.

"Didn’t know you were my biggest fan," he drawls, voice low and lazy. “Gotta say, I’m impressed with your enthusiasm. Screamin’ my name like that… kinda hard to ignore.”

You open your mouth, ready to fire back with something witty, but what comes out is more of a high-pitched squeak, followed by, “Hahaha, Y-Yeah… you’re welcome?”

And then, the words that break you: “How ‘bout we celebrate with a nap?”

Your brain freezes. A nap? You? With Leona? Your heart is doing cartwheels while the rest of your organs are busy melting into a puddle. Your mouth is moving, but all that comes out is an unintelligible “Uhhuhmm.”

Leona chuckles, clearly enjoying how flustered you are. He reaches out, grabbing your wrist, and starts dragging you off with him—right in front of everyone. He doesn’t even care that the entire field is watching. He’s already made up his mind.

The heroine, meanwhile, is standing there in stunned silence, her brain fully blue-screening as she watches you and Leona disappear. She’s still processing the Leona’s comment when the villainess, who has been observing this whole disaster unfold, finally chimes in from the sidelines with a shrug.

“Well, as long as it’s not the heroine,” she says, flicking her hair back with an air of satisfaction. “This is fine.”

And off you go, being dragged to a nap date you’re definitely not mentally prepared for, your face burning hotter than the sun. Leona glances back at you, that smug smirk still plastered on his face. "You’re lookin’ a little red there. You sure you’re up for this?"

You sputter, tripping over your own words. "I-I’m fine! Totally fine! Nap? Cool! Casual napping! No big deal!”

Leona just chuckles again, clearly entertained by how much you're floundering. “If you say so. Just don’t pass out before we get there.”

Yeah. Don’t pass out. Easier said than done when the man of your dreams is casually dragging you off to nap like it's no big deal while your brain screams at you in ten different languages.

This is fine. Totally fine. You’re fine.

Maybe.

You were sitting with Jack and Ruggie at the cafeteria, chatting about nothing in particular—well, Jack was chatting. Ruggie was there purely because you promised to pay for his lunch. Still, you’d like to think that maybe, just maybe, he stuck around because he actually enjoyed your company. Maybe.

“So, any tips on how to deal with midterms?” Jack asked, ears twitching as he looked at you with that wide-eyed eagerness that only first-years ever had. He was honestly like a giant puppy, trying so hard to be good.

You leaned back in your chair, doing your best impression of a wise and worldly senior, which mostly involved pretending you weren’t sweating about your own midterms. “My advice? Caffeine. And if you have the chance to sleep, take it. Oh, and don’t forget to eat. I learned that one the hard way.”

Jack nodded seriously, committing it all to memory like you were passing down sacred knowledge. Meanwhile, Ruggie was on his third helping of food, barely acknowledging the conversation.

"Hey, if you're handing out wisdom, how ‘bout you tell me how to get free food more often?” Ruggie said between bites, shooting you a cheeky grin.

“Isn’t that already your specialty?” you shot back, eyeing the mountain of food in front of him.

He just laughed. “Can’t argue with that, but having backup plans never hurt.”

Before you could respond, you felt a shadow fall over the table. You looked up, half expecting it to be the heroine or some random classmate, but nope. It was Leona. Leona, who you were 99% sure had skipped class because he always skips class. And he looked… annoyed?

Oh no.

He ignored Jack and Ruggie completely, his sharp gaze zeroing in on you like you’d committed some grave crime. “Oi, herbivore,” he drawled, hands in his pockets like this wasn’t weird at all. “Let’s go.”

“Go where?” you asked, blinking up at him. Leona never approached people unless he wanted something.

“To the tree,” he said flatly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“The tree?” Jack echoed, ears perking up in confusion.

Ruggie, on the other hand, was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “Oho~ Someone’s in demand.”

Leona shot Ruggie a look that could’ve curdled milk. “Shut it, Ruggie.”

Your brain was still trying to process the situation. You were sitting here, minding your own business, giving sage advice about caffeine and survival, and now Leona was dragging you off to his tree like it was completely normal?

He didn’t wait for an answer. He just grabbed your wrist, yanking you up from your seat as if this was some kind of kidnap situation, and started walking toward the courtyard.

“Uh—Leona? What’s going on?” you asked, doing your best to keep up without tripping over your own feet.

Leona didn’t even look back. “You’re talkin’ too much. Need some peace and quiet.”

You blinked, thoroughly confused but not necessarily mad about being dragged off. It’s just… “Why am I involved in your nap plans?”

“’Cause I said so.”

Wow, cryptic. You were about to ask again when you reached the tree. The infamous Leona nap spot. He plopped down against the trunk and, before you could protest, pulled you down next to him. Without another word, he stretched out and—because apparently boundaries didn’t exist—rested his head on your lap.

This was… This was happening.

You glanced around, half expecting to see a camera crew pop out and tell you this was some elaborate prank, but nope. Leona was lounging on you like it was the most natural thing in the world, eyes already closed, arms crossed behind his head.

“Uh, Leona?”

“Shut up. M’ tryin’ to sleep.”

You stared down at him, your brain short-circuiting. This was the third time this week he’d done this. Just… kidnapped you for a nap. What was his deal? Was your lap particularly comfortable? Did you radiate some kind of sleepy aura? What was going on here?

Meanwhile, from the distance, you spotted her. The villainess. Watching. For the third time in as many days. And you could see it. You could see the moment she put the pieces together. Her eyes widened in slow realization, her lips twitching into a smirk. She knew. She finally knew.

When Leona finally woke up—after what felt like hours of you sitting there, too dazed to move—you were free. For now. He stretched lazily and gave you a casual “Thanks,” as if this wasn’t the most bizarre situation you’d ever been in, and you quickly scrambled away, making your way back to the dorms with your head spinning.

And that’s when the villainess cornered you.

Oh no.

There she was, leaning against the doorframe with a knowing look, her sharp gaze trained on you like a predator sizing up its prey. You swallowed nervously. She was about to confront you about the heroine, wasn’t she? This was it. This was the moment. Was she going to declare some rivalry? Challenge you to a duel? Confess to you? Make this whole thing painfully awkward?

She smiled, and it was not the evil grin you were expecting. “I’m on your side.”

You blinked. “…What?”

She pushed off the wall, stepping closer, her eyes gleaming with a new kind of intensity. “Leona. I know you’re after him.”

Your heart stopped. This was it. She was going to call you out and—wait, what did she just say?

“I’ll help you confess to Leona,” she said, matter-of-factly. “On one condition.”

You were staring at her like she’d just sprouted wings and started speaking in tongues. “You… will?”

She nodded. “Yes. If you help me become more influential than that heroine, I’ll help you get Leona to notice you more.”

You blinked again, processing her words. She wanted your help to outshine the heroine, and in exchange, she’d be your wingwoman? Wingwoman?!

You grinned, holding out your hand for a dramatic shake. “Hell yeah.”

She clasped your hand, her smile mirroring yours. "Consider it a deal."

And just like that, you walked away from the most unexpected alliance of your life, fully equipped with a villainess-turned-wingwoman and a new plan to win over Leona.

Honestly? Life was getting weirder by the day.

“Okay, so just to confirm,” Ruggie’s eyes glinted with mischief as he leaned back in his chair, arms folded behind his head. “You want us to sit through this poetry reading,” he said, drawing out the word like it was some cursed phrase, “and cheer for the villainess. And in return, I get all the food left over?”

“Yup,” you nodded, trying to keep a straight face.

“And Jack’s here because…?”

“I asked him nicely.”

Jack shrugged, tail flicking behind him. “I’m just here to help.”

Ruggie snorted, glancing at you with a grin. “This better be some damn good poetry then. And the food better be worth it.”

“Oh, trust me,” you said, patting Ruggie on the back. “It will be.”

Little did you know, this was going to be a disaster of epic proportions.

The poetry reading started as expected—with the heroine striding up to the front of the room, practically glowing under the dim spotlight. She cleared her throat, clasped her hands dramatically, and began.

“It was a night… much like tonight…”

Your first instinct was to cringe, but you held it in, glancing sideways at Jack and Ruggie. Jack was doing his best to stay stoic, but you could see his ears twitching in discomfort. Ruggie had his hand over his mouth, clearly biting back laughter.

The poem continued, painfully dragging on about stars and roses and something about “destiny’s kiss.” By the time she reached the end, there was a collective sigh of relief from the audience. You weren’t even sure what you had just listened to, but you knew it wasn’t good.

Jack… Jack was crying. You stared at him, horrified. “Are you okay?”

“It’s… it’s so bad,” he sniffed, wiping his eyes. “I didn’t know poetry could be this bad.”

Ruggie had his face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking with silent laughter. “This is better than I thought,” he wheezed.

You shot him a look, but even you had to admit, this was pure comedy gold. Poor Jack had no idea what hit him.

The villainess, bless her heart, was watching all of this unfold with a look of shock and confusion, but when it was finally her turn to read, she stepped up like a queen. Her voice was smooth, the words flowing like silk, and you couldn’t help but be genuinely impressed. She absolutely killed it.

The plan was working perfectly. You and your crew started clapping, cheering like you were at a rock concert. Jack, who was still recovering from the emotional trauma of the heroine’s poem, clapped too, albeit more quietly.

But just as you were about to get even louder, you felt a hand on your shoulder. “Oi, sit down,” Leona grumbled, pulling you back into your seat.

“What—?”

He didn’t offer any explanation, just kept you firmly seated next to him, his face set in a bored expression. You blinked in confusion but decided not to argue. It wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy sitting next to Leona… it was just weird.

And by the grin the villainess was sporting, it seems like everything went exactly according to plan. Both for her and you.

After the poetry reading wrapped up, you gathered the leftovers like you promised. Ruggie was already hovering around, practically drooling over the spread.

“Here, take it all,” you said, handing the basket over. “Deal’s a deal.”

Ruggie beamed, clutching the food to his chest like a treasure hoard. “Pleasure doing business with ya!”

Jack was much more polite, bowing his head slightly. “Thanks for the notes. They’ll be a big help.”

“Anytime,” you replied with a smile, watching the two of them head off. Ruggie was already halfway through a sandwich, talking a mile a minute, while Jack followed along, still looking like he might need therapy after the heroine’s performance.

That left you alone… with Leona, who had been standing off to the side, arms crossed, watching you with an unreadable expression.

“What?” you asked, half-expecting him to complain about something. He always had something to complain about.

“You mind explaining what the hell that was?”

“Uh… what do you mean?”

Leona’s tail flicked in irritation, his eyes narrowing. “I’m talking about you, whispering and giggling with that villainess all the time. What, you after her now that you ditched the heroine?”

You blinked at him, utterly baffled. “What? No, of course not. Why would I be after her?”

Leona’s jaw clenched. “You tell me. All I’ve seen is you hangin’ around with her, whispering, plottin’... I’ve seen how you look at her.”

It took a moment for your brain to catch up, but then it hit you like a ton of bricks.

Oh my god. He was jealous.

A slow grin spread across your face as the realization sunk in. Leona, Leona Kingscholar, was jealous. And over you.

Before you could stop yourself, you leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. “You’re jealous~.”

Leona froze, his eyes widening for a split second before narrowing dangerously. “What?”

“You’re jealous,” you repeated, giddiness bubbling up inside you. You could barely contain your excitement. “You’re jealous of me hanging out with the villainess!”

Leona’s lips pulled into a thin line. “You’re imagining things.”

“Oh no, no, no,” you grinned even wider, poking him in the chest. “You’re totally jealous!”

Leona growled, looking thoroughly annoyed now, but before he could snap back, you quickly explained. “Look, I made a deal with her. I help her become more influential than the heroine, and she helps me… confess to you.”

Leona blinked, taken aback, his tail flicking behind him as if processing the information. Then, in true Leona fashion, his expression shifted from irritation to smugness in record time.

“Oh?”

You sighed, shaking your head. “Yeah, so you don’t have to worry about me chasing after anyone else.”

Leona stepped closer, his voice dropping low, that usual lazy drawl making your heart do a little flip. “Good. But just so you know, cheek kisses aren’t real kisses.”

Before you could ask what he meant, Leona leaned in and kissed you—properly kissed you. Your eyes went wide for a second before you melted into it, feeling the heat of his lips against yours. He pulled back after what felt like forever, a smirk on his face as he watched you try to catch your breath.

“There. That’s a real kiss,” he murmured, his voice dripping with smug satisfaction.

You stared at him, dazed, and then a sudden realization hit you.

You left your entire life behind, all for this moment.

And you were so, so glad that stupid plushie was on the floor, because this? This was totally worth it.

The heroine’s voice was as sweet as it was grating, like sugar poured directly into your ears. She fluttered her eyelashes at you, her smile stretched painfully wide. “So, I was thinking,” she began, twirling a lock of hair around her finger. “You would make the perfect knight for my family! Don’t you think so?”

You blinked, trying to figure out a way to escape. “Uh… I’m kind of busy with, you know, my own life?”

“Oh, but imagine!” she gushed, not hearing a word you said. “We’d be so close all the time—like, so close. You could protect me, and maybe… we could have a picnic under the stars? Very romantic, right?”

Your soul was trying to leave your body. You were pretty sure Jack’s ears twitched somewhere nearby, sensing your pain telepathically. And then, like a gift from the heavens, the villainess—your beloved accomplice in all things anti-heroine—made her appearance.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said, stepping between you and the heroine with the grace of someone who had seen this movie before and knew exactly how to cut to the good parts. “But I need them for an urgent matter. A very important, not-at-all-romantic-but-very-necessary mission.”

You shot her a look of pure gratitude, but before she could fully rescue you from the heroine’s death trap of unwanted flirting, a shadow loomed over the scene. A very familiar shadow.

Leona.

Without saying a word, he strode up behind you and casually wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you back against his chest with an ease that had your heart skipping a beat. He rested his chin on your shoulder, his sharp green eyes fixed on the heroine.

“Oh no, carry on,” he said lazily, but his tone was anything but. “I’m just here to see what my mate is up to.”

The heroine blinked in shock, her hands hovering mid-air as if she had no idea what to do with this development. “Y-Your mate?”

“Yeah,” Leona said, tightening his grip around you, his smirk downright feral. “So whatever little fantasy you’re cooking up about romantic picnics or whatever—cut it out. This one’s mine.”

You felt Leona’s lips brush against your temple before he leaned in and, in full view of the now-utterly-horrified heroine, kissed the side of your neck. Slowly. Possessively.

You could almost hear the villainess muffling a laugh behind her hand.

The heroine’s face turned several shades of red as she stammered. “B-But I—”

“You,” Leona said, his tone dripping with amusement, “can fuck right off.”

The heroine gasped, her hand flying to her chest like she’d been physically struck. “You can’t just say that to me!”

Leona raised a brow, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “I’m literally the second prince. I can say whatever the hell I want.”

The heroine opened her mouth to argue, but then realized that, no, actually, she couldn’t argue with the literal second prince staking his claim. She sputtered for a moment before storming off, no doubt to sob dramatically about her dashed romantic hopes.

Once she was out of sight, the villainess finally let out a snort of laughter. “That was beautiful.”

Leona ignored her, his grip still firm around you as he leaned down to whisper, “Next time, you won’t need her to help you out. Just say my name, and I’ll be there to deal with the pests.”

You stared at him, a little dazed from the whole whirlwind of possessiveness, public displays of affection, and telling someone to ‘fuck right off.’ “You really went for it, huh?”

Leona smirked, leaning in for another kiss. “Damn right I did. And don’t you forget it.”

Somewhere behind you, the villainess was still giggling. You were pretty sure this was going to be gossip for weeks.

But honestly? Totally worth it.

Graduation day—the moment where everyone’s future plans would be declared, and all the chess pieces would fall into place. Or, in your case, the moment where you’d cause absolute chaos.

The grand hall was filled with eager anticipation. Everyone was dressed in their formal graduation robes, students buzzing with excitement over their new titles and responsibilities.

Leona, as expected, lounged at the back like a lion who had better things to do, half-asleep. Villainess stood tall and composed, already plotting her return to her family's estate. Heroine was in full glowing mode, ready to take her place as the beloved of the Grand Duchy.

And you? You stood at the podium, trying not to laugh. You knew what you were about to say would flip this graduation upside down.

One by one, people made their announcements.

When it was finally your turn, all eyes turned to you. The entire hall seemed to hold its breath, knowing the original male lead—you—was supposed to be the retainer of the heroine. It was all set, all according to plan, right?

Wrong.

You cleared your throat, glanced briefly at Leona who smirked lazily, and then made the declaration that would throw this script straight out the window. “I’ve decided to serve as Prince Leona’s right-hand man, personal secretary, and...well, whatever he needs.”

The silence that followed was glorious. Pure, dumbfounded silence.

King Falena, sitting in the front row, visibly blinked. Once. Twice. He tilted his head slightly, confusion written all over his usually composed face. “What?” he muttered, looking like someone just told him a desert hyena had enrolled in ballet school.

Leona, however, didn’t even open his eyes. He just smirked, crossing his arms smugly. “Told ya he’d choose me,” he murmured, almost too casually for someone who’d just stolen the original male lead’s entire plotline.

Falena’s gaze flicked between you and Leona, still processing. Then, slowly, realization dawned. He saw that look on Leona’s face—the one that said “mine, and I dare anyone to challenge it.” King Falena’s confusion morphed into surprise and then, with the subtlety of a royal diplomat, resignation. “Oh…” he whispered, finally understanding. “He’s down bad.”

Leona cracked an eye open just to catch his brother’s expression and grinned wider, like a cat who knew exactly what kind of bird it had in its claws.

Your parents, bless them, were in the crowd with expressions of supportive confusion. Your mother was squinting as if trying to work out if this was some sort of royal prank. Your father leaned in toward her, whispering loudly enough for the entire row to hear, “It’s a royal job, right? That’s prestigious?”

“Yeah, but… Leona?” your mom whispered back.

At this point, the heroine stood up, ready to throw a wrench into the works. “Wait! You’re supposed to be my—"

Before she could finish, the villainess, in all her dramatic glory, made her move. With the grace of a queen and the audacity of a mastermind, she stepped right up to the heroine, flipped her luxurious hair, and said, “Actually, I was going to ask you out.”

You blinked. Wait, what?

The entire room gasped. You could almost hear heads snapping toward the villainess like a collective whip crack.

Heroine’s mouth opened and closed like she was a fish drowning in air. “I—what?”

“Dinner. Candlelight. Maybe a picnic. You and me, a date. Sound good?” The villainess winked with such charm that even the professors in the back were wide-eyed.

Heroine blinked rapidly, as if trying to reboot her brain. “Uh… sure?” she squeaked, still reeling from the fact that her entire romantic arc had just gotten hijacked.

You stared at the villainess in pure confusion. “What just happened?” you whispered, looking at her for an explanation.

The villainess simply turned to you with a mischievous grin, giving you a sly thumbs-up like this had been part of her master plan all along.

You were still processing the fact that you were witnessing the greatest plot twist of all time. You returned a half-hearted, bewildered thumbs-up, unsure if this was a win or not.

Meanwhile, the professors up front were clearly on their last thread of patience. The head of the academy rubbed his temples, sighing deeply as if this whole day had aged him a decade. “That’s it,” he said, voice strained with exhaustion. “Everyone’s graduated. Just...leave. Please.”

And with that, the ceremony abruptly ended. You couldn’t help but laugh at the professor’s exasperation as the crowd started to disperse, still buzzing with gossip.

Leona slid up next to you, his hand casually resting on your waist as you walked out of the hall together. “So, my right-hand man, huh?”

You shrugged. “Figured I might as well make it official.”

Leona smirked, leaning down to murmur in your ear, “Just don’t expect me to go easy on you.”

You rolled your eyes, but your smile betrayed you. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

And then he kissed you. In front of everyone.

King Falena, witnessing this public display of territorial claims, just shook his head with a resigned sigh. “Well, as long as it’s official…” he muttered, casting an approving glance toward you. “Congratulations, I guess.”

Your parents were still in shock, but when they saw that it was a royal seal of approval, they immediately switched gears. “A royal job!” your mom whispered excitedly. “That’s so prestigious!”

With that, Leona tugged you away from the chaos, his arm never leaving your waist as you walked toward the exit. You glanced back one last time to see the heroine still staring blankly at the villainess, who had now looped her arm around her like it was the most normal thing in the world.

The head of the academy, now red in the face, shouted after you as you reached the door, “I SAID EVERYONE GO, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT SEVEN!”

You walked out into the sunlight, trying not to laugh, while Leona leaned in, his lips brushing your ear as he murmured smugly, “Looks like you’re stuck with me.”

And honestly? You wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was a day like any other, except you were meeting the villainess in her newly acquired estate. She had officially taken over as the head of her family, and the new title suited her all too well. The whole place screamed, I am in charge, with a side of don’t even think about challenging me unless you want to cry in public. You admired the aesthetic.

The villainess greeted you with her usual regal flair, sweeping into the room like she’d been born to dominate it—which, to be fair, she had. She offered you tea, which you politely declined, sensing that this wasn’t just a casual catch-up.

"So, what's new with you, Lady Villainess?” you asked, leaning back, fully expecting some grand declaration about her political conquests or business victories.

She smiled—a dangerous, knowing smile that made you immediately suspicious. "Well, I wanted to tell you something rather... unexpected."

You raised an eyebrow. Unexpected? Coming from her? That had to be good.

"I'm dating the heroine," she said casually, sipping her tea as if she hadn't just dropped the biggest plot twist since the whole 'villainess takes over' arc.

You nearly choked on absolutely nothing, mouth hanging open in sheer disbelief. "Wait. What?"

She smiled serenely, her expression the perfect picture of innocence—which made it all the more ridiculous. “Yes, darling. The heroine and I are officially a couple.”

You blinked. “The same heroine who couldn’t tell a poisoned apple from a regular one if her life depended on it?”

“The very same.”

“The one who gets lost in her own estate if she turns too many corners?”

“Yes, that one.”

You couldn't help it. The sheer absurdity of the situation hit you, and you burst out laughing. "Oh, that is rich. How in the world did that happen?”

The villainess leaned back, looking thoroughly pleased with herself. “Oh, it was simple, really. I realized I was always drawn to her... naiveté. And once I stopped trying to sabotage her every move, well, things just fell into place.”

You were still laughing, shaking your head in disbelief. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you two, but this is the best thing I’ve heard in weeks.”

The villainess gave you a mock glare. “Don’t act so surprised. I’ve always had impeccable taste.”

“Oh, impeccable taste, huh?” you teased. “I just didn’t expect it to lead you straight to a walking ball of sunshine.”

“Well, someone needs to keep her from wandering into traffic.”

Still snickering, you stood up. “Alright, alright, I get it. You’re a saint for dealing with her.”

“I know,” she sighed dramatically, “but love makes us do ridiculous things.”

"Tell me about it," you muttered, still amused. You waved goodbye and promised to catch up later, your mind reeling from this new, absolutely hilarious development.

When you got back to the palace, you found Leona lounging in his usual spot, sprawled out on a couch like a lion that had just taken over the whole savannah. He barely glanced up as you walked in, already sensing the amused energy radiating off you.

“You’re grinning like an idiot,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “What happened?”

You plopped down next to him, barely containing your laughter. “You won’t believe this. The villainess is dating the heroine now.”

Leona’s eyes flicked open, and for a split second, he looked like he didn’t believe you. Then, slowly, a smirk spread across his face as he processed the information. “You’re messing with me.”

“Nope. Dead serious. They’re a couple now. In love.” You leaned in, grinning. “The villainess—ice queen herself—is head over heels for Miss Pure Sunshine.”

Leona actually chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. “Well, I’ll be damned. Never saw that one coming.”

“I know, right? It’s the most chaotic thing ever, and I am living for it.”

Leona’s smirk turned into a full-on grin, which was rare enough to be considered a national treasure. He shifted, sitting up slightly. “You think we’ll get an invite to the wedding?”

You snorted. “Oh, you bet. I’m going to be front row just to see how she manages to keep the heroine from accidentally setting her own dress on fire.”

Leona’s laugh rumbled low in his chest, and he reached out, grabbing your wrist. “Come here,” he ordered, tugging you toward him.

“What? No, I’ve got work to do,” you protested weakly, but your protests didn’t mean much when he effortlessly pulled you into his lap.

“Work can wait. This is more important,” he grumbled, wrapping his arms around you in a possessive hug that made it very clear you weren’t going anywhere.

You sighed, leaning into him. “You just want to cuddle, don’t you?”

“I want you to stop running around and actually relax for once,” he retorted, resting his chin on top of your head. “Besides, it’s not like the kingdom’s gonna fall apart if we take a break.”

You rolled your eyes, but a smile tugged at your lips. “I should get a promotion. I’m basically doing all the work around here.”

Leona chuckled again, his grip tightening just slightly. “Yeah, well, don’t let Falena hear that. He might actually make you his advisor, and then I’ll never get any alone time with you.”

You snorted. “Oh please, you’d just kidnap me from work if that happened.”

“Damn right,” he muttered, his voice low and satisfied. “You’re mine, remember?”

You felt your heart do that annoying flutter thing as Leona’s possessive tone settled over you. Even when he was being a lazy lion, he made you feel like the most important thing in his life. It was comforting—and kind of hilarious, considering how little he cared about everything else.

The room fell into a comfortable silence, and for once, you actually allowed yourself to relax, leaning into Leona’s warmth. His arms tightened around you again, and you could feel the soft rise and fall of his chest as he started to drift off into a nap, his grip never loosening.

As you closed your eyes, you couldn’t help but think that, despite all the absurdities in your life—from slipping on a plushie to your best friend falling in love with her former rival—you wouldn’t trade any of it. Not for the world.

And as Leona’s breath slowed into the steady rhythm of sleep, you allowed yourself a small, contented smile.

Life was chaotic. But it was also perfect.

Series Masterlist ; Masterlist

Idia won the previous poll! Now for the next,

[meongryongie]

look!

fluff , dad!minho x reader

your muscles ached as you finally stepped foot inside your home after what felt like months. minho followed behind, gently carrying the carseat that held the newest addition to your family. he was being extremely cautious, careful not to wake her by accidentally hitting the car seat against the doorframe or carrying it so close to his legs that he hits it himself.

you needed a nap. bad. minho was more than willing to let that happen. just one tiny problem.

the nursery wasn’t completely finished yet.

your little girl had decided to come a little earlier than expected so you and minho hadn’t yet finished putting some of the furniture together. he could call chan for help, but that was too much of a hassle. all minho wanted at the moment was to be alone with his new little family.

when you had called minho at 2:30 in the afternoon on a wednesday while he was at practice to tell him that your water broke all over your brand new rug in the living room, he nearly drowned while taking a sip of his water.

he didn’t waste a single second in getting home to you.

you were in the hospital for what felt like forever. labor and delivery went quickly, but the doctors insisted on extra examination due to the fact that your baby girl was three and a half weeks early.

luckily everything was normal, though, your baby was completely healthy and so were you.

finally you and your little girl were cleared to go home, and now here you were, standing in your living room worrying about how you we’re gonna clean the rug while minho carried in your belongings, and of course the baby.

he gently places the carseat down on the floor in front of you.

“i’ll go grab the bassinet so i can build it while you sit with her. will you be okay? i’ll be quick.” he inquires.

you smile up at him from where you’ve sat on the floor next to your little one. “i’ll be okay, min.”

he nods and shuffles out the room quickly, and suddenly the cats are swarming you.

“hi babies! i missed you!” you coo at them as you hold one hand on the carseat in an attempt to be closer to your baby without waking her.

the three of them collectively sniff the carseat, and then the baby. they must be wondering who this new little person is that happens to smell like you and minho.

you pray that they don’t wake her up. she seems to not cry much overall, which you’re grateful for, but she needs the sleep after the long night you had of trying to feed her.

“okay, i’m back!” minho announces as he enters the room with the large box containing the pieces to the bassinet.

“min! look!” you say, waving him over as he whips his head around to look at you.

“oh-” he gasps.

he gently sets down everything in his hands to sit next to you and watch what’s unfolding before his eyes.

soonie rubs his head against the baby’s tiny feet while the other two continue to sniff around.

it was a precious sight. minho definitely didn’t tear up a bit. (yes he did)

suddenly you hear tiny whines and whimpers coming from your little girl as she wakes, kicking her feet around slightly.

“oh oh oh- no, shoo!” minho waves the cats away.

the cats scramble and minho rests his chin on your shoulder as you attempt to calm your sleepy baby. you wouldn’t be happy if a cat woke you from your nap either.

her irritation subsided and she was calm again, tiny fists flailing like she wanted out of her seat.

“i’ll take her. you’re tired, take a nap.” he insists.

“but min- the bassinet.” you remind him.

“i know, i know, i’ll take care of it, don’t worry.” he reassures, gently grabbing your baby girl from your hands and softly placing her against his chest.

“are you sure?” you ask, a part of you not wanting to leave yet.

“i promise.” he whispers as he places a couple very soft kisses along your temple.

you stand up and stare down at your lover holding what’s possibly the most precious thing the two of you could create as he coos at her and her tiny hands.

and as you fall asleep that sweet afternoon, minho works tirelessly with only one free hand to finish building all the things you could possibly need for your baby. and not once did she stir in the safe hold of her father.

a/n: my mimo 😞 i love him so terribly

[dragjunkie23]

Please Come Home

Request: A lovely user wanted to see how Sam would handle a partner with PMDD, which is almost like PMS but a lot worse especially for those who have ADHD or other neurodivergent

Minors DNI

Warnings: Very emotional, angsty, fluffy

Three days

It’s been three whole days since Sam left with Dean to help with a case. I normally would go with them, but I decided to sit this one out and give myself a break as the recent jobs we had got me super exhausted.

However, the exhaustion was not just from the cases. My period also decided to show up, and normally I can ride it out the best I can, but having ADHD plus hormones running wild…it’s not a great mix to have.

The cramps I can handle. It’s the fact that Sam was gone that was getting to me.

I took one of his flannels he left behind in our shared room and would hold it as I fell asleep. It sounded dumb, but having this close to me was almost like Sam was here.

I couldn’t take it anymore after day three, though. I found myself waking up crying and every single little thing got to me. I tried to fix our AC unit but I kept dropping the screws. I wounded up crying for about 1 hour before I could finally pick myself back up.

I wanted Sam to come home, to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay. It felt selfish to ask him to drop everything and come home, though. People’s lives were in danger and we were the only one who could help them.

I eventually swallowed my pride and decided to call Sam up. Maybe hearing his voice would make things better.

“Y/N?”

I tried to hold myself together as I didn’t want him to know I’ve been upset.

“Hey…baby…I just wanted to call and say hi,” I said.

“Well, hey to you too,” he said as I heard him smile, “What bought this on? Everything okay?”

“Yeah…I just miss you that’s all,” I said.

“I miss you, too, baby girl,” he said.

The moment those words came out of his mouth, the water works began as I started to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Baby?! You okay!?” he said in a panicked tone.

I didn’t know what came over me but I knew that there was no point in hiding it.

“Truth be told…no. I’m…I got my period shortly after you and Dean left, and it’s just been killing me. Every little thing gets me upset. I almost threw the toaster across the room because I burnt my toast…and I just wish you were here with me. I’m so lonely. I’m sorry…I didn’t…I know this job is important…”

“Hey hey, there’s not need to apologize,” he said, concern filling his voice, “Oh baby girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

All I could do was nod. It felt great getting it all out but I also felt guilty. “I’m not trying to guilt trip you…”

“Baby, deep breaths” he said, “Again, you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I’m glad you told me this.”

There was a moment of silence before Sam told me to hold on a second. My heart was pounding a bit as I wondered what was going to happen next. Was he mad? Was Dean mad? So much anxiety ran through me as I waited for the next steps.

Finally, Sam picked the phone up. “You still there, sweetheart?”

“Yes,” I managed to say.

“Okay. I’m coming home right now. Garth is nearby anyways so he’s gonna help with the case.”

“Sam…no…”

“Y/N, it’s all fine. If it helps, Dean was the first to say that I should come home to you before I even asked. He also instructed me to bring you chocolate ice cream and to put my healthy eating habits aside for this.”

I smiled a little bit, feeling better knowing that Dean was on board. Still, the guilt lingered, but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about that.

“Get some sleep, sweetheart. I’ll see you in a bit.”

_______________________

3 Hours Later

I felt a little dip in our bed as someone sat down. Opening my eyes, I saw Sam looking at me with a sympathetic smile on his face.

He’s home.

I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into his neck, letting out little tears.

“You’re back.”

“I told you I would be back,” he said.

He wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair and rocking me back and forth to help soothe me. He whispered in my ear things like “Shhh, it’s okay, baby girl. Let it out. I’m home. You’re safe.”

After I calmed down, we both laid down on the bed, my upper body still on him as he continued to massage my head while rubbing my back.

“Can I ask…what bought this on?” he asked.

I shrugged. “It’s…not easy to explain Sam. I think in all honesty, it was a mix of pure exhaustion, the pain, and so much more. Normally I can take care of myself just fine, but…I don’t know. I’m sorry…that I made you leave…I wanted you to finish…”

“And I wanted to leave the moment I heard you crying. You didn’t make me leave, sweetheart. I wanted to get back here…I just needed to know that you were safe and that I could be there for you.”

I just nodded, not knowing what else to say. I wanted to apologize again, but I knew Sam would just tell me to stop apologizing.

“What…did Dean look like when you told him?” I asked.

“He looked scared, honestly,” he said, “When I told him what was going on, he was relieved that it was nothing serious, but insisted that I go and help you before I could ask.”

“You mentioned that on the phone,” I said.

“I know. Now, let’s get some rest, okay?”

I didn’t want to rest. I wanted to stay awake, enjoying Sam’s company. My body needed the rest, though, so I drifted off, finally having a dreamless sleep in the arms of the man I love.

[angelforstyles]

Lonely (together) Chapter Six **

Lillian’s POV

Harry convinced me to let him eat me out.

So here I am in bed in the middle of a random night.

He doesn’t have work tomorrow so he stayed up with me because I couldn't sleep. So it was his idea to tire me out so I could sleep.

He takes my pants off and kissed my thighs. I held his hair and closed my eyes.

I felt the heat of his breath on the most sensitive part of my body.

I felt him lick my lips then take one in his mouth and suck it. "Haaaah yeeesss Harry aaaahhh" I breathed heavily as he sucked my other lip and licked them.

"So sweet" he whispered to himself.

I opened my eyes as he looked hungrily. He opened my lips and groaned.

"Oh my god so beautiful" he said then licked several times and sucked my clit lightly with his mouth. "Mmm yes yes Harry don’t stop please”

He started switching between licking and sucking and his fingers kept my lips open for him.

He sucked harder until he left my clit with a loud pop.

He lifted his head to kiss me hard. Then he went back to my pussy.

He licked from the bottom of my ass hole to my clit. "Aaaah harry" I pulled his hair hard and took deep breath.

He looked at me and said "Don't take your eyes off me" I looked at him as he put the tip of his tongue in my hole.

I felt something I didn't know was exist.

I screamed loudly and tried to close my eyes when he slapped my thigh. "I said. Eyes. On me." He put the tip of his tongue in again.

I don't think he put it in much but it was enough for me to feel the stretch.

His mouth went back to my clit and played with it with his tongue and his finger played around my hole. He didn't put it in but the feeling was enough to make me cum hard. He sucked and licked my clit hard until I cum.

I was tired so we didn't spend much time awake. Harry cleaned me up and we went to sleep.

Harry’s POV

Today we are going for a picnic, she would cry if I said no. I will spend the whole day with her in the 'secret garden'

We were at my house today too. She has not been to her apartment for days. I don't mind and I’ll suffer if she is not here.

I cut fruits and made sandwiches, smoothies, chips and cookies. I need to work on a new and healthy diet for her.

Because it is not normal for to sleep at 3 am and wake up in the afternoon and bad meals. She’s even eaten chocolate before bed and complained about ‘sleep hates me’

I needed some files from the office to work on tonight so I decided to stop by and grab them on the way to the park. I’m wearing a hoodie and shorts. It wasn't cold but it was going to get cold soon. It was the middle of October.

She came down wearing a very short red sun dress and I'm sure if she bends down a little her breasts will spill out, and she smiles boldly at me. "Really? You're not going out in this dress, sweetie. Go wear something else."

She looked at me with puppy eyes and bit her lip. "Please? I wore this for you." She said seductively as if she didn't know that I wouldn't refuse. "Oh my god, okay." I said and pinched the bridge of my nose.

I took the basket and we got into the car.

"I need to stop by the office, there are files I need to take." I said and put my hand on her thigh. "Okay." She said as she searched for a song.

I parked the car in the parking lot and opened the door for her to get out. "What? I'm not going inside!!" she said fearfully. "Your boss will get mad Harry, I don't want—“

I pulled her and slammed the door shut. I was tired of her mentioning 'my boss'.

I wanted to show her that I was the boss.

We walked inside and all the staff in the reception fell silent and looked at us then turned back to their work. Next to me she held on tight.

We got into the elevator and I typed in the code to go to my floor. "Harry they're all looking at us you're going to be in big trouble if-" I kissed her to shut her up.

“Shut up, okay?” She looked at me nervously and fell silent.

We reached my office floor. My assistant stood up and said, “Hello Mr. Styles, I didn’t know you were coming today.”

“I came to get some files, email me the rest.” I unlocked my office and walked in.

I turned to see her face as if she had seen a ghost.

“What happened to you?” I said smugly as I walked her to close the door behind us.

“This is your office? And you have your own assistant!!” She said as if it was something from space.

“Yes, and this is my company, princess.” I said as I kissed her cheek.

She walked away and walked to the window. It was an entire wall of windows from ceiling to floor. “Oh my God” she said in shock.

“Do you like it?” She looked at me with an unreadable expression. “How are you the boss?”

“I’m the boss, my princess.”

“I don’t know, it’s very strange and new informa— why didn’t you tell me?” she said looking into my eyes.

“I don’t know, you kept mentioning ‘boss’ so I didn’t know what to say. I chose to bring you here.”

She looked around again “Oh my god” I took the files and went to her.

“Do you want a tour?” I winked as I tickled her. She laughed and said yes. We walked out of my office and I locked the door.

We went to the privet meeting room and I stood at the door as she walked around the windows. We walked out and then she turned to me and whispered “I need the bathroom so bad” she said with a look of discomfort on her face.

We went back to my office to use my private bathroom.

I waited for her until she came out.

Then she walked the windows again.

My office is on the 25th floor so the view was truly breathtaking.

I stood behind her and put one hand on her stomach and the other on her neck. “Did you know that the tower across the street is mine too?” I whispered in her ear.

She turned to me in shock “Are you serious?” I laughed at her expression.

“Let’s spend our date exploring my offices around the city I’m more than happy to show you” Her eyes widened “You have more than two buildings???”

God I want to fuck her.

“Are you rich or something?” she chattered as she left. I followed her and we got into the elevator.

“Why are you so upset?” I laughed.

“You said we’d spend our date exploring your offices. I want the garden.”

I hadn’t learned yet that she doesn’t take jokes well unless I make it clear I’m joking or I tell her right away that it’s a joke.

We got out of the elevator and it was quiet again and she hid behind my back and holding my hand. We went for a picnic and her mood returned to normal.

When we got back to my house we had dinner and now she was on my lap.

We were talking a few days ago about childhood (not mine or hers) I got stuck because she talked about child abuse.

Suddenly she got up and looked at me. "Harry" I kissed her cheek "Yes my girl" I brushed a stray hair from her face. "I wanted to tell you that nothing in my life is normal" she said oddly and seriously. "Of course you are normal why would you say something like that?"

She frowned and said "You don't know anything about me! How can you say I'm normal?" I think her period is coming soon.

"Because you are a kind, shy, charitable person who eats chocolate with coffee when you wake up, and let's not forget that you are a bit clumsy" I smiled.

Her cheeks flushed and she smiled then returned to her previous attitude.

"You don't understand." She looked at my chest and played with my necklace, "I never had a childhood or a natural teenhood Harry" My heart sank and I wished I could erase her memories of her childhood and teenhood even though I knew only a little.

"Then tell me" I whispered. She looked at me and said, "Harry.. I don't.. know how.. You might never accept me again." She said with her eyes on the ceiling and full of tears.

I pulled me closer to her. “Don’t you ever dare say that again. I will always want you by my side and I will accept you no matter what your past is or what your present is. If you really know me, you should know that I accept everything from you Lillian”

Lillian’s POV

I hesitated if I should tell Harry. I really want to share what happened to me with someone.

I'm tired of keeping everything that happened to me a secret. I felt a little relieved after his last words. So I tried to organize my words but I couldn't.

I grabbed his hand and played with his rings. “My parents were addicts, alcohol and drugs,” I took a deep breath.

“I had three siblings, my older brother… he was six years older than me and my twin.” Tears started to form in my eyes as I started to remember everything in detail again.

“Since he was thirteen he started using drugs because my parents leave it around the house, ever since I was conscious my parents beat us all the time, there was no food in the fridge, the bills were never paid, no new clothes, never. Not even one piece” I didn’t look at his face in fear.

“There was a teacher who always gave us old clothes that belonged to her daughter who was a year older than us, so it must have been something good right? but no, the students called us the children of addicts, poor babies, psychopaths. Long list. So we never had any friends”

“When I was nine my mom gave birth to my younger brother. We would change his diapers and take care of him and he sleep over with me and my sister.” I smiled and my eyes burned.

“My sister was so weak and scared all the time so I had to be the stronger one" I started crying and Harry wiped my tears.

"When I was thirteen my father got mad at my mother because she didn't want to... you know... have sex with him. My sister and I were watching the scene from the stairs. My little brother was playing around them. My father pulled out a gun and shot my mother" I cried more and tried to calm down to continue

"Then my little brother cried I tried to pull him away to hide him but he ran away and my father would see me if I went to him. My father looked at him and shouted at him to be quiet but he cried even louder and so he shot him. My sister ran down and hid but I stood there looking at them and the pools of blood around them and my father smiling. I couldn't blink I couldn't move. My father sat on the couch and I stood for half an hour looking at him until he shot himself with the same gun. Then I think I passed out, when I woke up there were police and an investigation."

I put my head on Harry's chest "My brother was 19 so they left us with him, they took the bodies and cleaned the floors and took all the weapons that belonged to my father" I lifted my head and looked at Harry for the first time his eyes were full of tears and his face was very red, "Harry" I cried and hugged him.

"Shhh, you're safe now" He held me tighter then I pulled away and said to him "Don't cry" He smiled painfully, I wiped his tears and continued, i can’t stop now.

"We stayed at home but no one knew my brother was an addict too, he would beat us if there was no food or the electricity went out. We were only thirteen. We sat like that for months until we were fourteen. My sister and I went and looked for jobs but no one wanted to hire children. My sister found a job at a laundromat it was her first job and the owner was old so she needed someone. I went to library, but every few months we changed jobs because they gave them to older people. The money we made my brother take to buy drugs so we would work two jobs to buy food. Sometimes we would hide some of the money,” I smiled as I remembered my sister hiding the money in her bra.

“It wasn’t until we were sixteen, my sister started to get tired and she tells me that we wouldn’t survive if we didn’t kill him. She was joking sometimes but I knew she wished we could. She wanted so badly to escape, so-” I cried hard

“She started hurting herself until she died.” I hugged Harry and couldn’t breathe from the pain in my chest

“My brother found her and thought he killed her so he panicked and wrote me a letter saying he was sorry he killed her and committed suicide with an overdose but when the social worker came to get me I found a letter from my sister saying she did it to herself to save us” I started to sob and I couldn’t finish and Harry hugged me.

We sat in silence for a few minutes until I stopped crying. “I went to foster homes. They were bad and everything was so bad. I thought I would stay there forever. I had to study hard to get a scholarship to university so I wouldn’t be sitting on the street and I had to work a lot to save myself money to buy clothes and good food” I felt disgusted when I remembered

“They called themselves foster homes to take the money that should have been spent on us Harry. I lived in foster homes for two years, a new place every month and sometimes every week until I was eighteen and responsible for myself” I hesitated whether to tell him the rest or not but there was nothing worse than what I had already said.

“I never went home even though it’s mine now I didn’t even think about it when I needed money I just pretended it wasn’t there anymore” I closed my eyes and whispered

“I changed my name and moved here I submitted my papers to the university I got a scholarship for poor orphans and needy” I cried again

“I didn’t know I could get here. And when I did it seemed like a dream and I would wake up in the basement of my childhood home and I would hear screaming and gunshots above my head” I cried and hugged him tightly we sat in silence until I fell asleep.

Harry’s POV

I carried her up the room, covered her and went down to the kitchen. I needed a strong drink. I took the bottle of whiskey, opened the garden door and sat down.

My eyes were burning and my chest ached. I didn't even try to hold back the tears. I had only cried once in my life when my parents divorced. I was seven. I didn't know what it felt like to cry until now.

I drank half the can until my throat was burning and I couldn't sit still.

I went to the room and lay down next to her and looked at her. She looked peaceful like an angel. I wanted to call her Angel. Her eyebrows furrowed a little and then she opened her eyes. "Harry." My name came out like a cry but she didn't cry anymore. I hugged her and then pulled closer. "Eww what's that smell?" She covered her nose. "Sorry baby I just had a little drink.

“Huff you smell disgusting” she said, her head in my neck. “I’m going to brush my teeth.” “Noooo, you smells good now. Sit” She whines.

When I woke up I went to work and left her sleeping. I didn't want to go but I was too busy with her to work. I made her breakfast and left it on the dining table.

I was in a meeting when I received a message from her.

Angel: No good morning kiss. It hurts me😞

Me: One: it’s afternoon. Two: I actually kissed you before I left. Three: I will never hurt you.

Angel: I’m going to my apartment baby

Me: Why?.

Angel: I want my stuff 🥺

Me: Ok. Cal will pick you up. AND drop you off back.

Angel: I wish i can have lunch with you

Me: Stop it. We’re going to have dinner together.

Angel: You asking me out?

Me: See you tonight baby girl.

The meetings room fell silent since the typing sound began to come from my phone. I locked my phone and cleared my throat. “Continue.”

I left the office at six. I went to my house and opened the door. There were so many wonderful smells. I closed the door, took off my jacket and threw it on the couch. The dining table was set for dinner.

“Babyeeee” She jumped on me and smelled so good.

I couldn’t even see what she was wearing. When she pulled away I saw and was about to kneel down to her.

A silk red dress that didn’t cover her breasts and I could see her nipples erect through the fabric.

It hugged all her curves perfectly. The dress showed her thighs so deliciously. “You look so beautiful baby girl”

I kissed her and she moaned. “I made you dinner” she whispered “My dinner is in my hands” I said kissing her.

She pulled away from me and pulled me to wash my hands and face. I was going to pull my hair up but she stopped me. “I like it like this baby,” she said with puppy eyes.

She sat at the table and everything looked perfect. Her face was glowing, it was like last night never happened.

I kissed her and she got up to put some spaghetti for me.

Her breasts were jiggling slightly as she moved. I never reached her breasts. She was so sensitive to my touch and I was more than okay with just touching her bottom.

I didn't want to push her at all to expose herself more and get out of her comfort zone.

We talked a little while we ate about work and then we finished and carried the dishes to the kitchen.

I rolled up my sleeves to put them in the dishwasher. “No, leave this to me, you have another task. Go and sit down.” She pulled me and pushed me out of the kitchen. “What?” “Go go.” “I’m not a puppy.” I mumbled.

I sat down until she finished and brought me a glass of water.

"What's happening to you, baby? I thought I was the one who should treat my girl like a princess" I said, covering her face in shyness.

After a few minutes of kissing she said, "Take me to bed Harry." I followed her and was ready to eat her out.

Until we reached the room and I lowered her onto her legs. "Harry, fuck me" she whispered.

I felt electricity all over my body. I knew I would fuck her one day.

But I never knew she would affect me this way.

I came back to reality and looked at her. “You’re not ready yet.” Her face was sad. “Yes, your finger can actually go all the way inside me!”

I laughed at how the dirty words came out of her, and her face still full of innocence.

“Okay I don’t have a condom” I said as an excuse but I could have gone and bought one right away.

She pulled out a box of pills “I started taking the birth control pills” She raised an eyebrow.

“Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?” I said and started to feel the seriousness of the situation.

I wanted her so badly but I was afraid I would hurt her.

“Surprise” she said looking at her feet. I kissed her hard. “You want me to fuck you today? take your virginity?” I said pushing her to lie down.

“Mmm please” Oh my god. I tore her dress in half.

“Harry no!!!” she said looking at the dress and I looking at her breasts.

“Fuck me” I sucked her breasts as if I hadn’t eaten in years. “Harry ahh” she screamed and went to her other breast.

“Stand up” I moved away from her and stood up.

She reluctantly got up and stood, covering her breasts.

I lowered her hand and looked at them. They were so full and firm, so perfect , like a painting.

She looked down at her feet and her cheeks were red.

She wasn't wearing any panties so I got down on my feet and started kissing her lips and belly then moved to her neck. "Are you wet?" She nodded. "Words baby girl" "Yes Harry"

She gasped as I pushed her down. I sat between her legs and tasted her a little she was so wet. "Harry" She pulled my hair tightly. I lifted my head and went to her breasts and sucked her nipples gently then made hickey around them.

She was moaning loudly every time I suck her nipples. I felt like my cock was going to penetrate my pants.

I hadn't had sex for a long time. I pulled away and slowly pulled down my clothes while looking at her. She closed her legs and covered her breasts .

"Take your hands off," I said sternly. I tried to be gentle today but she's so sexy I can't hold back.

“Harry” she moans. “What princess?” I asked as I pulled my hair into a bun. “I want your hair” she said sadly.

“I need to focus on my task without distractions princess.”

She laughed and then her laughter quickly faded. “Harry, will it hurt?” I didn’t open her well with my fingers, she was very tight and only one finger went in. So…

“Just at first until you get used to it. If you want to stop, what are you going to do?”

“I’m telling you to stop immediately.”

“And?”

“Not freaking out because there’s nothing serious”

“This is my girl” I kissed her for a few seconds then reached down to open her up more.

Lillian’s POV

“Harry aaaahhhh” I moaned as he sucked my clit and slowly pushed his finger in and out of me.

After a few minutes he pushed in a second finger and I felt myself stretch impossibly.

I hadn’t seen Harry’s size yet but through his boxers now it looked like he was going to split me in half.

I concentrated on the feeling of Harry’s fingers until he was done ‘preparing’ me.

“Are you still ready?” he asked me quietly, running his finger over my cheek.

“Yes Harry,” I whispered, my heart racing.

Harry got up and took off his boxers.

I’ve never looked at a dick in my life. So I looked at the ceiling.

“What are you doing, I’m right here.” Harry laughed.

“I’ve never seen a dick in my life.” I closed my eyes when I heard Harry laugh.

I was so nervous but when he laughed he calmed my nerves. “Well this is your chance to see one.”

“No thanks.”

“Really? I’m going to fuck you without you seeing?”

“Harry please just fuck me” I whimpered feeling like crying.

He sat between my legs and leaned over to kiss me.

“Open your eyes I want to see you” I opened them and looked into his eyes and felt something on my stomach.

“I feel it on my stomach Harry” I said with my eyes wide open.

“Do you want to look at my little man?” I laughed so hard “Why do you call it that?” Harry laughed and kissed my cheek

“Take a look you may not like him but I’m sure he’ll show you stars” he whispered in my ear at the end.

“Harry Huff” I felt like I was on the edge of something and I really wanted it.

I looked down and he was so big and so long and so red I felt like he was in pain.

“Harry” he kissed me again “if you’re not ready that’s okay” I don’t think he’ll be able to get inside me because it took his finger two days to get halfway in.

But it doesn’t hurt to try.

“I really want you” his eyes sparkled and he smiled softly

“you can have me another way if you’re not comfortable” I started to lose my temper “Harry I only ask one thing please just do it”

He kissed my neck then sat up and spread my legs. I started to tense up even more. I was soaking.

Harry put his cock on my stomach then said "Look where I'm going" he winked.

His cock was higher than my belly button. I felt heat all over my body and a little fear starting to creep up on me.

I realized that I was completely exposed to him so I covered my breasts.

"No, your hands on me or above your head" he said angrily.

"And don't you dare close your eyes? Do you understand?" I felt even more wetness oozing out of me.

God is there more roughness in him?

"I understand Harry" "Good girl" he said as he grabbed his cock and ran it over my pussy a few times. "Ahhh" I moaned at the strange feeling.

He slapped his cock against my lips a few times then opened them with his finger and spat.

I felt a twinge in my stomach tighten "Harry" I wanted more "What my princess" he said as he ran his cock again.

Until he stopped and started to lightly slap my lips with his cock. “So beautiful” he said as he played with my breasts. “Ahh yes please more” I moaned as he moved his cock over my clit.

“Ready baby girl?” “Yes daddy.”

I didn’t know how or why I said, it had come out of me without my permission.

Harry stopped and looked at me. “What did you say?” I felt the heat wash over me so I put my hands over my eyes.

Harry pulled them away. “What did you say?” I looked at him, eyes wide open. “Sorry Harry I didn’t-”

“I. said. What. Did. you. say?”

“Yes daddy” I whispered. Harry kissed me greedily and roughly, grabbing my jaw tightly and then letting go.

“I like your mouth” he said with a wicked smile.

He grabbed his cock and placed it on my hole. “You okay?”

“Yes Harry.” He frowned slightly then opened my legs more.

He started thrusting a little and I felt like I was being split in half. “Ahhh ohmygodohmygod” Harry stopped and rubbed his thumb on my stomach.

“Breathe princess. Relax your muscles.” I tried to breathe and relax my muscles as he pushed in slowly.

My breathing became rapid and my legs shook and I moaned with each breath.

“Please how much longer until it goes all the way, Harry” I cried, gripping the sheets as tightly as I could.

“We’re not even halfway there baby,” he said, his face sweaty and his breathing ragged. “You’re so tight.”

“Ahhh” I closed my eyes for the first time.

Harry didn’t say anything but just stopped moving.

“I won’t go in anymore baby you’re so tight it’s will hurting you” he said breathing heavily.

I opened my eyes and looked at him then he smiled. We sat like that for a minute until he asked me “Shall I move?”

“Yes Harry” he pulled out of me slowly and I took a deep breath then he came in slowly he repeated it several times until the burning disappeared and was replaced by pleasure.

"Ah ah please” Harry lowered his face to kiss me. "Move faster Harry please faster" I cried as he went a little faster and I felt him go in a little deeper.

I started to cry in pleasure and there was no other thought in my mind.

I looked at his cock and saw him go in and out quickly. Harry squeezed my thigh and let it go for him to see it shake. I smiled as I saw his face flush with pleasure as he saw my thigh shake.

"Harry" I cried as he went faster until I felt so close, "I'm gonnacumI'mgonnacum Harryyy" I cried as he moved his hand hard on my clit and I felt the pleasure eating me alive. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I saw stars.

It was the longest orgasm I had experienced since my first one. I felt something warm spill inside me as Harry moaned loudly. I had never heard him cum before.

When I opened my eyes Harry was lying looking at me. "That's my princess."

I said as he kissed me softly. "Are you okay?" "Hmm."

I was warm then I realized I was under the sheets. "Thanks." I whispered and Harry got up and came back with a towel, removing the sheets from me and spreading my legs.

I closed my eyes from the warmth of the towel. He cleaned me up then brought me some water and lifted my head to drink. "Thanks Harry" I said with my head on his shoulder.

Please tell me what you think :3

[miikishii]

To Hold the Sea | Ch. 12

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series masterpost | previous chapter | next chapter

Synopsis: a chance opens up; so does he.

Warnings: crying, bittersweet?

You couldn’t sleep very well last night. Your clock reads 7:49; you groan in annoyance. When you get up, Ango is still asleep on the couch. You figure it might be a while before he comes to, considering that it’s so early and he truly did look exhausted yesterday. You start by making yourself some breakfast, sitting at your counter, and quietly typing away, dealing with unfinished business and online shopping. 

You glance quickly at the couch, still waiting patiently for Ango to wake up, hoping it’s soon because mornings like this are always so dull. You spot some movement out of the corner of your eye and watch as Ango sits up and looks groggily around the room.

“It’s…8:26, you fell asleep around 10 o’clock last night.” You say flatly.

“Sorry..” he sighs,

“It’s fine; I don’t mind. You don’t have work today, right? So you could sleep in?” he nods.

“There’s a little left over from my breakfast if you’re hungry, let me know if you need anything.” The words you say are caring and thoughtful, but your tone is dull. You don’t understand why you’re treating him so carefully, yet so cold all the same. 

“Thank you. I’ll… I’ll head out soon.”

“You don’t need to.”

“Hm?”

“... Just don’t rush yourself. You don’t have work, you can relax a bit.”

“I… yes, you’re right.” 

He puts his glasses on and meets you at the counter. You take a quick look at him,

“Are you okay? Your face is so red, is it too warm in here?”

“I’m a little warm, I think I’m fine…” he mumbles, his voice is a little raspier than normal, and you only really take notice of it now, with newfound concern.

“C’mere for a second.” You beckon him to come a little closer. Tentatively, he steps closer, and you place a hand on his forehead. You swear his face gets even redder.

“You feel a little warm, I have a thermometer in my bathroom cabinet,” You say, getting up to go grab it,

“It’s fine, I’m okay! Don’t worry about it.” he blurts quickly. You tilt your head suspiciously. “We should try the thermometer, just in case.”

he sighs, “Okay..” 

When you check, he’s running a slight fever; you’re almost glad. You push away the thought; Shouldn’t you want him to be healthy? But then again, you remember that this gives you an opportunity. 

“You should lie back down.” You give him a sympathetic look and grab him a glass of water. He simply stands where he is looking mortified. You hand him the glass and place a hand on his back comfortingly,

“Really, just go lay down.”

“I feel… fine.” He tenses.

“Ango, I don’t mind if you stay. You have a day off, relax,” you insist and, as he always seems to do, he complies. His muscles slacken as he walks to the couch. When he lies down his head falls to the side; he stares longingly at your wall. His eyes trail slowly to you. He could stare at your back all day. He could reach for you endlessly, chase the feeling of your skin against his hands, and yet, he knows that he will only ever catch the fabric of your clothes. The unsatisfying feeling of each thread reeling through his fingers. He wonders if he’ll always stumble back to you, in some way or another. When the first tear falls, he barely notices it. He wonders if comfort is what he means to you; you are comfort to him. 

A second tear.

Whenever he comes this close, he always feels farther than before. He knows. He’ll tell himself again and again: you are out of reach; you are not his. He knows better than anyone else, you belong to no one. 

He hiccups quietly, his stirring is noticeable to you now.

“Are you okay?” you ask, twisting your neck to look back at him from the counter. He stares blankly forward, trying to feign falling back asleep, but somehow it makes him cry a little harder. You get up slowly and walk over to him.

“Ango?” such a sweet voice, he thinks. Suddenly everything is overwhelming. You’re surprised by the fog in his glasses and the tears rolling down his cheeks. Even in all the years, you’d known him, you could count on one hand the number of times you’d seen him cry. He removes his glasses and covers his face with his arm, embarrassed. 

“Was it something I said…?” You ask, concerned. He shakes his head. You place a hand on his arm, awkwardly trying your best to comfort him. His body trembles with each sob. Quiet, meek, ashamed sobs. The tears he shared with solitude. Day after day, sleepless nights spent alone. And now, tangled in an endless cycle of guilt for what was never his fault. Guilt for wanting your love. He uncovers his face and turns over, facing you kneeling in front of him, tears falling faster again as he looks at you.

“What can I do?” You whisper,

“Stay.”

And you do. A hand comes carefully up to your cheek; he waits for you to push him away, to tell him no, but you don’t. He cups your face, and your eyes lock again.

“I missed you.” He breathes. You smile slightly, leaning into his touch. He pauses, thinking through his next words carefully,

“Can I kiss you?” You haven’t forgotten about his fever, you just don’t care.

“Please do.”

You lean in slowly and so does he, gentle as always, something you loved about him. Just like that, his tears stream again. You don’t care that you can taste them. You don’t care that he’s sick. He puts a hand on the back of your head and pulls you to his chest, holding you there and breathing deeply.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“For what?”

“I’m… crying. You were busy.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“I always feel like I have to.” you pause,

“Maybe you’ve done it enough,” and the word repeats in your head:

Maybe.

You’re not too sure. For now, you’re glad to stay like this, head to his chest, breathing slow and calm and listening to his heartbeat trying to steady itself. His presence still comforted you as it always did, and you hoped it was the same for him. 

When he finally lets you go, you sit back on your ankles next to him in silence for a minute. 

“Just rest for a while. Let me know if you need anything,” you say softly before moving to work in your bedroom. You don’t get much done, stuck on the feeling of his lips on yours after so long. At some point, you can’t take it anymore; you come back to sit beside him. He looks toward you from where he lays, eyes seemingly fixed past you. You fiddle with your thumbs idly, trying to gather your words,

“I think I missed you too. I’m just not sure.”

“I understand.”

“Some days it just feels wrong to me.” he nods silently.

You hear the blanket shuffle as you look down at your lap again. Suddenly, he’s kneeling in front of you, eyes locked on yours. 

“As much as I’d like to say you shouldn’t worry about it, I can’t.” You swallow hard, finally acknowledging the growing lump in your throat.

“I want you to live fully. Whether you’re with me or not.”

Now it’s your turn to cry. Just as he did so many times before, he holds you; so steady, so gentle, an anchor in your storm. When your hands shake and you collapse in on yourself, he makes sure you don’t fold over completely. He was always so kind to you. You should have known sooner he wasn’t cut out for the work he was given back then. Your head spins with memories; he always made things easier. Maybe he was what you needed. Maybe he is what you need.

When you look up at him, he pushes your hair from your face, staring you down with his face growing ever gentler. 

“I’ve always loved you.” he smiles bittersweetly, “Even when you didn’t. Take your time and think about it, please.”

“I will.”

Note: Two nice chapters in a row? who am I?

[thejournalofawanderer]

Surgery and How I Got Here

Hello all! It’s been such a long time since I last made a post. So much has happened to me. So much has changed. I’ll start with some life changing stuff first. I had surgery in April of 2024 (nearly a year ago now).

It took me a long time to get to that point. I noticed that my health and my overall state of being wasn’t quite right. I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I started out by going to my primary care physician (PCP), and I felt dismissed and greatly understood. My labs were “normal”, and I was told that I just needed to focus on sleep, exercise, drinking water, a healthy diet, and acknowledging I was getting “older”.

I was not satisfied with this response. I started doing some digging and some investigation on myself. I opted to seek further treatment from an endocrinologist. I had expressed my concerns and how I felt. She also said similar things my PCP said. But, she opted to run more labs and more tests.

Meanwhile, I met with my naturopath physician to make sure I was covering all my bases. I didn’t want to leave any stones unturned. I had a Dutch test done on my urine. I tried it all. I learned that not all doctors respect other doctors tests and forms of medicine. I mean, it’s all backed by science, so what’s the issue?

BUT, before I went to see my endo. I opted to fly to Colorado to meet with a different doctor that my friend had a lot of success with. Needless to say, she was a dud for me. She tried diagnosing my with PCOS based on no further testing. Cushing’s is oftentimes misdiagnosed for PCOS. I was on medications that did not help or support me. Luckily I went with my gut and opted not to take those medications anymore, and move forward with meeting my endo.

I got a sleep study done, because of my excessive daytime sleepiness. Let me tell you. I don’t know how those studies could tell you anything. It is literally the worlds worst sleep. You’re in an unfamiliar place looking the scene in Star Wars, where C3PO and R2D2 get all dissembled with wires everywhere. It was so uncomfortable, and they wake you up a million times. After all was said and done, the results were, “You do in fact have daytime sleepiness”…..NO SHIT!

I had mentioned my ADHD and anxiety, and my endo wanted to blame all of my symptoms on that. Like, I’ve ADHD and anxiety my whole life. My sudden change in weight and everyday functionality is not a result of these things. Something else is wrong, and it isn’t that or the medication that I sometimes take for my ailments.

I continued with more labs and 24 urine collections. I got a CT scan, and it came back showing that I had a 2 inch mass on my right adrenal gland. I was kind of surprised, and excited, because I was FINALLY getting closer to some sort of answer or diagnosis.

SO, after nearly a year of almost 20 different labs and tests, she then referred me to a super specialist endocrinologist at the main hospital. My labs were in this gray area, and I wasn’t satisfied with my answers. My labs were 50/50 for Cushing’s.

I met with my second endo, which my first meeting was abysmal. It was her resident that I met with…a guy. You see the thing is, I always request women doctors. I feel more comfortable with them, and I usually feel understood. When I got into this appointment (which I waited 4 months for), I was a bit disappointed to see a guy. He was very dismissive of my self diagnosis. I was under the impression that I had Cushing’s. He did not.

So, I got more labs and more tests. I got a second CT scan that confirmed the 2 inch mass on my right adrenal gland. Due to the size of the mass or nodule, they were going to opt for surgery, regardless of the results on my labs. But, my labs came back supporting the findings.

I think met with my surgeon. We discussed my pre-surgery expectations and scheduled my surgery. He was the one that told me I had Cushing’s. I felt relieved and accomplished. I had finally had an answer. All of my self advocacy was finally paying off. (Huzzah!)

So, I had my surgery on Thursday, April 18th. It was the first surgery I’ve ever had. I was nervous and not nervous at the same time. I remember the operating room. I remember how kind everyone was. I knew that I was in good hands. I remember waking up to see my mom and brother in my room. I was so tired, and kinda nauseous.

My time in the hospital after that was interesting. My IVs kept blowing my veins. I had put myself on a liquid diet a week prior to surgery, per my surgeon, and I hadn’t eaten real food. Post-op, I was so repulsed by food, but I had to eat. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without help out of bed. They took my blood from a vein that was receiving fluids, and it through everyone into a panic, because obviously my labs were dangerously wrong. So, I then had to become a human pin cushion every 1/2 hour to run my labs again to make sure I wasn’t going to die. Good times! Did I mention the IV blew my veins 4 times?

Overall, the worst part of post-op was trying to pass all of the gas or CO2 they pumped into my abdomen. It was HORRIBLE. The pressure had moved up into my chest, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I only felt comfortable laying down. It took about a week for it to finally dissipate. Just in time for me to head back to work!

Then 6 weeks post op, I had to fly to Wisconsin/Minnesota to take a rock climbing assessment. Haha wild times.

Anyways, I am healed up from the actual surgery. Sometimes I feel like a little part of me is missing. They ended up taking out my whole adrenal gland with the mass. So, I am left with just my left adrenal gland. My cortisol levels have evened themselves out for the time being.

But here’s the kicker. Since surgery, I’ve had follow up appointments and my endo was like, “You don’t have Cushing’s, you have MACS”….I’m like, what are you talking about. My surgeon said I had Cushing’s and that having this surgery would cure me. Apparently I have a subclinical form of Cushing’s. MACS, which stands for Mild Autonomous Cortisol Secretion. (Mind was blown)

With this condition that I have, it’s an overproduction of cortisol in a system. So, imagine being in a state of fight or flight for so long that your body starts packing on weight to protect itself. That’s how I ended up where I am. It’s wild and exhausting. It’s a condition that takes time to recover from.

Folks keep asking how I am, and I honestly don’t know. I feel the same, but different. I’m still trying to lose all the weight I gained (50lbs) and find some sort of normalcy in my life again. I feel like an alien in my body. I don’t recognize the person I see looking back. I have my ups and my downs. I am trying my best to get through it. It’s hard, but I’m here.

Women are forever dealt the shitty hand. Our hormones dictate so much of our lives and when things go array, the whole body is in red alert. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I still feel deeply misunderstood when I am battling an illness that no one can see. It’s an invisible battle, that receives little sympathy or praise for how well I’m doing. I just wake pt wake up and hope for the best.

In the end I met with so many doctors (8). They all ran so many tests and labs (30+). I also juggled an extremely toxic relationship in all of this, that did not help my health and overall mental wellbeing. To say that this has been a challenge is an understatement. I am on a path to healing my physical wellbeing and my mental wellbeing. Thanks to everyone who has been with me through it all. It truly means a lot. Life is hard. It continues to be hard, but I am taking steps that will give me the strength to get through it.

For more information on MACS

[foreveranevilregal]

Encantober Day 22: Reflection

Isabela’s morning started the same as every other morning. She was awoken by the sun streaming in through her window, inviting her to get out of bed and begin her day. Letting out a dainty yawn, she rolled out of bed…and was immediately caught by a net of vines which deposited her gently atop her bed. She kept forgetting that she’d raised her bed so no one would bother her. This mishap prompted Isabela to say some very unladylike curses that she was glad no one was around to hear.

Once she was actually ready to get out of bed, she lowered the vines that held up her bed, easing them down like a system of pulleys, until the legs of her bed touched the floor. Double checking that she was firmly on solid ground, she stretched out her arms, the feeling invigorating her, and then placed her feet on the ground and rose out of bed.

The first thing she did was to check all her plants. This took a while since Isabela unwittingly made more in her sleep. Intentional or not, she wanted to make sure they were cared for and healthy. Then she would wash up and brush her hair until it fell down her back in a silky curtain. One hundred brushstrokes exactly. Brushing before bed and after waking was the secret to beautiful hair, her abuela had told her. As long as she kept brushing it morning and night, it would shine like the sun.

And Mirabel thought beauty was effortless, Isabela thought bitterly as she brushed her hair. She had no idea- no idea!- how much hard work went into looking the way she did. She grimaced, accidentally snagging the brush on a knot. Sighing, she set the brush down and untangled the knot using her fingers before resuming her brushing. Ninety-eight…ninety-nine…one hundred! Satisfied, she let out an exhale and set out on her next task: picking out what to wear for the day.

Normally, it wouldn’t matter quite as much, but despite the morning starting out the same way, today wasn’t like every other day. Today was a celebration, the wedding of a couple in town. Naturally, everyone had been invited. So, Isabela had to look extra nice. Frowning, she held a couple options in front of herself, examining them in the mirror. One dress was a deep purple, almost black in color, and otherwise unadorned. The other was a pale lilac, covered with intricate frills and ruffles that would make moving her limbs a pain. She knew what the right choice was. She knew which dress her family wanted to see her in. But, just for a minute, she let her longing and curiosity win out. Peeling off her sleep clothes, she put on the dark dress.

Oh, that was striking! It brought out the darker tones in her hair, making her look…well, beautiful wasn’t the right word. Powerful. She decided it made her look powerful. And, she realized with a twirl, she could move in it freely! The dark-colored fabric was deceptively lightweight on her body.

Summoned by her thoughts, a black dahlia popped up in her hair. More quickly followed, wrapping around her head like a crown. The effect was stunning. Isabela tilted her head from one side to the other, admiring them in the mirror. She could hardly recognize her own reflection. Looking back at her was someone strong, confident; someone who knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it. Maybe some smudged out eyeliner and a bloodred lipstick to go with it. Yes, that would complete the look.

She couldn’t help herself. She stared at her own reflection, entranced. Curious, she conjured more dahlias, creating a makeshift sash down her body. Perfect. She met the eyes of the girl in the mirror and smiled at her. Really smiled at her. Finally, a reflection she liked.

“Isabela!” Mirabel’s shrill voice pierced her reverie.

“What?” Isabela snapped back.

“Aren’t you done getting ready yet? What’s taking you so long?”

Isabela could hear the annoyance in her voice. “I’ll be down in a minute, Mirabel.” The moment of bliss was over. With a sigh, she started taking off her dress. The dahlias scattered around her on the floor.

“Don’t take too much longer. We’d hate to be late because señorita perfecta Isabela took forever to do her makeup.”

Isabela clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. Oh, she could just scream! Except she couldn’t, because she was Isabela, and she was graceful and beautiful and didn’t scream. And she didn’t wear dark interesting dresses or conjure up dark interesting flowers. She wore dresses that were light and feminine and made flowers that were pretty and uninspired. It made her want to throw up. “Just give me one more minute, Mirabel!”

In her haste to get off the dress, she had trampled the dahlias. Black wilted petals carpeted the floor around her feet.

Yeah, that felt about right.

Taking a deep breath, she put on the lilac dress.

[stalkerofstuff]

on a serious, genuine note

do you actually take care of yourself? rest at all?

without the jokes and stubbornness please

some of us are deeply concerned

On a real note, yeah

Not enough to be considered healthy but I do,

Me saying pass out is because I don’t really go to bed, I’m awake then I’m not

and I know that is because a lack of sleep- but it is how I sleep,

Most of the time I don’t even realize I fell asleep, as a lot of the time I’ll go from siting up to suddenly laying down and 3 hours have passed,

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping with the light on it’s easier to sleep with it on then off-

But yes I get sleep, normally I fall asleep at like 5am and wake up at 10, which I have to change very soon.

I’m working on it,

I’m starting to go to bed earlier and stuff, getting tired at 12 am instead of 3-5 am,

Waking up at 7ish instead of 10-12ish,

I am afraid of sleeping but I don’t try to push it off,

I just genuinely last the ability to go to bed really, I just can’t do it,

If I try I just lay there,

I can’t fall asleep on purpose so when I get told too (which I really appreciate y’all care) it’s like- I’m trying, but I can’t. I’ve tried darkness, I’ve tried sound and darkness, lavender, melatonin, everything. I can’t

So I just- wait,

Do things tell my body makes me sleep-

It’s stupidly unhealthy but I can normally get 4-6 hours so, it’s whatever really- it only really becomes a problem with school/work, but I get over it like every year- 

[cleverhottubmiracle]

When I was 38 years old, I was working as an accounting consultant and in good health—or so I thought. But in October 2020, I started feeling off. It came as a surprise, considering I exercised, ate well and did all of the things you’re “supposed” to do. But I found myself experiencing heart palpitations, shortness of breath and lightheadedness. At first, I thought maybe it was a hormonal issue. I didn’t know exactly what was happening, but I knew something just wasn’t right with my body. And though I had no idea at the time, these were actually early symptoms of ventricular tachycardia (VT), or V-tach.  I suddenly passed out in my kitchen  One evening, when my husband was traveling for work, I picked up my two boys from soccer practice and got them ready for bed. I remember telling them to brush their teeth and say their prayers—the normal routine. I kissed them goodnight and said, “I’ll see you in the morning.” A short while later, I began experiencing the same heart palpitations, shortness of breath and dizziness I’d been feeling on and off all month. Only this time, it was much stronger. My heart began racing in my chest, so much so that it took my breath away. I started lowering my body to the kitchen floor, but before I could even sit down, I fell backward and passed out. Doctors discharged me without a diagnosis When I awakened, I was disoriented. I didn’t understand why I was on the kitchen floor or how long I’d been out. All I knew was that my head really hurt. I called my neighbors for help. One of them stayed at our house to be with the boys while they slept and the other drove me to the emergency room. At the ER, doctors ran all the tests and blood work they could and checked for a heart attack, but everything came back normal. The ER doctor didn’t know why I passed out, but because the test results were normal, he discharged me and recommended I follow up with a cardiologist. When I got home, I was unable to sleep.  I was terrified that if I closed my eyes, I wouldn’t wake back up and my kids would be left by themselves. It was a horrible feeling. Seeking a second opinion I made a cardiology appointment the next day. Even though I’d just had a whirlwind night in the ER, the cardiologist said my heart was fine and didn’t run any tests. He said, “You’re young, active and healthy. I don’t see anything wrong with you. It’s probably stress and anxiety.” I tried to push back, but he kept talking me out of my concerns to the point that I almost felt silly for thinking it was something more. Desperate to find someone who would actually listen to me, I reached out to a friend who put me in touch with an electrophysiologist. When I told him everything that happened, he wasted no time putting a heart rate monitor on me so that he could track my heartbeat while I was going about my everyday activities. Just a few days later, while my husband and I were in the carpool line picking up our kids, I got a call from the doctor.  A heart rate monitor alerted my doctor to V-tach symptoms I immediately knew that if a heart doctor is calling your cell phone, something is very wrong. He told me the monitor was showing signs of ventricular tachycardia symptoms, or V-tach. He urged me to go to the emergency room right away because my condition was life-threatening. When I got to the ER, they ran a cardiac MRI and found a little bit of scarring on my heart from a murmur that I’ve had since I was young. Murmurs are relatively common children, though, and doctors ultimately weren’t sure what caused my V-tach.  On the fourth day of my hospital stay, they decided the best way to prevent my heart from continuously going into V-tach—and potentially taking my life—was to surgically implant an implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD). The device constantly monitors my heart rate and sends an electric shock when needed to stop an irregular heartbeat.  What is V-tach? Ventricular tachycardia “is a dangerous, abnormal heart rhythm that arises from the bottom chambers of the heart (the ventricles),” says Mohanakrishnan Sathyamoorthy, MD, Chair of Internal Medicine at Burnett School of Medicine at TCU. “It is so rapid that it does not allow for proper filling or ejection of blood from the heart, creating a life-threatening situation.” V-tach symptoms  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says someone with V-tach may experience symptoms such as: Dizziness or lightheadedness  Chest pain Rapid heartbeat (a healthy resting heartbeat is about 60 to 100 beats per minute)  Difficulty breathing Blacking out or fainting (syncope) While anyone’s heart can go into V-tach, Dr. Sathyamoorthy says the condition is uncommon. V-tach is most often associated with heart attacks, but also “certain types of cardiac disorders like advanced coronary artery disease (blocked heart arteries), cardiomyopathies (weakened or scarred heart muscle) or inherited electrical conditions of the heart called channelopathies.”  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says treatments for ventricular tachycardia includes procedures called ablations, defibrillators and medicine. An ICD can “detect V-tach with their sensors and can literally pace the heart out of the abnormality, but if not successful, then deliver a shock to reset the heart back into regular rhythm,” says Dr. Sathyamoorthy. The importance of trusting your gut When I went into the hospital, I thought I’d be there for a couple of hours. I ended up staying five days. Emotionally, I was in survival mode. I wanted to stay as strong as I could and let the doctors do whatever they needed to make sure I could get back home to my family. I went home the day after getting my ICD placed, and I was ready to see my kids, start healing and learn how to live with a device inside me. Today at 43, I’ve done a lot of work to accept the ICD as part of my body, something there to help my heart if it needs extra support. Aside from the ICD keeping my heart in a normal rhythm, I also take metoprolol twice a day. I make myself, my family and the things that make me happy a priority and take things day by day. I partnered with the American Heart Association (AHA) pretty quickly after my incident, and I’ve been sharing my story with different groups through luncheons like Go Red for Women and other events. I’ve found a lot of support through my involvement with the AHA. I hope that by sharing my story, women will trust their gut more often. I think we know when something isn’t quite right with our body, and it’s important to find a doctor who can properly assess you. It may not be the first or second doctor you see, but it’s important to find someone who will listen if something doesn’t feel right. As told to Cailey Griffin   This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always consult your physician before pursuing any treatment plan. Source link

[norajworld]

When I was 38 years old, I was working as an accounting consultant and in good health—or so I thought. But in October 2020, I started feeling off. It came as a surprise, considering I exercised, ate well and did all of the things you’re “supposed” to do. But I found myself experiencing heart palpitations, shortness of breath and lightheadedness. At first, I thought maybe it was a hormonal issue. I didn’t know exactly what was happening, but I knew something just wasn’t right with my body. And though I had no idea at the time, these were actually early symptoms of ventricular tachycardia (VT), or V-tach.  I suddenly passed out in my kitchen  One evening, when my husband was traveling for work, I picked up my two boys from soccer practice and got them ready for bed. I remember telling them to brush their teeth and say their prayers—the normal routine. I kissed them goodnight and said, “I’ll see you in the morning.” A short while later, I began experiencing the same heart palpitations, shortness of breath and dizziness I’d been feeling on and off all month. Only this time, it was much stronger. My heart began racing in my chest, so much so that it took my breath away. I started lowering my body to the kitchen floor, but before I could even sit down, I fell backward and passed out. Doctors discharged me without a diagnosis When I awakened, I was disoriented. I didn’t understand why I was on the kitchen floor or how long I’d been out. All I knew was that my head really hurt. I called my neighbors for help. One of them stayed at our house to be with the boys while they slept and the other drove me to the emergency room. At the ER, doctors ran all the tests and blood work they could and checked for a heart attack, but everything came back normal. The ER doctor didn’t know why I passed out, but because the test results were normal, he discharged me and recommended I follow up with a cardiologist. When I got home, I was unable to sleep.  I was terrified that if I closed my eyes, I wouldn’t wake back up and my kids would be left by themselves. It was a horrible feeling. Seeking a second opinion I made a cardiology appointment the next day. Even though I’d just had a whirlwind night in the ER, the cardiologist said my heart was fine and didn’t run any tests. He said, “You’re young, active and healthy. I don’t see anything wrong with you. It’s probably stress and anxiety.” I tried to push back, but he kept talking me out of my concerns to the point that I almost felt silly for thinking it was something more. Desperate to find someone who would actually listen to me, I reached out to a friend who put me in touch with an electrophysiologist. When I told him everything that happened, he wasted no time putting a heart rate monitor on me so that he could track my heartbeat while I was going about my everyday activities. Just a few days later, while my husband and I were in the carpool line picking up our kids, I got a call from the doctor.  A heart rate monitor alerted my doctor to V-tach symptoms I immediately knew that if a heart doctor is calling your cell phone, something is very wrong. He told me the monitor was showing signs of ventricular tachycardia symptoms, or V-tach. He urged me to go to the emergency room right away because my condition was life-threatening. When I got to the ER, they ran a cardiac MRI and found a little bit of scarring on my heart from a murmur that I’ve had since I was young. Murmurs are relatively common children, though, and doctors ultimately weren’t sure what caused my V-tach.  On the fourth day of my hospital stay, they decided the best way to prevent my heart from continuously going into V-tach—and potentially taking my life—was to surgically implant an implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD). The device constantly monitors my heart rate and sends an electric shock when needed to stop an irregular heartbeat.  What is V-tach? Ventricular tachycardia “is a dangerous, abnormal heart rhythm that arises from the bottom chambers of the heart (the ventricles),” says Mohanakrishnan Sathyamoorthy, MD, Chair of Internal Medicine at Burnett School of Medicine at TCU. “It is so rapid that it does not allow for proper filling or ejection of blood from the heart, creating a life-threatening situation.” V-tach symptoms  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says someone with V-tach may experience symptoms such as: Dizziness or lightheadedness  Chest pain Rapid heartbeat (a healthy resting heartbeat is about 60 to 100 beats per minute)  Difficulty breathing Blacking out or fainting (syncope) While anyone’s heart can go into V-tach, Dr. Sathyamoorthy says the condition is uncommon. V-tach is most often associated with heart attacks, but also “certain types of cardiac disorders like advanced coronary artery disease (blocked heart arteries), cardiomyopathies (weakened or scarred heart muscle) or inherited electrical conditions of the heart called channelopathies.”  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says treatments for ventricular tachycardia includes procedures called ablations, defibrillators and medicine. An ICD can “detect V-tach with their sensors and can literally pace the heart out of the abnormality, but if not successful, then deliver a shock to reset the heart back into regular rhythm,” says Dr. Sathyamoorthy. The importance of trusting your gut When I went into the hospital, I thought I’d be there for a couple of hours. I ended up staying five days. Emotionally, I was in survival mode. I wanted to stay as strong as I could and let the doctors do whatever they needed to make sure I could get back home to my family. I went home the day after getting my ICD placed, and I was ready to see my kids, start healing and learn how to live with a device inside me. Today at 43, I’ve done a lot of work to accept the ICD as part of my body, something there to help my heart if it needs extra support. Aside from the ICD keeping my heart in a normal rhythm, I also take metoprolol twice a day. I make myself, my family and the things that make me happy a priority and take things day by day. I partnered with the American Heart Association (AHA) pretty quickly after my incident, and I’ve been sharing my story with different groups through luncheons like Go Red for Women and other events. I’ve found a lot of support through my involvement with the AHA. I hope that by sharing my story, women will trust their gut more often. I think we know when something isn’t quite right with our body, and it’s important to find a doctor who can properly assess you. It may not be the first or second doctor you see, but it’s important to find someone who will listen if something doesn’t feel right. As told to Cailey Griffin   This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always consult your physician before pursuing any treatment plan. Source link

[chilimili212]

When I was 38 years old, I was working as an accounting consultant and in good health—or so I thought. But in October 2020, I started feeling off. It came as a surprise, considering I exercised, ate well and did all of the things you’re “supposed” to do. But I found myself experiencing heart palpitations, shortness of breath and lightheadedness. At first, I thought maybe it was a hormonal issue. I didn’t know exactly what was happening, but I knew something just wasn’t right with my body. And though I had no idea at the time, these were actually early symptoms of ventricular tachycardia (VT), or V-tach.  I suddenly passed out in my kitchen  One evening, when my husband was traveling for work, I picked up my two boys from soccer practice and got them ready for bed. I remember telling them to brush their teeth and say their prayers—the normal routine. I kissed them goodnight and said, “I’ll see you in the morning.” A short while later, I began experiencing the same heart palpitations, shortness of breath and dizziness I’d been feeling on and off all month. Only this time, it was much stronger. My heart began racing in my chest, so much so that it took my breath away. I started lowering my body to the kitchen floor, but before I could even sit down, I fell backward and passed out. Doctors discharged me without a diagnosis When I awakened, I was disoriented. I didn’t understand why I was on the kitchen floor or how long I’d been out. All I knew was that my head really hurt. I called my neighbors for help. One of them stayed at our house to be with the boys while they slept and the other drove me to the emergency room. At the ER, doctors ran all the tests and blood work they could and checked for a heart attack, but everything came back normal. The ER doctor didn’t know why I passed out, but because the test results were normal, he discharged me and recommended I follow up with a cardiologist. When I got home, I was unable to sleep.  I was terrified that if I closed my eyes, I wouldn’t wake back up and my kids would be left by themselves. It was a horrible feeling. Seeking a second opinion I made a cardiology appointment the next day. Even though I’d just had a whirlwind night in the ER, the cardiologist said my heart was fine and didn’t run any tests. He said, “You’re young, active and healthy. I don’t see anything wrong with you. It’s probably stress and anxiety.” I tried to push back, but he kept talking me out of my concerns to the point that I almost felt silly for thinking it was something more. Desperate to find someone who would actually listen to me, I reached out to a friend who put me in touch with an electrophysiologist. When I told him everything that happened, he wasted no time putting a heart rate monitor on me so that he could track my heartbeat while I was going about my everyday activities. Just a few days later, while my husband and I were in the carpool line picking up our kids, I got a call from the doctor.  A heart rate monitor alerted my doctor to V-tach symptoms I immediately knew that if a heart doctor is calling your cell phone, something is very wrong. He told me the monitor was showing signs of ventricular tachycardia symptoms, or V-tach. He urged me to go to the emergency room right away because my condition was life-threatening. When I got to the ER, they ran a cardiac MRI and found a little bit of scarring on my heart from a murmur that I’ve had since I was young. Murmurs are relatively common children, though, and doctors ultimately weren’t sure what caused my V-tach.  On the fourth day of my hospital stay, they decided the best way to prevent my heart from continuously going into V-tach—and potentially taking my life—was to surgically implant an implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD). The device constantly monitors my heart rate and sends an electric shock when needed to stop an irregular heartbeat.  What is V-tach? Ventricular tachycardia “is a dangerous, abnormal heart rhythm that arises from the bottom chambers of the heart (the ventricles),” says Mohanakrishnan Sathyamoorthy, MD, Chair of Internal Medicine at Burnett School of Medicine at TCU. “It is so rapid that it does not allow for proper filling or ejection of blood from the heart, creating a life-threatening situation.” V-tach symptoms  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says someone with V-tach may experience symptoms such as: Dizziness or lightheadedness  Chest pain Rapid heartbeat (a healthy resting heartbeat is about 60 to 100 beats per minute)  Difficulty breathing Blacking out or fainting (syncope) While anyone’s heart can go into V-tach, Dr. Sathyamoorthy says the condition is uncommon. V-tach is most often associated with heart attacks, but also “certain types of cardiac disorders like advanced coronary artery disease (blocked heart arteries), cardiomyopathies (weakened or scarred heart muscle) or inherited electrical conditions of the heart called channelopathies.”  Dr. Sathyamoorthy says treatments for ventricular tachycardia includes procedures called ablations, defibrillators and medicine. An ICD can “detect V-tach with their sensors and can literally pace the heart out of the abnormality, but if not successful, then deliver a shock to reset the heart back into regular rhythm,” says Dr. Sathyamoorthy. The importance of trusting your gut When I went into the hospital, I thought I’d be there for a couple of hours. I ended up staying five days. Emotionally, I was in survival mode. I wanted to stay as strong as I could and let the doctors do whatever they needed to make sure I could get back home to my family. I went home the day after getting my ICD placed, and I was ready to see my kids, start healing and learn how to live with a device inside me. Today at 43, I’ve done a lot of work to accept the ICD as part of my body, something there to help my heart if it needs extra support. Aside from the ICD keeping my heart in a normal rhythm, I also take metoprolol twice a day. I make myself, my family and the things that make me happy a priority and take things day by day. I partnered with the American Heart Association (AHA) pretty quickly after my incident, and I’ve been sharing my story with different groups through luncheons like Go Red for Women and other events. I’ve found a lot of support through my involvement with the AHA. I hope that by sharing my story, women will trust their gut more often. I think we know when something isn’t quite right with our body, and it’s important to find a doctor who can properly assess you. It may not be the first or second doctor you see, but it’s important to find someone who will listen if something doesn’t feel right. As told to Cailey Griffin   This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always consult your physician before pursuing any treatment plan. Source link

[becomingabettermehopefully]

I’m starting the 75 Soft Challenge today! (7/3/2024)

I intended on starting yesterday but I didn’t drink nearly enough water. Oh well.

I’m starting this challenge because it consists of habits that I really want to incorporate into my daily routine but I’ve had trouble making progress in doing any of them consistently. I’m a pretty competitive person, and although this isn’t a competition by any means, I believe that viewing this as a “challenge” will push me to want to complete it more than I would normally.

1. Eat Well

I’ve never been good at dieting. To be completely honest, I don’t have the best willpower. But I’ve come to terms with this and instead of limiting myself or setting strict limits to what I can and cannot eat, I’ve tried to expand my horizons and find new foods/recipes that may be good replacements for when I’m craving something that probably isn’t the best for me. I typically follow Intuitive Eating (not following diet fads, honoring my hunger/listening to hunger cues, respecting my fullness) and during my 75 Soft Challenge, I intend to continue with this. However, I do want to focus on eating clean in general.

Action: I want to meal prep healthy lunches/dinners for myself each week and avoid sugar & sweets as much as possible.

2. Complete at least 45 minutes of exercise daily with one rest day per week.

I find it ironic that I work at a gym and spend most of my time there but very rarely work out.

I will be gentle with myself with this one. I like my body and wanting to incorporate exercise into my life more is more about how it makes me feel than how I look. Of course, I would love to be able to lose a few pounds, gain some muscle, and tone my body as well. I’m not out of shape persay but right now I’m not fit either. I have zero core strength and feel almost completely lost at the gym. The machines confuse me, the people intimidate me, and technique eludes me. These are major things I’d like to work on.

Action: Wake up early and use the gym at my mom’s apartment and learn how to use the machines. Take a weekly Zumba class the gym I work at. Go on more walks!

3. Drink alcohol only on special occasions.

I do not think that I will personally struggle with this one because I don’t drink alcohol very often, anyway. I’m a social drinker and I have a very strict rule that I will not drink alone; alcoholism runs in my family and I don’t have concerns that I’ll become addicted but I’d rather stay on the safe side, plus, I don’t see a point in drinking alone anyway.

Action: During social events when I typically would drink, I want to avoid alcohol and instead drink more water. If I feel as though the environment of social event will make me feel pressured to drink, I want to feel comfortable with turning down the invitation.

4. Drink 3 liters of water every day.

I’m predicting that this is going to be the most challenging one for me. I never drink enough water throughout the day so I think I will definitely benefit from attempting to hydrate more.

Action: Drink - of my water cup every day. Replace other drinks with water (allowing myself a cup of coffee in the morning and “social sips” aka going out for boba with friends, coffee date, etc).

5. Read 10 pages of anything per day.

I used to love reading, it was my favorite hobby and losing myself in stories was so comforting to me. I don’t like that I’ve strayed so far from that. The biggest reason I haven’t been reading lately is that I have trouble getting started; once I sit down and open a book, I’m good to go. I could read for hours. But, I struggle with setting aside time for myself to do that. I’ve been telling myself that there’s so many more productive things I can do with my time than read. I’d like to disconnect myself from this way of thinking.

Action: Dedicate time in my day to read; the best times that would work with my daily schedule is either on my lunch break at work or right before I go to sleep at night.

6. Take a progress picture every week.

Things I’m Adding:

1. Daily Journalling

Journalling has always been so helpful to me. Reflecting on the things that have been happening recently and just getting my thoughts onto paper is therapeutic and I’d like to incorporate it back into my daily routine. I’m adding this to my 75 Soft because I think it will greatly improve my mental wellness.

Action: Write in my journal everyday; it could be about anything. What happened that day, to-do lists, song lyrics I’m drawn to, poetry, etc. No length requirement.

2. Take my medications routinely & track consistency

I’ve always had an issue with consistently taking my medications. I am an extremely forgetful person so a lot of the time, I won’t even realize I forgot to take them until I start feeling the effects of withdrawal. Obviously this is not healthy and I really would like to ingrain taking my medicine into my regular routine.

The Health app on my phone gives me reminders to take my meds in the morning and makes it easy to track whether I did or didn’t everyday. Even on days when I forget, I want to be able to record that and track my progress in working toward being more consistent with it.

Action: I want to take my medication in the morning with breakfast, then record which medications I took in my Health app. I want to have a pill case packed in my work bag in case I forgot to take them before leaving my house. And I want to have an alarm set around lunchtime to remind me to take them if I haven’t already that day. I will not shame myself on days when I forget, but simply track my progress through the app.

[leticiahewett]

Returning of my sons property

I remember having very limited sleep the night Isiah’s tragedy happened. I cried myself to sleep and few hours later I was awake..

waking up that day sucked, everything that happened wasn’t a nightmare. It was real. I woke up missing Isiah and feeling like I’m missing something..

my phone rings it’s more condolences from family and friends..

I walk out to the lounge room and lay by the window just looking out it, hoping to see isiah walk in the yard and the house and say something he’d normally say.. I remember I bought him a personalised shirt so I grab it from the washing pile and just cuddle with it.. I even start to carry it in my oodie pocket..

its now 9am and people are starting to show up to pay respects.. I’m also receiving msgs from family saying the news crews are messaging them for information so I tell my family not to give any stories to them. We want time to process the situation and grieve without being bombarded by news crews..

some family are turning up with soups and casseroles.. which is really helpful cos the last thing on my mind is food and eating but atleast all visitors have the option for something to warm their bellies..

one of the phone calls I receive that morning was from a local number I answer cos it could be important I answer and it’s the florist asking if I’ll be home at blah blah time cos they have a delivery for me.. the arrangement gets delivered and it’s from my work mates..

it’s 3pm.. 2 officers from the major crash section have come to my house for a statement from me and to return my sons property.. the officers hand me my sons phone, AirPods (which was in ears at the time of his departure), his wallet and his lighter.. I didn’t keep his AirPods because that didn’t feel right to keep something that has bodily fluids on it..

major crash had came from doing their investigations at the site.. so they figure that Isiah was walking home and was struck by a vehicle and the vehicle kept driving..

Major crash tell me it was a boosted 4wd or a truck that hit isiah.. I ask how my son looks considering the circumstances.. “he looks healthy apart from a mark on his forehead, gravel rash by his nose and an L shaped mark on his hind leg.”

I have to open Isiah’s phone because the police need to take photos of his last contacts to people to show a timeframe of his death..

I get a thought of hacking his Facebook just to mess with people’s heads but discovered Isiah’s Facebook account had become memorialised.. not sure how it was done because he had phone with him and it was flat when the police handed it to me so i had to charge it..

major crash get a phone call that a truck had come through town that was in town last night so one of the officers leave to go check the truck to ensure it wasn’t involved in Isiah’s death..

the police officer returns back to my house unfortunately that truck wasn’t the truck involved in the accident..

the police ask if I’d considered what I’m going to do about Isiah’s final arrangements.. my reply is “I don’t want to bury him to be worm food, I don’t want to cremate him cos that doesn’t feel right, would it be possible to put him in a mulcher and spread him in my yard” the police were shocked by what I’d said and to be honest I use humour to hide my feelings especially when I’m feeling uncomfortable..

[necromoonstar]

I feel like giving an update if anyone is worried about me because I was posting hours ago

Turns out the new bar behind my home decided to throw a dubstep / techno / I don’t know the music but it was very just RUBH BRUBH in rhythm types sounds for hours. During their advertised closed hours (while being open).

I got a lot worse than my last post stated and I did everything I could to just hang out in the safest part of the house distracting myself which was really hard when I was so nauseous even trying to watch videos felt like I had motion sickness in a car; which is weird for me since I don’t think I even get that.

I waited a few hours until after I thought it finally stopped before trying to go back to bed, but not in my bed but in again a safer part of the house /just in case/ and sleep wasn’t good either.

But I did get some rest, and I’m recovering. I haven’t had any more seizures so far since waking but my limbs barely want to move and don’t have a lot of strength.

I’m going to have to call up a friend to look after me and help me out but at least I have left over soup so I don’t have to do a lot of work to eat.

I’m /okay/ after all that pain and suffering and fear, but I’m not back to my normal yet at any measure. But I’m mentally a lot better and more healthy. Just the body needs to catch up

Sorry if I worried anyone but I gotta say venting was nice, being able to have some where to scream while I felt isolated and scared helped me have some strength.

Hopefully today I’ll be able to work on the shipping side blog and maybe play some Mario Wonder. Just going to try to keep it simple

[croissantbae]

October 16, 2023

The past few weeks have felt like a whirlwind. While I’ve been on my phone constantly the past few weeks it was almost exclusively to take photos and communicate immediately with folks to coordinate meetups. I barely looked at insta or my emails. It was seriously wonderful. Today I went through my photo album of the past few weeks and it doesn’t feel like there are enough photos. I legit feel like there should be more based on how full the trip felt.

I’m not even going to attempt to summarize the trip. I’ll just jot down a few thoughts.

1. Even though we were with the kids 24/7 and they were driving us crazy at times, now that I have to leave them I feel really sad and I miss them so much. I really do just love our family. Same goes for extended family too. After my mom/bro/sil/Shiloh departed, it felt like we weren’t whole without them. We could feel the lack of their presence. My mom is also seriously so clutch. She came to our house before we landed, made bap and miyukgook, and then picked us up from the airport. The miyukgook sVed our lives. We ate it for dinner and then as a post sleep meal when the girls were up in the wee hours of the morning. And then for breakfast the next day lol. She’s also coming tomorrow to take the girls to school because Jason has an important meeting. I would want to pay it forward for our kids but I’m generally assuming they won’t have kids (bc of climate change).

2. Adjusting to time zone changes is a bitch. The kids were waking up super early and sleeping very little when we went. And adults got virtually no sleep in the plane ride over. The girls slept fairly well but they were really squished lying next to each other on the seats. I actually got sick on the second day in and I think it was mostly from extreme sleep exhaustion (because we were already deprived from the sleep training saga and nerves not being able to sleep from starting a new job). It felt pretty miserable those first few days but thankfully the whole fam was there to watch the kids so I could get some rest. Now coming back we’re also getting terrible sleep and the kids have been awake anywhere from 11 to 4 am but I actually feel like I’m still sleeping better this time around. Today the girls slept in until noon and then I took them to school at around 2 just so they could play for a few hours. Hopefully they wake up earlier tomorrow and can actually go to school on a relatively normal schedule. Godspeed to my mom.

3. My grandma is so old. Like seriously. She was sooo happy to see us she was trying her best to keep up with us. She was actually walking so fast I was shocked. But she said she didnt care if she died she was going to walk as fast as she could so she could hang with us and not be seen as a burden. I could tell she really enjoyed herself and she bonded a lot with Dani. Jason’s grandma is much older than my grandma (I think by 10 years) but she’s still soooo healthy. She walks with a cane now but I love how social she is. We told her we’d come by to hang out the next day but she said she couldn’t because she was busy with her friends 😂. When we hung out w Jason’s family they took us to their local gogi jib (one we went to years ago too) and wansun Emo made me drink w her so I drank a bottle of soju and she drank a bottle of makgeoli lol. It was a lot of fun and the girls were thankfully well behaved.

4. Overall the kids really seemed to love Korea and want to go back. I fell in love with jejudo and seriously want to go back to the same hotel. But if we did go I wonder if it would be nearly as magical without the whole friend group there 🧐. I suspect not but there’s a different kind of fun just being with family too.